The Re-Education of Molly Singer (2023) Movie Script

1
[upbeat music playing]
[Molly] When I think back
on my college experience,
my fondest memories are...
Damn.
Where'd they all go?
- Ah, I've got it.
- [footsteps]
- Hold on, one quick second.
- [bottle opening]
- Hang tight.
- [sips alcohol]
- [footsteps]
- [exhales]
- [lighter flicks]
- [bubbling]
[strained] Yeah.
There they are.
They always just
come flooding back.
[exhales] Alright.
When I think back
on my college experience,
my fondest memories are...
[man] Go! Go! Go! Go!
["I Love It" (feat. Charli XCX)
by Icona Pop playing]
[Molly] Four years
of tailgating,
serial dating, hookups,
breakup sex, makeup sex.
And then there's this guy.
[moans softly]
Four years of endless parties,
no parents, no bills,
no jobs...
- [screaming]
- ...best friends
and bitter rivals.
Any sane person that ever
graduated from an institute
of higher learning
will tell you that college
was hands down
the best years of their lives.
Okay, try and keep
your eyes open.
Jeez. Okay.
[Molly] My name is Molly Singer
and in college,
I had it all figured out.
- [gasps]
- But now?
[sighs]
Well...
[upbeat music playing]
[Molly inhales] Mm.
Oh, Jesse.
[sighs heavily]
I thought you were
Michael B. Jordan.
Oh, Jesus!
Mrs. Zimmerman.
- What are you doing
in my apartment?
- You gave me a key.
For emergencies.
Yes, well, I thought
you might be
in distress, or dead.
- You need something.
- Yeah, I need something.
Could you be a dollface
and drive me to the market?
I tried to get a car on Lyft,
but apparently my, uh...
"My account is blocked."
No, no. No air quotes.
No, you have
a shockingly high number
of one-star ratings.
Oh, and it's my fault
that they all drive
like Tijuana kamikazes?
Mm. [gulps]
My God, the racism.
- I'm sorry, what was that?
- [exhales]
I think I need to get
some breakfast first.
Kiddo, it's 9:30.
I think...
- What?
- ...brunch would be
more in order.
- We can have brunch
while we're out.
- Huh?
- Kill two birds
with one stone, right?
- Oh, I... Uh...
You might wanna drag a comb
across that head.
- [clicks tongue] Yeah...
- Come on, baby. Let's go.
[groans, mumbles] Oh, God, no.
I didn't want to go to work.
["Boss" by Mad Circuit playing]
Good morning, everybody.
We've got a ton of stuff
to get through today.
So let's get... [inhales]
Nelson, I swear to God.
Are you curing cancer
on that fucking phone?
[mobile game chirps,
whines down]
- Is that your last life?
- [phone ringing]
Um...
I have, um, one life left.
Okay, why don't you go
finish that up at your desk?
Now?
Right fucking now.
Oh.
Whose nephew is that?
Can we please find that out?
Thank you for joining us,
Miss Singer.
Yeah, I, uh, I've been here
a while actually.
Really? 'Cause it looks like
you're coming back
from getting
your pupils dilated.
Oh, the glasses.
Yeah. Transitions.
I don't know. [chuckles]
Not working.
[Molly sighs heavily]
So do you need
a little bit of nap time
or something? Because I can--
I can give the Pebblebrook case
to one of your colleagues.
Perhaps someone with
aspirations of becoming
partner here one day.
Realistic aspirations.
[associates giggling]
Ah, no, no. I'm...
I'm-- I'm great.
Joe, how are you?
[heavy breathing]
[groans] Oh, God.
[objects clatter]
[Brenda] What the hell
was that back there?
Oh, uh... Yeah,
I think I just got,
like, the flu bug
or something.
Really? Breakfast
of champions, I see.
Yeah, I'm just gonna be
really honest with you.
The Pebblebrook motion
is giving me an aneurysm
and I, I went out last night
for a little stress relief.
Think I just overdid it
a little. You know?
You think?
Yeah.
- Oh, Miss Singer.
- [groans, sighs]
You intrigue me.
You are smart.
You bill a ton of hours.
You exude a charming
yet ignorant amount
of confidence,
that for some ungodly reason
your clients seem to love.
[gulping]
But if you think for one second
that this firm needs you
more than you need it,
you are sadly mistaken.
I've got it
all under control.
[stomach growling]
You're gonna throw up,
aren't you?
Yes, I am. Yeah.
You screw up this hearing,
you will never work
in this city again.
Am I clear?
Yes, ma'am.
[retches]
[coughs]
Oh, that is sour.
Oh, piss off, Nelson.
[jazz music playing]
[Paulie] Oh, hey, Paulie.
How was your night last night?
Oh, it was great.
I hooked up with my Uber driver.
He was really hot.
[singsongy] You don't care
'cause you're not listening.
Okay. Just...
- Hey!
- [groans]
Watch it.
Okay, you know what?
This is bumming me out.
[chuckles]
When you invited me
to a work dinner,
you didn't say there was
gonna be work at the dinner.
- Hmm.
- So do you see me working?
Well, I'm sure they've got
a few cans of mixed vegetables
you could crack open
for them in the back.
Whatever. At least
I like my job.
Oh, you do not like your job
and you know it.
I love my job. I get to work
with kids and teach them
about nutrition and shit.
What? You work at a cafeteria.
What kind of nutritional
benefits are you teaching them?
The difference between
chocolate and 2% milk?
Mm. Joke's on you.
We have oat milk now.
- No, shit? Very fancy.
- Yeah. So fancy.
- What, are there
a lot of white kids?
- A lot of white kids.
- Okay.
- So many white kids.
You know, I think
that you should go back.
Go back to school
for the semester.
Get your parents to unlock
your trust fund.
Mol, can you just drop it.
We've had this conversation.
- Why wouldn't you do it?
- It's complicated.
It's your foolish pride
and I am telling you
that is gonna get
in the-- Oh, shit.
- Look away. Look away. Quickly.
- What?
- Look away. Look away.
[shushing]
- What?
Molly Singer?
Poles! Wow!
- Poles, yeah.
- [chuckles]
[laughs]
Good to see you.
- Hiya.
- Hey, oh. Okay.
[laughter]
- Poles?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Poles.
It was my pledge name
at Barnett.
- Oh. What does it mean?
- Yeah.
Well, uh, we were
on this ski trip
and Handy Moore over here--
It was a nickname.
It was just like
a semi-truthful nickname.
- Oh, okay.
- Mm.
Yeah, she was just always
in the hotel room, you know?
Practicing her form
with two very big ski poles,
firm grip.
So, like, kind of
like this, like...
- Ooh. Look out.
- [Molly] Yup.
- We're going down
a black diamond?
- [Paulie] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Totally getting it. That's it.
- [Molly and Trina laughs]
- I was just thinking.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I thought you might be here
- with your husband, but...
- Um...
- Aw, it's just Paulie.
- [laughs]
But you guys are married...
- [Charles] Yeah.
- ...so that's cool.
- Very cool.
- Four amazing years
- with my Charles here.
- Wow.
White picket fence,
two-year-old daughter,
yeast rising on another.
I guess the icing on the cake
is I was just made full partner
at my firm.
Yeah. She's my rock star.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
- Well, you know what they say.
- [laughs] Yeah.
When you find love,
you gotta hold
onto it tight! Right?
- Grab it! Never let go.
- Really tight.
- [grunts]
- [chuckles]
It's just the two of you.
Mm? Yeah, just like always.
Well, have a good dinner.
See you, guys.
- Great to see you.
- Yeah.
Nice pearl necklace,
by the way.
- Thank you.
I like to coordinate.
- I bought it for her.
- [Paulie] What
a fucking asshole.
- [Trina sighs]
So you liked the poles
in your hands?
- I don't understand.
- Shut up, Charles.
[Elliot breathes heavily]
Alright. Alright, you got this.
Confidence. Come on. Come on.
Shirt looks good.
Shark tooth, that's sick.
Hair's good.
Come on.
You know this, let's go.
Let's do it, come on.
Badass, badass, badass,
badass, badass.
- [cell phone beeps]
- [exhales]
TikTok MMA style,
motherfucker. Let's go.
[grunting]
- Hey!
- Aah!
That was so great.
So great up until that,
you know, the end,
but great form.
- [Brenda chuckles]
- [sighs]
Haven't you heard of knocking?
I'm trying to perfect
my TikTok game.
Okay. Well, I don't even know
what that means.
But, um, I have
a really great surprise
for you tonight.
No, no.
I don't like surprises.
They give me anxiety.
Mm-hmm.
Elliot, honey. [sighs]
You sit up here
in your room all day.
All you do is this TikTok thing
and, and play video games.
You don't show up
for your friends.
You don't show up
for me, for dinner.
We always used to go out
to dinner as a family together
the night before
you'd go to camp,
and this is so much bigger
than that, honey.
It's college.
So can you please just humor
your mother this one time?
[exhales]
'Cause there's
a really great buffet
that I keep hearing
about. [chuckles]
I wanna take you to it, so...
You do love buffets.
Mm-hmm.
I do. [chuckles]
Alright.
["Churros" by Crypto Bunny
playing over speakers]
[DJ on mic]
That's right, don't forget
to tip your cocktail waitress.
And coming up to the stage
to light it up
for you fellas
right now is Passion!
Do your thang, girl.
[Brenda] So you form the S-corp,
and the club hires you
as a vendor.
The tax break was great,
but it stopped you
from getting
all your deductions.
It'd still cover shoes,
though, right?
Well, as long as you can claim
they're a costume for work
and, you know, not functional
in your day-to-day life.
Oh, yeah, girl,
those are deductible. [laughs]
Oh. Is this great
or what? [chuckles]
Yeah, it's just--
it's kinda hard to breathe.
Oh, it's all part
of the experience, son.
I know this would have been
more of your dad's territory,
but I think it's kind of cool.
Great music, scampi.
- [ladies giggling]
- [indistinct club chatter]
Hey, give it a little
spanky spank.
I-- I don't wanna
spanky spank.
No better time
than the present. TikTok.
No, that's not even
what TikTok is!
- Just tap it.
Just a little tap.
- No! No, stop. Stop.
Be a man!
[gasps, grunts]
[groans]
- Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
And that, son,
is an important lesson
in consent.
From kissing to coitus,
- what are we gonna do?
- Ask?
You're goddamn right we are
and you're not gonna listen
to PJ, Tobin, and Squee.
Who?
- Thanks, ladies. Nice work.
- No problem.
- Judge Stanton says hi.
- Oh, I'm sure he does.
Well, see you ladies
at gym class. Let's go.
What the fuck just happened?

I cannot believe
we ran into Poles.
Are we still talking
about this?
I might as well been holding
a Daniel Steele novel
and a bag of kitty litter
for my seven fucking cats
waiting for me at home.
You're slipping, Mol.
I would have lead
with the fact we caught her
giving two handies
at that ski trip.
No, we are too old
to be slut-shaming,
don't you think?
Not if it's Poles.
She's the worst.
- Seriously.
- Oh. [mumbles]
- [bouncer clears throat]
- [Molly] Oh! [chuckles]
- Back of the line.
- Oh, I'm with her, so...
That is terrific.
Back of the line.
Both of you.
- What just happened?
- Oh, my God.
He can smell
the loser on me.
That's the dumbest fucking thing
I've ever heard.
No, no, no, no,
she's actually right.
She reeks of it.
It's cutting through all
the Armenian guys' cologne.
So can you please make
my job easier
and get to the back?
- Thank you.
- Okay, that was a sign.
I have Pebblebrook tomorrow.
I need to go home
and get some rest.
You can't go home dry-docking.
- You'll be in hell all night.
- Yeah--
Hey. Okay. We're not gonna end
the night like this.
Not on my watch. Okay?
- Just give me a sec.
- I'm not standing-- Okay.
Give me a sec.
[clears throat]
Hello, gentlemen.
Uh... [indistinct]
I'm the manager,
and, uh...
[sighs heavily]
[indistinct conversation]
What? What did you say?
You're Carly Rae Jepsen,
I'm your manager.
- Just go with it.
- Who?
I really question
our friendship sometimes.
Hello.
["Fierce" by Hotline playing]
[gasps, exhales]
What? No.
[heavy breathing]
[body thuds]
[sighs]
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Want some pancakes, Mol?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me!
[groans]
Selfish. Selfish.
Guess not.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I left the car at the club!
Fuck!
El?
- [Elliot] Yeah.
- Wow.
I thought I was gonna have
to blackmail you
to get you out of bed
this morning.
You gonna take that bag?
Yeah, it's the one
that Dad gave me.
Yeah, I know,
I know he did.
And you know,
when you were little,
it was so cute when you--
you could fit inside of it
and we'd joke around
that we were gonna save
money on tickets
'cause we could fly you cargo,
but this is, um...
I mean, don't you think now
this is a little tacky?
You know, Mom,
I-I've been thinking,
um, about what you said
last night,
and you're right.
You know, ever since Dad passed,
I've just been...
Well...
Nothing really, I suppose.
Um...
But what I do know is that...
Dad was all about showing up.
So that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna show up.
[clicks tongue] Okay,
you can keep the frigging bag.
I will get you a matching set
for Hanukkah. [sniffles]
Um, you're still
in your robes, Mom.
Right. Oh. Damn it.
Um, 20 minutes, 20 minutes.
[tense music playing]
Mr. Pebblebrook,
your counsel has till I get
through the sports section.
Shit!
[panting]
[frustrated groan] Shit.
Damn.
[Molly] Coming through!
Excuse me!
Oh, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
- [grunts]
- [thuds]
[panting continues]
- Objection.
- Shit.
- Manolo Blahnik or...?
- What?
Ooh, say...
They say you snort
the gel inside here,
you can fucking fly
to the moon and back.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
You can have those.
- Oh, no, you--
- They're all yours, buddy.
[Judge Davis] That's it.
Sorry, I know I'm late. I know.
Sorry, Mr. Pebblebrook.
Based on absence
of oral argument
by the moving party,
the motion for summary judgment
is denied...
[heavy breathing]
...with prejudice.
I'm here! I'm here! Wait!
[panting, heavy breathing]
Huh?
Oh... [sighs]
["Elevated"
by Night Swimmer playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct chatter]
[reporter] Now that the leg
is fully healed,
are you taking us to
the national championship game?
Uh, with God's determination
and his healing hands,
that's the plan, no doubt.
And you surpassed
over a thousand yards last year.
You plan to surpass
that this year?
Oh, yeah, most definitely.
I mean, you know,
this is what I do, so...
So the dorms are great.
Even though your room's
the size of my shoe closet.
Well, I don't think
it's that bad.
I mean, your shoe closet
is pretty big.
And the girl-to-guy ratio
is really playing in your favor.
Mom. No. Don't.
I'm just saying
from a numbers perspective.
Don't you have to go
to work or something?
Anything other than talking
about girl-to-guy ratios?
[sighs]
This is gonna be the best
four years of your life,
I promise.
You are gonna do great things,
Elliot Steiner.
Come on.
["Happy To Be Here"
by Dawdy & Menna playing]
Mm. All that's left
is the body snatcher.
You wanna get in it
one last time
for old time's sake?
Mom, people can hear you.
Please.
- Sorry.
- [phone rings, vibrates]
Dammit, I told her
not to bother me
on my last day with you.
- This is...
- [phone rings, vibrates]
Maybe it's an emergency.
[beeps]
[exhales] The office
better be burning
to the fucking ground.
She did what?!
- ["Happy To Be Here" playing]
- [car revving]
[skater grunts]
[indistinct chatter]
[male reporter] Do you think
you're gonna break
your record from last year?
- Oh. Oh...
- [student] Look out!
Too many questions.
Too many questions now.
[indistinct conversation]
By the way it's going,
I might not get tacked all year.
Whoa! [yelling]
- Where does it hurt?
- Fuck, man! I think
I broke my ankle!
- Which ankle is it?
- This one! [yells]
Do you think
you can play this season?
What? I don't know.
I just broke my ankle.
Hey, it was him!
- Let's fucking get him!
- What?
[overlapping chatter]
You better run! Get him!
- [student 2] Get him!
- [student 3] Come here, man!
[Bob Menery] Well, Peter,
a world record.
While normally reserved
for professional athletes,
this week's Daily
Upper Decker Award
goes to none other than
college freshman,
Elliot Steiner,
who single-handedly
wrecked the MVP run
of potential first-round
draft pick,
Demetrius Moss.
Whoa! [yelling]
- [female reporter]
Where does it hurt?
- [groans]
[yelling]
[slow motion yelling]
[Bob] Time to get the fuck
out of dodge, kid.
[student 1] ...fucking get him!
[tires screeching]
[student 2]
Wait till I catch you!
[student 3]
Hey, you're dead, man!
[indistinct shouting]

[Brenda] Singer!
Do you have any idea
how fucked this is?!
Pebblebrook
is threatening to sue us
for mishandling his case.
You not only lost me money,
you are costing me money.
- Brenda, I can fix this.
- Yeah, you can,
by packing your shit
- and getting the fuck
out of my office.
- [phone beeps]
- [assistant] Mrs. Steiner?
- What?!
- Y-your son is on line one.
- Move.
[sighs heavily]
Hey, my love,
how's your first day going?
- I'm coming home.
- What?
- What happened?
- Check your text messages.
[Bob on video]
...Elliot Steiner,
who single-handedly
wrecked the MVP run
of potential first-round
draft pick,
- Demetrius Moss.
- [Brenda] Oh.
[Demetrius yelling on video]
Well, I mean, it's--
I'm sure it's not that bad.
It'll blow over.
I'm literally packing
my bags right now.
[Brenda] Oh, come on, honey.
Steiners are not quitters.
We're fighters.
I'm not a fighter.
I'm a Daily Upper Decker.
I don't even know
what that means.
It's shit, Ma! It's shit. Okay?
It's when you take a--
a shit in the tank of a toilet
and then when you flush it,
it's just shit.
It's perpetual continuous shit.
[Brenda] Honey,
your father wanted you
to go to his alma mater.
Give me that. Sit down.
- Sit down!
- [picture frame thuds]
What do you wanna hear?
Yeah,
you were dealt
the shitty hand.
So was I.
But it's where you go from here
that determines
what kind of a man
you become, son.
Are you an Upper Decker?
Or are you my brave number two?
You realize in this scenario,
I'm a piece of shit either way.
Yeah, I'm just realizing that.
It's not-- not my best analogy.
[sighs heavily]
But I have a feeling
that, um...
everything's gonna work out.
Can you trust me?
Yeah.
You went to undergrad
at Barnett University, right?
Uh, y-yes, ma'am.
And you were president
of your sorority
and I'm sure you were popular
with all the guys, right?
I mean, yeah, a little...
Look at you.
Um...
- My son, Elliot...
- Mm.
...is just starting
his freshman year
at Barnett
and he's had a little bit
of a, a misstep.
- Yeah, the Upper Decker video?
- What?
Yeah, Nelson showed it
to us earlier.
Fucking moron.
- Mm.
- Um...
The thing is, my son...
My son is a really good kid,
but he, um...
He's a recluse.
Oh.
So it's gonna take
somebody else
to help him come out
of his shell.
[Molly] Yeah.
And that someone is you.
Me?
Yeah, see,
the way I see it is,
I want my son to be happy
and you need a job.
Oh, so I'm not fired?
Oh, no, you're definitely
still fired. [laughs]
No, uh, I'm saying
that I would like to hire you
to go back to Barnett
as a student,
but obviously with
a different last name.
I'll have the art
and tech department
hook you up,
get you a new student ID,
transcripts,
everything you need.
[stammers] I just don't--
I don't think that they--
No, that's the problem.
You don't think.
Otherwise, you would still have
your fucking job, so...
- Ah...
- I just-- I, I--
I want you to take him
under your wing.
You know, help him--
help him meet some friends.
- His father was Ki Mu.
- Oh.
So he's a legacy.
Help him get into the frat.
Yeah, I mean, I--
I just don't know
anything about--
You have until
Homecoming weekend,
which is exactly
two months from now.
In exchange, I will pay you
half of your salary.
- What?
- And if you succeed,
we can talk about you
coming back to the firm.
[stammers]
You wanna pay me
to go back to Barnett?
Yeah.
Oh...
[school bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]
Hey, there's my Becky.
Thank you.
You just had to give out
that second fruit cup, huh?
Why'd I do it, Walter?
Do you know?
'Cause you're a fucking
kiss-ass.
- Oh, fuck you. It's 'cause...
- [mouthing]
...little Becky there's got
a soccer game this afternoon
and she needs the extra fuel.
Isn't that right, Becky?
Yeah! How many goals
you scoring today?
I'm the goalie.
Yeah, you are! Goal!
Get your cooties away
from my station.
What'd I tell you?
Oh, I'm sorry,
was it one workstation
- behind you?
- Yes. Jesus.
[Molly] Paulie!
It is time to retire
your hairnet,
pack up your sh-- stuff.
Hi, children.
We're going back to Barnett.
- What are you talking about?
- Okay, so here's the update.
Got to court,
a little bit late...
Look, you know,
I'm really sorry about that.
- [Molly] Ooh! Ooh!
- [kid] Ooh.
Get back to your station
and don't fucking touch me.
- [Molly] Paulie.
- [clears throat]
My apologies. Uh...
That's on me.
Juice boxes for everybody.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, I don't think
you're getting it.
I really, really don't.
I'm getting paid
to go back to college. Okay?
- And you're gonna come with me.
- Hard pass, Mol.
Walter's got me
on management track.
Paulie, I need you.
Seriously, we can go back,
have a great time,
party like we used to.
You can finish
your degree, finally.
And then when you unlock
your trust,
you could just buy
the whole cafeteria,
have it named after you.
Maybe even...
[whispering] ...fire Walter.
- Fire Walter?
- Why not?
- Okay, I really wanna go.
- Okay. We're getting you out.
- Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we got it. We got it.
- Alright.
- [exclaims]
Oh, I wanna fire Walter!
- Yeah!
- Fuck you!
[Molly exhales]
See ya, kids!
[whispers] Fuck you.
["Flex" by Kali J playing]
[music abruptly ends]
Sorry, no housing available.
- Huh?
- [bell dings]
What do you mean
there's no housing available?
Record enrollment.
Did you not read your freshman
orientation packet?
Because if you had,
you'd know that the dorms
need to be secured
- two months in advance.
- Oh, okay.
- Barnett...
- Well, what about
private housing?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh. Record enrollment.
- Oh, boy.
- What is up with people
that have the ability to hear?
Yet nobody ever listens.
- [Molly] I hate that.
- Okay, campus Barbie, listen.
- I--
- Look, here's the deal.
We've just been traveling
so much the last few years,
dedicating our lives
to helping children in need
on a grassroots level
for little to no pay.
- [phone ringing]
- And now...
We need to come back
and finish school
so we can take our local efforts
to the global stage,
and I'm talking Malawi,
Namibia, Darfur.
[phone ringing continues]
- I'll tell you
what I can do. Okay?
- Okay.
Not a fucking thing.
America first.
Student Housing.
This is Amy.
- Did she just say
"America first"?
- [Amy] Oh, yes, absolutely.
- [softly] She said,
"America first."
- [laughs]
[Amy] Okay... [indistinct]
Huh.
What the hell was I thinking?
Stupid, stupid Darfur.
Yeah, she feels like someone
who would run over protesters
if given the chance.
I can't believe we already
fucked this up.
"We"? [scoffs]
Okay. Maybe it's for the best.
I mean, this is
the dumbest fucking idea
since we both tried
anal bleaching.
Yeah, but if we don't do it,
then we both go to living
on the streets.
- So...
- Okay. Nope. Uh...
My skin won't last a day
in these streets,
so we gotta figure
something out.
[mumbles] I know
all about the skin...
Hold up. Hold up.
Excuse me. Hi. Hi.
[sighs] Can I borrow you
for a sec?

Why? No, no, no, no.
What the fuck?
[sighs heavily] Goddammit.
[huffs air]
So you're the Upper Decker, huh?
I'm Lindsay.
Looks like we're neighbors.
So should I just call you
"Upper" for short or...?
Uh, I-I'm Elliot. Sorry.
Hmm. Joe "Daddy" Stevenson.
Uh, you know MMA?
Hell, yeah. Well, I mean,
I didn't start getting into it
till Rousey started
fighting but...
Oh, that's, that's--
that's dank.
Yeah. [chuckles]
It's super dank.
Uh, well, I will take these
as I see them.
The danglies
are all yours though.
"Dank"? What the fuck, dude?
- [lock beeps]
- [sighs]
["Made For It"
by Unsecret x Olly Anna playing]
[chuckles]
[Paulie chuckles, clicks tongue]
Oh, look, it's the International
Man of Mystery.
Oh, Amy.
You passed.
Passed what?
The test to see
if you are one of us.
Can't be too careful
in a college campus nowadays,
what with the deep state
liberal agenda.
[inhales, groans]
[grunts]
You-- you follow the Q?
[scoffs] Do I follow the...
Is George Soros the head
of a major pedophile ring
being run out of metro area
pizza places?
I know you said housing
was full to the brim,
but I think you and I both know
it's up to people like us
to make the silent majority
not so silent!
[softly] In places like this.
And my girl Molly Sutter,
she's down for the cause too.
She is. So...
if you can find it
in your heart,
maybe even consider it
your patriotic duty,
to put a roof over our heads.
["Bounce It"
by Flyana Boss playing]
[Paulie] What do you say?
What are we doing?
Oh, yeah, you dirty
little snowflake.
I'm gonna assimilate you
like a docile minority
population.
Uh, uh... assimilate me,
you filthy little whore.
Hey, don't be a misogynist.
Oh, that's where
you draw the line?
- I talk, you fuck.
- [grunts]
Mm-hmm. Yup.
[Paulie groans softly]
So are we doing this or what?
Yeah, just getting it queued up.
- [slight chuckle]
- Yup. [chuckles]
Yeah, okay.
[nervous chuckle, breathes in]
Oh, Michael B. Jordan.
Michael B. Jordan.
Michael B. Jordan.
Oh, God.
Molly, I could fucking kill you.
- [Amy chuckles] You like that?
- [groans]
Don Lemon!
This place isn't
officially affiliated
with the university,
but they do offer
student discounts on rent, so...
Amy, your country thanks you.
Come back to be fucked
by a real American
patriot any day,
you commie Antifa bitch.
No, not if I...
storm their capitol first.
[sighs]
Oh, dear God.
[sighs]

Okay, yeah. Just talk
to her. Just go in.
Hey. Hey, how are you?
I didn't see you there.
Uh, maybe you wanted
to go on a walk?
Okay, maybe you wanna go
on a n-nature hike
alone with me?
[stammers] What am I?
Yogi fucking Bear?
I-I like-- I like MMA.
I like fighting.
I mean, I know you do too.
Maybe, why don't we just, like,
spar or something?
No, what? Spar.
[sighs]
Just do it. Alright.
One, two, three. Okay.
Hey, I was in the neighborhood
and I just wanted to see...
Oh! Uh, uh...
What the fuck, Chach!
Get the fuck
outta here, bro!
- Aah!
- Get the fuck outta here!
Yup. [breathing heavily]
Always... always knock,
knock, knock.
Fucking idiot.
- [bell dings]
- [crows cawing]
- [Molly] Huh.
- [Paulie] Is this it?
Yeah, this is it.
- [saw whirring]
- [heavy metal music playing]
I think I'm good
sleeping in your car.
[man] Ow! Ow! Fuck!
Mother fuck! Mother fuck!
[exhales loudly]
Is that Scott Perkins?
- I think it is.
- [huffs air]
Didn't he set fire
to the art building
senior year?
For sure.
- Okay.
- Oh, Can't Sing Singer.
- Scotty.
- Paulie.
- Yeah.
- No freaking way.
- Yeah.
- I haven't seen
you guys in years.
- [laughs]
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's good to see you. Yes.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
- Uh...
Wow. So you work here?
Oh, I don't fucking
work here.
I own the whole
freaking building.
- Whoa.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah, I just, uh,
couldn't leave,
- you know, like,
after graduation.
- [Molly] Mm.
Like who does that?
- Everybody.
Everybody does that.
- Yeah, well...
- We did it.
- So I was doing my art
and like sort of
squatting here,
and then my grandpa died.
- Oh, my God. Hmm.
- Yeah. Yeah.
No, it's okay.
He was an asshole.
- Hmm.
- But like a really
rich asshole.
- Mm-mmm.
- Which is how I got this place.
[both laugh]
And how's that
working for you?
Oh, fucking terrible, man.
Really bad. Um...
Like the first day
I got the keys,
there was a black mold scare.
- Oh.
- And then there was
the incident
where a student
may or may not...
have died after sliding
down the pole.
"Pole"?

[gasps]
Holy mother of fuck pads!
Oh, my God, air hockey!
[chuckles] Ha!
Oh, my God, the pole.
- [Scott] Yeah, be careful.
- The pole. That's what just--
The pole! [growls]
- [Molly] Get it! Yes.
- [Scott] Yeah.
- RIP, ladies.
- [Molly] Uh-huh.
Got a little arcade action.
Alright. Okay. Okay.
- [Molly] Wow.
- Bowling bowl.
- [Molly] Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, Grandpa's.
- [Paulie] Ah! [indistinct]
- Scott, this is perfect.
So, uh, how many months
are we talking about?
Because I'm really behind
on my payments.
I was supposed to have
a sorority sign a lease here,
but they pussied out
when they heard that somebody
may or may not have died here.
Oh, Scott. I get
that someone died here.
You don't need to be vague.
Allegedly.
So you're telling me
no one's even had sex
in this hot tub?
Unfortunately,
not a single sperm
has entered
that chlorinated water.
Okay, so, um, how far behind
on payments are you
before the bank
initiates foreclosure?
Uh, 20 grand-ish.
Okay.
Yeah. Um...
I think we can help you out.
- Great. Just don't
put it in my name.
- [Paulie sighs]
Hmm.
[Bob on video] ...Elliot Steiner
has single-handedly
wrecked the MVP run
of potential first-round
draft pick...
Elliot Steiner
has single-handedly...
[indistinct chatter]

- What are you doing?
- Trying not to blow our cover.
With a newspaper? No.
Most of these kids
don't even know what that is.
Just put it down.
Act cool.
Get your phone.
Just relax.
The Upper Decker kid.
- [shushing]
- [chair scraping the floor]
Okay. That's the guy
who took out
- Demetrius Moss.
- Yes.
He'll be lucky if he gets out
of this semester alive.
Okay, we do not have
until the semester ends.
We have until Homecoming
to get this kid
from zero to hero.
Did you just quote
Cool as Ice ?
Hmm. Paraphrased,
but, yes.
- Well, how do you suppose
we do that?
- [smacks lips] With...
this.
[phone alert tone]
- Oh, my God.
- [laughs]
- Holy shit. Is that Demetrius?
- It is. Yeah.
- Is he?
- He is.
- How, dude?
- Well, in-house investigator.
Dude could dig up dirt on Jesus
if we asked him to.
- [sighs, mumbles]
- Mm.
- Oh.
- [sighs]
Uh-oh.
Who's the girl?
Okay.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- He's coming this way.
- He's coming this way!
- Yeah. Yep, yep,
yep, yep. Okay.
Just, uh...
- [student] Whoa.
- [indistinct chatter]
Oh, uh, hey. Wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Hey, hey. Excuse me!
Excuse me! Hi.
- Sorry, you forgot your book.
- Oh, uh, thanks.
Benazir Bhutto: A Biography.
Yeah, the world's first
female Muslim prime minister.
- Yeah, she's great.
- You must be...
what, like a poli-sci
major or something?
I'm undeclared actually.
- Oh, me too.
- Same. Same, same.
- Yeah. This is Paulie
and I'm Molly.
- Yup, yup, yup. [clicks tongue]
- Uh...
- And you are?
Elliot. Elliot Steiner.
- Cool.
- [laughs] Steiner.
I hardly know her.
[Molly chuckles]
Okay, well, um,
we're actually thinking
about going to Stillwaters
in like an hour.
- Would you--
You should come with us.
- Oh, yeah.
- You think I'm an idiot?
- What?
Excuse me. Hi. Hello.
No. No, no, no. No. What?
Some old dude and,
and a random lady
just happen to run into me
right after I become a meme.
Whatever you have planned,
I'm not falling for it.
Look, okay, yes.
We... we do know who you are.
But this isn't a trap
or anything like that.
- No, no.
- It's just we know
our way around here.
- Yes.
- And, and we've all got a past
- that we wished
we could forget.
- Ugh.
Paulie here got so drunk
freshman year...
- Oh!
- ...that he passed out
in McConnell Hall
and shit his pants
in his sleep.
- Remember that?
- Yeah, that was you.
- That was you.
- Details. Anyway the point is,
we all deserve a second chance
at a first impression.
I mean, I-I don't--
I don't even drink, so...
Or, you know, we could,
um, convince the girl
to come with us.
- Oh, yeah.
- What girl?
The girl. The girl you're
making googly eyes at
while you were eating.
[Paulie] Yeah.
[Molly] Steiner? Hello?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, I don't have any plans.
- No plans. There you go.
- That's great. Okay, cool.
Okay, so I think
we have one thing to do
before we go and that is...
- Shave his balls.
- Pretty Woman montage.
- Pretty Woman montage.
- It's gonna be fun.
["Let's Get It"
by DEVMO playing]
[Molly] It's a little
cowboy for me.
It's like a Brokeback chic,
but not so chic.
- [Molly] Oh, my God!
- [Paulie] Yeah!
Next.
[Paulie] Yeah!
No. He looks like a K-Pop video
just took a shit on him.
In a good way.
[Molly and Paulie groaning]
Ma'am, I think
you should just get rid
of that outfit altogether.
It needs to not be
in the store.
- The power of Christ
compels you.
- Yes, awful.
- [thuds]
- [Molly gasps]
Yeah!
- Wow, I love this one.
- Yeah.
Done and done.
You know what I'm saying?
You look great.
["The Touch"
by Welshly Arms playing]
[indistinct chatter]
- [indistinct chatter]
- [laughter]
Alright. Here you go.
Sure Baby Face Nelson
there is 21?
Absolutely.
You've seen us
in here before.
A hundred times.
Oh, right, Ben, was it?
- God, great to see you.
- [Molly laughs]
- Cheers, you guys.
- [Molly] Yeah.
Mr. Franklin.
Here you are.
So do you guys bring
underaged boys here often?
[chuckles]
Look, that is
the least illegal thing
going on around here.
Stillwaters is owned
by the Dabrowski family.
You mean the mob guys?
Polish mob.
Why do you think
they have 1997 prices?
It's all a front
to launder money.
Anything goes.
"You will never find
a more wretched hive
of scum and villainy."
So, uh, when's Lindsay
getting here?
Who?
Oh, the girl.
- [Paulie] Oh, uh...
- Yes. Lindsay's not coming.
Well, it would have been
super weird of us to just go up
to an underage stranger
and ask them to a bar. [laughs]
That's exactly
what you guys did...
- Whoa.
- [Paulie] What is
fucking happening?
[Molly] I'm not sure.
- Is he powering down?
What's going on?
- Yo, Punxsutawney Phil,
- get back up here, please.
- [Paulie] Yeah.
- [Demetrius] Upper Decker!
- [indistinct chatter]
- [Molly clears throat]
- Showing your face in my bar.
[Demetrius laughs]
Everything okay, fellas?
Yeah, it's cool.
Just a little, uh,
crowded in here.
About one freshman asshole
over capacity.
[indistinct chattering]
- [sighs] Do your thing, Mol.
- [Molly] You know,
I'd love to speak with you
in private for a second.
- Huge fan.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Pretty sure you gonna
be alone with me
for more than a second though.
Yeah, yeah,
I don't doubt that. [laughs]
Hey, if he tries to run,
sit on him.
[mouthing]
[chuckles]
[nervous chuckle]
You like IPAs?
Wow. That's just rude.
[indistinct]
- [student belches]
- Awesome.
[indistinct]
Everyone! Hello.
Please listen up.
Uh, Demetrius here
has an announcement.
Alright. So, uh,
everyone, uh,
I would like to speak
on the events
that have occurred and, um...
Man, fuck this. Alright,
the shit that happened last week
wasn't your fault.
[crowd groaning]
Yeah, I think
if I'm hearing this correctly,
Demetrius is going
on the record to say
that his broken ankle
isn't Elliott Steiner's
fault. [stammers]
Am I right about that,
Demetrius?
- Correct.
- [student] Whose fault is it?
Barnett University
and its failure to create
distinctive riding
and walking paths on campus.
And Demetrius here
will be suing the university
for upwards of, um...
Twenty million dollars.
[crowd] Whoa!
Uh, yeah, sure.
Shoot for the moon.
So, uh, we good,
little man.
Hey, yo.
I'm gonna be rich, bitches!
Shots on me.
- Whoo!
- [crowd cheering]
[crowd chanting]
Shot! Shot! Shot!
[chanting continues]

[groaning]
[sighs]
[Paulie]
So I just move that there.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
that's cheating.
No, it's not. Why can't
I go up the slide?
You cannot climb the slide.
That's not how it works.
You climb the ladder
and then you go down the slide.
- That's how-- Okay, my turn.
- But you keep-- Oh, fine.
- Three. Ha-ha.
- Okay.
Three. One, two, three.
Oh, see? Ladder.
- Climb.
- [phone buzzing]
- [buzzing stops]
- [clears throat]
Van Singer, party liaison.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Uh... [chuckles]
I am paying you to help my son
get adjusted to college,
not ruin his goddamn life.
I'm not sure
what you're talking about
because I've been here
for two days.
The Demetrius Moss situation
is fixed.
We are taking him
to a rush event
later today and...
minimized the MMA-themed
wardrobe by at least 35%.
Tell me you're
a freshman in college
without telling me you're
a freshman in college.
I'll go first.
[crowd cheering]
[clears throat] Okay, I can see
- by the looks of this video--
- [phone dings]
[crowd cheering]
I don't even feel it! I don't--
- I don't even feel it!
- Oh, my God!
And that video as well,
it may appear that
I'm not in control here,
but I can assure you--
I should have known
this was gonna be
a fucking shit show.
You know what?
Just forget it.
Forget the whole thing.
Forget your job. You're done.
[sighs heavily]
In one day, I've taken your kid
from wanting to run home
with his tail tucked
between his chinos
to wanting to get
the fucking Badger fight song
tattooed on his forehead
Post Malone style.
What do you think
is gonna happen
if I ghost him now?
Let me get him through rush.
And I promise you,
the freshman tradition
of buying Christmas presents
entirely from
the university bookstore
will be well intact.
[sighs]
Okay, keep him off the Tok.
And if you ruin his chances
of a future Senate race,
I swear to God
I will eat you alive
and bury you
in the goddamn desert.
Thanks so much.
[exhales]
- Everything good?
- Yeah.
- Refill?
- Yes, please.
- I saw you cheat, by the way.
- No, I didn't.
So officially,
we are absolutely not able
to haze you little bitches
in any way shape or form.
But unofficially,
you little douche canoes
better get ready for the suck.
We're gonna have
to suck your, like...
[stammers] What? No.
The suck.
Like from Jarhead.
- [pledge] Uh...
- Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
Why don't you guys just go play
some cornhole or something.
I just don't think
I'm really frat material.
Oh, you're not a fan
of relay races
with marshmallows up your butt?
No, no, not at all.
Uh, well, you know,
there's a whole brotherhood
hoorah thing.
Formals are fun.
And there are certain
other advantages.
Ooh, not ready yet.
Yeah. Two more semesters.
Three, if your parents
are religious.
- What?
- Hm?
Nothing. Nothing. Just that,
enjoy the party. [laughs]
Remind me to check
Grindr later.
Oh, hey!
Oh, hey, Elliot.
Steiner, how you holding up?
Uh...
Wait, you all know each other?
Oh, yeah. We met Elliot
at Stillwaters last night.
[chuckles]
Stillwaters.
- Yeah.
- Wow, how'd you get in there?
- I...
- Oh, he just walked right in
like he owned the place.
They didn't even question him.
Mm. Cool. [chuckles]
- [Molly] Very cool. Very cool.
- [clears throat]
- [Molly] Um, okay.
- Um...
Uh, should we get some refills?
We'll surprise you guys.
- Refills for us. Paulie.
- We'll be back.
- Guys.
- So...
So...
Hey, um, I'm really sorry
about Stu the other day.
I just started dating him.
He's sweet,
but can be a little
intense sometimes.
No, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I should have knocked.
I didn't see anything,
so don't-- don't worry.
You didn't accidentally
sneak a peek?
God, no, no, no,
I wouldn't do that.
I, I-- No, I meant--
I meant they're great.
You're-- you're great.
You're-- you're pretty.
- [exhales]
- [plastic cup clatters]
Good crop this year.
With a few fucking weeds.
What are you doin' here,
perving Peeping Tom next door?
Oh, wait. Babe, be cool.
This is Elliot.
He was just coming by
to apologize
for walking in on us.
Dude, I'm--
I'm so sorry. I--
It was a mistake.
I-I didn't mean...
Dude, don't even fucking
worry about it, bro.
You ain't the first chode
to hallway jerk it to me
and my girl getting it on.
- You won't be the last.
- "Hallway jerk"?
I didn't jerk. I don't--
- Say, you like Jaeger?
- Uh, yeah, I guess.
- Who doesn't? Let's get some.
- Okay.
- I'll introduce you
to the brothers.
- Oh, great.
["Game Set Match"
by Sara Jackson-Holman playing]
[indistinct chatter]
Time to get a drink, man.
Alright. Hey, listen,
this is Elliot.
Alright. Chaz, drinks, go.
Go, go, go.
Looks like the boys
are coming around.
Something's off.
This guy's got a real
"my dad's lawyer
got me probation
for roofing girls"
kind of vibe.
That's a very
specific vibe, Mol.
Mm. It's what I'm getting.
[Molly] Oh, Lindsay. Hey, girl.
Alright, my brothers
and my brothers' ladies,
listen up.
I wanna dedicate this shot
to my boy Elliot here.
Takes a giant set
of boss level balls
to show his face around here
after what he did to Dem.
- Am I right?
- [crowd] Yeah!
- Am I right?!
- [crowd] Yeah!
So, let's give him
a big Mu welcome!
On three.
One... two... three...
[laughter]
[Stu] Jesus!
[Elliot] Uh...
That's a huge dick!
Elliot!
[Stu] What a fucking loser,
dude. Fuck that guy.
- Wow, you are not
very bright, are you?
- Yeah.
You just did that kid
a huge favor.
[Stu scoffs] I think I did
his parents the favor.
Probably saved them
50 grand in tuition money.
You just showed everyone
the massive secret weapon
he's been hiding.
I mean, it wa--
it wasn't that massive.
- I've had a few dicks.
It's big.
- Big.
Yeah, well, too bad he won't
step foot in here again.
- [Molly] Hmm.
- My house, my rules.
Care to make a wager on that,
William Cosby?
Mr. Pudding Pop?
Okay, first off,
my name's Stu, Stuart Gable.
- And second--
- Second, I don't give a fuck.
Are you man enough
to wager or not?
- Hm?
- What's the wager?
Wager. Wager is...
- Booze-catholon.
- Booze-catholon.
Saturday. Our place.
If we win, Elliot gets a bid.
And if I win?
Or, let me rephrase that.
When I win.
I fuck you.
- What the fuck?
- [Molly] Or...
Another option would be...
- How about...
- Oh, there you go.
Keys?
Yes, the whole car, moron.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- The car.
You're on.
You are fucking on!
Yeah! A fucking car,
dude. [grunts]
So much dudebro-ness.
Better get your pussy ready.
- My what?
- [Paulie] Your pussy.
[Molly] See you Saturday, Stu.
[knock on door]
Steiner, open the door.
It's me, Molly.
- [Elliot] Go away.
- Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
[stammers] Look,
we've all been there.
[Elliot] We have? When was
the last time that you had
your wang exposed
to 100 strangers?
Did you just say "wang"?
[Elliot] Oh, my God.
Molly, just go away.
Okay, seriously, Elliot,
- we will figure this out. Hm?
- [RA 1] Excuse me.
It's quiet hours.
So we need you to wrap it up.
Oh. You know what?
It's so great you're here.
Because I'm a dummy and I just--
I locked myself out of my room.
Uh, well, this is
the freshman dorm.
Um, the grad school dorm
is on north campus.
[scoffs] First of all,
that is very hurtful.
- [RA 1] Well...
- Secondly, I just wanna say,
the two of you are doing
one hell of a job.
- [scoffs]
- No, I'm serious.
You're goddamn saints.
Let me tell you,
all these drunk, horny freshmen
running around here
like uncaged animals in heat.
All the-- the vomit
and the foot odor
and the one weird foreign kid
who insists on cooking
his own meals
in the communal kitchen.
- Always gets in my nose.
- How do you handle that?
- How do you do it?
- [RA 2 crying]
- [clipboards thuds]
- [Molly] Whoa.
Hey, are you okay?
- [crying continues]
- It's okay.
They're such assholes.
- I know. I know.
- [sobbing]
- They're monsters.
- I know. I know.
[doors opening]
You're all monsters!
Wow, so much for quiet time.
[RA 2] They never
trained us for this.
Oh, everything's fine.
- Everything's good. Okay.
- [doors closing]
- You're alright.
Pull it together.
- [breathes heavily]
I know it is tough out there,
but right now...
I need your help. I do.
I need to do a welfare check
on Steiner in there.
I met him at a counseling center
a week ago
and he has been sending me
some very alarming text messages
this evening.
- [RA 1] Like what?
- [RA 2] Alarming like...?
- [imitates slashing]
- [RA 2] Oh, oh.
- [RA 1] Okay, okay, okay.
- Blood. Everywhere.
- [RA 1] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, get us in there.
Come on.
Whoa. What the hell!
- [sighs]
- Steiner!
Thank God you're okay.
Oh, I was worried sick. [sighs]
You look great. Perfect.
Alright, you two.
You have no idea
what difference you just made
in this kid's life.
- We matter.
- Okay, now it's time to go.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
[overlapping chatter]
Oh, yeah. Um,
by the way, it's...
- It's still fucking
quiet hours, so...
- Oh, yes.
- Cool.
- Shh.
- Phew.
- Are you just trying
to ruin my life?
Is that it, or...?
No. What?
No, just the opposite.
I'm trying to get you to,
you know, grab life
by the tits and embrace it.
Come on, college is supposed
to be like the greatest time
in your life.
It is not the greatest
time of my life.
Everyone wants it to be.
You, my mom.
But it-- it isn't
and it never will because...
Because you're a virgin?
Look, we can fix that.
- Okay, we--
- No, no, because
it just feels like
that it's not even
my fucking life anymore.
And it's just a reminder
of the absence of my dad.
Like I'm his fucking Avatar .
Hm, well,
that is a great movie.
- Who the fuck says that?!
- Sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
That's not...
I just-- I don't,
I don't even know
what I wanna do with my life,
let alone what
I'm gonna do here.
Like I-I... [sighs]
I just-- I know I just
don't wanna be sad
all the time anymore.
Hmm...
Wow. Yeah.
[both sigh]
Look, I-I have no idea
what it must feel like
to lose your dad.
But I do know
what it's like to have no idea
what you wanna do in your life.
Hey, at least you care,
you know?
You're not all numb to it
and fucked up on antidepressants
in a career that most people
would dream of,
but you're just
so damn unhappy
working every day
with people at their worst
fighting over
who's gonna get to keep
the fucking smart toaster.
Sorry, yeah,
that's just an example
of someone completely random
who is definitely more lost
than you are.
Listen.
Give me one more chance.
And if I can't prove to you
by tomorrow
that the best is yet to come,
then Paulie and I will go.
We will vanish into the night.
Why do you wanna
help me so much?
[exhales]
Just think of me
as your little Jiminy Cricket
on your shoulder
hanging out,
trying to convince you
to be young and have fun.
And to get fucked up.
[both chuckle]
Alright. Gotta get
the party feng shui here.
- Where do you want this?
- Oh, that's a good spot for it.
Just back up a little bit.
No. Go towards Steiner.
Go towards Steiner.
A little bit more.
Nope, nope, nope.
[Paulie and Elliot grunting]
Hey, Mol.
"Jews will not replace us.
- Jews will not replace us."
- Uh-uh. No, absolutely not.
Yep, out of bounds.
I felt that almost immediately.
- [Elliot] Wait.
- [Molly] No, no. No.
Steiner, you come back now.
Yeah, we're just trying
to even that out.
Oh, wait, stop. Yeah,
that's perfect.
- Is it? You sure?
- Yeah, that's good.
Maybe just a little
bit over here.
["Bad Ass Self" (feat. Kennzo)
by Lack Of Afro playing]
Are you guys sure about this?
Oh, absolutely, Steiner.
This vitamin drip
will keep us sober
- well into the later rounds.
- Yeah, it's the same shit
they give to Armstrong
for Tour de France.
- What?
- Relax, I'm joking. Geez.
[chuckles]
[Elliot] Why am I cold?
Oh, yeah,
just let that happen.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let it happen.
["Something So Good"
by Naffy Cous Cous playing]
[indistinct chatter]
This is your party, sir.
Take it all in
because you are
the coolest guy in the room.
- I don't know about that.
- Oh, yeah, you are.
- Come on. Seriously.
- [door opens]
No. Patience,
young Padawan. Patience.
Singer is gonna get her
to come to you.
Who's Singer?
Molly. I call her
"Singer" sometimes
because she loves karaoke.
[laughs] But she can't sing.
Just shut the fuck up
and just pay attention.
Goddamn.
This party is sick.
Yeah, how does a student
afford a place like this?
I heard the Asian dude's
a movie star.
Chaz. Beer.
Fuck off. Now.
You seem tense.
No, I'm good. There's ice
in these pipes, baby.
[groans]
IPAs.
Even their beer thinks
it's better than me.
Well, hello, Miss Lindsay
and a whole bunch of dudes.
How are we doing tonight?
- We were just conversing.
- [Molly] Oh.
How does a student afford
a place like this?
Oh, well, um, you know
how Imelda Marcos
has like a lot of shoes?
Well, Paulie's mom has more.
Who the fuck is Imelda Marcos?
Yeah, I'm just saying
that they're rich.
- Really fucking rich.
- Okay.
Uh, is this your team?
Yep. And I assume it's you,
Kung Flu, and Home Phone
over there?
[frat brothers laugh]
Okay, first off, racist.
Second, it's, uh, Phone Home.
But, um, anyway, our fourth
had to drop out unexpectedly
and I was hoping
Lindsay could step in.
- Lindsay?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- [scoffs]
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
W-wait. Why are you
speaking for me?
Because you're here with me.
What, you just think
I'm just gonna let you run off--
You don't have to let me
do anything. It's my decision.
- I'm in.
- [Molly] Oh, yeah.
Get it, girl.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the first annual
Firehouse Booze-catholon!
[cheering]
Yes.
Presented to you by my man,
the one, the only,
Mr. Upper Decker
with huge lower decker!
He has a huge dick!
It's Elliot Steiner!
Yeah!
[cheering continues]
Now, this will be a test
of will and endurance
- between the forces of Ki Mu...
- [all] Mu!
...and myself, those two--
We-- we don't really
have a team name,
but you know, you get
the, uh, point there.
So if we win,
Elliot gets a bid into Ki Mu,
but if we lose...
Ho-ho-ho.
If we lose, Stuart Gable
gets to drive off
with my baby Beamer--
No!
- [crowd booing]
- [groans] No!
- Big boo! Big boo!
- Mine.
Alright. You are all witnesses
as well as judges.
Let the games begin!
- Whoo!
- [crowd cheering]
[Bob] In what once
would have taken place
on the sands
of the Roman Colosseum,
this is the Booze-Catholon.
Five events that could
only have been conceived
at a liberal arts college
near you.
First up, King's Cup.
[all groaning]
Ladies of the night.
Mmm. [exhales]
Nine. It's a rhyme.
- Stack.
- [Bob] Molly testing...
- Um, Black.
- ...the short-term memory
- of these binge-drinkers
with a rhyme.
- Tack.
[Stu] Jacked.
- Black!
- [Bob] I can smell
the student loans
not being paid back
by this Chaz kid.
How hard is it
to fucking rhyme, Chaz?
[crowd oohing]
[Bob] Johnny pays homage
to the crowd
as does young Steiner.
[groans] Oh!
[Bob] That pitcher
is filling up faster
than these kids' bladders.
And that seals it, folks.
The last king
goes to Greg from Ki Mu.
[crowd chanting]
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug.
[Bob] Greg's showing
the chugging ability
of a toddler enjoying
his sippy cup.
Having a drinking contest
without Beer Pong
is like an orgy
without a pivot person.
Beer Pong consists of-- Ugh.
You know what? No. No.
If you don't know
what Beer Pong is,
you need to focus more
on the fucking rock
that you've been living under.
Let's just see where this goes.

Gable lining up this last shot
with the same blind confidence
that allowed him
to walk out of the door
with that shirt on tonight.
Bang!
And the boys from Ki Mu
draw even with Team Molly.
Congratulations,
you won the McDonald's
of fucking drinking games.
Basic bro.

[crowd cheering continues]
[Bob] Steiner drops
the thumb on the table
and once again Chaz
proved to be as sharp
as a goddamn bowling ball.
The Mu's Johnny fails to remove
the Invisible Man
and will be downing
the remainder of his brew.
Stu Gable drops the last card.
What is this?
[crowd clamoring]
[Molly] I want your shorts
on your head, please.
[Bob] No word
if he's going commando,
though as white
as those shorts are,
I would hope to God not.
The pile is getting thick
and the natives
are getting restless.
[crowd groaning]
Pop off that shirt.
Mm? Excuse me?
Stu, what are you doing?
You won.
No, she made me wear
my shorts as a hat.
Now, I'm the king.
You're the asshole.
Pop off that fucking shirt.
Alright, yeah.
He's right.
And you are the king
after all, so...
Shirt's coming off.
[indistinct]
[Bob] Holy shit,
Peter, look out!
It's a trap.
[indistinct]
Put your shirt back on.
It is a little stuffy.
I think I'll just keep it off.
Put your shirt back on.
I don't know,
I'm feeling good like this.
You know that's not true.
- Tell her.
- [Bob] A victory for Ki Mu
turns into a moral defeat
for Gable...
- Please.
- ...and his cable.
Ki Mu really testing
their lung capacity and IQs
as they try and blow
the perfect smoke ring.
Meanwhile, Paulie, the prince,
gives Ki Mu his resting O face
as he blows
three perfect rings,
and we are tied
going into the final event.
[exhales] Alright.
Fucking hands off.
- [crowd oohing]
- [laughs]
[sarcastic laugh]
[Molly clears throat]
[Molly groans]
Yeah! Attaboy!
You know what?
[clicks tongue]
[crowd groaning]
[Molly] And then there were two.
- [laughs]
- What are you doing?
Letting you handle it.
- Hey. Whoa, Elliot.
- Or maybe one.
Where are you going?
Why did you do that?
We could have had him.
Okay. Whoa, whoa,
we do still have him.
- You have him.
- No, we don't.
I mean, have you
seen that guy?
You're not fighting
in the fucking octagon.
This is a game of skill.
- Yes, he is.
- What?
Elliot, this your octagon.
It's Sarah versus Carter,
UFC 31.
Yeah. Yes. Sierra Mist
versus Aaron Carter, or...
Look, okay, no.
- [sighs]
- This is a defining moment.
Now what's it gonna be?
Hm?
[chuckles]
[Molly] Yeah! Alright!
[guest] Yo, look who's back.
[Bob] It's not over yet, folks,
as it appears that Steiner
is ready to re-engage.
[scoffs] What,
did you grow some balls
out there or something?
Yeah.
I doubt that.
[Bob] Dynamite back and forth
between two wordsmiths.
- Come on. Nice and easy.
- Chaz, do not touch.
[Bob] The steady hand
of the third-year senior
raises up.
- [crowd groaning]
- [Bob] Whammo!
Gable gambles and wins
and Steiner has
a cricket's cock
of a chance of winning this.
Here's the pour.
Holy shit, he did it!
- [guest 1] Hey!
- [guest 2] Nice!
[crowd clamoring]
[sighs heavily]
[Greg] Alright, man.
Breathe. Breathe.
I'm fucking breathing.
[huffs air]
[groaning]
- [crowd cheering]
- [Bob] Skadoosh! It's over!
The Upper Decker
meets redemption.
Stu Gable meets rejection
and there is a fat guy
in the corner puking.
It's like I'm watching Rudy
for the first fucking time.
[Lindsay laughing]
I can't believe you did that.
Oh, my God.
I'm scared.
[gasps] Jump.
[giggles]
- [grunts, exhales]
- Aah! [giggles, gasps]
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I have to ask you
a very important question.
What?
How far are the dorms?
Oh, pfft...
Not even that far.
Yeah, that's like
really fucking far.
Oh, rats. [grunts]
- [both laugh]
- [phone buzzing]
[gasps] Ooh!
[both laughing]
Oh, my God.
Look at his abs.
They look like the bottom
of a carton of eggs.
He's called you,
like, seven times.
You should probably
call him back.
I mean, I don't think
you'd like him
when he's angry.
[laughs] Are you trying to say
that I'm dating the Hulk?
Well, I mean, I don't know
if he has the charm of the Hulk,
- but I mean...
- [laughs]
he's got the abs, so kinda.
No, seriously you should
probably call him back.
I mean, he is your guy.
["What I Came Here For"
by Luca Fogale playing]
Elliot Steiner...
I think that you are my guy.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, wait! You two! Right there.
No, no, no. No whoopee
in the amphitheater
and you know it.
- Get on back to the dorms now.
- [Elliot and Lindsay laughing]
It's not a rabbit hutch.
Sorry, sir!
[indistinct chatter on TV]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry. I didn't know
if I should have left.
I didn't really feel right
about leaving you alone, so...
[Lindsay] I don't mind.
Pretty chivalrous actually.
Come here.
[groans] I really
wanna kiss you right now,
but it feels like a cat
peed in my mouth.
That's so tempting.
I might just risk it.
Oh, you might risk it?
- I think so. Yeah.
- Mm, you do?
- Oh, God. Okay, that was--
that was bad.
- Fucker.
What were you watching?
Just an old show
called The Pit.
Why do you like fighting
so much?
Um...
A couple of years ago,
when my dad got sick,
uh, he just got really,
really depressed. And...
uh, we were watching
TV one night.
Um, we were just surfing
the channels
and I stopped on this show
about this MMA fighter
who was diagnosed
with leukemia.
I think seeing two guys,
one in a similar
situation to his
just beat the living shit
out of each other
really fired him up
to beat his own disease.
And did he?
For another year.
Oh, he sounds like
a really great guy.
Yeah, he was.
You're a pretty
good guy too, you know?
Are you just trying
to butter me up
for another cat pee kiss?
Actually, I was trying
to butter you up
for some coffee.
- Oh, okay. Well, I'll get some.
- No, come here.

[Molly] I can't believe
it's already Homecoming.
It feels like we just got here.
Anyway, after the game,
I was thinking...
Uh, Paulie, what is going on
with all this action?
I've got a test tomorrow
and my memory
is not what it used to be.
So if I just write it
over and over,
maybe I'll remember.
No, no, no. I was talking
more global, like,
what's with all the action?
- All the books and stuff.
- [sighs]
Okay. So a few weeks ago,
I saw this cute TA
walk into the psych building.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I followed him.
- Naturally.
- Right.
Didn't matter 'cause the minute
I walked in, I lost him.
Fricking six-foot-three gazelle.
I don't know how.
But it turns out,
I wandered into one
of the lecture halls.
Saucy.
Sat down,
listened for a minute,
and it was a lecture
on early adolescent psychology.
- Hot.
- Tsk. You can stop.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- Long story short,
I like what I heard,
so I went to another one.
What?
- I know.
- Paulie!
And another one.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. You're like
a... student here.
I think I am.
- [sighs]
- That's great.
I'm really happy for you.
- You are?
- Mm-hmm.
So happy you'll leave me alone
so I can study?
Yeah, I'll leave you alone
- so you can study.
- Yeah. Alright.
- You know what? Steiner.
- Alright.
- Get me a burrito or something?
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.
- You want that brain burrito?
- Yes, please. Yes, please.
- Okay. Good for you.
- Love ya.
- Bye. Love you.
- Hey, Steiner. Ugh. Wait up.
- Hey.
- What you up to?
- I'm just headed to class.
- Oh, my God, it's spreading.
- What?
Ah, no. Not important.
I just, um, you know,
I haven't seen you in a while.
Wanted to make sure
everything's okay.
Yeah, yeah, I just, um,
I've been busy
with the other pledges
and Lindsay, and it's just...
Ah, trading us in
for a younger model.
What? No, no, no, no,
not at all. I, I...
I'm just fucking with you,
Steiner. It's all good.
- [relieved sigh]
- I think it's great.
Lindsay's great.
But, hey,
I'm still gonna see you
at Tequila Sunrise, right?
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Well, then I'll--
I'll just let you
get to class.
Where are you off to?
I, uh, I have a little
homework situation myself.
- Oh, well,
I'll catch you later.
- Okay.
Oh.
[exhales]
[woman] Mm. I know
we're coming down
this weekend with Mom and Dad,
but when I found out
my little baby brother
was in the city...
[laughs] I just knew I had
to get some real food in ya.
[clears throat, smacks lips]
Well, you are really
digging into that.
[laughs]
I guess they don't have
any rib eyes on campus, huh?
I mean, dining hall's
pretty much
a Hometown Buffet, so...
Gross. Oh, anyhoo,
how was the interview?
Ugh, I know Dad is so excited
to have you interning
at the firm this summer.
It was great.
A lot of talent over there,
though. I'll tell you what.
It'll be a good summer
for the Stu man,
if you know what I'm saying.
- Oh, yeah, I get that.
- [slurping]
[sighs]
- Goddammit.
- Ugh. I know.
- The service here is abysmal.
- [glass clinks]
- Excuse me.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Just a bitch
I go to school with.
I'm just not sure I like you
actually using that--
That bitch?
Molly Singer.
No, Molly Sutter.
- Singer.
- No. Sutter.
- Singer.
- No. Sutter.
- Singer!
- Sutter!
That girl sitting at the bar
right now is Molly Singer.
I went to school with her.
She made my life a living hell.
That girl right there
is Molly Sutter.
I go to school with her.
She's friends
with this asshole Asian,
shows up at every single
fucking frat party I have.
- Must think he's--
- Paulie.
Come on. We're leaving.
Something smells rotten here.
And it is not the fish.
Wait a minute.
Can I just finish my steak?
Stuart!
Oh, gotta admit,
you really changed
my opinion of you, Molly.
Really?
Yeah.
We lost so much money
on Pebblebrook,
I had to lay people off.
Jesus.
Yeah, well,
it was just Nelson.
Oh, well,
that I could see.
So, Elliot.
Tell me everything.
Every little detail
gets you closer
to being rehired.
Oh, uh, Elliot.
Well, he's nice as hell.
A little too nice.
We've been working on that.
And he, uh,
overanalyzes everything.
But when he takes
a leap on something,
he really commits.
You know,
and I feel like he's walking
this perfect tightrope
of having the world
chew him up
and spit him out
or single-handedly
changing it
for the better.
That was Carl.
You know, I used
to think naivete
was a-- a flaw.
I saw it in Elliot.
I think that's why I acted like
such as tiger mom on steroids.
I just wanted to protect him
from it all, you know?
Well, take it from someone
who has met and dated
every shithead
this planet has to offer.
He's a really good kid.
And you should be proud.
You both should.
Anyway, um, I was thinking
after Homecoming this weekend,
you could come back and,
you know, start generating
some billable hours.
I've got a really messy divorce
with a 200-page prenup
that's got your name
all over it.
- [breathes heavily] Oh...
- So...
- To Molly Singer.
- Okay.
I hope your second time
around was fun.
And welcome back to reality.
Are you sure
we can trust these guys?
Yes, these are my boys.
- We're gonna fuck shit up.
Right, guys?
- Right.
- Yeah. Yup.
- Yeah.
Does anyone have to make
before we leave?
- No, we're good. Let's go.
- Okay.
- [engine starts]
- [mumbling]
Goddammit, Chaz.
[sighs]
[Paulie] Yo, yo.
- Yo.
- Oh, sweet. Beers.
- Yeah, I got you.
- Perfect.
[groans]
A little, uh,
memory lane action?
What brings these out?
I, uh, went
to the old apartment
in town today.
Ah. Got me feeling
a little nostalgic, I guess.
Well, how very
Homecoming of you.
- Mm.
- [smacks lips]
So as someone
who has done it
all over again,
how's it going?
Mm. I don't know.
Kind of the same.
I guess I just have
a lot of, uh,
you know, questions
and no answers.
You wanna know what I learned
this time around?
Mm. What?
Pride is a double-edged sword.
Right? You're always
on my case about
that foolish pride of mine.
Well, Miss Nostalgia,
let's talk about pride, pride.
Remember that first parade
we went to?
Oh, that weekend.
I think we murdered
a few good brain cells.
Oh, yeah. That's what pride's
all about. Right?
It's about celebrating
your authentic self
and twinks in Speedos
and the rainbow floats
- and dikes on bikes.
- [laughs]
And that's fun to do,
like, one weekend a year,
but then there are those queens
who do it all the time.
It's not about
the celebration anymore.
It's about chasing the high
and they forget what pride
was for in the first place.
And the next thing
you know, you're 52,
you got skin of leather,
you're addicted to meth,
you're sitting at a bus stop
with your jock strap
all hanging out
and you're talking
to some imaginary friend.
I'm sorry, is this story
going somewhere?
Yeah. Just... [chuckles]
Don't be the old queen, Molly.
Just don't lose sight
of the road ahead.
- [inhales deeply] Mm.
- [sighs]
Speaking of which,
what's up with the kid?
What do you mean?
The longer this thing goes on,
the worse it's gonna be
when he finds out.
I was kind of just hoping
I could disappear
and not mention the whole
Brenda hiring me thing.
[sighs]
Should I just give you
the meth dealer's
number now, or...
[sighs]
Hey, I love you, kid.
I do.
- Love you.
- [sighs]
I will see you
in a few hours.
I'm gonna go to bed
with this guy.
Mm. Nice guy.
- Good night.
- [chuckles]
[exhales]

[coach] Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four.
- Go Condors! Go!
- [cheerleaders] Go!
Five.
Win!
Go, five, win!
- Yes!
- [cheering]
Nice! Great work, guys.
Heather, way to stick
that landing.
Sully, I need you sliding in
a little sooner, okay?
Guys, get some rest.
The bus leaves
at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
Awesome job! Great job.
- Jeff, do not be late.
- Bye, guys.
[Sully] Hey, guys,
a little help with the, uh...
Okay. Fuck me, I guess, right?
Goddammit.
Goddammit!
[door opens]
[Sully] Hello?
[door opens, closes]
What the fuck?
What's with the masks, guys?
Oh, fuck.
["Eyes On This"
by Munnycat playing]
[Sully] Whoo! [grunts]
- Whoa!
- [Johnny grunts]
[Sully panting] Oh.
[Stu] Try that shit
on me, bitch.
- [clucks]
- [grunts]
- [clucks]
- [Stu] What the fuck was that?
[Sully] Thought these wings
were just for show, huh? Whoo!
- Oh, shit.
- [Chaz grunts]
[Sully] Ow! Ow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- What the fuck did you do?
- [Sully groans]
[Stu] Grab him!
Get him. Come on!
Just grab him! Get him!
Get him, get him, get him!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- [bangs, thuds]
- Ow!
Fuck. Did we kill him?
[Stu] What do you
mean "we"? You.
Where the fuck did you get
a golf club anyway?
It was in the back of the car.
[sighs] Alright,
you guys grab his legs,
I got his beak. Let's go.
["It's Like Whoa!"
by Lady Bri playing]
[Greg] I got the arm.
- [Stu] Chaz, get a hold of him.
- [Chaz] I got him. I got him.
You better pray
this fucking asshat
wakes up. Come on!
- You guys go first. Let's go.
- [Greg] Alright.
[Trina grunts]
He smells like death. [coughs]
Yeah, well, look
where I'm standing.
Oh, you've got it bad, huh?
- She's pretty amazing, huh?
- [Molly chuckles] Yeah.
Listen, um, I wanted
to tell you something
- for a while.
- What?
Uh, I just wanted
to say thank you.
Meeting you and Paulie
has been...
the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
- It means the world. Thank you.
- Mm.
Yeah, you know, um...
Elliot, I, uh...
I just-- I think you're...
You're a good egg.
One of the best.
Why don't you get out there?
She's waiting on you.
- Alright.
- Yeah, get to dancing.
[sighs]
See you flip out of that,
bird bitch.
[Sully] Look, I don't know
what you want.
If this is for ransom,
my parents aren't rich.
If-- if this is for some
furry fetish thing,
at least give me some drugs
so I don't remember.
- What is this?
- Do your job, Stu--
Elliot. [clears throat]
"Oh, man, I can't believe
we got away with this,
Molly Singer."
"I know it, Elliot Steiner."
[Sully] Why are you using
your full names?
We're Scientologist. Okay.
Like I said, "Elliott Steiner.
This will totally show
those Hill--" [clears throat]
"...Hell-hurst assholes
that you and your Ki Mu brothers
rule campus."
- Go Badgers!
- Go Badgers!
[Sully] Wait, this--
this is a Homecoming prank?
[laughs] What is this? 1969?
I'm gonna sue
the shit out of you,
uh, Elliot Steiner, and, and--
- What-- what's your name?
- Molly Singer. Molly Singer.
- Her name's Molly Singer.
- Molly Singer.
- Molly Singer! Fuck off!
- You have a good day, sir.
[Sully] I'm gonna
fucking kill you!
[groans]
You're both so screwed!
[clucks]
[engine starts]
- [Chaz] Hey, hey, hey, Stu!
- Go, go, go! Go, come on!
[Molly] Guys, I think Paulie
was line dancing when we left.
- [laughter]
- [phone buzzing]
[Lindsay] Hello?
Wait. Where are you?
Okay, uh, no, it-- it's fine.
I'll be right there.
I gotta go. My roommate
got locked out again
and the RAs refused
to let her in because
she keeps losing her key.
- Do you want me to go with you?
- No, it's fine.
I'm gonna crash
for a couple hours anyways,
but we should walk over
to the game together.
Sounds good to me.
- I had a really good time.
- Me too.
- See you, Mol.
- [Molly] Later, Linds.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Steiner, smooth
looks good on you.
What the fuck?
[Sully] Hello?
Uh...
Hello?
[Sully] Get me
the fuck out of here!
Right here,
I'm right here.
What's that smell?
[Sully] It's me, okay, asshole!
I had four Gatorades
and I've been locked
in this suit all night.
- [siren wailing]
- [tires screeching]
Well, I'm just gonna grab
that head, okay?
- Coming in.
- [Sully] Yup. Easy.
- Easy. Easy with--
- [grunts]
- [groans] My ear!
- Sorry!
[Sully coughs]
I'm gonna sue you!
And you too.
Are you fucking insane?
We're not even good at sports!
- My-- my dad's brother.
- Your uncle?
Yes. My uncle.
He's a fucking lawyer.
Hmm.
He's gonna eat your assholes
for breakfast.
- [grunts]
- [groans]
- Okay.
- All up in there.
I think we should, uh,
get you out of here.
- I'm just gonna, uh... Okay.
- [Sully] Analingus.
[Molly] Undo you.
- What the...
What is going on here?
- [door slams]
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Freeze, freeze, freeze!
- Elliot Steiner.
- Me?
- [officer 1] Molly Singer?
- Yes?
That's Molly Singer.
That's the psychopath
that kidnapped me.
Wait, what?
Who's Molly Singer?
Are you ever gonna
talk to me again?
Okay, fair enough.
I deserve that.
[hisses]
You gonna eat that sandwich
they give you?
I didn't get a sandwich.
Oh, you will. You will.
- And when you do...
- Yeah, yeah, it's all yours.
Fuck, yeah!
You're my guy.
You meet the nicest
people in jail.
[mumbling]
Ooh, yeah. Oh, oh...
- [slight chuckle]
- Were you ever gonna tell me
that you're working
for my mom?
Honestly, I...
I don't know. I had no...
No exit strategy.
I just thought I'd--
I'd meet you,
pump a few beers in you and--
Beers? Hey, now we're talking.
- Oh, I-- I'm just gonna...
- You like beer?
I had an IPA the other day
called a Crunchy Rooster.
My entire blueprint
for this whole plan
was like weird science,
for Christ's sake,
but I didn't...
- [sighs]
- But?
But...
I didn't realize
how much I'd like you
and-- and what great friends
we'd be, you know?
Friends? Friends.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
[officer] Steiner, Elliot M.
- Oh.
- That's me.
[officer] You made bail.
Let's go.
Hey, that's great, right?
You know, I thought
we'd be friends too.
Steiner, come on--
Okay, I guess
I didn't make bail.
You can't make bail
till Monday. [laughs]
You're a lawyer.
You should know that.
What about him?
Looks like he had
a better lawyer than you.
[sighs]
Oh, thank God. Finally.
Are you okay?
Hey, Elliot,
where are you going?
Goddammit. This is not
a walk away scenario.
Stop it! I don't have
the shoes to chase you.
What do you want from me?
No. Uh-uh.
You do not get to have
an attitude with me.
I am not the one
that went out and got drunk
at five in the morning
and then went and kidnapped
a goddamn eagle.
It was a condor.
Who the fuck cares
what it was?!
You literally hired
some chick from your office
to infiltrate my school,
pretend to be my best friend
and spy on me.
That is an excellent point.
- Jesus Christ.
- But--
Where are you going?
To my dorm room.
That is until they expel me.
Damn it.
["Pink Pills"
by Floyd Wonder playing]
What do you think?
Too veiny or not veiny enough?
I mean, some people
like a veiny ding-dong.
Alright, Dick-casso.
I'm gonna need you,
like, five feet over there.
["Pink Pills" playing continues]
[officer] Alright, Singer,
you just made bail.
Thank you for bailing me out.
Oh, thank your platinum card.
So now what?
Well, I have to get dressed
for court this morning
to defend myself
in a kidnapping charge
and I need you
to help figure out
who the hell set us up.
Hmm. That's a tough one, Singer.
Whose cornflakes have we been
squatting into all semester?
Fucking Stu.
- There she is.
- Huh.
[revving]
[door opens]
Hi. Hello. Hi.
[clears throat]
- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Yeah, we didn't do anything.
Oh, you think
I don't know that?
Doesn't matter.
You can't prove any of it.
You got my son
in this frigging mess.
Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna just...
[bailiff] All rise.
The Honorable
Raymond Palmer presiding.
Be seated.
Look at this good-looking group.
Alright. What do we have
this morning?
Mr. Elliott Steiner
and Miss Molly Singer,
are you present today?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- Yes, Your Honor.
Good start. Okay.
You two are accused
of kidnapping
one Mr. Sully Moran,
a human being,
and it says here,
the Fighting Condor mascot
from Hillhurst University.
Are you kidding me?
Mike.
- Yes, Judge.
- Yeah. Can we call
the law clerk,
make sure these
are not the type of cases
- we start a Monday with?
- Okay.
Yeah. It really feels like, uh,
mascot kidnapping
is a Tuesday afternoon
sort of case.
- Okay.
- Great.
How do you two plead?
Your Honor, may I make
a brief statement?
For the sake of throwing
all points of law
out the window? No.
- What are you doing?
- Ooh, here she comes.
Your Honor, I realize
this is just a plea hearing,
but I plead with you.
Please listen to me
for a moment.
Though I can categorically deny
any involvement
in the kidnapping
of a stuffed condor,
I implore you,
Mr. Steiner had absolutely
nothing to do with it.
Any punishment should be
directed solely on myself
as I was acting as his guardian,
and any actions taken by him
would have been done
under my direction.
So I moved that all charges
be dropped for Mr. Steiner
and directed to me.
Myself.
I.
Wow, Mike. [exhales]
Ay-ay-ay, Miss Singer,
that was certainly
a gallant gesture on your part.
Thank you, Your Honor.
And absolutely devoid
of literally any semblance
of legal merit.
- [Stu chuckles]
- [judge] So... I'm sorry,
do we have something to add
from the gallery?
Uh, no, I'm sorry, Your Judge,
or, I mean, Your Honor.
I'm sorry.
[judge] Great. That being said,
Mr. Steiner, how do you plead?
Not guilty, Your Honor.
- [clears throat]
- Ms. Singer?
- Not guilty.
- Great.
Mr. Steiner, I see that
you have counsel present.
Um, Miss Singer,
where's your counsel?
I will be representing
myself, Your Honor.
Ms. Steiner, would you be
interested in a two-for-one?
Oh, no, no, I'm not.
Great. Then may I suggest
you take your shoe
and toss it out in the hallway?
And maybe you can clock
another lawyer
that can help you
with your case.
We're gonna take an hour recess
and press on.
[bailiff] All rise.
I know he's not
at the Ki Mu house
because the asshole is here
and he's with Poles.
Yes. I'm telling you,
these two are in it together.
Oh, my God. She's walking
up to me. Right now
would be a really good time
to find something,
Paulie. Gotta go.
Uh, Poles, what the hell
are you doing here?
- I have a case downstairs.
- Oh.
Mm. But I heard
about this and...
- Well, I had to see for myself.
- Yeah.
- And--
- And Stu, how did you two meet?
At a hate group convention
or is he just one
of your hand job pals?
[laughs] Hand job pals.
Oh, I guess you couldn't
even be bothered
to even remember my maiden name.
Even though we were
in the same pledge class.
I'll wait.
Gable?
And when I found out
you were making
my little brother's life
- as miserable
as you made mine...
- Hmm.
I knew I had to stop you.
So I'm gonna be there
when they march you into prison.
How do you like
those hand jobs?
It was worth the carpal tunnel.
[smacks lips]
Oh, come on, Paulie.

Oh, God. Okay.
Think, Paulie.
There's gotta be something.
[groans]
If somebody else died here,
I'm so screwed.
- Relax, no one's dead. Okay?
- Cool.
Some prick kidnapped
the Hillhurst mascot
and is trying to frame Molly
and that Steiner kid
we've been hanging out with.
Ugh. Classic college bully move.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
So I need something,
anything to keep my best friend
out of jail.
Oh, uh... Ugh.
[mumbling] Should I tell him?
Should I...
If, if I show you something,
you promise to keep it
top secret? Shh!
- Maybe.
- Walk this way.
Okay.
Where are you taking me?
I don't have time for this.
I need to find some evidence
that will...
- Trust me. It's worth it.
- ...break the case.
- Okay. But what are
we doing here?
- If I told you...
- I'm waiting.
- I'm waiting too.
- [thuds]
- Oh, come on.
Voila.
What the actual fuck?
What am I looking
at here, Scott?
Okay, okay. Before you think
that I'm a total creepy perv,
it's just a mustache
and some cameras.
So after the pole incident,
I got really paranoid.
So it started off
with one camera
and now we're looking at, uh,
six of these big boys.
You sick Sliver watching
motherfucker!
Please tell me
these things record.
- Fuck, yeah, they do.
- Sweet!
Again, not a perv.
Just paranoid.
- Most of the time. [coughs]
- Okay.
I occasionally come in here
and whack it.
Not often though.
[Molly] Can I sit?
Yeah, go ahead.
Alright.
[exhales]
So, how's Lindsay?
- She's good.
- Good.
You know, no matter how much
I-- I do wanna hate you,
I do realize that I would
have never had the courage
to talk to her again.
Really, the courage
to do anything.
So whether you were paid
or not to do it, thank you.
[chuckles]
Well, I think I should be
the one thanking you
'cause without you,
I never would have realized
that my best years
are yet to come.
Not just in my rearview.
But I'm really sorry
I didn't say anything.
We're gonna go
to fucking jail, aren't we?
[laughs, inhales]
No. No, we are not,
not going to jail.
Got my best guy on it.
[Paulie yelling distantly]
Molly Singer!
I swear to God, I didn't know
that was gonna happen.
Singer! Molly! [panting]
- Paulie?
- [grunts] Got it!
- Hmm. I guess
you got something.
- [panting]
- Yeah.
- Some information
we need or something?
- Are you okay?
- [grunts]
- Not okay.
- [wheezing]
And wheezing a lot.
- Uh...
- [mumbling]
Alright, so what am I
looking at here?
Your Honor, new evidence
has come to light that clears
my client and Miss Singer.
You didn't think
to lead with it?
Well, it just became
available to us
a few minutes ago, Your Honor.
Good.
[Stu on video] "Oh, man,
I can't believe we got away
with this, Molly Singer."
"I know it, Elliot Steiner."
[Sully] Why are you using
your full names?
Is that the jackhole
that was laughing
in my courtroom this morning?
- [Trina] Elliot Steiner...
- Stuart Gable.
He's a fraternity brother
of Mr. Steiner's
and was trying to get him
kicked out of school.
"...that you and your Ki Mu
brothers rule campus."
And-- and who's this
Meryl Streep over here?
- Go Badgers!
- [Molly] Trina Delgado.
She's trying a case
downstairs as we speak.
Uh, she's a lawyer as well?
Yes, Your Honor.
You know, what is going on
with law school?
Are they just letting
anybody in these days?
Is it the new math? Is that it?
Participation law degrees?
You know what?
Just save it,
don't wanna hear it.
Case dismissed. Mike!
Yes, Judge.
I need you to round up
some more idiots.
Okay.
Thank you, sir.
You, sir, have no idea
what you're doing!
I will have all of your jobs,
do you hear me?!
- Do you know who I am?
- Fine. Just call Dad, alright?
- Just call Dad!
- What about this clit, Molly!?
- [crying] Just call Dad...
- Hey, Poles,
how you like them hand jobs?
I hope someone rollerblades
over your vagina, Molly!
- What?
- What?
It's an interesting crowd
you two hang out with.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
Uh... [clears throat]
Not bad.
I guess I'll see you around.
Yeah. See you later, Steiner.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[sighs]
- [exhales]
- Oh. There you are.
Yep, I'm here. Oh, God.
Uh, didn't you just drive here?
I could have in hindsight.
I, I could have.
I... [stammers]
- So you ran.
- You're right. I...
I didn't have to.
But I did.
- Let's get you some water.
- Okay.
[sighs]
["I Am Woman"
by Emmy Meli playing]
[Molly] I know a lot of people
think if they had the chance
to do it all over again,
they would.
Well, I'm here to tell you,
when it comes to your life,
it's all about
living your present.
Constantly looking back
will just give you a neck ache.
Elliot certainly got
what he wanted.
President of his pledge class
and completely reshaped Ki Mu
from the ground up.
Paulie finished first
in his ed psych class,
graduated with honors,
won back his family's respect.
And now he's shooting
for his master's degree
in education.
Trust fund!
[Molly] You know,
for the kids and shit.
And me...
I finally realized
what I liked doing.
Helping those shy caterpillars
become full motherfucking
butterflies.
Everybody says that college
is the best four to seven,
maybe nine years of your life.
I used to be a firm believer
in that axiom
until a really good friend
showed me
life does get better
as we get older.
It just takes longer
for some of us to realize.
[upbeat music playing]
Uh, Amy, here's the thing.
We've been traveling
the past few years
dedicating our lives
to helping children in need.
[stammers, laughs]
I'm sorry.
You know, I'm sorry. The--
So, sorry-- [grunts]
- Really sorry about that.
- [grunts]
[laughter]
This is the same shit
they give to Armstrong
- for the Tour de France.
- What?
- Relax. I'm just joking.
- [chuckles]
Fuck, what did you
want me to say?
- [laughter]
- [Molly] If we win,
Elliot gets a bid
into Ki Mu, but if we...
[exhales] Hold on.
Let me try again.
[clears throat, stammering]
[Brenda] Oh, you got it
on the other side.
- [laughs]
- [Brenda] Good.
[vocalizing] Dwayne
"The Rock" Johnson.
Oh. Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete.
Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete.
Mayor Pete...
[laughter]
Hey, I don't know
if you-- oh!
- Get the fuck out of here, bro!
- [Elliot] Aah! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- [Stu] Shit.
- So like this? Like...
- Mm.
- Yeah, yeah,
you're totally getting it.
Or was it cross-country like...
Mrs. Zimmerman, I know
I'm late on last month's rent,
but I did finally get
to your groceries. [gasps]
- Ah! Oh, my God. Whoa.
- Oh, Molly. What a treat.
You do love buffets.
Yeah, we are going downtown.
Oh, oh!
- Goddammit.
- [iPhone thuds]
Scott, I'm gonna need you
to give me the--
the footage. Okay?
I'm gonna need you
to remove your pants,
in which case footage is yours.
That is no. Give me
the fucking footage
and get me out of fucking
Freddy's Nightmares.
[Sully] Fuck you,
Elliot Steinberg!
- [Stu] Steiner.
- [Sully] Steinerstein.
- [Stu] Steiner.
- [Sully] Steinman.
[laughter]
[Molly] What--
what are you doing?
Trying not to blow our cover.
What? Most of these kids--
Oh, fuck.
Fucked it. Fucked it up.
[crew] Okay, go back to one...
[Molly] I want your undies
on your head, please.
[crowd laughing]
[sighs]
- I'm mic-ed up though.
- [Molly] Stu!
[laughter]
Okay. [clears throat]
[laughs]
Alright. Um...
And now... [laughs]
Yeah, okay.
I'm crying. Okay. Okay.
Maybe I'll just back it up
a second.
Okay. No, no.
No, no, I can do it.
I can do it. Um...
[crew] It's Michael, take two.
It's Michael, take two.
You like beer? I had
an IPA the other day
called, uh, Gnarly Beaver.
I had an IPA the other day
called Swollen Frog.
Beers, huh? I had you
pegged for more
of a skinny Margarita girl.
Oh, yeah, I do love those.
You know what? I take it back.
Not gonna fuck you. Swipe left.
[smacks lips] Fuck you.
[upbeat music playing]