This Time Next Year (2024) Movie Script
1
Ugh.
Shit.
Oh, hi.
Did you make it out of the house?
Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm... I'm...
I'm at the tube.
Oh!
Good.
And nothing bad's happened?
No fallin' pianos.
No pigeons of the apocalypse.
Not yet.
I'm sure the New Year's Eve jinx
will get me in the end.
Like it does every year.
Okay, well, Minnie,
I'm here preparing your pies,
so you can go have a stress-free night,
celebrate with your boyfriend,
and see in the New Year.
So I say no
to letting the jinx ruin tonight.
Remember, it's only real...
If I let it be real.
Seriously, Leila, in the 16 years
we've been friends,
can you think of one New Year's Eve
that hasn't been
a complete disaster for me?
Do you really think I make this shit up?
- Well, no.
- Exactly!
I swear to you
the universe has it in for me.
I love you.
- Yeah. I love you, too.
- Have fun.
Nothing bad is gonna happen.
Minnie?
No.
Uh, shit.
Oh.
Sorry.
Oh!
Aw! Oh, damn it!
Due to a signal failure
and an incredibly unlikely combination
of other technical failures,
this train will be held in a tunnel
until further notice.
Happy New Year, folks!
Oh
eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one.
Happy New Year!
No, no, no, no, no!
- Oh!
- Oh, no!
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Happy birthday to me.
Pink on the moon
Cracks in the clues
One thing that is crystal clear
Crystal clear
My blood is all diamonds
When I'm with you
Pink on the moon
Cracks in the clues
One thing that is crystal clear
Crystal clear
My blood is all diamonds
When I'm with you
Finally, you are a year late.
Sorry. I... I got stuck.
Um, Greg, you d... you didn't tell me
- it was black tie.
- No one cares.
It's a bourgeois construct, isn't it?
Lucy.
Oh, I look like
such a bloody lemon, though!
So this must be Minnie.
Happy birthday.
Shit, sorry.
Happy birthday.
Greg mentioned
you're a 1st of January baby.
- Just like my boyfriend.
- Thanks.
Um, I'm not really big
into birthdays, though.
So what do you do, Minnie?
Uh, Minnie has her own catering business.
Hi, can I, uh, get a gin tonic
as soon as you got 'em in?
It's not funny.
Yeah. I... I'll be back.
My blood is all diamonds
When I'm with you
Ugh!
At least the night can't get much worse.
Come on, Minnie.
You know, it's only real
if you let it be real.
Why would you say that! Why!
Shit.
Hello? Hello!
Can anyone hear me?
I... I really need some help!
Can someone please go
and find Greg Bevans?
He's a short, angry man.
You can't miss him!
He's the only one not wearing black tie!
Hello?
Is someone there?
Hello?
Oh, thank God!
Can you help me? I... I'm stuck in here.
Oh, right.
So you locked yourself in?
No, the... the door handle broke.
Okay. Well, let me take a run at it.
You better stand well back
I don't want you to get hurt.
Oh, no, I... I think you need
to pull it towards you.
Oh, okay then.
Um... Hi!
Hi.
How long have you been in here?
Not long.
Since just after midnight.
Well, Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
I'm Minnie. I came with Greg.
Ah, funny Greg's girlfriend.
So funny, he went home without me.
What are you still doing here?
I try to see the first sunrise
of every year.
It's a chance to start everything anew.
Oh, it's my least favorite day
of the year.
- I bloody hate it.
- Oh, you can't hate it.
It's my birthday.
Get out of here.
Oh, it's my birthday, too!
Uh. Yeah, I... I don't think
I've ever met anyone
with the same birthday as me,
1st of January.
Oh, I am such an idiot. It's your party.
You must be Lucy's boyfriend.
Yeah, Quinn.
Quinn?
Yeah.
- Quinn Hamilton?
- Yes.
Quinn Hamilton born
in Hampstead Hospital in 1990?
Yeah.
You! You stole my name!
Well, Mrs. Hamilton, at this rate
you're not having this baby tonight.
You need to get up.
Jostle things on a bit.
My money's on you,
having this first '90s baby now, Connie.
Midwife's right.
You gotta get up. Get things moving.
- I can't.
- Hey, you gotta breathe deep.
Like hippo.
None of these prissy little sheep sounds.
Moo!
- Like that, come on.
- Moo!
Oh, my days, that's not your laugh.
What's wrong with my laugh?
Don't make me laugh. Don't make me laugh.
Oh, it's worse.
Oh, I'm, scared Connie.
Well, it's a bit late now, innit?
You're gonna be alright.
Do you know what you're havin'?
Oh, I... it's a boy.
Got a name?
My husband likes Leopold after his uncle.
Do you know what name I've got planned?
Quinn. It's a family name.
My grandma said it held the luck
of the Irish.
Never knew a Quinn
who didn't lead a charmed life.
Girl or boy, this one's gonna be Quinn.
All right, here comes another one.
- Moo!
- Moo!
Moo!
And on a lighter note,
the first baby born
in the capital this year
has been announced.
So what was the name of the lucky chap?
Someone told me Quinn was a lucky name.
He's certainly been lucky so far.
Lucky indeed.
With a cash prize of 50,000,
that certainly gives young Quinn Hamilton
a very good start in life.
And why wouldn't they
just call you "Quinn", too?
You were all over the news.
Plus, I don't think
my mum could stomach it
after missing out on the prize money
by less than a minute.
Well, I think Minnie is a lovely name.
You haven't heard my full name.
Minnie Cooper.
Minnie Cooper like the car?
Wow. That's crazy.
Yep. I actually don't think
my parents noticed
for about two weeks.
You really think I stole your luck
as well as your name?
Well, hearing you say it out loud
makes me sound completely mental,
but yeah, I kind of think you did.
I have always had bad luck
on my birthday.
It's like the day's jinxed for me.
Oh, Minnie!
Minnie, wait for me! Minnie!
This would never have happened
to a Quinn Cooper.
This never would have happened
to a Quinn Cooper
It is not your fault.
Mind you this never would have happened
to a Quinn Cooper.
Yes, I get it!
Well, in that case, allow me
to take you for a birthday breakfast.
Thanks, but I need to shower.
I should probably let my boyfriend know
I'm not dead.
Can I get your number at least?
- Don't you have a girlfriend?
- It's only breakfast,
and it's not every day that you get
to meet your birthday twin.
So you can find me online
if you really want to.
Well, happy birthday, Minnie Cooper,
like the car.
Happy birthday, name stealer.
Morning, Lucky.
How was your night?
My favorite pet, sweetie.
Pbbt.
Good morning, Fleur.
Happy New Year.
What are you looking so happy about?
It's the 2nd of January, isn't it?
The day farthest away from my birthday.
Therefore, the best day of the year.
Nothing bad ever happens
on the 2nd of January.
I did notice though that the van is parked
on a double yellow line.
Is this leek milk?
I'm doing a leak-based diet this month.
Right. No, that's just uh, milk milk.
And can you move the van?
There's an amnesty on parking
when it's a bank holiday.
There's no amnesty
and it's not a bank holiday,
so...
What's that... what's that smell?
Oh, yeah, there's been a disaster.
Beverly burnt the pies.
Me and the new ovens
haven't been gettin' along.
We have a timer, Bev!
The pies take exactly 42 minutes!
Me and the timer
haven't been gettin' along.
Oh!
I'm so sorry, Minnie.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
One minute I'm thinkin'
about pies and pastry,
the next I'm frettin' about
the futility of existence.
Like what's the point?
We're all gonna die anyway.
Yeah, she zoomed too far out
on Google Maps.
Now she can't get back.
You know, the shamanic healer I saw in LA,
had an existential crisis just like this.
Fleur, can you remind me
what it is we pay you to do?
Answer the phones, organize deliveries,
be the sexy youthful face
of the organization.
So since the phone's not ringing
and we have no pies to deliver,
could you please move the van?
I'm so sorry, Minnie.
What the fuck is happenin' in here?
Yeah, Bev, burnt the pies.
Look at the waste!
Do you not know the price
of butter right now?
This is the last thing I need!
I'm sorry. It's these new ovens.
Don't you dare blame the ovens!
Okay, let's just not argue
about ovens again, please.
Can we just focus on getting 40 new pies
baked and delivered by the end of the day?
I'll move the van.
I... I'm sorry,
but I need to get to the bank.
Oh, I'm sorry, I promise we'll fix it.
Oh, bugger off!
Not you. Greg.
Can you believe he abandons me
in a club on New Year's Eve
and now I'm the one getting arsey messages
about where I got to?
I think you're due an upgrade
on your boyfriend baggage.
Agreed, you could do
with better customer care.
Or free roaming at least.
- Right, I'm off.
- Wanna take Fleur with you?
No. I take care of the finances,
you lot take care of the bakin'.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Van's been clamped.
Uh. well...
Ugh! Who else has got a spare set
of wheels we can borrow?
Doesn't Greg have a car?
No way.
Someone's finally emerged
from their sick bed, have they?
How's the migraine?
It's better, thank you.
Supposed to be brought on by sleeping
on a cold bathroom floor all night
because no one came to find me.
How was I meant to know
you were stuck?
I don't have a radar.
Like, "Boop, boop. Where's Minnie?"
Boop, boop. Minnie not located.
Must find Minnie.
Ting, ting, ting. Minnie found.
Target acquired. I'm radar.
Robo... I'm a robot.
Well, if you just
kept your phone fully charged,
then you wouldn't have to sleep
in a toilet.
Hmm, thank you, that's...
That's a great idea, Greg.
Now listen, um, I kind of need
to borrow your car.
Boop, boop. Negative.
Car not allowed for Minnie.
Boop, boop, boop, ding, ding, ding.
- Okay, okay.
- Boop, boop.
No more booping, please!
- Ting, ting.
- God, just stop!
- Ding, ding, ding.
- Greg, okay, just stop!
Listen.
Hello?
Boop, boop.
Hey, hey, look, if...
If you give me the car,
I swear I will make it up to you tonight.
Yeah, I might even dress up
as a sexy dental nurse again.
Yeah, I know how you love it
when I talk dirty to you
about your flossing schedule.
Yeah, I might even buy you
that special pink mouthwash.
Minnie?
Greg?
No, um, Quinn.
Pardon?
Quinn Hamilton?
Oh my God!
Hi. I don't...
I don't... I don't actually...
I don't actually know
how that happened.
Uh, you need to borrow a car?
Uh, no. No, I'm good.
Uh, yes, no. Yes, I do.
I do need to borrow a car.
Well, I have a car you could borrow.
That is nice of you,
but my boyfriend has a car.
Well, if you borrow my car,
you won't need to pick up
that special pink mouthwash,
as fun as that sounds.
Oh, Jesus.
Don't stand there like salivating dogs,
do something.
Hi.
- Hi!
- Hi!
One car, yours for the day.
Yes, I actually don't think
I should drive that.
People will die.
I'm Quinn.
Hi, I'm Leila. Thanks for helpin' us out.
Pleasure.
I'm Fleur, I'm a Sagittarius,
I get easily excited.
I'll go and guard the car.
It's... isn't a great area.
Someone stole the bus stop last week.
Oi, you, touch that car
and you're goin' in a pie!
Should I grab some boxes?
Uh, yeah, sure.
So how come you drive
such a ridiculously fancy car?
You a spy or something?
No, I'm a management consultant.
Oh my God, that is exactly
what a spy would say!
Wow! Where to first?
Okay, today's deliveries are
Newnham Centre,
- four pies.
- Mm-hmm.
Then we go to Stratford Community Centre,
three pies.
Tottenham Social Centre, four pies.
Edmonton Community Centre, three pies.
Buckhurst Hill Community,
love it there, two pies.
Uh, Forest Gate Social Centre, five pies.
God's Own Social Centre, two pies.
All Souls Clubhouse, three pies.
East London Social Centre,
finishing it all up
with 14 pies.
- You okay?
- That's a lot of pies.
- That's a lot of pies.
- That's a lot of pies.
Hello!
Oh, Minnie!
We haven't seen you
on deliveries in a while.
Who's this fella then?
This is Quinn.
He's helping out for the day.
We have so many extra visitors on pie day.
Everyone loves your pies.
Only decent hot meals
some of them can afford.
Come on.
How you been, Mrs. Mentis?
Your bunions any better?
Oh, I can't complain, but I do.
Everyone needs a hobby, don't they?
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sure my Philip
would have lived a little longer
if only he'd had more to complain about.
Right, Quince,
if you could just put those pies
straight into the fridge.
No problem.
Is this the boyfriend Fleur mentioned?
Oh, he's, um, he's not my boyfriend.
Well, I've got a strapping chap
like you in the building,
could you take a look
at a blocked air vent?
I'm doin' the ladies hair
next door and it's awful stuffy.
Lead the way.
Thanks.
Okay, Shirley, no cheating this time.
Seventeen. Where's my dancing queen?
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
I'm sorry, the cat was beyond
the call of duty.
I can't believe how savage they are.
I mean I... I almost lost an arm.
It's amazing what you do for these people.
Nobel Prize-winning stuff,
pastry for pensioners.
And you're a lifeline to them.
And people need that connection
in their day,
someone to pop in, check they're okay.
It's kind of wonderful.
Not that brilliant.
Not financially anyway.
Well, you need to start charging
for cat collarin'.
Oh, you want to kiss it better.
I uh...
I don't suppose you fancy
a fortune cookie, do you?
I... I deliver one with every pie.
Always strangely accurate,
like the universe knows exactly
what to say.
Oh!
You will meet a relatively
helpful stranger who's terrible
at washing up
and embarrassingly afraid of cats.
Can we get some real food now?
Well, lucky for you, Quinn Hamilton,
there's one large pie left.
Now if it's okay with you,
I know someone who would love
to share this with us.
Bloody hell.
Is this where you grew up?
It is.
Though I saw it from a mile away,
but this feels like a different planet.
Hello?
- Someone there?
- Mum.
Quinn.
I've, uh, brought someone to see you.
Quinn, I wasn't expecting you.
Look at the state of me,
I'm not fit for house calls.
You look great, Mum.
Uh, this is Minnie.
Hello.
The one that should have been
called Quinn.
Minnie.
Minnie, gosh, aren't you pretty?
Um, uh, we brought you a pie.
Oh. Thank you.
I thought of your mother
many times over the years.
She helped me a great deal.
She told me.
She, uh, also mentioned you took the name
she had planned for me.
No, no, that's not how it was.
I meant it as a tribute to her after the...
All the help she gave me.
I tried to find her afterwards,
to thank her,
the hospital wouldn't give me her details.
Mum, you cannot get to her like that, Mum.
I never wanted to be in the paper,
I didn't ask for that silly prize money.
It's okay, Mum. It's okay.
If only I could see her and explain.
Well, uh, wouldn't worry about it.
It was a long time ago.
Why don't I get her to give you a call?
I'm sure she'll tell you
it's all forgotten.
Would you? Would you really?
Should we, uh, go through, Mum?
Yes. Yes.
Thank you.
Who is it that plays chess around here?
Oh, that's Quinn. Plays against himself.
Makes a move every time he's here.
County champion when he was eight.
I think I had this t-shirt.
We really could have been twins.
I really don't think
Minnie wants to see this.
Let's put this in the oven, shall we?
Minnie is the most incredible chef.
People love her pies.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I need to take this. do you mind?
Oh, of course, take your time.
Hello. Yeah, how's it going?
What?
Oh, come on, Leila,
can't you ask him to do something?
- Darling, did you pick up my pills?
- Yeah.
No, Leila, it's not alright!
Yeah.
Yeah, alright, I'll speak to you later.
Is everything okay?
No, it's not okay.
The bank won't extend our loan,
which basically means
our business is bust.
Well, surely there's a way.
New investors, a bridging loan.
Look, Quinn,
I really appreciate your help today,
but you don't know anything
about my situation.
I doubt you've ever had
financial difficulties.
I mean look at this place.
- I'm...
- Don't touch it, don't touch it.
- Mum.
- You might cut yourself.
Quinn, there's broken glass.
Don't let her touch it!
You'll cut yourself.
- It's fine, Mum.
- You'll cut yourself.
Well,
no one's gonna touch it, Mum.
- Please I think it's best you just leave.
- She might cut herself.
Sorry.
Come on, let's get you upstairs.
Quinn, it's Dad, I'm sorry
it's taken me a while.
Okay, a4 to c3.
Now I realize
that leaves my bishop wide open.
Listen, I know I said
we'd finish the game in person,
but it looks like I'm not going
to be back from New York
until Easter now.
I'm really sorry, son, but I...
I hope you're looking after your mother.
Remember, you are the man
of the house now.
Oh, and a happy birthday.
Uh, we're at Elaine's family's
for the holidays,
so nowhere near a post office
unfortunately,
but I will bring you something
back on my...
So you're ready to come back
to the dark side?
Won't be for long, Dad.
Oh, don't worry, you'll always have
a room here, Minnie Moo, always.
What are you gonna do
with all your clocks then?
Don't worry about me,
I've still got my workshop.
Dinner's ready!
Quieter out there anyway.
You're a foolhardy dreamer,
just like your father.
Running businesses is not our world.
The system's set up so the rich get richer
and the poor get screwed.
Oh, there's no need
to be so hard on her,
it's bad luck is all and tough climate.
Oh, wait a second,
I've just got to set that recorder
for Bake Off.
It's pie week, Minnie Moo.
You risk, you lose,
that's what I've learnt in this life.
You think I wanted to be
a broke, unemployed loser
moving home in my thirties?
It's just hard for a mother
to watch her child struggle.
And you seem to struggle more than most.
Never guess who I got introduced
to the other day.
Tara Hamilton.
I don't wanna hear that woman's name.
Apparently, you got this whole
name stealing thing wrong.
I have no interest
in dredging up the past.
Well, I'll get you the number,
just in case
you change your mind.
Tara bleeding Hamilton.
You'll be fine.
There are a million restaurants out there.
Do you know how many fussy, snobby,
testosterone-fuelled kitchens
I've worked in?
I'm not going back to that.
It sounds like Leila's fault.
I mean, you were in charge of the baking,
she was in charge of the finances.
You ran out of money, not dough.
It's quite funny.
Um, voice note, little joke,
uh, money, dough,
pun pertaining to baking.
It wasn't her fault.
You said she spent a fortune on new ovens
and the old ones are fine.
Yeah, well, they were temperamental.
Look, you need to get more product
out there in less time.
It's simple business dynamics,
you dump, you run.
Greg, I'm not gonna dump and run.
The whole thing is about
valuable human interaction.
Exactly, valuable. Monetize it.
Look, I don't suppose
you're going to help me
move the last of my furniture into storage
this weekend, could you?
- Minnie.
- Please. Please.
Look, Minnie,
I don't wanna sound like a twat,
but I can't expend any more energy
on your dramas right now.
My dramas?
God, I'm so sorry, Greg,
I didn't realize my life was
so exhausting for you.
It's okay.
I appreciate that, but hey, it's okay.
I'm gonna go for a run,
get my endorphins pumping,
get my sweat on.
Um, you're resourceful,
you're plucky, you'll be fine.
Ciao, bella.
Ciao, bella?
What the fuck?
The conga!
What the hell is going on?
Minnie, you would not believe it.
It's a Christmas miracle,
just not at Christmas.
We've had a huge pie order,
all paid up front.
Oh, yes!
Bigger than the multiple orgasm
I had with Harry Styles
in his yacht in Mexico.
Uh, who from?
Who cares? We're in the money!
I don't think we should be dancing,
we should be baking.
There's always time for dancing.
Bev!
What did you do that for?
- What a mess!
- Fleur did it, too!
Money is fine to throw
in the air, everyone knows that.
Not flour, Bev.
- Hello!
- Hi!
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
You ordered 200 pies?
Uh, are you completely insane?
And I guess we'll pick this up
first thing Monday morning.
Thank you.
Welcome, Minnie.
I don't need you to bail me out, Quinn.
I'm not some charity case.
I really like the pies.
And I thought my colleagues and clients
would like them, too.
Massively undercharging, by the way.
Hmm. Well, luckily,
I didn't set up my business
so I can feed rich city boys lunch.
You know what makes you walk
slightly off center?
What does?
That massive chip you keep
carrying around on your shoulder.
Look, your pies are good,
you clearly have a market,
but you're not makin' any money.
You need to diversify your client base
and raise the prices.
That is unbelievably sweet of you,
but I don't need you to
management consultancy me.
I'm not some damsel in distress looking
for a knight with a shining,
bleeding credit card!
You have a chef that burns the pies,
a driver that loses the van,
an MD too stubborn to compromise,
even if it means losing her business.
I usually charge 500 an hour.
You can have that summation for free.
Thanks, but I'm not sure I need advice
from a spoiled public schoolboy
whose trust fund probably
bought him this business.
You have no idea about my life,
and this whole hard done
by working-class routine
is deeply unattractive.
I don't need you to find me attractive.
Stop talking, Fleur, we're leaving!
It's like he's your sexy nemesis
or somethin'.
Who's sexy?
Minnie's love twin.
He's not my love twin!
Oh God, I was so horrible!
I don't know what came over me.
Well, I'm glad he's got money to burn,
he bought us time.
Right, I'm off to see the bank man again.
Want me to come?
Will you tell him you put our prices up
and use cheaper ingredients?
Then no.
Quick game?
Yeah, why not?
Ooh! Ian, you've not been practicing.
Yeah, I know. I get you next time.
So, I'm gonna ask Leila to marry me.
What?
- Yeah.
- Do you have a ring?
Yeah.
Oh my God, I know exactly
how you need to do it!
And, I wanted to ask you something.
I know it's not my place,
and I hate to put you on the spot,
but would you consider giving up
the business?
What?
It's killing her, Min, okay?
She's so stressed all the time.
And this latest order,
it's just a Band-Aid
on a much bigger problem.
Well, we've made it work for four years.
Yeah, because you work
nearly every single hour
of every single day,
and because you pay yourselves
basically nothing.
When was the last time
you looked at the accounts?
Did she even tell you
that she'd been offered a job
at a fashion start-up?
No.
She takes it on all herself.
And she just hates the idea
of letting you down.
I'm not saying this
to be a shit-stirrer, Min.
I really... I'm not, but...
It's like you know,
when Sonic the Hedgehog
goes into invincibility mode?
You know, the music goes all up-tempo,
and he's in his little bubble,
and he's knocking everything
out of the park.
Yes.
Okay, so, I wanna be
her invincibility mode.
I wanna shield her from the bad stuff.
I love her,
and I hate seeing her like this.
I don't know.
Everything's such a mess right now.
Well, when life gets glitchy,
maybe you just need to press reset.
I just... I don't understand why.
You're never gonna champion
my invincibility bubble, Greg.
Is this about me not helping you move,
'cause I can contribute
to the cost of a man with a van.
I hope we can stay friends.
Well, friendly acquaintances. Ciao.
I just got nominated
for young journalist of the year.
Do you really think
you're gonna do better than me?
Don't think you're using
my Peloton bike anymore.
Or my Netflix login.
And you can unfollow me on Strava!
Humble pie?
I wanted to say I'm sorry for screaming
at you the other day like a crazed banshee
in front of your colleagues.
Well, I'm sorry for trying
to be your knight
with a shiny credit card.
Are you drunk?
Hopefully.
Wow!
Your pastries are positively
the most perfect thing
I've ever tasted.
Thanks, um, so, sorry, wh...
Why are you drinking alone in your office?
Lucy dumped me, which I expected.
And she posted a song about it,
which I didn't.
At least she doesn't mention your name.
Wow! Uh, who does that?
Apparently, break-up videos
are a thing now.
How about you?
Funny Greg still tickling your funny bone?
No, I broke up with him.
Wasn't gonna do a break-up video, though.
What happened?
Well, I realized...
I have to be with someone
who wants all of me,
not just the parts that suit them.
Someone who'll be there
for me when I need them
and who makes me feel like
there's no one else
in the world I'd rather be with.
Guess I wanna find my soulmate.
You do know how unlikely that is.
That you'll find that one person
who's destined for you.
Not everything's about statistics.
Some people have other commitments.
You can't always be there.
I think you can be, for the right person.
Anyway, um, your turn.
Spill your guts, Hamilton.
You know, I...
I've never ended a relationship.
I just disengage.
It's like drivin' a car.
You just take both hands
off the steering wheel.
It's just a matter of time.
Hello?
Yeah, one second.
Shit!
You alright?
My Tinder date's outside.
Oh, um...
I can tell her to go.
Oh, God, no, I mean, uh,
don't... don't... don't do that.
Um, whiskey and Tinder, though,
great combo.
Really good for rebounding.
Not... not that
you're rebounding necessarily.
It's just, uh, I mean that...
That... that... that... she...
She could be your soulmate,
standing outside for... for we... no?
I'll be right down.
So beneath that spiky exterior,
Minnie Cooper, like the car,
is really just a diehard romantic
searching for a soulmate.
I really regret telling you that.
Well, I'm glad you did.
Do I smell like whiskey?
Only, um, like you bathed in it.
Bollocks.
"You will overcome
difficult times."
Hey.
You wanted to talk?
Yeah.
I've been going through the accounts.
When were you going to tell me?
What?
Just how much of your own money
you've put in to keep us afloat?
It was just a loan to cover the shortfall.
You might never get it back.
Babe, you know, I would never have agreed
to you risking your life savings.
I believe in doing what it takes.
Unlike you, hardly compromising.
Okay, well, I've done the maths.
If we give our notice now,
we can get out of our lease
for the rest of the year.
We sell the equipment, we sell the van,
I can give you back everything you put in.
No!
Leila! Look at you, you're exhausted.
Let's just pull the plug while we can.
You wanna to throw away
everything we've built?
Uh, well, it's not like we haven't tried.
Trust me, we can turn this around.
Some things just aren't meant to be.
Oh, yeah, Minnie Cooper
School of Business,
where you find your answer
in a fucking fortune cookie.
- Okay.
- If you do this, I will never forgive you.
And don't think I'm gonna be here
to help build your next dream.
Or to listen to you complain
about not having made anything
of your sad little life.
Hey, I like my sad little life!
And you did spend too much on the ovens!
I don't think she took that very well.
Fuck!
Just call her.
We ain't the bleeding Kardashians.
No one's invested in this
decades-long grudge match
except you women.
Connie Cooper.
You look just the same as I remember you.
You look less sweaty, less pregnant.
Won't you come in?
So which part of this
did my prize money buy?
Shall we have tea?
I'll make us a pot
of Earl Grey with lemon.
I find it takes the bitterness out.
You didn't have any more then?
After your boy?
No, I... I was pregnant twice.
But... my husband said I shouldn't be
so upset about it.
That they weren't real babies yet.
No one has the right
to tell you how upset to be.
With the second, I fell in the bathroom.
I went into labor at six months.
I was here, alone.
Lost a lot of blood.
You know whose voice it was I heard
when I was half delusional?
Yours, telling me to breathe like a hippo.
I did try and find you.
I only gave him that name
because I wanted...
You don't need to explain.
I shouldn't have been so upset about it.
Everyone told me not to.
It was the final straw
in a run at bad luck.
Oh.
You got enough cans?
Corner shop had a sale on cans.
One man's best before date's
another man's dinner.
Everything's goin' up,
I don't know how we're supposed
to make things stretch.
Oh. Leila will come round, love.
Don't know if she will, though.
Never thought like this before.
These things have a way
of workin' themselves out.
I didn't speak to your father
for three weeks
after one of his failed ventures.
But you get past it. You have to.
Oh, you need to
look after yourself, Minnie.
What did you do for fun
before you worked every other day?
Is that Minnie?
- Hello, stranger.
- Hello.
I brought you a little food
from the outside world.
Oh my God.
Come on in.
Excuse me, that's my towel.
Oh, it's you. What are you doing here?
I mean, I was swimming.
Now I'm getting told off by you again.
Well, that's my towel.
You mean this towel?
Not a chance, got mine all wet.
I'll take
your nice, dry one. Thanks.
So is this just like a standard
Sunday morning activity for you?
- Stealing towels from hapless swimmers?
- Every Sunday.
So do you think you could take a break
from your stealing spree
and maybe grab some breakfast with me?
I could do breakfast.
At least until
your next Tinder date turns up.
Ouch.
Hello.
Oh.
So, uh, how's business going?
We had to close.
Sorry.
Let's not talk about work.
You'll probably start tryin'
to charge me an hourly rate
for your insights.
Fine.
I don't want to unleash
angry Minnie again.
I mean not now that we're friends.
Oh, we're friends, are we?
I can't believe
you love Star Wars.
What, because I'm a girl?
No, because you can't love it
if you lose Han Solo over Luke.
It's Luke's story!
It starts with him and it ends with him.
Well, Luke's the heart,
but Han Solo's the soul.
I mean without Han Solo,
you don't get Chewbacca.
You don't get the love story with Leia.
You don't get...
Cheers.
Whoa.
What? Get back here!
Get back here, you!
- No way!
- So you just meet up to swim?
No snogging?
No underwater groping?
No, we just swim, and talk,
and have coffee on the heath.
So have you shagged her yet?
No, we're just friends.
- You don't have friends who are girls.
- I have.
I've had friends who are girls.
Name one.
Sophie Ridgway, 6'4".
I was friends with her.
Yeah, before you shagged her.
Oh.
I know that face.
I invented that face.
Trust me, I'm not his type.
And you know, even if I was,
I have zero interest
in jumping into anything right now.
Why do men have to catch up playing sport?
I feel like women get to
catch up over a relaxing coffee.
Possibly pastries.
Jonesy, you suggested tennis.
Oh.
So what's wrong with this Minnie chick?
Nothing.
I mean it's great. She's smart.
She's funny.
I really like her.
Being single is like my boat
on this still lake
with no one else's shit to unsettle me.
And I can talk to her about stuff.
Real stuff.
Like we chat for hours,
but it feels like no time at all.
Sonia talks to me for five minutes,
it feels like hours.
You can bob around
on boring lakes when you're 50.
Right now you need
to get that tight little boat
of yours back on the high seas.
Ride some sexy waves.
Look, if I cross the line, I'll ruin it.
I always ruin it.
That's true.
Sonia thinks you should do therapy.
She also thinks we should have
a threesomes. Did I mention that?
I'm happy with things the way they are.
You're just saying that.
You like him, he's friend-zoned you.
Red flag, red flag, big fucking red flag.
I know you're secretly hoping for more.
She'll be secretly hoping for more.
Women are always secretly hoping for more.
I'm not hoping for more.
Why can't I be friends with a funny...
- Oh!
- Sweet...
Thoughtful, intelligent, handsome guy?
Without...
Whoa!
Oh. Fuck.
Without everyone assuming
I'm hoping for more.
So should I tell Sonia
it's a no to the threesome?
Sex ruins relationships.
Come on.
- Look at the state of you.
- Otherwise pretty even match.
Have you spoken to Leila?
I tried, but I don't think
she can forgive me
for pulling the plug.
I can't compute you guys
not being friends.
Well, just as well I have
my new swimming friend.
If you're not repulsed by the idea
of licking his ball sack,
then he's not your friend.
Morning.
- Would you fancy a lick?
- Sorry, what?
Um, no, I'm good.
Thanks.
Uh, what were we talking about?
- My mum.
- Right.
Um, has she always had such
difficult time?
Well, she's always suffered with anxiety.
Dad left.
Got ten times worse.
She struggled leavin' the house.
Petrified of intruders.
Tried therapists, doctors, carers.
She only wants me.
Nah, you know, I shouldn't complain.
People have much bigger problems.
You know, once I said, "Enough",
"I'm not coming."
I found her at the bottom of the staircase
with a fractured ankle.
All because I left her at home, alone.
What kind of monster does that make me?
I... I'm... I'm sorry.
You really don't need to hear all this.
Don't be daft. I want to.
Look, I'm sorry I was such a dick to you
when we first met,
assuming your life must be...
easy.
You know, there is um, if...
If you have time, there's something
you could help me with.
Yeah.
You sure?
Sure.
So, let me get this straight.
You want to adopt an Alpaca?
Yep.
Mum finds it so hard to get out.
So every year for her birthday,
I go somewhere she might enjoy.
Take her through the video.
She can't get out and about in London.
At least I can bring
a little bit of London to her.
That's a really sweet idea.
So...
Do you mind takin' a video?
Yeah, I'd love to.
Happy birthday, Mum.
So, this year, I'm adopting you an Alpaca.
I really like this guy. His name's Cookie.
And I think he kind
of looks like great-uncle Harry.
What do you think? I think it's the hair.
Minnie likes that one over there,
but he smells a little musty.
Sorry.
Can you remember when you took me
to London Zoo that time?
Oh, I think I was about six or seven.
And we... we saw that penguin fall over
and took his friend down at the same time.
You laughed so hard
and then felt so bad about the laughing.
I remember that day so clearly.
Well, I love you, Mum.
And uh, happy birthday.
It was great.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
See you later.
So what happens now?
Your mum and Cookie become pen pals?
Ooh, Alpaca pals.
Palpacas.
Here you go.
I had fun today.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I... Actually I have to head off.
Yeah.
- I'll see you sometime soon.
- Mm-hmm.
Bye.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
You picked up.
God, I'm so embarrassed!
I've been so stupid.
Maybe I just imagined
this connection between us.
I doubt you imagined it.
So much easier when I didn't like him.
When he was just this annoying, arrogant,
name-stealing Quinn.
I missed you.
I'm sorry,
I didn't handle things well at all.
No, I'm sorry that I've been distant.
I have been meaning to call.
It's taken me a while,
but I can see now how stressed
and depressed I was.
You were right, Minnie,
one of us needed to call it.
Come here.
I just hate failin'.
I spent so much money on that kitchen.
We didn't fail.
We baked a shedload of pies,
we made a lot of people happy.
I'd say that was a great kitchen.
Ah!
Player one returns.
I think we're gonna need more ice cream.
- Hey.
- Have you proposed yet?
No, I was waiting for you guys
to patch things up.
Listen, I need your help.
I have no idea
how she'd want me to do this.
I know exactly
how she'd want you to do it.
Leila, I love you.
And if this is the completely insane idea
of a proposal that you want,
then, well, this is
what you shall have, so...
Leila Jones, would you do me the immense,
immense honor of becoming my wife?
What the bloody fucknuts is all this?
This is how you wanted
to be proposed to.
You know, you told me about it
when you were 16. Remember?
It was a seminal conversation.
When I'm proposed to,
I want it to be this huge,
epic production.
He'll dress as a knight
and ride through the park
on a unicorn,
surrounded by singing animals,
and merpeople,
and all these magical creatures.
A real life fairy tale!
There'll be a picnic
with all my favorite food
and I'll wear a massive Cinderella dress.
The whole Disney fantasy.
I don't remember that.
What?
It... it was a seminal conversation.
She doesn't remember.
Do you know how long it took
for me to make this costume?
You said you wanted
the Disney characters.
The dress.
You specifically mentioned a unicorn.
You did all of this over
some random conversation Minnie remembers?
Yeah, but look, a... a...
Are you gonna marry me or not?
Of course I am, you lunatic!
Oh!
It was a seminal conversation.
It's funny when you think
about love, romance,
marriage, all the effort of it,
when we're all really just blobs
of meat on bone,
stuck on a rock, hurtling round the sun,
towards our inevitable annihilation
and ultimate insignificance.
Mum?
What's wrong?
Tara begged me not to call an ambulance
and I couldn't get through to Quinn.
What are you wearing?
She's calmer now, but she was hysterical
when I called. Can you tell him
that she took some of these?
Um, fine.
Well, I didn't know you two were talking.
Just because you're living with us,
doesn't mean
I need to tell you
all my comings and goings, madam.
You see a house like this,
you think people got it all.
Sometimes it's the icing coverin'
over all the cracks in the cake.
- Where are you going?
- I'm on shift in half hour!
Don't...
- Hi.
- Quinn.
- Connie.
- Hello, Tara.
It's Minnie, I'm Quinn's friend.
Quinn.
Mum.
Oh.
You okay, Mum?
- Oh.
- It's me.
Mum said she took some of these.
I don't know. I...
She just needs to lay down in a dark room
for a few hours.
I'm sorry.
It's alright. It's alright, Mum.
It's alright.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Mum. Don't say sorry.
Please, don't go.
Come on, Mum.
Yourself all worked up again.
Thank you.
I like your mum.
Is that a Mermaid outfit?
Yeah. Uh, look, um, I better go.
Uh, I don't think
they let mythical creatures
on the bus after dark.
Whose go is it?
White.
Check.
Wanna finish the game?
Alright, but if you lose,
you have to help me move house tomorrow.
I would, but...
I never lose.
Ho-ho, who's this little one?
That's Lucky.
I did have two, but well, unlucky died.
I'm worried she's a bit lonely.
Become a bit needy lately.
Started readin' a lot of poetry.
Wow.
Thanks for today.
What are friends for?
Um, listen, I don't suppose
you fancy a drink, do you?
It's a housewarming gift from Leila.
I'm driving, but...
I'm sure one glass wouldn't hurt.
One glass comin' up.
I'm sorry...
about what happened at the farm.
I got scared because usually
I disappoint people,
hurt them, lose them from my life.
What makes you think it would be
the same with me?
Because it's always the same with me.
You do know this whole
tortured loner routine
is a bit out of fashion.
Yeah, the whole "poor me,
I had a tough time",
I don't know how to love."
See, no one actually writes men
like that anymore.
Well, I'm sorry for being such
an outdated character trope.
What about the trope
of the kooky heroine who,
for some reason,
can't see how incredible she is?
How beautiful,
how kind,
funny.
Is this a bad idea?
Not unless it's another palpaca moment.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Minnie.
You in there?
We've come to see your new place,
brought you some essentials.
Your mum's made you a quiche.
Minnie, why are you on the floor?
That carpet won't have been deep cleaned!
Keith, I think she's collapsed,
had a seizure. Knock the door in.
No, no, I'm, uh, fine.
Just stretching from, uh,
from bringing up all the boxes!
We brought loo roll.
There's nothing worse
than being caught short
in an unfamiliar environment.
Oh!
Your father thought we should
check out your new neighborhood.
Not as nice as your last one, is it?
- Well, that bolt, it's not good.
- Hmm.
Hmm, you really need
like a double on that,
a good chain, you know?
There's a lot of good stuff.
I could help you out with that.
Yeah.
Keith.
- Keith.
- Hmm?
- Keith.
- Oh, oh!
I brought you a little
housewarmin' gift, Minnie Moo.
Oh.
Now you'll feel right at home.
- Thanks.
- It's heavy.
- Just leave it.
- Yeah.
Your mother's doing better,
isn't she, Quinn?
I'm tryin' to encourage her
out into the garden.
You're a great influence on her, Connie.
She listens to you.
I have to go. I'm afraid.
It's been lovely to see the both of you.
But you haven't finished your tea yet.
I don't think the tea's
worth staying for, love.
Look, I can get them to leave.
Look, I really need to go.
I'll call you later, yeah?
- You alright?
- Alright, Jonesy?
Glad your mum let you out then.
Don't mind me.
Just hiding from Lemming o'clock
on the dance floor.
Lemming o'clock?
Lemmings all copy each other, don't they?
Everyone kisses the person
standing next to them
at midnight just because
that's what everyone else is doing.
Um, apparently, there are 30
different species of lemmings.
I saw them
on this nature documentary once.
Good knowledge. I love a lemming fact.
Maybe the lemmings were onto something.
Alright, then, everybody.
Here we go!
Though kissing someone
isn't something you should do
just because it's midnight.
Or the beginning of the New Year.
Or because you're dressed as a pirate.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Ugh, I've... I've got to get this.
I'll be just a minute.
Please, don't go anywhere, lemming girl.
Mum!
Quinn, you have to come home.
There's someone breaking into the house.
Mum, there's no one breakin' in. Okay?
There's not.
Can't I just have one night?
I've met a girl.
I think I really like her.
Oh, be careful
who you give your heart to, Quinn.
I don't want to see you get hurt.
Taxi for Hamilton.
Ready?
Come on.
Come on. It's lovely out here.
Now, come on. You can do this.
That's it.
That's it. Just breathe.
Well done.
Come on.
These little fellas need us to plant them.
Come on.
That's it. I've got you.
I've got you, fine.
Yeah, well done! You've gotten out!
Oh, Connie.
Isn't it lovely?
Look at your garden.
Isn't it pretty?
So, love twin's
fully ghosted you then, Minnie?
Yeah, looks that way.
Maybe he really is busy with work.
Or maybe he's gay.
Or maybe he's working undercover
for the Russians.
Happens way more than you think.
Or like he's probably
just a bit of a shit.
Ghosting is so triggering for me.
Now I try to ghost people
before they ghost me.
Let's get cake.
Everything looks better with cake.
I tried to get Minnie into gardening,
but with her luck,
we soon got root rot and blight.
Connie, do you think sometimes
you nurture this idea
of Minnie's bad luck
more than you nurture Minnie?
Just an observation.
Hmm.
Old habits, I guess.
To new habits.
Neither of us is winning
Mother of the Year.
Hmm.
Do you think sometimes
these sticks spend so much time
supporting the tomatoes,
they miss out on their chance
to be sticks?
Oh!
That was so...
When did you last get
a decent night's sleep?
I'm fine, Mum.
I'll be fine.
Just call her.
It's not that simple.
I can't be what she wants me to be.
I think you can.
Now, let me look after you for once.
I'm sorry that I always ask
so much of you.
That I often got it wrong.
Oh, it's alright. It's okay, Mum.
It's okay.
Alright.
Calm down, everyone. Calm down.
Finally, to Minnie,
who took it upon herself
to plan our incredible
fairy tale engagement,
as well as the catering for today.
She's always puttin' herself out
for others,
and I feel so lucky
to call her my best friend.
So let's raise a glass to Minnie.
To Minnie.
To Minnie.
Enjoy your pies, everyone.
You know, this would never have happened
to a Quinn Cooper.
This... this is all Minnie.
Bev, you okay?
Ah, couldn't be better, Minnie.
- You know, I joined Extinction Rebellion.
- Oh!
I spent the weekend chained
to the gates of Parliament,
dressed as a sea cow. Oh!
Come on, time to dance!
I wish Leila would let me book
a cello for this.
This has been the best day.
I want you to be happy.
I am happy.
Happy enough.
If you're still thinking about him,
maybe it's worth the risk.
You never know.
What are you doing here?
Oh, you didn't respond to my card.
It's because I don't wanna see you.
Just give me five minutes, please?
Can I come in?
No, Quinn, you can't come in.
Look, I know I hurt you.
I'm sorry.
My whole life, I...
I've had this crippling fear
of bein' needed.
But with you, Minnie,
I've realized that I'm the one
that needs you.
I... I know I don't deserve
a second chance...
A third chance. No, you don't.
I thought you'd be better off without me.
And maybe you would.
But my feelings for you haven't changed.
I miss you. I really, really miss you.
I said I might screw up again.
But I think I'm in love with you.
As crazy as that might sound.
No, it doesn't sound crazy.
I, um...
I felt the same.
Felt?
Look, things have changed for me, Quinn.
Thanks for coming.
C... can we be friends, at least?
No, I don't think we can.
It's just not worth the risk.
Uh, just... just... one... one second.
I thought Lucky could maybe use a friend.
What's his name?
You can decide.
You know, someone once told me
Quinn was a lucky name.
Doing a lovely job there, Keith.
I miss my old customers.
Poor Mrs. Mentis died last week
and I didn't even know she was ill.
Oh!
You did your best, love.
Not sure I did, though.
I actually had this idea the other day.
How I'd balance the books
if I could do it all again.
So every pie bought by a big business
could buy a pie for someone in need.
Corporate social responsibility.
It's a great idea.
Thanks, but it's about
six months too late.
Is it too late?
I need seed money.
You can't go to investors
unless you've got
a bit of money to put in yourself.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained,
that's what I would say.
Bloody hell, has Mum stopped
taking her cynical pills?
- What?
- Alien body snatchers, that's my theory.
- Keith?
- Yeah?
- I heard that.
- No, you didn't.
I just said how lovely you were
'cause you were so positive.
No, you weren't. You said alien...
You said that my body
is snatched by aliens
because I'm not being cynical.
- No, I love your little alien body.
- I'm allowed change.
Do you remember buying this
for me, Minnie Moo?
First car boot,
spent all your pocket money
buyin' a busted clock for your own dad.
- You fixed it up pretty nicely, too.
- Huh.
It's worth a fair bit now that
I've got it working.
Quite a few of them are.
Are you kidding?
- Does Mum know?
- Does she heck?
She would have made me
sell them years ago.
But if you need this seeding money
for your business plan...
No. No way, Dad, no.
You can't sell the clocks for me.
Listen, I know your mum
always felt like, you know,
someone had it in for her
and you can't change the tide.
It can be hard to let that go.
But with family,
you've always got someone
lookin' out for you.
It's okay to accept a little help
once in a while.
You can't always do it alone.
Once you learn that, you can do anything.
I believe this is the perfect way
for Coke Steel Capital to demonstrate
just how seriously you take
your corporate responsibility.
All of the pies
will be delivered by people
from the local community
who have struggled with unemployment.
This is a sustainable,
economically sound way
of giving something back
and really making a difference.
Plus, they're really bloody tasty.
Very impressive, Miss Cooper.
Thank you.
I could just call him being friendly.
Wish him a happy birthday for tomorrow.
He's not gonna pick up. He'll be out.
- Everyone's out on New Year's Eve.
- Minnie, hi.
Oh, hi.
I'm really glad you called.
I was just calling
to wish you a happy birthday
for tomorrow.
I've been thinking about you
b... because it's...
Because it's New Year's Eve.
Look, Minnie, I'm about to get
on a party boat with some friends.
We're leaving Tower Bridge in one hour.
Why don't you come?
I... I... I... I can't.
Let's just spend
New Year's Eve together.
I'm not asking for anything more.
I can't tonight.
Um, maybe... look, maybe we could
grab breakfast together soon
or something.
You still hiding from the jinx?
No.
Yeah. Um, look,
I was just calling to, um...
I'm in my pajamas.
Okay, well, I'm not sure.
But if that's the case, then...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No phones tonight.
Your mum needs to let you have some fun.
Hello? Hell...
Quinn?
Damn it! What's he not sure about?
That... that he can't deal
with another neurotic woman
in his life that can't leave the house?
I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't go out in my pajamas.
Think, guinea pigs, think!
No. Wrong.
I can decide.
I'm going out.
I'm going out!
The New Year's Eve jinx does not exist!
And he is worth the risk!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Hello. Excuse me, would you let me on?
What?
I just really... Oh, come on, please!
Sorry, folks.
Short delay as we change drivers.
How long's that gonna take?
Bus will be delayed here for ten minutes
while we regulate the service
on this route.
No, no, no, no, no.
C... can we... can we just have a...
An unregulated service?
Shaylene's a stickler
for regulating the service.
Okay, Shaylene, you've seen
Sleepless in Seattle, right?
Where Meg Ryan has to get to the top
of the Empire State Building
to meet Tom Hanks?
Well, I'm Meg Ryan
and the Empire State Building
is Tower Bridge now.
My boat leaves in 15 minutes
and the man I love is on that boat.
If I don't get there,
he's not gonna know that I've changed,
that I'm not the cynical, superstitious,
bitter person I was this time last year!
Now, I know what you're gonna say,
I could give him a call tomorrow,
but I don't wanna start the year
without telling him how I feel.
I am begging you, I cannot lose him again.
You know that sayin',
you can be waiting ages for a bus
and then three come all at once?
Well, that happens
when someone doesn't regulate the service.
I felt that way about someone once.
Roger, moved to Amsterdam.
Never got to tell him how I felt.
Off the bus, Shaylene.
You what?
- I'm pullin' a double.
- Mmm.
This is now a non-stop,
unregulated service to Tower Bridge.
Let's get this lady where she needs to go.
What the hell was that?
You call Roger, Hamish!
Tell him how you feel!
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Oh God, holy shit!
I thought you were a burglar!
The front door was wide open.
I came to check if you were okay.
Yeah, I'm fine. I...
You're supposed to be on a boat!
Well, I didn't go.
Oh.
I came to tell you
that if you wanted to stay in
and hide away from the jinx, then...
I'll stay in and hide away with you.
Oh, what time is it?
- We made it!
- Ha-ha!
Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three,
two, one. Happy New Year!
Happy birthday, Mini Cooper. Like the car.
Happy birthday, name stealer.
Leila has this question
she asks every New Year.
Where do you wanna be this time next year?
Oh, with any luck...
right here with you, by myself.
I don't care where we are...
as long as I'm kissing you...
at lemming o'clock.
Wait.
What did you just say?
At lemming o'clock.
Lemming girl.
It's you.
It was you.
Oh, you were my first kiss.
It was always you.
It was always you.
Always.
Ugh.
Shit.
Oh, hi.
Did you make it out of the house?
Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm... I'm...
I'm at the tube.
Oh!
Good.
And nothing bad's happened?
No fallin' pianos.
No pigeons of the apocalypse.
Not yet.
I'm sure the New Year's Eve jinx
will get me in the end.
Like it does every year.
Okay, well, Minnie,
I'm here preparing your pies,
so you can go have a stress-free night,
celebrate with your boyfriend,
and see in the New Year.
So I say no
to letting the jinx ruin tonight.
Remember, it's only real...
If I let it be real.
Seriously, Leila, in the 16 years
we've been friends,
can you think of one New Year's Eve
that hasn't been
a complete disaster for me?
Do you really think I make this shit up?
- Well, no.
- Exactly!
I swear to you
the universe has it in for me.
I love you.
- Yeah. I love you, too.
- Have fun.
Nothing bad is gonna happen.
Minnie?
No.
Uh, shit.
Oh.
Sorry.
Oh!
Aw! Oh, damn it!
Due to a signal failure
and an incredibly unlikely combination
of other technical failures,
this train will be held in a tunnel
until further notice.
Happy New Year, folks!
Oh
eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one.
Happy New Year!
No, no, no, no, no!
- Oh!
- Oh, no!
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Happy birthday to me.
Pink on the moon
Cracks in the clues
One thing that is crystal clear
Crystal clear
My blood is all diamonds
When I'm with you
Pink on the moon
Cracks in the clues
One thing that is crystal clear
Crystal clear
My blood is all diamonds
When I'm with you
Finally, you are a year late.
Sorry. I... I got stuck.
Um, Greg, you d... you didn't tell me
- it was black tie.
- No one cares.
It's a bourgeois construct, isn't it?
Lucy.
Oh, I look like
such a bloody lemon, though!
So this must be Minnie.
Happy birthday.
Shit, sorry.
Happy birthday.
Greg mentioned
you're a 1st of January baby.
- Just like my boyfriend.
- Thanks.
Um, I'm not really big
into birthdays, though.
So what do you do, Minnie?
Uh, Minnie has her own catering business.
Hi, can I, uh, get a gin tonic
as soon as you got 'em in?
It's not funny.
Yeah. I... I'll be back.
My blood is all diamonds
When I'm with you
Ugh!
At least the night can't get much worse.
Come on, Minnie.
You know, it's only real
if you let it be real.
Why would you say that! Why!
Shit.
Hello? Hello!
Can anyone hear me?
I... I really need some help!
Can someone please go
and find Greg Bevans?
He's a short, angry man.
You can't miss him!
He's the only one not wearing black tie!
Hello?
Is someone there?
Hello?
Oh, thank God!
Can you help me? I... I'm stuck in here.
Oh, right.
So you locked yourself in?
No, the... the door handle broke.
Okay. Well, let me take a run at it.
You better stand well back
I don't want you to get hurt.
Oh, no, I... I think you need
to pull it towards you.
Oh, okay then.
Um... Hi!
Hi.
How long have you been in here?
Not long.
Since just after midnight.
Well, Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
I'm Minnie. I came with Greg.
Ah, funny Greg's girlfriend.
So funny, he went home without me.
What are you still doing here?
I try to see the first sunrise
of every year.
It's a chance to start everything anew.
Oh, it's my least favorite day
of the year.
- I bloody hate it.
- Oh, you can't hate it.
It's my birthday.
Get out of here.
Oh, it's my birthday, too!
Uh. Yeah, I... I don't think
I've ever met anyone
with the same birthday as me,
1st of January.
Oh, I am such an idiot. It's your party.
You must be Lucy's boyfriend.
Yeah, Quinn.
Quinn?
Yeah.
- Quinn Hamilton?
- Yes.
Quinn Hamilton born
in Hampstead Hospital in 1990?
Yeah.
You! You stole my name!
Well, Mrs. Hamilton, at this rate
you're not having this baby tonight.
You need to get up.
Jostle things on a bit.
My money's on you,
having this first '90s baby now, Connie.
Midwife's right.
You gotta get up. Get things moving.
- I can't.
- Hey, you gotta breathe deep.
Like hippo.
None of these prissy little sheep sounds.
Moo!
- Like that, come on.
- Moo!
Oh, my days, that's not your laugh.
What's wrong with my laugh?
Don't make me laugh. Don't make me laugh.
Oh, it's worse.
Oh, I'm, scared Connie.
Well, it's a bit late now, innit?
You're gonna be alright.
Do you know what you're havin'?
Oh, I... it's a boy.
Got a name?
My husband likes Leopold after his uncle.
Do you know what name I've got planned?
Quinn. It's a family name.
My grandma said it held the luck
of the Irish.
Never knew a Quinn
who didn't lead a charmed life.
Girl or boy, this one's gonna be Quinn.
All right, here comes another one.
- Moo!
- Moo!
Moo!
And on a lighter note,
the first baby born
in the capital this year
has been announced.
So what was the name of the lucky chap?
Someone told me Quinn was a lucky name.
He's certainly been lucky so far.
Lucky indeed.
With a cash prize of 50,000,
that certainly gives young Quinn Hamilton
a very good start in life.
And why wouldn't they
just call you "Quinn", too?
You were all over the news.
Plus, I don't think
my mum could stomach it
after missing out on the prize money
by less than a minute.
Well, I think Minnie is a lovely name.
You haven't heard my full name.
Minnie Cooper.
Minnie Cooper like the car?
Wow. That's crazy.
Yep. I actually don't think
my parents noticed
for about two weeks.
You really think I stole your luck
as well as your name?
Well, hearing you say it out loud
makes me sound completely mental,
but yeah, I kind of think you did.
I have always had bad luck
on my birthday.
It's like the day's jinxed for me.
Oh, Minnie!
Minnie, wait for me! Minnie!
This would never have happened
to a Quinn Cooper.
This never would have happened
to a Quinn Cooper
It is not your fault.
Mind you this never would have happened
to a Quinn Cooper.
Yes, I get it!
Well, in that case, allow me
to take you for a birthday breakfast.
Thanks, but I need to shower.
I should probably let my boyfriend know
I'm not dead.
Can I get your number at least?
- Don't you have a girlfriend?
- It's only breakfast,
and it's not every day that you get
to meet your birthday twin.
So you can find me online
if you really want to.
Well, happy birthday, Minnie Cooper,
like the car.
Happy birthday, name stealer.
Morning, Lucky.
How was your night?
My favorite pet, sweetie.
Pbbt.
Good morning, Fleur.
Happy New Year.
What are you looking so happy about?
It's the 2nd of January, isn't it?
The day farthest away from my birthday.
Therefore, the best day of the year.
Nothing bad ever happens
on the 2nd of January.
I did notice though that the van is parked
on a double yellow line.
Is this leek milk?
I'm doing a leak-based diet this month.
Right. No, that's just uh, milk milk.
And can you move the van?
There's an amnesty on parking
when it's a bank holiday.
There's no amnesty
and it's not a bank holiday,
so...
What's that... what's that smell?
Oh, yeah, there's been a disaster.
Beverly burnt the pies.
Me and the new ovens
haven't been gettin' along.
We have a timer, Bev!
The pies take exactly 42 minutes!
Me and the timer
haven't been gettin' along.
Oh!
I'm so sorry, Minnie.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
One minute I'm thinkin'
about pies and pastry,
the next I'm frettin' about
the futility of existence.
Like what's the point?
We're all gonna die anyway.
Yeah, she zoomed too far out
on Google Maps.
Now she can't get back.
You know, the shamanic healer I saw in LA,
had an existential crisis just like this.
Fleur, can you remind me
what it is we pay you to do?
Answer the phones, organize deliveries,
be the sexy youthful face
of the organization.
So since the phone's not ringing
and we have no pies to deliver,
could you please move the van?
I'm so sorry, Minnie.
What the fuck is happenin' in here?
Yeah, Bev, burnt the pies.
Look at the waste!
Do you not know the price
of butter right now?
This is the last thing I need!
I'm sorry. It's these new ovens.
Don't you dare blame the ovens!
Okay, let's just not argue
about ovens again, please.
Can we just focus on getting 40 new pies
baked and delivered by the end of the day?
I'll move the van.
I... I'm sorry,
but I need to get to the bank.
Oh, I'm sorry, I promise we'll fix it.
Oh, bugger off!
Not you. Greg.
Can you believe he abandons me
in a club on New Year's Eve
and now I'm the one getting arsey messages
about where I got to?
I think you're due an upgrade
on your boyfriend baggage.
Agreed, you could do
with better customer care.
Or free roaming at least.
- Right, I'm off.
- Wanna take Fleur with you?
No. I take care of the finances,
you lot take care of the bakin'.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Van's been clamped.
Uh. well...
Ugh! Who else has got a spare set
of wheels we can borrow?
Doesn't Greg have a car?
No way.
Someone's finally emerged
from their sick bed, have they?
How's the migraine?
It's better, thank you.
Supposed to be brought on by sleeping
on a cold bathroom floor all night
because no one came to find me.
How was I meant to know
you were stuck?
I don't have a radar.
Like, "Boop, boop. Where's Minnie?"
Boop, boop. Minnie not located.
Must find Minnie.
Ting, ting, ting. Minnie found.
Target acquired. I'm radar.
Robo... I'm a robot.
Well, if you just
kept your phone fully charged,
then you wouldn't have to sleep
in a toilet.
Hmm, thank you, that's...
That's a great idea, Greg.
Now listen, um, I kind of need
to borrow your car.
Boop, boop. Negative.
Car not allowed for Minnie.
Boop, boop, boop, ding, ding, ding.
- Okay, okay.
- Boop, boop.
No more booping, please!
- Ting, ting.
- God, just stop!
- Ding, ding, ding.
- Greg, okay, just stop!
Listen.
Hello?
Boop, boop.
Hey, hey, look, if...
If you give me the car,
I swear I will make it up to you tonight.
Yeah, I might even dress up
as a sexy dental nurse again.
Yeah, I know how you love it
when I talk dirty to you
about your flossing schedule.
Yeah, I might even buy you
that special pink mouthwash.
Minnie?
Greg?
No, um, Quinn.
Pardon?
Quinn Hamilton?
Oh my God!
Hi. I don't...
I don't... I don't actually...
I don't actually know
how that happened.
Uh, you need to borrow a car?
Uh, no. No, I'm good.
Uh, yes, no. Yes, I do.
I do need to borrow a car.
Well, I have a car you could borrow.
That is nice of you,
but my boyfriend has a car.
Well, if you borrow my car,
you won't need to pick up
that special pink mouthwash,
as fun as that sounds.
Oh, Jesus.
Don't stand there like salivating dogs,
do something.
Hi.
- Hi!
- Hi!
One car, yours for the day.
Yes, I actually don't think
I should drive that.
People will die.
I'm Quinn.
Hi, I'm Leila. Thanks for helpin' us out.
Pleasure.
I'm Fleur, I'm a Sagittarius,
I get easily excited.
I'll go and guard the car.
It's... isn't a great area.
Someone stole the bus stop last week.
Oi, you, touch that car
and you're goin' in a pie!
Should I grab some boxes?
Uh, yeah, sure.
So how come you drive
such a ridiculously fancy car?
You a spy or something?
No, I'm a management consultant.
Oh my God, that is exactly
what a spy would say!
Wow! Where to first?
Okay, today's deliveries are
Newnham Centre,
- four pies.
- Mm-hmm.
Then we go to Stratford Community Centre,
three pies.
Tottenham Social Centre, four pies.
Edmonton Community Centre, three pies.
Buckhurst Hill Community,
love it there, two pies.
Uh, Forest Gate Social Centre, five pies.
God's Own Social Centre, two pies.
All Souls Clubhouse, three pies.
East London Social Centre,
finishing it all up
with 14 pies.
- You okay?
- That's a lot of pies.
- That's a lot of pies.
- That's a lot of pies.
Hello!
Oh, Minnie!
We haven't seen you
on deliveries in a while.
Who's this fella then?
This is Quinn.
He's helping out for the day.
We have so many extra visitors on pie day.
Everyone loves your pies.
Only decent hot meals
some of them can afford.
Come on.
How you been, Mrs. Mentis?
Your bunions any better?
Oh, I can't complain, but I do.
Everyone needs a hobby, don't they?
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sure my Philip
would have lived a little longer
if only he'd had more to complain about.
Right, Quince,
if you could just put those pies
straight into the fridge.
No problem.
Is this the boyfriend Fleur mentioned?
Oh, he's, um, he's not my boyfriend.
Well, I've got a strapping chap
like you in the building,
could you take a look
at a blocked air vent?
I'm doin' the ladies hair
next door and it's awful stuffy.
Lead the way.
Thanks.
Okay, Shirley, no cheating this time.
Seventeen. Where's my dancing queen?
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
I'm sorry, the cat was beyond
the call of duty.
I can't believe how savage they are.
I mean I... I almost lost an arm.
It's amazing what you do for these people.
Nobel Prize-winning stuff,
pastry for pensioners.
And you're a lifeline to them.
And people need that connection
in their day,
someone to pop in, check they're okay.
It's kind of wonderful.
Not that brilliant.
Not financially anyway.
Well, you need to start charging
for cat collarin'.
Oh, you want to kiss it better.
I uh...
I don't suppose you fancy
a fortune cookie, do you?
I... I deliver one with every pie.
Always strangely accurate,
like the universe knows exactly
what to say.
Oh!
You will meet a relatively
helpful stranger who's terrible
at washing up
and embarrassingly afraid of cats.
Can we get some real food now?
Well, lucky for you, Quinn Hamilton,
there's one large pie left.
Now if it's okay with you,
I know someone who would love
to share this with us.
Bloody hell.
Is this where you grew up?
It is.
Though I saw it from a mile away,
but this feels like a different planet.
Hello?
- Someone there?
- Mum.
Quinn.
I've, uh, brought someone to see you.
Quinn, I wasn't expecting you.
Look at the state of me,
I'm not fit for house calls.
You look great, Mum.
Uh, this is Minnie.
Hello.
The one that should have been
called Quinn.
Minnie.
Minnie, gosh, aren't you pretty?
Um, uh, we brought you a pie.
Oh. Thank you.
I thought of your mother
many times over the years.
She helped me a great deal.
She told me.
She, uh, also mentioned you took the name
she had planned for me.
No, no, that's not how it was.
I meant it as a tribute to her after the...
All the help she gave me.
I tried to find her afterwards,
to thank her,
the hospital wouldn't give me her details.
Mum, you cannot get to her like that, Mum.
I never wanted to be in the paper,
I didn't ask for that silly prize money.
It's okay, Mum. It's okay.
If only I could see her and explain.
Well, uh, wouldn't worry about it.
It was a long time ago.
Why don't I get her to give you a call?
I'm sure she'll tell you
it's all forgotten.
Would you? Would you really?
Should we, uh, go through, Mum?
Yes. Yes.
Thank you.
Who is it that plays chess around here?
Oh, that's Quinn. Plays against himself.
Makes a move every time he's here.
County champion when he was eight.
I think I had this t-shirt.
We really could have been twins.
I really don't think
Minnie wants to see this.
Let's put this in the oven, shall we?
Minnie is the most incredible chef.
People love her pies.
Oh, I'm sorry,
I need to take this. do you mind?
Oh, of course, take your time.
Hello. Yeah, how's it going?
What?
Oh, come on, Leila,
can't you ask him to do something?
- Darling, did you pick up my pills?
- Yeah.
No, Leila, it's not alright!
Yeah.
Yeah, alright, I'll speak to you later.
Is everything okay?
No, it's not okay.
The bank won't extend our loan,
which basically means
our business is bust.
Well, surely there's a way.
New investors, a bridging loan.
Look, Quinn,
I really appreciate your help today,
but you don't know anything
about my situation.
I doubt you've ever had
financial difficulties.
I mean look at this place.
- I'm...
- Don't touch it, don't touch it.
- Mum.
- You might cut yourself.
Quinn, there's broken glass.
Don't let her touch it!
You'll cut yourself.
- It's fine, Mum.
- You'll cut yourself.
Well,
no one's gonna touch it, Mum.
- Please I think it's best you just leave.
- She might cut herself.
Sorry.
Come on, let's get you upstairs.
Quinn, it's Dad, I'm sorry
it's taken me a while.
Okay, a4 to c3.
Now I realize
that leaves my bishop wide open.
Listen, I know I said
we'd finish the game in person,
but it looks like I'm not going
to be back from New York
until Easter now.
I'm really sorry, son, but I...
I hope you're looking after your mother.
Remember, you are the man
of the house now.
Oh, and a happy birthday.
Uh, we're at Elaine's family's
for the holidays,
so nowhere near a post office
unfortunately,
but I will bring you something
back on my...
So you're ready to come back
to the dark side?
Won't be for long, Dad.
Oh, don't worry, you'll always have
a room here, Minnie Moo, always.
What are you gonna do
with all your clocks then?
Don't worry about me,
I've still got my workshop.
Dinner's ready!
Quieter out there anyway.
You're a foolhardy dreamer,
just like your father.
Running businesses is not our world.
The system's set up so the rich get richer
and the poor get screwed.
Oh, there's no need
to be so hard on her,
it's bad luck is all and tough climate.
Oh, wait a second,
I've just got to set that recorder
for Bake Off.
It's pie week, Minnie Moo.
You risk, you lose,
that's what I've learnt in this life.
You think I wanted to be
a broke, unemployed loser
moving home in my thirties?
It's just hard for a mother
to watch her child struggle.
And you seem to struggle more than most.
Never guess who I got introduced
to the other day.
Tara Hamilton.
I don't wanna hear that woman's name.
Apparently, you got this whole
name stealing thing wrong.
I have no interest
in dredging up the past.
Well, I'll get you the number,
just in case
you change your mind.
Tara bleeding Hamilton.
You'll be fine.
There are a million restaurants out there.
Do you know how many fussy, snobby,
testosterone-fuelled kitchens
I've worked in?
I'm not going back to that.
It sounds like Leila's fault.
I mean, you were in charge of the baking,
she was in charge of the finances.
You ran out of money, not dough.
It's quite funny.
Um, voice note, little joke,
uh, money, dough,
pun pertaining to baking.
It wasn't her fault.
You said she spent a fortune on new ovens
and the old ones are fine.
Yeah, well, they were temperamental.
Look, you need to get more product
out there in less time.
It's simple business dynamics,
you dump, you run.
Greg, I'm not gonna dump and run.
The whole thing is about
valuable human interaction.
Exactly, valuable. Monetize it.
Look, I don't suppose
you're going to help me
move the last of my furniture into storage
this weekend, could you?
- Minnie.
- Please. Please.
Look, Minnie,
I don't wanna sound like a twat,
but I can't expend any more energy
on your dramas right now.
My dramas?
God, I'm so sorry, Greg,
I didn't realize my life was
so exhausting for you.
It's okay.
I appreciate that, but hey, it's okay.
I'm gonna go for a run,
get my endorphins pumping,
get my sweat on.
Um, you're resourceful,
you're plucky, you'll be fine.
Ciao, bella.
Ciao, bella?
What the fuck?
The conga!
What the hell is going on?
Minnie, you would not believe it.
It's a Christmas miracle,
just not at Christmas.
We've had a huge pie order,
all paid up front.
Oh, yes!
Bigger than the multiple orgasm
I had with Harry Styles
in his yacht in Mexico.
Uh, who from?
Who cares? We're in the money!
I don't think we should be dancing,
we should be baking.
There's always time for dancing.
Bev!
What did you do that for?
- What a mess!
- Fleur did it, too!
Money is fine to throw
in the air, everyone knows that.
Not flour, Bev.
- Hello!
- Hi!
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
You ordered 200 pies?
Uh, are you completely insane?
And I guess we'll pick this up
first thing Monday morning.
Thank you.
Welcome, Minnie.
I don't need you to bail me out, Quinn.
I'm not some charity case.
I really like the pies.
And I thought my colleagues and clients
would like them, too.
Massively undercharging, by the way.
Hmm. Well, luckily,
I didn't set up my business
so I can feed rich city boys lunch.
You know what makes you walk
slightly off center?
What does?
That massive chip you keep
carrying around on your shoulder.
Look, your pies are good,
you clearly have a market,
but you're not makin' any money.
You need to diversify your client base
and raise the prices.
That is unbelievably sweet of you,
but I don't need you to
management consultancy me.
I'm not some damsel in distress looking
for a knight with a shining,
bleeding credit card!
You have a chef that burns the pies,
a driver that loses the van,
an MD too stubborn to compromise,
even if it means losing her business.
I usually charge 500 an hour.
You can have that summation for free.
Thanks, but I'm not sure I need advice
from a spoiled public schoolboy
whose trust fund probably
bought him this business.
You have no idea about my life,
and this whole hard done
by working-class routine
is deeply unattractive.
I don't need you to find me attractive.
Stop talking, Fleur, we're leaving!
It's like he's your sexy nemesis
or somethin'.
Who's sexy?
Minnie's love twin.
He's not my love twin!
Oh God, I was so horrible!
I don't know what came over me.
Well, I'm glad he's got money to burn,
he bought us time.
Right, I'm off to see the bank man again.
Want me to come?
Will you tell him you put our prices up
and use cheaper ingredients?
Then no.
Quick game?
Yeah, why not?
Ooh! Ian, you've not been practicing.
Yeah, I know. I get you next time.
So, I'm gonna ask Leila to marry me.
What?
- Yeah.
- Do you have a ring?
Yeah.
Oh my God, I know exactly
how you need to do it!
And, I wanted to ask you something.
I know it's not my place,
and I hate to put you on the spot,
but would you consider giving up
the business?
What?
It's killing her, Min, okay?
She's so stressed all the time.
And this latest order,
it's just a Band-Aid
on a much bigger problem.
Well, we've made it work for four years.
Yeah, because you work
nearly every single hour
of every single day,
and because you pay yourselves
basically nothing.
When was the last time
you looked at the accounts?
Did she even tell you
that she'd been offered a job
at a fashion start-up?
No.
She takes it on all herself.
And she just hates the idea
of letting you down.
I'm not saying this
to be a shit-stirrer, Min.
I really... I'm not, but...
It's like you know,
when Sonic the Hedgehog
goes into invincibility mode?
You know, the music goes all up-tempo,
and he's in his little bubble,
and he's knocking everything
out of the park.
Yes.
Okay, so, I wanna be
her invincibility mode.
I wanna shield her from the bad stuff.
I love her,
and I hate seeing her like this.
I don't know.
Everything's such a mess right now.
Well, when life gets glitchy,
maybe you just need to press reset.
I just... I don't understand why.
You're never gonna champion
my invincibility bubble, Greg.
Is this about me not helping you move,
'cause I can contribute
to the cost of a man with a van.
I hope we can stay friends.
Well, friendly acquaintances. Ciao.
I just got nominated
for young journalist of the year.
Do you really think
you're gonna do better than me?
Don't think you're using
my Peloton bike anymore.
Or my Netflix login.
And you can unfollow me on Strava!
Humble pie?
I wanted to say I'm sorry for screaming
at you the other day like a crazed banshee
in front of your colleagues.
Well, I'm sorry for trying
to be your knight
with a shiny credit card.
Are you drunk?
Hopefully.
Wow!
Your pastries are positively
the most perfect thing
I've ever tasted.
Thanks, um, so, sorry, wh...
Why are you drinking alone in your office?
Lucy dumped me, which I expected.
And she posted a song about it,
which I didn't.
At least she doesn't mention your name.
Wow! Uh, who does that?
Apparently, break-up videos
are a thing now.
How about you?
Funny Greg still tickling your funny bone?
No, I broke up with him.
Wasn't gonna do a break-up video, though.
What happened?
Well, I realized...
I have to be with someone
who wants all of me,
not just the parts that suit them.
Someone who'll be there
for me when I need them
and who makes me feel like
there's no one else
in the world I'd rather be with.
Guess I wanna find my soulmate.
You do know how unlikely that is.
That you'll find that one person
who's destined for you.
Not everything's about statistics.
Some people have other commitments.
You can't always be there.
I think you can be, for the right person.
Anyway, um, your turn.
Spill your guts, Hamilton.
You know, I...
I've never ended a relationship.
I just disengage.
It's like drivin' a car.
You just take both hands
off the steering wheel.
It's just a matter of time.
Hello?
Yeah, one second.
Shit!
You alright?
My Tinder date's outside.
Oh, um...
I can tell her to go.
Oh, God, no, I mean, uh,
don't... don't... don't do that.
Um, whiskey and Tinder, though,
great combo.
Really good for rebounding.
Not... not that
you're rebounding necessarily.
It's just, uh, I mean that...
That... that... that... she...
She could be your soulmate,
standing outside for... for we... no?
I'll be right down.
So beneath that spiky exterior,
Minnie Cooper, like the car,
is really just a diehard romantic
searching for a soulmate.
I really regret telling you that.
Well, I'm glad you did.
Do I smell like whiskey?
Only, um, like you bathed in it.
Bollocks.
"You will overcome
difficult times."
Hey.
You wanted to talk?
Yeah.
I've been going through the accounts.
When were you going to tell me?
What?
Just how much of your own money
you've put in to keep us afloat?
It was just a loan to cover the shortfall.
You might never get it back.
Babe, you know, I would never have agreed
to you risking your life savings.
I believe in doing what it takes.
Unlike you, hardly compromising.
Okay, well, I've done the maths.
If we give our notice now,
we can get out of our lease
for the rest of the year.
We sell the equipment, we sell the van,
I can give you back everything you put in.
No!
Leila! Look at you, you're exhausted.
Let's just pull the plug while we can.
You wanna to throw away
everything we've built?
Uh, well, it's not like we haven't tried.
Trust me, we can turn this around.
Some things just aren't meant to be.
Oh, yeah, Minnie Cooper
School of Business,
where you find your answer
in a fucking fortune cookie.
- Okay.
- If you do this, I will never forgive you.
And don't think I'm gonna be here
to help build your next dream.
Or to listen to you complain
about not having made anything
of your sad little life.
Hey, I like my sad little life!
And you did spend too much on the ovens!
I don't think she took that very well.
Fuck!
Just call her.
We ain't the bleeding Kardashians.
No one's invested in this
decades-long grudge match
except you women.
Connie Cooper.
You look just the same as I remember you.
You look less sweaty, less pregnant.
Won't you come in?
So which part of this
did my prize money buy?
Shall we have tea?
I'll make us a pot
of Earl Grey with lemon.
I find it takes the bitterness out.
You didn't have any more then?
After your boy?
No, I... I was pregnant twice.
But... my husband said I shouldn't be
so upset about it.
That they weren't real babies yet.
No one has the right
to tell you how upset to be.
With the second, I fell in the bathroom.
I went into labor at six months.
I was here, alone.
Lost a lot of blood.
You know whose voice it was I heard
when I was half delusional?
Yours, telling me to breathe like a hippo.
I did try and find you.
I only gave him that name
because I wanted...
You don't need to explain.
I shouldn't have been so upset about it.
Everyone told me not to.
It was the final straw
in a run at bad luck.
Oh.
You got enough cans?
Corner shop had a sale on cans.
One man's best before date's
another man's dinner.
Everything's goin' up,
I don't know how we're supposed
to make things stretch.
Oh. Leila will come round, love.
Don't know if she will, though.
Never thought like this before.
These things have a way
of workin' themselves out.
I didn't speak to your father
for three weeks
after one of his failed ventures.
But you get past it. You have to.
Oh, you need to
look after yourself, Minnie.
What did you do for fun
before you worked every other day?
Is that Minnie?
- Hello, stranger.
- Hello.
I brought you a little food
from the outside world.
Oh my God.
Come on in.
Excuse me, that's my towel.
Oh, it's you. What are you doing here?
I mean, I was swimming.
Now I'm getting told off by you again.
Well, that's my towel.
You mean this towel?
Not a chance, got mine all wet.
I'll take
your nice, dry one. Thanks.
So is this just like a standard
Sunday morning activity for you?
- Stealing towels from hapless swimmers?
- Every Sunday.
So do you think you could take a break
from your stealing spree
and maybe grab some breakfast with me?
I could do breakfast.
At least until
your next Tinder date turns up.
Ouch.
Hello.
Oh.
So, uh, how's business going?
We had to close.
Sorry.
Let's not talk about work.
You'll probably start tryin'
to charge me an hourly rate
for your insights.
Fine.
I don't want to unleash
angry Minnie again.
I mean not now that we're friends.
Oh, we're friends, are we?
I can't believe
you love Star Wars.
What, because I'm a girl?
No, because you can't love it
if you lose Han Solo over Luke.
It's Luke's story!
It starts with him and it ends with him.
Well, Luke's the heart,
but Han Solo's the soul.
I mean without Han Solo,
you don't get Chewbacca.
You don't get the love story with Leia.
You don't get...
Cheers.
Whoa.
What? Get back here!
Get back here, you!
- No way!
- So you just meet up to swim?
No snogging?
No underwater groping?
No, we just swim, and talk,
and have coffee on the heath.
So have you shagged her yet?
No, we're just friends.
- You don't have friends who are girls.
- I have.
I've had friends who are girls.
Name one.
Sophie Ridgway, 6'4".
I was friends with her.
Yeah, before you shagged her.
Oh.
I know that face.
I invented that face.
Trust me, I'm not his type.
And you know, even if I was,
I have zero interest
in jumping into anything right now.
Why do men have to catch up playing sport?
I feel like women get to
catch up over a relaxing coffee.
Possibly pastries.
Jonesy, you suggested tennis.
Oh.
So what's wrong with this Minnie chick?
Nothing.
I mean it's great. She's smart.
She's funny.
I really like her.
Being single is like my boat
on this still lake
with no one else's shit to unsettle me.
And I can talk to her about stuff.
Real stuff.
Like we chat for hours,
but it feels like no time at all.
Sonia talks to me for five minutes,
it feels like hours.
You can bob around
on boring lakes when you're 50.
Right now you need
to get that tight little boat
of yours back on the high seas.
Ride some sexy waves.
Look, if I cross the line, I'll ruin it.
I always ruin it.
That's true.
Sonia thinks you should do therapy.
She also thinks we should have
a threesomes. Did I mention that?
I'm happy with things the way they are.
You're just saying that.
You like him, he's friend-zoned you.
Red flag, red flag, big fucking red flag.
I know you're secretly hoping for more.
She'll be secretly hoping for more.
Women are always secretly hoping for more.
I'm not hoping for more.
Why can't I be friends with a funny...
- Oh!
- Sweet...
Thoughtful, intelligent, handsome guy?
Without...
Whoa!
Oh. Fuck.
Without everyone assuming
I'm hoping for more.
So should I tell Sonia
it's a no to the threesome?
Sex ruins relationships.
Come on.
- Look at the state of you.
- Otherwise pretty even match.
Have you spoken to Leila?
I tried, but I don't think
she can forgive me
for pulling the plug.
I can't compute you guys
not being friends.
Well, just as well I have
my new swimming friend.
If you're not repulsed by the idea
of licking his ball sack,
then he's not your friend.
Morning.
- Would you fancy a lick?
- Sorry, what?
Um, no, I'm good.
Thanks.
Uh, what were we talking about?
- My mum.
- Right.
Um, has she always had such
difficult time?
Well, she's always suffered with anxiety.
Dad left.
Got ten times worse.
She struggled leavin' the house.
Petrified of intruders.
Tried therapists, doctors, carers.
She only wants me.
Nah, you know, I shouldn't complain.
People have much bigger problems.
You know, once I said, "Enough",
"I'm not coming."
I found her at the bottom of the staircase
with a fractured ankle.
All because I left her at home, alone.
What kind of monster does that make me?
I... I'm... I'm sorry.
You really don't need to hear all this.
Don't be daft. I want to.
Look, I'm sorry I was such a dick to you
when we first met,
assuming your life must be...
easy.
You know, there is um, if...
If you have time, there's something
you could help me with.
Yeah.
You sure?
Sure.
So, let me get this straight.
You want to adopt an Alpaca?
Yep.
Mum finds it so hard to get out.
So every year for her birthday,
I go somewhere she might enjoy.
Take her through the video.
She can't get out and about in London.
At least I can bring
a little bit of London to her.
That's a really sweet idea.
So...
Do you mind takin' a video?
Yeah, I'd love to.
Happy birthday, Mum.
So, this year, I'm adopting you an Alpaca.
I really like this guy. His name's Cookie.
And I think he kind
of looks like great-uncle Harry.
What do you think? I think it's the hair.
Minnie likes that one over there,
but he smells a little musty.
Sorry.
Can you remember when you took me
to London Zoo that time?
Oh, I think I was about six or seven.
And we... we saw that penguin fall over
and took his friend down at the same time.
You laughed so hard
and then felt so bad about the laughing.
I remember that day so clearly.
Well, I love you, Mum.
And uh, happy birthday.
It was great.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
See you later.
So what happens now?
Your mum and Cookie become pen pals?
Ooh, Alpaca pals.
Palpacas.
Here you go.
I had fun today.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I... Actually I have to head off.
Yeah.
- I'll see you sometime soon.
- Mm-hmm.
Bye.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
You picked up.
God, I'm so embarrassed!
I've been so stupid.
Maybe I just imagined
this connection between us.
I doubt you imagined it.
So much easier when I didn't like him.
When he was just this annoying, arrogant,
name-stealing Quinn.
I missed you.
I'm sorry,
I didn't handle things well at all.
No, I'm sorry that I've been distant.
I have been meaning to call.
It's taken me a while,
but I can see now how stressed
and depressed I was.
You were right, Minnie,
one of us needed to call it.
Come here.
I just hate failin'.
I spent so much money on that kitchen.
We didn't fail.
We baked a shedload of pies,
we made a lot of people happy.
I'd say that was a great kitchen.
Ah!
Player one returns.
I think we're gonna need more ice cream.
- Hey.
- Have you proposed yet?
No, I was waiting for you guys
to patch things up.
Listen, I need your help.
I have no idea
how she'd want me to do this.
I know exactly
how she'd want you to do it.
Leila, I love you.
And if this is the completely insane idea
of a proposal that you want,
then, well, this is
what you shall have, so...
Leila Jones, would you do me the immense,
immense honor of becoming my wife?
What the bloody fucknuts is all this?
This is how you wanted
to be proposed to.
You know, you told me about it
when you were 16. Remember?
It was a seminal conversation.
When I'm proposed to,
I want it to be this huge,
epic production.
He'll dress as a knight
and ride through the park
on a unicorn,
surrounded by singing animals,
and merpeople,
and all these magical creatures.
A real life fairy tale!
There'll be a picnic
with all my favorite food
and I'll wear a massive Cinderella dress.
The whole Disney fantasy.
I don't remember that.
What?
It... it was a seminal conversation.
She doesn't remember.
Do you know how long it took
for me to make this costume?
You said you wanted
the Disney characters.
The dress.
You specifically mentioned a unicorn.
You did all of this over
some random conversation Minnie remembers?
Yeah, but look, a... a...
Are you gonna marry me or not?
Of course I am, you lunatic!
Oh!
It was a seminal conversation.
It's funny when you think
about love, romance,
marriage, all the effort of it,
when we're all really just blobs
of meat on bone,
stuck on a rock, hurtling round the sun,
towards our inevitable annihilation
and ultimate insignificance.
Mum?
What's wrong?
Tara begged me not to call an ambulance
and I couldn't get through to Quinn.
What are you wearing?
She's calmer now, but she was hysterical
when I called. Can you tell him
that she took some of these?
Um, fine.
Well, I didn't know you two were talking.
Just because you're living with us,
doesn't mean
I need to tell you
all my comings and goings, madam.
You see a house like this,
you think people got it all.
Sometimes it's the icing coverin'
over all the cracks in the cake.
- Where are you going?
- I'm on shift in half hour!
Don't...
- Hi.
- Quinn.
- Connie.
- Hello, Tara.
It's Minnie, I'm Quinn's friend.
Quinn.
Mum.
Oh.
You okay, Mum?
- Oh.
- It's me.
Mum said she took some of these.
I don't know. I...
She just needs to lay down in a dark room
for a few hours.
I'm sorry.
It's alright. It's alright, Mum.
It's alright.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, Mum. Don't say sorry.
Please, don't go.
Come on, Mum.
Yourself all worked up again.
Thank you.
I like your mum.
Is that a Mermaid outfit?
Yeah. Uh, look, um, I better go.
Uh, I don't think
they let mythical creatures
on the bus after dark.
Whose go is it?
White.
Check.
Wanna finish the game?
Alright, but if you lose,
you have to help me move house tomorrow.
I would, but...
I never lose.
Ho-ho, who's this little one?
That's Lucky.
I did have two, but well, unlucky died.
I'm worried she's a bit lonely.
Become a bit needy lately.
Started readin' a lot of poetry.
Wow.
Thanks for today.
What are friends for?
Um, listen, I don't suppose
you fancy a drink, do you?
It's a housewarming gift from Leila.
I'm driving, but...
I'm sure one glass wouldn't hurt.
One glass comin' up.
I'm sorry...
about what happened at the farm.
I got scared because usually
I disappoint people,
hurt them, lose them from my life.
What makes you think it would be
the same with me?
Because it's always the same with me.
You do know this whole
tortured loner routine
is a bit out of fashion.
Yeah, the whole "poor me,
I had a tough time",
I don't know how to love."
See, no one actually writes men
like that anymore.
Well, I'm sorry for being such
an outdated character trope.
What about the trope
of the kooky heroine who,
for some reason,
can't see how incredible she is?
How beautiful,
how kind,
funny.
Is this a bad idea?
Not unless it's another palpaca moment.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Minnie.
You in there?
We've come to see your new place,
brought you some essentials.
Your mum's made you a quiche.
Minnie, why are you on the floor?
That carpet won't have been deep cleaned!
Keith, I think she's collapsed,
had a seizure. Knock the door in.
No, no, I'm, uh, fine.
Just stretching from, uh,
from bringing up all the boxes!
We brought loo roll.
There's nothing worse
than being caught short
in an unfamiliar environment.
Oh!
Your father thought we should
check out your new neighborhood.
Not as nice as your last one, is it?
- Well, that bolt, it's not good.
- Hmm.
Hmm, you really need
like a double on that,
a good chain, you know?
There's a lot of good stuff.
I could help you out with that.
Yeah.
Keith.
- Keith.
- Hmm?
- Keith.
- Oh, oh!
I brought you a little
housewarmin' gift, Minnie Moo.
Oh.
Now you'll feel right at home.
- Thanks.
- It's heavy.
- Just leave it.
- Yeah.
Your mother's doing better,
isn't she, Quinn?
I'm tryin' to encourage her
out into the garden.
You're a great influence on her, Connie.
She listens to you.
I have to go. I'm afraid.
It's been lovely to see the both of you.
But you haven't finished your tea yet.
I don't think the tea's
worth staying for, love.
Look, I can get them to leave.
Look, I really need to go.
I'll call you later, yeah?
- You alright?
- Alright, Jonesy?
Glad your mum let you out then.
Don't mind me.
Just hiding from Lemming o'clock
on the dance floor.
Lemming o'clock?
Lemmings all copy each other, don't they?
Everyone kisses the person
standing next to them
at midnight just because
that's what everyone else is doing.
Um, apparently, there are 30
different species of lemmings.
I saw them
on this nature documentary once.
Good knowledge. I love a lemming fact.
Maybe the lemmings were onto something.
Alright, then, everybody.
Here we go!
Though kissing someone
isn't something you should do
just because it's midnight.
Or the beginning of the New Year.
Or because you're dressed as a pirate.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Ugh, I've... I've got to get this.
I'll be just a minute.
Please, don't go anywhere, lemming girl.
Mum!
Quinn, you have to come home.
There's someone breaking into the house.
Mum, there's no one breakin' in. Okay?
There's not.
Can't I just have one night?
I've met a girl.
I think I really like her.
Oh, be careful
who you give your heart to, Quinn.
I don't want to see you get hurt.
Taxi for Hamilton.
Ready?
Come on.
Come on. It's lovely out here.
Now, come on. You can do this.
That's it.
That's it. Just breathe.
Well done.
Come on.
These little fellas need us to plant them.
Come on.
That's it. I've got you.
I've got you, fine.
Yeah, well done! You've gotten out!
Oh, Connie.
Isn't it lovely?
Look at your garden.
Isn't it pretty?
So, love twin's
fully ghosted you then, Minnie?
Yeah, looks that way.
Maybe he really is busy with work.
Or maybe he's gay.
Or maybe he's working undercover
for the Russians.
Happens way more than you think.
Or like he's probably
just a bit of a shit.
Ghosting is so triggering for me.
Now I try to ghost people
before they ghost me.
Let's get cake.
Everything looks better with cake.
I tried to get Minnie into gardening,
but with her luck,
we soon got root rot and blight.
Connie, do you think sometimes
you nurture this idea
of Minnie's bad luck
more than you nurture Minnie?
Just an observation.
Hmm.
Old habits, I guess.
To new habits.
Neither of us is winning
Mother of the Year.
Hmm.
Do you think sometimes
these sticks spend so much time
supporting the tomatoes,
they miss out on their chance
to be sticks?
Oh!
That was so...
When did you last get
a decent night's sleep?
I'm fine, Mum.
I'll be fine.
Just call her.
It's not that simple.
I can't be what she wants me to be.
I think you can.
Now, let me look after you for once.
I'm sorry that I always ask
so much of you.
That I often got it wrong.
Oh, it's alright. It's okay, Mum.
It's okay.
Alright.
Calm down, everyone. Calm down.
Finally, to Minnie,
who took it upon herself
to plan our incredible
fairy tale engagement,
as well as the catering for today.
She's always puttin' herself out
for others,
and I feel so lucky
to call her my best friend.
So let's raise a glass to Minnie.
To Minnie.
To Minnie.
Enjoy your pies, everyone.
You know, this would never have happened
to a Quinn Cooper.
This... this is all Minnie.
Bev, you okay?
Ah, couldn't be better, Minnie.
- You know, I joined Extinction Rebellion.
- Oh!
I spent the weekend chained
to the gates of Parliament,
dressed as a sea cow. Oh!
Come on, time to dance!
I wish Leila would let me book
a cello for this.
This has been the best day.
I want you to be happy.
I am happy.
Happy enough.
If you're still thinking about him,
maybe it's worth the risk.
You never know.
What are you doing here?
Oh, you didn't respond to my card.
It's because I don't wanna see you.
Just give me five minutes, please?
Can I come in?
No, Quinn, you can't come in.
Look, I know I hurt you.
I'm sorry.
My whole life, I...
I've had this crippling fear
of bein' needed.
But with you, Minnie,
I've realized that I'm the one
that needs you.
I... I know I don't deserve
a second chance...
A third chance. No, you don't.
I thought you'd be better off without me.
And maybe you would.
But my feelings for you haven't changed.
I miss you. I really, really miss you.
I said I might screw up again.
But I think I'm in love with you.
As crazy as that might sound.
No, it doesn't sound crazy.
I, um...
I felt the same.
Felt?
Look, things have changed for me, Quinn.
Thanks for coming.
C... can we be friends, at least?
No, I don't think we can.
It's just not worth the risk.
Uh, just... just... one... one second.
I thought Lucky could maybe use a friend.
What's his name?
You can decide.
You know, someone once told me
Quinn was a lucky name.
Doing a lovely job there, Keith.
I miss my old customers.
Poor Mrs. Mentis died last week
and I didn't even know she was ill.
Oh!
You did your best, love.
Not sure I did, though.
I actually had this idea the other day.
How I'd balance the books
if I could do it all again.
So every pie bought by a big business
could buy a pie for someone in need.
Corporate social responsibility.
It's a great idea.
Thanks, but it's about
six months too late.
Is it too late?
I need seed money.
You can't go to investors
unless you've got
a bit of money to put in yourself.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained,
that's what I would say.
Bloody hell, has Mum stopped
taking her cynical pills?
- What?
- Alien body snatchers, that's my theory.
- Keith?
- Yeah?
- I heard that.
- No, you didn't.
I just said how lovely you were
'cause you were so positive.
No, you weren't. You said alien...
You said that my body
is snatched by aliens
because I'm not being cynical.
- No, I love your little alien body.
- I'm allowed change.
Do you remember buying this
for me, Minnie Moo?
First car boot,
spent all your pocket money
buyin' a busted clock for your own dad.
- You fixed it up pretty nicely, too.
- Huh.
It's worth a fair bit now that
I've got it working.
Quite a few of them are.
Are you kidding?
- Does Mum know?
- Does she heck?
She would have made me
sell them years ago.
But if you need this seeding money
for your business plan...
No. No way, Dad, no.
You can't sell the clocks for me.
Listen, I know your mum
always felt like, you know,
someone had it in for her
and you can't change the tide.
It can be hard to let that go.
But with family,
you've always got someone
lookin' out for you.
It's okay to accept a little help
once in a while.
You can't always do it alone.
Once you learn that, you can do anything.
I believe this is the perfect way
for Coke Steel Capital to demonstrate
just how seriously you take
your corporate responsibility.
All of the pies
will be delivered by people
from the local community
who have struggled with unemployment.
This is a sustainable,
economically sound way
of giving something back
and really making a difference.
Plus, they're really bloody tasty.
Very impressive, Miss Cooper.
Thank you.
I could just call him being friendly.
Wish him a happy birthday for tomorrow.
He's not gonna pick up. He'll be out.
- Everyone's out on New Year's Eve.
- Minnie, hi.
Oh, hi.
I'm really glad you called.
I was just calling
to wish you a happy birthday
for tomorrow.
I've been thinking about you
b... because it's...
Because it's New Year's Eve.
Look, Minnie, I'm about to get
on a party boat with some friends.
We're leaving Tower Bridge in one hour.
Why don't you come?
I... I... I... I can't.
Let's just spend
New Year's Eve together.
I'm not asking for anything more.
I can't tonight.
Um, maybe... look, maybe we could
grab breakfast together soon
or something.
You still hiding from the jinx?
No.
Yeah. Um, look,
I was just calling to, um...
I'm in my pajamas.
Okay, well, I'm not sure.
But if that's the case, then...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
No phones tonight.
Your mum needs to let you have some fun.
Hello? Hell...
Quinn?
Damn it! What's he not sure about?
That... that he can't deal
with another neurotic woman
in his life that can't leave the house?
I don't know.
Maybe I shouldn't go out in my pajamas.
Think, guinea pigs, think!
No. Wrong.
I can decide.
I'm going out.
I'm going out!
The New Year's Eve jinx does not exist!
And he is worth the risk!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Hello. Excuse me, would you let me on?
What?
I just really... Oh, come on, please!
Sorry, folks.
Short delay as we change drivers.
How long's that gonna take?
Bus will be delayed here for ten minutes
while we regulate the service
on this route.
No, no, no, no, no.
C... can we... can we just have a...
An unregulated service?
Shaylene's a stickler
for regulating the service.
Okay, Shaylene, you've seen
Sleepless in Seattle, right?
Where Meg Ryan has to get to the top
of the Empire State Building
to meet Tom Hanks?
Well, I'm Meg Ryan
and the Empire State Building
is Tower Bridge now.
My boat leaves in 15 minutes
and the man I love is on that boat.
If I don't get there,
he's not gonna know that I've changed,
that I'm not the cynical, superstitious,
bitter person I was this time last year!
Now, I know what you're gonna say,
I could give him a call tomorrow,
but I don't wanna start the year
without telling him how I feel.
I am begging you, I cannot lose him again.
You know that sayin',
you can be waiting ages for a bus
and then three come all at once?
Well, that happens
when someone doesn't regulate the service.
I felt that way about someone once.
Roger, moved to Amsterdam.
Never got to tell him how I felt.
Off the bus, Shaylene.
You what?
- I'm pullin' a double.
- Mmm.
This is now a non-stop,
unregulated service to Tower Bridge.
Let's get this lady where she needs to go.
What the hell was that?
You call Roger, Hamish!
Tell him how you feel!
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Oh God, holy shit!
I thought you were a burglar!
The front door was wide open.
I came to check if you were okay.
Yeah, I'm fine. I...
You're supposed to be on a boat!
Well, I didn't go.
Oh.
I came to tell you
that if you wanted to stay in
and hide away from the jinx, then...
I'll stay in and hide away with you.
Oh, what time is it?
- We made it!
- Ha-ha!
Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three,
two, one. Happy New Year!
Happy birthday, Mini Cooper. Like the car.
Happy birthday, name stealer.
Leila has this question
she asks every New Year.
Where do you wanna be this time next year?
Oh, with any luck...
right here with you, by myself.
I don't care where we are...
as long as I'm kissing you...
at lemming o'clock.
Wait.
What did you just say?
At lemming o'clock.
Lemming girl.
It's you.
It was you.
Oh, you were my first kiss.
It was always you.
It was always you.
Always.