Topper (1937) Movie Script
dd
dd Oh, the old oaken bucket
dd Bucket dd
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
d dd Oh, bucket dd dd
The moss-covered bucket d
George. George!
dd That hangs in the well dd
I think it was pretty mean of you to
drag us out and leave all our guests flat.
Oh, you didn't drag us out?
Well, I didn't invite them. dddd
You didn't even know them? Well,
they've only been there for three days.
George. George!
Wait a minute. I'll be back in a
minute, honey. What do you want?
What time is it?
Huh?
I said, where we going? That
isn't what you said before.
dd Oh, we're going to Wall
Street to see Old Man Topper dd
dd dd Iron-bound Topper dd
dd That moss-covered Topper
dd That I promised to meet him at
his bank for the annual meeting dd
dd dd Of the board of directors
at 10:30 in the morning dd
Too many words, honey.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, let's see. It's 10:00 now. Yep.
And it takes a half an
hour to drive in. Yep.
And the meeting's at 10:30
in the morning. Mm-hmm.
That leaves 12 hours for-
for a night of complete rest.
Yes!
dddd
Mm-hmm. So this is how one
starts getting a night's rest?
My pet, resting is the sort of thing
you've gotta work up to gradually.
Oh, excuse me.
It's very dangerous to rest all
of a sudden. Come on, darling.
Mr. Kerby is here. Hurry.
Yes, sir.
Good evening, Mrs. Kerby. Hello, Joe.
We have a nice big size
table for you. Over there.
Hi, Mac.
Hello, George.
How are you, George?
Thank you, Harry. Good
evening, Mrs. Kerby.
Hello, George.
dddd
Come on. The music's swell. What?
I said, "The music's swell!" Can't
hear you, but that's good music.
That's what I said.
May I cut in?
dddd
Is this the way in?
Looks like it.
Well, how do we get out? Honey,
you slide in and they carry you out.
Oh, no.
Where I go, you go.
No, hey, wait for me.
Hup!
Don't forget to write.
Gentle George.
Deceitful George.
Yeah!
dd Old Man Moon wake up now dd Quiet!
dd 'Cause I've fallen in love dd
dd Go spread the news
to all the stars dd
dd Above dd
dd Shine for my baby
while we're dancing dd
dd Tonight dd
dd And fill her tender eyes
with love dd
dd And dynamite dd
Yeah.
Yeah, and look at the time. Look at the
time. dd Old Man Moon puts stardust dd
dd In a bottle of wine dd
dd Just do your darnedest
to make sure dd
dd That she'll be mine dd
Please, Mr. Kerby.
dd And if it's possible to keep shining
till noon dd Bring your party home, please.
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
Look, Mr. Kerby,
you are my best customer.
And I appreciate that.
Maybe you got no home.
Maybe you don't need sleep.
But me, I have a home...
and I need to have-a
some sleep!
All right, Tony.
Just one more chorus.
You're telling me the same
story for the last hour.
I get-a sick and tired of hearing
that song over and over again!
dd With love or dynamite dd
dd Old Man Moon keeps stardust
in a bottle of wine dd
dd Just do your darnedest
to make sure dd
d Yes, good night! dd
That she'll be mine d
Maybe the poor man's tired.
I don't know why he should be
tired. We did all the singing.
dd And if it's possible
to keep shining till noon dd
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dddd
dd Old Man Moon
Old Man Moon dddd
Good night, buddy!
So long. See you next time.
Come on. Enough of it.
dd Old Man Moon
Old Man Moon dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dd Oh, Old Man Moon dd
dd My sincerest thanks to
you, sir dd dd Old Man Moon dd
Get in, honey.
You get in, darling.
dd Oh, Old Man Moon dd Ah, Jimmy.
Did we keep you waiting long?
Oh, that's all right. dd My
sincerest thanks to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
Wilson!
dd dd Old Man Wilson Old Man Wilson dd
Old Man Wilson, that squares us up
for the whole week. Right, Mr. Kerby.
dddd
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dddd
Hey, George, is this
10:30 in the morning?
No, this is Topper's bank.
Oh.
Honey, do me a favor.
What?
Shut my eyes.
I'll shut your mouth.
Good night, my pet.
Good night.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, hello. You going to
a costume ball?
What do you think this is, an
auto camp? Crosspatch, crosspatch.
Get out of here. You can't
sleep here. I'm not sleeping.
Talk to him about it.
He seems to be doing it all.
Oh, hush, Marion.
Who have you dug up now?
I didn't dig him up. He
dug us up. Make him go away.
I can't. It's a C-O-P.
C- O-P? Oh!
Tell him we don't want
any. Hey, hey, hey!
Flies. Get out of here.
Now you can't sleep here.
Uh, we're not sleeping. We're
waiting. Waitin' for what?
For-For- For the annual meeting of the
board of directors of that there bank.
Oh, darn.
There's nobody in there.
Maybe they're late.
"Maybe they're late. "
You see, you can't argue
with him. I can't, eh?
Now I wanna tell you something
- See what you can do with this instead.
Well, of all the- Oh!
Temper.
It's three minutes
after 8:00, sir.
Oh, all right, Wilkins.
Do you realize that most men don't get
chased out of the water like trained seals?
Most men can dawdle in their
shower. You are not most men, sir.
Why can't I be most men?
Because you are Mr. Topper, sir.
And Mrs. Topper insists.
It's four minutes past.
We dress now.
We dress now, yeah.
Good morning, Clara.
Good morning, dear.
You're late.
Oh, better late
than never.
Only 44 seconds anyhow.
Can't that fella wait until
I tell him what I want?
Because you always
have the same thing.
Supposing one morning I were to
take a notion to battle a trout...
or some oatmeal
or something?
Where would we be then?
Don't be silly.
I've taken great pains
to arrange your diet properly.
You need sulphur,
and eggs have sulphur.
Don't dally, dear.
James tells me you had
to run for the train yesterday.
I did. I ran fast too.
I caught the very last step.
The very last step?
Outrageous.
What is outrageous about running
for a train, dear? Lots of men do it.
Yes, clerks and bookkeepers who come
to the depot in a bus to catch the 7:45.
But for the president of the
bank to arrive in a limousine...
to take the banker's special, and then to run
all over the platform like a silly chicken.
I didn't run like a silly
chicken. I ran beautifully.
Besides, you know how
you puff when you run.
Of course I puff. Everybody
puffs. You puff yourself, Clara.
I remember that day
- Cosmo, please. Don't be vulgar.
Sorry, dear. And I don't care if
you are well-preserved for your age.
You look anything but
dignified when you run.
And I won't have you climbing aboard
the banker's special all out of breath.
8:42, sir.
Good-bye, dear.
Bye.
Don't run, dear.
It's 8:45, Mr. Topper.
Morning, Mr. Topper.
Good morning.
Good morning, Mr. Topper.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
You know, it is a good
morning too, isn't it?
I haven't enjoyed it though.
Don't you feel all right?
I don't feel all right. I feel
a million years old. You, old?
Why, you'll never grow
old, Mr. Topper. No?
I think you grow younger
every year.
I'd rather grow younger every
day. Anything special this morning?
No, but Mrs. Topper phoned me to be sure
that you go to lunch promptly at 12:00.
Did she tell you what I was to
eat? It's all right, I'll remember.
The directors are all waiting
in the board room. All of them?
All except Mr. Kerby.
He promised me faithfully-
He's not here. I phoned his
penthouse and their Long Island place.
Neither of them had been
home all night. I suppose not.
We'll probably have to get a detective
to... locate him the way we did last year.
If he should turn up, ask him please to
come in and sign the minutes at least.
My word! Fine place to sleep, isn't it?
Gentlemen, we will as usual
conduct our annual meeting...
without the presence of our
largest stockholder, Mr. Kerby.
Weather clear, track fast!
I made it!
The meeting will please
come to order.
Very gratifying to have you
with us, Mr. Kerby.
I will read the annual statement
that is ready for publication...
if approved by this board...
and you, Mr. Kerby.
Okay, shoot.
Shoot, huh? "Cash on hand
in federal reserve bank...
"and due from banks
and bankers: $660,220,262...
"and 99 cents.
Bullion abroad and in transit:
$13,202,854 and no cents. "
- No cents.
- I just said that, Mr. Kerby.
So did I.
Yes. To continue.
"Acceptances:
$47,501,324and 36 cents.
"Less own acceptances held
for investments:
"$7,986,449 and 39 cents.
Which totals for
$39,514,874 and 97 cents. "
Just goes to sleep from going
to those wild parties.
Then you come here
to sleep.
Just hold the car, please. I'll
be back in a couple of days.
Get a load of
the fur-bearing blond.
Good morning, Mrs. Kerby.
Good morning.
If you're looking for your husband
- I know where he is.
In there dummying up
the directors' meeting.
But if you happen to see him looking for
someone, remind him that it's me, will you?
And tell him where I am.
Oh, my goodness. She's gone
into his private office.
"Lobbies and endorsements and
acceptances and foreign bills:
"$3,014,142
and no cents.
"Deposits:
"$1,709,643,127
and 39 cents.
"Liabilities and endorsements...
dddd
"and outstanding checks:
"35,166,883
and 36 cents.
dddd
"Total:
1,744,910,010 and 75 cents. "
dd The old oaken bucket dd
Yeah!
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
"Balance:
$2,086,978,810 and 17 cents. " dddd
Now, if you gentlemen will agree this
report is satisfactory for publication-
- It can't be done!
- I beg your pardon. I don't understand why.
Look, try it.
You try writing your name upside
down and backwards without stopping.
Here.
I move we adjourn.
I second the motion.
Aye.
Carried. Now, if you gentlemen will excuse
me, I have a great deal of business...
that I wish to attend to
at once.
Whew!
"Moss-covered bucket!"
"Write your name backwards.
It can't be done. "
No sense. George Kerby's a nitwit
if ever I saw one. Confound him.
Psst!
Don't "psst" at me.
Go ahead and "psst" at him.
I think it's cute. Why, I-I
didn't know you were here.
Oh, don't apologize.
If you're confounding George,
I think you're absolutely right.
But you only have to put up with him once a
year. Think of me. I have to live with him.
I like it so, but
- Please don't misunderstand. I like George.
I- I'm very fond of him.
And he's fond of you too.
In fact, we both are.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, please, no.
Uh, uh, that'll be all,
Miss Johnson.
You know, Topper, you were awfully silly
not to come to our anniversary party.
It was a swell one.
Laughter for days.
In fact, I think it's-
it might be still going on.
I bet it was fun, yeah.
But-But Mrs. -
Mrs. Topper... doesn't approve.
She- We had
another engagement.
You understand, don't you?
Yes, I'm afraid I do.
Why don't you stop being a mummy
for a few minutes and come to life?
There's nothing wrong in being a mummy
if you had any fun in getting that way-
But I- I didn't, you see.
No, I can tell that by the
way you're staring at my knees.
Why, I-I never stared
at a knee in my life.
That's probably just
what's wrong with you.
Of course, I... I suppose I do envy
the way you and George do things.
But it would never do for me,
for a man in my position.
Then as Mrs. Topper says-
Ah, as Mrs. Topper says.
That's the situation
and the box it came in.
Oh. Oh.
Hello, honey. Never mind. I
found her. She's running the bank.
Huh?
George, look.
What's the matter with him? He's old
enough to know what's the matter with him.
"Liabilities, no cents,
assets. "
Topper, I know just the thing
for the two of us. Where is it?
But something's biting the man, eating
him from the inside. Maybe termites.
What sort of a woman is Mrs.
Topper? Don't tell me. I'll guess.
Is she the horsey type? No.
The tennis type? No.
I know. She's the kin type.
Arranges your diets, fixes your clothes,
tells you what you'll eat and where you'll go.
Well, to a certain extent,
yes. Where do you keep it?
Keep what? The bottle. Don't
tell me there isn't a bottle here?
Of course there isn't a bottle.
This is a business office.
Business is all right, but don't you
think that's carrying business too far?
Come on. Let's roll.
I don't wanna leave Topper.
Somehow I feel if I could pull him
apart, I could put him together...
and he'd work much better.
Catch.
Topper, take my advice. Don't let
her make a guinea pig out of you.
You'll never be the same again.
So long.
Hmm. Mrs. Kerby's handkerchief.
Oh. Thank you.
I'm ready, Mr. Topper.
Hmm. Yes, yes.
H. Greg & Company, 80
Milk Street, Boston, Mass.
Dear sir. Yours is
the ninth received and-
Fascinating woman,
Marion Kerby, isn't she?
She reminds me of an Easter egg
I had as a small boy.
- An Easter egg?
- Mm-hmm.
Those frosty ones, you know, with a peephole
in it. You looked through and saw an angel.
I wonder why Marion Kerby
reminds me of an angel.
Uh, yes, where were we?
Maybe we'd better
start over.
The angel was a blond too.
You're driving us crazy way out here. I
mean, you're crazy to drive us way out here.
We could be at the apartment
sleeping our ears off.
The apartment's too close to
that bank. It's in the same city.
Why do you pick on the bank?
It doesn't pick on you.
That stuffed egg that runs it
does. Stuffed eggs, I love 'em.
You never know what's in 'em
till you take a bite.
Take a bite out of Topper for
me once and crack your teeth.
Why do you love him so? 'Cause he bores
me stiff. He's like a successful sheep.
Don't say that. Topper has very
interesting possibilities, maybe.
Well, so does a sheep. It can
be chopped or hash or soup.
Hash, Topper. That fits,
doesn't it, George?
Offhand, I'd say, what are you
talking about? Hash, Topper.
You know, all mixed up. All he needs
is straightening out, and I can do it.
Yes. The last time you tried straightening
a guy out, you cost me ten grand.
Not this time.
The foot's down.
If you ask me, I'd say
it was down too far.
I nearly skinned my eyebrows
on the trees that time.
My pet, if you were driving the
car, there wouldn't be any trees.
You'd have plowed 'em up. You remember
what happened to the last car we had?
Sure. You drove it into a meat
market. No, the one before that.
Well, I can't remember that
far back. George, look out.
What? There's something in
my eye. Something in your eye?
Be careful! Look out!
You'll never make it, George!
Oh, boy.
I guess I'll never hear
the last of this.
Oh, look at my car.
Look at my hat.
And I got a run
in my stockings.
Look at that.
I told you to slow up.
Would you? Oh, no.
Can I help it if a tire blows out?
Besides, I had something in my eye.
Couldn't have been
your driving, could it?
I've come around that curb much
faster lots of times. So have you.
It was such
a lovely car too.
Oh, George!
Hmm?
You're getting transparent.
You're fading.
Say, that's funny.
I can see through you too.
Say, who's that?
That's us.
You know something, George?
I think we're dead.
I think you're right.
It's funny,
I don't feel any different.
No, neither do I.
Now I wonder
what happens.
I don't know.
I suppose pretty soon we'll hear
trumpets, and then off we go.
I hope we go together, honey.
So do I.
No trumpets.
No, no trumpets.
Marion,
what do you suppose is the
conventional thing to do now?
I don't know.
We've never
been conventional.
I think we tell someone
our good deeds,
and then they open up the
beautiful gates and let us through.
Yes, but what good deeds
have you done?
Oh, dozens.
Name one.
Well, I've, uh-
Mm-hmm.
I've, uh-
Hey, what good deeds
have you done?
Well, I-
At least we haven't
done any bad ones, honey.
Yes, but that's
not enough, and-
and I'm afraid
it's too late now.
Yes.
And I'm afraid that
for once in our, uh-
Well, for once,
we're stuck.
George, maybe not.
Hmm?
Maybe if we could do
a good deed now, and-
Oh, George!
You're fading.
Didn't you think the lamb was especially
good? Yes, of course it was good.
Why must we always have lamb on
Sundays? You like lamb, don't you?
Yes, I like it, but couldn't we have it
on some other day? Say Tuesday or Thursday.
We have beef on Tuesday and
boiled vegetables on Thursday.
Oh, sparrows!
Why do you use
that silly word?
Because you won't let me
swear like a gentleman.
Cosmo, what has come
over you lately?
You've been acting
so strange and moody.
- Not at all like your usual self.
- I don't know.
Ever since the Kerby tragedy,
I've been thinking.
Clara, life is so very short, and
we get so very little out of it.
Don't you realize,
we're middle age?
But why should
we be middle age?
After all, we're not so very
much older than the Kerbys were.
And look how carefree they were,
how full of life.
I can hardly realize
they've gone.
Poor George.
Poor Marion.
Poor Marion?
Mmm.
Of course, I never saw her,
but from what I've heard of her,
she never thought of
anything in her whole life...
except how to paint her pretty
face and wag her figure about.
Oh, yes, she did.
She used to think about me.
Oh, don't be foolish.
I shudder to think what kind of a ninny
you'd make if you didn't have me to stop you.
There's a man outside, sir.
He wishes to see you about a
- a contraption he's brought with him.
Oh, yes.
Well, here she is,
Mr. Topper.
Just as good as the day
she was bought.
I've got a list of the things
I've done to her.
Mm-hmm.
Now, you see here,
I put in a brand-new
front axle.
No use trying
to repair them things.
Well, she's something,
isn't it?
How much you think
we could sell it for?
Well, it's pretty hard
to tell, Mr. Topper.
It ain't like trying
to sell just any car.
You gotta find the right party. You mean,
someone who hasn't heard of the wreck.
Yeah, that too.
Some people are superstitious.
I mean, somebody who will fit it,
kind of. What do you mean, "fit it"?
Well, like, uh - Well, take yourself. You
could never own a car like this.
No, I suppose not.
Why couldn't I?
Well, uh,
for one thing, the missus, she don't
care for anything flashy, does she?
Mrs. Topper runs the household,
and very efficiently too.
But when it comes
to buying cars-
Of course I never wanted
to buy a car like this, but...
if I did want to buy
a car like this, I'd, uh-
I'd buy a car like this.
How do I look? Oh, you
look swell, Mr. Topper.
You bet I do.
I fit it too.
Fit it just like
a kid glove, you know.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
Cosmo!
What are you doing in that horrible contrap
- that horrible thing?
Sitting in it, dear.
Just sitting.
Just sitting?
You look like a whatnot.
As a matter of fact,
I- I'm thinking of buying it.
Buying it?
Buying that-that circus wagon?
Well, of all the absurd-
Cosmo, you must be dithering.
I thought it'd be fun to drive my own car
- weekends, anyways.
Of course, I suppose you're old
enough to know your own mind, but-
Clara, we used to play together
once, and we could again.
We could - We could drive up to
Lake Placid, just you and I.
Stop at a roadhouse,
and dinner and dance-
You're asking me to drive in a car
that looks like a painted Jezebel?
And drive in it
to a roadhouse?
Why, it would be like going
to the opera in my nightgown.
Painted Jezebel, eh?
So I'm a ditherer.
Well, I'm jolly well
gonna dither then.
Would you mind
getting off my wife's lap?
Who said that?
Olley, olley, oxen free.
Stop it. My nerves
are jumpy enough already.
Where are you?
Hey, get off my foot.
Who are you?
Where are you?
I'm in no mood
for this sort of thing.
Come out in the open
where I can see you.
dd Toppy doesn't know us
Toppy doesn't know us dddd
Mrs. Kerby,
may I present Mr. Topper.
How do you do, Mr. Topper?
How-How-How do you do?
And this is Mr. Kerby,
Mr. Topper.
Uh, how-how do you-
George and
Marion Kerby? Why-
It can't be.
It- It mustn't be.
It is.
Oh, dear, dear. Topper's
fainted. Get some water, Marion.
Water.
Come on, Topper.
Oh, that's fine.
You're a great help.
My hat!
Oh, no, no, it can't be.
It- No, no, no-
I'm gonna get in my car
and drive home.
No, Topper.
Sit down, Topper.
You can't get in your car and drive
home because you've got a flat tire.
Besides, it isn't your car.
It's ours.
I'll walk. You can have the car. Mrs. Topper
doesn't like the horrible thing anyway.
George, did you hear that? Mrs.
Topper doesn't like the car.
Our good deed. Let's get to
work on him. What do you mean?
Never mind. Why doesn't Mrs. Topper like
the car? She just plain doesn't like it.
She often just plain doesn't like
things. What kind of talk is that?
She just plain doesn't
like things.
I refuse to say another word. I'm
probably talking to myself anyway.
Well, like that. We find you
fainting all over the place.
We nurse you back to health, and still
you're complaining. I want to go home!
No, Topper, you can't go home.
Besides, George has to change the tire.
And he's very good at
it too. Go ahead, honey.
All right,
I'll change the tire.
But I'll be darned if I'm gonna
waste any ectoplasm doing it.
You see, Toppy, we only have a certain
amount of ectoplasm to use to get visible.
Naturally, we can't waste
it, can we? Of course not, no.
No, I- I wish someone
would wake me up.
Now, now, Toppy,
I won't bite you.
Let's sit over there
by the tree and be comfortable.
We might as well be comfortable while
George works, don't you think so? Come on.
Come on.
You sit there
and I'll relax here.
You know, Toppy, you're
a funny little fellow.
You intrigue me. Why did
you happen to buy our car?
- I bought it because I was mad.
Who at?
- Never mind.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
- Toppy had a fight with Mrs. Toppy.
- I did not!
Come on. Tell the girlfriend
all about it.
- What girlfriend?
- Yours. Me.
Say, you don't mind if I save my energy
and just become nothing for a while, do you?
I don't suppose I do. I don't
know what you're talking about.
Dematerializing. Watch.
It works like a zipper.
Zip!
Marion!
Marion, where are you?
Right here.
What? Oh.
Well, make a noise every
now and then, will you,
so that I'll know
where I'm talking to?
Okay, I'll do this.
Yes, fine.
Now, go on. Tell me
about buying the car.
Oh, well, I- I just
decided I'd buy it, you know.
I had an awful time with it at
first, because I was going along...
and then a great big truck came
along and chased me off the road.
And then I was just getting over
that when a huge bus came along...
and-and chased me off
the side of the hill like-
Hey, watch out!
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Well, then-
then I was going along...
peacefully, you know,
and suddenly-
bam- I was slapped by a-
Just explaining something
to a friend of mine.
Is it my fault
that there's no one here?
Quiet.
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
dd The moss-covered bucket dd
dd That hangs in the well dd
dddd
Hey, Marion!
Come out, come out, wherever
you are. I've got an idea.
When George has an idea, it
is, generally speaking, an idea.
Bring Topper along. We'll go
places. I don't want to go places.
I've been to places, lots
of places. Really, I have.
Oh, but not with us. It's different
when you go places with us.
Bring him along, Marion! We gotta
have him. He's our good deed.
Come on, Toppy.
You drive, George. I'll sit in the
middle. Come on, Topper. Get in.
Don't you think I better drive? It'd look
so crazy to other people if you drive.
Now, come on.
Don't be a mess. Get in.
Close your door, Topper.
Look out!
What's the matter with you?
There was no one driving that car.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm not
crazy. I know what I saw.
The car was driving itself.
If you ask me, so was this one.
All right, I'll prove it for
you. Well, you'll have to!
I wish you'd stop this nonsense
and let yourselves be seen,
or- or let me drive.
Okay.
Slide over.
Now what have you
got to say?
I know when I'm licked.
Where am I taking you?
You're not taking us.
We're taking you.
Marion, it's bad enough just being in
the car with you two the way you are.
Well, the way you aren't.
Where are we going?
Unless you rented it to someone,
we're going to our penthouse.
Heavens! No,
I haven't rented it.
And we can have a drink. George
hasn't had a drink in days.
He looks much better than
he used to, don't you think?
How in heaven's name should
I know? Hey, stop pushing.
Don't push me!
I didn't push you. And if
I did push you, what of it?
Oh, a wise guy, huh?
Like those crazy Kerbys.
Crazy Kerbys, huh?
Wise guy, eh?
I wish you'd do something
about yourselves.
You have no idea how annoying it is to be out
with someone and you don't know where they are.
Okay, my friend,
anything to oblige.
Here we are, Topper. The Kerby Kennel.
Barking, howling and biting permissible.
Come in.
Where's Marion? Gone to her room,
I guess. You know how women are.
When they get home, they like to change
clothes, mess around, blither, blither.
You drink? I did once,
but it wasn't much fun.
Nobody noticed it. It made me dizzy
and I had to keep one eye shut.
Oh, well,
you had the floats.
I like 'em. Make you
feel nice and goofy.
Maybe I do need a drink. Maybe I've needed
a drink all these years and haven't known it.
There we are. Hold it.
Topper, my pet.
Thank you.
Mmm!
My wife objects to drinking.
Then she shouldn't drink.
She doesn't.
- Then what's her objections?
- If my wife were to walk in here right now,
I'd have to speak to her very sharply
in order to keep her from making a row.
Speak to her? Yes, I've
- I've never beaten her.
Not yet, I haven't.
Oh.
Open the other bottle.
Crazy Kerbys, eh?
Plush pup!
Thanks, George.
Mm-hmm.
Do- Do you feel
like dancing?
Do I feel like what?
Oh.
You know what I mean. Dancing and singing and
- Say that again.
Well, George,
dancing, singing.
dd Tra-la-la, tra-la-la With a
hey, nonny-nonny and a whoo- dddd
Relax, Topper, relax. Take
a drink. Stop fidgeting.
Oh.
Do you mind if I just sat here
and sort of sneak a little dance...
with my feet?
Cut it out.
Cut it out, will ya?
What if I just sat quietly here
and-and felt like dancing?
That'd be all right,
wouldn't it?
Look, what is this
dancing complex?
Look here,
would you mind if
I just got up and danced...
a roundabout...
on my tiptoes?
All right-
All right, if you must.
Go ahead, but take it easy.
dddd
Toppy, I think you got something
there. Hit it. Truck on down, Toppy.
Now that's how I dance.
How do you like it?
Yes, I thought
that was pretty bad.
I'm glad you like
my dancing, George.
I think I could learn how
to live after all, you know.
I can drink, all right.
And I can dance fine.
Now, about singing, hmm.
Let's sing a little, huh?
Yes, that's a good idea.
Let's sing.
Uh-huh.
Oh, there she is, George.
Where?
Topper, you look
like an owl.
Come here, George.
Huh?
I'm afraid I must ask you to request
your wife not to talk about me anymore.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Use your influence.
If you haven't any,
beat her.
Come on down, Marion.
All right.
Alley!
Oop.
dd Ta-rah dddd
Topper, you did that
on purpose. Nice going.
I'm dreadfully sorry.
I forgive you, Topper.
Nice forgiving too.
Can we dance now? Why, certainly.
That's what I got off my perch for.
dd Oh, the moss-covered- dd
d
dd Hangs in the well ddd
It's a fine thing,
trying to steal my wife, eh?
Why, I wouldn't think of such a thing, I
- I don't think.
Ah, Topper,
I'm disappointed in you.
Say, if I'm in the way, you
folks can leave. Oh, not at all.
Mighty nice of you to let me
stay around. What's biting you?
You're not getting
jealous, are you?
N- No. No, just
getting careful.
Say, listen.
What?
All I'm trying to do is to
complete our little experiment.
Yes, well, I don't know if I
like it. Well, that's too bad.
Grab a look at
your little experiment now.
We're not really being
very fair to him.
I don't think he knows
how to drink.
But he only had
a couple glasses of wine.
But I don't think he's ever
had a drink in his life.
Poor Topper.
Poor Topper.
Poor Topper.
You keep out of this.
Say, George, you know something? What?
I think fate sent him to us. I think
we ought to send him right back.
Oh, no. He looks like our
last chance at a good deed.
That's how he looks to you.
Well, look at him.
His whole soul is crying out
for self-expression.
Is that so?
Is that the way a soul looks when
it's crying out for self-expression?
Maybe. Maybe Topper's soul. Anyway, all
he needs is a little encouragement from us.
If you really wanna do him a good deed, get
him some bromo while I go change my clothes.
Hold down the fort, honey,
while I dissolve into a suit.
George, where is it?
Huh? Where's what?
Where?
Where what?
The bromo, you know.
Well, then give him some.
Then he'll just have
to have aspirin instead.
Oh, never mind. Let it go.
I'll be down in a minute.
Hmm, it moved.
We're fresh out of bromo.
Then put on your bonnet. We'll go
down to the drugstore and get him some.
Come on, Topper. Mm-hmm.
Dear, dear. Marion, come and
hold him here while I get my hat.
All right.
Oh, George, quick!
Trying to get away, huh?
Come on, Topper. Don't
drop him or he'll splash.
Now, now, Toppy, relax,
relax. Take it easy.
There he goes again.
Upsa-daisy, Toppy.
Say, George. We can't go
down the lobby like this.
We'll cause a riot. Fade.
Okay.
Don't teeter, Topper.
For heaven's sake! What's
the matter with that man?
Why- Why-
Why doesn't he fall?
What's the idea
of stealing my elevator?
We haven't got
your elevator, silly.
Huh?
I never wear them.
What do you mean by insulting
a guest? Well, he was-
You're fired!
Thank you, Toppy.
I've got a beehive in my
stomach, but don't mention it.
There's the bud now. Ask him what
make she is. Yeah, she's a beaut.
So that's the babe you've been talking
about. She'd be a cinch to handle.
No gentlemen would talk about a lady
like that, and I demand an apology.
You gonna... apologize?
Ah, you're daffy.
Why, you!
Let's go, Marion!
Get in.
Hey, there's the little
creep now! Get him!
What's going on here?
One at a time.
One at a time!
Now, who hit who?
He hit us!
Oh, he hit us?
Yeah!
One man attacking the whole
gang? The other two helped him.
What other two? Where
are they? In there.
Now don't try to be funny!
You, what happened?
That's right, Officer. He started
it, then his two friends jumped in.
What two friends? Where
are they? They got in there.
Then the other two jumped out of the
car and started slugging me from behind!
Hold on now.
Wait a minute!
Now then, what other two?
Holy cats! They're gone!
All right, all right!
Now look, mister, maybe you
can tell me what happened.
Me?
Yeah.
I wanna sing.
This one wants to sing.
All right, Danny. Come on.
Let's take 'em all in.
Sit down there.
People v. Cosmo Topper.
Say, were you guys in the same
fight with him? I'll say we were.
Who is he? He's a big-shot
banker from Wall Street.
What'd he do? For no reason, he
hangs a haymaker on Eddie's kisser.
A charge of being drunk and disorderly,
attacking a peaceful citizen...
and inciting a riot.
I'll tidy you up a little.
Brush him off, George,
while I fix his hanky. Okay.
There are four serious-
Just a nervous eccentricity, Your Honor.
It sometimes gets the better of me.
There are four serious
charges here, Mr. Topper.
I presume you wish to plead not
guilty and tell your side of the story.
On the contrary, Your Honor, I wish
to plead guilty and get it over with.
Well, in that case, you leave me no
alternative except to fine you $100.
Why, that's outrageous!
- What's that?
I- I said,
where do you pay us?
I mean,
where do you pay it?
Right there. Next case.
But the dame, wow! A dame? What
did she look like? Who is she?
A burlesque queen or something.
Swell-lookin' doll, but plenty tough.
Next case.
All right, boys,
out of the way.
Is everything
all right, Wilkins?
I should say, sir, though it's not my
place, that everything is quite all wrong.
In fact, I might even go so far as to add
that you have become a legend before your time.
Has-Has Mrs. Topper
heard about last night?
Mrs. Topper, sir,
has read about last night.
It's four minutes past 8:00.
I know, I know. We dress now.
Good morning, dear.
Good morning, Cosmo.
I'm late.
Your egg, sir.
Oh.
Your toast, sir.
Well, I- I mean, go on.
Let's get it over.
Cosmo, I've been
a good wife to you.
I've helped you climb to
the top in the business world...
and I certainly
raised you socially.
I married you
for better or for worse.
And if you see fit to drag
yourself and me in the gutter-
Oh, Clara, please.
Of course, you realize we'll have to
face the world without any friends.
No one with any self-respect will
ever cross our threshold again.
And you had to pick
this particular time too.
Well, I- I don't understand
just what you mean...
about "this particular
time," Marion.
I had every good reason to
believe that the Stuyvesants...
were going to ask us
to their next big party.
The Stuyvesants.
Oh, of course.
Yes, I know you
- you wanted to be asked there for years.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don't be sorry, Cosmo.
What's done is done.
And I will do my part...
to save what little I can from
the wreck you've made of our lives.
- 8:42, sir.
- Oh. Oh, dear.
Yes, madam?
Is Mrs. Topper home?
Who shall I say is calling?
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.
Mrs. Ruther-
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant? Oh.
Come in, madam.
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant calling,
madam. Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant!
Oh, good gracious, Wilkins,
you must be mistaken.
No, madam. Shall I-
Oh, yes, of course.
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.
Well, so you're Mrs. Topper.
I just dropped in to ask you and that
delicious husband of yours to come to dinner...
next Friday night
before our little dance.
Why, we- Why, I-
Oh, I do owe you an apology. I
should have called on you years ago,
but I didn't know whether you
would approve of our little crowd.
Approve? Oh, my dear.
Well, you see, I understood you
like to lead a quiet, simple life.
But after reading about Mr.
Topper's delightful escapade-
Mrs. Goodrich
and Mrs. Simpkins.
Well.
Hello, Grace.
I saw your car outside
and thought I'd just pop in.
We've been so anxious to meet you. I'm
sure we must have a great deal in common.
Thank you. I'm sure.
How do you do?
What a divine life our Mrs. Topper must
live. She must have a thrill a minute.
Living with Mr. Topper must
be like dancing on dynamite.
My goodness. That's not
a very good picture of him.
Well, bless my blond heart.
I never expected Mousy to break
out in this kind of a heat wave.
Could, uh,
I borrow your lipstick?
Sure.
Thank you.
Oh.
Dreaming it up, huh?
Good morning, Mr. Topper.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
No. Uh, yes, I meant.
Good morning, Mr. Topper.
Good morning.
Good morning!
Good morning.
Well, good morning, Mr.
Topper. Good morning.
What's the matter with you,
Miss Johnson? Stop gaping at me.
I'm not a monster,
in spite of the papers.
What's the matter with everybody?
Respectable bankers like J.D.,
who oughta frown on me, slapped me on
the back and asked me if she has a friend.
I- I can't understand it.
Take a letter, please.
Mr. Wilson P. Hemmingway,
Buffalo, New York.
Dear sir,
Your collateral is satisfactory,
and this corporation is prepared
to finance your proposition 100%.
It will of course be necessary for
you to deposit the bonds with us.
Stop goggling, Miss Johnson.
To resume.
I would suggest that
you come to New York...
at your earliest convenience.
Really, Miss Johnson. You seem
to be staring at my hat...
as though you thought there was
something dreadful the matter with it.
I do. Yes, well, then I think
perhaps you better take the day off...
and do whatever you do do
on your day off.
Perhaps I'd better had.
Yes.
All right, George, you win.
But I - I do think you might
show a little respect for the bank.
Don't push me!
Where are you?
What-
Marion wants a soda.
Oh.
So it's you, Marion.
After all the things
you've done to me,
you want me to buy you a
soda? Mm-hmm. A chocolate one.
Don't you understand that
this is my private office?
But all I want is a chocolate soda
with some vanilla ice cream in it.
Why doesn't George buy you
one? 'Cause he's wandered off.
Besides,
he doesn't like sodas.
And, Toppy,
I'm lonely anyway.
Haven't you any friends?
None that I like
as well as you.
Don't you do that again,
ever!
Supposing George were
watching us. But he isn't.
Well, how do I know he's not? You'll
just have to take my word for it.
Now stop being difficult.
Come on.
Here's your hat and here's your
stick. Here are your gloves.
Marion wants a nice-
I know.
You want a chocolate soda with
vanilla ice cream. Mm-hmm. Do I get it?
Not for a million dollars.
Oh, so you're gonna be mean?
All right. I can be just
as stubborn as you are.
I won't budge from here.
I know what I'll do.
I'll- I'll scream.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I, though?
Help! Stop it! I'll do anything
you like, but don't do that.
All right, then. Come
on. Shut that door.
You can't go out like that. What
will the people in the office think?
Well, supposing
I go out like this?
All right, go on.
Why, shame on you,
biting little children.
What's going on here?
Oh!
I wanna stop here.
Don't do that, Marion.
You nearly wrecked us.
I'll be out before
you can say "Jack Robinson. "
Only don't say it
for a few minutes.
Don't talk.
Someone will hear you.
Don't look now, Toppy, but there's
some lip rouge on your cheek.
Huh? Oh, yes.
This is delightful.
You wait here
and I'll go and investigate.
Marion, wh-what are you
up to now?
Here I am, Toppy.
Oh!
Marion, you-you promised to be
good, and... now look at you.
- Don't you dare go away
without me.
Why, I didn't see
anything unusual, no.
Well, maybe it was the
wind. Maybe you're right.
Cosmo?
Come right in here.
For heaven's sake, what are you
doing home at this time of day?
I ran away. I
- I mean, I thought it would be nice...
to feel how it would be to be
here during the daytime, you know.
I really can't understand
these women. They-
But, really. But women like Mrs.
Stuyvesant and Mrs. Goodrich.
Never before have they
- You can forget it if you wanted to.
And if you really cared for me, there are a
whole lot of things you could forget about.
Forget? What do you mean, forget? Yes.
Well, I know that the newspaper
said awful things about me,
but, you know, I'm not
that sort of a man, really.
I'm- I'm just
an old faithful dog.
That's all.
Uh-oh.
Old faithful dog?
Cosmo, I can't stand here and let
you flaunt your infidelity in my face.
But, Clara
- Don't speak. Don't try to explain.
It's all perfectly clear. But-But-But
I bought them for you as a surprise.
A surprise?
It's a shock!
No one - No one but a horrid woman
would wear a thing like this.
Oh, Cosmo!
Clara,
I'm so terribly sorry...
about those-
about those things.
I- Please let me in,
darling, won't you?
Go away.
Go away,
wicked old man.
I beg your pardon, sir, but
are we packing? I'mpacking.
Are we going away, sir?
I'mgoing away.
Can't you even look
like a human being?
I don't know, sir. I've never
tried. Well, you'd better try.
Now, sir?
Why not?
No. Better go back to the
old way, I think. Yes, sir.
And when shall I say
you'll be back, sir?
Say, "I don't know. " I don't know
where I'm going. I don't know where I am.
I don't know anything. Say anything
that pops into your fat, stupid head.
And lo, the worm turns.
Ah, well.
I thought perhaps
a cup of tea would help.
That's very kind of you. I
don't want any tea, Wilkins.
And I won't be down
for dinner.
I- I couldn't bear
the thought of facing him.
That won't be necessary, madam.
Mr. Topper has gone.
Gone? Gone where?
He didn't know.
He didn't know?
But that's ridiculous. Nobody can go
away and not know where they've gone.
Nobody can.
Wilkins, after all these years,
are you trying to be funny?
No, madam. Mr. Topper
went with a suitcase...
in the contraption.
He's left me.
I'll never see him again.
Oh, no, madam.
He'll come back.
If you'll pardon the liberty,
madam, he'll come back...
just to find out whether you've
missed him or not whilst he was away.
They always do.
Of course I'll miss him.
But he mustn't know that,
madam.
What difference does it make?
Even if he does come back,
I can never
hope to hold him.
That woman- He-
He doesn't want me anymore.
He- He wants these.
Did you say he wanted
those, madam? Yes, I-I did.
Then why not let him
have them? I don't-
I don't mean
just these things.
I mean-
Oh, Wilkins.
He's mad about
the sort of creature who-
the sort of woman
who wears these things.
But, my dear, dear madam,
might I suggest that...
you could so easily be the alluring
sort of woman who wears those?
Oh, confound it, madam. I still say if
he wants the pants, let him have them.
Oh! Wilkins!
How dare you-
Wilk-
Have a bite, Toppy.
Marion!
That's for
running away from me.
I'm mad at you. Well, why don't
you go away? Leave me alone.
Oh, I'm not that mad. But I ask
you, do you think it was very nice...
to run away from me?
Oh, don't let's talk about it
anymore. I've had enough of it.
I've had enough
of everything.
Oh, Toppy,
don't be mad at me.
Where are we going? I
don't know. I've left home.
Doesn't matter where I go.
Oh!
Then I'll tell you
what let's do.
Let's go to the Sea Breeze
Hotel. It's right on this road.
Is it?
Mm-hmm.
We can swim and play
and dance every night.
There's a wonderful orchestra
there. Oh, it'll be fun.
Swim and play
and dance every night, eh?
I bet it would-
What am I talking about?
I'm a married man. I can't
go gallivanting off with a-
Oh, Toppy,
you'll be fine.
Well, we won't go.
Look here, Marion, if you're
here I'm gonna be very angry.
In fact, I am angry now. I won't
have you upsetting me all the time.
Of course I'm here. You didn't
suppose I'd leave my Toppy, did you?
Be careful.
Here comes the bellboy.
Take this bag, will you?
Why are you staring at me like-like-
like something? I don't know.
Aren't you the guy
that cost me my last job?
Never saw you before
in my life.
Hey, did you notice something
funny about that guy?
That guy ain't funny.
He ain't even human.
Then I'll take charge
of this.
Call for Miss White, please.
Calling Miss White.
How do you do?
We have a nice room
on the third floor.
Third floor. That'll do very
nicely, thank you. Any floor.
Take this gentleman to
314. Yes, sir. This way.
Did you see what I saw?
Did I see what, Sherlock?
Nothin'.
Are you always this anxious
at getting a hotel room?
I have a reason for being anxious
to get into this room in a hurry.
Well, I have a reason to get
out of this room in a hurry.
Come on. Let me out. Go on.
Here.
Wait a minute.
Here. Here. Go on. Get
out. I wanna shut the door.
What's wrong with you?
Between you and that guy
in 314,
you'll excuse me
if I go nuts.
Marion. Marion, oh,
I do hope it isn't you.
What did you say? I can't
hear with this water running.
I said come out
from under my shower!
No use. I can't understand
a word you're saying.
Stop it, Marion.
We're being watched.
I wish you'd fly out a window
and leave me alone.
Oh, Marion, confound it.
Use your common sense.
I've already used
my common sense.
I've ordered cocktails.
And you'd better jump in the
shower and get yourself pretty.
I wouldn't change my tie
with you in the room.
Oh, Toppy, don't worry about me.
Get into your dinner clothes.
You're not dressed, are
you? Yes, I am dressed.
Well, get so
that I can see you,
so that I can
keep track of you.
How's this?
You didn't have this on
under the shower, did you?
No. But I just decided to
be dressed, and here I am.
Now you get dressed,
and hurry up. All right.
You sit here
where I can see you.
And what am I supposed
to do, twiddle my thumbs?
Mr. Topper home? Mr.
Topper's not at home, sir.
Are you sure?
Am I sure?
Why, certainly, I'm sure, sir.
Why shouldn't I be sure?
I just wondered. You look to me like
the kind of fellow who might not be sure.
Mr. Topper is not at home,
sir. That's what I said.
Wilkins, what is the matter?
Oh.
Mrs. Topper?
Mrs. Topper, where's that
mouse of a husband of yours?
Mouse? Shall I eject this person, madam?
Yes.
Well, no.
Uh, listen, smiley,
you stay out of this.
Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for
that goofy husband of yours.
I beg your pardon, sir, but I must
ask you to be a little more careful...
with your language
in front of Mrs. Topper.
Otherwise, I shall
put the slug on you.
No, no. Don't be athletic.
Where's your husband?
Where's your husband,
Mrs. Topper?
I don't know.
Mr. Topper's gone away.
Yes, well, that's just what
I thought. What do you mean?
Mrs. Topper,
I'm looking for my wife,
and I've got a certain sneaking
suspicion that if I find Topper,
I'm gonna find her too! You
mean she might be with Cosmo?
Yes, well, it's just possible.
Listen, have you got a slug of scotch?
'Cause I've got the jitters. I'm sorry, but
we've never had any stimulants in the house.
That's a fine thing. Why don't you have
a snort in the house for the poor man,
instead of lamb on Sunday, stew
on Monday, beef on Wednesday?
Why don't you go out dancing with him
occasionally? Then he wouldn't have left you.
I suppose you're right. Well,
it's too late now. Oh, dear.
Please go, sir. You're
breaking the madam's heart.
Yeah. Well, if I find
Topper, I'll break his neck.
And believe me, I'll find him! Oh!
He's very handsome, isn't he?
Mrs. Topper!
Get me an aspirin.
Why, of course.
Wilkins, I'm not supposed
to be the butler. You are.
So I am.
I'll get the aspirin myself.
Come in.
Marion, get out of here. Quick.
Someone's coming. That's right.
Come in.
What are you gaping at?
C- Can I hear you say
"Come in" again?
Don't be impertinent.
Put those things down there.
Well, hurry up. Hurry up. Oh, get out!
Can't you look where
I'm going? Yes, sir.
So what's eatin' you?
The next time I go to 314,
I'm not going.
314?
Yeah, the guy's spooky.
I just brought him four cocktails.
Four cocktails at one time?
For one guy? Well,
one guy and two voices.
What do you mean, two voices? Well,
first he goes way down low like this.
Then he talks way up high
like a dame. Talks way up-
Talks way up high like a dame? Well,
get downstairs and get the manager.
Get him up here right away.
He don't need a manager.
He needs a straitjacket.
Hurry up.
Well?
Don't scare me like that.
You know I'm a bundle of
nerves when I'm on duty.
You sent for me, Casey. Yes, and
I'm glad you finally got here.
Why? What's wrong?
Hey, you see, the guy-
Quiet.
I'm in charge here.
Don't you understand?
He's got a woman in there,
and she's not registered.
I'll attend to this.
- Shh! Who is it? - I'm the hotel manager.
Please open this door at once.
Vanish.
Shh.
I'm sorry, sir,
but I shall have to ask you...
and, uh, the lady
to give up your room.
The lady?
What lady?
What lady? Perhaps you can
explain the red on this cigarette.
Yes. I cut my tongue
when I was shaving this morning.
Hmm. Cut your tongue?
Mm-hmm.
Listen, don't try to kid us. There's
a woman in here. We heard her.
Mm-hmm.
She's gone.
Casey, you're a fool.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Topper, to
have caused you this embarrassment.
I- I hope you'll accept
my apology.
Oh, but think nothing of it. Promise
me you'll think nothing of it.
You have no idea how badly I should
feel if you didn't promise me...
you were going to think nothing
of it. Well, I am sorry. I-
I hope you'll accept
my humble apology.
Why, it's a deal.
I guess I'm sorry too.
Cuckoo!
Uh, m-me too. Get out
of here, you moron.
House detective, eh?
A fine hash
you've made of things.
Now don't tell me that
you hear two people laughing.
Another mistake like this
and you'll be fired.
Now, watch yourself.
Come on, Toppy.
I'm hungry.
Let's go down to dinner. On an empty
stomach? I want some more pink ladies.
I'll get you some more
pink ladies. Come on.
It's a good thing no one
saw us coming out of my room.
Why, Toppy,
I think we look lovely.
We're the best dressed
couple in this hallway.
Well, let's- let's pretend
we're not together.
dddd
Thank you, Toppy.
Mm-hmm.
You know, Marion,
you're positively beautiful.
Yes, I might almost say
you were gorgeous.
Mmm.
I will say it.
You are gorgeous.
I think you're
gorgeous too, darling.
Oh, captain, bring the wine
list. We don't want a wine list.
No? We want a flock more of pink ladies.
That's right.
Bring a lot of pink ladies.
And go on bringing them,
on and on. Yes, sir.
Yeah! dd Old Man Moon Wake up now dd
dd 'Cause I've fallen
in love dd
Yeah!
dd Go spread the news dd
dd To all the stars above dd
dd Shine for my baby
while we're dancin' tonight dd
dddd
I wanna dance.
I thought we wanted to drink. Mm-hmm.
I do. I wanna drink,
I wanna dance, I wanna sing.
I wanna-
I wanna have fun.
Whee! Whoo-hoo! Come on! Let's dance.
dd And if it's possible dd
dd Keep shinin' till noon dd
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dddd
My, this is fun. Well, I'm
glad one of us is enjoying it.
Oh, I say, huh? Oh, no. Don't
listen to me. I really like it a lot.
And I like you a lot. Toppy,
are you falling in love with me?
I tell you, I'm just
that way about you.
Just that way
about my wife, huh?
Listen, Marion, what did you mean
by that remark on the telephone?
"We're not married anymore. "
Come here. I want to talk to you.
Hey, listen, what are you
so burned up about?
What about you
up in Westchester?
Don't change the subject. What
did you mean by that remark?
You'll pardon us, but this is just
an old family after-dinner custom.
Now, listen, Marion - Oh, George, you're
ruining our good evening.
Here. Have a pink lady.
Oh, I've had a pink lady.
And to places with a good deed. I'd
rather have you. Of course, of course.
You stay out of this. Never mind,
Toppy. I'll meet you in the lobby.
What's wrong here? You are. Take a walk.
You can't talk that way to me. Shut up!
She's right.
That's enough out of you.
See here, young la-
Where did she go to?
Never mind.
You stay here like a good little
pelican, and I'll find her.
Hey, where are you?
Where'd you go to? Where
are ya, either one of ya?
Why don't you watch what you're
doing! I didn't do anything.
Well, then watch yourself. Well,
I've got enough to worry about.
What happened? I-
Stop pushing me! I'll not stop
pushing you because I didn't push you!
Ohh! Topper, you're going home
to your wife where you belong.
George, I won't be ordered
about. You're going home!
I am not.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, you naughty boy,
to tickle me like that.
What?
Well, my husband
will put a stop to this.
I wish he would, really.
Where are you going?
I quit.
That guy from 314
is too much for me.
Don't be silly. I'll have this rumpus
straightened out before I can bat an eye.
You just stand here
and bat your eyes.
I'm going out and get a nice
quiet job in a nut factory.
Sit down, Topper.
I wanna talk to you.
I won't sit down!
Oh, yes, you will.
No, I will not.
Something a little odd about
this hotel, don't you think?
I'm having a little chair trouble,
but you pay no attention to it.
I'm, uh- I'm reading.
Where's Casey? I don't know.
He wouldn't be any help anyway.
Well, you go call the police
before the whole hotel's wrecked.
George. George,
this can't go on.
It's gotta stop.
George.
I beg your pardon.
Did you drop this?
Oh!
Why, you-
you witch, you!
Casey, get that wild man to my office
before we lose every guest in the house.
Right. I'll show him
who he thinks we are.
The manager wants to see you
instantaneously.
I don't wanna see him. Now, don't evade
the question. You're gonna see him anyhow.
George? George.
George!
Uh-huh.
I've been looking for you.
What do you say we make up? Okay, hon.
Hey, you know, this is
the best fight we ever had.
But look at poor Toppy. We've
gotta do something about him.
It's practically done.
Get his bag in the car.
All right, darling.
Oh!
What are you doing?
Stop it!
You're hurting Rollo!
Take this sack of bones
off of me!
Won't somebody help me, please? So you're
the guy that caused all this trouble, huh?
I'm the house detective.
I'm in charge here.
Come on. Get up.
Here, hold this while
I go for the cuffs.
Eh, what is this?
It's a dog.
Are you trying to make a
sap out of me? It's too late.
Who said that?
Did you say that?
Of course not.
That's what's wrong here.
There's a phantom something or
someone who's wrecking this hotel.
And I want him caught!
A phantom?
Who you trying to kid?
All right, men,
surround it!
Surround who?
Who's giving orders here?
You folks watch the door.
Come on, men. Follow me.
All right, men, line up.
We'll rake the room.
Quiet!
Ooh-ga-boo!
Steady, men.
We're closing in on him.
Bread and butter.
Ba-boom! Happy New Year!
There he is!
Ooh! Get off!
Up. Get up!
A fine bunch of cops
you are.
I had that guy right where he
wanted me, till you crossed him up.
He's gone!
He's gone!
Sergeant, he's gone. He got into
the automobile and drove away,
but nobody was driving it.
Oh, there must be an easier
way to make a livin' than this.
Stop squirming, Topper.
What's the matter with you?
I can't help it.
Look at that speedometer.
What are you two trying to do,
make me like you?
Can't help it, old boy.
I'm scared stiff!
Where are we going?
I'm sorry, Topper.
I don't know.
All I know is I've gotta
go there, fast! Slow down!
Please slow down!
I said you'd ruin me,
and you have.
Now you've done it.
George, Marion,
where are you? Oh.
A fine thing.
Here we are again.
Hmph. Once more around that
curve, I won't have a hat left.
Look at Topper.
Hmm?
Now look here, you two.
But look at me.
I'm just like you now.
Keep your garters on, Toppy.
You'll be all right. You're
just a little unconscious.
Ah, yeah. You're much
too solid, Topper.
I don't think you've become
a member of our club yet.
Well, I won't go back.
I won't do it. Why not?
You won't do what? I won't go
back to that silly old routine.
Up at 8:00, bed at 11:00.
Lamb on Sundays. I won't do it!
Oh, Topper, don't be foolish.
They won't make you do that again.
I'd rather stay here
with you and Marion,
even though it is like living
on the top of a volcano.
But, Topper, you've gotta go back. You
don't know how much it means to her.
No, I won't. Topper, you've
gotta go back! Don't you see-
George! Trumpets!
No, no, it isn't trumpets. It's
an ambulance! Get back, Topper!
No, I don't wanna go.
Well, if I've got to go,
I've got to go.
But I'll get up when I feel like it
in the morning and I'll have some fun.
Where were we?
You've had an accident, but you're safe
at home and you're going to be all right.
Where's-Where's Marion?
I'll call Mrs. Topper right
away. No, not Mrs. Topper.
Marion.
Who's Marion?
Oh. Mm-hmm.
She's probably someone I dreamed
about when I was in the ether.
But you didn't have any
ether. Oh, yes, I did.
You'd be surprised.
Your wife is very anxious to see
you. Do you feel able to talk to her?
You would bring that up.
I'm all right.
Go ahead and call her.
Might as well
get it over with.
Mr. Topper is conscious
and wishes to see you.
- Is he really all right?
- He's perfectly fine.
Oh!
Madam?
Why, Wilkins!
Mmm.
dd
dd The old oaken bucket
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
dd The moss-covered bucket
that hangs- dddd
See? Since I quit drinking,
no more jitters.
Well, I wish you'd sit down.
You give me the jitters.
What in the world are you
trying to do anyway? Shh!
Quiet. I'm practicing
to be an angel.
Some angel you'll make.
Hmm!
Nice retorting.
Well, I'm still your little
angel, aren't I, honey?
Oh, stop it.
Well, aren't I?
Of course you are.
But don't say "Aren't I."
Okay, pet.
Ain't I?
Say, I do hope Mrs. Topper
doesn't gum up our good deed.
Well, we'll know
in a minute.
Oh, darling. I was so afraid
I was going to lose you.
Oh, you can't lose a bad
penny like me, you know.
You're not a bad penny. You're just
the dearest, sweetest husband...
a woman ever had.
Darling, you amaze me.
You look so differently,
and you-
you act so differently.
I am different. And I've
been praying you'd come back,
so I could prove it.
Will you promise not to laugh
if I show you something?
I promise.
I'm-I'm too astonished
to laugh.
You do understand,
don't you?
Oh, darling, I understand.
Why... I love you.
Cosmo.
But I wonder if you knew
everything. If you knew-
I don't want to know anything. I'm just
going to love you, and never question.
So long, Toppy.
We're on our way.
We won't be seeing you
anymore, Toppy. So long.
What was that?
I thought I heard voices.
No. Remember, darling,
love me and never question.
Bless our happy home.
dd Oh, the old oaken bucket
dd Bucket dd
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
d dd Oh, bucket dd dd
The moss-covered bucket d
George. George!
dd That hangs in the well dd
I think it was pretty mean of you to
drag us out and leave all our guests flat.
Oh, you didn't drag us out?
Well, I didn't invite them. dddd
You didn't even know them? Well,
they've only been there for three days.
George. George!
Wait a minute. I'll be back in a
minute, honey. What do you want?
What time is it?
Huh?
I said, where we going? That
isn't what you said before.
dd Oh, we're going to Wall
Street to see Old Man Topper dd
dd dd Iron-bound Topper dd
dd That moss-covered Topper
dd That I promised to meet him at
his bank for the annual meeting dd
dd dd Of the board of directors
at 10:30 in the morning dd
Too many words, honey.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, let's see. It's 10:00 now. Yep.
And it takes a half an
hour to drive in. Yep.
And the meeting's at 10:30
in the morning. Mm-hmm.
That leaves 12 hours for-
for a night of complete rest.
Yes!
dddd
Mm-hmm. So this is how one
starts getting a night's rest?
My pet, resting is the sort of thing
you've gotta work up to gradually.
Oh, excuse me.
It's very dangerous to rest all
of a sudden. Come on, darling.
Mr. Kerby is here. Hurry.
Yes, sir.
Good evening, Mrs. Kerby. Hello, Joe.
We have a nice big size
table for you. Over there.
Hi, Mac.
Hello, George.
How are you, George?
Thank you, Harry. Good
evening, Mrs. Kerby.
Hello, George.
dddd
Come on. The music's swell. What?
I said, "The music's swell!" Can't
hear you, but that's good music.
That's what I said.
May I cut in?
dddd
Is this the way in?
Looks like it.
Well, how do we get out? Honey,
you slide in and they carry you out.
Oh, no.
Where I go, you go.
No, hey, wait for me.
Hup!
Don't forget to write.
Gentle George.
Deceitful George.
Yeah!
dd Old Man Moon wake up now dd Quiet!
dd 'Cause I've fallen in love dd
dd Go spread the news
to all the stars dd
dd Above dd
dd Shine for my baby
while we're dancing dd
dd Tonight dd
dd And fill her tender eyes
with love dd
dd And dynamite dd
Yeah.
Yeah, and look at the time. Look at the
time. dd Old Man Moon puts stardust dd
dd In a bottle of wine dd
dd Just do your darnedest
to make sure dd
dd That she'll be mine dd
Please, Mr. Kerby.
dd And if it's possible to keep shining
till noon dd Bring your party home, please.
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
Look, Mr. Kerby,
you are my best customer.
And I appreciate that.
Maybe you got no home.
Maybe you don't need sleep.
But me, I have a home...
and I need to have-a
some sleep!
All right, Tony.
Just one more chorus.
You're telling me the same
story for the last hour.
I get-a sick and tired of hearing
that song over and over again!
dd With love or dynamite dd
dd Old Man Moon keeps stardust
in a bottle of wine dd
dd Just do your darnedest
to make sure dd
d Yes, good night! dd
That she'll be mine d
Maybe the poor man's tired.
I don't know why he should be
tired. We did all the singing.
dd And if it's possible
to keep shining till noon dd
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dddd
dd Old Man Moon
Old Man Moon dddd
Good night, buddy!
So long. See you next time.
Come on. Enough of it.
dd Old Man Moon
Old Man Moon dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dd Oh, Old Man Moon dd
dd My sincerest thanks to
you, sir dd dd Old Man Moon dd
Get in, honey.
You get in, darling.
dd Oh, Old Man Moon dd Ah, Jimmy.
Did we keep you waiting long?
Oh, that's all right. dd My
sincerest thanks to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
Wilson!
dd dd Old Man Wilson Old Man Wilson dd
Old Man Wilson, that squares us up
for the whole week. Right, Mr. Kerby.
dddd
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dddd
Hey, George, is this
10:30 in the morning?
No, this is Topper's bank.
Oh.
Honey, do me a favor.
What?
Shut my eyes.
I'll shut your mouth.
Good night, my pet.
Good night.
Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, hello. You going to
a costume ball?
What do you think this is, an
auto camp? Crosspatch, crosspatch.
Get out of here. You can't
sleep here. I'm not sleeping.
Talk to him about it.
He seems to be doing it all.
Oh, hush, Marion.
Who have you dug up now?
I didn't dig him up. He
dug us up. Make him go away.
I can't. It's a C-O-P.
C- O-P? Oh!
Tell him we don't want
any. Hey, hey, hey!
Flies. Get out of here.
Now you can't sleep here.
Uh, we're not sleeping. We're
waiting. Waitin' for what?
For-For- For the annual meeting of the
board of directors of that there bank.
Oh, darn.
There's nobody in there.
Maybe they're late.
"Maybe they're late. "
You see, you can't argue
with him. I can't, eh?
Now I wanna tell you something
- See what you can do with this instead.
Well, of all the- Oh!
Temper.
It's three minutes
after 8:00, sir.
Oh, all right, Wilkins.
Do you realize that most men don't get
chased out of the water like trained seals?
Most men can dawdle in their
shower. You are not most men, sir.
Why can't I be most men?
Because you are Mr. Topper, sir.
And Mrs. Topper insists.
It's four minutes past.
We dress now.
We dress now, yeah.
Good morning, Clara.
Good morning, dear.
You're late.
Oh, better late
than never.
Only 44 seconds anyhow.
Can't that fella wait until
I tell him what I want?
Because you always
have the same thing.
Supposing one morning I were to
take a notion to battle a trout...
or some oatmeal
or something?
Where would we be then?
Don't be silly.
I've taken great pains
to arrange your diet properly.
You need sulphur,
and eggs have sulphur.
Don't dally, dear.
James tells me you had
to run for the train yesterday.
I did. I ran fast too.
I caught the very last step.
The very last step?
Outrageous.
What is outrageous about running
for a train, dear? Lots of men do it.
Yes, clerks and bookkeepers who come
to the depot in a bus to catch the 7:45.
But for the president of the
bank to arrive in a limousine...
to take the banker's special, and then to run
all over the platform like a silly chicken.
I didn't run like a silly
chicken. I ran beautifully.
Besides, you know how
you puff when you run.
Of course I puff. Everybody
puffs. You puff yourself, Clara.
I remember that day
- Cosmo, please. Don't be vulgar.
Sorry, dear. And I don't care if
you are well-preserved for your age.
You look anything but
dignified when you run.
And I won't have you climbing aboard
the banker's special all out of breath.
8:42, sir.
Good-bye, dear.
Bye.
Don't run, dear.
It's 8:45, Mr. Topper.
Morning, Mr. Topper.
Good morning.
Good morning, Mr. Topper.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
You know, it is a good
morning too, isn't it?
I haven't enjoyed it though.
Don't you feel all right?
I don't feel all right. I feel
a million years old. You, old?
Why, you'll never grow
old, Mr. Topper. No?
I think you grow younger
every year.
I'd rather grow younger every
day. Anything special this morning?
No, but Mrs. Topper phoned me to be sure
that you go to lunch promptly at 12:00.
Did she tell you what I was to
eat? It's all right, I'll remember.
The directors are all waiting
in the board room. All of them?
All except Mr. Kerby.
He promised me faithfully-
He's not here. I phoned his
penthouse and their Long Island place.
Neither of them had been
home all night. I suppose not.
We'll probably have to get a detective
to... locate him the way we did last year.
If he should turn up, ask him please to
come in and sign the minutes at least.
My word! Fine place to sleep, isn't it?
Gentlemen, we will as usual
conduct our annual meeting...
without the presence of our
largest stockholder, Mr. Kerby.
Weather clear, track fast!
I made it!
The meeting will please
come to order.
Very gratifying to have you
with us, Mr. Kerby.
I will read the annual statement
that is ready for publication...
if approved by this board...
and you, Mr. Kerby.
Okay, shoot.
Shoot, huh? "Cash on hand
in federal reserve bank...
"and due from banks
and bankers: $660,220,262...
"and 99 cents.
Bullion abroad and in transit:
$13,202,854 and no cents. "
- No cents.
- I just said that, Mr. Kerby.
So did I.
Yes. To continue.
"Acceptances:
$47,501,324and 36 cents.
"Less own acceptances held
for investments:
"$7,986,449 and 39 cents.
Which totals for
$39,514,874 and 97 cents. "
Just goes to sleep from going
to those wild parties.
Then you come here
to sleep.
Just hold the car, please. I'll
be back in a couple of days.
Get a load of
the fur-bearing blond.
Good morning, Mrs. Kerby.
Good morning.
If you're looking for your husband
- I know where he is.
In there dummying up
the directors' meeting.
But if you happen to see him looking for
someone, remind him that it's me, will you?
And tell him where I am.
Oh, my goodness. She's gone
into his private office.
"Lobbies and endorsements and
acceptances and foreign bills:
"$3,014,142
and no cents.
"Deposits:
"$1,709,643,127
and 39 cents.
"Liabilities and endorsements...
dddd
"and outstanding checks:
"35,166,883
and 36 cents.
dddd
"Total:
1,744,910,010 and 75 cents. "
dd The old oaken bucket dd
Yeah!
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
"Balance:
$2,086,978,810 and 17 cents. " dddd
Now, if you gentlemen will agree this
report is satisfactory for publication-
- It can't be done!
- I beg your pardon. I don't understand why.
Look, try it.
You try writing your name upside
down and backwards without stopping.
Here.
I move we adjourn.
I second the motion.
Aye.
Carried. Now, if you gentlemen will excuse
me, I have a great deal of business...
that I wish to attend to
at once.
Whew!
"Moss-covered bucket!"
"Write your name backwards.
It can't be done. "
No sense. George Kerby's a nitwit
if ever I saw one. Confound him.
Psst!
Don't "psst" at me.
Go ahead and "psst" at him.
I think it's cute. Why, I-I
didn't know you were here.
Oh, don't apologize.
If you're confounding George,
I think you're absolutely right.
But you only have to put up with him once a
year. Think of me. I have to live with him.
I like it so, but
- Please don't misunderstand. I like George.
I- I'm very fond of him.
And he's fond of you too.
In fact, we both are.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, please, no.
Uh, uh, that'll be all,
Miss Johnson.
You know, Topper, you were awfully silly
not to come to our anniversary party.
It was a swell one.
Laughter for days.
In fact, I think it's-
it might be still going on.
I bet it was fun, yeah.
But-But Mrs. -
Mrs. Topper... doesn't approve.
She- We had
another engagement.
You understand, don't you?
Yes, I'm afraid I do.
Why don't you stop being a mummy
for a few minutes and come to life?
There's nothing wrong in being a mummy
if you had any fun in getting that way-
But I- I didn't, you see.
No, I can tell that by the
way you're staring at my knees.
Why, I-I never stared
at a knee in my life.
That's probably just
what's wrong with you.
Of course, I... I suppose I do envy
the way you and George do things.
But it would never do for me,
for a man in my position.
Then as Mrs. Topper says-
Ah, as Mrs. Topper says.
That's the situation
and the box it came in.
Oh. Oh.
Hello, honey. Never mind. I
found her. She's running the bank.
Huh?
George, look.
What's the matter with him? He's old
enough to know what's the matter with him.
"Liabilities, no cents,
assets. "
Topper, I know just the thing
for the two of us. Where is it?
But something's biting the man, eating
him from the inside. Maybe termites.
What sort of a woman is Mrs.
Topper? Don't tell me. I'll guess.
Is she the horsey type? No.
The tennis type? No.
I know. She's the kin type.
Arranges your diets, fixes your clothes,
tells you what you'll eat and where you'll go.
Well, to a certain extent,
yes. Where do you keep it?
Keep what? The bottle. Don't
tell me there isn't a bottle here?
Of course there isn't a bottle.
This is a business office.
Business is all right, but don't you
think that's carrying business too far?
Come on. Let's roll.
I don't wanna leave Topper.
Somehow I feel if I could pull him
apart, I could put him together...
and he'd work much better.
Catch.
Topper, take my advice. Don't let
her make a guinea pig out of you.
You'll never be the same again.
So long.
Hmm. Mrs. Kerby's handkerchief.
Oh. Thank you.
I'm ready, Mr. Topper.
Hmm. Yes, yes.
H. Greg & Company, 80
Milk Street, Boston, Mass.
Dear sir. Yours is
the ninth received and-
Fascinating woman,
Marion Kerby, isn't she?
She reminds me of an Easter egg
I had as a small boy.
- An Easter egg?
- Mm-hmm.
Those frosty ones, you know, with a peephole
in it. You looked through and saw an angel.
I wonder why Marion Kerby
reminds me of an angel.
Uh, yes, where were we?
Maybe we'd better
start over.
The angel was a blond too.
You're driving us crazy way out here. I
mean, you're crazy to drive us way out here.
We could be at the apartment
sleeping our ears off.
The apartment's too close to
that bank. It's in the same city.
Why do you pick on the bank?
It doesn't pick on you.
That stuffed egg that runs it
does. Stuffed eggs, I love 'em.
You never know what's in 'em
till you take a bite.
Take a bite out of Topper for
me once and crack your teeth.
Why do you love him so? 'Cause he bores
me stiff. He's like a successful sheep.
Don't say that. Topper has very
interesting possibilities, maybe.
Well, so does a sheep. It can
be chopped or hash or soup.
Hash, Topper. That fits,
doesn't it, George?
Offhand, I'd say, what are you
talking about? Hash, Topper.
You know, all mixed up. All he needs
is straightening out, and I can do it.
Yes. The last time you tried straightening
a guy out, you cost me ten grand.
Not this time.
The foot's down.
If you ask me, I'd say
it was down too far.
I nearly skinned my eyebrows
on the trees that time.
My pet, if you were driving the
car, there wouldn't be any trees.
You'd have plowed 'em up. You remember
what happened to the last car we had?
Sure. You drove it into a meat
market. No, the one before that.
Well, I can't remember that
far back. George, look out.
What? There's something in
my eye. Something in your eye?
Be careful! Look out!
You'll never make it, George!
Oh, boy.
I guess I'll never hear
the last of this.
Oh, look at my car.
Look at my hat.
And I got a run
in my stockings.
Look at that.
I told you to slow up.
Would you? Oh, no.
Can I help it if a tire blows out?
Besides, I had something in my eye.
Couldn't have been
your driving, could it?
I've come around that curb much
faster lots of times. So have you.
It was such
a lovely car too.
Oh, George!
Hmm?
You're getting transparent.
You're fading.
Say, that's funny.
I can see through you too.
Say, who's that?
That's us.
You know something, George?
I think we're dead.
I think you're right.
It's funny,
I don't feel any different.
No, neither do I.
Now I wonder
what happens.
I don't know.
I suppose pretty soon we'll hear
trumpets, and then off we go.
I hope we go together, honey.
So do I.
No trumpets.
No, no trumpets.
Marion,
what do you suppose is the
conventional thing to do now?
I don't know.
We've never
been conventional.
I think we tell someone
our good deeds,
and then they open up the
beautiful gates and let us through.
Yes, but what good deeds
have you done?
Oh, dozens.
Name one.
Well, I've, uh-
Mm-hmm.
I've, uh-
Hey, what good deeds
have you done?
Well, I-
At least we haven't
done any bad ones, honey.
Yes, but that's
not enough, and-
and I'm afraid
it's too late now.
Yes.
And I'm afraid that
for once in our, uh-
Well, for once,
we're stuck.
George, maybe not.
Hmm?
Maybe if we could do
a good deed now, and-
Oh, George!
You're fading.
Didn't you think the lamb was especially
good? Yes, of course it was good.
Why must we always have lamb on
Sundays? You like lamb, don't you?
Yes, I like it, but couldn't we have it
on some other day? Say Tuesday or Thursday.
We have beef on Tuesday and
boiled vegetables on Thursday.
Oh, sparrows!
Why do you use
that silly word?
Because you won't let me
swear like a gentleman.
Cosmo, what has come
over you lately?
You've been acting
so strange and moody.
- Not at all like your usual self.
- I don't know.
Ever since the Kerby tragedy,
I've been thinking.
Clara, life is so very short, and
we get so very little out of it.
Don't you realize,
we're middle age?
But why should
we be middle age?
After all, we're not so very
much older than the Kerbys were.
And look how carefree they were,
how full of life.
I can hardly realize
they've gone.
Poor George.
Poor Marion.
Poor Marion?
Mmm.
Of course, I never saw her,
but from what I've heard of her,
she never thought of
anything in her whole life...
except how to paint her pretty
face and wag her figure about.
Oh, yes, she did.
She used to think about me.
Oh, don't be foolish.
I shudder to think what kind of a ninny
you'd make if you didn't have me to stop you.
There's a man outside, sir.
He wishes to see you about a
- a contraption he's brought with him.
Oh, yes.
Well, here she is,
Mr. Topper.
Just as good as the day
she was bought.
I've got a list of the things
I've done to her.
Mm-hmm.
Now, you see here,
I put in a brand-new
front axle.
No use trying
to repair them things.
Well, she's something,
isn't it?
How much you think
we could sell it for?
Well, it's pretty hard
to tell, Mr. Topper.
It ain't like trying
to sell just any car.
You gotta find the right party. You mean,
someone who hasn't heard of the wreck.
Yeah, that too.
Some people are superstitious.
I mean, somebody who will fit it,
kind of. What do you mean, "fit it"?
Well, like, uh - Well, take yourself. You
could never own a car like this.
No, I suppose not.
Why couldn't I?
Well, uh,
for one thing, the missus, she don't
care for anything flashy, does she?
Mrs. Topper runs the household,
and very efficiently too.
But when it comes
to buying cars-
Of course I never wanted
to buy a car like this, but...
if I did want to buy
a car like this, I'd, uh-
I'd buy a car like this.
How do I look? Oh, you
look swell, Mr. Topper.
You bet I do.
I fit it too.
Fit it just like
a kid glove, you know.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
Cosmo!
What are you doing in that horrible contrap
- that horrible thing?
Sitting in it, dear.
Just sitting.
Just sitting?
You look like a whatnot.
As a matter of fact,
I- I'm thinking of buying it.
Buying it?
Buying that-that circus wagon?
Well, of all the absurd-
Cosmo, you must be dithering.
I thought it'd be fun to drive my own car
- weekends, anyways.
Of course, I suppose you're old
enough to know your own mind, but-
Clara, we used to play together
once, and we could again.
We could - We could drive up to
Lake Placid, just you and I.
Stop at a roadhouse,
and dinner and dance-
You're asking me to drive in a car
that looks like a painted Jezebel?
And drive in it
to a roadhouse?
Why, it would be like going
to the opera in my nightgown.
Painted Jezebel, eh?
So I'm a ditherer.
Well, I'm jolly well
gonna dither then.
Would you mind
getting off my wife's lap?
Who said that?
Olley, olley, oxen free.
Stop it. My nerves
are jumpy enough already.
Where are you?
Hey, get off my foot.
Who are you?
Where are you?
I'm in no mood
for this sort of thing.
Come out in the open
where I can see you.
dd Toppy doesn't know us
Toppy doesn't know us dddd
Mrs. Kerby,
may I present Mr. Topper.
How do you do, Mr. Topper?
How-How-How do you do?
And this is Mr. Kerby,
Mr. Topper.
Uh, how-how do you-
George and
Marion Kerby? Why-
It can't be.
It- It mustn't be.
It is.
Oh, dear, dear. Topper's
fainted. Get some water, Marion.
Water.
Come on, Topper.
Oh, that's fine.
You're a great help.
My hat!
Oh, no, no, it can't be.
It- No, no, no-
I'm gonna get in my car
and drive home.
No, Topper.
Sit down, Topper.
You can't get in your car and drive
home because you've got a flat tire.
Besides, it isn't your car.
It's ours.
I'll walk. You can have the car. Mrs. Topper
doesn't like the horrible thing anyway.
George, did you hear that? Mrs.
Topper doesn't like the car.
Our good deed. Let's get to
work on him. What do you mean?
Never mind. Why doesn't Mrs. Topper like
the car? She just plain doesn't like it.
She often just plain doesn't like
things. What kind of talk is that?
She just plain doesn't
like things.
I refuse to say another word. I'm
probably talking to myself anyway.
Well, like that. We find you
fainting all over the place.
We nurse you back to health, and still
you're complaining. I want to go home!
No, Topper, you can't go home.
Besides, George has to change the tire.
And he's very good at
it too. Go ahead, honey.
All right,
I'll change the tire.
But I'll be darned if I'm gonna
waste any ectoplasm doing it.
You see, Toppy, we only have a certain
amount of ectoplasm to use to get visible.
Naturally, we can't waste
it, can we? Of course not, no.
No, I- I wish someone
would wake me up.
Now, now, Toppy,
I won't bite you.
Let's sit over there
by the tree and be comfortable.
We might as well be comfortable while
George works, don't you think so? Come on.
Come on.
You sit there
and I'll relax here.
You know, Toppy, you're
a funny little fellow.
You intrigue me. Why did
you happen to buy our car?
- I bought it because I was mad.
Who at?
- Never mind.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
- Toppy had a fight with Mrs. Toppy.
- I did not!
Come on. Tell the girlfriend
all about it.
- What girlfriend?
- Yours. Me.
Say, you don't mind if I save my energy
and just become nothing for a while, do you?
I don't suppose I do. I don't
know what you're talking about.
Dematerializing. Watch.
It works like a zipper.
Zip!
Marion!
Marion, where are you?
Right here.
What? Oh.
Well, make a noise every
now and then, will you,
so that I'll know
where I'm talking to?
Okay, I'll do this.
Yes, fine.
Now, go on. Tell me
about buying the car.
Oh, well, I- I just
decided I'd buy it, you know.
I had an awful time with it at
first, because I was going along...
and then a great big truck came
along and chased me off the road.
And then I was just getting over
that when a huge bus came along...
and-and chased me off
the side of the hill like-
Hey, watch out!
Oh, I beg your pardon.
Well, then-
then I was going along...
peacefully, you know,
and suddenly-
bam- I was slapped by a-
Just explaining something
to a friend of mine.
Is it my fault
that there's no one here?
Quiet.
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
dd The moss-covered bucket dd
dd That hangs in the well dd
dddd
Hey, Marion!
Come out, come out, wherever
you are. I've got an idea.
When George has an idea, it
is, generally speaking, an idea.
Bring Topper along. We'll go
places. I don't want to go places.
I've been to places, lots
of places. Really, I have.
Oh, but not with us. It's different
when you go places with us.
Bring him along, Marion! We gotta
have him. He's our good deed.
Come on, Toppy.
You drive, George. I'll sit in the
middle. Come on, Topper. Get in.
Don't you think I better drive? It'd look
so crazy to other people if you drive.
Now, come on.
Don't be a mess. Get in.
Close your door, Topper.
Look out!
What's the matter with you?
There was no one driving that car.
Oh, you're crazy. I'm not
crazy. I know what I saw.
The car was driving itself.
If you ask me, so was this one.
All right, I'll prove it for
you. Well, you'll have to!
I wish you'd stop this nonsense
and let yourselves be seen,
or- or let me drive.
Okay.
Slide over.
Now what have you
got to say?
I know when I'm licked.
Where am I taking you?
You're not taking us.
We're taking you.
Marion, it's bad enough just being in
the car with you two the way you are.
Well, the way you aren't.
Where are we going?
Unless you rented it to someone,
we're going to our penthouse.
Heavens! No,
I haven't rented it.
And we can have a drink. George
hasn't had a drink in days.
He looks much better than
he used to, don't you think?
How in heaven's name should
I know? Hey, stop pushing.
Don't push me!
I didn't push you. And if
I did push you, what of it?
Oh, a wise guy, huh?
Like those crazy Kerbys.
Crazy Kerbys, huh?
Wise guy, eh?
I wish you'd do something
about yourselves.
You have no idea how annoying it is to be out
with someone and you don't know where they are.
Okay, my friend,
anything to oblige.
Here we are, Topper. The Kerby Kennel.
Barking, howling and biting permissible.
Come in.
Where's Marion? Gone to her room,
I guess. You know how women are.
When they get home, they like to change
clothes, mess around, blither, blither.
You drink? I did once,
but it wasn't much fun.
Nobody noticed it. It made me dizzy
and I had to keep one eye shut.
Oh, well,
you had the floats.
I like 'em. Make you
feel nice and goofy.
Maybe I do need a drink. Maybe I've needed
a drink all these years and haven't known it.
There we are. Hold it.
Topper, my pet.
Thank you.
Mmm!
My wife objects to drinking.
Then she shouldn't drink.
She doesn't.
- Then what's her objections?
- If my wife were to walk in here right now,
I'd have to speak to her very sharply
in order to keep her from making a row.
Speak to her? Yes, I've
- I've never beaten her.
Not yet, I haven't.
Oh.
Open the other bottle.
Crazy Kerbys, eh?
Plush pup!
Thanks, George.
Mm-hmm.
Do- Do you feel
like dancing?
Do I feel like what?
Oh.
You know what I mean. Dancing and singing and
- Say that again.
Well, George,
dancing, singing.
dd Tra-la-la, tra-la-la With a
hey, nonny-nonny and a whoo- dddd
Relax, Topper, relax. Take
a drink. Stop fidgeting.
Oh.
Do you mind if I just sat here
and sort of sneak a little dance...
with my feet?
Cut it out.
Cut it out, will ya?
What if I just sat quietly here
and-and felt like dancing?
That'd be all right,
wouldn't it?
Look, what is this
dancing complex?
Look here,
would you mind if
I just got up and danced...
a roundabout...
on my tiptoes?
All right-
All right, if you must.
Go ahead, but take it easy.
dddd
Toppy, I think you got something
there. Hit it. Truck on down, Toppy.
Now that's how I dance.
How do you like it?
Yes, I thought
that was pretty bad.
I'm glad you like
my dancing, George.
I think I could learn how
to live after all, you know.
I can drink, all right.
And I can dance fine.
Now, about singing, hmm.
Let's sing a little, huh?
Yes, that's a good idea.
Let's sing.
Uh-huh.
Oh, there she is, George.
Where?
Topper, you look
like an owl.
Come here, George.
Huh?
I'm afraid I must ask you to request
your wife not to talk about me anymore.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Use your influence.
If you haven't any,
beat her.
Come on down, Marion.
All right.
Alley!
Oop.
dd Ta-rah dddd
Topper, you did that
on purpose. Nice going.
I'm dreadfully sorry.
I forgive you, Topper.
Nice forgiving too.
Can we dance now? Why, certainly.
That's what I got off my perch for.
dd Oh, the moss-covered- dd
d
dd Hangs in the well ddd
It's a fine thing,
trying to steal my wife, eh?
Why, I wouldn't think of such a thing, I
- I don't think.
Ah, Topper,
I'm disappointed in you.
Say, if I'm in the way, you
folks can leave. Oh, not at all.
Mighty nice of you to let me
stay around. What's biting you?
You're not getting
jealous, are you?
N- No. No, just
getting careful.
Say, listen.
What?
All I'm trying to do is to
complete our little experiment.
Yes, well, I don't know if I
like it. Well, that's too bad.
Grab a look at
your little experiment now.
We're not really being
very fair to him.
I don't think he knows
how to drink.
But he only had
a couple glasses of wine.
But I don't think he's ever
had a drink in his life.
Poor Topper.
Poor Topper.
Poor Topper.
You keep out of this.
Say, George, you know something? What?
I think fate sent him to us. I think
we ought to send him right back.
Oh, no. He looks like our
last chance at a good deed.
That's how he looks to you.
Well, look at him.
His whole soul is crying out
for self-expression.
Is that so?
Is that the way a soul looks when
it's crying out for self-expression?
Maybe. Maybe Topper's soul. Anyway, all
he needs is a little encouragement from us.
If you really wanna do him a good deed, get
him some bromo while I go change my clothes.
Hold down the fort, honey,
while I dissolve into a suit.
George, where is it?
Huh? Where's what?
Where?
Where what?
The bromo, you know.
Well, then give him some.
Then he'll just have
to have aspirin instead.
Oh, never mind. Let it go.
I'll be down in a minute.
Hmm, it moved.
We're fresh out of bromo.
Then put on your bonnet. We'll go
down to the drugstore and get him some.
Come on, Topper. Mm-hmm.
Dear, dear. Marion, come and
hold him here while I get my hat.
All right.
Oh, George, quick!
Trying to get away, huh?
Come on, Topper. Don't
drop him or he'll splash.
Now, now, Toppy, relax,
relax. Take it easy.
There he goes again.
Upsa-daisy, Toppy.
Say, George. We can't go
down the lobby like this.
We'll cause a riot. Fade.
Okay.
Don't teeter, Topper.
For heaven's sake! What's
the matter with that man?
Why- Why-
Why doesn't he fall?
What's the idea
of stealing my elevator?
We haven't got
your elevator, silly.
Huh?
I never wear them.
What do you mean by insulting
a guest? Well, he was-
You're fired!
Thank you, Toppy.
I've got a beehive in my
stomach, but don't mention it.
There's the bud now. Ask him what
make she is. Yeah, she's a beaut.
So that's the babe you've been talking
about. She'd be a cinch to handle.
No gentlemen would talk about a lady
like that, and I demand an apology.
You gonna... apologize?
Ah, you're daffy.
Why, you!
Let's go, Marion!
Get in.
Hey, there's the little
creep now! Get him!
What's going on here?
One at a time.
One at a time!
Now, who hit who?
He hit us!
Oh, he hit us?
Yeah!
One man attacking the whole
gang? The other two helped him.
What other two? Where
are they? In there.
Now don't try to be funny!
You, what happened?
That's right, Officer. He started
it, then his two friends jumped in.
What two friends? Where
are they? They got in there.
Then the other two jumped out of the
car and started slugging me from behind!
Hold on now.
Wait a minute!
Now then, what other two?
Holy cats! They're gone!
All right, all right!
Now look, mister, maybe you
can tell me what happened.
Me?
Yeah.
I wanna sing.
This one wants to sing.
All right, Danny. Come on.
Let's take 'em all in.
Sit down there.
People v. Cosmo Topper.
Say, were you guys in the same
fight with him? I'll say we were.
Who is he? He's a big-shot
banker from Wall Street.
What'd he do? For no reason, he
hangs a haymaker on Eddie's kisser.
A charge of being drunk and disorderly,
attacking a peaceful citizen...
and inciting a riot.
I'll tidy you up a little.
Brush him off, George,
while I fix his hanky. Okay.
There are four serious-
Just a nervous eccentricity, Your Honor.
It sometimes gets the better of me.
There are four serious
charges here, Mr. Topper.
I presume you wish to plead not
guilty and tell your side of the story.
On the contrary, Your Honor, I wish
to plead guilty and get it over with.
Well, in that case, you leave me no
alternative except to fine you $100.
Why, that's outrageous!
- What's that?
I- I said,
where do you pay us?
I mean,
where do you pay it?
Right there. Next case.
But the dame, wow! A dame? What
did she look like? Who is she?
A burlesque queen or something.
Swell-lookin' doll, but plenty tough.
Next case.
All right, boys,
out of the way.
Is everything
all right, Wilkins?
I should say, sir, though it's not my
place, that everything is quite all wrong.
In fact, I might even go so far as to add
that you have become a legend before your time.
Has-Has Mrs. Topper
heard about last night?
Mrs. Topper, sir,
has read about last night.
It's four minutes past 8:00.
I know, I know. We dress now.
Good morning, dear.
Good morning, Cosmo.
I'm late.
Your egg, sir.
Oh.
Your toast, sir.
Well, I- I mean, go on.
Let's get it over.
Cosmo, I've been
a good wife to you.
I've helped you climb to
the top in the business world...
and I certainly
raised you socially.
I married you
for better or for worse.
And if you see fit to drag
yourself and me in the gutter-
Oh, Clara, please.
Of course, you realize we'll have to
face the world without any friends.
No one with any self-respect will
ever cross our threshold again.
And you had to pick
this particular time too.
Well, I- I don't understand
just what you mean...
about "this particular
time," Marion.
I had every good reason to
believe that the Stuyvesants...
were going to ask us
to their next big party.
The Stuyvesants.
Oh, of course.
Yes, I know you
- you wanted to be asked there for years.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don't be sorry, Cosmo.
What's done is done.
And I will do my part...
to save what little I can from
the wreck you've made of our lives.
- 8:42, sir.
- Oh. Oh, dear.
Yes, madam?
Is Mrs. Topper home?
Who shall I say is calling?
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.
Mrs. Ruther-
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant? Oh.
Come in, madam.
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant calling,
madam. Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant!
Oh, good gracious, Wilkins,
you must be mistaken.
No, madam. Shall I-
Oh, yes, of course.
Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.
Well, so you're Mrs. Topper.
I just dropped in to ask you and that
delicious husband of yours to come to dinner...
next Friday night
before our little dance.
Why, we- Why, I-
Oh, I do owe you an apology. I
should have called on you years ago,
but I didn't know whether you
would approve of our little crowd.
Approve? Oh, my dear.
Well, you see, I understood you
like to lead a quiet, simple life.
But after reading about Mr.
Topper's delightful escapade-
Mrs. Goodrich
and Mrs. Simpkins.
Well.
Hello, Grace.
I saw your car outside
and thought I'd just pop in.
We've been so anxious to meet you. I'm
sure we must have a great deal in common.
Thank you. I'm sure.
How do you do?
What a divine life our Mrs. Topper must
live. She must have a thrill a minute.
Living with Mr. Topper must
be like dancing on dynamite.
My goodness. That's not
a very good picture of him.
Well, bless my blond heart.
I never expected Mousy to break
out in this kind of a heat wave.
Could, uh,
I borrow your lipstick?
Sure.
Thank you.
Oh.
Dreaming it up, huh?
Good morning, Mr. Topper.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
No. Uh, yes, I meant.
Good morning, Mr. Topper.
Good morning.
Good morning!
Good morning.
Well, good morning, Mr.
Topper. Good morning.
What's the matter with you,
Miss Johnson? Stop gaping at me.
I'm not a monster,
in spite of the papers.
What's the matter with everybody?
Respectable bankers like J.D.,
who oughta frown on me, slapped me on
the back and asked me if she has a friend.
I- I can't understand it.
Take a letter, please.
Mr. Wilson P. Hemmingway,
Buffalo, New York.
Dear sir,
Your collateral is satisfactory,
and this corporation is prepared
to finance your proposition 100%.
It will of course be necessary for
you to deposit the bonds with us.
Stop goggling, Miss Johnson.
To resume.
I would suggest that
you come to New York...
at your earliest convenience.
Really, Miss Johnson. You seem
to be staring at my hat...
as though you thought there was
something dreadful the matter with it.
I do. Yes, well, then I think
perhaps you better take the day off...
and do whatever you do do
on your day off.
Perhaps I'd better had.
Yes.
All right, George, you win.
But I - I do think you might
show a little respect for the bank.
Don't push me!
Where are you?
What-
Marion wants a soda.
Oh.
So it's you, Marion.
After all the things
you've done to me,
you want me to buy you a
soda? Mm-hmm. A chocolate one.
Don't you understand that
this is my private office?
But all I want is a chocolate soda
with some vanilla ice cream in it.
Why doesn't George buy you
one? 'Cause he's wandered off.
Besides,
he doesn't like sodas.
And, Toppy,
I'm lonely anyway.
Haven't you any friends?
None that I like
as well as you.
Don't you do that again,
ever!
Supposing George were
watching us. But he isn't.
Well, how do I know he's not? You'll
just have to take my word for it.
Now stop being difficult.
Come on.
Here's your hat and here's your
stick. Here are your gloves.
Marion wants a nice-
I know.
You want a chocolate soda with
vanilla ice cream. Mm-hmm. Do I get it?
Not for a million dollars.
Oh, so you're gonna be mean?
All right. I can be just
as stubborn as you are.
I won't budge from here.
I know what I'll do.
I'll- I'll scream.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I, though?
Help! Stop it! I'll do anything
you like, but don't do that.
All right, then. Come
on. Shut that door.
You can't go out like that. What
will the people in the office think?
Well, supposing
I go out like this?
All right, go on.
Why, shame on you,
biting little children.
What's going on here?
Oh!
I wanna stop here.
Don't do that, Marion.
You nearly wrecked us.
I'll be out before
you can say "Jack Robinson. "
Only don't say it
for a few minutes.
Don't talk.
Someone will hear you.
Don't look now, Toppy, but there's
some lip rouge on your cheek.
Huh? Oh, yes.
This is delightful.
You wait here
and I'll go and investigate.
Marion, wh-what are you
up to now?
Here I am, Toppy.
Oh!
Marion, you-you promised to be
good, and... now look at you.
- Don't you dare go away
without me.
Why, I didn't see
anything unusual, no.
Well, maybe it was the
wind. Maybe you're right.
Cosmo?
Come right in here.
For heaven's sake, what are you
doing home at this time of day?
I ran away. I
- I mean, I thought it would be nice...
to feel how it would be to be
here during the daytime, you know.
I really can't understand
these women. They-
But, really. But women like Mrs.
Stuyvesant and Mrs. Goodrich.
Never before have they
- You can forget it if you wanted to.
And if you really cared for me, there are a
whole lot of things you could forget about.
Forget? What do you mean, forget? Yes.
Well, I know that the newspaper
said awful things about me,
but, you know, I'm not
that sort of a man, really.
I'm- I'm just
an old faithful dog.
That's all.
Uh-oh.
Old faithful dog?
Cosmo, I can't stand here and let
you flaunt your infidelity in my face.
But, Clara
- Don't speak. Don't try to explain.
It's all perfectly clear. But-But-But
I bought them for you as a surprise.
A surprise?
It's a shock!
No one - No one but a horrid woman
would wear a thing like this.
Oh, Cosmo!
Clara,
I'm so terribly sorry...
about those-
about those things.
I- Please let me in,
darling, won't you?
Go away.
Go away,
wicked old man.
I beg your pardon, sir, but
are we packing? I'mpacking.
Are we going away, sir?
I'mgoing away.
Can't you even look
like a human being?
I don't know, sir. I've never
tried. Well, you'd better try.
Now, sir?
Why not?
No. Better go back to the
old way, I think. Yes, sir.
And when shall I say
you'll be back, sir?
Say, "I don't know. " I don't know
where I'm going. I don't know where I am.
I don't know anything. Say anything
that pops into your fat, stupid head.
And lo, the worm turns.
Ah, well.
I thought perhaps
a cup of tea would help.
That's very kind of you. I
don't want any tea, Wilkins.
And I won't be down
for dinner.
I- I couldn't bear
the thought of facing him.
That won't be necessary, madam.
Mr. Topper has gone.
Gone? Gone where?
He didn't know.
He didn't know?
But that's ridiculous. Nobody can go
away and not know where they've gone.
Nobody can.
Wilkins, after all these years,
are you trying to be funny?
No, madam. Mr. Topper
went with a suitcase...
in the contraption.
He's left me.
I'll never see him again.
Oh, no, madam.
He'll come back.
If you'll pardon the liberty,
madam, he'll come back...
just to find out whether you've
missed him or not whilst he was away.
They always do.
Of course I'll miss him.
But he mustn't know that,
madam.
What difference does it make?
Even if he does come back,
I can never
hope to hold him.
That woman- He-
He doesn't want me anymore.
He- He wants these.
Did you say he wanted
those, madam? Yes, I-I did.
Then why not let him
have them? I don't-
I don't mean
just these things.
I mean-
Oh, Wilkins.
He's mad about
the sort of creature who-
the sort of woman
who wears these things.
But, my dear, dear madam,
might I suggest that...
you could so easily be the alluring
sort of woman who wears those?
Oh, confound it, madam. I still say if
he wants the pants, let him have them.
Oh! Wilkins!
How dare you-
Wilk-
Have a bite, Toppy.
Marion!
That's for
running away from me.
I'm mad at you. Well, why don't
you go away? Leave me alone.
Oh, I'm not that mad. But I ask
you, do you think it was very nice...
to run away from me?
Oh, don't let's talk about it
anymore. I've had enough of it.
I've had enough
of everything.
Oh, Toppy,
don't be mad at me.
Where are we going? I
don't know. I've left home.
Doesn't matter where I go.
Oh!
Then I'll tell you
what let's do.
Let's go to the Sea Breeze
Hotel. It's right on this road.
Is it?
Mm-hmm.
We can swim and play
and dance every night.
There's a wonderful orchestra
there. Oh, it'll be fun.
Swim and play
and dance every night, eh?
I bet it would-
What am I talking about?
I'm a married man. I can't
go gallivanting off with a-
Oh, Toppy,
you'll be fine.
Well, we won't go.
Look here, Marion, if you're
here I'm gonna be very angry.
In fact, I am angry now. I won't
have you upsetting me all the time.
Of course I'm here. You didn't
suppose I'd leave my Toppy, did you?
Be careful.
Here comes the bellboy.
Take this bag, will you?
Why are you staring at me like-like-
like something? I don't know.
Aren't you the guy
that cost me my last job?
Never saw you before
in my life.
Hey, did you notice something
funny about that guy?
That guy ain't funny.
He ain't even human.
Then I'll take charge
of this.
Call for Miss White, please.
Calling Miss White.
How do you do?
We have a nice room
on the third floor.
Third floor. That'll do very
nicely, thank you. Any floor.
Take this gentleman to
314. Yes, sir. This way.
Did you see what I saw?
Did I see what, Sherlock?
Nothin'.
Are you always this anxious
at getting a hotel room?
I have a reason for being anxious
to get into this room in a hurry.
Well, I have a reason to get
out of this room in a hurry.
Come on. Let me out. Go on.
Here.
Wait a minute.
Here. Here. Go on. Get
out. I wanna shut the door.
What's wrong with you?
Between you and that guy
in 314,
you'll excuse me
if I go nuts.
Marion. Marion, oh,
I do hope it isn't you.
What did you say? I can't
hear with this water running.
I said come out
from under my shower!
No use. I can't understand
a word you're saying.
Stop it, Marion.
We're being watched.
I wish you'd fly out a window
and leave me alone.
Oh, Marion, confound it.
Use your common sense.
I've already used
my common sense.
I've ordered cocktails.
And you'd better jump in the
shower and get yourself pretty.
I wouldn't change my tie
with you in the room.
Oh, Toppy, don't worry about me.
Get into your dinner clothes.
You're not dressed, are
you? Yes, I am dressed.
Well, get so
that I can see you,
so that I can
keep track of you.
How's this?
You didn't have this on
under the shower, did you?
No. But I just decided to
be dressed, and here I am.
Now you get dressed,
and hurry up. All right.
You sit here
where I can see you.
And what am I supposed
to do, twiddle my thumbs?
Mr. Topper home? Mr.
Topper's not at home, sir.
Are you sure?
Am I sure?
Why, certainly, I'm sure, sir.
Why shouldn't I be sure?
I just wondered. You look to me like
the kind of fellow who might not be sure.
Mr. Topper is not at home,
sir. That's what I said.
Wilkins, what is the matter?
Oh.
Mrs. Topper?
Mrs. Topper, where's that
mouse of a husband of yours?
Mouse? Shall I eject this person, madam?
Yes.
Well, no.
Uh, listen, smiley,
you stay out of this.
Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for
that goofy husband of yours.
I beg your pardon, sir, but I must
ask you to be a little more careful...
with your language
in front of Mrs. Topper.
Otherwise, I shall
put the slug on you.
No, no. Don't be athletic.
Where's your husband?
Where's your husband,
Mrs. Topper?
I don't know.
Mr. Topper's gone away.
Yes, well, that's just what
I thought. What do you mean?
Mrs. Topper,
I'm looking for my wife,
and I've got a certain sneaking
suspicion that if I find Topper,
I'm gonna find her too! You
mean she might be with Cosmo?
Yes, well, it's just possible.
Listen, have you got a slug of scotch?
'Cause I've got the jitters. I'm sorry, but
we've never had any stimulants in the house.
That's a fine thing. Why don't you have
a snort in the house for the poor man,
instead of lamb on Sunday, stew
on Monday, beef on Wednesday?
Why don't you go out dancing with him
occasionally? Then he wouldn't have left you.
I suppose you're right. Well,
it's too late now. Oh, dear.
Please go, sir. You're
breaking the madam's heart.
Yeah. Well, if I find
Topper, I'll break his neck.
And believe me, I'll find him! Oh!
He's very handsome, isn't he?
Mrs. Topper!
Get me an aspirin.
Why, of course.
Wilkins, I'm not supposed
to be the butler. You are.
So I am.
I'll get the aspirin myself.
Come in.
Marion, get out of here. Quick.
Someone's coming. That's right.
Come in.
What are you gaping at?
C- Can I hear you say
"Come in" again?
Don't be impertinent.
Put those things down there.
Well, hurry up. Hurry up. Oh, get out!
Can't you look where
I'm going? Yes, sir.
So what's eatin' you?
The next time I go to 314,
I'm not going.
314?
Yeah, the guy's spooky.
I just brought him four cocktails.
Four cocktails at one time?
For one guy? Well,
one guy and two voices.
What do you mean, two voices? Well,
first he goes way down low like this.
Then he talks way up high
like a dame. Talks way up-
Talks way up high like a dame? Well,
get downstairs and get the manager.
Get him up here right away.
He don't need a manager.
He needs a straitjacket.
Hurry up.
Well?
Don't scare me like that.
You know I'm a bundle of
nerves when I'm on duty.
You sent for me, Casey. Yes, and
I'm glad you finally got here.
Why? What's wrong?
Hey, you see, the guy-
Quiet.
I'm in charge here.
Don't you understand?
He's got a woman in there,
and she's not registered.
I'll attend to this.
- Shh! Who is it? - I'm the hotel manager.
Please open this door at once.
Vanish.
Shh.
I'm sorry, sir,
but I shall have to ask you...
and, uh, the lady
to give up your room.
The lady?
What lady?
What lady? Perhaps you can
explain the red on this cigarette.
Yes. I cut my tongue
when I was shaving this morning.
Hmm. Cut your tongue?
Mm-hmm.
Listen, don't try to kid us. There's
a woman in here. We heard her.
Mm-hmm.
She's gone.
Casey, you're a fool.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Topper, to
have caused you this embarrassment.
I- I hope you'll accept
my apology.
Oh, but think nothing of it. Promise
me you'll think nothing of it.
You have no idea how badly I should
feel if you didn't promise me...
you were going to think nothing
of it. Well, I am sorry. I-
I hope you'll accept
my humble apology.
Why, it's a deal.
I guess I'm sorry too.
Cuckoo!
Uh, m-me too. Get out
of here, you moron.
House detective, eh?
A fine hash
you've made of things.
Now don't tell me that
you hear two people laughing.
Another mistake like this
and you'll be fired.
Now, watch yourself.
Come on, Toppy.
I'm hungry.
Let's go down to dinner. On an empty
stomach? I want some more pink ladies.
I'll get you some more
pink ladies. Come on.
It's a good thing no one
saw us coming out of my room.
Why, Toppy,
I think we look lovely.
We're the best dressed
couple in this hallway.
Well, let's- let's pretend
we're not together.
dddd
Thank you, Toppy.
Mm-hmm.
You know, Marion,
you're positively beautiful.
Yes, I might almost say
you were gorgeous.
Mmm.
I will say it.
You are gorgeous.
I think you're
gorgeous too, darling.
Oh, captain, bring the wine
list. We don't want a wine list.
No? We want a flock more of pink ladies.
That's right.
Bring a lot of pink ladies.
And go on bringing them,
on and on. Yes, sir.
Yeah! dd Old Man Moon Wake up now dd
dd 'Cause I've fallen
in love dd
Yeah!
dd Go spread the news dd
dd To all the stars above dd
dd Shine for my baby
while we're dancin' tonight dd
dddd
I wanna dance.
I thought we wanted to drink. Mm-hmm.
I do. I wanna drink,
I wanna dance, I wanna sing.
I wanna-
I wanna have fun.
Whee! Whoo-hoo! Come on! Let's dance.
dd And if it's possible dd
dd Keep shinin' till noon dd
dd My sincerest thanks
to you, sir dd
dd Old Man Moon dd
dddd
My, this is fun. Well, I'm
glad one of us is enjoying it.
Oh, I say, huh? Oh, no. Don't
listen to me. I really like it a lot.
And I like you a lot. Toppy,
are you falling in love with me?
I tell you, I'm just
that way about you.
Just that way
about my wife, huh?
Listen, Marion, what did you mean
by that remark on the telephone?
"We're not married anymore. "
Come here. I want to talk to you.
Hey, listen, what are you
so burned up about?
What about you
up in Westchester?
Don't change the subject. What
did you mean by that remark?
You'll pardon us, but this is just
an old family after-dinner custom.
Now, listen, Marion - Oh, George, you're
ruining our good evening.
Here. Have a pink lady.
Oh, I've had a pink lady.
And to places with a good deed. I'd
rather have you. Of course, of course.
You stay out of this. Never mind,
Toppy. I'll meet you in the lobby.
What's wrong here? You are. Take a walk.
You can't talk that way to me. Shut up!
She's right.
That's enough out of you.
See here, young la-
Where did she go to?
Never mind.
You stay here like a good little
pelican, and I'll find her.
Hey, where are you?
Where'd you go to? Where
are ya, either one of ya?
Why don't you watch what you're
doing! I didn't do anything.
Well, then watch yourself. Well,
I've got enough to worry about.
What happened? I-
Stop pushing me! I'll not stop
pushing you because I didn't push you!
Ohh! Topper, you're going home
to your wife where you belong.
George, I won't be ordered
about. You're going home!
I am not.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, you naughty boy,
to tickle me like that.
What?
Well, my husband
will put a stop to this.
I wish he would, really.
Where are you going?
I quit.
That guy from 314
is too much for me.
Don't be silly. I'll have this rumpus
straightened out before I can bat an eye.
You just stand here
and bat your eyes.
I'm going out and get a nice
quiet job in a nut factory.
Sit down, Topper.
I wanna talk to you.
I won't sit down!
Oh, yes, you will.
No, I will not.
Something a little odd about
this hotel, don't you think?
I'm having a little chair trouble,
but you pay no attention to it.
I'm, uh- I'm reading.
Where's Casey? I don't know.
He wouldn't be any help anyway.
Well, you go call the police
before the whole hotel's wrecked.
George. George,
this can't go on.
It's gotta stop.
George.
I beg your pardon.
Did you drop this?
Oh!
Why, you-
you witch, you!
Casey, get that wild man to my office
before we lose every guest in the house.
Right. I'll show him
who he thinks we are.
The manager wants to see you
instantaneously.
I don't wanna see him. Now, don't evade
the question. You're gonna see him anyhow.
George? George.
George!
Uh-huh.
I've been looking for you.
What do you say we make up? Okay, hon.
Hey, you know, this is
the best fight we ever had.
But look at poor Toppy. We've
gotta do something about him.
It's practically done.
Get his bag in the car.
All right, darling.
Oh!
What are you doing?
Stop it!
You're hurting Rollo!
Take this sack of bones
off of me!
Won't somebody help me, please? So you're
the guy that caused all this trouble, huh?
I'm the house detective.
I'm in charge here.
Come on. Get up.
Here, hold this while
I go for the cuffs.
Eh, what is this?
It's a dog.
Are you trying to make a
sap out of me? It's too late.
Who said that?
Did you say that?
Of course not.
That's what's wrong here.
There's a phantom something or
someone who's wrecking this hotel.
And I want him caught!
A phantom?
Who you trying to kid?
All right, men,
surround it!
Surround who?
Who's giving orders here?
You folks watch the door.
Come on, men. Follow me.
All right, men, line up.
We'll rake the room.
Quiet!
Ooh-ga-boo!
Steady, men.
We're closing in on him.
Bread and butter.
Ba-boom! Happy New Year!
There he is!
Ooh! Get off!
Up. Get up!
A fine bunch of cops
you are.
I had that guy right where he
wanted me, till you crossed him up.
He's gone!
He's gone!
Sergeant, he's gone. He got into
the automobile and drove away,
but nobody was driving it.
Oh, there must be an easier
way to make a livin' than this.
Stop squirming, Topper.
What's the matter with you?
I can't help it.
Look at that speedometer.
What are you two trying to do,
make me like you?
Can't help it, old boy.
I'm scared stiff!
Where are we going?
I'm sorry, Topper.
I don't know.
All I know is I've gotta
go there, fast! Slow down!
Please slow down!
I said you'd ruin me,
and you have.
Now you've done it.
George, Marion,
where are you? Oh.
A fine thing.
Here we are again.
Hmph. Once more around that
curve, I won't have a hat left.
Look at Topper.
Hmm?
Now look here, you two.
But look at me.
I'm just like you now.
Keep your garters on, Toppy.
You'll be all right. You're
just a little unconscious.
Ah, yeah. You're much
too solid, Topper.
I don't think you've become
a member of our club yet.
Well, I won't go back.
I won't do it. Why not?
You won't do what? I won't go
back to that silly old routine.
Up at 8:00, bed at 11:00.
Lamb on Sundays. I won't do it!
Oh, Topper, don't be foolish.
They won't make you do that again.
I'd rather stay here
with you and Marion,
even though it is like living
on the top of a volcano.
But, Topper, you've gotta go back. You
don't know how much it means to her.
No, I won't. Topper, you've
gotta go back! Don't you see-
George! Trumpets!
No, no, it isn't trumpets. It's
an ambulance! Get back, Topper!
No, I don't wanna go.
Well, if I've got to go,
I've got to go.
But I'll get up when I feel like it
in the morning and I'll have some fun.
Where were we?
You've had an accident, but you're safe
at home and you're going to be all right.
Where's-Where's Marion?
I'll call Mrs. Topper right
away. No, not Mrs. Topper.
Marion.
Who's Marion?
Oh. Mm-hmm.
She's probably someone I dreamed
about when I was in the ether.
But you didn't have any
ether. Oh, yes, I did.
You'd be surprised.
Your wife is very anxious to see
you. Do you feel able to talk to her?
You would bring that up.
I'm all right.
Go ahead and call her.
Might as well
get it over with.
Mr. Topper is conscious
and wishes to see you.
- Is he really all right?
- He's perfectly fine.
Oh!
Madam?
Why, Wilkins!
Mmm.
dd
dd The old oaken bucket
dd The iron-bound bucket dd
dd The moss-covered bucket
that hangs- dddd
See? Since I quit drinking,
no more jitters.
Well, I wish you'd sit down.
You give me the jitters.
What in the world are you
trying to do anyway? Shh!
Quiet. I'm practicing
to be an angel.
Some angel you'll make.
Hmm!
Nice retorting.
Well, I'm still your little
angel, aren't I, honey?
Oh, stop it.
Well, aren't I?
Of course you are.
But don't say "Aren't I."
Okay, pet.
Ain't I?
Say, I do hope Mrs. Topper
doesn't gum up our good deed.
Well, we'll know
in a minute.
Oh, darling. I was so afraid
I was going to lose you.
Oh, you can't lose a bad
penny like me, you know.
You're not a bad penny. You're just
the dearest, sweetest husband...
a woman ever had.
Darling, you amaze me.
You look so differently,
and you-
you act so differently.
I am different. And I've
been praying you'd come back,
so I could prove it.
Will you promise not to laugh
if I show you something?
I promise.
I'm-I'm too astonished
to laugh.
You do understand,
don't you?
Oh, darling, I understand.
Why... I love you.
Cosmo.
But I wonder if you knew
everything. If you knew-
I don't want to know anything. I'm just
going to love you, and never question.
So long, Toppy.
We're on our way.
We won't be seeing you
anymore, Toppy. So long.
What was that?
I thought I heard voices.
No. Remember, darling,
love me and never question.
Bless our happy home.