Thrill of It All, The (1963) Movie Script
Oh!
Oh! Wonderful!
Oh!
Hi!
- Darling?
- Darling.
I'm pregnant.
# You know it, I know you know it
# Cos I show it
# lmpossible deal to conceal when you feel
# The thrill of it all
# Oh, brother, I got a feeling like no other
# The moment we met
I could bet I would get
# The thrill of it all
# Love can be frightening
# A bolt from the blue
# That tender lightning
# Starts your happy heart a-thundering
I love you
# We know it, I know we know it
# We both show it
# We're walkin' on air
Look-a here, look-a there
# The thrill of it all
# The luckiest pair I declare
# When we share the thrill of it all
# Love can be frightening
# A bolt from the blue
# That tender lightning
# Starts your happy heart a-thundering
I love you
# We know it, I know we know it
# We both show it
# We're walkin' on air
Look-a here, look-a there
# The thrill of it all
# The luckiest pair I declare
# When we share the thrill of it all
# The thrill of it all #
'Dr Schultz,
you are wanted in Surgery Two, emergency.
'Dr Schultz, emergency, Surgery Two.'
- Mr Caputo?
- Yeah, that's me. That's me.
It's a beautiful seven-pound baby girl.
They're fine.
How about that? Seven-pound baby girl!
- H-How much did it weigh?
- Seven pounds.
You can see your wife and daughter now.
- Don't I have to be sterile?
- The nurse will give you a hospital gown.
Thank you, Doc. I mean, thank you, Doctor!
- You're welcome.
- Thanks.
'Dr Gerald Boyer, telephone.
Dr Gerald Boyer, telephone.
'Dr Boyer, telephone, please.'
Dr Boyer.
Who? Mr Gardiner Fra...
Oh, yes, Mr Fraleigh!
How are you, sir? What can I do for you?
Oh, not a thing, my boy.
I'm just calling on behalf
of Mrs Fraleigh and myself.
I can't tell you how utterly delighted
we both are at the news.
You're a positive genius.
I'm afraid you're giving me
more credit than I deserve.
Oh, nonsense.
We're eternally grateful to you, Doctor.
I'm happy to have done what I could.
Just a moment, Doctor.
Doctor, I'm having a family dinner tonight
to celebrate what happened.
It would give us great pleasure
if you and your wife could come.
- That's very nice of you but I...
- Please, don't say no.
I know how busy you must be
but couldn't you look on this visit
as a house call?
It would mean so much to us
if you could be there. Please?
All right, very well. We'll be there.
Thank you, Doctor.
Our chauffeur will pick you up at your home.
Oh, no, it's really no trouble at all. I insist.
- Goodbye, Mrs Fraleigh.
- Goodbye.
Let me do that for you.
Oh!
Come on, now. Sit around here.
Tilt your head back.
I said back, not forward. Come on, now.
I want to shampoo your hair.
- I don't want you to shampoo me!
- Darling, I don't have time for games today.
I have a roast in the oven
and Mommy's very busy.
- I don't want you to shampoo me.
- Maggie, why not?
- Cos that shampoo smells ooky!
- Oh, Lord.
It smells like it always smells.
Smells like the cracks in the school yard.
Can't we use the new soap you bought?
If I didn't have a roast in the oven,
you'd get the pine tar and like it.
- Mommy, the phone is ringing.
- I know it is.
Pick it up, honey, and find out who it is.
Hello? Who is this?
This is Daddy.
Hello, Andy, how's my big...
- It was Daddy.
- Oh, what did he say?
"Hello, Andy."
Answer the phone and tell Daddy
that Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair.
- Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair.
- Ask Daddy what he wants.
Don't hang up...
Oh, no, Andy.
I told Daddy.
You didn't hang up on him again?
Oh, Andrew. Now, this time
ask Daddy what he wants
and don't hang up until Daddy tells you to.
Andy, before you hang up again,
tell Mommy I want to speak with her.
Daddy wants to speak to ya.
I told you that I am shampooing
Maggie's hair.
Ask Daddy what he wants.
Would you do that, please?
Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair
and what do you want?
Just tell Mommy not to prepare dinner
tonight because we've been invited out.
And tell her I'll be home very soon.
'You understand me, Andy?
'Do you understand Daddy?
'Did you understand me, Andy? '
Andy, did you hang up again?
Andy, are you there?
- Daddy, can I hang up now?
- Yes, you can hang up now.
Andrew, come in a minute.
What did Daddy say, honey?
- He said that he's coming home soon.
- Is that all he said?
He also said,
"Andy, did you hang up again?"
You did very well, sweetheart.
You really did.
Does the Happy soap smell better
than the ooky soap?
It does, Mommy.
It smells just like my piano teacher.
- Now I smell just like her.
- Well, that's good.
That's better than smelling like
a school yard any day.
Mommy, can I have a bath and shampoo?
What? You're not due
until tomorrow night. Huh!
Are you sure you don't mind
my leaving now, Mrs Boyer?
- I could serve and leave later.
- I won't hear of it.
- These church socials rarely start on time.
- You go right on.
Besides, I have an excellent helper.
Have you noticed?
Be careful now, honey. Don't drop it.
Well, I guess I'll be going.
I shan't be late.
Thank you so much, Mrs Boyer.
- All right, dear. Goodbye.
- Goodbye!
- Hi.
- Perfect timing.
- Between medium and medium rare.
- Beautiful.
- What was it today?
- A girl.
Didn't Andy give you my message
about our being invited out to dinner?
Oh, no. Who invited us out to dinner?
Mrs Fraleigh, one of my patients.
I told Andy to tell you.
- Well, he didn't.
- That's my boy.
Well, you've still got time to dress.
I've just roasted a $6.34 standing rib roast.
I'll eat it for breakfast.
- Hey, sweetheart.
- What?
Did you know I'm a great doctor?
I've always suspected it.
How did you find out?
I helped a lady become pregnant.
- You did what?
- She's been trying for 20 years.
Oh. Oh, really? Um, what did you do?
I gave her a piece of advice.
I told her and her husband to stop
trying to have a baby.
- You mean stopping did it?
- No, relaxing did it.
- We got a date?
- Mmm.
- What about the children?
- Let 'em get their own dates.
- But I gave Olivia the night off.
- Get a sitter.
To hire a sitter at a dollar an hour
when we're paying a housekeeper,
I just think it's a sin.
Bev, even the best of us sin once in a while.
Tonight's your night.
Now, stop it. Now, come on.
Tell me about Mrs Fraleigh.
Did you really tell her
to stop trying to have a baby?
I told her more than that.
I also told her to take a three-month
ocean cruise with her husband.
That did it, huh?
- That took the pressure off psychologically.
- Mmm.
- How did you know it would work?
- I didn't.
But I had three things working for me.
They were capable,
they loved each other
and there is very little to do
on a three-month ocean cruise.
Oh, you are a great doctor.
- The chauffeur's looking.
- Oh, he doesn't mind.
Excuse me. You don't mind if we kiss
in the back seat?
Not if it pleases you, sir.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
May I have your name, please?
Dr and Mrs Gerald Boyer.
Oh, yes, Mr and Mrs Wingate.
Will you follow me, please?
Mr and Mrs...
Something.
- I'm so glad you could come.
- I'm sorry we're late.
- Sitter problems.
- I can't wait to have that problem.
- So glad to meet you, Mrs Boyer. Doctor.
- Shh!
Shh! Damn!
- Thank you.
- Shh! Damn!
He means me.
Here it comes! Here it comes!
'Before joining the third act
of Happy Playhouse,
'here is a brief word
from our Happy Girl.'
'Hi! I'm Spot Checker.
'I've just been signed
to appear in a motion picture.
'Of course, it's just a small part.
'But all the glamorous movie stars
started out by playing small parts.
'There are so many things
a girl must learn
'before she can become
a glamorous movie star.
'First of all, she has to learn
what clothes to wear and what hairstyle.
'Oh, and how to act.
'A famous star once said to me,
"Spot," she said,
"'it's not enough that you look like a star
or act like a star.
"'You must smell like a star."
'So it was there and then
that I learned about...
'Happy soap - the heavenly soap.
'Lt smells like stars.
'Won't you join me...
'and find true happiness in your bath?
'Just you and a cake of Happy.
Couldn't sell me a cake of that soap.
- That soap saved my life today.
- Who said that?
Put the darn lights on!
- Now, who said that?
- Well, I guess I did.
- Who are you?
- She's with me, sir.
Father, this is Dr Boyer and his wife.
Dr Boyer's my obstetrician.
Oh, yeah! Nice goin', Doc.
Now, young lady,
what the devil did you mean,
"That soap saved my life today"?
It was just a figure of speech, Mr Fraleigh.
How in tarnation can a soap save your life?
Maybe I put it too strongly
but if it weren't for Happy soap,
I'd still be in a hassle with my daughter.
- How's that?
- You really want to hear this?
Yeah. Go on!
Well, um, for years, I've been shampooing
my daughter Maggie's hair
- with a pine tar shampoo.
- Huh?
- With a pine tar shampoo.
- Oh.
- Today she refused to let me.
- Why?
She said the shampoo smelled like
the cracks in the school yard.
- Smelled like what?
- Shut up, shut up! Go on, go on!
Well, she just refused
to let me wash her hair.
Heaven knows she needed it, because
her brother Andrew hit her with a mud ball.
- Ha!
- Why, that little son of a gun.
Because she hit him with one first
right in the mouth.
Ha, ha! Mud ball, right in the mouth. Go on!
Oh, well, she, uh, uh, finally agreed
to let me wash her hair.
But only if I would use Happy soap.
So I did, and she just loved it.
She said that it made her
smell like her piano teacher.
Hear that?
Then her brother Andrew insisted
that I wash his hair with Happy soap.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Mud balls in the mouth! Little kids
that like to smell like their piano teacher.
- Dad, you shouldn't be getting excited.
- Shouldn't be getting excited?
That's the damn trouble with
you young 'uns.
You never know when to get excited!
You should be shoutin' instead of me.
- I should?
- Darn right.
An advertising man.
Don't even know when to shout.
Father, please, we have guests.
If I don't set the sticks of dynamite,
no holes get dug.
Young lady, how would you like to go on
the TV and say what you just said to me?
Uh, what?
- On television.
- Why?
Why? Because I manufacture Happy soap
and I think you can sell it.
But, sir, we've worked so closely
with Spot Checker.
I know how closely you work.
I thought Spot inviting people to join her
in her bath was very effective.
Maybe they're bathing with her
but they aren't using Happy soap.
I like you. Have a nut.
What you said is
what I like to hear on the TV.
- Never did like them skinny starlings.
- "Lets", Dad.
- Let's what?
- Starlets, not starlings.
- Oh, shut up!
- Father, must you?
Yep. Only way to shut him up.
Well, what do you say?
Next Friday on the Happy Playhouse?
Oh, Mr Fraleigh, really. I'm very flattered.
But, um, oh, I couldn't.
- Why not?
- I'm not an actress. I'm a housewife.
Mr Fraleigh, I know my wife.
When she says no...
All I'm asking you to do is
to say the exact thing you said to me.
Only difference is
you'll be saying it to a camera,
and they'll be paying you $332 to say it.
Mr Fraleigh, you're wasting your time.
I know Beverly.
Gerald, um...
if it means that much,
uh, to Mr Fraleigh,
um, maybe I could go on television.
- Beverly!
- Next Friday, it's a deal! Now let's eat.
Bring on the grub!
Hello. My name is Beverly Boyer
and I'd like to tell all of you lovely people
about something that happened
at my home the other afternoon.
Tsk. Oh, dear.
Now, Maggie, why aren't we eating
our porridge?
- It has too many lumps.
- Well, we'll fix that.
Can I have Maggie's lumps?
- Now, really, you don't want them.
- Yes, he does!
I roll 'em in sugar and they taste like candy.
Good morning, group.
- Good morning, Daddy!
- Hi, Daddy.
No breakfast for me today, Olivia.
- Where are you goin'?
- To the hospital.
- You gonna deliver a baby?
- Mm-hm.
- Can you bring it home?
- Course he can't. It's not his baby.
Daddy's only the delivery man,
like the milkman.
But Daddy brought you and me home.
Mommy helped with those deliveries.
If she helps again, will you bring it home?
- OK, I will.
- Oh, you promise, Daddy?
I promise. So long, tiger.
Sweetie. Mm-mmm.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Daddy.
Drink up your milk.
You want to say ta-ta to Mommy.
We'll be tardy for school. Come on.
Hi there.
My name is Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a housewife.
I'd like to tell all of you about what happened
at my house just the other night.
Hi!
Oh. Hello.
Hi, folks.
My name is Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a housewife.
Mommy, why are you talking to your mirror?
- Oh!
- Why are you talking to your mirror?
Oh, honey, Mother's not talking to the mirror.
She's practising.
- To say your name?
- No, silly. I know my name.
- Hey, you know what?
- What? What? What?
- Mommy's gonna be on television.
- On television?
- Yeah!
- Can we watch ya? Can we watch ya?
Yes, you can. Wait. It might be a bit late
for you, so we have to ask Daddy.
- Yay!
- Mommy's gonna be on television.
Isn't that nice?
- How about that?
- There's your ride. Kiss Mommy goodbye.
Mommy's gonna be a big television star.
I love you. Goodbye.
Goodbye, Mommy.
Hello, I'm Beverly Boyer,
and I'm going to be a big television star.
Ohhh.
'So, none of you knows anything.'
- When's Mommy comin' on?
- Shh. Soon, Andy.
'And you know of no, uh, Allied Forces
in the area? '
- 'No.'
- Is that Mommy?
No, Mommy doesn't have black hair.
'You are a very obstinate, proud people.
'But we have ways to make you remember.'
You are completely innocent,
aren't you? Know absolutely nothing.
Oop!
Very well.
We have ways of making you remember
these little unimportant details.
Ways you will not forget.
All right, guard, take them away.
Ah, the young girl, let her stay.
Maybe, mademoiselle, you would care
for a glass of wine?
It is an excellent wine.
Perhaps I will take the wine.
Ah, that is better.
Ah, yes, Frulein, you will learn,
as, uh, your people will have to,
that if they want to, uh,
fill their stomachs again,
they will have to swallow a little pride
along with the food.
You... Guards!
You... you pig!
And what are you if I am a pig?
You're on.
Oh, hello, I'm Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a pig.
- A pig?
- Pig?
- Pig!
- What did Mommy say?
She said she was a pig.
Move over, move over.
Get over there.
- May I start again, please?
- Go ahead.
Um, hello, um,
my name is Beverly Boyer
and I'm a housewife.
Quiet.
And what I'd like to tell you is, um,
about how Happy soap saved my life.
'Um, last week I was in such a hassle
with my daughter Maggie.
'Uh, um, she wouldn't let me wash her hair
with our regular shampoo.'
And, um, she said that it, um, um,
it smelled like the cracks
in the school yard.
Shh! Shh!
You know how children can get.
And, um, anyway, that afternoon I purchased
several bars of Happy soap.
Pick up the bar.
The other bar.
- And, um...
- Turn it around.
Um, uh...
Uh, um... And she insisted
that I wash her hair with the new soap.
- Not new.
- Oh! No.
Happy soap is not a new soap,
it's um, it's an old soap.
I just had never used it before.
- You have used it.
- I haven't.
I really have not used this soap before.
And anyway, what I want to tell you is
that I did use it to shampoo her hair.
And she loved it.
And she said to me, "Oh, Mommy,
now I smell like my piano teacher."
She did.
And all I want to say is
that the soap worked just fine.
'And it got rid of all the traces
of the mud balls.'
- Mud balls?
- Yeah! Mud balls!
Cut! Cut!
- Bye.
- Smile!
Keep smiling.
Keep smiling. Take it off her.
She's not gonna say anything else.
That'll be four and a quarter, lady.
- Keep the change.
- Oh, thanks.
Listen, lady, I don't know
what he did to ya,
but like I always say, "To err is human,
and to forgive is humaner."
That a way, lady. Forgive and forget.
If you'll forgive, I'll try to forget.
Was it really that bad, sweetheart?
If anybody asks me to go on television
again, I hope you'll...
I will. I'll beat 'em off with my stethoscope.
Yeah, you heard me. I said I want that girl.
But Dad, we already have a commitment
with Spot Checker.
- 34 more baths at $1,500 a bath.
- Tell her she's washed up.
Dad, I think you're being a little premature.
You do, huh?
Don't you read the papers?
"Last night on Happy Playhouse
the only moment of originality
"was produced by a disarming young lady
who delivered the commercial.
"It's a sad day for television
"when the sponsor's message
has more value than the play."
Get her!
Beverly is my new Happy Girl!
Hi, Daddy! Oh, you're not my daddy.
- A wise child. Is your mother home?
- Who is it, Andrew?
It's not Daddy. It's a man.
Take me to your mother.
Well, who is it?
It's Mike Palmer.
Oh. I'm sorry, Mr Palmer,
but I'm very busy.
Mrs Boyer, would you consider becoming
the television spokeswoman
for Happy soap?
- I don't think that's a bit funny.
- I'm serious.
They want you to sell Happy soap.
That's ridiculous. I was terrible.
I stammered all over the place.
I looked like an idiot.
Yes, I thought so.
But Old Tom was enchanted
with your stammering.
Do you mean
that you're actually offering me a job?
Not me. The old man.
Well, I'm not interested.
I will never go on television again ever.
- I am definitely not interested.
- If you heard the amount, you might be.
You don't know me very well.
May I, please? Thank you.
If you don't mind,
I really have a lot of work to do.
You, uh...
You bottle your own ketchup?
Yes, yes, I do.
Oh, here, allow me.
- There we go. Where do you want it?
- Here, please.
- All right.
- Thank you. Goodbye, Mr Palmer.
I have never seen anybody make ketchup
before. It's a fascinating...
Mr Palmer, I told you before.
I am not going on television.
I have never been so embarrassed
in my life.
I made a fool of myself.
There were about 1,200 people
who didn't think so.
What 1,200 people?
The 1,200 people who called after the show
and said you were the most refreshing,
sincere person who ever sold a bar of soap.
Oh, they were laughing at me in the studio.
For just a few seconds there
you were... you were funny.
But look, when you got down to selling soap,
you sure sold soap.
Nope. There is nothing you can say
that will make me change my mind.
So you can just take your $332
and-and-and please leave.
I'm leaving.
But, uh, with more than $332.
I don't care if it's 500!
It's more than twice that.
A thousand dollars? That's ridiculous.
Not as ridiculous as $1,500... a week.
$1,500 a week?
For 52 weeks.
Fift...
How much is 52 times 1,500?
About 80,000.
Oh!
Mrs Boyer! Mrs Boyer!
Are you all right?
Hey, how's my favourite son?
- Mommy's in the cellar with a man.
- Oh? Anyone we know?
No, Daddy. We don't know him.
Did you say 80 thous... $80,000?
Yes, yes, $80,000.
Here. Let me help you up.
- What ya doin', folks?
- What?
Making ketchup, dear. Um...
You know... you know Mike Palmer.
- Yes, I remember Mr Palmer.
- He was just telling me...
- Allow me.
- Oh. Right.
Very gallant, sir.
Come all the way from the city just to help
a lady out of a basket of tomatoes.
You did tell him no?
No? What do you mean?
- Mommy, you've got tomatoes all over ya.
- Yes, darling, I know.
I assume he offered you a job.
I read the reviews.
Andy, please, don't do that.
- I was wipin' the tomatoes off.
- I'll take care of it. Go out and play, please.
- Can I play with the tomatoes?
- No.
I like to squoosh around.
Will you please stop that
and do as you're told?
- Well, darling?
- Well, um, actually, um...
Mr Palmer did offer me a job. He did.
But I turned him down flat, many times.
- Even asked me to leave.
- I did.
- Go on.
- And, um...
But I just couldn't say no to $80,000!
- 80,000?
- Yes!
- That's ridiculous!
- That's just what I said.
You two would be most comfortable
and happy
discussing my ridiculous offer in private.
I'll call you tomorrow. Bye, now.
- Beverly?
- Huh?
- Beverly, what are you thinking?
- Er, um...
- I'm thinking of taking a shower.
- Beverly!
You'll be leaving the children alone
too often.
And I can't believe they're going
to pay you $80,000
just to come down
to the studio once a week.
Why is Daddy yelling at Mommy?
Because Mommy wants to be a TV star
and Daddy doesn't want her to be.
Oh, that's mean.
It's not as if we need the money.
Our bank balance is healthy.
There's no reason for you to work.
Dr Boyer, you are a fraud.
- Oh!
- How did you arrive at that?
Oh, I've got you now, dear.
Right here, and I quote:
"In some cases, household duties,
important as they are,
"are not sufficient to gratify
a woman's desire for expression.
"Mrs America might do well
to start early in her marriage
"a planned cultivation
of outside interests and hobbies."
- Ridiculous!
- Ah, you wrote it, darling.
I know I did but it doesn't pertain to you.
- Oh, it doesn't?
- Certainly not.
You're planning for our kids
to remain young forever.
Of course I'm not.
Daddy's not planning
for us to remain young.
Can he do that?
You have outside interests and hobbies.
You have the PTA
and you make your own ketchup...
The PTA and home-bottled ketchup.
That is it. And it's not very fulfilling.
I didn't realise your life lacked fulfilment.
You've always shouted how being
a doctor's wife was career enough.
It is. I didn't mean to sound
as if I'm unhappy.
I'm very happy, and you know that. But...
But selling Happy soap
would make you happier.
You know I would never consciously go out
looking for a job, don't you?
But to have something like this
just land in my lap.
Honey. Honey. It's only once a week.
And I won't let anything interfere
with my wifely duties. I promise.
Shot down by my own artillery.
The programme is over at 9:00
so I should be home by 10:30, Olivia.
Andrew hasn't had his vitamin pills,
so see that he gets those.
Maggie wants to wear
her flowered panties tomorrow.
- You'll have to hand wash them.
- I will.
If Dr Boyer comes home before I do,
tell him there's a note
in the kitchen on the board.
The children want to watch me tonight.
I said, "Absolutely not, it's too late."
So if they give you an argument,
you let 'em watch.
Children! Mommy's leaving!
Hurry up! I'm late. I want a kiss.
- Bye, Mommy!
- Bye, Mommy!
Oh! What have you been doing?
- I thought they were watching television.
- Oh!
I'm making Andy's hair smell happy again,
like my piano teacher.
Mommy, the happy smell wore off.
Something else is gonna wear off
if you don't get up in that bathroom.
- I'm so late.
- I'll take care of the little devils.
Make sure they don't drown each other.
Goodbye! Goodbye, all! See ya!
What did he say?
"The happy smell wore off."
"'Mommy, the happy smell wore off."
'Those were his exact words.
'And, um, well, there he was, standing
in the hallway with a head full of shampoo,
'dripping all over my nice blue rug.
'Ls he gonna get it when I get home.
'Maggie said she was making his hair
smell happy.
'L-I know it sounds silly, of course,
'but I always say,
"Don't knock it till you try it."
'And, um, tonight, I'm going to go home
and shampoo my hair with Happy soap,
'and I'll let you know.
'Oh! Oh, um, I meant to tell you,
'don't forget you can shower with it.
'And we know it's good for that.
'Bye.'
'Now the third act
of Happy Playhouse... '
Gentlemen, what do you think?
Would you hire her to sell soap?
It's difficult to make a snap appraisal
until we test-market her potential.
I'd go along with Billings on that.
I'd rather not comment
until exploratory samplings can be made.
I advised against it
but they hired her anyway.
You mean she's already been hired?
- One year, solid.
- But why?
Because my dad ordered it.
Oh. Well, uh, now that I think about it,
I'm inclined to go along with your dad.
She has a new and honest approach
to the product.
Yes, I'd go along with Billings
going along with your dad.
- She does have a-a-a...
- New and honest approach?
Yes, I'll go along with that.
- What do you think, Van Camp?
- Oh, I quite agree.
- With what?
- With everything.
Good thinking.
Come in.
'And now we return... '
Oh! Mrs Boyer.
We were just talking about you.
- Oh, Mike, was I all right?
- You were wonderful.
I was so nervous.
I wish you'd write things out for me.
- Mrs Boyer.
- Hello, Mr Fraleigh.
- Mr Billings, Mr Stokely, Mr Van Camp.
- How do you do, gentlemen?
How do you do?
You were just fine.
That's exactly what Dad wants.
Oh, good. I hope I pleased him.
You were delightful.
We'll tell you all about it at the party tonight.
- What party?
- It's at the Cartier Hotel.
I want all my staff
and network people to meet you.
Oh, I didn't know about a party.
- Oh.
- And my husband's expecting me at home.
Oh, well, he would be
perfectly welcome to join us.
After all, you are our guest of honour.
- Why, certainly.
- Oh! Really?
Oh. That's very nice.
Um, uh, maybe I could call him
at the hospital
and he could meet me at the party
when he's finished.
- Fine, fine, fine.
- Oh, I'll do that. Good.
I hate to be a killjoy but shouldn't we watch
the art we're sponsoring this week?
Oh, good heavens. Third act, third act.
- Mike, may I phone from here?
- Yeah, sure. Right here.
Oh, hello, is Dr Boyer there, please?
Oh, yes, I'll wait.
'Lorraine, what a surprise. You will join me
in a glass of champagne, won't you?
'Waiter, another glass, please.
'Well, what a pleasant surprise. I must say
you're looking marvellously well, my dear.
'Ln honour of this occasion,
I'd like to propose a toast.
'To you, Lorraine.
Thank heavens I didn't marry you.
'Tell me, do you still have
those magnificent soft, white shoulders?
'Whom do you tantalise with them now?
'You... you... you tramp!
'Waiter! You tramp! '
Hey, isn't that scene like the one last week
with the Nazi and that woman?
Similar but the public doesn't notice
things like that.
They did that play last week
except they wore different costumes.
Yeah, it's the same story.
It's much too subtle a variation
for the public to detect.
Yes? Oh, no, don't bother him now.
But would you please give him a message?
He's to meet you at the Cartier Hotel
in the private dining room.
Till 1:00. All right, Mrs Boyer.
I'll see he gets the message.
'Dr Krindle,
you are wanted in Surgery One.'
Hello, um, I'm trying to get in touch
with Mrs Beverly Boyer.
There ain't nobody here now.
Beverly? Oh, the one that did
the commercial. Cute girl.
'She's gonna be on next week.
Why don't you try and give her a ring then? '
Thanks. I'll do that.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Oh, Beverly. Oh, you must be
so proud of yourself.
I'd be absolutely petrified
if I had to stand in front of a camera.
I was! I was a nervous wreck.
I didn't know what I was going to say.
I just rattled on.
Your rattling is what made that commercial.
It's so refreshing to hear
someone speak so naturally
and so honestly about a product.
Thank you. We're pleased
you like our new approach.
- Your new approach?
- It's been on our launching pad.
Just waited until we found
our little astronaut.
- We haven't seen Dr Boyer.
- Oh, that's right.
- What time is it, please?
- After 1:00.
Is it? Oh, well, he should be along
any minute now.
"Cold fried chicken in the meat keeper.
Will be home about 10:30.
"I love you, Bev."
Olivia?
Olivia, are you awake?
Olivia? Are you asleep?
Olivia?
- Who are you? What do you want?
- It's me!
Oh, Dr Boyer, I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't know it was you.
Do you always sleep with a bat?
You read such awful things
in the newspapers.
A girl can't be too careful.
- What was it you wanted?
- Did my wife call tonight?
It's after 1:00. She's not home yet.
- You mean she isn't in the house?
- No, she isn't.
You mean you and I are here alone?
Now, calm yourself, Olivia.
I didn't come here for any foul purpose.
Get out of my room!
Get out of my room! Get out!
- I hereby tender my resignation!
- Accepted.
Mommy! Mommy! I'm scared.
- Hello? Andy.
- Mommy, I'm scared.
- 'Gerald? '
- Yes, and where the devil are you?
Andy, it's all right.
Gerald, what is going on around there?
- Is that Andy crying?
- 'Yes.'
- What woke him?
- 'Olivia was screaming.'
Olivia? What was she screaming about?
'She thought I wanted
to get into bed with her.'
She thought you wanted to... What?!
I'll be right home.
- Where have you been?
- What happened?
Olivia, your taxi's here.
Taxi? Olivia? Where are you going?
I'm leaving. I'll not linger
in this den of iniquity one moment longer.
But, Olivia, you're so happy here,
and you know we all love you.
Well, I don't need that kind of love.
Olivia? Gerald Boyer,
will you please tell me what went on?
If you'd been home where you belonged,
whatever went on would not have gone on.
Where are you going?
It is all right if I take time out from
my household duties to deliver a baby?
- Mommy! Mommy! I'm scared!
- Oh!
Look into the lens.
Wet your lips. Now, love that soap.
Good. Good.
Got it!
Mike. Mike?
Kissing a bar of soap is a bit much, really.
The caption will read.
"Happy soap saved my life."
You'd kiss someone who saved your life.
Just one more now, darling.
- How much longer will I be, please?
- Just once more, dear.
I've got to get going, Mike.
I've got a new maid.
- She's going to run into difficulties...
- Beverly! Please!
Let's just get this one last one now.
Good. Good.
- Hello? Was is it?
- Hello, this is Dr Boyer.
Dr Boyer nicht home. He hospital.
No, I'm Dr Boyer.
I'd like to speak to Mrs Boyer.
Mrs Boyer, picture parlour.
Ich sagen Nein! Doctor not home!
Hello? Hello?
I guess I'm not home.
- Miss Thompson.
- Yes, Doctor?
- Do you speak any German?
- A little high school German.
Please call my home and try to make
the new housekeeper understand
that I will be home for dinner
but I'll be a little late.
I'll try, Doctor.
I'll get it, Mrs Goethe.
- Hello?
- Hello. My name is Frulein Thompson.
Ich bin eine Krankenschwester.
Uh, uh, um...
Oh, oh, um...
Ein moment, please.
Uh, bitte. Bitte. Uh, uh...
Mrs Goethe, it's for you!
Ich komm schon, ich komm schon.
Hello? Was ist?
Uh, ich call for Dr Boyer.
Doctor not home! Call spter ja?
She says you're not home.
She's right.
Oh! Oh, darling. I didn't expect you tonight.
You should have called me.
Every time I called,
I found out I wasn't home.
- What?
- Oh, never mind.
Hi, Doc. Your wife's gonna be queen
of the ten-second station breaks.
- I'm filming a commercial.
- What time will you be home?
- I'm free tonight. No babies due.
- I shouldn't be too long, should I?
It's only a ten-second commercial.
Kiss me for good luck, darling.
Oh! Goodbye, darling!
- Good night. Thank you.
- You tired?
I'm fine, except that it took longer
than I thought.
- Well, you were wonderful.
- Was I?
- You were, you just have this...
- Thank you.
Oh, darling. I'm so sorry I'm late.
A ten-second commercial?
I'll just drift off.
Good night. It was wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
I didn't dream it was going to be
as complicated as it was.
You have no idea how long everything took -
make-up, costumes, hair...
- Where are you going?
- A baby that wasn't due decided it was.
- Better not wait up for me.
- It won't always be this hectic.
I hope not. Good night.
- Oh, hello, Herr Doctor.
- Hello, Mrs Goethe.
- I don't imagine Mrs Boyer's home?
- Ja, Missus home.
- That's a surprise.
- What you say?
- I didn't see her car in the driveway.
- Her car! Car in back house.
- In the garage?
- Ja. Missus upstairs.
- Oh, she pretty. All dressed up.
- Pretty?
- Is that so?
- Ja.
- You want something eat?
- Perhaps later.
Oh! You pretty too!
Oh! Oh, Gerald!
Oh, honey, are you all right? Oh, darling.
Darling? Darling? Are you all right?
Oh. We were taking pictures, sweetheart.
We wanted to do this at the studio but we...
Yes, they did, and, uh,
I thought it was a good idea to do it here.
- Oh. Mike, would you leave us alone?
- Yeah, fellas, let's take a break.
Sweetheart. Oh!
Oh!
So this was your idea?
- Darling, I did it for you.
- For me?
- You had all this brought in here for me?
- I meant us.
We've seen each other so little,
I thought instead of going to a studio,
if I were to do the layout here...
Oh, we'd get a chance to see each other.
Yes. I'll be finished in a couple of hours.
- I'm due at the hospital in a couple of hours.
- Oh.
I'll just have the photographers wait.
They can get their shots after you leave.
Oh, and we could see each other
while they wait in the hall?
Gerald Boyer, where are you going?
I'm going to take a drive
in an open convertible
and try very hard to cool off!
Hey, why don't you look what you're doin'?
Let me have your driver's licence, mister.
What? Oh, oh, it's all right, Officer.
I'm a doctor.
I don't care if you're Peter Pan.
Now, give me your driver's licence.
- B-but that's my wife up there.
- That's very nice.
Wouldn't you stop and look
if you suddenly saw your wife
staring down at you from a billboard?
I wouldn't stop and look
if my wife was hangin' up there.
Here. Now, get that car outta here
and the next time, look at your wife at home.
I would if she was ever there.
Ten bucks just to look at my wife?
There. Some vitamins and minerals
I'd like you to take.
Mm-hm. Doctor, couldn't you give me
a little clue as to when I might expect it?
I know how impatient you are
but there's nothing to do now but wait.
You may not believe it, Doctor,
but I am really not impatient.
I've waited such a long time
for this experience,
I'm savouring every minute of it.
You know something?
I... I've been taking very long walks
up and down Fifth Avenue.
Fine. Exercise is very important.
I don't walk for the exercise.
I walk to show off.
I'm proud of my condition. Is that silly?
That's about the healthiest attitude
you could have.
Oh, I don't know when
I've been so happy.
Oh, I guess there's nothing more fulfilling
in life than having a baby.
Oh, listen to me. Something you've
probably heard a thousand times.
Never stated so beautifully.
- Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you next week.
- If not before.
Oh!
'There's nothing more
fulfilling in life than having a baby.'
Miss Thompson,
would you come in, please?
Yes, Doctor?
Miss Thompson, would you please send
three dozen roses to my home
and a couple of bottles
of champagne - imported?
Then reserve a table
at the, uh, Ritz Pavilion
and call Mrs Boyer
and have her meet me there at 8 o'clock.
- Yes, Doctor. Is it Mrs Boyer's birthday?
- Her birthday? No, no, not exactly.
But it may be somebody's.
Party of four. Ten o'clock? Yes.
- A marvellous idea!
- I should have invited you out weeks ago.
- Yes, sir?
- Yes, I have a reservation. Dr Gerald Boyer.
Oh, yes, Dr Boyer.
There will be a little wait.
Your table will be ready soon.
I made the reservation for eight o'clock.
It's after that now.
I am sorry, sir. We have been
rather busy tonight. Please.
Aren't you Beverly Boyer, the Happy Girl?
- Yes, I am.
- Oh, may I have your autograph?
For my little granddaughter.
She's only three but she just loves
to listen to you talk about your soap.
- Really? Oh, how nice.
- How stupid of me, Miss Boyer.
Please forgive me.
Of course I have a table for you.
- Thank you.
- Waiter.
Table three for Miss Boyer and party.
Please follow me.
Thank you.
Perhaps Miss Beverly
wish to have some wine?
Uh, we'd like some champagne, please.
Well. Thank you.
Excuse me.
Aren't you the Happy Girl, Beverly?
- Yes, I am.
- See, Lena? I told you.
May we have your autograph, Miss Beverly?
My niece's daughter would adore it.
- Do you have a pen?
- Oh. I don't know...
- Here, dear.
- Thank you.
Now me. It's for a neighbour's child.
Would you personalise it?
Just write: "To Georgie,
"a sweet, darling little boy
of whom I am very fond of."
- And sign it.
- Uh, pardon me.
- But are you anybody?
- Well...
- This is my husband.
- Oh, Mr Beverly!
No, Doctor Beverly.
- I mean Dr Boyer.
- Married to a doctor. Isn't that nice?
We'll be watching you on TV, Beverly.
Remember to wave to us.
- Thank you.
- Uh, that's my pen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, darling, I'm sorry.
- What a thing to say.
- It's OK, sweetheart. I'm not that sensitive.
It is Beverly Boyer!
You're so much prettier on television,
I didn't recognise you.
Aren't you the announcer who says,
"Here she is, Miss Beverly"?
I take it back. I am that sensitive.
Come on, sweetheart.
- Oh, but I want your autograph.
- We're going. We don't have a pen.
Has it ever occurred to any of you college
brains we're not making full use of our girl?
Dad, she has been on the air every Friday
for the past five months.
- She is on billboards.
- Spot commercials.
- Magazines.
- Radio.
- Newspapers.
- What else is there?
What else is there?
There's Happy detergent, you boobs.
Get another programme
and let her sell detergent!
Yes, Dad.
What kind of programme, Dad?
What's the difference?
One of them damn shows where everybody
in the family is smarter than the father.
Or buy me a tall marshal
with a goofy sidekick. Don't matter.
Come on!
Look at the colour.
Andy, it's not a toy. It's a new set.
Now, y-you've gone too far.
One more.
That's enough.
'Pour one.'
'We don't serve drinks to killers.'
'Now, Kitty, who'd I ever kill? '
'My father and my brother, to name two.'
'Bartender, a bottle and two glasses.'
Wouldn't you be more comfortable in bed?
- We wanna see Mommy first.
- We didn't see Mommy today.
Ja, they nicht see Mama today.
First they school, and then Mama go
to pretty parlour.
Well, all right, you can see Mommy,
but right after Mommy, to bed, huh?
'All right, Kitty, pour.
'Pour! '
She's gonna hit him
on the head with the bottle.
But first she's gonna spritz him.
'I'm not gonna hurt you, Kitty.
'Ah, you, you...
'You... you floozy!
'You... you tramp! '
'ln a moment, the conclusion
of this week's Marshal Tucker, MD.
'But first, an important message
from our Happy Girl, Beverly Boyer.'
'Hi. You know, it really seems funny
talking to you on a Tuesday night
'since Friday's been my day
to tell people about Happy soap.'
They still haven't seen
their mommy today. Mrs Goethe.
'Don't get your hopes up because
you're still going to hear a commercial.
'Unless, of course, you decide to go
to the kitchen for a sandwich
'or, um, you know, bottle of beer.
'I'm going to tell you
about another Happy product.
'Happy detergent.
'Now, its label makes many claims.
'Lt says it's good for dishes,
clothes, woodwork...
'and even the tile
around your swimming pool.
'Of course, I wouldn't know about that
because, you see, I don't have a pool.
'And I'm certainly not about to put one in
just to, um, test this.
'But I do know this - that the Happy people
make a fine product.
'And they wouldn't lie. Bye.'
Good girl! Turn her off. Turn her off.
Is that you, Palmer?
Get her a swimming pool.
Damn the cost.
I want it in her back yard
in time for the next commercial.
You don't have to get permission.
I want it to be a surprise.
Now get over there and start diggin'!
I want it in by tomorrow night.
Give me a nut.
- Good morning.
- You wait for Missus. She come soon.
- Yeah. Here we are.
- Ah! Ah! Du Lieber!
She no tell me she order hole!
Oh, well, don't worry, Mrs Goethe.
This is a surprise.
When will Mrs Boyer be back?
She come for lunch, 12:00,
and then you see!
- Mom, can we play golf till lunch is ready?
- Yes, darling, in the back yard.
Hurray! Hurray! Come on, Maggie.
You be the caddy.
Don't chop up the lawn like Daddy.
Take it easy.
Ich hab gesagt, warte einen Moment,
aber sie haben getan, was sie wollen.
Mrs Goethe, you're speaking
in German again, dear.
- I don't know what you're saying.
- Mommy, Mommy!
Go out and play in the yard.
- There's no back yard.
- They took it away!
- Andrew, now really.
- Honest, Mommy. Come and look.
- Ja, go!
- I guess we have to play games.
- Who did that?
- I didn't. I didn't even swing my club once.
- No, he didn't do it, Mommy.
- Who did that?
- Maybe Daddy did.
- Compliments of Happy detergent.
One filtered swimming pool.
What? A swimming pool?
For your children to swim in
and for you to do commercials.
Oh but that's ridiculous!
Does my husband know about this?
- No. We thought you'd like to surprise him.
- Oh! Surprise him?
He wouldn't object to
you getting a free swimming pool?
Ever since the restaurant,
he objects to everything I get -
money, compliments, pools...
Pools? Oh, Mike!
Stanley, we want a real high pyramid.
High up as you can get it.
All right. Straight line right along here.
Use all these boxes.
'I guess
there's nothing more fulfilling in life
'than having a baby.'
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sweetheart, I'd like to apologise
for my behaviour.
These last few weeks, I've been, well,
less than a loving husband.
Oh, darling, I haven't given you
much of a chance to be.
- Ever since that night at the restaurant...
- I know. I'm sorry.
I would like to make it up to you.
- When?
- Well...
do you have any plans for tonight?
No. I was just waiting
for a call from my husband.
What was that?
- Sounds like rain.
- Mm-hm.
- I left the top down on the convertible.
- Mm-hm.
I guess I'm gonna have to put it
in the garage.
Mmm.
- Hey.
- Hm?
Don't you run off.
The pool!
Gerald!
- Gerry!
- What?
Gerry, I forgot to tell you we have a pool.
Oh!
Oh!
Gerald, I'm coming. Darling, I'm coming.
Oh! Oh, darling, you're dripping wet!
- Where did the pool come from?
- You must be chilled to the bone.
It's a heated pool. How did it get here?!
- Please don't shout.
- I have to to be heard over that bilge pump!
- It's a filter.
- I know what it is.
- I want to know how it got in my back yard!
- Please be quiet. I'll tell you.
- Why get so excited, darling?
- Excited?
I just drove my car into a swimming pool!
Gerald? You always said you wanted a pool.
Don't you think I should be consulted
before you spend $5,000 of our money?
Oh, so that's what it is. Darling,
I didn't spend one cent of our money.
Oh, I see. It's come to that!
- Come to what?
- "Our" money and "your" money.
Well, let me tell you.
This is still our house
and our back yard and our children,
and when we build a swimming pool,
it will be built with our money.
And what is our money?
Our money is what I earn by being a doctor.
Oh, and what I've earned is not ours?
- It's yours!
- Oh!
I'm not allowed to participate
in this household?
What's mine is mine
and what's yours is ours?
- If you like.
- Well, I don't like.
Whatever happened to my rights
as a woman?
I'll tell you what happened.
They grew and grew until they suffocated
my rights as a man.
Whoever said all men are created equal
didn't anticipate a woman making $100,000
a year to spend on swimming pools.
I did not spend it on swimming pools!
You're gonna wake the children.
Good! Lt'll give 'em a chance
to get reacquainted with their mother.
By the way, how many minutes
did they see you today?
Many more minutes
than they've seen you, Dr Boyer.
Oh, I gotta hand it to you.
Now you have finally done it.
Done what?
Succeeded in equating the delivery of
a baby with the delivery of a commercial.
Oh!
- What are you doing?
- Filling this suitcase with my clothes.
Oh, really? Well, I'll help you.
And I'm gonna continue until you give up
this asinine career
and go back to being a wife.
- "Go back to being a wife"?
- Yes!
- That's mine! Give me that!
- This husband likes to see his wife.
And not staring at him from a billboard
or looking up at him from a magazine ad.
I want to see her in person and often.
- Are you giving me an ultimatum?
- Yes, damn it!
Well, that's just fine.
You can see me on page 41!
- You might need this.
- You can reach me at the office.
If you get tired of kissing soap!
You ask her.
But her eyes are closed. Mommy said never
to wake her if her eyes are closed.
- They're not closed tight. Look.
- They look tight.
There's a little slit in this one. See?
- I don't see no slit.
- Right there.
Oh, now I see it. It's a big slit.
Mm.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mommy.
- Are you awake?
- What is it?
Can we go out and play in the snow?
Do we have to put
our snow suits on, Mommy?
- M-hm.
- Will you go help us build a snowman?
- What?
- A snowman.
Andrew, there's no snow, sweetheart.
- Yes, there is. Out in the backyard.
- It didn't snow in the front.
- Honest, Mommy.
- Honest, Mommy. Come and look.
Mommy's so tired.
Oh.
Do I have to do this? Huh?
What is out here, now?
What are you showing me?
What? What is this?
It's slippery.
What is this? Oh! Where are you?
Come out of here.
Come on! It's... Oh! Come on here!
Ach, du liebe...!
Ach! Ach!
Oh!
Was ist?
Coming!
- Oh. Hello.
- Hiya.
- Did you call about the stuff?
- Yes. It's in the backyard. Around there.
I know it's none of my business, lady,
but how did you happen to get three
truckloads of potatoes in your backyard?
- Potatoes?
- Says so right here. "Pick up spuds."
- Oh, no, that's a mistake.
- I figured it was.
What kind of a nut would have three
truckloads of spuds in their backyard?
- No, it's suds.
- Suds?
Suds.
It's beautiful!
Yeah, it's... it's like heaven.
That's the closest
to heaven you'll ever get.
- It's a shame to bust the thing up.
- Look at the different shapes.
That has an angel with wings.
- Hey, yeah.
- That looks like one of Santy's reindeers.
- Hey, there's a naked lady.
- Where? Where? Where?
- Ah, the wind blew the best parts away.
- Aw.
Look, guys. You two
take the angel with the wings.
You two, take that reindeer.
- I'll take the naked lady.
- Oh!
- Careful of this stuff.
- I love this kind of work.
This is the best-smellin' garbage
I ever handled.
Hey, I lost the lady's head.
Wait a minute. Here it is.
- Hey, how do you keep it on the shovel?
- Watch it, Louie.
Pardon me. Do you know
if they're sending the crane over?
- You kidding? This stuff ain't heavy.
- Oh, not for this.
- There's a car at the bottom of the pool.
- A car.
- Yes.
- You mean like an automobile?
- Exactly.
- How did you ever manage...?
I can't go into it now
but it's down there. Believe me.
Hey, guys, the lady says
there's a car at the bottom of the pool.
- No foolin'! A regular car?
- A regular car.
- How 'bout that. What kind of car is it?
- A convertible.
And you can't miss it.
It's the only one down there.
She probably overloaded
her washing machine.
They tell you not to but some people
just don't read the boxes.
M- hm.
All right, stand back, folks.
We're gonna haul her up.
OK, Charlie! Take her up!
Oh, good morning, Dr Ehrlich.
M- hm.
Oh, er, er,
just spent the night in a hotel.
M- hmm.
Miss Thompson. Miss Thompson?
- Yes, Doctor?
- Could I borrow a match, Doctor?
- Oh, certainly.
- Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry. Your matches.
Huh. I had matches in my pocket
all the time. What do you think of that?
- What do you think of it?
- What do I think of it?
Oh! You mean
what's the hidden psychiatric meaning
behind my borrowing a match
when I already had matches?
Well, I'd call it absent-mindedness.
I'm sure that you would
diagnose it as, er,
a convenient subconscious attempt
for me to come in here and chat with you.
Do you have a minute, Doctor?
M- hm.
- Hallo?
- It's only me, Mrs G.
Hi.
Am I welcome?
Welcome home, darling!
Forgive me?
- Forgive you?
- M-hm. For acting like a Victorian fool?
For refusing to accept the fact
that you have a career?
- Oh, darling, do you mean that?
- Of course I do.
Oh!
Naturally, I'll have to
readjust my life a bit.
You'd readjust your life for me?
You're my wife, aren't you?
Oh, yes, darling, I am.
Sweetheart, I've got to get back
to the office.
- Oh.
- I've got patients waiting.
- I don't want you to go.
- I must.
Would you come home early?
I'll bake you something special.
With r-r-r-r-rum.
Rrrrrr.
Oh, not tonight, honey.
I forgot. I'm sorry.
I've been invited to this bachelor party.
One of the residents at the hospital...
- Oh, darling, do you have to go?
- Honey, I have to. It's a bore but...
- You don't need a tuxedo.
- It's a formal bachelor party.
So long, sweetheart.
Better not wait up for me.
- Bye.
- OK.
Here.
And away we go.
- Where did Herr Doctor go?
- To readjust his life.
Ah! So. Good.
Would you care for a picture, sir?
- Oh, young lady.
- Would you care for a picture, sir?
Yes, please.
- Ready? Shoot.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Miss Thompson.
Oh! Good morning, dear.
Do I have time for a shower
before breakfast?
Yes, you do, dear.
# You're a sweetheart
if there ever was one
# If there ever was one it's you
# You're a sweetheart
# If there ever was one
# If there ever was one it's you #
# You're a sweetheart # Honey?
- Sweetheart, I'm surprised at you.
- Oh, I-I...
Letting me go into the shower
without my underwear.
# You're a sweetheart
# If there ever was one #
Well, was the bachelor party fun?
- It was OK.
- Erm, were there any wives there?
Honey, if wives were allowed,
wouldn't I have asked you along?
- No women?
- Of course not.
Say, you're not doing
any commercials tonight, are you?
No. I'm free tonight.
Mm. That is a shame.
The one night you're free,
and I've got to give a lecture.
So long, sweetheart. I'll call you later.
- When will you be home, dear?
- Er, I'm not sure.
But don't wait up for me.
Oh!
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# Nobody knows
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am #
- Honey. Where are you, honey?
- Oh, yes, darling, I'm right here.
- I want you, honey.
- What is it, darling?
- Oh, you know something?
- What?
You're a great woman
and I'm a big, fat rat.
- Don't you say that!
- I am! The way I've treated you. I am.
- No, you're not.
- I am.
- No, you're not!
- I am. I'm a big, fat rat.
You're not a big, fat rat.
You, you're a sweet, wonderful woman.
And I don't know why
it's taken me so long to find out.
Hush, darling.
Don't say any more, please.
You're the most
wonderful, understanding woman
in the whole world...
Gloria.
Gloria!
Ooh!
Ooh!
You've only got a few minutes
before you go on.
- You'd better start changing.
- I'm wearing this.
I'm not talking about your dress.
I mean your personality.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Can't have a nervous, overwrought,
unhappy housewife...
telling America about Happy soap.
Look at you. Your eyes are red.
You're twisting your hankie.
You're biting your lip.
That's no way for a career girl to act.
I don't think I'm cut out
to be a career girl.
- Our sponsors think you are.
- Well, my husband doesn't.
Your husband's a Victorian.
My husband is a doctor
and I'm a doctor's wife.
Or I used to be.
Used to be?
Oh, Mike, everything is...
Everything is... Oh!
- Hello?
- 'Mrs Boyer? '
Yes.
Dr Boyer asked me to call.
He'll be held up tonight.
He won't be able to pick you up
at the studio
but he will meet you
at the Cartier Hotel later if he can.
Mrs Boyer, do you understand?
Yes. Yes, I understand.
Aw, cheer up, honey.
We all make mistakes.
Oh, Mike, I'm so embarrassed.
How could I forget the name of our soap?
- What did I finally call it?
- Palmolive.
- Oh.
- Have another drink.
I just kept thinking about Gerald.
I know he's at the hospital but...
- But you're not sure.
- Of course I'm sure.
By calling the hospital,
you can be absolutely sure.
- I'd never do that.
- Why not?
He might not be there!
He said, "Yes but only on Thursdays."
- Gardiner.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, darling?
- Gardiner, I'm going to have a baby.
Yes, darling. I know.
Oh, my God, you...
- A-A-Are you sure?
- Quite sure.
Oh. Well, you... Just...
- Beverly, Beverly, Beverly!
- Yes?
Call your baby.
My wife's having a husband. Quickly.
Oh!
The Doctors' Hospital, please. 88th Street.
Well, now you'll know.
Is Dr Boyer there, please?
This is an emergency.
He's no... He's not?
Well, can you reach him? Oh, fine.
Tell him Mrs Gardiner Fraleigh is
on her way to the hospital to deliver.
Yes. Thank you.
He'll meet you at the hospital.
Would you mind coming with us?
It's just that... In case...
I don't know anything about...
- It's just a matter of...
- Excuse me.
Gardiner, I am not going
to have the baby in the car.
But I would like Beverly
to go with me. Would you?
- Oh, you know I will.
- Are you afraid?
Only of being alone in the car
with an expectant father.
- Do you want me to carry you?
- Oh, Gardiner! Really.
All right, j-j-just go quietly.
Hurry. Keep moving.
- Mike, would you get the car?
- Yes.
There's nothing to worry about, don't...
- All right, Sidney.
- Where to, sir?
The hospital, you idiot!
- Dr Boyer.
- Oh, hello, Mike.
- Party break up early?
- It moved to the hospital.
- Mrs Fraleigh?
- Yeah. Can I give you a lift?
Yes, please.
To go to Doctors' Hospital,
we go up Third Avenue to 88th,
turn right and go to the river.
- Mrs Fraleigh, you're doing just fine.
- Can I do anything?
- Just get us to the hospital!
- Sidney, what's holding us up?
- Traffic, sir.
- Hurry.
Oh, dear God.
- Please.
- Damn it, Sidney, do something!
I'm, erm... Blow your horn!
- Oh, dear me.
- Oh, the pain is every five minutes.
- We've just gotta hurry!
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Sidney! Sidney,
I don't care how you do it
but I am going to give you exactly
five seconds to get this car moving.
Hey, what are ya doin'?
Get off the sidewalk!
Hey! Get off the sidewalk!
Hey, knock it off!
You're gonna hit somebody!
I should look where I'm goin'.
Get off the sidewalk!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mack.
I know you have a reason
for drivin' on the sidewalk
but I warn you, it better be a dandy.
My wife is having a baby!
That's dandy enough. Follow us.
Lots of luck!
- Good evening, Dr Boyer.
- Evening. Was Mrs Fraleigh admitted?
- Er, not yet, Doctor.
- Probably held up in traffic.
- Is it much farther?
- Not much.
- Oh, dear.
- W-What's the matter?
- Four minutes apart.
- What's that mean?
It means I wish
my husband were here.
There's a jam up ahead, sir.
Sidney, do something!
- Shall I blow my horn, sir?
- Yes, damn it.
- Oh, Gardiner, your language.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, darn it!
- She said, "Darn it."
She has never, ever said that.
What does it mean?
- It's every three minutes.
- Oh, my God. Beverly, get the phone.
Call the hospital.
It's right there. Get it out.
Just push the button down.
- Yes?
- They're not here yet.
- It's for you, Doctor.
- Dr Boyer.
- Beverly, where are you?
- On the East River Drive and 58th Street.
- How's Mrs Fraleigh?
- Every three minutes, Gerald.
I could get there in about 15 minutes.
Look, you get back to the car.
- I'm calling from the car!
- Oh, dear God.
Please, Mr Fraleigh.
Gerald, what should I do?
- Oh, dear, dear God.
- Mr Fraleigh, I can't hear.
I'm going to try to get there in time.
I think I can.
Taylor, would you get my bag?
If I don't, you'll have to take over.
- Is there a bar in the back seat?
- Is there a bar?
- Yes, it's right there but why...
- Yes, Gerald, there's a bar.
- There's whisky.
- What are you gonna do?
- Wash my hands.
- Why would...?
- Gardiner!
- Please pace up and down the highway!
Allow me, sir.
Oh.
If I don't make it in time, does anyone have
a piece of string or a shoelace?
- Sidney. Do you have a shoelace?
- Shoelace, madam?
- Yes, a shoelace.
- I'm wearing loafers.
- Mr Fraleigh, do you have a shoelace?
- What do you need a shoelace for?
- Oh, my God, that's barbaric.
- Do you have a shoelace?
- I'm wearing gaiters.
- W-W-Well, borrow one!
Borrow a shoelace. Shoelace.
Oh, I, er, I'll go round.
Pardon me, sir,
but are you wearing regular shoes?
- Are you a nut?
- No, you don't understand.
You see, I'm having a baby
and I need a shoelace.
- Get outta here!
- Get out of here.
No, you wouldn't have a shoelace.
Would you ha...? No. Shoe... Shoelaces.
Sir, I'll give you twenty dollars
for a shoelace.
- Twenty dollars for a shoelace?
- Forty dollars!
Here ya are.
Twenty dollars is enough.
"Twenty dollars is enough."
The man offered 40
but my Irving has to be a big shot. Ah!
Is there a newspaper in the car?
Yes, a newspaper.
An unused one is relatively germ-free.
- Here it is.
- Thank you. Now get me a newspaper.
- A newspaper? There's no time to read.
- For the baby!
Please, Mr Fraleigh, don't ask questions.
Just get it. An unused one!
Gerald, please hurry.
Dr Taylor will stay on this phone in case
you need instructions. I'm on my way.
Here, Taylor. Stay awake. Mike, let's see
if that car of yours can outrace a stork.
- Excuse me, sir.
- You can't have my shoelaces.
- Get outta here.
- I don't want shoelaces.
I need a newspaper, for my baby.
I hope the baby don't object.
It ain't the Times.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Did you read this?
Yeah. You can keep it.
I don't want it if you read it!
Get outta here!
Sir, could I have that newspaper
you have in the backseat?
- I'm sorry. I haven't read it yet.
- Wonderful!
- I'll give you ten dollars for it.
- Ten dollars for a newspaper?
- Er, how much?
- Er, twenty.
Thank you. Call again.
Twenty dollars isn't enough
for a newspaper?
Some businessman!
In a seller's market like this,
you could have got a hundred.
Here's the newspaper.
Where's Dr Boyer? Why isn't he here?
- He'll be here soon.
- Oh, relax, Gardiner.
Babies are born every day.
- That's true, sir.
- Oh, why don't you shut up and drive?
Are you a doctor? Where are the police?
See, my wife is... Are you a doctor?
I got a maternity case in a Rolls Royce
three blocks up. Can you give me a lift?
- Sure.
- Hop on, Doc.
- Are you a doctor?
- That did it.
Ooh. Ah.
Oh, dear.
Officer! Officer!
Officer! Offic... Oh!
Look, I... My wife is having a baby.
Officer? Officer.
Oh, there he is. There's a doctor.
Doctor?
There's a very pregnant lady around here.
I think she's gonna have a baby.
- Anybody hurt in the accident?
- No.
Right here, Doctor.
Follow me. Follow me.
Would you try to keep the people away?
And clear this lane of traffic.
All right now, clear it out. Hey, you guys,
give me a hand. Pregnant woman, here.
Everybody, work. Get around this car.
- OK, move it up.
- Up! Up!
That's it. Move it over.
Move this car out. Come on!
Move this car out.
- All right, all right, let the car through.
- Move along.
Hurry, Sidney!
Sid... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- What about me?
- Hop on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Darling. Darling, I...
- Who's that?
- It's your daughter.
It's my... daughter.
My... Oh, darling!
You are a genius.
A- And you're brilliant. You're brilliant!
That's brilliant.
Th-That's brilliant, Doctor.
- Dr Taylor, will you take the baby?
- The baby is brilliant!
Look at... That's a baby!
Take over.
Oh, hold me.
Hold me.
Oh, darling, I need you so much.
- Do you need me?
- Very much.
Darling, you know when I helped you
back there in the car
and I held that new life in my arms?
I knew, I knew what you must feel
every single day.
And I felt so close to you.
Oh, darling,
I love you so much.
And I want to be a doctor's wife again.
Do you think you'll be happy
being just a doctor's wife?
Oh, yes.
Did you deliver
a baby tonight, Daddy?
Well, hello there.
And what are you two doing up?
- Andy was thirsty.
- Did you deliver one, Daddy?
Well, yes, I did, and Mommy helped too.
- Oh! Can we keep it?
- No, I'm afraid not.
But you said when Mommy helped,
then you would bring it home.
- Yes, you did.
- You promised. We want a baby.
- Well, now wait a minute.
- Darling, a promise is a promise.
Now you two get to bed
and Daddy and I will discuss it.
- Will you 'scuss it tonight?
- If Daddy's not too tired.
No, I don't think Daddy's too tired.
Hurray for Mommy and Daddy!
Hurray for Mommy and Daddy!
Hurray for Mommy and Daddy!
Oh! Wonderful!
Oh!
Hi!
- Darling?
- Darling.
I'm pregnant.
# You know it, I know you know it
# Cos I show it
# lmpossible deal to conceal when you feel
# The thrill of it all
# Oh, brother, I got a feeling like no other
# The moment we met
I could bet I would get
# The thrill of it all
# Love can be frightening
# A bolt from the blue
# That tender lightning
# Starts your happy heart a-thundering
I love you
# We know it, I know we know it
# We both show it
# We're walkin' on air
Look-a here, look-a there
# The thrill of it all
# The luckiest pair I declare
# When we share the thrill of it all
# Love can be frightening
# A bolt from the blue
# That tender lightning
# Starts your happy heart a-thundering
I love you
# We know it, I know we know it
# We both show it
# We're walkin' on air
Look-a here, look-a there
# The thrill of it all
# The luckiest pair I declare
# When we share the thrill of it all
# The thrill of it all #
'Dr Schultz,
you are wanted in Surgery Two, emergency.
'Dr Schultz, emergency, Surgery Two.'
- Mr Caputo?
- Yeah, that's me. That's me.
It's a beautiful seven-pound baby girl.
They're fine.
How about that? Seven-pound baby girl!
- H-How much did it weigh?
- Seven pounds.
You can see your wife and daughter now.
- Don't I have to be sterile?
- The nurse will give you a hospital gown.
Thank you, Doc. I mean, thank you, Doctor!
- You're welcome.
- Thanks.
'Dr Gerald Boyer, telephone.
Dr Gerald Boyer, telephone.
'Dr Boyer, telephone, please.'
Dr Boyer.
Who? Mr Gardiner Fra...
Oh, yes, Mr Fraleigh!
How are you, sir? What can I do for you?
Oh, not a thing, my boy.
I'm just calling on behalf
of Mrs Fraleigh and myself.
I can't tell you how utterly delighted
we both are at the news.
You're a positive genius.
I'm afraid you're giving me
more credit than I deserve.
Oh, nonsense.
We're eternally grateful to you, Doctor.
I'm happy to have done what I could.
Just a moment, Doctor.
Doctor, I'm having a family dinner tonight
to celebrate what happened.
It would give us great pleasure
if you and your wife could come.
- That's very nice of you but I...
- Please, don't say no.
I know how busy you must be
but couldn't you look on this visit
as a house call?
It would mean so much to us
if you could be there. Please?
All right, very well. We'll be there.
Thank you, Doctor.
Our chauffeur will pick you up at your home.
Oh, no, it's really no trouble at all. I insist.
- Goodbye, Mrs Fraleigh.
- Goodbye.
Let me do that for you.
Oh!
Come on, now. Sit around here.
Tilt your head back.
I said back, not forward. Come on, now.
I want to shampoo your hair.
- I don't want you to shampoo me!
- Darling, I don't have time for games today.
I have a roast in the oven
and Mommy's very busy.
- I don't want you to shampoo me.
- Maggie, why not?
- Cos that shampoo smells ooky!
- Oh, Lord.
It smells like it always smells.
Smells like the cracks in the school yard.
Can't we use the new soap you bought?
If I didn't have a roast in the oven,
you'd get the pine tar and like it.
- Mommy, the phone is ringing.
- I know it is.
Pick it up, honey, and find out who it is.
Hello? Who is this?
This is Daddy.
Hello, Andy, how's my big...
- It was Daddy.
- Oh, what did he say?
"Hello, Andy."
Answer the phone and tell Daddy
that Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair.
- Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair.
- Ask Daddy what he wants.
Don't hang up...
Oh, no, Andy.
I told Daddy.
You didn't hang up on him again?
Oh, Andrew. Now, this time
ask Daddy what he wants
and don't hang up until Daddy tells you to.
Andy, before you hang up again,
tell Mommy I want to speak with her.
Daddy wants to speak to ya.
I told you that I am shampooing
Maggie's hair.
Ask Daddy what he wants.
Would you do that, please?
Mommy's shampooing Maggie's hair
and what do you want?
Just tell Mommy not to prepare dinner
tonight because we've been invited out.
And tell her I'll be home very soon.
'You understand me, Andy?
'Do you understand Daddy?
'Did you understand me, Andy? '
Andy, did you hang up again?
Andy, are you there?
- Daddy, can I hang up now?
- Yes, you can hang up now.
Andrew, come in a minute.
What did Daddy say, honey?
- He said that he's coming home soon.
- Is that all he said?
He also said,
"Andy, did you hang up again?"
You did very well, sweetheart.
You really did.
Does the Happy soap smell better
than the ooky soap?
It does, Mommy.
It smells just like my piano teacher.
- Now I smell just like her.
- Well, that's good.
That's better than smelling like
a school yard any day.
Mommy, can I have a bath and shampoo?
What? You're not due
until tomorrow night. Huh!
Are you sure you don't mind
my leaving now, Mrs Boyer?
- I could serve and leave later.
- I won't hear of it.
- These church socials rarely start on time.
- You go right on.
Besides, I have an excellent helper.
Have you noticed?
Be careful now, honey. Don't drop it.
Well, I guess I'll be going.
I shan't be late.
Thank you so much, Mrs Boyer.
- All right, dear. Goodbye.
- Goodbye!
- Hi.
- Perfect timing.
- Between medium and medium rare.
- Beautiful.
- What was it today?
- A girl.
Didn't Andy give you my message
about our being invited out to dinner?
Oh, no. Who invited us out to dinner?
Mrs Fraleigh, one of my patients.
I told Andy to tell you.
- Well, he didn't.
- That's my boy.
Well, you've still got time to dress.
I've just roasted a $6.34 standing rib roast.
I'll eat it for breakfast.
- Hey, sweetheart.
- What?
Did you know I'm a great doctor?
I've always suspected it.
How did you find out?
I helped a lady become pregnant.
- You did what?
- She's been trying for 20 years.
Oh. Oh, really? Um, what did you do?
I gave her a piece of advice.
I told her and her husband to stop
trying to have a baby.
- You mean stopping did it?
- No, relaxing did it.
- We got a date?
- Mmm.
- What about the children?
- Let 'em get their own dates.
- But I gave Olivia the night off.
- Get a sitter.
To hire a sitter at a dollar an hour
when we're paying a housekeeper,
I just think it's a sin.
Bev, even the best of us sin once in a while.
Tonight's your night.
Now, stop it. Now, come on.
Tell me about Mrs Fraleigh.
Did you really tell her
to stop trying to have a baby?
I told her more than that.
I also told her to take a three-month
ocean cruise with her husband.
That did it, huh?
- That took the pressure off psychologically.
- Mmm.
- How did you know it would work?
- I didn't.
But I had three things working for me.
They were capable,
they loved each other
and there is very little to do
on a three-month ocean cruise.
Oh, you are a great doctor.
- The chauffeur's looking.
- Oh, he doesn't mind.
Excuse me. You don't mind if we kiss
in the back seat?
Not if it pleases you, sir.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
May I have your name, please?
Dr and Mrs Gerald Boyer.
Oh, yes, Mr and Mrs Wingate.
Will you follow me, please?
Mr and Mrs...
Something.
- I'm so glad you could come.
- I'm sorry we're late.
- Sitter problems.
- I can't wait to have that problem.
- So glad to meet you, Mrs Boyer. Doctor.
- Shh!
Shh! Damn!
- Thank you.
- Shh! Damn!
He means me.
Here it comes! Here it comes!
'Before joining the third act
of Happy Playhouse,
'here is a brief word
from our Happy Girl.'
'Hi! I'm Spot Checker.
'I've just been signed
to appear in a motion picture.
'Of course, it's just a small part.
'But all the glamorous movie stars
started out by playing small parts.
'There are so many things
a girl must learn
'before she can become
a glamorous movie star.
'First of all, she has to learn
what clothes to wear and what hairstyle.
'Oh, and how to act.
'A famous star once said to me,
"Spot," she said,
"'it's not enough that you look like a star
or act like a star.
"'You must smell like a star."
'So it was there and then
that I learned about...
'Happy soap - the heavenly soap.
'Lt smells like stars.
'Won't you join me...
'and find true happiness in your bath?
'Just you and a cake of Happy.
Couldn't sell me a cake of that soap.
- That soap saved my life today.
- Who said that?
Put the darn lights on!
- Now, who said that?
- Well, I guess I did.
- Who are you?
- She's with me, sir.
Father, this is Dr Boyer and his wife.
Dr Boyer's my obstetrician.
Oh, yeah! Nice goin', Doc.
Now, young lady,
what the devil did you mean,
"That soap saved my life today"?
It was just a figure of speech, Mr Fraleigh.
How in tarnation can a soap save your life?
Maybe I put it too strongly
but if it weren't for Happy soap,
I'd still be in a hassle with my daughter.
- How's that?
- You really want to hear this?
Yeah. Go on!
Well, um, for years, I've been shampooing
my daughter Maggie's hair
- with a pine tar shampoo.
- Huh?
- With a pine tar shampoo.
- Oh.
- Today she refused to let me.
- Why?
She said the shampoo smelled like
the cracks in the school yard.
- Smelled like what?
- Shut up, shut up! Go on, go on!
Well, she just refused
to let me wash her hair.
Heaven knows she needed it, because
her brother Andrew hit her with a mud ball.
- Ha!
- Why, that little son of a gun.
Because she hit him with one first
right in the mouth.
Ha, ha! Mud ball, right in the mouth. Go on!
Oh, well, she, uh, uh, finally agreed
to let me wash her hair.
But only if I would use Happy soap.
So I did, and she just loved it.
She said that it made her
smell like her piano teacher.
Hear that?
Then her brother Andrew insisted
that I wash his hair with Happy soap.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Mud balls in the mouth! Little kids
that like to smell like their piano teacher.
- Dad, you shouldn't be getting excited.
- Shouldn't be getting excited?
That's the damn trouble with
you young 'uns.
You never know when to get excited!
You should be shoutin' instead of me.
- I should?
- Darn right.
An advertising man.
Don't even know when to shout.
Father, please, we have guests.
If I don't set the sticks of dynamite,
no holes get dug.
Young lady, how would you like to go on
the TV and say what you just said to me?
Uh, what?
- On television.
- Why?
Why? Because I manufacture Happy soap
and I think you can sell it.
But, sir, we've worked so closely
with Spot Checker.
I know how closely you work.
I thought Spot inviting people to join her
in her bath was very effective.
Maybe they're bathing with her
but they aren't using Happy soap.
I like you. Have a nut.
What you said is
what I like to hear on the TV.
- Never did like them skinny starlings.
- "Lets", Dad.
- Let's what?
- Starlets, not starlings.
- Oh, shut up!
- Father, must you?
Yep. Only way to shut him up.
Well, what do you say?
Next Friday on the Happy Playhouse?
Oh, Mr Fraleigh, really. I'm very flattered.
But, um, oh, I couldn't.
- Why not?
- I'm not an actress. I'm a housewife.
Mr Fraleigh, I know my wife.
When she says no...
All I'm asking you to do is
to say the exact thing you said to me.
Only difference is
you'll be saying it to a camera,
and they'll be paying you $332 to say it.
Mr Fraleigh, you're wasting your time.
I know Beverly.
Gerald, um...
if it means that much,
uh, to Mr Fraleigh,
um, maybe I could go on television.
- Beverly!
- Next Friday, it's a deal! Now let's eat.
Bring on the grub!
Hello. My name is Beverly Boyer
and I'd like to tell all of you lovely people
about something that happened
at my home the other afternoon.
Tsk. Oh, dear.
Now, Maggie, why aren't we eating
our porridge?
- It has too many lumps.
- Well, we'll fix that.
Can I have Maggie's lumps?
- Now, really, you don't want them.
- Yes, he does!
I roll 'em in sugar and they taste like candy.
Good morning, group.
- Good morning, Daddy!
- Hi, Daddy.
No breakfast for me today, Olivia.
- Where are you goin'?
- To the hospital.
- You gonna deliver a baby?
- Mm-hm.
- Can you bring it home?
- Course he can't. It's not his baby.
Daddy's only the delivery man,
like the milkman.
But Daddy brought you and me home.
Mommy helped with those deliveries.
If she helps again, will you bring it home?
- OK, I will.
- Oh, you promise, Daddy?
I promise. So long, tiger.
Sweetie. Mm-mmm.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, Daddy.
Drink up your milk.
You want to say ta-ta to Mommy.
We'll be tardy for school. Come on.
Hi there.
My name is Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a housewife.
I'd like to tell all of you about what happened
at my house just the other night.
Hi!
Oh. Hello.
Hi, folks.
My name is Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a housewife.
Mommy, why are you talking to your mirror?
- Oh!
- Why are you talking to your mirror?
Oh, honey, Mother's not talking to the mirror.
She's practising.
- To say your name?
- No, silly. I know my name.
- Hey, you know what?
- What? What? What?
- Mommy's gonna be on television.
- On television?
- Yeah!
- Can we watch ya? Can we watch ya?
Yes, you can. Wait. It might be a bit late
for you, so we have to ask Daddy.
- Yay!
- Mommy's gonna be on television.
Isn't that nice?
- How about that?
- There's your ride. Kiss Mommy goodbye.
Mommy's gonna be a big television star.
I love you. Goodbye.
Goodbye, Mommy.
Hello, I'm Beverly Boyer,
and I'm going to be a big television star.
Ohhh.
'So, none of you knows anything.'
- When's Mommy comin' on?
- Shh. Soon, Andy.
'And you know of no, uh, Allied Forces
in the area? '
- 'No.'
- Is that Mommy?
No, Mommy doesn't have black hair.
'You are a very obstinate, proud people.
'But we have ways to make you remember.'
You are completely innocent,
aren't you? Know absolutely nothing.
Oop!
Very well.
We have ways of making you remember
these little unimportant details.
Ways you will not forget.
All right, guard, take them away.
Ah, the young girl, let her stay.
Maybe, mademoiselle, you would care
for a glass of wine?
It is an excellent wine.
Perhaps I will take the wine.
Ah, that is better.
Ah, yes, Frulein, you will learn,
as, uh, your people will have to,
that if they want to, uh,
fill their stomachs again,
they will have to swallow a little pride
along with the food.
You... Guards!
You... you pig!
And what are you if I am a pig?
You're on.
Oh, hello, I'm Beverly Boyer,
and I'm a pig.
- A pig?
- Pig?
- Pig!
- What did Mommy say?
She said she was a pig.
Move over, move over.
Get over there.
- May I start again, please?
- Go ahead.
Um, hello, um,
my name is Beverly Boyer
and I'm a housewife.
Quiet.
And what I'd like to tell you is, um,
about how Happy soap saved my life.
'Um, last week I was in such a hassle
with my daughter Maggie.
'Uh, um, she wouldn't let me wash her hair
with our regular shampoo.'
And, um, she said that it, um, um,
it smelled like the cracks
in the school yard.
Shh! Shh!
You know how children can get.
And, um, anyway, that afternoon I purchased
several bars of Happy soap.
Pick up the bar.
The other bar.
- And, um...
- Turn it around.
Um, uh...
Uh, um... And she insisted
that I wash her hair with the new soap.
- Not new.
- Oh! No.
Happy soap is not a new soap,
it's um, it's an old soap.
I just had never used it before.
- You have used it.
- I haven't.
I really have not used this soap before.
And anyway, what I want to tell you is
that I did use it to shampoo her hair.
And she loved it.
And she said to me, "Oh, Mommy,
now I smell like my piano teacher."
She did.
And all I want to say is
that the soap worked just fine.
'And it got rid of all the traces
of the mud balls.'
- Mud balls?
- Yeah! Mud balls!
Cut! Cut!
- Bye.
- Smile!
Keep smiling.
Keep smiling. Take it off her.
She's not gonna say anything else.
That'll be four and a quarter, lady.
- Keep the change.
- Oh, thanks.
Listen, lady, I don't know
what he did to ya,
but like I always say, "To err is human,
and to forgive is humaner."
That a way, lady. Forgive and forget.
If you'll forgive, I'll try to forget.
Was it really that bad, sweetheart?
If anybody asks me to go on television
again, I hope you'll...
I will. I'll beat 'em off with my stethoscope.
Yeah, you heard me. I said I want that girl.
But Dad, we already have a commitment
with Spot Checker.
- 34 more baths at $1,500 a bath.
- Tell her she's washed up.
Dad, I think you're being a little premature.
You do, huh?
Don't you read the papers?
"Last night on Happy Playhouse
the only moment of originality
"was produced by a disarming young lady
who delivered the commercial.
"It's a sad day for television
"when the sponsor's message
has more value than the play."
Get her!
Beverly is my new Happy Girl!
Hi, Daddy! Oh, you're not my daddy.
- A wise child. Is your mother home?
- Who is it, Andrew?
It's not Daddy. It's a man.
Take me to your mother.
Well, who is it?
It's Mike Palmer.
Oh. I'm sorry, Mr Palmer,
but I'm very busy.
Mrs Boyer, would you consider becoming
the television spokeswoman
for Happy soap?
- I don't think that's a bit funny.
- I'm serious.
They want you to sell Happy soap.
That's ridiculous. I was terrible.
I stammered all over the place.
I looked like an idiot.
Yes, I thought so.
But Old Tom was enchanted
with your stammering.
Do you mean
that you're actually offering me a job?
Not me. The old man.
Well, I'm not interested.
I will never go on television again ever.
- I am definitely not interested.
- If you heard the amount, you might be.
You don't know me very well.
May I, please? Thank you.
If you don't mind,
I really have a lot of work to do.
You, uh...
You bottle your own ketchup?
Yes, yes, I do.
Oh, here, allow me.
- There we go. Where do you want it?
- Here, please.
- All right.
- Thank you. Goodbye, Mr Palmer.
I have never seen anybody make ketchup
before. It's a fascinating...
Mr Palmer, I told you before.
I am not going on television.
I have never been so embarrassed
in my life.
I made a fool of myself.
There were about 1,200 people
who didn't think so.
What 1,200 people?
The 1,200 people who called after the show
and said you were the most refreshing,
sincere person who ever sold a bar of soap.
Oh, they were laughing at me in the studio.
For just a few seconds there
you were... you were funny.
But look, when you got down to selling soap,
you sure sold soap.
Nope. There is nothing you can say
that will make me change my mind.
So you can just take your $332
and-and-and please leave.
I'm leaving.
But, uh, with more than $332.
I don't care if it's 500!
It's more than twice that.
A thousand dollars? That's ridiculous.
Not as ridiculous as $1,500... a week.
$1,500 a week?
For 52 weeks.
Fift...
How much is 52 times 1,500?
About 80,000.
Oh!
Mrs Boyer! Mrs Boyer!
Are you all right?
Hey, how's my favourite son?
- Mommy's in the cellar with a man.
- Oh? Anyone we know?
No, Daddy. We don't know him.
Did you say 80 thous... $80,000?
Yes, yes, $80,000.
Here. Let me help you up.
- What ya doin', folks?
- What?
Making ketchup, dear. Um...
You know... you know Mike Palmer.
- Yes, I remember Mr Palmer.
- He was just telling me...
- Allow me.
- Oh. Right.
Very gallant, sir.
Come all the way from the city just to help
a lady out of a basket of tomatoes.
You did tell him no?
No? What do you mean?
- Mommy, you've got tomatoes all over ya.
- Yes, darling, I know.
I assume he offered you a job.
I read the reviews.
Andy, please, don't do that.
- I was wipin' the tomatoes off.
- I'll take care of it. Go out and play, please.
- Can I play with the tomatoes?
- No.
I like to squoosh around.
Will you please stop that
and do as you're told?
- Well, darling?
- Well, um, actually, um...
Mr Palmer did offer me a job. He did.
But I turned him down flat, many times.
- Even asked me to leave.
- I did.
- Go on.
- And, um...
But I just couldn't say no to $80,000!
- 80,000?
- Yes!
- That's ridiculous!
- That's just what I said.
You two would be most comfortable
and happy
discussing my ridiculous offer in private.
I'll call you tomorrow. Bye, now.
- Beverly?
- Huh?
- Beverly, what are you thinking?
- Er, um...
- I'm thinking of taking a shower.
- Beverly!
You'll be leaving the children alone
too often.
And I can't believe they're going
to pay you $80,000
just to come down
to the studio once a week.
Why is Daddy yelling at Mommy?
Because Mommy wants to be a TV star
and Daddy doesn't want her to be.
Oh, that's mean.
It's not as if we need the money.
Our bank balance is healthy.
There's no reason for you to work.
Dr Boyer, you are a fraud.
- Oh!
- How did you arrive at that?
Oh, I've got you now, dear.
Right here, and I quote:
"In some cases, household duties,
important as they are,
"are not sufficient to gratify
a woman's desire for expression.
"Mrs America might do well
to start early in her marriage
"a planned cultivation
of outside interests and hobbies."
- Ridiculous!
- Ah, you wrote it, darling.
I know I did but it doesn't pertain to you.
- Oh, it doesn't?
- Certainly not.
You're planning for our kids
to remain young forever.
Of course I'm not.
Daddy's not planning
for us to remain young.
Can he do that?
You have outside interests and hobbies.
You have the PTA
and you make your own ketchup...
The PTA and home-bottled ketchup.
That is it. And it's not very fulfilling.
I didn't realise your life lacked fulfilment.
You've always shouted how being
a doctor's wife was career enough.
It is. I didn't mean to sound
as if I'm unhappy.
I'm very happy, and you know that. But...
But selling Happy soap
would make you happier.
You know I would never consciously go out
looking for a job, don't you?
But to have something like this
just land in my lap.
Honey. Honey. It's only once a week.
And I won't let anything interfere
with my wifely duties. I promise.
Shot down by my own artillery.
The programme is over at 9:00
so I should be home by 10:30, Olivia.
Andrew hasn't had his vitamin pills,
so see that he gets those.
Maggie wants to wear
her flowered panties tomorrow.
- You'll have to hand wash them.
- I will.
If Dr Boyer comes home before I do,
tell him there's a note
in the kitchen on the board.
The children want to watch me tonight.
I said, "Absolutely not, it's too late."
So if they give you an argument,
you let 'em watch.
Children! Mommy's leaving!
Hurry up! I'm late. I want a kiss.
- Bye, Mommy!
- Bye, Mommy!
Oh! What have you been doing?
- I thought they were watching television.
- Oh!
I'm making Andy's hair smell happy again,
like my piano teacher.
Mommy, the happy smell wore off.
Something else is gonna wear off
if you don't get up in that bathroom.
- I'm so late.
- I'll take care of the little devils.
Make sure they don't drown each other.
Goodbye! Goodbye, all! See ya!
What did he say?
"The happy smell wore off."
"'Mommy, the happy smell wore off."
'Those were his exact words.
'And, um, well, there he was, standing
in the hallway with a head full of shampoo,
'dripping all over my nice blue rug.
'Ls he gonna get it when I get home.
'Maggie said she was making his hair
smell happy.
'L-I know it sounds silly, of course,
'but I always say,
"Don't knock it till you try it."
'And, um, tonight, I'm going to go home
and shampoo my hair with Happy soap,
'and I'll let you know.
'Oh! Oh, um, I meant to tell you,
'don't forget you can shower with it.
'And we know it's good for that.
'Bye.'
'Now the third act
of Happy Playhouse... '
Gentlemen, what do you think?
Would you hire her to sell soap?
It's difficult to make a snap appraisal
until we test-market her potential.
I'd go along with Billings on that.
I'd rather not comment
until exploratory samplings can be made.
I advised against it
but they hired her anyway.
You mean she's already been hired?
- One year, solid.
- But why?
Because my dad ordered it.
Oh. Well, uh, now that I think about it,
I'm inclined to go along with your dad.
She has a new and honest approach
to the product.
Yes, I'd go along with Billings
going along with your dad.
- She does have a-a-a...
- New and honest approach?
Yes, I'll go along with that.
- What do you think, Van Camp?
- Oh, I quite agree.
- With what?
- With everything.
Good thinking.
Come in.
'And now we return... '
Oh! Mrs Boyer.
We were just talking about you.
- Oh, Mike, was I all right?
- You were wonderful.
I was so nervous.
I wish you'd write things out for me.
- Mrs Boyer.
- Hello, Mr Fraleigh.
- Mr Billings, Mr Stokely, Mr Van Camp.
- How do you do, gentlemen?
How do you do?
You were just fine.
That's exactly what Dad wants.
Oh, good. I hope I pleased him.
You were delightful.
We'll tell you all about it at the party tonight.
- What party?
- It's at the Cartier Hotel.
I want all my staff
and network people to meet you.
Oh, I didn't know about a party.
- Oh.
- And my husband's expecting me at home.
Oh, well, he would be
perfectly welcome to join us.
After all, you are our guest of honour.
- Why, certainly.
- Oh! Really?
Oh. That's very nice.
Um, uh, maybe I could call him
at the hospital
and he could meet me at the party
when he's finished.
- Fine, fine, fine.
- Oh, I'll do that. Good.
I hate to be a killjoy but shouldn't we watch
the art we're sponsoring this week?
Oh, good heavens. Third act, third act.
- Mike, may I phone from here?
- Yeah, sure. Right here.
Oh, hello, is Dr Boyer there, please?
Oh, yes, I'll wait.
'Lorraine, what a surprise. You will join me
in a glass of champagne, won't you?
'Waiter, another glass, please.
'Well, what a pleasant surprise. I must say
you're looking marvellously well, my dear.
'Ln honour of this occasion,
I'd like to propose a toast.
'To you, Lorraine.
Thank heavens I didn't marry you.
'Tell me, do you still have
those magnificent soft, white shoulders?
'Whom do you tantalise with them now?
'You... you... you tramp!
'Waiter! You tramp! '
Hey, isn't that scene like the one last week
with the Nazi and that woman?
Similar but the public doesn't notice
things like that.
They did that play last week
except they wore different costumes.
Yeah, it's the same story.
It's much too subtle a variation
for the public to detect.
Yes? Oh, no, don't bother him now.
But would you please give him a message?
He's to meet you at the Cartier Hotel
in the private dining room.
Till 1:00. All right, Mrs Boyer.
I'll see he gets the message.
'Dr Krindle,
you are wanted in Surgery One.'
Hello, um, I'm trying to get in touch
with Mrs Beverly Boyer.
There ain't nobody here now.
Beverly? Oh, the one that did
the commercial. Cute girl.
'She's gonna be on next week.
Why don't you try and give her a ring then? '
Thanks. I'll do that.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Oh, Beverly. Oh, you must be
so proud of yourself.
I'd be absolutely petrified
if I had to stand in front of a camera.
I was! I was a nervous wreck.
I didn't know what I was going to say.
I just rattled on.
Your rattling is what made that commercial.
It's so refreshing to hear
someone speak so naturally
and so honestly about a product.
Thank you. We're pleased
you like our new approach.
- Your new approach?
- It's been on our launching pad.
Just waited until we found
our little astronaut.
- We haven't seen Dr Boyer.
- Oh, that's right.
- What time is it, please?
- After 1:00.
Is it? Oh, well, he should be along
any minute now.
"Cold fried chicken in the meat keeper.
Will be home about 10:30.
"I love you, Bev."
Olivia?
Olivia, are you awake?
Olivia? Are you asleep?
Olivia?
- Who are you? What do you want?
- It's me!
Oh, Dr Boyer, I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't know it was you.
Do you always sleep with a bat?
You read such awful things
in the newspapers.
A girl can't be too careful.
- What was it you wanted?
- Did my wife call tonight?
It's after 1:00. She's not home yet.
- You mean she isn't in the house?
- No, she isn't.
You mean you and I are here alone?
Now, calm yourself, Olivia.
I didn't come here for any foul purpose.
Get out of my room!
Get out of my room! Get out!
- I hereby tender my resignation!
- Accepted.
Mommy! Mommy! I'm scared.
- Hello? Andy.
- Mommy, I'm scared.
- 'Gerald? '
- Yes, and where the devil are you?
Andy, it's all right.
Gerald, what is going on around there?
- Is that Andy crying?
- 'Yes.'
- What woke him?
- 'Olivia was screaming.'
Olivia? What was she screaming about?
'She thought I wanted
to get into bed with her.'
She thought you wanted to... What?!
I'll be right home.
- Where have you been?
- What happened?
Olivia, your taxi's here.
Taxi? Olivia? Where are you going?
I'm leaving. I'll not linger
in this den of iniquity one moment longer.
But, Olivia, you're so happy here,
and you know we all love you.
Well, I don't need that kind of love.
Olivia? Gerald Boyer,
will you please tell me what went on?
If you'd been home where you belonged,
whatever went on would not have gone on.
Where are you going?
It is all right if I take time out from
my household duties to deliver a baby?
- Mommy! Mommy! I'm scared!
- Oh!
Look into the lens.
Wet your lips. Now, love that soap.
Good. Good.
Got it!
Mike. Mike?
Kissing a bar of soap is a bit much, really.
The caption will read.
"Happy soap saved my life."
You'd kiss someone who saved your life.
Just one more now, darling.
- How much longer will I be, please?
- Just once more, dear.
I've got to get going, Mike.
I've got a new maid.
- She's going to run into difficulties...
- Beverly! Please!
Let's just get this one last one now.
Good. Good.
- Hello? Was is it?
- Hello, this is Dr Boyer.
Dr Boyer nicht home. He hospital.
No, I'm Dr Boyer.
I'd like to speak to Mrs Boyer.
Mrs Boyer, picture parlour.
Ich sagen Nein! Doctor not home!
Hello? Hello?
I guess I'm not home.
- Miss Thompson.
- Yes, Doctor?
- Do you speak any German?
- A little high school German.
Please call my home and try to make
the new housekeeper understand
that I will be home for dinner
but I'll be a little late.
I'll try, Doctor.
I'll get it, Mrs Goethe.
- Hello?
- Hello. My name is Frulein Thompson.
Ich bin eine Krankenschwester.
Uh, uh, um...
Oh, oh, um...
Ein moment, please.
Uh, bitte. Bitte. Uh, uh...
Mrs Goethe, it's for you!
Ich komm schon, ich komm schon.
Hello? Was ist?
Uh, ich call for Dr Boyer.
Doctor not home! Call spter ja?
She says you're not home.
She's right.
Oh! Oh, darling. I didn't expect you tonight.
You should have called me.
Every time I called,
I found out I wasn't home.
- What?
- Oh, never mind.
Hi, Doc. Your wife's gonna be queen
of the ten-second station breaks.
- I'm filming a commercial.
- What time will you be home?
- I'm free tonight. No babies due.
- I shouldn't be too long, should I?
It's only a ten-second commercial.
Kiss me for good luck, darling.
Oh! Goodbye, darling!
- Good night. Thank you.
- You tired?
I'm fine, except that it took longer
than I thought.
- Well, you were wonderful.
- Was I?
- You were, you just have this...
- Thank you.
Oh, darling. I'm so sorry I'm late.
A ten-second commercial?
I'll just drift off.
Good night. It was wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
I didn't dream it was going to be
as complicated as it was.
You have no idea how long everything took -
make-up, costumes, hair...
- Where are you going?
- A baby that wasn't due decided it was.
- Better not wait up for me.
- It won't always be this hectic.
I hope not. Good night.
- Oh, hello, Herr Doctor.
- Hello, Mrs Goethe.
- I don't imagine Mrs Boyer's home?
- Ja, Missus home.
- That's a surprise.
- What you say?
- I didn't see her car in the driveway.
- Her car! Car in back house.
- In the garage?
- Ja. Missus upstairs.
- Oh, she pretty. All dressed up.
- Pretty?
- Is that so?
- Ja.
- You want something eat?
- Perhaps later.
Oh! You pretty too!
Oh! Oh, Gerald!
Oh, honey, are you all right? Oh, darling.
Darling? Darling? Are you all right?
Oh. We were taking pictures, sweetheart.
We wanted to do this at the studio but we...
Yes, they did, and, uh,
I thought it was a good idea to do it here.
- Oh. Mike, would you leave us alone?
- Yeah, fellas, let's take a break.
Sweetheart. Oh!
Oh!
So this was your idea?
- Darling, I did it for you.
- For me?
- You had all this brought in here for me?
- I meant us.
We've seen each other so little,
I thought instead of going to a studio,
if I were to do the layout here...
Oh, we'd get a chance to see each other.
Yes. I'll be finished in a couple of hours.
- I'm due at the hospital in a couple of hours.
- Oh.
I'll just have the photographers wait.
They can get their shots after you leave.
Oh, and we could see each other
while they wait in the hall?
Gerald Boyer, where are you going?
I'm going to take a drive
in an open convertible
and try very hard to cool off!
Hey, why don't you look what you're doin'?
Let me have your driver's licence, mister.
What? Oh, oh, it's all right, Officer.
I'm a doctor.
I don't care if you're Peter Pan.
Now, give me your driver's licence.
- B-but that's my wife up there.
- That's very nice.
Wouldn't you stop and look
if you suddenly saw your wife
staring down at you from a billboard?
I wouldn't stop and look
if my wife was hangin' up there.
Here. Now, get that car outta here
and the next time, look at your wife at home.
I would if she was ever there.
Ten bucks just to look at my wife?
There. Some vitamins and minerals
I'd like you to take.
Mm-hm. Doctor, couldn't you give me
a little clue as to when I might expect it?
I know how impatient you are
but there's nothing to do now but wait.
You may not believe it, Doctor,
but I am really not impatient.
I've waited such a long time
for this experience,
I'm savouring every minute of it.
You know something?
I... I've been taking very long walks
up and down Fifth Avenue.
Fine. Exercise is very important.
I don't walk for the exercise.
I walk to show off.
I'm proud of my condition. Is that silly?
That's about the healthiest attitude
you could have.
Oh, I don't know when
I've been so happy.
Oh, I guess there's nothing more fulfilling
in life than having a baby.
Oh, listen to me. Something you've
probably heard a thousand times.
Never stated so beautifully.
- Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you next week.
- If not before.
Oh!
'There's nothing more
fulfilling in life than having a baby.'
Miss Thompson,
would you come in, please?
Yes, Doctor?
Miss Thompson, would you please send
three dozen roses to my home
and a couple of bottles
of champagne - imported?
Then reserve a table
at the, uh, Ritz Pavilion
and call Mrs Boyer
and have her meet me there at 8 o'clock.
- Yes, Doctor. Is it Mrs Boyer's birthday?
- Her birthday? No, no, not exactly.
But it may be somebody's.
Party of four. Ten o'clock? Yes.
- A marvellous idea!
- I should have invited you out weeks ago.
- Yes, sir?
- Yes, I have a reservation. Dr Gerald Boyer.
Oh, yes, Dr Boyer.
There will be a little wait.
Your table will be ready soon.
I made the reservation for eight o'clock.
It's after that now.
I am sorry, sir. We have been
rather busy tonight. Please.
Aren't you Beverly Boyer, the Happy Girl?
- Yes, I am.
- Oh, may I have your autograph?
For my little granddaughter.
She's only three but she just loves
to listen to you talk about your soap.
- Really? Oh, how nice.
- How stupid of me, Miss Boyer.
Please forgive me.
Of course I have a table for you.
- Thank you.
- Waiter.
Table three for Miss Boyer and party.
Please follow me.
Thank you.
Perhaps Miss Beverly
wish to have some wine?
Uh, we'd like some champagne, please.
Well. Thank you.
Excuse me.
Aren't you the Happy Girl, Beverly?
- Yes, I am.
- See, Lena? I told you.
May we have your autograph, Miss Beverly?
My niece's daughter would adore it.
- Do you have a pen?
- Oh. I don't know...
- Here, dear.
- Thank you.
Now me. It's for a neighbour's child.
Would you personalise it?
Just write: "To Georgie,
"a sweet, darling little boy
of whom I am very fond of."
- And sign it.
- Uh, pardon me.
- But are you anybody?
- Well...
- This is my husband.
- Oh, Mr Beverly!
No, Doctor Beverly.
- I mean Dr Boyer.
- Married to a doctor. Isn't that nice?
We'll be watching you on TV, Beverly.
Remember to wave to us.
- Thank you.
- Uh, that's my pen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, darling, I'm sorry.
- What a thing to say.
- It's OK, sweetheart. I'm not that sensitive.
It is Beverly Boyer!
You're so much prettier on television,
I didn't recognise you.
Aren't you the announcer who says,
"Here she is, Miss Beverly"?
I take it back. I am that sensitive.
Come on, sweetheart.
- Oh, but I want your autograph.
- We're going. We don't have a pen.
Has it ever occurred to any of you college
brains we're not making full use of our girl?
Dad, she has been on the air every Friday
for the past five months.
- She is on billboards.
- Spot commercials.
- Magazines.
- Radio.
- Newspapers.
- What else is there?
What else is there?
There's Happy detergent, you boobs.
Get another programme
and let her sell detergent!
Yes, Dad.
What kind of programme, Dad?
What's the difference?
One of them damn shows where everybody
in the family is smarter than the father.
Or buy me a tall marshal
with a goofy sidekick. Don't matter.
Come on!
Look at the colour.
Andy, it's not a toy. It's a new set.
Now, y-you've gone too far.
One more.
That's enough.
'Pour one.'
'We don't serve drinks to killers.'
'Now, Kitty, who'd I ever kill? '
'My father and my brother, to name two.'
'Bartender, a bottle and two glasses.'
Wouldn't you be more comfortable in bed?
- We wanna see Mommy first.
- We didn't see Mommy today.
Ja, they nicht see Mama today.
First they school, and then Mama go
to pretty parlour.
Well, all right, you can see Mommy,
but right after Mommy, to bed, huh?
'All right, Kitty, pour.
'Pour! '
She's gonna hit him
on the head with the bottle.
But first she's gonna spritz him.
'I'm not gonna hurt you, Kitty.
'Ah, you, you...
'You... you floozy!
'You... you tramp! '
'ln a moment, the conclusion
of this week's Marshal Tucker, MD.
'But first, an important message
from our Happy Girl, Beverly Boyer.'
'Hi. You know, it really seems funny
talking to you on a Tuesday night
'since Friday's been my day
to tell people about Happy soap.'
They still haven't seen
their mommy today. Mrs Goethe.
'Don't get your hopes up because
you're still going to hear a commercial.
'Unless, of course, you decide to go
to the kitchen for a sandwich
'or, um, you know, bottle of beer.
'I'm going to tell you
about another Happy product.
'Happy detergent.
'Now, its label makes many claims.
'Lt says it's good for dishes,
clothes, woodwork...
'and even the tile
around your swimming pool.
'Of course, I wouldn't know about that
because, you see, I don't have a pool.
'And I'm certainly not about to put one in
just to, um, test this.
'But I do know this - that the Happy people
make a fine product.
'And they wouldn't lie. Bye.'
Good girl! Turn her off. Turn her off.
Is that you, Palmer?
Get her a swimming pool.
Damn the cost.
I want it in her back yard
in time for the next commercial.
You don't have to get permission.
I want it to be a surprise.
Now get over there and start diggin'!
I want it in by tomorrow night.
Give me a nut.
- Good morning.
- You wait for Missus. She come soon.
- Yeah. Here we are.
- Ah! Ah! Du Lieber!
She no tell me she order hole!
Oh, well, don't worry, Mrs Goethe.
This is a surprise.
When will Mrs Boyer be back?
She come for lunch, 12:00,
and then you see!
- Mom, can we play golf till lunch is ready?
- Yes, darling, in the back yard.
Hurray! Hurray! Come on, Maggie.
You be the caddy.
Don't chop up the lawn like Daddy.
Take it easy.
Ich hab gesagt, warte einen Moment,
aber sie haben getan, was sie wollen.
Mrs Goethe, you're speaking
in German again, dear.
- I don't know what you're saying.
- Mommy, Mommy!
Go out and play in the yard.
- There's no back yard.
- They took it away!
- Andrew, now really.
- Honest, Mommy. Come and look.
- Ja, go!
- I guess we have to play games.
- Who did that?
- I didn't. I didn't even swing my club once.
- No, he didn't do it, Mommy.
- Who did that?
- Maybe Daddy did.
- Compliments of Happy detergent.
One filtered swimming pool.
What? A swimming pool?
For your children to swim in
and for you to do commercials.
Oh but that's ridiculous!
Does my husband know about this?
- No. We thought you'd like to surprise him.
- Oh! Surprise him?
He wouldn't object to
you getting a free swimming pool?
Ever since the restaurant,
he objects to everything I get -
money, compliments, pools...
Pools? Oh, Mike!
Stanley, we want a real high pyramid.
High up as you can get it.
All right. Straight line right along here.
Use all these boxes.
'I guess
there's nothing more fulfilling in life
'than having a baby.'
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sweetheart, I'd like to apologise
for my behaviour.
These last few weeks, I've been, well,
less than a loving husband.
Oh, darling, I haven't given you
much of a chance to be.
- Ever since that night at the restaurant...
- I know. I'm sorry.
I would like to make it up to you.
- When?
- Well...
do you have any plans for tonight?
No. I was just waiting
for a call from my husband.
What was that?
- Sounds like rain.
- Mm-hm.
- I left the top down on the convertible.
- Mm-hm.
I guess I'm gonna have to put it
in the garage.
Mmm.
- Hey.
- Hm?
Don't you run off.
The pool!
Gerald!
- Gerry!
- What?
Gerry, I forgot to tell you we have a pool.
Oh!
Oh!
Gerald, I'm coming. Darling, I'm coming.
Oh! Oh, darling, you're dripping wet!
- Where did the pool come from?
- You must be chilled to the bone.
It's a heated pool. How did it get here?!
- Please don't shout.
- I have to to be heard over that bilge pump!
- It's a filter.
- I know what it is.
- I want to know how it got in my back yard!
- Please be quiet. I'll tell you.
- Why get so excited, darling?
- Excited?
I just drove my car into a swimming pool!
Gerald? You always said you wanted a pool.
Don't you think I should be consulted
before you spend $5,000 of our money?
Oh, so that's what it is. Darling,
I didn't spend one cent of our money.
Oh, I see. It's come to that!
- Come to what?
- "Our" money and "your" money.
Well, let me tell you.
This is still our house
and our back yard and our children,
and when we build a swimming pool,
it will be built with our money.
And what is our money?
Our money is what I earn by being a doctor.
Oh, and what I've earned is not ours?
- It's yours!
- Oh!
I'm not allowed to participate
in this household?
What's mine is mine
and what's yours is ours?
- If you like.
- Well, I don't like.
Whatever happened to my rights
as a woman?
I'll tell you what happened.
They grew and grew until they suffocated
my rights as a man.
Whoever said all men are created equal
didn't anticipate a woman making $100,000
a year to spend on swimming pools.
I did not spend it on swimming pools!
You're gonna wake the children.
Good! Lt'll give 'em a chance
to get reacquainted with their mother.
By the way, how many minutes
did they see you today?
Many more minutes
than they've seen you, Dr Boyer.
Oh, I gotta hand it to you.
Now you have finally done it.
Done what?
Succeeded in equating the delivery of
a baby with the delivery of a commercial.
Oh!
- What are you doing?
- Filling this suitcase with my clothes.
Oh, really? Well, I'll help you.
And I'm gonna continue until you give up
this asinine career
and go back to being a wife.
- "Go back to being a wife"?
- Yes!
- That's mine! Give me that!
- This husband likes to see his wife.
And not staring at him from a billboard
or looking up at him from a magazine ad.
I want to see her in person and often.
- Are you giving me an ultimatum?
- Yes, damn it!
Well, that's just fine.
You can see me on page 41!
- You might need this.
- You can reach me at the office.
If you get tired of kissing soap!
You ask her.
But her eyes are closed. Mommy said never
to wake her if her eyes are closed.
- They're not closed tight. Look.
- They look tight.
There's a little slit in this one. See?
- I don't see no slit.
- Right there.
Oh, now I see it. It's a big slit.
Mm.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mommy.
- Are you awake?
- What is it?
Can we go out and play in the snow?
Do we have to put
our snow suits on, Mommy?
- M-hm.
- Will you go help us build a snowman?
- What?
- A snowman.
Andrew, there's no snow, sweetheart.
- Yes, there is. Out in the backyard.
- It didn't snow in the front.
- Honest, Mommy.
- Honest, Mommy. Come and look.
Mommy's so tired.
Oh.
Do I have to do this? Huh?
What is out here, now?
What are you showing me?
What? What is this?
It's slippery.
What is this? Oh! Where are you?
Come out of here.
Come on! It's... Oh! Come on here!
Ach, du liebe...!
Ach! Ach!
Oh!
Was ist?
Coming!
- Oh. Hello.
- Hiya.
- Did you call about the stuff?
- Yes. It's in the backyard. Around there.
I know it's none of my business, lady,
but how did you happen to get three
truckloads of potatoes in your backyard?
- Potatoes?
- Says so right here. "Pick up spuds."
- Oh, no, that's a mistake.
- I figured it was.
What kind of a nut would have three
truckloads of spuds in their backyard?
- No, it's suds.
- Suds?
Suds.
It's beautiful!
Yeah, it's... it's like heaven.
That's the closest
to heaven you'll ever get.
- It's a shame to bust the thing up.
- Look at the different shapes.
That has an angel with wings.
- Hey, yeah.
- That looks like one of Santy's reindeers.
- Hey, there's a naked lady.
- Where? Where? Where?
- Ah, the wind blew the best parts away.
- Aw.
Look, guys. You two
take the angel with the wings.
You two, take that reindeer.
- I'll take the naked lady.
- Oh!
- Careful of this stuff.
- I love this kind of work.
This is the best-smellin' garbage
I ever handled.
Hey, I lost the lady's head.
Wait a minute. Here it is.
- Hey, how do you keep it on the shovel?
- Watch it, Louie.
Pardon me. Do you know
if they're sending the crane over?
- You kidding? This stuff ain't heavy.
- Oh, not for this.
- There's a car at the bottom of the pool.
- A car.
- Yes.
- You mean like an automobile?
- Exactly.
- How did you ever manage...?
I can't go into it now
but it's down there. Believe me.
Hey, guys, the lady says
there's a car at the bottom of the pool.
- No foolin'! A regular car?
- A regular car.
- How 'bout that. What kind of car is it?
- A convertible.
And you can't miss it.
It's the only one down there.
She probably overloaded
her washing machine.
They tell you not to but some people
just don't read the boxes.
M- hm.
All right, stand back, folks.
We're gonna haul her up.
OK, Charlie! Take her up!
Oh, good morning, Dr Ehrlich.
M- hm.
Oh, er, er,
just spent the night in a hotel.
M- hmm.
Miss Thompson. Miss Thompson?
- Yes, Doctor?
- Could I borrow a match, Doctor?
- Oh, certainly.
- Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry. Your matches.
Huh. I had matches in my pocket
all the time. What do you think of that?
- What do you think of it?
- What do I think of it?
Oh! You mean
what's the hidden psychiatric meaning
behind my borrowing a match
when I already had matches?
Well, I'd call it absent-mindedness.
I'm sure that you would
diagnose it as, er,
a convenient subconscious attempt
for me to come in here and chat with you.
Do you have a minute, Doctor?
M- hm.
- Hallo?
- It's only me, Mrs G.
Hi.
Am I welcome?
Welcome home, darling!
Forgive me?
- Forgive you?
- M-hm. For acting like a Victorian fool?
For refusing to accept the fact
that you have a career?
- Oh, darling, do you mean that?
- Of course I do.
Oh!
Naturally, I'll have to
readjust my life a bit.
You'd readjust your life for me?
You're my wife, aren't you?
Oh, yes, darling, I am.
Sweetheart, I've got to get back
to the office.
- Oh.
- I've got patients waiting.
- I don't want you to go.
- I must.
Would you come home early?
I'll bake you something special.
With r-r-r-r-rum.
Rrrrrr.
Oh, not tonight, honey.
I forgot. I'm sorry.
I've been invited to this bachelor party.
One of the residents at the hospital...
- Oh, darling, do you have to go?
- Honey, I have to. It's a bore but...
- You don't need a tuxedo.
- It's a formal bachelor party.
So long, sweetheart.
Better not wait up for me.
- Bye.
- OK.
Here.
And away we go.
- Where did Herr Doctor go?
- To readjust his life.
Ah! So. Good.
Would you care for a picture, sir?
- Oh, young lady.
- Would you care for a picture, sir?
Yes, please.
- Ready? Shoot.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Miss Thompson.
Oh! Good morning, dear.
Do I have time for a shower
before breakfast?
Yes, you do, dear.
# You're a sweetheart
if there ever was one
# If there ever was one it's you
# You're a sweetheart
# If there ever was one
# If there ever was one it's you #
# You're a sweetheart # Honey?
- Sweetheart, I'm surprised at you.
- Oh, I-I...
Letting me go into the shower
without my underwear.
# You're a sweetheart
# If there ever was one #
Well, was the bachelor party fun?
- It was OK.
- Erm, were there any wives there?
Honey, if wives were allowed,
wouldn't I have asked you along?
- No women?
- Of course not.
Say, you're not doing
any commercials tonight, are you?
No. I'm free tonight.
Mm. That is a shame.
The one night you're free,
and I've got to give a lecture.
So long, sweetheart. I'll call you later.
- When will you be home, dear?
- Er, I'm not sure.
But don't wait up for me.
Oh!
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# Nobody knows
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am
# How dry I am #
- Honey. Where are you, honey?
- Oh, yes, darling, I'm right here.
- I want you, honey.
- What is it, darling?
- Oh, you know something?
- What?
You're a great woman
and I'm a big, fat rat.
- Don't you say that!
- I am! The way I've treated you. I am.
- No, you're not.
- I am.
- No, you're not!
- I am. I'm a big, fat rat.
You're not a big, fat rat.
You, you're a sweet, wonderful woman.
And I don't know why
it's taken me so long to find out.
Hush, darling.
Don't say any more, please.
You're the most
wonderful, understanding woman
in the whole world...
Gloria.
Gloria!
Ooh!
Ooh!
You've only got a few minutes
before you go on.
- You'd better start changing.
- I'm wearing this.
I'm not talking about your dress.
I mean your personality.
I'm sorry, Mike.
Can't have a nervous, overwrought,
unhappy housewife...
telling America about Happy soap.
Look at you. Your eyes are red.
You're twisting your hankie.
You're biting your lip.
That's no way for a career girl to act.
I don't think I'm cut out
to be a career girl.
- Our sponsors think you are.
- Well, my husband doesn't.
Your husband's a Victorian.
My husband is a doctor
and I'm a doctor's wife.
Or I used to be.
Used to be?
Oh, Mike, everything is...
Everything is... Oh!
- Hello?
- 'Mrs Boyer? '
Yes.
Dr Boyer asked me to call.
He'll be held up tonight.
He won't be able to pick you up
at the studio
but he will meet you
at the Cartier Hotel later if he can.
Mrs Boyer, do you understand?
Yes. Yes, I understand.
Aw, cheer up, honey.
We all make mistakes.
Oh, Mike, I'm so embarrassed.
How could I forget the name of our soap?
- What did I finally call it?
- Palmolive.
- Oh.
- Have another drink.
I just kept thinking about Gerald.
I know he's at the hospital but...
- But you're not sure.
- Of course I'm sure.
By calling the hospital,
you can be absolutely sure.
- I'd never do that.
- Why not?
He might not be there!
He said, "Yes but only on Thursdays."
- Gardiner.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, darling?
- Gardiner, I'm going to have a baby.
Yes, darling. I know.
Oh, my God, you...
- A-A-Are you sure?
- Quite sure.
Oh. Well, you... Just...
- Beverly, Beverly, Beverly!
- Yes?
Call your baby.
My wife's having a husband. Quickly.
Oh!
The Doctors' Hospital, please. 88th Street.
Well, now you'll know.
Is Dr Boyer there, please?
This is an emergency.
He's no... He's not?
Well, can you reach him? Oh, fine.
Tell him Mrs Gardiner Fraleigh is
on her way to the hospital to deliver.
Yes. Thank you.
He'll meet you at the hospital.
Would you mind coming with us?
It's just that... In case...
I don't know anything about...
- It's just a matter of...
- Excuse me.
Gardiner, I am not going
to have the baby in the car.
But I would like Beverly
to go with me. Would you?
- Oh, you know I will.
- Are you afraid?
Only of being alone in the car
with an expectant father.
- Do you want me to carry you?
- Oh, Gardiner! Really.
All right, j-j-just go quietly.
Hurry. Keep moving.
- Mike, would you get the car?
- Yes.
There's nothing to worry about, don't...
- All right, Sidney.
- Where to, sir?
The hospital, you idiot!
- Dr Boyer.
- Oh, hello, Mike.
- Party break up early?
- It moved to the hospital.
- Mrs Fraleigh?
- Yeah. Can I give you a lift?
Yes, please.
To go to Doctors' Hospital,
we go up Third Avenue to 88th,
turn right and go to the river.
- Mrs Fraleigh, you're doing just fine.
- Can I do anything?
- Just get us to the hospital!
- Sidney, what's holding us up?
- Traffic, sir.
- Hurry.
Oh, dear God.
- Please.
- Damn it, Sidney, do something!
I'm, erm... Blow your horn!
- Oh, dear me.
- Oh, the pain is every five minutes.
- We've just gotta hurry!
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Sidney! Sidney,
I don't care how you do it
but I am going to give you exactly
five seconds to get this car moving.
Hey, what are ya doin'?
Get off the sidewalk!
Hey! Get off the sidewalk!
Hey, knock it off!
You're gonna hit somebody!
I should look where I'm goin'.
Get off the sidewalk!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mack.
I know you have a reason
for drivin' on the sidewalk
but I warn you, it better be a dandy.
My wife is having a baby!
That's dandy enough. Follow us.
Lots of luck!
- Good evening, Dr Boyer.
- Evening. Was Mrs Fraleigh admitted?
- Er, not yet, Doctor.
- Probably held up in traffic.
- Is it much farther?
- Not much.
- Oh, dear.
- W-What's the matter?
- Four minutes apart.
- What's that mean?
It means I wish
my husband were here.
There's a jam up ahead, sir.
Sidney, do something!
- Shall I blow my horn, sir?
- Yes, damn it.
- Oh, Gardiner, your language.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, darn it!
- She said, "Darn it."
She has never, ever said that.
What does it mean?
- It's every three minutes.
- Oh, my God. Beverly, get the phone.
Call the hospital.
It's right there. Get it out.
Just push the button down.
- Yes?
- They're not here yet.
- It's for you, Doctor.
- Dr Boyer.
- Beverly, where are you?
- On the East River Drive and 58th Street.
- How's Mrs Fraleigh?
- Every three minutes, Gerald.
I could get there in about 15 minutes.
Look, you get back to the car.
- I'm calling from the car!
- Oh, dear God.
Please, Mr Fraleigh.
Gerald, what should I do?
- Oh, dear, dear God.
- Mr Fraleigh, I can't hear.
I'm going to try to get there in time.
I think I can.
Taylor, would you get my bag?
If I don't, you'll have to take over.
- Is there a bar in the back seat?
- Is there a bar?
- Yes, it's right there but why...
- Yes, Gerald, there's a bar.
- There's whisky.
- What are you gonna do?
- Wash my hands.
- Why would...?
- Gardiner!
- Please pace up and down the highway!
Allow me, sir.
Oh.
If I don't make it in time, does anyone have
a piece of string or a shoelace?
- Sidney. Do you have a shoelace?
- Shoelace, madam?
- Yes, a shoelace.
- I'm wearing loafers.
- Mr Fraleigh, do you have a shoelace?
- What do you need a shoelace for?
- Oh, my God, that's barbaric.
- Do you have a shoelace?
- I'm wearing gaiters.
- W-W-Well, borrow one!
Borrow a shoelace. Shoelace.
Oh, I, er, I'll go round.
Pardon me, sir,
but are you wearing regular shoes?
- Are you a nut?
- No, you don't understand.
You see, I'm having a baby
and I need a shoelace.
- Get outta here!
- Get out of here.
No, you wouldn't have a shoelace.
Would you ha...? No. Shoe... Shoelaces.
Sir, I'll give you twenty dollars
for a shoelace.
- Twenty dollars for a shoelace?
- Forty dollars!
Here ya are.
Twenty dollars is enough.
"Twenty dollars is enough."
The man offered 40
but my Irving has to be a big shot. Ah!
Is there a newspaper in the car?
Yes, a newspaper.
An unused one is relatively germ-free.
- Here it is.
- Thank you. Now get me a newspaper.
- A newspaper? There's no time to read.
- For the baby!
Please, Mr Fraleigh, don't ask questions.
Just get it. An unused one!
Gerald, please hurry.
Dr Taylor will stay on this phone in case
you need instructions. I'm on my way.
Here, Taylor. Stay awake. Mike, let's see
if that car of yours can outrace a stork.
- Excuse me, sir.
- You can't have my shoelaces.
- Get outta here.
- I don't want shoelaces.
I need a newspaper, for my baby.
I hope the baby don't object.
It ain't the Times.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Did you read this?
Yeah. You can keep it.
I don't want it if you read it!
Get outta here!
Sir, could I have that newspaper
you have in the backseat?
- I'm sorry. I haven't read it yet.
- Wonderful!
- I'll give you ten dollars for it.
- Ten dollars for a newspaper?
- Er, how much?
- Er, twenty.
Thank you. Call again.
Twenty dollars isn't enough
for a newspaper?
Some businessman!
In a seller's market like this,
you could have got a hundred.
Here's the newspaper.
Where's Dr Boyer? Why isn't he here?
- He'll be here soon.
- Oh, relax, Gardiner.
Babies are born every day.
- That's true, sir.
- Oh, why don't you shut up and drive?
Are you a doctor? Where are the police?
See, my wife is... Are you a doctor?
I got a maternity case in a Rolls Royce
three blocks up. Can you give me a lift?
- Sure.
- Hop on, Doc.
- Are you a doctor?
- That did it.
Ooh. Ah.
Oh, dear.
Officer! Officer!
Officer! Offic... Oh!
Look, I... My wife is having a baby.
Officer? Officer.
Oh, there he is. There's a doctor.
Doctor?
There's a very pregnant lady around here.
I think she's gonna have a baby.
- Anybody hurt in the accident?
- No.
Right here, Doctor.
Follow me. Follow me.
Would you try to keep the people away?
And clear this lane of traffic.
All right now, clear it out. Hey, you guys,
give me a hand. Pregnant woman, here.
Everybody, work. Get around this car.
- OK, move it up.
- Up! Up!
That's it. Move it over.
Move this car out. Come on!
Move this car out.
- All right, all right, let the car through.
- Move along.
Hurry, Sidney!
Sid... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- What about me?
- Hop on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Darling. Darling, I...
- Who's that?
- It's your daughter.
It's my... daughter.
My... Oh, darling!
You are a genius.
A- And you're brilliant. You're brilliant!
That's brilliant.
Th-That's brilliant, Doctor.
- Dr Taylor, will you take the baby?
- The baby is brilliant!
Look at... That's a baby!
Take over.
Oh, hold me.
Hold me.
Oh, darling, I need you so much.
- Do you need me?
- Very much.
Darling, you know when I helped you
back there in the car
and I held that new life in my arms?
I knew, I knew what you must feel
every single day.
And I felt so close to you.
Oh, darling,
I love you so much.
And I want to be a doctor's wife again.
Do you think you'll be happy
being just a doctor's wife?
Oh, yes.
Did you deliver
a baby tonight, Daddy?
Well, hello there.
And what are you two doing up?
- Andy was thirsty.
- Did you deliver one, Daddy?
Well, yes, I did, and Mommy helped too.
- Oh! Can we keep it?
- No, I'm afraid not.
But you said when Mommy helped,
then you would bring it home.
- Yes, you did.
- You promised. We want a baby.
- Well, now wait a minute.
- Darling, a promise is a promise.
Now you two get to bed
and Daddy and I will discuss it.
- Will you 'scuss it tonight?
- If Daddy's not too tired.
No, I don't think Daddy's too tired.
Hurray for Mommy and Daddy!
Hurray for Mommy and Daddy!
Hurray for Mommy and Daddy!