The Three Stooges (2000) Movie Script
How old are you?
Seventeen.
Come on,
you're older than that.
No, I got
a birth certificate.
You couldn't get
that dirty in 17 years.
How about you?
How old are you?
I was seven two years ago
in Stanford, Connecticut.
Well, that
makes you nine.
Not until I get
back to Connecticut.
Hey, what's
the big idea?
Pick on somebody
your own size.
You see that?
Yeah.
Hey, you guys.
Moe.
Moe.
Hmm.
Moe?
You're not going back
to the studio today.
Harry needs
a little help.
It's a mitzvah,
you know.
I need to keep busy.
You got your garden.
It's not the same thing.
I'm late.
All right, ladies,
who's next here?
We fix anything.
Cut rate.
Prepared while you wait.
And that ain't all.
Zoop.
Pardon me,
could we...
No.
This is all your fault.
No, it isn't.
Oh, a radio.
You want to take the $32
or try for the $64?
I'll go for the $64.
Okay.
Why can't a chicken
lay a loaf of bread?
She ain't got
the crust.
You win.
Give me. Give me.
Get out of here
and take that radio with you.
Get busy.
Short wave?
No, permanent.
Excuse me,
are you, uh...
Oh, no, I'm just
a delivery boy.
Here you go.
Where you been
with my sandwich?
I'm dying here.
Pastrami on rye.
With Russian?
Sure. Like always.
So I, uh, I saw some suits
in the screening room.
They're running
our old two-reelers.
What's going on?
Screen Gem guys think
maybe they can make
a nickel or two
selling the stuff
off to television.
Oh, yeah?
What's in it for us?
Well, I'll see
what I can do,
but you know
what your contract says.
No fees, no residuals.
Bupkes.
That stinks, Harry.
That stinks.
Forty years in the business.
It's like I'm working
for Healy again.
No fees.
You didn't do
so bad by Healy.
If it hadn't been for him,
you wouldn't be where you are.
Which is where
exactly?
Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
Hello, what's on your mind
this morning, Mr. Shean?
Everybody's making fun
of the way our country's run
All the papers say
we'll soon live European
Hey, Healy,
where'd you get that voice?
The fog horn store?
Why, Mr. Shean!
Why, Mr. Shean!
Shut up, will you?
You're making me seasick.
Cut the music.
Hey, fellow,
you think anybody can do this?
You do it.
Okay, come on up.
Me?
Yeah.
Yeah? All right.
I bet his wife don't even
let him sing in the bathtub.
Hey, didn't your mother
ever tell you
not to interrupt?
You're hitting too hard.
They got to hear it
at the back of the hall.
They'll hear it just fine.
Just loosen your fingers up
a little bit.
Okay, wise guy,
start singing.
Take that! Oh!
Get him, Moe.
Damn it!
I got him, Moe.
Give me that.
Give me that!
Shemp!
I got him!
I got him!
Here. Take that!
Take that!
What's a matter with you?
This ain't funny anymore.
Now, that's funny.
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
That's my wife here.
Bring down the curtain.
W-Would you...
No, no. No, no, no.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Uh, you're on,
Fienberg.
Now get out there
and keep them
from starting a riot.
But Mabel ain't
down yet.
Make something up.
Hey, Ted?
It's okay.
You got a beef?
Let's hear it.
Me?
Yeah.
You don't have to
make it hurt so much.
Your brother's
starting to sound
ungrateful.
Ted, it's...
Hey.
They love him.
Yeah.
You show him,
Mr. Policeman.
If you don't like it,
I can always get
another stooge.
Come on, Mr. Healy,
he doesn't mean
anything by it.
He's just
a little sensitive.
Is that right?
It's a lucky thing
tonight's your last show.
That guy you clobbered
with a bear,
what if he sues?
Say, listen,
one of these days
he's going to be telling
his grandkids
about the night
he got to play a sketch
with the great Ted Healy.
Beat it.
Here you go, boys.
You earned
your keep tonight.
I tell you, Moe,
that guy gives me
the willies.
Everything gives
you the willies.
You'd put a leash
on your own shadow
if it would keep it
from following you.
When are you going
to stop letting him
chisel us?
The box office guy says
Healy makes a grand a week,
and all we see is
a lousy C-note.
He can't get away with that.
Oh, yes, he can.
He's the headliner.
Look, I know he's rough,
but we're stooges,
a dime a dozen.
Just take the money
and keep your mouth shut.
We'll be okay.
Okay?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
What do we got here?
Sweetheart, who do you like
in the fifth race tomorrow?
They all look
like nags to me.
Hey, what do you say
we go to a speak
after the second show?
Say, you know,
now that you mention it,
I'm feeling
kind of thirsty.
Surprise, surprise.
Caught your act, kid.
You got potential.
Thanks, Mr. Healy.
What's your name?
Me, I'm Larry Fine.
That there's my wife, Mabel.
Hiya.
This is Moe Howard
and his brother Shemp,
short for Samuel
because his old lady
couldn't pronounce it right.
I like the bear bit.
Oh, gee, thanks.
Where'd you get the hair?
Oh, my mother
blames my father.
You play
houses much?
They love me in Peoria.
Pretty big break for
you sharing the bill with me.
Listen, kid, I got
a proposition for you.
If you wear your hair that way
and forget the tails,
you can join us
for $90 a week.
$100 if you
forget the fiddle.
For $100
I'll forget everything.
I like this guy.
Hey that's $100 now,
right?
It's $100.
All right.
So Paddy on his deathbed
hands his best and
only bottle of whiskey
to his friend Mick.
"Mick, would you do something
for a dying man?" he says.
"Anything, Paddy,"
replies Mick.
Wait for the punchline now.
So Paddy says to Mick,
"Wait until they put me
in the cold, cold ground,
"and then pour
the whole bottle over me
"to keep me warm,
will you?"
And Mick answers,
"Sure, Paddy,
"but would you mind if I pass
it through my kidneys first?"
Who the devil are you guys?
"This will introduce
three charming gentlemen.
"They are very talented.
"They sing,
"dance,
"do female impersonations,
"even acrobatics.
"In fact, they are
the best act of this kind
in the nation.
"Very truly yours."
Who wrote this?
I did.
Now that's funny.
There you go.
Pair of ladies.
Kings over tens.
All in a row.
Wait a second.
That pot is mine.
What are you
talking about?
A straight
beats a full house.
Get out.
Come to papa.
Hey, get your hands off.
It's my pot.
It's mine!
The hell it is.
Look me in the eye
and say that.
All right. The hell it is.
What did you do?
Do you think that's funny?
When he does it to you.
Oh!
Love it
when he does it to you!
Now, that's funny.
Hey!
$100. $100. $100.
There you go, boys.
Don't spend it all
in one place.
Sorry to run out on you,
but a very rich lady
is waiting for me
in a penthouse apartment.
She's got a driver outside.
If Betty asks...
We don't know nothing.
I knew
I could count on you.
Break a leg.
And your head.
Healy ever heard
of a raise?
Maybe you should try
saving a little more
instead of spending it all
on the ponies.
Not everybody can
live on $25 a week
like you, Moe.
I send $19 home.
That leaves me six bucks
after expenses.
Yeah, and you just
piss that away.
Come in
Come in
Oh, uh...
Which one are you?
I'm Moe.
Larry, Shemp.
Where's Healy?
We don't know nothing.
Yeah, where is
that louse?
Oh, boy, here we go.
Okay, spill it.
Who's he two-timing me with
this time?
Now, just take
it easy, sister.
Forgot my...
Oh,
here he is now.
...cane.
Remember me?
Now, Betty, don't go
jumping to conclusions.
Now, I'm through
hearing you double-talk me.
Get it? Now, you listen.
Hey!
I know how to use this.
I'll shoot you, you louse!
No, Betty!
Come on! Put it away.
Come on, don't shoot.
Put it away, Betty.
I'm going to kill you, Ted!
I can explain.
Run!
Is it like this
every night?
Tonight's
kind of slow.
Ted!
It's okay, boys.
She just winged me.
Mr. Healy,
I represent
20th Century Fox.
Boys.
We're on our way
to Hollywood.
My Ted, a movie star.
Imagine that.
Get ready, boys.
There's millions
to be made
in the picture business,
and our only competition
is idiots.
I say good luck
to the best man,
or all of us.
Here, here. Cheers.
Here we go.
Come on, tell them.
Boys, Betty and I have
decided to make it legal.
That's terrific, Ted.
It's really something.
You know, if the guys
get work in pictures,
they'll be home a lot more
than they're on the road.
Don't think I don't know
my Larry's got
a wandering eye.
But it don't bother me.
He always comes home
to mama.
At least I haven't got
that problem.
Moe's steady.
So's Shemp.
Besides, none of
those chorus girls
would put up with him.
When we got to
our compartment,
he made me check it
for bed bugs.
Hey, what's eating you,
kid?
You know how many train wrecks
there were last year?
Oh, Shemp, would you
stop being a worrywart?
It's time to celebrate.
Yeah? What's to celebrate?
Stop brooding.
I'm not brooding.
I'm pruning.
Tell that
to the camellia bush.
I made some lemonade.
Okay.
Oh, we have company.
I'll get it.
What can I do for you?
I-- I'm sorry to barge in here
like this, Mr. Howard.
My name is Cosgrove.
Sorry, kid,
I don't do interviews.
Oh, this isn't about
an interview, Mr. Howard.
I came to the Coast
to look at some of your
old shorts for broadcast.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I remember you from
the screening room, right?
Moe, don't be rude.
Ask him to come in.
You're the young man
I talked to on the phone
today, aren't you?
Yes, yes. Hi.
Wait a minute.
You know this kid?
Your wife was kind enough
to invite me over.
I see. A conspiracy.
And I came to ask you
to honor us with a visit.
A visit?
And not just you,
the whole Three Stooges
to do a show in Boston.
What--What are you
talking about? Do a show?
A live appearance,
like in the old
vaudeville days.
A revival.
Oh, a revival.
Yeah, that's nice.
Kid, it's not just me
you're wearing out,
it's the welcome mat.
Moe, maybe you should listen.
The Three Stooges
are over, kid.
Ancient history.
They're dead.
Look at the water, Shemp.
Isn't it beautiful?
Who knows what kind of germs
they got in there?
Hey, they say
the weather is like this
all year round.
Blue skies,
warm temperatures.
I bet you can barbeque
year round.
And garden.
Always wanted
to have a garden.
Where's all the people,
the sidewalks,
the schmutz in the air?
Now, listen.
If they offer us
a contract, fellows,
I say we take it.
We do and we're joined
at the hip with Healy forever.
With the Depression on,
Shemp, work is work.
And Healy is Healy.
Maybe we should get
one big house
and all share it.
Nothing doing, sister.
Larry and I are
going first class.
A nice hotel,
room service, the works.
A suite.
What would you do instead?
Sell apples
on the street corner?
Go back to mama
in Brooklyn?
You never
finished high school.
Neither did you.
You don't need no diploma
to be in pictures.
Oh, hello, there.
Hey, what are you
looking at?
Hey,
I'm just looking, baby.
Come here.
Just looking.
We got to look to the future,
fellows,
even if it means
sticking with Healy.
Nobody's gonna see
vaudeville anymore
now that they got
talking pictures.
What are you saying,
we got to talk?
And you're calling me
a scaredy-cat.
I need some pastrami.
California is for
fruits and nuts.
You are a fruit.
I'm not
letting you drive,
cement-head.
Is there really a lake
in Toluca Lake?
I think so.
It's over there.
Maybe it's over there.
Nice house you got.
We're renting.
Maybe after
the picture's finished,
we can afford
a down payment.
Shemp and I are
looking around, too,
but we haven't found
the right place yet.
Ah, none of this
housewife stuff for me.
Let someone else
do the work.
Larry and me,
we like big hotels.
I'm sick of
living out of suitcases.
I was saying to Moe,
it would be nice
to settle down.
What, in this burg?
It's a little quiet.
Well, the boys are
enjoying themselves.
Larry comes home
from the studio so excited.
He says he can't believe
he can get paid so much
for standing around
and being funny.
I'm not so sure
about Shemp.
He shakes like a leaf
every night.
I got to hold on tight
to keep him
from falling out of bed.
You know, Moe says
Healy's worse than ever.
The hell with Healy.
Maybe we're all getting
a little ahead of ourselves.
I mean, who knows
if it's even gonna work out?
Who are you kidding?
It's going to be terrific.
Yeah, it'll work out.
Moe will find a way.
He always does.
To success.
Success.
Success.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here we are
at the fabulous State Theater
in Hollywood
for the world premiere
of 20th Century Fox's
Soup to Nuts
starring Ted Healy.
And here he comes now.
Thank you very much.
It's a great night.
A great night.
I told my stooges
they're gonna get along fine
in Hollywood.
Out here they've
got lots of company.
So, what'd you think?
This is stooge central,
the land where...
Boo-hoo. A real stinker.
...all good stooges go.
Pretty soon
they'll be city supervisors.
Okay, baby,
here we go.
That's great.
See you, fellows.
Here you go, honey.
Mind your head. All right.
Just relax.
Thank you.
Here we go!
Fox bubbly tonight, huh?
This is
traveling in style.
You bet you.
Mr. Howard, Buddy Sheehan,
20th Century Fox.
How are you?
Let me come to the point.
How does a seven-year contract
with the studio
sound to you and your boys?
Well, sir, uh,
you better talk
to Ted Healy first.
This arrangement
would not include Mr. Healy.
Think about it.
The offer's good
until first thing tomorrow.
Oh, boy.
What do you think
of California now,
huh, chuckle-head?
I think it's swell.
Just swell.
Honey.
If that guy Sheehan
thinks he can steal you
from my act...
Take it easy, Ted.
You're under contract to me.
Maybe it's time for us to...
Maybe we'd be better off
if we just...
The material is mine,
Moe, and so are you.
You welch on me now,
I'll see to it
you never work again.
You hear me?
Come on, Betty.
We had an agreement.
Well, just give us a chance,
Mr. Sheehan.
You said the deal
was good until...
Well, he can't do that.
That's...
You said the deal
was good until...
Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
Healy got to him.
The studio
withdrew the offer.
It's rotten, Moe.
Yeah, I know.
You could ask
your parents for money.
Your mom's done all right
in real estate.
We'll go back to vaudeville.
We are still a good act
without Healy. Maybe better.
That's not what
you used to think.
Well, I know. I was wrong.
I've got to be wrong.
Where is he?
Always late.
What's with the late?
I ought to buy him
two watches.
Oh, boy.
Wow. Cutting it
kind of close,
aren't you, porcupine?
I had to make the plans
for Mabel
to meet us in Philly.
You can call her
from Santa Barbara.
Santa Barbara?
What are you
talking about?
I thought
we were headed East.
Newark, Philly,
and then Baltimore.
Forget East.
Hey, what's going on
here, Moe?
I got us two weeks
in Seattle,
that's what's going on.
Seattle?
All they got in
Seattle is fog.
They got $900 a week
to pay us for the gig.
Guaranteed.
Split even,
that's $300 each.
Healy ever pay you that much?
Hey, hey, hey.
It's not just the money,
is it, Moe?
Okay. Okay.
Healy threatened
to bomb the theaters
if we show up
in the East Coast.
Oh, come on,
he's bluffing.
Wait a minute.
I wouldn't put it past him.
Of course he's bluffing.
But the theater managers,
they're not
taking any chances.
They know what Healy's like.
He wants to kill the act,
fellows.
But we're not going
to let him do that.
Now come on.
We got a train to catch.
Moe. Moe, you awake?
No. This is me
talking in my sleep.
I'm worried, Moe.
What if Healy
doesn't back down?
Shemp, go to sleep,
will you?
What--What the hell's
going on here?
What?
For crying out loud,
Shemp!
I'm sorry, Larry,
I didn't mean it.
Guys, guys,
what's going on?
Ted Healy scared
the piss out of your brother
and it landed on me.
I can't do it, Moe,
I can't do it.
Jeez, Shemp.
Come on, open up, Shemp.
Nothing doing.
Would you forget about Healy?
He's full of hot air.
It's not just Healy, Moe.
It's you.
Me?
All I'm trying to do
is look after you.
I'm tired of
all the rough stuff...
The slaps, the pokes.
I don't want
to do it anymore.
Don't talk like that,
Shemp. Come on.
We've always been a team,
me and you.
Ever since we were kids.
Now come on out of there.
Come on out, Shemp,
right now.
I'm sorry, fellows.
All right.
What now, tough guy?
I haven't run out
of brothers yet.
No, like this.
Now you're talking.
He's funny.
You, Moishe, you were
always running away
to the melodramas.
Now you want
to take my baby.
Ma, you want him
to stay in Bath Beach
his whole life?
Jerry's got a gift,
Mrs. Howard.
A gift.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
California.
What do you say, kiddo?
Thought you'd
never ask.
Your brothers,
please talk to them for me.
The insurance salesman.
Ma, I ain't got no head
for that kind of stuff.
Or anything else.
Ma, would you
stop singing Kaddish?
He's not dead,
he's just going to California.
It's the same thing.
Jenny, come.
Take care of him, Moishe.
Of course I will, Mama.
He's my baby brother.
Let's celebrate.
Drinks are on me.
Come on.
Hey, there we go.
I want to meet
Charlie Chaplin.
You want to what?
I want to meet
Charlie Chaplin.
I hear he's got a house
out in California, right?
Well, I want to go over
and say hello.
Oh, brother.
Listen, babe,
it's not like that out there.
Charlie Chaplin
is a big movie star.
You don't just
go over to his house
and say hello.
Well, then I want to
invite him
to one of our shows.
Hey, listen, kid,
it ain't all peaches and
sunshine out there, all right?
I mean,
we're doing okay, but...
We're doing great.
We're just gonna
play small houses,
at least to start.
Like speakeasies,
social clubs, hotels.
Chaplin wouldn't go
for our stuff anyway.
He's too highbrow.
What are you guys
talking about?
He's a comedian,
and we're funny.
I don't care
if it's a hotel or a speak
or if he's Charlie Chaplin
or Franklin Roosevelt.
If they come to our show
they're gonna laugh.
Fine. Shut up
and go to sleep, will you?
Oh, stop it.
Enough. Guys,
I'm trying to sleep.
Cut it out, both of youse.
Would you stop it?
Would you cut it out?
I'm warning you both.
Babe, I'm warning you.
Would youse two just stop it?
I don't know, fellas.
No, I ain't doing it.
Babe, you got to have
something different from all
the other stooges out here.
Look at him.
Look. See? Look.
I don't know.
Look, your brother's right.
You got to have
what they call a trademark.
Promise me it won't hurt.
It's not gonna hurt.
Is it gonna hurt?
It might hurt a little bit.
It's not...
It won't hurt.
It won't hurt.
Sit down.
Ah, she's a master
with the shears there.
Get it all, now, Helen.
Nice and close.
Okay, Babe.
Oh...
No, you can't
have the mustache!
Look, kid,
you're a stooge.
Oh, God!
Yeah,
what do we call him now?
Babe's no good.
Oh, jeez, ain't I curly?
Oh, hey.
That's good.
That is really good.
Moe, Larry, Curly.
The Three Stooges.
The Three Stooges.
The Three Stooges, eh?
Swing it.
Swing it.
Gentlemen.
This way, Mr. Cohn.
If these guys are so good,
why they playin' this joint?
Ah, you take
what you can get.
Theaters can't make
the rent since Roosevelt
closed the banks.
Any of those other bums
here tonight?
I heard rumors
Mayor and Warner
might be coming.
Even L.B.
Harry.
Jack.
Harry.
That's good. Yeah.
Oh!
May I?
Woof! Wise guy, eh?
Hiya, toots.
Fancy meeting you here.
You know,
your mother and my mother
were both mothers.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
Oh!
What do you think this is?
Some boom town saloon?
This is
a classy joint.
It is?
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
Who? Me?
Yeah, you.
What are you doing here?
I'm looking for
the mother lode.
What? Do you got
rocks in your head?
No, but I got some nuggets
in my kit.
Hey, didn't your mother
tell you never to play
with your nuggets?
No, but she told me
this is the place
where all
the gold diggers come.
Oh, he didn't mean it.
Believe me.
A wise guy, eh?
Why, you...
You're not supposed
to duck.
Sorry.
They're loving it.
Let's keep going.
You see this?
Listen, you!
Hey! Why don't you
pick on somebody
your own size?
Oh, yeah?
These guys are certifiable.
I've never seen
a comic act
that wasn't
a nickel call away
from the loony bin.
Come on, you.
They loved us.
We killed them.
They love us!
We're great.
I've never seen
so many diamonds and pearls
in my life.
I was hoping
somebody might toss
a tiara our way.
Talk about
blue bloods.
I think I'm in love
with a rich man's wife.
Keep your eyes
in your head, Babe.
Let's see
how the chow is
in this joint.
Yeah, maybe like
mama used to make.
Maybe your mama.
Not mine.
Hey, Moe, what do you mean
by slapping me like that?
I'm sorry, Babe.
Next time make it harder,
so they can hear it
in the back row.
Good evening, gentlemen,
allow me to introduce myself.
Jack Warner.
One of
the Warner Brothers?
The Warner Brothers.
Enjoyed your act.
Enchanted.
Enraptured.
Embalmed.
You fellows
under contract to anybody?
They soon will be, Jack,
if I have anything
to say about it.
The Louis B. Mayer?
The business boys at my studio
can have a contract
ready for you by morning.
Don't listen
to that junk dealer.
Harry Cohn,
Columbia Pictures.
Poverty row.
That amount per picture.
Guarantee of one
with an option for renewal
for a whole season's worth
if we like what we see.
How does that sound?
The hell with you.
Typical, Harry.
Somebody pinch me.
Ooh, not there.
Fellas, watch this.
Here we go.
Oh, we're gonna
be famous!
We're gonna
be something!
We're going to
be in pictures!
Look at them.
Like a bunch of boys.
You think
they'll ever grow up?
Sister, I sure hope not.
You know what did it?
Our lucky charm, right?
We're gonna
be stars, guys!
We're gonna be famous
We're going to be famous
Leave it running.
What took you so long?
I had them
wax it for you.
I'm late.
I'm sorry, Harry.
Hey!
Mr. Howard!
Oh, no.
Mr. Howard.
Oops, sorry.
Please, Mr. Howard.
It'll only take a minute
of your time, please.
Somebody help.
Oh, no. No.
Just trying to let you see
how much I'd like
for you to bug off.
Now beat it.
What do you mean?
Ticker's fine, kid.
Be even better when
I've seen the last of you.
I'm not leaving till I
convince the Three Stooges
to come back East.
I already told you
we're not interested.
Now go back to Boston.
I can't.
Not without you.
I sort of promised
my boss you'd make
a personal appearance.
I know... It was the only way
I could convince them
to buy the shorts.
And what if we don't?
They'll fire me.
You got a lot of chutzpah, kid,
I'll give you that.
I wish I could help you,
but I can't.
Have you talked to Larry?
No!
Could you at least
give me his number?
I'm the one that
makes the decisions
for the Stooges.
Always did, always will!
What are you afraid of?
This kid.
Have you ever died, kid?
Not that
I can remember, no.
No? Well, I have.
In Philly, Seattle, Cleveland.
Nobody laughed?
That's right.
And it's a lousy feeling
when nobody laughs.
See, nobody laughs
making pictures anymore.
Now all they make is deals.
Yeah. It was different.
When we first
came on to this lot,
everybody was
always laughing.
Laughing. Laughing
their heads off. Sure.
As long as you're laughing,
you still have hope.
I remember the first day
we drove through the gate.
And we were here to see
the big man himself,
Mr. Harry Cohn.
The Three Stooges
to see Mr. Cohn.
Go ahead.
Well, this is it,
fellows,
the big time.
Mind your manners.
May I help you?
Yes, the Three Stooges
to see Mr. Cohn, please.
Oh, yes. Mr. Cohn's
been expecting you.
Go right in.
Been waiting
for an hour!
Ready, fellows?
Here we go.
Excuse me,
we're the Three Stooges.
We're here to see Mr. Cohn.
Have a seat.
Mr. Cohn will be
with you shortly.
When you hear
the buzzer, make sure
you go right in.
Mr. Cohn doesn't like
to have to buzz
people twice.
Spread out.
Tell Frank Capra he's
only got Claudette Colbert
for 21 days,
so he better finish
the picture on schedule!
I walked by the writers'
building this morning.
You know what I heard?
Nothing. I'm paying
these monkeys to type.
I want to hear typing.
Lean on the bums.
Tell them
not to worry about good.
Just make it fast!
What do you mean,
leaving a light on
in your office last night?
Don't lie to me.
I saw it.
Hey, who do you think
pays the bills around here?
You wanna waste electricity,
okay.
Get somebody else's nickel
to do it with. You're fired.
Spindle,
I've got a report right here
from Cap Duncan at the gate,
says you slinked in here
at 9:02.
You know the rules.
At your desk at 9:00 sharp.
What's the matter,
can't you get
to work on time?
I'll make it easy for you.
You're fired!
Morning, boys.
Been waiting long?
No, sir.
Romm,
get your ass down here now.
Harry scouts
the new talent for us.
That's why
you boys are here.
I don't give a damn
for small talk,
so I'll make it quick.
We'll pay you $1,000
for your first film.
$1,250 for another four.
And $1,500 for
two more after that.
If we decide
you're Columbia material.
That sound okay to you?
Yes, sir, whatever you say.
Good. Get over to
the shorts department.
They'll put you to work
right away.
Excuse me, sir,
did you say shorts?
Yeah.
Well, sir,
begging your pardon, sir,
but we were kind of hoping
that you'd maybe want to
headline us in features.
You guys don't
belong in features.
You're comics.
Buster Keaton, he thought
he belonged in features,
now he's working here.
Keaton, Andy Clyde,
we got them all working here.
Times are tough.
People like to laugh.
At this studio, the shorts
pay for the features.
Now get going.
Yes, sir.
Where are they
sending us?
I hope you know
where you're going, Moe.
I know
where I'm going.
Here it is.
This is where
we're working?
It's like
a sausage factory here.
Cohn's just trying us out.
He'll give us a break
when he sees what we could do.
What's that?
What the...
Yank it, Moe, come on.
It's not opening.
Give me a hand, fellows.
On the count of three.
All right. Here we go.
One, two, three.
So, the Three Stooges.
Moe Howard, right?
How are you?
What's going on in there?
It sounds like
murder and mayhem.
Come on in, fellows.
Meet your team.
Hey, which one of
you guys is murder?
Which one's mayhem?
That's Felix Adler
and Clyde Brookman.
Ace gagmen.
We steal from the best.
Each other.
And that's Del Lord,
director extraordinaire.
I say action and cut.
You guys do
everything in between.
My name's Jules White.
Technocrap.
Technocrap?
That's right.
I take no crap from anybody.
Right up to, and especially
including, His Royal Highness
and God Almighty, Harry Cohn.
I run this little empire.
It doesn't look like much,
but a lot of magic
happens here.
Come on,
I'll show you something.
This is where we hide
the latest secret weapons.
Show them
what you got, Joe.
Let me wind it back a little.
Okay. Now watch this.
I like that.
That's something.
Oh, I get it.
It's sound effects.
This is where all the murder
and mayhem comes from.
Right. So why don't you
slap him, just like you do
in your act.
Only real slow.
Just a tap.
Okay.
I like that.
That's a good one.
Hit him again.
Go ahead.
Give me one,
give me one over here.
Terrific.
Hey, you hear that?
That's great.
It's all in here.
What is this thing?
A Foley board.
Named after the guy
who invented it.
They use them a lot
in radio.
I rigged this one
for pictures.
You know
what this means, Moe?
I won't have to get
a headache all time
from you slapping me around.
Oh. When do we start?
6:00 tomorrow morning.
Here we go, fellows.
Ready, boys?
Sure.
We're ready
if you're ready.
Right this way.
Ready or not,
here we come.
Just remember, fellows,
we're terrific.
We're colossal.
We're even mediocre.
Woman Haters.
Scene 3. Take 1.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Spread out.
Hello, Captain.
You sent for us?
Yes.
How'd you find
that patient in 66?
Under the bed.
How'd you find
the patient in 72?
Up on the chandelier.
What did you do
for him?
Nothing.
What did he ever
do for us?
What are you
working here for?
For duty and humanity.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!
Here you go.
Oh, Limburger.
How are you feeling?
All right?
You feeling a little dizzy?
Never felt better
in my life.
See, I didn't put
enough rat poison
in his cheese.
Hey, what's the big idea?
What's he think I am?
A rat?
What about it?
Well, you don't
have to tell everyone.
Serves you right.
You started everything.
I can't see!
I can't see!
What's the matter?
I got my eyes closed.
Listen, you...
See this?
Come on.
Yoo-hoo!
Dodgie, kiss me.
Darling. Darling.
Colonel, this is
Mrs. Dodge, my wife.
Oh, Colonel.
Mrs. Dodge.
Oh!
Pepper.
Gesundheit.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
Rrrowf!
I've never seen anything
like him.
The fat one, he kills me.
These guys are
making us a bundle.
Fan clubs springing up
all over the country.
Theater owners
can't get enough of them.
Good. Tell them
from now on if they wanna
book a Stooge show,
they'll have to take
one of the B pictures.
Let's unload some stinkers.
These guys are Columbia's
blue-plate special.
Working stiffs who thumb
their noses at high society.
I like that.
They know
how popular they are?
I don't think so.
Let's keep it that way.
Put them on salary.
They're my own personal
National Recovery Act.
And, like prosperity,
I want them just around
the corner when I need them.
Here we go!
For duty and humanity.
For duty and humanity.
And $750 a week.
That's just for starters.
It goes up every year
if they renew the option.
All the way up to 2,750.
Yeah, split three ways.
Go easy on that stuff, Babe.
Why, certainly.
Hey, Moe, you think that's
the best deal we could get?
You know what Cohn's like.
Take it or leave it.
I don't know. I say
we rock the boat a little.
You know,
go to some other studios,
see if we can get a deal
for some features some place.
Do you know how to swim?
What are you talking about?
I wouldn't rock the boat
if I were you. Harry Cohn's
a pretty tough mug.
A lot tougher than we are.
What do you think, Jerry?
Jerry?
Whatever Moe says
is okay with me.
Come on.
I feel like dancing.
Me, too.
Okay.
Come on, I'll show you
the Brooklyn two-step.
What's
the blonde's name?
Elaine, I think.
You know you're worth
more than the studio
is paying you, don't you?
Sure.
But what can I do about it?
It's good money these days.
Besides, what are these guys
going to do
with more dough anyway?
They'll just find
new ways to spend it.
Your brother do
all the thinking for you?
I got better things to do.
Like you, toots.
Anything you want
from me, you name it.
Well, I've always
wanted a mink stole.
It's yours.
Poor Jerry.
He's such a dope
when it comes to women.
Some guys
are just born saps.
Yeah, and some girls
put up with them.
Oh, Mr. Fine,
can I have your autograph?
Cut it out.
I wish they'd stop
staring at me.
I didn't always look
like this, you know.
I used to be handsome.
You look pretty good
to me.
And how.
Hi, sweetheart.
Good evening.
Handle with care.
Hello, Moe.
Helen.
The boys with you?
Hey, Larry.
Who's that guy?
Great to see you.
He's nobody.
Whoa. Hey.
I guess you got
plenty to celebrate.
Ted...
Hey, I'm not here
to fight, Moe.
Let's bury the hatchet
for one night.
What do you say?
I'm gonna be a father.
Oh, Ted. That's great.
Congratulations.
Here you go.
Come on, Helen, take it.
Good seeing you, Moe.
Hey, here, have a cigar.
Help me celebrate.
Have another.
Here. Waiter,
there you go.
Thanks.
Bartender,
drinks for everybody.
I'm gonna be a father.
I know you.
You used to be
with those guys.
They used to be with me.
Take off your hat.
Now raise
your right hand.
Now place
your left hand here.
Take off your hat.
Raise your right hand.
Now place your
left hand here.
Please take off
your hat.
Raise your right hand.
Will you please
take off your hat?
Raise your right hand.
Now put
your left hand here.
Take off your hat!
Raise your right hand.
Will you get rid of that hat?
Now you raise
your right hand.
Do you know
what swearing means?
No, Judgie-wudgie,
but I know all the words.
Cut. Print. Yes.
Take five, everybody.
You may be
the brains of the act, Moe,
but he's the heart.
Just terrific.
Hey, look what I got.
Excuse me, Mr. Fine.
Sorry so interrupt,
but we got work to do.
Listen, Moe, loan me
20 bucks, will you?
I dropped a bundle
on this game today.
Is there anything
you don't bet on?
Yeah, a winner.
All right. I'll cover you.
No problem.
Thanks, Moe.
Sure.
What are you doing?
You see,
every time I lend you money
you forget, right?
And when I ask you for it,
you say, "What money?
When? Where?" Right. Okay.
Now you won't forget.
Come on, Babe,
let's go. We're on.
In a minute.
Look at you. You collect
these stray dogs the same way
you collect stray women.
At least you don't
marry the dogs.
Yeah,
the dogs are cheaper.
I bet.
How much dough
did you drop
on that last tomato?
I'm a victim
of circumstance.
Babe, you need to settle down,
save your money. Same as me.
Property's a real racket
out here, you know.
Maybe if you
grew up a little...
Say, Moe...
Just because you're older
than me doesn't give you
the right to boss me around.
It ain't like
in the pictures, you know.
Oh, for crying out loud,
Babe.
Would you quit whining?
You know I'm just trying
to help you, that's all.
Moe, Jerry. Hey, guys.
What's up?
Healy's dead.
Come on.
I just heard it
on the radio.
He got in a fight last night
at the Troc.
It must have been
right after we left there.
You know he was
drinking pretty heavy.
What a tough break.
And he was gonna have a kid.
Nah, Healy ain't dead.
What do you mean
he ain't dead?
He's right here.
Oh, that Babe.
He was as hard to grab
as a rabbit sometimes.
I tried to look after him
the way I promised Mama.
I guess I made a mess
of that, too.
Listen, kid,
I would love to help you out,
but we're old men now.
Nobody wants to see us.
I wouldn't be too sure
about that. Look.
Oh, no, no, no.
I stopped reading the trades
years ago.
Oh, I think you'll
want to read this.
What do you got here?
What is this?
This year alone
they're going to make
12 million off the shorts.
Hmm? What do you
get out of it?
I did the best
I could for you guys.
Oh, yeah. Sure you did.
Moe, Moe,
we've been through this.
Your contract is very clear.
I'm not talking
about contracts, Harry.
I'm talking about respect.
Respect, Harry.
For 20 years
you and Cohn
have been treating us
like second-class citizens.
Everything you dished out,
we took it.
And we stayed loyal to you.
And then what do we get?
Hmm? The old heave-ho.
Hey, you're forgetting
something, Moe.
This studio, it made you.
If it hadn't been for us
you'd be...
I'd be exactly where I am!
Toluca Lake ain't exactly
Beverly Hills, Harry.
You live fat
because we paid for it.
And you're still
getting rich off us.
Maybe it's time you showed
a little gratitude, Harry.
We deserve better.
We deserve better.
And you know it.
You like barbeque, kid?
Sure.
Be at my house Saturday,
5:00 sharp. We'll talk.
Okay.
My good people
of Moronica,
I am very happy to see
this little gathering.
Our motto shall be
"Moronica for morons."
Moronica must expand.
We will extend
our neighbors
a helping hand.
We will extend them
two helping hands
and help ourselves
to our neighbors.
Kreplach.
Kreplach.
Furthermore...
Ja, Mann.
Hallelujah.
Ow!
We will now pause
for station identification.
This is N-U-T-S.
When you hear the conk
on the dome,
it will be 3:00
Balonia watch time.
3:00 Balonia watch time.
3:00 Balonia watch time.
It must be 3:00.
Cut. Print.
Let's run 'em.
"Take your troops out
and burn every book
in Moronica."
That's your cue, Babe.
Oh, I'm sorry, Moe.
Give 'em to me again.
"Take your troops out
and burn every book
in Moronica."
Don't worry about it.
The words are
no cinch for me either.
Another headache?
It's nothing.
Ready on the set, fellows.
Come on, let's go.
Say, Jules, what do you say
we call it a wrap for today?
Babe's feeling
a little under the weather.
No can do, Moe.
We're behind schedule.
The studio's pushing.
I'm sorry.
It's fine. I'm fine, Moe.
Are you sure?
Really.
Okay. Okay.
You never know
where you're gonna go,
do you?
Sure is great
to hear those troops
laugh, ain't it?
Yeah, well,
they got it coming.
How many times
we done that
routine anyway?
They never
get tired of it.
Good thing, too.
These live shows
pay three times
what we get from Cohn.
You coming?
I'll see you later.
Let's go.
Take me to
the hottest place in town.
Oh, boy.
Don't worry.
He always comes back.
So far.
Come on, let's go.
4:00.
Moe, for heaven's sake,
please go to sleep.
Every time we go on the road,
Babe goes crazy.
Oh! I try talking to him,
telling him things.
He don't listen to me.
It's like I--
I got a little kid here
instead of a brother.
That's what I got.
Go back to sleep, Helen.
Where the hell is he?
Swing it!
Hey, this place is a morgue.
I said swing it.
I don't believe him.
He's out all night
drinking, carousing.
I'll kill him.
I'll kill him.
I swear to God.
Is that
who I think it is?
Yeah, I think it is.
Ladies, charmed.
It's him.
Room 237, please.
Thank you.
Are you...
Certainly.
You ain't gonna
smoke that, are you?
Ow!
What are you doing?
Hey, look, a souvenir.
It's me.
You okay, kid?
Get me up.
Shh. It's okay.
Are you all right?
It hurt worse than you, Moe.
Sometimes the fans
get a little enthusiastic.
You know that.
I know. But why can't
they just mind
their own business?
I'm a normal guy
just like everybody else.
I'm me, Jerry.
Curly's just an act.
Ouch!
Sorry.
We got to make
allowances, Babe.
I know,
but it still hurts.
Jerry's got a point, Moe.
You're 46.
How much longer
do you think
you can keep knocking
each other around?
As long as they're laughing,
we could do it forever.
Aw, who am I kidding?
I'm just a cue ball
with legs.
Don't talk
like that.
It's true ain't it?
"Hey, turnip-head,"
and all them other names
you call me.
It's true.
Come on, Babe.
That's just in the pictures.
You don't really think
I mean that, do you?
I'm sorry, Moe.
I'm sorry I talk that way.
I'm just temperamental.
You know me.
Yeah, 95% temperament,
5% mental.
Nyuk-nyuk.
I never know
which Curly's gonna show up.
One day
he's bouncing off the walls,
the next day a snail
could outrun him.
Don't worry.
He'll be fine
when we're rolling.
I need to
get this today.
You'll get it, George.
Don't worry.
Places, everybody.
Let's take it
from the top.
Roll 'em.
Half-Wits Holiday.
Scene 7. Take 1.
Action, Bernie.
Hmm.
There is definite evidence
of vacancy of the cranium.
Gee, thanks.
Why, these men are morons.
Yeah, but we're organized.
Amalgamated Association
of Morons,
Local 6 and 7/8s.
We are morons
tried and true.
And we'll do our yell for you.
Cut it.
Cut the camera.
Babe!
Curly, you all right?
Somebody get a doctor, quick!
Oh, Babe. Oh, Babe.
Is he okay?
Somebody get some help.
Hurry!
Please, get a doctor!
Babe? Babe?
Mr. Howard?
Mr. Howard, please.
I'd like to stick around
if it's all the same
to you, Doc.
There's nothing else
you can do.
Leave your brother to us.
We'll call you
if there's any change
in his condition.
A stroke.
And all this time
I thought it was the booze
and the broads.
How could I be so blind?
You said yourself
he's a private person.
It's not your fault.
I thought I knew him.
I mean, he was my brother.
He--He is my brother.
What did I know, Helen?
I didn't know anything.
You hear that?
Hear what?
The ax falling.
I hear Curly
fell down on the set.
Ronald says
he looked like he went
10 rounds with Max Baer.
The doctors say
he'll get better.
When?
It's hard to say
right now, Mr. Cohn.
Ah.
Moe, Larry, you know
I've always loved the Stooges.
The other studios
are getting out
of the shorts game,
but I've kept
you guys in business.
I'm just as busted up
about Curly's illness
as you are. You know that.
Yeah, sure,
Mr. Cohn, we know that.
It's too bad.
But let's not be
chumps about it.
I want you guys to know,
as long as I'm around,
the Stooges will always have
a place at Columbia Pictures.
Now get out of here.
Thanks, Mr. Cohn.
Thank you, Mr. Cohn.
Moe, just a reminder,
I'm paying for three Stooges,
not two.
Well, it's time
to call Shemp.
Fright Night.
Scene 4. Take 1.
Action.
All right,
lace that glove.
I'm lacing.
I'm lacing.
What's the matter,
Shemp, you nervous?
Just my left hand.
When you hear the bell,
you come out fighting.
Any blood, ignore it.
Where are you going, fellows?
Fellows?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
Eeeb-eeeb-eeeb-eeeb!
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
Love taps. Love taps.
Hey, look,
fancy footwork.
Uh-oh.
Okay, watch this.
There goes Shemp
with a left jab.
There goes Shemp
with a right uppercut.
There goes Shemp
with a haymaker.
There goes Shemp.
And cut.
Great. Wonderful.
Boy, I'm getting too old
for this.
Atta boy. Atta boy.
Just like riding a bike,
huh?
It's good
to have you back.
Thanks.
So, I just got to
do this till Babe
comes back, right?
That's right.
All right.
Oh, look at that.
Tomato ketchup.
Everybody's rooting
for you, Babe.
We're all here for you.
I talked
to Larry and Shemp.
We're all pitching in
150 a week to help
cover your expenses here.
Brother,
Shemp's a trooper, boy.
He complains
as much as he used to.
But I think he likes
being part of the act again.
And the studio's
pinching the pennies
pretty hard. Oh, boy.
We're remaking
some of our old shorts
with Shemp doing your bits.
That saves them
on new footage.
Yeah.
And remember
how they used to give us
a week, Babe?
Remember that?
They got us
knocking them out
in a couple of days now.
Oh, boy. I keep asking
for more time,
but you know Jules.
All about
the numbers now.
All about the numbers.
Hey, Babe, there's a...
There's a...
Just a little something
I need you to read for me.
I need you
to take a look at this.
I want you to read this.
Not right now.
I'm going to leave
it right here
with the others.
Don't worry about it.
We need to think
about the future, Babe.
I know
you'll understand.
We're all hoping and praying
to have you back with us
real soon.
Okay, kid.
"Dear Babe,
"in view of the fact
that you are no longer
able to work as a Stooge
"I will need
your signature underneath
"attesting to the fact
that you give me,
"as owner
of the Three Stooges,
"the perpetual rights
to use your face and voice
for all future advertising,
"commercial tie-ins,
merchandising,
and any other venues
"that I see fit
for here on in."
Family and colleagues
gathered today
to mark the passing
of Three Stooges member,
Shemp Howard,
who died of a heart attack
this week at age 59.
His death, which follows
that of younger brother
Jerome "Curly" Howard in 1952,
comes as the latest blow
to the comedy team
led by surviving brother
Moe Howard and
partner Larry Fine.
I'm awful sorry, Moe.
Yeah, me, too.
I tell you, though,
Shemp, he always gave it
everything he had.
But he could never
get out of Curly's shadow.
Two brothers in three years.
Sometimes I wonder
if they really believed
that tough guy up there
on the screen was really me.
Somebody had to
pay attention
to business.
Think how long you kept
the Stooges alive.
But for how much longer?
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
Rrrowf! Rrrowf!
Next.
That's wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
Moe, I know how you feel,
but we can't keep reusing
Shemp's old footage.
You need another Stooge.
Besser's good.
Yeah, but DeRita's funnier.
Plus his style is
a lot closer to ours.
Yeah, but Besser's
already under contract
to Columbia.
And you know Harry.
Pies and Guys.
Scene 23. Take 1.
Action.
Why you...
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
You forgot to duck, silly.
Not so hard.
Crazy.
Crazy?
I'll show you crazy.
Stop.
Joe, your line is...
I don't care
what my line is.
Cut.
Joe, this shot
is the punchline.
I understand.
Good. Now we'll pick it up.
Roll the camera.
But I am not taking
a pie in the face.
All right.
We'll get it in the morning.
That's a wrap.
Get Joe DeRita on the phone.
Yes, Mr. White.
See you tomorrow.
What is this?
Two Stooges
and a hold-out.
I don't know, Moe.
Maybe we're staying
too long at the dance.
What do you mean?
I mean it's no fun
anymore, Moe.
You know,
Besser's no Stooge.
And the pictures
pretty much stink, too.
We got a contract, Larry.
Yeah, I'm talking
about after that.
I've been a Stooge
as long as I can remember.
That's right.
24 years with Cohn.
190 shorts, give or take.
Yeah, and no features.
Oy.
The Marx Brothers,
Abbot and Costello,
Laurel and Hardy.
They all made them.
Why not us?
I guess it just
wasn't in the cards.
That's all.
Would it be so bad
if we retired?
Retired to what?
Hey, face it, Moe,
we're dinosaurs.
Nobody watches
two-reelers anymore.
They got television now.
No one would give us
a shot at that.
You walk out on
the Stooges right now,
Larry Fienberg,
and, so help me,
I'll murder you.
I will annihilate you.
You've been saying
that for 30 years.
I'm still here.
Yeah, well, I'll say it for
another 30 years from the
bottom of the Pacific ocean.
From the bottom...
Right here, you'll
be talking, all right!
What you going to do,
you clown?
What? Are you gonna
throw me in the water?
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, get over here.
Come back.
What's with the flag, Ed?
Haven't you heard?
Heard what?
Mr. Cohn. He's dead.
Had a heart attack
last night in Phoenix.
I guess he was
human after all.
Wow.
Well,
better pay our respects.
I can't let you on the lot.
What do you mean?
The new guys at
the front office
sent word.
The shorts department
is closed.
Closed?
And we can't get on the lot?
Sorry, Moe.
Looks like you got your wish.
That was maybe one of
the worst days of my life.
Yeah, you thought
we were washed up.
We were washed up.
Yeah, yeah,
we were washed up.
Yeah.
That's for you.
Specialty of the house.
So, I read the touts
and I said to Larry,
Equine Prince looks good
in the third at Santa Anita.
But did he listen to me?
Hey, over here
with beets.
You know, this summer
Americans will spend
3 million hours barbequing.
Get out of here.
You don't say.
Read it
in a magazine.
Yeah, 3 million hours
at the grill and 5 million
trying to explain
why it all turned out
like Moe's chicken.
I heard that, DeRita.
Remind me to
murder you later.
Yeah, I'll make a note of it.
Yeah, you do that.
So, Moe, these live shows,
they could be
a real goldmine.
Trust me,
the kids are gonna
love you guys.
You're like a live-action
version of the cartoons
they watch on television.
Television.
Don't mention that word.
Now, hold on
a minute, Larry.
Let's say
this kid's right,
and we do have
a new generation of fans
out there.
If this pans out,
this could mean
a lot of work.
They got ribbon-cutting
ceremonies, and fairs,
and shopping centers.
Oh, shopping centers, now.
That's nice.
A little overdue
recognition, maybe.
We got to show them
what we've got.
What you've got is
old men's knees and backs.
What he ain't got anymore
is a callous on the side
of his face from getting
slapped around.
All right.
So what's it gonna be,
fellows?
Joe?
Even if you decide
not to do it, Moe,
I'll never forget
you asked me.
What do you say, Larry?
Go on. You'll just
sit around and mope
all day.
What the hell?
You're on, kid.
Oh, great.
You leave for
Boston tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Boston?
All right?
Mabel, you step up
right there.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay, from the top.
Delighted,
Mrs. Gotrocks.
Devastated.
Dilapidated.
What's the matter
with you? Easy. Easy.
Not so hard, Moe.
It's okay.
Keep going.
Okay, okay.
Enchanted, Countess.
Enraptured.
I forget.
Oh, for Pete's sake, Larry!
How many times
have we done this routine?
If I forget. I forget.
I'm sorry. I forget.
Embalmed!
Enchanted,
enraptured and...
I know it now.
Embalmed.
Thank you.
We're supposed to be plumbers
pretending to be gentlemen.
See?
He ain't laughing, Moe.
I can see that.
Curly got laughs with
that Mrs. Gotrocks routine
every time.
Remember?
Sure.
I miss him.
I miss him.
This whole trip I can't
stop thinking about him.
No insult to Joe.
I just...
I just wish
he was here.
Shemp, too.
We should have said no.
You should have said yes,
and you did.
No would have been easier.
Oh, since when has easy been
the first choice for you?
You look like
you could use
some company.
Mrs. Howard. Please.
I just wanted
to say thank you.
Moe talks tough,
but if you knew how much
this means to them.
What's wrong?
There's something
I didn't...
I couldn't...
I should tell you.
The shorts didn't even go
on the air until tonight.
I tried calling the station
when we stopped in Chicago,
but they hadn't got
the numbers yet.
Numbers?
What numbers?
Everything in television
is numbers. Ratings.
I don't understand.
People are numbers, okay.
They count them.
The more people
that watch the show,
the more people will be
at the theater.
So you don't know...
No.
No. Not until we get there.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Next stop Boston.
Boston, five minutes.
Come on in.
You folks ready?
Ready as we'll ever be.
Great. We'll just make
the first show.
I'll take your bags.
Okay.
Thank you.
Isn't it time
you got in character?
Sure.
How do I look?
Great.
What's up, Larry?
Driver, we're running late.
Come on, guys.
One of you get
in front with me.
Can you take this?
Ladies,
get in the back here,
thank you.
Hi, driver. Uh, yes...
Moe?
Larry. Larry.
All right, girls,
we'll see you
over there, all right?
Come on,
everybody, come on.
Here we go.
What do you say, Tom?
Let's go!
Just here.
Thank you.
Okay, guys.
All right.
Oh, boy.
First class all the way,
aren't you, kid?
We really wanted
to roll out
the red carpet,
but, you know,
we're a small station.
Are you guys
who I think you are?
That's them,
all right.
I thought
you were dead.
That's a nice thought
right there, hmm?
Look at my hands shake.
This is worse than the races.
It'll be fine.
Yeah? You tell them that.
You do realize how much
this means to them,
don't you, Tom?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, follow me.
Showtime.
How many seats
in this house, kid, huh?
About 800.
Oh, yeah?
We used to fill houses
twice that size.
Remember that, Larry?
I'll show you to
your dressing rooms.
Wait a minute.
Listen to that.
It's a full house.
Looks like Larry and me
can go back to room service.
You did good, kid.
That's how we do it.
You make contact
with the brow bone,
not with the eyes.
Looks real on camera
though.
Dressing rooms.
Forget that.
What are we waiting for?
What the hell?
Sure.
Spread out.
Seventeen.
Come on,
you're older than that.
No, I got
a birth certificate.
You couldn't get
that dirty in 17 years.
How about you?
How old are you?
I was seven two years ago
in Stanford, Connecticut.
Well, that
makes you nine.
Not until I get
back to Connecticut.
Hey, what's
the big idea?
Pick on somebody
your own size.
You see that?
Yeah.
Hey, you guys.
Moe.
Moe.
Hmm.
Moe?
You're not going back
to the studio today.
Harry needs
a little help.
It's a mitzvah,
you know.
I need to keep busy.
You got your garden.
It's not the same thing.
I'm late.
All right, ladies,
who's next here?
We fix anything.
Cut rate.
Prepared while you wait.
And that ain't all.
Zoop.
Pardon me,
could we...
No.
This is all your fault.
No, it isn't.
Oh, a radio.
You want to take the $32
or try for the $64?
I'll go for the $64.
Okay.
Why can't a chicken
lay a loaf of bread?
She ain't got
the crust.
You win.
Give me. Give me.
Get out of here
and take that radio with you.
Get busy.
Short wave?
No, permanent.
Excuse me,
are you, uh...
Oh, no, I'm just
a delivery boy.
Here you go.
Where you been
with my sandwich?
I'm dying here.
Pastrami on rye.
With Russian?
Sure. Like always.
So I, uh, I saw some suits
in the screening room.
They're running
our old two-reelers.
What's going on?
Screen Gem guys think
maybe they can make
a nickel or two
selling the stuff
off to television.
Oh, yeah?
What's in it for us?
Well, I'll see
what I can do,
but you know
what your contract says.
No fees, no residuals.
Bupkes.
That stinks, Harry.
That stinks.
Forty years in the business.
It's like I'm working
for Healy again.
No fees.
You didn't do
so bad by Healy.
If it hadn't been for him,
you wouldn't be where you are.
Which is where
exactly?
Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
Oh, Mr. Gallagher!
Hello, what's on your mind
this morning, Mr. Shean?
Everybody's making fun
of the way our country's run
All the papers say
we'll soon live European
Hey, Healy,
where'd you get that voice?
The fog horn store?
Why, Mr. Shean!
Why, Mr. Shean!
Shut up, will you?
You're making me seasick.
Cut the music.
Hey, fellow,
you think anybody can do this?
You do it.
Okay, come on up.
Me?
Yeah.
Yeah? All right.
I bet his wife don't even
let him sing in the bathtub.
Hey, didn't your mother
ever tell you
not to interrupt?
You're hitting too hard.
They got to hear it
at the back of the hall.
They'll hear it just fine.
Just loosen your fingers up
a little bit.
Okay, wise guy,
start singing.
Take that! Oh!
Get him, Moe.
Damn it!
I got him, Moe.
Give me that.
Give me that!
Shemp!
I got him!
I got him!
Here. Take that!
Take that!
What's a matter with you?
This ain't funny anymore.
Now, that's funny.
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
That's my wife here.
Bring down the curtain.
W-Would you...
No, no. No, no, no.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Uh, you're on,
Fienberg.
Now get out there
and keep them
from starting a riot.
But Mabel ain't
down yet.
Make something up.
Hey, Ted?
It's okay.
You got a beef?
Let's hear it.
Me?
Yeah.
You don't have to
make it hurt so much.
Your brother's
starting to sound
ungrateful.
Ted, it's...
Hey.
They love him.
Yeah.
You show him,
Mr. Policeman.
If you don't like it,
I can always get
another stooge.
Come on, Mr. Healy,
he doesn't mean
anything by it.
He's just
a little sensitive.
Is that right?
It's a lucky thing
tonight's your last show.
That guy you clobbered
with a bear,
what if he sues?
Say, listen,
one of these days
he's going to be telling
his grandkids
about the night
he got to play a sketch
with the great Ted Healy.
Beat it.
Here you go, boys.
You earned
your keep tonight.
I tell you, Moe,
that guy gives me
the willies.
Everything gives
you the willies.
You'd put a leash
on your own shadow
if it would keep it
from following you.
When are you going
to stop letting him
chisel us?
The box office guy says
Healy makes a grand a week,
and all we see is
a lousy C-note.
He can't get away with that.
Oh, yes, he can.
He's the headliner.
Look, I know he's rough,
but we're stooges,
a dime a dozen.
Just take the money
and keep your mouth shut.
We'll be okay.
Okay?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
What do we got here?
Sweetheart, who do you like
in the fifth race tomorrow?
They all look
like nags to me.
Hey, what do you say
we go to a speak
after the second show?
Say, you know,
now that you mention it,
I'm feeling
kind of thirsty.
Surprise, surprise.
Caught your act, kid.
You got potential.
Thanks, Mr. Healy.
What's your name?
Me, I'm Larry Fine.
That there's my wife, Mabel.
Hiya.
This is Moe Howard
and his brother Shemp,
short for Samuel
because his old lady
couldn't pronounce it right.
I like the bear bit.
Oh, gee, thanks.
Where'd you get the hair?
Oh, my mother
blames my father.
You play
houses much?
They love me in Peoria.
Pretty big break for
you sharing the bill with me.
Listen, kid, I got
a proposition for you.
If you wear your hair that way
and forget the tails,
you can join us
for $90 a week.
$100 if you
forget the fiddle.
For $100
I'll forget everything.
I like this guy.
Hey that's $100 now,
right?
It's $100.
All right.
So Paddy on his deathbed
hands his best and
only bottle of whiskey
to his friend Mick.
"Mick, would you do something
for a dying man?" he says.
"Anything, Paddy,"
replies Mick.
Wait for the punchline now.
So Paddy says to Mick,
"Wait until they put me
in the cold, cold ground,
"and then pour
the whole bottle over me
"to keep me warm,
will you?"
And Mick answers,
"Sure, Paddy,
"but would you mind if I pass
it through my kidneys first?"
Who the devil are you guys?
"This will introduce
three charming gentlemen.
"They are very talented.
"They sing,
"dance,
"do female impersonations,
"even acrobatics.
"In fact, they are
the best act of this kind
in the nation.
"Very truly yours."
Who wrote this?
I did.
Now that's funny.
There you go.
Pair of ladies.
Kings over tens.
All in a row.
Wait a second.
That pot is mine.
What are you
talking about?
A straight
beats a full house.
Get out.
Come to papa.
Hey, get your hands off.
It's my pot.
It's mine!
The hell it is.
Look me in the eye
and say that.
All right. The hell it is.
What did you do?
Do you think that's funny?
When he does it to you.
Oh!
Love it
when he does it to you!
Now, that's funny.
Hey!
$100. $100. $100.
There you go, boys.
Don't spend it all
in one place.
Sorry to run out on you,
but a very rich lady
is waiting for me
in a penthouse apartment.
She's got a driver outside.
If Betty asks...
We don't know nothing.
I knew
I could count on you.
Break a leg.
And your head.
Healy ever heard
of a raise?
Maybe you should try
saving a little more
instead of spending it all
on the ponies.
Not everybody can
live on $25 a week
like you, Moe.
I send $19 home.
That leaves me six bucks
after expenses.
Yeah, and you just
piss that away.
Come in
Come in
Oh, uh...
Which one are you?
I'm Moe.
Larry, Shemp.
Where's Healy?
We don't know nothing.
Yeah, where is
that louse?
Oh, boy, here we go.
Okay, spill it.
Who's he two-timing me with
this time?
Now, just take
it easy, sister.
Forgot my...
Oh,
here he is now.
...cane.
Remember me?
Now, Betty, don't go
jumping to conclusions.
Now, I'm through
hearing you double-talk me.
Get it? Now, you listen.
Hey!
I know how to use this.
I'll shoot you, you louse!
No, Betty!
Come on! Put it away.
Come on, don't shoot.
Put it away, Betty.
I'm going to kill you, Ted!
I can explain.
Run!
Is it like this
every night?
Tonight's
kind of slow.
Ted!
It's okay, boys.
She just winged me.
Mr. Healy,
I represent
20th Century Fox.
Boys.
We're on our way
to Hollywood.
My Ted, a movie star.
Imagine that.
Get ready, boys.
There's millions
to be made
in the picture business,
and our only competition
is idiots.
I say good luck
to the best man,
or all of us.
Here, here. Cheers.
Here we go.
Come on, tell them.
Boys, Betty and I have
decided to make it legal.
That's terrific, Ted.
It's really something.
You know, if the guys
get work in pictures,
they'll be home a lot more
than they're on the road.
Don't think I don't know
my Larry's got
a wandering eye.
But it don't bother me.
He always comes home
to mama.
At least I haven't got
that problem.
Moe's steady.
So's Shemp.
Besides, none of
those chorus girls
would put up with him.
When we got to
our compartment,
he made me check it
for bed bugs.
Hey, what's eating you,
kid?
You know how many train wrecks
there were last year?
Oh, Shemp, would you
stop being a worrywart?
It's time to celebrate.
Yeah? What's to celebrate?
Stop brooding.
I'm not brooding.
I'm pruning.
Tell that
to the camellia bush.
I made some lemonade.
Okay.
Oh, we have company.
I'll get it.
What can I do for you?
I-- I'm sorry to barge in here
like this, Mr. Howard.
My name is Cosgrove.
Sorry, kid,
I don't do interviews.
Oh, this isn't about
an interview, Mr. Howard.
I came to the Coast
to look at some of your
old shorts for broadcast.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I remember you from
the screening room, right?
Moe, don't be rude.
Ask him to come in.
You're the young man
I talked to on the phone
today, aren't you?
Yes, yes. Hi.
Wait a minute.
You know this kid?
Your wife was kind enough
to invite me over.
I see. A conspiracy.
And I came to ask you
to honor us with a visit.
A visit?
And not just you,
the whole Three Stooges
to do a show in Boston.
What--What are you
talking about? Do a show?
A live appearance,
like in the old
vaudeville days.
A revival.
Oh, a revival.
Yeah, that's nice.
Kid, it's not just me
you're wearing out,
it's the welcome mat.
Moe, maybe you should listen.
The Three Stooges
are over, kid.
Ancient history.
They're dead.
Look at the water, Shemp.
Isn't it beautiful?
Who knows what kind of germs
they got in there?
Hey, they say
the weather is like this
all year round.
Blue skies,
warm temperatures.
I bet you can barbeque
year round.
And garden.
Always wanted
to have a garden.
Where's all the people,
the sidewalks,
the schmutz in the air?
Now, listen.
If they offer us
a contract, fellows,
I say we take it.
We do and we're joined
at the hip with Healy forever.
With the Depression on,
Shemp, work is work.
And Healy is Healy.
Maybe we should get
one big house
and all share it.
Nothing doing, sister.
Larry and I are
going first class.
A nice hotel,
room service, the works.
A suite.
What would you do instead?
Sell apples
on the street corner?
Go back to mama
in Brooklyn?
You never
finished high school.
Neither did you.
You don't need no diploma
to be in pictures.
Oh, hello, there.
Hey, what are you
looking at?
Hey,
I'm just looking, baby.
Come here.
Just looking.
We got to look to the future,
fellows,
even if it means
sticking with Healy.
Nobody's gonna see
vaudeville anymore
now that they got
talking pictures.
What are you saying,
we got to talk?
And you're calling me
a scaredy-cat.
I need some pastrami.
California is for
fruits and nuts.
You are a fruit.
I'm not
letting you drive,
cement-head.
Is there really a lake
in Toluca Lake?
I think so.
It's over there.
Maybe it's over there.
Nice house you got.
We're renting.
Maybe after
the picture's finished,
we can afford
a down payment.
Shemp and I are
looking around, too,
but we haven't found
the right place yet.
Ah, none of this
housewife stuff for me.
Let someone else
do the work.
Larry and me,
we like big hotels.
I'm sick of
living out of suitcases.
I was saying to Moe,
it would be nice
to settle down.
What, in this burg?
It's a little quiet.
Well, the boys are
enjoying themselves.
Larry comes home
from the studio so excited.
He says he can't believe
he can get paid so much
for standing around
and being funny.
I'm not so sure
about Shemp.
He shakes like a leaf
every night.
I got to hold on tight
to keep him
from falling out of bed.
You know, Moe says
Healy's worse than ever.
The hell with Healy.
Maybe we're all getting
a little ahead of ourselves.
I mean, who knows
if it's even gonna work out?
Who are you kidding?
It's going to be terrific.
Yeah, it'll work out.
Moe will find a way.
He always does.
To success.
Success.
Success.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here we are
at the fabulous State Theater
in Hollywood
for the world premiere
of 20th Century Fox's
Soup to Nuts
starring Ted Healy.
And here he comes now.
Thank you very much.
It's a great night.
A great night.
I told my stooges
they're gonna get along fine
in Hollywood.
Out here they've
got lots of company.
So, what'd you think?
This is stooge central,
the land where...
Boo-hoo. A real stinker.
...all good stooges go.
Pretty soon
they'll be city supervisors.
Okay, baby,
here we go.
That's great.
See you, fellows.
Here you go, honey.
Mind your head. All right.
Just relax.
Thank you.
Here we go!
Fox bubbly tonight, huh?
This is
traveling in style.
You bet you.
Mr. Howard, Buddy Sheehan,
20th Century Fox.
How are you?
Let me come to the point.
How does a seven-year contract
with the studio
sound to you and your boys?
Well, sir, uh,
you better talk
to Ted Healy first.
This arrangement
would not include Mr. Healy.
Think about it.
The offer's good
until first thing tomorrow.
Oh, boy.
What do you think
of California now,
huh, chuckle-head?
I think it's swell.
Just swell.
Honey.
If that guy Sheehan
thinks he can steal you
from my act...
Take it easy, Ted.
You're under contract to me.
Maybe it's time for us to...
Maybe we'd be better off
if we just...
The material is mine,
Moe, and so are you.
You welch on me now,
I'll see to it
you never work again.
You hear me?
Come on, Betty.
We had an agreement.
Well, just give us a chance,
Mr. Sheehan.
You said the deal
was good until...
Well, he can't do that.
That's...
You said the deal
was good until...
Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
Healy got to him.
The studio
withdrew the offer.
It's rotten, Moe.
Yeah, I know.
You could ask
your parents for money.
Your mom's done all right
in real estate.
We'll go back to vaudeville.
We are still a good act
without Healy. Maybe better.
That's not what
you used to think.
Well, I know. I was wrong.
I've got to be wrong.
Where is he?
Always late.
What's with the late?
I ought to buy him
two watches.
Oh, boy.
Wow. Cutting it
kind of close,
aren't you, porcupine?
I had to make the plans
for Mabel
to meet us in Philly.
You can call her
from Santa Barbara.
Santa Barbara?
What are you
talking about?
I thought
we were headed East.
Newark, Philly,
and then Baltimore.
Forget East.
Hey, what's going on
here, Moe?
I got us two weeks
in Seattle,
that's what's going on.
Seattle?
All they got in
Seattle is fog.
They got $900 a week
to pay us for the gig.
Guaranteed.
Split even,
that's $300 each.
Healy ever pay you that much?
Hey, hey, hey.
It's not just the money,
is it, Moe?
Okay. Okay.
Healy threatened
to bomb the theaters
if we show up
in the East Coast.
Oh, come on,
he's bluffing.
Wait a minute.
I wouldn't put it past him.
Of course he's bluffing.
But the theater managers,
they're not
taking any chances.
They know what Healy's like.
He wants to kill the act,
fellows.
But we're not going
to let him do that.
Now come on.
We got a train to catch.
Moe. Moe, you awake?
No. This is me
talking in my sleep.
I'm worried, Moe.
What if Healy
doesn't back down?
Shemp, go to sleep,
will you?
What--What the hell's
going on here?
What?
For crying out loud,
Shemp!
I'm sorry, Larry,
I didn't mean it.
Guys, guys,
what's going on?
Ted Healy scared
the piss out of your brother
and it landed on me.
I can't do it, Moe,
I can't do it.
Jeez, Shemp.
Come on, open up, Shemp.
Nothing doing.
Would you forget about Healy?
He's full of hot air.
It's not just Healy, Moe.
It's you.
Me?
All I'm trying to do
is look after you.
I'm tired of
all the rough stuff...
The slaps, the pokes.
I don't want
to do it anymore.
Don't talk like that,
Shemp. Come on.
We've always been a team,
me and you.
Ever since we were kids.
Now come on out of there.
Come on out, Shemp,
right now.
I'm sorry, fellows.
All right.
What now, tough guy?
I haven't run out
of brothers yet.
No, like this.
Now you're talking.
He's funny.
You, Moishe, you were
always running away
to the melodramas.
Now you want
to take my baby.
Ma, you want him
to stay in Bath Beach
his whole life?
Jerry's got a gift,
Mrs. Howard.
A gift.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
California.
What do you say, kiddo?
Thought you'd
never ask.
Your brothers,
please talk to them for me.
The insurance salesman.
Ma, I ain't got no head
for that kind of stuff.
Or anything else.
Ma, would you
stop singing Kaddish?
He's not dead,
he's just going to California.
It's the same thing.
Jenny, come.
Take care of him, Moishe.
Of course I will, Mama.
He's my baby brother.
Let's celebrate.
Drinks are on me.
Come on.
Hey, there we go.
I want to meet
Charlie Chaplin.
You want to what?
I want to meet
Charlie Chaplin.
I hear he's got a house
out in California, right?
Well, I want to go over
and say hello.
Oh, brother.
Listen, babe,
it's not like that out there.
Charlie Chaplin
is a big movie star.
You don't just
go over to his house
and say hello.
Well, then I want to
invite him
to one of our shows.
Hey, listen, kid,
it ain't all peaches and
sunshine out there, all right?
I mean,
we're doing okay, but...
We're doing great.
We're just gonna
play small houses,
at least to start.
Like speakeasies,
social clubs, hotels.
Chaplin wouldn't go
for our stuff anyway.
He's too highbrow.
What are you guys
talking about?
He's a comedian,
and we're funny.
I don't care
if it's a hotel or a speak
or if he's Charlie Chaplin
or Franklin Roosevelt.
If they come to our show
they're gonna laugh.
Fine. Shut up
and go to sleep, will you?
Oh, stop it.
Enough. Guys,
I'm trying to sleep.
Cut it out, both of youse.
Would you stop it?
Would you cut it out?
I'm warning you both.
Babe, I'm warning you.
Would youse two just stop it?
I don't know, fellas.
No, I ain't doing it.
Babe, you got to have
something different from all
the other stooges out here.
Look at him.
Look. See? Look.
I don't know.
Look, your brother's right.
You got to have
what they call a trademark.
Promise me it won't hurt.
It's not gonna hurt.
Is it gonna hurt?
It might hurt a little bit.
It's not...
It won't hurt.
It won't hurt.
Sit down.
Ah, she's a master
with the shears there.
Get it all, now, Helen.
Nice and close.
Okay, Babe.
Oh...
No, you can't
have the mustache!
Look, kid,
you're a stooge.
Oh, God!
Yeah,
what do we call him now?
Babe's no good.
Oh, jeez, ain't I curly?
Oh, hey.
That's good.
That is really good.
Moe, Larry, Curly.
The Three Stooges.
The Three Stooges.
The Three Stooges, eh?
Swing it.
Swing it.
Gentlemen.
This way, Mr. Cohn.
If these guys are so good,
why they playin' this joint?
Ah, you take
what you can get.
Theaters can't make
the rent since Roosevelt
closed the banks.
Any of those other bums
here tonight?
I heard rumors
Mayor and Warner
might be coming.
Even L.B.
Harry.
Jack.
Harry.
That's good. Yeah.
Oh!
May I?
Woof! Wise guy, eh?
Hiya, toots.
Fancy meeting you here.
You know,
your mother and my mother
were both mothers.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
Oh!
What do you think this is?
Some boom town saloon?
This is
a classy joint.
It is?
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
Who? Me?
Yeah, you.
What are you doing here?
I'm looking for
the mother lode.
What? Do you got
rocks in your head?
No, but I got some nuggets
in my kit.
Hey, didn't your mother
tell you never to play
with your nuggets?
No, but she told me
this is the place
where all
the gold diggers come.
Oh, he didn't mean it.
Believe me.
A wise guy, eh?
Why, you...
You're not supposed
to duck.
Sorry.
They're loving it.
Let's keep going.
You see this?
Listen, you!
Hey! Why don't you
pick on somebody
your own size?
Oh, yeah?
These guys are certifiable.
I've never seen
a comic act
that wasn't
a nickel call away
from the loony bin.
Come on, you.
They loved us.
We killed them.
They love us!
We're great.
I've never seen
so many diamonds and pearls
in my life.
I was hoping
somebody might toss
a tiara our way.
Talk about
blue bloods.
I think I'm in love
with a rich man's wife.
Keep your eyes
in your head, Babe.
Let's see
how the chow is
in this joint.
Yeah, maybe like
mama used to make.
Maybe your mama.
Not mine.
Hey, Moe, what do you mean
by slapping me like that?
I'm sorry, Babe.
Next time make it harder,
so they can hear it
in the back row.
Good evening, gentlemen,
allow me to introduce myself.
Jack Warner.
One of
the Warner Brothers?
The Warner Brothers.
Enjoyed your act.
Enchanted.
Enraptured.
Embalmed.
You fellows
under contract to anybody?
They soon will be, Jack,
if I have anything
to say about it.
The Louis B. Mayer?
The business boys at my studio
can have a contract
ready for you by morning.
Don't listen
to that junk dealer.
Harry Cohn,
Columbia Pictures.
Poverty row.
That amount per picture.
Guarantee of one
with an option for renewal
for a whole season's worth
if we like what we see.
How does that sound?
The hell with you.
Typical, Harry.
Somebody pinch me.
Ooh, not there.
Fellas, watch this.
Here we go.
Oh, we're gonna
be famous!
We're gonna
be something!
We're going to
be in pictures!
Look at them.
Like a bunch of boys.
You think
they'll ever grow up?
Sister, I sure hope not.
You know what did it?
Our lucky charm, right?
We're gonna
be stars, guys!
We're gonna be famous
We're going to be famous
Leave it running.
What took you so long?
I had them
wax it for you.
I'm late.
I'm sorry, Harry.
Hey!
Mr. Howard!
Oh, no.
Mr. Howard.
Oops, sorry.
Please, Mr. Howard.
It'll only take a minute
of your time, please.
Somebody help.
Oh, no. No.
Just trying to let you see
how much I'd like
for you to bug off.
Now beat it.
What do you mean?
Ticker's fine, kid.
Be even better when
I've seen the last of you.
I'm not leaving till I
convince the Three Stooges
to come back East.
I already told you
we're not interested.
Now go back to Boston.
I can't.
Not without you.
I sort of promised
my boss you'd make
a personal appearance.
I know... It was the only way
I could convince them
to buy the shorts.
And what if we don't?
They'll fire me.
You got a lot of chutzpah, kid,
I'll give you that.
I wish I could help you,
but I can't.
Have you talked to Larry?
No!
Could you at least
give me his number?
I'm the one that
makes the decisions
for the Stooges.
Always did, always will!
What are you afraid of?
This kid.
Have you ever died, kid?
Not that
I can remember, no.
No? Well, I have.
In Philly, Seattle, Cleveland.
Nobody laughed?
That's right.
And it's a lousy feeling
when nobody laughs.
See, nobody laughs
making pictures anymore.
Now all they make is deals.
Yeah. It was different.
When we first
came on to this lot,
everybody was
always laughing.
Laughing. Laughing
their heads off. Sure.
As long as you're laughing,
you still have hope.
I remember the first day
we drove through the gate.
And we were here to see
the big man himself,
Mr. Harry Cohn.
The Three Stooges
to see Mr. Cohn.
Go ahead.
Well, this is it,
fellows,
the big time.
Mind your manners.
May I help you?
Yes, the Three Stooges
to see Mr. Cohn, please.
Oh, yes. Mr. Cohn's
been expecting you.
Go right in.
Been waiting
for an hour!
Ready, fellows?
Here we go.
Excuse me,
we're the Three Stooges.
We're here to see Mr. Cohn.
Have a seat.
Mr. Cohn will be
with you shortly.
When you hear
the buzzer, make sure
you go right in.
Mr. Cohn doesn't like
to have to buzz
people twice.
Spread out.
Tell Frank Capra he's
only got Claudette Colbert
for 21 days,
so he better finish
the picture on schedule!
I walked by the writers'
building this morning.
You know what I heard?
Nothing. I'm paying
these monkeys to type.
I want to hear typing.
Lean on the bums.
Tell them
not to worry about good.
Just make it fast!
What do you mean,
leaving a light on
in your office last night?
Don't lie to me.
I saw it.
Hey, who do you think
pays the bills around here?
You wanna waste electricity,
okay.
Get somebody else's nickel
to do it with. You're fired.
Spindle,
I've got a report right here
from Cap Duncan at the gate,
says you slinked in here
at 9:02.
You know the rules.
At your desk at 9:00 sharp.
What's the matter,
can't you get
to work on time?
I'll make it easy for you.
You're fired!
Morning, boys.
Been waiting long?
No, sir.
Romm,
get your ass down here now.
Harry scouts
the new talent for us.
That's why
you boys are here.
I don't give a damn
for small talk,
so I'll make it quick.
We'll pay you $1,000
for your first film.
$1,250 for another four.
And $1,500 for
two more after that.
If we decide
you're Columbia material.
That sound okay to you?
Yes, sir, whatever you say.
Good. Get over to
the shorts department.
They'll put you to work
right away.
Excuse me, sir,
did you say shorts?
Yeah.
Well, sir,
begging your pardon, sir,
but we were kind of hoping
that you'd maybe want to
headline us in features.
You guys don't
belong in features.
You're comics.
Buster Keaton, he thought
he belonged in features,
now he's working here.
Keaton, Andy Clyde,
we got them all working here.
Times are tough.
People like to laugh.
At this studio, the shorts
pay for the features.
Now get going.
Yes, sir.
Where are they
sending us?
I hope you know
where you're going, Moe.
I know
where I'm going.
Here it is.
This is where
we're working?
It's like
a sausage factory here.
Cohn's just trying us out.
He'll give us a break
when he sees what we could do.
What's that?
What the...
Yank it, Moe, come on.
It's not opening.
Give me a hand, fellows.
On the count of three.
All right. Here we go.
One, two, three.
So, the Three Stooges.
Moe Howard, right?
How are you?
What's going on in there?
It sounds like
murder and mayhem.
Come on in, fellows.
Meet your team.
Hey, which one of
you guys is murder?
Which one's mayhem?
That's Felix Adler
and Clyde Brookman.
Ace gagmen.
We steal from the best.
Each other.
And that's Del Lord,
director extraordinaire.
I say action and cut.
You guys do
everything in between.
My name's Jules White.
Technocrap.
Technocrap?
That's right.
I take no crap from anybody.
Right up to, and especially
including, His Royal Highness
and God Almighty, Harry Cohn.
I run this little empire.
It doesn't look like much,
but a lot of magic
happens here.
Come on,
I'll show you something.
This is where we hide
the latest secret weapons.
Show them
what you got, Joe.
Let me wind it back a little.
Okay. Now watch this.
I like that.
That's something.
Oh, I get it.
It's sound effects.
This is where all the murder
and mayhem comes from.
Right. So why don't you
slap him, just like you do
in your act.
Only real slow.
Just a tap.
Okay.
I like that.
That's a good one.
Hit him again.
Go ahead.
Give me one,
give me one over here.
Terrific.
Hey, you hear that?
That's great.
It's all in here.
What is this thing?
A Foley board.
Named after the guy
who invented it.
They use them a lot
in radio.
I rigged this one
for pictures.
You know
what this means, Moe?
I won't have to get
a headache all time
from you slapping me around.
Oh. When do we start?
6:00 tomorrow morning.
Here we go, fellows.
Ready, boys?
Sure.
We're ready
if you're ready.
Right this way.
Ready or not,
here we come.
Just remember, fellows,
we're terrific.
We're colossal.
We're even mediocre.
Woman Haters.
Scene 3. Take 1.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Spread out.
Hello, Captain.
You sent for us?
Yes.
How'd you find
that patient in 66?
Under the bed.
How'd you find
the patient in 72?
Up on the chandelier.
What did you do
for him?
Nothing.
What did he ever
do for us?
What are you
working here for?
For duty and humanity.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Calling Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.
Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!
Here you go.
Oh, Limburger.
How are you feeling?
All right?
You feeling a little dizzy?
Never felt better
in my life.
See, I didn't put
enough rat poison
in his cheese.
Hey, what's the big idea?
What's he think I am?
A rat?
What about it?
Well, you don't
have to tell everyone.
Serves you right.
You started everything.
I can't see!
I can't see!
What's the matter?
I got my eyes closed.
Listen, you...
See this?
Come on.
Yoo-hoo!
Dodgie, kiss me.
Darling. Darling.
Colonel, this is
Mrs. Dodge, my wife.
Oh, Colonel.
Mrs. Dodge.
Oh!
Pepper.
Gesundheit.
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
Rrrowf!
I've never seen anything
like him.
The fat one, he kills me.
These guys are
making us a bundle.
Fan clubs springing up
all over the country.
Theater owners
can't get enough of them.
Good. Tell them
from now on if they wanna
book a Stooge show,
they'll have to take
one of the B pictures.
Let's unload some stinkers.
These guys are Columbia's
blue-plate special.
Working stiffs who thumb
their noses at high society.
I like that.
They know
how popular they are?
I don't think so.
Let's keep it that way.
Put them on salary.
They're my own personal
National Recovery Act.
And, like prosperity,
I want them just around
the corner when I need them.
Here we go!
For duty and humanity.
For duty and humanity.
And $750 a week.
That's just for starters.
It goes up every year
if they renew the option.
All the way up to 2,750.
Yeah, split three ways.
Go easy on that stuff, Babe.
Why, certainly.
Hey, Moe, you think that's
the best deal we could get?
You know what Cohn's like.
Take it or leave it.
I don't know. I say
we rock the boat a little.
You know,
go to some other studios,
see if we can get a deal
for some features some place.
Do you know how to swim?
What are you talking about?
I wouldn't rock the boat
if I were you. Harry Cohn's
a pretty tough mug.
A lot tougher than we are.
What do you think, Jerry?
Jerry?
Whatever Moe says
is okay with me.
Come on.
I feel like dancing.
Me, too.
Okay.
Come on, I'll show you
the Brooklyn two-step.
What's
the blonde's name?
Elaine, I think.
You know you're worth
more than the studio
is paying you, don't you?
Sure.
But what can I do about it?
It's good money these days.
Besides, what are these guys
going to do
with more dough anyway?
They'll just find
new ways to spend it.
Your brother do
all the thinking for you?
I got better things to do.
Like you, toots.
Anything you want
from me, you name it.
Well, I've always
wanted a mink stole.
It's yours.
Poor Jerry.
He's such a dope
when it comes to women.
Some guys
are just born saps.
Yeah, and some girls
put up with them.
Oh, Mr. Fine,
can I have your autograph?
Cut it out.
I wish they'd stop
staring at me.
I didn't always look
like this, you know.
I used to be handsome.
You look pretty good
to me.
And how.
Hi, sweetheart.
Good evening.
Handle with care.
Hello, Moe.
Helen.
The boys with you?
Hey, Larry.
Who's that guy?
Great to see you.
He's nobody.
Whoa. Hey.
I guess you got
plenty to celebrate.
Ted...
Hey, I'm not here
to fight, Moe.
Let's bury the hatchet
for one night.
What do you say?
I'm gonna be a father.
Oh, Ted. That's great.
Congratulations.
Here you go.
Come on, Helen, take it.
Good seeing you, Moe.
Hey, here, have a cigar.
Help me celebrate.
Have another.
Here. Waiter,
there you go.
Thanks.
Bartender,
drinks for everybody.
I'm gonna be a father.
I know you.
You used to be
with those guys.
They used to be with me.
Take off your hat.
Now raise
your right hand.
Now place
your left hand here.
Take off your hat.
Raise your right hand.
Now place your
left hand here.
Please take off
your hat.
Raise your right hand.
Will you please
take off your hat?
Raise your right hand.
Now put
your left hand here.
Take off your hat!
Raise your right hand.
Will you get rid of that hat?
Now you raise
your right hand.
Do you know
what swearing means?
No, Judgie-wudgie,
but I know all the words.
Cut. Print. Yes.
Take five, everybody.
You may be
the brains of the act, Moe,
but he's the heart.
Just terrific.
Hey, look what I got.
Excuse me, Mr. Fine.
Sorry so interrupt,
but we got work to do.
Listen, Moe, loan me
20 bucks, will you?
I dropped a bundle
on this game today.
Is there anything
you don't bet on?
Yeah, a winner.
All right. I'll cover you.
No problem.
Thanks, Moe.
Sure.
What are you doing?
You see,
every time I lend you money
you forget, right?
And when I ask you for it,
you say, "What money?
When? Where?" Right. Okay.
Now you won't forget.
Come on, Babe,
let's go. We're on.
In a minute.
Look at you. You collect
these stray dogs the same way
you collect stray women.
At least you don't
marry the dogs.
Yeah,
the dogs are cheaper.
I bet.
How much dough
did you drop
on that last tomato?
I'm a victim
of circumstance.
Babe, you need to settle down,
save your money. Same as me.
Property's a real racket
out here, you know.
Maybe if you
grew up a little...
Say, Moe...
Just because you're older
than me doesn't give you
the right to boss me around.
It ain't like
in the pictures, you know.
Oh, for crying out loud,
Babe.
Would you quit whining?
You know I'm just trying
to help you, that's all.
Moe, Jerry. Hey, guys.
What's up?
Healy's dead.
Come on.
I just heard it
on the radio.
He got in a fight last night
at the Troc.
It must have been
right after we left there.
You know he was
drinking pretty heavy.
What a tough break.
And he was gonna have a kid.
Nah, Healy ain't dead.
What do you mean
he ain't dead?
He's right here.
Oh, that Babe.
He was as hard to grab
as a rabbit sometimes.
I tried to look after him
the way I promised Mama.
I guess I made a mess
of that, too.
Listen, kid,
I would love to help you out,
but we're old men now.
Nobody wants to see us.
I wouldn't be too sure
about that. Look.
Oh, no, no, no.
I stopped reading the trades
years ago.
Oh, I think you'll
want to read this.
What do you got here?
What is this?
This year alone
they're going to make
12 million off the shorts.
Hmm? What do you
get out of it?
I did the best
I could for you guys.
Oh, yeah. Sure you did.
Moe, Moe,
we've been through this.
Your contract is very clear.
I'm not talking
about contracts, Harry.
I'm talking about respect.
Respect, Harry.
For 20 years
you and Cohn
have been treating us
like second-class citizens.
Everything you dished out,
we took it.
And we stayed loyal to you.
And then what do we get?
Hmm? The old heave-ho.
Hey, you're forgetting
something, Moe.
This studio, it made you.
If it hadn't been for us
you'd be...
I'd be exactly where I am!
Toluca Lake ain't exactly
Beverly Hills, Harry.
You live fat
because we paid for it.
And you're still
getting rich off us.
Maybe it's time you showed
a little gratitude, Harry.
We deserve better.
We deserve better.
And you know it.
You like barbeque, kid?
Sure.
Be at my house Saturday,
5:00 sharp. We'll talk.
Okay.
My good people
of Moronica,
I am very happy to see
this little gathering.
Our motto shall be
"Moronica for morons."
Moronica must expand.
We will extend
our neighbors
a helping hand.
We will extend them
two helping hands
and help ourselves
to our neighbors.
Kreplach.
Kreplach.
Furthermore...
Ja, Mann.
Hallelujah.
Ow!
We will now pause
for station identification.
This is N-U-T-S.
When you hear the conk
on the dome,
it will be 3:00
Balonia watch time.
3:00 Balonia watch time.
3:00 Balonia watch time.
It must be 3:00.
Cut. Print.
Let's run 'em.
"Take your troops out
and burn every book
in Moronica."
That's your cue, Babe.
Oh, I'm sorry, Moe.
Give 'em to me again.
"Take your troops out
and burn every book
in Moronica."
Don't worry about it.
The words are
no cinch for me either.
Another headache?
It's nothing.
Ready on the set, fellows.
Come on, let's go.
Say, Jules, what do you say
we call it a wrap for today?
Babe's feeling
a little under the weather.
No can do, Moe.
We're behind schedule.
The studio's pushing.
I'm sorry.
It's fine. I'm fine, Moe.
Are you sure?
Really.
Okay. Okay.
You never know
where you're gonna go,
do you?
Sure is great
to hear those troops
laugh, ain't it?
Yeah, well,
they got it coming.
How many times
we done that
routine anyway?
They never
get tired of it.
Good thing, too.
These live shows
pay three times
what we get from Cohn.
You coming?
I'll see you later.
Let's go.
Take me to
the hottest place in town.
Oh, boy.
Don't worry.
He always comes back.
So far.
Come on, let's go.
4:00.
Moe, for heaven's sake,
please go to sleep.
Every time we go on the road,
Babe goes crazy.
Oh! I try talking to him,
telling him things.
He don't listen to me.
It's like I--
I got a little kid here
instead of a brother.
That's what I got.
Go back to sleep, Helen.
Where the hell is he?
Swing it!
Hey, this place is a morgue.
I said swing it.
I don't believe him.
He's out all night
drinking, carousing.
I'll kill him.
I'll kill him.
I swear to God.
Is that
who I think it is?
Yeah, I think it is.
Ladies, charmed.
It's him.
Room 237, please.
Thank you.
Are you...
Certainly.
You ain't gonna
smoke that, are you?
Ow!
What are you doing?
Hey, look, a souvenir.
It's me.
You okay, kid?
Get me up.
Shh. It's okay.
Are you all right?
It hurt worse than you, Moe.
Sometimes the fans
get a little enthusiastic.
You know that.
I know. But why can't
they just mind
their own business?
I'm a normal guy
just like everybody else.
I'm me, Jerry.
Curly's just an act.
Ouch!
Sorry.
We got to make
allowances, Babe.
I know,
but it still hurts.
Jerry's got a point, Moe.
You're 46.
How much longer
do you think
you can keep knocking
each other around?
As long as they're laughing,
we could do it forever.
Aw, who am I kidding?
I'm just a cue ball
with legs.
Don't talk
like that.
It's true ain't it?
"Hey, turnip-head,"
and all them other names
you call me.
It's true.
Come on, Babe.
That's just in the pictures.
You don't really think
I mean that, do you?
I'm sorry, Moe.
I'm sorry I talk that way.
I'm just temperamental.
You know me.
Yeah, 95% temperament,
5% mental.
Nyuk-nyuk.
I never know
which Curly's gonna show up.
One day
he's bouncing off the walls,
the next day a snail
could outrun him.
Don't worry.
He'll be fine
when we're rolling.
I need to
get this today.
You'll get it, George.
Don't worry.
Places, everybody.
Let's take it
from the top.
Roll 'em.
Half-Wits Holiday.
Scene 7. Take 1.
Action, Bernie.
Hmm.
There is definite evidence
of vacancy of the cranium.
Gee, thanks.
Why, these men are morons.
Yeah, but we're organized.
Amalgamated Association
of Morons,
Local 6 and 7/8s.
We are morons
tried and true.
And we'll do our yell for you.
Cut it.
Cut the camera.
Babe!
Curly, you all right?
Somebody get a doctor, quick!
Oh, Babe. Oh, Babe.
Is he okay?
Somebody get some help.
Hurry!
Please, get a doctor!
Babe? Babe?
Mr. Howard?
Mr. Howard, please.
I'd like to stick around
if it's all the same
to you, Doc.
There's nothing else
you can do.
Leave your brother to us.
We'll call you
if there's any change
in his condition.
A stroke.
And all this time
I thought it was the booze
and the broads.
How could I be so blind?
You said yourself
he's a private person.
It's not your fault.
I thought I knew him.
I mean, he was my brother.
He--He is my brother.
What did I know, Helen?
I didn't know anything.
You hear that?
Hear what?
The ax falling.
I hear Curly
fell down on the set.
Ronald says
he looked like he went
10 rounds with Max Baer.
The doctors say
he'll get better.
When?
It's hard to say
right now, Mr. Cohn.
Ah.
Moe, Larry, you know
I've always loved the Stooges.
The other studios
are getting out
of the shorts game,
but I've kept
you guys in business.
I'm just as busted up
about Curly's illness
as you are. You know that.
Yeah, sure,
Mr. Cohn, we know that.
It's too bad.
But let's not be
chumps about it.
I want you guys to know,
as long as I'm around,
the Stooges will always have
a place at Columbia Pictures.
Now get out of here.
Thanks, Mr. Cohn.
Thank you, Mr. Cohn.
Moe, just a reminder,
I'm paying for three Stooges,
not two.
Well, it's time
to call Shemp.
Fright Night.
Scene 4. Take 1.
Action.
All right,
lace that glove.
I'm lacing.
I'm lacing.
What's the matter,
Shemp, you nervous?
Just my left hand.
When you hear the bell,
you come out fighting.
Any blood, ignore it.
Where are you going, fellows?
Fellows?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
Eeeb-eeeb-eeeb-eeeb!
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
Love taps. Love taps.
Hey, look,
fancy footwork.
Uh-oh.
Okay, watch this.
There goes Shemp
with a left jab.
There goes Shemp
with a right uppercut.
There goes Shemp
with a haymaker.
There goes Shemp.
And cut.
Great. Wonderful.
Boy, I'm getting too old
for this.
Atta boy. Atta boy.
Just like riding a bike,
huh?
It's good
to have you back.
Thanks.
So, I just got to
do this till Babe
comes back, right?
That's right.
All right.
Oh, look at that.
Tomato ketchup.
Everybody's rooting
for you, Babe.
We're all here for you.
I talked
to Larry and Shemp.
We're all pitching in
150 a week to help
cover your expenses here.
Brother,
Shemp's a trooper, boy.
He complains
as much as he used to.
But I think he likes
being part of the act again.
And the studio's
pinching the pennies
pretty hard. Oh, boy.
We're remaking
some of our old shorts
with Shemp doing your bits.
That saves them
on new footage.
Yeah.
And remember
how they used to give us
a week, Babe?
Remember that?
They got us
knocking them out
in a couple of days now.
Oh, boy. I keep asking
for more time,
but you know Jules.
All about
the numbers now.
All about the numbers.
Hey, Babe, there's a...
There's a...
Just a little something
I need you to read for me.
I need you
to take a look at this.
I want you to read this.
Not right now.
I'm going to leave
it right here
with the others.
Don't worry about it.
We need to think
about the future, Babe.
I know
you'll understand.
We're all hoping and praying
to have you back with us
real soon.
Okay, kid.
"Dear Babe,
"in view of the fact
that you are no longer
able to work as a Stooge
"I will need
your signature underneath
"attesting to the fact
that you give me,
"as owner
of the Three Stooges,
"the perpetual rights
to use your face and voice
for all future advertising,
"commercial tie-ins,
merchandising,
and any other venues
"that I see fit
for here on in."
Family and colleagues
gathered today
to mark the passing
of Three Stooges member,
Shemp Howard,
who died of a heart attack
this week at age 59.
His death, which follows
that of younger brother
Jerome "Curly" Howard in 1952,
comes as the latest blow
to the comedy team
led by surviving brother
Moe Howard and
partner Larry Fine.
I'm awful sorry, Moe.
Yeah, me, too.
I tell you, though,
Shemp, he always gave it
everything he had.
But he could never
get out of Curly's shadow.
Two brothers in three years.
Sometimes I wonder
if they really believed
that tough guy up there
on the screen was really me.
Somebody had to
pay attention
to business.
Think how long you kept
the Stooges alive.
But for how much longer?
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!
Rrrowf! Rrrowf!
Next.
That's wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
Moe, I know how you feel,
but we can't keep reusing
Shemp's old footage.
You need another Stooge.
Besser's good.
Yeah, but DeRita's funnier.
Plus his style is
a lot closer to ours.
Yeah, but Besser's
already under contract
to Columbia.
And you know Harry.
Pies and Guys.
Scene 23. Take 1.
Action.
Why you...
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
You forgot to duck, silly.
Not so hard.
Crazy.
Crazy?
I'll show you crazy.
Stop.
Joe, your line is...
I don't care
what my line is.
Cut.
Joe, this shot
is the punchline.
I understand.
Good. Now we'll pick it up.
Roll the camera.
But I am not taking
a pie in the face.
All right.
We'll get it in the morning.
That's a wrap.
Get Joe DeRita on the phone.
Yes, Mr. White.
See you tomorrow.
What is this?
Two Stooges
and a hold-out.
I don't know, Moe.
Maybe we're staying
too long at the dance.
What do you mean?
I mean it's no fun
anymore, Moe.
You know,
Besser's no Stooge.
And the pictures
pretty much stink, too.
We got a contract, Larry.
Yeah, I'm talking
about after that.
I've been a Stooge
as long as I can remember.
That's right.
24 years with Cohn.
190 shorts, give or take.
Yeah, and no features.
Oy.
The Marx Brothers,
Abbot and Costello,
Laurel and Hardy.
They all made them.
Why not us?
I guess it just
wasn't in the cards.
That's all.
Would it be so bad
if we retired?
Retired to what?
Hey, face it, Moe,
we're dinosaurs.
Nobody watches
two-reelers anymore.
They got television now.
No one would give us
a shot at that.
You walk out on
the Stooges right now,
Larry Fienberg,
and, so help me,
I'll murder you.
I will annihilate you.
You've been saying
that for 30 years.
I'm still here.
Yeah, well, I'll say it for
another 30 years from the
bottom of the Pacific ocean.
From the bottom...
Right here, you'll
be talking, all right!
What you going to do,
you clown?
What? Are you gonna
throw me in the water?
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, get over here.
Come back.
What's with the flag, Ed?
Haven't you heard?
Heard what?
Mr. Cohn. He's dead.
Had a heart attack
last night in Phoenix.
I guess he was
human after all.
Wow.
Well,
better pay our respects.
I can't let you on the lot.
What do you mean?
The new guys at
the front office
sent word.
The shorts department
is closed.
Closed?
And we can't get on the lot?
Sorry, Moe.
Looks like you got your wish.
That was maybe one of
the worst days of my life.
Yeah, you thought
we were washed up.
We were washed up.
Yeah, yeah,
we were washed up.
Yeah.
That's for you.
Specialty of the house.
So, I read the touts
and I said to Larry,
Equine Prince looks good
in the third at Santa Anita.
But did he listen to me?
Hey, over here
with beets.
You know, this summer
Americans will spend
3 million hours barbequing.
Get out of here.
You don't say.
Read it
in a magazine.
Yeah, 3 million hours
at the grill and 5 million
trying to explain
why it all turned out
like Moe's chicken.
I heard that, DeRita.
Remind me to
murder you later.
Yeah, I'll make a note of it.
Yeah, you do that.
So, Moe, these live shows,
they could be
a real goldmine.
Trust me,
the kids are gonna
love you guys.
You're like a live-action
version of the cartoons
they watch on television.
Television.
Don't mention that word.
Now, hold on
a minute, Larry.
Let's say
this kid's right,
and we do have
a new generation of fans
out there.
If this pans out,
this could mean
a lot of work.
They got ribbon-cutting
ceremonies, and fairs,
and shopping centers.
Oh, shopping centers, now.
That's nice.
A little overdue
recognition, maybe.
We got to show them
what we've got.
What you've got is
old men's knees and backs.
What he ain't got anymore
is a callous on the side
of his face from getting
slapped around.
All right.
So what's it gonna be,
fellows?
Joe?
Even if you decide
not to do it, Moe,
I'll never forget
you asked me.
What do you say, Larry?
Go on. You'll just
sit around and mope
all day.
What the hell?
You're on, kid.
Oh, great.
You leave for
Boston tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Boston?
All right?
Mabel, you step up
right there.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Okay, from the top.
Delighted,
Mrs. Gotrocks.
Devastated.
Dilapidated.
What's the matter
with you? Easy. Easy.
Not so hard, Moe.
It's okay.
Keep going.
Okay, okay.
Enchanted, Countess.
Enraptured.
I forget.
Oh, for Pete's sake, Larry!
How many times
have we done this routine?
If I forget. I forget.
I'm sorry. I forget.
Embalmed!
Enchanted,
enraptured and...
I know it now.
Embalmed.
Thank you.
We're supposed to be plumbers
pretending to be gentlemen.
See?
He ain't laughing, Moe.
I can see that.
Curly got laughs with
that Mrs. Gotrocks routine
every time.
Remember?
Sure.
I miss him.
I miss him.
This whole trip I can't
stop thinking about him.
No insult to Joe.
I just...
I just wish
he was here.
Shemp, too.
We should have said no.
You should have said yes,
and you did.
No would have been easier.
Oh, since when has easy been
the first choice for you?
You look like
you could use
some company.
Mrs. Howard. Please.
I just wanted
to say thank you.
Moe talks tough,
but if you knew how much
this means to them.
What's wrong?
There's something
I didn't...
I couldn't...
I should tell you.
The shorts didn't even go
on the air until tonight.
I tried calling the station
when we stopped in Chicago,
but they hadn't got
the numbers yet.
Numbers?
What numbers?
Everything in television
is numbers. Ratings.
I don't understand.
People are numbers, okay.
They count them.
The more people
that watch the show,
the more people will be
at the theater.
So you don't know...
No.
No. Not until we get there.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Next stop Boston.
Boston, five minutes.
Come on in.
You folks ready?
Ready as we'll ever be.
Great. We'll just make
the first show.
I'll take your bags.
Okay.
Thank you.
Isn't it time
you got in character?
Sure.
How do I look?
Great.
What's up, Larry?
Driver, we're running late.
Come on, guys.
One of you get
in front with me.
Can you take this?
Ladies,
get in the back here,
thank you.
Hi, driver. Uh, yes...
Moe?
Larry. Larry.
All right, girls,
we'll see you
over there, all right?
Come on,
everybody, come on.
Here we go.
What do you say, Tom?
Let's go!
Just here.
Thank you.
Okay, guys.
All right.
Oh, boy.
First class all the way,
aren't you, kid?
We really wanted
to roll out
the red carpet,
but, you know,
we're a small station.
Are you guys
who I think you are?
That's them,
all right.
I thought
you were dead.
That's a nice thought
right there, hmm?
Look at my hands shake.
This is worse than the races.
It'll be fine.
Yeah? You tell them that.
You do realize how much
this means to them,
don't you, Tom?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, follow me.
Showtime.
How many seats
in this house, kid, huh?
About 800.
Oh, yeah?
We used to fill houses
twice that size.
Remember that, Larry?
I'll show you to
your dressing rooms.
Wait a minute.
Listen to that.
It's a full house.
Looks like Larry and me
can go back to room service.
You did good, kid.
That's how we do it.
You make contact
with the brow bone,
not with the eyes.
Looks real on camera
though.
Dressing rooms.
Forget that.
What are we waiting for?
What the hell?
Sure.
Spread out.