Tim Dillon: I'm Your Mother (2025) Movie Script
1
["Do It Again" by Jay Putty playing]
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Tim Dillon!
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Thank you so much. Austin, how are you?
Good? Are you feeling good?
Good.
Who gives a fuck?
[crowd laughing]
I like Austin because it's just
the right amount of homeless people.
LA has too many.
Some cities don't have enough.
Austin has the Goldilocks
"just right" amount of homeless people.
Austin has just enough homeless people
to change the course of a morning walk.
No.
When I grew up,
not everybody was homeless.
Everyone's homeless now.
It's... I don't know what happened.
When I grew up, homelessness
was, like, three or four people,
and they were fun.
They were, like, fun.
Remember when homeless people were fun?
You would throw them nickels.
They would do a jig, like...
Or it was that pigeon bitch.
From the movie, who looked like me.
Remember her?
But now homeless people,
something's going on with the home...
Like, the homeless are not doing well.
There's a lot of, like...
Like...
People are like,
"What's the solution?" I'm like,
"Oh, ho! I don't even
know what the problem is."
I have no idea what's going on.
They're like,
"It's a cost of living issue."
Wait, what?
"Yeah, it's the interest rates."
"What are you talking about?"
"Yeah, it's the interest rates.
That's why."
"He needs a job."
Uh... How would that even work?
"Welcome to Geico."
[laughs]
"Meet your claims rep, I guess?"
LA's got a whole area of the city
called Skid Row.
And you've all heard of it,
and it's just tents.
That's it. It's just all homeless people.
And it comes in handy.
A friend of mine and his wife came in,
they'd never been to California,
they're from Nashville.
It was Halloween. She was so excited.
His wife was like, "Hey, y'all,
are there any fun haunted hayrides?"
I said, "Get in the car."
People were lunging at the car.
[snarling]
She's like, "It feels like we could die."
I'm like, "We could definitely die."
The LA City Council has given up.
This is how much they've given up.
I swear to God,
they considered giving you a tax credit
if you opened your house...
to a homeless person.
I swear to God, they were like,
"You got a house."
"What are we even talking about?"
"You hate taxes, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, meet your son."
"He's 38 years old,
he loves fentanyl."
"Hug your boy."
"Hug your boy."
"Now."
I don't have any friends in LA.
I'm just friends with RFK and his wife.
- [crowd cheering]
- And that's all I need. That's all I need.
Yeah. They're amazing.
His wife Cheryl is the actress
from Curb Your Enthusiasm.
She's so sweet and optimistic
and, you know,
he's less optimistic
'cause the CIA killed his whole family.
He's a little bit of a downer, you know?
They killed everyone he ever met.
They'd shoot his dog in the head
and then look at him and go,
"Man, it sucks your dog drowned."
But I like going to dinner with them
'cause they're an odd couple.
They're a fun couple,
they're an odd couple.
You know, you'll go to dinner with them,
and she's like, "I love strawberries."
And he's like,"There's a bomb in the car."
[raspily] "Cheryl, don't get in the car."
"They're gonna melt the skin
off your face, Cheryl."
"You're gonna die a horrible death."
"Like everyone I've ever met. Cheryl!"
[crowd whooping, cheering]
They like... This is a true story.
When Trump nominated him,
I was in Palm Beach,
and I had brunch with him and her
at Dr. Oz's house.
It's fun. You know, and I'm sitting there,
and he goes, "Play what he did."
"It's fun." And I'm like...
And...
I'm like, "We don't... No."
It's... you know.
"It's fine. We don't..." And then he
plays my impression of him.
At the table.
For everyone.
And everyone's laughing,
and he's like, "It's good!"
And I was like,
"This guy's kind of cool, you know?"
That's a cool thing to... you know?
He's going to ban
the Cheesy Gordita Crunch,
and then I'm going to have to march.
Like, fat people don't know what's coming.
Like, he's serious.
He's deadly serious about what...
I mean, he's going after it all.
You're going to pull up
to Whataburger one day at 1:00 a.m.
You're going to go, "Can I have
a sweet and spicy bacon burger?"
[raspily] "No."
[regular voice] "Can I have
a honey butter chicken biscuit?"
[raspily] "It's 1:00 a.m."
"Can I have a chocolate shake?"
[raspily] "They killed my family."
"They killed my whole family."
[crowd laughing, cheering]
I love him. I love him. I love him.
I don't know how to fix the Middle East.
I thought about it on the way here.
But I have nothing. I don't.
I don't, but you got to have an opinion
no matter your level of education.
It's your job. You're an American.
I have friends call me from Long Island.
They go, "I don't know
what's going on over there,
but here's what I think."
And I'm like, "Sure, you're a DJ,
what are we going to do?"
"What..."
"You sell Molly
in an Applebee's parking lot."
"What do you..."
"What do you think we should..."
Like, when this whole thing happened,
when Hamas, you know,
paraglided into Israel,
which was fucked-up,
but it was new.
Well, it was.
I thought it was
The Amazing Race. I had...
I had no idea what it was.
True story, a day after that,
I was in Malibu, California,
and there was a guy
paragliding on the beach.
And I was like, "Sir,
is this the time?"
"Feels insensitive."
And the thing is,
it's like you got to have
an opinion.
I think it's good to have a fake opinion.
You get in,
you get passionate, you get out.
In,
you rev up, you get out.
So as soon as that happened,
I was going into places.
I was like, "That's fucked-up!"
"These people have been suffering
for thousands of years."
And they're like,
"Which ones?" And I'm like, "Ah!'
I spend a lot of time in LA,
and the problem is in LA,
there are a lot of Jews that look Muslim
and Muslims that look Jewish.
And it's a lot of, like...
And you'll sit down for lunch
at a bar with these guys,
you know, and they're tan,
and they got a beard.
Could go either way.
And they're all eating hummus.
No help there.
And then it's just me.
And they look at me, they're like,
"What's going on over there is fucked-up."
I'm like, "Yes."
"But tell me why."
And they're like,
"The violence." I go, "Sure."
"But specifically."
"Which violence is the one?
'Cause I agree with you."
"I'm... Who do we hate?"
"I'm in. You tell..."
"You tell me who we hate.
I'll do it. I'm with you."
"Kill them all."
"I'm with... Who is all?"
"I... Yes, kill. Kill..."
"Kill them all, agreed."
"I'm... Sure, but who is all?"
"The tartare is nice."
"All. All of..."
"Are we killing them in one place?"
"Are they spread out?
That'll help. Just tell me..."
"Tell me..."
"Give me a hint. Anything?"
"What kind of hat and scarf combo?"
"Do they... I don't know, what is it?"
[laughing nervously]
I think we should send Meghan Markle
and that lizard she married to Gaza.
- Let them figure it out.
- [scattered cheering]
They want to be diplomats,
let them figure it out.
They left a castle
because people were mean.
What a fucking millennial move that was.
You never leave a castle,
you stupid cunts.
You never leave a cast...
People die to get in.
You don't leave. I'm a gay person,
I don't give a fuck
how homophobic the Royal Family is.
If I lived in their castle,
I would never leave.
They could open my door every morning,
throw piss on my face.
Go, "Good morning, faggot."
I'd go, "Hello."
What?
I'd be riding a horse.
They'd be like, "Look at the faggot."
"What's for dinner?"
"I love you, Mom and Dad."
Every family has problems. Every one.
They have a three-hour documentary
on Netflix about how hard it is
to live in a castle.
Three hours.
Not one.
Three.
I want to show that
three-hour documentary
to a kid from Syria
with his arm blown off.
I want to say, "Come here, buddy.
Take a look at a real victim, okay?"
"And you're going to work tonight too.
Don't think you're getting out of work."
"Look at how sad she is when Beyonc
is texting her. Look how sad."
"What happened to you? You were just
playing soccer, and all you saw was fire?"
"Yeah."
"Anyway, she's very sad here."
"She lives in Montecito now.
That's by the ocean."
"That's the blue behind her
as she's crying. The ocean."
"The Pacific Ocean. She's sad."
- You guys dating a long time?
- [woman] This is my little brother.
This is your little brother. Okay. Well...
There's many people here
that are very aroused.
[crowd laughing]
Good for you. You guys get along.
A lot of siblings don't like each other.
- No, we're good.
- We're besties.
You're besties. Okay, it's weird now.
No, it's good.
Thank you for coming. This is probably
his idea, but thank you for, you know...
He'll go to something you like.
He'll go to one of your podcasts.
The female podcasts are so aggressive,
like the titles of the female podcasts.
Like, they're all like,
Feed Me, Faggot! You're like...
It's like, Avocado In My Cunt,
you're like, "Why is this so
insane?"
Why is it so intense?
Do you work?
- Yeah.
- What do you do?
I'm a flight instructor.
You ever get nervous in a plane?
Not really.
I don't fly if it's bad weather.
You don't fly if it's bad weather?
But it happens. It comes out of nowhere.
Have you been in a plane?
[crowd laughing]
- Do you work? Go to school?
- [man] I work for the Sheriff's Office.
Sheriff's Office. Very, very cool.
[man 2] Boo.
This criminal is angry.
This guy is really mad.
"Boo!"
"Boo!"
"She's my wife. I can hit her if I want."
"Boo!"
The government's lied about so much shit.
You just can't trust anything.
Like, I remember when Trump got shot,
and they were like, "Oh!"
Well, first of all,
no one even talks about that anymore.
Like, nobody even remembers that.
That Secret Service bitch
seemed... a bit guilty.
I know she was guilty
because she had the same face that I make
when somebody asks
if I'm still on the ketogenic diet.
She was like...
Then they were like, "We couldn't put a
sniper on that roof 'cause it was sloped."
Here's how not sloped that roof was.
They shot that guy, he died,
and his body didn't roll off the roof.
I've taken bong hits on acid
on roofs with more of a pitch
than that roof.
That's like such an insane thing
to say, you know?
You can't trust anything anymore.
We're supposed to be afraid of China.
That's a big thing.
We're supposed to be terrified
of China. I'm not.
My godson is Chinese.
He's three years old, he's adorable.
He does not recognize
the sovereignty of Taiwan.
That's his politics.
He believes in "One China."
That's his thing.
And his parents bring him to my house,
and I go, "Make the one."
"One China." It's cute.
You know, "Make the one."
It's fun with your uncle, you know?
"Make the one."
"One China, that's your belief.
One China."
And then a few days later, I swear to God,
his school was doing class photos.
This was the first class photo
he'd ever taken,
and he's standing dead center
in the first row
of all the kids like this...
And the teacher called their house.
I happened to be over.
She's like, "He's so cute.
Why does he do that one?"
"Is it like 'school's number one'?"
And I grabbed the phone.
I said, "He's a Chinese nationalist."
"He believes in the invasion
and occupation of Taiwan."
"Why don't you ask him about his politics,
you stupid bitch?"
"He's the future of this country.
Not you."
"He's the leader. Not you."
"You work for him."
He's actually Filipino, but we lie.
[laughing, cheering]
It's so funny what we fight about
in America. We're gonna ban TikTok.
Or we're not.
I don't know.
I don't care how you feel about that.
At a certain age, you gotta shut up.
Like, I'm 39 years old
and I have friends that are still...
They're like, "They can't ban TikTok!"
I'm like, "Hey, Ralph,
sit down."
"Sit this out."
"They can't ban that child's dancing app."
"Ralph."
"This looks terrible. Please, stop."
"Where am I going to watch
children dance?"
"All right, hey, enough!"
But the reason
the government gives is amazing.
They're like, "We got to ban TikTok
because China is spying on you."
I was like, "Okay."
"But you were also
spying on us."
They're like, "Yeah, but they're doing it
in a Chinese way."
"We're just goofing around."
"They're being Chinese about it."
"We're blowing off steam at work.
They're Chinese."
"Do you see the difference?"
"Not really, no, I..."
I hope China is spying on us with TikTok.
I hope they spent billions of dollars
to get that app on everybody's phone
so they could harvest
all the intelligence.
The vital,
meaningful intelligence on TikTok.
I hope they have to watch
every TikTok video ever made.
I hope the Chinese military,
there's just a general,
in a room, expressionless,
watching every Xannied-out housewife like...
Every Waffle House brawl,
people beating the shit
out of each other with hash browns.
He's just sitting there, no expression.
We're the only country
that kills at breakfast, we're...
We're the only country where people
put down a glass of orange juice and go,
"Fuck it, let's go. Let's go right now."
"I'll kill you right now
in front of my daughter
who's eating French toast."
"I'll kill you."
"It's 10:00 a.m."
I'm not saying TikTok is great.
There's problems.
There's a girl on TikTok right now
identifying as a hawk.
I don't care what your politics are,
that's not ideal.
That some of our children
think they're birds, that's...
not the goal.
But that's not her fault.
That's her parents.
If your daughter thinks she's a hawk,
that is not her.
That is on you.
On you.
That is a girl that's never been told,
"Come here, honey. Come here.
Come here. Honey, get over here."
"Come here. Shut the fuck up."
She's never been
pushed down the stairs, like,
"Fly!"
"See? You can't.
You're a liar and a whore."
"And you wasted everybody's time."
"Go to the vet with a broken arm
and tell him you're a hawk,
you fucking narcissist."
"You're a narcissist and a liar,
and we're sick of your shit."
"You're not a hawk! You're nothing."
"You're a communications major
at a liberal arts school that I pay for!"
"I have a drinking problem!"
"I can't deal with your shit!"
"You're nothing!
You don't fly, you don't go anywhere!"
"You don't get your own fucking food,
you're a liar, you fucked this family up!"
[crowd laughing, cheering]
She doesn't have... She has, like,
white family that go, "I love hawks."
"I love bird..."
Like, you know, you don't need that.
You know?
You can't talk to kids anymore
the way I was talked to.
It just doesn't work.
Can't do it.
And, listen, is it good that kids
are all about their mental health?
Yes.
They're right.
Is it annoying?
Yes.
Do we hate them?
Yes.
All of that is true,
but they're correct.
Like, I have friends
whose kids go up to them and they go,
"I have mental problems,
and I need to deal with this."
And my friends go, "Good for you."
"I'm here if you need me."
I could have never had that conversation.
If I went to my father and I was like,
"Dad, I have mental problems."
He'd go, "Shut the fuck up."
"You and your mother have ruined my life."
"You're both fat,
and our house is disgusting."
"It's always a mess when I get home."
"I get in my car,
and I drive to a job I hate
so I can buy food
for you and your fat mother."
"I come back to this home
and it's filthy every night."
"It's disgusting, and I hate myself,
and I want to kill myself,
and I want to kill you and your mother."
"You're fat, and I hate you."
"And I hate my life,
and I hope we all die."
And I would go, "Thanks a lot, Dad."
And he'd go,
"Any time you need to talk, I'm here."
"I love you, son."
"I love you too.
Thank you. I appreciate that."
[crowd laughing, cheering]
Lot of mental illness
now in America. There's tons.
You know?
A lot of it.
If you don't have a mental illness,
get one.
Get one.
And people will tell you now
how fucked-up they are.
People just unload on you.
People used to have shame,
and what that meant
was that they would hide things
about themself that were unflattering.
That's shame.
"I don't want to tell you something
about me that makes me look bad."
That was a thing
for a very long time.
That is no longer a thing.
And some of that
should come back.
Because now you go to lunch with somebody
and you're like, "Want to split wings?"
They're like,
"I have borderline personality disorder."
You're like, "All right, Buffalo?"
"Barbecue?"
"What... what are you..."
My friend thinks he has that,
borderline personality disorder.
He told me that.
He goes, "I have borderline."
I go, "What does that mean?"
He goes, "It means I ruin
every relationship in my life."
I'm like, "Oh, you're a piece of shit."
"What is the test for that?
How does that get determined?"
And then there's bipolar,
and bipolar is like the sexy one
'cause it's a little mysterious.
You know?
Bipolar is like a little, you know...
Oh...
[moaning]
"I'm a bipolar little whore."
"Or I'm not."
My mother was an OG.
She was a schizophrenic.
She didn't diagnose herself
on LinkedIn like these faggot kids.
My mother was a real psychopath,
and we locked her up.
That's what you do with psychos,
you put them in a cell.
You say "You want to go out to eat?"
and then you visit them once a year.
[Tim laughs]
You know how I know schizophrenia is real?
Nobody's pretending to have that.
Nobody's getting out of work like that.
Nobody's calling up and they're like,
"Hey, I can't come in..."
[exclaiming]
They're like,
"Oh, you do sound bad. Take the day."
"Take the day."
I know anxiety and depression are bad.
I get it. I've had them.
I know they're bad.
But you know you have them.
You'll tell people.
You'll go, "I'm depressed."
And they go, "That sucks."
If you went up to my mother
and you were like,
"Patty, you're a schizophrenic."
She'd go, "Oh, really?"
"Just 'cause they're poisoning my food?"
"Just 'cause Koreans are following me?"
That was her thing. I don't know why.
I walked into my house once.
I was really high. I was 15 years old.
I walked in and she goes, "Hey!"
I go, "Yeah!"
She goes, "Koreans are following me,
but don't worry."
"They're protecting me."
And I went, "Good shit."
That's how I knew that gymnast
at the Olympics was full of shit.
When she was like,
"I can't compete. I have mental problems."
And I'm like, "That's not how it works."
"You don't have enough mental problems.
I know real lunatics,
and real lunatics...
compete."
If you went to
my mother's mental institution,
and were like, "Patty, you're going
to the Olympics," she'd go,
"Yes, I am."
And we'd put her fat ass in a wheelchair
and we'd roll her onto the mat.
And we'd go, "What's your event?"
And she'd go, "Obama's a Muslim."
We go, "Uh...'
She...
She's been preparing decades
to represent her country
in that event.
Why have sports at the Olympics
if you can get out of it
for having a bad day? Fuck it.
Give people medals
based on how fucked-up their lives are.
It'll take a half-hour.
"Oh, you were molested. Bronze."
"You were molested
by your father. Silver."
"You molested your father."
"Gold."
[crowd laughing, cheering]
Puff Daddy is having
a difficult holiday season.
He is.
Regardless of how we... You know.
But I get it. I get that's a good reason
to cancel somebody.
You know? He's a demon.
Fuck him. Throw him in jail.
There's people that got canceled
for doing nothing wrong.
What the fuck did Lizzo do?
Lizzo got canceled for what?
She got canceled by her own people.
Her own backup fats
tried to cancel their mother.
These ungrateful piglets
tried to cancel their mother.
She gave them life.
She found those bitches at Chick-fil-A,
and in gas stations, having milkshakes.
You can't be a fat backup dancer.
That's not even a job.
I can't stand behind Taylor Swift, like...
I'd be tased by the government,
and these fat bitches
had the one job they'd ever get.
How do you quit that job?
How hard could those routines have been?
Half of them are on oxygen, just like...
[gasping]
Lizzo had a show to find these women
called Lizzo, Here Come The Big Girls.
Which sounds like a threat.
It sounds like something
you hear on a police scanner.
You know, "Here come the big girls.
Get on the horse."
"Don't fuck around,
these are the big girls."
"Get on the horse, now."
And the premise of the show
was that morbidly obese women
who'd always dreamed
of being backup dancers.
But they've been denied that
by the Illuminati.
And gravity. Let's...
The original conspiracy
to keep a big bitch down, like,
let's be honest.
And Lizzo abused them a little bit.
She fucked them up a little bit.
She was mean, she was rude.
So what?
A hot bitch making fun of fat chicks?
Not cool.
Lizzo doing it?
Hilarious.
The funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
If you're a fat bitch and turn around
to your backup dancers,
a bunch of fatty boom baddies,
you turn around and go,
"Get it together, you fat slobs."
And they're all just like,
[mouthing] "What the fuck?"
"Fuck you, fat bitch, I'll fucking..."
They're suing her in a court,
like in a real court.
Not a candy court, like a real...
Not a chocolate court, like...
And the judge is gonna walk in,
he's gonna look at Lizzo and her
backup dancers and go, "Ladies,
I can't tell any of you apart."
"So I'm giving you all
a gift certificate to Dairy Queen."
"Because you're all Dairy Queens."
"And I love you."
You know?
That's all there is to do
in that situation, you know?
Can't do anything else.
Celebrities, a lot of them are using
Ozempic. Great, just don't lie about it.
Khlo Kardashian had the nerve to say...
She's like, "I got a trainer."
Bitch, you have a new head.
You didn't get a trainer,
you got a necromancer.
Or you went into the woods,
you dug up the body
of an Indigenous child,
you sucked out its soul.
That's sorcery,
that's not sit-ups, that's fine.
But don't lie, don't lie about what it is.
Comedy takes you to interesting places.
I was in Finland
recently, and the woman who booked me
came up to me and she said,
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
I said, "Yeah."
She goes, "Do you have
any school shooting material?"
And I was like, "Yes."
And she said, "Well, you can't do it
today." And I said, "Why?"
She said, "We just had a school shooting."
I said, "I'm really sorry,
how many kids died?"
She said, "One."
I said,
"Fuck you."
"I'm from the United States of America,
you insensitive bitch."
"One dead kid is a good day."
One dead kid
wouldn't get you off the phone.
If you were on the phone
and your kid came in and said,
"There was a shooting, one kid died,"
you'd go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where does the cruise go?"
[laughing, whooping]
[cheering]
And the school shooting story I had,
it was a real story, it was a false alarm.
So you don't have to be upset.
My friend called me
and her 15-year-old son was in school.
He sent her a text.
He said, "Mom, there's an active shooter
and I'm hiding."
"And if anything happens,
I want you and Dad to know
that I love you."
Which is, like,
a terrible text to get, but sweet.
Because of the "I love you" at the end.
I never would have sent that text
at 14-years-old to my parents.
I'd have been like, "Mom and Dad,
there's an active shooter, I'm hiding."
"And if anything happens, let's be honest,
none of us really put in the effort here."
"There's an active shooter
at this public school
you send me to for free."
"What were the chances? Pretty good."
[laughs]
"Don't let that haunt you at the funeral
if you can afford one,
you lazy piece of shit."
"By the way,
these texts are going out green."
"Are you even on Wi-Fi, you scumbag?"
This Rainey Street killer
is something, huh?
Just throwing people in the lake.
What do you think about that, ma'am?
[woman] I have a husband
in the Parks and Rec.
Okay. You have a husband
who works in the Parks and Rec.
[woman] And his insight is that--
His insight.
- [woman] There's too many drunk people.
- There's way too many drunk people.
Well, here's the thing, we know
there's way too many drunk people.
We also now know
that your husband is the killer.
[crowd laughing, applauding]
She's like, "There's so many drunk people,
my husband literally comes home
with their blood all over his body."
"Every night, he comes home
bloody and exhausted."
"He's got dirt all over him."
I'm like, "Were you swimming in a lake?"
He's like,
"I was trying to save a drunk guy...
who was drowning and he bit me in the neck
as I was saving him
and he clawed me, it's crazy."
I hope it's true. You need a killer.
You need a killer.
Especially Austin, there's too many
confident tech people... jogging.
It's like...
A few of them should think it's at least
a possibility, you know what I mean?
Like, it's good to have that.
It's a tough way to die, though.
In the middle of the lake, going down.
Surrounded by real estate
you can't afford.
It's just a final scroll on Zillow.
You know,
"God, that's a beautiful backyard--"
[gurgling]
You're from Texas? You got the shirt.
- Grew up here?
- [man] Yeah.
- How long?
- Uh, 26 years.
Twenty-six years, good for you.
- What town did you grow up in?
- Austin and Fort Worth.
Broken home?
Yeah.
[crowd laughing]
Me too. You know?
"A little Austin, a little Fort Worth."
I'm like, "And a lot of tears."
- This is a lovely woman. You guys dating?
- Yes.
Well, you guys are really cute.
You're a cute couple. I hope it works.
- Do you guys... What do you do?
- [woman] I work in tech.
Okay, what about you?
- Fintech.
- [Tim] Fintech.
You're both disgusting.
I'd rather this couple of incestuous...
This woman
who pretends she flies, and then
this fucking, you know,
corrections officer
who's probably running
fight clubs in a jail.
I mean, who cares if they have sex
and they're related, it doesn't matter.
You see these tech pieces of shit?
They look like human beings.
You want to like them, like, "Oh, your
parents are divorced, so are mine."
"You're probably cool."
Then she's like, "I'm in tech."
He's like, "I'm in fintech."
You go, "Oh, fuck off."
This fucker, you know,
came up with Venmo or something.
You used to be able to get out of shit.
Used to be able to go, "Yeah, I don't..."
Now they're like, "Well, you Venmo me."
You're like... [sighs]
"Yeah, all right,
I guess we'll do that, but...
we could also, you know,
never see each other, and..."
We fight about the trans kid issue a lot.
That's a big issue, huh?
All the trans children.
I don't care, I don't have any trans kids,
it's 'cause I don't have any kids.
That's math.
But if I found a kid and was
gonna raise him, if I had a son
and he was like, "Dad, I'm trans."
I'd be like, "Good. Great. Fine."
"You want a pussy? Fine."
"But we're getting it tonight!"
"Shit or get off the pot."
"You want a pussy?
You'll wake up with a pussy."
"Get in the car! Get in the car!"
And I'll spend good money
on my son's pussy.
I'll spend good money on my son's pussy.
I'm not going to take him to Mexico,
get him a cheap pussy, it gets infected,
he gets gangrene, he gets a blood clot,
it goes to his head, he has a stroke.
People go, "What happened to your son?"
I'm like, "Sit. It's a story."
I'm gonna get him an expensive pussy,
but I'm gonna make him
show it to people at Christmas.
I'm gonna go, "Take it out, right now."
"Look at his pussy, Ma.
$30,000, smell it."
"Smell his pussy.
Smell your grandson's pussy. 30 grand."
"Do not be shy."
"Your rich faggot father
bought you a pussy."
"And it's Christmas, it's God's birthday,
and he wants to see your pussy too."
"Show your pussy to God right now."
"Show your new pussy to God."
[crowd cheering]
That joke will not be for everyone.
I did that
at a fundraiser the other night.
The woman who booked me
was like, "What's wrong with you?"
I said, "Listen, we're going to be
the first generation of people
to buy our children genitals."
"And then we're gonna have to take them
back 'cause they don't appreciate it."
"Oh, you got a C in math?"
"Give me your cock."
"Give me your cock, young lady."
"I'm not playing around with you.
It's going in the drawer,
next to your sister-brother's tits.
Give me your cock."
"No daughter of mine is going to get
a C in math and keep her cock."
"Give me your cock right now."
"Listen to me. I'm your mother."
And I'll look just like this.
"I'm your mother!"
Good night, everybody. Thank you.
[crowd cheering]
Thank you so much.
You guys are so much fun.
Thank you to Joe Rogan.
Thank you, Austin, we love you guys.
Do not get in a plane with her.
Thank you so much.
I like incest.
Thank you so much. Give it up for incest.
Kill the tech people outside.
Kill them if you see them. Kill them.
Thank you. Good night!
[country rock music playing]
["Do It Again" by Jay Putty playing]
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Tim Dillon!
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Thank you so much. Austin, how are you?
Good? Are you feeling good?
Good.
Who gives a fuck?
[crowd laughing]
I like Austin because it's just
the right amount of homeless people.
LA has too many.
Some cities don't have enough.
Austin has the Goldilocks
"just right" amount of homeless people.
Austin has just enough homeless people
to change the course of a morning walk.
No.
When I grew up,
not everybody was homeless.
Everyone's homeless now.
It's... I don't know what happened.
When I grew up, homelessness
was, like, three or four people,
and they were fun.
They were, like, fun.
Remember when homeless people were fun?
You would throw them nickels.
They would do a jig, like...
Or it was that pigeon bitch.
From the movie, who looked like me.
Remember her?
But now homeless people,
something's going on with the home...
Like, the homeless are not doing well.
There's a lot of, like...
Like...
People are like,
"What's the solution?" I'm like,
"Oh, ho! I don't even
know what the problem is."
I have no idea what's going on.
They're like,
"It's a cost of living issue."
Wait, what?
"Yeah, it's the interest rates."
"What are you talking about?"
"Yeah, it's the interest rates.
That's why."
"He needs a job."
Uh... How would that even work?
"Welcome to Geico."
[laughs]
"Meet your claims rep, I guess?"
LA's got a whole area of the city
called Skid Row.
And you've all heard of it,
and it's just tents.
That's it. It's just all homeless people.
And it comes in handy.
A friend of mine and his wife came in,
they'd never been to California,
they're from Nashville.
It was Halloween. She was so excited.
His wife was like, "Hey, y'all,
are there any fun haunted hayrides?"
I said, "Get in the car."
People were lunging at the car.
[snarling]
She's like, "It feels like we could die."
I'm like, "We could definitely die."
The LA City Council has given up.
This is how much they've given up.
I swear to God,
they considered giving you a tax credit
if you opened your house...
to a homeless person.
I swear to God, they were like,
"You got a house."
"What are we even talking about?"
"You hate taxes, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, meet your son."
"He's 38 years old,
he loves fentanyl."
"Hug your boy."
"Hug your boy."
"Now."
I don't have any friends in LA.
I'm just friends with RFK and his wife.
- [crowd cheering]
- And that's all I need. That's all I need.
Yeah. They're amazing.
His wife Cheryl is the actress
from Curb Your Enthusiasm.
She's so sweet and optimistic
and, you know,
he's less optimistic
'cause the CIA killed his whole family.
He's a little bit of a downer, you know?
They killed everyone he ever met.
They'd shoot his dog in the head
and then look at him and go,
"Man, it sucks your dog drowned."
But I like going to dinner with them
'cause they're an odd couple.
They're a fun couple,
they're an odd couple.
You know, you'll go to dinner with them,
and she's like, "I love strawberries."
And he's like,"There's a bomb in the car."
[raspily] "Cheryl, don't get in the car."
"They're gonna melt the skin
off your face, Cheryl."
"You're gonna die a horrible death."
"Like everyone I've ever met. Cheryl!"
[crowd whooping, cheering]
They like... This is a true story.
When Trump nominated him,
I was in Palm Beach,
and I had brunch with him and her
at Dr. Oz's house.
It's fun. You know, and I'm sitting there,
and he goes, "Play what he did."
"It's fun." And I'm like...
And...
I'm like, "We don't... No."
It's... you know.
"It's fine. We don't..." And then he
plays my impression of him.
At the table.
For everyone.
And everyone's laughing,
and he's like, "It's good!"
And I was like,
"This guy's kind of cool, you know?"
That's a cool thing to... you know?
He's going to ban
the Cheesy Gordita Crunch,
and then I'm going to have to march.
Like, fat people don't know what's coming.
Like, he's serious.
He's deadly serious about what...
I mean, he's going after it all.
You're going to pull up
to Whataburger one day at 1:00 a.m.
You're going to go, "Can I have
a sweet and spicy bacon burger?"
[raspily] "No."
[regular voice] "Can I have
a honey butter chicken biscuit?"
[raspily] "It's 1:00 a.m."
"Can I have a chocolate shake?"
[raspily] "They killed my family."
"They killed my whole family."
[crowd laughing, cheering]
I love him. I love him. I love him.
I don't know how to fix the Middle East.
I thought about it on the way here.
But I have nothing. I don't.
I don't, but you got to have an opinion
no matter your level of education.
It's your job. You're an American.
I have friends call me from Long Island.
They go, "I don't know
what's going on over there,
but here's what I think."
And I'm like, "Sure, you're a DJ,
what are we going to do?"
"What..."
"You sell Molly
in an Applebee's parking lot."
"What do you..."
"What do you think we should..."
Like, when this whole thing happened,
when Hamas, you know,
paraglided into Israel,
which was fucked-up,
but it was new.
Well, it was.
I thought it was
The Amazing Race. I had...
I had no idea what it was.
True story, a day after that,
I was in Malibu, California,
and there was a guy
paragliding on the beach.
And I was like, "Sir,
is this the time?"
"Feels insensitive."
And the thing is,
it's like you got to have
an opinion.
I think it's good to have a fake opinion.
You get in,
you get passionate, you get out.
In,
you rev up, you get out.
So as soon as that happened,
I was going into places.
I was like, "That's fucked-up!"
"These people have been suffering
for thousands of years."
And they're like,
"Which ones?" And I'm like, "Ah!'
I spend a lot of time in LA,
and the problem is in LA,
there are a lot of Jews that look Muslim
and Muslims that look Jewish.
And it's a lot of, like...
And you'll sit down for lunch
at a bar with these guys,
you know, and they're tan,
and they got a beard.
Could go either way.
And they're all eating hummus.
No help there.
And then it's just me.
And they look at me, they're like,
"What's going on over there is fucked-up."
I'm like, "Yes."
"But tell me why."
And they're like,
"The violence." I go, "Sure."
"But specifically."
"Which violence is the one?
'Cause I agree with you."
"I'm... Who do we hate?"
"I'm in. You tell..."
"You tell me who we hate.
I'll do it. I'm with you."
"Kill them all."
"I'm with... Who is all?"
"I... Yes, kill. Kill..."
"Kill them all, agreed."
"I'm... Sure, but who is all?"
"The tartare is nice."
"All. All of..."
"Are we killing them in one place?"
"Are they spread out?
That'll help. Just tell me..."
"Tell me..."
"Give me a hint. Anything?"
"What kind of hat and scarf combo?"
"Do they... I don't know, what is it?"
[laughing nervously]
I think we should send Meghan Markle
and that lizard she married to Gaza.
- Let them figure it out.
- [scattered cheering]
They want to be diplomats,
let them figure it out.
They left a castle
because people were mean.
What a fucking millennial move that was.
You never leave a castle,
you stupid cunts.
You never leave a cast...
People die to get in.
You don't leave. I'm a gay person,
I don't give a fuck
how homophobic the Royal Family is.
If I lived in their castle,
I would never leave.
They could open my door every morning,
throw piss on my face.
Go, "Good morning, faggot."
I'd go, "Hello."
What?
I'd be riding a horse.
They'd be like, "Look at the faggot."
"What's for dinner?"
"I love you, Mom and Dad."
Every family has problems. Every one.
They have a three-hour documentary
on Netflix about how hard it is
to live in a castle.
Three hours.
Not one.
Three.
I want to show that
three-hour documentary
to a kid from Syria
with his arm blown off.
I want to say, "Come here, buddy.
Take a look at a real victim, okay?"
"And you're going to work tonight too.
Don't think you're getting out of work."
"Look at how sad she is when Beyonc
is texting her. Look how sad."
"What happened to you? You were just
playing soccer, and all you saw was fire?"
"Yeah."
"Anyway, she's very sad here."
"She lives in Montecito now.
That's by the ocean."
"That's the blue behind her
as she's crying. The ocean."
"The Pacific Ocean. She's sad."
- You guys dating a long time?
- [woman] This is my little brother.
This is your little brother. Okay. Well...
There's many people here
that are very aroused.
[crowd laughing]
Good for you. You guys get along.
A lot of siblings don't like each other.
- No, we're good.
- We're besties.
You're besties. Okay, it's weird now.
No, it's good.
Thank you for coming. This is probably
his idea, but thank you for, you know...
He'll go to something you like.
He'll go to one of your podcasts.
The female podcasts are so aggressive,
like the titles of the female podcasts.
Like, they're all like,
Feed Me, Faggot! You're like...
It's like, Avocado In My Cunt,
you're like, "Why is this so
insane?"
Why is it so intense?
Do you work?
- Yeah.
- What do you do?
I'm a flight instructor.
You ever get nervous in a plane?
Not really.
I don't fly if it's bad weather.
You don't fly if it's bad weather?
But it happens. It comes out of nowhere.
Have you been in a plane?
[crowd laughing]
- Do you work? Go to school?
- [man] I work for the Sheriff's Office.
Sheriff's Office. Very, very cool.
[man 2] Boo.
This criminal is angry.
This guy is really mad.
"Boo!"
"Boo!"
"She's my wife. I can hit her if I want."
"Boo!"
The government's lied about so much shit.
You just can't trust anything.
Like, I remember when Trump got shot,
and they were like, "Oh!"
Well, first of all,
no one even talks about that anymore.
Like, nobody even remembers that.
That Secret Service bitch
seemed... a bit guilty.
I know she was guilty
because she had the same face that I make
when somebody asks
if I'm still on the ketogenic diet.
She was like...
Then they were like, "We couldn't put a
sniper on that roof 'cause it was sloped."
Here's how not sloped that roof was.
They shot that guy, he died,
and his body didn't roll off the roof.
I've taken bong hits on acid
on roofs with more of a pitch
than that roof.
That's like such an insane thing
to say, you know?
You can't trust anything anymore.
We're supposed to be afraid of China.
That's a big thing.
We're supposed to be terrified
of China. I'm not.
My godson is Chinese.
He's three years old, he's adorable.
He does not recognize
the sovereignty of Taiwan.
That's his politics.
He believes in "One China."
That's his thing.
And his parents bring him to my house,
and I go, "Make the one."
"One China." It's cute.
You know, "Make the one."
It's fun with your uncle, you know?
"Make the one."
"One China, that's your belief.
One China."
And then a few days later, I swear to God,
his school was doing class photos.
This was the first class photo
he'd ever taken,
and he's standing dead center
in the first row
of all the kids like this...
And the teacher called their house.
I happened to be over.
She's like, "He's so cute.
Why does he do that one?"
"Is it like 'school's number one'?"
And I grabbed the phone.
I said, "He's a Chinese nationalist."
"He believes in the invasion
and occupation of Taiwan."
"Why don't you ask him about his politics,
you stupid bitch?"
"He's the future of this country.
Not you."
"He's the leader. Not you."
"You work for him."
He's actually Filipino, but we lie.
[laughing, cheering]
It's so funny what we fight about
in America. We're gonna ban TikTok.
Or we're not.
I don't know.
I don't care how you feel about that.
At a certain age, you gotta shut up.
Like, I'm 39 years old
and I have friends that are still...
They're like, "They can't ban TikTok!"
I'm like, "Hey, Ralph,
sit down."
"Sit this out."
"They can't ban that child's dancing app."
"Ralph."
"This looks terrible. Please, stop."
"Where am I going to watch
children dance?"
"All right, hey, enough!"
But the reason
the government gives is amazing.
They're like, "We got to ban TikTok
because China is spying on you."
I was like, "Okay."
"But you were also
spying on us."
They're like, "Yeah, but they're doing it
in a Chinese way."
"We're just goofing around."
"They're being Chinese about it."
"We're blowing off steam at work.
They're Chinese."
"Do you see the difference?"
"Not really, no, I..."
I hope China is spying on us with TikTok.
I hope they spent billions of dollars
to get that app on everybody's phone
so they could harvest
all the intelligence.
The vital,
meaningful intelligence on TikTok.
I hope they have to watch
every TikTok video ever made.
I hope the Chinese military,
there's just a general,
in a room, expressionless,
watching every Xannied-out housewife like...
Every Waffle House brawl,
people beating the shit
out of each other with hash browns.
He's just sitting there, no expression.
We're the only country
that kills at breakfast, we're...
We're the only country where people
put down a glass of orange juice and go,
"Fuck it, let's go. Let's go right now."
"I'll kill you right now
in front of my daughter
who's eating French toast."
"I'll kill you."
"It's 10:00 a.m."
I'm not saying TikTok is great.
There's problems.
There's a girl on TikTok right now
identifying as a hawk.
I don't care what your politics are,
that's not ideal.
That some of our children
think they're birds, that's...
not the goal.
But that's not her fault.
That's her parents.
If your daughter thinks she's a hawk,
that is not her.
That is on you.
On you.
That is a girl that's never been told,
"Come here, honey. Come here.
Come here. Honey, get over here."
"Come here. Shut the fuck up."
She's never been
pushed down the stairs, like,
"Fly!"
"See? You can't.
You're a liar and a whore."
"And you wasted everybody's time."
"Go to the vet with a broken arm
and tell him you're a hawk,
you fucking narcissist."
"You're a narcissist and a liar,
and we're sick of your shit."
"You're not a hawk! You're nothing."
"You're a communications major
at a liberal arts school that I pay for!"
"I have a drinking problem!"
"I can't deal with your shit!"
"You're nothing!
You don't fly, you don't go anywhere!"
"You don't get your own fucking food,
you're a liar, you fucked this family up!"
[crowd laughing, cheering]
She doesn't have... She has, like,
white family that go, "I love hawks."
"I love bird..."
Like, you know, you don't need that.
You know?
You can't talk to kids anymore
the way I was talked to.
It just doesn't work.
Can't do it.
And, listen, is it good that kids
are all about their mental health?
Yes.
They're right.
Is it annoying?
Yes.
Do we hate them?
Yes.
All of that is true,
but they're correct.
Like, I have friends
whose kids go up to them and they go,
"I have mental problems,
and I need to deal with this."
And my friends go, "Good for you."
"I'm here if you need me."
I could have never had that conversation.
If I went to my father and I was like,
"Dad, I have mental problems."
He'd go, "Shut the fuck up."
"You and your mother have ruined my life."
"You're both fat,
and our house is disgusting."
"It's always a mess when I get home."
"I get in my car,
and I drive to a job I hate
so I can buy food
for you and your fat mother."
"I come back to this home
and it's filthy every night."
"It's disgusting, and I hate myself,
and I want to kill myself,
and I want to kill you and your mother."
"You're fat, and I hate you."
"And I hate my life,
and I hope we all die."
And I would go, "Thanks a lot, Dad."
And he'd go,
"Any time you need to talk, I'm here."
"I love you, son."
"I love you too.
Thank you. I appreciate that."
[crowd laughing, cheering]
Lot of mental illness
now in America. There's tons.
You know?
A lot of it.
If you don't have a mental illness,
get one.
Get one.
And people will tell you now
how fucked-up they are.
People just unload on you.
People used to have shame,
and what that meant
was that they would hide things
about themself that were unflattering.
That's shame.
"I don't want to tell you something
about me that makes me look bad."
That was a thing
for a very long time.
That is no longer a thing.
And some of that
should come back.
Because now you go to lunch with somebody
and you're like, "Want to split wings?"
They're like,
"I have borderline personality disorder."
You're like, "All right, Buffalo?"
"Barbecue?"
"What... what are you..."
My friend thinks he has that,
borderline personality disorder.
He told me that.
He goes, "I have borderline."
I go, "What does that mean?"
He goes, "It means I ruin
every relationship in my life."
I'm like, "Oh, you're a piece of shit."
"What is the test for that?
How does that get determined?"
And then there's bipolar,
and bipolar is like the sexy one
'cause it's a little mysterious.
You know?
Bipolar is like a little, you know...
Oh...
[moaning]
"I'm a bipolar little whore."
"Or I'm not."
My mother was an OG.
She was a schizophrenic.
She didn't diagnose herself
on LinkedIn like these faggot kids.
My mother was a real psychopath,
and we locked her up.
That's what you do with psychos,
you put them in a cell.
You say "You want to go out to eat?"
and then you visit them once a year.
[Tim laughs]
You know how I know schizophrenia is real?
Nobody's pretending to have that.
Nobody's getting out of work like that.
Nobody's calling up and they're like,
"Hey, I can't come in..."
[exclaiming]
They're like,
"Oh, you do sound bad. Take the day."
"Take the day."
I know anxiety and depression are bad.
I get it. I've had them.
I know they're bad.
But you know you have them.
You'll tell people.
You'll go, "I'm depressed."
And they go, "That sucks."
If you went up to my mother
and you were like,
"Patty, you're a schizophrenic."
She'd go, "Oh, really?"
"Just 'cause they're poisoning my food?"
"Just 'cause Koreans are following me?"
That was her thing. I don't know why.
I walked into my house once.
I was really high. I was 15 years old.
I walked in and she goes, "Hey!"
I go, "Yeah!"
She goes, "Koreans are following me,
but don't worry."
"They're protecting me."
And I went, "Good shit."
That's how I knew that gymnast
at the Olympics was full of shit.
When she was like,
"I can't compete. I have mental problems."
And I'm like, "That's not how it works."
"You don't have enough mental problems.
I know real lunatics,
and real lunatics...
compete."
If you went to
my mother's mental institution,
and were like, "Patty, you're going
to the Olympics," she'd go,
"Yes, I am."
And we'd put her fat ass in a wheelchair
and we'd roll her onto the mat.
And we'd go, "What's your event?"
And she'd go, "Obama's a Muslim."
We go, "Uh...'
She...
She's been preparing decades
to represent her country
in that event.
Why have sports at the Olympics
if you can get out of it
for having a bad day? Fuck it.
Give people medals
based on how fucked-up their lives are.
It'll take a half-hour.
"Oh, you were molested. Bronze."
"You were molested
by your father. Silver."
"You molested your father."
"Gold."
[crowd laughing, cheering]
Puff Daddy is having
a difficult holiday season.
He is.
Regardless of how we... You know.
But I get it. I get that's a good reason
to cancel somebody.
You know? He's a demon.
Fuck him. Throw him in jail.
There's people that got canceled
for doing nothing wrong.
What the fuck did Lizzo do?
Lizzo got canceled for what?
She got canceled by her own people.
Her own backup fats
tried to cancel their mother.
These ungrateful piglets
tried to cancel their mother.
She gave them life.
She found those bitches at Chick-fil-A,
and in gas stations, having milkshakes.
You can't be a fat backup dancer.
That's not even a job.
I can't stand behind Taylor Swift, like...
I'd be tased by the government,
and these fat bitches
had the one job they'd ever get.
How do you quit that job?
How hard could those routines have been?
Half of them are on oxygen, just like...
[gasping]
Lizzo had a show to find these women
called Lizzo, Here Come The Big Girls.
Which sounds like a threat.
It sounds like something
you hear on a police scanner.
You know, "Here come the big girls.
Get on the horse."
"Don't fuck around,
these are the big girls."
"Get on the horse, now."
And the premise of the show
was that morbidly obese women
who'd always dreamed
of being backup dancers.
But they've been denied that
by the Illuminati.
And gravity. Let's...
The original conspiracy
to keep a big bitch down, like,
let's be honest.
And Lizzo abused them a little bit.
She fucked them up a little bit.
She was mean, she was rude.
So what?
A hot bitch making fun of fat chicks?
Not cool.
Lizzo doing it?
Hilarious.
The funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
If you're a fat bitch and turn around
to your backup dancers,
a bunch of fatty boom baddies,
you turn around and go,
"Get it together, you fat slobs."
And they're all just like,
[mouthing] "What the fuck?"
"Fuck you, fat bitch, I'll fucking..."
They're suing her in a court,
like in a real court.
Not a candy court, like a real...
Not a chocolate court, like...
And the judge is gonna walk in,
he's gonna look at Lizzo and her
backup dancers and go, "Ladies,
I can't tell any of you apart."
"So I'm giving you all
a gift certificate to Dairy Queen."
"Because you're all Dairy Queens."
"And I love you."
You know?
That's all there is to do
in that situation, you know?
Can't do anything else.
Celebrities, a lot of them are using
Ozempic. Great, just don't lie about it.
Khlo Kardashian had the nerve to say...
She's like, "I got a trainer."
Bitch, you have a new head.
You didn't get a trainer,
you got a necromancer.
Or you went into the woods,
you dug up the body
of an Indigenous child,
you sucked out its soul.
That's sorcery,
that's not sit-ups, that's fine.
But don't lie, don't lie about what it is.
Comedy takes you to interesting places.
I was in Finland
recently, and the woman who booked me
came up to me and she said,
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
I said, "Yeah."
She goes, "Do you have
any school shooting material?"
And I was like, "Yes."
And she said, "Well, you can't do it
today." And I said, "Why?"
She said, "We just had a school shooting."
I said, "I'm really sorry,
how many kids died?"
She said, "One."
I said,
"Fuck you."
"I'm from the United States of America,
you insensitive bitch."
"One dead kid is a good day."
One dead kid
wouldn't get you off the phone.
If you were on the phone
and your kid came in and said,
"There was a shooting, one kid died,"
you'd go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where does the cruise go?"
[laughing, whooping]
[cheering]
And the school shooting story I had,
it was a real story, it was a false alarm.
So you don't have to be upset.
My friend called me
and her 15-year-old son was in school.
He sent her a text.
He said, "Mom, there's an active shooter
and I'm hiding."
"And if anything happens,
I want you and Dad to know
that I love you."
Which is, like,
a terrible text to get, but sweet.
Because of the "I love you" at the end.
I never would have sent that text
at 14-years-old to my parents.
I'd have been like, "Mom and Dad,
there's an active shooter, I'm hiding."
"And if anything happens, let's be honest,
none of us really put in the effort here."
"There's an active shooter
at this public school
you send me to for free."
"What were the chances? Pretty good."
[laughs]
"Don't let that haunt you at the funeral
if you can afford one,
you lazy piece of shit."
"By the way,
these texts are going out green."
"Are you even on Wi-Fi, you scumbag?"
This Rainey Street killer
is something, huh?
Just throwing people in the lake.
What do you think about that, ma'am?
[woman] I have a husband
in the Parks and Rec.
Okay. You have a husband
who works in the Parks and Rec.
[woman] And his insight is that--
His insight.
- [woman] There's too many drunk people.
- There's way too many drunk people.
Well, here's the thing, we know
there's way too many drunk people.
We also now know
that your husband is the killer.
[crowd laughing, applauding]
She's like, "There's so many drunk people,
my husband literally comes home
with their blood all over his body."
"Every night, he comes home
bloody and exhausted."
"He's got dirt all over him."
I'm like, "Were you swimming in a lake?"
He's like,
"I was trying to save a drunk guy...
who was drowning and he bit me in the neck
as I was saving him
and he clawed me, it's crazy."
I hope it's true. You need a killer.
You need a killer.
Especially Austin, there's too many
confident tech people... jogging.
It's like...
A few of them should think it's at least
a possibility, you know what I mean?
Like, it's good to have that.
It's a tough way to die, though.
In the middle of the lake, going down.
Surrounded by real estate
you can't afford.
It's just a final scroll on Zillow.
You know,
"God, that's a beautiful backyard--"
[gurgling]
You're from Texas? You got the shirt.
- Grew up here?
- [man] Yeah.
- How long?
- Uh, 26 years.
Twenty-six years, good for you.
- What town did you grow up in?
- Austin and Fort Worth.
Broken home?
Yeah.
[crowd laughing]
Me too. You know?
"A little Austin, a little Fort Worth."
I'm like, "And a lot of tears."
- This is a lovely woman. You guys dating?
- Yes.
Well, you guys are really cute.
You're a cute couple. I hope it works.
- Do you guys... What do you do?
- [woman] I work in tech.
Okay, what about you?
- Fintech.
- [Tim] Fintech.
You're both disgusting.
I'd rather this couple of incestuous...
This woman
who pretends she flies, and then
this fucking, you know,
corrections officer
who's probably running
fight clubs in a jail.
I mean, who cares if they have sex
and they're related, it doesn't matter.
You see these tech pieces of shit?
They look like human beings.
You want to like them, like, "Oh, your
parents are divorced, so are mine."
"You're probably cool."
Then she's like, "I'm in tech."
He's like, "I'm in fintech."
You go, "Oh, fuck off."
This fucker, you know,
came up with Venmo or something.
You used to be able to get out of shit.
Used to be able to go, "Yeah, I don't..."
Now they're like, "Well, you Venmo me."
You're like... [sighs]
"Yeah, all right,
I guess we'll do that, but...
we could also, you know,
never see each other, and..."
We fight about the trans kid issue a lot.
That's a big issue, huh?
All the trans children.
I don't care, I don't have any trans kids,
it's 'cause I don't have any kids.
That's math.
But if I found a kid and was
gonna raise him, if I had a son
and he was like, "Dad, I'm trans."
I'd be like, "Good. Great. Fine."
"You want a pussy? Fine."
"But we're getting it tonight!"
"Shit or get off the pot."
"You want a pussy?
You'll wake up with a pussy."
"Get in the car! Get in the car!"
And I'll spend good money
on my son's pussy.
I'll spend good money on my son's pussy.
I'm not going to take him to Mexico,
get him a cheap pussy, it gets infected,
he gets gangrene, he gets a blood clot,
it goes to his head, he has a stroke.
People go, "What happened to your son?"
I'm like, "Sit. It's a story."
I'm gonna get him an expensive pussy,
but I'm gonna make him
show it to people at Christmas.
I'm gonna go, "Take it out, right now."
"Look at his pussy, Ma.
$30,000, smell it."
"Smell his pussy.
Smell your grandson's pussy. 30 grand."
"Do not be shy."
"Your rich faggot father
bought you a pussy."
"And it's Christmas, it's God's birthday,
and he wants to see your pussy too."
"Show your pussy to God right now."
"Show your new pussy to God."
[crowd cheering]
That joke will not be for everyone.
I did that
at a fundraiser the other night.
The woman who booked me
was like, "What's wrong with you?"
I said, "Listen, we're going to be
the first generation of people
to buy our children genitals."
"And then we're gonna have to take them
back 'cause they don't appreciate it."
"Oh, you got a C in math?"
"Give me your cock."
"Give me your cock, young lady."
"I'm not playing around with you.
It's going in the drawer,
next to your sister-brother's tits.
Give me your cock."
"No daughter of mine is going to get
a C in math and keep her cock."
"Give me your cock right now."
"Listen to me. I'm your mother."
And I'll look just like this.
"I'm your mother!"
Good night, everybody. Thank you.
[crowd cheering]
Thank you so much.
You guys are so much fun.
Thank you to Joe Rogan.
Thank you, Austin, we love you guys.
Do not get in a plane with her.
Thank you so much.
I like incest.
Thank you so much. Give it up for incest.
Kill the tech people outside.
Kill them if you see them. Kill them.
Thank you. Good night!
[country rock music playing]