Tiptoes (2002) Movie Script
1
Whoo!
(PRETTY ONE PLAYING)
(TURNS MUSIC DOWN)
Nice.
Thanks.
I don't know how in
the hell you work this way,
but...
It relaxes me.
Here,
let me fix your tie.
Try not to get paint on me.
Relax, okay?
(INHALES LOUDLY)
Hmm, what are you
going to do tonight?
Just going to hang out?
Uh, like you really care.
Don't start with me.
I'm not.
You are.
Now, I told you
about this weeks ago.
Remember?
(SCOFFS)
What?
What?
You got a little something
going on the side, Steven?
Hmm? You can tell me.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I got something
going on the side.
It's called family,
and I cannot
get out of it, okay?
How many times
you want to hear that?
You know what?
Your family fucked up
or something?
Hmm? Is that why you're
being so secretive?
Hey, you just trust me, okay?
(PANTS UNZIPPING)
Do not get paint on me.
Okay.
Sweetie...(CLEARS THROAT)
I've got to get going, now.
What? Right this second?
Yes. Right this second.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Have yourself a real ball.
Get out of here.
(CHUCKLES)
You're a wonderfully
cruel woman.
You talk about the weather
As if we weren't together
Why don't you look up
And see
I can't even
take a piss straight.
I'm vibrating
to fucking death here.
Shut up, Rolfe.
You're driving me crazy.
You diminutive French snail.
You know, Maurice?
You're the one who said
we could do it in eight hours.
I could have walked faster.
That is your problem
for going so slow.
You need to cool.
(WOMAN YELLING)
Come on, you bastard!
(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)
What are you stopping for?
Go on ahead.
I'll catch up with you.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(WHISTLING)
(DRUM SOLO PLAYING)
KITTY: Steven.
Good to see you.
Jerry Robin Jr.
I have known so many
little people professionally,
but what I didn't know
is there are
over 100,000 little people
in North America alone.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Mom.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Late.
I'm not that late.
Hello, Steven.
Where's your brother?
What? He's not here yet?
I can't believe he would
be late to a convention.
Something must be wrong.
There's nothing wrong.
How you doing, girls?
Your favorite, dear, egg salad.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Wow.
And now, let's cut that rug
courtesy of The Lobsters.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, everybody. Hello, girls.
How you doing tonight, Steven?
Doing the best I can, Bobby.
How about yourself?
Doing all right. Thank you.
Hey, Bobby,
do you see this blonde
coming up here?
Oh yeah.
She's been asking us
to introduce you to her
since the last convention.
No kidding?
She's an ice skater
in one of those shows.
- Holiday...
- Holiday On Ice.
Kitty! Bobby, say hello
to the indomitable
Miss Kitty Katz.
Well, hello, Mr. President.
The pleasure's mine.
See her tits?
Hello, ladies.
My daughters.
Why don't you girls
go out and dance
and have some fun?
Yeah, girls.
You ready?
Let's cut a rug.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
You too.
I could use a good stiff one.
- Oh, I mean a cocktail.
- (CHUCKLES)
(MAN WHISTLES)
Hey, Steven!
Over here!
Hey, Rolfe!
Rolfie...
My friend,
you are in the doghouse.
Mom and Pop are pissed.
That's great.
Steven, this is Maurice.
Maurice is an asshole.
Bonjour.
Hey, the asshole
is the strongest muscle
in the human body.
Do you think there's
any food left?
Oh, man, I really
couldn't tell you, man.
My name's Lucy.
Hi, Lucy.
Hey, don't, don't go
ripping off food now.
Hey, you can't steal food.
Food's from God.
It's plentiful.
God wants me to eat.
Come on. Let's go.
What the fuck's going on, man?
You want to go grab
a drink somewhere?
No. I'm kind of tired. I...
What about tomorrow?
Oh, man, I can't tomorrow.
Tonight's my last night.
I've got a class
I've got to put through
finals all week.
(LUCY TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
What's the story anyway, man?
What the hell happened?
Where you been?
That's what happened.
What do you mean,
that's what happened?
- You drove this thing
400 miles?
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, Maurice builds them,
and I can't afford to put
out for a car right now,
so I figured, what the hell?
Hey, you laugh, man.
It got me here.
Man, give mom and dad a call,
let 'em know you're all right.
And for Christ sake
don't let them know you're
riding around on this thing.
Mom'll shit.
Yeah, well, don't you
go telling them either.
Don't I go telling them?
MAURICE: Assholes!
All of you, fucking assholes!
Where you staying tonight?
We're going to find
a cheap motel,
and then I'm going
to give Sally a holler...
Ah...
Sack over there
for a few nights.
Yeah, you might as well
get used to it.
You two are going to
end up together
no matter what happens.
(GLASS BREAKING)
They alleged that we were
stealing food.
- It's good to see you, man.
- Yeah.
And try and make it
a little sooner next time.
We can shake it up a little bit.
I know. Well, next year.
Have a good time
with Sally, buddy.
You know where to find me.
Careful, buddy.
So did you have good time?
Was it everything you expected?
Hmm, it was okay.
Whatever it was. (CHUCKLES)
- Steven?
- Hmm?
I don't want us keeping
secrets from each other.
Maybe, it's too late
to start obsessing, okay?
You're the one making it happen.
Would you just let it go, okay?
I can't.
You're playing me.
I know it.
I just can't figure out why.
You do not think that
I'm seeing someone?
No, of course not.
Hey, you know how
we're always talking
about our future
and what we're gonna do
and where we're gonna live...
- Yeah.
- And all that other stuff?
Can we talk about this later?
No, we need to talk, Steven.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Carol, all right.
CAROL: Mmm-hmm.
(WHISPERING) This better not
be an all-night marathon
or I am going to kill you.
No, it won't. I promise.
All right.
What do you got then?
(CHUCKLES) Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I think maybe I'm pregnant.
Oh, Man.
We've been using protection.
Yeah, except for those
two or three times a week
when you wake me up
in the middle of the night,
and don't tell me
you don't remember, either.
I thought
you wanted kids, Steven?
Yeah, but not right
this second. No.
Just tell me what you feel.
Well, I'm not going to
tell you I'm thrilled
about an unplanned pregnancy,
all right?
(SIGHS)
I thought you'd be okay
with this.
We've talked about it,
like, a million times.
Yeah, for the future.
I mean, this is a huge step.
Yeah, but...
these are our baby years,
Steven.
Let's just do it.
Jesus Christ, Carol, I mean...
this is the sort of thing
that people talk about,
you know, before
they jump into it.
Well, that's what
we're doing now.
Yeah, after the fact.
It's done.
ROLFE: Whoa,
we're being invaded.
A menage a trois.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(CHUCKLES) I've never been
to Hollywood before.
Hollywood's a toilet.
Hey! Says you.
I feel glamorous
just being here.
She locked me out
of my bedroom, man.
Oh, that's sad.
That woman does it
to me all the time.
You got to get
a new woman, like me.
Hey, baby, what's up?
Jesus Christ.
(WHOOPING)
- MAURICE: Hello?
- Whoo-hoo!
(WHISTLES) Hello?
Hello?
Can we have a room?
See that sign?
We don't allow prostitution
in here.
You think I'm a prostitute?
Huh! Wow.
You didn't tell me
you were a prostitute.
Oh, man, she ain't a prostitute.
We just want a room.
I only have one room.
You have to share.
You only got one?
How much, man?
One lady,
and two little children?
Hey!
I'll make a special
price for you.
- 95 bucks.
- These are not my children.
Ooh.
Ooh.
(STRAINING)
You got any rubbers?
No, I don't, and if you start
fucking that girl
while I'm trying to sleep,
I'm gonna kill you.
(CHUCKLES) Then you put your
headphones on and face
the wall, my friend,
'cause tonight,
I'm feeling good.
I'm glad someone is.
Oh, God, I feel so much better.
I'm going to take a shower.
(HUMMING)
Hey, Lucy. You notice
how we stalk one another?
- (MEOWS)
- (CHUCKLES)
For you.
- For moi.
- Oui.
I like to drink.
It smells good.
Salud.
Oh, say, that's smooth.
What is this?
It's an original
creation of mine.
Imported cherry-flavored
morphine syrup from France...
and cognac.
Ooh...
I just wish I had
a fucking crepe.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
You're a very interesting man.
You're very direct.
I think you have
a lot of owl medicine in you.
(MOUTHING) Come here.
Come here.
You're so pretty.
LUCY: Hmm.
Oh.
- What?
- Fuck.
- What is it, your back?
- No.
Does your back hurt?
Here, stand up, stand up.
It's gonna be okay.
Look, here, ready?
- (CRACKING)
- Oh, God! Lucy, no. Ah!
Ah.
What did you do?
I adjusted you.
(PANTING)
Make another drink.
(GROANS)
- Here.
- God...
That is better. (CHUCKLES)
Mmm...
(MOANING)
MAURICE: Daddy's back.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, Rolfe, you want a cocktail?
In your dreams.
Hmm, it's okay, look...
He's got a prescription.
Yeah?
Well, that doctor he goes to,
he ought to be locked up.
(MOANING)
(SQUEALING)
(LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY)
- (GROWLING)
- (SQUEALING)
Now I'm real sore
and I'm real tired,
so keep it down...
MAURICE: Hmm.
And no smoking.
(MOANING)
LUCY: Shh, quiet.
MAURICE: Oh! Merde.
(LUCY GIGGLING)
Merde... (GRUNTS)
Fuck.
(GASPS)
Hey, buddy, are you all right?
(RETCHING)
Hey, Maurice.
What's the matter with him?
Uh, he's got ulcers,
a herniated disk.
It's just little people shit,
but he's just too stubborn
to take care of himself.
- You all right?
- Bed.
- Huh?
- Bed.
You're bleeding, man.
Oh, fuck...
You're bleeding.
I'm going to call a doctor.
Yeah, hello. Could you get me
the number, please, of
a Dr. Carl Morris in Encino?
(YELLING)
Rolfe!
No fucking doctors!
No doctors!
(MAURICE GRUNTS)
Jesus Christ, man.
I'm just trying
to fucking help you.
I'm getting out of here.
So hot.
(PANTING)
(DOG BARKING)
WOMAN: Who is it?
Hey, it's me, Rolfe.
- Rolfe.
- (BARKING)
Let me in.
Be quiet, Buster.
Oh, I wasn't sure
I'd ever see you again. Mmm.
Well, I'm back.
I saw your article in Harper's
about the Republicans.
Becoming very successful.
Yeah, well,
you need to get syndicated.
That's the ticket.
Oh, look at the little
love nest.
Come on, Rolfe. I don't have
a boyfriend, okay?
You know, I don't see two beds.
Well, he sleeps on the couch.
Lighten up, Rolfe. God.
We aren't close like that.
I let him fuck me twice, okay?
I felt sorry for him.
His whole family was evicted
from their apartment
in the Gaza Strip.
- I mean, how would you feel?
- (SCOFFS)
You know what, Sally?
You need to cut loose
from all this crazy shit
that seems to follow you around.
It wouldn't be like that
if we were together again.
Come on, Rolfe.
I'm ready for an
adult relationship.
Yeah, well,
it sure looks like it.
(DOOR OPENING)
- Sally?
- Oh, my God.
- It's Adrissi.
- Sally?
Let me come talk with him.
Uh-uh. You wait here.
(WHISPERING) Be quiet.
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
Uh, what are you doing here?
I have quit my job.
Adrissi, how do you expect
to get your own place
if you can't keep a job
more than one day?
Do not give to me
this shit, all right?
I just need money
for the bus now.
"Do not give to me this shit?"
Adrissi, I have to
pay my phone bill.
All right,
I will pay you back,
in your G spot.
Fine, I won't pay
my phone bill.
What do you care?
Rolfe, give me
a couple of bucks.
- Keep your mouth shut.
- (WHISPERING) Jesus Christ...
You... you... you need
some money, man?
How much do you need?
Who is this man
in your bedroom? Huh?
ROLFE: (STUTTERING)
Let's cut the bullshit
and you just tell him
what you just told me
and get it over with.
What is this man doing
in your bedroom?
It's none of your
business, okay?
So why don't you get
your shit together
and get the hell out
before I call the cops.
No. I want to know now
why this man is
in your bedroom.
Well...
It's because we are
going to fuck, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
(STUTTERING) Adrissi,
we're not fucking.
So get your unemployed ass
out of my apartment now.
But all those things
that you told me
in the darkness.
You said I was
the sexiest stud you had.
You opened your heart to me.
You better keep your
mouth shut, Adrissi.
You told me I was a hunk, Sally.
Shut the fuck up!
In a while, man,
- this ain't going to seem
like such a big deal.
- Rolfe, don't.
- You fucked Sally!
- (GRUNTS)
You fucking whore!
Ah! You've really done it now,
Sally.
No. You get out of my way now.
(GASPS)
Stop it. Get off of him.
Stop it.
(GRUNTS)
Get your hands off of him.
Stop it.
No. Get off of him.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
(GROANING)
Huh, I'm out of here.
But Rolfe,
you got to tell the cops
what he did to us.
You know what, Sally?
Why don't you tell the cops?
Wait two minutes
then look to see
if two visible lines
have formed in the tube.
Two visible lines
indicate a positive test
for being knocked up.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Let's go, Chuck. Let's go.
You think you've
got what it takes
to be a firefighter, Chuck?
I don't think so.
Come on, fat boy.
Didn't I tell you to lose
some of that blubber
four months ago?
Yes, I did and you have not.
How in the hell are you
going to be any good
to anybody else if you
can't put goddamn
dirt on a fire?
Stop. Get out the horseshoe
and get the hose.
Get your ass up the hill.
Your execution is piss poor.
Fires are still burning.
Not only are you slow,
but you suck at it.
You're going up
to the 18th floor, Chuck.
You've got a woman and child.
What?
What do you think you're doing?
What?
You're being a total asshole.
Take five, Chuck.
(BUZZING)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is Steven still around?
Oh no, he left already.
He'll be back in a week.
- A week?
- Who are you?
I'm Rolfe. I'm his brother.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm... I'm Carol.
Listen, Carol, do you think
I could come in?
I'm a little messed up
right now.
Yeah, I was going to
ask you about that.
Thank you.
You were attacked?
Oh, my god, you're kidding?
Does it look like I'm kidding?
Well, hey, come on.
Let me, uh...
So, what, you got
mugged or something?
You could say that.
A guy tried to kill me.
Judging from those
bruises on your neck
I'd say he was pretty serious.
Well, he's probably
in jail by now.
Um, so,
are you and Steven,
uh... blood brothers?
Well, you could
say that, we're...
We're twins.
Wow.
God, I... I can't believe that.
We've been living together
since last May.
We're getting married
in the summer.
Well, he didn't
mention anything.
No, but maybe
he wanted it to be a surprise.
Listen, um...
Are your parents, um...
What, little?
Yeah.
Steven, he's the big guy
in the family.
Listen, Carol, do you think
it would be okay if I...
I sat down for a while?
I've nowhere else to go
just at the moment.
No. Sure. Um...
Stay as long as you like.
I, um... I have to go
out for a few hours,
but I'd really like
to talk to you.
(SIGHS)
Oh, God, this feels good.
Would you like something
to eat?
Do you want some coffee?
Rolfe?
(CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)
Good morning, Romeo.
Hmm, bonjour.
How do you feel?
Do you feel better?
No, I feel like death.
That's great.
That's a great transition.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Maid.
I'm sorry. Please move along.
We're making a love
nest in here.
It's 3:00
and I want to go home.
Go away.
We are eating each other.
(GIGGLES)
Where's Rolfe?
He left because you
were mean to him.
(KNOCKING)
Check-out time is 12 o'clock.
(GROANS) Merde, I'll kill him.
You're paying an extra night.
Hey. Hey, what are you doing?
Put that away.
Open the fucking door
or I'm calling the cops.
Hey, you go away. You called
me a prostitute last night.
I heard what you said...
Open up!
Bastard! I have had enough of
name-calling, you understand?
(GROANS)
What the hell?
LUCY: I've had enough
of peace loving,
you understand?
I'm calling you a prostitute.
(GROANING)
You're a prostitute.
Come on.
Get your shit together.
You want to get pinched?
You were so beautiful out there.
Come on, Maurice.
Tres bien.
That's called the BA.
Now, you want to check
your regulator every day.
Now, rule number one
with the regulator is
never use oil in it.
You use oil in this regulator,
and you're going to end up
in a situation.
I'm gonna take five.
Carol, what's going on.
Is everything okay?
Your brother dropped by
this morning.
Did you drive all this
way to tell me that?
I think you could have
let me know that everyone
in your family is a midget.
Well, they're not
midgets, Carol.
They're dwarfs.
Whatever.
It suddenly occurred to me
that it's a genetic thing,
right?
Yeah, it's a genetic thing.
Okay, so just tell me.
If you and I
have a kid together,
is it going to be a midget?
Carol, don't say
midget, say dwarf.
Look, just answer
the goddamn question, Steven.
It's possible.
It's definitely possible.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Look, Carol. Hey...
If it makes you
feel any better,
I was going to tell you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So why didn't you?
I don't know.
I guess, I didn't think it was
that important, you know.
You didn't think
it was important?
Don't start passing
judgment on me, Carol.
Hey, I'm not passing
judgment on you, okay?
I'm just trying to understand.
Look, you know,
I honestly don't know why
I didn't mention it.
I guess I didn't think
it was the right time.
What's going on here, Steven?
Don't you want to be
in a relationship with me?
Where in the hell
did that come from, Carol?
You know what? You go ahead
and do whatever you want.
You do what you want.
What, you just don't care?
Now, you know I care,
you know damn right I care,
but I'm not going to sit here
and jump through hoops
because you're threatening me.
No.
Who's threatening you?
I was not threatening you.
You were. You know, this whole
will-to-motherhood thing,
Carol.
It's becoming
quite an obsession.
(SCOFFS) I thought that's why
we were getting married.
Look, there's other reasons
that people get married.
We could always adopt.
What, and never have children
of our own?
I just don't know if that's
gonna be possible.
What did you think I was going
to do when I found out
your family were all midgets?
Did you think
I'd just walk away?
Look, Carol,
you keep saying midgets,
you're going to piss
a whole bunch of people off...
I really don't care
about that stuff, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Would it really be that big
of a deal if our kid
was a dwarf?
Look, it's not something
you just walk into.
Well, you could have told me.
I've got...
I've got to go back
to work, okay?
I'll call you when
I get some time
to talk, all right?
(SOFTLY) Go home.
Okay...
Catch me if you can.
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe I didn't see it.
What?
What a treasure you are.
(GIGGLES)
Tell me where you come from.
Well, my body's originally
from New York,
(CHUCKLES)
but I've been commuting
for the last three years
in Phoenix.
- Phoenix?
- Hmm.
Tell me about Phoenix.
Well, my ex-old man, Jerome,
he used to whittle
wood jewelry.
See, he whittled all this
for me. He even whittled me
a wedding ring.
See the splinter?
(LAUGHS)
Then he turned really evil.
He was a truck driver
and those guys are all
on crank and there's those,
you know, transsexual
prostitutes that...
Anyway, he flipped out
and thought I was
an alien walk-in.
You don't want to
hear this story?
No. No, I do.
What?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- (SCREAMS)
- Hmm...
Oh, really? No, I...
I'm sorry you're lonely.
Yeah, well, maybe your...
Your security guard pal...
No, maybe he could come over
and comfort you.
No, really.
Sally, I'm not being snide.
No...
(CHUCKLES)
You know, okay, I'm a bastard.
All right. Yeah,
I'm a motherfucker.
I'm a dick, too.
Yeah, I'm a fuckwad!
I'm a fucking fart!
Sally, I'm going to hang up.
I... Sally?
I'm sorry. I, uh...
(SIGHS)
That was the girl
that tried to have me killed
this morning.
Oh, wow.
I guess you have good reason
to be cross with her.
Look, I'm sorry
if I acted weird this morning.
Oh, it's all right.
I was just in shock is all.
Meeting me.
I'm pregnant, okay? Um...
It was something
we were making plans for.
We just, uh...
We weren't planning
on it happening now.
Right. And, uh, Steven,
he never told you about me?
No, but Steven's
a normal-sized guy,
so maybe a child of ours
wouldn't be affected.
(SIGHS)
Well, I'm not sure
that's how it works.
Well, I mean, what do I know?
You know, I'm not a doctor.
I know some people,
though, who are, you know,
they'd refer you to
a specialist or something.
I could ask them.
Yeah.
Congratulations...
By the way.
Thanks. (LAUGHS)
You know, we could have just
gotten this information
over the phone.
Yeah, we could, but
what you need now
is a real support network.
Hope my Uncle Bobby
don't yell at me.
Huh?
Now, don't freak out,
it's not like
we're all dysfunctional
or anything like that.
Why's he going to yell at you?
I didn't make the convention
Sunday night.
The con... What convention?
It's a, It's a thing
for the little people.
It's kind of an annual thing
where they all get together
from all over the country
and they chat,
meet old friends,
you know, catch up.
Asshole.
We're here.
Rolfe's here!
My dad's in the backyard.
Okay.
Margaret, this is Carol.
Carol, this is Margaret.
Margaret's my cousin.
Hi, there.
Hi.
So, you and Steven
are getting married?
Yeah.
I think maybe he wanted it
to be a surprise.
Why?
Now that you're
expecting a baby,
having to grope around
in a fog of uncertainty.
If I have this baby
and it turns out to be little,
what does that mean
in terms of raising him?
There'll be rough patches,
there's no doubt about it.
But that's what life
is all about,
dealing with hardship.
If a person can't
deal with that,
then they can't ever be happy.
Would you have
had us again, Daddy?
I'd have to think long
and hard about that, kiddo,
long and hard.
- All right.
- (ALL LAUGH)
I think what Carol's
thinking about
is the medical aspects
of the situation.
Yeah, that's totally
what I'm thinking about.
Well, I can give you
a list of doctors to call
and provide you
with some literature
on organizations.
That's a good idea.
- Look at it
when you get a chance.
- I will.
Thank you. Thanks.
Look, Carol,
if you ever need anybody
to talk to,
I want you to call me, okay?
Yeah.
I mean it.
I'm sorry.
Sweetheart, you
don't have anything
to be sorry about.
I'm just so embarrassed.
Why on earth would
you feel embarrassed?
Oh, because here I am
questioning whether or not
to bring a person into
the world who's just like you.
Oh, God,
what that must sound like.
You're only concerned
about your baby.
That's natural, honey.
I just want my kid to have
a happy, productive life.
Of course you do.
There's nothing
about being little
that precludes being happy
or productive.
Yeah.
Look at us.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hi, Steven.
Hey, sweetie. How you doing?
- Okay.
- Good, good.
Have you been thinking
about things?
A little bit, you know.
I mean, it's been
pretty busy up here. Um...
Say, how'd it go with Rolfe?
He's asleep on the couch.
Well, good for him.
Good for him.
What? Is that a problem?
No, no. That's not a problem.
No problem at all.
We went for brunch
this afternoon
in your uncle's house.
God, they were so nice.
Bobby invited me to a party,
at Jerry Robin Jr.'s house
tomorrow night.
I was kind of hoping
we could all go together.
Tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Well, sure, Carol.
I tell you what. Why don't
I just meet you there.
Um, you know what?
My battery
is just about to die on me,
so I will see you tomorrow.
Sleep tight and sweet dreams,
sweetie. (PHONE CLICKS)
(DIAL TONE)
Okay.
(GRUNTS)
That was smart.
You want to go to a party
tomorrow night?
(GASPING)
That looks like the mothership.
- You look beautiful.
- Thanks.
You said these parties
got a little wild.
I never expected this.
Jerry sure can throw a party.
This puppy's loud.
You know, Jerry,
I think you might be
a little too old for me.
Too old?
Well, you done hurt my feelings.
Oh, excuse me.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, sweetie.
Ooh, have you been drinking?
No, silly. I can't drink.
I'm pregnant.
Yes, you are.
Listen, I want
to introduce you to a couple
of my students.
Darlene, Bernadette...
This is my fiancee, Carol.
- Hi.
- Hi.
That's my favorite dress.
(LAUGHS)
There's sure a lot of midgets
around here.
Um, actually,
it's little people.
There we go.
Look who's brushing up
on the terminology.
Is that Jerry Robin, Jr.
Sitting over there?
It sure is.
I'm going to get an autograph.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
You want to get
a drink or something?
I'd love to get a drink.
- Hey, Sally. Hey, Rolfe.
- Hey.
Hey, have you seen
Maurice and Lucy?
Oh, no, not again.
What happened to your eye?
He was defending my honor.
Yeah. Want to get a drink?
Yeah, sure.
MAURICE: That bourgeois shit
makes me want to vomit.
Do you hear me?
You don't approve of my methods
and I don't approve
of your methods.
Would you mind not
doing that, please?
Oh... Doing what?
Waving your finger
in people's faces. It's rude.
Hey, you better back off,
Goldie Hawn.
My man can do
what he wants to do.
MAURICE: Listen to me,
because I want you to know
what I think about
your organization.
You go
"We are the little people.
"Please, we are so cute
and cuddly.
"Don't discriminate
against us."
Our organization has
battled long and hard
to sweep away those
stereotypical images.
Another thing,
I think the term little people
is demeaning.
Carol, Sally.
KITTY: What sort
of political activity
do you suggest we create
once we disband
because we're so bourgeois?
What you people don't understand
is that political power,
it grows out of
the barrel of a gun.
KITTY: Yeah, right. Now you
want us to go out and commit
violence in the street.
We don't do that here.
Americans don't do that.
Oh, Americans...
Yeah, the people
that saved your ass
during World War II.
Oh, now you want to talk
about the fucking war?
Why are we talking to this guy?
He is very passionate.
Don't you patronize me.
- Yeah.
- KITTY: Who do you think
you are?
- I am French...
- MAN: Take it outside, Man.
And I'm proud to be French.
I'm proud not to eat
this disgusting swill
you people call cuisine.
I am proud.
- Excuse my friend.
- Fuck!
Fucking asshole!
Bobby is my uncle and besides
being my uncle, he happens
to be a great guy.
Ah, he is nothing.
Oh, fuck!
Who the fuck are you anyway?
Hey, I know who I am
and I know what I am.
I am a Marxist!
Who are you?
I don't want to hear about it.
Just, just lay off.
I don't even wanna see you
the fuck near him.
You got it?
Fine.
So have you known
Rolfe a long time?
Yeah. We used to date
in high school.
- Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.
He went to high school?
- Yeah. That was ages ago.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm just waiting...
What's the matter, Steven?
You got some kind
of identity crisis going on?
What are you talking about?
Why didn't you tell
your girlfriend about us?
What's it to you, man?
Okay, forget about us.
Forget about family.
You just focus on this.
You knocked up this great gal,
and you didn't tell her
that her baby's
probably going to be little.
Now, how the hell is that
any of your business?
Oh I'm sorry, I'm your brother.
You know and it hurts
like hell to think you're
so fucking ashamed of us.
Goddamn you, Rolfe.
Man, sometimes you are
so fucking full of shit.
- I'm full of shit?
- Yeah, full of shit.
All right, look,
just because I'm not
one of these guys
who has to bare his soul
to everybody I meet...
I'm not like you, Rolfe.
I'm sorry. I should have
been more careful.
I should have kept it in mind
that anyone who meets you
has got to just
automatically know
that you got a twin brother
who's a fucking midget.
You know, when she saw me,
she got it straight up...
And I just...
I just...
Introduced her to some people
who could answer
some questions for her,
and that's it.
Look, it's my life too, okay?
If you want to blame
someone for being nosy,
then blame me.
I needed information.
I made sure I got it.
Rolfe didn't do anything.
You don't have to defend me.
I can if I want.
I'm going to find Sally.
I'm going to take Sally home.
Look, you want me to drive you?
No. I'll take a cab.
Sally! Sally!
Are you mad at me now?
No, I'm not mad. I'm...
I'm just bewildered.
Look, Carol,
I wish I had some answers,
all right, but I don't.
All right? Not right now.
Come here.
Yeah, well,
it's been a crazy week.
Yeah.
Jesus, Steven.
It's going to be
all right, baby.
I'll make it up to you.
Just give me some time.
I...
I can't find her anywhere.
She's got to be
around here somewhere.
I saw Sally go over there
a little while ago.
Thanks, Augie.
Look, you go get the car, okay?
I'm going to help Rolfe
find his girlfriend.
Sally!
Rolfe? Hey, Rolfe, wait up
(COUPLE MOANING)
Whoa.
Oh shit.
- What's up, man?
- Oh, Rolfe. Rolfe...
That's it.
I'm done with you, Sally.
Rolfe? Rolfe?
Hey, Rolfe, wait up.
What's going on?
Rolfe just caught Sally
screwing Jerry Robin, Jr.
He's really broken up.
Shit.
(SIGHS) Let's just go, okay?
You got the ticket, sweetie?
Yeah.
Have a good night, sir.
Listen, can you wait for me
just a second?
Yeah, sure.
Say, man.
Carol told me what happened.
That was pretty fucked up.
What a bitch, huh?
I was stupid to think anything
could be different or change.
Do you think I'm stupid?
You're asking me
if I think you're stupid?
You're taking too long
to answer. Fuck you.
Come on. Get in the car
and come home with us.
I'm waiting for a cab.
Fuck the cab.
Come home with us, man.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
You've already been
on the sofa, haven't you?
Hey, you're awake.
What's going on?
I can't sleep.
Why? What's the matter?
It's not too late
to think about adopting.
Look...
I'm not one of those crazy
anti-abortion people, Steven,
you know that.
- Hmm.
- But I want this baby.
Having a fucked-up kid
is no bed of roses, Carol.
Hey, do not apply
the term "fucked up"
to our child, okay?
You know what I mean.
Well, what was Rolfe's
childhood like?
Did the other kids
give him a hard time?
No, not really...
But there are other problems
with being little besides
the social stuff, you know?
Like what, medical stuff?
Yeah.
I mean, when Rolfe was a kid...
He was in a lot of pain.
He used to cry all the time.
Why?
Being a little person hurts?
Well, yeah.
See, they've got...
They've got organs,
musculature, that's too big
for their skeleton.
Yeah, right, but they have
drugs for that, don't they?
Yeah. It's called morphine...
And sometimes,
they need surgery.
What do you mean?
Did Rolfe need surgery?
No, thank God. No.
Then what were
his teenage years like?
Rolfe as a teenager?
The guy got laid
two years before I did.
(CHUCKLES) With Sally?
Absolutely.
You should have seen those two.
They were hysterical.
They were like this...
this dysfunctional
old couple, you know.
This one time in school,
they couldn't have been
more than 15 years old,
it was between classes,
and Sally corners Rolfe
and she screams
at the top of her lungs,
she says, "Rolfe Bedalia,
you haven't fucked me
in five months!"
Oh, the principal was there,
all the kids were there,
you should have seen
Rolfe's face, man.
It was beautiful.
I was so god damn jealous
of that guy.
Have you ever been involved
with a little person sexually?
No. Just kids' stuff,
you know.
Mmm...
You know, all the kids
would come over,
we'd sit in a circle,
play doctor.
Oh, my God, we couldn't have
been more than ten or 12,
so that doesn't really count.
So you had a circle jerk
with a bunch of little people?
I would've loved to see that.
You would like to see that.
(LAUGHING) I sure would.
Are you sure
you want to do this?
Yeah.
I really am.
You sure you're not just,
trying to make some weird
political statement?
Oh, God.
What a peculiar thing to say.
I'm a peculiar guy.
I'm serious.
Look...
I think you have a lot
of ambivalence about
your family being little.
It's not healthy and I think
you should consider
getting some help.
Are you saying you think
I need to see a shrink?
God, there's nothing wrong
with seeing a shrink, okay?
Don't you see?
It's not a good thing
for a child if he's little
to have a father
who's ambivalent
about little people.
I hope you'll
at least consider it.
KATHLEEN: So, tell me, Carol,
what is it exactly
you do for a living?
CAROL: I'm a painter.
KATHLEEN: A painter?
What, do you mean like fine art?
Uh-huh.
Did you go to school?
Yeah, to the New York School
of Art and Design.
I'm impressed.
You mean, you make money
at that?
Yeah. It pays the bills.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lefarge.
- Welcome. I'm Steven.
- KIRK: How do you do?
- Very well.
- SYLVIA: Carol said
you were handsome.
Isn't he handsome? Oh, my God.
Y'all come on in.
How was the drive?
- Not bad. Not bad at all.
- Good.
- Mom. Dad.
- Hi, sweetie.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, honey, you look beautiful,
just beautiful. (LAUGHS)
So, um...
This is Steven's father,
Bruno, and his mom, Kathleen,
Um, and over behind the bar
is Steven's brother, Rolfe.
- Hi.
- How are you?
Everyone,
this is my mom and dad,
Kirk and Sylvia.
SYLVIA: Nice to meet you.
So, what are y'all drinking?
Let me have a Seven and Seven.
Sylvia?
She'll have a vodka tonic.
Vodka tonic coming up.
I'll help you.
So you want to come out back?
We're all set up out there.
Thought she might want a double.
You all right?
Mm-hmm.
So, there's pretty good money
in this firefighting business,
is there?
Oh, actually, I train cadets
to be firefighters.
You know, fires are
pretty much recession-proof.
- It's pretty steady, yeah.
- (LAUGHS)
Where'd you learn
all this stuff?
In the navy.
- You a Navy man?
- Yes, sir.
Well, what do you know?
A Navy man myself.
- All right.
- Where were you stationed?
Steven, get me some of that
barbecue sauce
from the kitchen.
Pop's pretty much a fanatic
when it come to barbecue.
(LAUGHING)
You could have
prepared us for this,
don't you think?
I didn't think it was important.
If you embarrass me,
I'll never speak to you again,
so get it together, Mom, okay?
Always the nonconformist.
How's everybody's drink?
Still working on mine, thanks.
Sylvia?
(CHUCKLES)
BRUNO: Where's
that sauce, Steven?
STEVEN: I'm on it, Pop.
Okay, everybody,
hors d'oeuvre time.
Everybody, please gather around.
I would like to propose a toast.
Hey, Rolfie!
To a very beautiful
young woman
and a very fine young man
who are very much
in love, and who, hopefully,
as the years go by,
will find the same
joy and happiness
that Steven's mother
and I have found
these past 30 years.
- Amen.
- KIRK: Hear, hear.
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
There once was a young
fellow from Sparta.
No, Kirk.
Who was a real whiz as a farter.
He'd fart anything
from God Save the King
to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He'd fart a gavotte
for a starter,
and then a Handelian cantata.
(MOUTHING) I'm so embarrassed.
Boost up his ass,
blast Bach's B Minor Mass,
and in counterpoint,
La Traviata.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That has to be the last one.
Obviously,
he can't drink any more.
Yes, he can.
No, no.
This is getting better. Yes.
No. Give him some water.
My God...
You have no idea what you're...
Yes, drink what?
You know, these steaks
are really delicious.
Genuine prime rib.
I had it brought in
from Omaha.
I'm stuffed like a pig.
Save some room
for dessert, Rolfe.
Oh, no, I can't.
I can barely breathe,
I'm so full.
Is everything all right, Sylvia?
Oh, yes. I...
I was just thinking is all.
Sylvia,
don't think.
I think that there's something
that we need to bring up
that you won't want to hear.
Mom.
I'm sorry, honey,
but this has to be brought out
into the open.
Now, I certainly wouldn't
want anyone to think
that we're prejudiced people.
Daddy!
All right, Kirk, you tell them.
You're a lot more diplomatic
than I am.
Well...
The, uh...
Fact of the matter is...
Uh, Carol's grandfather
is getting on in years...
Please.
And, uh...
He's an Orthodox Jew,
and he's never forgiven us
for going Reform,
so unless you can bring
yourself to have
a Jewish wedding,
would you at least consider
a civil ceremony, otherwise we
won't be able to invite him
I've got... I've got no
problem with a Jewish wedding.
Are you sure?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yeah, Mom?
Pop?
Carol?
Rolfe?
If he, he dies
before they get married,
can we switch back to Catholic?
(ALL LAUGHING)
RABBI: When a man and a woman
come together before God
and announce their intention
to come together
in holy matrimony...
May God bless
the men and women of Israel
in every generation.
Bless this bride.
Guide them on life's journey.
Look at that wedding dress.
That's a waste of
a wedding dress.
Look at that belly.
I would not kick her out of bed.
You're starting
to piss me off now.
Ah...
Enough with her.
But you love me.
All right, but you know what?
That should be us
down there, right?
Don't you ever think
of marrying me?
Marriage is for morons.
- Oh...
- It turns a
lover into a relative,
like a brother...
Or a sister.
I can't think of anything
that takes the passion
out of a relationship
more than marriage.
You may kiss the bride.
Mazel tov!
(ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD)
(INDISTINCT)
(WHOOPING)
(SIGHS)
- Oh, my God.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Hello, Mrs. Bedalia.
Nice scene, huh?
You know what?
Hold on one second.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Rolfe!
What are you doing?
I just wanted to say thank you.
I haven't done anything.
God, you did so much
and I really appreciate it.
Well, Steven's a...
He's a very lucky guy.
I just hope he's smart enough
not to screw it up.
So, so what are you
gonna do now?
I'm going to go
to my parent's place,
a cabin, Big Bear,
for the winter.
Get some writing done.
I think you're wonderful, Rolfe.
WOMAN OVER PA:
Dr. Morgan, please report
to the administration desk.
Dr. Morgan, please report
to the administration desk.
How you doing, Carol?
- Okay.
- Steven?
We'll run some tests
over the next few days.
Vincent's going to have
to stay here at the clinic,
then we'll start him
on a long-term regimen
that we'll keep him
on through puberty.
Just hang in there,
honey, okay?
We can handle this.
We're talking biweekly
hormone injections,
monthly blood samples
to monitor his liver function.
After a while,
you'll be able to administer
the injections yourself.
Um, it's gonna be
a big commitment.
Yeah, but we're up for that.
Aren't we, Steven?
God damn it! Damn it.
- How can you two
be so calm, huh?
- (BABY CRYING)
Because I'm prepared,
and because
we don't have a choice.
I read all the books
that you recommended.
Good. I think you'll be fine.
- As for you...
- What about me?
Please, Steven,
you're gonna frighten
the baby.
(BABY WAILING)
What about me?
I think you should
seek some counseling.
That's what I told him.
Look, what I need
are new chromosomes.
Oh, honey, you're making this
so much harder than
it needs to be.
Do you know that?
(BABY CRYING)
(BABY COOING)
I can't talk to him.
He won't listen to me.
WOMAN OVER PA: Nurse Simon,
please pick up line six.
Nurse Simon,
please pick up line six.
(SOFTLY) How you doing, sweetie?
(WHISPERING) I'm okay.
Are you okay?
How's he doing?
Let me take over for a while.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Got him?
Yeah, I've got him.
Yeah...
(BABY CRYING)
Shh. Shh, shh...
Listen to this guy, huh?
Oh, my God.
He's been going like this
for two hours straight.
He hurts.
Yeah, well,
I gave him the drops,
but it only seemed to help
a little bit, but...
Why don't you give him
something stronger?
I can't. I called them.
They said it was,
normal for babies
with his condition.
What?
Just say the word one time.
What?
(BABY CONTINUES TO CRY)
Just say the word
one time, Carol.
What's his condition, huh?
I can't do this.
Ten months, you haven't
said it one time.
What's his condition?
Why is he crying?
Why is he hurting?
Because he's a dwarf.
Carol, he's a dwarf.
He's a baby,
and you're scaring him!
He's a baby and he's a dwarf,
and that ain't
why he's crying.
He's crying because he hurts.
Fuck you, Steven!
- Fuck you!
- One time!
One time!
Say the goddamn word!
He's a dwarf!
I'm a dwarf!
Look, this can't go on anymore.
Carol, this is not working out.
Look, no one said
this was going to be easy.
We're just not getting
any better.
Not between us, it's not.
Oh, Steven...
I can't take it.
I mean, it's obvious
that I'm just
making things worse.
(CRYING)
I just think
I can do better by Vincent,
that we can do better
by Vincent...
If I'm somewhere else.
And you really think that?
Yeah...
I do.
(CAR PASSING BY)
You expecting someone?
Not me.
Did you fart?
(LAUGHS)
No, I did not fart.
Enough.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh...
Steven and I separated.
I hope this isn't too much
of an inconvenience.
No, not at all.
Is it okay if we stay
for a few days?
Sure. Stay.
Stay as long as you like.
Thanks.
Is this my nephew?
Holy cow.
He's a good-looking kid.
Hey. Hey.
Come in.
Here you go.
So how do you guys get by
so far from civilization?
It's a perfect situation
for a writer.
Oh yeah.
How's it going, the writing?
It's pretty good.
I'm syndicated in three papers,
The San Diegan, Fresno Bee,
and the Chicago Tribune.
Oh, that's so great.
Rolfe's a middle-of-the-road
kind of guy.
That's what they want.
Yeah, Maurice thinks
that my views
aren't radical enough.
They aren't.
Yeah, well, from what
I remember of your politics,
I don't think
they'd go over too well
in a mainstream newspaper.
You better be careful, Maurice,
because they could
lock you up in a loony bin
and that's not fun.
(CHUCKLING)
You know,
if Maurice had his way,
he would take all the heads
of the members of Congress
and put them on spears
and display them
out on the White House lawn.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that sounds
like the Maurice I remember.
One day, I want to buy
a place like this.
Well, until you do,
you can stay here
as long as you want.
MAURICE: Superb.
We need a woman around here.
Someone to do the dishes.
Someone to wash the clothes.
In your dreams, pal.
You know, Maurice probably
liked it in the Dark Ages
when we were scrubbing
the skid marks
out of your loincloth, huh?
I think the Women's
Liberation Movement
is an excuse for every poor
female pig
who needed a reason
not to clean up
after themselves.
You know what, Maurice?
Until you stop blasting a hole
in the ozone layer
with your toxic gas attacks,
this little maid's
on an extended coffee break.
(BANGS DOOR SHUT)
(BABY CRYING)
Uh-oh.
Feeding time again.
Hey, when you drink,
does he get drunk too?
I'm not drunk.
Well, maybe a little bit.
Hey, you ever hear from Sally?
Sally, no. We are...
No, we're not in contact
right now.
I liked her.
She had her good points.
Yeah, well, fuckability,
Maurice,
is not the be-all and end-all
of being with someone.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
Your relationship with Lucy,
it's nothing to crow about.
They fight like this
all the time.
It's a shame. You seem
like a really good couple.
(LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES)
Turn it down!
MAURICE: Lucy,
I've had it with you.
LUCY: I am not your old lady
anymore, Maurice.
(BABY CRYING)
LUCY: I am moving out of here.
MAURICE: Well,
that is just super with me.
(GLASS BREAKING)
MAURICE: I can't
take it anymore.
Bye, Rolfe.
Thanks for everything.
Hey, Lucy, I really hate
to see you leave like this.
MAURICE:
I am leaving you first!
LUCY: Oh, no, you're not.
Last one who leaves
is a rotten egg.
(BABY FUSSING)
(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)
(SOFTLY) Hey.
Hey, Vincent.
How are you, buddy?
Hey.
Caught in the act.
Oh, he was awake.
I figured you could use a break.
You... You go on.
Go back to bed.
Really, get some rest.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
I'm no expert on babies,
but I think we've got
things covered here.
He's okay. (CHUCKLES)
(BABY COOING)
Thanks.
Good night.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Hey, Carol.
How was your drive?
It was good.
It was uneventful, you know?
Oh...
(BABY COOING)
Look at you.
He's getting big and strong.
Yeah, he is.
Hello, Vincent.
Little man...
How are you doing?
I'm doing all right.
I'm working on it.
I'm trying to be the man
that you want me to.
You've got to
want it too, Steven.
You know what? I do want it.
I love you.
I know that.
I've never doubted that
for a moment,
but it's not about
you and me anymore.
You've got to love our child.
You don't think
that I love Vincent?
No, I know that you do.
(SIGHS) It's just
you can't show it.
If you can't show it,
then as far as he's concerned,
it might as well not exist.
Look, don't you see?
Right now, you don't
have a lot to offer him.
No, you're, you're wrong.
That's what I want. I...
I want to show it, all right?
If you'll just give me
another chance.
Look, what goes on
between a parent and a child,
that's what's really important.
Vincent's got to come first.
I'm not angry with you, okay?
I'm not angry.
And I don't hate you.
So what are you
going to do, Carol?
You going to live
up here in the woods
like a couple of hippies?
Listen to me, okay?
This way we can all
still be family,
you can see your kid
whenever you want,
but he can't wait around
for you to get it together.
Listen, I'm his father.
Yeah, but right now,
you're too self-involved,
Steven.
You're too confused.
I've got too much
on my hands already
without spending all
my time bringing you along.
This is what you want?
This is what I think is right.
Hey, Rolfe.
Boy, what you two
must think of me, huh?
What does that mean?
You're still my brother.
Coming in?
No, I don't think so.
I'm going to say goodbye
to Vincent here and head on
back to the city.
Are you mad at me?
No, I'm not mad.
STEVEN: I'll see you around,
big boy.
Love my son.
Are you going to be okay,
Steven?
I'm gonna do my best.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm a little shook up.
I don't think I'll be getting
to sleep anytime soon.
Here...
Come with me.
Come on.
You okay?
Mmm-hmm.
It's heavenly...
Absolutely heavenly.
Look at the stars
so bright up there.
Rolfe?
What?
You can kiss me if you want.
Whoo!
(PRETTY ONE PLAYING)
(TURNS MUSIC DOWN)
Nice.
Thanks.
I don't know how in
the hell you work this way,
but...
It relaxes me.
Here,
let me fix your tie.
Try not to get paint on me.
Relax, okay?
(INHALES LOUDLY)
Hmm, what are you
going to do tonight?
Just going to hang out?
Uh, like you really care.
Don't start with me.
I'm not.
You are.
Now, I told you
about this weeks ago.
Remember?
(SCOFFS)
What?
What?
You got a little something
going on the side, Steven?
Hmm? You can tell me.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I got something
going on the side.
It's called family,
and I cannot
get out of it, okay?
How many times
you want to hear that?
You know what?
Your family fucked up
or something?
Hmm? Is that why you're
being so secretive?
Hey, you just trust me, okay?
(PANTS UNZIPPING)
Do not get paint on me.
Okay.
Sweetie...(CLEARS THROAT)
I've got to get going, now.
What? Right this second?
Yes. Right this second.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Have yourself a real ball.
Get out of here.
(CHUCKLES)
You're a wonderfully
cruel woman.
You talk about the weather
As if we weren't together
Why don't you look up
And see
I can't even
take a piss straight.
I'm vibrating
to fucking death here.
Shut up, Rolfe.
You're driving me crazy.
You diminutive French snail.
You know, Maurice?
You're the one who said
we could do it in eight hours.
I could have walked faster.
That is your problem
for going so slow.
You need to cool.
(WOMAN YELLING)
Come on, you bastard!
(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)
What are you stopping for?
Go on ahead.
I'll catch up with you.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(WHISTLING)
(DRUM SOLO PLAYING)
KITTY: Steven.
Good to see you.
Jerry Robin Jr.
I have known so many
little people professionally,
but what I didn't know
is there are
over 100,000 little people
in North America alone.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Mom.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Late.
I'm not that late.
Hello, Steven.
Where's your brother?
What? He's not here yet?
I can't believe he would
be late to a convention.
Something must be wrong.
There's nothing wrong.
How you doing, girls?
Your favorite, dear, egg salad.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Wow.
And now, let's cut that rug
courtesy of The Lobsters.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, everybody. Hello, girls.
How you doing tonight, Steven?
Doing the best I can, Bobby.
How about yourself?
Doing all right. Thank you.
Hey, Bobby,
do you see this blonde
coming up here?
Oh yeah.
She's been asking us
to introduce you to her
since the last convention.
No kidding?
She's an ice skater
in one of those shows.
- Holiday...
- Holiday On Ice.
Kitty! Bobby, say hello
to the indomitable
Miss Kitty Katz.
Well, hello, Mr. President.
The pleasure's mine.
See her tits?
Hello, ladies.
My daughters.
Why don't you girls
go out and dance
and have some fun?
Yeah, girls.
You ready?
Let's cut a rug.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
You too.
I could use a good stiff one.
- Oh, I mean a cocktail.
- (CHUCKLES)
(MAN WHISTLES)
Hey, Steven!
Over here!
Hey, Rolfe!
Rolfie...
My friend,
you are in the doghouse.
Mom and Pop are pissed.
That's great.
Steven, this is Maurice.
Maurice is an asshole.
Bonjour.
Hey, the asshole
is the strongest muscle
in the human body.
Do you think there's
any food left?
Oh, man, I really
couldn't tell you, man.
My name's Lucy.
Hi, Lucy.
Hey, don't, don't go
ripping off food now.
Hey, you can't steal food.
Food's from God.
It's plentiful.
God wants me to eat.
Come on. Let's go.
What the fuck's going on, man?
You want to go grab
a drink somewhere?
No. I'm kind of tired. I...
What about tomorrow?
Oh, man, I can't tomorrow.
Tonight's my last night.
I've got a class
I've got to put through
finals all week.
(LUCY TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
What's the story anyway, man?
What the hell happened?
Where you been?
That's what happened.
What do you mean,
that's what happened?
- You drove this thing
400 miles?
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, Maurice builds them,
and I can't afford to put
out for a car right now,
so I figured, what the hell?
Hey, you laugh, man.
It got me here.
Man, give mom and dad a call,
let 'em know you're all right.
And for Christ sake
don't let them know you're
riding around on this thing.
Mom'll shit.
Yeah, well, don't you
go telling them either.
Don't I go telling them?
MAURICE: Assholes!
All of you, fucking assholes!
Where you staying tonight?
We're going to find
a cheap motel,
and then I'm going
to give Sally a holler...
Ah...
Sack over there
for a few nights.
Yeah, you might as well
get used to it.
You two are going to
end up together
no matter what happens.
(GLASS BREAKING)
They alleged that we were
stealing food.
- It's good to see you, man.
- Yeah.
And try and make it
a little sooner next time.
We can shake it up a little bit.
I know. Well, next year.
Have a good time
with Sally, buddy.
You know where to find me.
Careful, buddy.
So did you have good time?
Was it everything you expected?
Hmm, it was okay.
Whatever it was. (CHUCKLES)
- Steven?
- Hmm?
I don't want us keeping
secrets from each other.
Maybe, it's too late
to start obsessing, okay?
You're the one making it happen.
Would you just let it go, okay?
I can't.
You're playing me.
I know it.
I just can't figure out why.
You do not think that
I'm seeing someone?
No, of course not.
Hey, you know how
we're always talking
about our future
and what we're gonna do
and where we're gonna live...
- Yeah.
- And all that other stuff?
Can we talk about this later?
No, we need to talk, Steven.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Carol, all right.
CAROL: Mmm-hmm.
(WHISPERING) This better not
be an all-night marathon
or I am going to kill you.
No, it won't. I promise.
All right.
What do you got then?
(CHUCKLES) Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I think maybe I'm pregnant.
Oh, Man.
We've been using protection.
Yeah, except for those
two or three times a week
when you wake me up
in the middle of the night,
and don't tell me
you don't remember, either.
I thought
you wanted kids, Steven?
Yeah, but not right
this second. No.
Just tell me what you feel.
Well, I'm not going to
tell you I'm thrilled
about an unplanned pregnancy,
all right?
(SIGHS)
I thought you'd be okay
with this.
We've talked about it,
like, a million times.
Yeah, for the future.
I mean, this is a huge step.
Yeah, but...
these are our baby years,
Steven.
Let's just do it.
Jesus Christ, Carol, I mean...
this is the sort of thing
that people talk about,
you know, before
they jump into it.
Well, that's what
we're doing now.
Yeah, after the fact.
It's done.
ROLFE: Whoa,
we're being invaded.
A menage a trois.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(CHUCKLES) I've never been
to Hollywood before.
Hollywood's a toilet.
Hey! Says you.
I feel glamorous
just being here.
She locked me out
of my bedroom, man.
Oh, that's sad.
That woman does it
to me all the time.
You got to get
a new woman, like me.
Hey, baby, what's up?
Jesus Christ.
(WHOOPING)
- MAURICE: Hello?
- Whoo-hoo!
(WHISTLES) Hello?
Hello?
Can we have a room?
See that sign?
We don't allow prostitution
in here.
You think I'm a prostitute?
Huh! Wow.
You didn't tell me
you were a prostitute.
Oh, man, she ain't a prostitute.
We just want a room.
I only have one room.
You have to share.
You only got one?
How much, man?
One lady,
and two little children?
Hey!
I'll make a special
price for you.
- 95 bucks.
- These are not my children.
Ooh.
Ooh.
(STRAINING)
You got any rubbers?
No, I don't, and if you start
fucking that girl
while I'm trying to sleep,
I'm gonna kill you.
(CHUCKLES) Then you put your
headphones on and face
the wall, my friend,
'cause tonight,
I'm feeling good.
I'm glad someone is.
Oh, God, I feel so much better.
I'm going to take a shower.
(HUMMING)
Hey, Lucy. You notice
how we stalk one another?
- (MEOWS)
- (CHUCKLES)
For you.
- For moi.
- Oui.
I like to drink.
It smells good.
Salud.
Oh, say, that's smooth.
What is this?
It's an original
creation of mine.
Imported cherry-flavored
morphine syrup from France...
and cognac.
Ooh...
I just wish I had
a fucking crepe.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
You're a very interesting man.
You're very direct.
I think you have
a lot of owl medicine in you.
(MOUTHING) Come here.
Come here.
You're so pretty.
LUCY: Hmm.
Oh.
- What?
- Fuck.
- What is it, your back?
- No.
Does your back hurt?
Here, stand up, stand up.
It's gonna be okay.
Look, here, ready?
- (CRACKING)
- Oh, God! Lucy, no. Ah!
Ah.
What did you do?
I adjusted you.
(PANTING)
Make another drink.
(GROANS)
- Here.
- God...
That is better. (CHUCKLES)
Mmm...
(MOANING)
MAURICE: Daddy's back.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, Rolfe, you want a cocktail?
In your dreams.
Hmm, it's okay, look...
He's got a prescription.
Yeah?
Well, that doctor he goes to,
he ought to be locked up.
(MOANING)
(SQUEALING)
(LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY)
- (GROWLING)
- (SQUEALING)
Now I'm real sore
and I'm real tired,
so keep it down...
MAURICE: Hmm.
And no smoking.
(MOANING)
LUCY: Shh, quiet.
MAURICE: Oh! Merde.
(LUCY GIGGLING)
Merde... (GRUNTS)
Fuck.
(GASPS)
Hey, buddy, are you all right?
(RETCHING)
Hey, Maurice.
What's the matter with him?
Uh, he's got ulcers,
a herniated disk.
It's just little people shit,
but he's just too stubborn
to take care of himself.
- You all right?
- Bed.
- Huh?
- Bed.
You're bleeding, man.
Oh, fuck...
You're bleeding.
I'm going to call a doctor.
Yeah, hello. Could you get me
the number, please, of
a Dr. Carl Morris in Encino?
(YELLING)
Rolfe!
No fucking doctors!
No doctors!
(MAURICE GRUNTS)
Jesus Christ, man.
I'm just trying
to fucking help you.
I'm getting out of here.
So hot.
(PANTING)
(DOG BARKING)
WOMAN: Who is it?
Hey, it's me, Rolfe.
- Rolfe.
- (BARKING)
Let me in.
Be quiet, Buster.
Oh, I wasn't sure
I'd ever see you again. Mmm.
Well, I'm back.
I saw your article in Harper's
about the Republicans.
Becoming very successful.
Yeah, well,
you need to get syndicated.
That's the ticket.
Oh, look at the little
love nest.
Come on, Rolfe. I don't have
a boyfriend, okay?
You know, I don't see two beds.
Well, he sleeps on the couch.
Lighten up, Rolfe. God.
We aren't close like that.
I let him fuck me twice, okay?
I felt sorry for him.
His whole family was evicted
from their apartment
in the Gaza Strip.
- I mean, how would you feel?
- (SCOFFS)
You know what, Sally?
You need to cut loose
from all this crazy shit
that seems to follow you around.
It wouldn't be like that
if we were together again.
Come on, Rolfe.
I'm ready for an
adult relationship.
Yeah, well,
it sure looks like it.
(DOOR OPENING)
- Sally?
- Oh, my God.
- It's Adrissi.
- Sally?
Let me come talk with him.
Uh-uh. You wait here.
(WHISPERING) Be quiet.
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
Uh, what are you doing here?
I have quit my job.
Adrissi, how do you expect
to get your own place
if you can't keep a job
more than one day?
Do not give to me
this shit, all right?
I just need money
for the bus now.
"Do not give to me this shit?"
Adrissi, I have to
pay my phone bill.
All right,
I will pay you back,
in your G spot.
Fine, I won't pay
my phone bill.
What do you care?
Rolfe, give me
a couple of bucks.
- Keep your mouth shut.
- (WHISPERING) Jesus Christ...
You... you... you need
some money, man?
How much do you need?
Who is this man
in your bedroom? Huh?
ROLFE: (STUTTERING)
Let's cut the bullshit
and you just tell him
what you just told me
and get it over with.
What is this man doing
in your bedroom?
It's none of your
business, okay?
So why don't you get
your shit together
and get the hell out
before I call the cops.
No. I want to know now
why this man is
in your bedroom.
Well...
It's because we are
going to fuck, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
(STUTTERING) Adrissi,
we're not fucking.
So get your unemployed ass
out of my apartment now.
But all those things
that you told me
in the darkness.
You said I was
the sexiest stud you had.
You opened your heart to me.
You better keep your
mouth shut, Adrissi.
You told me I was a hunk, Sally.
Shut the fuck up!
In a while, man,
- this ain't going to seem
like such a big deal.
- Rolfe, don't.
- You fucked Sally!
- (GRUNTS)
You fucking whore!
Ah! You've really done it now,
Sally.
No. You get out of my way now.
(GASPS)
Stop it. Get off of him.
Stop it.
(GRUNTS)
Get your hands off of him.
Stop it.
No. Get off of him.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
(GROANING)
Huh, I'm out of here.
But Rolfe,
you got to tell the cops
what he did to us.
You know what, Sally?
Why don't you tell the cops?
Wait two minutes
then look to see
if two visible lines
have formed in the tube.
Two visible lines
indicate a positive test
for being knocked up.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Let's go, Chuck. Let's go.
You think you've
got what it takes
to be a firefighter, Chuck?
I don't think so.
Come on, fat boy.
Didn't I tell you to lose
some of that blubber
four months ago?
Yes, I did and you have not.
How in the hell are you
going to be any good
to anybody else if you
can't put goddamn
dirt on a fire?
Stop. Get out the horseshoe
and get the hose.
Get your ass up the hill.
Your execution is piss poor.
Fires are still burning.
Not only are you slow,
but you suck at it.
You're going up
to the 18th floor, Chuck.
You've got a woman and child.
What?
What do you think you're doing?
What?
You're being a total asshole.
Take five, Chuck.
(BUZZING)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Is Steven still around?
Oh no, he left already.
He'll be back in a week.
- A week?
- Who are you?
I'm Rolfe. I'm his brother.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm... I'm Carol.
Listen, Carol, do you think
I could come in?
I'm a little messed up
right now.
Yeah, I was going to
ask you about that.
Thank you.
You were attacked?
Oh, my god, you're kidding?
Does it look like I'm kidding?
Well, hey, come on.
Let me, uh...
So, what, you got
mugged or something?
You could say that.
A guy tried to kill me.
Judging from those
bruises on your neck
I'd say he was pretty serious.
Well, he's probably
in jail by now.
Um, so,
are you and Steven,
uh... blood brothers?
Well, you could
say that, we're...
We're twins.
Wow.
God, I... I can't believe that.
We've been living together
since last May.
We're getting married
in the summer.
Well, he didn't
mention anything.
No, but maybe
he wanted it to be a surprise.
Listen, um...
Are your parents, um...
What, little?
Yeah.
Steven, he's the big guy
in the family.
Listen, Carol, do you think
it would be okay if I...
I sat down for a while?
I've nowhere else to go
just at the moment.
No. Sure. Um...
Stay as long as you like.
I, um... I have to go
out for a few hours,
but I'd really like
to talk to you.
(SIGHS)
Oh, God, this feels good.
Would you like something
to eat?
Do you want some coffee?
Rolfe?
(CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)
Good morning, Romeo.
Hmm, bonjour.
How do you feel?
Do you feel better?
No, I feel like death.
That's great.
That's a great transition.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Maid.
I'm sorry. Please move along.
We're making a love
nest in here.
It's 3:00
and I want to go home.
Go away.
We are eating each other.
(GIGGLES)
Where's Rolfe?
He left because you
were mean to him.
(KNOCKING)
Check-out time is 12 o'clock.
(GROANS) Merde, I'll kill him.
You're paying an extra night.
Hey. Hey, what are you doing?
Put that away.
Open the fucking door
or I'm calling the cops.
Hey, you go away. You called
me a prostitute last night.
I heard what you said...
Open up!
Bastard! I have had enough of
name-calling, you understand?
(GROANS)
What the hell?
LUCY: I've had enough
of peace loving,
you understand?
I'm calling you a prostitute.
(GROANING)
You're a prostitute.
Come on.
Get your shit together.
You want to get pinched?
You were so beautiful out there.
Come on, Maurice.
Tres bien.
That's called the BA.
Now, you want to check
your regulator every day.
Now, rule number one
with the regulator is
never use oil in it.
You use oil in this regulator,
and you're going to end up
in a situation.
I'm gonna take five.
Carol, what's going on.
Is everything okay?
Your brother dropped by
this morning.
Did you drive all this
way to tell me that?
I think you could have
let me know that everyone
in your family is a midget.
Well, they're not
midgets, Carol.
They're dwarfs.
Whatever.
It suddenly occurred to me
that it's a genetic thing,
right?
Yeah, it's a genetic thing.
Okay, so just tell me.
If you and I
have a kid together,
is it going to be a midget?
Carol, don't say
midget, say dwarf.
Look, just answer
the goddamn question, Steven.
It's possible.
It's definitely possible.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Look, Carol. Hey...
If it makes you
feel any better,
I was going to tell you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So why didn't you?
I don't know.
I guess, I didn't think it was
that important, you know.
You didn't think
it was important?
Don't start passing
judgment on me, Carol.
Hey, I'm not passing
judgment on you, okay?
I'm just trying to understand.
Look, you know,
I honestly don't know why
I didn't mention it.
I guess I didn't think
it was the right time.
What's going on here, Steven?
Don't you want to be
in a relationship with me?
Where in the hell
did that come from, Carol?
You know what? You go ahead
and do whatever you want.
You do what you want.
What, you just don't care?
Now, you know I care,
you know damn right I care,
but I'm not going to sit here
and jump through hoops
because you're threatening me.
No.
Who's threatening you?
I was not threatening you.
You were. You know, this whole
will-to-motherhood thing,
Carol.
It's becoming
quite an obsession.
(SCOFFS) I thought that's why
we were getting married.
Look, there's other reasons
that people get married.
We could always adopt.
What, and never have children
of our own?
I just don't know if that's
gonna be possible.
What did you think I was going
to do when I found out
your family were all midgets?
Did you think
I'd just walk away?
Look, Carol,
you keep saying midgets,
you're going to piss
a whole bunch of people off...
I really don't care
about that stuff, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Would it really be that big
of a deal if our kid
was a dwarf?
Look, it's not something
you just walk into.
Well, you could have told me.
I've got...
I've got to go back
to work, okay?
I'll call you when
I get some time
to talk, all right?
(SOFTLY) Go home.
Okay...
Catch me if you can.
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe I didn't see it.
What?
What a treasure you are.
(GIGGLES)
Tell me where you come from.
Well, my body's originally
from New York,
(CHUCKLES)
but I've been commuting
for the last three years
in Phoenix.
- Phoenix?
- Hmm.
Tell me about Phoenix.
Well, my ex-old man, Jerome,
he used to whittle
wood jewelry.
See, he whittled all this
for me. He even whittled me
a wedding ring.
See the splinter?
(LAUGHS)
Then he turned really evil.
He was a truck driver
and those guys are all
on crank and there's those,
you know, transsexual
prostitutes that...
Anyway, he flipped out
and thought I was
an alien walk-in.
You don't want to
hear this story?
No. No, I do.
What?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- (SCREAMS)
- Hmm...
Oh, really? No, I...
I'm sorry you're lonely.
Yeah, well, maybe your...
Your security guard pal...
No, maybe he could come over
and comfort you.
No, really.
Sally, I'm not being snide.
No...
(CHUCKLES)
You know, okay, I'm a bastard.
All right. Yeah,
I'm a motherfucker.
I'm a dick, too.
Yeah, I'm a fuckwad!
I'm a fucking fart!
Sally, I'm going to hang up.
I... Sally?
I'm sorry. I, uh...
(SIGHS)
That was the girl
that tried to have me killed
this morning.
Oh, wow.
I guess you have good reason
to be cross with her.
Look, I'm sorry
if I acted weird this morning.
Oh, it's all right.
I was just in shock is all.
Meeting me.
I'm pregnant, okay? Um...
It was something
we were making plans for.
We just, uh...
We weren't planning
on it happening now.
Right. And, uh, Steven,
he never told you about me?
No, but Steven's
a normal-sized guy,
so maybe a child of ours
wouldn't be affected.
(SIGHS)
Well, I'm not sure
that's how it works.
Well, I mean, what do I know?
You know, I'm not a doctor.
I know some people,
though, who are, you know,
they'd refer you to
a specialist or something.
I could ask them.
Yeah.
Congratulations...
By the way.
Thanks. (LAUGHS)
You know, we could have just
gotten this information
over the phone.
Yeah, we could, but
what you need now
is a real support network.
Hope my Uncle Bobby
don't yell at me.
Huh?
Now, don't freak out,
it's not like
we're all dysfunctional
or anything like that.
Why's he going to yell at you?
I didn't make the convention
Sunday night.
The con... What convention?
It's a, It's a thing
for the little people.
It's kind of an annual thing
where they all get together
from all over the country
and they chat,
meet old friends,
you know, catch up.
Asshole.
We're here.
Rolfe's here!
My dad's in the backyard.
Okay.
Margaret, this is Carol.
Carol, this is Margaret.
Margaret's my cousin.
Hi, there.
Hi.
So, you and Steven
are getting married?
Yeah.
I think maybe he wanted it
to be a surprise.
Why?
Now that you're
expecting a baby,
having to grope around
in a fog of uncertainty.
If I have this baby
and it turns out to be little,
what does that mean
in terms of raising him?
There'll be rough patches,
there's no doubt about it.
But that's what life
is all about,
dealing with hardship.
If a person can't
deal with that,
then they can't ever be happy.
Would you have
had us again, Daddy?
I'd have to think long
and hard about that, kiddo,
long and hard.
- All right.
- (ALL LAUGH)
I think what Carol's
thinking about
is the medical aspects
of the situation.
Yeah, that's totally
what I'm thinking about.
Well, I can give you
a list of doctors to call
and provide you
with some literature
on organizations.
That's a good idea.
- Look at it
when you get a chance.
- I will.
Thank you. Thanks.
Look, Carol,
if you ever need anybody
to talk to,
I want you to call me, okay?
Yeah.
I mean it.
I'm sorry.
Sweetheart, you
don't have anything
to be sorry about.
I'm just so embarrassed.
Why on earth would
you feel embarrassed?
Oh, because here I am
questioning whether or not
to bring a person into
the world who's just like you.
Oh, God,
what that must sound like.
You're only concerned
about your baby.
That's natural, honey.
I just want my kid to have
a happy, productive life.
Of course you do.
There's nothing
about being little
that precludes being happy
or productive.
Yeah.
Look at us.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hi, Steven.
Hey, sweetie. How you doing?
- Okay.
- Good, good.
Have you been thinking
about things?
A little bit, you know.
I mean, it's been
pretty busy up here. Um...
Say, how'd it go with Rolfe?
He's asleep on the couch.
Well, good for him.
Good for him.
What? Is that a problem?
No, no. That's not a problem.
No problem at all.
We went for brunch
this afternoon
in your uncle's house.
God, they were so nice.
Bobby invited me to a party,
at Jerry Robin Jr.'s house
tomorrow night.
I was kind of hoping
we could all go together.
Tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Well, sure, Carol.
I tell you what. Why don't
I just meet you there.
Um, you know what?
My battery
is just about to die on me,
so I will see you tomorrow.
Sleep tight and sweet dreams,
sweetie. (PHONE CLICKS)
(DIAL TONE)
Okay.
(GRUNTS)
That was smart.
You want to go to a party
tomorrow night?
(GASPING)
That looks like the mothership.
- You look beautiful.
- Thanks.
You said these parties
got a little wild.
I never expected this.
Jerry sure can throw a party.
This puppy's loud.
You know, Jerry,
I think you might be
a little too old for me.
Too old?
Well, you done hurt my feelings.
Oh, excuse me.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, sweetie.
Ooh, have you been drinking?
No, silly. I can't drink.
I'm pregnant.
Yes, you are.
Listen, I want
to introduce you to a couple
of my students.
Darlene, Bernadette...
This is my fiancee, Carol.
- Hi.
- Hi.
That's my favorite dress.
(LAUGHS)
There's sure a lot of midgets
around here.
Um, actually,
it's little people.
There we go.
Look who's brushing up
on the terminology.
Is that Jerry Robin, Jr.
Sitting over there?
It sure is.
I'm going to get an autograph.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
You want to get
a drink or something?
I'd love to get a drink.
- Hey, Sally. Hey, Rolfe.
- Hey.
Hey, have you seen
Maurice and Lucy?
Oh, no, not again.
What happened to your eye?
He was defending my honor.
Yeah. Want to get a drink?
Yeah, sure.
MAURICE: That bourgeois shit
makes me want to vomit.
Do you hear me?
You don't approve of my methods
and I don't approve
of your methods.
Would you mind not
doing that, please?
Oh... Doing what?
Waving your finger
in people's faces. It's rude.
Hey, you better back off,
Goldie Hawn.
My man can do
what he wants to do.
MAURICE: Listen to me,
because I want you to know
what I think about
your organization.
You go
"We are the little people.
"Please, we are so cute
and cuddly.
"Don't discriminate
against us."
Our organization has
battled long and hard
to sweep away those
stereotypical images.
Another thing,
I think the term little people
is demeaning.
Carol, Sally.
KITTY: What sort
of political activity
do you suggest we create
once we disband
because we're so bourgeois?
What you people don't understand
is that political power,
it grows out of
the barrel of a gun.
KITTY: Yeah, right. Now you
want us to go out and commit
violence in the street.
We don't do that here.
Americans don't do that.
Oh, Americans...
Yeah, the people
that saved your ass
during World War II.
Oh, now you want to talk
about the fucking war?
Why are we talking to this guy?
He is very passionate.
Don't you patronize me.
- Yeah.
- KITTY: Who do you think
you are?
- I am French...
- MAN: Take it outside, Man.
And I'm proud to be French.
I'm proud not to eat
this disgusting swill
you people call cuisine.
I am proud.
- Excuse my friend.
- Fuck!
Fucking asshole!
Bobby is my uncle and besides
being my uncle, he happens
to be a great guy.
Ah, he is nothing.
Oh, fuck!
Who the fuck are you anyway?
Hey, I know who I am
and I know what I am.
I am a Marxist!
Who are you?
I don't want to hear about it.
Just, just lay off.
I don't even wanna see you
the fuck near him.
You got it?
Fine.
So have you known
Rolfe a long time?
Yeah. We used to date
in high school.
- Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.
He went to high school?
- Yeah. That was ages ago.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm just waiting...
What's the matter, Steven?
You got some kind
of identity crisis going on?
What are you talking about?
Why didn't you tell
your girlfriend about us?
What's it to you, man?
Okay, forget about us.
Forget about family.
You just focus on this.
You knocked up this great gal,
and you didn't tell her
that her baby's
probably going to be little.
Now, how the hell is that
any of your business?
Oh I'm sorry, I'm your brother.
You know and it hurts
like hell to think you're
so fucking ashamed of us.
Goddamn you, Rolfe.
Man, sometimes you are
so fucking full of shit.
- I'm full of shit?
- Yeah, full of shit.
All right, look,
just because I'm not
one of these guys
who has to bare his soul
to everybody I meet...
I'm not like you, Rolfe.
I'm sorry. I should have
been more careful.
I should have kept it in mind
that anyone who meets you
has got to just
automatically know
that you got a twin brother
who's a fucking midget.
You know, when she saw me,
she got it straight up...
And I just...
I just...
Introduced her to some people
who could answer
some questions for her,
and that's it.
Look, it's my life too, okay?
If you want to blame
someone for being nosy,
then blame me.
I needed information.
I made sure I got it.
Rolfe didn't do anything.
You don't have to defend me.
I can if I want.
I'm going to find Sally.
I'm going to take Sally home.
Look, you want me to drive you?
No. I'll take a cab.
Sally! Sally!
Are you mad at me now?
No, I'm not mad. I'm...
I'm just bewildered.
Look, Carol,
I wish I had some answers,
all right, but I don't.
All right? Not right now.
Come here.
Yeah, well,
it's been a crazy week.
Yeah.
Jesus, Steven.
It's going to be
all right, baby.
I'll make it up to you.
Just give me some time.
I...
I can't find her anywhere.
She's got to be
around here somewhere.
I saw Sally go over there
a little while ago.
Thanks, Augie.
Look, you go get the car, okay?
I'm going to help Rolfe
find his girlfriend.
Sally!
Rolfe? Hey, Rolfe, wait up
(COUPLE MOANING)
Whoa.
Oh shit.
- What's up, man?
- Oh, Rolfe. Rolfe...
That's it.
I'm done with you, Sally.
Rolfe? Rolfe?
Hey, Rolfe, wait up.
What's going on?
Rolfe just caught Sally
screwing Jerry Robin, Jr.
He's really broken up.
Shit.
(SIGHS) Let's just go, okay?
You got the ticket, sweetie?
Yeah.
Have a good night, sir.
Listen, can you wait for me
just a second?
Yeah, sure.
Say, man.
Carol told me what happened.
That was pretty fucked up.
What a bitch, huh?
I was stupid to think anything
could be different or change.
Do you think I'm stupid?
You're asking me
if I think you're stupid?
You're taking too long
to answer. Fuck you.
Come on. Get in the car
and come home with us.
I'm waiting for a cab.
Fuck the cab.
Come home with us, man.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
You've already been
on the sofa, haven't you?
Hey, you're awake.
What's going on?
I can't sleep.
Why? What's the matter?
It's not too late
to think about adopting.
Look...
I'm not one of those crazy
anti-abortion people, Steven,
you know that.
- Hmm.
- But I want this baby.
Having a fucked-up kid
is no bed of roses, Carol.
Hey, do not apply
the term "fucked up"
to our child, okay?
You know what I mean.
Well, what was Rolfe's
childhood like?
Did the other kids
give him a hard time?
No, not really...
But there are other problems
with being little besides
the social stuff, you know?
Like what, medical stuff?
Yeah.
I mean, when Rolfe was a kid...
He was in a lot of pain.
He used to cry all the time.
Why?
Being a little person hurts?
Well, yeah.
See, they've got...
They've got organs,
musculature, that's too big
for their skeleton.
Yeah, right, but they have
drugs for that, don't they?
Yeah. It's called morphine...
And sometimes,
they need surgery.
What do you mean?
Did Rolfe need surgery?
No, thank God. No.
Then what were
his teenage years like?
Rolfe as a teenager?
The guy got laid
two years before I did.
(CHUCKLES) With Sally?
Absolutely.
You should have seen those two.
They were hysterical.
They were like this...
this dysfunctional
old couple, you know.
This one time in school,
they couldn't have been
more than 15 years old,
it was between classes,
and Sally corners Rolfe
and she screams
at the top of her lungs,
she says, "Rolfe Bedalia,
you haven't fucked me
in five months!"
Oh, the principal was there,
all the kids were there,
you should have seen
Rolfe's face, man.
It was beautiful.
I was so god damn jealous
of that guy.
Have you ever been involved
with a little person sexually?
No. Just kids' stuff,
you know.
Mmm...
You know, all the kids
would come over,
we'd sit in a circle,
play doctor.
Oh, my God, we couldn't have
been more than ten or 12,
so that doesn't really count.
So you had a circle jerk
with a bunch of little people?
I would've loved to see that.
You would like to see that.
(LAUGHING) I sure would.
Are you sure
you want to do this?
Yeah.
I really am.
You sure you're not just,
trying to make some weird
political statement?
Oh, God.
What a peculiar thing to say.
I'm a peculiar guy.
I'm serious.
Look...
I think you have a lot
of ambivalence about
your family being little.
It's not healthy and I think
you should consider
getting some help.
Are you saying you think
I need to see a shrink?
God, there's nothing wrong
with seeing a shrink, okay?
Don't you see?
It's not a good thing
for a child if he's little
to have a father
who's ambivalent
about little people.
I hope you'll
at least consider it.
KATHLEEN: So, tell me, Carol,
what is it exactly
you do for a living?
CAROL: I'm a painter.
KATHLEEN: A painter?
What, do you mean like fine art?
Uh-huh.
Did you go to school?
Yeah, to the New York School
of Art and Design.
I'm impressed.
You mean, you make money
at that?
Yeah. It pays the bills.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lefarge.
- Welcome. I'm Steven.
- KIRK: How do you do?
- Very well.
- SYLVIA: Carol said
you were handsome.
Isn't he handsome? Oh, my God.
Y'all come on in.
How was the drive?
- Not bad. Not bad at all.
- Good.
- Mom. Dad.
- Hi, sweetie.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, honey, you look beautiful,
just beautiful. (LAUGHS)
So, um...
This is Steven's father,
Bruno, and his mom, Kathleen,
Um, and over behind the bar
is Steven's brother, Rolfe.
- Hi.
- How are you?
Everyone,
this is my mom and dad,
Kirk and Sylvia.
SYLVIA: Nice to meet you.
So, what are y'all drinking?
Let me have a Seven and Seven.
Sylvia?
She'll have a vodka tonic.
Vodka tonic coming up.
I'll help you.
So you want to come out back?
We're all set up out there.
Thought she might want a double.
You all right?
Mm-hmm.
So, there's pretty good money
in this firefighting business,
is there?
Oh, actually, I train cadets
to be firefighters.
You know, fires are
pretty much recession-proof.
- It's pretty steady, yeah.
- (LAUGHS)
Where'd you learn
all this stuff?
In the navy.
- You a Navy man?
- Yes, sir.
Well, what do you know?
A Navy man myself.
- All right.
- Where were you stationed?
Steven, get me some of that
barbecue sauce
from the kitchen.
Pop's pretty much a fanatic
when it come to barbecue.
(LAUGHING)
You could have
prepared us for this,
don't you think?
I didn't think it was important.
If you embarrass me,
I'll never speak to you again,
so get it together, Mom, okay?
Always the nonconformist.
How's everybody's drink?
Still working on mine, thanks.
Sylvia?
(CHUCKLES)
BRUNO: Where's
that sauce, Steven?
STEVEN: I'm on it, Pop.
Okay, everybody,
hors d'oeuvre time.
Everybody, please gather around.
I would like to propose a toast.
Hey, Rolfie!
To a very beautiful
young woman
and a very fine young man
who are very much
in love, and who, hopefully,
as the years go by,
will find the same
joy and happiness
that Steven's mother
and I have found
these past 30 years.
- Amen.
- KIRK: Hear, hear.
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
There once was a young
fellow from Sparta.
No, Kirk.
Who was a real whiz as a farter.
He'd fart anything
from God Save the King
to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He'd fart a gavotte
for a starter,
and then a Handelian cantata.
(MOUTHING) I'm so embarrassed.
Boost up his ass,
blast Bach's B Minor Mass,
and in counterpoint,
La Traviata.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That has to be the last one.
Obviously,
he can't drink any more.
Yes, he can.
No, no.
This is getting better. Yes.
No. Give him some water.
My God...
You have no idea what you're...
Yes, drink what?
You know, these steaks
are really delicious.
Genuine prime rib.
I had it brought in
from Omaha.
I'm stuffed like a pig.
Save some room
for dessert, Rolfe.
Oh, no, I can't.
I can barely breathe,
I'm so full.
Is everything all right, Sylvia?
Oh, yes. I...
I was just thinking is all.
Sylvia,
don't think.
I think that there's something
that we need to bring up
that you won't want to hear.
Mom.
I'm sorry, honey,
but this has to be brought out
into the open.
Now, I certainly wouldn't
want anyone to think
that we're prejudiced people.
Daddy!
All right, Kirk, you tell them.
You're a lot more diplomatic
than I am.
Well...
The, uh...
Fact of the matter is...
Uh, Carol's grandfather
is getting on in years...
Please.
And, uh...
He's an Orthodox Jew,
and he's never forgiven us
for going Reform,
so unless you can bring
yourself to have
a Jewish wedding,
would you at least consider
a civil ceremony, otherwise we
won't be able to invite him
I've got... I've got no
problem with a Jewish wedding.
Are you sure?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yeah, Mom?
Pop?
Carol?
Rolfe?
If he, he dies
before they get married,
can we switch back to Catholic?
(ALL LAUGHING)
RABBI: When a man and a woman
come together before God
and announce their intention
to come together
in holy matrimony...
May God bless
the men and women of Israel
in every generation.
Bless this bride.
Guide them on life's journey.
Look at that wedding dress.
That's a waste of
a wedding dress.
Look at that belly.
I would not kick her out of bed.
You're starting
to piss me off now.
Ah...
Enough with her.
But you love me.
All right, but you know what?
That should be us
down there, right?
Don't you ever think
of marrying me?
Marriage is for morons.
- Oh...
- It turns a
lover into a relative,
like a brother...
Or a sister.
I can't think of anything
that takes the passion
out of a relationship
more than marriage.
You may kiss the bride.
Mazel tov!
(ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD)
(INDISTINCT)
(WHOOPING)
(SIGHS)
- Oh, my God.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Hello, Mrs. Bedalia.
Nice scene, huh?
You know what?
Hold on one second.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Rolfe!
What are you doing?
I just wanted to say thank you.
I haven't done anything.
God, you did so much
and I really appreciate it.
Well, Steven's a...
He's a very lucky guy.
I just hope he's smart enough
not to screw it up.
So, so what are you
gonna do now?
I'm going to go
to my parent's place,
a cabin, Big Bear,
for the winter.
Get some writing done.
I think you're wonderful, Rolfe.
WOMAN OVER PA:
Dr. Morgan, please report
to the administration desk.
Dr. Morgan, please report
to the administration desk.
How you doing, Carol?
- Okay.
- Steven?
We'll run some tests
over the next few days.
Vincent's going to have
to stay here at the clinic,
then we'll start him
on a long-term regimen
that we'll keep him
on through puberty.
Just hang in there,
honey, okay?
We can handle this.
We're talking biweekly
hormone injections,
monthly blood samples
to monitor his liver function.
After a while,
you'll be able to administer
the injections yourself.
Um, it's gonna be
a big commitment.
Yeah, but we're up for that.
Aren't we, Steven?
God damn it! Damn it.
- How can you two
be so calm, huh?
- (BABY CRYING)
Because I'm prepared,
and because
we don't have a choice.
I read all the books
that you recommended.
Good. I think you'll be fine.
- As for you...
- What about me?
Please, Steven,
you're gonna frighten
the baby.
(BABY WAILING)
What about me?
I think you should
seek some counseling.
That's what I told him.
Look, what I need
are new chromosomes.
Oh, honey, you're making this
so much harder than
it needs to be.
Do you know that?
(BABY CRYING)
(BABY COOING)
I can't talk to him.
He won't listen to me.
WOMAN OVER PA: Nurse Simon,
please pick up line six.
Nurse Simon,
please pick up line six.
(SOFTLY) How you doing, sweetie?
(WHISPERING) I'm okay.
Are you okay?
How's he doing?
Let me take over for a while.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Got him?
Yeah, I've got him.
Yeah...
(BABY CRYING)
Shh. Shh, shh...
Listen to this guy, huh?
Oh, my God.
He's been going like this
for two hours straight.
He hurts.
Yeah, well,
I gave him the drops,
but it only seemed to help
a little bit, but...
Why don't you give him
something stronger?
I can't. I called them.
They said it was,
normal for babies
with his condition.
What?
Just say the word one time.
What?
(BABY CONTINUES TO CRY)
Just say the word
one time, Carol.
What's his condition, huh?
I can't do this.
Ten months, you haven't
said it one time.
What's his condition?
Why is he crying?
Why is he hurting?
Because he's a dwarf.
Carol, he's a dwarf.
He's a baby,
and you're scaring him!
He's a baby and he's a dwarf,
and that ain't
why he's crying.
He's crying because he hurts.
Fuck you, Steven!
- Fuck you!
- One time!
One time!
Say the goddamn word!
He's a dwarf!
I'm a dwarf!
Look, this can't go on anymore.
Carol, this is not working out.
Look, no one said
this was going to be easy.
We're just not getting
any better.
Not between us, it's not.
Oh, Steven...
I can't take it.
I mean, it's obvious
that I'm just
making things worse.
(CRYING)
I just think
I can do better by Vincent,
that we can do better
by Vincent...
If I'm somewhere else.
And you really think that?
Yeah...
I do.
(CAR PASSING BY)
You expecting someone?
Not me.
Did you fart?
(LAUGHS)
No, I did not fart.
Enough.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh...
Steven and I separated.
I hope this isn't too much
of an inconvenience.
No, not at all.
Is it okay if we stay
for a few days?
Sure. Stay.
Stay as long as you like.
Thanks.
Is this my nephew?
Holy cow.
He's a good-looking kid.
Hey. Hey.
Come in.
Here you go.
So how do you guys get by
so far from civilization?
It's a perfect situation
for a writer.
Oh yeah.
How's it going, the writing?
It's pretty good.
I'm syndicated in three papers,
The San Diegan, Fresno Bee,
and the Chicago Tribune.
Oh, that's so great.
Rolfe's a middle-of-the-road
kind of guy.
That's what they want.
Yeah, Maurice thinks
that my views
aren't radical enough.
They aren't.
Yeah, well, from what
I remember of your politics,
I don't think
they'd go over too well
in a mainstream newspaper.
You better be careful, Maurice,
because they could
lock you up in a loony bin
and that's not fun.
(CHUCKLING)
You know,
if Maurice had his way,
he would take all the heads
of the members of Congress
and put them on spears
and display them
out on the White House lawn.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that sounds
like the Maurice I remember.
One day, I want to buy
a place like this.
Well, until you do,
you can stay here
as long as you want.
MAURICE: Superb.
We need a woman around here.
Someone to do the dishes.
Someone to wash the clothes.
In your dreams, pal.
You know, Maurice probably
liked it in the Dark Ages
when we were scrubbing
the skid marks
out of your loincloth, huh?
I think the Women's
Liberation Movement
is an excuse for every poor
female pig
who needed a reason
not to clean up
after themselves.
You know what, Maurice?
Until you stop blasting a hole
in the ozone layer
with your toxic gas attacks,
this little maid's
on an extended coffee break.
(BANGS DOOR SHUT)
(BABY CRYING)
Uh-oh.
Feeding time again.
Hey, when you drink,
does he get drunk too?
I'm not drunk.
Well, maybe a little bit.
Hey, you ever hear from Sally?
Sally, no. We are...
No, we're not in contact
right now.
I liked her.
She had her good points.
Yeah, well, fuckability,
Maurice,
is not the be-all and end-all
of being with someone.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
Your relationship with Lucy,
it's nothing to crow about.
They fight like this
all the time.
It's a shame. You seem
like a really good couple.
(LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES)
Turn it down!
MAURICE: Lucy,
I've had it with you.
LUCY: I am not your old lady
anymore, Maurice.
(BABY CRYING)
LUCY: I am moving out of here.
MAURICE: Well,
that is just super with me.
(GLASS BREAKING)
MAURICE: I can't
take it anymore.
Bye, Rolfe.
Thanks for everything.
Hey, Lucy, I really hate
to see you leave like this.
MAURICE:
I am leaving you first!
LUCY: Oh, no, you're not.
Last one who leaves
is a rotten egg.
(BABY FUSSING)
(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)
(SOFTLY) Hey.
Hey, Vincent.
How are you, buddy?
Hey.
Caught in the act.
Oh, he was awake.
I figured you could use a break.
You... You go on.
Go back to bed.
Really, get some rest.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
I'm no expert on babies,
but I think we've got
things covered here.
He's okay. (CHUCKLES)
(BABY COOING)
Thanks.
Good night.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Hey, Carol.
How was your drive?
It was good.
It was uneventful, you know?
Oh...
(BABY COOING)
Look at you.
He's getting big and strong.
Yeah, he is.
Hello, Vincent.
Little man...
How are you doing?
I'm doing all right.
I'm working on it.
I'm trying to be the man
that you want me to.
You've got to
want it too, Steven.
You know what? I do want it.
I love you.
I know that.
I've never doubted that
for a moment,
but it's not about
you and me anymore.
You've got to love our child.
You don't think
that I love Vincent?
No, I know that you do.
(SIGHS) It's just
you can't show it.
If you can't show it,
then as far as he's concerned,
it might as well not exist.
Look, don't you see?
Right now, you don't
have a lot to offer him.
No, you're, you're wrong.
That's what I want. I...
I want to show it, all right?
If you'll just give me
another chance.
Look, what goes on
between a parent and a child,
that's what's really important.
Vincent's got to come first.
I'm not angry with you, okay?
I'm not angry.
And I don't hate you.
So what are you
going to do, Carol?
You going to live
up here in the woods
like a couple of hippies?
Listen to me, okay?
This way we can all
still be family,
you can see your kid
whenever you want,
but he can't wait around
for you to get it together.
Listen, I'm his father.
Yeah, but right now,
you're too self-involved,
Steven.
You're too confused.
I've got too much
on my hands already
without spending all
my time bringing you along.
This is what you want?
This is what I think is right.
Hey, Rolfe.
Boy, what you two
must think of me, huh?
What does that mean?
You're still my brother.
Coming in?
No, I don't think so.
I'm going to say goodbye
to Vincent here and head on
back to the city.
Are you mad at me?
No, I'm not mad.
STEVEN: I'll see you around,
big boy.
Love my son.
Are you going to be okay,
Steven?
I'm gonna do my best.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm a little shook up.
I don't think I'll be getting
to sleep anytime soon.
Here...
Come with me.
Come on.
You okay?
Mmm-hmm.
It's heavenly...
Absolutely heavenly.
Look at the stars
so bright up there.
Rolfe?
What?
You can kiss me if you want.