Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (2012) Movie Script
1
Oh.
Oh, good morning.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
I'm Chef Goldblum.
And right now
I'll bet you're probably
just getting comfortable
in your own
Schlaaang Super Seat.
But maybe you're
asking yourself,
"What the heck is this
Schlaaang Super Seat exactly?"
Here's how the Schlaaang
Super Seat works!
First, several needles
are connected to
a vein in your arm.
Chemicals are then introduced
to synchronize your emotions
with the movie.
Next, air tubes are inserted
into the nasal cavity
to guide you into
a natural breathing pattern.
Exotic odors are released
to match the excitement
of the movie.
Finally, your legs are moved
out of your line of sight
and into our patented
Schlaaang stirrups,
to give you a viewing experience
you'll never forget.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I gotta tell you.
My favorite thing about this
whole Schlaaang Super Seat
is the automatic popcorn
machine in the armrest.
Of course, be careful.
I-- you know, I actually did this.
That hot butter
is gonna come spurting out.
Don't get it on your hand.
It's gonna burn.
And remember,
if you're not sitting
in a Schlaaang Super Seat...
you're just not
sitting down.
The Schlaaang Super Seat.
The ultimate film-watching
seating experience!
Close your left eye.
Now rapidly open and close
your left eye like this.
Wow! This is easy.
Now close your right eye.
Now rapidly open and close
your right eye like this.
Thank you.
It is advised to remove your
dentures or false teeth
before the movie begins.
I've been walking down
these streets for years.
Bonjour, Diamond Jim.
Bonjour.
Diamond Jim,
good to see you.
Bonjour.
They all know my name.
But I can't say
that I know theirs.
Bonjour.
- What can I say?
- sweet Paris.
Bonjour.
The smell of baguettes, flowers,
fresh meat in the air.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
This is a town full of beautiful people
all around you.
Bonjour.
Oui, oui. Magnifique.
I'm Diamond Jim.
This is my home.
My people.
But there's only one
that has my attention.
What can I get you,
Diamond Jim?
What do I have to do
to get you to finally go out with me?
Well...
a girl cannot
say no to diamonds.
Well, why didn't
you say so?
Oh, my God,
it is so beautiful.
Now kiss me.
What the fuck was that?
- That's it.
- That's our movie.
- Should we?
- Let's go make a speech.
Okay.
One more second.
This is the story of Tim and Eric.
They were given
$1 billion
to make their first
feature film
Tommy Schlaaang.
I paid a billion dollars
for that piece of shit?
But Tim and Eric did not
spend their money wisely.
Despite the record-setting
budget,
they were only able
to edit together
three minutes
of useable footage.
They had expensive
personal make-overs.
These two guys don't get
into premiere parties.
These guys get in the front of
the line at premiere parties.
And they accidentally cast
a Johnny Depp impersonator
instead of the genuine
Johnny Depp.
- You said it was Johnny Depp.
- It smelled like Johnny Depp.
Everyone said this is Johnny Depp
on the set. It was a big day.
No, it wasn't Johnny Depp.
I know my Johnny Depp.
Other expenses included
helicopter rides to work,
10-course lunches,
and real diamonds
for the Diamond Jim suit.
The diamonds are forever,
though, and we can't return them, so...
Those diamonds
aren't going back.
They hired a personal shopper
and spiritual guru
named Jim Joe Kelly,
who they paid an astonishing
$500,000 a week.
I'm not even walking on a set
without Jim Joe.
If you think I'm gonna
get involved in something
without him being a part of this,
then you're out of your mind.
They also employed a team
of personal assistants,
including this
small man named Jason.
Not now.
Tim and I are making a speech about
our movie, and you fucking blew it.
Come on, Jason, we need the hot corn
before the movie, not after the movie.
- You mind if I do it?
- Go ahead.
Come on!
Now sit down.
Sorry about that, gang.
But perhaps
most foolishly of all,
they signed a
legally binding contract
with the Schlaaang Corporation
which held them
personally responsible
for the $1 billion.
I want my money back!
We're going to sue you
for every dime.
You motherfuckers
are going to jail
for what you did!
After several
threatening letters
from the Schlaaang
Corporation,
Tim and Eric realized
they needed a plan
to pay back Schlaaang's
billion dollars.
- Shred it.
- Okay.
We've really got to think
of a way to get that money back.
There's got to be
an easy way to do it here.
Are you guys hungry?
We could get some beef chili
and hot dog buns
Iike you like to put your mouth
around like you like to do.
Ma! When we're hungry,
I'll ring the bell.
Then you'll know
to put some chili on.
After days of workshopping failed ideas,
Tim and Eric faced
the very real threat
of spending the rest
of their lives in jail.
But first they had to
terminate their relationship
with their trusted friend
and spiritual guru,
Jim Joe Kelly.
You're not going to believe
what I bought for you.
We've got to tell him.
Oh, mercy.
I'm sensing some...
real depression here.
What's going on?
Tell him.
Jim Joe, we have
to let you go.
Wha...
- I'm sorry.
- What? What?
- It's all over, Jim Joe.
- What?
- It's okay.
- What?
- It's okay, Jim Joe.
- Breathe.
I can't--
- Breathe.
- Oh!
- Jim Joe?
- Oh, God.
Ohh!
No! No!
Pull him up.
One, two, three!
That's not how you do CPR.
You go like this.
See? Do it. Shit.
He's drying out.
- He's drying out! Put him back in!
- Change our plan!
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
No. No, no, no, no.
Just steep it.
Why can't I just work
at a reduced rate?
The money's gone. We lost a billion
dollars. We're screwed.
Easy, Jim Joe.
Easy.
After all that I've
done for you!
Oh, Jim Joe.
This is so much harder
for us than it is for you.
All right. We're sorry.
We're just broke.
Great singing voice.
He's wonderful.
He's remarkable.
I guess this is goodbye.
Time to move on.
Please out.
Is it "please out"
or "peace out"?
- It's up to you.
- Enjoy it.
Please out.
So, with nowhere left to go,
Tim and Eric headed
to their favorite nightclub,
Circus Disco,
to drown their sorrows.
I don't know what we're
going to do, man.
I think we're finished.
We screwed up.
No one's ever gonna let us
direct another movie
after that shit.
You know, I used to have this
crazy fantasy of the two of us
walking hand in hand
down that red carpet
on our way
to the Academy Awards.
That's nice.
I don't think
it's gonna happen.
I just want to get
fucking drunk.
Forget about all this
billion-dollar bullshit.
I'm glad you said it because
I'm feeling the same way.
I want to get
so fucking high.
- I want a hashish.
- I'm gonna get skit on my nose.
Yo, I want to go dumb.
I want to cut
my fucking arm off.
I'd love to fucking get
blackout-drunk with you,
get a bunch of dudes,
put a bunch of shit
up our holes.
Yeah,
let's go fucking nuts.
Let's dance!
I want to get
so fuckin' high
So fuckin' high
I want to get
so fuckin' high
Yo, I want
to go dumb
I'm gonna
get skit on my nose
Skit-skit-skit
on my nose...
Aah!
I'm gonna get
skit on my nose
Skit-skit-skit
on my nose
Dumb...
Aah!
Aah!
I want a hashish
Ha-ha-ha-hashish
I want a hashish
Ha-ha-ha-hashish
Cut my fucking arm off
Fuck-fuck-fuck-
fucking arm off...
Fuck-fuck-fuck-
fucking arm off...
Ow!
Put a bunch of shit
up our holes
Bunch-bunch of shit
up our holes...
Oh, wow.
Bunch-bunch of shit.
Ohh...
Yeah.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Do you want to make
a billion dollars?
It's easy. Come and run my mall.
You'll be rich.
Hey, Eric,
come check this out.
You all love malls,
so take my mall.
What's the matter?
You don't want to make
a billion dollars?
Anyone can run
a stupid fucking mall,
even you.
Are you a man,
or possibly two men,
who need to make
a billion dollars?
Come and run my mall.
We're having hard times.
We need your ideas.
Everybody needs a billion.
Come and take over the S'wallow Valley
Mall and pizza court.
It's easy.
Not hard.
I said it's easy,
not hard.
There's never been an easier
way to make a billion dollars.
It's easy. And here's
- it's easy.
What's the matter? You don't want
to make a billion dollars?
My day wasn't going good
until I put on these--
Billion dollars.
Man, I love this--
Billion dollars.
I'm giving away a billion--
billion dollars!
But you gotta
run my mall.
Please save our mall.
We need your help.
Ah.
I work at one of the kiosks,
and it would mean the world
- if someone would come in here...
- She's so beautiful.
...and help us make
this mall great again.
Come to the S'wallow Valley Mall,
right off the 182 freeway
in S'wallow Valley.
Sounds crazy, Eric,
I know, but I think we can do this.
Yo, I like it.
- This mall could be easy money, man.
- That's right.
You know what? And I'm really good at
numbers, accounting, all that stuff.
Well, you know me. I'm a big P.R.,
strategy, marketing kind of guy.
But you know,
more importantly, man,
I just want to say this could
be a fresh start for us.
We could forget all about
this Hollywood bullshit
and really reinvent
ourselves.
Yeah. You know, I've been meaning
to tell you this all night,
but I love you, man.
And I love our friendship.
Well, thank you.
I honor you,
and I honor our friendship,
and I honor our love.
It would mean a lot to me
if we could run this mall
and I could make love
to this hot woman
and we could start a business
partnership together.
I love it, but I've
got a big problem.
I hate to do this
to you here.
I need to have an emergency
business meeting right now.
Because guess what? We don't have
a name for our company yet.
Shit.
All right.
What are we good at?
Well, we're men
who do business.
We want to be
business members.
We're boys
who do business.
- Yeah.
- But...
Eric. Look.
It's a sign.
"Doing business."
"Dobis."
I love it. It's got a ring
to it, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
- Dobis.
"That's who we are."
We're Dobis P.R.
Dobis.
- Look at that.
- Look at all the elements of business.
- Look it. They're all there, Eric.
- Market research.
- There's strategic P.R.
- Profit and loss.
I'll have the report
to you by Monday.
I'll look forward to it.
Guys,
I told you, you should
never have fired me.
Jim Joe,
what do you want?
I've got some poetry about regret
I'd like to share with you.
Come on, Jim Joe.
Friendship is warm,
friendship is touch.
Jim Joe, please stop.
We have to do this for ourselves.
We're sorry.
- We've got to leave you behind.
- I'm sick, and I'm lost,
and I'm tired
of floating around.
We love you, Jim Joe.
We wish you the best.
Let's go.
You cannot
look behind you
Oh, no, you can't
There's too much ahead
that excites you
Yes, there is
Just like two horses
Just like
two horses
Two horses
Running in the wind.
Hi, this is Tim and Eric.
Sorry we're not
here right now.
We've left town to become
business members.
We are now Dobis.
Please leave a message
for Dobis.
Be blessed.
Shit.
Son of a bitch.
They just skipped town
on us, Tommy.
- You find them.
- Mm-hmm.
Find them if it's
the last thing you do.
I want to drink their blood.
- I want to take a knife and gut them!
- Yes.
Oh, God, let me watch
their insides fall out.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
What else, Tommy?
- I want to strap them up--
- Yes.
And let a bamboo tree grow
right up into their ass, huh?
Yes.
Until the tree grows straight
through their brains!
Yes. And I will
deliver them unto you.
I want to eat
their fucking hearts!
Yeah!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Okay.
Tell me what you think.
Uh, "Dear Mr. Weebs,
We are very, very, very,
very excited to meet you.
We are Dobis."
That's all I've got so far.
What do you think?
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
I wasn't listening to you.
I'm just so focused
on this ridiculous look.
It's not working anymore.
Let me take a look.
It's just not right.
You know what, Eric, if we're
going to be businessmen,
I think maybe we should
look like businessmen, too.
- I agree.
- Hold on a second.
Now hold still.
Goodbye.
Oh!
Good night, Katie.
I miss you, my sweets.
Boy, you're really getting
attached to that photo, bud.
Tim, it's not
just a picture, man.
That could be
the girl of my dreams.
All right. Let's just
try to stay focused
on what's important here.
Ever since I saw you
in that commercial, Katie,
I felt this electricity
in my heart.
I can't wait to meet you
and make love to you
and go deep inside you
and show you my mushroom tip.
All right, well,
I'm hitting the sack.
Oh.
What the hell?
Okay.
- Katie.
- Okay.
All right.
You want to finish
that in the bathroom?
Almost done.
Almost done.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna
say good night, then.
Just like two horses
Just like
two horses
Two horses
Runnin' in the wind
Runnin' in the wind
Runnin' in the wind.
We've come
a long way, Tim.
We could turn around
right now if you want.
No.
I'm ready.
All right.
Let's go.
Hello?
Mr. Weebs?
Mr. Weebs?
Mr. Weebs?
Hello?
- What? What the--
- Mr. Weebs?
Go to heck!
- Whoa!
- Who is that, Taquito?
No, sir.
It's Dobis.
- It's Tim and Eric.
- Tim and Eric.
Oh.
- Oh. Come in.
- Thank you.
Yeah. Come in.
- Tim and Eric. Hello.
- Hi. Sorry to spook you.
- Good to meet you.
- Hi. Come in.
Hi. Hi.
I did not expect you guys.
I don't usually have visitors
at this time of the day.
So thank you.
Please, sit down.
Have a s--
God! Come on!
God damn it!
There's an order here.
Sorry.
Oh!
All this was organized.
Now, I don't know.
Because a couple of dicks
walked in and wrecked it.
- Can I help you?
- No!
Have you ever visited
an office before?
- You want us to come back another time?
- No.
I almost had a heart attack.
Can we have a fresh start?
- That'd be great.
- Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
And I'm Tim Heidecker.
And we are from Dobis P.R.
We saw your commercial,
and we're here
to run the mall
and make that billion.
Do you want
to watch "Top Gun"?
- Right now?
- I love that movie.
- You have a copy?
- I have it here somewhere.
There it is.
It was right here...
- Right on top.
- ...the whole time.
Okay. "Top Gun."
- Just put it in here?
- Just put it right in there.
Great.
Does it start
from the top?
Mm-hmm.
"Top Gun" from the top.
Sit back and enjoy the ride.
- Tom Cruise, I guess.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
- Great.
- I like that movie.
- It's a good movie.
- Terrific.
- Wonderful. Artistic.
Do you want
to watch it again?
We just saw
one pass of it, so...
We'd love to focus
in on the business.
It literally means
the world to me.
Come on.
I guess we can watch it
one more time.
Yeah.
- Rewind here?
- Rewind.
So while
we're rewinding,
Iet's talk business
about the mall.
And hit play.
- Okay. Play again?
- Round two.
- Play again.
- "Top Gun" from the top again.
Sit back and enjoy the ride.
I love that movie.
It's a great film.
Great flying.
Yeah.
I love that music.
Yeah.
Yeah, the music is great.
Not just the songs, either,
the score is good.
- The motorcycles and stuff.
- Uh-huh.
Is that Val Kilmer?
Is that Val Kilmer?
Jesus.
Fuck.
All right.
Taquito!
Get up here right now!
I've got some business
for you!
I'll need to introduce
you to Taquito.
He lives here in the mall.
He's a sick boy.
Hmm, sorry to hear that.
Come here.
He's your problem now.
Okay.
Also, you're going to have
to look out for the wolf.
Is that
a metaphorical wolf?
- Huh?
- Like an animal wolf?
- Yeah.
- You're talking about a wolf?
Oh, yeah.
He's a real wolf.
He'll bite you.
Noted. Okay.
Well, if I could
just move on?
One more thing. I hate to do this
to you, but in the commercial,
you said we were gonna
make a billion dollars.
Oh. The money's coming.
Did you wink there?
- Hmm?
- You just winked.
Look. Don't worry
about the money.
You're gonna make a billion
running this place.
Making the money.
Yeah, it happened again.
I'm sorry.
We're still seeing it.
Really?
I find that hard to believe.
I saw a wink.
That was a wink.
I don't think I winked.
Yeah. Well, we both saw it.
You winked.
I don't know if it's some kind of
reflexive thing.
No.
Would you just mind
saying "Tim and Eric,
you'll make the billion dollars,
run the mall," and there's no wink?
I hate doing this, but could you just--
you know, even with your hands...
- I'm happy to.
- ...just keep them open.
Then just say "Tim and Eric
will make a billion dollars."
No wink.
Just say the line
and keep the eyes wide open.
You're gonna do just fine
running this place.
You're gonna make a billion.
Even with them spread,
I-- we see the wink.
I don't even know how
it's possible, but you're--
- you're winking through it.
- Hmm.
I think we should just
trust him on this.
- I don't know, man.
- We don't have any other options.
Wink or no wink, we have
to go with this. We're here.
Okay. All right,
well, Mr. Weebs,
we'd love to accept
the offer.
- Oh, that's wonderful news.
- We'll run your mall.
Great news.
Yes, Uncle Damian?
What is it?
Taquito!
These are Tim and Eric.
Oh, how nice.
They will be running
the mall from now on.
- You take orders from them.
- Yes, Uncle Damian.
Want to see where I live?
Want to know where to get food?
Taquito!
You do the song
like we practiced.
Yes, Uncle Damian.
My name is Taquito,
I live here in the mall
I got left here
when I was really small
And then the mall closed,
and the wolves came to stay
They raised me at first
But now they chase me
all day
So stick with me
I'll show you
all the tricks
But not too close,
or you may get sick.
Sorry, I'm real sick.
- You okay?
- I'll be all right.
It's just the shivers.
My body's hot,
but I feel cold.
Mr. Weebs?
Tonight's movie features
several important lessons.
The following segments
are meant to reinforce these themes.
You wanted to see me?
Yes.
You're fired.
Oh, no!
Why? Why?
That's it.
Let it all out.
Oh, no.
This is the best
business scenario for us.
It had to be done.
Yes, you are right.
I understand that now.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Psst. Wait.
Come back.
This is your
severance package.
Sweet old Mrs. Wareheim.
Mrs. Heidecker.
Yes.
You must be so proud
of your boys.
Making a big
Hollywood movie.
Aren't you?
The sets,
the movie stars.
Geez Louise,
it's something, isn't it?
Well, you see,
the problem is
that they
screwed up big-time.
They screwed up, mommies.
Oh, no.
Are you scared?
- Hmm?
- Scared?
Where's your son?
I don't know.
Where are your sons?
I wish I could help you,
but I can't. Sorry.
Where are your sons?
Where are your sons?
Where is he?
Earle.
Let me try.
You've got Zaffer's Music
over there on the right.
Ahem. And that's
Dan's Tiny Baby Outlet.
He's only open
two days a week.
And this here
is Drimble's Yogurt.
Some folks
say it's haunted
by the yogurt man.
I don't know.
I wouldn't change
too much around here.
The yogurt man might
get real upset.
That's a bobo.
How are you?
Hi.
And this is Simon's.
They sell things
for mommies and daddies.
Oh, hey, Eric,
check it out. Swords.
Cool, I love swords.
Mr. Bishopman?
I have a couple of fellas
who wanted to meet you.
What's this? What do you want?
We're closing.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
I'm Eric Wareheim,
and we're from Dobis P.R.,
and we're here
to take over your mall.
That's right, Mr. Bishopman.
We are here to reimagine
what this mall can be,
and, in fact, we got some pretty big
and exciting changes in mind.
Mm-hmm.
So just hand over
your cost report,
and we'll get started on
some business plans for you.
You listen to me.
I'm Allen
fucking Bishopman,
and I've run E Z Swords
for 15 years.
And you want me to change?
Fuck you!
Sir, Dobis is here
to help, okay?
I like things this way.
I don't want things
to change!
Okay.
I sell two swords a year,
I'm good.
I sell no swords a year,
and I'm even better.
You see, S'wallow Valley
wants to keep swords off the streets,
and they pay me a monthly fee
to not sell any swords!
Okay.
I didn't know that.
Well, now you do, you shit!
Okay. Well, we didn't
know that. So...
Well, now you do,
you shit!
Well, we weren't aware.
I'm sorry.
Well, now you do,
you piece of shit.
I got a lot of stuff
going around in my head.
I've got to sort it out,
and it will help
to not have you
right in my fucking face
the whole time!
Well, we look forward to doing
business with you, sir.
Yes. All the best.
Good night.
Anyways, there's a lot
of other fun stuff
I'll show you tomorrow.
Well, here we are.
Here's my humble abode
and your temporary home
away from home.
Okay. Careful.
This is my secret tunnel.
Well, here's
the living room.
Shut the fuck up, you little cunt!
That's Roy.
Don't look him in the eye.
Hello.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Ah!
Here we are.
This is my little palace.
This is where I sleep.
If you have to do
your business.
There's no curtain.
You just close your eyes.
If you have to do any work
or any kind
of calculations,
you can--
you can use
this machine I built.
It's called the--
it's called the taqutor.
Eric's our numbers
man here.
I'm more of a managerial
type for Dobis.
Really looking forward
to crunching some numbers
on that taqutor, Taquito.
Oh, yeah.
You must be hungry.
- We're fine.
- Here. Have a taquito.
Ooh.
No, thanks.
You've got to keep those
refrigerated, Taquito.
I know. That's why
I only eat the middle.
Taquito, don't put that
in your mouth, please.
Taquito,
is everything all right?
It's only blood.
It's just natural.
I'm not meant to live long.
Poor boy.
All right.
Well, on that note,
we should probably
hit the hay.
Okay.
- So--
- We can sleep right back there?
Yep.
- Good night.
- Sweet dreams.
Good night, Taquito.
Good night.
Yeah, awfully nice to have some company.
Thanks, Taquito.
Thank you.
This is what we do
This is who we are
We're Dobis P.R.,
We're Dobis P.R.
We love what we do
And we love who we are
We're Dobis P.R.,
We're Dobis P.R.
D-O-B-I yes
P.R.
D-O-B-I yes
P.R.
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P. Do do do
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P.
Do, do, do, do
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P.
Do, do, do
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P.
Do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do
do, do, do, do, do
We're D-O-B-I-S
P.R.
Hello, people of
S'wallow Mall.
Let's give a real big
warm welcome
to our presidents
of Dobis P.R.--
Tim and Eric!
- Hey.
- Hey, everybody.
Awesome.
What is up,
party people?
Thank you.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
This is Eric Wareheim.
We are Dobis P.R.,
and we're here to tell you
about our plan
to revitalize
the S'wallow Valley Mall.
Boo!
And here's how we're
gonna do it, guys.
We're gonna use the three
keys to success.
The first key to success.
We gotta get rid
of that wolf...
That wolf.
Okay, our second
key to success
is we've got to clean
this mall up.
All right? We've got to put a fresh coat
of paint on things.
We've gotta get rid
of all you squatters.
The third key to success
is to prepare
for the grand re-opening
of the new
S'wallow Valley Mall.
We've got to get rid of
the stores that don't work
and bring in stores
that do work,
that make profits.
That's gonna do it
for us, guys.
And we're gonna be
making our billion.
You got that right.
I do want to add
a small caveat here.
We have absolutely
no experience doing this kind of stuff.
Absolutely not, guys.
We are Hollywood actors.
Okay?
That's our specialty.
Re-opening a shit-hole mall?
It's not what we do.
Yeah. We just want
to go on record here
so nobody can come back
and this can't bite us in the ass
that we didn't know what we
were doing here, okay?
When I look in your face,
sir, I say to myself,
I wish I stayed in Hollywood
and just stayed
a superstar actor.
What the fuck
am I doing down here
doing business
in this shit-hole mall?
- But that's Dobis.
- That's the pride of Dobis.
Get used to it 'cause this place
is gonna change.
Oh, yeah!
Come on, everybody!
Say Dobis!
- Dobis!
- Dobis!
Talk about it, Mama:
Dobis in the house.
- Dobis!
- Dobis!
Dobis!
Got you just
where I want you.
There you are.
Oh, you guys
are going down.
Excuse me. I was wondering
about this sword.
Hang on. Can't you see
I'm on the fucking phone?
Operator.
Yes.
Hello, operator.
I need the number for
the Schlaaang Corporation.
I have some information
they're gonna want to hear.
Let me give you their
customer service--
No, I don't want customer
service, you stupid bitch.
I want you to put me through
to headquarters, goddamn it.
H-hello?
Oh, she hung up. Great.
She hung up.
What the hell do you want?
Oh, you're just holding
a knife out like I know--
Oh, I know
what to do with that.
I just want to see how
much this sword was.
Get the hell out
of my store.
Official Dobis reps here,
stopping in
for a meet-and-greet.
Hi, welcome to Reggie's.
What can I get for you?
We've got a sale
on slightly soiled.
No, no, no.
We're not customers.
I don't know if you saw our presentation
we did the other day,
but we're running things
here at the mall now.
What exactly do you
sell here, Reggie?
Oh, used toilet paper,
of course.
There's a lot of demand
for that here, then, Reg?
It's more of
a gourmet operation.
Okay.
Write down gourm--
I got it. G-I--
No,
G-O-R-M-A-Y.
G-O-R...
- M-A-Y.
- M-A-Y.
Yep. Uh, every night, we go
out to the usual spots--
you know, abandoned
port-a-potties, sewage mains,
those kind of places--
and we do our collecting.
And then we take
the messy slop back here,
and we spool it all
onto new rolls.
What's that? Shit?
It's a shit smell.
Is that you?
It smells like po-po.
My father taught me this
profession years ago.
And now I'm teaching
it to my son.
- Good.
- Speak of the devil.
Come on.
This is Jeffrey.
- Say hello.
- Hi.
Hello.
Where have you been
hiding this boy?
- That's not a bad boy.
- Come here.
Let me feast my eyes
on that boy.
Come here. Yeah.
Take a look at you.
Hey.
Look at the size of him.
Look at this.
Hmm.
Let me see your mouth.
Nice. Nice teeth.
You want to sit
on Uncle Tim's lap?
Get on my knee.
I like your son a lot.
All right,
all right, Tim.
Listen, Reggie, after
a few calculations here,
it looks like your store isn't quite fit
for the new Dobis brand.
Sorry, Reg. We're gonna
have to shut this boy down.
It's been in
the family for years.
The new S'wallow Valley Mall
is about fresh, clean, safe--
You know what, Tim?
There's an opening
for head of janitorial,
and I don't know
Reggie's qualifications,
but I feel like we could
give him a shot.
What do you think?
Uh, well...
You do the dust.
You do the shine.
We make a mess,
you clean it up.
- That's the job.
- Okay.
Great. Well, Reg,
it sounds like you're gonna be pretty
busy over the next few weeks.
Jeffrey, how about you
tag along with us?
And I can teach you
a little bit about
what it's like to be
a businessman around here,
what it's like
to be a real man.
What it's like to be a real
successful businessman.
Huh? Sound good?
- Yes, sir.
- Don't call me sir.
Why don't you call me Daddy?
Say "Yes, Daddy."
Yes, Daddy.
Does that sound good
to you, Uncle Reg?
Yeah. Okay.
Are you gonna be my son?
That's what I thought.
Attention, squatters.
This is your final warning.
Please vacate the mall
immediately.
This is a direct order
from Dobis P.R.
Get out of here.
Swing, swing, swing.
Swing, swing.
Oh, shit.
You got, like,
a foot back here
if you swing it
hard enough.
I got it.
I got it.
Back it up.
Get out and push.
Get out and push.
Hey! I'm trying
to work in here.
All right. Shrim Alternative
Healing Center.
It looks like they have
a video here, guys.
You want to watch a movie, son?
Good day.
I'm Dr. Doone Strutts.
And I want to thank you
for choosing
the Shrim Alternative
Healing Center.
Shrim.
Shrim can
help you achieve
premium body health.
Shrim.
Ooh.
You must locate
your inner shrim.
Shrim begin.
I will help you
find your shrim,
along with my sons.
- Shrim!
- Shrim!
Shrim.
Shrim!
Shrim!
I'd really like to get
my shrim tested,
meet Dr. Doone.
Shrim.
Sounds like shrimp.
Shrimp sounds like Shemp.
Shrim. We should get
some shrimp for dinner.
What?
Shrim! Shrim! Shrim!
Shrim!
All right, Katie's
Celebrity Balloons is our last stop.
Looks like no one's home.
We can turn around.
- No.
- Let's go back.
Just play it cool.
Play it just like yourself.
Just be natural.
Don't forget we're here for business.
Let's do it.
Jeffrey, stick with me.
Play with the balloons.
Hello. Hi.
Tim and Eric here.
- Oh, hi there.
- Hi, I'm Tim Heideck--
Hey,
I'm Eric Wareheim.
Businessmen here.
I'm so nervous.
So, um, love you.
- No.
- No?
Just be yourself.
Hi. Eric Wareheim.
I love you.
- Mm. Start again. Pardon us.
- One, two, three.
Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
Very in love with you--
- Okay.
- This is business.
I'm trying to just say
the business thing.
We won't be able
to use any of that.
- Cut the love?
- Yeah.
Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
We're here from Dobis.
We're evaluating
your balloon stand.
And I love you so much.
All right.
Why don't you take two?
Tsst. Tsst.
Take five. I'll get this.
Hi. We're Dobis.
We're just walking around,
trying to get a lay of the land,
figuring out what you guys
need, how we can make this mall better.
Oh. I was in
the audience.
I saw your presentation.
You were wonderful.
Thank you for coming
all this way to help us.
These are super cool.
How do you even make them?
Oh, thank you.
Eric. Eric.
Uh, so, Katie, I would love to schedule
an official Dobis dinner
to discuss
your business model
for your
balloon store here.
With both of you?
That would be great.
Um, or just me.
Um, Tim will probably
be busy with his son,
so you and I can just kind
of go over all the details.
Friday's no good.
Jeff's got a lot of homework.
We're gonna
concentrate on that.
Oh. Okay, fine.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Eric.
Jeffrey!
Jeff?
I miss you, son.
What are you working on
over there, bud?
I'm just crunching some numbers
with the taqutor here,
and we got a problem.
What are you
talking about?
Come take a look at this.
Taqutor,
Ioad up the Dobis
presentation, please.
See what I'm saying?
It doesn't add up.
Eric, it's probably just
a bug in the mainframe.
I'll have Jeffrey
run a diagnostic.
We'll get it sorted out.
It's nothing to worry about.
No. There's nothing wrong
with the taqutor, man.
The numbers are right here.
There's no way we're making that bil.
What are you saying?
That Weebs lied to us?
You know how stupid
that sounds?
You know
what your problem is?
Your head's in the clouds
thinking about Katie all the time.
Let me ask you something.
How many times did you
masturbate to her today?
Like five or six.
Five or six times,
when you should have been
focused on the prize.
You should be
focused on this:
opening up the S'wallow
Valley Mall,
making the "mooney," okay?
Not some dumb slut.
Hey!
Say what you want about my
calculations in the taqutor,
but leave Katie
out of this.
May I have a bite
of your apple?
I wish I had
a bigger bite.
That bite was all mine
because I worked hard for it.
Yep. I didn't
deserve that bite.
I should have
worked harder.
Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies.
I'm a successful
businessman, ladies.
I built the Schlaaang empire
from the ground up.
And if you think two idiots
can make a fool of me,
then you've got a lot
to learn about business
and the Schlaaang way.
Yes.
I've had you here for days,
and you've given me nothing.
Cornell, could you untie
Mrs. Wareheim, please?
Yes.
You see this?
It's a letter opener.
It was my grandpop's.
Beautiful.
He must have used it to open up
thousands of letters over the years,
but it also settled
more than a few arguments.
Do you want
to lose a finger, too?
Where are your sons?
I wish I could tell you
what you need to know
if it would get your
billion dollars back to you.
But I just don't think I know
where they did get to.
Motherfucking Tim and Eric,
where did you go?
You are my son
You're better
than anyone
You're just like
a shiny new toy
You are my boy
You are my son
You're better
than anyone.
- Ahem. Excuse me.
- What?
Sorry to interrupt, but do you want to
get back to Dobis?
Or do you want
to continue singing?
Yeah. It's fine.
Just got lost in my music.
Well, we've got
Drimble's Yogurt here.
Uh, looks like the power's
been off for years,
so we got a lot of spoiled
yogurt we gotta deal with.
And, as you recall, Taquito
gave us a little intel
about a so-called yogurt man
that's haunting the premises.
So Dobo better investigo.
Well, if there is a yogurt man
in there, Eric,
then today he's getting
his eviction notice.
Oh, God.
The smell.
Yogurt man, are you in here?
Hello?
Yogurt man?
Ohh!
Yogurt man, stand down!
The mall's haunted!
Wait.
Taquito?
- Taquito.
- I'm sorry, guys.
I just don't want
anything to change.
Taquito,
change is important.
But that doesn't mean we're gonna
forget about our old friends.
- I don't know.
- Hold on a second, Taquito.
Taquito, we just had
a Dobis meeting,
and we've decided to let you
run the mall fountain.
Really?
Not only do you have to get it working,
but you have to maintain it
and keep track of
all the loose change.
So I think Taquito's gonna be
with us for quite some time.
Thanks, guys.
I'll do the best I can.
I hope I don't kick
the bucket before I finish.
Shut the fuck up,
you fucking cunt motherfuckers!
I'll kill you,
you goddamn...
- Tim, how do I look?
- Take a peek.
Well, well, well.
- Sharp as a tack.
- I'm feeling pretty good.
Big date tonight, huh?
Yeah. I'm taking Katie
to Inbreadables.
That'll be nice.
- I'm trying to impress her.
- Oh. Almost forgot.
I got you a little
something here.
- It's called a Spanish fly.
- What is it?
Let's just say
it'll enhance
your lovemaking
experience tonight.
I put this right in my ass?
Mm, no. You put it orally.
Yeah, right in your mouth.
Did you swallow it?
Come on, swallow it.
- Perfect.
- Didn't go in.
Come on.
Swallow it.
Mmm.
Well, you better
hit the road, then.
Okay.
Wish me luck, bud.
I guess I'll just stay here
and work on Dobis.
Keep my eye on the prize.
Good luck with the pills.
Good luck.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is James Quall
here to talk about bread,
and one thing
I'd have to say
is that I'd rather be
saying all these bread lines
than standing in one.
Ah, yes. One thing
that might be a hazard
about talking about bread
is they might accuse one
of being a loafer.
Now I've just
come from Hollywood,
where they have all these
famous personalities
Iike Bread Pitt
and Robert Breadford.
And now...
I'll be "baguette"
in 20 minutes.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
I love this place.
I know what you mean.
- You want some of this bread slop?
- I'd love some.
Mmm.
This is so good.
This is a funky place.
So you were telling me
about your mom.
Oh. Well, my mother calls
every Saturday night, right?
It's like she's just calling
to see if I have a date.
- So she doesn't just call--
- Ohh!
Are you okay, honey?
Is it getting hot in here?
I don't think so.
I'm just feeling
really weird.
Are you okay, honey?
There's so much
fucking bread here.
Fuck. Fuck.
Ohh!
Isn't it hot
in here, Katie?
Little something
called Spanish fly.
Eric, are you okay?
I have way too many
teeth in my mouth!
You might need some help.
- Hi, how are you?
- No!
What?
Sorry, Eric, there's nothing
I can do for you now.
What the fuck is that?
I'm gonna take you
to the Shrim Healing Center.
Come on.
You'll feel much better.
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry, everyone.
Shrim!
Come on in, my son.
Dr. Doone has you now,
and he's going to make you
feel all better.
- Where am I?
- Shh.
Quiet, my boy.
You need the healing
powers of shrim.
I can sense that.
Okay.
You're in a very bad place.
Now drop those pants.
Shrim!
How was your date?
Not so good.
Eric got sick.
Aw. That's too bad.
It must be
really unsatisfying.
Yeah. It was.
It's a little awkward,
isn't it?
- Yeah. I suppose.
- I'm so nervous.
Listen.
Want to go inside?
Okay.
Are you sure?
No.
Okay. Let's go.
Come on.
Step into
the tub, my son.
That's it.
That's it.
Everything's going to be
okay, Eric, my boy.
Dr. Doone has got you,
and he's going to give you
a nice warm shrim bath.
- What?
- All my boys have been
hiding the shrim
inside them for days now,
and they're excited
to finally let it out all over you.
- What boys?
- Come, my sons.
It's time.
Oh, look at them.
They can barely hold it in.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim. Shrim.
Yeah.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim.
- Ohh!
- Shrim.
Shrim.
My boys only eat
the finest, softest meat
so that they can
achieve a level of shrim
that's unmatched.
Shrim. Shrim.
Oh!
Let the brown,
foamy mess
wash all over you.
Oh, that's a beautiful thing.
Shrim, shrim.
This is the power of shrim!
Jeffrey?
Is that you, boy?
What are you doing,
Jeffrey?
Where's Papa Tim?
Is he inside?
Where are you going?
Hello?
What the fuck.
- Shit.
- What's going on?
Eric, don't do anything
stupid here, buddy.
I should go.
Katie. How could
you do this to me?
- Eric, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, stop.
You listen to me.
I saved you from her.
She was nothing but dead weight, Eric.
She was making you soft.
- She was not making me soft.
- She was making you soft.
She wasn't making me soft.
She was making you soft!
She was making me hard.
Rock hard.
Sometimes,
when you're writing,
you just look for opportunities
to create moments
that take you
out of the scene
and just add--
add a joke.
The jag was that we were
doing "soft, soft, soft"
and sort of out of
nowhere we go "hard."
Boom! Laugh.
We fought
for a laugh track,
and they said, "No,
this is a feature film for the theaters.
A laugh track wouldn't
make any sense."
Think about it.
Eric, she was
making you soft.
She's taken your eyes off the game,
Eric, okay? We're here for Dobis.
What did you give me?
That wasn't Spanish fly.
I played the oldest trick
in the book.
But I had to play it 'cause
I needed to save my friend.
You poisoned me.
- What else could I do?
- You son of a bitch.
Motherfucker!
How could you do that?
No! No!
Guys!
- Jim Joe?
- Why are you fighting? Stop fighting.
Don't you remember
my poem about peace?
If you don't remember,
I'll recite it for you.
- Jim Joe!
- P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Aah!
Like that?
Ohh!
You want some of this?
Oh!
Aah!
Why are you fighting?
Motherfucker!
No! No!
Aah! Ohh!
Say you're sorry!
- I'm sorry!
- Say you're sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
- Okay. It's okay.
- I'm sorry for everything!
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no.
Listen, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
You were looking out for me.
You were looking out for us
and the whole Dobis thing.
I know that now.
I'm glad you finally
see it that way
'cause I'm just
trying to help.
Yeah. I just have to
ask you one question.
Why'd you have to sleep with Katie?
You know I love her.
Well, to be honest with you,
the plan made me horny.
I had to empty my ball sack
into something.
That moist hole
must have felt so good.
Boy, you really do
love her, don't you?
I really do.
It's not gonna bother you
when you're making love to her
that my wick got
inside that hole?
Not at all, man.
There's something
special about it,
you being deep inside
like that.
Well, then, it will be an honor
to be your best man.
Come on down
to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
I'll be there. My best friend
Tim Heidecker will be there.
I think you're gonna
like what you see.
Ooh, you're gonna like
the fake trees.
Ooh, you're gonna like
all our new stores.
Ooh, you're gonna like
meeting my new son Jeffrey.
My best friend Tim and I redid this
whole mall for you.
You got to come down.
It isn't gonna kill you.
Come on down.
- It's for Dobis' sake!
- I'm gonna murder myself
if you don't come down
to my new fucking mall.
Come on down to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
My dad told me this is
the coolest mall ever.
You think you know more than my dad?
Don't fucking come, then.
It's the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
It's just off Route 35
right here in historic S'wallow Valley.
Where did you get that?
This guy named Bishopman.
He sends this to me.
He's been filling up
my voice-mail box for weeks
with crazy rants
about these guys.
But look at this.
We got them, Tommy.
We got them.
Earle, gather the men.
We found your boys.
We're gonna go get them.
All right.
Listen, guys,
on behalf of Dobis,
I want to say thank you
for all your hard work
in getting this mall
back in shape.
And I gotta say
something personally.
We're all
very proud of you.
Guys, tomorrow
is our big day,
and Dobis couldn't be
more jazzed about it.
But right now I want
to have a little fun,
with the permission
of my best friend Tim.
Muyo permissiono granted.
Taquito,
would you do the honors?
Here goes nothing.
On three, everybody.
One, two, three!
Taquito.
It's wonderful.
It's gorgeous, Taquito.
I worked really hard on it.
- We should make a wish.
- I love it.
Oh, Dobis, I wish
for this grand re-opening
to be the greatest grand
re-opening of all time.
I wish that Tim Heidecker
remains my best friend
- and I get to marry Katie soon.
- Hmm.
I forgot about that wolf.
I know what to do.
I will need some duct tape
and some pizza.
Eric, I don't feel
good about this.
Taquito, be careful.
Mama Wolf!
Taquito.
I have some nice pizza
for you.
Remember when
we had pizza?
Hi, Mama Wolf.
Remember your baby boy?
I have to ask you
a little favor.
It's time to go
back to the--
Taquito!
He's gone.
Must have snapped that
neck on the way down.
- He saved the mall.
- Tell you what, Taquito.
We're going to change
the name of the pizza court
to the Taquito court,
do you hear me?
Goodbye, boy.
I miss the shit
out of him already.
- Taquito!
- Mr. Weebs?
What are you doing here?
I could sense my boy
Taquito was in trouble.
It's too late.
He's already dead.
He sacrificed his body
for the mall.
He's gone.
Taquito.
He's alive.
Uh, am I in heaven?
Taquito, you killed the wolf,
and you saved the mall.
You did just what you
said you'd do.
Uh, I did it.
I killed the wolf.
You did, my little boy.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm not gonna last long.
I'm in a lot of pain.
Oh, Taquito.
Would you like Uncle Damian
to put some lead in you, son?
It's so cold down here.
Put me to sleep forever.
Oh, Taquito.
I can't watch him die twice.
I can't do it. Sorry.
Taquito!
I'm still here.
Better try again.
Okay.
Taquito!
Now I can't feel my legs.
It won't be long now.
I can't take this.
Finish him off.
Damn it, Weebs,
shoot him in the face.
No.
I want my Taquito to have
an open casket funeral.
Ow. Ohh!
Come on, Taquito.
Just die, Taquito.
Come on.
Any minute now.
Maybe I won't be sick
in heaven.
He's dead.
Is he dead?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Taquito. Thank you.
That's it, then.
A little to the left.
Back a little bit.
That looks pretty good.
- It's great.
- Yeah.
You know what, Eric?
There's something I need to tell you.
I think you may
have been right.
I did some numbers
crunching of my own,
and there's no way
we're going to make
a billion dollars
running this mall.
I know. But you know what?
That doesn't matter anymore.
It's not about the money.
It's about you and me.
It's about your new son.
It's about Katie.
It's about the mall. I mean, we've
really made a difference here.
You know what? They probably forgot
about that billion dollars anyway.
It's just a billion dollars.
Hee!
I love this fucking mall!
Come on.
- To Dobis.
- Hey, big news.
You have just been made
Dobis' employee of the month.
I want to live in this
fucking mall forever.
Yeah.
Forever?
Do you forgive me
for sleeping with Tim?
I do.
There he is.
Ohh!
I hope
you never leave.
I guess we're gonna
be here forever.
Look, Dad,
our first customers.
I don't think those
are customers, son.
Let me take a look.
Shit. Schlaaang.
They found us.
All right, everybody inside.
Come on.
What's going on?
Listen up, Tim and Eric!
We have you surrounded!
And if you don't come out
in 10 seconds,
I'm gonna come in there
and blow you to fucking hell!
Finally.
Good luck, assholes.
Ha ha ha! Hey, guys,
it's me-- Allen.
I was the one who sent you the tape
telling you where to find Tim and Eric.
Shit!
- Eric, look out!
- Oh, God!
Okay, okay, listen, maybe--
maybe I overreacted.
You think there's
some common ground here--
I like you-you like me
kind of thing?
Tim, we need
a Dobis-sized idea stat!
Okay, hold on now.
Hold on. Let me think.
- Come on! Think!
- Come on, Tim.
- What's going on?
- Ah, I got it.
Reggie, hey,
come on in.
Come here,
come here, come here.
- How's everything?
- Good.
Family good?
- Yes.
- Okay.
So, listen, we got
a little thing out here.
It's not really a big deal. But if you'd
go out there and talk to them,
maybe knock some sense
into them, Reg.
- Nice.
- You're a reasonable man.
They're reasonable men.
You could go out there
and tell them
to put their guns down.
Would you do
that for us, Reg?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
do it, do it.
Dobis needs you,
Reg. Please.
You'd be hitting it
out of the park for us
if you did it, Reg.
- I can do that.
- Will you do it? Oh, good. Thanks, Reg.
Why don't you go ahead
and do that now, then?
Dobis thanks you, Reg.
Hi.
My name is Reggie.
I think we should all
take a moment here
and reassess the situation
because there are a lot
of good people in there
and I would hate
to see any of them hurt.
Fire!
No.
How do you like that,
Tim and Eric?
Huh? Ha! Ha!
Aah!
That didn't work.
Sorry.
We're doomed.
What is that smell?
I pooped my pants.
Oh, Allen,
that's disgusting.
Look, I'm sorry that
I tattled on you two.
I shouldn't have called.
I just thought they were going to give
you a slap on the wrist.
Smell's getting in my eyes.
Wait a second.
I have an idea.
Allen, you go
back to your store
and bring as many swords
as you can carry.
Okay.
You're all gonna
die in there!
Here you go, guys.
As many as I could muster.
Thanks so much, Allen.
These are great.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
Anything for you.
I am a team player.
- Oh. This one's nice.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's one
of my favorite ones.
I personally sharpened
that one-- aah!
That's for
betraying us, Allen!
- Nice.
- Thanks, man.
You know this is it.
I know.
I gotta say it's been
one hell of a ride.
- To Dobis.
- To Dobis.
Katie, I have something
to say to you now.
You know you're the love
of my life, right?
Yeah.
Ever since I met you,
I wanted to consummate that love.
I wanted to go deep inside
you without a condom
and explode in
your canal. Psssh.
Grow a little baby
up in there.
Start a family.
So I have to ask you this
one important question.
Will you marry me?
Hey, Eric, where'd you
get that big diamond?
I got it on the "Diamond Jim" set.
I got tons of them.
Oh, yeah, I got a ton
of them diamonds, too.
I got, like, a billion
dollars' worth of them.
Will you make me
the happiest man on earth?
Yes, I do.
- Katie!
- No.
Nice shooting, Tommy.
Really, really good.
My love.
No.
Schlaaang!
Eric.
We doing this?
Hells, yeah.
Ah, shit, come on.
Take them out!
Okay, listen, I need you
to do something for me.
It's not going to be easy,
but I know you can do it
'cause you're my little boy.
You're the best son
I ever had.
Hey, Schlaaang!
Shoot the kid!
We did it.
We did it, buddy.
We really did it.
Well, what did you think?
As Steven Spielberg,
I approve of this movie.
And let me say this is the greatest
film of all time.
- Yeah.
- Let's celebrate.
Yay!
Tim and Eric
have done it, yeah
They made their movie
that they wanted to make
You can tell by the smile
on their faces
They got what they shot
And then they put it
in the can
"Tim and Eric's Billion
Dollar Movie" is done
It's over, it's over,
it's over, oh, yeah
"Tim and Eric's Billion
Dollar Movie" is done
It's over, it's over,
it's over
Oh, yeah...
Shrim!
We did it. You understand me?
We fucking did it!
Tim and Eric have taken
my part away from me
Iike Garry Marshall
did to me
back with "Laverne and Shirley"
and "Happy Days"
when they chose
Robin Williams over me.
Hi. We're Tim and Eric.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
Hi. I'm Eric Wareheimer,
and this movie--
- Eric Wareheim.
- Hi. My name is Eric Wareheim.
This is our
billion dollar movie.
Thanks so much
for watching.
I'm proud of the film.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
He's my best friend,
and I love him so much.
I'm also proud of it
as well as you--
of you.
And...
roll the credits.
Okay.
Roll credits.
You guys good?
Great. Thanks.
Good for me.
Oh, hi.
I'm Michael Gross.
If you would like me
to narrate your life story,
please contact me at...
...and someone from my staff
will get back to you.
You have a good day.
Oh.
Oh, good morning.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
I'm Chef Goldblum.
And right now
I'll bet you're probably
just getting comfortable
in your own
Schlaaang Super Seat.
But maybe you're
asking yourself,
"What the heck is this
Schlaaang Super Seat exactly?"
Here's how the Schlaaang
Super Seat works!
First, several needles
are connected to
a vein in your arm.
Chemicals are then introduced
to synchronize your emotions
with the movie.
Next, air tubes are inserted
into the nasal cavity
to guide you into
a natural breathing pattern.
Exotic odors are released
to match the excitement
of the movie.
Finally, your legs are moved
out of your line of sight
and into our patented
Schlaaang stirrups,
to give you a viewing experience
you'll never forget.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I gotta tell you.
My favorite thing about this
whole Schlaaang Super Seat
is the automatic popcorn
machine in the armrest.
Of course, be careful.
I-- you know, I actually did this.
That hot butter
is gonna come spurting out.
Don't get it on your hand.
It's gonna burn.
And remember,
if you're not sitting
in a Schlaaang Super Seat...
you're just not
sitting down.
The Schlaaang Super Seat.
The ultimate film-watching
seating experience!
Close your left eye.
Now rapidly open and close
your left eye like this.
Wow! This is easy.
Now close your right eye.
Now rapidly open and close
your right eye like this.
Thank you.
It is advised to remove your
dentures or false teeth
before the movie begins.
I've been walking down
these streets for years.
Bonjour, Diamond Jim.
Bonjour.
Diamond Jim,
good to see you.
Bonjour.
They all know my name.
But I can't say
that I know theirs.
Bonjour.
- What can I say?
- sweet Paris.
Bonjour.
The smell of baguettes, flowers,
fresh meat in the air.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
This is a town full of beautiful people
all around you.
Bonjour.
Oui, oui. Magnifique.
I'm Diamond Jim.
This is my home.
My people.
But there's only one
that has my attention.
What can I get you,
Diamond Jim?
What do I have to do
to get you to finally go out with me?
Well...
a girl cannot
say no to diamonds.
Well, why didn't
you say so?
Oh, my God,
it is so beautiful.
Now kiss me.
What the fuck was that?
- That's it.
- That's our movie.
- Should we?
- Let's go make a speech.
Okay.
One more second.
This is the story of Tim and Eric.
They were given
$1 billion
to make their first
feature film
Tommy Schlaaang.
I paid a billion dollars
for that piece of shit?
But Tim and Eric did not
spend their money wisely.
Despite the record-setting
budget,
they were only able
to edit together
three minutes
of useable footage.
They had expensive
personal make-overs.
These two guys don't get
into premiere parties.
These guys get in the front of
the line at premiere parties.
And they accidentally cast
a Johnny Depp impersonator
instead of the genuine
Johnny Depp.
- You said it was Johnny Depp.
- It smelled like Johnny Depp.
Everyone said this is Johnny Depp
on the set. It was a big day.
No, it wasn't Johnny Depp.
I know my Johnny Depp.
Other expenses included
helicopter rides to work,
10-course lunches,
and real diamonds
for the Diamond Jim suit.
The diamonds are forever,
though, and we can't return them, so...
Those diamonds
aren't going back.
They hired a personal shopper
and spiritual guru
named Jim Joe Kelly,
who they paid an astonishing
$500,000 a week.
I'm not even walking on a set
without Jim Joe.
If you think I'm gonna
get involved in something
without him being a part of this,
then you're out of your mind.
They also employed a team
of personal assistants,
including this
small man named Jason.
Not now.
Tim and I are making a speech about
our movie, and you fucking blew it.
Come on, Jason, we need the hot corn
before the movie, not after the movie.
- You mind if I do it?
- Go ahead.
Come on!
Now sit down.
Sorry about that, gang.
But perhaps
most foolishly of all,
they signed a
legally binding contract
with the Schlaaang Corporation
which held them
personally responsible
for the $1 billion.
I want my money back!
We're going to sue you
for every dime.
You motherfuckers
are going to jail
for what you did!
After several
threatening letters
from the Schlaaang
Corporation,
Tim and Eric realized
they needed a plan
to pay back Schlaaang's
billion dollars.
- Shred it.
- Okay.
We've really got to think
of a way to get that money back.
There's got to be
an easy way to do it here.
Are you guys hungry?
We could get some beef chili
and hot dog buns
Iike you like to put your mouth
around like you like to do.
Ma! When we're hungry,
I'll ring the bell.
Then you'll know
to put some chili on.
After days of workshopping failed ideas,
Tim and Eric faced
the very real threat
of spending the rest
of their lives in jail.
But first they had to
terminate their relationship
with their trusted friend
and spiritual guru,
Jim Joe Kelly.
You're not going to believe
what I bought for you.
We've got to tell him.
Oh, mercy.
I'm sensing some...
real depression here.
What's going on?
Tell him.
Jim Joe, we have
to let you go.
Wha...
- I'm sorry.
- What? What?
- It's all over, Jim Joe.
- What?
- It's okay.
- What?
- It's okay, Jim Joe.
- Breathe.
I can't--
- Breathe.
- Oh!
- Jim Joe?
- Oh, God.
Ohh!
No! No!
Pull him up.
One, two, three!
That's not how you do CPR.
You go like this.
See? Do it. Shit.
He's drying out.
- He's drying out! Put him back in!
- Change our plan!
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
No. No, no, no, no.
Just steep it.
Why can't I just work
at a reduced rate?
The money's gone. We lost a billion
dollars. We're screwed.
Easy, Jim Joe.
Easy.
After all that I've
done for you!
Oh, Jim Joe.
This is so much harder
for us than it is for you.
All right. We're sorry.
We're just broke.
Great singing voice.
He's wonderful.
He's remarkable.
I guess this is goodbye.
Time to move on.
Please out.
Is it "please out"
or "peace out"?
- It's up to you.
- Enjoy it.
Please out.
So, with nowhere left to go,
Tim and Eric headed
to their favorite nightclub,
Circus Disco,
to drown their sorrows.
I don't know what we're
going to do, man.
I think we're finished.
We screwed up.
No one's ever gonna let us
direct another movie
after that shit.
You know, I used to have this
crazy fantasy of the two of us
walking hand in hand
down that red carpet
on our way
to the Academy Awards.
That's nice.
I don't think
it's gonna happen.
I just want to get
fucking drunk.
Forget about all this
billion-dollar bullshit.
I'm glad you said it because
I'm feeling the same way.
I want to get
so fucking high.
- I want a hashish.
- I'm gonna get skit on my nose.
Yo, I want to go dumb.
I want to cut
my fucking arm off.
I'd love to fucking get
blackout-drunk with you,
get a bunch of dudes,
put a bunch of shit
up our holes.
Yeah,
let's go fucking nuts.
Let's dance!
I want to get
so fuckin' high
So fuckin' high
I want to get
so fuckin' high
Yo, I want
to go dumb
I'm gonna
get skit on my nose
Skit-skit-skit
on my nose...
Aah!
I'm gonna get
skit on my nose
Skit-skit-skit
on my nose
Dumb...
Aah!
Aah!
I want a hashish
Ha-ha-ha-hashish
I want a hashish
Ha-ha-ha-hashish
Cut my fucking arm off
Fuck-fuck-fuck-
fucking arm off...
Fuck-fuck-fuck-
fucking arm off...
Ow!
Put a bunch of shit
up our holes
Bunch-bunch of shit
up our holes...
Oh, wow.
Bunch-bunch of shit.
Ohh...
Yeah.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Do you want to make
a billion dollars?
It's easy. Come and run my mall.
You'll be rich.
Hey, Eric,
come check this out.
You all love malls,
so take my mall.
What's the matter?
You don't want to make
a billion dollars?
Anyone can run
a stupid fucking mall,
even you.
Are you a man,
or possibly two men,
who need to make
a billion dollars?
Come and run my mall.
We're having hard times.
We need your ideas.
Everybody needs a billion.
Come and take over the S'wallow Valley
Mall and pizza court.
It's easy.
Not hard.
I said it's easy,
not hard.
There's never been an easier
way to make a billion dollars.
It's easy. And here's
- it's easy.
What's the matter? You don't want
to make a billion dollars?
My day wasn't going good
until I put on these--
Billion dollars.
Man, I love this--
Billion dollars.
I'm giving away a billion--
billion dollars!
But you gotta
run my mall.
Please save our mall.
We need your help.
Ah.
I work at one of the kiosks,
and it would mean the world
- if someone would come in here...
- She's so beautiful.
...and help us make
this mall great again.
Come to the S'wallow Valley Mall,
right off the 182 freeway
in S'wallow Valley.
Sounds crazy, Eric,
I know, but I think we can do this.
Yo, I like it.
- This mall could be easy money, man.
- That's right.
You know what? And I'm really good at
numbers, accounting, all that stuff.
Well, you know me. I'm a big P.R.,
strategy, marketing kind of guy.
But you know,
more importantly, man,
I just want to say this could
be a fresh start for us.
We could forget all about
this Hollywood bullshit
and really reinvent
ourselves.
Yeah. You know, I've been meaning
to tell you this all night,
but I love you, man.
And I love our friendship.
Well, thank you.
I honor you,
and I honor our friendship,
and I honor our love.
It would mean a lot to me
if we could run this mall
and I could make love
to this hot woman
and we could start a business
partnership together.
I love it, but I've
got a big problem.
I hate to do this
to you here.
I need to have an emergency
business meeting right now.
Because guess what? We don't have
a name for our company yet.
Shit.
All right.
What are we good at?
Well, we're men
who do business.
We want to be
business members.
We're boys
who do business.
- Yeah.
- But...
Eric. Look.
It's a sign.
"Doing business."
"Dobis."
I love it. It's got a ring
to it, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
- Dobis.
"That's who we are."
We're Dobis P.R.
Dobis.
- Look at that.
- Look at all the elements of business.
- Look it. They're all there, Eric.
- Market research.
- There's strategic P.R.
- Profit and loss.
I'll have the report
to you by Monday.
I'll look forward to it.
Guys,
I told you, you should
never have fired me.
Jim Joe,
what do you want?
I've got some poetry about regret
I'd like to share with you.
Come on, Jim Joe.
Friendship is warm,
friendship is touch.
Jim Joe, please stop.
We have to do this for ourselves.
We're sorry.
- We've got to leave you behind.
- I'm sick, and I'm lost,
and I'm tired
of floating around.
We love you, Jim Joe.
We wish you the best.
Let's go.
You cannot
look behind you
Oh, no, you can't
There's too much ahead
that excites you
Yes, there is
Just like two horses
Just like
two horses
Two horses
Running in the wind.
Hi, this is Tim and Eric.
Sorry we're not
here right now.
We've left town to become
business members.
We are now Dobis.
Please leave a message
for Dobis.
Be blessed.
Shit.
Son of a bitch.
They just skipped town
on us, Tommy.
- You find them.
- Mm-hmm.
Find them if it's
the last thing you do.
I want to drink their blood.
- I want to take a knife and gut them!
- Yes.
Oh, God, let me watch
their insides fall out.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
What else, Tommy?
- I want to strap them up--
- Yes.
And let a bamboo tree grow
right up into their ass, huh?
Yes.
Until the tree grows straight
through their brains!
Yes. And I will
deliver them unto you.
I want to eat
their fucking hearts!
Yeah!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Okay.
Tell me what you think.
Uh, "Dear Mr. Weebs,
We are very, very, very,
very excited to meet you.
We are Dobis."
That's all I've got so far.
What do you think?
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
I wasn't listening to you.
I'm just so focused
on this ridiculous look.
It's not working anymore.
Let me take a look.
It's just not right.
You know what, Eric, if we're
going to be businessmen,
I think maybe we should
look like businessmen, too.
- I agree.
- Hold on a second.
Now hold still.
Goodbye.
Oh!
Good night, Katie.
I miss you, my sweets.
Boy, you're really getting
attached to that photo, bud.
Tim, it's not
just a picture, man.
That could be
the girl of my dreams.
All right. Let's just
try to stay focused
on what's important here.
Ever since I saw you
in that commercial, Katie,
I felt this electricity
in my heart.
I can't wait to meet you
and make love to you
and go deep inside you
and show you my mushroom tip.
All right, well,
I'm hitting the sack.
Oh.
What the hell?
Okay.
- Katie.
- Okay.
All right.
You want to finish
that in the bathroom?
Almost done.
Almost done.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna
say good night, then.
Just like two horses
Just like
two horses
Two horses
Runnin' in the wind
Runnin' in the wind
Runnin' in the wind.
We've come
a long way, Tim.
We could turn around
right now if you want.
No.
I'm ready.
All right.
Let's go.
Hello?
Mr. Weebs?
Mr. Weebs?
Mr. Weebs?
Hello?
- What? What the--
- Mr. Weebs?
Go to heck!
- Whoa!
- Who is that, Taquito?
No, sir.
It's Dobis.
- It's Tim and Eric.
- Tim and Eric.
Oh.
- Oh. Come in.
- Thank you.
Yeah. Come in.
- Tim and Eric. Hello.
- Hi. Sorry to spook you.
- Good to meet you.
- Hi. Come in.
Hi. Hi.
I did not expect you guys.
I don't usually have visitors
at this time of the day.
So thank you.
Please, sit down.
Have a s--
God! Come on!
God damn it!
There's an order here.
Sorry.
Oh!
All this was organized.
Now, I don't know.
Because a couple of dicks
walked in and wrecked it.
- Can I help you?
- No!
Have you ever visited
an office before?
- You want us to come back another time?
- No.
I almost had a heart attack.
Can we have a fresh start?
- That'd be great.
- Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
And I'm Tim Heidecker.
And we are from Dobis P.R.
We saw your commercial,
and we're here
to run the mall
and make that billion.
Do you want
to watch "Top Gun"?
- Right now?
- I love that movie.
- You have a copy?
- I have it here somewhere.
There it is.
It was right here...
- Right on top.
- ...the whole time.
Okay. "Top Gun."
- Just put it in here?
- Just put it right in there.
Great.
Does it start
from the top?
Mm-hmm.
"Top Gun" from the top.
Sit back and enjoy the ride.
- Tom Cruise, I guess.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
- Great.
- I like that movie.
- It's a good movie.
- Terrific.
- Wonderful. Artistic.
Do you want
to watch it again?
We just saw
one pass of it, so...
We'd love to focus
in on the business.
It literally means
the world to me.
Come on.
I guess we can watch it
one more time.
Yeah.
- Rewind here?
- Rewind.
So while
we're rewinding,
Iet's talk business
about the mall.
And hit play.
- Okay. Play again?
- Round two.
- Play again.
- "Top Gun" from the top again.
Sit back and enjoy the ride.
I love that movie.
It's a great film.
Great flying.
Yeah.
I love that music.
Yeah.
Yeah, the music is great.
Not just the songs, either,
the score is good.
- The motorcycles and stuff.
- Uh-huh.
Is that Val Kilmer?
Is that Val Kilmer?
Jesus.
Fuck.
All right.
Taquito!
Get up here right now!
I've got some business
for you!
I'll need to introduce
you to Taquito.
He lives here in the mall.
He's a sick boy.
Hmm, sorry to hear that.
Come here.
He's your problem now.
Okay.
Also, you're going to have
to look out for the wolf.
Is that
a metaphorical wolf?
- Huh?
- Like an animal wolf?
- Yeah.
- You're talking about a wolf?
Oh, yeah.
He's a real wolf.
He'll bite you.
Noted. Okay.
Well, if I could
just move on?
One more thing. I hate to do this
to you, but in the commercial,
you said we were gonna
make a billion dollars.
Oh. The money's coming.
Did you wink there?
- Hmm?
- You just winked.
Look. Don't worry
about the money.
You're gonna make a billion
running this place.
Making the money.
Yeah, it happened again.
I'm sorry.
We're still seeing it.
Really?
I find that hard to believe.
I saw a wink.
That was a wink.
I don't think I winked.
Yeah. Well, we both saw it.
You winked.
I don't know if it's some kind of
reflexive thing.
No.
Would you just mind
saying "Tim and Eric,
you'll make the billion dollars,
run the mall," and there's no wink?
I hate doing this, but could you just--
you know, even with your hands...
- I'm happy to.
- ...just keep them open.
Then just say "Tim and Eric
will make a billion dollars."
No wink.
Just say the line
and keep the eyes wide open.
You're gonna do just fine
running this place.
You're gonna make a billion.
Even with them spread,
I-- we see the wink.
I don't even know how
it's possible, but you're--
- you're winking through it.
- Hmm.
I think we should just
trust him on this.
- I don't know, man.
- We don't have any other options.
Wink or no wink, we have
to go with this. We're here.
Okay. All right,
well, Mr. Weebs,
we'd love to accept
the offer.
- Oh, that's wonderful news.
- We'll run your mall.
Great news.
Yes, Uncle Damian?
What is it?
Taquito!
These are Tim and Eric.
Oh, how nice.
They will be running
the mall from now on.
- You take orders from them.
- Yes, Uncle Damian.
Want to see where I live?
Want to know where to get food?
Taquito!
You do the song
like we practiced.
Yes, Uncle Damian.
My name is Taquito,
I live here in the mall
I got left here
when I was really small
And then the mall closed,
and the wolves came to stay
They raised me at first
But now they chase me
all day
So stick with me
I'll show you
all the tricks
But not too close,
or you may get sick.
Sorry, I'm real sick.
- You okay?
- I'll be all right.
It's just the shivers.
My body's hot,
but I feel cold.
Mr. Weebs?
Tonight's movie features
several important lessons.
The following segments
are meant to reinforce these themes.
You wanted to see me?
Yes.
You're fired.
Oh, no!
Why? Why?
That's it.
Let it all out.
Oh, no.
This is the best
business scenario for us.
It had to be done.
Yes, you are right.
I understand that now.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Psst. Wait.
Come back.
This is your
severance package.
Sweet old Mrs. Wareheim.
Mrs. Heidecker.
Yes.
You must be so proud
of your boys.
Making a big
Hollywood movie.
Aren't you?
The sets,
the movie stars.
Geez Louise,
it's something, isn't it?
Well, you see,
the problem is
that they
screwed up big-time.
They screwed up, mommies.
Oh, no.
Are you scared?
- Hmm?
- Scared?
Where's your son?
I don't know.
Where are your sons?
I wish I could help you,
but I can't. Sorry.
Where are your sons?
Where are your sons?
Where is he?
Earle.
Let me try.
You've got Zaffer's Music
over there on the right.
Ahem. And that's
Dan's Tiny Baby Outlet.
He's only open
two days a week.
And this here
is Drimble's Yogurt.
Some folks
say it's haunted
by the yogurt man.
I don't know.
I wouldn't change
too much around here.
The yogurt man might
get real upset.
That's a bobo.
How are you?
Hi.
And this is Simon's.
They sell things
for mommies and daddies.
Oh, hey, Eric,
check it out. Swords.
Cool, I love swords.
Mr. Bishopman?
I have a couple of fellas
who wanted to meet you.
What's this? What do you want?
We're closing.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
I'm Eric Wareheim,
and we're from Dobis P.R.,
and we're here
to take over your mall.
That's right, Mr. Bishopman.
We are here to reimagine
what this mall can be,
and, in fact, we got some pretty big
and exciting changes in mind.
Mm-hmm.
So just hand over
your cost report,
and we'll get started on
some business plans for you.
You listen to me.
I'm Allen
fucking Bishopman,
and I've run E Z Swords
for 15 years.
And you want me to change?
Fuck you!
Sir, Dobis is here
to help, okay?
I like things this way.
I don't want things
to change!
Okay.
I sell two swords a year,
I'm good.
I sell no swords a year,
and I'm even better.
You see, S'wallow Valley
wants to keep swords off the streets,
and they pay me a monthly fee
to not sell any swords!
Okay.
I didn't know that.
Well, now you do, you shit!
Okay. Well, we didn't
know that. So...
Well, now you do,
you shit!
Well, we weren't aware.
I'm sorry.
Well, now you do,
you piece of shit.
I got a lot of stuff
going around in my head.
I've got to sort it out,
and it will help
to not have you
right in my fucking face
the whole time!
Well, we look forward to doing
business with you, sir.
Yes. All the best.
Good night.
Anyways, there's a lot
of other fun stuff
I'll show you tomorrow.
Well, here we are.
Here's my humble abode
and your temporary home
away from home.
Okay. Careful.
This is my secret tunnel.
Well, here's
the living room.
Shut the fuck up, you little cunt!
That's Roy.
Don't look him in the eye.
Hello.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Ah!
Here we are.
This is my little palace.
This is where I sleep.
If you have to do
your business.
There's no curtain.
You just close your eyes.
If you have to do any work
or any kind
of calculations,
you can--
you can use
this machine I built.
It's called the--
it's called the taqutor.
Eric's our numbers
man here.
I'm more of a managerial
type for Dobis.
Really looking forward
to crunching some numbers
on that taqutor, Taquito.
Oh, yeah.
You must be hungry.
- We're fine.
- Here. Have a taquito.
Ooh.
No, thanks.
You've got to keep those
refrigerated, Taquito.
I know. That's why
I only eat the middle.
Taquito, don't put that
in your mouth, please.
Taquito,
is everything all right?
It's only blood.
It's just natural.
I'm not meant to live long.
Poor boy.
All right.
Well, on that note,
we should probably
hit the hay.
Okay.
- So--
- We can sleep right back there?
Yep.
- Good night.
- Sweet dreams.
Good night, Taquito.
Good night.
Yeah, awfully nice to have some company.
Thanks, Taquito.
Thank you.
This is what we do
This is who we are
We're Dobis P.R.,
We're Dobis P.R.
We love what we do
And we love who we are
We're Dobis P.R.,
We're Dobis P.R.
D-O-B-I yes
P.R.
D-O-B-I yes
P.R.
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P. Do do do
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P.
Do, do, do, do
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P.
Do, do, do
Dobis P., Dobis P.,
Dobis P., Dobis P.
Do, do, do, do,
do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do
do, do, do, do, do
We're D-O-B-I-S
P.R.
Hello, people of
S'wallow Mall.
Let's give a real big
warm welcome
to our presidents
of Dobis P.R.--
Tim and Eric!
- Hey.
- Hey, everybody.
Awesome.
What is up,
party people?
Thank you.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
This is Eric Wareheim.
We are Dobis P.R.,
and we're here to tell you
about our plan
to revitalize
the S'wallow Valley Mall.
Boo!
And here's how we're
gonna do it, guys.
We're gonna use the three
keys to success.
The first key to success.
We gotta get rid
of that wolf...
That wolf.
Okay, our second
key to success
is we've got to clean
this mall up.
All right? We've got to put a fresh coat
of paint on things.
We've gotta get rid
of all you squatters.
The third key to success
is to prepare
for the grand re-opening
of the new
S'wallow Valley Mall.
We've got to get rid of
the stores that don't work
and bring in stores
that do work,
that make profits.
That's gonna do it
for us, guys.
And we're gonna be
making our billion.
You got that right.
I do want to add
a small caveat here.
We have absolutely
no experience doing this kind of stuff.
Absolutely not, guys.
We are Hollywood actors.
Okay?
That's our specialty.
Re-opening a shit-hole mall?
It's not what we do.
Yeah. We just want
to go on record here
so nobody can come back
and this can't bite us in the ass
that we didn't know what we
were doing here, okay?
When I look in your face,
sir, I say to myself,
I wish I stayed in Hollywood
and just stayed
a superstar actor.
What the fuck
am I doing down here
doing business
in this shit-hole mall?
- But that's Dobis.
- That's the pride of Dobis.
Get used to it 'cause this place
is gonna change.
Oh, yeah!
Come on, everybody!
Say Dobis!
- Dobis!
- Dobis!
Talk about it, Mama:
Dobis in the house.
- Dobis!
- Dobis!
Dobis!
Got you just
where I want you.
There you are.
Oh, you guys
are going down.
Excuse me. I was wondering
about this sword.
Hang on. Can't you see
I'm on the fucking phone?
Operator.
Yes.
Hello, operator.
I need the number for
the Schlaaang Corporation.
I have some information
they're gonna want to hear.
Let me give you their
customer service--
No, I don't want customer
service, you stupid bitch.
I want you to put me through
to headquarters, goddamn it.
H-hello?
Oh, she hung up. Great.
She hung up.
What the hell do you want?
Oh, you're just holding
a knife out like I know--
Oh, I know
what to do with that.
I just want to see how
much this sword was.
Get the hell out
of my store.
Official Dobis reps here,
stopping in
for a meet-and-greet.
Hi, welcome to Reggie's.
What can I get for you?
We've got a sale
on slightly soiled.
No, no, no.
We're not customers.
I don't know if you saw our presentation
we did the other day,
but we're running things
here at the mall now.
What exactly do you
sell here, Reggie?
Oh, used toilet paper,
of course.
There's a lot of demand
for that here, then, Reg?
It's more of
a gourmet operation.
Okay.
Write down gourm--
I got it. G-I--
No,
G-O-R-M-A-Y.
G-O-R...
- M-A-Y.
- M-A-Y.
Yep. Uh, every night, we go
out to the usual spots--
you know, abandoned
port-a-potties, sewage mains,
those kind of places--
and we do our collecting.
And then we take
the messy slop back here,
and we spool it all
onto new rolls.
What's that? Shit?
It's a shit smell.
Is that you?
It smells like po-po.
My father taught me this
profession years ago.
And now I'm teaching
it to my son.
- Good.
- Speak of the devil.
Come on.
This is Jeffrey.
- Say hello.
- Hi.
Hello.
Where have you been
hiding this boy?
- That's not a bad boy.
- Come here.
Let me feast my eyes
on that boy.
Come here. Yeah.
Take a look at you.
Hey.
Look at the size of him.
Look at this.
Hmm.
Let me see your mouth.
Nice. Nice teeth.
You want to sit
on Uncle Tim's lap?
Get on my knee.
I like your son a lot.
All right,
all right, Tim.
Listen, Reggie, after
a few calculations here,
it looks like your store isn't quite fit
for the new Dobis brand.
Sorry, Reg. We're gonna
have to shut this boy down.
It's been in
the family for years.
The new S'wallow Valley Mall
is about fresh, clean, safe--
You know what, Tim?
There's an opening
for head of janitorial,
and I don't know
Reggie's qualifications,
but I feel like we could
give him a shot.
What do you think?
Uh, well...
You do the dust.
You do the shine.
We make a mess,
you clean it up.
- That's the job.
- Okay.
Great. Well, Reg,
it sounds like you're gonna be pretty
busy over the next few weeks.
Jeffrey, how about you
tag along with us?
And I can teach you
a little bit about
what it's like to be
a businessman around here,
what it's like
to be a real man.
What it's like to be a real
successful businessman.
Huh? Sound good?
- Yes, sir.
- Don't call me sir.
Why don't you call me Daddy?
Say "Yes, Daddy."
Yes, Daddy.
Does that sound good
to you, Uncle Reg?
Yeah. Okay.
Are you gonna be my son?
That's what I thought.
Attention, squatters.
This is your final warning.
Please vacate the mall
immediately.
This is a direct order
from Dobis P.R.
Get out of here.
Swing, swing, swing.
Swing, swing.
Oh, shit.
You got, like,
a foot back here
if you swing it
hard enough.
I got it.
I got it.
Back it up.
Get out and push.
Get out and push.
Hey! I'm trying
to work in here.
All right. Shrim Alternative
Healing Center.
It looks like they have
a video here, guys.
You want to watch a movie, son?
Good day.
I'm Dr. Doone Strutts.
And I want to thank you
for choosing
the Shrim Alternative
Healing Center.
Shrim.
Shrim can
help you achieve
premium body health.
Shrim.
Ooh.
You must locate
your inner shrim.
Shrim begin.
I will help you
find your shrim,
along with my sons.
- Shrim!
- Shrim!
Shrim.
Shrim!
Shrim!
I'd really like to get
my shrim tested,
meet Dr. Doone.
Shrim.
Sounds like shrimp.
Shrimp sounds like Shemp.
Shrim. We should get
some shrimp for dinner.
What?
Shrim! Shrim! Shrim!
Shrim!
All right, Katie's
Celebrity Balloons is our last stop.
Looks like no one's home.
We can turn around.
- No.
- Let's go back.
Just play it cool.
Play it just like yourself.
Just be natural.
Don't forget we're here for business.
Let's do it.
Jeffrey, stick with me.
Play with the balloons.
Hello. Hi.
Tim and Eric here.
- Oh, hi there.
- Hi, I'm Tim Heideck--
Hey,
I'm Eric Wareheim.
Businessmen here.
I'm so nervous.
So, um, love you.
- No.
- No?
Just be yourself.
Hi. Eric Wareheim.
I love you.
- Mm. Start again. Pardon us.
- One, two, three.
Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
Very in love with you--
- Okay.
- This is business.
I'm trying to just say
the business thing.
We won't be able
to use any of that.
- Cut the love?
- Yeah.
Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
We're here from Dobis.
We're evaluating
your balloon stand.
And I love you so much.
All right.
Why don't you take two?
Tsst. Tsst.
Take five. I'll get this.
Hi. We're Dobis.
We're just walking around,
trying to get a lay of the land,
figuring out what you guys
need, how we can make this mall better.
Oh. I was in
the audience.
I saw your presentation.
You were wonderful.
Thank you for coming
all this way to help us.
These are super cool.
How do you even make them?
Oh, thank you.
Eric. Eric.
Uh, so, Katie, I would love to schedule
an official Dobis dinner
to discuss
your business model
for your
balloon store here.
With both of you?
That would be great.
Um, or just me.
Um, Tim will probably
be busy with his son,
so you and I can just kind
of go over all the details.
Friday's no good.
Jeff's got a lot of homework.
We're gonna
concentrate on that.
Oh. Okay, fine.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Eric.
Jeffrey!
Jeff?
I miss you, son.
What are you working on
over there, bud?
I'm just crunching some numbers
with the taqutor here,
and we got a problem.
What are you
talking about?
Come take a look at this.
Taqutor,
Ioad up the Dobis
presentation, please.
See what I'm saying?
It doesn't add up.
Eric, it's probably just
a bug in the mainframe.
I'll have Jeffrey
run a diagnostic.
We'll get it sorted out.
It's nothing to worry about.
No. There's nothing wrong
with the taqutor, man.
The numbers are right here.
There's no way we're making that bil.
What are you saying?
That Weebs lied to us?
You know how stupid
that sounds?
You know
what your problem is?
Your head's in the clouds
thinking about Katie all the time.
Let me ask you something.
How many times did you
masturbate to her today?
Like five or six.
Five or six times,
when you should have been
focused on the prize.
You should be
focused on this:
opening up the S'wallow
Valley Mall,
making the "mooney," okay?
Not some dumb slut.
Hey!
Say what you want about my
calculations in the taqutor,
but leave Katie
out of this.
May I have a bite
of your apple?
I wish I had
a bigger bite.
That bite was all mine
because I worked hard for it.
Yep. I didn't
deserve that bite.
I should have
worked harder.
Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies.
I'm a successful
businessman, ladies.
I built the Schlaaang empire
from the ground up.
And if you think two idiots
can make a fool of me,
then you've got a lot
to learn about business
and the Schlaaang way.
Yes.
I've had you here for days,
and you've given me nothing.
Cornell, could you untie
Mrs. Wareheim, please?
Yes.
You see this?
It's a letter opener.
It was my grandpop's.
Beautiful.
He must have used it to open up
thousands of letters over the years,
but it also settled
more than a few arguments.
Do you want
to lose a finger, too?
Where are your sons?
I wish I could tell you
what you need to know
if it would get your
billion dollars back to you.
But I just don't think I know
where they did get to.
Motherfucking Tim and Eric,
where did you go?
You are my son
You're better
than anyone
You're just like
a shiny new toy
You are my boy
You are my son
You're better
than anyone.
- Ahem. Excuse me.
- What?
Sorry to interrupt, but do you want to
get back to Dobis?
Or do you want
to continue singing?
Yeah. It's fine.
Just got lost in my music.
Well, we've got
Drimble's Yogurt here.
Uh, looks like the power's
been off for years,
so we got a lot of spoiled
yogurt we gotta deal with.
And, as you recall, Taquito
gave us a little intel
about a so-called yogurt man
that's haunting the premises.
So Dobo better investigo.
Well, if there is a yogurt man
in there, Eric,
then today he's getting
his eviction notice.
Oh, God.
The smell.
Yogurt man, are you in here?
Hello?
Yogurt man?
Ohh!
Yogurt man, stand down!
The mall's haunted!
Wait.
Taquito?
- Taquito.
- I'm sorry, guys.
I just don't want
anything to change.
Taquito,
change is important.
But that doesn't mean we're gonna
forget about our old friends.
- I don't know.
- Hold on a second, Taquito.
Taquito, we just had
a Dobis meeting,
and we've decided to let you
run the mall fountain.
Really?
Not only do you have to get it working,
but you have to maintain it
and keep track of
all the loose change.
So I think Taquito's gonna be
with us for quite some time.
Thanks, guys.
I'll do the best I can.
I hope I don't kick
the bucket before I finish.
Shut the fuck up,
you fucking cunt motherfuckers!
I'll kill you,
you goddamn...
- Tim, how do I look?
- Take a peek.
Well, well, well.
- Sharp as a tack.
- I'm feeling pretty good.
Big date tonight, huh?
Yeah. I'm taking Katie
to Inbreadables.
That'll be nice.
- I'm trying to impress her.
- Oh. Almost forgot.
I got you a little
something here.
- It's called a Spanish fly.
- What is it?
Let's just say
it'll enhance
your lovemaking
experience tonight.
I put this right in my ass?
Mm, no. You put it orally.
Yeah, right in your mouth.
Did you swallow it?
Come on, swallow it.
- Perfect.
- Didn't go in.
Come on.
Swallow it.
Mmm.
Well, you better
hit the road, then.
Okay.
Wish me luck, bud.
I guess I'll just stay here
and work on Dobis.
Keep my eye on the prize.
Good luck with the pills.
Good luck.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is James Quall
here to talk about bread,
and one thing
I'd have to say
is that I'd rather be
saying all these bread lines
than standing in one.
Ah, yes. One thing
that might be a hazard
about talking about bread
is they might accuse one
of being a loafer.
Now I've just
come from Hollywood,
where they have all these
famous personalities
Iike Bread Pitt
and Robert Breadford.
And now...
I'll be "baguette"
in 20 minutes.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
I love this place.
I know what you mean.
- You want some of this bread slop?
- I'd love some.
Mmm.
This is so good.
This is a funky place.
So you were telling me
about your mom.
Oh. Well, my mother calls
every Saturday night, right?
It's like she's just calling
to see if I have a date.
- So she doesn't just call--
- Ohh!
Are you okay, honey?
Is it getting hot in here?
I don't think so.
I'm just feeling
really weird.
Are you okay, honey?
There's so much
fucking bread here.
Fuck. Fuck.
Ohh!
Isn't it hot
in here, Katie?
Little something
called Spanish fly.
Eric, are you okay?
I have way too many
teeth in my mouth!
You might need some help.
- Hi, how are you?
- No!
What?
Sorry, Eric, there's nothing
I can do for you now.
What the fuck is that?
I'm gonna take you
to the Shrim Healing Center.
Come on.
You'll feel much better.
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry, everyone.
Shrim!
Come on in, my son.
Dr. Doone has you now,
and he's going to make you
feel all better.
- Where am I?
- Shh.
Quiet, my boy.
You need the healing
powers of shrim.
I can sense that.
Okay.
You're in a very bad place.
Now drop those pants.
Shrim!
How was your date?
Not so good.
Eric got sick.
Aw. That's too bad.
It must be
really unsatisfying.
Yeah. It was.
It's a little awkward,
isn't it?
- Yeah. I suppose.
- I'm so nervous.
Listen.
Want to go inside?
Okay.
Are you sure?
No.
Okay. Let's go.
Come on.
Step into
the tub, my son.
That's it.
That's it.
Everything's going to be
okay, Eric, my boy.
Dr. Doone has got you,
and he's going to give you
a nice warm shrim bath.
- What?
- All my boys have been
hiding the shrim
inside them for days now,
and they're excited
to finally let it out all over you.
- What boys?
- Come, my sons.
It's time.
Oh, look at them.
They can barely hold it in.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim. Shrim.
Yeah.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim.
Shrim.
- Ohh!
- Shrim.
Shrim.
My boys only eat
the finest, softest meat
so that they can
achieve a level of shrim
that's unmatched.
Shrim. Shrim.
Oh!
Let the brown,
foamy mess
wash all over you.
Oh, that's a beautiful thing.
Shrim, shrim.
This is the power of shrim!
Jeffrey?
Is that you, boy?
What are you doing,
Jeffrey?
Where's Papa Tim?
Is he inside?
Where are you going?
Hello?
What the fuck.
- Shit.
- What's going on?
Eric, don't do anything
stupid here, buddy.
I should go.
Katie. How could
you do this to me?
- Eric, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, stop.
You listen to me.
I saved you from her.
She was nothing but dead weight, Eric.
She was making you soft.
- She was not making me soft.
- She was making you soft.
She wasn't making me soft.
She was making you soft!
She was making me hard.
Rock hard.
Sometimes,
when you're writing,
you just look for opportunities
to create moments
that take you
out of the scene
and just add--
add a joke.
The jag was that we were
doing "soft, soft, soft"
and sort of out of
nowhere we go "hard."
Boom! Laugh.
We fought
for a laugh track,
and they said, "No,
this is a feature film for the theaters.
A laugh track wouldn't
make any sense."
Think about it.
Eric, she was
making you soft.
She's taken your eyes off the game,
Eric, okay? We're here for Dobis.
What did you give me?
That wasn't Spanish fly.
I played the oldest trick
in the book.
But I had to play it 'cause
I needed to save my friend.
You poisoned me.
- What else could I do?
- You son of a bitch.
Motherfucker!
How could you do that?
No! No!
Guys!
- Jim Joe?
- Why are you fighting? Stop fighting.
Don't you remember
my poem about peace?
If you don't remember,
I'll recite it for you.
- Jim Joe!
- P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Aah!
Like that?
Ohh!
You want some of this?
Oh!
Aah!
Why are you fighting?
Motherfucker!
No! No!
Aah! Ohh!
Say you're sorry!
- I'm sorry!
- Say you're sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
- Okay. It's okay.
- I'm sorry for everything!
I'm sorry I poisoned you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no.
Listen, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry.
You were looking out for me.
You were looking out for us
and the whole Dobis thing.
I know that now.
I'm glad you finally
see it that way
'cause I'm just
trying to help.
Yeah. I just have to
ask you one question.
Why'd you have to sleep with Katie?
You know I love her.
Well, to be honest with you,
the plan made me horny.
I had to empty my ball sack
into something.
That moist hole
must have felt so good.
Boy, you really do
love her, don't you?
I really do.
It's not gonna bother you
when you're making love to her
that my wick got
inside that hole?
Not at all, man.
There's something
special about it,
you being deep inside
like that.
Well, then, it will be an honor
to be your best man.
Come on down
to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
I'll be there. My best friend
Tim Heidecker will be there.
I think you're gonna
like what you see.
Ooh, you're gonna like
the fake trees.
Ooh, you're gonna like
all our new stores.
Ooh, you're gonna like
meeting my new son Jeffrey.
My best friend Tim and I redid this
whole mall for you.
You got to come down.
It isn't gonna kill you.
Come on down.
- It's for Dobis' sake!
- I'm gonna murder myself
if you don't come down
to my new fucking mall.
Come on down to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
My dad told me this is
the coolest mall ever.
You think you know more than my dad?
Don't fucking come, then.
It's the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
It's just off Route 35
right here in historic S'wallow Valley.
Where did you get that?
This guy named Bishopman.
He sends this to me.
He's been filling up
my voice-mail box for weeks
with crazy rants
about these guys.
But look at this.
We got them, Tommy.
We got them.
Earle, gather the men.
We found your boys.
We're gonna go get them.
All right.
Listen, guys,
on behalf of Dobis,
I want to say thank you
for all your hard work
in getting this mall
back in shape.
And I gotta say
something personally.
We're all
very proud of you.
Guys, tomorrow
is our big day,
and Dobis couldn't be
more jazzed about it.
But right now I want
to have a little fun,
with the permission
of my best friend Tim.
Muyo permissiono granted.
Taquito,
would you do the honors?
Here goes nothing.
On three, everybody.
One, two, three!
Taquito.
It's wonderful.
It's gorgeous, Taquito.
I worked really hard on it.
- We should make a wish.
- I love it.
Oh, Dobis, I wish
for this grand re-opening
to be the greatest grand
re-opening of all time.
I wish that Tim Heidecker
remains my best friend
- and I get to marry Katie soon.
- Hmm.
I forgot about that wolf.
I know what to do.
I will need some duct tape
and some pizza.
Eric, I don't feel
good about this.
Taquito, be careful.
Mama Wolf!
Taquito.
I have some nice pizza
for you.
Remember when
we had pizza?
Hi, Mama Wolf.
Remember your baby boy?
I have to ask you
a little favor.
It's time to go
back to the--
Taquito!
He's gone.
Must have snapped that
neck on the way down.
- He saved the mall.
- Tell you what, Taquito.
We're going to change
the name of the pizza court
to the Taquito court,
do you hear me?
Goodbye, boy.
I miss the shit
out of him already.
- Taquito!
- Mr. Weebs?
What are you doing here?
I could sense my boy
Taquito was in trouble.
It's too late.
He's already dead.
He sacrificed his body
for the mall.
He's gone.
Taquito.
He's alive.
Uh, am I in heaven?
Taquito, you killed the wolf,
and you saved the mall.
You did just what you
said you'd do.
Uh, I did it.
I killed the wolf.
You did, my little boy.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm not gonna last long.
I'm in a lot of pain.
Oh, Taquito.
Would you like Uncle Damian
to put some lead in you, son?
It's so cold down here.
Put me to sleep forever.
Oh, Taquito.
I can't watch him die twice.
I can't do it. Sorry.
Taquito!
I'm still here.
Better try again.
Okay.
Taquito!
Now I can't feel my legs.
It won't be long now.
I can't take this.
Finish him off.
Damn it, Weebs,
shoot him in the face.
No.
I want my Taquito to have
an open casket funeral.
Ow. Ohh!
Come on, Taquito.
Just die, Taquito.
Come on.
Any minute now.
Maybe I won't be sick
in heaven.
He's dead.
Is he dead?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Taquito. Thank you.
That's it, then.
A little to the left.
Back a little bit.
That looks pretty good.
- It's great.
- Yeah.
You know what, Eric?
There's something I need to tell you.
I think you may
have been right.
I did some numbers
crunching of my own,
and there's no way
we're going to make
a billion dollars
running this mall.
I know. But you know what?
That doesn't matter anymore.
It's not about the money.
It's about you and me.
It's about your new son.
It's about Katie.
It's about the mall. I mean, we've
really made a difference here.
You know what? They probably forgot
about that billion dollars anyway.
It's just a billion dollars.
Hee!
I love this fucking mall!
Come on.
- To Dobis.
- Hey, big news.
You have just been made
Dobis' employee of the month.
I want to live in this
fucking mall forever.
Yeah.
Forever?
Do you forgive me
for sleeping with Tim?
I do.
There he is.
Ohh!
I hope
you never leave.
I guess we're gonna
be here forever.
Look, Dad,
our first customers.
I don't think those
are customers, son.
Let me take a look.
Shit. Schlaaang.
They found us.
All right, everybody inside.
Come on.
What's going on?
Listen up, Tim and Eric!
We have you surrounded!
And if you don't come out
in 10 seconds,
I'm gonna come in there
and blow you to fucking hell!
Finally.
Good luck, assholes.
Ha ha ha! Hey, guys,
it's me-- Allen.
I was the one who sent you the tape
telling you where to find Tim and Eric.
Shit!
- Eric, look out!
- Oh, God!
Okay, okay, listen, maybe--
maybe I overreacted.
You think there's
some common ground here--
I like you-you like me
kind of thing?
Tim, we need
a Dobis-sized idea stat!
Okay, hold on now.
Hold on. Let me think.
- Come on! Think!
- Come on, Tim.
- What's going on?
- Ah, I got it.
Reggie, hey,
come on in.
Come here,
come here, come here.
- How's everything?
- Good.
Family good?
- Yes.
- Okay.
So, listen, we got
a little thing out here.
It's not really a big deal. But if you'd
go out there and talk to them,
maybe knock some sense
into them, Reg.
- Nice.
- You're a reasonable man.
They're reasonable men.
You could go out there
and tell them
to put their guns down.
Would you do
that for us, Reg?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
do it, do it.
Dobis needs you,
Reg. Please.
You'd be hitting it
out of the park for us
if you did it, Reg.
- I can do that.
- Will you do it? Oh, good. Thanks, Reg.
Why don't you go ahead
and do that now, then?
Dobis thanks you, Reg.
Hi.
My name is Reggie.
I think we should all
take a moment here
and reassess the situation
because there are a lot
of good people in there
and I would hate
to see any of them hurt.
Fire!
No.
How do you like that,
Tim and Eric?
Huh? Ha! Ha!
Aah!
That didn't work.
Sorry.
We're doomed.
What is that smell?
I pooped my pants.
Oh, Allen,
that's disgusting.
Look, I'm sorry that
I tattled on you two.
I shouldn't have called.
I just thought they were going to give
you a slap on the wrist.
Smell's getting in my eyes.
Wait a second.
I have an idea.
Allen, you go
back to your store
and bring as many swords
as you can carry.
Okay.
You're all gonna
die in there!
Here you go, guys.
As many as I could muster.
Thanks so much, Allen.
These are great.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
Anything for you.
I am a team player.
- Oh. This one's nice.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's one
of my favorite ones.
I personally sharpened
that one-- aah!
That's for
betraying us, Allen!
- Nice.
- Thanks, man.
You know this is it.
I know.
I gotta say it's been
one hell of a ride.
- To Dobis.
- To Dobis.
Katie, I have something
to say to you now.
You know you're the love
of my life, right?
Yeah.
Ever since I met you,
I wanted to consummate that love.
I wanted to go deep inside
you without a condom
and explode in
your canal. Psssh.
Grow a little baby
up in there.
Start a family.
So I have to ask you this
one important question.
Will you marry me?
Hey, Eric, where'd you
get that big diamond?
I got it on the "Diamond Jim" set.
I got tons of them.
Oh, yeah, I got a ton
of them diamonds, too.
I got, like, a billion
dollars' worth of them.
Will you make me
the happiest man on earth?
Yes, I do.
- Katie!
- No.
Nice shooting, Tommy.
Really, really good.
My love.
No.
Schlaaang!
Eric.
We doing this?
Hells, yeah.
Ah, shit, come on.
Take them out!
Okay, listen, I need you
to do something for me.
It's not going to be easy,
but I know you can do it
'cause you're my little boy.
You're the best son
I ever had.
Hey, Schlaaang!
Shoot the kid!
We did it.
We did it, buddy.
We really did it.
Well, what did you think?
As Steven Spielberg,
I approve of this movie.
And let me say this is the greatest
film of all time.
- Yeah.
- Let's celebrate.
Yay!
Tim and Eric
have done it, yeah
They made their movie
that they wanted to make
You can tell by the smile
on their faces
They got what they shot
And then they put it
in the can
"Tim and Eric's Billion
Dollar Movie" is done
It's over, it's over,
it's over, oh, yeah
"Tim and Eric's Billion
Dollar Movie" is done
It's over, it's over,
it's over
Oh, yeah...
Shrim!
We did it. You understand me?
We fucking did it!
Tim and Eric have taken
my part away from me
Iike Garry Marshall
did to me
back with "Laverne and Shirley"
and "Happy Days"
when they chose
Robin Williams over me.
Hi. We're Tim and Eric.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
Hi. I'm Eric Wareheimer,
and this movie--
- Eric Wareheim.
- Hi. My name is Eric Wareheim.
This is our
billion dollar movie.
Thanks so much
for watching.
I'm proud of the film.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
He's my best friend,
and I love him so much.
I'm also proud of it
as well as you--
of you.
And...
roll the credits.
Okay.
Roll credits.
You guys good?
Great. Thanks.
Good for me.
Oh, hi.
I'm Michael Gross.
If you would like me
to narrate your life story,
please contact me at...
...and someone from my staff
will get back to you.
You have a good day.