Tony & Tina's Wedding (2004) Movie Script

She needs to get laid.
No shit.
Shh! Here she comes!
Okay, stop clowning around.
Tina, sit up!
It's the happiest
day of your life.
What are you putting
on my daughter?
Donna, move over.
Let me look.
Donna, her eyes are too blue.
What are you gonna do
without your mother?
Get a life.
You don't like
it, Mrs. Vitale?
Not on my daughter.
Eh, ma...
You wear black, I
wear blue, alright?
Out of respect for my late
husband and your father
I wear black.
Water boy.
Eh.
What, Tone? I'm
just doing my hair.
Yeah. Sober up.
Sticky.
Stick this in.
See you at the church,
numb nuts, huh?
Hey, Barry.
Easy on the drugs, alright?
You it, Tone.
Hey, I'm serious.
Dom, I'm serious.
Especially at the church.
I'm going to get my keys.
Tony.
- Tony.
- Tony.
You're too young.
You're too smart to get married.
You're too wasted.
Get ready.
Come here, Tina. I just
wanna fix this...
Oh please, let me
do it, Mrs. V.
Hey, you guys.
We can't be late.
My mother's renting the
monsignor by the hour.
Listen just tone down her eyes.
You know, it's her wedding
day, not Mardi Gras.
Talk to Ziggy
Stardust over there.
He ain't gonna look better
than me on my wedding day.
Sorry, Jim.
Vito's rolling in his grave.
Ma, the gravy's
delicious, but...
Come on, Tony.
Come on, you having
something to eat?
What'd you forget something?
Yeah, I forgot my keys.
Hey, wait a minute.
I found them.
Your balls.
Yeah, pops. See you
at the church.
Tony, we're gonna go
pick up Maddy, alright?
Don't be late for your funeral.
Tina, the limo's here.
- Ma, I'm coming.
- Alright.
Doesn't she look pretty?
Come on, Uncle Louie.
Tina...
I'm so excited, so excited!
I'll see you in the limo.
You look great, T.
Stick, everybody, let's go.
Let's wrap it up.
Little T is getting married.
On our wedding day, your
grandpa looked like a prince.
Yeah, yeah.
Ma, the kid's like a...
He doesn't understand anyway.
How do I look, T?
I look good?
Still got it, kid?
Tina, hurry up.
Ma, just give me
a minute, alright?
You know, I can't believe
you're not ready.
I mean, it's only the
greatest day of your life.
I know, I know.
A minute, please.
Come on, hurry up.
Alright.
Hey, Tony.
How you doing, huh?
Crazy party.
Listen.
Popov Bloody Mary, alright?
You're gonna take the edge off.
- Alright, Tony. Alright.
- Clean up. Look at you!
Alright, let's go.
Hey, Maryann!
Let's go.
Get out of here.
Hey, Dom, let's go already.
Come on, get up, get up!
Dom.
Tony, don't look
at me like that.
I'm going, alright?
Alright.
Ha-ha. That's funny, huh?
John! John!
Come on.
Hey, Barry.
Hey, Barry baby.
You're my best man.
Johnny, come on.
Get your ass in here, shitbag.
- Let's go.
- That's funny.
Come on, get in.
What the fuck?
Watch my fucking leg.
What are you retarded?
- Hey, numb nuts.
- What are you doing?
When are you gonna get a girl?
Tonight, baby.
Tonight.
Get the fuck out of here.
You can't fuck your hand.
You guys, help me out.
Oh my god, I'm so excited!
Your dress is so big.
- Watch the dress.
- Oh, don't drag it.
Oh!
- Aww!
- Aww, Tina!
Here, T, take a drink.
Now before we leave, a toast.
To Tina.
To the house I leave behind.
Right on.
Pretty please!
Don't touch the vehicle.
Thank you very much.
Where is my star, Tina?
She's in the back.
Keep the Nunzio's to a minimum.
Tina.
- Tina.
- That's what they call me.
I'm Raphael.
I'm your director.
Alright, Mr. Director.
Alright, this ain't no friggin'
gone with the wind.
It's a wedding.
Oh, I am a filmmaker.
60mm film only, okay?
No video.
Okay, Raphael.
I'm going, I'm going.
Oh! Woo!
Alright.
Come on, darling.
Okay, okay.
Come on, baby.
There you go.
Yeah, yeah.
Shoot this, buddy.
Who is this asshole anyway?
He's the priest's nephew.
You know, he's some
NYU film school geek.
Tells my mother he wants to do
a school thesis at my wedding.
Thesis?
Sounds like
something a dog does.
Right, right!
Look it, all I'm saying is
he's paying for everything.
Listen, he pays for
everything, alright.
So why didn't she hire him?
He's cute.
Marina.
You know what? Your mother,
she's cheap.
- Hey!
- This could be good.
You know, I wish my
wedding was filmed.
All I got was some
drunken Barry video.
Hey, don't we have to be in
there before the groom comes?
Yeah, it's bad luck.
Oh honey, he already
came, alright?
I gave him a hummer last night
before the bachelor party.
Look all I'm saying is...
I don't want no stray cat pawing
a piece of my meat, alright?
Yeah, he's got you trained.
Oh, I wouldn't talk, alright?
Look at this, Barry,
Barry all the way.
Yeah, yeah! Well what
did you get out of it?
Oh, a low cal protein shake.
Tina, the light is
perfect over here.
Oh, Raphael.
Okay, Tina, I just want
you to be natural, okay?
No posing.
I have cameras set up all
over the church, all over
the reception hall.
Just be yourself.
Just be Tina, okay?
Okay.
Oh, that's perfect.
Did you get that?
Oh hey, no ass shots, alright?
Nothing!
You can shoot my ass.
Yeah, it'd be hard
not to, honey.
Everybody look over here!
Nice hair, slappy.
Hey, how you doing?
My name's Sal.
I'm the photographer today
for you lovely ladies.
I'm gonna take your picture
right now so smile.
Woo!
Alright.
Alright.
Sal, I didn't pay you
for Polaroid's, got it?
Oh, this is uh...
This is state of the art.
Who wants to wait an hour?
This is right away.
- Look, comes right out.
- Yeah, right.
Girls, into the church
right now, hurry up.
- Alright, Mrs. V.
- Ma!
- Got your dress.
- Alright, alright.
- You're looking good.
- Ma, the camera's always on.
- Why is she so testy?
- Well, you look nice.
This way, guys.
- This way.
- Hey, Skippy. Come here.
- I gotta get it off brake.
- You can't go here, man.
I got put it over here.
No, no. Take this and
step aside, alright?
Put the kit in behind
me, alright?
So what are you, the video guy?
- What?
- Figures Josie would film...
the friggin' wedding.
What, so she can watch it
every Sunday after church?
What? Oh my god,
she needs a hobby.
Ma, you look gorgeous.
Did I tell you I was an
ex altar boy, Maddy?
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
Priest made a move on me.
I hit him a power shot to the
throat. Never came back.
Oh, that's why I love you cause
you don't take shit from nobody.
That's right, baby. Proud to
be an ex-Catholic, too.
- Hey, let me ask you something.
- What?
You think the Pope
ever jerks off.
Hey, hey, there's numb nuts.
Let's go, hurry up.
Tony's coming!
Guys, come on, come on.
Are you nervous, T?
What, what?
You can't control
him all his life.
You gotta let him go.
- Come on.
- Let him go?
I'll let him go the day I die.
That's when I let him go.
Get the fuck out of here.
- You fucking douchebag.
- Come here.
Come here.
Listen.
Tell Tomato Head we ain't
going in until we hear the
opening theme music
or whatever, alright?
I mean, not for nothing,
she couldn't hire a valet?
Dad, keep a lid on it.
It's early already.
What am I saying?
What, cause of the camera?
I'm not saying nothing
I'm embarrassed of.
Hey, take my good side,
asshole. Right here.
Come on, let's go over
here, ma. Come on.
Maddy, what are you kidding me?
These kids on their own?
Little T needs his old man
especially with that family.
No, we all need you.
Hey!
Look at this swing, huh?
Look at that swing!
- What are you doing?
- How you doing?
I got something very nice.
What do you got?
Mr. Hilarious
in the fourth.
Oh! You gotta give
me some of that.
- You're in.
- Give me some.
- Alright, I'll see you inside.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Tony. When's your father
gonna take the leash off?
Oh, fuck it.
One more day, bro.
One more day.
What do you me mean, Tony?
You gonna leave
me alone or what?
We're attached at the hip, bro.
I mean, I'll come by the
club every once in a while.
Once in a while?
- Well, that's what I mean...
- Hey, Johnny, come on, huh?
Grow up.
What are you 19 next year?
You're getting your GED.
Tony's getting married.
Barry's having a kid.
- Grow up.
- You know what?
Fuck you, Dom.
Who?
What, you think you're so smart?
- What are you gonna do, huh?
- What am I...
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Hey, hey, hey!
No, no, no.
What'd I tell you?
I don't care what you do
at the reception, okay?
No fucking drugs at
the church, okay?
- I was just...
- No fucking drugs.
What'd I tell you?
- What'd I tell you?
- Alright, alright, alright.
I don't wanna get busted.
Don't worry about the camera.
It's too far away.
Listen, listen to me.
I'm serious.
I'm serious, guys.
- Jesus.
- Dom...
How am I gonna make it through
this thing without medication?
Remember how you used to
tell me you got into that
that zen state when you were
wiring houses for cable?
Yeah.
Well, get into it.
How do you think I get into
that zen state, asshole?
Oh, oh, you're fucked.
Alright, guys, listen.
The final countdown, alright?
I need your help.
- I love you, guys.
- Love you, too.
Get me through this
church without freaking.
Get me through the geek
reception without freaking.
Throw me in my freaking car
with my bride and send me off
- on my honeymoon, alright?
- You got it, bro.
- Alright.
- No bullshit.
- No bullshit.
- No freaking.
No freaking.
- Alright.
- Alright.
- You got it.
- I did it for you, Barry.
Remember with your wife
and her geek family.
The whole rabbi and chair thing?
Listen.
- I'd do it for yous.
- You would.
Alright?
There's gonna be so much
Vitale Catholic bullshit
in that fucking place,
it'll freak any of us out.
Tone, you got it.
Keep the lid on.
Hey, hey.
Let's go, sucker. Come on.
Time to go.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- What was that for, huh?
I saw that. Respect your
brother, alright?
No whoring.
Leave that to the old man.
Can't get it on.
Hey, hey, come on with
that, huh? Jesus.
Where's the monsignor?
On the golf course.
Father Mark loves the Mets plus
120. You want some of that?
Yeah, give me some of that.
Here, take it.
Padre, peace?
What's the score?
Oh my god.
- She looks so beautiful.
- I know.
Don't cry because you're
gonna make me cry.
Tina.
- Oh, look at Joey.
- Oh, Joey, you look gorgeous.
You're so grown up.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Stop this thing.
T, hold me before I faint.
Hey, it's just a panic attack.
Three things.
You're not going crazy.
You won't have to listen
to your mother anymore.
And it's me and you
from now on, okay baby?
How do I look?
You look cool.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Hey, Father.
I don't think she's feeling
too well so I was thinking
we could just skip right through
the mass, hit the vows.
What do you say?
Is that alright with you, Tina?
Yeah. Yeah, cause otherwise
I might barf and...
Okay, I'll have you
out of here in no time.
Please be seated.
Oh Heavenly Father!
We are gathered today to
celebrate the banquet of
life and witness the feast
of love which Valentina
and Anthony are to
share in marriage.
Let us begin by
remembering that love must
be a part of our lives and
we have not loved enough.
Amen!
Tina! Tina!
- Tina! Tina!
- Open it!
Get the door!
This fucking mut!
It's that jungle kid.
Hey, hey, sit down!
Welcome to God's house.
Turn around. Turn around!
Relax and make
yourselves at home.
Because this is your
church and so in the
presence of your church I
ask you Tina and you Tony
to state your intentions.
Okay.
Love grows.
Love grows like
flowers in the spring.
Love grows it makes
you wanna sing.
Give it kindness, handle
with care and before you
know it you're in love.
You're a pair.
Love grows in twinkling
stars and holding hands
and in kissing in cars.
Hey Nunz, Mets just scored.
Sunlight. Sunlight.
With the sunlight of friendship.
- Go on.
- Keep it going.
Let her go.
Our life, we bloom together
as husband and wife.
It's okay, grandma.
What, did somebody die?
Hey, it's the Vitales.
Love merges the lesser
with the greater.
Love merges me
with the universe.
My quest in life is love.
I and my father are one.
Aww, that's a beautiful
sentiment, Little T.
Isn't that nice, kids?
I am loved.
Therefore I am loved.
Yeah!
Repeat after me.
I, Anthony "Little T"
I, Anthony "Little T"
Take you, Valentina
Victoria, to be my wife.
Take you, Valentina
Victoria, to be my wife.
I promise to be true to
you in good times and in
bad, in sickness and in health.
I promise to be true to
you in good times and in
bad, in sickness and in health.
Forsaking all others,
give only onto you.
Forsaking all others,
give only onto you.
I will love you and honor
you all the days of my life.
I will love you and honor
you all the days of my life.
Till death do us part.
Till death do us part.
Tina.
I, Valentina Victoria...
I, Valentina Victoria...
Take you, Anthony "Little
T," to be my husband.
Take you, Tony...
Anthony "Little T,"
to be my husband.
I promise to be true to you
in good times and in bad,
in sickness and in health.
I promise to be good to
you in good times and in
bad, bed, bad...
In sickness and in health.
Forsaking all others,
give only onto you.
And forsaking all others,
give only onto you.
I will love you and honor
you all the days of my life.
I will love you and honor
you all the days of my life.
Till death do us part.
Till death do us part.
May I have the rings.
Barry!
The rings.
- Whoa, who's doobie?
- Is that a joint?
Such a stoner.
Take this ring as a sign of
my love and my fidelity.
Take this ring as a sign
of my love and fidelity.
Tina.
Take this ring as a sign
of my love and fidelity.
If anybody here knows of
any reason why these two
should not be joined
together in holy matrimony,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
I...
Fucker.
I'll take that as a no.
May God, the eternal
father, keep you
in love with each other so
that peace of Christ may
stay with you and be
always in your home.
Amen.
May your children bless
you, your friends console
you, and all men live
in peace with you.
Amen.
I gave him his Flomax.
By the power invested in
me by the state of New
York, I now pronounce
you husband and wife.
You may now kiss your bride.
Tony!
Due to the unusually hot
weather and the fact that
our poor church cannot
afford air conditioning,
we will skip the mass.
Skip the mass?
Go my children and
praise the lord.
What about Monsignor O'Reilly?
- T, get me out of here.
- Let's go!
- Party!
- Party!
Come on
Are you my Romeo?
I'll be your Juliet
Like maybe I'm Juliet
I was lost in a fantasy
Fairytale someone
read to me
A princess trapped,
kept upon her throne
Away from true love,
crying all alone
Now my prince,
a sweet mystery
All that you promise
to rescue me
I wake in my dreams
of forbidden love
Let temptation be
all I'm thinking of
You and I can be like
Romeo and Juliet
You and I can be two
lovers in the night
Hold me close and see our
figures in a silhouette
Rendezvous with me until
the morning light
For those of you who don't know
me, my name is Vinnie Black.
I am the Cadillac of
caterers and I welcome you
to the Coliseum.
My pleasure.
Folks, I am honored that Josie
and her late husband, Vito,
have entrusted me with their
lovely daughter's wedding party.
I've known Valentina
since she was born.
And she has grown into
a beautiful, full,
delicious woman.
Don't get me started.
And now folks, let's begin
the show by bringing in
the two very special
people who have made Tony
and Tina the great
kids they are today.
Let's welcome the lovely,
Josephina Vitale and
Mr. Anthony "Big T"
Nunzio Senior.
Oh look, it's Vinnie Boom
Botz and Morticia.
Guys, guys, could you just...
Beautiful, now go ahead.
Come on, hurry up, hurry up.
The beautiful Ms. Marina
Galleno and Mr. Johnny Nunzio.
Folks, move together please.
Could you move together?
Thank you.
Alright, good.
Go ahead. Go.
Oh look, it's Chico
and Harpo Marx.
Where's Groucho?
Guys...
There! That's beautiful.
Class, just pure class.
Donna and Dominic.
Our maid of honor...
Oh, Jesus.
That things bigger
than your face.
Okay, right here guys.
Move on.
Get a haircut.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, for the moment
you've all been waiting for...
Let's welcome for the first
time as man and wife,
Mr. and Mrs. Anthony
"Little T" Nunzio Jr.
Guys, guys.
Beautiful, up and...
Yes, good.
Go ahead.
And here they come to join us...
Tony and Tina, God bless.
And now folks, I'm gonna
turn the stage over to
none other than Donnie Dulce.
The rockin' and
rollin' Donnie Dulce.
Hey, I'm Donnie Dulce and we
are the Dead Poets Society.
Ow!
Thank you.
You guys may remember us
a few years ago, we had a
number one hit called Destiny.
Yeah!
Uh, we've been in a studio
for a couple years.
We should be coming out with
something new pretty soon.
Ain't that right, Zeppo?
That's Zeppo back there,
our new manager behind the bar.
Well, enough about us.
Let's clear the dancefloor
for Tony and Tina's first
dance as man and lady.
Oh, Tina, you're so gorgeous.
Ma, stop.
So beautiful.
Ma!
Ma!
Alright, and let's have
the parents join in.
Alright, entire bridal
party join in.
Destiny, oh our love
was meant to be
How am I gonna get
rid of this hard on?
You gotta dance with my mother.
That did it.
Destiny, you're the
only one for me
Come here.
You know, it's great to have
a broad in the family again.
You know that?
Oh, you know, you're gonna
have a beautiful honeymoon.
Of course we never
went on a honeymoon.
Vito had a job, two jobs.
Working for max sanitation
outfit and moonlighting as a
security man down at
the Bowling Blarney.
I mean, cause he wanted
to buy his own truck.
I mean, I thought he was
crazy going into garbage,
but he knew best.
He always did.
He never let me or
the kids down ever.
I know you miss
him, Mrs. V.
Good man is hard to find.
Very rare.
Seriously, I was watching
you guys up there today.
Mhm.
And I couldn't help but
thinking about myself, you know?
My early married life was full
of so much crap and turmoil.
I know, I heard, I heard.
Trying to get the Animal
Kingdom off of the ground.
You know, the place was
nothing but a nickel
peepshow when I took it over?
And look at what you've
done with the place.
Aw, thank you, Tina.
Yeah, but the thing about it was
everything was a big decision.
What do I do, what do
I do, what do I do?
- Do I go topless?
- Mhm.
Do I serve food?
- I took the high road.
- Mhm.
You're not gonna have
any of them problems.
No.
It's easy being a
kid today, isn't it?
Sure.
Ah, you know, I really
like talking to you.
- Me too.
- Yeah, you're very special.
Thank you. Okay.
Alright, thank
you for the dance.
Thank you. Tony!
Listen, is there something,
a special message
that you want to tell Tina and
Tony for their wedding?
Yes.
T and Tony, I hope that
you guys spend together
forever and ever.
I mean, you guys are
like the perfect couple.
And I only hope that
someday I find a boy who
is perfect for me like
Tony is for you, T.
You guys are gonna be so
happy together and you're
both gorgeous and I love you.
Muah.
To getting through the day.
So did you grow up with Tina's
family with her mom and her...
Well yeah, I mean, we're
all from Queens, you know.
And when she married Vito,
that handsome bastard,
they moved out to Long Island.
She got all uptown.
- You know what I mean?
- Oh.
- Like we were trash.
- Yeah.
Now what happened to Vito?
Oh, Vito.
I mean, you know, he was
stringing lights in a
fucking blizzard.
Oh.
And the thing went
over, the ladder.
You know?
But she was a slave driver.
She had him doing the lights
in a fucking blizzard.
But my theory is this, I
feel Vito leapt to his doom
because he was found, they say,
with a smile on his face.
Anything to get the
fuck away from her.
Alright, let's just
put the music back on.
She'll feel better.
Hey, I think she's
really hurt, dad.
No, this is the old
flash knockdown routine.
I've seen it a
million times, okay?
Alright, let's just get her up.
Tina.
Look, all I'm saying is,
T, if we make a big deal
about it, she'll milk it,
alright? I would.
Listen, ma, look it.
Enough, alright?
Come on.
Get up, get off the deck.
Okay, sit down right there.
Alright, everyone.
Grandma's okay.
So why don't we all settle
down and find our seats.
Let's go back to our seats and
how about a hand for grandma.
80 or 90 something
and still trucking.
God bless.
We didn't get to finish dancing.
Why are you being so selfish?
Me? She's the one
being selfish.
- Tina.
- Ugh!
I never seen her like this.
Wait till you get her pregnant.
She's gonna grab a
hold of your balls.
She's not gonna let go
until you're in the grave.
Oh, that's a nice, healthy
way to look at marriage.
What are you on, drugs?
Yeah.
Look, I'm just trying to
be an honest best man with
my best friend.
Save it.
You know, me and
Tony, it's uh...
It's been forever, you know?
It's more than
brothers, you know?
You know, I...
You know...
You know, I love him, you know?
- You do?
- Yeah.
I feel like you feel
very close to him.
No, I do, I just don't
want nothing to change.
You know, after this.
And you know, Tina, she's
great, she's the best.
Tina.
You know, it is
definitely gonna change.
I mean, he's going to move
away and live with Tina.
I'm assuming, right?
I mean, that's gonna
be difficult on you.
Yeah, I know. I mean,
that's what happens.
You know, you get married things
happen, things change, right?
- Yeah.
- I know.
Barry, Barry, Barry,
Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry!
Uh...
Tony.
Tina.
Uh, we've been friends
a long time, you know?
And we're tight.
I, uh...
thought a lot about what
to say and I, uh...
wrote some stuff down, but
maybe it's better if I
just speak directly
from my heart.
I never seen two people
who more hot for each
other than you two.
Sorry, sister.
Uh...
You two are meant
to be together.
You love each
other, you really...
You love each other and uh...
That's what the fucking
world needs more of.
That's it.
Oh, he's a regular Einstein.
Barry.
That blew me away.
Well...
She hung in there with me
for a few years and uh...
and so she hangs in there
with me for a few more.
- Here's to my beautiful bride.
- Salud.
- Tina!
- Tina!
Oh, I wanna make a toast, too.
I wanna make a toast.
Sorry, honey.
Okay.
Paula Abdul, Forever your
Girl, is my favorite video
of all time.
To Taylor Dane, Pat Benatar,
this Long Island girl's proud!
Yeah! Oh, and Madonna your sexy
videos make my panties wet!
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
To the two T's in my life...
Hey, hey, hey, that's
enough of that crap!
Save some for later.
Believe me, it don't
get no better neither.
Alright.
Tony, you're my
son and I love you.
And Tina, you're a Nunzio.
You're my daughter.
I only hope that you
can make him happy.
As happy as the love of my
life, Maddy, makes me.
I allow her to create, she
allows me to procreate.
Know your place, suck some face.
Such a beautiful
thing, isn't it?
Hey, everybody, listen!
Save your wedding invitations.
Take them all to Animal
Kingdom later, I'll give
you ten percent off any drink.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Alright, that was beautiful.
Pops, the human cupid.
Well we wanna make a toast, too.
I would like to toast
my beloved husband.
Tina's father, Vito.
Who's beautiful life was
cut short a year and a
half ago because
he liked Christmas.
He loved Christmas.
And he wanted those
friggin' lights up on the
roof before the 15th.
I mean, he should've never
been up on the roof that day,
but you know, he was never
one to shirk from a job.
Even if no one was
there to help him.
Hail, Vito!
Hail, Vito!
Come on, buddy,
raise your glass.
Hey!
Oh, shy guy.
It's alright, Dom.
It's alright.
I'll take care of it.
- For Vito.
- Calm down, it's alright.
What are you doing, Michael?
I told you you had to be good.
- Vito.
- You have to be good.
Now behave yourself or
I'm gonna throw you out.
- I'm sorry, Mrs. V...
- This is Tina's wedding.
Behave yourself.
Please, Father Mark.
A blessing and a prayer.
Hey, hey!
Pope spelt my name wrong.
Well that's what you get
when you get a Polish pope.
You know, on that note,
let us pray.
Oh heavenly Father!
We ask that you bestow
your many blessings upon
Valentina and Anthony.
In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Amen!
Amen. Amen.
Thank you, Father Mark.
Holy water from our holy
fountain blessed by the
Pope himself on his
last visit in 1979.
Father Mark, ladies
and gentlemen.
Just that you have a
beautiful place here.
Thank you very much.
It was inspired by
the movie Spartacus.
You know, I saw that movie
when I was a teenager.
I was very impressed by it.
My parents ran an Italian
restaurant and you know,
I used to eat there.
And uh, I was always
involved in food and
eating and cracking jokes.
You know, in high
school I was...
I remember Tony Pitzicarda
once said to me...
What are you comedian?
And I was as a matter of fact.
You know, they didn't slap
me around because I kept
them laughing all the
time, see so that's uh...
We merged the food, the
comedy, and my natural
inclination to
entertain, you know.
Came up with the Coliseum.
Oh!
I invented it basically.
You invite Michael...
Hi, girl!
Well...
Did you know that
olives make you horny?
Yeah.
- Eat it.
- Hey, come on.
What are you doing?
Hey!
Catch the friggin' olive.
Hey, watch the suit before
I make you clean it.
- Hey! Hey!
- Oh!
That was nasty.
- Men are so gross.
- Yeah, gross.
Oh, you've had a hard on
for Barry ever since
you got pregnant.
No, she's right, T.
She gotta watch
him all the time.
Look at Johnny hitting
on that queer bouton.
Yeah, but Dom
wouldn't do that you.
He loves you.
No, cause he knows I'd kill him.
But I know he does
it behind my back.
They all do it.
Always checking their options.
Listen, girls, we're here
to carry the bloodlines.
Sex all the time, they're
trying to blow you up.
Then you got the baby,
it's the Elvis thing.
The what?
Elvis.
I read, once his wife had
a baby, he stopped having
sex with her.
Some kinda weird mommy thing.
Barry?
No.
Looks it's like I told Marina...
I said, honey, get
yourself a good vibrator,
a good dog, and a good
cleaning service.
That is all a woman needs.
- Amen.
- Right.
On my wedding day,
you're telling me this?
Y'all need to get
your heads checked.
No, you get your head checked.
Why do you think I'm
putting off Dom?
Hello, he wants to blow me up.
I ain't in no
hurry to marry him.
Alright, well thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go commit
some suicide.
Oh, T.
Mm!
Hey, can I get a
plate full of ziti?
Hey, Tone.
Tina okay?
No, she's been acting weird.
And this is just today, right?
It's out of the blue.
Yeah, it's freaking
me a little bit.
You ever hear the phrase,
the apple don't fall far
from the tree?
What?
- Oh no, gross me out.
- Listen, Tone.
I mean, I'm sorry to say,
but why you think I've
been holding off on Donna?
You know, she's been bitching
to me about getting married.
Yeah?
Listen, last Christmas I
was at her place and I saw
the way her mother just
fucking beat on her dad.
Got me to thinking.
No, no, no.
Tina hates her mother.
Not my Tina.
Well I fucking hope so, Tone.
I do for your sake.
No, not my Tina.
Ma!
- Ma, ma!
- What is going on here? What?
Ma, there's no
prosciutto in my ziti.
Ma, ma!
There was in mine.
It's not from the second tray.
Oh my god, you're right.
It's empty.
I know, it's nasty.
He's not getting away with this.
Just get over here.
- Oh ma, don't make a scene.
- Eh, Joey!
I mean, this is really where
you gotta see a resemblance.
I don't know.
You know, when they're
not together every day
it'll wear off.
It's bound to.
Josephina and our bride.
What the hell do you call this?
- Ziti.
- Right.
We paid for prosciutto
stuffed ziti and there's
no prosciutto!
Well there should be.
You know, the help these days.
You're taking advantage of
me because I'm a widow.
You know if daddy were
here he'd punch you!
I'll refund you $100.
And then you'd wake up
and he'd punch you again.
$29.99 for boiled pasta?
Okay, a hundred and a quarter.
$150.
You got it.
I just want yous to be happy.
Fine.
Alright.
Alright.
You gonna do some more
jokes for us later?
Of course.
Vinnie was always the
funniest guy in school.
My pleasure.
Yeah.
You know what?
Check that.
Make that stinger a lemon ball
and put a vodka seven in a
soda glass for me, alright?
Hey, you got the
game on back there?
- This good?
- It's good.
Can't put the game on.
Vinnie don't want it
on during the wedding.
Sorry.
Hey, Mikey.
Hey, Barry.
How's the video business?
It sucks.
Hey, listen.
You fuck with Tony,
I break your face.
Cool.
Here you go, chief.
Hey, Father.
Hey, you gonna
have a strong one?
Oh, no, no. On duty till the
end of time, you know?
Hey, Bar.
Would you uh...
You feel okay about
ordering me one?
Hey, Zeppo.
- Yeah.
- Get this dope a scotch.
One dope scotch, coming up.
Can I have a beer please?
- God bless, Father.
- Here you are, chief.
Uh, excuse me, another
scotch please for him.
Beer for you, sweetheart?
Golden voice, golden voice.
Thank you.
Here you go, hon.
Hey, can I get a beer?
Thank you.
I work at the Animal Kingdom.
I don't know, maybe
you've heard of it.
You know, some of the
girls at the uh...
Doing exhibitions at the
Kingdom make upwards of
forty, fifty dollars
a night, you know?
I mean, it's no Uncle Sam.
Wow. You're kidding me?
No, it's true.
But uh, I mean...
You know, it's um...
It depends on the act, you know?
You know, it's...
If you wanna come in
one night, maybe one
afternoon, you know?
Maybe I can help you put
something sexy together,
you know?
Listen, asshole.
I'm a singer in a hot band
that had a top ten hit a
few years ago.
Why the fuck what I wanna dance
butt naked in your shithole?
Jerk.
Nice said, Celeste.
See ya, asshole.
Come on, keep trying.
Hey listen, Donny.
Uh...
How about playing some Madonna
or the Boss, you know? I mean...
Well, we don't play
Madonna or the Boss.
We don't do no covers, we just
do our original material.
Yeah, I understand that,
but Tina and I talked about...
No, no, I'm sorry, man.
Hey, Zeppo.
Zeppo, is this the big gig you
were telling us about, huh?
For two weeks?
They don't even know
who we are, Zeppo.
Hey, man, they love you.
- They love us?
- Yes, absolutely!
Maybe we're not in the
same club here, Zeppo.
They hate us.
Look man, when we gonna
get back in the studio?
Studio? Studio's maybe a month,
a week, maybe six months away.
It's right around the corner.
Alright, what is
the dealbreaker?
- Huh?
- Truth?
- Yeah.
- Rap.
Hey, Zeppo, honey. Can you
do more than a little bit?
I'll be right with
you, sweetheart.
- Thank you.
- I love your hair.
Oh, thank you!
- Rap?
- Rap.
They're looking
for a little rap.
It's kind of a new wave deal.
You know.
We don't change our sound
for nobody, alright?
Fuck rap.
Sorry, Father, but fuck rap.
We are power ballads.
Absolutely.
Stay with it.
Power ballads forever.
One hit wonders.
I still love these guys though.
What do you need, boss?
I didn't even know
any of those songs.
You got it.
I want a girl like you, man.
You're a happy guy.
I'm saying hi to Tone here.
That's perfect.
Why don't you give a
little message to Tony and
Tina to my camera?
That would be very
nice for them, no?
I don't know.
Um...
Uh, well I just, I
hope, you know...
I hope that you're
gonna be happy, Tony.
Um...
I mean, you know what
you're doing so I don't
need to be talking
about that, I just...
You are very sweet.
- That's very nice.
- Um, yeah.
Hey, you guys.
Let's go get high.
Let's go. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
Johnny.
Hey, Johnny.
Do you wanna eat with me?
Hey, come here.
Buzz off, alright?
I'm getting laid tonight.
I'm getting laid tonight.
You two should get together.
Barry, get me a drink first.
Baby.
When we getting out of here?
Not until I get really
drunk, really sweaty, and
really horny.
You two should go visit
each and every table and I
mean right now.
Here's your booster bag.
Ma, we will visit when we want.
I said now.
Ma, I am married now, alright?
I will visit when I want.
Barry, Dom.
Barry, Barry, Barry
Have you seen that
cute blonde out there
I was talking to before?
Yeah, yeah. The one you've been
drooling over since church?
I've seen her.
Well, come on, it's
not obvious, is it?
Johhny, she's like...
She's sitting at
the kiddie table.
- What is she 13, 14 years old?
- Fucking fag.
No.
No! Man, it's just...
Those tits, are you
kidding? No, no way.
Whatever, Johnny,
you're the expert.
You've seen that ass.
Oh, right now!
Smoking weed!
Tony is beautiful.
The baby's gonna be beautiful.
And I gonna wish them they
have a lot of baby and
that I gonna be a grandma
and they gonna talk Italian.
Nobody talks Italian, no?
They wanna be American.
Eh, what are you gonna do?
They go to school in
America, they come over
here and they talk Spanish.
I don't understand.
Nobody talk Italian.
Tony no talk Italian,
Anthony no talk Italian,
Tina no talk Italian.
All alone, I see you
standing there
With nothing left to
show me but your tears
Feeling sad,
what can I do?
Pour some shots, come on.
Pour one for her, too.
- I don't want one right now.
- Just take one.
Here's the thing...
Like Frank, I'm getting
into the autumn of my years.
Dad, keep a lid on it.
No, no, no, I am really.
And I've been breaking my
ass all my life to build a
respectable strip joint from
what was nothing but a...
But a nickel fucking peep show.
That's right.
And building you boys a damn
good home while I was at it.
But the thing is, I
think I've done enough.
I wanna phase myself
out of the club.
So if you want it,
you can have it.
You gonna take that
drink now, baby?
Wait a minute.
You're trying to be nice
and give this as a wedding
gift of the most important
thing in your life.
T, he wants me to run
a fucking strip club.
- Live stock and pasties.
- Dad.
That's the most generous thing
you've ever done in your life.
I mean, let Tina
and I sleep on it.
Oh, I'll fucking sleep on it.
Fuck you.
There's a few little
strings attached, okay?
You're gonna take care
of your idiot brother,
Johnny, for life.
Put a roof over your
grandma's head, and of
course, there's my golden
parachute, but these are
minor gotsies we can
work out later, alright?
The important thing now is
to let loose, have fun,
it's your wedding because
believe me, it's all
downhill from here, huh?
Huh? Come here.
- Uh, excuse me.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Come here, Tina.
Come on.
Sit on daddy's lap.
Come here.
You know what?
I don't think it's a very
good idea right now.
Why, what's the matter?
You got a little gas?
Hey, where you going?
Come on!
Keep your fucking
father away from me
for the rest of the night.
Hey, he's my dad.
Yeah, unfortunately.
Listen, he's trying
to do the right thing.
That club's his life.
His, T.
His, not mine or yours.
Do you not remember how
you told me you hated it?
I know, I know.
Listen, nothing's changed.
I can't wait for us
to get out of here.
You know, just by ourselves.
Hey.
What's with the long faces?
This is supposed to be the
happiest day of your lives.
What was that?
All I'm saying is nothing's ever
gonna be the same again.
That's good because things
as they are kinda suck.
So fucking stupid, Barry. Ugh.
Marina.
What are you guys doing?
Fighting already.
He's the cause of all this shit.
I know it.
I'm gonna kill him.
Hey, just chill.
Chill, bro, chill.
You don't wanna spend your
honeymoon in sing sing.
Yeah, you'd be popping
the wrong cherries.
Check out the fucking slut.
She's a fucking burden.
Now listen, do you have a
boyfriend, a special boy?
I do, his name's Dominic.
He's very hot, but he's
really kinky and sometimes
it's like a little
too much for me.
And I really like
Donnie, the band singer.
- Oh, he's cute, right?
- He's gorgeous.
Now do you think you're
going to get married to Dom?
I don't know.
Maybe someday I will,
but he wants to get me
pregnant and I don't wanna get
the stretch marks over here.
Yeah.
Cause I already have some
on my ass and I don't
really like it too much.
- Yeah.
- So I might, I might.
Or maybe I'll adopt, like
a kid from, you know...
- Russia or something.
- Amazing.
I hear they have a lot
of kids over there.
Really?
That's what I heard,
that's what I was told.
It might not be true though.
His idea of a good wedding
gift is the Animal Kingdom.
Your mother would freak if you
were running the strip joint, T.
She'd fucking flip her lid.
She wouldn't be
able to handle it.
- Hey, Tina, bathroom?
- It's over there.
It makes me wonder
about, T, you know?
Instead of backing me up,
his wife, he's kissing up
to the old man.
Where's Tina?
And where's Uncle Louie?
He went, you know...
By himself?
I think I'm drunk.
Say a prayer.
Find him.
Shit.
Alright, that's enough, Donna.
Listen to me, you one hit pussy.
Stop!
Ow!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Sit down.
- Sit down, Donna.
- Fuck you.
Sit down.
Get the fuck out of here! Go!
Get the fuck back!
Listen to me, Donna.
Everybody who fucking
sees you running around
that fucking faggot
- Do you know what that makes me?
- What?
It fucking makes me
an asshole, Donna.
You know what, Dom?
You are a fucking asshole.
What the fuck you...
Donna!
Just fucking please stop.
Please fucking stop
dancing with him, okay?
You're making me look
fucking ridiculous.
What?
What? What's so
fucking funny?
Come here, baby.
Come here.
I love you, baby.
Hey, go.
Fucking go.
Uncle Louie!
Oh my god, he's peeing
in the holy water!
Uncle Louie!
No more diaper for me.
I'm a man.
Oh my god.
Wait till I tell everyone!
Joey, what's wrong?
It's Uncle Louie.
He peed the fountain.
Don't say a word or Vinnie
won't return our deposit.
How's everybody doing?
Here's a blast from our past.
Our first number one hit
in Japan, I Believe In You.
I'm cutting in.
I'm cutting in.
It's hard sometimes,
not to be afraid
Okay, Michael,
you're drooling on me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I can't stop thinking
of you like that, Tina.
In that way.
But we were only together once.
I live with so much regret.
Tina, I desire you all the time.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, Tony.
Yeah, I know.
She's dancing with that freak.
She's just trying
to make you jealous.
Yeah, like that'll work.
Okay, alright.
- Alright, okay.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Okay, two shots please.
- Uh oh.
Come on, come on.
Zip Dick, let's go.
- Hey...
- Come on, Zip.
Don't be hanging around
with that dick anymore.
Don't talk to me
like that, alright?
You're not my fucking mother.
There you go, sweetheart.
Thank you.
They're wonderful kids,
but this language...
It worries me.
I mean, I never been
married, but I have great
respect for women.
And I do not like...
Will they hear this?
I do not like to
hear women swear.
It bothers me terrible
because you know a woman
is a wonderful thing.
And a man is a good thing, too.
A man, I suppose, they swear...
I mean, they would on the
baseball field, they spit,
they swear.
I don't know.
That's alright, but uh...
Women are beautiful.
They are madonnas.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh my god!
- Joey, not on my dress!
- Not on my dress!
No, stop it.
- Louie peed in the fountain.
- Peed in the fountain.
Uncle Louie peed
in the fountain!
Uncle Louie peed
in the holy water.
A toast to the Nunzios!
Alright, I'll
get you another one.
You want another one?
I'd like to propose a
toast to the Vitales!
Alright?
Get me another drink.
- To the Vitales!
- To the Vitales!
Oh, Connie!
Connie, Connie, Connie!
You should do the next toast
cause you're the maid of honor.
Yeah, Connie, come on.
You're my maid of honor.
Cut me a break, I'm tired.
Connie, you're my maid of honor.
I'm pregnant, Tina.
Well not too fucking
pregnant to be drinking.
Listen, little girl.
My mother drank, I drank.
Your mother yaps, you yap.
Like mother, like daughter.
You're fired.
Donna, you're my
new maid of honor.
Why can't I be the
new maid of honor?
You're it next
wedding, I promise.
Come on, get your glasses up.
Come on. Shut the fuck up.
She's giving a toast.
Okay, get your glasses up.
Shut up!
Shh! Donna's making a toast.
To Tina.
You're a righteous girl and
I've been you're oldest friend.
I love you.
I swear to god I
would eat your vomit.
- Aww!
- Aww!
Check please!
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's a great fucking toast.
You're having a baby.
Two weeks.
Two weeks. I know, I know
she's gonna be a girl.
I just, I know it.
And I her name's
gonna be Angela.
Oh, I love that name.
I have a pig named Angela.
You do?
But she's blind, and she has
one leg, but that's okay.
My baby's not
gonna have one leg.
My baby's gonna fine.
My baby's gonna be healthy,
and you know what?
There is nothing, nothing
proven about if you smoke
or if you drink it's gonna
do something to your kid.
Alright, it's not gonna happen.
I didn't say that.
So he's as drunk as a skunk.
How old was he, Nunzi?
So anyway, I open up
the bar to these three
little pricks, right?
Johhny, Dom, and Barry.
They're all fucked up,
hammered, demolished.
But I finally get them
to go the fuck home, and
there's Tony sitting
there all alone.
- Remember this?
- Yeah.
So I go up to him and I go.
Yoo-hoo!
You want something who will
have some fun with you, right?
And standing there right before
him, are three whores I got
not wearing a fucking stitch.
His face hits the floor.
Right? So I figured
I'd leave him alone.
What would you do?
Alright, you're 13, open bar,
- three whores at your command.
- Bang.
I go away, I come back,
this little prick he's
passed out on the bull
machine and his skivvies
and the girls are playing
Caribbean poker or some shit.
Oh no!
He never got it up, they say.
So I say, oh yeah?
Well you god damn
bet his daddy will!
Fucking with my joke?
I guess it just came out.
Ah, Nunz, the kid don't
mean nothing by it. It's...
You embarrass me in
front of the shwim?
I'm just a little
tired of that story.
You respect your father.
So anyway.
I take him upstairs and they
earned their fucking money.
Oh, there you go.
Talk about earnest!
Whoa, fuck that!
What the fuck you doing?
What's fucking wrong with you?
Michael, Michael.
Hey, you like to
smoke weed, right?
Alright, look.
This is for you, okay?
But it's really weak so I want
you smoke the thing, okay?
Oh, Barry, man.
You're the coolest.
You're so much smarter than
these other guys, man.
You know, I was always
baffled how you keep a
straight job, and you know,
push pot at the same time.
Just keep her at home so
she never cheats on you.
She never cheated on me.
Not yet.
Hey.
A lifetime of teaching
whores how to dance
doesn't make you
an expert on women.
Not Tina anyway.
Let me tell you
something, kid, alright?
Every bad quality a
woman has gets bigger
when they get married.
Listen to your old man.
Absolutely.
Barry.
Hey, Nunz, where you going?
I thought you were
getting rid of him.
If this guy's as stupid as
I think he is, he's gonna
be comatose in about ten
minutes and then we'll
just pick him up and we'll
lock him in his van.
Listen, this place
is scaring me, okay?
We gotta wrap this thing up
before all hell breaks loose.
I mean it.
Hey, you guys remember that
time at the Animal Kingdom?
When that guy
lit himself on fire.
Hey, hey, cut the shit.
Cut the shit.
I'm serious.
That's what I'm talking about.
- So...
- Barry!
- Holy moley.
- Jesus.
She's a nightmare since
she got pregnant.
I'm gonna give you one piece
of wedding advice, Tony.
Wear a rubber.
Now how do you feel
about being a father?
- Oh shit.
- You're going to have a baby.
Tell me about it.
Whatever, it's cool.
You know, things gotta change.
Look, Connie's a great girl.
She's a great girl
and uh, you know?
We're gonna have a kid and uh...
That's cool.
Do you have any names
picked out for them if
it's a boy or a girl?
I was thinking maybe like Jimmy.
That's a nice name.
That's my...
I have a cousin named Jimmy.
- Yeah?
- Yes, we call him Jaime.
He's a midget.
He's very short.
What the fuck you talking about?
No, I'm just saying.
I have somebody in my family
that was named Jimmy.
That's a very nice name.
Now what if it's a girl?
I came up with Jimmy.
That's all I came up with.
Father Mark, no one likes me.
It's true.
I mean, even Tina and
Donna only kept me around
cause I had a credit
card or I had a car.
They both owe me so much money.
You know what though?
Without them, I'd have nothing.
No one.
Will you dance with me?
Please, it's the Tarantella.
Come on!
Please.
Come on. I'll
teach it to you.
It's fun.
Come on, please.
Come on!
Ma, ma!
Sal! Sal, get in here and
take pictures of my daughter.
Right now.
Nunzio. Nunzio.
Get your kid in here to dance.
Anthony, get in here.
Come on.
Are you happy now?
Let's dance.
- What happened to you?
- What the fuck happened...
Why are you here all
of a sudden? What?
Too busy at the fucking bar?
Thank you, Donnie Dulce for
that wonderful Tarantella.
And now folks, let's all
take our seats because the
magnificent wedding cake
is just around the corner.
My gladiators and slave
girls are happy to get you
anything you need.
Fellatio, grab bags, myopia.
They're all here to serve you.
Tina, you alright?
Listen, what did the Nunzio's
get you as a wedding gift?
The Animal Kingdom.
What?
- Oh my god!
- Hit him!
Fucking freak!
He's chimping, man.
He's fucked. I'm gonna
get him to his van.
Tina!
Let's not fight.
Italians are lovers
not fighters.
Hey, do you know why the
Italians lost the war?
They used spaghetti
instead of shells.
Hey, where are my
Jewish friends tonight?
You heard the one about
the Jewish kid who comes
home, he says, "Ma, I just
got part of the husband in
the school play."
She says, "you go back
and tell them you want a
speaking role!"
Speaking of Jews, you know why
they can't keep Jews in jail?
They eat lox.
Shut the fuck up.
Thank you. God bless.
I have a wonderful
memory of Tina.
I was saying a rosary
once and I was using a
particular rosary
that's very rough.
And my fingers were
getting slightly bloody
and Tina, she was about
three at the time, came up
and kissed every single
one of my fingers so that
it wouldn't bleed anymore.
Isn't that beautiful?
You guys had sex, didn't you?
T, knock it off, alright?
Why are you always
defending him?
What kind of hold does
that freak have on you?
What kind of hold does
your daddy have on you?
Where did that come from?
Tina, I wanna see you now.
Alone.
Ma, I'm talking to Tony.
I'm all set.
Tina.
I'm gonna teach you
how to handle your man.
Ma, chill out, alright?
Do you think I really
wanna run a nudie bar?
I was just wanna
go to the bathroom.
Not yet.
What?
What do you mean, what?
I wanna know what, what,
what you feel about this
whole club business?
Why'd you tell her for?
Oh, you were gonna
keep it a secret?
No, I just thought that
since we were married maybe...
Oh heaven forbid,
we should delve into your
life coven here
with my daughter!
Well T, I told her
because she's my mother.
Is this what I got
to look forward to?
What, cause now I'm a Nunzio
I can't talk to my mother?
I just wanna go to the bathroom.
Look Tony, I know
you understand.
You really understand how we
accept and work, you know?
Accept these things of
your father's business,
but you know?
I-I-I gotta tell
you, had I known...
and I know I speak
for Uncle Louie, too.
Had I known that this was
gonna turn out like this,
I never would've given my
blessing to this marriage.
Having you drag my Tina,
my Tina down...
Ma, shut up!
Oh my god!
I swallowed my gum.
Filth! Swimming in filth!
Aunt Josie!
And Aunt Clare, Sister Clare!
I just came in to do
my afternoon prayers.
Sin, sin, sin, sin, sin.
- Father Mark!
- Hey.
What the fuck's going on?
Thank you both so fucking much
for ruining my wedding day.
Maddy, you fucking deserve him.
I'm sorry, Tina.
What the!
In front of the penguin, dad?
Oh yeah, thanks a lot!
Another wasted
friggin' erection.
What is the situation with
you and Tony's father?
What is going on there?
You had to bring that up?
Sorry.
He's a difficult man, you know?
Long time ago we had a...
Ooh, you had relations with him.
- No, no, god, no!
- No?
Did you ever kiss him?
- No, well...
- No?
No, I never kissed him. I...
Are you sure,
Mrs. Vitale?
- You seem a little...
- I'm sure.
No, no, no.
I never kissed him.
I mean, you know, it was a
flirting thing in high school.
I liked him, he liked
me, but then Vito came.
Vito, my Vito.
Vito, I miss you so much.
You should be here on our
daughter's wedding day,
but it's alright.
Do you think he would
be proud of her today?
He would be so proud.
My Tina's so gorgeous.
Tina, I love you.
You are so beautiful, my
one and only daughter.
Father Mark!
I need to confess.
Josie Vitale.
Come on, Josie.
Santa Lucia.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Josephina Vitale has the
- voice of an angel.
- Ma, ma!
She's the soloist
in her church choir.
Let's have a warm
round of applause...
Oh, no, ma.
Ma, no, no.
I really don't want it.
Tina, smile.
Smile, this is the
happiest day of your life.
Come on.
Ma, ma, ma!
Come on!
Have you seen those Menudo boys?
I mean, my god, you know?
Joey.
Tony...
The Vitales dedicate
this to you.
Welcome to the
family, God bless.
And now ladies and
gentlemen, the Dolcetones
of Josephina Vitale.
Aww.
Thank you, Vinnie.
Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Oh God.
Uh...
You know, I wanna dedicate
this song to my beautiful
daughter, Tina.
You know, my mother sang
it to me at my wedding,
her mother sang it to her
at her wedding, her mother
sang it to...
Well, you get the idea.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What'd you think of
Tina's reception?
Beautiful.
It's all I have to say.
Gorgeous.
I know myself knowing I'm
an image person and I work
with a lot of design.
Shape, color, tone, volume.
I'm being...
I'm studying to be a one-hour
photo lab technician.
So I understand magazines,
glossy periodicals and I
can see from the design of
this that what she's made
here is something
to be remembered.
And I know I will.
And I hope she does.
Sal, where are you?
Come on.
Get up here and take pictures.
I'm paying you to take pictures.
Now the rest of yous,
you give a dollar, ten
dollars, twenty dollars,
in exchange for a dance
with the bride
and groom, alright?
Okay, line up, line up.
- Ma.
- Oh, look!
Uncle Louie gave $20 and
grandma Nunzio a dollar.
You're acting like an idiot.
So what else is new?
You're my wife now.
Doesn't mean you fucking own me.
What happened to you?
Oh, fuck off.
Tina.
- Tina!
- Daddy, I'm so sorry.
Where are you when I need you?
If I can get normal, if
I can just get normal,
everything would be okay.
I've ruined my wedding day
by the way I can see with
all of our families.
He knew it was gonna be a
disaster. He wanted to elope.
But everything always
has to be my way.
Daddy, I'm so sorry.
I promise I'll never drink.
I promise I'll never
do drugs please.
Tina, come on.
T, I'm so sorry.
Hey, Tina, cut the bull.
Let's make up.
Make up!
I don't wanna make up.
I have the rest of
my life to make up.
Everything's over, T.
Our marriage, our
wedding, everything.
Joey, I have to go
to the lady's room.
Just keep an eye on things.
Got it.
Hey, hey, ho!
Enough of that crap!
Zeppo, cut the PA and the mic.
You got it.
Give me the mic.
Let's have fun.
Here you go.
Alright.
Are we ready for
some real music, eh?
Fucking A!
Tina, the Nunzio's
dedicate this to you.
Introducing the girl of
my dreams and the karaoke
queen from Queens, let's
give it up for the
beautiful Maddy!
That's it!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
I don't wanna play on
your electric guitar
I just wanna ride in
my daddy's red car
Best in the business.
I don't have to wish
no shooting star
I just wanna ride in
my daddy's red car
Here, give her some.
Alright, throw it up.
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Come on.
American princess
Oh my god.
Yeah!
Yeah, that's it, baby!
- Woo!
- Woo!
Yeah!
You like gladiator movies?
He's turning my daughter's
wedding into a stag party.
Ronaldo, get the
hell out of here.
He's turning the Roman Coliseum
into the Animal Kingdom!
Do something!
In Sicily, we call
that foreplay.
Hey, dad.
- You gotta help me with Tina.
- Hey, hey, you made your bed.
- Lie in it, come on.
- Dad, I'm serious.
After what you did to me turning
your back on me like you did?
- Anthony.
- Get out of here.
Ant, get her down.
Get her down.
- Alright, Maddy.
- Hey, hey, hey!
What are you doing?
Hey, I don't want
this at my wedding!
Oh, what are you embarrassed
of your family now?
What are you, a Vitale?
- Get down from there!
- Hey, hey, hey!
Back off, boss, or
I'll call the cops.
Call the cops on me,
you goddamn hoodlum.
Oh, so you finally
pussified my son, huh?
You can't talk to me like that.
- Oh really?
- You live in the gutter.
You're dragging my
daughter down with you.
Let's get something
straight, baby, alright?
You puke, you fought, and
you fuck just like the
rest of us and you grew
up doing it three lousy
blocks from my gutter in Queens!
- Don't speak to me like that!
- Oh yeah?
Next time why don't you
bring a big "Don't speak
to me" sign and I'll
pipe it up your ass!
You goddamn son of a bitch!
If Vito were here, he would rip
that crap out of your heart!
Tina!
I dedicate this concert
to you, babe.
- Oh my god.
- Oh my god!
Barry!
- Rock and roll!
- You gotta be shittin' me!
Tina!
What the fuck is happening?
I got him, I got him!
Left to right in the outfield.
Get away from the cake!
Get the fuck down from there!
Dom, shut up, shut up.
Oh my god, that yellow's
so unfortunate.
You gotta relax.
Don't do this. I know
it's been a long day.
I know how you feel about Tina.
I feel the same way, but
you gotta relax, okay?
- What's he gonna do?
- Alright?
Take my hand, come on, come on.
It's alright.
Tina forever!
That cake tastes like shit now!
Clean him up.
- My wedding is ruined!
- Barry?
Barry.
For the last time, get him
in his fucking van and
bring back the keys.
I wanna see the
fucking keys, okay?
Barry, get him the
fuck out of here!
Right now!
He's got Tony and
Tina on his ass.
No friggin' way
I'm touching that cake.
Check, please!
Dominic, go easy!
Let's wrap this turkey up.
Do the short version.
You got it, Vinnie.
Grab Max, get the
cake, bring it out.
Let's go, come on!
Fuck off, Tony!
You fucking dick!
We gotta take control
of this situation.
- Alright.
- Alright, after you.
You're not Mrs. Nunzio.
Ugh, not kidding.
Mega fucking prick.
Tina, come on.
Mrs. Nunzio.
You know, here have
another one, Father.
- Come on.
- Nah.
No, no, no, have some!
It's good. There you go.
- That's enough. Drink up.
- It's good for you.
So basically what we're
talking about here is an
annulment, alright?
It ain't a divorce
because they haven't had
intercoursal entry
yet as man and wife.
Anyway, look, Jo.
Mrs. Vitale, I'm sorry.
I understand.
We have to speak frankly.
- Am I right?
- I know.
Look Father, you know as
parents, we're obligated
to expect the worst.
That's right. It doesn't get any
worse than this, believe me.
No, it don't get no
worse than this, man!
You people have lost
your goddamn minds!
This whole wedding is
going to hell and
I ain't never been around
crazier white people.
- Hey, chill out, bro!
- Sit down, relax!
You're so tense, my god.
Here, drink this and
you'll feel better.
- I don't want to drink.
- Listen, Jo.
Just a sip...
Listen, I understand
how this works.
Okay, listen.
Who can you reach out to?
Let's go, come on.
- Who can you call?
- No, no.
Desmond Tutu?
The Pope?
There must be somebody.
Who's above you?
Who's the guy behind
the guy behind the guy?
- Come on.
- I don't want your money.
Look at this. You can
get something nice.
A change of clothes.
Something.
Give it to the church, you know?
Get a new swimming pool.
A nice sauna maybe.
Or you know...
Something for the guys
to enjoy together.
Come on, take that.
- The monsignor...
- Expedited.
Probably could find
use for the money.
All those little
orphan kids, somebody.
Somebody'll take it.
I'll talk to the monsignor and
see what can be worked out.
- There must be something.
- Bless us all.
Here, take the rest.
There you go.
Alright, here we come.
We're coming in.
One.
Two.
Three.
Come on, T.
I ain't looking at him.
I ain't looking at him.
I don't fucking care.
Put me down!
- The fuck are you doing!
- Knock it off.
You're a Nunzio now!
Come on.
Throw the flowers.
We're getting out of here.
You throw the fucking flowers.
Throw the goddamn flowers.
I-I-I am a Catholic and I just
can't make heads or tails
of good and evil.
You know, good and
evil it's a con...
We're all in constant conflict.
And we're not in conflict
if you'd just let it happen.
I meant look, what I'm
trying to say is...
You know you have a devil
and angel on your shoulder.
They constantly are
arguing, not bickering.
Let me control this.
Whoa.
What I'm trying to say, Rafi.
I can call you Rafi
instead of Raphael.
You gotta go with
the flow sometimes.
This is no more than a drink.
You know? Um...
I'm not ashamed.
You should be ashamed
of it, but let it go.
Are you okay, Father Mark?
I'm, I'm fine.
Um...
Sometimes it overtakes me
and I don't know where I go.
You know where you're going.
That's why you should
still be that way, but you
decide that you wanna
drink, but you don't need
- a drink, but take it any...
- Oh!
What I'm trying to say is, um...
that there's a good
and evil in all of us.
Let the evil take over.
You're a little tramp.
Well you should've thought of
that before you married me.
You know, if I thought about it,
maybe I wouldn't have
married you.
You know what, T?
It's not that fucking late.
You don't need this
and I don't need this.
Yeah, yeah.
He's got the...
Yeah! Yeah!
Donna!
- Dominic!
- Donna!
- Get over here you!
- Oh Dominic, I love you!
Who's your man, hon?
You are, baby, I
love you so much.
Okay.
Okay.
You saying you're
leaving me now?
Better now than
after we have kids.
Well that'll be a long time
because first you gotta grow up.
Oh, it'll be even longer
than that because
I ain't having kids in
a fucking porno shop.
Oh, it'll be perfect because
mommy's such a tramp!
Fuck you, T.
You look at me and I can
see the feelings gone
What happened to the dream
we planned our future on?
You turn away, try to
say what we both know
Baby, I can't let you go
Let you go away
Cause I don't wanna
lose your love
I don't wanna be the one
who's brokenhearted
Oh! To Tony and Tina.
Yes, actually, I would
like to say that I give it
five months tops and then
I think they going to get
divorced because I do not
think that marriage is
natural and I think that
they should just have a
lot of sex and maybe
babies if they want, but I
don't think that they are
going to stay married.
Oops, I'm sorry I said that.
Is that bad, but
that's the truth.
That's how I feel.
Sometimes these things are
a blessing in disguise.
Ma, was supposed to be
the best day of my life.
I know.
- T.
- T.
Look, you want us to
spend the night with you?
I don't... maybe.
We could all come over
like we used to.
No, no, no.
Listen, listen, listen.
You're gonna come home tonight.
You're gonna get a
good night sleep.
And in the morning, I'm
gonna lay out all your
options for you.
Okay, Tina?
Come on, look at me.
Tina!
I got it all under control.
What?
I got it all under control.
You do?
Of course I do.
Oh, you're so bad.
Joey.
Start the conga line dance.
I can handle this.
- What's your problem?
- It's alright, baby.
- Conga line, conga line.
- What's the story, what?
Listen, just for the
record, I want you to know
that you turned my daughter's
wedding into a freakshow.
- Hey.
- Just like your...
Your Animal Kingdom over there.
Hey, don't break my chops.
What do you think I'm
a mameluke like Vito?
Yeah, he'd still be alive
if you didn't have him
stringing Christmas
lights in a blizzard.
Oh, what are you talking about?
When he leapt to his death, he
had a big smile on his face.
Oh, you liar.
And you know something, baby.
I'll tell you what.
You can kiss my big ass.
How's that?
Get in the line.
It's a Vitale tradition.
Oh my god, you must be drunk.
Get in the fucking line.
Ladies and gentlemen.
We seem to have a uh...
minor problem in the kitchen.
Now folks, will you
help us out please?
Folks, everyone's gonna
have to leave the building
and my gladiators will show
you to the nearest exit.
Good luck, god bless.
Forget about it.
Hey, hey, hey.
I've been looking
all over for you.
I hear family's mix pretty well
together, don't you think?
Oh okay. Well listen,
I was wondering...
You wanna go out sometime?
I don't think so.
Why?
Because you're a
Nunzio, asshole.
Check, please.
You're asking for a check.
Grandma, come on.
Come on.
Uncle Louie, this way.
Come on.
Do you need your diaper bag?
- No, no, no.
- Are you sure?
- No.
- Whoa, what's going on?
Is Vinnie torching the place?
You came back.
Yeah, I had to.
We're married.
It says so on the car.
Wait, T, do you still love me?
Yeah, Tina, I still love you.
They still love each other.
Okay, come on.
Let's go.
Come on, let's get out of here.
You, Tina and Tony,
run as far away from
your family as you can.
Oh, si. Why you think grandpa,
we come to United States?
To get away from
the crazy family.
It's in the blood.
Go have babies.
Mix up the blood.
Oh, she's right.
You're my wife now.
That's the only good thing
that came out of this.
I can't believe my father
had me running away from
my own wife.
I can't believe my mother
tried to divorce us before
the reception was even over.
Hey, want your ring back?
Yeah.
Come here.
- Angelina!
- Louie!
- Tina!
- Oh shit!
Tina!
- Ma!
- Tina, come back!
Ma, move on!
It's over!
Where you going?
That's it, I'm leaving.
I gotta move on, dad.
What do I do with the club?
Give it to Johnny
if he wants it.
He's a tomato or half-wit.
Tina, you're acting rash!
Rash? Ma, I've known
T for ten years!
That's not acting rash!
- Listen to me!
- Ma!
- What?
- This one's a nut.
Her daughter's no
better, alright?
There's a serious kind of
mental illness here that I
recognize in you know who.
I can just see you running
down the street crying.
Hey! Leave mom out of this.
That's enough.
Who brought you up,
the flamethrower?
Ma, get out of the car!
But it's over!
Me, you, the Animal
Kingdom, everything.
Tina, let's go.
Tina, if you go,
I wash my hands!
Ma, I bet daddy did this
to you on your wedding day.
Tony, is not your father.
Well, I'm not you
either, ma, alright?
You raised me to think this
is the best day of my life,
but I know better.
The best is yet to come, baby!
Baby?
Baby?
- Baby?
- I love you, ma!
Baby?
She's gonna have a Nunzio baby!
In your dreams!
- Tony!
- Tina, my baby!
- Come back here!
- Come back here!
You don't know
what you're doing!
Oh, Tina, she's gonna
have a Nunzio baby!
Hey, Tony!
We're attached at the hip, baby.
Well I was thinking
about somewhere else,
but that's alright.
- What the...
- I'm getting married!
- You're crazy.
- Fuck it, I'm doing it!
Dom, elope!
Take my word for it.
Elope!
We did it, baby!
Woo! We're free!
Yeah!
- Woo!
- Woo!
- Tony!
- Tina!
Sometimes we're feeling like
the world is against us
Sometimes it seems like we
just don't stand a chance
We find it hard to put our
faith in a friendship
We find it hard to put
our trust in romance
I'm breaking
out of the hood
Driving in my limousine
Just a kid from Queens and
I'm full of my dreams
Hold on tight and
don't let me go
Hold on tight
We'll make it together
We've got tonight so
who needs tomorrow?
Just a kid from
Queens, baby
So hold on tight
Yeah, yeah!
New York's my city, baby
Oh yes, I'm ready
Broadway lights and the
way they shine for me
I'm gonna make it there,
I'm going to break in there
Come with me, darling,
it's a big guarantee
It's okay to say no so
we're still in the show
I wanna be with you, baby,
so don't make me crazy
Hold on tight and
don't let me go
Hold on tight
We'll make it together
We've got tonight so
who needs tomorrow
Just a kid from
Queens, baby
So hold on tight
Oh yeah!
Let me be the one you turn
to when you feel alone
Let me give you a
heart to count on
There's nothing to fear
We'll make it I swear
Take hold of my hand
We're half way there
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!
We're kids from Queens
Yeah!
It's okay to say no so
we're still in the show
I wanna be with you, baby
Don't make me crazy!
Hold on tight and
don't let me go
Hold on tight
We'll make it together
We've got tonight so
who needs tomorrow?
Just a kid from
Queens, baby
So hold on tight
Hold on tight and
don't let me go
Hold on tight
We'll make it together.
We've got tonight
Tomorrow will follow
Just a kid from
Queens, baby
So hold on tight
Yeah, yeah!
Kids from Queens!