Three Stooges in Orbit, The (1962) Movie Script
No object in the endless sea of space
has aroused man's curiosity...
...more than the planet Mars.
In particular,
the shape and form of Martian life.
For centuries, astronomers
have searched in vain...
...to solve this mystery.
It has challenged the creativity
of the world's greatest writers...
...and the imagination
of its most gifted artists.
Some envisioned Martians
as huge, birdlike beasts.
Others described fantastic
serpents of incredible size...
...grotesque, tentacled creatures.
Shapes, sizes and forms beyond
man's wildest imagination.
Animal, vegetable, mineral...
...even mechanical creatures
of enormous destructive power.
But all this is conjecture.
At last, you will learn the simple truth
about life on Mars.
As Normandy Productions
lights the fuse...
...that put The Three Stooges
in Orbit.
Where you will meet the true image
of the men from Mars.
Hollywood, California.
Glamour capital of the world...
...where movie history was first
written by such greats as Valentino...
...Fairbanks, Pickford.
Today a new chapter television.
And carrying on in the tradition of the
immortals, we find....
Hey, hey, Caruso. You want
the manager should hear you
If she finds out we're cooking
in the room, we're goners.
You know the trouble we had
finding this place.
You better start cooking
for the TV show for tomorrow.
Or you'll answer to me.
-Now sound off.
-Okay, chief.
Hello, everybody! It gives me pleasure
on this monotonous occasion--
Hey, hey, it's momentous.
Mo-mentous.
What are you giving me two words for
when I have enough trouble with one
I smell cooking in there.
-Battle stations.
-Open the door, or I'll use my keys.
Let old buzzard-face in.
Hey, jughead!
The hat, the hat!
Oh, Miss McGinnis,
you're looking the same as ever.
Thank you.
Now, I know I've detect
the odor of cooking in this
room, which this hotel
will not tolerate!
Cooking What a lively imagination.
I dare say it's the aroma
from the beanery across the street.
It floats in here all day long.
Well, you know the rules,
and as the manager here, I....
Do you have to play that so loud
-Well, you know what this means.
-Yeah, it means goodbye.
Bye!
Now remember, the last place was
the 10th place we were thrown out of.
So watch your p's and q's!
Wait a minute,
get a load of this.
Lonely retired gentleman desires
boarders. Home cooking.
Home cooking!
Where is this idyllic habitation
-Oh, those kind of words you can say
-Yeah.
-Why.... Where is it
-It's Hawk Hill Manor in Lompoc.
Lompoc
Well, Lompoc, here we come!
Boy, oh, boy!
An echo.
-Looks like a country club for zombies.
-You ought to know.
-Did you hear that
-Yeah.
Wait a minute,
I heard it the first time.
Welcome to Hawk Hill, gentlemen.
I'm Professor Danforth.
You came in answer
to my advertisement
-Yes, we did.
-Quite a cozy place you got here.
Thank you. Great-grandfather built it
over 100 years ago.
No! It doesn't look
a day over 98.
Thank you, and won't you come in,
please
Okay.
As you can see, I've got
lots of room here, plenty of--
I see you're interested
in my new invention.
This, gentlemen, is my all-purpose
military vehicle.
The full-scale model is nearing
completion in my workshop.
I've been working on it for months.
Here are the plans.
This button operates it underwater.
This one propels it up in the air.
And this one puts it in orbit.
I think this guy's in orbit already.
Sorry, professor, but I'm afraid
we'd be in your way.
-We'll be seeing you.
-No.
No, wait, please. My days
are so lonely and monotonous.
It's momentous.
Hey, I said it!
Quiet.
It will be so nice to have earthlings
in the house for a change.
Pardon me,
did you say, earthlings
That's right. I'm often bothered
by a spy from outer space...
...who's trying to steal my plans.
A terrible-looking thing.
Claws instead of hands, a hideous
green face, sharp yellow fangs.
Oh, the regular monster type.
Monster
That's right, yes, exactly.
-Okay, professor, we'll stay.
-Yeah, sure.
-What have we got to lose
-Yeah.
Thanks. William will show you
to your tombs.
I mean rooms!
Moe
-About that professor--
-Don't pay any attention...
...to what the old guy said
about the spy from outer space.
He's been bending over those
diagrams too long.
Well, just the same,
I'm taking no chances.
-Where did you get that
-Off the wall.
Chicken. If anything happens,
I'll be across the hall.
Now get some shuteye. We gotta
be in shape for our show tomorrow.
-Good night.
-Good night.
On this monanimous occasion....
That's not right. Moninimous.
-Modinimous--
-Dream about it!
Turn out the lights, I'm bushed.
Moe, they're here!
-They're here!
-What are you yelling about
-They're here.
-They're here Who's here
-From outer space.
-You're off your rocker.
No, listen to me, Moe.
I'm telling you the truth.
Oh, Mable, you're here at last.
You swept me off my feet.
I'm being carried away.
I'm safe.
Safe in your arms, darling. Safe.
He's here.
The spaceman, I saw him.
A guy could get murdered.
-It'll be you if you don't let me sleep.
-Moe, please. Come on. I'll show you.
Come on, right in here.
I know it happened right over here.
I'll show you. Right there.
The claw came through there.
It looked just like a can opener.
Then it pulled the chain like that,
and then it went back in the wall...
-...and this covered the hole.
-Hole The hole is in your head.
Why can't you be like Larry,
sleeping like a baby
Move over, Larry, and let Joe in.
Move over, I said!
Now, any more trouble out of you, and
I'll give you something to yap about.
Look!
Gotcha!
Hey, I got him, Moe.
A tourist from Mars.
Yeah, sure, with a card
from the Diners Club.
Hey, lift him up.
I'll look for a rope.
-Hey, Moe, it's the butler!
-It's always the butler.
Here comes another one.
Hey, wait. Hey, it's Larry.
You're all right.
It was only a blow on the head.
Oh, my, what happened
That's him, that's the fellow
who tried to steal my plans!
No, he's innocent.
It was the butler.
He's got a space gun.
What did he say
Come on.
Well, I'm not afraid of that popgun.
That probably shoots corks.
Kazakoni yourself.
Got a long way to run, fellas!
You leave my machine alone.
Stop, I tell you--!
-Wait a minute, fellas.
-What do you mean
-We've got a long way to run.
-We don't have to run.
-We got a car outside.
-Yeah
-Yeah.
-The keys are in my pants upstairs.
Would you like to go get them
Well, like you say, Moe,
we've got a long ways to run.
Wait, wait, wait!
Martians!
Flying saucers!
FBI Never mind the clerks,
I want Mr. Welby.
-Welby here.
-Mr. Welby, I talked to you before.
Professor Danforth.
Yes, professor,
what can I do for you this time
That butler I told you
was after my invention
Well, he's from Mars, all right.
I just caught him talking to his boss
on closed-circuit TV.
I tell you, they're coming after us
with scads of flying saucers.
Send someone right over.
I'd love to, professor, but unfortunately
all my men are busy right now.
We're rounding up a herd of
man-eating caterpillars from Venus...
...that are trying to crush city hall!
What's the matter,
you a nut or something
Mr. Welby
Mr. Welby, come back!
They're gonna blow up
the whole world.
Hollywood television studio,
Stage 1. The Three Stooges.
Somebody's gotta listen!
Come on, fellas, we've got less
than an hour to make our TV show.
Let's go!
-The studio!
-Follow me, boys.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Three Stooges Scrapbook!
And now from Hollywood, California...
...The Three Stooges
are on the air!
Hello, everybody, it's a great pleasure
on this momentous occasion--
-Hey, hey, you're stealing my line.
-Okay, say it.
On this monotonous occasion....
I knew it, why....
-Hey, this is getting monotonous.
-It's momentous.
He got it too.
And now, youngsters, get set for that
mad, zany, Three Stooge cartoon.
Roll the film, go, go, go!
-Boy, are they ugly.
-Especially the one in the middle.
-Stop playing around!
-Are you crazy Hey, look at that.
-That fat fellow, he's a doll, isn't he
-Come on, go. Come on.
You wanna watch your remarks, boy.
Hello, boys. How would you fellows
like to play mutiny
-Mutiny
-Mutiny
-What's that
-I'm glad you asked that.
-What's that
-I'm glad you asked that.
Well, gentlemen, I see that you've
finally made it. Late as usual.
And now a word from your sponsor,
Mr. Yuk Yuk himself.
-Mr. Galveston
-Of Galveston
Correct. And I don't mind saying
I'm considerable riled...
...because you got here so late. And
I hear you been doing this quite often.
-But I can explain.
-I don't want explanations.
And another thing, if you hombres
can't come up with a different type...
...of cartoon show,
it's gonna be the end of the trail.
What's wrong with what we're
doing now
-What kind of show do you want
-I couldn't tell you, boys.
I'm a businessman,
not a showman.
I just want something better
than ordinary cartoons.
-You've gotta come home with me.
-We're in conference.
Our cartoons ain't ordinary.
I see the same thing
on every cotton-picking show.
-Mr. Howard, please.
-Go away, professor, you bother me.
On the other hand, if you can
dream up something brand-new.
Oh, they'll never make it, G.G. Their
contract expires in 10 days.
Okay, meet you here
at 600 in 10 days.
And remember, a completely different
kind of cartoon show...
...or you're all through.
Saddle up my Rolls-Royce, son,
and I'll be on my way.
Right away, G.G.
Gentlemen, if your sponsor
really wants something new...
...I think I've got it.
Electronic cartoons.
-Electronic
-Exactly.
The most startling new process
since the magic lantern.
-Boys, you help me and I'll help you.
-Keep talking, grandpa.
-Come back home with me.
-Wait a minute.
I wanna say that after you left, I caught
that sneaking butler talking to Mars.
I tell you, they're getting ready to
invade us with flying saucers.
I saw myself on his television set.
-He's in orbit again.
-He's flying.
Boys, you've got to help me
until my work is done.
Remember, only us four can save
the world from destruction.
I'd hate to send for the wacky wagon,
he's such a nice old oddball.
Besides, maybe he's got something
to save our show.
I don't wanna find out.
That joint gives me the creeps!
Me too. Did you see
what that kooky butler did
All of a sudden, I'm aiming a gun
that ain't there.
Don't you jugheads realize
we're in a spot
You mean to tell me you'd let fear
stand in the way of our careers
-Yes!
-Do you mean to tell me...
...that you're too chicken
to face up to that kooky butler
Yes!
-With three against one
-Absolutely!
Oh, absolutely
Don't you know that we
absolutely left all our clothes...
...and our only absolutely car up there,
and you still refuse
Absolutely!
We just took a vote, professor.
It's unanimous. We're going.
Excellent, my car is right outside.
Ten days, 240 hours. You'll never
make it. Goodbye, gentlemen.
-Au revoir.
-Skip the gutter.
Break a leg.
Ogg and Zogg.
Here we are, gentlemen.
-What's the matter with you
-Moe, I'm scared.
-Me, that's who.
-And me too.
-What's the matter, you chicken
-Yeah.
Have a little backbone. Follow me.
Carol!
Father, I couldn't imagine
where you've been.
I didn't know that you were--
I thought you were--
Oh, this is Mr. Howard and his friends.
They're staying with us for a while.
-My daughter Carol.
-I'm pleased to meet you.
-Oh, the pleasure's ours.
-Likewise, I'm sure.
I'm sorry if we scared you.
I didn't expect you back from
New York for another couple months.
-I got some time off, so here I am.
-It's wonderful to have you back, dear.
We've got something to attend to.
We'll be right back, dear.
All right, Father. It's nice
to have guests in the house again.
Gentlemen, this way.
I followed him right through there.
-Did you have your glasses on
-Glasses No.
Oh, still chicken, eh
Get going, come on.
Look out for that first step!
Now he tells us.
Not here.
Here, around the corner.
-I don't see no TV set.
-Are you sure it was in here
Of course I'm sure.
It was right over here.
You better put
your glasses on, pop.
Well, they could have been over
there-- No, he was on the right...
...the television set was on the left,
and that was right.
I just don't understand it.
He must have gone and taken
that whole TV outfit with him.
I'll bet there's no
electronic-cartoon gadget either.
I heard that, and that's
where you're wrong, mister.
Come along with me, and
I'll show it to you.
Hey, professor, that's some
contraption you've got there.
Thank you, thank you.
I don't know whether to call it...
...a seagoing heli-tank,
a land-going heli-sub...
...or an airborne what-in-the-hel--
Excuse me. Anyway, it'll be interesting
to see who'll win the battle for it...
...the Army, Navy or Air Force.
Gentlemen, this is the machine
that is going to save our world.
Let's get to something
really important.
Where's the gimmick
that's gonna save our show
Gimmick
Oh, that's over here.
Your sponsor will renew
your contract in a minute...
...after he's seen
what I can do with this.
Okay, put on your glasses.
My electronic process, gentlemen.
No artist ever touched this. The
whole thing was drawn by a machine.
No artist, eh
Boy, that's amazing.
Sensational!
Now, all I have to do is figure out
how to make it move.
There's nothing like a hearty breakfast
to start the day off.
You know, we ought to humor
the professor...
...until he finishes that
cartoon gizmo.
-Yeah, you never know.
-Home cooking, home cooking.
Hey, get your hotcakes here!
Hey, fellas, the landlady!
Well, what can I say, fellas When
I heard the knocking, it rang a bell.
-Oh, it rang a bell
-Yeah, but I saved my hotcakes.
-Well, so you did.
-Yeah, they're mine. I baked them up--
-Oh, my, what happened
-Well, it was an accident, professor.
See, this is the work
of a birdbrained idiot.
Yeah, a birdbrained idi--
-Thank you.
-How about me
Yeah, and a mental midget.
Go ahead.
Look, Father, the mail!
The Army, the Navy and the Air Force.
I told you there'd be a scramble
for my machine.
The Army.
Professor Danforth. Dear sir,
your invention is most interesting...
...but we feel the submarine feature
makes it more suitable for the Navy.
-The Navy.
-The Navy.
The Navy feels the tank-tread
feature makes your device...
...more suitable for the Army.
Listen to this from the Air Force.
The airborne feature
of your unique vehicle...
...opens up interesting possibilities.
Accordingly, the Air Force
will accept your kind invitation...
...and send a representative,
Capt. Andrews...
...who will be pleased to witness
the tests that you propose.
Afterwards, if results warrant,
we will consider a demonstration...
-...of the full-scale vehicle.
-Oh, boy!
They're coming, they're coming!
I knew they wouldn't turn me down.
-Congratulations, professor.
-You sure put it over.
Thank you. You know, I stayed up
late last night testing the model...
...and everything worked fine.
Come, I'll show you.
Clean up this mess.
I'll clean it up when I'm ready.
-Oh, you will
-Yeah, when I'm ready.
-So
-So I'm ready!
Hello.
-I'm Capt. Andrews, Air Force.
-Won't you come in
Yes.
I'm Carol Danforth. I was hoping
you'd come-- My father was hoping....
Well, he's right over here.
The remarkable thing
about this model is that it operates...
...completely by remote control.
This is Capt. Andrews of the Air
Force. My father, Professor Danforth.
-And our guests Moe and Larry.
-How do you do, professor
-Are you making a mistake!
-I'm sorry, sir.
-That's a bigger mistake.
-No, no, no. I'm Professor Danforth.
Yes, excuse me, professor.
Well, here she is, captain.
What do you think of her
-Wonderful.
-When hard pressed by the enemy...
...it can take to the air, dash across
country or dive underwater.
As a matter of fact,
it even seeks out water.
First, I'll demonstrate
how it operates as a tank.
See that, captain It's gonna
revolutionize the art of warfare.
It'll even revolutionize revolutions.
Remember, the big machine
will do everything the little one does.
Could you ask for anything more
No. Oh, no, no.
Definitely not, it's excellent.
You know, captain, you're pretty
sharp. The Army and Navy didn't--
They didn't get here in time. Of
course, they're hot for it too, you know.
Prepare for the water test.
-Prepare for the water test.
-Prepare for the water test.
Captain, nothing can stop
this vehicle except this. Watch.
Captain, nothing can stop
this vehicle except this. Watch.
Ready for the water test.
-Ready for the water test.
-Thank you.
Now, when attacked
by antitank weapons...
...the pilot has only
to push a button.
Now, watch how it finds
the nearest water.
Wait a minute,
I gotta open the door.
Wait a minute!
-This way, captain.
-Yes, this way, captain.
Right this--
Professor, I think it needs
a little adjustment.
Oh, Carol, why don't you take
the captain and talk things over
Come on, captain, this way.
I don't understand.
Watch it, that thing's going berserk.
-Where is it
-I don't know.
Come in!
Who is it
Get out of here! Go on!
Sounds like Curly-Joe. Come on!
It's running wild!
Hey, fellas! Hey, professor!
The propeller!
What's going on in here
Turn that thing the other way!
Shut it off! Shut it off!
Hi, fellas.
Oh, remote control!
Cover your eyes.
Moe, Larry's cheating.
What are you doing
Shame on you.
Well, captain
Is the Air Force interested
Oh, yes. I can assure you, sir, the
Air Force is definitely interested.
That's wonderful!
The big machine will be ready
to demonstrate next week.
My baby, I just love you!
That's it.
How you doing, boys
Not much time left.
Don't worry, you'll be showing it
to the brass right on schedule.
Controls all checked out, professor.
Good, good, I'm working out all the
bugs on the cartoon machine too.
-She'll be ready.
-What a team.
-He's got the brains, and we've got--
-What
-The enthusiasm.
-That's better.
Larry! Joe!
-Shut it off!
-Turn it off!
Shut it off!
-Joe!
-Cut the motor off, Larry boy!
Pull the lever on the
compression chamber.
Larry! Joe! Shut off this thing!
-Larry! Joe! Help!
-Shut it off!
Hurry!
Shut it off, boys!
I'm sorry, Moe. It was an accident.
Oh. Well, this is on purpose.
Polka Dot. Sweetens the breath,
brightens the teeth. Tastes like pizza!
Polka Dot toothpaste,
for the smile of youth and beauty.
Polka Dot toothpaste,
for the smile...
...of glamour and beauty.
-Wait a minute, lunkhead.
-Why, what's the matter I'm busy.
-You're busy
-Yeah.
Get another big bag of water. The
airfield's in the middle of the desert.
So it's in the middle of the desert.
How you coming, professor
Oh, this will do for the demonstration.
My own secret fuel.
Got more get-up-and-go
than anything ever on the market.
-I don't believe you said that.
-Well, I did because it's true.
-Someone to see you, Father.
-Hello.
-She's all gassed up and ready to go.
-Wonderful.
I thought everything was set
for day after tomorrow.
It is, but Col. Lane would like to have
you at the base a bit ahead of time...
...to kind of go over the details.
He invited the area commander,
Gen. Bixby.
-Gen. Bixby!
-Tom's arranged to fly you there...
-...in his plane. I can go too.
-If it's all right with you, sir.
-Yes. Oh, but the machine--
-Don't worry about that.
-We'll get her there okay.
-Professor, you go with the captain.
-And leave the driving to us.
-They'll take good care of it.
-No, I'm more familiar with it--
-See you at Baldwin Air Force Base.
I wouldn't want anything
to go wrong, honey.
Don't worry, professor,
you left everything in good hands.
Don't worry, professor,
you left everything in good hands.
All right, let's get this mockingbird
on the road.
Here.
Moe!
Moe, we got a problem!
What do you mean,
we got a problem
All you have to do is drive this thing
right through that door. What--
Oh, no, it can't be.
Yes, it can. The machine is too big
to go through the door.
-Get away from here.
-What's that for
That's for not thinking of it before.
Now you guys get busy...
...and widen that door a few feet
while I check the controls.
-So we'll widen the door.
-All right, all right, take it easy.
-We'll widen the door.
-Go get the tools.
The tools there.
There's a dandy.
Yeah, you work on that side,
and I'll work over here.
Pick out a good spot here.
-That ought to do it.
-Hey, bubblebrain!
-What
-You're using the wrong side.
Wrong side
Oh, yeah.
How silly can you get
-Wait, you're still doing it wrong.
-What do you mean
-You mind if I show you
-No, but I, I'm--
Look, take this. See, when you got
a tool with two heads on it...
...and the first head is pointy, you take
it right there and the pointy part...
...goes right in that wall there.
-That's where the pointy part belongs.
-Yeah, how stupid can you get
I don't know, I guess you can get
pretty stupid if you're like me.
Boy, oh, boy.
Here we go.
Termites
-Larry! Larry!
-What's the matter
-Did you hit yourself
-No, I didn't hit myself.
Something hit me through that hole
there. Come right out, hit me.
-You see, you see.
-You're crazy, there's nothing in there.
What do you mean,
there's nothing there
-Larry, Larry! Again. Again.
-What did you do, hit yourself again
Didn't hit myself again.
It came through the hole again.
-Oh, don't bo--
-You'll see it. Look, can you see it
-See it
-There's nothing there!
-Now get to work!
-All right, so there's nothing there--
Oh, yeah What--
Oh, no.
You're still playing around
We got work to do.
I ain't playing around with--
Good work, boys!
At last, you did something right.
But, Moe, we didn't--
-Did we
-Come on, boys, hop aboard.
We don't want to keep
the professor waiting.
Get in there, come on.
Attaboy.
-I hope you can make it.
-There's not very much room there.
Have no concern.
When I throw this throttle in, we will
ease slowly through the opening.
Twenty-two minutes late!
I can't wait for this thing much longer.
Sorry, general, but the captain
assured me that it'd be here.
Here it comes!
Let's make a snappy entrance.
Believe me, this is going to be
something you'll never forget.
Hey, boys!
Right here!
There's the professor.
Hi, professor!
-It's Moe! Moe's driving it!
-Come back here!
Look out, professor!
Shut her down, you bubblebrain.
Well, professor, perhaps your
machine isn't quite ready yet.
Oh, yes, it is, sir.
Besides, I want you people to have it...
-...before the Martians get it.
-That's a very good--
-What did you say
-The Martians, they want it.
Look, the airplane!
-Put on your brakes!
-I can't find a pedal.
-Use the emergency!
-The emergency.
-You mean this
-Yeah.
The airplane!
-That was close.
-You did it.
You got us over that,
boy, you are a doll.
Col. Lane,
get that ship off the field!
-Ground that thing, that's an order!
-That's an order!
Don't look now,
but I think we're being followed.
-Maybe we'll get a ticket.
-Hey, can you get one for my friend
Come on.
The bookstore!
Bookstore!
Up, up, up!
Easy does it.
You came through again, Moe.
Bookstore!
Come on, you idiot.
Look out, girls!
Hey, Moe, you're heading
for the general!
Look out,
you'll knock him on his brass!
See that that goes back
where it belongs.
Eyes right!
Sir!
I wish to report--
Now see here!
Oh, dear me.
-Andrews!
-Yes, general
What have you got to say
Well, I'm sorry I listened
to that old crackpot, sir.
-Father, we're going home.
-Carol! Wait a minute, I'll take you.
No, thank you.
This time we'll take the bus.
And leave the court-martial to us!
How do you like that
Visibility zero.
-Yeah, and you can't see either.
-No, you--
Get that map out of my face!
You want me to wreck the ship
I want to see what road we're on.
You applebrain, we haven't been
on a road since we left the air base.
-How are we fixed for gas
-How are we fixed for gas
Well, the arrow's pointing halfway...
...so I don't know
whether it's half-empty or half-full.
-Remind me to wallop you later.
-I'll make a note of it.
I'll do it now.
What are we stopping here for
-What are you stopping for
-I didn't stop it. It's the engines.
Well, come on,
we got a repair job to do.
You are about to witness a test of
the Navy's new atomic depth charge...
...which has been placed
at the base of this tower.
This is the bomb.
Powerful enough to destroy
every enemy submarine...
...within a radius of 6 miles.
And utterly devastate
an equal area on land.
The bomb is adjusted
to maximum sensitivity.
The slightest contact with moisture
will set it off.
However, for test purposes...
...it will be exploded by dropping water
on it from this tower.
The countdown will now begin.
Gentlemen, put on
your safety glasses.
Well, that takes care of the distributor.
Just had a little sand in it.
-Give me the carburetor.
-Give me the carburetor!
Give me the carburetor,
give me the carburetor.
Here it is.
Seven, six....
Three, two....
-Hurry up!
-Here you go.
One of those crazy
desert cloudbursts.
What happened
Gentlemen, I don't understand it.
That was enough water
to detonate a dozen bombs.
-Boy that was tight, but I made it fit!
-Yeah.
All it takes is a little know-how.
Hey, what are you doing,
swimming in a mirage
-No, fellas, I was just standing there--
-Yeah, yeah, just standing there.
Well, stop standing there
and climb aboard!
Climb aboard, all right,
climb aboard.
Down with the hatch!
There's some kind of vehicle
out there.
Gentlemen, someone has stolen
the bomb!
Security! Security, this is an
emergency, an emergency!
All right, now, men, hear this.
This is it.
Contact.
-Boy, what power!
-If the professor could see us now!
All because we cleaned a little sand
out of the distributor.
Yeah.
-Talent shows.
-It does
-Take over, I'll check the Fathometer.
-Okay.
-Hey, we're not doing too bad.
-Okay up there.
Hey, fellas, get a load of the news.
Officials of Los Amigos
Proving Grounds...
...were thrown into consternation
when a new atomic depth charge...
...was mysteriously stolen from its test
site seconds before being detonated.
-How do you like those crooks
-Authorities warn...
...the tremendous destructive power
of this bomb...
...will be unleashed at once
on the slightest contact--
Can you imagine stealing
an atom bomb
It just shows you how stupid
some people can get.
-Get away from there!
-All right.
-As you were!
-All right, I'm sorry.
-But it's disgusting, I'll say that.
-Yes, you are.
Not me, the people
who stole the bomb, stupid.
We're flying!
A lake.
Full speed on the choppers!
We haven't gone underwater yet.
Let's try the submarine bit.
You lamebrain, you saw what
happened with sand in the distributor.
What will happen with water
in the carburetor
-So, what could possibly happen
-You could possibly get a busted skull!
All right, all right.
-We're flying!
-We're in the air!
-Blue water.
-Blue water.
Remember, keep your cotton-picking
fingers off that orbit button.
-What do you think, I'm dumb
-I don't think, I know.
Well, I don't think you know either.
As I was saying, keep your cotton-
picking fingers off the orbit button.
-What do you think I am, dumb
-I don't think, I know.
-Well, I don't think you know either.
-Come on.
Hey, didn't we just do that
-Did you see what I just saw
-A flying submarine
-Flight 707 to Control--
-No, not a flying submarine.
-No, we didn't see it.
-No, no, no, we didn't see a thing.
I know the boys did their best,
but it's plain...
...my machine wasn't ready
after all.
I just hope
they didn't injure themselves.
I guess Tom was right,
maybe I am just an old crackpot.
-Oh, Father, it's not true.
-It is, Carol, it is.
As far as that flying
buzz saw is concerned.
Not this camera, honey. This is gonna
work just like I promised.
I'll make it up to them.
-Hi, professor!
-Hi, Carol!
-Boys, boys, am I glad to see you!
-We were so worried!
-I don't know what about.
-We got news for you.
We made a few minor adjustments,
and your chariot spins like a top.
You can tell the Air Force
to order another demonstration.
-We'll really show them something.
-In due time, due time, boys.
-Wait till you see the surprise I've got.
-Surprise
Okay, professor, don't get excited.
Okay, what
Well, here she is, fellas, all finished.
Hey, that's wonderful!
But will it work
Certainly! Don't you have
any confidence in the professor
Don't forget, boys, this is the 10th,
the day your contract expires.
-You've only got until 600 tonight.
-Six o'clock. By golly, he's right!
Don't worry, I'll get you under the wire.
We'll make a test film right now...
-...and rush it to the studio.
-You have things to do. I better get out of your way.
-Okay, Carol, good night.
-We'll see you.
Move this thing around and get
some lamps. We'll need lots of lights.
-We'll put it right about here.
-Bring in that 10k over there, Larry.
Come over here and get yourself
assembled in a position so I can....
Good, good!
Now we'll get some makeup...
...and you'll be all set here.
That's it. Very good.
-Oh, good. Yeah.
-Yeah, and now.... That's it.
-That's it. Good.
-Okay, professor.
Now, I'll get your special costumes.
Don't worry about the makeup.
It's a special quick-drying
polyunsaturated titanium.
Well, if it's that quick-drying
polyunsaturated titanium...
-...what have we got to worry about
-You are very glib today, professor.
Well, thank you very much!
-What are you doing Watch it.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch it--
That's it, the makeup. Just a little--
All right, all right, that's it.
Go ahead. Wait, a little bit
under your eyebrows.
-Well, you take care of it, sir.
-There you are. There.
-Just a dash.
-Thank you. You are so kind.
Hi. Oh, Carol, please. Look, it's only
fair to let the defense have its say.
-It seems to me you've had your say.
-I wanna make up for it.
-To you as well as to your father.
-My father's busy now.
Then I can explain it to you,
and you can explain it to him.
It was utter chaos. I was nervous.
I mean, after all, a general with a....
Carol, listen.
That does it.
Now, how about a little act Anything.
-I know something--
-How about the--
Oh, sure! I got it, the thing they're all
going daffy about!
-Got a radio, professor
-Over there.
-Okay.
-Yeah, music, that's what we need.
What's the matter
Are you killing ants
-No, that's the latest dance step.
-Dance step
-Sure.
-If you say so.
Good, good!
We're rolling!
Deadline is 6, remember. You can
wash up in there. I'll wait in the car.
-Gotta change clothes too.
-Meet you at the studio.
-Okay, hurry now.
-You look funny.
All right, come on,
you abominable snowman.
-Go in there.
-We'll get washed up--
-What a character.
-Cut it out.
Boy, it's gonna feel good
to get out of this stuff.
-Stop clowning and talk English.
-Stop clowning and talk English.
It wasn't me. It was them guys.
-Who are those jokers
-Why, they're actors.
Can't you see the makeup
The professor probably hired them...
-...before we got here.
-Foreign actors.
-Well, you're too late, boys. Beat it.
-See your agent.
Get some of that off.
Take the machine at once.
Destroy the Earth as you leave.
Destroy the Earth!
Give me the shovel.
Hey, Larry.
I knew you'd understand.
-Who are they
-I don't know.
Come on, Joe,
we gotta stop those Martians.
Yeah, they're gonna blow up
the whole world.
Oh, they can't do that!
We won't get our social security.
Come on.
That gun wasn't there before.
-The boys! Moe!
-Larry!
Hold it!
-They're gonna shoot!
-Let's get out of here!
Not there!
Here!
What--
Operator, get me Air Force
headquarters, Los Angeles. Hurry!
But, Gen. Bixby,
I saw them with my own eyes.
They must be from outer space!
Now see here, Andrews.
Not content with wasting my time with
that cockamamie washing machine...
...you have the colossal nerve to tell
me it's been hijacked by Martians!
Send all available interceptors,
alert all bases.
-An attack could come any moment!
-Attack, eh
Whom are you trying to kid
Good heavens!
Hello, operator
Operator!
-Now the line is dead.
-Maybe Father can help.
Get me Washington,
get the chief of staff!
That's right, this is a red alert!
Repeat, red alert!
That's right, scramble flights
I want every available plane
in the air!
There's only one thing to do, men.
We've gotta get in
and knock those freaks out.
We can't go in there.
They've got the space guns.
-Yeah, Larry's right, but I got an idea.
-Save it. I got a better idea.
We'll disable the engine, see
Then this crate has to go down.
-Yeah.
-Come on.
-We got nothing to worry about now.
-That's what you think. Look!
Get out of there!
You almost got a cheap haircut.
Hey, fellas, no! We're with you!
We're on your side!
See, fellas! Look at that,
they're going around, they're--
Look.
They're on the ground
Turn it over to the Army!
Elements of the Army, Marines,
Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard...
...are being mobilized to shoot down
the invaders attacking the city from the sky.
Civil defense authorities are warning
all civilians to keep off the streets.
Oh, no, not Disneyland!
What are you doing out there
The Air Force!
The Army!
Get those planes back in the air!
The Army!
The Army!
The Air Force!
Yeah, the Army!
The Air Force! The Army!
They are You're sure
Adm. Willoughby.
They're over the ocean now.
You're on.
Hey, fellas, look.
-Just like an atomic bomb.
-Atomic bomb, you idiot
Everybody knows an atomic bomb
makes a great big flash.
A big flash--
Didn't they say on the radio yesterday
an atomic bomb was stolen from the desert
That's right. So where did all this
sudden power come from
Are you sure you handed me
a carburetor back there in the desert
-Well, I had sand in my eye.
-You had sand in your brains too.
Come on, sandy, let's take a look.
Look, AEC.
Automobile Exchange Company.
See, it's a rebuilt carburetor.
AEC is Atomic Energy Commission.
That's the bomb!
A bomb! Oh, Moe!
Moe, what are we gonna do
What do you usually do
when somebody mails you a bomb
I mail it back.
You birdbrain, you dunk it in water
and put it out of commission.
-Oh, right.
-Larry, go get the water.
-Sometimes I think you're dumb.
-Dumb Well!
Fantastic! Incredible!
What do you say, Lansing
-Oh, yes, yes, quite.
-Quite.
Son, this here new process
is exactly what I've been looking for.
-I kind of thought you'd like it.
-Like it I love it!
I'll double their salaries
and give them a 10-year contract.
But they gotta be here on time,
or it's no deal.
It's two minutes to 6 right now, G.G.
They won't make it.
I know them, they're off
dilly-dallying somewhere.
-Hey, the cannon.
-Cannon
If they ever hit those gasoline tanks,
they'll blow the whole city up!
-Hurry up!
-I'll get them.
Oh, no! Larry, Moe, I'm stuck!
Help, help!
I'm stuck! Help!
-Hey, Moe, look!
-A periscope! I'll take care of that.
Take it easy, kid!
Give me that.
When I chop off this tower...
...it's gonna go down,
so watch yourself.
--has just crashed into the sea
off the California coast.
We repeat, the danger is over.
The machine carrying the invaders
just exploded in the Pacific Ocean.
The invaders plummeted
into the water...
...with a devastating explosion
of atomic magnitude.
Navy sources report
the huge mushroom cloud...
...is still visible for over 30 miles.
We repeat, the danger is over.
The machine carrying the invaders
has exploded in the Pacific Ocean.
They'll never make it. Thirty seconds
more and their contract expires.
Just in time!
Congratulations, boys!
I never thought you'd make it.
A promise is a promise.
-We said we'd drop in.
-On our heads
If you can't lick them, join them!
has aroused man's curiosity...
...more than the planet Mars.
In particular,
the shape and form of Martian life.
For centuries, astronomers
have searched in vain...
...to solve this mystery.
It has challenged the creativity
of the world's greatest writers...
...and the imagination
of its most gifted artists.
Some envisioned Martians
as huge, birdlike beasts.
Others described fantastic
serpents of incredible size...
...grotesque, tentacled creatures.
Shapes, sizes and forms beyond
man's wildest imagination.
Animal, vegetable, mineral...
...even mechanical creatures
of enormous destructive power.
But all this is conjecture.
At last, you will learn the simple truth
about life on Mars.
As Normandy Productions
lights the fuse...
...that put The Three Stooges
in Orbit.
Where you will meet the true image
of the men from Mars.
Hollywood, California.
Glamour capital of the world...
...where movie history was first
written by such greats as Valentino...
...Fairbanks, Pickford.
Today a new chapter television.
And carrying on in the tradition of the
immortals, we find....
Hey, hey, Caruso. You want
the manager should hear you
If she finds out we're cooking
in the room, we're goners.
You know the trouble we had
finding this place.
You better start cooking
for the TV show for tomorrow.
Or you'll answer to me.
-Now sound off.
-Okay, chief.
Hello, everybody! It gives me pleasure
on this monotonous occasion--
Hey, hey, it's momentous.
Mo-mentous.
What are you giving me two words for
when I have enough trouble with one
I smell cooking in there.
-Battle stations.
-Open the door, or I'll use my keys.
Let old buzzard-face in.
Hey, jughead!
The hat, the hat!
Oh, Miss McGinnis,
you're looking the same as ever.
Thank you.
Now, I know I've detect
the odor of cooking in this
room, which this hotel
will not tolerate!
Cooking What a lively imagination.
I dare say it's the aroma
from the beanery across the street.
It floats in here all day long.
Well, you know the rules,
and as the manager here, I....
Do you have to play that so loud
-Well, you know what this means.
-Yeah, it means goodbye.
Bye!
Now remember, the last place was
the 10th place we were thrown out of.
So watch your p's and q's!
Wait a minute,
get a load of this.
Lonely retired gentleman desires
boarders. Home cooking.
Home cooking!
Where is this idyllic habitation
-Oh, those kind of words you can say
-Yeah.
-Why.... Where is it
-It's Hawk Hill Manor in Lompoc.
Lompoc
Well, Lompoc, here we come!
Boy, oh, boy!
An echo.
-Looks like a country club for zombies.
-You ought to know.
-Did you hear that
-Yeah.
Wait a minute,
I heard it the first time.
Welcome to Hawk Hill, gentlemen.
I'm Professor Danforth.
You came in answer
to my advertisement
-Yes, we did.
-Quite a cozy place you got here.
Thank you. Great-grandfather built it
over 100 years ago.
No! It doesn't look
a day over 98.
Thank you, and won't you come in,
please
Okay.
As you can see, I've got
lots of room here, plenty of--
I see you're interested
in my new invention.
This, gentlemen, is my all-purpose
military vehicle.
The full-scale model is nearing
completion in my workshop.
I've been working on it for months.
Here are the plans.
This button operates it underwater.
This one propels it up in the air.
And this one puts it in orbit.
I think this guy's in orbit already.
Sorry, professor, but I'm afraid
we'd be in your way.
-We'll be seeing you.
-No.
No, wait, please. My days
are so lonely and monotonous.
It's momentous.
Hey, I said it!
Quiet.
It will be so nice to have earthlings
in the house for a change.
Pardon me,
did you say, earthlings
That's right. I'm often bothered
by a spy from outer space...
...who's trying to steal my plans.
A terrible-looking thing.
Claws instead of hands, a hideous
green face, sharp yellow fangs.
Oh, the regular monster type.
Monster
That's right, yes, exactly.
-Okay, professor, we'll stay.
-Yeah, sure.
-What have we got to lose
-Yeah.
Thanks. William will show you
to your tombs.
I mean rooms!
Moe
-About that professor--
-Don't pay any attention...
...to what the old guy said
about the spy from outer space.
He's been bending over those
diagrams too long.
Well, just the same,
I'm taking no chances.
-Where did you get that
-Off the wall.
Chicken. If anything happens,
I'll be across the hall.
Now get some shuteye. We gotta
be in shape for our show tomorrow.
-Good night.
-Good night.
On this monanimous occasion....
That's not right. Moninimous.
-Modinimous--
-Dream about it!
Turn out the lights, I'm bushed.
Moe, they're here!
-They're here!
-What are you yelling about
-They're here.
-They're here Who's here
-From outer space.
-You're off your rocker.
No, listen to me, Moe.
I'm telling you the truth.
Oh, Mable, you're here at last.
You swept me off my feet.
I'm being carried away.
I'm safe.
Safe in your arms, darling. Safe.
He's here.
The spaceman, I saw him.
A guy could get murdered.
-It'll be you if you don't let me sleep.
-Moe, please. Come on. I'll show you.
Come on, right in here.
I know it happened right over here.
I'll show you. Right there.
The claw came through there.
It looked just like a can opener.
Then it pulled the chain like that,
and then it went back in the wall...
-...and this covered the hole.
-Hole The hole is in your head.
Why can't you be like Larry,
sleeping like a baby
Move over, Larry, and let Joe in.
Move over, I said!
Now, any more trouble out of you, and
I'll give you something to yap about.
Look!
Gotcha!
Hey, I got him, Moe.
A tourist from Mars.
Yeah, sure, with a card
from the Diners Club.
Hey, lift him up.
I'll look for a rope.
-Hey, Moe, it's the butler!
-It's always the butler.
Here comes another one.
Hey, wait. Hey, it's Larry.
You're all right.
It was only a blow on the head.
Oh, my, what happened
That's him, that's the fellow
who tried to steal my plans!
No, he's innocent.
It was the butler.
He's got a space gun.
What did he say
Come on.
Well, I'm not afraid of that popgun.
That probably shoots corks.
Kazakoni yourself.
Got a long way to run, fellas!
You leave my machine alone.
Stop, I tell you--!
-Wait a minute, fellas.
-What do you mean
-We've got a long way to run.
-We don't have to run.
-We got a car outside.
-Yeah
-Yeah.
-The keys are in my pants upstairs.
Would you like to go get them
Well, like you say, Moe,
we've got a long ways to run.
Wait, wait, wait!
Martians!
Flying saucers!
FBI Never mind the clerks,
I want Mr. Welby.
-Welby here.
-Mr. Welby, I talked to you before.
Professor Danforth.
Yes, professor,
what can I do for you this time
That butler I told you
was after my invention
Well, he's from Mars, all right.
I just caught him talking to his boss
on closed-circuit TV.
I tell you, they're coming after us
with scads of flying saucers.
Send someone right over.
I'd love to, professor, but unfortunately
all my men are busy right now.
We're rounding up a herd of
man-eating caterpillars from Venus...
...that are trying to crush city hall!
What's the matter,
you a nut or something
Mr. Welby
Mr. Welby, come back!
They're gonna blow up
the whole world.
Hollywood television studio,
Stage 1. The Three Stooges.
Somebody's gotta listen!
Come on, fellas, we've got less
than an hour to make our TV show.
Let's go!
-The studio!
-Follow me, boys.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Three Stooges Scrapbook!
And now from Hollywood, California...
...The Three Stooges
are on the air!
Hello, everybody, it's a great pleasure
on this momentous occasion--
-Hey, hey, you're stealing my line.
-Okay, say it.
On this monotonous occasion....
I knew it, why....
-Hey, this is getting monotonous.
-It's momentous.
He got it too.
And now, youngsters, get set for that
mad, zany, Three Stooge cartoon.
Roll the film, go, go, go!
-Boy, are they ugly.
-Especially the one in the middle.
-Stop playing around!
-Are you crazy Hey, look at that.
-That fat fellow, he's a doll, isn't he
-Come on, go. Come on.
You wanna watch your remarks, boy.
Hello, boys. How would you fellows
like to play mutiny
-Mutiny
-Mutiny
-What's that
-I'm glad you asked that.
-What's that
-I'm glad you asked that.
Well, gentlemen, I see that you've
finally made it. Late as usual.
And now a word from your sponsor,
Mr. Yuk Yuk himself.
-Mr. Galveston
-Of Galveston
Correct. And I don't mind saying
I'm considerable riled...
...because you got here so late. And
I hear you been doing this quite often.
-But I can explain.
-I don't want explanations.
And another thing, if you hombres
can't come up with a different type...
...of cartoon show,
it's gonna be the end of the trail.
What's wrong with what we're
doing now
-What kind of show do you want
-I couldn't tell you, boys.
I'm a businessman,
not a showman.
I just want something better
than ordinary cartoons.
-You've gotta come home with me.
-We're in conference.
Our cartoons ain't ordinary.
I see the same thing
on every cotton-picking show.
-Mr. Howard, please.
-Go away, professor, you bother me.
On the other hand, if you can
dream up something brand-new.
Oh, they'll never make it, G.G. Their
contract expires in 10 days.
Okay, meet you here
at 600 in 10 days.
And remember, a completely different
kind of cartoon show...
...or you're all through.
Saddle up my Rolls-Royce, son,
and I'll be on my way.
Right away, G.G.
Gentlemen, if your sponsor
really wants something new...
...I think I've got it.
Electronic cartoons.
-Electronic
-Exactly.
The most startling new process
since the magic lantern.
-Boys, you help me and I'll help you.
-Keep talking, grandpa.
-Come back home with me.
-Wait a minute.
I wanna say that after you left, I caught
that sneaking butler talking to Mars.
I tell you, they're getting ready to
invade us with flying saucers.
I saw myself on his television set.
-He's in orbit again.
-He's flying.
Boys, you've got to help me
until my work is done.
Remember, only us four can save
the world from destruction.
I'd hate to send for the wacky wagon,
he's such a nice old oddball.
Besides, maybe he's got something
to save our show.
I don't wanna find out.
That joint gives me the creeps!
Me too. Did you see
what that kooky butler did
All of a sudden, I'm aiming a gun
that ain't there.
Don't you jugheads realize
we're in a spot
You mean to tell me you'd let fear
stand in the way of our careers
-Yes!
-Do you mean to tell me...
...that you're too chicken
to face up to that kooky butler
Yes!
-With three against one
-Absolutely!
Oh, absolutely
Don't you know that we
absolutely left all our clothes...
...and our only absolutely car up there,
and you still refuse
Absolutely!
We just took a vote, professor.
It's unanimous. We're going.
Excellent, my car is right outside.
Ten days, 240 hours. You'll never
make it. Goodbye, gentlemen.
-Au revoir.
-Skip the gutter.
Break a leg.
Ogg and Zogg.
Here we are, gentlemen.
-What's the matter with you
-Moe, I'm scared.
-Me, that's who.
-And me too.
-What's the matter, you chicken
-Yeah.
Have a little backbone. Follow me.
Carol!
Father, I couldn't imagine
where you've been.
I didn't know that you were--
I thought you were--
Oh, this is Mr. Howard and his friends.
They're staying with us for a while.
-My daughter Carol.
-I'm pleased to meet you.
-Oh, the pleasure's ours.
-Likewise, I'm sure.
I'm sorry if we scared you.
I didn't expect you back from
New York for another couple months.
-I got some time off, so here I am.
-It's wonderful to have you back, dear.
We've got something to attend to.
We'll be right back, dear.
All right, Father. It's nice
to have guests in the house again.
Gentlemen, this way.
I followed him right through there.
-Did you have your glasses on
-Glasses No.
Oh, still chicken, eh
Get going, come on.
Look out for that first step!
Now he tells us.
Not here.
Here, around the corner.
-I don't see no TV set.
-Are you sure it was in here
Of course I'm sure.
It was right over here.
You better put
your glasses on, pop.
Well, they could have been over
there-- No, he was on the right...
...the television set was on the left,
and that was right.
I just don't understand it.
He must have gone and taken
that whole TV outfit with him.
I'll bet there's no
electronic-cartoon gadget either.
I heard that, and that's
where you're wrong, mister.
Come along with me, and
I'll show it to you.
Hey, professor, that's some
contraption you've got there.
Thank you, thank you.
I don't know whether to call it...
...a seagoing heli-tank,
a land-going heli-sub...
...or an airborne what-in-the-hel--
Excuse me. Anyway, it'll be interesting
to see who'll win the battle for it...
...the Army, Navy or Air Force.
Gentlemen, this is the machine
that is going to save our world.
Let's get to something
really important.
Where's the gimmick
that's gonna save our show
Gimmick
Oh, that's over here.
Your sponsor will renew
your contract in a minute...
...after he's seen
what I can do with this.
Okay, put on your glasses.
My electronic process, gentlemen.
No artist ever touched this. The
whole thing was drawn by a machine.
No artist, eh
Boy, that's amazing.
Sensational!
Now, all I have to do is figure out
how to make it move.
There's nothing like a hearty breakfast
to start the day off.
You know, we ought to humor
the professor...
...until he finishes that
cartoon gizmo.
-Yeah, you never know.
-Home cooking, home cooking.
Hey, get your hotcakes here!
Hey, fellas, the landlady!
Well, what can I say, fellas When
I heard the knocking, it rang a bell.
-Oh, it rang a bell
-Yeah, but I saved my hotcakes.
-Well, so you did.
-Yeah, they're mine. I baked them up--
-Oh, my, what happened
-Well, it was an accident, professor.
See, this is the work
of a birdbrained idiot.
Yeah, a birdbrained idi--
-Thank you.
-How about me
Yeah, and a mental midget.
Go ahead.
Look, Father, the mail!
The Army, the Navy and the Air Force.
I told you there'd be a scramble
for my machine.
The Army.
Professor Danforth. Dear sir,
your invention is most interesting...
...but we feel the submarine feature
makes it more suitable for the Navy.
-The Navy.
-The Navy.
The Navy feels the tank-tread
feature makes your device...
...more suitable for the Army.
Listen to this from the Air Force.
The airborne feature
of your unique vehicle...
...opens up interesting possibilities.
Accordingly, the Air Force
will accept your kind invitation...
...and send a representative,
Capt. Andrews...
...who will be pleased to witness
the tests that you propose.
Afterwards, if results warrant,
we will consider a demonstration...
-...of the full-scale vehicle.
-Oh, boy!
They're coming, they're coming!
I knew they wouldn't turn me down.
-Congratulations, professor.
-You sure put it over.
Thank you. You know, I stayed up
late last night testing the model...
...and everything worked fine.
Come, I'll show you.
Clean up this mess.
I'll clean it up when I'm ready.
-Oh, you will
-Yeah, when I'm ready.
-So
-So I'm ready!
Hello.
-I'm Capt. Andrews, Air Force.
-Won't you come in
Yes.
I'm Carol Danforth. I was hoping
you'd come-- My father was hoping....
Well, he's right over here.
The remarkable thing
about this model is that it operates...
...completely by remote control.
This is Capt. Andrews of the Air
Force. My father, Professor Danforth.
-And our guests Moe and Larry.
-How do you do, professor
-Are you making a mistake!
-I'm sorry, sir.
-That's a bigger mistake.
-No, no, no. I'm Professor Danforth.
Yes, excuse me, professor.
Well, here she is, captain.
What do you think of her
-Wonderful.
-When hard pressed by the enemy...
...it can take to the air, dash across
country or dive underwater.
As a matter of fact,
it even seeks out water.
First, I'll demonstrate
how it operates as a tank.
See that, captain It's gonna
revolutionize the art of warfare.
It'll even revolutionize revolutions.
Remember, the big machine
will do everything the little one does.
Could you ask for anything more
No. Oh, no, no.
Definitely not, it's excellent.
You know, captain, you're pretty
sharp. The Army and Navy didn't--
They didn't get here in time. Of
course, they're hot for it too, you know.
Prepare for the water test.
-Prepare for the water test.
-Prepare for the water test.
Captain, nothing can stop
this vehicle except this. Watch.
Captain, nothing can stop
this vehicle except this. Watch.
Ready for the water test.
-Ready for the water test.
-Thank you.
Now, when attacked
by antitank weapons...
...the pilot has only
to push a button.
Now, watch how it finds
the nearest water.
Wait a minute,
I gotta open the door.
Wait a minute!
-This way, captain.
-Yes, this way, captain.
Right this--
Professor, I think it needs
a little adjustment.
Oh, Carol, why don't you take
the captain and talk things over
Come on, captain, this way.
I don't understand.
Watch it, that thing's going berserk.
-Where is it
-I don't know.
Come in!
Who is it
Get out of here! Go on!
Sounds like Curly-Joe. Come on!
It's running wild!
Hey, fellas! Hey, professor!
The propeller!
What's going on in here
Turn that thing the other way!
Shut it off! Shut it off!
Hi, fellas.
Oh, remote control!
Cover your eyes.
Moe, Larry's cheating.
What are you doing
Shame on you.
Well, captain
Is the Air Force interested
Oh, yes. I can assure you, sir, the
Air Force is definitely interested.
That's wonderful!
The big machine will be ready
to demonstrate next week.
My baby, I just love you!
That's it.
How you doing, boys
Not much time left.
Don't worry, you'll be showing it
to the brass right on schedule.
Controls all checked out, professor.
Good, good, I'm working out all the
bugs on the cartoon machine too.
-She'll be ready.
-What a team.
-He's got the brains, and we've got--
-What
-The enthusiasm.
-That's better.
Larry! Joe!
-Shut it off!
-Turn it off!
Shut it off!
-Joe!
-Cut the motor off, Larry boy!
Pull the lever on the
compression chamber.
Larry! Joe! Shut off this thing!
-Larry! Joe! Help!
-Shut it off!
Hurry!
Shut it off, boys!
I'm sorry, Moe. It was an accident.
Oh. Well, this is on purpose.
Polka Dot. Sweetens the breath,
brightens the teeth. Tastes like pizza!
Polka Dot toothpaste,
for the smile of youth and beauty.
Polka Dot toothpaste,
for the smile...
...of glamour and beauty.
-Wait a minute, lunkhead.
-Why, what's the matter I'm busy.
-You're busy
-Yeah.
Get another big bag of water. The
airfield's in the middle of the desert.
So it's in the middle of the desert.
How you coming, professor
Oh, this will do for the demonstration.
My own secret fuel.
Got more get-up-and-go
than anything ever on the market.
-I don't believe you said that.
-Well, I did because it's true.
-Someone to see you, Father.
-Hello.
-She's all gassed up and ready to go.
-Wonderful.
I thought everything was set
for day after tomorrow.
It is, but Col. Lane would like to have
you at the base a bit ahead of time...
...to kind of go over the details.
He invited the area commander,
Gen. Bixby.
-Gen. Bixby!
-Tom's arranged to fly you there...
-...in his plane. I can go too.
-If it's all right with you, sir.
-Yes. Oh, but the machine--
-Don't worry about that.
-We'll get her there okay.
-Professor, you go with the captain.
-And leave the driving to us.
-They'll take good care of it.
-No, I'm more familiar with it--
-See you at Baldwin Air Force Base.
I wouldn't want anything
to go wrong, honey.
Don't worry, professor,
you left everything in good hands.
Don't worry, professor,
you left everything in good hands.
All right, let's get this mockingbird
on the road.
Here.
Moe!
Moe, we got a problem!
What do you mean,
we got a problem
All you have to do is drive this thing
right through that door. What--
Oh, no, it can't be.
Yes, it can. The machine is too big
to go through the door.
-Get away from here.
-What's that for
That's for not thinking of it before.
Now you guys get busy...
...and widen that door a few feet
while I check the controls.
-So we'll widen the door.
-All right, all right, take it easy.
-We'll widen the door.
-Go get the tools.
The tools there.
There's a dandy.
Yeah, you work on that side,
and I'll work over here.
Pick out a good spot here.
-That ought to do it.
-Hey, bubblebrain!
-What
-You're using the wrong side.
Wrong side
Oh, yeah.
How silly can you get
-Wait, you're still doing it wrong.
-What do you mean
-You mind if I show you
-No, but I, I'm--
Look, take this. See, when you got
a tool with two heads on it...
...and the first head is pointy, you take
it right there and the pointy part...
...goes right in that wall there.
-That's where the pointy part belongs.
-Yeah, how stupid can you get
I don't know, I guess you can get
pretty stupid if you're like me.
Boy, oh, boy.
Here we go.
Termites
-Larry! Larry!
-What's the matter
-Did you hit yourself
-No, I didn't hit myself.
Something hit me through that hole
there. Come right out, hit me.
-You see, you see.
-You're crazy, there's nothing in there.
What do you mean,
there's nothing there
-Larry, Larry! Again. Again.
-What did you do, hit yourself again
Didn't hit myself again.
It came through the hole again.
-Oh, don't bo--
-You'll see it. Look, can you see it
-See it
-There's nothing there!
-Now get to work!
-All right, so there's nothing there--
Oh, yeah What--
Oh, no.
You're still playing around
We got work to do.
I ain't playing around with--
Good work, boys!
At last, you did something right.
But, Moe, we didn't--
-Did we
-Come on, boys, hop aboard.
We don't want to keep
the professor waiting.
Get in there, come on.
Attaboy.
-I hope you can make it.
-There's not very much room there.
Have no concern.
When I throw this throttle in, we will
ease slowly through the opening.
Twenty-two minutes late!
I can't wait for this thing much longer.
Sorry, general, but the captain
assured me that it'd be here.
Here it comes!
Let's make a snappy entrance.
Believe me, this is going to be
something you'll never forget.
Hey, boys!
Right here!
There's the professor.
Hi, professor!
-It's Moe! Moe's driving it!
-Come back here!
Look out, professor!
Shut her down, you bubblebrain.
Well, professor, perhaps your
machine isn't quite ready yet.
Oh, yes, it is, sir.
Besides, I want you people to have it...
-...before the Martians get it.
-That's a very good--
-What did you say
-The Martians, they want it.
Look, the airplane!
-Put on your brakes!
-I can't find a pedal.
-Use the emergency!
-The emergency.
-You mean this
-Yeah.
The airplane!
-That was close.
-You did it.
You got us over that,
boy, you are a doll.
Col. Lane,
get that ship off the field!
-Ground that thing, that's an order!
-That's an order!
Don't look now,
but I think we're being followed.
-Maybe we'll get a ticket.
-Hey, can you get one for my friend
Come on.
The bookstore!
Bookstore!
Up, up, up!
Easy does it.
You came through again, Moe.
Bookstore!
Come on, you idiot.
Look out, girls!
Hey, Moe, you're heading
for the general!
Look out,
you'll knock him on his brass!
See that that goes back
where it belongs.
Eyes right!
Sir!
I wish to report--
Now see here!
Oh, dear me.
-Andrews!
-Yes, general
What have you got to say
Well, I'm sorry I listened
to that old crackpot, sir.
-Father, we're going home.
-Carol! Wait a minute, I'll take you.
No, thank you.
This time we'll take the bus.
And leave the court-martial to us!
How do you like that
Visibility zero.
-Yeah, and you can't see either.
-No, you--
Get that map out of my face!
You want me to wreck the ship
I want to see what road we're on.
You applebrain, we haven't been
on a road since we left the air base.
-How are we fixed for gas
-How are we fixed for gas
Well, the arrow's pointing halfway...
...so I don't know
whether it's half-empty or half-full.
-Remind me to wallop you later.
-I'll make a note of it.
I'll do it now.
What are we stopping here for
-What are you stopping for
-I didn't stop it. It's the engines.
Well, come on,
we got a repair job to do.
You are about to witness a test of
the Navy's new atomic depth charge...
...which has been placed
at the base of this tower.
This is the bomb.
Powerful enough to destroy
every enemy submarine...
...within a radius of 6 miles.
And utterly devastate
an equal area on land.
The bomb is adjusted
to maximum sensitivity.
The slightest contact with moisture
will set it off.
However, for test purposes...
...it will be exploded by dropping water
on it from this tower.
The countdown will now begin.
Gentlemen, put on
your safety glasses.
Well, that takes care of the distributor.
Just had a little sand in it.
-Give me the carburetor.
-Give me the carburetor!
Give me the carburetor,
give me the carburetor.
Here it is.
Seven, six....
Three, two....
-Hurry up!
-Here you go.
One of those crazy
desert cloudbursts.
What happened
Gentlemen, I don't understand it.
That was enough water
to detonate a dozen bombs.
-Boy that was tight, but I made it fit!
-Yeah.
All it takes is a little know-how.
Hey, what are you doing,
swimming in a mirage
-No, fellas, I was just standing there--
-Yeah, yeah, just standing there.
Well, stop standing there
and climb aboard!
Climb aboard, all right,
climb aboard.
Down with the hatch!
There's some kind of vehicle
out there.
Gentlemen, someone has stolen
the bomb!
Security! Security, this is an
emergency, an emergency!
All right, now, men, hear this.
This is it.
Contact.
-Boy, what power!
-If the professor could see us now!
All because we cleaned a little sand
out of the distributor.
Yeah.
-Talent shows.
-It does
-Take over, I'll check the Fathometer.
-Okay.
-Hey, we're not doing too bad.
-Okay up there.
Hey, fellas, get a load of the news.
Officials of Los Amigos
Proving Grounds...
...were thrown into consternation
when a new atomic depth charge...
...was mysteriously stolen from its test
site seconds before being detonated.
-How do you like those crooks
-Authorities warn...
...the tremendous destructive power
of this bomb...
...will be unleashed at once
on the slightest contact--
Can you imagine stealing
an atom bomb
It just shows you how stupid
some people can get.
-Get away from there!
-All right.
-As you were!
-All right, I'm sorry.
-But it's disgusting, I'll say that.
-Yes, you are.
Not me, the people
who stole the bomb, stupid.
We're flying!
A lake.
Full speed on the choppers!
We haven't gone underwater yet.
Let's try the submarine bit.
You lamebrain, you saw what
happened with sand in the distributor.
What will happen with water
in the carburetor
-So, what could possibly happen
-You could possibly get a busted skull!
All right, all right.
-We're flying!
-We're in the air!
-Blue water.
-Blue water.
Remember, keep your cotton-picking
fingers off that orbit button.
-What do you think, I'm dumb
-I don't think, I know.
Well, I don't think you know either.
As I was saying, keep your cotton-
picking fingers off the orbit button.
-What do you think I am, dumb
-I don't think, I know.
-Well, I don't think you know either.
-Come on.
Hey, didn't we just do that
-Did you see what I just saw
-A flying submarine
-Flight 707 to Control--
-No, not a flying submarine.
-No, we didn't see it.
-No, no, no, we didn't see a thing.
I know the boys did their best,
but it's plain...
...my machine wasn't ready
after all.
I just hope
they didn't injure themselves.
I guess Tom was right,
maybe I am just an old crackpot.
-Oh, Father, it's not true.
-It is, Carol, it is.
As far as that flying
buzz saw is concerned.
Not this camera, honey. This is gonna
work just like I promised.
I'll make it up to them.
-Hi, professor!
-Hi, Carol!
-Boys, boys, am I glad to see you!
-We were so worried!
-I don't know what about.
-We got news for you.
We made a few minor adjustments,
and your chariot spins like a top.
You can tell the Air Force
to order another demonstration.
-We'll really show them something.
-In due time, due time, boys.
-Wait till you see the surprise I've got.
-Surprise
Okay, professor, don't get excited.
Okay, what
Well, here she is, fellas, all finished.
Hey, that's wonderful!
But will it work
Certainly! Don't you have
any confidence in the professor
Don't forget, boys, this is the 10th,
the day your contract expires.
-You've only got until 600 tonight.
-Six o'clock. By golly, he's right!
Don't worry, I'll get you under the wire.
We'll make a test film right now...
-...and rush it to the studio.
-You have things to do. I better get out of your way.
-Okay, Carol, good night.
-We'll see you.
Move this thing around and get
some lamps. We'll need lots of lights.
-We'll put it right about here.
-Bring in that 10k over there, Larry.
Come over here and get yourself
assembled in a position so I can....
Good, good!
Now we'll get some makeup...
...and you'll be all set here.
That's it. Very good.
-Oh, good. Yeah.
-Yeah, and now.... That's it.
-That's it. Good.
-Okay, professor.
Now, I'll get your special costumes.
Don't worry about the makeup.
It's a special quick-drying
polyunsaturated titanium.
Well, if it's that quick-drying
polyunsaturated titanium...
-...what have we got to worry about
-You are very glib today, professor.
Well, thank you very much!
-What are you doing Watch it.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch it--
That's it, the makeup. Just a little--
All right, all right, that's it.
Go ahead. Wait, a little bit
under your eyebrows.
-Well, you take care of it, sir.
-There you are. There.
-Just a dash.
-Thank you. You are so kind.
Hi. Oh, Carol, please. Look, it's only
fair to let the defense have its say.
-It seems to me you've had your say.
-I wanna make up for it.
-To you as well as to your father.
-My father's busy now.
Then I can explain it to you,
and you can explain it to him.
It was utter chaos. I was nervous.
I mean, after all, a general with a....
Carol, listen.
That does it.
Now, how about a little act Anything.
-I know something--
-How about the--
Oh, sure! I got it, the thing they're all
going daffy about!
-Got a radio, professor
-Over there.
-Okay.
-Yeah, music, that's what we need.
What's the matter
Are you killing ants
-No, that's the latest dance step.
-Dance step
-Sure.
-If you say so.
Good, good!
We're rolling!
Deadline is 6, remember. You can
wash up in there. I'll wait in the car.
-Gotta change clothes too.
-Meet you at the studio.
-Okay, hurry now.
-You look funny.
All right, come on,
you abominable snowman.
-Go in there.
-We'll get washed up--
-What a character.
-Cut it out.
Boy, it's gonna feel good
to get out of this stuff.
-Stop clowning and talk English.
-Stop clowning and talk English.
It wasn't me. It was them guys.
-Who are those jokers
-Why, they're actors.
Can't you see the makeup
The professor probably hired them...
-...before we got here.
-Foreign actors.
-Well, you're too late, boys. Beat it.
-See your agent.
Get some of that off.
Take the machine at once.
Destroy the Earth as you leave.
Destroy the Earth!
Give me the shovel.
Hey, Larry.
I knew you'd understand.
-Who are they
-I don't know.
Come on, Joe,
we gotta stop those Martians.
Yeah, they're gonna blow up
the whole world.
Oh, they can't do that!
We won't get our social security.
Come on.
That gun wasn't there before.
-The boys! Moe!
-Larry!
Hold it!
-They're gonna shoot!
-Let's get out of here!
Not there!
Here!
What--
Operator, get me Air Force
headquarters, Los Angeles. Hurry!
But, Gen. Bixby,
I saw them with my own eyes.
They must be from outer space!
Now see here, Andrews.
Not content with wasting my time with
that cockamamie washing machine...
...you have the colossal nerve to tell
me it's been hijacked by Martians!
Send all available interceptors,
alert all bases.
-An attack could come any moment!
-Attack, eh
Whom are you trying to kid
Good heavens!
Hello, operator
Operator!
-Now the line is dead.
-Maybe Father can help.
Get me Washington,
get the chief of staff!
That's right, this is a red alert!
Repeat, red alert!
That's right, scramble flights
I want every available plane
in the air!
There's only one thing to do, men.
We've gotta get in
and knock those freaks out.
We can't go in there.
They've got the space guns.
-Yeah, Larry's right, but I got an idea.
-Save it. I got a better idea.
We'll disable the engine, see
Then this crate has to go down.
-Yeah.
-Come on.
-We got nothing to worry about now.
-That's what you think. Look!
Get out of there!
You almost got a cheap haircut.
Hey, fellas, no! We're with you!
We're on your side!
See, fellas! Look at that,
they're going around, they're--
Look.
They're on the ground
Turn it over to the Army!
Elements of the Army, Marines,
Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard...
...are being mobilized to shoot down
the invaders attacking the city from the sky.
Civil defense authorities are warning
all civilians to keep off the streets.
Oh, no, not Disneyland!
What are you doing out there
The Air Force!
The Army!
Get those planes back in the air!
The Army!
The Army!
The Air Force!
Yeah, the Army!
The Air Force! The Army!
They are You're sure
Adm. Willoughby.
They're over the ocean now.
You're on.
Hey, fellas, look.
-Just like an atomic bomb.
-Atomic bomb, you idiot
Everybody knows an atomic bomb
makes a great big flash.
A big flash--
Didn't they say on the radio yesterday
an atomic bomb was stolen from the desert
That's right. So where did all this
sudden power come from
Are you sure you handed me
a carburetor back there in the desert
-Well, I had sand in my eye.
-You had sand in your brains too.
Come on, sandy, let's take a look.
Look, AEC.
Automobile Exchange Company.
See, it's a rebuilt carburetor.
AEC is Atomic Energy Commission.
That's the bomb!
A bomb! Oh, Moe!
Moe, what are we gonna do
What do you usually do
when somebody mails you a bomb
I mail it back.
You birdbrain, you dunk it in water
and put it out of commission.
-Oh, right.
-Larry, go get the water.
-Sometimes I think you're dumb.
-Dumb Well!
Fantastic! Incredible!
What do you say, Lansing
-Oh, yes, yes, quite.
-Quite.
Son, this here new process
is exactly what I've been looking for.
-I kind of thought you'd like it.
-Like it I love it!
I'll double their salaries
and give them a 10-year contract.
But they gotta be here on time,
or it's no deal.
It's two minutes to 6 right now, G.G.
They won't make it.
I know them, they're off
dilly-dallying somewhere.
-Hey, the cannon.
-Cannon
If they ever hit those gasoline tanks,
they'll blow the whole city up!
-Hurry up!
-I'll get them.
Oh, no! Larry, Moe, I'm stuck!
Help, help!
I'm stuck! Help!
-Hey, Moe, look!
-A periscope! I'll take care of that.
Take it easy, kid!
Give me that.
When I chop off this tower...
...it's gonna go down,
so watch yourself.
--has just crashed into the sea
off the California coast.
We repeat, the danger is over.
The machine carrying the invaders
just exploded in the Pacific Ocean.
The invaders plummeted
into the water...
...with a devastating explosion
of atomic magnitude.
Navy sources report
the huge mushroom cloud...
...is still visible for over 30 miles.
We repeat, the danger is over.
The machine carrying the invaders
has exploded in the Pacific Ocean.
They'll never make it. Thirty seconds
more and their contract expires.
Just in time!
Congratulations, boys!
I never thought you'd make it.
A promise is a promise.
-We said we'd drop in.
-On our heads
If you can't lick them, join them!