Tiny Cinema (2022) Movie Script
1
(eerie music)
(heavy sigh)
I know what you're thinking.
Pretty weird choice
for a host, huh?
Who better than a sneaky little
bad boy rolling around town such
as myself?
Let me straight up with you.
This is the kind of place it's
going to make you feel
uncomfortable.
I can promise you that.
You may laugh.
You may get offended.
Don't worry,
that's the whole
fucking point.
You see here we don't
believe in dreams.
We live in nightmares.
Still don't get it yet,
do ya?
Speaking of not
getting it to the
right of me is the
Thompsons residence.
On the surface, Thompson seems
like your everyday all American
young couple.
But tonight that's
going to change.
For tonight...
Is game night.
(creepy synth music)
[Bert]
Uh oh.
Who invited these guys,
come on guys welcome in!
Good to see you,
good to see you!
We got wine and
stuff girls, IPA for the
big man, and we
got a bunch of chips.
(group laughing
and saying hello)
[Bert]Basically used to be,
but I don't remember being.
I don't ever and I've
seen any man.
Well I can't do the math.
- I can't do the trick.
- I have the magic.
(dance music)
(everyone talking at once)
(Woman guesses)
(Group cheers in agreement)
(dance music)
[Bert]
Uh oh. My turn?
Right hand blue.
- Blue.
Alright brace for impact guys
I'm bending over for this
one, so...
(group laughs)
That's what she said.
(group laughs louder)
Who's she?
(group goes quiet)
(awkward laughs)
[Friend]
That's funny.
Who is she?
(people mumble uncomfortably)
Are you serious?
No.
(Bert laughs awkwardly)
Left hand red.
(intense music)
(muffled voices of group)
- Goodnight guys!
- What are you talking about?
- Have a good night.
- Thank you guys.
Good night!
- Bye!
Yeah great, thanks for coming.
You OK?
- Yeah.
Okay.
[Party Goers Voice]
That's what he said.
(group laughing)
[Bert's Voice]
Who is she?
[Bert's Voice]
She.
(typing on computer)
(Peggy snoring)
(Peggy snoring)
(computer closing)
OK, so I saw those curtains
on Wayfair,
the uhm, the space curtains.
It sounds ugly
but it's not.
It's really cute
[Peggy's voice echoing] so I'm
thinking the space
curtains in the
bedroom and then we move
the bedroom curtains into
the other rooms and nobody
ever has to see it again.
It's disgusting.
Then we can move...
(Peggy's voice is overpowered
by white noise)
Yeah, once we do that then.
(Peggy's voice is muffled)
(Peggy talking unintelligibly)
[Peggy]
You know what I mean?
Anyway, yeah, so I think
you could do that...
(Peggy's voice disappearing)
(muffled voice talking)
(voice continues)
(Bert laughing)
(Bert laughing forcibly)
(pained)
Who is she?
(Bert laughing)
(Bert laughing maniacally)
(intense music)
(music abruptly stops)
[Peggy]
Hey honey.
Uhm...
What's going on here?
OK, because you know
it's one thing if you can't
do the dishes,
but it looks like you're
peeing in jars so...
(Bert laughing)
Dishes...
Oh, the dishes...
- Yeah, the dishes.
It's what I said.
What?
Did you shit on the fridge?
That's what you said.
Excuse me.
You said?
Honey.
Do you have any idea
what I've been through?
(Bert laughing)
You know how hard things have
been for me?
Oh my God.
- I've been having some ideas.
Floating around in my head.
Trying to figure out who she is.
(laughing)
Who's she?
There you are.
You...
that's what you said.
It's what you said.
That's what you said, honey.
That's what you said...
- I don't know what you're
talking about...
- That's what you said!
(Peggy whimpering in fear)
That's what you said.
Okay stop, please, stop okay.
(softly) Just just breathe
okay let's just breathe.
OK.
Honey look at yourself.
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry I don't know
what I did.
I didn't mean to do anything.
I'm so sorry,
Okay?
(crying)
I just want my husband back.
Can I have him back?
Can I just have my normal
husband back OK?
You're right.
I'm so sorry.
- It's okay...
(Bert sobbing)
Well, I've been acting weird.
(Bert laughing)
(Peggy laughing nervously)
I've been, uh,
acting strange so...
It's embarrassing.
Uh.
All right.
Mid life crisis alert, I'm gonna
do the dishes.
Sorry about that.
Uh.
Don't know what that was so...
(Bert moving dishes)
Let me just...
(Bert turning on water)
(Peggy sobbing)
No. No honey,
there is one thing.
About the dishes.
I could use a hand.
(Peggy screaming)
- Get it in the hole!
- Help me!
- Please!
- Get in the hole!
Just get it in the hole!
Squeal like a pig baby!
Scream like a freaking baby!
Fucking baby!
(doorbell rings)
(same time)
It's game night.
(upbeat music)
(group talking and laughing)
(group guessing and having fun)
- She has a fan.
(woman guessing)
- No.
(group continues playing game)
(all yelling and laughing)
(dance music)
(music stops)
(music restarts)
(music stops)
[Bert]
I am she.
[Group]
Oh my God,
I'm so sorry you guys...
- What are you
doing bud?
[Bert]
I am her, she is me.
I am always she.
Call 911?
Please.
Okay...
(Bert struggling and gasping)
(Bert laughing)
(Bert gasping)
(ambulance radio)
(Bert laughing)
It's OK, honey,
we're right behind you, OK?
(ambulance siren)
(doors close and sound
abruptly stops)
(Bert gasping and struggling)
(radio talking)
Alright.
Your wife's pretty cute man.
Gonna have to get
you better,
or I'm going to steal
her from you.
Heart rate is dropping
seems to be leveling out.
(Bert gasping)
Sir, can you hear us?
Sir, nod if you can hear us, OK.
Looks like someone's
coming back to reality.
You're gonna feel a little pinch
here on the count of three, OK?
1...2...3...
It's gonna make you feel
a lot better.
How's that feel?
It feel...
It feels good.
I feel good.
That's what she said.
We're coming in with a male
unknown-
(Bert screams)
That doesn't sound good.
See that's why I gotta stop
taking these night shifts.
I can tell you.
Nothing good ever happens
after 10:00 PM.
Anyways.
I'm hungry.
(men laughing)
[Host]
This is Edna.
She's full of dreams and ideas
that never came to be.
She spends most nights
here crying alone
in this dusty kitchen.
Revisiting the better times
of her memory.
Pretty depressing stuff,
huh?
The only clear and constant
thought that crosses her mind.
Is if she only had a man
to get through life with,
maybe things will get better
but only had a man
to get through life with.
Maybe things will get better.
(chuckling)
Trip to Aspen this year
was amazing.
So incredible yeah,
we stayed at the scene.
Yeah.
- Oh my God I love it.
It was so nice.
(talking about trip)
Yeah no but the spa's
way better.
It's way better.
And Stephen took his clients
there last year...
(voices start to echo and
become muffled)
[Host] She didn't want to be
here anymore.
So she chose a bridge.
She listened for a voice
to stop her.
But it never came.
Only the daunting whispers of
wind pushing her further to
the edge.
Then...
when she least expected it...
Something grabbed her attention.
(Edna yelling)
(muffled TV voices)
(Edna laughing)
(Voice on TV)
Oh my God, that looks so good.
Oh I've also been spitballing
some names.
What do you think
about Ricky, hmmm?
Yay or nay?
(Edna laughing)
Yay!
Ready! Here comes the airplane.
(Edna making airplane noises)
[Host] She finally found a man
to get through life with.
Things were better.
He was everything she
ever wanted.
A good listener.
A shoulder to lean on.
The strong silent type.
The prom date she never had.
She was so glad they met.
I'm so glad we met.
[Host] And although he may
have been dead.
For the first time in years.
She was alive.
(romantic music)
Oooh.
Can't even begin to tell you,
how long, so long, we've been
waiting for Edna to find a man.
[Edna]
Not that long.
(Edna laughing)
[Edna]
All right,
subject change,
(ladies laughing)
So...Ricky,
tell us about yourself,
what do you do?
(Edna laughing)
He's so cute,
and so shy.
Busy bee...
- OK, you know what,
I can't, I there's
no way I can do this.
Nope.
- Do what.
Are you?
Seriously gonna make me say
this right now.
Mm-hmm
He's...
He's dead.
He's dead.
[Edna] Can you please just try
and be happy for me just
for once
I would be happy for you if you
brought a boyfriend
along that was alive.
- God. Can you stop?
- He's not so.
He's not.
I get it all right.
Please stop.
- Edna.
- You're embarrassing me
in front of my date.
- You can't do this.
- Yes I can.
- There's nobody...
(Ricky's neck breaking)
Oh my God!
- No.
- Oh God uhm.
I find a man that I am
in love with
and you can't even be
happy for me.
It's disgusting. I would not
tell her what is going on here,
- I...uhm...
[Allison] Yo.
Help me out here.
Uhm...Well.
Yeah, it's pretty disturbing.
Edna.
You can't do this.
I'm really worried
about your mental health.
Fine.
That's the way
you feel.
Come on Ricky.
They hate us because
they ain't us.
[Allison]
Yeah, that's it.
- Oh I'm so...
sorry.
Got him, there, okay...
I'm never going to be able
to come here again.
So I was thinking we could go to
don't know the beach
or something tomorrow.
I know you're not the biggest
fan of water, but.
I don't know.
We could do a picnic or...
(Edna song playing)
[Host] They never did make it
to the beach.
Instead, she just stayed up
for days,
fueled by her friend's
harsh opinions.
In fact,
the more time that passed,
the more lifeless he
seemed to become.
Then once again,
when she least expected.
Something grabbed her attention.
(song continues)
(song fades out)
(injecting syringe)
(sighing)
(heavy breathing)
What happened to me?
You weren't dead.
And I brought you back to life.
That was pretty cool of you.
[Host] He explained how his
actual name was Cider.
My actual name is cider.
Really?
- Like the drink?
- I know it's biblical.
It means liqueur derived
from the juice of fruits.
Yeah, so like the drink.
Sure.
Uh...well...
It's just, I've been calling
you Ricky so...
Ricky?
- (laughing) Yeah.
Man do I seem Latin to you?
No, no, I just,
always liked that name.
Let's just stick with Cider.
I feel like it's part
of my core.
It's part of my essence.
Oh yeah, of course.
I mean it is your name.
Rename you that's crazy.
I'm dying for a grilled cheese.
Doesn't that sound good?
Those are fattening.
This place is really cool,
but it seems like they're trying
to capitalize on a young
generation,
revisiting vintage Americana,
and I would think that would
include vegan options to
just show
a nod to that generation.
Hey, we know you,
we get you.
We know what you want.
Oh I didn't know you're a vegan.
No I'm not.
- But...
You don't have to be
vegan to care.
(voice on TV)
(Edna laughing)
(voice on TV)
What are you laughing at?
OK, be honest.
What do you think?
My houseless friend Vic spent
two years collecting clothes and
reclaimed fabrics,
and we gave birth to this outfit
right after our first experience
with the DMT.
That's exactly what it
looks like.
No,
I think it makes
my ass pop too.
(record scratch)
(strange beats)
What's uh?
What's this?
Well, I didn't want to come
right out and say it,
but this is me.
Really?
That's you.
- Singing...
- Singing, drumming,
strumming, producing.
I spent three years of my life
traveling with Russian hobos
on the back of a cargo train
and I wrote this song.
It's about that-
(Cider's voice trailing off)
[Cider]
Oh shh, shh, Shut up.
Wait.
This is my favorite part.
This is the real genius seed.
(indie music beats)
Come on, look
at what I'm doing.
(music gets more intense)
[Cider] Lower body. Lower.
[Edna] Like this?
[Edna] Like th-
[Cider] Lower!
Like.
- Ah.
Yeah, it's not really your
fault, it's your body.
(Edna sighing frustratedly)
OK, ready, watch this.
(music continues)
(music slows down and fades out)
(Cider dying)
(Edna screaming and stabbing)
(Edna song playing)
[Host] It was then she realized
she was never going to let
her happiness be dependent
on another human again.
As he forwarded down that river,
she realized that true
importance and power of
independence.
The lonesome nights and string
of bad dates
were a dream compared to
the nightmare she called Rick.
But whatever the fuck
his name was,
as you'll see in our next story,
we're going to focus
on the power of friendship.
Might want to grab some popcorn
on this one.
(Host laughs)
It's about to get wild.
(cocking gun)
(woman screams)
[Jimmy] 3 little piggies
came to the market.
Everyone get the fuck down.
I said everyone get the
fuck down!
(customers screaming)
[Luke]
Not you fat boy.
Get up.
[Jimmy] We're going to make
this nice and easy.
You do exactly as we say.
Let us do our thing
and that's it.
Do you understand?
Do you understand!?
Why you doing this?
[Host]
What a great question.
[Jimmy] Dude you've been looking
at her all night.
Just go talk to her.
Why do you do this?
Do what?
Push me.
I don't push you. Luke
do I push him?
[Luke]
You're trying to help?
He's trying to help.
- Thank you.
Listen guys, I appreciate
the sentiment and everything but
I'm fine..I...I...
I don't need it.
You know why you guys do this
every week after week.
[Jimmy]
No.
Because you guys have settled
down, we've gotten older,
you've gotten comfy and listen,
there's nothing wrong with
that at all.
It's totally fine,
but you guys want to go
talk to a girl like that.
I don't, you do.
Okay.
and you project that
onto me and it's-
- Wow.
- I'm projecting?
- You're laughing,
it's true though.
- I'm trying to help you out.
What kind of friends would we be
if we weren't trying to
get you laid?
You guys would be
awesome friends, like friends
that I would wanna come
out with every Wednesday
and do this kind of shit
but this...
tired of it.
- Jesus man.
Sorry, it's just it's more
complicated than you guys would
think okay?
- What's so complicated
about it?
- There you go pushing.
[Jimmy] I'm not pushing.
I'm asking a question.
- He's asking a question.
A friendly question.
- It's out a concern.
- Stop being so sensitive.
- I can't come.
OK.
Say what?
I...
Come here.
No come here.
I can't come.
I've never been able to.
What like never?
Once.
I came close.
I was like 14.
Was laying in bed and I.
Figured why not.
And so I.
Was in the middle
of going at it, and I
heard a window
break in the other room.
And I got out of bed.
I pulled up my pants and...
Peaked my little head
around the corner.
There was this burglar.
He was just taking a bunch
of my dad's shit.
- Shit, so you're like
traumatized,
that's that's the thing I...
I sat there and I,
I watched him.
I...
And lo and behold, I...
Was as hard as a rock.
Wait, what?
It's like the more shit this guy
grabbed.
And the heavier his...
His breathing got.
The harder I got.
I was weirdly kind of hot.
So like I said.
It's a lot more complicated
than you would think.
[Jimmy and Luke]
Yeah.
[Chris]
So shots or...
I have an idea.
(peeing)
(something falling)
(peeing stops)
(zipping up pants)
[Jimmy] Take it all,
then let's kill the kid.
[Luke]
Sounds good.
(men whispering to each other)
[Jimmy] Should we like cut off
his face and take turns
wearing it?
[Luke]
Yeah.
Guys I...
I know it's you.
Okay.
- You gotta die now!
[Chris] Can you get that out of
my eyes please?
It's really early.
- Are you hard?
- Nope.
- You sure?
- Positive.
- Can we see it?
- Nope.
What what was it
that didn't work?
I can 100%
see your faces right now.
Well, that's super
disappointing.
(Jimmy sighing)
I want to go, this is stupid.
Okay.
- Bye dude sweet dreams.
- Yup.
(intense music)
Jimmy, this is getting
ridiculous man.
[Jimmy] We almost had
him man.
No, no, we didn't.
We need something bigger,
something better.
Like what?
Why are you doing this?
Anything?
No.
(Luke yelling in frustration)
What about this?
No no.
Fuck!
The fuck! No!
I need you to be fucking
straight with me right here
right now, is this happening?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean
you don't know!
- I'm sorry!
What?
[Jimmy]
Get down.
(gunshots)
[Policeman 1]
KCPD!
- Get down!
- Put your gun down!
Put your fucking gun down!
(gunshots)
(gunshots)
Get on the ground now!
On the ground, there you go!
Don't move.
Oh Jesus.
We gotta guy down over here.
(heavy breathing)
I'm sorry.
This was huge mistake.
No.
It wasn't.
(dramatic music)
We gotta go!
Hold your ground!
Don't do it!
Drop the gun!
(police officers yelling)
(man yelling)
(Jimmy yelling)
(gunshots)
[Luke's voice) What kind of
friends would we be?
If we were trying
to get laid.
[Chris's voice]
The best friends.
The best freaking friends
I ever had.
(music crescendos)
[Man]
Hey baby girl baby girl.
Yep, I just just dropped off
my last package.
That's cool.
But hey listen, I got 2 words
for you
red box.
Yep.
Daddy is going to
pick up a little flick and
then he's going to
give you a little di-
Hey, let me let me
call you back.
(engine starting)
(creepy music)
(music ends)
(wind)
Hello.
Kritika Express,
I need a signature here!
[Man] In the back!
We're uh, we're advised
not to do that, Sir.
I just need a signature
and I'll be on my way.
[Man]
Try and find me.
OK...
(intense synth music)
(timer ticking)
[Man]
Hello.
Sir.
Wow.
Yep.
[man laughing]
Just need a signature
here on the package
and I'll be on my way so...
- We don't have much time,
so I'll brass tacks it.
Probably wondering why
you're holding a package
addressed to here,
but with your name on it.
(snorting)
Yeah.
Coincidence?
How did you know that's my name?
Look in order to not disturb
the space time continuum,
I need to be injected
with your...with our DNA.
Otherwise the chance
the whole process fails,
and then we're fucked.
(laughing)What are you talking
about talking about?
I'm talking about the end
la fin, vamoose, extinction
in exactly 92 minutes
and 46 seconds an asteroid
is going to come down-
Oh, I get it.
You're one of these crazy
desert guys, huh?
You talk to lizards and,
hang out in the sun.
- I don't have time
to small talk with details.
I'm you from the future
and you're me from the past.
And the only way to stop this
thing is if you blast me with
your DNA.
(timer continues)
What?
- Oh come on, you think
it's funny?
Well, it won't be so funny
when we're tiny bits of ash.
All right, let's let's play,
pretend and say I believe you,
which I absolutely do not.
You expect me to do what just,
pull my hair out
and give it to you.
It's going to take more
than that, buddy.
Saliva.
Close.
Blood.
- Ooh, gross...
But warmer.
I think you just,
need the sign for
the package sir.
Well unfortunately I
can't do that.
Until you do what's necessary.
Well...
Kritika's policy you can just
pick it up at the office.
- Mmhmm.
(man laughs)
I ain't happy about it
either, kid,
but it's the only way to ensure
the survival of mankind.
(engine not starting)
(engine not starting)
[Operator] Sorry,
the number you have dialed is
not in service at this time.
Not one fucking bar.
(hanging up)
I'm you from the future.
You're me from the past.
(sobbing and laughing)
(heavy sigh)
You're gonna be okay.
(sobbing)
This...
Come on, come on.
It's unbelievable.
- Well, if that ain't fate.
I don't know what to tell you.
Well it's not.
It's not fate, it's illegal,
you're kind of holding me
captive here so...
You think it was me.
I've been here with you
the whole time.
Relax man.
You hungry?
No.
How about a cold one?
- No, I'm good.
So what do you suggest
that I do?
I told you, man.
Look, I know it's a lot
to take in,
but with all due respect,
I'm the one that's going
to have to take it.
I'm not gonna fuck
you, man. This is insane.
Well unfortunately fucking me
is the only way
you're getting out of here.
And if you don't,
you ain't going to have much
time to do anything.
Oh yeah, it's the only way I'm
getting out of here.
Well watch this.
- Oh well you know it's a long
walk from here what you plan
on hitchhiking, ha!
Good luck.
[Vick]
This guy is fucking insane.
He's a desert rat.
That's all he is
just a fucking desert rat.
Full of shit.
His voice is fucking 2...3
octaves higher than mine.
(sighing)
Hey look,
I know that seeing yourself
living in shit like this
isn't the picturesque life
you imagine for yourself.
But you know its got
its perks, you know.
You live a very full life.
Sure, there's that little black
tar heroin phase that eventually
leads to most,
if not all, friends and family
cutting you out completely.
But you know, that's what 25
years of delivering packages
does to a man.
Can you just please shut up?
Please.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, sure, no worries
Hey, you know we got
a birthday coming up.
That's exciting.
How did you know that?
- I got a bottle of the good
stuff in the Dome.
We could, maybe do this
thing black out.
- Nah I'm good man.
I don't know how else
to tell you that.
- Okay, alright.
All right.
Hey look
why don't we like I don't know
ease into this thing.
I could start like nibbling
at your neck, or something
like that.
- Stop please.
You're so fucking weird.
Are you not reading
my body language at like...
Can you just shut
the fuck up please?
[Man] OK I got it.
Why don't we go inside?
It's kind of cold out here.
I promise I ain't gonna
do anything weird.
Absolutely nothing weird.
Scouts honor.
(grunting)
Come on, it's cold out here.
(upbeat children's music)
[Vick] You know how I know
you're not me?
Your TV sucks.
- Hmm.
This do anything for
your big boy.
Your...your nipples?
No makes me feel,
Pretty uncomfortable.
- Don't knock-'em
till you try-'em.
I got a girl with perfect
nipples.
Waiting for me at home
in a nice bed with,
clean sheets.
They're not always clean.
What is that supposed
to mean?
Let's face it, you ain't
Brad Pitt.
She's a hot club girl.
Tons of options.
And that Armenian DJ that's
always hanging around.
(chuckling)
He's a friend.
- Oh wake up man.
Who's in your Christmas
card last year?
So she's she's cheating on me
now. Is that what you're saying?
(Vick sighing)
Why am I watching a children's
show with a dirty bum,
in a dome.
What am I even doing here.
Yep, I'm leaving can't do it.
There he goes again, wait!
- What.
- Open the package.
- What?
- The package you brought,
open it.
You need to see
what's inside.
(zipper)
There's no way.
There's no way.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
[man] I'm you from the future
and you're me from the past.
[Vick] I'm not gonna fuck you
man. This is insane.
[Man]
Well, unfortunately fucking me
is the only way
you're getting out of here.
And if you don't,
you're not going to have much
time to do anything.
Hey.
Hey yourself.
What are we doing?
This is nuts.
We're doing what's necessary.
Let's bring this thing
home, brother.
(groaning)
[Vick]
Oh.
(man moaning)
(both moaning)
(both moaning)
(wind)
(engine not starting)
(engine starting up)
Fuck yes!
Fuck yes.
(driver gets out of the car)
[Pizza guy]
Meat lovers.
Wild Bills!
Pizza!
Another day.
Another cream pie.
Let's make this more
interesting.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yep.
(man laughing)
(man's laugh echoing)
(man yelling)
Let's change subjects.
This one starts on
the other side of town
with a group of poker
playing mobsters.
Set up you've seen
1000 times before.
Only this.
Has a twist.
(blues music playing)
(men laughing)
(opera music)
(men continue laughing)
Oh, oh, oh I got one,
I got a good one.
Why do Italian men grow
mustaches?
[group]
Uh.
So they could look
like their mother!
(group laughs hysterically)
- Their mother!
Their mother!
Hey! You know, Tony.
I mean, I'd fuck your mother!
(man laughs)
(men stop laughing)
You want to fuck my mother?
- Tony it's just joke.
- Yeah, it's a goof.
(laughing)
You son of a bitch,
you just see your face.
I got you.
(other men start laughing)
(music starts up again)
Oh my God, Tony!
Yeah man.
Nearly shit myself.
Almost shit my fucking pants.
(men still laughing)
Oh my God Tony.
[Tutti]
Coulda given me a heart attack!
Holy shit.
Whoo.
(dark orchestral music)
(men laughing,
the laughs become distorted)
What the fuck!?
You little shit.
(men continue to laugh)
(Tutti yelling in pain)
(punches)
[Tutti]
What are you guys doing?!
(muffled pleas)
(mobster)
Get in there.
Come on, get in.
(Tutti yelling)
(punches)
(music intensifies)
(punches) (Tutti yelling pain)
(musical stinger)
[Tutti]
Oh.
(Tutti groaning)
[Tutti]
Hey!
Hey guys!
Tony!
Tony!
(Tutti yelling)
(music on TV)
[Mobster 1]
Get up, let's go.
Get up.
[Mobster 2]
Hey!
Carmine.
How you doing?
[Tony]
Hey Carmine.
How you feeling you doing OK?
- Guys a...
Fucking legend.
She giving you a grape juice
every day?
[Woman] Drinks more juice than
Sammy fucking Sosa.
Hey ma, you remember Tutti,
don't you?
Yeah.
Hi boys, Tutti.
Are you staying out of trouble?
Wish we were.
Actually Tutti he said he
wanted to fuck you Ma.
Ain't that right?
Tell her.
- Tony come on this is
real fucked up.
I'm going to get-
- You ain't going nowhere.
[Tony's Mother]
Is that right Tutti?
You wanna pound me Tutti?
Ah don't be shy today,
just about an hour ago
you said that you wanted
to fuck ma,
pound the pussy and give it
to a real good.
Come on, get in there,
go fuck her.
Come on Tutti don't
embarrass me.
She hasn't been with a hog
in a long time.
Get in there and pound that
pussy and fuck her real good.
Come on show her what you got.
[Tony's Mother]
Come on, big shot.
Why don't you come on in?
Get this cream cheese factory
going, huh?
Come on, come get it,
I'm right here,
big boy I'm waiting for ya.
Get up all in.
Come on Tutti.
(Tony's mother egging Tutti on)
Balls.
This is some fucked up shit.
Shh.
[Tony's Mother]
Come on big boy!
[Tutti]
Alright I'm gonna fuck you.
[Tutti]
Yeah!
[Tony's Mother]
Yeah baby.
Yee haw, yee haw!
(Tony's Mother excited)
[Mobster 1]
Alright Tutti!
[Tony]
Atta boy Tutti get in there!
(Tutti and Tony's Mother
moaning)
Mama.
[Kristina] Getting full. [Sam] I
know this food is so good.
-It's so good, it's amazing.
- Right? This place is great.
and I'm just gonna go ahead
and say it right now.
This is going-
- Extremely well.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I was gonna say the exact
same thing.
- I mean, it's we're finishing
each other's-
- Sentences.
Come on with it, you're
killing me.
- This is so good.
- I mean honestly, it's so hard
to date here.
Oh yeah.
Last week I went on
a date with...
(whispering) a blind guy.
- Ohh! A blind, really?
- It was a blind date
literally yeah.
- Literally.
(both laughing)
Yeah.
I mean, obviously
there's nothing wrong with that,
but give a girl a heads up
like tell me, your tell me
you're blind.
Could have shot you a text
or something right?
- Yeah!
- Yeah or...
He couldn't. I don't know
do blind people text
I have no idea.
God, I don't know.
I've never thought of that.
- No idea how that works.
Guess I'll never find out
because I let him to go after
the first date.
- Oh yeah, yeah,
well, I guess he never saw it
coming, huh?
(Kristina laughs)
Right?
God, you're so bad.
(Sam laughing)
All right,
what's going on here?
Little bumpski.
Yeah, OK, sure I like cocaine.
(both laughing)
- Alright she's a part girl,
I guess.
- Yeah, yeah, just be careful.
Don't draw attention to it.
(snorting)
Oh well, that'll put
hair on your chest.
- Sure will.
- Just when I thought you
couldn't get any cooler.
(both laughing)
Aww...
You just snorted
my dad's ashes.
What?
Mmmm.
I said you just snorted
my dad's ashes,
So that is what you said, right?
I'm not...
Is that the joke name
you call cocaine, are you
playing with me?
No actual ashes.
I got-'em from the crematorium.
On Saint Clair Street.
- What the fuck are you
talking about?
- Oh it's nothing.
It's just that you snorted
my dad's ashes.
That's not nothing, sweetheart,
that's your daddy in my
throat right now.
Dude, I feel that.
- Well that's so great.
I'm so glad.
- It isn't that great.
It sucks.
You are so cute.
Is your hair naturally curly?
OK, you're a psycho, right?
[Kristina]
Psycho about you.
Oh...
That's so sweet.
I can't wait for the rest
of our date.
(Kristina laughs)
Yeah...Uh...
Soon as we get that check!
- Yeah where is she?
(sweet romantic music)
Ohh bowling could be fun.
Oh my gosh,
we could get ice cream
Oh my gosh Oh my gosh
I have to wake up early.
I am remembering in the morning.
- Oh no.
- Got that old shift.
Ugh, that's the worst.
- Yup.
Well, maybe Saturday night we
could do something if you're not
doing anything.
Maybe you know gonna
play by ear right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, alright, alright.
Bye, I'll see you later.
[Sam]
Bye!
[Woman] Excuse me, do you happen
to have a bookmark?
Yup.
But my name's not
Mark it's Sam.
OK.
You want your milk in the bag?
No, I think the carton
will be okay.
(chuckles)
(clears throat) Oh, I'm sorry,
that was awful, bags great.
Would you like to try our new
"Java Rama" coffee fountain?
It comes with five
different bold flavors that
will make you start
the day like a savage.
No, I think black's going to be
okay, but don't worry,
I'm not driving or anything.
Oh I did it again.
(sighing)
What the fuck is this?
Oh my...
God!
Ohhh you're gonna be alright
baby, you're gonna be okay.
Everything's cool.
Get some Java going.
What don't.
(exasperated sigh)
No, Sir,
no sir, no sir.
(car starting)
On your ass, buddy.
(laughing)
Ohhh.
So we are not going that fast
not in this neighborhood.
Not in this neighborhood.
Are you kidding me?
(car screeching to a halt)
What is he doing? Hold up,
I gotta film him.
(men laughing)
A little fast back
there ay boys?
Huh?
Where's the fire?
(Sam groaning in pain)
[Man]
He just, he stumbled!
(men laughing)
Hey.
Tubby, what's up man?
Hey smile for the camera!
We were going a little faster
for you there?
(men laughing)
- Dude, check this guy out.
- There's kids around here.
What's up man?
- Tubby.
What's up?
Hey!
There's kids around here.
There's kids around.
(in pain)
Oh!
(men laughing)
[Man 2]
Get up, there's kids around man.
There's kids around.
It's kinda weird though.
(men laughing)
(Sam groaning)
(phone ringing)
(Sam in pain)
(phone ringing)
You've reached Tina and Dad
leave a message.
(beep)
[Sam] Hey, uh, look who's still
not picking up.
Really wish you would have told
me about the side effects of
this shit, hmm.
Anyway, guess you found
your fucking address.
I'm on my way.
(thunder)
(doorbell)
(knocking)
(banging)
(door breaking)
Honey, I'm home.
I look like Ben
fucking Franklin.
(grunting)
(creepy music)
(music stinger)
(Sam in shock)
(Sam sighing)
Hey.
What the fuck?
Hmm.
I think I just asked you
a question, Missy.
Daddy, you're home early.
Yeah, well we finished up early
wrapped up and the ball said-
(Sam choking and mocking his own
words)
My God help me please!
God it's hot here, you hot?
How many times I'm going to say
it don't touch the thermostat
we're not heating the whole
neighborhood here, okay?
Dad!
But I'm chilly!
- Hey there chilly, I'm dad.
God, help me!
(Sam groaning)
(Tina laughing)
You're so funny.
You got to start answering some
questions, OK? Cause I'm...
You know, I've lost it fully and
and I just would really like to
counteract whatever the fuck's
going on with me right now and.
(in pain)
Oh.
Go to your room.
Now.
Get to steppin' sister.
I'm not playing with you
this time.
so unfair!
I didn't do anything.
(groaning and sighing)
(groaning)
Yeah, like that.
(snoring)
(snoring)
(startled)
(groaning)
Rockin' Robbin by Bobby Day
It's our song Daddy!
Fuck this!
(neck cracking)
(laughing)
Rockin' Robbin by Bobby Day
(song distorts and slowly stops)
(muffled voices talking)
Good God.
Hey.
(in unison)
Hey daddy!
Hey.
Nice set up y'all.
I dig the titties.
(men in unison)
Thanks daddy.
Let's get an apron on that boy.
(Dad's agree)
I like this one.
He's going to be good.
(Sam sobbing)
(intense techno music)
(ghostly voice laughing)
(ghostly voice laughing)
(voice laughing)
(Host laughing)
(Host laughing)
(music abruptly stops)
That was fun.
Rockin' Robbin by Bobby Day
(intense techno music)
(eerie music)
(heavy sigh)
I know what you're thinking.
Pretty weird choice
for a host, huh?
Who better than a sneaky little
bad boy rolling around town such
as myself?
Let me straight up with you.
This is the kind of place it's
going to make you feel
uncomfortable.
I can promise you that.
You may laugh.
You may get offended.
Don't worry,
that's the whole
fucking point.
You see here we don't
believe in dreams.
We live in nightmares.
Still don't get it yet,
do ya?
Speaking of not
getting it to the
right of me is the
Thompsons residence.
On the surface, Thompson seems
like your everyday all American
young couple.
But tonight that's
going to change.
For tonight...
Is game night.
(creepy synth music)
[Bert]
Uh oh.
Who invited these guys,
come on guys welcome in!
Good to see you,
good to see you!
We got wine and
stuff girls, IPA for the
big man, and we
got a bunch of chips.
(group laughing
and saying hello)
[Bert]Basically used to be,
but I don't remember being.
I don't ever and I've
seen any man.
Well I can't do the math.
- I can't do the trick.
- I have the magic.
(dance music)
(everyone talking at once)
(Woman guesses)
(Group cheers in agreement)
(dance music)
[Bert]
Uh oh. My turn?
Right hand blue.
- Blue.
Alright brace for impact guys
I'm bending over for this
one, so...
(group laughs)
That's what she said.
(group laughs louder)
Who's she?
(group goes quiet)
(awkward laughs)
[Friend]
That's funny.
Who is she?
(people mumble uncomfortably)
Are you serious?
No.
(Bert laughs awkwardly)
Left hand red.
(intense music)
(muffled voices of group)
- Goodnight guys!
- What are you talking about?
- Have a good night.
- Thank you guys.
Good night!
- Bye!
Yeah great, thanks for coming.
You OK?
- Yeah.
Okay.
[Party Goers Voice]
That's what he said.
(group laughing)
[Bert's Voice]
Who is she?
[Bert's Voice]
She.
(typing on computer)
(Peggy snoring)
(Peggy snoring)
(computer closing)
OK, so I saw those curtains
on Wayfair,
the uhm, the space curtains.
It sounds ugly
but it's not.
It's really cute
[Peggy's voice echoing] so I'm
thinking the space
curtains in the
bedroom and then we move
the bedroom curtains into
the other rooms and nobody
ever has to see it again.
It's disgusting.
Then we can move...
(Peggy's voice is overpowered
by white noise)
Yeah, once we do that then.
(Peggy's voice is muffled)
(Peggy talking unintelligibly)
[Peggy]
You know what I mean?
Anyway, yeah, so I think
you could do that...
(Peggy's voice disappearing)
(muffled voice talking)
(voice continues)
(Bert laughing)
(Bert laughing forcibly)
(pained)
Who is she?
(Bert laughing)
(Bert laughing maniacally)
(intense music)
(music abruptly stops)
[Peggy]
Hey honey.
Uhm...
What's going on here?
OK, because you know
it's one thing if you can't
do the dishes,
but it looks like you're
peeing in jars so...
(Bert laughing)
Dishes...
Oh, the dishes...
- Yeah, the dishes.
It's what I said.
What?
Did you shit on the fridge?
That's what you said.
Excuse me.
You said?
Honey.
Do you have any idea
what I've been through?
(Bert laughing)
You know how hard things have
been for me?
Oh my God.
- I've been having some ideas.
Floating around in my head.
Trying to figure out who she is.
(laughing)
Who's she?
There you are.
You...
that's what you said.
It's what you said.
That's what you said, honey.
That's what you said...
- I don't know what you're
talking about...
- That's what you said!
(Peggy whimpering in fear)
That's what you said.
Okay stop, please, stop okay.
(softly) Just just breathe
okay let's just breathe.
OK.
Honey look at yourself.
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry I don't know
what I did.
I didn't mean to do anything.
I'm so sorry,
Okay?
(crying)
I just want my husband back.
Can I have him back?
Can I just have my normal
husband back OK?
You're right.
I'm so sorry.
- It's okay...
(Bert sobbing)
Well, I've been acting weird.
(Bert laughing)
(Peggy laughing nervously)
I've been, uh,
acting strange so...
It's embarrassing.
Uh.
All right.
Mid life crisis alert, I'm gonna
do the dishes.
Sorry about that.
Uh.
Don't know what that was so...
(Bert moving dishes)
Let me just...
(Bert turning on water)
(Peggy sobbing)
No. No honey,
there is one thing.
About the dishes.
I could use a hand.
(Peggy screaming)
- Get it in the hole!
- Help me!
- Please!
- Get in the hole!
Just get it in the hole!
Squeal like a pig baby!
Scream like a freaking baby!
Fucking baby!
(doorbell rings)
(same time)
It's game night.
(upbeat music)
(group talking and laughing)
(group guessing and having fun)
- She has a fan.
(woman guessing)
- No.
(group continues playing game)
(all yelling and laughing)
(dance music)
(music stops)
(music restarts)
(music stops)
[Bert]
I am she.
[Group]
Oh my God,
I'm so sorry you guys...
- What are you
doing bud?
[Bert]
I am her, she is me.
I am always she.
Call 911?
Please.
Okay...
(Bert struggling and gasping)
(Bert laughing)
(Bert gasping)
(ambulance radio)
(Bert laughing)
It's OK, honey,
we're right behind you, OK?
(ambulance siren)
(doors close and sound
abruptly stops)
(Bert gasping and struggling)
(radio talking)
Alright.
Your wife's pretty cute man.
Gonna have to get
you better,
or I'm going to steal
her from you.
Heart rate is dropping
seems to be leveling out.
(Bert gasping)
Sir, can you hear us?
Sir, nod if you can hear us, OK.
Looks like someone's
coming back to reality.
You're gonna feel a little pinch
here on the count of three, OK?
1...2...3...
It's gonna make you feel
a lot better.
How's that feel?
It feel...
It feels good.
I feel good.
That's what she said.
We're coming in with a male
unknown-
(Bert screams)
That doesn't sound good.
See that's why I gotta stop
taking these night shifts.
I can tell you.
Nothing good ever happens
after 10:00 PM.
Anyways.
I'm hungry.
(men laughing)
[Host]
This is Edna.
She's full of dreams and ideas
that never came to be.
She spends most nights
here crying alone
in this dusty kitchen.
Revisiting the better times
of her memory.
Pretty depressing stuff,
huh?
The only clear and constant
thought that crosses her mind.
Is if she only had a man
to get through life with,
maybe things will get better
but only had a man
to get through life with.
Maybe things will get better.
(chuckling)
Trip to Aspen this year
was amazing.
So incredible yeah,
we stayed at the scene.
Yeah.
- Oh my God I love it.
It was so nice.
(talking about trip)
Yeah no but the spa's
way better.
It's way better.
And Stephen took his clients
there last year...
(voices start to echo and
become muffled)
[Host] She didn't want to be
here anymore.
So she chose a bridge.
She listened for a voice
to stop her.
But it never came.
Only the daunting whispers of
wind pushing her further to
the edge.
Then...
when she least expected it...
Something grabbed her attention.
(Edna yelling)
(muffled TV voices)
(Edna laughing)
(Voice on TV)
Oh my God, that looks so good.
Oh I've also been spitballing
some names.
What do you think
about Ricky, hmmm?
Yay or nay?
(Edna laughing)
Yay!
Ready! Here comes the airplane.
(Edna making airplane noises)
[Host] She finally found a man
to get through life with.
Things were better.
He was everything she
ever wanted.
A good listener.
A shoulder to lean on.
The strong silent type.
The prom date she never had.
She was so glad they met.
I'm so glad we met.
[Host] And although he may
have been dead.
For the first time in years.
She was alive.
(romantic music)
Oooh.
Can't even begin to tell you,
how long, so long, we've been
waiting for Edna to find a man.
[Edna]
Not that long.
(Edna laughing)
[Edna]
All right,
subject change,
(ladies laughing)
So...Ricky,
tell us about yourself,
what do you do?
(Edna laughing)
He's so cute,
and so shy.
Busy bee...
- OK, you know what,
I can't, I there's
no way I can do this.
Nope.
- Do what.
Are you?
Seriously gonna make me say
this right now.
Mm-hmm
He's...
He's dead.
He's dead.
[Edna] Can you please just try
and be happy for me just
for once
I would be happy for you if you
brought a boyfriend
along that was alive.
- God. Can you stop?
- He's not so.
He's not.
I get it all right.
Please stop.
- Edna.
- You're embarrassing me
in front of my date.
- You can't do this.
- Yes I can.
- There's nobody...
(Ricky's neck breaking)
Oh my God!
- No.
- Oh God uhm.
I find a man that I am
in love with
and you can't even be
happy for me.
It's disgusting. I would not
tell her what is going on here,
- I...uhm...
[Allison] Yo.
Help me out here.
Uhm...Well.
Yeah, it's pretty disturbing.
Edna.
You can't do this.
I'm really worried
about your mental health.
Fine.
That's the way
you feel.
Come on Ricky.
They hate us because
they ain't us.
[Allison]
Yeah, that's it.
- Oh I'm so...
sorry.
Got him, there, okay...
I'm never going to be able
to come here again.
So I was thinking we could go to
don't know the beach
or something tomorrow.
I know you're not the biggest
fan of water, but.
I don't know.
We could do a picnic or...
(Edna song playing)
[Host] They never did make it
to the beach.
Instead, she just stayed up
for days,
fueled by her friend's
harsh opinions.
In fact,
the more time that passed,
the more lifeless he
seemed to become.
Then once again,
when she least expected.
Something grabbed her attention.
(song continues)
(song fades out)
(injecting syringe)
(sighing)
(heavy breathing)
What happened to me?
You weren't dead.
And I brought you back to life.
That was pretty cool of you.
[Host] He explained how his
actual name was Cider.
My actual name is cider.
Really?
- Like the drink?
- I know it's biblical.
It means liqueur derived
from the juice of fruits.
Yeah, so like the drink.
Sure.
Uh...well...
It's just, I've been calling
you Ricky so...
Ricky?
- (laughing) Yeah.
Man do I seem Latin to you?
No, no, I just,
always liked that name.
Let's just stick with Cider.
I feel like it's part
of my core.
It's part of my essence.
Oh yeah, of course.
I mean it is your name.
Rename you that's crazy.
I'm dying for a grilled cheese.
Doesn't that sound good?
Those are fattening.
This place is really cool,
but it seems like they're trying
to capitalize on a young
generation,
revisiting vintage Americana,
and I would think that would
include vegan options to
just show
a nod to that generation.
Hey, we know you,
we get you.
We know what you want.
Oh I didn't know you're a vegan.
No I'm not.
- But...
You don't have to be
vegan to care.
(voice on TV)
(Edna laughing)
(voice on TV)
What are you laughing at?
OK, be honest.
What do you think?
My houseless friend Vic spent
two years collecting clothes and
reclaimed fabrics,
and we gave birth to this outfit
right after our first experience
with the DMT.
That's exactly what it
looks like.
No,
I think it makes
my ass pop too.
(record scratch)
(strange beats)
What's uh?
What's this?
Well, I didn't want to come
right out and say it,
but this is me.
Really?
That's you.
- Singing...
- Singing, drumming,
strumming, producing.
I spent three years of my life
traveling with Russian hobos
on the back of a cargo train
and I wrote this song.
It's about that-
(Cider's voice trailing off)
[Cider]
Oh shh, shh, Shut up.
Wait.
This is my favorite part.
This is the real genius seed.
(indie music beats)
Come on, look
at what I'm doing.
(music gets more intense)
[Cider] Lower body. Lower.
[Edna] Like this?
[Edna] Like th-
[Cider] Lower!
Like.
- Ah.
Yeah, it's not really your
fault, it's your body.
(Edna sighing frustratedly)
OK, ready, watch this.
(music continues)
(music slows down and fades out)
(Cider dying)
(Edna screaming and stabbing)
(Edna song playing)
[Host] It was then she realized
she was never going to let
her happiness be dependent
on another human again.
As he forwarded down that river,
she realized that true
importance and power of
independence.
The lonesome nights and string
of bad dates
were a dream compared to
the nightmare she called Rick.
But whatever the fuck
his name was,
as you'll see in our next story,
we're going to focus
on the power of friendship.
Might want to grab some popcorn
on this one.
(Host laughs)
It's about to get wild.
(cocking gun)
(woman screams)
[Jimmy] 3 little piggies
came to the market.
Everyone get the fuck down.
I said everyone get the
fuck down!
(customers screaming)
[Luke]
Not you fat boy.
Get up.
[Jimmy] We're going to make
this nice and easy.
You do exactly as we say.
Let us do our thing
and that's it.
Do you understand?
Do you understand!?
Why you doing this?
[Host]
What a great question.
[Jimmy] Dude you've been looking
at her all night.
Just go talk to her.
Why do you do this?
Do what?
Push me.
I don't push you. Luke
do I push him?
[Luke]
You're trying to help?
He's trying to help.
- Thank you.
Listen guys, I appreciate
the sentiment and everything but
I'm fine..I...I...
I don't need it.
You know why you guys do this
every week after week.
[Jimmy]
No.
Because you guys have settled
down, we've gotten older,
you've gotten comfy and listen,
there's nothing wrong with
that at all.
It's totally fine,
but you guys want to go
talk to a girl like that.
I don't, you do.
Okay.
and you project that
onto me and it's-
- Wow.
- I'm projecting?
- You're laughing,
it's true though.
- I'm trying to help you out.
What kind of friends would we be
if we weren't trying to
get you laid?
You guys would be
awesome friends, like friends
that I would wanna come
out with every Wednesday
and do this kind of shit
but this...
tired of it.
- Jesus man.
Sorry, it's just it's more
complicated than you guys would
think okay?
- What's so complicated
about it?
- There you go pushing.
[Jimmy] I'm not pushing.
I'm asking a question.
- He's asking a question.
A friendly question.
- It's out a concern.
- Stop being so sensitive.
- I can't come.
OK.
Say what?
I...
Come here.
No come here.
I can't come.
I've never been able to.
What like never?
Once.
I came close.
I was like 14.
Was laying in bed and I.
Figured why not.
And so I.
Was in the middle
of going at it, and I
heard a window
break in the other room.
And I got out of bed.
I pulled up my pants and...
Peaked my little head
around the corner.
There was this burglar.
He was just taking a bunch
of my dad's shit.
- Shit, so you're like
traumatized,
that's that's the thing I...
I sat there and I,
I watched him.
I...
And lo and behold, I...
Was as hard as a rock.
Wait, what?
It's like the more shit this guy
grabbed.
And the heavier his...
His breathing got.
The harder I got.
I was weirdly kind of hot.
So like I said.
It's a lot more complicated
than you would think.
[Jimmy and Luke]
Yeah.
[Chris]
So shots or...
I have an idea.
(peeing)
(something falling)
(peeing stops)
(zipping up pants)
[Jimmy] Take it all,
then let's kill the kid.
[Luke]
Sounds good.
(men whispering to each other)
[Jimmy] Should we like cut off
his face and take turns
wearing it?
[Luke]
Yeah.
Guys I...
I know it's you.
Okay.
- You gotta die now!
[Chris] Can you get that out of
my eyes please?
It's really early.
- Are you hard?
- Nope.
- You sure?
- Positive.
- Can we see it?
- Nope.
What what was it
that didn't work?
I can 100%
see your faces right now.
Well, that's super
disappointing.
(Jimmy sighing)
I want to go, this is stupid.
Okay.
- Bye dude sweet dreams.
- Yup.
(intense music)
Jimmy, this is getting
ridiculous man.
[Jimmy] We almost had
him man.
No, no, we didn't.
We need something bigger,
something better.
Like what?
Why are you doing this?
Anything?
No.
(Luke yelling in frustration)
What about this?
No no.
Fuck!
The fuck! No!
I need you to be fucking
straight with me right here
right now, is this happening?
- I don't know.
- What do you mean
you don't know!
- I'm sorry!
What?
[Jimmy]
Get down.
(gunshots)
[Policeman 1]
KCPD!
- Get down!
- Put your gun down!
Put your fucking gun down!
(gunshots)
(gunshots)
Get on the ground now!
On the ground, there you go!
Don't move.
Oh Jesus.
We gotta guy down over here.
(heavy breathing)
I'm sorry.
This was huge mistake.
No.
It wasn't.
(dramatic music)
We gotta go!
Hold your ground!
Don't do it!
Drop the gun!
(police officers yelling)
(man yelling)
(Jimmy yelling)
(gunshots)
[Luke's voice) What kind of
friends would we be?
If we were trying
to get laid.
[Chris's voice]
The best friends.
The best freaking friends
I ever had.
(music crescendos)
[Man]
Hey baby girl baby girl.
Yep, I just just dropped off
my last package.
That's cool.
But hey listen, I got 2 words
for you
red box.
Yep.
Daddy is going to
pick up a little flick and
then he's going to
give you a little di-
Hey, let me let me
call you back.
(engine starting)
(creepy music)
(music ends)
(wind)
Hello.
Kritika Express,
I need a signature here!
[Man] In the back!
We're uh, we're advised
not to do that, Sir.
I just need a signature
and I'll be on my way.
[Man]
Try and find me.
OK...
(intense synth music)
(timer ticking)
[Man]
Hello.
Sir.
Wow.
Yep.
[man laughing]
Just need a signature
here on the package
and I'll be on my way so...
- We don't have much time,
so I'll brass tacks it.
Probably wondering why
you're holding a package
addressed to here,
but with your name on it.
(snorting)
Yeah.
Coincidence?
How did you know that's my name?
Look in order to not disturb
the space time continuum,
I need to be injected
with your...with our DNA.
Otherwise the chance
the whole process fails,
and then we're fucked.
(laughing)What are you talking
about talking about?
I'm talking about the end
la fin, vamoose, extinction
in exactly 92 minutes
and 46 seconds an asteroid
is going to come down-
Oh, I get it.
You're one of these crazy
desert guys, huh?
You talk to lizards and,
hang out in the sun.
- I don't have time
to small talk with details.
I'm you from the future
and you're me from the past.
And the only way to stop this
thing is if you blast me with
your DNA.
(timer continues)
What?
- Oh come on, you think
it's funny?
Well, it won't be so funny
when we're tiny bits of ash.
All right, let's let's play,
pretend and say I believe you,
which I absolutely do not.
You expect me to do what just,
pull my hair out
and give it to you.
It's going to take more
than that, buddy.
Saliva.
Close.
Blood.
- Ooh, gross...
But warmer.
I think you just,
need the sign for
the package sir.
Well unfortunately I
can't do that.
Until you do what's necessary.
Well...
Kritika's policy you can just
pick it up at the office.
- Mmhmm.
(man laughs)
I ain't happy about it
either, kid,
but it's the only way to ensure
the survival of mankind.
(engine not starting)
(engine not starting)
[Operator] Sorry,
the number you have dialed is
not in service at this time.
Not one fucking bar.
(hanging up)
I'm you from the future.
You're me from the past.
(sobbing and laughing)
(heavy sigh)
You're gonna be okay.
(sobbing)
This...
Come on, come on.
It's unbelievable.
- Well, if that ain't fate.
I don't know what to tell you.
Well it's not.
It's not fate, it's illegal,
you're kind of holding me
captive here so...
You think it was me.
I've been here with you
the whole time.
Relax man.
You hungry?
No.
How about a cold one?
- No, I'm good.
So what do you suggest
that I do?
I told you, man.
Look, I know it's a lot
to take in,
but with all due respect,
I'm the one that's going
to have to take it.
I'm not gonna fuck
you, man. This is insane.
Well unfortunately fucking me
is the only way
you're getting out of here.
And if you don't,
you ain't going to have much
time to do anything.
Oh yeah, it's the only way I'm
getting out of here.
Well watch this.
- Oh well you know it's a long
walk from here what you plan
on hitchhiking, ha!
Good luck.
[Vick]
This guy is fucking insane.
He's a desert rat.
That's all he is
just a fucking desert rat.
Full of shit.
His voice is fucking 2...3
octaves higher than mine.
(sighing)
Hey look,
I know that seeing yourself
living in shit like this
isn't the picturesque life
you imagine for yourself.
But you know its got
its perks, you know.
You live a very full life.
Sure, there's that little black
tar heroin phase that eventually
leads to most,
if not all, friends and family
cutting you out completely.
But you know, that's what 25
years of delivering packages
does to a man.
Can you just please shut up?
Please.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, sure, no worries
Hey, you know we got
a birthday coming up.
That's exciting.
How did you know that?
- I got a bottle of the good
stuff in the Dome.
We could, maybe do this
thing black out.
- Nah I'm good man.
I don't know how else
to tell you that.
- Okay, alright.
All right.
Hey look
why don't we like I don't know
ease into this thing.
I could start like nibbling
at your neck, or something
like that.
- Stop please.
You're so fucking weird.
Are you not reading
my body language at like...
Can you just shut
the fuck up please?
[Man] OK I got it.
Why don't we go inside?
It's kind of cold out here.
I promise I ain't gonna
do anything weird.
Absolutely nothing weird.
Scouts honor.
(grunting)
Come on, it's cold out here.
(upbeat children's music)
[Vick] You know how I know
you're not me?
Your TV sucks.
- Hmm.
This do anything for
your big boy.
Your...your nipples?
No makes me feel,
Pretty uncomfortable.
- Don't knock-'em
till you try-'em.
I got a girl with perfect
nipples.
Waiting for me at home
in a nice bed with,
clean sheets.
They're not always clean.
What is that supposed
to mean?
Let's face it, you ain't
Brad Pitt.
She's a hot club girl.
Tons of options.
And that Armenian DJ that's
always hanging around.
(chuckling)
He's a friend.
- Oh wake up man.
Who's in your Christmas
card last year?
So she's she's cheating on me
now. Is that what you're saying?
(Vick sighing)
Why am I watching a children's
show with a dirty bum,
in a dome.
What am I even doing here.
Yep, I'm leaving can't do it.
There he goes again, wait!
- What.
- Open the package.
- What?
- The package you brought,
open it.
You need to see
what's inside.
(zipper)
There's no way.
There's no way.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
[man] I'm you from the future
and you're me from the past.
[Vick] I'm not gonna fuck you
man. This is insane.
[Man]
Well, unfortunately fucking me
is the only way
you're getting out of here.
And if you don't,
you're not going to have much
time to do anything.
Hey.
Hey yourself.
What are we doing?
This is nuts.
We're doing what's necessary.
Let's bring this thing
home, brother.
(groaning)
[Vick]
Oh.
(man moaning)
(both moaning)
(both moaning)
(wind)
(engine not starting)
(engine starting up)
Fuck yes!
Fuck yes.
(driver gets out of the car)
[Pizza guy]
Meat lovers.
Wild Bills!
Pizza!
Another day.
Another cream pie.
Let's make this more
interesting.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yep.
(man laughing)
(man's laugh echoing)
(man yelling)
Let's change subjects.
This one starts on
the other side of town
with a group of poker
playing mobsters.
Set up you've seen
1000 times before.
Only this.
Has a twist.
(blues music playing)
(men laughing)
(opera music)
(men continue laughing)
Oh, oh, oh I got one,
I got a good one.
Why do Italian men grow
mustaches?
[group]
Uh.
So they could look
like their mother!
(group laughs hysterically)
- Their mother!
Their mother!
Hey! You know, Tony.
I mean, I'd fuck your mother!
(man laughs)
(men stop laughing)
You want to fuck my mother?
- Tony it's just joke.
- Yeah, it's a goof.
(laughing)
You son of a bitch,
you just see your face.
I got you.
(other men start laughing)
(music starts up again)
Oh my God, Tony!
Yeah man.
Nearly shit myself.
Almost shit my fucking pants.
(men still laughing)
Oh my God Tony.
[Tutti]
Coulda given me a heart attack!
Holy shit.
Whoo.
(dark orchestral music)
(men laughing,
the laughs become distorted)
What the fuck!?
You little shit.
(men continue to laugh)
(Tutti yelling in pain)
(punches)
[Tutti]
What are you guys doing?!
(muffled pleas)
(mobster)
Get in there.
Come on, get in.
(Tutti yelling)
(punches)
(music intensifies)
(punches) (Tutti yelling pain)
(musical stinger)
[Tutti]
Oh.
(Tutti groaning)
[Tutti]
Hey!
Hey guys!
Tony!
Tony!
(Tutti yelling)
(music on TV)
[Mobster 1]
Get up, let's go.
Get up.
[Mobster 2]
Hey!
Carmine.
How you doing?
[Tony]
Hey Carmine.
How you feeling you doing OK?
- Guys a...
Fucking legend.
She giving you a grape juice
every day?
[Woman] Drinks more juice than
Sammy fucking Sosa.
Hey ma, you remember Tutti,
don't you?
Yeah.
Hi boys, Tutti.
Are you staying out of trouble?
Wish we were.
Actually Tutti he said he
wanted to fuck you Ma.
Ain't that right?
Tell her.
- Tony come on this is
real fucked up.
I'm going to get-
- You ain't going nowhere.
[Tony's Mother]
Is that right Tutti?
You wanna pound me Tutti?
Ah don't be shy today,
just about an hour ago
you said that you wanted
to fuck ma,
pound the pussy and give it
to a real good.
Come on, get in there,
go fuck her.
Come on Tutti don't
embarrass me.
She hasn't been with a hog
in a long time.
Get in there and pound that
pussy and fuck her real good.
Come on show her what you got.
[Tony's Mother]
Come on, big shot.
Why don't you come on in?
Get this cream cheese factory
going, huh?
Come on, come get it,
I'm right here,
big boy I'm waiting for ya.
Get up all in.
Come on Tutti.
(Tony's mother egging Tutti on)
Balls.
This is some fucked up shit.
Shh.
[Tony's Mother]
Come on big boy!
[Tutti]
Alright I'm gonna fuck you.
[Tutti]
Yeah!
[Tony's Mother]
Yeah baby.
Yee haw, yee haw!
(Tony's Mother excited)
[Mobster 1]
Alright Tutti!
[Tony]
Atta boy Tutti get in there!
(Tutti and Tony's Mother
moaning)
Mama.
[Kristina] Getting full. [Sam] I
know this food is so good.
-It's so good, it's amazing.
- Right? This place is great.
and I'm just gonna go ahead
and say it right now.
This is going-
- Extremely well.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I was gonna say the exact
same thing.
- I mean, it's we're finishing
each other's-
- Sentences.
Come on with it, you're
killing me.
- This is so good.
- I mean honestly, it's so hard
to date here.
Oh yeah.
Last week I went on
a date with...
(whispering) a blind guy.
- Ohh! A blind, really?
- It was a blind date
literally yeah.
- Literally.
(both laughing)
Yeah.
I mean, obviously
there's nothing wrong with that,
but give a girl a heads up
like tell me, your tell me
you're blind.
Could have shot you a text
or something right?
- Yeah!
- Yeah or...
He couldn't. I don't know
do blind people text
I have no idea.
God, I don't know.
I've never thought of that.
- No idea how that works.
Guess I'll never find out
because I let him to go after
the first date.
- Oh yeah, yeah,
well, I guess he never saw it
coming, huh?
(Kristina laughs)
Right?
God, you're so bad.
(Sam laughing)
All right,
what's going on here?
Little bumpski.
Yeah, OK, sure I like cocaine.
(both laughing)
- Alright she's a part girl,
I guess.
- Yeah, yeah, just be careful.
Don't draw attention to it.
(snorting)
Oh well, that'll put
hair on your chest.
- Sure will.
- Just when I thought you
couldn't get any cooler.
(both laughing)
Aww...
You just snorted
my dad's ashes.
What?
Mmmm.
I said you just snorted
my dad's ashes,
So that is what you said, right?
I'm not...
Is that the joke name
you call cocaine, are you
playing with me?
No actual ashes.
I got-'em from the crematorium.
On Saint Clair Street.
- What the fuck are you
talking about?
- Oh it's nothing.
It's just that you snorted
my dad's ashes.
That's not nothing, sweetheart,
that's your daddy in my
throat right now.
Dude, I feel that.
- Well that's so great.
I'm so glad.
- It isn't that great.
It sucks.
You are so cute.
Is your hair naturally curly?
OK, you're a psycho, right?
[Kristina]
Psycho about you.
Oh...
That's so sweet.
I can't wait for the rest
of our date.
(Kristina laughs)
Yeah...Uh...
Soon as we get that check!
- Yeah where is she?
(sweet romantic music)
Ohh bowling could be fun.
Oh my gosh,
we could get ice cream
Oh my gosh Oh my gosh
I have to wake up early.
I am remembering in the morning.
- Oh no.
- Got that old shift.
Ugh, that's the worst.
- Yup.
Well, maybe Saturday night we
could do something if you're not
doing anything.
Maybe you know gonna
play by ear right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, alright, alright.
Bye, I'll see you later.
[Sam]
Bye!
[Woman] Excuse me, do you happen
to have a bookmark?
Yup.
But my name's not
Mark it's Sam.
OK.
You want your milk in the bag?
No, I think the carton
will be okay.
(chuckles)
(clears throat) Oh, I'm sorry,
that was awful, bags great.
Would you like to try our new
"Java Rama" coffee fountain?
It comes with five
different bold flavors that
will make you start
the day like a savage.
No, I think black's going to be
okay, but don't worry,
I'm not driving or anything.
Oh I did it again.
(sighing)
What the fuck is this?
Oh my...
God!
Ohhh you're gonna be alright
baby, you're gonna be okay.
Everything's cool.
Get some Java going.
What don't.
(exasperated sigh)
No, Sir,
no sir, no sir.
(car starting)
On your ass, buddy.
(laughing)
Ohhh.
So we are not going that fast
not in this neighborhood.
Not in this neighborhood.
Are you kidding me?
(car screeching to a halt)
What is he doing? Hold up,
I gotta film him.
(men laughing)
A little fast back
there ay boys?
Huh?
Where's the fire?
(Sam groaning in pain)
[Man]
He just, he stumbled!
(men laughing)
Hey.
Tubby, what's up man?
Hey smile for the camera!
We were going a little faster
for you there?
(men laughing)
- Dude, check this guy out.
- There's kids around here.
What's up man?
- Tubby.
What's up?
Hey!
There's kids around here.
There's kids around.
(in pain)
Oh!
(men laughing)
[Man 2]
Get up, there's kids around man.
There's kids around.
It's kinda weird though.
(men laughing)
(Sam groaning)
(phone ringing)
(Sam in pain)
(phone ringing)
You've reached Tina and Dad
leave a message.
(beep)
[Sam] Hey, uh, look who's still
not picking up.
Really wish you would have told
me about the side effects of
this shit, hmm.
Anyway, guess you found
your fucking address.
I'm on my way.
(thunder)
(doorbell)
(knocking)
(banging)
(door breaking)
Honey, I'm home.
I look like Ben
fucking Franklin.
(grunting)
(creepy music)
(music stinger)
(Sam in shock)
(Sam sighing)
Hey.
What the fuck?
Hmm.
I think I just asked you
a question, Missy.
Daddy, you're home early.
Yeah, well we finished up early
wrapped up and the ball said-
(Sam choking and mocking his own
words)
My God help me please!
God it's hot here, you hot?
How many times I'm going to say
it don't touch the thermostat
we're not heating the whole
neighborhood here, okay?
Dad!
But I'm chilly!
- Hey there chilly, I'm dad.
God, help me!
(Sam groaning)
(Tina laughing)
You're so funny.
You got to start answering some
questions, OK? Cause I'm...
You know, I've lost it fully and
and I just would really like to
counteract whatever the fuck's
going on with me right now and.
(in pain)
Oh.
Go to your room.
Now.
Get to steppin' sister.
I'm not playing with you
this time.
so unfair!
I didn't do anything.
(groaning and sighing)
(groaning)
Yeah, like that.
(snoring)
(snoring)
(startled)
(groaning)
Rockin' Robbin by Bobby Day
It's our song Daddy!
Fuck this!
(neck cracking)
(laughing)
Rockin' Robbin by Bobby Day
(song distorts and slowly stops)
(muffled voices talking)
Good God.
Hey.
(in unison)
Hey daddy!
Hey.
Nice set up y'all.
I dig the titties.
(men in unison)
Thanks daddy.
Let's get an apron on that boy.
(Dad's agree)
I like this one.
He's going to be good.
(Sam sobbing)
(intense techno music)
(ghostly voice laughing)
(ghostly voice laughing)
(voice laughing)
(Host laughing)
(Host laughing)
(music abruptly stops)
That was fun.
Rockin' Robbin by Bobby Day
(intense techno music)