Trail of the Pink Panther (1982) Movie Script
He's going in.
Inspector!
Chief Inspector.
Hail to the chief.
Come right in.
Good to see you.
Your disguise
is ready for final fitting.
I'm sure you will be pleased.
Inspector Clouseau is here!
- Chief Inspector.
- Chief!
I saw some
very interesting noses.
Those noses over there
are for the amateurs.
I have some
in my private stock.
You always did
have a nose for noses.
How are you?
I'm sorry. Our Valentine Day
stock isn't ready yet,
but we have
some beauties here for you.
Let's try this one first.
Here's a marvelous one.
All right.
Can we get that on there?
- What do you think of that?
- Wait. Yes.
I call this one
"The Way We Were."
Do you like it with the profile?
It's from our Streisand line.
You like it?
I don't like it, either.
Sorry, I almost
took your nose with that.
Let's try...
what are you doing?
Come over here.
Let's try this one now.
I think you will like this one.
It's very suitable for your face.
It fits in with your lines.
What do you think of that?
I call this one
"Wino and Roses."
Did you notice that...
The veins are quite lifelike,
don't you agree?
I'm particularly proud
of the enlarged pores.
Look at this one right here.
I wasn't crazy about it, either.
We will try something else.
- Something...
- Something's missing.
- Something missing there.
- How about that?
Does that supply it for you?
That's very nice.
There is a nose, Auguste.
That is a nose.
You have a nose for noses.
Get the wigs.
I always can tell immediately
I see the nose.
We call this one
our "Inky-dinky-doo."
That's from
our Inky-dinky-doo line.
What do you have
to go with this?
We will find something.
This will keep you very warm.
This has
a nice effect with that.
- That is too legal.
- Too legal.
- I want something sort of...
- Here's something illegal here.
Leave it to Dr. Balls!
Auguste!
Look at what you've done.
- You like it?
- You're a genius!
- We need...
- Something.
Something is missing.
I know what's missing.
Here are some teeth
on the house.
Let me see how they look.
Perfect!
- Look at this!
- You are a genius at your art!
My dear boy!
He's still inside.
What do you want us to do
when he comes out?
Follow him.
Martha!
Come down and wrap
the Chief Inspector's purchase, please.
I've recently been doing
something very daring in a stump.
Arm and leg. Only 900 francs
for the complete kit.
It has been my experience that,
in an emergency,
a stump can get in the way.
Martha, you remember
Chief Inspector Clouseau?
I never set eyes
on this gentleman before.
Good evening, Martha.
I cannot believe my eyes!
That is because your husband
is a genius, madame.
Wrap these up, please.
I want that nose to go with it.
- Impossible.
- Money is no object.
That is absolutely the ugliest nose
I have ever seen in my life.
It is so revolting,
it is a masterpiece.
It is also Martha's own nose.
My compliments, madame.
It suits you.
Thank you, Chief Inspector.
Thank you.
I will get your bill.
My God, Auguste,
what have you done?
The left heel
is cleverly built up,
which gives
added height and authority.
But the real secret
is in the right heel.
The lifelike clubfoot look
is caused by a built-in spring
which digs into the ankle,
causing excruciating pain.
Very realistic, don't you think?
Remarkable.
How soon can I have a pair?
I can have them ready
for you by Wednesday.
Thank you very much, madame.
Auguste, my sincere thanks,
and to you, madame.
You like the hand?
I'll pack them up with the shoes.
We're having a hand sale.
It will come in handy for scratching
in case you have any hand jobs.
We will see you soon,
Inspector.
- Chief.
- Chief Inspector. Good-bye.
We'll see you soon.
Good-bye.
Oh, my God!
I've never...
I can't...
I've never been in such pain!
Shall I kiss it
and make it better?
It's not that bad!
And, so for the third time
in the memory of modern man,
the world's largest cut diamond,
the famous Pink Panther,
has been stolen.
Since the reign
of Akbar the Magnificent
in the early 12th century
until the recent bloodless coup
of the former colonel,
now president, Sandover Haleesh,
the Pink Panther
has been the symbol of continuity
of the Kurfili, the ruling family
of the tiny Middle East nation
of Lugash.
- Princess Dala...
- Yes?
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
- Send him right in.
...current military regime,
who have kept the gem
under the tightest security...
I came as soon as I got
your message, Commissioner.
- I commend your promptness.
- Thank you.
You have heard
of the theft in Lugash?
The Pink Panther.
Yes, of course.
It is in all the papers.
Soon, I imagine,
they will be sending us
a request for assistance
in catching the criminals.
I have already received
such a request
from the president
of Lugash personally.
I see. How many men
did the president ask for?
Only one...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Clouseau?
See that he is
on the next plane.
Of course.
But, Commissioner,
don't you think that someone
more conventional would...
not to take anything
away from Clouseau...
but, in view of the tense situation
in the Middle East...
I am aware of the tense situation
between you and Clouseau.
However,
Lugash has requested Clouseau,
and Clouseau they will have.
Your finger's in my ink.
What's he doing in there?
Hello!
Nice weather we are having.
I had hoped
we had finally laid to rest
your obsession
with Inspector Clouseau.
So had I, Doctor.
Something has happened
to bring on this relapse?
No, not something.
Someone.
The one.
No, perhaps you're right.
Something.
He is a thing.
- Clouseau?
- Yes, Clouseau.
Your compulsion
to kill Clouseau... is it also back?
Yes, right back.
The thought of a world without
Clouseau fills me with delight,
like a summer
with a thousand Julys.
It intoxicates my soul with...
- Your eyes.
- What?
"Intoxicates my soul
with your eyes."
You lapsed into the lyrics
of You Go to My Head.
I did?
I apologize.
Never apologize
for Cole Porter.
Besides, your subconscious
has confirmed what we already know.
That Clouseau
has got into my head.
Precisely.
How do you suppose you are
going to get him out of there?
I don't know.
I don't suppose.
You are supposed to suppose
and give me all the answers!
The commissioner
wants him in Lugash.
Let the commissioner handle it!
I don't want to know.
I don't want to be there.
I want to be here with you.
What are you thinking, Doctor?
It wasn't Cole Porter.
It was Gillespie and Coots.
The deputy commissioner
to see you.
The commissioner?
Send him in immediately.
Come in, Commissioner.
I want to discuss
the Pink Panther robbery.
I am at your service,
Commissioner.
Allow me to offer you
a small cigar.
Swine cigars. Pay no attention
to them whatsoever.
Let them roll.
Read this most carefully.
Give me your opinion.
I will read my opinion
and give you yours most carefully.
- Do you have a light?
- In the top left-hand drawer.
I'm dancing in the rice
Just dancing in the rice
What a wonderful feeling
I'm... happy in the rice
Always happy...
Allow me.
Excuse me.
Clouseau called. He wants me
to take him to the airport.
Then take him.
Let the president of Lugash worry
about his blood pressure a while.
- He's not going to Lugash.
- What?
He's booked
on the 12: 15 flight to London.
He suspects the Phantom
to be responsible for the robbery.
He said that since Sir Charles
lives in England...
Sir Charles Litton lives
in the south of France.
Yes, sir.
Shall I tell him?
Don't bother.
He would just say, "I know that."
Trying to talk sense to Clouseau
is like Einstein trying
to explain relativity to a "minkey."
Does Sir Charles know
you're coming?
No, I want it
to remain a surprise.
What's wrong?
Your pop-out lighter
is refusing to pop out.
It's supposed to
pop out automatically
when it reaches
a specific temperature.
What exactly is this
specific temperature?
I don't know.
You should have checked
with the factory.
It is obvious
that this pop-out lighter
has reached this
specific pop-out temperature
and is refusing to pop out.
First rule for the car owner...
know your automobile.
But it is your automobile.
I know that,
but it is not my pop-out lighter.
If it were, I would know
the specific pop-out temperature.
Clouseau was trying
to fix the lighter.
He's sure that someone
planted a bomb in the car.
Yes, someone should have...
I mean, could have done that.
He wired Scotland Yard
and said he was arriving in disguise.
Disguise?
What kind of disguise?
Disguised as what?
Didn't say.
How are we going to tell
how to look for him?
- Don't bother.
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
Please return to your seat
and fasten your seatbelt.
There is turbulence ahead.
Thank you.
Yes, very good trip.
Morning, sir.
Enjoy your trip?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Morning, madame.
- Can I help you?
- Thank you.
Inspector Clouseau,
I'm Drummond from Scotland Yard.
I am Henri Botot,
mustard salesman from Dijon.
Can I give you a lift,
Monsieur Botot?
That would be
very kind of you, Mr. Yard.
- Drummond.
- How is Scotland these days?
- Pardon?
- Scotland.
I have some relations
who are from Scotland.
My grandmother
on my father's side.
I'm quite fluent in Gaelic.
It is the night of moons
on the night of Gladez.
Inspector McLaren,
this is Monsieur Botot...
From Dijon.
How do you do?
I was just telling Sergeant Yard
about my father-in-law's sister
on my sergeant's side.
You go round the back.
At last.
My own house,
my own swimming pool.
My own 38-23-38.
Telegram.
Read it to me.
"Dear Chief Commissioner,
happy birthday.
Hope you enjoy
the 3,000 pounds of Jell-O."
3,000 pounds of Jell-O?
There must be some mistake.
Where would I put
3,000 pounds of Jell-O?
Besides, only Clouseau
would be stupid enough
to send me
3,000 pounds of Jell-O.
Hello, yes?
This is Inspector Drummond
of Scotland Yard.
I know it's late.
I hope I didn't wake you up.
It's quite all right.
In fact, you did me a favor.
Who is it?
What can I do for you,
Inspector?
It's about Inspector Clouseau.
Ml5 called and reported
that Libyan agents heard a rumor
that there might be
an assassination attempt
against Clouseau.
Really?
Who else wants to kill him?
I mean, who is behind it?
We don't know, but it comes
from a reliable source.
We've told Clouseau,
but he just laughed and said...
"'The moving finger writes."'
Finger.
When it's Clouseau,
he could mean anything.
- Do you know what time it is?
- Will you shut up?
No, not you.
- Where is he now?
- At his hotel.
I think you should order him
back to Paris
until we verify this rumor
one way or another.
Under no circumstances
allow him to go to Lugash.
Do you have for me
the message?
- You want a massage?
- If you have one for me, yes.
Why don't you try Tokyo Lil
at the end of the block?
Ask for Passionflower Shirley,
the Yokohama Butterfly.
- Why should I do that?
- You want a massage, don't you?
Yes, but I want it from you.
- Sir, I don't give massages.
- You gave me one this morning.
You're mistaken.
Don't you try the tricks Anglais
with me, monsieur.
I received a message
this morning
from Inspector Quinlan
of the Yard of Scotland.
- The message!
- You gave it to me!
Message.
You mean "message."
I know what I mean,
you lunatic.
Do you or do you not
have for me the message?
No, sir.
For you there is no message.
Grouse-Moor Hotel.
- Inspector Clouseau.
- Leaving?
He just went up
to his room. I'll ring.
Thank you.
Yes? This is
Chief Inspector Clouseau.
Turn your bed down, sir.
Where are you?
Can you hear me?
Yes? You were saying?
Idiot! Can you hear me?
Now then... what was that
you were saying?
Your message!
Your phone.
To the airport, my good man,
and drive like the wind.
Right, sir.
I knew that.
I've got a headache.
I don't want to hear another word.
Every time you get mixed up
with Clouseau...
- That's enough!
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
- You can't.
The same thing I've been doing
every morning for the last two years.
You can't!
I'm sick and tired of you telling me
what I can do and what I can't.
Suit yourself.
I hope you like
the new pool cover you ordered.
I think you made
a mistake, Colonel.
Wrong, and never call me
"Colonel," Colonel Bufoni.
I am now your president
and I am infallible.
It says so
in the new constitution.
That you wrote yourself
when you were still a colonel.
You were a captain,
which you could soon become again.
Yes, Mr. President.
It's just that sending for Clouseau...
...was a stroke of genius.
He found the Pink Panther before.
He will find it again.
Possibly.
And then?
Then... the grateful people
of Lugash will shower me,
President Haleesh, with praise
and honor and their daughters.
And the insurance companies
which have already paid
our government's claim
of $12 million
for the theft of the Pink Panther...
what will they shower you with?
Why didn't you mention this
before I sent for Clouseau?
You didn't tell me till now
that you'd requested assistance
from somebody else's
police force.
Maybe we can withdraw
the request.
Not we, Mr. President... you.
Only you can't.
Clouseau's plane, at this minute,
is winging its way to Lugash.
Perhaps he won't find
the Pink Panther.
Perhaps he won't reach Lugash.
- Colonel, you wouldn't.
- To save my president.
Do what you must, Colonel.
Just don't tell me about it.
The president's conscience
must be unblemished.
You understand
my meaning, General?
As the hand understands
the glove, O Great One.
Try to get control of yourself,
my friend.
Giving in
in this way is not healthy.
If I were healthy,
why would I be here, Doctor?
I was referring
to your blood pressure.
I see. He's such a maniac,
such an idiot, such a fool.
And such a lucky fool.
He would fall backwards
down a manhole
and wind up
in the arms of Brooke Shields.
Now London half in ruins
and Lugash, a helpless desert
country, about to be devastated.
- Get hold of yourself.
- I'm trying.
You don't want to end up
at Happy Acres again.
No, but until Clouseau is
out of my hair,
out of my life forever,
I'm doomed.
I'll never smile again.
Frank Sinatra with the Pied Pipers
and Tommy Dorsey.
I'm falling apart
and you go down memory lane
with your silly jazz.
They know not to interrupt me
when I am with a patient
unless it is an emergency.
- Hello?
- Emergency call for the inspector.
It would seem the emergency
is not mine but yours.
- I have terrible news for you.
- What?
Inspector Clouseau's plane
is missing.
- You are sure?
- Positive. I am sorry.
I'll be right there.
Thank you.
Dr. Longet, good-bye.
You see before you
a man reborn, cured, sane,
sound as a Swiss franc.
- The phone call was good news?
- Wonderful news.
Clouseau's plane is overdue
and presumed lost into the sea
and out of my life forever.
I'm going to wash that man
right out of my hair.
I know...
Mary Martin, South Pacific.
I'm going to wash that man
right outta my hair
I'm going to wash that man
right outta my hair
She's here.
Come in.
I think this is a mistake.
Tell her I'm out of town on a case.
- Do you think that's wise?
- You think talking to her is wise?
You were
his immediate superior.
"Were."
You really think he's past tense?
- It certainly seems possible.
- It would be wonderful.
Sooner or later, a persistent reporter
like Marie Jouvet...
What can I say?
What can I tell her?
That I thought him an imbecile?
That I thought he was
the luckiest man in the world
with the brain
of a retarded clam?
- Of course not.
- Of course not.
You and I know he was an idiot,
but to the rest of the world,
he was the greatest detective
since Sherlock Holmes.
- If I tell the truth...
- Then don't.
He's gone.
Give them the hero they want.
It's no skin off your nose.
But is he gone?
Is he really?
I've got this ghastly feeling
that next week or tomorrow,
I'll open the trunk of my car
or my closet, and... "Peekaboo!"
Even so, I don't think
you have a choice.
What if I don't bring it off?
Where Clouseau is concerned,
my emotions lurk below the surface
like a floating mine.
- Oh, God, I can't do it.
- You can do it.
I can do it?
Yes, I can do it.
No, you do it.
Miss Jouvet.
Miss Jouvet,
how nice of you to come.
Please make yourself comfortable.
Pull up a clam.
How would you describe
Inspector Clouseau?
I've never known
a man like him.
He was... unique.
Could you be more specific?
I could be, but...
To start with,
he was... unorthodox.
- In what way?
- In every way.
- Can you give me an example?
- An example.
Yes. For instance,
to keep himself constantly alert
to any attack,
he instructed his Chinese
manservant to attack him
wherever and whenever
he could.
That's not only unorthodox,
it's bizarre.
- He sounds like a real nut.
- Shut up.
There were rumors
that you and he didn't get along.
I suppose we occasionally had
our... little disagreements,
but when you work
with somebody for 20 years,
you can't always be expected
to see...
...to see eye to eye.
Then you think
he was a good detective?
He was...
I think he was...
You can't just say
he was a...
There are no words
to describe what he really was.
How about "genius"?
That is a word.
- Courageous?
- Courageous?
The president
twice decorated him for bravery.
Right.
That sounds
like a courageous man to me.
Yes, it certainly sounds
that way, hmm?
He was reputed
to be a great athlete.
You have no idea
what an athlete he was.
A karate black belt.
- A black belt?
- An expert marksman.
A born leader.
Inspector, I'm so sorry.
Oh, he's crying.
This is Bruno.
I want a meeting right away.
- Who with?
- Everybody.
Okay, boss.
It was part of your job
to attack him like that?
Oh, yes.
Cato, I'm back on the case!
Now to set the trap,
catch the killer...
...and prove to the world
that Maria Gambrelli is innocent...
of murder.
We'll have to accelerate
our training program.
You must learn to attack wherever
and whenever I least expect.
You must give no quarter.
- Didn't anyone ever get hurt?
- Yes, mostly me.
There was one time, however,
when the Mafia imported a ninja.
The inspector
thought the ninja was me.
Poor ninja.
I know just how he felt.
Now with your boss gone,
no more sneak attacks.
You must be very relieved.
Not entirely.
Sometimes when you do something
long enough, you miss it,
even if it was painful.
What do you think happened
to the inspector?
Beats me.
- Inspector Clouseau's residence.
- Marie Jouvet, please.
One moment, please.
It's for you.
This is Sergeant Duval speaking.
I have that information for you.
Clouseau's former assistant
Hercule Lajoy
is living on a river barge
called The Moth.
- Hercule Lajoy?
- Who wants to know?
Marie Jouvet.
I'm a television reporter.
I know what you are.
Can I come aboard?
I want to talk to you.
- You want answers?
- Of course.
How can I give you answers?
I am taking a nap.
I'll wait until you wake up.
All right.
You're even better looking
than you are on television.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I have the distinct impression
that I was expected.
Clouseau has disappeared.
You are a reporter.
- Elementary.
- Spoken like a true policeman.
A retired policeman.
- May I sit?
- As you choose.
You worked with Clouseau.
Yes, he was unique.
Intuitive, a man
who followed his hunches?
Who can tell
what Clouseau followed?
He was the most successful
man on the force.
Everything I thought
made up a proper investigation...
he did the opposite.
Facts, Hercule.
Facts.
Nothing matters
but the facts.
Without them, the science
of criminal investigation
is nothing more
than a guessing game.
Listen to me
and you will learn something.
The facts in this case are...
the body of the chauffeur was found
in the bedroom of the second maid.
Fact!
Cause of death...
four bullets in the chest.
Fact!
The bullets were fired
at close range
from a.25 caliber
Beretta automatic.
Fact!
Maria Gambrelli was discovered
with the murder weapon in her hand.
The murder weapon was registered
in the name of the deceased...
Miguel Ostos...
and was kept, mark you,
in the glove compartment
of the Ballon Rolls-Royce.
Members of the household staff
have testified
that Miguel Ostos beat...
Careful, you fool.
You've broken my pointing stick.
I've got nothing to point with now.
...have testified that Miguel Ostos
beat Maria Gambrelli frequently.
Finally comes the sworn statement
of Monsieur and Madame Ballon,
as well as all the members
of the staff,
each of them with perfect alibis.
Now then, Hercule,
what is the inescapable conclusion?
Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
What? You idiot. Impossible.
- She's protecting someone.
- How do you know that?
- Instinct!
- But, the facts.
You are forgetting
the most important fact... motive.
- He beat her.
- He was Spanish.
- He tore her dress off.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Would you kill somebody
who tore your dress off?
- I suppose not.
- Of course not.
No, there is no doubt
in my mind whatsoever, Hercule.
Maria Gambrelli is most definitely
protecting somebody.
Find that somebody,
and you have found the murderer.
And I shall find the murderer
before the day is out.
Maria Gambrelli
will tell me who he is.
Yet Clouseau was proved right.
Maria Gambrelli was innocent.
Clouseau was always proved right
at the end of the case,
but on the way, even he
made a few miscalculations.
Now he is lost in the sea.
I admired his successes,
but his methods...
they made a mockery
of everything I knew of police work.
So I quit,
but I have a good life.
I carry a few cargos,
charter to a group of tourists in August
when it gets too hot
to stay in Paris.
Don't you miss it sometimes...
the excitement?
Young lady,
if I missed the excitement,
don't you think
I would bait my hook?
Thank you, Hercule Lajoy.
I like you, and I don't think
you're nearly the hard case
you make yourself out to be.
I like Hercule, too, just because
he is the hard case he seems to be.
If you really want to get
to the bottom of this Clouseau thing,
forget about the ones
on his side of the law.
Dig up some of the crooks
he caught, or didn't catch.
Call again when you're
in the neighborhood!
Thank you.
I may do that.
They only show
the top half of you on television.
- I'm glad the bottom is as good.
- Me, too.
How's business?
- Better.
- Picking up.
Clouseau disappears,
business gets better?
- Sure thing.
- Yeah, boss.
This Marie Jouvet...
- She's snooping around.
- So what?
Who knows? But I think
it's better if we put a tail on her.
Louis, she's no dummy.
- Pick a couple of good boys, huh?
- Done.
When I first met
Inspector Clouseau
about 20 years ago in Cortina,
I had a nasty ski accident.
Unfortunately, Clouseau happened
to be staying at the same hotel.
Sir.
Excuse me.
My leg is caught.
You were married
to Inspector Clouseau.
Yes.
Had you known Sir Charles
before Cortina?
Only casually.
I am willing to bet you
10,000 francs
that the Phantom is in Cortina
at this very moment.
Even, perhaps,
in this very room.
How exciting.
What do you think, Mr. Tucker?
I agree with the inspector.
Ten of his victims have been guests
at Angela Dunning's parties.
- What are you all talking about?
- The notorious Phantom.
I've never heard of him.
The little I've read about him,
he seems to be quite a fellow.
There are few thieves
who are as clever as the Phantom.
Each theft is
completely different and unique,
classic in its conception.
I thought you were working on
the theory that he does repeat himself.
Only as far as Angela Dunning's
parties are concerned.
There is one other duplication,
but that is his trademark,
his calling card, so to speak.
He always leaves
a white monogrammed glove.
Sounds terribly theatrical.
If I were the Phantom,
I'd have chosen my victim already.
Really? Who?
Who owns the most fabulous
diamond in the world?
- I suppose I do.
- The Pink Panther.
Such a prize he could never resist.
He would be bound to try for it.
He'd be disappointed.
The Pink Panther is in my safe at...
Your Highness, please,
don't say it here.
If I'm not being too nosy,
I read that there was some dispute
over ownership of the Pink Panther.
It belongs to me.
It was a gift from my late father.
- I shall never surrender it.
- Why should you?
When the present government
seized power,
they claimed the diamond
was the property of the people.
There's even talk of the international
court deciding the issue.
Why don't I steal the diamond,
leave that glove behind,
and you and I can split the insurance?
All right.
I feel like dancing.
Your Highness?
I'd love to.
- How about you, madame?
- Yes, of course.
- Your leg is better, Sir Charles.
- What?
I say, your leg is better.
Much better, thank you.
Mr. Tucker...
That's my beer.
In May 1964,
you divorced Inspector Clouseau.
- A year later...
- I married the man of my dreams.
Who was that, darling?
That fellow Clouseau accused
of being the notorious Phantom.
Oh, him. You have to forgive her.
She's not very good on names.
- He's terribly attractive.
- But she has impeccable taste.
What made Inspector Clouseau
think you were the Phantom?
An anonymous phone call.
I see.
Come up immediately.
Sir Charles.
The Phantom.
I've really got him this time.
- Of course he was wrong.
- About what?
- About you being the Phantom.
- Of course he was wrong.
Wrong, but persistent.
Persistent he was.
He was convinced I was planning
to steal the Pink Panther.
When Princess Dala
gave a costume ball
at her villa in Rome,
Clouseau was there with his men.
Warm?
Yes. Must be hell in there.
But it's not so good in there.
- Anything suspicious?
- No, nothing to worry about.
My men are everywhere,
mingling here, mingling there,
watching all the time.
How dare you drink on duty!
Who is inside there?
- Sergeant Walter!
- Sergeant Quash.
Go on behaving like this
and I'll have your stripes!
The Pink Panther
was stolen that night?
By a gorilla.
Come back.
It's me!
To my dying day,
I'll never forget that old man
trying to cross the street.
Come on, faster!
Hurry!
What's the matter with you?
Can't you drive faster?
We've been down this street.
Come on.
Quick! This is the road
they have gone up.
Don't argue with me.
I know where they've gone!
George, any idea
how we get out of here?
I don't know. I've been up
this street, that one, that one.
- How are we gonna get out?
- Try the high road.
I'll take the high road,
you take the low road.
- So long, Uncle Charles.
- Ciao, George.
Who taught you
to drive this thing?
I see them!
That's them.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes!
Believe it or not,
for a while,
it looked as though
Clouseau himself was the Phantom.
He was arrested
for having stolen the Pink Panther
and sent to prison.
Tucker!
But he was innocent?
Inept, but innocent.
- Inept?
- Wouldn't you say so, darling?
Not in everything, darling.
He was a terrific sleeper.
- It's hard to believe.
- It's true.
He almost never made a serious
mistake while he was sleeping.
I mean inept.
France's greatest detective?
It does test one's reality.
- Do you think he's dead?
- I hope not.
- What do you think, Sir Charles?
- No.
Men like Clouseau never die.
They're indestructible.
- That's the way it should be.
- Why?
We need them.
They help us preserve
our sense of humor.
They're living proof
that however bad things get,
if you persevere, you survive
and sometimes even win.
So you think determination
was the key to his success?
No question about it.
He was a fool, but he epitomized
the 11th commandment.
The 11th commandment?
Thou shalt not give up.
- I like that.
- I thought you might.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Come and see us again.
- I may do that.
The man of your dreams
is also a Machiavellian charmer.
I know that.
Thank you.
- Good-bye.
- Bye!
- You've just passed the hotel.
- Yes, ma'am.
But that's where I wanted to go!
- You see that car following us?
- What about it?
The two men in that car suggested
I drop you off at another address.
What are you talking about?
It was more like a threat
than a suggestion.
They threatened you?
One of them showed me
his brand-new gun.
Who are they?
You'll think I'm not on the ball,
but I neglected to get their names.
- You realize this is kidnapping?
- Yeah.
I have to be honest with you.
I couldn't come up with an alternative.
You can go to prison for life
for kidnapping.
Lady, the gun he showed me
was a.38 Magnum.
I don't know anything about guns.
That gun makes
enormous holes in things.
I had a choice between kidnapping you
and getting shot with that gun.
To be perfectly frank,
I would look terrible and feel worse
with an enormous hole in me.
Use it where it hurts the most.
Watch this.
Beat that. Miss Jouvet,
how nice of you to come.
- Did I have a choice?
- Actually, no.
Let's go where we can be in private.
- Do I have a choice?
- I just want to have a little talk.
- Watch your step.
- I always do.
Why the B-movie melodramatics?
You could have picked up a phone.
- Would you have come?
- To see the French godfather?
- Bruno, I'm a reporter.
- A terrific-looking one at that.
Take a swim.
Let's make ourselves comfortable.
Have a seat.
- Can I have a drink?
- Do I have a choice?
- Actually, no.
- How about some champagne?
Terrific.
Put a fresh peach in it.
You heard the lady.
Champagne, put a peach in it.
A peach?
Yes, sir.
I never heard of a peach
in champagne before.
Very sexy.
- Make that two.
- Yes, sir.
What happens
if he doesn't have any peaches?
Something very melodramatic.
If it gets to that,
I'll settle for plain champagne.
Marie, you really are
some kind of sensational lady.
- Bruno, there is an old saying.
- What's that?
Never bullshit a bullshitter.
I want you to lay off
on this Clouseau thing.
- Take off your glasses.
- What for?
Then I can see what you're thinking.
I doubt that.
Why do you want me
to lay off Clouseau?
- Because I asked you to.
- That's not good enough.
It should be.
What if I don't?
When I was your age,
I used to sometimes wonder
what it would be like if I suddenly
found a whole lot of money.
- Ever imagine something like that?
- Yes.
I even imagined that someday
someone might try to bribe me
with a small fortune.
- What did you do?
- I was tempted.
That's a good start.
- But I said no.
- Not very bright.
I'm a reporter... for better
or for worse, an honest one.
Tell me why you want me
to lay off Clouseau.
I prefer things the way they are.
Clouseau created a lot of problems.
A smart lady like you
could find out he's still alive.
Or dead.
I might even find out
that someone killed him.
You've got a beautiful face.
Why stick it in where it doesn't belong?
It's my job.
What good is your job
if you gotta do your TV show
from a hospital bed?
I knew you were going to threaten me,
but I didn't know how I was going to react.
- I've surprised myself.
- Is that right?
Instead of scaring me,
you have made me angry.
I can't remember
when I've been so angry!
I'm a member of the press,
and I will not be intimidated
by you or anybody else!
- Now who's being melodramatic?
- You call this melodramatic?
- Wait till I get home!
- What are you going to do?
Faint or throw up. Maybe both.
I won't know till I get there.
- Eight to five, it's throw up.
- You've got a bet!
Sir?
- Gutsy lady.
- Yes, indeed, sir.
- Great ass.
- I didn't notice, sir.
Arthur, there's an old saying...
never bullshit a bullshitter.
Yes, of course, sir.
Yes, a great ass, indeed.
Can I get out now?
I don't think she has
such a great ass.
What do you expect me to do?
- Arrest him.
- On what charge?
- He had me kidnapped.
- Can you prove it?
Ask the taxi driver!
You said it was the taxi driver
who kidnapped you.
Bruno's men forced him to.
They had guns!
- Did you see the guns?
- No, but the taxi driver...
I'm certain that everything
you've told me is true,
but I'm equally certain
that Monsieur Langois will deny it.
- Monsieur Langois?
- What it boils down to...
It boils down to
his word against mine!
Exactly!
And in certain circles,
Monsieur Langois' word
carries a lot of weight.
You are upset,
so I will ignore the innuendo.
Upset or not,
the innuendo stands.
May I suggest that you go home
and forget all about this?
Excuse me.
I shall tell you
exactly where I'm going.
I'm going to my office,
where I shall write my next broadcast
about a Mafia boss
who kidnapped me
and the chief inspector of the Sret
who refused to do anything about it!
In my opinion,
that would be most unwise.
What it boils down to, Inspector,
is I don't trust your opinion.
Miss Jouvet seemed a bit upset.
Miss Jouvet is turning out
to be a real pain in the a...
So far, the incident
hasn't even been investigated.
If Bruno Langois is in the mood
to deny the allegation,
I will be happy
to repeat it on the witness stand.
She's talking about you.
It won't be the first time
that I've been instrumental...
- Lot of guts.
- ... to change his testimony.
I believe even the French
godfather would think twice
about challenging me in court.
As for Chief Inspector Dreyfus,
if he really is the paragon
of police virtue he purports to be,
why hasn't he bothered to find
the taxi driver and interrogate him?
She's talking about you.
It's intriguing, but the more
I find out about Clouseau,
the more
certain interested parties
would prefer that I drop
my investigation.
So far I haven't turned up
anything incriminating,
but obviously I'm rocking the boat
and people are getting nervous.
One thing's sure...
I intend to keep on rocking
until I have an answer for you.
Good night.
Inspector Clouseau's residence,
Cato speaking.
I've gone to Miami Beach
to spend Chinese New Year
with my maternal grandmother.
Leave a message after the beep.
Avon calling!
You?
Regrettably.
Inspector Clouseau's residence,
Cato speaking.
I've gone to Miami Beach
to spend Chinese New Year
with my maternal grandmother.
Leave a message after the beep.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm used to it.
This is Professor Auguste Balls
of Paris.
You Oriental picaroon, you can't
fool me about the plane crash.
He is hiding to avoid payment.
Unless I receive 4,000 francs
by Friday, I'm suing!
Put that in your opium pipe
and smoke it,
you conniving Cantonese!
Who the hell
is Professor Auguste Balls?
Inspector Clouseau's
official disguise maker.
- What's a picaroon?
- A cheat.
- That's great.
- Being called a cheat?
Some of my best friends
are picaroons.
I'm sorry I broke in.
That's okay.
Keeps me in practice.
Can I get you
a cup of tea or something?
- No, thanks.
- I could use an aspirin.
I telephoned before,
and I really thought
you'd gone to visit
your grandmother in Miami.
Miami Beach.
She runs a bingo parlor.
She's a real picaroon!
I thought maybe I'd find something.
- Like what?
- Like this.
Oh, that.
Do you know who these people are?
His parents.
- Are they still alive?
- His father is.
He lives in
the Chteau Clouseau Lamarque.
He's a winemaker.
Swine rabbit.
My Chardonnay.
My Beaujolais.
He wants to try.
What are you doing?
It's good.
It doesn't taste the same
since we lost Fifi.
My missing grape Fifi.
Could you tell me something
about your son?
No. After 4:00...
I can't tell you anything
about my son.
Why not after 4:00?
Because after tasting
the wine all day,
after 4:00,
I can't remember my son,
let alone tell you
anything about him.
It is a miracle
that I remember it is after 4:00.
That felt good.
- Are you all right?
- Of course I am.
I was just checking
that Nanna vacuumed the rug.
Speaking of Nanna...
Fetch Nanna.
Nanna has been with me
61 years.
She was Jacques' nurse.
- Oh, really?
- What?
I said, "really."
I know that.
Because you said Nanna
was your son's nurse.
Mademoiselle, you don't
have to repeat what I said.
I know what I said.
Fortunately, I am not too old
to have lost my memory yet.
Knock wood.
Come in!
What am I laughing about?
I'm not sure I can explain it.
Nanna approaches.
A droite, dog.
- Sant!
- Sant.
How she loves that dog.
Regardez, dog.
My son Jacques Clouseau
was born September 8, 1920.
He had his mother's eyes
and his father's kidneys.
From the very beginning,
Jacques wanted to be a policeman.
He had many setbacks...
...but he was always resourceful.
He was 18
when he entered the university
and fell in love.
The girl of his dreams
married another.
Jacques decided
that life was not worth living.
To whom it may concern...
I find life
no longer worth living.
Fortunately...
...there was a power failure.
Swine lights.
When the Germans invaded France,
Jacques joined the underground.
Swine plunger.
After the war,
he joined the police force,
and the rest is history.
Thank you, Monsieur Clouseau.
It's been most interesting.
- It has?
- Yes.
It helps to round out my tribute.
What do you mean?
Your tribute doesn't need rounding.
You have a great-looking tribute.
- He's alive, you know.
- How do you know that?
He has his mother's eyes
but his father's fortitude.
- I thought it was his kidneys.
- That, too.
A man with such fortitude
and kidneys
must be alive someplace.
- I hope so.
- I knew that.
And so, after leaving
that delightful old man,
who is so firmly convinced
that his famous son is still alive,
I began to wonder...
is it possible?
Mafia boss Bruno Langois
seems to think it is.
Sir Charles Litton feels
that such men are indispensable
and therefore indestructible.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
is so obsessed with the possibility
that he's on the verge
of another nervous breakdown.
Did Inspector Clouseau
really perish in the sea as reported,
or, for reasons as yet unknown,
is he out there someplace
plotting his next move,
waiting to reveal himself
when the time is right?
I am reluctant
to believe that misfortune
has really struck down
such a great man.
Swine seagull.
We must find that woman.
Here's the report.
I will apprehend this culprit
within 24 hours.
Now we are getting somewhere.
You...
That's a priceless Steinway!
Not anymore.
Inspector Clouseau's residence.
- Clouseau?
- One moment, please.
For you.
He is Sir Charles Phantom,
the notorious Litton.
- The Phantom.
- One and the same.
My greedy little yellow pimp.
There is something that I am
very interested to know.
This room looks very...
Back to town!
Follow that car!
Does your dog bite?
Nice doggy.
I thought you said
your dog did not bite.
That is not my dog.
Excuse me. Do you know the way
to the Palace Hotel?
Yes.
Special delivery.
A bomb.
Were you expecting one?
A bomb?!
You fool!
You raving Orient idiot!
There is a time
and a place for everything, Cato!
And this is it.
And another thing!
I was known as the Pavlova
of the parallels.
Yes, it's all coming back now.
I remember it.
That felt good.
Inspector!
Chief Inspector.
Hail to the chief.
Come right in.
Good to see you.
Your disguise
is ready for final fitting.
I'm sure you will be pleased.
Inspector Clouseau is here!
- Chief Inspector.
- Chief!
I saw some
very interesting noses.
Those noses over there
are for the amateurs.
I have some
in my private stock.
You always did
have a nose for noses.
How are you?
I'm sorry. Our Valentine Day
stock isn't ready yet,
but we have
some beauties here for you.
Let's try this one first.
Here's a marvelous one.
All right.
Can we get that on there?
- What do you think of that?
- Wait. Yes.
I call this one
"The Way We Were."
Do you like it with the profile?
It's from our Streisand line.
You like it?
I don't like it, either.
Sorry, I almost
took your nose with that.
Let's try...
what are you doing?
Come over here.
Let's try this one now.
I think you will like this one.
It's very suitable for your face.
It fits in with your lines.
What do you think of that?
I call this one
"Wino and Roses."
Did you notice that...
The veins are quite lifelike,
don't you agree?
I'm particularly proud
of the enlarged pores.
Look at this one right here.
I wasn't crazy about it, either.
We will try something else.
- Something...
- Something's missing.
- Something missing there.
- How about that?
Does that supply it for you?
That's very nice.
There is a nose, Auguste.
That is a nose.
You have a nose for noses.
Get the wigs.
I always can tell immediately
I see the nose.
We call this one
our "Inky-dinky-doo."
That's from
our Inky-dinky-doo line.
What do you have
to go with this?
We will find something.
This will keep you very warm.
This has
a nice effect with that.
- That is too legal.
- Too legal.
- I want something sort of...
- Here's something illegal here.
Leave it to Dr. Balls!
Auguste!
Look at what you've done.
- You like it?
- You're a genius!
- We need...
- Something.
Something is missing.
I know what's missing.
Here are some teeth
on the house.
Let me see how they look.
Perfect!
- Look at this!
- You are a genius at your art!
My dear boy!
He's still inside.
What do you want us to do
when he comes out?
Follow him.
Martha!
Come down and wrap
the Chief Inspector's purchase, please.
I've recently been doing
something very daring in a stump.
Arm and leg. Only 900 francs
for the complete kit.
It has been my experience that,
in an emergency,
a stump can get in the way.
Martha, you remember
Chief Inspector Clouseau?
I never set eyes
on this gentleman before.
Good evening, Martha.
I cannot believe my eyes!
That is because your husband
is a genius, madame.
Wrap these up, please.
I want that nose to go with it.
- Impossible.
- Money is no object.
That is absolutely the ugliest nose
I have ever seen in my life.
It is so revolting,
it is a masterpiece.
It is also Martha's own nose.
My compliments, madame.
It suits you.
Thank you, Chief Inspector.
Thank you.
I will get your bill.
My God, Auguste,
what have you done?
The left heel
is cleverly built up,
which gives
added height and authority.
But the real secret
is in the right heel.
The lifelike clubfoot look
is caused by a built-in spring
which digs into the ankle,
causing excruciating pain.
Very realistic, don't you think?
Remarkable.
How soon can I have a pair?
I can have them ready
for you by Wednesday.
Thank you very much, madame.
Auguste, my sincere thanks,
and to you, madame.
You like the hand?
I'll pack them up with the shoes.
We're having a hand sale.
It will come in handy for scratching
in case you have any hand jobs.
We will see you soon,
Inspector.
- Chief.
- Chief Inspector. Good-bye.
We'll see you soon.
Good-bye.
Oh, my God!
I've never...
I can't...
I've never been in such pain!
Shall I kiss it
and make it better?
It's not that bad!
And, so for the third time
in the memory of modern man,
the world's largest cut diamond,
the famous Pink Panther,
has been stolen.
Since the reign
of Akbar the Magnificent
in the early 12th century
until the recent bloodless coup
of the former colonel,
now president, Sandover Haleesh,
the Pink Panther
has been the symbol of continuity
of the Kurfili, the ruling family
of the tiny Middle East nation
of Lugash.
- Princess Dala...
- Yes?
- Chief Inspector Dreyfus.
- Send him right in.
...current military regime,
who have kept the gem
under the tightest security...
I came as soon as I got
your message, Commissioner.
- I commend your promptness.
- Thank you.
You have heard
of the theft in Lugash?
The Pink Panther.
Yes, of course.
It is in all the papers.
Soon, I imagine,
they will be sending us
a request for assistance
in catching the criminals.
I have already received
such a request
from the president
of Lugash personally.
I see. How many men
did the president ask for?
Only one...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Clouseau?
See that he is
on the next plane.
Of course.
But, Commissioner,
don't you think that someone
more conventional would...
not to take anything
away from Clouseau...
but, in view of the tense situation
in the Middle East...
I am aware of the tense situation
between you and Clouseau.
However,
Lugash has requested Clouseau,
and Clouseau they will have.
Your finger's in my ink.
What's he doing in there?
Hello!
Nice weather we are having.
I had hoped
we had finally laid to rest
your obsession
with Inspector Clouseau.
So had I, Doctor.
Something has happened
to bring on this relapse?
No, not something.
Someone.
The one.
No, perhaps you're right.
Something.
He is a thing.
- Clouseau?
- Yes, Clouseau.
Your compulsion
to kill Clouseau... is it also back?
Yes, right back.
The thought of a world without
Clouseau fills me with delight,
like a summer
with a thousand Julys.
It intoxicates my soul with...
- Your eyes.
- What?
"Intoxicates my soul
with your eyes."
You lapsed into the lyrics
of You Go to My Head.
I did?
I apologize.
Never apologize
for Cole Porter.
Besides, your subconscious
has confirmed what we already know.
That Clouseau
has got into my head.
Precisely.
How do you suppose you are
going to get him out of there?
I don't know.
I don't suppose.
You are supposed to suppose
and give me all the answers!
The commissioner
wants him in Lugash.
Let the commissioner handle it!
I don't want to know.
I don't want to be there.
I want to be here with you.
What are you thinking, Doctor?
It wasn't Cole Porter.
It was Gillespie and Coots.
The deputy commissioner
to see you.
The commissioner?
Send him in immediately.
Come in, Commissioner.
I want to discuss
the Pink Panther robbery.
I am at your service,
Commissioner.
Allow me to offer you
a small cigar.
Swine cigars. Pay no attention
to them whatsoever.
Let them roll.
Read this most carefully.
Give me your opinion.
I will read my opinion
and give you yours most carefully.
- Do you have a light?
- In the top left-hand drawer.
I'm dancing in the rice
Just dancing in the rice
What a wonderful feeling
I'm... happy in the rice
Always happy...
Allow me.
Excuse me.
Clouseau called. He wants me
to take him to the airport.
Then take him.
Let the president of Lugash worry
about his blood pressure a while.
- He's not going to Lugash.
- What?
He's booked
on the 12: 15 flight to London.
He suspects the Phantom
to be responsible for the robbery.
He said that since Sir Charles
lives in England...
Sir Charles Litton lives
in the south of France.
Yes, sir.
Shall I tell him?
Don't bother.
He would just say, "I know that."
Trying to talk sense to Clouseau
is like Einstein trying
to explain relativity to a "minkey."
Does Sir Charles know
you're coming?
No, I want it
to remain a surprise.
What's wrong?
Your pop-out lighter
is refusing to pop out.
It's supposed to
pop out automatically
when it reaches
a specific temperature.
What exactly is this
specific temperature?
I don't know.
You should have checked
with the factory.
It is obvious
that this pop-out lighter
has reached this
specific pop-out temperature
and is refusing to pop out.
First rule for the car owner...
know your automobile.
But it is your automobile.
I know that,
but it is not my pop-out lighter.
If it were, I would know
the specific pop-out temperature.
Clouseau was trying
to fix the lighter.
He's sure that someone
planted a bomb in the car.
Yes, someone should have...
I mean, could have done that.
He wired Scotland Yard
and said he was arriving in disguise.
Disguise?
What kind of disguise?
Disguised as what?
Didn't say.
How are we going to tell
how to look for him?
- Don't bother.
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
Please return to your seat
and fasten your seatbelt.
There is turbulence ahead.
Thank you.
Yes, very good trip.
Morning, sir.
Enjoy your trip?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Morning, madame.
- Can I help you?
- Thank you.
Inspector Clouseau,
I'm Drummond from Scotland Yard.
I am Henri Botot,
mustard salesman from Dijon.
Can I give you a lift,
Monsieur Botot?
That would be
very kind of you, Mr. Yard.
- Drummond.
- How is Scotland these days?
- Pardon?
- Scotland.
I have some relations
who are from Scotland.
My grandmother
on my father's side.
I'm quite fluent in Gaelic.
It is the night of moons
on the night of Gladez.
Inspector McLaren,
this is Monsieur Botot...
From Dijon.
How do you do?
I was just telling Sergeant Yard
about my father-in-law's sister
on my sergeant's side.
You go round the back.
At last.
My own house,
my own swimming pool.
My own 38-23-38.
Telegram.
Read it to me.
"Dear Chief Commissioner,
happy birthday.
Hope you enjoy
the 3,000 pounds of Jell-O."
3,000 pounds of Jell-O?
There must be some mistake.
Where would I put
3,000 pounds of Jell-O?
Besides, only Clouseau
would be stupid enough
to send me
3,000 pounds of Jell-O.
Hello, yes?
This is Inspector Drummond
of Scotland Yard.
I know it's late.
I hope I didn't wake you up.
It's quite all right.
In fact, you did me a favor.
Who is it?
What can I do for you,
Inspector?
It's about Inspector Clouseau.
Ml5 called and reported
that Libyan agents heard a rumor
that there might be
an assassination attempt
against Clouseau.
Really?
Who else wants to kill him?
I mean, who is behind it?
We don't know, but it comes
from a reliable source.
We've told Clouseau,
but he just laughed and said...
"'The moving finger writes."'
Finger.
When it's Clouseau,
he could mean anything.
- Do you know what time it is?
- Will you shut up?
No, not you.
- Where is he now?
- At his hotel.
I think you should order him
back to Paris
until we verify this rumor
one way or another.
Under no circumstances
allow him to go to Lugash.
Do you have for me
the message?
- You want a massage?
- If you have one for me, yes.
Why don't you try Tokyo Lil
at the end of the block?
Ask for Passionflower Shirley,
the Yokohama Butterfly.
- Why should I do that?
- You want a massage, don't you?
Yes, but I want it from you.
- Sir, I don't give massages.
- You gave me one this morning.
You're mistaken.
Don't you try the tricks Anglais
with me, monsieur.
I received a message
this morning
from Inspector Quinlan
of the Yard of Scotland.
- The message!
- You gave it to me!
Message.
You mean "message."
I know what I mean,
you lunatic.
Do you or do you not
have for me the message?
No, sir.
For you there is no message.
Grouse-Moor Hotel.
- Inspector Clouseau.
- Leaving?
He just went up
to his room. I'll ring.
Thank you.
Yes? This is
Chief Inspector Clouseau.
Turn your bed down, sir.
Where are you?
Can you hear me?
Yes? You were saying?
Idiot! Can you hear me?
Now then... what was that
you were saying?
Your message!
Your phone.
To the airport, my good man,
and drive like the wind.
Right, sir.
I knew that.
I've got a headache.
I don't want to hear another word.
Every time you get mixed up
with Clouseau...
- That's enough!
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
- You can't.
The same thing I've been doing
every morning for the last two years.
You can't!
I'm sick and tired of you telling me
what I can do and what I can't.
Suit yourself.
I hope you like
the new pool cover you ordered.
I think you made
a mistake, Colonel.
Wrong, and never call me
"Colonel," Colonel Bufoni.
I am now your president
and I am infallible.
It says so
in the new constitution.
That you wrote yourself
when you were still a colonel.
You were a captain,
which you could soon become again.
Yes, Mr. President.
It's just that sending for Clouseau...
...was a stroke of genius.
He found the Pink Panther before.
He will find it again.
Possibly.
And then?
Then... the grateful people
of Lugash will shower me,
President Haleesh, with praise
and honor and their daughters.
And the insurance companies
which have already paid
our government's claim
of $12 million
for the theft of the Pink Panther...
what will they shower you with?
Why didn't you mention this
before I sent for Clouseau?
You didn't tell me till now
that you'd requested assistance
from somebody else's
police force.
Maybe we can withdraw
the request.
Not we, Mr. President... you.
Only you can't.
Clouseau's plane, at this minute,
is winging its way to Lugash.
Perhaps he won't find
the Pink Panther.
Perhaps he won't reach Lugash.
- Colonel, you wouldn't.
- To save my president.
Do what you must, Colonel.
Just don't tell me about it.
The president's conscience
must be unblemished.
You understand
my meaning, General?
As the hand understands
the glove, O Great One.
Try to get control of yourself,
my friend.
Giving in
in this way is not healthy.
If I were healthy,
why would I be here, Doctor?
I was referring
to your blood pressure.
I see. He's such a maniac,
such an idiot, such a fool.
And such a lucky fool.
He would fall backwards
down a manhole
and wind up
in the arms of Brooke Shields.
Now London half in ruins
and Lugash, a helpless desert
country, about to be devastated.
- Get hold of yourself.
- I'm trying.
You don't want to end up
at Happy Acres again.
No, but until Clouseau is
out of my hair,
out of my life forever,
I'm doomed.
I'll never smile again.
Frank Sinatra with the Pied Pipers
and Tommy Dorsey.
I'm falling apart
and you go down memory lane
with your silly jazz.
They know not to interrupt me
when I am with a patient
unless it is an emergency.
- Hello?
- Emergency call for the inspector.
It would seem the emergency
is not mine but yours.
- I have terrible news for you.
- What?
Inspector Clouseau's plane
is missing.
- You are sure?
- Positive. I am sorry.
I'll be right there.
Thank you.
Dr. Longet, good-bye.
You see before you
a man reborn, cured, sane,
sound as a Swiss franc.
- The phone call was good news?
- Wonderful news.
Clouseau's plane is overdue
and presumed lost into the sea
and out of my life forever.
I'm going to wash that man
right out of my hair.
I know...
Mary Martin, South Pacific.
I'm going to wash that man
right outta my hair
I'm going to wash that man
right outta my hair
She's here.
Come in.
I think this is a mistake.
Tell her I'm out of town on a case.
- Do you think that's wise?
- You think talking to her is wise?
You were
his immediate superior.
"Were."
You really think he's past tense?
- It certainly seems possible.
- It would be wonderful.
Sooner or later, a persistent reporter
like Marie Jouvet...
What can I say?
What can I tell her?
That I thought him an imbecile?
That I thought he was
the luckiest man in the world
with the brain
of a retarded clam?
- Of course not.
- Of course not.
You and I know he was an idiot,
but to the rest of the world,
he was the greatest detective
since Sherlock Holmes.
- If I tell the truth...
- Then don't.
He's gone.
Give them the hero they want.
It's no skin off your nose.
But is he gone?
Is he really?
I've got this ghastly feeling
that next week or tomorrow,
I'll open the trunk of my car
or my closet, and... "Peekaboo!"
Even so, I don't think
you have a choice.
What if I don't bring it off?
Where Clouseau is concerned,
my emotions lurk below the surface
like a floating mine.
- Oh, God, I can't do it.
- You can do it.
I can do it?
Yes, I can do it.
No, you do it.
Miss Jouvet.
Miss Jouvet,
how nice of you to come.
Please make yourself comfortable.
Pull up a clam.
How would you describe
Inspector Clouseau?
I've never known
a man like him.
He was... unique.
Could you be more specific?
I could be, but...
To start with,
he was... unorthodox.
- In what way?
- In every way.
- Can you give me an example?
- An example.
Yes. For instance,
to keep himself constantly alert
to any attack,
he instructed his Chinese
manservant to attack him
wherever and whenever
he could.
That's not only unorthodox,
it's bizarre.
- He sounds like a real nut.
- Shut up.
There were rumors
that you and he didn't get along.
I suppose we occasionally had
our... little disagreements,
but when you work
with somebody for 20 years,
you can't always be expected
to see...
...to see eye to eye.
Then you think
he was a good detective?
He was...
I think he was...
You can't just say
he was a...
There are no words
to describe what he really was.
How about "genius"?
That is a word.
- Courageous?
- Courageous?
The president
twice decorated him for bravery.
Right.
That sounds
like a courageous man to me.
Yes, it certainly sounds
that way, hmm?
He was reputed
to be a great athlete.
You have no idea
what an athlete he was.
A karate black belt.
- A black belt?
- An expert marksman.
A born leader.
Inspector, I'm so sorry.
Oh, he's crying.
This is Bruno.
I want a meeting right away.
- Who with?
- Everybody.
Okay, boss.
It was part of your job
to attack him like that?
Oh, yes.
Cato, I'm back on the case!
Now to set the trap,
catch the killer...
...and prove to the world
that Maria Gambrelli is innocent...
of murder.
We'll have to accelerate
our training program.
You must learn to attack wherever
and whenever I least expect.
You must give no quarter.
- Didn't anyone ever get hurt?
- Yes, mostly me.
There was one time, however,
when the Mafia imported a ninja.
The inspector
thought the ninja was me.
Poor ninja.
I know just how he felt.
Now with your boss gone,
no more sneak attacks.
You must be very relieved.
Not entirely.
Sometimes when you do something
long enough, you miss it,
even if it was painful.
What do you think happened
to the inspector?
Beats me.
- Inspector Clouseau's residence.
- Marie Jouvet, please.
One moment, please.
It's for you.
This is Sergeant Duval speaking.
I have that information for you.
Clouseau's former assistant
Hercule Lajoy
is living on a river barge
called The Moth.
- Hercule Lajoy?
- Who wants to know?
Marie Jouvet.
I'm a television reporter.
I know what you are.
Can I come aboard?
I want to talk to you.
- You want answers?
- Of course.
How can I give you answers?
I am taking a nap.
I'll wait until you wake up.
All right.
You're even better looking
than you are on television.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I have the distinct impression
that I was expected.
Clouseau has disappeared.
You are a reporter.
- Elementary.
- Spoken like a true policeman.
A retired policeman.
- May I sit?
- As you choose.
You worked with Clouseau.
Yes, he was unique.
Intuitive, a man
who followed his hunches?
Who can tell
what Clouseau followed?
He was the most successful
man on the force.
Everything I thought
made up a proper investigation...
he did the opposite.
Facts, Hercule.
Facts.
Nothing matters
but the facts.
Without them, the science
of criminal investigation
is nothing more
than a guessing game.
Listen to me
and you will learn something.
The facts in this case are...
the body of the chauffeur was found
in the bedroom of the second maid.
Fact!
Cause of death...
four bullets in the chest.
Fact!
The bullets were fired
at close range
from a.25 caliber
Beretta automatic.
Fact!
Maria Gambrelli was discovered
with the murder weapon in her hand.
The murder weapon was registered
in the name of the deceased...
Miguel Ostos...
and was kept, mark you,
in the glove compartment
of the Ballon Rolls-Royce.
Members of the household staff
have testified
that Miguel Ostos beat...
Careful, you fool.
You've broken my pointing stick.
I've got nothing to point with now.
...have testified that Miguel Ostos
beat Maria Gambrelli frequently.
Finally comes the sworn statement
of Monsieur and Madame Ballon,
as well as all the members
of the staff,
each of them with perfect alibis.
Now then, Hercule,
what is the inescapable conclusion?
Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
What? You idiot. Impossible.
- She's protecting someone.
- How do you know that?
- Instinct!
- But, the facts.
You are forgetting
the most important fact... motive.
- He beat her.
- He was Spanish.
- He tore her dress off.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Would you kill somebody
who tore your dress off?
- I suppose not.
- Of course not.
No, there is no doubt
in my mind whatsoever, Hercule.
Maria Gambrelli is most definitely
protecting somebody.
Find that somebody,
and you have found the murderer.
And I shall find the murderer
before the day is out.
Maria Gambrelli
will tell me who he is.
Yet Clouseau was proved right.
Maria Gambrelli was innocent.
Clouseau was always proved right
at the end of the case,
but on the way, even he
made a few miscalculations.
Now he is lost in the sea.
I admired his successes,
but his methods...
they made a mockery
of everything I knew of police work.
So I quit,
but I have a good life.
I carry a few cargos,
charter to a group of tourists in August
when it gets too hot
to stay in Paris.
Don't you miss it sometimes...
the excitement?
Young lady,
if I missed the excitement,
don't you think
I would bait my hook?
Thank you, Hercule Lajoy.
I like you, and I don't think
you're nearly the hard case
you make yourself out to be.
I like Hercule, too, just because
he is the hard case he seems to be.
If you really want to get
to the bottom of this Clouseau thing,
forget about the ones
on his side of the law.
Dig up some of the crooks
he caught, or didn't catch.
Call again when you're
in the neighborhood!
Thank you.
I may do that.
They only show
the top half of you on television.
- I'm glad the bottom is as good.
- Me, too.
How's business?
- Better.
- Picking up.
Clouseau disappears,
business gets better?
- Sure thing.
- Yeah, boss.
This Marie Jouvet...
- She's snooping around.
- So what?
Who knows? But I think
it's better if we put a tail on her.
Louis, she's no dummy.
- Pick a couple of good boys, huh?
- Done.
When I first met
Inspector Clouseau
about 20 years ago in Cortina,
I had a nasty ski accident.
Unfortunately, Clouseau happened
to be staying at the same hotel.
Sir.
Excuse me.
My leg is caught.
You were married
to Inspector Clouseau.
Yes.
Had you known Sir Charles
before Cortina?
Only casually.
I am willing to bet you
10,000 francs
that the Phantom is in Cortina
at this very moment.
Even, perhaps,
in this very room.
How exciting.
What do you think, Mr. Tucker?
I agree with the inspector.
Ten of his victims have been guests
at Angela Dunning's parties.
- What are you all talking about?
- The notorious Phantom.
I've never heard of him.
The little I've read about him,
he seems to be quite a fellow.
There are few thieves
who are as clever as the Phantom.
Each theft is
completely different and unique,
classic in its conception.
I thought you were working on
the theory that he does repeat himself.
Only as far as Angela Dunning's
parties are concerned.
There is one other duplication,
but that is his trademark,
his calling card, so to speak.
He always leaves
a white monogrammed glove.
Sounds terribly theatrical.
If I were the Phantom,
I'd have chosen my victim already.
Really? Who?
Who owns the most fabulous
diamond in the world?
- I suppose I do.
- The Pink Panther.
Such a prize he could never resist.
He would be bound to try for it.
He'd be disappointed.
The Pink Panther is in my safe at...
Your Highness, please,
don't say it here.
If I'm not being too nosy,
I read that there was some dispute
over ownership of the Pink Panther.
It belongs to me.
It was a gift from my late father.
- I shall never surrender it.
- Why should you?
When the present government
seized power,
they claimed the diamond
was the property of the people.
There's even talk of the international
court deciding the issue.
Why don't I steal the diamond,
leave that glove behind,
and you and I can split the insurance?
All right.
I feel like dancing.
Your Highness?
I'd love to.
- How about you, madame?
- Yes, of course.
- Your leg is better, Sir Charles.
- What?
I say, your leg is better.
Much better, thank you.
Mr. Tucker...
That's my beer.
In May 1964,
you divorced Inspector Clouseau.
- A year later...
- I married the man of my dreams.
Who was that, darling?
That fellow Clouseau accused
of being the notorious Phantom.
Oh, him. You have to forgive her.
She's not very good on names.
- He's terribly attractive.
- But she has impeccable taste.
What made Inspector Clouseau
think you were the Phantom?
An anonymous phone call.
I see.
Come up immediately.
Sir Charles.
The Phantom.
I've really got him this time.
- Of course he was wrong.
- About what?
- About you being the Phantom.
- Of course he was wrong.
Wrong, but persistent.
Persistent he was.
He was convinced I was planning
to steal the Pink Panther.
When Princess Dala
gave a costume ball
at her villa in Rome,
Clouseau was there with his men.
Warm?
Yes. Must be hell in there.
But it's not so good in there.
- Anything suspicious?
- No, nothing to worry about.
My men are everywhere,
mingling here, mingling there,
watching all the time.
How dare you drink on duty!
Who is inside there?
- Sergeant Walter!
- Sergeant Quash.
Go on behaving like this
and I'll have your stripes!
The Pink Panther
was stolen that night?
By a gorilla.
Come back.
It's me!
To my dying day,
I'll never forget that old man
trying to cross the street.
Come on, faster!
Hurry!
What's the matter with you?
Can't you drive faster?
We've been down this street.
Come on.
Quick! This is the road
they have gone up.
Don't argue with me.
I know where they've gone!
George, any idea
how we get out of here?
I don't know. I've been up
this street, that one, that one.
- How are we gonna get out?
- Try the high road.
I'll take the high road,
you take the low road.
- So long, Uncle Charles.
- Ciao, George.
Who taught you
to drive this thing?
I see them!
That's them.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes!
Believe it or not,
for a while,
it looked as though
Clouseau himself was the Phantom.
He was arrested
for having stolen the Pink Panther
and sent to prison.
Tucker!
But he was innocent?
Inept, but innocent.
- Inept?
- Wouldn't you say so, darling?
Not in everything, darling.
He was a terrific sleeper.
- It's hard to believe.
- It's true.
He almost never made a serious
mistake while he was sleeping.
I mean inept.
France's greatest detective?
It does test one's reality.
- Do you think he's dead?
- I hope not.
- What do you think, Sir Charles?
- No.
Men like Clouseau never die.
They're indestructible.
- That's the way it should be.
- Why?
We need them.
They help us preserve
our sense of humor.
They're living proof
that however bad things get,
if you persevere, you survive
and sometimes even win.
So you think determination
was the key to his success?
No question about it.
He was a fool, but he epitomized
the 11th commandment.
The 11th commandment?
Thou shalt not give up.
- I like that.
- I thought you might.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Come and see us again.
- I may do that.
The man of your dreams
is also a Machiavellian charmer.
I know that.
Thank you.
- Good-bye.
- Bye!
- You've just passed the hotel.
- Yes, ma'am.
But that's where I wanted to go!
- You see that car following us?
- What about it?
The two men in that car suggested
I drop you off at another address.
What are you talking about?
It was more like a threat
than a suggestion.
They threatened you?
One of them showed me
his brand-new gun.
Who are they?
You'll think I'm not on the ball,
but I neglected to get their names.
- You realize this is kidnapping?
- Yeah.
I have to be honest with you.
I couldn't come up with an alternative.
You can go to prison for life
for kidnapping.
Lady, the gun he showed me
was a.38 Magnum.
I don't know anything about guns.
That gun makes
enormous holes in things.
I had a choice between kidnapping you
and getting shot with that gun.
To be perfectly frank,
I would look terrible and feel worse
with an enormous hole in me.
Use it where it hurts the most.
Watch this.
Beat that. Miss Jouvet,
how nice of you to come.
- Did I have a choice?
- Actually, no.
Let's go where we can be in private.
- Do I have a choice?
- I just want to have a little talk.
- Watch your step.
- I always do.
Why the B-movie melodramatics?
You could have picked up a phone.
- Would you have come?
- To see the French godfather?
- Bruno, I'm a reporter.
- A terrific-looking one at that.
Take a swim.
Let's make ourselves comfortable.
Have a seat.
- Can I have a drink?
- Do I have a choice?
- Actually, no.
- How about some champagne?
Terrific.
Put a fresh peach in it.
You heard the lady.
Champagne, put a peach in it.
A peach?
Yes, sir.
I never heard of a peach
in champagne before.
Very sexy.
- Make that two.
- Yes, sir.
What happens
if he doesn't have any peaches?
Something very melodramatic.
If it gets to that,
I'll settle for plain champagne.
Marie, you really are
some kind of sensational lady.
- Bruno, there is an old saying.
- What's that?
Never bullshit a bullshitter.
I want you to lay off
on this Clouseau thing.
- Take off your glasses.
- What for?
Then I can see what you're thinking.
I doubt that.
Why do you want me
to lay off Clouseau?
- Because I asked you to.
- That's not good enough.
It should be.
What if I don't?
When I was your age,
I used to sometimes wonder
what it would be like if I suddenly
found a whole lot of money.
- Ever imagine something like that?
- Yes.
I even imagined that someday
someone might try to bribe me
with a small fortune.
- What did you do?
- I was tempted.
That's a good start.
- But I said no.
- Not very bright.
I'm a reporter... for better
or for worse, an honest one.
Tell me why you want me
to lay off Clouseau.
I prefer things the way they are.
Clouseau created a lot of problems.
A smart lady like you
could find out he's still alive.
Or dead.
I might even find out
that someone killed him.
You've got a beautiful face.
Why stick it in where it doesn't belong?
It's my job.
What good is your job
if you gotta do your TV show
from a hospital bed?
I knew you were going to threaten me,
but I didn't know how I was going to react.
- I've surprised myself.
- Is that right?
Instead of scaring me,
you have made me angry.
I can't remember
when I've been so angry!
I'm a member of the press,
and I will not be intimidated
by you or anybody else!
- Now who's being melodramatic?
- You call this melodramatic?
- Wait till I get home!
- What are you going to do?
Faint or throw up. Maybe both.
I won't know till I get there.
- Eight to five, it's throw up.
- You've got a bet!
Sir?
- Gutsy lady.
- Yes, indeed, sir.
- Great ass.
- I didn't notice, sir.
Arthur, there's an old saying...
never bullshit a bullshitter.
Yes, of course, sir.
Yes, a great ass, indeed.
Can I get out now?
I don't think she has
such a great ass.
What do you expect me to do?
- Arrest him.
- On what charge?
- He had me kidnapped.
- Can you prove it?
Ask the taxi driver!
You said it was the taxi driver
who kidnapped you.
Bruno's men forced him to.
They had guns!
- Did you see the guns?
- No, but the taxi driver...
I'm certain that everything
you've told me is true,
but I'm equally certain
that Monsieur Langois will deny it.
- Monsieur Langois?
- What it boils down to...
It boils down to
his word against mine!
Exactly!
And in certain circles,
Monsieur Langois' word
carries a lot of weight.
You are upset,
so I will ignore the innuendo.
Upset or not,
the innuendo stands.
May I suggest that you go home
and forget all about this?
Excuse me.
I shall tell you
exactly where I'm going.
I'm going to my office,
where I shall write my next broadcast
about a Mafia boss
who kidnapped me
and the chief inspector of the Sret
who refused to do anything about it!
In my opinion,
that would be most unwise.
What it boils down to, Inspector,
is I don't trust your opinion.
Miss Jouvet seemed a bit upset.
Miss Jouvet is turning out
to be a real pain in the a...
So far, the incident
hasn't even been investigated.
If Bruno Langois is in the mood
to deny the allegation,
I will be happy
to repeat it on the witness stand.
She's talking about you.
It won't be the first time
that I've been instrumental...
- Lot of guts.
- ... to change his testimony.
I believe even the French
godfather would think twice
about challenging me in court.
As for Chief Inspector Dreyfus,
if he really is the paragon
of police virtue he purports to be,
why hasn't he bothered to find
the taxi driver and interrogate him?
She's talking about you.
It's intriguing, but the more
I find out about Clouseau,
the more
certain interested parties
would prefer that I drop
my investigation.
So far I haven't turned up
anything incriminating,
but obviously I'm rocking the boat
and people are getting nervous.
One thing's sure...
I intend to keep on rocking
until I have an answer for you.
Good night.
Inspector Clouseau's residence,
Cato speaking.
I've gone to Miami Beach
to spend Chinese New Year
with my maternal grandmother.
Leave a message after the beep.
Avon calling!
You?
Regrettably.
Inspector Clouseau's residence,
Cato speaking.
I've gone to Miami Beach
to spend Chinese New Year
with my maternal grandmother.
Leave a message after the beep.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm used to it.
This is Professor Auguste Balls
of Paris.
You Oriental picaroon, you can't
fool me about the plane crash.
He is hiding to avoid payment.
Unless I receive 4,000 francs
by Friday, I'm suing!
Put that in your opium pipe
and smoke it,
you conniving Cantonese!
Who the hell
is Professor Auguste Balls?
Inspector Clouseau's
official disguise maker.
- What's a picaroon?
- A cheat.
- That's great.
- Being called a cheat?
Some of my best friends
are picaroons.
I'm sorry I broke in.
That's okay.
Keeps me in practice.
Can I get you
a cup of tea or something?
- No, thanks.
- I could use an aspirin.
I telephoned before,
and I really thought
you'd gone to visit
your grandmother in Miami.
Miami Beach.
She runs a bingo parlor.
She's a real picaroon!
I thought maybe I'd find something.
- Like what?
- Like this.
Oh, that.
Do you know who these people are?
His parents.
- Are they still alive?
- His father is.
He lives in
the Chteau Clouseau Lamarque.
He's a winemaker.
Swine rabbit.
My Chardonnay.
My Beaujolais.
He wants to try.
What are you doing?
It's good.
It doesn't taste the same
since we lost Fifi.
My missing grape Fifi.
Could you tell me something
about your son?
No. After 4:00...
I can't tell you anything
about my son.
Why not after 4:00?
Because after tasting
the wine all day,
after 4:00,
I can't remember my son,
let alone tell you
anything about him.
It is a miracle
that I remember it is after 4:00.
That felt good.
- Are you all right?
- Of course I am.
I was just checking
that Nanna vacuumed the rug.
Speaking of Nanna...
Fetch Nanna.
Nanna has been with me
61 years.
She was Jacques' nurse.
- Oh, really?
- What?
I said, "really."
I know that.
Because you said Nanna
was your son's nurse.
Mademoiselle, you don't
have to repeat what I said.
I know what I said.
Fortunately, I am not too old
to have lost my memory yet.
Knock wood.
Come in!
What am I laughing about?
I'm not sure I can explain it.
Nanna approaches.
A droite, dog.
- Sant!
- Sant.
How she loves that dog.
Regardez, dog.
My son Jacques Clouseau
was born September 8, 1920.
He had his mother's eyes
and his father's kidneys.
From the very beginning,
Jacques wanted to be a policeman.
He had many setbacks...
...but he was always resourceful.
He was 18
when he entered the university
and fell in love.
The girl of his dreams
married another.
Jacques decided
that life was not worth living.
To whom it may concern...
I find life
no longer worth living.
Fortunately...
...there was a power failure.
Swine lights.
When the Germans invaded France,
Jacques joined the underground.
Swine plunger.
After the war,
he joined the police force,
and the rest is history.
Thank you, Monsieur Clouseau.
It's been most interesting.
- It has?
- Yes.
It helps to round out my tribute.
What do you mean?
Your tribute doesn't need rounding.
You have a great-looking tribute.
- He's alive, you know.
- How do you know that?
He has his mother's eyes
but his father's fortitude.
- I thought it was his kidneys.
- That, too.
A man with such fortitude
and kidneys
must be alive someplace.
- I hope so.
- I knew that.
And so, after leaving
that delightful old man,
who is so firmly convinced
that his famous son is still alive,
I began to wonder...
is it possible?
Mafia boss Bruno Langois
seems to think it is.
Sir Charles Litton feels
that such men are indispensable
and therefore indestructible.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
is so obsessed with the possibility
that he's on the verge
of another nervous breakdown.
Did Inspector Clouseau
really perish in the sea as reported,
or, for reasons as yet unknown,
is he out there someplace
plotting his next move,
waiting to reveal himself
when the time is right?
I am reluctant
to believe that misfortune
has really struck down
such a great man.
Swine seagull.
We must find that woman.
Here's the report.
I will apprehend this culprit
within 24 hours.
Now we are getting somewhere.
You...
That's a priceless Steinway!
Not anymore.
Inspector Clouseau's residence.
- Clouseau?
- One moment, please.
For you.
He is Sir Charles Phantom,
the notorious Litton.
- The Phantom.
- One and the same.
My greedy little yellow pimp.
There is something that I am
very interested to know.
This room looks very...
Back to town!
Follow that car!
Does your dog bite?
Nice doggy.
I thought you said
your dog did not bite.
That is not my dog.
Excuse me. Do you know the way
to the Palace Hotel?
Yes.
Special delivery.
A bomb.
Were you expecting one?
A bomb?!
You fool!
You raving Orient idiot!
There is a time
and a place for everything, Cato!
And this is it.
And another thing!
I was known as the Pavlova
of the parallels.
Yes, it's all coming back now.
I remember it.
That felt good.