Threesome (1994) Movie Script

The word "deviant"comes
from the Latin roots...
de, meaning "from"...
and via, "the road. "
One who wanders
from the road or gets lost.
One who separates from the crowd.
Of course nowadays it refers to someone
whose sexual practices are abnormal.
This is the story
of Stuart, Alex and me...
and how, for a while,
we became deviants...
in both senses of the word.
Don't do it!
It's a trap! Run away!
It's been said that anyone
who wants to live in a dormitory...
must either be a mental defective
or a freshman.
I was neither.
I was a junior transfer student...
and I thought living in a dorm
couldn't be that bad.
I've never been quite that wrong
before or since.
- Hi.
- Hi. Eddy Howe.
I think I'm supposed
to sign something.
Yeah, here you go.
- Here.
- Thank you.
- Here's your key, and there you go.
- Where do I go?
- Upstairs.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Fresh meat.
- I saw him first.
Who are you?
I guess I'm your new roommate Eddy.
I thought they were gonna let me
keep the twin as a single.
Fuck!
It's nice to meet you too.
What I quickly realized
about Stuart...
was that he lacked that part
of the brain which would stop him...
from saying things that might be
offensive to other people.
I also realized that we couldn't
have been less suited as roommates.
- Fore!
- But we managed to get along.
In fact, there developed a bizarre
equanimity in the relationship.
A balance.
I showed Stuart how to make his bed
with hospital corners...
Lick the salt, drink the drink,
suck the lime. One, two, three.
and in return
Stuart taught me how to drink.
I wrote Stuart's
English papers for him...
and he bought me dinner.
I cleaned the bathroom...
and he took care of the laundry.
Sometimes he borrowed
things of mine...
and sometimes I borrowed
things back.
You think it's real funny, don't you?
How's this? Ready?
Stuart would be quiet
so that I could study...
and I gave him time alone
to socialize with friends.
This delicate equilibrium
in the relationship...
was soon upset by an arrival.
The other room in the suite,
a single, had remained empty...
until one day.
Whoever he is,
he isn't very friendly.
But we soon met.
Stuart, did you go to class or just
stay in bed and masturbate all day?
You know, I've been...
Would you please get outta here?
It's a coed dorm.
What's the problem?
It's coed within the building.
It's not within the rooms.
So?
So the polite thing for you to do
is go down to the housing office...
tell them there's been a mistake, and
they need to get you boys new rooms.
No, we were here first.
Besides, it's your fault.
Why didn't you use Alexandria
or whatever your full name is?
Alex is my full name.
- It sounds like a man's name to me.
- I think it's lovely.
Wow, she's amazing.
Truly amazing.
Amazing grace
It's not Grace. It's Alex.
Amazing Alex
" Hendrickson, Alex. Male. "
I'm a female. Trust me.
According to our files,
you're male.
Okay...
let's just suppose for a second...
that I'm a female.
What would happen then?
I'd have to put you
on the transfer waiting list...
and your name would probably
come up in eight to twelve weeks.
There's a severe housing shortage
in the area.
- Would you consider living off-campus?
- I can't afford it.
I can put you on the transfer
waiting list...
but I'll need official verification
that you are indeed a female.
Next.
It's only temporary.
I mean, till I can find something.
I just... I'm not asking anyone
to do anything silly...
like put down the toilet seat.
I'm just asking that when you're done
voiding your bowels, you flush.
After we're done
"whating" our "what"?
She means flush after you take
one of those big dumps, moron.
Is that what you mean?
That's a shame.
I'm so proud of those.
You know, in some countries,
the size of a man's crap...
is a sign of his masculinity.
She avoided us.
What was it
that kept her away?
I just love the smell
of her dirty panties.
For some unknown reason,
Stuart was confident she'd come around.
I need to talk to you.
Yes, Alex?
If you don't stop
eating my yogurt...
I know it was you...
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
You make murder sound
so sexual, Alex.
Get that crap to go.
I wanna work on her.
She doesn't like you, all right?
When's it gonna penetrate?
As soon as you go away, maybe.
Now wrap it up and get it
to go quickly. Go now.
Eat shit now.
- One, two, three.
- Don't do that.
- Go. Get out of here.
- You're a neanderthal. You know that?
- I know that.
- No, you're really growing.
You're growing as a person.
That's important.
- You should show Alex that.
- Will you get outta here?
No, I have to order
another slice of pizza.
I think there's a danger
in our being overfriendly.
How can we be overfriendly
if we aren't even friendly?
He's got a point.
That's a great book.
You're gonna love it.
I've read it four times.
You know, I've often felt like
the main character, Holden Caulfield.
No, you're not Holden Caulfield.
He's Stradlater,
the obnoxious roommate.
The one that thinks he's a stud and
borrows Holden's coat without asking...
and stretches it out
and doesn't apologize.
It's a good book.
I always felt like
the little sister.
- Phoebe?
- Yeah.
Have you read Franny and Zooey
or Nine Stories?
Yeah. They're not as good, though.
You know, one time my mom...
She actually metJ D Salinger.
- Really?
- She threw up on his front lawn.
Really?
Yeah, she was on vacation
in Maine with her best friend...
and they met these two sailors
who were in port for the night.
They got really drunk
and these sailors took them out.
Before long, Alex and I were
wrapped in conversation...
and Stuart was not.
Look, I wasn't trying to horn in
on your situation, okay?
I'm not interested in her anyway.
Whatever.
I don't want to talk about it.
Sorry.
Gimme your toothbrush.
- Why?
- Give me your toothbrush.
- I don't want to.
- Gimme the goddamn toothbrush!
I would not have spilled
my father's blood...
or listened to those
who called me my mother's wife.
And now I am God-shunned...
the daughter of a mother defiled...
and I have taken my turn
in my mother's bed.
If there is any tragedy
greater than all others...
it belongs to me.
Pretty awful, huh?
I just don't understand
why anybody would do...
a lesbian version of Oedipus Rex.
I thought it was good.
- You did?
- Yeah. I really liked it.
Stuart, you don't have to worry
about hurting my feelings.
I know it was a piece of crap.
I thought you were good.
I thought everybody was really good.
- I liked it.
- What'd you think?
The translation was bad.
Direction was nonexistent.
Somebody should call the acting police
on a couple of those actresses.
Costumes looked like
a bad night at Caesar's Palace.
Other than that,
I thought it was great.
You were wonderful.
You made the best out of your part.
I agree with all that.
I think you guys are being
too hard on it.
You're a business major. This is art.
The work is what's important here.
It's better to be honest
than to be nice, okay?
Fuck me for being nice.
- Wait, Stuart.
- Just let him go.
It's better just the two of us.
A toast to bigger and better things.
A toast to bigger and better things.
Professionally or personally?
I was speaking professionally...
but as the big dude says, a man is happy
when he has both work and love.
The big dude?
Yeah, unfashionable
though he may be, Freud.
I love Freud,
unfashionable though he may be.
- I should go.
- No.
Come on. Just sit down for one second.
You mind if I change?
No.
I just really want everything
to be perfect for this moment.
Are we having a moment?
How about this?
That's perfect.
This?
Great.
They're both excellent choices.
I hate them.
It's kinda pointless.
Don't you think?
What is?
Putting on clothes.
When I just want to take 'em off.
Well, some people say it's pointless
to make your bed every morning...
just 'cause you're gonna
unmake it every night...
but I still think
it's nice to make your bed.
- My bed's made.
- Yeah. You did a really good job too.
- I'm gonna kiss you now.
- I should...
- What are you doing?
- Guess.
- Let's talk about this first.
- Let's not.
- Am I hurting you?
- No. Could you get off me now?
- You want me to get you off?
- No, I...
What are you doing?
- You smell good.
- Alex, I...
Alex, I don't know.
- I don't know if this...
- I think you're at a loss for words.
Eddy, come back!
- Then what did you do?
- I didn't know what to do, all right?
She kissed me,
and it snowballed into this insanity.
You didn't get anything?
You didn't look down her dress?
- Cop a little feel? Goose her? Nothing?
- No. I told her to stop touching me.
- Why didn't you just fuck her?
- Yeah, right.
The girl was on her knees,
undoing your fly with her teeth.
She's in the perfect position
to at least get a blow job.
- You wouldn't understand.
- You're right. I wouldn't understand.
The girl wants you to fuck her,
you fuck her.
Unless you're doing
the asexual thing.
- The what?
- It's a classic.
What are you talking about?
You act like you're a fag,
the two of you become good friends...
you start to share clothes,
she starts to confide in you...
and then, "boom,"
you go for her tits.
It's brilliant,
if you can pull it off.
Yeah, maybe that's what I'm doing.
Hi.
I think there's something
you should know.
I find libraries very erotic.
The smell of old books.
The silence.
The long aisles.
To be lost in the stacks.
That's very interesting.
- What are you reading?
- Hawthorne.
- Will you read to me?
- Alex, I've got to study for this.
Please, please, please.
"Soon there emerged
from under a sculpted portal...
the figure of a young girl...
arrayed with as much richness of taste
as the most splendid of the flowers.
Beautiful as the...
day...
and with a bloom
so deep and vivid that...
Oh, my!
one shade more
would have been too much.
She looked redundant with life,
health and energy...
all of which attributes were bound
down and compressed, as it were...
and girdled tensely
in their luxuriance...
by her virgin zone. "
Are you all right?
Golly...
I love big words.
Right there?
She came right there?
I think so. I don't know.
Don't tell her I told you, all right?
What do you think I am,
some kind of a sleazebag?
Then what happened?
- Nothing. I was reading.
- What were you reading?
Hawthorne.
Nathaniel Hawthorne.
Moby Dick.
That's good.
That's Herman Melville.
Whatever.
So?
So, Eddy, this is a major discovery.
This girl... She is a live wire
of sexual energy.
You're telling me.
Doesn't that excite you?
I mean, don't you want to just
take this girl and, like...
grab her and just fuck her?
Maybe.
There's no maybes about it.
The next time you're in that situation,
you slide her off that table...
and you pull up her skirt.
Rip her panties off
with your teeth.
With your teeth. That's good.
And then take your fingers... No.
At that moment, I was indeed
becoming sexually excited...
but not over Alex.
Then all of a sudden you just
shove it right in.
As Stuart went on and on,
I realized finally...
that it was he I lusted after.
Right when you're about to come,
just squeeze it at the end and...
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Stuart went on to say he had never
felt as strongly for any girl...
as he did for Alex, and since
I was indifferent, he had to have her.
He would stop at nothing.
Even if it meant being...
an intellectual.
What are you doing here?
Reading.
Stuart, have you ever set foot
in this library before?
In any library, for that matter?
Well, last time I checked,
the purpose for college...
was educational advancement.
Eddy told you what happened
yesterday, didn't he?
What are you talking about?
It's not gonna happen.
It's nothing personal.
There's just no magic.
So just cool it, okay?
You don't need magic.
Really? What do I need?
What you need...
is a long...
hard...
phantasmagoric...
fuck.
- I don't like you, Stuart.
- That's okay.
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
You know, you really shouldn't
deprive the body of what it needs.
"Alexei Fyodorovitch Karamazov...
was the third son
of Fyodor Pavlovitch Karamazov... "
What are you doing?
Dostoevsky.
You try too hard.
That's your whole problem.
You were just about ready
to tap into something...
completely savage and emotional...
and you ruin it by trying to be
something you're not.
I'm sorry.
You're not an intellectual.
Accept it.
I accept it.
Now can we try this again? Please?
No!
Shit.
- I've been looking for you.
- You have?
- We need to talk.
- We do?
- Why are you backing away from me?
- I'm not backing away from you.
I'm just walking backwards
while you're walking forwards.
I forgive you for telling Stuart
about what happened in the library.
I apologize for my exuberance.
I don't apologize
for my exuberance!
I revel in it! And I wanna know
what the story is with you!
Why are you so standoffish with me?
Tell me.
Why won't you kiss me?
Why?
- Look, you see, it's--
- What?
- Never mind.
- What?
- I can't tell you!
- Tell me.
I'm sexually ambivalent.
Ambivalent about sex in general,
or ambivalent about sex with me?
Ambivalent about sex with girls.
You don't like girls.
I like them.
I just don't wanna have sex with them.
You know...
I suspected it.
You did?
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Let's go get a drink.
How many men have you been with?
- Alex, come on.
- Just tell me.
All right.
The truth is...
except for a few
botched attempts with girls...
I'm a...
You know.
Oh, God.
I haven't slept with anyone.
- You haven't been with a man yet?
- No, not with anyone.
Then you're not gay!
You're a blank slate!
I'll mold you into a heterosexual
with my bare hands.
Drama major.
Okay, fine. Just do me a favor.
Don't tell Stuart, all right?
- Sure.
- You promise?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Were you just looking
at my butt?
No.
You weren't just looking
at my butt?
Don't know
what you're talking about.
Eddy, I've been thinking
about something.
That's good.
I think you were checking out
my butt the other day.
I was not.
I think you were.
I don't care what you think.
Are you a homo?
Fuck off.
It's okay if you are.
Doesn't bother me.
I'm secure enough in my own sexuality
to not feel threatened by it.
I have a very hip attitude
about this sort of thing.
My mom had a lot of gay friends.
You know, it's not a good time to be
a sexually promiscuous homo.
You ever butt-fucked anybody?
Jesus!
No? You ever been butt-fucked?
Please, Stuart. Please shut up.
All right?
I'm not gonna finish writing
this paper for you unless you shut up.
Look, I don't have anything
against homos.
I mean, you are what you are, right?
And it's okay
if you look at my butt.
It's a nice butt.
I know that.
Will you stop saying
the word "butt"?
- But...
- That's it.
Hey, Eddy, this paper's due tomorrow.
What am I gonna do?
Guess what?
What?
- Eddy is a proud home owner.
- A what?
A homeboy.
Homo erectus.
- A fag.
- I didn't say that.
You didn't deny it.
I don't believe it.
You can't say "fag. "
It's like when one black guy
calls another "nigger. "
You can't say it
unless you are one.
You just said "nigger,"
and you're not a black guy.
It's okay, though,
'cause I'm a fag.
You see?
What'd I tell you?
- Stop saying that word.
- He is what he is.
He doesn't know what he is.
He's confused.
He's not confused about my butt.
Do you like boys or girls?
The truth is,
sometimes both are attractive.
- Of course they are.
- But if you think it through...
gay sex, by definition,
is better than straight sex.
Get the fuck outta here.
- No, I have a theory.
- I would love to hear this.
Well, as I see it,
it all has to do with equipment...
and the correct use
of that equipment.
Now, if you have male genitalia,
as I do...
and you're sleeping with someone
who also has male genitalia...
then you have firsthand knowledge
of how their equipment works.
You know where
the pressure-sensitive points are.
You know what buttons to push.
On the other hand, if you're a man
having sex with a woman or vice versa...
then you really never know
how they feel.
You don't know if they really feel great
or if they're just faking it.
Wow.
No. No.
Straight sex is better than gay sex.
It's written in the Bible.
Is that in the King James
or the New World edition?
Look, I just know. Okay?
How do you know, Stuart?
I mean, have you compared the two?
Have you?
Surely you admit
that lesbian sex...
is more satisfying to women
than hetero sex, right?
I mean, that's an established fact.
Everybody knows that.
I've grown tired.
Look, no matter what happens,
somebody's gonna get screwed.
Who's gonna get screwed?
I think you guys know
what I'm talking about.
I think it's destructive
and dangerous.
What is?
Don't act stupid.
He's not acting, Alex.
Okay, look.
You have the hots for me,
I have the hots for him...
and sooner or later,
he's gonna have the hots for you.
Sounds pretty hot to me.
Let's make a vow.
Sacred vow.
The three of us
are gonna be friends, and that's it.
I mean, aren't you guys tired
of this whole sex thing?
How can I be tired of this whole
sex thing if I haven't had any sex?
Well, then, have sex with someone
outside our little circle.
Sex with strangers.
That sounds wise.
Forget about that.
But as far as the three of us go,
let's just be friends.
No sex.
Yes, Stuart?
Do blow jobs count as sex?
I'm not gonna blow you, man,
and that's final.
Come on!
Okay?
Okay.
Sacred vows are all
very well and good...
but only moments later I felt Alex
eyeing my rear end on the way home.
And as we said good night,
Stuart allowed his gaze to linger...
on the gently sloping nape
of Alex's neck.
And I stayed up
for reasons of my own.
But the sacred vow was observed...
at least on the surface...
and we became friends.
Hey, Stuart!
Watch out for the balloons!
I'm gonna kill you!
I'm sorry.
Alex, I'm in here.
Can you please wait?
How about, "Alex, you look so nice"?
Stuart, let's go.
Get outta here!
Get outta here.
- Alex, come on. Get out.
- Don't fucking push me!
I swear I'll hit you. I'm violent.
I'll hit you with it.
It's not funny!
The oddity of our happy little enclave
is lost on no one.
Especially not the lobby lizards.
All I wanna know
is who's doing who.
I heard that Eddy and Stu
are taking turns with her.
I think the guys are gay,
and she's their fag hag.
She's not a fag hag.
You're a fag hag.
- I am not.
- Leave her alone, Stuart.
Leave me alone!
I don't like you.
Stop it.
You're hurting me!
Would you knock it off?
I bruise easily. I have 5,000
gazillion-jillion bruises from you.
- Where did he hurt you? Let me see.
- Look at that.
- Right there? Is that where it hurts?
- Don't you get like that.
Oh, my God.
It's total S&M.
Hi.
How are the three musketeers?
Just one big happy family.
It sounds pretty kinky.
Incest is best.
Right there. Right there.
Unbelievable.
One night, when Alex had the nerve
to go to a party without us...
Stuart and I fell asleep
in her room.
A foul and mysterious odor having
driven us out of our own quarters.
What are you doing in here?
Our room has
a foul and mysterious odor.
Why don't you clean it?
You used to be a clean person. Let's go.
That was before
I moved in with him.
I used to make hospital corners.
Now I don't even wash my sheets.
- Who are you?
- That's Larry. This is Eddy and Stuart.
Hi.
What's his name? "Scary?"
I think he said " Larry. "
- Get out!
- " Larry?"
Yes, " Larry. "
Come on. Let's go. Get out.
Stop kicking at me.
Get out.
- Are you hungry?
- No, thank you.
- I'm sorry.
- No problem.
We should've expected it.
No oaths of exclusivity had been taken.
Quite the opposite.
But, nonetheless, we felt supplanted
by Larry and betrayed by Alex.
The sanctuary
had been trespassed upon.
You're a very special girl.
I think I'd like to get
to know you a lot better.
What are your dreams?
Who is Alex?
Gosh, let's not talk.
You're right.
Let's communicate via
the international language of love.
Twenty. Shit.
- You hungry?
- Am I ever not hungry?
Pizza?
Sounds good.
Okay.
- You think Alex is hungry?
- Let's not forget about Scary Larry.
- Hi. You hungry?
- I hope you burn in hell!
I don't think she's hungry.
I think she's mad.
No, you're mistaken.
You need to call her back up
and make sure you didn't...
ruffle her feathers unnecessarily.
What a good idea.
Hi. It's me again.
Look, I was curious.
Are you angry with me because I called,
or because you're just not hungry?
Hello?
She hung up.
What the fuck is wrong with you guys?
Are you that jealous?
My dear, we're just worried about
a young man that comes a-courtin'.
Is he a Christian?
- Leave me alone.
- Wait.
- What?
- One more question.
It's about his hair.
Is it fiberglass or steel?
We think that Larry...
is very scary.
- And hairy.
- Very hairy.
So be wary...
of very scary hairy Larry.
- Exactly. Yeah.
- Be wary.
Stop!
Stop that!
No!
What's up, bro?
- Guys, it's 3:00 in the morning.
- Shut up!
By the following morning,
we had forgotten about Scary Larry.
I think I found the source
of your foul, mysterious odor.
My sausage and pepperoni
with extra cheese and double anchovy.
I been looking for this.
We never heard from Larry
ever again...
but not two weeks later...
Stuart told us about a slice of hair pie
he'd been trying to get a bite of.
Hip to the lingo,
we knew this meant he'd met a girl...
and was trying
to get her into bed.
How come you never say anything?
I'm shy.
How come...
How come you never introduce me
to any of your friends?
You want to meet my friends?
So the nuns says to the mechanic...
" No, but if you give me a lube job,
I'll throw you some Hail Marys. "
I went to Catholic school...
and all my teachers were nuns.
- I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- No, I...
You didn't, like,
offend me or anything...
but I remember something
that happened with the nuns once.
Well, we took
this field trip once...
and we were on this school bus
that was, like, really old.
So all of a sudden
it just broke down...
and we all got out,
and we waited...
and some of us
started wandering off.
And we came to this path...
that led to this huge,
like, meadow...
that was really pretty.
Then what happened?
Well, it was just
a really pretty meadow.
That's neat.
Will you excuse me?
I have to go use
the ladies room.
She's so sweet.
Will you kick this
into my forehead, please?
Shut up, all right?
I like being around her.
When I'm around her I feel intellectual.
All things being relative.
Besides that she's got
a really great set of titties.
- No, she doesn't.
- She does. I told her the other night.
- I said, "You have great tits. "
- And good, like, grammar, like, too.
Like, great storytelling.
- She's so sweet.
- She's so sweet.
I was out to dinner with her
the other night...
and I asked her
if she liked Scorsese...
and she said,
"Well, I'm really not that hungry. "
We were efficient
at eliminating outsiders.
It seemed the whole world had been
divided into two categories:
those who got the joke,
and those who didn't.
We were the only ones
who got the joke.
I like her.
I think I was
especially stricken.
I thought that if Stuart and Alex
could have been...
genetically merged
into one person...
he or she would have been
the love of my life.
I think not.
I promise you'll enjoy yourself.
Just slowly down...
- Just for a second.
- I don't want to!
Please, just for a second.
Right there.
Okay. All right, stop.
Okay. I understand.
Okay. That's enough. Stop it.
Let go!
Come on, now. This is very serious.
Who else can we think of?
Instead, I had to contend
with their matchmaking notions.
I got it. What about that teacher
of yours in your film class?
You said he was
giving you the evil eye, right?
Stuart, he's 47 years old.
So?
So I don't need to be fixed up,
all right? Let's just drop this.
Yes, you do.
The question is with who.
"With whom. "
I still think it's a job
for a young woman.
He doesn't need pussy.
He needs dick.
Big, hard dick.
Good-bye.
If you're so hot on the idea,
why don't you have sex with him?
Taste of semen makes me gag.
How would you know?
Whose semen were you eating?
My own.
So I see you got "leid," Edward.
What?
Right. Yeah.
That's a good one, Richard.
Front desk dick.
What's up?
Come in, Eddy.
I want you
to say hello to Richard.
- " Hello to Richard. "
- Hello, Edward.
Will you excuse me?
See ya later.
This is really awkward for me.
What is?
Well, when Alex told me what you said,
I was sort of taken aback at first...
but then I realized...
that I have always
felt similarly toward you.
What exactly did she say?
Well, you know,
that you like me...
but that you were too shy
to say anything.
It's funny, you know. I have always
been attracted to shy people.
Maybe it's because
I'm pretty shy myself.
You seem really nervous.
Maybe this is a mistake.
- No, I'm rushing things. Aren't I?
- No, but...
Look, I've thought you were cute
since you moved in, and I...
Really?
Maybe this'll help you relax.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's my fault.
Damn it!
Wait a minute!
Where you going?
Listen to me.
I know what I'm talking about.
If you don't get sex pretty soon...
what'll happen is your dick will just
get smaller and smaller and smaller...
until eventually it'll just shrivel up,
go up inside your body...
and then what do you have?
- A vagina.
- Shut up.
We're sorry.
We'll never meddle in your sex life,
or lack thereof, ever again.
What'd he do,
try to grab your nuts?
No.
He tried to kiss me.
I could see his nose hairs.
His breath was really bad too.
Smelled like kitty litter.
It did. I swear to God.
Here it is.
It's great. Too bad we didn't
bring bathing suits, huh?
Don't be an old fart.
Feels good.
Come on in!
Hurry up!
Come on!
- No.
- Come on, Eddy.
No. It's cold.
It's very cold out here. I'm freezing.
- How come you're sweating?
- It's cold sweat.
Please?
Come on!
No one's looking.
Come on.
It feels good on your balls.
That's nice, Stuart.
That's very nice.
Look, the moon's showing.
It's really cold!
I'm grabbing the rock.
I'm gonna drown.
I want everyone to stay
with their fun buddy.
Nobody leaves
their fun buddy, okay?
Hey, look!
Oh, no.
Let's go.
Terry, Mary, let's go.
This way.
Alex said that the priest
symbolized God...
the children, lost innocence...
and the three of us,
a postmodern Eve with two Adams...
banished from the sacred garden...
to wander in the wilderness for eternity
because we had sinned.
We had acknowledged our own nakedness
and partaken of the forbidden fruit.
Though it amounted to only a kiss...
a touch... it changed everything.
Pandora's proverbial box
had been opened...
but, more interestingly...
I'm not sure any of us
wanted it closed again.
Want some pizza?
No. I'm fat.
Alex, you're not fat.
You're skinny.
I'm so fat.
You know,
I've been giving it some thought.
I think you are fat.
Don't toy with my emotions.
Come here.
Comfort me.
I've been so depressed.
Me too.
We don't hang out
like we used to.
Let's comfort each other.
Put your head on my breast.
Is this a sex thing?
Will you just be human for once?
Put your arms around me.
And relax.
What are you doing, Alex?
I'm lovingly stroking your hair.
You can't stand to be
alone with me, can you?
You always want to have
Stuart along for the ride.
- It's true, isn't it?
- Yeah, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
You're afraid of women.
You hate women.
Why do you hate women?
Just stop it.
Stop it, all right?
I don't hate women.
I don't understand why we can't just
sit here without touching each other.
What's wrong with touching?
You don't try to touch
Stuart all the time, do you?
The only reason you touch me is because
you know I don't like to be touched.
What?
The only reason you're attracted to me
is you know I'm not attracted back.
- That's not true!
- It is true.
You're looking
for a self-destructive situation.
You are a rejection junky,
plain and simple.
What about you? You're the one who's
always drooling all over your roommate!
- Talk about self-destructive!
- I don't drool over him!
Liar!
You know what your problem is?
You're secretly attracted to women,
and you're afraid to admit it!
You're a closet heterosexual!
- I am not.
- Are too.
- Bitch.
- Heterosexual!
Haagen Dazs and brewskies.
Come on, man, we can
make beer floats again.
What the hell was
going on in here?
I hate him!
I do too. So what?
Oh, I'm so sick of this shit!
I'm so sick of it!
It's not normal!
It's not normal,
the three of us living together!
I'm sick of falling in love with guys
who don't give a fuck about me!
I'm not normal!
I need help!
I need medication!
I need money!
Oh, God!
I need a facial!
I need to go on a diet!
I need new shoes!
Oh, God!
Just do something.
Wait, wait, wait!
Here, put it on.
Okay. Okay.
Don't tell Eddy.
It's me. Are you asleep?
Just want to say I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I shouldn't have said any of it.
I'm glad you called.
I was dreaming about you.
You were my mailman.
And you wore those
cute little mailman shorts.
Kept delivering me things
from the Home Shopping Network.
Yeah, yeah. We'll have to
analyze that someday.
Where are you?
I'm just waiting for
my French Cinema class to start.
I was just thinking
about women and men.
Oh, yeah?
I think you were right
about me being afraid of women.
All men are afraid of women because
they're inherently better creatures.
They can bear children,
they can nurse them.
They have an infinitely higher capacity
to be compassionate.
It's like they're
a different species.
You were just sitting there
thinking about this?
Yeah. It's dumb, I know.
No, it's not.
I feel like I understand women more.
They're more inclusive and open.
With men, there's always a feeling
that everything's a competition.
They're so guarded.
Defensive.
Well, I just never feel
competitive with you.
I feel collaborative.
That's the wrong word.
Symbiotic.
Symbiotic.
That's a good word.
That's a really good word.
Listen.
I gotta get to my class.
Wait, Eddy.
Before you go...
will you say some other words,
some really, really big words?
Symbiotic.
Symbiosis.
Profligate.
Sepulchre.
Prevaricate.
Oh, wait, wait.
I got a good one,
I got a good one. Concupiscence.
Concupiscence?
That's a good one!
That's a really good one!
I gotta go.
I'm really glad we had this talk.
Bye.
Oh, God!
What does "concupiscence" mean?
Beats the shit outta me.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out, get out, get out.
I was beginning to realize that
I had something special in Alex.
Here was a woman who was willing
to do anything to have sex with me.
Suddenly something
very interesting happened.
I seemed to actually
will myself into action.
Was a whole new world
opening up to me?
I was having another dream.
I was in a desert...
and I had on this fur bikini...
like Raquel Welch.
And you were there...
as a butcher,
and you had all these sausages.
I must still be dreaming.
No?
This is happening?
This is happening.
Is that how it's supposed to go?
- It was perfect.
- Good.
I'm really glad we did this.
Me too.
That part when my, you know...
was in with your thing and...
- That was good?
- It was great.
Good.
Maybe this should just be
our little secret.
- So?
- So? So what?
So I had sex with a woman.
- What?
- But it wasn't very good, though.
- What woman did you have sex with?
- This girl in my French Cinema class.
Well, fuckin' a, bro!
Yeah, but I didn't
really enjoy it.
You have to change your whole outlook
on this subject matter.
For me, sex, it's like pizza. Even
if it's bad, it's still pretty good.
Okay, fine, whatever.
Just do me a favor. Don't tell Alex.
- Why?
- If she finds out I had sex...
albeit mediocre sex with someone
other than her, she'll get jealous.
Don't worry about that.
This is beautiful!
All you need is a couple more tries.
Before you know it,
you'll be rockin' and rollin'.
The first time you have sex, you're so
flipped out you're actually doing it...
you can't tell whether
you're enjoying it or not.
Come on, man!
God has given you a penis...
and that penis
is meant for fucking.
Ever hear the expression, "The little
head thinking for the big head?"
I live by that. Trust me.
It's a beautiful way to live.
Don't worry about practicing
with somebody alive. I'll get you...
"a blow me up, suck me off,
fuck me" doll.
It'll suck your dick.
You can fuck the shit out of it.
It'll be a beautiful thing.
As Stuart ranted and raved,
something very shocking occurred to me.
I'd always sensed something
strange about Stuart's behavior...
something that set him apart
from your average straight guy.
Could it be that what I'd been looking
for was right under my nose all along?
Could Stuart be a homo?
- Are you with me on this or what?
- Absolutely.
- I know something that you don't.
- What?
I'm not supposed to say...
but I think that Eddy
slept with a girl.
- Who?
- He won't say...
but I think it's some chick
from his French Cinema class.
That's nice.
- You want me to come scrub your back?
- Sure.
He thought you'd be jealous.
I can handle it.
There's really nothing to be jealous
about because he said it was lousy.
- What was?
- The sex.
He said that she was
a lousy lay.
There's nothing worse
than a lousy lay.
I remember this girl
from high school, Monica Bryson.
She was like...
like a piece of fish loaf.
I mean she was really
un-fuckin'- believably bad.
I think that I'd rather have a dog fart
in my face than be with her again.
Ow! You're hurting me.
- With this?
- Yes!
I think you're upset because
I called her a piece of fish loaf.
I apologize.
Perhaps I should've said
she was a skanky, fishy bitch wad.
Just get out!
Just get out! Get out!
So I was a lousy lay, huh?
What did you say?
Never mind! You weren't supposed
to say anything. It was a secret!
I didn't tell him it was you.
Besides, it wasn't lousy.
It was pretty good, considering...
- Considering what?
- Considering that you're a girl!
I shouldn't have.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't know what the hell I know.
I felt like an impostor.
I am so confused.
It's okay. It was fine.
We just need to practice.
I don't think I can. Anyway,
I think I figured out something.
What?
Come on now.
I think Stu is...
What?
I think he likes boys more than he likes
girls. He's just afraid to admit it.
Think about it.
It makes total sense.
He's obsessed with male genitalia. All
he does is talk about cocks and fucking.
He's a complete misogynist.
Women are just objects to him.
He's a total narcissist.
He has intense self-body worship.
He has an absent father, a domineering
mother. And if that's not enough...
he knows all the lyrics
to Oklahoma and The Music Man.
He's a classic closet case.
I know, it's crazy, right?
We don't see what we don't want to see,
but I don't think he knows.
- I'm going to help him find out.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
How much did that bottle cost you?
Money is no object...
when it comes to getting
totally shit-faced.
- Shh. Shh.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
- What do you hear?
What?
How did we get on the ceiling?
- Uh-oh.
- How did we get on the ceiling?
Did you pay
the gravity bill this morning?
I forgot!
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's no problem. I forgive you. Let's
just get back on the floor 'cause...
- What?
- We're going back on the floor.
- Fasten your seat belt.
- Look out, floor!
Back on the floor.
Are you seeing anything?
I told you so.
- Don't. You're gonna ruin everything.
- Look at that.
He's wrong for you!
What are they doing?
Oh, my God!
It's like a devil worship thing.
It's not working.
I don't feel so good.
God!
I'm going to be sick.
Just breathe easy.
That feels good.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Whoa, Eddy.
You'll spoil it.
Spoil what?
The intimacy.
Intimacy?
Eddy, there's not
gonna be any intimacy.
Okay. Just empty sex is fine.
Eddy, are you okay?
Because you're pretty drunk.
And so are you.
I don't like guys, okay?
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
Stuart, you're
a classic closet case.
Eddy, listen to me.
You got all the telltale signs.
You got absent Oklahoma...
Music Mother, the...
I like girls.
I like them a lot.
I fuck them.
No, see, you don't. You talk about
doin' it, but you don't do it.
It's called denial. Right?
I'm an expert at denial.
I can see that a mile away.
So then how come
I'm fuckin' one right now?
I see, you're fucking an imaginary girl,
right now. Is that it?
You've got an imaginary girl?
He's got an imaginary...
It's just me and you here.
Oh, no, she's not imaginary.
She's somebody
that you know quite well.
And every day that you skip off to your
little fuckin' French Cinema class...
we fuck like dogs...
and her name is Alex.
I see.
"I see," said the blind man.
Oh, shit.
Look out!
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Shit, he's bleeding.
Oh, my God.
And then I said that I didn't
like guys. He didn't believe me.
He said I was in denial.
I said, "I like girls. "
He still didn't believe me.
That's when it just came out.
What?
That you and I...
- You know.
- What?
That we're fucking, okay?
You idiot!
- God!
- I was drunk.
He was touching me.
I freaked out.
- That's all I can do from here.
- I don't need any stitches?
Stitches are next semester.
In the morning, I went
to my film class as usual.
Prophetically enough,
they showed an old French film...
about two men and a woman
in a love triangle.
Both the men loved the same woman,
and it slowly made her go insane.
In the end, she killed herself
and one of the men...
by driving her car off
of a bridge.
I understood
the moral of the story...
two's company,
three's pathetic.
I knew what I had to do.
Still not funny.
He's moving out.
I don't want you to move out.
- Why not?
- I don't wanna be alone with him.
I'll move out then.
Okay.
Fuck you.
You wish.
Fuck both of you.
You wish.
Don't you?
I'm pregnant.
I think.
"Within two minutes, the white tab
on the plastic stick may change color.
If the white tab remains white,
the test is negative.
If the tab turns pale blue,
the test is positive. "
If the tab turns pink, you
have been impregnated by a homosexual.
Nothing's happening.
- What do we do if it's positive?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
I mean...
I think I'm gonna be sick.
If I can just get through this part,
everything's gonna be fine.
I just want to get on
to the next part of my life.
This part sucks.
This part sucks?
How's that supposed
to make me feel?
Oh, Eddy, I'm nervous, okay?
I don't think that's it.
You two wanna get the hell out of here
and forget this ever happened!
Why haven't we been
hanging out lately?
How come we haven't talked
in the past couple of weeks, huh?
Maybe you guys can just walk away
and look for something else...
but it's not that easy for me.
Eddy, nobody's gettin' out easy.
Nobody.
You understand that?
Oh, my God.
Just prop your head up.
Stuart, come on.
Oh, Jesus.
What made this happen?
I was...
talking to Jesus.
Did he say Jesus or Elvis?
Jesus.
He said I should cut my penis off...
Oh, God.
because it was the cause
of all my problems.
Stuart, you don't have
to cut your pee-pee off.
You just can't let it
run your life.
Home free. No baby.
The semester and the year
would be over in three weeks...
whereupon Alex would move
to an apartment.
I'll call you guys later.
Stuart went home for the summer
and moved to another dorm in the fall.
I noticed that he never seemed quite the
same after that episode in the bathroom.
We all tried to keep in touch,
but you know how it is.
The next semester
I got a single...
a room all to myself.
Solitude brought out
the worst in me.
It gave me time to brood over
the nature of things.
I wondered how some people can be such a
necessary part of one's life one day...
and simply vanish the next.
Isn't it supposed to last?
We ran into each other
at graduation.
And we had lunch
about a year after that.
It was nice to see them,
but it wasn't like the old days.
Stuart ended up becoming monogamous
to a girl, if you can believe that.
In fact, I heard
they even got married.
Alex, on the other hand, enjoyed
staying single for a long time...
though she admitted to sometimes missing
the rejection from doomed relationships.
Whenever I talk to her, she always
manages to refer to my boyfriend as...
"the other woman. "
My college experience
wasn't what I'd planned.
It bore no resemblance
to the pictures in the brochure.
But I'm not unhappy.
I don't think any of us are.
We got what we needed out of it.
It's kind of like when you go
on vacation. You plan everything out.
But then one day you make
a wrong turn or take a detour...
and you end up in some crazy place
you can't even find on the map...
doing something you never
thought you'd do.
Maybe you feel a little lost
while it's happening.
But later you realize it was
the best part of the whole trip.