The Ranch (2004) Movie Script
I hear her.
Surprise!
-Nice going, ace.
-It sounded like her walk.
-What's this horror show?
-It's a bridal shower for Shayna.
-You can get in on it if you want to.
-Yeah, right.
Yetta, any chicken left from last night?
I'll make you a sandwich.
Make it to go.
Is Shayna coming or what?
I'm going to be back in Nevada in three
or four weeks for that electronics show.
I want to see you again.
I'm not going to be here.
Today's my last day.
You going to the BunnyRanch
or something?
No, I'm retiring.
Shoot.
There you go, man.
Listen, the next time you come back here
to party...
ask for Kim or Taylor,
and they'll take great care of you.
Why don't you go check out
one of our souvenir T-shirts?
-Okay, maybe I will.
-Take care of yourself.
You, too.
-Shayna.
-Yeah.
Kim's been looking for you.
-She in her room?
-Kitchen, I think.
Thanks.
Now, that's nice.
-Hey, guys.
-Shayna!
-Oh, shoot!
-What's going on?
-Surprise.
-Surprise!
Over there. Pull down that screen.
Smile.
You can keep looking, you ain't gonna find
buried treasure down there.
Are you sure we haven't met before?
You look so darn familiar.
I'm sure.
Coming back from a break?
No.
Just starting, then?
If you need someone to practice on....
I crack myself up.
Just dry a few minutes.
Now. What do you say?
Cotton Candy or Red Vine Red?
-Do you have clear?
-Sure.
Clear? Whose kid are you?
Red is bold, babycakes.
It says "Look here." And we'll match.
-Daddy will hate it.
-Even better.
Mom.
She doesn't like it
when I antagonize her father.
Especially since he's recovering
from a very delicate operation.
What?
They tried to remove the stick up his ass
but they couldn't get it out.
I'm gonna go wait in the car.
-Where do you think you're going?
-Away from you.
Chelsea, it was a joke.
You say mean stuff about him,
and in an hour you're gonna drop me off...
and I have to live there
for the next three weeks.
I know. I'm sorry. Please, just....
I promise I'll behave. Come on.
Look, you get whatever color you want.
You want clear, that's fine. It's great.
Red, please.
Other David thought
you girls might need refills.
Excellent!
No, Mary, wait. Stay.
Have a piece of cake. Yetta?
-Coming right up.
-Okay, thanks.
And, you guys, thank you so much.
This was so sweet.
I'm sorry I can't invite everyone
to the wedding...
but we kept the guest list really tiny.
Actually, I wanted to elope,
but Evan's really close with his family.
So basically, anybody who's related
to Mr. Wonderful...
people you probably don't even know,
"Hey, right this way."
But us, who you worked with
for how many years?
"No, I'm getting married, I'm not going to be
a hooker anymore, forget them."
Em, shut up.
So, how did you two meet, you know,
you and Evan?
-Right, you weren't here yet, were you?
-No.
Actually, it was at the x-ray machine
at the Reno airport.
I was going to San Diego on my week off,
and he was going home to Detroit.
I told him I was a stewardess.
Flight attendant.
And he still thinks that.
Three weeks on, one week off.
Company, girls.
-Bye, Shayna.
-Bye.
Come on. One last lineup for the road?
No.
I'll miss you.
Hi, welcome to the Diamond Ranch.
We've some beautiful girls for you today.
Come on in.
Right this way.
Why don't you sit down on the couch?
Chicklet.
Emily.
I'm Janey.
Kim.
Rickie Lee.
Hi, I'm Lavender Rose.
Cat.
Her. I'll take her.
All right, then. Rickie Lee. Thank you, girls.
Hey, daddy. Let's party.
Another satisfied pedophile.
I'm so excited you picked me.
$32.
-Keep the change.
-Thank you.
-You want me to help you in?
-I got it.
Are you sure I don't know you?
You don't.
Hi. Can I help you?
I don't know. Can you?
-Hi, Dad.
-Hey, sweetie.
I thought you were bringing her home
before lunch.
It's my fault. I lost track of time.
For someone who gets paid by the hour,
you'd think you'd be more attuned to that.
Come here, you.
I will talk to you later.
You have fun at the party tomorrow.
Wish Elizabeth happy birthday for me.
I will. Love you.
Love you more.
Wait a sec.
Go on inside.
Yeah, the nails? That was me, too.
What's next, a G-string?
Do you want to know
the smartest thing I ever did?
Not marry you.
I forgot.
I don't need it.
Fortune magazine said house painters
are in the top two percentile of earnings.
Were you always such a witch
or is this new?
It's child support. Just take it.
I'd just as soon not go to Macy's,
buy her a coat...
pay for it with the money you made
giving some loser a good time.
Do you not understand that what I do
I do for her?
Please.
I want our kid to have every single thing
I didn't have.
I want her to have a new coat every year...
and piano lessons, and I don't know,
a freaking horse if she wants one.
When it comes to college,
I want to be able to say:
"Here, baby girl,
you go wherever you want."
You know what?
Let her go to community college...
and have a mother who's a mother,
not a prostitute.
You are such a clueless blowhard.
Nice car. Is it new?
Who'd you say you're in this for?
"Cookies and milk."
"All day sucker." What's that?
Guess.
So, what do you feel like?
Is $150....
Is that about right?
Is that all you think I'm worth?
So that's Velvet....
Knight, with a "k."
You know, I had a cat named Velvet once.
Lady, whose kitty are we talking about,
mine or yours?
Do me a favor.
Save that kind of language for the clients.
You don't like it so much,
what're you doing being a madam anyways?
Manager.
Whatever.
The truth?
It was the best-paying job I could find.
Yeah. Same here.
$400. Half and half.
-$400 for a BJ and a straight lay?
-Yeah.
-That's a lot.
-Not for me.
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
So you know what a "half and half" is?
I guess you've worked before.
Not in Nevada. In LA. Last couple of years.
Time for a change of scenery, you know?
Here's this all.
You people are strict here.
Licenses, checkups every week.
Man!
Let me tell you how it goes here.
The girls are on for three weeks,
working 10 to 12-hour shifts every day.
Then they're off for a week.
Sometimes, we have girls
who just work weekends...
and the house gets half of everything
you make.
Sounds all right.
I'm sorry.
Is it possible that we've met before?
Because you look awfully familiar.
Yo Brooklyn, that TV show
bunch of years back?
Vonetta Knight, of course.
You play the sister.
Yep.
My son and I watch the reruns
on Nickelodeon.
Let me ask you something.
That Rashad?
Played my little brother on the show.
How old you think he was
when I was on it? How old?
-Thirteen? Fourteen?
-Nineteen.
Nineteen years old, almost twenty.
But his arrogant daddylmanager
wants everybody to think he's some kid.
So one day, me and Rashad
are getting on in the dressing room...
daddy walks in,
old man just about has a stroke.
Next week, the script comes out
and my character's dead in a car wreck.
I got them the highest rating ever,
those moron losers!
Excuse me.
So why did you stop? You were good.
'Cause daddy goes round town...
telling everybody
I'm some piece of garbage.
Job ends and suddenly I can't get arrested...
except on Hollywood Boulevard,
but that's another story.
Anyhow, those charges didn't stick.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Yeah, well.
Look, here's what.
End of every show...
we'd all come out and the audience
would give us a standing ovation.
It didn't matter, every single week,
standing "O."
And when I'm with a john
and I do my sex thing, I watch him.
I watch him get happy.
His thing is standing straight up
because of me.
So. You got room for me?
-You want this?
-You don't?
I'm lucky to be getting away
with flight attendant.
I don't think he'll buy lion tamer
on top of that.
You going to tell him ever?
Why would l?
It's who you are.
It's who I was.
You must have some on-off switch
somewhere that I never saw.
Where's it, on your butt?
No, wait, I've seen your butt.
Yeah, and so has half the population
of Nevada.
And I don't think my fiance
needs to know that.
But aren't you gonna wonder
how he would feel if he knew?
Yeah, I'm going to wonder.
You know what else I'm going to do?
I'm gonna keep my big mouth shut.
The past is the past, Tay...
and this is my future.
Okay...
but if I fall in love again someday,
God forbid...
and the guy gives me attitude
'cause this is how I make my living...
forget that. That's a deal breaker.
I better get in on this lineup.
You are going to make a beautiful bride.
Come back and visit us once in a while,
will you?
Probably not.
You know where the plates are?
That one on the right.
Thanks.
So Mary let you stay?
Yeah.
I'm Velvet.
Good for you.
So what do you think of this place?
Everybody else seems nice.
Bunch of jerks.
What? I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to make money.
Figure another year or two,
I got enough cash, I'm out of here.
What are you gonna do?
Get out of this rat's nest of a city.
Get a house somewhere.
A house-house, not a whorehouse.
Get a foster kid, maybe. Two more years.
Three, at the most.
You do pretty good then?
I do something great.
Oh, and by the way, cupcake...
you want to keep yourself away
from my regulars, you got it?
Don't you worry.
Anything that goes into you,
I don't want going into me.
Then we'll get along just fine.
-You're here!
-I know.
Finally. I can't believe it.
I know. I missed you so much.
So you still want to marry me,
or have you gotten over that silly idea?
You bet.
Let's go get my bags.
Wait. Isn't there anybody you need
to say goodbye to?
Any of the crew? The other stewardesses?
No, all I want to do is get to the hotel and....
That could work.
What you got there?
That's what you read for fun?
I got to ask you.
Who do I talk to about clean sheets?
Franny takes care of all the laundry.
But don't let the guys under the sheets
or you'll be changing them all day.
Use one of those towels in your closet,
trick towels.
That was your first john just now, wasn't it?
How'd that go?
Guy tells me he wants to do it like a dog.
I figure he means doggy style.
He breaks out a collar, a leash,
I end up scratching him behind the ears...
and rubbing him on his belly
till he goes off.
-What the hell is that?
-Wait till you get a full-out costume.
God, that fur will itch. It drives you crazy.
You know, in LA...
you get in the back of a dude's car,
you get him off, that's pretty much that.
Taylor, there's a customer asking for you.
He said Bicycle Jimmy sent him.
Thanks. Later.
Man, another crummy day in the desert.
You need sunscreen.
Here, let me do it.
You're not going to try and cop a feel,
are you?
How's that?
I'm sorry my mother made such a big deal
about you staying at the house.
She's old-fashioned, is all.
She doesn't believe in sex before marriage.
I don't even think she believes in sex
during marriage.
Want me to tell her what she's missing?
-Wait a sec.
-We have time.
My sister's flight doesn't get in
for another hour.
Probably be late, anyway.
What's wrong?
There's...
something we have to talk about.
Oh, God.
What? It's not bad.
I mean, it's bad, but it's not....
Nobody's dead or anything.
I got laid off.
-When?
-About two weeks ago.
The whole midsize line,
they're not making them anymore.
Sedans and station wagons. Just like that.
-Losers.
-Oh, honey.
Every time we talked on the phone,
I wanted to tell you.
I hated lying when you'd ask me
how work was.
But I thought it'd be better in person.
-Are you peeved?
-No.
It's not your fault.
Anyway, I was thinking,
till I find something...
maybe you can transfer out here.
I don't think I could transfer that easy.
Because things like that
take a lot of time to come through.
Shoot.
Could you get your old route back?
While I'm looking?
I don't know.
-I'm sorry to dump this on you.
-No, it's fine.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
You're not feeling like
this changes everything, are you, hon?
No.
So, the owner of this place?
He's some kind of slick, rich,
White pimp wannabe?
What'd I say?
The owner is my uncle.
-Sorry.
-Don't worry about it.
But for the record, no, he isn't one of those.
His uncle is named David.
That's why he's the Other David.
The boss is okay.
You got to keep booking
or you're out, that's for sure.
But they take pretty good care of us.
Other David takes
especially good care of us.
Hint, hint.
Seven in the side pocket, baby.
It's sure shot.
There's no way those guys are partying.
But you know, when they're humping
their pillows tonight...
they'll be picturing you and me.
Am I right, Austin?
Guess so.
Hey, Austin, this is Velvet. She's new.
Maybe you'll try her out soon.
How's it hanging?
Good. It's good.
He comes in every day,
nurses one beer for hours...
then once every two weeks,
on payday, he parties.
You can tell it's payday
when his hair's clean.
Good to know.
Excuse me.
Mary, are you kidding me?
I'm in the middle of something here.
Your daughter's on the phone.
She's crying. Says it's urgent.
Something about her dad
won't let her go to a party.
Shoot.
-Give me 30 seconds.
-Okay.
Where do you go to school?
Colorado State. Same as my sister did.
She's the brains in our family.
Your mother won't let me
help her do anything.
You know, I was thinking about you
the other afternoon.
I was watching one of those health channels
on the cable...
and they did a whole show about jet lag.
You ever have any trouble with that,
all that flying around?
It bothered me at first, yeah.
But you get used to it.
You must meet so many interesting
people with a job like that.
I did, yeah.
Athletes. Actors. A couple of politicians.
-Look what we got.
-Here, let me get that.
There's tuna salad, egg salad,
and some turkey.
Guy I work with,
his daughter is a stewardess.
Manny's kid.
I remember her. Tall, long black hair.
-Tramp.
-Nice, Ma.
I'm only saying what's true.
The girl slept her way across the country.
Maybe it was the jet lag.
We need more lemonade.
Where's your brother?
He's upstairs, I think.
Tommy. We're eating. Come on down.
Sorry. I was just getting things set for later.
Shayna, you don't mind, do you?
Me and the guys
kidnapping Evan for the night?
No, who am I to get in the way
of a good bachelor party?
Just so you know,
we're skipping the whole strip club thing.
-I should hope so.
-Kidding me?
You could get a disease
just looking at some of those skanks.
Sorry, Ma.
Not that either of us would know
about this firsthand.
Thank goodness for small favors.
Eat.
Thanks, Ma.
-I'll see you both tomorrow.
-See you tomorrow.
And get some sleep tonight.
-That was a boatload of fun.
-What?
Oh, good. I thought you'd gone
into a coma there.
It's the day before her wedding.
She's just a little tense.
You are.
Thank you.
Why are you marrying me?
What?
Why do you love me?
Let me see. Because you're hot?
I'm kidding.
I mean, you are, but that's not....
I have this uncle.
Uncle Lou, he's quite a character.
You'll meet him tomorrow.
Whenever he talks about a woman
he really likes...
he calls her a good girl.
"That Audrey Hepburn, she's a good girl."
Anyway, after that first weekend
you and I spent together...
I called him up and I said:
"l finally understand
what you're talking about Uncle Lou.
"l met a good girl."
I'm so glad Chelsea made it.
Elizabeth would have been crushed
if she wasn't here.
I'm sorry we're so late.
There was a mix-up with Chelsea's dad.
So nice to meet you finally.
Yeah, you, too.
-What time do you want me to pick her up?
-No, stay. Please.
-I can't.
-At least have a cup of coffee.
-Okay.
-Come on.
Everybody, this is Chelsea's mom.
-Sorry, I don't know your first name.
-Taylor.
We were beginning to think
you didn't really exist.
This is me.
-I'm Gail, Melody's mom.
-Hi.
That's lnez and Patty. Inez is
Brittany's mom, and Patty's got the twins.
-How's it going?
-Good.
Found it.
Hon, this is Taylor.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.
I should get this out
to the karaoke machine. Excuse me.
Thanks.
-Can I ask you a question, Taylor?
-Yeah.
I mean, it's none of my business
and it's probably not even true...
but did I hear correctly
that you work at the Diamond Ranch?
For God's sake.
No, it's okay. That is where I work.
As a....
As a what?
A prostitute?
What do you do, lnez?
I teach yoga.
-You charge by the hour?
-Yeah.
The more clients,
the more money you make?
-That's very cute.
-I wasn't trying to be. It's the same concept.
Probably some of the same positions,
now that I think about it.
Would you excuse me, please?
Apple doesn't fall far
from the tree, apparently.
I'll say it again
I ain't got a $20 gold piece
There ain't nothing I can't do!
I can make a dress out of a feedbag
And I can make a man out of you
'Cause I'm a woman
W-O-M-A-N
It's nothing. They're kids.
She probably doesn't even know
what she's even singing about.
Yeah.
Feed the baby, grease the car
And powder my face at the same time
Listen...
thanks for not busting me back there.
I would never do that.
Rory would die if she knew.
Yep.
I can still come and see you,
though, can't l?
I'll be back to pick up Chelsea
in about an hour.
Woman
A W-O-M-A-N
I'll say it again
-Dude, come on.
-I'm tying my shoe, give me a break.
What the heck for?
It's gonna be off in, like, a minute.
Go for it. It'll put some hair on your chest.
What's to think about?
Take the gorgeous one.
Give me a minute.
It's a birthday present from me to him.
And you know what a good brother I am?
I'm not even having one of them myself.
I only saved up enough money for him to.
Very nice of you.
I'll take her. Jean jacket.
All right, then, Emily. Thank you, girls.
I'll be waiting at the bar, bro.
Knock yourself out.
-Mary, your son's here.
-Really?
Hi, sweetie. What are you doing here?
Is everything all right?
I don't know where my house key is.
I think I lost it at the park.
I'll go get mine. Be right back.
So...
what are you thinking you might like?
I don't want to do this.
Are you not very experienced,
Scotty, is that it?
It's all right. I'll teach you.
Learn on me.
-Baby, are you a virgin?
-No.
Are you gay?
-Forget you!
-Hey, any time you're ready.
I didn't hear a yes or a no.
Yes.
You having a little chat with yourself?
Yes, okay? Yes, I'm a flamer.
There, I said it, you happy now?
So what's the deal,
your brother doesn't know?
It's none of his business.
-That's fair.
-No, wait, I'll pay you for this, okay?
Just let me stay in here
till it's been long enough time.
What's the deal?
It's not the worst lie I've ever been part of.
Not by a long shot.
You do use condoms, right?
When you're with a guy?
Yes.
-Every time?
-Yes.
Just making sure.
And a couple of these.
That's $27 even.
-Can I get a beer?
-Yeah, sure.
Thought I'd get the kid
a couple of souvenirs.
Not that he's ever gonna forget this, right?
That'll be $4.
Thanks, bud.
Scotty's probably doing that chick
pretty good by now.
Probably.
Diamond Ranch.
Yeah, hold just a sec.
Austin, it's for you.
Hello.
What?
Jeez, what's with the sirens?
You want me to get you a beer?
You want me to put some music on?
I'm okay.
You play guitar?
I always meant to learn how.
I had a boyfriend in a band.
I used to go on tour.
-Sing backup sometimes.
-Cool.
I had this fantasy
that somebody would discover me.
"Who's that babe in the back?"
I guess when you're drunk
out of your mind...
most of the time
you're not such a hot investment.
I guess not.
I'm named for a song.
-Not really, but what I use for work.
-How come?
Because some of us
don't use our real names.
Anyhow, I picked Emily.
It's from this record my sister
would listen to when I was a kid.
I don't know that song.
mily
You're the natural snow
The unstudied sea
You're a cameo
-Keep going.
-No.
-That was pretty.
-Thanks.
My uncle, my mom's brother...
he produces shows at the Hilton in Reno.
They're always looking for singers.
I could give him your tape.
Do you have one?
Someplace. Listen, you don't have
to do me any favors or anything.
-I'm not going to rat you out to your brother.
-That's not why I said it.
Okay.
Peter, wait.
Damn it, Taylor, I knew it. She's in there?
-Yes, she is.
-Let go.
Wait, don't go and embarrass her
in front of her friends.
She's not even supposed to be at that party.
I told her.
She talked back to you one time,
big freaking deal.
-Don't you tell me how to raise my daughter.
-Whoa.
-Our daughter.
-My daughter, three out of every four weeks.
Or has that fact conveniently
escaped your mind?
No. Look, I appreciate
how you take care of her.
You appreciate it?
What am l, the baby-sitter?
Did I say that?
I was trying to teach her something.
And you just swooped right in.
-Just a regular Mary Poppins.
-Hey, pal, I'm not the baby-sitter, either.
And what was so important that
you couldn't let her go to a stupid party?
-You want to know?
-Yeah, I want to know.
Every day she gets more and more like you.
And that scares the heck out of me.
So you can go.
I'll wait for her out here.
I won't embarrass her. I won't punish her.
Go.
There you are. You hiding back here?
Yeah, kind of. What's up?
I'm supposed to let you know
that Mister Mits is here...
and he can't wait to see you.
His words, not mine.
Lucky me.
But he does pay me a fortune.
And all I have to do
is let him snort a little coke off my boobs.
Hey, I don't need the details.
Sorry. Sometimes I forget
you're not one of the girls.
-Thanks.
-You know what I mean.
-Hey, did you hear about Austin?
-No, what?
His house burned down, electrical fire.
He lost everything.
Shoot.
"And at that moment my love juices
exploded into her...
"and I let out a loud moan
of complete and utter ecstasy.
"And I have to say I'm pretty sure...
"she enjoyed it as much as I did."
Every one of them writes that.
Bless them, if they only knew.
Yetta, can I get a bowl of soup
with some poison please?
-Rough day?
-Kind of, yeah.
-What're you up to?
-Reading my reviews.
The brothel website?
Can I ask you a favor?
This is just, you know, for play.
-Can you help me type a resume?
-Come on, first Shayna, now you?
No. I'm not going anywhere.
It's just to see, hypothetically...
what else I might be qualified for.
If you leave, I'll hunt you down and kill you.
I'll keep that in mind.
Okay, I've never done one of these.
I guess you put down your education first.
-Did you go to college at all?
-Not me, I never even finished high school.
Let's skip that part then.
What do you think
would be your best qualifications?
Professionally speaking.
I give excellent BJs.
-Skilled at oral presentations.
-I like that.
-Exceptional manual dexterity.
-Keen negotiator.
-Works well in group situations.
-Leaving out the words "orgy room."
-Flexible. Stimulating.
-You're good.
Would 69 be considered multitasking?
I don't see why not.
-What's up?
-Nothing much.
Anybody in the mood for a threesome?
I got a live one with deep pockets.
You take it.
Would you mind leaving this here?
No, turn it off when you're done.
Another ebony-and-ivory fantasy.
I'm down with that.
Joke.
-Get you another rum and Coke?
-Thanks.
So what kind of ladies
you got working here?
I'm thinking I might like to party.
Do you want me to call a lineup?
No. I'd feel bad for the ones I didn't pick.
They're used to it. It's part of the job.
-So what's your type?
-Female and breathing.
You might want to be a little more specific.
Well, between you and me,
I really like the colored girls.
The blacker the better. And tall.
Give me a set of long dark legs...
and I'm a happy man.
You're in luck. We've got a girl just like that,
started this week.
Velvet.
I like her already. Is she on tonight?
Yeah, she should be out any minute.
Let me ask you, though, what's it gonna
cost me to party with this Velvet?
I don't know. That's between you and her.
Hey, Velvet, want to come here a minute?
-Hey, what's going on?
-I've got a guy who'd like to meet you.
-Hi.
-Carlos.
You thought you'd get away from me?
What do you think you're doing?
Why, you didn't think
I was going to find out?
You didn't think my other girls
were going to give you up?
-I'm sorry.
-I will really kill you.
You don't even think about it.
Come on.
Leave her alone.
-Lady, what, are you serious?
-I mean it, let go of her.
You totally crazy!
Leave her alone and get out of here. Now!
Are you okay?
I should have known
this guy was up to something.
How could you have?
This is still bleeding.
It's deep,
but I don't think you'll need stitches.
Good.
Let me in there one more time.
I've got some Percocets in my room
if you need them.
I think aspirin will be fine, thank you.
Okay, there.
What was that?
Must have been the loss of blood.
No, seriously.
Seriously, I have wanted to do that since...
-well, how long have you worked here?
-Three years.
Then 2 years, 11 months, and 29 days.
What was wrong with me the first day?
Here you go.
-Cold.
-lce does that.
-Does it hurt?
-Yeah.
-Damn.
-He was your pimp?
A punk rat from the first day I met him.
Keep that on here.
Thanks for keeping me company.
I know I'm probably
not the most popular person now.
Well, it's funny. I feel like I know you.
I guess because I used to watch you
on your show.
Not because we both just did
the same guy together?
No, I think it was the show.
I always thought it was funnier
if I had a little bit of a buzz on.
Yeah, me, too.
-You ever have a pimp?
-No, I didn't need one.
This is a family business for me.
-So, you're related to that David guy?
-No.
My grandmother worked at the Mustang
Ranch back when it first opened.
My mom still puts in a couple days
a month over at the BunnyRanch.
So me doing this was pretty much a given.
Even with you being gay?
He paid me to kiss you.
I don't mean that stuff before,
I mean you with that Emily.
-I see you looking at her all moony-eyed.
-Can we drop this?
I don't get it.
You can't say, maybe you like a girl.
She doesn't know.
Please don't tell anyone.
I won't.
-Don't get too drunk, okay?
-Don't worry. Anyway, Tommy's driving.
Speaking of which, I told the limo driver
to pick you two up at the hotel at noon.
-Have fun.
-Good night.
He is such a nice guy.
Yeah, I guess opposites do attract.
So what do you want to do?
Go back to the room and watch
pay-per-view? Get a massage?
Beth Ann?
I need to talk to you for a minute.
This probably isn't fair to do to you,
but I just....
I need to say this out loud to somebody.
What is it?
Remember Lindsay? She was my roommate
in college, junior year?
Crazy Lindsay, yeah, what about her?
She worked in a brothel every weekend
in Nevada.
-A whorehouse?
-Yeah.
What does this have to do with you?
One time, Super Bowl weekend, she knows
it's going to be busy after the game...
and she says I can go with her.
No. You didn't.
Well, this was after Teddy
had broken up with me.
And you know what a hard time I was
having with that. I just needed somebody...
to make me feel like I was worth being with.
I made $2,000 in, like, a day and a half.
And I was practically failing
my classes anyway...
because you're the smart one.
I never finished college.
And I was never a flight attendant.
-Come on.
-Beth Ann, I know this has to be--
-This isn't funny.
-It's true.
-Stop it!
-Please. I didn't plan this.
-This is just how it worked out.
-You're a prostitute?
I was, but I was going to quit.
-How many guys?
-I don't know.
-Like hundreds?
-Probably.
-I feel nauseous.
-Please, don't throw up.
-I can handle almost anything but that.
-No, I need to get out of here.
-Sweetie, are you okay?
-Don't!
I don't know where to put this in my brain.
Every day, Mommy used to call
the airline to see when your plane got in.
Even when she was sick, even when
she was dying, she made me promise...
-to check if your flights landed okay.
-I'm sorry.
-I wanted to tell you so many times.
-Why didn't you?
-Evan doesn't know, does he?
-No.
-You have to tell him.
-I can't.
He's marrying you.
It's like you said, he is a nice guy.
Why do this to him?
And, my God, you saw his family.
His mother thinks
if you're a stewardess you're a tramp.
She would die if he told her.
I have a chance to be happy.
This isn't only about you.
-Beth Ann, I need you, don't--
-You're disgusting.
I hope nobody sees us.
I remember when I started here,
they said that they discourage....
What do they call it?
"lntra-house fraternizing."
Yeah, I guess "don't spit where you eat"
didn't sound classy enough.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
I kind of got an in with the management.
You're so pretty.
-How many of those have you had there?
-I mean it, you are.
-You know what you taste like?
-What?
Miller Lite.
Hey, did you know
that if a guy drinks a beer...
and then sleeps with a girl,
he can give her a yeast infection?
Taylor told me that.
-Em.
-What?
-Don't.
-Don't what?
It's not a work night.
-ln other words, don't be such a whore.
-I didn't say that.
I know.
I know you didn't.
I don't know
why I thought we could do this.
Come on, no, I didn't mean anything.
What, we're going to date...
and then you're going to watch me
take other guys to my room all night?
I'm going to say, "l need a Long lsland
lced Tea for my john back there"...
and that's going to be okay?
I don't know. Yeah. I'll make it be okay.
How the hell are you going to do that?
-I couldn't do that.
-I don't know. But I will.
Emily, I'm crazy about you.
I want to make this work.
You know what?
You are one of the sweetest,
kindest men I've ever met.
And, baby...
you deserve a whole lot
better than for your girlfriend to be me.
Busted.
Can I talk to you?
Yeah, come on in.
-Did I wake you up?
-No, I couldn't fall asleep.
I'm really sorry. I didn't think he'd find me.
At least, not so quick.
I'll pay for that lamp, the one you shot.
I bet that's the first time you ever heard that.
How's your lip?
Better.
Lucky we working girls got that rule
about no kissing the customers because....
Did he hurt you?
Before, when you were together?
All the time.
You sharing?
Yeah, I'll get you a glass.
Please don't fire me.
I know that's what you must be thinking
right now.
-Please.
-I don't know, Velvet.
It might not be safe for you to stay.
Safer than me being out on the streets
with him looking for me.
I mean, for everybody else.
Look, you can spend the night
on the couch.
-Mom.
-Honey.
-I heard talking.
-Everything's okay.
Ray, this is Velvet.
Hey, Ray.
Do me a favor. Get pillows
and a blanket from the closet.
-Why? She's sleeping here?
-Tonight.
-What, is this a whorehouse now, too?
-Just do what I asked you to do.
Go on.
It'll be more comfortable
with the pillows off.
Em, you going to the doctor?
-I'm sorry, what?
-The doctor.
-The vans are leaving in a little bit.
-All right.
Shayna's getting married today.
Couple of hours.
I know. I was just thinking about her.
Did you and Other David
have an okay time last night?
It's not going to be anything.
I thought it would be, but....
How do you do this job
and have a boyfriend or a husband?
Do you have to make up some stupid story
like Shayna did, is that the only way?
No, I don't think so.
Maybe you'll find somebody who gets it.
Who understands this, you know...
and who loves you for who you are.
The whole package.
Yeah, where the hell am I going to find that?
Beth Ann?
-I help to you?
-Yeah, thanks.
Could I ask you a question?
Because I need an objective opinion.
I'm getting married today, apparently.
There's something he doesn't know
about me. And it's something big.
And some people might think
I don't deserve to marry him.
But I'm not a horrible person, I'm not.
And, you know, people keep secrets
all the time, right?
What do you think I should do?
That's fine.
Thanks.
Good, Boris is here.
I could use more leather armbands.
-Let me get some cash, I'll meet you.
-Okay.
Tay, you coming?
-Not right now.
-Okay.
I felt funny waiting inside.
They said you'd be back soon.
-Do you have a few minutes?
-Yeah.
Kim, you got a second?
Velvet's looking for you.
She wants to say goodbye.
-What's she saying goodbye for?
-Why do you think?
-Where's Mary?
-Kitchen.
-What are the odds he'll come back here?
-Probably very high.
Okay, so we call the sheriff.
She's a TV star, it'll be good for business.
Kim, she got fired after one season
on a sitcom.
You know, it's not exactly like Halle Berry
showed up and asked for a job.
Halle Berry showed up and asked for a job?
Yeah, she did,
and I told her she could have your room.
-I thought you were coming right out.
-Mary's firing Velvet.
Come on, Mom, can't she stay
and play with us? Can't she, please?
I'm supposed to keep this place
safe for you.
Besides, how would I explain this to David?
Don't tell him about it, that's how.
You don't think Other David called him
as soon as he got out of here last night?
I can pretty much guarantee you
that didn't happen.
I'll see you out there.
Think about this.
Velvet had this life that was happy...
she was doing her show,
everything was working out for her...
and then all of a sudden,
that's over with and she's alone.
Do you have any idea
how horrible that must feel?
You mean like when my husband died...
and he left me and Ray all alone
with no money and no life insurance?
Yeah, I'm familiar with that feeling.
I'm sorry. Mary, I didn't know that.
-Any more trouble, she's out of here.
-Thank you.
-So this is your room then?
-Yeah.
It's cozy.
It's the accessories that really
make the difference, don't you think?
-Please don't make fun of me.
-I'm not.
This is difficult for me to ask you.
But I came here to ask, so....
Could you help me be better at sex?
I'm sorry?
I don't think I'm making my husband
happy anymore.
I'm scared that he might
look for someone else.
If he hasn't already.
And I thought, maybe,
you as a professional....
Of course, I'll pay you for your time.
Oh, no, was that a terrible thing to ask you?
You mean as opposed to, like,
asking for my special recipe for meatloaf?
I'm sorry, I had no business.
No, wait, hang on a second. Don't go.
You didn't insult me. It's flattering. Kind of.
-You're just catching me on a really bad day.
-Why? What's wrong?
Okay, here's the way that I figured it.
Chelsea's in school all day.
We talk every night,
and the week I have with her every month...
it's me and her, nobody else, that's it.
I thought that I could do this job
and still be a good mother.
You know?
And I could still be a good influence on her.
What an idiot.
You must be doing something right.
Chelsea's crazy about you.
She talks about you all the time.
Yeah? Does she say
that her mother's a stupid whore?
Yes, I'm back.
I just wanna thank the Academy
for this great honor.
Girl, I'm glad you're staying.
We need more sisters around here.
Thank you, baby.
I won't forget what you did.
-What do you think, Boris?
-Nice. Sexy.
Very sexy. Does it push my rack up enough?
-I get you a smaller size.
-Thanks.
-Well?
-Pretty.
-Did you ask her yet?
-No, but I will now.
Good.
Rickie Lee.
We're taking up a collection to help Austin
get back on his feet.
-You heard about the fire, right?
-Yeah.
Each of us is going to do a trick
for him today. How about it, you in?
Sure, I'll just pull a rabbit out of my skirt.
Forget I even asked.
-Smaller size.
-Thanks.
Boris, did you get those saddle shoes
I asked you for?
You said you'd get them for me this week.
-lnside the truck, I'll check.
-Thank you.
Selfish witch.
You got something to say to me, Emily,
say it.
You won't give any money for Austin,
but you'll spend it on that sick little-girl act.
You think I give a damn?
You think I give a damn
what you think of me?
I don't think you give a damn about
anything or anybody...
except those sleazeballs
you're so busy getting off.
-Listen, wart-face--
-I'll kill you.
Emily, stop it!
Let me tell you something.
If some loser wants to do a little girl...
I'd just as soon it be me
and not his 10-year-old daughter.
-Sure I can't get you anything else?
-I'm good.
The usual.
-You looking to party?
-I'm waiting for Emily.
-I'm better.
-I'm gay.
I've got a Cub Scout uniform I could wear
if that would do it for you.
No, thanks.
For somebody who doesn't sleep with girls,
you spend a lot of time at a whorehouse.
-What?
-One of the singers in the show...
at the Hilton,
they're doing this '60s revival thing....
Janis Joplin girl got strep. My uncle
heard your tape, he wants you to audition.
-Get out of here.
-It's only temporary--
-ls this for real?
-Yeah.
Get out of here. Oh, my. I love you.
-What's going on?
-I got an audition, singing, in Reno.
That's fantastic.
Here we go.
To Emily.
To Emily.
I, Shayna, take you, Evan,
to be my husband.
To have and to hold from this day forward.
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer.
In sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until death do us part.
Before God and
in the presence of this congregation...
Evan and Shayna have made
their solemn vows to each other.
Therefore, I proclaim that they are now
husband and wife.
Evan, you may kiss your bride.
-What are you doing?
-Living vicariously.
Here.
Give it a shot.
You ready?
You're not going to hurt it.
Attagirl.
You don't like it much here, do you?
I don't know. Not yet. Getting there.
I love it here. Men do me,
and then they pay me, it's unbelievable.
You can make an ugly guy feel handsome.
You can make an old guy feel young.
And the money. Oh, man.
Hookers make pretty much
the same hourly rate that lawyers do.
-I mean, beat that with a stick.
-Taylor, why are you telling me all this?
Because I have to leave.
Peter? Chels?
No.
Oh, my.
Oh, my. That son of a bitch.
Hello, Diamond Ranch.
No, I'm sorry.
She doesn't work here anymore.
I know.
But if you come in,
we have a number of very beautiful girls...
and I'm sure you'll find someone
you can be satisfied with. Okay.
Aren't you going to congratulate the bride?
Oh, Shayna.
Surprise!
-Nice going, ace.
-It sounded like her walk.
-What's this horror show?
-It's a bridal shower for Shayna.
-You can get in on it if you want to.
-Yeah, right.
Yetta, any chicken left from last night?
I'll make you a sandwich.
Make it to go.
Is Shayna coming or what?
I'm going to be back in Nevada in three
or four weeks for that electronics show.
I want to see you again.
I'm not going to be here.
Today's my last day.
You going to the BunnyRanch
or something?
No, I'm retiring.
Shoot.
There you go, man.
Listen, the next time you come back here
to party...
ask for Kim or Taylor,
and they'll take great care of you.
Why don't you go check out
one of our souvenir T-shirts?
-Okay, maybe I will.
-Take care of yourself.
You, too.
-Shayna.
-Yeah.
Kim's been looking for you.
-She in her room?
-Kitchen, I think.
Thanks.
Now, that's nice.
-Hey, guys.
-Shayna!
-Oh, shoot!
-What's going on?
-Surprise.
-Surprise!
Over there. Pull down that screen.
Smile.
You can keep looking, you ain't gonna find
buried treasure down there.
Are you sure we haven't met before?
You look so darn familiar.
I'm sure.
Coming back from a break?
No.
Just starting, then?
If you need someone to practice on....
I crack myself up.
Just dry a few minutes.
Now. What do you say?
Cotton Candy or Red Vine Red?
-Do you have clear?
-Sure.
Clear? Whose kid are you?
Red is bold, babycakes.
It says "Look here." And we'll match.
-Daddy will hate it.
-Even better.
Mom.
She doesn't like it
when I antagonize her father.
Especially since he's recovering
from a very delicate operation.
What?
They tried to remove the stick up his ass
but they couldn't get it out.
I'm gonna go wait in the car.
-Where do you think you're going?
-Away from you.
Chelsea, it was a joke.
You say mean stuff about him,
and in an hour you're gonna drop me off...
and I have to live there
for the next three weeks.
I know. I'm sorry. Please, just....
I promise I'll behave. Come on.
Look, you get whatever color you want.
You want clear, that's fine. It's great.
Red, please.
Other David thought
you girls might need refills.
Excellent!
No, Mary, wait. Stay.
Have a piece of cake. Yetta?
-Coming right up.
-Okay, thanks.
And, you guys, thank you so much.
This was so sweet.
I'm sorry I can't invite everyone
to the wedding...
but we kept the guest list really tiny.
Actually, I wanted to elope,
but Evan's really close with his family.
So basically, anybody who's related
to Mr. Wonderful...
people you probably don't even know,
"Hey, right this way."
But us, who you worked with
for how many years?
"No, I'm getting married, I'm not going to be
a hooker anymore, forget them."
Em, shut up.
So, how did you two meet, you know,
you and Evan?
-Right, you weren't here yet, were you?
-No.
Actually, it was at the x-ray machine
at the Reno airport.
I was going to San Diego on my week off,
and he was going home to Detroit.
I told him I was a stewardess.
Flight attendant.
And he still thinks that.
Three weeks on, one week off.
Company, girls.
-Bye, Shayna.
-Bye.
Come on. One last lineup for the road?
No.
I'll miss you.
Hi, welcome to the Diamond Ranch.
We've some beautiful girls for you today.
Come on in.
Right this way.
Why don't you sit down on the couch?
Chicklet.
Emily.
I'm Janey.
Kim.
Rickie Lee.
Hi, I'm Lavender Rose.
Cat.
Her. I'll take her.
All right, then. Rickie Lee. Thank you, girls.
Hey, daddy. Let's party.
Another satisfied pedophile.
I'm so excited you picked me.
$32.
-Keep the change.
-Thank you.
-You want me to help you in?
-I got it.
Are you sure I don't know you?
You don't.
Hi. Can I help you?
I don't know. Can you?
-Hi, Dad.
-Hey, sweetie.
I thought you were bringing her home
before lunch.
It's my fault. I lost track of time.
For someone who gets paid by the hour,
you'd think you'd be more attuned to that.
Come here, you.
I will talk to you later.
You have fun at the party tomorrow.
Wish Elizabeth happy birthday for me.
I will. Love you.
Love you more.
Wait a sec.
Go on inside.
Yeah, the nails? That was me, too.
What's next, a G-string?
Do you want to know
the smartest thing I ever did?
Not marry you.
I forgot.
I don't need it.
Fortune magazine said house painters
are in the top two percentile of earnings.
Were you always such a witch
or is this new?
It's child support. Just take it.
I'd just as soon not go to Macy's,
buy her a coat...
pay for it with the money you made
giving some loser a good time.
Do you not understand that what I do
I do for her?
Please.
I want our kid to have every single thing
I didn't have.
I want her to have a new coat every year...
and piano lessons, and I don't know,
a freaking horse if she wants one.
When it comes to college,
I want to be able to say:
"Here, baby girl,
you go wherever you want."
You know what?
Let her go to community college...
and have a mother who's a mother,
not a prostitute.
You are such a clueless blowhard.
Nice car. Is it new?
Who'd you say you're in this for?
"Cookies and milk."
"All day sucker." What's that?
Guess.
So, what do you feel like?
Is $150....
Is that about right?
Is that all you think I'm worth?
So that's Velvet....
Knight, with a "k."
You know, I had a cat named Velvet once.
Lady, whose kitty are we talking about,
mine or yours?
Do me a favor.
Save that kind of language for the clients.
You don't like it so much,
what're you doing being a madam anyways?
Manager.
Whatever.
The truth?
It was the best-paying job I could find.
Yeah. Same here.
$400. Half and half.
-$400 for a BJ and a straight lay?
-Yeah.
-That's a lot.
-Not for me.
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
So you know what a "half and half" is?
I guess you've worked before.
Not in Nevada. In LA. Last couple of years.
Time for a change of scenery, you know?
Here's this all.
You people are strict here.
Licenses, checkups every week.
Man!
Let me tell you how it goes here.
The girls are on for three weeks,
working 10 to 12-hour shifts every day.
Then they're off for a week.
Sometimes, we have girls
who just work weekends...
and the house gets half of everything
you make.
Sounds all right.
I'm sorry.
Is it possible that we've met before?
Because you look awfully familiar.
Yo Brooklyn, that TV show
bunch of years back?
Vonetta Knight, of course.
You play the sister.
Yep.
My son and I watch the reruns
on Nickelodeon.
Let me ask you something.
That Rashad?
Played my little brother on the show.
How old you think he was
when I was on it? How old?
-Thirteen? Fourteen?
-Nineteen.
Nineteen years old, almost twenty.
But his arrogant daddylmanager
wants everybody to think he's some kid.
So one day, me and Rashad
are getting on in the dressing room...
daddy walks in,
old man just about has a stroke.
Next week, the script comes out
and my character's dead in a car wreck.
I got them the highest rating ever,
those moron losers!
Excuse me.
So why did you stop? You were good.
'Cause daddy goes round town...
telling everybody
I'm some piece of garbage.
Job ends and suddenly I can't get arrested...
except on Hollywood Boulevard,
but that's another story.
Anyhow, those charges didn't stick.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Yeah, well.
Look, here's what.
End of every show...
we'd all come out and the audience
would give us a standing ovation.
It didn't matter, every single week,
standing "O."
And when I'm with a john
and I do my sex thing, I watch him.
I watch him get happy.
His thing is standing straight up
because of me.
So. You got room for me?
-You want this?
-You don't?
I'm lucky to be getting away
with flight attendant.
I don't think he'll buy lion tamer
on top of that.
You going to tell him ever?
Why would l?
It's who you are.
It's who I was.
You must have some on-off switch
somewhere that I never saw.
Where's it, on your butt?
No, wait, I've seen your butt.
Yeah, and so has half the population
of Nevada.
And I don't think my fiance
needs to know that.
But aren't you gonna wonder
how he would feel if he knew?
Yeah, I'm going to wonder.
You know what else I'm going to do?
I'm gonna keep my big mouth shut.
The past is the past, Tay...
and this is my future.
Okay...
but if I fall in love again someday,
God forbid...
and the guy gives me attitude
'cause this is how I make my living...
forget that. That's a deal breaker.
I better get in on this lineup.
You are going to make a beautiful bride.
Come back and visit us once in a while,
will you?
Probably not.
You know where the plates are?
That one on the right.
Thanks.
So Mary let you stay?
Yeah.
I'm Velvet.
Good for you.
So what do you think of this place?
Everybody else seems nice.
Bunch of jerks.
What? I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to make money.
Figure another year or two,
I got enough cash, I'm out of here.
What are you gonna do?
Get out of this rat's nest of a city.
Get a house somewhere.
A house-house, not a whorehouse.
Get a foster kid, maybe. Two more years.
Three, at the most.
You do pretty good then?
I do something great.
Oh, and by the way, cupcake...
you want to keep yourself away
from my regulars, you got it?
Don't you worry.
Anything that goes into you,
I don't want going into me.
Then we'll get along just fine.
-You're here!
-I know.
Finally. I can't believe it.
I know. I missed you so much.
So you still want to marry me,
or have you gotten over that silly idea?
You bet.
Let's go get my bags.
Wait. Isn't there anybody you need
to say goodbye to?
Any of the crew? The other stewardesses?
No, all I want to do is get to the hotel and....
That could work.
What you got there?
That's what you read for fun?
I got to ask you.
Who do I talk to about clean sheets?
Franny takes care of all the laundry.
But don't let the guys under the sheets
or you'll be changing them all day.
Use one of those towels in your closet,
trick towels.
That was your first john just now, wasn't it?
How'd that go?
Guy tells me he wants to do it like a dog.
I figure he means doggy style.
He breaks out a collar, a leash,
I end up scratching him behind the ears...
and rubbing him on his belly
till he goes off.
-What the hell is that?
-Wait till you get a full-out costume.
God, that fur will itch. It drives you crazy.
You know, in LA...
you get in the back of a dude's car,
you get him off, that's pretty much that.
Taylor, there's a customer asking for you.
He said Bicycle Jimmy sent him.
Thanks. Later.
Man, another crummy day in the desert.
You need sunscreen.
Here, let me do it.
You're not going to try and cop a feel,
are you?
How's that?
I'm sorry my mother made such a big deal
about you staying at the house.
She's old-fashioned, is all.
She doesn't believe in sex before marriage.
I don't even think she believes in sex
during marriage.
Want me to tell her what she's missing?
-Wait a sec.
-We have time.
My sister's flight doesn't get in
for another hour.
Probably be late, anyway.
What's wrong?
There's...
something we have to talk about.
Oh, God.
What? It's not bad.
I mean, it's bad, but it's not....
Nobody's dead or anything.
I got laid off.
-When?
-About two weeks ago.
The whole midsize line,
they're not making them anymore.
Sedans and station wagons. Just like that.
-Losers.
-Oh, honey.
Every time we talked on the phone,
I wanted to tell you.
I hated lying when you'd ask me
how work was.
But I thought it'd be better in person.
-Are you peeved?
-No.
It's not your fault.
Anyway, I was thinking,
till I find something...
maybe you can transfer out here.
I don't think I could transfer that easy.
Because things like that
take a lot of time to come through.
Shoot.
Could you get your old route back?
While I'm looking?
I don't know.
-I'm sorry to dump this on you.
-No, it's fine.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
You're not feeling like
this changes everything, are you, hon?
No.
So, the owner of this place?
He's some kind of slick, rich,
White pimp wannabe?
What'd I say?
The owner is my uncle.
-Sorry.
-Don't worry about it.
But for the record, no, he isn't one of those.
His uncle is named David.
That's why he's the Other David.
The boss is okay.
You got to keep booking
or you're out, that's for sure.
But they take pretty good care of us.
Other David takes
especially good care of us.
Hint, hint.
Seven in the side pocket, baby.
It's sure shot.
There's no way those guys are partying.
But you know, when they're humping
their pillows tonight...
they'll be picturing you and me.
Am I right, Austin?
Guess so.
Hey, Austin, this is Velvet. She's new.
Maybe you'll try her out soon.
How's it hanging?
Good. It's good.
He comes in every day,
nurses one beer for hours...
then once every two weeks,
on payday, he parties.
You can tell it's payday
when his hair's clean.
Good to know.
Excuse me.
Mary, are you kidding me?
I'm in the middle of something here.
Your daughter's on the phone.
She's crying. Says it's urgent.
Something about her dad
won't let her go to a party.
Shoot.
-Give me 30 seconds.
-Okay.
Where do you go to school?
Colorado State. Same as my sister did.
She's the brains in our family.
Your mother won't let me
help her do anything.
You know, I was thinking about you
the other afternoon.
I was watching one of those health channels
on the cable...
and they did a whole show about jet lag.
You ever have any trouble with that,
all that flying around?
It bothered me at first, yeah.
But you get used to it.
You must meet so many interesting
people with a job like that.
I did, yeah.
Athletes. Actors. A couple of politicians.
-Look what we got.
-Here, let me get that.
There's tuna salad, egg salad,
and some turkey.
Guy I work with,
his daughter is a stewardess.
Manny's kid.
I remember her. Tall, long black hair.
-Tramp.
-Nice, Ma.
I'm only saying what's true.
The girl slept her way across the country.
Maybe it was the jet lag.
We need more lemonade.
Where's your brother?
He's upstairs, I think.
Tommy. We're eating. Come on down.
Sorry. I was just getting things set for later.
Shayna, you don't mind, do you?
Me and the guys
kidnapping Evan for the night?
No, who am I to get in the way
of a good bachelor party?
Just so you know,
we're skipping the whole strip club thing.
-I should hope so.
-Kidding me?
You could get a disease
just looking at some of those skanks.
Sorry, Ma.
Not that either of us would know
about this firsthand.
Thank goodness for small favors.
Eat.
Thanks, Ma.
-I'll see you both tomorrow.
-See you tomorrow.
And get some sleep tonight.
-That was a boatload of fun.
-What?
Oh, good. I thought you'd gone
into a coma there.
It's the day before her wedding.
She's just a little tense.
You are.
Thank you.
Why are you marrying me?
What?
Why do you love me?
Let me see. Because you're hot?
I'm kidding.
I mean, you are, but that's not....
I have this uncle.
Uncle Lou, he's quite a character.
You'll meet him tomorrow.
Whenever he talks about a woman
he really likes...
he calls her a good girl.
"That Audrey Hepburn, she's a good girl."
Anyway, after that first weekend
you and I spent together...
I called him up and I said:
"l finally understand
what you're talking about Uncle Lou.
"l met a good girl."
I'm so glad Chelsea made it.
Elizabeth would have been crushed
if she wasn't here.
I'm sorry we're so late.
There was a mix-up with Chelsea's dad.
So nice to meet you finally.
Yeah, you, too.
-What time do you want me to pick her up?
-No, stay. Please.
-I can't.
-At least have a cup of coffee.
-Okay.
-Come on.
Everybody, this is Chelsea's mom.
-Sorry, I don't know your first name.
-Taylor.
We were beginning to think
you didn't really exist.
This is me.
-I'm Gail, Melody's mom.
-Hi.
That's lnez and Patty. Inez is
Brittany's mom, and Patty's got the twins.
-How's it going?
-Good.
Found it.
Hon, this is Taylor.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.
I should get this out
to the karaoke machine. Excuse me.
Thanks.
-Can I ask you a question, Taylor?
-Yeah.
I mean, it's none of my business
and it's probably not even true...
but did I hear correctly
that you work at the Diamond Ranch?
For God's sake.
No, it's okay. That is where I work.
As a....
As a what?
A prostitute?
What do you do, lnez?
I teach yoga.
-You charge by the hour?
-Yeah.
The more clients,
the more money you make?
-That's very cute.
-I wasn't trying to be. It's the same concept.
Probably some of the same positions,
now that I think about it.
Would you excuse me, please?
Apple doesn't fall far
from the tree, apparently.
I'll say it again
I ain't got a $20 gold piece
There ain't nothing I can't do!
I can make a dress out of a feedbag
And I can make a man out of you
'Cause I'm a woman
W-O-M-A-N
It's nothing. They're kids.
She probably doesn't even know
what she's even singing about.
Yeah.
Feed the baby, grease the car
And powder my face at the same time
Listen...
thanks for not busting me back there.
I would never do that.
Rory would die if she knew.
Yep.
I can still come and see you,
though, can't l?
I'll be back to pick up Chelsea
in about an hour.
Woman
A W-O-M-A-N
I'll say it again
-Dude, come on.
-I'm tying my shoe, give me a break.
What the heck for?
It's gonna be off in, like, a minute.
Go for it. It'll put some hair on your chest.
What's to think about?
Take the gorgeous one.
Give me a minute.
It's a birthday present from me to him.
And you know what a good brother I am?
I'm not even having one of them myself.
I only saved up enough money for him to.
Very nice of you.
I'll take her. Jean jacket.
All right, then, Emily. Thank you, girls.
I'll be waiting at the bar, bro.
Knock yourself out.
-Mary, your son's here.
-Really?
Hi, sweetie. What are you doing here?
Is everything all right?
I don't know where my house key is.
I think I lost it at the park.
I'll go get mine. Be right back.
So...
what are you thinking you might like?
I don't want to do this.
Are you not very experienced,
Scotty, is that it?
It's all right. I'll teach you.
Learn on me.
-Baby, are you a virgin?
-No.
Are you gay?
-Forget you!
-Hey, any time you're ready.
I didn't hear a yes or a no.
Yes.
You having a little chat with yourself?
Yes, okay? Yes, I'm a flamer.
There, I said it, you happy now?
So what's the deal,
your brother doesn't know?
It's none of his business.
-That's fair.
-No, wait, I'll pay you for this, okay?
Just let me stay in here
till it's been long enough time.
What's the deal?
It's not the worst lie I've ever been part of.
Not by a long shot.
You do use condoms, right?
When you're with a guy?
Yes.
-Every time?
-Yes.
Just making sure.
And a couple of these.
That's $27 even.
-Can I get a beer?
-Yeah, sure.
Thought I'd get the kid
a couple of souvenirs.
Not that he's ever gonna forget this, right?
That'll be $4.
Thanks, bud.
Scotty's probably doing that chick
pretty good by now.
Probably.
Diamond Ranch.
Yeah, hold just a sec.
Austin, it's for you.
Hello.
What?
Jeez, what's with the sirens?
You want me to get you a beer?
You want me to put some music on?
I'm okay.
You play guitar?
I always meant to learn how.
I had a boyfriend in a band.
I used to go on tour.
-Sing backup sometimes.
-Cool.
I had this fantasy
that somebody would discover me.
"Who's that babe in the back?"
I guess when you're drunk
out of your mind...
most of the time
you're not such a hot investment.
I guess not.
I'm named for a song.
-Not really, but what I use for work.
-How come?
Because some of us
don't use our real names.
Anyhow, I picked Emily.
It's from this record my sister
would listen to when I was a kid.
I don't know that song.
mily
You're the natural snow
The unstudied sea
You're a cameo
-Keep going.
-No.
-That was pretty.
-Thanks.
My uncle, my mom's brother...
he produces shows at the Hilton in Reno.
They're always looking for singers.
I could give him your tape.
Do you have one?
Someplace. Listen, you don't have
to do me any favors or anything.
-I'm not going to rat you out to your brother.
-That's not why I said it.
Okay.
Peter, wait.
Damn it, Taylor, I knew it. She's in there?
-Yes, she is.
-Let go.
Wait, don't go and embarrass her
in front of her friends.
She's not even supposed to be at that party.
I told her.
She talked back to you one time,
big freaking deal.
-Don't you tell me how to raise my daughter.
-Whoa.
-Our daughter.
-My daughter, three out of every four weeks.
Or has that fact conveniently
escaped your mind?
No. Look, I appreciate
how you take care of her.
You appreciate it?
What am l, the baby-sitter?
Did I say that?
I was trying to teach her something.
And you just swooped right in.
-Just a regular Mary Poppins.
-Hey, pal, I'm not the baby-sitter, either.
And what was so important that
you couldn't let her go to a stupid party?
-You want to know?
-Yeah, I want to know.
Every day she gets more and more like you.
And that scares the heck out of me.
So you can go.
I'll wait for her out here.
I won't embarrass her. I won't punish her.
Go.
There you are. You hiding back here?
Yeah, kind of. What's up?
I'm supposed to let you know
that Mister Mits is here...
and he can't wait to see you.
His words, not mine.
Lucky me.
But he does pay me a fortune.
And all I have to do
is let him snort a little coke off my boobs.
Hey, I don't need the details.
Sorry. Sometimes I forget
you're not one of the girls.
-Thanks.
-You know what I mean.
-Hey, did you hear about Austin?
-No, what?
His house burned down, electrical fire.
He lost everything.
Shoot.
"And at that moment my love juices
exploded into her...
"and I let out a loud moan
of complete and utter ecstasy.
"And I have to say I'm pretty sure...
"she enjoyed it as much as I did."
Every one of them writes that.
Bless them, if they only knew.
Yetta, can I get a bowl of soup
with some poison please?
-Rough day?
-Kind of, yeah.
-What're you up to?
-Reading my reviews.
The brothel website?
Can I ask you a favor?
This is just, you know, for play.
-Can you help me type a resume?
-Come on, first Shayna, now you?
No. I'm not going anywhere.
It's just to see, hypothetically...
what else I might be qualified for.
If you leave, I'll hunt you down and kill you.
I'll keep that in mind.
Okay, I've never done one of these.
I guess you put down your education first.
-Did you go to college at all?
-Not me, I never even finished high school.
Let's skip that part then.
What do you think
would be your best qualifications?
Professionally speaking.
I give excellent BJs.
-Skilled at oral presentations.
-I like that.
-Exceptional manual dexterity.
-Keen negotiator.
-Works well in group situations.
-Leaving out the words "orgy room."
-Flexible. Stimulating.
-You're good.
Would 69 be considered multitasking?
I don't see why not.
-What's up?
-Nothing much.
Anybody in the mood for a threesome?
I got a live one with deep pockets.
You take it.
Would you mind leaving this here?
No, turn it off when you're done.
Another ebony-and-ivory fantasy.
I'm down with that.
Joke.
-Get you another rum and Coke?
-Thanks.
So what kind of ladies
you got working here?
I'm thinking I might like to party.
Do you want me to call a lineup?
No. I'd feel bad for the ones I didn't pick.
They're used to it. It's part of the job.
-So what's your type?
-Female and breathing.
You might want to be a little more specific.
Well, between you and me,
I really like the colored girls.
The blacker the better. And tall.
Give me a set of long dark legs...
and I'm a happy man.
You're in luck. We've got a girl just like that,
started this week.
Velvet.
I like her already. Is she on tonight?
Yeah, she should be out any minute.
Let me ask you, though, what's it gonna
cost me to party with this Velvet?
I don't know. That's between you and her.
Hey, Velvet, want to come here a minute?
-Hey, what's going on?
-I've got a guy who'd like to meet you.
-Hi.
-Carlos.
You thought you'd get away from me?
What do you think you're doing?
Why, you didn't think
I was going to find out?
You didn't think my other girls
were going to give you up?
-I'm sorry.
-I will really kill you.
You don't even think about it.
Come on.
Leave her alone.
-Lady, what, are you serious?
-I mean it, let go of her.
You totally crazy!
Leave her alone and get out of here. Now!
Are you okay?
I should have known
this guy was up to something.
How could you have?
This is still bleeding.
It's deep,
but I don't think you'll need stitches.
Good.
Let me in there one more time.
I've got some Percocets in my room
if you need them.
I think aspirin will be fine, thank you.
Okay, there.
What was that?
Must have been the loss of blood.
No, seriously.
Seriously, I have wanted to do that since...
-well, how long have you worked here?
-Three years.
Then 2 years, 11 months, and 29 days.
What was wrong with me the first day?
Here you go.
-Cold.
-lce does that.
-Does it hurt?
-Yeah.
-Damn.
-He was your pimp?
A punk rat from the first day I met him.
Keep that on here.
Thanks for keeping me company.
I know I'm probably
not the most popular person now.
Well, it's funny. I feel like I know you.
I guess because I used to watch you
on your show.
Not because we both just did
the same guy together?
No, I think it was the show.
I always thought it was funnier
if I had a little bit of a buzz on.
Yeah, me, too.
-You ever have a pimp?
-No, I didn't need one.
This is a family business for me.
-So, you're related to that David guy?
-No.
My grandmother worked at the Mustang
Ranch back when it first opened.
My mom still puts in a couple days
a month over at the BunnyRanch.
So me doing this was pretty much a given.
Even with you being gay?
He paid me to kiss you.
I don't mean that stuff before,
I mean you with that Emily.
-I see you looking at her all moony-eyed.
-Can we drop this?
I don't get it.
You can't say, maybe you like a girl.
She doesn't know.
Please don't tell anyone.
I won't.
-Don't get too drunk, okay?
-Don't worry. Anyway, Tommy's driving.
Speaking of which, I told the limo driver
to pick you two up at the hotel at noon.
-Have fun.
-Good night.
He is such a nice guy.
Yeah, I guess opposites do attract.
So what do you want to do?
Go back to the room and watch
pay-per-view? Get a massage?
Beth Ann?
I need to talk to you for a minute.
This probably isn't fair to do to you,
but I just....
I need to say this out loud to somebody.
What is it?
Remember Lindsay? She was my roommate
in college, junior year?
Crazy Lindsay, yeah, what about her?
She worked in a brothel every weekend
in Nevada.
-A whorehouse?
-Yeah.
What does this have to do with you?
One time, Super Bowl weekend, she knows
it's going to be busy after the game...
and she says I can go with her.
No. You didn't.
Well, this was after Teddy
had broken up with me.
And you know what a hard time I was
having with that. I just needed somebody...
to make me feel like I was worth being with.
I made $2,000 in, like, a day and a half.
And I was practically failing
my classes anyway...
because you're the smart one.
I never finished college.
And I was never a flight attendant.
-Come on.
-Beth Ann, I know this has to be--
-This isn't funny.
-It's true.
-Stop it!
-Please. I didn't plan this.
-This is just how it worked out.
-You're a prostitute?
I was, but I was going to quit.
-How many guys?
-I don't know.
-Like hundreds?
-Probably.
-I feel nauseous.
-Please, don't throw up.
-I can handle almost anything but that.
-No, I need to get out of here.
-Sweetie, are you okay?
-Don't!
I don't know where to put this in my brain.
Every day, Mommy used to call
the airline to see when your plane got in.
Even when she was sick, even when
she was dying, she made me promise...
-to check if your flights landed okay.
-I'm sorry.
-I wanted to tell you so many times.
-Why didn't you?
-Evan doesn't know, does he?
-No.
-You have to tell him.
-I can't.
He's marrying you.
It's like you said, he is a nice guy.
Why do this to him?
And, my God, you saw his family.
His mother thinks
if you're a stewardess you're a tramp.
She would die if he told her.
I have a chance to be happy.
This isn't only about you.
-Beth Ann, I need you, don't--
-You're disgusting.
I hope nobody sees us.
I remember when I started here,
they said that they discourage....
What do they call it?
"lntra-house fraternizing."
Yeah, I guess "don't spit where you eat"
didn't sound classy enough.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
I kind of got an in with the management.
You're so pretty.
-How many of those have you had there?
-I mean it, you are.
-You know what you taste like?
-What?
Miller Lite.
Hey, did you know
that if a guy drinks a beer...
and then sleeps with a girl,
he can give her a yeast infection?
Taylor told me that.
-Em.
-What?
-Don't.
-Don't what?
It's not a work night.
-ln other words, don't be such a whore.
-I didn't say that.
I know.
I know you didn't.
I don't know
why I thought we could do this.
Come on, no, I didn't mean anything.
What, we're going to date...
and then you're going to watch me
take other guys to my room all night?
I'm going to say, "l need a Long lsland
lced Tea for my john back there"...
and that's going to be okay?
I don't know. Yeah. I'll make it be okay.
How the hell are you going to do that?
-I couldn't do that.
-I don't know. But I will.
Emily, I'm crazy about you.
I want to make this work.
You know what?
You are one of the sweetest,
kindest men I've ever met.
And, baby...
you deserve a whole lot
better than for your girlfriend to be me.
Busted.
Can I talk to you?
Yeah, come on in.
-Did I wake you up?
-No, I couldn't fall asleep.
I'm really sorry. I didn't think he'd find me.
At least, not so quick.
I'll pay for that lamp, the one you shot.
I bet that's the first time you ever heard that.
How's your lip?
Better.
Lucky we working girls got that rule
about no kissing the customers because....
Did he hurt you?
Before, when you were together?
All the time.
You sharing?
Yeah, I'll get you a glass.
Please don't fire me.
I know that's what you must be thinking
right now.
-Please.
-I don't know, Velvet.
It might not be safe for you to stay.
Safer than me being out on the streets
with him looking for me.
I mean, for everybody else.
Look, you can spend the night
on the couch.
-Mom.
-Honey.
-I heard talking.
-Everything's okay.
Ray, this is Velvet.
Hey, Ray.
Do me a favor. Get pillows
and a blanket from the closet.
-Why? She's sleeping here?
-Tonight.
-What, is this a whorehouse now, too?
-Just do what I asked you to do.
Go on.
It'll be more comfortable
with the pillows off.
Em, you going to the doctor?
-I'm sorry, what?
-The doctor.
-The vans are leaving in a little bit.
-All right.
Shayna's getting married today.
Couple of hours.
I know. I was just thinking about her.
Did you and Other David
have an okay time last night?
It's not going to be anything.
I thought it would be, but....
How do you do this job
and have a boyfriend or a husband?
Do you have to make up some stupid story
like Shayna did, is that the only way?
No, I don't think so.
Maybe you'll find somebody who gets it.
Who understands this, you know...
and who loves you for who you are.
The whole package.
Yeah, where the hell am I going to find that?
Beth Ann?
-I help to you?
-Yeah, thanks.
Could I ask you a question?
Because I need an objective opinion.
I'm getting married today, apparently.
There's something he doesn't know
about me. And it's something big.
And some people might think
I don't deserve to marry him.
But I'm not a horrible person, I'm not.
And, you know, people keep secrets
all the time, right?
What do you think I should do?
That's fine.
Thanks.
Good, Boris is here.
I could use more leather armbands.
-Let me get some cash, I'll meet you.
-Okay.
Tay, you coming?
-Not right now.
-Okay.
I felt funny waiting inside.
They said you'd be back soon.
-Do you have a few minutes?
-Yeah.
Kim, you got a second?
Velvet's looking for you.
She wants to say goodbye.
-What's she saying goodbye for?
-Why do you think?
-Where's Mary?
-Kitchen.
-What are the odds he'll come back here?
-Probably very high.
Okay, so we call the sheriff.
She's a TV star, it'll be good for business.
Kim, she got fired after one season
on a sitcom.
You know, it's not exactly like Halle Berry
showed up and asked for a job.
Halle Berry showed up and asked for a job?
Yeah, she did,
and I told her she could have your room.
-I thought you were coming right out.
-Mary's firing Velvet.
Come on, Mom, can't she stay
and play with us? Can't she, please?
I'm supposed to keep this place
safe for you.
Besides, how would I explain this to David?
Don't tell him about it, that's how.
You don't think Other David called him
as soon as he got out of here last night?
I can pretty much guarantee you
that didn't happen.
I'll see you out there.
Think about this.
Velvet had this life that was happy...
she was doing her show,
everything was working out for her...
and then all of a sudden,
that's over with and she's alone.
Do you have any idea
how horrible that must feel?
You mean like when my husband died...
and he left me and Ray all alone
with no money and no life insurance?
Yeah, I'm familiar with that feeling.
I'm sorry. Mary, I didn't know that.
-Any more trouble, she's out of here.
-Thank you.
-So this is your room then?
-Yeah.
It's cozy.
It's the accessories that really
make the difference, don't you think?
-Please don't make fun of me.
-I'm not.
This is difficult for me to ask you.
But I came here to ask, so....
Could you help me be better at sex?
I'm sorry?
I don't think I'm making my husband
happy anymore.
I'm scared that he might
look for someone else.
If he hasn't already.
And I thought, maybe,
you as a professional....
Of course, I'll pay you for your time.
Oh, no, was that a terrible thing to ask you?
You mean as opposed to, like,
asking for my special recipe for meatloaf?
I'm sorry, I had no business.
No, wait, hang on a second. Don't go.
You didn't insult me. It's flattering. Kind of.
-You're just catching me on a really bad day.
-Why? What's wrong?
Okay, here's the way that I figured it.
Chelsea's in school all day.
We talk every night,
and the week I have with her every month...
it's me and her, nobody else, that's it.
I thought that I could do this job
and still be a good mother.
You know?
And I could still be a good influence on her.
What an idiot.
You must be doing something right.
Chelsea's crazy about you.
She talks about you all the time.
Yeah? Does she say
that her mother's a stupid whore?
Yes, I'm back.
I just wanna thank the Academy
for this great honor.
Girl, I'm glad you're staying.
We need more sisters around here.
Thank you, baby.
I won't forget what you did.
-What do you think, Boris?
-Nice. Sexy.
Very sexy. Does it push my rack up enough?
-I get you a smaller size.
-Thanks.
-Well?
-Pretty.
-Did you ask her yet?
-No, but I will now.
Good.
Rickie Lee.
We're taking up a collection to help Austin
get back on his feet.
-You heard about the fire, right?
-Yeah.
Each of us is going to do a trick
for him today. How about it, you in?
Sure, I'll just pull a rabbit out of my skirt.
Forget I even asked.
-Smaller size.
-Thanks.
Boris, did you get those saddle shoes
I asked you for?
You said you'd get them for me this week.
-lnside the truck, I'll check.
-Thank you.
Selfish witch.
You got something to say to me, Emily,
say it.
You won't give any money for Austin,
but you'll spend it on that sick little-girl act.
You think I give a damn?
You think I give a damn
what you think of me?
I don't think you give a damn about
anything or anybody...
except those sleazeballs
you're so busy getting off.
-Listen, wart-face--
-I'll kill you.
Emily, stop it!
Let me tell you something.
If some loser wants to do a little girl...
I'd just as soon it be me
and not his 10-year-old daughter.
-Sure I can't get you anything else?
-I'm good.
The usual.
-You looking to party?
-I'm waiting for Emily.
-I'm better.
-I'm gay.
I've got a Cub Scout uniform I could wear
if that would do it for you.
No, thanks.
For somebody who doesn't sleep with girls,
you spend a lot of time at a whorehouse.
-What?
-One of the singers in the show...
at the Hilton,
they're doing this '60s revival thing....
Janis Joplin girl got strep. My uncle
heard your tape, he wants you to audition.
-Get out of here.
-It's only temporary--
-ls this for real?
-Yeah.
Get out of here. Oh, my. I love you.
-What's going on?
-I got an audition, singing, in Reno.
That's fantastic.
Here we go.
To Emily.
To Emily.
I, Shayna, take you, Evan,
to be my husband.
To have and to hold from this day forward.
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer.
In sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until death do us part.
Before God and
in the presence of this congregation...
Evan and Shayna have made
their solemn vows to each other.
Therefore, I proclaim that they are now
husband and wife.
Evan, you may kiss your bride.
-What are you doing?
-Living vicariously.
Here.
Give it a shot.
You ready?
You're not going to hurt it.
Attagirl.
You don't like it much here, do you?
I don't know. Not yet. Getting there.
I love it here. Men do me,
and then they pay me, it's unbelievable.
You can make an ugly guy feel handsome.
You can make an old guy feel young.
And the money. Oh, man.
Hookers make pretty much
the same hourly rate that lawyers do.
-I mean, beat that with a stick.
-Taylor, why are you telling me all this?
Because I have to leave.
Peter? Chels?
No.
Oh, my.
Oh, my. That son of a bitch.
Hello, Diamond Ranch.
No, I'm sorry.
She doesn't work here anymore.
I know.
But if you come in,
we have a number of very beautiful girls...
and I'm sure you'll find someone
you can be satisfied with. Okay.
Aren't you going to congratulate the bride?
Oh, Shayna.