The Real Blonde (1997) Movie Script
Come on, buddy, be careful.
Watch out for that glass.
Mmm.
What the hell
is wrong with people?
Huh, buddy?
Doesn't it seem like everybody's
getting stupider and stupider?
Why did they have to be
breaking somebody's window?
Huh, buddy?
Are you listening to me?
I know what you're
thinking about.
You just want to eat.
Let's go now
'cause I gotta get to work.
You hold onto that ball.
What do you think you're
going to have for breakfast
this morning, huh?
Bacon and eggs?
You wish.
What are you?
A cat?
Or a rabbit?
Kitty cat.
No. You're a rabbit.
A fuzzy-headed little rabbit.
You've got a hard-on.
No, I don't.
You do, too.
Mary, don't you think
I'd know it
if I had a hard-on?
Then what's this?
That's the carrot I keep
to feed the little rabbit with.
Come on, Joe, stop.
I don't have time.
We'll do it tonight, OK?
OK, if that's what you want,
I'll stop.
Oh, all right.
Quick, get a rubber, carrot boy.
Let's just do it without.
No. Come on,
I don't want to get pregnant.
No!
All right, all right, calm down.
I'll get it. Just a second.
Help!
Help!
Somebody help me, please!
Help!
Help!
That man stole my dog!
Joe, call the police.
What's the matter?
Oh, my god!
Someone just stole
this woman's dog.
Call the police.
Help!
Shit.
Oh, god, I see him.
I see you, you prick!
We're calling the police, ma'am.
He stole my dog!
Buddy!
Buddy!
Hey.
Hey, where are you going?
Sorry, babe.
Gotta split.
Well, don't you want
some breakfast?
No, no time for that.
What's with this lock?
You turn it to the left.
To the left.
Am I gonna see you again?
Oh, sure, of course, babe.
I'll give you a call sometime.
Take it easy, eh?
Do you like rollerblading?
Shit.
Joe.
Is this blouse too revealing?
Look at this.
Here's Joe Schmo,
talented new actor,
and here's miss Quim,
talented new actress.
Joe.
He's standing on the street
in an overcoat,
and she's lying on the floor
in her underwear
with her boobs hanging out.
So?
What do you mean, "so"?
Here it is,
25 years after women's
liberation,
and women are still
being reduced
to selling themselves
as sex objects.
Maybe she doesn't feel reduced.
Maybe she feels proud
of her sexuality.
Well, maybe he's proud
of his sexuality.
Why isn't he crawling
across the floor
with his balls hanging out?
And what do boobs
have to do with acting?
Nothing.
I'm gonna write
a book about this.
You're not working today?
Yes, I'm working.
I'm working a lunch,
and then I have that audition
with the casting
director at 3:00.
Right. Oh, good luck, hon.
Thank you.
Listen, I still need
a check for the rent.
What? Again?
Yeah, it kind of works that way.
You know, once a month.
Remember, we have dinner
with Raina and Alex tonight,
and I think they're
bringing the baby.
All right. I'll meet you
after the audition.
Good luck, honey.
Bye.
There you are, Mr. Bob.
Clean and pressed.
Very nice.
Yeah. It's a piece
of shit, Chang.
Oh, no.
It's a very nice tuxedo.
It's a piece of shit.
And I'll tell you something.
The next time I come in here,
I'll give it to you.
Oh, no.
Mr. Bob, keep your tuxedo.
No, it's yours.
Little souvenir from me to you.
You know what that
means, "souvenir"?
Yes.
I think it means
you are full of shit.
Keep going to night school.
Looking good today, sugar tits.
Hello, miss Taylor.
It's Dee Dee, isn't it?
It's really great to meet you.
Thank you for seeing me.
But how could you miss me?
I'm standing
right in front of you.
What I'm gonna do for you
today, miss Taylor,
is one of hap's speeches
from Arthur Miller's
death of a salesman.
You know, biff
Sometimes I want to just
rip my clothes off
in the middle of that store
and outbox that goddamn
merchandise manager.
I mean, I can outbox,
outrun, and outlift
anybody in that store,
and I have to take orders
from those common,
petty sons of bitches
till I can't stand it anymore.
You see
Everybody around me is so false.
I'm constantly
lowering my ideals.
Hello, miss Taylor.
It's Dee Dee, isn't it?
Where are the biker boys?
All right, biker boys,
show me those abs.
OK, flex, flex, flex, flex.
That's what we want.
Beautiful, tight, chunky abs.
Yes. All right.
Oil the abs.
I want a boa constrictor
or a python.
Morning, ladies.
10 minutes.
Morning.
Let's go!
I don't know, Mary.
I'm sort of giving up
on the whole human race.
Why, honey?
What's the matter?
Everybody is so superficial.
I am sick of it.
I am sick of all this
superficial bullshit.
I'm a very spiritual person.
Are you really?
Oh, very spiritual.
Have you seen
the little mermaid?
The cartoon?
Oh, it's not just
a cartoon, Mary.
If you look
just a little closer,
you will find
a spiritual message
in every single one
of Walt Disney's films.
Could we please change
this fucking music?!
Oh, sure, baby.
What do you want to hear?
Hole?
Snoopy dog dog?
Anything, OK?
Christ. Douche would be
better than this shit.
Is douche good?
I'm not gonna be able to work
with this depressing shit on.
It's 10:00,
and I'm already depressed.
I look depressed, don't I?
No, no.
You look beautiful.
Hey, little baby.
Come here, sweetheart.
Hey, what the hell's
the matter with you?
What?
Don't "what?" Me. You know
what I'm talking about.
What if that was
your granddaughter, huh?
You old fucking scumbag.
Just leave me alone.
Jesus.
Excuse me.
Do I know you?
No, I don't think so.
The way you smiled at me,
I feel like I've known you
my whole life.
That's so sweet.
Are you in a relationship?
Yes, I am.
You don't sound
very happy about it.
Well, I love my girlfriend
very much.
It's just that I don't think
that she understands me
in a real emotional
or sexual way.
Yeah.
I sense that in you.
You know, this is going
to sound really crazy,
but I feel like I've known you
my whole life, too.
Really?
Yeah.
And I'd like to give you
a blow job right now.
Right now?
Do you mind?
You didn't go in?
No, I didn't go in.
I'm in a relationship.
I can't go sniffing
every bird that flies by.
She was a real blonde?
Kind of hard to tell
from the street, Bob.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I met this model last night.
I thought she was blond,
till we got back to her place,
turned out she was fake.
Straight out of a bottle.
It's too bad.
She was sweet, too.
What? You're not
gonna see her again
just because she dyes her hair?
Let's go.
All right, lads,
look sharp, come on.
All right, gentlemen,
front and center.
Everyone pay attention.
You will divide
into eight 2-man squads.
The first man in
pours the red wine.
The second man in
serves the finger food,
and it is called finger food
precisely because it is to be
eaten with the fingers.
No utensils.
Any questions?
Ernst, I have a question.
Are you wearing a girdle?
Because your ass looks
incredible in those pants.
No, I am not wearing a girdle,
but you can be assured
that if I catch any of you
faggots looking at my ass,
I'll fire the whole
fucking lot of you.
Hey, Ernst.
We're not all gay here,
you know?
That, my dear straight
friend, is your problem.
To your stations.
That, my friend,
is your problem.
What is your name?
Joe, Joe Finnegan.
Who hired you?
Did I hire you?
Yes, you did. I was
recommended by Bob.
Don't ever let the neck
of a bottle
touch the rim of the glass.
And smile, for god's sake.
You look like you're
at a fucking funeral.
It's an extreme pleasure
to have you here with us.
Oh, my balls are killing me.
Why?
That model
I was with last night.
She was like an animal.
19. One of those
tight little asses
you just want to take
a bite right out of.
Jesus.
Where did you meet her?
This bar,
TNA.
I'll take you down there.
All the chicks there
are these gorgeous
high-class models,
even the waitresses.
If they're such
high-class models,
what are they doing waitressing?
Hey, you're doing it.
So are you.
Not for much longer, pal.
Guess who just got
a part on a soap.
Get out of here.
Passion crest.
Recurring character.
Dirk Drake.
I wouldn't do a soap.
It's not even acting.
$3,600 a week?
Act that,
you sorry, broke-ass
fucking waiter.
Feel the jeans there, come on.
Feel those jeans, yeah.
Feel it, come on.
Go for it. You know
where it is. Let's go.
You're not with me, Sahara.
Come on, Sahara.
Kill the fan.
Sahara.
You know that I love you?
Yes.
And you know
that you're my favorite?
Oh, yes.
That's why I want you
to go deeper for me.
I want the pure essence
of your sexuality.
I thought that's
what I was doing.
You are,
but this woman, she's fearless.
Just like you.
She's bold.
She can do something
a little kinky,
maybe a little dirty sexually,
and be absolutely fine with it.
Understand?
I think so.
Good, good.
Maybe you should just shoot her
getting fucked by a poodle.
What?
Why a poodle?
I've always wanted
a Jack Russell.
You ever feel
like fooling around?
Sure. Sometimes
I get the urge, you know,
just like everyone else.
Basically I'd say that Mary
and I are pretty happy.
That's good.
Yeah, you know,
the sex is good.
It could be a little better.
Sometimes I wish Mary
was a little bit more
What?
I wish sometimes
that she'd just
Go a little bit wild
like you said that model did.
Go crazy on me.
See, I need that, Bob.
Come on, man.
Look on the bright side.
You got stability, right?
Some people need that.
All right, I'm heading this way.
Hey, when do you start the soap?
Tomorrow morning, my friend.
I guess I won't be seeing you.
No, hey, come on.
We'll get together.
I'll give you a call sometime.
Dirk Drake, huh?
Passion crest!
$3,600 a week!
And what is wrong
with people, you know?
Every day
it seems like everybody
is just getting stupider
and stupider.
You seem rather agitated
today, Mary.
I am agitated, I am.
You know, every morning
I pass this guy on the street,
and he always makes some
disgusting comment to me.
Why don't you take
a different route?
Because I don't want
to take a different route.
Why should I let that scumbag
dictate how I live my life?
What I feel like doing
is taking him by the hair
and smashing his face
right into the sidewalk.
Perhaps we could find
a more productive outlet
for your anger.
Another female patient of mine
is taking a self-defense class
that is quite unique.
I don't need self-defense.
Hear me out, Mary.
OK.
The instructor
has apparently devised
a series of exercises
designed to help women cope
with the more
ordinary rudenesses
they encounter
on a day-to-day basis.
I'm going to get
his telephone number for you,
and you call him
when you feel like it.
A physical activity like this
might alleviate
some of that hostility
you have for men.
Am I hostile towards men?
We'll talk about that next week.
Oh, OK.
And might I add that
blouse you are wearing
is especially becoming.
Thank you, Dr. Leuter.
You know, biff
Sometimes I want to just
rip my clothes off
in the middle
of that store and outbox
that goddamn
sales merchandise manager.
I mean
Aah!
I'm sorry.
I forgot my line.
Oh, that's all right.
Really, really it is.
Joe.
We have a little problem
with your credits here.
There's no TV,
no commercials, no soaps.
I'm not that interested
in doing soap operas.
Really?
Why is that?
It's not even acting, is it?
I mean, not the kind of acting
that I want to do.
It's fake, it's stupid.
Well, it's clear that you and I
have absolutely nothing
to talk about.
Good-bye.
Excuse me, miss Taylor,
what did I say?
Oh, Christ.
What every other no-name,
no-credit actor says
when he comes through that door.
I mean, who the hell
do you think you are?
Tom Cruise?
Well, you're not,
and believe me,
you're stupid if you think
that I would hire any actor
who wasn't damn willing to work.
You misunderstood. I'm
This is a business.
If you don't understand that,
then you don't belong in it.
Go away.
You're right, miss Taylor,
this is a business.
I understand that.
I'm beginning
to understand that.
I didn't mean that I wouldn't
work on a soap.
If there was something
that you thought I could do,
of course I would do it.
Really, I would love
to work on a soap.
How old are you?
No credits.
No agent.
All right, let's get real, Joe.
Have you got a bathing suit?
I could get one.
Good.
There's a Madonna video
coming up.
Kind of a beach theme.
You might be right for it.
Unless, of course,
you don't do music videos.
Of course I do.
That would be great,
miss Taylor
Or is it Dee Dee?
Thanks, Joe.
I'll be in touch.
Hey, guys,
come on back and see Chavonne,
New York's hottest blonde.
She's a college girl
majoring in sexy, sexy, sexy.
That's right,
you there in the overcoat,
this college chick,
is she a real blonde?
Oh, yeah. Beautiful.
Sexy, sexy chick, man.
Like Madonna, but blond.
Very blond.
All right.
I'll take a buck's worth.
Here he comes.
He knows the real thing.
How about you other guys, huh?
Don't you want to see Chavonne?
New York's hottest blonde.
Ohh.
Thank you.
I love this little puppy.
I love her, I love her,
we love her, too,
don't we, Cassiopeia?
Hey, there, little Cassie.
Oh, we don't call her
Cassie, Joe.
We have a strict rule.
Her whole name
or no name at all.
I'm sorry.
That's a good rule.
It's so great to see you guys.
It's been too long.
We've been absolutely crazed
since Alex's show.
Absolutely crazed.
I'm in 3 galleries now.
The paintings
are selling so fast,
I don't even have time
to stretch a canvas.
If you need a job, Joe,
I could put you
to work tomorrow.
Oh, thanks.
I got a job.
I don't think we've seen
you since Il Piano.
Oh, my god, I loved that movie.
Wasn't that a great movie?
A great, great flick.
One of the best, really.
That movie was a piece of shit.
Are you kidding?
No, I'm not kidding.
Come on, it was nothing
but a glorified romance novel.
Spirited sensuous young woman
leaves her uptight husband
for the man of her dreams:
A masculine but sensitive native
with earrings and tattoos.
I'm sorry, Joe,
but I think
you completely missed
what this film was about.
Oh. What
was it about?
Well, it was about
a lot of things.
It was about courage, freedom.
It was about unrestricted,
unconditional primal love.
Yeah, you're way off
on this, man.
I'm just curious.
Has anyone seen
the little mermaid?
Besides, it was only on every
top 10 list in the country.
So, what?
What are those two gonna do
for the rest of their lives?
Stand around
and stare at each other
all loving and unconditional?
Do you think that
they'll ever have
a real argument
the way that real people do?
Do you think that she
would ever say to him,
"hey, Kimba,
you know I really love
"your masculine sensitivity,
but do you think that just once
you could remember
to lift the toilet seat
before you take a piss?
I completely agree with you.
My boyfriend loved that move
so much, I broke up with him.
Which movie?
Il piano.
Yeah. What the hell
was that movie all about?
I liked it.
You liked Harvey Keitel's ass.
No, that's utterly untrue.
But what else was there
to like about it?
What are they talking about?
Il piano.
Great photography.
That little girl bugged me.
If I had a daughter like that,
I'd kick her fucking ass.
You ask me something.
You don't wait for me to answer.
As it should be.
Who the hell wants
to see a man nude?
I thought it was incredible.
I cried through most of it.
You did cry,
and I was proud of you.
You went on and on
and on about it.
It was a little embarrassing.
I just didn't feel like
listening to him blab
about his paintings all night.
Did you hear that little
dig about a job?
What dig?
That I could come work for him
stretching canvases.
What do I look like,
a fucking handyman?
Joe, why are you so angry?
Did your audition go badly?
Is that it?
No. Actually,
it went great.
I really nailed the monologue.
And afterward,
she looked at my resume
and said, "you don't have
any soaps on here,"
and I said, "I know I don't.
You want to know why?
Because I don't
consider that acting."
You said that?
Yup, and you know what?
She may have something
for me already.
What?
A Madonna video.
Joe, that's fantastic.
I mean, that could lead
to something,
and it's money, right?
That's right, Mary.
That's what I'm learning.
It's a business.
It's all a business.
Guess what. I might take
a self-defense class.
Why?
Well, Dr. Leuter said
it might help me
deal with my hostility.
Your what?
Uh, the assholes on the street.
Oh, well, that's great.
So that's what you guys
talk about in there?
That and other things.
Why?
Just curious.
Bob got a job on a soap.
He's not doing
the catering anymore.
He told me he met
this blond model.
They went back to her place
and had kinky sex all night.
Is that what you'd like?
Kinky sex with a blond model?
She wouldn't necessarily
have to be a model.
What? I'm not
kinky enough for you?
I never said that.
You implied it.
I did not.
I was simply telling you
about what happened to Bob.
Of course, you're kinky.
You're very kinky, OK?
Just that we both know
that sometimes I have to
What?
Well, you know.
No.
Initiate things.
You do not.
What about this morning?
Well, actually, if you recall,
I suggested that we make love,
and your first response
was "no."
I thought we had a
pretty healthy sex life,
and now you're telling
me you're bored with me.
Can we just hold on a second?
The only thing
that I'm suggesting
is that perhaps we could be
a little bit more spontaneous.
How?
Well, for one thing, by not
having to wear a rubber
all the time.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I don't want to get pregnant.
It just seems
a little bit odd to me
that for somebody who's
so against getting pregnant,
you seem to be infatuated
with babies.
Christ, you were all over
that little tapioca.
Cassiopeia, and so what?
I like babies.
I just don't want
to have one of my own.
That's great.
Why? Do you you want
to have a baby?
No.
I'm not gonna have a kid
until we can afford it.
What does money
have to do with it?
You don't have any.
Other people have kids.
How do they do it?
Either they hire somebody,
or one of them stays home
and takes care of the baby.
Are you gonna do it?
If you think I'm gonna
give up my career,
you're crazy.
What are we talking
about this for?
You brought it up.
No, I didn't.
I was talking about something
completely different.
Well, what were you
talking about?
Let's just drop it, OK?
And now you're all pissed off.
What makes you say that?
Do you know that I never
thought I'd see you again?
I told you I'd call you,
didn't I?
Yes, but I thought
maybe you didn't like me.
Hey, what's not to like?
Do you like my eyes?
Mm-hmm.
Do you like my body?
Oh, yeah.
Do you like my hair?
Do you?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Come on, what's the matter?
Excuse me.
Bob, come on, wait.
What's wrong?
God damn it, I said
nothing was wrong.
There's a message.
Did you hear this?
No.
It's probably for you.
Hi. This is Madonna.
It's Wednesday about 2:55.
Sorry for calling so late.
I'm trying to reach
Joe Finnegan.
Joe, can you please
call me immediately
at 555
Jesus fucking Christ.
Do you really think it's her?
Of course it's her.
Who else would it be?
She's probably calling
about the video.
555-0270.
You know, Joe, Madonna is
an international superstar.
I mean, I seriously doubt
she's gonna call you at home.
At the very least, she'd have
her assistant call, right?
Mary, I've heard she
gets personally involved
in all of her projects.
She probably saw my picture
on the wall and said, "hey!
Maybe I'll feature
Joe Finnegan in my video."
All right. All right,
well, call her.
Well, it's only 9:00.
She's probably still sleeping.
Oh. OK.
I'm going, then.
Hey, call me if you reach her.
Oh, I will.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, baby, come sit on my face.
Oh, grow up, you stupid asshole.
Get angry, baby, I like it!
It makes my dick hard!
See? Heh heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh heh.
Aah!
Why do you say that shit, huh?
Why?!
God, stop! Stop, please!
No, I'm not gonna fucking stop
until you tell me
why you say it?
Do you think you're gonna
meet women this way?
You think some woman is
gonna turn around and say,
"hey, there's a fucking guy
I'd like to go out with"?
No! No, I'm just a coward.
A miserable, fucking coward.
Uhh!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Oh, shit!
Heh heh heh heh.
Dirk, I'm so happy, I could cry.
Don't even think of it, Deanna.
I wish I could tell mother
about the wedding.
We will
As soon as she's
out of the coma.
But, dirk,
that could take forever.
Until then.
Cut!
What's next, cis?
Page 35, living room.
Garth finds out Sandy
is his sister.
20 minutes to set up.
OK. Let's hear it for Bob!
Whoo!
Enter.
Hey, Bob.
Whoa.
Great fucking abs, man.
Thanks, Roy.
We should work out
together sometime.
Yeah, we should.
Hey, did you see the ratings
are up 3 points?
Saw that.
Yeah, yeah.
Keep that up, homes. Yeah.
Hey, did you sign
those contracts yet?
Any day, Roy.
Fucking Valentino, man.
"Bring me no more reports.
"Let them fly all,
"till Birnam wood
remove to Dunsinane.
What's the boy, Malcolm?"
You decent?
Yes.
Too bad.
Ah, Deanna,
I see your innocence
is merely a part you play.
Ha. You're
a good actor, Bob.
Thanks. Thank you.
And so are you.
I know I am.
You know, we could have done
a lot more with that scene.
Which scene?
The kiss.
Ohh. Are you kidding?
That little tickle thing
you did with your tongue,
I swear, if I didn't have on
3 pairs of underwear,
I might have knocked over
a light stand.
Ha. Shut up.
Oh, damn, Kelly,
you're a nice girl.
Too bad you're not
a real blonde.
What are you talking about?
Don't even try
to bullshit me, Kelly.
I know a real blonde
when I see one.
Well, then you
must be fuckin' blind.
Wait a second.
You telling me that
you are a real blonde?
Head to toe.
Want to see my driver's license?
No.
I don't want to see
your driver's license.
Satisfied?
Ha ha.
Close the door.
What you want
You ain't gonna get it
Sahara, where were you?
I just called you.
Oh, hey. Mary
Oh, my god.
What happened to you?
Yesterday, I went rollerblading
with this guy I just met,
and somehow I got
too close to him
and his elbow hit me in the eye.
I know it was my fault.
I feel really stupid.
Oh, Jesus!
But can you cover it, please?
You cannot believe
what I am going through
with those fricking snakes!
Oh, my god!
Blair, I am so sorry.
It was an accident.
Is it real?
Yeah, it's real.
Yes.
Mary, you have to get rid of it.
It's not the bruise.
I can cover the bruise.
The problem is the swelling,
I mean
No. I've got to
shoot today.
I booked those snakes
a month in advance.
Well, you're just
gonna have to shoot her
with a black eye, then.
Oh, are you crazy?
Darker, darker.
Bruise is truth.
We must never hide it.
Yes. Bring in the serpents.
Yes.
Now wrap them around their legs.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, that's it.
Everybody clear.
Everybody clear.
Let's shoot. Let's shoot.
Roses! Right now!
More!
Yes! Oh! Yes!
Powerful, powerful.
No blame, Sahara.
No blame, Kiki.
Yes.
To the side.
Hold it right there.
Yeah, OK, all right.
I'll take that call
in my office.
Where is ah, yeah.
Oh, Jim. Hi.
No. Joe Finnegan.
Joe! I'm sorry.
I'm Joe, of course.
Missy, get a shot of his back.
Would you turn around?
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Now, Joe, could you, uh
Give me some something sexy?
A look.
Sexy?
Yeah, yeah, sexy.
You know, sexy.
You know, be confident.
Oh, OK.
That's good. Thanks.
Excuse me, Dee Dee,
did Madonna
speak to you about me?
About you? No. Why?
Well, it's a funny thing,
but I got a phone call
left on my answering machine,
and I keep calling,
but there's never an answer
at the number she left.
Well, what do you suppose
it was about?
I assumed that it had
something to do with this video.
Maybe she wanted to give me
a special cameo or something.
Ha. Joe, there are no
special cameos in the video.
We'll try and get you
in the front row, huh?
And so, you've got the address,
you've got the, uh,
bathing suit.
Be prepared to spend all day.
OK, great. I'm excited.
Dee Dee?
There any soaps coming up
I could audition for?
Not right now.
Any plays or films?
Not at the moment.
Joe Joe
Do you think
you could play a rapist?
Yeah, I think so.
How about a serial killer?
Yeah. Yeah,
I think I can do that.
I think you could, too.
You're young, you're hip,
you're sexy.
I think you'd be perfect for it.
Yeah!
I'm gonna keep my eye out
for that kind of role,
and as soon as I find something,
I'll let you know.
Great! Thanks, Dee Dee!
Pick it up.
Pick that up now.
Go, go.
Jesus.
It's a little town near buffalo.
I've never been to buffalo.
Yeah.
I'd rather go to
Tahiti or Montserrat.
Montserrat's fine,
but you got to fly there.
You can take the bus up to it.
Joe!
Alex, look. It's Joe.
You're right.
It is Joe.
Hey there, buddy.
What are you guys doing here?
I'm on the board
because the met bought
6 of my paintings.
Oh. You're getting them
stretched all right, huh?
This is so funny, Joe.
You're working.
Yeah. I got to
pay the bills.
Great tuxedo, man.
Thanks. It's secondhand.
Hey, you know what? I'm doing
a Madonna video tomorrow.
I love Madonna.
You know, we know her.
Yeah, she called me.
She wants me to do
a special featured cameo
or something.
That is just like her.
Tell her I said hi.
I will.
And tell Mary we should
get together real soon.
OK.
Excuse me, sir.
Is there anything else
I can get you?
Perhaps some more whipped cream?
No, thank you, captain.
Got to keep ship-shape
for all these fillies
around here.
You know what I mean?
Aye, aye, captain.
What are you doing?
He asked me about
the strawberries,
how they got so big.
Never, ever
touch a guest. Never!
I'm sorry, Ernst.
Nobody told me.
OK, OK, OK. Just go,
go, go, go, go, go.
God damn, you fucking whores.
Let's begin today by
reviewing a few facts.
Men are physically stronger
than women.
This is not a criticism
of your gender, ladies.
It is a fact.
Fact you as women
are vulnerable.
Vulnerable, but not helpless.
This class will provide
each and every one of you
with a simple and effective
means of self-defense
in the event
of a physical assault.
Fact there are other
types of assault.
Verbal harassment
on the streets,
blatant groping and fondling
in public places
All the behavioral ticks
that make men
So irresistible.
Now, my research has shown
that these assaults
could be equally damaging
if the rage and the frustration
that they arouse
are not released.
And to that end,
I have developed a series
of patented exercises
designed to increase your rrq.
Class.
Rage release quotient!
Good.
Uh, Sheila, why don't you
come up to the front
of the class, please?
Thank you.
Now
Remember, you can respond
however you feel, OK?
If you wish to scream,
scream away.
If you feel like striking me,
go ahead and do so.
Understand?
I think so.
All right. Let's begin.
Looking good, sweet meat.
Sweet meat.
Did you hear what I said?
Yes.
Do you like being
called sweet meat?
No.
Does it make you angry?
Yes.
How angry?
Very angry.
OK.
How do you feel?
Better.
Good.
OK, Mary?
Come to the front, please.
OK. Let's begin.
Man, you got some sweet
little ass on you, cupcake.
Shut the fuck up!
I'd take a nice little bite
out of that sweet little ass,
cupcake.
You OK?
Yeah.
That was great.
It was.
He brought me up to the class,
and he was telling me, you know,
"just go ahead and do whatever
you feel like doing."
I mean, it was just incredible.
I started punching
and swinging at him.
I mean, I never knew
it would feel this good
to hit somebody, you know?
That's great.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I did, I did.
And this teacher
is so fantastic.
He said I have
a really high rrq.
Rrq?
Rage release quotient!
He said I have the highest
in the class. Ha ha.
Brrrr!
99.3!
Maybe I should take that class.
You know, Alex and Raina
were at that dinner tonight.
He made a comment
about my tuxedo,
and I wanted to kill him.
I felt like such an idiot
standing there,
having them seeing me
working as a waiter.
Come on, Joe.
It's what you do.
It's not what I do.
OK.
It's not what you do,
but it's how you pay the rent.
Huh? And there's
nothing wrong with it.
I mean, everybody has to work.
Well, I'm sick of this shit.
I feel like my life's
going nowhere.
Joe, your life
is going somewhere.
I mean, you did this great
audition for Dee Dee Taylor,
and she immediately
got you a job with pay.
Did you ever get
through to Madonna?
No. No, I've been
calling all day.
It's the story of my life
Nobody's home.
Come on, Joe.
You just got to stick
with it, you know?
I mean, you're a great actor.
I know you're gonna make it.
Do you really think so?
Mm-hmm. I have no doubt.
Mary. I don't know what
I'd do without you.
Me, too, Joe.
Hey, you feel like
fooling around?
I don't know.
I'm not really in the mood.
Come on, let's do it.
I've got kind of
a big day tomorrow.
I don't want to go in
looking too tired.
Come on.
We're not building
the pyramids here.
Ha.
Come on, Mary.
I won't wear you out, I promise.
Come on.
I'm serious.
Come on. Stop!
Jesus, you don't have
to get all pissy.
I'm not getting all pissy.
I'm just
Not in the mood.
OK, fine.
Men aren't machines
that you can turn off and on
by the flick of a switch,
you know?
I get the point, Joe.
Now you're angry?
I'm not angry.
Just next time
I'm not in the mood,
don't give me any shit, OK?
More champagne, dirk?
I'm leaving, Deanna.
Oh, please.
Please don't leave me.
I love you, dirk.
I love you.
That means nothing to me now.
But you said you loved me.
I don't love you, Deanna.
You're weak.
You're helpless.
And frankly, you bore me.
Please, dirk,
what do you want me to do?
I want you to
get out of my life.
Cut!
What's next, cis?
Scene 11-a.
Deanna attempts suicide again.
10 minutes.
Whoa!
Forgive me, father.
Hey, Bob.
Hold up there,
wonder muffin. Hey.
What's up, Roy?
Ratings are up another 5.
Oh. Then you guys should
give me another raise.
Whoo!
Ow!
Actually, we've got
an entirely new contract
for you, Bob.
5 years exclusive
with dirk Drake
having his own
a-level story line,
20 minutes
guaranteed screen time
per episode.
Script approval?
That's a tall order, Bob.
When you're on your knees, Roy,
everything looks tall.
Remember that, eh?
Dirk Drake.
What a piece of shit
this script is.
I can't believe I spent
3 years at the royal academy
just so I could spew
this fucking garbage.
I'm a little busy, baby.
Do you mind?
What are you doing?
I'm working on my next scene.
Oh. Oh, I see.
You're preparing
using Stanislavsky's
famous horoscope method.
What's so funny?
You.
Oh, come on, muffin.
Take off your robe.
No.
What?
You defy me, Deanna?
I'll see you tonight, baby.
Oh, but I'm ready
right now, see?
Yes, you are.
You hold onto
that little monster,
and not too tightly.
Remember what happened
last time.
Hey.
That was
a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
I know it was, baby.
Come on, man,
get the hell on the set,
would you?
Yo, Nicky!
Nick, I got the beach boys.
We're ready.
Whenever you are, baby.
All right, guys.
Settle down.
Let's get quiet on the set,
please, Zee. Thank you.
All right, beach boys!
Settle down and listen up!
OK, guys. Here's
the shot, all right?
Now, Madonna
Is gonna come walking up
the center aisle, right?
As she passes you
and you see her,
you give a double-take,
all right?
Like, "whoa, Madonna."
Whoa, Madonna.
No, no, no.
I mean, don't say that,
but that's what you're
acting like, right?
OK, now, uh, first of all,
you guys on this side got to
angle this way, all right?
You guys over here,
angle this way.
You angle this way a little bit!
So, she walks by,
and make it big,
big double-take, all right?
Call rehearsal.
Rehearsal!
OK, ready and action.
And row one.
Row 2. Row 3.
And 4. And 5.
And the top.
Yeah, great, great.
Guys on the top,
that was excellent.
Way to go, brothers!
Good job, bro!
Thanks.
That's the way
we're gonna do it.
Exactly like that, only bigger.
Hey, man, make sure you
get a shot of my ass.
I've been working
on it all week.
Actually, he's right.
Make sure all the guys
in the front row
have the right kind of, uh
What?
The right kind of ass, right?
You know what I'm saying?
Can you take care of that?
All right, beach boys,
turn around!
Bring the lights closer.
Nice and romantic.
I want it very romantic.
Sahara, Sahara,
let's go, let's go.
Where is she?
I don't know, Blair.
Well, did she call?
Is anybody listening to me?
Did Sahara call?
No.
That's it.
I am angry.
I am very, very angry.
Kiki.
Kiki!
Yes? Yes?
Darling, are you afraid of dogs?
No.
Excellent.
Bring in the poodle!
Poodle!
Some things are dark
And some things are red
Light up that cigar, baby
And use your imagination
This is Bob Lattimer.
Leave a message.
Hi. It's me.
Listen, I was thinking
about our fight,
and I know that you feel bad
and I feel bad,
so I just wanted
to call and tell you
that I think
we can work this out.
If I said anything
to upset you, I'm sorry.
Really, I apologize.
As the crab Princess says
in the little mermaid,
"I wuv you."
And I want to see you
so please call me.
Come on, I'm not waiting
any fucking longer. Let's go.
Zee, help me out here, will ya?
Hey, man. How you doing?
I'm ready.
All right!
Stop playing house here!
I want quiet!
Bring in Madonna!
Madonna!
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, man, opie.
Get in the back.
Go to the back.
Come on, man.
Uh, you right there, come here.
Stand in his spot.
Why do I have to go in the back?
Why?
Because your ass looks like
a back with a line in it.
Go to the back
or get off the set!
Come on, man, move it!
Shit!
Let's go. All right,
we're gonna do this.
Don't forget to make it big.
Real, but big.
All right, call it, Zee.
All right, umbrellas!
Play back!
Roll those cameras!
Louder, louder!
Up, up! Come on!
Yeah!
Action!
Some girls,
they like candy
And others,
they like gripe
I'll settle for
the back of your hand
Somewhere on my behind
Treat me like
I'm a bad girl
Even when I'm
being good to you
I don't want you
to thank me
You can just
Whoo!
Some guys
like to sweet-talk
And others,
they like to tease
OK, cut, cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut. Cut!
All right, guys,
what the fuck, huh?
That's a cut!
What did I what
That was bigger?
You, you're so concerned
about your ass, huh?
Be concerned about
your acting, all right?
Tell the guy
in the blue speedo
Get in the fucking back!
Right now!
Hey, Bob, it's Joe.
I know you're probably
in bed shooting heroin
with some underwear model,
but if you want to have
a beer or something,
give me a call.
Hi. It's me.
Listen, I was thinking
about our fight,
and I know that you
feel bad and I feel bad
Hey. Are we
doing this or not?
You bet your ass we're doing it.
Are you sure?
Maybe you want to read
your mail next.
Deanna, beware the wrath
of dirk Drake.
Look out. Here I come.
All right,
now, what's with the crane, huh?
Zee, why isn't
the crane back to one?
Move the goddamn crane
back to one, all right?
Let's go!
You know, biff,
sometimes I just want
to rip my clothes off
in the middle of the set!
Beat the fuckin' shit out of
that asshole assistant director.
I mean, I could outbox, outrun,
and outkick his fucking ass,
and still I have to take orders
from all these stupid
sons of bitches
till I can't fucking
stand it no more.
Fuck!
Excuse me. Madonna?
Joe Finnegan.
You called me.
I tried calling right back,
but there was no answer
at the number you left.
You really thought
I was her, didn't you?
Oh, my god.
You look just like her.
I know. I've done her body work
for the last 2 videos.
Really?
What I really want to do
is get a contract
so I can be in all her videos
and maybe even her movies.
Especially now since the baby.
So where is she?
She did all her closeups
yesterday,
so she's probably
back in I.A.
Or Miami you know,
she spends a lot of time there.
But you know her, right?
And kick Kick
And punch And gouge
And kick.
OK, position Alpha.
I want to show you now
what to do
in the event that you
are attacked from behind.
This is very important, OK?
Does anybody want to volunteer?
Mary?
Come on.
OK, now, get behind me.
OK, now, I want you to wrap
your arms around me
as if you were going
to attack me from behind.
OK, go ahead.
My hands are free,
but it's going to be hard
to pull these arms off, right?
What's the next closest weapon?
Teeth, right? Bite.
At the same time,
bring up that right leg
and deliver a heel smash
to the instep.
So it's Aah Unh.
Right?
That heel smash
will open up this leg, OK,
creating the space here
in which I will deliver
an elbow to the stomach, OK?
Now, why don't you
assume that position?
OK?
Now, I'm going to grab you here.
Now give me the bite.
OK and then
the heel smash.
OK, that's gonna open me up
a little bit
and you're gonna give me the
Very good.
OK, try it again.
OK
All right
It's exciting.
Yeah, yeah, that's great.
Excuse me.
Very good.
Thanks a lot.
Nice talking to you.
Later.
Yeah, but what about aids, man?
Aids was created in a laboratory
by white Jewish scientists.
It was a conspiracy with the FBI
basically to annihilate
the power of the black nation.
Wow.
This is gonna blow your mind.
You know the holocaust?
Never happened.
Oh, man.
What about the stories
and pictures?
That shit is fake. It's
about as real as your hair.
Come on, look at this shit.
I read a book.
Page after page of proof
that said that the Jews made
the whole holocaust up.
Shit never happened.
You know, I think
I read that same book.
Remember the part about
slavery in America?
What part is that?
Where the guy proves that
all the African-Americans
that came here in the 1600s
actually wanted to come.
In fact, most of them
paid their own way.
What the fuck are you
talking about, man?
It's true. They heard
there were lots of jobs
picking cotton which
would lead to better jobs
as muggers and crackheads,
so they just rushed over.
Can you believe it?
Slavery never existed.
Man, that shit is not
even a little bit funny.
It's at least as funny
as what you said
about the holocaust,
don't you think?
How's this for funny, beach boy?
Why don't you get your pail
and get out of here?
You're fucking fired.
All right, everyone,
back to one!
I want silence!
Don't play with me today!
Just give me a minute, will you?
I already told you
it was the rubber.
Rubber's off now.
Damn right the rubber's off.
Well?
Hold on.
What do you think I am,
a machine?
Hey, what are you doing?
Come on, Kelly, get back here.
Get back into bed.
Listen, baby, I know these
things happen sometimes,
but I gotta know.
Can you do this or not?
Because if you can't,
I gotta get on the phone,
make some calls,
and find somebody who can.
Aw, what's the matter, baby,
I hurt your feelings?
Actually, Kelly,
you did hurt my feelings.
Christ, I mean,
I like you, right?
You make me feel like
I'm just a stiff piece of meat.
Mmm, well
Not so stiff really, right?
Just get the hell out of here.
You think I want to do this now
after what you just said?
You can't do it.
Get on the bed.
No.
What are you get off of me!
Fuck.
See you on set, dirk.
So, anybody need a ride?
I'm heading downtown.
No, thanks.
Where you going Mary?
Actually, I'm going downtown.
Great.
Anybody else
need a ride downtown?
OK.
It's a big car, ladies.
No takers?
Car's over
this way. Bye.
Bye, guys.
There you go.
Oh, thank you.
God damn it.
Mary?
Mary?
Where is she?
You know, Mary, I gotta say,
of all the women who have passed
through my classes
over the years,
you are by far
the most courageous
and committed.
Thanks, Doug. You're
You're a great teacher.
Everybody says so.
Oh, well
Yes and no, I mean, you know.
I mean, a teacher
can only do so much.
What does your boyfriend do?
Oh, my god
What the hell?
Jesus Christ.
I'm leaving, Deanna.
Oh, please, please
don't leave me.
I love you, dirk.
I love you.
That means nothing to me now.
You said you loved me.
I don't love you, Deanna.
You're weak, you're helpless.
And frankly, you bore me.
Ooh!
Please, dirk,
what do you want me to do?
I want you to get
out of my life.
What's she gonna do now?
Try suicide again?
Oh.
It looked like Bob on that TV.
Wow it is Bob.
Look at that.
And how long have
you guys been together?
6 years.
Jump back. Wow.
You're a real
married couple here.
Wow.
No.
I don't think either one of us
is interested in marriage.
You know something?
Your boyfriend is
a very, very lucky guy.
Thank you.
Mary Mary! Wait, Mary!
Baby, what's the matter?
Can I come in?
Of course. Of course.
Um, what's what's going on?
What what is it?
Well, I've been thinking a lot.
I feel it's important
to tell you.
I
To tell me what?
Look, I know I've been, um
No, Bob, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
I have, all right.
And I feel, um
I feel
What? What
do you feel?
What, baby?
Ohh
Ohh
Ohh
Oh, it's OK.
Did they pay you?
No. But for me,
it was worth it.
Oh, that's great, Joe.
That's great.
You get your first
paying acting job ever,
and you blow it all with
some stupid comment.
That sounds worth it.
I don't want
to sound funny, Mary,
but a lecture is the last
thing I need right now.
Hey, Joe, do you think
just once you could
lift the toilet seat
when you take a leak?
What do you mean just once?
I always lift it.
You never do it.
Come look at this.
There's piss all over the seat.
There is not.
Come look!
I'm not gonna go in there
and look at a drop of piss
on a toilet seat.
You admit it!
I do not! Would you
get off my case?
What's the matter with you?
I'm not on your case.
You're just in a bad mood
because you know you
did something stupid.
What, you're going to bed?
It appears that way.
Is there something on your mind?
Well, it just struck me
that we haven't made
love for over a month.
Well, it's not my fault.
Oh, well, it's not my fault.
Joe, you have been
very depressed lately.
No, I haven't.
You just told me yesterday
you felt like your life
was going nowhere.
So?
I can feel that way
and not be depressed.
Well, it's very hard on me
dealing with your moods
all the time.
It's very hard on me
wearing the rubber all the time.
It's not all the time.
It certainly seems like it.
Fine! We won't use it.
I'll just get pregnant.
Is that what you want?
Why is it every time I say
I don't want to use a rubber
you accuse me of wanting
to get you pregnant?
You said you wanted
to have a baby.
Not right now.
When?
Let's just stop this
discussion right now!
I'm in a bad mood.
You're in a bad mood.
We're stopping.
I've stopped.
You make some money and maybe
we'll talk about having a kid.
Why does it always come
down to money with you?
Because you don't have any,
and let's face it, Joe,
I know you're trying
to make it as an actor,
but you work as a waiter.
You still don't
even have an agent.
I know I don't have an agent!
You think I don't know that?
Don't yell at me.
Well, don't talk to me
like I'm a fucking idiot!
You think I like
being broke all the time?
You think I like
wearing that cheap tuxedo,
serving up salmon
in greasy, cheesy sauce?
You think I like kissing
Dee Dee Taylor's ass
so she can get me a job
standing around
in my bathing suit?
Which you bought?
How do you think
that makes me feel? Huh?
Joe, I'm sorry, OK?
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
OK? Come here.
No.
I know how hard
it is on you, Joe.
But it's hard on me, too.
I feel like everything's
on my shoulders.
I feel like I'm all alone.
I know.
I've got to ask Ernst
for more work.
That's all there is to it.
I've got to find some way
to make some more money.
Joe, come here.
Joe, I love you whether
you have money or not.
I don't want to argue with you.
I came home tonight and
I really wanted to see you.
You go out and have
a drink after class?
No, class went
a little later tonight
and I hopped in a cab
and came home.
You took a cab?
Yeah. I just wanted
to get home.
That makes sense.
Hey, Mary, look at this.
Look at this woman's underwear.
See how it's all sleek and Lacy?
How it accentuates
every part of her body
and presents it like
a beautiful piece of candy?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
I'm just listening.
You got a funny look
on your face.
I'm just waiting for you
to make your point.
Well, my point is, compare
that to men's underwear
which is white,
cotton, shapeless.
Essentially a diaper.
What do you think that's saying?
All men are babies?
I'm trying to be
serious here, Mary.
I think this is
an important statement
about the relationship
between men and women.
Good. I think you should
write a book about it
and then maybe you
can tour the country
lecturing at lingerie stores.
Thanks a lot, Mary.
That's very funny.
I still need the rent.
I'm picking my check up
from Ernst today.
I might be a little bit
late tonight
'cause I've got an audition.
For what?
Some movie.
Dee Dee Taylor called me in.
Well, good luck.
So I guess we're
still fighting, huh?
I'm not fighting.
What, no kiss good-bye?
I had an abortion.
So what?
Dirk, how can you be so cruel?
I'm not cruel,
Deanna, I'm honest.
And I know exactly what you are.
I want to go.
No, you don't.
I want
You want me.
That's what you want.
Cut! Cut! Cut!
Bob, it's all about energy, man.
When you grab her,
I need to see energy.
What the fuck do you mean?
Cis, be so kind as to tell him
what the fuck I mean.
Louder, Carl? Is that
what you're saying?
God-fucking-damn it.
I'm coming down.
God damn it!
Jesus Christ!
This is what I'm talking about.
You grab her
like this Hard.
She feels it, you feel it.
She's turned on. She's
like a hunted animal.
Suddenly, you pull her
to you like this.
Oh, I like that.
Rip her blouse.
Wardrobe!
Let her know it's sex right now
whether she wants it or not.
OK, Shakespeare?
Go nuts.
And
Action.
I had an erection.
I mean, abortion.
Abortion.
All right, all right.
Come on, Bob.
I said action.
Action!
What the fuck's wrong with him?
Aw, bloody Christ.
Bob? Bob! Bob!
I'm off the show, Roy.
No contract, no nothing.
Party's over, that's it.
Bob, Bob, Bob,
you're making way too much
out of this, man.
You got a little
jammed up, that's all.
It happens to everybody.
No, we've got a big,
big problem here,
and I can tell you
exactly where it is.
All right, it's Carl.
You want a new director?
No, it is dirk and Deanna.
Their story is stalled.
They keep going in circles,
saying the same things
over and over.
They're not real.
There's no movement.
No development.
All right, OK. You want
development, no problem.
Here we go.
OK, they
They get married!
Right?
So we do the whole ceremony
And the wedding night
Hot tub Baby oil
You with me?
See? You want development,
you got it.
You see
I'd go in exactly
the opposite direction.
Think about this, Roy.
The next time Deanna
attempts suicide
It works.
Ha ha ha ha!
That would be funny.
Christ, she talks
about it enough.
Every single episode.
She
She kills herself?
She kills herself.
She kills herself.
Uh-huh.
God
I can't believe
how simple that was.
Hey, good idea, Roy.
Thanks for thinking
about it, eh?
I mean it.
Kelly?
All right, what is
the meter reading?
The meter says 11.
Yeah. And the the face?
I want the faces
to look all right.
I know I can feel it.
Can you?
Yes.
Mary, it was telling me
to just get away
and spend some
quality time with me.
Oh, your favorite person.
Yeah.
With myself.
Yes, yes, yes.
I told you that I'm
a very spiritual person.
Mm-hmm.
Today my horoscope said,
"you will look within,
and that which was lost
will be regained."
Oh.
I've regained something, Mary.
Someone.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
That guy you went
rollerblading with?
What?
You know, who hit you
with his elbow?
Oh! Oh, that
was an accident.
Besides, love
is never perfect, Mary.
I've learned that, and
I'm a much happier person.
Sahara, darling, I need you
out here immediately.
Let me see the proof.
Where are you gonna put
8 1/2.
Will everyone please be quiet?
I want absolute quiet
in this room right now.
This is not a game.
We are not playing here.
I'm sorry to be yelling,
but I am very angry.
Not at you, my darlings,
you are magnificent,
both of you.
All right, let's shoot.
All right
Yes, yes, love.
Sensual
Good, Rubio.
Almost there.
And the stomach, stomach.
Give me those nice,
tight, chunky abs.
That's it, that's it.
Good.
All right Eternity.
Good
Eternal love.
Almost, almost
Keep going. Give me more.
Give me abs.
Chunky abs, let's go.
Tighter, tighter, tighter
Oh, my god.
Oh, dios!
Rubio, what's the matter?
What is it?
What happened?
What's the matter?
He says he is deeply,
deeply ashamed.
He's never, ever
released the gas
in front of a woman before.
Rubio. Rubio.
It's OK, really.
It's OK.
I don't mind.
Come here, baby.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
Oh, Rubio, I love you.
Rubio, no care.
Do you understand?
No care. No care, baby.
Ohh
Clear. Clear.
Mr. Bob
Clean, press, hang, no box.
Ah, you're the best, Chang.
I know it.
Here, I've got
something for you.
Oh, no
Mr. Bob!
My old tuxedo.
Come on. I told you I was
going to give it to you.
Just take it, will you?
Will you sign?
What?
Your name.
Sign your name here.
Chang, I'm not going to sign
a fucking tuxedo.
Oh, yes, Mr. Bob,
you will sign.
Souvenir, remember?
Ah ha ha ha!
Hey, Bob!
Hey!
Hey!
How are you?
Look at you!
Look at all this money!
How are you, man?
I'm great.
You get my message?
You never fucking
called me, you bastard.
Yes. I was gonna call you,
but I've been so busy
with this goddamn soap.
Oh, yeah. It's going
pretty well, huh?
Can't complain, yeah.
Just signed
a 5-year contract today.
That's great. 5 years.
What about you?
Still doing the catering?
Yeah. I'm picking up
my tux right now,
and, uh
Check it out.
What's that?
I did a Madonna video.
She called me at home.
I've been trying
to call her back,
but I haven't been
able to get through.
Ha ha ha!
What?
What, you don't believe me?
Come over to my house.
Right now. Come on.
Let's go. I'll play
the message for you.
I saved the tape.
Hey, that was this chick I know.
She does a great
Madonna imitation.
I said, "hey, call my buddy Joe.
Say you're Madonna,
leave a fake number."
I didn't think
she was going to do it.
That was you?
Yeah. Hey, I'm sorry.
I thought you'd get
a kick out of it.
I'm really sorry.
No.
We should get together sometime.
Yeah, definitely,
let's get together.
Right.
I'll give you a call.
Hey, you look good, man.
Hey, likewise.
Hey
I might be getting married.
Have you been back
to class since then?
Well, yeah, but I can
barely look at him.
I'm still so furious.
Mary, I'm wondering if
This enormous anger
you have toward Doug
is not somewhat misplaced.
What do you mean?
Well, should he be
so harshly condemned
simply for finding you
sexually desirable?
Well, should I
be grateful to him
for wanting to kiss me,
is that what you're saying?
Mary, I know this is
a sensitive subject for you,
but please try to remember
I'm on your side.
I do believe that you do
indeed have some difficulty
in accepting yourself
as a beautiful, sexually
desirable young woman.
Dr. Leuter, would you
please stop saying that?
Why?
Well honestly,
it's just a little weird
hearing it from
my therapist, that's all.
Yes, I am your therapist, Mary,
but I am also a man, and
I would be lying to you
if I said that I didn't
have impulses as both.
Do you think my lying to you
would be beneficial?
No.
In truth, I've entertained
sexual thoughts about you
many times during our meetings.
Dr. Leuter
Let me finish, please.
OK.
In fact, just a moment ago
while you were speaking.
And while I was utterly
and professionally engaged
in what you were saying,
part of me was imagining
what your breasts
would feel like
naked in my hands.
I think I better leave.
Mary, sit down, please.
Mary, please!
It is imperative that you
confront this issue!
Mary!
Mary.
What, you got friends
all over the fucking place?
Yes, I have friends
as a matter of fact.
Come here.
I am not your fucking dog!
- Oh!
- Hey!
Oh, my god.
I'm not gonna fucking
tell you again.
Hey! Take it easy!
You don't have to hit her.
Who the fuck shut
the fuck up, asshole!
I'm the asshole, huh?
You're the asshole, pal.
I'm an asshole?
Oh, my god!
Want to get shot, motherfucker?
Huh, fuckface?
You want to get shot?
Go ahead, shoot me!
You brave, motherfucker?
Go ahead! Do it!
Go ahead! Shoot
the whole fucking world!
We don't care! Go ahead!
Lisa!
Come on, baby!
I'm sorry!
Excuse me, Ernst?
What is it?
You're probably going
to want to fire me,
but somehow I have
lost my bow tie.
Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Moses.
I've looked everywhere for it.
It must have fallen
out of my bag.
Well, I know you're
really short tonight,
and I feel terrible.
Come here, Joe.
This is called a four-in-hand.
Do you know how to tie it?
No, sir.
Mine was a clip-on.
Are you on for
the lunch tomorrow?
No. I wasn't told.
Put it in your book.
Thank you, Ernst.
I'll make sure
I have my own tie.
Keep this one.
Looks better on you.
And hit.
And hit.
OK, um, got about a minute left.
Chantal, why don't you
come up to the front?
Doug, could someone else go?
I don't feel that good today.
Oh, Chantal, your rrq
is one of the lowest
in the class.
I really feel right now
if we go for it
we can probably
bring you up 25 points.
What do you say?
OK, now, just relax.
Come on, big mama.
I got something for you
right here, big mama.
It's all yours, big mama.
Come on. Come on.
OK. OK. OK.
It's all right.
Are you all right?
Mmm.
It's OK. Go on back.
Class remember,
tears are an entirely
appropriate response.
OK?
Mary, why don't you come up?
How have you been?
Good.
You seem a little upset
about something? You OK?
Never better.
Good. So why
don't you turn around
and show me that sweet
little cupcake ass of yours?
Come on.
Unh!
1, 2, 3, 4!
Unh!
Aah!
Oh!
And a knee to the groin!
Ohh!
Mary! Mary! Mary!
I had an abortion.
So what?
Dirk, how can you be so cruel?
I'm not cruel,
Deanna, I'm honest.
And here
I brought you something.
I love you, dirk.
Good-bye.
Oh, my god.
She finally did it.
Shit.
Hi, I'm Joe Finnegan.
I have a 7:45.
They just
took the 8:00.
Sorry.
You're going to have to wait.
Joe?
Joe?
Joe?
Hi, Mary. It's Sahara.
You're not gonna believe this,
but I think I'm getting married.
I know it's crazy,
but I'm in love.
OK, give me call.
OK, bye.
Joe and Mary, quite contrary,
some might call
them adversaries,
none the less, I must confess;
she's the one I love the best.
I'll see you tonight.
Good night. Great script.
Really cool.
Thanks, Dee Dee.
Big kiss. Big one.
See you, Larry.
See you later.
Great to see you, Lawrence.
Next, please!
Finnegan.
Who's this guy?
Ah, Joe Finnegan.
I told you I thought
you should see him.
I'd like 2 white wines
and a bloody Mary.
Frankly, pal, so would I.
Joe, why are you
wearing a tuxedo?
Sorry, miss Taylor.
I just got off work.
I didn't have time to change.
Joe, most of these parts
are already cast,
but since you are the last one,
we are going to let you read
the Nick and Shelley scene.
Now, that is Tina. She's going
to be reading with you.
Hey, I know you.
The Madonna video.
Don't you remember?
You thought
I really was Madonna.
Oh, my god, you look
completely different.
You changed your hair.
Yeah, I'm back to my real color.
OK, OK
It's fairly simple.
You are a serial killer.
A very sexy serial killer.
She thinks that you love killing
more than you love her
so she grabs the gun
that you have just used to kill
her father and mother
and sister and brother
I I still don't think
the brother. It's too much.
We need the brother.
He's symbolic.
Would you two please
just mind saving this?
I will make this decision,
all right?
Anytime you're ready.
I love you, Shelley.
Give me the gun.
No. You don't love me.
I do.
Tell me one thing
that you love about me.
Tell me.
I love your hair
I love your breath,
your skin, your eyes
I love your smile, your touch
I love the way you
fall asleep at night
Holding my finger.
Please
Please
Give me the gun.
Changed some of
the lines there, Joe.
I'm sorry. I got
a little lost. Thanks.
No, no. Wait, wait.
I'll just ask, of course.
Well, find out.
Joe, we'd like to see
Something else now.
Something, um
With a little different tone.
Right now?
Anything.
We just want to get
some idea of your range.
Do you have anything, Joe?
You know, biff
Sometimes, I just
Want to rip my clothes off
in the middle of that store
and outbox that goddamn
merchandise manager.
I mean, I can outbox
Outrun, and outlift
anybody in that store.
But still I have to take
orders from those
Common, petty sons of bitches
till I can't stand it anymore.
You see, biff
Everybody around me
Is so false
I'm constantly lowering
my ideals.
Oh, my god.
Well Brilliant.
Ah, you see?
I told you my instincts
were never wrong.
That was very good, Joe.
Very, very good.
Bravo!
Hey, I just got
a part in a movie.
I still can't believe it.
My first part in a movie.
They all loved you, Joe.
You were so great.
I was great? Well,
you know, you were great.
I mean, I don't know why
you're not acting in it.
No, I'm not an actress,
Joe. I know that now.
What about standing in
for Madonna?
Blond, black, back to blond,
my hair couldn't
take it anymore.
I think your hair
looks great this way.
Yeah. I think
it looks great.
I wanted to do that all night.
Hey, I just got
a part in a movie.
That's incredible.
A friend told me
about this place.
You see all these waitresses?
They're all models.
All of them.
All high-class models.
Mmm!
You are so sexy, Joe!
I want you right now.
Oh, Tina, I want you, too.
When you said those things
you loved about me,
it felt like
you really meant it,
like like you were
really talking to me.
Wow, this is crazy.
I know. Let's go back
to my place.
No. Boy, I'd
really like to, but
I like you, too, Joe.
No, no, I mean I gotta go.
You gotta go?
I'm sorry, Tina.
I will you be all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm I'm
gonna be all right.
It's good to see you again, Joe.
You, too, Tina.
Mary?
Joe.
I got the part.
Did you?
A part in a film.
And there's money.
Joe!
Joe, that's fantastic.
Joe!
Joe!
Joe
Do I have a sexual problem?
Are you crazy?
Dr. Leuter said
I had a sexual problem
because I didn't want to hear
his fantasies about me.
What fantasies?
He said he was a man
and he wondered what my
breasts would feel like
naked in his hands.
Well, I'm a man,
and he's gonna wonder
what my fist feels like
naked in his face.
Joe
You don't think I have
a sexual problem?
Hell, no.
But even you said
I wasn't spontaneous.
Well, did I?
Oh, come on, Mary,
I meant both of us.
You're still attracted to me?
Of course I am.
We haven't made love
in over 2 months.
I know that.
You kidding?
I'm very aware of that.
Maybe you're
not attracted to me.
How can you say that?
Maybe you're attracted to guys
like your self-defense teacher
and his big, fancy BMW.
Joe, I am very attracted to you.
I am very, very, very
attracted to you, Mary.
I am very, very, very
attracted to you, Joe.
Oh, Mary!
What are you doing?
Oh, god!
Jesus
Christ.
Joe, you were incredible.
Me? What about you?
Little rabbit.
Little sex rabbit.
Carrot boy.
Whoo.
Whoo.
Wow.
Hey, how did you know
my teacher had a BMW?
Does he?
Yeah.
Lucky guess.
Sorry about the rubber.
Think we'll be OK?
I don't know.
I hope so.
Good morning.
How do you like your eggs, baby?
Over easy.
All righty.
Over easy it is.
Everything's going to be
easy from here on out.
And you know what I've decided?
For the wedding,
I'm going to go back
to my real color.
Brunette, again.
I haven't been
a brunette in years.
Besides
It's the real me, anyway.
And who more would you
want than the real me?
Nothing more than
just absolutely me.
I feel so comfortable with you
I just cannot believe it.
I'm just so excited
about this wedding
Buddy.
Watch out for that glass.
Mmm.
What the hell
is wrong with people?
Huh, buddy?
Doesn't it seem like everybody's
getting stupider and stupider?
Why did they have to be
breaking somebody's window?
Huh, buddy?
Are you listening to me?
I know what you're
thinking about.
You just want to eat.
Let's go now
'cause I gotta get to work.
You hold onto that ball.
What do you think you're
going to have for breakfast
this morning, huh?
Bacon and eggs?
You wish.
What are you?
A cat?
Or a rabbit?
Kitty cat.
No. You're a rabbit.
A fuzzy-headed little rabbit.
You've got a hard-on.
No, I don't.
You do, too.
Mary, don't you think
I'd know it
if I had a hard-on?
Then what's this?
That's the carrot I keep
to feed the little rabbit with.
Come on, Joe, stop.
I don't have time.
We'll do it tonight, OK?
OK, if that's what you want,
I'll stop.
Oh, all right.
Quick, get a rubber, carrot boy.
Let's just do it without.
No. Come on,
I don't want to get pregnant.
No!
All right, all right, calm down.
I'll get it. Just a second.
Help!
Help!
Somebody help me, please!
Help!
Help!
That man stole my dog!
Joe, call the police.
What's the matter?
Oh, my god!
Someone just stole
this woman's dog.
Call the police.
Help!
Shit.
Oh, god, I see him.
I see you, you prick!
We're calling the police, ma'am.
He stole my dog!
Buddy!
Buddy!
Hey.
Hey, where are you going?
Sorry, babe.
Gotta split.
Well, don't you want
some breakfast?
No, no time for that.
What's with this lock?
You turn it to the left.
To the left.
Am I gonna see you again?
Oh, sure, of course, babe.
I'll give you a call sometime.
Take it easy, eh?
Do you like rollerblading?
Shit.
Joe.
Is this blouse too revealing?
Look at this.
Here's Joe Schmo,
talented new actor,
and here's miss Quim,
talented new actress.
Joe.
He's standing on the street
in an overcoat,
and she's lying on the floor
in her underwear
with her boobs hanging out.
So?
What do you mean, "so"?
Here it is,
25 years after women's
liberation,
and women are still
being reduced
to selling themselves
as sex objects.
Maybe she doesn't feel reduced.
Maybe she feels proud
of her sexuality.
Well, maybe he's proud
of his sexuality.
Why isn't he crawling
across the floor
with his balls hanging out?
And what do boobs
have to do with acting?
Nothing.
I'm gonna write
a book about this.
You're not working today?
Yes, I'm working.
I'm working a lunch,
and then I have that audition
with the casting
director at 3:00.
Right. Oh, good luck, hon.
Thank you.
Listen, I still need
a check for the rent.
What? Again?
Yeah, it kind of works that way.
You know, once a month.
Remember, we have dinner
with Raina and Alex tonight,
and I think they're
bringing the baby.
All right. I'll meet you
after the audition.
Good luck, honey.
Bye.
There you are, Mr. Bob.
Clean and pressed.
Very nice.
Yeah. It's a piece
of shit, Chang.
Oh, no.
It's a very nice tuxedo.
It's a piece of shit.
And I'll tell you something.
The next time I come in here,
I'll give it to you.
Oh, no.
Mr. Bob, keep your tuxedo.
No, it's yours.
Little souvenir from me to you.
You know what that
means, "souvenir"?
Yes.
I think it means
you are full of shit.
Keep going to night school.
Looking good today, sugar tits.
Hello, miss Taylor.
It's Dee Dee, isn't it?
It's really great to meet you.
Thank you for seeing me.
But how could you miss me?
I'm standing
right in front of you.
What I'm gonna do for you
today, miss Taylor,
is one of hap's speeches
from Arthur Miller's
death of a salesman.
You know, biff
Sometimes I want to just
rip my clothes off
in the middle of that store
and outbox that goddamn
merchandise manager.
I mean, I can outbox,
outrun, and outlift
anybody in that store,
and I have to take orders
from those common,
petty sons of bitches
till I can't stand it anymore.
You see
Everybody around me is so false.
I'm constantly
lowering my ideals.
Hello, miss Taylor.
It's Dee Dee, isn't it?
Where are the biker boys?
All right, biker boys,
show me those abs.
OK, flex, flex, flex, flex.
That's what we want.
Beautiful, tight, chunky abs.
Yes. All right.
Oil the abs.
I want a boa constrictor
or a python.
Morning, ladies.
10 minutes.
Morning.
Let's go!
I don't know, Mary.
I'm sort of giving up
on the whole human race.
Why, honey?
What's the matter?
Everybody is so superficial.
I am sick of it.
I am sick of all this
superficial bullshit.
I'm a very spiritual person.
Are you really?
Oh, very spiritual.
Have you seen
the little mermaid?
The cartoon?
Oh, it's not just
a cartoon, Mary.
If you look
just a little closer,
you will find
a spiritual message
in every single one
of Walt Disney's films.
Could we please change
this fucking music?!
Oh, sure, baby.
What do you want to hear?
Hole?
Snoopy dog dog?
Anything, OK?
Christ. Douche would be
better than this shit.
Is douche good?
I'm not gonna be able to work
with this depressing shit on.
It's 10:00,
and I'm already depressed.
I look depressed, don't I?
No, no.
You look beautiful.
Hey, little baby.
Come here, sweetheart.
Hey, what the hell's
the matter with you?
What?
Don't "what?" Me. You know
what I'm talking about.
What if that was
your granddaughter, huh?
You old fucking scumbag.
Just leave me alone.
Jesus.
Excuse me.
Do I know you?
No, I don't think so.
The way you smiled at me,
I feel like I've known you
my whole life.
That's so sweet.
Are you in a relationship?
Yes, I am.
You don't sound
very happy about it.
Well, I love my girlfriend
very much.
It's just that I don't think
that she understands me
in a real emotional
or sexual way.
Yeah.
I sense that in you.
You know, this is going
to sound really crazy,
but I feel like I've known you
my whole life, too.
Really?
Yeah.
And I'd like to give you
a blow job right now.
Right now?
Do you mind?
You didn't go in?
No, I didn't go in.
I'm in a relationship.
I can't go sniffing
every bird that flies by.
She was a real blonde?
Kind of hard to tell
from the street, Bob.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I met this model last night.
I thought she was blond,
till we got back to her place,
turned out she was fake.
Straight out of a bottle.
It's too bad.
She was sweet, too.
What? You're not
gonna see her again
just because she dyes her hair?
Let's go.
All right, lads,
look sharp, come on.
All right, gentlemen,
front and center.
Everyone pay attention.
You will divide
into eight 2-man squads.
The first man in
pours the red wine.
The second man in
serves the finger food,
and it is called finger food
precisely because it is to be
eaten with the fingers.
No utensils.
Any questions?
Ernst, I have a question.
Are you wearing a girdle?
Because your ass looks
incredible in those pants.
No, I am not wearing a girdle,
but you can be assured
that if I catch any of you
faggots looking at my ass,
I'll fire the whole
fucking lot of you.
Hey, Ernst.
We're not all gay here,
you know?
That, my dear straight
friend, is your problem.
To your stations.
That, my friend,
is your problem.
What is your name?
Joe, Joe Finnegan.
Who hired you?
Did I hire you?
Yes, you did. I was
recommended by Bob.
Don't ever let the neck
of a bottle
touch the rim of the glass.
And smile, for god's sake.
You look like you're
at a fucking funeral.
It's an extreme pleasure
to have you here with us.
Oh, my balls are killing me.
Why?
That model
I was with last night.
She was like an animal.
19. One of those
tight little asses
you just want to take
a bite right out of.
Jesus.
Where did you meet her?
This bar,
TNA.
I'll take you down there.
All the chicks there
are these gorgeous
high-class models,
even the waitresses.
If they're such
high-class models,
what are they doing waitressing?
Hey, you're doing it.
So are you.
Not for much longer, pal.
Guess who just got
a part on a soap.
Get out of here.
Passion crest.
Recurring character.
Dirk Drake.
I wouldn't do a soap.
It's not even acting.
$3,600 a week?
Act that,
you sorry, broke-ass
fucking waiter.
Feel the jeans there, come on.
Feel those jeans, yeah.
Feel it, come on.
Go for it. You know
where it is. Let's go.
You're not with me, Sahara.
Come on, Sahara.
Kill the fan.
Sahara.
You know that I love you?
Yes.
And you know
that you're my favorite?
Oh, yes.
That's why I want you
to go deeper for me.
I want the pure essence
of your sexuality.
I thought that's
what I was doing.
You are,
but this woman, she's fearless.
Just like you.
She's bold.
She can do something
a little kinky,
maybe a little dirty sexually,
and be absolutely fine with it.
Understand?
I think so.
Good, good.
Maybe you should just shoot her
getting fucked by a poodle.
What?
Why a poodle?
I've always wanted
a Jack Russell.
You ever feel
like fooling around?
Sure. Sometimes
I get the urge, you know,
just like everyone else.
Basically I'd say that Mary
and I are pretty happy.
That's good.
Yeah, you know,
the sex is good.
It could be a little better.
Sometimes I wish Mary
was a little bit more
What?
I wish sometimes
that she'd just
Go a little bit wild
like you said that model did.
Go crazy on me.
See, I need that, Bob.
Come on, man.
Look on the bright side.
You got stability, right?
Some people need that.
All right, I'm heading this way.
Hey, when do you start the soap?
Tomorrow morning, my friend.
I guess I won't be seeing you.
No, hey, come on.
We'll get together.
I'll give you a call sometime.
Dirk Drake, huh?
Passion crest!
$3,600 a week!
And what is wrong
with people, you know?
Every day
it seems like everybody
is just getting stupider
and stupider.
You seem rather agitated
today, Mary.
I am agitated, I am.
You know, every morning
I pass this guy on the street,
and he always makes some
disgusting comment to me.
Why don't you take
a different route?
Because I don't want
to take a different route.
Why should I let that scumbag
dictate how I live my life?
What I feel like doing
is taking him by the hair
and smashing his face
right into the sidewalk.
Perhaps we could find
a more productive outlet
for your anger.
Another female patient of mine
is taking a self-defense class
that is quite unique.
I don't need self-defense.
Hear me out, Mary.
OK.
The instructor
has apparently devised
a series of exercises
designed to help women cope
with the more
ordinary rudenesses
they encounter
on a day-to-day basis.
I'm going to get
his telephone number for you,
and you call him
when you feel like it.
A physical activity like this
might alleviate
some of that hostility
you have for men.
Am I hostile towards men?
We'll talk about that next week.
Oh, OK.
And might I add that
blouse you are wearing
is especially becoming.
Thank you, Dr. Leuter.
You know, biff
Sometimes I want to just
rip my clothes off
in the middle
of that store and outbox
that goddamn
sales merchandise manager.
I mean
Aah!
I'm sorry.
I forgot my line.
Oh, that's all right.
Really, really it is.
Joe.
We have a little problem
with your credits here.
There's no TV,
no commercials, no soaps.
I'm not that interested
in doing soap operas.
Really?
Why is that?
It's not even acting, is it?
I mean, not the kind of acting
that I want to do.
It's fake, it's stupid.
Well, it's clear that you and I
have absolutely nothing
to talk about.
Good-bye.
Excuse me, miss Taylor,
what did I say?
Oh, Christ.
What every other no-name,
no-credit actor says
when he comes through that door.
I mean, who the hell
do you think you are?
Tom Cruise?
Well, you're not,
and believe me,
you're stupid if you think
that I would hire any actor
who wasn't damn willing to work.
You misunderstood. I'm
This is a business.
If you don't understand that,
then you don't belong in it.
Go away.
You're right, miss Taylor,
this is a business.
I understand that.
I'm beginning
to understand that.
I didn't mean that I wouldn't
work on a soap.
If there was something
that you thought I could do,
of course I would do it.
Really, I would love
to work on a soap.
How old are you?
No credits.
No agent.
All right, let's get real, Joe.
Have you got a bathing suit?
I could get one.
Good.
There's a Madonna video
coming up.
Kind of a beach theme.
You might be right for it.
Unless, of course,
you don't do music videos.
Of course I do.
That would be great,
miss Taylor
Or is it Dee Dee?
Thanks, Joe.
I'll be in touch.
Hey, guys,
come on back and see Chavonne,
New York's hottest blonde.
She's a college girl
majoring in sexy, sexy, sexy.
That's right,
you there in the overcoat,
this college chick,
is she a real blonde?
Oh, yeah. Beautiful.
Sexy, sexy chick, man.
Like Madonna, but blond.
Very blond.
All right.
I'll take a buck's worth.
Here he comes.
He knows the real thing.
How about you other guys, huh?
Don't you want to see Chavonne?
New York's hottest blonde.
Ohh.
Thank you.
I love this little puppy.
I love her, I love her,
we love her, too,
don't we, Cassiopeia?
Hey, there, little Cassie.
Oh, we don't call her
Cassie, Joe.
We have a strict rule.
Her whole name
or no name at all.
I'm sorry.
That's a good rule.
It's so great to see you guys.
It's been too long.
We've been absolutely crazed
since Alex's show.
Absolutely crazed.
I'm in 3 galleries now.
The paintings
are selling so fast,
I don't even have time
to stretch a canvas.
If you need a job, Joe,
I could put you
to work tomorrow.
Oh, thanks.
I got a job.
I don't think we've seen
you since Il Piano.
Oh, my god, I loved that movie.
Wasn't that a great movie?
A great, great flick.
One of the best, really.
That movie was a piece of shit.
Are you kidding?
No, I'm not kidding.
Come on, it was nothing
but a glorified romance novel.
Spirited sensuous young woman
leaves her uptight husband
for the man of her dreams:
A masculine but sensitive native
with earrings and tattoos.
I'm sorry, Joe,
but I think
you completely missed
what this film was about.
Oh. What
was it about?
Well, it was about
a lot of things.
It was about courage, freedom.
It was about unrestricted,
unconditional primal love.
Yeah, you're way off
on this, man.
I'm just curious.
Has anyone seen
the little mermaid?
Besides, it was only on every
top 10 list in the country.
So, what?
What are those two gonna do
for the rest of their lives?
Stand around
and stare at each other
all loving and unconditional?
Do you think that
they'll ever have
a real argument
the way that real people do?
Do you think that she
would ever say to him,
"hey, Kimba,
you know I really love
"your masculine sensitivity,
but do you think that just once
you could remember
to lift the toilet seat
before you take a piss?
I completely agree with you.
My boyfriend loved that move
so much, I broke up with him.
Which movie?
Il piano.
Yeah. What the hell
was that movie all about?
I liked it.
You liked Harvey Keitel's ass.
No, that's utterly untrue.
But what else was there
to like about it?
What are they talking about?
Il piano.
Great photography.
That little girl bugged me.
If I had a daughter like that,
I'd kick her fucking ass.
You ask me something.
You don't wait for me to answer.
As it should be.
Who the hell wants
to see a man nude?
I thought it was incredible.
I cried through most of it.
You did cry,
and I was proud of you.
You went on and on
and on about it.
It was a little embarrassing.
I just didn't feel like
listening to him blab
about his paintings all night.
Did you hear that little
dig about a job?
What dig?
That I could come work for him
stretching canvases.
What do I look like,
a fucking handyman?
Joe, why are you so angry?
Did your audition go badly?
Is that it?
No. Actually,
it went great.
I really nailed the monologue.
And afterward,
she looked at my resume
and said, "you don't have
any soaps on here,"
and I said, "I know I don't.
You want to know why?
Because I don't
consider that acting."
You said that?
Yup, and you know what?
She may have something
for me already.
What?
A Madonna video.
Joe, that's fantastic.
I mean, that could lead
to something,
and it's money, right?
That's right, Mary.
That's what I'm learning.
It's a business.
It's all a business.
Guess what. I might take
a self-defense class.
Why?
Well, Dr. Leuter said
it might help me
deal with my hostility.
Your what?
Uh, the assholes on the street.
Oh, well, that's great.
So that's what you guys
talk about in there?
That and other things.
Why?
Just curious.
Bob got a job on a soap.
He's not doing
the catering anymore.
He told me he met
this blond model.
They went back to her place
and had kinky sex all night.
Is that what you'd like?
Kinky sex with a blond model?
She wouldn't necessarily
have to be a model.
What? I'm not
kinky enough for you?
I never said that.
You implied it.
I did not.
I was simply telling you
about what happened to Bob.
Of course, you're kinky.
You're very kinky, OK?
Just that we both know
that sometimes I have to
What?
Well, you know.
No.
Initiate things.
You do not.
What about this morning?
Well, actually, if you recall,
I suggested that we make love,
and your first response
was "no."
I thought we had a
pretty healthy sex life,
and now you're telling
me you're bored with me.
Can we just hold on a second?
The only thing
that I'm suggesting
is that perhaps we could be
a little bit more spontaneous.
How?
Well, for one thing, by not
having to wear a rubber
all the time.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I don't want to get pregnant.
It just seems
a little bit odd to me
that for somebody who's
so against getting pregnant,
you seem to be infatuated
with babies.
Christ, you were all over
that little tapioca.
Cassiopeia, and so what?
I like babies.
I just don't want
to have one of my own.
That's great.
Why? Do you you want
to have a baby?
No.
I'm not gonna have a kid
until we can afford it.
What does money
have to do with it?
You don't have any.
Other people have kids.
How do they do it?
Either they hire somebody,
or one of them stays home
and takes care of the baby.
Are you gonna do it?
If you think I'm gonna
give up my career,
you're crazy.
What are we talking
about this for?
You brought it up.
No, I didn't.
I was talking about something
completely different.
Well, what were you
talking about?
Let's just drop it, OK?
And now you're all pissed off.
What makes you say that?
Do you know that I never
thought I'd see you again?
I told you I'd call you,
didn't I?
Yes, but I thought
maybe you didn't like me.
Hey, what's not to like?
Do you like my eyes?
Mm-hmm.
Do you like my body?
Oh, yeah.
Do you like my hair?
Do you?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Come on, what's the matter?
Excuse me.
Bob, come on, wait.
What's wrong?
God damn it, I said
nothing was wrong.
There's a message.
Did you hear this?
No.
It's probably for you.
Hi. This is Madonna.
It's Wednesday about 2:55.
Sorry for calling so late.
I'm trying to reach
Joe Finnegan.
Joe, can you please
call me immediately
at 555
Jesus fucking Christ.
Do you really think it's her?
Of course it's her.
Who else would it be?
She's probably calling
about the video.
555-0270.
You know, Joe, Madonna is
an international superstar.
I mean, I seriously doubt
she's gonna call you at home.
At the very least, she'd have
her assistant call, right?
Mary, I've heard she
gets personally involved
in all of her projects.
She probably saw my picture
on the wall and said, "hey!
Maybe I'll feature
Joe Finnegan in my video."
All right. All right,
well, call her.
Well, it's only 9:00.
She's probably still sleeping.
Oh. OK.
I'm going, then.
Hey, call me if you reach her.
Oh, I will.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, baby, come sit on my face.
Oh, grow up, you stupid asshole.
Get angry, baby, I like it!
It makes my dick hard!
See? Heh heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh heh.
Aah!
Why do you say that shit, huh?
Why?!
God, stop! Stop, please!
No, I'm not gonna fucking stop
until you tell me
why you say it?
Do you think you're gonna
meet women this way?
You think some woman is
gonna turn around and say,
"hey, there's a fucking guy
I'd like to go out with"?
No! No, I'm just a coward.
A miserable, fucking coward.
Uhh!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Oh, shit!
Heh heh heh heh.
Dirk, I'm so happy, I could cry.
Don't even think of it, Deanna.
I wish I could tell mother
about the wedding.
We will
As soon as she's
out of the coma.
But, dirk,
that could take forever.
Until then.
Cut!
What's next, cis?
Page 35, living room.
Garth finds out Sandy
is his sister.
20 minutes to set up.
OK. Let's hear it for Bob!
Whoo!
Enter.
Hey, Bob.
Whoa.
Great fucking abs, man.
Thanks, Roy.
We should work out
together sometime.
Yeah, we should.
Hey, did you see the ratings
are up 3 points?
Saw that.
Yeah, yeah.
Keep that up, homes. Yeah.
Hey, did you sign
those contracts yet?
Any day, Roy.
Fucking Valentino, man.
"Bring me no more reports.
"Let them fly all,
"till Birnam wood
remove to Dunsinane.
What's the boy, Malcolm?"
You decent?
Yes.
Too bad.
Ah, Deanna,
I see your innocence
is merely a part you play.
Ha. You're
a good actor, Bob.
Thanks. Thank you.
And so are you.
I know I am.
You know, we could have done
a lot more with that scene.
Which scene?
The kiss.
Ohh. Are you kidding?
That little tickle thing
you did with your tongue,
I swear, if I didn't have on
3 pairs of underwear,
I might have knocked over
a light stand.
Ha. Shut up.
Oh, damn, Kelly,
you're a nice girl.
Too bad you're not
a real blonde.
What are you talking about?
Don't even try
to bullshit me, Kelly.
I know a real blonde
when I see one.
Well, then you
must be fuckin' blind.
Wait a second.
You telling me that
you are a real blonde?
Head to toe.
Want to see my driver's license?
No.
I don't want to see
your driver's license.
Satisfied?
Ha ha.
Close the door.
What you want
You ain't gonna get it
Sahara, where were you?
I just called you.
Oh, hey. Mary
Oh, my god.
What happened to you?
Yesterday, I went rollerblading
with this guy I just met,
and somehow I got
too close to him
and his elbow hit me in the eye.
I know it was my fault.
I feel really stupid.
Oh, Jesus!
But can you cover it, please?
You cannot believe
what I am going through
with those fricking snakes!
Oh, my god!
Blair, I am so sorry.
It was an accident.
Is it real?
Yeah, it's real.
Yes.
Mary, you have to get rid of it.
It's not the bruise.
I can cover the bruise.
The problem is the swelling,
I mean
No. I've got to
shoot today.
I booked those snakes
a month in advance.
Well, you're just
gonna have to shoot her
with a black eye, then.
Oh, are you crazy?
Darker, darker.
Bruise is truth.
We must never hide it.
Yes. Bring in the serpents.
Yes.
Now wrap them around their legs.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, that's it.
Everybody clear.
Everybody clear.
Let's shoot. Let's shoot.
Roses! Right now!
More!
Yes! Oh! Yes!
Powerful, powerful.
No blame, Sahara.
No blame, Kiki.
Yes.
To the side.
Hold it right there.
Yeah, OK, all right.
I'll take that call
in my office.
Where is ah, yeah.
Oh, Jim. Hi.
No. Joe Finnegan.
Joe! I'm sorry.
I'm Joe, of course.
Missy, get a shot of his back.
Would you turn around?
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Now, Joe, could you, uh
Give me some something sexy?
A look.
Sexy?
Yeah, yeah, sexy.
You know, sexy.
You know, be confident.
Oh, OK.
That's good. Thanks.
Excuse me, Dee Dee,
did Madonna
speak to you about me?
About you? No. Why?
Well, it's a funny thing,
but I got a phone call
left on my answering machine,
and I keep calling,
but there's never an answer
at the number she left.
Well, what do you suppose
it was about?
I assumed that it had
something to do with this video.
Maybe she wanted to give me
a special cameo or something.
Ha. Joe, there are no
special cameos in the video.
We'll try and get you
in the front row, huh?
And so, you've got the address,
you've got the, uh,
bathing suit.
Be prepared to spend all day.
OK, great. I'm excited.
Dee Dee?
There any soaps coming up
I could audition for?
Not right now.
Any plays or films?
Not at the moment.
Joe Joe
Do you think
you could play a rapist?
Yeah, I think so.
How about a serial killer?
Yeah. Yeah,
I think I can do that.
I think you could, too.
You're young, you're hip,
you're sexy.
I think you'd be perfect for it.
Yeah!
I'm gonna keep my eye out
for that kind of role,
and as soon as I find something,
I'll let you know.
Great! Thanks, Dee Dee!
Pick it up.
Pick that up now.
Go, go.
Jesus.
It's a little town near buffalo.
I've never been to buffalo.
Yeah.
I'd rather go to
Tahiti or Montserrat.
Montserrat's fine,
but you got to fly there.
You can take the bus up to it.
Joe!
Alex, look. It's Joe.
You're right.
It is Joe.
Hey there, buddy.
What are you guys doing here?
I'm on the board
because the met bought
6 of my paintings.
Oh. You're getting them
stretched all right, huh?
This is so funny, Joe.
You're working.
Yeah. I got to
pay the bills.
Great tuxedo, man.
Thanks. It's secondhand.
Hey, you know what? I'm doing
a Madonna video tomorrow.
I love Madonna.
You know, we know her.
Yeah, she called me.
She wants me to do
a special featured cameo
or something.
That is just like her.
Tell her I said hi.
I will.
And tell Mary we should
get together real soon.
OK.
Excuse me, sir.
Is there anything else
I can get you?
Perhaps some more whipped cream?
No, thank you, captain.
Got to keep ship-shape
for all these fillies
around here.
You know what I mean?
Aye, aye, captain.
What are you doing?
He asked me about
the strawberries,
how they got so big.
Never, ever
touch a guest. Never!
I'm sorry, Ernst.
Nobody told me.
OK, OK, OK. Just go,
go, go, go, go, go.
God damn, you fucking whores.
Let's begin today by
reviewing a few facts.
Men are physically stronger
than women.
This is not a criticism
of your gender, ladies.
It is a fact.
Fact you as women
are vulnerable.
Vulnerable, but not helpless.
This class will provide
each and every one of you
with a simple and effective
means of self-defense
in the event
of a physical assault.
Fact there are other
types of assault.
Verbal harassment
on the streets,
blatant groping and fondling
in public places
All the behavioral ticks
that make men
So irresistible.
Now, my research has shown
that these assaults
could be equally damaging
if the rage and the frustration
that they arouse
are not released.
And to that end,
I have developed a series
of patented exercises
designed to increase your rrq.
Class.
Rage release quotient!
Good.
Uh, Sheila, why don't you
come up to the front
of the class, please?
Thank you.
Now
Remember, you can respond
however you feel, OK?
If you wish to scream,
scream away.
If you feel like striking me,
go ahead and do so.
Understand?
I think so.
All right. Let's begin.
Looking good, sweet meat.
Sweet meat.
Did you hear what I said?
Yes.
Do you like being
called sweet meat?
No.
Does it make you angry?
Yes.
How angry?
Very angry.
OK.
How do you feel?
Better.
Good.
OK, Mary?
Come to the front, please.
OK. Let's begin.
Man, you got some sweet
little ass on you, cupcake.
Shut the fuck up!
I'd take a nice little bite
out of that sweet little ass,
cupcake.
You OK?
Yeah.
That was great.
It was.
He brought me up to the class,
and he was telling me, you know,
"just go ahead and do whatever
you feel like doing."
I mean, it was just incredible.
I started punching
and swinging at him.
I mean, I never knew
it would feel this good
to hit somebody, you know?
That's great.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I did, I did.
And this teacher
is so fantastic.
He said I have
a really high rrq.
Rrq?
Rage release quotient!
He said I have the highest
in the class. Ha ha.
Brrrr!
99.3!
Maybe I should take that class.
You know, Alex and Raina
were at that dinner tonight.
He made a comment
about my tuxedo,
and I wanted to kill him.
I felt like such an idiot
standing there,
having them seeing me
working as a waiter.
Come on, Joe.
It's what you do.
It's not what I do.
OK.
It's not what you do,
but it's how you pay the rent.
Huh? And there's
nothing wrong with it.
I mean, everybody has to work.
Well, I'm sick of this shit.
I feel like my life's
going nowhere.
Joe, your life
is going somewhere.
I mean, you did this great
audition for Dee Dee Taylor,
and she immediately
got you a job with pay.
Did you ever get
through to Madonna?
No. No, I've been
calling all day.
It's the story of my life
Nobody's home.
Come on, Joe.
You just got to stick
with it, you know?
I mean, you're a great actor.
I know you're gonna make it.
Do you really think so?
Mm-hmm. I have no doubt.
Mary. I don't know what
I'd do without you.
Me, too, Joe.
Hey, you feel like
fooling around?
I don't know.
I'm not really in the mood.
Come on, let's do it.
I've got kind of
a big day tomorrow.
I don't want to go in
looking too tired.
Come on.
We're not building
the pyramids here.
Ha.
Come on, Mary.
I won't wear you out, I promise.
Come on.
I'm serious.
Come on. Stop!
Jesus, you don't have
to get all pissy.
I'm not getting all pissy.
I'm just
Not in the mood.
OK, fine.
Men aren't machines
that you can turn off and on
by the flick of a switch,
you know?
I get the point, Joe.
Now you're angry?
I'm not angry.
Just next time
I'm not in the mood,
don't give me any shit, OK?
More champagne, dirk?
I'm leaving, Deanna.
Oh, please.
Please don't leave me.
I love you, dirk.
I love you.
That means nothing to me now.
But you said you loved me.
I don't love you, Deanna.
You're weak.
You're helpless.
And frankly, you bore me.
Please, dirk,
what do you want me to do?
I want you to
get out of my life.
Cut!
What's next, cis?
Scene 11-a.
Deanna attempts suicide again.
10 minutes.
Whoa!
Forgive me, father.
Hey, Bob.
Hold up there,
wonder muffin. Hey.
What's up, Roy?
Ratings are up another 5.
Oh. Then you guys should
give me another raise.
Whoo!
Ow!
Actually, we've got
an entirely new contract
for you, Bob.
5 years exclusive
with dirk Drake
having his own
a-level story line,
20 minutes
guaranteed screen time
per episode.
Script approval?
That's a tall order, Bob.
When you're on your knees, Roy,
everything looks tall.
Remember that, eh?
Dirk Drake.
What a piece of shit
this script is.
I can't believe I spent
3 years at the royal academy
just so I could spew
this fucking garbage.
I'm a little busy, baby.
Do you mind?
What are you doing?
I'm working on my next scene.
Oh. Oh, I see.
You're preparing
using Stanislavsky's
famous horoscope method.
What's so funny?
You.
Oh, come on, muffin.
Take off your robe.
No.
What?
You defy me, Deanna?
I'll see you tonight, baby.
Oh, but I'm ready
right now, see?
Yes, you are.
You hold onto
that little monster,
and not too tightly.
Remember what happened
last time.
Hey.
That was
a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
I know it was, baby.
Come on, man,
get the hell on the set,
would you?
Yo, Nicky!
Nick, I got the beach boys.
We're ready.
Whenever you are, baby.
All right, guys.
Settle down.
Let's get quiet on the set,
please, Zee. Thank you.
All right, beach boys!
Settle down and listen up!
OK, guys. Here's
the shot, all right?
Now, Madonna
Is gonna come walking up
the center aisle, right?
As she passes you
and you see her,
you give a double-take,
all right?
Like, "whoa, Madonna."
Whoa, Madonna.
No, no, no.
I mean, don't say that,
but that's what you're
acting like, right?
OK, now, uh, first of all,
you guys on this side got to
angle this way, all right?
You guys over here,
angle this way.
You angle this way a little bit!
So, she walks by,
and make it big,
big double-take, all right?
Call rehearsal.
Rehearsal!
OK, ready and action.
And row one.
Row 2. Row 3.
And 4. And 5.
And the top.
Yeah, great, great.
Guys on the top,
that was excellent.
Way to go, brothers!
Good job, bro!
Thanks.
That's the way
we're gonna do it.
Exactly like that, only bigger.
Hey, man, make sure you
get a shot of my ass.
I've been working
on it all week.
Actually, he's right.
Make sure all the guys
in the front row
have the right kind of, uh
What?
The right kind of ass, right?
You know what I'm saying?
Can you take care of that?
All right, beach boys,
turn around!
Bring the lights closer.
Nice and romantic.
I want it very romantic.
Sahara, Sahara,
let's go, let's go.
Where is she?
I don't know, Blair.
Well, did she call?
Is anybody listening to me?
Did Sahara call?
No.
That's it.
I am angry.
I am very, very angry.
Kiki.
Kiki!
Yes? Yes?
Darling, are you afraid of dogs?
No.
Excellent.
Bring in the poodle!
Poodle!
Some things are dark
And some things are red
Light up that cigar, baby
And use your imagination
This is Bob Lattimer.
Leave a message.
Hi. It's me.
Listen, I was thinking
about our fight,
and I know that you feel bad
and I feel bad,
so I just wanted
to call and tell you
that I think
we can work this out.
If I said anything
to upset you, I'm sorry.
Really, I apologize.
As the crab Princess says
in the little mermaid,
"I wuv you."
And I want to see you
so please call me.
Come on, I'm not waiting
any fucking longer. Let's go.
Zee, help me out here, will ya?
Hey, man. How you doing?
I'm ready.
All right!
Stop playing house here!
I want quiet!
Bring in Madonna!
Madonna!
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, man, opie.
Get in the back.
Go to the back.
Come on, man.
Uh, you right there, come here.
Stand in his spot.
Why do I have to go in the back?
Why?
Because your ass looks like
a back with a line in it.
Go to the back
or get off the set!
Come on, man, move it!
Shit!
Let's go. All right,
we're gonna do this.
Don't forget to make it big.
Real, but big.
All right, call it, Zee.
All right, umbrellas!
Play back!
Roll those cameras!
Louder, louder!
Up, up! Come on!
Yeah!
Action!
Some girls,
they like candy
And others,
they like gripe
I'll settle for
the back of your hand
Somewhere on my behind
Treat me like
I'm a bad girl
Even when I'm
being good to you
I don't want you
to thank me
You can just
Whoo!
Some guys
like to sweet-talk
And others,
they like to tease
OK, cut, cut, cut,
cut, cut, cut. Cut!
All right, guys,
what the fuck, huh?
That's a cut!
What did I what
That was bigger?
You, you're so concerned
about your ass, huh?
Be concerned about
your acting, all right?
Tell the guy
in the blue speedo
Get in the fucking back!
Right now!
Hey, Bob, it's Joe.
I know you're probably
in bed shooting heroin
with some underwear model,
but if you want to have
a beer or something,
give me a call.
Hi. It's me.
Listen, I was thinking
about our fight,
and I know that you
feel bad and I feel bad
Hey. Are we
doing this or not?
You bet your ass we're doing it.
Are you sure?
Maybe you want to read
your mail next.
Deanna, beware the wrath
of dirk Drake.
Look out. Here I come.
All right,
now, what's with the crane, huh?
Zee, why isn't
the crane back to one?
Move the goddamn crane
back to one, all right?
Let's go!
You know, biff,
sometimes I just want
to rip my clothes off
in the middle of the set!
Beat the fuckin' shit out of
that asshole assistant director.
I mean, I could outbox, outrun,
and outkick his fucking ass,
and still I have to take orders
from all these stupid
sons of bitches
till I can't fucking
stand it no more.
Fuck!
Excuse me. Madonna?
Joe Finnegan.
You called me.
I tried calling right back,
but there was no answer
at the number you left.
You really thought
I was her, didn't you?
Oh, my god.
You look just like her.
I know. I've done her body work
for the last 2 videos.
Really?
What I really want to do
is get a contract
so I can be in all her videos
and maybe even her movies.
Especially now since the baby.
So where is she?
She did all her closeups
yesterday,
so she's probably
back in I.A.
Or Miami you know,
she spends a lot of time there.
But you know her, right?
And kick Kick
And punch And gouge
And kick.
OK, position Alpha.
I want to show you now
what to do
in the event that you
are attacked from behind.
This is very important, OK?
Does anybody want to volunteer?
Mary?
Come on.
OK, now, get behind me.
OK, now, I want you to wrap
your arms around me
as if you were going
to attack me from behind.
OK, go ahead.
My hands are free,
but it's going to be hard
to pull these arms off, right?
What's the next closest weapon?
Teeth, right? Bite.
At the same time,
bring up that right leg
and deliver a heel smash
to the instep.
So it's Aah Unh.
Right?
That heel smash
will open up this leg, OK,
creating the space here
in which I will deliver
an elbow to the stomach, OK?
Now, why don't you
assume that position?
OK?
Now, I'm going to grab you here.
Now give me the bite.
OK and then
the heel smash.
OK, that's gonna open me up
a little bit
and you're gonna give me the
Very good.
OK, try it again.
OK
All right
It's exciting.
Yeah, yeah, that's great.
Excuse me.
Very good.
Thanks a lot.
Nice talking to you.
Later.
Yeah, but what about aids, man?
Aids was created in a laboratory
by white Jewish scientists.
It was a conspiracy with the FBI
basically to annihilate
the power of the black nation.
Wow.
This is gonna blow your mind.
You know the holocaust?
Never happened.
Oh, man.
What about the stories
and pictures?
That shit is fake. It's
about as real as your hair.
Come on, look at this shit.
I read a book.
Page after page of proof
that said that the Jews made
the whole holocaust up.
Shit never happened.
You know, I think
I read that same book.
Remember the part about
slavery in America?
What part is that?
Where the guy proves that
all the African-Americans
that came here in the 1600s
actually wanted to come.
In fact, most of them
paid their own way.
What the fuck are you
talking about, man?
It's true. They heard
there were lots of jobs
picking cotton which
would lead to better jobs
as muggers and crackheads,
so they just rushed over.
Can you believe it?
Slavery never existed.
Man, that shit is not
even a little bit funny.
It's at least as funny
as what you said
about the holocaust,
don't you think?
How's this for funny, beach boy?
Why don't you get your pail
and get out of here?
You're fucking fired.
All right, everyone,
back to one!
I want silence!
Don't play with me today!
Just give me a minute, will you?
I already told you
it was the rubber.
Rubber's off now.
Damn right the rubber's off.
Well?
Hold on.
What do you think I am,
a machine?
Hey, what are you doing?
Come on, Kelly, get back here.
Get back into bed.
Listen, baby, I know these
things happen sometimes,
but I gotta know.
Can you do this or not?
Because if you can't,
I gotta get on the phone,
make some calls,
and find somebody who can.
Aw, what's the matter, baby,
I hurt your feelings?
Actually, Kelly,
you did hurt my feelings.
Christ, I mean,
I like you, right?
You make me feel like
I'm just a stiff piece of meat.
Mmm, well
Not so stiff really, right?
Just get the hell out of here.
You think I want to do this now
after what you just said?
You can't do it.
Get on the bed.
No.
What are you get off of me!
Fuck.
See you on set, dirk.
So, anybody need a ride?
I'm heading downtown.
No, thanks.
Where you going Mary?
Actually, I'm going downtown.
Great.
Anybody else
need a ride downtown?
OK.
It's a big car, ladies.
No takers?
Car's over
this way. Bye.
Bye, guys.
There you go.
Oh, thank you.
God damn it.
Mary?
Mary?
Where is she?
You know, Mary, I gotta say,
of all the women who have passed
through my classes
over the years,
you are by far
the most courageous
and committed.
Thanks, Doug. You're
You're a great teacher.
Everybody says so.
Oh, well
Yes and no, I mean, you know.
I mean, a teacher
can only do so much.
What does your boyfriend do?
Oh, my god
What the hell?
Jesus Christ.
I'm leaving, Deanna.
Oh, please, please
don't leave me.
I love you, dirk.
I love you.
That means nothing to me now.
You said you loved me.
I don't love you, Deanna.
You're weak, you're helpless.
And frankly, you bore me.
Ooh!
Please, dirk,
what do you want me to do?
I want you to get
out of my life.
What's she gonna do now?
Try suicide again?
Oh.
It looked like Bob on that TV.
Wow it is Bob.
Look at that.
And how long have
you guys been together?
6 years.
Jump back. Wow.
You're a real
married couple here.
Wow.
No.
I don't think either one of us
is interested in marriage.
You know something?
Your boyfriend is
a very, very lucky guy.
Thank you.
Mary Mary! Wait, Mary!
Baby, what's the matter?
Can I come in?
Of course. Of course.
Um, what's what's going on?
What what is it?
Well, I've been thinking a lot.
I feel it's important
to tell you.
I
To tell me what?
Look, I know I've been, um
No, Bob, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
I have, all right.
And I feel, um
I feel
What? What
do you feel?
What, baby?
Ohh
Ohh
Ohh
Oh, it's OK.
Did they pay you?
No. But for me,
it was worth it.
Oh, that's great, Joe.
That's great.
You get your first
paying acting job ever,
and you blow it all with
some stupid comment.
That sounds worth it.
I don't want
to sound funny, Mary,
but a lecture is the last
thing I need right now.
Hey, Joe, do you think
just once you could
lift the toilet seat
when you take a leak?
What do you mean just once?
I always lift it.
You never do it.
Come look at this.
There's piss all over the seat.
There is not.
Come look!
I'm not gonna go in there
and look at a drop of piss
on a toilet seat.
You admit it!
I do not! Would you
get off my case?
What's the matter with you?
I'm not on your case.
You're just in a bad mood
because you know you
did something stupid.
What, you're going to bed?
It appears that way.
Is there something on your mind?
Well, it just struck me
that we haven't made
love for over a month.
Well, it's not my fault.
Oh, well, it's not my fault.
Joe, you have been
very depressed lately.
No, I haven't.
You just told me yesterday
you felt like your life
was going nowhere.
So?
I can feel that way
and not be depressed.
Well, it's very hard on me
dealing with your moods
all the time.
It's very hard on me
wearing the rubber all the time.
It's not all the time.
It certainly seems like it.
Fine! We won't use it.
I'll just get pregnant.
Is that what you want?
Why is it every time I say
I don't want to use a rubber
you accuse me of wanting
to get you pregnant?
You said you wanted
to have a baby.
Not right now.
When?
Let's just stop this
discussion right now!
I'm in a bad mood.
You're in a bad mood.
We're stopping.
I've stopped.
You make some money and maybe
we'll talk about having a kid.
Why does it always come
down to money with you?
Because you don't have any,
and let's face it, Joe,
I know you're trying
to make it as an actor,
but you work as a waiter.
You still don't
even have an agent.
I know I don't have an agent!
You think I don't know that?
Don't yell at me.
Well, don't talk to me
like I'm a fucking idiot!
You think I like
being broke all the time?
You think I like
wearing that cheap tuxedo,
serving up salmon
in greasy, cheesy sauce?
You think I like kissing
Dee Dee Taylor's ass
so she can get me a job
standing around
in my bathing suit?
Which you bought?
How do you think
that makes me feel? Huh?
Joe, I'm sorry, OK?
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
OK? Come here.
No.
I know how hard
it is on you, Joe.
But it's hard on me, too.
I feel like everything's
on my shoulders.
I feel like I'm all alone.
I know.
I've got to ask Ernst
for more work.
That's all there is to it.
I've got to find some way
to make some more money.
Joe, come here.
Joe, I love you whether
you have money or not.
I don't want to argue with you.
I came home tonight and
I really wanted to see you.
You go out and have
a drink after class?
No, class went
a little later tonight
and I hopped in a cab
and came home.
You took a cab?
Yeah. I just wanted
to get home.
That makes sense.
Hey, Mary, look at this.
Look at this woman's underwear.
See how it's all sleek and Lacy?
How it accentuates
every part of her body
and presents it like
a beautiful piece of candy?
What's the matter?
Nothing.
I'm just listening.
You got a funny look
on your face.
I'm just waiting for you
to make your point.
Well, my point is, compare
that to men's underwear
which is white,
cotton, shapeless.
Essentially a diaper.
What do you think that's saying?
All men are babies?
I'm trying to be
serious here, Mary.
I think this is
an important statement
about the relationship
between men and women.
Good. I think you should
write a book about it
and then maybe you
can tour the country
lecturing at lingerie stores.
Thanks a lot, Mary.
That's very funny.
I still need the rent.
I'm picking my check up
from Ernst today.
I might be a little bit
late tonight
'cause I've got an audition.
For what?
Some movie.
Dee Dee Taylor called me in.
Well, good luck.
So I guess we're
still fighting, huh?
I'm not fighting.
What, no kiss good-bye?
I had an abortion.
So what?
Dirk, how can you be so cruel?
I'm not cruel,
Deanna, I'm honest.
And I know exactly what you are.
I want to go.
No, you don't.
I want
You want me.
That's what you want.
Cut! Cut! Cut!
Bob, it's all about energy, man.
When you grab her,
I need to see energy.
What the fuck do you mean?
Cis, be so kind as to tell him
what the fuck I mean.
Louder, Carl? Is that
what you're saying?
God-fucking-damn it.
I'm coming down.
God damn it!
Jesus Christ!
This is what I'm talking about.
You grab her
like this Hard.
She feels it, you feel it.
She's turned on. She's
like a hunted animal.
Suddenly, you pull her
to you like this.
Oh, I like that.
Rip her blouse.
Wardrobe!
Let her know it's sex right now
whether she wants it or not.
OK, Shakespeare?
Go nuts.
And
Action.
I had an erection.
I mean, abortion.
Abortion.
All right, all right.
Come on, Bob.
I said action.
Action!
What the fuck's wrong with him?
Aw, bloody Christ.
Bob? Bob! Bob!
I'm off the show, Roy.
No contract, no nothing.
Party's over, that's it.
Bob, Bob, Bob,
you're making way too much
out of this, man.
You got a little
jammed up, that's all.
It happens to everybody.
No, we've got a big,
big problem here,
and I can tell you
exactly where it is.
All right, it's Carl.
You want a new director?
No, it is dirk and Deanna.
Their story is stalled.
They keep going in circles,
saying the same things
over and over.
They're not real.
There's no movement.
No development.
All right, OK. You want
development, no problem.
Here we go.
OK, they
They get married!
Right?
So we do the whole ceremony
And the wedding night
Hot tub Baby oil
You with me?
See? You want development,
you got it.
You see
I'd go in exactly
the opposite direction.
Think about this, Roy.
The next time Deanna
attempts suicide
It works.
Ha ha ha ha!
That would be funny.
Christ, she talks
about it enough.
Every single episode.
She
She kills herself?
She kills herself.
She kills herself.
Uh-huh.
God
I can't believe
how simple that was.
Hey, good idea, Roy.
Thanks for thinking
about it, eh?
I mean it.
Kelly?
All right, what is
the meter reading?
The meter says 11.
Yeah. And the the face?
I want the faces
to look all right.
I know I can feel it.
Can you?
Yes.
Mary, it was telling me
to just get away
and spend some
quality time with me.
Oh, your favorite person.
Yeah.
With myself.
Yes, yes, yes.
I told you that I'm
a very spiritual person.
Mm-hmm.
Today my horoscope said,
"you will look within,
and that which was lost
will be regained."
Oh.
I've regained something, Mary.
Someone.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
That guy you went
rollerblading with?
What?
You know, who hit you
with his elbow?
Oh! Oh, that
was an accident.
Besides, love
is never perfect, Mary.
I've learned that, and
I'm a much happier person.
Sahara, darling, I need you
out here immediately.
Let me see the proof.
Where are you gonna put
8 1/2.
Will everyone please be quiet?
I want absolute quiet
in this room right now.
This is not a game.
We are not playing here.
I'm sorry to be yelling,
but I am very angry.
Not at you, my darlings,
you are magnificent,
both of you.
All right, let's shoot.
All right
Yes, yes, love.
Sensual
Good, Rubio.
Almost there.
And the stomach, stomach.
Give me those nice,
tight, chunky abs.
That's it, that's it.
Good.
All right Eternity.
Good
Eternal love.
Almost, almost
Keep going. Give me more.
Give me abs.
Chunky abs, let's go.
Tighter, tighter, tighter
Oh, my god.
Oh, dios!
Rubio, what's the matter?
What is it?
What happened?
What's the matter?
He says he is deeply,
deeply ashamed.
He's never, ever
released the gas
in front of a woman before.
Rubio. Rubio.
It's OK, really.
It's OK.
I don't mind.
Come here, baby.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
Oh, Rubio, I love you.
Rubio, no care.
Do you understand?
No care. No care, baby.
Ohh
Clear. Clear.
Mr. Bob
Clean, press, hang, no box.
Ah, you're the best, Chang.
I know it.
Here, I've got
something for you.
Oh, no
Mr. Bob!
My old tuxedo.
Come on. I told you I was
going to give it to you.
Just take it, will you?
Will you sign?
What?
Your name.
Sign your name here.
Chang, I'm not going to sign
a fucking tuxedo.
Oh, yes, Mr. Bob,
you will sign.
Souvenir, remember?
Ah ha ha ha!
Hey, Bob!
Hey!
Hey!
How are you?
Look at you!
Look at all this money!
How are you, man?
I'm great.
You get my message?
You never fucking
called me, you bastard.
Yes. I was gonna call you,
but I've been so busy
with this goddamn soap.
Oh, yeah. It's going
pretty well, huh?
Can't complain, yeah.
Just signed
a 5-year contract today.
That's great. 5 years.
What about you?
Still doing the catering?
Yeah. I'm picking up
my tux right now,
and, uh
Check it out.
What's that?
I did a Madonna video.
She called me at home.
I've been trying
to call her back,
but I haven't been
able to get through.
Ha ha ha!
What?
What, you don't believe me?
Come over to my house.
Right now. Come on.
Let's go. I'll play
the message for you.
I saved the tape.
Hey, that was this chick I know.
She does a great
Madonna imitation.
I said, "hey, call my buddy Joe.
Say you're Madonna,
leave a fake number."
I didn't think
she was going to do it.
That was you?
Yeah. Hey, I'm sorry.
I thought you'd get
a kick out of it.
I'm really sorry.
No.
We should get together sometime.
Yeah, definitely,
let's get together.
Right.
I'll give you a call.
Hey, you look good, man.
Hey, likewise.
Hey
I might be getting married.
Have you been back
to class since then?
Well, yeah, but I can
barely look at him.
I'm still so furious.
Mary, I'm wondering if
This enormous anger
you have toward Doug
is not somewhat misplaced.
What do you mean?
Well, should he be
so harshly condemned
simply for finding you
sexually desirable?
Well, should I
be grateful to him
for wanting to kiss me,
is that what you're saying?
Mary, I know this is
a sensitive subject for you,
but please try to remember
I'm on your side.
I do believe that you do
indeed have some difficulty
in accepting yourself
as a beautiful, sexually
desirable young woman.
Dr. Leuter, would you
please stop saying that?
Why?
Well honestly,
it's just a little weird
hearing it from
my therapist, that's all.
Yes, I am your therapist, Mary,
but I am also a man, and
I would be lying to you
if I said that I didn't
have impulses as both.
Do you think my lying to you
would be beneficial?
No.
In truth, I've entertained
sexual thoughts about you
many times during our meetings.
Dr. Leuter
Let me finish, please.
OK.
In fact, just a moment ago
while you were speaking.
And while I was utterly
and professionally engaged
in what you were saying,
part of me was imagining
what your breasts
would feel like
naked in my hands.
I think I better leave.
Mary, sit down, please.
Mary, please!
It is imperative that you
confront this issue!
Mary!
Mary.
What, you got friends
all over the fucking place?
Yes, I have friends
as a matter of fact.
Come here.
I am not your fucking dog!
- Oh!
- Hey!
Oh, my god.
I'm not gonna fucking
tell you again.
Hey! Take it easy!
You don't have to hit her.
Who the fuck shut
the fuck up, asshole!
I'm the asshole, huh?
You're the asshole, pal.
I'm an asshole?
Oh, my god!
Want to get shot, motherfucker?
Huh, fuckface?
You want to get shot?
Go ahead, shoot me!
You brave, motherfucker?
Go ahead! Do it!
Go ahead! Shoot
the whole fucking world!
We don't care! Go ahead!
Lisa!
Come on, baby!
I'm sorry!
Excuse me, Ernst?
What is it?
You're probably going
to want to fire me,
but somehow I have
lost my bow tie.
Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Moses.
I've looked everywhere for it.
It must have fallen
out of my bag.
Well, I know you're
really short tonight,
and I feel terrible.
Come here, Joe.
This is called a four-in-hand.
Do you know how to tie it?
No, sir.
Mine was a clip-on.
Are you on for
the lunch tomorrow?
No. I wasn't told.
Put it in your book.
Thank you, Ernst.
I'll make sure
I have my own tie.
Keep this one.
Looks better on you.
And hit.
And hit.
OK, um, got about a minute left.
Chantal, why don't you
come up to the front?
Doug, could someone else go?
I don't feel that good today.
Oh, Chantal, your rrq
is one of the lowest
in the class.
I really feel right now
if we go for it
we can probably
bring you up 25 points.
What do you say?
OK, now, just relax.
Come on, big mama.
I got something for you
right here, big mama.
It's all yours, big mama.
Come on. Come on.
OK. OK. OK.
It's all right.
Are you all right?
Mmm.
It's OK. Go on back.
Class remember,
tears are an entirely
appropriate response.
OK?
Mary, why don't you come up?
How have you been?
Good.
You seem a little upset
about something? You OK?
Never better.
Good. So why
don't you turn around
and show me that sweet
little cupcake ass of yours?
Come on.
Unh!
1, 2, 3, 4!
Unh!
Aah!
Oh!
And a knee to the groin!
Ohh!
Mary! Mary! Mary!
I had an abortion.
So what?
Dirk, how can you be so cruel?
I'm not cruel,
Deanna, I'm honest.
And here
I brought you something.
I love you, dirk.
Good-bye.
Oh, my god.
She finally did it.
Shit.
Hi, I'm Joe Finnegan.
I have a 7:45.
They just
took the 8:00.
Sorry.
You're going to have to wait.
Joe?
Joe?
Joe?
Hi, Mary. It's Sahara.
You're not gonna believe this,
but I think I'm getting married.
I know it's crazy,
but I'm in love.
OK, give me call.
OK, bye.
Joe and Mary, quite contrary,
some might call
them adversaries,
none the less, I must confess;
she's the one I love the best.
I'll see you tonight.
Good night. Great script.
Really cool.
Thanks, Dee Dee.
Big kiss. Big one.
See you, Larry.
See you later.
Great to see you, Lawrence.
Next, please!
Finnegan.
Who's this guy?
Ah, Joe Finnegan.
I told you I thought
you should see him.
I'd like 2 white wines
and a bloody Mary.
Frankly, pal, so would I.
Joe, why are you
wearing a tuxedo?
Sorry, miss Taylor.
I just got off work.
I didn't have time to change.
Joe, most of these parts
are already cast,
but since you are the last one,
we are going to let you read
the Nick and Shelley scene.
Now, that is Tina. She's going
to be reading with you.
Hey, I know you.
The Madonna video.
Don't you remember?
You thought
I really was Madonna.
Oh, my god, you look
completely different.
You changed your hair.
Yeah, I'm back to my real color.
OK, OK
It's fairly simple.
You are a serial killer.
A very sexy serial killer.
She thinks that you love killing
more than you love her
so she grabs the gun
that you have just used to kill
her father and mother
and sister and brother
I I still don't think
the brother. It's too much.
We need the brother.
He's symbolic.
Would you two please
just mind saving this?
I will make this decision,
all right?
Anytime you're ready.
I love you, Shelley.
Give me the gun.
No. You don't love me.
I do.
Tell me one thing
that you love about me.
Tell me.
I love your hair
I love your breath,
your skin, your eyes
I love your smile, your touch
I love the way you
fall asleep at night
Holding my finger.
Please
Please
Give me the gun.
Changed some of
the lines there, Joe.
I'm sorry. I got
a little lost. Thanks.
No, no. Wait, wait.
I'll just ask, of course.
Well, find out.
Joe, we'd like to see
Something else now.
Something, um
With a little different tone.
Right now?
Anything.
We just want to get
some idea of your range.
Do you have anything, Joe?
You know, biff
Sometimes, I just
Want to rip my clothes off
in the middle of that store
and outbox that goddamn
merchandise manager.
I mean, I can outbox
Outrun, and outlift
anybody in that store.
But still I have to take
orders from those
Common, petty sons of bitches
till I can't stand it anymore.
You see, biff
Everybody around me
Is so false
I'm constantly lowering
my ideals.
Oh, my god.
Well Brilliant.
Ah, you see?
I told you my instincts
were never wrong.
That was very good, Joe.
Very, very good.
Bravo!
Hey, I just got
a part in a movie.
I still can't believe it.
My first part in a movie.
They all loved you, Joe.
You were so great.
I was great? Well,
you know, you were great.
I mean, I don't know why
you're not acting in it.
No, I'm not an actress,
Joe. I know that now.
What about standing in
for Madonna?
Blond, black, back to blond,
my hair couldn't
take it anymore.
I think your hair
looks great this way.
Yeah. I think
it looks great.
I wanted to do that all night.
Hey, I just got
a part in a movie.
That's incredible.
A friend told me
about this place.
You see all these waitresses?
They're all models.
All of them.
All high-class models.
Mmm!
You are so sexy, Joe!
I want you right now.
Oh, Tina, I want you, too.
When you said those things
you loved about me,
it felt like
you really meant it,
like like you were
really talking to me.
Wow, this is crazy.
I know. Let's go back
to my place.
No. Boy, I'd
really like to, but
I like you, too, Joe.
No, no, I mean I gotta go.
You gotta go?
I'm sorry, Tina.
I will you be all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm I'm
gonna be all right.
It's good to see you again, Joe.
You, too, Tina.
Mary?
Joe.
I got the part.
Did you?
A part in a film.
And there's money.
Joe!
Joe, that's fantastic.
Joe!
Joe!
Joe
Do I have a sexual problem?
Are you crazy?
Dr. Leuter said
I had a sexual problem
because I didn't want to hear
his fantasies about me.
What fantasies?
He said he was a man
and he wondered what my
breasts would feel like
naked in his hands.
Well, I'm a man,
and he's gonna wonder
what my fist feels like
naked in his face.
Joe
You don't think I have
a sexual problem?
Hell, no.
But even you said
I wasn't spontaneous.
Well, did I?
Oh, come on, Mary,
I meant both of us.
You're still attracted to me?
Of course I am.
We haven't made love
in over 2 months.
I know that.
You kidding?
I'm very aware of that.
Maybe you're
not attracted to me.
How can you say that?
Maybe you're attracted to guys
like your self-defense teacher
and his big, fancy BMW.
Joe, I am very attracted to you.
I am very, very, very
attracted to you, Mary.
I am very, very, very
attracted to you, Joe.
Oh, Mary!
What are you doing?
Oh, god!
Jesus
Christ.
Joe, you were incredible.
Me? What about you?
Little rabbit.
Little sex rabbit.
Carrot boy.
Whoo.
Whoo.
Wow.
Hey, how did you know
my teacher had a BMW?
Does he?
Yeah.
Lucky guess.
Sorry about the rubber.
Think we'll be OK?
I don't know.
I hope so.
Good morning.
How do you like your eggs, baby?
Over easy.
All righty.
Over easy it is.
Everything's going to be
easy from here on out.
And you know what I've decided?
For the wedding,
I'm going to go back
to my real color.
Brunette, again.
I haven't been
a brunette in years.
Besides
It's the real me, anyway.
And who more would you
want than the real me?
Nothing more than
just absolutely me.
I feel so comfortable with you
I just cannot believe it.
I'm just so excited
about this wedding
Buddy.