There There (2022) Movie Script
1
(soft melody playing)
(melody stops playing)
(birds chirping)
(Lottie laughing)
(James laughing)
God, you are so beautiful.
Jesus.
Lottie: You're actually
gorgeous, though.
I'm older than you.
You know that, right?
I don't know.
- I mean, I don't know.
- Come on!
But it doesn't even matter
because you're a guy,
so, your average conquest is...
what, half my age?
James: Sure.
Well, actually,
it's two girls half your age.
But this just seemed
more convenient. (chuckles)
Listen, you don't wanna
go fishing around
in my sordid past right now.
- Hmm.
- James: Ya don't wanna do that.
Mm-mm. No, I don't.
Oh, no,
I scared you there, didn't I?
No, I'm not a murderer
or a pedophile
- or anything like that.
- Wonderful.
Ah, I'm spoiling
the mood already, aren't I?
No. No, no, no.
It... (sighs)
It's just weird, isn't it?
It's really weird.
Chemistry is weird. (chuckles)
Because... because I feel like
I got fucking smashed
on some really strong cocktails.
But instead
of having a hangover,
I feel like...
like fucking Superman. You know?
I feel like... (grunting)
(both laughing)
Look at those big man muscles.
Do you want some water?
I'm just gonna get
a glass of water.
(sighs)
I think you'd have to get
the fire department
to pull me out of this bed.
James: What, the Jaws of Life?
Hey, have you ever seen them
use that thing before?
- It's pretty amazing.
- No, I've not.
James: Yeah,
there was a big wreck
outside the restaurant
last year.
Actually, it was, uh,
quite horrifying,
to tell you the truth.
But, um, they did manage
to save the one young woman.
(water running)
(pants)
I don't even like this bed.
I keep saying
I need to get another bed.
- James: Huh?
- (water stops running)
Do you like the bed?
Ah, I'm biased.
You know, for me, it's like a...
like a taxi to paradise.
(gulps)
- You have to work today?
- No.
James: Well, I do.
But I do have
a couple of hours, and, um...
hey, I'm the boss,
so, I can do what I want.
I can call in sick.
Call in horny.
Ooh. No, don't call in horny.
(chuckling)
Okay. Okay. So, two thoughts.
We can make love,
or we can make breakfast.
And you should know,
I'm a fucking amazing cook.
How... how do you know
they saved the woman?
The what? Um... you mean,
the fire department?
Um, I don't really know.
I mean, I think
it was a successful extraction.
They definitely took her away
in an ambulance,
and I heard someone
whoop and cheer.
I mean, I didn't follow them
to the ER,
but it looked like
everything was going
according to plan over there.
What caused the accident?
James: The ac... I don't know.
I think it was a drunk.
I mean, and not from my place,
thank God.
The girl was drunk,
or the person driving
- was drunk?
- I don't... I don't know
who was in the other car.
And whatever was
going on over there
wasn't nearly as dramatic.
I'm just really sorry
I fucking brought this up,
because this has to be
the least sexiest conversation
- we could possibly be having.
- No, see, you have to work.
And so we need...
we need this transition, okay?
So, go, go and make
some coffee or something.
Yeah. Uh... yeah. (chuckles)
Look, I'm all distracted
with you prancing
around here, okay?
- So...
- I'm prancing? Okay. (laughing)
Or whatever
the manly word is for...
for driving a woman
crazy with desire, so...
Okay.
Lottie: (laughing)
Ah, you... boy,
you've... you really never
have been with a woman
your age before, have you?
I mean, this is, uh...
um... a little privacy,
you know?
I mean, I know
you saw the whole thing,
but that was another context.
This is... this, is, uh...
Yeah, middle- aged woman,
broad daylight, yeah.
And now you can
go down to the kitchen
and get a big knife
to murder me with.
Hey, if I was a serial killer,
wouldn't I have killed you
already?
Lottie: Yeah, but how would
you do it?
Turn around!
Um... I would slice
your heart out and eat it.
(laughing) But, uh...
I don't know.
It's so strange that
that's where your mind went.
- You are a weird one.
- Lottie: I know, I know.
I just have
a natural tendency to...
- Oh, right.
- Lottie: Yeah.
James: That would be
your business, isn't it?
Blood and guts.
Lottie: Hmm, it's not really,
but, you know, I just...
I try to pay attention.
I like the details.
Well, you know, me being me,
I'd, uh, cook
your chopped out heart.
I would roast it
with some shallots
and maybe a balsamic glaze.
Well, leave it juicy and rare.
Rare heart.
James: Yes, the rarest.
Lottie: Come on,
put your pants on.
Yes, ma'am.
(belt buckle clicking)
Lottie: So, when should
we see each other again?
Any time. I could call you
or I could text you.
You could pop by
the restaurant whenever.
Or, I don't know... look,
if I'm allowed to visit you
- at the hospital.
- Lottie: Clinic.
Yeah, no, but... no, no, I know.
But that's not really
what I'm saying.
See, I, uh... I...
Oh, man, I don't even know
what the...
- James: You know.
- I don't even know
- what the rules are anymore!
- Doesn't matter.
My place is, uh...
is public anyhow,
so anybody is welcome.
You're public.
No. (chuckles) Yes.
But you are especially
welcome is what I'm saying.
In a few days, tonight,
I would love to see you
again anytime.
I mean, aren't you
a little afraid
of fucking this up?
I mean, come on, man.
Hmm?
(clicks tongue, inhales sharply)
(birds chirping)
- (clicks tongue) No.
- Why not?
Well, we just started.
And, um... I don't know.
Uh, I'm an idiot.
I'm a man. I, uh... I like you.
That's it.
It's, uh...
You ever played sports?
Lottie: Yeah,
I was on the volleyball team.
Oh, of course, you were.
Of course, you were!
God, I would love to see you
in those little shorts.
- I don't have those anymore.
- I will get you a pair. I will.
But you know, like,
"One game at a time."
You've heard that, right?
You can't go into it
thinking about losing
because that's a recipe
for choking, right?
Lottie: I like your confidence.
Well, you were very confident
last night.
No, no. That was just
a low bullshit tolerance.
Because I'm old and cranky. I...
That's not the same
as confidence.
Last night?
Lottie: Last night, yeah.
Well, I'm not normally
like that, I...
I trusted you.
I don't know. You just...
you seemed to have a natural...
Idiocy. Yeah.
Women find that comforting.
- No, no, no. No.
- James: Dunno why. (scoffs)
I mean, you... you're kind.
I saw the way you treated
everyone around you,
and how they treated you.
James: I was trying
to impress you.
I really wanted to impress you.
- James: Well, good timing.
- Good timing.
- Stop repeating me.
- Sorry.
I'll tell you one thing
about timing.
And, um...
I mean, let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
I mean, let's not.
But maybe we're just
a couple of people
with maybe imperfect records
who have found each other
at exactly the right moment?
I... I don't know.
And maybe this is a paradox,
but I actually think, you know,
because people our age,
they have baggage, yeah?
They have so much baggage.
But see, me,
I am such a colossal fuckup
that I have hardly managed
to pick up any baggage.
I mean, it's like the bags
just kept going past me
on the conveyor belt,
and I just didn't pick
the fucking things up!
Does that make sense?
No. (chuckles softly)
James: Um...
Well, that concludes
this episode of Serious Talk.
I just...
I just mean, of course,
I want to see you again.
I can think of at least
40 other ways I really
- wanna make love to you.
- (sighs deeply)
And even if this turns out
to be the only connection,
I just think, I don't know...
it... you just...
I just think it's fantastic
and wonderful
to be able to feel like this.
- Much better than volleyball.
- (chuckles)
(James chuckles)
Please tell me if I'm digging
myself a grave here.
Because I have been known,
you know, to put the suit on,
dive right in there,
- and read my own eulogy...
- No.
I like what you have to say.
Oh, shit.
You're the serial killer.
Is that it?
(bed thumps)
Come on then.
- (bed thumps)
- Come on. Come and show me.
- If you think you're so bad...
- (bed thumps)
...come and I don't know,
fucking...
what are you gonna do,
put a pillow on my face?
(object clattering)
Just keep talking.
You're beautiful.
You're warm
and you're brilliant.
And all of that is just
fucking obvious to anyone
who's halfway paying attention.
- Do you believe me?
- Sure.
- James: No, fuck that.
- (chuckles softly)
- James: Do you believe me?
- No.
But not because I don't want to.
Do you fucking believe me,
- for Christ's sake?
- Yes, fine! Yes!
Yes?
- Lottie: Yes.
- Good. (chuckles softly)
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, my God, wait.
I do. I do have to go
in to work today.
My boss, she arranged
this special...
(clicks tongue)
...it's like a special
- training session. God.
- Yeah, no problem.
Are you late?
No, no, no. I'm not late. No.
I just... I just...
Oh, this was...
this was so, so nice.
And I'm gonna come visit you.
I'm gonna barge in
on you at work
and I'm gonna
embarrass you, okay?
You know, there's this new girl,
this... this young girl,
and the... and the truth is,
we... we never should have
hired her
- in the first place, you see?
- Uh, yeah.
Because... because she's not...
she's not qualified.
But she's... she's sweet.
I mean... I mean,
she means well,
but she, oh, she just needs
a lot of supervision.
So, I've kinda gotta get,
you know, remedial with her,
try to get her up to speed.
- Yeah.
- Lottie: I mean...
I could... I could...
I could never kill you
by putting a pillow
over your face
because you'd fight me off
with the big muscles,
so, that's a ridiculous idea.
Well, we'll have to resume
that discussion later, hey?
Lottie: I'd have to tie you
to the bed first.
- Huh!
- Lottie: You'd probably
be fine with that, I imagine.
You're sending
some mixed signals here.
Lottie: Am I really?
Yeah.
I don't want to leave either,
you know?
- I really don't.
- Lottie: No, you should.
You should. You have to.
James: This is getting
ridiculous now.
Do you know what,
I'm gonna rip off the band- aid
and run away,
because I can do that.
Lottie: Okay.
But this certainly
isn't goodbye, so...
Can you look at me?
(chuckles)
(door closing)
(sighs)
(birds chirping)
(clicking)
(pedal steel guitar playing)
(guitar stops playing)
I was so happy.
I mean, I was bursting
with happiness.
And I don't know what it was.
It was like the way
the... the light came
in the window,
or I don't know
but, all of a sudden,
I had a panic attack.
- And this man had to leave.
- Hmm.
Lottie: And, I mean, he was
getting ready to go anyway.
I mean, he had to go
to work for real.
I mean, at least,
I think for real.
Maybe he was just trying to
get away from me too, and...
No, he liked you.
You liked each other.
Lottie: Yeah.
That's good. And, you know,
you can't second guess.
- I... I sounded crazy.
- Well, men love crazy.
- And you didn't, I'm sure.
- No, I, um...
No, he was telling this story
about this drunk girl
that got in a car accident
outside his place,
and I took that girl
from his story
and in my imagination,
in my crazy head,
I said that I had to go
give her training at work.
Probably because
I wanted to call you
and beg you to come talk to me.
So, I was the crazy girl.
(chuckles softly)
- Yeah.
- (exhales)
Well, it felt really good.
He felt good.
Okay, come on.
What are we doing here?
I mean, I'm not one
of your girlfriends.
I'm your friend but...
why are we here?
Well... he made me feel
like anything was possible.
Joanna: Mm-hmm.
And I know that anything
is not possible.
- Joanna: Mm-hmm.
- But amidst everything,
there was a thought flickering
across my mind that...
that maybe I could have a drink.
That, you know,
it wouldn't matter.
That's a classic.
- I mean, sneaky one.
- Yeah, I guess.
I guess it's kind of obvious.
It was a first for me, though.
(chuckles softly)
Well, bless you,
but that's like the most
normal, common, garden variety
alcoholic magical thinking ever.
- Yeah. Textbook, right?
- Joanna: Yeah.
But, I mean, you had
your own feeling about it.
And, look, by the way,
this has nothing to do
with whether or not
you're in love.
I mean,
I certainly hope you are.
The disease just takes whatever
opportunity you give it.
That's why you're here
talking to me.
I'm not gonna let you slip.
Yeah, because you'd kick my ass.
- You're an asskicker.
- Don't flatter me.
You know, my last sponsor?
- Joanna: Alison.
- Yeah, Alison.
Joanna: Yeah. I know
she was an Earth mother
and an empath and not a weird
abrasive bitchy lady.
I mean... (sighs)
Well, that's why I asked you
to be my sponsor.
I mean,
not that you're "Bitchy."
- No, you're just...
- Hmm.
- ...not at all.
- You know why I love you?
- You're pure sunshine, y'know?
- (chuckles softly)
- "Anything is possible."
- Please.
Joanna: I'm not making fun
of you, I'm not.
It's just that you have
a way of making,
um, I mean, anything,
even a crisis, seem sweet,
and I treasure it.
Lottie: Listen,
I've never inventoried
my joy before.
I mean, fear and resentment,
yeah, all day every day.
I called Alison
a thousand times about...
- But, um... you know.
- Joanna: Sure.
You... you know
how it ended with her?
Joanna: No, I don't.
And I don't need to know
those details, sweetie.
Yeah, I mean,
why would you? (chuckles)
I know people adored her,
and I know that losing her
in your life
must have been
so, so hard for you.
Yeah, yeah, it was,
but it was also...
I mean, she was an old hippie,
yeah, for sure,
and she did
all of that commune life
and... and pretty much
any way a human being
could be dragged
through the gutter.
I mean, she...
she'd been through it,
she had seen it, and, uh,
lived it. (chuckles softly)
But as weird as stuff got, like,
I think she really just
approached it all
with a big, big heart.
I always had a hard time
with hippies.
Lottie: Well, she was sober
for a long time, you know.
She was actually sober
through some
of her most difficult times.
But like you, she was just
super dedicated.
- Joanna: Mm-hmm.
- But her husband, man.
He just, you know,
he just relapsed.
He was always relapsing
and, um...
He just was in a lot...
had a lot of problems.
I don't know.
It wasn't my business. But...
but she was super reliable,
and we talked every day.
And then there would be
these hints of things.
Like, uh, sometimes...
Well, just a couple of times,
but I heard this guy
like literally screaming
in the background,
like a... like a raving maniac.
And Alison, she would
just be cool as a cucumber.
At most she'd say,
"Let me call you back
in five minutes."
- So...
- (clicks tongue) Well,
she may...
- Uh... Maybe she...
- Maybe.
- ...shouldn't have been...
- I mean...
But she was very devoted to him.
Very devoted.
I mean, she would do
anything for anybody.
In fact, she had come
into some pretty good money,
like, ten years before
because she had sold
some real estate
that they'd had forever.
But then, by the end,
it was gone.
I mean, she'd basically...
she gave it away
to anyone that asked.
Joanna: That's a heart too big.
- Like you.
- No. No, no, no.
Not like me.
So um... (clicks tongue)
...she would tell me...
well, I would ask her
because I'm... I like to...
I like to know what's going on
with people, you know.
I like... is there a napkin
around here?
Uh...
(Joanna sighing)
(birds chirping)
(sniffles) So, there was
this homeless woman
who was sleeping in her car
outside of Alison's house.
Joanna: Mm-hmm.
And, you know, Alison,
um, of course, couldn't...
couldn't resist being nice
and so she...
she brought food
to the woman and, um...
- you know, lentil soup...
- Joanna: Hmm. I can smell it.
Oh, I like that stuff,
I like the macrobiotic.
Um, but Alison had been
homeless too, more than once.
And so she said to the woman,
"Look, you know, as long
as you're parked outside here,
um, you can... you can use
the shower in our house
if you... if you need to.
You know, mi casa, su casa."
- Joanna: Uh...
- Well, I...
I... I actually think
that's beautiful.
(inhales) But then
the next part is that
after a few weeks Alison,
you know, sensed something weird
or noticed something,
I don't know,
maybe it was obvious, um...
So, she confronts the woman
and she says,
"Look. I know you're having sex
with my husband.
And it's okay. I understand.
What I'd like to do,
with your permission,
is record it.
Record the sex and beam it out
into the universe."
(birds chirping)
She told you this?
Her first husband
had been an engineer,
and so she had some
of his old equipment.
Uh, radios, transmitters,
and I don't even know what else.
So, yes, she recorded the sex
and she beamed it
into outer space.
See, I think the thing was
is that she wanted
to make contact
with the extraterrestrial...
the... extraterrestrial
life forms... see, I don't know.
I don't even know
the right terminology.
Um, it's like,
the elders of their race
would communicate
with the elders of our race,
the dead people,
and then, they would pass
messages to her husband,
to her parents,
and we never spoke about it,
but I think that she had
lost a child years before,
which would make anybody crazy
for the rest of their life.
So, I don't even know
if she was crazy.
Stop... stop. Wait. (chuckles)
Stop. Yes, she was.
Sick. She was sick
and suffering.
I mean, very sick and suffering.
And it's so important
that you know that.
Lottie: Yeah, no,
I don't pretend to understand
all the stuff
she was talking about.
But she could be...
she could be very convincing.
So, she record...
she recorded this
and sent this out,
and she wasn't certain,
but she thought she was getting
something back.
See, it's like her mind
was trying to catch up
to her spirit,
which is where she was
very knowledgeable.
Um, she felt like
she was getting light,
pure light,
and it frustrated her
that she wasn't advanced
enough to...
to read the messages.
Yeah, I mean, I know it's...
it's some weird stuff
- but I um... but I loved her.
- Joanna: This is...
breaking my heart
as you tell me this.
Why?
Because this woman
shouldn't have been a sponsor.
This should not have happened,
and it's a testament
to your strength that you...
Well, she wanted
the best for me.
I mean, she wanted me
to receive that light too.
It's a red flag.
I mean... red fucking flag.
It's bright red.
See, a part of why
I like you so much
is that you're in touch
with your anger.
I'm... I'm open to...
yeah, I mean... I mean I...
I believe in spirit.
I believe in a higher power
for real.
Okay. Yes, I understand
what a higher power
means in my life...
I mean, we don't have to get
into a theology thing,
because I... I don't need
sponsorship to be about...
Okay, but can we please
see eye to eye
on the fact
that it's not fucking aliens
bathing you in a sex jacuzzi?
I mean, I'm sorry.
I'm out of line here,
but fuck that and fuck her
for sharing that,
- for exposing you to that.
- Lottie: Look, I am...
I am always open to anyone's
spiritual journey.
You know, if... if you wanna
put crystals on me or whatever.
I mean, I'm... I'm gonna
always say yes
because I think
goodness and beauty
flows through all of us
all the time.
If you let it.
Okay, look, I know,
I can see you're upset,
and I'm sorry. I understand.
I am telling you this,
so, that you understand
why I was listening to Alison.
So, anyways, we did some
light- bathing together,
and I don't know if I felt...
I don't know, but, I mean,
I felt the presence
of my grandmother, that's true,
but I often feel the presence
of my grandmother
and I don't... I don't think,
I don't know
if that's radio waves
or I don't know.
- But...
- (cell phone ringing)
Do you have to take that?
(cell phone ringing)
So, the... the husband,
not the... not the dead one,
the one that was still alive,
she had been giving him
some legal and, uh,
financial advice
from these signals
and it led
to some bad decisions.
So, he was in some trouble,
on top of the trouble
that he was always in,
and so she asked me to help her,
um, to do... to do some favors.
Um... Look, she had
some health issues,
so, it wasn't always easy
for her to get around,
so, I did some errands.
It's like, easy...
when it was just like
easy to drive a...
to drive and drop
a backpack off somewhere.
What was in the fucking
backpack?
I don't think
I did anything illegal,
and even if... even if I did,
I mean, it was...
I don't think
I'll get in trouble for it.
This was a couple years ago,
and anyways, whatever it was,
it was very small.
But then, you heard
they disappeared.
So... so I'm talking to Alison,
you know, as every day,
and she picks up as usual,
and this time I hear airport
announcements behind her,
and I ask, and she says
that she was going away.
And that we wouldn't
see each other again.
And that... that she would
always be with me.
(scoffs) She said it
as if she was boarding
a flight to Pittsburgh
or the same as ascending
to Heaven.
Or Centauri- Five.
And, I mean,
I'm not even telling you
half the things that she said,
things that she could've only
known by,
you know... through the divine,
or extrasensory or...
But... it's all about faith.
It's about faith.
And the way that Alison
believed in that stuff,
you know, the stuff
that scared me,
she also believed in me.
And so, I don't... I don't...
I don't know
if I'd be sitting here sober
- without that.
- No, no. Listen. No.
Don't go making her
your higher power.
I know. That's textbook too.
I know, right, but...
Joanna: No "But."
No, but. We lift each other up!
We... we feel things,
we feel things deep.
And you know, sure, yeah,
and there are people
who don't need other people,
God bless them.
My dad was one of those.
I mean, he could...
oh, he wanted nothing more
than just to go live
on a desert island
and... and watch
the birds fly around.
Me, I... I would slit my wrists.
I mean... I mean,
forget about a relapse,
I would... I would go...
- (inhales)
- ...straight to the razor,
if I couldn't share
my joy and pain with people.
So, I needed Alison.
Like I need you.
And God willing,
hopefully this man will be
part of the tapestry
of people that keep me up,
keep me above myself.
You know, we need...
we need each other. We...
you know that.
We can't do it alone.
(garage door whirring)
(soft melody playing)
(melody stops playing)
Adrienne: Um, let's see. Um...
all his written assignments
have been very good quality.
I have spoken to him about
presentation and formatting,
you know,
the occasional pizza sauce
on a piece of paper
or something,
which for boys this age,
you know, is incredibly common.
It's crazy the kind of things
and stains you'll see on paper.
But, um... but overall,
really good.
Really, really good.
I mean,
he's obviously very smart,
you don't need me
to tell you that.
He obviously gets it. (inhales)
And it's like,
sometimes, you know,
I'll get something wrong,
and he'll correct me.
Call me out on my mistake.
So, he's definitely sharp
like that.
He definitely gets it.
He's definitely
one of my favorites,
- he's a great kid.
- (school bell beeping)
Adrienne: God, I don't know
why they don't turn those off
for parent- teacher conferences.
(chuckles softly)
So, that's it from me.
So, like, good job,
let's keep it going.
He's, um, he's definitely
on track for his grade level,
so, we'll just keep the momentum
up and I guess...
(clicks tongue) Um,
less pizza stains
or... fewer pizza stains,
and, uh... (chuckles)
...and we're good.
So, do you have any questions
for me or...
Okay.
I do have a question. Um,
what do you do in here?
Like... day to day?
Um, we'll usually discuss
whatever the reading
assignment was,
and I'll lead the discussion,
but the kids are really engaged,
they bring so much to it.
Or we'll do specific exercises,
vocabulary, worksheets,
response journals,
or we'll do breakout groups.
We like to keep it fun.
I'm so sorry,
I... I don't understand.
I... I teach English.
How long is this class?
Like an hour, 45 minutes?
What are you doing
as those minutes are ticking by?
Sorry. Uh, ma'am, it seems like
you're upset with me,
and I'm not sure why
but if you'd like
to have a discussion...
Yes, good, I'd like
to have a discussion.
Um, my son is on his phone
during your class.
Um, my son is engaging
in perverse, criminal activity
on his phone during your class.
So, I want to know,
where are you?
- I'm not... I'm not...
- (Joanna sighs)
(objects clattering)
Joanna: Ah.
This is his phone.
(sighs) I have no idea
how he's pulling this off.
I don't know
if he's got it hanging
from a backpack strap or what.
I don't know. Do you know?
Triana: But, like,
the cool thing about it is
it's kind of universal.
Like, on one hand,
it's super, super specific
obviously, because not everyone
has been in prison
- or a political prisoner...
- I think in the porn industry,
this is known as an "Upskirt."
Triana: ...but on the other
hand, it's like kind of
a metaphor or whatever,
I think everyone who reads...
Joanna: You're disgusted.
I know.
It's disgusting.
Well, um, this is criminal,
and we should report it
- to the authorities.
- (exhales)
Well, as you can imagine,
I have mixed feelings
about turning my son
over to the police,
but I can't argue
that he doesn't deserve
punishment.
Do you know the girl
in question, by the way?
I mean, I'm not assuming you
recognize her underpants.
Okay, ma'am,
I... I think this is...
I think this is an important
conversation,
but I feel extremely
uncomfortable.
Ooh, me too.
I think we should just schedule
a meeting with the principal.
Joanna: Mm.
Well, we can do that.
Um, but there's one
other part...
- (sighs) No, I don't...
- ...I wanna show you.
- Donal: So stupid, like...
- You don't have to watch
- the video if you don't want.
- Donal: Seriously?
Adrienne: The point,
listen, the point is
that we all respect
each other in this room...
Triana: You're a fucking idiot.
- (Donal laughing)
- Adrienne: Hey!
- Triana: I'm talking to you.
- Adrienne: Listen...
- Donal: Ah, oh, I'm sorry.
- Adrienne: Respect is
- a two- way street here, buddy.
- Donal: I thought it was her.
- Adrienne: And...
- Donal: Oh, I'm sorry,
is there some reason
I'm supposed to respect you?
I know that kid.
- Adrienne: I am your teacher.
- He's a total prick.
- boy: Kick him out already!
- Adrienne: I'm about to,
believe me. I'm about to kick
all you fuckers the fuck out.
I don't come in here
to get shit on
- by you fucking clowns, okay?
- Adrienne: Ma'am...
(indistinct chatter)
- Donal: Oh, my God.
- Adrienne: You can suck my dick
- if you think...
- Ooh.
Believe it or not,
I can relate to you here, I can.
I'm not proud of it.
Why does the video go on
so long? Nothing happens.
How long does it take
for these guys on the Internet
to jack off?
(sighs)
What, do you want
to get me fired?
You bring that video
to the principal,
your son also gets arrested,
you know that.
I could just give them
the audio,
if that's what I wanted.
Don't be a dumb little girl.
I didn't say you were dumb.
I said don't be dumb.
Okay, you want to talk
about something?
Okay, let's not make it
this whole fucking harassment.
Joanna: They don't pay you
enough, I know.
And I agree, by the way.
My next parents are here, so...
Joanna:
It's not their time slot yet.
You gotta give me
my ten minutes.
I mean, Jesus,
this is the only time all year
I get to see my kid's teacher.
I'm always available for parents
and any of their concerns,
you know that.
Joanna: Oh, really?
I... no, I didn't.
Well, now you do.
Hmm.
Come on back. Come on.
I won't go overtime, I promise.
(sighs)
He's making money.
I guess there's some kind
of site they use,
or he uploads it somehow.
I don't know...
- Ma'am.
- ...if they put ads on it.
I... I mean... (clicks tongue)
...what would an English teacher
know about tech stuff, right?
- Ma'am!
- Joanna: What, dear?
- How can I help you?
- You can't. It's just...
- I know I seem angry.
- (sighs)
And that's correct, I am angry.
Why do you let him
bring a phone to school?
Joanna: Excuse me?
Why do I let him
bring his phone?
- There's a phones- off policy.
- (Joanna sighs)
Well, good. Great.
Um, it's a tracking device.
Do you understand?
I want to know
if he's in school,
and if he's not,
I want to know where he is.
And so I tell him to keep it
with him and to keep it on.
And you're supposed to
tell him not to whip it out.
What do you want to be doing?
Career- wise.
You're not happy teaching.
- So, what is it? Tell me that.
- Fuck you. No.
(sighs)
You just want to sit in silence
until the time runs out?
Until you're saved by the bell?
I mean, I know this seems
like a big
- impersonal system...
- (sniffles)
...but I am telling you,
it's very personal.
I, um...
It's very personal
to the parents
who entrust you
with their children every day.
It was true in kindergarten,
- and it's true now.
- I work hard. I do my best.
That's all
I'm going to tell you.
(sniffles)
I'm not a bad teacher.
Oh, sweetie, you are.
You slipped through the cracks.
I've had jobs...
- (sniffles)
- ...I didn't care about.
- I get it.
- No, I didn't say that.
But you don't know anything.
You really don't...
don't know anything.
(school bell beeping)
- Okay. I'm listening.
Excuse me? You're not my mom,
you're not my therapist.
You're just like
a crazy old bitch.
And I'm sorry, but you called me
a dumb little girl,
so, I think I have the moral
right to call you a bitch,
who came in here
and ambushed me
with all this shit
like it's my fault
or there's something wrong
with me
just because your son
is a fucked up evil perv.
- (door knocking)
- (Adrienne sniffles)
Joanna: I'm so sorry,
just one more minute,
we're almost done.
(exhales)
You want to be
a yoga instructor or...
a corporate executive?
Volunteer at the animal shelter?
What is it?
(clicks tongue)
I wanted to be a lawyer.
Well, really,
I think I wanted to be a judge.
(chuckles) You think
- I'm judgmental?
- (Adrienne scoffs)
None of this has anything
to fucking do with me,
- you hateful black hole.
- Wrong.
Your time is up. Go.
If it hurts, it has something
to do with you.
Adrienne: How does this have
anything to do with your son?
Like... like, do you even care
what he does in my class?
- Like, do you read his papers?
- (chuckles)
Uh, do I want to know
a 16- year- old pervert's
insights into the oeuvre
of Toni Morrison?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Joanna: I was a worse fuckup
than you when I was your age.
So, no law school for me.
Ooh, we're almost out of time.
Do you want a minute
to get your composure
before, um,
Christiane's parents?
Oh, God, I hope that's not her
on the Internet. Ugh.
I don't mean to torture you.
I really don't.
I do want to help you.
Get the fuck
out of my classroom! Go!
- They can hear you.
- Adrienne: Go!
Deep breaths. (inhales)
Deep breaths. (exhales) Okay?
Adrienne: You're a bad mother.
(door squeaking)
(door closing)
(inhales, exhales)
(toilet flushing)
(water running)
(sighs)
(soft melody playing)
(melody stops playing)
Yeah, no one's saying
that you invented porno.
That's not the issue here.
The issue here
is that you have created
and are profiting
off an infrastructure
which allows, and,
they're claiming, not me,
actively encourages minors
to produce and consume
inappropriate and frequently
- illegal content.
- (church bells ringing)
Okay.
You know, and then
these kids get paid for it.
That's... that puts you
in the position of being...
- (beeping)
- of being... uh, uh...
- (machine beeping)
- Uh...
Listen, the law is mostly
on your side here actually.
But you're... you're creating
additional challenges
for yourself.
- What... what is that?
Is that your...
fucking balls monitor just
telling you that you're empty?
Seth: Yeah. Yep, that's right.
How did you know? It's, uh...
I'm low on jism.
I've gotta go, uh, get some.
Would you mind, uh, if I just
go chug some for a second
and get my levels back up?
One sec.
(humming) Oh, whoops. Shit.
What the f... Oh, no.
You're a platform developer.
You don't curate content,
you're not a content
creator, okay?
Ninety- five percent
of the videos that you host
are cooking videos, or viral
dance videos, kitty cats.
- Sam: Yeah. But I do curate.
- Seth: You don't! You don't!
And don't ever say
that you do in a deposition.
I kick people off,
that's curation.
So, boost people I like.
Seth: Right.
Who do you kick off?
Whoever the fuck I feel like.
Seth: But not masturbating
16-year-olds.
No, because that's nature.
And why would I fight
against that?
(exhales)
Automatic cappuccino maker.
Really good.
(exhales) Like, really good.
It's... it's amazing.
Yeah, I mean,
I used to have one
of those big fucking
Italian barista machines,
you know, but I hated it.
I... I couldn't do it
and it required
all this maintenance.
It's like, you know,
I'm not trying to own
a fucking Ferrari here,
I just wanna stay awake
a little bit
and get some enjoyment
out of life.
You know that girl
in Paris was underage, right?
Seth: That's not funny.
I don't know what you're doing
but it's not funny.
The, uh... the party.
Yes, I talked to...
I talked to a girl
at the very stupid party
you dragged me to in Paris.
I'm just saying
that she was underage.
Seth: I know that, dipshit.
We were talking about her...
her university applications.
But I never laid a hand
on this person,
nor would I, so, fuck you,
and... and fuck you!
You want to release a statement?
Seth: No.
(sighs)
"Information wants
to be free..." (grunts)
Seth: That's not a statement.
"And if that sounds
deadeningly familiar,
it's because it's never
not been true."
Seth: That's not a statement.
"Capitalism is an engine.
Technology is a lubricant."
Seth: Look, man.
"And the freedoms that undergird
- a legitimate democracy...
- Seth: I just don't wanna dig
your grave
for you, all right?
For one thing...
- ...are inherently
open source."
- ...I care about you.
And, um, for another,
I think that you made something
important. Really important.
Could be really important,
if you don't piss it all away.
Have I done anything illegal?
Seth: I don't know. Probably.
I don't know. When?
(clicks tongue)
Professionally, limpdick.
Seth: I don't know that either.
And I don't want to know.
My job is to anticipate
and make sure
that you're adequately
prepared for
and defended
from specific challenges.
Sam: Hmm.
- Fuck you. You're fired.
- (cell phone clatter)
(Sam sighs)
(exhales)
I suppose this is an example
of your famously awful
sense of humor?
(grunts)
(clicking)
(sighs)
Yeah, if not, que ser, ser.
Because you want to know...
you want...
you want to know the truth?
Hmm?
As your friend,
not as your lawyer,
because if you're serious,
if you were serious,
then... then
I'm not your lawyer, right?
So, as your friend,
I feel bad for you.
I feel bad for you
because I think that you,
you live your life in fear,
man.
And I know you...
you walk around,
you jut out your chest,
your big manly chest,
you're a fucking ambitious kid
who's shaking things up
and "Disrupting,"
but you're not...
you... (sighs)
...you've got a...
you've got a disruptive mind.
You do. And you know what?
You're afraid.
You're afraid of success.
Now, I know you can say,
"Well, I made all this money,
and Bitcoin,
and fuckton and whatever."
And I totally get it
and I respect that,
because I'm a capitalist too.
But, man, I... I've never seen
anyone less interested
in taking responsibility,
more evasive,
while simultaneously
being too stubborn
to know this about yourself
and let people, other people,
more responsible people
pamper your ass,
which is all anybody
ever wanted to do,
you entitled fuck.
- Just gonna read from the...
- (sighs)
...the letter I sent you.
How are you still talking?
Seth: "While
we've never expected
your professional conduct
to reflect
any personal sense of decency,
we must expect at the very
least
that you will respect your own
self- preservation instinct
and comply with the existing
court orders
rather than risking
the complete annihilation
of your remaining corporate
assets and 'reputation.'"
And... (chuckles) ...they put
"reputation" in quotes
which I think is rather funny.
I mean, it's good writing,
uh, poetic. Um...
- Goodbye.
- Bye. Good. Great. I dare you.
- I fucking dare you.
- (line whistles)
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(keyboard keys clacking)
- (line whistles)
- (clicks tongue) Can you
see me?
Ask yourself
if you could have built
what you built without me.
Honestly, ask yourself,
if we're more powerful together,
or apart.
Sam: That's it? That...
that's all you got?
Yeah, well,
I'm not gonna sit here
and plead and debase myself.
Sam: Uh, I mean,
you do keep telling me
I'm your only
major client anymore.
I'm pretty sure
your wife is gonna fuck you
in the divorce.
Seth: Yeah, we're not getting
a divorce.
Oh, that's...
that's... I'm glad to hear.
(laughs) That's awesome.
Seth: We're figuring things out.
(sighs) Yeah.
You'll be all right.
Kristine is cool. She...
she's gonna put
the kids first at least.
Yo, where is your
hot wife right now?
Where are the kids?
None of your fucking business.
They're with her parents
for next couple weeks. (exhales)
The point is...
I love you.
- (laughs)
- Seth: Of course I do.
Probably more
than anybody else does.
What? Is that...
am I... am I crazy?
Is that so wrong?
I mean, do you remember the
first time, um, that we met?
At the... we got a beer
at the... that bar.
Oh, what was the name
of that place?
I don't know, it's... it had
the dance music like a...
(imitates upbeat music)
I mean, I don't even know
how they let you in the place.
You didn't look like you were
more than 12 years old to me
at the time, and...
Yeah, that was like
three years ago.
Seth: Well, you looked young.
And you acted young.
And I still think you'd a lot
to learn about the world.
And, I mean, I did too.
- Hmm.
- Seth: I... I did too.
- But...
- (sniffs)
...taking this journey
with you... and helping you,
uh, achieve your dreams
of financial success...
it's... it's been
a wonderful education.
But the... the one thing
I'll... I'll never forget,
despite, you know,
how much of an asshole
you've been to me over the years
and probably right now...
is I'll always say to myself,
"That kid trusted me."
That I don't take for granted.
- It's like...
- Hmm.
...have you ever been
in love for real?
I mean, I...
I know you've fucked.
You've fucked your cock off
and I've heard you
speak admiringly
about various ladies,
but, I mean, have you...
have you even been in love?
You're the worst lawyer
in the world.
- You... you know that, right?
- Seth: Hmm...
No. But you can go ahead,
continue to impugn my character
- all you want.
- Sam: Look,
I didn't keep you around
this long
because I thought
you were competent.
Seth: Right.
- Hey, you're a great dude.
- (Seth laughing)
I know.
I mean, you're a piece
of shit... (laughs)
...yeah, but...
but I love you too.
You're too much fun,
you goofy bitch.
Too much motherfucking fun!
So, no matter what happens...
always know that I love you.
And, yes, okay,
I know what love is.
Seth: Do you?
I mean, do you...
do you think
you'll ever get married?
Yeah, man. Yeah.
I could definitely
raise some kids, fuck yeah.
- Seth: Yeah.
- But I'm talking... (sighs)
I'm tapping into...
all of love. You know...
family, romantic, sexual,
love of mankind,
love of the Lord, all of it.
Wow.
So, you're all religious now
and shit?
- (laughs)
- Seth: Now, are you
fucking with me?
- Look...
- Ha- ha.
Sam: I wanna
keep working with you.
So, let's work together, hmm?
- My only condition...
- Seth: Mm-hmm.
Listen, man...
is that... you know...
no more little ideas.
Let's do something big
and majestic together.
- Seth: Yeah.
- Okay?
Peace. I love you, dawg.
(line whistles)
Peace.
(jazz melody playing)
(clinking)
(melody stops playing)
(clinking, clattering)
(Seth exhales)
Ah, fuck!
(pants)
(sniffling)
For real?
(sighs)
I'm sorry, I can't. I can't.
I'm so tired.
(exhales, groans softly)
Not trying to make excuses here,
but I... I'm exhausted.
You know? (sighs)
I mean, I tried.
(sighs) I mean, sort of I did.
You... you gotta...
you gotta deal with the world
you've got,
not the one you want,
and you gotta be willing
to make compromises.
Does that mean you're damning
your soul to Hell?
Does it?
Yeah, it does, actually.
Seth: Hell?
Hell, Hell?
(sighs)
I don't believe in Hell.
You don't either. (sighs)
Eternity. It's just another word
for consequences.
Anyway, it's a long time, bubbe.
- (sighs)
- Seth: Hell for what?
That seems a little extreme,
- if you ask me.
- (coughs)
I mean, say what you will
about a lot of things,
and I would say... that the only
thing that really matters...
The only, you know, the only way
you can really judge a man,
or me, on,
is what kind of a father
have I been to my girls.
You know? Imperfect?
Definitely. Definitely.
But committed, devoted.
You know that.
Everybody knows that.
(blows air) Boo- yah.
Plus, I'm a pretty good
lawyer too.
I mean, despite what certain
fuckwit clients might say,
and I know you know that.
(clears throat)
Would you please stop
staring at me like that?
Just sitting there
presuming a moral authority.
- But I don't trust ghosts.
- I'm not presuming anything.
You just started talking.
Seth: Okay, you're right.
You know what, go ahead.
Bring it on.
I mean, I know
you've been gone for a while,
so, just to bring you up
to speed,
Kristine has told me
plenty about my deficiencies
over the last several years,
so, I'm pretty well informed
in that regard.
(inhales)
- Seth: But...
- (exhales)
...how do you measure a man?
By his choices, certainly,
but I also pose to you this...
Are you arguing a case here?
Don't open your mouth
if you haven't prepped.
Seth: I know that.
You taught me that.
I just wanna
have a conversation about
choices versus
circumstances, okay? Okay.
Fuck, you loved baseball! Right?
Could you choose
to be a major leaguer? No.
But you did the best you could
with what you had,
and you accepted that
with dignity.
By the way,
I always think of you
as a man
with exceptional dignity.
I still do.
So, what, you're...
you're expecting me to believe
that you're...
you're burning in Hell?
- (sniffs)
- (clears throat) Come on.
I'm here. I'm here.
(gulps) Can I get
some more water, please?
Is that allowed?
(sighs)
I wish I smoked.
(sighs)
Ah, of course, you know...
(water running)
...more than...
Make yourself at home.
I... I'd get you water
but I, you know...
- (laughing)
- (sighs)
Izzy: Congratulations,
that's terrific.
(Seth sighing)
(sighing)
What would a good man do?
Get in the car...
be up there by...
a little bit before breakfast,
surprise Kristine and the kids.
Of course, there was a reason
I wasn't invited on this trip.
Plus, her father
would murder me,
which kinda ruins breakfast.
You ever fart somewhere,
like a, um, a car
or an elevator maybe,
and think, if I just inhale
enough of this fart myself,
that'd be like a public service?
You know, like, if...
if I can filter
enough of this air myself,
it's like a service to others,
and... in fact, I might just
get away with it,
and... and they'll be none
the wiser for my efforts.
Extremely private,
extremely personal, I know.
But isn't it
a kind of a metaphor
for sin in general?
(clicks tongue)
Were you a dandruff
sufferer perchance?
I still do get outbreaks
in my eyebrows
- from time to time...
- (wind gusting)
Nah, come on.
You know what, not constructive.
(gusting stops)
(sighs)
Say hi to my dad,
would you?
Ask him why he's not here
doing this.
(sighs)
Seems like
this ought to be his job.
Seems pretty spineless
to send you.
Izzy: Your father loves you.
- I thought you loved me too.
- Yeah, I do, but...
I'm not afraid to kick your ass.
Seth: (laughing) Yeah.
I was at your funeral.
- I cried.
- (sighs)
I cried so much.
I hope you saw that.
I hope it made you feel bad.
I cried when your niece sang
that stupid
Barbara Streisand song.
To this day, if I...
if I hear like even a...
a Muzak version of that song,
I get emotional.
- So, fuck you.
- Okay.
Seth: Fuck you for dying.
Fuck you for the fact
that we'll never know
what was going
through your head.
Or the fact
that we'll never know
what kind of pain you were in.
Oh, you'll know.
You'll learn all about that.
This is a little embarrassing,
but...
are you just a projection
of my conscience?
Whatever you need
to tell yourself.
If you need new analogy, you...
Seth: All right.
And the general idea here being
that you want me
to make changes.
Start live righteous,
stop making excuses
for all the shitty things
that I do in my personal and
- professional life, am I right?
- Yes, this is...
Yep, you're getting it. You
get... you're moving along now.
Seth: Uh- huh.
And you want me to stop
resenting the dead too,
- is that part of the deal?
- Worry about
the next life
when you get here, okay?
Seth: (scoffs) Huh. Yeah, well.
(sighs)
(exhales) I'm depressed.
(sighs) Can...
can we walk around
a little or something? I...
(crunching)
(munching) Stress eating.
You see that?
"Of course I do.
Why, I see everything.
I've got God on my side."
(Izzy laughing)
Hey, do you... do you like
ever see Babe Ruth up there?
Or down there, wherever.
DiMaggio?
- Izzy: Don't be an idiot.
- Seth: Okay, okay.
(machine beeping)
(scoffs)
Are you inhabiting
the, uh, cappuccino maker now?
That'd be fun. (chuckles)
(groans softly)
Hey, buddy, it's me,
your attorney.
Um... do me a favor,
give me a call
when you get a second.
Um... I... I'm thinking about
making some changes here
and, uh, I think
I've got to cease
our professional relationship.
(sighs) Uh, not that you need
any advice, but, um, you know,
I'm happy to refer you
to other counsel.
I'm sure they'd be
more than happy to have you.
Um... you know, it's not you,
it's me, homie.
I'm just... I'm thinking
I gotta get into
some more pro bono type work,
you know.
Little less pro boner,
little more pro bono.
(sighs) Sorry. Okay.
Bye.
(cell phone clatters)
Push- ups.
(grunts softly)
(grunting)
Hey, Dad?
If you can hear me...
I miss you.
I...
I'm sorry
about calling you spineless.
That was out of line.
(sighs)
- (wind gusting)
- (rumbling)
- (lamp shaking)
- Am I being raptured?
Or is it an actual earthquake?
Whoo! (laughs)
- Good! Good! (laughing)
- (laughs)
(birds chirping)
(soft melody playing
in the distance)
- (melody fades)
- (seagull squawking)
(kettle whistling)
(wind howling)
(kid laughing)
(birds tweeting)
- (funk jazz music playing)
- (indistinct chatter)
I don't assume anything
about anybody, you know.
I don't bring
any preconceptions here
because that's a way
to shut your mind off.
(chuckles)
- Sam: You're wrecked, girl.
- (chuckles)
Ah.
How many did you have
before I even show up?
- You pre- gaming...
- (laughs)
- ...pretty hard here, yeah.
- Well, wouldn't you...
wouldn't you want something
to take the edge off
before meeting someone as hot,
hot, hottie
with the body as you, sir?
(chuckles) Yeah.
Adrienne: What... but...
but seriously, like,
what... what's your
skin care regimen?
You should have
a YouTube channel.
And I should be watching it.
Your body is a temple.
So, sloppy drunk
is not exactly my thing, so.
Sorry. Bye.
Sloppy drunk
is every guy's thing!
(laughs) Who the fuck
do you think you are,
you judgmental piece of shit?
(indistinct chatter, muttering)
So sorry for the disturbance.
Enjoy your evenings.
Enjoy them.
(indistinct chatter)
Adrienne: I need another.
I surely do.
- James: Ma'am?
- Adrienne: Hmm?
Ma'am, excuse me?
Ma'am, I'm going
to have to ask you to leave.
- Adrienne: Fuck. Um...
- Yeah.
Adrienne: I'm... I'm a...
I'm a good person,
I just...
I got angry at this guy.
But, um... but I'm...
I'm a good customer,
- a loyal customer.
- And yet, it is time to go.
- A good tipper. (stutters)
- Let me walk you out.
Come on. Let's go.
Adrienne: You're the...
you're the owner, right?
I... I'm in here,
like, every week.
There's a...
there's a group of us.
- Uh- huh.
- Adrienne: We do...
we do a teachers'
happy hour thing.
- My purse, sorry.
- (music continues playing)
- (Adrienne groans)
- (loud thud)
I'm sorry. I...
appreciate the help. I'm fine.
- Ma'am.
- Adrienne: Um, one last thing.
What I would most like to do
is just sit down here
very, very quietly and sober up.
Like, maybe have some water
or coffee
if you think that
that's the way to go but, um...
I shouldn't drive. (chuckles)
James: You know,
I could call you an Uber.
Thank you.
I'll be... I'll be so quiet.
Like a little...
like a little church mouse.
Like a dormouse.
(whispering) Can I just
have like a large water?
- (chuckles)
- When you get the...
when you get the chance.
Which one's quietest?
Uh, church mouse, dormouse?
- Adrienne: Good question! Uh...
- (chuckles)
I don't know
anything about mice.
- Ah. Not a science teacher.
- No, definitely not.
(water pouring)
There.
You were roaring like a lion
at your friend there.
I know, and I'm...
I'm super sorry. I really am.
- What'd he do to you?
- (clicks tongue) Um...
I... I don't even know him.
I just... He seems
like a real asshat,
but, uh, I just swiped right,
you know.
Well, looks like
you swiped wrong.
(Adrienne sniggers)
- (laughs)
- Boo! (laughs)
Um...
well, not about him.
My self-esteem
is not so hot right now,
so, uh, I don't know... yelling.
James: Well,
you're very articulate.
Me teach English.
(water pouring)
James: Cheers.
Adrienne: Tell me
about the restaurant business.
- (chuckling)
- You know, I'd rather not.
What are you,
like, a rugged fisherman,
- Jimmy Buffett fan?
- Jimmy Buffett?
Adrienne: One day you were,
like, frying up
some flounder or something
and the other fellas on the boat
were like, "Hey, Captain,
you're really good at this.
You ought to start
a bar and grill."
Whoo, some big Buffett energy.
Are you married?
Put up... Show up...
show me your left hand.
(clicks tongue) Wow, okay,
so, either not married
or not wearing the ring.
Ooo-la-la, what happens
at the bar and grill,
stays at the bar and grill.
Well, nothing happens
at the bar and grill.
Adrienne: Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Adrienne: Really?
Not even after closing time?
You ever had, like,
a young, sexy bartender?
James: Ma'am. Ma'am.
Ah. Okay. Inappropriate. I know.
Sorry, I've read the handbooks.
I'm a teacher.
- Bad.
- (chair squeaking)
Seems like
you've had a tough day.
Adrienne: (clicks tongue)
Yeah. They're all tough, right?
Not supposed to be easy.
I have seen you
with your teacher gang.
You all seem to have
a lovely time together.
Maybe you get
a little bit silly,
you get your giggles going,
but then you all head off home
safely in a good mood.
That's exactly what this place
is supposed to be for, actually.
You noticed me.
- I know your group. (laughs)
- Yeah, but you noticed me.
I'm the sexy one.
Well, there's your self-esteem
roaring back.
That's not self-esteem.
You're a man,
old enough to be my dad...
Our kind of sexiness
isn't the kind that fades.
Don't let one douchey guy
from a... from a dating app
- throw you off.
- Adrienne: No?
God, you're laying it on
pretty thick, huh?
Trying to seduce
- the drunk teacher.
- (chuckles)
(laughs)
If you might recall, I'm the one
that's generously allowing you
to finish that water
before I evict you
from my premises.
And into your bed.
- Excuse me?
- On your houseboat.
- Come on.
- Adrienne: Arr, matey!
This seacraft is rocking,
- don't come a-knocking.
- It was, um, it was
- lovely chatting with you.
- (Adrienne laughing)
You can finish the water
if you want to.
And let me know
if you need that Uber.
Adrienne: Ah, come...
Take a fucking joke, man.
(chuckles)
(burps)
(glass thuds)
- James: Shirley Temple.
- Don't call me Shirley.
- James: You know, now, I am...
- What?
Well, I've treated women
disastrously in my life.
Of course, you have.
I mean, when I was younger,
like that date you had,
and more recently.
- (chuckles)
- No doubt.
But I'm trying
to do better, you know?
I'm trying to not lead
with fear and self-hate
because that's gotten me
into lots of trouble.
What am I... what is...
Am I in your men's group
with you?
James: Well, um...
what I mean is...
things can get better.
And, look,
I wouldn't be bothering
to try and cheer you up
if it weren't for the fact
that someone cheered me up
and made me feel good
about myself just recently
and I just really...
I really love the example
that that set...
- so...
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So... what's up, dude?
James: What do you mean?
Are you in love
with this person
who "cheered you up?"
How'd she blow your mind?
(chuckles) I do not know.
I don't...
I... I'm trying to figure
that out myself.
Adrienne: It sounds
pretty serious.
Well, we just met.
You and me, or you
and the magic healer lady
with the crystals in her pants
or whatever?
Did you, uh...
did you meet her here?
Uh, yes, we did. We did.
But that was incidental.
I mean, she wasn't, you know,
like, sitting at the bar
drowning her sorrows.
- No, of course not.
- James: And we left here.
We... well, um, I'm not gonna
narrate the whole thing,
but it was... it wasn't...
wasn't like this, you know,
certain power dynamic.
Is she 22?
James: She's not.
She's age appropriate.
- Thank you very much. (scoffs)
- Adrienne: Hmm.
- What'd you do to her?
- What did I do?
You took her home
and satisfied her,
- I'm assuming.
- A gentleman never tells.
Adrienne: Like she's
never been satisfied before.
Come on, you ain't no gentleman.
You're Jimmy Buffett
vibin' old man,
don't-even-know-your-
illegitimate-grandkids-names.
James: Oh, thank God.
You really are
an English teacher.
- (chuckles)
- Adrienne: I might not be
for much longer.
You're very funny.
Very funny, you know that.
- Adrienne: When I'm trashed.
- And you're smart.
I always thank God
that I'm not too smart.
All the really smart people
I know are just...
they just fucking
torture themselves.
All that sharp, sharp razor wit,
just like...you know...
(grunts)
Adrienne: You keep that
back there for self-defense?
In a way, yeah.
Shit, man,
don't you have work to do?
(pouring cocktail)
Me? Work? With my vibe?
Adrienne: Oh, you're shady.
Tell me something
positive about yourself.
Adrienne: Will you knock it off
with this Dr. Phil bullshit?
Go on. I mean, one thing.
I assume
you're an amazing teacher.
- Pfft!
- James: And you're the life
and soul, that's for sure.
- I mean, and that's...
- (chuckles softly)
...that can be a good thing,
you know.
People like that kind of...
that kind of energy
in their life.
You lift other people up
with you.
I mean, you've certainly
given my evening a lift.
Hmm. Um...
I'm a good driver
and I'm not just saying that
because I'm about to
walk out of here
still somewhat buzzed
and be, like, fucking impeccable
on the road home.
Um...
I have a good memory.
Steel trap.
I remember every fucked up thing
my mom and dad ever did,
- which freaks them out.
- Come on, come on.
Give me the good stuff.
The... the serious stuff.
- Oh, fuck. Um...
- Come on!
Okay.
I am smart.
I am kinda burnt out
on people ages,
I don't know, 14 to 50,
but I get along really well
with small children
and the elderly.
And I think
I treat them all right.
I am a good friend.
Faithful friend.
I give a phenomenal blow job.
I am diligent and determined.
I think I'm generally pretty
open-minded and curious.
And... I'm a good cook.
- I like myself. Okay?
- See, there you go.
Wasn't too hard.
Yeah, feel like
a million bucks, pal.
James: Hey, I was serious
about the Uber.
I have my own phone.
But I really appreciate
the chivalry, though.
But, um...
Phone number if you want.
But also my address
if you wanna Uber yourself over
and fuck the shit
out of a nice young,
young-ish, schoolteacher.
(sighs)
No?
Okay.
Huh. Wow.
(gasps)
- You were gonna do it!
- Oh, Jesus.
You were gonna do me!
You dirty, dirty, dirty...
I was just cleaning off the bar.
- Come on.
- Oh, my goodness.
What about your new girlfriend?
She was such a game-changer
until you forgot she existed!
Ma'am. Please.
"Ma'am." Okay,
leaving for real now.
Good night, creepo!
(music fades)
(upbeat music playing)
(music concludes)
(soft melody playing)
(melody stops playing)
(birds chirping)
(Lottie laughing)
(James laughing)
God, you are so beautiful.
Jesus.
Lottie: You're actually
gorgeous, though.
I'm older than you.
You know that, right?
I don't know.
- I mean, I don't know.
- Come on!
But it doesn't even matter
because you're a guy,
so, your average conquest is...
what, half my age?
James: Sure.
Well, actually,
it's two girls half your age.
But this just seemed
more convenient. (chuckles)
Listen, you don't wanna
go fishing around
in my sordid past right now.
- Hmm.
- James: Ya don't wanna do that.
Mm-mm. No, I don't.
Oh, no,
I scared you there, didn't I?
No, I'm not a murderer
or a pedophile
- or anything like that.
- Wonderful.
Ah, I'm spoiling
the mood already, aren't I?
No. No, no, no.
It... (sighs)
It's just weird, isn't it?
It's really weird.
Chemistry is weird. (chuckles)
Because... because I feel like
I got fucking smashed
on some really strong cocktails.
But instead
of having a hangover,
I feel like...
like fucking Superman. You know?
I feel like... (grunting)
(both laughing)
Look at those big man muscles.
Do you want some water?
I'm just gonna get
a glass of water.
(sighs)
I think you'd have to get
the fire department
to pull me out of this bed.
James: What, the Jaws of Life?
Hey, have you ever seen them
use that thing before?
- It's pretty amazing.
- No, I've not.
James: Yeah,
there was a big wreck
outside the restaurant
last year.
Actually, it was, uh,
quite horrifying,
to tell you the truth.
But, um, they did manage
to save the one young woman.
(water running)
(pants)
I don't even like this bed.
I keep saying
I need to get another bed.
- James: Huh?
- (water stops running)
Do you like the bed?
Ah, I'm biased.
You know, for me, it's like a...
like a taxi to paradise.
(gulps)
- You have to work today?
- No.
James: Well, I do.
But I do have
a couple of hours, and, um...
hey, I'm the boss,
so, I can do what I want.
I can call in sick.
Call in horny.
Ooh. No, don't call in horny.
(chuckling)
Okay. Okay. So, two thoughts.
We can make love,
or we can make breakfast.
And you should know,
I'm a fucking amazing cook.
How... how do you know
they saved the woman?
The what? Um... you mean,
the fire department?
Um, I don't really know.
I mean, I think
it was a successful extraction.
They definitely took her away
in an ambulance,
and I heard someone
whoop and cheer.
I mean, I didn't follow them
to the ER,
but it looked like
everything was going
according to plan over there.
What caused the accident?
James: The ac... I don't know.
I think it was a drunk.
I mean, and not from my place,
thank God.
The girl was drunk,
or the person driving
- was drunk?
- I don't... I don't know
who was in the other car.
And whatever was
going on over there
wasn't nearly as dramatic.
I'm just really sorry
I fucking brought this up,
because this has to be
the least sexiest conversation
- we could possibly be having.
- No, see, you have to work.
And so we need...
we need this transition, okay?
So, go, go and make
some coffee or something.
Yeah. Uh... yeah. (chuckles)
Look, I'm all distracted
with you prancing
around here, okay?
- So...
- I'm prancing? Okay. (laughing)
Or whatever
the manly word is for...
for driving a woman
crazy with desire, so...
Okay.
Lottie: (laughing)
Ah, you... boy,
you've... you really never
have been with a woman
your age before, have you?
I mean, this is, uh...
um... a little privacy,
you know?
I mean, I know
you saw the whole thing,
but that was another context.
This is... this, is, uh...
Yeah, middle- aged woman,
broad daylight, yeah.
And now you can
go down to the kitchen
and get a big knife
to murder me with.
Hey, if I was a serial killer,
wouldn't I have killed you
already?
Lottie: Yeah, but how would
you do it?
Turn around!
Um... I would slice
your heart out and eat it.
(laughing) But, uh...
I don't know.
It's so strange that
that's where your mind went.
- You are a weird one.
- Lottie: I know, I know.
I just have
a natural tendency to...
- Oh, right.
- Lottie: Yeah.
James: That would be
your business, isn't it?
Blood and guts.
Lottie: Hmm, it's not really,
but, you know, I just...
I try to pay attention.
I like the details.
Well, you know, me being me,
I'd, uh, cook
your chopped out heart.
I would roast it
with some shallots
and maybe a balsamic glaze.
Well, leave it juicy and rare.
Rare heart.
James: Yes, the rarest.
Lottie: Come on,
put your pants on.
Yes, ma'am.
(belt buckle clicking)
Lottie: So, when should
we see each other again?
Any time. I could call you
or I could text you.
You could pop by
the restaurant whenever.
Or, I don't know... look,
if I'm allowed to visit you
- at the hospital.
- Lottie: Clinic.
Yeah, no, but... no, no, I know.
But that's not really
what I'm saying.
See, I, uh... I...
Oh, man, I don't even know
what the...
- James: You know.
- I don't even know
- what the rules are anymore!
- Doesn't matter.
My place is, uh...
is public anyhow,
so anybody is welcome.
You're public.
No. (chuckles) Yes.
But you are especially
welcome is what I'm saying.
In a few days, tonight,
I would love to see you
again anytime.
I mean, aren't you
a little afraid
of fucking this up?
I mean, come on, man.
Hmm?
(clicks tongue, inhales sharply)
(birds chirping)
- (clicks tongue) No.
- Why not?
Well, we just started.
And, um... I don't know.
Uh, I'm an idiot.
I'm a man. I, uh... I like you.
That's it.
It's, uh...
You ever played sports?
Lottie: Yeah,
I was on the volleyball team.
Oh, of course, you were.
Of course, you were!
God, I would love to see you
in those little shorts.
- I don't have those anymore.
- I will get you a pair. I will.
But you know, like,
"One game at a time."
You've heard that, right?
You can't go into it
thinking about losing
because that's a recipe
for choking, right?
Lottie: I like your confidence.
Well, you were very confident
last night.
No, no. That was just
a low bullshit tolerance.
Because I'm old and cranky. I...
That's not the same
as confidence.
Last night?
Lottie: Last night, yeah.
Well, I'm not normally
like that, I...
I trusted you.
I don't know. You just...
you seemed to have a natural...
Idiocy. Yeah.
Women find that comforting.
- No, no, no. No.
- James: Dunno why. (scoffs)
I mean, you... you're kind.
I saw the way you treated
everyone around you,
and how they treated you.
James: I was trying
to impress you.
I really wanted to impress you.
- James: Well, good timing.
- Good timing.
- Stop repeating me.
- Sorry.
I'll tell you one thing
about timing.
And, um...
I mean, let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
I mean, let's not.
But maybe we're just
a couple of people
with maybe imperfect records
who have found each other
at exactly the right moment?
I... I don't know.
And maybe this is a paradox,
but I actually think, you know,
because people our age,
they have baggage, yeah?
They have so much baggage.
But see, me,
I am such a colossal fuckup
that I have hardly managed
to pick up any baggage.
I mean, it's like the bags
just kept going past me
on the conveyor belt,
and I just didn't pick
the fucking things up!
Does that make sense?
No. (chuckles softly)
James: Um...
Well, that concludes
this episode of Serious Talk.
I just...
I just mean, of course,
I want to see you again.
I can think of at least
40 other ways I really
- wanna make love to you.
- (sighs deeply)
And even if this turns out
to be the only connection,
I just think, I don't know...
it... you just...
I just think it's fantastic
and wonderful
to be able to feel like this.
- Much better than volleyball.
- (chuckles)
(James chuckles)
Please tell me if I'm digging
myself a grave here.
Because I have been known,
you know, to put the suit on,
dive right in there,
- and read my own eulogy...
- No.
I like what you have to say.
Oh, shit.
You're the serial killer.
Is that it?
(bed thumps)
Come on then.
- (bed thumps)
- Come on. Come and show me.
- If you think you're so bad...
- (bed thumps)
...come and I don't know,
fucking...
what are you gonna do,
put a pillow on my face?
(object clattering)
Just keep talking.
You're beautiful.
You're warm
and you're brilliant.
And all of that is just
fucking obvious to anyone
who's halfway paying attention.
- Do you believe me?
- Sure.
- James: No, fuck that.
- (chuckles softly)
- James: Do you believe me?
- No.
But not because I don't want to.
Do you fucking believe me,
- for Christ's sake?
- Yes, fine! Yes!
Yes?
- Lottie: Yes.
- Good. (chuckles softly)
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, my God, wait.
I do. I do have to go
in to work today.
My boss, she arranged
this special...
(clicks tongue)
...it's like a special
- training session. God.
- Yeah, no problem.
Are you late?
No, no, no. I'm not late. No.
I just... I just...
Oh, this was...
this was so, so nice.
And I'm gonna come visit you.
I'm gonna barge in
on you at work
and I'm gonna
embarrass you, okay?
You know, there's this new girl,
this... this young girl,
and the... and the truth is,
we... we never should have
hired her
- in the first place, you see?
- Uh, yeah.
Because... because she's not...
she's not qualified.
But she's... she's sweet.
I mean... I mean,
she means well,
but she, oh, she just needs
a lot of supervision.
So, I've kinda gotta get,
you know, remedial with her,
try to get her up to speed.
- Yeah.
- Lottie: I mean...
I could... I could...
I could never kill you
by putting a pillow
over your face
because you'd fight me off
with the big muscles,
so, that's a ridiculous idea.
Well, we'll have to resume
that discussion later, hey?
Lottie: I'd have to tie you
to the bed first.
- Huh!
- Lottie: You'd probably
be fine with that, I imagine.
You're sending
some mixed signals here.
Lottie: Am I really?
Yeah.
I don't want to leave either,
you know?
- I really don't.
- Lottie: No, you should.
You should. You have to.
James: This is getting
ridiculous now.
Do you know what,
I'm gonna rip off the band- aid
and run away,
because I can do that.
Lottie: Okay.
But this certainly
isn't goodbye, so...
Can you look at me?
(chuckles)
(door closing)
(sighs)
(birds chirping)
(clicking)
(pedal steel guitar playing)
(guitar stops playing)
I was so happy.
I mean, I was bursting
with happiness.
And I don't know what it was.
It was like the way
the... the light came
in the window,
or I don't know
but, all of a sudden,
I had a panic attack.
- And this man had to leave.
- Hmm.
Lottie: And, I mean, he was
getting ready to go anyway.
I mean, he had to go
to work for real.
I mean, at least,
I think for real.
Maybe he was just trying to
get away from me too, and...
No, he liked you.
You liked each other.
Lottie: Yeah.
That's good. And, you know,
you can't second guess.
- I... I sounded crazy.
- Well, men love crazy.
- And you didn't, I'm sure.
- No, I, um...
No, he was telling this story
about this drunk girl
that got in a car accident
outside his place,
and I took that girl
from his story
and in my imagination,
in my crazy head,
I said that I had to go
give her training at work.
Probably because
I wanted to call you
and beg you to come talk to me.
So, I was the crazy girl.
(chuckles softly)
- Yeah.
- (exhales)
Well, it felt really good.
He felt good.
Okay, come on.
What are we doing here?
I mean, I'm not one
of your girlfriends.
I'm your friend but...
why are we here?
Well... he made me feel
like anything was possible.
Joanna: Mm-hmm.
And I know that anything
is not possible.
- Joanna: Mm-hmm.
- But amidst everything,
there was a thought flickering
across my mind that...
that maybe I could have a drink.
That, you know,
it wouldn't matter.
That's a classic.
- I mean, sneaky one.
- Yeah, I guess.
I guess it's kind of obvious.
It was a first for me, though.
(chuckles softly)
Well, bless you,
but that's like the most
normal, common, garden variety
alcoholic magical thinking ever.
- Yeah. Textbook, right?
- Joanna: Yeah.
But, I mean, you had
your own feeling about it.
And, look, by the way,
this has nothing to do
with whether or not
you're in love.
I mean,
I certainly hope you are.
The disease just takes whatever
opportunity you give it.
That's why you're here
talking to me.
I'm not gonna let you slip.
Yeah, because you'd kick my ass.
- You're an asskicker.
- Don't flatter me.
You know, my last sponsor?
- Joanna: Alison.
- Yeah, Alison.
Joanna: Yeah. I know
she was an Earth mother
and an empath and not a weird
abrasive bitchy lady.
I mean... (sighs)
Well, that's why I asked you
to be my sponsor.
I mean,
not that you're "Bitchy."
- No, you're just...
- Hmm.
- ...not at all.
- You know why I love you?
- You're pure sunshine, y'know?
- (chuckles softly)
- "Anything is possible."
- Please.
Joanna: I'm not making fun
of you, I'm not.
It's just that you have
a way of making,
um, I mean, anything,
even a crisis, seem sweet,
and I treasure it.
Lottie: Listen,
I've never inventoried
my joy before.
I mean, fear and resentment,
yeah, all day every day.
I called Alison
a thousand times about...
- But, um... you know.
- Joanna: Sure.
You... you know
how it ended with her?
Joanna: No, I don't.
And I don't need to know
those details, sweetie.
Yeah, I mean,
why would you? (chuckles)
I know people adored her,
and I know that losing her
in your life
must have been
so, so hard for you.
Yeah, yeah, it was,
but it was also...
I mean, she was an old hippie,
yeah, for sure,
and she did
all of that commune life
and... and pretty much
any way a human being
could be dragged
through the gutter.
I mean, she...
she'd been through it,
she had seen it, and, uh,
lived it. (chuckles softly)
But as weird as stuff got, like,
I think she really just
approached it all
with a big, big heart.
I always had a hard time
with hippies.
Lottie: Well, she was sober
for a long time, you know.
She was actually sober
through some
of her most difficult times.
But like you, she was just
super dedicated.
- Joanna: Mm-hmm.
- But her husband, man.
He just, you know,
he just relapsed.
He was always relapsing
and, um...
He just was in a lot...
had a lot of problems.
I don't know.
It wasn't my business. But...
but she was super reliable,
and we talked every day.
And then there would be
these hints of things.
Like, uh, sometimes...
Well, just a couple of times,
but I heard this guy
like literally screaming
in the background,
like a... like a raving maniac.
And Alison, she would
just be cool as a cucumber.
At most she'd say,
"Let me call you back
in five minutes."
- So...
- (clicks tongue) Well,
she may...
- Uh... Maybe she...
- Maybe.
- ...shouldn't have been...
- I mean...
But she was very devoted to him.
Very devoted.
I mean, she would do
anything for anybody.
In fact, she had come
into some pretty good money,
like, ten years before
because she had sold
some real estate
that they'd had forever.
But then, by the end,
it was gone.
I mean, she'd basically...
she gave it away
to anyone that asked.
Joanna: That's a heart too big.
- Like you.
- No. No, no, no.
Not like me.
So um... (clicks tongue)
...she would tell me...
well, I would ask her
because I'm... I like to...
I like to know what's going on
with people, you know.
I like... is there a napkin
around here?
Uh...
(Joanna sighing)
(birds chirping)
(sniffles) So, there was
this homeless woman
who was sleeping in her car
outside of Alison's house.
Joanna: Mm-hmm.
And, you know, Alison,
um, of course, couldn't...
couldn't resist being nice
and so she...
she brought food
to the woman and, um...
- you know, lentil soup...
- Joanna: Hmm. I can smell it.
Oh, I like that stuff,
I like the macrobiotic.
Um, but Alison had been
homeless too, more than once.
And so she said to the woman,
"Look, you know, as long
as you're parked outside here,
um, you can... you can use
the shower in our house
if you... if you need to.
You know, mi casa, su casa."
- Joanna: Uh...
- Well, I...
I... I actually think
that's beautiful.
(inhales) But then
the next part is that
after a few weeks Alison,
you know, sensed something weird
or noticed something,
I don't know,
maybe it was obvious, um...
So, she confronts the woman
and she says,
"Look. I know you're having sex
with my husband.
And it's okay. I understand.
What I'd like to do,
with your permission,
is record it.
Record the sex and beam it out
into the universe."
(birds chirping)
She told you this?
Her first husband
had been an engineer,
and so she had some
of his old equipment.
Uh, radios, transmitters,
and I don't even know what else.
So, yes, she recorded the sex
and she beamed it
into outer space.
See, I think the thing was
is that she wanted
to make contact
with the extraterrestrial...
the... extraterrestrial
life forms... see, I don't know.
I don't even know
the right terminology.
Um, it's like,
the elders of their race
would communicate
with the elders of our race,
the dead people,
and then, they would pass
messages to her husband,
to her parents,
and we never spoke about it,
but I think that she had
lost a child years before,
which would make anybody crazy
for the rest of their life.
So, I don't even know
if she was crazy.
Stop... stop. Wait. (chuckles)
Stop. Yes, she was.
Sick. She was sick
and suffering.
I mean, very sick and suffering.
And it's so important
that you know that.
Lottie: Yeah, no,
I don't pretend to understand
all the stuff
she was talking about.
But she could be...
she could be very convincing.
So, she record...
she recorded this
and sent this out,
and she wasn't certain,
but she thought she was getting
something back.
See, it's like her mind
was trying to catch up
to her spirit,
which is where she was
very knowledgeable.
Um, she felt like
she was getting light,
pure light,
and it frustrated her
that she wasn't advanced
enough to...
to read the messages.
Yeah, I mean, I know it's...
it's some weird stuff
- but I um... but I loved her.
- Joanna: This is...
breaking my heart
as you tell me this.
Why?
Because this woman
shouldn't have been a sponsor.
This should not have happened,
and it's a testament
to your strength that you...
Well, she wanted
the best for me.
I mean, she wanted me
to receive that light too.
It's a red flag.
I mean... red fucking flag.
It's bright red.
See, a part of why
I like you so much
is that you're in touch
with your anger.
I'm... I'm open to...
yeah, I mean... I mean I...
I believe in spirit.
I believe in a higher power
for real.
Okay. Yes, I understand
what a higher power
means in my life...
I mean, we don't have to get
into a theology thing,
because I... I don't need
sponsorship to be about...
Okay, but can we please
see eye to eye
on the fact
that it's not fucking aliens
bathing you in a sex jacuzzi?
I mean, I'm sorry.
I'm out of line here,
but fuck that and fuck her
for sharing that,
- for exposing you to that.
- Lottie: Look, I am...
I am always open to anyone's
spiritual journey.
You know, if... if you wanna
put crystals on me or whatever.
I mean, I'm... I'm gonna
always say yes
because I think
goodness and beauty
flows through all of us
all the time.
If you let it.
Okay, look, I know,
I can see you're upset,
and I'm sorry. I understand.
I am telling you this,
so, that you understand
why I was listening to Alison.
So, anyways, we did some
light- bathing together,
and I don't know if I felt...
I don't know, but, I mean,
I felt the presence
of my grandmother, that's true,
but I often feel the presence
of my grandmother
and I don't... I don't think,
I don't know
if that's radio waves
or I don't know.
- But...
- (cell phone ringing)
Do you have to take that?
(cell phone ringing)
So, the... the husband,
not the... not the dead one,
the one that was still alive,
she had been giving him
some legal and, uh,
financial advice
from these signals
and it led
to some bad decisions.
So, he was in some trouble,
on top of the trouble
that he was always in,
and so she asked me to help her,
um, to do... to do some favors.
Um... Look, she had
some health issues,
so, it wasn't always easy
for her to get around,
so, I did some errands.
It's like, easy...
when it was just like
easy to drive a...
to drive and drop
a backpack off somewhere.
What was in the fucking
backpack?
I don't think
I did anything illegal,
and even if... even if I did,
I mean, it was...
I don't think
I'll get in trouble for it.
This was a couple years ago,
and anyways, whatever it was,
it was very small.
But then, you heard
they disappeared.
So... so I'm talking to Alison,
you know, as every day,
and she picks up as usual,
and this time I hear airport
announcements behind her,
and I ask, and she says
that she was going away.
And that we wouldn't
see each other again.
And that... that she would
always be with me.
(scoffs) She said it
as if she was boarding
a flight to Pittsburgh
or the same as ascending
to Heaven.
Or Centauri- Five.
And, I mean,
I'm not even telling you
half the things that she said,
things that she could've only
known by,
you know... through the divine,
or extrasensory or...
But... it's all about faith.
It's about faith.
And the way that Alison
believed in that stuff,
you know, the stuff
that scared me,
she also believed in me.
And so, I don't... I don't...
I don't know
if I'd be sitting here sober
- without that.
- No, no. Listen. No.
Don't go making her
your higher power.
I know. That's textbook too.
I know, right, but...
Joanna: No "But."
No, but. We lift each other up!
We... we feel things,
we feel things deep.
And you know, sure, yeah,
and there are people
who don't need other people,
God bless them.
My dad was one of those.
I mean, he could...
oh, he wanted nothing more
than just to go live
on a desert island
and... and watch
the birds fly around.
Me, I... I would slit my wrists.
I mean... I mean,
forget about a relapse,
I would... I would go...
- (inhales)
- ...straight to the razor,
if I couldn't share
my joy and pain with people.
So, I needed Alison.
Like I need you.
And God willing,
hopefully this man will be
part of the tapestry
of people that keep me up,
keep me above myself.
You know, we need...
we need each other. We...
you know that.
We can't do it alone.
(garage door whirring)
(soft melody playing)
(melody stops playing)
Adrienne: Um, let's see. Um...
all his written assignments
have been very good quality.
I have spoken to him about
presentation and formatting,
you know,
the occasional pizza sauce
on a piece of paper
or something,
which for boys this age,
you know, is incredibly common.
It's crazy the kind of things
and stains you'll see on paper.
But, um... but overall,
really good.
Really, really good.
I mean,
he's obviously very smart,
you don't need me
to tell you that.
He obviously gets it. (inhales)
And it's like,
sometimes, you know,
I'll get something wrong,
and he'll correct me.
Call me out on my mistake.
So, he's definitely sharp
like that.
He definitely gets it.
He's definitely
one of my favorites,
- he's a great kid.
- (school bell beeping)
Adrienne: God, I don't know
why they don't turn those off
for parent- teacher conferences.
(chuckles softly)
So, that's it from me.
So, like, good job,
let's keep it going.
He's, um, he's definitely
on track for his grade level,
so, we'll just keep the momentum
up and I guess...
(clicks tongue) Um,
less pizza stains
or... fewer pizza stains,
and, uh... (chuckles)
...and we're good.
So, do you have any questions
for me or...
Okay.
I do have a question. Um,
what do you do in here?
Like... day to day?
Um, we'll usually discuss
whatever the reading
assignment was,
and I'll lead the discussion,
but the kids are really engaged,
they bring so much to it.
Or we'll do specific exercises,
vocabulary, worksheets,
response journals,
or we'll do breakout groups.
We like to keep it fun.
I'm so sorry,
I... I don't understand.
I... I teach English.
How long is this class?
Like an hour, 45 minutes?
What are you doing
as those minutes are ticking by?
Sorry. Uh, ma'am, it seems like
you're upset with me,
and I'm not sure why
but if you'd like
to have a discussion...
Yes, good, I'd like
to have a discussion.
Um, my son is on his phone
during your class.
Um, my son is engaging
in perverse, criminal activity
on his phone during your class.
So, I want to know,
where are you?
- I'm not... I'm not...
- (Joanna sighs)
(objects clattering)
Joanna: Ah.
This is his phone.
(sighs) I have no idea
how he's pulling this off.
I don't know
if he's got it hanging
from a backpack strap or what.
I don't know. Do you know?
Triana: But, like,
the cool thing about it is
it's kind of universal.
Like, on one hand,
it's super, super specific
obviously, because not everyone
has been in prison
- or a political prisoner...
- I think in the porn industry,
this is known as an "Upskirt."
Triana: ...but on the other
hand, it's like kind of
a metaphor or whatever,
I think everyone who reads...
Joanna: You're disgusted.
I know.
It's disgusting.
Well, um, this is criminal,
and we should report it
- to the authorities.
- (exhales)
Well, as you can imagine,
I have mixed feelings
about turning my son
over to the police,
but I can't argue
that he doesn't deserve
punishment.
Do you know the girl
in question, by the way?
I mean, I'm not assuming you
recognize her underpants.
Okay, ma'am,
I... I think this is...
I think this is an important
conversation,
but I feel extremely
uncomfortable.
Ooh, me too.
I think we should just schedule
a meeting with the principal.
Joanna: Mm.
Well, we can do that.
Um, but there's one
other part...
- (sighs) No, I don't...
- ...I wanna show you.
- Donal: So stupid, like...
- You don't have to watch
- the video if you don't want.
- Donal: Seriously?
Adrienne: The point,
listen, the point is
that we all respect
each other in this room...
Triana: You're a fucking idiot.
- (Donal laughing)
- Adrienne: Hey!
- Triana: I'm talking to you.
- Adrienne: Listen...
- Donal: Ah, oh, I'm sorry.
- Adrienne: Respect is
- a two- way street here, buddy.
- Donal: I thought it was her.
- Adrienne: And...
- Donal: Oh, I'm sorry,
is there some reason
I'm supposed to respect you?
I know that kid.
- Adrienne: I am your teacher.
- He's a total prick.
- boy: Kick him out already!
- Adrienne: I'm about to,
believe me. I'm about to kick
all you fuckers the fuck out.
I don't come in here
to get shit on
- by you fucking clowns, okay?
- Adrienne: Ma'am...
(indistinct chatter)
- Donal: Oh, my God.
- Adrienne: You can suck my dick
- if you think...
- Ooh.
Believe it or not,
I can relate to you here, I can.
I'm not proud of it.
Why does the video go on
so long? Nothing happens.
How long does it take
for these guys on the Internet
to jack off?
(sighs)
What, do you want
to get me fired?
You bring that video
to the principal,
your son also gets arrested,
you know that.
I could just give them
the audio,
if that's what I wanted.
Don't be a dumb little girl.
I didn't say you were dumb.
I said don't be dumb.
Okay, you want to talk
about something?
Okay, let's not make it
this whole fucking harassment.
Joanna: They don't pay you
enough, I know.
And I agree, by the way.
My next parents are here, so...
Joanna:
It's not their time slot yet.
You gotta give me
my ten minutes.
I mean, Jesus,
this is the only time all year
I get to see my kid's teacher.
I'm always available for parents
and any of their concerns,
you know that.
Joanna: Oh, really?
I... no, I didn't.
Well, now you do.
Hmm.
Come on back. Come on.
I won't go overtime, I promise.
(sighs)
He's making money.
I guess there's some kind
of site they use,
or he uploads it somehow.
I don't know...
- Ma'am.
- ...if they put ads on it.
I... I mean... (clicks tongue)
...what would an English teacher
know about tech stuff, right?
- Ma'am!
- Joanna: What, dear?
- How can I help you?
- You can't. It's just...
- I know I seem angry.
- (sighs)
And that's correct, I am angry.
Why do you let him
bring a phone to school?
Joanna: Excuse me?
Why do I let him
bring his phone?
- There's a phones- off policy.
- (Joanna sighs)
Well, good. Great.
Um, it's a tracking device.
Do you understand?
I want to know
if he's in school,
and if he's not,
I want to know where he is.
And so I tell him to keep it
with him and to keep it on.
And you're supposed to
tell him not to whip it out.
What do you want to be doing?
Career- wise.
You're not happy teaching.
- So, what is it? Tell me that.
- Fuck you. No.
(sighs)
You just want to sit in silence
until the time runs out?
Until you're saved by the bell?
I mean, I know this seems
like a big
- impersonal system...
- (sniffles)
...but I am telling you,
it's very personal.
I, um...
It's very personal
to the parents
who entrust you
with their children every day.
It was true in kindergarten,
- and it's true now.
- I work hard. I do my best.
That's all
I'm going to tell you.
(sniffles)
I'm not a bad teacher.
Oh, sweetie, you are.
You slipped through the cracks.
I've had jobs...
- (sniffles)
- ...I didn't care about.
- I get it.
- No, I didn't say that.
But you don't know anything.
You really don't...
don't know anything.
(school bell beeping)
- Okay. I'm listening.
Excuse me? You're not my mom,
you're not my therapist.
You're just like
a crazy old bitch.
And I'm sorry, but you called me
a dumb little girl,
so, I think I have the moral
right to call you a bitch,
who came in here
and ambushed me
with all this shit
like it's my fault
or there's something wrong
with me
just because your son
is a fucked up evil perv.
- (door knocking)
- (Adrienne sniffles)
Joanna: I'm so sorry,
just one more minute,
we're almost done.
(exhales)
You want to be
a yoga instructor or...
a corporate executive?
Volunteer at the animal shelter?
What is it?
(clicks tongue)
I wanted to be a lawyer.
Well, really,
I think I wanted to be a judge.
(chuckles) You think
- I'm judgmental?
- (Adrienne scoffs)
None of this has anything
to fucking do with me,
- you hateful black hole.
- Wrong.
Your time is up. Go.
If it hurts, it has something
to do with you.
Adrienne: How does this have
anything to do with your son?
Like... like, do you even care
what he does in my class?
- Like, do you read his papers?
- (chuckles)
Uh, do I want to know
a 16- year- old pervert's
insights into the oeuvre
of Toni Morrison?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Joanna: I was a worse fuckup
than you when I was your age.
So, no law school for me.
Ooh, we're almost out of time.
Do you want a minute
to get your composure
before, um,
Christiane's parents?
Oh, God, I hope that's not her
on the Internet. Ugh.
I don't mean to torture you.
I really don't.
I do want to help you.
Get the fuck
out of my classroom! Go!
- They can hear you.
- Adrienne: Go!
Deep breaths. (inhales)
Deep breaths. (exhales) Okay?
Adrienne: You're a bad mother.
(door squeaking)
(door closing)
(inhales, exhales)
(toilet flushing)
(water running)
(sighs)
(soft melody playing)
(melody stops playing)
Yeah, no one's saying
that you invented porno.
That's not the issue here.
The issue here
is that you have created
and are profiting
off an infrastructure
which allows, and,
they're claiming, not me,
actively encourages minors
to produce and consume
inappropriate and frequently
- illegal content.
- (church bells ringing)
Okay.
You know, and then
these kids get paid for it.
That's... that puts you
in the position of being...
- (beeping)
- of being... uh, uh...
- (machine beeping)
- Uh...
Listen, the law is mostly
on your side here actually.
But you're... you're creating
additional challenges
for yourself.
- What... what is that?
Is that your...
fucking balls monitor just
telling you that you're empty?
Seth: Yeah. Yep, that's right.
How did you know? It's, uh...
I'm low on jism.
I've gotta go, uh, get some.
Would you mind, uh, if I just
go chug some for a second
and get my levels back up?
One sec.
(humming) Oh, whoops. Shit.
What the f... Oh, no.
You're a platform developer.
You don't curate content,
you're not a content
creator, okay?
Ninety- five percent
of the videos that you host
are cooking videos, or viral
dance videos, kitty cats.
- Sam: Yeah. But I do curate.
- Seth: You don't! You don't!
And don't ever say
that you do in a deposition.
I kick people off,
that's curation.
So, boost people I like.
Seth: Right.
Who do you kick off?
Whoever the fuck I feel like.
Seth: But not masturbating
16-year-olds.
No, because that's nature.
And why would I fight
against that?
(exhales)
Automatic cappuccino maker.
Really good.
(exhales) Like, really good.
It's... it's amazing.
Yeah, I mean,
I used to have one
of those big fucking
Italian barista machines,
you know, but I hated it.
I... I couldn't do it
and it required
all this maintenance.
It's like, you know,
I'm not trying to own
a fucking Ferrari here,
I just wanna stay awake
a little bit
and get some enjoyment
out of life.
You know that girl
in Paris was underage, right?
Seth: That's not funny.
I don't know what you're doing
but it's not funny.
The, uh... the party.
Yes, I talked to...
I talked to a girl
at the very stupid party
you dragged me to in Paris.
I'm just saying
that she was underage.
Seth: I know that, dipshit.
We were talking about her...
her university applications.
But I never laid a hand
on this person,
nor would I, so, fuck you,
and... and fuck you!
You want to release a statement?
Seth: No.
(sighs)
"Information wants
to be free..." (grunts)
Seth: That's not a statement.
"And if that sounds
deadeningly familiar,
it's because it's never
not been true."
Seth: That's not a statement.
"Capitalism is an engine.
Technology is a lubricant."
Seth: Look, man.
"And the freedoms that undergird
- a legitimate democracy...
- Seth: I just don't wanna dig
your grave
for you, all right?
For one thing...
- ...are inherently
open source."
- ...I care about you.
And, um, for another,
I think that you made something
important. Really important.
Could be really important,
if you don't piss it all away.
Have I done anything illegal?
Seth: I don't know. Probably.
I don't know. When?
(clicks tongue)
Professionally, limpdick.
Seth: I don't know that either.
And I don't want to know.
My job is to anticipate
and make sure
that you're adequately
prepared for
and defended
from specific challenges.
Sam: Hmm.
- Fuck you. You're fired.
- (cell phone clatter)
(Sam sighs)
(exhales)
I suppose this is an example
of your famously awful
sense of humor?
(grunts)
(clicking)
(sighs)
Yeah, if not, que ser, ser.
Because you want to know...
you want...
you want to know the truth?
Hmm?
As your friend,
not as your lawyer,
because if you're serious,
if you were serious,
then... then
I'm not your lawyer, right?
So, as your friend,
I feel bad for you.
I feel bad for you
because I think that you,
you live your life in fear,
man.
And I know you...
you walk around,
you jut out your chest,
your big manly chest,
you're a fucking ambitious kid
who's shaking things up
and "Disrupting,"
but you're not...
you... (sighs)
...you've got a...
you've got a disruptive mind.
You do. And you know what?
You're afraid.
You're afraid of success.
Now, I know you can say,
"Well, I made all this money,
and Bitcoin,
and fuckton and whatever."
And I totally get it
and I respect that,
because I'm a capitalist too.
But, man, I... I've never seen
anyone less interested
in taking responsibility,
more evasive,
while simultaneously
being too stubborn
to know this about yourself
and let people, other people,
more responsible people
pamper your ass,
which is all anybody
ever wanted to do,
you entitled fuck.
- Just gonna read from the...
- (sighs)
...the letter I sent you.
How are you still talking?
Seth: "While
we've never expected
your professional conduct
to reflect
any personal sense of decency,
we must expect at the very
least
that you will respect your own
self- preservation instinct
and comply with the existing
court orders
rather than risking
the complete annihilation
of your remaining corporate
assets and 'reputation.'"
And... (chuckles) ...they put
"reputation" in quotes
which I think is rather funny.
I mean, it's good writing,
uh, poetic. Um...
- Goodbye.
- Bye. Good. Great. I dare you.
- I fucking dare you.
- (line whistles)
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
(keyboard keys clacking)
- (line whistles)
- (clicks tongue) Can you
see me?
Ask yourself
if you could have built
what you built without me.
Honestly, ask yourself,
if we're more powerful together,
or apart.
Sam: That's it? That...
that's all you got?
Yeah, well,
I'm not gonna sit here
and plead and debase myself.
Sam: Uh, I mean,
you do keep telling me
I'm your only
major client anymore.
I'm pretty sure
your wife is gonna fuck you
in the divorce.
Seth: Yeah, we're not getting
a divorce.
Oh, that's...
that's... I'm glad to hear.
(laughs) That's awesome.
Seth: We're figuring things out.
(sighs) Yeah.
You'll be all right.
Kristine is cool. She...
she's gonna put
the kids first at least.
Yo, where is your
hot wife right now?
Where are the kids?
None of your fucking business.
They're with her parents
for next couple weeks. (exhales)
The point is...
I love you.
- (laughs)
- Seth: Of course I do.
Probably more
than anybody else does.
What? Is that...
am I... am I crazy?
Is that so wrong?
I mean, do you remember the
first time, um, that we met?
At the... we got a beer
at the... that bar.
Oh, what was the name
of that place?
I don't know, it's... it had
the dance music like a...
(imitates upbeat music)
I mean, I don't even know
how they let you in the place.
You didn't look like you were
more than 12 years old to me
at the time, and...
Yeah, that was like
three years ago.
Seth: Well, you looked young.
And you acted young.
And I still think you'd a lot
to learn about the world.
And, I mean, I did too.
- Hmm.
- Seth: I... I did too.
- But...
- (sniffs)
...taking this journey
with you... and helping you,
uh, achieve your dreams
of financial success...
it's... it's been
a wonderful education.
But the... the one thing
I'll... I'll never forget,
despite, you know,
how much of an asshole
you've been to me over the years
and probably right now...
is I'll always say to myself,
"That kid trusted me."
That I don't take for granted.
- It's like...
- Hmm.
...have you ever been
in love for real?
I mean, I...
I know you've fucked.
You've fucked your cock off
and I've heard you
speak admiringly
about various ladies,
but, I mean, have you...
have you even been in love?
You're the worst lawyer
in the world.
- You... you know that, right?
- Seth: Hmm...
No. But you can go ahead,
continue to impugn my character
- all you want.
- Sam: Look,
I didn't keep you around
this long
because I thought
you were competent.
Seth: Right.
- Hey, you're a great dude.
- (Seth laughing)
I know.
I mean, you're a piece
of shit... (laughs)
...yeah, but...
but I love you too.
You're too much fun,
you goofy bitch.
Too much motherfucking fun!
So, no matter what happens...
always know that I love you.
And, yes, okay,
I know what love is.
Seth: Do you?
I mean, do you...
do you think
you'll ever get married?
Yeah, man. Yeah.
I could definitely
raise some kids, fuck yeah.
- Seth: Yeah.
- But I'm talking... (sighs)
I'm tapping into...
all of love. You know...
family, romantic, sexual,
love of mankind,
love of the Lord, all of it.
Wow.
So, you're all religious now
and shit?
- (laughs)
- Seth: Now, are you
fucking with me?
- Look...
- Ha- ha.
Sam: I wanna
keep working with you.
So, let's work together, hmm?
- My only condition...
- Seth: Mm-hmm.
Listen, man...
is that... you know...
no more little ideas.
Let's do something big
and majestic together.
- Seth: Yeah.
- Okay?
Peace. I love you, dawg.
(line whistles)
Peace.
(jazz melody playing)
(clinking)
(melody stops playing)
(clinking, clattering)
(Seth exhales)
Ah, fuck!
(pants)
(sniffling)
For real?
(sighs)
I'm sorry, I can't. I can't.
I'm so tired.
(exhales, groans softly)
Not trying to make excuses here,
but I... I'm exhausted.
You know? (sighs)
I mean, I tried.
(sighs) I mean, sort of I did.
You... you gotta...
you gotta deal with the world
you've got,
not the one you want,
and you gotta be willing
to make compromises.
Does that mean you're damning
your soul to Hell?
Does it?
Yeah, it does, actually.
Seth: Hell?
Hell, Hell?
(sighs)
I don't believe in Hell.
You don't either. (sighs)
Eternity. It's just another word
for consequences.
Anyway, it's a long time, bubbe.
- (sighs)
- Seth: Hell for what?
That seems a little extreme,
- if you ask me.
- (coughs)
I mean, say what you will
about a lot of things,
and I would say... that the only
thing that really matters...
The only, you know, the only way
you can really judge a man,
or me, on,
is what kind of a father
have I been to my girls.
You know? Imperfect?
Definitely. Definitely.
But committed, devoted.
You know that.
Everybody knows that.
(blows air) Boo- yah.
Plus, I'm a pretty good
lawyer too.
I mean, despite what certain
fuckwit clients might say,
and I know you know that.
(clears throat)
Would you please stop
staring at me like that?
Just sitting there
presuming a moral authority.
- But I don't trust ghosts.
- I'm not presuming anything.
You just started talking.
Seth: Okay, you're right.
You know what, go ahead.
Bring it on.
I mean, I know
you've been gone for a while,
so, just to bring you up
to speed,
Kristine has told me
plenty about my deficiencies
over the last several years,
so, I'm pretty well informed
in that regard.
(inhales)
- Seth: But...
- (exhales)
...how do you measure a man?
By his choices, certainly,
but I also pose to you this...
Are you arguing a case here?
Don't open your mouth
if you haven't prepped.
Seth: I know that.
You taught me that.
I just wanna
have a conversation about
choices versus
circumstances, okay? Okay.
Fuck, you loved baseball! Right?
Could you choose
to be a major leaguer? No.
But you did the best you could
with what you had,
and you accepted that
with dignity.
By the way,
I always think of you
as a man
with exceptional dignity.
I still do.
So, what, you're...
you're expecting me to believe
that you're...
you're burning in Hell?
- (sniffs)
- (clears throat) Come on.
I'm here. I'm here.
(gulps) Can I get
some more water, please?
Is that allowed?
(sighs)
I wish I smoked.
(sighs)
Ah, of course, you know...
(water running)
...more than...
Make yourself at home.
I... I'd get you water
but I, you know...
- (laughing)
- (sighs)
Izzy: Congratulations,
that's terrific.
(Seth sighing)
(sighing)
What would a good man do?
Get in the car...
be up there by...
a little bit before breakfast,
surprise Kristine and the kids.
Of course, there was a reason
I wasn't invited on this trip.
Plus, her father
would murder me,
which kinda ruins breakfast.
You ever fart somewhere,
like a, um, a car
or an elevator maybe,
and think, if I just inhale
enough of this fart myself,
that'd be like a public service?
You know, like, if...
if I can filter
enough of this air myself,
it's like a service to others,
and... in fact, I might just
get away with it,
and... and they'll be none
the wiser for my efforts.
Extremely private,
extremely personal, I know.
But isn't it
a kind of a metaphor
for sin in general?
(clicks tongue)
Were you a dandruff
sufferer perchance?
I still do get outbreaks
in my eyebrows
- from time to time...
- (wind gusting)
Nah, come on.
You know what, not constructive.
(gusting stops)
(sighs)
Say hi to my dad,
would you?
Ask him why he's not here
doing this.
(sighs)
Seems like
this ought to be his job.
Seems pretty spineless
to send you.
Izzy: Your father loves you.
- I thought you loved me too.
- Yeah, I do, but...
I'm not afraid to kick your ass.
Seth: (laughing) Yeah.
I was at your funeral.
- I cried.
- (sighs)
I cried so much.
I hope you saw that.
I hope it made you feel bad.
I cried when your niece sang
that stupid
Barbara Streisand song.
To this day, if I...
if I hear like even a...
a Muzak version of that song,
I get emotional.
- So, fuck you.
- Okay.
Seth: Fuck you for dying.
Fuck you for the fact
that we'll never know
what was going
through your head.
Or the fact
that we'll never know
what kind of pain you were in.
Oh, you'll know.
You'll learn all about that.
This is a little embarrassing,
but...
are you just a projection
of my conscience?
Whatever you need
to tell yourself.
If you need new analogy, you...
Seth: All right.
And the general idea here being
that you want me
to make changes.
Start live righteous,
stop making excuses
for all the shitty things
that I do in my personal and
- professional life, am I right?
- Yes, this is...
Yep, you're getting it. You
get... you're moving along now.
Seth: Uh- huh.
And you want me to stop
resenting the dead too,
- is that part of the deal?
- Worry about
the next life
when you get here, okay?
Seth: (scoffs) Huh. Yeah, well.
(sighs)
(exhales) I'm depressed.
(sighs) Can...
can we walk around
a little or something? I...
(crunching)
(munching) Stress eating.
You see that?
"Of course I do.
Why, I see everything.
I've got God on my side."
(Izzy laughing)
Hey, do you... do you like
ever see Babe Ruth up there?
Or down there, wherever.
DiMaggio?
- Izzy: Don't be an idiot.
- Seth: Okay, okay.
(machine beeping)
(scoffs)
Are you inhabiting
the, uh, cappuccino maker now?
That'd be fun. (chuckles)
(groans softly)
Hey, buddy, it's me,
your attorney.
Um... do me a favor,
give me a call
when you get a second.
Um... I... I'm thinking about
making some changes here
and, uh, I think
I've got to cease
our professional relationship.
(sighs) Uh, not that you need
any advice, but, um, you know,
I'm happy to refer you
to other counsel.
I'm sure they'd be
more than happy to have you.
Um... you know, it's not you,
it's me, homie.
I'm just... I'm thinking
I gotta get into
some more pro bono type work,
you know.
Little less pro boner,
little more pro bono.
(sighs) Sorry. Okay.
Bye.
(cell phone clatters)
Push- ups.
(grunts softly)
(grunting)
Hey, Dad?
If you can hear me...
I miss you.
I...
I'm sorry
about calling you spineless.
That was out of line.
(sighs)
- (wind gusting)
- (rumbling)
- (lamp shaking)
- Am I being raptured?
Or is it an actual earthquake?
Whoo! (laughs)
- Good! Good! (laughing)
- (laughs)
(birds chirping)
(soft melody playing
in the distance)
- (melody fades)
- (seagull squawking)
(kettle whistling)
(wind howling)
(kid laughing)
(birds tweeting)
- (funk jazz music playing)
- (indistinct chatter)
I don't assume anything
about anybody, you know.
I don't bring
any preconceptions here
because that's a way
to shut your mind off.
(chuckles)
- Sam: You're wrecked, girl.
- (chuckles)
Ah.
How many did you have
before I even show up?
- You pre- gaming...
- (laughs)
- ...pretty hard here, yeah.
- Well, wouldn't you...
wouldn't you want something
to take the edge off
before meeting someone as hot,
hot, hottie
with the body as you, sir?
(chuckles) Yeah.
Adrienne: What... but...
but seriously, like,
what... what's your
skin care regimen?
You should have
a YouTube channel.
And I should be watching it.
Your body is a temple.
So, sloppy drunk
is not exactly my thing, so.
Sorry. Bye.
Sloppy drunk
is every guy's thing!
(laughs) Who the fuck
do you think you are,
you judgmental piece of shit?
(indistinct chatter, muttering)
So sorry for the disturbance.
Enjoy your evenings.
Enjoy them.
(indistinct chatter)
Adrienne: I need another.
I surely do.
- James: Ma'am?
- Adrienne: Hmm?
Ma'am, excuse me?
Ma'am, I'm going
to have to ask you to leave.
- Adrienne: Fuck. Um...
- Yeah.
Adrienne: I'm... I'm a...
I'm a good person,
I just...
I got angry at this guy.
But, um... but I'm...
I'm a good customer,
- a loyal customer.
- And yet, it is time to go.
- A good tipper. (stutters)
- Let me walk you out.
Come on. Let's go.
Adrienne: You're the...
you're the owner, right?
I... I'm in here,
like, every week.
There's a...
there's a group of us.
- Uh- huh.
- Adrienne: We do...
we do a teachers'
happy hour thing.
- My purse, sorry.
- (music continues playing)
- (Adrienne groans)
- (loud thud)
I'm sorry. I...
appreciate the help. I'm fine.
- Ma'am.
- Adrienne: Um, one last thing.
What I would most like to do
is just sit down here
very, very quietly and sober up.
Like, maybe have some water
or coffee
if you think that
that's the way to go but, um...
I shouldn't drive. (chuckles)
James: You know,
I could call you an Uber.
Thank you.
I'll be... I'll be so quiet.
Like a little...
like a little church mouse.
Like a dormouse.
(whispering) Can I just
have like a large water?
- (chuckles)
- When you get the...
when you get the chance.
Which one's quietest?
Uh, church mouse, dormouse?
- Adrienne: Good question! Uh...
- (chuckles)
I don't know
anything about mice.
- Ah. Not a science teacher.
- No, definitely not.
(water pouring)
There.
You were roaring like a lion
at your friend there.
I know, and I'm...
I'm super sorry. I really am.
- What'd he do to you?
- (clicks tongue) Um...
I... I don't even know him.
I just... He seems
like a real asshat,
but, uh, I just swiped right,
you know.
Well, looks like
you swiped wrong.
(Adrienne sniggers)
- (laughs)
- Boo! (laughs)
Um...
well, not about him.
My self-esteem
is not so hot right now,
so, uh, I don't know... yelling.
James: Well,
you're very articulate.
Me teach English.
(water pouring)
James: Cheers.
Adrienne: Tell me
about the restaurant business.
- (chuckling)
- You know, I'd rather not.
What are you,
like, a rugged fisherman,
- Jimmy Buffett fan?
- Jimmy Buffett?
Adrienne: One day you were,
like, frying up
some flounder or something
and the other fellas on the boat
were like, "Hey, Captain,
you're really good at this.
You ought to start
a bar and grill."
Whoo, some big Buffett energy.
Are you married?
Put up... Show up...
show me your left hand.
(clicks tongue) Wow, okay,
so, either not married
or not wearing the ring.
Ooo-la-la, what happens
at the bar and grill,
stays at the bar and grill.
Well, nothing happens
at the bar and grill.
Adrienne: Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Adrienne: Really?
Not even after closing time?
You ever had, like,
a young, sexy bartender?
James: Ma'am. Ma'am.
Ah. Okay. Inappropriate. I know.
Sorry, I've read the handbooks.
I'm a teacher.
- Bad.
- (chair squeaking)
Seems like
you've had a tough day.
Adrienne: (clicks tongue)
Yeah. They're all tough, right?
Not supposed to be easy.
I have seen you
with your teacher gang.
You all seem to have
a lovely time together.
Maybe you get
a little bit silly,
you get your giggles going,
but then you all head off home
safely in a good mood.
That's exactly what this place
is supposed to be for, actually.
You noticed me.
- I know your group. (laughs)
- Yeah, but you noticed me.
I'm the sexy one.
Well, there's your self-esteem
roaring back.
That's not self-esteem.
You're a man,
old enough to be my dad...
Our kind of sexiness
isn't the kind that fades.
Don't let one douchey guy
from a... from a dating app
- throw you off.
- Adrienne: No?
God, you're laying it on
pretty thick, huh?
Trying to seduce
- the drunk teacher.
- (chuckles)
(laughs)
If you might recall, I'm the one
that's generously allowing you
to finish that water
before I evict you
from my premises.
And into your bed.
- Excuse me?
- On your houseboat.
- Come on.
- Adrienne: Arr, matey!
This seacraft is rocking,
- don't come a-knocking.
- It was, um, it was
- lovely chatting with you.
- (Adrienne laughing)
You can finish the water
if you want to.
And let me know
if you need that Uber.
Adrienne: Ah, come...
Take a fucking joke, man.
(chuckles)
(burps)
(glass thuds)
- James: Shirley Temple.
- Don't call me Shirley.
- James: You know, now, I am...
- What?
Well, I've treated women
disastrously in my life.
Of course, you have.
I mean, when I was younger,
like that date you had,
and more recently.
- (chuckles)
- No doubt.
But I'm trying
to do better, you know?
I'm trying to not lead
with fear and self-hate
because that's gotten me
into lots of trouble.
What am I... what is...
Am I in your men's group
with you?
James: Well, um...
what I mean is...
things can get better.
And, look,
I wouldn't be bothering
to try and cheer you up
if it weren't for the fact
that someone cheered me up
and made me feel good
about myself just recently
and I just really...
I really love the example
that that set...
- so...
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So... what's up, dude?
James: What do you mean?
Are you in love
with this person
who "cheered you up?"
How'd she blow your mind?
(chuckles) I do not know.
I don't...
I... I'm trying to figure
that out myself.
Adrienne: It sounds
pretty serious.
Well, we just met.
You and me, or you
and the magic healer lady
with the crystals in her pants
or whatever?
Did you, uh...
did you meet her here?
Uh, yes, we did. We did.
But that was incidental.
I mean, she wasn't, you know,
like, sitting at the bar
drowning her sorrows.
- No, of course not.
- James: And we left here.
We... well, um, I'm not gonna
narrate the whole thing,
but it was... it wasn't...
wasn't like this, you know,
certain power dynamic.
Is she 22?
James: She's not.
She's age appropriate.
- Thank you very much. (scoffs)
- Adrienne: Hmm.
- What'd you do to her?
- What did I do?
You took her home
and satisfied her,
- I'm assuming.
- A gentleman never tells.
Adrienne: Like she's
never been satisfied before.
Come on, you ain't no gentleman.
You're Jimmy Buffett
vibin' old man,
don't-even-know-your-
illegitimate-grandkids-names.
James: Oh, thank God.
You really are
an English teacher.
- (chuckles)
- Adrienne: I might not be
for much longer.
You're very funny.
Very funny, you know that.
- Adrienne: When I'm trashed.
- And you're smart.
I always thank God
that I'm not too smart.
All the really smart people
I know are just...
they just fucking
torture themselves.
All that sharp, sharp razor wit,
just like...you know...
(grunts)
Adrienne: You keep that
back there for self-defense?
In a way, yeah.
Shit, man,
don't you have work to do?
(pouring cocktail)
Me? Work? With my vibe?
Adrienne: Oh, you're shady.
Tell me something
positive about yourself.
Adrienne: Will you knock it off
with this Dr. Phil bullshit?
Go on. I mean, one thing.
I assume
you're an amazing teacher.
- Pfft!
- James: And you're the life
and soul, that's for sure.
- I mean, and that's...
- (chuckles softly)
...that can be a good thing,
you know.
People like that kind of...
that kind of energy
in their life.
You lift other people up
with you.
I mean, you've certainly
given my evening a lift.
Hmm. Um...
I'm a good driver
and I'm not just saying that
because I'm about to
walk out of here
still somewhat buzzed
and be, like, fucking impeccable
on the road home.
Um...
I have a good memory.
Steel trap.
I remember every fucked up thing
my mom and dad ever did,
- which freaks them out.
- Come on, come on.
Give me the good stuff.
The... the serious stuff.
- Oh, fuck. Um...
- Come on!
Okay.
I am smart.
I am kinda burnt out
on people ages,
I don't know, 14 to 50,
but I get along really well
with small children
and the elderly.
And I think
I treat them all right.
I am a good friend.
Faithful friend.
I give a phenomenal blow job.
I am diligent and determined.
I think I'm generally pretty
open-minded and curious.
And... I'm a good cook.
- I like myself. Okay?
- See, there you go.
Wasn't too hard.
Yeah, feel like
a million bucks, pal.
James: Hey, I was serious
about the Uber.
I have my own phone.
But I really appreciate
the chivalry, though.
But, um...
Phone number if you want.
But also my address
if you wanna Uber yourself over
and fuck the shit
out of a nice young,
young-ish, schoolteacher.
(sighs)
No?
Okay.
Huh. Wow.
(gasps)
- You were gonna do it!
- Oh, Jesus.
You were gonna do me!
You dirty, dirty, dirty...
I was just cleaning off the bar.
- Come on.
- Oh, my goodness.
What about your new girlfriend?
She was such a game-changer
until you forgot she existed!
Ma'am. Please.
"Ma'am." Okay,
leaving for real now.
Good night, creepo!
(music fades)
(upbeat music playing)
(music concludes)