Trojan War (1997) Movie Script
To the crowd
To the world
You were so dry
And with a token bird
I made...
Boy: Once in a lifetime,
a girl comes along who's
the center of your universe.
A girl who's everything
and everyone.
A girl who can rock your world.
Well, Brooke Kingsley
is all that and more.
And ever since I first
laid eyes on her...
Not a second has gone by...
That I haven't been totally...
Faithfully...
And deeply in love.
Well, if the birds
Can reach the sky
To this land
I'll be with you
Till the sun bursts
from your sigh
With my hands
I'll reach to you
Take me, Brad.
Take me now.
Take me now.
Brad...
Brad?
Brad.
Brad?
Brad?
Brad?
Brad!
Mr. Kimble,
would you stand up, please?
Uh...
I don't, uh...
Stand?
Boy: Uh-oh.
He's got to time the wood.
You know, um, to be
honest, my leg's asleep.
[Bell rings]
Actually, they're both asleep.
[Whack]
I don't remember
having excused anyone.
Aw...
Aw...
Boy: I hate when he does that.
The end of the school year's
but a week away.
And that means that some of you
will finally be graduating high school.
And in honor of this
momentous occasion,
the board of health
has asked me to give you
a little going-away gift,
in the high hopes
that most of you will not...
Litter this planet with your seed.
[Brooke whispering]
Hey, turn around.
Kyle.
Huh?
Take 2.
Oh, hey, uh, no, thank you,
'cause, um, I'm already wearing one.
Dr. Brookie's orders.
[Laughter]
Class dismissed.
I can't believe you
just said that, you creep.
Scum!
Boy: Get a little line going on.
Girl: Sex fiend.
Boy: Hey, let go my Eggo!
Kyle: I was joking.
Yeah, right.
So you going to Kenny's
big party this weekend?
Yeah.
Hola, mamacitas.
Uh, donde esta casa le pepe?
Oh, god.
Them again?
Losers.
No, ok, look, this is
how it works, right?
You got to give them a little
romance, a little mystery,
give some of the myth before
you dive in on the fluff.
2 Fs.
Brad, seriously, get a life.
No, I'm telling you,
Leah, you're wrong.
I mean, Brooke and I
are meant for each other.
Brad... Brad,
she's a wench, ok?
Don't you want someone
who'll appreciate you
as a whole dialectical being?
Yeah, or at least somebody
who maybe digs you.
Same diff, dork.
Semantics are not important here.
Yeah, maybe not, but fate is.
I don't know.
Listen to this.
My last name's Kimble.
Hers is Kingsley.
K-I, K-I.
I mean, we've been seated right next to
each other in school since we were 8.
Ok, ok, fine.
Give me this one.
Brooke and I would look
great in family photos.
How do you know that?
You two have never shared a Kodak moment.
See, that's where you're wrong.
Check this out.
[Humming]
Right here.
Check it out.
See Brooke cheering right here?
So?
There I am.
Bleachers. Row 23.
"I Love Gumby" t-shirt.
I rest my case.
Dude, you're...
Very creepy.
Can I see that?
Sure.
Yeah?
Aah! What are you doing?
Hello. As your best friend,
I need to warn you
that you're dangerously close to
becoming an obsessive freak show.
Brad, you're crushing on a girlie-girl
who doesn't even know your name.
Uh, rod?
It's Brad.
Right.
Brad, listen,
school's over next week,
and I'm so not passing biology.
Uh-huh.
So, you're supposed to be
like a full-on genius.
Uh-huh.
Will you tutor me, Brent?
It's Brad, you mindless...
You know, I...
Would be honored.
Really?
Great, um... ok.
My house, 8:00, Friday
night, dress casual,
and, um...
Bring a big pencil.
[Horn honks]
Ok, see you later.
Wow.
You definitely just had a conversation
with the Brooke Kingsley.
Yeah, man, you didn't
even piss your pants.
[Chortles]
Right on, Kimble.
You know she totally
goes all the way, right?
How would you know?
She's got the hair color...
Big factor.
Invisible pantyline.
Trust me. I know.
Is it just you three, or is your
entire gender completely mental?
No, it's pretty much all of us.
This is it, guys.
Fate.
You know, Bradley,
when I was your age,
it was all I could think about.
Now, the first time is
always the most important.
So you need to
remember 3 things:
Number 1...
Always treat her with respect.
2... never push her faster
than she wants to go.
And most importantly,
always make sure that
she's well lubricated.
She drinks a lot of oil.
She's my pride and joy, Bradley,
and tonight, you get to
experience all of her majesty.
Leah, how are you?
Rockin', Mrs. K.
Uh, Brad is, uh...
In his cave? Yeah, I know. Have fun.
Ben, I couldn't find my ear...
Shh.
You look gorgeous.
Are you sure we shouldn't
take the jag tonight?
Oh, let's let the kid
have a little fun, huh?
Amazing. All this existential
hell over a cheerleader bimbo?
Hey.
Ok, here we go.
Well?
Yeah, it'll do.
Ok. All right.
[Sniffs]
Wait a minute.
What?
Let me see your hand, Brad.
What?
Your hand.
My hand?
Yes.
Other one.
It's...
God, it's been 4 days
since she scribbled that.
Don't you bathe?
Yeah, I bathe. Plenty. I mean...
What do you do, ziploc your
digits every time you shower?
Wow.
What? What?
Check this, Valentino, ok?
Look, we've been best
friends since, like, sperm.
And every time you get
hurt, I have to be...
Nice to you for a good 2 weeks, and...
I hate that, so let me school you
on what's gonna happen tonight.
Sit.
Ok, I'll be Brooke.
You, be Brooke?
Right.
Yeah. It's really quite simple to do.
Just think bobbing-head doll.
Ready?
Hi. I'm Brooke.
I'm a vapid, vacant,
vacuous girlie-girl.
Tee-hee. Hee hee hee.
Yeah. Impressive.
Uh, I think...
Come in, Brett.
I've decorated my desk
extra special for you tonight.
She doesn't have a desk.
What?
A girl like Brooke is
not gonna have a desk.
I mean, it would clash with
her whole bedroom motif.
I mean, she'd have a,
uh, vanity over here.
A, uh, little ribbony pillow
just filled with her
magic Brooke scent.
Yeah, whatever. Anyways, now you
come in, and I'm sitting on the bed.
Lying.
Excuse me?
Come on, you'd be lying on the bed.
Here we go.
Look, I'm Brooke,
not Miss July, ok?
Ok.
This is your big move?
Do you remember Crayola crayons?
Huh?
They have this
one color. Uh...
What was it called?
It was, um...
Oh, yeah.
Blizzard Blue.
That was my favorite
color in the world.
Until tonight, I didn't know why.
That's the very color of your eyes.
My eyes?
Yeah. You know, I...
I schedule my entire day just
to get a glimpse of you.
It could be the worst day ever,
but seeing you...
Makes everything ok.
Does it?
Yeah, it does.
I don't why.
And I want to know...
Know you more.
I want to know you
today, tomorrow,
forever.
Huh? That was
pretty good, huh?
It took me 6 months
to memorize that.
Yeah, and it'll take me
6 months to forget.
What?
You didn't like it.
Christ, I think I'm gonna gag.
It's...
Aw.
Well, here we go now.
When we played tag in grade school
You wanted to be it
But chasin' boys was just a fad
You crossed your heart, and you quit
[Sniffs] Ok.
[Sniffs]
No sweat stains.
No sweat stains. Ok.
I smell good.
Now, just like back in grade school
You're doing the same old thing
[Doorbell rings melody of soundtrack]
Darling, take it slow
Hi, Brad.
It's rod.
I mean, I have a rod.
I mean, you're Brad.
Uh, uh, hi.
Wow. You look like...
Kyle.
Who's the toe jammer?
Brad is helping us study.
Study?
I told you, Kenny Ashton's having a rager
at his parents' house tonight.
Kegs, lots of kegs,
so let's forget the virgin,
and let's jet! Come on.
Put me down, Kyle.
First of all, I am not
so much a chattel.
Uh, chattel... slave, livestock,
or any moveable item...
Shut up.
Sorry.
I knew that.
And "b," my brain
is important to me,
so you are leaving,
and Brad is gonna help me study.
Come in, Brad.
What are you doing?
[Locks door]
She did not just do that.
Brooke!
Brooke, open the door.
Brooke, this is retarded. I'm... big
papa is not waiting outside all night.
Listen, you're really
pissing me off.
[Knocking]
Come on, Brooke.
Stop kidding around.
Ok, so let me get this straight.
Pollination is
the transfer of pollen
from the male reproductive organ stamen
to the female reproductive
organ, the pistil?
That's it, right?
Huh? Uh, yeah.
That's about it.
Wow.
I never knew biology
was so sensual.
It's, um, it's just
like that, um...
That fly you were telling me about.
The, uh...
The tsetse fly?
Yeah. Tsetse fly.
I mean, it hatches,
finds its mate,
and then dies within 24 hours.
It's so romantic.
All those steamy glances
and taunting kisses.
Smooth sensation
of skin against skin.
Incredible mind-bending sex.
Tsetse fly, man...
So intense.
Way intense.
Ahem. Brooke...
Do you remember Crayola crayons?
Why?
Is that gonna be on the test?
[Telephone rings]
Hello.
Kyle: You finished
playing student yet?
No, Kyle.
We're still studying.
Screw that, and let's party!
Whoo-hoo!
[Belches]
Kyle, how many times
do I have to tell you?
I need to study.
Why bother? You've already
got everything you need...
A hot bod and your old man's
money, so what time...
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't cry. No.
What do you...
Tissue.
Tissue.
Over here? Over here?
Over on the...
The vanity. Right.
Tissue, tissue, tissue.
Ohh! [Stumbles]
Ohh!
Tissue.
Thank you.
Are all guys jerks?
Uh-huh.
You're sweet.
And you listen to me.
[Whispering]
Shh. Not so loud.
You'll give me a bad rep.
What's so hard to get?
All a girl wants
is a little romance,
to be swept off her feet.
I mean, is that so much to ask?
You know, I don't know about
other guys, but if...
If we were...
Together...
I would treat you like a queen...
A goddess.
Brad...
I know this is gonna
sound corny, but...
Um...
Will you give me a hug?
[Laughs]
That feels better.
Thanks.
Do you want to...
[Laughs]
Oh, god, it feels
good to hug you.
Epic.
Brad...
Breathe.
[Laughs]
Oh, god.
You don't know how many times I've
dreamed of this exact moment.
How many times?
Tell me.
As many times as there
are stars in the sky.
Right answer. Tell me more.
You, me, together as one.
More.
Running my hands through your golden hair.
More.
Touching your velvet lips.
More.
God.
Caressing my supple breasts?
We played a show,
and no one came
We played and played it
just the same
Um, Brad, do you have anything?
Not a thing.
I'm perfectly healthy.
You know, to be honest, I don't
really get out all that much.
No. Um, no,
that's not what I meant.
I mean, do you have,
you know, protection?
Ohh.
Yeah. Just give me
a couple of seconds.
I'll be right back,
in 5 minutes? Tops.
[Dog barking]
Big dog.
Hey, mister, mister,
wash your windows?
No, thank you.
Wash your windows, $2.00.
Thank you very much, though.
You can't pass up
a bargain like that.
You smell like...
I know that smell.
That's a 1972 X.K.E.
It is a '72.
Oh, that's the last best
year for these babies.
I would absolutely say go
ahead and wash the windows...
Oh. Ok. Uh...
Please, go right ahead,
but if you could just...
I'll get this baby shining
like a brand-new dime.
I saw this girl, and she drove me wild
She looked at me, and I looked and smiled
Come on. Condoms.
Condoms? Condoms?
Where the hell are the condoms?
I have a date
Yeah!
Condoms, condoms, condoms.
Cones, papa-stopper, jimmy hats,
doggy bags, oven mit,
crash helmet, condoms!
Oh, where are they?
Where are they?
Holy sweet Mary, mother of god.
Trojans.
I have a date
Yup. Reservoir-tipped is
always a good selection.
Got to use ribbed, kid.
The chicks will appreciate it.
[Squeaking]
Good evening.
How we doing?
Much better now.
Thank you.
[Beep]
[Beep]
[Bonk]
[Bonk]
[Bonk bonk bonk]
Uh, Leon, could I
get a price check...
A 12-pack of Trojan prophylactics?
What's a propho-pactic?
Can I have one, too?
No.
I need a propho-pactic!
I have to have a propho-pactic!
Get me a propho-pactic!
Leon on P.A.:
Grace, is that jumbo or peewee?
No, it's just...
You know, actually,
why don't I just give you a 20?
Buy something nice for your kids.
I don't have any kids.
There's a shocker.
Go out and buy yourself
a couple of mags, ok?
Thank you.
[Boy screaming]
Ok, I left my wallet in the car.
I'll be back in, like, one second.
[Engine revving]
[Tires squeal]
Hey, Mike, come back!
[Alarm ringing]
[Boy and man screaming]
[Brad whimpering]
I am so screwed.
Ohh. I mean really.
I mean, how many people even really want
a silver classic 1972 Jaguar X.K.E.?
The only reason I ask, you know,
it's just, like, my life
we're discussing here!
Don't get your hopes up.
We suspect that gangs are
making their way into the area.
Car's probably sawed in half and on
its way to south America by now.
My advice...
[Whimpers]
Go home.
Go to your girlfriend's.
Just try not to think about it.
Home.
Go to my girlfriend's.
Brooke.
I'm so dead.
Brooke's gonna kill me.
At least I have Brooke.
Wait a second.
What am I gonna say to her?
Little bit late here.
No, you don't have a car.
All right, uh, let's see.
You were...
Delivering toys...
To orphans...
And... and you had to...
Save them from a burning building.
Excellent sympathy factor.
Aw.
Oh... oh, no.
Smudged.
All right, all right, all right.
This is bad.
Real bad.
Odds are it's probably a...
[Telephone ringing]
Brooke?
Recording of man:
Hello, and welcome to Movie Phone.
If you know the name of the...
Uh...
All right, it's not a 7.
Then it would be a...
[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
Girl: Ugh. I just scarfed down 2 burritos.
Oh, hey, Trish.
What's up?
Think I have a problem.
[Dial tone melody]
Recording of woman:
We're sorry. Your call cannot be...
How do you guys think Brad's
doing with old Brookie?
Well, if he's attempting the old
sexual-predator, Kyle-monster thing,
he's sunk.
But if he's doing a Brad,
he'll be just fine.
"Doing a Brad"?
Yeah, a Brad.
You know, Brad's a stand-up guy.
You know, Brad's your bud.
Brad's, uh, you know...
Your best friend.
Exactly.
Brad's your best friend.
See, chicks totally dig that.
That and good wood.
Hmm. You really think so?
Good wood is very important.
[Ring]
Hello.
Brad: Leah, need your help.
Brad?
What? What's wrong?
Well, ok, I'm in a bit
of a jam here.
I need you
to come pick me up now.
Pick you up?
Where are you?
Brad: Downtown.
Downtown?
How in the hell did you get there?
Leah, I don't really
have time to explain this now!
If you could just
come and pick me up,
I mean, is that such
a big thing to ask?!
Uh, pop a stress tab,
why don't ya?
I'm begging, ok?
I'm here on my knees.
I am actually physically
groveling.
Can you hear this?
[Brad's hand slapping pavement]
Please!
Come pick me up.
Fine, I'm on my way.
Thank you.
Ok, um...
I'm gonna hop on a bus.
I'll meet you halfway.
Like the corner
of 5th and reseda.
Is that ok? Ok?!
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I heard you.
I'll be there.
Oh, come on, man.
You made them too big.
I can't even see her face.
You just don't get it, do you?
Ahh.
Ohh, god. What a night.
Uh...
Uh, god. You know what?
Actually,
I don't have any money.
Um, see, no, no, no.
I had my wallet...
Can I just tell you something?
Every single day...
You kids make me stop.
This is the first time that I...
Then you hop on...
And you stiff me
out of the fare, huh?
See, I've never
actually been on a...
What's that sign read, huh?
"Exact change only"!
65 cents, right?
Uh, yeah, um...
[Honk honk]
65 cents, right?
Not 64.
Not 66.
65 cents!
Do you see a sign
anywhere that says,
"come on, bro, hop on board,
I'll take you anywhere
you wanna go"?
[Laughing]
Well, I don't think so!
Yiii!
"Exact change only," right?
"Exact change only."
See, you gen-x, mocha-sipping,
chain-smoking slackers
need to learn to listen!
Whoa!
Ohh!
[High-pitched]
My balls.
Need to learn there's no such
thing in life as free rides!
You know, I don't know
why I do this.
He can't just expect me to take
care of things all the time.
And all for a girlie-girl
ugh! God.
Leah!
Hey! Hey!
Leah to the rescue
to hump with Brooke.
Ugh.
Hey, Leah!
It's Brad!
So who's gonna be at Kenny Ashton's?
Trish: Kegs.
Lots of them.
Well, I'm supposed to be studying, but...
Brooke: I think he's playing hard to get.
Brad:
I wanna get off now!
Brad: Aah!
[Laughing]
Whoa!
[Engine revs]
Oh.
Next time, maybe you'll remember!
No free rides!
[Breathing heavily]
[Whimpers]
[Sirens]
Oh, no.
Aw, shit.
This is not good.
[Glass shatters]
This not good.
[Glass shatters and woman screaming]
Oh, this is so not good.
This just isn't right.
Just not...
[Gunshot]
Man: Bitch!
Oh, this is really not good.
No.
[Latin dance music playing]
[Noisy conversations]
Hi.
[Needle scratches record, music stops]
Hola.
Wow. What a great place
you guys, uh, have here.
Uh, I was actually wondering
if there's a pay phone
around somewhere.
Pop in a peso,
reach out and touch someone.
Whoops. You dropped
something there.
Uh, pay phone somewhere nearby
I could use.
[Locks on front door clack]
Wait a second!
Wait a second!
Actually, I know how to say
this sentence in Spanish.
What... you like that?
What are the chances... hi.
What are the chances?
Um, it was, uh, adonde dinero?
[Sniffing]
No, no, no.
[Laughing]
[Sniffs]
I got it! I got it!
[Speaking Spanish]
[High-pitched]
What's the matter?
Did I mispronounce it?
Hola, chulo.
[Giggling]
Como esta, mmm?
Me gusta ese hombre.
Esta rico...
Suave.
[Gulp]
My sister says
that you look like
that guy in baywatch.
Como se llama? Es...
Davd Hasselhoff.
That's her favorite show, man.
Yeah? Me, too.
Baila conmigo, chulo!
My little sister says that she wants
to dance with you the salsa contest.
[Blows kiss]
Hey, that is flattering.
It is, but now's
not a great time.
See, there's a girl that I
really gotta get back to.
This is her, and...
Get out of here!
Whoo!
Ooh! Mmm. Mmm.
Salsa!
Woman:
Moment by moment
The fever is starting
to rise
Whoo!
I feel the heat
In my veins
from the fire in your eyes
David Hasselhoff.
No one makes me feel
The way you do
No one gets me hot
Just like you do
You and you alone
Can set my soul
On fire
Puta, es m'ijo!
Sangrona!
Pendeja
aah!
You and you alone
That's my
Desire
You and you alone
That's my
Desire
[Music ends]
[Cheering]
Good boy, eh?
Ey!
Los ganadores son seorita Roja
y Davd Hasselhoff.
[Speaking Spanish]
Eh?
$100.
You won, seor Hasselhoff.
Besame.
[Panting]
What the hell was that?
Ok.
Ok.
Ok, quick inventory.
You just won a dance contest,
you're completely lost,
and you're about to become
a chili mama love slave.
[Pounding on door]
Man: Hey, David Hasselhoff!
Open up, ese!
My sister loves you, man!
She wants to macarena with you!
Woman: Por favor, seor Hasselhoff!
La proxima es la macarena!
Man: Hey!
Woman: Yo te amo!
Man: Hello!
Woman: Mi amor!
Mi amor!
Ok, it's official.
I...
Am in hell.
Huh?
Hey, that's a jag!
Stop! Stop!
Whoa! Oof.
[Hydraulics]
I think you guys have my dad's car.
[Snaps]
No, it ain't, pinche gringo.
This is my ride, fool.
Puto.
Well, um, I don't know who pluto is,
but, uh...
Ok. Ok, maybe, um...
May... maybe this will
clear everything up.
Uh...
See, before I got my license
my mom totally freaked out on me,
'cause, you know, her only child
was out driving
on the "Mean Streets,"
so before I could drive an inch...
And this is gonna sound
totally cheesy, but...
She bought me one of those
little troll key chains
with the... the spiky,
orange hair.
And I don't know what trolls
have to do with good luck,
but, uh, you know,
it's... it's right here in the glove box
if you just let me, um...
[Squeaks]
See?
Hey, your mom got you
one of those, too?
Yeah.
Right, you and me, caro,
we got a lot in common,
you know what I'm saying?
So let's kick it, homey.
Come on.
[Troll squeaks]
Come chill with the vatos.
So where do you guys
go to school?
Toro reformatory.
Bet they have a pretty
good football team.
Ours kinda sucks
at Dewey weber.
Rah rah.
Dewey?
Ah, man, I know that place.
We tagged it up
a couple months ago.
Wait. Behind the gym?
That was you guys?
That was some really
excellent work.
Bold lettering.
The... the choice
of fluorescent colors.
It was so...
Jejune.
Yeah, well, it runs
in the family, homes.
It's my, uh,
it's my passion.
It's a shame the
janitor washed it off.
[Tires screeching]
They what?
You... your...
Your graffit...
Your artwork.
It's... it's gone.
Chicks, man.
I don't get it.
Soon as you think you're
giving it to them enough,
they tell you you're giving
it to them too much.
Why can't they just be happy
you're giving it to them at all?
I don't know, Kyle. You're pretty
in touch with your feelings, man.
That's 'cause I'm
sensitive, ass-wipe.
Well, you must be.
I mean, you're letting
Brooke fin-slap that Urkel.
Huh.
Hey, isn't that the...
Naw. No way.
Hmm.
[Spray-paint cans rattling]
[Paint spraying]
Hey, Brad!
What you think, homes?
Pretty dope, eh?
Bet you never peeped a
honey this fine, homes.
You know, actually,
there is this one girl
that... that I kinda,
you know...
Hey, hey.
I saved the final touch...
For you.
Right here.
Go ahead, homes,
pop her cherries on.
Oh...
I don't... you know,
I don't think I could...
Come on, you sissy la-la.
Eh, don't worry, ese.
It's on the down-low.
Leader: Don't be
shy there, homes.
Not mosquito bites.
Silver dollars, homes.
Silver dollars!
All right, ese.
You've got some real talent, you know?
Thank you.
You guys aren't so bad yourselves.
Think you should've made
these bigger, though.
Oh, wait. Dripping here.
I hate that.
Drippy nipples.
[Car door shuts]
[Engine starts]
Wait a sec. Guys!
Guys, that's my dad's car!
Hey!
Guys, give me a ride!
Hey!
We're chillin' on the down-low!
Aw.
What did I do to deserve this?
I mean, all I wanted was one
lousy condom! Just one!
Is that really that much to ask?
Just one lousy condom
and 5 minutes!
Just 5 minutes with Brooke!
["Brooke" echoing]
I take it all back.
[Grunts]
Aah!
Aw, you're kidding.
[Shattering noise echoes]
Mmm.
I, uh, ha.
I knew it.
I knew they'd be back.
Goddamned taggers.
Oh, this is so great.
This is so great
It's about time
[Giggling]
P.A.: Freeze, you punk-ass mouse!
I'll break all your bones
and play marbles
with your testicles, boy!
Make a mess out of my school,
I make a mess out of you, fool!
Scumbag!
I knew you filthy maggots
would be back.
Only this time,
I'm flushing you out.
Oh! Oh, ho!
[Large rumbling]
Brad: Aah!
Aah ha ha!
Whoa!
What the hell was that?
Janitor: Stinky asshole!
Come here, you fool!
Ahh.
Maggot!
Oh.
[Grunts]
[Whimpers]
Maggots think you can destroy
taxpayer's property?
Well, think again, pal!
I just wanna get laid.
Hyah!
Shouldn't have messed
with Mr. Clean, maggot!
Hyah!
Aah!
Aah!
[Clang]
[Body falls to ground]
Nowhere.
I just could not get anywhere.
[Muttering]
Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!
Oh.
Oh, god.
Mi amor! Mi amor!
All esta mi amor!
Mi amor
es bonito!
Oh, no.
This is so stupid.
This is so stupid.
I... I should just
tell him how I feel,
just say it.
You know, just say...
Brad...
You rock, man.
[Sighs]
Oh, god. This is stupid,
stupid, stupid...
[Horn honking]
[Watch beeps]
Yeah. Enough.
This is bullshit.
[Starts engine]
No, m'ijo!
Stop, pendejo!
Hey!
I'm not David Hasselhoff!
[Yelling in Spanish]
Aah!
[Engines stops]
Hey.
Hey, Leah...
Aah!
Uh...
Ow.
Ohh.
Brad?
Oh, my god.
What happened to you?
Where have you been?
Oh, I've been
just about everywhere.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Oh, my god. Oh.
Woman: Mi amor!
Mi amor!
Ok, let's go.
[Sniffs]
Have you been eating Mexican?
Now!
Woman: Mi amor!
Man: Mr. Hasselhoff!
Hey!
Brad, where's your dad's car?
You know, Leah, at some
point in the future
we can have this discussion,
but now is really not the time,
so if you could please just
get me back to Brooke's.
Fine. Whatever.
Oh.
Uh, so...
So I guess you guys will
probably be studying,
you know, too late to be going
to Kenny Ashton's party.
Yeah, gonna be studying real late.
Well, I... I was thinking about going.
Really?
That's great!
You know, you should get out.
Uh, don't be a sissy la-la,
you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, well...
Kinda thought, um,
maybe we could go together.
Oh.
Leah, I can't go anywhere.
I mean, I'm this close
to finding true love.
You guys got it on?
I can't believe it.
Why? Why can't
you believe it?
You can't believe that, what,
maybe she found me attractive?
No.
What can't you believe?
Just how could you?
How cou...
You just don't get it, do you?
You know what?
I don't get it.
I don't get how my usually
intelligent best friend
could actually think
he's in love
with a caricature of every
shallow male fantasy...
Whatever.
Just... just drive me
there.
Hey, uh, thanks, Leah.
Listen, about what I said
back there,
I really... I...
I really want...
Leah!
Leah!
Aha.
Brooke.
All right.
Caressing my supple breasts?
Finally.
[Shoes sloshing]
[Doorbell chimes]
Ah.
Hey, Brooke.
[Pebble taps window]
Brooke!
[Pebble taps window]
Sprinklers, man.
All right.
Brooke.
Brookie.
I'm back.
Honey...
Daddy's home.
[Chuckles]
Ah-choo!
Oh.
Ohh.
Where?
Great.
What?
Aah.
Oh!
Wait. Wait.
Oh.
No.
No.
No!
Oh, no!
No, no!
Come on!
No!
Oh, no.
[Glass shattering]
Did you see your assailants?
All I know is those
kids are maggots!
That's just what I thought.
Gangs.
Radio:
7-Mary-3. 7-Mary-3.
We have a 211 in progress
at 741 big wood drive.
10-4, dispatch.
I'm rolling.
All right, just hold still.
It'll just take a second.
Oh! Ooh! Oh!
Aah! Aah! Oh!
[Background music]
how do you know
The way to my
Heart?
How do you know?
Oh.
Kenny Ashton's.
Ok, it's...
All right, vatos.
The party's over.
Place is surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
[Sirens]
I'm gonna have your ass,
you scum.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
How you gonna explain this?
Oh, wait. I know.
You can't.
Officer: Come out!
Oh, why couldn't I have just fallen
in love with Becky chub, huh?
I mean, facial hair's not such
a terrible thing on a girl.
[Growling]
[Barking]
Shh. Shh. Shh.
Officer:
Over here in back! Get him!
I'll cover
the front door! Go!
Good doggy!
Sit! Sit!
Stay! Heel!
Some best friend!
Keep away!
Nice...
Doggy!
[Chain rattling in the distance]
Ok.
All right.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Oh, god.
Oh, shit.
[Classical music playing]
[Disco music begins playing]
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burnin' love now
Burnin'
To my surprise
Listen
100 stories high
Is it just me,
or is everybody acting
really weird tonight?
I mean, what was that, disco?
On the roof here
Whatever.
Doesn't really matter.
Huh?
[Barking]
Uh-oh.
Oh, give me a break.
Whoo!
Oh. Ohh.
It feels good to get
down, doesn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Sure beats the hell
out of that barn-dancing.
Mmm.
Ben.
Outside.
What's going on?
Brad: Hey!
Just go way, dog!
It's Friday night, and they're
destroying private property.
Probably one of those crack-tagging
gangers or something.
I better call the police.
Damn kids.
Aah!
[Dog barking]
Look, Scooby snack!
Go get a Scooby snack!
Stay! Stay!
Heel! Heel!
Go! Shoo!
Shoo!
Get out of here!
[Yelps]
[Barking]
Radio dispatch:
7-Mary-3. 7-Mary-3.
We have a breaking and entering
at the Greenhouse Country Club.
Uh-oh.
Uhh...
[Sirens]
Aah aah aah!
Aah! Oh!
[Sniffing]
Hey!
You still owe me
$2.00.
Leah: Oh!
That sucks.
No.
Maybe it's some sort of...
Hormonal imbalance.
Maybe she's possessed.
Know what I think it is?
I think we are witnessing
the dreaded PMS beast.
Whoa.
Yeah.
So?
Well, how's it look?
Dude, you have breasts.
Ohh! Your stupid male
observations do not apply to me!
Ok. Leah,
let him live.
Don't touch me!
I'm sorry. It's just that we're
not used to seeing you with,
uh, mmm, er... that way.
What way?!
Well, in girlie clothes.
You say the word "girlie"
one more time,
I will not hesitate
to kick your ass!
You sissy la-las are coming to
Kenny Ashton's party with me.
Uh-uh. No way.
Josh here is still in training.
He's not yet had
the full benefit
of my expert tutelage
and guidance.
He...
Don't say it.
You think I could just
have my old clothes back?
Brooke's not really into vinyl.
Uh, who's Brooke?
Only the greatest girl ever to
walk the face of the Earth.
Oh, one of those?
No, not one of those.
Brooke's...
She's different, you know?
She's...
She's the girl of my dreams.
Oh, dreams.
Dreams and love.
Dreams and love.
Funny thing about dreams.
When you're dreaming,
your eyes are closed.
So close your eyes.
Dream.
Ow!
You dick!
That's... that's what
I'm trying to tell...
You gotta look at this world
with eyes wide open.
Wide open.
Now, the advice was free,
but the clothes...
The clothes are gonna cost you.
Now, that's 65,
85 for the shirt and the jacket.
It's 8 1/2% street tax.
Now, that's 99.18.
$99 for this?
I'll take it back.
No, no, no. You don't
have to take it back.
Hang on.
Hang on one second.
Huh?
I was dancing
in a salsa con... I...
It's not important.
Now...
You got a transaction.
You!
I thought I told you
no free rides!
Wait, wait, wait.
I got the money.
Hey!
Hey!
Let me in, psychopath!
[Cackling]
Let me in!
No! No free rides!
I told you! No!
Walk places!
Open the door!
No!
Huh?
Stop the bus!
You scumbag.
You almost got me killed
for 65 lousy cents!
Hey, looky here, pal!
I got your 65 cents.
I don't want your stinking
free ride, buddy!
Believe me, Mr. Man,
I had to work my slacker butt
a damn-sight harder
to earn this money
than just sit behind
a steering wheel
on my lazy,
psychotic
ass!
[Coins fall in slot]
Oh.
That's all I wanted.
Please take a seat.
[Loud rock and roll music
playing on stereo]
[Sprays]
Hey, thank you...
For conserving fuel
and riding
public transportation.
Enjoy your evening.
Ok.
Nothing's changed.
Brooke still wants you.
I mean, uh,
all I really need is...
[Bus horn honks]
Ohh.
[Shoes squeaking]
Hey.
$4.75.
Uh, gosh, you know what?
I'm, uh, a little short.
No!
I mean, I don't have any money.
Ok, um...
If... if you could just try to
put yourself in my situation.
Just... just for
a second, please.
Haven't you ever been in love?
I mean...
I mean, so in love
that... that just the thought
of being with that someone
was enough to get you
through the day.
Mmm.
Then what if those...
Those...
Those stupid...
Stupid...
Things...
Could make all of your hopes
and dreams come true?
Come on.
Haven't you ever dreamed?
$4.75.
[Sighs]
[Head hits counter]
Say...
Do you remember Crayola crayons?
[Entry bell rings]
All right, nobody move!
Brad, is that you?
Yo, homeys!
Hey, check it out.
What's up, Brad?
Brad, man. Hey.
Scoring some jimmies,
or what, homes?
Trying.
I'm really trying.
But frankly, she's not helping.
Hey, give me the jimmies with the money.
They're $4.75.
I got .357.
It's on us, homey.
[Sirens]
Bullhorn:
All right, vatos...
Aw, man!
The pigs, homes!
There's a shocker.
You're surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
Make it easy on yourselves.
I have your ass, you scum.
[Officers shouting]
You know, Brad,
don't take this the wrong way,
'cause you and me,
we're solid, homes,
but I gotta take you hostage.
[Shotguns pumping]
Brad.
Yeah?
I never really did
this before, you know?
You think you could help out?
Uh...
Yeah. I mean, um...
I'll see what I can do.
Uh...
[Sobbing]
Please don't shoot!
Please!
They're lunatics,
every last one of them!
Your firearms are
useless against them!
Please!
I just wanna live!
[Sobbing]
Hold your fire!
Aw.
Damn.
Hey, that's pretty good, homes.
Thanks. I was drama
club, sophomore year.
Tell my mom I love her.
[Dance music playing]
TV: We interrupt
this program
with a special news bulletin.
Ben, come in here.
...suspected gang members
who have been responsible for the
recent rash of local robberies.
Roadblocks are being set up...
Ben: God, that's terrible.
God, we are so lucky to be
so far away from all this.
Goddamn kids.
Here you go, Brad.
Your jimmies, homes.
Oh, yeah, thanks, man.
Yo, Brad, you know,
I was wondering,
you think maybe
if me and the boys
could hang with you at your
party, you know, uh...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The party. Good idea, good idea.
Let's go there.
Just please get me
back to Brooke, ok?
Mi casa es su casa.
Just get there.
Right on, Brad.
[Hard rock music playing]
Look, I know you're waiting for Brad,
so I'm only going to say this once.
Brad is not just a good guy.
He's a great guy.
He's smart, and he's funny.
He's my best friend
in the whole world.
And for some stupid reason
he's head-over-feet for you.
I don't get it, but...
He's my friend, and you're
the one that he wants,
so treat him right, ok?
Mm-hmm.
[Laughter]
Because if you don't, I'll
ox-ecute you, your friends,
and your fashion accessories,
you tacky bourgeois bitch!
Charming.
Hey, I'm vacating this
ritualized, adolescent display
of hedonistic amorality.
Huh?
What?
I'm leaving. You guys
staying or going?
Both: Stayin'.
Yeah.
Ok, ok.
Here's how it is.
You go for girl, 12 o'clock.
You're gonna get her.
Yes.
Trust me.
Yeah.
So...
When does your
centerfold come out?
Creep.
Brooke, come here.
Oh, joy.
The future wife-beater.
No, listen.
Are you banging
the study hall turd?
Kyle, what are you
talking about?
You and the little...
[Sirens]
That's Brooke! Brooke!
Brooke!
Brooke! It's Brad!
Hey! Aah!
She's talking to Kyle.
7-Mary-3,
suspects are currently headed
northbound on Green Hill Drive,
approximately 300 yards
from your position.
We do have a beam.
Holding for a green light.
Take 'em.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Yo, Brad.
You got insurance?
[Sighs]
Brad:
There is this girl.
This...
This is a girl who's
everything and everyone.
This is a girl who...
Can just rock your world.
Man, this girl...
I look like David Hasselhoff.
And I'm doing this crazy
lambada song.
Janitor man!
One night...
Hit me dead center in the chest.
One night...
Knocks me...
Scary, scary.
This guy has got the I.Q.
Of a cheeseburger.
That's before you guys decide
to use it for target practice.
That's all I wanted.
I wanted one night,
with my one true love.
I didn't know I'd almost
have to die for it!
Love sucks!
It's a 4-letter word.
It's some bullshit,
capitalist conspiracy
made up by greedy florists.
You know what "love"
backwards is?
It's e-v-o-l.
Evil! Pure evil!
Granted, it's spelled differently,
but it's the same thing.
Well, you're either
telling the truth,
or you ought to be locked up
for telling the biggest
goddamn lie ever.
Number one... clean up,
change,
'cause vice will just drag
your ass back in here.
Number 2...
Your belongings.
What's left of your daddy's car.
[Squeak]
Is that it?
No, it isn't.
Let me tell you something, son.
Love is hard to find.
True love is even harder,
damn near impossible.
It took me 22 years,
1,492 blind dates from hell.
So you ask yourself,
haven't you come too far
just to give up?
Yes.
I'm still not one damn step
closer to getting what I need.
You get one phone call, son,
then you get out of here.
Hey, kid.
Make her day.
I believe in
I believe in love
I believe in
You look great.
Is that a new outfit
or something?
You all dressed up
for the party?
I don't need to impress
high school boys.
Then again, maybe I should.
Maybe you'd take heed.
Take heed?
Of what?
You know, I swear to god, Leah,
sometimes I think you and I
know each other
better than any other 2 people
on the face of the Earth.
This is us, you know?
And other times,
I just don't understand
what the hell you're saying.
There's nothing to understand.
Has anybody seen my jacket?
Kyle: Look,
I don't get it.
Are you listening to me?
You kick...
You kick me out
for dweeb boy? Why?
Do you hear someone talking?
I could swear
I hear someone talking.
You are banging him, aren't you?
I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh, Kyle.
I wouldn't worry.
All you're going to need
to get by in this life
are your muscles
and your teeny-weeny,
little...
Brain.
[Giggles]
I'm going to kill
that little rat turd.
I'm going to kill him big-time!
He can't get a cab
'Cause he ain't got
the money
Oh. Ooh, baby.
Yeah.
Ha ha. All right?
All right.
Let's go get her.
I don't...
I don't want to.
Oh. Trust me.
I know.
Let's go.
Come on.
Uh-oh,
we're in trouble
All right.
So, uh...
That's a lovely dress
you have on.
Yeah, it matches perfectly
with my bedspread.
Ow.
Ow.
She must be color blind.
Are you sure you don't want
to just come in for a sec?
No, thanks.
Not my scene.
Hey, Leah, thanks.
No, really, for everything.
Yeah.
Ok.
Hey, b?
Yeah?
Um...
When you kissed her...
I just want to know...
What was it like?
Was it everything
you dreamed of?
Close enough.
Brad?
Yeah.
Look, I don't really know
the best way to say this,
so I'm just going to say it.
I...
Hope you get
everything you want.
I hope she makes you
really happy.
Thanks, Leah.
Uh-oh
We're in trouble
[Sighs]
Excuse me.
Excuse me, do you own
the penis mobile?
I kind of need
to get out of here.
It's not mine.
[Sighs]
Do you have a penis mobile?
Brooke?
Brooke!
Yeah!
Ok.
[Woman speaking Spanish]
Brad: You've got to be kidding me.
Mi amor!
Mi amor!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Brad. Hey.
Oh. Oh, Seth, Josh.
What do you guys
know about Latin women?
Ah. I know Latin women.
Good.
You...
Know nothing!
Mi amor!
Seth: I don't know
Latin women?
Yeah!
Donde esta casa le pepe?
That was me.
That was my line.
Josh: donde esta...
Bite me.
No. donde esta
casa le pepe?
It's the best line ever.
I can't do this.
Trust me.
You know.
Hola.
Mamacita.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
Amigos!
Hey, my sister thinks
you guys look like
Chandler and Ross from Friends.
It's her favorite show.
S, s.
No way.
S, way.
Me, too.
Hey. Hey, and you, you know,
she's right. You do look like Chandler.
I mean, chinos and all that stuff.
There you are.
Where have you been?
I was, uh...
Delivering burning orphans.
Oh.
Come on.
We have some unfinished business.
Leah: Hey, you.
Peenie mobile?
Excuse me.
Peenie mobile?
Peenie...
Ain't got
The measure
of mercy
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
Take me, Brett.
Wait. What?
Take me.
No, that part was good,
but you called me Brett.
My name's Brad.
Not important.
Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
No.
No, no, wait. No.
Do you want to tell
everybody we're...
You know,
together?
But I'm...
I'm going out with Kyle.
Kyle?
Well...
What about...
You and I...
What is this?
Oh.
This.
You see,
this...
Is your lucky night.
What?
You don't know me.
So?
It's just sex.
It's not just sex.
I mean, what about
the steamy glances,
the taunting kisses?
Hello.
I was talking about a fly.
You know...
When I finally do this,
I want it to be
absolutely perfect.
I... I want it to be
with someone who knows me.
Somebody who's, like, your best friend
in the world, you know? Somebody like...
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
[Toilet flushes]
Boy: Do it.
Just do it.
Boy: I got to go
to the bathroom!
[Knocking on door]
Open up!
So...
Wanna rattle?
I got to pee!
[Knock on door]
Somebody want a good vibration?
Better sit down and hear my sound
Ship out, not here, get out
That's the burden of
the devil's right hand
Go!
Seth! Josh!
Seth: Yeah?
Where's Leah?
She just b-bailed.
Oops. Hey.
Not now, Kyle.
No. See,
first, you're up in the bedroom.
Oh, yeah.
And then, you're scoring
jimmies at the A&P.
Now...
Brooke: You guys are such jerks.
Pssh.
Crowd: Oh!
I'm going to kick your
ass all over this party.
Hey.
Good doggy.
Fetch!
[Barks]
[Kyle groaning]
Good doggy.
[Laughter]
Leah!
Leah! Wait!
Finished with Brooke already?
Oh, come on, Leah, please...
No, sorry, stud, but if
you're looking for help
in the self-control department,
I can't help you there.
Leah, Leah, nothing happened.
I couldn't.
I mean, you know, I could have.
She was right there on the counter.
Leah, Leah, please.
I know you're upset.
No, I am not upset, Brad.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of listening to
your childish fantasies.
So please save your fate and
Crayola crap for someone else,
because all you're looking
for is heartache and pain.
Trust me, I know.
Leah, Leah.
Stop, stop, stop. Stop.
Please, please.
Just listen to me.
I have been looking for
something all night long...
And it has caused me nothing
but heartache and pain.
But that's only because I was
looking for the wrong thing.
You see...
I realized...
That this whole time...
I should've been looking
right in front of me.
What?
I should've been looking for you.
What?
Listen.
Even I don't know the
best way to say this,
so I'm just going to say it,
ok?
Ok.
Everything you dreamed of?
Close enough.
To the crowd
To the world
You were so dry
And with the token bird I made
Sent here to fly
Right to your side
With a broken wing
You sailed
Oh, like winter
It's your life
A barren river wide
I'll pray for the flood
To wash on you
It's here
I'll be with you
[Humming]
Well, if the birds
Can reach the sky
To this land
I'll be with you
Till the sun bursts
From your sigh
With my hands
I'll reach to you
When you think
Your chance is passing by
When you blow
Your moon away
I'll bleed like a reed
Fall with your night
It's here
I'll be with you
[Humming]
To the crowd
To the world
You were so dry
And with the token bird I made
Sent here to fly
Right to your side
With a broken wing
You sailed
Oh, like winter
It's your life
A barren river wide
I'll pray for the flood
To wash on you
It's here
I'll stay with you
[Humming]
It's here
I'll be with you
Oh
Oh, oh, oh
I'll fall
I'll fall
I'll fall
I'll fall
Ah
I'll fall
I'll fall
Ah
I'll fall
I'll fall
[Humming]
I've got a flair
For pulling your hair
And making you crazy
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I do well
I've got a flair
For making you care
You know you should hate me
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I do well
And you know I never meant
To hurt no one
But I've got a knack
For getting things undone
And I've got a way of ruining your fun
All the time
I've got a flair
For holding a stare
And holding you downtown
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I can tell
And you know I never meant
To hurt no one
But I've got a knack
For getting things undone
And I've got a way of ruining your fun
All the time
I've got a flair
For gettin' in your hair
And making you crazy
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I do well
It's something I do well
To the world
You were so dry
And with a token bird
I made...
Boy: Once in a lifetime,
a girl comes along who's
the center of your universe.
A girl who's everything
and everyone.
A girl who can rock your world.
Well, Brooke Kingsley
is all that and more.
And ever since I first
laid eyes on her...
Not a second has gone by...
That I haven't been totally...
Faithfully...
And deeply in love.
Well, if the birds
Can reach the sky
To this land
I'll be with you
Till the sun bursts
from your sigh
With my hands
I'll reach to you
Take me, Brad.
Take me now.
Take me now.
Brad...
Brad?
Brad.
Brad?
Brad?
Brad?
Brad!
Mr. Kimble,
would you stand up, please?
Uh...
I don't, uh...
Stand?
Boy: Uh-oh.
He's got to time the wood.
You know, um, to be
honest, my leg's asleep.
[Bell rings]
Actually, they're both asleep.
[Whack]
I don't remember
having excused anyone.
Aw...
Aw...
Boy: I hate when he does that.
The end of the school year's
but a week away.
And that means that some of you
will finally be graduating high school.
And in honor of this
momentous occasion,
the board of health
has asked me to give you
a little going-away gift,
in the high hopes
that most of you will not...
Litter this planet with your seed.
[Brooke whispering]
Hey, turn around.
Kyle.
Huh?
Take 2.
Oh, hey, uh, no, thank you,
'cause, um, I'm already wearing one.
Dr. Brookie's orders.
[Laughter]
Class dismissed.
I can't believe you
just said that, you creep.
Scum!
Boy: Get a little line going on.
Girl: Sex fiend.
Boy: Hey, let go my Eggo!
Kyle: I was joking.
Yeah, right.
So you going to Kenny's
big party this weekend?
Yeah.
Hola, mamacitas.
Uh, donde esta casa le pepe?
Oh, god.
Them again?
Losers.
No, ok, look, this is
how it works, right?
You got to give them a little
romance, a little mystery,
give some of the myth before
you dive in on the fluff.
2 Fs.
Brad, seriously, get a life.
No, I'm telling you,
Leah, you're wrong.
I mean, Brooke and I
are meant for each other.
Brad... Brad,
she's a wench, ok?
Don't you want someone
who'll appreciate you
as a whole dialectical being?
Yeah, or at least somebody
who maybe digs you.
Same diff, dork.
Semantics are not important here.
Yeah, maybe not, but fate is.
I don't know.
Listen to this.
My last name's Kimble.
Hers is Kingsley.
K-I, K-I.
I mean, we've been seated right next to
each other in school since we were 8.
Ok, ok, fine.
Give me this one.
Brooke and I would look
great in family photos.
How do you know that?
You two have never shared a Kodak moment.
See, that's where you're wrong.
Check this out.
[Humming]
Right here.
Check it out.
See Brooke cheering right here?
So?
There I am.
Bleachers. Row 23.
"I Love Gumby" t-shirt.
I rest my case.
Dude, you're...
Very creepy.
Can I see that?
Sure.
Yeah?
Aah! What are you doing?
Hello. As your best friend,
I need to warn you
that you're dangerously close to
becoming an obsessive freak show.
Brad, you're crushing on a girlie-girl
who doesn't even know your name.
Uh, rod?
It's Brad.
Right.
Brad, listen,
school's over next week,
and I'm so not passing biology.
Uh-huh.
So, you're supposed to be
like a full-on genius.
Uh-huh.
Will you tutor me, Brent?
It's Brad, you mindless...
You know, I...
Would be honored.
Really?
Great, um... ok.
My house, 8:00, Friday
night, dress casual,
and, um...
Bring a big pencil.
[Horn honks]
Ok, see you later.
Wow.
You definitely just had a conversation
with the Brooke Kingsley.
Yeah, man, you didn't
even piss your pants.
[Chortles]
Right on, Kimble.
You know she totally
goes all the way, right?
How would you know?
She's got the hair color...
Big factor.
Invisible pantyline.
Trust me. I know.
Is it just you three, or is your
entire gender completely mental?
No, it's pretty much all of us.
This is it, guys.
Fate.
You know, Bradley,
when I was your age,
it was all I could think about.
Now, the first time is
always the most important.
So you need to
remember 3 things:
Number 1...
Always treat her with respect.
2... never push her faster
than she wants to go.
And most importantly,
always make sure that
she's well lubricated.
She drinks a lot of oil.
She's my pride and joy, Bradley,
and tonight, you get to
experience all of her majesty.
Leah, how are you?
Rockin', Mrs. K.
Uh, Brad is, uh...
In his cave? Yeah, I know. Have fun.
Ben, I couldn't find my ear...
Shh.
You look gorgeous.
Are you sure we shouldn't
take the jag tonight?
Oh, let's let the kid
have a little fun, huh?
Amazing. All this existential
hell over a cheerleader bimbo?
Hey.
Ok, here we go.
Well?
Yeah, it'll do.
Ok. All right.
[Sniffs]
Wait a minute.
What?
Let me see your hand, Brad.
What?
Your hand.
My hand?
Yes.
Other one.
It's...
God, it's been 4 days
since she scribbled that.
Don't you bathe?
Yeah, I bathe. Plenty. I mean...
What do you do, ziploc your
digits every time you shower?
Wow.
What? What?
Check this, Valentino, ok?
Look, we've been best
friends since, like, sperm.
And every time you get
hurt, I have to be...
Nice to you for a good 2 weeks, and...
I hate that, so let me school you
on what's gonna happen tonight.
Sit.
Ok, I'll be Brooke.
You, be Brooke?
Right.
Yeah. It's really quite simple to do.
Just think bobbing-head doll.
Ready?
Hi. I'm Brooke.
I'm a vapid, vacant,
vacuous girlie-girl.
Tee-hee. Hee hee hee.
Yeah. Impressive.
Uh, I think...
Come in, Brett.
I've decorated my desk
extra special for you tonight.
She doesn't have a desk.
What?
A girl like Brooke is
not gonna have a desk.
I mean, it would clash with
her whole bedroom motif.
I mean, she'd have a,
uh, vanity over here.
A, uh, little ribbony pillow
just filled with her
magic Brooke scent.
Yeah, whatever. Anyways, now you
come in, and I'm sitting on the bed.
Lying.
Excuse me?
Come on, you'd be lying on the bed.
Here we go.
Look, I'm Brooke,
not Miss July, ok?
Ok.
This is your big move?
Do you remember Crayola crayons?
Huh?
They have this
one color. Uh...
What was it called?
It was, um...
Oh, yeah.
Blizzard Blue.
That was my favorite
color in the world.
Until tonight, I didn't know why.
That's the very color of your eyes.
My eyes?
Yeah. You know, I...
I schedule my entire day just
to get a glimpse of you.
It could be the worst day ever,
but seeing you...
Makes everything ok.
Does it?
Yeah, it does.
I don't why.
And I want to know...
Know you more.
I want to know you
today, tomorrow,
forever.
Huh? That was
pretty good, huh?
It took me 6 months
to memorize that.
Yeah, and it'll take me
6 months to forget.
What?
You didn't like it.
Christ, I think I'm gonna gag.
It's...
Aw.
Well, here we go now.
When we played tag in grade school
You wanted to be it
But chasin' boys was just a fad
You crossed your heart, and you quit
[Sniffs] Ok.
[Sniffs]
No sweat stains.
No sweat stains. Ok.
I smell good.
Now, just like back in grade school
You're doing the same old thing
[Doorbell rings melody of soundtrack]
Darling, take it slow
Hi, Brad.
It's rod.
I mean, I have a rod.
I mean, you're Brad.
Uh, uh, hi.
Wow. You look like...
Kyle.
Who's the toe jammer?
Brad is helping us study.
Study?
I told you, Kenny Ashton's having a rager
at his parents' house tonight.
Kegs, lots of kegs,
so let's forget the virgin,
and let's jet! Come on.
Put me down, Kyle.
First of all, I am not
so much a chattel.
Uh, chattel... slave, livestock,
or any moveable item...
Shut up.
Sorry.
I knew that.
And "b," my brain
is important to me,
so you are leaving,
and Brad is gonna help me study.
Come in, Brad.
What are you doing?
[Locks door]
She did not just do that.
Brooke!
Brooke, open the door.
Brooke, this is retarded. I'm... big
papa is not waiting outside all night.
Listen, you're really
pissing me off.
[Knocking]
Come on, Brooke.
Stop kidding around.
Ok, so let me get this straight.
Pollination is
the transfer of pollen
from the male reproductive organ stamen
to the female reproductive
organ, the pistil?
That's it, right?
Huh? Uh, yeah.
That's about it.
Wow.
I never knew biology
was so sensual.
It's, um, it's just
like that, um...
That fly you were telling me about.
The, uh...
The tsetse fly?
Yeah. Tsetse fly.
I mean, it hatches,
finds its mate,
and then dies within 24 hours.
It's so romantic.
All those steamy glances
and taunting kisses.
Smooth sensation
of skin against skin.
Incredible mind-bending sex.
Tsetse fly, man...
So intense.
Way intense.
Ahem. Brooke...
Do you remember Crayola crayons?
Why?
Is that gonna be on the test?
[Telephone rings]
Hello.
Kyle: You finished
playing student yet?
No, Kyle.
We're still studying.
Screw that, and let's party!
Whoo-hoo!
[Belches]
Kyle, how many times
do I have to tell you?
I need to study.
Why bother? You've already
got everything you need...
A hot bod and your old man's
money, so what time...
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't cry. No.
What do you...
Tissue.
Tissue.
Over here? Over here?
Over on the...
The vanity. Right.
Tissue, tissue, tissue.
Ohh! [Stumbles]
Ohh!
Tissue.
Thank you.
Are all guys jerks?
Uh-huh.
You're sweet.
And you listen to me.
[Whispering]
Shh. Not so loud.
You'll give me a bad rep.
What's so hard to get?
All a girl wants
is a little romance,
to be swept off her feet.
I mean, is that so much to ask?
You know, I don't know about
other guys, but if...
If we were...
Together...
I would treat you like a queen...
A goddess.
Brad...
I know this is gonna
sound corny, but...
Um...
Will you give me a hug?
[Laughs]
That feels better.
Thanks.
Do you want to...
[Laughs]
Oh, god, it feels
good to hug you.
Epic.
Brad...
Breathe.
[Laughs]
Oh, god.
You don't know how many times I've
dreamed of this exact moment.
How many times?
Tell me.
As many times as there
are stars in the sky.
Right answer. Tell me more.
You, me, together as one.
More.
Running my hands through your golden hair.
More.
Touching your velvet lips.
More.
God.
Caressing my supple breasts?
We played a show,
and no one came
We played and played it
just the same
Um, Brad, do you have anything?
Not a thing.
I'm perfectly healthy.
You know, to be honest, I don't
really get out all that much.
No. Um, no,
that's not what I meant.
I mean, do you have,
you know, protection?
Ohh.
Yeah. Just give me
a couple of seconds.
I'll be right back,
in 5 minutes? Tops.
[Dog barking]
Big dog.
Hey, mister, mister,
wash your windows?
No, thank you.
Wash your windows, $2.00.
Thank you very much, though.
You can't pass up
a bargain like that.
You smell like...
I know that smell.
That's a 1972 X.K.E.
It is a '72.
Oh, that's the last best
year for these babies.
I would absolutely say go
ahead and wash the windows...
Oh. Ok. Uh...
Please, go right ahead,
but if you could just...
I'll get this baby shining
like a brand-new dime.
I saw this girl, and she drove me wild
She looked at me, and I looked and smiled
Come on. Condoms.
Condoms? Condoms?
Where the hell are the condoms?
I have a date
Yeah!
Condoms, condoms, condoms.
Cones, papa-stopper, jimmy hats,
doggy bags, oven mit,
crash helmet, condoms!
Oh, where are they?
Where are they?
Holy sweet Mary, mother of god.
Trojans.
I have a date
Yup. Reservoir-tipped is
always a good selection.
Got to use ribbed, kid.
The chicks will appreciate it.
[Squeaking]
Good evening.
How we doing?
Much better now.
Thank you.
[Beep]
[Beep]
[Bonk]
[Bonk]
[Bonk bonk bonk]
Uh, Leon, could I
get a price check...
A 12-pack of Trojan prophylactics?
What's a propho-pactic?
Can I have one, too?
No.
I need a propho-pactic!
I have to have a propho-pactic!
Get me a propho-pactic!
Leon on P.A.:
Grace, is that jumbo or peewee?
No, it's just...
You know, actually,
why don't I just give you a 20?
Buy something nice for your kids.
I don't have any kids.
There's a shocker.
Go out and buy yourself
a couple of mags, ok?
Thank you.
[Boy screaming]
Ok, I left my wallet in the car.
I'll be back in, like, one second.
[Engine revving]
[Tires squeal]
Hey, Mike, come back!
[Alarm ringing]
[Boy and man screaming]
[Brad whimpering]
I am so screwed.
Ohh. I mean really.
I mean, how many people even really want
a silver classic 1972 Jaguar X.K.E.?
The only reason I ask, you know,
it's just, like, my life
we're discussing here!
Don't get your hopes up.
We suspect that gangs are
making their way into the area.
Car's probably sawed in half and on
its way to south America by now.
My advice...
[Whimpers]
Go home.
Go to your girlfriend's.
Just try not to think about it.
Home.
Go to my girlfriend's.
Brooke.
I'm so dead.
Brooke's gonna kill me.
At least I have Brooke.
Wait a second.
What am I gonna say to her?
Little bit late here.
No, you don't have a car.
All right, uh, let's see.
You were...
Delivering toys...
To orphans...
And... and you had to...
Save them from a burning building.
Excellent sympathy factor.
Aw.
Oh... oh, no.
Smudged.
All right, all right, all right.
This is bad.
Real bad.
Odds are it's probably a...
[Telephone ringing]
Brooke?
Recording of man:
Hello, and welcome to Movie Phone.
If you know the name of the...
Uh...
All right, it's not a 7.
Then it would be a...
[Telephone ringing]
Hello?
Girl: Ugh. I just scarfed down 2 burritos.
Oh, hey, Trish.
What's up?
Think I have a problem.
[Dial tone melody]
Recording of woman:
We're sorry. Your call cannot be...
How do you guys think Brad's
doing with old Brookie?
Well, if he's attempting the old
sexual-predator, Kyle-monster thing,
he's sunk.
But if he's doing a Brad,
he'll be just fine.
"Doing a Brad"?
Yeah, a Brad.
You know, Brad's a stand-up guy.
You know, Brad's your bud.
Brad's, uh, you know...
Your best friend.
Exactly.
Brad's your best friend.
See, chicks totally dig that.
That and good wood.
Hmm. You really think so?
Good wood is very important.
[Ring]
Hello.
Brad: Leah, need your help.
Brad?
What? What's wrong?
Well, ok, I'm in a bit
of a jam here.
I need you
to come pick me up now.
Pick you up?
Where are you?
Brad: Downtown.
Downtown?
How in the hell did you get there?
Leah, I don't really
have time to explain this now!
If you could just
come and pick me up,
I mean, is that such
a big thing to ask?!
Uh, pop a stress tab,
why don't ya?
I'm begging, ok?
I'm here on my knees.
I am actually physically
groveling.
Can you hear this?
[Brad's hand slapping pavement]
Please!
Come pick me up.
Fine, I'm on my way.
Thank you.
Ok, um...
I'm gonna hop on a bus.
I'll meet you halfway.
Like the corner
of 5th and reseda.
Is that ok? Ok?!
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I heard you.
I'll be there.
Oh, come on, man.
You made them too big.
I can't even see her face.
You just don't get it, do you?
Ahh.
Ohh, god. What a night.
Uh...
Uh, god. You know what?
Actually,
I don't have any money.
Um, see, no, no, no.
I had my wallet...
Can I just tell you something?
Every single day...
You kids make me stop.
This is the first time that I...
Then you hop on...
And you stiff me
out of the fare, huh?
See, I've never
actually been on a...
What's that sign read, huh?
"Exact change only"!
65 cents, right?
Uh, yeah, um...
[Honk honk]
65 cents, right?
Not 64.
Not 66.
65 cents!
Do you see a sign
anywhere that says,
"come on, bro, hop on board,
I'll take you anywhere
you wanna go"?
[Laughing]
Well, I don't think so!
Yiii!
"Exact change only," right?
"Exact change only."
See, you gen-x, mocha-sipping,
chain-smoking slackers
need to learn to listen!
Whoa!
Ohh!
[High-pitched]
My balls.
Need to learn there's no such
thing in life as free rides!
You know, I don't know
why I do this.
He can't just expect me to take
care of things all the time.
And all for a girlie-girl
ugh! God.
Leah!
Hey! Hey!
Leah to the rescue
to hump with Brooke.
Ugh.
Hey, Leah!
It's Brad!
So who's gonna be at Kenny Ashton's?
Trish: Kegs.
Lots of them.
Well, I'm supposed to be studying, but...
Brooke: I think he's playing hard to get.
Brad:
I wanna get off now!
Brad: Aah!
[Laughing]
Whoa!
[Engine revs]
Oh.
Next time, maybe you'll remember!
No free rides!
[Breathing heavily]
[Whimpers]
[Sirens]
Oh, no.
Aw, shit.
This is not good.
[Glass shatters]
This not good.
[Glass shatters and woman screaming]
Oh, this is so not good.
This just isn't right.
Just not...
[Gunshot]
Man: Bitch!
Oh, this is really not good.
No.
[Latin dance music playing]
[Noisy conversations]
Hi.
[Needle scratches record, music stops]
Hola.
Wow. What a great place
you guys, uh, have here.
Uh, I was actually wondering
if there's a pay phone
around somewhere.
Pop in a peso,
reach out and touch someone.
Whoops. You dropped
something there.
Uh, pay phone somewhere nearby
I could use.
[Locks on front door clack]
Wait a second!
Wait a second!
Actually, I know how to say
this sentence in Spanish.
What... you like that?
What are the chances... hi.
What are the chances?
Um, it was, uh, adonde dinero?
[Sniffing]
No, no, no.
[Laughing]
[Sniffs]
I got it! I got it!
[Speaking Spanish]
[High-pitched]
What's the matter?
Did I mispronounce it?
Hola, chulo.
[Giggling]
Como esta, mmm?
Me gusta ese hombre.
Esta rico...
Suave.
[Gulp]
My sister says
that you look like
that guy in baywatch.
Como se llama? Es...
Davd Hasselhoff.
That's her favorite show, man.
Yeah? Me, too.
Baila conmigo, chulo!
My little sister says that she wants
to dance with you the salsa contest.
[Blows kiss]
Hey, that is flattering.
It is, but now's
not a great time.
See, there's a girl that I
really gotta get back to.
This is her, and...
Get out of here!
Whoo!
Ooh! Mmm. Mmm.
Salsa!
Woman:
Moment by moment
The fever is starting
to rise
Whoo!
I feel the heat
In my veins
from the fire in your eyes
David Hasselhoff.
No one makes me feel
The way you do
No one gets me hot
Just like you do
You and you alone
Can set my soul
On fire
Puta, es m'ijo!
Sangrona!
Pendeja
aah!
You and you alone
That's my
Desire
You and you alone
That's my
Desire
[Music ends]
[Cheering]
Good boy, eh?
Ey!
Los ganadores son seorita Roja
y Davd Hasselhoff.
[Speaking Spanish]
Eh?
$100.
You won, seor Hasselhoff.
Besame.
[Panting]
What the hell was that?
Ok.
Ok.
Ok, quick inventory.
You just won a dance contest,
you're completely lost,
and you're about to become
a chili mama love slave.
[Pounding on door]
Man: Hey, David Hasselhoff!
Open up, ese!
My sister loves you, man!
She wants to macarena with you!
Woman: Por favor, seor Hasselhoff!
La proxima es la macarena!
Man: Hey!
Woman: Yo te amo!
Man: Hello!
Woman: Mi amor!
Mi amor!
Ok, it's official.
I...
Am in hell.
Huh?
Hey, that's a jag!
Stop! Stop!
Whoa! Oof.
[Hydraulics]
I think you guys have my dad's car.
[Snaps]
No, it ain't, pinche gringo.
This is my ride, fool.
Puto.
Well, um, I don't know who pluto is,
but, uh...
Ok. Ok, maybe, um...
May... maybe this will
clear everything up.
Uh...
See, before I got my license
my mom totally freaked out on me,
'cause, you know, her only child
was out driving
on the "Mean Streets,"
so before I could drive an inch...
And this is gonna sound
totally cheesy, but...
She bought me one of those
little troll key chains
with the... the spiky,
orange hair.
And I don't know what trolls
have to do with good luck,
but, uh, you know,
it's... it's right here in the glove box
if you just let me, um...
[Squeaks]
See?
Hey, your mom got you
one of those, too?
Yeah.
Right, you and me, caro,
we got a lot in common,
you know what I'm saying?
So let's kick it, homey.
Come on.
[Troll squeaks]
Come chill with the vatos.
So where do you guys
go to school?
Toro reformatory.
Bet they have a pretty
good football team.
Ours kinda sucks
at Dewey weber.
Rah rah.
Dewey?
Ah, man, I know that place.
We tagged it up
a couple months ago.
Wait. Behind the gym?
That was you guys?
That was some really
excellent work.
Bold lettering.
The... the choice
of fluorescent colors.
It was so...
Jejune.
Yeah, well, it runs
in the family, homes.
It's my, uh,
it's my passion.
It's a shame the
janitor washed it off.
[Tires screeching]
They what?
You... your...
Your graffit...
Your artwork.
It's... it's gone.
Chicks, man.
I don't get it.
Soon as you think you're
giving it to them enough,
they tell you you're giving
it to them too much.
Why can't they just be happy
you're giving it to them at all?
I don't know, Kyle. You're pretty
in touch with your feelings, man.
That's 'cause I'm
sensitive, ass-wipe.
Well, you must be.
I mean, you're letting
Brooke fin-slap that Urkel.
Huh.
Hey, isn't that the...
Naw. No way.
Hmm.
[Spray-paint cans rattling]
[Paint spraying]
Hey, Brad!
What you think, homes?
Pretty dope, eh?
Bet you never peeped a
honey this fine, homes.
You know, actually,
there is this one girl
that... that I kinda,
you know...
Hey, hey.
I saved the final touch...
For you.
Right here.
Go ahead, homes,
pop her cherries on.
Oh...
I don't... you know,
I don't think I could...
Come on, you sissy la-la.
Eh, don't worry, ese.
It's on the down-low.
Leader: Don't be
shy there, homes.
Not mosquito bites.
Silver dollars, homes.
Silver dollars!
All right, ese.
You've got some real talent, you know?
Thank you.
You guys aren't so bad yourselves.
Think you should've made
these bigger, though.
Oh, wait. Dripping here.
I hate that.
Drippy nipples.
[Car door shuts]
[Engine starts]
Wait a sec. Guys!
Guys, that's my dad's car!
Hey!
Guys, give me a ride!
Hey!
We're chillin' on the down-low!
Aw.
What did I do to deserve this?
I mean, all I wanted was one
lousy condom! Just one!
Is that really that much to ask?
Just one lousy condom
and 5 minutes!
Just 5 minutes with Brooke!
["Brooke" echoing]
I take it all back.
[Grunts]
Aah!
Aw, you're kidding.
[Shattering noise echoes]
Mmm.
I, uh, ha.
I knew it.
I knew they'd be back.
Goddamned taggers.
Oh, this is so great.
This is so great
It's about time
[Giggling]
P.A.: Freeze, you punk-ass mouse!
I'll break all your bones
and play marbles
with your testicles, boy!
Make a mess out of my school,
I make a mess out of you, fool!
Scumbag!
I knew you filthy maggots
would be back.
Only this time,
I'm flushing you out.
Oh! Oh, ho!
[Large rumbling]
Brad: Aah!
Aah ha ha!
Whoa!
What the hell was that?
Janitor: Stinky asshole!
Come here, you fool!
Ahh.
Maggot!
Oh.
[Grunts]
[Whimpers]
Maggots think you can destroy
taxpayer's property?
Well, think again, pal!
I just wanna get laid.
Hyah!
Shouldn't have messed
with Mr. Clean, maggot!
Hyah!
Aah!
Aah!
[Clang]
[Body falls to ground]
Nowhere.
I just could not get anywhere.
[Muttering]
Ah-choo!
Ah-choo!
Oh.
Oh, god.
Mi amor! Mi amor!
All esta mi amor!
Mi amor
es bonito!
Oh, no.
This is so stupid.
This is so stupid.
I... I should just
tell him how I feel,
just say it.
You know, just say...
Brad...
You rock, man.
[Sighs]
Oh, god. This is stupid,
stupid, stupid...
[Horn honking]
[Watch beeps]
Yeah. Enough.
This is bullshit.
[Starts engine]
No, m'ijo!
Stop, pendejo!
Hey!
I'm not David Hasselhoff!
[Yelling in Spanish]
Aah!
[Engines stops]
Hey.
Hey, Leah...
Aah!
Uh...
Ow.
Ohh.
Brad?
Oh, my god.
What happened to you?
Where have you been?
Oh, I've been
just about everywhere.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Oh, my god. Oh.
Woman: Mi amor!
Mi amor!
Ok, let's go.
[Sniffs]
Have you been eating Mexican?
Now!
Woman: Mi amor!
Man: Mr. Hasselhoff!
Hey!
Brad, where's your dad's car?
You know, Leah, at some
point in the future
we can have this discussion,
but now is really not the time,
so if you could please just
get me back to Brooke's.
Fine. Whatever.
Oh.
Uh, so...
So I guess you guys will
probably be studying,
you know, too late to be going
to Kenny Ashton's party.
Yeah, gonna be studying real late.
Well, I... I was thinking about going.
Really?
That's great!
You know, you should get out.
Uh, don't be a sissy la-la,
you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, well...
Kinda thought, um,
maybe we could go together.
Oh.
Leah, I can't go anywhere.
I mean, I'm this close
to finding true love.
You guys got it on?
I can't believe it.
Why? Why can't
you believe it?
You can't believe that, what,
maybe she found me attractive?
No.
What can't you believe?
Just how could you?
How cou...
You just don't get it, do you?
You know what?
I don't get it.
I don't get how my usually
intelligent best friend
could actually think
he's in love
with a caricature of every
shallow male fantasy...
Whatever.
Just... just drive me
there.
Hey, uh, thanks, Leah.
Listen, about what I said
back there,
I really... I...
I really want...
Leah!
Leah!
Aha.
Brooke.
All right.
Caressing my supple breasts?
Finally.
[Shoes sloshing]
[Doorbell chimes]
Ah.
Hey, Brooke.
[Pebble taps window]
Brooke!
[Pebble taps window]
Sprinklers, man.
All right.
Brooke.
Brookie.
I'm back.
Honey...
Daddy's home.
[Chuckles]
Ah-choo!
Oh.
Ohh.
Where?
Great.
What?
Aah.
Oh!
Wait. Wait.
Oh.
No.
No.
No!
Oh, no!
No, no!
Come on!
No!
Oh, no.
[Glass shattering]
Did you see your assailants?
All I know is those
kids are maggots!
That's just what I thought.
Gangs.
Radio:
7-Mary-3. 7-Mary-3.
We have a 211 in progress
at 741 big wood drive.
10-4, dispatch.
I'm rolling.
All right, just hold still.
It'll just take a second.
Oh! Ooh! Oh!
Aah! Aah! Oh!
[Background music]
how do you know
The way to my
Heart?
How do you know?
Oh.
Kenny Ashton's.
Ok, it's...
All right, vatos.
The party's over.
Place is surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
[Sirens]
I'm gonna have your ass,
you scum.
Oh.
Oh, jeez.
How you gonna explain this?
Oh, wait. I know.
You can't.
Officer: Come out!
Oh, why couldn't I have just fallen
in love with Becky chub, huh?
I mean, facial hair's not such
a terrible thing on a girl.
[Growling]
[Barking]
Shh. Shh. Shh.
Officer:
Over here in back! Get him!
I'll cover
the front door! Go!
Good doggy!
Sit! Sit!
Stay! Heel!
Some best friend!
Keep away!
Nice...
Doggy!
[Chain rattling in the distance]
Ok.
All right.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Oh, god.
Oh, shit.
[Classical music playing]
[Disco music begins playing]
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burnin' love now
Burnin'
To my surprise
Listen
100 stories high
Is it just me,
or is everybody acting
really weird tonight?
I mean, what was that, disco?
On the roof here
Whatever.
Doesn't really matter.
Huh?
[Barking]
Uh-oh.
Oh, give me a break.
Whoo!
Oh. Ohh.
It feels good to get
down, doesn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Sure beats the hell
out of that barn-dancing.
Mmm.
Ben.
Outside.
What's going on?
Brad: Hey!
Just go way, dog!
It's Friday night, and they're
destroying private property.
Probably one of those crack-tagging
gangers or something.
I better call the police.
Damn kids.
Aah!
[Dog barking]
Look, Scooby snack!
Go get a Scooby snack!
Stay! Stay!
Heel! Heel!
Go! Shoo!
Shoo!
Get out of here!
[Yelps]
[Barking]
Radio dispatch:
7-Mary-3. 7-Mary-3.
We have a breaking and entering
at the Greenhouse Country Club.
Uh-oh.
Uhh...
[Sirens]
Aah aah aah!
Aah! Oh!
[Sniffing]
Hey!
You still owe me
$2.00.
Leah: Oh!
That sucks.
No.
Maybe it's some sort of...
Hormonal imbalance.
Maybe she's possessed.
Know what I think it is?
I think we are witnessing
the dreaded PMS beast.
Whoa.
Yeah.
So?
Well, how's it look?
Dude, you have breasts.
Ohh! Your stupid male
observations do not apply to me!
Ok. Leah,
let him live.
Don't touch me!
I'm sorry. It's just that we're
not used to seeing you with,
uh, mmm, er... that way.
What way?!
Well, in girlie clothes.
You say the word "girlie"
one more time,
I will not hesitate
to kick your ass!
You sissy la-las are coming to
Kenny Ashton's party with me.
Uh-uh. No way.
Josh here is still in training.
He's not yet had
the full benefit
of my expert tutelage
and guidance.
He...
Don't say it.
You think I could just
have my old clothes back?
Brooke's not really into vinyl.
Uh, who's Brooke?
Only the greatest girl ever to
walk the face of the Earth.
Oh, one of those?
No, not one of those.
Brooke's...
She's different, you know?
She's...
She's the girl of my dreams.
Oh, dreams.
Dreams and love.
Dreams and love.
Funny thing about dreams.
When you're dreaming,
your eyes are closed.
So close your eyes.
Dream.
Ow!
You dick!
That's... that's what
I'm trying to tell...
You gotta look at this world
with eyes wide open.
Wide open.
Now, the advice was free,
but the clothes...
The clothes are gonna cost you.
Now, that's 65,
85 for the shirt and the jacket.
It's 8 1/2% street tax.
Now, that's 99.18.
$99 for this?
I'll take it back.
No, no, no. You don't
have to take it back.
Hang on.
Hang on one second.
Huh?
I was dancing
in a salsa con... I...
It's not important.
Now...
You got a transaction.
You!
I thought I told you
no free rides!
Wait, wait, wait.
I got the money.
Hey!
Hey!
Let me in, psychopath!
[Cackling]
Let me in!
No! No free rides!
I told you! No!
Walk places!
Open the door!
No!
Huh?
Stop the bus!
You scumbag.
You almost got me killed
for 65 lousy cents!
Hey, looky here, pal!
I got your 65 cents.
I don't want your stinking
free ride, buddy!
Believe me, Mr. Man,
I had to work my slacker butt
a damn-sight harder
to earn this money
than just sit behind
a steering wheel
on my lazy,
psychotic
ass!
[Coins fall in slot]
Oh.
That's all I wanted.
Please take a seat.
[Loud rock and roll music
playing on stereo]
[Sprays]
Hey, thank you...
For conserving fuel
and riding
public transportation.
Enjoy your evening.
Ok.
Nothing's changed.
Brooke still wants you.
I mean, uh,
all I really need is...
[Bus horn honks]
Ohh.
[Shoes squeaking]
Hey.
$4.75.
Uh, gosh, you know what?
I'm, uh, a little short.
No!
I mean, I don't have any money.
Ok, um...
If... if you could just try to
put yourself in my situation.
Just... just for
a second, please.
Haven't you ever been in love?
I mean...
I mean, so in love
that... that just the thought
of being with that someone
was enough to get you
through the day.
Mmm.
Then what if those...
Those...
Those stupid...
Stupid...
Things...
Could make all of your hopes
and dreams come true?
Come on.
Haven't you ever dreamed?
$4.75.
[Sighs]
[Head hits counter]
Say...
Do you remember Crayola crayons?
[Entry bell rings]
All right, nobody move!
Brad, is that you?
Yo, homeys!
Hey, check it out.
What's up, Brad?
Brad, man. Hey.
Scoring some jimmies,
or what, homes?
Trying.
I'm really trying.
But frankly, she's not helping.
Hey, give me the jimmies with the money.
They're $4.75.
I got .357.
It's on us, homey.
[Sirens]
Bullhorn:
All right, vatos...
Aw, man!
The pigs, homes!
There's a shocker.
You're surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
Make it easy on yourselves.
I have your ass, you scum.
[Officers shouting]
You know, Brad,
don't take this the wrong way,
'cause you and me,
we're solid, homes,
but I gotta take you hostage.
[Shotguns pumping]
Brad.
Yeah?
I never really did
this before, you know?
You think you could help out?
Uh...
Yeah. I mean, um...
I'll see what I can do.
Uh...
[Sobbing]
Please don't shoot!
Please!
They're lunatics,
every last one of them!
Your firearms are
useless against them!
Please!
I just wanna live!
[Sobbing]
Hold your fire!
Aw.
Damn.
Hey, that's pretty good, homes.
Thanks. I was drama
club, sophomore year.
Tell my mom I love her.
[Dance music playing]
TV: We interrupt
this program
with a special news bulletin.
Ben, come in here.
...suspected gang members
who have been responsible for the
recent rash of local robberies.
Roadblocks are being set up...
Ben: God, that's terrible.
God, we are so lucky to be
so far away from all this.
Goddamn kids.
Here you go, Brad.
Your jimmies, homes.
Oh, yeah, thanks, man.
Yo, Brad, you know,
I was wondering,
you think maybe
if me and the boys
could hang with you at your
party, you know, uh...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The party. Good idea, good idea.
Let's go there.
Just please get me
back to Brooke, ok?
Mi casa es su casa.
Just get there.
Right on, Brad.
[Hard rock music playing]
Look, I know you're waiting for Brad,
so I'm only going to say this once.
Brad is not just a good guy.
He's a great guy.
He's smart, and he's funny.
He's my best friend
in the whole world.
And for some stupid reason
he's head-over-feet for you.
I don't get it, but...
He's my friend, and you're
the one that he wants,
so treat him right, ok?
Mm-hmm.
[Laughter]
Because if you don't, I'll
ox-ecute you, your friends,
and your fashion accessories,
you tacky bourgeois bitch!
Charming.
Hey, I'm vacating this
ritualized, adolescent display
of hedonistic amorality.
Huh?
What?
I'm leaving. You guys
staying or going?
Both: Stayin'.
Yeah.
Ok, ok.
Here's how it is.
You go for girl, 12 o'clock.
You're gonna get her.
Yes.
Trust me.
Yeah.
So...
When does your
centerfold come out?
Creep.
Brooke, come here.
Oh, joy.
The future wife-beater.
No, listen.
Are you banging
the study hall turd?
Kyle, what are you
talking about?
You and the little...
[Sirens]
That's Brooke! Brooke!
Brooke!
Brooke! It's Brad!
Hey! Aah!
She's talking to Kyle.
7-Mary-3,
suspects are currently headed
northbound on Green Hill Drive,
approximately 300 yards
from your position.
We do have a beam.
Holding for a green light.
Take 'em.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Yo, Brad.
You got insurance?
[Sighs]
Brad:
There is this girl.
This...
This is a girl who's
everything and everyone.
This is a girl who...
Can just rock your world.
Man, this girl...
I look like David Hasselhoff.
And I'm doing this crazy
lambada song.
Janitor man!
One night...
Hit me dead center in the chest.
One night...
Knocks me...
Scary, scary.
This guy has got the I.Q.
Of a cheeseburger.
That's before you guys decide
to use it for target practice.
That's all I wanted.
I wanted one night,
with my one true love.
I didn't know I'd almost
have to die for it!
Love sucks!
It's a 4-letter word.
It's some bullshit,
capitalist conspiracy
made up by greedy florists.
You know what "love"
backwards is?
It's e-v-o-l.
Evil! Pure evil!
Granted, it's spelled differently,
but it's the same thing.
Well, you're either
telling the truth,
or you ought to be locked up
for telling the biggest
goddamn lie ever.
Number one... clean up,
change,
'cause vice will just drag
your ass back in here.
Number 2...
Your belongings.
What's left of your daddy's car.
[Squeak]
Is that it?
No, it isn't.
Let me tell you something, son.
Love is hard to find.
True love is even harder,
damn near impossible.
It took me 22 years,
1,492 blind dates from hell.
So you ask yourself,
haven't you come too far
just to give up?
Yes.
I'm still not one damn step
closer to getting what I need.
You get one phone call, son,
then you get out of here.
Hey, kid.
Make her day.
I believe in
I believe in love
I believe in
You look great.
Is that a new outfit
or something?
You all dressed up
for the party?
I don't need to impress
high school boys.
Then again, maybe I should.
Maybe you'd take heed.
Take heed?
Of what?
You know, I swear to god, Leah,
sometimes I think you and I
know each other
better than any other 2 people
on the face of the Earth.
This is us, you know?
And other times,
I just don't understand
what the hell you're saying.
There's nothing to understand.
Has anybody seen my jacket?
Kyle: Look,
I don't get it.
Are you listening to me?
You kick...
You kick me out
for dweeb boy? Why?
Do you hear someone talking?
I could swear
I hear someone talking.
You are banging him, aren't you?
I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh, Kyle.
I wouldn't worry.
All you're going to need
to get by in this life
are your muscles
and your teeny-weeny,
little...
Brain.
[Giggles]
I'm going to kill
that little rat turd.
I'm going to kill him big-time!
He can't get a cab
'Cause he ain't got
the money
Oh. Ooh, baby.
Yeah.
Ha ha. All right?
All right.
Let's go get her.
I don't...
I don't want to.
Oh. Trust me.
I know.
Let's go.
Come on.
Uh-oh,
we're in trouble
All right.
So, uh...
That's a lovely dress
you have on.
Yeah, it matches perfectly
with my bedspread.
Ow.
Ow.
She must be color blind.
Are you sure you don't want
to just come in for a sec?
No, thanks.
Not my scene.
Hey, Leah, thanks.
No, really, for everything.
Yeah.
Ok.
Hey, b?
Yeah?
Um...
When you kissed her...
I just want to know...
What was it like?
Was it everything
you dreamed of?
Close enough.
Brad?
Yeah.
Look, I don't really know
the best way to say this,
so I'm just going to say it.
I...
Hope you get
everything you want.
I hope she makes you
really happy.
Thanks, Leah.
Uh-oh
We're in trouble
[Sighs]
Excuse me.
Excuse me, do you own
the penis mobile?
I kind of need
to get out of here.
It's not mine.
[Sighs]
Do you have a penis mobile?
Brooke?
Brooke!
Yeah!
Ok.
[Woman speaking Spanish]
Brad: You've got to be kidding me.
Mi amor!
Mi amor!
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Brad. Hey.
Oh. Oh, Seth, Josh.
What do you guys
know about Latin women?
Ah. I know Latin women.
Good.
You...
Know nothing!
Mi amor!
Seth: I don't know
Latin women?
Yeah!
Donde esta casa le pepe?
That was me.
That was my line.
Josh: donde esta...
Bite me.
No. donde esta
casa le pepe?
It's the best line ever.
I can't do this.
Trust me.
You know.
Hola.
Mamacita.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
[Speaking Spanish]
Amigos!
Hey, my sister thinks
you guys look like
Chandler and Ross from Friends.
It's her favorite show.
S, s.
No way.
S, way.
Me, too.
Hey. Hey, and you, you know,
she's right. You do look like Chandler.
I mean, chinos and all that stuff.
There you are.
Where have you been?
I was, uh...
Delivering burning orphans.
Oh.
Come on.
We have some unfinished business.
Leah: Hey, you.
Peenie mobile?
Excuse me.
Peenie mobile?
Peenie...
Ain't got
The measure
of mercy
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
Take me, Brett.
Wait. What?
Take me.
No, that part was good,
but you called me Brett.
My name's Brad.
Not important.
Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
No.
No, no, wait. No.
Do you want to tell
everybody we're...
You know,
together?
But I'm...
I'm going out with Kyle.
Kyle?
Well...
What about...
You and I...
What is this?
Oh.
This.
You see,
this...
Is your lucky night.
What?
You don't know me.
So?
It's just sex.
It's not just sex.
I mean, what about
the steamy glances,
the taunting kisses?
Hello.
I was talking about a fly.
You know...
When I finally do this,
I want it to be
absolutely perfect.
I... I want it to be
with someone who knows me.
Somebody who's, like, your best friend
in the world, you know? Somebody like...
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
Breathe in
Nobody could
Smile and catch
[Toilet flushes]
Boy: Do it.
Just do it.
Boy: I got to go
to the bathroom!
[Knocking on door]
Open up!
So...
Wanna rattle?
I got to pee!
[Knock on door]
Somebody want a good vibration?
Better sit down and hear my sound
Ship out, not here, get out
That's the burden of
the devil's right hand
Go!
Seth! Josh!
Seth: Yeah?
Where's Leah?
She just b-bailed.
Oops. Hey.
Not now, Kyle.
No. See,
first, you're up in the bedroom.
Oh, yeah.
And then, you're scoring
jimmies at the A&P.
Now...
Brooke: You guys are such jerks.
Pssh.
Crowd: Oh!
I'm going to kick your
ass all over this party.
Hey.
Good doggy.
Fetch!
[Barks]
[Kyle groaning]
Good doggy.
[Laughter]
Leah!
Leah! Wait!
Finished with Brooke already?
Oh, come on, Leah, please...
No, sorry, stud, but if
you're looking for help
in the self-control department,
I can't help you there.
Leah, Leah, nothing happened.
I couldn't.
I mean, you know, I could have.
She was right there on the counter.
Leah, Leah, please.
I know you're upset.
No, I am not upset, Brad.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of listening to
your childish fantasies.
So please save your fate and
Crayola crap for someone else,
because all you're looking
for is heartache and pain.
Trust me, I know.
Leah, Leah.
Stop, stop, stop. Stop.
Please, please.
Just listen to me.
I have been looking for
something all night long...
And it has caused me nothing
but heartache and pain.
But that's only because I was
looking for the wrong thing.
You see...
I realized...
That this whole time...
I should've been looking
right in front of me.
What?
I should've been looking for you.
What?
Listen.
Even I don't know the
best way to say this,
so I'm just going to say it,
ok?
Ok.
Everything you dreamed of?
Close enough.
To the crowd
To the world
You were so dry
And with the token bird I made
Sent here to fly
Right to your side
With a broken wing
You sailed
Oh, like winter
It's your life
A barren river wide
I'll pray for the flood
To wash on you
It's here
I'll be with you
[Humming]
Well, if the birds
Can reach the sky
To this land
I'll be with you
Till the sun bursts
From your sigh
With my hands
I'll reach to you
When you think
Your chance is passing by
When you blow
Your moon away
I'll bleed like a reed
Fall with your night
It's here
I'll be with you
[Humming]
To the crowd
To the world
You were so dry
And with the token bird I made
Sent here to fly
Right to your side
With a broken wing
You sailed
Oh, like winter
It's your life
A barren river wide
I'll pray for the flood
To wash on you
It's here
I'll stay with you
[Humming]
It's here
I'll be with you
Oh
Oh, oh, oh
I'll fall
I'll fall
I'll fall
I'll fall
Ah
I'll fall
I'll fall
Ah
I'll fall
I'll fall
[Humming]
I've got a flair
For pulling your hair
And making you crazy
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I do well
I've got a flair
For making you care
You know you should hate me
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I do well
And you know I never meant
To hurt no one
But I've got a knack
For getting things undone
And I've got a way of ruining your fun
All the time
I've got a flair
For holding a stare
And holding you downtown
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I can tell
And you know I never meant
To hurt no one
But I've got a knack
For getting things undone
And I've got a way of ruining your fun
All the time
I've got a flair
For gettin' in your hair
And making you crazy
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
It's something I do well
It's something I do well