The Trouble with Jessica (2023) Movie Script
1
Uh-huh?
Okay.
That's great.
And they've accepted the price?
You think we can still
exchange on Thursday?
THE TROUBLE WITH JESSICA
That's great. Listen,
I just need to take another call.
Talk soon. Bye.
Hey.
What? You're bringing who?
Okay. No, it's--
It's fine. It is fine.
It is... Oh, shit.
No! Of course! Fine!
I am saying it's fine.
That's how you know it's fine.
Well, there's plenty of food,
so I'll see you soon.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, they're bringing Jessica.
Oh, God!
Why are they bringing Jessica?
-Why not bring Jessica?
-She always flirts with you.
She flirts with everyone.
Fine. Then we can all flirt
with Little Miss "Aren't I Fascinating"?
She just wrote this bestseller.
400 pages of confession porn, I know.
Now, she's coming over.
It's going to be, "Oh, hi, Jessica.
Sorry, I haven't read your book."
-It's not that big of a deal.
-I know.
It's just I wanted this evening
to be special.
It will be special.
This is going to be
our last dinner in this house.
It won't be that bad.
Yeah, you always think
it won't be that bad.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how many times I can say it.
Yeah, I know.
-Hi, baby darling.
-Hey!
-Hi, Sarah.
-Hi, Beth.
-You look gorgeous.
-Crashing your party.
-You don't mind, do you?
-Hi, mate!
Hey, hello!
-Smells promising.
-Hi, Tom.
Hey, Jessica.
I was hoping you'd make the clafoutis.
-Have you tried Tom's clafoutis?
-No, never.
All you should do is make clafoutis.
Seriously, you haven't lived
until you've tried his clafoutis.
-Okay, okay. I made the clafoutis.
-Yes!
-Yay!
-Oh, I can see the-- mm!
It'll be an occasion.
You don't forget Tom's clafoutis.
How are the kids?
-Ben has become a born-again Christian.
-What?
-He says he needs faith in his life.
-Ah!
Last night, he tried
to make us hold hands and pray.
Hopefully, he'll just get bored, and
become an anarchist, or something.
-Well, Poppy just came out.
-Really?
At least no worry
about her getting pregnant.
Thank you.
-I hear your book's doing well.
-Yeah.
I haven't read it yet.
-That's okay.
-I've read it. Brilliant.
-Well, what's it about?
-It's a memoir of my misspent life.
Reviews have been amazing.
-You should read it.
-Absolutely, I will read it.
I've never actually
been to your house before.
-You haven't?
-No, you never invited me.
-Oh, well.
-Why don't you show me around?
Sure.
Here. Let's start upstairs.
-Everyone is reading your book.
-Not your wife.
I hope you don't mind my bringing Jessica.
-She was tagging along before I knew it.
-It's fine.
No, it isn't fine. I can see it isn't.
-What's up there?
-That's my office.
-What's this then?
-Just a project I've been working on.
All those sharp edges.
-Are people supposed to live in it?
-Hopefully.
What? Oh.
Ah, that.
I've never forgotten that night.
Do you ever think about it?
I was just showing Jessica
the Napier Street project.
Hmm. The food's burning, maybe
get back to it before dinner is ruined.
Fine, yeah.
-Wait. How many women?
-Seven.
Jesus!
Doesn't it bother you
defending someone like that?
Someone's got to do it.
-But why has it to be you?
-Not this argument again.
If you dealt with as many domestic
violence victims as I, you wouldn't do it.
If I didn't, you wouldn't
enjoy the lifestyle you do.
Not on a domestic violence
counselor's salary.
But why do you have
to do so many rape cases?
Actually, I'd like to get
out of rape, back into murder.
The thing about rapists... is they're all...
arseholes.
-No kidding.
-Murderers aren't assholes?
Well, it's a type of arsehole.
Plus, I fucking hate
cross-examining rape victims!
See, it's impossible
not to look like a cunt!
I defy anyone to do this,
and not look like a cunt.
My husband, the cunt, everyone.
It's not easy being a cunt.
You have no idea.
I was raped once.
What?
When?
Oh, it was years ago.
Straight after college.
-Why did you never tell me?
-I didn't tell anyone.
I thought he'd get a clever lawyer
and I'd get humiliated in court and...
-And he'd get off anyway.
-Well.
Now I really do feel like a cunt.
Well, now you see what you really are.
Truth hurts, doesn't it?
What?
-You weren't raped, were you?
-I'm just fucking with you.
I can't believe you made a joke
about being raped.
You didn't seem to mind
when he was joking about it.
That was so funny. Yeah, I know.
Sarah, are you all right?
I'm sorry.
Napier Street's become
this obsession for Tom.
He thinks no one's ever
taken him seriously,
and this is going to change everything.
The main investor pulled out,
so Tom took out a loan without telling me.
-Oh, my God.
-And now, it's way over budget.
He's run out of money and-- Oh shit. So...
I didn't find out until I started doing
this year's tax return.
Of course, by then,
it was too fucking late.
Anyhow, it's fine.
Yeah, well, then everyone
settled down, and got boring.
-Oh.
-Except Jessica, of course.
-Oh, well.
-You never got boring.
-Crazy gets boring after a while.
-We were all crazy about you.
Do you remember
that last night after finals?
All you did was talk about buildings.
And I just wanted you to
take me home and fuck me.
For fuck's sake.
-You had us wrapped around your finger.
-But you married Beth.
-I did.
-Yeah, don't you forget it.
You wouldn't have made each other happy.
-Nah.
-I never make men happy.
-What about Mr. X?
-Mr. X?
I wouldn't say I made him happy.
He made me happy.
It's from the book.
A married man, apparently.
Do we know him?
-She won't tell me.
-Hope his wife doesn't find out.
Not from me.
I'm not going to burst that bubble.
Maybe it's not a bubble.
Maybe it is a marriage.
Kind of the same thing, isn't it?
Well...
How about the clafoutis?
-Yes.
-Seriously, you have to try his clafou--
For God's sake, can we stop
going on about the clafoutis?
Jess, love...
-He was just trying to--
-I know. I'm sorry.
Sometimes you get tired of bullshit.
What bullshit?
-Why don't we all--
-No, I'd like to know what bullshit.
-Hm.
-The roles we've all chosen.
Charming amoralist.
Po-faced do-gooder.
Pathological dreamer.
Grown-up. Fuck-up.
Maybe the bullshit tells us,
our lives are bullshit.
Who made you the arbiter
of what's bullshit, and what isn't?
-You asked me.
-I shouldn't have had to.
This is my house, my table,
and I don't need you telling me
that my life is bullshit.
Fine. I'm sorry I was rude
about your perfect house,
and your perfect life,
and your perfect clafoutis.
We should all be so fucking lucky as you.
Lucky? Oh, that's a good one.
We having to sell the house.
-What?
-Yeah.
Hm, believe it or not,
other people have problems. Real problems.
Not just who they're going to flirt with,
and... get high with, and fuck.
It's amazing you've led this
life of zero responsibility,
and get a bestseller out of it,
then you have to sit here
and be a total narcissist.
And just for one evening,
can you just not flirt
with my fucking husband?
Hey!
You're selling the house?
-Yeah, we have to.
-Well, what happened?
Well... We got into trouble.
Oh, shit! Can we help?
-No.
-No what? Of course, we can!
-It's too much.
-Nonsense!
You helped us. I don't know
what we'd done if you hadn't!
Do you happen to have a spare million?
-Shit.
-We'll manage. We have a buyer.
As long as we exchange contracts
this week, we'll be fine.
I'm sorry I went off on her.
She always manages to get to me,
and I don't know why.
I should never have brought her.
She kind of insisted. It was weird.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe it is all-- all bullshit.
I mean, you try to build a life, a home.
A future for your kids.
What the fuck is wrong with that?
And one day, something happens,
and you wonder if the effort,
all the fucking effort
that you put into your life...
You wonder if someone is just
playing a fucking joke on you!
You'll bounce back.
-Of course, you'll bounce back.
-Yes, we'll bounce back.
-As long as we sell the house.
-This?
You sell this house?
It's a great fuckin' house!
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right, darling. Don't worry.
Uh. You probably want dessert.
-Now that you mention it--
-Richard!
What? I can't help myself!
-What do you want me to say?
-Yeah. All right.
Probably time for the clafoutis.
Ah! Ah!
-Le clafoutis.
-Bravo!
Oh, it looks fuckin' amazing!
Um...
Always looks amazing, man. Ah!
Wait a minute, we should get Jessica.
-Oh, yes, obviously.
-Where's she gone?
-I'll get her.
-There's always something with Jessica.
Well, it was me, too.
No. No! No, it wasn't!
It wasn't you.
Fine.
I'll make it up to her
when she comes back.
-Hurry up! Oh, God!
-Jessica!
Hurry up.
Get a knife! Get a knife to cut her down!
-Help me.
-Oh, my God!
Pull her up!
-I'm trying!
-Higher! Take the weight!
-Jesus Christ!
-Okay, yeah.
-You're fucking useless, get her higher!
-Yeah.
She's not breathing. Ah, I got a cramp.
-Sarah, bring a knife!
-Got a cramp.
-No, no, no.
-Oh, you are useless!
Quickly!
Cut her down, for fuck's sake.
-Just cut this!
-Just cut it! Cut it!
-Get her off.
-No, no, no.
-Sarah, the knife! Get the knife!
-Fucking hell.
Okay, just cut--
Oh, fuck no. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Is she...?
-Yes.
-Oh, Jesus! No!
THE TROUBLE WITH JESSICA
When I am laid
Am laid in earth
May my wrongs...
I knew something might happen.
But I didn't think
she'd actually fucking do it.
I mean, her book's doing really well.
Finally, everything
is coming together. And then this?
Why? Why would you come
to someone's house for dinner,
and then go into the garden, and--
How exactly is that supposed
to make any fucking sense?
-Can I get you a drink?
-No, I don't want a fucking drink!
I just want this not to happen.
It's my fault.
-What?
-No.
-No!
-I shouldn't have shouted at her.
-I overreacted.
-You can't blame yourself for this!
-That's crazy.
-It's nobody's fault.
Fuck.
-I guess, we better call someone.
-Who? Who do you call when someone...?
The police.
-The police?
-Yeah.
We better call someone.
I'll do it.
Oh, Jess!
Hell-- Hello?
-Wait.
-What?
-Put the phone down.
-Why?
-Oh, hi.
-Put the phone down.
What did you do that for?
-You can't call the police.
-It was an ambulance.
-You can't call them either.
-Why not?
Think about it.
I'm not following you.
-The buyer.
-What buyer?
Our buyer. The house.
What does this have to do with our buyer?
When he finds out what happened,
he won't buy the house, right?
-We don't know--
-Well, that's the point.
-He might not care.
-He might.
-He might not.
-But he might.
He might--
Fuck.
Fuck. What are we-- I mean, what--
I mean--
It's possible he wouldn't mind
that someone just hung himself
in his brand-new house.
He might think it's cool.
On the other hand,
he might be totally normal.
He could very easily be...
...normal.
If we don't sell the house this week,
we are going to lose... everything.
Right, but why--
why would the buyer find out?
By the time this comes out, it'll be done.
-Tom!
-What?
It'll be all over the internet
in the morning.
Best-selling author commits suicide
in friends' garden.
Tragedy of the north London elite.
She was a columnist for the Daily Mail.
Don't you fucking get it?
Fuck!
What are we supposed to do?
Keep her here until the buyer signs?
Do you have an idea how bad
a decomposing body smells?
And how are we supposed
to find not reporting it?
That's a crime. It has to be. A bad crime.
I know.
Well, we're not going to do that.
No. We're not going to do that.
What?
What if she hadn't done it here?
She did it here.
What if she hadn't?
She did it. How is this relevant?
What if she'd done it at her place?
-You can't be serious.
-Why not?
You're saying, we move the body?
-Yeah.
-To her place?
-And then what?
-Work it out.
-That's insane.
-It's doable.
Doable?
Driving to the West End in under two hours
on a Friday night is doable. This is not!
-Why not?
-Because it is wrong.
We're in this situation because of you.
You don't have the luxury
of a conscience right now.
You want us to lose everything?
You want to pull Ben
and Sophie out of school?
You went to a state school.
That was then.
If we don't sell, we can't afford
a place in a decent catchment area.
They'll end up somewhere
like Crossley fucking Park.
-They had three stabbings since Christmas!
-Park.
Yes.
We have to deal with the situation, Tom.
What about Beth and Richard?
We'll talk to them.
They won't go along with this.
They're our oldest friends.
THE TROUBLE WITH FRIENDS
I can't believe we're discussing this.
Look, you must surely realize
that you can't just move a body if--
if it's dead. That would be illegal.
And wrong!
Yes, that too! Wrong! Absolutely.
-I know. I mean, it sounds crazy.
-No, it is crazy!
-Look, guys. Come on.
-Let me ask you something.
-What would be the harm?
-What do you mean, harm?
We're talking about Jessica!
How can you even ask that?
Just tell me what harm would it do?
Um, Jessica just killed herself
in your garden.
That seems like quite a lot of harm to me.
I mean...
We should be thinking about her.
Can you fucking hear yourself right now?
Yeah, uhm, what I'm saying is,
there's another side to this.
There will be consequences for Tom and me.
-There are consequences for everything.
-And Ben, Sophie.
-Don't bring them into this!
-Why not?
This is going to affect them.
What about Jessica's parents?
Are we going to lie to them?
What difference is it to them
whether she did it here or at her place?
-How would you feel if you were them?
-If I didn't know it had happened?
-It's lying!
-It is lying.
We're asking you to lie, so that
our lives don't get totally fucked!
I can't believe
you're asking us to do this.
-She was our friend.
-More our friend, really.
Such a great friend,
she killed herself in our garden
right when we're selling the house.
Who does that? Kill themself
in someone else's garden?
Why couldn't she kill herself
in her own fucking garden?
She didn't have a garden.
Look, let's try to be reasonable.
I know this is a tough situation
for you guys, but you know,
sometimes life is like that.
You take the hit--
You know what? You try taking the hit.
-I wasn't trying to minimize the stakes.
-No, but you did anyway.
Listen, whatever you do next
is going to hurt someone.
Who the fuck is that?
-Who calls this time of night?
-Right, who does that?
Let's just not answer the door.
If we move the body,
and someone saw something, we're fucked.
Nobody is moving the body.
And it's not a body,
for fuck's sake, it's Jessica!
It's Jessica who just fucked us!
Okay.
Let's calm down, right?
Let's just see who it is.
Fuck.
-It's whatshername from next door.
-Who?
Whatshername?
Miranda!
-Oh, yeah, M-- Miranda.
-Do you think she saw something?
A bit of a coincidence,
her just turning up now.
Who does that?
Look, if she saw something,
you wouldn't want to move the body.
Stop calling her 'the body'!
He's right.
Let's just see what she wants.
THE TROUBLE WITH NEIGHBORS
Hello.
I'm sorry to bother you so late.
It's just that I think I saw
Jessica Devi in your garden.
-Jessica Devi?
-Yes.
She wrote this book.
-Have you read it?
-No.
Oh, it's wonderful!
It's so moving.
The part where she talks about
making friends with her depression. Oh.
Well, I was hoping...
Yes?
...she might sign my copy.
If she's not too busy.
Is she here?
-Yes.
-Oh, she is here?
-Wonderful!
-But...
-She's indisposed.
-Oh.
Well, could you just ask her?
It would only take a minute.
Could you just wait a moment?
She wants Jessica
to sign her fucking book.
What? Just tell her to fuck off.
-She won't fuck off.
-Just tell her.
It might look suspicious.
Tom, Sarah, this is getting ridiculous.
Just-- just a minute.
What are you--
That's her bag!
You can't just go rifling
through her bag and--
Wait.
-Hi.
-Hello.
I'm sorry to bother you so late.
-Jessica doesn't want to come out.
-She doesn't?
She's shy.
Oh.
-But she'll sign your book.
-She will?
Give it to me.
-She--she won't come out?
-Well, she hates signing books.
But I got her to make
an exception in your case.
-Oh.
-Unless you don't want it signed.
No! No, I do.
Mm.
Well, okay.
All right.
No, you can't do
what I think you're about to do.
Why not?
Jess--
-No! No, stop!
-Jessica...
Devi. That's good.
How does that look?
-Not bad.
-This is insane!
-Here you are.
-Oh, thank you.
Okay, then.
Would've been nice to meet her.
No, you wouldn't want to. She hates fans.
-Really?
-Yeah. You know these creative types.
-I see. Well, it's a wonderful book.
-So I hear.
-You should read it.
-Yes, I will.
-Goodnight then.
-Goodnight.
Have you any idea
how crazy what you just did is?
-We had to get rid of her.
-But that's evidence!
-If you go through with it.
-No one is going through with it.
You two have gone mad.
You're asking us to take an enormous risk!
You understand that, right?
Assuming we get caught.
If we're smart about it, we won't.
You-- you can't rule out getting caught!
All right, we can't.
But we are desperate. We need your help.
-I understand that. But--
-You're our oldest friends.
Yes. No, yeah, we-- hey.
We are your oldest friends.
And we will do
anything we can to help, except--
There's no helping us
if we don't sell the house.
-We will lose everything.
-No, you don't know that.
We helped you...
You said it, "You don't know
what you would've done if we hadn't."
You did, but I helped you after that.
When you needed documents countersigned.
For the Merrow Street project?
I had to be naughty on that one.
Yes, but this is different.
Fuckin' right, it's different! Look, we--
We want to help. You know we do.
-We do.
-But with this, we can't.
It's not reasonable.
So, that's it then.
Hey... I am sorry.
I remember Merrow Street.
You did take a risk for us then.
You said you'd get disbarred
if anyone found out.
-We all were younger then.
-We were.
It's funny how that became
a badge of our friendship.
It never would've come up
if Tom hadn't been useless at paperwork.
He is pretty bloody useless.
Of course, when I do
the taxes for Tom's company,
he hands everything over to me.
I have to sort it all out,
because he's so useless at paperwork.
Because he just hands
everything over to me, that's--
that's how I know
that I'll still have it all
in my files, that naughty thing you did.
Sarah, what are you t--
If that file would find its way
to the bar council,
then that might be a hit
you have to take.
Sarah, you can't be serious.
Richard is our friend!
Yes, we're all friends here, aren't we?
-You fucking bitch.
-Okay.
Wait! Just wait a minute!
Don't tell me to wait a minute!
Your wife just tried to blackmail us!
Sarah.
You didn't mean... what you just said.
-I mean, what kind of people are we?
-I don't know about you, Tom.
But I want to protect my family.
We can all stand here, talk about
what nice, reasonable people we are.
God, I'd love to call the police
so that you won't hate me.
Or have my husband wonder who he's--
been married to all these years, but...
...I know that if I did that...
Look...
Look...
Look! What do you think
happens when you lose everything?
Do you think someone
just will give Tom another job?
Another fucking mortgage?
Fuck.
It's going to be survival.
That's what happens when--
You know that's what--
That's what being poor is.
I've been there, unlike you.
-Don't sell me your sob story.
-You'd be sobbing if it was your story.
Call it protecting your children,
or whatever you like.
But in the end,
ultimately, it is just bullshit!
I didn't ask to be put in this position.
Jessica put us all in this position.
And I'm sorry she felt
she had to do what she did.
But what she did, she did to us, too.
I have to deal with this
in the best way that I know how.
Tom, so you-- you're happy with this, hmm?
I wouldn't exactly
describe myself as happy, no.
But if you're happy to stand by,
and watch us lose everything...
Oh, tell me it is not
that fucking woman again!
Good evening', madam.
Hello.
Is everything all right?
Mm-hmm. Yes... Is there any reason
why everything wouldn't be all right?
Someone dialed 999 from this house.
Oh, they did?
-They did. Yes.
-Oh!
-Did you call 999?
-Me?
Yes, madam.
No.
Did someone else call 999?
Uh.
I did.
Hm... I thought I saw some kids
breaking into the neighbor's car.
-Which car was that?
-The blue... one...
-Over there.
-Thought you saw or saw?
Oh, no, saw. Definitely saw.
-But you didn't complete the call.
-Well, they saw me.
I was-- I was looking at them,
and I was on the phone.
So, they ran away... just... that way.
They ran away?
I didn't want to waste your time,
so I put down the phone.
Never a waste of time calling us
if you witness a crime, sir.
That's what we're here for.
Of course.
-Sure everything's all right?
-Absolutely.
Everything is just great.
Maybe we should take a quick look inside
just to make sure.
Everything is all right, so...
-Maybe just a little look.
-You want to come in?
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Just right over here.
THE TROUBLE WITH THE LAW
-Having dinner?
-That's right, yeah.
Is that a clafoutis?
It is, yes.
You got five plates, I see.
-Yes.
-Is someone else here?
There was.
-She wasn't feeling well and--
-She left.
Well, it looks like
everything here's okay.
Uh, there is one thing...
What's that then?
...I'd like to say.
Thank you for taking the trouble.
No trouble at all, madam.
All right then,
sorry to have bothered you.
It's all right.
Hmm. That is a lovely-looking clafoutis.
Made one myself the other day.
You browned the top off
just about perfect.
Come on, Paul.
Sorry.
Sorry to have bothered you.
We have to check.
If anything else happens,
if you see any more kids up to no good?
-Feel free to give us a call.
-Okay.
Is there something
you might want to tell me, sir?
No.
Nothing I can think of.
-All right then. Good night.
-Good night.
Good night.
Oh, fuck.
They're gone.
This is... fuck!
We all just concealed
a dead body from the police.
I'm a member of the fucking bar,
for fuck's sake!
Calm down.
Don't tell me that! You realize
what happens if this comes out?
This isn't some paperwork
from the fucking past!
This will be the end of me!
The absolutely fucking end!
It won't be the end if we
keep our heads, and see this through.
Oh, great! Oh, fantastic.
So, we'll carry a dead body
across the street, put it in the car,
drive it to her flat,
get her up the stairs,
and all without being seen?
-What could go wrong?
-You're going along with this now?
We have to! We're fucked if we don't!
-We haven't done anything!
-We just did!
No! I-- no.
I-- I wanted to say something,
and you stopped me.
You dragged me across the room
by the hand.
You hurt my hand. It's still hurting!
I'm sorry about your fucking hand!
No, you're not!
You're not sorry about anything!
You only care about your precious career.
-Cavorting around the Old Bailey in a wig.
-What?
Letting rapists roam the streets
as long as we say how marvelous you are!
What the fuck has that
got to do with anything?
If you don't know that,
you're not as clever as you think you are.
I wasn't clever enough to anticipate
the toxic fucking sanctimony
you dish out every day.
No. No, I was not.
-That came as a surprise.
-Okay, guys?
For God's sake!
You try living with God's representative
of moral perfection on Earth.
-Isn't easy for us ordinary mortals.
-You're weak!
You're just weak!
You know you are! Go on, run away!
Weak!
An hour ago, we were just
fucking having dinner.
Now, I just feel like I've got
a fucking gun to my head.
Well, we're locked in now.
Would it be so terrible
to just-- just move the body?
What would be the harm, really?
Beth will come around.
She's a reasonable person.
Reasonable? Sorry,
did you not hear what she just said?
All I care about is my wig.
Do you think I like rapists?
I fucking hate rapists!
But what else am I supposed
to do? I'm good at rapists!
Some-- I love her,
but she's impossible sometimes.
We never have sex anymore.
That's marriage though, isn't it?
It just goes away.
The whole thing is ridiculous.
We're supposed to mate for life.
But we only
want do it for the first years.
Then all we want
is to do it with other people.
Who's fucking brilliant idea was that?
Jessica was different, though.
She-- she never changed.
I-- I never make men happy.
-What about Mr. X?
-Mr. X?
I wouldn't say
I made him happy. He made me happy.
-It's from the book.
-Do we know him?
She wouldn't tell me.
She never stopped living.
She didn't.
What if we just went off?
What?
Somewhere like Morocco or Brazil...
...together?
We should get back to them. We need to--
We need to decide
what we're going to do together.
Just uh, just leave them for a bit.
Sarah and Beth love each other.
They'll work it out, you know?
Oh!
-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
-It's okay. I'll clear it up.
-No, no, I'll clear it up!
-Can I help?
No, fuck off! I'm still angry with you!
Oh, I'm so--
I'm so sorry.
It's fine. Will you help?
Hello?
Oh, hello!
You what?
Uh, now? As in tonight?
No, it's just that, uh...
I-- the thing is--
This is the only night.
Okay.
Okay.
What?
It's the estate agent.
The buyer wants to come over.
-She wants to show her husband the house.
-Now?
They said, "Ten minutes."
What the fuck! That's ridiculous!
He spends most of his time abroad.
She picked out the house.
Now, suddenly, he wants to see it!
This is the only night that he can do it
until he flies out again.
He can't just turn up
in the middle of the night!
-That's unreasonable!
-He's rich.
Rich people are unreasonable.
-We can't say "no".
-What about, um...
-We'll have to move her.
-No way!
-We were going to, anyway.
-I am having no part in this.
Fine... Tom?
Richard!
Okay.
All right. Give me a hand.
-I'm sorry. I don't think I can.
-What?
I can't touch her.
Really?
-What do you mean?
-Shh!
I can't, okay?
Does that mean I'm not a real man?
Keep it down, for fuck's sake!
Oh... careful, careful.
Can you at least open the fucking door?
-Fuck.
-Shh!
-Upstairs.
-Ups-- where?
Somewhere!
-Fuck!
-That was not ten minutes.
Okay, in there.
-Open the door!
-Where-- R-- Richard, Richard!
Fuck!
Sit her on the toilet.
-She's slipping!
-Put her up.
There we are.
That's it. It's okay. It's fine.
-What if they want to look?
-They won't want to look.
It's just a toilet.
THE TROUBLE WITH RICH PEOPLE
Hi. Sorry.
Husband insists on taking a look.
Tricky type. But this will nail it.
-Okay.
-Five minutes. In and out.
-Hi. I'm so sorry about this.
-No, no, it's fine.
-I hope we're not disturbing you.
-Not at all.
It's just Klaus is in town.
He's always away.
And since he's here...
-Just wanted to see what I'm buying.
-Of course.
Come in.
-You remember my husband Tom?
-Yes.
-It's Ellen.
-Hi.
You're Helen. Helen, isn't it?
-Ellen.
-All right.
I'm so sorry, you're having dinner.
That is what people do
at dinnertime.
-We are pretty much finished.
-Yes.
Is that a clafoutis?
Yes. It's actually a specialty of mine.
How funny. I love clafoutis.
Okay. Um, help yourself.
Oh, I'm on a diet.
So, this is the kitchen.
Okay.
I love what you've done with this.
Is-- is that Friedrichsen?
Yes. That adds serious value to a kitchen.
-What do you think, honey?
-It's nice.
Yes? When?
Oh, I didn't see it.
Talk to Becker. Don't talk to Peterson.
I told you,
I don't want them to do anything
till the lawyers have seen it, okay?
-Sorry.
-Hmm.
Maybe if we take a look at the rest.
Yeah, sure. Uh, here. Follow me.
Oh, I just love these old fireplaces.
People used to rip them out. Now,
they pay thousands to put them back in.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
-Okay. It's a nice house.
-Thank you.
-When did you buy it?
-You did well then, didn't you?
-Yes, we got lucky.
Yes, you did.
Yes? No. Don't listen to Harper.
Don't send the draft to the DIT.
I don't want any of these busybodies
getting their hands on it
before the contracts are signed, okay?
Okay.
So, what line are you in?
I do consulting.
Consulting for what exactly?
For the energy industry.
Oh, you're a lobbyist for oil companies.
Gas companies, too.
-Nice way to make a living.
-It's a good living.
That depends on your definition of good.
You think you don't make compromises?
At least I'm well paid for it.
Good. I think we've seen everything?
Yeah.
We didn't look in there.
Oh, that's just the toilet.
-Darling.
-You're not going to show us?
-What?
-The toilet.
-You want to see it?
-You showed us your other toilets.
-Did we?
-Yes, you did.
Or is there something in there
you don't want us to see?
No.
Yes? What?
Hang on,
I can't understand you.
Yes, that's better. I can hear you now.
You know, I'm not sure
you've seen the garden at nighttime.
Yes, the light really
sets off the landscaping. Yeah.
So, here, this is all custom limestone.
Hold on, wait a minute.
It's a terrible connection.
We've got to move the body.
-What?
-Well, come, now!
-Yeah, no.
-Now!
Well, tonight to Dubai,
and tomorrow with the client
for lunch.
Maybe dinner, yes.
No. Yes, tonight. It's tonight.
Maybe Brunch?
Maybe Dinner?
Well, you know how it is. No.
I do stuff like that spontaneously.
He is in the know.
And don't tell Peterson.
-Okay, come on.
-I'd rather not tell him anything.
He's pretty much clueless,
let's put it like that. Yes.
No. Occasionally?
Occasionally, yes. Yeah, occasionally.
Just go. Go, go, go, go, go.
Quick, just there.
Put her legs down on the floor.
Get the fuck out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Fuck!
Did you have a-- a good phone call?
Okay.
We have three wonderful
primary schools in the area.
I can imagine.
Must have been terrific for the children.
Oh, yes.
Klaus and I are planning
to have children at some point, when he
spends more time in London.
-Aren't we, honey?
-Of course we are.
Well, I've seen all I needed to see.
-Great.
-Great.
-We're all set then.
-Yeah.
-Obviously, we'll be in touch.
-Yes. Thank you so much.
Goodnight!
What the fuck do you think
you were doing back there?
You work for evil oil companies.
You're one of Satan's minions.
Yeah, I hate people like that.
Fine! But is it strictly
necessary to fuck up our sale
just so you get to express yourself?
Oh, your sale, your sale!
All you think about is this!
Your Elephant's Breath countertops,
and your... Friedrichsen oven,
and your lamb from Hampstead Organics.
Oh, you go there, too.
Whatever.
The truth is
you don't give a shit about Jessica
who you drag around like an old mattress.
To be honest, I don't know why
you're taking her side over us.
-Someone has to.
-Do they?
What if it was her in our position?
Would she put us before herself? No!
She never thought of anyone but herself!
How much did she borrow from you?
-Did she pay you back?
-She was going to when the book came out.
When she had money,
she spent it on herself.
When she ran out, she came
to you again. You told me so yourself.
I don't care about money.
Fine. Forget about the money.
How many of your boyfriends
did she sleep with just because she could?
Only two. And I forgave her.
You're always bloody forgiving her.
Meantime, I had to console you, for weeks.
I never asked you to.
You had a breakdown!
What else was I supposed to do?
You always resented her.
Her-- her looks and her charm.
And you worshiped her.
-Which of us was more pathetic?
-Maybe I was pathetic.
-At least I'm trying to be a good person.
-Good person.
You know what a good person does?
They don't go on about it.
They don't use being a good person
to beat up everybody else!
They don't get off
on feeling morally superior.
-Not fair.
-Isn't it?
Your own husband can't take it anymore.
-Whoa! Wait a minute.
-What did you call it?
-Toxic sanctimony.
-No.
-That was in the heat of the moment.
-Yeah, but you meant it.
You know what?
-Fuck all three of you!
-Beth.
No, don't Beth me.
If you think me so sanctimonious,
that's what I'm going to be.
-What are you doing?
-Calling the police. Don't--
Fine!
Fuck.
No. That is my phone.
-What are you doing?
-Beth!
You... have lost it.
Uh, no, no, Beth.
Tom, I want to leave.
-Richard!
-Beth, please.
-Come on. Be reasonable.
-Reasonable?
I am the only person
trying to do the right thing.
-Let me pass. I want to go.
-Where the fuck have you been?
-Get off me!
-Beth.
-Let go!
-Why didn't you answer my calls?
-Don't touch me. Let me go!
-Richard, it's over.
-Come on.
-Can you let go please?
Let go of me! I'm going!
Beth, I'm Mr. X.
What?
I'm Mr. X.
Who?
From-- from Jessica's book.
-That Mr. X?
-Yeah.
-When?
-What?
-When did it start?
-A couple of years ago.
-When?
-It was on and off.
About two years ago.
-Till now?
-No!
-No! We stopped it.
-Did you love her?
-No. It was just--
-Sex?
It was a mistake.
You just told me this,
so I'd hate Jessica
and not go to the police.
I'd be disbarred!
What was I supposed to do?
You didn't care
if I'd hate you. Neither of you did.
-I do! I love you. I'm sorry.
-I want a divorce.
-Beth.
-Better hang onto your job.
Cause you'll pay a fuck load
of alimony, for the rest of your life.
Right.
Let's get this fucking thing done.
In the back or the boot?
-What?
-Where are we putting her?
We can't be seen
putting a body in the boot of a car.
What uh, if we wrapped her in a rug?
Make use of one from the spare room.
What, when we get there?
Four adults carrying a rug
up the stairs in the middle of the night.
What we need to do
is to make her look like she's drunk
and we're helping her home.
I've done that enough times.
Okay, what about her face? Look at that.
What if we just push her tongue in?
Just a minute.
Yeah.
-What about this?
-That's mine.
What are you, fifteen?
But I use it
for my high-intensity intervals.
Ha-ha. Right.
When he's wearing it,
you can barely see his face.
Open the door.
All right,
let's get you in here. Get you home.
-Hello again.
-Hello.
-You all going out?
-Yes.
-Is that Jessica in there?
-No, she went earlier.
-She did?
-Yes.
I don't believe you.
That's her in there, isn't it?
Why is she wearing a hoodie?
Well, I told you,
she doesn't like to meet fans.
I just want to tell her
I love her book. It's not much to ask.
Well, it's how she feels about it.
Well, it's rude. That's what it is.
You're rude!
You're a bad person!
And your book wasn't even that good.
Cunt!
THE TROUBLE WITH DRIVING A DEAD BODY
ACROSS LONDON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH-Oh, fuck. Do you see that guy?
-What guy?
I think he just looked
straight in the car.
Could you lift her head up?
No, that's worse.
Maybe...
Or can you get her
to lean up against one of you?
No, not me. She's your girlfriend.
Okay, let's leave her like that.
Fuck.
-Don't look.
-I am not looking.
Don't be too obvious
about not looking. They'll pick up on it.
Do you want me to look at them or not?
Look at me.
-Look at me like I'm talking to you.
-You are talking to me.
-They're still looking.
-Well, this is nice.
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
-They're going?
-Mm-hmm.
Oh God!
Just here on the right.
They're having a party!
Trendy fucking cunts.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus.
Pull in on the gate!
-Now what?
-We'll just have to wait.
-How long?
-As long as it takes.
Cuddle around with a cuddle bug
Huddled up around the spliff
Lookin' for another puff, uh
About the chewer
Lappin' me a runner up
Say it's wise
But I never stutter, bruh
-All right, tell me they're still at it.
-Yes.
How long has it been?
At least an hour.
I thought they'd call it a night.
Maybe they're having fun.
How much fun do they need,
for fuck's sake?
I don't know. Maybe they're
just having a normal evening.
There still is a thing out there
called "normal"
that people get to be if they're not us.
Becky, come on, babe.
Nobody move.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Sorry. No, you don't do that.
-Fuck.
-Richard.
Excuse me, could you do your fucking
on someone else's fucking car, please?
Go on! Fuck off!
Jesus!
Right. Can we just do this now?
This one on the right.
Fuck. Fuck.
Okay.
-Here, look, hold it. I got it.
-What the fuck? Tom.
It's not that one.
It's the-- it's the square one.
-How many times have you been here?
-I don't know. Five.
-Maybe ten.
-Fucking arsehole.
-Uh, coat.
-Oh hell. Sorry.
Come on, we're going to be late.
The sofa. Put her on it.
Over here. Like here, here.
Fucking hell!
We need to find a secure suspension point.
What about that?
Yeah, that will do it.
And what are we going to use?
To hang her!
Um, Sarah,
make sure you put in, um,
in the-- in the same groove.
You know what I mean.
-Yeah.
-Richard.
I don't...
-Are you okay?
-I don't-- I don't think I...
I think I can handle it. Yeah! Okay!
Uh... Got it?
-Almost!
-Just hurry!
Uh, okay. Okay.
Hey.
It's okay.
Why did she do it? Why now?
She seemed happy tonight.
She was a great liar.
She once told me she envied us.
She said we had a place
in this world and she didn't.
-I hear your book's doing really well.
Yeah, at least all that
coke and sex was good for something.
Uh, you've all got
"there goes Jessica" faces on.
Why didn't she talk to us?
We were supposed to be her friends.
She didn't want to talk.
She'd made her mind up.
Shall we drop you off?
I don't know. I need a drink.
THE TROUBLE WITH GUILWhat if we just went off?
Together?
What? Just leave?
Why not live?
Does anyone...
No?
What's this?
It's from Jessica.
What did she say?
"If you're reading this,
sorry about the trouble.
I'm always causing trouble.
I thought the book was
going to change everything.
In fact, it's made me realize
nothing changes.
As long as I remember,
I've been a ball bearing,
rolling around in a hot pan
trying to get out,
but I could never get out,
and now I have to.
It's funny, it doesn't go,
the fear of dying.
But the truth is
I'm more frightened of living.
Sorry to dump this on you
but I couldn't do it on my own and--
And you are, after all,
my oldest friends lol.
I know it's going to be
a kind of bitch to deal with,
but I'm sure you won't
let it spoil your evening.
I love you. Goodbye."
She came here to do it.
She planned it.
We're going to have to
live with this forever.
She's cursed us.
We've cursed ourselves.
We should probably go.
We're not going anywhere.
As far as I'm concerned,
you live somewhere else now.
-Where am I supposed to--
-I don't care!
Fine.
-I'll see you around.
-Yeah.
I'm calling the police.
What?
-I'm going to tell them.
-Tell them what?
What happened tonight, what we did.
Okay. Why?
Look, you're upset. Obviously, we all are.
You know, it-- it's been
an upsetting evening.
Sarah...
You can't call the police.
Why not?
Because it affects all of us.
Sarah.
Do you want to tell us what's going on?
Nothing is going on. I'm just
going to tell the police what we did.
This is nuts! You asked us to help you!
You shouldn't have agreed.
-You blackmailed us!
-Yes, I did.
Look, maybe this is a good time
to talk about Ben and Sophie.
-How does this help them?
-It doesn't.
Tom, no, this is nuts. Do something.
-What do you want me to do?
-Oh, fuck!
This isn't fair! Ugh!
I-- I've done fucking nothing to deserve
the shit that I've got this evening.
-Calm down!
-You calm down!
I was the only rational one
this entire evening! And this--
This is the thanks I get? You know what?
Fuck this! Fuck you! Fuck the lot of it!
-If you don't shut your mouth--
-Or, what?
How exactly are you going to
impose your will on this cluster f--
-What did you do that for?
-It just felt right.
-I wasn't ready for it.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm going to have to hit you now.
-What?
-It's only fair.
-No, that's ridiculous.
-Please stop.
-Stay.
Come on.
Oh?
-Hi.
-Sorry to bother you so late.
But I'd like to conclude our business now.
-Now?
-Why not now?
Let him in.
Okay. Uh, come in.
Hello.
Nosebleed.
Mm-hmm.
Ellen loves your house.
I'm heading to Dubai in two hours,
so I'd like to finalize our business now.
I had our lawyer
send over the final contracts.
Do you have a copy of yours?
Okay. Hold on.
Okay.
Move right over here.
Shall we?
Okay.
You-- you should know something.
Earlier this evening, our friend
killed herself in the garden.
We moved her body back to her place,
so you wouldn't not buy the house.
I knew something strange was going on.
That was bold.
Look at them.
They're terrified.
And now, you don't want me
to buy your house. Is that right?
Um.
-You want to go to jail.
-Mm-hmm.
Mm. That's interesting.
I wonder what I should do.
Your friend here,
she thinks I'm a bad person.
I work for evil oil companies.
No. I-- I didn't mean--
Yes, you did.
Let's see, what would an evil man do here?
Probably call the police. Mm-hmm.
Then waiting for you to run out of money,
reduce my offer... a lot.
I don't think you're such an evil guy.
I bet... sometimes you're even a nice guy.
Life is short.
Why not be nice?
Sometimes it's nice to be the nice guy.
Yeah. You're right.
Sometimes, as you say,
it's nice to be the nice guy.
Unfortunately, I'm not a nice guy.
But you know what?
I think my wife would prefer
not to know about all this.
So, let's go on.
I'm still calling the police.
-Seriously?
-He was being nice!
No. Sarah.
Sarah, just a moment, okay? Sarah.
I don't fucking believe it!
-Now you're having a crisis of conscience.
-Hello?
When I had a crisis of conscience?
-Everyone told me to fucking suck it up!
-Give me that!
Well, I'm not going to suck it up!
-Don't you dare call the police!
-Oh, no!
-Fuck off!
-No, no, no!
-Sarah!
-Let me go.
-Sarah, stop.
-Let me go!
What does it matter to all of you?
Don't you understand?
We can't take back what we did!
We can't be forgiven!
Fuck.
-Hello.
-You all right, sir?
-I'm fine.
-Are you sure, sir?
I think we better come in.
THE TROUBLE WITH CONFESSIONS
Duh-duh-duh-duh!
What's been going on here then?
Um, yeah, we've been, um...
-Playing a game.
-What sort of game?
-Twister.
-I'll tell you what's been going on.
No, I'll tell you.
-I'm Mr. X.
-What?
What do you mean
you're Mr. X? I'm-- I'm Mr. X.
Uh, no. I'm afraid it's me.
No. Nothing in the book
suggests that you're Mr. X.
Nothing in the book
suggests you're Mr. X either.
-Who is Mr. X?
-It's me.
What exactly makes you think
that you're Mr. X?
I mean...
Because Jessica told me.
So, you are Mr. X.
All those years flirting
with you in front of me,
because you were fucking her.
-I wasn't fucking her.
-You just said you were...
It was one night
after our last finals exam,
before we got together.
How can I believe anything you say?
You even lied about
reading that fucking book.
I didn't want you to get upset. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry? Do you ever
get tired of saying "I'm sorry"?
Yes, I do actually.
How about not fucking
everything up all the time?
Well, how about not holding
my mistakes over my head for eternity?
How about accepting me for who I am?
How can I when you've been
in love with someone else,
for the last 20 years?
I've been in love with you, you idiot.
I didn't choose her.
I chose you.
All right then.
Is that everything?
Yes.
Ordinarily, we'd need to make a report.
Or we could let the matter go
if I could have
a little try of that clafoutis.
Of course.
There you go.
Terry, you got to try some of this.
Mm.
Oh, fuck me. That is good.
-Well, we're probably done here.
-Yeah.
-We're all open-minded these days, sir.
-Right.
Maybe keep it nice and chill, eh?
I'll keep that in mind.
That was interesting.
Yeah.
Shall we conclude our business now?
I assume there are no more
dead people I need to know about.
No.
Are you okay?
How about you?
Oh, I'm just great. Yeah.
Preparing to spend a lifetime
paying off alimony
by defending fucking rapists. Yeah.
Aren't I?
-Aren't I?
-I hate you.
I thought you wanted a divorce.
Who wants a divorce?
What am I supposed to do with a divorce?
I want to punish you.
I understand.
No, you don't understand.
But you will.
Richard and I
are going home now.
-I should never have brought her over.
-It's okay.
If I hadn't,
we'd still be who we used to be.
THE TROUBLE WITH LIVING
You were always the one, Tom.
You're Mr. X.
Oh yeah?
Sarah-- I-- kids.
Almost had you, didn't I?
It would've been fun, wouldn't it?
You know, I'm starving.
Mm.
Hi!
Hey. Hey?
-I, uh, decided to come home.
-Something happened?
No, I just felt like being here tonight.
Oh.
I'm going to bed.
-Goodnight, sweetheart.
-Goodnight.
Mm.
Mm.
Jessica was right.
We are lucky.
We are so lucky.
THE TROUBLE WITH JESSICA
Uh-huh?
Okay.
That's great.
And they've accepted the price?
You think we can still
exchange on Thursday?
THE TROUBLE WITH JESSICA
That's great. Listen,
I just need to take another call.
Talk soon. Bye.
Hey.
What? You're bringing who?
Okay. No, it's--
It's fine. It is fine.
It is... Oh, shit.
No! Of course! Fine!
I am saying it's fine.
That's how you know it's fine.
Well, there's plenty of food,
so I'll see you soon.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, they're bringing Jessica.
Oh, God!
Why are they bringing Jessica?
-Why not bring Jessica?
-She always flirts with you.
She flirts with everyone.
Fine. Then we can all flirt
with Little Miss "Aren't I Fascinating"?
She just wrote this bestseller.
400 pages of confession porn, I know.
Now, she's coming over.
It's going to be, "Oh, hi, Jessica.
Sorry, I haven't read your book."
-It's not that big of a deal.
-I know.
It's just I wanted this evening
to be special.
It will be special.
This is going to be
our last dinner in this house.
It won't be that bad.
Yeah, you always think
it won't be that bad.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how many times I can say it.
Yeah, I know.
-Hi, baby darling.
-Hey!
-Hi, Sarah.
-Hi, Beth.
-You look gorgeous.
-Crashing your party.
-You don't mind, do you?
-Hi, mate!
Hey, hello!
-Smells promising.
-Hi, Tom.
Hey, Jessica.
I was hoping you'd make the clafoutis.
-Have you tried Tom's clafoutis?
-No, never.
All you should do is make clafoutis.
Seriously, you haven't lived
until you've tried his clafoutis.
-Okay, okay. I made the clafoutis.
-Yes!
-Yay!
-Oh, I can see the-- mm!
It'll be an occasion.
You don't forget Tom's clafoutis.
How are the kids?
-Ben has become a born-again Christian.
-What?
-He says he needs faith in his life.
-Ah!
Last night, he tried
to make us hold hands and pray.
Hopefully, he'll just get bored, and
become an anarchist, or something.
-Well, Poppy just came out.
-Really?
At least no worry
about her getting pregnant.
Thank you.
-I hear your book's doing well.
-Yeah.
I haven't read it yet.
-That's okay.
-I've read it. Brilliant.
-Well, what's it about?
-It's a memoir of my misspent life.
Reviews have been amazing.
-You should read it.
-Absolutely, I will read it.
I've never actually
been to your house before.
-You haven't?
-No, you never invited me.
-Oh, well.
-Why don't you show me around?
Sure.
Here. Let's start upstairs.
-Everyone is reading your book.
-Not your wife.
I hope you don't mind my bringing Jessica.
-She was tagging along before I knew it.
-It's fine.
No, it isn't fine. I can see it isn't.
-What's up there?
-That's my office.
-What's this then?
-Just a project I've been working on.
All those sharp edges.
-Are people supposed to live in it?
-Hopefully.
What? Oh.
Ah, that.
I've never forgotten that night.
Do you ever think about it?
I was just showing Jessica
the Napier Street project.
Hmm. The food's burning, maybe
get back to it before dinner is ruined.
Fine, yeah.
-Wait. How many women?
-Seven.
Jesus!
Doesn't it bother you
defending someone like that?
Someone's got to do it.
-But why has it to be you?
-Not this argument again.
If you dealt with as many domestic
violence victims as I, you wouldn't do it.
If I didn't, you wouldn't
enjoy the lifestyle you do.
Not on a domestic violence
counselor's salary.
But why do you have
to do so many rape cases?
Actually, I'd like to get
out of rape, back into murder.
The thing about rapists... is they're all...
arseholes.
-No kidding.
-Murderers aren't assholes?
Well, it's a type of arsehole.
Plus, I fucking hate
cross-examining rape victims!
See, it's impossible
not to look like a cunt!
I defy anyone to do this,
and not look like a cunt.
My husband, the cunt, everyone.
It's not easy being a cunt.
You have no idea.
I was raped once.
What?
When?
Oh, it was years ago.
Straight after college.
-Why did you never tell me?
-I didn't tell anyone.
I thought he'd get a clever lawyer
and I'd get humiliated in court and...
-And he'd get off anyway.
-Well.
Now I really do feel like a cunt.
Well, now you see what you really are.
Truth hurts, doesn't it?
What?
-You weren't raped, were you?
-I'm just fucking with you.
I can't believe you made a joke
about being raped.
You didn't seem to mind
when he was joking about it.
That was so funny. Yeah, I know.
Sarah, are you all right?
I'm sorry.
Napier Street's become
this obsession for Tom.
He thinks no one's ever
taken him seriously,
and this is going to change everything.
The main investor pulled out,
so Tom took out a loan without telling me.
-Oh, my God.
-And now, it's way over budget.
He's run out of money and-- Oh shit. So...
I didn't find out until I started doing
this year's tax return.
Of course, by then,
it was too fucking late.
Anyhow, it's fine.
Yeah, well, then everyone
settled down, and got boring.
-Oh.
-Except Jessica, of course.
-Oh, well.
-You never got boring.
-Crazy gets boring after a while.
-We were all crazy about you.
Do you remember
that last night after finals?
All you did was talk about buildings.
And I just wanted you to
take me home and fuck me.
For fuck's sake.
-You had us wrapped around your finger.
-But you married Beth.
-I did.
-Yeah, don't you forget it.
You wouldn't have made each other happy.
-Nah.
-I never make men happy.
-What about Mr. X?
-Mr. X?
I wouldn't say I made him happy.
He made me happy.
It's from the book.
A married man, apparently.
Do we know him?
-She won't tell me.
-Hope his wife doesn't find out.
Not from me.
I'm not going to burst that bubble.
Maybe it's not a bubble.
Maybe it is a marriage.
Kind of the same thing, isn't it?
Well...
How about the clafoutis?
-Yes.
-Seriously, you have to try his clafou--
For God's sake, can we stop
going on about the clafoutis?
Jess, love...
-He was just trying to--
-I know. I'm sorry.
Sometimes you get tired of bullshit.
What bullshit?
-Why don't we all--
-No, I'd like to know what bullshit.
-Hm.
-The roles we've all chosen.
Charming amoralist.
Po-faced do-gooder.
Pathological dreamer.
Grown-up. Fuck-up.
Maybe the bullshit tells us,
our lives are bullshit.
Who made you the arbiter
of what's bullshit, and what isn't?
-You asked me.
-I shouldn't have had to.
This is my house, my table,
and I don't need you telling me
that my life is bullshit.
Fine. I'm sorry I was rude
about your perfect house,
and your perfect life,
and your perfect clafoutis.
We should all be so fucking lucky as you.
Lucky? Oh, that's a good one.
We having to sell the house.
-What?
-Yeah.
Hm, believe it or not,
other people have problems. Real problems.
Not just who they're going to flirt with,
and... get high with, and fuck.
It's amazing you've led this
life of zero responsibility,
and get a bestseller out of it,
then you have to sit here
and be a total narcissist.
And just for one evening,
can you just not flirt
with my fucking husband?
Hey!
You're selling the house?
-Yeah, we have to.
-Well, what happened?
Well... We got into trouble.
Oh, shit! Can we help?
-No.
-No what? Of course, we can!
-It's too much.
-Nonsense!
You helped us. I don't know
what we'd done if you hadn't!
Do you happen to have a spare million?
-Shit.
-We'll manage. We have a buyer.
As long as we exchange contracts
this week, we'll be fine.
I'm sorry I went off on her.
She always manages to get to me,
and I don't know why.
I should never have brought her.
She kind of insisted. It was weird.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe it is all-- all bullshit.
I mean, you try to build a life, a home.
A future for your kids.
What the fuck is wrong with that?
And one day, something happens,
and you wonder if the effort,
all the fucking effort
that you put into your life...
You wonder if someone is just
playing a fucking joke on you!
You'll bounce back.
-Of course, you'll bounce back.
-Yes, we'll bounce back.
-As long as we sell the house.
-This?
You sell this house?
It's a great fuckin' house!
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right, darling. Don't worry.
Uh. You probably want dessert.
-Now that you mention it--
-Richard!
What? I can't help myself!
-What do you want me to say?
-Yeah. All right.
Probably time for the clafoutis.
Ah! Ah!
-Le clafoutis.
-Bravo!
Oh, it looks fuckin' amazing!
Um...
Always looks amazing, man. Ah!
Wait a minute, we should get Jessica.
-Oh, yes, obviously.
-Where's she gone?
-I'll get her.
-There's always something with Jessica.
Well, it was me, too.
No. No! No, it wasn't!
It wasn't you.
Fine.
I'll make it up to her
when she comes back.
-Hurry up! Oh, God!
-Jessica!
Hurry up.
Get a knife! Get a knife to cut her down!
-Help me.
-Oh, my God!
Pull her up!
-I'm trying!
-Higher! Take the weight!
-Jesus Christ!
-Okay, yeah.
-You're fucking useless, get her higher!
-Yeah.
She's not breathing. Ah, I got a cramp.
-Sarah, bring a knife!
-Got a cramp.
-No, no, no.
-Oh, you are useless!
Quickly!
Cut her down, for fuck's sake.
-Just cut this!
-Just cut it! Cut it!
-Get her off.
-No, no, no.
-Sarah, the knife! Get the knife!
-Fucking hell.
Okay, just cut--
Oh, fuck no. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Is she...?
-Yes.
-Oh, Jesus! No!
THE TROUBLE WITH JESSICA
When I am laid
Am laid in earth
May my wrongs...
I knew something might happen.
But I didn't think
she'd actually fucking do it.
I mean, her book's doing really well.
Finally, everything
is coming together. And then this?
Why? Why would you come
to someone's house for dinner,
and then go into the garden, and--
How exactly is that supposed
to make any fucking sense?
-Can I get you a drink?
-No, I don't want a fucking drink!
I just want this not to happen.
It's my fault.
-What?
-No.
-No!
-I shouldn't have shouted at her.
-I overreacted.
-You can't blame yourself for this!
-That's crazy.
-It's nobody's fault.
Fuck.
-I guess, we better call someone.
-Who? Who do you call when someone...?
The police.
-The police?
-Yeah.
We better call someone.
I'll do it.
Oh, Jess!
Hell-- Hello?
-Wait.
-What?
-Put the phone down.
-Why?
-Oh, hi.
-Put the phone down.
What did you do that for?
-You can't call the police.
-It was an ambulance.
-You can't call them either.
-Why not?
Think about it.
I'm not following you.
-The buyer.
-What buyer?
Our buyer. The house.
What does this have to do with our buyer?
When he finds out what happened,
he won't buy the house, right?
-We don't know--
-Well, that's the point.
-He might not care.
-He might.
-He might not.
-But he might.
He might--
Fuck.
Fuck. What are we-- I mean, what--
I mean--
It's possible he wouldn't mind
that someone just hung himself
in his brand-new house.
He might think it's cool.
On the other hand,
he might be totally normal.
He could very easily be...
...normal.
If we don't sell the house this week,
we are going to lose... everything.
Right, but why--
why would the buyer find out?
By the time this comes out, it'll be done.
-Tom!
-What?
It'll be all over the internet
in the morning.
Best-selling author commits suicide
in friends' garden.
Tragedy of the north London elite.
She was a columnist for the Daily Mail.
Don't you fucking get it?
Fuck!
What are we supposed to do?
Keep her here until the buyer signs?
Do you have an idea how bad
a decomposing body smells?
And how are we supposed
to find not reporting it?
That's a crime. It has to be. A bad crime.
I know.
Well, we're not going to do that.
No. We're not going to do that.
What?
What if she hadn't done it here?
She did it here.
What if she hadn't?
She did it. How is this relevant?
What if she'd done it at her place?
-You can't be serious.
-Why not?
You're saying, we move the body?
-Yeah.
-To her place?
-And then what?
-Work it out.
-That's insane.
-It's doable.
Doable?
Driving to the West End in under two hours
on a Friday night is doable. This is not!
-Why not?
-Because it is wrong.
We're in this situation because of you.
You don't have the luxury
of a conscience right now.
You want us to lose everything?
You want to pull Ben
and Sophie out of school?
You went to a state school.
That was then.
If we don't sell, we can't afford
a place in a decent catchment area.
They'll end up somewhere
like Crossley fucking Park.
-They had three stabbings since Christmas!
-Park.
Yes.
We have to deal with the situation, Tom.
What about Beth and Richard?
We'll talk to them.
They won't go along with this.
They're our oldest friends.
THE TROUBLE WITH FRIENDS
I can't believe we're discussing this.
Look, you must surely realize
that you can't just move a body if--
if it's dead. That would be illegal.
And wrong!
Yes, that too! Wrong! Absolutely.
-I know. I mean, it sounds crazy.
-No, it is crazy!
-Look, guys. Come on.
-Let me ask you something.
-What would be the harm?
-What do you mean, harm?
We're talking about Jessica!
How can you even ask that?
Just tell me what harm would it do?
Um, Jessica just killed herself
in your garden.
That seems like quite a lot of harm to me.
I mean...
We should be thinking about her.
Can you fucking hear yourself right now?
Yeah, uhm, what I'm saying is,
there's another side to this.
There will be consequences for Tom and me.
-There are consequences for everything.
-And Ben, Sophie.
-Don't bring them into this!
-Why not?
This is going to affect them.
What about Jessica's parents?
Are we going to lie to them?
What difference is it to them
whether she did it here or at her place?
-How would you feel if you were them?
-If I didn't know it had happened?
-It's lying!
-It is lying.
We're asking you to lie, so that
our lives don't get totally fucked!
I can't believe
you're asking us to do this.
-She was our friend.
-More our friend, really.
Such a great friend,
she killed herself in our garden
right when we're selling the house.
Who does that? Kill themself
in someone else's garden?
Why couldn't she kill herself
in her own fucking garden?
She didn't have a garden.
Look, let's try to be reasonable.
I know this is a tough situation
for you guys, but you know,
sometimes life is like that.
You take the hit--
You know what? You try taking the hit.
-I wasn't trying to minimize the stakes.
-No, but you did anyway.
Listen, whatever you do next
is going to hurt someone.
Who the fuck is that?
-Who calls this time of night?
-Right, who does that?
Let's just not answer the door.
If we move the body,
and someone saw something, we're fucked.
Nobody is moving the body.
And it's not a body,
for fuck's sake, it's Jessica!
It's Jessica who just fucked us!
Okay.
Let's calm down, right?
Let's just see who it is.
Fuck.
-It's whatshername from next door.
-Who?
Whatshername?
Miranda!
-Oh, yeah, M-- Miranda.
-Do you think she saw something?
A bit of a coincidence,
her just turning up now.
Who does that?
Look, if she saw something,
you wouldn't want to move the body.
Stop calling her 'the body'!
He's right.
Let's just see what she wants.
THE TROUBLE WITH NEIGHBORS
Hello.
I'm sorry to bother you so late.
It's just that I think I saw
Jessica Devi in your garden.
-Jessica Devi?
-Yes.
She wrote this book.
-Have you read it?
-No.
Oh, it's wonderful!
It's so moving.
The part where she talks about
making friends with her depression. Oh.
Well, I was hoping...
Yes?
...she might sign my copy.
If she's not too busy.
Is she here?
-Yes.
-Oh, she is here?
-Wonderful!
-But...
-She's indisposed.
-Oh.
Well, could you just ask her?
It would only take a minute.
Could you just wait a moment?
She wants Jessica
to sign her fucking book.
What? Just tell her to fuck off.
-She won't fuck off.
-Just tell her.
It might look suspicious.
Tom, Sarah, this is getting ridiculous.
Just-- just a minute.
What are you--
That's her bag!
You can't just go rifling
through her bag and--
Wait.
-Hi.
-Hello.
I'm sorry to bother you so late.
-Jessica doesn't want to come out.
-She doesn't?
She's shy.
Oh.
-But she'll sign your book.
-She will?
Give it to me.
-She--she won't come out?
-Well, she hates signing books.
But I got her to make
an exception in your case.
-Oh.
-Unless you don't want it signed.
No! No, I do.
Mm.
Well, okay.
All right.
No, you can't do
what I think you're about to do.
Why not?
Jess--
-No! No, stop!
-Jessica...
Devi. That's good.
How does that look?
-Not bad.
-This is insane!
-Here you are.
-Oh, thank you.
Okay, then.
Would've been nice to meet her.
No, you wouldn't want to. She hates fans.
-Really?
-Yeah. You know these creative types.
-I see. Well, it's a wonderful book.
-So I hear.
-You should read it.
-Yes, I will.
-Goodnight then.
-Goodnight.
Have you any idea
how crazy what you just did is?
-We had to get rid of her.
-But that's evidence!
-If you go through with it.
-No one is going through with it.
You two have gone mad.
You're asking us to take an enormous risk!
You understand that, right?
Assuming we get caught.
If we're smart about it, we won't.
You-- you can't rule out getting caught!
All right, we can't.
But we are desperate. We need your help.
-I understand that. But--
-You're our oldest friends.
Yes. No, yeah, we-- hey.
We are your oldest friends.
And we will do
anything we can to help, except--
There's no helping us
if we don't sell the house.
-We will lose everything.
-No, you don't know that.
We helped you...
You said it, "You don't know
what you would've done if we hadn't."
You did, but I helped you after that.
When you needed documents countersigned.
For the Merrow Street project?
I had to be naughty on that one.
Yes, but this is different.
Fuckin' right, it's different! Look, we--
We want to help. You know we do.
-We do.
-But with this, we can't.
It's not reasonable.
So, that's it then.
Hey... I am sorry.
I remember Merrow Street.
You did take a risk for us then.
You said you'd get disbarred
if anyone found out.
-We all were younger then.
-We were.
It's funny how that became
a badge of our friendship.
It never would've come up
if Tom hadn't been useless at paperwork.
He is pretty bloody useless.
Of course, when I do
the taxes for Tom's company,
he hands everything over to me.
I have to sort it all out,
because he's so useless at paperwork.
Because he just hands
everything over to me, that's--
that's how I know
that I'll still have it all
in my files, that naughty thing you did.
Sarah, what are you t--
If that file would find its way
to the bar council,
then that might be a hit
you have to take.
Sarah, you can't be serious.
Richard is our friend!
Yes, we're all friends here, aren't we?
-You fucking bitch.
-Okay.
Wait! Just wait a minute!
Don't tell me to wait a minute!
Your wife just tried to blackmail us!
Sarah.
You didn't mean... what you just said.
-I mean, what kind of people are we?
-I don't know about you, Tom.
But I want to protect my family.
We can all stand here, talk about
what nice, reasonable people we are.
God, I'd love to call the police
so that you won't hate me.
Or have my husband wonder who he's--
been married to all these years, but...
...I know that if I did that...
Look...
Look...
Look! What do you think
happens when you lose everything?
Do you think someone
just will give Tom another job?
Another fucking mortgage?
Fuck.
It's going to be survival.
That's what happens when--
You know that's what--
That's what being poor is.
I've been there, unlike you.
-Don't sell me your sob story.
-You'd be sobbing if it was your story.
Call it protecting your children,
or whatever you like.
But in the end,
ultimately, it is just bullshit!
I didn't ask to be put in this position.
Jessica put us all in this position.
And I'm sorry she felt
she had to do what she did.
But what she did, she did to us, too.
I have to deal with this
in the best way that I know how.
Tom, so you-- you're happy with this, hmm?
I wouldn't exactly
describe myself as happy, no.
But if you're happy to stand by,
and watch us lose everything...
Oh, tell me it is not
that fucking woman again!
Good evening', madam.
Hello.
Is everything all right?
Mm-hmm. Yes... Is there any reason
why everything wouldn't be all right?
Someone dialed 999 from this house.
Oh, they did?
-They did. Yes.
-Oh!
-Did you call 999?
-Me?
Yes, madam.
No.
Did someone else call 999?
Uh.
I did.
Hm... I thought I saw some kids
breaking into the neighbor's car.
-Which car was that?
-The blue... one...
-Over there.
-Thought you saw or saw?
Oh, no, saw. Definitely saw.
-But you didn't complete the call.
-Well, they saw me.
I was-- I was looking at them,
and I was on the phone.
So, they ran away... just... that way.
They ran away?
I didn't want to waste your time,
so I put down the phone.
Never a waste of time calling us
if you witness a crime, sir.
That's what we're here for.
Of course.
-Sure everything's all right?
-Absolutely.
Everything is just great.
Maybe we should take a quick look inside
just to make sure.
Everything is all right, so...
-Maybe just a little look.
-You want to come in?
-Thank you.
-Okay.
Just right over here.
THE TROUBLE WITH THE LAW
-Having dinner?
-That's right, yeah.
Is that a clafoutis?
It is, yes.
You got five plates, I see.
-Yes.
-Is someone else here?
There was.
-She wasn't feeling well and--
-She left.
Well, it looks like
everything here's okay.
Uh, there is one thing...
What's that then?
...I'd like to say.
Thank you for taking the trouble.
No trouble at all, madam.
All right then,
sorry to have bothered you.
It's all right.
Hmm. That is a lovely-looking clafoutis.
Made one myself the other day.
You browned the top off
just about perfect.
Come on, Paul.
Sorry.
Sorry to have bothered you.
We have to check.
If anything else happens,
if you see any more kids up to no good?
-Feel free to give us a call.
-Okay.
Is there something
you might want to tell me, sir?
No.
Nothing I can think of.
-All right then. Good night.
-Good night.
Good night.
Oh, fuck.
They're gone.
This is... fuck!
We all just concealed
a dead body from the police.
I'm a member of the fucking bar,
for fuck's sake!
Calm down.
Don't tell me that! You realize
what happens if this comes out?
This isn't some paperwork
from the fucking past!
This will be the end of me!
The absolutely fucking end!
It won't be the end if we
keep our heads, and see this through.
Oh, great! Oh, fantastic.
So, we'll carry a dead body
across the street, put it in the car,
drive it to her flat,
get her up the stairs,
and all without being seen?
-What could go wrong?
-You're going along with this now?
We have to! We're fucked if we don't!
-We haven't done anything!
-We just did!
No! I-- no.
I-- I wanted to say something,
and you stopped me.
You dragged me across the room
by the hand.
You hurt my hand. It's still hurting!
I'm sorry about your fucking hand!
No, you're not!
You're not sorry about anything!
You only care about your precious career.
-Cavorting around the Old Bailey in a wig.
-What?
Letting rapists roam the streets
as long as we say how marvelous you are!
What the fuck has that
got to do with anything?
If you don't know that,
you're not as clever as you think you are.
I wasn't clever enough to anticipate
the toxic fucking sanctimony
you dish out every day.
No. No, I was not.
-That came as a surprise.
-Okay, guys?
For God's sake!
You try living with God's representative
of moral perfection on Earth.
-Isn't easy for us ordinary mortals.
-You're weak!
You're just weak!
You know you are! Go on, run away!
Weak!
An hour ago, we were just
fucking having dinner.
Now, I just feel like I've got
a fucking gun to my head.
Well, we're locked in now.
Would it be so terrible
to just-- just move the body?
What would be the harm, really?
Beth will come around.
She's a reasonable person.
Reasonable? Sorry,
did you not hear what she just said?
All I care about is my wig.
Do you think I like rapists?
I fucking hate rapists!
But what else am I supposed
to do? I'm good at rapists!
Some-- I love her,
but she's impossible sometimes.
We never have sex anymore.
That's marriage though, isn't it?
It just goes away.
The whole thing is ridiculous.
We're supposed to mate for life.
But we only
want do it for the first years.
Then all we want
is to do it with other people.
Who's fucking brilliant idea was that?
Jessica was different, though.
She-- she never changed.
I-- I never make men happy.
-What about Mr. X?
-Mr. X?
I wouldn't say
I made him happy. He made me happy.
-It's from the book.
-Do we know him?
She wouldn't tell me.
She never stopped living.
She didn't.
What if we just went off?
What?
Somewhere like Morocco or Brazil...
...together?
We should get back to them. We need to--
We need to decide
what we're going to do together.
Just uh, just leave them for a bit.
Sarah and Beth love each other.
They'll work it out, you know?
Oh!
-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
-It's okay. I'll clear it up.
-No, no, I'll clear it up!
-Can I help?
No, fuck off! I'm still angry with you!
Oh, I'm so--
I'm so sorry.
It's fine. Will you help?
Hello?
Oh, hello!
You what?
Uh, now? As in tonight?
No, it's just that, uh...
I-- the thing is--
This is the only night.
Okay.
Okay.
What?
It's the estate agent.
The buyer wants to come over.
-She wants to show her husband the house.
-Now?
They said, "Ten minutes."
What the fuck! That's ridiculous!
He spends most of his time abroad.
She picked out the house.
Now, suddenly, he wants to see it!
This is the only night that he can do it
until he flies out again.
He can't just turn up
in the middle of the night!
-That's unreasonable!
-He's rich.
Rich people are unreasonable.
-We can't say "no".
-What about, um...
-We'll have to move her.
-No way!
-We were going to, anyway.
-I am having no part in this.
Fine... Tom?
Richard!
Okay.
All right. Give me a hand.
-I'm sorry. I don't think I can.
-What?
I can't touch her.
Really?
-What do you mean?
-Shh!
I can't, okay?
Does that mean I'm not a real man?
Keep it down, for fuck's sake!
Oh... careful, careful.
Can you at least open the fucking door?
-Fuck.
-Shh!
-Upstairs.
-Ups-- where?
Somewhere!
-Fuck!
-That was not ten minutes.
Okay, in there.
-Open the door!
-Where-- R-- Richard, Richard!
Fuck!
Sit her on the toilet.
-She's slipping!
-Put her up.
There we are.
That's it. It's okay. It's fine.
-What if they want to look?
-They won't want to look.
It's just a toilet.
THE TROUBLE WITH RICH PEOPLE
Hi. Sorry.
Husband insists on taking a look.
Tricky type. But this will nail it.
-Okay.
-Five minutes. In and out.
-Hi. I'm so sorry about this.
-No, no, it's fine.
-I hope we're not disturbing you.
-Not at all.
It's just Klaus is in town.
He's always away.
And since he's here...
-Just wanted to see what I'm buying.
-Of course.
Come in.
-You remember my husband Tom?
-Yes.
-It's Ellen.
-Hi.
You're Helen. Helen, isn't it?
-Ellen.
-All right.
I'm so sorry, you're having dinner.
That is what people do
at dinnertime.
-We are pretty much finished.
-Yes.
Is that a clafoutis?
Yes. It's actually a specialty of mine.
How funny. I love clafoutis.
Okay. Um, help yourself.
Oh, I'm on a diet.
So, this is the kitchen.
Okay.
I love what you've done with this.
Is-- is that Friedrichsen?
Yes. That adds serious value to a kitchen.
-What do you think, honey?
-It's nice.
Yes? When?
Oh, I didn't see it.
Talk to Becker. Don't talk to Peterson.
I told you,
I don't want them to do anything
till the lawyers have seen it, okay?
-Sorry.
-Hmm.
Maybe if we take a look at the rest.
Yeah, sure. Uh, here. Follow me.
Oh, I just love these old fireplaces.
People used to rip them out. Now,
they pay thousands to put them back in.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
-Okay. It's a nice house.
-Thank you.
-When did you buy it?
-You did well then, didn't you?
-Yes, we got lucky.
Yes, you did.
Yes? No. Don't listen to Harper.
Don't send the draft to the DIT.
I don't want any of these busybodies
getting their hands on it
before the contracts are signed, okay?
Okay.
So, what line are you in?
I do consulting.
Consulting for what exactly?
For the energy industry.
Oh, you're a lobbyist for oil companies.
Gas companies, too.
-Nice way to make a living.
-It's a good living.
That depends on your definition of good.
You think you don't make compromises?
At least I'm well paid for it.
Good. I think we've seen everything?
Yeah.
We didn't look in there.
Oh, that's just the toilet.
-Darling.
-You're not going to show us?
-What?
-The toilet.
-You want to see it?
-You showed us your other toilets.
-Did we?
-Yes, you did.
Or is there something in there
you don't want us to see?
No.
Yes? What?
Hang on,
I can't understand you.
Yes, that's better. I can hear you now.
You know, I'm not sure
you've seen the garden at nighttime.
Yes, the light really
sets off the landscaping. Yeah.
So, here, this is all custom limestone.
Hold on, wait a minute.
It's a terrible connection.
We've got to move the body.
-What?
-Well, come, now!
-Yeah, no.
-Now!
Well, tonight to Dubai,
and tomorrow with the client
for lunch.
Maybe dinner, yes.
No. Yes, tonight. It's tonight.
Maybe Brunch?
Maybe Dinner?
Well, you know how it is. No.
I do stuff like that spontaneously.
He is in the know.
And don't tell Peterson.
-Okay, come on.
-I'd rather not tell him anything.
He's pretty much clueless,
let's put it like that. Yes.
No. Occasionally?
Occasionally, yes. Yeah, occasionally.
Just go. Go, go, go, go, go.
Quick, just there.
Put her legs down on the floor.
Get the fuck out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Fuck!
Did you have a-- a good phone call?
Okay.
We have three wonderful
primary schools in the area.
I can imagine.
Must have been terrific for the children.
Oh, yes.
Klaus and I are planning
to have children at some point, when he
spends more time in London.
-Aren't we, honey?
-Of course we are.
Well, I've seen all I needed to see.
-Great.
-Great.
-We're all set then.
-Yeah.
-Obviously, we'll be in touch.
-Yes. Thank you so much.
Goodnight!
What the fuck do you think
you were doing back there?
You work for evil oil companies.
You're one of Satan's minions.
Yeah, I hate people like that.
Fine! But is it strictly
necessary to fuck up our sale
just so you get to express yourself?
Oh, your sale, your sale!
All you think about is this!
Your Elephant's Breath countertops,
and your... Friedrichsen oven,
and your lamb from Hampstead Organics.
Oh, you go there, too.
Whatever.
The truth is
you don't give a shit about Jessica
who you drag around like an old mattress.
To be honest, I don't know why
you're taking her side over us.
-Someone has to.
-Do they?
What if it was her in our position?
Would she put us before herself? No!
She never thought of anyone but herself!
How much did she borrow from you?
-Did she pay you back?
-She was going to when the book came out.
When she had money,
she spent it on herself.
When she ran out, she came
to you again. You told me so yourself.
I don't care about money.
Fine. Forget about the money.
How many of your boyfriends
did she sleep with just because she could?
Only two. And I forgave her.
You're always bloody forgiving her.
Meantime, I had to console you, for weeks.
I never asked you to.
You had a breakdown!
What else was I supposed to do?
You always resented her.
Her-- her looks and her charm.
And you worshiped her.
-Which of us was more pathetic?
-Maybe I was pathetic.
-At least I'm trying to be a good person.
-Good person.
You know what a good person does?
They don't go on about it.
They don't use being a good person
to beat up everybody else!
They don't get off
on feeling morally superior.
-Not fair.
-Isn't it?
Your own husband can't take it anymore.
-Whoa! Wait a minute.
-What did you call it?
-Toxic sanctimony.
-No.
-That was in the heat of the moment.
-Yeah, but you meant it.
You know what?
-Fuck all three of you!
-Beth.
No, don't Beth me.
If you think me so sanctimonious,
that's what I'm going to be.
-What are you doing?
-Calling the police. Don't--
Fine!
Fuck.
No. That is my phone.
-What are you doing?
-Beth!
You... have lost it.
Uh, no, no, Beth.
Tom, I want to leave.
-Richard!
-Beth, please.
-Come on. Be reasonable.
-Reasonable?
I am the only person
trying to do the right thing.
-Let me pass. I want to go.
-Where the fuck have you been?
-Get off me!
-Beth.
-Let go!
-Why didn't you answer my calls?
-Don't touch me. Let me go!
-Richard, it's over.
-Come on.
-Can you let go please?
Let go of me! I'm going!
Beth, I'm Mr. X.
What?
I'm Mr. X.
Who?
From-- from Jessica's book.
-That Mr. X?
-Yeah.
-When?
-What?
-When did it start?
-A couple of years ago.
-When?
-It was on and off.
About two years ago.
-Till now?
-No!
-No! We stopped it.
-Did you love her?
-No. It was just--
-Sex?
It was a mistake.
You just told me this,
so I'd hate Jessica
and not go to the police.
I'd be disbarred!
What was I supposed to do?
You didn't care
if I'd hate you. Neither of you did.
-I do! I love you. I'm sorry.
-I want a divorce.
-Beth.
-Better hang onto your job.
Cause you'll pay a fuck load
of alimony, for the rest of your life.
Right.
Let's get this fucking thing done.
In the back or the boot?
-What?
-Where are we putting her?
We can't be seen
putting a body in the boot of a car.
What uh, if we wrapped her in a rug?
Make use of one from the spare room.
What, when we get there?
Four adults carrying a rug
up the stairs in the middle of the night.
What we need to do
is to make her look like she's drunk
and we're helping her home.
I've done that enough times.
Okay, what about her face? Look at that.
What if we just push her tongue in?
Just a minute.
Yeah.
-What about this?
-That's mine.
What are you, fifteen?
But I use it
for my high-intensity intervals.
Ha-ha. Right.
When he's wearing it,
you can barely see his face.
Open the door.
All right,
let's get you in here. Get you home.
-Hello again.
-Hello.
-You all going out?
-Yes.
-Is that Jessica in there?
-No, she went earlier.
-She did?
-Yes.
I don't believe you.
That's her in there, isn't it?
Why is she wearing a hoodie?
Well, I told you,
she doesn't like to meet fans.
I just want to tell her
I love her book. It's not much to ask.
Well, it's how she feels about it.
Well, it's rude. That's what it is.
You're rude!
You're a bad person!
And your book wasn't even that good.
Cunt!
THE TROUBLE WITH DRIVING A DEAD BODY
ACROSS LONDON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH-Oh, fuck. Do you see that guy?
-What guy?
I think he just looked
straight in the car.
Could you lift her head up?
No, that's worse.
Maybe...
Or can you get her
to lean up against one of you?
No, not me. She's your girlfriend.
Okay, let's leave her like that.
Fuck.
-Don't look.
-I am not looking.
Don't be too obvious
about not looking. They'll pick up on it.
Do you want me to look at them or not?
Look at me.
-Look at me like I'm talking to you.
-You are talking to me.
-They're still looking.
-Well, this is nice.
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
-They're going?
-Mm-hmm.
Oh God!
Just here on the right.
They're having a party!
Trendy fucking cunts.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus.
Pull in on the gate!
-Now what?
-We'll just have to wait.
-How long?
-As long as it takes.
Cuddle around with a cuddle bug
Huddled up around the spliff
Lookin' for another puff, uh
About the chewer
Lappin' me a runner up
Say it's wise
But I never stutter, bruh
-All right, tell me they're still at it.
-Yes.
How long has it been?
At least an hour.
I thought they'd call it a night.
Maybe they're having fun.
How much fun do they need,
for fuck's sake?
I don't know. Maybe they're
just having a normal evening.
There still is a thing out there
called "normal"
that people get to be if they're not us.
Becky, come on, babe.
Nobody move.
Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Sorry. No, you don't do that.
-Fuck.
-Richard.
Excuse me, could you do your fucking
on someone else's fucking car, please?
Go on! Fuck off!
Jesus!
Right. Can we just do this now?
This one on the right.
Fuck. Fuck.
Okay.
-Here, look, hold it. I got it.
-What the fuck? Tom.
It's not that one.
It's the-- it's the square one.
-How many times have you been here?
-I don't know. Five.
-Maybe ten.
-Fucking arsehole.
-Uh, coat.
-Oh hell. Sorry.
Come on, we're going to be late.
The sofa. Put her on it.
Over here. Like here, here.
Fucking hell!
We need to find a secure suspension point.
What about that?
Yeah, that will do it.
And what are we going to use?
To hang her!
Um, Sarah,
make sure you put in, um,
in the-- in the same groove.
You know what I mean.
-Yeah.
-Richard.
I don't...
-Are you okay?
-I don't-- I don't think I...
I think I can handle it. Yeah! Okay!
Uh... Got it?
-Almost!
-Just hurry!
Uh, okay. Okay.
Hey.
It's okay.
Why did she do it? Why now?
She seemed happy tonight.
She was a great liar.
She once told me she envied us.
She said we had a place
in this world and she didn't.
-I hear your book's doing really well.
Yeah, at least all that
coke and sex was good for something.
Uh, you've all got
"there goes Jessica" faces on.
Why didn't she talk to us?
We were supposed to be her friends.
She didn't want to talk.
She'd made her mind up.
Shall we drop you off?
I don't know. I need a drink.
THE TROUBLE WITH GUILWhat if we just went off?
Together?
What? Just leave?
Why not live?
Does anyone...
No?
What's this?
It's from Jessica.
What did she say?
"If you're reading this,
sorry about the trouble.
I'm always causing trouble.
I thought the book was
going to change everything.
In fact, it's made me realize
nothing changes.
As long as I remember,
I've been a ball bearing,
rolling around in a hot pan
trying to get out,
but I could never get out,
and now I have to.
It's funny, it doesn't go,
the fear of dying.
But the truth is
I'm more frightened of living.
Sorry to dump this on you
but I couldn't do it on my own and--
And you are, after all,
my oldest friends lol.
I know it's going to be
a kind of bitch to deal with,
but I'm sure you won't
let it spoil your evening.
I love you. Goodbye."
She came here to do it.
She planned it.
We're going to have to
live with this forever.
She's cursed us.
We've cursed ourselves.
We should probably go.
We're not going anywhere.
As far as I'm concerned,
you live somewhere else now.
-Where am I supposed to--
-I don't care!
Fine.
-I'll see you around.
-Yeah.
I'm calling the police.
What?
-I'm going to tell them.
-Tell them what?
What happened tonight, what we did.
Okay. Why?
Look, you're upset. Obviously, we all are.
You know, it-- it's been
an upsetting evening.
Sarah...
You can't call the police.
Why not?
Because it affects all of us.
Sarah.
Do you want to tell us what's going on?
Nothing is going on. I'm just
going to tell the police what we did.
This is nuts! You asked us to help you!
You shouldn't have agreed.
-You blackmailed us!
-Yes, I did.
Look, maybe this is a good time
to talk about Ben and Sophie.
-How does this help them?
-It doesn't.
Tom, no, this is nuts. Do something.
-What do you want me to do?
-Oh, fuck!
This isn't fair! Ugh!
I-- I've done fucking nothing to deserve
the shit that I've got this evening.
-Calm down!
-You calm down!
I was the only rational one
this entire evening! And this--
This is the thanks I get? You know what?
Fuck this! Fuck you! Fuck the lot of it!
-If you don't shut your mouth--
-Or, what?
How exactly are you going to
impose your will on this cluster f--
-What did you do that for?
-It just felt right.
-I wasn't ready for it.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm going to have to hit you now.
-What?
-It's only fair.
-No, that's ridiculous.
-Please stop.
-Stay.
Come on.
Oh?
-Hi.
-Sorry to bother you so late.
But I'd like to conclude our business now.
-Now?
-Why not now?
Let him in.
Okay. Uh, come in.
Hello.
Nosebleed.
Mm-hmm.
Ellen loves your house.
I'm heading to Dubai in two hours,
so I'd like to finalize our business now.
I had our lawyer
send over the final contracts.
Do you have a copy of yours?
Okay. Hold on.
Okay.
Move right over here.
Shall we?
Okay.
You-- you should know something.
Earlier this evening, our friend
killed herself in the garden.
We moved her body back to her place,
so you wouldn't not buy the house.
I knew something strange was going on.
That was bold.
Look at them.
They're terrified.
And now, you don't want me
to buy your house. Is that right?
Um.
-You want to go to jail.
-Mm-hmm.
Mm. That's interesting.
I wonder what I should do.
Your friend here,
she thinks I'm a bad person.
I work for evil oil companies.
No. I-- I didn't mean--
Yes, you did.
Let's see, what would an evil man do here?
Probably call the police. Mm-hmm.
Then waiting for you to run out of money,
reduce my offer... a lot.
I don't think you're such an evil guy.
I bet... sometimes you're even a nice guy.
Life is short.
Why not be nice?
Sometimes it's nice to be the nice guy.
Yeah. You're right.
Sometimes, as you say,
it's nice to be the nice guy.
Unfortunately, I'm not a nice guy.
But you know what?
I think my wife would prefer
not to know about all this.
So, let's go on.
I'm still calling the police.
-Seriously?
-He was being nice!
No. Sarah.
Sarah, just a moment, okay? Sarah.
I don't fucking believe it!
-Now you're having a crisis of conscience.
-Hello?
When I had a crisis of conscience?
-Everyone told me to fucking suck it up!
-Give me that!
Well, I'm not going to suck it up!
-Don't you dare call the police!
-Oh, no!
-Fuck off!
-No, no, no!
-Sarah!
-Let me go.
-Sarah, stop.
-Let me go!
What does it matter to all of you?
Don't you understand?
We can't take back what we did!
We can't be forgiven!
Fuck.
-Hello.
-You all right, sir?
-I'm fine.
-Are you sure, sir?
I think we better come in.
THE TROUBLE WITH CONFESSIONS
Duh-duh-duh-duh!
What's been going on here then?
Um, yeah, we've been, um...
-Playing a game.
-What sort of game?
-Twister.
-I'll tell you what's been going on.
No, I'll tell you.
-I'm Mr. X.
-What?
What do you mean
you're Mr. X? I'm-- I'm Mr. X.
Uh, no. I'm afraid it's me.
No. Nothing in the book
suggests that you're Mr. X.
Nothing in the book
suggests you're Mr. X either.
-Who is Mr. X?
-It's me.
What exactly makes you think
that you're Mr. X?
I mean...
Because Jessica told me.
So, you are Mr. X.
All those years flirting
with you in front of me,
because you were fucking her.
-I wasn't fucking her.
-You just said you were...
It was one night
after our last finals exam,
before we got together.
How can I believe anything you say?
You even lied about
reading that fucking book.
I didn't want you to get upset. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry? Do you ever
get tired of saying "I'm sorry"?
Yes, I do actually.
How about not fucking
everything up all the time?
Well, how about not holding
my mistakes over my head for eternity?
How about accepting me for who I am?
How can I when you've been
in love with someone else,
for the last 20 years?
I've been in love with you, you idiot.
I didn't choose her.
I chose you.
All right then.
Is that everything?
Yes.
Ordinarily, we'd need to make a report.
Or we could let the matter go
if I could have
a little try of that clafoutis.
Of course.
There you go.
Terry, you got to try some of this.
Mm.
Oh, fuck me. That is good.
-Well, we're probably done here.
-Yeah.
-We're all open-minded these days, sir.
-Right.
Maybe keep it nice and chill, eh?
I'll keep that in mind.
That was interesting.
Yeah.
Shall we conclude our business now?
I assume there are no more
dead people I need to know about.
No.
Are you okay?
How about you?
Oh, I'm just great. Yeah.
Preparing to spend a lifetime
paying off alimony
by defending fucking rapists. Yeah.
Aren't I?
-Aren't I?
-I hate you.
I thought you wanted a divorce.
Who wants a divorce?
What am I supposed to do with a divorce?
I want to punish you.
I understand.
No, you don't understand.
But you will.
Richard and I
are going home now.
-I should never have brought her over.
-It's okay.
If I hadn't,
we'd still be who we used to be.
THE TROUBLE WITH LIVING
You were always the one, Tom.
You're Mr. X.
Oh yeah?
Sarah-- I-- kids.
Almost had you, didn't I?
It would've been fun, wouldn't it?
You know, I'm starving.
Mm.
Hi!
Hey. Hey?
-I, uh, decided to come home.
-Something happened?
No, I just felt like being here tonight.
Oh.
I'm going to bed.
-Goodnight, sweetheart.
-Goodnight.
Mm.
Mm.
Jessica was right.
We are lucky.
We are so lucky.
THE TROUBLE WITH JESSICA