This Side of the Dirt (2018) Movie Script
1
I'm just a window
you can see through
You are a rock
Patient named a
tank after you
And leave a pillow
there I can lay my head
But I must confess
I got us in a mess
And I know I said this
Would never ever
happen to us
I meant it then
Oh please remember
Days
When I used to chase you
And sing
I think this is magic
It's a little bit tragic
I'd give away
everything I have
Just for a love from you
And you are amazing
And maybe just a
little bit crazy
I'd trade all the
gold, it is worth it
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
You deserve a
much smoother ride
You should have
a whole big sky
And every single star that
it holds shines in the night
I notice lately
you've been blue
And all I can say is
every little piece of me
Loves every little
single thing about you
Oh please remember
The days
When I used to chase you
And sing
I think this is magic
Maybe just a
little bit tragic
I'd give away
everything I have
Just for a little
love from you
But you are amazing
And maybe just a
little bit crazy
I'd trade all the gold
in this world babe
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
I think this is magic
And maybe just a
little bit tragic
I'd give away
everything I have
Just for a little
love from you
But you are amazing
And maybe just a
little bit crazy
I'd trade all the gold
in this world babe
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
- Oh Daddy, thank you.
I wanted that pony so badly.
Sweet little paint.
Oh.
Hello, Mr. Houston.
Oh, he was that all right.
I'm fine, I'm really,
really doing well over here.
Stronger than ever.
But you know Daddy, I mean,
he always had to
have the last say,
right up till the end.
You know he insisted on
having a chicken fried steak
and a chicken fried
chicken for lunch.
It was the damnedest thing.
He wasn't acting off,
just a little sentimental.
He got up and he
said something nice
about each and every
one of us and then...
He just said he was
going to a better place
and see us on down the road.
We didn't know he
meant that way.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Houston, God bless you, too.
Take care, bye.
You're not getting sick
on me, are you, Juan?
Juan, are you okay?
- I'm good, JA!
Just mosquitoes, damn
mosquitoes everywhere,
just fumigating.
- Well, don't breathe
the damn Deet.
You know it's full
of the cancer.
I can't handle losing you too.
- I'm taking every precaution.
Jenny!
- Hey there, Don Juan.
- Haha, very funny.
- I don't get it.
- You're like the greatest guy.
Seriously, when are you gonna
find yourself a girlfriend?
Aren't you lonely?
- How do you know I
don't have one already?
- Juan, do you?
- Look at you, cute as a
button and I've yet to hear
or see anything about
a boyfriend yet.
- I sort of am
seeing this guy, it's
just, I don't know.
Let's just say if
certain people found out,
I'd be in deep ca-ca.
He's like forbidden
fruit, it sucks.
- I'm sorry, I know it's
tough being your age.
- Thanks.
How's Mom today?
- She's doing that
wine thingamajig again.
- With the straws, oh man.
- I'm really worried
about her this time.
I mean, she didn't
see this one coming.
I wanna help her.
I love your mom so much.
I always have.
Well, like a
cousin, or a sister.
Or the Virgin of Guadeloupe.
- She's no virgin.
It's like you're her best
friend, her spiritual leader,
her psychoanalyst,
and her gardener.
You do more for her than anyone.
I don't know what
she'd do without you.
- Hey Juan,
boy, am I glad to see you.
Hey, you give me
a hand, brother?
- Sure.
Hello, Jenny darling,
how you doing, baby girl?
- I'm good, Pops.
Nice of you to
finally come home.
It'll take the heat off me.
- Welcome back, Jimmy.
- Gracias, Juan.
Well, how are we doing?
You two hanging in there?
- Yeah.
- She any better?
- She's still very sad.
She needs you.
- I know.
I know my running off going
fishing didn't help, either.
- Not the most
compassionate way to console
your grieving wife.
- I didn't just
go to go fishing.
Hell, Papo dying like
that, it hit me hard, man,
scared the shit out of me.
I mean, how am I gonna
fill the shoes of such a,
the boots of such
an amazing man?
- Those are big boots to fill.
Hey, alligator or snake skin?
- Alligator!
- Alligator!
- I fished the Flato
Cut on Thursday.
Reds were tailing, drum
were running the channel.
The trout were hitting
those crazy trolleys
like there was no tomorrow.
I swear, I could feel
Papo was with me
the whole damn time,
hootin', hollerin'
about my horseshit cast,
tellin' me which
fly to put on next.
It was like I could hear every
word he was about to say,
man, I knew what was coming.
It was the best damn day
of fishing my entire life.
But it wasn't about the fishing.
I just needed some time
to, to say goodbye,
my own way.
Can you imagine picking
the day you die?
It's the damnedest
thing I ever saw.
- He was a blessed
and fearless man.
- Hey, give me a beer.
Girl, who taught you how
to do this, good God.
- Gross.
- Would you rather eat
a plate of dog shit
or be six feet under?
- Eat a plate of dog shit.
- Gross.
- Exactly.
- That's exactly what he asked
me when I was being indicted
by the Railroad Commission.
He says,
"Would you rather be six feet
under or be investigated?"
I said investigated.
And then he says, "Well,
would you rather eat a plate
"of dog shit or
be investigated?"
I said I guess investigated.
And then he says,
"Well, what the hell
you worked up for, boy?
"You're on the right
side of the dirt.
"You ain't even
eating dog shit."
- What's your point, Dad?
- The point is that
where you're at in life
is a matter of perspective.
Hell, compared to
being six feet under
or eating a plate of dog shit,
everything is fine with me.
That old man taught me
about everything I know.
Oil business, cattle
business, women, droughts,
raising kids.
Hell, he always treated
me like I was someone.
Even before I was.
Hey, I'm gonna
sneak me in a shower
and then I'm gonna head to
Austin, watch the 'Horns play
in lieu of an
old-fashioned ass chewing.
I just can't take
that right now.
I'm sensitive, Juan.
- Boy, you are
living dangerously.
- I'll catch you on
the flipside, kiddo.
- Bye, Pops.
Doesn't help that
I couldn't play
I made more than
a few mistakes
I know
- I'm lying.
You know damn well
we're not separated.
- Well, it was the only
justification I could fathom
for him being with
an early 30s blonde.
He had flowers and all.
She drove a beautiful blue BMW.
- Early 30s blonde?
Look, I don't care who your
cousin is on the first floor.
Jimmy loves me and
he went fishing.
- Of course he did.
But he did some
other things, too.
- Jimmy can hardly get it up.
He's half drunk most of the
day and eating the rest.
- I am just telling you
what people are saying.
We are just so concerned.
- So you're trying to
tell me that my husband
is cheating on me?
You are chock full of it today.
Why don't you just
tell your cousin
that I've just buried my father
and to mind her
own damn business.
And you too, you, oh,
you just catty bitch.
- Have you seen my sunglasses?
I swear I'm losing my mind.
I think I threw
them in the trash
with my wadded burger bag.
Oh, oh hey, it's okay.
Oh now, it's gonna be all right.
We all miss Papo, baby.
It'll get better with
time, you'll see.
Hey come on.
You know he wouldn't want to
see you this way over him.
You know how he was.
- It's not about that.
- Okay, that again?
JA, how many times are you
gonna beat me up over that?
It was just a fling.
Might have been old, but
he still had it in him.
You know how he was.
Well now look, your mama's gone.
He was lonely, so was I.
Well, if it makes you feel
better, I wasn't even drunk.
- It's not about that either.
- Well, then, what is it?
Holy moly, I haven't
seen you this way
since Martha Mayberry took
your lead in the senior play.
Honey, if it's not your
daddy, then what is it?
- It's Jimmy.
- Oh my God.
First your mama, then
your daddy, now Jimmy?
Oh baby, oh my
God, what's he got?
I mean, how long, six months?
Three? One?
Oh baby, I'm so sorry.
- Oh God!
- But, but, but he
looks so healthy.
I don't know...
- He's not dying,
he's having an affair.
- Jimmy, oh there is no way.
- Yes there is.
According to your nosy Junior
League friend Elaine Narswell.
Oh, he was shacked up with
some blonde at Pines Landing.
He said he was gonna go
down there to go fishing.
Well, evidently he just
went on that little woman
until he caught
something real fishy.
- Baby, you know what, you
cared more about that damn house
than your own husband.
When's the last time
you gave him a blowjob?
- God, you have the mouth
of a drunken roughneck.
- You don't remember?
Oh my God, you're sitting
here crying your eyes out
about your man sleeping
with another woman
and you can't
remember the last time
you gave him a blowjob?
What do you care if he's
getting some somewhere else?
Okay, you know what, this
is a waste of my time.
I'm outta here.
- I'm not frigid.
Don't you remember Jamaica?
- Did you just say Jamaica?
Lord, how old are we?
That was 25 years ago.
You gave it up the first
night to two strangers at once
while you're making
Jimmy wait for some.
Now he's waiting again.
That is a lifetime of sexual
manipulation there, sweetheart.
- How would you know?
- Oh honey, listen to me,
men are simple and easy.
Fill their belly and fill
your britches, girlfriend.
That's how you keep a man.
Hell, your mama
taught me that one.
More goodwill has been
done on this earth
by a simple blowjob
than anything else.
These lips do not lie!
- Jamaica, blowjobs,
I want in on this.
Hey Aunt Sallie.
- Hey babe.
- Where do I sign up?
- Oh.
- Oh, let's take a selfie.
- Oh, sure thing.
- That's cute.
- Totally.
- I'll put it on my Instagram.
- Tag me.
- So, what are
y'all talking about?
- About a movie I saw.
- Sounds like my kind of movie.
I've never been to
Jamaica, but blowjobs,
on the other hand, I
know what you mean.
Guys will do anything for them.
- Jenny, watch your mouth.
- While I'm giving a
blowjob, like in the mirror?
Sounds hot.
I bet guys would go hog
wild when it comes to that.
- When it comes to that, ha!
Your daughter is a hoot!
- All that I need is
my floozie friend being
the guiding light for my sweet
and innocent little baby.
- Have y'all seen Anthony?
- Huh uh.
- Did he come back yet?
- Mm-mm.
- Well, let him know
I'm looking for him.
- Okay.
- And if you need any
blowjob lessons, let me know.
- Jenny!
- See, even your daughter
knows the importance
of a proper blowjob.
- I have not had a decent
conversation with her in months.
You've tainted her.
She hates me.
- I'm just trying to
keep her in touch with,
well, with her
feminine emotions.
I think somebody has to.
- More like in touch with
every boy's privates.
- Okay, don't snap
my garters, honey.
At least when I get a man, I
keep him till I'm finished.
- Shut up.
- Jimmy always did love you.
Don't ask me why.
Oh hell, it's probably so
he could hang out with Papo.
- So low you have to
look up to see hell.
- That was a good one.
- I might not have shown
him lovin' like you would.
But I love him.
I do.
I love him.
- I know you do.
I'm sorry, baby, I
shouldn't have said that.
It's just that, you know,
sometimes I don't think
you realize how good you got it.
I mean, you got a beautiful
family, a big old house.
And Jenny, well,
she's growing up fast.
That's what little girls do.
- I'm so, so sorry, senora.
I should have come
and told you myself.
I just didn't know what to do.
I didn't think Sallie was
going to say anything.
- What do you mean, Juan?
- The only thing I
really know is just
about the pregnancy
test in the trash.
- Whose trash?
- Jenny's trash?
- Sallie, what do
you know about this?
- I haven't the slightest.
- Sallie?
- I was just looking
for my glasses.
- Oh my God Juan.
- Well, it was probably broken.
- Oh come on, Juan.
- It was probably the
neighbor's, that little slut.
- Oh come on, Juan.
- I don't know.
It was a positive
pregnancy test.
That's all I know, I swear.
- Oh my God I didn't even
know she had a boyfriend.
My own daughter isn't
confiding in me?
Oh my God I am losing my mind.
No, I am losing my mind.
First those damn barking
dogs at the new house.
I can't sleep for days.
Then the last lunch,
and Papo doesn't even
tell me he's dying.
And then the fucking Jimmy
fucking hookers and now,
oh yeah, Jenny is pregnant?
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God, oh my life is nothing
but a shitstorm of liars,
whores, and addicts.
- Take a few deep
breaths, senora.
- That's a good idea.
- Come on, take a deep breath.
- I'm gonna get you
some water, okay?
- That's a good idea.
- My God, Juan,
you are the only
one I can count on.
- Um...
What about me?
You know what your problem is?
You never appreciate
those around you.
I've had enough.
I am out of here, Grandma.
- No you're not going anywhere
until you tell me that you know.
- I can't repeat it.
- You never had
any problem repeating anything
you have ever thought, heard,
conceived, contrived,
or hallucinated.
- Oh.
- So you're gonna tell me
what you know right now,
or I'm gonna banish contact
with you for two years.
- Oh Lord, that
was the stupidest thing
you ever did.
You know what, go
ahead, banish me.
See ya in two years.
- Stop!
- What?
- Just tell me what you know!
- Apologize.
- For what?
- For your stupid
banishing crap.
Take your tits out of the dirt
and start celebrating life
for the miracle it is.
What would Papo say?
All this bellyaching.
Hell, what would your mama do?
You know what she'd say?
She'd say, "Take your
lumps and move on."
- I'll apologize if you
just tell me what you heard.
- Deal.
- I'm sorry.
- Aw, you did it,
good job, sweetie!
Oh, that wasn't so bad, was it?
It kinda felt good, didn't it?
You know, it's kinda cleansing
to sort of wrap your arms
around your failures, isn't it?
- It's just like you, just
give you a small victory
and there you are just
basking in the sun,
glowing in your win.
It's okay, Sallie.
What is it?
- Oh, well, I don't
think it's true.
- I don't care true or not, I
need to know now, so I can--
- But it's just hearsay!
- I don't care
if it's hearsay, tell me know,
I don't wanna know next
week or next month.
- Jenny and Anthony
are secretly dating.
- Jenny
and Anthony?
No, they're brother and sister!
- Well, technically
stepbrother and stepsister.
They're not genetically related.
So hey, if you want to look
on the bright side of this,
it could make for a
lovely small wedding.
- Oh my God, it's my fault.
I let them take baths
together when they were kids.
Oh my God, no, they wouldn't.
They know it would kill me.
What will people say?
- Oh, a lot.
- Oh my God, this isn't
real, this isn't true,
this must be a dream.
Yeah, this is a dream,
this is a dream, oh my God,
this is just a dream.
This isn't a dream,
this is a nightmare.
This is a nightmare that
I need to wake up from.
- Okay, well, wake
up, wake up, wake up!
Wake up!
- No, you made up this gossip.
- Listen to me.
Debra Perkins' daughter
Baker is a Kappa
in Jenny's pledge class.
They share a bathroom
and she overheard her
telling her roommate
about how, um,
she's in love with Anthony.
How it's like he's
forbidden fruit.
- Forbidden fruit?
- She made her promise
to keep it a secret.
- Keep it a secret?
- Well, you know how secrets
travel in the Kappa house.
- Oh my God, the Kappa house.
- Probably in Oklahoma by now.
- What's in Oklahoma?
- Oh!
- Hey Sallie, how you doing?
- Hey babe, how you doing?
- You're getting fit.
- Jeanne Anne?
I'm sorry, I know you're mad,
but I just had to get
away, clear my mind.
I had the most amazing
fishing trip of my life.
Papo was there, he
brought me luck.
This is probably
bad timing, too,
but would y'all like to
come with me to Austin,
watch the 'Horns play KSU?
I got two extra tickets,
it's gonna be a good game.
- No.
- Sallie, what do you say?
- Oh, I've got all the
entertainment I can handle
right here, but you go on,
have yourself a good
time at that game.
- Well, I would invite
Jenny or Anthony,
but I can't find them anywhere.
You know those two,
probably off messing around
with each other,
getting into trouble.
Juan, 'Horns game?
- Yeah, man!
- Juan doesn't wanna
go, he has work to do.
- Found you a bottle of Tito's.
You are a gentleman and a saint.
- Guess I have more
sweeping to do.
- Come on, girls,
join me tonight.
We'll have some fun, shit,
I'm just blowing
off a little steam.
All right, I tried.
Hate to run, but if I'm
gonna make the tipoff.
- Drive safe, babe.
- Can you believe him?
"Come on, girls, go
to the 'Horns game.
"I'm just gonna
blow off some team."
- Well, you need to
be home with him.
Well damn, if he's
lying, boy is he good.
Hell, he's almost as good as me.
You know, babe, don't
you worry about all this.
It's all gonna be fine.
Look, you got your health,
you got your friends.
- Hey Mama, hey Aunt Sallie.
- Hey babe.
- Hey Sallie.
- Hey.
- You okay?
- Hey, how was the coast?
I heard you went
down there with Dad.
- Oh, no hon, not me,
I've been right here.
- That's strange.
My friend Tiger said
he saw a hot blonde
leaving the house with Dad.
I just figured it was you.
- No, must've been,
I guess a neighbor or something.
- Yeah, a hot neighbor
I don't know about.
- Oh good point.
So, how are you doing, Anthony?
- I'm missing Papo,
so used to seeing him
out at the ranch.
It's kinda like
he's still there.
In another pasture,
better place you know.
Dad, Tiger and I, we're
going out there tomorrow
to go hunting.
- Okay, now who is this Tiger?
- Tiger's my fraternity brother.
Two hoots and a
holler, true romantic,
like myself.
- Oh.
- How you hanging in there, JA?
- I'm about at my
wits' end, son.
- I know how you feel.
I mean, I sorta do.
I just can't imagine
losing you or dad
or Jenny, so...
- It's, it's all right son.
All we can do is just love
each other while we're here.
That's just all we can do.
- Yeah.
Hey, Aunt Sallie, close
your eyes for me, will you?
- Oh, sure thing, babe.
- Sorry you had to see that.
You know, JA,
I heard when somebody dies,
they only die if you let them,
and that you can keep
them alive inside of you,
and that you can
ask them questions.
I know this might
sound little weird,
but I've been asking Papo
a lot of questions lately,
about like relationships
and like love and stuff
and I think I know
what his answers are.
- I don't think that's
weird at all, babe.
I think you keep
right on doing that.
I bet your Papo's tickled pink.
- I'll bet he is.
Love just tears
you up, doesn't it?
Especially the love
you can't have.
I love you, JA.
- I love you, son.
- And I love you, Aunt Sallie.
- Oh, I love you, big boy.
- And if you see Dad,
just tell him I love him.
And Jenny, you know,
she's such a handful, but,
tell her I love her.
- Honey, that is one sweet
boy you've got there.
Just so full of love.
- Sallie Mae, I'm exhausted.
- I know.
- I'm going to bed and then
I'm getting up in the morning
and I'm going to church.
- Okay.
- I feel like I have been
ridden hard and put up wet.
- All right.
- Lord.
- She's a handful, oh Lord.
Ugh.
- What was all that
with Jenny's trash?
- Well, if you stop
attacking me every time
I bend over in Jenny's bedroom.
- Oh, is that how
it happens, huh?
We're not moving in
together until you tell her.
- She's still all stressed out.
It's just, it's
not the right time.
- It's never gonna be
the right time, honey.
And I love you, Juan.
And I know she
suspects something
ever since I talked
you into joining me
on the garden club board.
Somewhere in that brain of hers,
she knows you've been
trimming my bush.
- Sallie.
- Talk to me in
Spanish, mi amor.
You know I love you
talking to me in Spanish.
- Oh Juan!
- Oh, how hard can it be?
Juan, can you come
on inside, please?
- Morning, JA, what
can I do for you?
- You'd help me do just about
anything, wouldn't you, Juan?
- Well, yes, senora.
- I mean, if I asked you
to help me to do something,
say, risky, uh, risque,
you wouldn't judge
me, would you, Juan?
- I would never judge you.
- What's the best
way to kill a man?
- I might judge that.
- No, I mean the best way to
kill a man and not get caught.
I wouldn't wanna do that
jail thing, you know,
- No doubt about that.
I don't think they serve
lattes and croissants
in the clink, JA.
- Well, I've been looking
on the internet and I just,
I can't find what
I'm looking for.
- Who do you wanna kill?
- Let's just say
it's hypothetical.
- Well, I think it does matter.
I've seen you shoot
a deer at 400 yards.
I know you're capable.
- Look, I went to church
and I prayed about it.
- Good.
- And then I thought.
- I'm going Old Testament.
I am so tired of
crying all the time
and feeling sorry for myself.
I'm getting out of my self pity
and into pitying
the son of a bitch
who makes me look like a fool.
- Who are you talking about?
- It's that son
of a bitch Jimmy.
- El senor?
- Yes, he's been cheating
on me down at the coast
and making me look like a fool.
Oh yeah, then he just
comes back in here
like he's had a fresh egg,
just strutting like a peacock.
Well, I've had it.
I was gonna take a knife to him.
But then I thought,
no, that's too bloody.
I don't have the
stomach for that.
So then I thought,
oh, the deer rifle.
But they'd just
trace the bullet.
Juan, we need to come
up with a good poison,
like that doctor from
Houston who poisoned
his wife's eclairs.
I think he got away with it.
No investigation,
I can't do a trial.
Will you help me, Juan?
- JA, you don't mean that.
Jimmy loves you very much.
- The hell that I don't.
- I'm on your side, please JA.
This is all a big
misunderstanding.
Have you looked in the freezer?
He caught those fish
the old-fashioned way,
with a rod and reel.
- Juan, he probably bought them
off of Porter Rand's Seafood
along with the sushi.
He is a grade A later and
he will meet his wrath.
- You'd be about the
only person I know
who'd go to church and come back
with wrath and
murder on your mind.
You're lucky Juan and
I care enough about you
to keep you from doing
something stupid, stupid.
- You better watch
your mouth, mouth.
- What you gonna do honey,
you gonna murder
him in cold blood?
Maybe cut him up and
throw him to the fish?
- Now that's an idea.
You're not as useless
as I thought you were.
- Listen here, Rambo, there
ain't a man on this planet
worth the aggravation of murder.
You know what you need?
You need a good old
fashioned sun-in.
- Good point.
- Remember what Papo
used to always say?
If you lay it out in the sun--
- Don't smell so bad.
- Kills the mildew, dries it up.
You need to just lay it all out
for the whole family to see.
You know what else you need?
A bloody Mary.
Hell, we all do, it's Sunday.
Juan, would you be a
doll and make us one
and make them strong?
- Yes, ma'am.
- I went to church and I
prayed for the strength
to forgive him.
And then I prayed for the
strength to smite him dead.
I have killed, field
dressed, and taken apart
more damn animals.
Parts is parts.
- Jeanne Anne, when is the
last time you gave Jimmy a hug?
Just a good and
simple goddamn hug?
- Maybe I haven't
been the best wife.
Maybe I shoulda gone
huntin' and fishin'
and to some of those ball games.
- You can fix all of this,
just hug the bastard.
Tell him you love
him, to his face.
Ask him how his day was.
Don't bitch at him first
thing in the morning.
- Nobody likes to
be nagged, Mom.
It's uncouth.
- Uncouth?
What am I going to do?
- Well, first of all,
you're not gonna kill Jimmy.
- No, no, no, no.
I mean, what am I
gonna cook for dinner?
- I don't know, just cook
that damn fish Jimmy caught.
- I'm not cooking
adultress fish.
- All right, fine, then
enchiladas, I'll help.
- That's it, I'm
cooking enchiladas.
- Besides, I need to
keep an eye on you.
- Boy is that ranch dry.
I ain't never seen it like
this, like the damn '50s.
The cows are all starvin'.
I'm gonna lose all my
damn breeding stock.
Cows are eating cactus,
stones and all, poor bastards.
Can you imagine
what that feels like
comin' out the other end?
Prickly situation.
- Why are you covered in blood?
And what the hell is
that around your neck?
- Well, it's pig
blood, Sallie Mae.
That there, that's
some guts on my boot.
I shot a pig.
Yeah, I was out with
the boys there huntin'
and they wanted a porker for
the luau at the frat house.
So I killed one and I
cleaned it for them.
And then all them damn fleas
jumped off that damn pig
onto me, so I got me
a Hartz flea collar,
try to get them off me.
- Don't you bring any
damn fleas into my house.
- They're already off me.
The last one came
off about 4:10.
Little fuckers are scrambling
all over the Suburban now.
Hell, I shot right
through the ear hole.
You know how hard it is to
take down a pig with one shot?
- I can imagine, that
sounds like quite a feat.
You should be very proud.
- Oh yes.
- Hey Pops, how's the ranch?
- Oh, it's drier
than a popcorn fart.
Makes me thirsty just
thinking about it.
- Gross, where's Anthony?
Is he with Tiger?
- I don't know.
Juan, boy, you
read my mind, man.
How do you do that?
You scare the shit
out of me sometimes.
- Salud.
- Salud.
- Salud.
- Get away from me you freak!
- You all see the
rattler on that?
- What the hell are you doing
bringing a live
rattlesnake into the house?
Would you go get
them under control
before someone gets bit?
What kind of ranch
manager does that?
Papo would be ashamed.
- You know Jeanne Anne,
you don't always have to be
such a glorified bitch.
They were just having some fun.
- What did he just call me?
- Bitch.
- What an asshole!
Oh my God, that man
makes me so mad.
I am gonna show him!
- JA, hey!
- Jeanne Anne,
what are you doing?
You don't think she'd
actually do something
with that gun, do you?
I mean,.
Oh my God!
- She shot him!
- Oh my God, JA!
- Geez, I didn't think you
were gonna take it so hard.
- What are you talking about?
Your mama killed his daddy
and you don't think
he's gonna take it hard?
What is wrong with you, child?
- What are you talking
about, Aunt Sallie?
- Sallie Mae, you're getting
crazier by the minute.
- No, no, no, no, she shot him.
- Jimmy raised him like his own.
Why would you shoot him?
- Jimmy! You're not dead!
- No, I didn't kill him.
I killed that little
slithery bastard.
- Damn sure did,
deader than a doornail.
Pretty good shooting, too.
- Killed my snake, man.
- Damn right I did.
Papo always said the only good
rattlesnake is a dead one.
- Yeah, well, I was
gonna take that snake
down to the frat house and
get even with Jethro Tull,
'cause he stuck a
scorpion in my bed
and the damn thing stung
on my on my left sac.
It swelled up to the
size of a cantaloupe
and looked black.
And LuAnn Reed wouldn't
have anything to do with me
and I was this close,
and you ruined it, Jenny.
So I'm not talking
to you anymore.
- Good, I hope you don't if
you're gonna chase me around
laughing like a dumb
fucking redneck.
- Jenny, not, and the
whole thing was a,
never mind.
Goddammit Dad, I can't
believe how cruel she is.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- These damn kids are crazier
than a den of wildcats.
I'm surrounded by screwballs,
all led by the queen bee.
- What the hell was that?
My head's about spun off!
Hell, so much for a
relaxing Sunday meal, damn!
- I have work to do.
- Good Lord.
Looks like the wedding's
off between those two.
Damn, it's hard to keep up with
all the trauma in your life.
You know you had me going there?
I thought you
really took him out.
- I don't have the heart,
for prison that is.
- Yeah, well, who would?
Definitely not
your kind of place.
You never did look
good in orange,
stripes, prints,
any kind of pastels.
Oh hell, let's get
some air, come on.
You know baby, I've been
thinking about this.
Maybe it is time you two
went your separate ways.
I mean, you always did
have problems with men.
Maybe it's time you started
batting for the other time.
I mean, this isn't
the '50s darling.
Everybody's doing it.
- I don't care who's doing
what, I could care less.
Oh hell, speaking of
everybody doing it.
Sallie Mae...
Oh!
- Come on.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Oh hell, I've got it.
We can take out an ad in
the Austin Chronicles.
Ragin' beauty in her 50s.
- Early 50s.
- Early 50s, okay.
Enjoys bein' in
church, books, art,
Fleetwood Mac.
- KD Lang.
- Oh, and KD Lang.
Travel, cookin', kids grown.
Seeking pleasant,
pretty lipstick lesbian.
Must be independent but caring.
- Oh, no beer gut.
- And no beer gut.
Somebody who's gonna
listen to your needs.
Somebody to make you
feel appreciated.
Somebody in tune with maybe
your emotional rhythms.
- Girl, are you hitting on me?
- Well, I'm just
trying to help honey.
- You have no boundaries.
- Well, that doesn't
make me a bad person.
- First of all, I'm happy
with my present sexual
orientation, thank you.
Secondly, if I was gonna
dabble on the other side
of the road, girl--
- What?
- It's not gonna be with you.
And thirdly, I've got
my gazpacho to make
and it's not gonna make itself.
- I know, listen to me, here.
Abstinence is not a
sexual orientation.
Secondly, I just trying to
help you get through this
without killing yourself
or anybody else.
Thirdly, well honey, mmm.
You got options.
And hey, there is always porn.
- Oh my God, you are sick.
- Hey, let's have
one, real quick.
Just give it a little
tongue, come on.
- Oh, Jimmy!
- Well shit, don't mind me
ladies, I hate to interrupt.
That is unless you two
want my steak salami
between those buttery loaves.
- Oh my God, you are a sicko.
- Hell, maybe I am, but at
least I know how to have fun.
Sick and tired of y'all's
crazy bullshit anyways.
I'm going to the skeet
range for donating blood.
Whatever the hell to
get away from you guys.
- Don't mind him, Bigtime Jimmy.
Let's go make them enchiladas.
- Oh, you put too many
damn onions on them for me.
- All right, you gonna
get changed though,
closing up the work straps.
- How are you doing Anthony?
- Good.
- No thanks, gotta keep my wits.
There's just too much
shit goin' on around here.
I thought Jimmy was.
- Things sure are tense
around here, huh, Juan?
Even you look worried.
Well, first thing's first, man.
You, you gotta figure out
what you want, how to get it
without Jack and
anybody else around.
- That's the problem.
Well, if you come from a
place of love, Juan, I mean,
the world will just have
to deal with it, man.
- I come from a place of love,
What did you call me?
- A celebration of life, man,
we're made out of
stardust, dude, like first,
second, third
generation of stars,
supernova explosions,
stellar nebulae, man.
And we're on this glob of dust,
shooting around our star
like a bowling ball, man,
at 66,000 miles per hour.
- That's some serious speed.
- Yes sir, it is.
And at the same time,
we are just shooting
through the galaxy at half
a million miles an hour,
through the cosmic
background radiation
at 1.3 million miles an hour.
And the entire time,
man, I swear to you,
sometimes I feel like
I'm just sitting still.
- Sometimes I feel
like my life's going
a million miles an hour.
- You know what?
This'll slow it down, man.
Come on, Juan, come on Juan.
You know you want
the joint, Juan,
you know you want
the joint, Juan,
you know, oh, yeah baby.
- You're bad dude.
You got some fire?
- Geez, dude, is
this Papo's weed?
- Yes sir,.
You know what else
my philosophy teacher
was telling me about, man?
So like, we live
at the phase change
between water,
steam, and ice, dude.
Fucking water, Juan.
It's a fucking miracle, man,
it's a fucking miracle, dude.
We're like fucking water.
You with me, man?
- Oh yeah.
1.3 million miles an hour,
living at the
water phase change.
- Dude, and I'm saying we live
on this outer layer of dust.
We're not trapped in the rock.
We're not trapped in the mantle.
We can move through time.
We're not stuck like that tree.
We're not floating around
like a leaf in water, man.
We breathe in the stardust,
we breathe it out.
We drink it in,
Juan, we pee it out.
I mean, we eat it
in and we just--
- I get it man, I get it dude.
Do you believe we were born
on a predetermined path?
I was watching Charlie
Rose the other night,
and they had this dude on there
that was talking about like
how we have these
places on our DNA
that are like predisposed.
And they can like turn on
and off, changing as we live.
And then like this
thing switches on
and then this molecule like
links us with our past.
Yeah, isn't that
fucking crazy, man?
- That's the stardust, bro.
That's the stardust, man.
That's the stardust, Juan!
It has been traveling back
and forth between time
and energy, dude.
And it ends up right
here, right now dude,
it's in me, it's in you.
Look at it, brother,
the stars, man.
That's what we're made of.
Yeah, man, that's what
I'm talking about.
- Did you know that if you
live 14 years on this earth,
you're breathing the
same air molecules as
Julius Cesar, Abraham Lincoln.
Dwight Howard.
- That was a funny one.
- Hell, even Charlie Rose, man.
- Papo is in us.
He's in me.
- What, man?
Papo's in you?
Hey Papo.
- No, man, it's like I can
hear him talking to me.
Not like a voice,
more like a sensation.
It's like I can ask
him a question and I--
Know what the
answer would be, yes.
- Yeah, yeah man.
- The stardust speaks, man.
- Sure does.
- Give me some sugar, big boy.
I love you, man.
- I love you, too, mi amigo.
- Are you coming to dinner?
- Yes my friend, I am,
I'm coming to dinner.
- I am so hungry man, I
am so hungry right now!
- I can't imagine why.
- Stardust, baby.
- Juan, are you busy?
- Just contemplating the stars.
- Am I a bitch?
- Stop being so
hard on yourself.
You're not making it any easier.
- I try.
Then I just go back
to my ways of being
too damn serious and mean.
I wish I was more like
Sallie, just fun-loving, free.
I've always admired her.
- Hey Mom.
- Oh hey, honey, I hope
you had a great workout.
- Why do you have to be so
sarcastic all the damn time?
You don't appreciate
a damn thing I do
for this family, Jeanne Anne.
Dammit woman, why do you
always have to be so negative?
You treat me like I'm a dumbass.
You don't respect me.
You never have.
- Juan, we're gonna finish
this conversation later.
- I'm sorry Juan, man I'm sorry.
Her nagging, it doesn't roll
off me like it used to, man.
You know, I don't even
know why she's mad at me.
I mean, I know that I'm not
the lean mean fighting machine
I always was.
But I still got feelings.
Hell, I'm more
sensitive now than ever.
That's just not love.
- If you come from
a place of love,
the world will just
have to deal with it.
- That's not where
I'm coming from, Juan.
In fact, I'm going
by not coming.
I'm gonna get drunk.
I'm gonna eat some redfish.
I'm gonna watch Lonesome Doves.
- Jimmy, please come to dinner.
I have something important
to tell everyone.
- Dinner, there's no way Juan.
Man, I heard her talking
about killing me.
She said it, she
was serious, man.
I ain't never seen
her like this.
She's lost her damn mind.
- She's not serious.
Come on, man, please
come to dinner, for me.
Come on, man.
- For you.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- For you.
Leroy's son's got
a brand new gun
And he's goin' 95 up to Dena
Got a plan he's
gonna kill this man
- I like jalapenos, except
for when they get hot.
- I hate jalapenos.
- Jenny, jalapenos are
cleansing, they're good for you.
- Got the salsa, y'all.
- Why are you wearing
your sunglasses?
- Shut up.
- Salsa.
- Would you take your glasses
off, for the last time?
- Jesus Christ,
let's eat already.
God bless this food
and treat us good.
- Bless this food we're
about to be nourished with,
and especially Lord Jesus,
the two beautiful women
who prepared it for us.
Please give us the strength
to tell the truth, oh Lord,
maker of the stardust,
and lead us all to forgiveness.
- Come on, now, when did
you get so preachy, Juan?
- That was very pretty.
- If you need something
done in a physical plane,
please, do it through us.
We are your ideas
going through time
on this bowling ball of--
- Right on, Juan.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Bowling ball?
- Shut your derelict mouth.
I love him.
- Juan, I thought that
was a lovely prayer.
I especially liked
the part about
giving us the strength
to tell the truth.
Where shall we start?
Jenny, Anthony, is there
something you two little lovebirds
just wanna get off your chest?
- She's certifiable,
totally lost it.
- Why don't you just admit
in front of everyone,
that you're pregnant,
and even more so that your
brother is the father?
I know, there are
no secrets here.
- Wait a minute here.
Okay, you're saying
that I had a kid,
a tiny little baby, like a
little human being with her?
- Eyew.
- My sister?
- You can't fuck your sister.
- Dad, no way, man, no way.
I mean, I'm hard up
and that would be like
an all-time low.
From Old Mexico,
little boy city.
- Wait, you been crabbing
down at Boystown?
Well, don't break out
the seafood, Mama,
Anthony's coming
home with crabs.
- Oh.
- You're fucking disturbing.
And mother, you're nuttier
than a squirrel turd.
You need help.
- I didn't raise you
kids to be fornicating
like a pack of
backwood hillbillies.
What would your Papo have said?
He's probably turning
over in his grave.
- Papo would duct
tape your mouth
and hands and feet, and take
you to the mental hospital
because you have lost it.
I've gotta get this psycho
bitch on my Snapchat.
- Don't you lie
to me, young lady.
There are no secrets
in the Kappa house.
You admitted it to your roommate
and we found your
pregnancy test.
- That's reassuring.
So you bugged my room at school
and you go through my trash?
Jeanne Anne Williker, NSA Mom.
- Wait, did you bug her room?
Do we have to break out
the straitjacket tonight?
- No, her suitemate
overheard her say
that she was in
love with Anthony.
- Jeanne Anne, please,
Anthony is not the only
goddamn Anthony at the
University of Texas.
Did you ever think about that?
- Well, I, she said it
was forbidden fruit.
- Mother, is that what
all this is really about?
Me and Anthony?
Or can you just not deal
with your own issues?
- Anthony and I.
- It's a direct object
pronoun after a verb, JA.
- You really wanna know?
- You have no idea.
- It's true.
- Oh my God.
- All of it.
We are in love and having a baby
on an inbred reality TV show
called Backwoods America.
And your face is gonna be
Granny Backwood, plastered
all across America.
You're gonna be Hillbilly
Dynasty, yee-haw.
- I knew it, I knew it!
You can't lie to me.
I am not crazy, I am no fool.
Ooh, I can't breathe,
I can't breathe.
- You gotta breathe.
- We're just pulling
your leg here, okay.
We're just pulling your leg.
And I have to admit, you
kinda make it easy for us.
But I mean, honey, though,
for real, the twins,
we're having twins.
They're gonna be two-headed.
- So, are you two
in love or not?
- No, JA, you're really
trying to make me hurl here.
No, but if we are having a come
to Jesus session right now,
I'm gonna lay it all
right down on the line
once and for all.
I am in love
with Aunt Sallie.
- What?
- And she won't have
anything to do with me.
- Sallie Mae, my goodness,
you pedophile you.
- For once I can honestly
say I didn't do anything.
- Everybody's in love
with Aunt Sallie, son.
- What?
- I mean, we all love her.
She has so much
love in her heart.
- Oh, yeah, well thank you.
- I can tell you there's
a lot of love there,
but it's not in her heart.
She can hardly keep
it in her pants.
- Okay, what the hell, how did
this get turned around on me?
Now let's stay on task here.
Now Jenny, if your
brother is not the father,
then who is?
- What?
- Well, who got you in the
family way there, sugar?
- What are you talking about?
- There was a positive
pregnancy test
in your trash, damn child.
Don't you know who
knocked you up?
- It is fine if you don't know.
- Whoa, you got storked?
- No Anthony, you're stoned.
- You don't got any proof.
- Melissa, from next
door, didn't want her mom
to find out she's pregnant,
so she did her test over here.
You have to swear
you won't tell.
- I told you it was
that neighbor's girl.
That Melissa has a different
guy over every week.
- That little slut.
- So there's no baby?
- There is no baby.
- Oh thank God.
Oh don't get me wrong,
I do want grandkids,
just not like this
and not on reality TV.
But wait a minute, why did
you tell your suitemate
that you were in
love with Anthony?
- Just let it go.
- Oh Jenny.
Oh, you're good, your Aunt
Sallie taught you how to lie
amongst other things,
but I know that look.
No, you're hiding something.
Whoa.
You're in love, that's
it, you're in love.
Oh, she's in love.
But wait a minute, with who?
- Well, I hope y'all
saved room for enchiladas.
That gazpacho sure was
good, didn't y'all think?
- The best, you are
amazing Aunt Sallie.
- If it's not our Anthony,
then what Anthony?
- You know, only Anthony
I know is my best friend,
the Duke of the Piney Woods,
two hoots and a holler,
Anthony Boudreaux Timberlake.
- Boudreaux Timberlake?
- Boudreaux what?
- Like the Timberlakes?
- Shut up!
- Damn you, Mother, why can't
you just leave things alone?
I'm not a kid, I'm a grown
woman, and I give blowjobs.
Fuck all of you.
- Jenny Williker, you
get your butt back here
and you sit down.
If you're gonna lie
down with the dogs,
you better be ready
to get the fleas.
Papo wouldn't have
talk like that,
and I won't stand for it either.
Papo is dead.
The last time we had Sunday
dinner, Papo was alive.
He was sitting right
there in that chair.
Hell, he still is in my book.
Let's show some
respect, all of you.
Quit acting like
spoiled schoolchildren.
Now since this has become
a regular confession,
Jenny darling, it is
time to come clean.
What the hell is going on?
- Truth is,
Tiger and I are in love.
I'm sorry, brother.
I didn't mean to, it's just,
he's such a good guy and
he's cute and smart and sexy.
And you know he's
writing a book.
- Oh, how intellectual of him.
What kind of book?
- Um, it's just a
self-help type book.
- What kind of self help?
- Well, it's called Dumbalingus,
a Bushwhacker's Guide
to Oral Satisfaction.
- Is he some kind of fancy chef?
- Yeah, Mom, a cookbook.
The Joys of Eating Stuff.
- Lots of
tasty recipes there, I'm sure.
- Damn you, Jenny.
Out of all the guys in Texas,
you had to go and pick
my best friend Tiger?
Do you know how bad that sucks?
'Cause now I gotta
kill him with karate.
- He's a fine young man.
Papo would have been
proud to know him.
- Thank you.
- Well, I'm happy for you honey.
And there's no baby?
- There is no baby.
- Well, I think
you got a keeper.
- When do I get to meet him?
- When I'm done with him,
no offense, Aunt Sallie.
- None taken.
But you know, while we're,
while we're kind of on
a roll here tonight,
there's just a little
something that I,
well, we, um, that...
- Well, Sallie Mae
McGregor is speechless.
- Tell her Juan.
- Oh no, you have
something to share, Sallie,
you just go on and
tell us yourself.
- Juan, tell her.
- Well, ,
I love Sallie.
You're making fun of me.
- Good one,
that's kind of funny.
- We're in love.
- Oh Juan.
- And we're moving in together.
And I'll resign right away.
Everybody stopped laughing.
Juan and Aunt Sallie.
Two of my most favorite
people in the world.
If anybody was to steal
my girl man, I guess,
I guess it's good that it's you.
Crazy, that is crazy, man.
Bowling ball and dust, stardust,
stardust, baby,
stardust.
- Well, I'm happy for you.
It's a beautiful thing when
love is found in this world
and there is no
need to resign Juan.
I want you both around.
I love you both.
- Jeanne Anne, that
is the sweetest thing
you've said since 1988.
Oh, we love you JA.
- Thank you for
your blessing, JA.
- I wish Papo were
here to see this.
I forgot to light the candles.
- You sure did.
- That'll fix everything.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- It says last
will and testament.
- What?
- It's dated last week,
the day Papo died.
- No way.
- You didn't know
it was there?
- The stardust, it's
breathing in everyone,
even you, Mom.
That is unreal.
- Read it, Mom.
- To my old partners
Juan and Jimmy,
in the old days
around these parts,
the Comanches would bring
in brave boys, captives,
and work them to the bone.
If they survived, they became
equal parts of their family.
You boys are two
of the best sons
I could've ever hoped for.
My land, this stretch
of earth we call home,
is now yours to
manage as you see fit.
I have also left you
my cowboy books, guns,
vehicles, horses,
saddles, livestock,
and GPS coordinates of my
favorite fishing holes.
- God, I love that man.
Jeanne Anne and Jimmy,
as you know, MeMaw was a
force to be reckoned with.
Everyone thought we always
got along, but in truth,
we fought like cats and dogs.
The question I would
always ask myself
is what am I more committed to,
being right or staying married?
- Lord knows that's the truth.
- Despite Papo's great wisdom,
your father and I have
something that we would like
to tell you.
We're getting divorced.
- What?
- What the fuck are
you talking about?
- Mom, you have someone else?
- I do not.
Our relationship
has become untenable
and that is all that I can say.
- Anthony and I
are not surprised.
We just, we thought
it would be Dad
that couldn't take
your crap anymore.
I mean, the way you treat him.
I'm surprised he put
up with it this long.
Maybe he'll finally
get his balls back.
- Well, this philanderer
didn't have any balls.
- Oh dammit, Jeanne
Anne Williker.
For once and for all, you
completely deballed the man.
- Wait, when the hell did
this conversation turn
to my balls or lack thereof?
- You know damn well,
Mr. Port A Affair Man.
Why don't you just grow
a pair and tell everyone
what you've been up to?
- Mr. Port A what?
- Your father has been
spending the last few days
with his girlfriend at
our condo on the coast.
Oh yeah.
Not even the decency to take
her to the hunting lease
in Three Rivers, just
right there in my own bed,
you son of a bitch.
- Wait a minute, JA,
you got it all wrong.
You gotta tell her Dad.
- Well, come on, big boy,
try to dig yourself
out of this one.
The head of the Junior
League herself saw you
gallivanting in and
out all week long
with some 30-year-old
blonde tramp.
Oh, I've
had it with you.
Count your blessings
I let you live.
- You wanna know?
Okay, I'll let you know.
You know how you hate
the lime green and orange
at the condo in Port A?
Happy fucking anniversary.
I hired a decorator to
redo it all as a surprise.
So fuck you.
Surprise, I ain't fucking
anyone but myself,
drinking myself to
sleep trying to forget
how much I miss poor Papo.
Selfless son of a bitch.
I had to lick my wounds and
deal with my loss my way.
- So you're not cheating on me?
- Goddammit, what's
the matter with you?
No, I can't remember
the last time I got any.
- Oh sweetie, oh that is so sad.
- I thought when you bought
the cow, it was unlimited.
I'm never getting married.
- I thought you
made a fool of me
and left me for another woman.
Will you forgive me?
I think I forgot how much
I really do love you.
- Jeanne Anne, honey,
why don't you finish
reading the will?
- You're really
not cheating on me?
- Just read the damn thing.
- Okay.
Relationships are tough.
You take things for granted.
I fought through some tough
times and I made it through
and I'm glad I did.
A great woman is
like a great horse,
a high spirit and
helluva companion.
You get bucked off,
you get back on her.
Quit is a four-letter word.
- Dammit, Papo.
Why do you always
know just what to say
just before I do
something stupid?
Why didn't you tell
me you were dying?
Thought I was your best friend.
- You were his best friend, Dad.
- Papo knows things.
I don't know how, but he
sure in the hell does.
He put that will in that
drawer the day he died.
Who does that?
- Wonderful, you two.
Does Papo say anything about me?
- Well, read on, JA.
I'm sure he consecrates
great Sallie in there, too.
- To my darling Sallie, honey,
I paid off the mortgage
and bought you a new Lexus
down at the dealership.
- Holy cow.
- Talk to Raul, he
will take care of it.
- Oh my God.
- I love you, baby, and thanks
for putting a whole bunch
of big smiles on an old man.
Signs of a dime hot is a tamale.
You're one tasty tomato.
- Oh hell no, man.
- Let me see that, oh
my God, I love that man.
- Oh my God, Aunt
Sallie, you sexy slut.
- Oh, thank you sugar,
- Is that all?
- Oh, here we go.
To Anthony and Jenny, I have
set up an educational trust
for your undergraduate
and graduate education,
complete with a trip to Europe.
- Yeah!
- Oh my God!
- And new cars.
- No way.
- A man could not hope
for better grandchildren.
Right now I feel like
when you're bull riding
and your eight seconds is up,
you know it's time to get off,
but you're not quite sure how
or where you're gonna land.
Oh, sure babe.
- Sallie!
- Hey, listen to this.
I couldn't have asked
for a better life
or a more loving family.
Take my ashes out
to the hill country
in back of Crider's Rodeo
on the Guadalupe River.
Then I can listen to the
rodeo and dance every weekend.
Cyprus trees and a spring-fed
river puts a smile on my face.
- I can smell the
whiskey on his breath.
- Uh Dad, I think
that's your upper lip.
- Oh yeah, but he's
here, I can feel him.
- Yeah, in the plasma fields.
What's the rest of it say?
- It says, I have left donations
to the Charlie Rose show,
PBS, the NRA, the
Heritage Seed Foundation,
NPR, and Organization for
Conservative Fiscal and Liberal
Personal Rights Activism.
- If that isn't the
most damned mixed bag
I've ever heard of in my life.
- He loved that Charlie Rose.
- He sure did.
- To Jeanne Anne,
my little girl,
you have always made your
mother and I so proud.
We love you so much
with all our hearts.
Everything else in my
estate goes to you.
- All right.
- That's wonderful.
- You got the whole
kit 'n' kaboodle, JA.
- Mom, that's awesome.
- Jeanne Anne, do you always
have to be so dramatic?
Who else would he give it to?
- Right?
- Oh look, she's speechless now.
- Now it's her turn.
- She's choking!
- Hey, hey, do the Heimlich,
she's choking, y'all!
She's choking, oh my God!
- Oh my God!
- Call 911, call 911!
- Jeanne Anne!
Come on, spit it
out JA, spit it out!
- It's not gonna
come out that way!
- I'm uncomfortable!
- JA!
- What are you doing to her?
- I think she's dying!
- Wake up, darling,
wake up baby.
Jeanne Anne, Jeanne
Anne, wake up.
I'm not done with you baby,
please don't leave me.
Jeanne Anne, I love you.
- Jimmy, Jimmy,
do the look, feel, touch.
- I looked down there,
but I can't see.
She's not getting any air.
Jeanne Anne, Jeanne
Anne.
I gotta frack it down.
- Frack her, Dad, frack her!
- Oh God, it worked!
- She's alive!
- Oh my God!
- Help me!
- Help me get her up.
- Oh Jeanne Anne!
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God, Mom,
that was so scary.
Dad saved your life,
he fracked you.
- Baby, don't you
ever do that again.
- I saw them.
They were standing right there.
I talked to them.
- Who, honey?
- Papo and MeMaw.
They hugged me and,
and said they were fine,
that they loved me.
And then MeMaw said
that I had to come back
because y'all needed me.
They had cocktail
glasses in their hands
like it was happy hour.
I felt Papo's breath.
It smelled like warm whiskey.
- I told you, Papo's breath.
- And I smelled MeMaw's
perfume, like two rose bushes
and a honeysuckle.
And I looked back and
they raised their glasses.
They had crushed ice.
- Mom, I love you, I'm
so glad you're not dead.
But you gotta hear this.
According to this, Papo has
executed your wishes, Mom.
This is from Jeanne Anne,
March 24, 2003, to Papo.
I think you should read it, Dad.
- Dear Daddy, I thought
about our last discussion
and I've come to the
following conclusion.
Jimmy is the most understanding,
warm loving husband
a woman could have.
But I feel his
frustration with me.
I wish I could be the
open, playful partner
that Jimmy needs, but I'm
just not a free spirit.
I love Jimmy more than
anything or anyone.
And I always have.
Please promise me that if I
ever receive any inheritance,
I would like it all to
go to Jimmy, all of it.
Maybe then he'll realize
how much I really love him.
I know you'll honor my wish.
Thank you for always
being there for me.
Your loving daughter,
Jeanne Anne.
- Well, I'll be damned if a
drought didn't end with a flood.
You gave him the ranch, baby.
- Hell honey, I mean, I
don't know what to say.
You can have it
back, I believe you.
- I don't want it back.
I want you to know how
much I really do love you.
And I always have.
There is not a material
possession, amount of money,
or secret fishing hole
than can ever express
how much I do love you.
I love this.
- So do I.
- But then it doesn't hurt.
I want you to have it
all and run that ranch,
just like Papo did.
- And we'll run it
as one big family,
Sallie and Juan included.
- I really do love this family.
- Wait, Dad, there's more.
- Okay, Papo wants
us to do a toast.
Grab your glasses.
- Oh!
- Are you kidding me?
- A toast, to love,
health, wealth,
and plenty of time to enjoy it.
- To love, health, wealth,
and plenty of time
to enjoy them.
- And with that, my
beloved ones, goodbye,
and be well until we see you on
this side of the dirt.
- This side of the star dirt.
- Oh baby, I love you.
- I love you guys, man.
- I love you, big boy.
It's a long road
It takes a long time
You gotta keep a little
faith in this big ol' world
While it spins along
You might be fucked up
Or maybe you're all fine
Oh you're never gonna know
till the mirror stares back
And it's satisfied
You can't leave yet
Place your bets, there's
so much more to do
Even though
It came before you
'Cause this side of the
dirt we can make it work
On this side of
the dirt, you know
It'll always be a
little bit worse
On this side of the
dirt, sometimes it hurts
But this side of
the dirt, at least
You might fall in
love or find some luck
Get off your knees
Can you hear the violins
That dance in your head
Ooh sleep tight
my little darling
That's what she said
'Cause tomorrow
You're gonna stand tall
And there's a whole
lotta gold in the hills
And you can have it all
You can't leave yet
No
So place your bets,
there's so much more to do
And even though
It came before you
I'm just a window
you can see through
You are a rock
Patient named a
tank after you
And leave a pillow
there I can lay my head
But I must confess
I got us in a mess
And I know I said this
Would never ever
happen to us
I meant it then
Oh please remember
Days
When I used to chase you
And sing
I think this is magic
It's a little bit tragic
I'd give away
everything I have
Just for a love from you
And you are amazing
And maybe just a
little bit crazy
I'd trade all the
gold, it is worth it
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
You deserve a
much smoother ride
You should have
a whole big sky
And every single star that
it holds shines in the night
I notice lately
you've been blue
And all I can say is
every little piece of me
Loves every little
single thing about you
Oh please remember
The days
When I used to chase you
And sing
I think this is magic
Maybe just a
little bit tragic
I'd give away
everything I have
Just for a little
love from you
But you are amazing
And maybe just a
little bit crazy
I'd trade all the gold
in this world babe
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
I think this is magic
And maybe just a
little bit tragic
I'd give away
everything I have
Just for a little
love from you
But you are amazing
And maybe just a
little bit crazy
I'd trade all the gold
in this world babe
Just to be with you
Just to be with you
- Oh Daddy, thank you.
I wanted that pony so badly.
Sweet little paint.
Oh.
Hello, Mr. Houston.
Oh, he was that all right.
I'm fine, I'm really,
really doing well over here.
Stronger than ever.
But you know Daddy, I mean,
he always had to
have the last say,
right up till the end.
You know he insisted on
having a chicken fried steak
and a chicken fried
chicken for lunch.
It was the damnedest thing.
He wasn't acting off,
just a little sentimental.
He got up and he
said something nice
about each and every
one of us and then...
He just said he was
going to a better place
and see us on down the road.
We didn't know he
meant that way.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Houston, God bless you, too.
Take care, bye.
You're not getting sick
on me, are you, Juan?
Juan, are you okay?
- I'm good, JA!
Just mosquitoes, damn
mosquitoes everywhere,
just fumigating.
- Well, don't breathe
the damn Deet.
You know it's full
of the cancer.
I can't handle losing you too.
- I'm taking every precaution.
Jenny!
- Hey there, Don Juan.
- Haha, very funny.
- I don't get it.
- You're like the greatest guy.
Seriously, when are you gonna
find yourself a girlfriend?
Aren't you lonely?
- How do you know I
don't have one already?
- Juan, do you?
- Look at you, cute as a
button and I've yet to hear
or see anything about
a boyfriend yet.
- I sort of am
seeing this guy, it's
just, I don't know.
Let's just say if
certain people found out,
I'd be in deep ca-ca.
He's like forbidden
fruit, it sucks.
- I'm sorry, I know it's
tough being your age.
- Thanks.
How's Mom today?
- She's doing that
wine thingamajig again.
- With the straws, oh man.
- I'm really worried
about her this time.
I mean, she didn't
see this one coming.
I wanna help her.
I love your mom so much.
I always have.
Well, like a
cousin, or a sister.
Or the Virgin of Guadeloupe.
- She's no virgin.
It's like you're her best
friend, her spiritual leader,
her psychoanalyst,
and her gardener.
You do more for her than anyone.
I don't know what
she'd do without you.
- Hey Juan,
boy, am I glad to see you.
Hey, you give me
a hand, brother?
- Sure.
Hello, Jenny darling,
how you doing, baby girl?
- I'm good, Pops.
Nice of you to
finally come home.
It'll take the heat off me.
- Welcome back, Jimmy.
- Gracias, Juan.
Well, how are we doing?
You two hanging in there?
- Yeah.
- She any better?
- She's still very sad.
She needs you.
- I know.
I know my running off going
fishing didn't help, either.
- Not the most
compassionate way to console
your grieving wife.
- I didn't just
go to go fishing.
Hell, Papo dying like
that, it hit me hard, man,
scared the shit out of me.
I mean, how am I gonna
fill the shoes of such a,
the boots of such
an amazing man?
- Those are big boots to fill.
Hey, alligator or snake skin?
- Alligator!
- Alligator!
- I fished the Flato
Cut on Thursday.
Reds were tailing, drum
were running the channel.
The trout were hitting
those crazy trolleys
like there was no tomorrow.
I swear, I could feel
Papo was with me
the whole damn time,
hootin', hollerin'
about my horseshit cast,
tellin' me which
fly to put on next.
It was like I could hear every
word he was about to say,
man, I knew what was coming.
It was the best damn day
of fishing my entire life.
But it wasn't about the fishing.
I just needed some time
to, to say goodbye,
my own way.
Can you imagine picking
the day you die?
It's the damnedest
thing I ever saw.
- He was a blessed
and fearless man.
- Hey, give me a beer.
Girl, who taught you how
to do this, good God.
- Gross.
- Would you rather eat
a plate of dog shit
or be six feet under?
- Eat a plate of dog shit.
- Gross.
- Exactly.
- That's exactly what he asked
me when I was being indicted
by the Railroad Commission.
He says,
"Would you rather be six feet
under or be investigated?"
I said investigated.
And then he says, "Well,
would you rather eat a plate
"of dog shit or
be investigated?"
I said I guess investigated.
And then he says,
"Well, what the hell
you worked up for, boy?
"You're on the right
side of the dirt.
"You ain't even
eating dog shit."
- What's your point, Dad?
- The point is that
where you're at in life
is a matter of perspective.
Hell, compared to
being six feet under
or eating a plate of dog shit,
everything is fine with me.
That old man taught me
about everything I know.
Oil business, cattle
business, women, droughts,
raising kids.
Hell, he always treated
me like I was someone.
Even before I was.
Hey, I'm gonna
sneak me in a shower
and then I'm gonna head to
Austin, watch the 'Horns play
in lieu of an
old-fashioned ass chewing.
I just can't take
that right now.
I'm sensitive, Juan.
- Boy, you are
living dangerously.
- I'll catch you on
the flipside, kiddo.
- Bye, Pops.
Doesn't help that
I couldn't play
I made more than
a few mistakes
I know
- I'm lying.
You know damn well
we're not separated.
- Well, it was the only
justification I could fathom
for him being with
an early 30s blonde.
He had flowers and all.
She drove a beautiful blue BMW.
- Early 30s blonde?
Look, I don't care who your
cousin is on the first floor.
Jimmy loves me and
he went fishing.
- Of course he did.
But he did some
other things, too.
- Jimmy can hardly get it up.
He's half drunk most of the
day and eating the rest.
- I am just telling you
what people are saying.
We are just so concerned.
- So you're trying to
tell me that my husband
is cheating on me?
You are chock full of it today.
Why don't you just
tell your cousin
that I've just buried my father
and to mind her
own damn business.
And you too, you, oh,
you just catty bitch.
- Have you seen my sunglasses?
I swear I'm losing my mind.
I think I threw
them in the trash
with my wadded burger bag.
Oh, oh hey, it's okay.
Oh now, it's gonna be all right.
We all miss Papo, baby.
It'll get better with
time, you'll see.
Hey come on.
You know he wouldn't want to
see you this way over him.
You know how he was.
- It's not about that.
- Okay, that again?
JA, how many times are you
gonna beat me up over that?
It was just a fling.
Might have been old, but
he still had it in him.
You know how he was.
Well now look, your mama's gone.
He was lonely, so was I.
Well, if it makes you feel
better, I wasn't even drunk.
- It's not about that either.
- Well, then, what is it?
Holy moly, I haven't
seen you this way
since Martha Mayberry took
your lead in the senior play.
Honey, if it's not your
daddy, then what is it?
- It's Jimmy.
- Oh my God.
First your mama, then
your daddy, now Jimmy?
Oh baby, oh my
God, what's he got?
I mean, how long, six months?
Three? One?
Oh baby, I'm so sorry.
- Oh God!
- But, but, but he
looks so healthy.
I don't know...
- He's not dying,
he's having an affair.
- Jimmy, oh there is no way.
- Yes there is.
According to your nosy Junior
League friend Elaine Narswell.
Oh, he was shacked up with
some blonde at Pines Landing.
He said he was gonna go
down there to go fishing.
Well, evidently he just
went on that little woman
until he caught
something real fishy.
- Baby, you know what, you
cared more about that damn house
than your own husband.
When's the last time
you gave him a blowjob?
- God, you have the mouth
of a drunken roughneck.
- You don't remember?
Oh my God, you're sitting
here crying your eyes out
about your man sleeping
with another woman
and you can't
remember the last time
you gave him a blowjob?
What do you care if he's
getting some somewhere else?
Okay, you know what, this
is a waste of my time.
I'm outta here.
- I'm not frigid.
Don't you remember Jamaica?
- Did you just say Jamaica?
Lord, how old are we?
That was 25 years ago.
You gave it up the first
night to two strangers at once
while you're making
Jimmy wait for some.
Now he's waiting again.
That is a lifetime of sexual
manipulation there, sweetheart.
- How would you know?
- Oh honey, listen to me,
men are simple and easy.
Fill their belly and fill
your britches, girlfriend.
That's how you keep a man.
Hell, your mama
taught me that one.
More goodwill has been
done on this earth
by a simple blowjob
than anything else.
These lips do not lie!
- Jamaica, blowjobs,
I want in on this.
Hey Aunt Sallie.
- Hey babe.
- Where do I sign up?
- Oh.
- Oh, let's take a selfie.
- Oh, sure thing.
- That's cute.
- Totally.
- I'll put it on my Instagram.
- Tag me.
- So, what are
y'all talking about?
- About a movie I saw.
- Sounds like my kind of movie.
I've never been to
Jamaica, but blowjobs,
on the other hand, I
know what you mean.
Guys will do anything for them.
- Jenny, watch your mouth.
- While I'm giving a
blowjob, like in the mirror?
Sounds hot.
I bet guys would go hog
wild when it comes to that.
- When it comes to that, ha!
Your daughter is a hoot!
- All that I need is
my floozie friend being
the guiding light for my sweet
and innocent little baby.
- Have y'all seen Anthony?
- Huh uh.
- Did he come back yet?
- Mm-mm.
- Well, let him know
I'm looking for him.
- Okay.
- And if you need any
blowjob lessons, let me know.
- Jenny!
- See, even your daughter
knows the importance
of a proper blowjob.
- I have not had a decent
conversation with her in months.
You've tainted her.
She hates me.
- I'm just trying to
keep her in touch with,
well, with her
feminine emotions.
I think somebody has to.
- More like in touch with
every boy's privates.
- Okay, don't snap
my garters, honey.
At least when I get a man, I
keep him till I'm finished.
- Shut up.
- Jimmy always did love you.
Don't ask me why.
Oh hell, it's probably so
he could hang out with Papo.
- So low you have to
look up to see hell.
- That was a good one.
- I might not have shown
him lovin' like you would.
But I love him.
I do.
I love him.
- I know you do.
I'm sorry, baby, I
shouldn't have said that.
It's just that, you know,
sometimes I don't think
you realize how good you got it.
I mean, you got a beautiful
family, a big old house.
And Jenny, well,
she's growing up fast.
That's what little girls do.
- I'm so, so sorry, senora.
I should have come
and told you myself.
I just didn't know what to do.
I didn't think Sallie was
going to say anything.
- What do you mean, Juan?
- The only thing I
really know is just
about the pregnancy
test in the trash.
- Whose trash?
- Jenny's trash?
- Sallie, what do
you know about this?
- I haven't the slightest.
- Sallie?
- I was just looking
for my glasses.
- Oh my God Juan.
- Well, it was probably broken.
- Oh come on, Juan.
- It was probably the
neighbor's, that little slut.
- Oh come on, Juan.
- I don't know.
It was a positive
pregnancy test.
That's all I know, I swear.
- Oh my God I didn't even
know she had a boyfriend.
My own daughter isn't
confiding in me?
Oh my God I am losing my mind.
No, I am losing my mind.
First those damn barking
dogs at the new house.
I can't sleep for days.
Then the last lunch,
and Papo doesn't even
tell me he's dying.
And then the fucking Jimmy
fucking hookers and now,
oh yeah, Jenny is pregnant?
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God, oh my life is nothing
but a shitstorm of liars,
whores, and addicts.
- Take a few deep
breaths, senora.
- That's a good idea.
- Come on, take a deep breath.
- I'm gonna get you
some water, okay?
- That's a good idea.
- My God, Juan,
you are the only
one I can count on.
- Um...
What about me?
You know what your problem is?
You never appreciate
those around you.
I've had enough.
I am out of here, Grandma.
- No you're not going anywhere
until you tell me that you know.
- I can't repeat it.
- You never had
any problem repeating anything
you have ever thought, heard,
conceived, contrived,
or hallucinated.
- Oh.
- So you're gonna tell me
what you know right now,
or I'm gonna banish contact
with you for two years.
- Oh Lord, that
was the stupidest thing
you ever did.
You know what, go
ahead, banish me.
See ya in two years.
- Stop!
- What?
- Just tell me what you know!
- Apologize.
- For what?
- For your stupid
banishing crap.
Take your tits out of the dirt
and start celebrating life
for the miracle it is.
What would Papo say?
All this bellyaching.
Hell, what would your mama do?
You know what she'd say?
She'd say, "Take your
lumps and move on."
- I'll apologize if you
just tell me what you heard.
- Deal.
- I'm sorry.
- Aw, you did it,
good job, sweetie!
Oh, that wasn't so bad, was it?
It kinda felt good, didn't it?
You know, it's kinda cleansing
to sort of wrap your arms
around your failures, isn't it?
- It's just like you, just
give you a small victory
and there you are just
basking in the sun,
glowing in your win.
It's okay, Sallie.
What is it?
- Oh, well, I don't
think it's true.
- I don't care true or not, I
need to know now, so I can--
- But it's just hearsay!
- I don't care
if it's hearsay, tell me know,
I don't wanna know next
week or next month.
- Jenny and Anthony
are secretly dating.
- Jenny
and Anthony?
No, they're brother and sister!
- Well, technically
stepbrother and stepsister.
They're not genetically related.
So hey, if you want to look
on the bright side of this,
it could make for a
lovely small wedding.
- Oh my God, it's my fault.
I let them take baths
together when they were kids.
Oh my God, no, they wouldn't.
They know it would kill me.
What will people say?
- Oh, a lot.
- Oh my God, this isn't
real, this isn't true,
this must be a dream.
Yeah, this is a dream,
this is a dream, oh my God,
this is just a dream.
This isn't a dream,
this is a nightmare.
This is a nightmare that
I need to wake up from.
- Okay, well, wake
up, wake up, wake up!
Wake up!
- No, you made up this gossip.
- Listen to me.
Debra Perkins' daughter
Baker is a Kappa
in Jenny's pledge class.
They share a bathroom
and she overheard her
telling her roommate
about how, um,
she's in love with Anthony.
How it's like he's
forbidden fruit.
- Forbidden fruit?
- She made her promise
to keep it a secret.
- Keep it a secret?
- Well, you know how secrets
travel in the Kappa house.
- Oh my God, the Kappa house.
- Probably in Oklahoma by now.
- What's in Oklahoma?
- Oh!
- Hey Sallie, how you doing?
- Hey babe, how you doing?
- You're getting fit.
- Jeanne Anne?
I'm sorry, I know you're mad,
but I just had to get
away, clear my mind.
I had the most amazing
fishing trip of my life.
Papo was there, he
brought me luck.
This is probably
bad timing, too,
but would y'all like to
come with me to Austin,
watch the 'Horns play KSU?
I got two extra tickets,
it's gonna be a good game.
- No.
- Sallie, what do you say?
- Oh, I've got all the
entertainment I can handle
right here, but you go on,
have yourself a good
time at that game.
- Well, I would invite
Jenny or Anthony,
but I can't find them anywhere.
You know those two,
probably off messing around
with each other,
getting into trouble.
Juan, 'Horns game?
- Yeah, man!
- Juan doesn't wanna
go, he has work to do.
- Found you a bottle of Tito's.
You are a gentleman and a saint.
- Guess I have more
sweeping to do.
- Come on, girls,
join me tonight.
We'll have some fun, shit,
I'm just blowing
off a little steam.
All right, I tried.
Hate to run, but if I'm
gonna make the tipoff.
- Drive safe, babe.
- Can you believe him?
"Come on, girls, go
to the 'Horns game.
"I'm just gonna
blow off some team."
- Well, you need to
be home with him.
Well damn, if he's
lying, boy is he good.
Hell, he's almost as good as me.
You know, babe, don't
you worry about all this.
It's all gonna be fine.
Look, you got your health,
you got your friends.
- Hey Mama, hey Aunt Sallie.
- Hey babe.
- Hey Sallie.
- Hey.
- You okay?
- Hey, how was the coast?
I heard you went
down there with Dad.
- Oh, no hon, not me,
I've been right here.
- That's strange.
My friend Tiger said
he saw a hot blonde
leaving the house with Dad.
I just figured it was you.
- No, must've been,
I guess a neighbor or something.
- Yeah, a hot neighbor
I don't know about.
- Oh good point.
So, how are you doing, Anthony?
- I'm missing Papo,
so used to seeing him
out at the ranch.
It's kinda like
he's still there.
In another pasture,
better place you know.
Dad, Tiger and I, we're
going out there tomorrow
to go hunting.
- Okay, now who is this Tiger?
- Tiger's my fraternity brother.
Two hoots and a
holler, true romantic,
like myself.
- Oh.
- How you hanging in there, JA?
- I'm about at my
wits' end, son.
- I know how you feel.
I mean, I sorta do.
I just can't imagine
losing you or dad
or Jenny, so...
- It's, it's all right son.
All we can do is just love
each other while we're here.
That's just all we can do.
- Yeah.
Hey, Aunt Sallie, close
your eyes for me, will you?
- Oh, sure thing, babe.
- Sorry you had to see that.
You know, JA,
I heard when somebody dies,
they only die if you let them,
and that you can keep
them alive inside of you,
and that you can
ask them questions.
I know this might
sound little weird,
but I've been asking Papo
a lot of questions lately,
about like relationships
and like love and stuff
and I think I know
what his answers are.
- I don't think that's
weird at all, babe.
I think you keep
right on doing that.
I bet your Papo's tickled pink.
- I'll bet he is.
Love just tears
you up, doesn't it?
Especially the love
you can't have.
I love you, JA.
- I love you, son.
- And I love you, Aunt Sallie.
- Oh, I love you, big boy.
- And if you see Dad,
just tell him I love him.
And Jenny, you know,
she's such a handful, but,
tell her I love her.
- Honey, that is one sweet
boy you've got there.
Just so full of love.
- Sallie Mae, I'm exhausted.
- I know.
- I'm going to bed and then
I'm getting up in the morning
and I'm going to church.
- Okay.
- I feel like I have been
ridden hard and put up wet.
- All right.
- Lord.
- She's a handful, oh Lord.
Ugh.
- What was all that
with Jenny's trash?
- Well, if you stop
attacking me every time
I bend over in Jenny's bedroom.
- Oh, is that how
it happens, huh?
We're not moving in
together until you tell her.
- She's still all stressed out.
It's just, it's
not the right time.
- It's never gonna be
the right time, honey.
And I love you, Juan.
And I know she
suspects something
ever since I talked
you into joining me
on the garden club board.
Somewhere in that brain of hers,
she knows you've been
trimming my bush.
- Sallie.
- Talk to me in
Spanish, mi amor.
You know I love you
talking to me in Spanish.
- Oh Juan!
- Oh, how hard can it be?
Juan, can you come
on inside, please?
- Morning, JA, what
can I do for you?
- You'd help me do just about
anything, wouldn't you, Juan?
- Well, yes, senora.
- I mean, if I asked you
to help me to do something,
say, risky, uh, risque,
you wouldn't judge
me, would you, Juan?
- I would never judge you.
- What's the best
way to kill a man?
- I might judge that.
- No, I mean the best way to
kill a man and not get caught.
I wouldn't wanna do that
jail thing, you know,
- No doubt about that.
I don't think they serve
lattes and croissants
in the clink, JA.
- Well, I've been looking
on the internet and I just,
I can't find what
I'm looking for.
- Who do you wanna kill?
- Let's just say
it's hypothetical.
- Well, I think it does matter.
I've seen you shoot
a deer at 400 yards.
I know you're capable.
- Look, I went to church
and I prayed about it.
- Good.
- And then I thought.
- I'm going Old Testament.
I am so tired of
crying all the time
and feeling sorry for myself.
I'm getting out of my self pity
and into pitying
the son of a bitch
who makes me look like a fool.
- Who are you talking about?
- It's that son
of a bitch Jimmy.
- El senor?
- Yes, he's been cheating
on me down at the coast
and making me look like a fool.
Oh yeah, then he just
comes back in here
like he's had a fresh egg,
just strutting like a peacock.
Well, I've had it.
I was gonna take a knife to him.
But then I thought,
no, that's too bloody.
I don't have the
stomach for that.
So then I thought,
oh, the deer rifle.
But they'd just
trace the bullet.
Juan, we need to come
up with a good poison,
like that doctor from
Houston who poisoned
his wife's eclairs.
I think he got away with it.
No investigation,
I can't do a trial.
Will you help me, Juan?
- JA, you don't mean that.
Jimmy loves you very much.
- The hell that I don't.
- I'm on your side, please JA.
This is all a big
misunderstanding.
Have you looked in the freezer?
He caught those fish
the old-fashioned way,
with a rod and reel.
- Juan, he probably bought them
off of Porter Rand's Seafood
along with the sushi.
He is a grade A later and
he will meet his wrath.
- You'd be about the
only person I know
who'd go to church and come back
with wrath and
murder on your mind.
You're lucky Juan and
I care enough about you
to keep you from doing
something stupid, stupid.
- You better watch
your mouth, mouth.
- What you gonna do honey,
you gonna murder
him in cold blood?
Maybe cut him up and
throw him to the fish?
- Now that's an idea.
You're not as useless
as I thought you were.
- Listen here, Rambo, there
ain't a man on this planet
worth the aggravation of murder.
You know what you need?
You need a good old
fashioned sun-in.
- Good point.
- Remember what Papo
used to always say?
If you lay it out in the sun--
- Don't smell so bad.
- Kills the mildew, dries it up.
You need to just lay it all out
for the whole family to see.
You know what else you need?
A bloody Mary.
Hell, we all do, it's Sunday.
Juan, would you be a
doll and make us one
and make them strong?
- Yes, ma'am.
- I went to church and I
prayed for the strength
to forgive him.
And then I prayed for the
strength to smite him dead.
I have killed, field
dressed, and taken apart
more damn animals.
Parts is parts.
- Jeanne Anne, when is the
last time you gave Jimmy a hug?
Just a good and
simple goddamn hug?
- Maybe I haven't
been the best wife.
Maybe I shoulda gone
huntin' and fishin'
and to some of those ball games.
- You can fix all of this,
just hug the bastard.
Tell him you love
him, to his face.
Ask him how his day was.
Don't bitch at him first
thing in the morning.
- Nobody likes to
be nagged, Mom.
It's uncouth.
- Uncouth?
What am I going to do?
- Well, first of all,
you're not gonna kill Jimmy.
- No, no, no, no.
I mean, what am I
gonna cook for dinner?
- I don't know, just cook
that damn fish Jimmy caught.
- I'm not cooking
adultress fish.
- All right, fine, then
enchiladas, I'll help.
- That's it, I'm
cooking enchiladas.
- Besides, I need to
keep an eye on you.
- Boy is that ranch dry.
I ain't never seen it like
this, like the damn '50s.
The cows are all starvin'.
I'm gonna lose all my
damn breeding stock.
Cows are eating cactus,
stones and all, poor bastards.
Can you imagine
what that feels like
comin' out the other end?
Prickly situation.
- Why are you covered in blood?
And what the hell is
that around your neck?
- Well, it's pig
blood, Sallie Mae.
That there, that's
some guts on my boot.
I shot a pig.
Yeah, I was out with
the boys there huntin'
and they wanted a porker for
the luau at the frat house.
So I killed one and I
cleaned it for them.
And then all them damn fleas
jumped off that damn pig
onto me, so I got me
a Hartz flea collar,
try to get them off me.
- Don't you bring any
damn fleas into my house.
- They're already off me.
The last one came
off about 4:10.
Little fuckers are scrambling
all over the Suburban now.
Hell, I shot right
through the ear hole.
You know how hard it is to
take down a pig with one shot?
- I can imagine, that
sounds like quite a feat.
You should be very proud.
- Oh yes.
- Hey Pops, how's the ranch?
- Oh, it's drier
than a popcorn fart.
Makes me thirsty just
thinking about it.
- Gross, where's Anthony?
Is he with Tiger?
- I don't know.
Juan, boy, you
read my mind, man.
How do you do that?
You scare the shit
out of me sometimes.
- Salud.
- Salud.
- Salud.
- Get away from me you freak!
- You all see the
rattler on that?
- What the hell are you doing
bringing a live
rattlesnake into the house?
Would you go get
them under control
before someone gets bit?
What kind of ranch
manager does that?
Papo would be ashamed.
- You know Jeanne Anne,
you don't always have to be
such a glorified bitch.
They were just having some fun.
- What did he just call me?
- Bitch.
- What an asshole!
Oh my God, that man
makes me so mad.
I am gonna show him!
- JA, hey!
- Jeanne Anne,
what are you doing?
You don't think she'd
actually do something
with that gun, do you?
I mean,.
Oh my God!
- She shot him!
- Oh my God, JA!
- Geez, I didn't think you
were gonna take it so hard.
- What are you talking about?
Your mama killed his daddy
and you don't think
he's gonna take it hard?
What is wrong with you, child?
- What are you talking
about, Aunt Sallie?
- Sallie Mae, you're getting
crazier by the minute.
- No, no, no, no, she shot him.
- Jimmy raised him like his own.
Why would you shoot him?
- Jimmy! You're not dead!
- No, I didn't kill him.
I killed that little
slithery bastard.
- Damn sure did,
deader than a doornail.
Pretty good shooting, too.
- Killed my snake, man.
- Damn right I did.
Papo always said the only good
rattlesnake is a dead one.
- Yeah, well, I was
gonna take that snake
down to the frat house and
get even with Jethro Tull,
'cause he stuck a
scorpion in my bed
and the damn thing stung
on my on my left sac.
It swelled up to the
size of a cantaloupe
and looked black.
And LuAnn Reed wouldn't
have anything to do with me
and I was this close,
and you ruined it, Jenny.
So I'm not talking
to you anymore.
- Good, I hope you don't if
you're gonna chase me around
laughing like a dumb
fucking redneck.
- Jenny, not, and the
whole thing was a,
never mind.
Goddammit Dad, I can't
believe how cruel she is.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- These damn kids are crazier
than a den of wildcats.
I'm surrounded by screwballs,
all led by the queen bee.
- What the hell was that?
My head's about spun off!
Hell, so much for a
relaxing Sunday meal, damn!
- I have work to do.
- Good Lord.
Looks like the wedding's
off between those two.
Damn, it's hard to keep up with
all the trauma in your life.
You know you had me going there?
I thought you
really took him out.
- I don't have the heart,
for prison that is.
- Yeah, well, who would?
Definitely not
your kind of place.
You never did look
good in orange,
stripes, prints,
any kind of pastels.
Oh hell, let's get
some air, come on.
You know baby, I've been
thinking about this.
Maybe it is time you two
went your separate ways.
I mean, you always did
have problems with men.
Maybe it's time you started
batting for the other time.
I mean, this isn't
the '50s darling.
Everybody's doing it.
- I don't care who's doing
what, I could care less.
Oh hell, speaking of
everybody doing it.
Sallie Mae...
Oh!
- Come on.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Oh hell, I've got it.
We can take out an ad in
the Austin Chronicles.
Ragin' beauty in her 50s.
- Early 50s.
- Early 50s, okay.
Enjoys bein' in
church, books, art,
Fleetwood Mac.
- KD Lang.
- Oh, and KD Lang.
Travel, cookin', kids grown.
Seeking pleasant,
pretty lipstick lesbian.
Must be independent but caring.
- Oh, no beer gut.
- And no beer gut.
Somebody who's gonna
listen to your needs.
Somebody to make you
feel appreciated.
Somebody in tune with maybe
your emotional rhythms.
- Girl, are you hitting on me?
- Well, I'm just
trying to help honey.
- You have no boundaries.
- Well, that doesn't
make me a bad person.
- First of all, I'm happy
with my present sexual
orientation, thank you.
Secondly, if I was gonna
dabble on the other side
of the road, girl--
- What?
- It's not gonna be with you.
And thirdly, I've got
my gazpacho to make
and it's not gonna make itself.
- I know, listen to me, here.
Abstinence is not a
sexual orientation.
Secondly, I just trying to
help you get through this
without killing yourself
or anybody else.
Thirdly, well honey, mmm.
You got options.
And hey, there is always porn.
- Oh my God, you are sick.
- Hey, let's have
one, real quick.
Just give it a little
tongue, come on.
- Oh, Jimmy!
- Well shit, don't mind me
ladies, I hate to interrupt.
That is unless you two
want my steak salami
between those buttery loaves.
- Oh my God, you are a sicko.
- Hell, maybe I am, but at
least I know how to have fun.
Sick and tired of y'all's
crazy bullshit anyways.
I'm going to the skeet
range for donating blood.
Whatever the hell to
get away from you guys.
- Don't mind him, Bigtime Jimmy.
Let's go make them enchiladas.
- Oh, you put too many
damn onions on them for me.
- All right, you gonna
get changed though,
closing up the work straps.
- How are you doing Anthony?
- Good.
- No thanks, gotta keep my wits.
There's just too much
shit goin' on around here.
I thought Jimmy was.
- Things sure are tense
around here, huh, Juan?
Even you look worried.
Well, first thing's first, man.
You, you gotta figure out
what you want, how to get it
without Jack and
anybody else around.
- That's the problem.
Well, if you come from a
place of love, Juan, I mean,
the world will just have
to deal with it, man.
- I come from a place of love,
What did you call me?
- A celebration of life, man,
we're made out of
stardust, dude, like first,
second, third
generation of stars,
supernova explosions,
stellar nebulae, man.
And we're on this glob of dust,
shooting around our star
like a bowling ball, man,
at 66,000 miles per hour.
- That's some serious speed.
- Yes sir, it is.
And at the same time,
we are just shooting
through the galaxy at half
a million miles an hour,
through the cosmic
background radiation
at 1.3 million miles an hour.
And the entire time,
man, I swear to you,
sometimes I feel like
I'm just sitting still.
- Sometimes I feel
like my life's going
a million miles an hour.
- You know what?
This'll slow it down, man.
Come on, Juan, come on Juan.
You know you want
the joint, Juan,
you know you want
the joint, Juan,
you know, oh, yeah baby.
- You're bad dude.
You got some fire?
- Geez, dude, is
this Papo's weed?
- Yes sir,.
You know what else
my philosophy teacher
was telling me about, man?
So like, we live
at the phase change
between water,
steam, and ice, dude.
Fucking water, Juan.
It's a fucking miracle, man,
it's a fucking miracle, dude.
We're like fucking water.
You with me, man?
- Oh yeah.
1.3 million miles an hour,
living at the
water phase change.
- Dude, and I'm saying we live
on this outer layer of dust.
We're not trapped in the rock.
We're not trapped in the mantle.
We can move through time.
We're not stuck like that tree.
We're not floating around
like a leaf in water, man.
We breathe in the stardust,
we breathe it out.
We drink it in,
Juan, we pee it out.
I mean, we eat it
in and we just--
- I get it man, I get it dude.
Do you believe we were born
on a predetermined path?
I was watching Charlie
Rose the other night,
and they had this dude on there
that was talking about like
how we have these
places on our DNA
that are like predisposed.
And they can like turn on
and off, changing as we live.
And then like this
thing switches on
and then this molecule like
links us with our past.
Yeah, isn't that
fucking crazy, man?
- That's the stardust, bro.
That's the stardust, man.
That's the stardust, Juan!
It has been traveling back
and forth between time
and energy, dude.
And it ends up right
here, right now dude,
it's in me, it's in you.
Look at it, brother,
the stars, man.
That's what we're made of.
Yeah, man, that's what
I'm talking about.
- Did you know that if you
live 14 years on this earth,
you're breathing the
same air molecules as
Julius Cesar, Abraham Lincoln.
Dwight Howard.
- That was a funny one.
- Hell, even Charlie Rose, man.
- Papo is in us.
He's in me.
- What, man?
Papo's in you?
Hey Papo.
- No, man, it's like I can
hear him talking to me.
Not like a voice,
more like a sensation.
It's like I can ask
him a question and I--
Know what the
answer would be, yes.
- Yeah, yeah man.
- The stardust speaks, man.
- Sure does.
- Give me some sugar, big boy.
I love you, man.
- I love you, too, mi amigo.
- Are you coming to dinner?
- Yes my friend, I am,
I'm coming to dinner.
- I am so hungry man, I
am so hungry right now!
- I can't imagine why.
- Stardust, baby.
- Juan, are you busy?
- Just contemplating the stars.
- Am I a bitch?
- Stop being so
hard on yourself.
You're not making it any easier.
- I try.
Then I just go back
to my ways of being
too damn serious and mean.
I wish I was more like
Sallie, just fun-loving, free.
I've always admired her.
- Hey Mom.
- Oh hey, honey, I hope
you had a great workout.
- Why do you have to be so
sarcastic all the damn time?
You don't appreciate
a damn thing I do
for this family, Jeanne Anne.
Dammit woman, why do you
always have to be so negative?
You treat me like I'm a dumbass.
You don't respect me.
You never have.
- Juan, we're gonna finish
this conversation later.
- I'm sorry Juan, man I'm sorry.
Her nagging, it doesn't roll
off me like it used to, man.
You know, I don't even
know why she's mad at me.
I mean, I know that I'm not
the lean mean fighting machine
I always was.
But I still got feelings.
Hell, I'm more
sensitive now than ever.
That's just not love.
- If you come from
a place of love,
the world will just
have to deal with it.
- That's not where
I'm coming from, Juan.
In fact, I'm going
by not coming.
I'm gonna get drunk.
I'm gonna eat some redfish.
I'm gonna watch Lonesome Doves.
- Jimmy, please come to dinner.
I have something important
to tell everyone.
- Dinner, there's no way Juan.
Man, I heard her talking
about killing me.
She said it, she
was serious, man.
I ain't never seen
her like this.
She's lost her damn mind.
- She's not serious.
Come on, man, please
come to dinner, for me.
Come on, man.
- For you.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- For you.
Leroy's son's got
a brand new gun
And he's goin' 95 up to Dena
Got a plan he's
gonna kill this man
- I like jalapenos, except
for when they get hot.
- I hate jalapenos.
- Jenny, jalapenos are
cleansing, they're good for you.
- Got the salsa, y'all.
- Why are you wearing
your sunglasses?
- Shut up.
- Salsa.
- Would you take your glasses
off, for the last time?
- Jesus Christ,
let's eat already.
God bless this food
and treat us good.
- Bless this food we're
about to be nourished with,
and especially Lord Jesus,
the two beautiful women
who prepared it for us.
Please give us the strength
to tell the truth, oh Lord,
maker of the stardust,
and lead us all to forgiveness.
- Come on, now, when did
you get so preachy, Juan?
- That was very pretty.
- If you need something
done in a physical plane,
please, do it through us.
We are your ideas
going through time
on this bowling ball of--
- Right on, Juan.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Bowling ball?
- Shut your derelict mouth.
I love him.
- Juan, I thought that
was a lovely prayer.
I especially liked
the part about
giving us the strength
to tell the truth.
Where shall we start?
Jenny, Anthony, is there
something you two little lovebirds
just wanna get off your chest?
- She's certifiable,
totally lost it.
- Why don't you just admit
in front of everyone,
that you're pregnant,
and even more so that your
brother is the father?
I know, there are
no secrets here.
- Wait a minute here.
Okay, you're saying
that I had a kid,
a tiny little baby, like a
little human being with her?
- Eyew.
- My sister?
- You can't fuck your sister.
- Dad, no way, man, no way.
I mean, I'm hard up
and that would be like
an all-time low.
From Old Mexico,
little boy city.
- Wait, you been crabbing
down at Boystown?
Well, don't break out
the seafood, Mama,
Anthony's coming
home with crabs.
- Oh.
- You're fucking disturbing.
And mother, you're nuttier
than a squirrel turd.
You need help.
- I didn't raise you
kids to be fornicating
like a pack of
backwood hillbillies.
What would your Papo have said?
He's probably turning
over in his grave.
- Papo would duct
tape your mouth
and hands and feet, and take
you to the mental hospital
because you have lost it.
I've gotta get this psycho
bitch on my Snapchat.
- Don't you lie
to me, young lady.
There are no secrets
in the Kappa house.
You admitted it to your roommate
and we found your
pregnancy test.
- That's reassuring.
So you bugged my room at school
and you go through my trash?
Jeanne Anne Williker, NSA Mom.
- Wait, did you bug her room?
Do we have to break out
the straitjacket tonight?
- No, her suitemate
overheard her say
that she was in
love with Anthony.
- Jeanne Anne, please,
Anthony is not the only
goddamn Anthony at the
University of Texas.
Did you ever think about that?
- Well, I, she said it
was forbidden fruit.
- Mother, is that what
all this is really about?
Me and Anthony?
Or can you just not deal
with your own issues?
- Anthony and I.
- It's a direct object
pronoun after a verb, JA.
- You really wanna know?
- You have no idea.
- It's true.
- Oh my God.
- All of it.
We are in love and having a baby
on an inbred reality TV show
called Backwoods America.
And your face is gonna be
Granny Backwood, plastered
all across America.
You're gonna be Hillbilly
Dynasty, yee-haw.
- I knew it, I knew it!
You can't lie to me.
I am not crazy, I am no fool.
Ooh, I can't breathe,
I can't breathe.
- You gotta breathe.
- We're just pulling
your leg here, okay.
We're just pulling your leg.
And I have to admit, you
kinda make it easy for us.
But I mean, honey, though,
for real, the twins,
we're having twins.
They're gonna be two-headed.
- So, are you two
in love or not?
- No, JA, you're really
trying to make me hurl here.
No, but if we are having a come
to Jesus session right now,
I'm gonna lay it all
right down on the line
once and for all.
I am in love
with Aunt Sallie.
- What?
- And she won't have
anything to do with me.
- Sallie Mae, my goodness,
you pedophile you.
- For once I can honestly
say I didn't do anything.
- Everybody's in love
with Aunt Sallie, son.
- What?
- I mean, we all love her.
She has so much
love in her heart.
- Oh, yeah, well thank you.
- I can tell you there's
a lot of love there,
but it's not in her heart.
She can hardly keep
it in her pants.
- Okay, what the hell, how did
this get turned around on me?
Now let's stay on task here.
Now Jenny, if your
brother is not the father,
then who is?
- What?
- Well, who got you in the
family way there, sugar?
- What are you talking about?
- There was a positive
pregnancy test
in your trash, damn child.
Don't you know who
knocked you up?
- It is fine if you don't know.
- Whoa, you got storked?
- No Anthony, you're stoned.
- You don't got any proof.
- Melissa, from next
door, didn't want her mom
to find out she's pregnant,
so she did her test over here.
You have to swear
you won't tell.
- I told you it was
that neighbor's girl.
That Melissa has a different
guy over every week.
- That little slut.
- So there's no baby?
- There is no baby.
- Oh thank God.
Oh don't get me wrong,
I do want grandkids,
just not like this
and not on reality TV.
But wait a minute, why did
you tell your suitemate
that you were in
love with Anthony?
- Just let it go.
- Oh Jenny.
Oh, you're good, your Aunt
Sallie taught you how to lie
amongst other things,
but I know that look.
No, you're hiding something.
Whoa.
You're in love, that's
it, you're in love.
Oh, she's in love.
But wait a minute, with who?
- Well, I hope y'all
saved room for enchiladas.
That gazpacho sure was
good, didn't y'all think?
- The best, you are
amazing Aunt Sallie.
- If it's not our Anthony,
then what Anthony?
- You know, only Anthony
I know is my best friend,
the Duke of the Piney Woods,
two hoots and a holler,
Anthony Boudreaux Timberlake.
- Boudreaux Timberlake?
- Boudreaux what?
- Like the Timberlakes?
- Shut up!
- Damn you, Mother, why can't
you just leave things alone?
I'm not a kid, I'm a grown
woman, and I give blowjobs.
Fuck all of you.
- Jenny Williker, you
get your butt back here
and you sit down.
If you're gonna lie
down with the dogs,
you better be ready
to get the fleas.
Papo wouldn't have
talk like that,
and I won't stand for it either.
Papo is dead.
The last time we had Sunday
dinner, Papo was alive.
He was sitting right
there in that chair.
Hell, he still is in my book.
Let's show some
respect, all of you.
Quit acting like
spoiled schoolchildren.
Now since this has become
a regular confession,
Jenny darling, it is
time to come clean.
What the hell is going on?
- Truth is,
Tiger and I are in love.
I'm sorry, brother.
I didn't mean to, it's just,
he's such a good guy and
he's cute and smart and sexy.
And you know he's
writing a book.
- Oh, how intellectual of him.
What kind of book?
- Um, it's just a
self-help type book.
- What kind of self help?
- Well, it's called Dumbalingus,
a Bushwhacker's Guide
to Oral Satisfaction.
- Is he some kind of fancy chef?
- Yeah, Mom, a cookbook.
The Joys of Eating Stuff.
- Lots of
tasty recipes there, I'm sure.
- Damn you, Jenny.
Out of all the guys in Texas,
you had to go and pick
my best friend Tiger?
Do you know how bad that sucks?
'Cause now I gotta
kill him with karate.
- He's a fine young man.
Papo would have been
proud to know him.
- Thank you.
- Well, I'm happy for you honey.
And there's no baby?
- There is no baby.
- Well, I think
you got a keeper.
- When do I get to meet him?
- When I'm done with him,
no offense, Aunt Sallie.
- None taken.
But you know, while we're,
while we're kind of on
a roll here tonight,
there's just a little
something that I,
well, we, um, that...
- Well, Sallie Mae
McGregor is speechless.
- Tell her Juan.
- Oh no, you have
something to share, Sallie,
you just go on and
tell us yourself.
- Juan, tell her.
- Well, ,
I love Sallie.
You're making fun of me.
- Good one,
that's kind of funny.
- We're in love.
- Oh Juan.
- And we're moving in together.
And I'll resign right away.
Everybody stopped laughing.
Juan and Aunt Sallie.
Two of my most favorite
people in the world.
If anybody was to steal
my girl man, I guess,
I guess it's good that it's you.
Crazy, that is crazy, man.
Bowling ball and dust, stardust,
stardust, baby,
stardust.
- Well, I'm happy for you.
It's a beautiful thing when
love is found in this world
and there is no
need to resign Juan.
I want you both around.
I love you both.
- Jeanne Anne, that
is the sweetest thing
you've said since 1988.
Oh, we love you JA.
- Thank you for
your blessing, JA.
- I wish Papo were
here to see this.
I forgot to light the candles.
- You sure did.
- That'll fix everything.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- It says last
will and testament.
- What?
- It's dated last week,
the day Papo died.
- No way.
- You didn't know
it was there?
- The stardust, it's
breathing in everyone,
even you, Mom.
That is unreal.
- Read it, Mom.
- To my old partners
Juan and Jimmy,
in the old days
around these parts,
the Comanches would bring
in brave boys, captives,
and work them to the bone.
If they survived, they became
equal parts of their family.
You boys are two
of the best sons
I could've ever hoped for.
My land, this stretch
of earth we call home,
is now yours to
manage as you see fit.
I have also left you
my cowboy books, guns,
vehicles, horses,
saddles, livestock,
and GPS coordinates of my
favorite fishing holes.
- God, I love that man.
Jeanne Anne and Jimmy,
as you know, MeMaw was a
force to be reckoned with.
Everyone thought we always
got along, but in truth,
we fought like cats and dogs.
The question I would
always ask myself
is what am I more committed to,
being right or staying married?
- Lord knows that's the truth.
- Despite Papo's great wisdom,
your father and I have
something that we would like
to tell you.
We're getting divorced.
- What?
- What the fuck are
you talking about?
- Mom, you have someone else?
- I do not.
Our relationship
has become untenable
and that is all that I can say.
- Anthony and I
are not surprised.
We just, we thought
it would be Dad
that couldn't take
your crap anymore.
I mean, the way you treat him.
I'm surprised he put
up with it this long.
Maybe he'll finally
get his balls back.
- Well, this philanderer
didn't have any balls.
- Oh dammit, Jeanne
Anne Williker.
For once and for all, you
completely deballed the man.
- Wait, when the hell did
this conversation turn
to my balls or lack thereof?
- You know damn well,
Mr. Port A Affair Man.
Why don't you just grow
a pair and tell everyone
what you've been up to?
- Mr. Port A what?
- Your father has been
spending the last few days
with his girlfriend at
our condo on the coast.
Oh yeah.
Not even the decency to take
her to the hunting lease
in Three Rivers, just
right there in my own bed,
you son of a bitch.
- Wait a minute, JA,
you got it all wrong.
You gotta tell her Dad.
- Well, come on, big boy,
try to dig yourself
out of this one.
The head of the Junior
League herself saw you
gallivanting in and
out all week long
with some 30-year-old
blonde tramp.
Oh, I've
had it with you.
Count your blessings
I let you live.
- You wanna know?
Okay, I'll let you know.
You know how you hate
the lime green and orange
at the condo in Port A?
Happy fucking anniversary.
I hired a decorator to
redo it all as a surprise.
So fuck you.
Surprise, I ain't fucking
anyone but myself,
drinking myself to
sleep trying to forget
how much I miss poor Papo.
Selfless son of a bitch.
I had to lick my wounds and
deal with my loss my way.
- So you're not cheating on me?
- Goddammit, what's
the matter with you?
No, I can't remember
the last time I got any.
- Oh sweetie, oh that is so sad.
- I thought when you bought
the cow, it was unlimited.
I'm never getting married.
- I thought you
made a fool of me
and left me for another woman.
Will you forgive me?
I think I forgot how much
I really do love you.
- Jeanne Anne, honey,
why don't you finish
reading the will?
- You're really
not cheating on me?
- Just read the damn thing.
- Okay.
Relationships are tough.
You take things for granted.
I fought through some tough
times and I made it through
and I'm glad I did.
A great woman is
like a great horse,
a high spirit and
helluva companion.
You get bucked off,
you get back on her.
Quit is a four-letter word.
- Dammit, Papo.
Why do you always
know just what to say
just before I do
something stupid?
Why didn't you tell
me you were dying?
Thought I was your best friend.
- You were his best friend, Dad.
- Papo knows things.
I don't know how, but he
sure in the hell does.
He put that will in that
drawer the day he died.
Who does that?
- Wonderful, you two.
Does Papo say anything about me?
- Well, read on, JA.
I'm sure he consecrates
great Sallie in there, too.
- To my darling Sallie, honey,
I paid off the mortgage
and bought you a new Lexus
down at the dealership.
- Holy cow.
- Talk to Raul, he
will take care of it.
- Oh my God.
- I love you, baby, and thanks
for putting a whole bunch
of big smiles on an old man.
Signs of a dime hot is a tamale.
You're one tasty tomato.
- Oh hell no, man.
- Let me see that, oh
my God, I love that man.
- Oh my God, Aunt
Sallie, you sexy slut.
- Oh, thank you sugar,
- Is that all?
- Oh, here we go.
To Anthony and Jenny, I have
set up an educational trust
for your undergraduate
and graduate education,
complete with a trip to Europe.
- Yeah!
- Oh my God!
- And new cars.
- No way.
- A man could not hope
for better grandchildren.
Right now I feel like
when you're bull riding
and your eight seconds is up,
you know it's time to get off,
but you're not quite sure how
or where you're gonna land.
Oh, sure babe.
- Sallie!
- Hey, listen to this.
I couldn't have asked
for a better life
or a more loving family.
Take my ashes out
to the hill country
in back of Crider's Rodeo
on the Guadalupe River.
Then I can listen to the
rodeo and dance every weekend.
Cyprus trees and a spring-fed
river puts a smile on my face.
- I can smell the
whiskey on his breath.
- Uh Dad, I think
that's your upper lip.
- Oh yeah, but he's
here, I can feel him.
- Yeah, in the plasma fields.
What's the rest of it say?
- It says, I have left donations
to the Charlie Rose show,
PBS, the NRA, the
Heritage Seed Foundation,
NPR, and Organization for
Conservative Fiscal and Liberal
Personal Rights Activism.
- If that isn't the
most damned mixed bag
I've ever heard of in my life.
- He loved that Charlie Rose.
- He sure did.
- To Jeanne Anne,
my little girl,
you have always made your
mother and I so proud.
We love you so much
with all our hearts.
Everything else in my
estate goes to you.
- All right.
- That's wonderful.
- You got the whole
kit 'n' kaboodle, JA.
- Mom, that's awesome.
- Jeanne Anne, do you always
have to be so dramatic?
Who else would he give it to?
- Right?
- Oh look, she's speechless now.
- Now it's her turn.
- She's choking!
- Hey, hey, do the Heimlich,
she's choking, y'all!
She's choking, oh my God!
- Oh my God!
- Call 911, call 911!
- Jeanne Anne!
Come on, spit it
out JA, spit it out!
- It's not gonna
come out that way!
- I'm uncomfortable!
- JA!
- What are you doing to her?
- I think she's dying!
- Wake up, darling,
wake up baby.
Jeanne Anne, Jeanne
Anne, wake up.
I'm not done with you baby,
please don't leave me.
Jeanne Anne, I love you.
- Jimmy, Jimmy,
do the look, feel, touch.
- I looked down there,
but I can't see.
She's not getting any air.
Jeanne Anne, Jeanne
Anne.
I gotta frack it down.
- Frack her, Dad, frack her!
- Oh God, it worked!
- She's alive!
- Oh my God!
- Help me!
- Help me get her up.
- Oh Jeanne Anne!
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God, Mom,
that was so scary.
Dad saved your life,
he fracked you.
- Baby, don't you
ever do that again.
- I saw them.
They were standing right there.
I talked to them.
- Who, honey?
- Papo and MeMaw.
They hugged me and,
and said they were fine,
that they loved me.
And then MeMaw said
that I had to come back
because y'all needed me.
They had cocktail
glasses in their hands
like it was happy hour.
I felt Papo's breath.
It smelled like warm whiskey.
- I told you, Papo's breath.
- And I smelled MeMaw's
perfume, like two rose bushes
and a honeysuckle.
And I looked back and
they raised their glasses.
They had crushed ice.
- Mom, I love you, I'm
so glad you're not dead.
But you gotta hear this.
According to this, Papo has
executed your wishes, Mom.
This is from Jeanne Anne,
March 24, 2003, to Papo.
I think you should read it, Dad.
- Dear Daddy, I thought
about our last discussion
and I've come to the
following conclusion.
Jimmy is the most understanding,
warm loving husband
a woman could have.
But I feel his
frustration with me.
I wish I could be the
open, playful partner
that Jimmy needs, but I'm
just not a free spirit.
I love Jimmy more than
anything or anyone.
And I always have.
Please promise me that if I
ever receive any inheritance,
I would like it all to
go to Jimmy, all of it.
Maybe then he'll realize
how much I really love him.
I know you'll honor my wish.
Thank you for always
being there for me.
Your loving daughter,
Jeanne Anne.
- Well, I'll be damned if a
drought didn't end with a flood.
You gave him the ranch, baby.
- Hell honey, I mean, I
don't know what to say.
You can have it
back, I believe you.
- I don't want it back.
I want you to know how
much I really do love you.
And I always have.
There is not a material
possession, amount of money,
or secret fishing hole
than can ever express
how much I do love you.
I love this.
- So do I.
- But then it doesn't hurt.
I want you to have it
all and run that ranch,
just like Papo did.
- And we'll run it
as one big family,
Sallie and Juan included.
- I really do love this family.
- Wait, Dad, there's more.
- Okay, Papo wants
us to do a toast.
Grab your glasses.
- Oh!
- Are you kidding me?
- A toast, to love,
health, wealth,
and plenty of time to enjoy it.
- To love, health, wealth,
and plenty of time
to enjoy them.
- And with that, my
beloved ones, goodbye,
and be well until we see you on
this side of the dirt.
- This side of the star dirt.
- Oh baby, I love you.
- I love you guys, man.
- I love you, big boy.
It's a long road
It takes a long time
You gotta keep a little
faith in this big ol' world
While it spins along
You might be fucked up
Or maybe you're all fine
Oh you're never gonna know
till the mirror stares back
And it's satisfied
You can't leave yet
Place your bets, there's
so much more to do
Even though
It came before you
'Cause this side of the
dirt we can make it work
On this side of
the dirt, you know
It'll always be a
little bit worse
On this side of the
dirt, sometimes it hurts
But this side of
the dirt, at least
You might fall in
love or find some luck
Get off your knees
Can you hear the violins
That dance in your head
Ooh sleep tight
my little darling
That's what she said
'Cause tomorrow
You're gonna stand tall
And there's a whole
lotta gold in the hills
And you can have it all
You can't leave yet
No
So place your bets,
there's so much more to do
And even though
It came before you