The Simpsons: Welcome to the Club (2022) Movie Script
[thunderclap]
This is it, Lis.
They're gonna make you
an actual Disney princess.
If that's what you really want?
Let's see, a lifetime
of competition and anxiety as me,
versus being totally taken care of?
Tough choice. Tough choice.
[Loki growls]
Growl.
I wanna be a princess.
You've got the job.
[Loki's voice] First step's a killer.
[giggles, gasps]
[Lisa humming]
[grunts, screams]
It is I, Loki, making another
contractually obligated appearance.
Though my powers are no match
for the accountants
at Disney business affairs.
[shudders]
Merchandising. So beneath me.
[screams, grunts]
[footsteps approaching]
Who's that?
-Oh, thank heavens. Snow White?
-[wolf howls]
Close enough.
I poisoned her.
-Join the club!
-Come on. Be a villain!
Join us. [hisses]
No, I'm not a villain.
Oh, come on.
Villains are fun.
[cackles]
Besides, Disney gets rid of princesses
as soon as they're 20.
It's a fact.
[sobs] I was 19 and three-quarters. Union!
And we villains get
to sing diabolical tunes,
which become drag show favorites.
Who wants to be a pretty girl
In a fancy dress
When you can be an octopus
Who makes a mess
That sap Prince Charming
He's such a schnook
Ladies prefer a man with a hook
Not the face! Not the face!
Thank you.
You don't get an invitation
-So create a conflagration
-[children laughing]
-[screaming]
-Seems a little extreme.
When your brother wrecks your toys
You can slice the heads off boys
Cool!
But don't you villains always die?
Depressing kid.
It beats living happily-ever-after
With some boring guy
Bring on the princes
We are predictable
Dull as linen
We seem to kiss unconscious women
Same white teeth
Same fluffy hair
Big strapping chests
But nothing up there
We seem super handsome
But here are the facts
When we come on-screen
Kids leave to get snacks
We'll screw up the world's affairs
You stay home and crank out heirs
Life with me will not be easy
You're better off with Doc and Sneezy
Aren't you forgetting someone?
And don't say narcissistic.
-[princes] Sorry, Mickey!
-[prince 1] Don't hurt us.
-[prince 2] Won't happen again!
-[prince 3] Have you lost weight?
-[chattering]
-Shh!
This is it, Lis.
They're gonna make you
an actual Disney princess.
If that's what you really want?
Let's see, a lifetime
of competition and anxiety as me,
versus being totally taken care of?
Tough choice. Tough choice.
[Loki growls]
Growl.
I wanna be a princess.
You've got the job.
[Loki's voice] First step's a killer.
[giggles, gasps]
[Lisa humming]
[grunts, screams]
It is I, Loki, making another
contractually obligated appearance.
Though my powers are no match
for the accountants
at Disney business affairs.
[shudders]
Merchandising. So beneath me.
[screams, grunts]
[footsteps approaching]
Who's that?
-Oh, thank heavens. Snow White?
-[wolf howls]
Close enough.
I poisoned her.
-Join the club!
-Come on. Be a villain!
Join us. [hisses]
No, I'm not a villain.
Oh, come on.
Villains are fun.
[cackles]
Besides, Disney gets rid of princesses
as soon as they're 20.
It's a fact.
[sobs] I was 19 and three-quarters. Union!
And we villains get
to sing diabolical tunes,
which become drag show favorites.
Who wants to be a pretty girl
In a fancy dress
When you can be an octopus
Who makes a mess
That sap Prince Charming
He's such a schnook
Ladies prefer a man with a hook
Not the face! Not the face!
Thank you.
You don't get an invitation
-So create a conflagration
-[children laughing]
-[screaming]
-Seems a little extreme.
When your brother wrecks your toys
You can slice the heads off boys
Cool!
But don't you villains always die?
Depressing kid.
It beats living happily-ever-after
With some boring guy
Bring on the princes
We are predictable
Dull as linen
We seem to kiss unconscious women
Same white teeth
Same fluffy hair
Big strapping chests
But nothing up there
We seem super handsome
But here are the facts
When we come on-screen
Kids leave to get snacks
We'll screw up the world's affairs
You stay home and crank out heirs
Life with me will not be easy
You're better off with Doc and Sneezy
Aren't you forgetting someone?
And don't say narcissistic.
-[princes] Sorry, Mickey!
-[prince 1] Don't hurt us.
-[prince 2] Won't happen again!
-[prince 3] Have you lost weight?
-[chattering]
-Shh!