The Yankles (2009) Movie Script
1
( Cheering ) - TV
announcer: It's game seven
of the American League
Championship Series,
and this series
is all even at 3-3.
The winner of this game goes
to the World Series.
This is what it's
all about in baseball.
The crowd going crazy...
It is deafening here in Chicago.
The Spirits lead 4-3.
The count...
Three balls and two strikes.
( Buzzer )
The Spirits are one out away
from their first
World Series in six years.
It all comes down
to this one pitch,
this one at-bat.
Baseball doesn't get any more
exhilarating than this.
- Here's the windup and the pitch.
- ( crack )
Deep fly ball hit to center
field, but it's playable.
Charlie Jones waves off
Dixon. He says he's got it.
If he makes this catch,
the Spirits will win it.
Jones is there and...
Oh, he dropped the ball!
Oh, I can't believe it!
Jones has dropped
what would have been
the final out.
His throw home will be late.
Two runs score for the Sox.
And no World Series
for the Spirits!
The Spirits lose on
an almost unbelievable error
by Charlie Jones.
I'VE GOT A GUARANTEED CONTRACT.
YOU CAN'T FIRE ME!
JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING.
CHARLIE'S IN REHAB
AND HE HASN'T TAKEN
A DRINK IN TWO MONTHS.
( Police radio chatter )
I KNOW, I DIDN'T STOP
AT THAT STOP SIGN
BACK THERE, DID I?
STEP OUT OF THE CAR, SIR.
JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENJudge: NOT TODAY,
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
YOU LISTEN VERY
CAREFULLY, MR. JONES.
I'll PUT THIS
INTO BASEBALL TERMS.
SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
YOU'VE GOT TWO D.U.I.s.
THAT'S TWO STRIKES.
ONE MORE AND YOU'RE OUFOR A VERY LONG TIME.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
( Woman sobbing )
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYMORE.
WHAT?!
HERE, BABY.
GO GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.
Woman: GO GET YOUR
LIFE TOGETHER. ( Echoes )
OH, GOSH.
COME ON, SWEETIE.
COME ON.
- ARE YOU EXCITED TO GO?
- ( siren wails )
Man: PULL THE VEHICLE OVER
TO THE RIGHT, IMMEDIATELY!
- RICKY!
- ( tires screech )
OH, MY GOD!
Man: PUT YOUR
HANDS ON THE WHEEL.
KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL.
- SIR, REMAIN IN THE VEHICLE!
- UP AGAINST THE CAR RIGHT NOW.
- Charlie: THAT WAS CLOSE.
- AGAINST THE CAR!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
HUGE MISTAKE.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
WATCH YOUR HEAD, SIR.
( Distant shouting )
( Whistling )
( Charlie sighs )
( Score playing )
( All chatting )
( Praying in Yiddish )
YOU DIDN'T SAY THE PRAYER.
I SAID IT TO MYSELF.
Instructor:
WE BEGIN THIS MORNING.
WITH THE CLASSIC DEBATE
BETWEEN ABBAYA AND RAVA.
SO ABBAYA POSES
THE QUESTION IN BUBBA MITZIA:
IF YOU LOSE, BUT DON'KNOW YOU LOST AN OBJECT,
WHAT IS THE OBLIGATION
OF THE PERSON TO YOU
WHO FINDS IT?
PAGE 70. MR. DUBINSKY, ALEF.
AND THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
NOW RAVA POSES THE QUESTION,
"HOW DO YOU KNOW
AN OBJECT WAS ABANDONED?
DOES IT MATTER
IF THE OBJECT WASHES UP
ON THE SHORE
OR IF IT WAS FOUND
ON A BOOKSHELF?"
IF I CAN FIGURE IT OUT,
SO CAN YOU.
YEAH, RIGHT!
IT CAN'T BE THAT HARD, ELLIOT.
JUST STUDY.
IT'S NOT THAT, ELIMELECH.
LOOK, I GET CONFUSED
BETWEEN THE RAMBAM,
THE RAMBAN, ABBAYA,
RABBA, HILLEL, SHAMMAI, RASHI.
WHO COULD CROSS-REFERENCE
2,500 RABBIS IN 30 VOLUMES?
- THE REBBE.
- THE REBBE.
UN VOS MIT YIDDISH?
MY YIDDISH IS FINE,
THANK YOU. ( Laughs )
I'M GOOD AT LANGUAGES.
ALL RIGHT, FINE, ARAMAIC
IS WHERE I FALL APART.
OH, DON'T WORRY, ELLIOT,
I'll HELP YOU.
WHO'S GONNA HELP YOU, SHNEIUR
ZALMAN? YOU FLUNKED TALMUD TWICE.
SO I'M NOT A TALMUD SCHOLAR.
I JUST WANT A DATE
WITH ELLIOT'S SISTER.
YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT IT, SHNEIUR
ZALMAN, SHE'S TWICE YOUR AGE.
- AND FOUR TIMES HIS INTELLECT.
- HEY!
- HEY, ELLIOT! ( Panting )
- WHAT?
I HEARD FROM SHRAGA FIVISH, WHO
BUMPED INTO MENACHEM YOSEPH
WHEN HE WAS LEAVING SHEUR,
AND SAW THE REBBE MENTION
YOUR NAME TO RABBI MEYER.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THE REBBE'S
GONNA CALL ON YOU TODAY.
OR SHRAGA FIVISH IS A LIAR.
NO, DON'T WORRY, ELLIOT.
IT'S A BIG HONOR.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, ELIMELECH.
WHY WOULD HE WANNA SEE ME?
ELIYAHU, THE REBBE
WANTS TO SEE YOU.
GO.
ELIYAHU, DO YOU
KNOW WHO BETSALEL WAS?
BETSALEL WAS AN ARCHITECT.
VERY GOOD, ELIYAHU.
GOD CHOSE BETSALEL TO DESIGN
AND CONSTRUCT THE MISHKAN,
THE TABERNACLE.
HE HAD TALENT.
GOD KNEW THIS.
NOW, I AM CHOOSING YOU
BECAUSE OF YOUR TALENT.
I BELIEVE GOD BROUGHT YOU HERE
FOR A REASON, ELIYAHU.
THEREFORE, I AM
GIVING PERMISSION
FOR THE YESHIVA
TO JOIN THE N.I.S.A.
THE NATIONAL INTERCOLLEGIATE
SPORTS ASSOCIATION.
IT'S A SMALL LEAGUE.
MOSTLY LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGES.
NOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE USED TO.
I'M SORRY, ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT BASEBALL?
OF COURSE, NU.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU PLAY?
WELL, I
REB YAAKOV, I ACTUALLY
PLAYED PROFESSIONALLY,
SO I DON'T REALLY
THINK I'D BE ELIGIBLE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, ELIYAHU.
THAT IS WHY RABBI MEYER
ALREADY RECEIVED
SPECIAL PERMISSION.
FROM THE LEAGUE COMMISSIONER.
IT'S OKAY.
HE SAID YOU COULD PLAY.
AND YOU CAN COACH, YES?
AND I'll BE YOUR ASSISTANT.
IT'S ALL BEEN ARRANGED.
RABBI MEYER HAS TOLD ME
ABOUT MAX MEYER'S PARK.
YOU PLAY BASEBALL
EVERY SUNDAY, YES?
WELL, YEAH, BUT THAT'S
JUST A FRIENDLY GAME.
AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD
THAT SOME OF OUR STUDENTS
CAN HIT THE BALL
PRETTY GOOD, YES?
WELL, ACTUALLY,
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
I MEAN, SHNEIUR
ZALMAN, THAT GUY CAN HIT.
AND PINKY AND SHMULIK,
THEY'RE PRETTY SOLID.
ELIEZER'S, HE IS A SOUTHPAW
WITH THIS WICKED FASTBALL.
IT'S REALLY FAST.
LOOK, REB YAAKOV,
THERE'S PIECES,
BUT THERE'S NO TEAM.
ELIYAHU, WHERE DID BETSALEL
GET THE MATERIALS
TO BUILD THE TABERNACLE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT?
PUT FORTH THE WORD, ELIYAHU,
AND THE PLAYERS WILL COME.
IT'S NOT MAX MEYER'S PARK,
BUT IT'S SOMEWHERE TO PLAY.
IS IT EVEN REGULATION? IDOESN'T LOOK REGULATION TO ME.
AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
OH, IT'S REGULATION, GUYS.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
I'M TIRED OF FIRST BASE,
ELLIOT. CAN I PLAY SECOND?
SHMULIK, YOU'RE A LEFTY.
YOU'RE STUCK ON FIRST.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, SCHMUCK?
HEY, SIMCHA.
WHAT ABOUT THE ETHIOPIANS?
THEY SEEM PRETTY ATHLETIC.
YEAH, I THINK THAT'S
NOT A BAD IDEA.
- LET'S GO, TESHOME, RIGHT, AND MALASA?
- YEAH, YEAH.
( Buzzer )
( Buzzer )
( Buzzer )
OH, SHIT.
- CHARLIE!
- ( reporters clamoring )
CHARLIE, TELL US HOW YOU FEEL. DO
YOU THINK YOUR FANS HAVE FORGIVEN YOU?
( Horn honks ) - WILL YOU
PLAY BASEBALL AGAIN?
WHERE ARE YOU DOING
YOUR COMMUNITY SERVICE?
LET'S GO, CHARLIE.
CHARLIE, DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN PLAY IN THE MAJORS?
- WELCOME TO FREEDOM, MY FRIEND.
- YEAH.
WHO CALLED THE DAMN
PRESS CONFERENCE?
NOT ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...
"ONCE FAMOUS, TWICE INFAMOUS."
IS THAT WHAT THEY SAY?
SO, WHERE WE GOIN'?
DOWNTOWN.
OH, YOUR NEW PLACE?
IT'S A SURPRISE.
OH-HO.
BASEBALL BE VERY, VERY
GOOD TO YOU, MY FRIEND.
IT'S A BETTER VIEW, HUH?
YEAH.
IT USED TO BE AN ART STUDIO.
JUST BOUGHT THE PLACE LAST YEAR
AND HAD 'EM THROW
IN ALL THE ART.
PROBABLY PAID TOO MUCH FOR THAT,
BUT I FIGURE IT SAVES ME FROM
DECORATING. YOU WANT A SODA?
YEAH, SURE.
I STOCKED THIS FRIDGE FOR YA.
I CALL THIS MY HOME
AWAY FROM HELL.
NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT,
MAN, NOT EVEN MY EX-WIFE.
THANK GOD.
- LOW PROFILE. JUST WHAT YOU WANTED.
- ( opens can )
JUST LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU MOVE OUSO I CAN GET THE PLACE
FUMIGATED.
CHEERS, MAN. UM, THANKS.
TO A
A NEW BEGINNING.
- YEAH. YEAH.
- YEAH.
HEY, YOU'RE GONNA HATE ME,
BUT THE LAST FLIGHT OUTTA
L.A.X. IS 9:00, SO I GOTTA GO.
YEAH, SPRING TRAINING.
SPRING TRAINING. SPRING
BORING. SAME OLD THING.
- HEY.
- THANKS, DUDE, APPRECIATE IT.
I GOT MY CELL PHONE ON ME,
SO YOU CALL ME ANYTIME, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, AND, CHARLIE?
CONSIDER THIS PLACE YOURS.
THANKS, DUDE.
SEE YA AROUND.
( Door closes )
MMM, MMM, MMM. DON'HE STILL LOOK FINE?
WHO YOU IN LOVE
WITH THIS WEEK, TERRY?
NOBODY.
JUST YOUR KNIGHT IN RUSTY ARMOR.
THOUGHT HE GOT TWO YEARS?
HE MADE PAROLE.
I GUESS HE BEHAVED HIMSELF.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM?
WELL, GIRL, GIVE
THE MAN A CHANCE.
TERRY, I TOLD YOU,
IT'S OVER BETWEEN US.
OKAY, WELL, DO A FRIEND A FAVOR.
AFTER YOU BREAK HIS HEART,
SEND HIS ASS MY WAY.
( laughs )
ALL RIGHT, PINKY,
THIS ONE'S COMING TO YOU.
Elliot: NICE, NICE.
ALL RIGHT, ELIMELECH,
STEP UP. YOU READY?
THERE YOU GO.
GET THAT GLOVE. YEAH!
NICE, MAN,
WAY TO COVER THE BOUNCE.
THAT'S GOOD. AW, GREAT!
- I'M GLAD YOU GUYS MADE IT.
- NO PROBLEM, ELLIOT. WE LOVE BASEBALL.
AND RABBI NUSEBAUM IS
GIVING US EXTRA CREDIT.
EVEN BETTER.
LOOK, YOU WANT YOUR ELBOW
PARALLEL TO THE MOUND
AS IT CROSSES YOUR BODY
WITH A RELEASE POINT.
HERE, FIGURE 6.2.
SO WHERE'D YOU GUYS
LEARN TO PLAY? ETHIOPIA?
NO, NO, IN ETHIOPIA
WE PLAY CRICKET.
THE GRANDFATHER
OF YOUR BASEBALL.
BUT YOU GUYS HAVE PLAYED
BALL IN THE STATES, RIGHT?
OH, YES, A LITTLE BIIN THE LITTLE LEAGUE.
USUALLY IN THE OUTFIELDS.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S EASIER
TO CATCH A FLY BALL
THAN A RUNNING SHEEP. ( Laughs )
WOW, THAT WAS GREAT.
IS THAT ETHIOPIAN?
NO, INGLEWOOD.
Man on TV:
One out, runner's at first.
He has a nice lead off.
Here's the stretch...
WRONG DOOR, RABBI.
TEMPLE'S DOWN THE STREET.
Man: MIND YOUR MANNERS, WALDO.
It's sad to watch Charlie Jones
his last few games.
After he dropped that fly ball in the
American League Championship Series,
it just felt like his whole life
went spiraling out of control.
CLYDE, COME ON, IT'S ME.
- ELLIOT?
- YEAH.
BLOODY MARY, LOOK AT YOU.
I DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YA!
LAST TIME I SAW
YOU IN A UNIFORM,
IT HAD A NUMBER SIX ON THE BACK.
FRANKIE DIDN'T TELL
ME YOU GRADUATED.
OH, NO, I'M NOT A RABBI YET.
COME ON OVER, BOYS.
DON'T BE SHY.
SIT OVER HERE.
HAVE A SELTZER ON THE HOUSE.
SO, UM... CLYDE.
SHOULDN'T MY DAD BE HERE BY NOW?
I'll BE EXPECTIN' FRANKIE
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
IF YOU WANT TO WAIT.
OH, AN HOUR? REALLY?
I DON'T THINK I CAN
WAIT THAT LONG.
Female TV announcer: When is
someone gonna dig down a little deeper
and find out the real
Charlie Jones?
Male announcer: We
found the real Charlie Jones.
- No, you have not.
- HEY, CLYDE, COULD YOU TURN THAT UP?
Charlie Jones is a case
of riches to rags.
In two years' time,
he's dropped from a Spirit
on cloud nine
with a .328 average
and a Gold Glove,
to a fallen spirit
who's hitting the bottle
instead of the ball,
fist-fighting with fans,
alienating himself
from his teammates,
and mouthing off to the press.
Veronica, his playing
days are over.
All right, but let's not forget
that was 18 months ago.
He's obviously been
a model prisoner.
He's getting an early parole.
Yeah, because he's
got to do 192 hours
- of community service.
- That's right.
Look, if you ask me,
they're giving him
special treatment.
I LOST 250 BUCKS
ON THAT PENNANT GAME
'CAUSE THAT BOOZER CAN'EVEN CATCH A FLY BALL.
Veronica: Charlie Jones has not been
treated well. He's just done 18 months.
L'HODLICKNER SHEL SHABBOS.
SHABBAT SHALOM.
SHABBAT SHALOM.
SO, UM, HAVE YOU GIVEN
ANY CONSIDERATION
TO MY SUGGESTIONS?
YOU KNOW, AVRAM,
ALL THIS RETIREMENT STUFF,
I MEAN, MY OFFICE
TAKES CARE OF IT,
SO I DON'T REALLY
BOTHER UNDERSTANDING.
OH, BUT YOU SHOULD.
401(K) PENSION PLANS
WITH MONEY PURCHASE OPTIONS
SHOULDN'T BE LEFT TO YOUR BOSS.
NOW, NONSTANDARDIZED
PLAN DOCUMENTS
I WOULD RECOMMEND FAR MORE
THAN ADOPTION AGREEMENTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
OH, SURE.
I MEAN, IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
- ( Doorbell rings )
- GOOD... I MEAN, THE BELL.
- OH, SHIT.
- WHO IS IT?
I'll BE RIGHT BACK.
- HEY, DEBRA.
- CHARLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
SURPRISE.
NOTHING YOU DO
SURPRISES ME ANYMORE.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED, CHARLIE.
I WILL CALL YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S MY NEW NUMBER.
YOU GONNA CALL ME?
YES, YES, I'll CALL YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE?
NEXT TIME, USE THE PHONE,
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE
YOUR SURPRISES ANYMORE.
Avram: DEBRA?
SORRY, AVRAM, THAT WAS
MY EX-BOYFRIEND.
HE JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON.
AND HE DOESN'T HAVE
A PENSION PLAN EITHER.
LET'S EAT.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
Man: COME ON, ELIEZER!
YOU CAN DO IT!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
- RUN, RUN, RUN!
- COME ON!
HEAD HOME. HEAD HOME!
Man: THROW IT! THROW IT!
( Chanting )
- THROW THE RELAY!
- PINKY, PINKY, YOU'RE THE RELAY.
I COVER SECOND. GO!
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
( Chanting )
OY VEY ZMIR! WHAT'S
HAPPENING HERE?
YOU LOOKED SO GOOD IN PRACTICE!
YEAH.
( Speaking Yiddish )
AMEN.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
THANKS TO ZALMAN'S HOMER,
IT WASN'T A COMPLETE SHUTOUT.
WHO CARES IF WE GET ONE RUN
IF THE OTHER TEAMS GET EIGHT?
YEAH, I DON'T SEE
MUCH TO CELEBRATE.
WELL, IF YOU GUYS
COULD HIT THE BALL,
MAYBE WE COULD WIN.
NOT WHEN YOU HAVE 28 ERRORS.
YEAH, ZALMAN, I MEAN, NO
CATCHER LEAVES HOME PLATE
WITH A RUNNER ON THIRD, YOU
SCHMUCK. THAT'S MESHUGANA.
- NO, ELIEZER, THAT WAS YOUR FAULT.
- MY FAULT?
YEAH, THAT'S YOUR FAULT.
YOU'VE GOTTA COVER THAT BALL
SO HE CAN STAY AT HOME.
MICHA'S SUPPOSED TO COVER THIRD.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
WE HAVEN'T GOT TO THACHAPTER IN THE BOOK YET.
( laughing )
COME ON, YOU'RE
THE COACH, ELLIOT.
QUIT SLEEPING ON THE JOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT REALLY.
I NEED HELP. I AM NOT A COACH.
YOU HAVE RABBI MEYER.
YOU GUYS ARE NOT GONNA LEARN
HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL FROM A BOOK.
THIS IS NOT TALMUD,
IT IS A SPORT.
YOU NEED GOOD
COACHING, NOT THE LIBRARY.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH RABBI MEYER.
MAYBE YOU COULD RECOMMEND
A BETTER BOOK.
( laughing )
OY, MY CUPCAKE!
( Growls )
COME ON, ELLIOT, WHO ELSE IS
GONNA COACH US? RABBI NUSEBAUM?
ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT IT,
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS
I KNOW THE PERFECT COACH.
WHO?
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU GUYS
THERE IS AN EX-MAJOR
LEAGUE CENTER FIELDER
WHO'D BE WILLING TO VOLUNTEER?
WHO, YOUR DAD?
NO, NOT MY DAD.
CHARLIE JONES. FROM THE
SPIRITS. YOU GUYS KNOW HIM?
YOU MEAN THE BOOZER WHO
BOTCHED THE BALL? ISN'T HE IN JAIL?
NO, HE'S NOT IN JAIL...
ANYMORE. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HE'S OUT ON PAROLE, RIGHT, AND
HE HAS TO DO COMMUNITY SERVICE.
LOOK, ELLIOT, WE'RE
TRYING TO WIN HERE.
YES, OF COURSE
WE ARE TRYING TO WIN.
AND I KNOW HE'S NOT AS
POPULAR AS VLADIMIR GUERRERO,
BUT AT LEAST HE
DOESN'T NEED A BOOK.
YEAH, HE'S GOTHE TEACHER'S EDITION.
THE REBBE'S NEVER
GONNA GO FOR IT.
OH, SINCE WHEN DO YOU
SPEAK FOR THE REBBE?
OF COURSE, I WILL
TALK TO THE REBBE.
BUT THE REBBE'S STILL
NEVER GONNA GO FOR IT.
THIS CHARLIE JONES,
HE IS A JEW?
UH, NO, REBBE YAAKOV.
SO, HOW IS IT THIS MAN
IS WILLING TO VOLUNTEER?
WELL, HE'S A FAMILY FRIEND.
AND I THINK IT WOULD MAKE HIM
REALLY HAPPY, REBBE YAAKOV.
HE'S RETIRED.
I SEE.
OKAY, ELIYAHU. BRING HIM TO ME.
BUT REMEMBER,
ONE'S CHARACTER
WILL EARN HIM A PLACE
IN THE WORLD TO COME.
ONE'S ABILITY WILL ONLY
EARN HIM A PAYCHECK.
I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WINNING
AT THE EXPENSE OF SINNING.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
OF COURSE, REBBE YAAKOV.
OF COURSE.
THANK YOU.
"PLEASED TO CONSIDER YOUR
APPLICATION," BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
"SORRY TO REPORT UNABLE,"
YOU MEAN UNWILLING!
Man: Hello, this is Paul
Beck from Central High.
Appreciate your
interest in workin'
with our girls' softball team,
but I talked with the principal
and he didn't think
it was such a good idea.
Sorry, Charlie.
( Beeps )
Hi, Charlie, it's Debra.
Sorry about Friday.
Um, I've got
my new favorite spot.
It's called Maximillian's
on the corner
of Pico and La Cienega.
How about 5:30?
Give me a call, okay? Bye.
( Beeps )
HEY.
ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
UH-HUH, YEAH?
IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
PLEASE.
THIS IS YOUR NEW FAVORITE SPOT?
IT'S A JEWISH RESTAURANT.
EVER HAD KOSHER FOOD, CHARLIE?
I THINK THE HOT DOGS ATHE BALLPARK ARE JEWISH,
I MEAN KOSHER.
SOME ARE, SOME AREN'T.
HOW YA DOIN', CHARLIE?
WHO'S THIS?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER
MY BROTHER ELLIOT?
ELLIOT? HOLY SHIT!
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
PLAYING DOUBLE-A BALL.
I MEAN, WHAT, DID THEY
CHANGE YOUR UNIFORM?
NO, I, UH
I GAVE IT UP, CHARLIE.
I'M AT YESHIVA TORAH V'LIMUD.
I'M STUDYING TO BE A RABBI.
A RABBI?
GOOD EVENING,
WELCOME TO MAXIMILLIAN'S,
HOME OF THE FIVE-POUND RUGELACH.
ANYTHING TO DRINK, SIR?
COFFEE'S COOL.
- A WATER'S FINE FOR ME, THANK YOU.
- I'M FINE.
I'M NOT DRINKING ANYMORE.
I HAVEN'T HAD A DROP
IN 18 MONTHS.
Elliot: GOOD FOR YOU, CHARLIE.
THAT'S... THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
SO, WHAT IS THIS, HUH?
UM, WELL, I INVITED YOU HERE
BECAUSE ELLIOT HAS SOMETHING
HE'D LIKE TO ASK YOU, CHARLIE.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
GONNA BE ALONE.
Elliot: YOU WILL BE,
CHARLIE, I PROMISE.
I JUST REALLY NEED FIVE MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT, MAKE IT QUICK.
THIS IS YESHIVA TORAH V'LIMUD,
MY COLLEGE, AND, UM
WE STARTED A HARDBALL
TEAM AND, UM
WE WERE HOPING THAT YOU
MIGHT WANT TO BE OUR MANAGER.
HERE'S THE BROCHURE.
AND THIS WOULD BE A GREAT WAY TO
KNOCK OUT YOUR COMMUNITY SERVICE.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN 192
HOURS... THAT CAN FLY BY QUICK.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU'RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD.
LISTEN, ELWOOD,
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A MAJOR LEAGUE BALLPLAYER,
BUT I'M NOT A MIRACLE WORKER.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE,
WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT IT, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT, I'll GIVE IT.
SERIOUS CONSIDERATION.
CHARLIE, PLEASE.
MY NUMBER'S ON THE BACK, OKAY?
- THANK YOU.
- BYE.
ARE YOU GUYS READY?
THAT'S OKAY, CHARLIE, I GOT IT.
WE'LL START WITH THE
GEFILTE FISH, LUNGEN STEW.
OH, AND TZIMIS.
OH, HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
HOUSE RULES, SIR.
HA-HA.
YEAH, HA-HA, WHATEVER.
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
JEWISHNESS ALL OF A SUDDEN?
MY MOM, CHARLIE.
MY DEEPEST CONDOLENCES.
I'M JUST SO SORRY.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, SO WHAT WERE
YOU SAYING ABOUT YOUR MOM?
UM, HER DYING WISH
WAS THAT ELLIOT GO
AND VISIT HER SIDE
OF THE FAMILY IN ISRAEL.
OKAY.
SO, ELLIOT WENT TO JERUSALEM,
AND TWO MONTHS
TURNED INTO TWO YEARS,
AND WHEN HE CAME BACK,
HE WAS ORTHODOX
AND HAD GIVEN UP BASEBALL.
HOLY SHIT.
THAT MUST HAVE KILLED YOUR DAD.
ALMOST. ( Laughs )
BUT THEN HE HATCHED A PLAN
AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
AH, TO TALK SOME SENSE
INTO ELLIOT, HUH?
NO, CHARLIE.
MY DAD HAD IT ALL WRONG.
ELLIOT'S NOT BRAINWASHED.
HE'S OPEN-MINDED.
AND NOW I UNDERSTAND
WHAT DREW HIM
TO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
COMMUNITY. HISTORY.
SPIRITUALITY.
SO, THE PLAN BACKFIRED?
WELL, I'M NOT AS
RELIGIOUS AS ELLIOT,
BUT I'M IN A DIFFERENPLACE NOW.
SO
WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?
FRIENDS, CHARLIE.
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.
( Distant shouting )
WHICH ONE'S FRANKIE DUBS' KID?
THE FAT ONE WITH THE BOOK?
NO, I HOPE THAT'S THE RABBI.
NO, DUBS IS PLAYIN' SHORTSTOP.
WHAT'S WITH THE UNIFORMS?
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY
WENT TO A FUNERAL
AND A GAME BROKE OUT.
I DON'T KNOW, BIBLE
COLORS. BLACK ON WHITE.
I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, DID YOU CALL
HOWARD ROPER, MAN?
THAT GUY LOVED YOU
IN THE MINORS.
YOU HIT 44 HOME RUNS
FOR HIM THAT SEASON.
HE ACTED LIKE HE
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
I'M DONE, MAN,
I CALLED EVERYBODY I KNOW.
MARK CAMPBELL, JIM LOCKLIN.
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S BETTER
THAN PICKIN' UP GARBAGE, HUH?
THE JURY'S STILL OUON THAT ONE, BUDDY.
HEADS UP, WE GOTTA GO.
( Whistles ) COMING HOME!
WELCOME TO YESHIVA
TORAH V'LIMUD.
ELLIOT TELLS ME THAT WITH YOU,
THE YANKLES CAN WIN THE GAME.
WELL, IT'S GONNA BE
A TEAM EFFORT HERE.
I MEAN, I'll DO MY PART,
BUT GUARANTEES?
WELL, I'M NOT SO SURE.
YES, YES, VERY GOOD.
MOISHE, YOUR BOOK,
MAY I SEE IT?
THANK YOU.
YOU MAY NEED THIS.
A GOOD BOOK IS ALWAYS
A BLESSING.
YEAH, OKAY.
NOW, ELIYAHU, I AM CONFIDENTHAT WE WILL SEE MUCH
NACHAS FROM THE YANKLES.
NACHAS, PRIDE.
OH, YEAH, GOD WILLING.
SO
I LEAVE IT TO YOU, MR. JONES,
ELIYAHU, AND OF COURSE,
RABBI MEYER. MAZEL TOV.
MAZEL TOV'S GOOD LUCK.
GOOD... MAZEL TOV, YEAH.
THANK YOU, REB YAAKOV.
SEE YA.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THE WORM CRAWLED
OUT OF HIS BOOKS.
WHY DOES THE FIRST THING OUT OF
YOUR MOUTH HAVE TO BE AN INSULT?
RELIGIOUS FREAK.
NOW IT'S THE SECOND.
NOTHING'S CHANGED.
SOME OF US ARE HAPPY
RIGHT WHERE WE ARE.
THAT BLACK MONKEY SUIDOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK
ANY SMARTER, YOU KNOW.
AND YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME
IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS.
( Burps )
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD, WOULD
YOU JUST CALM DOWN, PLEASE?
I ACTUALLY CAME HERE BECAUSE
I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.
YOU'VE BEEN KICKED OUOF THE YESHIVA?
THE REBBE STARTED
A BASEBALL TEAM.
IT'S A HARDBALL TEAM, AND, UM
I'M PLAYING SHORTSTOP.
AND WE GOT CHARLIE JONES
TO AGREE TO COACH.
CHARLIE JONES?
NO SHIT!
I CAN SEE THE HEADLINES NOW.
EX-CON ALCOHOLIC COACHES RABBIS.
WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR
CRAP-ASS YESHIVA TEAM?
YOU WERE PLAYIN'
DOUBLE-A BALL, ELLIOT.
THE SAN ANTONIO MISSIONS!
WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S OUR SCHEDULE.
JUST, YOU KNOW, BRING DEBRA.
HELL, BRING A SIX-PACK.
YOU'LL HAVE A GOOD
TIME, ALL RIGHT?
THE YANKLES?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH
I INVESTED IN YOU, ELLIOT.
I PAID TOP DOLLAR
FOR THE BEST SCHOOLS,
THE BEST BASEBALL CAMPS,
I CALLED OUT FAVORS,
I PUT YOUR MOTHER THROUGH HELL,
AND THIS IS...
THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE ME,
MR. YESHIVA BOCHER?
THE YANKLES?
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD? WHEN
ARE YOU GONNA WAKE UP, HUH?
I WAS NEVER GONNA
MAKE THE MAJORS!
NEVER.
DON'T SAVE ME
ANY SEATS, WILL YA?
NO, WE ALREADY HAVE
A GAME ON SUNDAY.
THAT'S THE 16th?
NO, NO, NO, WE CAN'T MAKE UP
APRIL 13th ON TUESDAY THE 18th.
THAT'S THE DAY BEFORE PASSOVER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, THE 20th IS NO GOOD EITHER.
THAT'S ALSO PASSOVER.
JESUS CHRIST, RABBI.
HOW LONG DOES PASSOVER
LAST, A MONTH?
LISTEN, WE'VE GOT 500 GAMES
TO SCHEDULE THIS SEASON.
YOU'RE THE ONLY TEAM
WITH RELIGIOUS BLACKOUT DATES.
NOW BE REASONABLE.
IF YOU CAN'T WORK
IT OUT WITH LUTHERAN,
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO TAKE A FORFEIT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, I'VE ALREADY BENTHE RULES FOR YA ONCE, RABBI.
MIGHT I REMIND YOU,
YOU HAVE AN INELIGIBLE PLAYER.
NOW THAT'S JUST THE WAY
IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE.
YES, YOU JUST WORK
IT OUT WITH LUTHERAN.
NOW DON'T BOTHER ME
ABOUT THIS AGAIN, RABBI.
NOW, I GOTTA GO.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. BYE.
WITHERS!
SHIT, WITHERS. WHAT DO YOU
GOTTA SLITHER AROUND HERE FOR?
HAS THAT RABBI COACH
FOR THE YANKLES
BEEN COMPLAININ'
ABOUT THEIR SCHEDULE?
NO, HE HASN'T SAID
ANYTHING TO ME.
WHAT A HEADACHE!
THEY BLACKED OUT HALF THE SEASON
WITH JEWISH HOLIDAYS!
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FRIDAYS,
SATURDAYS, AND PASSOVER.
YEAH, WHATEVER. I
REALLY DON'T GIVE A CRAP.
THEY'RE GONNA BE THE DOORMATS
OF THE WESTERN DIVISION ANYWAY.
MAKE EVERYONE ELSE LOOK GOOD.
WESTERN DIVISION SHOULD
BE KISSIN' MY ASS
I LET THEM IN THE LEAGUE.
( Knocks )
GOOD MORNING, MR. JONES.
YOUR DESK IS RIGHT OVER THERE.
RABBI MEYER.
"CHARLIE JONES."
MR. JONES.
JUST CALL ME "COACH," ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I LIKE COACH BETTER.
OKAY, COACH, LOOKS LIKE
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FORFEIT LUTHERAN.
SCHEDULING CONFLICTS.
IT'S NOT LIKE ONE GAME'S GONNA
MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE ANYWAYS, HUH?
WELL, IT DID LAST YEAR.
LUTHERAN WAS SHUT OUOF THE PLAYOFFS BY ONE LOSS.
PLAYOFFS? IF THE
YANKLES DON'T FINISH LAST,
I'M DOING MY JOB, ALL RIGHT?
BESIDES, THAT'S
PROBABLY WAY PAS192 HOURS ANYWAY, SO
BY THE WAY, I'M A LEFTY.
THIS GOES ON YOUR LEFT.
THE MACHINE OPERATES
THROUGH A SERIES
RIGHT, RIGHT, I GOT IT.
WHAT IS THIS, A FREAKIN' CIRCUS?
( Whistles )
HEY, ALL YOU CLOWNS LINE
UP ON THE THIRD BASE LINE.
COME ON, RIGHT NOW!
FROM WHAT I CAN SEE,
EACH ONE OF YOU HAS TALENT.
IT'S NOT ALL-STAR TALENT.
BASEBALL IS A TEAM SPORT,
AND WHAT I INTEND TO DO
IS WHIP YOUR ASSES
INTO A LEAN, COHESIVE UNIT.
I KNOW YOU CAN HIT.
BUT IT TAKES YOU LONGER
TO GET TO FIRS- THAN IT WILL TO GRADUATE.
- ( laughing )
SO, BACK OFF THE TWINKIES,
LAY OFF THE HO HOS,
AND NO DING DONGS FOR DINNER.
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU
DH. DESIGNATED HITTER.
THANKS, COACH, NOW I DON'HAVE TO SQUAT ALL DAY.
NOW SERIOUSLY, GENTLEMEN.
YOU CAN'T BE A BASEBALL TEAM
UNLESS YOU LOOK LIKE
A BASEBALL TEAM.
AND RIGHT NOW YOU LOOK LIKE
A TEAM OF UNDERTAKERS.
MENDEL, THE TAILOR,
IS MAKING UNIFORMS.
HE SAYS THEY WILL BE READY
IN TIME FOR THE PLAYOFFS.
- THE PLAYOFFS?
- UH-HUH.
OH, GOOD, JUST IN TIME.
ALL RIGHTY THEN.
LET'S PLAY BALL!
- ( Whistles )
- NO.
YOU WHISTLE. YOU WHISTLED.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. HEY, FREEZE.
PUT YOUR ELBOW DOWN.
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN!
GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S
GO. HERE COMES THE PITCH.
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, GOOD JOB!
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP NEXT TIME.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO. SLIDE!
HEY, HEY! COME BACK HERE.
THIS IS A SLIDING DRILL!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
ELIMELECH DOESN'T SLIDE, COACH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HE DOESN'T SLIDE?
COME ON, ARMS IN THE AIR.
GET YOUR BUTT DOWN, CLEATS
UP IN THE AIR. YOU CAN DO IT.
JUST LIKE FIGURE 5.6.
I CAN'T, COACH.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. YOU'RE
NOT GONNA GET HURT.
I CAN'T, I DON'T SLIDE.
THE CHAFETZ CHAIM
SAYS THAT ONE SHOULD
ONLY SACRIFICE THE BODY
TO SAVE A LIFE.
WELL, MAYBE IF THE DUDE KNEW
THAT BY A SLIDE
INTO SECOND YOU COULD
PUT A RUNNER IN
SCORING POSITION,
HE'D THINK DIFFERENTLY.
COACH, PLEASE. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO SLIDE,
HE DOESN'T WANT TO SLIDE.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT, RABBI!
THAT IS A MAJOR LIABILITY.
- WHAT'S GOING ON, COACH?
- LET'S GO ALREADY!
- COME ON, COACH!
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
COACH, GIVE ME THE BOOK.
I WANT YOU TO RUN THESE
DRILLS RIGHT HERE,
IN THE BACK
OF CHAPTER SEVEN, ALL RIGHT?
I'M DONE FOR THE DAY.
BUT, COACH, WE STILL
HAVE ANOTHER HOUR.
NOT ME, I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT.
WHERE'S HE GOING?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
"YESH-IVA
TOE-RAH
( stammers ) VEL-MOOD?"
WHAT IN THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE
WANT WITH YOU? A PRAYER COACH?
BASEBALL TEAM.
IT'S AN UPSTART,
BUT I SEE POTENTIAL THERE.
AND THIS IS BETTER
THAN LITTLE LEAGUE?
YOU DON'T SEE ME
SMILING, DO YOU?
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE.
WELL, I GUESS AS LONG
AS IT'S NONPROFIT,
BUT I MAY HAVE TO DROP BY
TO TAKE A LOOK AT THINGS
AND SEE IF THEY'RE KOSHER.
- CAN I GO NOW?
- NOT SO FAST.
FILL 'ER UP, BIG GUY.
( Chattering )
( Knock on door )
- CHARLIE!
- HEY.
HEY, COME ON IN.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
OH, YEAH, EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
WOW, SO THIS IS DORM LIFE, HUH?
YEAH.
YEAH, I NEVER LIVED IN A DORM,
WELL, EXCEPT PRISON.
IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING.
WE'LL NEVER GET CAUGHT WITH
A GIRL IN OUR ROOM, SO
OH, YEAH.
SORRY TO HEAR ABOUYOUR MOM, ELLIOT.
THANKS, CHARLIE,
I APPRECIATE THAT.
SO, IS YOUR DAD STILL A FIXTURE
AT DE LEON'S BAR?
ONLY WHEN IT'S OPEN.
HEY, LOOK, UM,
MY PAROLE OFFICER,
SHE GAVE ME THESE PAPERS.
SHE WANTED THEM FILLED OUBY THE SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR.
AND, UM, I COULDN'FIND RABBI MEYER
AND THAT SHMULIK KID SAID THAYOU WERE IN THE DORM, SO I THOUGHRIGHT, RIGHT, YEAH. THAT'S GOOD.
SO, THIS IS BASICALLY
AN HOURLY LOG?
I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS.
LOOK, I'll TELL YA WHAT.
I WORK IN THE OFFICE
ON WEDNESDAYS AND, AH,
I DON'T REALLY THINK
YOU WANT RABBI MEYER
MESSING AROUND WITH THIS, SO
WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I
JUST TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
UM, SO DID THE RABBI
DRILL CHAPTER SEVEN
AFTER I LEFT?
YEAH, HE DID.
WHICH REMINDS ME.
RABBI MEYER WANTED
ME TO GIVE YOU THIS.
IT'S A LISOF KOSHER CUSS WORDS.
I THINK RABBI MEYER'S HOPING YOU'LL
USE THESE INSTEAD OF YOUR USUAL
REPERTOIRE OF PROFANITY
AND GUTTER TALK.
- SERIOUSLY?
- SERIOUSLY.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
OKAY, I CAN BE A TEAM PLAYER.
- "TOOKUS."
- TUCHUS.
TUCHUS, PUTZ, SCHMUCK,
- "MESH-SHWAY-GENAH."
- MESHUGENA.
- OH, MESHUGENA. AND SHNUK.
- SHNOOK.
Avram: Yeah, I'm
right around the corner
at the convention.
THE PENSION CONVENTION.
- I guess you could call it that.
- SOUNDS EXCITING.
- Oh, it is. I'll tell you all about it at lunch.
- WE HAVE A VISITOR.
So, I'll meet you in
the lobby in 20 minutes.
YOU KNOW WHAT, AVRAM,
I GOTTA GO.
BUT I'll SEE YOU SOON, OKAY?
- Great.
- BYE.
Bye.
HEY.
HI, CHARLIE.
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
OOH!
BYE-BYE, TERRY.
OUT.
JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
GO.
I BROUGHT YOU SOME RUGELACH.
CERTIFIED KOSHER
FROM MAXIMILLIAN HIMSELF.
THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU EATEN LUNCH YET?
I KNOW THIS VEGGIE
PLACE AROUND HERE.
- I CAN'T. I ALREADY MADE PLANS.
- THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'll CANCEL.
NO, NO, NO, THE REAL
REASON I CAME BY
IS JUST TO SAY THANK
YOU FOR THE YANKLES.
I DIDN'T WANT TO
DISRUPT YOUR PLANS
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
NO, DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE NOT.
JUST LET ME LOG OFF.
ALL RIGHT.
( Taps keyboard )
SO, IS IT AS BAD AS
THE YESHIVA BROCHURE?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO,
THERE'S POTENTIAL.
YOU KNOW FOR RABBIS,
THEY'VE GOT COORDINATION.
YOU LOOK LIKE A SCHMUCK.
HEY, HEY, EASY!
I KNOW THAT WORD.
AND PUTZ AND TUCHUS AND SHNOOK.
NO, NO, I'VE GOT IALL GOIN' ON NOW.
OH, YEAH.
I'M GLAD IT'S WORKIN'
OUT FOR YA, CHARLIE.
YEAH, WHO KNOWS? I
MEAN, WITH A LITTLE LUCK,
WE MIGHT EVEN WIN A GAME OR TWO.
I THINK THAT'S ELLIOT'S PLAN.
YOU DO THE COACHING.
THEY DO THE PRAYING.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
MOVE YOUR ASSES!
I MEAN TUCHUS! MOVE YOUR TUCHUS!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
LET'S GO! KNEES UP!
LET'S GO, MOVE IT,
MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
SCHMUCK, ELI-MILK.
- YOU LOOK LIKE PUTZ.
- ( laughing )
YEAH, YEAH, COME ON,
COME ON, KNEES UP, LET'S GO!
BETTER YOU SHOULD SAY,
"ELIMELECH, YOU SCHMUCK.
YOU LOOK LIKE A PUTZ."
GREAT, I'll TRY THAT.
OKAY, GREAT, THANKS.
( Whistles ) ALL RIGHT, ALL
YOU SCHMUCKS AND PUTZES,
COME ON IN, COME ON IN.
( Whistles )
THANKS FOR THAT.
HERE, AND THEN SIMULTANEOUSLY
THE SIGNAL GETS AROUND.
OKAY, THAT'S THE REASON
FOR THIS.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY A COUPLE.
ALL RIGHT?
EVERYBODY, DO WHAT I DO.
ALL RIGHT.
( laughing )
WHAT?
COME ON, BEND YOUR KNEES.
YOU LOOK LIKE A SCHMUCK.
COME ON, BEND THEM.
BEND YOUR KNEES.
LEGS SPREAD APART.
KEEP YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER, COME ON.
UP, UP HERE, LOOK THAT WAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
KEEP YOUR ELBOWS UP,
AND YOU WANT TO SWING
WITH YOUR HIPS. ALL RIGHT?
YOU GOT IT, ELBOWS UP.
( Cheering )
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, NOW TRY
NOT TO LEAN FORWARD.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU OWN THIS PARK!
Charlie: WATCH FOR
THE SLIDER, TESHOME.
SHMULIK, WATCH OUFOR THE THROWBACK.
GOOD LEAD, ELI-MILK.
WATCH ME FOR THE SIGNS.
( Whistles )
WHAT?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
SHIT! PUTZ!
LEARN THE SCHMUCKING SIGNS!
I CALLED A HIT AND RUN.
- YOU WANT A HIT AND RUN?
- YEAH, I WANT A HIT AND RUN.
SHLUG UN LOYF SHPIEL!
SHLUG UN LOYF!
OY. SHLUG UN LOYF SHPIEL?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO
IN THE FIRST PLACE?
SHLUG UN LOYF
SHPIEL! SHLUG UN LOYF!
OH, SHLUG UN LOYF SHPIEL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WATCH YOUR MAN,
STAY CLOSE.
RUN, KEEP RUNNING, HEAD HOME!
DON'T RUN OVER ME,
YA PUTZ! RUN HOME!
Catcher: RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE!
Charlie: GO TO
THIRD. GO TO THIRD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FORGET THE YARMULKE!
OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO!
COME ON, WE GOT THREE MORE OUTS!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
( Shouts )
( Groans )
( Growls )
NU? BOBBY PIN MALFUNCTION.
IT HAPPENS.
Charlie: TWO STRIKES,
ELIEZER. ONE MORE STRIKE.
REMEMBER, TWO OUTS.
- THIS IS IT!
- YOU GOT IT!
- COME ON, ELIEZER!
- YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT!
- STRIKE THREE!
- YES!
( Cheering )
All: MAZEL TOV!
BECAUSE I PLAYED BEFORE,
BUT I NEVER
WAIT, WAIT, YOU'RE
SAYING YOU DIDN'T GEYOUR FIRST GLOVE
TILL YOU WERE 13?
IT WAS A BAR MITZVAH
GIFT FROM MY GRANDFATHER.
YEAH, HE WASN'T RELIGIOUS.
HE USED TO GO TO YANKEE GAMES
ON SHABBOS, REMEMBER?
( laughing )
ALL RIGHT, ELI-MILK. YOUR TURN.
- ME?
- THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.
WELL, I WAS FORCED INTO IT.
FORCED?
YEAH, ONE DAY I'M WALKIN'
BY MAX MEYER'S PARK
AND ELIEZER WAS THERE PLAYING
WITH SOME OF HIS GOYISHA FRIENDS
AND THEY NEEDED A FIELDER.
SO, I PUT HIM OUT IN RIGHT FIELD
- WHERE I FIGURED HE'D DO THE LEAST DAMAGE.
- NOT THIS GUY.
BUT GOD WORKS
IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
SO, THE NEXT PITCH
WAS HIT RIGHT TO HIM,
BUT OF COURSE HE MISJUDGED IT.
GOT SMASHED RIGHT IN THE EYE.
I FELT LIKE A REAL PUTZ.
WELL, YOU LOOKED
LIKE A REAL PUTZ.
ANYWAY, I TOLD HIM
I'D COACH HIS BASEBALL
IF HE COACHED MY TALMUD.
SO, IS ELIEZER'S TALMUD
AS BAD AS YOUR BASEBALL?
A TEACHER'S ONLY
AS GOOD AS HIS PUPIL.
OH, COME ON, ISN'T THATHE OTHER WAY AROUND?
Charlie: NO, IT GOES BOTH WAYS.
IF YOU SUCCEED AGAINST ALL ODDS,
PEOPLE GOTTA GIVE YOU RESPECT.
YEAH, AND SOME PEOPLE MIGHEVEN START TO LIKE YOU.
- NAH.
- COME ON!
( Chatter )
( Door creaking )
MRS. PAYTON. NO, NO, NO,
MEN AND WOMEN DON'T TOUCH.
THE REBBE WILL SEE YOU NOW.
Charlie: I FEEL
RIDICULOUS IN THIS OUTFIT.
RELAX, IT'S PURIM, CHARLIE.
THAT'S THE TRADITION.
YOU SEE, EVERYONE'S IN COSTUME.
- YOU'RE GONNA FIT RIGHT IN.
- NO, I WON'T.
BESIDES US, WHO'S GONNA
KNOW I'M EVEN IN COSTUME?
- RIFKAH!
- HEY, HEY, NOT SO FAST. WHERE YOU GOING?
GO FIND ELLIOT.
I'll SEE YOU LATER.
OH.
- ( Glasses clink )
- ( cheering )
POUR TESHOME SOME WINE.
COME ON, COME ON,
POUR HIM SOME WINE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
ANDSHULDIK MIR. BIST DU
DAH TSU LAYNEN DI MEGILA?
ELLIOT, IT'S ME, YOU PUTZ.
CHARLIE?
WOW, THIS THING LOOKS SO REAL,
I NEVER WOULD'VE
EVEN RECOGNIZED YOU.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, MAN.
IT'S TIME TO DANCE, LET'S GO.
PULL THAT THING UP,
YOU LOOK AMISH.
COME ON, COME ON.
( Singing in Yiddish )
YEAH, GO FOR IT, CHARLIE!
OY VEY.
OH, MY EARS.
SHALOM ALEICHEM.
PLEASE SIT. SIT DOWN.
HAG SAMAYACH, REBBE YAAKOV.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU, CHARLIE.
I WANT TO TELL YOU
A LITTLE STORY, CHARLIE.
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN,
I LIVED IN A LITTLE
POLISH TOWN CALLED LOMZA.
ONE DAY, I WAS
IN THE POST OFFICE.
THE CLERK, A POLISH MAN,
HE GAVE ME MORE STAMPS
THAN I PAID FOR.
WITHOUT HESITATION,
I RETURNED THE EXTRA STAMPS.
THE CLERK SMILED AT ME
AS IF HE WAS PLAYING
A SILLY GAME.
IT WAS THEN I KNEW HE GAVE ME
THE EXTRA STAMPS ON PURPOSE.
I WAS NOT SURPRISED TO LEARN
WHEN THE NAZIS CAME TO LOMZA,
THAT SAME CLERK WAS ONE
OF THE ONLY POLISH PEOPLE
IN MY LITTLE VILLAGE
TO HELP THE JEWS.
HE RISKED HIS OWN LIFE
TO HIDE A JEWISH FAMILY
IN HIS BASEMENT UNTIL
THEY COULD ESCAPE.
WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED
IF I KEPT THOSE EXTRA STAMPS?
CHARLIE, THE SLIGHTEST ACCAN HAVE THE GREATESCONSEQUENCES.
MY YANKLES WILL ALWAYS BE SEEN
AS JEWS FIRSAND A BASEBALL TEAM SECOND.
CHARLIE, I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
I KNOW BOTH YOU AND THE YANKLES
WILL BRING US HONOR
AND, I HOPE, VICTORY.
UM, THANK YOU.
I UNDERSTAND, RABBI.
AND I WON'T DROP THIS BALL.
GOOD, CHARLIE, GOOD.
NOW TONIGHT, EAT SOME CAKE,
ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
ELIYAHU,
YOU CAN STAY FOR A MINUTE, YES?
UH, SURE, REBBE YAAKOV.
GOOD.
Avram: YEAH, THE
MEN'S CLUB IS HOSTING.
A BAGEL BRUNCH ON SUNDAY.
YOU SHOULD COME.
Debra: YEAH, I'M PLANNING
TO GO WITH ELLIOT.
- REALLY?
- REALLY.
GREAT, MAYBE AFTERWARDS
WE COULD GO OUAND DO SOMETHING?
- SURE.
- OKAY, THEN IT'S A DATE.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
ELIYAHU, THIS MORNING WE HAD
A SURPRISE VISITOR,
A CERTAIN PAROLE OFFICER.
REB YAAKOV, I SWEAR
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU
NO, ELIYAHU,
NOW IS NOT THE TIME
FOR YOU TO SPEAK.
NOW IS THE TIME
FOR YOU TO LISTEN.
BY YOUR SILENCE, ELIYAHU,
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOUR HEARWAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE,
YOU DENIED ME THE MITZVAH
OF OYZER BETSHUVA,
TO HELP IN ONE'S REDEMPTION.
NEXT TIME,
DON'T LET YOUR AMBITION
OVERCOME
YOUR HONESTY.
I KNOW YOUR FATHER
WILL BE PROUD OF YOU TOMORROW,
WITH OR WITHOUT CHARLIE JONES.
OKAY?
GOOD ENOUGH.
ZAGAZOONT.
AND NOW, GIVE IUP FOR BIMA BOY!
( Cheering )
( Reggae music playing )
( Rapping in Yiddish )
REBBE MADE A CALL
CALL TO PLAY BALL
OUT GOES THE WORD
TO THE YESHIVA HALL
WITHOUT HESITATION
WHO MADE THE DECISION
TO RISE TO THE CHALLENGE
OF THE REBBE'S MISSION
ELIEZER, ELIMELECH,
SHMULIK, PINCHUS
TESHOME, MALASA,
MICHA, SIMCHAS
SHNEIUR ZALMAN,
YOSEF, AVIGDOR
AND YERUCHUM COMPLETE
THE PICTURE
LIKE DRY BONES
THAT CAME TO LIFE
YANKLES BASEBALL
HAS ARRIVED.
HEY, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO WHAT'D YOU THINK
OF THE PARTY?
WELL, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A PARTY
WHERE THE MEN AND WOMEN
COULDN'T DANCE TOGETHER.
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
THAT'S MODESTY.
I MEAN, DANCING MAY SEEM
HARMLESS TO YOU AND ME,
BUT DON'T TELL
THAT TO THE REBBE.
WELL, I DIDN'T SEE
YOU ALL NIGHT LONG.
SO I DIDN'T WEAR THIS
COSTUME FOR NOTHING.
SO...
( Yiddish music playing )
THIS IS YIDDISH MUSIC.
YOU NEVER WANTED TO DANCE
WITH ME BEFORE, CHARLIE.
WELL, I'VE HAD LOTS
OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.
COME ON, I GOTTA DIP YOU.
OH! YOU'RE SILLY.
HIT IT, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
( Singing in Yiddish )
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GUYS
ARE DONE PUTZING
AROUND, ALL RIGHT?
RESPECT THE CULTURE.
YANKLES!
( Chanting in foreign language )
Charlie: PICK YOUR
SPOTS, BUDDY. LET'S GO!
COME ON, ELIEZER,
COME ON. ALL RIGHT?
SHAKE IT OFF. JUST RELAX, RELAX.
REMEMBER, REACH ALL
THE WAY BACK,
ALL THE WAY BACK,
AND THEN FINISH.
HIT YOUR SPOTS, HIT YOUR SPOTS.
IS THAT LIKE FIGURE 6.4?
( Singing in Yiddish )
OUT!
Zalman: YOU'VE GOT THE ROOM,
YOU'VE GOT THE ROOM, YES, YES!
( Cheering )
( Blowing horn )
YEAH! YES!
- COME ON, WE'RE MOVING OUT. LET'S GO!
- COME ON!
BUT IT'S IN THE BOOK.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'll BUY ONE TOMORROW.
COME ON, ELIEZER, LET'S GO.
( Cheering )
ROUND AND LOOK, ROUND
AND LOOK. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
DEFENSE, COME ON.
( Music playing over dialogue )
- THREE!
- ( cheering )
THE YANKLES ARE 16 AND 6.
17 AND 6.
( Door opens )
KEEP IT CIVIL.
AT LEAST TAKE OFF THAGODDAMN HAT, WILL YA?
LOOK, DAD, I JUSCAME TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT THE SEASON'S OVER.
WE WENT 17 AND 6,
WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD.
THERE IS A CHANCE THAIF NAZARENE LOSES TODAY
THAT WE COULD BACK
INTO THE PLAYOFFS.
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU NEVER
KNEW YOUR GRANDPARENTS?
'CAUSE I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
I WAS FAITHFUL.
I WAS A LOVING HUSBAND.
BUT I WASN'T RELIGIOUS,
AND THEY WOULDN'ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM.
I'M A BASEBALL PLAYER.
YOU'RE ALL I HAD LEFT, ELLIOT.
YOU AND YOUR SISTER.
AND NOW LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT A WASTE.
WHO ARE YOU?
A BALLPLAYER?
A RABBI?
YOU CAN'T BE BOTH.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
THANK GOD THEY MADE
IT TO THE PLAYOFFS.
GOOD, MENDEL, THANK YOU.
TOMORROW MY YANKLES DEPARON A GREAT JOURNEY
TO PALM SPRINGS.
WE WISH THEM MAZEL,
SUCCESS, VICTORY.
MAY GOD SAFELY
RETURN THEM TO US.
CHARLIE, COME, PLEASE.
UP HERE, COME.
CHARLIE, I HAD MENDEL
MAKE THIS UNIFORM
SPECIAL FOR YOU.
DOVID BEN YAAKOV?
UP, UP, EVERYONE SHOULD SEE.
CHARLIE, DOVID KILLED GOLIATH
AND LATER BECAME KING OF ISRAEL.
HE WAS ONE OF THE
GREATEST JEWISH GENERALS
WHO EVER LIVED.
A LEADER OF MEN.
SO WITH THIS JERSEY,
YOU WILL BE KNOWN
AS DOVID BEN YAAKOV.
DAVID, SON OF THE YANKLES.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
HELL, YES!
SATURDAY'S NO PROBLEM.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE JUST EXCITED
YOU'RE ON BOARD.
NOPE, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.
WE'LL MAKE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS.
ALL RIGHT, BOB.
YEAH, I'll BE IN TOUCH.
THANKS, BYE.
WITHERS! GET IN HERE!
YES, WALT?
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH SEROTNIC AT SCN.
THEY'RE GONNA TELEVISE
THE FINAL GAME.
WELL, FANTASTIC.
CONGRATULATIONS, WALT.
YEAH, HE WANTS THE GAME
ON SATURDAY.
YOU KNOW, BETTER SPORTS DAY.
YOU KNOW, RATINGS, YOU KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT THE YANKLES?
WHAT ABOUT THE YANKLES?
PASSOVER'S GOTTA BE OVER BY NOW.
WELL, THEY DON'T PLAY
ON SATURDAY, REMEMBER?
THAT'S WHY I SCHEDULED
THE GAME FOR THURSDAY.
THAT'S JUST TOO BAD.
I'M NOT ROCK IN' THE BOAT.
ANYWAY WE GOT NOTHIN'
TO WORRY ABOUT.
THERE AIN'T NO WAY IN HELL
THOSE RABBIS ARE GONNA ADVANCE
THROUGH THE TOURNAMENT.
I'll STAKE MONEY
ON THAT RIGHT NOW.
THAT WOULDN'T BE
A SAFE BET, WALT.
CHARLIE JONES
IS COACH IN' THAT TEAM.
CHARLIE JONES?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUTHIS BEFORE, WITHERS?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST NEVER CAME UP.
OH, BOY, THAT IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.
LISTEN, WITHERS, YOU JUSMAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS.
I'll TAKE CARE OF THE YANKLES
AND MR. CHARLIE JONES.
CHARLIE JONES.
YOU OWE ME 250 BUCKS.
- CHARLIE JONES.
- ( softly ) YES.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
YES, IT HAS.
WE NEED TO TALK.
CALL MY SECRETARY,
MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.
IT'S ABOUT ELLIOT.
ELLIOT WHO?
WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?
WOULD IT KILL YOU TO COME
SEE YOUR OWN SON PLAY BALL?
FIRST OF ALL, THAT IS NONE
OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.
AND SECOND,
I JUST CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?
YOUR SON ISN'T IN SOME MONASTERY
ON TOP OF A HILL SOMEWHERE.
HE MIGHT AS WELL BE.
WELL, HE'S NOT. HE'S HERE.
HE'S LIKE 15 MINUTES AWAY.
IT DON'T MATTER WHERE HE IS.
I'VE GOT NOTHING IN COMMON
WITH MY OWN SON.
FRANKIE, WHAT DO YA THINK
THE YANKLES IS FOR?
HUH?
WASN'T IT GOOD?
AND IT'S HEALTHIER, TOO.
I'll ADMIT IT,
IT'S A LOT BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.
NOT BAD FOR YOUR FIRST TIME.
ME?
YOU DID ALL THE COOKING.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE GONNA
DO ALL THE DISHES.
OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT ALL THIS CAN WAIT.
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANYOU TO SEE FIRST.
COME ON. YOU'LL HAVE
TO CLOSE YOUR EYES.
- COME ON, COME ON.
- NO MORE SURPRISES, CHARLIE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE THIS ONE, I PROMISE.
- CLOSE YOUR EYES, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
- HEY.
ALL RIGHT,
KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.
- WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
- OKAY.
AND OPEN THEM.
TA-DA! ( Laughs )
WOW!
I THOUGHT YOU SAID EVERYTHING
GOT AUCTIONED OFF.
IT DID, BUT GUESS WHO
WAS THE HIGHEST BIDDER?
- SLEDGE.
- SLEDGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
HOLD ON.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
OKAY, COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN.
( Indistinct chatter )
Charlie: REMEMBER?
THERE'S YOUR MOM AND DAD.
MY MOM.
Get up, put your hats on!
He'll be here any second.
SURPRISE!
- Charlie: LOOK AT ELLIOT.
- ( laughing )
- Debra: OH, MY GOD.
- HE HAD HAIR.
Happy birthday!
OH, MY GOSH.
WE CAN BE LIKE THAT AGAIN.
WHAT?
I CAN'T DO THIS.
IT ISN'T RIGHT.
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LOOK, DEBRA, PLEASE, PLEASE.
DEBRA, PLEASE. DON'T GO, PLEASE.
IF YOU'D JUST STOP FIGHTING
YOUR FEELINGS FOR HALF A SECOND,
YOU'D KNOW THAT THERE'S
NOTHING MORE RIGHT THAN THIS.
I LOVE YOU,
AND I'VE NEVER STOP
STOP TRYING
TO CONFUSE ME, CHARLIE.
YOU KNOW I'M LOOKING
FOR A HUSBAND
AND I WANT THAT HUSBAND
TO BE JEWISH.
IT TAKES A JEWISH MAN
TO BUILD A JEWISH HOME
AND SOMEDAY RAISE
SOME JEWISH KIDS.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT!
I HAVE STEPPED UP!
I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES!
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING
ME THAT NO MATTER
HOW HARD I TRY TO REDEEM MYSELF,
YOU CAN'T LOVE ME
BECAUSE I'M NOT JEWISH?
IT'S JUST THE OPPOSITE, CHARLIE.
I DO LOVE YOU.
BUT IT'S LIKE
"FIDDLER ON THE ROOF."
A BIRD MAY LOVE A FISH,
BUT WHERE WILL THEY
BUILD A HOME TOGETHER?
SHIT!
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
OFF THE BUS. LET'S GO QUICK.
- HUSTLE UP, LET'S GO!
- COME ON, GUYS.
GATHER 'ROUND. COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, GATHER AROUND.
ALL RIGHT, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY SET ASIDE
SOME KOSHER FOOD FOR YOU GUYS.
SO RELAX,
TAKE YOUR HATS OFF AND BLEND.
Man: THEY LOOK LIKE A
TEAM, YOU CAN SAY THAT.
LOOK AT THIS!
THEY CHANGED THE FINAL
GAME TO SHABBOS.
SHABBOS? IT'S A MISPRINT.
IT'S NOT A MISPRINT. WE'RE
JUST THE LAST TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
DIDN'T YOU GIVE THEM
THE JEWISH CALENDAR?
I DID. THE ORIGINAL GAME
WAS SCHEDULED FOR THURSDAY.
YOU SAW IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES.
I'M SORRY, EXCUSE ME.
MR. WITHERS, YOU'RE WITH
THE TOURNAMENT COMMITTEE?
CHARLIE JONES. IT'S A PLEASURE.
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THE SCHEDULE.
YOU'VE GOT US PLAYING
ON SATURDAY.
SATURDAY'S THE JEWISH SABBATH,
- AND WE TOLD YOU A LONG TIME AGO...
- HOLD ON, MR. JONES.
YOU'RE BARKIN' UP
THE WRONG TREE.
YOU NEED TO TALK
TO WALT PARSONS.
WALTER PARSONS?
YES, WALTER PARSONS.
OKAY, LOOK, I GOTTA
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
STAY HERE, DON'T EAT THAT.
IT'S NOT KOSHER.
THANKS A LOT.
SO I SAID, "COACH, IF I EVER
HAD A PLAYER LIKE THAT,
I'D NEED A BULL PEN
THE SIZE OF A RODEO RING
JUST SO HIS BALLS WOULDN'FEEL CLAUSTROPHOBIC."
SO, THEY MADE YOU N.I.S.A.
COMMISSIONER, HUH?
WELL, FOLKS,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
JUST ENJOY THE RESOF THE PARTY.
CHARLIE JONES.
NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN.
WHY'D YOU CHANGE THE FINAL
TO SATURDAY, PARSONS?
THE YANKLES CAN'PLAY ON THE SABBATH.
YEAH, BUT WE DID
GET YA KOSHER FOOD.
DON'T PATRONIZE ME!
NOW CALM DOWN, JONES.
WE MADE A DEAL WITH SCN
TO TELEVISE THE FINAL GAME.
NOW, THAT'S A FIRST FOR US
AND JUST THE KIND OF
PUBLICITY THIS LEAGUE NEEDS,
BUT SCN INSISTED
ON A SATURDAY FINAL.
NOW I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY
INCONVENIENCE, CHARLIE JONES.
INCONVENIENCE?
THE YANKLES CAN'T PLAY
ON SATURDAY!
WHAT PART OF THAT DON'YOU UNDERSTAND, PARSONS?
NOW COME ON, CHARLIE.
LET'S DON'T GEOUR FEATHERS RUFFLED.
I'D BE WILL IN'
TO BET THE YANKLES
DON'T MAKE IT OUT OF ROUND ONE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
I AM THE HOST OF THIS PARTY.
BYE-BYE.
CHARLIE. HI, I'M
VERONICA ST. JAMES.
I'M INTERESTED IN DOING
AN EXCLUSIVE STORY ON YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOUR
STORY IS OVER THERE, OKAY?
I'M YESTERDAY'S NEWS.
THERE'S YOUR STORY.
- NO, NO, I...
- EXCUSE ME.
HELLO. WELCOME.
TABLE FOR THREE?
SO, NO MEAT, NO FISH,
NO POULTRY, NO EGGS,
AND NO MILK,
AND YOU BAKE YOUR OWN BREAD?
YES, EVERYTHING TOFU.
WELL, IT'S KOSHER.
LET'S EAT.
THE IRONY IS WE DON'EVEN WATCH TV.
AT THE YESHIVA,
IT'S A DISTRACTION.
WE'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IT.
BUT, RABBI,
TV BRINGS VISIBILITY,
VISIBILITY BRINGS EXPOSURE,
AND EXPOSURE BRINGS MONEY.
SPORTS IS BIG BUSINESS.
I MEAN, WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK
PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES MAKE SO MUCH MONEY?
IT'S TV THAT PRIMES THAT PUMP.
- TOFU PORK?
- ( laughing )
SO, YES, BUT, ELLIOT,
THIS IS SUPPOSED
TO BE AN AMATEUR LEAGUE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER. TO SCN, IT'S
ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAMMING.
YEAH, AND WE'RE THE SIDESHOW.
GUYS, LET'S NOT GET DISTRACTED
BY ALL THIS STUFF.
LET'S JUST WIN, ALL RIGHT?
'CAUSE IF WE WIN,
WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO?
EXCUSE PLEASE, SIR.
YOU SOME KIND
OF RELIGIOUS SCHOOL?
NO, SIR, WE'RE A BASEBALL TEAM.
COME ON, ELLIOT!
ALL RIGHT, ELLIOT,
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU.
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU. LET'S GO!
( Crowd cheering )
- ( Crowd groans )
- ( booing )
Charlie: ELLIOT, DON'PULL YOUR HEAD.
ELLIOT, THIS IS YOURS. THIS IS
YOU, BABY. IT'S YOU. LET'S GO!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
- YEAH! YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
- ( cheering )
MAZEL TOV, MAZEL TOV.
LOOK OUT, LET HIM
CROSS THE PLATE!
( Cheering )
HEY, PARSONS,
MY FEATHERS
ARE STARTING TO RUFFLE.
YOU SURE LOST THAT BET.
THERE IS ONE THING
FOR SURE, THOUGH.
WE WON'T BE SEEIN'
THE YANKLES ON SATURDAY.
( laughs ) CAN I QUOTE
YOU ON THAT?
( Doorbell rings )
SLEDGE, HI.
HEY, DEBRA, HOW ARE YA?
GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
DO YOU WANNA COME IN?
OH, NO, I CAN'T. I GOTTA GO,
BUT CHARLIE ASKED ME
TO DROP THIS BY.
HE SAID IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
WELL, THANKS, SLEDGE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'COME IN? I JUST MADE COFFEE.
NO, I GOTTA CATCH A
PLANE, BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME.
- OKAY, OKAY.
- OKAY.
HEY, DEBRA, ONE MORE THING.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
CHARLIE, OKAY?
AFTER ALL HE'S BEEN THROUGH,
HE'S CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.
THANKS, SLEDGE.
OKAY, I'll SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
Charlie's voice: "DEAR DEBRA,
THERE ARE BIRDS THAT CAN SWIM."
THERE ARE FISH THAT CAN FLY.
IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME,
PLEASE LET ME TRY.
IT'S CORNY, BUT TRUE.
SHALOM.
LOVE, CHARLIE,
"A.K.A. DOVID BEN YAAKOV."
Rabbi Meyer: SHEH-HECH-EEYANU
VEKEY-EMANU.
VEHEY-GEE-ANU LAZMAN HAZEH.
AMEN!
( Cheering )
HERE WE GO!
Rabbi Meyer: HOLD UP ON SECOND.
HERE WE GO, WE'RE ALL RIGHT.
WAY TO GO, MALASA.
STAND-UP DOUBLE.
- MAKE SURE HE'S WATCHING YOU.
- COME ON!
LAY BACK ON THE PITCH.
OPPOSITE FIELD, ELI-MILK.
WATCH FOR THE CHANGEUP.
Charlie: YEAH!
YES!
Rabbi Meyer: ALL RIGHT!
TYING RUN AT THIRD.
Charlie: EXCELLENT, ELI-MILK.
GOOD JOB, GOOD JOB, GUYS!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
MICHA, YOU'RE ON DECK.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, ONE OUT.
ELI-MILK,
YOU'RE THE WINNING RUN.
PAY ATTENTION.
STEP IN.
Charlie: OKAY, SHMULIK,
NO DOUBLE PLAY.
WATCH FOR THE OFF-SPEED PITCH.
YES! THAT'S A BASE HIT.
WAY TO GO.
SAFE!
STOP, STOP! HOLD ON THIRD!
NO! STOP, YOU SCHMUCK!
SAFE!
( Cheering )
( Coughs )
Charlie: YES!
THAT WAS CRAZY!
COME HERE.
YOU GOT A LOT OF HEART.
- ( Cell phone rings )
- SHIT!
- HELLO.
- Walt, it's Bob.
OH, HI, BOB. WE WERE
JUST TALKIN' ABOUT YA.
Well, congratulations.
CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT?
Those Yankles
are a ratings bonanza.
We hit the jackpot here. Move
the game to Sunday, Walt.
Not only are we gonna get bumper ratings,
we're gonna come out lookin' like heroes.
This whole Sabbath thing is
a godsend. It's perfect, Walt.
Walt? Walt, you there?
YEAH, BOB, I'M HERE.
KIND OF SHORT NOTICE.
IT MIGHT NOT BE FEASIBLE.
Come on, Walt, don't
disappoint me, all right? Walt?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, BOB. YEAH, SURE.
- Good, good, I gotta go.
- ( clicks )
WELL, THAT'S IT.
HE'S MOVIN' THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING THAI THOUGHT YOU MIGHGET A KICK OUT OF.
"IN THE TOP OF THE FIFTH INNING,
ELLIOT DUBINSKY,
YANKLES TEAM CAPTAIN,
MADE A REMARKABLE GRAB
AT SHORTSTOP
WHICH RESULTED IN A DOUBLE PLAY.
HAVING SEEN THE PROMISED LAND,
ELLIOT LED THE YANKLES
TO VICTORY
WITH A MIRACULOUS
WALK-OFF HOME RUN
"IN THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH."
( Sighs )
Elliot: Yeah, that's right.
We will definitely not
be playing on Saturday.
Man: Why's that?
- Because it's Shabbos.
- Shabbos?
The Jewish Sabbath.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.
- Sorry.
Um, I think the thing is
that when you're a Yankle,
you know, you don't
really have a choice.
We don't believe
in victory at all costs.
There's some things
that are more important.
- Thank you, Elliot.
- DOVID BEN YAAKOV.
That was Elliot Dubinsky.
He's the son of retired
Spirits infielder Frankie Dubs.
Like father, like son.
This is Ted Greenly reporting
from the N.I.S.A.
College World Series
- in Palm Springs. Now back to you.
- ( chanting )
- YANKLES!
- ALL RIGHT!
( Clicks )
CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
AS YOU KNOW, JONES,
THIS WHOLE SITUATION
IS VERY COMPLEX,
BUT IN THE END,
I'VE DECIDED TO CHANGE
THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
THE YANKLES CAN PLAY
ON SUNDAY, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THEY CAN, PARSONS.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN.
BUT THERE IS ONE CONDITION.
IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION THAYOUR TEAM CAPTAIN MR. DUBINSKY
HAS PLAYED PROFESSIONAL BALL
WITH THE SAN ANTONIO MISSIONS.
AS SUCH, THAT WOULD MAKE HIM
INELIGIBLE IN OUR LEAGUE.
THAT'S BULLSHIT, PARSONS.
THE LEAGUE OFFICE CLEARED
DUBINSKY BEFORE WEEK ONE.
LEAGUE OFFICE?
WELL, THAT WOULD BE ME,
AND I DON'T HAVE ANY SPECIFIC
RECOLLECTION OF ANY SUCH WAIVER.
YOU'RE LYING AGAIN, PARSONS.
OKAY, FINE.
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
DUBINSKY CAN PLAY. YOU SIT OUT.
( Scoffs ) I GET IT.
THIS IS YOUR REVENGE, RIGHT?
YOU CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL,
BUT IF YOU WANNA WATCH
YOUR RABBIS LOSE ON SUNDAY,
IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE
AS A SPECTATOR.
WHAT ABOUT THE PRESS,
HUH? THE GAME'S ON TV.
HOW YA GONNA EXPLAIN
THE HEADLINES, HUH?
DAMN YOU, JONES. DON'PLAY YOUR GAMES WITH ME.
YOU BREATHE A WORD
OF THIS TO THE PRESS
AND I'll SEE TO IPERSONALLY THE YANKLES.
NEVER PLAY ANOTHER GAME
IN THIS LEAGUE AGAIN.
BESIDES, WHO'S COMIN'
TO YOUR DEFENSE?
YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A WASHED-UP,
COCKY EX-CON THAWASTED HIS LIFE.
AND YOU'RE GONNA CHALLENGE ME?
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!
THAT'S GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU HIT ME?
BUT MIGHT I REMIND YOU,
YOU ARE ON PAROLE.
YOU WANT HEADLINES?
"CHARLIE JONES HAS RELAPSE.
GETS TOO DAMN DRUNK TO COACH."
- NU?
- HE'S NOT IN HIS ROOM.
HE'S NOT IN THE LOBBY.
HE'S NOT IN THE COFFEE SHOP.
- WELL, WHERE IS HE?
- I DON'T KNOW!
( Honks horn )
COME ON, TIME'S TICKING. WHERE'S
YOUR BAGS? TONIGHT'S SHABBOS!
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL:
PARSONS SAID THAT HE WOULD
MOVE THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
- YES!
- ( cheering )
HEY, HEY,
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON!
THERE'S A CONDITION.
- A CONDITION?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT CONDITION?
PARSONS WON'T LET ME
COACH THE FINAL.
- WHAT?
- HE CAN'T DO THAT!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU CAN'T COACH?
CAN'T COACH. I'M
GONNA SIT THIS ONE OUT.
YOU GUYS PLAY.
I'll WATCH IT ON TV.
NO, NO! COACH, THAIS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.
COACH, YOU ARE THE ONLY
REASON THAT WE'RE HERE.
LISTEN, LISTEN.
I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE HERE.
ME AND PARSONS, WE GO WAY BACK.
HE WAS AN ASSISTANT G.M.
WHEN I WAS IN THE BIG LEAGUES.
ALL RIGHT?
AFTER MY FIRST D.U.I.,
MY CONTRACT CAME UP,
AND I WAS HOLDIN' OUFOR THE BIG BUCKS,
AND PARSONS DIDN'T THINK
I WAS WORTH IT.
SO I WENT TO THE PRESS
AND TRIED TO MAKE A STINK.
AND I GOT LUCKY,
'CAUSE PARSONS SHOHIS MOUTH OFF
AND CALLED MY AGENA "MONEY-GRUBBING JEW."
ON CAMERA.
SO PARSONS GOT FIRED.
AND HERE WE ARE.
CHARLIE,
DO YOU KNOW WHY WE WEAR TSITSIS?
IT'S A DAILY REMINDER
THAT WE ALWAYS
HAVE TO RAISE OUR PRINCIPLES
ABOVE OUR PASSIONS.
AND THAT'S WHY WE CANNOPLAY WITHOUT YOU.
COACH, WE CAME HERE TOGETHER.
AND WE'RE GONNA LEAVE
HERE TOGETHER.
AND THE ONLY WAY
WE'RE COMING BACK HERE
- IS TOGETHER.
- ABSOLUTELY.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, COACH,
IT'S BEEN A GREAT RIDE.
JUST GO GRAB YOUR THINGS
AND LET'S GO HOME.
- YOU SURE?
- YES.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, I'll LET HIM KNOW.
I'll GO GET MY STUFF.
WHAT? DON'T COACH?
WHAT DO YA MEAN?
PARSONS SAID THAT HE
WOULD CHANGE THE GAME
TO SUNDAY IF I DIDN'T COACH.
BUT THE YANKLES AREN'GOIN' FOR IT.
NO, NO, NO,
SCN CALLED LAST NIGHAND THEY SWITCHED
THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
WHY, THEY'RE MILKIN' THIS
THING FOR ALL IT'S WORTH.
THE FEED'S GOIN' NATIONAL,
COAST TO COAST.
THE YANKLES GOTTA PLAY
THAT GAME SUNDAY.
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
COME ON!
WELL, MORNING, MR. JONES.
MISS ST. JAMES.
SO NICE OF YOU
TO JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST.
IS THERE A PROBLEM, JONES?
YES, THERE IS A PROBLEM,
A BIG PROBLEM.
ZIP IT, WITHERS!
NO, I'M TIRED
OF YOUR SHENANIGANS.
SHUT UP, WITHERS!
FIRST YOU LIED TO SCN,
AND THEN I FIND YOU LIED
TO CHARLIE JONES.
HOW DARE YOU?
WE'RE HERE TO GIVE THESE KIDS
A CHANCE TO PLAY BASEBALL
AT THEIR OWN LEVEL,
AND I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU FLUSH
THAT DOWN THE TOILEWITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL SHIT!
THE YANKLES ARE GOING TO PLAY
FOR THE N.I.S.A. CHAMPIONSHIP
ON SUNDAY WITH CHARLIE JONES
PRESEN- AND COACHING!
- YEAH!
GENTLEMEN. RABBI. CHARLIE.
ON BEHALF OF THE N.I.S.A.,
I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE
FOR WHAT'S HAPPENED HERE.
YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN
PUT ON THE SPOT LIKE THIS.
BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THAWHEN THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS
FIND OUT ABOUT THIS, THERE
WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.
PARSONS, YOU PUTZ!
- YOU'RE SCHMUCKED!
- ALL RIGHT, RABBI.
YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND COACH
YOUR FINAL GAME, JONES.
I REALLY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.
MY MONEY'S ON GREENSBORO.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
GOOD SHABBOS, ELLIOT.
GOOD SHABBOS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, DAD?
I WANTED TO, UH,
CONGRATULATE YOU,
YOU KNOW, IN PERSON.
I'M IMPRESSED.
THOSE YESHIVA BOCHERS
CAN PLAY SOME REAL BALL.
SHOWS THEY HAVE A GOOD LEADER.
WELL, YOU CAN THANK CHARLIE.
HE'S OUR MANAGER.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, DADDY.
( Kisses )
LOOK AT HIM. MY SON,
THE YESHIVA BASEBALL PLAYER.
HOW ABOUT YOUR SON, THE RABBI?
MY SON, THE RABBI.
I THINK I CAN GET USED TO THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME YOUR ROOM?
( Crowd cheering )
TV announcer: Bottom
of the ninth, two outs.
Greensboro leading it 5-4.
They're one out away
from the championship.
The Yankles have the tying
run at third
and the potential
winning run at second.
A base hit could win
it for the Yankles.
Stadium announcer: Now
batting for the Yankles,
#18, Elliot Dubinsky.
Man: BASE HIT, ELLIOT!
Man #2: SHOW 'EM
WHAT YOU GOT, ELLIOT!
Man #3: COME ON, YANKLES!
Man #4: YOU CAN DO IT!
ELIYAHU, YOU'VE GOT IT. GREAT!
THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S
YOU, BABY! COME ON!
Charlie: ALL RIGHT, MALASA, WATCH
THE THROWBACK FROM THE CATCHER.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, GUYS.
ELLIOT, IT'S YOU, BABY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU.
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
RANDY. RANDY.
Charlie: TESHOME, GIVE
ME A LEAD. THERE YOU GO.
GOOD EYE, ELLIOT. WAIT FOR
YOUR PITCH, WAIT FOR YOUR PITCH.
RANDY, KEEP ION THE SPOT, BABY.
KEEP IT ON THE SPOT.
WHAT THE HECK'S HE DOIN'?
TESHOME. MALASA.
COME ON, RIGHT HERE.
YEAH, YEAH! IN, IN, IN!
It's a deep shot down
the right field line.
It has a chance,
but it hooks foul.
- OH! WHOO!
- ( groans )
Charlie: IT'S ALL RIGHT,
ELLIOT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, FORGET ABOUT IT, ALL
RIGHT? JUST STAY FOCUSED.
IT'S ALL YOURS. LET'S GO.
COME ON, ELLIOT.
- ALL RIGHT, PAY ATTENTION.
- KEEP ON 'EM.
DON'T LET 'EM GET UP ON YOU NOW.
YOU'RE OUT!
( Cheering )
SO CLOSE!
ALL RIGHT, WAY TO GO, DAVIS!
Man: NICE!
ALL RIGHT!
YEAH, GIMME SOME! GIMME SOME!
GREENSBORO, GREENSBORO,
GREENSBORO!
( Sings in Yiddish )
WHAT'S THIS SONG?
IT MEANS
IT'S A GREAT COMMANDMENTO ALWAYS LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, EVEN NOW.
NO, NO, NO!
WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
( Cheering )
- CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
- HEY, GUYS, WE WON!
( Continuing singing )
HEY, HEY, HEY! ( Laughs )
GOOD HUSTLE DOWN
THE LINE, ELLIOT.
YOU ALMOST BEAT THAT THROW.
I SHOULD HAVE HOMERED
THAT FASTBALL.
I JUST DIDN'T GET AROUND
IT IN TIME, YOU KNOW?
ELLIOT, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR, HUH?
SLEDGE, I DIDN'T THINK
YOU COULD MAKE IT!
DON'T YOU HAVE A GAME TOMORROW?
AND MISS THE GREATEST CONTESIN SPORTS HISTORY? NO WAY!
- HEY, I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YA.
- OH, YEAH?
- I BROUGHT YA SOME GOOD LUCK.
- GOOD.
OH, MAN, DUDE.
THANK YOU, CHARLIE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE IT.
GOOD.
AND I LOVE THE POEM, TOO.
WELL, I MEANT EVERY WORD OF IT.
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE,
DOVID BEN YAAKOV?
THERE'S SO MUCH I WANNA
SHARE WITH YOU, CHARLIE.
THERE'S SO MUCH I WANNA LEARN.
ELIEZER'S PITCHING!
ELIEZER'S PITCHING!
( Clamoring )
- HURRY!
- COME ON, TURN IT ON. TURN IT ON!
CHANNEL FOUR.
TV announcer: Here
comes Eliezer Ben Shmuel
to make his
minor league pitching debut.
He was studying
to be an Orthodox rabbi
before he came to the Yanks.
Looks like he's clean-shaven
for his pro-ball debut.
Oh, but he left his peyes.
Here's the windup and the pitch.
Fastball swung on
and missed. Strike one.
The first pitch
of his minor league career
and he throws a strike.
That's gotta feel good.
Shmuel was 10-3
for the Yankles last year.
A good-looking southpaw who
was coached by Charlie Jones.
Looks like he's on
the beam here today.
And the 0-1 pitch is swung on
and hit foul down
the right field line,
a foul ball.
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
WHEN I SEE YOU,
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
LOVE, YOU USED TO COOK WITH TENDER
LOVE AND CARE TENDER LOVE AND CARE
KIND OF LIKE THE WAY I FEEL
FOR YOU FEEL FOR YOU
YOU'RE THE SPICE
THAT BRIGHTENS UP MY LIFE
AND YOU'RE SWEETER THAN
THE FINEST KOSHER BREW
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
- ( vocalizing )
- WHEN I SEE YOU
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
I HAVE HAD LATKES
BY THE FIRESIDE
BY THE FIRESIDE
AND I'VE HAD BAGELS BY
THE SEA BAGELS BY THE SEA
I'VE SEEN THE BEAUTY
OF MENORAH LIGHT, DARLING
BUT YOU'RE THE SWEETEST THING
THAT'S EVER BEEN WITH ME
YOU ARE SWEETER THAN
KOSHER WINE - ( vocalizing )
WHEN I SEE YOU,
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
( whistling )
YOU ARE SWEETER THAN
KOSHER WINE - ( vocalizing )
WHEN I SEE YOU,
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
SWEETER THAN KOSHER WINE
SWEETER THAN KOSHER WINE
SWEETER THAN KOSHER WINE.
( Whistling )
- ( Cheering )
- ALL RIGHT!
- YEAH!
- VERY NICE!
( Man singing in Yiddish )
( Cheering ) - TV
announcer: It's game seven
of the American League
Championship Series,
and this series
is all even at 3-3.
The winner of this game goes
to the World Series.
This is what it's
all about in baseball.
The crowd going crazy...
It is deafening here in Chicago.
The Spirits lead 4-3.
The count...
Three balls and two strikes.
( Buzzer )
The Spirits are one out away
from their first
World Series in six years.
It all comes down
to this one pitch,
this one at-bat.
Baseball doesn't get any more
exhilarating than this.
- Here's the windup and the pitch.
- ( crack )
Deep fly ball hit to center
field, but it's playable.
Charlie Jones waves off
Dixon. He says he's got it.
If he makes this catch,
the Spirits will win it.
Jones is there and...
Oh, he dropped the ball!
Oh, I can't believe it!
Jones has dropped
what would have been
the final out.
His throw home will be late.
Two runs score for the Sox.
And no World Series
for the Spirits!
The Spirits lose on
an almost unbelievable error
by Charlie Jones.
I'VE GOT A GUARANTEED CONTRACT.
YOU CAN'T FIRE ME!
JUST LET ME DO THE TALKING.
CHARLIE'S IN REHAB
AND HE HASN'T TAKEN
A DRINK IN TWO MONTHS.
( Police radio chatter )
I KNOW, I DIDN'T STOP
AT THAT STOP SIGN
BACK THERE, DID I?
STEP OUT OF THE CAR, SIR.
JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENJudge: NOT TODAY,
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
YOU LISTEN VERY
CAREFULLY, MR. JONES.
I'll PUT THIS
INTO BASEBALL TERMS.
SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND IT.
YOU'VE GOT TWO D.U.I.s.
THAT'S TWO STRIKES.
ONE MORE AND YOU'RE OUFOR A VERY LONG TIME.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
( Woman sobbing )
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYMORE.
WHAT?!
HERE, BABY.
GO GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.
Woman: GO GET YOUR
LIFE TOGETHER. ( Echoes )
OH, GOSH.
COME ON, SWEETIE.
COME ON.
- ARE YOU EXCITED TO GO?
- ( siren wails )
Man: PULL THE VEHICLE OVER
TO THE RIGHT, IMMEDIATELY!
- RICKY!
- ( tires screech )
OH, MY GOD!
Man: PUT YOUR
HANDS ON THE WHEEL.
KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL.
- SIR, REMAIN IN THE VEHICLE!
- UP AGAINST THE CAR RIGHT NOW.
- Charlie: THAT WAS CLOSE.
- AGAINST THE CAR!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
HUGE MISTAKE.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
WATCH YOUR HEAD, SIR.
( Distant shouting )
( Whistling )
( Charlie sighs )
( Score playing )
( All chatting )
( Praying in Yiddish )
YOU DIDN'T SAY THE PRAYER.
I SAID IT TO MYSELF.
Instructor:
WE BEGIN THIS MORNING.
WITH THE CLASSIC DEBATE
BETWEEN ABBAYA AND RAVA.
SO ABBAYA POSES
THE QUESTION IN BUBBA MITZIA:
IF YOU LOSE, BUT DON'KNOW YOU LOST AN OBJECT,
WHAT IS THE OBLIGATION
OF THE PERSON TO YOU
WHO FINDS IT?
PAGE 70. MR. DUBINSKY, ALEF.
AND THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
NOW RAVA POSES THE QUESTION,
"HOW DO YOU KNOW
AN OBJECT WAS ABANDONED?
DOES IT MATTER
IF THE OBJECT WASHES UP
ON THE SHORE
OR IF IT WAS FOUND
ON A BOOKSHELF?"
IF I CAN FIGURE IT OUT,
SO CAN YOU.
YEAH, RIGHT!
IT CAN'T BE THAT HARD, ELLIOT.
JUST STUDY.
IT'S NOT THAT, ELIMELECH.
LOOK, I GET CONFUSED
BETWEEN THE RAMBAM,
THE RAMBAN, ABBAYA,
RABBA, HILLEL, SHAMMAI, RASHI.
WHO COULD CROSS-REFERENCE
2,500 RABBIS IN 30 VOLUMES?
- THE REBBE.
- THE REBBE.
UN VOS MIT YIDDISH?
MY YIDDISH IS FINE,
THANK YOU. ( Laughs )
I'M GOOD AT LANGUAGES.
ALL RIGHT, FINE, ARAMAIC
IS WHERE I FALL APART.
OH, DON'T WORRY, ELLIOT,
I'll HELP YOU.
WHO'S GONNA HELP YOU, SHNEIUR
ZALMAN? YOU FLUNKED TALMUD TWICE.
SO I'M NOT A TALMUD SCHOLAR.
I JUST WANT A DATE
WITH ELLIOT'S SISTER.
YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT IT, SHNEIUR
ZALMAN, SHE'S TWICE YOUR AGE.
- AND FOUR TIMES HIS INTELLECT.
- HEY!
- HEY, ELLIOT! ( Panting )
- WHAT?
I HEARD FROM SHRAGA FIVISH, WHO
BUMPED INTO MENACHEM YOSEPH
WHEN HE WAS LEAVING SHEUR,
AND SAW THE REBBE MENTION
YOUR NAME TO RABBI MEYER.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THE REBBE'S
GONNA CALL ON YOU TODAY.
OR SHRAGA FIVISH IS A LIAR.
NO, DON'T WORRY, ELLIOT.
IT'S A BIG HONOR.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, ELIMELECH.
WHY WOULD HE WANNA SEE ME?
ELIYAHU, THE REBBE
WANTS TO SEE YOU.
GO.
ELIYAHU, DO YOU
KNOW WHO BETSALEL WAS?
BETSALEL WAS AN ARCHITECT.
VERY GOOD, ELIYAHU.
GOD CHOSE BETSALEL TO DESIGN
AND CONSTRUCT THE MISHKAN,
THE TABERNACLE.
HE HAD TALENT.
GOD KNEW THIS.
NOW, I AM CHOOSING YOU
BECAUSE OF YOUR TALENT.
I BELIEVE GOD BROUGHT YOU HERE
FOR A REASON, ELIYAHU.
THEREFORE, I AM
GIVING PERMISSION
FOR THE YESHIVA
TO JOIN THE N.I.S.A.
THE NATIONAL INTERCOLLEGIATE
SPORTS ASSOCIATION.
IT'S A SMALL LEAGUE.
MOSTLY LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGES.
NOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE USED TO.
I'M SORRY, ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT BASEBALL?
OF COURSE, NU.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU PLAY?
WELL, I
REB YAAKOV, I ACTUALLY
PLAYED PROFESSIONALLY,
SO I DON'T REALLY
THINK I'D BE ELIGIBLE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, ELIYAHU.
THAT IS WHY RABBI MEYER
ALREADY RECEIVED
SPECIAL PERMISSION.
FROM THE LEAGUE COMMISSIONER.
IT'S OKAY.
HE SAID YOU COULD PLAY.
AND YOU CAN COACH, YES?
AND I'll BE YOUR ASSISTANT.
IT'S ALL BEEN ARRANGED.
RABBI MEYER HAS TOLD ME
ABOUT MAX MEYER'S PARK.
YOU PLAY BASEBALL
EVERY SUNDAY, YES?
WELL, YEAH, BUT THAT'S
JUST A FRIENDLY GAME.
AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD
THAT SOME OF OUR STUDENTS
CAN HIT THE BALL
PRETTY GOOD, YES?
WELL, ACTUALLY,
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
I MEAN, SHNEIUR
ZALMAN, THAT GUY CAN HIT.
AND PINKY AND SHMULIK,
THEY'RE PRETTY SOLID.
ELIEZER'S, HE IS A SOUTHPAW
WITH THIS WICKED FASTBALL.
IT'S REALLY FAST.
LOOK, REB YAAKOV,
THERE'S PIECES,
BUT THERE'S NO TEAM.
ELIYAHU, WHERE DID BETSALEL
GET THE MATERIALS
TO BUILD THE TABERNACLE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT?
PUT FORTH THE WORD, ELIYAHU,
AND THE PLAYERS WILL COME.
IT'S NOT MAX MEYER'S PARK,
BUT IT'S SOMEWHERE TO PLAY.
IS IT EVEN REGULATION? IDOESN'T LOOK REGULATION TO ME.
AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
OH, IT'S REGULATION, GUYS.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
I'M TIRED OF FIRST BASE,
ELLIOT. CAN I PLAY SECOND?
SHMULIK, YOU'RE A LEFTY.
YOU'RE STUCK ON FIRST.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, SCHMUCK?
HEY, SIMCHA.
WHAT ABOUT THE ETHIOPIANS?
THEY SEEM PRETTY ATHLETIC.
YEAH, I THINK THAT'S
NOT A BAD IDEA.
- LET'S GO, TESHOME, RIGHT, AND MALASA?
- YEAH, YEAH.
( Buzzer )
( Buzzer )
( Buzzer )
OH, SHIT.
- CHARLIE!
- ( reporters clamoring )
CHARLIE, TELL US HOW YOU FEEL. DO
YOU THINK YOUR FANS HAVE FORGIVEN YOU?
( Horn honks ) - WILL YOU
PLAY BASEBALL AGAIN?
WHERE ARE YOU DOING
YOUR COMMUNITY SERVICE?
LET'S GO, CHARLIE.
CHARLIE, DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN PLAY IN THE MAJORS?
- WELCOME TO FREEDOM, MY FRIEND.
- YEAH.
WHO CALLED THE DAMN
PRESS CONFERENCE?
NOT ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...
"ONCE FAMOUS, TWICE INFAMOUS."
IS THAT WHAT THEY SAY?
SO, WHERE WE GOIN'?
DOWNTOWN.
OH, YOUR NEW PLACE?
IT'S A SURPRISE.
OH-HO.
BASEBALL BE VERY, VERY
GOOD TO YOU, MY FRIEND.
IT'S A BETTER VIEW, HUH?
YEAH.
IT USED TO BE AN ART STUDIO.
JUST BOUGHT THE PLACE LAST YEAR
AND HAD 'EM THROW
IN ALL THE ART.
PROBABLY PAID TOO MUCH FOR THAT,
BUT I FIGURE IT SAVES ME FROM
DECORATING. YOU WANT A SODA?
YEAH, SURE.
I STOCKED THIS FRIDGE FOR YA.
I CALL THIS MY HOME
AWAY FROM HELL.
NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT,
MAN, NOT EVEN MY EX-WIFE.
THANK GOD.
- LOW PROFILE. JUST WHAT YOU WANTED.
- ( opens can )
JUST LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU MOVE OUSO I CAN GET THE PLACE
FUMIGATED.
CHEERS, MAN. UM, THANKS.
TO A
A NEW BEGINNING.
- YEAH. YEAH.
- YEAH.
HEY, YOU'RE GONNA HATE ME,
BUT THE LAST FLIGHT OUTTA
L.A.X. IS 9:00, SO I GOTTA GO.
YEAH, SPRING TRAINING.
SPRING TRAINING. SPRING
BORING. SAME OLD THING.
- HEY.
- THANKS, DUDE, APPRECIATE IT.
I GOT MY CELL PHONE ON ME,
SO YOU CALL ME ANYTIME, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, AND, CHARLIE?
CONSIDER THIS PLACE YOURS.
THANKS, DUDE.
SEE YA AROUND.
( Door closes )
MMM, MMM, MMM. DON'HE STILL LOOK FINE?
WHO YOU IN LOVE
WITH THIS WEEK, TERRY?
NOBODY.
JUST YOUR KNIGHT IN RUSTY ARMOR.
THOUGHT HE GOT TWO YEARS?
HE MADE PAROLE.
I GUESS HE BEHAVED HIMSELF.
YOU GONNA CALL HIM?
WELL, GIRL, GIVE
THE MAN A CHANCE.
TERRY, I TOLD YOU,
IT'S OVER BETWEEN US.
OKAY, WELL, DO A FRIEND A FAVOR.
AFTER YOU BREAK HIS HEART,
SEND HIS ASS MY WAY.
( laughs )
ALL RIGHT, PINKY,
THIS ONE'S COMING TO YOU.
Elliot: NICE, NICE.
ALL RIGHT, ELIMELECH,
STEP UP. YOU READY?
THERE YOU GO.
GET THAT GLOVE. YEAH!
NICE, MAN,
WAY TO COVER THE BOUNCE.
THAT'S GOOD. AW, GREAT!
- I'M GLAD YOU GUYS MADE IT.
- NO PROBLEM, ELLIOT. WE LOVE BASEBALL.
AND RABBI NUSEBAUM IS
GIVING US EXTRA CREDIT.
EVEN BETTER.
LOOK, YOU WANT YOUR ELBOW
PARALLEL TO THE MOUND
AS IT CROSSES YOUR BODY
WITH A RELEASE POINT.
HERE, FIGURE 6.2.
SO WHERE'D YOU GUYS
LEARN TO PLAY? ETHIOPIA?
NO, NO, IN ETHIOPIA
WE PLAY CRICKET.
THE GRANDFATHER
OF YOUR BASEBALL.
BUT YOU GUYS HAVE PLAYED
BALL IN THE STATES, RIGHT?
OH, YES, A LITTLE BIIN THE LITTLE LEAGUE.
USUALLY IN THE OUTFIELDS.
BELIEVE ME, IT'S EASIER
TO CATCH A FLY BALL
THAN A RUNNING SHEEP. ( Laughs )
WOW, THAT WAS GREAT.
IS THAT ETHIOPIAN?
NO, INGLEWOOD.
Man on TV:
One out, runner's at first.
He has a nice lead off.
Here's the stretch...
WRONG DOOR, RABBI.
TEMPLE'S DOWN THE STREET.
Man: MIND YOUR MANNERS, WALDO.
It's sad to watch Charlie Jones
his last few games.
After he dropped that fly ball in the
American League Championship Series,
it just felt like his whole life
went spiraling out of control.
CLYDE, COME ON, IT'S ME.
- ELLIOT?
- YEAH.
BLOODY MARY, LOOK AT YOU.
I DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YA!
LAST TIME I SAW
YOU IN A UNIFORM,
IT HAD A NUMBER SIX ON THE BACK.
FRANKIE DIDN'T TELL
ME YOU GRADUATED.
OH, NO, I'M NOT A RABBI YET.
COME ON OVER, BOYS.
DON'T BE SHY.
SIT OVER HERE.
HAVE A SELTZER ON THE HOUSE.
SO, UM... CLYDE.
SHOULDN'T MY DAD BE HERE BY NOW?
I'll BE EXPECTIN' FRANKIE
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
IF YOU WANT TO WAIT.
OH, AN HOUR? REALLY?
I DON'T THINK I CAN
WAIT THAT LONG.
Female TV announcer: When is
someone gonna dig down a little deeper
and find out the real
Charlie Jones?
Male announcer: We
found the real Charlie Jones.
- No, you have not.
- HEY, CLYDE, COULD YOU TURN THAT UP?
Charlie Jones is a case
of riches to rags.
In two years' time,
he's dropped from a Spirit
on cloud nine
with a .328 average
and a Gold Glove,
to a fallen spirit
who's hitting the bottle
instead of the ball,
fist-fighting with fans,
alienating himself
from his teammates,
and mouthing off to the press.
Veronica, his playing
days are over.
All right, but let's not forget
that was 18 months ago.
He's obviously been
a model prisoner.
He's getting an early parole.
Yeah, because he's
got to do 192 hours
- of community service.
- That's right.
Look, if you ask me,
they're giving him
special treatment.
I LOST 250 BUCKS
ON THAT PENNANT GAME
'CAUSE THAT BOOZER CAN'EVEN CATCH A FLY BALL.
Veronica: Charlie Jones has not been
treated well. He's just done 18 months.
L'HODLICKNER SHEL SHABBOS.
SHABBAT SHALOM.
SHABBAT SHALOM.
SO, UM, HAVE YOU GIVEN
ANY CONSIDERATION
TO MY SUGGESTIONS?
YOU KNOW, AVRAM,
ALL THIS RETIREMENT STUFF,
I MEAN, MY OFFICE
TAKES CARE OF IT,
SO I DON'T REALLY
BOTHER UNDERSTANDING.
OH, BUT YOU SHOULD.
401(K) PENSION PLANS
WITH MONEY PURCHASE OPTIONS
SHOULDN'T BE LEFT TO YOUR BOSS.
NOW, NONSTANDARDIZED
PLAN DOCUMENTS
I WOULD RECOMMEND FAR MORE
THAN ADOPTION AGREEMENTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
OH, SURE.
I MEAN, IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
- ( Doorbell rings )
- GOOD... I MEAN, THE BELL.
- OH, SHIT.
- WHO IS IT?
I'll BE RIGHT BACK.
- HEY, DEBRA.
- CHARLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
SURPRISE.
NOTHING YOU DO
SURPRISES ME ANYMORE.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED, CHARLIE.
I WILL CALL YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S MY NEW NUMBER.
YOU GONNA CALL ME?
YES, YES, I'll CALL YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE?
NEXT TIME, USE THE PHONE,
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE
YOUR SURPRISES ANYMORE.
Avram: DEBRA?
SORRY, AVRAM, THAT WAS
MY EX-BOYFRIEND.
HE JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON.
AND HE DOESN'T HAVE
A PENSION PLAN EITHER.
LET'S EAT.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
Man: COME ON, ELIEZER!
YOU CAN DO IT!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
- RUN, RUN, RUN!
- COME ON!
HEAD HOME. HEAD HOME!
Man: THROW IT! THROW IT!
( Chanting )
- THROW THE RELAY!
- PINKY, PINKY, YOU'RE THE RELAY.
I COVER SECOND. GO!
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
( Chanting )
OY VEY ZMIR! WHAT'S
HAPPENING HERE?
YOU LOOKED SO GOOD IN PRACTICE!
YEAH.
( Speaking Yiddish )
AMEN.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
THANKS TO ZALMAN'S HOMER,
IT WASN'T A COMPLETE SHUTOUT.
WHO CARES IF WE GET ONE RUN
IF THE OTHER TEAMS GET EIGHT?
YEAH, I DON'T SEE
MUCH TO CELEBRATE.
WELL, IF YOU GUYS
COULD HIT THE BALL,
MAYBE WE COULD WIN.
NOT WHEN YOU HAVE 28 ERRORS.
YEAH, ZALMAN, I MEAN, NO
CATCHER LEAVES HOME PLATE
WITH A RUNNER ON THIRD, YOU
SCHMUCK. THAT'S MESHUGANA.
- NO, ELIEZER, THAT WAS YOUR FAULT.
- MY FAULT?
YEAH, THAT'S YOUR FAULT.
YOU'VE GOTTA COVER THAT BALL
SO HE CAN STAY AT HOME.
MICHA'S SUPPOSED TO COVER THIRD.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
WE HAVEN'T GOT TO THACHAPTER IN THE BOOK YET.
( laughing )
COME ON, YOU'RE
THE COACH, ELLIOT.
QUIT SLEEPING ON THE JOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT REALLY.
I NEED HELP. I AM NOT A COACH.
YOU HAVE RABBI MEYER.
YOU GUYS ARE NOT GONNA LEARN
HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL FROM A BOOK.
THIS IS NOT TALMUD,
IT IS A SPORT.
YOU NEED GOOD
COACHING, NOT THE LIBRARY.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH RABBI MEYER.
MAYBE YOU COULD RECOMMEND
A BETTER BOOK.
( laughing )
OY, MY CUPCAKE!
( Growls )
COME ON, ELLIOT, WHO ELSE IS
GONNA COACH US? RABBI NUSEBAUM?
ALL RIGHT, I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT IT,
AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS
I KNOW THE PERFECT COACH.
WHO?
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU GUYS
THERE IS AN EX-MAJOR
LEAGUE CENTER FIELDER
WHO'D BE WILLING TO VOLUNTEER?
WHO, YOUR DAD?
NO, NOT MY DAD.
CHARLIE JONES. FROM THE
SPIRITS. YOU GUYS KNOW HIM?
YOU MEAN THE BOOZER WHO
BOTCHED THE BALL? ISN'T HE IN JAIL?
NO, HE'S NOT IN JAIL...
ANYMORE. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HE'S OUT ON PAROLE, RIGHT, AND
HE HAS TO DO COMMUNITY SERVICE.
LOOK, ELLIOT, WE'RE
TRYING TO WIN HERE.
YES, OF COURSE
WE ARE TRYING TO WIN.
AND I KNOW HE'S NOT AS
POPULAR AS VLADIMIR GUERRERO,
BUT AT LEAST HE
DOESN'T NEED A BOOK.
YEAH, HE'S GOTHE TEACHER'S EDITION.
THE REBBE'S NEVER
GONNA GO FOR IT.
OH, SINCE WHEN DO YOU
SPEAK FOR THE REBBE?
OF COURSE, I WILL
TALK TO THE REBBE.
BUT THE REBBE'S STILL
NEVER GONNA GO FOR IT.
THIS CHARLIE JONES,
HE IS A JEW?
UH, NO, REBBE YAAKOV.
SO, HOW IS IT THIS MAN
IS WILLING TO VOLUNTEER?
WELL, HE'S A FAMILY FRIEND.
AND I THINK IT WOULD MAKE HIM
REALLY HAPPY, REBBE YAAKOV.
HE'S RETIRED.
I SEE.
OKAY, ELIYAHU. BRING HIM TO ME.
BUT REMEMBER,
ONE'S CHARACTER
WILL EARN HIM A PLACE
IN THE WORLD TO COME.
ONE'S ABILITY WILL ONLY
EARN HIM A PAYCHECK.
I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WINNING
AT THE EXPENSE OF SINNING.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
OF COURSE, REBBE YAAKOV.
OF COURSE.
THANK YOU.
"PLEASED TO CONSIDER YOUR
APPLICATION," BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
"SORRY TO REPORT UNABLE,"
YOU MEAN UNWILLING!
Man: Hello, this is Paul
Beck from Central High.
Appreciate your
interest in workin'
with our girls' softball team,
but I talked with the principal
and he didn't think
it was such a good idea.
Sorry, Charlie.
( Beeps )
Hi, Charlie, it's Debra.
Sorry about Friday.
Um, I've got
my new favorite spot.
It's called Maximillian's
on the corner
of Pico and La Cienega.
How about 5:30?
Give me a call, okay? Bye.
( Beeps )
HEY.
ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
UH-HUH, YEAH?
IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
PLEASE.
THIS IS YOUR NEW FAVORITE SPOT?
IT'S A JEWISH RESTAURANT.
EVER HAD KOSHER FOOD, CHARLIE?
I THINK THE HOT DOGS ATHE BALLPARK ARE JEWISH,
I MEAN KOSHER.
SOME ARE, SOME AREN'T.
HOW YA DOIN', CHARLIE?
WHO'S THIS?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER
MY BROTHER ELLIOT?
ELLIOT? HOLY SHIT!
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
PLAYING DOUBLE-A BALL.
I MEAN, WHAT, DID THEY
CHANGE YOUR UNIFORM?
NO, I, UH
I GAVE IT UP, CHARLIE.
I'M AT YESHIVA TORAH V'LIMUD.
I'M STUDYING TO BE A RABBI.
A RABBI?
GOOD EVENING,
WELCOME TO MAXIMILLIAN'S,
HOME OF THE FIVE-POUND RUGELACH.
ANYTHING TO DRINK, SIR?
COFFEE'S COOL.
- A WATER'S FINE FOR ME, THANK YOU.
- I'M FINE.
I'M NOT DRINKING ANYMORE.
I HAVEN'T HAD A DROP
IN 18 MONTHS.
Elliot: GOOD FOR YOU, CHARLIE.
THAT'S... THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
SO, WHAT IS THIS, HUH?
UM, WELL, I INVITED YOU HERE
BECAUSE ELLIOT HAS SOMETHING
HE'D LIKE TO ASK YOU, CHARLIE.
I THOUGHT WE WERE
GONNA BE ALONE.
Elliot: YOU WILL BE,
CHARLIE, I PROMISE.
I JUST REALLY NEED FIVE MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT, MAKE IT QUICK.
THIS IS YESHIVA TORAH V'LIMUD,
MY COLLEGE, AND, UM
WE STARTED A HARDBALL
TEAM AND, UM
WE WERE HOPING THAT YOU
MIGHT WANT TO BE OUR MANAGER.
HERE'S THE BROCHURE.
AND THIS WOULD BE A GREAT WAY TO
KNOCK OUT YOUR COMMUNITY SERVICE.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN 192
HOURS... THAT CAN FLY BY QUICK.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU'RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD.
LISTEN, ELWOOD,
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A MAJOR LEAGUE BALLPLAYER,
BUT I'M NOT A MIRACLE WORKER.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE,
WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT IT, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT, I'll GIVE IT.
SERIOUS CONSIDERATION.
CHARLIE, PLEASE.
MY NUMBER'S ON THE BACK, OKAY?
- THANK YOU.
- BYE.
ARE YOU GUYS READY?
THAT'S OKAY, CHARLIE, I GOT IT.
WE'LL START WITH THE
GEFILTE FISH, LUNGEN STEW.
OH, AND TZIMIS.
OH, HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
HOUSE RULES, SIR.
HA-HA.
YEAH, HA-HA, WHATEVER.
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
JEWISHNESS ALL OF A SUDDEN?
MY MOM, CHARLIE.
MY DEEPEST CONDOLENCES.
I'M JUST SO SORRY.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY, SO WHAT WERE
YOU SAYING ABOUT YOUR MOM?
UM, HER DYING WISH
WAS THAT ELLIOT GO
AND VISIT HER SIDE
OF THE FAMILY IN ISRAEL.
OKAY.
SO, ELLIOT WENT TO JERUSALEM,
AND TWO MONTHS
TURNED INTO TWO YEARS,
AND WHEN HE CAME BACK,
HE WAS ORTHODOX
AND HAD GIVEN UP BASEBALL.
HOLY SHIT.
THAT MUST HAVE KILLED YOUR DAD.
ALMOST. ( Laughs )
BUT THEN HE HATCHED A PLAN
AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
AH, TO TALK SOME SENSE
INTO ELLIOT, HUH?
NO, CHARLIE.
MY DAD HAD IT ALL WRONG.
ELLIOT'S NOT BRAINWASHED.
HE'S OPEN-MINDED.
AND NOW I UNDERSTAND
WHAT DREW HIM
TO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
COMMUNITY. HISTORY.
SPIRITUALITY.
SO, THE PLAN BACKFIRED?
WELL, I'M NOT AS
RELIGIOUS AS ELLIOT,
BUT I'M IN A DIFFERENPLACE NOW.
SO
WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?
FRIENDS, CHARLIE.
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.
( Distant shouting )
WHICH ONE'S FRANKIE DUBS' KID?
THE FAT ONE WITH THE BOOK?
NO, I HOPE THAT'S THE RABBI.
NO, DUBS IS PLAYIN' SHORTSTOP.
WHAT'S WITH THE UNIFORMS?
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY
WENT TO A FUNERAL
AND A GAME BROKE OUT.
I DON'T KNOW, BIBLE
COLORS. BLACK ON WHITE.
I DON'T KNOW.
HEY, DID YOU CALL
HOWARD ROPER, MAN?
THAT GUY LOVED YOU
IN THE MINORS.
YOU HIT 44 HOME RUNS
FOR HIM THAT SEASON.
HE ACTED LIKE HE
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
I'M DONE, MAN,
I CALLED EVERYBODY I KNOW.
MARK CAMPBELL, JIM LOCKLIN.
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S BETTER
THAN PICKIN' UP GARBAGE, HUH?
THE JURY'S STILL OUON THAT ONE, BUDDY.
HEADS UP, WE GOTTA GO.
( Whistles ) COMING HOME!
WELCOME TO YESHIVA
TORAH V'LIMUD.
ELLIOT TELLS ME THAT WITH YOU,
THE YANKLES CAN WIN THE GAME.
WELL, IT'S GONNA BE
A TEAM EFFORT HERE.
I MEAN, I'll DO MY PART,
BUT GUARANTEES?
WELL, I'M NOT SO SURE.
YES, YES, VERY GOOD.
MOISHE, YOUR BOOK,
MAY I SEE IT?
THANK YOU.
YOU MAY NEED THIS.
A GOOD BOOK IS ALWAYS
A BLESSING.
YEAH, OKAY.
NOW, ELIYAHU, I AM CONFIDENTHAT WE WILL SEE MUCH
NACHAS FROM THE YANKLES.
NACHAS, PRIDE.
OH, YEAH, GOD WILLING.
SO
I LEAVE IT TO YOU, MR. JONES,
ELIYAHU, AND OF COURSE,
RABBI MEYER. MAZEL TOV.
MAZEL TOV'S GOOD LUCK.
GOOD... MAZEL TOV, YEAH.
THANK YOU, REB YAAKOV.
SEE YA.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THE WORM CRAWLED
OUT OF HIS BOOKS.
WHY DOES THE FIRST THING OUT OF
YOUR MOUTH HAVE TO BE AN INSULT?
RELIGIOUS FREAK.
NOW IT'S THE SECOND.
NOTHING'S CHANGED.
SOME OF US ARE HAPPY
RIGHT WHERE WE ARE.
THAT BLACK MONKEY SUIDOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK
ANY SMARTER, YOU KNOW.
AND YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME
IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS.
( Burps )
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD, WOULD
YOU JUST CALM DOWN, PLEASE?
I ACTUALLY CAME HERE BECAUSE
I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.
YOU'VE BEEN KICKED OUOF THE YESHIVA?
THE REBBE STARTED
A BASEBALL TEAM.
IT'S A HARDBALL TEAM, AND, UM
I'M PLAYING SHORTSTOP.
AND WE GOT CHARLIE JONES
TO AGREE TO COACH.
CHARLIE JONES?
NO SHIT!
I CAN SEE THE HEADLINES NOW.
EX-CON ALCOHOLIC COACHES RABBIS.
WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR
CRAP-ASS YESHIVA TEAM?
YOU WERE PLAYIN'
DOUBLE-A BALL, ELLIOT.
THE SAN ANTONIO MISSIONS!
WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S OUR SCHEDULE.
JUST, YOU KNOW, BRING DEBRA.
HELL, BRING A SIX-PACK.
YOU'LL HAVE A GOOD
TIME, ALL RIGHT?
THE YANKLES?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH
I INVESTED IN YOU, ELLIOT.
I PAID TOP DOLLAR
FOR THE BEST SCHOOLS,
THE BEST BASEBALL CAMPS,
I CALLED OUT FAVORS,
I PUT YOUR MOTHER THROUGH HELL,
AND THIS IS...
THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE ME,
MR. YESHIVA BOCHER?
THE YANKLES?
YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD? WHEN
ARE YOU GONNA WAKE UP, HUH?
I WAS NEVER GONNA
MAKE THE MAJORS!
NEVER.
DON'T SAVE ME
ANY SEATS, WILL YA?
NO, WE ALREADY HAVE
A GAME ON SUNDAY.
THAT'S THE 16th?
NO, NO, NO, WE CAN'T MAKE UP
APRIL 13th ON TUESDAY THE 18th.
THAT'S THE DAY BEFORE PASSOVER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, THE 20th IS NO GOOD EITHER.
THAT'S ALSO PASSOVER.
JESUS CHRIST, RABBI.
HOW LONG DOES PASSOVER
LAST, A MONTH?
LISTEN, WE'VE GOT 500 GAMES
TO SCHEDULE THIS SEASON.
YOU'RE THE ONLY TEAM
WITH RELIGIOUS BLACKOUT DATES.
NOW BE REASONABLE.
IF YOU CAN'T WORK
IT OUT WITH LUTHERAN,
YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO TAKE A FORFEIT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, I'VE ALREADY BENTHE RULES FOR YA ONCE, RABBI.
MIGHT I REMIND YOU,
YOU HAVE AN INELIGIBLE PLAYER.
NOW THAT'S JUST THE WAY
IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE.
YES, YOU JUST WORK
IT OUT WITH LUTHERAN.
NOW DON'T BOTHER ME
ABOUT THIS AGAIN, RABBI.
NOW, I GOTTA GO.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. BYE.
WITHERS!
SHIT, WITHERS. WHAT DO YOU
GOTTA SLITHER AROUND HERE FOR?
HAS THAT RABBI COACH
FOR THE YANKLES
BEEN COMPLAININ'
ABOUT THEIR SCHEDULE?
NO, HE HASN'T SAID
ANYTHING TO ME.
WHAT A HEADACHE!
THEY BLACKED OUT HALF THE SEASON
WITH JEWISH HOLIDAYS!
I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FRIDAYS,
SATURDAYS, AND PASSOVER.
YEAH, WHATEVER. I
REALLY DON'T GIVE A CRAP.
THEY'RE GONNA BE THE DOORMATS
OF THE WESTERN DIVISION ANYWAY.
MAKE EVERYONE ELSE LOOK GOOD.
WESTERN DIVISION SHOULD
BE KISSIN' MY ASS
I LET THEM IN THE LEAGUE.
( Knocks )
GOOD MORNING, MR. JONES.
YOUR DESK IS RIGHT OVER THERE.
RABBI MEYER.
"CHARLIE JONES."
MR. JONES.
JUST CALL ME "COACH," ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I LIKE COACH BETTER.
OKAY, COACH, LOOKS LIKE
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FORFEIT LUTHERAN.
SCHEDULING CONFLICTS.
IT'S NOT LIKE ONE GAME'S GONNA
MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE ANYWAYS, HUH?
WELL, IT DID LAST YEAR.
LUTHERAN WAS SHUT OUOF THE PLAYOFFS BY ONE LOSS.
PLAYOFFS? IF THE
YANKLES DON'T FINISH LAST,
I'M DOING MY JOB, ALL RIGHT?
BESIDES, THAT'S
PROBABLY WAY PAS192 HOURS ANYWAY, SO
BY THE WAY, I'M A LEFTY.
THIS GOES ON YOUR LEFT.
THE MACHINE OPERATES
THROUGH A SERIES
RIGHT, RIGHT, I GOT IT.
WHAT IS THIS, A FREAKIN' CIRCUS?
( Whistles )
HEY, ALL YOU CLOWNS LINE
UP ON THE THIRD BASE LINE.
COME ON, RIGHT NOW!
FROM WHAT I CAN SEE,
EACH ONE OF YOU HAS TALENT.
IT'S NOT ALL-STAR TALENT.
BASEBALL IS A TEAM SPORT,
AND WHAT I INTEND TO DO
IS WHIP YOUR ASSES
INTO A LEAN, COHESIVE UNIT.
I KNOW YOU CAN HIT.
BUT IT TAKES YOU LONGER
TO GET TO FIRS- THAN IT WILL TO GRADUATE.
- ( laughing )
SO, BACK OFF THE TWINKIES,
LAY OFF THE HO HOS,
AND NO DING DONGS FOR DINNER.
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU
DH. DESIGNATED HITTER.
THANKS, COACH, NOW I DON'HAVE TO SQUAT ALL DAY.
NOW SERIOUSLY, GENTLEMEN.
YOU CAN'T BE A BASEBALL TEAM
UNLESS YOU LOOK LIKE
A BASEBALL TEAM.
AND RIGHT NOW YOU LOOK LIKE
A TEAM OF UNDERTAKERS.
MENDEL, THE TAILOR,
IS MAKING UNIFORMS.
HE SAYS THEY WILL BE READY
IN TIME FOR THE PLAYOFFS.
- THE PLAYOFFS?
- UH-HUH.
OH, GOOD, JUST IN TIME.
ALL RIGHTY THEN.
LET'S PLAY BALL!
- ( Whistles )
- NO.
YOU WHISTLE. YOU WHISTLED.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. HEY, FREEZE.
PUT YOUR ELBOW DOWN.
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN!
GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S
GO. HERE COMES THE PITCH.
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, GOOD JOB!
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP NEXT TIME.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO. SLIDE!
HEY, HEY! COME BACK HERE.
THIS IS A SLIDING DRILL!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
ELIMELECH DOESN'T SLIDE, COACH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HE DOESN'T SLIDE?
COME ON, ARMS IN THE AIR.
GET YOUR BUTT DOWN, CLEATS
UP IN THE AIR. YOU CAN DO IT.
JUST LIKE FIGURE 5.6.
I CAN'T, COACH.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. YOU'RE
NOT GONNA GET HURT.
I CAN'T, I DON'T SLIDE.
THE CHAFETZ CHAIM
SAYS THAT ONE SHOULD
ONLY SACRIFICE THE BODY
TO SAVE A LIFE.
WELL, MAYBE IF THE DUDE KNEW
THAT BY A SLIDE
INTO SECOND YOU COULD
PUT A RUNNER IN
SCORING POSITION,
HE'D THINK DIFFERENTLY.
COACH, PLEASE. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO SLIDE,
HE DOESN'T WANT TO SLIDE.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT, RABBI!
THAT IS A MAJOR LIABILITY.
- WHAT'S GOING ON, COACH?
- LET'S GO ALREADY!
- COME ON, COACH!
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
COACH, GIVE ME THE BOOK.
I WANT YOU TO RUN THESE
DRILLS RIGHT HERE,
IN THE BACK
OF CHAPTER SEVEN, ALL RIGHT?
I'M DONE FOR THE DAY.
BUT, COACH, WE STILL
HAVE ANOTHER HOUR.
NOT ME, I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT.
WHERE'S HE GOING?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
"YESH-IVA
TOE-RAH
( stammers ) VEL-MOOD?"
WHAT IN THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE
WANT WITH YOU? A PRAYER COACH?
BASEBALL TEAM.
IT'S AN UPSTART,
BUT I SEE POTENTIAL THERE.
AND THIS IS BETTER
THAN LITTLE LEAGUE?
YOU DON'T SEE ME
SMILING, DO YOU?
IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE.
WELL, I GUESS AS LONG
AS IT'S NONPROFIT,
BUT I MAY HAVE TO DROP BY
TO TAKE A LOOK AT THINGS
AND SEE IF THEY'RE KOSHER.
- CAN I GO NOW?
- NOT SO FAST.
FILL 'ER UP, BIG GUY.
( Chattering )
( Knock on door )
- CHARLIE!
- HEY.
HEY, COME ON IN.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
OH, YEAH, EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
WOW, SO THIS IS DORM LIFE, HUH?
YEAH.
YEAH, I NEVER LIVED IN A DORM,
WELL, EXCEPT PRISON.
IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING.
WE'LL NEVER GET CAUGHT WITH
A GIRL IN OUR ROOM, SO
OH, YEAH.
SORRY TO HEAR ABOUYOUR MOM, ELLIOT.
THANKS, CHARLIE,
I APPRECIATE THAT.
SO, IS YOUR DAD STILL A FIXTURE
AT DE LEON'S BAR?
ONLY WHEN IT'S OPEN.
HEY, LOOK, UM,
MY PAROLE OFFICER,
SHE GAVE ME THESE PAPERS.
SHE WANTED THEM FILLED OUBY THE SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR.
AND, UM, I COULDN'FIND RABBI MEYER
AND THAT SHMULIK KID SAID THAYOU WERE IN THE DORM, SO I THOUGHRIGHT, RIGHT, YEAH. THAT'S GOOD.
SO, THIS IS BASICALLY
AN HOURLY LOG?
I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS.
LOOK, I'll TELL YA WHAT.
I WORK IN THE OFFICE
ON WEDNESDAYS AND, AH,
I DON'T REALLY THINK
YOU WANT RABBI MEYER
MESSING AROUND WITH THIS, SO
WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I
JUST TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
UM, SO DID THE RABBI
DRILL CHAPTER SEVEN
AFTER I LEFT?
YEAH, HE DID.
WHICH REMINDS ME.
RABBI MEYER WANTED
ME TO GIVE YOU THIS.
IT'S A LISOF KOSHER CUSS WORDS.
I THINK RABBI MEYER'S HOPING YOU'LL
USE THESE INSTEAD OF YOUR USUAL
REPERTOIRE OF PROFANITY
AND GUTTER TALK.
- SERIOUSLY?
- SERIOUSLY.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
OKAY, I CAN BE A TEAM PLAYER.
- "TOOKUS."
- TUCHUS.
TUCHUS, PUTZ, SCHMUCK,
- "MESH-SHWAY-GENAH."
- MESHUGENA.
- OH, MESHUGENA. AND SHNUK.
- SHNOOK.
Avram: Yeah, I'm
right around the corner
at the convention.
THE PENSION CONVENTION.
- I guess you could call it that.
- SOUNDS EXCITING.
- Oh, it is. I'll tell you all about it at lunch.
- WE HAVE A VISITOR.
So, I'll meet you in
the lobby in 20 minutes.
YOU KNOW WHAT, AVRAM,
I GOTTA GO.
BUT I'll SEE YOU SOON, OKAY?
- Great.
- BYE.
Bye.
HEY.
HI, CHARLIE.
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
OOH!
BYE-BYE, TERRY.
OUT.
JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
GO.
I BROUGHT YOU SOME RUGELACH.
CERTIFIED KOSHER
FROM MAXIMILLIAN HIMSELF.
THANK YOU.
HAVE YOU EATEN LUNCH YET?
I KNOW THIS VEGGIE
PLACE AROUND HERE.
- I CAN'T. I ALREADY MADE PLANS.
- THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'll CANCEL.
NO, NO, NO, THE REAL
REASON I CAME BY
IS JUST TO SAY THANK
YOU FOR THE YANKLES.
I DIDN'T WANT TO
DISRUPT YOUR PLANS
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
NO, DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE NOT.
JUST LET ME LOG OFF.
ALL RIGHT.
( Taps keyboard )
SO, IS IT AS BAD AS
THE YESHIVA BROCHURE?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO,
THERE'S POTENTIAL.
YOU KNOW FOR RABBIS,
THEY'VE GOT COORDINATION.
YOU LOOK LIKE A SCHMUCK.
HEY, HEY, EASY!
I KNOW THAT WORD.
AND PUTZ AND TUCHUS AND SHNOOK.
NO, NO, I'VE GOT IALL GOIN' ON NOW.
OH, YEAH.
I'M GLAD IT'S WORKIN'
OUT FOR YA, CHARLIE.
YEAH, WHO KNOWS? I
MEAN, WITH A LITTLE LUCK,
WE MIGHT EVEN WIN A GAME OR TWO.
I THINK THAT'S ELLIOT'S PLAN.
YOU DO THE COACHING.
THEY DO THE PRAYING.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
MOVE YOUR ASSES!
I MEAN TUCHUS! MOVE YOUR TUCHUS!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
LET'S GO! KNEES UP!
LET'S GO, MOVE IT,
MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
SCHMUCK, ELI-MILK.
- YOU LOOK LIKE PUTZ.
- ( laughing )
YEAH, YEAH, COME ON,
COME ON, KNEES UP, LET'S GO!
BETTER YOU SHOULD SAY,
"ELIMELECH, YOU SCHMUCK.
YOU LOOK LIKE A PUTZ."
GREAT, I'll TRY THAT.
OKAY, GREAT, THANKS.
( Whistles ) ALL RIGHT, ALL
YOU SCHMUCKS AND PUTZES,
COME ON IN, COME ON IN.
( Whistles )
THANKS FOR THAT.
HERE, AND THEN SIMULTANEOUSLY
THE SIGNAL GETS AROUND.
OKAY, THAT'S THE REASON
FOR THIS.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY A COUPLE.
ALL RIGHT?
EVERYBODY, DO WHAT I DO.
ALL RIGHT.
( laughing )
WHAT?
COME ON, BEND YOUR KNEES.
YOU LOOK LIKE A SCHMUCK.
COME ON, BEND THEM.
BEND YOUR KNEES.
LEGS SPREAD APART.
KEEP YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER, COME ON.
UP, UP HERE, LOOK THAT WAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
KEEP YOUR ELBOWS UP,
AND YOU WANT TO SWING
WITH YOUR HIPS. ALL RIGHT?
YOU GOT IT, ELBOWS UP.
( Cheering )
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, NOW TRY
NOT TO LEAN FORWARD.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU OWN THIS PARK!
Charlie: WATCH FOR
THE SLIDER, TESHOME.
SHMULIK, WATCH OUFOR THE THROWBACK.
GOOD LEAD, ELI-MILK.
WATCH ME FOR THE SIGNS.
( Whistles )
WHAT?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
SHIT! PUTZ!
LEARN THE SCHMUCKING SIGNS!
I CALLED A HIT AND RUN.
- YOU WANT A HIT AND RUN?
- YEAH, I WANT A HIT AND RUN.
SHLUG UN LOYF SHPIEL!
SHLUG UN LOYF!
OY. SHLUG UN LOYF SHPIEL?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO
IN THE FIRST PLACE?
SHLUG UN LOYF
SHPIEL! SHLUG UN LOYF!
OH, SHLUG UN LOYF SHPIEL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, WATCH YOUR MAN,
STAY CLOSE.
RUN, KEEP RUNNING, HEAD HOME!
DON'T RUN OVER ME,
YA PUTZ! RUN HOME!
Catcher: RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE!
Charlie: GO TO
THIRD. GO TO THIRD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FORGET THE YARMULKE!
OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO!
COME ON, WE GOT THREE MORE OUTS!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
( Shouts )
( Groans )
( Growls )
NU? BOBBY PIN MALFUNCTION.
IT HAPPENS.
Charlie: TWO STRIKES,
ELIEZER. ONE MORE STRIKE.
REMEMBER, TWO OUTS.
- THIS IS IT!
- YOU GOT IT!
- COME ON, ELIEZER!
- YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT!
- STRIKE THREE!
- YES!
( Cheering )
All: MAZEL TOV!
BECAUSE I PLAYED BEFORE,
BUT I NEVER
WAIT, WAIT, YOU'RE
SAYING YOU DIDN'T GEYOUR FIRST GLOVE
TILL YOU WERE 13?
IT WAS A BAR MITZVAH
GIFT FROM MY GRANDFATHER.
YEAH, HE WASN'T RELIGIOUS.
HE USED TO GO TO YANKEE GAMES
ON SHABBOS, REMEMBER?
( laughing )
ALL RIGHT, ELI-MILK. YOUR TURN.
- ME?
- THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.
WELL, I WAS FORCED INTO IT.
FORCED?
YEAH, ONE DAY I'M WALKIN'
BY MAX MEYER'S PARK
AND ELIEZER WAS THERE PLAYING
WITH SOME OF HIS GOYISHA FRIENDS
AND THEY NEEDED A FIELDER.
SO, I PUT HIM OUT IN RIGHT FIELD
- WHERE I FIGURED HE'D DO THE LEAST DAMAGE.
- NOT THIS GUY.
BUT GOD WORKS
IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
SO, THE NEXT PITCH
WAS HIT RIGHT TO HIM,
BUT OF COURSE HE MISJUDGED IT.
GOT SMASHED RIGHT IN THE EYE.
I FELT LIKE A REAL PUTZ.
WELL, YOU LOOKED
LIKE A REAL PUTZ.
ANYWAY, I TOLD HIM
I'D COACH HIS BASEBALL
IF HE COACHED MY TALMUD.
SO, IS ELIEZER'S TALMUD
AS BAD AS YOUR BASEBALL?
A TEACHER'S ONLY
AS GOOD AS HIS PUPIL.
OH, COME ON, ISN'T THATHE OTHER WAY AROUND?
Charlie: NO, IT GOES BOTH WAYS.
IF YOU SUCCEED AGAINST ALL ODDS,
PEOPLE GOTTA GIVE YOU RESPECT.
YEAH, AND SOME PEOPLE MIGHEVEN START TO LIKE YOU.
- NAH.
- COME ON!
( Chatter )
( Door creaking )
MRS. PAYTON. NO, NO, NO,
MEN AND WOMEN DON'T TOUCH.
THE REBBE WILL SEE YOU NOW.
Charlie: I FEEL
RIDICULOUS IN THIS OUTFIT.
RELAX, IT'S PURIM, CHARLIE.
THAT'S THE TRADITION.
YOU SEE, EVERYONE'S IN COSTUME.
- YOU'RE GONNA FIT RIGHT IN.
- NO, I WON'T.
BESIDES US, WHO'S GONNA
KNOW I'M EVEN IN COSTUME?
- RIFKAH!
- HEY, HEY, NOT SO FAST. WHERE YOU GOING?
GO FIND ELLIOT.
I'll SEE YOU LATER.
OH.
- ( Glasses clink )
- ( cheering )
POUR TESHOME SOME WINE.
COME ON, COME ON,
POUR HIM SOME WINE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
ANDSHULDIK MIR. BIST DU
DAH TSU LAYNEN DI MEGILA?
ELLIOT, IT'S ME, YOU PUTZ.
CHARLIE?
WOW, THIS THING LOOKS SO REAL,
I NEVER WOULD'VE
EVEN RECOGNIZED YOU.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, MAN.
IT'S TIME TO DANCE, LET'S GO.
PULL THAT THING UP,
YOU LOOK AMISH.
COME ON, COME ON.
( Singing in Yiddish )
YEAH, GO FOR IT, CHARLIE!
OY VEY.
OH, MY EARS.
SHALOM ALEICHEM.
PLEASE SIT. SIT DOWN.
HAG SAMAYACH, REBBE YAAKOV.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU, CHARLIE.
I WANT TO TELL YOU
A LITTLE STORY, CHARLIE.
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN,
I LIVED IN A LITTLE
POLISH TOWN CALLED LOMZA.
ONE DAY, I WAS
IN THE POST OFFICE.
THE CLERK, A POLISH MAN,
HE GAVE ME MORE STAMPS
THAN I PAID FOR.
WITHOUT HESITATION,
I RETURNED THE EXTRA STAMPS.
THE CLERK SMILED AT ME
AS IF HE WAS PLAYING
A SILLY GAME.
IT WAS THEN I KNEW HE GAVE ME
THE EXTRA STAMPS ON PURPOSE.
I WAS NOT SURPRISED TO LEARN
WHEN THE NAZIS CAME TO LOMZA,
THAT SAME CLERK WAS ONE
OF THE ONLY POLISH PEOPLE
IN MY LITTLE VILLAGE
TO HELP THE JEWS.
HE RISKED HIS OWN LIFE
TO HIDE A JEWISH FAMILY
IN HIS BASEMENT UNTIL
THEY COULD ESCAPE.
WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED
IF I KEPT THOSE EXTRA STAMPS?
CHARLIE, THE SLIGHTEST ACCAN HAVE THE GREATESCONSEQUENCES.
MY YANKLES WILL ALWAYS BE SEEN
AS JEWS FIRSAND A BASEBALL TEAM SECOND.
CHARLIE, I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
I KNOW BOTH YOU AND THE YANKLES
WILL BRING US HONOR
AND, I HOPE, VICTORY.
UM, THANK YOU.
I UNDERSTAND, RABBI.
AND I WON'T DROP THIS BALL.
GOOD, CHARLIE, GOOD.
NOW TONIGHT, EAT SOME CAKE,
ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
ELIYAHU,
YOU CAN STAY FOR A MINUTE, YES?
UH, SURE, REBBE YAAKOV.
GOOD.
Avram: YEAH, THE
MEN'S CLUB IS HOSTING.
A BAGEL BRUNCH ON SUNDAY.
YOU SHOULD COME.
Debra: YEAH, I'M PLANNING
TO GO WITH ELLIOT.
- REALLY?
- REALLY.
GREAT, MAYBE AFTERWARDS
WE COULD GO OUAND DO SOMETHING?
- SURE.
- OKAY, THEN IT'S A DATE.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
ELIYAHU, THIS MORNING WE HAD
A SURPRISE VISITOR,
A CERTAIN PAROLE OFFICER.
REB YAAKOV, I SWEAR
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU
NO, ELIYAHU,
NOW IS NOT THE TIME
FOR YOU TO SPEAK.
NOW IS THE TIME
FOR YOU TO LISTEN.
BY YOUR SILENCE, ELIYAHU,
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOUR HEARWAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE,
YOU DENIED ME THE MITZVAH
OF OYZER BETSHUVA,
TO HELP IN ONE'S REDEMPTION.
NEXT TIME,
DON'T LET YOUR AMBITION
OVERCOME
YOUR HONESTY.
I KNOW YOUR FATHER
WILL BE PROUD OF YOU TOMORROW,
WITH OR WITHOUT CHARLIE JONES.
OKAY?
GOOD ENOUGH.
ZAGAZOONT.
AND NOW, GIVE IUP FOR BIMA BOY!
( Cheering )
( Reggae music playing )
( Rapping in Yiddish )
REBBE MADE A CALL
CALL TO PLAY BALL
OUT GOES THE WORD
TO THE YESHIVA HALL
WITHOUT HESITATION
WHO MADE THE DECISION
TO RISE TO THE CHALLENGE
OF THE REBBE'S MISSION
ELIEZER, ELIMELECH,
SHMULIK, PINCHUS
TESHOME, MALASA,
MICHA, SIMCHAS
SHNEIUR ZALMAN,
YOSEF, AVIGDOR
AND YERUCHUM COMPLETE
THE PICTURE
LIKE DRY BONES
THAT CAME TO LIFE
YANKLES BASEBALL
HAS ARRIVED.
HEY, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO WHAT'D YOU THINK
OF THE PARTY?
WELL, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A PARTY
WHERE THE MEN AND WOMEN
COULDN'T DANCE TOGETHER.
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
THAT'S MODESTY.
I MEAN, DANCING MAY SEEM
HARMLESS TO YOU AND ME,
BUT DON'T TELL
THAT TO THE REBBE.
WELL, I DIDN'T SEE
YOU ALL NIGHT LONG.
SO I DIDN'T WEAR THIS
COSTUME FOR NOTHING.
SO...
( Yiddish music playing )
THIS IS YIDDISH MUSIC.
YOU NEVER WANTED TO DANCE
WITH ME BEFORE, CHARLIE.
WELL, I'VE HAD LOTS
OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.
COME ON, I GOTTA DIP YOU.
OH! YOU'RE SILLY.
HIT IT, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
( Singing in Yiddish )
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GUYS
ARE DONE PUTZING
AROUND, ALL RIGHT?
RESPECT THE CULTURE.
YANKLES!
( Chanting in foreign language )
Charlie: PICK YOUR
SPOTS, BUDDY. LET'S GO!
COME ON, ELIEZER,
COME ON. ALL RIGHT?
SHAKE IT OFF. JUST RELAX, RELAX.
REMEMBER, REACH ALL
THE WAY BACK,
ALL THE WAY BACK,
AND THEN FINISH.
HIT YOUR SPOTS, HIT YOUR SPOTS.
IS THAT LIKE FIGURE 6.4?
( Singing in Yiddish )
OUT!
Zalman: YOU'VE GOT THE ROOM,
YOU'VE GOT THE ROOM, YES, YES!
( Cheering )
( Blowing horn )
YEAH! YES!
- COME ON, WE'RE MOVING OUT. LET'S GO!
- COME ON!
BUT IT'S IN THE BOOK.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'll BUY ONE TOMORROW.
COME ON, ELIEZER, LET'S GO.
( Cheering )
ROUND AND LOOK, ROUND
AND LOOK. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
DEFENSE, COME ON.
( Music playing over dialogue )
- THREE!
- ( cheering )
THE YANKLES ARE 16 AND 6.
17 AND 6.
( Door opens )
KEEP IT CIVIL.
AT LEAST TAKE OFF THAGODDAMN HAT, WILL YA?
LOOK, DAD, I JUSCAME TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT THE SEASON'S OVER.
WE WENT 17 AND 6,
WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD.
THERE IS A CHANCE THAIF NAZARENE LOSES TODAY
THAT WE COULD BACK
INTO THE PLAYOFFS.
DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU NEVER
KNEW YOUR GRANDPARENTS?
'CAUSE I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
I WAS FAITHFUL.
I WAS A LOVING HUSBAND.
BUT I WASN'T RELIGIOUS,
AND THEY WOULDN'ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM.
I'M A BASEBALL PLAYER.
YOU'RE ALL I HAD LEFT, ELLIOT.
YOU AND YOUR SISTER.
AND NOW LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT A WASTE.
WHO ARE YOU?
A BALLPLAYER?
A RABBI?
YOU CAN'T BE BOTH.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
THANK GOD THEY MADE
IT TO THE PLAYOFFS.
GOOD, MENDEL, THANK YOU.
TOMORROW MY YANKLES DEPARON A GREAT JOURNEY
TO PALM SPRINGS.
WE WISH THEM MAZEL,
SUCCESS, VICTORY.
MAY GOD SAFELY
RETURN THEM TO US.
CHARLIE, COME, PLEASE.
UP HERE, COME.
CHARLIE, I HAD MENDEL
MAKE THIS UNIFORM
SPECIAL FOR YOU.
DOVID BEN YAAKOV?
UP, UP, EVERYONE SHOULD SEE.
CHARLIE, DOVID KILLED GOLIATH
AND LATER BECAME KING OF ISRAEL.
HE WAS ONE OF THE
GREATEST JEWISH GENERALS
WHO EVER LIVED.
A LEADER OF MEN.
SO WITH THIS JERSEY,
YOU WILL BE KNOWN
AS DOVID BEN YAAKOV.
DAVID, SON OF THE YANKLES.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
HELL, YES!
SATURDAY'S NO PROBLEM.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE JUST EXCITED
YOU'RE ON BOARD.
NOPE, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.
WE'LL MAKE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS.
ALL RIGHT, BOB.
YEAH, I'll BE IN TOUCH.
THANKS, BYE.
WITHERS! GET IN HERE!
YES, WALT?
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH SEROTNIC AT SCN.
THEY'RE GONNA TELEVISE
THE FINAL GAME.
WELL, FANTASTIC.
CONGRATULATIONS, WALT.
YEAH, HE WANTS THE GAME
ON SATURDAY.
YOU KNOW, BETTER SPORTS DAY.
YOU KNOW, RATINGS, YOU KNOW.
WHAT ABOUT THE YANKLES?
WHAT ABOUT THE YANKLES?
PASSOVER'S GOTTA BE OVER BY NOW.
WELL, THEY DON'T PLAY
ON SATURDAY, REMEMBER?
THAT'S WHY I SCHEDULED
THE GAME FOR THURSDAY.
THAT'S JUST TOO BAD.
I'M NOT ROCK IN' THE BOAT.
ANYWAY WE GOT NOTHIN'
TO WORRY ABOUT.
THERE AIN'T NO WAY IN HELL
THOSE RABBIS ARE GONNA ADVANCE
THROUGH THE TOURNAMENT.
I'll STAKE MONEY
ON THAT RIGHT NOW.
THAT WOULDN'T BE
A SAFE BET, WALT.
CHARLIE JONES
IS COACH IN' THAT TEAM.
CHARLIE JONES?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUTHIS BEFORE, WITHERS?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST NEVER CAME UP.
OH, BOY, THAT IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.
LISTEN, WITHERS, YOU JUSMAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS.
I'll TAKE CARE OF THE YANKLES
AND MR. CHARLIE JONES.
CHARLIE JONES.
YOU OWE ME 250 BUCKS.
- CHARLIE JONES.
- ( softly ) YES.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
YES, IT HAS.
WE NEED TO TALK.
CALL MY SECRETARY,
MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.
IT'S ABOUT ELLIOT.
ELLIOT WHO?
WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM?
WOULD IT KILL YOU TO COME
SEE YOUR OWN SON PLAY BALL?
FIRST OF ALL, THAT IS NONE
OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.
AND SECOND,
I JUST CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?
YOUR SON ISN'T IN SOME MONASTERY
ON TOP OF A HILL SOMEWHERE.
HE MIGHT AS WELL BE.
WELL, HE'S NOT. HE'S HERE.
HE'S LIKE 15 MINUTES AWAY.
IT DON'T MATTER WHERE HE IS.
I'VE GOT NOTHING IN COMMON
WITH MY OWN SON.
FRANKIE, WHAT DO YA THINK
THE YANKLES IS FOR?
HUH?
WASN'T IT GOOD?
AND IT'S HEALTHIER, TOO.
I'll ADMIT IT,
IT'S A LOT BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.
NOT BAD FOR YOUR FIRST TIME.
ME?
YOU DID ALL THE COOKING.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE GONNA
DO ALL THE DISHES.
OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT ALL THIS CAN WAIT.
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANYOU TO SEE FIRST.
COME ON. YOU'LL HAVE
TO CLOSE YOUR EYES.
- COME ON, COME ON.
- NO MORE SURPRISES, CHARLIE.
NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE THIS ONE, I PROMISE.
- CLOSE YOUR EYES, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
- HEY.
ALL RIGHT,
KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.
- WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
- OKAY.
AND OPEN THEM.
TA-DA! ( Laughs )
WOW!
I THOUGHT YOU SAID EVERYTHING
GOT AUCTIONED OFF.
IT DID, BUT GUESS WHO
WAS THE HIGHEST BIDDER?
- SLEDGE.
- SLEDGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
THERE'S ONE MORE THING.
HOLD ON.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
OKAY, COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN.
( Indistinct chatter )
Charlie: REMEMBER?
THERE'S YOUR MOM AND DAD.
MY MOM.
Get up, put your hats on!
He'll be here any second.
SURPRISE!
- Charlie: LOOK AT ELLIOT.
- ( laughing )
- Debra: OH, MY GOD.
- HE HAD HAIR.
Happy birthday!
OH, MY GOSH.
WE CAN BE LIKE THAT AGAIN.
WHAT?
I CAN'T DO THIS.
IT ISN'T RIGHT.
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LOOK, DEBRA, PLEASE, PLEASE.
DEBRA, PLEASE. DON'T GO, PLEASE.
IF YOU'D JUST STOP FIGHTING
YOUR FEELINGS FOR HALF A SECOND,
YOU'D KNOW THAT THERE'S
NOTHING MORE RIGHT THAN THIS.
I LOVE YOU,
AND I'VE NEVER STOP
STOP TRYING
TO CONFUSE ME, CHARLIE.
YOU KNOW I'M LOOKING
FOR A HUSBAND
AND I WANT THAT HUSBAND
TO BE JEWISH.
IT TAKES A JEWISH MAN
TO BUILD A JEWISH HOME
AND SOMEDAY RAISE
SOME JEWISH KIDS.
THAT'S WHAT I WANT!
I HAVE STEPPED UP!
I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES!
AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING
ME THAT NO MATTER
HOW HARD I TRY TO REDEEM MYSELF,
YOU CAN'T LOVE ME
BECAUSE I'M NOT JEWISH?
IT'S JUST THE OPPOSITE, CHARLIE.
I DO LOVE YOU.
BUT IT'S LIKE
"FIDDLER ON THE ROOF."
A BIRD MAY LOVE A FISH,
BUT WHERE WILL THEY
BUILD A HOME TOGETHER?
SHIT!
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
OFF THE BUS. LET'S GO QUICK.
- HUSTLE UP, LET'S GO!
- COME ON, GUYS.
GATHER 'ROUND. COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, GATHER AROUND.
ALL RIGHT, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY SET ASIDE
SOME KOSHER FOOD FOR YOU GUYS.
SO RELAX,
TAKE YOUR HATS OFF AND BLEND.
Man: THEY LOOK LIKE A
TEAM, YOU CAN SAY THAT.
LOOK AT THIS!
THEY CHANGED THE FINAL
GAME TO SHABBOS.
SHABBOS? IT'S A MISPRINT.
IT'S NOT A MISPRINT. WE'RE
JUST THE LAST TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
DIDN'T YOU GIVE THEM
THE JEWISH CALENDAR?
I DID. THE ORIGINAL GAME
WAS SCHEDULED FOR THURSDAY.
YOU SAW IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES.
I'M SORRY, EXCUSE ME.
MR. WITHERS, YOU'RE WITH
THE TOURNAMENT COMMITTEE?
CHARLIE JONES. IT'S A PLEASURE.
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THE SCHEDULE.
YOU'VE GOT US PLAYING
ON SATURDAY.
SATURDAY'S THE JEWISH SABBATH,
- AND WE TOLD YOU A LONG TIME AGO...
- HOLD ON, MR. JONES.
YOU'RE BARKIN' UP
THE WRONG TREE.
YOU NEED TO TALK
TO WALT PARSONS.
WALTER PARSONS?
YES, WALTER PARSONS.
OKAY, LOOK, I GOTTA
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
STAY HERE, DON'T EAT THAT.
IT'S NOT KOSHER.
THANKS A LOT.
SO I SAID, "COACH, IF I EVER
HAD A PLAYER LIKE THAT,
I'D NEED A BULL PEN
THE SIZE OF A RODEO RING
JUST SO HIS BALLS WOULDN'FEEL CLAUSTROPHOBIC."
SO, THEY MADE YOU N.I.S.A.
COMMISSIONER, HUH?
WELL, FOLKS,
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
JUST ENJOY THE RESOF THE PARTY.
CHARLIE JONES.
NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN.
WHY'D YOU CHANGE THE FINAL
TO SATURDAY, PARSONS?
THE YANKLES CAN'PLAY ON THE SABBATH.
YEAH, BUT WE DID
GET YA KOSHER FOOD.
DON'T PATRONIZE ME!
NOW CALM DOWN, JONES.
WE MADE A DEAL WITH SCN
TO TELEVISE THE FINAL GAME.
NOW, THAT'S A FIRST FOR US
AND JUST THE KIND OF
PUBLICITY THIS LEAGUE NEEDS,
BUT SCN INSISTED
ON A SATURDAY FINAL.
NOW I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY
INCONVENIENCE, CHARLIE JONES.
INCONVENIENCE?
THE YANKLES CAN'T PLAY
ON SATURDAY!
WHAT PART OF THAT DON'YOU UNDERSTAND, PARSONS?
NOW COME ON, CHARLIE.
LET'S DON'T GEOUR FEATHERS RUFFLED.
I'D BE WILL IN'
TO BET THE YANKLES
DON'T MAKE IT OUT OF ROUND ONE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
I AM THE HOST OF THIS PARTY.
BYE-BYE.
CHARLIE. HI, I'M
VERONICA ST. JAMES.
I'M INTERESTED IN DOING
AN EXCLUSIVE STORY ON YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOUR
STORY IS OVER THERE, OKAY?
I'M YESTERDAY'S NEWS.
THERE'S YOUR STORY.
- NO, NO, I...
- EXCUSE ME.
HELLO. WELCOME.
TABLE FOR THREE?
SO, NO MEAT, NO FISH,
NO POULTRY, NO EGGS,
AND NO MILK,
AND YOU BAKE YOUR OWN BREAD?
YES, EVERYTHING TOFU.
WELL, IT'S KOSHER.
LET'S EAT.
THE IRONY IS WE DON'EVEN WATCH TV.
AT THE YESHIVA,
IT'S A DISTRACTION.
WE'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IT.
BUT, RABBI,
TV BRINGS VISIBILITY,
VISIBILITY BRINGS EXPOSURE,
AND EXPOSURE BRINGS MONEY.
SPORTS IS BIG BUSINESS.
I MEAN, WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK
PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES MAKE SO MUCH MONEY?
IT'S TV THAT PRIMES THAT PUMP.
- TOFU PORK?
- ( laughing )
SO, YES, BUT, ELLIOT,
THIS IS SUPPOSED
TO BE AN AMATEUR LEAGUE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER. TO SCN, IT'S
ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAMMING.
YEAH, AND WE'RE THE SIDESHOW.
GUYS, LET'S NOT GET DISTRACTED
BY ALL THIS STUFF.
LET'S JUST WIN, ALL RIGHT?
'CAUSE IF WE WIN,
WHAT ELSE CAN THEY DO?
EXCUSE PLEASE, SIR.
YOU SOME KIND
OF RELIGIOUS SCHOOL?
NO, SIR, WE'RE A BASEBALL TEAM.
COME ON, ELLIOT!
ALL RIGHT, ELLIOT,
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU.
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU. LET'S GO!
( Crowd cheering )
- ( Crowd groans )
- ( booing )
Charlie: ELLIOT, DON'PULL YOUR HEAD.
ELLIOT, THIS IS YOURS. THIS IS
YOU, BABY. IT'S YOU. LET'S GO!
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
- YEAH! YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
- ( cheering )
MAZEL TOV, MAZEL TOV.
LOOK OUT, LET HIM
CROSS THE PLATE!
( Cheering )
HEY, PARSONS,
MY FEATHERS
ARE STARTING TO RUFFLE.
YOU SURE LOST THAT BET.
THERE IS ONE THING
FOR SURE, THOUGH.
WE WON'T BE SEEIN'
THE YANKLES ON SATURDAY.
( laughs ) CAN I QUOTE
YOU ON THAT?
( Doorbell rings )
SLEDGE, HI.
HEY, DEBRA, HOW ARE YA?
GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
DO YOU WANNA COME IN?
OH, NO, I CAN'T. I GOTTA GO,
BUT CHARLIE ASKED ME
TO DROP THIS BY.
HE SAID IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
WELL, THANKS, SLEDGE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'COME IN? I JUST MADE COFFEE.
NO, I GOTTA CATCH A
PLANE, BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME.
- OKAY, OKAY.
- OKAY.
HEY, DEBRA, ONE MORE THING.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE
CHARLIE, OKAY?
AFTER ALL HE'S BEEN THROUGH,
HE'S CAPABLE OF ANYTHING.
THANKS, SLEDGE.
OKAY, I'll SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
Charlie's voice: "DEAR DEBRA,
THERE ARE BIRDS THAT CAN SWIM."
THERE ARE FISH THAT CAN FLY.
IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME,
PLEASE LET ME TRY.
IT'S CORNY, BUT TRUE.
SHALOM.
LOVE, CHARLIE,
"A.K.A. DOVID BEN YAAKOV."
Rabbi Meyer: SHEH-HECH-EEYANU
VEKEY-EMANU.
VEHEY-GEE-ANU LAZMAN HAZEH.
AMEN!
( Cheering )
HERE WE GO!
Rabbi Meyer: HOLD UP ON SECOND.
HERE WE GO, WE'RE ALL RIGHT.
WAY TO GO, MALASA.
STAND-UP DOUBLE.
- MAKE SURE HE'S WATCHING YOU.
- COME ON!
LAY BACK ON THE PITCH.
OPPOSITE FIELD, ELI-MILK.
WATCH FOR THE CHANGEUP.
Charlie: YEAH!
YES!
Rabbi Meyer: ALL RIGHT!
TYING RUN AT THIRD.
Charlie: EXCELLENT, ELI-MILK.
GOOD JOB, GOOD JOB, GUYS!
LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
MICHA, YOU'RE ON DECK.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, ONE OUT.
ELI-MILK,
YOU'RE THE WINNING RUN.
PAY ATTENTION.
STEP IN.
Charlie: OKAY, SHMULIK,
NO DOUBLE PLAY.
WATCH FOR THE OFF-SPEED PITCH.
YES! THAT'S A BASE HIT.
WAY TO GO.
SAFE!
STOP, STOP! HOLD ON THIRD!
NO! STOP, YOU SCHMUCK!
SAFE!
( Cheering )
( Coughs )
Charlie: YES!
THAT WAS CRAZY!
COME HERE.
YOU GOT A LOT OF HEART.
- ( Cell phone rings )
- SHIT!
- HELLO.
- Walt, it's Bob.
OH, HI, BOB. WE WERE
JUST TALKIN' ABOUT YA.
Well, congratulations.
CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT?
Those Yankles
are a ratings bonanza.
We hit the jackpot here. Move
the game to Sunday, Walt.
Not only are we gonna get bumper ratings,
we're gonna come out lookin' like heroes.
This whole Sabbath thing is
a godsend. It's perfect, Walt.
Walt? Walt, you there?
YEAH, BOB, I'M HERE.
KIND OF SHORT NOTICE.
IT MIGHT NOT BE FEASIBLE.
Come on, Walt, don't
disappoint me, all right? Walt?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY, BOB. YEAH, SURE.
- Good, good, I gotta go.
- ( clicks )
WELL, THAT'S IT.
HE'S MOVIN' THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING THAI THOUGHT YOU MIGHGET A KICK OUT OF.
"IN THE TOP OF THE FIFTH INNING,
ELLIOT DUBINSKY,
YANKLES TEAM CAPTAIN,
MADE A REMARKABLE GRAB
AT SHORTSTOP
WHICH RESULTED IN A DOUBLE PLAY.
HAVING SEEN THE PROMISED LAND,
ELLIOT LED THE YANKLES
TO VICTORY
WITH A MIRACULOUS
WALK-OFF HOME RUN
"IN THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH."
( Sighs )
Elliot: Yeah, that's right.
We will definitely not
be playing on Saturday.
Man: Why's that?
- Because it's Shabbos.
- Shabbos?
The Jewish Sabbath.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.
- Sorry.
Um, I think the thing is
that when you're a Yankle,
you know, you don't
really have a choice.
We don't believe
in victory at all costs.
There's some things
that are more important.
- Thank you, Elliot.
- DOVID BEN YAAKOV.
That was Elliot Dubinsky.
He's the son of retired
Spirits infielder Frankie Dubs.
Like father, like son.
This is Ted Greenly reporting
from the N.I.S.A.
College World Series
- in Palm Springs. Now back to you.
- ( chanting )
- YANKLES!
- ALL RIGHT!
( Clicks )
CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
AS YOU KNOW, JONES,
THIS WHOLE SITUATION
IS VERY COMPLEX,
BUT IN THE END,
I'VE DECIDED TO CHANGE
THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
THE YANKLES CAN PLAY
ON SUNDAY, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW THEY CAN, PARSONS.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN.
BUT THERE IS ONE CONDITION.
IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION THAYOUR TEAM CAPTAIN MR. DUBINSKY
HAS PLAYED PROFESSIONAL BALL
WITH THE SAN ANTONIO MISSIONS.
AS SUCH, THAT WOULD MAKE HIM
INELIGIBLE IN OUR LEAGUE.
THAT'S BULLSHIT, PARSONS.
THE LEAGUE OFFICE CLEARED
DUBINSKY BEFORE WEEK ONE.
LEAGUE OFFICE?
WELL, THAT WOULD BE ME,
AND I DON'T HAVE ANY SPECIFIC
RECOLLECTION OF ANY SUCH WAIVER.
YOU'RE LYING AGAIN, PARSONS.
OKAY, FINE.
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
DUBINSKY CAN PLAY. YOU SIT OUT.
( Scoffs ) I GET IT.
THIS IS YOUR REVENGE, RIGHT?
YOU CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL,
BUT IF YOU WANNA WATCH
YOUR RABBIS LOSE ON SUNDAY,
IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE
AS A SPECTATOR.
WHAT ABOUT THE PRESS,
HUH? THE GAME'S ON TV.
HOW YA GONNA EXPLAIN
THE HEADLINES, HUH?
DAMN YOU, JONES. DON'PLAY YOUR GAMES WITH ME.
YOU BREATHE A WORD
OF THIS TO THE PRESS
AND I'll SEE TO IPERSONALLY THE YANKLES.
NEVER PLAY ANOTHER GAME
IN THIS LEAGUE AGAIN.
BESIDES, WHO'S COMIN'
TO YOUR DEFENSE?
YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A WASHED-UP,
COCKY EX-CON THAWASTED HIS LIFE.
AND YOU'RE GONNA CHALLENGE ME?
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!
THAT'S GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU HIT ME?
BUT MIGHT I REMIND YOU,
YOU ARE ON PAROLE.
YOU WANT HEADLINES?
"CHARLIE JONES HAS RELAPSE.
GETS TOO DAMN DRUNK TO COACH."
- NU?
- HE'S NOT IN HIS ROOM.
HE'S NOT IN THE LOBBY.
HE'S NOT IN THE COFFEE SHOP.
- WELL, WHERE IS HE?
- I DON'T KNOW!
( Honks horn )
COME ON, TIME'S TICKING. WHERE'S
YOUR BAGS? TONIGHT'S SHABBOS!
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL:
PARSONS SAID THAT HE WOULD
MOVE THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
- YES!
- ( cheering )
HEY, HEY,
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON!
THERE'S A CONDITION.
- A CONDITION?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT CONDITION?
PARSONS WON'T LET ME
COACH THE FINAL.
- WHAT?
- HE CAN'T DO THAT!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU CAN'T COACH?
CAN'T COACH. I'M
GONNA SIT THIS ONE OUT.
YOU GUYS PLAY.
I'll WATCH IT ON TV.
NO, NO! COACH, THAIS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.
COACH, YOU ARE THE ONLY
REASON THAT WE'RE HERE.
LISTEN, LISTEN.
I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE HERE.
ME AND PARSONS, WE GO WAY BACK.
HE WAS AN ASSISTANT G.M.
WHEN I WAS IN THE BIG LEAGUES.
ALL RIGHT?
AFTER MY FIRST D.U.I.,
MY CONTRACT CAME UP,
AND I WAS HOLDIN' OUFOR THE BIG BUCKS,
AND PARSONS DIDN'T THINK
I WAS WORTH IT.
SO I WENT TO THE PRESS
AND TRIED TO MAKE A STINK.
AND I GOT LUCKY,
'CAUSE PARSONS SHOHIS MOUTH OFF
AND CALLED MY AGENA "MONEY-GRUBBING JEW."
ON CAMERA.
SO PARSONS GOT FIRED.
AND HERE WE ARE.
CHARLIE,
DO YOU KNOW WHY WE WEAR TSITSIS?
IT'S A DAILY REMINDER
THAT WE ALWAYS
HAVE TO RAISE OUR PRINCIPLES
ABOVE OUR PASSIONS.
AND THAT'S WHY WE CANNOPLAY WITHOUT YOU.
COACH, WE CAME HERE TOGETHER.
AND WE'RE GONNA LEAVE
HERE TOGETHER.
AND THE ONLY WAY
WE'RE COMING BACK HERE
- IS TOGETHER.
- ABSOLUTELY.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, COACH,
IT'S BEEN A GREAT RIDE.
JUST GO GRAB YOUR THINGS
AND LET'S GO HOME.
- YOU SURE?
- YES.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, I'll LET HIM KNOW.
I'll GO GET MY STUFF.
WHAT? DON'T COACH?
WHAT DO YA MEAN?
PARSONS SAID THAT HE
WOULD CHANGE THE GAME
TO SUNDAY IF I DIDN'T COACH.
BUT THE YANKLES AREN'GOIN' FOR IT.
NO, NO, NO,
SCN CALLED LAST NIGHAND THEY SWITCHED
THE GAME TO SUNDAY.
WHY, THEY'RE MILKIN' THIS
THING FOR ALL IT'S WORTH.
THE FEED'S GOIN' NATIONAL,
COAST TO COAST.
THE YANKLES GOTTA PLAY
THAT GAME SUNDAY.
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
COME ON!
WELL, MORNING, MR. JONES.
MISS ST. JAMES.
SO NICE OF YOU
TO JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST.
IS THERE A PROBLEM, JONES?
YES, THERE IS A PROBLEM,
A BIG PROBLEM.
ZIP IT, WITHERS!
NO, I'M TIRED
OF YOUR SHENANIGANS.
SHUT UP, WITHERS!
FIRST YOU LIED TO SCN,
AND THEN I FIND YOU LIED
TO CHARLIE JONES.
HOW DARE YOU?
WE'RE HERE TO GIVE THESE KIDS
A CHANCE TO PLAY BASEBALL
AT THEIR OWN LEVEL,
AND I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU FLUSH
THAT DOWN THE TOILEWITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL SHIT!
THE YANKLES ARE GOING TO PLAY
FOR THE N.I.S.A. CHAMPIONSHIP
ON SUNDAY WITH CHARLIE JONES
PRESEN- AND COACHING!
- YEAH!
GENTLEMEN. RABBI. CHARLIE.
ON BEHALF OF THE N.I.S.A.,
I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE
FOR WHAT'S HAPPENED HERE.
YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN
PUT ON THE SPOT LIKE THIS.
BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THAWHEN THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS
FIND OUT ABOUT THIS, THERE
WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.
PARSONS, YOU PUTZ!
- YOU'RE SCHMUCKED!
- ALL RIGHT, RABBI.
YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND COACH
YOUR FINAL GAME, JONES.
I REALLY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.
MY MONEY'S ON GREENSBORO.
( Chanting in Yiddish )
GOOD SHABBOS, ELLIOT.
GOOD SHABBOS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, DAD?
I WANTED TO, UH,
CONGRATULATE YOU,
YOU KNOW, IN PERSON.
I'M IMPRESSED.
THOSE YESHIVA BOCHERS
CAN PLAY SOME REAL BALL.
SHOWS THEY HAVE A GOOD LEADER.
WELL, YOU CAN THANK CHARLIE.
HE'S OUR MANAGER.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, DADDY.
( Kisses )
LOOK AT HIM. MY SON,
THE YESHIVA BASEBALL PLAYER.
HOW ABOUT YOUR SON, THE RABBI?
MY SON, THE RABBI.
I THINK I CAN GET USED TO THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME YOUR ROOM?
( Crowd cheering )
TV announcer: Bottom
of the ninth, two outs.
Greensboro leading it 5-4.
They're one out away
from the championship.
The Yankles have the tying
run at third
and the potential
winning run at second.
A base hit could win
it for the Yankles.
Stadium announcer: Now
batting for the Yankles,
#18, Elliot Dubinsky.
Man: BASE HIT, ELLIOT!
Man #2: SHOW 'EM
WHAT YOU GOT, ELLIOT!
Man #3: COME ON, YANKLES!
Man #4: YOU CAN DO IT!
ELIYAHU, YOU'VE GOT IT. GREAT!
THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S
YOU, BABY! COME ON!
Charlie: ALL RIGHT, MALASA, WATCH
THE THROWBACK FROM THE CATCHER.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, GUYS.
ELLIOT, IT'S YOU, BABY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU.
MAKE HIM PITCH TO YOU.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
RANDY. RANDY.
Charlie: TESHOME, GIVE
ME A LEAD. THERE YOU GO.
GOOD EYE, ELLIOT. WAIT FOR
YOUR PITCH, WAIT FOR YOUR PITCH.
RANDY, KEEP ION THE SPOT, BABY.
KEEP IT ON THE SPOT.
WHAT THE HECK'S HE DOIN'?
TESHOME. MALASA.
COME ON, RIGHT HERE.
YEAH, YEAH! IN, IN, IN!
It's a deep shot down
the right field line.
It has a chance,
but it hooks foul.
- OH! WHOO!
- ( groans )
Charlie: IT'S ALL RIGHT,
ELLIOT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, FORGET ABOUT IT, ALL
RIGHT? JUST STAY FOCUSED.
IT'S ALL YOURS. LET'S GO.
COME ON, ELLIOT.
- ALL RIGHT, PAY ATTENTION.
- KEEP ON 'EM.
DON'T LET 'EM GET UP ON YOU NOW.
YOU'RE OUT!
( Cheering )
SO CLOSE!
ALL RIGHT, WAY TO GO, DAVIS!
Man: NICE!
ALL RIGHT!
YEAH, GIMME SOME! GIMME SOME!
GREENSBORO, GREENSBORO,
GREENSBORO!
( Sings in Yiddish )
WHAT'S THIS SONG?
IT MEANS
IT'S A GREAT COMMANDMENTO ALWAYS LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, EVEN NOW.
NO, NO, NO!
WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
( Cheering )
- CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
- HEY, GUYS, WE WON!
( Continuing singing )
HEY, HEY, HEY! ( Laughs )
GOOD HUSTLE DOWN
THE LINE, ELLIOT.
YOU ALMOST BEAT THAT THROW.
I SHOULD HAVE HOMERED
THAT FASTBALL.
I JUST DIDN'T GET AROUND
IT IN TIME, YOU KNOW?
ELLIOT, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR, HUH?
SLEDGE, I DIDN'T THINK
YOU COULD MAKE IT!
DON'T YOU HAVE A GAME TOMORROW?
AND MISS THE GREATEST CONTESIN SPORTS HISTORY? NO WAY!
- HEY, I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YA.
- OH, YEAH?
- I BROUGHT YA SOME GOOD LUCK.
- GOOD.
OH, MAN, DUDE.
THANK YOU, CHARLIE.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE IT.
GOOD.
AND I LOVE THE POEM, TOO.
WELL, I MEANT EVERY WORD OF IT.
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE,
DOVID BEN YAAKOV?
THERE'S SO MUCH I WANNA
SHARE WITH YOU, CHARLIE.
THERE'S SO MUCH I WANNA LEARN.
ELIEZER'S PITCHING!
ELIEZER'S PITCHING!
( Clamoring )
- HURRY!
- COME ON, TURN IT ON. TURN IT ON!
CHANNEL FOUR.
TV announcer: Here
comes Eliezer Ben Shmuel
to make his
minor league pitching debut.
He was studying
to be an Orthodox rabbi
before he came to the Yanks.
Looks like he's clean-shaven
for his pro-ball debut.
Oh, but he left his peyes.
Here's the windup and the pitch.
Fastball swung on
and missed. Strike one.
The first pitch
of his minor league career
and he throws a strike.
That's gotta feel good.
Shmuel was 10-3
for the Yankles last year.
A good-looking southpaw who
was coached by Charlie Jones.
Looks like he's on
the beam here today.
And the 0-1 pitch is swung on
and hit foul down
the right field line,
a foul ball.
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
WHEN I SEE YOU,
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
LOVE, YOU USED TO COOK WITH TENDER
LOVE AND CARE TENDER LOVE AND CARE
KIND OF LIKE THE WAY I FEEL
FOR YOU FEEL FOR YOU
YOU'RE THE SPICE
THAT BRIGHTENS UP MY LIFE
AND YOU'RE SWEETER THAN
THE FINEST KOSHER BREW
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
- ( vocalizing )
- WHEN I SEE YOU
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
I HAVE HAD LATKES
BY THE FIRESIDE
BY THE FIRESIDE
AND I'VE HAD BAGELS BY
THE SEA BAGELS BY THE SEA
I'VE SEEN THE BEAUTY
OF MENORAH LIGHT, DARLING
BUT YOU'RE THE SWEETEST THING
THAT'S EVER BEEN WITH ME
YOU ARE SWEETER THAN
KOSHER WINE - ( vocalizing )
WHEN I SEE YOU,
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
( whistling )
YOU ARE SWEETER THAN
KOSHER WINE - ( vocalizing )
WHEN I SEE YOU,
YOU'RE SIMPLY DIVINE
NOTHING CAN COMPARE
TO YOUR BEAUTY WHEN I STARE
YOU ARE SWEETER
THAN KOSHER WINE
SWEETER THAN KOSHER WINE
SWEETER THAN KOSHER WINE
SWEETER THAN KOSHER WINE.
( Whistling )
- ( Cheering )
- ALL RIGHT!
- YEAH!
- VERY NICE!
( Man singing in Yiddish )