The Underdoggs (2024) Movie Script

1
(AIRHORN BLOWING)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- (CROWD CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: After using
their last time-out,
Poly High returns to the field.
Down by three, with
three seconds remaining.
This is the last play
of the season, folks.
NARRATOR: America
loves an underdog.
QUARTERBACK: Stat
reaper come to.
Watch five-seven,
watch five-seven.
- Down.
- NARRATOR: The slept on.
QUARTERBACK: Open, open!
NARRATOR: The little guy.
- PLAYER: Block, block, block!
- Get 'em.
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
NARRATOR: The ones no one
believes can achieve greatness.
(TENSE PERCUSSION
MUSIC PLAYING)
But you know what
they love more?
Motherfuckers who
was born great.
- Yes!
- (ALL CHEERING)
NARRATOR:
Motherfuckers like me.
Jaycen 'Two-J's' Jennings.
The birth of a
superstar. Shit.
I'm the pick that got picked
before all the other picks.
ANNOUNCER: This
rookie is special.
JAYCEN: Breaking
records and laying waste
to all the little
bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
who walked on the field.
COMMENTATOR: Smoked
again by Jaycen Jennings.
DEION: When he throw
that hand out, it's over.
No one in the game
- could play with him.
- (SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)
- JAYCEN: Man, everybody love me.
- COMMENTATOR: Touchdown!
JAYCEN: I was more
popular than God.
COMMENTATOR: Two-J's!
JAYCEN: And worshipped
in every living room
and every kitchen in America.
Yeah. But check this shit out.
Once you get to
that mountaintop,
everybody wants to
see you fuckin' fall.
The notion that
people are idolizing
Jaycen 'Two-J's'
Jennings, it's ridiculous.
COMMENTATOR 1: Jennings...
And he dropped it!
COMMENTATOR 2: Has
to make that play.
And he went out there
and he didn't deliver,
and he hadn't delivered
the whole game.
CHIP: What's he call that
stupid dance? The Two-J's?
Why don't you spend more time
on the grass than smoking it.
You're young, you're successful,
you're making a lot of money.
How could you screw this up?
He's chasing rings harder
than a housewife in Atlanta.
And you know what I say
about those housewives,
at least they stayed in one
city their whole career.
Where's the loyalty?
JAYCEN: But all that
irrational-ass hate
teaches you a very
valuable lesson.
Never, ever, ever
count on anyone but yourself.
Fuck your teammates,
fuck your coaches,
fuck your fans.
Hey, Two-J's! You blow!
- (SLAP ECHOES)
- Man, fuck everybody.
(INHALES)
'Cause at the end of the day,
they're just some
mediocre motherfuckas
tryna hold back the true
greats from reaching
ultimate mothafuckin' greatness.
That's it for this week.
I'm Jaycen Jennings.
Y'all make sure y'all hit
that subscribe button
so quick, so fast.
(TABLET CHIMES)
(DEJA VU (I'VE BEEN HERE
BEFORE BY TEENA MARIE PLAYS)
I'm young and I'm old
- (JAYCEN COUGHING)
- I'm rich and I'm poor
I feel like I've been on
this earth many times before
CHIP: (ON TABLET) I
call it how it is.
The guy was not that good
of a football player.
He didn't care about the game.
He doesn't care about
the purity of the sport.
Listen, this is simple.
My top five receivers
of all time?
- Very simple.
- Man, fuck.
CHIP: Jerry Rice, Larry
Fitz, T.O., Raymond Berry,
and obviously, Randy Moss.
I can't believe
anyone could think
that Two-J's is a top-five
wide receiver of all time.
I know pornstars that have
received more than him.
- (COUGHS)
- I wanna see
- actual skills, okay?
- The fuck?
I wanna see someone
who's in the end zone...
Sick of this motherfucker
Chip Collins.
Hashtag, I'm fuckin'
you up when I see you.
Hold on. Emoji.
Eggplant emoji.
Lick.
Bitch-ass motherfucker.
Eat a fat baby's dick.
Hashtag, you don't
want that smoke.
(LINE RINGING)
MAN: SSF, Ryan
Kaushik's office.
- Yo, it's Jaycen.
- Jason Sudeikis?
Mothafucker, it's
Jaycen Jennings!
Oh, Jaycen. I didn't know
he still represented you.
The fuck?
He's on a call right now. Let
me have him call you back.
Man, make it quick. I'm busy.
I'm sorry, he's in
a breakfast meeting.
Fuck! When is he
gonna pick up?
- (LINE DISCONNECTS)
- He's in the bathroom.
- Man, have him call me back.
- (LINE DISCONNECTS)
He's talking to his grandma.
You know what, fuck this shit!
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
(ENGINE ROARING)
(SMACK A BITCH BY
RICO NASTY PLAYING)
Ask for your salary in
Dogecoin. I'm telling you...
- What's up, Kaufmoney?
- Oh.
Two-J's! My guy.
Uh... You look...
Pissed?
Like somebody's agent
that don't know how to
return fucking phone calls.
You were just about
to be my next call.
That's bullshit.
You're here now, so...
Mothafucker, we had a plan.
I create a dope-ass podcast,
you get my dope ass
a commentary job,
then I get back
in the spotlight again.
Do you remember that?
Yeah, of course, I remember
the motherfuckin' plan.
But the problem with
the plan is that people
say, for no good reason,
that you're a selfish prick
who's impossible to work with.
- That's fucking bullshit!
- Well...
Chip Collins.
Don't they hate his ass?
So, actually, yes.
Chip Collins has a hate-love
ratio of 50-50. Okay?
Yours is 95-5.
Look, if I were you, I
would do some charity work.
Get some positive PR for
your brand, maybe, uh...
Why don't you start a
school for poor kids
like LeBron, huh?
Fuck LeBron James,
and fuck poor kids.
You just need to do
your mothafuckin' job
and get me back in the game.
Man, if I were you, I would
reconsider the Dancing
with the Stars offer,
- that's a really good deal...
- Man, fuck you,
you Harold and Kumar
lookin' motherfucker!
- I'm through with this shit. Fuck this!
- I'll be right back, sir, I just have to help
- this gentleman.
- Look here,
you red vest-wearing,
Aladdin-looking mothafucker!
You know who the fuck I
am? I'm Jaycen Jennings.
Well known, highly respected,
top-five receiver of all time.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, go get my
mothafuckin' car, then.
Hey, hey, Two-J's, why
don't you just relax, man.
The guy's just
trying to do his job.
I don't wanna hear that shit.
Why don't you stay in
your motherfuckin' lane
until you win one of
these, Tony Gonzalez?
Give me my motherfuckin' keys.
Move, nigga.
Acting like you don't
know who the fuck I am.
- Don't worry about him.
- JAYCEN: Fuck you, Gonzalez!
- I'm self-made.
- (ENGINE ROARS)
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
- (CAR ALARM WAILING)
- JAYCEN: Fuck!
- Two-J's just got smoked!
- (WOMAN EXCLAIMING)
JAYCEN: Fuck you,
Gonzalez! I'm self-made.
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
- (BONK)
- (HORSE WHINNIES)
(EAGLE SCREAMS)
- (T-REX ROARS)
- Fuck!
Well, look who's
back in the news.
My dear friend, Jaycen Jennings.
If we're talking
about promising stars
that have absolutely
pissed away their careers,
Two-J's, you're
giving R. Kelly
a run for his money.
I mean, what is...
Mr. Jennings!
MAN: You see this fool?
Put your phone away so that
we can begin sentencing.
Oh, for sure, my bad.
Mr. Jennings, you've plead
guilty to charges of speeding,
reckless endangerment and
damage to city property.
These charges warrant that
you could spend five
years in prison.
MAN 2: There it is.
But I've decided
that I'm gonna go a
different direction.
Thank you, Judge,
for the celebrity
treatment. I appreciate it.
- (CHUCKLES DRYLY)
- WOMAN: This motherfucker.
I'm recommending that
you spend 300 hours
of community service
with the Long Beach
Parks and Recreations
Department.
- The fuck?
- (WOMAN GASPS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute, Judge.
I thought I was getting like
some Martha Stewart
kinda treatment.
Community service in Long Beach,
that ain't gonna work for me.
You too good for the
community that raised you?
Or maybe you just
don't wanna go back,
after 20 years of
not being home,
in a orange vest and
a pooper-scooper.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, shit.
Janine? Is that you?
Freshman year, white
American history class?
Where we used to play
hide and go get it.
Come on, girl, you
can't cut me no break?
(SCOFFS) My name is not Janine.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh!
It's Tara.
We grew up on the same block.
(WHISPERS) Fuck.
Your narcissistic ass.
Just get the hell
out of my courtroom,
so I can call everybody
we grew up with
and tell them that they can
catch your Hollywood ass
right up in the park,
scooping up dog shit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Next!
- You're moving too slow.
- (JAYCEN GROANS)
(UPBEAT HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
Back in the hood,
picking up dog shit.
(SCOFFS) Wow.
Wow.
- MASKED MAN: Keys!
- Mothafucka!
Cuz, the car don't
come with keys.
Shut the fuck up
before I bust your head
to the white meat, nigga.
I start the car with my phone.
Give me the motherfucking keys!
Look, you can have
the phone and my car,
just let me clear the
videos real quick.
Niggas see this sex tape
with Two-J's and Lisa
Lampanelli, I'm finished.
Nigga, don't play with...
(GASPING)
(GRUNTS)
Jaycen?
Kareem?
Nigga! (SOBS WITH JOY)
(JAYCEN EXCLAIMS)
Mothafucka, you just put
a gun to my head, nigga.
Relax, J, the safety was on.
- It's on safe... No.
- (GUN CLICKS)
It ain't on safety. Damn.
Imagine that.
Ahh! Nigga. I've been trying
to get in touch
with you for years.
- Huh?
- Literally.
For a million years.
Yeah. And everybody
talk about,
oh, what's that girl name,
punkin' and them sister
talking about, "Oh, just
get out of his face.
"Leave him alone.
"Cuz, you hittin' him too much.
"You a stalker.
"You sweatin' him,
back up off him."
I told her, "Girl,
J is my nigga!
"He would never do
no shit like that."
I know you've been
thinking about me,
and I know you've been trying
to get in touch with me.
Is that pretty much right?
Yeah, that's how
I feel about you,
that's exactly how I
feel about you, cuz.
Yeah, I knew it. I
knew that was right.
I'm one of your real homies,
I'm one of the day ones,
- before everybody.
- Fuck.
I'm first, third
grade, fourth grade,
food stamps, juvie,
all that. Man!
Here, let me put my
phone number in there.
I'mma put my
grandmother's number,
where I wash clothes
at on the weekend.
Man, God work in
mysterious ways, boy,
I'm telling you, man.
I've been thinkin' about you,
thinkin' about you,
thinkin' about you.
I'm so glad you back
here in the LBC.
But not on no
pooper-scooper shit.
(LAUGHS)
Nigga, Tara told you too?
Yeah. The whole hood know
you's pickin' up shit now.
- (LAUGHING)
- Fuck that bitch Tara.
Me and my nigga done
rejoined again, man.
Aight, look, I gotta go.
I gotta bounce, cuz,
I'm on a mission.
I'mma call you.
Love you, cuz.
Fuck is this nigga finna do?
KAREEM: Keys, bitch!
(SIGHS)
You gonna take all day?
(KIDS CHATTERING)
JAYCEN: (WHISPERS) Oh,
shit. BOY 1: That's crazy.
Got to be some
fucking human shit.
Ain't no fuckin' dog gonna
be shitting this fuckin' big.
BOY 2: 'Cause like, he
like, nowhere, dude.
- (JAYCEN GRUNTS)
- BOY 3: Hey, bring that.
(BOY 4 HUMMING GAMES
OF THRONES THEME)
(ROARS)
(RESUMES HUMMING)
BOY 5: Just listen
to what he says, man.
(CHUCKLES) Take that,
Game of Thrones.
(BOYS EXCLAIMING)
Y'all really think y'all funny
messing with Gary's nerdy ass.
- BOY 6: Damn!
- You tryna get some, bitch?
Come get these hands
- and find out, bro.
- Let's go!
TONY: Let's go! Let's
go! BOYS: Fight! Fight!
JAYCEN: Hey, hey, hey!
Damn, man. You just stepped
on my mothafuckin' shoe!
(BOYS LAUGH)
Fuck is y'all laughin' at?
Ol' dusty ass, Payless
shoe-wearin' mothafuckas,
y'all know what these
go for on StockX?
Come on now, dawg. Those
are obviously fake.
Obviously, these cost more
than everything in
your fuckin' house.
You tryna tell me a janitor
just walks around with
the freshest Fendis?
Bitch, yo mama's a janitor.
- Bitch, yo mama's homeless.
- (LAUGHING)
- What did you say?
- That nigga a crackhead.
You lucky I'm on probation,
or I'll slap the shit outta you.
Man, shut yo crackhead ass
up and keep sweeping shit.
Man, fuck this shit!
(BOYS CHATTERING)
- Damn!
- JAYCEN: Hey, miss!
Hey, you in charge of these
little dusty mothafuckas?
WOMAN: One second.
I'm sorry, are you suggesting
that this is their fault?
Lady, you're being
real rude right now.
And I said, one second!
BOTH: Oh, shit!
Mm! God damn, baby,
don't that feel familiar?
Jaycen, uh, can you
let go of me, please?
What the f...
God damn, Rise, you look
good as a mothafucka
in them scrubs.
Hold on, Mama, you
know this basehead?
Mama? This little
piece of shit mine?
You better watch your mouth.
When the last time me and
you was together, what,
'03, '04, Provo?
You do the math.
- (SCOFFS)
- Nah, he ain't mine.
We're leaving, let's go.
Already?
Cherise, I drove all the way
to Long Beach just to see you.
You came all the
way to Long Beach
to pick up dog shit.
Fuck Tara.
Ain't nobody seen you
around here in 20 years.
Let's go. Come on, boys.
Let's let this man
serve his community.
What about practice?
It's canceled for today.
Where's Coach?
TRE: He quit, huh?
CHERISE: Come on, let's go.
Hold on, let me get my stuff.
JAYCEN: In football, you
gotta have a short memory.
Fuck a play up,
- and move on.
- (CROWD CHEERING OVER PHONE)
Hey, sweet face.
I'm headed to the clinic
and I'll be back in a few hours.
- Okay?
- All right.
- Mwah. Love you.
- Love you, too.
- (GRUNTS) Too slow. Too slow.
- (CHUCKLES)
JAYCEN: That's exactly
how I live my life.
Can't be wasting time
thinking about bullshit.
COMMENTATOR: Hurdles
into the end zone.
And Jaycen Jennings smoked
both defenders on that one.
Damn!
JAYCEN: Like that one girl you
was always trippin' off of...
No matter how good
she still look...
I'm a firm believer.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- Hold this for me, okay?
- Jaycen, what?
I love you, Cherise.
JAYCEN: To stay
outta the past.
(CHERISE SIGHS)
No matter how good
she still looks.
Did I say that already?
Damn, I just said that.
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
Who the fuck
ringing my doorbell?
All right, I'm coming.
Family. What's
happening, baby? (LAUGHS)
What the fuck is you doing here?
Hey, man, I needed a place
to lay low for a while.
- Man, this is beautiful, baby.
- For a while?
Yeah, for a while, man.
Well, how the fuck
you know where I live?
How I know where you live?
Oh, man, your phone bills,
man, your credit score, mail.
Hey, man, you gotta be careful
who you give your number to.
I mean, come on, you
know it's me, baby.
And you know, I
got the THC. 100%.
Pow. That shit will
make a nun get naked.
(LIKE MY WEED BY
JANE HANDCOCK PLAYS)
Yeah, name one nigga in the
hood that play like this
I like my weed, uh
In the mornin' -
Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah
I like my weed -
Said I like my weed
Man, them legalizing weed
put a dent in my capital,
but that shit is bomb
as a mothafucker.
You right, this shit is
bomb as a mothafucker.
And look, the crazy
thing about it is,
I copped the weed down
on 15th and Atlantic.
Our old corner?
Yeah, our spot.
Where we used to
sling the pounds at.
Cuz, you still selling weed?
(HUFFS)
Have you ever sat
back and thought
what you wanna do
with your life?
Many a time, but I mean, look,
man, I got tattoos on my face.
Ain't nobody fuckin'
with me, man.
I feel you, homie,
but I seen somebody today
from back in the day
that didn't look like they
was doing too bad for herself.
Cherise?
- How you know?
- (LAUGHS) I can tell how
you got that little
kiddy-ass grin
on your face when
you say her name.
Cuz, ain't nobody
grinning, nigga.
Yes, you is. Boy,
you love that girl,
- Cherise, man.
- (LAUGHS)
Hey, but look, she thicker
than a motherfucker.
I'm talkin' about
thicker than a Snicker.
Shut up.
And she doing good for herself,
she got the clinic down there
where she helping the
kids with the broken arm.
She help the people
with the dialysis.
Man, she even help me when
I got stabbed that 17 times.
Nigga, you got stabbed?
- You ain't hear? They didn't tell you I almost lost my arm?
- No, let me see.
Oh, Cuz, you...
Damn!
They said I lost
350,000 pounds of blood.
That much blood?
I ain't hear nothing
about that one.
But anyway... What happened
to you and Cherise
after high school, man?
Come on, my nigga, you know,
your nigga can't be tied down.
Right, right,
right, right, right.
But you should've seen how
she was on me today though.
But her little
cockblockin'-ass son
and his little football team,
they gotta hurry up
and find a head coach,
so I can slide up on her
and get my peep on at
the park every week.
You know what I'm talking about?
You tryna Emilio
Estevez that ass,
that's what you's tryna do.
Emilio who?
Emilio Estevez.
Man, he played the
coach on Mighty Ducks.
Man, he ran a cold game
on Joshua Jackson's momma.
First, he taught him
how to use the puck,
then he turned around,
taught her how to use the stick.
Man, he got that pussy,
and became an American hero
at the same mothafuckin' time.
Kareem,
you kiddie movie genius
watching mothafucka.
I could just see it now.
Jaycen Jennings,
football legend,
- goes back...
- Yeah.
And saves a ol' raggedy-ass
Pop Warner football team
in his neighborhood.
Yeah, say that then.
You know, people love when
people fuck with poor kids.
This just may be my
way to get America
and Cherise
to fuck with Two-J's
all over again.
You know, God works
in mysterious ways.
- Really do.
- And I love you, boy.
- JAYCEN: I love you, too.
- (GUN FIRES)
What the fuck?
Kareem.
Safety was on it, cuz.
Oh, nope.
The safety wasn't on it again.
I'm gonna go home and put
some duct tape on the handle.
(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
- Aye, Ms. Cherise.
- CHERISE: Hmm.
This new coach coming or what?
There's a group
of girls posted up
at the parking lot,
checking for me.
TONY: Man, they ain't
checking on you.
Checking on this
big-ass pito right here.
Enough! No more dick talk.
We've already talked about this.
It's not cute. It's not funny.
Stop smiling, Tony.
It's very creepy. Nobody
likes the creepy kid.
- Understand me?
- (BOYS CHUCKLE)
- Yes, Ms. Evans.
- Okay.
God, I love it when she
puts me in my place.
- What was that?
- Uh, nothing, nothing.
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (ENGINE ROARING)
DWAYNE: Oh, shit.
What the...
BOY: Damn, it's
hella bright though.
That's a Benz.
What?
DWAYNE: That thing
is so bright.
That is nice.
Yo, isn't that the
crackhead janitor
that was cleaning up
poop the other day?
BOY 1: Looking like
a hip-hop pirate.
(BOYS EXCLAIMING)
You gotta be kidding me.
Y'all thought I was a
crackhead janitor, huh?
DWAYNE: Mm-hmm.
Yeah. BOY 2: Yes.
Well, turns out, I'm
a rich-ass celebrity.
And when I heard
about y'all league
not being able to find y'all
one decent, respectable citizen
to mentor you little dudes,
shit kinda broke my heart.
- What?
- So, I decided to work out
a deal with the
Los Angeles County
Community Outreach Program,
so you could have
football legend, Jaycen
'Two-J's' Jennings,
as your new head coach.
- Legend?
- (BOYS EXCLAIM)
Man, get outta here, dawg.
Oh, shit, I know who he is.
Good lookin' out.
'Bout time y'all put
some respect on my name.
Nah, he used a fake penis
to cheat on drug tests.
- (BOYS LAUGH)
- DWAYNE: You that same guy
who tried to have sex
with a undercover cop
the night before a playoff game.
(BOYS EXCLAIM)
Yeah, and the dude who also...
Won one of these, you
booger-nosed mothafuckas.
BOY 3: That's
real? DWAYNE: Bro,
what's with you and all
these random knockoff shit?
JAYCEN: Knockoff?
Nigga, my shit is
100% certified.
- You fuckin' loser.
- Watch it, Jaycen.
They ain't won a
game all season.
They're losers.
It's just a fact.
Damn.
Let me get a picture with
y'all real quick for Twitter.
TONY: What?
Anybody got, like, a
clipboard or a whistle,
so I can look like
I'm coaching for real?
TRE: Fake-ass coach, man.
- All right, fuck it.
- TRE: No one wants you here.
Man, don't be no
stranger to danger,
squeeze in for this fuckin'
picture for Twitter,
- come on.
- (BOYS GROAN)
Some of y'all gonna
get some girlfriends
when I finish with
this right here.
Come on, man, don't be
flippin' me off, man,
- give me some real shit, man.
- (CAMERA CLICKING)
Got 'em! Yes, sir.
Team dismissed.
What? We got a game
against the best team
in the league this weekend.
And you haven't even
seen us practice.
Go run them drills.
- Drills?
- On the hop.
Let's go. On the hop
means run, not walk.
Y'all got y'all a
coach now, hurry up.
DWAYNE: I don't know,
man, get your stuff, man.
- (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)
- And you, chocolate sundae.
What you doin' later
tonight? Wanna grab a drink?
You still smoke?
"Blessed as fuck to
share my greatness
"with the next generation.
"Prayer hands emoji.
"Hashtag, giving
back is what I do.
"More than an athlete.
"Hashtag, poor kids
need love too."
(LAUGHS)
Man, you really click
in with them kids, huh?
It really look like I give
a fuck about 'em, right?
(LAUGHS)
For real. For real,
man. That's real.
Hey, man. I was thinkin' about
what you said about
my life the other day,
and then boom, it hit me.
Assistant Coach Kareem.
(MIMICS WHOOSHING)
(LAUGHS)
I don't think it's gonna
work, Kareem. That's not...
I don't know, man.
You offensive coach,
I'm defensive coach.
Bam, we gonna be like
Batman and Robin.
They gonna love it.
I like your thought process
and your enthusiasm.
This is a career move.
This is big for me, man.
But, homie, I'm workin'
on my clean-cut coaching
brand right here.
Hey, man, don't say that, man,
don't do that. Don't do that.
And you got a face
full of tattoos, so...
Oh, you gonna unfollow me
- 'cause of that?
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's petty.
- You wanna play unfair?
- That's petty, that's petty.
- You wanna play unfair?
- That's fuckin' petty.
- What we doin'?
What you mean,
"What we doin'?"
What we doin', man?
Nigga, you not the
assistant coach.
(ALERT SOUNDS)
- Like that?
- Yeah, it's like that.
Where the fuck is you going,
cuz? This is my house.
- KAREEM: I'm 'bout to eat.
- Hold on, cuz.
I'm taking the pizza poppers.
JAYCEN: Slow down,
little nigga.
It's my mothafuckin' house.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Oh. Excuse me.
You the new coach?
Yeah, that's me. What,
somebody talkin' me up?
Yeah. My son, Gary,
told me you made him run a lap.
I got my eye on you.
Oh, Gary, baby.
I got your inhaler on deck.
You just say the word and
Momma be on that field
faster than you can
say asthma attack.
(BOYS LAUGH, IMITATE WHEEZING)
CHERISE: All right, y'all.
You can grab your jerseys.
I got 'em all
cleaned up for you.
You gonna look fantastic
out there today.
Oh, uh-uh. Hell, no.
Wait a minute, let
me see this shit.
Russell Athletics.
Faded numbers. No
nicknames on the back.
This is garbage.
- This what we own?
- They're the Green team.
Green team? We cool
with Green team?
- Mm-hmm.
- GARY: Actually,
I think it would
be quite amazing
if we can name
ourself The Dragons.
Man, quit it
with your Game of Thrones
virgin-ass bullshit.
Tre, you're a virgin
too. So be quiet.
- And watch your mouth.
- (BOYS EXCLAIM)
This shit is depressing, man.
Okay, enough.
(HORN PLAYING TUNE)
(ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
BY SCORPIONS PLAYING)
BOY: Positions! Line up!
Now, that's how the fuck
you supposed to look
when you come to a
game. Just like that.
You dress the part,
you play the part.
Oh, my God.
(SNIFFS)
Fuckin' Chip Collins.
- Colonels!
- (BOYS GRUNT)
(BOYS SHOUTING)
BOY 2: Is that a
freaking drill sergeant
coaching the team,
what the hell?
CHIP: And what do men
do? COLONELS: Dominate!
And what do men do?
Dominate!
And what do men...
Hold on. Is that...
Oh, my Lord, Two-J's.
Wow! You look, uh,
like a couch, man.
Is everything okay?
Are you living in
this park here?
I know they say that
Black don't crack, but
I see some fractures
in it right now.
I don't live in this park.
I'm here working, coaching.
- You're... You're coaching?
- Yes.
- Children?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, the community service thing.
'Cause you drive like
Helen Keller. Gotcha.
- Fuck you, Chip.
- Look,
I know, me and you haven't
seen eye to eye on everything.
Okay, I've said some things.
You've tweeted some things.
But let's put that aside
and focus on the real
reason why we're here.
And what's that?
The positive PR we get from
coaching peewee football.
(LAUGHING)
Joking, man. I'm joking.
No, the kids, we're
here to save the kids,
you know, they'd be out
there doing drive-bys
or whatever else you
guys do in Long Beach.
We are here to be heroes.
You're a hero. Okay?
Government enforced,
but you're still a hero.
I love you, man.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Stretch louder!
Bitch-ass, punk-ass bitch.
Get up,
get dressed, get
up and get to it.
I don't got all day.
I did not come out here to lose
to no bitch-ass Chip Collins.
Man, we got no shot
at winning this thing.
I mean, you see their
team, they're huge.
I know, right?
I heard they only recruit
high-school dudes.
I heard they lineman got a baby.
Man, who gives a
fuck what they got?
Put y'all helmets on and
don't fuckin' embarrass me.
Let's go, on the
hop. Let's go!
WOMAN: Yeah, that's it!
COLONELS PLAYER:
Hustle, hustle, hustle!
COLONELS PLAYER 2: Be
ready, guys, be ready!
You are hungry.
You are hungry.
- (COLONELS SHOUT IN UNISON)
- (WHISTLE BLOWING)
Damn, he kicked the
shit outta that.
TONY: I got it!
PLAYER: Come on! Defense!
- Ooh, shit.
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Oh, come on, man.
Booyah! That's what
I'm talkin' about.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Touchdown!
Hell of a start there.
First play?
Let's go! Oh, get
some, little boy!
CHIP: You should
call an ambulance.
Two hundred points off
that kid's SAT score.
- Guaranteed.
- (GROANING)
So, y'all don't know what the
fuck "don't embarrass me" mean?
Damn!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- GARY: Tre, Tre, Tre.
- Let's go, Tre.
- Go, go, go.
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- Oh, damn!
- (PLAYER GROANS)
- Oh, sh... Oh!
Nice! Nice!
Do you have a knife
wound in that shoulder?
(PLAYER SHOUTS)
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
- Hey!
- That was filthy, young man.
JAYCEN: Catch him!
He's so little!
Fuckin' scary, Rise.
We open.
God damn it, you wide open!
- Dang!
- JAYCEN: Get that shit!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Get your ass up! Get up!
CHIP: Let's go, let's
go, defense, markup!
Great hands!
Bravo! Keep it up.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Look at this shit.
- (GRUNTS)
- Whoo!
Coach, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't think I need this today.
PLAYER: Aah!
- Sorry mothafuckers!
- Sorry, Coach.
God damn!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
TRE: Huddle! Huddle
up, damn it. Come on.
TONY: What's the play?
The play is get outta my
way and let me do my thing.
- Aight?
- What?
- Break!
- Bro, what?
TRE: I'mma handle
this on my own.
- Let's go, Tre.
- TRE: Down, set, hut!
(ENERGETIC HIP-HOP
SONG PLAYING)
Ooh, shit! That
little mothafucka go!
- Tre.
- Come on, come on, come on.
What's going on over here?
Hey, where's that
defense? Stop him.
- Go, go, go.
- TRE: Fuck you!
- CHERISE: Yes!
- Yes!
God damn!
CHIP: Hey, where's
the defense?
What's going on over here?
Yeah, yes, to the house, Tre.
- (WHOOPS) Hell yeah!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Yes!
- (BOTH GRUNT)
JAYCEN: Yes, sir!
COLONELS PLAYER: Quit it.
Hey, Cherise, you sure
I ain't his daddy?
You wish.
Carl. Call that, Carl.
I got a personal foul.
Facemask on the offense.
Thank you, Carl.
- CARL: 15-yard penalty.
- Come on!
- Replay third down.
- Ref, are you blind?
It's okay, Tre. It's okay.
I got unsportsmanlike conduct.
- Oh, come on.
- CARL: 15-yard penalty.
- I mean...
- CHIP: Great job, Carl.
Sometimes the ref is the MVP.
Bro got a Mickey Mouse voice.
COLONELS PLAYER: (CHUCKLES)
Fifty bucks, he hasn't even
- dropped his balls yet.
- (PLAYERS CHUCKLE)
TRE: Drop this!
- (CLAMORING)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
CHERISE: Hey!
What the fuck is you all doing?
CHIP: Hey! What is going on
- over here?
- TONY: Fight!
All right. See,
that's what happens
when you get
Two-J's. Great job.
- Fuck!
- GARY: I need my inhaler.
ESA: Gary!
CHIP: Absolute
abomination. Okay?
But Two-J's got 'em doin'
the same thing that
they would be doing
on the block right
here on the field.
You a bitch, Chip!
That's it, that's it.
I'm calling the game.
Oh, come on, ref! Nobody
even fuckin' bleed!
That ain't the... (SCREAMS)
- God damn!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
(SCREAMING AND SOBBING)
Fuck!
Great job out there. I
know, tough circumstances.
This is why you can't have
an egotistical maniac
coaching peewee football.
"Hashtag, worst
role model ever."
CHIP: Be very
careful with Two-J's.
Guy's got gonorrhea
again. Don't touch him,
- no hugging. All right?
- REFEREE: Definitely.
Well, congratulations,
you little assholes.
Got me looking like
a straight mark
in front of the whole Internet.
DWAYNE: Bruh, they
ain't even had beef!
Man, I'm out this bitch.
- Excuse me?
- I'm done listening
to some washed-up
loser, has-been coach.
Fuck you say to
me, little nigga?
- Jaycen!
- TRE: You heard me.
Go, go wait by the car.
Kid got a real fuckin'
attitude problem.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
These little kids already have
the world bringing them down,
they don't need
you doing it too.
You really think you're
better than everyone else
because you played for a
professional sports team
over two decades ago?
It's like ever since you made
that stupid Hail Mary
catch in high school,
you've turned your
back on everybody
who ever helped you. Fuck you.
Helped me? Shit.
Ain't nobody help me!
I'm Jaycen Jennings. I
don't owe nobody shit.
I'm self-made!
(FAINT CROWD CHEERING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- COACH: Man.
- Man, I love you, Coach.
COACH: I love you too, son.
Way to go, superstar.
- We did it.
- We did it.
You did it.
Jaycen?
What up, Coach Feis?
Jaycen-goddamn-Jennings.
Oh, man, good to see you,
kid. It's been way too long.
Yeah, it has been
a minute, right?
It's been... 20 years, Jaycen.
Jaycen? What happened
to "superstar," Coach?
What's that?
Coach, you used to
call me superstar.
Did I? Hmm.
Coach, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
What's wrong with you?
Get your ass in here, why
would I call you superstar?
What's all those F's
on your tracksuit for?
- Reminds me of my report card.
- (COACH FEIS CHUCKLES)
God damn, Coach,
this shit is exactly the
way it was when I was here.
Coach, you ain't
never really thought
about, like,
upgrading your shit?
No.
Like your TV.
This is a Zenith. The desk.
This raggedy-ass couch.
I love that couch.
Come on, Coach, I
used to cut class
and take naps on that
couch right there.
Look at it now.
Duct tape on it, books
holding up as a leg,
the shit is a mess.
You know what I think, Coach?
I think I should make a
phone call to Italy 2000
and get you a brand-new
couch up in here.
(CHUCKLES)
Get you spooned and
groomed one time.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
No, no, forget about
that. What about you?
What you been up to
these past 20 years?
Shit.
Honestly, I'm here
because I don't know
what the fuck I'm doin'.
(SCOFFS)
That I see.
"I see"? Come on, Coach.
Now, you know, you the
only role model in my life.
Do you remember
what you were like
when you showed up here
first practice of freshman year?
I don't know, like a
baller from the jump,
a diamond in the rough?
Man, you were a pain in the ass.
Come on, Coach,
see, that kinda talk
with you just
dragging me like that,
how am I gonna buy you a couch?
You know what, Jaycen,
I appreciate it,
but you know what, get
off my couch, man. Fuck.
Hundreds of my players
have sat on that
couch right there,
and they've come in here
and they've talked to
me about their lives
and their dreams
and their goals.
And you know better than anyone
that kids from this area,
they're underdogs in the world.
They grow up with not
one advantage in life.
And sometimes, that
door being open,
and that old couch right there,
might've been the only safe
haven that those kids had.
So, when you come and talk to me
about buying me a
new couch, yeah,
all right, maybe I
need a new couch,
because that one's
getting a little worn out.
But, to me, I'd prefer to
give that couch a little TLC.
- Just a little love.
- Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
You Jedi mind-tricking
mothafucka, you, Coach.
I got it!
You tellin' me that just because
the kids that I'm coachin',
they may be raggedy and rough
around the edges and shit...
Wait a minute, man,
you're coaching?
But they require TLC.
And if I provide TLC,
they can be just as good
as any team that's out there,
and that is the key
to becomin' a
mothafuckin' role model.
I get you. I got you.
You the Gandhi of this
mothafuckin' coaching shit.
That's all I needed,
inspiration. I'm out.
(DOOR CLOSES)
THC is some shit. Wow.
- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
- (ENGINE ROARING)
MAN: Crazy!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
BOY 1: He shouldn't
even be here.
BOY 2: I don't want nothing
to do with this guy.
This guy sucks.
Wassup, wassup?
Oh, I see y'all little
angry about my tardiness.
Had that sick feeling in
the pit of your stomach
of being abandoned again?
- DWAYNE: Yeah.
- Well, good.
That's just the way I want
you little assholes to feel.
BOY 3: Okay, what?
JAYCEN: Now, when I first
started coaching this team,
I ain't believe
in none of y'all.
Not even a li'l bit.
Until I got Jedi
mind-tricked into realizing
that I underestimated y'all.
Same way niggas did me.
- (ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS)
- See, we the same.
We underdogs.
The dog underneath the dog
that's always getting
pissed and shitted on.
- Where's he getting at?
- But today,
I'm done pissing and
shitting on you kids.
Now, when I look at y'all now,
I don't see a bunch of assholes.
I see me, in every
last one of y'all.
It ain't no limits
to what y'all can do
with Jaycen Jennings
on the sideline,
coaching and actually
givin' a fuck.
BOY 4: Don't know
what that means.
That's it? (SCOFFS)
That's your big speech?
So, you're just gonna
stop peeing and pooping
all over us now?
Because you remember that
you were an underdog?
Well, couldn't have
said it better myself.
Corny as hell.
All right now, get your
asses up, let's warm up.
Let's go.
What y'all sitting
around for? Let's go!
Yeah, little mothafuckers.
- Warm up.
- TONY: Who's that guy?
When Coach say, "Warm up,"
warm this mothafucker up!
Let's go, I'll pump that pistol
- up in here. Come on, get it.
- BOYS: Go, go.
Get it. You think it's a game?
Boy, I'll lay your ass down
right up in here, right now.
I will clear this whole
mothafuckin' field out.
- DWAYNE: Go, go, go, go.
- Kareem?
Hey, what's up, Cherise, baby?
Kareem, the fuck is
you doin' here, man?
Hey, I know you say you ain't
want me up here coaching
on a official capacity.
But you know what I mean?
I'm over here lingering
in the periphial.
You feel me, cuz.
You hear me, I just
wanted to come up here
and drop a few of
them little gems
on the knowledge that I have
of the game. Hold up a minute.
Man, you look like
you got a Pamper on!
Pick that shit up!
This how you gotta talk to 'em.
Hey, Cherise, are
you single, baby?
- (CHUCKLES)
- CHERISE: Oh.
- KAREEM: Oh, man.
- (CHERISE CHUCKLES)
Nah, I'm just kidding, I
know my man, J, tryna smash.
Check it out.
This book right here
gonna have y'all running
schemes like a pro.
Yo, you don't got no
trick plays up in here?
We don't need no
goddamn trick plays.
But they're so fun.
Trick plays are
dope as fuck though.
KAREEM: I like trick
plays. I really do,
I love 'em. I
love trick plays.
JAYCEN: Man, how the
fuck you get a playbook?
I'm just saying, ain't
no tables of contents
- or nothing up in here, babe.
- Anyway,
this book right
here took your boy,
Jaycen Jennings, to
superstar, legendary status.
You mean a washed-up loser
coaching peewee in Long Beach?
Nah, I'm talking about the nigga
that had your momma
before she had you.
(BOYS EXCLAIMING)
Now learn the goddamn playbook
- and quit playin' so much.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
TRE: Hut. TONY: Go.
- (TONY GRUNTS)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Again. Till
we get it right.
We not movin' on
to the next play
till y'all get this shit right.
TRE: Hut.
(BOYS GRUNTING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- God damn it, Tony.
- TRE: Hut.
(BOYS GRUNT)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Hand me that football.
BOY: Oh, man.
Hey, dawg, you ever
touched a titty before?
- (TRE CHUCKLES)
- What?
A titty. Have you ever
touched a titty before...
- (BOYS LAUGH)
- Be quiet.
You ever touch a titty before?
Man, of course I have.
So many titties, all sizes.
A, triple A, double D.
TRE: Man ain't never
touched no titty.
Those are battery sizes.
Man, yes, I have.
Don't project your lack
of titty touching onto me.
Come here, man,
let me talk to you.
Look, this ball right here.
That's your titty.
You gotta hold it tight.
'Cause everybody
wants your titty.
Do I have consent of
touching the titty?
What you just say?
I'm not just gonna touch a titty
if it doesn't wanna be touched.
DWAYNE: Touching
titties without consent
got my cousin 30
days in the county.
Oh, that's nice.
- Get your ass outta here.
- (DWAYNE CHUCKLES)
You got my consent, okay?
Nice!
Let's run it again.
Let's run it.
Hey, I like the titty thang,
keep the titty thang, cuz.
- Fuck up.
- Keep that titty thang, cuz.
Back in it. Back on line.
Come on, y'all, run it again.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
The things you do in practice,
you'll do in the game.
If you're sorry at practice,
you're gonna be
sorry in the game.
Let's go, on the hop.
- (GRUNTS)
- The fuck was that?
Come on, get it right.
- Yo!
- JAYCEN: Get it together.
- One more time. Again.
- (GRUNTS)
- God damn it.
- KAREEM: Oh!
JAYCEN: No butter
finger anymore.
- Ooh!
- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- (GRUNTS)
- KAREEM: Oh!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- What the fuck?
That's why I can't
stand your little ass.
- Hey!
- JAYCEN: Come on, defense.
Make it look like
something, let's go!
TRE: Hut.
(BOYS GRUNT)
- KAREEM: Oh!
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Little mothafucker came
outta nowhere like a ghost.
- Yeah!
- JAYCEN: See right there?
Everybody on the team
need to be hitting
like this right here.
Hey, your new name is Ghost.
I see you in there.
Little homie, let me
talk to you, come here.
Let's huddle up,
little mothafuckers.
Look, you can't be the
tiniest mothafucker
on the team and
the softest, man.
Quick question, real quick.
Who's your favorite
character on Game of Thrones?
Wait, what?
Do you like the midget
who drinks the wine?
The tall blonde with the sword?
Or the sister-fucker
with the iron hand?
Oh, my God!
- Coach, you're a fan...
- Uh-uh-uh-uh...
Shut the fuck up. It's
between me and you.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry.
I feel like I've always had
a thing for the dragons.
So, I guess Drogon.
Yeah, definitely Drogon.
He's so badass and
everyone's afraid...
That's what I'm looking
for right there.
You take that
spirit to the field
and you go full-on Drogon.
I want you flying around
and burning up shit,
and make 'em respect your
fire-breathing dragon ass.
- You hear me?
- Yes, Coach! (ROARS)
I don't know what kinda
inspirational bullshit
y'all working on over there,
but his goofy, nerdy ass
gonna always be a bitch.
Tre, I'm fuckin' you up.
- Come on, run it. Run it.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey, pick it up, you
little fat mothafucker,
pick it up!
Damn.
- You not going pro.
- (BOYS GROANING)
Right now you sorry.
I'm sorry I'm coaching you
sorry mothafuckers. Let's go.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) If the
ball hits your hand,
you're supposed to pick it
up. Y'all know the rule.
Yell bingo on the pick.
- TRE: Go!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Oh, pick
that up. KAREEM: Oh!
JAYCEN: (BLOWS WHISTLE) God
damn it, sticky fingers.
Run it one more
time. Let me see
if this mothafucker can
get it right. Let's go.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Let's
make a play, pretty boy.
KAREEM: Come on, what
the fuck is that?
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hey, pretty boy!
- You!
- DWAYNE: Me?
Bring your ass over here!
You missing pass after pass,
you got on all this
sweet-ass shit.
KAREEM: I dig this.
You know what, every
time you fuck up,
we taking off some of
that swag you got on.
And come to think of it,
you always talkin'
that knockoff shit,
but you the only mothafucker
out here wearing fake shit.
- Me?
- JAYCEN: Yeah, you.
I don't know what
you're talkin' about.
Well, we know what
- you talkin' about. Yeah!
- Hey, hey, quit playin'.
Nah, ain't no "quit playin'."
The next time you come out here
acting like a fake-ass rapper,
and you can't back it
up out on the field,
we gonna kick your
little ass off the field.
- Ain't that right, Coach J?
- That's a fact.
You outta here. Now
get on over there, man.
DWAYNE: Damn!
Stop acting like you
got a album coming out!
JAYCEN: Bingo. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- (KAREEM GROANS)
- Come here, something else.
- Bring that shit to me.
- KAREEM: Run it, run it.
JAYCEN: Took a long time
putting this shit on,
now take it off.
There it go, right in your
hands. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Bring your sorry ass over
here. I need the wristband.
KAREEM: Come on,
whip out of 'em.
JAYCEN: It gonna look good
on me. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Uh-uh, he needs something too,
he wanna go to the club,
give me that armband.
KAREEM: You gonna
learn today. Thank you.
JAYCEN: (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Take the helmet off,
I want that durag.
Take it off.
KAREEM: We just here
to take it, baby.
JAYCEN: Keep fuckin'
up, you're gonna be
- naked out here.
- (DWAYNE GRUNTS)
I'mma take them beads out his
mothafuckin' head next time.
Let's go. With your
Stevie-Wonder-looking ass.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey!
- Jaycen.
- What up?
A few of the kids
need a ride home.
Any way I can trust you
to get them home safely?
No fucking way. I'm not finna
have those little
dirty-ass booger eaters
fuckin' up my midnight
black leather.
Jaycen, I have to go to work.
And your players
need their coach
to give them a ride home.
Can you do that,
Coach?
Sure. Anything
for the children.
Fuck that leather.
It's only cow, right?
Yep.
Yep.
(BLESSED BY SHENSEEA
AND TYGA PLAYING)
You got this grandpa
black interior?
- This shit is trash.
- (DWAYNE CHUCKLES)
Yo, Coach, you dropping
me off first, right?
I gotta piss.
Nah, forget that. Hold it.
I can't.
'Cause you got a
little-ass dick.
Hey! What's that gotta
do with anything?
The bigger your dick, the
longer you can hold it.
DWAYNE: That
makes sense to me.
I'm pretty sure that's
not how penises work.
Hey, hey, hey, enough
with that shit, man.
That's all y'all wanna talk
about is dicks and shit.
Shut the fuck up and
talk about some girls
or fuckin' cartoons
or something.
Little dick say what?
- What?
- You said what.
- (BOYS EXCLAIMING)
- We got him.
DWAYNE: That's the
oldest trick in the book.
TRE: Okay.
With your Squid Game
lookin' ass. (BOYS LAUGH)
All right, see you later, Tony.
TONY: See you, guys.
TRE: Bye, Tony.
- GARY: See ya.
- Hey, Tony.
You're gonna just leave
your shit in my car?
Uh, I'll just pick it up
from you next practice.
- (DWAYNE CHUCKLES)
- See you, Coach.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- What was that about?
His parents think he
at Mathletes practice.
What the fuck is a Mathlete?
Only the coolest
after-school club
with the cleverest
play on words ever.
I hate you so much.
GARY: Hate the player.
Wait, no. Hate the game.
JAYCEN: Hate the
player, not the game.
TRE: Not the game. (CHUCKLES)
(BLESSED BY SHENSEEA AND
TYGA CONTINUES PLAYING)
DWAYNE: Thanks for the ride.
Hey, it's cool right here.
My house is, like,
right down the street.
Come on, Dwayne,
it's raining outside.
I can't leave you
out here like that.
Nah, nah, it's cool.
I'mma just, um, pop up in there
and cop me some
kickstarter cleat.
Okay.
All right. You get that.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(CHUCKLES)
(BLESSED BY SHENSEEA AND
TYGA CONTINUES PLAYING)
And we lit tonight, don't
worry 'bout tomorrow
When she with me, she feel
like she hit the lotto
And when I walk out, the
tings, they gon' follow
Bitch, I'm the - Best
Best, best, best,
best, best, best
Way too blessed,
blessed, blessed, blessed
Blessed, blessed, blessed
Bitch, I'm the best
Best, best, best,
best, best, best
Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat, ah!
JAYCEN: All right, y'all.
You got pro caliber plays.
A hell of a coach/role model.
(CHUCKLES) And now...
you got these.
- DWAYNE: Hey, that's crazy!
- (BOYS EXCLAIMING)
- GARY: Look at those helmets.
- Whoa!
Yeah, $10,000 jerseys for y'all.
Are you tryna buy us off now?
- Shit, I ain't mad at it.
- JAYCEN: Thank you.
Drogon.
- BOY: Ooh!
- House of Dragons style.
- No way!
- JAYCEN: Pretty boy.
Now you look the part
- and you can play the part.
- Okay.
My favorite, Titties.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)
- The mysterious Ghost.
And this one for you, Superstar.
And let's see who else we got.
So, is there a reason
why the word "Underdoggs"
has two Gs in it?
Two Gs?
KAREEM: Yeah!
- I got the two Gs right here.
- (DOGS BARKING)
- TONY: Shit!
- (BOYS CLAMORING)
- Meet Killa and Skrilla!
- (BARKING)
Two dogs for two
Gs. You get it?
Kareem, what the
fuck is you doing?
I found 'em chained up
in the back of the
Wienerschnitzel.
Get these fuckin'
dogs outta here,
I'm tryna coach football.
The dogs like football too.
- (DOG BARKS, GROWLS)
- Man, have a heart.
(CHAMPION BY BOOK &
HAVIAH MIGHTY PLAYS)
I'm a Champion all day, born
this way, what about you?
I'm a Champion all day, born
this way, what about you?
I'm a Champion all day, born
this way, what about you?
JAYCEN: Mm-hmm. That's
what I'm talking about.
Look the part,
you play the part.
The way y'all look right
now, I see no excuse
for the Underdoggs
not to go out there
and get our first mothafuckin'
win of the season.
BOYS: Yeah! Yeah!
Let's go. Underdoggs, on me,
"Underdoggs" on three. One...
Let's just get that
shit over with.
Damn, I'mma have to
carry your asses anyway.
- (BOYS PROTESTING)
- GARY: Hater.
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
KAREEM: Let's make a play.
Do you understand what
you got goin' on here?
- We are fuckin' losers.
- Hey!
KAREEM: Losers. TRE: Hut!
- Get it off! Get it off!
- TONY: Here!
JAYCEN: Get it off! Let it go!
- What are you doing?
- BOTH: Throw the ball!
Stop being a fuckin'
hotdog, throw the ball.
- (PLAYERS GRUNT)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
KAREEM: What the
hell's wrong with you?
Your daddy should've pulled out.
- Coach, come on.
- TRE: Hut.
JAYCEN: Yo, make
the play, Gary.
- (GARY SCREAMS)
- KAREEM: What you doing?
- What you doing?
- God damn it!
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
Oh, my God! He did it again.
TONY: Here! Here!
JAYCEN: Hit that shit.
TONY: Throw the ball!
JAYCEN: Give him
the ball, Tre.
- Throw the goddamn ball!
- KAREEM: Oh, man!
You're a hardheaded-ass
quarterback.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Let's go, baby.
- Hey!
Come on, little asshole.
Run the goddamn play.
TRE: Set.
Hut!
Tony, hit that shit. God damn!
What the fuck is you doing, Tre?
BEARS PLAYER: I got him!
Fuck!
Hey, man. That was
supposed to be a handoff.
You think I'd ever
hand it off to you?
- Screw you!
- TRE: The fuck!
- TONY: Get off me!
- (WHISTLE BLOWING)
KAREEM: What're y'all doin'?
TONY: Fight for real, man!
GARY: Watch it!
- Come here, come here.
- TRE: Back up!
What's your problem?
Get off of me! Let me go!
Bro, man, let me go.
This shit ends right here
and right mothafuckin' now.
I've been givin' your
little ass a pass
'cause you Cherise's
kid and all,
but you're making it
difficult as fuck right now
for me and your teammates,
and we sick of your shit.
Man, fuck you!
And my teammates, everybody!
I don't owe nobody shit.
I'm self-made.
You sound just like me.
TRE: I ain't nothing like you.
You're a washed-up loser.
Yeah. You're right.
I am.
You wanna know how
I became a loser?
By doing the same dumbass
shit you doing right now.
No wonder why nobody wanted
to fuckin' play with me.
Shit is fuckin' irritating.
You know something though, Tre?
If you really wanna win a game,
stop pushing away
all the mothafuckers
that's on your team.
But if you ultimately
wanna become a loser,
keep doing the same
dumbass shit that I did.
(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)
Remember when in Season
3, when Khaleesi burns
the slaver's village
to the ground?
BOY: What is he talking about?
Oh, my God. You're a fan?
Make them bend their
mothafuckin' knee.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
All right?
And you,
take care of that titty.
- Yeah, your titty, man.
- TRE: All right?
"Underdoggs" on three.
One, two, three.
- Underdoggs!
- ALL: Underdoggs!
- Come on, Tre.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
Stop fighting. Run
the goddamn play.
TRE: Set.
Down.
Hut!
GARY: Dracarys!
(GARY ROARING)
- JAYCEN: Good block, Gary!
- Yes, yes, yes!
Go, Tony, go!
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, oh.
- JAYCEN: God damn it,
good move! Good shit, baby!
(CHEERING)
ESA: Whoo!
Hold them titties.
Tony, hold them titties.
This is my titty,
this is my titty!
- To the house, to the house!
- This is my titty!
- To the mothafuckin' house!
- This is my titty,
- this is my titty!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- CHERISE: Yeah!
- Yeah!
REFEREE: Touchdown!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
TONY: That's what I'm
talking about, man.
BOTH: Hey, hey, whoo,
- whoo, hee, hee, yay!
- The two Js?
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Excessive celebration.
- 15-yard penalty...
- Fuck you, ref!
- Enforced on the kickoff.
- We don't give a fuck.
Underdoggs celebrate,
get used to it.
We'll be back. Let's go!
Yo, Tre, shake that shit!
(MAKE WAY FOR THE KING
BY OHANA BAM PLAYING)
- Yes, yes, go to the house!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Good shit! Yeah!
- ALL: Hey, hey, hey!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Eff your flag. Let's go!
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
Good block. Yes, sir!
Make the play. Go!
- Let's go!
- REFEREE: Touchdown!
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
JAYCEN: To the
house! To the house!
Great run, Gary.
TONY: This is my titty!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Way to go, Tony!
REFEREE: Touchdown!
JAYCEN: Fuck yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Teamwork make a dream work.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Good shit, Superstar.
- GARY: Yeah!
- Yeah, whatever.
You're still a washed-up loser.
CHERISE: Come here.
Come here!
I used to run track, you know,
that's why you fast like that.
(LAUGHS)
(MERRY GO ROUND
BY CHOC PLAYING)
DWAYNE: Good game today,
Coach. Thanks for the ride.
This cool.
Thanks, Coach.
I'mma just pop up
in here and cop
- me some new shoes real quick.
- Me some new shoes real quick.
Man, no, you not.
Hmm. You know, when
I was your age,
this store used to be 7-Eleven.
And every day the school
bus dropped me off,
I race up in that mothafucker,
get me some Swishers or
some condoms or whatever,
but I never actually
bought anything.
I was just puttin' on a front,
so nobody'd see me walkin' home
to that trailer park
around the corner.
(SCOFFS)
The trailer park
around the corner?
Damn, I didn't even know that.
Come on, cuz, are you crazy?
You tell everybody on
the team that you gonna
get you a new pair
of shoes every day.
You think we don't recognize
when you never
show up with none?
(SIGHS) All right, fine.
It's just... (SIGHS)
It's kinda embarrassing
to be the brokest kid
on a team of broke-ass kids.
Ain't nothin' to be
embarrassed about.
The best underdog stories
start out just like me
and you. You feel me?
You used to live in
a trailer park too?
Lot 4, unit C.
That was me.
All right, Coach.
You can just take me home.
(JAYCEN CHUCKLES)
Nah, think I got a better idea.
(EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS)
PLAYER 1: Set! Hut!
KAREEM: Let's go, let's go.
Let's go, let's go,
defense, lock up.
KAREEM: Defense!
DWAYNE: Bingo!
Pick that shit up, Dwayne,
to the mothafuckin' house!
- Yes!
- Go! Go! Go!
JAYCEN: Yes! Yes!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
Yes, way to go, Dwayne!
(EXCITING MUSIC CONTINUES)
Yeah! Pretty Boy!
Turns out, bein' an incredible
- role model...
- Yeah!
Well, that shit is
easy as a mothafucker.
Just be real about who you are,
and suddenly all of
them kids you inspired,
they gonna show the
world who they really be.
MAN: Tony?
Mom, Dad.
What are you guys doing here?
We just got a call from
a man named Jaycen.
He said he was your coach and
that you had a game today?
Fuck it.
I haven't been going to
Mathletes practice, okay?
I never even signed up
for that stupid club.
I play football.
I love football.
I'm actually pretty good at it.
Even though I still fumble,
which I'm improving on,
especially if I imagine
the ball is a titty.
I know you're super
mad at me right now,
but if you could just
not be and let me play,
that would be really dope, okay?
Are you still gonna get
straight A's in school?
Yeah.
Okay. Have fun.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
JAYCEN: Inspired not
to be little bitches
in front of their parents.
Does his jersey say "Titties"?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Inspired
to shock the world.
PLAYER: Set! Hut!
JAYCEN: Let's go,
defense. Let's go!
(GRUNTS)
Yes! Way to go, Ghost!
Go! Hit that shit!
- (GRUNTS)
- Yes! Good shit!
Make the play!
- Hit it, Ghost!
- (GRUNTS)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Yes!
- (TEAM CHEERING)
- (PLAYER GROANING)
- (CHEERING STOPS)
- WOMAN: Get outta here!
- She's a girl! (SCREAMS)
- She's a girl.
(CHERISE AND ESA
LAUGH EXCITEDLY)
Oh, shit!
Fantastic.
ESA: Gary! I love you, baby,
but Momma's got a new
favorite player. Yes, ma'am!
(CHERISE AND ESA SQUEAL)
You can let your hair
down now, baby girl.
TEAM: Yeah!
(TEAM CHEERS AND LAUGHS)
So, to all you selfish
assholes out there,
just keep it real.
And if you do that,
then you can become
an inspiration,
just like I did.
(FRIENDS & FAMILY BY THE
ISLEY BROTHER PLAYING)
Break out the food
and the drinks
It's gonna be a party - Well
Turn up the music real loud
Invite everybody - Well
Go right 'head and smoke
and play some cards
Just make yourself
at home - Yeah
It's okay to take
somebody's hand
And get your groove on
We're all up in here - Woah
Timing couldn't
be better - Yeah
I love to see my
people come together
Talkin' 'bout friends - Yeah
Friends - Oh, and family
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I'm talkin' 'bout friends
Friends and family
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh - Oh
Now everyone is getting along
Yeah - The feeling in here
Is so awesome - Well
Why don't we just go
on and call this party
- A world reunion?
- Yeah
We're all up in here - Woah-oh
Timing couldn't be better
JAYCEN: Here's my
hot wheel collection.
CHERISE: Do you need
to add a few more?
JAYCEN: Probably about
five or six more.
- Yeah, I would say so.
- (CHUCKLES)
- I was kidding.
- Oh.
That...
Is that Big Shirley?
JAYCEN: Yeah, you
know damn well
I wasn't gonna get
rid of Big Shirley.
Wait, is it actually
the same car
from high school or did you...
It is the exact same car
that me and you used to...
Uh-huh. Yeah, I got it.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So many memories in this car.
Oh, wow.
Cherise, do you realize
this is the first
time in so many years
that me and you have actually
been in a room alone?
Don't be nasty now.
I'm just saying.
We can finally
talk. Get caught up.
Talk about the things
you've been doing.
You know, places you've been.
The men you've been with
after I broke up with you.
(CHUCKLES)
I still find it
hilarious to this day
that you think you
broke up with me.
'Cause I did.
You didn't though.
But, you know what,
you're too much
of a insufferable egomaniac
to admit it, so...
- Me?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Hypothetically,
let's say if I was to say it
for the first time, out loud,
that you did actually
break up with me,
what would you say?
I'd say that was a
really hard time for me.
I was so proud of you
and everything you
accomplished, but
I had my own goals and dreams,
and I couldn't spend
the rest of my life
being your plus-one.
And for the record, I
told you all of that.
But all you just kept
saying was, I was...
jealous of your shine.
Which was, you know,
hurtful.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Hypothetically.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Anyways, um,
I really should go
check on the kids.
(HIP-HOP SONG
PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
DWAYNE: Hold on, watch
this, watch this.
GARY: No, give
me a second time.
One more time, one more time.
One more time, one more.
(CHUCKLES)
Ayo, Ghost, do we have to,
like, not use words like "bitch"
- when we're around you?
- DWAYNE: Dude.
Or "titties," I mean,
I gotta be able to
say "titties," right?
Bro, you're making this
so weird right now.
You're makin' it weird by
sayin' I'm makin' it weird.
Yo, you are all
making this weird.
So, stop being
such bitches. Jeez.
- Who she say that to?
- TONY: Whatever.
TRE: Man, nobody listens
to her, for real.
GARY: Yo, what's she doing?
TONY: Bro, she's drinking.
GARY: No way!
She just drunk it.
She's gonna end up
like Kareem, bro.
(BURPS)
(CHUCKLES)
What?
Say what?
(EXCITED CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
(UPBEAT HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
(BOYS YELL)
(SHOUTING)
(ALL SHOUT)
(ALL CHANTING)
(SHOUTING)
Cherise, let me holla
at you real quick.
Look,
I know this is probably
coming way too late,
but, um, just so you know,
every girl I was with after you,
I thought about
you the whole time.
(SMACKS LIPS, INHALES SHARPLY)
That's disturbing.
And a little flattering.
No.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Not even a little.
Nah, but, uh, either way,
I'm sorry.
For pushing you away
and not supporting you.
For real.
Thank you.
Means a lot.
- Questions.
- Mm-hmm.
Wha... Who is that?
That's Two-J's,
what do you mean?
- (LAUGHS)
- What? That's me, baby.
I mean, I don't remember
the booty being like...
What, that's me, what
are you talkin' about?
I mean, I wish. No, I mean...
You wish that my
thing was like that?
(LAUGHS) No, I mean,
I shouldn't even be...
Where are the kids?
GARY: Oh, I see a goldfish.
I'mma try and hit it.
DWAYNE: Yo, watch your aim!
TRE: Oh, shit. My bad, bro.
Oh, my God!
(GHOST GASPS)
I know y'all not pissin'
in my mothafuckin' pool
with y'all little drunk asses.
Everybody out the pool. Now!
You heard what she said,
get the fuck out my pool
- with your little drunk asses.
- I saw you peeing.
You're all grounded. I
expected way more. Way more.
Kareem, nigga, wake your ass up!
Ahhh! Sorry, Momma!
Cuz, the kids been drinkin'.
Come on, dawg, don't go there.
We used to dip our
blunts in lighter fluid.
That's basically PCP.
Don't go there,
talkin' 'bout "Kareem."
Their parents gonna
whoop their ass anyway.
JAYCEN: I wanna
dedicate this episode
to the Honorable Judge Tara.
- Fuck yeah! Way to go, baby.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Who knew my calling
even before I did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Who would've thought
that pickin' up dog shit
would be so enlightening.
Looks like that bus
knocked some sense into
that head of yours.
JAYCEN: Yeah! Take 'em out!
Go! Go!
- Weak-ass coaches.
- Damn it!
Yeah, nigga, fuck y'all,
Underdoggs, nigga,
what's happenin'?
It's a beautiful day
to see my brother,
Two-J's, drop his ego,
and commit to coaching
these little brothers and
sisters like no other.
And today, we celebrate
with our favorite food!
What we eatin', y'all?
TEAM: Raising Cane's!
So I wanna give
a double shoutout
to my main man, Todd Graves,
for makin' it happen.
The CEO, Todd, what's
happenin', baby?
- Yeah!
- (ALL CHEERING)
JAYCEN: The Underdoggs
keep improving
and they keep on winning.
REFEREE: Touchdown!
JAYCEN: Celebrate,
God damn it!
TONY: This is my titty!
JAYCEN: And Titties hasn't
dropped the ball once.
GARY: Dracarys!
JAYCEN: Check this out.
These little assholes have
a bigger fanbase than me.
(CHUCKLES) Can you believe that?
I mean, how desperate is
this man for attention?
Maybe it's too much cannabis.
Clearly this is a PR stunt.
- Pop, pop, pop.
- JAYCEN: Even the Two-J's
made a comeback.
I'm really feelin'
the love, y'all.
CHIP: We're here for
the love of the game,
not the love of ganja.
Put it down.
JAYCEN: Well, almost
everyone. (CHUCKLES)
And our last win brings us
not only to the championship,
but ironically, face to face
with that bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitch, Chip Collins.
Which brings me to my next
lesson for the kids, revenge.
(CHUCKLES)
Hashtag,
best mothafuckin'
role model ever.
Now, how about that?
(KIDS CHUCKLING)
TRE: Hey, man.
Here, I got you.
GHOST: Hey, Tre,
Tre. BOY: Pass it up.
- JAYCEN: Yo, Ghost.
- Ghost, right here,
- right here.
- Ball up!
- BOY: Ooh!
- Damn!
God damn! Shit!
You just threw that thing
like 40 yards, easy?
GHOST: And? JAYCEN:
All right, y'all.
Warm up. Last practice
before the championship.
- Let's get cracking!
- Round up, hurry up!
Team momma, what's happening?
CHERISE: What's up? Ahh!
So, apparently,
Chip Collins has been talking
a lot of shit about you
- on his show lately.
- Don't tell me
you've been listening to
that garbage, Cherise!
(CHUCKLES) I mean,
what choice do I have?
My favorite podcast
got soft on me.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Talking about unity
and working together.
Where else am I
supposed to indulge
my guilty pleasure of listening
to some hot-shit asshole
blow smoke every day?
Did I hear you say
"favorite podcast"?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Yeah, hold on, let me take
this call, Rise, real quick.
- Yo!
- RYAN: Hey, there he is!
Number-one client
on my call sheet.
Mm-hmm.
RYAN: Okay. So, you
ready? I just got back
from deep sea fishing
off the coast of Catalina
on Bob Iger's yacht,
and I'm sitting there talkin'
to my ex-roommate from
Dartmouth, who happens to be
Rupert Murdoch's stepson,
the woke one
though, don't worry.
He tells me that he
is a big fan of yours,
and he's been
following the thing
you're doing with those
kids, the big dogs.
The Underdoggs.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And he's, like, shaking up, man,
he's getting so misty-eyed
that he's telling
me that it makes him
want to be a better role model.
- Damn, that's...
- Hilarious. I know,
he's so full of shit.
The point is, he knows
your brand is fucking
gold right now.
So, he had his team at Fox
run the numbers, turns out,
more people like you
than hate you now.
So, this guy is begging me
to do business with
you, like, begging me.
Don't fuck with me,
mothafucker, cuz,
don't fuck with me, cuz.
I fuck with you not.
You're ready for the kicker?
Fox Sports is offering you
your very own weekly show.
I'm looking at the
contract right now.
Finally, yes!
What did I tell you, bro?
America loves poor kids.
Let's go, baby! Let's go!
Yes! Yes!
KAREEM: Damn, bro,
why you over here
Tiger Woods fist pumping?
JAYCEN: Aye, Kaufmoney.
Do you mind repeating
what you just said?
Oh, I will repeat it.
Jaycen 'Two-J's' Jennings
is getting his very own show
on Fox Sports this fall.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's amazing!
DWAYNE: That's what
I'm talkin' about, man.
You better put my
highlights on daily.
- (KIDS LAUGH)
- Hey, so congrats, man.
Listen, it's all gonna
move pretty fast, okay?
My assistant's
emailing you right now.
They want you on Fox
Sports this Sunday
to make the announcement
and guest host.
- No, no, no...
- DWAYNE: Game's on Sunday.
That shit ain't gonna work.
Sunday not gonna work for me.
You gonna have to call
'em and reschedule that.
Hey, no, no, no,
don't pull this, man.
You have any idea
how tough it was for
me to convince them,
that you wouldn't
pull any diva shit?
Look, the Underdoggs got
a championship game
to win this Sunday.
No, I don't think you fuckin'
understand, I don't care
if it's your mother's funeral.
Do you understand that? If
you don't show up to set,
this is all over.
It's finished.
Your credibility,
the show, all of it.
Do you get that?
Oh, hell nah, hang
up or something.
BOY: Yo, cancel that.
- Let me call you back, Kauff.
- Wait, wait, do not...
(HANGS UP)
BOY 2: That's our game, man.
BOY 3: We got a
chance at the game.
BOY 4: Don't do this to us.
We got the
championship game, man.
- Jaycen?
- What?
You're gonna screw us over
like every other coach.
That's what.
Another one.
This is bullshit.
Come on, man, y'all gotta
just let me think, man.
About what? Leaving us?
About my life, dawg.
I've been out here
coaching y'all,
but this phone call I got is
what I've been waitin' on.
What you expect me to do?
I've been out here livin' this
basic-ass retirement life.
- I'm sick of that shit.
- KAREEM: Damn.
I'm sorry. I ain't realize
it was making you miserable
hanging around basic-ass people.
Man, that ain't what I said.
No, that's exactly
what you said.
What, y'all bein' real
fucking selfish right now.
BOY 1: Yeah.
This is my dream
come true right here.
BOY 4: Damn.
Man, forget this.
Like that? For real?
After all I did for these kids,
that's how y'all gonna do me?
Y'all gonna let
these ungrateful kids
do me like this?
BOY 4: How you gonna
do us like that?
There you go.
That's the JJ I know.
You know, for a second...
I actually thought you
wanted to help them.
Just for a second.
I feel stupid.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
KAREEM: Damn, cuz.
Emilio Estevez gonna
be real disappointed.
(SIGHS)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)
Fuck.
Tre! Tre!
Hey, Tre! Hey!
It's okay.
(TRE CRYING)
Yo, Coach! I'm not
crazy. Right? Right?
I mean, ever since you
Jedi mind-tricked me
with all that poor-ass
couch and kid talk,
I've been nothing but
a positive role model
to them kids, man.
And now my shit blowin' up,
they want me to
stop what I'm doin',
continue doin' what
I'm doin' with them
and put my shit on pause.
What the fuck
kinda shit is that?
Listen, man, I'm sorry, Jaycen.
I mean, it's been
a long day for me.
But I gotta get
home to my family.
- You'll figure it out.
- Come on.
Family, Coach?
Hey, feel free to
use that couch.
Fuck that couch!
(SIGHS)
Damn, Jaycen.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER:
Everybody, welcome to
the Long Beach Youth
Football League Championship.
Once again, we have
the undefeated
Colonels looking to...
Punish them for their sins.
COLONELS: Sinners!
- Slit their throats.
- COLONELS: Throats!
CHIP: And what do men
do? COLONELS: Dominate!
- And what do men do?
- Dominate!
CHIP: Heads on spikes!
Yo, is it just me or do they
look like they got bigger?
- Heads on spikes!
- Heads on spikes!
Heads on spikes!
Okay, bring it in for a
prayer, guys. Come on in.
All right, all right, y'all,
hey, y'all, gather around.
Let's gather around.
Let's get it together.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, now kids.
I know y'all haven't had
the best choices of
coaches at this point.
But I just wanna thank
you little mothafuckers
(VOICE CRACKS) from
the bottom of my heart
for accepting me
and lettin' me be y'all coach
at this... (VOICE BREAKS)
I'm gettin' emotional.
Kareem, don't do it.
Kareem, get yourself
together. Kareem.
- Breathe.
- CHERISE: It's okay, Kareem.
(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)
CURT: Welcome to
Fox Football Sunday.
I'm Curt Menefee,
alongside Terry Bradshaw,
Michael Strahan, Howie Long,
and joining us as a
guest host for the week
is a man who really
needs no introduction.
Always going above and beyond
the call of community service,
he's captured the
hearts and the minds
of the entire sports world,
inspiring us all,
forming a bond with
these incredible kids
that can never be broken.
Here at Fox Sports,
we consider ourselves a family,
and we couldn't be more excited
to welcome into our Fox family,
not just one of the greatest
players of all time,
but one of the best people.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
the new host of FS1's
You Don't Want That Smoke
with Jaycen Jennings,
the one and only Jaycen
Jennings. Welcome, JJ.
- Yeah.
- Welcome.
Two-J's! Welcome to
the Fox Family, man.
(SIGHS)
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)
I gotta get home to my family.
Family.
(CHUCKLES) Family.
I gotta piss. I'll
be right back.
Hey, I told you we
shouldn't hire him.
- I never liked his ass...
- I told you.
When he played.
And I sure as hell
- don't like him now.
- Right.
Why don't we take a quick,
uh, commercial break?
Oh, that was all on camera
while we just said
all that? (LAUGHS)
CHIP: Thank you,
Father, so much
for inventing a hard plastic
that we can slam into
our opponents' faces,
causing irreparable
damage to their brains.
KAREEM: Now, I got a gang
of inspirational
speeches for y'all,
to bring y'all together.
If I can find the mothafucker,
they in my pocket somewhere.
Oh, shit. Oh, you
don't need to see that.
There you are.
Vince Lombardi once said,
"The blood of a covenant
is thicker than a bitch."
- (CHERISE GRUNTS)
- Oh, oh, oh.
Sorry, Cherise.
No, Vince Lombardi once said,
- "The blood of a covenant..."
- JAYCEN: "Of a covenant...
"is thicker than the
water of the womb."
Damn, bro.
Actually, that wasn't Lombardi.
That was God. In the Bible.
He looks like a
Black Princess Leia.
Gotta be hot in
that fuckin' jacket.
Why are you even here?
Good question, Superstar.
I was in the midst of my
triumphant television debut,
when all of a sudden I told
America I had to take a piss.
But really, it
was just an excuse
so I can get up outta there
and get down here
and talk to you kids.
And why the hell
would you do that?
Another excellent
question, Titties.
Let me tell you why.
Family.
A word that a lot of
people take for granted.
You know, some would
say, "Who needs family
"when you got money, fame,
and your own TV talk show?"
You know, I was at the
pinnacle of my comeback
when gap-tooth wearin' ass
Michael Strahan told me
I was about to become
a part of his family.
But you see,
he ain't a part of my family.
Y'all are.
That's what Coach
Feis was tryna tell me
this whole damn time.
Was I needed to find
my way back home
and get to my family.
Sorry I messed up.
Won't happen again.
So, what's up, family?
Anybody down to go whoop
on some bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
and win a championship or what?
(HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Fuck, let's get it!
Underdoggs, on me.
"Underdoggs" on three.
ALL: One, two,
three, Underdoggs!
I could've never said
a speech like that, J.
Where you going, cuz?
I need you on the sideline
for this one, Coach.
Oh! "Assistant Coach Kareem"!
In Old English letters,
just like you like it.
Momma! We made it!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- (BOTH BARK)
Let's go!
- COLONELS PLAYER: Ready?
- (COLONELS GRUNT)
God bless America.
God bless the Colonels.
God bless Long Beach,
the nicer parts.
Bitch-ass, punk-ass bitch!
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Let's go!
Let's go, Underdoggs!
Run that offense, Tre.
Down! Set!
(MIMICS BARKING)
Hut!
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
- ESA: Come on, Gary! Get it!
- (GARY ROARING)
Good block! Good
fuckin' block!
- TONY'S MOM: Yeah! Go, go, go!
- JAYCEN: Hit that shit, Tony!
- Go! Go!
- Ooh, ooh!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Yeah! Yes!
- (ALL CHEERING)
- Way to go! Hell yeah!
- Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about!
- CHERISE: Yes!
- Ref! Carl!
- CARL: No touchdown.
- What the fuck?
I got a holding on the offense.
That's a 10-yard penalty.
Replay, second down.
Ain't that the same
mothafuckin' ref
that got knocked out the
last time we played him?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hell yeah.
Aye, ref.
If you take that Slick
Rick patch off your eye,
you'll see you made
the wrong call.
Okay, that's what
we like to see.
You lose an eye, the
other one gets stronger.
COLONELS PLAYER: Go!
JAYCEN: Lock up, lock up.
Defense!
CHIP: Oh, hey.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- CARL: Touchdown!
CHIP: Touchdown!
Justice is served.
CHERISE: Let's go,
let's go, Underdoggs.
- Let's go. Let's go.
- ESA: You're still in it.
COLONELS PLAYER: Set...
JAYCEN: Let's go, D.
Go!
(PLAYERS GRUNTING)
Let's go, let's go,
defense, lock up, lock up!
(PLAYERS GRUNT)
GHOST: Yeah! CHERISE: Yes!
- Boom!
- Yeah. Dick in the dirt!
CHIP: It's a lady, Timmy!
You want a lady to lay you
on your back like that,
I'll take you to Vegas.
I got a personal foul.
- Unnecessary roughness.
- CHERISE: It's a foul.
- CARL: On the defense.
- Oh, come on.
KAREEM: Come on,
man. CARL: Number 42.
That's some solid
officiating, Carl.
These animals have
been getting away
with murder all season.
CHERISE: Shake it off, guys!
(GHOST GRUNTS)
- Hut!
- (PLAYERS GRUNTING)
Let's go, Tre. Pass, pass!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
That's holding on the offense.
No touchdown.
Get your ass back
to the Footlocker.
COLONELS PLAYER: Go!
JAYCEN: Let's go, defense!
Catch him, catch him!
Get the fuckin' ball!
- CHIP: Booyah!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
CARL: Touchdown!
CHIP: Touchdown!
(CROWD CHEERS)
When God is on your
side, you cannot fail.
Hut!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
- CARL: Offsides.
- Really?
JAYCEN: Oh, it's a
pass, pass, pass.
CHIP: What's going
on over here?
- Personal foul...
- PLAYER: Come on!
- Roughing the passer.
- Great call, ref.
JAYCEN: Red's on
D, red's on D.
Lock up, lock up!
Oh, it's a pass, pass, pass!
- Pick that shit up!
- CHERISE: Go, go, go!
- Yeah!
- Good defense, Dwayne.
- Good, D.
- Pass interference.
- Foul.
- Oh, come on,
with the late-flag shit, ref.
I ain't even touch him.
JAYCEN: Go, go, get that shit.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) I
got a false start.
- Come on.
- CARL: Clipping.
- You're a ref for both sides!
- CARL: Roughin' the passer.
Come on!
That one eye's working overtime.
CARL: No touchdown.
Automatic first down.
That's the type of officiating
we like. Keep it up.
How much you pay the ref, Chip?
(HALFTIME WHISTLE BLOWS)
Listen up.
I ain't gonna hold you.
We in a tough spot.
How we gonna win if they keep
calling stuff against us?
It's like the Battle of
the Bastards out there.
They're hate-fucking us, bro.
All up and down the field.
Hard. Right up the ass.
What are y'all bitchin' about?
Is this the first time we
had shit workin' against us?
Shit out of our control?
Man, we face that every day,
that's why we
Underdoggs, ain't it?
We always playin' from behind.
We gotta work twice as
hard to get half as far.
But the thing about
the Underdoggs is,
we never fold, we
never surrender.
When everybody count us out,
we believe in ourselves.
(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS)
So, let's embrace that shit.
Let's embrace who we are.
Let's go out there
and shock the world.
Let's show everybody
what the mothafuckin'
Underdoggs are made of.
Hell yeah!
PLAYERS: Yeah!
TRE: Yeah, we got this, dawg.
(WHOOPING)
PLAYER: That's what
I'm talkin' about.
Yo, Tre. Tre.
PLAYER 1: That's
what's up, man.
PLAYER 2: Let's get
dirty. PLAYERS: Yeah!
Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
Yeah, let's come out like
I wanted to come out.
- (GRUNTS)
- Let's go! Let's go!
Colonels, we're gonna keep on
followin' our destiny. Okay?
We had some rough
couple of moments.
- Right.
- Matter of fact, you played
absolutely pathetically
at certain points.
It's a miracle
we're up 24-nothing.
I had a lot to do with that.
Sometimes I can make miracle...
JAYCEN: Yeah,
let's fuckin' go!
- KAREEM: Yes, come on!
- JAYCEN: Man up!
- JAYCEN: It's time for that theme song. New hair. New look.
- PLAYER: Let's get it!
Oh, shit. What's this?
JAYCEN: There's some
new ass to kick!
PLAYER 2: Doggs, go!
JAYCEN: Let's go!
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYS)
UNDERDOGGS: (SINGING) Little
bitch-ass, punk-ass bitches
You little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
You little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
You little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
You little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
You little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Oh, very nice, Two-J's.
Love the language.
(HIP-HOP SONG
CONTINUES PLAYING)
Great jerseys, by the way.
What happened to the other ones?
They get repo'd at halftime?
You little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
- Little bitch-ass
- Seem, uh...
Punk-ass bitches - angry.
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Bitches!
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Why do they all seem so angry?
Little bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
Little bitch-ass -
What's up with that?
Punk-ass bitches - Whoo!
- Someone get me a 40!
- JAYCEN: Go! Let's go!
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Continue dominance, men.
Let's go!
CHIP: Squash 'em.
(COLONELS YELL IN UNISON)
CHERISE: Let's go!
ESA: Go! Go!
CHERISE: Let's go!
Whoo!
Oh, shit! Go, go,
get that shit!
KAREEM: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
CHIP: What's going on?
Put some hands on him.
What's going on here?
WOMAN: Yeah! JAYCEN:
Oh, good block!
Watch it! Red comin' in hot!
Spin on his ass, Tre.
Oh!
Yeah!
JAYCEN: All day,
all the way, Tre!
- Go, go, go, go! Yes!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- TRE: Wassup!
- Yeah!
Touchdown.
Hey, ref, where's the call?
You took care of the referee?
No, Killa and Skrilla did.
(BARKING)
(BOTH BARKING)
No holding? Illegal formation?
Wassup now, Chip?
- Come on, Carl!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
JAYCEN: Let's go, D,
lock up, let's go!
Pass, pass, pass.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- Yeah!
Good defense, Dwayne. Good, D.
Where's the call, huh?
Hut!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- First down.
Hell yeah!
We got a chance, I can feel it.
COLONELS PLAYER: Go!
JAYCEN: Red's on D!
Red's on D!
Oh, it's a pass, pass, pass!
- DWAYNE: Bingo!
- Oh, shit! Good pick, Dwayne.
What the hell is going on here?
CHERISE: Go, go,
go, go, go, go!
- CHIP: Stop him!
- Yeah!
CHIP: Stop him!
Oh, Prime Time, Deion Sanders!
CARL: Touchdown!
Turn the fucking ball
over and embarrass me,
you useless piece of shit.
Get your asses back
to the sidelines.
JAYCEN: Come on, y'all,
we runnin' outta time!
Go, go, go, get that shit!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- CARL: Clipping.
On the defense.
What is happening right now?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Down!
- Go, let's go!
- Come on, Gary!
- Hut!
- (PLAYERS GRUNTING)
JAYCEN: Tony, hit that
shit! CHERISE: Go!
(GARY ROARS)
- (TONY GRUNTS)
- (CROWD SCREAMS)
- Touchdown.
- Air Tony like a mothafucker!
This isn't cheerleading.
What is this, Cirque du Soleil?
- CARL: Touchdown.
- That's our Tony!
- That's my son!
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
You can't be jumping on top
of each other like that.
What the hell?
We on your mothafuckin' ass now.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I need one yard, first down,
and then you run out
that goddamn clock.
Get that goddamn ball back!
- Defense!
- Come on!
- Defense!
- COLONELS PLAYER: Set! Hut!
CHIP: Let's go!
Come on, come on, come on, make the
play, make the play, make the play!
KAREEM: Come on,
come on, come on.
JAYCEN: Make the hit!
- Yeah!
- You better, Ghost!
Oh, God damn it!
What is wrong with you?
I said do not fuck
this up for me!
You just got dominated, bitch!
(CHEERING)
First down, Green Team.
Come on, let's go,
let's go, let's go!
Good shit! Way to go!
Come on, y'all, gather around.
Man.
Twenty-five years ago, I
was in this same situation.
Right.
Down by three,
championship on the line,
and then bam!
Mothafuckin' miracle happen.
Talkin' about when you caught
the Hail Mary in end zone?
Hell yeah, how you
know about that play?
That shit way older than you.
Been watching me
on YouTube, huh?
Guess I am your role model.
Bruh...
What y'all say, let's
run that shit back?
- Yo, what about a trick play?
- PLAYERS: Yeah.
I love a trick play.
PLAYER: Yeah. JAYCEN: Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I think it's time we
pull out our secret weapon.
Great idea, Tony.
Trick or treat, y'all.
"Underdoggs" on three.
Underdoggs, on me.
- One, two, three, Underdoggs!
- ALL: Underdoggs!
Let's go. Let's go!
Run that shit, Tre!
What are you waiting for?
Get the hell out there!
Let's go! Go!
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Men, I need a stop here,
and your life depends on it.
Come on, come on,
pull this shit off.
- Come on!
- ESA: Whoo!
- Let's go!
- TRE: Down!
- Go Underdoggs!
- Come on!
- TRE: Set!
- Let's go, homie, let's go!
TRE: Ghost!
Wait, wait. What's
goin' on over here?
JAYCEN: Come on, let's
go, let's go, let's go.
What's she doin' here?
Hold on, she doesn't
play offense.
I don't trust her.
Eyes on her! That
little girl's a psycho!
(MUSIC STOPS)
Winter is coming!
- Hut! Dracarys!
- TRE: Hut!
- JAYCEN: Run it. Run it.
- (GARY ROARING)
CHIP: What's going on here?
- Follow him!
- TRE: I'm open! I'm open!
- He's gettin' the ball.
- Run it, run it.
Lock him off, lock him off.
CHIP: She's passing
to the midget!
Wait for it. Now!
Throw that bitch,
Ghost! Let it go!
CHIP: What the f...
Who's she throwing it to?
JAYCEN: America
loves an underdog.
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)
The slept on.
The little guy.
The one no one believes
can achieve greatness.
Good catch! Get to the house!
Tackle him! Tackle him!
JAYCEN: But you know
what they love more?
Nothin'.
Because watchin' underdogs win
is some seriously
inspiring shit.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Fuck!
Yes! I did it!
I did it!
Oh, my...
- Tony.
- (SOBS)
Fuck!
Fuck!
JAYCEN: But watching them
lose in devastating fashion...
It was right there.
(EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
You all right?
JAYCEN: Well, that shit turns
out to be even more inspiring.
Aye, at least you
held on to that titty.
(TRE CHUCKLES)
JAYCEN: Fuck the scoreboard.
Fuck the cheap-ass
plastic trophy.
Fuck the bitch-ass,
punk-ass bitches
that think they better than you.
Ain't nothin' to be
sad about, Titties.
Y'all played y'all
asses off today.
From the moment I came out here
as y'all coach till today,
y'all made me proud.
Y'all made me a different man.
I love y'all.
Keep your head up. Come on,
your family wanna see you.
- Let's go.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
One little bullshit -
ass setback ain't nothin'
after a lifetime of
bullshit-ass setbacks.
- That's all right, baby.
- We love you!
Heads up, heads up!
It's okay!
Yeah.
Wow.
WOMAN: Put that chin up.
Way to go, superstar.
Superstar?
What can I say? I'm a Jedi
mind-trickin' mothafucker.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Love you, Coach.
- I love you too, son.
Go celebrate.
CHIP: Champions again!
Champions again!
(SIGHS) All right, y'all.
You know what's happenin'. We
gotta go shake their hands,
- let's go.
- (TEAM GROANING)
CHIP: Offense doesn't
win championship!
Defense doesn't
win championship!
- Coaching wins championships!
- Yo, Coach.
Oh.
Good game.
(HEARTACHES BY ARNEVILLE PLAYING)
Thank you. Good game, Coach.
Got a talented group here.
Aye, but don't get
it twisted though.
We gonna fuck you
mothafuckers up next season.
No cap.
(TEAM CHEERING)
(HEARTACHES BY ARNEVILLE CONTINUES PLAYING)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
What if I...
told you, hypothetically...
I was really proud of you.
I would say you
was feelin' me...
hypothetically, of course.
Right.
(CHERISE CHUCKLES)
You still smoke?
(CHERISE CHUCKLES)
JAYCEN: One defeat doesn't
mean you're defeated.
That shit only makes
an underdog hungrier.
Hungrier for the next
opportunity to defy the odds
and come back
stronger than ever.
Because, you see,
the true power of the underdog
is that they never let
themselves be beat.
And at the end of the day,
right there is the definition
of ultimate
mothafuckin' greatness.
(HEARTACHES BY ARNEVILLE CONTINUES PLAYING)
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
(CAPTIVATING MUSIC PLAYING)
(ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAIDBACK HIP-HOP
MUSIC PLAYING)