The Slumber Party (2023) Movie Script
Oh, watch out!
Hey, I'm Megan Bernadette Brookman.
And before you even ask,
yes, you did just see
three teenagers riding a giant hedgehog.
So I'm sure you have a lot of questions
like, "Hey, Megs,
how did you lose your eyebrow?"
Honestly, I wish I knew.
So let's just start at the beginning
and hopefully we'll find
all the answers we're looking for.
That's Anna Maria,
the birthday girl.
She's my best friend and the reason
I'm currently flailing mid air
toward a smelly dumpster.
High school starts in one week
and there's no way
I could do it without her.
Anna Maria.
Your dad's here to see you.
Please excuse her teen angst.
She's going through a lot right now.
This is my other best friend, Paige.
See you tomorrow, Shroomy.
She's fearless and loyal.
In second grade,
when Mia Thomas bullied me
for not having a mom,
Paige convinced her
to cut off her own ponytail at recess.
Mikey, I need a ride.
Not happening.
Fine. Don't be surprised
when Mom finds out
who prank-called Grandma
and told her she won the lottery.
Get in the truck.
This is Veronica.
Our friendship is fairly recent.
Hey, this is me.
But seriously.
How cute am I with symmetrical eyebrows?
I tend to overthink things.
Some would call me cautious.
I just like to be comfortable.
Who doesn't?
But I'm working on it.
I do not wanna bring the limitations
of my youth to high school.
Okay. Now you're like,
"Geez, Megs. You really know yourself
for only being 14."
Yeah. Well, self-awareness
is kind of a given
when both your parents are therapists.
Dad. Why are you calling me
from downstairs?
Oh, just making sure
your phone's charged.
Paige is here.
- I know I'll be right down.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- Love you.
The grasshopper phone.
According to my parents,
screen time is more harmful
than being the only teenager in Atlanta
without a smartphone.
This little device
is powered by sheer humiliation,
which is why no one has ever seen
this phone of shame
and no one ever will.
Love what you've done
with the place, Conrad.
Dr. Brookman. And thank you, Paige.
Hey, Paige.
Hey, Megs.
- Bye, Dads.
- Mmm. Remember to make good choices.
You are strong. You are smart.
You can do hard things.
Man. Do you guys always speak
in inspirational quotes?
You're like the clearance aisle
at Home Goods.
Have the most fun ever.
But not too much.
Auditions for freshman flute solos
are next week.
Flutiful. Really?
I knew she would love it.
Pretty sure my dads
would call an Amber Alert
if they knew your brother was driving us.
Relax. He's allowed to drive siblings,
and you're basically like a sister to me.
So it's cool.
Hey!
Respect the ride, thank you very much.
Okay, cool. Thanks.
Seriously?
Knock it off, turd!
Oh, my God.
It's Jake Ramirez and his perfect teeth.
Oh, my gosh. He's wearing
his famous skull hoodie.
I bet it smells like him.
Did you see that? His teeth are like
toothpaste commercial teeth.
Plus he's a whole year older
than us at school.
So he's basically a grown man.
Okay, Megs. Be cool.
Do not stare.
Can you hear me?
Your skirt is caught in the door. Hello?
Your skirt is stuck in the door.
Your skirt's caught in the door!
Oh, my gosh!
Didn't you hear me saying
your skirt was caught in the door?
It's... Okay. It's fine. It's fine.
I'm sure no one saw.
I've tried to...
I just...
I can't keep having this c...
- Please, you talk to her.
- I know. I've tried.
- She's your daughter t...
- I've tried so many times.
- How many times do I have to explain...
- Mija, we talked about this.
Veronica is going to be your stepsister.
Now, she seems like a really sweet girl,
so I appreciate you including her
in your slumber party tonight.
Is this a joke?
Isn't it bad enough
he's getting remarried on my birthday?
Oh, mi amorcita, please. Look, we tried.
We tried to find any other date.
This is the only one
that the venue had available
before your new baby sister is born.
Don't remind me.
The last thing I need
is another little sister.
Hey.
Your father having this baby
is a real blessing.
At his age, it's more like a miracle.
Well, she's not wrong.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Uh, I will drop Veronica off
a-after her park our lesson.
- Whoa.
- And thank you very much, Anna,
for keeping your park our comments
to yourself.
And I will be by early tomorrow
to pick you up
for our annual birthday hike.
Don't bother. I'm not going.
Hey, we go every year.
- Well, not this year.
- Anna, that's enough.
Well, why should he have
anything stay the same
when he's the one
making everything different?
Hey, who is the parent around here? Hmm?
You keep this up and you are not
gonna like what happens next.
- Okay, viejo, reljate, please.
- You let her...
Haven't you been reading
those gentle parenting books...
No, cllate.
You don't talk about
our daughter that way.
Can you both just stop?
You can force me to go to your wedding.
You can even force me
to have your new kid at my party,
but you can't force me
to go on some stupid hike
on my birthday.
Anna
Why'd you do that? Obviously
they're in the middle of something.
Because I was ready for it
to be the end of something.
- Hello, girls.
- Hey, Mr. Guerrero.
For a second, I forgot
you don't live here anymore.
Sorry.
I have pants in my bag.
Okay.
Have fun, girls.
- What just happened? What'd I miss?
- Nothing.
Just some minor, unnecessary awkwardness.
Welcome to the casa de Guerrero.
That's our specialty.
- Let's do our warm-up.
- What are you doing?
Let us be your personal trainers today.
If there was an offbeat,
you're, like, offbeat the offbeat.
Guys, how is clapping and walking so hard?
Seriously, this was not my plan
for our epic night.
We're just getting warmed up.
Literally.
I'm done.
All right,
birthday girl says we're done.
Ooh, give me the Oreos.
New shoes? Those are awesome.
Thanks. Guilt gift from my mom.
- Well, I mean, they are Jordan 3s.
- True, true.
Come on, guys.
We need to do something big.
We're in high school now.
What if we break into West Oak and free
those baby ducks from the science lab?
- You're obsessed with those baby ducks.
- Oh, my gosh.
What if we connected the shopping carts
at Target together with zip ties
like a giant, red centipede?
Ooh, remember when Mikey
woke us up at 2:00 a.m.
to help him fill
your sister's car with watermelon?
When did we do that?
You guys had a sleepover without me.
Whi... Which is fine.
It's... It's totally fine.
It was a long time ago.
We were going to Six Flags
the next morning, and we know
- how you feel about Six Flags.
- Exactly.
Does anybody truly enjoy
being at Six Flags?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay. It was one time.
I didn't know the drop
was gonna be that big.
And technically, I didn't even ask them
to stop the ride.
They just got all worried
when all the crying stopped
and they thought I was dead.
How many other things
do you guys do without me?
Not that many.
"Not that many"? What does that mean?
Look. Megan.
- Megs.
- Megsters.
Meggie Poo.
Don't take this the wrong way.
You're kinda scared to try new things.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wait, what?
My dads are therapists.
I've been talking about this
since I was four.
You know, but tonight?
Tonight's gonna be different.
Tonight, I'm gonna get out
of my comfort zone.
Try new things.
Anna Maria, we're gonna forget
all about your dad and the beast-troll.
And, Paige, we're gonna make
a name for you
before we even step on campus.
Okay. We're gonna be so ready
for freshman year.
- You're serious?
- Oh, yeah.
Tonight's gonna be epic.
Let's see. We could do
Learn Hip-Hop with Brian Austin Green
or watch a movie called Tommy Boy.
No more TV.
- I say we TP Jake Ramirez's house.
- Yeah.
Jake... Jake-Jake who?
I've never heard of him.
- Let's go.
- What?
No, no, no, no.
Please. No, no, no. We're not doing this.
- Whoa.
- Oh, so you're coming with us?
- Awesome. Perfect.
- Come on.
- No. No, no, no!
- Okay, let's go. Whoo-hoo!
Hell yeah! Let's do this.
What are we doing? Do we need a sweater?
I chill easily.
Sorry I'm late, gals.
My park our lesson ran long.
And high.
And low.
Get it?
It's a park our pun.
- Ooh.
- I'm good.
Just a little spill.
- What in the park our?
- I'm Veronica.
I'm sure Anna Maria
has told you all about me.
I'm her favorite new stepsister.
- Her dad just dropped me off.
- Which isn't weird at all.
Exactly. He's the best.
And, technically,
you're not my stepsister until tomorrow,
so let's not jump the gun.
They could still
totally change their minds.
No way. They are all over each other.
Right Anna Maria?
Any way you can stop saying
my name in an accent?
It makes me want to die a little.
So, where do you go to school?
- I'm homeschooled.
- Explains a lot.
Great.
Now the Three Amigos
are more like the Freakish Foursome.
Hey, Veronica. Why don't you unpack
and make yourself at home
while we sidebar with the birthday girl?
Oh, sure. Absolutely. Sounds good.
Maybe you could tell her
she's doing long-term damage
to my self-esteem.
- What?
- Uh... Dude, harsh much?
Tonight was supposed to just be us.
It's my birthday.
Okay. We hear you,
and your feelings are valid.
- Thank you.
- But is this
what the rest of the night's
gonna be like?
Because I haven't felt this awkward
since that substitute forced me
to write a Mother's Day card.
Oh, man. I remember that.
I'm sure Mr. Quan is enjoying
his early retirement.
Let's feel all of these feelings in here.
But out there, let's have some fun.
I know. You guys are right.
- Okay. Good.
- Nice.
Even if Veronica's stealing my dad
and crashing my slumber party.
Okay. So we're still feeling things.
I don't want a stepmother or a stepsister
or a baby half-sister.
I just want one mom with one dad
and one annoying little sister,
like a normal family.
What's that supposed to mean?
You know, you're talking
to someone with two dads, right?
Yeah.
You know, and I am the "baby half-sister"
in my family.
My mom's been married, like,
three or four times.
So maybe we're not
the target demo for this.
I-I didn't mean it like that.
Well, then, how did you mean it?
I just meant that I wanna be
in a regular family again.
Okay. Well, that clears things up.
- All good?
- So good.
Yeah. Totally better now.
Cool. Yeah.
Seems like it.
- You psychopath!
- Who even does that?
You're gonna grow up
to be one of those people
who dresses up like a bush
and scares tourists for a living.
A girl can dream.
Penny, what do you even want?
And whatever it is, no.
I just want to hang out. Be included.
I could film your posts or tell jokes.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta. Get out. Hard pass.
Come on, please?
It's not fair. Why do you guys
always leave me out?
Because you can't keep your mouth shut.
And this is a slumber party,
which is based
on the foundation of secrets.
I can keep a secret.
I never told anybody
you once farted so loud in church
that you woke yourself up.
You did kind of just spill the beans.
- Pun intended.
- Penny.
I'm gonna give you three seconds
to get out of this basement
before I lock you in the storage room
for the rest of the night.
And I'll tell Mom that we're including you
when she asks where you are.
Like you could even.
- Oh, I'll help her.
- Me too.
I can remove the light bulbs in there.
One.
Two.
Three!
This isn't over. You'll be sorry!
What do you mean I didn't get a callback?
They're going in a different
direction. I don't know what else to say.
- It's okay.
- Come on, Lenny.
I have a BFA in Dramatic Performance.
I went to the Cincinnati Conservatory.
I put the "dream" in
Midsummer Night's Dream.
I know you did. You're a star.
I can't keep doing these birthday parties
for the rest of my life.
You'll get the next one.
Don't worry.
I gotta spread my thespian wings and fly.
And you will.
Ah, shoot.
Lenny, I-I gotta go.
No, you didn't get
a callback this time.
This time.
Like I got a callback last time?
Because I didn't.
Did it ever occur to you
how I-lucky you are
to have me as a client, Lenny?
Yeah.
Wait till I get my turn.
This what I got in me.
Better that I let it out!
Mesmer the hypnotist has arrived!
Whoa.
I'm here for your birthday party
performance
show thing.
Are you the birthday girl?
Hypnotist? That stuff isn't real.
Unless you can hypnotize my sister
to punch herself in the face?
All right. Look, kid,
invite me in, or I'll use my magic
to make you grow a mustache
that your mother won't let you bleach.
Mom!
Oh, hey. Yeah, Veronica told me.
Uh, come on in.
They're down in the basement.
Oh, but I'm sure
you already knew that, right?
I'm a hypnotist, not a fortune teller.
And yes, I did.
Oh. Okay.
Prepare to be shocked and amazed!
Ta-da! My gift for my soon-to-be
stepsister has arrived.
I am The Magnificent Mesmer.
Master of hypnosis.
Shut up!
Okay. I'm actually down with hypnotism.
I don't know, guys.
I saw this documentary on Netflix
about a woman who was hypnotized,
and she never went back to normal.
- You guys go ahead.
- Come on.
Yeah, it's my birthday.
Silence!
Shall we begin?
Welcome.
If you're open to my talents,
I'll help you explore the hidden depths
of your subconscious.
Jake Ramirez.
Paige!
Yeah, Jake.
Follow my direction
to expand your mind
and challenge your preconceptions.
Eyes closed
or the magic doesn't work.
Tonight, I want you to live
your best lives.
Be your most authentic selves,
void of inhibitions
and self-consciousness.
Live, laugh, love,
until I call the birthday girl later
with the trigger word.
That word will snap you out
of your hypnosis,
and you will remember everything.
Are there any questions?
- Yes...
- No.
Follow the sound of my voice.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Step, touch. Here we go.
Give me a little snap.
- Are y'all feeling good?
- Yes!
Now add a clap!
That heartbeat!
Can you hear my heart beat?
- Yeah!
- We're gonna travel back.
And travel. Little steps.
Oh, my gosh.
What did we do last night?
Morning.
No.
Megan Bernadette Brookman,
you are not missing an eyebrow.
You are not missing an eyebrow. No.
Okay.
Oh, geez!
Yes, I am!
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Anna will fix it. It'll be fine.
It'll be okay.
It's okay. Oh, my God.
What?
What is happening?
Anna Maria? Anna Maria? Hey.
Okay.
Paige! Paige, get up.
Get up. G... Now! Come on.
Veronica. Veronica. Get up.
"There's no place like home.
There's no place like home."
Not today, Dorothy. Get up.
Whoa.
What did you do, Veronica?
Me? You're not pinning this on me.
Oh. Okay, maybe I did do that.
What is happening to me?
Settle down, Scissorhands.
They're press ons.
Where is Anna Maria?
- Paige, give me your phone. I'll call her.
- Okay.
Is that Jake Ramirez's hoodie?
I believe so, yes.
But I don't remember how I got it.
I don't remember anything.
I don't remember anything either.
Me either.
She's not picking up.
Anna Maria's mom's gonna kill us.
Guys, I think we have a bigger problem.
Where is Anna Maria?
And why does Paige
literally have blood on her hands?
What?
You killed Anna Maria.
I didn't kill Anna Maria.
I'm sure she's sleeping up in her room.
She never goes anywhere without her phone.
Yep. No need to panic
about spilled blood and alert her mom
- to a murder that didn't happen.
- Don't.
Let's just check in her room, okay?
We have to be quiet.
No, I'm fine. It's fine.
I mean, so my ex-husband's
getting married today. Big deal.
No, Mom, you don't need to come over.
Well, turn around.
I don't want any cake. I...
I don't even remember why I came in here.
Okay. Fine. Yes, it's weird.
Just because I don't want
to be married to him anymore,
doesn't mean I'm ready for him
to be married to someone else.
You know, m-maybe... maybe she did decide
to go on the hike with her dad.
No way. She said she'd rather
get her braces back on
than hike up a mountain with him.
Plus, her hiking boots are still here.
This is bad.
Do any of you remember anything
from last night?
No, ma'am.
Oh, I know I don't remember TP'ing
Jake Ramirez's house.
- What?
- Come on.
I've got an idea who might know.
Thanks for knocking.
Where is your sister?
I'm right here.
Sorry. It's a big day for me.
We know you know where she is.
Actually, I don't.
She's missing?
I'll grab my shoes,
help you look for her...
Ah. Thanks, but no thanks.
If I don't know where she is
and you guys don't know where she is,
then she could be in serious trouble.
This is terrible.
And it'll ruin my dad's special day.
I better go tell my mom...
If you don't want me
to tell my mom,
you have to do something for me.
She's like a comic book villain
in a training bra.
For starters,
I want you, smarty-pants Megan Magoo,
to do my math homework for a month.
What?
But don't you want to learn the material?
Math is like a pyramid.
If you don't have...
I want you to tag me in a cool post so
I can get a ton of followers.
Your mom won't even let you
have an account.
- Yet.
- You're delusional.
Mom!
What is it, mija?
Fine, I'll do it.
I just wanted to tell you that I love you!
Love you too, baby girl.
I'm never
having kids. You are the actual worst.
Big talk from someone who turned 14,
like, ten seconds ago.
Uh... Okay, you know what?
You're gonna be totally lost
if you can't multiply fractions.
What if she thinks we're still mad about
the normal family stuff?
We should have just let her
off the hook.
I agree. You should have.
Hey, go clean up your poop name.
Okay.
What if she's hurt? Or kidnapped?
You know what? She probably just ran away
to skip out on her dad's wedding.
Mm-hmm. Much better.
It's cool.
It's Nutella.
I think.
Paige, what are we supposed to do?
Okay first things first.
Veronica, what's the number of the place
you got the hypnotist from?
We need to get a hold of Mesmer so we can
get the trigger word and find Anna Maria.
Hey, Siri, call Captain Bootleg
Character Parties.
Ahoy, this be Captain Bootleg.
Leave a message,
and we'll call ye back. Arr.
Hi, this is Veronica.
We have a total emergency. Please call us
back at your earliest convenience.
- Now what?
- I should just call my dads.
No, no. No adults.
Look, we are not kids anymore.
We're gonna find Anna Maria ourselves.
Okay, well, we gotta do it
before the wedding at four o'clock.
But not to worry. I got my Junior
Detective certification online.
All we need to do is
follow the clues.
Things aren't all
they're "quacked" up to be.
So, what are we thinking?
She might actually be in there.
We've got a granny cart
of West Oak ducks.
I think we need to check.
Yeah, but... I mean, we're not actually
gonna break in the high school, right?
- So, what exactly is our plan?
- We're breaking into high school.
Duh.
There's gotta be a janitor
in there or something.
No, no, no. We're not telling any adults.
Yeah, no way. My new stepdad
is gonna hate me
before he is even officially my stepdad.
He's gonna love me
whether he likes it or not.
- I...
- I can get us in anywhere.
What is she doing?
What?
Getting low. Ooh.
She's jump... She's jumping.
- Park our.
- Okay, no.
That is not happening. We do not have
the bandwidth to squeeze in an ER visit.
We need help.
Okay.
I'll call reinforcements.
Ugh, honestly, they need
a shoelaces alternative.
They do. It's called Velcro.
What's up?
Mikey is our reinforcements?
Yep.
Give it to me. Hypnotized.
Anna Maria missing. Baby ducks.
Ah. Got it.
Uh, who's that?
No idea.
- I'm Veronica.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Ew. No.
Follow me.
Every door is locked.
There's a chance Anna Maria
could be inside, and we need to check.
Give me a minute. Stay here.
Okay. He's gone.
Hope he knows what he's doing.
So, what's Mikey's sign?
Let's hope this is like that time he
showed me the secret trapdoor to freedom
he built in the middle school drama room.
- That was him?
- Some of his best work.
Unfindable to faculty since 2017.
I thought that was a myth.
That was a Mikey.
Wow.
I know, right?
Still a legend among ditching
middle schoolers everywhere.
- Thank you.
- It's annoying.
Don't dillydally,
Sam. We have plenty of real work to do.
First things first, I need you
to take care of that mystery liquid
on the floor in the south hall.
And remember, when that inspector comes,
you do not have keys
to the teachers' lounge.
Hide your keys. Put 'em in your pants.
Who gets to say
that asbestos is illegal?
Nobody. None of their business.
Follow me.
Okay, come on.
Guys, how are we actually
gonna find Anna Maria in here?
I love it. I love it all.
I love these lockers. I love that clock.
I love the cartoon principal.
I love public school...
Pipe down, Matilda.
Mikey, Veronica, ditch the ducks
in the science lab,
and we'll come find you
after we look around for her.
This is the best day of my life.
Here we are, two total strangers
falling for each other in a public school.
It's like we're Troy and Gabriella
in High School Musical.
Like when Gabriella is too shy
to audition by herself,
but then Troy offers to sing with her
so she isn't scared.
Are you kidding me?
You had one job, you idiots.
You let the ducks escape.
I have to do everything myself.
Come here, ducky.
Here, ducky, ducky.
- I almost stepped on 'em.
- Wait... No. Back.
- Almost.
- Hurry up.
Mmm. Gotcha.
Yes. Come here. Come here.
Guys, no.
Guys, look what I found.
- One of Anna Maria's new shoes.
- Why is there only one?
Come on.
She's gotta be here somewhere.
Whoa.
Get rid of that bird before
I take it to the cafeteria
and turn it into nuggets.
But, Daddy, I love him.
I cannot stand you.
You better be nice to me.
I'm about to be Anna Maria's sister,
but I could end up being your sister too.
If you know what I mean.
- That's it!
- Ha!
To the children trespassing in my school,
you can run, but we will find you.
Nobody makes a fool out of Agnes Peterson.
I'm gonna get
those little stinkbugs. Look in there!
You think we're playing hide-and-go-seek?
Well, you're lucky I'm in a good mood.
Well, well, well, look what we have here.
Come on over, girls. We just wanna talk.
- I can't see 'em.
- Oh, shoot.
Oh, my
We can't keep doing this. One of us has to
fall on the sword and distract them.
I vote Veronica! I believe in you.
But if I get caught,
it'll go on my permanent record!
- You're homeschooled.
- Oh, yeah.
Go, go.
Why didn't you text me back?
I was a little busy running for my life!
Where's Veronica?
- Hurry.
- Go, Sam, go!
- I love high school!
- Stop it!
- Quicker, Sam. Go, go, go!
- Get in.
- Go, go, go!
- Go!
Get 'em, Sam!
Stop immediately!
Dang it!
What just happened?
All that and we still didn't find
Anna Maria.
Just her shoe.
With the orange and maroon soles.
These are my colors. Lady at Sephora
told me I'm a warm neutral.
Orange and maroon paint.
Those are Hillside colors.
West Oak's rival school.
Hillside hates us.
- This is not good.
- Yeah, because they don't even know us,
which is so unfair.
No, they should totally hate us.
When I was a freshman,
they stole our mascot's uniform,
and in retaliation, we captured
their vice principal, Mr. Marshall.
Well, what happened when they found him?
They never did.
They've been trying to get back
at us ever since.
Y-You think they have Anna Maria?
I think we need to go find out.
Paige, are you sure you wanna do this?
You're a West Oak Warrior now.
Hillside's enemy territory.
Aren't you gonna stay and help us?
Look, Paige, I'm Hillside enemy
number one. Too risky. I'm out.
Wow, Mikey. I expected more.
So, this is how the rich kids live.
I heard they serve sashimi
in the cafeteria
and you can pay your way out of PE.
Gross.
I'll take the half-dead grass
and half-dead principal
at West Oak any day.
I knew it. You do love me.
Where's Veronica?
Okay.
I don't think we'll be able to
sneak in there without Mikey.
We need to figure out how Anna Maria
got Hillside's colors on her new shoe.
Ouch. What...
What the duck is that?
What is what? It's nothing.
I-It's not a duck.
That is a duck.
It was a gift from my man.
Come here, Bill.
Don't worry. A duck doesn't mean anything.
I'm gonna kill him.
The marching band, my people.
Maybe they know where Anna Maria is.
Let's go. Come on.
Guys, wait for me.
These are your people?
I thought they were.
They look like they ate
the middle school band for breakfast.
What do you mean if I had been here?
You're the one who ran after Ava Hakakian
offering to polish her cymbals.
O... Okay. Whoa, whoa.
Let's keep it clean, please.
Oh. What, clean?
The last thing
this school needs is more drama.
Don't. Don't.
- I just find it fascinating
- No. Please, no.
who wants us to keep things clean.
- Real classy, Brixton.
- That wasn't me.
And I'm not the one who left the hedgehog
out in the open,
making it easy to steal.
Dude,
what else was I supposed to do?
- I can't.
- You have to hold it.
- You have to.
- No. No.
- How could you...
- I'm sorry.
- I can't... I can't...
- They're right there.
Oh, sh...
- Whoa.
- Ouch.
Hey! Yo, watch it, music man.
It's you.
You... You who? Me?
Hey, what's your deal?
Hold on. I got this.
You wanna go?
- Pfft.
- That's what I thought.
Are you done?
Because you ladies have something we want.
Parents who didn't participate
in the college admissions scandal?
Funny, especially coming
from a gang of degenerates
who could be charged
with grand theft hedgehog.
Uh, come again?
Last night, you stole our homecoming
hedgehog float. Hedgie?
FYI, love hedgehogs.
I did a report on them.
You have a lot of nerve coming back here.
Okay, I think there's been
a misunderstanding.
Don't even try to deny it. We have proof.
Oh, my gosh.
This thing smells like puke.
You have to see Meg.
- There she is.
- Please show Meg.
- Hey!
- Oh, yeah!
I'm actually
saving myself for Hedgie.
Ooh.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
I already know what to say.
I got this. Okay?
Okay.
So, funny thing.
Um, I know you have this video
and all, but, uh,
we don't actually remember
anything that happened last night,
so we don't know
where your hedgehog float is.
No, it is true. You have to believe us...
No, you have to believe us.
We want our hedgehog back,
and we want him back now.
Yeah, and we have what you want.
Oh, my gosh. I think they have Anna Maria.
What I'm sure you really,
really want back.
Just to clarify, are we talking about...
Enough talk.
If you wanna find out, bring our float
to the Ground town Caf on Oak Street
at two o'clock and we'll make the swap.
No funny business.
But it's already almost noon,
and we're telling the truth.
We don't know where your hedgehog is.
Well, I'd say you're
sufficiently motivated to find it.
And I wouldn't be late.
We have all the evidence
we need to prosecute.
And my mom's a lawyer.
- So is mine.
- So is mine.
Come on, Bill. Stay with the group.
Now, instead of searching
for a missing girl,
we are searching for a missing hedgehog.
This is my own fault.
Anna Maria is being held hostage
because I had to try new things.
I knew we couldn't trust
that sketchy hypnotist.
Who even knows if they have
their hypnotist license?
- You know what? I-I think hypnotism sucks.
- Whoa, language.
I can't believe I just watched
a video of myself
grinding on a papier-mch hedgehog.
It never asked for that.
I mean, I can convince myself
that we broke into West Oak
to rescue ducks for a good cause,
but stealing of the hedgehog float?
For what?
We might as well be on
America's Dumbest Criminals.
- Oh, my God. Do ya?
- Love that show.
Do ya, Veronica?
Did you do a report on it?
Will you two stop fighting?
I can't take it anymore.
D... Did you just yell at me?
She totally just yelled at you.
No. I mean, yes, possibly.
We never yell at each other.
- What is the deal?
- The deal is... I just...
I think if we're not going to tell
an adult that Anna Maria is missing
because we're high schoolers
and we can handle it ourselves,
then we need to start acting like adults.
You mean, like, ignore the climate crisis
and waste all our free time
fighting in Facebook groups?
I mean we need to focus.
Those band freaks have our friend,
and all this bickering between you two
is not helping.
Okay, fine. I'll keep my mouth shut.
That's not what I meant.
Paige
Just...
Yello?
You're stressed out,
which is freaking me out
because it means that you're worried
that we won't find her.
Hey.
We're gonna find her.
Ooh, this looks intense.
- Am I interrupting?
- Always.
Who was that on the phone?
That was Captain Bootleg.
Well?
Can he get us in touch with Mesmer?
What did he say?
He said, "Arr! They be unreachable."
Mesmer's booked.
Working at the Chattahoochee Onion Fest.
This place is packed.
How come I never knew
onion fest was a thing?
Because only a certain kind of people
go to onion festivals.
Guys, I love the Chattahoochee Onion Fest.
Sure, it's no Greenville Garlic Festival,
- but let's get real, what is, amirite?
- No.
We don't have time to wait in this line.
We have to get in there and find Mesmer.
I've got an idea.
We might be able to pull a Mikey.
Okay.
This way.
Let's go.
Okay.
This will be the fastest way.
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Oh.
Finally, you're here.
Rita, Vera, Esther Chen.
Quick, quick, quick.
We almost started without you.
Look! Look! It's Mesmer.
Mesmer's the Great Onion.
Oh, hello, little onion sprout.
The Great Onion.
What's so great about you?
silly little shallot.
Uh, I have a great attitude, okay?
Say, "onions."
- No? Or don't. Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
Okay. All right, I gotta take five.
My shoes are killing me.
Wait, what?
Come on. We'll tell him
we changed our minds and we're out.
I knew you girls
couldn't be in the right place.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Did...
Did someone say "Beetlejuice" three times?
The cooking contest is right over there.
And the port a-potties are over there,
you piece of sh...
It's time for the 47th Annual Onion Munch.
Yes! Whoo!
Onion Munch! Onion Munch!
Onion Munch!
All right. All right.
Here are the rules.
In front of you,
you have one pound of raw onion.
When you've consumed them,
you will get another pound.
And if you can't eat anymore,
you rise in shame and go directly
to the fryer!
Fryer! Fryer! Fryer!
- Fryer! Fryer! Fryer! Fryer!
- Fryer! Fryer! Fryer! Fryer!
All right. The one who eats
the most onions in two minutes
will win the Onion Munch.
Whoo!
Sure. Sure, I eat onions.
But I've never taken a bite
out of a raw onion like an apple.
Okay. What are we doing?
Trying new things.
That's my girl.
I'm winning this munch. Yeah!
In your dreams, Esther.
Buckle up, Beetlejuice. It's showtime.
Hey, um, do you think you could take this?
- Yeah. Hello, baby. Okay.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, she's not playing.
She's got all her ducks in a row,
ladies and gentlemen.
All right. Ready. Set.
Munch!
Let's go. Yes!
Get it down.
Yeah! All right, good try.
That's right. That's right.
Ooh, nasty.
Nasty stuff going on here.
People are already
starting to cry.
There's no crying in Onion Munch.
Leave me alone!
Let's go. Let's go.
Ooh, she's going at it over here.
Those onions are tasty,
that's for sure.
I did it!
But I can't do it anymore. Sorry.
But you got this.
- And we got our first stinker
- Stinker! Stinker!
- the lady with the unibrow.
- Stinker!
- To the fryer! Stinker! Stinker!
- Stinker! Stinker!
Buh-bye. To the fryer!
All right, who's next? Who's next?
Oh, the lady with the hanging onion.
To the fryer, lady.
- To the fryer. Fry your onions...
- Fryer! Fryer!
- Bye, you wee little lass.
- Watch where you're going.
- Yes. Fryer! Fryer!
- Fryer! Fryer!
Nice, nice. Very, very appealing.
Oh! Thanks for joining us, lady.
Thanks a lot.
- I can't do it.
- Aw.
Aw. Boohoo.
Oh, the gentleman in the suit.
You can get an onion ring
for the bride in the fryer.
Oh, and we're down to the final two.
Esther Chen and Johnnie Onion.
Just look at her. She's a machine.
Go, Esther!
Go, Esther! Yes!
Now we're almost there.
We're almost there.
Who's gonna be next? Who's gonna be next?
Look, I think
it's the real Esther Chen.
We gotta get to the Great Onion.
We need that trigger word.
- Mesmer! Look right now!
- Yo, yo! Look!
- Over here! Mesmer!
- Over here! Mesmer!
Oh. And Johnnie Onion is disqualified.
On to the fryer.
Yes! Yes! I am victorious.
I am unstoppable.
I am your daddy!
And I declare...
W... What? What... What's going on?
- She's a fraud.
- What?
- You are not Esther Chen!
- That's right.
- Veronica! You gotta get to Mesmer.
- You're our only hope.
But how?
- Park our!
- Me? Now?
Yes! Go!
Park our.
That's a squashed onion.
I am the Onion Munch Champion.
I am never eating
another onion again in my life.
Really?
I would do that a million times more.
That's because you're you.
- You're so mean.
- Okay.
Getting banned from Onion Fest for life
was not how I saw this day going.
What now?
Well, Mesmer's a bust.
We gotta switch gears.
And do what? We're out of clues.
There is one more clue.
- What?
- You're wearing it.
- No. No, no, no. We are not. We are not...
- Oh, we are.
- We are not.
- We are.
- There's many other clues.
- Name one.
- No, no, no.
- Okay.
See you at Jake's house.
- Is this happening?
- It is.
- Is he coming over here?
- He is.
- Am I still wearing his sweatshirt?
- You are.
- And missing an eyebrow?
- Indeed.
- Does my breath smell like onions?
- It doesn't not smell like onions.
Please, God, never let him know
I've multiple vision boards
of what our children might look like.
He's even cuter up close, and if you
squint, he might even have facial hair.
- I can't do this. I'm leaving.
- Too late.
You already are.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up?
Mmm. Not much.
You sure do itch your head a lot.
You might wanna get checked for lice.
Veronica. No.
Um, you checked my head last night.
I'm all clear. Don't you remember?
I do always carry my lice comb,
just in case.
Wait, wait... Last night?
You were with us last night?
Yeah, I thought you came back for this.
My mom's starting to ask questions.
Oh, man. We did steal it.
Well, at least when we go to jail,
we'll be there together.
Okay, we gotta get this thing
to Ground town Caf on Oak Street by 2:00
so we can get Anna Maria back.
You can't do this on foot.
You won't make it there in time.
But I-I think I have a way.
You're gonna help us?
Of course I am.
You're gonna be fine, Bill.
This thing has airbags.
Hey, look, I wouldn't blame you
if you wanna sit this one out.
This ride is no joke.
No.
I'm in.
Come on. Here.
There. I got you.
We gotta do this for Anna Maria.
Heck, yeah. For Anna Maria!
For Anna Maria.
For Anna Maria.
Okay.
Okay.
Anybody have any elbow
or knee pads?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. This is happening.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God. We're breaking the law!
I can't do this!
- Move! Move! Move!
- Get out of the way!
Move! Get out of the way!
Come on.
Stop.
Holy guacamole!
I can't look!
Bill, are you okay?
There it is! We're almost there.
Megan! You need to steer to the right!
I don't think I can!
You can do it, Megan!
Megan!
Megan!
Hey, welcome back.
I still have no answers for you.
Sorry about that.
But I do have a new question.
Is it good or bad to try new things?
Am I dead? Is this heaven?
That was so awesome.
Whoo!
Megs, bud, might be time
to switch to clinical strength.
Megan, first, that was sick.
You're a rock star.
Second. Are you okay?
I think so.
What?
What is it?
Why does your face look like that?
What is it? Tell me.
Okay.
Um can... can you?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Yeah, okay. I got this.
Come. Come.
So, Megs, don't freak,
but you have a cockroach on your shirt.
Okay, okay.
I can see that you're on the verge
of freaking out, rightfully so.
First, let's lose your little friend here.
Just do a Taylor Swift. Shake it off.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Can you do it with me?
Of course.
Just... Just like that.
Yeah, like...
Right here. Like, right here. Yeah. Hey!
- Paige, I am so tired of being dirty
- Yeah.
and reckless and hungry
and with Veronica
I know.
and I just want my eyebrow back.
Okay.
All we have to do now is get to the finish
line and unload this hedgehog, okay?
And then?
Then we get Anna Maria back.
You want that, don't you?
Yeah. Okay.
You're such a good friend.
Of course I...
- Don't touch me, okay?
- Okay.
Love you.
Looks like somebody's been
through the wringer.
We are delivering him
a little rough around the edges,
and for that we're sorry.
Wasn't talking about the hedgehog.
Rude.
We're taking the hedgehog.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Not so fast.
You have something we want.
The reason we're here.
Oh, right.
Huh. Uh... What is this?
A ceiling fan remote?
That is not my stepsister!
I think it's one
of those old people phones.
One of y'all dropped it
last night on the field.
We are not here for a stupid phone
that is not even ours.
- Definitely not mine.
- Not mine.
The three buttons say "Dad," "Pops," and...
Okay, fine. It's mine. It's mine, okay?
It's my phone. It's mine. Yeah.
What even is this? An iPhone Negative 12?
Does it text in hieroglyphics?
Is the last button a direct line
to the therapist you need
specifically because of this phone?
That's what the first
two buttons are for actually.
Ha ha! So funny. Anyone else?
No? Okay, yeah, I'll go.
Hello? Oh, 1997 called.
They want their phone back.
- Okay, are we done now?
- Sure. Sure. Totally.
Great. Terrific. You can take
your hedgehog and leave now.
Wait, did you guys actually think
we were holding a kid hostage?
Geez, we're not criminals.
My mom's a law...
A lawyer. Yeah, we know.
What? What? I'm fine.
Yeah. I'm sure this would all be very
humiliating if I wasn't busy feeling like
our friend might be the subject
of a new Dateline episode
that we're all currently trapped in.
She's right.
What if Anna Maria's really in trouble?
This is bad, Paige. We tried it your way.
But now I think it's time
to tell Anna Maria's mom she's missing.
Okay. Okay.
Fine. You're... You're right.
It is time.
All I want is Anna Maria back.
Okay.
You're rocking an intense gash.
Pretty sure the cockroach juice will
keep it from getting infected.
How about I just give you a ride back?
I'm pretty pungent at the moment.
Have you seen the guys I hang around with?
Yes. Uh... Uh, no.
No. Uh...
Maybe.
Get a room, lovebirds.
We gotta get moving.
You okay back there?
I'm good, thanks.
Hold on tight.
Oh, my God.
What did you say, Megan?
You were mouthing something to Paige,
and I couldn't quite hear you.
Anna Maria's mom isn't home.
Well, what do we do now? Tell her dad?
No, it's his wedding day.
Oh. Hey, while I was eating
two pounds of onions, I was wondering...
- Wait, what?
- I'll explain later.
Who was taking that video last night?
The one the band showed us
where Megan was violating that hedgehog?
Oh, it was probably Penny.
She was with us last night.
You and Jake deal with the basement.
I'll take Veronica and handle this.
Look at you.
Found some soap.
Couldn't find my other eyebrow.
- You can hardly even tell.
- Liar.
Is it true?
You'd rather be playing the flute?
Um, no.
But I'm pretty sure your sweatshirt
needs to be boiled in OxiClean
before I can give it back. So
No worries, you can hold on to it.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah. I've had to try a lot of
new things the past 24 hours.
Kind of regretting some.
Is this what high school feels like?
You kinda get used to it.
But I get it.
Trying new things is hard.
I didn't even try out
for basketball because
I was afraid I wouldn't make the team.
But now
Now maybe I will.
We should, uh, probably keep cleaning
before Mrs. Guerrero gets home.
Yeah.
Not my Misty Macintosh!
Of course you have
a Misty Macintosh, psychopath.
Tell us where Anna Maria is,
or my, my, my, Little Red,
what short hair you will have.
You wouldn't.
But I would.
I swear, I don't know where my sister is.
I promise.
You guys have to believe me.
I already feel like I lost my dad.
I can't lose my sister too.
She's looking down to the left.
Rapid blinking. No actual tears.
She's lying.
We need to turn up the heat.
Who's next?
No.
Giddy up, buttercup.
No!
So, uh, I'll see you around?
There's a strong chance
I might be on lockdown till my twenties.
So
Uh, I can always ride
by your window and check.
Okay.
It's true, you know.
You are flutiful.
Wait.
You forgot this.
We can do this all day.
Still not talking?
No, she's not.
You need to tell us everything
so we can find your sister.
Or else, there's a certain stallion who's
gonna pay the price in the microwave.
Okay, all right, I'll talk,
but don't hate me, okay?
All I ever wanted was to be
a part of your slumber party.
And you guys were finally including me,
and we were having so much fun, remember?
I just wanted the fun
to last a little longer.
Penny, what did you do?
Well, my sister kept saying
I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
So I wanted to prove to her that I could.
Yo, spit it out.
She left a note this morning
on the bathroom mirror, and I took it.
You give-give me...
You give me this, you little...
She didn't say that she didn't
wanna go on the birthday hike.
She just said she didn't wanna go on
her birthday hike with her dad. Let's go!
Wait, guys!
Veronica! Please!
Only if you say
I'm your favorite sister for life.
You're my favorite sister for life.
Come on, I said it!
Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria! Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
I think that's her.
- That's her!
- Oh, my God! Anna Maria!
Anna Maria!
Anna Maria!
Anna Maria.
Dude, we thought you were dead.
- We were seriously worried.
- Yeah.
They were worried.
I was like, "You guys, she's my sister.
I know her. She's fine."
Yeah I'm... I'm good.
Do you know why I'm wearing Santa pants?
What happened to your eyebrow?
And is that a duck in your pocket?
It's a home school thing.
Wait, why are you all bloody?
I don't know, but my face hurts.
Why did you come out here alone?
I couldn't sleep last night.
I was thinking about
all the terrible things I said to my dad.
So I came up here to sort things out, and
I don't wanna be angry anymore.
I love my dad
and I want him to be happy.
Even if this new version
of our family doesn't feel normal yet.
And I know normal is, like,
not even a thing.
I'm really sorry about what I said, guys.
I'm sorry about what happened
in the storage closet.
It's okay to be freaked out
about how much your family is changing.
Mmm. I'm sorry too.
But you're one of us now.
You're gonna be good.
Welcome to the club.
When you think about it,
nobody's family is really normal.
But even though it feels like everything
is changing, our friendship never will.
We gotta get you to your dad's wedding.
It's in, like, 30 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I need a shower first.
I look and smell like I've been
hanging out in a dumpster.
Hey we don't joke about that.
- Come on.
- Come on.
I'm really happy for you, Dad.
That doesn't feel like sarcasm.
I guess I should maybe try new things
before I decide to hate them
with the power of the sun.
Mmm, that sounds like a good idea.
So you'll try boba?
Mi amorcita,
I will never, ever chew my drink.
Oh, Dad, I think I just saw
Penny twerking in front of Grandma Olga.
Oh, Dios mo. Penny!
- Did she really?
- Not at all.
So good.
- Who are you calling?
- Mikey.
We're co-parenting.
Yo, it's your boy, Mikey.
Not here right now,
- so please leave a message after the tone.
- Voice mail.
Hey, Mike and Ike.
Just checking in on Bill,
making sure he's regular.
Call me back.
So, I heard you're staying over
at my place while my...
Our parents are on their honeymoon.
I'll try to stay out of your way.
No need. We're cool.
And your mom isn't the beast-troll
with bad highlights I said she was.
Thanks.
Wait, you said my mom was a beast-troll?
Were you not there?
My girls.
Look at this.
Hey, uh, Anna, uh, there's a surprise
for you waiting by the altar.
You guys are the best...
Hey, where'd you get that cake?
My dad made it.
Come here, guys.
Hey.
Come on.
Wait, I need to...
- To Anna Maria.
- Anna Maria.
- Anna Maria.
- Cheers.
- We love you.
- I'm licking the candles.
- Do not lick the candle.
- No, no, no.
Wait, what happened in the basement?
Why don't you tell us?
Well, basically, we took out the trash
and, um
- Oh, did you take out the trash?
- Did you take out the trash or
- Or did you take out the tra...
- We kissed.
No way!
Oh, I forgot to tell you guys.
My mom said yes.
Yes to what?
Duh, slumber party at my house!
Oh, no.
You guys need some plates?
- No, we're good. Thank you.
- We're good. Thank you so much.
Yo, was that
It can't be. Wait, Mesmer.
Man, Mesmer hustles.
You owe us a trigger word.
Oh, hi, girls.
What are the odds
I'd see you two events in a row?
Yeah, almost seems like three.
Wait.
So,
I didn't call you with the trigger word?
Ugh, sorry, I did the same thing
at a corporate event last week.
I'm all over the place.
We know.
You could use a vacation.
Okay.
The trigger word is...
W-Wait.
Look, you guys. Before we do this
- What's the matter?
- What's going on?
We need to make a pact.
Whatever we remember from last night,
we can't hold it against each other, okay?
Friendship first.
- Okay.
- Deal?
Deal. Unless it was you
who shaved off my eyebrow.
Come on.
Fine, deal.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Ready, ladies?
The trigger word is
The trigger word is...
The trigger word is
The trigger word is "Freshman."
- You!
- It was you!
- Oh, yeah!
- Veronica! Let it go!
Oh, look at her go!
Oh. Oh, oh, no. Oh, my gosh!
Are you okay?
- He... Here, here, here.
- Are you okay?
Oh, no, no, no.
Let me get it off.
Let me get it off. Okay.
- Okay, yeah. Cut-Cut the camera.
- Bye! Bye, bye, bye!
Shave it! Shave it! Shave it!
Shave it! Shave it! Shave it! Shave it!
- Oh, my God. Look.
- Shave it...
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Let's go! Let's go!
Guys, guys. Watch this. Park our.
Oh, yeah.
- Are you kidding me?
- Are you k...
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Oh, my God! That was insane!
Yeah.
You're so freaking awesome.
Yeah. I told you so.
I told you so. I told you so.
Hey. Hey!
Ooh. Whoa.
- Come on.
- Okay, Megan.
- Hey.
- What are you guys doing?
- Ooh.
- What are you doing here?
Let's go.
Open your eyes.
Jake, I'm flying.
Oh, my gosh...
I'm the birthday girl!
Close up on my face.
Guys, guys, guys, wait.
Guys, I'm Jake, and my...
I love you guys more, though.
I love you guys the most.
Hey, speaking of Jake,
are we ever gonna get that hedgehog back?
- Oh. Hopefully.
- Let's go.
- It's okay.
- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go!
Hey, I'm Megan Bernadette Brookman.
And before you even ask,
yes, you did just see
three teenagers riding a giant hedgehog.
So I'm sure you have a lot of questions
like, "Hey, Megs,
how did you lose your eyebrow?"
Honestly, I wish I knew.
So let's just start at the beginning
and hopefully we'll find
all the answers we're looking for.
That's Anna Maria,
the birthday girl.
She's my best friend and the reason
I'm currently flailing mid air
toward a smelly dumpster.
High school starts in one week
and there's no way
I could do it without her.
Anna Maria.
Your dad's here to see you.
Please excuse her teen angst.
She's going through a lot right now.
This is my other best friend, Paige.
See you tomorrow, Shroomy.
She's fearless and loyal.
In second grade,
when Mia Thomas bullied me
for not having a mom,
Paige convinced her
to cut off her own ponytail at recess.
Mikey, I need a ride.
Not happening.
Fine. Don't be surprised
when Mom finds out
who prank-called Grandma
and told her she won the lottery.
Get in the truck.
This is Veronica.
Our friendship is fairly recent.
Hey, this is me.
But seriously.
How cute am I with symmetrical eyebrows?
I tend to overthink things.
Some would call me cautious.
I just like to be comfortable.
Who doesn't?
But I'm working on it.
I do not wanna bring the limitations
of my youth to high school.
Okay. Now you're like,
"Geez, Megs. You really know yourself
for only being 14."
Yeah. Well, self-awareness
is kind of a given
when both your parents are therapists.
Dad. Why are you calling me
from downstairs?
Oh, just making sure
your phone's charged.
Paige is here.
- I know I'll be right down.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- Love you.
The grasshopper phone.
According to my parents,
screen time is more harmful
than being the only teenager in Atlanta
without a smartphone.
This little device
is powered by sheer humiliation,
which is why no one has ever seen
this phone of shame
and no one ever will.
Love what you've done
with the place, Conrad.
Dr. Brookman. And thank you, Paige.
Hey, Paige.
Hey, Megs.
- Bye, Dads.
- Mmm. Remember to make good choices.
You are strong. You are smart.
You can do hard things.
Man. Do you guys always speak
in inspirational quotes?
You're like the clearance aisle
at Home Goods.
Have the most fun ever.
But not too much.
Auditions for freshman flute solos
are next week.
Flutiful. Really?
I knew she would love it.
Pretty sure my dads
would call an Amber Alert
if they knew your brother was driving us.
Relax. He's allowed to drive siblings,
and you're basically like a sister to me.
So it's cool.
Hey!
Respect the ride, thank you very much.
Okay, cool. Thanks.
Seriously?
Knock it off, turd!
Oh, my God.
It's Jake Ramirez and his perfect teeth.
Oh, my gosh. He's wearing
his famous skull hoodie.
I bet it smells like him.
Did you see that? His teeth are like
toothpaste commercial teeth.
Plus he's a whole year older
than us at school.
So he's basically a grown man.
Okay, Megs. Be cool.
Do not stare.
Can you hear me?
Your skirt is caught in the door. Hello?
Your skirt is stuck in the door.
Your skirt's caught in the door!
Oh, my gosh!
Didn't you hear me saying
your skirt was caught in the door?
It's... Okay. It's fine. It's fine.
I'm sure no one saw.
I've tried to...
I just...
I can't keep having this c...
- Please, you talk to her.
- I know. I've tried.
- She's your daughter t...
- I've tried so many times.
- How many times do I have to explain...
- Mija, we talked about this.
Veronica is going to be your stepsister.
Now, she seems like a really sweet girl,
so I appreciate you including her
in your slumber party tonight.
Is this a joke?
Isn't it bad enough
he's getting remarried on my birthday?
Oh, mi amorcita, please. Look, we tried.
We tried to find any other date.
This is the only one
that the venue had available
before your new baby sister is born.
Don't remind me.
The last thing I need
is another little sister.
Hey.
Your father having this baby
is a real blessing.
At his age, it's more like a miracle.
Well, she's not wrong.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Uh, I will drop Veronica off
a-after her park our lesson.
- Whoa.
- And thank you very much, Anna,
for keeping your park our comments
to yourself.
And I will be by early tomorrow
to pick you up
for our annual birthday hike.
Don't bother. I'm not going.
Hey, we go every year.
- Well, not this year.
- Anna, that's enough.
Well, why should he have
anything stay the same
when he's the one
making everything different?
Hey, who is the parent around here? Hmm?
You keep this up and you are not
gonna like what happens next.
- Okay, viejo, reljate, please.
- You let her...
Haven't you been reading
those gentle parenting books...
No, cllate.
You don't talk about
our daughter that way.
Can you both just stop?
You can force me to go to your wedding.
You can even force me
to have your new kid at my party,
but you can't force me
to go on some stupid hike
on my birthday.
Anna
Why'd you do that? Obviously
they're in the middle of something.
Because I was ready for it
to be the end of something.
- Hello, girls.
- Hey, Mr. Guerrero.
For a second, I forgot
you don't live here anymore.
Sorry.
I have pants in my bag.
Okay.
Have fun, girls.
- What just happened? What'd I miss?
- Nothing.
Just some minor, unnecessary awkwardness.
Welcome to the casa de Guerrero.
That's our specialty.
- Let's do our warm-up.
- What are you doing?
Let us be your personal trainers today.
If there was an offbeat,
you're, like, offbeat the offbeat.
Guys, how is clapping and walking so hard?
Seriously, this was not my plan
for our epic night.
We're just getting warmed up.
Literally.
I'm done.
All right,
birthday girl says we're done.
Ooh, give me the Oreos.
New shoes? Those are awesome.
Thanks. Guilt gift from my mom.
- Well, I mean, they are Jordan 3s.
- True, true.
Come on, guys.
We need to do something big.
We're in high school now.
What if we break into West Oak and free
those baby ducks from the science lab?
- You're obsessed with those baby ducks.
- Oh, my gosh.
What if we connected the shopping carts
at Target together with zip ties
like a giant, red centipede?
Ooh, remember when Mikey
woke us up at 2:00 a.m.
to help him fill
your sister's car with watermelon?
When did we do that?
You guys had a sleepover without me.
Whi... Which is fine.
It's... It's totally fine.
It was a long time ago.
We were going to Six Flags
the next morning, and we know
- how you feel about Six Flags.
- Exactly.
Does anybody truly enjoy
being at Six Flags?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay. It was one time.
I didn't know the drop
was gonna be that big.
And technically, I didn't even ask them
to stop the ride.
They just got all worried
when all the crying stopped
and they thought I was dead.
How many other things
do you guys do without me?
Not that many.
"Not that many"? What does that mean?
Look. Megan.
- Megs.
- Megsters.
Meggie Poo.
Don't take this the wrong way.
You're kinda scared to try new things.
- Yeah, I know.
- Wait, what?
My dads are therapists.
I've been talking about this
since I was four.
You know, but tonight?
Tonight's gonna be different.
Tonight, I'm gonna get out
of my comfort zone.
Try new things.
Anna Maria, we're gonna forget
all about your dad and the beast-troll.
And, Paige, we're gonna make
a name for you
before we even step on campus.
Okay. We're gonna be so ready
for freshman year.
- You're serious?
- Oh, yeah.
Tonight's gonna be epic.
Let's see. We could do
Learn Hip-Hop with Brian Austin Green
or watch a movie called Tommy Boy.
No more TV.
- I say we TP Jake Ramirez's house.
- Yeah.
Jake... Jake-Jake who?
I've never heard of him.
- Let's go.
- What?
No, no, no, no.
Please. No, no, no. We're not doing this.
- Whoa.
- Oh, so you're coming with us?
- Awesome. Perfect.
- Come on.
- No. No, no, no!
- Okay, let's go. Whoo-hoo!
Hell yeah! Let's do this.
What are we doing? Do we need a sweater?
I chill easily.
Sorry I'm late, gals.
My park our lesson ran long.
And high.
And low.
Get it?
It's a park our pun.
- Ooh.
- I'm good.
Just a little spill.
- What in the park our?
- I'm Veronica.
I'm sure Anna Maria
has told you all about me.
I'm her favorite new stepsister.
- Her dad just dropped me off.
- Which isn't weird at all.
Exactly. He's the best.
And, technically,
you're not my stepsister until tomorrow,
so let's not jump the gun.
They could still
totally change their minds.
No way. They are all over each other.
Right Anna Maria?
Any way you can stop saying
my name in an accent?
It makes me want to die a little.
So, where do you go to school?
- I'm homeschooled.
- Explains a lot.
Great.
Now the Three Amigos
are more like the Freakish Foursome.
Hey, Veronica. Why don't you unpack
and make yourself at home
while we sidebar with the birthday girl?
Oh, sure. Absolutely. Sounds good.
Maybe you could tell her
she's doing long-term damage
to my self-esteem.
- What?
- Uh... Dude, harsh much?
Tonight was supposed to just be us.
It's my birthday.
Okay. We hear you,
and your feelings are valid.
- Thank you.
- But is this
what the rest of the night's
gonna be like?
Because I haven't felt this awkward
since that substitute forced me
to write a Mother's Day card.
Oh, man. I remember that.
I'm sure Mr. Quan is enjoying
his early retirement.
Let's feel all of these feelings in here.
But out there, let's have some fun.
I know. You guys are right.
- Okay. Good.
- Nice.
Even if Veronica's stealing my dad
and crashing my slumber party.
Okay. So we're still feeling things.
I don't want a stepmother or a stepsister
or a baby half-sister.
I just want one mom with one dad
and one annoying little sister,
like a normal family.
What's that supposed to mean?
You know, you're talking
to someone with two dads, right?
Yeah.
You know, and I am the "baby half-sister"
in my family.
My mom's been married, like,
three or four times.
So maybe we're not
the target demo for this.
I-I didn't mean it like that.
Well, then, how did you mean it?
I just meant that I wanna be
in a regular family again.
Okay. Well, that clears things up.
- All good?
- So good.
Yeah. Totally better now.
Cool. Yeah.
Seems like it.
- You psychopath!
- Who even does that?
You're gonna grow up
to be one of those people
who dresses up like a bush
and scares tourists for a living.
A girl can dream.
Penny, what do you even want?
And whatever it is, no.
I just want to hang out. Be included.
I could film your posts or tell jokes.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta. Get out. Hard pass.
Come on, please?
It's not fair. Why do you guys
always leave me out?
Because you can't keep your mouth shut.
And this is a slumber party,
which is based
on the foundation of secrets.
I can keep a secret.
I never told anybody
you once farted so loud in church
that you woke yourself up.
You did kind of just spill the beans.
- Pun intended.
- Penny.
I'm gonna give you three seconds
to get out of this basement
before I lock you in the storage room
for the rest of the night.
And I'll tell Mom that we're including you
when she asks where you are.
Like you could even.
- Oh, I'll help her.
- Me too.
I can remove the light bulbs in there.
One.
Two.
Three!
This isn't over. You'll be sorry!
What do you mean I didn't get a callback?
They're going in a different
direction. I don't know what else to say.
- It's okay.
- Come on, Lenny.
I have a BFA in Dramatic Performance.
I went to the Cincinnati Conservatory.
I put the "dream" in
Midsummer Night's Dream.
I know you did. You're a star.
I can't keep doing these birthday parties
for the rest of my life.
You'll get the next one.
Don't worry.
I gotta spread my thespian wings and fly.
And you will.
Ah, shoot.
Lenny, I-I gotta go.
No, you didn't get
a callback this time.
This time.
Like I got a callback last time?
Because I didn't.
Did it ever occur to you
how I-lucky you are
to have me as a client, Lenny?
Yeah.
Wait till I get my turn.
This what I got in me.
Better that I let it out!
Mesmer the hypnotist has arrived!
Whoa.
I'm here for your birthday party
performance
show thing.
Are you the birthday girl?
Hypnotist? That stuff isn't real.
Unless you can hypnotize my sister
to punch herself in the face?
All right. Look, kid,
invite me in, or I'll use my magic
to make you grow a mustache
that your mother won't let you bleach.
Mom!
Oh, hey. Yeah, Veronica told me.
Uh, come on in.
They're down in the basement.
Oh, but I'm sure
you already knew that, right?
I'm a hypnotist, not a fortune teller.
And yes, I did.
Oh. Okay.
Prepare to be shocked and amazed!
Ta-da! My gift for my soon-to-be
stepsister has arrived.
I am The Magnificent Mesmer.
Master of hypnosis.
Shut up!
Okay. I'm actually down with hypnotism.
I don't know, guys.
I saw this documentary on Netflix
about a woman who was hypnotized,
and she never went back to normal.
- You guys go ahead.
- Come on.
Yeah, it's my birthday.
Silence!
Shall we begin?
Welcome.
If you're open to my talents,
I'll help you explore the hidden depths
of your subconscious.
Jake Ramirez.
Paige!
Yeah, Jake.
Follow my direction
to expand your mind
and challenge your preconceptions.
Eyes closed
or the magic doesn't work.
Tonight, I want you to live
your best lives.
Be your most authentic selves,
void of inhibitions
and self-consciousness.
Live, laugh, love,
until I call the birthday girl later
with the trigger word.
That word will snap you out
of your hypnosis,
and you will remember everything.
Are there any questions?
- Yes...
- No.
Follow the sound of my voice.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Step, touch. Here we go.
Give me a little snap.
- Are y'all feeling good?
- Yes!
Now add a clap!
That heartbeat!
Can you hear my heart beat?
- Yeah!
- We're gonna travel back.
And travel. Little steps.
Oh, my gosh.
What did we do last night?
Morning.
No.
Megan Bernadette Brookman,
you are not missing an eyebrow.
You are not missing an eyebrow. No.
Okay.
Oh, geez!
Yes, I am!
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Anna will fix it. It'll be fine.
It'll be okay.
It's okay. Oh, my God.
What?
What is happening?
Anna Maria? Anna Maria? Hey.
Okay.
Paige! Paige, get up.
Get up. G... Now! Come on.
Veronica. Veronica. Get up.
"There's no place like home.
There's no place like home."
Not today, Dorothy. Get up.
Whoa.
What did you do, Veronica?
Me? You're not pinning this on me.
Oh. Okay, maybe I did do that.
What is happening to me?
Settle down, Scissorhands.
They're press ons.
Where is Anna Maria?
- Paige, give me your phone. I'll call her.
- Okay.
Is that Jake Ramirez's hoodie?
I believe so, yes.
But I don't remember how I got it.
I don't remember anything.
I don't remember anything either.
Me either.
She's not picking up.
Anna Maria's mom's gonna kill us.
Guys, I think we have a bigger problem.
Where is Anna Maria?
And why does Paige
literally have blood on her hands?
What?
You killed Anna Maria.
I didn't kill Anna Maria.
I'm sure she's sleeping up in her room.
She never goes anywhere without her phone.
Yep. No need to panic
about spilled blood and alert her mom
- to a murder that didn't happen.
- Don't.
Let's just check in her room, okay?
We have to be quiet.
No, I'm fine. It's fine.
I mean, so my ex-husband's
getting married today. Big deal.
No, Mom, you don't need to come over.
Well, turn around.
I don't want any cake. I...
I don't even remember why I came in here.
Okay. Fine. Yes, it's weird.
Just because I don't want
to be married to him anymore,
doesn't mean I'm ready for him
to be married to someone else.
You know, m-maybe... maybe she did decide
to go on the hike with her dad.
No way. She said she'd rather
get her braces back on
than hike up a mountain with him.
Plus, her hiking boots are still here.
This is bad.
Do any of you remember anything
from last night?
No, ma'am.
Oh, I know I don't remember TP'ing
Jake Ramirez's house.
- What?
- Come on.
I've got an idea who might know.
Thanks for knocking.
Where is your sister?
I'm right here.
Sorry. It's a big day for me.
We know you know where she is.
Actually, I don't.
She's missing?
I'll grab my shoes,
help you look for her...
Ah. Thanks, but no thanks.
If I don't know where she is
and you guys don't know where she is,
then she could be in serious trouble.
This is terrible.
And it'll ruin my dad's special day.
I better go tell my mom...
If you don't want me
to tell my mom,
you have to do something for me.
She's like a comic book villain
in a training bra.
For starters,
I want you, smarty-pants Megan Magoo,
to do my math homework for a month.
What?
But don't you want to learn the material?
Math is like a pyramid.
If you don't have...
I want you to tag me in a cool post so
I can get a ton of followers.
Your mom won't even let you
have an account.
- Yet.
- You're delusional.
Mom!
What is it, mija?
Fine, I'll do it.
I just wanted to tell you that I love you!
Love you too, baby girl.
I'm never
having kids. You are the actual worst.
Big talk from someone who turned 14,
like, ten seconds ago.
Uh... Okay, you know what?
You're gonna be totally lost
if you can't multiply fractions.
What if she thinks we're still mad about
the normal family stuff?
We should have just let her
off the hook.
I agree. You should have.
Hey, go clean up your poop name.
Okay.
What if she's hurt? Or kidnapped?
You know what? She probably just ran away
to skip out on her dad's wedding.
Mm-hmm. Much better.
It's cool.
It's Nutella.
I think.
Paige, what are we supposed to do?
Okay first things first.
Veronica, what's the number of the place
you got the hypnotist from?
We need to get a hold of Mesmer so we can
get the trigger word and find Anna Maria.
Hey, Siri, call Captain Bootleg
Character Parties.
Ahoy, this be Captain Bootleg.
Leave a message,
and we'll call ye back. Arr.
Hi, this is Veronica.
We have a total emergency. Please call us
back at your earliest convenience.
- Now what?
- I should just call my dads.
No, no. No adults.
Look, we are not kids anymore.
We're gonna find Anna Maria ourselves.
Okay, well, we gotta do it
before the wedding at four o'clock.
But not to worry. I got my Junior
Detective certification online.
All we need to do is
follow the clues.
Things aren't all
they're "quacked" up to be.
So, what are we thinking?
She might actually be in there.
We've got a granny cart
of West Oak ducks.
I think we need to check.
Yeah, but... I mean, we're not actually
gonna break in the high school, right?
- So, what exactly is our plan?
- We're breaking into high school.
Duh.
There's gotta be a janitor
in there or something.
No, no, no. We're not telling any adults.
Yeah, no way. My new stepdad
is gonna hate me
before he is even officially my stepdad.
He's gonna love me
whether he likes it or not.
- I...
- I can get us in anywhere.
What is she doing?
What?
Getting low. Ooh.
She's jump... She's jumping.
- Park our.
- Okay, no.
That is not happening. We do not have
the bandwidth to squeeze in an ER visit.
We need help.
Okay.
I'll call reinforcements.
Ugh, honestly, they need
a shoelaces alternative.
They do. It's called Velcro.
What's up?
Mikey is our reinforcements?
Yep.
Give it to me. Hypnotized.
Anna Maria missing. Baby ducks.
Ah. Got it.
Uh, who's that?
No idea.
- I'm Veronica.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Ew. No.
Follow me.
Every door is locked.
There's a chance Anna Maria
could be inside, and we need to check.
Give me a minute. Stay here.
Okay. He's gone.
Hope he knows what he's doing.
So, what's Mikey's sign?
Let's hope this is like that time he
showed me the secret trapdoor to freedom
he built in the middle school drama room.
- That was him?
- Some of his best work.
Unfindable to faculty since 2017.
I thought that was a myth.
That was a Mikey.
Wow.
I know, right?
Still a legend among ditching
middle schoolers everywhere.
- Thank you.
- It's annoying.
Don't dillydally,
Sam. We have plenty of real work to do.
First things first, I need you
to take care of that mystery liquid
on the floor in the south hall.
And remember, when that inspector comes,
you do not have keys
to the teachers' lounge.
Hide your keys. Put 'em in your pants.
Who gets to say
that asbestos is illegal?
Nobody. None of their business.
Follow me.
Okay, come on.
Guys, how are we actually
gonna find Anna Maria in here?
I love it. I love it all.
I love these lockers. I love that clock.
I love the cartoon principal.
I love public school...
Pipe down, Matilda.
Mikey, Veronica, ditch the ducks
in the science lab,
and we'll come find you
after we look around for her.
This is the best day of my life.
Here we are, two total strangers
falling for each other in a public school.
It's like we're Troy and Gabriella
in High School Musical.
Like when Gabriella is too shy
to audition by herself,
but then Troy offers to sing with her
so she isn't scared.
Are you kidding me?
You had one job, you idiots.
You let the ducks escape.
I have to do everything myself.
Come here, ducky.
Here, ducky, ducky.
- I almost stepped on 'em.
- Wait... No. Back.
- Almost.
- Hurry up.
Mmm. Gotcha.
Yes. Come here. Come here.
Guys, no.
Guys, look what I found.
- One of Anna Maria's new shoes.
- Why is there only one?
Come on.
She's gotta be here somewhere.
Whoa.
Get rid of that bird before
I take it to the cafeteria
and turn it into nuggets.
But, Daddy, I love him.
I cannot stand you.
You better be nice to me.
I'm about to be Anna Maria's sister,
but I could end up being your sister too.
If you know what I mean.
- That's it!
- Ha!
To the children trespassing in my school,
you can run, but we will find you.
Nobody makes a fool out of Agnes Peterson.
I'm gonna get
those little stinkbugs. Look in there!
You think we're playing hide-and-go-seek?
Well, you're lucky I'm in a good mood.
Well, well, well, look what we have here.
Come on over, girls. We just wanna talk.
- I can't see 'em.
- Oh, shoot.
Oh, my
We can't keep doing this. One of us has to
fall on the sword and distract them.
I vote Veronica! I believe in you.
But if I get caught,
it'll go on my permanent record!
- You're homeschooled.
- Oh, yeah.
Go, go.
Why didn't you text me back?
I was a little busy running for my life!
Where's Veronica?
- Hurry.
- Go, Sam, go!
- I love high school!
- Stop it!
- Quicker, Sam. Go, go, go!
- Get in.
- Go, go, go!
- Go!
Get 'em, Sam!
Stop immediately!
Dang it!
What just happened?
All that and we still didn't find
Anna Maria.
Just her shoe.
With the orange and maroon soles.
These are my colors. Lady at Sephora
told me I'm a warm neutral.
Orange and maroon paint.
Those are Hillside colors.
West Oak's rival school.
Hillside hates us.
- This is not good.
- Yeah, because they don't even know us,
which is so unfair.
No, they should totally hate us.
When I was a freshman,
they stole our mascot's uniform,
and in retaliation, we captured
their vice principal, Mr. Marshall.
Well, what happened when they found him?
They never did.
They've been trying to get back
at us ever since.
Y-You think they have Anna Maria?
I think we need to go find out.
Paige, are you sure you wanna do this?
You're a West Oak Warrior now.
Hillside's enemy territory.
Aren't you gonna stay and help us?
Look, Paige, I'm Hillside enemy
number one. Too risky. I'm out.
Wow, Mikey. I expected more.
So, this is how the rich kids live.
I heard they serve sashimi
in the cafeteria
and you can pay your way out of PE.
Gross.
I'll take the half-dead grass
and half-dead principal
at West Oak any day.
I knew it. You do love me.
Where's Veronica?
Okay.
I don't think we'll be able to
sneak in there without Mikey.
We need to figure out how Anna Maria
got Hillside's colors on her new shoe.
Ouch. What...
What the duck is that?
What is what? It's nothing.
I-It's not a duck.
That is a duck.
It was a gift from my man.
Come here, Bill.
Don't worry. A duck doesn't mean anything.
I'm gonna kill him.
The marching band, my people.
Maybe they know where Anna Maria is.
Let's go. Come on.
Guys, wait for me.
These are your people?
I thought they were.
They look like they ate
the middle school band for breakfast.
What do you mean if I had been here?
You're the one who ran after Ava Hakakian
offering to polish her cymbals.
O... Okay. Whoa, whoa.
Let's keep it clean, please.
Oh. What, clean?
The last thing
this school needs is more drama.
Don't. Don't.
- I just find it fascinating
- No. Please, no.
who wants us to keep things clean.
- Real classy, Brixton.
- That wasn't me.
And I'm not the one who left the hedgehog
out in the open,
making it easy to steal.
Dude,
what else was I supposed to do?
- I can't.
- You have to hold it.
- You have to.
- No. No.
- How could you...
- I'm sorry.
- I can't... I can't...
- They're right there.
Oh, sh...
- Whoa.
- Ouch.
Hey! Yo, watch it, music man.
It's you.
You... You who? Me?
Hey, what's your deal?
Hold on. I got this.
You wanna go?
- Pfft.
- That's what I thought.
Are you done?
Because you ladies have something we want.
Parents who didn't participate
in the college admissions scandal?
Funny, especially coming
from a gang of degenerates
who could be charged
with grand theft hedgehog.
Uh, come again?
Last night, you stole our homecoming
hedgehog float. Hedgie?
FYI, love hedgehogs.
I did a report on them.
You have a lot of nerve coming back here.
Okay, I think there's been
a misunderstanding.
Don't even try to deny it. We have proof.
Oh, my gosh.
This thing smells like puke.
You have to see Meg.
- There she is.
- Please show Meg.
- Hey!
- Oh, yeah!
I'm actually
saving myself for Hedgie.
Ooh.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
I already know what to say.
I got this. Okay?
Okay.
So, funny thing.
Um, I know you have this video
and all, but, uh,
we don't actually remember
anything that happened last night,
so we don't know
where your hedgehog float is.
No, it is true. You have to believe us...
No, you have to believe us.
We want our hedgehog back,
and we want him back now.
Yeah, and we have what you want.
Oh, my gosh. I think they have Anna Maria.
What I'm sure you really,
really want back.
Just to clarify, are we talking about...
Enough talk.
If you wanna find out, bring our float
to the Ground town Caf on Oak Street
at two o'clock and we'll make the swap.
No funny business.
But it's already almost noon,
and we're telling the truth.
We don't know where your hedgehog is.
Well, I'd say you're
sufficiently motivated to find it.
And I wouldn't be late.
We have all the evidence
we need to prosecute.
And my mom's a lawyer.
- So is mine.
- So is mine.
Come on, Bill. Stay with the group.
Now, instead of searching
for a missing girl,
we are searching for a missing hedgehog.
This is my own fault.
Anna Maria is being held hostage
because I had to try new things.
I knew we couldn't trust
that sketchy hypnotist.
Who even knows if they have
their hypnotist license?
- You know what? I-I think hypnotism sucks.
- Whoa, language.
I can't believe I just watched
a video of myself
grinding on a papier-mch hedgehog.
It never asked for that.
I mean, I can convince myself
that we broke into West Oak
to rescue ducks for a good cause,
but stealing of the hedgehog float?
For what?
We might as well be on
America's Dumbest Criminals.
- Oh, my God. Do ya?
- Love that show.
Do ya, Veronica?
Did you do a report on it?
Will you two stop fighting?
I can't take it anymore.
D... Did you just yell at me?
She totally just yelled at you.
No. I mean, yes, possibly.
We never yell at each other.
- What is the deal?
- The deal is... I just...
I think if we're not going to tell
an adult that Anna Maria is missing
because we're high schoolers
and we can handle it ourselves,
then we need to start acting like adults.
You mean, like, ignore the climate crisis
and waste all our free time
fighting in Facebook groups?
I mean we need to focus.
Those band freaks have our friend,
and all this bickering between you two
is not helping.
Okay, fine. I'll keep my mouth shut.
That's not what I meant.
Paige
Just...
Yello?
You're stressed out,
which is freaking me out
because it means that you're worried
that we won't find her.
Hey.
We're gonna find her.
Ooh, this looks intense.
- Am I interrupting?
- Always.
Who was that on the phone?
That was Captain Bootleg.
Well?
Can he get us in touch with Mesmer?
What did he say?
He said, "Arr! They be unreachable."
Mesmer's booked.
Working at the Chattahoochee Onion Fest.
This place is packed.
How come I never knew
onion fest was a thing?
Because only a certain kind of people
go to onion festivals.
Guys, I love the Chattahoochee Onion Fest.
Sure, it's no Greenville Garlic Festival,
- but let's get real, what is, amirite?
- No.
We don't have time to wait in this line.
We have to get in there and find Mesmer.
I've got an idea.
We might be able to pull a Mikey.
Okay.
This way.
Let's go.
Okay.
This will be the fastest way.
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's go. Oh.
Finally, you're here.
Rita, Vera, Esther Chen.
Quick, quick, quick.
We almost started without you.
Look! Look! It's Mesmer.
Mesmer's the Great Onion.
Oh, hello, little onion sprout.
The Great Onion.
What's so great about you?
silly little shallot.
Uh, I have a great attitude, okay?
Say, "onions."
- No? Or don't. Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
Okay. All right, I gotta take five.
My shoes are killing me.
Wait, what?
Come on. We'll tell him
we changed our minds and we're out.
I knew you girls
couldn't be in the right place.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Did...
Did someone say "Beetlejuice" three times?
The cooking contest is right over there.
And the port a-potties are over there,
you piece of sh...
It's time for the 47th Annual Onion Munch.
Yes! Whoo!
Onion Munch! Onion Munch!
Onion Munch!
All right. All right.
Here are the rules.
In front of you,
you have one pound of raw onion.
When you've consumed them,
you will get another pound.
And if you can't eat anymore,
you rise in shame and go directly
to the fryer!
Fryer! Fryer! Fryer!
- Fryer! Fryer! Fryer! Fryer!
- Fryer! Fryer! Fryer! Fryer!
All right. The one who eats
the most onions in two minutes
will win the Onion Munch.
Whoo!
Sure. Sure, I eat onions.
But I've never taken a bite
out of a raw onion like an apple.
Okay. What are we doing?
Trying new things.
That's my girl.
I'm winning this munch. Yeah!
In your dreams, Esther.
Buckle up, Beetlejuice. It's showtime.
Hey, um, do you think you could take this?
- Yeah. Hello, baby. Okay.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, she's not playing.
She's got all her ducks in a row,
ladies and gentlemen.
All right. Ready. Set.
Munch!
Let's go. Yes!
Get it down.
Yeah! All right, good try.
That's right. That's right.
Ooh, nasty.
Nasty stuff going on here.
People are already
starting to cry.
There's no crying in Onion Munch.
Leave me alone!
Let's go. Let's go.
Ooh, she's going at it over here.
Those onions are tasty,
that's for sure.
I did it!
But I can't do it anymore. Sorry.
But you got this.
- And we got our first stinker
- Stinker! Stinker!
- the lady with the unibrow.
- Stinker!
- To the fryer! Stinker! Stinker!
- Stinker! Stinker!
Buh-bye. To the fryer!
All right, who's next? Who's next?
Oh, the lady with the hanging onion.
To the fryer, lady.
- To the fryer. Fry your onions...
- Fryer! Fryer!
- Bye, you wee little lass.
- Watch where you're going.
- Yes. Fryer! Fryer!
- Fryer! Fryer!
Nice, nice. Very, very appealing.
Oh! Thanks for joining us, lady.
Thanks a lot.
- I can't do it.
- Aw.
Aw. Boohoo.
Oh, the gentleman in the suit.
You can get an onion ring
for the bride in the fryer.
Oh, and we're down to the final two.
Esther Chen and Johnnie Onion.
Just look at her. She's a machine.
Go, Esther!
Go, Esther! Yes!
Now we're almost there.
We're almost there.
Who's gonna be next? Who's gonna be next?
Look, I think
it's the real Esther Chen.
We gotta get to the Great Onion.
We need that trigger word.
- Mesmer! Look right now!
- Yo, yo! Look!
- Over here! Mesmer!
- Over here! Mesmer!
Oh. And Johnnie Onion is disqualified.
On to the fryer.
Yes! Yes! I am victorious.
I am unstoppable.
I am your daddy!
And I declare...
W... What? What... What's going on?
- She's a fraud.
- What?
- You are not Esther Chen!
- That's right.
- Veronica! You gotta get to Mesmer.
- You're our only hope.
But how?
- Park our!
- Me? Now?
Yes! Go!
Park our.
That's a squashed onion.
I am the Onion Munch Champion.
I am never eating
another onion again in my life.
Really?
I would do that a million times more.
That's because you're you.
- You're so mean.
- Okay.
Getting banned from Onion Fest for life
was not how I saw this day going.
What now?
Well, Mesmer's a bust.
We gotta switch gears.
And do what? We're out of clues.
There is one more clue.
- What?
- You're wearing it.
- No. No, no, no. We are not. We are not...
- Oh, we are.
- We are not.
- We are.
- There's many other clues.
- Name one.
- No, no, no.
- Okay.
See you at Jake's house.
- Is this happening?
- It is.
- Is he coming over here?
- He is.
- Am I still wearing his sweatshirt?
- You are.
- And missing an eyebrow?
- Indeed.
- Does my breath smell like onions?
- It doesn't not smell like onions.
Please, God, never let him know
I've multiple vision boards
of what our children might look like.
He's even cuter up close, and if you
squint, he might even have facial hair.
- I can't do this. I'm leaving.
- Too late.
You already are.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up?
Mmm. Not much.
You sure do itch your head a lot.
You might wanna get checked for lice.
Veronica. No.
Um, you checked my head last night.
I'm all clear. Don't you remember?
I do always carry my lice comb,
just in case.
Wait, wait... Last night?
You were with us last night?
Yeah, I thought you came back for this.
My mom's starting to ask questions.
Oh, man. We did steal it.
Well, at least when we go to jail,
we'll be there together.
Okay, we gotta get this thing
to Ground town Caf on Oak Street by 2:00
so we can get Anna Maria back.
You can't do this on foot.
You won't make it there in time.
But I-I think I have a way.
You're gonna help us?
Of course I am.
You're gonna be fine, Bill.
This thing has airbags.
Hey, look, I wouldn't blame you
if you wanna sit this one out.
This ride is no joke.
No.
I'm in.
Come on. Here.
There. I got you.
We gotta do this for Anna Maria.
Heck, yeah. For Anna Maria!
For Anna Maria.
For Anna Maria.
Okay.
Okay.
Anybody have any elbow
or knee pads?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. This is happening.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God. We're breaking the law!
I can't do this!
- Move! Move! Move!
- Get out of the way!
Move! Get out of the way!
Come on.
Stop.
Holy guacamole!
I can't look!
Bill, are you okay?
There it is! We're almost there.
Megan! You need to steer to the right!
I don't think I can!
You can do it, Megan!
Megan!
Megan!
Hey, welcome back.
I still have no answers for you.
Sorry about that.
But I do have a new question.
Is it good or bad to try new things?
Am I dead? Is this heaven?
That was so awesome.
Whoo!
Megs, bud, might be time
to switch to clinical strength.
Megan, first, that was sick.
You're a rock star.
Second. Are you okay?
I think so.
What?
What is it?
Why does your face look like that?
What is it? Tell me.
Okay.
Um can... can you?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Yeah, okay. I got this.
Come. Come.
So, Megs, don't freak,
but you have a cockroach on your shirt.
Okay, okay.
I can see that you're on the verge
of freaking out, rightfully so.
First, let's lose your little friend here.
Just do a Taylor Swift. Shake it off.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Can you do it with me?
Of course.
Just... Just like that.
Yeah, like...
Right here. Like, right here. Yeah. Hey!
- Paige, I am so tired of being dirty
- Yeah.
and reckless and hungry
and with Veronica
I know.
and I just want my eyebrow back.
Okay.
All we have to do now is get to the finish
line and unload this hedgehog, okay?
And then?
Then we get Anna Maria back.
You want that, don't you?
Yeah. Okay.
You're such a good friend.
Of course I...
- Don't touch me, okay?
- Okay.
Love you.
Looks like somebody's been
through the wringer.
We are delivering him
a little rough around the edges,
and for that we're sorry.
Wasn't talking about the hedgehog.
Rude.
We're taking the hedgehog.
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Not so fast.
You have something we want.
The reason we're here.
Oh, right.
Huh. Uh... What is this?
A ceiling fan remote?
That is not my stepsister!
I think it's one
of those old people phones.
One of y'all dropped it
last night on the field.
We are not here for a stupid phone
that is not even ours.
- Definitely not mine.
- Not mine.
The three buttons say "Dad," "Pops," and...
Okay, fine. It's mine. It's mine, okay?
It's my phone. It's mine. Yeah.
What even is this? An iPhone Negative 12?
Does it text in hieroglyphics?
Is the last button a direct line
to the therapist you need
specifically because of this phone?
That's what the first
two buttons are for actually.
Ha ha! So funny. Anyone else?
No? Okay, yeah, I'll go.
Hello? Oh, 1997 called.
They want their phone back.
- Okay, are we done now?
- Sure. Sure. Totally.
Great. Terrific. You can take
your hedgehog and leave now.
Wait, did you guys actually think
we were holding a kid hostage?
Geez, we're not criminals.
My mom's a law...
A lawyer. Yeah, we know.
What? What? I'm fine.
Yeah. I'm sure this would all be very
humiliating if I wasn't busy feeling like
our friend might be the subject
of a new Dateline episode
that we're all currently trapped in.
She's right.
What if Anna Maria's really in trouble?
This is bad, Paige. We tried it your way.
But now I think it's time
to tell Anna Maria's mom she's missing.
Okay. Okay.
Fine. You're... You're right.
It is time.
All I want is Anna Maria back.
Okay.
You're rocking an intense gash.
Pretty sure the cockroach juice will
keep it from getting infected.
How about I just give you a ride back?
I'm pretty pungent at the moment.
Have you seen the guys I hang around with?
Yes. Uh... Uh, no.
No. Uh...
Maybe.
Get a room, lovebirds.
We gotta get moving.
You okay back there?
I'm good, thanks.
Hold on tight.
Oh, my God.
What did you say, Megan?
You were mouthing something to Paige,
and I couldn't quite hear you.
Anna Maria's mom isn't home.
Well, what do we do now? Tell her dad?
No, it's his wedding day.
Oh. Hey, while I was eating
two pounds of onions, I was wondering...
- Wait, what?
- I'll explain later.
Who was taking that video last night?
The one the band showed us
where Megan was violating that hedgehog?
Oh, it was probably Penny.
She was with us last night.
You and Jake deal with the basement.
I'll take Veronica and handle this.
Look at you.
Found some soap.
Couldn't find my other eyebrow.
- You can hardly even tell.
- Liar.
Is it true?
You'd rather be playing the flute?
Um, no.
But I'm pretty sure your sweatshirt
needs to be boiled in OxiClean
before I can give it back. So
No worries, you can hold on to it.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah. I've had to try a lot of
new things the past 24 hours.
Kind of regretting some.
Is this what high school feels like?
You kinda get used to it.
But I get it.
Trying new things is hard.
I didn't even try out
for basketball because
I was afraid I wouldn't make the team.
But now
Now maybe I will.
We should, uh, probably keep cleaning
before Mrs. Guerrero gets home.
Yeah.
Not my Misty Macintosh!
Of course you have
a Misty Macintosh, psychopath.
Tell us where Anna Maria is,
or my, my, my, Little Red,
what short hair you will have.
You wouldn't.
But I would.
I swear, I don't know where my sister is.
I promise.
You guys have to believe me.
I already feel like I lost my dad.
I can't lose my sister too.
She's looking down to the left.
Rapid blinking. No actual tears.
She's lying.
We need to turn up the heat.
Who's next?
No.
Giddy up, buttercup.
No!
So, uh, I'll see you around?
There's a strong chance
I might be on lockdown till my twenties.
So
Uh, I can always ride
by your window and check.
Okay.
It's true, you know.
You are flutiful.
Wait.
You forgot this.
We can do this all day.
Still not talking?
No, she's not.
You need to tell us everything
so we can find your sister.
Or else, there's a certain stallion who's
gonna pay the price in the microwave.
Okay, all right, I'll talk,
but don't hate me, okay?
All I ever wanted was to be
a part of your slumber party.
And you guys were finally including me,
and we were having so much fun, remember?
I just wanted the fun
to last a little longer.
Penny, what did you do?
Well, my sister kept saying
I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
So I wanted to prove to her that I could.
Yo, spit it out.
She left a note this morning
on the bathroom mirror, and I took it.
You give-give me...
You give me this, you little...
She didn't say that she didn't
wanna go on the birthday hike.
She just said she didn't wanna go on
her birthday hike with her dad. Let's go!
Wait, guys!
Veronica! Please!
Only if you say
I'm your favorite sister for life.
You're my favorite sister for life.
Come on, I said it!
Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria! Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
- Anna Maria!
I think that's her.
- That's her!
- Oh, my God! Anna Maria!
Anna Maria!
Anna Maria!
Anna Maria.
Dude, we thought you were dead.
- We were seriously worried.
- Yeah.
They were worried.
I was like, "You guys, she's my sister.
I know her. She's fine."
Yeah I'm... I'm good.
Do you know why I'm wearing Santa pants?
What happened to your eyebrow?
And is that a duck in your pocket?
It's a home school thing.
Wait, why are you all bloody?
I don't know, but my face hurts.
Why did you come out here alone?
I couldn't sleep last night.
I was thinking about
all the terrible things I said to my dad.
So I came up here to sort things out, and
I don't wanna be angry anymore.
I love my dad
and I want him to be happy.
Even if this new version
of our family doesn't feel normal yet.
And I know normal is, like,
not even a thing.
I'm really sorry about what I said, guys.
I'm sorry about what happened
in the storage closet.
It's okay to be freaked out
about how much your family is changing.
Mmm. I'm sorry too.
But you're one of us now.
You're gonna be good.
Welcome to the club.
When you think about it,
nobody's family is really normal.
But even though it feels like everything
is changing, our friendship never will.
We gotta get you to your dad's wedding.
It's in, like, 30 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I need a shower first.
I look and smell like I've been
hanging out in a dumpster.
Hey we don't joke about that.
- Come on.
- Come on.
I'm really happy for you, Dad.
That doesn't feel like sarcasm.
I guess I should maybe try new things
before I decide to hate them
with the power of the sun.
Mmm, that sounds like a good idea.
So you'll try boba?
Mi amorcita,
I will never, ever chew my drink.
Oh, Dad, I think I just saw
Penny twerking in front of Grandma Olga.
Oh, Dios mo. Penny!
- Did she really?
- Not at all.
So good.
- Who are you calling?
- Mikey.
We're co-parenting.
Yo, it's your boy, Mikey.
Not here right now,
- so please leave a message after the tone.
- Voice mail.
Hey, Mike and Ike.
Just checking in on Bill,
making sure he's regular.
Call me back.
So, I heard you're staying over
at my place while my...
Our parents are on their honeymoon.
I'll try to stay out of your way.
No need. We're cool.
And your mom isn't the beast-troll
with bad highlights I said she was.
Thanks.
Wait, you said my mom was a beast-troll?
Were you not there?
My girls.
Look at this.
Hey, uh, Anna, uh, there's a surprise
for you waiting by the altar.
You guys are the best...
Hey, where'd you get that cake?
My dad made it.
Come here, guys.
Hey.
Come on.
Wait, I need to...
- To Anna Maria.
- Anna Maria.
- Anna Maria.
- Cheers.
- We love you.
- I'm licking the candles.
- Do not lick the candle.
- No, no, no.
Wait, what happened in the basement?
Why don't you tell us?
Well, basically, we took out the trash
and, um
- Oh, did you take out the trash?
- Did you take out the trash or
- Or did you take out the tra...
- We kissed.
No way!
Oh, I forgot to tell you guys.
My mom said yes.
Yes to what?
Duh, slumber party at my house!
Oh, no.
You guys need some plates?
- No, we're good. Thank you.
- We're good. Thank you so much.
Yo, was that
It can't be. Wait, Mesmer.
Man, Mesmer hustles.
You owe us a trigger word.
Oh, hi, girls.
What are the odds
I'd see you two events in a row?
Yeah, almost seems like three.
Wait.
So,
I didn't call you with the trigger word?
Ugh, sorry, I did the same thing
at a corporate event last week.
I'm all over the place.
We know.
You could use a vacation.
Okay.
The trigger word is...
W-Wait.
Look, you guys. Before we do this
- What's the matter?
- What's going on?
We need to make a pact.
Whatever we remember from last night,
we can't hold it against each other, okay?
Friendship first.
- Okay.
- Deal?
Deal. Unless it was you
who shaved off my eyebrow.
Come on.
Fine, deal.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Ready, ladies?
The trigger word is
The trigger word is...
The trigger word is
The trigger word is "Freshman."
- You!
- It was you!
- Oh, yeah!
- Veronica! Let it go!
Oh, look at her go!
Oh. Oh, oh, no. Oh, my gosh!
Are you okay?
- He... Here, here, here.
- Are you okay?
Oh, no, no, no.
Let me get it off.
Let me get it off. Okay.
- Okay, yeah. Cut-Cut the camera.
- Bye! Bye, bye, bye!
Shave it! Shave it! Shave it!
Shave it! Shave it! Shave it! Shave it!
- Oh, my God. Look.
- Shave it...
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Let's go! Let's go!
Guys, guys. Watch this. Park our.
Oh, yeah.
- Are you kidding me?
- Are you k...
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Oh, my God! That was insane!
Yeah.
You're so freaking awesome.
Yeah. I told you so.
I told you so. I told you so.
Hey. Hey!
Ooh. Whoa.
- Come on.
- Okay, Megan.
- Hey.
- What are you guys doing?
- Ooh.
- What are you doing here?
Let's go.
Open your eyes.
Jake, I'm flying.
Oh, my gosh...
I'm the birthday girl!
Close up on my face.
Guys, guys, guys, wait.
Guys, I'm Jake, and my...
I love you guys more, though.
I love you guys the most.
Hey, speaking of Jake,
are we ever gonna get that hedgehog back?
- Oh. Hopefully.
- Let's go.
- It's okay.
- Let's go. Let's go. Let's go!