The Zombie Wedding (2023) Movie Script
1
[haunting orchestra music]
[upbeat jazz music]
Shake your little body
Let your tail do the
Trotty and a vroom, vroom
-[crowd screaming]
-[glasses shatter]
Shake your little body
Let your tail do the trotty
Please, stop.
Zack, we gotta do
something, stop.
[flesh tears]
Elsa Wolf for Weekly World News,
this groundbreaking wedding
between a human and a zombie
was going smoothly
until the Morgan Family.
You're gonna make a story?
I can be your headline, baby.
[Elsa screams]
[Frank] Get up outta here.
[zombie screams]
Hey, don't mess
with me, Reverend.
Stay calm.
No one is in danger.
I told you all to
behave yourselves!
[can sprays]
[arm flops]
[Reverend] Lordy, I love
this weddingalingaling.
[church bell rings]
We're just gonna start?
-Yeah.
-Great, great.
[crew] Take one.
That boy found in a cave,
baby, Parks, Lake Michigan,
gluten killed the Dinosaurs,
Weekly World News broke these
and countless other stories
that the mainstream
media ignored,
but this, this story
captivated the entire nation,
the first ever
human-zombie wedding.
Oh, we scooped them all
with a story that was wild
and absolutely true.
It all began last September.
[comical band music]
We have to all come
together on this.
This is extremely
detailed, Ashley.
None of us have the three
months it's gonna take
to go through it all.
Well, I like to be
very thorough, mayor,
and there is a ton of potential
for economic development
here in Vineland.
Well, why don't you just
give us a brief summary?
I mean, come on.
I gotta get outta here.
I gotta get to
the costume party.
Yeah, and I wanna be
home before Christmas.
You know you're gonna
have to present this
to the town council next week.
What?
Oh, [chuckles nervously]
I can't.
I'm really bad at
public speaking,
and I hate being the
center of attention,
'cause I'll melt.
I'll crumble.
-I'll die.
-No, no, no, relax.
Don't worry about it.
Come to my office tomorrow.
We'll go over the
whole presentation
and have a sip of your coffee.
I have something I wanna say.
I love you. [group groans]
No.
-Not again.
-I do.
I-I will...
love you...
eternally.
Let it go, dumbass.
We went to the prom together.
No, she went with Dave Brady.
If you mess with
her one more time,
I'm gonna grind your
bones to dust, got it?
Got it, got it.
Ashley, oh, Ashley, Ashley.
[Ashley] Hi, hon.
Hey babe.
[Ashley] Drive, please.
How was work today?
-Can we go?
-Oh wait, Koko's there?
[Ashley] No, no.
Oh, ah, come on.
What's up, man?
You're looking cool
like a chicken.
We gotta go
ax-throwing sometime.
[guys chuckle]
Please, please, don't do it.
What are you?
Oh, okay, okay, back up.
-It's good seeing you all.
-Bye, yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Can we go?
Yeah, sure thing, honey.
-I'm making five figures now.
-Stop.
Hey, do you think
anybody's gonna recognize me?
It's me.
Yeah, if you don't talk.
[rhythmic R&B music]
Why do you talk to Koko?
You know what he's
been like to me and.
Oh, but he seems harmless.
I don't know.
I feel like you should
stand up for me.
Okay, yeah, I'll do that.
Oh, I got the Pensa
Trucking account.
I'm gonna come up with
the best billboard
for Pensa Tucking
they've ever seen.
I'm happy for you.
-What is that?
-[intimidating orchestra music]
Hey, Halloween's a
month away! [laughs]
I love this time of year.
You're supposed to
be the walking dead.
Get moving.
[zombie growls]
[Brick] The town mailman
got the virus first.
John Malley, patient zero.
[Ashley] I'm hungry.
Why'd you take me to a cemetery?
[Zack] I've been coming
here since I was a kid.
I wanted to show you.
[Ashley] You brought
me here before.
I need to get a chalupa, get
home, and get busy panicking
about reviewing my presentation
with the mayor tomorrow.
[Zack] Isn't it beautiful?
[metal creeks in the distance]
Did you hear that?
[eerie orchestra music]
[Reverend] Zack Porter,
Ashley Morgan.
Hey, Rev.
Ash, let's put our hearts in
each other's hands for life.
Yay, God!
Is this a joke?
Jesus don't joke in a cemetery,
unless it's a carpenter joke.
What's a carpenter's
favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails. [laughs]
Rev, life is passing us by, Ash.
I want you to be my always.
-So will you?
-[religious organ music]
I'm feeling the spirit.
Of course, I think so, yes?
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Are we doing this now?
I wanna elope, but I'm sure
I'm ready for this yet.
The world deserves
to see our love.
[Reverend] I now
pronounce you engaged.
Congratulations, my sweetheart!
You too, dear.
Are my parents here?
They should be.
I told them eight o'clock.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
It's seven.
Oh no. [chuckles]
My bad.
Well, they'll find
out soon enough.
Let's dance for the engagents.
[giggles]
[Nikki] Let's go, monkey boy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait up.
I thought I was going
to a costume party.
Oh, well, you believe all
the stupid crap I tell ya, huh?
There you go.
You look better that way.
[Mayor] Where we going?
[Nikki] Engagement party.
[Nikki] Come on, we're dancing.
Now hold mommy up.
[menacing jazz music]
My heels [indistinct]. Yeah.
[shouts]
[zombie growls]
[calm rock music]
Look at you. You got sandwiches.
Oh, it looks delicious,
and I have to tell you,
I just love what you've
done with your home.
I think it's gorgeous.
I have a gift.
Well, let's talk turkey.
I was the county sheriff for
over 25 years where we used
to live in Possumville,
Arkansas.
So I'm right at home
at taking charge.
So am I.
Oh, tough cookie, I like that,
but I'm the father.
So it's my duty to take
full responsibility
of my lovely daughter's wedding.
By the way, I want to tell you,
we are so very sorry about
the loss of your husband
in that zoo accident.
Thank you, Betty.
It feels like yesterday.
Sad.
But I have some very
important connections
here in Vineland.
I'm a proud member of the Elks
Club for the last 15 months,
and they have agreed to allow me
to use the Vamoose
Hall for the wedding.
Daddy, no.
No?
But I know it's not Taj Mahaly,
but it is pretty
dang comfortable.
That place smells like
whiskey, feet, and whore.
Ooh, you're hilarious.
It's got five beer
stations and a slop kitchen
and one of those big,
hunking, ceiling fans,
and we'll decorate it all up
all jiffy-loo with banners
and balloons and
streamers, the works.
Balloons, look, I'm in a
very fortunate situation here,
and I can substantially
contribute to this wedding
and make it
extraordinarily beautiful.
Well, that would
be very kind of you.
Negatory, I aims
to do what's right.
I'm the only man here in
these circumstantials.
Ergo, we are gonna
have the wedlock
at the Maple Avenue Elks Club,
and it is going to be the
biggest day in the histories
of my princess and your boy.
Buddy Bob, thank you,
but let me say this
as plainly as I can.
[awkward orchestra music]
My son is never, ever getting
married at the Elks Club.
Hmm, well, well, well.
Who wants to see our moat?
I'll see a moat.
Never seen a moat.
Sounds great.
It's better than being here.
[upbeat jazz music]
What kind of world
are we living in here?
The CZC claims that the
current zombie outbreak
was caused by bedbugs.
-Bedbugs?
-Governor Stevenson
-is sending the National Guard
-That's absurd.
-to secure surrenders.
-Bed bugs can't turn you
into a zombie.
Vineland could be in
lockdown in a matter of weeks.
[Frank] Is that your
professional opinion?
[anchor] If you ask me, viewers,
that's a total waste of time.
Okay, does anybody wanna
know what really happened,
-Contain zombies.
-anyone?
-Zombies do what zombies do.
-Of course.
So somehow, bedbugs
got into a fruit bowl,
which got eaten by some chickens
who got eaten by raccoon
who bit a mailman causing a
strange and contagious virus
that he transmitted to his
family at a quinceanera,
virus spread, mutated,
and voila, we got zombies.
And who the hell are you?
Wow.
-Run.
-Frank Lake, everyone.
Just got here.
Used to work for
the New York Times.
Nothing but liars and
scoundrels over there,
and I don't talk to interns.
Intern, okay.
What she is not mentioning
is that I'm a photographer,
and I've won two Emmy's, two,
and she and I used
to live together.
Don't throw your
resume in my face.
Pensa Trucking pulls it best?
Penza power pulls your load?
Thank you.
Whatever, it's my last day.
Penza power push.
-[worker screams]
-[glass shatters indoors]
-My leg, my leg!
-[zombie growls]
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] This viral
outbreak was so strange
that some in Vineland didn't
even notice what was happening.
[worker mumbles] No,
stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
-No, no, it's my last day.
-[zombie growls]
No, no, no, no, stop,
stop, stop, stop!
[comical pop music]
I'm a softy. [chuckles]
[zombies growl]
We're surrounded, run.
No, no, no. [screams]
Oh, that tickles. [screams]
This beddy bug virus is
taking a turn for the worst.
I got me some deep concerns.
I gotta keep you and your mama
in the house at all times,
the Buddy Bob Bunker.
We'll be fine, Daddy.
We don't have any bed bugs.
And we never will,
'cause I'm gonna kill
every last one of them.
I'm putting them all on notice.
Daddy, please let Mrs.
Porter honor her dead husband
for me.
You know I don't like
being second fiddle,
especially when it comes
to my darling daughter.
You are always my first fiddler.
You have given me so much,
and now you can give
me my dream wedding.
How can I say no to you?
As long as you promise
me you'll let me put
together our
father-daughter dance.
[Ashley] Oh, but you
don't dance, daddy.
I surely dang do.
[tropical bongo music]
Grab my hand and turn her
around and then we do a dip.
They're coming!
Help me! [zombie growls]
I'm not gonna be
able to dip you, daddy.
-That was my last day.
-We go around. [laughs]
Oh, I'm afraid my son
wouldn't be caught dead
in that hideous thing.
Well, you know something?
Quite frankly, you
don't have a say,
because my daughter
is the bride,
and the bride makes all
the fashion decisions.
I do believe I'm paying
for this whole thing, Betty.
[gargles] There you go again
throwing it back in my face.
You know something?
You can forget it.
We're just gonna do
this at the Elks Club
with the way Buddy Bob wants.
Oh yeah?
You do that and I'll have my
son call this whole thing off.
No, you wouldn't dare.
I would double dog dare.
My baby does whatever
I tell him, always.
You know something?
That's a little strange,
'cause it's a little
strange to raise mama's boy.
That hair dye
makes you look fat.
Ooh, I think that what
the kids would say,
you've just been shaded.
You know something?
You got no right.
You got no right, shorty, boom.
[comical orchestra music]
I'll see you later
at the Elks Club.
Ma'am, how much is this jacket?
[Cindy] Don't you
dare, Betty Rubble.
[Betty] What'd you
say, Stuart Little?
I can't hear you.
Do not ring her up!
[Betty] Get in your
boat and try to row to me.
[Cindy] Do not ring her up!
[Betty] You can try to get
on your leaf and row to me.
[Cindy] I swear to
God, if you ring her up!
[Betty] Float in on your norita!
[worrisome orchestra music]
I'm glad our parents
are talking now.
We should think
about our freedom,
our freedom to do what we
want instead of worrying about
what our parents want.
Well, I love my parents.
I do too.
I just think that maybe we can
move away for a little bit.
We can go somewhere
new and exciting,
like Peoria, Illinois.
Move?
No, I've never
been anywhere else,
and I've never
heard of that place.
We can go somewhere else
like Reno or Tulsa, St. Louis,
somewhere sexy and different.
We can open up our own
advertising agency.
Mom and daddy, I told
them that I would never move
more than five miles
away from them.
We're adults now, though.
We gotta spread our
wings a few years.
I love Vineland.
It's my home.
You gotta take risks sometimes.
I've never done that before,
and you've never
left Vineland either.
Now's the time.
[Kelly] I can't believe it's
only 21 days away. [giggles]
Here's to the shortest
engagement in history.
Sapabacka shots. [imitates horn]
My dad was thinking
getting an Arkansas jug band.
What do y'all think?
Oh, and I was thinking
maybe daphadils and lilies
and petunias from the--
My mom was thinking no
flowers for the wedding.
Flowers are for funerals.
It's your wedding.
You're supposed to
ignore your parents.
Remain calm.
No one's gonna harm you, and
you will not harm others.
[triumphant horn music]
[Brick] Cumberland County
brought in the legendary
Sue Wee
as chief zombie control
officer.
You don't have to shout.
I'm not shouting.
I'm giving orders.
Get your brain substitutes.
What? You don't make no sense.
CZC created brain
substitutes in the eighties
so zombies would stop
attacking citizens.
We got 'em all here in Vineland.
Oh, that does not
sound like a good thing.
Listen, honey, we've got 21 days
and our town shuts
down completely.
[groovy jazz music]
So Please go to City Hall,
get your free brain
substitute now!
They probably put tracking
devices in those substitutes.
It's simply a brain substitute.
If you wanna live amongst
humans, you gotta take it.
Otherwise, I'm gonna be forced
to put you into
zombie quarantine.
We're dead Americans,
and we got rights.
This is an emergency situation!
[group talk over each other]
Woo, woo
Everybody say woo, woo
-[zombies growl]
-[yells]
Remain calm!
Do not harm others.
You will be harmed.
[Zombie In White Dress]
You call that running?
-Please.
-Oh shit.
[Ashley] Our wedding
is gonna be perfect.
Don't even sing in the shower
or you'll scare your neighbors.
Instructions for y'all
are on pages 52A to 66B.
Hey, aren't you concerned
about the zombies?
Oh, they're not contagious.
Don't believe what people say.
No, those creepers destroyed
our comic book store,
not chill.
Yeah, I mean, I'd wait to
get married if I were you.
Let the virus disappear first.
True love waits for no
one, Kelly, you'll see.
All zombies need to die.
We got so many plans.
We're gonna be moving
to Toledo or Detroit.
-What?
-Wait,
you didn't tell me this.
We just decided, almost.
Detroit is a fabulous town
for artists.
You aren't artists, and
Detroit died in the seventies.
I'm losing my
relationship coach.
What about our hockey team, man?
You're our best mediocre goalie.
Relax, relax, everyone.
It's just gonna be
for like a little bit.
15 years max.
What?
Yo, yo, whoa, bro.
Isn't that something
that you would tell me?
Well, you know, Ashley and
I are an unbreakable love pod.
I want a pod.
We had to do what's best for us,
but a toast to everyone's
bright and shiny future, y'all.
I'm really gonna need
to have sex tonight.
Charity's closed, sorry.
[chaotic rock music]
-[group screams]
-[zombies growl]
-[can sprays]
-Run! [screams]
Oh, Zack, they got me!
Tell my story!
Ashley, I love you!
Zack!
[Zack screams]
He left me at a
UFO site in 2019.
He's always been about
himself and his Emmy's.
She was too busy
flirting with a rancher.
Your insecurity
feeds your imagination.
You licked beer
off of his mouth.
Enough!
Are you two hooking up?
It's a no-go at
Weekly World News.
I'd rather jump
into a wood chipper.
You two are the
only ones available.
So do it or you're fired.
Got it?
The Jersey Zombie
uprising, come on.
That can't be real.
The government says it is,
and we have to confirm it.
This is the world's
only reliable news.
Zombies are truth.
I'm an award-winning
investigative journalist.
I'm an award-winning
investigative journalist.
How long do I have to
be stuck with Frank?
Till you win a Pulitzer.
Hang on.
You'll need these.
[upbeat jazz music]
Frank.
Do whales really exist?
I'm not sure.
They don't.
This might not be a normal
apocalypse, sweetheart.
Zacky might not have
gone full zombie.
I just want my old Zack back.
Move on, princess.
He's zombie.
The Zack you knew, poof, goner.
We built our whole
future together.
We were gonna start
a company, renting RVs,
start having babies.
You were gonna have babies?
Yeah.
How many?
Billy, Bucky, Bubbly,
Bambi, Bunny, and Betty Jr.
Beautiful.
Oh, well, he's a
memory now, pumpkin.
He's the shell of a human.
I know it's a disappointing
turn of events,
but you go out there and you
find someone who's alive.
Somebody who can properly
breed with a Morgan.
-[zombie growls]
-[intense rock music]
-[yells]
-Daddy!
[vase shatters]
Oh my God.
Did I just kill Zack?
That's not Zack, sweetheart.
Zack is much taller
and this fella has
a nicer haircut.
He is a zombie, and I'm
not, and I'm so confused.
All I know is
I miss him bad, Mama.
I really wanted
to meet baby Betty.
[worrisome orchestra music]
Zackery Porter, I don't
care what you've become.
Your days are numbchucked.
[cat screams]
I need to see my groom.
Stay away, okay?
You can move to
Detroit on your own.
You can start a new life.
You have my permission.
We're gonna go there together.
Wake up, Ash-head!
He's not going to marry you!
I won't allow it, okay?
I'm gonna take care
of him from now on!
My Zack is dead to you!
Do you hear me?
-[zombie growls inside]
-Is that him?
Oh, hey, that little bitch.
[sad piano music]
Oh, Zack, my love.
I'm so sorry this
happened to you.
Don't love me anymore.
Protect yourself.
We can handle anything together.
Isn't that what
you always told me?
Except if I turn into a zombie.
I'm not totally perfect either.
You're damn right you're not.
Get out, you gold digger.
You were never good
enough for my Zack.
He's a superstar, and you're a--
you're a--
you're a--
a Morgan.
[gasps]
[growls]
Ashley, Ashley!
Stay right there.
You've changed so much
I don't know how to feel
or what to think.
I mean, just look at you.
I know you're afraid, and I
know this doesn't make sense.
I mean, I know I'm kind of dead.
You're all dead, and
my heart is breaking.
My feelings for
you haven't changed.
I just have these
uncontrollable urges.
I could never be
close to you ever again.
I would never hurt you.
You just bit your mom.
Because she insulted you!
I just want things to go
back to the way that they were.
It's all been ruined.
You're the greatest
thing that happened to me.
My life changed when I met you.
My dreams came true
when you said, yes.
All I want for whatever time
I have left is to be with you,
to keep you safe.
Is that crazy?
I'm just gonna be afraid
that you're gonna attack me,
eat my brains or my face.
I'm afraid you'll shoot
me and bash my brain in
with a baseball bat.
Marriage is scary like that.
We give ourselves, our whole
life, to the other person.
We trust them with it, but
nothing in life is guaranteed.
Sounds kind of dumb in
these circumstances, huh?
You could never
sound dumb to me.
What do we do now?
Are we rolling?
Okay, does this
virus really exist?
Do zombies exist?
Nothing makes sense
with this virus.
The people of
Vineland are confused
and don't know what to do.
A lot of people are
talking about those zombies,
but I haven't seen one.
They're a myth,
like the Jersey Devil.
Population control, that's what
this is all about, control.
I don't know about
these zombies,
but the zombie control officer
gave me some of this stuff,
and it's gonna put a
hurting on them suckers.
They're gonna close
Cumberland County in 10 days.
If I were you, I'd
get the hell out.
Save yourself.
This is Elsa Wolf
for Weekly World News.
Got it.
[Sue] Do not look
them in the eye.
You know, we really should
make a beeline out of Vineland.
-When you see them, shoot.
-We don't wanna get trapped
here forever.
And under all circumstances!
We need to interview them.
We got trouble, ready?
-Ready.
-Ready.
Come on, Frank!
[Frank] Right behind you!
Excuse me!
Damn, they're fast.
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] These zombies weren't
like any you've seen before.
Even my crack investigative
team became confused.
-It's sad.
-[zombies moan]
The locals shouldn't be
subjected to all this nonsense.
What?
It's true.
There are zombie crawling
all over this town.
Right, and I bet you think Elvis
is walking around here too.
I'm hungry.
Let's go get some of
those polish burritos.
[zombie growls]
[screams] Take him, take him.
I'm too pretty. Take him.
[chaotic rock music]
Go, go, go, go.
[Elsa] Get out of the
way, rip your head off.
[car engine starts]
I'm calling Brick.
I'm not dying in New Jersey.
No, you're not leaving here
until we get the full story.
-Okay, go, go, go.
-[zombie growls]
-[screams] Okay, okay, okay.
-[screams] Go, go.
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
I don't need two
Emmy's to tell me
that that's a scoop, Frank.
Now you stay there, and you
get the hell to the bottom
of whatever's going on.
Listen to me.
If you two come back without
all the cold, hard facts,
I'm gonna see to it
that you get sent out
to cover those
Kentucky cannibals
that are reading each
other's glizzies.
That's right, what?
Good.
-[eerie electronic music]
-[UFO beeps in the distance]
They came for me, for me.
We have been talking
about this for five months.
Look, look, look, I
appreciate everything you do.
You're really good at your job,
but we need to
tighten up the budget.
I got responsibilities.
You have been hiring
half your family,
and I know there's
room in the budget,
and you know I'm
your best worker so.
Yeah, right, all right.
Listen, why don't you just
talk to me about this a month
from now, and we'll
see what happens, okay?
Oh, oh, stay back.
-Get back.
You best stay back
before I knock you
all the way to Philly.
Come on, come on.
I trained Rocky.
-Come on.
-I'm sorry.
No, no, it's me, Zack.
Well, I don't care who you
are, you freaking zombie.
-Stay where you are.
-Yeah.
I just have a question.
Look, I am loyal to Ashley,
but I will not hesitate
using this thing.
That's right.
Don't mess with her.
Don't mess with me.
I heard there was a
cure or an antidote.
Is it true?
Well, you know, there's rumors,
but you know how the feds are.
You don't know
what the truth is.
Is it true?
How the hell would we know?
We work for Vineland,
not the CZC.
Right, right, right.
So why don't you just crawl
back to wherever you freaks come
from and hey, kid, give
Ashley a break, huh?
Let her go.
Get outta here.
You should have whacked him,
put him out of his misery.
You know what?
I'm gonna whack you if you
don't gimme that raise.
Oh!
Just saying, just saying.
Yeah, all right.
Say hello to your mother.
[Nikki] I will.
So that's kind of
definitely what I want.
Princess, go get
yourself some Mountain Dew.
That'll give you a
jolt of sense you need.
Thanks for understanding, daddy.
I'd rather stab
myself with a bull spear
than let you marry a zombiero.
This is not love, honey.
You've got a touch of the virus.
And you've got
your mother's heart.
And your cousin Chad's brain.
I'm gonna find you a nice
human like that boy, Koko.
I will defend my
daughter at all costs,
and our grand babies.
Baby Betty.
Zack cannot darken
our door no more.
I knew you would say that,
but I am 29 and three
quarters years old.
I have a great job
and okay friends,
and yes, I've always
wanted the perfect life,
but I want Zack too.
Sweetie, his whole body
is one ginormous, stinky,
puss-filled wart.
What kind of life is that?
How you ever gonna have babies?
He can't even, it is repulsive.
Not all zombies are alike, mama.
He still has his.
It is functioning perfectly.
[Buddy groans]
Where is your shotgun?
You harm one hair
on Zack's head,
and you will never see me again.
This is my wedding.
I will have my wedding
of my choosing.
Oh, this generation sure
likes to take dang traditions
and turn 'em upside down.
I will never attend
a zombie wedding.
Yes, mama, you will.
This is my wedding.
You will walk me down the aisle,
and we will dance our dance.
I know what's best for me.
This zombie virus is filling us
all up with dread.
I know it's gonna be hard,
but what marriage isn't?
She has got the love bug bad.
[chuckles] You remember
that, don't you, love bug?
Hush up.
I just bought you
a tongue scraper.
I will never attend a zombie
wedding, period, end of story.
I don't understand this one bit.
This fills me with perturbation,
but I'll honor my
princess's wishes,
and I'll cut my wedding
invite list to a hundred
and make sure this thing
goes off without a hitch.
Oh daddy, I love you.
I'll talk to your mother,
-Okay.
-and I'll get that Cindy
over here to discuss the plans.
Oh, that's not
gonna be possible,
Mother, don't worry.
I'll help you adjust.
If she didn't make
you sing karaoke,
none of this would've happened.
It's all her fault!
It'll be a beautiful
wedding, I promise.
You're going to speed
up the degradation.
I need brains.
Listen up, you flesh eaters,
you're not standing anywhere
near me at this wedding.
Got it?
Oh, please, we are
good zombies, all right?
Plus, we'll make you look
good in the photos. [chuckles]
I want to eat your brains!
I'm just kidding. [laughs]
Okay, all right, funny.
No offense, but you
guys are the ugliest,
grossest groomsman ever.
Ouch, listen,
listen, listen, listen.
We come in peace, okay?
We want to join you guys in
making this a very special day
for Zack and Ashley.
So we just hope that you
guys will behave yourselves.
You know what?
Does anybody else think the
world has gone completely mad?
[crowd] We do.
Thank you.
[upbeat jazz music]
Sounds good, man.
Oh man.
Food, food everywhere
and not a drop of it to eat.
-Oh, oh my God.
-Oh, oh, is that Chad?
Oh no.
-Oh, that's--
-Wow, that's rhythm,
-a rhythm.
-That's gonna hurt--
Yeah, for sure.
We should probably go get him.
Yeah.
[worrisome jazz music]
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] Confusion
turned into chaos.
There was even a
wedding conspiracy.
Family members were plotting
to put a kibosh on
the whole thing.
We need protection.
We were just attacked.
If you don't send security,
we're coming back tomorrow.
We've already been here a month.
[Brick] You've
been there two days.
Eight days.
[Brick] I will not
hesitate to replace you.
You can't fire me.
I'm doing my job.
[Brick] Bring
back that Pulitzer.
I'm not winning a
Pulitzer for a zombie story.
Undead corporeal revenants
are pretty popular nowadays.
[Brick] Be a journalist.
Okay, all right.
If a zombie gets one bite out
of me, I am suing your ass.
[Brick] Relax, you got Frank.
Frank protect me?
-He's useless.
-I just fixed your laptop.
[Brick] Stop whining.
I'll see what I can do.
Good, do that.
Check in on that.
Meanwhile, we'll stay put.
[Brick] Good and make
sure you cover that wedding.
Wedding, what wedding?
[upbeat orchestra music]
Frank, the father of the
bride is making a speech
at the first wedding between
a, get out of my way,
between a human and zombie.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Oh my goodness.
The stench is putrue.
[zombie farts]
-The story in this wedding.
-Hello, thank you.
- My beautiful Ashley,
-Excuse me, excuse me.
and she is the most
beautiful human being
in this whole, wide,
beautiful world.
-[zombie sniffs]
-Hey, hey, back off.
She's human, and she's gonna
stay human, dagnabbit. [laughs]
She's pretty too.
Now I want to assure you,
we have the best zombie
control team in America.
Thank you, Buddy Bob.
Straight from the CZC, the
Center for Zombie Control,
now here she is, Sue Wee.
We have fed the zombies
enough brain substitutes
to last for seven full hours.
So there'll be no biting.
There'll be no harm.
Now, even though
Zack is a zombie,
he's a heck of a lot better
than the deadbeats Ashley used
to bring around. [laughs]
[rhythmic electronic music]
I'm watching you.
Keep it coming, keep it coming.
So you're not going
to attack anyone?
No, no, no, I am
stuffed, all good.
I'm sorry.
Ashley Morgan, sweet girl,
just not sophisticated enough
for my Zacky.
Did I tell you that I paid
for this whole wedding?
Oh, well, I love
people who are in love,
especially men who love
that I love loving
the men who love me.
This is all wrong.
The whole thing
is just all wrong.
[Betty gargles]
This is Elsa Wolf
with Weekly World News.
All right, enough.
It'll be a miracle if they
can pull this thing off.
All right, you're
gonna form a single line,
and you're gonna take your seat.
No funny business.
Don't talk to the zombies.
Keep it moving.
I'm not going out there
with those monsters.
They've all been fed
the brain substitutes.
I told you guys,
never trust government-approved
zombie food.
Please, do this for me.
I'm having a panic attack.
[Sue] We are here
to have a good time.
-You will not eat the humans.
-[zombies groan]
We got our eyes on you.
Hey, girls.
-[Kelly screams]
-Hey.
Girl time, girl time. [chuckles]
Ashley, now this is not
the grigio talking, okay?
This is coming
from my cold heart.
I've been rough on you,
but he's my baby boy.
He's all I have.
Does that make sense?
Does that make sense?
I dunno. [laughs]
But honey, the only thing
that separates me from you
is the money, the
status, and the money.
Did I say money? [laughs]
Carla, Carla?
-Kelly.
-Who is that?
It's Kelly? Kelly,
you look
nervous, sweetheart.
You know what?
I have a hug with your name on.
-Here it comes.
-Oh no.
[Kelly cries]
Here it comes. Here it comes.
I gotta hug with Kelly's
name on it.
-[imitates train]
-It's fine, it's fine.
She's been fed, she's been fed.
-She's been fed.
-I get a hug.
Coming around at the pass.
Here I come, here I come.
Yuck, I hate these chocolate,
cinnamon, curry-flavored ones.
Can't they just make
plain dried brains
without adding all
the other junk?
Keep it organic, man.
That's all we get
for right now, Jimmy,
but my mom promises
that Zombie Control
is gonna get us a whole bunch
of other kinds afterwards.
Just wait.
So which one of
your guests is single?
-Hey, down, Boy.
-Daddy's feeling thirsty.
[groans] You guys are so lucky.
I miss little Jimmy.
Well, maybe a new
one's gonna grow in.
Maybe two.
Yeah, ha, ha ha.
Yeah, I already
got two right here.
Well, howdy, fellas.
It's quite a crowd out there.
[whistles] You boys
clean up real nice.
Hey, I told you you'd come
around to love all of us.
What changed?
You fellas ever hear of Prozac?
This stuff will turn your
emotions right round,
get you straight in
the brain. [laughs]
I aims to be the best father
of the bride this
country has ever seen.
Hey, you guys want to try some?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
[zombie moans] That's all right.
We don't do drugs.
Drugs, no sir.
This here is all
natural moody enhancers.
No takers?
Maybe later.
I guess we both got our
brain food, huh? [laughs]
Anyway, and I'm so glad that
you boys are on my bandwagon
to make this a magical event.
[zombie cracks, yells]
[Jimmy] Come on, pull
yourself together, bro.
[zombie cracks]
[religious organ music]
The zombies seem really mellow.
Stay focused.
Your only job is to protect
me from the rabid ones.
I stopped that alien from
abducting you in Arrowrock.
You were the only alien there.
[squeals]
Hello, gorgeous, are you
here for the bride or me?
[groans]
That woman is fire.
Shit, damn.
-Move, cow.
-Hey, listen, you,
don't you dare be bumping your
little zombie button to me.
I will whoop your
little bony ass.
Ooh, look, this is
me running. [laughs]
Well, let me tell you
something, miss funny Z,
and this is your last night
in this here town, girl,
because your little zombie ass
is gonna be run
outta here by me.
You can bet your taco on
that, your little dead taco.
Honey, since I've been dying,
my taco's never felt
more alive, woo. [laughs]
Baby girl, you are
not going home alone.
[toilet flushes]
I promise with all my
heart till death, do we wed.
-Ash, you--
-[gasps]
You're not supposed to
see me until the wedding.
-Sorry, sorry.
-Go,
and you smell like that
lavender mist my mama gave you.
Yeah, well, 'cause
it smells like you.
I just wanted to tell you
what we're about to do,
it's gonna be
really hard on you,
and most would say impossible.
Don't do this to me.
We're gonna have to
be on our best behavior
from now on, Ash.
We have gone over
this so many times.
Everywhere we go,
people are gonna stare.
They're gonna say, how
could she marry him?
How will they live together?
What if they're right?
What if this is crazy?
I have made up my mind,
and you know how
hard that is for me.
Do not make me second
guess myself again.
I just, I'd
understand if you wanted
to walk away right now.
You deserve a life of happiness.
You are my happiness.
Yes, this is not like anything
that I'd ever imagined,
not even close, but I can't
live life without you.
Now I can't lose you
before I've even had you.
You see what you did?
Now I gotta fix my face.
[zombies growl]
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] It was a
sleepy little town
until those damn bed
bugs got ahold of it.
The government was hell-bent
on locking the whole place
down.
[man screams]
[religious organ music]
Lord almighty,
high up on Mount Smokey
where the lion sleeps tonight
and the moon is a jumping,
we are gathered for
the union of two souls
in holy matrimonial,
holy polynomial,
holy we-are-not-alonial.
Yay Lord, can you hear
the bells ringing?
Ring tingling, ring
Tingling, ring tingling
[comical jazz music]
[screams]
-Yay God!
-[crowd cheers]
Today, during this
glorious apocalypse,
we are heres to
celebrates the wedding
of a first ever human
being and a zombie.
[tape stretches]
Lord, it's time to get
down to the busyness
of the busyness at hand.
Hit it, organ grinder.
[haunting organ music]
[shutters]
[zombies groan]
[upbeat jazz music]
[grunts]
Alrighty, my flockers, the
zombie apocalypto is upon us.
-[religious organ music]
-[zombies groan]
It is time.
It is time.
It is time...
to shine.
[Betty] Smells like
dead bovine in here.
You must be smelling
your upper lip.
Now shut your face
before I bite it.
I'm gonna slam
your pie hole closed.
Glory-glory, let's get high!
As the wilting rose rises
and the burning man falls,
make room...
for the groom.
[chatter]
-My baby Boy.
-He's disgusting.
-My baby boy.
-You the man, go, Zack.
You the man.
May gentle winds blow your
frontal lobes. [imitates wind]
What the hell?
Ashley and I want to thank
each and every one of you
for sharing our special day.
Some of you are humans
-Amen.
-Thank you, brother.
and some of you are zombies,
but only together can we make
this world a better place.
Yeah, because the world
as we know it is over.
Mother, may I have peace?
Yes, you may, and
I am the mother.
I am the mother.
[Brick]
You look like a mushroom.
You look like a mother heifer.
You look like a mother
from another brother.
Enough, are we
getting married or not?
This is a ceremony of love.
We've got last rights for
a chicken in a half hour.
So we gotta keep it
quick, all right.
This must be hell on
Earth, it really must.
It smells like it next to you.
[scoffs]
-[religious organ music]
-Humans, zombies,
you know, love knows
no race nor color.
Love knows no rich nor poor.
Love knows no living or dead.
Love knows nothing.
-Oh.
-Yeah, true.
Love is an idiot.
[everyone laughs]
Let us commend these two
beautiful bodies and souls
to the mercy of God.
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Ashley Morgan.
["Here Comes The Bride" plays]
Come on down!
-[engine whines]
-What is happening?
Please God, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, please, please.
No, no, no, come on, come on.
Hey, you okay over there?
My life's just over.
I'm gonna get fired,
and I just got hired,
because I'm supposed
to get these reports
to the mayor's office, but I
broke my mama's waffle maker
this morning, and my car
also broke down, obviously,
but I don't have
any money to fix it,
and also, I ate this
mushy banana this morning
that made my stomach
a little upset.
So yeah, I might as
well just like give up
and crawl in a hole.
Okay, well, I just spilled
all my blueberries in my lap.
So I think we're both
having a rough day.
I can get you where
you need to go.
Get in.
Really?
Yeah, we'll pick
your car up afterwards.
-[cheery orchestra music]
-Okay.
Shit, I'm good.
[horn blows]
I'm coming.
Just finding the handle.
I'm good.
Shit, shit, I'm good,
I'm good, I'm good.
Okay, oh my God,
this is amazing.
This is, we did it.
This is amazing.
Oh my God, you're amazing.
-[boxes clatter]
-Sorry.
Well, let's get
this to the mayor
so you don't crawl into a hole.
Okay, you got it?
Thank you.
Please don't do
this to your mama.
Please wait.
Betty, sit your butt down.
Back off.
If you want her to sit,
you need to give her a treat.
Anyone have a milk bone, anyone?
She's a B.
Thank you all for coming.
I'm bride.
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] The humans
were so numb from it all
that they were the ones
who looked brain dead.
Dearly departed, we will soon
confiscate these two beings.
[guest] Is he from Craigslist?
Our first reading will be, hey!
From the book of Zombolia.
[upbeat jazz music]
Don't be berating,
Don't be quaking
Don't be waiting,
You'll come undone
Dingaling adingdong,
Dingaling azingdong
Ding a little sing song
For the last time,
I am not dating an
unemployed dead artist.
Come into my
Graveyard, boo boom
Come into my
Graveyard, boom boom
Come into my
Graveyard, boom boom
Come into our
graveyard, boom boom
Come into our
Graveyard, boom boom
[worrisome orchestra music]
Acts Collection,
Dark Temptation, 2016.
I want reverend brain! [yells]
-[everyone screams]
-[haunting band music]
Sue Wee, more brain substitutes.
-[can sprays]
-Watch the spray, you idiot.
-Brain substitute!
-We need brain substitutes!
Just a bite, just a bite!
-Yes, yes.
-[zombies chew]
-[comical band music]
-Wow, that was divinity.
[blood spurts]
Just come shake it off.
We can shake it off.
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky,
and you won't go full
zombie, you know?
Not that there's
anything wrong with that.
Oh, God wouldn't
do me like that.
Shake it off.
-It gets better.
-Shake it off.
[Reverend] Shake
it off, shake it off.
The brain substitutes
aren't working.
What do we do?
We just need more of them.
Dealy bipartisans, we will
now crucify Zack and Ashley.
Come on, Reverend.
You gotta do the vows before
you do the crucifixion.
Right, I vow to
stop smoking weed.
It's starting to rot my brain.
[Guest 2] Yeah, no,
that's not happening.
Now the bribe and this shroom
will exchange their vows.
[rhythmic bass music]
-Ashley.
-Zack.
Whoops, I almost forgot.
If anyone objects, speak now
or forever be humiliated.
[groans]
-I object.
-[guests gasp]
It's a little too
late for that, Betty.
I will not let my
daughter marry that beast.
-[zombies growl]
-[cans spray]
All right this now!
Cocktail hour,
reception hall now!
Wait, we haven't
exchanged her vows yet.
Safety first, drink booze,
not brains!
My God.
[haunting pop music]
[zombies groan]
[screams]
These brain substitutes don't
seem to be working at all.
Have they even been
approved by the FDA?
The CZC recommended them.
Trust those people in
positions of power.
The Lord has given us
the gift of flexibility.
We shall marry them off
at the reception hall.
We play and God decides, brains.
I would also like to say
hi to my Aunt Gertrude.
And when are y'all
two gonna get hitched?
Seem like the perfect
couple for nuptualizing.
And that's it for this segment.
Thank you so much, Reverend.
Enjoy the wedding.
This is worse than I
could have ever imagined.
-[groans]
-[dramatic orchestra music]
Are you feeling okay?
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
No, stay back, stay back, chew.
Stay away.
[upbeat band music]
[zombie mumbles]
No comprendo.
You needs to learn some
right propers English.
All right, we got a
ten five earned situation
on our hands.
Put a call in to zombie swat.
They're on standby.
Keep your eyes glued for the
zombies and only the zombies.
Take care of yourselves.
Stay safe.
Go, go, joo, joo, jees louis.
[upbeat jazz music]
[guests applaud]
Wasn't that the most
splendonderous ceremony?
I do believe the preacher
knocked it out of the park.
[laughs]
Now we will get to the vows.
Don't y'all worry.
Yay God!
But first, we going to
raise a little holy heaven.
Put your hand together
for DJ Cricket.
[guests applaud]
Hello, hello, hello, all
you zombies and humans,
you bloody wankers,
DJ Cricket here.
We're gonna send out
some jam for you for this
Ashley-Zack extravaganzo.
[groovy jazz music]
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the
cricket, come on.
This is gonna be the wildest
reception you've ever seen
in the new world
order, but really,
I love bringing all
you freaks together.
Now let's get this jam started.
Here comes the wedding party.
[zombie cracks]
Now all you outrageous
humans and zombies,
here for the first time, maybe
the only time, [chuckles]
our still single
bride and groom,
Ashley Morgan and Zack Porter.
[guests gasps]
-["The Wedding March" plays]
-[guests applaud]
Our happy living-dead couple
will take the first trance.
[upbeat pop music]
Did I tell you I paid for this?
Paralyze
[guests applaud]
Everybody on the dance floor.
Let's go, you bloody wankers!
[growls]
I put my hands through fire
If it means to shield
You from the flames
I'll surrender to
Love when required
Always call my name
If I'm dreaming,
I never want to wake up
To a life without you,
Safe and in my world
Let's stomp, hot stuff.
I'm taken.
Paralyze
Paralyze
Bloody hell, that
was hot, hot, hot.
Weird, we have a couple of
amazing dancers out there
and a whole lot of God
awful ones. [spits]
All right, please
set your butts down
for the Reverend Crump.
Oh Lord of Zombaloony,
my gatherers, my reapers,
my luscious lambs of ivy, the
Apocalypse has finally come.
Hallelujah
Let us put our
forehead on the table.
Bless these foreheads.
Bless this cheese.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Stop right there.
Do you hear me?
-[can sprays]
-[screams]
I despise tax collectors!
I know where you work, fool.
Jacob, you're pathetic.
[upbeat pop music]
[guest 3] Are you on the menu?
-[food oozes]
-[guest gags]
[guest 4] Frontal lobe?
[guest 5] I'm still hungry,
[guest 6] Oh no, oh no.
[guest 7] More
brains, more brains.
[guest startles]
Right, right, settle down.
Settle down, everybody.
It's time for another
very special Transylvania.
The father of the bride
and Ashley have picked
a very special song.
-[upbeat country music]
-Come on, princess.
Let's show 'em what
the Morgans can do.
All good dance
For even a lot
There ain't no place,
No place to hide
Rounded by
'Round the spirit
No rhythm.
We got lots of
Eating inside
Just imagine
Make it happen
Come on, baby
This is how we do it
This is how we do it
And now joined by Buddy Bobs
very hormonal wife, Betty.
No more worries
Yikes, and they thought
this was a good idea? [laughs]
Sun is shining
Loud and away
No use in pretending
Everlasting joy in your eye
Minutes, hours, days, and
Weeks, romance and dancing
This is how we do it
This is how we do it
Right, let's heat the
family rumble going
with the groom and mommy groom.
[upbeat electronic music]
The moon casts shadows as
I wander through the night
It is not a stupid verse
We'll always be together
Losing you might be hard
but I know you must go on
Even though
It's good as gone
Our hearts will
Stay together
During as the
Stars will shine
In my heart
I hold your soul
Right, time to wake up the dead.
[zombies growl]
[Zombie] He looks like
he knows where he's going.
[best man] I know
that you're scared.
-You think?
-Well, we're scared too.
We don't know what we are,
-You're a zombie.
-who we are
or if there's an antidote
or a cure or not.
We don't even know if
we're gonna have a future.
Well, maybe that's what
it's all about, right?
Living for today.
Right.
Hi, I'm Ashley's
greatest friend.
I'm also single.
-Over here, Baby.
-[guest whistles]
You found a really great guy,
and he's dead and
a zombie and all,
but he is a sweetie.
Can't shoot a basketball to
save his damn life. [laughs]
Oh, but the best roommate
a guy could ever want.
I love you, air ball.
He brings you dead flowers,
and he always has breath mints
ready so you don't vomit,
and it's nice that
you can still have babies,
because he donated
his sperm to get money
to buy comic books.
Ooh, not our finest
family moment.
And your soon to be
better half, Ashley.
Come on here. Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Oh, your hands are so soft.
I hope you always
remain human, Ashley.
But I hope you don't
have real babies,
because that's too creepy,
and you're way too pretty
to have zombie babies,
-and it's just--
-Hey Missy,
I'm gonna be a grandmother.
She's gonna have a zombaby
even if it kills her.
-Make way, make way.
-[comical band music]
[Ashley screams]
-Ooh, I feel alive.
-[blood spurts]
Damn it.
Now I have to
protect you, Kelly.
Hold up.
I am not there yet.
Don't make me use this.
Folks, folks, some of yous
are catching this virus,
and it's your own dang fault.
Y'all gotta follow the rules.
All right, you
gotta keep separated.
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] Sue Wee was
struggling to keep control.
She ate a brain substitute,
and it really messed up
her stomach.
[upbeat pop music]
[growls] Come on
this way, zombeciles.
Attention, I think it's time
that I toast my
precious angel, Ashley.
I remember the first
time I laid eyes on her.
The nurse came out and told me
that my little, precious
angel had arrived,
my little bundle of joy.
Now sure I was a tad upset,
'cause she wasn't a boy
to carry on that
proud Morgan name,
but when I looked into
those honeysuckle eyes,
I fell in love. [chuckles]
I wept like a child,
'cause I had never seen someone
so beautiful in the world.
Now, when I first met Zack,
well, I didn't like him none.
He a bit too squishy for
my taste, too arty-farty.
Yeah, it's called
sophistication.
But the way Zack keeps himself
from eating Ashley's brains.
Well, you've grown on me, son.
So let's raise a glass to
my precious angel, Ashley,
and my new zombie-in-law, Zack.
Here, here.
Hey, y'all, it is
time for Betty Morgan
to bring some dignity
to this here event.
I'd take a bite out of you,
but my doctor said I should stay
away from junk food, shading.
Oh, would you please, seriously?
-[worrisome orchestra music]
-[zombies growl]
Do you know that
we're in danger?
Are you aware?
We gotta keep this going.
-Okay, y'all.
-[bites]
-[everyone screams]
-Mama!
Why me?
-[haunting electronic music]
-No, stop.
My very first
bite, logs of a duck.
-[upbeat jazz music]
-[arm crashes]
-[women screams]
-[glasses crashes]
Stop, Zack, we gotta
do something, stop!
[sign crashes]
[flesh tears]
Elsa Wolf for Weekly World News,
this groundbreaking
wedding between a human
and a zombie was going smoothly
until the Morgan family--
You look to break a story?
I can be your headline, baby.
[screams]
[Frank] Get outta here.
If you wanted to join,
all you had to do was ask.
[Frank] Run, Elsa, run!
[best man] You wanted flowers?
I can pay for dinner.
I told you all to
behave yourselves!
Oh, you wanna bite me?
[zombie yells]
Hey, hey, don't mess
with me, Reverend.
Lordy, I love this
wedding-aling-aling...
zombelujah.
Ash, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Stay right there.
I don't know how
I could ever think
that we could bring our friends
and families together like this.
This world isn't
made for true love.
It is getting filled
up with anger and hate.
The virus killed love.
You are dead wrong, Ash.
Nothing in life is perfect,
doubly so in death.
Nobody has ever dealt
with a plague like this
in the history of New Jersey.
Everyone in the history
of the world has gone
through some
difficult situation.
It's all a mystery, Ash.
I mean, I still don't
know why I'm walking,
why I'm talking,
why I'm dancing,
but what I do know for
sure is that I love you
with every ounce of my being.
How am I ever gonna
be able to trust you?
[comical band music]
What are you doing? [screams]
It's okay, it's okay.
We're safe now!
We're not gonna make
it out of here alive!
Yes, we are. I'm gonna make
sure of it.
What?
You left the car keys
in the camera bag inside!
Stay here.
I'm gonna go get them.
No, no, no, Frank, don't go.
Elsa, I...
Not another word.
Ash.
[Buddy Bob] Well,
there's the groom.
I lost Ashley.
Well, she's
probably just needing
some think thinking time.
No, I scared her off,
and I feel terrible about
what happened to your wife.
Oh, you couldn't have
known what would happen.
It was a distinct possibility.
Good point.
Look, I made a promise
to care for Betty
for her entire life,
death, and now undeath,
and I always honor my promises.
So go find Ashley and make
those vows to each other.
Be happy.
Buddy Bob's on your side.
Thank you, Mr. Morgan.
Dad.
Thank you, dad.
[both chuckle]
Now go find Ashley.
Go find your bride!
Koko Bailey, it
is my wedding day!
Ashley, he's a fraud.
The whole family, they're broke.
Cindy lost it all on
the alpaca business.
Let go of me.
No, no, no, the city has
a big lien on their house.
He can't take care of you.
-Help!
-No, no, no, no, no.
Listen to me, there'll
never be an antidote.
Mayor Fanucci told me.
He's going to be
a zombie forever.
Why are you being mean to me?
Because I can't
let you marry him.
I'll never lie to you.
I will love you
in truth forever.
-Get lost.
-[Koko grunts]
Ashley, face it, I'm the
best you'll ever be able
to get now, huh?
Koko Bailey, I would
rather be a zombie
than ever be with you.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
No, Ashley, Ashley!
Why are you not calling me back?
Get out of there!
They're about to
close the whole thing
down within the next hour!
What the heck is going on?
Oh, I forgot how
good we are together.
Pulitzer prize.
[both laugh]
Why didn't we work out?
-[zombies growl]
-[upbeat jazz music]
[Ashley] Zack!
Ashley!
I wanna marry you!
I wanna marry you.
I'll never change my
mind, never again.
I wanna move, start our
new life somewhere else.
Doesn't matter wheres,
long as it's with you.
[Koko] Stop!
Stay away from
my soon-to-be wife.
[laughs maniacally]
She'll never be your wife.
Just ask her crazy Mother.
You're not worth being a zombie.
Ash, I want our always
to be here in Vineland.
-[content orchestra music]
-Just do it, please.
Ash, no, I told you I'd
protect you, even from me.
Make me a zombie.
We'll be the same.
Then we can live together,
and we won't have to worry
about our differences.
I love you the way you are.
It's the best way.
Please just bite me.
No, the only way
we're gonna make it
is if we stay true to ourselves,
live each day as a
gift to each other.
You're even more handsome now.
Come on, we have some
business to finish.
[upbeat jazz music]
Let's cut the brain cake.
Brain cake, I want brain cake.
Brains, brains, y'all.
Don't break the brains, y'all.
-I'm hungry.
-Brains.
-I'm hungry for brain cake.
-Brains, y'all.
I'm hungry.
Whooya, nice of
you two to show up.
All right, you
undeadly revelers.
Brains.
Brains.
Good night.
[guests cheer]
-Brains, y'all, brains.
-I like you better, Betty.
Would you two stop making
this about yourselves?
Who invited the fun police?
This is our day.
Grow up.
-Right, y'all.
-I feel better.
Move, move, move, move, move!
Let's get to the vows!
Let's get to the vows!
[groovy electronic music]
We'll hold these off.
They're coming in.
Zwat's on its way.
Come on, you crazy ass zombies.
Give it your best shot.
I told you all that
my twinkle pie daughter
was gonna have the
wedding of her dreams,
and all of you monsters,
Zombies and humans alike,
are messing it all up!
[zombies groan]
I want some Buddy Bob brain.
Buddy Bob brains,
Buddy Bob brains!
Stay back.
I learned karate in high school.
I'll mess you up.
Reverend, stop right there.
I do not want to destroy
a man of the cloth.
Oh no, baby, God is on my side.
Amen to that, Rev.
Stop!
Everybody, please,
stop this now.
[sad orchestra music]
This is a very special day.
Why can't we all
behave ourselves?
Zack and I are in love, in love.
We have always been in love.
Yes, he is different now, but
he still has the same heart.
Well, he doesn't
have a heart exactly,
but you know, the
heart is not an organ.
The heart is love.
The world is changing.
Each and every one
of us are changing.
That doesn't mean we have
to lose our compassion,
our kindness for one another.
Zombies, being with Zack,
I know what it is you
go through every day.
I know that you need
brains to survive,
but I'm sure that
somewhere, deep down,
you remember what it's like
to be full human, don't you?
And to my fellow humans, we
have got to learn how to live
with people who do not
look or act like us.
I think we all need
to remember that.
Y'all need to learn
how to get along
with everybody on the planet.
We all just wanna be
understood, loved, right?
Look around, y'all.
Love is a zombie
wedding. [laughs]
Thank you.
Ash, I promise to
have and to hold you
from this day onward, to protect
you from any zombie attack,
to always wear air freshener
and to use mouthwash,
to love you unconditionally,
and to tear your head
off swiftly if you're
bitten by anyone but me,
and I promise to love
you until the sun dies.
Oh gosh, okay.
Zack, I promise to
have and to hold you
from this day forward.
I promise to always make sure
that you have a
belly full of brains.
I promise to turn the
TV all the way up,
'cause you are so deaf now.
Huh?
I promise to always keep
your leathery skin soft
and to never leave your side,
even if you fully decompose.
I promise to love you
until the sun dies.
Thank you.
With this ring, I thee dead.
[Ashley giggles]
With this ring, I thee wed.
You may now bite the bride.
[guests gasp]
Relax, Buddy Bob, just kidding.
You may now kiss the bride.
Thank you, Rev.
[guests applaud]
You go a little faster.
[militant drum music]
[car honks]
Yes, Frank and Elsa
made it out alive.
Then I sent them to cover alien
headhunters in the Amazon.
We haven't heard from
them since, but I'm
sure they're okay.
I was thrilled to accept
this Pulitzer on behalf
of the Weekly World News.
All of us at the Weekly
World News are basking
in our well-deserved glory.
Can you believe it?
Those two crazy kids
actually got hitched.
Now by the power
vested in my byline.
[crowd] Yay God!
May I present our beautiful,
crazy married couple,
Zack and Ashley Porter.
[crowd] Zombelujah!
-Until death do we party!
-Until death do we party!
[everyone cheers]
Yay God!
Freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Have you heard about
The new dance craze
Listen to us
I'm sure you'll be amazed
Big fun to be
Had by everyone
It's up to you
It surely can be done
Young and old are
Doing it, I'm told
Just one try and
You too will be sold
[Woman With Red Hair] Aw,
the wedding was yesterday.
What do you mean yesterday?
Good, I didn't want to go
to a zombie wedding anyway.
Zombies get married.
Let's go to dinner.
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
[calm R&B music]
I won't ever
Fucking leave you
When they try to make me
I will not believe them
It's 'cause I believe you
Stupid and naive
I love you 'cause you feed me
Tell me, do I see you
Never happened
I'd a shot them
All I ever said
Was you was problem
Never leaving you
On your lonesome
Never leaving you
On your ownsome
Do you ought to know
What true love is like
Someone who don't
Know how to love
Light up your soul,
Keep you cold at night
The one that
You're thinking of
Is all you need
With all you have
And the only one you want
Doesn't come home
So it gets cold at night
Someone who don't
Know how to love
Do you ought to know
What true love is like
Someone who don't
Know how to love
Light up your soul but
Keeps you cold at night
Someone that
You're thinking of
Is all you need,
Is all you need
And the only one you want
Doesn't come home,
So it's cold at night
Someone who don't
Know how to love
[haunting orchestra music]
[upbeat jazz music]
Shake your little body
Let your tail do the
Trotty and a vroom, vroom
-[crowd screaming]
-[glasses shatter]
Shake your little body
Let your tail do the trotty
Please, stop.
Zack, we gotta do
something, stop.
[flesh tears]
Elsa Wolf for Weekly World News,
this groundbreaking wedding
between a human and a zombie
was going smoothly
until the Morgan Family.
You're gonna make a story?
I can be your headline, baby.
[Elsa screams]
[Frank] Get up outta here.
[zombie screams]
Hey, don't mess
with me, Reverend.
Stay calm.
No one is in danger.
I told you all to
behave yourselves!
[can sprays]
[arm flops]
[Reverend] Lordy, I love
this weddingalingaling.
[church bell rings]
We're just gonna start?
-Yeah.
-Great, great.
[crew] Take one.
That boy found in a cave,
baby, Parks, Lake Michigan,
gluten killed the Dinosaurs,
Weekly World News broke these
and countless other stories
that the mainstream
media ignored,
but this, this story
captivated the entire nation,
the first ever
human-zombie wedding.
Oh, we scooped them all
with a story that was wild
and absolutely true.
It all began last September.
[comical band music]
We have to all come
together on this.
This is extremely
detailed, Ashley.
None of us have the three
months it's gonna take
to go through it all.
Well, I like to be
very thorough, mayor,
and there is a ton of potential
for economic development
here in Vineland.
Well, why don't you just
give us a brief summary?
I mean, come on.
I gotta get outta here.
I gotta get to
the costume party.
Yeah, and I wanna be
home before Christmas.
You know you're gonna
have to present this
to the town council next week.
What?
Oh, [chuckles nervously]
I can't.
I'm really bad at
public speaking,
and I hate being the
center of attention,
'cause I'll melt.
I'll crumble.
-I'll die.
-No, no, no, relax.
Don't worry about it.
Come to my office tomorrow.
We'll go over the
whole presentation
and have a sip of your coffee.
I have something I wanna say.
I love you. [group groans]
No.
-Not again.
-I do.
I-I will...
love you...
eternally.
Let it go, dumbass.
We went to the prom together.
No, she went with Dave Brady.
If you mess with
her one more time,
I'm gonna grind your
bones to dust, got it?
Got it, got it.
Ashley, oh, Ashley, Ashley.
[Ashley] Hi, hon.
Hey babe.
[Ashley] Drive, please.
How was work today?
-Can we go?
-Oh wait, Koko's there?
[Ashley] No, no.
Oh, ah, come on.
What's up, man?
You're looking cool
like a chicken.
We gotta go
ax-throwing sometime.
[guys chuckle]
Please, please, don't do it.
What are you?
Oh, okay, okay, back up.
-It's good seeing you all.
-Bye, yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Can we go?
Yeah, sure thing, honey.
-I'm making five figures now.
-Stop.
Hey, do you think
anybody's gonna recognize me?
It's me.
Yeah, if you don't talk.
[rhythmic R&B music]
Why do you talk to Koko?
You know what he's
been like to me and.
Oh, but he seems harmless.
I don't know.
I feel like you should
stand up for me.
Okay, yeah, I'll do that.
Oh, I got the Pensa
Trucking account.
I'm gonna come up with
the best billboard
for Pensa Tucking
they've ever seen.
I'm happy for you.
-What is that?
-[intimidating orchestra music]
Hey, Halloween's a
month away! [laughs]
I love this time of year.
You're supposed to
be the walking dead.
Get moving.
[zombie growls]
[Brick] The town mailman
got the virus first.
John Malley, patient zero.
[Ashley] I'm hungry.
Why'd you take me to a cemetery?
[Zack] I've been coming
here since I was a kid.
I wanted to show you.
[Ashley] You brought
me here before.
I need to get a chalupa, get
home, and get busy panicking
about reviewing my presentation
with the mayor tomorrow.
[Zack] Isn't it beautiful?
[metal creeks in the distance]
Did you hear that?
[eerie orchestra music]
[Reverend] Zack Porter,
Ashley Morgan.
Hey, Rev.
Ash, let's put our hearts in
each other's hands for life.
Yay, God!
Is this a joke?
Jesus don't joke in a cemetery,
unless it's a carpenter joke.
What's a carpenter's
favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails. [laughs]
Rev, life is passing us by, Ash.
I want you to be my always.
-So will you?
-[religious organ music]
I'm feeling the spirit.
Of course, I think so, yes?
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Are we doing this now?
I wanna elope, but I'm sure
I'm ready for this yet.
The world deserves
to see our love.
[Reverend] I now
pronounce you engaged.
Congratulations, my sweetheart!
You too, dear.
Are my parents here?
They should be.
I told them eight o'clock.
Hallelujah, hallelujah
It's seven.
Oh no. [chuckles]
My bad.
Well, they'll find
out soon enough.
Let's dance for the engagents.
[giggles]
[Nikki] Let's go, monkey boy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait up.
I thought I was going
to a costume party.
Oh, well, you believe all
the stupid crap I tell ya, huh?
There you go.
You look better that way.
[Mayor] Where we going?
[Nikki] Engagement party.
[Nikki] Come on, we're dancing.
Now hold mommy up.
[menacing jazz music]
My heels [indistinct]. Yeah.
[shouts]
[zombie growls]
[calm rock music]
Look at you. You got sandwiches.
Oh, it looks delicious,
and I have to tell you,
I just love what you've
done with your home.
I think it's gorgeous.
I have a gift.
Well, let's talk turkey.
I was the county sheriff for
over 25 years where we used
to live in Possumville,
Arkansas.
So I'm right at home
at taking charge.
So am I.
Oh, tough cookie, I like that,
but I'm the father.
So it's my duty to take
full responsibility
of my lovely daughter's wedding.
By the way, I want to tell you,
we are so very sorry about
the loss of your husband
in that zoo accident.
Thank you, Betty.
It feels like yesterday.
Sad.
But I have some very
important connections
here in Vineland.
I'm a proud member of the Elks
Club for the last 15 months,
and they have agreed to allow me
to use the Vamoose
Hall for the wedding.
Daddy, no.
No?
But I know it's not Taj Mahaly,
but it is pretty
dang comfortable.
That place smells like
whiskey, feet, and whore.
Ooh, you're hilarious.
It's got five beer
stations and a slop kitchen
and one of those big,
hunking, ceiling fans,
and we'll decorate it all up
all jiffy-loo with banners
and balloons and
streamers, the works.
Balloons, look, I'm in a
very fortunate situation here,
and I can substantially
contribute to this wedding
and make it
extraordinarily beautiful.
Well, that would
be very kind of you.
Negatory, I aims
to do what's right.
I'm the only man here in
these circumstantials.
Ergo, we are gonna
have the wedlock
at the Maple Avenue Elks Club,
and it is going to be the
biggest day in the histories
of my princess and your boy.
Buddy Bob, thank you,
but let me say this
as plainly as I can.
[awkward orchestra music]
My son is never, ever getting
married at the Elks Club.
Hmm, well, well, well.
Who wants to see our moat?
I'll see a moat.
Never seen a moat.
Sounds great.
It's better than being here.
[upbeat jazz music]
What kind of world
are we living in here?
The CZC claims that the
current zombie outbreak
was caused by bedbugs.
-Bedbugs?
-Governor Stevenson
-is sending the National Guard
-That's absurd.
-to secure surrenders.
-Bed bugs can't turn you
into a zombie.
Vineland could be in
lockdown in a matter of weeks.
[Frank] Is that your
professional opinion?
[anchor] If you ask me, viewers,
that's a total waste of time.
Okay, does anybody wanna
know what really happened,
-Contain zombies.
-anyone?
-Zombies do what zombies do.
-Of course.
So somehow, bedbugs
got into a fruit bowl,
which got eaten by some chickens
who got eaten by raccoon
who bit a mailman causing a
strange and contagious virus
that he transmitted to his
family at a quinceanera,
virus spread, mutated,
and voila, we got zombies.
And who the hell are you?
Wow.
-Run.
-Frank Lake, everyone.
Just got here.
Used to work for
the New York Times.
Nothing but liars and
scoundrels over there,
and I don't talk to interns.
Intern, okay.
What she is not mentioning
is that I'm a photographer,
and I've won two Emmy's, two,
and she and I used
to live together.
Don't throw your
resume in my face.
Pensa Trucking pulls it best?
Penza power pulls your load?
Thank you.
Whatever, it's my last day.
Penza power push.
-[worker screams]
-[glass shatters indoors]
-My leg, my leg!
-[zombie growls]
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] This viral
outbreak was so strange
that some in Vineland didn't
even notice what was happening.
[worker mumbles] No,
stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
-No, no, it's my last day.
-[zombie growls]
No, no, no, no, stop,
stop, stop, stop!
[comical pop music]
I'm a softy. [chuckles]
[zombies growl]
We're surrounded, run.
No, no, no. [screams]
Oh, that tickles. [screams]
This beddy bug virus is
taking a turn for the worst.
I got me some deep concerns.
I gotta keep you and your mama
in the house at all times,
the Buddy Bob Bunker.
We'll be fine, Daddy.
We don't have any bed bugs.
And we never will,
'cause I'm gonna kill
every last one of them.
I'm putting them all on notice.
Daddy, please let Mrs.
Porter honor her dead husband
for me.
You know I don't like
being second fiddle,
especially when it comes
to my darling daughter.
You are always my first fiddler.
You have given me so much,
and now you can give
me my dream wedding.
How can I say no to you?
As long as you promise
me you'll let me put
together our
father-daughter dance.
[Ashley] Oh, but you
don't dance, daddy.
I surely dang do.
[tropical bongo music]
Grab my hand and turn her
around and then we do a dip.
They're coming!
Help me! [zombie growls]
I'm not gonna be
able to dip you, daddy.
-That was my last day.
-We go around. [laughs]
Oh, I'm afraid my son
wouldn't be caught dead
in that hideous thing.
Well, you know something?
Quite frankly, you
don't have a say,
because my daughter
is the bride,
and the bride makes all
the fashion decisions.
I do believe I'm paying
for this whole thing, Betty.
[gargles] There you go again
throwing it back in my face.
You know something?
You can forget it.
We're just gonna do
this at the Elks Club
with the way Buddy Bob wants.
Oh yeah?
You do that and I'll have my
son call this whole thing off.
No, you wouldn't dare.
I would double dog dare.
My baby does whatever
I tell him, always.
You know something?
That's a little strange,
'cause it's a little
strange to raise mama's boy.
That hair dye
makes you look fat.
Ooh, I think that what
the kids would say,
you've just been shaded.
You know something?
You got no right.
You got no right, shorty, boom.
[comical orchestra music]
I'll see you later
at the Elks Club.
Ma'am, how much is this jacket?
[Cindy] Don't you
dare, Betty Rubble.
[Betty] What'd you
say, Stuart Little?
I can't hear you.
Do not ring her up!
[Betty] Get in your
boat and try to row to me.
[Cindy] Do not ring her up!
[Betty] You can try to get
on your leaf and row to me.
[Cindy] I swear to
God, if you ring her up!
[Betty] Float in on your norita!
[worrisome orchestra music]
I'm glad our parents
are talking now.
We should think
about our freedom,
our freedom to do what we
want instead of worrying about
what our parents want.
Well, I love my parents.
I do too.
I just think that maybe we can
move away for a little bit.
We can go somewhere
new and exciting,
like Peoria, Illinois.
Move?
No, I've never
been anywhere else,
and I've never
heard of that place.
We can go somewhere else
like Reno or Tulsa, St. Louis,
somewhere sexy and different.
We can open up our own
advertising agency.
Mom and daddy, I told
them that I would never move
more than five miles
away from them.
We're adults now, though.
We gotta spread our
wings a few years.
I love Vineland.
It's my home.
You gotta take risks sometimes.
I've never done that before,
and you've never
left Vineland either.
Now's the time.
[Kelly] I can't believe it's
only 21 days away. [giggles]
Here's to the shortest
engagement in history.
Sapabacka shots. [imitates horn]
My dad was thinking
getting an Arkansas jug band.
What do y'all think?
Oh, and I was thinking
maybe daphadils and lilies
and petunias from the--
My mom was thinking no
flowers for the wedding.
Flowers are for funerals.
It's your wedding.
You're supposed to
ignore your parents.
Remain calm.
No one's gonna harm you, and
you will not harm others.
[triumphant horn music]
[Brick] Cumberland County
brought in the legendary
Sue Wee
as chief zombie control
officer.
You don't have to shout.
I'm not shouting.
I'm giving orders.
Get your brain substitutes.
What? You don't make no sense.
CZC created brain
substitutes in the eighties
so zombies would stop
attacking citizens.
We got 'em all here in Vineland.
Oh, that does not
sound like a good thing.
Listen, honey, we've got 21 days
and our town shuts
down completely.
[groovy jazz music]
So Please go to City Hall,
get your free brain
substitute now!
They probably put tracking
devices in those substitutes.
It's simply a brain substitute.
If you wanna live amongst
humans, you gotta take it.
Otherwise, I'm gonna be forced
to put you into
zombie quarantine.
We're dead Americans,
and we got rights.
This is an emergency situation!
[group talk over each other]
Woo, woo
Everybody say woo, woo
-[zombies growl]
-[yells]
Remain calm!
Do not harm others.
You will be harmed.
[Zombie In White Dress]
You call that running?
-Please.
-Oh shit.
[Ashley] Our wedding
is gonna be perfect.
Don't even sing in the shower
or you'll scare your neighbors.
Instructions for y'all
are on pages 52A to 66B.
Hey, aren't you concerned
about the zombies?
Oh, they're not contagious.
Don't believe what people say.
No, those creepers destroyed
our comic book store,
not chill.
Yeah, I mean, I'd wait to
get married if I were you.
Let the virus disappear first.
True love waits for no
one, Kelly, you'll see.
All zombies need to die.
We got so many plans.
We're gonna be moving
to Toledo or Detroit.
-What?
-Wait,
you didn't tell me this.
We just decided, almost.
Detroit is a fabulous town
for artists.
You aren't artists, and
Detroit died in the seventies.
I'm losing my
relationship coach.
What about our hockey team, man?
You're our best mediocre goalie.
Relax, relax, everyone.
It's just gonna be
for like a little bit.
15 years max.
What?
Yo, yo, whoa, bro.
Isn't that something
that you would tell me?
Well, you know, Ashley and
I are an unbreakable love pod.
I want a pod.
We had to do what's best for us,
but a toast to everyone's
bright and shiny future, y'all.
I'm really gonna need
to have sex tonight.
Charity's closed, sorry.
[chaotic rock music]
-[group screams]
-[zombies growl]
-[can sprays]
-Run! [screams]
Oh, Zack, they got me!
Tell my story!
Ashley, I love you!
Zack!
[Zack screams]
He left me at a
UFO site in 2019.
He's always been about
himself and his Emmy's.
She was too busy
flirting with a rancher.
Your insecurity
feeds your imagination.
You licked beer
off of his mouth.
Enough!
Are you two hooking up?
It's a no-go at
Weekly World News.
I'd rather jump
into a wood chipper.
You two are the
only ones available.
So do it or you're fired.
Got it?
The Jersey Zombie
uprising, come on.
That can't be real.
The government says it is,
and we have to confirm it.
This is the world's
only reliable news.
Zombies are truth.
I'm an award-winning
investigative journalist.
I'm an award-winning
investigative journalist.
How long do I have to
be stuck with Frank?
Till you win a Pulitzer.
Hang on.
You'll need these.
[upbeat jazz music]
Frank.
Do whales really exist?
I'm not sure.
They don't.
This might not be a normal
apocalypse, sweetheart.
Zacky might not have
gone full zombie.
I just want my old Zack back.
Move on, princess.
He's zombie.
The Zack you knew, poof, goner.
We built our whole
future together.
We were gonna start
a company, renting RVs,
start having babies.
You were gonna have babies?
Yeah.
How many?
Billy, Bucky, Bubbly,
Bambi, Bunny, and Betty Jr.
Beautiful.
Oh, well, he's a
memory now, pumpkin.
He's the shell of a human.
I know it's a disappointing
turn of events,
but you go out there and you
find someone who's alive.
Somebody who can properly
breed with a Morgan.
-[zombie growls]
-[intense rock music]
-[yells]
-Daddy!
[vase shatters]
Oh my God.
Did I just kill Zack?
That's not Zack, sweetheart.
Zack is much taller
and this fella has
a nicer haircut.
He is a zombie, and I'm
not, and I'm so confused.
All I know is
I miss him bad, Mama.
I really wanted
to meet baby Betty.
[worrisome orchestra music]
Zackery Porter, I don't
care what you've become.
Your days are numbchucked.
[cat screams]
I need to see my groom.
Stay away, okay?
You can move to
Detroit on your own.
You can start a new life.
You have my permission.
We're gonna go there together.
Wake up, Ash-head!
He's not going to marry you!
I won't allow it, okay?
I'm gonna take care
of him from now on!
My Zack is dead to you!
Do you hear me?
-[zombie growls inside]
-Is that him?
Oh, hey, that little bitch.
[sad piano music]
Oh, Zack, my love.
I'm so sorry this
happened to you.
Don't love me anymore.
Protect yourself.
We can handle anything together.
Isn't that what
you always told me?
Except if I turn into a zombie.
I'm not totally perfect either.
You're damn right you're not.
Get out, you gold digger.
You were never good
enough for my Zack.
He's a superstar, and you're a--
you're a--
you're a--
a Morgan.
[gasps]
[growls]
Ashley, Ashley!
Stay right there.
You've changed so much
I don't know how to feel
or what to think.
I mean, just look at you.
I know you're afraid, and I
know this doesn't make sense.
I mean, I know I'm kind of dead.
You're all dead, and
my heart is breaking.
My feelings for
you haven't changed.
I just have these
uncontrollable urges.
I could never be
close to you ever again.
I would never hurt you.
You just bit your mom.
Because she insulted you!
I just want things to go
back to the way that they were.
It's all been ruined.
You're the greatest
thing that happened to me.
My life changed when I met you.
My dreams came true
when you said, yes.
All I want for whatever time
I have left is to be with you,
to keep you safe.
Is that crazy?
I'm just gonna be afraid
that you're gonna attack me,
eat my brains or my face.
I'm afraid you'll shoot
me and bash my brain in
with a baseball bat.
Marriage is scary like that.
We give ourselves, our whole
life, to the other person.
We trust them with it, but
nothing in life is guaranteed.
Sounds kind of dumb in
these circumstances, huh?
You could never
sound dumb to me.
What do we do now?
Are we rolling?
Okay, does this
virus really exist?
Do zombies exist?
Nothing makes sense
with this virus.
The people of
Vineland are confused
and don't know what to do.
A lot of people are
talking about those zombies,
but I haven't seen one.
They're a myth,
like the Jersey Devil.
Population control, that's what
this is all about, control.
I don't know about
these zombies,
but the zombie control officer
gave me some of this stuff,
and it's gonna put a
hurting on them suckers.
They're gonna close
Cumberland County in 10 days.
If I were you, I'd
get the hell out.
Save yourself.
This is Elsa Wolf
for Weekly World News.
Got it.
[Sue] Do not look
them in the eye.
You know, we really should
make a beeline out of Vineland.
-When you see them, shoot.
-We don't wanna get trapped
here forever.
And under all circumstances!
We need to interview them.
We got trouble, ready?
-Ready.
-Ready.
Come on, Frank!
[Frank] Right behind you!
Excuse me!
Damn, they're fast.
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] These zombies weren't
like any you've seen before.
Even my crack investigative
team became confused.
-It's sad.
-[zombies moan]
The locals shouldn't be
subjected to all this nonsense.
What?
It's true.
There are zombie crawling
all over this town.
Right, and I bet you think Elvis
is walking around here too.
I'm hungry.
Let's go get some of
those polish burritos.
[zombie growls]
[screams] Take him, take him.
I'm too pretty. Take him.
[chaotic rock music]
Go, go, go, go.
[Elsa] Get out of the
way, rip your head off.
[car engine starts]
I'm calling Brick.
I'm not dying in New Jersey.
No, you're not leaving here
until we get the full story.
-Okay, go, go, go.
-[zombie growls]
-[screams] Okay, okay, okay.
-[screams] Go, go.
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!
I don't need two
Emmy's to tell me
that that's a scoop, Frank.
Now you stay there, and you
get the hell to the bottom
of whatever's going on.
Listen to me.
If you two come back without
all the cold, hard facts,
I'm gonna see to it
that you get sent out
to cover those
Kentucky cannibals
that are reading each
other's glizzies.
That's right, what?
Good.
-[eerie electronic music]
-[UFO beeps in the distance]
They came for me, for me.
We have been talking
about this for five months.
Look, look, look, I
appreciate everything you do.
You're really good at your job,
but we need to
tighten up the budget.
I got responsibilities.
You have been hiring
half your family,
and I know there's
room in the budget,
and you know I'm
your best worker so.
Yeah, right, all right.
Listen, why don't you just
talk to me about this a month
from now, and we'll
see what happens, okay?
Oh, oh, stay back.
-Get back.
You best stay back
before I knock you
all the way to Philly.
Come on, come on.
I trained Rocky.
-Come on.
-I'm sorry.
No, no, it's me, Zack.
Well, I don't care who you
are, you freaking zombie.
-Stay where you are.
-Yeah.
I just have a question.
Look, I am loyal to Ashley,
but I will not hesitate
using this thing.
That's right.
Don't mess with her.
Don't mess with me.
I heard there was a
cure or an antidote.
Is it true?
Well, you know, there's rumors,
but you know how the feds are.
You don't know
what the truth is.
Is it true?
How the hell would we know?
We work for Vineland,
not the CZC.
Right, right, right.
So why don't you just crawl
back to wherever you freaks come
from and hey, kid, give
Ashley a break, huh?
Let her go.
Get outta here.
You should have whacked him,
put him out of his misery.
You know what?
I'm gonna whack you if you
don't gimme that raise.
Oh!
Just saying, just saying.
Yeah, all right.
Say hello to your mother.
[Nikki] I will.
So that's kind of
definitely what I want.
Princess, go get
yourself some Mountain Dew.
That'll give you a
jolt of sense you need.
Thanks for understanding, daddy.
I'd rather stab
myself with a bull spear
than let you marry a zombiero.
This is not love, honey.
You've got a touch of the virus.
And you've got
your mother's heart.
And your cousin Chad's brain.
I'm gonna find you a nice
human like that boy, Koko.
I will defend my
daughter at all costs,
and our grand babies.
Baby Betty.
Zack cannot darken
our door no more.
I knew you would say that,
but I am 29 and three
quarters years old.
I have a great job
and okay friends,
and yes, I've always
wanted the perfect life,
but I want Zack too.
Sweetie, his whole body
is one ginormous, stinky,
puss-filled wart.
What kind of life is that?
How you ever gonna have babies?
He can't even, it is repulsive.
Not all zombies are alike, mama.
He still has his.
It is functioning perfectly.
[Buddy groans]
Where is your shotgun?
You harm one hair
on Zack's head,
and you will never see me again.
This is my wedding.
I will have my wedding
of my choosing.
Oh, this generation sure
likes to take dang traditions
and turn 'em upside down.
I will never attend
a zombie wedding.
Yes, mama, you will.
This is my wedding.
You will walk me down the aisle,
and we will dance our dance.
I know what's best for me.
This zombie virus is filling us
all up with dread.
I know it's gonna be hard,
but what marriage isn't?
She has got the love bug bad.
[chuckles] You remember
that, don't you, love bug?
Hush up.
I just bought you
a tongue scraper.
I will never attend a zombie
wedding, period, end of story.
I don't understand this one bit.
This fills me with perturbation,
but I'll honor my
princess's wishes,
and I'll cut my wedding
invite list to a hundred
and make sure this thing
goes off without a hitch.
Oh daddy, I love you.
I'll talk to your mother,
-Okay.
-and I'll get that Cindy
over here to discuss the plans.
Oh, that's not
gonna be possible,
Mother, don't worry.
I'll help you adjust.
If she didn't make
you sing karaoke,
none of this would've happened.
It's all her fault!
It'll be a beautiful
wedding, I promise.
You're going to speed
up the degradation.
I need brains.
Listen up, you flesh eaters,
you're not standing anywhere
near me at this wedding.
Got it?
Oh, please, we are
good zombies, all right?
Plus, we'll make you look
good in the photos. [chuckles]
I want to eat your brains!
I'm just kidding. [laughs]
Okay, all right, funny.
No offense, but you
guys are the ugliest,
grossest groomsman ever.
Ouch, listen,
listen, listen, listen.
We come in peace, okay?
We want to join you guys in
making this a very special day
for Zack and Ashley.
So we just hope that you
guys will behave yourselves.
You know what?
Does anybody else think the
world has gone completely mad?
[crowd] We do.
Thank you.
[upbeat jazz music]
Sounds good, man.
Oh man.
Food, food everywhere
and not a drop of it to eat.
-Oh, oh my God.
-Oh, oh, is that Chad?
Oh no.
-Oh, that's--
-Wow, that's rhythm,
-a rhythm.
-That's gonna hurt--
Yeah, for sure.
We should probably go get him.
Yeah.
[worrisome jazz music]
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] Confusion
turned into chaos.
There was even a
wedding conspiracy.
Family members were plotting
to put a kibosh on
the whole thing.
We need protection.
We were just attacked.
If you don't send security,
we're coming back tomorrow.
We've already been here a month.
[Brick] You've
been there two days.
Eight days.
[Brick] I will not
hesitate to replace you.
You can't fire me.
I'm doing my job.
[Brick] Bring
back that Pulitzer.
I'm not winning a
Pulitzer for a zombie story.
Undead corporeal revenants
are pretty popular nowadays.
[Brick] Be a journalist.
Okay, all right.
If a zombie gets one bite out
of me, I am suing your ass.
[Brick] Relax, you got Frank.
Frank protect me?
-He's useless.
-I just fixed your laptop.
[Brick] Stop whining.
I'll see what I can do.
Good, do that.
Check in on that.
Meanwhile, we'll stay put.
[Brick] Good and make
sure you cover that wedding.
Wedding, what wedding?
[upbeat orchestra music]
Frank, the father of the
bride is making a speech
at the first wedding between
a, get out of my way,
between a human and zombie.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Oh my goodness.
The stench is putrue.
[zombie farts]
-The story in this wedding.
-Hello, thank you.
- My beautiful Ashley,
-Excuse me, excuse me.
and she is the most
beautiful human being
in this whole, wide,
beautiful world.
-[zombie sniffs]
-Hey, hey, back off.
She's human, and she's gonna
stay human, dagnabbit. [laughs]
She's pretty too.
Now I want to assure you,
we have the best zombie
control team in America.
Thank you, Buddy Bob.
Straight from the CZC, the
Center for Zombie Control,
now here she is, Sue Wee.
We have fed the zombies
enough brain substitutes
to last for seven full hours.
So there'll be no biting.
There'll be no harm.
Now, even though
Zack is a zombie,
he's a heck of a lot better
than the deadbeats Ashley used
to bring around. [laughs]
[rhythmic electronic music]
I'm watching you.
Keep it coming, keep it coming.
So you're not going
to attack anyone?
No, no, no, I am
stuffed, all good.
I'm sorry.
Ashley Morgan, sweet girl,
just not sophisticated enough
for my Zacky.
Did I tell you that I paid
for this whole wedding?
Oh, well, I love
people who are in love,
especially men who love
that I love loving
the men who love me.
This is all wrong.
The whole thing
is just all wrong.
[Betty gargles]
This is Elsa Wolf
with Weekly World News.
All right, enough.
It'll be a miracle if they
can pull this thing off.
All right, you're
gonna form a single line,
and you're gonna take your seat.
No funny business.
Don't talk to the zombies.
Keep it moving.
I'm not going out there
with those monsters.
They've all been fed
the brain substitutes.
I told you guys,
never trust government-approved
zombie food.
Please, do this for me.
I'm having a panic attack.
[Sue] We are here
to have a good time.
-You will not eat the humans.
-[zombies groan]
We got our eyes on you.
Hey, girls.
-[Kelly screams]
-Hey.
Girl time, girl time. [chuckles]
Ashley, now this is not
the grigio talking, okay?
This is coming
from my cold heart.
I've been rough on you,
but he's my baby boy.
He's all I have.
Does that make sense?
Does that make sense?
I dunno. [laughs]
But honey, the only thing
that separates me from you
is the money, the
status, and the money.
Did I say money? [laughs]
Carla, Carla?
-Kelly.
-Who is that?
It's Kelly? Kelly,
you look
nervous, sweetheart.
You know what?
I have a hug with your name on.
-Here it comes.
-Oh no.
[Kelly cries]
Here it comes. Here it comes.
I gotta hug with Kelly's
name on it.
-[imitates train]
-It's fine, it's fine.
She's been fed, she's been fed.
-She's been fed.
-I get a hug.
Coming around at the pass.
Here I come, here I come.
Yuck, I hate these chocolate,
cinnamon, curry-flavored ones.
Can't they just make
plain dried brains
without adding all
the other junk?
Keep it organic, man.
That's all we get
for right now, Jimmy,
but my mom promises
that Zombie Control
is gonna get us a whole bunch
of other kinds afterwards.
Just wait.
So which one of
your guests is single?
-Hey, down, Boy.
-Daddy's feeling thirsty.
[groans] You guys are so lucky.
I miss little Jimmy.
Well, maybe a new
one's gonna grow in.
Maybe two.
Yeah, ha, ha ha.
Yeah, I already
got two right here.
Well, howdy, fellas.
It's quite a crowd out there.
[whistles] You boys
clean up real nice.
Hey, I told you you'd come
around to love all of us.
What changed?
You fellas ever hear of Prozac?
This stuff will turn your
emotions right round,
get you straight in
the brain. [laughs]
I aims to be the best father
of the bride this
country has ever seen.
Hey, you guys want to try some?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
[zombie moans] That's all right.
We don't do drugs.
Drugs, no sir.
This here is all
natural moody enhancers.
No takers?
Maybe later.
I guess we both got our
brain food, huh? [laughs]
Anyway, and I'm so glad that
you boys are on my bandwagon
to make this a magical event.
[zombie cracks, yells]
[Jimmy] Come on, pull
yourself together, bro.
[zombie cracks]
[religious organ music]
The zombies seem really mellow.
Stay focused.
Your only job is to protect
me from the rabid ones.
I stopped that alien from
abducting you in Arrowrock.
You were the only alien there.
[squeals]
Hello, gorgeous, are you
here for the bride or me?
[groans]
That woman is fire.
Shit, damn.
-Move, cow.
-Hey, listen, you,
don't you dare be bumping your
little zombie button to me.
I will whoop your
little bony ass.
Ooh, look, this is
me running. [laughs]
Well, let me tell you
something, miss funny Z,
and this is your last night
in this here town, girl,
because your little zombie ass
is gonna be run
outta here by me.
You can bet your taco on
that, your little dead taco.
Honey, since I've been dying,
my taco's never felt
more alive, woo. [laughs]
Baby girl, you are
not going home alone.
[toilet flushes]
I promise with all my
heart till death, do we wed.
-Ash, you--
-[gasps]
You're not supposed to
see me until the wedding.
-Sorry, sorry.
-Go,
and you smell like that
lavender mist my mama gave you.
Yeah, well, 'cause
it smells like you.
I just wanted to tell you
what we're about to do,
it's gonna be
really hard on you,
and most would say impossible.
Don't do this to me.
We're gonna have to
be on our best behavior
from now on, Ash.
We have gone over
this so many times.
Everywhere we go,
people are gonna stare.
They're gonna say, how
could she marry him?
How will they live together?
What if they're right?
What if this is crazy?
I have made up my mind,
and you know how
hard that is for me.
Do not make me second
guess myself again.
I just, I'd
understand if you wanted
to walk away right now.
You deserve a life of happiness.
You are my happiness.
Yes, this is not like anything
that I'd ever imagined,
not even close, but I can't
live life without you.
Now I can't lose you
before I've even had you.
You see what you did?
Now I gotta fix my face.
[zombies growl]
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] It was a
sleepy little town
until those damn bed
bugs got ahold of it.
The government was hell-bent
on locking the whole place
down.
[man screams]
[religious organ music]
Lord almighty,
high up on Mount Smokey
where the lion sleeps tonight
and the moon is a jumping,
we are gathered for
the union of two souls
in holy matrimonial,
holy polynomial,
holy we-are-not-alonial.
Yay Lord, can you hear
the bells ringing?
Ring tingling, ring
Tingling, ring tingling
[comical jazz music]
[screams]
-Yay God!
-[crowd cheers]
Today, during this
glorious apocalypse,
we are heres to
celebrates the wedding
of a first ever human
being and a zombie.
[tape stretches]
Lord, it's time to get
down to the busyness
of the busyness at hand.
Hit it, organ grinder.
[haunting organ music]
[shutters]
[zombies groan]
[upbeat jazz music]
[grunts]
Alrighty, my flockers, the
zombie apocalypto is upon us.
-[religious organ music]
-[zombies groan]
It is time.
It is time.
It is time...
to shine.
[Betty] Smells like
dead bovine in here.
You must be smelling
your upper lip.
Now shut your face
before I bite it.
I'm gonna slam
your pie hole closed.
Glory-glory, let's get high!
As the wilting rose rises
and the burning man falls,
make room...
for the groom.
[chatter]
-My baby Boy.
-He's disgusting.
-My baby boy.
-You the man, go, Zack.
You the man.
May gentle winds blow your
frontal lobes. [imitates wind]
What the hell?
Ashley and I want to thank
each and every one of you
for sharing our special day.
Some of you are humans
-Amen.
-Thank you, brother.
and some of you are zombies,
but only together can we make
this world a better place.
Yeah, because the world
as we know it is over.
Mother, may I have peace?
Yes, you may, and
I am the mother.
I am the mother.
[Brick]
You look like a mushroom.
You look like a mother heifer.
You look like a mother
from another brother.
Enough, are we
getting married or not?
This is a ceremony of love.
We've got last rights for
a chicken in a half hour.
So we gotta keep it
quick, all right.
This must be hell on
Earth, it really must.
It smells like it next to you.
[scoffs]
-[religious organ music]
-Humans, zombies,
you know, love knows
no race nor color.
Love knows no rich nor poor.
Love knows no living or dead.
Love knows nothing.
-Oh.
-Yeah, true.
Love is an idiot.
[everyone laughs]
Let us commend these two
beautiful bodies and souls
to the mercy of God.
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Ashley Morgan.
["Here Comes The Bride" plays]
Come on down!
-[engine whines]
-What is happening?
Please God, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, please, please.
No, no, no, come on, come on.
Hey, you okay over there?
My life's just over.
I'm gonna get fired,
and I just got hired,
because I'm supposed
to get these reports
to the mayor's office, but I
broke my mama's waffle maker
this morning, and my car
also broke down, obviously,
but I don't have
any money to fix it,
and also, I ate this
mushy banana this morning
that made my stomach
a little upset.
So yeah, I might as
well just like give up
and crawl in a hole.
Okay, well, I just spilled
all my blueberries in my lap.
So I think we're both
having a rough day.
I can get you where
you need to go.
Get in.
Really?
Yeah, we'll pick
your car up afterwards.
-[cheery orchestra music]
-Okay.
Shit, I'm good.
[horn blows]
I'm coming.
Just finding the handle.
I'm good.
Shit, shit, I'm good,
I'm good, I'm good.
Okay, oh my God,
this is amazing.
This is, we did it.
This is amazing.
Oh my God, you're amazing.
-[boxes clatter]
-Sorry.
Well, let's get
this to the mayor
so you don't crawl into a hole.
Okay, you got it?
Thank you.
Please don't do
this to your mama.
Please wait.
Betty, sit your butt down.
Back off.
If you want her to sit,
you need to give her a treat.
Anyone have a milk bone, anyone?
She's a B.
Thank you all for coming.
I'm bride.
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] The humans
were so numb from it all
that they were the ones
who looked brain dead.
Dearly departed, we will soon
confiscate these two beings.
[guest] Is he from Craigslist?
Our first reading will be, hey!
From the book of Zombolia.
[upbeat jazz music]
Don't be berating,
Don't be quaking
Don't be waiting,
You'll come undone
Dingaling adingdong,
Dingaling azingdong
Ding a little sing song
For the last time,
I am not dating an
unemployed dead artist.
Come into my
Graveyard, boo boom
Come into my
Graveyard, boom boom
Come into my
Graveyard, boom boom
Come into our
graveyard, boom boom
Come into our
Graveyard, boom boom
[worrisome orchestra music]
Acts Collection,
Dark Temptation, 2016.
I want reverend brain! [yells]
-[everyone screams]
-[haunting band music]
Sue Wee, more brain substitutes.
-[can sprays]
-Watch the spray, you idiot.
-Brain substitute!
-We need brain substitutes!
Just a bite, just a bite!
-Yes, yes.
-[zombies chew]
-[comical band music]
-Wow, that was divinity.
[blood spurts]
Just come shake it off.
We can shake it off.
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky,
and you won't go full
zombie, you know?
Not that there's
anything wrong with that.
Oh, God wouldn't
do me like that.
Shake it off.
-It gets better.
-Shake it off.
[Reverend] Shake
it off, shake it off.
The brain substitutes
aren't working.
What do we do?
We just need more of them.
Dealy bipartisans, we will
now crucify Zack and Ashley.
Come on, Reverend.
You gotta do the vows before
you do the crucifixion.
Right, I vow to
stop smoking weed.
It's starting to rot my brain.
[Guest 2] Yeah, no,
that's not happening.
Now the bribe and this shroom
will exchange their vows.
[rhythmic bass music]
-Ashley.
-Zack.
Whoops, I almost forgot.
If anyone objects, speak now
or forever be humiliated.
[groans]
-I object.
-[guests gasp]
It's a little too
late for that, Betty.
I will not let my
daughter marry that beast.
-[zombies growl]
-[cans spray]
All right this now!
Cocktail hour,
reception hall now!
Wait, we haven't
exchanged her vows yet.
Safety first, drink booze,
not brains!
My God.
[haunting pop music]
[zombies groan]
[screams]
These brain substitutes don't
seem to be working at all.
Have they even been
approved by the FDA?
The CZC recommended them.
Trust those people in
positions of power.
The Lord has given us
the gift of flexibility.
We shall marry them off
at the reception hall.
We play and God decides, brains.
I would also like to say
hi to my Aunt Gertrude.
And when are y'all
two gonna get hitched?
Seem like the perfect
couple for nuptualizing.
And that's it for this segment.
Thank you so much, Reverend.
Enjoy the wedding.
This is worse than I
could have ever imagined.
-[groans]
-[dramatic orchestra music]
Are you feeling okay?
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
No, stay back, stay back, chew.
Stay away.
[upbeat band music]
[zombie mumbles]
No comprendo.
You needs to learn some
right propers English.
All right, we got a
ten five earned situation
on our hands.
Put a call in to zombie swat.
They're on standby.
Keep your eyes glued for the
zombies and only the zombies.
Take care of yourselves.
Stay safe.
Go, go, joo, joo, jees louis.
[upbeat jazz music]
[guests applaud]
Wasn't that the most
splendonderous ceremony?
I do believe the preacher
knocked it out of the park.
[laughs]
Now we will get to the vows.
Don't y'all worry.
Yay God!
But first, we going to
raise a little holy heaven.
Put your hand together
for DJ Cricket.
[guests applaud]
Hello, hello, hello, all
you zombies and humans,
you bloody wankers,
DJ Cricket here.
We're gonna send out
some jam for you for this
Ashley-Zack extravaganzo.
[groovy jazz music]
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the cricket.
Hit it with the
cricket, come on.
This is gonna be the wildest
reception you've ever seen
in the new world
order, but really,
I love bringing all
you freaks together.
Now let's get this jam started.
Here comes the wedding party.
[zombie cracks]
Now all you outrageous
humans and zombies,
here for the first time, maybe
the only time, [chuckles]
our still single
bride and groom,
Ashley Morgan and Zack Porter.
[guests gasps]
-["The Wedding March" plays]
-[guests applaud]
Our happy living-dead couple
will take the first trance.
[upbeat pop music]
Did I tell you I paid for this?
Paralyze
[guests applaud]
Everybody on the dance floor.
Let's go, you bloody wankers!
[growls]
I put my hands through fire
If it means to shield
You from the flames
I'll surrender to
Love when required
Always call my name
If I'm dreaming,
I never want to wake up
To a life without you,
Safe and in my world
Let's stomp, hot stuff.
I'm taken.
Paralyze
Paralyze
Bloody hell, that
was hot, hot, hot.
Weird, we have a couple of
amazing dancers out there
and a whole lot of God
awful ones. [spits]
All right, please
set your butts down
for the Reverend Crump.
Oh Lord of Zombaloony,
my gatherers, my reapers,
my luscious lambs of ivy, the
Apocalypse has finally come.
Hallelujah
Let us put our
forehead on the table.
Bless these foreheads.
Bless this cheese.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Stop right there.
Do you hear me?
-[can sprays]
-[screams]
I despise tax collectors!
I know where you work, fool.
Jacob, you're pathetic.
[upbeat pop music]
[guest 3] Are you on the menu?
-[food oozes]
-[guest gags]
[guest 4] Frontal lobe?
[guest 5] I'm still hungry,
[guest 6] Oh no, oh no.
[guest 7] More
brains, more brains.
[guest startles]
Right, right, settle down.
Settle down, everybody.
It's time for another
very special Transylvania.
The father of the bride
and Ashley have picked
a very special song.
-[upbeat country music]
-Come on, princess.
Let's show 'em what
the Morgans can do.
All good dance
For even a lot
There ain't no place,
No place to hide
Rounded by
'Round the spirit
No rhythm.
We got lots of
Eating inside
Just imagine
Make it happen
Come on, baby
This is how we do it
This is how we do it
And now joined by Buddy Bobs
very hormonal wife, Betty.
No more worries
Yikes, and they thought
this was a good idea? [laughs]
Sun is shining
Loud and away
No use in pretending
Everlasting joy in your eye
Minutes, hours, days, and
Weeks, romance and dancing
This is how we do it
This is how we do it
Right, let's heat the
family rumble going
with the groom and mommy groom.
[upbeat electronic music]
The moon casts shadows as
I wander through the night
It is not a stupid verse
We'll always be together
Losing you might be hard
but I know you must go on
Even though
It's good as gone
Our hearts will
Stay together
During as the
Stars will shine
In my heart
I hold your soul
Right, time to wake up the dead.
[zombies growl]
[Zombie] He looks like
he knows where he's going.
[best man] I know
that you're scared.
-You think?
-Well, we're scared too.
We don't know what we are,
-You're a zombie.
-who we are
or if there's an antidote
or a cure or not.
We don't even know if
we're gonna have a future.
Well, maybe that's what
it's all about, right?
Living for today.
Right.
Hi, I'm Ashley's
greatest friend.
I'm also single.
-Over here, Baby.
-[guest whistles]
You found a really great guy,
and he's dead and
a zombie and all,
but he is a sweetie.
Can't shoot a basketball to
save his damn life. [laughs]
Oh, but the best roommate
a guy could ever want.
I love you, air ball.
He brings you dead flowers,
and he always has breath mints
ready so you don't vomit,
and it's nice that
you can still have babies,
because he donated
his sperm to get money
to buy comic books.
Ooh, not our finest
family moment.
And your soon to be
better half, Ashley.
Come on here. Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Oh, your hands are so soft.
I hope you always
remain human, Ashley.
But I hope you don't
have real babies,
because that's too creepy,
and you're way too pretty
to have zombie babies,
-and it's just--
-Hey Missy,
I'm gonna be a grandmother.
She's gonna have a zombaby
even if it kills her.
-Make way, make way.
-[comical band music]
[Ashley screams]
-Ooh, I feel alive.
-[blood spurts]
Damn it.
Now I have to
protect you, Kelly.
Hold up.
I am not there yet.
Don't make me use this.
Folks, folks, some of yous
are catching this virus,
and it's your own dang fault.
Y'all gotta follow the rules.
All right, you
gotta keep separated.
[triumphant horn blows]
[Brick] Sue Wee was
struggling to keep control.
She ate a brain substitute,
and it really messed up
her stomach.
[upbeat pop music]
[growls] Come on
this way, zombeciles.
Attention, I think it's time
that I toast my
precious angel, Ashley.
I remember the first
time I laid eyes on her.
The nurse came out and told me
that my little, precious
angel had arrived,
my little bundle of joy.
Now sure I was a tad upset,
'cause she wasn't a boy
to carry on that
proud Morgan name,
but when I looked into
those honeysuckle eyes,
I fell in love. [chuckles]
I wept like a child,
'cause I had never seen someone
so beautiful in the world.
Now, when I first met Zack,
well, I didn't like him none.
He a bit too squishy for
my taste, too arty-farty.
Yeah, it's called
sophistication.
But the way Zack keeps himself
from eating Ashley's brains.
Well, you've grown on me, son.
So let's raise a glass to
my precious angel, Ashley,
and my new zombie-in-law, Zack.
Here, here.
Hey, y'all, it is
time for Betty Morgan
to bring some dignity
to this here event.
I'd take a bite out of you,
but my doctor said I should stay
away from junk food, shading.
Oh, would you please, seriously?
-[worrisome orchestra music]
-[zombies growl]
Do you know that
we're in danger?
Are you aware?
We gotta keep this going.
-Okay, y'all.
-[bites]
-[everyone screams]
-Mama!
Why me?
-[haunting electronic music]
-No, stop.
My very first
bite, logs of a duck.
-[upbeat jazz music]
-[arm crashes]
-[women screams]
-[glasses crashes]
Stop, Zack, we gotta
do something, stop!
[sign crashes]
[flesh tears]
Elsa Wolf for Weekly World News,
this groundbreaking
wedding between a human
and a zombie was going smoothly
until the Morgan family--
You look to break a story?
I can be your headline, baby.
[screams]
[Frank] Get outta here.
If you wanted to join,
all you had to do was ask.
[Frank] Run, Elsa, run!
[best man] You wanted flowers?
I can pay for dinner.
I told you all to
behave yourselves!
Oh, you wanna bite me?
[zombie yells]
Hey, hey, don't mess
with me, Reverend.
Lordy, I love this
wedding-aling-aling...
zombelujah.
Ash, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Stay right there.
I don't know how
I could ever think
that we could bring our friends
and families together like this.
This world isn't
made for true love.
It is getting filled
up with anger and hate.
The virus killed love.
You are dead wrong, Ash.
Nothing in life is perfect,
doubly so in death.
Nobody has ever dealt
with a plague like this
in the history of New Jersey.
Everyone in the history
of the world has gone
through some
difficult situation.
It's all a mystery, Ash.
I mean, I still don't
know why I'm walking,
why I'm talking,
why I'm dancing,
but what I do know for
sure is that I love you
with every ounce of my being.
How am I ever gonna
be able to trust you?
[comical band music]
What are you doing? [screams]
It's okay, it's okay.
We're safe now!
We're not gonna make
it out of here alive!
Yes, we are. I'm gonna make
sure of it.
What?
You left the car keys
in the camera bag inside!
Stay here.
I'm gonna go get them.
No, no, no, Frank, don't go.
Elsa, I...
Not another word.
Ash.
[Buddy Bob] Well,
there's the groom.
I lost Ashley.
Well, she's
probably just needing
some think thinking time.
No, I scared her off,
and I feel terrible about
what happened to your wife.
Oh, you couldn't have
known what would happen.
It was a distinct possibility.
Good point.
Look, I made a promise
to care for Betty
for her entire life,
death, and now undeath,
and I always honor my promises.
So go find Ashley and make
those vows to each other.
Be happy.
Buddy Bob's on your side.
Thank you, Mr. Morgan.
Dad.
Thank you, dad.
[both chuckle]
Now go find Ashley.
Go find your bride!
Koko Bailey, it
is my wedding day!
Ashley, he's a fraud.
The whole family, they're broke.
Cindy lost it all on
the alpaca business.
Let go of me.
No, no, no, the city has
a big lien on their house.
He can't take care of you.
-Help!
-No, no, no, no, no.
Listen to me, there'll
never be an antidote.
Mayor Fanucci told me.
He's going to be
a zombie forever.
Why are you being mean to me?
Because I can't
let you marry him.
I'll never lie to you.
I will love you
in truth forever.
-Get lost.
-[Koko grunts]
Ashley, face it, I'm the
best you'll ever be able
to get now, huh?
Koko Bailey, I would
rather be a zombie
than ever be with you.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
No, Ashley, Ashley!
Why are you not calling me back?
Get out of there!
They're about to
close the whole thing
down within the next hour!
What the heck is going on?
Oh, I forgot how
good we are together.
Pulitzer prize.
[both laugh]
Why didn't we work out?
-[zombies growl]
-[upbeat jazz music]
[Ashley] Zack!
Ashley!
I wanna marry you!
I wanna marry you.
I'll never change my
mind, never again.
I wanna move, start our
new life somewhere else.
Doesn't matter wheres,
long as it's with you.
[Koko] Stop!
Stay away from
my soon-to-be wife.
[laughs maniacally]
She'll never be your wife.
Just ask her crazy Mother.
You're not worth being a zombie.
Ash, I want our always
to be here in Vineland.
-[content orchestra music]
-Just do it, please.
Ash, no, I told you I'd
protect you, even from me.
Make me a zombie.
We'll be the same.
Then we can live together,
and we won't have to worry
about our differences.
I love you the way you are.
It's the best way.
Please just bite me.
No, the only way
we're gonna make it
is if we stay true to ourselves,
live each day as a
gift to each other.
You're even more handsome now.
Come on, we have some
business to finish.
[upbeat jazz music]
Let's cut the brain cake.
Brain cake, I want brain cake.
Brains, brains, y'all.
Don't break the brains, y'all.
-I'm hungry.
-Brains.
-I'm hungry for brain cake.
-Brains, y'all.
I'm hungry.
Whooya, nice of
you two to show up.
All right, you
undeadly revelers.
Brains.
Brains.
Good night.
[guests cheer]
-Brains, y'all, brains.
-I like you better, Betty.
Would you two stop making
this about yourselves?
Who invited the fun police?
This is our day.
Grow up.
-Right, y'all.
-I feel better.
Move, move, move, move, move!
Let's get to the vows!
Let's get to the vows!
[groovy electronic music]
We'll hold these off.
They're coming in.
Zwat's on its way.
Come on, you crazy ass zombies.
Give it your best shot.
I told you all that
my twinkle pie daughter
was gonna have the
wedding of her dreams,
and all of you monsters,
Zombies and humans alike,
are messing it all up!
[zombies groan]
I want some Buddy Bob brain.
Buddy Bob brains,
Buddy Bob brains!
Stay back.
I learned karate in high school.
I'll mess you up.
Reverend, stop right there.
I do not want to destroy
a man of the cloth.
Oh no, baby, God is on my side.
Amen to that, Rev.
Stop!
Everybody, please,
stop this now.
[sad orchestra music]
This is a very special day.
Why can't we all
behave ourselves?
Zack and I are in love, in love.
We have always been in love.
Yes, he is different now, but
he still has the same heart.
Well, he doesn't
have a heart exactly,
but you know, the
heart is not an organ.
The heart is love.
The world is changing.
Each and every one
of us are changing.
That doesn't mean we have
to lose our compassion,
our kindness for one another.
Zombies, being with Zack,
I know what it is you
go through every day.
I know that you need
brains to survive,
but I'm sure that
somewhere, deep down,
you remember what it's like
to be full human, don't you?
And to my fellow humans, we
have got to learn how to live
with people who do not
look or act like us.
I think we all need
to remember that.
Y'all need to learn
how to get along
with everybody on the planet.
We all just wanna be
understood, loved, right?
Look around, y'all.
Love is a zombie
wedding. [laughs]
Thank you.
Ash, I promise to
have and to hold you
from this day onward, to protect
you from any zombie attack,
to always wear air freshener
and to use mouthwash,
to love you unconditionally,
and to tear your head
off swiftly if you're
bitten by anyone but me,
and I promise to love
you until the sun dies.
Oh gosh, okay.
Zack, I promise to
have and to hold you
from this day forward.
I promise to always make sure
that you have a
belly full of brains.
I promise to turn the
TV all the way up,
'cause you are so deaf now.
Huh?
I promise to always keep
your leathery skin soft
and to never leave your side,
even if you fully decompose.
I promise to love you
until the sun dies.
Thank you.
With this ring, I thee dead.
[Ashley giggles]
With this ring, I thee wed.
You may now bite the bride.
[guests gasp]
Relax, Buddy Bob, just kidding.
You may now kiss the bride.
Thank you, Rev.
[guests applaud]
You go a little faster.
[militant drum music]
[car honks]
Yes, Frank and Elsa
made it out alive.
Then I sent them to cover alien
headhunters in the Amazon.
We haven't heard from
them since, but I'm
sure they're okay.
I was thrilled to accept
this Pulitzer on behalf
of the Weekly World News.
All of us at the Weekly
World News are basking
in our well-deserved glory.
Can you believe it?
Those two crazy kids
actually got hitched.
Now by the power
vested in my byline.
[crowd] Yay God!
May I present our beautiful,
crazy married couple,
Zack and Ashley Porter.
[crowd] Zombelujah!
-Until death do we party!
-Until death do we party!
[everyone cheers]
Yay God!
Freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Have you heard about
The new dance craze
Listen to us
I'm sure you'll be amazed
Big fun to be
Had by everyone
It's up to you
It surely can be done
Young and old are
Doing it, I'm told
Just one try and
You too will be sold
[Woman With Red Hair] Aw,
the wedding was yesterday.
What do you mean yesterday?
Good, I didn't want to go
to a zombie wedding anyway.
Zombies get married.
Let's go to dinner.
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
Ah, freak out
Le freak, c'est chic
Freak out
[calm R&B music]
I won't ever
Fucking leave you
When they try to make me
I will not believe them
It's 'cause I believe you
Stupid and naive
I love you 'cause you feed me
Tell me, do I see you
Never happened
I'd a shot them
All I ever said
Was you was problem
Never leaving you
On your lonesome
Never leaving you
On your ownsome
Do you ought to know
What true love is like
Someone who don't
Know how to love
Light up your soul,
Keep you cold at night
The one that
You're thinking of
Is all you need
With all you have
And the only one you want
Doesn't come home
So it gets cold at night
Someone who don't
Know how to love
Do you ought to know
What true love is like
Someone who don't
Know how to love
Light up your soul but
Keeps you cold at night
Someone that
You're thinking of
Is all you need,
Is all you need
And the only one you want
Doesn't come home,
So it's cold at night
Someone who don't
Know how to love