Tiny Toons' Night Ghoulery (1995) Movie Script
[theme song]
We're tiny we're toony
We're all a little looney
And in this cartoony
we're invading your TV
We're comic dispensers
We crack up all the censors
On Tiny Toon Adventures
get a dose of comedy
So here's Acme Acres
it's a whole wide world apart
Our home sweet home
it stands alone
A cartoon work of art
The scripts were rejected
Expect the unexpected
On Tiny Toon Adventures
it's about to start
They're furry
they're funny
They're Babs
and Buster Bunny
Montana Max has money
Elmyra is a pain
Here's Hamton
And Plucky
Dizzy Devil's yucky
Furrball's unlucky
and Gogo is insane
At Acme Looniversity
we earn our toon degree
The teaching staff's been
getting laughs since 1933
We're tiny
we're toony
We're all a little looney
It's Tiny Toon Adventures
come and join the fun
And now our song is done
[eerie music]
smack
ooh
This evening's diversion.
A cluster of curious canvases
from Weirdsville.
Each peculiar painting,
a ticket to Strangeland.
That would be
one stop past Weirdsville.
Case in point.
The most gruesome,
heart-stoppingly
horrific image ever
to be framed.
It's my third grade
school photo!
Ahhh!
But I digress.
Here's something
almost as frightening.
A haunting helping of horror
and household appliances we call
'the Tell-Tale Vacuum.'
[lightning crackling]
[eerie music]
[Plucky]
Difficult, it is to say,
how the idea came upon me,
but come upon me, it did.
And once in my brain,
it grew, until finally
I was forced to act upon it.
Inside this,
the most horrible of dwellings.
Feet.
[Plucky]
The pig were a friend to me.
He had never slighted me
or given me
slight in the...slightestway.
[Hamton]
'Feet.'
[Plucky]
It was not he who raised my ire
and made my blood boil so..
Feet.
[Plucky]
It was his vacuum cleaner!
Oh, the whining of that motor!
Whenever it fell upon my ears,
my blood ran cold!
[dramatic music]
[Plucky]
And so, I decided my degrees..
Feet.
[Plucky]
...to take the life of
that vacuum
and be rid of it forever.
Ha!
[Plucky]
Mad, you say?
Crazy, you say?
Slightly imbalanced in the face
of opposition
you say, if you have the time?
Hmm?
Well, would a madman do this?
bla-bla-blah
[laughs]
Don't answer that.
Nevertheless, it was
in the dead of night
that my deed took place.
In the very chamber
where lying,
not only my pig friend
but the very item
that vexed me so.
[instrumental music]
Never hath a man,
or duck for that matter
been more stealthful
or sly in stalking his prey.
[whimpering]
thud
[grunting]
Eh!
Phew!
[intense music]
[mumbling]
Eh..
Bam!
Fetch a bucket, Luke!
Barn's on fire!
[snoring]
[Plucky]
I quickly made forth
to the object of my evil.
But oddly as I approached
it seemed peaceful,
it seemed harmless.
But then, it started.
The sound, the sound!
It quickly rekindled
my devious intent.
Yay, verily, forsooth,
and ignax.
The sound grew louder,
louder, I say! And more loud!
I calmly set about to carefully
dismantle the hideous machine.
[dramatic music]
Boom!
[panting]
I am not proud of what I did..
Well, maybe a little.
But the sound would
trouble me no more.
And my care in disposing of
the remains was so meticulous
so cunning, so...really
really good
that no one would ever detect
what had been done.
The perfect crime.
The blissful quiet
of the next evening
was matched only
by the calm I felt
knowing that my secret
was undetectable.
- 'Plucky?'
- Yes, oh my pig friend.
Have you seen my vacuum cleaner?
I can't find it anywhere.
What a shame!
I suggest you look high and low
for and aft,
hither and yonforth.
You may think me mad for
suggesting that he searched
but so confident was I
of my hiding place
that I had nothing to fear!
[eerie music]
It's no use.
I just can't find it.
Well then, my friend
let us sit and enjoy some
meaningless chit-chat.
I really looked
everywhere for it.
I don't know how I could
lose a vacuum cleaner.
[Plucky]
I listened to my friend
drone on, perfectly at ease.
[Hamton]
'It couldn't have just
gotten up and walked away.'
'That vacuum weighed
7.2 pounds.'
'And was one of the heavier ones
that had a light in front.'
'Well, there was one
that was heavier.'
'But it had an 8-watt bulb.'
'And mine had a 15-watt'
'which is odd, cause'
you'd think the small bulb'
'would be lighter, and the whole
machine would be lighter.'
'But nowadays they put all kinds
of different handle types.'
'And even the power cords that
could have a significant effect'
'on the weight on the machine.'
'Which they make up for
with power-assist drives'
'and fancy names like
Zoom-Vroom.'
'But there's nothing like
pushing a big'
'heavy vacuum across
some soiled shag'
'and hearing the little
blinkety-blink of objects'
'going around the meter bar,
and into the bag.'
[Plucky]
But ere long, I wished
his monologue to end.
There grew a ringing
in my ears. My head ached.
But still, my slyly friend
speaketh. Heh-heh.
And the ringing in my ears
grew more persistent
until I realized..
It were not in my ears.
It were... the vacuum!
Did he not hear it?
Louder it grew.
Louder and louder,
until it was loudly loud!
My pig friend chatted on.
Was it possible he heard not?
No no no!
He heard! He suspected!
He knew! And he was making
a mockery of my horror!
Oh! Anything was better
than this punishment!
Oh, what torture!
Oh, what misery!
Oh, what a feeling, Toyota!
Villain! Stop! Stop!
I admit it!
I did it! I did it!
[sobbing]
I did it!
[sobbing]
Here!
Here!
It is the whirring
of your hideous vacuum!
[sobbing]
You...you destroyed my vacuum?
Yes, yes, I did it.
[sobbing]
I tore it limb from limb!
Trounced, shredded, and sliced
into slivery segments!
[sobbing]
- Can you ever forgive me?
- Yes.
But you'll have to replace it.
Sure, sure.
Heh, heh. Anything.
Money won't be necessary.
[Plucky groaning]
- Are we done?
- No.
Now, it's time
for the attachments!
[dramatic music]
[eerie music]
[upbeat music]
Sneezer the Sneezy Ghost
The sneeziest ghost
you'll meet
Achoo!
From his nose
a wind he blows
And children think it's neat
He always says
Achoo!
His allergies are scary
He sneezes till he's blue
And blows away
his adversaries
Achoo!
Grown ups can
freak right out
When a mouse comes
in the house
He doesn't go Boo he goes
Achoo!
He's Sneezer
the Sneezy Ghost
Achoo!
[instrumental music]
If you don't catch that mouse,
my little kitty
you'll be back out
on the street!
[groans]
Now, catch that mouse!
vroom
Say, will you be my friend?
Will you? Huh? Will you?
Will you? Huh? Will you?
[cat screeches]
Aaah-aaah-aaah..
...choo!
crash
[instrumental music]
Gee, you wanna be my friend now?
Do you? Huh?
Do you? Huh?
[gasps]
meow
thud thud thud thud
Won't you please be my friend?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Aaah-aaah...choo!
[cat groaning]
Where are you, my new friend?
Huh? Are you around? Are you?
[upbeat music]
Aaahh...aaahhh..aaahh..
...choo!
[cat screeches]
[chuckling]
Oh boy! Now you're really gonna
be my friend, aren't you?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
gulp
'Aaahh...aahhh...aahhh...choo!'
I lose more friends that way.
[laughs]
He's Sneezer
the Sneezy Ghost
'Achoo!'
[instrumental music]
Our next story takes place
on the moors.
You ever wonder what exactly
they mean by moor?
What? Is it Mary Tyler Moore?
Oh, Mr. Grant!
Or maybe
they're talking about Roger.
Bond. James Bond.
Or maybe they simply mean
Dainty.
With bread dipped in gravy!
Whatever they mean,
I hope it's in this picture
because trying to figure
it out hurts my head
almost as much as my voice does!
[howling]
[signboard creaking]
[instrumental music]
Me mother had shingles
and me father had em' too
Me uncles and me aunties
and me lovely sister Sue
But shingles or not
I'll always smile never frown
It could be worse
don't you know
At least I'm not a clown
[applause]
Aye, bonnie.
That's the best rendition
of The Shingles Song
these weary ears
have ever heard.
Here, here.
[gibberish]
Paddy liked it, too.
Now, come.
Let's get you
a pint of cranberry.
- Aye.
- Thanks.
But I really
ought to catch up
with the Acme Loo tour group.
[howling]
[laughs]
They're gonna be so jealous when
I tell em' about this place.
- The Devil Dog!
- The Devil Dog!
[gibberish]
[intense music]
[all clamoring]
Here. It won't attack,
if it thinks you're an elk.
[howling]
[whimpering]
Keep your wits, man!
That's just what
the Devil Dog wants!
Now, listen, everyone,
just wear your antlers.
We're safe in here.
For now, anyway.
Excuse me. What are you people
talking about?
Evil, Missy.
Pure evil.
This town used to have
5000 people in it.
A beautiful place it was.
Everywhere you went,
people would say
"Hi" or "Hello"
or "Keep your pig off my land!"
A finer place never did exist.
And then, ten years ago
the first mournful howl
of the Devil Dog was heard.
Actually, it were Paddy that
first heard it, and seen it.
[gibberish]
When we found him,
he just kept saying
the same word
over and over again.
- Kibbel! Kibbel!
- Kibble, kibble, kibble!
- Kibble!
- No, no kibble.
That's when the worst
of it started.
Every time we heard that
horrible howl
we knew someone was..
Well, not around anymore.
'Cause they was..
...eaten by the Devil Dog!
[howling]
We'd be ate up as well.
But Sean here discovered,
quite by accident
that the Devil Dog won't bother
anyone who wears antlers.
[howling]
Can he get in here?
Oh, he'll get in.
He always gets in.
It starts with a howl.
Then a scratchin' at the door
that gets so loud
you can't stand it.
Scratchin' and scratchin'
and scratchin' and..
[howling]
It's here!
[screeching on door]
[whimpering]
[howling continues]
bang
[all screaming]
woof
[instrumental music]
Hardy-har-har.
That's the Devil Dog?
Aye, be still as an elk,
or he'll gobble you!
- Kibble, kibble.
- People, come on!
Get a life and live it!
Devil Dog. Sheesh.
No! Don't take your antlers off.
Puh-lease!
[Babs]
'Oh, okay.
I see what you mean now.'
[instrumental music]
[engine revving]
[whistling
"Tiny Toon" theme music]
[honking]
[intense music]
screech
crash
[comical music]
bang
[horn honks]
[man on phone]
'Police Emergency Line.'
'Hello. Hello?'
'Is someone there?'
'Police Emergency Line.
Hello.'
[honking]
'Oh, crazy kids
and their prank calls!'
[comical music]
[dramatic music]
[slurping]
[engine revs]
vroom
[instrumental
"Tiny Toon" theme]
meep meep
[instrumental music]
And now, a study in stone.
A portrait in panic
as a lackluster lawyer
meets his match in..
Let me guess.
Could it be...Satan?
Just introduce the cartoon!
It is said, the great lawyer
Daniel Webfoot
was such a brilliant speaker.
That he could win a case
against the Devil himself.
Me? I'll take my chances
with Jacoby and Meyers.
[blowing raspberry]
[instrumental music]
Make haste, friend Hamton.
I hear our good neighbor
Jabez Monty is in sorrowful need
of my council.
Are you ever gonna talk normal
in this special, Plucky?
Just stick to the script,
Ham-bone!
It's true, Daniel Webfoot.
Look a-yonder!
[laughing]
[fire blazing]
Hmmm. Either Monty sold his soul
to the devil
or Shannon Doherty's
spending the night.
It's midnight, neighbor Monty.
- Time to go.
- No! Please, Mr. Scratch.
Spare me.
Back, foul fiend!
You shall not have this man!
This American.
Tell me, O Prince of Darkness
what price can you put
on a free American soul?
Well, Monty sold his
for ten million dollars.
Bah! Kipple! A man is not mere
chattle to be purchased by..
Te-te-te-te-ten, ten million?
Ten million?
A man's gotta eat.
Say, Scratchy, as long as
we're talking money here, um
I know a good,
slightly tarnished soul
a steal at only 20 mill.
I wouldn't give you 40 cents
in recyclable cans.
Fine! Then I'll see you
in court! Bielsen, bub!
As you wish.
But Ichoose the jury.
[thunder rumbles]
[rumbling]
[intense music]
Behold!
A jury made
from the most vile scum
to ever walk the colonies!
'Pirates, thieves, traitors..'
'...network executives!'
I still say The Chevy Chase Show
could work.
- You can take him right?
- Ha! Of course.
- Can I get paid in advance?
- Oh.
Gentlefiends of the jury
my client, Jabez Monty,
is a good man.
- Ow!
- 'Eh, a decent fellow.'
- Hey!
- Okay, so he's a total louse.
But he's an American louse.
And he loved this green
free land of baseball,
apple pie, and Rush Limbaugh.
True, those are small things,
but they are good things.
Okay, Rush isn't so small,
but you get the idea, hmmm?
You were all men once.
You loved this country, too.
But were led astray by that man!
'That Demon from the pit,
and his load of false promises!
By what device, sir,
do you claim
ownership of my client's
immortal soul? Huh?
This contract, signed in blood!
Uh-oh.
How are you fixed for sunblock?
No!
'I'll get you for this,
you cheap shyster.'
Cheap?
Ha, wait till you get my bill.
Whoops.
- Ahhh!
- Woah!
[instrumental music]
Hey, where are we?
[gulps]
This looks like--
That's right, Mr. Webfoot.
Sooner or later,
most lawyers wind up here.
[evil laughter]
Ah!
[screaming]
Ain't I a devil?
[theme music]
bam
[groans]
In our next story..
These grand old funny men
find themselves surrounded
by mad cap monsters
and comical creatures
in the classic..
"Hold That Duck."
Everyone's a critic.
[instrumental music]
[eerie music]
Who'd have thunk
a cluck like you
would ever inherit a mansion.
Well, I guess my
dear old Uncle Mortimer
had a soft spot for me.
Yeah, a soft spot in his head.
Is that any way to talk to the
new lord of the Horsehead manor.
Ah, sit down,
what's wrong with you?
Excuse me, oh, villager?
Aye?
Ooh.
- Eye.
- Oh, now, stop it.
When are we gonna get
to Horsehead manor?
We're there.
[eerie music]
Th-th-that's my house?
No, that's the garage.
That's your house!
[lightning crashing]
Whoa!
vroom
Pull yourself together
for crying out loud.
This is as far as I go, says I.
Why won't you
take us to the door?
Things.
Things?
Things!
Things.
Yaow!
[intense music]
Here's two bits.
Get yourself a haircut.
Thanks, I will.
Hmhmm, things.
[lightning crashing]
[blowing a raspberry]
Nah nah nah-nah..
[lightning crashing]
Yaow!
Ah, come on.
creak
[door slams]
[eerie music]
Lights don't seem to work.
You stay here,
I'll go find a fuse box.
- Buster?
- What is it?
- Don't leave me.
- Oh, quit blubberin'.
You're fine. If you need me
just holler, "Oh, Buster."
- Oh, Buster?
- Right.
Oh, Buster!
Snap out of it,
behave yourself.
[lightning crashing]
[intense music]
[gasps]
[lightning crashing]
tap tap
[squeaking]
[lightning crashing]
[teeth chattering]
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster! Oh, Buster!
Oh-oh, Buster!
What? What is it?
There was a.. I.. Mmh! Big..
Whoa! Big, whoa, monster.
With the things in the head.
And with the.. With the..
[grunts]
And-and.. Oh, arms.
Oh, huge monster. Oh!
Calm down,
what's wrong with you?
I tell you,
there was a big monster!
Oh, stop it. Your imagining
things, now I'll be right back.
creak
[eerie music]
[whimpering]
Oh, Buster.
[faintly]
Oh, Buster.
Buster.
[choking]
Oh, Buster.
Oh, Buster.
Buster!
[eerie music]
Buster!
Buster!
What! What! What!
What is it?
Buster!
Buster!
I'm right here,
snap out of it.
Now it's the..
...the chair..
Oh, the big.
Oh, the big!
And the.. Aah! Aah!
And the cape with the.. Ooh!
With the cape.
Now listen, if you don't stop
imagining these crazy things.
I'll take you to a doctor
to have your head examined.
But I'm telling ya. I--
You're telling me
a lot of phony baloney.
Now calm down and wait here.
Oh, Buster!
Cut it out, I tell ya!
Oh, Buster.
[intense music]
click
[growls]
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Ah! Ah!
[mummy growling]
Oh, Buster! Ah!
Buster! Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Oooh, Buster!
[all growling]
[mumbling]
Buster!
Buster!
- Buster!
- Huh!
[Buster]
'I fixed the lights.'
[whimpering]
[gasps]
Cut that out.
What are you doin' up here?
I.. I.. They..
Oh, monsters.. Monsters!
Oh, with the wolf..
Oh, and it's hair..
And the cape..
Don't forget the cape..
And all wrapped up..
The mummy.. And..
[growling]
Pull yourself together.
Aren't you scared of monsters?
Of course, not. No.
[dramatic music]
Hi, cutie.
[screaming]
crash
[both screaming]
[all]
You're good.
It's my specialty.
[giggling]
The next time I say what I saw
you see what I said, that
I saw, that I saw what I said.
Alright.
[instrumental music]
[narrator]
Beyond fear.
Beyond terror.
Beyond our budget.
What began as an innocent day
in the country
became a night of horror
for the whacky land gang.
[clamoring]
[whimpering]
[growling]
[screaming]
Are you paying too much
for car insurance?
Hey, who's up for bowling?
Wanna see pictures
of my grandchildren?
[male narrator]
"Night Of The Living Dull."
I can show you how
to make lots of money
just by pacing
tiny classified ads
in newspapers
from your apartment.
- Scram.
- Ow!
[instrumental music]
[screaming]
Loose weight.
Ask me how.
Quick, out the back.
In the cartoon
"The Amazing Three"
there was a slight flutter
on Fifi's face in scene C43
and I wanted to know if that
was a deliberate in-joke
or just a mistake.
And when is Fifi gonna
get her own series?
[screaming]
[male narrator]
"Night Of The Living Dull."
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Hey, come back.
I have "Willow" on tape.
Squint your eyes
and look closely.
Yes, the intrinsic perplexity
of this disorder
demands an analysis
The painting Frankenmyra.
A myth, a legend?
Or simply the
horrible naked truth?
I'll take horrible naked truth
for 500.
[eerie music]
Finally, I, Dr. Frankenmyra
have all the parts I need
to create my creature.
The world's most perfect pet!
[laughing]
And I'm gonna hug him
and squeeze him
and love him into
teeny little pieces.
'Cause he'll be the
most bestest pet ever.
[laughing]
[laughing]
wham
Pull, Dizzygor, pull!
[eerie music]
They said it couldn't be done.
The fools, they called me mad!
Mad! Do you hear?
[laughing]
My ultimate petsy wetsy
is almost complete.
All that's missing is..
...the bwain.
Dizzygor, give me the bwain!
The obvious nature of this pun
belittles us all.
Ooh, I'll play with you later.
Find me a real brain.
The gushy-yuckhy kind.
Okay.
Spleen, pancreas, frozen waffles
nope, no brain.
Never mind, it's taken care of.
[lightning crashing]
[intense music]
Set up the kites.
Yes, doctor.
Are they up?
Uh-huh.
[machine whirring]
[music continues]
Excellente.
Now I shall unlock
the secrets of eternal life.
[lightening crackles]
Which would come in real
handy right about now.
It's alive.
It's alive.
It's alive! It's alive!
It's...choking me.
It's choking me!
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
Careful now.
Walkies.
Walkies.
"Oooh! look
at the cutie-wuties!"
I'm gonna love you
and squeeze you!
And dress you up like
Heather Locklear!"
Doctor, what brain
you give creature?
A little bit of my own. Hehe.
Open the hangar.
Here comes the Airplane,
babykinnikins.
Chew. Chew. Chew.
[gulps]
[instrumental music]
[electricity crackling]
Let's look all pretty-witty
to go see grandma-head.
Through the river and over the
woods to grandma's house we go
[gasp]
It's the big
bad Mr. Wolfie Head.
Bad wolf!
Bad! Bad! Bad!
[electricity crackling]
[gasps]
Look, nursie-wursie!
What fun, doctor! A patient!
The fuzzy wuzzy needs help!
I'll go wash up!
[instrumental music]
I'm gonna make you all better
and oh, so smarty,
pantsy-wantsykins!
Oops.
[mumbling]
[instrumental music]
[lightening crackling]
[mumbling]
You cute and cuddle-kins!
Gonna hug you.
What brain did you use?
'I created a monster!'
An airplane, a fairly
tame type of transport.
Unless, you consider
your flight attendant.
Today's movie is "Hocus Pocus."
[chuckles]
It's really good
Headphones, 20 bucks.
Or the person
sitting next to you.
Boy, oh, boy,
nothing like airplane food, huh?
[burps]
Wanna see my scar?
No, nothing scary there.
Unless, your luggage gets lost
or you can't remember
where you parked your Hyundai
or you get stuck
in airport traffic.
[screaming]
But fear not, for all we've got
is a gremlin on a wing.
[Plucky]
Plucky's log.
Earth date October 31.
Hampton and I, en route
to our destination
seem to have encountered
an electrical storm.
I have taken it upon
myself to reassure
and comfort the tender lad
for he has not the bravery
nor the courage
of one such as I.
[lightening crackling]
Don't worry, Plucky.
Flying is 70% safer
than driving.
45% safer than sitting
on a pile of scorpions
and it's 5% safer than
swallowing a tarantula.
[trembling]
You're so right, Hambones.
This craft, this beautiful ship
is our lady and we love her.
Yes, well I'll just try
to catch 40 winks.
- Goodnight, Plucky.
- Goodnight, Hampton.
Sleep long and prosper.
Uh.. Whatever.
[snoring]
Hampton is so right.
To be scared would be foolish.
Unmanly and illogical.
Now is the time to relax
unwind, to loosen up.
To watch the little
green gremlin on the wing
destroy the number four engine.
What?
[chainsaw whirring]
[dramatic music]
There are no such things
as gremlins.
Now, I wouldn't say that.
[instrumental music]
[electricity crackles]
Hampton, look.
There's a g-g-g..
A g-gremlin eating the engine.
Don't worry, Plucky.
Gremlins don't eat much gas.
They're a lot like pintos.
I'm not talking about
a cheap compact car.
There's a little
green man out there.
[whimpering]
Human, come,
quickly. Help!
[bell ringing]
How may I help you?
There's a little green
man on the wing, look!
But he was there,
just a second ago.
Do we need something to
calm our little selves down?
No, wait, I..
Beam me up, Scotty.
Perhaps the human is right.
I'll just calm down.
Gotta get a grip on myself.
There couldn't possibly be
a gremlin out there.
[intense music]
Well, it ain't Montel Williams!
[screams]
But I.. He.. You..
wham wham wham
Warp factor 3, Mr. Sulu.
[humming]
Hammy, please, in the name
of Rottenberry, look, quick!
Plucky, will you calm down?
[instrumental music]
Oh, fiddle-dee dee.
Must stop him.
Must save ship.
[dramatic music]
[gasps]
[grunts]
[screaming]
[grunting]
Excuse me, Mr. Duck.
But do you have a light?
Why, certainly,
here you go, little fella.
Thank you, kind sir.
What a polite, young gremlin.
What am I doing?
[screaming]
Goodbye, Mr. Duck.
[instrumental music]
[intense music]
[instrumental music]
Everyone's safe now, Plucky.
I know, but I'm the only one
who knows, why.
Mm, well now,
I wouldn't say that.
[theme music]
We're tiny we're toony
We're all a little looney
And in this cartoony
we're invading your TV
We're comic dispensers
We crack up all the censors
On Tiny Toon Adventures
get a dose of comedy
So here's Acme Acres
it's a whole wide world apart
Our home sweet home
it stands alone
A cartoon work of art
The scripts were rejected
Expect the unexpected
On Tiny Toon Adventures
it's about to start
They're furry
they're funny
They're Babs
and Buster Bunny
Montana Max has money
Elmyra is a pain
Here's Hamton
And Plucky
Dizzy Devil's yucky
Furrball's unlucky
and Gogo is insane
At Acme Looniversity
we earn our toon degree
The teaching staff's been
getting laughs since 1933
We're tiny
we're toony
We're all a little looney
It's Tiny Toon Adventures
come and join the fun
And now our song is done
[eerie music]
smack
ooh
This evening's diversion.
A cluster of curious canvases
from Weirdsville.
Each peculiar painting,
a ticket to Strangeland.
That would be
one stop past Weirdsville.
Case in point.
The most gruesome,
heart-stoppingly
horrific image ever
to be framed.
It's my third grade
school photo!
Ahhh!
But I digress.
Here's something
almost as frightening.
A haunting helping of horror
and household appliances we call
'the Tell-Tale Vacuum.'
[lightning crackling]
[eerie music]
[Plucky]
Difficult, it is to say,
how the idea came upon me,
but come upon me, it did.
And once in my brain,
it grew, until finally
I was forced to act upon it.
Inside this,
the most horrible of dwellings.
Feet.
[Plucky]
The pig were a friend to me.
He had never slighted me
or given me
slight in the...slightestway.
[Hamton]
'Feet.'
[Plucky]
It was not he who raised my ire
and made my blood boil so..
Feet.
[Plucky]
It was his vacuum cleaner!
Oh, the whining of that motor!
Whenever it fell upon my ears,
my blood ran cold!
[dramatic music]
[Plucky]
And so, I decided my degrees..
Feet.
[Plucky]
...to take the life of
that vacuum
and be rid of it forever.
Ha!
[Plucky]
Mad, you say?
Crazy, you say?
Slightly imbalanced in the face
of opposition
you say, if you have the time?
Hmm?
Well, would a madman do this?
bla-bla-blah
[laughs]
Don't answer that.
Nevertheless, it was
in the dead of night
that my deed took place.
In the very chamber
where lying,
not only my pig friend
but the very item
that vexed me so.
[instrumental music]
Never hath a man,
or duck for that matter
been more stealthful
or sly in stalking his prey.
[whimpering]
thud
[grunting]
Eh!
Phew!
[intense music]
[mumbling]
Eh..
Bam!
Fetch a bucket, Luke!
Barn's on fire!
[snoring]
[Plucky]
I quickly made forth
to the object of my evil.
But oddly as I approached
it seemed peaceful,
it seemed harmless.
But then, it started.
The sound, the sound!
It quickly rekindled
my devious intent.
Yay, verily, forsooth,
and ignax.
The sound grew louder,
louder, I say! And more loud!
I calmly set about to carefully
dismantle the hideous machine.
[dramatic music]
Boom!
[panting]
I am not proud of what I did..
Well, maybe a little.
But the sound would
trouble me no more.
And my care in disposing of
the remains was so meticulous
so cunning, so...really
really good
that no one would ever detect
what had been done.
The perfect crime.
The blissful quiet
of the next evening
was matched only
by the calm I felt
knowing that my secret
was undetectable.
- 'Plucky?'
- Yes, oh my pig friend.
Have you seen my vacuum cleaner?
I can't find it anywhere.
What a shame!
I suggest you look high and low
for and aft,
hither and yonforth.
You may think me mad for
suggesting that he searched
but so confident was I
of my hiding place
that I had nothing to fear!
[eerie music]
It's no use.
I just can't find it.
Well then, my friend
let us sit and enjoy some
meaningless chit-chat.
I really looked
everywhere for it.
I don't know how I could
lose a vacuum cleaner.
[Plucky]
I listened to my friend
drone on, perfectly at ease.
[Hamton]
'It couldn't have just
gotten up and walked away.'
'That vacuum weighed
7.2 pounds.'
'And was one of the heavier ones
that had a light in front.'
'Well, there was one
that was heavier.'
'But it had an 8-watt bulb.'
'And mine had a 15-watt'
'which is odd, cause'
you'd think the small bulb'
'would be lighter, and the whole
machine would be lighter.'
'But nowadays they put all kinds
of different handle types.'
'And even the power cords that
could have a significant effect'
'on the weight on the machine.'
'Which they make up for
with power-assist drives'
'and fancy names like
Zoom-Vroom.'
'But there's nothing like
pushing a big'
'heavy vacuum across
some soiled shag'
'and hearing the little
blinkety-blink of objects'
'going around the meter bar,
and into the bag.'
[Plucky]
But ere long, I wished
his monologue to end.
There grew a ringing
in my ears. My head ached.
But still, my slyly friend
speaketh. Heh-heh.
And the ringing in my ears
grew more persistent
until I realized..
It were not in my ears.
It were... the vacuum!
Did he not hear it?
Louder it grew.
Louder and louder,
until it was loudly loud!
My pig friend chatted on.
Was it possible he heard not?
No no no!
He heard! He suspected!
He knew! And he was making
a mockery of my horror!
Oh! Anything was better
than this punishment!
Oh, what torture!
Oh, what misery!
Oh, what a feeling, Toyota!
Villain! Stop! Stop!
I admit it!
I did it! I did it!
[sobbing]
I did it!
[sobbing]
Here!
Here!
It is the whirring
of your hideous vacuum!
[sobbing]
You...you destroyed my vacuum?
Yes, yes, I did it.
[sobbing]
I tore it limb from limb!
Trounced, shredded, and sliced
into slivery segments!
[sobbing]
- Can you ever forgive me?
- Yes.
But you'll have to replace it.
Sure, sure.
Heh, heh. Anything.
Money won't be necessary.
[Plucky groaning]
- Are we done?
- No.
Now, it's time
for the attachments!
[dramatic music]
[eerie music]
[upbeat music]
Sneezer the Sneezy Ghost
The sneeziest ghost
you'll meet
Achoo!
From his nose
a wind he blows
And children think it's neat
He always says
Achoo!
His allergies are scary
He sneezes till he's blue
And blows away
his adversaries
Achoo!
Grown ups can
freak right out
When a mouse comes
in the house
He doesn't go Boo he goes
Achoo!
He's Sneezer
the Sneezy Ghost
Achoo!
[instrumental music]
If you don't catch that mouse,
my little kitty
you'll be back out
on the street!
[groans]
Now, catch that mouse!
vroom
Say, will you be my friend?
Will you? Huh? Will you?
Will you? Huh? Will you?
[cat screeches]
Aaah-aaah-aaah..
...choo!
crash
[instrumental music]
Gee, you wanna be my friend now?
Do you? Huh?
Do you? Huh?
[gasps]
meow
thud thud thud thud
Won't you please be my friend?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Aaah-aaah...choo!
[cat groaning]
Where are you, my new friend?
Huh? Are you around? Are you?
[upbeat music]
Aaahh...aaahhh..aaahh..
...choo!
[cat screeches]
[chuckling]
Oh boy! Now you're really gonna
be my friend, aren't you?
Huh? Huh? Huh?
gulp
'Aaahh...aahhh...aahhh...choo!'
I lose more friends that way.
[laughs]
He's Sneezer
the Sneezy Ghost
'Achoo!'
[instrumental music]
Our next story takes place
on the moors.
You ever wonder what exactly
they mean by moor?
What? Is it Mary Tyler Moore?
Oh, Mr. Grant!
Or maybe
they're talking about Roger.
Bond. James Bond.
Or maybe they simply mean
Dainty.
With bread dipped in gravy!
Whatever they mean,
I hope it's in this picture
because trying to figure
it out hurts my head
almost as much as my voice does!
[howling]
[signboard creaking]
[instrumental music]
Me mother had shingles
and me father had em' too
Me uncles and me aunties
and me lovely sister Sue
But shingles or not
I'll always smile never frown
It could be worse
don't you know
At least I'm not a clown
[applause]
Aye, bonnie.
That's the best rendition
of The Shingles Song
these weary ears
have ever heard.
Here, here.
[gibberish]
Paddy liked it, too.
Now, come.
Let's get you
a pint of cranberry.
- Aye.
- Thanks.
But I really
ought to catch up
with the Acme Loo tour group.
[howling]
[laughs]
They're gonna be so jealous when
I tell em' about this place.
- The Devil Dog!
- The Devil Dog!
[gibberish]
[intense music]
[all clamoring]
Here. It won't attack,
if it thinks you're an elk.
[howling]
[whimpering]
Keep your wits, man!
That's just what
the Devil Dog wants!
Now, listen, everyone,
just wear your antlers.
We're safe in here.
For now, anyway.
Excuse me. What are you people
talking about?
Evil, Missy.
Pure evil.
This town used to have
5000 people in it.
A beautiful place it was.
Everywhere you went,
people would say
"Hi" or "Hello"
or "Keep your pig off my land!"
A finer place never did exist.
And then, ten years ago
the first mournful howl
of the Devil Dog was heard.
Actually, it were Paddy that
first heard it, and seen it.
[gibberish]
When we found him,
he just kept saying
the same word
over and over again.
- Kibbel! Kibbel!
- Kibble, kibble, kibble!
- Kibble!
- No, no kibble.
That's when the worst
of it started.
Every time we heard that
horrible howl
we knew someone was..
Well, not around anymore.
'Cause they was..
...eaten by the Devil Dog!
[howling]
We'd be ate up as well.
But Sean here discovered,
quite by accident
that the Devil Dog won't bother
anyone who wears antlers.
[howling]
Can he get in here?
Oh, he'll get in.
He always gets in.
It starts with a howl.
Then a scratchin' at the door
that gets so loud
you can't stand it.
Scratchin' and scratchin'
and scratchin' and..
[howling]
It's here!
[screeching on door]
[whimpering]
[howling continues]
bang
[all screaming]
woof
[instrumental music]
Hardy-har-har.
That's the Devil Dog?
Aye, be still as an elk,
or he'll gobble you!
- Kibble, kibble.
- People, come on!
Get a life and live it!
Devil Dog. Sheesh.
No! Don't take your antlers off.
Puh-lease!
[Babs]
'Oh, okay.
I see what you mean now.'
[instrumental music]
[engine revving]
[whistling
"Tiny Toon" theme music]
[honking]
[intense music]
screech
crash
[comical music]
bang
[horn honks]
[man on phone]
'Police Emergency Line.'
'Hello. Hello?'
'Is someone there?'
'Police Emergency Line.
Hello.'
[honking]
'Oh, crazy kids
and their prank calls!'
[comical music]
[dramatic music]
[slurping]
[engine revs]
vroom
[instrumental
"Tiny Toon" theme]
meep meep
[instrumental music]
And now, a study in stone.
A portrait in panic
as a lackluster lawyer
meets his match in..
Let me guess.
Could it be...Satan?
Just introduce the cartoon!
It is said, the great lawyer
Daniel Webfoot
was such a brilliant speaker.
That he could win a case
against the Devil himself.
Me? I'll take my chances
with Jacoby and Meyers.
[blowing raspberry]
[instrumental music]
Make haste, friend Hamton.
I hear our good neighbor
Jabez Monty is in sorrowful need
of my council.
Are you ever gonna talk normal
in this special, Plucky?
Just stick to the script,
Ham-bone!
It's true, Daniel Webfoot.
Look a-yonder!
[laughing]
[fire blazing]
Hmmm. Either Monty sold his soul
to the devil
or Shannon Doherty's
spending the night.
It's midnight, neighbor Monty.
- Time to go.
- No! Please, Mr. Scratch.
Spare me.
Back, foul fiend!
You shall not have this man!
This American.
Tell me, O Prince of Darkness
what price can you put
on a free American soul?
Well, Monty sold his
for ten million dollars.
Bah! Kipple! A man is not mere
chattle to be purchased by..
Te-te-te-te-ten, ten million?
Ten million?
A man's gotta eat.
Say, Scratchy, as long as
we're talking money here, um
I know a good,
slightly tarnished soul
a steal at only 20 mill.
I wouldn't give you 40 cents
in recyclable cans.
Fine! Then I'll see you
in court! Bielsen, bub!
As you wish.
But Ichoose the jury.
[thunder rumbles]
[rumbling]
[intense music]
Behold!
A jury made
from the most vile scum
to ever walk the colonies!
'Pirates, thieves, traitors..'
'...network executives!'
I still say The Chevy Chase Show
could work.
- You can take him right?
- Ha! Of course.
- Can I get paid in advance?
- Oh.
Gentlefiends of the jury
my client, Jabez Monty,
is a good man.
- Ow!
- 'Eh, a decent fellow.'
- Hey!
- Okay, so he's a total louse.
But he's an American louse.
And he loved this green
free land of baseball,
apple pie, and Rush Limbaugh.
True, those are small things,
but they are good things.
Okay, Rush isn't so small,
but you get the idea, hmmm?
You were all men once.
You loved this country, too.
But were led astray by that man!
'That Demon from the pit,
and his load of false promises!
By what device, sir,
do you claim
ownership of my client's
immortal soul? Huh?
This contract, signed in blood!
Uh-oh.
How are you fixed for sunblock?
No!
'I'll get you for this,
you cheap shyster.'
Cheap?
Ha, wait till you get my bill.
Whoops.
- Ahhh!
- Woah!
[instrumental music]
Hey, where are we?
[gulps]
This looks like--
That's right, Mr. Webfoot.
Sooner or later,
most lawyers wind up here.
[evil laughter]
Ah!
[screaming]
Ain't I a devil?
[theme music]
bam
[groans]
In our next story..
These grand old funny men
find themselves surrounded
by mad cap monsters
and comical creatures
in the classic..
"Hold That Duck."
Everyone's a critic.
[instrumental music]
[eerie music]
Who'd have thunk
a cluck like you
would ever inherit a mansion.
Well, I guess my
dear old Uncle Mortimer
had a soft spot for me.
Yeah, a soft spot in his head.
Is that any way to talk to the
new lord of the Horsehead manor.
Ah, sit down,
what's wrong with you?
Excuse me, oh, villager?
Aye?
Ooh.
- Eye.
- Oh, now, stop it.
When are we gonna get
to Horsehead manor?
We're there.
[eerie music]
Th-th-that's my house?
No, that's the garage.
That's your house!
[lightning crashing]
Whoa!
vroom
Pull yourself together
for crying out loud.
This is as far as I go, says I.
Why won't you
take us to the door?
Things.
Things?
Things!
Things.
Yaow!
[intense music]
Here's two bits.
Get yourself a haircut.
Thanks, I will.
Hmhmm, things.
[lightning crashing]
[blowing a raspberry]
Nah nah nah-nah..
[lightning crashing]
Yaow!
Ah, come on.
creak
[door slams]
[eerie music]
Lights don't seem to work.
You stay here,
I'll go find a fuse box.
- Buster?
- What is it?
- Don't leave me.
- Oh, quit blubberin'.
You're fine. If you need me
just holler, "Oh, Buster."
- Oh, Buster?
- Right.
Oh, Buster!
Snap out of it,
behave yourself.
[lightning crashing]
[intense music]
[gasps]
[lightning crashing]
tap tap
[squeaking]
[lightning crashing]
[teeth chattering]
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster! Oh, Buster!
Oh-oh, Buster!
What? What is it?
There was a.. I.. Mmh! Big..
Whoa! Big, whoa, monster.
With the things in the head.
And with the.. With the..
[grunts]
And-and.. Oh, arms.
Oh, huge monster. Oh!
Calm down,
what's wrong with you?
I tell you,
there was a big monster!
Oh, stop it. Your imagining
things, now I'll be right back.
creak
[eerie music]
[whimpering]
Oh, Buster.
[faintly]
Oh, Buster.
Buster.
[choking]
Oh, Buster.
Oh, Buster.
Buster!
[eerie music]
Buster!
Buster!
What! What! What!
What is it?
Buster!
Buster!
I'm right here,
snap out of it.
Now it's the..
...the chair..
Oh, the big.
Oh, the big!
And the.. Aah! Aah!
And the cape with the.. Ooh!
With the cape.
Now listen, if you don't stop
imagining these crazy things.
I'll take you to a doctor
to have your head examined.
But I'm telling ya. I--
You're telling me
a lot of phony baloney.
Now calm down and wait here.
Oh, Buster!
Cut it out, I tell ya!
Oh, Buster.
[intense music]
click
[growls]
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Ah! Ah!
[mummy growling]
Oh, Buster! Ah!
Buster! Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Oh, Buster!
Oooh, Buster!
[all growling]
[mumbling]
Buster!
Buster!
- Buster!
- Huh!
[Buster]
'I fixed the lights.'
[whimpering]
[gasps]
Cut that out.
What are you doin' up here?
I.. I.. They..
Oh, monsters.. Monsters!
Oh, with the wolf..
Oh, and it's hair..
And the cape..
Don't forget the cape..
And all wrapped up..
The mummy.. And..
[growling]
Pull yourself together.
Aren't you scared of monsters?
Of course, not. No.
[dramatic music]
Hi, cutie.
[screaming]
crash
[both screaming]
[all]
You're good.
It's my specialty.
[giggling]
The next time I say what I saw
you see what I said, that
I saw, that I saw what I said.
Alright.
[instrumental music]
[narrator]
Beyond fear.
Beyond terror.
Beyond our budget.
What began as an innocent day
in the country
became a night of horror
for the whacky land gang.
[clamoring]
[whimpering]
[growling]
[screaming]
Are you paying too much
for car insurance?
Hey, who's up for bowling?
Wanna see pictures
of my grandchildren?
[male narrator]
"Night Of The Living Dull."
I can show you how
to make lots of money
just by pacing
tiny classified ads
in newspapers
from your apartment.
- Scram.
- Ow!
[instrumental music]
[screaming]
Loose weight.
Ask me how.
Quick, out the back.
In the cartoon
"The Amazing Three"
there was a slight flutter
on Fifi's face in scene C43
and I wanted to know if that
was a deliberate in-joke
or just a mistake.
And when is Fifi gonna
get her own series?
[screaming]
[male narrator]
"Night Of The Living Dull."
Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Hey, come back.
I have "Willow" on tape.
Squint your eyes
and look closely.
Yes, the intrinsic perplexity
of this disorder
demands an analysis
The painting Frankenmyra.
A myth, a legend?
Or simply the
horrible naked truth?
I'll take horrible naked truth
for 500.
[eerie music]
Finally, I, Dr. Frankenmyra
have all the parts I need
to create my creature.
The world's most perfect pet!
[laughing]
And I'm gonna hug him
and squeeze him
and love him into
teeny little pieces.
'Cause he'll be the
most bestest pet ever.
[laughing]
[laughing]
wham
Pull, Dizzygor, pull!
[eerie music]
They said it couldn't be done.
The fools, they called me mad!
Mad! Do you hear?
[laughing]
My ultimate petsy wetsy
is almost complete.
All that's missing is..
...the bwain.
Dizzygor, give me the bwain!
The obvious nature of this pun
belittles us all.
Ooh, I'll play with you later.
Find me a real brain.
The gushy-yuckhy kind.
Okay.
Spleen, pancreas, frozen waffles
nope, no brain.
Never mind, it's taken care of.
[lightning crashing]
[intense music]
Set up the kites.
Yes, doctor.
Are they up?
Uh-huh.
[machine whirring]
[music continues]
Excellente.
Now I shall unlock
the secrets of eternal life.
[lightening crackles]
Which would come in real
handy right about now.
It's alive.
It's alive.
It's alive! It's alive!
It's...choking me.
It's choking me!
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
Careful now.
Walkies.
Walkies.
"Oooh! look
at the cutie-wuties!"
I'm gonna love you
and squeeze you!
And dress you up like
Heather Locklear!"
Doctor, what brain
you give creature?
A little bit of my own. Hehe.
Open the hangar.
Here comes the Airplane,
babykinnikins.
Chew. Chew. Chew.
[gulps]
[instrumental music]
[electricity crackling]
Let's look all pretty-witty
to go see grandma-head.
Through the river and over the
woods to grandma's house we go
[gasp]
It's the big
bad Mr. Wolfie Head.
Bad wolf!
Bad! Bad! Bad!
[electricity crackling]
[gasps]
Look, nursie-wursie!
What fun, doctor! A patient!
The fuzzy wuzzy needs help!
I'll go wash up!
[instrumental music]
I'm gonna make you all better
and oh, so smarty,
pantsy-wantsykins!
Oops.
[mumbling]
[instrumental music]
[lightening crackling]
[mumbling]
You cute and cuddle-kins!
Gonna hug you.
What brain did you use?
'I created a monster!'
An airplane, a fairly
tame type of transport.
Unless, you consider
your flight attendant.
Today's movie is "Hocus Pocus."
[chuckles]
It's really good
Headphones, 20 bucks.
Or the person
sitting next to you.
Boy, oh, boy,
nothing like airplane food, huh?
[burps]
Wanna see my scar?
No, nothing scary there.
Unless, your luggage gets lost
or you can't remember
where you parked your Hyundai
or you get stuck
in airport traffic.
[screaming]
But fear not, for all we've got
is a gremlin on a wing.
[Plucky]
Plucky's log.
Earth date October 31.
Hampton and I, en route
to our destination
seem to have encountered
an electrical storm.
I have taken it upon
myself to reassure
and comfort the tender lad
for he has not the bravery
nor the courage
of one such as I.
[lightening crackling]
Don't worry, Plucky.
Flying is 70% safer
than driving.
45% safer than sitting
on a pile of scorpions
and it's 5% safer than
swallowing a tarantula.
[trembling]
You're so right, Hambones.
This craft, this beautiful ship
is our lady and we love her.
Yes, well I'll just try
to catch 40 winks.
- Goodnight, Plucky.
- Goodnight, Hampton.
Sleep long and prosper.
Uh.. Whatever.
[snoring]
Hampton is so right.
To be scared would be foolish.
Unmanly and illogical.
Now is the time to relax
unwind, to loosen up.
To watch the little
green gremlin on the wing
destroy the number four engine.
What?
[chainsaw whirring]
[dramatic music]
There are no such things
as gremlins.
Now, I wouldn't say that.
[instrumental music]
[electricity crackles]
Hampton, look.
There's a g-g-g..
A g-gremlin eating the engine.
Don't worry, Plucky.
Gremlins don't eat much gas.
They're a lot like pintos.
I'm not talking about
a cheap compact car.
There's a little
green man out there.
[whimpering]
Human, come,
quickly. Help!
[bell ringing]
How may I help you?
There's a little green
man on the wing, look!
But he was there,
just a second ago.
Do we need something to
calm our little selves down?
No, wait, I..
Beam me up, Scotty.
Perhaps the human is right.
I'll just calm down.
Gotta get a grip on myself.
There couldn't possibly be
a gremlin out there.
[intense music]
Well, it ain't Montel Williams!
[screams]
But I.. He.. You..
wham wham wham
Warp factor 3, Mr. Sulu.
[humming]
Hammy, please, in the name
of Rottenberry, look, quick!
Plucky, will you calm down?
[instrumental music]
Oh, fiddle-dee dee.
Must stop him.
Must save ship.
[dramatic music]
[gasps]
[grunts]
[screaming]
[grunting]
Excuse me, Mr. Duck.
But do you have a light?
Why, certainly,
here you go, little fella.
Thank you, kind sir.
What a polite, young gremlin.
What am I doing?
[screaming]
Goodbye, Mr. Duck.
[instrumental music]
[intense music]
[instrumental music]
Everyone's safe now, Plucky.
I know, but I'm the only one
who knows, why.
Mm, well now,
I wouldn't say that.
[theme music]