Tracey Ullman in the Trailer Tales (2003) Movie Script
1
Morning.
All right.
All right.
Stretching it out, up we come.
In a circle, and around, in a circle,
and around.
Well, that's enough of that.
Cigarette.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yeah?
Is that your car out there?
- What, the Pontiac?
- Yeah.
Relax, Ruby Romaine,
make-up. Okay?
You can't park there.
make-up parks in the structure.
No...
I'm not a structure person.
No, I got a bum hip, see?
It's still shapely,
but it clicks a little. Yeah.
- You hear that? You hear it?
- Yeah. I hear it.
You hear the clicking?
It's not. It doesn't hurt me.
You can just, you know,
hear it. Yeah.
That's good.
This is my first day, though.
- And I have work...
- You're a trainee?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. What's your name, Cupcake?
Adam Greenstein.
Just in time, because this business
was running low on Jews.
Hey, you have a little acne
still there, Baby.
Want me to cover that up?
That's going to dry it right up.
Go over to Kraft service for me
and get me some coffee, would you?
- All right, but we have to get back.
- Okay. I understand. Sure.
Ruby!
- There she is! Honey, come here!
- Hi, Ruby! Hello, Honey.
- Thank God.
- You look great!
You look great, too! Just the same.
Look at ya.
You look a little different there,
but otherwise...
I had the puppies. Sit down.
Take a seat.
- Okay, Honey.
- Take the weight off.
- God, Honey...
- What are we doing today?
- Yeah, well...
- We are doing...
Let me get my coffee, Honey.
We're doing...
the Funny Ladies of Film
and TV of the 21st Century.
So you want to look like, Debbie
Reynolds, right? Yeah.
- I think that'll do it.
- Yeah.
They're going to want me
to talk a lot...
and they're going to run those old
movie clips, you know?
I can't get enough of those.
Yeah, what?
Can we get a guesstimate
on Miss Reynolds?
I just got started
and here Pee-Wee, I mean...
Yeah, tell Mr. Schlatter,
does he want it done fast...
or he wants it done right?
You know?
Why don't you tell him
yourself, Ruby?
- Hi, Mr. Schlatter! There he is.
- Hi, George. My favorite producer.
Debbie, you look gorgeous.
- Times stood still. It's 1957.
- Sure.
You look like you just
when you did "Tammy".
Can it, George. Can it.
That's the end of that.
- Do I need any make-up?
- You nut, George.
- Okay, good.
- But, hey...
you might want to take
a look at that mole.
It looks a little cancer-y. You know?
Cancer-y?
Yeah, well, you know, it's probably
the good kind of cancer, right?
The type you can just pick out
with your fingernail.
- That's the treatment for it?
- Yeah, don't fear for your life.
- I feel better now. Thanks.
- Yeah.
Now...
- We've got...
- What?
We've got Phyllis Diller
and Rose Marie...
arriving in 10 minutes.
Should I send them in?
Well, Miss Diller arrives
with her hair in a bag.
Bring it in so the hairdresser
can get started on it, okay?
This kid will never tell them.
- He's an idiot.
- No, he'll never hear you anyway.
He can't hear anything
inside of here.
So, your still doing your concerts
here, there, and everywhere, Debbie?
Yeah, I am. I'm on a tour.
You know, I was just out in Cheyenne.
It was beau...
You know, I can't really remember.
They all look alike on the bus,
but audiences are wonderful.
You know, they really appreciate
everything.
- Yeah, the older people, sure.
- I can't Imagine ever retiring.
- I don't want to retire.
- No, not you.
You're like the Energizer bunny.
Right?
- You just keep going and going.
- Hip-hop.
Well, it's so much fun.
Anyway, you don't want to retire.
- What would you do?
- Ya. I retired for about a half day.
- You did?
- Yeah.
My boyfriend told me, he says,
You could make as much off...
your pension sitting on your butt
all day as you could working.
So, Debbie, let me tell ya,
it's the worst mistake I ever made.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They threw me
a pretty good party, though.
- Yeah, had a nice party.
- Well, you deserve it.
You spent a fortune with the party.
Sweetheart, you only retire once,
Ruby.
Yeah, accept for Sinatra.
That son of a bitch
made a career out of it!
Come on, Garland, you never forgave
Frank for calling you a big fat fag.
- And that's the truth.
- Ruby.
It's not what he said,
it's the way he said it.
Now, Jane Wyman,
she used to call me...
That fat, cologne soaked
costuming queer.
But she said it cute.
Frank said it mean, disrespectful.
It was like the way he talked
to Joey Bishop.
I'd like to propose a toast to Ruby.
That's me!
I hope you don't mind
we ordered a bottle of champagne!
I mind so much, Judy,
I might just kiss ya!
Hey!
Hey, right, Dean.
I'm not no lesbian.
Damn, there goes my three-way.
- Deans so supportive.
- All right, hold your glasses up.
To Ruby on the eve of her retirement.
May she never have to make
anybody beautiful...
but herself for the rest of her life.
- To Ruby!
- To Ruby!
- To Ruby!
- To me!
Dean, that was a beautiful speech.
I got to tell ya. Wasn't that pretty?
- You say wonderful things.
- Thank you.
That is...
- Honestly, that was beautiful.
- Rube!
- What?
- Isn't that Wally Weslin?
You certainly bring out
the big danes tonight, Honey!
- Wally! What a guy! Wally!
- Ruby!
How could you retire
and do this to me?
I don't know what Local 706
is going to do without her.
Wally, you'll survive.
- Hey Dean, get a seat for Wally.
- Sure.
- Come on, Wally. No, sit down?
- No need.
I'm escorting Dan Dorrier's widow
to a retinitis pigmentosis shindig.
But I have a little something
for you.
- What?
- Rog.
You all know my photographer,
Rog Monroe.
- Hi, Rog. Hello!
- Hi, Rog! Yeah, I remember you.
- Look at this!
- Yeah.
Ruby, on behalf of the Make-up
and Hair at your Local 706...
I'd like to present you
with this plaque.
To Ruby Romaine for your many years
of loyal service.
To your craft, by which we have
all been ennobled.
Hell...
- Say cheese!
- Cheese!
Hell, you still got the best caboose
in the business, Ruby!
And your ta-ta's ain't too bad,
either!
Wally! You still got
that Weslin charm.
Hey, barkeep! I want to buy
a round for everybody at this party!
That's wonderful. Thanks, Honey.
- Now, Rube.
- Yeah?
Now, you be sure to call me
if ever you need anything.
And one more time, you know,
just for old times sake?
I'm going to wet myself!
Wally, you've got to stop!
Okay! I'll see ya all later!
Yeah, see ya later!
God bless you, Wally!
- Ain't that beautiful?
- Yeah, are they all right?
My goodness, when he does
that motorboat, I tell ya...
I thought I'd wet myself.
What's a motorboat?
What is a motorboat?
- You don't know what a motorboat is?
- No, well...
Lynn. This is Lynn,
the hairdresser.
- Hi, Deb.
- You remember Debbie.
- Lynn, you know what a motorboat is.
- Sure.
Yeah, you know,
it's when a fella goes like this...
In your boobs. It's a motorboat.
I never heard it called that.
Thanks, Lynn, for lending me
your body there, Lynn.
My pleasure.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- That was very nice.
- So, anyhow, 10 minutes after...
I get this plaque.
Yeah?
Judy Undermeyer takes a look
at my portfolio.
- You know Judy Undermeyer?
- Brain, big brain.
- No, I don't remember her.
- She's real smart.
If she'd had been a man,
she would a really been something.
And she takes a look at my 401K.
Who runs your pension fund?
I mean a monkey could make better
choices and better investments.
You got National Airlines, Enron,
Time Warner, Napster...
You got Arthur Anderson. Jesus!
Ruby, you'll be lucky
you got 700 bucks a month.
What? I can't live on 700 a month.
Yeah, well, you're lucky
you got that, I'll tell ya.
- Why?
- Because you diversified...
into Krispy Kreme Doughnuts
and a chain of topless bars in Texas.
That got lucky with some paid porn
websites.
What? So, Dean, you said this...
- You said...
- A double scotch, right?
So, I had nothing.
But what you going to do?
- I think, I can't retire. You know?
- No, you can't.
"Ce la vie", as that nazi
Maurice Chevalier used to say.
Yeah?
Is that my phone or yours?
- I guess mine.
- Your's Beethoven, wasn't it?
- No, I had another kind.
- What are you, Bach or Mozart today.
Lynn? Excuse me, a step. Hello?
Hi there, son. It's Buddy.
It's my son, Buddy.
- That's him, right there.
- He's cute.
Honey, can I just take this call
a moment, Debbie?
- Yeah, sure.
- Hi. How you doing? Yeah.
You just got up? Yeah?
You take your medication, soldier?
Good. What are you up to? Yeah?
You on that world wide web again?
Deb, you into
this world wide web thing?
My son, Buddy, he does
The Buddy Show from our house.
He's got all the'se web cams
everywhere, you know.
- Yeah.
- He's got one in the bathroom.
There's people looking in at me
taking a poop.
I says, I don't like this.
- I wouldn't like that.
- No, I don't like that.
- I don't like that.
- A hot channel.
A hot channel. Yeah?
Yes, no, theres no Cocoa Puffs, no.
So make yourself a sandwich, son.
All right?
Now listen, I've got go, Honey,
because I'm working.
No, it's not the Olsen twins.
He's asking if I'm making up
the Olsen twins.
That's Buddys dream.
No, it's Debbie Reynolds. Yeah.
- Bet he doesn't know Debbie Reynold.
- He loves you, too.
But he doesn't know me. Tell him
that I'm Princess Leah's mother.
- You tell him.
- Okay.
Buddy? Hi,
I'm Princess Leah's mother.
That's Debbie Reynolds.
That made his day.
- He got it.
- Okay, Honey.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
All right.
- He's a good kid, right, Lynn?
- Yeah.
That's got to be
the shortest retirement in history.
- It didn't even last a day.
- Yeah. No.
- That's not fair.
- No, I...
I figured next day
I had to call Wally at the union...
tell him, you know,
I wanted to come back.
And then they put you right
back on the roster.
No, then, hell...
there was a whole lot of "ho-ha"
went on before that happened.
I call the union and...
Harriet Pipperly
answered the phone.
You know Harriet, right?
How do you remember all
the'se people?
- Do you remember Walter Pipperly?
- No.
Scenic designer who hung himself?
From one of his old sets.
- He was very depressed.
- God...
Anyway, I says, Hi, Harriet,
I says, you know, it's Ruby.
I want to talk to Wally.
She says...
You haven't heard?
He's in intensive care.
- No...
- I says, what?
I just saw him last night.
She says...
No, he's had a stroke.
- My God...
- I said, so, Harriet, what?
She says, yes, she says,
he's in a coma.
My God, he had a stroke?
So I says, Harriet, this is
getting worse and worse.
He had a stroke at the retinitis
pigmentas-tosis-what, that benefit?
- The retinitis pigmentosis.
- Benefit? Who can say that?
- No.
- No?
He didn't...
No, see, they never got there.
No, Rog.
I hear all this later, right?
Rog says that they left
the Fermosa, right?
- Yeah.
- He said they had...
an uneventful drive
over to Coldwater, Canyon.
- Yeah.
- And he says they got to...
the second light,
right by the Spencer Tracey park.
- You know there? Pretty.
- Right. Treetops.
- Yeah, it's beautiful.
- And he says, Wally was fine.
He says, he looks at me and he
says, Rog, shall we take Bundy?
And then he says he gave
a little snort like, you know...
- And then he put his head down.
- My God.
On the steering wheel
like he was going to take a nap.
- And that was it.
- My God. that's terrible.
And so Rog called the paramedics
and they didn't come, of course.
- No...
- So, he didn't know...
what to do.
he's in a flat panic.
You know, he's a little guy, Rog,
and he couldn't lift Wally...
because Wallys a big lump.
You know?
- Yeah.
- And in the end he had to sit...
on Wally's lap
and drive him to the hospital.
- My God. that's terrible.
- Yeah. that's terrible. I know.
It gets worse, Lynn. Because guess
who had not wasted a minute...
stepping into his dad's shoes.
- Chip.
- No, Chip, I wish.
No, it wasn't Pip or, hell...
I wouldn't have minded
little Winnie Weslin.
Remember that retarded kid
the Weslins had?
They kept her in a cage
under their gazebo.
I know, with the chain.
She had a chain.
She got out once. She ate a dog.
- I didn't remember that part.
- That's horrible.
- No, It's terrible.
- Bad enough they kept her...
No, they kept it quiet, too.
Anyhow, guess who's in charge?
Skip.
My God. Skip?
And when Harriet told me,
I thought, crap.
Because I never got on with Skip
because he's a...
pardon my French,
Debbie, a little prick.
Yeah, I never liked Skip.
And then that little prick voice
comes on the phone.
Skip Weslin.
Well, Skip, I said, It's Ruby.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.
I said, but, I don't want to retire.
You know.
Can I come back on the roster?
And he says...
No, Ruby, you should've
thought of that before you filed.
I can't just put you back
on the roster.
Yeah, well, but Dad's in a coma.
He's not running things
around here right now. I am.
And quite frankly,
I don't have the time...
or desire to fix your mistakes.
Says, I said, well, screw you, Skip!
I do not appreciate the profanity.
- Well...
- And all I said was screw you.
- Is that a profanity, Debbie?
- No, that's not a profanity.
Fuck you is a profanity.
He's just silly.
Yeah, that's a profanity.
Yeah, I mean, that's the way
you say it.
Debbie Reynolds just said,
fuck you, Lynn.
Well, I didn't...
I know. It's a few years later.
It's a few years later.
So I don't know what to do.
So I ran right over...
to the hospital to see Wally.
- Hoping against hope, you know.
- Yeah.
And they had him in the place where
they keep their vegetative types.
Wally...
you really look like crap.
Wally, I'm in bad shape.
I mean, I'm not in a coma
or nothing...
but I got bills and I got Buddy
and I've got to work.
And it's like Skips trying
to get rid of me, Wally.
And I know you wouldn't want that,
would you, Wally?
Because you was like a father to me,
when we weren't doing it.
And I just need something from you,
anything.
I mean, I know it's hard,
considering you're lying here...
like a can'taloupe, Honey.
But I need a sign or a noise
or a touch or something...
that I can go back
and tell him you're on my side.
Wally, how about a little squeezing
my boobie? Like you used to?
Wally, feel this...
You like squeezing that?
Squeeze your fingers on it, Wally.
And there was no tendon,
muscular action or nothing on it.
It just...
It just fell away.
You know, it's terrible.
And then I left because the nurse
came in to flush his shunt.
And I hate the noise
that thing makes, you know...
Yeah.
He should've put you right back
on the roster.
Skips an asshole.
- Yeah.
- It's right, he's definite asshole.
I know. But I thought, well...
I'm not going to let him beat me,
you know.
I figured I could always,
work non-union.
You know, I mean I could do
some of those independent, pictures.
- Yeah.
- Like, give me a chance to work...
with the Arquette kids again.
- That's a long time ago.
- You know how...
some stars always say they want
to get you exclusive, you know.
- I had a few...
- I never did that.
No, you never did.
Because she's looking at me
like I did that. I didn't.
I thought, well,
I got a few personal numbers.
You know, I'll, take them up on it.
And my first protocol
was Mr. Nicholas Nolte.
"Hello?"
Hi. It's Ruby Romaine
for Nick Nolte.
- "This is Nick Nolte."
- Hi there, Nick.
- "Hi."
- What are you doing still sleeping?
It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
"Well, I got in real late
and I couldn't get up this morning."
I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, I could make you
look real sober for court.
What?
Come on, you're going
to work again.
That's crazy talk. you're one
of America's best movie stars.
Hell, I saw that, Prince of Tides
on channel 13 this morning.
Well, you call me when you stop
feeling sorry for yourself, okay?
- "Yeah".
- All right.
- "I love you."
- Yeah, I love you, too.
Okay, Nick.
Yeah, pretty much empty.
A little shot in there.
I'll see you!
Well, there was nothing going.
So then I thought...
I know another star
who was always pestering me.
And you're wonderful.
you're such a character.
I wish you're around me
all the time, was Jane.
- You know, Kazamakarek.
- Kazamakarek?
She's in "Malcolm in the Middle".
It's a cute show.
- Knock-knock.
- Yeah?
My. For crying out loud.
Get in here!
- Ruby, Hi!
- Hi, there! Hi, junior!
Ruby, do you want a Diet Pepsi,
a pear, or anything?
- No.
- Hey, are you back with us?
Well, let's see, Janie, I got
a little, situation with the union.
- Yeah.
- And I was wondering...
if you could use your clout to get me
back on the roster, you know?
Ruby, I don't have
that kind of power.
- You do! What?
- I mean you need Della Reese...
power to take on the union.
I mean I've got to make a stink
to get a couple...
of pears and some Pepsis.
- That kid, that Frankie Muniz kid?
- Yeah?
He's got a soft-serve ice cream
machine in his dressing room.
- Is it big pop-out trailer there?
- Yeah, right there.
- Yeah, that big pop-out.
- Yeah.
Well, at least you got
the consolation of knowing...
that all of those child stars grow
up to be drug addicts.
No, Jane, it's true.
By the time you're in syndication,
they're going to be behind bars.
- All right, then.
- You're terrible.
Yes. I know.
It's nice to see ya, Honey.
- All right.
- Hey, Ruby, wait a minute.
What?
Brads nephew, Wiley, he's in town.
he's a young director.
He's doing a non-union cable TV pilot
this weekend.
- Yeah?
- He needs someone...
with experience like you.
Let me give you his number.
It's just this...
Here, would you call him.
- Wiley, Wiley Whitford.
- All right.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Tell him I sent you.
- Honey, that's some notepad there.
Those things come in so handy.
You can't believe.
I wear them sometimes
when I, you know...
You do? Yeah, well,
when you cough or you get excited.
I know. Hey, listen, Honey,
once you have kids...
you take all the stretch
out of yourself.
Yeah, I still like tape. I do.
I still can't...
I get the...
Your air conditions really
kicked in here, hasn't it, Janie?
- I get so hot!
- You do?
You do in the menopause?
No...
I am. I'm that old. Well, you know,
you're such a nice girl.
You know, it's always the ones
that play, you know...
crappy people on TV that turn out
to be the nice ones in real life.
No, I mean that. Okay?
Now, don't you let those little
midgets upstage you, Honey. Okay?
- Have you noticed?
- Yeah. I see that little one trying.
I'm going to throw that kid
off the roof. I know. I can see it.
Listen, if I had the power
to recast those kids...
there would be a major housecleaning.
All right, I'll leave
you in your meat locker.
Okay, you're doing great.
Yeah, you're going to get
that Emmy this year. I swear.
- Never.
- I'll see ya.
See ya, Ruby.
Bye. Somebody help her!
Debbie, you look so wonderful
I'm going to send you down to hair.
Let's do a little "do-seedo" down.
You ready for your next victim, Lynn?
- Come on down!
- Come on down!
We'll just get to the hair
and we'll be ready.
So I thought I'd give this,
Wiley a call.
And he told me he was doing
a show called, get this, "Turd Pile".
"Turd Pile?" A friend of mine
was supposed to do that show.
I heard it was horrible.
You ever see one of these,
reality shows, Debbie?
Well, I don't know.
I haven't seen them.
- My granddaughter likes them.
- Yeah. They got kids doing things...
like eating a pigs uterus
for 50 dollars.
You know, or a horse's anus.
God. Well, what about
a camels scrotum?
- Yeah.
- That's 3 meals for them.
- That's funny!
- Eat it!
Eat it!
- Eat it!
- You're a wuss! Eat it!
- Eat it!
- I love it!
All right! Yes!
Here you go, Honey.
You're all right.
Okay, heads up.
Smile for me here.
Okay, we're going to put a little...
- I love it.
- She's going to...
That's it. Do it again.
It's better out than in. Okay.
I love it. I love this.
You don't need a make-up artist,
Honey. You need a janitor.
- She's vomiting up bile here.
- Deanne, I got another 60 bucks.
I've got to empty this.
Jesus, these carrots.
- It was stupid.
- Gross.
Call me old fashioned,
but how in the hell...
is that entertainment, you know?
it's not entertainment.
Anyhow, the 6 o'clock came.
I thought, I've had enough here,
you know.
I thought, I'm going home.
"So, and I'm walking away from them."
"And I hear him say to this idiot...
"Jay Dog, this one big kid
they've got on this show."
"He says, go chase after her."
"We'll call this segment
Pick Up Some Granny Ass".
"So, yeah. So I'm running
towards my car."
"I thought, no, you don't."
"And it's not easy for me to run
because I've got my new hip."
"And I peel out of there."
"And you know
what the little idiot did?"
"He hung on to the back bumper
of my car."
"Well, I taught him a lesson."
"I didn't stop until I got
to the on-ramp at Sawtelle."
I dragged him the whole way.
Did you at least get decent money
for Turd Pile?
No. We got 50 dollars
and a Big Mac combo for lunch.
You can't live on that.
No, you can't live on that.
You can't.
So, I thought that's enough of this
you know, non-union business.
I thought I'm just going
to take it easy.
You know, stay at home
for a couple weeks...
and I called Wally a few times
and he was hanging on.
- Yeah.
- I says to the nurse...
I says, Did you try putting
cold water down his pants?
And she said, you know, there'd be
a lawsuit to do something like that.
I says, I got an idea. I know a way
you can wake a fellow up.
- Squeeze his balls.
- Couldn't hurt.
- Couldn't hurt. They...
- Couldn't hurt. Well, couldn't help.
I say, squeeze his balls! I says,
because my phone was cutting on.
So I'm sitting on this bar...
screaming at the top of my lungs,
squeeze his balls!
Hey, want to squeeze my balls?
Hey!
You here to fix the port-a-potty?
Because it's backing up real bad
in here. Right?
Yeah.
Well, I've got to shot a TV show
on the lot first...
but I'll see what I can do.
- Maybe I can come back.
- Okay.
Ruby! it's Cheech Marin!
Hi, Cheech!
I did your toupee for Nash Bridges.
Right. Well, you know,
it blew off the first day...
and I said, The hell with it.
Hey! Good to see you.
Is that Debbie Reynolds?
My God. Hey, Debbie,
it's really an honor.
I'm a big fan of yours, too.
I've got to ask you
to step down here, fella...
because, we're, you know,
we're working in here, okay?
You know, working on Miss Reynolds
on a scar that, you know. Okay?
Sure, I'll see
if I can find a plunger.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Bye-bye.
You might need a little more
than that, though, yeah.
Who was that?
It's Cheech from Cheech and Chong.
- I thought it was Eric Estrada.
- No.
No? It's another Hispanic.
He went establishment.
20 years ago he wouldn't
have worked in this town...
unless he had a leaf blower
on his back.
So where was I?
He was interrupting my...
You were talking about
staying at home.
Dean must've loved having you
at home.
They loved having me
around the house.
Because you know how guys
like a little love in the afternoon?
- Dean likes sex anytime, but...
- Yeah.
Come on, Baby. Ring my bell.
Come on. Go, Ruby, go.
Don't cough, Honey.
- Ruby. I love you.
- Dean, is this working?
What?
- This.
- Well, of course it's working.
No, my cell phone. It hasn't rung
for a couple of weeks, Honey.
- Can you check it for me?
- Listen.
- It's fine.
- Yeah.
You know what your trouble is?
You don't know how to relax.
Come here, Baby. Come over here.
Bring me that. Yeah, come on.
Let's unleash those hounds.
I can't help a baby, Honey.
- God damn it.
- What's the matter?
All this love in the afternoon
might suit you, Dean.
But I'm getting antsy, you know?
I'm not working. I got bills to pay.
Hell. I already switched
to Dorals...
so that saved me a couple
of hundred bucks a month, right?
Well, you can always take
another one of those non-union gigs.
No, I don't want to do that, Dean.
All those teenagers
blowing snot all over.
- Ruby?
- Yeah?
Why don't you marry me?
I can get you on my insurance
and I could adopt Buddy.
Dean, that's so sweet.
But you're already married.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
Milly's been in suspended animation
so long I almost forgot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, maybe that's why
Skip doesn't like me.
Because me and his dad
were carrying on...
when he's still married.
- Any of your kids hate me, Dean?
- Are you kidding? They love you.
I think Dean Jr. likes you
more than he likes me.
Well, he's a good kid.
How's his parole going?
I don't know. He's working
at Discount Tires...
so he's doing something he loves.
- Yeah.
- Which is just...
What I would like to do.
Come on, Ruby.
Come on, Ruby.
- Lets get cooking.
- Is that pill not wearing off, Dean?
- Dean! I just figured it out.
- What?
I figured it out,
why Skip hates me so much.
- What are you talking about?
- It's because of that time.
When his mom was out.
And Wally caught him
peeking through the keyhole...
when we was making love
on their indoor shuffleboard court.
Wally! It's your little kid!
And he says to him, If you're
so nosy, why don't you come in...
and tell Miss Romaine
she turns you on?
He says to him, he says, Tell her!
Yeah, Skip started crying
and I was laughing...
and I was naked from the waist down
and we'd had a couple of drinks.
And you know how you get.
And then he's saying, Tell her!
Little Skip went, he went beat red
and he started hiccup crying...
and hiccup crying,
you know how they get?
And then he wet himself.
And me and Wally, we was laughing
and calling him Betsy Wetsy.
Betsy Wetsy!
Seems to me, you know,
Wally's more to blame than you.
Yeah.
That can't be it.
- Dean. Is that Buddy?
- Who's that?
- Buddy's gotten up.
- Buddy?
Yes, Buddy's up.
Come on, get your pants on.
Get your pants on.
Come on, Dean, put your...
- Come on.
- Hey, come on! Thanks, Uncle Dean!
Get your pants on, Dean.
Hey, come on! Thanks for fixing up
that electrical outlet there, Dean.
All right, just, much obliged.
- Hell. Dean.
- What's the matter?
I think my fake hips
got jammed up in my thigh here.
- Can you just, yeah.
- Let me help you up.
Help me with the, no.
It's not going to work that way.
I'm going to have to go down
on all fours and then when I turn...
and you can pull me up
by my ankles.
- Turn over, yeah.
- No, pull me up by my...
- That's it. Pull me up now.
- You're like a dead weight, Ruby.
Hell, here comes Buddy now.
Don't bring the pig in the bedroom.
Well, you can't have a pig
in the bedroom.
Look at that. I can't watch.
Get the pig out of here!
Buddy, get the pig out of here!
Now I'm getting turned on.
Hell! I was laughing and the pig
was kissing me all over.
You have a pig in your apartment?
Yeah. It's Buddy's pig.
He fell in love with the breed
when he was over in Vietnam.
That's it, stretch your hand out.
And then when Jan Michael Vincent
went into prison...
he sort of inherited it. You know,
Oinky's a good pig.
Well, are pigs legal?
My neighbor, Lupe,
she's got goats and chickens.
We had an Al-Qaeda family
with a camel in our neighborhood.
Until that, Donald Rumsfeld came
and took him...
to a concentration camp
or something.
- Where do you live, Ruby?
- I'm on Elizondo and Willoughby.
Been there since 1952.
Let's see...
You must have a good deal
on the rent.
No. Hell, I wish I did
but the neighborhood...
keeps going down,
rents keep going up. I tell you.
It was very hard when I wasn't
working then, you know...
I didn't know how I was going
to pay for everything.
And I had to have a yard sale
to sell some...
of my beautiful,
my treasures, Lynn.
Yeah, my Hollywood memorabilia,
because you got a lot of that stuff.
You be careful with Ann Margarets
bedside lamp there, Son, okay?
Go put it back in the tissue paper
in Mommy's bedroom.
- It's getting dark, Ruby.
- Yeah.
Your precious memorabilia is soaked.
I know. Jesus Christ,
they didn't say...
we're have a tsunami on the weather
report last night, did they? Dean?
It's only Mexican look-ee-loos
out there. "Andole!"
There'll be no more gays
with money to burn.
How much have we made, Ruby?
It's pretty shabby. 55 bucks.
You know, people got no sense
of history, Dean.
Dean, this is, Jesus, it's
Joan Crawfords liquor cart, right?
- See the little scratches there?
- Yeah.
I mean, they're from her fingernails.
She used it to drag herself
around the house...
when she was too drunk to walk.
You know what a couple of sissies
offered me for that? 14 dollars.
14 dollars?
No way, 14 dollars.
- No way, Jose.
- No sale.
Buddy, that's Alan Ladd's suit
of armor, Honey.
Be so careful with it, okay? Yeah.
But you know what hurt the most,
Dean?
Goddamn Mexican lady
thought that...
Sherry Lewis' puppet,
Lamb Chop was a potholder.
Does this look like a potholder
to you, Dean?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Buddy!
- What do you want?
- Buddy, I have Oinky...
in my house again.
Come get him from me.
Molly, get your pig off of this pig.
It's not cool to let pig get
in my house.
I have piss and shit on my carpet.
And you, neighbor lady,
why all this racket.
When you go to Venus selling off
your life? I need my sleep.
It's not my fault you stayed up
all night banging...
a busload of Japanese tourists,
Honey.
- I know what you Imply.
- What, the hooker thing?
"Nyet."
I am respectable woman
with big heart, entrepreneur.
"Entrepre-whore", you mean.
Now get off of my threshold.
I call police you don't get crap
off my lawn now.
Listen, Miss Tricksy Trotsky.
I'm just exercising
my unalienable right...
under the Constitution and as
a citizen to have a yard sale.
Does this crotchless panties
really belong to the actress...
Kirstie Alley?
Yes, you have a good eye.
that's some quality scanty-wear.
You could probably use it for a tax
deduction for business purposes.
I make for you 1 dollar.
- Sold.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Now, Dean, you get
this crap off my lawn...
or I tell Ruby that I make handjob
for you last Wednesday, okay?
- Right away.
- F-you, whore!
Buddy...
Dean, come on. You better
get this Heather Locklears...
tanning bed off of her lawn, okay?
Get it into the carport.
Buddy, did you take
your medication, soldier?
Where's your medication, Buddy?
What? Where's your pills?
Money, Ma.
Jesus, you sold your medication,
Buddy?
2 bucks? Hell, Dean.
I've got to go to Drug World
pick up more of Buddy's Polaverin.
Buddy. Come on, look don't rub
your head...
against there like a sore bear.
Jesus Christ, he sold his Polaverin.
I've got to take a trip over
to Drug World and get some more.
That goes for 55 bucks!
- You want some this? Mostly tonic.
- Sure.
He'd sold his Polaverin.
- It wakes you up.
- Good tonic.
This isn't working. I'm telling you,
I tried to push the thing down.
No, let me help you here, Honey.
You've got to give it a good pump.
No, you have to have a good hip
to get this pump down.
I know. Just let me use
my new one here.
You can't just...
Watch, you've got to really...
Now it's going.
- Thanks, that's better.
- Yeah. Don't be embarrassed.
- It's the backing up the sump.
- Well, only you could do it, Ruby.
- Thank you.
- Hell yeah, I can do it.
You know, I was just saying to Lynn
about my Buddy selling...
his medication at the yard sale.
Because you're used to, kids on
medication, right, Debbie?
- Well, yeah.
- You know, I saw your daughter...
on one of those chick channels
the other day.
- Carrie.
- Yeah, and she was saying...
Hi, she says, I'm Carrie Fisher
and I'm mentally ill.
She always makes it sound so amusing.
Carrie's very open about
her bi-polar problem, you know.
Well, I hate to one up you,
Debbie, but my Buddy's tri-polar.
- That's a lot of poles.
- You're kidding.
- Well, I've never heard of that one.
- He is.
Yeah, but this drug he's on,
this Polaverin...
it's new, is wonderful.
It's like night and day.
So, then he sells them
at the yard sale.
I had to go right over to Drug World
and pick up another prescription.
- Yeah.
- And Debbie...
you will love this.
Remember Pepper Kane?
Was she a player under contact
to Metro?
No, she was a protege
of Danny Weismans.
Yeah, I remember Danny Weisman.
He added a lot of class
to this business.
Yeah, well, I remember the day
he introduced me to Pepper.
I was working over
at the Warner's Hollywood lot.
And he arrived,
sweating like a pig, as usual.
Wuby!
Mr. Weisman.
- Wuby, I need your help.
- Yeah? Sure.
But you've got promise not to bweathe
a goddamn word of this.
Sure, Mr. Weisman.
Anything you want, Mr. Weisman.
June Allison is off the picture.
- No!
- Yeah.
Everybody loves June.
Not me. She wouldn't put out.
I get it.
Artistic differences, right?
Anyway, I found
this weawwy great talent.
- She's a wittle waw, but...
- Yeah? A wittle what?
Waw...
- Wike steak!
- Sorry, Mr. Weisman.
I must have a little wax build up
in the canal here.
Yeah, anyhow, she's going to be
a big goddamn star...
and I want you to make her
look weawwy great.
- Sure!
- I want you to make her wook...
exactly like
that goddamn June Allison.
Pepper, Honey.
Hi.
I...
Is there a pwoblem
with this or...
Because I can get someone else.
No, there's no problem at all,
Mr. Weisman.
Well, I'm counting on you, Wuby,
all right?
Yeah. She's going to be all wight.
- All wight.
- All wight.
Yeah. Okay, kid, come with me.
My names Miss Romaine.
Pepper Kane was black?
you're kidding me.
Come on, Debbie,
everyone knows Peppers...
You were always the last to know.
I'm not being mean, Honey.
Remember Liz and Eddie?
Come on, she's...
- Yeah!
- You're hitting close...
to the mark there.
Pepper Kane was black, yeah, sure.
Danny Weisman says to me, you know
You got to help me.
I had to make, Kunta Kintes wife
look like a loaf of white bread.
Because back then, lets face it.
You know, America
wasn't going to stand...
for Vic Mature rolling around
in the hay with a black girl, right?
- No.
- No, heavens no.
Today Billy Bob jumps
on Halle Berry and it's Oscar time.
Right, and it was hard
to make her look white.
I got a few ideas here, okay?
Is Pepper ready, Wuby?
They're calling for her on the set!
The goddamn director wants
to see her right away!
Almost, Mr. Weisman, almost!
Lets go!
All right, Mr. Weisman. She's ready.
Okay, hit it, Pepper.
Now that is a miracle, Ruby.
That's a goddamn miracle!
Yeah, I have a gift.
You have two gifts.
You want to take them to Vegas again
this weekend?
Let's go to Las Vegas. I'm serious.
What ever happened to Pepper Kane?
Well, this is it.
See, this is what I'm getting to.
That night I'm picking up Buddy's,
Polaverin.
"And I came out of the pharmacy."
"And I could see there were lights
and trucks...
and, you know, the whole 9 yards."
"They were filming, you know.
And you know how you are."
"Because you're in the business,
you always say...
what are you doing here?
You know."
- What's shooting here?
- We got a music video.
- So keep moving. I got a lot...
- Yeah, what kind of music?
Lady, I got a lot of shit
coming through here, lady.
Just keep it moving, all right?
Move your ass.
Hey! Don't you be talking to her
that way.
She ain't listening to me, Mama.
She's just standing here.
Hey, come on, this just ain't
any bitch with a powder puff.
This here is an artist.
Yeah, that's right.
- Do I know you?
- Hey, come on, Ruby...
you forget me, girl?
Did we have a sort of argument
at the DMV last week?
Because I'm awful sorry about that.
Honey, I don't work at the DMV.
It's Pepper.
Pepper Kane.
Come on, you used to
make me up white.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Pepper.
I didn't recognize you
as a full-on nigress.
Honey, you came out!
I didn't just come out,
I came out on top!
Come on. Come with me.
Hey, Ruby, lets catch up.
Need anything?
I'd like a cognac.
That what we're drinking?
Come on. You heard of Slurr P?
Yeah, that's my grandson.
Yeah. You go, Slurr P!
You hot diggity!
he's the bomb biggity!
- No, you the biggity bomb!
- No, you bomb biggity.
You go!
This is going be great!
He's great!
You know, I set up my whole family
with the money I got from my lawsuit.
- You have a slip and fall, Pepper?
- No. Mr. Johnny Cochran.
He got me a big settlement
in my racial discrimination suit.
And all the studios had to go back
over my old movies and tint me up.
Yeah!
You know that tinted up story.
- Yeah. I told you many times, right?
- That was a good time.
Yeah, I said, Hey, Mr. DeMille,
I ready for my tintup.
Yeah, tint it!
Hey, and while you're fixing shit...
give that bitch some lips
and ass, right?
It's like a colorization process
kind of.
So, how you all been, Ruby, girl?
Not too good, Pepper.
Yeah, the head of the make-up
unions in a coma...
and his son Skip's in charge
and he's been giving me a hard time.
Skip.
He's one bad-ass motherfucker
crackhead...
wacked out shit-faced son of a whore.
There ain't no denying it,
Ruby, girl.
Pepper, you're so black now.
For real.
For real, right?
It's like old times, you know...
she's slapping her thighs
and shaking her booty.
I says, I can go around to the car,
I says, get my kit.
I can help you out here, you know.
And she just stopped.
Stopped doing all this slapping
and shaking and high-fiving.
And you know "mo-foin".
And she says to me...
I can't do that, child.
We can't work with white people.
That just ain't done in this town.
Hey, hold onto this.
Hey, I want to see that stuff again!
Come on, let's get it on!
Come on, everybody!
I want to be in it this time!
I want to get in the car!
I want to dance!
That's right! Yeah!
I dig it.
- She said that to you?
- Yeah, to me.
I tell ya, Debbie, I was so hurt.
I went home and I says to Dean...
I says, even old Peppers
turned me away.
You know?
And after all I did
for that slutty actress!
Jesus, the goddamn blacks
have taken over!
Hey, Ruby, what's going on?
We're not watching
that Bernie Mac shit.
Not tonight. I need a beer.
That's reverse racism.
You know, I didn't even
think of that, Lynn...
because you know me,
I'm colorblind, you know?
Yeah.
No, I hit bottom that night,
I tell you.
You know, I thought, I can't even
get a job with Pepper.
You know, I didn't have the money
for next month's rent.
And Buddy wasn't covered
by medical.
I knew I had to do something.
I thought, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
I'm going to have to go see Skip.
And kiss some major "bun-dola".
- God.
- Yeah.
So I went over
to the Weslin compound.
That's a beautiful multi-million
dollar home.
And it's built on a landfill
but you'd never know it...
except when the lawn lets out a fart.
- "Yeah?"
- Skip?
- "Yes?"
- Hey, I got a little gift basket...
for you here and I brought...
Should I just, myself in here?
- Just leave it on the table.
- Well, I kind of need to see ya.
I've got to sign?
All right, bring it in.
Yeah.
Home looks beautiful, Skip.
I want these stencil-y, palm patterns
you got going on here.
It's beautiful.
Okay, doing very well.
It's firming up nicely.
If you just sit still...
you're going to get
a very nice facial impression.
Okay, now, if you start to flip out,
right, just ring that little bell...
and we'll come pop you out of there.
Take 15, 20 minutes.
What do you want?
Skip, this sausage, cheese, fudge...
and, beautiful Algerian merlot here
is my way of saying I was wrong.
You were right, let's bury the
hatchet, let bygones be bygones...
and all of that,
and for goddamn sake.
Let me back on the roster,
would ya?
Ruby, you see I'm working here?
Ya, I got a movie star
in the chair right now.
Hi there, Harrison.
Hi. it's Ruby Romaine. Yeah?
I worked with you
on that Ann Heche picture.
Hey, it got a beautiful review in
Mademoiselle. That had to...
Okay, you know, lets go.
I'll be right back.
That is so goddamn unprofessional.
I thought you didn't need the union?
Whatever happened to,
Screw you, Skip?
Yeah, well, I didn't know
what I was saying, you know.
The hell you didn't.
Now get your sorry ass out of here!
- Let's go!
- Skip?
What did I ever do to you?
I been lying awake nights, wondering.
I mean is it because of that time
at the Manimal wrap party...
when I spilled cranberry
and vodka on your suede pants?
I forgot about that.
Come on, let's go!
Skip, if you think that me
and Wally having an affair...
was what sent your mom
to the madhouse.
Then let me tell you right here
and now, hand on my heart, Skip...
that your mom was nuts long
before I started diddling your dad.
- Shut up.
- She was crazy.
Look, why the hell would I want you
back on the roster?
I am sick to death of all
of you old people...
- What?
- I swore to myself...
that when I rose to power,
I was going to clean house.
Anybody whose resume
was pre-"Petticoat Junction" was out.
Including you. Especially you!
So why don't you just tell
your story walking?
Listen! you're going to be old
one day, Skip!
You're going to need 6 pairs
of glasses to read a call sheet.
And I hope your prostate flares up
like a grease pan fire.
And I hope that happens on
a night shoot with a rain machine...
with a blocked port-a-potty.
And the only sympathy you get, Honey,
is a director screaming, Cut! Print!
And get that old fart off of the set
and shoot him!
Well, we were screaming fit the bus
in the canyon here.
And I had nothing to lose
and then, goddamn it.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
you'll never guess who walked in.
Pepper.
- No.
- Not Pepper.
Why would Pepper
come through the door?
No, it wasn't Pepper!
Wally.
Look who's out of their coma.
Dad!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Wally!
Yeah, you know,
it was the damnedest thing.
I was laying in the bed
and I saw a light beckoning...
and I walked towards it.
And when I got to the end
of the tunnel
I wasn't at the pearly gates.
I was at the nurses center.
You know? And they were watching
some Philippino variety show...
and eating pot noodles.
I scared the shit out of them!
Don't that beat all?
It sure does, Wally. Honey...
Wally...
How's your retirement
treating you, Rube?
That's the thing, Wally, see?
I decided I don't want to.
Well, that's news that's worth
coming out of a coma for.
Yeah, I just thought
I'd come over...
and ask Skip to put me back
on the roster.
Why, that's easy, Skipper!
You'll take care of that for Ruby,
won't you?
- Yeah.
- Can do.
Thanks there, Skipper.
You know, Harrisons stopped
ringin his bell there, Skip.
I hope he's not dead. Hell.
Can you Imagine if Harrison Ford
was dead in your studio?
- Don't go...
- Kids.
- Betsy Wetsy.
- Betsy Wetsy, yeah.
No, Wally. No, not yet.
I want you to get better.
It's a nice way to die.
Come on. I know. We've got to...
What do you've got to do, Honey?
You got a sheet from the hospital?
You speak English?
Yeah, you want me to flush his
shunt? I don't mind. I'll do that.
And when he heard what Skip had done
to me, he took him off of the roster.
Yeah. And the last I heard
is that Skip was doing...
make-up for that road tour of that
play. "The Puppetry of the Penis".
You know, the fellas response to
"The Vagina Monologues".
A dick making up a dick!
You got a way with words, Lynn.
Yeah. So he got his, thank you
very much. Yeah. Yessireebob.
- Good for you.
- He deserves it.
I'm back in the union
and I'm never going to leave again.
I'm going to work until I die
and I love it.
- We're, ready for Miss Reynolds.
- And Miss Reynolds is ready for you.
Now that I look like Debbie Reynolds.
Thanks, Ruby. God bless.
I love you.
Now, listen, Honey, I'm going
to be out there to check you.
- Bye, girls.
- See ya on the ice, Baby!
You look wonderful.
- Debbie Reynolds.
- She have, work done, Lynn?
I don't think so. I think
she's a freak of nature.
- I couldn't see the scars.
- Hi! Ready for me?
- Yeah.
- How you doing?
Look who's here!
It's old home week. Rose Marie!
Everybody's in today. How are you?
It's been a long...
- Come on, let's get to your chair.
- Okay.
In you go, up you go.
I haven't seen you in so long.
I haven't seen you since...
- When?
- When was it?
Was it at Marcus Welby, M.D.?
No. Hell, you know what it was?
We had a lot of laughs on this.
You were in that movie of the week
as Mrs. Santa Claus.
That's right.
And I was sweating like a pig
in that hat.
Yeah, why you wouldn't take
your bow off...
I've got to tell you this. You know
what Vincent Price always said?
What is he saying?
Vincent said, The reason
I can't take the bow out...
it's nailed into my head.
- Leave it to him.
- You know...
- He was a sweet man.
- He was a wonderful man, you know.
Sweet man. I think
I need a little hit right here.
- Right here on the, Just a little.
- Yeah, you'll need something.
Your shine. You're not going
to need a lot. So you're...
They're showing some clips, right?
When they show them you're going to
talk about the old days.
And that kind of thing? I want to
see you do something new.
I don't want to talk
about the old days.
Those days are over and done with.
Let's talk about today.
Is the kid coming in
to get the coffee for us?
I'm trying to tell a story here.
Morning.
All right.
All right.
Stretching it out, up we come.
In a circle, and around, in a circle,
and around.
Well, that's enough of that.
Cigarette.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Yeah?
Is that your car out there?
- What, the Pontiac?
- Yeah.
Relax, Ruby Romaine,
make-up. Okay?
You can't park there.
make-up parks in the structure.
No...
I'm not a structure person.
No, I got a bum hip, see?
It's still shapely,
but it clicks a little. Yeah.
- You hear that? You hear it?
- Yeah. I hear it.
You hear the clicking?
It's not. It doesn't hurt me.
You can just, you know,
hear it. Yeah.
That's good.
This is my first day, though.
- And I have work...
- You're a trainee?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. What's your name, Cupcake?
Adam Greenstein.
Just in time, because this business
was running low on Jews.
Hey, you have a little acne
still there, Baby.
Want me to cover that up?
That's going to dry it right up.
Go over to Kraft service for me
and get me some coffee, would you?
- All right, but we have to get back.
- Okay. I understand. Sure.
Ruby!
- There she is! Honey, come here!
- Hi, Ruby! Hello, Honey.
- Thank God.
- You look great!
You look great, too! Just the same.
Look at ya.
You look a little different there,
but otherwise...
I had the puppies. Sit down.
Take a seat.
- Okay, Honey.
- Take the weight off.
- God, Honey...
- What are we doing today?
- Yeah, well...
- We are doing...
Let me get my coffee, Honey.
We're doing...
the Funny Ladies of Film
and TV of the 21st Century.
So you want to look like, Debbie
Reynolds, right? Yeah.
- I think that'll do it.
- Yeah.
They're going to want me
to talk a lot...
and they're going to run those old
movie clips, you know?
I can't get enough of those.
Yeah, what?
Can we get a guesstimate
on Miss Reynolds?
I just got started
and here Pee-Wee, I mean...
Yeah, tell Mr. Schlatter,
does he want it done fast...
or he wants it done right?
You know?
Why don't you tell him
yourself, Ruby?
- Hi, Mr. Schlatter! There he is.
- Hi, George. My favorite producer.
Debbie, you look gorgeous.
- Times stood still. It's 1957.
- Sure.
You look like you just
when you did "Tammy".
Can it, George. Can it.
That's the end of that.
- Do I need any make-up?
- You nut, George.
- Okay, good.
- But, hey...
you might want to take
a look at that mole.
It looks a little cancer-y. You know?
Cancer-y?
Yeah, well, you know, it's probably
the good kind of cancer, right?
The type you can just pick out
with your fingernail.
- That's the treatment for it?
- Yeah, don't fear for your life.
- I feel better now. Thanks.
- Yeah.
Now...
- We've got...
- What?
We've got Phyllis Diller
and Rose Marie...
arriving in 10 minutes.
Should I send them in?
Well, Miss Diller arrives
with her hair in a bag.
Bring it in so the hairdresser
can get started on it, okay?
This kid will never tell them.
- He's an idiot.
- No, he'll never hear you anyway.
He can't hear anything
inside of here.
So, your still doing your concerts
here, there, and everywhere, Debbie?
Yeah, I am. I'm on a tour.
You know, I was just out in Cheyenne.
It was beau...
You know, I can't really remember.
They all look alike on the bus,
but audiences are wonderful.
You know, they really appreciate
everything.
- Yeah, the older people, sure.
- I can't Imagine ever retiring.
- I don't want to retire.
- No, not you.
You're like the Energizer bunny.
Right?
- You just keep going and going.
- Hip-hop.
Well, it's so much fun.
Anyway, you don't want to retire.
- What would you do?
- Ya. I retired for about a half day.
- You did?
- Yeah.
My boyfriend told me, he says,
You could make as much off...
your pension sitting on your butt
all day as you could working.
So, Debbie, let me tell ya,
it's the worst mistake I ever made.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
They threw me
a pretty good party, though.
- Yeah, had a nice party.
- Well, you deserve it.
You spent a fortune with the party.
Sweetheart, you only retire once,
Ruby.
Yeah, accept for Sinatra.
That son of a bitch
made a career out of it!
Come on, Garland, you never forgave
Frank for calling you a big fat fag.
- And that's the truth.
- Ruby.
It's not what he said,
it's the way he said it.
Now, Jane Wyman,
she used to call me...
That fat, cologne soaked
costuming queer.
But she said it cute.
Frank said it mean, disrespectful.
It was like the way he talked
to Joey Bishop.
I'd like to propose a toast to Ruby.
That's me!
I hope you don't mind
we ordered a bottle of champagne!
I mind so much, Judy,
I might just kiss ya!
Hey!
Hey, right, Dean.
I'm not no lesbian.
Damn, there goes my three-way.
- Deans so supportive.
- All right, hold your glasses up.
To Ruby on the eve of her retirement.
May she never have to make
anybody beautiful...
but herself for the rest of her life.
- To Ruby!
- To Ruby!
- To Ruby!
- To me!
Dean, that was a beautiful speech.
I got to tell ya. Wasn't that pretty?
- You say wonderful things.
- Thank you.
That is...
- Honestly, that was beautiful.
- Rube!
- What?
- Isn't that Wally Weslin?
You certainly bring out
the big danes tonight, Honey!
- Wally! What a guy! Wally!
- Ruby!
How could you retire
and do this to me?
I don't know what Local 706
is going to do without her.
Wally, you'll survive.
- Hey Dean, get a seat for Wally.
- Sure.
- Come on, Wally. No, sit down?
- No need.
I'm escorting Dan Dorrier's widow
to a retinitis pigmentosis shindig.
But I have a little something
for you.
- What?
- Rog.
You all know my photographer,
Rog Monroe.
- Hi, Rog. Hello!
- Hi, Rog! Yeah, I remember you.
- Look at this!
- Yeah.
Ruby, on behalf of the Make-up
and Hair at your Local 706...
I'd like to present you
with this plaque.
To Ruby Romaine for your many years
of loyal service.
To your craft, by which we have
all been ennobled.
Hell...
- Say cheese!
- Cheese!
Hell, you still got the best caboose
in the business, Ruby!
And your ta-ta's ain't too bad,
either!
Wally! You still got
that Weslin charm.
Hey, barkeep! I want to buy
a round for everybody at this party!
That's wonderful. Thanks, Honey.
- Now, Rube.
- Yeah?
Now, you be sure to call me
if ever you need anything.
And one more time, you know,
just for old times sake?
I'm going to wet myself!
Wally, you've got to stop!
Okay! I'll see ya all later!
Yeah, see ya later!
God bless you, Wally!
- Ain't that beautiful?
- Yeah, are they all right?
My goodness, when he does
that motorboat, I tell ya...
I thought I'd wet myself.
What's a motorboat?
What is a motorboat?
- You don't know what a motorboat is?
- No, well...
Lynn. This is Lynn,
the hairdresser.
- Hi, Deb.
- You remember Debbie.
- Lynn, you know what a motorboat is.
- Sure.
Yeah, you know,
it's when a fella goes like this...
In your boobs. It's a motorboat.
I never heard it called that.
Thanks, Lynn, for lending me
your body there, Lynn.
My pleasure.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- That was very nice.
- So, anyhow, 10 minutes after...
I get this plaque.
Yeah?
Judy Undermeyer takes a look
at my portfolio.
- You know Judy Undermeyer?
- Brain, big brain.
- No, I don't remember her.
- She's real smart.
If she'd had been a man,
she would a really been something.
And she takes a look at my 401K.
Who runs your pension fund?
I mean a monkey could make better
choices and better investments.
You got National Airlines, Enron,
Time Warner, Napster...
You got Arthur Anderson. Jesus!
Ruby, you'll be lucky
you got 700 bucks a month.
What? I can't live on 700 a month.
Yeah, well, you're lucky
you got that, I'll tell ya.
- Why?
- Because you diversified...
into Krispy Kreme Doughnuts
and a chain of topless bars in Texas.
That got lucky with some paid porn
websites.
What? So, Dean, you said this...
- You said...
- A double scotch, right?
So, I had nothing.
But what you going to do?
- I think, I can't retire. You know?
- No, you can't.
"Ce la vie", as that nazi
Maurice Chevalier used to say.
Yeah?
Is that my phone or yours?
- I guess mine.
- Your's Beethoven, wasn't it?
- No, I had another kind.
- What are you, Bach or Mozart today.
Lynn? Excuse me, a step. Hello?
Hi there, son. It's Buddy.
It's my son, Buddy.
- That's him, right there.
- He's cute.
Honey, can I just take this call
a moment, Debbie?
- Yeah, sure.
- Hi. How you doing? Yeah.
You just got up? Yeah?
You take your medication, soldier?
Good. What are you up to? Yeah?
You on that world wide web again?
Deb, you into
this world wide web thing?
My son, Buddy, he does
The Buddy Show from our house.
He's got all the'se web cams
everywhere, you know.
- Yeah.
- He's got one in the bathroom.
There's people looking in at me
taking a poop.
I says, I don't like this.
- I wouldn't like that.
- No, I don't like that.
- I don't like that.
- A hot channel.
A hot channel. Yeah?
Yes, no, theres no Cocoa Puffs, no.
So make yourself a sandwich, son.
All right?
Now listen, I've got go, Honey,
because I'm working.
No, it's not the Olsen twins.
He's asking if I'm making up
the Olsen twins.
That's Buddys dream.
No, it's Debbie Reynolds. Yeah.
- Bet he doesn't know Debbie Reynold.
- He loves you, too.
But he doesn't know me. Tell him
that I'm Princess Leah's mother.
- You tell him.
- Okay.
Buddy? Hi,
I'm Princess Leah's mother.
That's Debbie Reynolds.
That made his day.
- He got it.
- Okay, Honey.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
All right.
- He's a good kid, right, Lynn?
- Yeah.
That's got to be
the shortest retirement in history.
- It didn't even last a day.
- Yeah. No.
- That's not fair.
- No, I...
I figured next day
I had to call Wally at the union...
tell him, you know,
I wanted to come back.
And then they put you right
back on the roster.
No, then, hell...
there was a whole lot of "ho-ha"
went on before that happened.
I call the union and...
Harriet Pipperly
answered the phone.
You know Harriet, right?
How do you remember all
the'se people?
- Do you remember Walter Pipperly?
- No.
Scenic designer who hung himself?
From one of his old sets.
- He was very depressed.
- God...
Anyway, I says, Hi, Harriet,
I says, you know, it's Ruby.
I want to talk to Wally.
She says...
You haven't heard?
He's in intensive care.
- No...
- I says, what?
I just saw him last night.
She says...
No, he's had a stroke.
- My God...
- I said, so, Harriet, what?
She says, yes, she says,
he's in a coma.
My God, he had a stroke?
So I says, Harriet, this is
getting worse and worse.
He had a stroke at the retinitis
pigmentas-tosis-what, that benefit?
- The retinitis pigmentosis.
- Benefit? Who can say that?
- No.
- No?
He didn't...
No, see, they never got there.
No, Rog.
I hear all this later, right?
Rog says that they left
the Fermosa, right?
- Yeah.
- He said they had...
an uneventful drive
over to Coldwater, Canyon.
- Yeah.
- And he says they got to...
the second light,
right by the Spencer Tracey park.
- You know there? Pretty.
- Right. Treetops.
- Yeah, it's beautiful.
- And he says, Wally was fine.
He says, he looks at me and he
says, Rog, shall we take Bundy?
And then he says he gave
a little snort like, you know...
- And then he put his head down.
- My God.
On the steering wheel
like he was going to take a nap.
- And that was it.
- My God. that's terrible.
And so Rog called the paramedics
and they didn't come, of course.
- No...
- So, he didn't know...
what to do.
he's in a flat panic.
You know, he's a little guy, Rog,
and he couldn't lift Wally...
because Wallys a big lump.
You know?
- Yeah.
- And in the end he had to sit...
on Wally's lap
and drive him to the hospital.
- My God. that's terrible.
- Yeah. that's terrible. I know.
It gets worse, Lynn. Because guess
who had not wasted a minute...
stepping into his dad's shoes.
- Chip.
- No, Chip, I wish.
No, it wasn't Pip or, hell...
I wouldn't have minded
little Winnie Weslin.
Remember that retarded kid
the Weslins had?
They kept her in a cage
under their gazebo.
I know, with the chain.
She had a chain.
She got out once. She ate a dog.
- I didn't remember that part.
- That's horrible.
- No, It's terrible.
- Bad enough they kept her...
No, they kept it quiet, too.
Anyhow, guess who's in charge?
Skip.
My God. Skip?
And when Harriet told me,
I thought, crap.
Because I never got on with Skip
because he's a...
pardon my French,
Debbie, a little prick.
Yeah, I never liked Skip.
And then that little prick voice
comes on the phone.
Skip Weslin.
Well, Skip, I said, It's Ruby.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.
I said, but, I don't want to retire.
You know.
Can I come back on the roster?
And he says...
No, Ruby, you should've
thought of that before you filed.
I can't just put you back
on the roster.
Yeah, well, but Dad's in a coma.
He's not running things
around here right now. I am.
And quite frankly,
I don't have the time...
or desire to fix your mistakes.
Says, I said, well, screw you, Skip!
I do not appreciate the profanity.
- Well...
- And all I said was screw you.
- Is that a profanity, Debbie?
- No, that's not a profanity.
Fuck you is a profanity.
He's just silly.
Yeah, that's a profanity.
Yeah, I mean, that's the way
you say it.
Debbie Reynolds just said,
fuck you, Lynn.
Well, I didn't...
I know. It's a few years later.
It's a few years later.
So I don't know what to do.
So I ran right over...
to the hospital to see Wally.
- Hoping against hope, you know.
- Yeah.
And they had him in the place where
they keep their vegetative types.
Wally...
you really look like crap.
Wally, I'm in bad shape.
I mean, I'm not in a coma
or nothing...
but I got bills and I got Buddy
and I've got to work.
And it's like Skips trying
to get rid of me, Wally.
And I know you wouldn't want that,
would you, Wally?
Because you was like a father to me,
when we weren't doing it.
And I just need something from you,
anything.
I mean, I know it's hard,
considering you're lying here...
like a can'taloupe, Honey.
But I need a sign or a noise
or a touch or something...
that I can go back
and tell him you're on my side.
Wally, how about a little squeezing
my boobie? Like you used to?
Wally, feel this...
You like squeezing that?
Squeeze your fingers on it, Wally.
And there was no tendon,
muscular action or nothing on it.
It just...
It just fell away.
You know, it's terrible.
And then I left because the nurse
came in to flush his shunt.
And I hate the noise
that thing makes, you know...
Yeah.
He should've put you right back
on the roster.
Skips an asshole.
- Yeah.
- It's right, he's definite asshole.
I know. But I thought, well...
I'm not going to let him beat me,
you know.
I figured I could always,
work non-union.
You know, I mean I could do
some of those independent, pictures.
- Yeah.
- Like, give me a chance to work...
with the Arquette kids again.
- That's a long time ago.
- You know how...
some stars always say they want
to get you exclusive, you know.
- I had a few...
- I never did that.
No, you never did.
Because she's looking at me
like I did that. I didn't.
I thought, well,
I got a few personal numbers.
You know, I'll, take them up on it.
And my first protocol
was Mr. Nicholas Nolte.
"Hello?"
Hi. It's Ruby Romaine
for Nick Nolte.
- "This is Nick Nolte."
- Hi there, Nick.
- "Hi."
- What are you doing still sleeping?
It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
"Well, I got in real late
and I couldn't get up this morning."
I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, I could make you
look real sober for court.
What?
Come on, you're going
to work again.
That's crazy talk. you're one
of America's best movie stars.
Hell, I saw that, Prince of Tides
on channel 13 this morning.
Well, you call me when you stop
feeling sorry for yourself, okay?
- "Yeah".
- All right.
- "I love you."
- Yeah, I love you, too.
Okay, Nick.
Yeah, pretty much empty.
A little shot in there.
I'll see you!
Well, there was nothing going.
So then I thought...
I know another star
who was always pestering me.
And you're wonderful.
you're such a character.
I wish you're around me
all the time, was Jane.
- You know, Kazamakarek.
- Kazamakarek?
She's in "Malcolm in the Middle".
It's a cute show.
- Knock-knock.
- Yeah?
My. For crying out loud.
Get in here!
- Ruby, Hi!
- Hi, there! Hi, junior!
Ruby, do you want a Diet Pepsi,
a pear, or anything?
- No.
- Hey, are you back with us?
Well, let's see, Janie, I got
a little, situation with the union.
- Yeah.
- And I was wondering...
if you could use your clout to get me
back on the roster, you know?
Ruby, I don't have
that kind of power.
- You do! What?
- I mean you need Della Reese...
power to take on the union.
I mean I've got to make a stink
to get a couple...
of pears and some Pepsis.
- That kid, that Frankie Muniz kid?
- Yeah?
He's got a soft-serve ice cream
machine in his dressing room.
- Is it big pop-out trailer there?
- Yeah, right there.
- Yeah, that big pop-out.
- Yeah.
Well, at least you got
the consolation of knowing...
that all of those child stars grow
up to be drug addicts.
No, Jane, it's true.
By the time you're in syndication,
they're going to be behind bars.
- All right, then.
- You're terrible.
Yes. I know.
It's nice to see ya, Honey.
- All right.
- Hey, Ruby, wait a minute.
What?
Brads nephew, Wiley, he's in town.
he's a young director.
He's doing a non-union cable TV pilot
this weekend.
- Yeah?
- He needs someone...
with experience like you.
Let me give you his number.
It's just this...
Here, would you call him.
- Wiley, Wiley Whitford.
- All right.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- Tell him I sent you.
- Honey, that's some notepad there.
Those things come in so handy.
You can't believe.
I wear them sometimes
when I, you know...
You do? Yeah, well,
when you cough or you get excited.
I know. Hey, listen, Honey,
once you have kids...
you take all the stretch
out of yourself.
Yeah, I still like tape. I do.
I still can't...
I get the...
Your air conditions really
kicked in here, hasn't it, Janie?
- I get so hot!
- You do?
You do in the menopause?
No...
I am. I'm that old. Well, you know,
you're such a nice girl.
You know, it's always the ones
that play, you know...
crappy people on TV that turn out
to be the nice ones in real life.
No, I mean that. Okay?
Now, don't you let those little
midgets upstage you, Honey. Okay?
- Have you noticed?
- Yeah. I see that little one trying.
I'm going to throw that kid
off the roof. I know. I can see it.
Listen, if I had the power
to recast those kids...
there would be a major housecleaning.
All right, I'll leave
you in your meat locker.
Okay, you're doing great.
Yeah, you're going to get
that Emmy this year. I swear.
- Never.
- I'll see ya.
See ya, Ruby.
Bye. Somebody help her!
Debbie, you look so wonderful
I'm going to send you down to hair.
Let's do a little "do-seedo" down.
You ready for your next victim, Lynn?
- Come on down!
- Come on down!
We'll just get to the hair
and we'll be ready.
So I thought I'd give this,
Wiley a call.
And he told me he was doing
a show called, get this, "Turd Pile".
"Turd Pile?" A friend of mine
was supposed to do that show.
I heard it was horrible.
You ever see one of these,
reality shows, Debbie?
Well, I don't know.
I haven't seen them.
- My granddaughter likes them.
- Yeah. They got kids doing things...
like eating a pigs uterus
for 50 dollars.
You know, or a horse's anus.
God. Well, what about
a camels scrotum?
- Yeah.
- That's 3 meals for them.
- That's funny!
- Eat it!
Eat it!
- Eat it!
- You're a wuss! Eat it!
- Eat it!
- I love it!
All right! Yes!
Here you go, Honey.
You're all right.
Okay, heads up.
Smile for me here.
Okay, we're going to put a little...
- I love it.
- She's going to...
That's it. Do it again.
It's better out than in. Okay.
I love it. I love this.
You don't need a make-up artist,
Honey. You need a janitor.
- She's vomiting up bile here.
- Deanne, I got another 60 bucks.
I've got to empty this.
Jesus, these carrots.
- It was stupid.
- Gross.
Call me old fashioned,
but how in the hell...
is that entertainment, you know?
it's not entertainment.
Anyhow, the 6 o'clock came.
I thought, I've had enough here,
you know.
I thought, I'm going home.
"So, and I'm walking away from them."
"And I hear him say to this idiot...
"Jay Dog, this one big kid
they've got on this show."
"He says, go chase after her."
"We'll call this segment
Pick Up Some Granny Ass".
"So, yeah. So I'm running
towards my car."
"I thought, no, you don't."
"And it's not easy for me to run
because I've got my new hip."
"And I peel out of there."
"And you know
what the little idiot did?"
"He hung on to the back bumper
of my car."
"Well, I taught him a lesson."
"I didn't stop until I got
to the on-ramp at Sawtelle."
I dragged him the whole way.
Did you at least get decent money
for Turd Pile?
No. We got 50 dollars
and a Big Mac combo for lunch.
You can't live on that.
No, you can't live on that.
You can't.
So, I thought that's enough of this
you know, non-union business.
I thought I'm just going
to take it easy.
You know, stay at home
for a couple weeks...
and I called Wally a few times
and he was hanging on.
- Yeah.
- I says to the nurse...
I says, Did you try putting
cold water down his pants?
And she said, you know, there'd be
a lawsuit to do something like that.
I says, I got an idea. I know a way
you can wake a fellow up.
- Squeeze his balls.
- Couldn't hurt.
- Couldn't hurt. They...
- Couldn't hurt. Well, couldn't help.
I say, squeeze his balls! I says,
because my phone was cutting on.
So I'm sitting on this bar...
screaming at the top of my lungs,
squeeze his balls!
Hey, want to squeeze my balls?
Hey!
You here to fix the port-a-potty?
Because it's backing up real bad
in here. Right?
Yeah.
Well, I've got to shot a TV show
on the lot first...
but I'll see what I can do.
- Maybe I can come back.
- Okay.
Ruby! it's Cheech Marin!
Hi, Cheech!
I did your toupee for Nash Bridges.
Right. Well, you know,
it blew off the first day...
and I said, The hell with it.
Hey! Good to see you.
Is that Debbie Reynolds?
My God. Hey, Debbie,
it's really an honor.
I'm a big fan of yours, too.
I've got to ask you
to step down here, fella...
because, we're, you know,
we're working in here, okay?
You know, working on Miss Reynolds
on a scar that, you know. Okay?
Sure, I'll see
if I can find a plunger.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Bye-bye.
You might need a little more
than that, though, yeah.
Who was that?
It's Cheech from Cheech and Chong.
- I thought it was Eric Estrada.
- No.
No? It's another Hispanic.
He went establishment.
20 years ago he wouldn't
have worked in this town...
unless he had a leaf blower
on his back.
So where was I?
He was interrupting my...
You were talking about
staying at home.
Dean must've loved having you
at home.
They loved having me
around the house.
Because you know how guys
like a little love in the afternoon?
- Dean likes sex anytime, but...
- Yeah.
Come on, Baby. Ring my bell.
Come on. Go, Ruby, go.
Don't cough, Honey.
- Ruby. I love you.
- Dean, is this working?
What?
- This.
- Well, of course it's working.
No, my cell phone. It hasn't rung
for a couple of weeks, Honey.
- Can you check it for me?
- Listen.
- It's fine.
- Yeah.
You know what your trouble is?
You don't know how to relax.
Come here, Baby. Come over here.
Bring me that. Yeah, come on.
Let's unleash those hounds.
I can't help a baby, Honey.
- God damn it.
- What's the matter?
All this love in the afternoon
might suit you, Dean.
But I'm getting antsy, you know?
I'm not working. I got bills to pay.
Hell. I already switched
to Dorals...
so that saved me a couple
of hundred bucks a month, right?
Well, you can always take
another one of those non-union gigs.
No, I don't want to do that, Dean.
All those teenagers
blowing snot all over.
- Ruby?
- Yeah?
Why don't you marry me?
I can get you on my insurance
and I could adopt Buddy.
Dean, that's so sweet.
But you're already married.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
Milly's been in suspended animation
so long I almost forgot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know, maybe that's why
Skip doesn't like me.
Because me and his dad
were carrying on...
when he's still married.
- Any of your kids hate me, Dean?
- Are you kidding? They love you.
I think Dean Jr. likes you
more than he likes me.
Well, he's a good kid.
How's his parole going?
I don't know. He's working
at Discount Tires...
so he's doing something he loves.
- Yeah.
- Which is just...
What I would like to do.
Come on, Ruby.
Come on, Ruby.
- Lets get cooking.
- Is that pill not wearing off, Dean?
- Dean! I just figured it out.
- What?
I figured it out,
why Skip hates me so much.
- What are you talking about?
- It's because of that time.
When his mom was out.
And Wally caught him
peeking through the keyhole...
when we was making love
on their indoor shuffleboard court.
Wally! It's your little kid!
And he says to him, If you're
so nosy, why don't you come in...
and tell Miss Romaine
she turns you on?
He says to him, he says, Tell her!
Yeah, Skip started crying
and I was laughing...
and I was naked from the waist down
and we'd had a couple of drinks.
And you know how you get.
And then he's saying, Tell her!
Little Skip went, he went beat red
and he started hiccup crying...
and hiccup crying,
you know how they get?
And then he wet himself.
And me and Wally, we was laughing
and calling him Betsy Wetsy.
Betsy Wetsy!
Seems to me, you know,
Wally's more to blame than you.
Yeah.
That can't be it.
- Dean. Is that Buddy?
- Who's that?
- Buddy's gotten up.
- Buddy?
Yes, Buddy's up.
Come on, get your pants on.
Get your pants on.
Come on, Dean, put your...
- Come on.
- Hey, come on! Thanks, Uncle Dean!
Get your pants on, Dean.
Hey, come on! Thanks for fixing up
that electrical outlet there, Dean.
All right, just, much obliged.
- Hell. Dean.
- What's the matter?
I think my fake hips
got jammed up in my thigh here.
- Can you just, yeah.
- Let me help you up.
Help me with the, no.
It's not going to work that way.
I'm going to have to go down
on all fours and then when I turn...
and you can pull me up
by my ankles.
- Turn over, yeah.
- No, pull me up by my...
- That's it. Pull me up now.
- You're like a dead weight, Ruby.
Hell, here comes Buddy now.
Don't bring the pig in the bedroom.
Well, you can't have a pig
in the bedroom.
Look at that. I can't watch.
Get the pig out of here!
Buddy, get the pig out of here!
Now I'm getting turned on.
Hell! I was laughing and the pig
was kissing me all over.
You have a pig in your apartment?
Yeah. It's Buddy's pig.
He fell in love with the breed
when he was over in Vietnam.
That's it, stretch your hand out.
And then when Jan Michael Vincent
went into prison...
he sort of inherited it. You know,
Oinky's a good pig.
Well, are pigs legal?
My neighbor, Lupe,
she's got goats and chickens.
We had an Al-Qaeda family
with a camel in our neighborhood.
Until that, Donald Rumsfeld came
and took him...
to a concentration camp
or something.
- Where do you live, Ruby?
- I'm on Elizondo and Willoughby.
Been there since 1952.
Let's see...
You must have a good deal
on the rent.
No. Hell, I wish I did
but the neighborhood...
keeps going down,
rents keep going up. I tell you.
It was very hard when I wasn't
working then, you know...
I didn't know how I was going
to pay for everything.
And I had to have a yard sale
to sell some...
of my beautiful,
my treasures, Lynn.
Yeah, my Hollywood memorabilia,
because you got a lot of that stuff.
You be careful with Ann Margarets
bedside lamp there, Son, okay?
Go put it back in the tissue paper
in Mommy's bedroom.
- It's getting dark, Ruby.
- Yeah.
Your precious memorabilia is soaked.
I know. Jesus Christ,
they didn't say...
we're have a tsunami on the weather
report last night, did they? Dean?
It's only Mexican look-ee-loos
out there. "Andole!"
There'll be no more gays
with money to burn.
How much have we made, Ruby?
It's pretty shabby. 55 bucks.
You know, people got no sense
of history, Dean.
Dean, this is, Jesus, it's
Joan Crawfords liquor cart, right?
- See the little scratches there?
- Yeah.
I mean, they're from her fingernails.
She used it to drag herself
around the house...
when she was too drunk to walk.
You know what a couple of sissies
offered me for that? 14 dollars.
14 dollars?
No way, 14 dollars.
- No way, Jose.
- No sale.
Buddy, that's Alan Ladd's suit
of armor, Honey.
Be so careful with it, okay? Yeah.
But you know what hurt the most,
Dean?
Goddamn Mexican lady
thought that...
Sherry Lewis' puppet,
Lamb Chop was a potholder.
Does this look like a potholder
to you, Dean?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Buddy!
- What do you want?
- Buddy, I have Oinky...
in my house again.
Come get him from me.
Molly, get your pig off of this pig.
It's not cool to let pig get
in my house.
I have piss and shit on my carpet.
And you, neighbor lady,
why all this racket.
When you go to Venus selling off
your life? I need my sleep.
It's not my fault you stayed up
all night banging...
a busload of Japanese tourists,
Honey.
- I know what you Imply.
- What, the hooker thing?
"Nyet."
I am respectable woman
with big heart, entrepreneur.
"Entrepre-whore", you mean.
Now get off of my threshold.
I call police you don't get crap
off my lawn now.
Listen, Miss Tricksy Trotsky.
I'm just exercising
my unalienable right...
under the Constitution and as
a citizen to have a yard sale.
Does this crotchless panties
really belong to the actress...
Kirstie Alley?
Yes, you have a good eye.
that's some quality scanty-wear.
You could probably use it for a tax
deduction for business purposes.
I make for you 1 dollar.
- Sold.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Now, Dean, you get
this crap off my lawn...
or I tell Ruby that I make handjob
for you last Wednesday, okay?
- Right away.
- F-you, whore!
Buddy...
Dean, come on. You better
get this Heather Locklears...
tanning bed off of her lawn, okay?
Get it into the carport.
Buddy, did you take
your medication, soldier?
Where's your medication, Buddy?
What? Where's your pills?
Money, Ma.
Jesus, you sold your medication,
Buddy?
2 bucks? Hell, Dean.
I've got to go to Drug World
pick up more of Buddy's Polaverin.
Buddy. Come on, look don't rub
your head...
against there like a sore bear.
Jesus Christ, he sold his Polaverin.
I've got to take a trip over
to Drug World and get some more.
That goes for 55 bucks!
- You want some this? Mostly tonic.
- Sure.
He'd sold his Polaverin.
- It wakes you up.
- Good tonic.
This isn't working. I'm telling you,
I tried to push the thing down.
No, let me help you here, Honey.
You've got to give it a good pump.
No, you have to have a good hip
to get this pump down.
I know. Just let me use
my new one here.
You can't just...
Watch, you've got to really...
Now it's going.
- Thanks, that's better.
- Yeah. Don't be embarrassed.
- It's the backing up the sump.
- Well, only you could do it, Ruby.
- Thank you.
- Hell yeah, I can do it.
You know, I was just saying to Lynn
about my Buddy selling...
his medication at the yard sale.
Because you're used to, kids on
medication, right, Debbie?
- Well, yeah.
- You know, I saw your daughter...
on one of those chick channels
the other day.
- Carrie.
- Yeah, and she was saying...
Hi, she says, I'm Carrie Fisher
and I'm mentally ill.
She always makes it sound so amusing.
Carrie's very open about
her bi-polar problem, you know.
Well, I hate to one up you,
Debbie, but my Buddy's tri-polar.
- That's a lot of poles.
- You're kidding.
- Well, I've never heard of that one.
- He is.
Yeah, but this drug he's on,
this Polaverin...
it's new, is wonderful.
It's like night and day.
So, then he sells them
at the yard sale.
I had to go right over to Drug World
and pick up another prescription.
- Yeah.
- And Debbie...
you will love this.
Remember Pepper Kane?
Was she a player under contact
to Metro?
No, she was a protege
of Danny Weismans.
Yeah, I remember Danny Weisman.
He added a lot of class
to this business.
Yeah, well, I remember the day
he introduced me to Pepper.
I was working over
at the Warner's Hollywood lot.
And he arrived,
sweating like a pig, as usual.
Wuby!
Mr. Weisman.
- Wuby, I need your help.
- Yeah? Sure.
But you've got promise not to bweathe
a goddamn word of this.
Sure, Mr. Weisman.
Anything you want, Mr. Weisman.
June Allison is off the picture.
- No!
- Yeah.
Everybody loves June.
Not me. She wouldn't put out.
I get it.
Artistic differences, right?
Anyway, I found
this weawwy great talent.
- She's a wittle waw, but...
- Yeah? A wittle what?
Waw...
- Wike steak!
- Sorry, Mr. Weisman.
I must have a little wax build up
in the canal here.
Yeah, anyhow, she's going to be
a big goddamn star...
and I want you to make her
look weawwy great.
- Sure!
- I want you to make her wook...
exactly like
that goddamn June Allison.
Pepper, Honey.
Hi.
I...
Is there a pwoblem
with this or...
Because I can get someone else.
No, there's no problem at all,
Mr. Weisman.
Well, I'm counting on you, Wuby,
all right?
Yeah. She's going to be all wight.
- All wight.
- All wight.
Yeah. Okay, kid, come with me.
My names Miss Romaine.
Pepper Kane was black?
you're kidding me.
Come on, Debbie,
everyone knows Peppers...
You were always the last to know.
I'm not being mean, Honey.
Remember Liz and Eddie?
Come on, she's...
- Yeah!
- You're hitting close...
to the mark there.
Pepper Kane was black, yeah, sure.
Danny Weisman says to me, you know
You got to help me.
I had to make, Kunta Kintes wife
look like a loaf of white bread.
Because back then, lets face it.
You know, America
wasn't going to stand...
for Vic Mature rolling around
in the hay with a black girl, right?
- No.
- No, heavens no.
Today Billy Bob jumps
on Halle Berry and it's Oscar time.
Right, and it was hard
to make her look white.
I got a few ideas here, okay?
Is Pepper ready, Wuby?
They're calling for her on the set!
The goddamn director wants
to see her right away!
Almost, Mr. Weisman, almost!
Lets go!
All right, Mr. Weisman. She's ready.
Okay, hit it, Pepper.
Now that is a miracle, Ruby.
That's a goddamn miracle!
Yeah, I have a gift.
You have two gifts.
You want to take them to Vegas again
this weekend?
Let's go to Las Vegas. I'm serious.
What ever happened to Pepper Kane?
Well, this is it.
See, this is what I'm getting to.
That night I'm picking up Buddy's,
Polaverin.
"And I came out of the pharmacy."
"And I could see there were lights
and trucks...
and, you know, the whole 9 yards."
"They were filming, you know.
And you know how you are."
"Because you're in the business,
you always say...
what are you doing here?
You know."
- What's shooting here?
- We got a music video.
- So keep moving. I got a lot...
- Yeah, what kind of music?
Lady, I got a lot of shit
coming through here, lady.
Just keep it moving, all right?
Move your ass.
Hey! Don't you be talking to her
that way.
She ain't listening to me, Mama.
She's just standing here.
Hey, come on, this just ain't
any bitch with a powder puff.
This here is an artist.
Yeah, that's right.
- Do I know you?
- Hey, come on, Ruby...
you forget me, girl?
Did we have a sort of argument
at the DMV last week?
Because I'm awful sorry about that.
Honey, I don't work at the DMV.
It's Pepper.
Pepper Kane.
Come on, you used to
make me up white.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Pepper.
I didn't recognize you
as a full-on nigress.
Honey, you came out!
I didn't just come out,
I came out on top!
Come on. Come with me.
Hey, Ruby, lets catch up.
Need anything?
I'd like a cognac.
That what we're drinking?
Come on. You heard of Slurr P?
Yeah, that's my grandson.
Yeah. You go, Slurr P!
You hot diggity!
he's the bomb biggity!
- No, you the biggity bomb!
- No, you bomb biggity.
You go!
This is going be great!
He's great!
You know, I set up my whole family
with the money I got from my lawsuit.
- You have a slip and fall, Pepper?
- No. Mr. Johnny Cochran.
He got me a big settlement
in my racial discrimination suit.
And all the studios had to go back
over my old movies and tint me up.
Yeah!
You know that tinted up story.
- Yeah. I told you many times, right?
- That was a good time.
Yeah, I said, Hey, Mr. DeMille,
I ready for my tintup.
Yeah, tint it!
Hey, and while you're fixing shit...
give that bitch some lips
and ass, right?
It's like a colorization process
kind of.
So, how you all been, Ruby, girl?
Not too good, Pepper.
Yeah, the head of the make-up
unions in a coma...
and his son Skip's in charge
and he's been giving me a hard time.
Skip.
He's one bad-ass motherfucker
crackhead...
wacked out shit-faced son of a whore.
There ain't no denying it,
Ruby, girl.
Pepper, you're so black now.
For real.
For real, right?
It's like old times, you know...
she's slapping her thighs
and shaking her booty.
I says, I can go around to the car,
I says, get my kit.
I can help you out here, you know.
And she just stopped.
Stopped doing all this slapping
and shaking and high-fiving.
And you know "mo-foin".
And she says to me...
I can't do that, child.
We can't work with white people.
That just ain't done in this town.
Hey, hold onto this.
Hey, I want to see that stuff again!
Come on, let's get it on!
Come on, everybody!
I want to be in it this time!
I want to get in the car!
I want to dance!
That's right! Yeah!
I dig it.
- She said that to you?
- Yeah, to me.
I tell ya, Debbie, I was so hurt.
I went home and I says to Dean...
I says, even old Peppers
turned me away.
You know?
And after all I did
for that slutty actress!
Jesus, the goddamn blacks
have taken over!
Hey, Ruby, what's going on?
We're not watching
that Bernie Mac shit.
Not tonight. I need a beer.
That's reverse racism.
You know, I didn't even
think of that, Lynn...
because you know me,
I'm colorblind, you know?
Yeah.
No, I hit bottom that night,
I tell you.
You know, I thought, I can't even
get a job with Pepper.
You know, I didn't have the money
for next month's rent.
And Buddy wasn't covered
by medical.
I knew I had to do something.
I thought, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
I'm going to have to go see Skip.
And kiss some major "bun-dola".
- God.
- Yeah.
So I went over
to the Weslin compound.
That's a beautiful multi-million
dollar home.
And it's built on a landfill
but you'd never know it...
except when the lawn lets out a fart.
- "Yeah?"
- Skip?
- "Yes?"
- Hey, I got a little gift basket...
for you here and I brought...
Should I just, myself in here?
- Just leave it on the table.
- Well, I kind of need to see ya.
I've got to sign?
All right, bring it in.
Yeah.
Home looks beautiful, Skip.
I want these stencil-y, palm patterns
you got going on here.
It's beautiful.
Okay, doing very well.
It's firming up nicely.
If you just sit still...
you're going to get
a very nice facial impression.
Okay, now, if you start to flip out,
right, just ring that little bell...
and we'll come pop you out of there.
Take 15, 20 minutes.
What do you want?
Skip, this sausage, cheese, fudge...
and, beautiful Algerian merlot here
is my way of saying I was wrong.
You were right, let's bury the
hatchet, let bygones be bygones...
and all of that,
and for goddamn sake.
Let me back on the roster,
would ya?
Ruby, you see I'm working here?
Ya, I got a movie star
in the chair right now.
Hi there, Harrison.
Hi. it's Ruby Romaine. Yeah?
I worked with you
on that Ann Heche picture.
Hey, it got a beautiful review in
Mademoiselle. That had to...
Okay, you know, lets go.
I'll be right back.
That is so goddamn unprofessional.
I thought you didn't need the union?
Whatever happened to,
Screw you, Skip?
Yeah, well, I didn't know
what I was saying, you know.
The hell you didn't.
Now get your sorry ass out of here!
- Let's go!
- Skip?
What did I ever do to you?
I been lying awake nights, wondering.
I mean is it because of that time
at the Manimal wrap party...
when I spilled cranberry
and vodka on your suede pants?
I forgot about that.
Come on, let's go!
Skip, if you think that me
and Wally having an affair...
was what sent your mom
to the madhouse.
Then let me tell you right here
and now, hand on my heart, Skip...
that your mom was nuts long
before I started diddling your dad.
- Shut up.
- She was crazy.
Look, why the hell would I want you
back on the roster?
I am sick to death of all
of you old people...
- What?
- I swore to myself...
that when I rose to power,
I was going to clean house.
Anybody whose resume
was pre-"Petticoat Junction" was out.
Including you. Especially you!
So why don't you just tell
your story walking?
Listen! you're going to be old
one day, Skip!
You're going to need 6 pairs
of glasses to read a call sheet.
And I hope your prostate flares up
like a grease pan fire.
And I hope that happens on
a night shoot with a rain machine...
with a blocked port-a-potty.
And the only sympathy you get, Honey,
is a director screaming, Cut! Print!
And get that old fart off of the set
and shoot him!
Well, we were screaming fit the bus
in the canyon here.
And I had nothing to lose
and then, goddamn it.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
you'll never guess who walked in.
Pepper.
- No.
- Not Pepper.
Why would Pepper
come through the door?
No, it wasn't Pepper!
Wally.
Look who's out of their coma.
Dad!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Wally!
Yeah, you know,
it was the damnedest thing.
I was laying in the bed
and I saw a light beckoning...
and I walked towards it.
And when I got to the end
of the tunnel
I wasn't at the pearly gates.
I was at the nurses center.
You know? And they were watching
some Philippino variety show...
and eating pot noodles.
I scared the shit out of them!
Don't that beat all?
It sure does, Wally. Honey...
Wally...
How's your retirement
treating you, Rube?
That's the thing, Wally, see?
I decided I don't want to.
Well, that's news that's worth
coming out of a coma for.
Yeah, I just thought
I'd come over...
and ask Skip to put me back
on the roster.
Why, that's easy, Skipper!
You'll take care of that for Ruby,
won't you?
- Yeah.
- Can do.
Thanks there, Skipper.
You know, Harrisons stopped
ringin his bell there, Skip.
I hope he's not dead. Hell.
Can you Imagine if Harrison Ford
was dead in your studio?
- Don't go...
- Kids.
- Betsy Wetsy.
- Betsy Wetsy, yeah.
No, Wally. No, not yet.
I want you to get better.
It's a nice way to die.
Come on. I know. We've got to...
What do you've got to do, Honey?
You got a sheet from the hospital?
You speak English?
Yeah, you want me to flush his
shunt? I don't mind. I'll do that.
And when he heard what Skip had done
to me, he took him off of the roster.
Yeah. And the last I heard
is that Skip was doing...
make-up for that road tour of that
play. "The Puppetry of the Penis".
You know, the fellas response to
"The Vagina Monologues".
A dick making up a dick!
You got a way with words, Lynn.
Yeah. So he got his, thank you
very much. Yeah. Yessireebob.
- Good for you.
- He deserves it.
I'm back in the union
and I'm never going to leave again.
I'm going to work until I die
and I love it.
- We're, ready for Miss Reynolds.
- And Miss Reynolds is ready for you.
Now that I look like Debbie Reynolds.
Thanks, Ruby. God bless.
I love you.
Now, listen, Honey, I'm going
to be out there to check you.
- Bye, girls.
- See ya on the ice, Baby!
You look wonderful.
- Debbie Reynolds.
- She have, work done, Lynn?
I don't think so. I think
she's a freak of nature.
- I couldn't see the scars.
- Hi! Ready for me?
- Yeah.
- How you doing?
Look who's here!
It's old home week. Rose Marie!
Everybody's in today. How are you?
It's been a long...
- Come on, let's get to your chair.
- Okay.
In you go, up you go.
I haven't seen you in so long.
I haven't seen you since...
- When?
- When was it?
Was it at Marcus Welby, M.D.?
No. Hell, you know what it was?
We had a lot of laughs on this.
You were in that movie of the week
as Mrs. Santa Claus.
That's right.
And I was sweating like a pig
in that hat.
Yeah, why you wouldn't take
your bow off...
I've got to tell you this. You know
what Vincent Price always said?
What is he saying?
Vincent said, The reason
I can't take the bow out...
it's nailed into my head.
- Leave it to him.
- You know...
- He was a sweet man.
- He was a wonderful man, you know.
Sweet man. I think
I need a little hit right here.
- Right here on the, Just a little.
- Yeah, you'll need something.
Your shine. You're not going
to need a lot. So you're...
They're showing some clips, right?
When they show them you're going to
talk about the old days.
And that kind of thing? I want to
see you do something new.
I don't want to talk
about the old days.
Those days are over and done with.
Let's talk about today.
Is the kid coming in
to get the coffee for us?
I'm trying to tell a story here.