The Walking Deceased (2015) Movie Script
I'm here on the ground where a group
of what the White House
is now officially calling
the walking dead
are what I'm officially coining
brain feasting.
Now full disclosure. I've been absolutely
warned against coming here
and have signed a liability release
in the case I am ravaged on camera.
News 13, consider this
my interview for lead anchor.
We are now confirming
the virus raping humanity
is in fact a simple case of a restaurant
employee not washing his hands,
then preparing sushi gloveless
for a group of homeless men
invited in after raiding the dumpster.
This restaurant will not be passing
its next health inspection.
Excuse me, sir. Where were you
when the outbreak began?
We're live, so please don't cuss.
Shit! Shaun, we gotta go.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
I'm a dumb-ass.
Even for a dead guy, this is stupid.
A hospital? Why the hell did I drag
my cinder-block feet in here?
There's no food, no living people.
Everyone dies and rots
on their own in hospitals.
The living treat us
like second-class citizens.
They've coined us what we
consider racial slurs...
zombies, walkers,
travelers, shufflers.
We're the new gingers,
soulless and shunned.
My zigga. Man, I was really hoping
for a pumping heart.
Poor guy hasn't remastered speech yet.
I'm getting there.
'Sup?
Well, sort of.
So? Everybody my age had...
Oh, shit.
All right, my man's got two choices.
One, charge straight at this guy
and hope he misfires.
Then he can chow down.
Or two, he can do the dumb thing
and try to reason with him.
See, we're somehow inexplicably
regaining our humanity.
Judging by our greeting, this guy
isn't very far along in the process.
Go with option one, buddy.
- Bad move.
- Good shot.
- Ain't computer programming, kid.
- Outnumbered. I'll skip this meal.
...if you learn, like, C++,
HTML, just like the basics...
I knew that was a bad analogy
when I said it. Let's go. Vmonos.
- Any specifics?
- I don't know. Let's find some shit.
Looks like they bounced pretty quick.
This place is, like, fully stocked.
Just get somethin'.
We don't got much time.
- Do you have diabetes?
- No. You find any...
No, there's no porn.
This is a hospital, not a sperm bank.
Keep looking. It's important.
I always wanted to pee on one of these.
- Can we hustle, Usain?
- Yes!
- Vmonos!
- Coming.
You get that blue, Heisenberg?
No. Stop calling me that.
That's, like, super close...
Carl!
Living or dead?
Speak English, or you're headless,
you son of a bitch!
- Ain't computer programming, kid.
- You know, that's actually not...
Carl.
Carl!
Speak English, or you're headless,
you son of a bitch!
Lower your weapons.
Be a lot more intimidating if you had
more than a finger gun there, chief.
Sheriff.
Oh, God. Looks like some
sort of mass-murder crime scene.
How long was your slumber?
- God, it's like staring at the sun.
- Don't look at it, gay wad.
I can't stop. It's like a fri...
Oh, my God.
It's like the two dried grapes
at the end of a branch.
- Boots first? Interesting choice.
- And wide-open asshole.
Whole gang came to play.
That redefines chode.
I don't know if these are my boots!
- That is a tiny, tiny coma dick.
- Yeah.
What happened?
You get in a shootout or something?
Take a bullet for your partner
like a bad-ass?
Last thing I remember...
- Daddy? You're gonna watch me bat, right?
- Oh, absolutely, Chris.
I'm just gonna... gonna go over here
and get a hot dog while you're on deck.
- All right, buddy?
- I'm gonna hit a homer for you.
Okay, you do that.
I'm 150% confident in you, Chris.
Hot dog! Get your hot dogs!
Hot hot dogs!
All right, boys, pile in!
- Give me one of them wieners.
- Daddy, look!
Nice. Yeah. Keep goin', Chris!
Good swing, follow through!
Fundamentals, that kind of shit!
- Strike!
- It's right on the tee, buddy!
- Go, Chris!
- Strike two!
Gotta swing through it. It's on the tee!
Hit the ball on the tee!
- Come on, Chris!
- Strike three!
Would you goddamn hit the ball?!
Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris...
He's out!
Kid sounds like a real big pussy.
- No offense.
- Hey, baseball's just not his...
Yeah, he's a real big pussy.
Somebody tell me what the hell's
going on here.
- Kind of hard to explain.
- Is it, though?
No, it ain't.
It's the goddamn zombie apocalypse.
World has gone crazy.
#ReasonsIHateZombies
was the number one trend on Twitter
- before the Internet went out.
- Truth.
Is a zombie in a yellow shirt ironic?
#ShitIGotNothing.
Stop reading my tweets, Jane.
Stepmoms are bitches.
You're telling me...
that there's no more Twitter?
- Yeah.
- There's no more @TheRealSheriffLincoln?
It's gone.
Instagram?
No. No, no...
- Pinterest?
- No Tumblr.
LinkedIn?
- Yeah, yeah. LinkedIn's still there.
- Nobody uses that.
Well, hey, man, we are shacked up
at a mall, couple of other people.
- We're surviving, so if you want to come...
- I gotta go find my family.
- Ain't too many people left out there.
- Yeah, and judging by that baseball story...
- Hey, my family is alive, all right?
- Okay.
I know it. My wife is smart.
She used to fend for herself
all the time at work.
- Well, good luck with that, Dep.
- Sheriff.
Deputy Sheriff.
- Just Sheriff.
- Just Sheriff.
Well, we're gonna get these supplies
back to our people.
If and when you find your family,
Sheriff, we're there.
You know, I was gonna throw
this little piece of shit away, but...
seems like maybe you could use it.
Sure hope that long nap of yours
didn't cause your aim to be off.
Every damn shot is precious.
Junior here has lost more
than I can count.
Thank you. Junior?
- Green Bay.
- Green Bay.
- Chicago.
- Those your legal names?
- No, we go by our favorite...
- Styles of pizza.
- Chicago, Brooklyn, Green Bay.
- Green Bay style pizza?
- Frozen.
- All right, all right, I get it.
If I run into a gay fat guy
named DiGiorno Stuffed Crust,
send him your way.
That was a joke.
Did humor get killed off
in the apocalypse, too?
No, I think it died
about five seconds ago.
Good luck, y'all.
Sure hope to see you later.
That was weird.
Oh, what up, girl?
Definitely got some blood flowing now.
Mall? I could do that.
Possible Cinnabon leftovers,
but also people who want
to blow my brains out.
Cinnabon and hot girl win.
Little girl?
Sweetheart? Where's your parents?
First zombie kill's gonna be a toddler.
I'm not a zombie.
I can't find my mommy and daddy.
That's exactly what a zombie would say.
- Have you seen my daughter?
- I did.
Clever assholes.
That Sheriff's as good as dead.
What? I'm sure he can fend for himself.
They're trained for this.
Did they add zombie apocalypse training
to the police academy before the outbreak?
Good thing, because they
totally kept us safe.
Jesus, you two fight way too much to end up
together like everyone expects you to.
I'm gonna check the gennies.
Keep those sticky fingers to yourself
while we were gone, little sis?
No, hell, no. Little silent monk
tried to take my arrows.
Hey, Chicago, man,
check under the pillows.
Keep your damn hands
in your Polly pockets.
Was it a pretty fruitful run?
Yeah. Figured it was only a matter of time
before one of these chicks get prego.
Well, she's barely 14,
and I'd rather screw a zombie
than any of you, so I think we're good.
Hey, y'all give any thoughts
on that farm idea?
- Rumor has it, ain't no walkers out there.
- Safe havens don't exist. They're mirages.
There's nothing pure left in this world.
- Also check the gennies!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're just upset about the Selena Gomez
cardboard cutout incident?
It was late. I was lonely.
It looked real. Drop it.
I, for one, think that we should go
to the farm, you know.
This place...
This place sucks,
and there could be some food there.
I, for one, could go
for a scenery change.
Only reason I ever came
to this mall was for Rico's, and...
now that it's gone,
ain't no reason to be here.
- Looks like it's up to you, chickenshit.
- Fine. Whatever.
I'm in, but we're goin' tomorrow.
I'm tired, and I want to sleep.
You just want
one more night with Selena.
Baby?
I'm home.
Carl?
Carl?
It's Daddy. I'm okay, son. How you been?
Anyone home?
Zombie!
Well, if anything was gonna
get you off the bottle, son,
it's a goddamn zombie apocalypse.
Daddy, I went to work with Mommy.
We hide there.
Love you. Miss you, Chrissy.
P.S. Sorry about your coma.
I struck out.
I gotta take a shit.
Damn, I wish I could still
ride my bike...
but nope. It's just me
and my floppy-ass feet.
'Sup, guys? Please don't follow me.
You'll blow up my spot.
Shit, they can't hear
my inner monologue.
No. Go away.
All they want to prove is that they're
changing for the better, but no sane person
will see it that way,
not while they're in a huge mob.
Nope. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Damn it, stay back. This is not a party.
Please stop following me.
You're just gonna be
a massive dead cock-block.
Main stage costs canned goods.
Champagne room is a handgun, minimum.
There's no sex in the champagne room.
All right,
so what's it gonna be, asshole?
- Dad?
- Carl?
- Who?
- Put the gun down, son.
- You're alive.
- Yeah, I'm alive. I'm alive, Carl.
Carl.
Sorry I batted you into a coma.
It's okay. Just gotta choke up
on the bat next time, all right?
Actually, I used that bat to kill my first
zombie. Remember my girlfriend, Kayla?
Girlfriend? I remember you
playing dolls with her and stuff,
but you didn't finger her
or anything, did you?
She's headless now.
Grown up a lot since then.
- Obviously you have.
- I'm a small business owner now.
That dipshit manager, Scott, was dead
when Mom and I got here a month ago,
but I figured people still need
entertainment... so I kept it open.
Found a generator in the storage closet,
so we have power.
I mean, it's a little dirty, but brains
are a pain in the ass to scrub.
I gotta hand it to you, Carl.
This is one hell of a business. I mean...
hey, look at that chick on the pole, man.
I think she's got eyes for me.
I'm proud of you, Carl.
Who? Wait.
You had another son from this?
No, no, I... it's this coma thing.
It must have messed me up.
Your mom, she... Oh, God.
- Didn't turn, did she?
- Hell, yeah, she turned.
She turned in new moves.
All right, watch this.
And now we welcome to the main stage
our only living girl!
Shut the hell up! How many times
do I have to tell you?
My beautiful mother... Barbie.
- I been waiting all day for this!
- Show us those living tits!
Hey, that's my wife!
Chris! Chris!
Hey! Freaking wanker!
Don't you get it? No touching!
Baby?
Darlin'!
What the hell? That was my last can
of beans, and all we get to do is watch?
- Baby. I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry I left you.
- I forgive you.
It was just overrun, that hospital.
We just had to barricade your door
and just pray you were gonna be okay.
- I'm okay!
- Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
Bet that's the only time
that's been said from the pole.
Ed, you fat lard, get over to the bar,
and help yourself
- to a big fat bowl of shut the fuck up!
- Language, Chris!
Baby, we're way beyond language
being a problem here.
Is there going to be a show or what?
We've been waitin' hours to see her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys!
Show is over, all right?
Now go find another place
to waste your life.
We'll just go back to the Winchester.
Their happy hour isn't complete shite
like this fine establishment!
Oh, no!
Oh, my God, honey. Stay with me.
Oh, not your boob!
There's gotta be something we can do!
Somebody do something!
God, I wasn't talking about that!
I was talking about
cutting her boob off!
Nobody pays top dollar
to see a one-boob stripper.
Oh, no, no!
No!
No!
It's the world we live in now.
Take a minute. Breathe deep.
I gotta go put out an ad
for a headliner with double Ds.
- Try Craigslist.
- Oh, yeah, and here's your Colt.
Didn't want some douche-bag doctor
stealing it whilst you were coma-ed out.
You're a good shot, son.
It's funny? I couldn't hit a ball off
a tee before the apocalypse, and now...
I can get a bullet between
the eyes like it's nothing.
It's fucking hilarious!
Listen up.
I met these two guys at the hospital.
They're camped out at the mall.
Bald redneck and jumpy little shit
that shoots like a girl?
- Yeah, that's them.
- They came in here once.
Redneck was motorboating Mom,
so I kicked their asses out.
All right.
- We're gonna hit the mall then.
- You think this place can just run itself?
You're 12 years old. You shouldn't
even know about strip joints!
So now you want to be my dad!
Where you been when I needed you?
I was in a fucking coma because of you!
- We're heading to the mall.
- Fine.
We'll load everything in my truck out back.
I could drive now. Tossed my V-card, too.
One for my homeboys.
Let's hit it.
All right, have a good watch.
Front entrance is clear, just some
kid zoms dragging Build-A-Bears.
I loved my Build-A-Bear.
He had a cape and a baseball cap.
His name was Super Shortstop, 'cause he
was like half the size of the other bears.
- Supes adorbs.
- How have you survived so long?
Don't fall asleep.
I want at least four hours.
Copy that.
- Enjoy your swimsuit edition.
- It's a hunting magazine, obviously.
There's dead deer and blood and guts
and fishhooks and manly stuff.
- All right, whatever you say, little bitch.
- For the record, I hate that nickname.
So... close.
Almost there.
I can smell Abercrombie.
It's giving me a headache from here,
and my brain barely even works.
Oh, no, that's good.
Be my... be my valentine.
No, don't touch down there.
Don't touch. Not there! Stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna go do a round.
Sleep tight. I'll keep us safe.
Yes, sleep, child.
Now don't listen to Brooklyn.
"Spring Breakers" was amazing,
although I do wish you would've shown
your boobies. Was that weird?
But I respect your purity,
no matter what.
I cannot wait for the day
that we can have these heart-to-hearts
without this pane of glass between us.
Just really wanted some moment and...
Jesus.
Figured there'd be a breach
with Shotgun Susan on watch!
You see anything while you were
cleaning up your mess?
- It wasn't near me. It was...
- Must've been from the other side.
Brooklyn, you come with me.
We'll check the front.
Y'all three go around,
check the side entrance.
God damn, Harlem.
You ain't doing good
for your city stereotype.
Hey!
- You think she's just silent for no reason?
- You comin' at me, Slick?
- No, Slick, but listen...
- No. Did you double-Slick me?
This whole ordeal has been so traumatic
for her that she can't speak anymore.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Yes, I do. I'm doing it for you.
This is a terrible hiding spot.
No, don't.
Louder entrance than I would've liked,
but it's hard to push open sliding doors
with zero motor skills.
Hope they didn't get the wrong idea.
Just be confident.
Girls like confidence.
But on second thought,
I think I'm just gonna hang back.
Like way back.
Holy shit, this is sexy.
God damn it. Hero time.
Smell... like shit.
Hot... zombie.
Want... to bang.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
That's so sweet. Wait!
- What the hell for?
- He saved me.
Saved you? Are you crazy? Are you bit?
No, asshole.
Get your dart gun out of my face.
So let me get this straight.
You, a dead-ass walker,
saved the life of your food
like some sort of vegan zombie?
What's your name, Romeo?
Romeo.
Yeah, that's what... that's what I said.
What's your name?
Romeo.
- Romero?
- He said, "Romeo."
That's so romantic and so dangerous,
but your unrequited
and superficial love for me
totally overcome the very instinct
that keeps you alive.
Y'all okay? Who's this pale,
"Twilight" -looking douche?
It's Romeo. He saved my life,
and he's staying with us.
Hell, no, he ain't. He's a walker.
Think about it. Think about it.
If he's changing, maybe they all are.
He can convince them not to eat us
long enough for him to turn fully human,
and I can get in those dirty jeans.
You want us to risk keeping him around
'cause you're horny?
Yes, absolutely.
We could cut his stupid little zombie
jaw off. He wouldn't bite us then.
That ain't a bad idea.
Chop off them gangly arms of his
so he can't grab us.
And then we could hang our bags
on his skinny-ass neck.
You're not touching him. Where's Harlem?
She's with Green Bay
guarding the entrance.
Only a matter of time
before we get swarmed again.
Whatever.
So... does your sister have,
like, a type of guy that...
I knew it. Awesome.
Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.
I take her to that little,
like, Italian joint,
like the tables there
in the food court... Shit!
Here! Camouflage yourself.
No? Okay. I don't know.
Something here...
Hey, I know that guy. It's cool.
He was in a coma for, like, a month,
and he survived with no food and no water,
and he didn't shit himself,
which is astounding.
Lower your guns.
And your toys, homeless boy.
- Carl...
- Chris.
Yeah, whatever. They're okay.
- Good to see you, Sheriff.
- Can't say I'm glad to see you...
- Mr. "Put it on my tab. I'm good for it."
- Shit.
Can somebody lock up
before this turns into a real party?
Do it, cheesecake.
You boys got Jim or Jack?
I just shot my mother.
I could use a stiff drink.
Nice mall.
Hey, is there a Linen 'n Things in here?
- Let's go, Carl.
- Chris.
Yeah. Thanks for remembering.
Well, it's not a Holiday
Inn Express, but it'll do.
Who's this fricking guy?
- Romeo.
- Romero? Like...
Romeo.
And he saved me from a group attack
while you were shooting out windows.
What's wrong with him?
He's special, can't speak well,
very emotionally damaged,
- and super hot.
- He looks like dead E.T.
He's a hero, and he's staying with us.
- Ain't got the space.
- Camp's not big enough.
And he can share my sleeping bag.
It's not a problem.
Darnell, I see you.
- Did y'all know each other before the outbreak?
- Fate brought us together.
By fate, I mean I was at a gas station
looking for some porn.
Portable reading material.
And old sissy shit shooter almost took off
my head thinking I was a zombie.
Lucky enough for me, he's about
as good a shot as Helen Keller,
her being a woman and all.
Felt sorry for the kid. Thought he might
need some extra protection.
Yeah, he'd be dead. So where'd
you meet the girls and dart boy?
Those little bitches?
Bang.
You know you don't have
to make the sound effects.
- Makes it easier that way.
- No, it doesn't.
Got the dexterity of a cloven hoof.
You're terrible.
Bang.
- Guns, keys, no questions.
- Gun.
Don't have keys. Maxi pads
in the bathroom with the toilet paper.
There might be some Ritz crackers.
One question.
- Can I keep my birth beads, please?
- John freakin' McClane.
Whatever you say, little bitch.
That's mean. Oh, come on.
- I'm sorry, man.
- You're gonna make me lose my hair, kid.
Darnell, well, he was holed up here
when we got here.
- Ever found that titty mag?
- Still searching.
Did have a pretty romantic night with a
Coldwater Creek catalog, though. Twice.
All right, well, let me know.
Balls just dropped, and...
the only nonrotten hooters I seen
in the last month were my mom's.
Will do, kid.
Ain't nothin' wrong with your mom's
boobs, baby. All right? Hey.
Brooklyn and I have this,
like, fifth-grade relationship
where she's, like, mean to me
'cause she likes me.
Harlem thinks I should go for it.
At least, I think she does.
She doesn't talk, kind of like you.
Brooklyn tells me you're, like, special,
Something... like... that.
That's incredible, man.
I so, like, admire your courage
and your, like, will to survive
with... your dis... disability.
Sheriff and I talked it through.
We're leaving.
Hold up. What?
Who's gonna assume leadership?
My instinct says Brooklyn,
but I will step up if...
No, Nancy! We mean we're moving on
from the mall, all of us.
Your instincts are way off.
You never defer leadership to a woman.
I'm sorry. Did you forget who robbed you
blind right in front of your eyes?
- Not sure that's as insulting as you think.
- Hey!
This is not a democracy.
The decision's been made.
We're heading to the farm.
So which one of you is the dictator?
- Me.
- Me.
I guess it's one of them di-archy.
That was a steel toe.
- Pack it up!
- Gather your things.
- We're moving out in an hour.
- Make it 55 minutes.
- 45 minutes, we're gone.
- Change of plans. 30 minutes.
- We're leaving right now.
- We should have left five minutes ago.
I'll lead the way.
I know the country roads best.
- But I got a bigger truck.
- Agree to disagree.
- Shut your vagina holes.
- We got company!
- Stand down! Stand down!
- We're not the walking dead!
We're just on a Zombie Walk!
We are ZALARPing.
- Zalarpine?
- ZALARPing!
What?
Zombie Apocalypse
Live Action Role Playing.
That's like pretending to be Jewish
in the Holocaust.
We're just trying to see
how the other half lives.
Then get on with it somewhere else.
Let's go. We're moving out.
Come on, buddy.
Hustle it up. Hustle it up.
- Y'all drive safe.
- We will. Thanks.
Hey, Gene. You can get up now.
Hey, you guys hear rumors
about that super survivor?
Super survivor?
Rumor has it he's drifting
place to place...
- waxing zombies.
- What do you mean, like bikini wax?
No, man, whack, like the mob.
World needs a hero like that
more than ever.
Who the hell do you hear a rumor from?
You're around the same people all the time.
You know what?
I don't have to answer myself to you.
For all I know, you're the one
telling me the rumors.
Did you ever think of that,
you little Rice Krispie treat?
What?
Green Bay, you know
with your seat selection,
you have set a whole
new precedent for cock blocking.
You are literally blocking Romeo's...
while figuratively blocking your own.
- Ain't cool, man.
- Romeo's cool, right, bro?
- Guess... so.
- Man of few words.
Probably follow his lead, little squirt.
Your talking sure ain't getting
your Mont Blanc in her Moleskein.
- Moleskine.
- Your brat in her buns?
- Your pin in my cushion?
- Somebody shit their pants?
That you? You ever take a bath?
- Like before the zombie apocalypse?
- Gun in my holster?
- Pencil in her sharpener?
- Plug in my socket?
You guys know the sixth most
deadly weapon?
Crossbow.
And you know what number five is? Spoon.
You're freaking me out.
Just stare out the window or something.
God damn it!
I think they just hit a zombie.
Hit a zombie.
I will tell you my first zombie kill story.
So I was at the bowling alley...
...so I shot one.
- What about you, Green Bay?
- Brakes.
- That don't make any sense.
- Put your foot on the brakes!
- Shit, son, speak up!
- You had half a mile!
Think we're here.
Safe Haven Ranch.
Darnell, lower your weapon. Listen up,
we don't know who these people are.
They seem welcoming enough,
but we don't know their true intentions.
It's a different world we live in now.
We don't know what they had to do
to survive or what they became,
so keep your guard up, everyone.
- I was about to say the same damn thing.
- But you didn't.
These could be cannibals.
They could be hoarding zombies
in a barn somewhere or starting a cult.
That seems far-fetched.
They could be serial killers
using the zombie apocalypse
as an elaborate cover for murdering
everybody that comes here.
Kind of defeats the point. It's already
apocalypse, so why be a serial killer?
- Could be giant spiders.
- He makes a good point on the spiders...
- You never know. You never know.
- ...so with that said, let's be on our toes,
but be benevolent, be vigilant.
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Safe Haven Ranch.
Afternoon, sir. I can assure you
we're here to cause no trouble.
I'm Sheriff Lincoln.
Well, howdy there, Detective.
My name is Abraham.
- Sheriff.
- Sheriff.
That's quite a knife
you got there, Abraham.
Don't mind old Betsy here.
She's just used in the barn.
I was on my way there
when I saw y'all pull up.
Hey, y'all thirsty?
My wife just made some Kool-Aid.
Kool-Aid.
Sarah, honey? Would you be so kind
as to bring out your special Kool-Aid?
- We have visitors.
- I'm more a Hi-C guy myself, but let's go.
Come on up to the house.
God, oh, my God.
Crazy old man, knives, makes Kool-Aid.
This is gonna be a bloodbath.
We're completely isolated
from the dangers of the city.
Untouched, nobody around for miles.
You don't mind us asking,
how have you stayed infection-free?
Well, we wash our hands.
Although we have had an illness
in the family here recently.
- Sarah, sweetie. All our guests have come.
- Oh, honey, hi.
I was show...
Well, hello. Welcome, everyone.
Such a big crowd we got here.
- Yes, ma'am. Sorry to impose.
- Oh, it's no imposition. Don't be silly.
We welcome everyone here with open arms.
I just made some Kool-Aid.
Would you like some?
- Green Bay here loves Kool-Aid.
- Oh, no, not...
He loves that sweet,
sweet powdery drink.
- No, you're thinking of Pixy Stix.
- Never seen you eat a Pixy Stix.
Abraham, put that thing down.
People are gonna think we're crazy.
- I forgot.
- Or crazier.
You have a grandson?
Good heavens, you make me feel old.
No, that's our daughter, Isaac.
Your daughter, Isaac?
She made that before the illness,
long time ago.
- She's real talented.
- So will y'all be joining us for dinner?
It's gonna be good food.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, but... we don't allow
strangers to use this door.
- Go around to the side, please.
- Of course.
Okay.
- We're gonna die.
- Hope they got beets.
Yeah, we'll meet you around there.
It'll be easier.
- I'll go get us another chicken.
- Oh, good idea. Good idea.
Hustle it up, Romeo.
Heavenly Father, we thank thee
for the abundance...
Dear Jesus, please don't let
Father Abraham notice my corpse fingers
and realize that I am in fact dead.
Also, please make me human again. Amen.
...and for our guests,
may they find rest in their travels,
and help us to find a pair of gloves
for this young man sitting next to me,
- whose hand feels like dry ice.
- Yikes.
Do you have anything
you would want to add, son?
Thanks... for... the peas.
- In Jesus' name, amen.
- Okay, everybody dig in.
Seriously?
Green Bay, dive on in.
Oh, no, no, no. I insist, ma'am.
You first. Ladies first.
Don't be absurd.
You're our guests. You're first.
Not that I would even know if I were being
poisoned, you know, being dead and all.
Well, Abraham, Sarah,
your daughter Isaac, she's...
We'd rather not discuss her illness.
We don't want you
to catch her... her bug.
So, everybody, eat up.
Save room for dessert.
I've got some special pie
with my secret ingredient.
Sounds delicious.
What is the... secret ingredient?
I can't tell you that.
If I do, then the whole neighborhood
will be putting in orders.
Raw sugar. I'm only one
slice away from diabetes myself.
I'm afraid some of you
might have to sleep on the floor.
I don't think I have enough beds
and couches for everyone.
It's quite all right, Sarah.
We plan on making a camp outside
tonight. Thank you very much.
Actually, shotgun guest bedroom
if it's available.
You got it.
- I have back issues. No.
- More like privacy issues.
Wherever y'all decide
to sleep is fine with us.
- Just make sure you clean up your mess.
- Nonsense.
These hands have seen
every kind of mess there is.
To any living soul,
especially Selena Gomez,
we have left this mall
in search of Safe Haven Ranch.
Also, I've left my list
of my rules for survival.
So they're totally crazy, right?
Consensus on that?
They are definitely hiding
something in there.
Yeah, their daughter.
Wouldn't be surprised if she's chained
to a bed, growing sludge.
- They sure are nice people, aren't they?
- Yeah, they do seem to be.
Rumor has it there's been people out there
like them waiting for the cure.
I'd bet my bow on it.
Not exactly a happy chip to play there,
Katniss, but point taken.
And who exactly are you hearing
those rumors from?
Guess you ain't never
heard of a tracker.
They want us dead.
I can feel it. We need a plan.
I just hope we made
a good first impression.
Your little angel heart is incapable
of making a bad impression.
Let's make a preemptive assault,
catch 'em in their sleep.
Jesus, kid.
They're a combined 200 years old.
We ain't gotta channel
SEAL Team Six or nothing.
- Felt that reference coming.
- I think we should wait until the morning
to do anything.
I could use a good night's sleep.
Or at least a warm body
to share my sleeping bag with.
Half chub? I got a half chub. I'm alive!
I guess I'll go take first watch.
There's nobody around here
worried about anything.
I'm actually colder next to you.
Those creepy old assholes try anything,
at least someone will be ready.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
It's a good idea, Carl.
- I'll stay up with you for a while.
- Chris.
You can call me Dad, son.
Get some sleep, Pops.
Nope.
Thank you for the hypothermia
and poison Kool-Aid, Father Abraham.
- My hair gets poofy if I don't towel-dry.
- You smell like lilacs.
Yeah, I do, because they infuse it
into their homemade soap.
Enjoy smelling like homeless butthole
and sleeping on dirt, bitches.
Kate Upton, I will paint
your body someday.
Hello?
Father Abraham?
Sarah?
Brooklyn?
You guys hear that? Hey, wake up!
- Dad? Wake up!
- Carl.
Let's get in there
and save that little pussy.
- Should we, though?
- Yeah, we should. Come on.
Weird dude.
- Rape!
- No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Stop it!
- Who are you?
- I'm a guest of your parents!
My parents don't have guests.
Why are you here?
We were traveling outside the city, and we
heard that your farm or ranch or whatever
was a safe haven,
which it totally says that it is.
I'm with, like, a huge group.
They have a camp outside.
Did you not see them?
They have, like, a roaring campfire.
- I have night blindness.
- Oh, my God, me, too.
- Why are you inside?
- I have back issues.
- Me, too.
- Really?
Good God, dude!
Are you torqued right now?
You're way hotter than I thought
you were gonna be and also not dead.
What are you guys doing in here?
We're here to save your ass
from that zombie bitch.
- Don't say that word in here!
- Yeah, she's not a B.
- No, the Z word.
- Why?
My parents don't know
the world has turned to shit.
- How is that possible?
- They never leave the property.
They don't have a TV,
and they don't listen to the radio.
I mean, I turn it on once a day
just to see if anything's changed.
I love this song.
- And you haven't told them, because...
- Have you seen how old they are?
I mean, they would literally
have a heart attack
if they knew they weren't
taken in by the Rapture.
So where have you, like,
been this whole time?
We totally thought
you were a zom... a Z.
Your parents kept talking
about your "illness."
I don't have an illness.
I just got into a little fight with them
'cause they caught me smoking a ganj.
With...
with marijuana?
Totally cool, tubular. Like, yeah.
Do that stuff all the time.
I didn't used to. I mean, I just started
after I saw some of that shit.
You can say that again, Janis.
Joplin?
I mean, if that reference is too young
for you, she was a huge stoner.
- It ain't funny if you have to explain it.
- You get it.
So your parents found out and shunned you
or something? That's pretty harsh.
My parents are pretty old-fashioned. Staying
in the barn just keeps them off my back.
How long are you guys
planning on staying?
We hadn't really...
We kind of thought that your parents
were crazy killers hiding Z...
Zom... Z's, so...
Sorry I freaked you out.
You probably thought I was some,
like, zombie rapist or s...
- The scummiest of all the Z-words.
- Right. Only living rape for me.
- Cut and run, kid.
- That was a joke.
I would never... Like, rape is bad.
I'm not a raper... rapist.
I would never... I haven't even...
You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and...
never recovering from that one.
- Good morning, everybody.
- Morning.
I just wanted to thank you for being
the biggest cock-block ever last night!
I'm sorry, princess.
Hey, did you say your prayers?
Yeah, always. I assume you didn't.
Kind of explains your attitude
towards life and everything.
- Tea bag?
- Oh, my God.
Nope.
- Well, good morning, everyone.
- Morning, Abraham.
Still got his toys, I see.
Well, this looks like the beginning
of another beautiful day,
another blessing from our God in heaven.
We would like to introduce you
to our daughter Isaac.
She's feeling better,
and she wanted to meet you.
What's up, everybody? Nice day.
Hi. So very nice to meet you
for the first time ever.
Y'all are welcome to stay for as long
as you like, but if you're going to,
I'd like to ask you if you could
kind of help out around here a little.
My back's beginning to feel its age,
and, of course, Isaac is a little limited,
- being a woman and all.
- He's right. My place is in the kitchen.
We're more than happy to help out, Abraham.
Whatever we gotta do to earn our keep.
Actually, we could use quite
a bit of help sowing our oats
and gathering up brush and firewood.
Lucky for you, I am very good
at sowing my own oats.
- Oh, that's great.
- Tea bag?
I always liked this better as a parable.
Yeah, well... at least we're not running
from brain-thirsty a-holes.
You can't be brain-thirsty.
You don't drink brains, idiot!
Ease up on the kid, Brook.
I'm sure you can squeeze
some juice from a nice ripe brain.
Clearly you're unaware of his supreme
ability to be a huge little bitch.
Well, he seems manly enough to me.
He can sow his oats like a pro.
Prepare for disappointment
when it comes to shooting off on time
or in the right direction.
You seem especially gritchy today,
Brooklyn. You stressed?
- Need a release?
- Not if you have anything to do with it.
I think I can help. I do know a place
that can be a great stress relief.
- I ain't opposed. Romeo?
- I'm... super stressed.
Whatever it is, I'm in.
Welcome to my stress ball.
Come on in.
- Not what I expected.
- Impressed, though.
Props, farm girl.
I... prefer... meth.
Kidding.
I... yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I definitely always... always...
always prefer to... to... to...
to relieve stress, like... with...
with that... with... with drugs.
It's... it's my... thing.
Yeah?
- What you got in there?
- It's my own special blend.
I call it Hash of the Living Dead.
That's actually kind of creative.
Holy shit.
If I had a working brain,
I'm sure this would be awesome.
Jesus, let me help you, brother.
I shall call you Lebong James.
All right, nobody touch me.
I'm gonna get weird.
No one's, like...
like, died from this, right? It's...
- Dude, don't bogart that bong.
- Let's try secondhand the first time.
No. Bad idea. Good God.
It... it...
It's like... it's...
the world is kind of...
- It's, like, swirly.
- Swirly? Yeah.
It's like... kind of like fro-yo when you do
the two mix. Know what I mean?
- Frozen yogurt.
- Oh, my God.
I want fro-yo so bad right now.
Yeah.
Feel like I'm in a...
giant womb of skin suits.
That sounded so cool.
Like angels clapping.
Pretty sounds make me happy.
Weird. Didn't know you could
hallucinate on the ganj.
This is actually the clearest
my mind has been in weeks.
My least favorite thing
in the entire world is a Twinkie.
Hate Twinkies. Twinkies. Hate Twinkies.
Where's Green Boy?
Symphonious calamity!
Guaranteed A-Rod, McGwire, the Rock,
all survived 'cause of steroids.
- What the hell was that?
- Obviously fireworks, dipshit.
Okay, that was at the barn. Let's go.
Holy F-word S-word.
Did you guys see those fireworks?
Stress relieved.
Damn, kid. If I am not in love
with you right now...
That... shit was dope, Green Man.
I was just doing me, man, just doing me.
Do you.
What was that? Warning shot?
- You been infected?
- Answer!
Dude, we're just baked.
Hey!
Enough with the violence, Chris. I mean,
did Mandela's death mean nothing?
Tupac and Biggie nothing?
Can't we just find some kind
of peaceful resolution?
What in the name of seventh heaven
have you done?
Don't you know we're under severe
water restrictions and fire warnings?
- This drought is serious!
- That was, like, 15 years ago.
Well, I guess it's about time to renew
our newspaper subscription.
I'll go into town tomorrow.
- You have any idea how loud that was?
- I dunno.
That must have been audible for miles.
Oh, my God. You guys saw
those pretty sky flowers, too?
Isaac, what is wrong with you?
You look like you've been doing drugs.
Mother, trust me. We totally have.
Suuuuper-duper stoned.
For the record, I will say it.
It was awesome.
Kids still shouldn't do it.
Just a little PSA for you two lovebirds.
I see that chemistry, though.
Isaac, this is not okay!
- Who the hell is that?
- Where? What...
It looks like old Hank,
our next-farm neighbor.
He sure is walking funny.
You all right there, Hank?
He ain't all right. Let me do him.
Why are you playing with a child's toy?
We've actually been wondering that
for, like, a real long time.
Hey! Like you should talk.
Shooting contest, you and me, right now!
Oh, Jesus. That'd be like
watching a WNBA game.
No, Hank! No!
Son, you know what you just did?
I just killed a zombie that was about
to rip your leg off, you crazy old man.
Hey! Carl! Show some respect.
- What's a zambie?
- A zombie.
Everyone outside this farm
has been infected by a crazy virus.
- People are eating each other out there.
- And my buzz is completely gone.
- Thank you, Hank.
- God rest his soul!
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be.
I just found out myself,
came out of a coma a couple days ago.
Whole world was gone.
Isaac, why have you kept this from us?
I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you,
'cause I thought...
She thought it'd be
too much for you to take.
I can't believe that you're doing drugs!
Oh, God, forgive us!
We have failed as parents!
Mother, Papa, I am so, so sorry.
Did they not hear the whole
zombie apocalypse thing or...
- That's some pretty selective hearing.
- Sucks for your girlfriend.
Oh, my God. Will you quit that shit
for five seconds?
I'm sorry I'm not Rambo, and I wasn't
prepared for the freaking zombie apocalypse
like everybody else apparently was.
Yeah, I can't shoot. I'm sorry.
Get off my back! You and your sister
are complete assholes!
The only reason that we keep you around
is because you're hot, and she's a child!
I'm a teenager, fart face!
Swear to Christ, little girl.
If you open your mouth one more time,
I will rip that zombie's jaw off
and sink its teeth into your neck!
Wait. Did you just talk? I thought you were,
like, too traumatized to speak, or...
She was a mute.
- Use a real weapon, damn it!
- That's how walkers talk.
She's deaf, you mega asshole...
cowboy asshole, dipshit little bitch!
How have you guys not noticed?
Are you all that self-absorbed?
- How does she know what we're saying then?
- She can read lips, you idiot!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Everyone calm down!
- Whatever, man. This is freaking bullshit.
- So what's the plan, Sheriff?
I mean, I thought this was some kind
of a diaphragm or whatever.
Di-archy.
You just got high with a bunch
of college-age kids.
I don't respect your opinion
as a leader anymore.
Hey, hey, hey, Carl!
That's enough! That's enough!
We're losing our humanity here?
Let's take a page
out of Romeo's playbook.
Keep it calm.
Fine.
Sheriff, I guess you're the sheriff now.
- I always was.
- Fine, Chief.
Sheriff.
And why don't you...
get your goddamn Kid Rock,
Kenny Chesney, poser-ass hat
off my Stetson?
All right, listen up. I said listen up!
Do I have your attention now?
Everyone look away! Look away!
All right, look back!
Now, obviously this place
isn't untouched anymore.
Right? It's just a matter of time
before that fence is breached.
They will swarm.
The way I see it is we got two choices.
One, we could do the smart thing
and run like the pussies we are.
Or we could stand our ground and protect
these sweet, innocent old people
and their hot stoner daughter
from the infection and the inevitable
invasion of the walking dead
and the living dead
and all sorts of dead,
which we may or may not have
brought here through stoner fireworks.
I'm all for battle, but us versus
a town full of zombies,
- that sounds pretty damn stupid.
- Then there it is. We stay.
I mean, it is our fault
that they're getting through, so...
Was I the one baked and going all
Fourth of July out in this janky barn?
Oh, wait, no. No, that was you guys.
Where the hell is little Romeo, anyway?
Not you, stroke face.
Green Bay. Where's Green Bay?
- Looking... for girl.
- Well, go find him then.
He's just making it worse.
Take your time, buddy.
All right, spread out.
Do something official.
I'm gonna look for...
any evidence of...
I'm looking for a roach.
Oh, boy. I know exactly
where this is going.
- Hey... where's your girl?
- Man, I don't know how to get to her.
I mean, I know girls
want their space or whatever,
but I gotta get inside somehow.
I can't go to her parents. They hate me.
I know... what to do.
Right. I'm gonna just knock. That's...
God!
Dude.
- What the hell?
- Hey, Isaac.
Dude, uncool. If you break the window,
I'm gonna get blamed for it,
and I'm already in deep shit.
It... was me.
What's your name again?
- Romeo.
- Romero? Like George?
- No. Romeo, like...
- You're kidding me. That's even better.
Yes, not kidding. Okay, one,
sorry I disturbed your peace. My bad.
Two, we have a pretty
looming problem out here.
The portal in the fence that's letting
dead people in? Haven't forgot about that.
- We're staying... to help fight.
- Okay. Now get me out of here.
But, see, I'd rather you stay inside,
like away from... safe.
Can't this bitch
just sneak out the window?
Okay, okay. On it. Just...
Too... awkward.
Agreed.
What do you want, son?
You and your friends are no longer
welcome in this beautiful home
that my grandfather built
with his own two hands,
that I restored into the lovely summer
cottage that you're looking at before you.
When this is all over with, you should
start a bed-and-breakfast, but...
these zombies, they're coming.
They're rabid. They don't stop.
You guys can survive a little while in here,
but eventually you're gonna need supplies.
We can fix the fence.
By the way, that was Hank's fault.
We can do everything we can out here
to hold them off, but we need Isaac.
What part of "no" do you not understand?
She's in enough trouble as it is.
You and your people haven't
exactly been a good influence on her.
Look, sir, we gotta go. There's no time.
This is literally life or death. All I need
is five minutes, just five minutes.
10 minutes, that's all you get.
- Okay?
- Okay, yeah. That sounds good.
Just a minute.
What's the password?
Is it... Father Abraham had many sons
And many sons had Father Abraham?
You may pass.
Isaac? Isaac, are you decent?
No. I've gotten completely naked
since we last talked.
- Okay.
- I was being sarcastic.
- I know. Okay. Let's go.
- Okay.
Heavenly Father, just as you protected
David against Goliath, watch over us.
- Help us to rise up with strength.
- Yes, Father.
- We will fight with all we can.
- Hell, yeah.
And please speak to Isaac's heart
about her irresponsible use of marijuana.
- Please, God.
- In Jesus' name, amen.
Amen.
All right, I say we head out
to the west side, check that out first.
Carl, binoculars.
Chris.
Yeah, there they are just waiting.
Better to fight 'em here in the trees.
We should draw 'em here to us.
So just let them charge us
like a Civil War battle?
They got teeth. We got guns.
And Darnell's shooty thingy.
- So you can't shoot?
- I mean, I can shoot.
- Just most of the time, you miss.
- Yeah, that's the gist of it.
These living-dead douche bags
are easier to kill than you think.
How's that?
Well, for some reason,
their skulls are super soft.
I mean, I'm talking newborn-baby soft.
Guns are guns, but I guess there's more
than one way to kill the living dead.
Extremely convenient.
That is true.
Let's draw them in.
Hey! Hey! Over here!
Look at my neck!
You want to bite this?
Hey!
- You guys ready?
- No. I'm out of bullets.
Shit. All right, reload, reload!
Damn it!
All right.
Let's do it! Yeah!
You should try inner monologue.
It'd be really great
to actually hear your voice.
What was that?
- It's coming from the porch.
- Oh, my God! The stoners are here!
- What are they doing here?
- Sarah, be quiet. You'll attract more.
They probably smell your stew,
and it's giving them the whatchamacallits.
Munchies, Father.
- Take Mom to my old room.
- I am not leaving you here.
Damn it, Dad! Take her to my old room!
You watch your language, young lady.
Hey, we can take these assholes.
Yeah, and you can do it without a gun.
- Soft skulls, you say?
- The softest.
Check this.
Awesome. Oh, shit.
I got an idea.
Nickelback!
What?
They make me want to blow my brains out.
Figured it might do the trick. Come on.
- Suck it!
- Yes!
Wait.
Hey, handsome... "Cloud Atlas,"
"Inception," and "Pan." Explain.
That was awesome.
Isaac? Isaac?
Come to your old bedroom,
which is now the guest room! Now!
Oh, shit. I bet they found my old bong.
- Or my magazine.
- Come on!
If you haven't heard already, the world's
top scientists have finally found a cure
for the disease and have released it
into the water supply.
Pretty obvious solution.
Surprised nobody thought of it before.
Anyway, the President released a statement
urging everyone to turn their sprinklers on.
Meanwhile, there's still no cure
for Miley Cyrus.
- Hey! Hey, come on!
- Hey!
Hey!
I got him.
No, I got him. I got him. I got him.
Oh, hell, yeah.
I was only five feet away that time.
For the love of God, man, use a gun.
Hey, that's that wanderer guy!
- I told you the rumors were true.
- Then why the hell'd you shoot him?
Oh, shi... oh, shit.
I was... I was just loading
the thing. I mean...
- It was already loaded!
- I know that now, Captain Obviouses!
Yeah. That's why I use this.
Darnell, what the hell you doing?
- Go getting my arrows.
- You got 20 in your fanny pack!
God damn it, would you get off me?
I just murdered a man.
Look out!
Oh, my God!
No!
Carl, take the shot if you got one.
I ain't got one!
My fucking name is Chris!
Oh, my God!
Save me. You can amputate it.
Holy shit. That was hot.
Guys, guys, come back to the house!
Come back to the house!
Don't have to tell me again.
Come on.
- God, finally.
- It's inevitable, isn't it?
I wonder how the blood flow
is down there.
- I want to be with you forever.
- I'm sorry. What?
Our love... will bind us for eternity.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
How do I get out of this?
Bite me...
hard.
Oh, thank God.
- That was easy.
- Now we can be dead together.
I can't wait to tell Harlem.
- What's going on?
- What's going on with the feathers?
- I'll explain those later.
- Chicken zombies?
- Hey, guys! Guess what?
- What?
- Romeo and I are together.
- That's news.
Whatever that means.
Look, they found a cure.
- What?
- No bullshit.
They confirmed it last week.
They dumped the cure in the water.
It cures zombies on contact,
gets in through their bites,
through their sores,
any open wounds they might have.
- Butthole?
- What? Really?
And here I thought love
was making me human.
- Apparently it hurts like a son of a bitch...
- Anything in the butthole does.
You regain consciousness. You're coming
alive. Who can complain about that?
Damn it!
So basically we just wait here
till they come by, and then we douse 'em.
I'm gonna go ahead and test this theory.
Yep, it stings.
You branded yourself? That's like
the sexiest, most hard-ass thing ever!
Well, that was the worst cover-up
I've ever heard.
- You totally knew.
- Branded, my ass. You been bit. When?
- About three weeks ago.
- Wait. This whole time?
- You been a zombie this whole time?
- You been deaf this whole time?
- Good God.
- And you, too!
No. Mine just happened
a few minutes ago.
- Anyone else?
- Holy shit, that's unpleasant!
Oh, my God!
Can I go back to being a zombie?
Matching bites. That's cute.
I can't believe I didn't realize
you were a zombie until just now.
I guess I was just blinded
by how panty-melting hot you are.
You're very hot, too.
Wanted to tell you that for a while.
You're a super bitch,
but you're also super hot.
We got company. Spray lead.
What the hell are you doing?
They're better.
Damn, girl.
Let me holler at you for a sec.
You make those healing legs
look hella good.
Yeah. I swear, Green Bay,
if you cock-block me right now, I will...
My man. "Penthouse"? "Playboy"?
"Maxim"? Swimsuit edition?
Freaking L.L. Bean? What?
- God bless, you are desperate. No.
- God damn!
Yeah, the Reaganites had a huge porn stash
in their bedside table. Come on, dude.
I jacked one of Isaac's
birth-control pills,
antifungal cream for whatever
disgusting zombie STD she's carrying,
and a pocket bible for when you realize
just how badly you need Jesus.
And there's a Coldwater Creek
from, like, 1972 in the bathroom
if you really have to go that far.
- You brought me birth control, kid?
- I got you.
Love you, bro.
All right. Now why don't you show me
where you got bit?
I think I might be married.
I only run from the words
"I think I might be..."
that's followed by the word "pregnant."
Now let's get that blood flowing.
Don't be afraid to make
the first move, son.
And I know you're beyond your years,
but you're still a kid,
so go ahead and give her a kiss.
- I love you, Chris.
- Love you too, Pops.
- Sorry for almost killing you and...
- It's okay.
- ...killing Mom.
- Well, she was a bitch.
- I'm gonna have some issues.
- Yes, you will. Yes, you will.
What'd you do to your hair?
There you are, sweetie.
Oh, give me a hug.
- Good to see you, too.
- Oh, my sweet girl.
- I love you, Mom.
- Love you, too, honey.
- Let's go to my room.
- To the barn?
No. Haven't you heard?
I moved back in with my parents.
- So embarrassing.
- Hey, just blame it on the economy.
- That's what I do every single time.
- Come on.
- We have to get this off. Come on.
- It's still bloody. It's still...
Are you okay?
Good God!
- Kiss me!
- You smell so terrible!
So do you. Let's do this.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God...
- Wait.
- What? No. What? Wait?
Hope you didn't have any plans
for Memorial Day.
NASA has just announced
that an asteroid the size of Texas
is on a direct path to Earth.
The end of the world is here again.
Shit!
On the bright side, till that happens,
we got nothing but commercial-free
music lined up,
and Justin Bieber
kicking it all off next!
Yes, I do. I'm doing it for you.
Well, lucky enough for me, he's about
as good a shot as Helen Keller,
her being blind and all. No.
Her being a woman and all. I'm sorry.
I started compiling zombie... Stop it!
God!
I'm so sorry.
- So your parents found out...
- Yeah.
So your pounts found...
- Man...
- Hold on. Sorry! Emily was in.
Emily, can you clear the shot?
- My place is in the kitchen.
- We're more than helpy to happ out.
Damn! Too good. Ready?
- Why isn't the ice working?
- It's the left one.
No, I did it.
- And print it.
- Shit.
You know, I was gonna throw this
little piece of shit away, but...
Piece of shit away, but...
Clever assholes.
- Fuck! Jeez, guy.
- Cut!
- Sheriff.
- Sheriff.
Goddamn zombies on bicycles.
And...
Line.
By the way, that was Hank's fault.
Do you guys live near an airstrip?
Sorry. I wish we'd just cut
this crap off.
Hold it up.
You guys see that plane?
Could be a zombie plane attack!
I just killed a zombie
that was about to...
I just killed a zombie
that was about to bout your...
Sucks for your girlfriend.
We're losing our humanity here!
Let's take a pa... I got you, dog.
Let's take a page from Romeo's...
Let's take a page...
Be quiet now. Be quiet.
They probably s-smell your stew,
and it's giving them
the munchies or something.
- Sorry.
- Let's take that again. That's okay.
Okay.
- I cleaned up a mess once.
- I'll make a mess on your face.
- She'll clean it up.
- Very handy that way.
Sounds like we should have went
to the airport instead of this farm.
That is a...
They got flights going out all the time.
of what the White House
is now officially calling
the walking dead
are what I'm officially coining
brain feasting.
Now full disclosure. I've been absolutely
warned against coming here
and have signed a liability release
in the case I am ravaged on camera.
News 13, consider this
my interview for lead anchor.
We are now confirming
the virus raping humanity
is in fact a simple case of a restaurant
employee not washing his hands,
then preparing sushi gloveless
for a group of homeless men
invited in after raiding the dumpster.
This restaurant will not be passing
its next health inspection.
Excuse me, sir. Where were you
when the outbreak began?
We're live, so please don't cuss.
Shit! Shaun, we gotta go.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
I'm a dumb-ass.
Even for a dead guy, this is stupid.
A hospital? Why the hell did I drag
my cinder-block feet in here?
There's no food, no living people.
Everyone dies and rots
on their own in hospitals.
The living treat us
like second-class citizens.
They've coined us what we
consider racial slurs...
zombies, walkers,
travelers, shufflers.
We're the new gingers,
soulless and shunned.
My zigga. Man, I was really hoping
for a pumping heart.
Poor guy hasn't remastered speech yet.
I'm getting there.
'Sup?
Well, sort of.
So? Everybody my age had...
Oh, shit.
All right, my man's got two choices.
One, charge straight at this guy
and hope he misfires.
Then he can chow down.
Or two, he can do the dumb thing
and try to reason with him.
See, we're somehow inexplicably
regaining our humanity.
Judging by our greeting, this guy
isn't very far along in the process.
Go with option one, buddy.
- Bad move.
- Good shot.
- Ain't computer programming, kid.
- Outnumbered. I'll skip this meal.
...if you learn, like, C++,
HTML, just like the basics...
I knew that was a bad analogy
when I said it. Let's go. Vmonos.
- Any specifics?
- I don't know. Let's find some shit.
Looks like they bounced pretty quick.
This place is, like, fully stocked.
Just get somethin'.
We don't got much time.
- Do you have diabetes?
- No. You find any...
No, there's no porn.
This is a hospital, not a sperm bank.
Keep looking. It's important.
I always wanted to pee on one of these.
- Can we hustle, Usain?
- Yes!
- Vmonos!
- Coming.
You get that blue, Heisenberg?
No. Stop calling me that.
That's, like, super close...
Carl!
Living or dead?
Speak English, or you're headless,
you son of a bitch!
- Ain't computer programming, kid.
- You know, that's actually not...
Carl.
Carl!
Speak English, or you're headless,
you son of a bitch!
Lower your weapons.
Be a lot more intimidating if you had
more than a finger gun there, chief.
Sheriff.
Oh, God. Looks like some
sort of mass-murder crime scene.
How long was your slumber?
- God, it's like staring at the sun.
- Don't look at it, gay wad.
I can't stop. It's like a fri...
Oh, my God.
It's like the two dried grapes
at the end of a branch.
- Boots first? Interesting choice.
- And wide-open asshole.
Whole gang came to play.
That redefines chode.
I don't know if these are my boots!
- That is a tiny, tiny coma dick.
- Yeah.
What happened?
You get in a shootout or something?
Take a bullet for your partner
like a bad-ass?
Last thing I remember...
- Daddy? You're gonna watch me bat, right?
- Oh, absolutely, Chris.
I'm just gonna... gonna go over here
and get a hot dog while you're on deck.
- All right, buddy?
- I'm gonna hit a homer for you.
Okay, you do that.
I'm 150% confident in you, Chris.
Hot dog! Get your hot dogs!
Hot hot dogs!
All right, boys, pile in!
- Give me one of them wieners.
- Daddy, look!
Nice. Yeah. Keep goin', Chris!
Good swing, follow through!
Fundamentals, that kind of shit!
- Strike!
- It's right on the tee, buddy!
- Go, Chris!
- Strike two!
Gotta swing through it. It's on the tee!
Hit the ball on the tee!
- Come on, Chris!
- Strike three!
Would you goddamn hit the ball?!
Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris...
He's out!
Kid sounds like a real big pussy.
- No offense.
- Hey, baseball's just not his...
Yeah, he's a real big pussy.
Somebody tell me what the hell's
going on here.
- Kind of hard to explain.
- Is it, though?
No, it ain't.
It's the goddamn zombie apocalypse.
World has gone crazy.
#ReasonsIHateZombies
was the number one trend on Twitter
- before the Internet went out.
- Truth.
Is a zombie in a yellow shirt ironic?
#ShitIGotNothing.
Stop reading my tweets, Jane.
Stepmoms are bitches.
You're telling me...
that there's no more Twitter?
- Yeah.
- There's no more @TheRealSheriffLincoln?
It's gone.
Instagram?
No. No, no...
- Pinterest?
- No Tumblr.
LinkedIn?
- Yeah, yeah. LinkedIn's still there.
- Nobody uses that.
Well, hey, man, we are shacked up
at a mall, couple of other people.
- We're surviving, so if you want to come...
- I gotta go find my family.
- Ain't too many people left out there.
- Yeah, and judging by that baseball story...
- Hey, my family is alive, all right?
- Okay.
I know it. My wife is smart.
She used to fend for herself
all the time at work.
- Well, good luck with that, Dep.
- Sheriff.
Deputy Sheriff.
- Just Sheriff.
- Just Sheriff.
Well, we're gonna get these supplies
back to our people.
If and when you find your family,
Sheriff, we're there.
You know, I was gonna throw
this little piece of shit away, but...
seems like maybe you could use it.
Sure hope that long nap of yours
didn't cause your aim to be off.
Every damn shot is precious.
Junior here has lost more
than I can count.
Thank you. Junior?
- Green Bay.
- Green Bay.
- Chicago.
- Those your legal names?
- No, we go by our favorite...
- Styles of pizza.
- Chicago, Brooklyn, Green Bay.
- Green Bay style pizza?
- Frozen.
- All right, all right, I get it.
If I run into a gay fat guy
named DiGiorno Stuffed Crust,
send him your way.
That was a joke.
Did humor get killed off
in the apocalypse, too?
No, I think it died
about five seconds ago.
Good luck, y'all.
Sure hope to see you later.
That was weird.
Oh, what up, girl?
Definitely got some blood flowing now.
Mall? I could do that.
Possible Cinnabon leftovers,
but also people who want
to blow my brains out.
Cinnabon and hot girl win.
Little girl?
Sweetheart? Where's your parents?
First zombie kill's gonna be a toddler.
I'm not a zombie.
I can't find my mommy and daddy.
That's exactly what a zombie would say.
- Have you seen my daughter?
- I did.
Clever assholes.
That Sheriff's as good as dead.
What? I'm sure he can fend for himself.
They're trained for this.
Did they add zombie apocalypse training
to the police academy before the outbreak?
Good thing, because they
totally kept us safe.
Jesus, you two fight way too much to end up
together like everyone expects you to.
I'm gonna check the gennies.
Keep those sticky fingers to yourself
while we were gone, little sis?
No, hell, no. Little silent monk
tried to take my arrows.
Hey, Chicago, man,
check under the pillows.
Keep your damn hands
in your Polly pockets.
Was it a pretty fruitful run?
Yeah. Figured it was only a matter of time
before one of these chicks get prego.
Well, she's barely 14,
and I'd rather screw a zombie
than any of you, so I think we're good.
Hey, y'all give any thoughts
on that farm idea?
- Rumor has it, ain't no walkers out there.
- Safe havens don't exist. They're mirages.
There's nothing pure left in this world.
- Also check the gennies!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're just upset about the Selena Gomez
cardboard cutout incident?
It was late. I was lonely.
It looked real. Drop it.
I, for one, think that we should go
to the farm, you know.
This place...
This place sucks,
and there could be some food there.
I, for one, could go
for a scenery change.
Only reason I ever came
to this mall was for Rico's, and...
now that it's gone,
ain't no reason to be here.
- Looks like it's up to you, chickenshit.
- Fine. Whatever.
I'm in, but we're goin' tomorrow.
I'm tired, and I want to sleep.
You just want
one more night with Selena.
Baby?
I'm home.
Carl?
Carl?
It's Daddy. I'm okay, son. How you been?
Anyone home?
Zombie!
Well, if anything was gonna
get you off the bottle, son,
it's a goddamn zombie apocalypse.
Daddy, I went to work with Mommy.
We hide there.
Love you. Miss you, Chrissy.
P.S. Sorry about your coma.
I struck out.
I gotta take a shit.
Damn, I wish I could still
ride my bike...
but nope. It's just me
and my floppy-ass feet.
'Sup, guys? Please don't follow me.
You'll blow up my spot.
Shit, they can't hear
my inner monologue.
No. Go away.
All they want to prove is that they're
changing for the better, but no sane person
will see it that way,
not while they're in a huge mob.
Nope. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Damn it, stay back. This is not a party.
Please stop following me.
You're just gonna be
a massive dead cock-block.
Main stage costs canned goods.
Champagne room is a handgun, minimum.
There's no sex in the champagne room.
All right,
so what's it gonna be, asshole?
- Dad?
- Carl?
- Who?
- Put the gun down, son.
- You're alive.
- Yeah, I'm alive. I'm alive, Carl.
Carl.
Sorry I batted you into a coma.
It's okay. Just gotta choke up
on the bat next time, all right?
Actually, I used that bat to kill my first
zombie. Remember my girlfriend, Kayla?
Girlfriend? I remember you
playing dolls with her and stuff,
but you didn't finger her
or anything, did you?
She's headless now.
Grown up a lot since then.
- Obviously you have.
- I'm a small business owner now.
That dipshit manager, Scott, was dead
when Mom and I got here a month ago,
but I figured people still need
entertainment... so I kept it open.
Found a generator in the storage closet,
so we have power.
I mean, it's a little dirty, but brains
are a pain in the ass to scrub.
I gotta hand it to you, Carl.
This is one hell of a business. I mean...
hey, look at that chick on the pole, man.
I think she's got eyes for me.
I'm proud of you, Carl.
Who? Wait.
You had another son from this?
No, no, I... it's this coma thing.
It must have messed me up.
Your mom, she... Oh, God.
- Didn't turn, did she?
- Hell, yeah, she turned.
She turned in new moves.
All right, watch this.
And now we welcome to the main stage
our only living girl!
Shut the hell up! How many times
do I have to tell you?
My beautiful mother... Barbie.
- I been waiting all day for this!
- Show us those living tits!
Hey, that's my wife!
Chris! Chris!
Hey! Freaking wanker!
Don't you get it? No touching!
Baby?
Darlin'!
What the hell? That was my last can
of beans, and all we get to do is watch?
- Baby. I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry I left you.
- I forgive you.
It was just overrun, that hospital.
We just had to barricade your door
and just pray you were gonna be okay.
- I'm okay!
- Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord!
Bet that's the only time
that's been said from the pole.
Ed, you fat lard, get over to the bar,
and help yourself
- to a big fat bowl of shut the fuck up!
- Language, Chris!
Baby, we're way beyond language
being a problem here.
Is there going to be a show or what?
We've been waitin' hours to see her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys!
Show is over, all right?
Now go find another place
to waste your life.
We'll just go back to the Winchester.
Their happy hour isn't complete shite
like this fine establishment!
Oh, no!
Oh, my God, honey. Stay with me.
Oh, not your boob!
There's gotta be something we can do!
Somebody do something!
God, I wasn't talking about that!
I was talking about
cutting her boob off!
Nobody pays top dollar
to see a one-boob stripper.
Oh, no, no!
No!
No!
It's the world we live in now.
Take a minute. Breathe deep.
I gotta go put out an ad
for a headliner with double Ds.
- Try Craigslist.
- Oh, yeah, and here's your Colt.
Didn't want some douche-bag doctor
stealing it whilst you were coma-ed out.
You're a good shot, son.
It's funny? I couldn't hit a ball off
a tee before the apocalypse, and now...
I can get a bullet between
the eyes like it's nothing.
It's fucking hilarious!
Listen up.
I met these two guys at the hospital.
They're camped out at the mall.
Bald redneck and jumpy little shit
that shoots like a girl?
- Yeah, that's them.
- They came in here once.
Redneck was motorboating Mom,
so I kicked their asses out.
All right.
- We're gonna hit the mall then.
- You think this place can just run itself?
You're 12 years old. You shouldn't
even know about strip joints!
So now you want to be my dad!
Where you been when I needed you?
I was in a fucking coma because of you!
- We're heading to the mall.
- Fine.
We'll load everything in my truck out back.
I could drive now. Tossed my V-card, too.
One for my homeboys.
Let's hit it.
All right, have a good watch.
Front entrance is clear, just some
kid zoms dragging Build-A-Bears.
I loved my Build-A-Bear.
He had a cape and a baseball cap.
His name was Super Shortstop, 'cause he
was like half the size of the other bears.
- Supes adorbs.
- How have you survived so long?
Don't fall asleep.
I want at least four hours.
Copy that.
- Enjoy your swimsuit edition.
- It's a hunting magazine, obviously.
There's dead deer and blood and guts
and fishhooks and manly stuff.
- All right, whatever you say, little bitch.
- For the record, I hate that nickname.
So... close.
Almost there.
I can smell Abercrombie.
It's giving me a headache from here,
and my brain barely even works.
Oh, no, that's good.
Be my... be my valentine.
No, don't touch down there.
Don't touch. Not there! Stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna go do a round.
Sleep tight. I'll keep us safe.
Yes, sleep, child.
Now don't listen to Brooklyn.
"Spring Breakers" was amazing,
although I do wish you would've shown
your boobies. Was that weird?
But I respect your purity,
no matter what.
I cannot wait for the day
that we can have these heart-to-hearts
without this pane of glass between us.
Just really wanted some moment and...
Jesus.
Figured there'd be a breach
with Shotgun Susan on watch!
You see anything while you were
cleaning up your mess?
- It wasn't near me. It was...
- Must've been from the other side.
Brooklyn, you come with me.
We'll check the front.
Y'all three go around,
check the side entrance.
God damn, Harlem.
You ain't doing good
for your city stereotype.
Hey!
- You think she's just silent for no reason?
- You comin' at me, Slick?
- No, Slick, but listen...
- No. Did you double-Slick me?
This whole ordeal has been so traumatic
for her that she can't speak anymore.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Yes, I do. I'm doing it for you.
This is a terrible hiding spot.
No, don't.
Louder entrance than I would've liked,
but it's hard to push open sliding doors
with zero motor skills.
Hope they didn't get the wrong idea.
Just be confident.
Girls like confidence.
But on second thought,
I think I'm just gonna hang back.
Like way back.
Holy shit, this is sexy.
God damn it. Hero time.
Smell... like shit.
Hot... zombie.
Want... to bang.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
That's so sweet. Wait!
- What the hell for?
- He saved me.
Saved you? Are you crazy? Are you bit?
No, asshole.
Get your dart gun out of my face.
So let me get this straight.
You, a dead-ass walker,
saved the life of your food
like some sort of vegan zombie?
What's your name, Romeo?
Romeo.
Yeah, that's what... that's what I said.
What's your name?
Romeo.
- Romero?
- He said, "Romeo."
That's so romantic and so dangerous,
but your unrequited
and superficial love for me
totally overcome the very instinct
that keeps you alive.
Y'all okay? Who's this pale,
"Twilight" -looking douche?
It's Romeo. He saved my life,
and he's staying with us.
Hell, no, he ain't. He's a walker.
Think about it. Think about it.
If he's changing, maybe they all are.
He can convince them not to eat us
long enough for him to turn fully human,
and I can get in those dirty jeans.
You want us to risk keeping him around
'cause you're horny?
Yes, absolutely.
We could cut his stupid little zombie
jaw off. He wouldn't bite us then.
That ain't a bad idea.
Chop off them gangly arms of his
so he can't grab us.
And then we could hang our bags
on his skinny-ass neck.
You're not touching him. Where's Harlem?
She's with Green Bay
guarding the entrance.
Only a matter of time
before we get swarmed again.
Whatever.
So... does your sister have,
like, a type of guy that...
I knew it. Awesome.
Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.
I take her to that little,
like, Italian joint,
like the tables there
in the food court... Shit!
Here! Camouflage yourself.
No? Okay. I don't know.
Something here...
Hey, I know that guy. It's cool.
He was in a coma for, like, a month,
and he survived with no food and no water,
and he didn't shit himself,
which is astounding.
Lower your guns.
And your toys, homeless boy.
- Carl...
- Chris.
Yeah, whatever. They're okay.
- Good to see you, Sheriff.
- Can't say I'm glad to see you...
- Mr. "Put it on my tab. I'm good for it."
- Shit.
Can somebody lock up
before this turns into a real party?
Do it, cheesecake.
You boys got Jim or Jack?
I just shot my mother.
I could use a stiff drink.
Nice mall.
Hey, is there a Linen 'n Things in here?
- Let's go, Carl.
- Chris.
Yeah. Thanks for remembering.
Well, it's not a Holiday
Inn Express, but it'll do.
Who's this fricking guy?
- Romeo.
- Romero? Like...
Romeo.
And he saved me from a group attack
while you were shooting out windows.
What's wrong with him?
He's special, can't speak well,
very emotionally damaged,
- and super hot.
- He looks like dead E.T.
He's a hero, and he's staying with us.
- Ain't got the space.
- Camp's not big enough.
And he can share my sleeping bag.
It's not a problem.
Darnell, I see you.
- Did y'all know each other before the outbreak?
- Fate brought us together.
By fate, I mean I was at a gas station
looking for some porn.
Portable reading material.
And old sissy shit shooter almost took off
my head thinking I was a zombie.
Lucky enough for me, he's about
as good a shot as Helen Keller,
her being a woman and all.
Felt sorry for the kid. Thought he might
need some extra protection.
Yeah, he'd be dead. So where'd
you meet the girls and dart boy?
Those little bitches?
Bang.
You know you don't have
to make the sound effects.
- Makes it easier that way.
- No, it doesn't.
Got the dexterity of a cloven hoof.
You're terrible.
Bang.
- Guns, keys, no questions.
- Gun.
Don't have keys. Maxi pads
in the bathroom with the toilet paper.
There might be some Ritz crackers.
One question.
- Can I keep my birth beads, please?
- John freakin' McClane.
Whatever you say, little bitch.
That's mean. Oh, come on.
- I'm sorry, man.
- You're gonna make me lose my hair, kid.
Darnell, well, he was holed up here
when we got here.
- Ever found that titty mag?
- Still searching.
Did have a pretty romantic night with a
Coldwater Creek catalog, though. Twice.
All right, well, let me know.
Balls just dropped, and...
the only nonrotten hooters I seen
in the last month were my mom's.
Will do, kid.
Ain't nothin' wrong with your mom's
boobs, baby. All right? Hey.
Brooklyn and I have this,
like, fifth-grade relationship
where she's, like, mean to me
'cause she likes me.
Harlem thinks I should go for it.
At least, I think she does.
She doesn't talk, kind of like you.
Brooklyn tells me you're, like, special,
Something... like... that.
That's incredible, man.
I so, like, admire your courage
and your, like, will to survive
with... your dis... disability.
Sheriff and I talked it through.
We're leaving.
Hold up. What?
Who's gonna assume leadership?
My instinct says Brooklyn,
but I will step up if...
No, Nancy! We mean we're moving on
from the mall, all of us.
Your instincts are way off.
You never defer leadership to a woman.
I'm sorry. Did you forget who robbed you
blind right in front of your eyes?
- Not sure that's as insulting as you think.
- Hey!
This is not a democracy.
The decision's been made.
We're heading to the farm.
So which one of you is the dictator?
- Me.
- Me.
I guess it's one of them di-archy.
That was a steel toe.
- Pack it up!
- Gather your things.
- We're moving out in an hour.
- Make it 55 minutes.
- 45 minutes, we're gone.
- Change of plans. 30 minutes.
- We're leaving right now.
- We should have left five minutes ago.
I'll lead the way.
I know the country roads best.
- But I got a bigger truck.
- Agree to disagree.
- Shut your vagina holes.
- We got company!
- Stand down! Stand down!
- We're not the walking dead!
We're just on a Zombie Walk!
We are ZALARPing.
- Zalarpine?
- ZALARPing!
What?
Zombie Apocalypse
Live Action Role Playing.
That's like pretending to be Jewish
in the Holocaust.
We're just trying to see
how the other half lives.
Then get on with it somewhere else.
Let's go. We're moving out.
Come on, buddy.
Hustle it up. Hustle it up.
- Y'all drive safe.
- We will. Thanks.
Hey, Gene. You can get up now.
Hey, you guys hear rumors
about that super survivor?
Super survivor?
Rumor has it he's drifting
place to place...
- waxing zombies.
- What do you mean, like bikini wax?
No, man, whack, like the mob.
World needs a hero like that
more than ever.
Who the hell do you hear a rumor from?
You're around the same people all the time.
You know what?
I don't have to answer myself to you.
For all I know, you're the one
telling me the rumors.
Did you ever think of that,
you little Rice Krispie treat?
What?
Green Bay, you know
with your seat selection,
you have set a whole
new precedent for cock blocking.
You are literally blocking Romeo's...
while figuratively blocking your own.
- Ain't cool, man.
- Romeo's cool, right, bro?
- Guess... so.
- Man of few words.
Probably follow his lead, little squirt.
Your talking sure ain't getting
your Mont Blanc in her Moleskein.
- Moleskine.
- Your brat in her buns?
- Your pin in my cushion?
- Somebody shit their pants?
That you? You ever take a bath?
- Like before the zombie apocalypse?
- Gun in my holster?
- Pencil in her sharpener?
- Plug in my socket?
You guys know the sixth most
deadly weapon?
Crossbow.
And you know what number five is? Spoon.
You're freaking me out.
Just stare out the window or something.
God damn it!
I think they just hit a zombie.
Hit a zombie.
I will tell you my first zombie kill story.
So I was at the bowling alley...
...so I shot one.
- What about you, Green Bay?
- Brakes.
- That don't make any sense.
- Put your foot on the brakes!
- Shit, son, speak up!
- You had half a mile!
Think we're here.
Safe Haven Ranch.
Darnell, lower your weapon. Listen up,
we don't know who these people are.
They seem welcoming enough,
but we don't know their true intentions.
It's a different world we live in now.
We don't know what they had to do
to survive or what they became,
so keep your guard up, everyone.
- I was about to say the same damn thing.
- But you didn't.
These could be cannibals.
They could be hoarding zombies
in a barn somewhere or starting a cult.
That seems far-fetched.
They could be serial killers
using the zombie apocalypse
as an elaborate cover for murdering
everybody that comes here.
Kind of defeats the point. It's already
apocalypse, so why be a serial killer?
- Could be giant spiders.
- He makes a good point on the spiders...
- You never know. You never know.
- ...so with that said, let's be on our toes,
but be benevolent, be vigilant.
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Safe Haven Ranch.
Afternoon, sir. I can assure you
we're here to cause no trouble.
I'm Sheriff Lincoln.
Well, howdy there, Detective.
My name is Abraham.
- Sheriff.
- Sheriff.
That's quite a knife
you got there, Abraham.
Don't mind old Betsy here.
She's just used in the barn.
I was on my way there
when I saw y'all pull up.
Hey, y'all thirsty?
My wife just made some Kool-Aid.
Kool-Aid.
Sarah, honey? Would you be so kind
as to bring out your special Kool-Aid?
- We have visitors.
- I'm more a Hi-C guy myself, but let's go.
Come on up to the house.
God, oh, my God.
Crazy old man, knives, makes Kool-Aid.
This is gonna be a bloodbath.
We're completely isolated
from the dangers of the city.
Untouched, nobody around for miles.
You don't mind us asking,
how have you stayed infection-free?
Well, we wash our hands.
Although we have had an illness
in the family here recently.
- Sarah, sweetie. All our guests have come.
- Oh, honey, hi.
I was show...
Well, hello. Welcome, everyone.
Such a big crowd we got here.
- Yes, ma'am. Sorry to impose.
- Oh, it's no imposition. Don't be silly.
We welcome everyone here with open arms.
I just made some Kool-Aid.
Would you like some?
- Green Bay here loves Kool-Aid.
- Oh, no, not...
He loves that sweet,
sweet powdery drink.
- No, you're thinking of Pixy Stix.
- Never seen you eat a Pixy Stix.
Abraham, put that thing down.
People are gonna think we're crazy.
- I forgot.
- Or crazier.
You have a grandson?
Good heavens, you make me feel old.
No, that's our daughter, Isaac.
Your daughter, Isaac?
She made that before the illness,
long time ago.
- She's real talented.
- So will y'all be joining us for dinner?
It's gonna be good food.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Excuse me, but... we don't allow
strangers to use this door.
- Go around to the side, please.
- Of course.
Okay.
- We're gonna die.
- Hope they got beets.
Yeah, we'll meet you around there.
It'll be easier.
- I'll go get us another chicken.
- Oh, good idea. Good idea.
Hustle it up, Romeo.
Heavenly Father, we thank thee
for the abundance...
Dear Jesus, please don't let
Father Abraham notice my corpse fingers
and realize that I am in fact dead.
Also, please make me human again. Amen.
...and for our guests,
may they find rest in their travels,
and help us to find a pair of gloves
for this young man sitting next to me,
- whose hand feels like dry ice.
- Yikes.
Do you have anything
you would want to add, son?
Thanks... for... the peas.
- In Jesus' name, amen.
- Okay, everybody dig in.
Seriously?
Green Bay, dive on in.
Oh, no, no, no. I insist, ma'am.
You first. Ladies first.
Don't be absurd.
You're our guests. You're first.
Not that I would even know if I were being
poisoned, you know, being dead and all.
Well, Abraham, Sarah,
your daughter Isaac, she's...
We'd rather not discuss her illness.
We don't want you
to catch her... her bug.
So, everybody, eat up.
Save room for dessert.
I've got some special pie
with my secret ingredient.
Sounds delicious.
What is the... secret ingredient?
I can't tell you that.
If I do, then the whole neighborhood
will be putting in orders.
Raw sugar. I'm only one
slice away from diabetes myself.
I'm afraid some of you
might have to sleep on the floor.
I don't think I have enough beds
and couches for everyone.
It's quite all right, Sarah.
We plan on making a camp outside
tonight. Thank you very much.
Actually, shotgun guest bedroom
if it's available.
You got it.
- I have back issues. No.
- More like privacy issues.
Wherever y'all decide
to sleep is fine with us.
- Just make sure you clean up your mess.
- Nonsense.
These hands have seen
every kind of mess there is.
To any living soul,
especially Selena Gomez,
we have left this mall
in search of Safe Haven Ranch.
Also, I've left my list
of my rules for survival.
So they're totally crazy, right?
Consensus on that?
They are definitely hiding
something in there.
Yeah, their daughter.
Wouldn't be surprised if she's chained
to a bed, growing sludge.
- They sure are nice people, aren't they?
- Yeah, they do seem to be.
Rumor has it there's been people out there
like them waiting for the cure.
I'd bet my bow on it.
Not exactly a happy chip to play there,
Katniss, but point taken.
And who exactly are you hearing
those rumors from?
Guess you ain't never
heard of a tracker.
They want us dead.
I can feel it. We need a plan.
I just hope we made
a good first impression.
Your little angel heart is incapable
of making a bad impression.
Let's make a preemptive assault,
catch 'em in their sleep.
Jesus, kid.
They're a combined 200 years old.
We ain't gotta channel
SEAL Team Six or nothing.
- Felt that reference coming.
- I think we should wait until the morning
to do anything.
I could use a good night's sleep.
Or at least a warm body
to share my sleeping bag with.
Half chub? I got a half chub. I'm alive!
I guess I'll go take first watch.
There's nobody around here
worried about anything.
I'm actually colder next to you.
Those creepy old assholes try anything,
at least someone will be ready.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
It's a good idea, Carl.
- I'll stay up with you for a while.
- Chris.
You can call me Dad, son.
Get some sleep, Pops.
Nope.
Thank you for the hypothermia
and poison Kool-Aid, Father Abraham.
- My hair gets poofy if I don't towel-dry.
- You smell like lilacs.
Yeah, I do, because they infuse it
into their homemade soap.
Enjoy smelling like homeless butthole
and sleeping on dirt, bitches.
Kate Upton, I will paint
your body someday.
Hello?
Father Abraham?
Sarah?
Brooklyn?
You guys hear that? Hey, wake up!
- Dad? Wake up!
- Carl.
Let's get in there
and save that little pussy.
- Should we, though?
- Yeah, we should. Come on.
Weird dude.
- Rape!
- No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Stop it!
- Who are you?
- I'm a guest of your parents!
My parents don't have guests.
Why are you here?
We were traveling outside the city, and we
heard that your farm or ranch or whatever
was a safe haven,
which it totally says that it is.
I'm with, like, a huge group.
They have a camp outside.
Did you not see them?
They have, like, a roaring campfire.
- I have night blindness.
- Oh, my God, me, too.
- Why are you inside?
- I have back issues.
- Me, too.
- Really?
Good God, dude!
Are you torqued right now?
You're way hotter than I thought
you were gonna be and also not dead.
What are you guys doing in here?
We're here to save your ass
from that zombie bitch.
- Don't say that word in here!
- Yeah, she's not a B.
- No, the Z word.
- Why?
My parents don't know
the world has turned to shit.
- How is that possible?
- They never leave the property.
They don't have a TV,
and they don't listen to the radio.
I mean, I turn it on once a day
just to see if anything's changed.
I love this song.
- And you haven't told them, because...
- Have you seen how old they are?
I mean, they would literally
have a heart attack
if they knew they weren't
taken in by the Rapture.
So where have you, like,
been this whole time?
We totally thought
you were a zom... a Z.
Your parents kept talking
about your "illness."
I don't have an illness.
I just got into a little fight with them
'cause they caught me smoking a ganj.
With...
with marijuana?
Totally cool, tubular. Like, yeah.
Do that stuff all the time.
I didn't used to. I mean, I just started
after I saw some of that shit.
You can say that again, Janis.
Joplin?
I mean, if that reference is too young
for you, she was a huge stoner.
- It ain't funny if you have to explain it.
- You get it.
So your parents found out and shunned you
or something? That's pretty harsh.
My parents are pretty old-fashioned. Staying
in the barn just keeps them off my back.
How long are you guys
planning on staying?
We hadn't really...
We kind of thought that your parents
were crazy killers hiding Z...
Zom... Z's, so...
Sorry I freaked you out.
You probably thought I was some,
like, zombie rapist or s...
- The scummiest of all the Z-words.
- Right. Only living rape for me.
- Cut and run, kid.
- That was a joke.
I would never... Like, rape is bad.
I'm not a raper... rapist.
I would never... I haven't even...
You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and...
never recovering from that one.
- Good morning, everybody.
- Morning.
I just wanted to thank you for being
the biggest cock-block ever last night!
I'm sorry, princess.
Hey, did you say your prayers?
Yeah, always. I assume you didn't.
Kind of explains your attitude
towards life and everything.
- Tea bag?
- Oh, my God.
Nope.
- Well, good morning, everyone.
- Morning, Abraham.
Still got his toys, I see.
Well, this looks like the beginning
of another beautiful day,
another blessing from our God in heaven.
We would like to introduce you
to our daughter Isaac.
She's feeling better,
and she wanted to meet you.
What's up, everybody? Nice day.
Hi. So very nice to meet you
for the first time ever.
Y'all are welcome to stay for as long
as you like, but if you're going to,
I'd like to ask you if you could
kind of help out around here a little.
My back's beginning to feel its age,
and, of course, Isaac is a little limited,
- being a woman and all.
- He's right. My place is in the kitchen.
We're more than happy to help out, Abraham.
Whatever we gotta do to earn our keep.
Actually, we could use quite
a bit of help sowing our oats
and gathering up brush and firewood.
Lucky for you, I am very good
at sowing my own oats.
- Oh, that's great.
- Tea bag?
I always liked this better as a parable.
Yeah, well... at least we're not running
from brain-thirsty a-holes.
You can't be brain-thirsty.
You don't drink brains, idiot!
Ease up on the kid, Brook.
I'm sure you can squeeze
some juice from a nice ripe brain.
Clearly you're unaware of his supreme
ability to be a huge little bitch.
Well, he seems manly enough to me.
He can sow his oats like a pro.
Prepare for disappointment
when it comes to shooting off on time
or in the right direction.
You seem especially gritchy today,
Brooklyn. You stressed?
- Need a release?
- Not if you have anything to do with it.
I think I can help. I do know a place
that can be a great stress relief.
- I ain't opposed. Romeo?
- I'm... super stressed.
Whatever it is, I'm in.
Welcome to my stress ball.
Come on in.
- Not what I expected.
- Impressed, though.
Props, farm girl.
I... prefer... meth.
Kidding.
I... yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I definitely always... always...
always prefer to... to... to...
to relieve stress, like... with...
with that... with... with drugs.
It's... it's my... thing.
Yeah?
- What you got in there?
- It's my own special blend.
I call it Hash of the Living Dead.
That's actually kind of creative.
Holy shit.
If I had a working brain,
I'm sure this would be awesome.
Jesus, let me help you, brother.
I shall call you Lebong James.
All right, nobody touch me.
I'm gonna get weird.
No one's, like...
like, died from this, right? It's...
- Dude, don't bogart that bong.
- Let's try secondhand the first time.
No. Bad idea. Good God.
It... it...
It's like... it's...
the world is kind of...
- It's, like, swirly.
- Swirly? Yeah.
It's like... kind of like fro-yo when you do
the two mix. Know what I mean?
- Frozen yogurt.
- Oh, my God.
I want fro-yo so bad right now.
Yeah.
Feel like I'm in a...
giant womb of skin suits.
That sounded so cool.
Like angels clapping.
Pretty sounds make me happy.
Weird. Didn't know you could
hallucinate on the ganj.
This is actually the clearest
my mind has been in weeks.
My least favorite thing
in the entire world is a Twinkie.
Hate Twinkies. Twinkies. Hate Twinkies.
Where's Green Boy?
Symphonious calamity!
Guaranteed A-Rod, McGwire, the Rock,
all survived 'cause of steroids.
- What the hell was that?
- Obviously fireworks, dipshit.
Okay, that was at the barn. Let's go.
Holy F-word S-word.
Did you guys see those fireworks?
Stress relieved.
Damn, kid. If I am not in love
with you right now...
That... shit was dope, Green Man.
I was just doing me, man, just doing me.
Do you.
What was that? Warning shot?
- You been infected?
- Answer!
Dude, we're just baked.
Hey!
Enough with the violence, Chris. I mean,
did Mandela's death mean nothing?
Tupac and Biggie nothing?
Can't we just find some kind
of peaceful resolution?
What in the name of seventh heaven
have you done?
Don't you know we're under severe
water restrictions and fire warnings?
- This drought is serious!
- That was, like, 15 years ago.
Well, I guess it's about time to renew
our newspaper subscription.
I'll go into town tomorrow.
- You have any idea how loud that was?
- I dunno.
That must have been audible for miles.
Oh, my God. You guys saw
those pretty sky flowers, too?
Isaac, what is wrong with you?
You look like you've been doing drugs.
Mother, trust me. We totally have.
Suuuuper-duper stoned.
For the record, I will say it.
It was awesome.
Kids still shouldn't do it.
Just a little PSA for you two lovebirds.
I see that chemistry, though.
Isaac, this is not okay!
- Who the hell is that?
- Where? What...
It looks like old Hank,
our next-farm neighbor.
He sure is walking funny.
You all right there, Hank?
He ain't all right. Let me do him.
Why are you playing with a child's toy?
We've actually been wondering that
for, like, a real long time.
Hey! Like you should talk.
Shooting contest, you and me, right now!
Oh, Jesus. That'd be like
watching a WNBA game.
No, Hank! No!
Son, you know what you just did?
I just killed a zombie that was about
to rip your leg off, you crazy old man.
Hey! Carl! Show some respect.
- What's a zambie?
- A zombie.
Everyone outside this farm
has been infected by a crazy virus.
- People are eating each other out there.
- And my buzz is completely gone.
- Thank you, Hank.
- God rest his soul!
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be.
I just found out myself,
came out of a coma a couple days ago.
Whole world was gone.
Isaac, why have you kept this from us?
I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you,
'cause I thought...
She thought it'd be
too much for you to take.
I can't believe that you're doing drugs!
Oh, God, forgive us!
We have failed as parents!
Mother, Papa, I am so, so sorry.
Did they not hear the whole
zombie apocalypse thing or...
- That's some pretty selective hearing.
- Sucks for your girlfriend.
Oh, my God. Will you quit that shit
for five seconds?
I'm sorry I'm not Rambo, and I wasn't
prepared for the freaking zombie apocalypse
like everybody else apparently was.
Yeah, I can't shoot. I'm sorry.
Get off my back! You and your sister
are complete assholes!
The only reason that we keep you around
is because you're hot, and she's a child!
I'm a teenager, fart face!
Swear to Christ, little girl.
If you open your mouth one more time,
I will rip that zombie's jaw off
and sink its teeth into your neck!
Wait. Did you just talk? I thought you were,
like, too traumatized to speak, or...
She was a mute.
- Use a real weapon, damn it!
- That's how walkers talk.
She's deaf, you mega asshole...
cowboy asshole, dipshit little bitch!
How have you guys not noticed?
Are you all that self-absorbed?
- How does she know what we're saying then?
- She can read lips, you idiot!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Everyone calm down!
- Whatever, man. This is freaking bullshit.
- So what's the plan, Sheriff?
I mean, I thought this was some kind
of a diaphragm or whatever.
Di-archy.
You just got high with a bunch
of college-age kids.
I don't respect your opinion
as a leader anymore.
Hey, hey, hey, Carl!
That's enough! That's enough!
We're losing our humanity here?
Let's take a page
out of Romeo's playbook.
Keep it calm.
Fine.
Sheriff, I guess you're the sheriff now.
- I always was.
- Fine, Chief.
Sheriff.
And why don't you...
get your goddamn Kid Rock,
Kenny Chesney, poser-ass hat
off my Stetson?
All right, listen up. I said listen up!
Do I have your attention now?
Everyone look away! Look away!
All right, look back!
Now, obviously this place
isn't untouched anymore.
Right? It's just a matter of time
before that fence is breached.
They will swarm.
The way I see it is we got two choices.
One, we could do the smart thing
and run like the pussies we are.
Or we could stand our ground and protect
these sweet, innocent old people
and their hot stoner daughter
from the infection and the inevitable
invasion of the walking dead
and the living dead
and all sorts of dead,
which we may or may not have
brought here through stoner fireworks.
I'm all for battle, but us versus
a town full of zombies,
- that sounds pretty damn stupid.
- Then there it is. We stay.
I mean, it is our fault
that they're getting through, so...
Was I the one baked and going all
Fourth of July out in this janky barn?
Oh, wait, no. No, that was you guys.
Where the hell is little Romeo, anyway?
Not you, stroke face.
Green Bay. Where's Green Bay?
- Looking... for girl.
- Well, go find him then.
He's just making it worse.
Take your time, buddy.
All right, spread out.
Do something official.
I'm gonna look for...
any evidence of...
I'm looking for a roach.
Oh, boy. I know exactly
where this is going.
- Hey... where's your girl?
- Man, I don't know how to get to her.
I mean, I know girls
want their space or whatever,
but I gotta get inside somehow.
I can't go to her parents. They hate me.
I know... what to do.
Right. I'm gonna just knock. That's...
God!
Dude.
- What the hell?
- Hey, Isaac.
Dude, uncool. If you break the window,
I'm gonna get blamed for it,
and I'm already in deep shit.
It... was me.
What's your name again?
- Romeo.
- Romero? Like George?
- No. Romeo, like...
- You're kidding me. That's even better.
Yes, not kidding. Okay, one,
sorry I disturbed your peace. My bad.
Two, we have a pretty
looming problem out here.
The portal in the fence that's letting
dead people in? Haven't forgot about that.
- We're staying... to help fight.
- Okay. Now get me out of here.
But, see, I'd rather you stay inside,
like away from... safe.
Can't this bitch
just sneak out the window?
Okay, okay. On it. Just...
Too... awkward.
Agreed.
What do you want, son?
You and your friends are no longer
welcome in this beautiful home
that my grandfather built
with his own two hands,
that I restored into the lovely summer
cottage that you're looking at before you.
When this is all over with, you should
start a bed-and-breakfast, but...
these zombies, they're coming.
They're rabid. They don't stop.
You guys can survive a little while in here,
but eventually you're gonna need supplies.
We can fix the fence.
By the way, that was Hank's fault.
We can do everything we can out here
to hold them off, but we need Isaac.
What part of "no" do you not understand?
She's in enough trouble as it is.
You and your people haven't
exactly been a good influence on her.
Look, sir, we gotta go. There's no time.
This is literally life or death. All I need
is five minutes, just five minutes.
10 minutes, that's all you get.
- Okay?
- Okay, yeah. That sounds good.
Just a minute.
What's the password?
Is it... Father Abraham had many sons
And many sons had Father Abraham?
You may pass.
Isaac? Isaac, are you decent?
No. I've gotten completely naked
since we last talked.
- Okay.
- I was being sarcastic.
- I know. Okay. Let's go.
- Okay.
Heavenly Father, just as you protected
David against Goliath, watch over us.
- Help us to rise up with strength.
- Yes, Father.
- We will fight with all we can.
- Hell, yeah.
And please speak to Isaac's heart
about her irresponsible use of marijuana.
- Please, God.
- In Jesus' name, amen.
Amen.
All right, I say we head out
to the west side, check that out first.
Carl, binoculars.
Chris.
Yeah, there they are just waiting.
Better to fight 'em here in the trees.
We should draw 'em here to us.
So just let them charge us
like a Civil War battle?
They got teeth. We got guns.
And Darnell's shooty thingy.
- So you can't shoot?
- I mean, I can shoot.
- Just most of the time, you miss.
- Yeah, that's the gist of it.
These living-dead douche bags
are easier to kill than you think.
How's that?
Well, for some reason,
their skulls are super soft.
I mean, I'm talking newborn-baby soft.
Guns are guns, but I guess there's more
than one way to kill the living dead.
Extremely convenient.
That is true.
Let's draw them in.
Hey! Hey! Over here!
Look at my neck!
You want to bite this?
Hey!
- You guys ready?
- No. I'm out of bullets.
Shit. All right, reload, reload!
Damn it!
All right.
Let's do it! Yeah!
You should try inner monologue.
It'd be really great
to actually hear your voice.
What was that?
- It's coming from the porch.
- Oh, my God! The stoners are here!
- What are they doing here?
- Sarah, be quiet. You'll attract more.
They probably smell your stew,
and it's giving them the whatchamacallits.
Munchies, Father.
- Take Mom to my old room.
- I am not leaving you here.
Damn it, Dad! Take her to my old room!
You watch your language, young lady.
Hey, we can take these assholes.
Yeah, and you can do it without a gun.
- Soft skulls, you say?
- The softest.
Check this.
Awesome. Oh, shit.
I got an idea.
Nickelback!
What?
They make me want to blow my brains out.
Figured it might do the trick. Come on.
- Suck it!
- Yes!
Wait.
Hey, handsome... "Cloud Atlas,"
"Inception," and "Pan." Explain.
That was awesome.
Isaac? Isaac?
Come to your old bedroom,
which is now the guest room! Now!
Oh, shit. I bet they found my old bong.
- Or my magazine.
- Come on!
If you haven't heard already, the world's
top scientists have finally found a cure
for the disease and have released it
into the water supply.
Pretty obvious solution.
Surprised nobody thought of it before.
Anyway, the President released a statement
urging everyone to turn their sprinklers on.
Meanwhile, there's still no cure
for Miley Cyrus.
- Hey! Hey, come on!
- Hey!
Hey!
I got him.
No, I got him. I got him. I got him.
Oh, hell, yeah.
I was only five feet away that time.
For the love of God, man, use a gun.
Hey, that's that wanderer guy!
- I told you the rumors were true.
- Then why the hell'd you shoot him?
Oh, shi... oh, shit.
I was... I was just loading
the thing. I mean...
- It was already loaded!
- I know that now, Captain Obviouses!
Yeah. That's why I use this.
Darnell, what the hell you doing?
- Go getting my arrows.
- You got 20 in your fanny pack!
God damn it, would you get off me?
I just murdered a man.
Look out!
Oh, my God!
No!
Carl, take the shot if you got one.
I ain't got one!
My fucking name is Chris!
Oh, my God!
Save me. You can amputate it.
Holy shit. That was hot.
Guys, guys, come back to the house!
Come back to the house!
Don't have to tell me again.
Come on.
- God, finally.
- It's inevitable, isn't it?
I wonder how the blood flow
is down there.
- I want to be with you forever.
- I'm sorry. What?
Our love... will bind us for eternity.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
How do I get out of this?
Bite me...
hard.
Oh, thank God.
- That was easy.
- Now we can be dead together.
I can't wait to tell Harlem.
- What's going on?
- What's going on with the feathers?
- I'll explain those later.
- Chicken zombies?
- Hey, guys! Guess what?
- What?
- Romeo and I are together.
- That's news.
Whatever that means.
Look, they found a cure.
- What?
- No bullshit.
They confirmed it last week.
They dumped the cure in the water.
It cures zombies on contact,
gets in through their bites,
through their sores,
any open wounds they might have.
- Butthole?
- What? Really?
And here I thought love
was making me human.
- Apparently it hurts like a son of a bitch...
- Anything in the butthole does.
You regain consciousness. You're coming
alive. Who can complain about that?
Damn it!
So basically we just wait here
till they come by, and then we douse 'em.
I'm gonna go ahead and test this theory.
Yep, it stings.
You branded yourself? That's like
the sexiest, most hard-ass thing ever!
Well, that was the worst cover-up
I've ever heard.
- You totally knew.
- Branded, my ass. You been bit. When?
- About three weeks ago.
- Wait. This whole time?
- You been a zombie this whole time?
- You been deaf this whole time?
- Good God.
- And you, too!
No. Mine just happened
a few minutes ago.
- Anyone else?
- Holy shit, that's unpleasant!
Oh, my God!
Can I go back to being a zombie?
Matching bites. That's cute.
I can't believe I didn't realize
you were a zombie until just now.
I guess I was just blinded
by how panty-melting hot you are.
You're very hot, too.
Wanted to tell you that for a while.
You're a super bitch,
but you're also super hot.
We got company. Spray lead.
What the hell are you doing?
They're better.
Damn, girl.
Let me holler at you for a sec.
You make those healing legs
look hella good.
Yeah. I swear, Green Bay,
if you cock-block me right now, I will...
My man. "Penthouse"? "Playboy"?
"Maxim"? Swimsuit edition?
Freaking L.L. Bean? What?
- God bless, you are desperate. No.
- God damn!
Yeah, the Reaganites had a huge porn stash
in their bedside table. Come on, dude.
I jacked one of Isaac's
birth-control pills,
antifungal cream for whatever
disgusting zombie STD she's carrying,
and a pocket bible for when you realize
just how badly you need Jesus.
And there's a Coldwater Creek
from, like, 1972 in the bathroom
if you really have to go that far.
- You brought me birth control, kid?
- I got you.
Love you, bro.
All right. Now why don't you show me
where you got bit?
I think I might be married.
I only run from the words
"I think I might be..."
that's followed by the word "pregnant."
Now let's get that blood flowing.
Don't be afraid to make
the first move, son.
And I know you're beyond your years,
but you're still a kid,
so go ahead and give her a kiss.
- I love you, Chris.
- Love you too, Pops.
- Sorry for almost killing you and...
- It's okay.
- ...killing Mom.
- Well, she was a bitch.
- I'm gonna have some issues.
- Yes, you will. Yes, you will.
What'd you do to your hair?
There you are, sweetie.
Oh, give me a hug.
- Good to see you, too.
- Oh, my sweet girl.
- I love you, Mom.
- Love you, too, honey.
- Let's go to my room.
- To the barn?
No. Haven't you heard?
I moved back in with my parents.
- So embarrassing.
- Hey, just blame it on the economy.
- That's what I do every single time.
- Come on.
- We have to get this off. Come on.
- It's still bloody. It's still...
Are you okay?
Good God!
- Kiss me!
- You smell so terrible!
So do you. Let's do this.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God...
- Wait.
- What? No. What? Wait?
Hope you didn't have any plans
for Memorial Day.
NASA has just announced
that an asteroid the size of Texas
is on a direct path to Earth.
The end of the world is here again.
Shit!
On the bright side, till that happens,
we got nothing but commercial-free
music lined up,
and Justin Bieber
kicking it all off next!
Yes, I do. I'm doing it for you.
Well, lucky enough for me, he's about
as good a shot as Helen Keller,
her being blind and all. No.
Her being a woman and all. I'm sorry.
I started compiling zombie... Stop it!
God!
I'm so sorry.
- So your parents found out...
- Yeah.
So your pounts found...
- Man...
- Hold on. Sorry! Emily was in.
Emily, can you clear the shot?
- My place is in the kitchen.
- We're more than helpy to happ out.
Damn! Too good. Ready?
- Why isn't the ice working?
- It's the left one.
No, I did it.
- And print it.
- Shit.
You know, I was gonna throw this
little piece of shit away, but...
Piece of shit away, but...
Clever assholes.
- Fuck! Jeez, guy.
- Cut!
- Sheriff.
- Sheriff.
Goddamn zombies on bicycles.
And...
Line.
By the way, that was Hank's fault.
Do you guys live near an airstrip?
Sorry. I wish we'd just cut
this crap off.
Hold it up.
You guys see that plane?
Could be a zombie plane attack!
I just killed a zombie
that was about to...
I just killed a zombie
that was about to bout your...
Sucks for your girlfriend.
We're losing our humanity here!
Let's take a pa... I got you, dog.
Let's take a page from Romeo's...
Let's take a page...
Be quiet now. Be quiet.
They probably s-smell your stew,
and it's giving them
the munchies or something.
- Sorry.
- Let's take that again. That's okay.
Okay.
- I cleaned up a mess once.
- I'll make a mess on your face.
- She'll clean it up.
- Very handy that way.
Sounds like we should have went
to the airport instead of this farm.
That is a...
They got flights going out all the time.