They/Them/Us (2021) Movie Script
[woman] We've all
heard of the G-spot.
But on today's episode
of Mastering Her Mysteries,
we take you on a
search for the elusive A-spot.
The A-spot is
located about two inches
deeper in the
vagina than the G-spot.
The best way to find it is to
reach in with two fingers
and move them in kind
of a windshield wiper motion
instead of in and out.
We went on a date
We walked and tried...
[easy rock plays indistinctly]
[click]
[beep]
Dad?
What are you listening to?
Hockey game.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, that smell is coming
from Danny's room, again.
I will deal with it.
He's really taking
advantage of you, you know?
[beep]
Who are you talking to?
No one.
Dad, you have children,
remember?
I will be there in a second.
- [Anna] Dad!
- Okay.
[grunts]
Goddammit, Danny.
- What did we say about this?
- I forget.
[Charlie] Did you even
read the article I sent you?
Remind me?
About pot and
its negative effect
on the frontal lobe
of the adolescent male brain.
Oh, that one. Yes, thanks.
It was super compelling.
You cannot smoke pot
in this house, it's illegal.
The laws are in a
constant state of flux.
It's very confusing.
[Anna] He's also
flirting with my friends.
I'm sorry, but you have lost
all moral
authority to judge me.
I'm your father.
In name only.
[Anna] Dad, are you
gonna stand for that?
Don't worry, I'm handling it.
[rapid hand drum instrumental]
Ahh!
Yo...
[gurgling]
[quirky guitar music]
[Charlie coughing]
I'll be back.
[Anna] Where are you going?
To talk to your mother.
[Anna] Oh, can you take me?
No, it's my night.
[Charlie] Shit.
[engine revving]
[Deborah] Finally,
ready to move back in?
Danny's smoking
a lot of pot, again.
Really strong pot.
Well, you ruined his life,
what do you expect?
How is this my fault?
You abandoned the family.
You need to man up
and come back.
A child needs two parents.
He has two parents.
Under the same roof.
Our relationship is over,
Deborah.
Our son is
taking massive quantities
of drugs and we need
to deal with this together.
This is a very
stressful situation.
Why don't you come inside
and we will discuss it.
We're divorced. It's over.
Let's work on it
for the sake of the children...
No. Don't try and manipulate me
after what you did.
[Deborah] After what I did?
When a 20 year old
texts her teacher
that she's dreaming
about his penis,
the proper response is not
the wide eyed emoji.
I made a mistake. Don't you think I
beat myself up about that every day?
I wanted to teach you a lesson.
You needed to grow up.
You didn't have to go
to the administration
and get me fired.
Who does that to their husband?
You're okay. You got a new job.
Yeah. And where is that job?
[bell tolls]
Hm.
Huh.
[quirky investigative
instrumental]
[mouthing words silently]
We are so blessed to be able
to find a real movie teacher
to come here
and a bona fide
Christian one, too.
Thanks for taking a
chance on me, Provost Rawlings.
We believe in second chances,
don't we?
[chuckles]
But the fact is,
the college is
having enrollment problems
and we're
counting on you to save us.
- Great.
- Yeah.
The Chronicle of
Christian Colleges
says students
really like watching movies
and you get 40% more students
if you start a movie program.
We call it a film program,
actually.
I don't care what you call it,
cupcake,
just hit that 40%.
Everybody, I want to
introduce Professor Goldman.
He's going to be
our new movie teacher.
Film teacher.
Praise Jesus, guys.
[easy rock plays]
Took a
walk in the woods
To think of all
the things that I could do
To get you
off of my mind...
- Lisa.
- Charlie.
- Hey.
- Hi.
You're Lisa Harper.
You're a famous artist.
There's no such
thing as a famous artist
in Columbus,
Ohio, Charlie but...
I was at your
show opening last year.
I need to get you
out of my mind
I remember.
I just want to be clear
with you right from the start:
I meant what I
said in my profile.
I am really just
playing the field right now.
I'm not interested in monogamy
- or a relationship...
- No, neither am I.
I mean, we're grown ups with
kids and responsibilities.
The last thing I want
is a serious commitment.
[rapid drum kit instrumental]
[Lisa moaning]
[Charlie] Oh yeah.
[both panting]
[Lisa] Yes.
You said you
had two kids, right?
Mm-hm.
Maddie is 18
and Courtney is 15.
Where's their dad?
He um, he moved to Europe.
A long time ago.
We don't see him.
Sorry. That's awful.
No, don't feel sorry for us.
[Charlie humming]
Oh. Okay.
Mm. Mm.
Have you heard of the A-spot?
Uh, I think
you mean the G-spot?
This is the G-spot's
sexy next door neighbor.
Um, oh. Mm.
I think what you're going for
might be a little bit
if you would just um...
Oh, bold.
[moaning]
Slower.
Harder.
Deeper.
Smarter.
Faster now.
Yeah, that's it.
Faster now.
Faster, faster.
Slower now, slower.
[gasping]
Wow! Oh, my God!
Wow!
[panting]
Oh, wow, oh.
[moaning]
Woah.
Mm.
[Charlie] Can I see you later?
Oh, I um, have a rule never
to see the same
person twice in a week.
Oh right. You said that.
- You don't want to get...
- Get attached. Yeah.
But uh, I had a great time.
So did I. So maybe next week?
Yeah.
Well. In fact,
today's Saturday,
so next week starts tomorrow.
Mm, alright, so maybe...
Thursday. Hmm?
Mm. I was actually thinking
tomorrow's Sunday but
if we go on a date tonight,
it'll already be next
week by the time we're done.
[Charlie chuckling]
Okay.
[Lisa laughing]
[exhales]
So uh, I met
someone I really like.
You, the Tinder Queen?
Hey, stop your yapping.
- [slap]
- [Lisa moans]
I'm trying to concentrate!
- [slap]
- Sorry, Dr. Fun.
[pop rock instrumental]
I went out of my way
I went out of my way
On my way to
go to work today...
Take that,
my little squeaky toys.
I went by the place,
went by the place
The place
we used to stay
Having fun, yet, Dr. Fun?
Want me to come
[giggling]
[gasping]
Take that.
Baby don't
you want me to come
Over to see you, see you
Mom, we had this last night.
And the night before.
She's still hungry.
Sorry.
They are still hungry.
She's fine.
Look how happy she is.
Ah!
They're fine.
Look how happy they are.
Where's Anna?
She said she's not coming.
This is my night.
The judge gave me
Wednesday and Thursday.
Don't worry,
she'll come around.
You think?
Maybe when she's 30.
[moaning]
[Lisa] What's up, baby?
You seem a little distracted.
Uh. [chuckles]
I'm just feeling
a tad guilty.
Guilty? What do you
have to feel guilty about?
I have a list just, you know,
so I could keep track.
Mm.
Do you want to hear it?
Okay.
Breaking up my family.
- [Lisa] Mm-hm.
- Forcing my kids to move
- from one house to another.
- [Lisa] Mm-hm.
Pretending to be an evangelical
Christian professor.
[Lisa] Mm-hm.
- Puppy Mills.
- [Lisa] Mm.
Uh, buying organic milk
or not buying organic milk.
Radiation from
the cell phone tow...
[shudders]
It's dissipating.
[whispers]
My guilt is dissipating.
Mm.
[chuckles softly]
Puppy Mills.
You um,
you said that one already.
[Charlie chuckles]
Hey, um, do I have
your consent to blow your mind?
Uh, consent.
[chuckles] Sure.
Oh! Fuck!
[softly] I'm sorry, baby,
did I hurt you?
Uh... No.
Well, yeah, actually.
- I thought you deserved it.
- Oh.
[sultry chucking]
Ooh...
It wasn't half bad.
Mm-hm.
[giggling]
[Lisa] Hey, pull my hair.
[Charlie] Oh, mm...
- [Lisa] Pull my hair.
- [Charlie] Mm.
[chuckles] Harder.
[Charlie] I can't.
I'm a feminist!
Baby, I'm a feminist
and that means I get to decide.
Now pull my hair.
Yeah. Um... Okay.
Spank me.
I know you can do it.
Come on.
Who's my daddy?
You're my daddy.
No. Don't. That's...
That like triggers
my parental instincts.
I... Don't do that, don't st...
No! This isn't
parental punishment.
This is sexy punishment.
Mm.
I can't... I keep thinking
about Danny when he
was five and I spanked him
and I still
feel badly about it.
No guilt. We got rid
of the guilt, remember?
Yeah, but it's back.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lisa.
Really. I really am.
It's okay, baby.
We'll try again soon.
I know, it's
important to you.
[Lisa "aw's"]
I'm interested.
[sultry chuckling]
Can you send me some articles?
[woman moans]
Mm. I'm not sure I can do this.
[woman gasping]
It's not for everyone.
[woman moaning]
Tell me what you like about it.
Imagine the most spiritual
experience you've ever had.
Have you ever heard
of the D-type?
I'm still trying to
figure out the A-spot.
- [chuckles]
- No...
The D-type is
the dominant type.
The D-type
takes control and you
give yourself
over to them completely.
For me, it's like
when you go running
and you think you
can't take another step
but then you go past that.
But why would she
want him to put a little
Louisville slugger
bat down there?
Mm, that's her kink.
Everybody's different.
I'll think on it.
Mm.
Listen um, Dr. Fun.
I'm going to be
leaving the group.
"COKC" is coming up soon.
We need you, Lisa.
I know. I'm sorry.
I just don't think
he would understand.
Lisa, you've got secrets.
We've all got secrets.
But this is a part of you.
You are going to
make yourself miserable.
I'll see you around, Dr. Fun.
[quirky instrumental]
Ow!
Fuh...
- Hi.
- Hi.
Can... Can I help?
Yeah. Uh, hm...
Just kind of... Mm.
I'd go with the larger one.
It's one of our
most popular models.
You know,
for both your pleasure.
Mm. Okay, then.
[pop instrumental]
[vocalist scatting]
This is way too
fast and totally crazy
but, your place is tiny and
I have all this extra space.
Are you asking me
to move in with you?
Totally insane, right?
Forget I mentioned it.
[chuckles] Good.
Because I'm from...
I'm from a big family.
I miss that
more than anything, but...
These things take time.
Can't just rush
into something like this.
Obviously, you can't expect
to be a new family right away.
- Forget it.
- Yeah. Agreed.
But neither of us
is getting any younger.
No, let's face it. We're old.
[chuckles]
And I don't want to
miss another day without you.
That's so sweet.
Especially since
I really don't know
how much time we have left.
Yeah, you know, let's face it,
either of us could drop dead.
- At any time.
- I have high cholesterol
and my knees kind
of hurt all the time.
The men in my
family never live past 55.
I really don't
know how to sleep alone.
My lease is month to month.
So is that a yes?
Let's do it.
[Charlie] I don't remember them
making four different dinners
on The Brady Bunch. Mm.
Mm! Don't touch that!
That's for dinner.
Did you get the article
I sent you about using
non-binary gender
pronouns for Maddie?
Yes. Thanks.
It was very compelling.
[Charlie] I'll summarize.
Maddie does not
identify as a he or she.
They use the "They" pronoun.
I don't feel like I was born
with the right pronouns,
either.
I'd like for you to
please refer to me as, "us."
Danny, will us set
the table then.
[laughs]
I like it.
Sounds kind of British.
Sorry, teacher,
us didn't do our homework.
Okay, this dinner is
really important to me.
And I'd really appreciate it
if you could be
nice to Lisa's kids.
Well, it's not important to me.
My allegiance is to
the English language.
How's the veggie
burger, Maddie?
It's excellent.
Do you have barbecue sauce?
We do. Let me get it for them.
Thank you.
[Charlie] Maddie's a
really great violin player.
No, really? They are?
Anna plays ukulele.
It's really cool.
Courtney. You're a Kiss fan.
My first concert ever
was the Destroyer Tour.
Jesus, you're old.
- Courtney.
- [Charlie chuckles]
Oh, it's uh... It's cool.
I'm old.
[laughter]
I'm sick of meeting
all your boyfriends, mom.
Boyfriends.
What are you talking about?
[chuckling]
I'm a virgin.
Virginity is a construct!
When can we go home?
Uh...
Courtney, this is
going to be our new home.
You didn't tell me that.
We just talked
about it on the ride here.
I thought you were kidding.
[Maddie] This is insane.
I... I don't want to live here.
Well, we don't want them,
either.
That's not true.
Look it, you guys,
we're very happy
that you're all moving in.
Right, Anna?
Yeah, I'm super excited.
But I'm mostly at my mom's,
so I'll probably never see you.
Just make sure you stay
out of my room
and don't touch my makeup.
All right, that's enough.
Look, I know
this is a little
awkward for you guys...
[Danny] No, what's
awkward is hearing you guys
have sex all the time.
Ew.
Alright, Danny, I hear you.
No, the problem is, I hear you.
Dan...
[Anna] Don't worry, he's
a lot nicer when he's stoned.
It was a
pleasure meeting you both.
You two.
[retreating footsteps]
[sighing]
I'm sorry, guys.
Don't worry about them.
[Lisa sighing]
[Lisa] I am happy for
the first time in years.
He's a good guy. Trust me.
Maybe this is just too soon?
No. I can't live without you.
Babe.
Me neither.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[Courtney] Mom... Come on!
[Lisa] Get in the car.
[Maddie] It's locked.
[Lisa sighing]
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Kay.
- Kay.
Danny.
Danny.
What?
I know things are difficult.
But would it have killed
you to be a little nicer?
It would have
because I don't approve
of anything that you're doing.
I don't need your approval.
I'm the adult.
Well, how about we just
agree that you do what
you want and I do what I want?
It doesn't work that way.
We're not equals.
You're right.
I'm better than you.
[muffled hard rock music]
Oh, my gosh.
[overlapping conversation]
[Courtney]
Okay, I'm not gonna...
[Maddie] This is yours.
[Courtney] I can't grab this...
[Lisa] Wait! Wai-Wait!
[Courtney] Wait!
Don't cover his face!
He can't breathe!
Can I just...
Gently. Gently.
Okay.
What... What is this?
I'm not helping.
[fast jazzy pop instrumental]
[Lisa] Hey,
these aren't too heavy.
- [Charlie] Oh.
- [Lisa] Okay, this one?
- [Charlie] Oh yeah!
- You're amazing,
you're amazing. And I love you.
Love you, too.
Yeah, I know. I really
can't believe it either.
[teen]
Well, your father's insane.
[Anna] Oh my God,
they're here right now.
[teen] This is all so fast.
Did your father happen to run
a background
check on these people?
[Anna] Yeah,
I don't really know about that.
[teen]
Well, we should definitely
get you some pepper spray,
you can keep it...
[Lisa] You got this?
Do you want me to take it?
- I got it. Just...
- You got it?
- I got it.
- Okay.
Okay! You got it. Good.
[thumping]
[exhales] Kay.
Uh, is over here good?
- [Charlie] Uh...
- [Lisa] Okay, great.
Will you
excuse me for a second?
[Lisa] Hey, you okay?
Yeah. Great.
Be right back.
[fast-paced drumming]
I think we may
need to get a mini-van.
- [Courtney] I'm hungry.
- [Anna] Me too.
Okay, guys,
where do you want to eat?
- McDonald's...
- Sushi.
Really want to try this
place that only serves toast.
Okay. Danny?
I want...
Steak tartare.
[Courtney]
What the fuck is that?
- Courtney.
- What?
- You taught me to curse?
- [giggling]
That's okay.
My kids curse all the time.
[Anna] I don't curse.
And steak tartare
is raw hamburger.
Great. So McDonald's, it is.
Us can't get raw meat there.
I want toast.
[Anna] Ugh,
McDonald's is so gross.
And I'm a vegetarian.
[Courtney] Well,
French fries are vegetarian.
No, they're not.
They have beef fat.
That sounds
like bullshit to me.
- Courtney...!
- I'm googling it right now.
Guys, can we maybe compromise
on a place we all agree on?
[Danny] Stop trying
to be the peacemaker, Dad.
It just makes us hate you more.
[Anna] You have to admit,
objectively,
McDonald's is literally gross.
There is no objective reality,
uh, literally and you're
just a stuck up rich bitch.
Ow!
Maddie, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Your kid just hit my kid.
Do I have to pull over?
No.
Taco Bell is vegetarian.
Could have gone there.
Seriously?
Just sayin'.
So I thought
we'd start with a scene
from Sullivan's Travels,
which is one of the
classic American comedies
directed by the great
Preston Sturges.
How many of you have
heard of Preston Sturges?
Okay.
Well, you are in for a treat.
[pop music plays]
Oh, no, no.
Mm-mm.
Sh... No, no.
Okay,... That, that's not it.
That's not Preston Sturges.
It's not.
[sighs]
Hi, Professor Goldman.
We are just really
struggling to understand
what just happened in there.
I had the same problem.
But if you bend it in half,
it clears a lot of things up.
Pray with us
before it's too late.
- Pray?
- [student 2] Of course,
everyone here prays together.
Oh, okay.
[Charlie] Let us pray.
Um, but the teacher
usually leads us in prayer.
Oh, right, sure. Sure.
Just talk from the heart.
Tell us what happened
when you first found Jesus.
Well, it was the most...
Spiritual experience
I've ever had.
Have you ever
heard of the D-type?
The D-type is the dominant...
Divine type.
He means the Divine type
is our master.
You... Go on, professor.
The D-type knows
what you like best
but this is more like
a transformation of energy
from one all
powerful being to another.
Like, like, running,
running so fast
until you can't move
and then you go past that.
The master may even smack you
in the face because
he loves you so much.
The D-type is our daddy...
Our, our father.
Can you tell me
more about this D-type?
What?
The D-type.
I'm really interested.
I've been looking for
articles but without success.
Are you making fun of me?
- No, not at all.
- Mm-hm.
I...
You know,
my students were curious.
You talked about that?
What kind of Christian
school do you work at?
It's very progressive.
Clearly. Okay.
Um, let's try it out
if you're so curious.
What? Now?
Of course.
The only way to
understand the D-type
is to be the D-type.
[seductive moaning]
Okay, Tiger, you're in charge.
What are you going to do?
Sex.
Not yet.
You have to be a
little creative, okay?
Must have a million fantasies.
Don't you, dirty boy?
Sure, all guys do.
Mm-hm.
So, what's your fantasy?
Um...
Now you're
putting me on the spot.
Good.
What are you thinking about?
Diced tomatoes.
Oh.
That could be hot.
I mean, I've never tried
that but I am always game.
No, I forgot to
buy diced tomatoes
for the stew
I'm making tonight.
You have a sexy woman
tied to your bed
and you're thinking
about dinner?
It's the most
important ingredient.
[sighs loudly]
I guess I can
make it without it.
Reach under the bed.
There's a bag of toys.
Mm-hm.
- [clicking]
- Tighter.
- [clicking]
- Tighter.
- [clicking]
- Tighter.
- [buzzing]
- Tighter.
- [buzzing]
- Ignore it.
This is our time. Tighter.
- [clicking]
- [buzzing]
Focus on your task.
What if it's one of the kids?
Deborah will handle it.
[buzzing]
- What is it?
- Danny got another suspicious
- package in the mail.
- So?
So it's probably drugs.
I'll be back in a minute.
I promise.
Sorry.
[clears throat]
[Charlie] Ss... Sorry.
- Won't take a second.
- Mm-hm.
[Lisa sighing]
[Deborah] Little fast to
move in with your girlfriend,
wouldn't you say?
It's from Oregon.
Who does he know in Oregon?
[Deborah] Is she a criminal?
Or a check forger?
Identity thief, bigamist?
She's none of those things!
[Deborah] Ha! How do you know?
I trust her.
You trust everyone
with my children.
Oh. Whoa.
Did he order this
from Amazon or something?
What are you going to do?
- Flush it down the toilet?
- Oh! No.
That thing will
not fit down there.
And I can't afford a plumber
now that I'm a single mom.
- [Anna] What?
- [Charlie] Can I come in?
- It's an emergency.
- [Anna] I'm busy!
Anna, open the door
right now.
What the hell is going on?
- When did you start smoking?
- Since the divorce.
And I'm very traumatized
since mom said
you ruined my life.
[Charlie] Ugh!
[Deborah] Well, didn't you?
[Charlie] I will
deal with you later!
[Anna] Hey, don't forget,
I'm the good kid.
[Danny] Mail come yet?
[Charlie] Oh, it sure did.
Who said that
you could open my package?
[Charlie] You do
realize getting drugs
in the mail is a felony.
It's from Oregon.
It's legal there.
That doesn't matter.
I've been very traumatized
since mom told me
you ruined my life.
- I'm taking this.
- No, you're not. It's mine.
Get out of my way.
I'm serious.
I'm serious, too.
I said, give it to me.
Danny. I'm your father.
So?
So you don't want to do this.
Yeah, I think I do.
Well, then you
leave me no choice then.
Hey! Come back!
Is that any way to parent?
[upbeat rock instrumental]
Search...
Hot contractor...
Correction.
Search angry hot contractor.
[vibrating]
[moaning]
[loud moaning]
[police siren wails]
- [alarm wails distantly]
- [seductive moaning]
[Lisa] Babe.
It's always been tough
with him, even as a baby.
Mm. They're born who they are.
Can you maybe put him
in some kind of program?
I've tried.
Deborah will never go for it.
[Lisa] Mm.
It's only going to get worse.
[Charlie sighs]
I'll talk to him. Again.
So I read through all
the divorce parenting books
and funnily enough,
not one of them gives advice
on what to do when your son
orders drugs through the mail.
Danny, I know it's been
difficult at home
and for the most part,
I'm really proud of
how mature you've been.
I mean, you're growing
into a really great person.
But this?
What you're doing now?
This will fuck up
your life completely.
And no judge is
going to be sympathetic
when you say, "I did it because
I was angry at my parents."
[Danny] I do it
because I love drugs.
Okay, well,
that's an honest answer.
Let me tell you what
I'm proposing to do.
If you tell me
who gave you the money
to help you buy the stuff,
I will give them
back what they paid you
and we will get you
back into counseling.
How does that sound?
[Danny] I want my pot back.
[Charlie] Danny.
[sighs]
[bell tolls]
Everyone's been talking
about the D-type, professor.
You've awoken us.
Please tell us more.
Well, uh, you can't just go
straight to the D-type,
friends.
There's a... There's a million
other places... prayers...
prayers that you
should start with first.
Well, how will we
know where to find it?
Well, you just have to...
Like, like the Pope?
Right, exactly.
[Lisa] I have to
get to the studio.
My show is coming up so fast
and I haven't gotten
any real work done in weeks.
But dinner's ready.
Uh, can I just eat later?
I think it's
important we sit together,
as a family.
Oh, uh, okay.
Right. A spoon.
[Lisa sighing]
Where's Maddie?
She won't come down.
They.
I will be right back.
[footsteps patter]
[Lisa] Can you please,
just come down?
Two minutes.
He made a family dinner for us.
[Maddie] I'm not explaining.
[Lisa] You don't have to
love anybody, you don't have to
like anybody, but you do
have to be polite.
I'll be right back.
Go ahead and start...
[Maddie] Mom,
I've done so much for you. I...
[Lisa] Oh. We're not
gonna start that, are we?
[Maddie] Yes. We can.
[talking over each other]
[Maddie] Please. Stop.
I need to go
to the studio, so...
Do you mind if I talk to them?
[violin music]
See you later.
Knock-knock.
Can I come in?
Fine.
Do you want to
come down for dinner?
I'm not hungry.
Okay.
Do you want to
tell me what's wrong?
My teacher
keeps mis-gendering me.
And he's really being a jerk.
You want to get some doughnuts?
[low piano music]
Yeah.
[employee]
Hi, how can I help you?
Uh, hi. I will
have a black coffee
and they will
have a Boston cream.
[employee]
Okay, one black coffee
and how many Boston creams?
Oh sorry, one.
[employee] They want
one Boston cream, sir?
Yeah, because Maddie
here uses the they pronoun.
[employee] Uh... What?
- The young woman...
- Person.
Sorry.
The young
person seated next to me
does not refer to
themselves as she but as they.
[employee] Uh...
[static hisses]
What do we do now?
I don't know.
[honking]
Should we just go?
Yeah, maybe.
[employee] Would they
like to add a coke
for an extra 79 cents
and make it a meal?
Want a coke?
Yes, they would.
And thank you.
Next time, I will.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Where'd you guys go?
Maddie wanted doughnuts.
I would have liked doughnuts.
Why didn't you take me?
Maddie and I just
needed a little time to talk.
Well, I would have
gone had I been invited.
[sighs]
Maddie said they had a
really good time tonight.
Yeah.
We really bonded.
[Lisa] I think it's really sexy
when you get
along with my kids.
Tomorrow, I think we should all
go go-carting.
I think I have a Groupon.
That's peachy, baby.
[chuckling]
Meow.
Sometimes I worry that
I'm not wild enough for you.
Wild.
You, sir, know nothing of wild.
[chuckling]
[crickets chirping]
[low gentle music]
[typing]
[quirky music]
[typing]
[electric thrumming]
Look at mom.
You think she's okay?
She's been a
little tightly wound.
Where's dad?
I think he
went to the bathroom.
[PA] Welcome to Grand Prix
Carting Indoor Entertainment,
everyone, and a warm welcome
to the Kelly family.
They're celebrating
12 year old Henry's birthday
with us today. Henry was just
promoted to Tenderfoot...
Can I just grow up?
Seriously.
[PA]
Congratulations, Henry.
Oh. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no, no.
[PA] And let's say hello
to a new blended family:
The Goldman-Harpers.
Welcome to their son, Danny,
daughters Anna and Courtney
and a special shout out
to their non-gender
binary child, Maddie!
We showed them!
Smash the patriarchy.
What's wrong with you?
You just outed me in
front of all these people.
What?
I'm just trying to help.
No one asked for your help.
Oh, guys, come on.
Maddie.
Don't mind my dad.
He really does mean well.
I just can't
believed he would do that.
He just wants to be liked.
It's his fatal flaw.
[engine revving]
I'm not going on one of those.
Me neither.
Come on, Mads, it'll be fun.
No way.
I'll go with you.
[seatbelt clicks]
What's wrong?
I'm actually scared of these.
Maddie always calms me down.
It'll be all right.
I've driven these a ton.
You have?
Yeah. Don't worry.
[warm upbeat music]
Woo!
I'm flying!
[Lauren] Just so, you know,
I already have a boyfriend
and a girlfriend
and a consensual
DS relationship
and two friends with benefits.
So I am not looking
for another relationship.
I've got four unruly teenagers
living under one roof.
If you want a piece of that,
be my guest.
Honey, you're so tense.
What are you afraid of?
I got a list.
Do you want to hear it?
[Lauren] Ugh. Quiet.
Just let go.
Let me take care of everything.
You promise to be gentle?
[Lauren] No, I won't.
And you like it that way.
Now, if you get scared
or a little freaked out,
just drop the ball.
- [mechanical whirring]
- Mm!
[muffled speaking]
[Lauren] How's that?
[muffled speaking]
I'm flying!
[muffled speech]
I bet you're a hitch fan now.
[muffled speech]
Oh fuck!
- [smack]
- Ow!
- [Lauren] You okay?
- No!
[muffled speaking]
What's that you say? Harder?
[muffled speech]
- [smack]
- [muffled exclamation]
- [smack]
- [muffled exclamation]
- [Lauren] Harder?
- [muffled speech]
- [loud smack]
- What's that? Harder?
[muffled exclamation]
- [smack]
- [Lauren] Oh!
- [smack]
- [muffled exclamation]
You are a natural, babe.
I didn't know I had it in me.
Ha!
Pro tip...
Sometimes people can get a
little emotional after this.
- We call it, "Drop."
- I feel great.
Trust me, you're gonna want
to find some hugs.
You want me to lose my job?
I got to teach
a class in an hour.
I would not recommend
teaching after this.
Okay, I'll be okay.
I'm a professional.
- Oh.
- Thanks!
Hi, everybody.
Dr. Rawlings.
I didn't know you'd
be visiting class, today.
Your enrollments
have been going up.
I wanted to see what
the excitement was all about.
Oh. Well, we are watching
a comedy today, so I hope
you like the sound of laughter.
[laughter]
Oh.
[hinge squeaking]
You're walking funny.
Am I?
Are you okay?
Get on your knees and
stick your ass in the air.
Yes, sir.
[chuckling]
Does this make
you feel like a man?
Ow, Jesus.
Sorry.
Am I doing it wrong?
Babe, I'm just not in the mood.
I obviously did a bad
job because she's pissed.
You forgot the warm up.
You have to let
it build a little.
Tease her.
[Charlie] I just
want her to be happy.
[Lauren] Alright.
I'm going to
do you a huge favor
and give you a crash course.
You can do a scene
with me tonight at COKC.
[Charlie]
"Central Ohio Kink Convention?"
Cock?
You want me to go to
something called cock?
It's pronounced "coke."
"The premier kink
mecca of the Midwest.
Rope, bondage,
SM skills, warm and wet room
for all you fire players."
Ooh, no,
I don't think I can do that.
Be on time.
And no matter what you see,
don't laugh and
don't cry like a pussy.
A board membership vacant
in conformance with standards
by a vote of a
majority of faculty members.
[beeping]
Aye or nay?
[people] Aye.
[beeping]
[clicking]
[chiming]
For the first time ever,
the prestigious Professor
of Faith award
as voted on by the students,
goes to the newest
member of our faculty,
who now enjoys
the highest enrollment
in the school and I'd
like to ask him to stand,
please say a few
words about his faith:
Professor Charlie Goldman.
Aye.
Uh... No, professor.
Could you stand and
talk about your faith?
My faith?
Um...
[clearing throat]
Uh, what do I have faith in?
Uh, what do I have faith in...
Uh...
You know that feeling
when you thought
you were on solid ground
but then somebody lifts you up,
six, maybe
seven feet in the air
and you know it's going to hurt
and there's
going to be some marks
but you keep going.
God lifted you up, Professor?
It changes your perspective
when you open up like that.
My 17 year old has
a problem with drugs
and I have to remind myself
that he's a smart kid
and I can't solve everything.
But I have to
have enough faith in him
to give him the space
to figure it out, himself.
My new step kid is
gender nonconforming
and I've been trying to
educate people to understand.
And I have faith in
the world that they will be
accepted sooner
rather than later.
And my girlfriend is way
more experienced
sexually than I am...
[Dr. Rawlings clearing throat]
Ixnay. Ixnay...
And I have to not
be intimidated by that
and remember,
that's my problem, not hers.
And I have to have faith in her
when she says she
loves me more than anything.
You can't live
your life being insecure.
And, I... I do have
faith that we will be
a family eventually.
[lilting melodic instrumental]
[boisterous clapping]
Have I been here
long enough for a 401(k)?
[Lisa sighing]
[beep]
[indistinct light rock music]
[beep]
[clicking]
[beep]
Come to Papa.
[Charlie chuckling]
- [leather stretching]
- [Charlie grunting]
[doorbell rings]
[grunt]
[doorbell rings repeatedly]
[leather squeaking]
[quirky music]
[sighs]
[sighing]
[leather squeaking]
[Charlie grunting]
[Danny] Mom, it's me.
Can you pick me up?
[Deborah] I have to go
pick up Danny from Dad's.
[Anna] Can you
take me with you?
Well, we have plans.
My divorced persons group
is coming over to watch
John Wick 3: Parabellum.
Yeah, that sounds awesome,
but I kind of
just wanted to hang out
with Courtney and Maddie.
Oh, I thought
you didn't like them.
- I guess they're alright.
- Mm.
You going to a costume party?
Something like that. Dinner.
Danny's in his room.
[Anna] Actually,
mom just picked him up.
Oh. Have a good night.
[leather squeaking]
[distant music pounds]
Excuse me.
Hi. Sorry to bother you.
I think I'm in the wrong place.
I'm looking for
the S&M festival.
The what?
Man, we're here for a funeral.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm just messing with you, bro.
[mechanical whirring]
First door on your right.
- Thank you.
- [man] Have fun there, buddy.
[Charlie] I'll try.
Welcome to COKC!
Uh, I... I'm not sure...
Oh, you're in the right place.
What's your name?
Uh, uh... Charlie Goldman.
No, your kink name.
Uh, I'm not...
I don't think I have a...
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Mm.
Lauren had this
made specially for you.
Okay.
Right there.
Top or bottom?
Say what now?
I need to know
which bracelet to give you.
Are you a top or a bottom?
Oh, sure. Um, I'm not gay.
Oh, honey, no.
Do you like to
do things to people
or have them done to you?
Can I let you
know in about an hour?
[receptionist] Sure love.
Hey, I know where
Danny keeps his weed.
What do we do with this?
[ding]
[rock music plays]
[Maddie] Yay, I'm starving.
Hey, Court! Don't eat it.
It's um, full of liver.
- Ew.
- [Maddie] Yeah.
[EDM plays]
[swishing and moaning]
Hey.
[moaning, buzzing, and yelping]
Oh, God, no. Oh my God.
- [snap]
- Hey.
Cupcake, in the lounge.
You're next.
Okay. This way?
Now, what's that?
[music thumps]
[various BDSM noises]
[soft rock plays]
[swishing and clattering]
[leather squeaking]
[various BDSM noises]
[loud EDM music]
Ready for your scene?
Sure.
[Lauren] So,
where should we start?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Never in a million years.
Sure.
What is that for?
Let's start with this.
[music volume increases]
[Lauren] See,
it's all about the warm up.
That's not so bad.
I don't feel anything yet.
Ow! Jesus!
I don't...
I don't feel anything yet.
[Maddie]
I feel nothing.
[Anna] It's just such a dud.
[Maddie giggling
uncontrollably]
What?
- What?
- [Courtney] How does it look?
- Do I look okay?
- Um.
[laughter]
Yes. I'm sorry.
That... That was a lot for me,
I'm sor... I'm sorry.
Let's have more.
- I think you look good.
- [Courtney] Are you sure...
I think it looks really good.
I'm... I'm serious.
You guys are
really fun tonight.
[laughter]
[woman] I wish Keanu would...
[woman giggling]
Oh, yes!
That's what I'm talking about.
[woman] Your dog was so cute,
John Wick.
Fuck them up!
[laughter]
[groaning]
[thud]
That, that looks
like your son, Deb.
[Deborah] Danny?
- [loud operatic music]
- Danny?
What are you doing out here?
[woman] Is he okay, Deb?
Honey.
Honey?
[Danny mumbling unintelligibly]
[woman] Oh,
I got him! I got him!
[Danny grunting]
[Deborah] Sh, sh, sh.
Gooo-a-a-l!
Goal!
[applause]
[Danny] Holy shit.
Holy shit.
[voice echoes]
Danny, what did you take?
[woman] Mm-hm.
I'm gay.
[woman] Hm.
Holy shit, I'm gay.
- [woman] Mm.
- [Danny] Breasts.
[woman and Danny gasping]
I'm not gay.
I think I might be bi.
[Deborah] I
think we should take him
to a hospital.
Hey...
How do you know you're gay?
Well, half my class
just came out.
Really?
That's cool.
I think most of 'em are poly.
[Courtney] What's that?
It's when you love everybody.
Guys, I can't feel my legs.
I think I'm paralyzed.
[Courtney] You're standing up.
You can't be paralyzed.
No, I can't feel my legs.
- [Courtney] Okay?
- Courtney!
- What?
- Can you call mom?
- Call mom!
- I am!
- [Anna] She's calling her.
- I can't feel my leg!
- I'm paralyzed!
- [Courtney] Okay!
- [Maddie] Call her...
- She's not picking up.
Dream on
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Two, three, four
Dream on
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Two, three, four
Surprise, bitch.
[Dr. Fun] Let's have some fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Dream on
Two, three, four
Oh, ho, ho.
Turn you around now.
There we go.
Yeah. Yeah.
[Dr. Fun laughs]
Pineapple.
- [Lisa laughing]
- Pineapple!
[swishing]
Lisa?
Charlie.
[both chuckling]
- Oh, you look great.
- [Dr. Fun] Pineapple.
Have you been
taking lessons for me?
For us.
I'm taking lessons for us.
- Is this your boyfriend, Lisa?
- Yeah.
What, come on,
you guys know each other?
Pine. Apple!
Oh, sorry, honey. Okay.
Dr. Rawlings?
Dr. Rawlings, I didn't
know you were a kinkster.
What did you expect?
You think D-type
really means divine?
I hope I can count on
your discretion, Professor.
Of course,
as long as I can keep my job.
Done.
Good because I
like working there.
Wait, what's going on here?
Huh. A kinkster.
Step aside, Lauren,
if anyone's going to whip
my man, it's going to be me.
[chuckling]
- [smack]
- Ow. Fuck.
Danny, will you please
stop doing that, honey?
Oh! Charlie,
will you please pick up?
I am taking Danny
to Columbus Children's.
I don't even think that I...
- Have the insurance card.
- Oh no.
[Danny] Oh shit!
[Deborah] Oh, Jesus!
God, get the hell back in here!
- [Danny] Woo!
- I understand,
but it is my
ex-husband's insurance,
and I can't get a hold of him
because he's a selfish,
irresponsible jerk.
Actually,
this entire thing is his fault.
- The divorce was very hard...
- Honey. Not everyone you meet
will see your magic.
Sign here,
initial here and sign here.
Oh shit.
[distant EDM music]
- 15 messages?
- 12 messages?
Oh!
- Oh, I'm a bottom.
- [whispered] I know.
[leather squeaking]
You know, with everything
that's happened
in the last few years,
with the divorce and all,
I just felt like I've lost
everything.
So much has changed.
Divorce sucks.
Hah. Yeah.
But I used to only have
one asshole brother
and now I have you guys.
I thought I was cursed.
But now I realize
I'm actually pretty lucky.
[hurried footsteps]
[leather creaking]
Hey.
How is he?
Looks like
you've had quite a night.
Why would you do something
like this to yourself?
Sir, he's okay.
We're just going
to keep him overnight.
None of this would have
happened if you hadn't left.
Actually, that's not true.
[Danny muttering quietly]
[whimpering]
- Oh, it's okay...
- Get off me!
- Danny...
- Get off!
[Deborah] It's okay, Danny.
Get off me! Get off me!
- Danny it's okay...
- Get off!
I need some help in here!
- Get off me!
- It's okay, Danny.
- Get off me!
- Will you let them work?
How many times
must I get it wrong
Before it feels
like I'm getting this right
How many times
Must the pendulum swing
Before I just let go
And call it a night?
[nurse] This is the number
to Maple Hill Academy.
This place saved my
little brother's life.
- It's a school?
- Yes.
A residential program
for teen drug addiction.
Send him away?
[scoffs] No, never.
Then I promise you,
we will be back here again.
[hospital din]
I can move in until
the school takes him.
Okay. We can try that.
What the hell?
[sighs]
[sighing]
Geez.
- You have any sevens?
- [laughter]
Hey. Are you guys okay?
What happened to Courtney?
She wanted to
look like Paul Stanley.
You guys know better than this.
[sighing]
Okay um, can you guys
go to sleep now, please?
We'll discuss this
in the morning.
- [retreating footsteps]
- [door closing]
[chuckling]
[bird tweeting]
Hey, how's he doin'?
He's sleeping.
Finally.
What happened here?
They found Danny's pot
and put it in
the pasta casserole.
Oh no.
Is everyone okay?
Yeah, fine. No one
ever died from eating pot.
[light sobbing]
Hey, don't worry.
Everybody's going to be okay.
My situation is crazy, Lisa.
And now I exposed
your kids to this
when I let you move in,
knowing that things
weren't under control.
It is not your fault.
I knew what I was doing.
I was selfish and impulsive.
Maybe, a little bit,
but the kids are fine.
Everything is going to be okay.
I don't know, I thought
I was ready for this, but...
Uh, maybe we moved too fast.
Well, we're here now.
I know.
I... I just, I mean, do you
think we made a mistake?
Are you breaking up with me?
No, I... I need to help, Danny.
I should have been there
for him and I fucked up.
You did everything you could.
I...
[gentle piano music]
Go be with your son, Charlie.
Sorry, mom.
We shouldn't have done it.
It's not that.
[shuddering breath]
We're going to have
to move again, aren't we?
I... I don't know.
Where am I?
The hospital.
Why? Am I sick?
No. You took four tabs of acid.
Why would I do
something stupid like that?
I have no idea. You tell me.
Beats me.
You remember anything?
They killed John Wick's dog.
And then?
And then I woke up here.
Jesus, Danny.
Sorry.
Well, that's not good enough.
What do you want me to say?
I don't know, maybe that
you'll never
do anything like this
the rest of your life.
Okay.
You got it.
I understand.
You guys are going
through a lot right now.
It's just temporary. I promise.
This is how it has to be.
Family first.
This reminds me
when you were little
and you couldn't
sleep and I used to come
into your room
and tell you a story.
You remember?
No.
Want me to
tell you a story now?
Okay.
Once upon a
time in Los Angeles,
a mild mannered insurance
agent, Walter Neff,
is going on about his day,
talking to clients and trying
to get policies renewed
when he visits a beautiful
woman named Phyllis,
- [phone buzzing]
- who's trying to get
her husband to renew his
auto insurance policy.
Never mind. It's okay.
Dad.
It's the story
of Double Indemnity.
You've told it to
me a million times.
Let's just go to bed, okay?
Sure.
Goodnight, Dad.
Goodnight.
[clicking]
[Charlie sighing]
[siren blaring]
[tense music]
[indistinct voices over radios]
Danny?
Danny!
[indistinct voice over radio]
Oh, hey.
You're here?
Yeah.
Where did you think I was?
Are you fucking kidding me,
motherfuck?
Holy shit!
Fuck!
- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
I thought you were
just getting arrested!
No.
Who were you texting earlier?
Anna.
She's dealing with
some cyber bullying stuff.
Do you have any
idea how stressful it is
worrying about
you all the time?
Really? Dad?
You're going to talk
to me about your stress
and your feelings again.
You don't think it
was stressful for me
listening to you and
mom fighting every night,
arguing over
which side of your family
my problems come from.
Blaming each
other that I'm fucked up.
How do you think
that makes me feel?
You don't think
I'm my own person,
capable of
making my own choices?
Of course we do...
We're... We're just
looking for answers.
How is that
looking for answers?
Screaming at each other?
Blaming each other?
You always act like I should be
so grateful to you guys.
Saying all that you do for me.
But how often do you stop
and ask yourself
what it might be like
to be in my shoes?
I'm sorry.
Don't be. It's not about you.
Who do you
think has Anna's back?
She plays like she's fine
because she wants
to be the good kid.
But I know it's just an act.
Yeah.
Sorry.
[gentle music]
I've decided to
go to this new school.
Okay.
I'm really scared.
I'm scared, too.
That never goes away.
There's always going to be
something new
to be scared about.
You're such a good kid, Danny.
Or... Sorry. Man.
We're all going
to get through this.
I promise.
[folk instrumental plays]
Oh, hey, you the new roomie?
Yeah.
Oh, you gon' wan
tuck that bad boy in.
I'm Justin.
Uh, Danny.
[Justin] Nice to
meet you, Danny.
- Where you from?
- Columbus.
You a Buckeye fan?
Not really.
I'm more of a hockey fan.
They got any
Black people in Hockey?
A few, some of the younger
guys, actually.
Tight.
Well, we got to
get to chapel.
But you want to come along,
we'll save you a seat.
Love you.
[Danny] Love you, too.
Take care.
[Danny] Thanks, Dad.
[exhales]
Please don't touch me.
It makes my skin crawl.
[Charlie sighing]
Relationships end, Deborah.
Just a fact of life.
You just didn't see my magic.
Get out, you can
walk the rest of the way.
What?
It's 100 hundred miles.
I said out.
[Deborah sniffling]
[engine rumbling]
[beeping]
[Charlie] Corn flakes, popcorn.
Corn cakes.
Cornucopia.
Corn.
[distant car approaching]
Hey old man.
How about we get
you off those bad knees?
[indistinct pop music]
Danny okay?
I think he's going to be fine.
How'd you
get so caught?
How'd you get...
Have a nice day,
my little squeaky toy.
I love you
Like it's the old days
When I could ask
you anything
How'd you get so tangled
up in my thinking?
How'd you get so caught?
How'd you get
so tangled up?
[bright acoustic guitar strums]
Scouring your
mom's Facebook
Googling your name
Today I went to the spot
Where you laid down
In front of a train
But oh
Nothing stays
the same
Anyway
Nothing stays the same
Anyway
Anyway
Well, maybe I could cry
Or maybe I'm
just that in denial
But maybe you're a vampire
Who knows
he can't come home
But chances are
I'm really just
That much more alone
That much more alone
That much more alone
I don't even
have your number
So I can call your phone
Or listen to your voicemail
I can't remember
What you sound like now
But oh
Nothing stays the same
Anyway
Nothing stays the same
Anyway
Anyway
heard of the G-spot.
But on today's episode
of Mastering Her Mysteries,
we take you on a
search for the elusive A-spot.
The A-spot is
located about two inches
deeper in the
vagina than the G-spot.
The best way to find it is to
reach in with two fingers
and move them in kind
of a windshield wiper motion
instead of in and out.
We went on a date
We walked and tried...
[easy rock plays indistinctly]
[click]
[beep]
Dad?
What are you listening to?
Hockey game.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, that smell is coming
from Danny's room, again.
I will deal with it.
He's really taking
advantage of you, you know?
[beep]
Who are you talking to?
No one.
Dad, you have children,
remember?
I will be there in a second.
- [Anna] Dad!
- Okay.
[grunts]
Goddammit, Danny.
- What did we say about this?
- I forget.
[Charlie] Did you even
read the article I sent you?
Remind me?
About pot and
its negative effect
on the frontal lobe
of the adolescent male brain.
Oh, that one. Yes, thanks.
It was super compelling.
You cannot smoke pot
in this house, it's illegal.
The laws are in a
constant state of flux.
It's very confusing.
[Anna] He's also
flirting with my friends.
I'm sorry, but you have lost
all moral
authority to judge me.
I'm your father.
In name only.
[Anna] Dad, are you
gonna stand for that?
Don't worry, I'm handling it.
[rapid hand drum instrumental]
Ahh!
Yo...
[gurgling]
[quirky guitar music]
[Charlie coughing]
I'll be back.
[Anna] Where are you going?
To talk to your mother.
[Anna] Oh, can you take me?
No, it's my night.
[Charlie] Shit.
[engine revving]
[Deborah] Finally,
ready to move back in?
Danny's smoking
a lot of pot, again.
Really strong pot.
Well, you ruined his life,
what do you expect?
How is this my fault?
You abandoned the family.
You need to man up
and come back.
A child needs two parents.
He has two parents.
Under the same roof.
Our relationship is over,
Deborah.
Our son is
taking massive quantities
of drugs and we need
to deal with this together.
This is a very
stressful situation.
Why don't you come inside
and we will discuss it.
We're divorced. It's over.
Let's work on it
for the sake of the children...
No. Don't try and manipulate me
after what you did.
[Deborah] After what I did?
When a 20 year old
texts her teacher
that she's dreaming
about his penis,
the proper response is not
the wide eyed emoji.
I made a mistake. Don't you think I
beat myself up about that every day?
I wanted to teach you a lesson.
You needed to grow up.
You didn't have to go
to the administration
and get me fired.
Who does that to their husband?
You're okay. You got a new job.
Yeah. And where is that job?
[bell tolls]
Hm.
Huh.
[quirky investigative
instrumental]
[mouthing words silently]
We are so blessed to be able
to find a real movie teacher
to come here
and a bona fide
Christian one, too.
Thanks for taking a
chance on me, Provost Rawlings.
We believe in second chances,
don't we?
[chuckles]
But the fact is,
the college is
having enrollment problems
and we're
counting on you to save us.
- Great.
- Yeah.
The Chronicle of
Christian Colleges
says students
really like watching movies
and you get 40% more students
if you start a movie program.
We call it a film program,
actually.
I don't care what you call it,
cupcake,
just hit that 40%.
Everybody, I want to
introduce Professor Goldman.
He's going to be
our new movie teacher.
Film teacher.
Praise Jesus, guys.
[easy rock plays]
Took a
walk in the woods
To think of all
the things that I could do
To get you
off of my mind...
- Lisa.
- Charlie.
- Hey.
- Hi.
You're Lisa Harper.
You're a famous artist.
There's no such
thing as a famous artist
in Columbus,
Ohio, Charlie but...
I was at your
show opening last year.
I need to get you
out of my mind
I remember.
I just want to be clear
with you right from the start:
I meant what I
said in my profile.
I am really just
playing the field right now.
I'm not interested in monogamy
- or a relationship...
- No, neither am I.
I mean, we're grown ups with
kids and responsibilities.
The last thing I want
is a serious commitment.
[rapid drum kit instrumental]
[Lisa moaning]
[Charlie] Oh yeah.
[both panting]
[Lisa] Yes.
You said you
had two kids, right?
Mm-hm.
Maddie is 18
and Courtney is 15.
Where's their dad?
He um, he moved to Europe.
A long time ago.
We don't see him.
Sorry. That's awful.
No, don't feel sorry for us.
[Charlie humming]
Oh. Okay.
Mm. Mm.
Have you heard of the A-spot?
Uh, I think
you mean the G-spot?
This is the G-spot's
sexy next door neighbor.
Um, oh. Mm.
I think what you're going for
might be a little bit
if you would just um...
Oh, bold.
[moaning]
Slower.
Harder.
Deeper.
Smarter.
Faster now.
Yeah, that's it.
Faster now.
Faster, faster.
Slower now, slower.
[gasping]
Wow! Oh, my God!
Wow!
[panting]
Oh, wow, oh.
[moaning]
Woah.
Mm.
[Charlie] Can I see you later?
Oh, I um, have a rule never
to see the same
person twice in a week.
Oh right. You said that.
- You don't want to get...
- Get attached. Yeah.
But uh, I had a great time.
So did I. So maybe next week?
Yeah.
Well. In fact,
today's Saturday,
so next week starts tomorrow.
Mm, alright, so maybe...
Thursday. Hmm?
Mm. I was actually thinking
tomorrow's Sunday but
if we go on a date tonight,
it'll already be next
week by the time we're done.
[Charlie chuckling]
Okay.
[Lisa laughing]
[exhales]
So uh, I met
someone I really like.
You, the Tinder Queen?
Hey, stop your yapping.
- [slap]
- [Lisa moans]
I'm trying to concentrate!
- [slap]
- Sorry, Dr. Fun.
[pop rock instrumental]
I went out of my way
I went out of my way
On my way to
go to work today...
Take that,
my little squeaky toys.
I went by the place,
went by the place
The place
we used to stay
Having fun, yet, Dr. Fun?
Want me to come
[giggling]
[gasping]
Take that.
Baby don't
you want me to come
Over to see you, see you
Mom, we had this last night.
And the night before.
She's still hungry.
Sorry.
They are still hungry.
She's fine.
Look how happy she is.
Ah!
They're fine.
Look how happy they are.
Where's Anna?
She said she's not coming.
This is my night.
The judge gave me
Wednesday and Thursday.
Don't worry,
she'll come around.
You think?
Maybe when she's 30.
[moaning]
[Lisa] What's up, baby?
You seem a little distracted.
Uh. [chuckles]
I'm just feeling
a tad guilty.
Guilty? What do you
have to feel guilty about?
I have a list just, you know,
so I could keep track.
Mm.
Do you want to hear it?
Okay.
Breaking up my family.
- [Lisa] Mm-hm.
- Forcing my kids to move
- from one house to another.
- [Lisa] Mm-hm.
Pretending to be an evangelical
Christian professor.
[Lisa] Mm-hm.
- Puppy Mills.
- [Lisa] Mm.
Uh, buying organic milk
or not buying organic milk.
Radiation from
the cell phone tow...
[shudders]
It's dissipating.
[whispers]
My guilt is dissipating.
Mm.
[chuckles softly]
Puppy Mills.
You um,
you said that one already.
[Charlie chuckles]
Hey, um, do I have
your consent to blow your mind?
Uh, consent.
[chuckles] Sure.
Oh! Fuck!
[softly] I'm sorry, baby,
did I hurt you?
Uh... No.
Well, yeah, actually.
- I thought you deserved it.
- Oh.
[sultry chucking]
Ooh...
It wasn't half bad.
Mm-hm.
[giggling]
[Lisa] Hey, pull my hair.
[Charlie] Oh, mm...
- [Lisa] Pull my hair.
- [Charlie] Mm.
[chuckles] Harder.
[Charlie] I can't.
I'm a feminist!
Baby, I'm a feminist
and that means I get to decide.
Now pull my hair.
Yeah. Um... Okay.
Spank me.
I know you can do it.
Come on.
Who's my daddy?
You're my daddy.
No. Don't. That's...
That like triggers
my parental instincts.
I... Don't do that, don't st...
No! This isn't
parental punishment.
This is sexy punishment.
Mm.
I can't... I keep thinking
about Danny when he
was five and I spanked him
and I still
feel badly about it.
No guilt. We got rid
of the guilt, remember?
Yeah, but it's back.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Lisa.
Really. I really am.
It's okay, baby.
We'll try again soon.
I know, it's
important to you.
[Lisa "aw's"]
I'm interested.
[sultry chuckling]
Can you send me some articles?
[woman moans]
Mm. I'm not sure I can do this.
[woman gasping]
It's not for everyone.
[woman moaning]
Tell me what you like about it.
Imagine the most spiritual
experience you've ever had.
Have you ever heard
of the D-type?
I'm still trying to
figure out the A-spot.
- [chuckles]
- No...
The D-type is
the dominant type.
The D-type
takes control and you
give yourself
over to them completely.
For me, it's like
when you go running
and you think you
can't take another step
but then you go past that.
But why would she
want him to put a little
Louisville slugger
bat down there?
Mm, that's her kink.
Everybody's different.
I'll think on it.
Mm.
Listen um, Dr. Fun.
I'm going to be
leaving the group.
"COKC" is coming up soon.
We need you, Lisa.
I know. I'm sorry.
I just don't think
he would understand.
Lisa, you've got secrets.
We've all got secrets.
But this is a part of you.
You are going to
make yourself miserable.
I'll see you around, Dr. Fun.
[quirky instrumental]
Ow!
Fuh...
- Hi.
- Hi.
Can... Can I help?
Yeah. Uh, hm...
Just kind of... Mm.
I'd go with the larger one.
It's one of our
most popular models.
You know,
for both your pleasure.
Mm. Okay, then.
[pop instrumental]
[vocalist scatting]
This is way too
fast and totally crazy
but, your place is tiny and
I have all this extra space.
Are you asking me
to move in with you?
Totally insane, right?
Forget I mentioned it.
[chuckles] Good.
Because I'm from...
I'm from a big family.
I miss that
more than anything, but...
These things take time.
Can't just rush
into something like this.
Obviously, you can't expect
to be a new family right away.
- Forget it.
- Yeah. Agreed.
But neither of us
is getting any younger.
No, let's face it. We're old.
[chuckles]
And I don't want to
miss another day without you.
That's so sweet.
Especially since
I really don't know
how much time we have left.
Yeah, you know, let's face it,
either of us could drop dead.
- At any time.
- I have high cholesterol
and my knees kind
of hurt all the time.
The men in my
family never live past 55.
I really don't
know how to sleep alone.
My lease is month to month.
So is that a yes?
Let's do it.
[Charlie] I don't remember them
making four different dinners
on The Brady Bunch. Mm.
Mm! Don't touch that!
That's for dinner.
Did you get the article
I sent you about using
non-binary gender
pronouns for Maddie?
Yes. Thanks.
It was very compelling.
[Charlie] I'll summarize.
Maddie does not
identify as a he or she.
They use the "They" pronoun.
I don't feel like I was born
with the right pronouns,
either.
I'd like for you to
please refer to me as, "us."
Danny, will us set
the table then.
[laughs]
I like it.
Sounds kind of British.
Sorry, teacher,
us didn't do our homework.
Okay, this dinner is
really important to me.
And I'd really appreciate it
if you could be
nice to Lisa's kids.
Well, it's not important to me.
My allegiance is to
the English language.
How's the veggie
burger, Maddie?
It's excellent.
Do you have barbecue sauce?
We do. Let me get it for them.
Thank you.
[Charlie] Maddie's a
really great violin player.
No, really? They are?
Anna plays ukulele.
It's really cool.
Courtney. You're a Kiss fan.
My first concert ever
was the Destroyer Tour.
Jesus, you're old.
- Courtney.
- [Charlie chuckles]
Oh, it's uh... It's cool.
I'm old.
[laughter]
I'm sick of meeting
all your boyfriends, mom.
Boyfriends.
What are you talking about?
[chuckling]
I'm a virgin.
Virginity is a construct!
When can we go home?
Uh...
Courtney, this is
going to be our new home.
You didn't tell me that.
We just talked
about it on the ride here.
I thought you were kidding.
[Maddie] This is insane.
I... I don't want to live here.
Well, we don't want them,
either.
That's not true.
Look it, you guys,
we're very happy
that you're all moving in.
Right, Anna?
Yeah, I'm super excited.
But I'm mostly at my mom's,
so I'll probably never see you.
Just make sure you stay
out of my room
and don't touch my makeup.
All right, that's enough.
Look, I know
this is a little
awkward for you guys...
[Danny] No, what's
awkward is hearing you guys
have sex all the time.
Ew.
Alright, Danny, I hear you.
No, the problem is, I hear you.
Dan...
[Anna] Don't worry, he's
a lot nicer when he's stoned.
It was a
pleasure meeting you both.
You two.
[retreating footsteps]
[sighing]
I'm sorry, guys.
Don't worry about them.
[Lisa sighing]
[Lisa] I am happy for
the first time in years.
He's a good guy. Trust me.
Maybe this is just too soon?
No. I can't live without you.
Babe.
Me neither.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[Courtney] Mom... Come on!
[Lisa] Get in the car.
[Maddie] It's locked.
[Lisa sighing]
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Kay.
- Kay.
Danny.
Danny.
What?
I know things are difficult.
But would it have killed
you to be a little nicer?
It would have
because I don't approve
of anything that you're doing.
I don't need your approval.
I'm the adult.
Well, how about we just
agree that you do what
you want and I do what I want?
It doesn't work that way.
We're not equals.
You're right.
I'm better than you.
[muffled hard rock music]
Oh, my gosh.
[overlapping conversation]
[Courtney]
Okay, I'm not gonna...
[Maddie] This is yours.
[Courtney] I can't grab this...
[Lisa] Wait! Wai-Wait!
[Courtney] Wait!
Don't cover his face!
He can't breathe!
Can I just...
Gently. Gently.
Okay.
What... What is this?
I'm not helping.
[fast jazzy pop instrumental]
[Lisa] Hey,
these aren't too heavy.
- [Charlie] Oh.
- [Lisa] Okay, this one?
- [Charlie] Oh yeah!
- You're amazing,
you're amazing. And I love you.
Love you, too.
Yeah, I know. I really
can't believe it either.
[teen]
Well, your father's insane.
[Anna] Oh my God,
they're here right now.
[teen] This is all so fast.
Did your father happen to run
a background
check on these people?
[Anna] Yeah,
I don't really know about that.
[teen]
Well, we should definitely
get you some pepper spray,
you can keep it...
[Lisa] You got this?
Do you want me to take it?
- I got it. Just...
- You got it?
- I got it.
- Okay.
Okay! You got it. Good.
[thumping]
[exhales] Kay.
Uh, is over here good?
- [Charlie] Uh...
- [Lisa] Okay, great.
Will you
excuse me for a second?
[Lisa] Hey, you okay?
Yeah. Great.
Be right back.
[fast-paced drumming]
I think we may
need to get a mini-van.
- [Courtney] I'm hungry.
- [Anna] Me too.
Okay, guys,
where do you want to eat?
- McDonald's...
- Sushi.
Really want to try this
place that only serves toast.
Okay. Danny?
I want...
Steak tartare.
[Courtney]
What the fuck is that?
- Courtney.
- What?
- You taught me to curse?
- [giggling]
That's okay.
My kids curse all the time.
[Anna] I don't curse.
And steak tartare
is raw hamburger.
Great. So McDonald's, it is.
Us can't get raw meat there.
I want toast.
[Anna] Ugh,
McDonald's is so gross.
And I'm a vegetarian.
[Courtney] Well,
French fries are vegetarian.
No, they're not.
They have beef fat.
That sounds
like bullshit to me.
- Courtney...!
- I'm googling it right now.
Guys, can we maybe compromise
on a place we all agree on?
[Danny] Stop trying
to be the peacemaker, Dad.
It just makes us hate you more.
[Anna] You have to admit,
objectively,
McDonald's is literally gross.
There is no objective reality,
uh, literally and you're
just a stuck up rich bitch.
Ow!
Maddie, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Your kid just hit my kid.
Do I have to pull over?
No.
Taco Bell is vegetarian.
Could have gone there.
Seriously?
Just sayin'.
So I thought
we'd start with a scene
from Sullivan's Travels,
which is one of the
classic American comedies
directed by the great
Preston Sturges.
How many of you have
heard of Preston Sturges?
Okay.
Well, you are in for a treat.
[pop music plays]
Oh, no, no.
Mm-mm.
Sh... No, no.
Okay,... That, that's not it.
That's not Preston Sturges.
It's not.
[sighs]
Hi, Professor Goldman.
We are just really
struggling to understand
what just happened in there.
I had the same problem.
But if you bend it in half,
it clears a lot of things up.
Pray with us
before it's too late.
- Pray?
- [student 2] Of course,
everyone here prays together.
Oh, okay.
[Charlie] Let us pray.
Um, but the teacher
usually leads us in prayer.
Oh, right, sure. Sure.
Just talk from the heart.
Tell us what happened
when you first found Jesus.
Well, it was the most...
Spiritual experience
I've ever had.
Have you ever
heard of the D-type?
The D-type is the dominant...
Divine type.
He means the Divine type
is our master.
You... Go on, professor.
The D-type knows
what you like best
but this is more like
a transformation of energy
from one all
powerful being to another.
Like, like, running,
running so fast
until you can't move
and then you go past that.
The master may even smack you
in the face because
he loves you so much.
The D-type is our daddy...
Our, our father.
Can you tell me
more about this D-type?
What?
The D-type.
I'm really interested.
I've been looking for
articles but without success.
Are you making fun of me?
- No, not at all.
- Mm-hm.
I...
You know,
my students were curious.
You talked about that?
What kind of Christian
school do you work at?
It's very progressive.
Clearly. Okay.
Um, let's try it out
if you're so curious.
What? Now?
Of course.
The only way to
understand the D-type
is to be the D-type.
[seductive moaning]
Okay, Tiger, you're in charge.
What are you going to do?
Sex.
Not yet.
You have to be a
little creative, okay?
Must have a million fantasies.
Don't you, dirty boy?
Sure, all guys do.
Mm-hm.
So, what's your fantasy?
Um...
Now you're
putting me on the spot.
Good.
What are you thinking about?
Diced tomatoes.
Oh.
That could be hot.
I mean, I've never tried
that but I am always game.
No, I forgot to
buy diced tomatoes
for the stew
I'm making tonight.
You have a sexy woman
tied to your bed
and you're thinking
about dinner?
It's the most
important ingredient.
[sighs loudly]
I guess I can
make it without it.
Reach under the bed.
There's a bag of toys.
Mm-hm.
- [clicking]
- Tighter.
- [clicking]
- Tighter.
- [clicking]
- Tighter.
- [buzzing]
- Tighter.
- [buzzing]
- Ignore it.
This is our time. Tighter.
- [clicking]
- [buzzing]
Focus on your task.
What if it's one of the kids?
Deborah will handle it.
[buzzing]
- What is it?
- Danny got another suspicious
- package in the mail.
- So?
So it's probably drugs.
I'll be back in a minute.
I promise.
Sorry.
[clears throat]
[Charlie] Ss... Sorry.
- Won't take a second.
- Mm-hm.
[Lisa sighing]
[Deborah] Little fast to
move in with your girlfriend,
wouldn't you say?
It's from Oregon.
Who does he know in Oregon?
[Deborah] Is she a criminal?
Or a check forger?
Identity thief, bigamist?
She's none of those things!
[Deborah] Ha! How do you know?
I trust her.
You trust everyone
with my children.
Oh. Whoa.
Did he order this
from Amazon or something?
What are you going to do?
- Flush it down the toilet?
- Oh! No.
That thing will
not fit down there.
And I can't afford a plumber
now that I'm a single mom.
- [Anna] What?
- [Charlie] Can I come in?
- It's an emergency.
- [Anna] I'm busy!
Anna, open the door
right now.
What the hell is going on?
- When did you start smoking?
- Since the divorce.
And I'm very traumatized
since mom said
you ruined my life.
[Charlie] Ugh!
[Deborah] Well, didn't you?
[Charlie] I will
deal with you later!
[Anna] Hey, don't forget,
I'm the good kid.
[Danny] Mail come yet?
[Charlie] Oh, it sure did.
Who said that
you could open my package?
[Charlie] You do
realize getting drugs
in the mail is a felony.
It's from Oregon.
It's legal there.
That doesn't matter.
I've been very traumatized
since mom told me
you ruined my life.
- I'm taking this.
- No, you're not. It's mine.
Get out of my way.
I'm serious.
I'm serious, too.
I said, give it to me.
Danny. I'm your father.
So?
So you don't want to do this.
Yeah, I think I do.
Well, then you
leave me no choice then.
Hey! Come back!
Is that any way to parent?
[upbeat rock instrumental]
Search...
Hot contractor...
Correction.
Search angry hot contractor.
[vibrating]
[moaning]
[loud moaning]
[police siren wails]
- [alarm wails distantly]
- [seductive moaning]
[Lisa] Babe.
It's always been tough
with him, even as a baby.
Mm. They're born who they are.
Can you maybe put him
in some kind of program?
I've tried.
Deborah will never go for it.
[Lisa] Mm.
It's only going to get worse.
[Charlie sighs]
I'll talk to him. Again.
So I read through all
the divorce parenting books
and funnily enough,
not one of them gives advice
on what to do when your son
orders drugs through the mail.
Danny, I know it's been
difficult at home
and for the most part,
I'm really proud of
how mature you've been.
I mean, you're growing
into a really great person.
But this?
What you're doing now?
This will fuck up
your life completely.
And no judge is
going to be sympathetic
when you say, "I did it because
I was angry at my parents."
[Danny] I do it
because I love drugs.
Okay, well,
that's an honest answer.
Let me tell you what
I'm proposing to do.
If you tell me
who gave you the money
to help you buy the stuff,
I will give them
back what they paid you
and we will get you
back into counseling.
How does that sound?
[Danny] I want my pot back.
[Charlie] Danny.
[sighs]
[bell tolls]
Everyone's been talking
about the D-type, professor.
You've awoken us.
Please tell us more.
Well, uh, you can't just go
straight to the D-type,
friends.
There's a... There's a million
other places... prayers...
prayers that you
should start with first.
Well, how will we
know where to find it?
Well, you just have to...
Like, like the Pope?
Right, exactly.
[Lisa] I have to
get to the studio.
My show is coming up so fast
and I haven't gotten
any real work done in weeks.
But dinner's ready.
Uh, can I just eat later?
I think it's
important we sit together,
as a family.
Oh, uh, okay.
Right. A spoon.
[Lisa sighing]
Where's Maddie?
She won't come down.
They.
I will be right back.
[footsteps patter]
[Lisa] Can you please,
just come down?
Two minutes.
He made a family dinner for us.
[Maddie] I'm not explaining.
[Lisa] You don't have to
love anybody, you don't have to
like anybody, but you do
have to be polite.
I'll be right back.
Go ahead and start...
[Maddie] Mom,
I've done so much for you. I...
[Lisa] Oh. We're not
gonna start that, are we?
[Maddie] Yes. We can.
[talking over each other]
[Maddie] Please. Stop.
I need to go
to the studio, so...
Do you mind if I talk to them?
[violin music]
See you later.
Knock-knock.
Can I come in?
Fine.
Do you want to
come down for dinner?
I'm not hungry.
Okay.
Do you want to
tell me what's wrong?
My teacher
keeps mis-gendering me.
And he's really being a jerk.
You want to get some doughnuts?
[low piano music]
Yeah.
[employee]
Hi, how can I help you?
Uh, hi. I will
have a black coffee
and they will
have a Boston cream.
[employee]
Okay, one black coffee
and how many Boston creams?
Oh sorry, one.
[employee] They want
one Boston cream, sir?
Yeah, because Maddie
here uses the they pronoun.
[employee] Uh... What?
- The young woman...
- Person.
Sorry.
The young
person seated next to me
does not refer to
themselves as she but as they.
[employee] Uh...
[static hisses]
What do we do now?
I don't know.
[honking]
Should we just go?
Yeah, maybe.
[employee] Would they
like to add a coke
for an extra 79 cents
and make it a meal?
Want a coke?
Yes, they would.
And thank you.
Next time, I will.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Where'd you guys go?
Maddie wanted doughnuts.
I would have liked doughnuts.
Why didn't you take me?
Maddie and I just
needed a little time to talk.
Well, I would have
gone had I been invited.
[sighs]
Maddie said they had a
really good time tonight.
Yeah.
We really bonded.
[Lisa] I think it's really sexy
when you get
along with my kids.
Tomorrow, I think we should all
go go-carting.
I think I have a Groupon.
That's peachy, baby.
[chuckling]
Meow.
Sometimes I worry that
I'm not wild enough for you.
Wild.
You, sir, know nothing of wild.
[chuckling]
[crickets chirping]
[low gentle music]
[typing]
[quirky music]
[typing]
[electric thrumming]
Look at mom.
You think she's okay?
She's been a
little tightly wound.
Where's dad?
I think he
went to the bathroom.
[PA] Welcome to Grand Prix
Carting Indoor Entertainment,
everyone, and a warm welcome
to the Kelly family.
They're celebrating
12 year old Henry's birthday
with us today. Henry was just
promoted to Tenderfoot...
Can I just grow up?
Seriously.
[PA]
Congratulations, Henry.
Oh. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no, no.
[PA] And let's say hello
to a new blended family:
The Goldman-Harpers.
Welcome to their son, Danny,
daughters Anna and Courtney
and a special shout out
to their non-gender
binary child, Maddie!
We showed them!
Smash the patriarchy.
What's wrong with you?
You just outed me in
front of all these people.
What?
I'm just trying to help.
No one asked for your help.
Oh, guys, come on.
Maddie.
Don't mind my dad.
He really does mean well.
I just can't
believed he would do that.
He just wants to be liked.
It's his fatal flaw.
[engine revving]
I'm not going on one of those.
Me neither.
Come on, Mads, it'll be fun.
No way.
I'll go with you.
[seatbelt clicks]
What's wrong?
I'm actually scared of these.
Maddie always calms me down.
It'll be all right.
I've driven these a ton.
You have?
Yeah. Don't worry.
[warm upbeat music]
Woo!
I'm flying!
[Lauren] Just so, you know,
I already have a boyfriend
and a girlfriend
and a consensual
DS relationship
and two friends with benefits.
So I am not looking
for another relationship.
I've got four unruly teenagers
living under one roof.
If you want a piece of that,
be my guest.
Honey, you're so tense.
What are you afraid of?
I got a list.
Do you want to hear it?
[Lauren] Ugh. Quiet.
Just let go.
Let me take care of everything.
You promise to be gentle?
[Lauren] No, I won't.
And you like it that way.
Now, if you get scared
or a little freaked out,
just drop the ball.
- [mechanical whirring]
- Mm!
[muffled speaking]
[Lauren] How's that?
[muffled speaking]
I'm flying!
[muffled speech]
I bet you're a hitch fan now.
[muffled speech]
Oh fuck!
- [smack]
- Ow!
- [Lauren] You okay?
- No!
[muffled speaking]
What's that you say? Harder?
[muffled speech]
- [smack]
- [muffled exclamation]
- [smack]
- [muffled exclamation]
- [Lauren] Harder?
- [muffled speech]
- [loud smack]
- What's that? Harder?
[muffled exclamation]
- [smack]
- [Lauren] Oh!
- [smack]
- [muffled exclamation]
You are a natural, babe.
I didn't know I had it in me.
Ha!
Pro tip...
Sometimes people can get a
little emotional after this.
- We call it, "Drop."
- I feel great.
Trust me, you're gonna want
to find some hugs.
You want me to lose my job?
I got to teach
a class in an hour.
I would not recommend
teaching after this.
Okay, I'll be okay.
I'm a professional.
- Oh.
- Thanks!
Hi, everybody.
Dr. Rawlings.
I didn't know you'd
be visiting class, today.
Your enrollments
have been going up.
I wanted to see what
the excitement was all about.
Oh. Well, we are watching
a comedy today, so I hope
you like the sound of laughter.
[laughter]
Oh.
[hinge squeaking]
You're walking funny.
Am I?
Are you okay?
Get on your knees and
stick your ass in the air.
Yes, sir.
[chuckling]
Does this make
you feel like a man?
Ow, Jesus.
Sorry.
Am I doing it wrong?
Babe, I'm just not in the mood.
I obviously did a bad
job because she's pissed.
You forgot the warm up.
You have to let
it build a little.
Tease her.
[Charlie] I just
want her to be happy.
[Lauren] Alright.
I'm going to
do you a huge favor
and give you a crash course.
You can do a scene
with me tonight at COKC.
[Charlie]
"Central Ohio Kink Convention?"
Cock?
You want me to go to
something called cock?
It's pronounced "coke."
"The premier kink
mecca of the Midwest.
Rope, bondage,
SM skills, warm and wet room
for all you fire players."
Ooh, no,
I don't think I can do that.
Be on time.
And no matter what you see,
don't laugh and
don't cry like a pussy.
A board membership vacant
in conformance with standards
by a vote of a
majority of faculty members.
[beeping]
Aye or nay?
[people] Aye.
[beeping]
[clicking]
[chiming]
For the first time ever,
the prestigious Professor
of Faith award
as voted on by the students,
goes to the newest
member of our faculty,
who now enjoys
the highest enrollment
in the school and I'd
like to ask him to stand,
please say a few
words about his faith:
Professor Charlie Goldman.
Aye.
Uh... No, professor.
Could you stand and
talk about your faith?
My faith?
Um...
[clearing throat]
Uh, what do I have faith in?
Uh, what do I have faith in...
Uh...
You know that feeling
when you thought
you were on solid ground
but then somebody lifts you up,
six, maybe
seven feet in the air
and you know it's going to hurt
and there's
going to be some marks
but you keep going.
God lifted you up, Professor?
It changes your perspective
when you open up like that.
My 17 year old has
a problem with drugs
and I have to remind myself
that he's a smart kid
and I can't solve everything.
But I have to
have enough faith in him
to give him the space
to figure it out, himself.
My new step kid is
gender nonconforming
and I've been trying to
educate people to understand.
And I have faith in
the world that they will be
accepted sooner
rather than later.
And my girlfriend is way
more experienced
sexually than I am...
[Dr. Rawlings clearing throat]
Ixnay. Ixnay...
And I have to not
be intimidated by that
and remember,
that's my problem, not hers.
And I have to have faith in her
when she says she
loves me more than anything.
You can't live
your life being insecure.
And, I... I do have
faith that we will be
a family eventually.
[lilting melodic instrumental]
[boisterous clapping]
Have I been here
long enough for a 401(k)?
[Lisa sighing]
[beep]
[indistinct light rock music]
[beep]
[clicking]
[beep]
Come to Papa.
[Charlie chuckling]
- [leather stretching]
- [Charlie grunting]
[doorbell rings]
[grunt]
[doorbell rings repeatedly]
[leather squeaking]
[quirky music]
[sighs]
[sighing]
[leather squeaking]
[Charlie grunting]
[Danny] Mom, it's me.
Can you pick me up?
[Deborah] I have to go
pick up Danny from Dad's.
[Anna] Can you
take me with you?
Well, we have plans.
My divorced persons group
is coming over to watch
John Wick 3: Parabellum.
Yeah, that sounds awesome,
but I kind of
just wanted to hang out
with Courtney and Maddie.
Oh, I thought
you didn't like them.
- I guess they're alright.
- Mm.
You going to a costume party?
Something like that. Dinner.
Danny's in his room.
[Anna] Actually,
mom just picked him up.
Oh. Have a good night.
[leather squeaking]
[distant music pounds]
Excuse me.
Hi. Sorry to bother you.
I think I'm in the wrong place.
I'm looking for
the S&M festival.
The what?
Man, we're here for a funeral.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm just messing with you, bro.
[mechanical whirring]
First door on your right.
- Thank you.
- [man] Have fun there, buddy.
[Charlie] I'll try.
Welcome to COKC!
Uh, I... I'm not sure...
Oh, you're in the right place.
What's your name?
Uh, uh... Charlie Goldman.
No, your kink name.
Uh, I'm not...
I don't think I have a...
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Mm.
Lauren had this
made specially for you.
Okay.
Right there.
Top or bottom?
Say what now?
I need to know
which bracelet to give you.
Are you a top or a bottom?
Oh, sure. Um, I'm not gay.
Oh, honey, no.
Do you like to
do things to people
or have them done to you?
Can I let you
know in about an hour?
[receptionist] Sure love.
Hey, I know where
Danny keeps his weed.
What do we do with this?
[ding]
[rock music plays]
[Maddie] Yay, I'm starving.
Hey, Court! Don't eat it.
It's um, full of liver.
- Ew.
- [Maddie] Yeah.
[EDM plays]
[swishing and moaning]
Hey.
[moaning, buzzing, and yelping]
Oh, God, no. Oh my God.
- [snap]
- Hey.
Cupcake, in the lounge.
You're next.
Okay. This way?
Now, what's that?
[music thumps]
[various BDSM noises]
[soft rock plays]
[swishing and clattering]
[leather squeaking]
[various BDSM noises]
[loud EDM music]
Ready for your scene?
Sure.
[Lauren] So,
where should we start?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Never in a million years.
Sure.
What is that for?
Let's start with this.
[music volume increases]
[Lauren] See,
it's all about the warm up.
That's not so bad.
I don't feel anything yet.
Ow! Jesus!
I don't...
I don't feel anything yet.
[Maddie]
I feel nothing.
[Anna] It's just such a dud.
[Maddie giggling
uncontrollably]
What?
- What?
- [Courtney] How does it look?
- Do I look okay?
- Um.
[laughter]
Yes. I'm sorry.
That... That was a lot for me,
I'm sor... I'm sorry.
Let's have more.
- I think you look good.
- [Courtney] Are you sure...
I think it looks really good.
I'm... I'm serious.
You guys are
really fun tonight.
[laughter]
[woman] I wish Keanu would...
[woman giggling]
Oh, yes!
That's what I'm talking about.
[woman] Your dog was so cute,
John Wick.
Fuck them up!
[laughter]
[groaning]
[thud]
That, that looks
like your son, Deb.
[Deborah] Danny?
- [loud operatic music]
- Danny?
What are you doing out here?
[woman] Is he okay, Deb?
Honey.
Honey?
[Danny mumbling unintelligibly]
[woman] Oh,
I got him! I got him!
[Danny grunting]
[Deborah] Sh, sh, sh.
Gooo-a-a-l!
Goal!
[applause]
[Danny] Holy shit.
Holy shit.
[voice echoes]
Danny, what did you take?
[woman] Mm-hm.
I'm gay.
[woman] Hm.
Holy shit, I'm gay.
- [woman] Mm.
- [Danny] Breasts.
[woman and Danny gasping]
I'm not gay.
I think I might be bi.
[Deborah] I
think we should take him
to a hospital.
Hey...
How do you know you're gay?
Well, half my class
just came out.
Really?
That's cool.
I think most of 'em are poly.
[Courtney] What's that?
It's when you love everybody.
Guys, I can't feel my legs.
I think I'm paralyzed.
[Courtney] You're standing up.
You can't be paralyzed.
No, I can't feel my legs.
- [Courtney] Okay?
- Courtney!
- What?
- Can you call mom?
- Call mom!
- I am!
- [Anna] She's calling her.
- I can't feel my leg!
- I'm paralyzed!
- [Courtney] Okay!
- [Maddie] Call her...
- She's not picking up.
Dream on
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Two, three, four
Dream on
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Two, three, four
Surprise, bitch.
[Dr. Fun] Let's have some fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Dream on
Two, three, four
Oh, ho, ho.
Turn you around now.
There we go.
Yeah. Yeah.
[Dr. Fun laughs]
Pineapple.
- [Lisa laughing]
- Pineapple!
[swishing]
Lisa?
Charlie.
[both chuckling]
- Oh, you look great.
- [Dr. Fun] Pineapple.
Have you been
taking lessons for me?
For us.
I'm taking lessons for us.
- Is this your boyfriend, Lisa?
- Yeah.
What, come on,
you guys know each other?
Pine. Apple!
Oh, sorry, honey. Okay.
Dr. Rawlings?
Dr. Rawlings, I didn't
know you were a kinkster.
What did you expect?
You think D-type
really means divine?
I hope I can count on
your discretion, Professor.
Of course,
as long as I can keep my job.
Done.
Good because I
like working there.
Wait, what's going on here?
Huh. A kinkster.
Step aside, Lauren,
if anyone's going to whip
my man, it's going to be me.
[chuckling]
- [smack]
- Ow. Fuck.
Danny, will you please
stop doing that, honey?
Oh! Charlie,
will you please pick up?
I am taking Danny
to Columbus Children's.
I don't even think that I...
- Have the insurance card.
- Oh no.
[Danny] Oh shit!
[Deborah] Oh, Jesus!
God, get the hell back in here!
- [Danny] Woo!
- I understand,
but it is my
ex-husband's insurance,
and I can't get a hold of him
because he's a selfish,
irresponsible jerk.
Actually,
this entire thing is his fault.
- The divorce was very hard...
- Honey. Not everyone you meet
will see your magic.
Sign here,
initial here and sign here.
Oh shit.
[distant EDM music]
- 15 messages?
- 12 messages?
Oh!
- Oh, I'm a bottom.
- [whispered] I know.
[leather squeaking]
You know, with everything
that's happened
in the last few years,
with the divorce and all,
I just felt like I've lost
everything.
So much has changed.
Divorce sucks.
Hah. Yeah.
But I used to only have
one asshole brother
and now I have you guys.
I thought I was cursed.
But now I realize
I'm actually pretty lucky.
[hurried footsteps]
[leather creaking]
Hey.
How is he?
Looks like
you've had quite a night.
Why would you do something
like this to yourself?
Sir, he's okay.
We're just going
to keep him overnight.
None of this would have
happened if you hadn't left.
Actually, that's not true.
[Danny muttering quietly]
[whimpering]
- Oh, it's okay...
- Get off me!
- Danny...
- Get off!
[Deborah] It's okay, Danny.
Get off me! Get off me!
- Danny it's okay...
- Get off!
I need some help in here!
- Get off me!
- It's okay, Danny.
- Get off me!
- Will you let them work?
How many times
must I get it wrong
Before it feels
like I'm getting this right
How many times
Must the pendulum swing
Before I just let go
And call it a night?
[nurse] This is the number
to Maple Hill Academy.
This place saved my
little brother's life.
- It's a school?
- Yes.
A residential program
for teen drug addiction.
Send him away?
[scoffs] No, never.
Then I promise you,
we will be back here again.
[hospital din]
I can move in until
the school takes him.
Okay. We can try that.
What the hell?
[sighs]
[sighing]
Geez.
- You have any sevens?
- [laughter]
Hey. Are you guys okay?
What happened to Courtney?
She wanted to
look like Paul Stanley.
You guys know better than this.
[sighing]
Okay um, can you guys
go to sleep now, please?
We'll discuss this
in the morning.
- [retreating footsteps]
- [door closing]
[chuckling]
[bird tweeting]
Hey, how's he doin'?
He's sleeping.
Finally.
What happened here?
They found Danny's pot
and put it in
the pasta casserole.
Oh no.
Is everyone okay?
Yeah, fine. No one
ever died from eating pot.
[light sobbing]
Hey, don't worry.
Everybody's going to be okay.
My situation is crazy, Lisa.
And now I exposed
your kids to this
when I let you move in,
knowing that things
weren't under control.
It is not your fault.
I knew what I was doing.
I was selfish and impulsive.
Maybe, a little bit,
but the kids are fine.
Everything is going to be okay.
I don't know, I thought
I was ready for this, but...
Uh, maybe we moved too fast.
Well, we're here now.
I know.
I... I just, I mean, do you
think we made a mistake?
Are you breaking up with me?
No, I... I need to help, Danny.
I should have been there
for him and I fucked up.
You did everything you could.
I...
[gentle piano music]
Go be with your son, Charlie.
Sorry, mom.
We shouldn't have done it.
It's not that.
[shuddering breath]
We're going to have
to move again, aren't we?
I... I don't know.
Where am I?
The hospital.
Why? Am I sick?
No. You took four tabs of acid.
Why would I do
something stupid like that?
I have no idea. You tell me.
Beats me.
You remember anything?
They killed John Wick's dog.
And then?
And then I woke up here.
Jesus, Danny.
Sorry.
Well, that's not good enough.
What do you want me to say?
I don't know, maybe that
you'll never
do anything like this
the rest of your life.
Okay.
You got it.
I understand.
You guys are going
through a lot right now.
It's just temporary. I promise.
This is how it has to be.
Family first.
This reminds me
when you were little
and you couldn't
sleep and I used to come
into your room
and tell you a story.
You remember?
No.
Want me to
tell you a story now?
Okay.
Once upon a
time in Los Angeles,
a mild mannered insurance
agent, Walter Neff,
is going on about his day,
talking to clients and trying
to get policies renewed
when he visits a beautiful
woman named Phyllis,
- [phone buzzing]
- who's trying to get
her husband to renew his
auto insurance policy.
Never mind. It's okay.
Dad.
It's the story
of Double Indemnity.
You've told it to
me a million times.
Let's just go to bed, okay?
Sure.
Goodnight, Dad.
Goodnight.
[clicking]
[Charlie sighing]
[siren blaring]
[tense music]
[indistinct voices over radios]
Danny?
Danny!
[indistinct voice over radio]
Oh, hey.
You're here?
Yeah.
Where did you think I was?
Are you fucking kidding me,
motherfuck?
Holy shit!
Fuck!
- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
I thought you were
just getting arrested!
No.
Who were you texting earlier?
Anna.
She's dealing with
some cyber bullying stuff.
Do you have any
idea how stressful it is
worrying about
you all the time?
Really? Dad?
You're going to talk
to me about your stress
and your feelings again.
You don't think it
was stressful for me
listening to you and
mom fighting every night,
arguing over
which side of your family
my problems come from.
Blaming each
other that I'm fucked up.
How do you think
that makes me feel?
You don't think
I'm my own person,
capable of
making my own choices?
Of course we do...
We're... We're just
looking for answers.
How is that
looking for answers?
Screaming at each other?
Blaming each other?
You always act like I should be
so grateful to you guys.
Saying all that you do for me.
But how often do you stop
and ask yourself
what it might be like
to be in my shoes?
I'm sorry.
Don't be. It's not about you.
Who do you
think has Anna's back?
She plays like she's fine
because she wants
to be the good kid.
But I know it's just an act.
Yeah.
Sorry.
[gentle music]
I've decided to
go to this new school.
Okay.
I'm really scared.
I'm scared, too.
That never goes away.
There's always going to be
something new
to be scared about.
You're such a good kid, Danny.
Or... Sorry. Man.
We're all going
to get through this.
I promise.
[folk instrumental plays]
Oh, hey, you the new roomie?
Yeah.
Oh, you gon' wan
tuck that bad boy in.
I'm Justin.
Uh, Danny.
[Justin] Nice to
meet you, Danny.
- Where you from?
- Columbus.
You a Buckeye fan?
Not really.
I'm more of a hockey fan.
They got any
Black people in Hockey?
A few, some of the younger
guys, actually.
Tight.
Well, we got to
get to chapel.
But you want to come along,
we'll save you a seat.
Love you.
[Danny] Love you, too.
Take care.
[Danny] Thanks, Dad.
[exhales]
Please don't touch me.
It makes my skin crawl.
[Charlie sighing]
Relationships end, Deborah.
Just a fact of life.
You just didn't see my magic.
Get out, you can
walk the rest of the way.
What?
It's 100 hundred miles.
I said out.
[Deborah sniffling]
[engine rumbling]
[beeping]
[Charlie] Corn flakes, popcorn.
Corn cakes.
Cornucopia.
Corn.
[distant car approaching]
Hey old man.
How about we get
you off those bad knees?
[indistinct pop music]
Danny okay?
I think he's going to be fine.
How'd you
get so caught?
How'd you get...
Have a nice day,
my little squeaky toy.
I love you
Like it's the old days
When I could ask
you anything
How'd you get so tangled
up in my thinking?
How'd you get so caught?
How'd you get
so tangled up?
[bright acoustic guitar strums]
Scouring your
mom's Facebook
Googling your name
Today I went to the spot
Where you laid down
In front of a train
But oh
Nothing stays
the same
Anyway
Nothing stays the same
Anyway
Anyway
Well, maybe I could cry
Or maybe I'm
just that in denial
But maybe you're a vampire
Who knows
he can't come home
But chances are
I'm really just
That much more alone
That much more alone
That much more alone
I don't even
have your number
So I can call your phone
Or listen to your voicemail
I can't remember
What you sound like now
But oh
Nothing stays the same
Anyway
Nothing stays the same
Anyway
Anyway