Top Gear - The Great African Adventure (2013) Movie Script

Hello! Thank you, everybody, thank you,
and welcome to what is a Top Gear Special,
a two-part adventure
around the heart of Africa.
We were each told to buy
a second-hand estate car
here in Britain for not more
than 1,500 quid.
And then we were told to report,
with our cars,
to the start line, which was
in a small village in rural Uganda.
So, you've seen Sir David
Attenborough's take on Africa,
now it's time to see ours.
'I was the first to arrive
and I was feeling a bit nervous.'
As you can see, I've gone for
a BMW 528i, and on the internet,
it looked fantastic.
But, I've now had the chance to
examine it more closely,
and one or two things are giving me
cause for concern.
For example, it's got a manual gearbox.
Now that tells me the previous owner
was the sort of chap that
likes to take it to the max
between gear changes.
Secondly, the front tyres are Pirellis,
the back tyres are made by a company
I've never heard of.
So that tells me
it's been run on a tight budget.
I don't know what the challenge
is going to be,
but I'm going to be doing it like that.
Hang on, that is the throb
of a turbocharged flat-4 engine.
A sound which, all over the world,
heralds the imminent arrival of a moron.
'And it did here, too.'
It's Richard Hammond, everybody,
who I suspect has started to dye his hair.
See what you think.
Hammond!
And there it is.
It is, yes.
Well, there can be only one word.
Legend. Subaru Impreza WRX estate.
And driven by emeritus professors
all over the world.
Yes, yes. No, no.
Just hang on. Here's my thinking.
I don't know what challenges face us
here, but think about it.
Subaru stands for
Toughest-Thing-On-The-Planet,
WRX stands for world rallycross,
which the Impreza just owned.
It's all there. Four-wheel-drive,
turbocharged estate.
But you're going to look stupid doing it.
I don't have to look.
I know I'm wearing double denim,
and that is a mistake,
but you've got Daktari trousers on,
and the wheels of the agri-yob.
Actually, it looks a bit like you.
What?
You know, small, and with
a sort of surprised expression.
"A tree!" Yes.
"A house!"
Well, then, that's perfect.
My face in that car.
Honestly, I'm so chuffed.
This time, I've done this right.
Big boot. Practical.
Practical?
So, what have you got?
528i, rear wheel drive, 2.8 straight-6.
How many miles has it done?
151,000. This, though, is the last
of the mechanical 5-series.
After this, they started using computers.
What, their solid state?
This is simple, mechanical
engineering. Anywhere, listen.
Yes?
James isn't here. No.
No surprises there.
I know for a fact what he's got.
Go on.
He'll have a Volvo.
Yeah.
He'll have gone... Yes, yes, yes.
Because you know he's got
no imagination at all.
'As it turned out, James did have a Volvo,
'but not the sort of Volvo
we were expecting.'
That isn't an 850 R, is it?
It is, it is!
That's a bold call!
Gentlemen. Yes?
You bought an 850 R?
It doesn't matter, it's a Volvo.
This defines the estate car. Nothing
else is an estate car, only this.
Have you seen the tyres on an 850 R?
Well, there aren't any.
It has tyres.
It's just a thin veneer of paint
on a wheel.
But they're high-performance tyres.
It's a high-performance car.
I know. It does 146mph.
Do you remember
British Touring Car Championships?
These were great fun to watch.
Yes. And they were on dirt tracks,
weren't they? No.
Racetracks. Yes.
Do you think when Volvo sat down to
the design the 850 R,
they said, "Now, Africa."
"We need to try
and get some market share over there,"
"so let's lower the suspension,
fit very low profile tyres."
They didn't think that in so many words,
but when you design a Volvo,
you design it for everything.
It doesn't look at home, does it?
That looks at home.
That looks at home on the M4
in the outside lane,
too close to the car in front,
being driven by an embittered
toner distribution manager.
He's right.
Let's be honest.
That's going to beach.
It's not. It is!
'As we argued, a challenge arrived.'
Hello.
Thank you.
"You will find
the source of the River Nile."
That's it? That's it.
So we're Livingstone, Burton and Speke!
Yes, we are.
And I have the right car!
Come on, for exploring.
If Livingstone was still alive...
He's not, is he?
No. Ken Livingstone is,
but it's not Ken Livingstone.
If the other, explorer Livingstone
bloke were alive,
he would drive a Subaru Impreza WRX estate.
Yeah, but Speke, my favourite of all
the Victorian explorers, Beemer man.
Was he? Yeah.
So do we just go that way?
Well, do you know,
I'd head downhill, personally.
No, no, uphill!
Right, uphill.
Looking for the source of a river, uphill.
Here we go.
The source of the...
The source of the River Nile.
The Nile, the longest river in the world.
A mighty 4,000-mile ribbon
of year-round water,
running from the heart of Africa
to the Mediterranean Sea,
bringing life and sustenance to millions.
Finding its source has occupied the minds
and claimed the lives of explorers
for thousands of years.
Roman legions, Arab traders,
the Victorian British.
All have forged a path through
the fast heat of this awe-inspiring
continent to find where the raging
torrent came from.
And today, we would join that
illustrious band of brothers.
We would take up the challenge
no matter what the perils,
no matter what the hardships,
no matter what...
I'm sorry to interrupt myself,
but I think we have a problem.
Erm...
We've found it.
Right.
Erm...
Erm...
That is Lake Victoria.
It is.
Man has known for 160 years
that Lake Victoria
is the source of the Nile,
and it's not like we could miss it.
It's quite large.
It is the size of Latvia.
Is it? Yeah.
This exploring is not as hard as
I thought it would be.
No, my car hasn't suffered at all.
No, I'm fine.
What are we going to do for the rest of...?
We're only a few minutes in.
We could pretend we haven't.
If we stand like this...
No, because you can hear it.
You can't miss it.
What?
Look, we've already found it, you idiot.
That is the source of the Nile.
"This is not the source of the Nile."
It is.
"The source of the Nile is still disputed.
"The Victorians thought
it was Lake Victoria,"
"but today we know this huge body
of water is fed by many rivers."
"One of them is the true source,
and even today, in 2012,"
"experts have not been able
to determine which it is."
"You will."
You know what?
This is an opportunity for us
to write ourselves into the history books.
I mean, finding the source of the
Nile, if we can say this is it...
And then it would be marked on a map,
and we'd be able to go, "That was us."
This is quite a big one.
That's quite good, actually.
I quite like that.
What?
It says experts have not been able
to determine which it is.
Yeah.
Well, where do we fit in?
'We broke out the map, and
discovered that two places
'are currently marked
as the source of the Nile.
'One in Burundi, found by
a Dr Burckhard Waldecker,
'and one in Rwanda, found by Joanna Lumley.
'And since our source had to be
further from the Mediterranean
'than either of these two,
it had to be further south.'
Hang on, hang on.
Here's the Nile, OK, but look.
The Nile also comes here,
into this lake, and then this lake,
which is connected to that lake.
It doesn't say on the map,
but if these two are connected, look,
this will be the source of the Nile,
down here.
Yeah, but if those two are connected,
I think we'd know about it by now,
and they would have drawn it on.
No, no, you say that,
but David Livingstone thought
the source of the Nile was down here.
So what we need to do is go here
and establish that these two are joined up,
check it out, we're in business.
And so our epic journey began.
A journey that would see us taking
on nature at its most brutal.
There would be lions, insects
and thick, glutinous mud.
We'd have to climb every mountain
and ford every stream.
And we'd have to do it all in three
second-hand cars we'd bought
for less than 1,500 quid each.
Right, my car.
Well, it's got quite a sticky
throttle, but other than that,
every single thing works,
even the air conditioning.
I've never, ever had a car with
working air conditioning
before on one of these trips,
but I have now, and it is joyous.
The Impreza is all about that engine
and drivetrain.
You're just aware,
constantly, that this is rally-bred.
The other two, they're just sporty
versions of ordinary estate cars.
This is the best car here, fact.
It's a cracking car, the Volvo 850 R.
This one's done 145,000 miles.
It's just clicked over, in fact,
onto that figure,
and you wouldn't really know.
It's so smooth,
the transmission is excellent,
the engine is silky, everything works.
Except the air conditioning.
But at least that saves me
the effort of getting really annoyed
when the other two deliberately
break it out of spite,
jealousy and small-mindedness.
Crikey! It's the Ugandan rozzers.
I think the President's
just driven past us.
A couple of rules you need to know,
really, about Uganda,
if you're coming here.
Number one, if you're a male
homosexual and you indulge in
your homosexuality, it's life imprisonment.
That's very important to know.
Also, it is compulsory here for
motorcyclists to wear crash helmets,
unless you are a woman on her way
back from the hairdressers.
Then you are allowed to wear
a carrier bag on your head instead.
I promise that's true!
At this point, the producers
told us to stop off
at the still bullet-scarred
Entebbe Airport.
It was here, in 1976, that Israeli
special forces staged a daring
operation to rescue passengers
from a hijacked airliner.
Wow, look at this!
I'll tell you what, I couldn't be
Israeli special forces.
You'd get out of breath.
I'm exhausted.
They'd be sitting there thinking,
"Help, here comes help," and then...
"Sorry, just give us five!"
More bullet holes.
'Out on the balcony,
we saw something a bit worrying.'
Is that a Ford Scorpio?
Where? There.
It is.
Estate.
I'd say that's there for one reason!
That's why they brought us here. Funny.
Funny. Because what that is...
That's the forfeit car. It is.
If one of our cars goes wrong...
Which, let's face it, James,
yours is going to break in half.
I've always liked the Scorpio!
You have not!
You know that word you like,
James, gopping?
It is gopping!
That was invented. Nothing has ever
been more gopping than that!
'And as we prepared to leave,
'it looked like one of us
would soon be driving it.'
That's full throttle.
It's revving, slightly,
but I'm not doing it.
You know this all-mechanical BMW of
yours? You were very proud of that.
Yeah.
Does it have a fly-by-wire throttle?
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha!
So it's all mechanical, except that bit?
'Jeremy broke out his vast
and sophisticated toolkit.'
What else is electrical in here?
Not the exhaust manifold.
I've done the fuse box,
if that's what that is.
That's an air filter.
Right.
"It's all mechanical,
you can mend it with a hammer!"
If this works... Yes?
Ha-ha-ha!
Soldier on.
With my throttle still not
working brilliantly,
we set off for the lakes.
But first, we had to get through
Uganda's capital city.
Kampala.
This is going to turn out to be
one of those places
with terrible crash statistics.
In fact, Hammond was wrong.
Because to have a crash,
first you have to be moving.
Holy cow!
That is...
We're never, ever, ever
going to get through.
What are we going to do, seriously, here?
We're never,
ever going to get through there.
'It's probably safe to say
the Victorian explorers
'didn't face problems as big as this.'
Jesus!
Sally Traffic, are you watching
this on Radio 2?
Because this is what we call a traffic jam.
From now on, just go, "Everything's
going very well in England, really."
My God.
Hammond, this is phenomenal.
It is the heaviest traffic ever, ever seen.
This is just like a scrapyard
on the road in front.
Cars and vans piled on top of each other.
Going to finish our days here.
Well, we're all right if we want supper.
I fancy a banana.
Excuse me?
'Not knowing the exchange rate,
I accidentally bought more than one.'
No, it's all right. Do I have all of them?
Christ! Bloody hell!
How do you do that?
How the hell do you do that?
I can't!
Three hours later, our average speed
made for grim reading.
It must quieten down soon.
It's evening now.
'But it didn't.'
It wasn't a dream.
I'm still here.
I can't get over how heavy those
bananas were.
How could she have them on her head?
'By this stage, we were pretty famished,
'but then breakfast turned up.'
Wow, that's just a meat
feast in front of me here!
Hang on, look, look. Right.
Well, you were here first,
so do I buy yours?
More bones.
Bone.
What, it's goat bone? Yeah.
I don't want that.
How much is the water?
Yes. How much is that?
This one. It just happens to be that.
Obviously, it is. Of course it is.
Thank you very much.
No, thank you. I've got one.
What is it?
Is it a chair leg?
Soon we found a dual carriageway,
and, at last, the traffic started to move.
Freedom!
That's it, that's the end!
We headed west, towards the lakes,
surprised at how easy this
exploring was turning out to be.
This is just tremendous. This
is like being in northern France.
Look at that ahead.
Ha-ha, Hammond, you don't need a Subaru.
This road is fantastically smooth.
Apparently it was built by the Chinese
in exchange for some oil deal.
It's like the Swiss have done it,
or some Austrians.
Yeah, right now, we could be on the M4.
But the point is, further on,
if things get tough, if we end up
off this road and on tracks,
the other two will be completely stuffed.
I will have the last laugh.
Wow!
It's my town!
We've just entered Jezza.
No!
When I say we've just entered Jezza,
that's a disgusting thought.
We've come into Jezza.
No, we haven't come into Jezza.
Even though we were
on an important mission,
I decided we should pull over
and have a look around.
Jezza church.
They've actually had a church
where they worship me.
Protect and serve?
I've never seen that and those close.
That doesn't make any sense at all.
My name is Jezza.
Your name is Jezza?
My name is Jezza.
What do you think of that?
You'll like this, James.
There is Jezza's back alley. Well found.
At this point, to demonstrate that
Hammond's car was too small,
James and I bought him a present.
Do you like it?
We like it, because it's really
the dralon. Yeah.
Because we know you like dralon
because you're from Birmingham.
And we know that you like
the peacock and cheetah blend
which gives an African and
yet Birmingham flavour. Yes.
And I've put it in my car
and we know it fits.
We know it fits, and mine.
It fits in both our cars.
Does it? Yes, it does.
Does it really? Yes.
Precisely into your car?
It's snug.
Snug.
Anyway, Hammond. There are plenty
of people here who can help you.
Good. Let's pop it in the back of my car.
OK, now, maybe I could...
I think he's started to dye his hair.
Do you?
Have a look. He's 45 and
there isn't a grey hair.
You know Paul McCartney? Yeah.
Have a look at that.
I think if I maybe...
Easy, yeah. That'll fit.
Yeah.
Erm...
Is it nearly in? Let's have a look.
Pretty close.
What you've got now is a big rear spoiler.
That's how it runs.
Right, I think it's time to
pull out of Jezza.
I just hope no-one sees me doing it.
'As we headed further West,
we discovered that rural Uganda
'is the world capital of the speed hump.'
God!
Ya-ya!
James is now regretting selecting the R.
If they get any bigger,
I've had it, if I'm honest.
'Annoyingly, though, the speed mountains
'didn't seem to worry the agri-yob.'
Easy. No problem, goodbye.
'But Jeremy and I suffered,
for mile after graunching mile.'
That's it, no more.
Apart from that one.
But that really was the absolute last one.
Whoa!
My God!
Relax.
Not yet.
'As night started to fall,
it was time to look for a hotel.'
'And Hammond thought we'd stand
a better chance of finding one
'if we switched to the side roads.'
'Which was a great idea'
Whoa!
Whoa!
I can't stop!
You idiot!
I can't stop it!
Well, I can't stop it, either!
I'm enjoying the sounds
of disaster behind me.
Hammond, there had better
be a really good hotel
at the end of this.
These buildings down here,
there'll be a very nice hotel.
One of those with a posh book in it.
So, in your mind, because
there's tea being grown,
there's a sort of plantation house
with a veranda and somebody saying,
"Would you like a gin sling?"
People in white linen suits with
hats on have to come to tea
plantations to test and buy tea
for supermarkets.
I've seen it on the television.
They will need hotels to stay in,
there will be one near the tea
plantation, if not in it.
Fact.
Hammond.
'What?'
If we're about to rejoin that main road,
I'm going to have to get out and
kill you very slowly, I'm afraid.
I believe that is what has happened, yeah.
Still, at least it's a lovely evening.
There you go. I told you there
would be a hotel, and there it is.
I don't see anybody coming out to
help with our luggage.
So, let's go and check in.
Jesus.
That is characterful, isn't it? No.
Have you heard of those boutique hotels?
Small, with a style all of their own?
You're getting that room.
This one's got a chair and a table.
I don't think you'd even notice
the smell after a while.
My God.
Hammond!
The next morning,
desperate to redeem himself,
Hammond called an emergency
breakfast meeting.
Let's just face reality here.
We're in Africa, and we're not in a
big, touristy bit of Africa, are we?
No.
All the hotels are going to be like
that or worse, and I've had an idea.
If you suggest camping,
there will be a live
and celebrated television death.
Your love affair with tenting...
No, I'm not camping.
It's not, I...
Let me finish. I haven't said tents.
We've all three got estate cars, yeah? Yes.
Why don't we sleep in the cars?
We can control it, it's ours,
they're dry, warm...
Just get in the car.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Get a sleeping bag, sleep in your car.
I could get a mattress that hasn't
got excrement all over it.
But seriously, you could get
a mattress in your car, easy.
I could easily get one.
I'm not sure about you.
Did you have that as an idea?
He sort of did, yeah.
Come on, it's like camping,
but it's not camping,
because there's no tents.
No, you're right, it's a good idea,
but don't do that, "Come on,"
as if we're supposed to go,
"Hammond, you're brilliant,
"you've redeemed yourself with quite
a good idea." He hasn't.
And this is where you've brought
me for breakfast.
No breakfast, then, obviously,
because Christ The King,
as it turns out, is shut.
Which means that Christ The King
hasn't risen yet.
That's the problem.
Right, come on. It's a plan,
it's stuff to do.
'We split up,
'and set about getting the stuff
we'd need to convert our cars.'
The best hotel room I ever stayed in
was in South Beach, in Miami,
and what I'm going to try and do
is replicate the decor there
in the back of my Beemer.
Morning. Morning.
Do you have any white cotton?
And it's got a cockerel on it.
Yeah, I'll have one of them
and the kettle. Thank you.
Nails? Yeah.
Deal.
There we go.
And this is half inch? Perfect.
That's quite a lot, isn't it?
That's more than I expected.
I didn't think it was this long,
I'll be honest.
Erm...
Sorry!
Yes.
This kind of size, for me. Small.
Standard size.
"5' 7" is enough.
"Well, 5' 7" and a half.
'With all our materials bought,
we set to work.'
This is epic!
'And then met up to reveal our creations.'
Gentlemen, behold the future of exploring.
I've given this some thought.
It'll be a mouse cage.
No. Look! Wow!
Let me talk you through it.
I'm just going to climb into
the sitting area at the back,
but it's not just a sitting area -
note the footwell for the feet.
Where the spare wheel was? Yeah.
Where's that now?
It's gone. There's a bin in here.
But you can't fail to notice the kitchen.
Burners, gas, taps,
running water, cold and cold.
Do these work? Yes, yes.
So you've got a gas bottle in here?
Yes.
OK. No, that's fine.
And a storage cupboard,
full of useful things for me.
Along here, everything
I need for cooking and eating.
And where do you sleep? There.
There's the bed. You see? Let me get out.
Leopardskin sheets.
We are in Africa.
Come and have a look, see.
You can go in by the side entrance.
Question.
Yes? Our gift.
Well, there wasn't room for it.
Actually, that is
now my upstairs sitting room.
Is it?
Well, let's move on to have a
look at May's car, shall we?
You will see a gentleman
explorer's quarters.
It's got a globe,
it's got a telescope, it's got maps,
it's got music.
It's a library, James. Yeah.
Things you don't need when you're
looking for the source of the Nile.
Number one, library.
Well, if you look carefully, you'll
see some of the books are about
exploring, plus there's a selection
of English poets to read in bed.
Do any of the books contain the
exact location of the true source
of the Nile, in which case it's
a rather wasted exercise anyway?
No, but it's inspiration.
So there's a library in the front. Yes.
And I'm guessing, in the back,
some kind of dungeon.
Whoa! That's not a dungeon, is it?
It's a living quarters
combined with a workshop.
That's... I'm genuinely astonished.
Would you like me to run through
what's in there? Not really.
May I just sneak in, do you mind? Yes.
That doesn't look terribly comfortable.
It's been good enough for the Army
for several hundred years.
And this will just make you itch.
It's an itchy blanket. It's designed
to remind you how lucky you are.
So you can cook food for us, you can
mend mechanical things that go wrong.
Keep us going. What have you done?
What have I done? Yes.
You might want to come and have a look.
I should warn you, there are two
electronic things on this car.
The throttle, which is broken,
and the electronic boot release,
which is broken,
so I've fitted a manual replacement.
And there you are.
What I've done is I've filled it with
Egyptian cotton and duck down.
Erm...
Is that a coffin? Yeah.
Who knew a coffin was dual purpose?
But it is.
It could be used for bodies, or I've
used it as a chest of drawers.
Washing things, clean clothes,
dirty clothes and shoes.
Can I just say, it's all very nice,
but you haven't
considered your colleagues' needs.
Well, there are two features on this
car that you might be interested in.
In the front, gentlemen, we find
here, instead of a passenger seat...
So you have thought
of sustenance, a fridge.
That's good, that's good.
And it runs off the cigarette
lighter in the car.
That's a tradable commodity
you've got there.
It is, but something even more
useful than beer.
No, actually, no.
Nearly as useful as beer is
what I've fitted over here.
A shower.
And if we peel back the curtain...
It's a complete bathroom in there.
Yeah. So, you lower this window...
It lowers it automatically?
Hang on. Yes, it does, but...
It's not going.
There are three electrical components
on this car, as it turns out.
I get it. The window goes down, and
that lowers the bog seat,
is that right? Yes, exactly.
That's quite theatrical.
It doesn't work, but it's very...
Well, the battery's somehow gone flat.
I suspect the fridge is drawing
quite a lot of power. Mmm.
Can I have a jump? No.
'With the BMW re-energised,
we set off once more for the lakes.'
'So, here we are now,
Livingstone, Burton and Speke
'in full explorer mode.'
James, with those modifications,
will have added,
got to be getting on for a tonne,
which will have reduced his ground
clearance
from one inch to much less than one inch.
What an idiot.
I have made it quite heavy.
'Still, could be worse.'
I've uncovered one design
feature in here that I don't like.
The driver?
No. Every time I brake, my curtain closes.
Braking.
'Despite my terrible hardship,
we carried on,
'and soon we turned off the road
'where the speed humps were frequent...
'..and onto a road where
they were continuous.'
God!
Nice. Washboard gravel. My favourite.
'Once again,
though, the agri-yob was unfazed.'
More like it.
Finally, I get to do some Subaru-ing.
Woo-hoo!
Ha-ha-ha!
Because we were now off the beaten
track, we started to encounter
more animals, but sadly,
as we saw in Botswana,
the Top Gear cameramen do struggle
when they're not filming cars.
No, there!
Did you see that, Hammond? It was a monkey.
Did you get it?
Elephant!
What elephant?
Elephant on the right-hand
side of the road.
This is strangely familiar,
you telling me about animals that
you've just seen that I haven't.
Ha-ha-ha!
You evil sod!
That reminds me of a television programme.
James, can you think what that
television programme was?
Shut up, shut up!
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Was it Richard Hammond coming to
you from a tent in the dark?
Was it that one?
Hammond, there was a little man,
and he kept saying,
"I've had an amazing day,
I've seen lots of animals,"
"but sadly, this is live
and it's dark now."
Shut up!
'Eventually, we arrived at Lake Edward.'
Whoa, that's a beautiful lake.
'So beautiful, in fact, we decided
to stop on its shoreline
'for a night in our new accommodation.'
Right, let's pitch the tents. Done.
Beer? It's already chilled.
That would be lovely. I'll put dinner on.
God! What?
My bed's gone out of alignment.
You've got problems. There we go.
What's your problem? Nothing.
No, what's your problem?
Nothing. I think the chair,
the fringe has just slightly...
What is your problem? Dear!
Is this every single thing?
I'm just going to tidy up.
It's Hammond's kitchen nightmare.
'We sat and watched the sun go down,
'looking forward to Heston Hammond's
delicious dinner.'
I'm enjoying the bean course. Yeah, good.
What's next? Beans.
Can you honestly not cook anything
other than beans? No.
What's that? Fly paper.
Do you still not like insects?
You know, they've got their place.
In the world, or something.
Is it in your car?
No.
'Then, it was time for bed.'
Nobody in the history of Africa has
ever been more comfortable than this.
I'm under a layer of duck down and
Egyptian cotton,
I'm watching Kristin Scott
Thomas in a film where
she's bound to do
lesbionics at some point.
I've had some beans.
This is just heaven.
What's for breakfast?
Beans.
'Today, our exploring would
begin in earnest,
'but first, we had to mend
Jeremy's car, again.'
What you need under here is an M8 screw,
and a home-made little clip made
out of tin, which I've got in there.
Easy.
'While I was doing this,
'Jeremy had time to develop
one of his theories.'
Gentlemen, this is a map, OK,
of what all these famous explorers
told the Victorian English was Africa.
Now, look at the Sahara Desert.
Which is really tough and difficult,
we've been there, it's horrible.
All done, every nook and cranny explored.
This is really tough.
Sudan, impossible.
Awful. All done.
But, here, in this pleasant
garden of Eden where we are now,
unexplored territories.
What was holding them up?
Here?
Yes.
It's not mountainous, every tree
has got food growing out of it.
It's a good point, when you think about it.
There's nothing here that would
stop you. Gentle wooded hills.
Temperature? Lovely.
Yet they kept coming out here and saying,
"Very difficult,
I must go out there for five years."
"I shall probably be lost."
It all stinks a bit, doesn't it? Yeah.
So let's just work it out.
England, go home.
"Would you like to go to Mrs
Simpson's piano recital"
"this evening?"
Or they come out here,
dusky maidens, lovely temperature,
very pleasant views, great food, get a tan.
Write home, tell them it's awful.
Yes, exactly.
Send a letter. "Dear Mrs Hammond."
"It is with a heavy heart that
I write to say"
"we have not seen Richard for three years."
"He's in the vice-like grip of,
what's that name? Fever?"
"I'll put that in. Malaria, yeah."
Basically, our conclusion is that
Victorian explorers were just
a bunch of hoorays on a very long gap year.
Yes. Yes.
Is that right? Well-funded gap year here.
With all that cleared up,
we set off to do exploring.
Our task was to scour the
perimeter of Lake Edward to see
if any of the rivers we crossed were
flowing into it from the lake below.
If it turned out these lakes were joined,
we would head south to find the
true source of the River Nile.
Follow me. River this way, gentlemen.
Right, this is actual off-road,
and it's starting to rain.
That's more like it.
Feeling confident about your choices
of car now, chaps?
Are we moving, Hammond, or not?
Yes. The question is for how long,
and James, you've gone very quiet.
Yeah, yeah.
This car is just masterful.
Whoa!
'James's masterful Volvo was now
minus its protective skid plate.'
Dear.
Look, it's all under the car.
"They laboured for six long months
to cut off the plastic spoiler."
You do that, I'll go
and write to your loved ones.
Would you, would you?
Make it sound a bit better.
Put a lion in it, some fever.
Build it from there. Exactly.
'With the Volvo mostly mended,
we got back to exploring,
'and unlike the Victorian hoorays,
we decided not to shilly-shally.'
This is Top Gear exploring.
High-speed exploring!
This is good.
We will cover some ground.
'In the racing Volvo, though,
life was not so good.'
This is going to be bad.
I'm going to have to stop for a minute.
'Our colleague was in considerable pain.'
'So we left him behind.'
"Dear Mrs May."
"James has suffered a terrible
back injury wrestling a lion."
"He will be home, in maybe five
years. Please send money."
River, Hammond, river.
Hello, exploring to be done!
'We needed for it to be flowing north.'
I've got 68 degrees east.
Yeah.
It's no good to us.
Here we go. More exploring.
Yes, now I've got a siren.
It's going that way, east.
River.
That's the angle I want you to tell me.
East. It's no good.
'When Captain Backache caught up...'
Whoa!
'We still hadn't found a river
flowing in the right direction.'
I think this is our final bridge.
I think it's the last river.
We don't need to throw
a stick in that to see
which way it is flowing, do we?
Not really.
It is going that way.
Sort of southeast. Southeast? Yeah.
'Our theory about the two lakes being
connected was in tatters.
'Our expedition seemed to be at an end.
'So that night in camp,
the mood was despondent.
'But then, while poring over
the maps, I noticed something.'
Wait a minute, wait a minute...
Hammond! May! What? Come here,
come here, come here.
You see it says here, "source du
Nile"? Yes. Source of the Nile.
That is Joanna Lumley's, and that is
the furthest the water has to
fall down a very wiggly river yes? Yes.
This one is in Burundi,
this is the furthest the crow
flies from the exit of the Nile.
OK? Yes. Yes.
I believe they are both wrong. Right.
Where is the exit of the Nile?
Alexandria,
which you can see on this. There.
So their rivers flow through Lake Victoria
and then go there to another sea,
inland sea, effectively.
The Mediterranean isn't even
tidal, just like Lake Victoria.
The actual exit of the Nile is Gibraltar,
because that is where it goes into
the ocean. The ocean is here.
Their sources are both to
the west of Lake Victoria.
I see what you mean.
We are looking for a river
on the east side of Lake Victoria.
Do you see what I mean?
Because it is further...
It is further from Gibraltar.
And I have found it.
Gentleman, the actual source of
the Nile is around there.
Southeast of Lake Victoria.
That is as far from Gibraltar
as you can get. You follow a river
called the Grumeti, or it's a
tributary of the Grumeti,
which I have traced back.
I can't work out exactly where
it is but it is about here.
That is the furthest as the crow flies
and it is the furthest the water flows.
That is extremely good.
We are here, we have to get from where
we are on completely the wrong side
of Lake Victoria to the other side,
that is going through
Rwanda, Tanzania, to there.
It is such a long way. It is a long way.
It's worth it though, isn't it?
'The next morning,
'the Top Gear crew prepared for the
long journey that lay ahead.
'Hammond, meanwhile, cooked
breakfast.' Careless.
'And I fitted a new skid plate to
protect the underside of my Volvo.'
'Nobody is allowed to
use my car as a lavatory any more.'
You can hear my improvised
guard working there,
protecting my vital intercooler
from mud and sharp points.
To be honest it is
a bit of an improvisation,
it's not the thickest steel there is.
You have to work with what you've
got out in the bush.
I had a cold shower this morning,
my penis was like a press stud.
Again.
Out into the wilderness, in my
little mobile house. Hello, chaps.
Are you both stuck? 'Are you stuck, James?'
'I have gone into a bit of a soft
bit, are you stuck?'
I tell you what, let's find out.
Come on! Ha-ha-ha!
I've improved
the style of the Subaru no end!
I'm free as well. Ha-ha-ha!
Thank you, guys, that was a trap,
wasn't it? A bit, yes.
You evil sods.
We pointed our cars at the border
with Rwanda and set off on
a 600-mile journey to what we now
knew was the true source of the Nile.
I wonder if we are heading towards
that massive rain cloud.
Yes, we are, aren't we?
"Africa" by Toto.
As the miles rolled by, we started to
climb into the mountains.
Wow, this is very, very pretty, here.
'But, we couldn't really admire the
view, because the road was starting
'to be a bit of a test for two
of the 1,500 quid second-hand cars.'
My bash plate is earning its keep today.
Cock.
We are both in the same boat
here, James and I.
It is called the HMS Careful.
Meanwhile, far ahead,
my four-wheel-drive Subaru was
scampering along.
Come on, come on!
I am king of the forest.
Bloody hell, look at this one.
Come on, beemer! Come on!
How is it doing this?
Ooh...
Absolutely no chance.
'Annoyingly, I had to ask the
agri-yob to come back and help.'
What is the expression about pig
in... It's Hammond in mud?
Yeah, it'll pull out.
Give him a tug. I'm going to.
Did it hit you? Yes, it did What was that?
It was a huge chunk of
tree just bounced off...
And smashed my windscreen.
Has it? Yeah.
We probably should get a move on.
I will back it up.
James, get your tow rope out. Go, go, go.
'As I pulled James free...'
Yes! Bloody brilliant, Hammond.
'..Some locals arrived and Jeremy decided
'to give them a quick lecture on
his theories of off-road driving.'
Now, I believe in speed. Power.
Power and speed solves many things.
Right... James, how far?
Middle of the puddle.
Speed and power!
Go faster! Speed and power doesn't
work. It was doing quite well.
To be honest,
I was surprised you got that far.
Do you think you could push it out?
Yeah. Yes? OK.
Which way...? I've got to get out of the way.
These guys are immensely strong.
Drive back, drive back. OK.
Good going!
There you go.
'Having freed Jeremy, the men
started to build him a new road.'
I wouldn't do that bare
feet, I can't watch.
I am assuming he has never got it wrong
because he still has an entire right foot.
OK. Three, two, one!
Yes! Well done, that
was amazing. Well done.
Thank you, guys, that is amazing.
'With my dues paid...'
Thank you, thank you.
'..We were back on our way.'
It is amazing, those guys actually
turned out to be Ugandan army.
Up here training. God, they are strong.
'We hoped that that would be
the last of the mud,
'but as the day went on it got even worse.'
No, I have no steering. No, no, no!
Go! Thank you.
It is beached.
Bloody hell.
Thank you. Hit it.
Cock.
We are just going to blow the clutches to pieces.
Going to have to pull it out.
Go on, go on, go on,
you son of a... Ha-ha-ha!
That was so damn close.
'And then, to add to the misery, I
discovered there had been treachery.'
How long has that been there?
Good grief! You must have...
Hammond, I know what your panto face
is. Hammond, where is that?
What are those really big things?
They could rip steel.
I know exactly where it is.
I have no idea and you will never
get it out of me. May!
Is that thing on the front
of your car made out of my door?
Is that my door? What?
It is from my door,
I know it is from my door.
You're not using that bit
and it was more useful on my car.
You didn't even notice. That's it,
that's it. Can you give me a tow? No!
As evening drew in,
conditions started to improve.
This is all feeling a bit Gorillas
In The Mist. It's a bit mystical.
It is kinda wonderful.
'Thanks to my door,
the Volvo had survived the ordeal.
'But in the BMW,
my throttle problem was even worse
'and my handbrake had broken.'
Hammond, keep moving, I can't stop, I can't
do hill starts any more. Keep going.
This has to be one of the toughest
days we have ever had on Top Gear.
There hasn't been a single moment
when one of us wasn't stuck.
No car is built to survive
conditions like this. None.
Not one.
'And there were still more
than 500 miles to go.'
'As dawn broke, the peace
and serenity of this beautiful
'Ugandan morning was shattered
by the bellow of a wild animal.'
CLARKSON!
Last night, while Hammond
and May were round the campfire
discussing Uganda, I made an
interesting modification to my car.
Yesterday, I discovered hill starts
were very difficult.
I can't ride the clutch because of
the throttle problem and I can't use
the handbrake because it's broken,
so what I've done is fitted
this log at the back.
You tow it along normally, but then
when you want to start on a hill,
you let the car roll back onto it,
use it as a wedge
and set off easily.
It's simple, it's elegant,
it's brilliant.
'As we set off on our long drive,
the mood was a little fractious.'
If I know James May at all,
and I'm sorry to have to say I do,
he won't be so cross about the theft
of part of his bonnet as
he will be about the shoddiness
of the execution of the theft.
It's not a neat job.
That will rankle.
Look at it!
I mean, that looks like
it was done
with a knife and fork
by the council.
It's not square, it's not neat,
he's wasted material,
he's left sharp edges,
it's all bent.
I cannot conceive of the mind
of a man who would look at that
and think that was
the right way to do it.
'I don't mind you taking a bit
of my bonnet, that's fair.
'I do mind you doing such
an appalling bloody job of it,
'you ham-fisted oaf!'
Honestly, I could do a better
job than that
with the end of a bulldozer!
Well, I... I couldn't find any tools.
'The back of the car is full
of bloody tools!
'The biggest tool in this
operation was you!'
A pair of tin snips looks
like a pair of robust scissors
and their function is obvious.
They are obviously not a hammer!
This could go on.
'Obviously not a screwdriver!
'They are obviously not a spanner!
They are obviously designed...'
There we go, that's got rid of him.
'Soon we came to an uphill stretch,
'so I decided to test
my new handbrake.'
Simply pop it off the back,
roll it out.
Watch this.
Roll back.
The wooden handbrake is holding me,
I simply set off.
Here we go.
Oh, yes! So there we are,
hill starting solved!
Sometimes my genius is...
It's almost frightening!
Well, fair dos, that works.
You do have to tow a log about,
but it works. I am a happy man today.
Chaps? Yes? Are we likely to see a
gorilla? I hope we do see a gorilla.
I'd show them my bonnet and say,
"Could you do a better job
than that?"
But look on the bright side, James,
it's going to be a scorcher today.
Oh, my God!
Oh! Did that...? Oh, dear!
The handbrake bounced up and has
broken my hotel viewing platform.
You've got glass in your duvet!
Stupidest idea in history!
Jeremy,
people walk around here barefoot.
You've got to sweep all this stuff.
We have.
But look - God gave us a tool
for just such a moment as this.
Would you not agree this is
the ideal tool, James, for this job?
Yes, hammers do have their uses.
I can think of one right now.
'After cleaning up my mess,
'we carried on through yet more
breathtaking countryside.'
Look at the state of that view.
Wait a minute.
Does the world get any
prettier than this?
'In fact the only blot
on the landscape was our hideous
'Ford Scorpio back-up car.'
I've just realised I forgot to eat
anything this morning. I'm starving.
Well, Hammond made me a lovely plate
of beans. Beans? What sort of beans?
Do you know, they were baked?!
'Soon, the dirt track gave way to
some perfect Chinese-built roads,
'a blessed relief
for our battered cars.
'And after a simple 50-mile cruise,
'we reached the border.'
Goodbye, Uganda, and thank you. That
was an education. And now, Rwanda.
I don't know anything about Rwanda.
'As it turned out,
James knew even less.'
James? What? Apparently they drive on
the other side of the road in Rwanda.
Do they really? James, really,
we're not fooling you! Yeah, yeah.
'Mercifully, there was more Chinese
tarmac, so we were able to surge
'through a country where,
actually, none of us
'had really known what to expect.'
In 1994, this country witnessed
the worst genocide
in the history of humankind.
A million people
died in around about three months.
A million people in three months!
With machetes and garden tools.
And that was only 18 years ago,
and now look.
It's incredible how quickly things,
on the surface at least...
mend themselves.
Hello!
Hello! Hello, hello!
It's constant.
All the roads,
even out here in the sticks,
are just absolutely
three-deep in people,
and they all wave when you go by
and you have to wave back.
Hello! Hello! Hello, hello.
Hello. Hello.
Hello! Hello.
'After many more miles of waving,
smooth tarmac
'and stunning scenery...
'..we arrived on the other side of
Rwanda at its border with Tanzania.'
That was a long drive,
but we've done it - all of Rwanda.
Now for an interminably long wait.
'The paperwork did indeed
take an age,
'but, happily, Jeremy
and I found a way to pass the time.'
Funny! Ha-ha-ha!
'And then, finally,
we crossed over into Tanzania.'
Shall we make camp here, gentlemen?
It's been a long drive with a long
border crossing of 900 hours.
'Despite the calm
stillness of the evening,
'James plainly still had a bee
in his bonnet about his bonnet.'
This evening
I am going to need... these.
And I'm going to need these
and this.
And I'm going to need
these tin snips,
which are like scissors but much
stronger. I'm going to need those.
I'm going to need all these
things for this evening.
Right, I'm up to 18 million
pieces of glass.
Look in another fold, there you go -
18 million and two, three...
Why do they call this stuff
safety glass? I mean, it isn't!
Why can't it just
break into four pieces?
Why does it have to
break into 19 million pieces?
And it goes everywhere!
You could be in bed
and it's outside your house
and it goes in your pyjamas!
18 million and ten.
No.
No.
No.
Yes.
No.
Good morning, viewers.
I'm afraid things may have got
a little out of hand in camp
last night, but it's good news!
I found another piece of scrap metal
and I managed to mend my bonnet!
I'll admit, I was FURIOUS when James
stole my bonnet scoop, but then
on Jeremy's car, I found something
that does the job just as well.
I'm calling it the poop scoop.
I was a bit cross about losing
my lavatory, but then, staggeringly,
in the middle of a remote field
in Tanzania, I found
a rear window that fitted
into the back of my car!
I mean,
it looks like it's meant to be here!
It's uncanny!
'Unfortunately, the modifications to
Hammond's now half-timbered Subaru
'seem to have
impaired his visibility.'
Oh!
Oh, no!
Bad!
Anyway, we've woken up,
slightly thick heads.
We're all mates again,
which is just as well, because
we've got an extremely long day...
Oh.
That is a river. Yes, it is. Well,
there must be a bridge somewhere.
Why MUST there be a bridge? Well,
there must be! Well, there isn't!
Look! Well, there isn't one THERE,
but there'll be a bridge.
I know what.
It's time to deploy the ARU. What?
The ARU -
Aerial Reconnaissance Unit.
I knew this sort of thing would
happen. Where did that come from?
I've been working on it for
the last couple of weeks at home
for just such an eventuality.
Have you? Have you really?
Did you build it? Yeah. Really? Well,
you've got a helicopter license.
You fly it. Right.
I operate the camera underneath
that swivels about and you tell us
what it's seeing, James.
Right, are we ready?
Yes, I've got a picture.
Hammond? Yes... Begin!
Yes! There she goes!
There you go. That's good.
Right, that height is good.
Now head that way, down the river.
Point it down. You're not pointing
it at the river. Point it down.
Well, you'll need to point it down.
No, you fly level,
you point the camera down. Yeah.
Got it. River turns left...
That's good.
There's no bridge, though.
Keep going.
Pivot right a bit.
Swivel left, camera.
Oh, hang on a minute. What?
There's like a big weir thing.
It's not a weir, James!
That's the biggest waterfall
I've ever seen!
Right, that's relevant!
Right, good. No bridge.
'And it was the same story
when we looked upstream.'
Bring it back, Hammond.
'With the ARU back at base...
'..we had to work out how
we could cross this river
'that was full of killer waterfalls,
bilharzia and many teeth.'
Why don't we build... a car ferry?
What, with like a bar and everything?
No, no!
Like that thing we saw in Albania!
Like a raft? Why don't WE build one?
Look, I used to build them when I
was a kid! I fell in a lot, but...
Wood... What else do you need?
Rope. Oil drums.
You need to lash the rope together.
Maybe some nails and a hammer.
Probably a hammer, yeah.
Oil drums, oil drums underneath.
This sounds like the worst
management course ever!
You know those Outward Bound courses
where you've got a chicken and...
OK, then. Thanks to Hammond,
it's back to the studio.
All we need is a platform
big enough to take a car that
will take its weight and floats.
Then we pull it across on ropes
like the Albanian one.
We drove through a village,
did we not,
about... just behind those
banana trees?
Yes, but do you think
they sell rafts for cars?
They might sell car ferries. No,
but they've always got...
Don't want a banana, don't want
a headscarf, I'd like a car ferry.
"Oh, we've got one in the back, sir."
Look, I'm going to divide this up.
I'm going to find some rope. You go
and find some oil drums. You go...
I'll get some wood. And some wood.
Right, off you go. Have you got
the hammer and stake? Yeah.
Oh!
Your rope's come off!
You're getting nearer, James!
I'm not!
Oh.
Would you say you were nearer,
James? No.
'With HMS Wobbly in the water,
'Hammond and May decided that
my car should go first.'
Good. A tiny, tiny bit left.
Straight, that's good.
Hold on.
You need to go... Oh, BLEEP.
It's close. Tiny bit right.
OK, your back wheels are on.
I am now boarding our ferry.
That's good. 'As I inched forwards,
a hungry audience gathered.'
You'll feel when you're on
cos you'll hit the chock.
Two and a half feet. Feet?! Yeah.
Good, a bit more. You're just
about to... There you go, you're on!
Put it in gear and turn off.
These have got to come with us
for the other side.
'With the ramps on board,
we set off.'
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What did you just do? Cast off.
Are we now underway? Yes.
Pull on the rope. I am.
I'm Geoff Capes!
I am pulling a BMW 528i Touring
across a crocodile-infested river!
And the impressive thing is, you're
not making a fuss about it either.
No, I'm not showing off, but I am...
James, wait! James, James, James!
What? It doesn't make any
difference.
Stay at the back!
James, please stay at the back!
Stop being such an old woman -
it doesn't make any difference!
Oh, really? So that barrel's just
come back above the water again...
But it's not going to go
all the way down, is it?
I feel like an explorer now.
Right... So if I get on the bank
and James throws me a yellow rope...
Good idea.
Can you get on the bank from there?
These logs get really slippery! Yes.
Right, you're on the bank...
Good catch!
The throw wasn't brilliant.
I'll go to the back. Whey!
Well...
People are now turning over to watch
Red Or Black? or something.
I'm sorry we made it.
Nobody was expecting that.
Got it?
'Mind you, there was still the small
matter of disembarking.'
Uh...
not convinced.
Yes!
Well, you're NEARLY ashore.
Aren't I ashore?
Not entirely ashore, no.
Yes, I'm ashore.
Is that wheel ashore? Yes.
'We weren't convinced,
'so we gave him a helping hand.'
Here we go!
Yes!
Feeling good.
Oh, yes, oh, yes!
God, I'm a good driver.
Oh, God.
'Back on the other bank,
'it was Hammond's turn,
and for some reason,
'he decided to make life difficult
for himself.'
Why are you BACKING on?
Because it is quite difficult getting
off at the other side, yeah? Yeah.
And your BMW is now there
so it could tow me off.
The only towing eye is at the back.
It does mean I'll have to
reverse on.
Hold on, hold on!
Does that look right from there?
What...?
Oh!
Oh! Stop! Stop!
You're turning the wheel.
I did NOT turn the wheel.
You turned it minutely.
I might have leant on it.
Oh!
You're miles off the end.
A little more.
And... stop.
Oh! I am SO on board!
James, you can pull this time,
you'll see how easy it is!
I shall be ballast, there.
That's the ticket!
Not all at the same time.
You can't come on this side.
I can't go on the other side.
Look at the angle.
Gentlemen... Climb through the car.
It is impossible to stand there
because there are two ramps piled
on top of one another.
Hammond, get in your sitting room!
I can't.
Get in your sitting room! No!
You need to be on the other side.
Climb over the bloody car.
You've got heavier... Oh!
That was tied on! No, I took
the rope off. We needed the rope.
I took it off.
I CAN go on the other side...
as it turns out.
Perfect. Let's go. Forget the chair.
Are we there yet?
Somebody's had me chair!
That man's got your chair!
Good for him. Enjoy it!
Ooh, ah!
'On the other side, I was determined
to make a better job of disembarking
'than Jeremy had.'
Power. Hoo!
Some of you's on board.
Whoa, we got a problem.
That's all completely hopeless
and you've sunk the raft
and your catflap's terrible.
GO!
'I then pulled Hammond off...'
Ya-hey!
'..And that gave me an idea.'
Why don't we use this to pull
the ferry across
with the Volvo on it?
Why would we not do that?
'Rather sceptically, Hammond and I
went back to get my Volvo.'
Crack on.
Our father, who art in heaven,
if you're there,
make it go upside down, please.
Steady! Wooh!
Ooh! That looked a bit perilous.
Shall I come back? Just a tiny bit.
Wah-duh...! Stop making
squeaking noises.
The thing is, the BMW has
a 50-50 weight distribution.
50% over the front axle,
50% over the back,
which is why the raft was level.
With James' car,
70% of the weight is over
the front axle.
That's why the whole thing
is tipping down.
Are we attached? Yes.
Jeremy, we have begun!
Right,
so I pull you across the river.
Yeah, gently.
Very, very slowly indeed!
If it goes under,
it'll probably go nose-in, won't it?
Yeah, I'll stand at the back.
Are you ready?
He's going already, hang on.
This is Captain Hammond
ringing down to the engine room.
You have the slacks.
That's plenty fast enough!
Yes, gently.
Seriously, Jeremy.
We are going under.
That's too fast, too fast!
Oh, yes!
Oh, yes!
Gently, gently - seriously!
We're going in.
STOP!
Jeremy, absolutely stop
or you'll have deaths on your hands.
I've been shouted at so much.
Need a zesty drink.
'Eventually, our third and final car
was ready to go ashore.'
Forward. Oh, my Gawd!
Well, credit where it's due.
Come on!
You have to admit that is quite
a finish, with a flourish!
'It had been a fraught undertaking,
but the fact was that,
'against the odds,
'all three of our cars were
on the other side of the river.'
That's the first time,
I think, in ten years,
we've ever done anything
ambitious and successful.
I think you're right.
And doesn't it feel good?
It feels weird, frankly.
Normally there's one of us
in the water, in the jaws of a lion,
going, "Oh, he's dead!"
It was genuinely peculiar.
Oh, my God!
Oh!
It's gone! It's completely gone!
It's completely sunk!
Well done!
You can see how difficult
OUR job is.
That's how deep it was!
That could have happened to us.
It could have done...
but it didn't!
Onwards.
'Leaving the producers to
clear up their mess,
'we set off.
'And soon discovered that
Tanzania's roads were not
'built by the Chinese.'
Pothole, pothole, pothole,
pothole. BIG one.
It is like driving through
a minefield.
If you take your eye
off the road for a second,
you are into one
and they are massive.
I don't know how James
will cope with this,
because you can only
concentrate on one thing at a time
and when he's driving that is
normally an obscure poet.
"Oh, yes, Philip Larkin's done some
very good... oh, no,
"I've hit a pothole."
'Soon James hit a pothole...'
No!
'..So hard,
it took out two of his tyres.'
Erm... d'you remember...
it seems like months ago,
but at the beginning of this voyage,
we looked at these tyres and said,
"There's no way those tyres'll
survive Africa?"
The signs are not good, are they?
In that they're not. It's goodbye.
You just wait here for the backup
car. You know the code.
Oh, no, the backup car's
at the bottom of a
crocodile-infested river.
I don't need the backup car,
I have spare wheels.
You're not very helpful or useful
to me. I'll see you later.
See you, James. Bye. Bye!
'Once the Annoying Brothers
had left,
'I discovered it was rather more
than just tyre damage.'
Ho-ho-ho!
'Both wheels had shattered!
'Having raided the support
truck for more,
'I set off and caught up
with the others
'in a swarm of lake flies.'
'This told us we were getting
close to Lake Victoria.
'At 150 miles across,
it was too wide for us to even think
about building a homemade ferry.
'So we decided to use one someone
else had made earlier.'
Have you ever seen more
flies than that
in one place ever?
Oh, oh, oh!
I'll give you a million pounds
if you go
and stand there naked for an hour.
'The voyage across Lake Victoria
took more than
'16 hours, but there was
good news on the other side.
'The ferry would drop us
close to the River Grumeti,
'the river that WE believed
would take us
'to the source of the Nile.'
We're going to find
the mouth of the river,
track that back to its source,
and we've done it.
30 seconds...
'Keen to demonstrate
the advantage of four-wheel drive
'to the bewildered crowd,
'Hammond insisted on going first.'
Right, here we go.
OK.
I am ashore!
'You're letting
yourself down, the BBC,'
and the whole country with your
incompetence, Hammond.
Oh, come on!
Sorry about that, Skipper!
Leave him. We can leave him.
'And so...
'we did.'
Bye, Hammond! Bye!
Hello.
Hello.
'As we disembarked a few miles away
on a proper landing jetty,
'Hammond was being
rescued by the locals.'
We're coming out!
Everybody needs money now
and I don't have any money.
Erm...
I've got biscuits.
More biscuits, more sweets.
One second.
OK, this is becoming alarming.
Erm...
I've got crisps.
'With my lunch all gone,
I rejoined my colleagues.'
With hindsight, offering up
biscuits was a mistake.
Yes,
when you have 40 mouths to feed,
unless you're Jesus,
starting with two biscuits
isn't brilliant.
Well, that arrival
was very happy and glorious
and we're excellent
ambassadors for Britain
and her long tradition
of exploration.
In other news,
I've fitted a fan.
'We then broke out the map and went
off to find the mouth of our river.
'The beautiful and majestic
Grumeti.'
In my mind, it was prettier. Yes.
This is quiet, though.
It's not quiet.
I admit, it's not picturesque
and it's not peaceful,
but if we find the source of this...
We've done it.
You can't argue,
we're in the history books.
It flows through Lake Victoria,
into the Nile,
along the Nile,
through the Med
and into the Atlantic.
And as far as I can work out,
it's there.
That's about 70 miles.
We only have 70 miles to do.
The good news is, look, some of it,
you can follow the river
on that road.
But that bit, the last bit,
it's off-road. Yeah.
Look, there's no tracks or anything.
Well... So, that's it.
It can only get prettier.
'And it did, because soon
we were in the Serengeti.
'A vast plain teaming with animals,
all of which, as usual,
'were way beyond the reach
of our camera teams.'
Wildebeest! Wildebeest!
A zebra.
I've seen more already here
on the Serengeti
than I saw in
Sir Richard Hammondborough's
Planet Earth Live programme.
'Why didn't you show us
all of these animals, Hammond,
'on your Planet Earth Live
programme?
'There's millions of them
we could have looked at!'
Shut up!
'Soon, we stopped to check on the
course of our "beautiful" river.
'And here we saw the most
amazing wildlife yet.'
They are the funniest creatures
on earth, aren't they?
Why are they so funny?
This one's been to
the Daktari shop in Florida,
hasn't he, for his outfit?
Every single piece of kit,
he's got the lot.
I don't know why,
but American tourists -
and I know we're watched in America,
I'm not saying you're all like this,
but when you travel,
you're hysterical.
'Sadly, the Americans departed,
leaving us with nothing to look at
'except some hippos.
'So we got back on the road
for the last few miles
'of our epic journey.'
I'm going to put my hand
on my heart and say this
is the best Top Gear adventure
we've ever had.
It's a noble quest in a truly
stunningly beautiful country
full of utterly hospitable people.
'And then, of course,
there were our cars.
'A trio of 1,500-quid high-milers.
'All had been presumably sold
'because their owners thought
they were on their last legs,
'but they'd come here and
taken on the worst
'that Africa could throw at them,
and they'd survived.
'But which had been the most
impressive?
'Well, at the next river check,
we had a chat about that.'
Normally we pick one car
that's best.
Mm. I think on this occasion,
I can't be convinced mine
isn't the best,
But I'm sure you're in the same...
I wouldn't allow anybody to
convince me mine isn't the best.
So, in other words,
let's, on this occasion,
just agree to disagree
and say they're all the best. Yes.
Like one of those primary school
sports days.
Yes. Everybody gets a prize.
You've all won.
There are no losers at St Barnabas'.
Let's go with that,
they are all the best.
That's fair.
They've all done well together.
Let us now find the source of
this disgusting, scummy river. OK.
Rubbish!
If this WERE a school sports day,
here's how it's worked out.
Everyone's got all excited
because the BMW, the fat kid,
and the Volvo, the geeky,
specky, nerdy kid,
have finished the cross-country
course.
"Oh, well done,
we're so amazed you did it!"
But let's not forget
the fact that the genuinely
sporty kid, the Subaru,
who's actually good at this stuff,
also finished and finished well.
Because it's the best. Fact.
Ten minutes after this
show's finished,
you won't be able to describe
what Jeremy was driving,
but you'll be able to describe
this...
because it's got personality,
character,
something about it.
I'm going to miss it.
Now we're alone, viewers,
I can tell you that the Volvo
is the best car here.
Because, let's not forget,
this is a family estate.
It's a family estate pretending
to be a BTCC racing car.
So it's compromised, as well.
It shouldn't be here,
it shouldn't have got this far,
but it is and it has,
and that's why I love it!
It has the biggest heart.
How can May possibly say
that his Volvo's better than this?
It's been like a seal
on the entire journey,
endlessly dragging its stomach
along the floor.
And it broke his back.
He'd have been better off
doing this journey
on a space hopper.
Then we have Hammond's "Tubaru,"
which is as needlessly complicated
as those idiotic trousers
he insists on wearing
with all their special pockets
and clips for mossie spray
and a hunting knife
with a special compass.
What's the point?
I've done the entire journey
in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
And that's what the 5 Series is,
it's the familiarity of home...
here.
You're a car, you're a sitting-room,
you're a bedroom, you're a fridge,
you're a power station that charges
up my phone every night,
but most of all what you are,
what you've become -
is a mate.
And that is what makes
a car special.
That's what makes a car great.
You start to think of it
as a person.
You start to love it.
'What our cars deserved now was
a relaxing cruise to the finish.
'But that wasn't going to happen.'
Aaaagh! Aaaagh! No!
Whoa! Geez!
'The road was a rutted nightmare,
'and it was peppered
with sharp stones.
'It was a car killer.'
This is absolute
puncture alley, this.
Bloody Nora!
What the BLEEP was that?
Now, Jez has stopped at the side of
the road, hang on, something is up.
Jezza's been hit, I think,
probably by a stone into his window.
Stone in through your window?
Something has just blown up
in there.
What the BLEEP was it?
That... Is it an airbag?
The airbag has gone off.
Look, the smoke's still pouring
out of it. Is that the airbag?
Yes, the airbag just went off.
There was a massive flash...
That is really weird! My ear.
I was saying this road
is so rough it's going
to set the airbags off,
I said that just a few miles back.
Well, I have never seen that.
No, me neither.
Phwoar!
Now I'm worried about this one.
'By now we'd had enough
and wanted to stop for the night,
'but this was dusk on the Serengeti.
'Feeding time for the wildlife.
'So we had to reach a safe camp
that was 30 miles away -
'30 miles that
turned into a massacre.'
Oh, dear. Shot to bits.
Have you got any more fronts?
Yes, I've got one more.
That was new three minutes ago.
Three minutes later I've
got a flat on the front.
We've lost another one.
This road is beyond belief
for killing cars.
'It was inevitable, really,
that eventually one of us
'would suffer some damage
that was slightly more serious
'than a puncture.'
Oh, my God. You are in big trouble.
That one is straight, and
if you come around the other side,
that's on full-left.
You've broken a track rod
steering... Oh, my God.
You can see the wishbone... there.
If you look in there you'll see
the end of it, where it's... gone.
Is it sheared? Yes. It is
completely sheared off.
That might have killed my car.
What's up? He's got a puncture.
He's also got a sheared wishbone.
You're kidding. I'm not.
That's a game over, isn't it?
'The next morning, in our safe camp,
'we counted up the toll
from Death Road.'
I had three punctures,
one of which I have still got.
Two airbags went off,
both of which deafened me
and gave me heart attacks.
What else - oh, all four shock
absorbers are completely ruined.
Yours any better?
Well, I had two punctures,
the fuel line came off,
the front bumper collapsed,
I am not even bothering
to look at my shocks,
because I know they were
absolutely shot, shot absorbers,
but on the plus side, all
the bits that attach the wheels
to the car are intact.
Speaking of which...
actually, where is he?
These are the remnants of the point
at which the track control arm went,
and you can see it was just
rotten from the inside out.
It was going to go at some point,
and when it did collapse,
it took the anti-roll bar
out on the way past.
So, the only option is,
and it is quite a long shot -
this is all useless -
is to use the remainder of the
track control arm that's under
there attached to the hub,
and use this to fabricate and weld
on replacement bits for that.
'At times like this,
the procedure is clear.
'We do leave a man behind.
'But, because we'd come
so far together, and because
'we hadn't had breakfast yet, James
and I decided to bend the rules.'
We'll give him till 11 o'clock.
Fair enough.
That's an hour and ten minutes.
Fair enough.
What time did we get in last night,
about two?
Something like that,
it went on for ever.
Look at what I just slept in,
look at it!
I mean look at the... Thank you!
'At exactly three minutes past 11,
'James and I were parked on the main
road by the camp, waiting to see
'whether we would finish
this journey as a twosome,
'or a threesome.'
Hammond is making a bit of a habit
of this on these adventures, now.
Bolivia, his leg fell off. Oliver.
Oliver? Didn't it make it?
Can't remember.
It did, but we had to wait for
it... Oh, yes, for days and days.
While he put it back together.
Oh, hang on!
Do you hear that? I can, just.
Is that soundtrack of
an approaching moron,
or is it our support truck?
With his silly little face
at the wheel.
What is coming over the hill?
Please let it be a lorry,
please let it be a lorry. Oh!
We can't be... No. Pretend to be
pleased, pretend to be pleased!
Pleased face!
Oh, great, we're all back together
as a team,
oh, right, good, here we go.
Well done, mate. Yes, well done!
Ha-ha-ha! Are you impressed? Yes.
We're impressed that
you're impressed. That's nice.
That looks tremendous. Anyway,
Hammond, while you've been gone,
James and I have made
a bit of a decision. What?
The source of our river
is somewhere up there, OK?
Now, only one of us
can technically get there first -
they'll be the one
who's remembered, the other two
will be forgotten, because nobody
remembers who comes second.
So, we propose a race. Yes.
Three, two, one - go!
And whoever finds the source first -
into the history books,
buried in Westminster Abbey.
They dig up Livingstone,
throw him away,
"You got it wrong..."
You don't have to be buried
immediately?
No, no, when you die.
So, are we ready? The producers are
on the other side of that river.
You can shout "Go!"
I'll do it on my tannoy system.
Are we ready, gentlemen? I am ready.
This is for everything.
The greatest race in the history
of mankind is about to begin.
Three, two, one - GO!
Power, etc.
Where is Jeremy? What was he doing?
Have they learned nothing from
last night? Because I did!
Speed causes punctures.
17 miles an hour,
that's what you need.
I don't want a puncture,
I want to win this,
because this is a race for glory.
The winner will go
in the history books,
the losers will be quietly
forgotten,
and they will end up opening
a shoe shop, probably, in Durham.
'Top Gear's ARU had found an area
of hilly terrain 12 miles to
'the east, where we believed we
would find the source of the Nile.
'Getting there first mattered.'
Richard Hammond hot on my tail,
in the quest for the source
of the Nile,
with his repaired suspension.
This is as fast as I dare go.
Ooooh!
Ow!
The car has just undergone major
surgery, I have just closed
the patient's chest, and
I'm forcing him to play rugby.
If Richard Hammond beats me
in this race,
he will be knighted by the Queen.
She will say, "Arise, Sir Richard."
Oh, you already have.
Where the hell is Jeremy?
This James May-Christian motoring
isn't working,
they're not getting punctures.
I'm going to revert to type.
POWER!
I am a one-man dust machine.
Hammond is going for it,
he's making a move!
Ha-ha-ha!
'For the next few miles,
we jostled for the lead.'
Urgh, it's neck and neck.
Oh, no!
I'm going left,
I'm going to do it. Ooooh!
Ha-ha-ha!
Ooh! Agh!
This!
There they are, I'm catching.
A warning light has come on
to say my car needs a service.
Oooh! Oooh! This is just...
killing my car.
'We were now in the area
where the source should be,
'so we needed to go
off-road to find it.'
We're going to have to go
right somewhere.
Oh, hold on, hold on, what's this?
There!
Come on!
Bugger Clarkson!
Yeaaah! What do you think
of that? Ha-ha!
Westminster Abbey is mine.
'As the plain opened out,
we realised that in normal racing,
'people tend to know where
the finish line is.'
Which way, which way?
'But we had to rely on
intelligence and cunning.'
Right, trees, trees all
growing along a little valley,
that can only mean river.
That is a valley,
I'm not heading down into there,
the source of the Nile isn't going
to be in a valley.
Ah-ha! Uphill, you see.
Uphill is good.
I've totally lost my bearings here,
totally lost.
Hang on a minute! Oh!
This looks...
This looks like a stream.
It's going downhill that way.
So I follow it up...
and the source is in those rocks.
It has to be. Oh, yeah!
Rocks. Many rocks.
That is the sort of magical place
I anticipate finding
the source of the Nile.
There's a bit there moving, so
it's that way. Right, here we go.
It's got to be this way,
and Clarkson clearly has
the same idea.
'And so did Hammond.'
Ow, ow!
Can you imagine children
of the future learning in history
lessons about Sir Richard Hammond?
Nobody wants to think of that.
'Because only one of us
could achieve
'immortality in the history books,
things soon got a bit ugly.'
Hammond's attacking him!
Get off!
Ha-ha-ha! I'm through.
Hammond is properly in my way now,
he really is annoying me.
I know how I can get Hammond
out of the way...
Oh, God! Not that!
I'm Genesis-ing him!
Aaaagh!
'Sadly, though, Genesis didn't work.
'So I rammed him.'
What?!
I'm in the lead again!
Whoa! Whoa!
This Volvo is so far
out of its comfort zone.
I'm going to go down in history!
Everything tells me this is...
it's the highest ground for miles
around - it's got to be in there,
it's got to be in there.
Aaaaagh!
But there can be no more than
a few hundred metres now,
we can afford to take a few knocks.
Whoa!
James, your suspension has collapsed.
Your back wheel is coming off,
I'm not joking. Ha-ha-ha!
My car has collapsed.
I'm going on foot.
'As now were Richard and I.'
End of the road for you, old friend.
I'll tell you what it's like.
I'm off.
It's geology, Jeremy, geology.
What have we got here? We've got
bedrock, the ground is sunk down,
indicating the presence
of a spring, in my mind.
Lizards.
Look at it. A stream has done this.
But where is the source?
This has been wet. Wait...
This is soggy. This is soggy.
This could be a stream. It is
a stream I'm walking up, it is.
BLEEP Hammond is not having this!
It goes downhill, that doesn't
mean it starts at the top.
Wait!
Wait!
Is it?
No.
Here?
That... Yes.
Yes!
Sorry, mate! That was close.
Hammond!
Well done. That is
the source of the River Nile.
I'm going to put my finger
in it, excuse me.
That is the root of civilisation,
that nourished the ancient
Egyptians. What, your finger?
No, not my finger, the water.
That's going to nourish the Sudan,
Egypt, Greece, Italy, Spain.
Morocco, Algeria. That water is
the lifeblood of all of it.
So, that is the undisputed source
of the River Nile,
that is the man who found it,
and somewhere way down there
is the ruined Volvo
that brought him here.
We now have to claim this
little pond for Top Gear,
so, just bear with me, while I...
Is the Top Gear flag slightly
bigger than the Union Flag?
Yes, that's right.
Have we got this the right way up
this time, so we don't get...
So, here's what I'm suggesting,
chaps - we plant the flags,
and then we do what all great
Victorian explorers did,
pose for a photograph
by our discovery.
Wait for the birdie!
Three, two, one!