The Wedding Date (2005) Movie Script
'Hi, this is Kat.
Leave a message and I'll call you back.'
'Hi, Kat. This is Nick Mercer.
'Sorry I didn't get back to you last night
but I got your messages.
'All seven of them.
'I know you're nervous, Kat,
but this is what I get paid for.
'I'm running late so
I sent a messenger to pick up my ticket.
'Kat, stop worrying.
'Your ex-fianc will wish he never left you
'and your family will think we're in love.
'Trust me. I'll see you at the airport.
Can't wait to meet you.'
So sorry. I wasn't quite ready.
It's a plane ticket.
For a date. My date.
For my sister's wedding, in London.
You need to let go.
You're gonna have to help me.
# Oh yeah
# The daylight's fading slowly
# But time with you is standing still
# I'm waiting for you only
# The slightest touch and I feel weak
# I cannot lie
# From you I cannot hide
# I'm losing the will to try
# Can't hide it, can't fight it
# Can't hide, can't fight
# So go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Tempt me, tease me
# Until I can't deny this loving feeling
# Feeling
# Make me long for your kiss
# Go on, go on
# Go on, go on
# Yeah, come on
# Yeah
# And if there's no tomorrow
# And all we have is here and now
# I'm happy just to have you
# You're all the love I need somehow
# It's like a dream
# Although I'm not asleep
# I never want to wake up
# Don't lose it, don't leave it
# Don't lose it, don't leave it
# So go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Tempt me, tease me
# Until I can't deny this
# Loving feeling
# Loving feeling
# Make me long for your kiss
# Go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Tempt me, tease me
# Until I can't deny this loving feeling
# Make me long for your kiss
# Go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Go on, go on #
'... 356 to London Heathrow,
'all remaining passengers
please make your way... '
Harry, I'm not working,
I'm going to my sister's wedding.
Customer service
will have to survive without me.
But Kat, we've had three delays
and two reps call in sick.
And a 2505 on the 8:20 CPT to LGW.
And there's this guy on line two
who gut stuck with in-laws because
we couldn't get him out of Heathrow.
I'd love to help you, sincerely,
but I haven't seen my family in two years
and my flight leaves in 15 minutes.
Come on, Kat. Please, I'm begging you.
Bump the 14:14 to the upper on 16:10.
What about line two?
Check my bags.
I understand, you want your family
to see you the way you see yourself,
or would, if you didn't feel
so victimized by them.
Hello!
We regret that you were inconvenienced.
Unfortunately, we are not liable.
But just this once I'll refund your ticket
and credit you 10,000 frequent flyer miles.
Thank you for calling Virgin Atlantic.
Your first trip?
My sister's getting married
and the best man is my ex.
If I chicken out,
I wanna know where the exits are.
I'm not a knuckler, I fly all the time.
The reason I can't feel my legs
is that any second
my date is gonna sit down in 3B
and I need him to look really good today.
Hello, 3B.
Thank you.
Hey.
Kat.
Let's sit.
I'm glad you found it OK.
The airport... The plane, I mean.
I'm sorry we couldn't leave sooner. I know
you wanted to get settled before the party.
Work must be crazy.
Oh, I should warn you.
You know those families
where everyone's out of their mind
but they're your family so you love them?
Mine's not like that.
I love my dad.
But since he's my stepdad,
he's technically not family.
He's more like a hostage.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
'we will shortly be arriving
at London Heathrow.
'On arrival, please remain seated
'until the seat belt sign
has been switched off.
'Local time is 4:22pm
'and the temperature is a warm 21... '
Good morning.
'That's 72 degrees Fahrenheit.
'We would like to thank you
for flying with us today
'and look forward to seeing you again soon.'
Oh.
Nick, please tell me
you're not wearing that tonight.
I am.
It's no big deal really, it just looks like
a tailor made your tie out of my dress.
Don't get me wrong - matching's fine.
It's matchy-matchy you wanna look out for.
- We look like we're trying too hard.
- Exactly.
I want us to look like we fit but not
like we're trying to look like we fit.
Let me teach you a trick.
If you look people in the eye,
they'll never notice what you're wearing.
There's no way I'm showing up
in his and her outfits
so if you're gonna wear that tie,
I have to change my dress.
Driver, will you please
pull over somewhere?
I'm sorry. I promise
this is the last one.
You must think...
Who knows what you think?
I know how important this is for you.
But remember, you're a beautiful woman
and you've got everything going for you.
Don't patronize me.
I feel like crap but I
wanna look hot doing it.
Mission accomplished.
Really?
Don't get too attached.
I prefer the red one.
I'll let her know.
Hmm...
"Hmm, nice dress," or "Hmm...
"Gorgeous. I was insane to let you go"?
Well, I'd shag you.
If that's all right with you?
I don't know if I can do this.
Well, you can never be sure of anything
but we still have to go inside.
- Aunt Bea!
- Dear girl.
This should have been you getting married.
You know, you didn't have
to return the gravy boat.
And to think Jeffrey is the best man.
Have you met Nick?
- How do you do?
- Oh.
Charming.
And what do you do?
Excuse us.
What a nightmare.
OK, we need a story.
You're a therapist, we just started
dating and you're crazy about me.
Count it. 6,000 even.
- Oh, I trust you.
- No. Count it.
All right.
I'll cover expenses but if you want
to be intimate, we talk money first.
That won't be an issue. I find the idea
of sex for money morally repugnant.
I'm sorry. No offense.
Do me a favor, quit apologizing.
If you look at this as
a business transaction,
maybe you won't
feel compelled to keep saying sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's also really annoying.
Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Pussy Kat! What happened to you?
- Pull over for a quickie? - Mom, this is
so not the time to be yourself.
And who might this be?
Hi. I'm the new guy.
It's great to meet you.
Lovely. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
We've got welcome cocktails today
then tomorrow's Young People In The Park
and Stags And Hens.
Friday's the picnic, then the rehearsal dinner
and since you have left no margin for jetlag,
I need you to hydrate.
- Dad.
- My darling.
- Meet Nick.
- Professor Ellis.
- How do you do?
- Kat?
- Kat! Oooh! I'm getting married! Oh, Kitty!
- Hey!
Oh, I missed you so much.
Gosh, who's the hunky, huh? Nice.
There you are! Get over here!
At times like these,
I find a good, stiff drink helps.
- Can I get you a refill, sir?
- Very kind of you.
Where did you find him?
Thank you.
Yellow Pages.
Hello!
Sweet Jesus.
Who gave that woman an amp?
Hello. Hello?
Oh. Wonderful. It's finally working.
Does everybody have a drink?
Because I am going to say a few words.
Welcome, friends and family...
I'm...
Victor and I are so happy
that you're here to celebrate with us
as we welcome Edward and
the Fletcher-Wootens into our family.
We always thought that
we would marry off Kat first.
We had good reason to hope because
she was so popular with the boys at school
and we came pretty close once,
but, as you all know,
that crashed and burned.
Luckily, we were able
to get the deposit back,
so here we are again...
To the bride and groom.
Oh. Yes. Yes. Well, back
to the bride and groom to be.
Um...
Edward, we are so glad that
you fell in love with the girl next door.
Our Amy. Congratulations, babies.
Congratulations.
Jeffrey.
Hello. Kat-mandu.
Wow, you look gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God! Top Kat! Ooooh!
Where the bloody hell have you been?
I have gynecologists that call more often.
- You have more than one?
- I play them off against each other.
Hello, arsehole.
Since you dumped my cousin brutally,
you won't mind if I
steal her away, will you?
Thanks.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I wasn't saving you from him,
I was saving you from yourself.
You, my love, are too bloody nice.
I've never seen so many
beautiful women in one room.
Did he bring a date?
Darling, why waste time
on that horse's arse
when Mr. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down
is waiting for you over there?
- What does he do?
- He's a therapist.
- The perils of paranoia.
- Yes.
Oh, God. I think I've just come.
Thank you.
Can I have that?
Hm.
Thank you.
You know what I love about all this, Kat?
There's finally a reason for
the world to revolve around you?
Exactly.
- There you are.
- How's the future missus?
I'm perfect, I'm all ginny.
Thanks, Snufflepop.
Mmm! Mm-mm-mm!
Wow!
Am I not the luckiest bastard on earth?
Aw! Well, I'll dance to that.
- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus!
That's what he gets
for not taking dance lessons
until two days before the wedding.
Who's ever heard of
dance lessons for a wedding?
Just about everyone.
You are taking the piss?
We'll go with you.
I don't even know you, hunky dunky,
and I love you already.
Dance lessons? Hm. Right.
- Hey.
- Oh. Hello.
Weddings are a celebration
of love and commitment...
in Utopia.
In the real world they're an excuse to drink
excessively and say things you shouldn't.
- A philosopher, huh?
- Well, shrink.
- Crikey!
- What?
- No, nothing.
- No, tell me.
Well, you Yanks and your therapy,
it's a load of touchy-feely mumbo jumbo.
Spilling your guts to a total stranger,
it's not natural.
Oh, God.
It's just...
There's this girl that I care for...
Well, I suppose you could say I love her.
The bugger is,
she's here with some other guy.
There you are.
Hey, Kat. Hey, Kat.
Oh, hey, yourself. I see you met my ex.
- I was just telling him how we met.
- Mm.
- The Knicks game.
- Oh, yes.
Yeah... Oh.
You hate sport.
- I hate cricket.
- Right, yes.
Well, I should go and... go.
He looks miserable.
- What were you talking about?
- He seems a little drunk
but I think he's still crazy about you.
- Do I know you from somewhere?
- No.
What did he say? You don't...
You don't think he wants me back?
# Love started making sense
# I always make mistakes at my expense
# Love has placed a seed
# And you're the sun
that shines down upon me
# Yeah, when we are together
# And when we are apart #
Are you OK?
- Here we are.
- Thank God!
- Oh!
- Thanks, Mom.
- There you are, darling.
- Thanks, Dad.
God!
- Thanks again for having me. - Don't
be silly. It's wonderful to meet you.
Although technically,
I never knew you existed.
- Come on, Bunny.
- I love surprises.
Where's Nick sleeping?
My mother has this rule about sharing
when there's no ring involved...
- Don't be silly.
- What?
I am not as small-town
as my daughter seems to think.
Sorry about this.
I went through a painfully
earnest floral phase.
Air Supply?
Oh. My parents had a German
exchange student a few years back.
He must have left it here.
Everyone knows their greatest hits.
Some of their lesser-known ballads
are surprisingly poignant.
Is that an old habit from ballet class
or from a lifetime of walking on eggshells?
I never took ballet.
How'd you know that was me?
I have a friend at the magazine.
So much for anonymity.
Go ahead, take a look.
It's part of the package.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous.
I never thought anything like this
could happen to me.
This happened to you?
It happened in the sense that
I picked up the phone, tracked you down,
flew you over her and gave you $6,000.
- Will you grab my shampoo, please?
- Shampoo! Got it.
# I'm all out love,
I'm so lost without you
# I know you were right,
believing for so long
# I'm all out of love,
what am I without you?
# I can't be too late
to say that I was so wrong #
The part where you were
a sexual surrogate and then started to...
branch out, is...
Is that really how it happened?
The real story -
my mother was a hippie, and a stripper.
She was insanely inappropriate with me,
she washed her lingerie
in my bath water while I was still in it.
Oh.
So as an adult, I needed to find ways
to experience intimacy and sex
- but with rules that couldn't be violated.
- Wow.
I'm just screwing with you.
You shit.
OK, this part.
You say, and I quote,
"Every woman has
the exact love life she wants."
That seems a broad generalization... Oh!
Oh.
Do you honestly believe that
I want to be single and miserable?
Do you think that I want to be hung up
on some guy who led me on for years
and out of the blue shattered my heart?
First of all, there's no such thing
as out of the blue.
And second of all, yeah.
- What?
- When you're ready to let go,
to be un-single and un-miserable,
you will.
Till then...
So when you were talking to Jeffrey before,
how did he sound?
Like a harmless, self-absorbed toolbox.
Seriously.
He sounded tormented.
Tormented? How?
Like he's...
jealous that I'm here
with someone else, or like...
he regrets throwing away
our life together?
It's just that...
this hasn't really turned out
the way that I thought it would.
Hey, Nick.
Oh-oh-oh!
He seems more mature.
Run, you fat tart! Come on.
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop,
shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop #
Come on, throw it. Throw it!
# You'll look at me,
and even though I know... #
- Well played, darling.
- Ed!
What?
# One fine day... #
- Are you ready, TJ?
- Bugger off.
# You're gonna want me for your girl
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# Oh, yeah #
All right, batter, batter.
# The arms I long for will open wide
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# And you'll be proud to have me
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# Right by your side
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# One fine day
# You're gonna want me for your girl
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop #
- Move back.
- Yeah.
# Though I know you're the kind of boy... #
Come on, Kat.
- # Who only wants to run around #
- Batter up.
- You're up, Kat.
- # I'll be waiting... #
Go, Kat.
# Someday, darling, you'll come to me
# When you want to settle down, oh! #
Be nice to me, Jeffrey.
# One fine day, we'll meet once more
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop #
- Out!
- Yes!
# One fine day... #
Lose the game.
# You're gonna want me for your girl #
No!
- Come on!
- Edward.
Come on!
Come on, you sexy little monkey. Come on!
- You're supposed to be helping.
- Oh, trust me. I am.
# One fine day, oh yeah
# One fine day
# You're gonna want me for your girl
# One fine day
# One fine day
# Oh yeah
# One fine day #
- What's with the socks?
- It's a golf-themed bachelorette.
Have you ever done a wedding before?
No, but I have done funerals.
An escort at a funeral? Someone's dead.
Yeah, imagine facing that alone.
Ah. Catch.
Make sure he stays on
the right side of the road.
- Which is, of course, the left.
- That's right.
So, are you ever attracted
to your clients?
I know you're curious about my business
but I really can't discuss other clients.
Come on! How many of them
want to sleep with you?
You know, I swear it's not about the sex.
It's about understanding what people need.
Please! You're like the Yoda of escorts.
Getting you on the phone
was harder than getting into college.
- No, I don't play games. No gimmicks.
- Mm-hm.
It's much more...
Subtle?
It's not about me.
It's about you.
Show me.
Come on.
Hmm... What's holding me back?
I think it's the words "morally repugnant".
Show me.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
You're safe, you can relax.
I'm not gonna kiss you.
He's gonna be so sorry he lost you.
So, stop worrying.
Forget the past.
Forget the pain.
And remember...
what an incredible woman you are.
If you do that,
he'll realize what he lost.
Holy crap!
You're worth every penny.
- You should get going.
- Mm-hm.
OK, Yoda.
To Amy!
# Girl, to be with you
is my favorite thing #
I thought you might need this.
Silly me. Where was my head?
- Bye.
- Listen, why don't you stay
- and have a little fiery drink with us, eh?
- Uh...
- It's fine.
- Come on.
You know you want to!
- Oh, I can see why.
- You're lovely.
Isn't he lovely? Have you smelt him?
He smells lovely!
Can you believe Kat gets to shag this guy?
No, really, you should send God
a bottle of wine or a quiche or something.
Look at those buns. Fresh from the bakery.
It must feel great getting paid
just for being you.
- Who says I'm being me?
- Excuse me.
Amy, thank you for granting me a rare
glimpse into a timeless female ritual.
Here's to the husbands who've won you,
the losers who've lost you
and the lucky bastards
who've yet to meet you.
And to the cock in the henhouse.
I can't believe you found him first.
I am so depressed.
Will somebody buy my hoo-hah a drink?
You remember when we took
the girls hiking in the Lake District?
- No.
- You do!
Blistering heat in the morning,
rained all afternoon.
No.
You backed your car
over a copper's bicycle.
- Sorry, no.
- The Rat And Gherkin.
- Splendid local scrumpy.
- Mm.
Amy wore that little bikini thing.
But somehow it was Kat
that got stung by nettles.
Kat never said a word until
Amy caught her scratching her arse.
Then you rubbed it with a dock leaf
to bring down the swelling.
Yeah, I remember it.
I didn't deserve her back then.
And you do now?
What is his problem?
- What?
- There's something about him I don't like.
He's less than 90 per cent body fat
and he's shagging your ex.
No, that is not it. Look at him,
he's walking around all American,
like he owns the place.
Oh, no!
Come on, this is your last chance.
Woody?
- Not yet, but it's getting there!
- It's getting there!
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
I thought you were in San Francisco,
or was it Nepal?
Close. Sydney.
But it turns out that I missed the rain.
Did Kat tell you that she dumped you because
of your funky breath?
She's drunk.
But I didn't... I didn't
really dump you. Right?
Hard. But it was understandable,
you were one of the hottest girls in school.
And we know that Kat was
one of the hottest expats in school
because she was voted
Best Eyes and Brightest Smile
and the Most Likely To Age Well.
You're my half-sister but I whole love you.
How about you get
my half-sister a Seventh Hole?
- Tequila. Tequila.
- Sure.
Are you all right?
I don't know if I can do this.
The Seventh Hole?
No! The wedding.
I shouldn't be allowed to get married.
I shouldn't.
What are you talking about?
TJ!
Come on! Come on!
What's wrong with Jeffrey?
As if I would sleep with a stripper!
I'm about to get married. You have to...
It's been my experience that
a man in love doesn't want a prostitute.
Eddie, you did the right thing.
How do you know so much...
about so much?
I'm a hooker.
I like that.
# Baby!
# Sometimes I'm down
# I'm level, level with the ground
# Whoa
# Baby, you treat me
# Bad... #
# No, I know
# Know you don't mean it now
# I just don't know when to say bye-bye
# Yeah
# Uh
# Uh, uh
# Uh, uh, whoa!
# Baby
# I've got that feeling, baby... #
I just don't feel very well.
I'm gonna go. Give us a kiss.
- Ladies...
- How much do you rock, TJ?
...that was a top night.
Top night!
She's getting married!
# I'm all out of love
# I'm so lost without you
# I know you were right
# Believing for so long
# I'm all out of love
# What am I without you?
# I can't be too late
# I know I was so wrong
# I'm all out of love
# What am I without you?
# I can't be too late
# To say that I was so wrong... #
Are you OK?
Ooh! Ow!
# Watch the sun rise
# Say your goodbyes
# Off we go
# Some conversation
# No contemplation
# Hit the road
# Car overheats
# Jump out of my seat
# On the side of the highway, baby
# I know I don't know you
# But I want you so bad
# Everyone has a secret
# Oh, can they keep it?
# Oh, no, they can't #
- Morning.
- Morning.
Ahoy, there!
Hi, Dad.
I don't know what works for you
but I brought you some black coffee
and some stale crackers, egg and cheese
sandwich and a Bloody Mary.
That's very sweet of you.
But I need to ask you something.
What happened last night?
Nothing.
Thanks.
- Is this for last night?
- No! How could it be? Nothing happened.
If I was gonna charge you,
I said I'd tell you first.
I didn't want you to think that
I was expecting anything for free
or that I was expecting anything at all.
I mean, obviously
I was expecting something
or else I wouldn't have stopped at that ATM.
Just so you know, you're 300 short.
Wait, you're telling me that
if something happened last night,
I'd have to pay you $1,700?
That's a down payment on a Ford Focus.
Not dollars, pounds.
Besides, it includes, you know...
That's the extra 300.
Are you a boatsman, son?
I am now, sir.
I'm glad someone's
making use of her at last.
The boat, I mean.
"To defile." Four letters.
- Good morning, Daddy.
- Ah.
- What if I didn't want you to do that
to me? - The 300's for you doing it to me.
If anything had happened, it would have
been one of the highlights, for you.
- But nothing did.
- That's why you get to keep your money.
The wedding dance is
the most important dance moment
in a person's life.
A room full of friends and family,
watching, smiling,
betting on how long the marriage will last.
All you'll have is each other
and whatever skills you acquire today.
And pair off.
- # When marimba rhythms start to play... #
- Breathe. Good, that's a nice position.
Now, your left foot. Her right foot.
Good. And we'll try to
glide across the floor.
Come a little bit closer together. Moving.
Trying to turn.
What's the matter, Nick?
Two left feet?
Oh!
# Stay with me, sway with me
# Other dancers may be on the floor
# Dear, but my eyes will see only you
# Only you have that magic technique
# When we sway I go weak
# I can hear the sound of violins
# Long before it begins
# Make me thrill as only you know how
# Sway me smooth, sway me now
# Like a flower bending in the breeze
# Bend with me, sway with ease
# When we dance you have a way with me
# Stay with me, sway with me
# Like a flower bending in the breeze
# Bend with me, sway with ease
# When we dance you have a way with me #
When I told you
I'd never done a wedding before,
it wasn't because I'd never been asked.
I'd just never said yes.
Why'd you say yes to me?
There was something in your voice
on the phone that day.
Desperation?
I think it was hope.
Get a move on, you lovebirds.
I'm getting married in the morning.
- Ah, hello, Bambi.
- Darling, please don't do that.
Oh, wow.
That's a big bed.
You know what pisses me off?
I've been spilling my guts all weekend
and I don't know anything about you.
I'm allergic to fabric softener.
I'm majoring in comparative literature
at Brown. I hate anchovies.
I think I'd miss you
even if we'd never met.
Come on!
I'm a little concerned...
I'm just... It makes me nervous...
You know, I might just call you.
But if I did, I would lose,
because my hand is complete shite.
Ohhh.
- I'm in.
- Come on.
There's gotta be something wrong with him.
I bet his thingy bends, doesn't it?
Got a little kink in it.
Oh, no, don't tell me.
It's bloody perfect.
I'm going to see you.
Looky, looky here.
A full house.
Oh-ho-ho!
Has anyone seen my future wife?
She'll kill me if I don't serve her first.
Have you guys ever had
a real honest-to-God fight, ever?
- Yes, of course.
- Yeah, right.
Well, apparently,
makeup sex is the best kind.
Not that I'm ever going to find out.
Give me that!
- Come on!
- No, no!
- Don't!
- Come on!
You seem to have a way with women.
Why don't you go and rustle up the
bride? Get her to join the party.
Why are you bringing this up now?
I love Ed.
- What do you want from me?
- I want you to tell me...
Blue shirt or... white shirt
for the, er, rehearsal dinner?
Sorry to interrupt.
Your dad sent me.
What for?
To make sure you're OK.
Kat, could I have a word?
It'll only take a moment.
Let me think. You stole seven years of
her life with your bullshit and your charm
and now you'd like just a moment?
Sure. Go right ahead.
Thanks for the solidarity, Mum,
but next time a little less information.
Do you believe a place has a memory?
Even before Ed and I started dating,
we all used to come up here in the summer
and spend weekends.
God, I hope it doesn't remember everything.
No matter how certain
one is of one's position
of what one should or shouldn't do,
one sometimes discovers
that one is not as one would have
hoped one would have been.
- What exactly are you trying to say?
- I'm sorry.
Look, I feel like I need
to tell you something.
- You're not even listening.
- I'm sorry. I'll be back in a minute.
Hey, is everything OK?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anchovy, Nick?
I remember the day I met Kat.
It was in New York.
I'd been seeing Bunny for a few months
and she finally trusted me
enough to meet her kid.
So I'm over at her place
and in walks this little monster.
That was it. I was a goner.
That was the day I became a dad.
You know, Nick, you think it's going
to get easier as they get older,
that you're going to worry about them less.
Or that you're going
to trust the world more.
But that's just not how it happens.
This may not make much sense to you, sir,
but I'd like to ask your permission
to date your daughter.
I thought you already were.
- I blame... I blame Tony Peepants.
- No.
Let's have the story. Kat, come on.
- No.
- I have to initiate Nick into our family.
I blame Tony for why my two girls
just don't seem to be able to get along.
Don't deny it. You barely
tolerate each other.
Come on. It's true. The only thing you've
got in common is you're both attracted to me.
It started after we moved here.
My two girls got into a fight over Tony
Peepants and have never made up since.
Apparently, Kat and I were inseparable.
If Kat ate a banana, Amy threw it up.
If Amy threw it up, Kat ate it.
So we were eating
and throwing up together in harmony
until Tony walked me home
from school one day.
He was my first boyfriend.
Tony ignored Kat
because he wanted to play with me.
Anyway, the point of the story is that
Tony ended up with a chair in his face.
It was plastic and child-sized.
- As I recall, there were stitches involved.
- Come on, Bunny, 15 stitches.
So is that when he peed in his pants?
He cried a lot,
but there was no peeing.
So what's with the nickname?
I have absolutely no idea.
Let me get some more wine.
Would you marry me if I asked?
That was a yes. Did you see that?
And you know, I thought perhaps you...
Bollocks. Sorry.
I had no idea this would be so difficult.
I just feel like I owe you an explanation.
Relax, relax. It's fine.
I promise.
And I should probably admit that...
I brought Nick with me
to torture you, slowly,
for the entire weekend.
But then, I don't know,
something happened and now...
I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings
but I'm just sick of you and me.
Of our whole story, so come on, let's
just go upstairs and eat some tiramisu.
I slept with your sister.
- I'm sorry?
- Well, I shagged Amy, two years ago.
That's why I broke it off with you.
And then after you left,
sod it, we kept at it like rabbits,
until we both realized it was absolutely mad
and, obviously, morally wrong.
And then that was it.
But last Christmas, when Ed proposed,
I realized... I'm in love with her.
Good Lord, say something, please.
Oh, my God, he's told you, hasn't he?
- You knew?
- Kat, I'm so sorry. I'm so...
Kat. Kat, please.
Kat, please don't say anything.
I can't believe you told her.
What's going on?
Nothing.
It doesn't look like nothing.
Now is not the time to catch on, Ed.
OK. Good.
Leave me alone.
You knew and you didn't tell me.
- Wait up.
- I can't believe I trusted you.
Come on. You've got to stop running.
- How could you not have told me?
- What did you expect me to say?
You let me make a fool of myself.
You lied to me, but I guess I shouldn't be
surprised because that's what you do.
That's who you are. You're a liar.
You're judging me? That's a good one.
You're going to point a finger at me,
the guy that you hired
to pretend to be your boyfriend?
You're right. I was so desperate
to make everyone believe that I was happy
that I paid $6,000 for a lie.
And, at the end of the day, the only one
who ended up falling for it was me.
I wish I could say it was worth it.
Go ahead, Kat, hate me.
I think you're running out of steam
on this whole Jeffrey thing anyhow.
Maybe now you'll be able to hold on to this
long enough to ruin your next relationship.
- Nick.
- I'm just checking into a hotel.
Don't be ridiculous. It's late.
Take the car.
Actually, the boathouse is empty.
Look, I don't know what's going on with
you two but I'm sure you'll work it out.
You couldn't be more perfect
if she'd picked you out of a catalog.
Thanks, Ed.
Hey.
Hey.
I just... I wanted to say thank you
for not outing me in front of Ed.
I want to tell him,
just not the night before our wedding.
You know, with these things,
timing is everything.
You're right.
You should time it right,
so that when he hears that
you repeatedly screwed his best friend,
he won't feel like the world is collapsing
and there's no escape
because you tricked him into marrying you.
- Kat...
- Don't worry. Your wedding will be perfect.
Tomorrow I'll say all the right things
and you'll deal with Ed when you're ready.
But right now, tonight,
I'm not going to pretend it's OK.
And that's your first flight out?
# Another summer day
has come and gone away #
- All right, thanks.
- # In Paris and Rome
# I wanna go home
# Mmm
# Another aeroplane, another sunny place
# I'm lucky, I know
# But I wanna go home
# Mm, I've got to go home
# And I feel just like I'm living... #
- I'm OK.
- # Someone else's life
# It's like I just stepped outside... #
I don't believe you.
I'm fine, really.
Nothing a bottle of Jack
and a straight razor couldn't fix.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It's Amy's day.
Get in the car, darling.
No, no. Smile.
Hello.
I've been looking for you.
So, why did you let him go?
- It's complicated, Dad.
- Right.
It probably wouldn't have
worked out anyway, huh?
I remember reading a fascinating article
in the New York Times Magazine once,
where this guy said,
"Every woman has
the exact love life she wants."
You know what? I agree with him.
But I refuse to believe
that this is what you want, Kat.
Ever since you were little,
you've always worried
about what other people think.
Now, come on. What do you think?
Is he the guy for you?
Then go and get him.
Hello, darling. Your mother said
you wanted to have a quick word.
No, no, no, I...
There's something
you should know before you marry me.
What is it?
I wanted to tell you
but I was afraid you'd never forgive me
and I just... I love you so much.
I'm sorry.
I knew you were seeing someone else when
we finally got together, but not Jeffrey.
Does Kat know?
Jeffrey told her last night.
Excuse me.
Ed?
Ed... Calm down, Ed.
Ed!
TJ!
Ah!
Ed, calm down!
It's all sorted! She wants you!
I've given up! What's the problem?
You back-stabbing weasel!
That's not fair.
It was before you guys were even dating.
But you were engaged to her sister.
Ed, calm down!
We can talk about this
like civilized human beings.
I look like a total wanker, don't I?
Yeah, kind of.
Get in the car, Ed.
He's halfway to France by now.
Whoa!
I trust you've enjoyed
your trip to England.
Yeah, it was fantastic.
Thanks, Eddie.
You know, I felt sorry
for you last night.
I was just sitting there like some smug
arse, thinking, "Aren't I a lucky sod?"
I forgave her when I thought
it was just some random bloke.
But not Jeffrey.
I've had her up on a pedestal ever since...
ever since I put her up there.
What a mess I've made, huh?
I'm so sorry.
The hardest thing's loving someone
and then having the courage
to let them love you back.
But if you know her shit
and she knows yours
and at the end of the day,
you still would rather give up than try...
nothing's ever gonna be worth it.
Maybe think about it this way.
You go back,
you get to spend the rest of your life
having really great makeup sex.
- Ed?
- Must run!
Hi.
Hi.
Last night, when we were fighting,
I thought this was over.
And I was going to leave you alone
and just take off but...
Then I realized I'd rather fight with you
than make love with anyone else.
- I should get going.
- What? No, you can't.
I have to.
I'm the best man.
# You can dance every dance
with the guy who gives you the eye
# Let him hold you tight
# And you can smile every smile
for the man who held your hand
# Beneath the pale moonlight
# But don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# So darling, save the last dance for me
# Oh, I know that the music's fine
like sparkling wine
# Go and have your fun
# Laugh and sing... #
- Let's do it.
- # But while we're apart
# Don't give your heart to anyone
# And don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# So darling, save the last dance for me #
Ed, there's no one in the world who knows
how to love my baby sister better than you.
Be good to one another.
To Amy and Ed.
Amy and Ed.
# You can dance
# Go and carry on till the night is gone
# And it's time to go
# If he asks
# If you're all alone, can he walk you home
# You must tell him no
# Cos don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# Save the last dance for me
# Oh, I know
# That the music's fine like sparkling wine
# Go and have your fun
# Laugh and sing
# But while we're apart
don't give your heart to anyone
# And don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# So darling, save the last dance for me
# Save the last dance
# The very last dance
# For me #
# Another summer day
# Has come and gone away
# In Paris and Rome
# But I wanna go home
# Oh
# Maybe surrounded by
a million people, I...
# Still feel alone, just wanna go home
# Oh, I miss you, you know
# And I've been keeping
all the letters that I wrote to you
# Each one a line or two
# "I'm fine, baby, how are you?"
# Well, I would send them
but I know that it's just not enough
# My words were cold and flat
# And you deserve more than that
# Another aeroplane
# Another sunny place
# I'm lucky, I know
# But I wanna go home
# Mm, I've got to go home
# Let me go home
# I'm just too far from where you are
# I wanna come home
# And I feel just like
I'm living someone else's life
# It's like I just stepped outside
# When everything was going right
# And I know just why you could not
come along with me
# But this was not your dream
# But you always believed in me
# Another winter day
has come and gone away
# And even Paris and Rome
# And I wanna go home
# Let me go home
# And I'm surrounded by
a million people, I...
# I still feel alone, let me go home
# Oh, I miss you, you know
# Let me go home
# I've had my run
# Baby, I'm done
# I gotta go home
# Let me go home
# It will all be all right
# I'll be home tonight
# I'm coming back home #
Leave a message and I'll call you back.'
'Hi, Kat. This is Nick Mercer.
'Sorry I didn't get back to you last night
but I got your messages.
'All seven of them.
'I know you're nervous, Kat,
but this is what I get paid for.
'I'm running late so
I sent a messenger to pick up my ticket.
'Kat, stop worrying.
'Your ex-fianc will wish he never left you
'and your family will think we're in love.
'Trust me. I'll see you at the airport.
Can't wait to meet you.'
So sorry. I wasn't quite ready.
It's a plane ticket.
For a date. My date.
For my sister's wedding, in London.
You need to let go.
You're gonna have to help me.
# Oh yeah
# The daylight's fading slowly
# But time with you is standing still
# I'm waiting for you only
# The slightest touch and I feel weak
# I cannot lie
# From you I cannot hide
# I'm losing the will to try
# Can't hide it, can't fight it
# Can't hide, can't fight
# So go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Tempt me, tease me
# Until I can't deny this loving feeling
# Feeling
# Make me long for your kiss
# Go on, go on
# Go on, go on
# Yeah, come on
# Yeah
# And if there's no tomorrow
# And all we have is here and now
# I'm happy just to have you
# You're all the love I need somehow
# It's like a dream
# Although I'm not asleep
# I never want to wake up
# Don't lose it, don't leave it
# Don't lose it, don't leave it
# So go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Tempt me, tease me
# Until I can't deny this
# Loving feeling
# Loving feeling
# Make me long for your kiss
# Go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Tempt me, tease me
# Until I can't deny this loving feeling
# Make me long for your kiss
# Go on, go on
# Come on, leave me breathless
# Go on, go on #
'... 356 to London Heathrow,
'all remaining passengers
please make your way... '
Harry, I'm not working,
I'm going to my sister's wedding.
Customer service
will have to survive without me.
But Kat, we've had three delays
and two reps call in sick.
And a 2505 on the 8:20 CPT to LGW.
And there's this guy on line two
who gut stuck with in-laws because
we couldn't get him out of Heathrow.
I'd love to help you, sincerely,
but I haven't seen my family in two years
and my flight leaves in 15 minutes.
Come on, Kat. Please, I'm begging you.
Bump the 14:14 to the upper on 16:10.
What about line two?
Check my bags.
I understand, you want your family
to see you the way you see yourself,
or would, if you didn't feel
so victimized by them.
Hello!
We regret that you were inconvenienced.
Unfortunately, we are not liable.
But just this once I'll refund your ticket
and credit you 10,000 frequent flyer miles.
Thank you for calling Virgin Atlantic.
Your first trip?
My sister's getting married
and the best man is my ex.
If I chicken out,
I wanna know where the exits are.
I'm not a knuckler, I fly all the time.
The reason I can't feel my legs
is that any second
my date is gonna sit down in 3B
and I need him to look really good today.
Hello, 3B.
Thank you.
Hey.
Kat.
Let's sit.
I'm glad you found it OK.
The airport... The plane, I mean.
I'm sorry we couldn't leave sooner. I know
you wanted to get settled before the party.
Work must be crazy.
Oh, I should warn you.
You know those families
where everyone's out of their mind
but they're your family so you love them?
Mine's not like that.
I love my dad.
But since he's my stepdad,
he's technically not family.
He's more like a hostage.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
'we will shortly be arriving
at London Heathrow.
'On arrival, please remain seated
'until the seat belt sign
has been switched off.
'Local time is 4:22pm
'and the temperature is a warm 21... '
Good morning.
'That's 72 degrees Fahrenheit.
'We would like to thank you
for flying with us today
'and look forward to seeing you again soon.'
Oh.
Nick, please tell me
you're not wearing that tonight.
I am.
It's no big deal really, it just looks like
a tailor made your tie out of my dress.
Don't get me wrong - matching's fine.
It's matchy-matchy you wanna look out for.
- We look like we're trying too hard.
- Exactly.
I want us to look like we fit but not
like we're trying to look like we fit.
Let me teach you a trick.
If you look people in the eye,
they'll never notice what you're wearing.
There's no way I'm showing up
in his and her outfits
so if you're gonna wear that tie,
I have to change my dress.
Driver, will you please
pull over somewhere?
I'm sorry. I promise
this is the last one.
You must think...
Who knows what you think?
I know how important this is for you.
But remember, you're a beautiful woman
and you've got everything going for you.
Don't patronize me.
I feel like crap but I
wanna look hot doing it.
Mission accomplished.
Really?
Don't get too attached.
I prefer the red one.
I'll let her know.
Hmm...
"Hmm, nice dress," or "Hmm...
"Gorgeous. I was insane to let you go"?
Well, I'd shag you.
If that's all right with you?
I don't know if I can do this.
Well, you can never be sure of anything
but we still have to go inside.
- Aunt Bea!
- Dear girl.
This should have been you getting married.
You know, you didn't have
to return the gravy boat.
And to think Jeffrey is the best man.
Have you met Nick?
- How do you do?
- Oh.
Charming.
And what do you do?
Excuse us.
What a nightmare.
OK, we need a story.
You're a therapist, we just started
dating and you're crazy about me.
Count it. 6,000 even.
- Oh, I trust you.
- No. Count it.
All right.
I'll cover expenses but if you want
to be intimate, we talk money first.
That won't be an issue. I find the idea
of sex for money morally repugnant.
I'm sorry. No offense.
Do me a favor, quit apologizing.
If you look at this as
a business transaction,
maybe you won't
feel compelled to keep saying sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's also really annoying.
Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Pussy Kat! What happened to you?
- Pull over for a quickie? - Mom, this is
so not the time to be yourself.
And who might this be?
Hi. I'm the new guy.
It's great to meet you.
Lovely. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
We've got welcome cocktails today
then tomorrow's Young People In The Park
and Stags And Hens.
Friday's the picnic, then the rehearsal dinner
and since you have left no margin for jetlag,
I need you to hydrate.
- Dad.
- My darling.
- Meet Nick.
- Professor Ellis.
- How do you do?
- Kat?
- Kat! Oooh! I'm getting married! Oh, Kitty!
- Hey!
Oh, I missed you so much.
Gosh, who's the hunky, huh? Nice.
There you are! Get over here!
At times like these,
I find a good, stiff drink helps.
- Can I get you a refill, sir?
- Very kind of you.
Where did you find him?
Thank you.
Yellow Pages.
Hello!
Sweet Jesus.
Who gave that woman an amp?
Hello. Hello?
Oh. Wonderful. It's finally working.
Does everybody have a drink?
Because I am going to say a few words.
Welcome, friends and family...
I'm...
Victor and I are so happy
that you're here to celebrate with us
as we welcome Edward and
the Fletcher-Wootens into our family.
We always thought that
we would marry off Kat first.
We had good reason to hope because
she was so popular with the boys at school
and we came pretty close once,
but, as you all know,
that crashed and burned.
Luckily, we were able
to get the deposit back,
so here we are again...
To the bride and groom.
Oh. Yes. Yes. Well, back
to the bride and groom to be.
Um...
Edward, we are so glad that
you fell in love with the girl next door.
Our Amy. Congratulations, babies.
Congratulations.
Jeffrey.
Hello. Kat-mandu.
Wow, you look gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God! Top Kat! Ooooh!
Where the bloody hell have you been?
I have gynecologists that call more often.
- You have more than one?
- I play them off against each other.
Hello, arsehole.
Since you dumped my cousin brutally,
you won't mind if I
steal her away, will you?
Thanks.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I wasn't saving you from him,
I was saving you from yourself.
You, my love, are too bloody nice.
I've never seen so many
beautiful women in one room.
Did he bring a date?
Darling, why waste time
on that horse's arse
when Mr. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down
is waiting for you over there?
- What does he do?
- He's a therapist.
- The perils of paranoia.
- Yes.
Oh, God. I think I've just come.
Thank you.
Can I have that?
Hm.
Thank you.
You know what I love about all this, Kat?
There's finally a reason for
the world to revolve around you?
Exactly.
- There you are.
- How's the future missus?
I'm perfect, I'm all ginny.
Thanks, Snufflepop.
Mmm! Mm-mm-mm!
Wow!
Am I not the luckiest bastard on earth?
Aw! Well, I'll dance to that.
- Oh!
- Oh, Jesus!
That's what he gets
for not taking dance lessons
until two days before the wedding.
Who's ever heard of
dance lessons for a wedding?
Just about everyone.
You are taking the piss?
We'll go with you.
I don't even know you, hunky dunky,
and I love you already.
Dance lessons? Hm. Right.
- Hey.
- Oh. Hello.
Weddings are a celebration
of love and commitment...
in Utopia.
In the real world they're an excuse to drink
excessively and say things you shouldn't.
- A philosopher, huh?
- Well, shrink.
- Crikey!
- What?
- No, nothing.
- No, tell me.
Well, you Yanks and your therapy,
it's a load of touchy-feely mumbo jumbo.
Spilling your guts to a total stranger,
it's not natural.
Oh, God.
It's just...
There's this girl that I care for...
Well, I suppose you could say I love her.
The bugger is,
she's here with some other guy.
There you are.
Hey, Kat. Hey, Kat.
Oh, hey, yourself. I see you met my ex.
- I was just telling him how we met.
- Mm.
- The Knicks game.
- Oh, yes.
Yeah... Oh.
You hate sport.
- I hate cricket.
- Right, yes.
Well, I should go and... go.
He looks miserable.
- What were you talking about?
- He seems a little drunk
but I think he's still crazy about you.
- Do I know you from somewhere?
- No.
What did he say? You don't...
You don't think he wants me back?
# Love started making sense
# I always make mistakes at my expense
# Love has placed a seed
# And you're the sun
that shines down upon me
# Yeah, when we are together
# And when we are apart #
Are you OK?
- Here we are.
- Thank God!
- Oh!
- Thanks, Mom.
- There you are, darling.
- Thanks, Dad.
God!
- Thanks again for having me. - Don't
be silly. It's wonderful to meet you.
Although technically,
I never knew you existed.
- Come on, Bunny.
- I love surprises.
Where's Nick sleeping?
My mother has this rule about sharing
when there's no ring involved...
- Don't be silly.
- What?
I am not as small-town
as my daughter seems to think.
Sorry about this.
I went through a painfully
earnest floral phase.
Air Supply?
Oh. My parents had a German
exchange student a few years back.
He must have left it here.
Everyone knows their greatest hits.
Some of their lesser-known ballads
are surprisingly poignant.
Is that an old habit from ballet class
or from a lifetime of walking on eggshells?
I never took ballet.
How'd you know that was me?
I have a friend at the magazine.
So much for anonymity.
Go ahead, take a look.
It's part of the package.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous.
I never thought anything like this
could happen to me.
This happened to you?
It happened in the sense that
I picked up the phone, tracked you down,
flew you over her and gave you $6,000.
- Will you grab my shampoo, please?
- Shampoo! Got it.
# I'm all out love,
I'm so lost without you
# I know you were right,
believing for so long
# I'm all out of love,
what am I without you?
# I can't be too late
to say that I was so wrong #
The part where you were
a sexual surrogate and then started to...
branch out, is...
Is that really how it happened?
The real story -
my mother was a hippie, and a stripper.
She was insanely inappropriate with me,
she washed her lingerie
in my bath water while I was still in it.
Oh.
So as an adult, I needed to find ways
to experience intimacy and sex
- but with rules that couldn't be violated.
- Wow.
I'm just screwing with you.
You shit.
OK, this part.
You say, and I quote,
"Every woman has
the exact love life she wants."
That seems a broad generalization... Oh!
Oh.
Do you honestly believe that
I want to be single and miserable?
Do you think that I want to be hung up
on some guy who led me on for years
and out of the blue shattered my heart?
First of all, there's no such thing
as out of the blue.
And second of all, yeah.
- What?
- When you're ready to let go,
to be un-single and un-miserable,
you will.
Till then...
So when you were talking to Jeffrey before,
how did he sound?
Like a harmless, self-absorbed toolbox.
Seriously.
He sounded tormented.
Tormented? How?
Like he's...
jealous that I'm here
with someone else, or like...
he regrets throwing away
our life together?
It's just that...
this hasn't really turned out
the way that I thought it would.
Hey, Nick.
Oh-oh-oh!
He seems more mature.
Run, you fat tart! Come on.
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop,
shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop #
Come on, throw it. Throw it!
# You'll look at me,
and even though I know... #
- Well played, darling.
- Ed!
What?
# One fine day... #
- Are you ready, TJ?
- Bugger off.
# You're gonna want me for your girl
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# Oh, yeah #
All right, batter, batter.
# The arms I long for will open wide
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# And you'll be proud to have me
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# Right by your side
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop
# One fine day
# You're gonna want me for your girl
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop #
- Move back.
- Yeah.
# Though I know you're the kind of boy... #
Come on, Kat.
- # Who only wants to run around #
- Batter up.
- You're up, Kat.
- # I'll be waiting... #
Go, Kat.
# Someday, darling, you'll come to me
# When you want to settle down, oh! #
Be nice to me, Jeffrey.
# One fine day, we'll meet once more
# Shoo be do be do be do be do wop wop #
- Out!
- Yes!
# One fine day... #
Lose the game.
# You're gonna want me for your girl #
No!
- Come on!
- Edward.
Come on!
Come on, you sexy little monkey. Come on!
- You're supposed to be helping.
- Oh, trust me. I am.
# One fine day, oh yeah
# One fine day
# You're gonna want me for your girl
# One fine day
# One fine day
# Oh yeah
# One fine day #
- What's with the socks?
- It's a golf-themed bachelorette.
Have you ever done a wedding before?
No, but I have done funerals.
An escort at a funeral? Someone's dead.
Yeah, imagine facing that alone.
Ah. Catch.
Make sure he stays on
the right side of the road.
- Which is, of course, the left.
- That's right.
So, are you ever attracted
to your clients?
I know you're curious about my business
but I really can't discuss other clients.
Come on! How many of them
want to sleep with you?
You know, I swear it's not about the sex.
It's about understanding what people need.
Please! You're like the Yoda of escorts.
Getting you on the phone
was harder than getting into college.
- No, I don't play games. No gimmicks.
- Mm-hm.
It's much more...
Subtle?
It's not about me.
It's about you.
Show me.
Come on.
Hmm... What's holding me back?
I think it's the words "morally repugnant".
Show me.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
You're safe, you can relax.
I'm not gonna kiss you.
He's gonna be so sorry he lost you.
So, stop worrying.
Forget the past.
Forget the pain.
And remember...
what an incredible woman you are.
If you do that,
he'll realize what he lost.
Holy crap!
You're worth every penny.
- You should get going.
- Mm-hm.
OK, Yoda.
To Amy!
# Girl, to be with you
is my favorite thing #
I thought you might need this.
Silly me. Where was my head?
- Bye.
- Listen, why don't you stay
- and have a little fiery drink with us, eh?
- Uh...
- It's fine.
- Come on.
You know you want to!
- Oh, I can see why.
- You're lovely.
Isn't he lovely? Have you smelt him?
He smells lovely!
Can you believe Kat gets to shag this guy?
No, really, you should send God
a bottle of wine or a quiche or something.
Look at those buns. Fresh from the bakery.
It must feel great getting paid
just for being you.
- Who says I'm being me?
- Excuse me.
Amy, thank you for granting me a rare
glimpse into a timeless female ritual.
Here's to the husbands who've won you,
the losers who've lost you
and the lucky bastards
who've yet to meet you.
And to the cock in the henhouse.
I can't believe you found him first.
I am so depressed.
Will somebody buy my hoo-hah a drink?
You remember when we took
the girls hiking in the Lake District?
- No.
- You do!
Blistering heat in the morning,
rained all afternoon.
No.
You backed your car
over a copper's bicycle.
- Sorry, no.
- The Rat And Gherkin.
- Splendid local scrumpy.
- Mm.
Amy wore that little bikini thing.
But somehow it was Kat
that got stung by nettles.
Kat never said a word until
Amy caught her scratching her arse.
Then you rubbed it with a dock leaf
to bring down the swelling.
Yeah, I remember it.
I didn't deserve her back then.
And you do now?
What is his problem?
- What?
- There's something about him I don't like.
He's less than 90 per cent body fat
and he's shagging your ex.
No, that is not it. Look at him,
he's walking around all American,
like he owns the place.
Oh, no!
Come on, this is your last chance.
Woody?
- Not yet, but it's getting there!
- It's getting there!
Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
I thought you were in San Francisco,
or was it Nepal?
Close. Sydney.
But it turns out that I missed the rain.
Did Kat tell you that she dumped you because
of your funky breath?
She's drunk.
But I didn't... I didn't
really dump you. Right?
Hard. But it was understandable,
you were one of the hottest girls in school.
And we know that Kat was
one of the hottest expats in school
because she was voted
Best Eyes and Brightest Smile
and the Most Likely To Age Well.
You're my half-sister but I whole love you.
How about you get
my half-sister a Seventh Hole?
- Tequila. Tequila.
- Sure.
Are you all right?
I don't know if I can do this.
The Seventh Hole?
No! The wedding.
I shouldn't be allowed to get married.
I shouldn't.
What are you talking about?
TJ!
Come on! Come on!
What's wrong with Jeffrey?
As if I would sleep with a stripper!
I'm about to get married. You have to...
It's been my experience that
a man in love doesn't want a prostitute.
Eddie, you did the right thing.
How do you know so much...
about so much?
I'm a hooker.
I like that.
# Baby!
# Sometimes I'm down
# I'm level, level with the ground
# Whoa
# Baby, you treat me
# Bad... #
# No, I know
# Know you don't mean it now
# I just don't know when to say bye-bye
# Yeah
# Uh
# Uh, uh
# Uh, uh, whoa!
# Baby
# I've got that feeling, baby... #
I just don't feel very well.
I'm gonna go. Give us a kiss.
- Ladies...
- How much do you rock, TJ?
...that was a top night.
Top night!
She's getting married!
# I'm all out of love
# I'm so lost without you
# I know you were right
# Believing for so long
# I'm all out of love
# What am I without you?
# I can't be too late
# I know I was so wrong
# I'm all out of love
# What am I without you?
# I can't be too late
# To say that I was so wrong... #
Are you OK?
Ooh! Ow!
# Watch the sun rise
# Say your goodbyes
# Off we go
# Some conversation
# No contemplation
# Hit the road
# Car overheats
# Jump out of my seat
# On the side of the highway, baby
# I know I don't know you
# But I want you so bad
# Everyone has a secret
# Oh, can they keep it?
# Oh, no, they can't #
- Morning.
- Morning.
Ahoy, there!
Hi, Dad.
I don't know what works for you
but I brought you some black coffee
and some stale crackers, egg and cheese
sandwich and a Bloody Mary.
That's very sweet of you.
But I need to ask you something.
What happened last night?
Nothing.
Thanks.
- Is this for last night?
- No! How could it be? Nothing happened.
If I was gonna charge you,
I said I'd tell you first.
I didn't want you to think that
I was expecting anything for free
or that I was expecting anything at all.
I mean, obviously
I was expecting something
or else I wouldn't have stopped at that ATM.
Just so you know, you're 300 short.
Wait, you're telling me that
if something happened last night,
I'd have to pay you $1,700?
That's a down payment on a Ford Focus.
Not dollars, pounds.
Besides, it includes, you know...
That's the extra 300.
Are you a boatsman, son?
I am now, sir.
I'm glad someone's
making use of her at last.
The boat, I mean.
"To defile." Four letters.
- Good morning, Daddy.
- Ah.
- What if I didn't want you to do that
to me? - The 300's for you doing it to me.
If anything had happened, it would have
been one of the highlights, for you.
- But nothing did.
- That's why you get to keep your money.
The wedding dance is
the most important dance moment
in a person's life.
A room full of friends and family,
watching, smiling,
betting on how long the marriage will last.
All you'll have is each other
and whatever skills you acquire today.
And pair off.
- # When marimba rhythms start to play... #
- Breathe. Good, that's a nice position.
Now, your left foot. Her right foot.
Good. And we'll try to
glide across the floor.
Come a little bit closer together. Moving.
Trying to turn.
What's the matter, Nick?
Two left feet?
Oh!
# Stay with me, sway with me
# Other dancers may be on the floor
# Dear, but my eyes will see only you
# Only you have that magic technique
# When we sway I go weak
# I can hear the sound of violins
# Long before it begins
# Make me thrill as only you know how
# Sway me smooth, sway me now
# Like a flower bending in the breeze
# Bend with me, sway with ease
# When we dance you have a way with me
# Stay with me, sway with me
# Like a flower bending in the breeze
# Bend with me, sway with ease
# When we dance you have a way with me #
When I told you
I'd never done a wedding before,
it wasn't because I'd never been asked.
I'd just never said yes.
Why'd you say yes to me?
There was something in your voice
on the phone that day.
Desperation?
I think it was hope.
Get a move on, you lovebirds.
I'm getting married in the morning.
- Ah, hello, Bambi.
- Darling, please don't do that.
Oh, wow.
That's a big bed.
You know what pisses me off?
I've been spilling my guts all weekend
and I don't know anything about you.
I'm allergic to fabric softener.
I'm majoring in comparative literature
at Brown. I hate anchovies.
I think I'd miss you
even if we'd never met.
Come on!
I'm a little concerned...
I'm just... It makes me nervous...
You know, I might just call you.
But if I did, I would lose,
because my hand is complete shite.
Ohhh.
- I'm in.
- Come on.
There's gotta be something wrong with him.
I bet his thingy bends, doesn't it?
Got a little kink in it.
Oh, no, don't tell me.
It's bloody perfect.
I'm going to see you.
Looky, looky here.
A full house.
Oh-ho-ho!
Has anyone seen my future wife?
She'll kill me if I don't serve her first.
Have you guys ever had
a real honest-to-God fight, ever?
- Yes, of course.
- Yeah, right.
Well, apparently,
makeup sex is the best kind.
Not that I'm ever going to find out.
Give me that!
- Come on!
- No, no!
- Don't!
- Come on!
You seem to have a way with women.
Why don't you go and rustle up the
bride? Get her to join the party.
Why are you bringing this up now?
I love Ed.
- What do you want from me?
- I want you to tell me...
Blue shirt or... white shirt
for the, er, rehearsal dinner?
Sorry to interrupt.
Your dad sent me.
What for?
To make sure you're OK.
Kat, could I have a word?
It'll only take a moment.
Let me think. You stole seven years of
her life with your bullshit and your charm
and now you'd like just a moment?
Sure. Go right ahead.
Thanks for the solidarity, Mum,
but next time a little less information.
Do you believe a place has a memory?
Even before Ed and I started dating,
we all used to come up here in the summer
and spend weekends.
God, I hope it doesn't remember everything.
No matter how certain
one is of one's position
of what one should or shouldn't do,
one sometimes discovers
that one is not as one would have
hoped one would have been.
- What exactly are you trying to say?
- I'm sorry.
Look, I feel like I need
to tell you something.
- You're not even listening.
- I'm sorry. I'll be back in a minute.
Hey, is everything OK?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anchovy, Nick?
I remember the day I met Kat.
It was in New York.
I'd been seeing Bunny for a few months
and she finally trusted me
enough to meet her kid.
So I'm over at her place
and in walks this little monster.
That was it. I was a goner.
That was the day I became a dad.
You know, Nick, you think it's going
to get easier as they get older,
that you're going to worry about them less.
Or that you're going
to trust the world more.
But that's just not how it happens.
This may not make much sense to you, sir,
but I'd like to ask your permission
to date your daughter.
I thought you already were.
- I blame... I blame Tony Peepants.
- No.
Let's have the story. Kat, come on.
- No.
- I have to initiate Nick into our family.
I blame Tony for why my two girls
just don't seem to be able to get along.
Don't deny it. You barely
tolerate each other.
Come on. It's true. The only thing you've
got in common is you're both attracted to me.
It started after we moved here.
My two girls got into a fight over Tony
Peepants and have never made up since.
Apparently, Kat and I were inseparable.
If Kat ate a banana, Amy threw it up.
If Amy threw it up, Kat ate it.
So we were eating
and throwing up together in harmony
until Tony walked me home
from school one day.
He was my first boyfriend.
Tony ignored Kat
because he wanted to play with me.
Anyway, the point of the story is that
Tony ended up with a chair in his face.
It was plastic and child-sized.
- As I recall, there were stitches involved.
- Come on, Bunny, 15 stitches.
So is that when he peed in his pants?
He cried a lot,
but there was no peeing.
So what's with the nickname?
I have absolutely no idea.
Let me get some more wine.
Would you marry me if I asked?
That was a yes. Did you see that?
And you know, I thought perhaps you...
Bollocks. Sorry.
I had no idea this would be so difficult.
I just feel like I owe you an explanation.
Relax, relax. It's fine.
I promise.
And I should probably admit that...
I brought Nick with me
to torture you, slowly,
for the entire weekend.
But then, I don't know,
something happened and now...
I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings
but I'm just sick of you and me.
Of our whole story, so come on, let's
just go upstairs and eat some tiramisu.
I slept with your sister.
- I'm sorry?
- Well, I shagged Amy, two years ago.
That's why I broke it off with you.
And then after you left,
sod it, we kept at it like rabbits,
until we both realized it was absolutely mad
and, obviously, morally wrong.
And then that was it.
But last Christmas, when Ed proposed,
I realized... I'm in love with her.
Good Lord, say something, please.
Oh, my God, he's told you, hasn't he?
- You knew?
- Kat, I'm so sorry. I'm so...
Kat. Kat, please.
Kat, please don't say anything.
I can't believe you told her.
What's going on?
Nothing.
It doesn't look like nothing.
Now is not the time to catch on, Ed.
OK. Good.
Leave me alone.
You knew and you didn't tell me.
- Wait up.
- I can't believe I trusted you.
Come on. You've got to stop running.
- How could you not have told me?
- What did you expect me to say?
You let me make a fool of myself.
You lied to me, but I guess I shouldn't be
surprised because that's what you do.
That's who you are. You're a liar.
You're judging me? That's a good one.
You're going to point a finger at me,
the guy that you hired
to pretend to be your boyfriend?
You're right. I was so desperate
to make everyone believe that I was happy
that I paid $6,000 for a lie.
And, at the end of the day, the only one
who ended up falling for it was me.
I wish I could say it was worth it.
Go ahead, Kat, hate me.
I think you're running out of steam
on this whole Jeffrey thing anyhow.
Maybe now you'll be able to hold on to this
long enough to ruin your next relationship.
- Nick.
- I'm just checking into a hotel.
Don't be ridiculous. It's late.
Take the car.
Actually, the boathouse is empty.
Look, I don't know what's going on with
you two but I'm sure you'll work it out.
You couldn't be more perfect
if she'd picked you out of a catalog.
Thanks, Ed.
Hey.
Hey.
I just... I wanted to say thank you
for not outing me in front of Ed.
I want to tell him,
just not the night before our wedding.
You know, with these things,
timing is everything.
You're right.
You should time it right,
so that when he hears that
you repeatedly screwed his best friend,
he won't feel like the world is collapsing
and there's no escape
because you tricked him into marrying you.
- Kat...
- Don't worry. Your wedding will be perfect.
Tomorrow I'll say all the right things
and you'll deal with Ed when you're ready.
But right now, tonight,
I'm not going to pretend it's OK.
And that's your first flight out?
# Another summer day
has come and gone away #
- All right, thanks.
- # In Paris and Rome
# I wanna go home
# Mmm
# Another aeroplane, another sunny place
# I'm lucky, I know
# But I wanna go home
# Mm, I've got to go home
# And I feel just like I'm living... #
- I'm OK.
- # Someone else's life
# It's like I just stepped outside... #
I don't believe you.
I'm fine, really.
Nothing a bottle of Jack
and a straight razor couldn't fix.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
It's Amy's day.
Get in the car, darling.
No, no. Smile.
Hello.
I've been looking for you.
So, why did you let him go?
- It's complicated, Dad.
- Right.
It probably wouldn't have
worked out anyway, huh?
I remember reading a fascinating article
in the New York Times Magazine once,
where this guy said,
"Every woman has
the exact love life she wants."
You know what? I agree with him.
But I refuse to believe
that this is what you want, Kat.
Ever since you were little,
you've always worried
about what other people think.
Now, come on. What do you think?
Is he the guy for you?
Then go and get him.
Hello, darling. Your mother said
you wanted to have a quick word.
No, no, no, I...
There's something
you should know before you marry me.
What is it?
I wanted to tell you
but I was afraid you'd never forgive me
and I just... I love you so much.
I'm sorry.
I knew you were seeing someone else when
we finally got together, but not Jeffrey.
Does Kat know?
Jeffrey told her last night.
Excuse me.
Ed?
Ed... Calm down, Ed.
Ed!
TJ!
Ah!
Ed, calm down!
It's all sorted! She wants you!
I've given up! What's the problem?
You back-stabbing weasel!
That's not fair.
It was before you guys were even dating.
But you were engaged to her sister.
Ed, calm down!
We can talk about this
like civilized human beings.
I look like a total wanker, don't I?
Yeah, kind of.
Get in the car, Ed.
He's halfway to France by now.
Whoa!
I trust you've enjoyed
your trip to England.
Yeah, it was fantastic.
Thanks, Eddie.
You know, I felt sorry
for you last night.
I was just sitting there like some smug
arse, thinking, "Aren't I a lucky sod?"
I forgave her when I thought
it was just some random bloke.
But not Jeffrey.
I've had her up on a pedestal ever since...
ever since I put her up there.
What a mess I've made, huh?
I'm so sorry.
The hardest thing's loving someone
and then having the courage
to let them love you back.
But if you know her shit
and she knows yours
and at the end of the day,
you still would rather give up than try...
nothing's ever gonna be worth it.
Maybe think about it this way.
You go back,
you get to spend the rest of your life
having really great makeup sex.
- Ed?
- Must run!
Hi.
Hi.
Last night, when we were fighting,
I thought this was over.
And I was going to leave you alone
and just take off but...
Then I realized I'd rather fight with you
than make love with anyone else.
- I should get going.
- What? No, you can't.
I have to.
I'm the best man.
# You can dance every dance
with the guy who gives you the eye
# Let him hold you tight
# And you can smile every smile
for the man who held your hand
# Beneath the pale moonlight
# But don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# So darling, save the last dance for me
# Oh, I know that the music's fine
like sparkling wine
# Go and have your fun
# Laugh and sing... #
- Let's do it.
- # But while we're apart
# Don't give your heart to anyone
# And don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# So darling, save the last dance for me #
Ed, there's no one in the world who knows
how to love my baby sister better than you.
Be good to one another.
To Amy and Ed.
Amy and Ed.
# You can dance
# Go and carry on till the night is gone
# And it's time to go
# If he asks
# If you're all alone, can he walk you home
# You must tell him no
# Cos don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# Save the last dance for me
# Oh, I know
# That the music's fine like sparkling wine
# Go and have your fun
# Laugh and sing
# But while we're apart
don't give your heart to anyone
# And don't forget who's taking you home
# And in whose arms you're gonna be
# So darling, save the last dance for me
# Save the last dance
# The very last dance
# For me #
# Another summer day
# Has come and gone away
# In Paris and Rome
# But I wanna go home
# Oh
# Maybe surrounded by
a million people, I...
# Still feel alone, just wanna go home
# Oh, I miss you, you know
# And I've been keeping
all the letters that I wrote to you
# Each one a line or two
# "I'm fine, baby, how are you?"
# Well, I would send them
but I know that it's just not enough
# My words were cold and flat
# And you deserve more than that
# Another aeroplane
# Another sunny place
# I'm lucky, I know
# But I wanna go home
# Mm, I've got to go home
# Let me go home
# I'm just too far from where you are
# I wanna come home
# And I feel just like
I'm living someone else's life
# It's like I just stepped outside
# When everything was going right
# And I know just why you could not
come along with me
# But this was not your dream
# But you always believed in me
# Another winter day
has come and gone away
# And even Paris and Rome
# And I wanna go home
# Let me go home
# And I'm surrounded by
a million people, I...
# I still feel alone, let me go home
# Oh, I miss you, you know
# Let me go home
# I've had my run
# Baby, I'm done
# I gotta go home
# Let me go home
# It will all be all right
# I'll be home tonight
# I'm coming back home #