The Third Wheel (2002) Movie Script

Gettin' freaky now
( rhythmic banging )
WOMAN ( giggling ):
Oh, my.
What are you doing?
You're driving me crazy.
MAN:
Well, it's a gift.
( woman giggling )
Ah, yeah
WOMAN:
Don't stop.
MAN:
Right there?
WOMAN:
Yes.
MAN:
Does that feel good?
WOMAN:
Yes.
MAN:
I thought so.
Who's your daddy?
Me?
WOMAN ( moaning ):
Yes.
Listen, uh,
I was gonna get up
and feed the fish
and maybe grab
a cup of coffee.
Is that okay?
WOMAN ( laughing ):
Yes.
Oh, yeah. I might make
a couple pieces of toast.
Would you like a slice?
WOMAN:
Yes.
Terrific.
You're the best.
Same time tomorrow?
WOMAN:
Yes.
Fantastic.
( banging continues )
When you feel like
You've lost your mind
I'll be the pleasure
With pain
Are you fine?
Stanley!
Stanley,
happy Halloween!
Hey, Frank.
No costume today?
Nah. Hey!
Whatcha got there?
No way.
Come on.
I thought you said
you wanted to be down
to fighting weight
by Christmas.
Yeah?
Did you cheat over the weekend?
No.
Stay strong.
Look, look --
I'm fat!
There! I said it!
It's not gonna make
a difference.
Give me a doughnut.
Come on!
You look great, okay?
So, just stick with it.
Good to see ya.
Come on.
I'm--I'm--
I'm a big guy.
I'm a big guy.
One doughnut.
One doughnut!
( snoring )
( conversing indistinctly )
MAN:
I specifically told you
I wanted that information
first thing in the morning.
Take a look at my watch,
buddy boy.
It's a quarter till 11,
and I don't see it.
Let me tell you something--
your performance is
lackluster at best!
MAN: I did it.
I just don't know
where I put it.
Can I bring it to you
in an hour?
In an hour?
You might not have a job
in an hour.
What?
What do you mean, what?
What do you think
you're gonna do,
pick up a paycheck every two
weeks and sit at your desk
playing grab ass, huh?
Is that what you think?
Hey, guys, I'm trying
to get a little wor--
Oh. Sorry, Dave.
I didn't see that was you.
What's goin' on?
What's goin' on is Rob's about
to find himself out of a job.
That's what's going on.
Yeah, I--I can't find
where I put the pages
on the Lasky account.
Aw, the one you were
working on yesterday?
Yes! Yes.
You worked all day
on that, man!
I know, day and night.
Well, I meant,
not to worry,
'cause I sent it down
to Personnel, yeah,
so it's all taken care of.
What?
I-I knew that
they needed it,
and I knew that
he'd finished it,
so I just figured
I'd run it down there myself,
like what you talked about
last week--
Just taking care of stuff
when we see it,
not waiting for
somebody else to do it.
So I just got it
down there.
I want you to track
down that report!
I need that report!
I'm sorry.
( indistinct conversations
in background )
Idiots, idiots, idiots.
I'm really sorry,
Dave.
You got, like, uh,
maybe an hour.
Thank you very much.
Yeah. Yeah.
( sniffs )
Whew.
Whoa. Dave.
Look at that tremendous
outfit, my man.
Very nice.
Really strong.
I'm a pirate.
Oh. You're a pirate.
Yeah.
I see. Terrific.
Hey, guys,
Dave's a pirate.
MAN:
Oh, really?
That's awesome.
See you, Dave.
( phones ringing )
Yes. On the house.
Hey. You guys see
the new girl?
No. Where?
She's fine. She just went
around the corner.
Who are you?
What is this?
I'm your dad.
Oh, come on.
No, it's like
a tribute, man.
I'm your dad.
W-what do you got going?
Clark Kent. See?
No, hold on.
You gotta do...
I like that.
It's all right.
I like it. I'll go.
What's-- What's this action
here? What do you got?
This action is called
"corporate climber."
( sighs )
Get it?
Corporate...climber.
( laughing ):
That's great.
It's not-- I mean,
that's kind of weak.
No, man,
it's not cool, not cool.
( sniffs )
( metal clinks )
Hey. Ha ha.
Stanley's dad?
Yeah.
That's good.
Did you guys see
the new girl?
I know. She's hot.
Smokin'.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She's got class
And she's got style
Style
She's got more than just
A pretty smile
MAN:
Okay, everybody, listen up.
Gather around.
All right.
Let me introduce
this lovely
young lady to my right.
Her name is Diana Evans.
All right, Diana's
gonna be helping us
beef up our
corporate division.
Let me tell you
some things about her--
she's young,
she is aggressive,
and we're happy
and lucky to have her.
Diana...
MAN:
Hear, hear.
Well, thank you for that lovely
introduction, Mr. Sykes.
I was just hoping
to slip on through here.
Uh, everyone looks so great.
Happy Halloween.
( giggles ):
Happy Halloween.
Uh...well, I'm really looking
forward to working here,
and I promise, next year,
I will wear a costume, really.
And if you have any questions
or you just want
to say hello,
you're welcome to come by
my little cubicle anytime...
especially the gentleman
in the back
with the white button-down
and the gray tie.
Who? Me?
Yeah, you.
She's got more than just
A pretty smile
Style
I have been waiting
my whole life for you.
( music continues )
And here you are.
You are my reason...
my purpose...
my destiny.
Wow.
( record scratches )
Thank you very much,
and I look forward to talking
with all of you.
Diana.
Okay. Let me show you...
( conversing indistinctly )
I'm gonna ask her out.
Yeah.
( sniffs )
Yeah?
Yeah.
You should.
Go for it.
Today?
Maybe.
Tonight?
Maybe. Maybe tomorrow.
( conga music plays )
( conversing indistinctly,
laughing )
WOMAN:
Whoo!
MAN:
Oh, oh, oh.
( moaning )
Hmph.
( music, conversing indistinctly
continue )
WOMAN:
Ay-yi-yi-yi!
( roars )
( laughter )
Hey, boss,
this is your chance.
Yeah!
Come on, honey!
Yeah. Wah-wah.
Oh. Whoop!
( phone ringing
in distance )
( ringing continues )
( horns honking in distance )
STANLEY:
Oh, no, meter maid, 2:00.
Lovely Rita, my ass.
We gonna help this guy out?
Who's got a quarter?
Come on. Who's got one?
You got one?
I don't have
any pockets.
I got one.
I got one.
I'm gonna put it
right by him. Come on.
WOMAN:
What a sweet thing to do.
( horn honks in distance )
Oh!
Nice toss.
STANLEY:
Uh, okay. I don't care.
You tell him I need files
on the Henderson account
by 3 p.m. today.
Yeah, by 3 p.m. today.
Yeah. Stanley Me--
That's right. Troubleshooter.
No, that's why
they brought me in.
Look, I skipped
business school, okay?
Yeah, no. You tell Flaherty
he can shove it up his ass.
Yeah. No.
No. Yeah. And listen,
if he wants to talk to me,
you tell him that
there are four elevators
and two flights of stairs
that lead all the way
up to the 12th floor.
You're not, uh, talking
to anybody, are you?
Hold on. No.
It's not a sweatshop.
They're all legal.
Why are you still
pretending?
'Cause it's fun.
MICHAEL: Hang up.
I gotta go. Yeah.
Are you ready?
For what?
I have some news.
What kind of news?
Lay it on me.
She broke up
with her boyfriend.
( imitates roar )
( whispers ):
What?
Diana.
Yeah. Diana.
Yeah. Diana.
( exhales )
MAN:
The interesting thing
about this fund
is it can also invest in
sponsored or unsponsored ADRs.
They're issued by our banks.
( yawns )
Evidencing their ownership
in specific
foreign securities.
The value of these
convertible securities
is a function of A,
its yield in comparison with
the yields of other securities--
Kill me.
MAN:
Comparable in maturity and
quality, but do not have...
This is it.
Right.
Right? There's you.
Yeah.
There's the woman you've been
in love with from afar.
There's the midget
she's been dating.
He's out of the picture.
Opportunity. Window. Window.
I understand it.
I'm just not ready.
I-I got this.
Look,
just talk to me.
Women love you, right?
Nancy constantly eyeing
the package,
always staring at it,
sizing it up, right?
The girl
from the dim sum--
Claire.
Claire. There you go.
Had a lot of hang-ups--
Claire.
That's al-- What about
the girl from Dj Vu?
Oh, my God!
That girl was all over you.
You went there,
and immediately,
she was just creeping on you
and, unh, unh, unh, unh,
unh, unh.
Remember that?
Touching up on you?
She loved you,
that girl.
That's a lap dance.
Still.
I think this mess
has gone on long enough.
I gotta tell you.
I think you've waited
too patiently,
through entirely
too many boyfriends.
The talk about the warm,
fuzzy feeling
you got when you saw her
in the elevator--
( elevator bell dings )
MICHAEL:
Makes me sick.
Bye. Have a good day.
Yeah.
( groans )
Now, you-- You have
planned out every second
of what you hope will be
the perfect evening.
Starting out in the right place
with a little cocktail,
bringing it over
for some theater.
Then you bring it back
to the restaurant-- Yeah!
You seal the deal
at the capper table.
Capper table?
It's your idea.
I'm just giving it a name.
I mean, that's what
you're gonna do--
you're gonna cap off
your evening.
That sounds sleazy,
and this is not sleazy.
Do you understand that?
S-shut up, okay?
Just shut up!
That's it.
You are ready.
This is it?
Yes. This is it.
And let me tell you why.
'Cause now we got window.
That's right.
I mean, you're ready
to throw in the towel,
and I'm telling you, this is
th-the perfect shining moment.
Right.
When one man
has not measured up.
No.
And the next man,
he-- He hasn't summoned
the courage,
the strength to reach deep
within himself
to draw forth his sword
from the stone.
It is Diana.
Yes!
Now we got window.
We got the window.
( squeaking )
The window you
talked about.
What-- What we got?
It's window.
You was tellin' me
about it.
Oh, no,
do we have window?
And now I'm telling you
about it!
BOTH:
It's a window! It's a window!
The window!
Hmm?
The window!
Window! Window! Window!
Window!
WOMAN:
On the phone here.
MAN:
He got window.
( Stanley winces )
MICHAEL:
Conference room.
Oh, that was funny.
What are you doin'?
Yeah?
You don't just say,
"Oh, that was funny."
You have to laugh.
Right. No.
Ha, ha, ha.
All right.
Y-you're killing me
here, okay?
Look, hold this.
This is polished.
This whole thing is honed.
Right.
Do it-- Do it like Ted
just told you the joke
three seconds ago.
Fresh, yeah.
You come in, "Ha, ha, ha,"
you know?
It gives you this great
energy going in.
Then you ask her
how she's doing. Then...
"Great." "Good."
"Sorry to hear that."
Depending on what she says.
Depending on what she says.
There you go. Then you segue
right into the joke.
Now, what if
the joke fails? What--
It doesn't matter.
It's Ted's joke.
Right. Right. No.
Make fun of Ted. He's an idiot.
Right.
That's the genius
of this.
So, is it on?
Yeah.
Yeah, man, it's on.
It's on.
( snickers ):
What's up?
I know, I know.
You are the man.
I'm excited.
Yeah.
( thud )
You get her laughin',
you get her smilin'.
That's when you slip in
the casual date.
Stanley, good luck!
STANLEY:
Thanks. It's just a thing.
Just very casual.
That's what it is--
It's a casual thing.
That's the whole key.
It's a casual thing,
and there she is.
STANLEY:
Oh, God.
I'm gonna-- I need--
I need to check out the card.
( mumbles indistinctly )
MAN:
And B--
Please don't do B.
Jeez, tell me about it.
Hmm?
Am I getting ahead of you?
Well, sort of.
Uh, heh, we can't understand
what you're saying.
Well...
whose fault is that?
Yours.
It's your fault.
We asked you
to come down here today
because we want
a better understanding
of how our divisions
could work together.
We're tired of our customers
leaving us to go to
Bear Stearns or Merrill Lynch
or whoever else
they're going to.
We didn't get that from you.
So now you can go back
to your little cubicle--
( cracking knuckles )
Get back on the horn,
comfortable knowing
that the nine people
you had lunch with today,
along with everyone else
that banks with us,
knows less about investing
than you.
Hmm.
( gulps )
( inhales sharply )
That'll do it.
Well...
( conversing indistinctly )
You know,
just kind of launch--
That's okay.
He's a magician--
You don't need this. Forget
this. You got it now.
I-I'd like
to just take a look--
No, you don't need it.
This isn't for you.
You have it up here.
Give it to--
Get rid of that.
Here we go.
Where's mad dog?
Come on.
( sighs )
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
You're quite welcome.
Mad dog.
You're the mad dog.
She's on
the rebound, man.
And I think someone else
noticed, too.
You're big enough.
You're strong enough.
Oh! Uhh! Diana.
Um...
( chuckles )
That was funny.
How are you?
Uh, good.
( phone ringing )
How are you?
Good. Great.
Sorry to hear that.
Hmm.
I figured I'd give you
a few options, you know?
Thank you.
Sure.
Joke.
S--uh, say,
Ted in the mailroom
just told me
a hilarious joke.
It was really funny.
Have you got a minute?
I'd--
Sure. Uh, but can you
walk me to my office?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
STANLEY:
There was this magician,
and he's playing
to a packed audience.
And for his big finish,
he kind of forces
this big guy from
the audience to volunteer.
( gasping ):
Yes!
Well, he gets the big guy
up onstage,
and he says to him,
"I want you to hit me over
the head with this sledgehammer
as hard as you can."
and then the magician
leans over
and whispers to him,
"Don't worry. It's a trick."
And then winks at him.
So the big guy
takes the sledgehammer,
raises it high into the air,
and then hits him--
the magician--
right over the head with it,
as hard as he can.
Oh, my God.
Right. Exactly.
Window.
Well, the magician just
collapses, goes down cold.
They rush him
to the hospital,
he slips in a coma.
He's doing it.
Six months go by,
and he's sitting by
the magician's bedside,
just like he always is,
and he notices
the magician's hand
start to twitch,
and then his arm--
( phone rings )
MAN: Diana's office.
Big guy can't believe it.
This guy hasn't moved
for months. Suddenly--
MAN: Kevin, line one.
I'll call him back.
And suddenly, he sits
straight up in bed,
raises his arms
above his head,
and screams, "Ta-dah!"
( laughing )
( snorts )
( snorts )
W--
That is so funny.
That's Ted's joke?
Oh, well, uh, yeah,
his premise.
I mean, I kind of fine-tuned it
and flushed it out.
That is funny.
Good. Good.
Do you want to come in?
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
Come on in.
Stanley's gonna ask out Diana.
Yeah.
She'll eat him alive.
Care to put some money
on it?
STANLEY:
Say, my, uh, best friend
from college,
my college roommate--
He just won a trip to Aruba,
and he can't use his tickets
for the theater tonight, so--
I mean, I know this is very
short notice and everything,
but I was just gonna run
the idea by you--
Sure. That'd be nice.
( whimpering )
Excuse me?
No, no.
I-it's totally casual.
You know, I'd probably
just give 'em away otherwise.
You know, no big deal.
Believe me, I'm in the mood
for totally casual.
I need totally casual.
Great. Great. Yeah.
That's what it is, you know.
It's just casual.
It's no big deal.
( paper ripping )
Great.
Well, here is my address.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Do you mind
picking me up at 7?
Not at all.
There it is.
DIANA:
Yeah.
Um...
I don't mean to be rude
or anything,
but, um, I kind of have
a lot of phone calls to make.
Tell me about it.
I-I'm swamped.
Good.
I've got-- I've got
a million things going on.
Yeah. Uh...
Well, this'll be fun,
Steve.
( phone ringing )
Great.
So, I'll see you at 7.
Seven. Bye.
It's, uh, Stanley.
But who wants to get technical
about something like that?
No way.
( dramatic music plays )
( clock ticking )
God, you're a pimp.
( both growling )
Uhh!
( dramatic music continues )
MICHAEL:
We're with you.
We're with you,
my brother.
Ride...
like the wind!
( skis whooshing )
For the man?
5 bucks, huh?
Yeah, let it ride.
Against?
You son of a bitch.
$20.
There's a believer.
Look at that.
Management showing up.
Okay.
Management showing support,
2 to 1 after 12.
The overnight date
pays 5 to 1.
( whooshing continues )
Very strong.
After midnight, pays 220.
( conversing indistinctly )
I think Stanley's
gonna get some puddin'.
I think it's sweet.
SARA:
Oh, God, this guy is
so not right for you.
I know. He's kind of dorky
and goofy,
but every other guy
I've been attracted to,
it turns out
to be a disaster.
Well, maybe that's something
you need to look into.
( exhaling )
( window rattles )
There's gotta be
one prince out there.
Oh, God.
Your white knight
who's noble and strong,
who opens car doors
and writes poetry.
Yeah.
You're looking for a guy
who slays dragons,
and, hi,
chivalry's dead.
Yeah.
So I'll lower my standards
with some jerk.
There's gotta be someone
out there for me.
Where's he taking you?
To the theater.
Boring.
Smells like
a "home early."
DIANA:
I doubt it.
I'm sure
he'll use the old,
"Let's go grab
a bite to eat."
What time does
the play start?
DIANA:
Eight.
Okay. You're home
by 10:30.
Oh, crap!
What?
Oh, nothing.
I'm making this bowl
for my mom,
and every time
I try to make the lip,
it turns into this great
big, enormous turd.
Well, maybe that's something
you need to look into.
Home early.
Sara...
I'll pray I'm wrong.
Bye.
Bye.
It's showtime!
( fabric tears )
( fan humming )
( dog barking in distance )
( horn honks )
Just act normal.
Just act relaxed.
DIANA:
Oh.
So, this is casual?
Oh. Yeah. Did--
S-should I change?
Ha, ha, ha.
No. Should I change?
No. No.
You look great.
I mean, yeah.
Jeans. It's great.
They--
they were originally
a working pant
in the Bay Area
during, uh,
the gold-rush days.
Oh. Yeah, I guess so.
Ha, ha, ha.
This is kind of a suit.
Here, I got you these.
Aww.
It's kind of a, uh, a mix.
Thank you.
They're so pretty.
Oh, yeah. Sure.
I mean, most of them
are real, I think.
( Diana laughs )
No, I'm kidding.
They're all real.
Hang on one second.
Okay.
I'm gonna go
bring this up.
( birds chirping )
( door closes )
( exhales )
( conversing indistinctly )
...anymore.
I used to like my college bowl,
I'll tell ya.
( rock music plays )
Hey, Michael.
What's up, man?
Not much.
How are ya?
Hi.
Hey, Ted. What's going on?
Good to see you.
Who called you?
How's holding hands?
Have they done that?
No.
Can you give me 100
on holding hands?
I'll put you down.
Okay. I have no cash.
All right. That's it.
Bets are locked, all right?
Get your money down.
You don't get it down now,
don't say I didn't warn you.
( crickets chirping )
( soft music plays )
DIANA:
I-it didn't sound right
when I said it,
so I'm sorry, heh, heh.
So Stanley,
I apologize profusely.
Steve.
Great name.
Not mine, but, yeah.
Apology accepted.
Thank you.
( music continues )
( people laughing, conversing
in distance )
( glasses clink )
Anyway, uh, what a great idea
to grab a drink.
It's very pretty.
No. Yeah.
Roses?
Damn. I don't wanna buy
no roses. I'm alone.
I ain't buying a rose
for my bread.
Now, don't you get no ideas
about this.
I saw what you did
to this chump over here,
selling roses
for $5 a pop.
It's just a weed
with some red leaves on it.
Now get your ass
up out of here.
I see how you
pressing in on the boys,
make 'em feel bad
in front of their girlfriends.
Bunch of player haters.
Yeah. Pfft.
So, what are we seeing,
by the way?
Well,
it's called America.
it's historical,
reality-based.
The kid at the college
newspaper loved it.
It's a monologue,
so the characters,
they talk one at a time.
Oh.
Well, that way, we would
know what they're saying.
( music continues )
( laughs )
( laughs )
I get it.
Yeah. Okay.
No, but, uh, i-it is--
It is supposed to be
very good, interesting.
Oh, I'm sure
it'll be fine.
I'm really excited
to see it.
And then, you know,
afterwards, if we're hungry,
we, uh, we can go find some
place, get a bite to eat.
You know,
I know a great new--
Hey, you just relax.
I'll be in charge
of the dining situation.
All right. I see.
( music continues )
So, what are you getting
to drink?
I-I don't know.
What are you gonna have?
Hey, you said relax,
so why don't you
just order for me?
Okay.
My dad used to do that.
Yeah. When we were kids.
Sometimes we'd love it.
Sometimes we'd hate it.
We never knew
what we were gonna get.
My dad's whole thing is,
"You just gotta grab
the bull by the balls."
That's "horns."
Well, my dad
always said "balls."
Roses?
Uh, we're friends.
It's-- It's casual.
She's just a co-worker.
Thank you.
Roses for the girlfriend?
I bought her flowers earlier.
Thank you, though.
Oh, and they were so beautiful,
so, no, thank you.
Roses for the girlfriend.
Roses for the girlfriend?
Okay. Give me one.
( mouthing words )
One? Just one?
( speaking Spanish )
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay. How much
for a-all these?
What are you doing,
Stanley?
How much for everything?
( people laughing
in distance )
I have to call mike.
I got to tell him about this.
( phone rings )
Hello?
Michael, it's Tee.
Yeah. How's our boy doing?
Weak.
Our boy just spent $75
on a rose.
Well, I mean, they're still
at the restaurant, right?
True dat, true dat.
All right.
You keep it real, man.
( beeps )
Vanilla Ice says that they've
arrived at the restaurant,
and they're still together.
I got him.
So...Tim...
Sara, oh, Cliff,
and Marv--
See ya,
wouldn't want to be ya.
You can stick around
for the party sub,
but you're
out of the pool.
Don't ever bet against my boy!
No.
Ted, take over
the board.
I gotta get to the theater.
Marilyn, let's go.
WOMAN:
I know...
Okay. Okay.
I'm in control. Uh...
So the next big payoff
is going to be
non-lip-to-lip lingering
physical contact
prior to the show.
And that's gonna go off
at, uh, 10 to 1.
WOMAN:
All right.
MAN: I got a question.
What?
Brief question.
You have a question?
Yeah. Uh, what are the odds
of them having no contact?
He doesn't touch her.
Nothing at all.
( indistinct grumbling )
Hey, hey, hey. Worry about
your own bets.
He's not the only one who thinks
Stanley doesn't have a shot.
You don't have a shot.
You didn't
have to do that.
No, I wanted to.
Ha, ha, ha. Uh-uh.
No, you didn't.
Yeah. I-I did.
I mean, the flower lady's
a heck of a closer.
I-I just got
a little confused.
You know, I didn't know
whether to buy one
or just the whole basket.
Then she kind of backed me
into a corner, and so...
Well, one
would have been fine.
Really?
I mean, i-is that--
You just never know
what to do.
I-I felt weird.
Do you know no one has ever
given me just one flower?
I mean, this is so sweet
of you,
but there's just,
you know,
something so elegant--
Ha, ha, ha, maybe not
this one--
About a single rose.
Just...
a single white rose.
( music continues )
That sounds great.
I, uh, I--
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
Yeah.
Excuse me.
( chair clanging )
Yeah, ha, ha, ha.
Careful.
Be right back.
( phone rings )
MICHAEL ( on voice mail):
This is Michael.
I'm out there somewhere
releasing the giant within.
I hope you're out there
doing the same thing.
( beep )
Michael, are you there?
Pick up. Michael.
Oh, God.
Okay, two things.
One, did you get the index card
from Diana's office?
Please tell me you did.
Please.
And I need a huge favor.
I need you to go buy
a single white rose,
( humming )
And place the rose
near the capper table,
uh, and please get this,
all right?
Please do this.
I gotta go.
I gotta go. Bye.
Ha, ha, ha.
Thank you.
Sure. Sure.
There you go.
( keys jingle )
( keys jingle )
It's unlocked.
( door locks )
( sighs )
Come on, now.
( laughs )
( door unlocks )
It's unlocked.
I think I was unlocking it
while you were locking it.
Right.
Off to the theater.
( car beeping )
( engine turns over )
( tires screech )
Stanley!
Wait one second!
( tires screech, thud )
Holy fuck!
DIANA: Oh, my God!
( weakly ):
Man down. Man down.
I didn't even see him!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
He came out of nowhere!
I'll call 911.
I never even saw him!
No! I-I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just--
So sorry.
Are-- Are you sure
you're okay?
I think I soiled my pants.
Stanley, be careful.
Okay. Well, don't move.
Don't move. Don't move.
I'll try. I...
Show's over, folks.
Go ahead. Come on. Let's go.
See? He's fine. He's fine.
Show's over. Thanks.
Are you sure you're okay?
Just try and get your knees
under your body.
You're sliding me under
the car, sir.
I've got that.
No. You're...
Okay.
I just want to figure out
if anything's broken.
You got it there?
( pained ): This is good.
Just try and get--
This is good.
Okay. All right.
There you go.
Just get your knees
under you there.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Okay.
STANLEY:
Just walk it off.
( coughs )
Here. We'll have
a seat right here.
There you go.
( exhales deeply )
I think I'm okay.
( moans )
My animals.
What?
My animal collection--
They're-- They're--
They're broken!
How many?
I don't know, 14.
No. No. 13.
I--I traded one for...
Well, how much were they?
I don't know! I got 'em
at different times.
( horn honks )
They were all
different prices.
It's all-- It's--
This is moving too fast.
If you had to put a dollar
amount on it, what would it be?
200?
Dollars?
MAN:
Oh, come on, buddy!
Move the car!
I-- I had a-- A...
( engine turns over,
tires screech )
A lion, a chimp,
and a-a squirrel...
A rat.
Okay. $200.
A mole. That's what it was.
It wasn't a rat.
I'm gonna write you
a check.
It was like a rat,
'cause it was small.
I don't take checks.
What, it's--
It's against your policy?
No. I don't...
( horn honks )
( vehicles passing )
I don't have
a check-cashing card.
Check-cashing card? So what?
It doesn't matter.
The branch is right there. You
just go there and you cash it.
Just be nice.
Okay.
W-what's your name?
Phil.
Okay, Phil.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
How can I help you?
By not hitting me
with your car again.
That'd be a big help.
I--I promise I won't hit you
with my car again.
Now--now, I--
W-what can I do for you?
Make--
Make me new animals.
I don't have a Bunsen burner
and, you know, like,
a long metal tube,
so...
Oh, that was--
Gentlemen,
Why don't we just
go to an ATM?
That way, you can
give Phil his money,
and we could just make it
to the theater.
( siren wailing in distance )
I'm really sorry.
( car door closes )
Just take care of him.
Just pay him.
Just get rid of him.
Well, this is cozy.
Yeah.
Isn't it?
( engine turns over )
Oh.
( inhales sharply )
I think there's blood
in my hip.
You got blood
in your hip?
I can feel it swelling.
Really?
PHIL:
You smell good.
( tires screech )
DIANA:
Thank you. So do you.
What is that, Old Spice?
( engine revs )
Ford Taurus.
DIANA:
You sure you don't
want to get checked out?
( Phil grunts )
PHIL:
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Hoo! What's with
all the flowers?
( laughs )
Well, uh, Stanley bought
all those for me.
Aren't they pretty?
Yeah. Yeah.
You guys on a date?
No. No. We're just
friends from work.
You know, it's casual--
That kind of thing.
He asked me
to the theater tonight.
Oh.
Yeah.
How's it going?
Good.
It d--
It doesn't look like
a date.
( thud, tires screech )
( clicks, beeping )
( horns honk in distance )
Okay. Uh, do you mind?
Not at all.
( machine beeping )
Anyway, I'll be home early.
I knew it!
I gotta go. Bye.
( cell phone clicks )
W-would you mind if I take
care of this transaction
without you peering
over my shoulder like that?
Thank you.
( machine beeping )
I moved away 'cause Stanley
doesn't want me to see
his secret code.
Hey, Phil,
she doesn't care!
Just stand there
and be quiet.
Will do!
( machine beeping )
STANLEY:
All right.
$200. I'm really sorry
for the inconvenience,
and take care.
Really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
( car door closes,
engine turns over )
Have a good one.
( siren wailing in distance )
( breathing heavily )
Do you mind if we, like, quickly
take him down to the hospital?
Is that okay?
No. Uh, yeah.
I'm sure that's--
I mean, I think you should.
Okay.
Uh...Phil?
WOMAN (on P.A.):
Dr. Tannaum to Radiology.
There goes
the first act.
Ha, ha, ha!
That's for sure.
What?
You can say that again.
W-what are you
talking about?
( elevator bell chimes )
I--I thought it was
a saying.
"There goes
the first act."
Have you ever
heard it before?
No.
Then how can it
be a saying?
I don't know. I thought
you were starting it.
MICHAEL:
Are you listening to me?
I'm halfway through
the first act,
and they're not even
in their seats yet.
Okay. Guys,
Michael's at the theater.
He says they're nowhere
to be found.
Ted. Ted.
Don't make an announcement.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm just--
MICHAEL: Shut up!
You know what? You're a moron.
You're off the board.
I'm canning you off the board!
I beg you--
You don't touch the eraser
for the rest of the night!
You give it to Sally!
But--
Ted, now!
( conversing indistinctly )
( beeps )
I'm off the board.
Oh.
Um...
I-I'm off the board.
MAN 1:
Aw.
MAN 2:
Oh, that's embarrassing.
( laughter )
Is that for me?
Just take it.
One second. Is that for me?
Thanks, sweetie.
Have a seat.
Okay. Where were we?
All right, I need someone
to back up Neal's 15.
WOMAN:
I'm in!
15 on groping. All right.
Attagirl.
WOMAN (on P.A.):
Dr. Sanchez to OR 2.
Dr. Sanchez to OR 2.
She's nice.
Yeah, I know.
That's, uh, why I was trying
to spend the evening with her.
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Phil... Do you see
that woman in there?
From the moment I saw her,
all I could think about was her,
so I planned
the perfect evening,
knowing full well
that if I ever got the chance,
I'd only have
one shot at it.
So, where am I spending
my perfect evening with her?
I'm with you.
Which woman?
The-the one in the hat?
Diana!
Oh.
( grunts )
"The one in the hat."
Diana.
WOMAN (on P.A.):
Dr. Rosen, 4721.
Dr. Rosen, 4721.
Phil...
have you ever felt like
you were just really meant
to be with somebody?
You know, like your whole life
was just kind of this big mess
that just kind of kept
happening up until the day
when this unbelievable person
came into your life,
and then, suddenly, you know,
you didn't feel so lost anymore?
You f-- You felt like...
everything you thought you'd
been doing wrong in your life...
you were actually
doing it right,
because that whole time,
she was coming closer to you.
You just weren't
smart enough to know it.
Or...brave enough
to just tell her.
WOMAN (on P.A.):
Dr. White to the ER.
Dr. White to the ER.
I--I had that once.
Yeah?
Yep.
That-- That's good!
You see? I mean, so you know
what I'm talking about.
I loved her...
I loved her
more than anything.
Well, what was her name?
Laura.
She gave me
my first glass animal.
And I left, and...
never saw her again.
Well, Phil...
when that happened to you,
i-it really upset you, right--
Inside,
to lose this Laura?
Well, that's how I feel
about Diana, you see?
And if one more thing goes wrong
with this evening, Phil...
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
The way you feel
about Laura...
You see?
That's the way I feel...
about Diana.
It's the same thing.
Got it.
Great.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
I'm gonna help.
I don't need it.
Phil, I don't need it, okay?
I hope you're smiling
'cause you get it. I do.
All right. Phil,
they're gonna take
some x-rays
just to make sure
everything's okay.
( broken glass rattling )
DIANA:
She said it should take
about 20 minutes, all right?
Here. Let me get this.
Then Stanley and I,
we'll see our play.
There you go.
X-ray? Why?
Yeah.
Oh, you'll be fine. It'll be
okay. It'll be quick.
( moans )
Oh, it's gonna be--
( grunts )
It's gonna be okay.
NURSE:
Come on! Come on, now.
Phil, I don't need
your help, okay?
Now, just relax
and take it e--
You need to-- To bust a move,
the rap number.
"Chick walks up,
you wish you could sex her.
"You're standin' on the wall
like you was poindexter.
Break it down for me, fellas."
I remember it.
Thanks.
No.
But you're the poindexter.
Phil, nobody's breakin'
anything down, okay?
Just take it easy--
You're the poindexter.
Thanks.
And I'm gonna--
MAN ( over intercom ):
Can we do this, please?
Just a second.
I'm gonna help you
bust your move.
You're not alone in there, Phil.
We're both watching.
( machine buzzing )
PHIL:
I don't think you know
what you want.
STANLEY:
Yeah, I do, Phil.
So, please, I-- I want
to be alone with her.
PHIL:
Well...I-I'm helping,
and I'm not changing my mind.
Everything, uh,
looks fine.
Nothing's broken?
Uh, no.
Thank God.
Great. Now, doc, I need to ask
you a really big favor here.
PHIL: What's goin' on?
When you give him back
his test results,
if you could just give him that,
I'd really appreciate it.
PHIL:
What are you guys
talkin' about?
I know it seems really weird.
But trust me.
When you talk to him--
PHIL: Stanley! Stanley!
When you talk to him
and see what I'm--
You're gonna--you're gonna
get what I'm talking about.
Uh, just tell him he can take
a cab anywhere he wants to go.
PHIL: Stanley!
Here's my home phone number.
He can call me tomorrow.
( rattling )
Hey, Phil, uh,
I'm gonna go check on Diana.
I'll be right back.
( whispers ):
I'm not coming back.
( in normal voice):
Okay.
( microphone clicks )
Thanks.
DIANA:
How'd it go?
Great, great.
You ready?
Yeah.
Is Phil coming?
Uh, he didn't want
to come.
He, uh,
said to say thank you,
but he'd rather be alone
right now. Go figure.
But, uh, yeah, he's gonna wait
for the results with the nurse.
They--
They kind of hit it off.
Oh. Well, good for him.
Yeah.
( elevator bell rings )
( up-tempo music plays )
( broken glass rattling )
STANLEY:
If we're lucky,
we may be able to catch
the end of the first act.
DIANA:
Good.
( door unlocks )
( whirring )
( tires screech )
STANLEY:
Thank God that's over.
( tires screech )
Okay. Where were we?
Time for America.
Man down.
DIANA: Stanley!
( tires screech, thud )
You promised.
DIANA:
You know,
you really are so amazing
with what you've been through
tonight. You sure you're okay?
( exhales sharply )
Now I am.
Well, we really should've taken
you back to the hospital.
No.
No. No. God.
That horrible,
horrible machine.
( exhales sharply )
So, uh, what happened
with the nurse?
What?
DIANA:
Well, Stanley said that you
and she were hitting it off,
and that's why you stayed
back there.
She had a fat ass.
( tires screech, engine revs )
( tires screech, thud )
STANLEY:
Sorry, Phil.
Yeah, I just don't want
to miss the ending.
Come on. Let's go.
It's just down here.
We'll go to Will Call
and pick them up.
Sorry.
Phil:
America.
Phil, we gotta run,
but, uh,
can't tell you
what a pleasure it's been.
So, uh...
Bye.
But I--
I have to...help.
It's okay, you know?
I think we got it.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
We'll see you later.
Take care.
Great meeting you.
Have a good one.
MAN ( on speaker ):
Ladies and gentlemen,
just a reminder...
Theater in the park is reliant
on your non-tax-deductible
contributions.
Third.
Yeah.
MAN (on speaker):
Please support us. Please.
Act two begins in one minute.
Excuse me.
( indistinct voices )
What happened?
What are you doing
here?
I got tickets.
For who?
Me and Marilyn!
Hey, Stanley!
You're a mad dog!
Diana.
Michael.
Really nice to see you.
Nice to see you too.
You look good.
Thank you.
Big fan of the,
of the play.
Really?
I come every night.
Every night.
I can't get enough of it.
How's it going?
( applause )
Good.
Good.
Good.
All right.
You're gonna be fine.
You're a mad dog!
Mad dog!
Go, mad dog! Go!
( barks )
Ha, ha.
This guy.
You know, I'm really kind of
worried about Phil.
Oh, I'm sure
he'll be fine.
Yeah.
Did he put something
in there?
Ha, ha, ha. No. I think
you have enough stuff in there.
Um, he seemed really sad when
we dropped him off, didn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
But, uh...no. Uh, he actually
seemed fine.
He seemed
kind of preoccupied
with, you know, just kind of
getting back to his life.
Right.
Well...
( steam whistle blows )
The Union Pacific
railway system.
( steam whistle blows )
When I was a little boy,
I used to stay up at night
just so I could hear
the train go by.
You see, my father--
Yes, my father--
Was the engineer...
...he would always give me
an extra, extra whistle.
Whoo! Whoo!
( steam whistle blows )
Ha!
( applause )
I wonder what took longer--
His monologue
or to actually build
the railroads.
( laughs )
( "Yankee Doodle Dandy" plays )
( pop )
This is dog shit.
Just dog shit.
You know, it's actually
so bad, it's good.
Oh, yeah, it's almost...
Don't you think?
Fascinating.
WOMAN:
We'll need the apple pies.
MAN:
You think that's good?
I think we might need a little
more hair spray if you want it.
Should be up higher.
Should be, uh, poofy.
Yeah, well...
'72 he wore it
real poofy.
Fire me up, there, fireman?
Here you go.
Uh-huh.
( music continues )
Style
She's got class
And she's got style
She's got more
Than just a pretty smile
The world seems sad
When she's inside
But when she comes around
It's like a miracle
She's got class
And she's got style
She's got--
( record scratches )
WOMAN:
...my mother's mother.
That would make her my granny.
We'd gather right here
in this very room
every Sunday afternoon
after services.
All the men sat
out on the porch
blowing smoke from their pipes
into some God-awful
configurations!
( conversing indistinctly )
And my mother...
she never mentioned
what happened...again.
She's still talking?
I think she's kind of working
her way towards the finale.
WOMAN:
Knit one, purl two.
Knit one, purl two.
( applause )
Knit one, purl two.
PHIL:
I-- I can't see a thing.
I mean...
( click )
Okay-- That's worse.
Who is this guy?
What the--
Who is this guy?
Uh...do something!
( siren wailing in distance )
( woman clears throat )
( woman coughs )
Do something!
Who is this guy?
Come on. Come on.
What is he doing?
I-- I--
I found this bread over--
Over there.
So, I-- I took it.
I like bread.
It tastes good.
It's good for you.
It's f-filling.
Y-you can eat it
hot or cold, which is...
I mean, t-that's good.
And...there's a--
There's a million
different kinds.
Hang on.
PHIL: Is filling, which is good.
Roll the slides.
No! Those are my slides.
Shh. Shh. Shh.
( "America the Beautiful"
plays )
There's...rye...
wheat...
whole wheat...
pumpernickel...
you know? Sourdough.
You ever have sourdough bread?
( crowd murmurs )
Egg, garlic, raisin, nut,
pita...
w-white...
wheat, whole-grain, or...
or multigrain
or even...a bun.
( laughter )
But the truth is...
it's all the same thing.
( crowd murmurs )
It all started out
exactly the-- The--
The same way.
( crowd murmurs )
But because we kneaded it
and-- And-- We shaped it,
it--
It turned out to be...
exactly what we--
What we wanted it to be.
( crowd murmuring )
( music continues )
I don't know.
( chuckles )
( crowd murmuring )
Food for thought.
( cheers and applause )
( music continues )
We hear you!
Curtain call! Yeah!
Curtain call--now. Go with it.
Smile! Smile, Custer.
Smile.
There you go. Come on.
Curtain call. Curtain call.
Yo.
You're a genius, man.
You're a genius!
DIANA:
You were so great, Phil.
You parked
in a tow-away zone.
STANLEY:
I don't believe this!
Come on! I mean,
it was right here!
I know. Ugh.
And--
I mean--
They took my bag.
Best thing in the show.
( air horn blows )
They took my bag.
You know what, Phil?
They took my car. My car.
Your-- Your bag of broken glass
just happened to be in it
because you left it
there.
I am really sorry,
and if you want to
call it a night,
you know,
I'll understand.
No, we'll find your car.
It's no big deal.
There.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
She's a keeper.
( cell phone ringing )
MAN: Ted, no! Don't!
Hello?
Ted?
Don't answer my phone.
I thought we made up.
WOMAN:
Who is it? Who is it?
MAN:
I told you Ted
shouldn't have done it.
Hey, sweetie.
How you doin'?
What's up?
You got to update the board.
I think we're looking strong.
Who's covering
the restaurant?
SALLY:
Um, Mark.
Tell Mark to get
his ass over there.
They should be there
in about 20 minutes.
Okay. Mark, I need you to go
to the restaurant right now.
Right? Mark's going.
Schnell! Schnell!
Hey! I got pies!
All right. Bye.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Come on.
Okay.
Dude, I thought
you were on the board.
No? Okay.
In the fridge.
Oh. Haven't been on a bus
in years.
Hi, uh, would you mind
if I write you a check?
You can owe me.
Thank you.
Who's on the bus?
STANLEY:
Okay, what are you doing?
All right?
Please don't make a scene.
I'm doing the bus song.
Bus song.
What's the bus song?
Bus song.
Okay, you're making me
uncomfortable, all right?
Let's--
Can we sit down, please?
Yeah. That's fine.
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Okay, Stanley, I'll sit down.
I don't have to sing the song.
Well, thanks, Phil.
I really appreciate it.
Hey, sit down!
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Mary.
Who's on the bus?
Mary's on the bus
And she's goin' to...?
Alvarado Street.
Alvarado Street!
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Bill.
PHIL:
Who's on the bus?
Bill's on the bus,
And he's going to...?
Spring Street.
Yeah!
ALL: Ha, ha, ha!
PHIL:
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Stanley.
Who's on the bus?
Stanley's on the bus
And he's going to...?
Dinner.
( laughs )
Dinner! Mmm!
PHIL:
Who's on the bus?
Everybody!
ALL:
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Who's on the bus?
Mahareinlu!
( laughter )
Who's on the bus?
Mahamumu's on the bus
And she's going to...?
Cerritos, California.
( laughter )
Mahamumu's on
The wrong bus!
STANLEY:
Mahareinlu's on the bus
Oh, boy.
"Who's on the bus?"
That was a lovely song,
Phil.
DIANA:
What are you doing?
PHIL:
Making shadows. Laura
and I used to do this.
DIANA:
Laura?
Hmm.
Is that a girlfriend?
Yeah. Sort of.
See how big
I can make myself?
Yeah, Phil.
You're huge. Yeah.
So huge. But look at
how big we are.
Oh!
( Phil growling )
( Diana laughing )
( growls ):
Who's that?
( growling and laughter
continue )
DIANA:
Ha, ha, ha! You don't have to
carry me anymore.
STANLEY:
Are you kidding?
I'm in the zone.
I mean,
my heart rate's up,
we just won a major battle
back there,
and, I mean, you got on
open-toed shoes, so...
DIANA:
So?
Well, I mean, I figured I'd
carry you to the street.
That way, your feet didn't
get dirty back here.
Oh, you didn't want my feet
to get dirty.
Well, I mean,
I could go either way.
It's just that,
you know, I figured
you like 'em clean,
you know?
Otherwise, you know,
you wouldn't have done
such a good job
washing them.
Ha, ha, ha.
There you go, my lady.
Well, thank you,
good sir.
Sir Stanley
at your service.
( laughs )
Come here.
You got your clothes a little
messed up carrying me there.
Oh. Thanks.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
You guys are having
a moment.
Kind of.
I never...
really had a moment.
I'm gonna go get the car.
I'll go, too.
I w-- I was, um...
I mean, I'm at the restaurant,
and Stanley and Diana are
nowhere to be found.
They're holding the table
for them.
He gave them 100 bucks.
The maitre d' told me.
All right. Look, just, uh,
just stay at the restaurant.
I'm sure they'll be there
any second.
And, uh, call Sally
and tell her that we're
on our way to the capper table.
How are you doing
in there?
You all right?
Ha, ha,
I'm doin' good.
Ha, ha. Okay.
It's over.
I got a bad feeling, okay?
Maybe there's
a change of plans.
True dat.
True dat.
What do you mean?
We've been through this.
You towed my car here,
and now it's somewhere
on your lot.
Well, you're gonna have to talk
to hank about that...
and he's on a break.
And he's on a break.
Yeah.
( sighs )
I like your flowers.
( laughs )
Listen here--
We got those out of
one of the vehicles.
( laughing )
I know.
You got them out of mine!
No.
Yeah, no.
Hey, listen, I don't care
about the flowers, all right?
I'd just like to
get the car back.
Hi.
Hi.
Everything all right?
Well, uh, yeah,
but this gentleman
won't release the car
until hank gets back.
He's on a break.
And he's on a break.
Uh, yeah.
Um...hi.
Hi.
( laughs )
Um, you know,
I'm trying to, uh,
ditch Fred and Barney
over here.
Yeah.
( laughs )
So the sooner
I get my car,
the sooner we can party.
Oh!
( laughs )
Me likey.
Well, break my heart.
Let me see what I can do.
Thank you.
Hey, Hank.
HANK:
I'm taking my break.
Yeah, well, uh,
you're gonna
want to see this.
We got
a little party treat.
What's so damn important
that it can't wait
till after my--?
( bowl clangs )
What can I do you for?
Well, listen, I was, uh,
telling your buddy here
that, um, I 'm trying
to lose some...
excess baggage.
( both laugh )
Hank, I got
the claim check on--
I'm handling this!
( clears throat )
Go on.
Yeah, it's the, uh,
'97 green Taurus.
Uh, yeah,
that one came in,
uh, a little
over an hour ago.
Yeah, it came in
about an hour ago.
Ooh!
( thud )
Ow!
( panting )
Mmm.
You stay there!
And don't move.
Let me, uh, show you
to your vehicle.
Thanks.
Oh, Carl will ring you up.
Ok.
Hey, Hammerhead,
get off your fat ass
and ring this guy up.
Thanks.
( laughs )
You ok?
Yeah.
All right, let's see
here, uh...
Right this way,
darlin'.
$179.50.
What?
$179.50.
It's, uh,
$55 for parking
in a commercial loading zone,
which you did,
$80 for the tow,
$44.50 for the
overnight storage.
It's only been here
an hour.
You know what?
We're gonna need some cash.
Uh, uh,
I don't have the cash.
( sighs )
PHIL:
Here we go.
( stanley sighs )
You can owe me.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
There.
Friend in need.
( laughs )
STANLEY:
No, Phil, we're not gonna
take care of it later, ok?
We're gonna take care
of it right now.
We're gonna
go to that ATM,
we're gonna get you
your money,
and even though we've had
some wonderful moments,
we're gonna call it
a night.
Call it a night?
Yeah, good night.
Well, we're ha--
We're having so much fun.
No, Phil, you're
having fun, all right?
But she--She's--
She's laughing.
Yes, Phil, but she's
laughing at you,
all right, not with me,
and right now,
there's a dinner
and a bottle of champagne
standing between me
and the rest of my life.
So I'm just asking you,
you know...
Let me have
my date back, ok?
( engine idling )
I still think
I'm helping. I do.
Well, you're not.
You're not.
So, uh--
Don't touch me.
Got it?
You got it.
Ok.
( groans )
Phil, you can still make
the cast party, all right,
if you leave right now.
Your loss,
sweet cheeks.
( laughs )
I'm sure it is.
Thanks, Hank.
( car bell dinging )
I'm sitting in the middle
this time.
All right.
Yeah.
Oh, he would have
to sit in the back.
Hey, Phil!
So, how are
my two favorite men?
( engine turns over )
good.
Wasn't that fun?
Yep.
( laughing )
( tires screech )
PHIL:
Phil's carsick.
I think I--I think
I'm gonna be carsick.
Phil, don't, ok?
Are you all right?
( sighs, passes gas )
I'm good.
( passes gas )
( laughs )
( sighs )
Yeah, I feel better.
False alarm, I guess.
( laughs )
See? She's laughing!
And you said
I wasn't helping.
Helping?
Helping with what?
( laughs )
( laughing )
Phil!
What's he talking about?
( laughing )
What's he talking about?
He's talking
about helping...
Mm-hmm.
Helping you, Diana. You need
to loosen up a little bit.
( laughs )
I need to loosen up?
You really do.
We got to talking
earlier,
and you're wound
pretty tight, you know?
You couldn't possibly
be talking
about someone else
in this car,
who happens to be sitting
behind the wheel?
Who, me?
No! Heck, no!
I'm like water!
I'm flowing!
I'm like a reed
out there,
just blowing peacefully
in the breeze.
Do I look tense?
I got the blinker on,
I got the blinker off.
I got the wiper on,
it ain't raining.
We're cruising along
peacefully...
With the hazards on.
( laughs )
Oh, yeah?
You want to see me
do something crazy?
I'll pull over
right now
and drink
some expired milk.
( laughs )
I'm just nuts,
just shape-shifting,
all kinds of stuff.
( laughs )
What?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
It's not gonna get
any greener.
I know, Phil.
I know.
Thanks.
( laughs )
Thanks.
DIANA:
Well, what are you gonna do?
I think
I'm gonna go buy glue,
get some newspaper,
lay that out,
put on some soup,
take a nap,
then I'm gonna do a little
triage on these babies here.
Bad news, Phil--
Uh, ATM's out of cash.
I'm really sorry,
but I 'm afraid you're gonna
have to come with us
while we grab a bite,
and then we'll go get your money
afterwards, ok?
Whatever.
I'm really sorry
to put you out like this.
DIANA:
I know a great place.
( car doors close )
Sounds good.
So, uh, how do we get
to this great place?
( laughs )
( whistles )
Hey! Guys, guys.
What are you doing?
I've made my own board.
( laughing )
Don't be ridiculous.
Guys, 12-to-1 odds that they
make it to the capper table.
Put me down for 20.
All right.
MAN:
The date's already over.
You don't know that.
It's done.
TED: ok.
Pathetic.
Let's go to
the big board, folks!
STANLEY:
It's yellowtail.
DIANA:
It's a fish.
Well, why--
( sighs )
Why is the rice
so clumpy?
Phil, would you just
shut up and just eat it?
Here, take a little of this
and put it with that,
and then you got
to dunk it in there,
then you just eat it.
It's good.
Yeah, it's good.
So, how long have you worked
at Smith Bates?
About four years.
You're kidding.
No, why?
Wow.
I just didn't think
you were there that long.
I've been over at the Van Nuys
office for a couple of years,
so we probably haven't
seen a lot of each other.
Really?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
There is no Van Nuys office.
You're kidding.
Yeah, there--
I noticed that I was
one of the only people
around the office most
of the time, but I just--
( coughing )
( phil groans )
We've ridden
the elevator together
quite a few times.
Hmm, yeah.
Do you remember?
I think I do recall.
I'm usually so focused
at work that--
But I do think--
Yeah, I have ridden
the elevator with you.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I have.
( coughing )
( laughs )
( groans )
Spicy.
( laughs )
Yeah, spicy.
Mmm, you like that, huh?
Here, Phil, kind of...
Go like that.
You just got a little
right here,
some of the spicy stuff.
You got it right here
in your teeth.
Where?
Right there.
I can't--
I can't get a fix on it.
I'd go to the bathroom...
Phil, Phil, Phil...
Bathroom.
It's still there.
All right.
( chair scrapes on floor )
He's quite a character.
Really?
I thought
you didn't like him.
He actually kind
of grows on you, you know?
He does, doesn't he?
Oh, oh, sorry.
( French accent )
Yes, yes, you are moist,
but the moisture
is from the beverage
I have just spilled
on you.
( laughs )
No, no,
shocking at first,
but I know that you will, uh,
become used to it,
if not even prefer it.
Merci.
What a great
French accent.
( normal accent )
Yeah, well...
I spent a little time
in England, so...
( laughs )
Come here.
Got it.
You had a piece of lint
in your hair.
Oh, good.
Thank you, yeah.
Is that it?
Is everything out of there?
I don't know.
There might be some more.
Isn't this perfect?
Oh, God, it's Kevin.
Who's Kevin?
My ex-boyfriend.
How are you?
Wow, huh?
Wow.
You don't waste
any time, do you?
Um...
Should I get the check?
No.
Don't do this.
Do what?
This.
Is this a friend
from work?
Probably consoling you
because you're so torn up about,
uh, breaking my heart.
Kevin, I am sorry,
but this is not
the place for this.
We both knew
this wasn't working out.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess.
That's just perfect for you,
though, isn't it?
You love the bullshit,
don't you?
You love the bullshit.
The struggle to connect,
try to change a guy
you know will never change,
and then it's his fault.
Then he didn't
measure up, right?
You blame him.
So then you dump him,
and then nobody ever really
has to get close to you,
and everybody keeps thinking
you're perfect.
Well,
I'm far from perfect.
Heh. No shit.
And you're a shining
example of that.
Wow. Man, I mean...
What's he got,
Laker tickets or something?
Wh-what is it?
I mean--I mean,
you got a lot of money
or something?
You got a sports car,
big house, what?
Is that what you think
I'm about?
Shut up.
You shut up.
What?
What did you say?
PHIL:
That's my seat.
Uh, Phil...
Not--Not right now.
Oh, no, is he with you?
Mm-hmm. Don't.
Oh, man.
Hey, how's it going?
( laughs )
Kevin, stop.
No, no, it's all right.
Rain Man wants to know
what's going on.
I'll just fill--
Fill Rain Man in.
See, uh, this creature
just, uh, broke up with me
like three days ago,
and now she's--
She's out there
with her hands
in your buddy's pants,
so I was, uh,
I was thinking of taking him
outside and whipping his ass.
Just kind of as a thing,
you know? I mean...
If you have
a problem with that,
maybe you can
come with me and we--
Stop it.
You're embarrassing
yourself.
Have a little dignity.
( sobbing )
PHIL:
Now, now.
Shh.
( sobbing continues )
Puff the magic dragon
Lived by the sea
I'm so sorry.
( sobbing, sniffling )
( broken glass rattling )
( siren in distance )
DIANA:
I'm so sorry about
what happened back there.
Don't worry about it.
But I am.
Apology accepted.
Are you ok?
Yeah, sure.
I'm fine.
You were laughing.
Yeah, I was having fun.
It was lovely
to meet you, Phil.
Back at you.
He's a good egg.
Yeah, he is.
He's definitely
a good egg.
I just wish his shell
were a little harder.
Well, uh,
good night, Phil.
Later.
Are you sure you're gonna be
ok around here?
Yeah,
now that I got my money,
tomorrow I can start collecting
my menagerie again.
( broken glass rattling )
Wait a second.
Your what?
What?
Just now in the car,
you said,
"Tomorrow I can start
collecting my..."
Animal menagerie.
Glass-animal menagerie?
Phil, this woman,
the one that you're
in love with,
with the dancing and the shadows
on the wall, Laura--
Was--Was her last name Wingfield
by any chance?
Her--Her brother Tom introduced
you two maybe?
Yep, that's the one.
What do you mean,
"Yep, that's the one"?
I mean, did it happen
or not, Phil?
Yep, that's--
From a book,
you idiot, right?
The play,
The Glass Menagerie,
by Tennessee Williams?
I don't--
Her brother, Tom,
did he introduce you two?
What's in the bag?
Let me--
Let me see the bag.
No.
What do you mean, no?
Let me see the damn bag!
I don't want to!
I don't care what you want!
It's my bag! It's my bag!
Stop it!
Does it really matter
what's in his bag?
He ruins
our entire night--
Stanley, he didn't ruin
our evening.
This is ruining our evening.
( phil sniffling )
Just--Will you please
take us back to my apartment?
N-now he's sleeping over?
No, he's not sleeping over,
but we can't
leave him out here.
He doesn't have
a place to go.
I'm gonna find the guy
a place to sleep.
( car door opens )
This is perfect.
( car door closes )
Good night.
Come on, Phil.
Nice try, champ.
I'll be right down, Phil.
I'm just gonna make
a couple calls for you.
( door opens )
( broken glass thuds )
( door closes )
( sighs )
"Nice try, champ"?
( tires screech )
Yeah, I'll hold.
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
Oh.
I didn't even hear you come in.
You scared me.
Um, I 'm just on hold.
I'm just trying to find
a place for you tonight.
It should just be
a minute.
( tires screech )
Diana.
Hang on one second.
Yeah?
I like you.
Well, I like you,
too, Phil.
No.
No.
I mean, um...
I like you.
Just relax.
Stanley!
Uhh!
Stanley, be careful!
It took you long enough.
Hi, how are you?
You're breathing on me.
Pick me up,
throw me into the doorjamb.
Oh, yeah.
Careful!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
Don't ever put your hands
on a woman like that again!
Uhh!
What are you, an idiot?
Sorry about that.
Uhh! Ow!
I'm gonna beat you
like a rented mule, man!
Let him go!
Hold on, 'cause I'm not even
done with you yet!
( panting )
And stay out!
How sweet are you?
Not that sweet.
I, uh, called Michael
when we were having
drinks
and asked him
to put that there.
I mean, this was supposed
to be the perfect evening,
and not one thing's gone the way
it was supposed to.
Look at you.
I don't like caviar.
Ok.
I don't have great abs.
I mean, they're not bad,
they're just not
that good.
I haven't traveled much.
I can't watch
a lot of foreign movies
because I spend so much
time with the words,
I can't tell what the people are
doing on the screen.
I'm not a very good cook.
I'm an all-right dancer.
I'm also pretty sure
I'm going bald...fast.
And, well...
Phil...
H-he--he wasn't
trying to hurt you.
He was--he was just
trying to get me
to stand up
for something.
You...
You really moved me.
I watch how you are
with people
and how you can change someone's
day with your smile
and how you
just seem oblivious
to the admiration
of the people around you,
and you're bright
and beautiful
and warm and charming
and funny,
and your laugh--
I--
It makes me laugh.
And...
I just wanted
to tell you these things,
even if you go back
to calling me Steve.
I like foreign films.
I figured.
And, hmm,
other than that,
I don't have any problems
with your list.
You know what?
I figured out
our friend's little plan
after you threw him
against my wall
and broke my vase.
You'll be reimbursed
for that.
No one can plan
a perfect evening...
Even a wonderful guy
who writes
how to ask a girl out
on an index card.
Come here. I have to tell you
something else.
Hmm. We did good, girl.
We did good.
I had a wonderful time.
Really?
Yeah.
The eagle has landed.
We have contact!
( all cheering )
Come on!
Ohh!
Can I kiss you again?
Mm-hmm.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Oh! Look at them!
Look at them!
Oh, god!
Look at them!
Look at you.
Look at me.
I always wanted to get
my swerve on on my bike.
Always?
This hasn't gone
so bad.
Not at all.
You know, you're embarrassing
yourself now.
I'm trying to parlay!
Oh, really? I thought
the point of a parlay
was you're supposed
to win some money first.
Good luck.
Asshole.
How you doin'?
All right.
Will that be all?
Let me get a bag.
I'm driving.
Shotgun.
For work.
What do you do?
What don't I do?
What are you doing
tonight?
Tonight?
I took the night off.
You have a good one.
( glass shatters )
( engine turns over )
Bust it
Huh
Yeah
( young m.c.'s
"bust a move" plays )
Huh
Hey, eyes on the road,
not the scratches.
Don't tell me--
Eyes on the road, not--
( both screaming )
( tires screech,
glass rattles )
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
( weakly )
Man down. Man down.
Ho
This here's a jam
For all the fellas
Try to do what
Those ladies tell us
Get shot down
'Cause you're overzealous
Play hard to get
Females get jealous
Ok, smarty
Go to a party
Girls are scantily clad
And showin' body
A chick walks by
You wish you could sex her
But you're standing on the
Wall like you was Poindexter
Next day's function
A high-class luncheon
Food is served, and you're
Stone-cold munchin'
Music comes on
People start to dance
But then you ate so much
You nearly split your pants
A girl starts walkin'
Guys start gawkin'
Sits down next to you
And starts talking
Says she want to dance
'Cause she likes the groove
So come on, fatso,
And just bust a move
Oh, hey, yeah, huh
Oh, hey, yeah, huh
Just bust a move
Ha ah, hey
Ha ah, hey
Oh, hey, yeah, huh
You're on a mission
And you're wishin'
Someone could cure
Your lonely condition
Lookin' for love
In all the wrong places
No fine girls
Just ugly faces
Some frustration
First inclination
Is to become a monk
And leave the situation
But every dark tunnel
Has a light of hope
So don't hang yourself
With a celibate rope
Your movie's showin'
So you're goin'
Could care less
About the five you're blowin'
Theater gets dark
Just to start the show
Then ya spot a fine woman
Sittin' in your row
She's dressed in yellow,
She says, "Hello
Come sit next to me
You fine fellow"
You run over there
Without a second to lose
And what comes next
Hey bust a move
And you want it
You got it
And you want it
Baby, you got it
Just bust a move
And you want it
You got it
You want it
Baby, you got it
In this city
Ladies look pretty
Guys tell jokes
So they can seem witty
Tell a funny joke
Just to get some play
Then you try to make a move
And she says, "No way"
Girls are fakin'
Goodness sakin'
They want the man
Who brings home the bacon
Got no money
and you got no car
Then you got no women
And there you are
Some girls are sadistic
Materialistic
Lookin' for a man
Makes them opportunistic
They're lyin' on a beach
Perpetrating a tan
So a brother with the money
Can be their man
So on the beach you're
Strollin' real high rollin'
Everything you have is yours
And not stolen
A girl runs up
With somethin' to prove
So don't just stand there
Bust a move
And you want it
You got it
You want it
Baby, you got it
Just bust a move
And you want it
You got it
You want it
Baby, you got it
Break it down for me, fellas
Huh, hey, yeah, uh
Your best friend Harry
Has a brother Larry
In five days from now
He's gonna marry
He's hopin' you can make it
There if you can
'Cause in the ceremony
You'll be the best man
You say neat-O
Check your libido
And roll to the church
In your new tuxedo
The bride walks down
Just to start the wedding
And there's one more girl
You won't be getting
So you start thinkin'
Then you start blinkin'
A bridesmaid looks
And thinks that you're winking
She thinks your kinda cute
So she winks back
Now your feelin' really firm
'Cause the girl is stacked
Reception's jumpin'
Bass is pumpin'
Look at the girl
And your heart starts thumpin'
Says she wanna dance
To a different groove
Now you know what to do
So you bust a move
And you want it
You got it
You want it
Baby, you got it
Just bust a move
You want it
You got it
You want it
Baby, you got it
Move it, boy
Uh, uh, uh, hey