Trevor Wallace: Pterodactyl (2023) Movie Script
[announcer on TV]
Trevor Wallace! Clap your hands!
[applause on TV]
Yo! Are you having one of those, like,
deep-in-thought moments
before your little comedy special?
Oh! No! No, I was just...
Apparently, my old art teacher
started an OnlyFans.
- Miss Stone?
- Miss Stone.
- Yo.
- Trevor! You're on in five.
Five minutes, guys.
You're gonna crush it.
- Five minutes!
- Wish I had five minutes with her.
Does she still have that [gurgling
sound] and that [gurgling sound]?
Yeah, Dude.
Call me, Mr. Stone
'cause I'm bricked up
down there.
T, two minutes.
Two minutes, okay?
Two! Two, two, two!
Two minutes!
That was quick.
- Maybe three minutes is quick.
- My ex was right.
T.-Wall, you got an hour.
Hey, everybody,
just chill the fuck out, man.
- Do you, Trev.
- He's drunk.
Scratch out, motherfucker!
You're on now!
- Now?
- On, now. Yeah! Sit down!
- Go, go!
- Now? Right before. Geez! What?
For real!
This happening. now!
- I need my notebook.
- What the movie?
Has anybody seen my notes?
You freaking chill out.
I'm not smoking on your notes.
I'm toking on your jokes.
Ha! You're having a special?
Just like your outfit.
A special from what?
Nordstrom rack.
You should take that
Nordstrom back.
Did somebody say "rack"?
- Boobs?
- Tits?
Those are "woogahs"!
- You guys done yet?
- Can we find some bitches in here?
- Respectfully.
- Find God.
Dude, chill out and hit my vape.
[Trevor[ I'm coming!
[whooshing, crashing]
[static]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
go absolutely insane for...
Trevor Wallace!
[loud cheering]
Let's go, dude.
Why do your hands feel like lotion, dawg?
What in the fucking top gun is going on,
dude?
Austin, Texas.
How we feeling tonight, huh?
[cheering]
Yes, sir.
Yes. Dude, it's good to be here, man.
I knew I wanted to pick this place.
Texas is a special place, man.
[whoops, cheers]
That's enough.
I think it is, uh...
I love this place.
So many characters out there.
I saw this dude.
He had a mask and a mullet.
And I was like, I feel you gotta
pick a lane, you know, that's a...
that's a one or the other
scenario right there.
You can't be like, "I'm scared of Covid...
But I'm not scared to raw dog
my wife
in the back of a Ford F-350,
I'll tell you what.
But it's always good to see my dad.
So...
[laughter]
I knew I wanted
to pick Austin for a special.
It's a fun city.
It's got a mix of everything, man.
A lot of characters out here.
A lot of characters, right?
Checking in at the hotel, right?
As we're checking in, this dude
sees me right and his eyes light up.
And he goes, "Oh, shit.
Trevor Wallace,
I didn't know
you lived here."
I don't think dude
knows how hotels work, you know?
Just no fucking idea, dude.
And he worked there. What an idiot.
Dude, what the hell?
I do think it's beautiful,
but nobody warns you when you,
you know, come here for the weekend
not to stay at Sixth Street.
Nobody tells you that.
Sixth Street is just
a live Grand Theft Auto map.
It is insane.
Just scooters and shooters.
That's all it is.
[applause]
You guys clap for that?
[applause]
Hell, yeah.
Hit that fun.
You're all doing drive-bys on the birds,
dude.
Fuckin' limes and Lugar's, dawg,
out here.
Birds and Beretta's hugs.
It's insane. The behavior, dude.
Today I saw a guy honk at an ambulance.
I didn't even know
you could do that, dude.
Where are you at in life
where you're like, "No,
you shut the fuck up, okay?
No. All right, enough
with the wee-wee-woos.
All right?
We all have our own internal wee-woos.
Go to therapy.
Figure it out."
But that's Texas, baby.
You know?
You guys got guns
and gas stations, brother.
[cheering]
You should be proud of it.
Dude, I went to my first
Buc-ee's the other day.
[cheering]
Electric dude.
You say the word Buc-ee's
three times fast in a mirror,
you just turn into his stepdad.
It is electric.
The whole place just smells
like Mountain Dew and neglect.
I love that place.
Everybody watching at home.
You've never been to Buc-ee's.
You've never been to Texas.
You've got to go to.
It's so unique, right?
You can get anything there, dude.
It's one of the only places in the world
where you can get Copenhagen
and home decor, you know,
What I love about the home decor
is it's almost wholesome, right?
Like it's almost sincere, right?
You start reading it with good intentions,
you know?
It's like, "Yeah, I love my wife...
when she shuts the fuck up."
Some of you guys are like, "Yeah,
I have. that one. It's fire."
You said you worked there.
Where's that Buc-ee boy at?
You?
Are you the beaver?
I don't know.
He got a lot of scrub, dawg.
You been getting
that beaver working there?
What's up? All right, all right.
Why are the bathrooms so clean?
What the fuck is going on in there?
The janitor's just coked up.
"Missed a spot. Missed a spot."
Answer me!
Why are they so clean?
- Somebody works it 24/7.
- [Trevor] Huh?
Somebody works it 24/7.
Somebody works it 24/7.
Yeah, that's methamphetamine, dawg.
Twenty-four hours a day.
[making machine noises]
The second you shit,
he pops out of the toilet.
"I got you. I got you. I got you."
"I got you. I got you."
You don't need a bidet.
That's just Enrique.
I love doing shows in Texas.
I've been touring a bunch
to get ready for this special.
I've been all over, man,
and I just got back from the Midwest
and I feel like we don't
really need that place anymore.
I don't know about... Hear me out.
I was born in Illinois.
Let me talk to my shit.
But, dude, I was out there, dawg,
and I just saw a flock of Amish.
Bro. I spent the rest
of my life in California.
You can't just throw an Amish at me,
not expect me to lose my shit, dude,
It's like seeing a damn Pokemon out there,
you know?
Gotta catch them all.
Do not catch the Amish.
Highly illegal.
But you could just get a Duracell
and you'll win, you know?
I've never seen an Amish live before.
Dude, it's like seeing your teachers
outside of school.
You're like one of us shouldn't be here.
I don't know.
I didn't know what to do. Right.
So I did what any stupid
influencer would do.
I pulled out my phone,
started taking photos of the Amish.
Right? I start posting these photos
on my Instagram story,
not thinking anything of it.
I started getting
all these messages, right.
Not one, not two, but multiple messages
being like, "Dude, you can't
take photos of the Amish.
It's illegal to take photos of the Amish.
You're not allowed
to take photos of the Amish."
And I'm looking at these messages
and I'm like, "Yeah, but how the fuck
would they know? How the fuck?"
The people with no phones.
How the fuck would they know, huh?
What are the pigeons snitching on me?
"Check your Instagram."
How the fuck would they know?
They don't have phones. They have polio.
How the hell would they?
I don't know.
I didn't do much research on them.
But, again, they're not gonna see
this special anyways.
I thought like... Shit,
but, man, I'm jealous of the Amish.
They got to figure it out.
No electronics. That's gotta be nice.
You know, no phone.
Ever try to do a day
without your phone on some wholesome shit?
It gets dark quick, you know?
Because that's what it is.
When your phone is dead,
that's the real you right there.
When your phone is dead, you have to spell
the word "pterodactyl" without using Siri.
That's the real you right there.
You ever seen the word
"pterodactyl" typed out?
Dude, that shit looks like
a strong-ass password.
It is insane.
Even Google is like, "You got to wake
up Jeeve's old ass for that shit."
The word "pterodactyl" looks like
Floyd Mayweather trying to spell "potato."
It's a strong...
And he can beat my ass.
But I can spell "February."
I can. I can.
I don't like how much I'm on my phone.
Yeah, sure, it's part of my job,
but like I don't like how much.
It's all muscle memory.
That's what it is, right?
It's all muscle memory.
Why we check it.
We don't even tend to check it.
We just check it. We always check
whenever we stop doing anything, right?
Walking, talking, driving.
That's why I hate when you stop
next to a cop at a red light.
Because you've got to act like you
weren't about to go on your phone.
You know?
Because you're just sitting
there like a fucking Sims character.
You know?
[laughter, applause]
Don't mind me, Officer.
Just ten-and-two, you know?
The cops just looking at you like, "This
dude for sure has a gun on him."
Y'all got the right to carry out here.
I be forgetting about that shit.
Yeah. Y'all be caring for no reason, dude.
Just 2:00 p.m. at a Whataburger,
just Glocked-up, dude,
"I didn't want pickles!"
And the chef's like "You gonna eat
these pickles, brother."
Again. Dude, I'm from California.
I'm not used to this right-to-carry shit.
The only thing that we carry is opinions.
Okay?
I miss playing The Sims growing up.
The Sims talks you a lot about your life.
[women hooting]
Right.
It taught you shit that
nobody else could, right?
Like the Sims taught me
how perverted I was for sure.
You knew how horny we were growing up
based on how quick you used
to make your Sims characters fuck,
you know?
They had no furniture,
no roof, no windows.
They're banging
in a damn trap house.
You were like,
"Now, fuck in the corner!"
The Sims landlord is still there.
He's like, "Bah bah bah bah bah bah
bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah."
Ha!
"Bah bah bah!"
Fuck-boy Sims.
Dude, they said it couldn't be done.
Dude. My landlord's a fuck-boy.
I hate him. I hate my landlord.
I despise him
if he's watching this right now.
Fuck you, dude,
I don't like my landlord.
He's too young, dude,
He's three years older than me.
My landlord is three years older than me.
This idiot is 19.
I swear to God, I will beat...
You don't really see
a lot of young landlords out there.
You see them on like Pornhub.
You don't really see a lot of young...
Yeah, dude.
A lot of young landlords on The Hub.
Are you kidding me?
"Stepbro's in Escrow."
Yeah. Okay.
Let's see how he gets out of this lease.
I'll tell ya... [muffled sound]
it's a quick...
I wish my landlord was on Pornhub.
Wouldn't it be the best-case scenario?
He's, like, "Trevor, your rent's late."
I'm like, "Is it?"
One, two... Real quick.
My rent just goes up after that,
you know?
Here's the problem,
these young landlords...
And if you have one,
you can agree to this.
These young landlords, they don't care.
They're doing other shit.
They're on their entrepreneur...
Entrepreneur.
They're on their other shit.
They do all these other jobs, right?
Crypto, NFTs, HPVs.
They're doing other shit.
Dude, he doesn't care about my problems,
and that's the biggest problem.
I texted him two Mondays ago.
I was like, "Hey, man,
the dishwasher stopped washing."
That's all I said.
I said, "The dishwasher stopped washing."
And he just texted me back
and said, "They do be doing that."
And that was the whole...
The whole exchange I shared
with this man... "They do be doing that."
Yeah, And you do be fixing it.
Carter. Put the fucking vape down
and fix my dishwasher, you idiot!
Okay?
Why do I have to pay
my rent on Cash App?
Are you in prison? What is happening?
Why are your texts green?
You have an iPhone.
Where are you?
I should have known a bad lease
when I signed my lease on Snapchat.
That's on me.
That's on me.
I didn't put my signature, but like four
of these emojis, like,
"Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah. Fuck yeah."
[high-pitched squeal]
[laughter]
[woman]
Sorry.
You-You... No, don't
say sorry for laughing.
You got that Minnie Mouse...
[high-pitched] Tee-hee! Tee-hee!
No, don't. I don't want
to laugh-shame.
[woman] No, it's not laughing,
it's ticks.
Oh, you have ticks? I'm so sorry.
I'm not trying to be an asshole.
Get her out.
Kidding, kidding, kidding!
I'm kidding.
[laughter]
You bring the ticks. I got the tock.
All right, girl!
[cheering]
It's on! Wow!
The area I live in,
if you're familiar with Los Angeles,
Venice Beach is not great.
This is a perfect scenario
of the neighborhood I live in.
One day my neighbor called me and he goes,
"Hey, don't want to startle you."
A great way to startle me.
Probably the best way to start me, right?
He goes, "Don't want to startle you,
but quick question,
'Do you know the man
out front with the spear?'
I said, "Brian, it is seven
in the morning.
I took melatonin last night.
I don't know what the fuck I am yet."
Dude,
I've been taking melatonin lately.
Everybody tells you how good of a like
the dreams you're going to have, right?
No. These dreams are terrible.
They think you're going to have
the best sleep of your life.
No, these dreams are insane.
Dude, you're having a dream you're
having your ass eaten by a gargoyle.
Nobody tells you about these dreams.
When you wake up,
"I kind of liked it."
All right, cut that part out.
All right... leave it in.
All right. So, my neighbor
calls me and he goes,
"Do you know this man
out front with this spear?"
I go. "No, I don't know this
Doodlebop creature, okay?"
And then I sat
and I was thinking about it.
I was like I didn't know
whether to be more shocked,
that there was a man
out front with a spear
or the fact that my neighbor
just saw a man with a spear
and was like "Yeah, that looks like
one of Trevor's boys right there.
Let me just get him
on the phone real quick.
See if he knows him."
And I do know him.
He's my cocaine guy.
No, I... Actually don't do cocaine,
which is pretty disrespectful
with a nose this big, you know?
You know, what's messed up?
The sides laugh more at that.
Fuck you guys, dude.
The front's like,
"What are you talking about?
It's not that bad, is it?"
Da-donk! "Look at that thing!"
"Look at that thing, dude."
I look like the Seahawks logo.
I know what it is.
Sometimes I walk outside
and wait for the sun to hit.
I can just see the shadow.
I can just tell the time, dawg.
Time for a nose job.
I talk a lot of shit about my nose
because everything else is perfect.
But ever since I've been doing
that nose joke,
I've been starting
to get the same article
in my DMs after shows, right?
It's the same-ish headline,
and it's always like,
"Women are more turned on
by men with bigger noses.
Now, more than ever before."
And I'm reading this headline
and I'm like, "What big-nose dude
wrote this shit?"
Just pecking away this keyboard.
Ladies, You don't want
Nigel Thornberry in this...
Smashing.
You don't want Thornberry.
I don't know where these articles
are coming from,
but that's not what women want.
I've never been with a chick and I sneeze
and she's like, "Oh, fuck, do it again.
He used the whole napkin."
A lot of graffiti in this town.
I saw this on the way here.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Somebody in giant red letters
on a brick wall.
Two words they wrote, "Fuck. Love."
Fuck. Love.
I was staring at that.
I was like, damn, You know
how bad You got a break...
a gangster's heart...
to make them go
to Michaels arts and crafts.
That's insane, dude.
I just imagine him walking in there
like [sobbing]
"They better not be playing any
John Mayer, I swear to God!"
He walks in.
The lady is like, "Excuse me, sir.
What are you working on today?"
He's like, "What am I working on?"
[sniffles]
My fucking cell, dude.
Fuck love. All right?
And fuck that ambulance.
Okay?
Sounds cliche,
but love is tough, right?
You know, I went through a breakup.
I talked to my ex
for the first time in ten months.
She called me out of the blue.
Right. Apparently.
True story.
Apparently,
her apartment complex caught on fire.
So...
Look at God.
You know what I'm saying?
Look at God, huh?
[cheering]
Won't he do it.
No, I did it.
But the point I'm tryin'...
Yeah, me and the spear man.
Hyah!
That's Jeffrey. Had him the whole time.
Dude, he's Amish. I kidnapped him. Okay?
How is he going to tell?
Shockingly, I am a good times with my ex,
which I'm proud of, right?
I always thought it was awkward
when somebody is bashing their ex to you.
Like you've been on a date
and they're just shit-talking their ex.
You're like,
"Girl, I ain't a fucking therapist.
All right?
I'm built like one,
but I'm not a therapist."
This happened me recently.
I was on a date, and this girl
couldn't stop bashing this guy.
She was like,
"He was such a piece of shit.
We lived together for four years.
All he'd do was wake up at 2:00 p.m.,
smoke weed and play Call of Duty."
Yeah. What a loser.
I don't...
But it on the inside, you're like,
this guy is a fucking legend.
What? What is his gamer tag?
Jesus Christ.
This guy's gonna be
a great stepdad one day.
You know what that joke reminds me of
is the one thing I do miss about Trump.
Relax. The one thing...
The one thing I miss about Trump
is, probably, his shit-talking skills,
right?
I miss his shit-talk, Dude,
Trump's shit talking was electric.
Dude, Trump talks shit
like he spent every morning
hanging out with thirteen-year-olds
on Xbox Live, you know?
I think he just
had a headset on mute.
Just pen and paper.
Just writing shit down.
I didn't even know that was a word.
How do you spell "Ba-dussy"?
How do you?
[imitating Trump]
What a "ba-dussy"!
All right. Moving on
I got nothing bad to say about Joe.
But you just know...
You just know... everything in his pantry
has expired for sure.
You got cream of wheat
from '88 in that bitch.
He probably has the original
Four Lokos in there, you know?
He's saving a few for Hunter,
you know?
"You've been pretty calm this week.
I'll change that. Hyah!"
First of all, if you don't know
what a Four Loko is,
congratulations on having
a clean criminal record.
I'll say that.
Dude, I've never felt older in my life
than trying to explain
to a 20-year-old what a Four Loko was.
Because we never had to explain.
It was just an experience
you couldn't even explain, right?
He was like, "What was it?"
I was like, "It was alcohol and caffeine."
And then he was like, "Then what?"
I was like, "Nobody knows."
You just wake up the next morning
with a text from your friend,
like, "Dude, you fought a
Walmart greeter."
Again?
Dude, I was playing
Xbox Live during the pandemic.
I hadn't played in, like,
15 years.
I was excited to play Xbox Live,
you know, talk some shit to some kids.
You know what I'm saying? Therapy
is getting expensive, right?
So, Texas, what therapy is...
I was excited to talk some shit to these
kids, but I forgot who these kids were.
You know, the first game I hopped on,
I'm ready to talk my shit,
waiting for somebody to act up.
And all of a sudden this kid sneezes into
his headset. I'm, like, target acquired.
I hit him with the classic,
something I really knew, right?
I hit him with the classic.
I was like, "Shut the hell up
or I'm gonna fuck your mom."
And then it got quiet.
Any then he went, "Oh, yeah?
Then what?"
I don't know. Have her home by eight.
Dude, I don't know.
That's your mom, dude.
She's gonna tuck you in tonight.
I'm trying to spread them legs.
Not that family, okay?
I did live with my ex during the pandemic,
and I think if you live with any
significant other during the pandemic,
you know, you'd argue over anything.
Times were tense.
Argue over anything, right?
Somebody sneeze too loud
and you're like,
"I'll leave this family right now."
She's like, "Trevor.
We don't have a family.
Maybe you fucking stop sneezing.
We would, okay?"
I remember, one time,
the funniest argument we got in,
which now we can laugh about,
the funniest argument we got in
is one time I went up to her and was like,
"Hey, I want to try this position...
sexually,"
and she looked at me
dead in the eyes,
and she goes,
"You've been watching too much porn.
I was like,
"Okay, hot take, all right."
I don't know if you know this, but porn is
the number one streamed form of media,
on my phone,
so don't... don't come at me.
Dude, this is pandemic time.
Everybody's porn intake was up, right?
Remember that month when porn up
just dropped a month
of free premium porn on all of us?
[man]
Whoo!
Oh, 20% of the room?
Yeah, okay.
Every dude is next to their girlfriend,
like, "I do not remember that month.
I do not remember.
I don't remember the last time I smiled."
Dude, that was the Lord's stimulus check
right there, dude.
That was the Big Dog upstairs
being like, "$1200?
That's cute. Here's Lisa Ann
in 8K. Figure it out."
She's stuck in a dishwasher.
Here comes the landlord.
Pandemic times, right?
You know, you're watching too much porn
when every letter
on your keyboard was dangerous.
You know?
Right? Like, every dude's biggest fear
is that his girlfriend's phone dies
and she's like, "Babe,
can I borrow your phone?
I just want to Google
the nearest Panera Bread."
You're like, "Anywhere but Panera,
please. I don't.
Just hit the space mark
before you do anything.
Fuck. I'll cook. I'll cook. I'll cook."
I was down bad
during the pandemic.
I was responding to
like instagram bots and shit.
Because every time I post a video,
they're the first to comment, right?
Desperate. They're the first to comment.
And they'd be, like, "Lol.
So hot, So sexy, so funny."
I'll just be, like, "You mean it?
Be for real girl. Or Russian hacker.
Whoever you are.
I'll tell you what,
man, I do think I was watching
a lot of porn during that time,
and I knew I was because
it was the same time that I was moving.
So, I was on so much Pornhub
and so much Zillow.
That the two websites
just started to blend.
And I don't know what was what.
I was on Zillow bricked-up, dawg.
I'm reading these headlines like crazy.
My shirt's coming off, dude. it's like,
"This two-bedroom beauty won't last."
I don't think I will either, dude.
It's got a two-car garage.
I can park my nose in it.
So, I'm banned from Zillow.
But that started an argument.
The fact that I said I wanted
to try this position, right?
But, then, the next day,
the sweetheart of a lady, she is.
She came up to me.
She goes, "Hey, sorry, about yesterday,
but guess who's been watching porn?"
I was like, "Hopefully, you or else this
is a weird story, you know?"
And she goes, "Yeah, I have. Now,
I want to try something with you."
And I'm like, [speaks foreign language]
Lean in, girl, what do we doing?
What are we doing?
Let's ball this blast!
What are we doing?
I'll shut down Zillow right now.
Okay, I got a 2:30 showing.
Don't mess with me.
I will go.
And she goes, "I saw something really hot,
and I want to try it with you."
I go, "Okay. What is it?"
She goes, "First things first.
I'm gonna get out of the vibrator."
I go, "Well, I'm not looking good
for your boy, okay?
I don't...
Not really trying to be backup QB
tonight, you know?
Hut! Hut! Psych!
I'm out of here, dude.
She goes, "No, it's a whole thing.
It's a whole thing
that I want to
be involved with you."
And I go, "Okay, what is it?"
She goes, "I'm gonna use
a vibrator on myself. Right?
Then I want you, Trevor,
go right next to the vibrator...
Go right next to the vibrator,
do a little lickety-lickety."
And I was like, "All right,
Yeah, that checks out."
And, now, all 1200
of you are looking at me.
"I don't think that does.
I don't think that does."
What the hell do I know?
I get hard to housing websites.
I don't know these things.
Dude, I went right next to the vibrator,
and after being next to this thing...
[making vibrating sounds]
After being next to this thing
about five seconds,
and just slowly giving
myself second-hand CTE...
[making vibrating sound]
Dude, I realize I'm not doing shit
next to this thing, okay?
I mean, this vibrator was going so fast,
you could froth a Frappuccino down there.
Meanwhile, I was next to it,
giving it my all,
just looking like
the damn Tootsie Pop Owl.
[imitating Tootsie Pop Owl]
A one! A two!
A three! Four!
[applause]
Dude, I left the room at one point.
She had no idea I was gone.
I walked back in the room.
I was like, "Fuck, dude,
robots are taking our jobs."
My ex had a little bit of a stutter.
She still does, but I...
I don't know, dude.
I like dating a girl with a stutter.
I thought it was cute.
I thought it was wholesome.
It was fun. You know, also,
like dating a girl with stutter
'cause I would, like,
never lose an argument.
Hear me out. That's insane.
Okay, that's fucked up, all right.
You've got to understand. It's not
like I was looking for the stutter.
Okay, It's not like I'd run in the room
and kick her shins,
"Pronounce Saturday!"
And then just run out.
"Now, 'pterodactyl! Hyah!
The reality of the stutter
is it wasn't every word.
Sit down. The reality of the stutter.
It wasn't every word.
It was only when she was, like,
really mad or upset with me,
which was daily.
And I just think that I...
I'm too immature to hear
and not say anything, all right?
So, she'd be yelling at me. She's like,
"All you care about is yourself.
You're so conceited.
You're honestly just being such a
[stuttering] da-da-da da-da"...
And, then, I would just be, like,
"Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do!"
[stuttering continues]
Drop the bass.
[imitates synth bass]
Dude, bottle-service girls
started coming out and shit.
Steve Aoki kicked in the door,
caked in the face.
The Kia Soul hamsters pulled up.
Whoa!
"We're on so much Molly
right now!"
Why are we giving hamsters Molly?
Answer me!
No. Why don't we...
And I know that sounds like a messed-up
joke, partially. because it is.
But she didn't care.
She heard that joke a bunch
because for her, It was funnier
to watch media with her stutter
than for her to have it.
She was used to it. It would throw me
off at random time, so I'd forget it.
Like every time we ever did the sex...
which was a lot.
It was an average amount.
But...
I would just forget, right?
So, every time we're making
that sweet love...
I just never knew
if she was having an orgasm.
[woman squeals]
Or just trying to say the word O'Reilly's.
So I'd just be putting
in that work, you know?
And she'd be, like, [moaning]
Oh-Oh-Oh O'Reilly's
auto parts!
Ow!
[cheering]
Yeah.
Thank you. That's a joke for anybody
who doesn't have Spotify Premium. So...
So now I'm dating.
I'll be honest.
I'll be very vulnerable to you guys.
I feel like I've been bombing
a lot of dates lately, right?
Because it's a first date, right?
You know, it's I think
what it is on the first date
is you can feel that moment
where somebody loses interest, right?
It's a big shift in energy
when somebody loses interest, right?
"I have a husband." Whatever it is.
Right? But you don't have a daddy.
You can feel...
that first date energy, right?
It's really hit or miss, dude, you know?
And I feel like, whatever,
when things aren't going well,
like things are going south.
I tend to panic
and I only know
how to, like, cope with comedy,
which is never the answer,
but it's more fun, you know?
This girl recently,
she was telling me about her family,
and she's, like,
"Yeah, my dad sells blinds."
And I was, like, "The people?"
And you would have thought...
On stage, not a bad joke.
Let's be honest.
At the Olive Garden,
not so much, dude,
I was no longer family
after that shit,
and everybody's family
at the Olive Garden.
I think what it is,
it's that first date in energy.
You're going to say something stupid.
It's inevitable, right?
One time, on the date this girl told me,
she goes, "I love to read.
I can read really fast
and I can read really good."
I was like, Is this a quote from Ricky
Bobby? What are you saying to me?
What in the shake and bake is going on?
The full quote, she said,
she goes, "I love to read.
I can read really fast
and I can read really good.
The only problem is, every time I read,
I can never remember what I just read."
I was like, "Well, that's not reading."
Okay, you're lookin' at books,
but you're not reading anything.
I picture her just like
running through a library.
Like, "I'm learning so much right now!"
Just slams the dictionary on her forehead.
"Pterodactyl!" Keeps running.
This might be a hot take,
but I think it's harder to date
in 2023 as a man
than it is a woman.
- Whoa!
- [man screams]
That guy's never had sex.
That was crazy.
[applause]
Either that or that dude
has been ghosted religiously, dawg.
He had the Holy Spirit in there.
Whoo!
Damn, bro.
Betterhelp.com.
promo code: sauce.
I only think it's harder
to date now as a man
because there's more turnoffs
in men than there ever has.
With all these red flags
and these ick-lists
and all these weird things
get turned off by.
They don't even make sense anymore, right?
I think a turnoff now
is different than a turnoff,
like, five years ago, right?
Like five years ago,
a turnoff in a man
would be like he has two ankle
monitors and maybe another family.
But even there's some girls in this crowd
that are, like, "I do love a family man."
And he's on house arrest,
so he can't leave and cheat, you know?
But like now, a turnoff is so
specific, they don't even make sense.
They're random. It's, like, one time I saw
him drink a water bottle with two hands.
What type of pussy shit?
You can't hold a Dasani, Derek,
you can't hold me, all right?
It don't make sense.
It's like one time she sees you
use a blinker to turn into your driveway
and she's like, "Aw, get me out
of this car! You live in a cul-de-sac!"
Kevin, what is happening?
Who are you blinking to? Other women
you want to have sex with?
And, then, you're just...
you're disgusted by us.
You ghost us.
We have no idea what happens.
And we just get "got."
I recently got "got."
I was on a date,
and I was just, like,
"Yeah, I just love carrot cake."
And she was like,
"What did you just say to me?"
The whole restaurant turned. Even
the blind dude is like, "You fucked up."
And, then, I looked at the blind dude,
and I'm like,
"I'm over here, you know?"
Still blind.
You know?
Dude, that's a true story.
I ordered carrot cake.
Let's be honest,
there couldn't be a more
carrot-cake-looking
son-of-a-bitch than your boy.
All right? Look like my safety word is
"cream cheese." Okay?
I ordered carrot cake,
and she goes, "Oh, I thought
you would have just ordered
something manlier."
Yeah, my date was Joe Rogan.
Should have said that.
But...
I was so confused by that comment.
Like, how do you make
dessert manly? What?
Yeah. Just put some Nutella on
your knuckles and crack me in the face.
Low-calorie, high-impact,
you know?
Also, she saw me
walk into the restaurant.
There's no way she looked at me
and thought
that I would do
something like manly, right?
Like, I'm built like a Go-Gert.
I don't know what to tell you.
Too much laughter.
Fuck you all, dude.
[laughter]
I was so thrown off by the comment,
"I thought you'd order something manly,"
because, like, it's dessert, right?
It's dessert. I thought that was
the one part of the meal
you could be a little, you know.
I thought that was...
It's dessert.
Put a cake pop in my ass.
Who gives a shit?
I do think it's partially my fault
that she said that because when the waiter
put the dessert menu down,
I went, "Ooh, carrot cake!" And you can't.
You've got to leave the spirit fingers
back home, fellas.
You gotta holster those bad boys.
You wait till you get back
to your Miata for, "Carrot cake!"
The guy next to you in the Silverado
is like, "Red Velvet!"
Start making out.
To be very honest
because I had some red flags at her,
but I didn't even think
about it, all right?
Like I should have known
that we weren't going to be compatible
the second I heard her
pronounce the "L" in "salmon."
"Sal-mon"?
No, I went to third grade, okay.
I may have went twice,
but I still went.
All right?
You want me to date "Sal-mon Sara"?
No, we're not doing this, okay?
It's "salmon," right?
The waiter was walking by
and she lunges out.
She's like, "Excuse me, sir.
How's your guy's sal-mon?"
Never seen a waiter burn-out before,
right? But this dude comes to a halt.
He looks up from his notepad
and he looks at her,
takes a second and then looks to me
and then looks right back at her
and I'm, like, "Hell, yeah, dude,
The waiter is on my team."
Okay?
He has dealt with a speech
impediment before, right?
And he had, he clearly had.
He's a legend, right?
He goes, "Miss, uh, ha,
our salmon, [clears throat]
our salmon...
Sorry, there's something in my
[clears throat] salmon in my throat.
Our salmon is fantastic.
People love our salmon on yelp."
And then he took two steps,
looked at me and said,
"Watch this," and said, "Salmon."
Threw it at her one more time, right?
And I swear to you,
the girl I'm with goes,
"Perfect. Sal-mon it is."
And she looks at me
and she goes, "What do you think?"
And at this point,
the restaurant's in a damn uproar.
Okay? People are flipping tables,
dude.
The fish are stabbing themselves.
The blind dude just got up and walked out.
No cane.
I had to repeat the question to myself
to make sure I wasn't losing my mind.
I was like, "'What do I think?'
To be very honest with you right now,
you're a very nice lady,
but this is where we draw the line.
I think that I... would love a shot
at possibly getting laid tonight.
So, I too will have the Salman.
Yeah!"
You guys got any Mer-lot back there,
by chance?
No Mer-lot? Cham-pag-ne it is, baby!
I'm feeling bou-gie tonight, you know?
Bring out the fil-et mig-nons!
Oh, put the credit card down, honey.
This is on Papa's recei-p-t tonight!
Eating like a damn
"p-terodactyl."
Yeah, I mean, I love
a good like dinner date,
but like, honestly,
there's nothing better
than just, like, Taco Bell
alone in your car.
[hooting]
It's the best.
You know what I love is...
[man]
Whoo!
Still hasn't had sex,
but... fucked chalupa.
All right. What I love...
Talk about alone, man.
Just, you know what I love about
Taco...
They don't ask any questions.
No, dude, In-n-Out
been asking questions lately.
Is this for the car?
Is this to go? Is this for home?
Shut the hell up.
You have a canoe on your head, okay?
I'll be asking the questions today.
I was having Taco Bell
the other night,
and I was looking
at the hot sauce packets.
I don't know about you guys,
but don't you feel like the writing
on the on the hot sauce packets
isn't as like edgy as it used to be?
It used to be so cool.
It used to be wild. It used to be
one word away from a Kanye tweet.
It was insane.
But I just miss when you just grab
a random packet and you read it
and be like, "The only thing hotter
than this sauce is your chlamydia."
Oh, sh...
And that was just on the mild packet,
you know?
The Diablo Sauce was
just a QR code to "Two Girls, One Cup."
You guys thought you forgot
about that video, didn't you?
A question for the ladies.
[women scream]
Ladies. How do you feel
about the "Three Date Rule"?
You gotta go on three dates with man
before you sleep with him.
- [woman] No!
- DM me. All right. I don't...
[applause, laughter]
I just put the mic down and leave.
No, but it's very common.
You've all heard of that.
You go on three days with a man
to make sure they're not like
a serial killer or, like, drive a Subaru.
Like all the qualifiers.
I'll get to y'all later,
"Suby-gang."
You go on three dates, right, before.
You kind of feel them out.
That's a good amount of time, right?
But the funny part is, guys,
we're so confident.
We think it will happen on any date.
You know, like it doesn't
matter where we take you.
We could take you to a Topgolf
and be like,
"Wait till she sees this seven iron,
you know?"
"195. Not even my own club.
Yeah, okay."
But in reality,
it's not our say, right?
What every date is, essentially,
what every night is,
is just like a woman
holding a tennis ball, right?
just like a woman holding a tennis ball.
And we're just a dog that's just like...
Are you gonna fucking
throw that thing, lady?
And, ladies, you're like
"Ha! Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you wanted tonight?
We're like, "Fucking yeah! Throw
the goddamn ball! Jesus Christ!"
It's like,
"Okay, I'm gonna throw it tonight.
Ready? Three, two, one."
[grunts]
"Fucking psych!
It's right here!
It's right here, you idiot!"
But we already went taking off, right?
We're like, "Whoa!"
[voice trailing off]
"You didn't throw it?
That's crazy.
That's crazy
you didn't throw the ball.
Split the check.
That's crazy.
Nothing that's ever happened.
I am doing all right.
You know, it took a little bit
to get back after the relationship.
I'm doing all right. You know, I recently
hooked up with a girl with scoliosis.
Turn up. I...
First date, she was like, "Scoliosis."
I was, like, "Word I'm a Capricorn."
Compatible.
She told me on the first date
she had scoliosis,
but we didn't hook up
until the fifth date.
Tennis ball was full, you know.
But that next morning
when we did hook up. She stayed over.
The next morning, she rolls over to me
and she's rubbing her lower back.
And she's, like, "Oh my, God, Trevor.
My lower back is killing me."
And I'm so dumb. I'm like,
"Fuck yeah, it is."
[laughter]
"How long has that shit been hurtin'?
Since, like, midnight, girl?"
And she was like "Eight years."
I was like, "Shit. What was his name?"
Jesus Christ.
It is very funny
how insecure guys are
that we, like,
look for a compliment
even if you don't give us one.
Like, ladies, you do anything different
after a hookup,
we'll find a way to
revert it back to us.
Like after a hookup,
you could just be sitting
on the bed and you sneeze.
We'll be like, "Just say it.
Just say it.
You allergic to that dope dick, girl?
Just say it!"
And she's like, "No, pollen."
"Who the hell is 'Colin'?
Who the hell?
Is that the guy that hurt your back,
dude?"
I don't know.
We're all dumb. All guys are dumb.
You know, I used to think an IUD
was an insurance company.
I don't know these things.
She's like,
"You don't need a condom. IUD."
I was like, "Kaiser Permanente."
You know? Are they hiring?
I did see on Snapchat News...
So, you know, it's real...
I did see on Snapchat news that they are
coming out with male birth control.
Dude, freaking turn up.
[hooting]
I'm excited for male birth control.
Notice how he didn't
"whoo" on that.
Hasn't had sex. All right?
Kidding. Kidding.
I'm excited for male birth control.
One for the science, definitely.
I'm also excited for male birth control
so I can, finally, for once,
be the bad bitch at the restaurant
whose birth control alarm
is always going off.
Yeah. Every girl in here
has a girl in that group.
There's always 8:00 p.m. going off.
Awesome, Kim Possible shit, okay?
She knows
when to take her birth control.
All she wants to do is just flex
on a room of idiots that she be fucking.
That's all it is.
Everybody in a thirty-yard radius
hears it,
and they get let in on
that you do the sax.
And you don't think dudes aren't going
to take advantage of that shit?
Bro, Buffalo Wild Wings
at 9:00 p.m.
is gonna be going off, dude.
And I'm not using
no basic Apple alarm, dude,
I'm gonna have a custom one
going off every four minutes, dude.
It's gonna be, like,
Ooh! [screams] you know?
I'm down with the sickness, dude,
Every guy was like, "Was that me or you?
Was that me or you?
Was that me or you?"
Naw, mine's bodies hit the floor.
Nice, dude, nice.
Nice. Can I borrow a two-dollar bill?
I need to go snort my BC, dawg.
It kicks in faster.
I don't know a lot of stuff
about medical stuff.
I hate the doctor.
I have a beef with my doctor.
Fuck my doctor
if you're watching this too.
That's for you, dawg.
Here's why I got to beef with my doctor
is one time my doctor told me, he goes.
"I don't know how to tell you this, Trev,
but you have a smaller pee hole
than the average man.
I said, "Run that back,
Goldstein. Run that back.
What did you just say to me?"
He goes, "Nothing to be alarmed about.
You just have a slightly smaller pee hole
than the average man."
I was like, "Cool.
But what the fuck...
does this have to do with me
getting reading glasses?
What is this?
Also, we're at Costco.
Can I pull my pants up now?
It's not a sample. Get out of there."
I don't know what it is,
but when you get out of a relationship,
the one person that comes
to your forefront with dating advice
is your one friend who's been single
for like fourteen years.
I don't know why that is, right?
That guy in my life
is one of my best friends, Jaxon.
Right, Jaxon, But he spells it
with an "X." "Jaxon." Yep.
Whatever you're picturing
right now, that's him.
Add a puka shell necklace,
you got him, dude.
Looks like he was voted most likely
to vape at a funeral type of vibe.
And he did.
At my grandpa's, dude. It was sick, dawg.
We released the dove,
he released an "O." It was epic.
It just smelled like Cinnabon
the whole funeral.
Even my grandpa was like,
"Hold up! Let me hit that shit."
But he was trying to give me
all this dating advice.
He's like, "Dude, you're gonna be
in your head on these dates
because you're gonna be comparing who
you're going to date with your ex, right?
So, I got a life hack for you.
Don't drink beforehand.
Don't smoke beforehand."
Drinking before a date I get
but smoking before a date.
That's insane.
Just sitting there high as hell.
Haven't said a word in eight minutes.
Just airdropping
my thoughts to a breadstick.
Passed her a note that says,
"Am I blinking too loud?"
Dude, I've never been good with weed.
The first time I ever bought weed,
I was in eighth grade on 4/20.
Legend. Thank you.
I was in eighth grade
on 4/20 I bought a gram.
And it just turned out to be a gram...
of oregano.
But, dude, I ain't no bitch.
I smoke that shit dry, dude.
I smoked a gram of oregano, right?
And all my friends were looking at me
like, "Dude, how do you feel?"
I was like "Italian," you know?
I was fucking...
I was off the gabagool,
you know what I'm saying?
So I go,
"What? Just show up to the date.
Don't drink. Don't smoke. Easy."
And he goes, "Nah, life hack."
First of all, anytime a dude
wearing double puka shell necklaces
says he has a life hack,
he doesn't, okay?
This idiot tried to Snapple it
at best, right?
He goes right before the date,
to get out of your head,
the best advice for you,
right before the date...
Right before... His words, not mine...
He goes, "You gotta rub one out."
You gotta rub one out.
And that is the worst advice
you could give anybody, not just dudes.
Rubbing one out before a first date
is like winning the lottery on the way...
to a job interview.
[cheering]
'Cause, I mean,
you're just sitting there like...
[groans] Ah-ha.
I don't really need this shit anymore.
I'm-a work from home tonight.
So...
Dude, that's real shit.
I smoked oregano. I had no idea.
I don't know what it was
about my hometown,
but we were always trying
to get high on anything
but actual drugs that check out.
Was that just a California thing?
Were you guys doing out here? Right?
[man]
Whoo!
All right. There we go.
What were you smoking on?
Fleshlights?
Dude, funny enough, right?
The first time I ever tried
to get real messed up on something
I was in seventh grade
and I tried to get high
by taking nine Advil.
Seventh grade. Nine Advil.
Dude, nothing even happened.
I just didn't have a headache
for, like, four years.
My friends were like,
"How do you feel?"
I was, like,
"Relieved, I guess. I don't..."
Dude, my cousin tried to pitch me
on whippets, right?
But the way he told me
about it was, like,
very like sales pitchy, right,
which I thought was interesting.
He's like, "Dude,
do you ever want to get real messed up?
You ever want to get real messed up?
All you need is a can of whipped cream.
All you need is a can of whipped cream.
It's the quickest, fastest high.
Plus, it doesn't show up on drug tests."
I was like, "Cool, I'm eleven,
so, I don't I don't know...
what drug tests are running
at the hopscotch courts...
but I think I'll be all right.
And then I remember that, right?
All you need is a can
of whipped cream, right?
And I remember one night
I got really pissed off at my dad
because me and my dad
beefed a lot growing up
because he had dumb-ass
punishments for me.
Right? He had weird punishments.
Maybe guys had this shit out here.
But to punish me
instead of like hitting me
or charging money
or put soap in my mouth,
my dad used to do petty shit.
When my dad used to get mad at me
for a punishment,
he would take my bedroom door off.
Yeah. He would turn my room
into a Jeep.
This son-of-a-bitch.
Then he would walk away with the door
and just throw up the Jeep.
"Wrangle this, pussy! Ha-ha!"
You guys know Jeep owners
have a wave, right?
I think every car should have a wave
that would make these streets
so much more fun, you know,
to give every car a wave.
You could look for it.
It'd be so much fun.
Be a great game, right?
Like two Chevy Camaros
fly past each other.
They both just hold up divorce papers.
That'd be sick!
Dude, two Subarus pass each other,
they hit him with the handshake.
They fuckin'... [groans]
Just a quick one. Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't get your Patagonia's in a bunch.
So, my dad took my door off,
so, to retaliate.
I went downstairs
and I was like, "You know what?
Whippet Wednesday. Let's go!"
It was Saturday,
but let me have this, right?
I'm holding this can
of whipped cream, right?
About to do my first whippet.
I said that out loud,
"I'm about to do a whippet."
Said it to my cat and, um...
My cat's like, "Meow, I don't know
what the fuck's going on, dude.
I got nine lives. You don't.
Fuck around to find out."
And I did. I did find out.
I'm sitting there, fired up,
ready to do my first whippet.
And I was holding this can
of whipped cream,
I realize he never told me how to do 'em.
So, I just sat there and ate...
an entire can of whipped cream.
But, dude, I was eleven.
I had no idea. I was sitting there
with all these high hopes.
Like any minute now, dude!
And, then, four hours later,
I was just shitting my brains out.
Finally worked.
You ever do so many whippets,
you find out you're lactose intolerant.
You ever do that?
I didn't know that
wasn't how you weren't
supposed to do whippets
for, like, five years.
So, that's just what I thought
It was, right?
It's like every Thanksgiving I walk
downstairs and I just hear my mom makin',
you know, some pumpkin pie,
and I would hear that Reddi-wip.
[makes rattling sound]
I come scurrying downstairs.
Oh, shit, girl.
Turn up, Cheryl!
Jesus Christ, I didn't know.
We were getting after it. BRB.
I'll grab the oregano, girl.
Let's go, shorty.
Let's go, dude.
I don't do this story much,
but my dad is here tonight.
Dad, Where you at?
- [applause]
- Yes, sir.
Damn! They got you
in the G.A. fucking poor, dude.
There he is.
All right.
Now dim the lights.
I'm gonna tell the most embarrassing story
this man has ever told me in his life.
I think I'm pretty fortunate that I've got
a birds-and-the-bees talk growing up.
I don't think a lot of people
are getting that anymore, right?
Clap if you got a birds-and-bees talk.
[scattering applause]
Yeah, that's like twelve percent.
The rest of parents are like, "Go behind
the Buc-ee's and open your eyes.
You'll see.
Yep, those bathrooms
ain't so clean anymore, okay?"
I think the birds-and-the-bees talk
is kind of done, you know,
because I think teenagers
know more about sex
because of the Internet
than adults do, like legit...
Imagine trying to sit your son down
right now and you're like,
"So, when a man loves a woman"...
And he's like,
"What's all this love bullshit?
What are you talking about?
Don't you mean when the pizza boy
finds out she doesn't have
enough money for the pizza?
Don't you mean...
And she wants extra ranch.
It's not a DiGiorno, it's a porno.
Write that down.
Uh...
There's nobody back there.
But, dude, this is a true story.
You can ask him after the fucking show
how much of a psychopath he is, dude.
My dad proposed to my mom
with a foil wedding ring after six months,
and if that doesn't let you know
what part of Ohio he's from,
I don't know what does.
But I love the fuck out of him, right?
I love him. And I love my mom.
They're both here tonight, right?
[cheering]
Yes.
I think they did
a phenomenal job raising me,
but I would say 99.999.
This birds-and-the bees shit
is fucked up, okay?
How my dad told me
about the birds and the bees.
True story. He goes.
"Okay, Trevor"...
First of all,
he told me two weeks ago.
He goes, "First of all,
[laughter]
"Okay, Trevor.
So, your mother has a garage"...
The second said, I was like,
"I don't think dudes ever had sex before."
You know?
"Your mother has a garage"...
And then he doubles down
and he goes, "I, your father,
have a limousine."
A limousine.
[applause]
No, don't clap for that.
He'll whip it out, dude.
He'll fucking...
[screaming, cheering]
No! No!
Dude, that is insane, right?
A limousine. Dude, the fact
we didn't immediately call
Child Protective Services is wild to me.
Also, like, why did he feel the need
to flex on me for that right?
Like I'm not half him. Like,
I can't just look down my waistband
and be like, "I don't know
about that, Chief.
I don't know."
That ain't no limousine.
That's a Toyota Sienna.
My guy, that is a Toyota.
Third row folded down.
But do you know how weird
that made it for me growing up,
that that was in my brain.
It ruined my life, right?
Prom came around, right?
All my friends were like,
"Yo, Trev, Prom's coming up.
Trying to pitch in on a limousine.
You want in on this?"
I'm like, "Yo, you leave my dad
out of the shit, dude.
I will walk, okay?"
[woman]
Love you, Trevor!
I love you, too.
You, too, DM me.
I think...
[woman, indistinct]
Dad, show her the limo.
No, don't do that! Don't do that!
Don't do that!
I've had a lot of fun tonight,
but I want to get serious.
This last portion
get serious with you guys.
I want to get serious.
We've talked about a lot of silly stuff,
and now it's time to talk about
that real stuff, you know, real stuff.
You know?
I wish a dudes
could get dick implants.
[man]
Whoo! Whoo!
[woman]
Whoo!
Yeah, Not that I need it, but...
Nah, I mean it. Hear me out.
I just... No, I think I'm fine.
My penis is like the cord
on an iPhone charger, right?
It like works,
but, like, every night,
you wish you had, like,
three extra inches to give.
You know, like that's...
It almost reaches the bed.
I don't even want dick implants sexually.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Okay? I'm fine with the Sienna down there.
All right?
I don't even want dick implants,
actually, I just want it
because I'm jealous of the moment
that women get to share
when one girl gets breast implants.
I don't know if you've ever been at,
like, a brunch
and a girl shows up with a new rack.
Dude, it is electric, okay?
it'll shut down a damn IHOP.
It's insane, right?
It's a whole event, right?
She walks in. It's a big scene.
She's like, "Oh, hey, girls. I don't know
if you've seen these girls."
Everybody's losing their minds,
you know, everyone's like,
"Whoa! is that what you spent
your stimulus checks on?
Jesus Christ!
But what it is,
is it's this oddly beautiful,
wholesome moment out of nowhere,
because what happens?
She invites all of her
female friends, right?
One by one, single file lines
shortest to tallest,
just to come caress
the bosom, right?
Every dude is looking for a wig.
"I, too, am female.
Yes. Hi. Hi."
The blind guy's back.
"Where's my keys at?
Where's my keys at? Oh, shit.
Am I rock climbing, girl?"
It's this wholesome moment, right?
She lets her friends feel it.
She's like, "Emily. Your turn."
She's going,
"God, they feel so good."
We all know they feel like
a Nerf football, you know?
Do these whistle too?
[makes whistling sound]
Who took a bite out of that one?
The blind guy's like,
"That would be me. That would be me."
Foam.
But, ladies, you have to agree.
It's an oddly wholesome moment
that women get to share
when they get to all
caress each other's bosom.
And every guy's just staring in awe.
Like what?
And just, like, you know,
fellas, I was thinking about.
It's like, you know, we just don't...
[laughter]
We don't have anything like that, dude.
But could you imagine if we did, dawg?
just a couple of dudes out in Applebee's
walking in, like,
"Yo, Jaxon, feel me up."
He's like, "You fucking got it, dude!
Whoa!"
"Dude! Stop! Stop, stop!
I mean, keep going.
But stop, stop, stop!"
Whoo-hoo!
"I don't know we were at Yard House.
Jesus Christ!"
"Yo, Brock, touch his cock!"
"Already did. I got carpal tunnel, dude!"
It's a wholesome moment,
you know?
Just a thought, but...
I think the opposite of surgery
would be much funnier, right?
Because what goes up must come down.
If you can add, you can subtract
I'm just saying shit
because I can, you know?
The opposite surgery
is so much funnier, right?
"Did you hear about Jaxon?"
"No. What's up?" "Like he's going to the
doctor and he's getting a dick reduction."
"What? Come again."
"He never will."
Stupid. Stupid.
"Why is he getting a dick reduction?"
"I don't know, man. He just said
it was hurting his lower calves.
It was just hurting."
He had to bust out
the Life Alert and everything, dude.
I will say this, man, a friend of mine
recently did get a breast reduction. Um...
It was a female and, ladies, If any of you
have ever gotten a breast reduction
or you're going to get a breast reduction,
tell every man you know
and just watch his head explode.
I don't know what it is, but, dudes,
no guy will ever be able
to comprehend the thought
of less breasts, okay?
Our brains, like, can't process.
And we'll never be in favor for it too,
you know?
Like no guy will ever be like,
"Oh, yeah. Congratulations."
Every guy is like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't think that's what the Lord
would have wanted, okay?
God gave you Triple-Fs
for a reason, Miranda."
[woman]
They grow back.
They grow back?
What are they canine teeth?
What the fuck?
Do they actually?
What are you watering them with?
Creatine? What the fuck?
[man]
Whoo!
They grow back.
We need dick reduction now, dude.
Do they really grow back?
[woman]
No.
Let me see you. Respectfully.
No, I can't. That's illegal.
They actually do?
[woman] Yeah. I got it nine years ago.
They're back up two cup sizes.
They're back up two cup sizes.
There is A-cups in here
like, "You fucking bitch!
I would kill for a B."
I would kill for a bump.
My nipples look like a baby bottle pop.
I would kill.
They grow back? God damn.
Yeah. I mean same, same, same.
But did you tell guys afterwards?
No guy was probably, like, understanding.
Were you dating somebody at the time?
[woman]
Yeah. He left me.
He left you?
[laughter]
Unlike the tits,
it didn't come back.
All right!
So, you're single.
But what I'm trying to say...
But, like, guys can't process...
"She's got less tits.
I got to get out of here." Right?
We can't process the thought
of like less breasts, right?
It's like to our brain,
it's like the same thing our brain does.
When we see somebody
like walking on the highway.
Like we will never be able to comprehend
what the hell is going on
when you see somebody
on the highway, right?
That'll never make sense
to anybody, right?
No phone, no gas can.
Just ambition, dude.
Just trucking.
It's just a broken dream
and an Adderall going to war, dude,
Every time I see somebody
walking on the highway,
I'm like,
"Can I walk on the highway, dude?"
This man knows too much.
Does he know how to fix a dishwasher?
But I'll say this
and I'm sure you can agree to this.
It's very simple why a woman
would ever get a breast reduction.
It couldn't be simpler. It's two words.
It's two words. I'll never change.
"My back." That's it.
"My back."
But we're so dumb.
We're like, "Yeah, you're pussy
and you're crack."
Okay, like...
"I've heard the song, Miranda.
All right?
Now is not the time for karaoke."
Okay? Put a rack on your back.
Dude, level out. All right.
Life's about balance, dude.
My neck! My back.
Your titty's under attack.
Fix it, dude. Fix it.
I say all this to say my friend who got
the breast reduction that she posted
about the surgery on her Instagram
and I have her notifications on. Um...
for science.
And she posted.
I don't know this
until reading the caption,
but she started the surgery
with triple-Ds.
Triple-Ds, dude.
Cup size had a damn stutter.
D-D-Damn, dude, these things...
Even my ex was like,
Now, that's a stutter, okay?
They were so big.
She showed me one day.
I think she thinks I'm gay.
I'll take it. She showed me one day, and
my brain just made like cartoon noises.
You know, she went like this,
and I was like, "Wacka-wacka!
What cup size is "Bazinga,"
dude.
But, dude, I was looking through
the comments on the post.
I was looking at the comments on the
breast reduction post because I was bored.
"Horny." Same word.
I was looking at the comments
and I noticed a pattern, right?
I noticed a pattern.
All the comments from women
were very fun-loving and supportive.
Right? My favorite comment
this girl left was, "Yes, Queen."
"Itty Bitty Titty Committee! Whoo!"
A couple melon emojis.
It was beautiful.
I was like, put that shit
on Taco Bell packet, you know?
I had faith in humanity,
and then I saw one comment...
from one dude,
one piece of shit,
who just commented in all capital letters
and just wrote
"UN-FUCKING-FOLLOWED."
And that was it.
[laughter]
Yeah. And then she blocked me.
So pretty pissed.
Austin, Texas. Thank you so much
for letting me come here.
[cheering]
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
DM me. Thank you.
[cheering]
Whoa.
[coughs]
That Trevor Noah guy was funny.
Bro, that wasn't Trevor Noah.
Oh.
That was Trevor Lawrence.
Oh.
Yo, he was the special one.
That's what my
teacher used to call me too.
Miss Stone?
[both]
Miss Stone.
[laughing]
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
Trevor Wallace! Clap your hands!
[applause on TV]
Yo! Are you having one of those, like,
deep-in-thought moments
before your little comedy special?
Oh! No! No, I was just...
Apparently, my old art teacher
started an OnlyFans.
- Miss Stone?
- Miss Stone.
- Yo.
- Trevor! You're on in five.
Five minutes, guys.
You're gonna crush it.
- Five minutes!
- Wish I had five minutes with her.
Does she still have that [gurgling
sound] and that [gurgling sound]?
Yeah, Dude.
Call me, Mr. Stone
'cause I'm bricked up
down there.
T, two minutes.
Two minutes, okay?
Two! Two, two, two!
Two minutes!
That was quick.
- Maybe three minutes is quick.
- My ex was right.
T.-Wall, you got an hour.
Hey, everybody,
just chill the fuck out, man.
- Do you, Trev.
- He's drunk.
Scratch out, motherfucker!
You're on now!
- Now?
- On, now. Yeah! Sit down!
- Go, go!
- Now? Right before. Geez! What?
For real!
This happening. now!
- I need my notebook.
- What the movie?
Has anybody seen my notes?
You freaking chill out.
I'm not smoking on your notes.
I'm toking on your jokes.
Ha! You're having a special?
Just like your outfit.
A special from what?
Nordstrom rack.
You should take that
Nordstrom back.
Did somebody say "rack"?
- Boobs?
- Tits?
Those are "woogahs"!
- You guys done yet?
- Can we find some bitches in here?
- Respectfully.
- Find God.
Dude, chill out and hit my vape.
[Trevor[ I'm coming!
[whooshing, crashing]
[static]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
go absolutely insane for...
Trevor Wallace!
[loud cheering]
Let's go, dude.
Why do your hands feel like lotion, dawg?
What in the fucking top gun is going on,
dude?
Austin, Texas.
How we feeling tonight, huh?
[cheering]
Yes, sir.
Yes. Dude, it's good to be here, man.
I knew I wanted to pick this place.
Texas is a special place, man.
[whoops, cheers]
That's enough.
I think it is, uh...
I love this place.
So many characters out there.
I saw this dude.
He had a mask and a mullet.
And I was like, I feel you gotta
pick a lane, you know, that's a...
that's a one or the other
scenario right there.
You can't be like, "I'm scared of Covid...
But I'm not scared to raw dog
my wife
in the back of a Ford F-350,
I'll tell you what.
But it's always good to see my dad.
So...
[laughter]
I knew I wanted
to pick Austin for a special.
It's a fun city.
It's got a mix of everything, man.
A lot of characters out here.
A lot of characters, right?
Checking in at the hotel, right?
As we're checking in, this dude
sees me right and his eyes light up.
And he goes, "Oh, shit.
Trevor Wallace,
I didn't know
you lived here."
I don't think dude
knows how hotels work, you know?
Just no fucking idea, dude.
And he worked there. What an idiot.
Dude, what the hell?
I do think it's beautiful,
but nobody warns you when you,
you know, come here for the weekend
not to stay at Sixth Street.
Nobody tells you that.
Sixth Street is just
a live Grand Theft Auto map.
It is insane.
Just scooters and shooters.
That's all it is.
[applause]
You guys clap for that?
[applause]
Hell, yeah.
Hit that fun.
You're all doing drive-bys on the birds,
dude.
Fuckin' limes and Lugar's, dawg,
out here.
Birds and Beretta's hugs.
It's insane. The behavior, dude.
Today I saw a guy honk at an ambulance.
I didn't even know
you could do that, dude.
Where are you at in life
where you're like, "No,
you shut the fuck up, okay?
No. All right, enough
with the wee-wee-woos.
All right?
We all have our own internal wee-woos.
Go to therapy.
Figure it out."
But that's Texas, baby.
You know?
You guys got guns
and gas stations, brother.
[cheering]
You should be proud of it.
Dude, I went to my first
Buc-ee's the other day.
[cheering]
Electric dude.
You say the word Buc-ee's
three times fast in a mirror,
you just turn into his stepdad.
It is electric.
The whole place just smells
like Mountain Dew and neglect.
I love that place.
Everybody watching at home.
You've never been to Buc-ee's.
You've never been to Texas.
You've got to go to.
It's so unique, right?
You can get anything there, dude.
It's one of the only places in the world
where you can get Copenhagen
and home decor, you know,
What I love about the home decor
is it's almost wholesome, right?
Like it's almost sincere, right?
You start reading it with good intentions,
you know?
It's like, "Yeah, I love my wife...
when she shuts the fuck up."
Some of you guys are like, "Yeah,
I have. that one. It's fire."
You said you worked there.
Where's that Buc-ee boy at?
You?
Are you the beaver?
I don't know.
He got a lot of scrub, dawg.
You been getting
that beaver working there?
What's up? All right, all right.
Why are the bathrooms so clean?
What the fuck is going on in there?
The janitor's just coked up.
"Missed a spot. Missed a spot."
Answer me!
Why are they so clean?
- Somebody works it 24/7.
- [Trevor] Huh?
Somebody works it 24/7.
Somebody works it 24/7.
Yeah, that's methamphetamine, dawg.
Twenty-four hours a day.
[making machine noises]
The second you shit,
he pops out of the toilet.
"I got you. I got you. I got you."
"I got you. I got you."
You don't need a bidet.
That's just Enrique.
I love doing shows in Texas.
I've been touring a bunch
to get ready for this special.
I've been all over, man,
and I just got back from the Midwest
and I feel like we don't
really need that place anymore.
I don't know about... Hear me out.
I was born in Illinois.
Let me talk to my shit.
But, dude, I was out there, dawg,
and I just saw a flock of Amish.
Bro. I spent the rest
of my life in California.
You can't just throw an Amish at me,
not expect me to lose my shit, dude,
It's like seeing a damn Pokemon out there,
you know?
Gotta catch them all.
Do not catch the Amish.
Highly illegal.
But you could just get a Duracell
and you'll win, you know?
I've never seen an Amish live before.
Dude, it's like seeing your teachers
outside of school.
You're like one of us shouldn't be here.
I don't know.
I didn't know what to do. Right.
So I did what any stupid
influencer would do.
I pulled out my phone,
started taking photos of the Amish.
Right? I start posting these photos
on my Instagram story,
not thinking anything of it.
I started getting
all these messages, right.
Not one, not two, but multiple messages
being like, "Dude, you can't
take photos of the Amish.
It's illegal to take photos of the Amish.
You're not allowed
to take photos of the Amish."
And I'm looking at these messages
and I'm like, "Yeah, but how the fuck
would they know? How the fuck?"
The people with no phones.
How the fuck would they know, huh?
What are the pigeons snitching on me?
"Check your Instagram."
How the fuck would they know?
They don't have phones. They have polio.
How the hell would they?
I don't know.
I didn't do much research on them.
But, again, they're not gonna see
this special anyways.
I thought like... Shit,
but, man, I'm jealous of the Amish.
They got to figure it out.
No electronics. That's gotta be nice.
You know, no phone.
Ever try to do a day
without your phone on some wholesome shit?
It gets dark quick, you know?
Because that's what it is.
When your phone is dead,
that's the real you right there.
When your phone is dead, you have to spell
the word "pterodactyl" without using Siri.
That's the real you right there.
You ever seen the word
"pterodactyl" typed out?
Dude, that shit looks like
a strong-ass password.
It is insane.
Even Google is like, "You got to wake
up Jeeve's old ass for that shit."
The word "pterodactyl" looks like
Floyd Mayweather trying to spell "potato."
It's a strong...
And he can beat my ass.
But I can spell "February."
I can. I can.
I don't like how much I'm on my phone.
Yeah, sure, it's part of my job,
but like I don't like how much.
It's all muscle memory.
That's what it is, right?
It's all muscle memory.
Why we check it.
We don't even tend to check it.
We just check it. We always check
whenever we stop doing anything, right?
Walking, talking, driving.
That's why I hate when you stop
next to a cop at a red light.
Because you've got to act like you
weren't about to go on your phone.
You know?
Because you're just sitting
there like a fucking Sims character.
You know?
[laughter, applause]
Don't mind me, Officer.
Just ten-and-two, you know?
The cops just looking at you like, "This
dude for sure has a gun on him."
Y'all got the right to carry out here.
I be forgetting about that shit.
Yeah. Y'all be caring for no reason, dude.
Just 2:00 p.m. at a Whataburger,
just Glocked-up, dude,
"I didn't want pickles!"
And the chef's like "You gonna eat
these pickles, brother."
Again. Dude, I'm from California.
I'm not used to this right-to-carry shit.
The only thing that we carry is opinions.
Okay?
I miss playing The Sims growing up.
The Sims talks you a lot about your life.
[women hooting]
Right.
It taught you shit that
nobody else could, right?
Like the Sims taught me
how perverted I was for sure.
You knew how horny we were growing up
based on how quick you used
to make your Sims characters fuck,
you know?
They had no furniture,
no roof, no windows.
They're banging
in a damn trap house.
You were like,
"Now, fuck in the corner!"
The Sims landlord is still there.
He's like, "Bah bah bah bah bah bah
bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah."
Ha!
"Bah bah bah!"
Fuck-boy Sims.
Dude, they said it couldn't be done.
Dude. My landlord's a fuck-boy.
I hate him. I hate my landlord.
I despise him
if he's watching this right now.
Fuck you, dude,
I don't like my landlord.
He's too young, dude,
He's three years older than me.
My landlord is three years older than me.
This idiot is 19.
I swear to God, I will beat...
You don't really see
a lot of young landlords out there.
You see them on like Pornhub.
You don't really see a lot of young...
Yeah, dude.
A lot of young landlords on The Hub.
Are you kidding me?
"Stepbro's in Escrow."
Yeah. Okay.
Let's see how he gets out of this lease.
I'll tell ya... [muffled sound]
it's a quick...
I wish my landlord was on Pornhub.
Wouldn't it be the best-case scenario?
He's, like, "Trevor, your rent's late."
I'm like, "Is it?"
One, two... Real quick.
My rent just goes up after that,
you know?
Here's the problem,
these young landlords...
And if you have one,
you can agree to this.
These young landlords, they don't care.
They're doing other shit.
They're on their entrepreneur...
Entrepreneur.
They're on their other shit.
They do all these other jobs, right?
Crypto, NFTs, HPVs.
They're doing other shit.
Dude, he doesn't care about my problems,
and that's the biggest problem.
I texted him two Mondays ago.
I was like, "Hey, man,
the dishwasher stopped washing."
That's all I said.
I said, "The dishwasher stopped washing."
And he just texted me back
and said, "They do be doing that."
And that was the whole...
The whole exchange I shared
with this man... "They do be doing that."
Yeah, And you do be fixing it.
Carter. Put the fucking vape down
and fix my dishwasher, you idiot!
Okay?
Why do I have to pay
my rent on Cash App?
Are you in prison? What is happening?
Why are your texts green?
You have an iPhone.
Where are you?
I should have known a bad lease
when I signed my lease on Snapchat.
That's on me.
That's on me.
I didn't put my signature, but like four
of these emojis, like,
"Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah. Fuck yeah."
[high-pitched squeal]
[laughter]
[woman]
Sorry.
You-You... No, don't
say sorry for laughing.
You got that Minnie Mouse...
[high-pitched] Tee-hee! Tee-hee!
No, don't. I don't want
to laugh-shame.
[woman] No, it's not laughing,
it's ticks.
Oh, you have ticks? I'm so sorry.
I'm not trying to be an asshole.
Get her out.
Kidding, kidding, kidding!
I'm kidding.
[laughter]
You bring the ticks. I got the tock.
All right, girl!
[cheering]
It's on! Wow!
The area I live in,
if you're familiar with Los Angeles,
Venice Beach is not great.
This is a perfect scenario
of the neighborhood I live in.
One day my neighbor called me and he goes,
"Hey, don't want to startle you."
A great way to startle me.
Probably the best way to start me, right?
He goes, "Don't want to startle you,
but quick question,
'Do you know the man
out front with the spear?'
I said, "Brian, it is seven
in the morning.
I took melatonin last night.
I don't know what the fuck I am yet."
Dude,
I've been taking melatonin lately.
Everybody tells you how good of a like
the dreams you're going to have, right?
No. These dreams are terrible.
They think you're going to have
the best sleep of your life.
No, these dreams are insane.
Dude, you're having a dream you're
having your ass eaten by a gargoyle.
Nobody tells you about these dreams.
When you wake up,
"I kind of liked it."
All right, cut that part out.
All right... leave it in.
All right. So, my neighbor
calls me and he goes,
"Do you know this man
out front with this spear?"
I go. "No, I don't know this
Doodlebop creature, okay?"
And then I sat
and I was thinking about it.
I was like I didn't know
whether to be more shocked,
that there was a man
out front with a spear
or the fact that my neighbor
just saw a man with a spear
and was like "Yeah, that looks like
one of Trevor's boys right there.
Let me just get him
on the phone real quick.
See if he knows him."
And I do know him.
He's my cocaine guy.
No, I... Actually don't do cocaine,
which is pretty disrespectful
with a nose this big, you know?
You know, what's messed up?
The sides laugh more at that.
Fuck you guys, dude.
The front's like,
"What are you talking about?
It's not that bad, is it?"
Da-donk! "Look at that thing!"
"Look at that thing, dude."
I look like the Seahawks logo.
I know what it is.
Sometimes I walk outside
and wait for the sun to hit.
I can just see the shadow.
I can just tell the time, dawg.
Time for a nose job.
I talk a lot of shit about my nose
because everything else is perfect.
But ever since I've been doing
that nose joke,
I've been starting
to get the same article
in my DMs after shows, right?
It's the same-ish headline,
and it's always like,
"Women are more turned on
by men with bigger noses.
Now, more than ever before."
And I'm reading this headline
and I'm like, "What big-nose dude
wrote this shit?"
Just pecking away this keyboard.
Ladies, You don't want
Nigel Thornberry in this...
Smashing.
You don't want Thornberry.
I don't know where these articles
are coming from,
but that's not what women want.
I've never been with a chick and I sneeze
and she's like, "Oh, fuck, do it again.
He used the whole napkin."
A lot of graffiti in this town.
I saw this on the way here.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Somebody in giant red letters
on a brick wall.
Two words they wrote, "Fuck. Love."
Fuck. Love.
I was staring at that.
I was like, damn, You know
how bad You got a break...
a gangster's heart...
to make them go
to Michaels arts and crafts.
That's insane, dude.
I just imagine him walking in there
like [sobbing]
"They better not be playing any
John Mayer, I swear to God!"
He walks in.
The lady is like, "Excuse me, sir.
What are you working on today?"
He's like, "What am I working on?"
[sniffles]
My fucking cell, dude.
Fuck love. All right?
And fuck that ambulance.
Okay?
Sounds cliche,
but love is tough, right?
You know, I went through a breakup.
I talked to my ex
for the first time in ten months.
She called me out of the blue.
Right. Apparently.
True story.
Apparently,
her apartment complex caught on fire.
So...
Look at God.
You know what I'm saying?
Look at God, huh?
[cheering]
Won't he do it.
No, I did it.
But the point I'm tryin'...
Yeah, me and the spear man.
Hyah!
That's Jeffrey. Had him the whole time.
Dude, he's Amish. I kidnapped him. Okay?
How is he going to tell?
Shockingly, I am a good times with my ex,
which I'm proud of, right?
I always thought it was awkward
when somebody is bashing their ex to you.
Like you've been on a date
and they're just shit-talking their ex.
You're like,
"Girl, I ain't a fucking therapist.
All right?
I'm built like one,
but I'm not a therapist."
This happened me recently.
I was on a date, and this girl
couldn't stop bashing this guy.
She was like,
"He was such a piece of shit.
We lived together for four years.
All he'd do was wake up at 2:00 p.m.,
smoke weed and play Call of Duty."
Yeah. What a loser.
I don't...
But it on the inside, you're like,
this guy is a fucking legend.
What? What is his gamer tag?
Jesus Christ.
This guy's gonna be
a great stepdad one day.
You know what that joke reminds me of
is the one thing I do miss about Trump.
Relax. The one thing...
The one thing I miss about Trump
is, probably, his shit-talking skills,
right?
I miss his shit-talk, Dude,
Trump's shit talking was electric.
Dude, Trump talks shit
like he spent every morning
hanging out with thirteen-year-olds
on Xbox Live, you know?
I think he just
had a headset on mute.
Just pen and paper.
Just writing shit down.
I didn't even know that was a word.
How do you spell "Ba-dussy"?
How do you?
[imitating Trump]
What a "ba-dussy"!
All right. Moving on
I got nothing bad to say about Joe.
But you just know...
You just know... everything in his pantry
has expired for sure.
You got cream of wheat
from '88 in that bitch.
He probably has the original
Four Lokos in there, you know?
He's saving a few for Hunter,
you know?
"You've been pretty calm this week.
I'll change that. Hyah!"
First of all, if you don't know
what a Four Loko is,
congratulations on having
a clean criminal record.
I'll say that.
Dude, I've never felt older in my life
than trying to explain
to a 20-year-old what a Four Loko was.
Because we never had to explain.
It was just an experience
you couldn't even explain, right?
He was like, "What was it?"
I was like, "It was alcohol and caffeine."
And then he was like, "Then what?"
I was like, "Nobody knows."
You just wake up the next morning
with a text from your friend,
like, "Dude, you fought a
Walmart greeter."
Again?
Dude, I was playing
Xbox Live during the pandemic.
I hadn't played in, like,
15 years.
I was excited to play Xbox Live,
you know, talk some shit to some kids.
You know what I'm saying? Therapy
is getting expensive, right?
So, Texas, what therapy is...
I was excited to talk some shit to these
kids, but I forgot who these kids were.
You know, the first game I hopped on,
I'm ready to talk my shit,
waiting for somebody to act up.
And all of a sudden this kid sneezes into
his headset. I'm, like, target acquired.
I hit him with the classic,
something I really knew, right?
I hit him with the classic.
I was like, "Shut the hell up
or I'm gonna fuck your mom."
And then it got quiet.
Any then he went, "Oh, yeah?
Then what?"
I don't know. Have her home by eight.
Dude, I don't know.
That's your mom, dude.
She's gonna tuck you in tonight.
I'm trying to spread them legs.
Not that family, okay?
I did live with my ex during the pandemic,
and I think if you live with any
significant other during the pandemic,
you know, you'd argue over anything.
Times were tense.
Argue over anything, right?
Somebody sneeze too loud
and you're like,
"I'll leave this family right now."
She's like, "Trevor.
We don't have a family.
Maybe you fucking stop sneezing.
We would, okay?"
I remember, one time,
the funniest argument we got in,
which now we can laugh about,
the funniest argument we got in
is one time I went up to her and was like,
"Hey, I want to try this position...
sexually,"
and she looked at me
dead in the eyes,
and she goes,
"You've been watching too much porn.
I was like,
"Okay, hot take, all right."
I don't know if you know this, but porn is
the number one streamed form of media,
on my phone,
so don't... don't come at me.
Dude, this is pandemic time.
Everybody's porn intake was up, right?
Remember that month when porn up
just dropped a month
of free premium porn on all of us?
[man]
Whoo!
Oh, 20% of the room?
Yeah, okay.
Every dude is next to their girlfriend,
like, "I do not remember that month.
I do not remember.
I don't remember the last time I smiled."
Dude, that was the Lord's stimulus check
right there, dude.
That was the Big Dog upstairs
being like, "$1200?
That's cute. Here's Lisa Ann
in 8K. Figure it out."
She's stuck in a dishwasher.
Here comes the landlord.
Pandemic times, right?
You know, you're watching too much porn
when every letter
on your keyboard was dangerous.
You know?
Right? Like, every dude's biggest fear
is that his girlfriend's phone dies
and she's like, "Babe,
can I borrow your phone?
I just want to Google
the nearest Panera Bread."
You're like, "Anywhere but Panera,
please. I don't.
Just hit the space mark
before you do anything.
Fuck. I'll cook. I'll cook. I'll cook."
I was down bad
during the pandemic.
I was responding to
like instagram bots and shit.
Because every time I post a video,
they're the first to comment, right?
Desperate. They're the first to comment.
And they'd be, like, "Lol.
So hot, So sexy, so funny."
I'll just be, like, "You mean it?
Be for real girl. Or Russian hacker.
Whoever you are.
I'll tell you what,
man, I do think I was watching
a lot of porn during that time,
and I knew I was because
it was the same time that I was moving.
So, I was on so much Pornhub
and so much Zillow.
That the two websites
just started to blend.
And I don't know what was what.
I was on Zillow bricked-up, dawg.
I'm reading these headlines like crazy.
My shirt's coming off, dude. it's like,
"This two-bedroom beauty won't last."
I don't think I will either, dude.
It's got a two-car garage.
I can park my nose in it.
So, I'm banned from Zillow.
But that started an argument.
The fact that I said I wanted
to try this position, right?
But, then, the next day,
the sweetheart of a lady, she is.
She came up to me.
She goes, "Hey, sorry, about yesterday,
but guess who's been watching porn?"
I was like, "Hopefully, you or else this
is a weird story, you know?"
And she goes, "Yeah, I have. Now,
I want to try something with you."
And I'm like, [speaks foreign language]
Lean in, girl, what do we doing?
What are we doing?
Let's ball this blast!
What are we doing?
I'll shut down Zillow right now.
Okay, I got a 2:30 showing.
Don't mess with me.
I will go.
And she goes, "I saw something really hot,
and I want to try it with you."
I go, "Okay. What is it?"
She goes, "First things first.
I'm gonna get out of the vibrator."
I go, "Well, I'm not looking good
for your boy, okay?
I don't...
Not really trying to be backup QB
tonight, you know?
Hut! Hut! Psych!
I'm out of here, dude.
She goes, "No, it's a whole thing.
It's a whole thing
that I want to
be involved with you."
And I go, "Okay, what is it?"
She goes, "I'm gonna use
a vibrator on myself. Right?
Then I want you, Trevor,
go right next to the vibrator...
Go right next to the vibrator,
do a little lickety-lickety."
And I was like, "All right,
Yeah, that checks out."
And, now, all 1200
of you are looking at me.
"I don't think that does.
I don't think that does."
What the hell do I know?
I get hard to housing websites.
I don't know these things.
Dude, I went right next to the vibrator,
and after being next to this thing...
[making vibrating sounds]
After being next to this thing
about five seconds,
and just slowly giving
myself second-hand CTE...
[making vibrating sound]
Dude, I realize I'm not doing shit
next to this thing, okay?
I mean, this vibrator was going so fast,
you could froth a Frappuccino down there.
Meanwhile, I was next to it,
giving it my all,
just looking like
the damn Tootsie Pop Owl.
[imitating Tootsie Pop Owl]
A one! A two!
A three! Four!
[applause]
Dude, I left the room at one point.
She had no idea I was gone.
I walked back in the room.
I was like, "Fuck, dude,
robots are taking our jobs."
My ex had a little bit of a stutter.
She still does, but I...
I don't know, dude.
I like dating a girl with a stutter.
I thought it was cute.
I thought it was wholesome.
It was fun. You know, also,
like dating a girl with stutter
'cause I would, like,
never lose an argument.
Hear me out. That's insane.
Okay, that's fucked up, all right.
You've got to understand. It's not
like I was looking for the stutter.
Okay, It's not like I'd run in the room
and kick her shins,
"Pronounce Saturday!"
And then just run out.
"Now, 'pterodactyl! Hyah!
The reality of the stutter
is it wasn't every word.
Sit down. The reality of the stutter.
It wasn't every word.
It was only when she was, like,
really mad or upset with me,
which was daily.
And I just think that I...
I'm too immature to hear
and not say anything, all right?
So, she'd be yelling at me. She's like,
"All you care about is yourself.
You're so conceited.
You're honestly just being such a
[stuttering] da-da-da da-da"...
And, then, I would just be, like,
"Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-do!"
[stuttering continues]
Drop the bass.
[imitates synth bass]
Dude, bottle-service girls
started coming out and shit.
Steve Aoki kicked in the door,
caked in the face.
The Kia Soul hamsters pulled up.
Whoa!
"We're on so much Molly
right now!"
Why are we giving hamsters Molly?
Answer me!
No. Why don't we...
And I know that sounds like a messed-up
joke, partially. because it is.
But she didn't care.
She heard that joke a bunch
because for her, It was funnier
to watch media with her stutter
than for her to have it.
She was used to it. It would throw me
off at random time, so I'd forget it.
Like every time we ever did the sex...
which was a lot.
It was an average amount.
But...
I would just forget, right?
So, every time we're making
that sweet love...
I just never knew
if she was having an orgasm.
[woman squeals]
Or just trying to say the word O'Reilly's.
So I'd just be putting
in that work, you know?
And she'd be, like, [moaning]
Oh-Oh-Oh O'Reilly's
auto parts!
Ow!
[cheering]
Yeah.
Thank you. That's a joke for anybody
who doesn't have Spotify Premium. So...
So now I'm dating.
I'll be honest.
I'll be very vulnerable to you guys.
I feel like I've been bombing
a lot of dates lately, right?
Because it's a first date, right?
You know, it's I think
what it is on the first date
is you can feel that moment
where somebody loses interest, right?
It's a big shift in energy
when somebody loses interest, right?
"I have a husband." Whatever it is.
Right? But you don't have a daddy.
You can feel...
that first date energy, right?
It's really hit or miss, dude, you know?
And I feel like, whatever,
when things aren't going well,
like things are going south.
I tend to panic
and I only know
how to, like, cope with comedy,
which is never the answer,
but it's more fun, you know?
This girl recently,
she was telling me about her family,
and she's, like,
"Yeah, my dad sells blinds."
And I was, like, "The people?"
And you would have thought...
On stage, not a bad joke.
Let's be honest.
At the Olive Garden,
not so much, dude,
I was no longer family
after that shit,
and everybody's family
at the Olive Garden.
I think what it is,
it's that first date in energy.
You're going to say something stupid.
It's inevitable, right?
One time, on the date this girl told me,
she goes, "I love to read.
I can read really fast
and I can read really good."
I was like, Is this a quote from Ricky
Bobby? What are you saying to me?
What in the shake and bake is going on?
The full quote, she said,
she goes, "I love to read.
I can read really fast
and I can read really good.
The only problem is, every time I read,
I can never remember what I just read."
I was like, "Well, that's not reading."
Okay, you're lookin' at books,
but you're not reading anything.
I picture her just like
running through a library.
Like, "I'm learning so much right now!"
Just slams the dictionary on her forehead.
"Pterodactyl!" Keeps running.
This might be a hot take,
but I think it's harder to date
in 2023 as a man
than it is a woman.
- Whoa!
- [man screams]
That guy's never had sex.
That was crazy.
[applause]
Either that or that dude
has been ghosted religiously, dawg.
He had the Holy Spirit in there.
Whoo!
Damn, bro.
Betterhelp.com.
promo code: sauce.
I only think it's harder
to date now as a man
because there's more turnoffs
in men than there ever has.
With all these red flags
and these ick-lists
and all these weird things
get turned off by.
They don't even make sense anymore, right?
I think a turnoff now
is different than a turnoff,
like, five years ago, right?
Like five years ago,
a turnoff in a man
would be like he has two ankle
monitors and maybe another family.
But even there's some girls in this crowd
that are, like, "I do love a family man."
And he's on house arrest,
so he can't leave and cheat, you know?
But like now, a turnoff is so
specific, they don't even make sense.
They're random. It's, like, one time I saw
him drink a water bottle with two hands.
What type of pussy shit?
You can't hold a Dasani, Derek,
you can't hold me, all right?
It don't make sense.
It's like one time she sees you
use a blinker to turn into your driveway
and she's like, "Aw, get me out
of this car! You live in a cul-de-sac!"
Kevin, what is happening?
Who are you blinking to? Other women
you want to have sex with?
And, then, you're just...
you're disgusted by us.
You ghost us.
We have no idea what happens.
And we just get "got."
I recently got "got."
I was on a date,
and I was just, like,
"Yeah, I just love carrot cake."
And she was like,
"What did you just say to me?"
The whole restaurant turned. Even
the blind dude is like, "You fucked up."
And, then, I looked at the blind dude,
and I'm like,
"I'm over here, you know?"
Still blind.
You know?
Dude, that's a true story.
I ordered carrot cake.
Let's be honest,
there couldn't be a more
carrot-cake-looking
son-of-a-bitch than your boy.
All right? Look like my safety word is
"cream cheese." Okay?
I ordered carrot cake,
and she goes, "Oh, I thought
you would have just ordered
something manlier."
Yeah, my date was Joe Rogan.
Should have said that.
But...
I was so confused by that comment.
Like, how do you make
dessert manly? What?
Yeah. Just put some Nutella on
your knuckles and crack me in the face.
Low-calorie, high-impact,
you know?
Also, she saw me
walk into the restaurant.
There's no way she looked at me
and thought
that I would do
something like manly, right?
Like, I'm built like a Go-Gert.
I don't know what to tell you.
Too much laughter.
Fuck you all, dude.
[laughter]
I was so thrown off by the comment,
"I thought you'd order something manly,"
because, like, it's dessert, right?
It's dessert. I thought that was
the one part of the meal
you could be a little, you know.
I thought that was...
It's dessert.
Put a cake pop in my ass.
Who gives a shit?
I do think it's partially my fault
that she said that because when the waiter
put the dessert menu down,
I went, "Ooh, carrot cake!" And you can't.
You've got to leave the spirit fingers
back home, fellas.
You gotta holster those bad boys.
You wait till you get back
to your Miata for, "Carrot cake!"
The guy next to you in the Silverado
is like, "Red Velvet!"
Start making out.
To be very honest
because I had some red flags at her,
but I didn't even think
about it, all right?
Like I should have known
that we weren't going to be compatible
the second I heard her
pronounce the "L" in "salmon."
"Sal-mon"?
No, I went to third grade, okay.
I may have went twice,
but I still went.
All right?
You want me to date "Sal-mon Sara"?
No, we're not doing this, okay?
It's "salmon," right?
The waiter was walking by
and she lunges out.
She's like, "Excuse me, sir.
How's your guy's sal-mon?"
Never seen a waiter burn-out before,
right? But this dude comes to a halt.
He looks up from his notepad
and he looks at her,
takes a second and then looks to me
and then looks right back at her
and I'm, like, "Hell, yeah, dude,
The waiter is on my team."
Okay?
He has dealt with a speech
impediment before, right?
And he had, he clearly had.
He's a legend, right?
He goes, "Miss, uh, ha,
our salmon, [clears throat]
our salmon...
Sorry, there's something in my
[clears throat] salmon in my throat.
Our salmon is fantastic.
People love our salmon on yelp."
And then he took two steps,
looked at me and said,
"Watch this," and said, "Salmon."
Threw it at her one more time, right?
And I swear to you,
the girl I'm with goes,
"Perfect. Sal-mon it is."
And she looks at me
and she goes, "What do you think?"
And at this point,
the restaurant's in a damn uproar.
Okay? People are flipping tables,
dude.
The fish are stabbing themselves.
The blind dude just got up and walked out.
No cane.
I had to repeat the question to myself
to make sure I wasn't losing my mind.
I was like, "'What do I think?'
To be very honest with you right now,
you're a very nice lady,
but this is where we draw the line.
I think that I... would love a shot
at possibly getting laid tonight.
So, I too will have the Salman.
Yeah!"
You guys got any Mer-lot back there,
by chance?
No Mer-lot? Cham-pag-ne it is, baby!
I'm feeling bou-gie tonight, you know?
Bring out the fil-et mig-nons!
Oh, put the credit card down, honey.
This is on Papa's recei-p-t tonight!
Eating like a damn
"p-terodactyl."
Yeah, I mean, I love
a good like dinner date,
but like, honestly,
there's nothing better
than just, like, Taco Bell
alone in your car.
[hooting]
It's the best.
You know what I love is...
[man]
Whoo!
Still hasn't had sex,
but... fucked chalupa.
All right. What I love...
Talk about alone, man.
Just, you know what I love about
Taco...
They don't ask any questions.
No, dude, In-n-Out
been asking questions lately.
Is this for the car?
Is this to go? Is this for home?
Shut the hell up.
You have a canoe on your head, okay?
I'll be asking the questions today.
I was having Taco Bell
the other night,
and I was looking
at the hot sauce packets.
I don't know about you guys,
but don't you feel like the writing
on the on the hot sauce packets
isn't as like edgy as it used to be?
It used to be so cool.
It used to be wild. It used to be
one word away from a Kanye tweet.
It was insane.
But I just miss when you just grab
a random packet and you read it
and be like, "The only thing hotter
than this sauce is your chlamydia."
Oh, sh...
And that was just on the mild packet,
you know?
The Diablo Sauce was
just a QR code to "Two Girls, One Cup."
You guys thought you forgot
about that video, didn't you?
A question for the ladies.
[women scream]
Ladies. How do you feel
about the "Three Date Rule"?
You gotta go on three dates with man
before you sleep with him.
- [woman] No!
- DM me. All right. I don't...
[applause, laughter]
I just put the mic down and leave.
No, but it's very common.
You've all heard of that.
You go on three days with a man
to make sure they're not like
a serial killer or, like, drive a Subaru.
Like all the qualifiers.
I'll get to y'all later,
"Suby-gang."
You go on three dates, right, before.
You kind of feel them out.
That's a good amount of time, right?
But the funny part is, guys,
we're so confident.
We think it will happen on any date.
You know, like it doesn't
matter where we take you.
We could take you to a Topgolf
and be like,
"Wait till she sees this seven iron,
you know?"
"195. Not even my own club.
Yeah, okay."
But in reality,
it's not our say, right?
What every date is, essentially,
what every night is,
is just like a woman
holding a tennis ball, right?
just like a woman holding a tennis ball.
And we're just a dog that's just like...
Are you gonna fucking
throw that thing, lady?
And, ladies, you're like
"Ha! Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you wanted tonight?
We're like, "Fucking yeah! Throw
the goddamn ball! Jesus Christ!"
It's like,
"Okay, I'm gonna throw it tonight.
Ready? Three, two, one."
[grunts]
"Fucking psych!
It's right here!
It's right here, you idiot!"
But we already went taking off, right?
We're like, "Whoa!"
[voice trailing off]
"You didn't throw it?
That's crazy.
That's crazy
you didn't throw the ball.
Split the check.
That's crazy.
Nothing that's ever happened.
I am doing all right.
You know, it took a little bit
to get back after the relationship.
I'm doing all right. You know, I recently
hooked up with a girl with scoliosis.
Turn up. I...
First date, she was like, "Scoliosis."
I was, like, "Word I'm a Capricorn."
Compatible.
She told me on the first date
she had scoliosis,
but we didn't hook up
until the fifth date.
Tennis ball was full, you know.
But that next morning
when we did hook up. She stayed over.
The next morning, she rolls over to me
and she's rubbing her lower back.
And she's, like, "Oh my, God, Trevor.
My lower back is killing me."
And I'm so dumb. I'm like,
"Fuck yeah, it is."
[laughter]
"How long has that shit been hurtin'?
Since, like, midnight, girl?"
And she was like "Eight years."
I was like, "Shit. What was his name?"
Jesus Christ.
It is very funny
how insecure guys are
that we, like,
look for a compliment
even if you don't give us one.
Like, ladies, you do anything different
after a hookup,
we'll find a way to
revert it back to us.
Like after a hookup,
you could just be sitting
on the bed and you sneeze.
We'll be like, "Just say it.
Just say it.
You allergic to that dope dick, girl?
Just say it!"
And she's like, "No, pollen."
"Who the hell is 'Colin'?
Who the hell?
Is that the guy that hurt your back,
dude?"
I don't know.
We're all dumb. All guys are dumb.
You know, I used to think an IUD
was an insurance company.
I don't know these things.
She's like,
"You don't need a condom. IUD."
I was like, "Kaiser Permanente."
You know? Are they hiring?
I did see on Snapchat News...
So, you know, it's real...
I did see on Snapchat news that they are
coming out with male birth control.
Dude, freaking turn up.
[hooting]
I'm excited for male birth control.
Notice how he didn't
"whoo" on that.
Hasn't had sex. All right?
Kidding. Kidding.
I'm excited for male birth control.
One for the science, definitely.
I'm also excited for male birth control
so I can, finally, for once,
be the bad bitch at the restaurant
whose birth control alarm
is always going off.
Yeah. Every girl in here
has a girl in that group.
There's always 8:00 p.m. going off.
Awesome, Kim Possible shit, okay?
She knows
when to take her birth control.
All she wants to do is just flex
on a room of idiots that she be fucking.
That's all it is.
Everybody in a thirty-yard radius
hears it,
and they get let in on
that you do the sax.
And you don't think dudes aren't going
to take advantage of that shit?
Bro, Buffalo Wild Wings
at 9:00 p.m.
is gonna be going off, dude.
And I'm not using
no basic Apple alarm, dude,
I'm gonna have a custom one
going off every four minutes, dude.
It's gonna be, like,
Ooh! [screams] you know?
I'm down with the sickness, dude,
Every guy was like, "Was that me or you?
Was that me or you?
Was that me or you?"
Naw, mine's bodies hit the floor.
Nice, dude, nice.
Nice. Can I borrow a two-dollar bill?
I need to go snort my BC, dawg.
It kicks in faster.
I don't know a lot of stuff
about medical stuff.
I hate the doctor.
I have a beef with my doctor.
Fuck my doctor
if you're watching this too.
That's for you, dawg.
Here's why I got to beef with my doctor
is one time my doctor told me, he goes.
"I don't know how to tell you this, Trev,
but you have a smaller pee hole
than the average man.
I said, "Run that back,
Goldstein. Run that back.
What did you just say to me?"
He goes, "Nothing to be alarmed about.
You just have a slightly smaller pee hole
than the average man."
I was like, "Cool.
But what the fuck...
does this have to do with me
getting reading glasses?
What is this?
Also, we're at Costco.
Can I pull my pants up now?
It's not a sample. Get out of there."
I don't know what it is,
but when you get out of a relationship,
the one person that comes
to your forefront with dating advice
is your one friend who's been single
for like fourteen years.
I don't know why that is, right?
That guy in my life
is one of my best friends, Jaxon.
Right, Jaxon, But he spells it
with an "X." "Jaxon." Yep.
Whatever you're picturing
right now, that's him.
Add a puka shell necklace,
you got him, dude.
Looks like he was voted most likely
to vape at a funeral type of vibe.
And he did.
At my grandpa's, dude. It was sick, dawg.
We released the dove,
he released an "O." It was epic.
It just smelled like Cinnabon
the whole funeral.
Even my grandpa was like,
"Hold up! Let me hit that shit."
But he was trying to give me
all this dating advice.
He's like, "Dude, you're gonna be
in your head on these dates
because you're gonna be comparing who
you're going to date with your ex, right?
So, I got a life hack for you.
Don't drink beforehand.
Don't smoke beforehand."
Drinking before a date I get
but smoking before a date.
That's insane.
Just sitting there high as hell.
Haven't said a word in eight minutes.
Just airdropping
my thoughts to a breadstick.
Passed her a note that says,
"Am I blinking too loud?"
Dude, I've never been good with weed.
The first time I ever bought weed,
I was in eighth grade on 4/20.
Legend. Thank you.
I was in eighth grade
on 4/20 I bought a gram.
And it just turned out to be a gram...
of oregano.
But, dude, I ain't no bitch.
I smoke that shit dry, dude.
I smoked a gram of oregano, right?
And all my friends were looking at me
like, "Dude, how do you feel?"
I was like "Italian," you know?
I was fucking...
I was off the gabagool,
you know what I'm saying?
So I go,
"What? Just show up to the date.
Don't drink. Don't smoke. Easy."
And he goes, "Nah, life hack."
First of all, anytime a dude
wearing double puka shell necklaces
says he has a life hack,
he doesn't, okay?
This idiot tried to Snapple it
at best, right?
He goes right before the date,
to get out of your head,
the best advice for you,
right before the date...
Right before... His words, not mine...
He goes, "You gotta rub one out."
You gotta rub one out.
And that is the worst advice
you could give anybody, not just dudes.
Rubbing one out before a first date
is like winning the lottery on the way...
to a job interview.
[cheering]
'Cause, I mean,
you're just sitting there like...
[groans] Ah-ha.
I don't really need this shit anymore.
I'm-a work from home tonight.
So...
Dude, that's real shit.
I smoked oregano. I had no idea.
I don't know what it was
about my hometown,
but we were always trying
to get high on anything
but actual drugs that check out.
Was that just a California thing?
Were you guys doing out here? Right?
[man]
Whoo!
All right. There we go.
What were you smoking on?
Fleshlights?
Dude, funny enough, right?
The first time I ever tried
to get real messed up on something
I was in seventh grade
and I tried to get high
by taking nine Advil.
Seventh grade. Nine Advil.
Dude, nothing even happened.
I just didn't have a headache
for, like, four years.
My friends were like,
"How do you feel?"
I was, like,
"Relieved, I guess. I don't..."
Dude, my cousin tried to pitch me
on whippets, right?
But the way he told me
about it was, like,
very like sales pitchy, right,
which I thought was interesting.
He's like, "Dude,
do you ever want to get real messed up?
You ever want to get real messed up?
All you need is a can of whipped cream.
All you need is a can of whipped cream.
It's the quickest, fastest high.
Plus, it doesn't show up on drug tests."
I was like, "Cool, I'm eleven,
so, I don't I don't know...
what drug tests are running
at the hopscotch courts...
but I think I'll be all right.
And then I remember that, right?
All you need is a can
of whipped cream, right?
And I remember one night
I got really pissed off at my dad
because me and my dad
beefed a lot growing up
because he had dumb-ass
punishments for me.
Right? He had weird punishments.
Maybe guys had this shit out here.
But to punish me
instead of like hitting me
or charging money
or put soap in my mouth,
my dad used to do petty shit.
When my dad used to get mad at me
for a punishment,
he would take my bedroom door off.
Yeah. He would turn my room
into a Jeep.
This son-of-a-bitch.
Then he would walk away with the door
and just throw up the Jeep.
"Wrangle this, pussy! Ha-ha!"
You guys know Jeep owners
have a wave, right?
I think every car should have a wave
that would make these streets
so much more fun, you know,
to give every car a wave.
You could look for it.
It'd be so much fun.
Be a great game, right?
Like two Chevy Camaros
fly past each other.
They both just hold up divorce papers.
That'd be sick!
Dude, two Subarus pass each other,
they hit him with the handshake.
They fuckin'... [groans]
Just a quick one. Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't get your Patagonia's in a bunch.
So, my dad took my door off,
so, to retaliate.
I went downstairs
and I was like, "You know what?
Whippet Wednesday. Let's go!"
It was Saturday,
but let me have this, right?
I'm holding this can
of whipped cream, right?
About to do my first whippet.
I said that out loud,
"I'm about to do a whippet."
Said it to my cat and, um...
My cat's like, "Meow, I don't know
what the fuck's going on, dude.
I got nine lives. You don't.
Fuck around to find out."
And I did. I did find out.
I'm sitting there, fired up,
ready to do my first whippet.
And I was holding this can
of whipped cream,
I realize he never told me how to do 'em.
So, I just sat there and ate...
an entire can of whipped cream.
But, dude, I was eleven.
I had no idea. I was sitting there
with all these high hopes.
Like any minute now, dude!
And, then, four hours later,
I was just shitting my brains out.
Finally worked.
You ever do so many whippets,
you find out you're lactose intolerant.
You ever do that?
I didn't know that
wasn't how you weren't
supposed to do whippets
for, like, five years.
So, that's just what I thought
It was, right?
It's like every Thanksgiving I walk
downstairs and I just hear my mom makin',
you know, some pumpkin pie,
and I would hear that Reddi-wip.
[makes rattling sound]
I come scurrying downstairs.
Oh, shit, girl.
Turn up, Cheryl!
Jesus Christ, I didn't know.
We were getting after it. BRB.
I'll grab the oregano, girl.
Let's go, shorty.
Let's go, dude.
I don't do this story much,
but my dad is here tonight.
Dad, Where you at?
- [applause]
- Yes, sir.
Damn! They got you
in the G.A. fucking poor, dude.
There he is.
All right.
Now dim the lights.
I'm gonna tell the most embarrassing story
this man has ever told me in his life.
I think I'm pretty fortunate that I've got
a birds-and-the-bees talk growing up.
I don't think a lot of people
are getting that anymore, right?
Clap if you got a birds-and-bees talk.
[scattering applause]
Yeah, that's like twelve percent.
The rest of parents are like, "Go behind
the Buc-ee's and open your eyes.
You'll see.
Yep, those bathrooms
ain't so clean anymore, okay?"
I think the birds-and-the-bees talk
is kind of done, you know,
because I think teenagers
know more about sex
because of the Internet
than adults do, like legit...
Imagine trying to sit your son down
right now and you're like,
"So, when a man loves a woman"...
And he's like,
"What's all this love bullshit?
What are you talking about?
Don't you mean when the pizza boy
finds out she doesn't have
enough money for the pizza?
Don't you mean...
And she wants extra ranch.
It's not a DiGiorno, it's a porno.
Write that down.
Uh...
There's nobody back there.
But, dude, this is a true story.
You can ask him after the fucking show
how much of a psychopath he is, dude.
My dad proposed to my mom
with a foil wedding ring after six months,
and if that doesn't let you know
what part of Ohio he's from,
I don't know what does.
But I love the fuck out of him, right?
I love him. And I love my mom.
They're both here tonight, right?
[cheering]
Yes.
I think they did
a phenomenal job raising me,
but I would say 99.999.
This birds-and-the bees shit
is fucked up, okay?
How my dad told me
about the birds and the bees.
True story. He goes.
"Okay, Trevor"...
First of all,
he told me two weeks ago.
He goes, "First of all,
[laughter]
"Okay, Trevor.
So, your mother has a garage"...
The second said, I was like,
"I don't think dudes ever had sex before."
You know?
"Your mother has a garage"...
And then he doubles down
and he goes, "I, your father,
have a limousine."
A limousine.
[applause]
No, don't clap for that.
He'll whip it out, dude.
He'll fucking...
[screaming, cheering]
No! No!
Dude, that is insane, right?
A limousine. Dude, the fact
we didn't immediately call
Child Protective Services is wild to me.
Also, like, why did he feel the need
to flex on me for that right?
Like I'm not half him. Like,
I can't just look down my waistband
and be like, "I don't know
about that, Chief.
I don't know."
That ain't no limousine.
That's a Toyota Sienna.
My guy, that is a Toyota.
Third row folded down.
But do you know how weird
that made it for me growing up,
that that was in my brain.
It ruined my life, right?
Prom came around, right?
All my friends were like,
"Yo, Trev, Prom's coming up.
Trying to pitch in on a limousine.
You want in on this?"
I'm like, "Yo, you leave my dad
out of the shit, dude.
I will walk, okay?"
[woman]
Love you, Trevor!
I love you, too.
You, too, DM me.
I think...
[woman, indistinct]
Dad, show her the limo.
No, don't do that! Don't do that!
Don't do that!
I've had a lot of fun tonight,
but I want to get serious.
This last portion
get serious with you guys.
I want to get serious.
We've talked about a lot of silly stuff,
and now it's time to talk about
that real stuff, you know, real stuff.
You know?
I wish a dudes
could get dick implants.
[man]
Whoo! Whoo!
[woman]
Whoo!
Yeah, Not that I need it, but...
Nah, I mean it. Hear me out.
I just... No, I think I'm fine.
My penis is like the cord
on an iPhone charger, right?
It like works,
but, like, every night,
you wish you had, like,
three extra inches to give.
You know, like that's...
It almost reaches the bed.
I don't even want dick implants sexually.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Okay? I'm fine with the Sienna down there.
All right?
I don't even want dick implants,
actually, I just want it
because I'm jealous of the moment
that women get to share
when one girl gets breast implants.
I don't know if you've ever been at,
like, a brunch
and a girl shows up with a new rack.
Dude, it is electric, okay?
it'll shut down a damn IHOP.
It's insane, right?
It's a whole event, right?
She walks in. It's a big scene.
She's like, "Oh, hey, girls. I don't know
if you've seen these girls."
Everybody's losing their minds,
you know, everyone's like,
"Whoa! is that what you spent
your stimulus checks on?
Jesus Christ!
But what it is,
is it's this oddly beautiful,
wholesome moment out of nowhere,
because what happens?
She invites all of her
female friends, right?
One by one, single file lines
shortest to tallest,
just to come caress
the bosom, right?
Every dude is looking for a wig.
"I, too, am female.
Yes. Hi. Hi."
The blind guy's back.
"Where's my keys at?
Where's my keys at? Oh, shit.
Am I rock climbing, girl?"
It's this wholesome moment, right?
She lets her friends feel it.
She's like, "Emily. Your turn."
She's going,
"God, they feel so good."
We all know they feel like
a Nerf football, you know?
Do these whistle too?
[makes whistling sound]
Who took a bite out of that one?
The blind guy's like,
"That would be me. That would be me."
Foam.
But, ladies, you have to agree.
It's an oddly wholesome moment
that women get to share
when they get to all
caress each other's bosom.
And every guy's just staring in awe.
Like what?
And just, like, you know,
fellas, I was thinking about.
It's like, you know, we just don't...
[laughter]
We don't have anything like that, dude.
But could you imagine if we did, dawg?
just a couple of dudes out in Applebee's
walking in, like,
"Yo, Jaxon, feel me up."
He's like, "You fucking got it, dude!
Whoa!"
"Dude! Stop! Stop, stop!
I mean, keep going.
But stop, stop, stop!"
Whoo-hoo!
"I don't know we were at Yard House.
Jesus Christ!"
"Yo, Brock, touch his cock!"
"Already did. I got carpal tunnel, dude!"
It's a wholesome moment,
you know?
Just a thought, but...
I think the opposite of surgery
would be much funnier, right?
Because what goes up must come down.
If you can add, you can subtract
I'm just saying shit
because I can, you know?
The opposite surgery
is so much funnier, right?
"Did you hear about Jaxon?"
"No. What's up?" "Like he's going to the
doctor and he's getting a dick reduction."
"What? Come again."
"He never will."
Stupid. Stupid.
"Why is he getting a dick reduction?"
"I don't know, man. He just said
it was hurting his lower calves.
It was just hurting."
He had to bust out
the Life Alert and everything, dude.
I will say this, man, a friend of mine
recently did get a breast reduction. Um...
It was a female and, ladies, If any of you
have ever gotten a breast reduction
or you're going to get a breast reduction,
tell every man you know
and just watch his head explode.
I don't know what it is, but, dudes,
no guy will ever be able
to comprehend the thought
of less breasts, okay?
Our brains, like, can't process.
And we'll never be in favor for it too,
you know?
Like no guy will ever be like,
"Oh, yeah. Congratulations."
Every guy is like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't think that's what the Lord
would have wanted, okay?
God gave you Triple-Fs
for a reason, Miranda."
[woman]
They grow back.
They grow back?
What are they canine teeth?
What the fuck?
Do they actually?
What are you watering them with?
Creatine? What the fuck?
[man]
Whoo!
They grow back.
We need dick reduction now, dude.
Do they really grow back?
[woman]
No.
Let me see you. Respectfully.
No, I can't. That's illegal.
They actually do?
[woman] Yeah. I got it nine years ago.
They're back up two cup sizes.
They're back up two cup sizes.
There is A-cups in here
like, "You fucking bitch!
I would kill for a B."
I would kill for a bump.
My nipples look like a baby bottle pop.
I would kill.
They grow back? God damn.
Yeah. I mean same, same, same.
But did you tell guys afterwards?
No guy was probably, like, understanding.
Were you dating somebody at the time?
[woman]
Yeah. He left me.
He left you?
[laughter]
Unlike the tits,
it didn't come back.
All right!
So, you're single.
But what I'm trying to say...
But, like, guys can't process...
"She's got less tits.
I got to get out of here." Right?
We can't process the thought
of like less breasts, right?
It's like to our brain,
it's like the same thing our brain does.
When we see somebody
like walking on the highway.
Like we will never be able to comprehend
what the hell is going on
when you see somebody
on the highway, right?
That'll never make sense
to anybody, right?
No phone, no gas can.
Just ambition, dude.
Just trucking.
It's just a broken dream
and an Adderall going to war, dude,
Every time I see somebody
walking on the highway,
I'm like,
"Can I walk on the highway, dude?"
This man knows too much.
Does he know how to fix a dishwasher?
But I'll say this
and I'm sure you can agree to this.
It's very simple why a woman
would ever get a breast reduction.
It couldn't be simpler. It's two words.
It's two words. I'll never change.
"My back." That's it.
"My back."
But we're so dumb.
We're like, "Yeah, you're pussy
and you're crack."
Okay, like...
"I've heard the song, Miranda.
All right?
Now is not the time for karaoke."
Okay? Put a rack on your back.
Dude, level out. All right.
Life's about balance, dude.
My neck! My back.
Your titty's under attack.
Fix it, dude. Fix it.
I say all this to say my friend who got
the breast reduction that she posted
about the surgery on her Instagram
and I have her notifications on. Um...
for science.
And she posted.
I don't know this
until reading the caption,
but she started the surgery
with triple-Ds.
Triple-Ds, dude.
Cup size had a damn stutter.
D-D-Damn, dude, these things...
Even my ex was like,
Now, that's a stutter, okay?
They were so big.
She showed me one day.
I think she thinks I'm gay.
I'll take it. She showed me one day, and
my brain just made like cartoon noises.
You know, she went like this,
and I was like, "Wacka-wacka!
What cup size is "Bazinga,"
dude.
But, dude, I was looking through
the comments on the post.
I was looking at the comments on the
breast reduction post because I was bored.
"Horny." Same word.
I was looking at the comments
and I noticed a pattern, right?
I noticed a pattern.
All the comments from women
were very fun-loving and supportive.
Right? My favorite comment
this girl left was, "Yes, Queen."
"Itty Bitty Titty Committee! Whoo!"
A couple melon emojis.
It was beautiful.
I was like, put that shit
on Taco Bell packet, you know?
I had faith in humanity,
and then I saw one comment...
from one dude,
one piece of shit,
who just commented in all capital letters
and just wrote
"UN-FUCKING-FOLLOWED."
And that was it.
[laughter]
Yeah. And then she blocked me.
So pretty pissed.
Austin, Texas. Thank you so much
for letting me come here.
[cheering]
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
DM me. Thank you.
[cheering]
Whoa.
[coughs]
That Trevor Noah guy was funny.
Bro, that wasn't Trevor Noah.
Oh.
That was Trevor Lawrence.
Oh.
Yo, he was the special one.
That's what my
teacher used to call me too.
Miss Stone?
[both]
Miss Stone.
[laughing]
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah