There's a Zombie Outside (2024) Movie Script
1
[static droning]
[garbled dialogue from TV]
[unsettling rhythmic music]
[birds chirping]
[yawning]
Oh, welcome back to
the land of the living.
Was I out long?
Long enough.
Not that it matters.
You guys know that
I always need a nap
after a boozy brunch.
Don't let him push your buttons.
It's your birthday. You do
whatever the fuck you want.
Is that Adam?
Your man awaits.
Why are you always such trash?
What'd I do?
You're up!
Yeah, sorry.
Those mimosas
hit me pretty hard.
Ah. Well, that's the cost
of wild living.
Yeah. Not wild enough
for some, apparently.
What do you mean?
Zeke just keeps making
these little comments
that suggest that
he's not exactly thrilled
with the weekend's festivities.
Or, you know, lack thereof.
Whatever.
Not everything's some
big Fire Island bender.
I mean, the whole idea
that all gay getaways
have to be substance-abusing,
sex-filled chaos is reductive.
So you're not, like, mad
that there's not more to do?
Or that your boyfriend
is sleeping the day away?
Absolutely not.
I mean, the whole point
of this vacation
is to do absolutely
nothing, right?
Besides, when I came in earlier
to check up on you,
you looked so cute,
all wrapped up in your blankets.
Snoozing to one of those
stupid films that you love.
The work of Ted V. Michaels
is not stupid.
It's just,
you know, misunderstood.
Well, not that it matters.
I must have slept
through the whole thing.
When I woke up,
there was just dead air.
Well, next time we're in
the bedroom, we'll be...
I don't know, revving things up?
[wind rustling]
[low rumbling]
-[roaring]
-Oh my god!
What the hell?
What the fuck?
Did you see?
See what?
It was watching us.
It? I--
What are you talking about?
Out there.
I don't see anything.
[Adam] It-- it was there.
It was.
What?
I don't know how else
to say this, but...
[creature screaming]
[frightening music]
[Ollie]
Could you say that again?
I told you,
there is a zombie outside.
Or at least something
that looks like a zombie.
I thought you said we weren't
bringing party drugs
this weekend.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
You know how that sounds, right?
Maybe you've been watching
too many of those movies.
Oh, okay.
What actually happened?
Well, we were having
an intimate moment.
An intimate moment?
Were you two gonna fuck
in the kitchen?
We make food in here.
Zeke, it's--
Continue.
And I looked outside,
and there was someone
out there watching us.
Like-- like, hardcore.
Now, when you say "hardcore..."
Zeke!
I don't see anyone.
Well, yeah,
they probably ran away
during all of the commotion,
but there was someone out there.
I-- I swear!
All right, then.
Let's go take a look.
I'm sorry, what?
Well, as far as I know,
the closest house
is a good mile and a half
down the road, so, uh...
If someone's
wandering around outside,
I think we should probably know.
So you want us to go look
for a peeper.
Have you watched any
of the true crime documentaries
that I recommended?
Well, if you'd bother to take
any of the CrossFit classes
that I recommended...
You wouldn't have anything
to worry about.
Bitch, how very dare.
If anything,
I am the muscles of the group.
Okay, uh, are we
gonna do this, or what?
[Ollie clearing throat,
exhaling]
I mean, i-is it too late
to vote for or what?
[eerie keyboard music]
Anybody see anything?
What if it went into the woods?
Wouldn't be very smart.
Neither is assuming an intruder
is gonna stick to
the manicured parts of the lawn.
The only reason
-that we were out here...
-[screaming]
What?
-What is it?
-There.
Do you see it?
See what?
That... monster...
is...
jogging?
You made it sound like
something was wrong.
Well, there could be,
if he's solely relying
on cardio for exercise.
He's such an idiot.
Uh, hi.
Is everything okay?
Fine. I think.
We are renting this house
for the weekend, and, um...
my partner here, he thought
he saw someone in the yard.
Yeah.
You been peeping
anybody's windows today?
-What?
-Uh, what my friend here
is trying to ask is
if you've seen anyone around.
Honestly, just you guys.
It's pretty under-populated
this time of the year.
Yeah. We kinda noticed.
Where did you come from?
Pretty far out for a run.
I'm just staying
at my uncle's cabin up the road.
Come here a lot in
the off-season, just to chill.
This is the only road
in and out, right?
That's what they tell me.
And you're on your way
back from your run.
Okay, get to the point,
Angela Lansbury.
I am.
Look, if this is the only road,
then he had to have
passed the house earlier
when he left for his run.
Yeah, I did.
Like a half hour ago.
Which is exactly around the time
when Adam thought
he saw someone.
-Okay, case closed.
-Yep.
Look, Adam, you just saw
our neighbor here
getting some exercise.
No creepers, no zombies,
just an afternoon run.
Zombies?
Yeah. Look, I know
the difference between--
Okay, there you have it.
Okay, Adam, I'd say...
you need glasses, babe, but...
you already got 'em.
Sue your eye doctor
or something.
Now, can we please
go back inside?
There is a bottle
of margarita mix
waiting to help us all
forget we wasted our time
Scooby-Dooing around
this fucking yard.
-Look, I just think--
-Sorry about all this, really.
I hope you guys have a good...
whatever it is
that you're doing here.
Hey, you coming?
Sorry.
[laughter]
[Ollie] Okay, that is
absolutely not fair.
Bitch, I have
photographic evidence, okay?
You in a hot pink feather boa
and matching pink platforms.
I would love to see that.
-That can be arranged.
-Under no circumstances
are those photos
exchanging hands, got it?
Okay, we'll see about that.
And why did I
not know about this?
It was way before your time.
Yeah, I had just moved.
It-- it was my first
summer in the city.
Oh. God, everything just felt
so new then.
Yeah.
Well how come you guys stopped
doing all those performances?
I mean, it sounds like
it was a blast.
Oh, I wasn't in it
for the long haul.
It was more like a weekend thing
so I could cope with
my awful minimum wage job.
The artist life is more
your boy's thing.
Uh... yeah, I don't know
how much of my thing
it ended up being, but thanks.
Come on, babe, don't be
so hard on yourself.
I mean, I'm not being
hard on myself.
It's just true.
Yeah, I have to kind of
side with Ollie here.
You've done some great stuff.
Yeah? Like what?
A Fringe Fest play that
tens of people saw?
Or some short films
that disappeared
as soon as
the festival circuit was over?
I mean, hell, you're talking
about our cabaret
from back in the day,
and we couldn't even
sell those out.
Adam.
No, I'm fine. It's just...
I guess--
I guess I just thought
I'd have made a dent by now.
You know, I've been
doing this for years,
and yet I keep losing
jobs to guys
with less experience
and more abs.
I just wish we could have
had a birthday party
where I was celebrating
a win, and--
not just another year
of me kidding myself.
Babe, you're not
kidding yourself.
It's your dream,
and it's a really hard one.
And as a friend, it's so
inspiring to watch you
just keep going at it.
I just feel like
I am spinning my wheels.
And you know the worst part?
It has completely
zapped my creativity. I--
Everything I try to
write down anymore just...
feels so artificial.
Well, that can't
entirely be true.
I'm sure something inspires you.
Right, anyone else need a drink?
Uh, no.
If anything, the last
few minutes have proven that
I should probably cut myself off
and just turn in.
[Ollie] Yeah, same.
I would prefer not to be
super hungover tomorrow.
Alright, boo to
both of you, but I get it.
I'm just gonna go
pour myself another one, and
then go take it to my bedroom
and do my nighttime reading.
-Ooh, salacious.
-You know it.
Do you need help with him?
Oh, fuck no.
He drank himself into a stupor,
so he can lie where he lays.
Not our problem.
-All right.
-Bye, goodnight.
Have a good night.
Night, babe. Sleep tight.
Mm, you too.
-Uh, hey, Louis.
-What's up?
Thank you.
Of course, babe. Happy birthday.
I'm sorry it's not what
you want it to be, but...
there's always next year.
And look at the bright side.
You look amazing for 40.
Oh, you bitch.
Oh, you know it.
[insects chirping]
[Ollie]
Well, that was a fun night.
Nice to reminisce.
Yeah.
Sorry if I got too deep.
Oh, isn't that
what birthdays are for?
Reflecting and shit?
I guess.
Well, in the spirit of things,
if you wanna go deep
another way...
Really?
Hey, you're
the writer here, okay?
I'm trying.
And besides, that doesn't
answer the question.
Can you just give me a second?
What's going on, Adam?
What do you mean?
Do you even want to, with me?
What? Yes, of course I do.
I just--
just not right now.
I'm not in the headspace.
When are you gonna be
in the headspace, exactly?
Are you serious? Are you--
are you getting mad at me
because I don't wanna
have sex right now?
No, this is not about the sex.
This is about everything.
This is about how you've been
pushing me away for weeks.
I have not been
pushing you away.
Oh, bullshit.
You barely touch me anymore.
And you treat
every interaction with me
like it's some inconvenience.
I mean, fuck,
I tried kissing you today.
-And I got a bloody nose for it.
-That is not fair.
-You know that I thought I saw--
-Yeah, I remember.
Is being touched by me so bad
that you have to
make up monsters?
You know, I thought
that you were
just having
a birthday pity party.
You were in your feelings.
It wasn't about me.
No, it isn't. I...
It was bad enough
that you eye-fucked
that jogger earlier
and didn't think that I noticed.
But then I had to sit there
next to you
on that couch tonight,
and listen to you
tell your friends about
how nothing inspires you
or excites you anymore.
That kind of puts the writing
on the wall for me, doesn't it?
That is not what I meant.
That's how it feels.
Do you even wanna
be with me anymore?
Do you even know
what you want at all?
-No, Ollie, I--
-Don't bother.
[Zeke sighing]
Fuck.
[insects chirping]
[ominous music]
[TV buzzing]
Great. Hello?
Just a minute.
Oh, come on.
Some of us have to piss.
[action film score]
[Zeke] Oh. Come on.
[thumping]
Hello?
[knocking]
I said just a minute.
Oh. Whatever.
Oh...
[unzipping]
[splashing]
Oh, fuck...
Oh.
[rustling]
[screaming]
-[moaning]
-[creature growling]
[breathing]
Hello?
[rumbling sound]
[wind whistling]
Yeah, what am I even
doing out here?
I don't normally just meet
strangers in the woods, but...
[growling]
It's you.
[intense music]
[moaning]
[panting]
[moaning]
[growling]
[insects chirping]
[eerie music]
Adam, is that you?
Adam!
[screen buzzing]
[insects chirping]
[knocking at door]
[heavy knocking]
[rapid knocking]
[frantic music]
What?
You know, you should be cuffed.
Lucky for you,
I don't really feel
like being hassled right now.
That, and I know I could
kick your ass
if you put up a fuss.
Right. Sure.
So you mind telling me
what you were doing,
taking a long nap in a house
that doesn't belong to you?
I don't know.
I-- I really don't.
"I don't know. I really don't."
You know, I'm gonna need
a little more than that.
Not for me, because I don't
really give a shit,
but for the guys down
at the station, they--
They will. They'll care a lot.
You from around here?
Uh, no, I'm--
I'm not even really sure where--
I know you.
You do?
[sighing]
You made that zombie movie
up here a couple years ago.
Zombie?
I can't believe
I didn't recognize you.
It's probably because it's dark
and dingy in here, but yeah.
You guys made that movie.
We don't get a lot of movies
that shoot around these parts,
so I take it as my business
to watch all of them,
even the really cheesy ones.
Yeah, this is a great location.
You know, a lot of people
got down on that movie
because of the zombie sex.
Not me.
Because I knew it was
for the art, right?
And I didn't even really mind
about that other stuff either.
Just so you know.
Right, yeah. Yeah. Good to know.
Hmm. Filming a zombie movie.
Let me see what I can do.
And not because
I'm giving you a free pass
for what you did here tonight,
'cause this is
just kind of weird.
Because I know that
sometimes actors do...
eccentric things.
Don't move.
I understand.
[eerie music]
[eerie music building]
[ominous music]
-[Officer Findlay] Ben!
-[Ben] Huh?
Ben Baur.
That's your name, right?
[laughs]
I gotta admit, I looked it up
on IMDB when I was in the car.
Y-- Yeah, that's my name.
You're actor Ben Baur.
Look, I made a call.
I talked to the owners
of the house.
They're not gonna press charges.
But they strongly inferred
that they'd like you
to not do this again.
Okay?
So if you ever get
the urge to come up here
and, you know,
sleep in somebody else's house,
maybe don't.
Right. O-- Okay.
All right, well,
how'd you get up here?
[suspenseful music]
I...
I-- I don't actually know.
[Findlay] Oh, Jesus Christ.
[sighs] Actors and drugs.
Do you have somebody
you could call?
Do you think the owners would
mind if I used their phone?
I understand that, Officer.
Thank you, again.
Look, it may not
be my place to say,
and I don't know if this
is patterned behavior or what,
but you might wanna talk
to your friend about therapy...
something, maybe rehab.
I'll definitely
keep that in mind.
[somber music]
[music turns suspenseful]
Look, I'm just gonna ask you
this straight up,
with zero judgment.
Are you okay?
[sighs]
I think so.
Okay, but, like, you're fine?
Like, you're not hurt
or sick or anything?
Yes, I mean,
I-- I feel fine.
Okay.
Okay.
-In that case...
-[loud thud]
What in the actual fuck, Ben?
I thought you said there
was gonna be zero judgment.
Well, that was before
you declared you were fine.
I meant physically.
Obviously, I am not fine.
I-- I don't know
what the fuck is happening.
It's 4:00 a.m.
It took me two and a half hours
to get down here
from Los Angeles.
The sun will be up
before we get home.
You better start
figuring it out, Ben,
because I'm gonna need
some kind of explanation.
I told you, I don't know.
I-- Whenever I try
to concentrate,
to remember,
it's just like static
in my head.
Yeah, that's not
concerning at all.
Look, I haven't heard
from you in weeks.
That-- that can't be true.
Look, I can only
speak for myself,
but when my best friend
goes radio silent
for almost a month,
-I would tend to notice.
-I didn't realize.
So you can imagine
my feelings when this,
of all calls, is the one
to break the silence.
Last time we talked,
you were hyped up
about a big audition you had,
and then, nothing.
Have you become
that much of an actor
that normal engagement
is just too much for you?
-[static buzzes]
-Audition?
Yeah, I said other words
in there, too.
[suspenseful music]
I'm not gonna bust your balls,
because clearly you're going
through something right now,
and I care about you.
But this one-sided stuff
is just not okay.
I-- I get it. I do.
Mm-hmm.
You seriously
can't remember anything?
All I recall is that
I was at home watching a movie,
and then the next thing I know,
I-- I'm being woken up
by the police officer
in that house.
Okay, wait.
So, you're chilling,
watching a flick,
and the next thing you know,
you've B&E'd into a house
you shot at five years ago?
Was that five years ago?
Are you sure you're not
taking anything?
As far as I know.
Look, clearly we're not
gonna solve anything tonight.
But next time you decide
to go on a vision quest
and break into one
of your old filming locations,
maybe pick a place
up the street,
where we shot the web series,
and not some place that requires
two highway exchanges
and a rural access code
to get to, okay?
I'll-- I'll try my best.
Oh, speaking of the bumfuck
remoteness of it all,
how did the people who own
the house know you were there?
Oh, uh, apparently they have
cameras all over the house.
God, you can't trust anyone
these days.
No.
You can't.
[ominous music]
[sirens wailing]
[door latch clicks]
You sure you're gonna be okay
by yourself?
I think so.
All right.
But to be clear, we are not done
talking about all this.
I just need to get
some serious sleep first.
Yeah, for sure, you should--
You should go do that.
Okay, then.
I'll be fine, really.
Can you say that for sure?
Can anyone?
Well, with that
cheerful thought.
-[clucks tongue]
-Hey, Taryn?
Hmm?
Thank you.
Oh, you will definitely be
thanking me over the course
of several dinners that you will
definitely be paying for.
[laughs]
[lips smacking]
Love you.
You, too.
[ominous music]
[sighs]
[sucks in air]
[sucks in air]
[phone buzzing]
[sighs]
-Hello?
-[agent] You broke into a house?
Do you understand what
a PR disaster that is?
Or rather, would be, if anyone
was actually paying
any attention?
Our client list is small,
and we can't be personally
invested in behavior
that is harmful to the brand.
Uh, personally invested?
I haven't heard from you guys
in weeks.
[agent] That's not true.
I sent you on that audition.
A month ago.
Uh, and it was very clear
that they didn't want anyone
who read as gay.
[agent] That's your problem.
I get you the appointment.
You're the one
that has to show up and act.
If they don't want something,
don't give it to them.
Okay, but that's one of
the things I bring to the table.
I-- I want to be
making queer art.
[agent] Yeah, so you said.
Your generation,
and your message movies.
Don't think I don't get it,
but that's not the biz.
You wanna sell tickets,
you have to go broad.
Otherwise,
you're going to be stuck with
web series and indie movies.
And let's face it,
you haven't exactly
booked any of those
lately, either.
Okay, so--
so, what can we do?
[agent] We are not
going to do anything.
In case I haven't made myself
entirely clear,
I can't rep you anymore.
You're dropping me?
[agent] Come on, kid.
You haven't landed a gig
in forever,
which already put you in a
tenuous position on our roster.
And now with the hijinks
last night,
well, it's not exactly
like you're a winning bet.
I don't fucking
believe this shit.
You knew what kind of movies
I wanted to make,
and you didn't even try to find
projects that were a match.
[agent] Yeah? Well,
have you ever considered
that you were maybe
being unrealistic?
Actors don't have
the luxury of getting
to pick their own identity.
Other people tell you
who you are,
and you graciously smile,
and take the paycheck.
[static droning]
[ominous music]
[eerie music]
[line ringing]
[Taryn] Hey, this is Taryn.
Sorry I can't answer your--
[pounding on door]
[ominous music]
[pounding on door]
[pounding on door]
[ominous music builds]
[pounding on door]
[pounding, thumping]
[eerie music]
[podcast host] I mean,
you do have those movies
like Shaun of the Dead,
where you do have
a semi-happy ending
to a zombie movie,
but I'm just saying that it
seems like a losing proposition.
Okay, but in the spirit
of our show, I have to ask,
is there a proper way
to survive a zombie movie?
[podcast host 2] I think it
depends on the kind of zombie.
Are we talking voodoo zombies
or, like, brain
munch, munch zombies?
It's a very,
very important distinction.
[podcast host] Okay, so, uh,
for argument's sake,
let's go for the classic
Romero-style,
although we have to point out
for our horror hounds
that it isn't actually a zombie
in Night of the Living Dead,
it is a ghoul,
so let's just make that clear.
[podcast host 2] The ghouls.
See, it's a classic ghoul.
Okay, sure, sure, sure.
I'll bite.
[makes munching sounds]
[both hosts laugh]
[podcast host 2] You know, I
gotta bring the puns, all right?
-So, thank you so much.
-[podcast host] Nice.
[podcast host 2]
But how do you survive?
I mean, like,
honestly, you don't.
[ominous music]
[panting]
Ben?
I thought that was you.
Is everything okay?
Is it-- is it really you?
Yeah, it's really me, buddy.
Is something going on?
I-- I don't know. I--
I really don't know.
That's fair.
You wanna go somewhere,
and talk about it?
Maybe grab a drink?
Isn't it-- Isn't it a bit early?
It's Hollywood.
And we're gay.
So... what do you say?
So I said, "If you're getting
YouTube numbers,
then I'm gonna
need some YouTube money."
And then they caved.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't
know what any of that means.
Neither do I.
[laughs] But it worked,
and it got me the down payment
for my brand new car, so...
Well, cheers to that.
So, what about you?
Are you working on anything?
Not really.
I don't even really know what
I'm doing anymore, to be honest.
Is that the reason why you went
all Lifetime Original
out on the street?
I guess.
Kinda.
Look, dude, I get it.
But... isn't this
the life that we chose?
This business is just one
big existential crisis.
Maybe it isn't, though.
Maybe it's just the truth.
We have a whole city of people
who take playing pretend
very seriously,
and maybe that's because we know
that the pretend is the only
thing that's real.
Well, I mean, obviously,
there's always truth in art.
No, that's not what I mean.
I'm not talking about
finding the truth in art,
but what if art is the truth?
Do you ever think about it?
That-- that movie we made,
I mean, the one with the--
-with the zombie.
-Oh, that movie?
Sometimes, yeah.
I mean, that was such
a fun summer.
Do you wanna know what was wild?
My character in that wasn't even
supposed to have a name.
But my reps threw a fit, mainly
because they wanted more money.
But that's why,
if you remember in the script,
they had "Hot Jogger" crossed
out, and "Dylan" written in.
They were so cheap, they didn't
even update the draft.
I guess I didn't realize that.
Did you care?
Not really.
I mean, my character
was only there
to be the conduit to your
character's break with reality.
I think.
To be honest, I never fully
really understood
what was going on in that.
And I never bothered
to ask Michael.
Michael?
Varrati.
The writer and the director.
Didn't you guys make, like,
a bunch of movies together?
Right, yeah. Of-- of course.
[laughs]
Yeah, day drinking.
-I hear that.
-[both laughing]
[somber music]
What made you think of that one?
I guess it's just been
on my mind a lot lately.
I don't know why.
It was fun, but it was
definitely niche.
It was too queer
for horror fans,
and too horror for queer fans.
But what do I know?
Maybe it'll be one of those
rediscovered classics.
Yeah, but what if all of that
is just irrelevant?
It--
We're talking about it
like it fits in some box,
but what if the box
doesn't actually exist?
I don't follow.
What if--
what if it's not just a movie?
What do you mean?
In the story,
the zombie showed up
when we were all
commiserating failure.
What-- What if that was more
than just symbolic?
Ben, I'm not sure I really--
What if when we uncover
the truth in art,
even if unintentionally,
we can't deny that it's there?
I'm not really digging
this conversation.
I've been seeing it, Danny.
Seeing what?
The zombie.
It's-- It's not just
in the movie.
What? Do you hear yourself?
Look, I am telling you
because you were there.
Hell, I probably ran into you
because it was meant to be.
Uh, because you
were a part of it.
No one else would believe me.
I don't believe you.
Look, I don't fully
understand myself,
but somehow, some way, parts
of the movie are coming true.
I-- I woke up in the house.
And I'm seeing
the zombie everywhere.
Ben!
Zombies aren't real.
The movie isn't real.
No?
Then why has it been standing
outside watching us
this entire time?
[ominous music]
Do you see what I mean?
-I gotta go.
-No, Danny!
No. We're done.
It was nice seeing you, Ben.
Hey, uh, sir,
is-- is everything okay?
Because I couldn't help
but overhear that--
I'm-- I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
Um...
[eerie music]
[street din]
[line ringing]
[street vendor] Handmade belts!
[Michael] Hey,
it's Michael Varrati.
Unfortunately, I can't
take your call right now,
but if you wanna
leave a message--
[siren wailing]
[Taryn on phone] Hey, it's me.
Not to be nosy, but a friend
of mine from improv
said that she thought she saw
you at some restaurant
in the valley,
causing a scene today.
Maybe it wasn't you,
but, like, just for--
[ominous music]
[keys clicking]
Everyone agrees
that death is hard,
but this next film really
redefines what that means.
From writer-director
Michael Varrati,
this tale of necrotic neuroses
has left fright fans divided.
Whether this movie
has something to say
or just something to spray,
one thing's for sure.
There's A Zombie Outside
has bared its teeth gaily.
[screaming]
[horror host] Telling the story
of man who believes
he's being stalked
by a living dead creature.
I don't know about you,
but I don't really get
what he's complaining about.
Silent, strong,
and only paying attention to me?
[line ringing]
[voicemail]
Hey, it's Michael Varrati.
Unfortunately, I can't
take your call right now,
but if you wanna
leave a message--
[solemn music]
[suspenseful music]
Whatever you do,
keep that door closed.
[door rattling]
[Adam] It's too late.
What?
I let the zombie inside.
What?
[whimpering]
[rewinding]
Whatever you do,
keep that door closed.
[door rattling]
[Adam] It's too late.
[Ollie] What?
[Adam] I let the zombie inside.
[Ollie] What?
[ominous music]
[crickets chirping]
[static droning]
[static continues]
[distant thud]
[music intensifies]
[snarling]
[music stops]
[water rushing]
[static droning]
[unsettling music building]
[music stops]
[knocking at door]
[intense music]
[knocking at door]
[knocking continues]
[static droning]
Not here.
Do you hear me? Not here.
[knocking at door]
[tense music]
Is there a reason you haven't
been answering any of my calls?
-I've been busy.
-No one's that busy.
And I'm actually not calling
to gossip about boys.
I'm actually worried about--
Jesus Christ, Ben.
This place is a wreck!
When's the last time
you left the apartment?
Why are you here?
And how did you get
into my building, anyway?
Okay, first off,
your doorman can't resist
a little va-va-voom. [chuckles]
And second, I'm here
because the last time
you didn't answer
any of my calls for a spell,
I had to cross over two counties
in the middle of the night
-to come get you.
-Well...
I'm-- I'm fine.
This does not look fine to me.
[Ben] What are you doing?
[Taryn] Something is up,
and I'm not leaving here
until I get some answers.
I don't like this. Any of it.
[Ben]
Don't take this the wrong way,
but none of this
is your concern.
[Taryn] Oh, you've made that
abundantly clear.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means, this is some
fairly standard bullshit.
You're not the main character
in everyone's life, Ben.
I have things that happen to me
that matter outside of you.
So when you relegate me to
some one-dimensional role,
it's fucking frustrating.
And when you're getting
objectively worse...
It also makes me feel like
I'm not even doing
one dimension right.
What? I--
You are the one who was
insisting on inserting yourself.
Because you got me involved
in the first place!
Now, what the fuck
is going on with you?
I don't really know
how to explain it.
Well, try.
And maybe let's start with why
you've locked yourself in here.
[gentle music]
Because it's out there.
[Taryn] "It"?
-The zombie.
-[music turns ominous]
I'm sorry, what?
The zombie? What,
like the one from your movie?
Yes!
At least that's what it
seemed like initially, anyway.
You're not making any sense.
It didn't make any sense
to me either, but--
but since that night,
I see it everywhere.
That night? At the cabin?
At first,
I didn't understand it.
So I started poring over
everything I could find
about the film.
I-- I thought maybe there was
something buried out there
that I was missing, but...
the deeper I got,
the farther from me it seemed.
This is all about a movie
you made five years ago?
But did I?
I-- I remember it, but--
but I don't.
Almost like it happened
to someone else.
Sweetie, it's called acting.
No! God, you don't get it!
This. This.
This feels true.
And I think that's
why the zombie is here,
because this is the answer.
And that's why you broke into
the cabin the other night? I--
But what if
I didn't break in at all?
Remember,
I don't know how I got there.
There was no vehicle
or means for arrival.
What if I didn't break in?
What if I was there because...
that's where I start?
I-- I don't understand.
God, don't you see?
The movie is us!
Ben, let me go.
It is the only thing
that makes sense.
How else could it be
everywhere that I am?
The movie never ended.
We're still in it.
You know that doesn't
make any sense.
I-- I wasn't in that movie.
We all are...
eventually.
Ben!
Your arms.
What have you done to yourself?
I know what it looks like,
but...
I had to know.
What do you mean?
I didn't feel it.
I-- I should've
been able to feel it.
That is the proof.
We need to stop the zombie,
Taryn.
We need to finish the movie.
Okay.
What?
I said okay.
I'll help you stop the zombie.
You will? You-- you believe me?
I believe that you believe it.
And that's a start.
Yeah.
Right.
Okay. Uh...
I know that this is
a lot to take in,
so we should probably start
by just going over everything.
Have you actually seen the film?
-I have a DVD of it--
-Actually,
we should start by
cleaning those arms up.
You're not fighting anything,
dead or otherwise,
-if you get an infection.
-No. [chuckles]
uh, do you have alcohol or
hydrogen peroxide or something?
-Uh, maybe in the bathroom?
-Great.
I'll get that, and you get
the DVD started, okay?
[relieved chuckle] Right.
On it.
[soft, tense music]
[quietly] Yes, hello?
I don't know if
this counts as an emergency.
[ominous music]
I'm with my friend, and...
I think he might be
a danger to himself.
The sooner you can get here,
the better.
It's definitely bad.
Just one second on that address.
[thud]
[suspenseful music]
[solemn music]
[breathing shakily]
[phone ringing]
Hello? Michael?
[Michael] Who is this,
and why do you keep calling me?
It-- it's Ben. Ben Baur?
[Michael] That isn't funny.
Ben Bauer died five years ago.
What?
I'm just fucking with you.
What's up, Ben?
I've, uh...
I've been trying
to get a hold of you
because I have a question about
There's a Zombie Outside.
[Ben] That old thing?
What, are we supposed to do
a podcast
or something I forgot about?
Uh, no, no.
I just, um...
I just need to know
why you did it.
Why did you make the zombie?
Why did I make a movie about
a frustrated writer
who feels he didn't reach
his potential
grappling with
his own personal monster?
Can't imagine
what inspired that.
That's not really what I meant.
But it's the answer.
Not that the nuance
really helped our cause.
Turns out critics get weird
when you make a zombie movie
with only one zombie.
And why did I...
You know, with the zombie?
I thought we talked about all
of this when we made the film.
Uh, can you tell me again?
It's...
It's for research.
Okay, uh, sure.
I guess the zombie sex was
symbolic of how we all
inevitably embrace destruction?
Or maybe it's because
someone told me that
the only way we'd get into
a gay festival
was if there was
a sex scene in the movie
and I decided
to be an asshole about it.
I don't know.
Probably the first one, though.
But what if it's
the other way around?
What if...
What if destruction embraces us?
Good question.
I think it's still all
a matter of choice.
Nature really
doesn't deal in monsters.
Only people do.
Huh.
Was that all you wanted to know?
I don't know.
Can I see you?
Oh, I'd love that,
but I'm not in town.
I'm in Utah making one of
those TV Christmas movies
for the next few months.
Things we do for art, you know?
Can I ask you one more question?
Shoot.
How do you know how
to end a horror story?
Oh, that's broad.
I guess it depends
on where it began.
Thanks.
I mean, there's probably...
Where it began.
[eerie instrumental]
[keys jingling]
[door slamming]
[elevator dinging]
[quiet static]
[static grows louder]
[tense instrumental]
[crickets chirping]
[radio crackling]
[officer] It's probably nothing.
She sounded pretty adamant.
But there's a chance this guy
could be headed up here, so...
Just keep your eyes open.
Over and out.
Roger that. Not like I have
anything better to do.
[sighing] Hollywood weirdos.
[wind whispering]
[eerie instrumental]
Of course it had to be here.
[twig snapping]
They saw me.
[tense chord]
[Ben] I let the zombie inside.
[tense instrumental]
[sighing]
Dispatch.
Found an abandoned car up here,
but checked out the old
Jones place.
No signs of forced entry, and
honestly, there's nobody here.
[director] Cut!
Okay, that was awesome.
[static droning]
[garbled dialogue from TV]
[unsettling rhythmic music]
[birds chirping]
[yawning]
Oh, welcome back to
the land of the living.
Was I out long?
Long enough.
Not that it matters.
You guys know that
I always need a nap
after a boozy brunch.
Don't let him push your buttons.
It's your birthday. You do
whatever the fuck you want.
Is that Adam?
Your man awaits.
Why are you always such trash?
What'd I do?
You're up!
Yeah, sorry.
Those mimosas
hit me pretty hard.
Ah. Well, that's the cost
of wild living.
Yeah. Not wild enough
for some, apparently.
What do you mean?
Zeke just keeps making
these little comments
that suggest that
he's not exactly thrilled
with the weekend's festivities.
Or, you know, lack thereof.
Whatever.
Not everything's some
big Fire Island bender.
I mean, the whole idea
that all gay getaways
have to be substance-abusing,
sex-filled chaos is reductive.
So you're not, like, mad
that there's not more to do?
Or that your boyfriend
is sleeping the day away?
Absolutely not.
I mean, the whole point
of this vacation
is to do absolutely
nothing, right?
Besides, when I came in earlier
to check up on you,
you looked so cute,
all wrapped up in your blankets.
Snoozing to one of those
stupid films that you love.
The work of Ted V. Michaels
is not stupid.
It's just,
you know, misunderstood.
Well, not that it matters.
I must have slept
through the whole thing.
When I woke up,
there was just dead air.
Well, next time we're in
the bedroom, we'll be...
I don't know, revving things up?
[wind rustling]
[low rumbling]
-[roaring]
-Oh my god!
What the hell?
What the fuck?
Did you see?
See what?
It was watching us.
It? I--
What are you talking about?
Out there.
I don't see anything.
[Adam] It-- it was there.
It was.
What?
I don't know how else
to say this, but...
[creature screaming]
[frightening music]
[Ollie]
Could you say that again?
I told you,
there is a zombie outside.
Or at least something
that looks like a zombie.
I thought you said we weren't
bringing party drugs
this weekend.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
You know how that sounds, right?
Maybe you've been watching
too many of those movies.
Oh, okay.
What actually happened?
Well, we were having
an intimate moment.
An intimate moment?
Were you two gonna fuck
in the kitchen?
We make food in here.
Zeke, it's--
Continue.
And I looked outside,
and there was someone
out there watching us.
Like-- like, hardcore.
Now, when you say "hardcore..."
Zeke!
I don't see anyone.
Well, yeah,
they probably ran away
during all of the commotion,
but there was someone out there.
I-- I swear!
All right, then.
Let's go take a look.
I'm sorry, what?
Well, as far as I know,
the closest house
is a good mile and a half
down the road, so, uh...
If someone's
wandering around outside,
I think we should probably know.
So you want us to go look
for a peeper.
Have you watched any
of the true crime documentaries
that I recommended?
Well, if you'd bother to take
any of the CrossFit classes
that I recommended...
You wouldn't have anything
to worry about.
Bitch, how very dare.
If anything,
I am the muscles of the group.
Okay, uh, are we
gonna do this, or what?
[Ollie clearing throat,
exhaling]
I mean, i-is it too late
to vote for or what?
[eerie keyboard music]
Anybody see anything?
What if it went into the woods?
Wouldn't be very smart.
Neither is assuming an intruder
is gonna stick to
the manicured parts of the lawn.
The only reason
-that we were out here...
-[screaming]
What?
-What is it?
-There.
Do you see it?
See what?
That... monster...
is...
jogging?
You made it sound like
something was wrong.
Well, there could be,
if he's solely relying
on cardio for exercise.
He's such an idiot.
Uh, hi.
Is everything okay?
Fine. I think.
We are renting this house
for the weekend, and, um...
my partner here, he thought
he saw someone in the yard.
Yeah.
You been peeping
anybody's windows today?
-What?
-Uh, what my friend here
is trying to ask is
if you've seen anyone around.
Honestly, just you guys.
It's pretty under-populated
this time of the year.
Yeah. We kinda noticed.
Where did you come from?
Pretty far out for a run.
I'm just staying
at my uncle's cabin up the road.
Come here a lot in
the off-season, just to chill.
This is the only road
in and out, right?
That's what they tell me.
And you're on your way
back from your run.
Okay, get to the point,
Angela Lansbury.
I am.
Look, if this is the only road,
then he had to have
passed the house earlier
when he left for his run.
Yeah, I did.
Like a half hour ago.
Which is exactly around the time
when Adam thought
he saw someone.
-Okay, case closed.
-Yep.
Look, Adam, you just saw
our neighbor here
getting some exercise.
No creepers, no zombies,
just an afternoon run.
Zombies?
Yeah. Look, I know
the difference between--
Okay, there you have it.
Okay, Adam, I'd say...
you need glasses, babe, but...
you already got 'em.
Sue your eye doctor
or something.
Now, can we please
go back inside?
There is a bottle
of margarita mix
waiting to help us all
forget we wasted our time
Scooby-Dooing around
this fucking yard.
-Look, I just think--
-Sorry about all this, really.
I hope you guys have a good...
whatever it is
that you're doing here.
Hey, you coming?
Sorry.
[laughter]
[Ollie] Okay, that is
absolutely not fair.
Bitch, I have
photographic evidence, okay?
You in a hot pink feather boa
and matching pink platforms.
I would love to see that.
-That can be arranged.
-Under no circumstances
are those photos
exchanging hands, got it?
Okay, we'll see about that.
And why did I
not know about this?
It was way before your time.
Yeah, I had just moved.
It-- it was my first
summer in the city.
Oh. God, everything just felt
so new then.
Yeah.
Well how come you guys stopped
doing all those performances?
I mean, it sounds like
it was a blast.
Oh, I wasn't in it
for the long haul.
It was more like a weekend thing
so I could cope with
my awful minimum wage job.
The artist life is more
your boy's thing.
Uh... yeah, I don't know
how much of my thing
it ended up being, but thanks.
Come on, babe, don't be
so hard on yourself.
I mean, I'm not being
hard on myself.
It's just true.
Yeah, I have to kind of
side with Ollie here.
You've done some great stuff.
Yeah? Like what?
A Fringe Fest play that
tens of people saw?
Or some short films
that disappeared
as soon as
the festival circuit was over?
I mean, hell, you're talking
about our cabaret
from back in the day,
and we couldn't even
sell those out.
Adam.
No, I'm fine. It's just...
I guess--
I guess I just thought
I'd have made a dent by now.
You know, I've been
doing this for years,
and yet I keep losing
jobs to guys
with less experience
and more abs.
I just wish we could have
had a birthday party
where I was celebrating
a win, and--
not just another year
of me kidding myself.
Babe, you're not
kidding yourself.
It's your dream,
and it's a really hard one.
And as a friend, it's so
inspiring to watch you
just keep going at it.
I just feel like
I am spinning my wheels.
And you know the worst part?
It has completely
zapped my creativity. I--
Everything I try to
write down anymore just...
feels so artificial.
Well, that can't
entirely be true.
I'm sure something inspires you.
Right, anyone else need a drink?
Uh, no.
If anything, the last
few minutes have proven that
I should probably cut myself off
and just turn in.
[Ollie] Yeah, same.
I would prefer not to be
super hungover tomorrow.
Alright, boo to
both of you, but I get it.
I'm just gonna go
pour myself another one, and
then go take it to my bedroom
and do my nighttime reading.
-Ooh, salacious.
-You know it.
Do you need help with him?
Oh, fuck no.
He drank himself into a stupor,
so he can lie where he lays.
Not our problem.
-All right.
-Bye, goodnight.
Have a good night.
Night, babe. Sleep tight.
Mm, you too.
-Uh, hey, Louis.
-What's up?
Thank you.
Of course, babe. Happy birthday.
I'm sorry it's not what
you want it to be, but...
there's always next year.
And look at the bright side.
You look amazing for 40.
Oh, you bitch.
Oh, you know it.
[insects chirping]
[Ollie]
Well, that was a fun night.
Nice to reminisce.
Yeah.
Sorry if I got too deep.
Oh, isn't that
what birthdays are for?
Reflecting and shit?
I guess.
Well, in the spirit of things,
if you wanna go deep
another way...
Really?
Hey, you're
the writer here, okay?
I'm trying.
And besides, that doesn't
answer the question.
Can you just give me a second?
What's going on, Adam?
What do you mean?
Do you even want to, with me?
What? Yes, of course I do.
I just--
just not right now.
I'm not in the headspace.
When are you gonna be
in the headspace, exactly?
Are you serious? Are you--
are you getting mad at me
because I don't wanna
have sex right now?
No, this is not about the sex.
This is about everything.
This is about how you've been
pushing me away for weeks.
I have not been
pushing you away.
Oh, bullshit.
You barely touch me anymore.
And you treat
every interaction with me
like it's some inconvenience.
I mean, fuck,
I tried kissing you today.
-And I got a bloody nose for it.
-That is not fair.
-You know that I thought I saw--
-Yeah, I remember.
Is being touched by me so bad
that you have to
make up monsters?
You know, I thought
that you were
just having
a birthday pity party.
You were in your feelings.
It wasn't about me.
No, it isn't. I...
It was bad enough
that you eye-fucked
that jogger earlier
and didn't think that I noticed.
But then I had to sit there
next to you
on that couch tonight,
and listen to you
tell your friends about
how nothing inspires you
or excites you anymore.
That kind of puts the writing
on the wall for me, doesn't it?
That is not what I meant.
That's how it feels.
Do you even wanna
be with me anymore?
Do you even know
what you want at all?
-No, Ollie, I--
-Don't bother.
[Zeke sighing]
Fuck.
[insects chirping]
[ominous music]
[TV buzzing]
Great. Hello?
Just a minute.
Oh, come on.
Some of us have to piss.
[action film score]
[Zeke] Oh. Come on.
[thumping]
Hello?
[knocking]
I said just a minute.
Oh. Whatever.
Oh...
[unzipping]
[splashing]
Oh, fuck...
Oh.
[rustling]
[screaming]
-[moaning]
-[creature growling]
[breathing]
Hello?
[rumbling sound]
[wind whistling]
Yeah, what am I even
doing out here?
I don't normally just meet
strangers in the woods, but...
[growling]
It's you.
[intense music]
[moaning]
[panting]
[moaning]
[growling]
[insects chirping]
[eerie music]
Adam, is that you?
Adam!
[screen buzzing]
[insects chirping]
[knocking at door]
[heavy knocking]
[rapid knocking]
[frantic music]
What?
You know, you should be cuffed.
Lucky for you,
I don't really feel
like being hassled right now.
That, and I know I could
kick your ass
if you put up a fuss.
Right. Sure.
So you mind telling me
what you were doing,
taking a long nap in a house
that doesn't belong to you?
I don't know.
I-- I really don't.
"I don't know. I really don't."
You know, I'm gonna need
a little more than that.
Not for me, because I don't
really give a shit,
but for the guys down
at the station, they--
They will. They'll care a lot.
You from around here?
Uh, no, I'm--
I'm not even really sure where--
I know you.
You do?
[sighing]
You made that zombie movie
up here a couple years ago.
Zombie?
I can't believe
I didn't recognize you.
It's probably because it's dark
and dingy in here, but yeah.
You guys made that movie.
We don't get a lot of movies
that shoot around these parts,
so I take it as my business
to watch all of them,
even the really cheesy ones.
Yeah, this is a great location.
You know, a lot of people
got down on that movie
because of the zombie sex.
Not me.
Because I knew it was
for the art, right?
And I didn't even really mind
about that other stuff either.
Just so you know.
Right, yeah. Yeah. Good to know.
Hmm. Filming a zombie movie.
Let me see what I can do.
And not because
I'm giving you a free pass
for what you did here tonight,
'cause this is
just kind of weird.
Because I know that
sometimes actors do...
eccentric things.
Don't move.
I understand.
[eerie music]
[eerie music building]
[ominous music]
-[Officer Findlay] Ben!
-[Ben] Huh?
Ben Baur.
That's your name, right?
[laughs]
I gotta admit, I looked it up
on IMDB when I was in the car.
Y-- Yeah, that's my name.
You're actor Ben Baur.
Look, I made a call.
I talked to the owners
of the house.
They're not gonna press charges.
But they strongly inferred
that they'd like you
to not do this again.
Okay?
So if you ever get
the urge to come up here
and, you know,
sleep in somebody else's house,
maybe don't.
Right. O-- Okay.
All right, well,
how'd you get up here?
[suspenseful music]
I...
I-- I don't actually know.
[Findlay] Oh, Jesus Christ.
[sighs] Actors and drugs.
Do you have somebody
you could call?
Do you think the owners would
mind if I used their phone?
I understand that, Officer.
Thank you, again.
Look, it may not
be my place to say,
and I don't know if this
is patterned behavior or what,
but you might wanna talk
to your friend about therapy...
something, maybe rehab.
I'll definitely
keep that in mind.
[somber music]
[music turns suspenseful]
Look, I'm just gonna ask you
this straight up,
with zero judgment.
Are you okay?
[sighs]
I think so.
Okay, but, like, you're fine?
Like, you're not hurt
or sick or anything?
Yes, I mean,
I-- I feel fine.
Okay.
Okay.
-In that case...
-[loud thud]
What in the actual fuck, Ben?
I thought you said there
was gonna be zero judgment.
Well, that was before
you declared you were fine.
I meant physically.
Obviously, I am not fine.
I-- I don't know
what the fuck is happening.
It's 4:00 a.m.
It took me two and a half hours
to get down here
from Los Angeles.
The sun will be up
before we get home.
You better start
figuring it out, Ben,
because I'm gonna need
some kind of explanation.
I told you, I don't know.
I-- Whenever I try
to concentrate,
to remember,
it's just like static
in my head.
Yeah, that's not
concerning at all.
Look, I haven't heard
from you in weeks.
That-- that can't be true.
Look, I can only
speak for myself,
but when my best friend
goes radio silent
for almost a month,
-I would tend to notice.
-I didn't realize.
So you can imagine
my feelings when this,
of all calls, is the one
to break the silence.
Last time we talked,
you were hyped up
about a big audition you had,
and then, nothing.
Have you become
that much of an actor
that normal engagement
is just too much for you?
-[static buzzes]
-Audition?
Yeah, I said other words
in there, too.
[suspenseful music]
I'm not gonna bust your balls,
because clearly you're going
through something right now,
and I care about you.
But this one-sided stuff
is just not okay.
I-- I get it. I do.
Mm-hmm.
You seriously
can't remember anything?
All I recall is that
I was at home watching a movie,
and then the next thing I know,
I-- I'm being woken up
by the police officer
in that house.
Okay, wait.
So, you're chilling,
watching a flick,
and the next thing you know,
you've B&E'd into a house
you shot at five years ago?
Was that five years ago?
Are you sure you're not
taking anything?
As far as I know.
Look, clearly we're not
gonna solve anything tonight.
But next time you decide
to go on a vision quest
and break into one
of your old filming locations,
maybe pick a place
up the street,
where we shot the web series,
and not some place that requires
two highway exchanges
and a rural access code
to get to, okay?
I'll-- I'll try my best.
Oh, speaking of the bumfuck
remoteness of it all,
how did the people who own
the house know you were there?
Oh, uh, apparently they have
cameras all over the house.
God, you can't trust anyone
these days.
No.
You can't.
[ominous music]
[sirens wailing]
[door latch clicks]
You sure you're gonna be okay
by yourself?
I think so.
All right.
But to be clear, we are not done
talking about all this.
I just need to get
some serious sleep first.
Yeah, for sure, you should--
You should go do that.
Okay, then.
I'll be fine, really.
Can you say that for sure?
Can anyone?
Well, with that
cheerful thought.
-[clucks tongue]
-Hey, Taryn?
Hmm?
Thank you.
Oh, you will definitely be
thanking me over the course
of several dinners that you will
definitely be paying for.
[laughs]
[lips smacking]
Love you.
You, too.
[ominous music]
[sighs]
[sucks in air]
[sucks in air]
[phone buzzing]
[sighs]
-Hello?
-[agent] You broke into a house?
Do you understand what
a PR disaster that is?
Or rather, would be, if anyone
was actually paying
any attention?
Our client list is small,
and we can't be personally
invested in behavior
that is harmful to the brand.
Uh, personally invested?
I haven't heard from you guys
in weeks.
[agent] That's not true.
I sent you on that audition.
A month ago.
Uh, and it was very clear
that they didn't want anyone
who read as gay.
[agent] That's your problem.
I get you the appointment.
You're the one
that has to show up and act.
If they don't want something,
don't give it to them.
Okay, but that's one of
the things I bring to the table.
I-- I want to be
making queer art.
[agent] Yeah, so you said.
Your generation,
and your message movies.
Don't think I don't get it,
but that's not the biz.
You wanna sell tickets,
you have to go broad.
Otherwise,
you're going to be stuck with
web series and indie movies.
And let's face it,
you haven't exactly
booked any of those
lately, either.
Okay, so--
so, what can we do?
[agent] We are not
going to do anything.
In case I haven't made myself
entirely clear,
I can't rep you anymore.
You're dropping me?
[agent] Come on, kid.
You haven't landed a gig
in forever,
which already put you in a
tenuous position on our roster.
And now with the hijinks
last night,
well, it's not exactly
like you're a winning bet.
I don't fucking
believe this shit.
You knew what kind of movies
I wanted to make,
and you didn't even try to find
projects that were a match.
[agent] Yeah? Well,
have you ever considered
that you were maybe
being unrealistic?
Actors don't have
the luxury of getting
to pick their own identity.
Other people tell you
who you are,
and you graciously smile,
and take the paycheck.
[static droning]
[ominous music]
[eerie music]
[line ringing]
[Taryn] Hey, this is Taryn.
Sorry I can't answer your--
[pounding on door]
[ominous music]
[pounding on door]
[pounding on door]
[ominous music builds]
[pounding on door]
[pounding, thumping]
[eerie music]
[podcast host] I mean,
you do have those movies
like Shaun of the Dead,
where you do have
a semi-happy ending
to a zombie movie,
but I'm just saying that it
seems like a losing proposition.
Okay, but in the spirit
of our show, I have to ask,
is there a proper way
to survive a zombie movie?
[podcast host 2] I think it
depends on the kind of zombie.
Are we talking voodoo zombies
or, like, brain
munch, munch zombies?
It's a very,
very important distinction.
[podcast host] Okay, so, uh,
for argument's sake,
let's go for the classic
Romero-style,
although we have to point out
for our horror hounds
that it isn't actually a zombie
in Night of the Living Dead,
it is a ghoul,
so let's just make that clear.
[podcast host 2] The ghouls.
See, it's a classic ghoul.
Okay, sure, sure, sure.
I'll bite.
[makes munching sounds]
[both hosts laugh]
[podcast host 2] You know, I
gotta bring the puns, all right?
-So, thank you so much.
-[podcast host] Nice.
[podcast host 2]
But how do you survive?
I mean, like,
honestly, you don't.
[ominous music]
[panting]
Ben?
I thought that was you.
Is everything okay?
Is it-- is it really you?
Yeah, it's really me, buddy.
Is something going on?
I-- I don't know. I--
I really don't know.
That's fair.
You wanna go somewhere,
and talk about it?
Maybe grab a drink?
Isn't it-- Isn't it a bit early?
It's Hollywood.
And we're gay.
So... what do you say?
So I said, "If you're getting
YouTube numbers,
then I'm gonna
need some YouTube money."
And then they caved.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't
know what any of that means.
Neither do I.
[laughs] But it worked,
and it got me the down payment
for my brand new car, so...
Well, cheers to that.
So, what about you?
Are you working on anything?
Not really.
I don't even really know what
I'm doing anymore, to be honest.
Is that the reason why you went
all Lifetime Original
out on the street?
I guess.
Kinda.
Look, dude, I get it.
But... isn't this
the life that we chose?
This business is just one
big existential crisis.
Maybe it isn't, though.
Maybe it's just the truth.
We have a whole city of people
who take playing pretend
very seriously,
and maybe that's because we know
that the pretend is the only
thing that's real.
Well, I mean, obviously,
there's always truth in art.
No, that's not what I mean.
I'm not talking about
finding the truth in art,
but what if art is the truth?
Do you ever think about it?
That-- that movie we made,
I mean, the one with the--
-with the zombie.
-Oh, that movie?
Sometimes, yeah.
I mean, that was such
a fun summer.
Do you wanna know what was wild?
My character in that wasn't even
supposed to have a name.
But my reps threw a fit, mainly
because they wanted more money.
But that's why,
if you remember in the script,
they had "Hot Jogger" crossed
out, and "Dylan" written in.
They were so cheap, they didn't
even update the draft.
I guess I didn't realize that.
Did you care?
Not really.
I mean, my character
was only there
to be the conduit to your
character's break with reality.
I think.
To be honest, I never fully
really understood
what was going on in that.
And I never bothered
to ask Michael.
Michael?
Varrati.
The writer and the director.
Didn't you guys make, like,
a bunch of movies together?
Right, yeah. Of-- of course.
[laughs]
Yeah, day drinking.
-I hear that.
-[both laughing]
[somber music]
What made you think of that one?
I guess it's just been
on my mind a lot lately.
I don't know why.
It was fun, but it was
definitely niche.
It was too queer
for horror fans,
and too horror for queer fans.
But what do I know?
Maybe it'll be one of those
rediscovered classics.
Yeah, but what if all of that
is just irrelevant?
It--
We're talking about it
like it fits in some box,
but what if the box
doesn't actually exist?
I don't follow.
What if--
what if it's not just a movie?
What do you mean?
In the story,
the zombie showed up
when we were all
commiserating failure.
What-- What if that was more
than just symbolic?
Ben, I'm not sure I really--
What if when we uncover
the truth in art,
even if unintentionally,
we can't deny that it's there?
I'm not really digging
this conversation.
I've been seeing it, Danny.
Seeing what?
The zombie.
It's-- It's not just
in the movie.
What? Do you hear yourself?
Look, I am telling you
because you were there.
Hell, I probably ran into you
because it was meant to be.
Uh, because you
were a part of it.
No one else would believe me.
I don't believe you.
Look, I don't fully
understand myself,
but somehow, some way, parts
of the movie are coming true.
I-- I woke up in the house.
And I'm seeing
the zombie everywhere.
Ben!
Zombies aren't real.
The movie isn't real.
No?
Then why has it been standing
outside watching us
this entire time?
[ominous music]
Do you see what I mean?
-I gotta go.
-No, Danny!
No. We're done.
It was nice seeing you, Ben.
Hey, uh, sir,
is-- is everything okay?
Because I couldn't help
but overhear that--
I'm-- I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
Um...
[eerie music]
[street din]
[line ringing]
[street vendor] Handmade belts!
[Michael] Hey,
it's Michael Varrati.
Unfortunately, I can't
take your call right now,
but if you wanna
leave a message--
[siren wailing]
[Taryn on phone] Hey, it's me.
Not to be nosy, but a friend
of mine from improv
said that she thought she saw
you at some restaurant
in the valley,
causing a scene today.
Maybe it wasn't you,
but, like, just for--
[ominous music]
[keys clicking]
Everyone agrees
that death is hard,
but this next film really
redefines what that means.
From writer-director
Michael Varrati,
this tale of necrotic neuroses
has left fright fans divided.
Whether this movie
has something to say
or just something to spray,
one thing's for sure.
There's A Zombie Outside
has bared its teeth gaily.
[screaming]
[horror host] Telling the story
of man who believes
he's being stalked
by a living dead creature.
I don't know about you,
but I don't really get
what he's complaining about.
Silent, strong,
and only paying attention to me?
[line ringing]
[voicemail]
Hey, it's Michael Varrati.
Unfortunately, I can't
take your call right now,
but if you wanna
leave a message--
[solemn music]
[suspenseful music]
Whatever you do,
keep that door closed.
[door rattling]
[Adam] It's too late.
What?
I let the zombie inside.
What?
[whimpering]
[rewinding]
Whatever you do,
keep that door closed.
[door rattling]
[Adam] It's too late.
[Ollie] What?
[Adam] I let the zombie inside.
[Ollie] What?
[ominous music]
[crickets chirping]
[static droning]
[static continues]
[distant thud]
[music intensifies]
[snarling]
[music stops]
[water rushing]
[static droning]
[unsettling music building]
[music stops]
[knocking at door]
[intense music]
[knocking at door]
[knocking continues]
[static droning]
Not here.
Do you hear me? Not here.
[knocking at door]
[tense music]
Is there a reason you haven't
been answering any of my calls?
-I've been busy.
-No one's that busy.
And I'm actually not calling
to gossip about boys.
I'm actually worried about--
Jesus Christ, Ben.
This place is a wreck!
When's the last time
you left the apartment?
Why are you here?
And how did you get
into my building, anyway?
Okay, first off,
your doorman can't resist
a little va-va-voom. [chuckles]
And second, I'm here
because the last time
you didn't answer
any of my calls for a spell,
I had to cross over two counties
in the middle of the night
-to come get you.
-Well...
I'm-- I'm fine.
This does not look fine to me.
[Ben] What are you doing?
[Taryn] Something is up,
and I'm not leaving here
until I get some answers.
I don't like this. Any of it.
[Ben]
Don't take this the wrong way,
but none of this
is your concern.
[Taryn] Oh, you've made that
abundantly clear.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means, this is some
fairly standard bullshit.
You're not the main character
in everyone's life, Ben.
I have things that happen to me
that matter outside of you.
So when you relegate me to
some one-dimensional role,
it's fucking frustrating.
And when you're getting
objectively worse...
It also makes me feel like
I'm not even doing
one dimension right.
What? I--
You are the one who was
insisting on inserting yourself.
Because you got me involved
in the first place!
Now, what the fuck
is going on with you?
I don't really know
how to explain it.
Well, try.
And maybe let's start with why
you've locked yourself in here.
[gentle music]
Because it's out there.
[Taryn] "It"?
-The zombie.
-[music turns ominous]
I'm sorry, what?
The zombie? What,
like the one from your movie?
Yes!
At least that's what it
seemed like initially, anyway.
You're not making any sense.
It didn't make any sense
to me either, but--
but since that night,
I see it everywhere.
That night? At the cabin?
At first,
I didn't understand it.
So I started poring over
everything I could find
about the film.
I-- I thought maybe there was
something buried out there
that I was missing, but...
the deeper I got,
the farther from me it seemed.
This is all about a movie
you made five years ago?
But did I?
I-- I remember it, but--
but I don't.
Almost like it happened
to someone else.
Sweetie, it's called acting.
No! God, you don't get it!
This. This.
This feels true.
And I think that's
why the zombie is here,
because this is the answer.
And that's why you broke into
the cabin the other night? I--
But what if
I didn't break in at all?
Remember,
I don't know how I got there.
There was no vehicle
or means for arrival.
What if I didn't break in?
What if I was there because...
that's where I start?
I-- I don't understand.
God, don't you see?
The movie is us!
Ben, let me go.
It is the only thing
that makes sense.
How else could it be
everywhere that I am?
The movie never ended.
We're still in it.
You know that doesn't
make any sense.
I-- I wasn't in that movie.
We all are...
eventually.
Ben!
Your arms.
What have you done to yourself?
I know what it looks like,
but...
I had to know.
What do you mean?
I didn't feel it.
I-- I should've
been able to feel it.
That is the proof.
We need to stop the zombie,
Taryn.
We need to finish the movie.
Okay.
What?
I said okay.
I'll help you stop the zombie.
You will? You-- you believe me?
I believe that you believe it.
And that's a start.
Yeah.
Right.
Okay. Uh...
I know that this is
a lot to take in,
so we should probably start
by just going over everything.
Have you actually seen the film?
-I have a DVD of it--
-Actually,
we should start by
cleaning those arms up.
You're not fighting anything,
dead or otherwise,
-if you get an infection.
-No. [chuckles]
uh, do you have alcohol or
hydrogen peroxide or something?
-Uh, maybe in the bathroom?
-Great.
I'll get that, and you get
the DVD started, okay?
[relieved chuckle] Right.
On it.
[soft, tense music]
[quietly] Yes, hello?
I don't know if
this counts as an emergency.
[ominous music]
I'm with my friend, and...
I think he might be
a danger to himself.
The sooner you can get here,
the better.
It's definitely bad.
Just one second on that address.
[thud]
[suspenseful music]
[solemn music]
[breathing shakily]
[phone ringing]
Hello? Michael?
[Michael] Who is this,
and why do you keep calling me?
It-- it's Ben. Ben Baur?
[Michael] That isn't funny.
Ben Bauer died five years ago.
What?
I'm just fucking with you.
What's up, Ben?
I've, uh...
I've been trying
to get a hold of you
because I have a question about
There's a Zombie Outside.
[Ben] That old thing?
What, are we supposed to do
a podcast
or something I forgot about?
Uh, no, no.
I just, um...
I just need to know
why you did it.
Why did you make the zombie?
Why did I make a movie about
a frustrated writer
who feels he didn't reach
his potential
grappling with
his own personal monster?
Can't imagine
what inspired that.
That's not really what I meant.
But it's the answer.
Not that the nuance
really helped our cause.
Turns out critics get weird
when you make a zombie movie
with only one zombie.
And why did I...
You know, with the zombie?
I thought we talked about all
of this when we made the film.
Uh, can you tell me again?
It's...
It's for research.
Okay, uh, sure.
I guess the zombie sex was
symbolic of how we all
inevitably embrace destruction?
Or maybe it's because
someone told me that
the only way we'd get into
a gay festival
was if there was
a sex scene in the movie
and I decided
to be an asshole about it.
I don't know.
Probably the first one, though.
But what if it's
the other way around?
What if...
What if destruction embraces us?
Good question.
I think it's still all
a matter of choice.
Nature really
doesn't deal in monsters.
Only people do.
Huh.
Was that all you wanted to know?
I don't know.
Can I see you?
Oh, I'd love that,
but I'm not in town.
I'm in Utah making one of
those TV Christmas movies
for the next few months.
Things we do for art, you know?
Can I ask you one more question?
Shoot.
How do you know how
to end a horror story?
Oh, that's broad.
I guess it depends
on where it began.
Thanks.
I mean, there's probably...
Where it began.
[eerie instrumental]
[keys jingling]
[door slamming]
[elevator dinging]
[quiet static]
[static grows louder]
[tense instrumental]
[crickets chirping]
[radio crackling]
[officer] It's probably nothing.
She sounded pretty adamant.
But there's a chance this guy
could be headed up here, so...
Just keep your eyes open.
Over and out.
Roger that. Not like I have
anything better to do.
[sighing] Hollywood weirdos.
[wind whispering]
[eerie instrumental]
Of course it had to be here.
[twig snapping]
They saw me.
[tense chord]
[Ben] I let the zombie inside.
[tense instrumental]
[sighing]
Dispatch.
Found an abandoned car up here,
but checked out the old
Jones place.
No signs of forced entry, and
honestly, there's nobody here.
[director] Cut!
Okay, that was awesome.