Tusk (2014) Movie Script
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
fucking piss my pants.
Hey, if you wanna watch this video,
please go to our
website NotSeeParty. com.
N-O-T...
S-E-E...
And not "Nazi" with a "Z".
That'd be like cross-dressing
Adolf Eichmann-Liza
Minnelli impersonator.
If I... If I die of
laughter during this segment,
I don't want you to feel bad.
I want you all to
know that I died happy,
because this video is the greatest
thing that's ever happened to me.
It's up to like 30 something million.
Here we... Here we go.
Shit!
I'm gonna talk to this
kid about everything.
I wanna know... I wanna
know what he masturbates to,
I wanna know if he kept the
leg. Did he keep the leg?
I gotta say though, man. I've
watched this video enough.
I'm starting to feel bad for the kid.
I'm not laughed out yet
but I'm feeling bad for him.
Feeling bad? The kid's got
tons of hits 'cause he's famous.
Right? I mean what more do you
want? He's got more hits than I do.
I'm kinda in a weird way, jealous.
I don't need both legs. What
am I? I'm not running marathons.
So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes.
Next week, Wanderin' Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip
up to the Great White
North to meet with a star.
My only hope is that
he doesn't cry too much.
Join us next week
while Wallace sits down
with the one-legged wonder,
the master of self-mutilation
of Internet humiliation,
the Kill Bill Kid.
Which is about all you can do
if you're the Kill Bill Kid.
You just sit your one-legged ass down,
- forever.
- Aw.
Oh, it's too easy. It was right there!
- You're going to hell, man. - They're
like plums, like low-hanging plums.
I had to grab it.
Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
And this is Wallace
Bryton reminding you to...
Join ze Not-See Party!
Welcome to Canada.
Oh!
Hey, there.
Hey there, yourself, fellow
facial hair aficionado.
Yeah, not as good as you. My God!
- Yeah, years back. Now it's...
- Los Angeles.
A man torn betwixt Devils and Kings.
Oh! Hockey.
You're damn right, hockey.
Hmm. I don't really follow hockey.
Okay.
Hands off the counter, please.
Really?
Yeah, really. Thank you.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
When you're visiting the
Great White North of Canada,
you got your Cana-Do's and
you got your Cana-Don'ts.
Top shelf, right there. Number one.
Don't go tell any Canadian
you don't follow hockey.
Of course!
I should've known that.
It makes 'em sad, right?
A Canadian doesn't get sad.
Sadness was made by the USA.
Oh, come on. What does that mean?
Take off, it's true.
Right there on our flag.
It's right there when you look at it.
When you see past
that sacred Maple Leaf,
you know what you see?
A white wall.
You see that in America,
you may be red, white and blue.
But in Canada, you're red,
white but never blue, eh?
Ever.
Got you. That's actually...
You know, I've never thought
of it that way before.
I always think of
Canadians as just nice.
Well, that right there
is another Cana-Don't.
We're not nice, we're
optimistic. There is a difference.
- Right.
- And we're tolerant.
- Hmm.
- And we're hung like moose.
Oh!
That's great.
Back to business, then.
What're you doing in Manitoba?
Um, I'm recording a podcast.
So what I do is, I, uh...
I travel around and I interview
weird or interesting people
and I describe it to my best friend
who does not see it first-hand
since he won't fly anywhere.
It's called The Not-See Party.
Whoa, whoa! Nazi Party?
Oh, no. It's
spelled N-O-T-S-E-E,
not the other... Hatey one.
You know, that Hitler.
You don't say Hitler in an airport.
All right.
What the fuck is this?
Hey!
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Hey, fucker. Are you ready for this?
Fucking Kill Bill Kid
fucking killed himself, sir!
With his own fucking sword!
Can you believe that shit?
I'm not fucking kidding you.
He couldn't hold out for two more days,
the selfish little
peg-legged piece of shit.
I'm so pissed off right now. I
gotta find a flight back tonight.
But I'm thinking I don't wanna
come all the way back with nothing.
We need a show this week, so...
I'm in fucking Winnipeg
in a bar called, uh...
Bar "H."
I don't know what the fuck
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna...
Try to find some other Canadian
weirdo up here I can talk to, but...
I gotta be honest, man.
There is nothing weird about Canada.
It is painfully boring up here.
But shit! $550 for a
fucking plane ticket.
Selfish little prick.
I know it's fucked up to say, but...
God damn it! It was killing me.
All right.
Signing off from the Great White North.
Coo loo coo coo, coo coo coo
Coo loo coo coo
Oh, shit. Beep.
Hey, man, where is your bathroom?
Hello, I am an old man
who has enjoyed a long
and storied life at sea.
I am a proud Canadian who
has traveled a peculiar path
lo these many years.
And after eons of oceanic adventure,
I find myself a landlubber,
with Manitoba as my final port.
I know I do not wish to
spend my remaining years alone
in a giant house.
Not when I have such stories to share.
No, it's not the room I'm interested in
as much as you, Mr. Howe.
Yeah, tonight would be...
That'd be amazing, sir. Yes, thank you.
All right, where am I going?
Bifrost? Sounds erotic.
Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.
Excuse me, hey!
Uh, how far is Bifrost from here?
Bifrost? Shit! That's far.
Yeah, it's about two hours from here.
Yeah, the kids here at
the convenience store
are telling me that it's
"aboot" two hours away.
I hate American guys.
Yeah, what's your address?
So to this end, I'm
offering a room for rent
in my stately woodland home.
This arrangement will be free of charge,
providing you perform the
simple household chores
I can no longer tend to
from the confines of
this cursed wheelchair.
But though I may be old, I have lived.
And I will tell you all
about my many adventures,
in vivid detail.
Please feel free to call
me at the number below.
Respectfully, Howard Howe.
All right. This better
be fucking worth it.
You have arrived at your destination.
Hello? Hello?
Hello! Up here, please.
Hello?
Good evening!
Mr. Howe?
Well actually, it's Howard.
Mr. Howard, hey!
You know, when people first
become entangled with my name,
it's much like a French bedroom farce.
Now, Mr. Howe would be appropriate,
but I prefer the intimacy of Howard.
Howard.
Now that we have that
unpleasantness out of the way,
may I welcome you to
Pippy Hill, my home.
Oh, yes. It's great.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Pleasure. Pleasure.
Could I interest you in some tea?
You can. But first, uh...
Can I use your bathroom?
Smashing.
Phew!
Hoo-ah!
Oh, Jesus!
Whoo!
Well, did everything come out all right?
Oh, yeah. Great.
Thank you.
You're welcome, there's your tea.
All right. Thank you.
You know, my second wife...
I presume my last...
Used to say, bless her heart.
"Rather saint than sin,
Better out than in. "
She was referring to gas,
of course! Her own, mind you.
That's great.
This... Thank you.
You bet.
God damn, this is good.
So did you find the
water closet satisfactory?
Oh, yes. Thank you so much.
That was great!
I was holding it in for half the ride.
It's a little embarrassing but, um...
I was kinda spooked to get out of
the car in the middle of nowhere.
...You know.
I must say
your phone call intrigued me.
Well, I'm telling you,
your handbill intrigued me.
Did I understand you
correctly on the phone
when you said you weren't
looking for a living arrangement?
Mmm-mmm.
No, I live in Los Angeles.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
City of Angels.
Well, I've never seen any myself.
More the opposite, really.
My grandma, Mimsy, used to tell us,
"You needn't go very far to
find hell in a hand basket. "
I like that. I like Mimsy.
Oh, my grandma... My
grandma used to say...
She'd say, "Hell is your children. "
Chain smoker, "Hell is your
children. " She was the worst.
How droll.
She must've been an interesting woman.
Oh, now, she was flatulent.
Oh, let me tell you, it was cra...
I've never seen anything like
it or smelled anything like it.
She would hang stuff on her
walls, too. Just like you.
My life lines these walls, Mr. Bryton.
And though I cannot boast of legs,
that are functioning...
That keep me ambulatory.
I still thank the Lord for
leaving me with a memory,
a living memory of my many adventures.
Yeah, those adventures are
what I'm here about, Mr. Howe.
You said that on the phone
that you were much more
interested in me personally
than you were the room.
Yes, because I saw this.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
And you have no idea, I'm up
here in this frozen shithole.
I think my trip is a bust.
And I feel like I just stumbled
into a goldmine, with this thing.
And you talk about sharing
stories. That's what I do.
I'm a storyteller by trade.
Oh, I see. You're a... You're a writer?
Well, mmm-mmm.
I'm a podcaster.
What on earth is that?
Oh...
I'm sorry. I'm not
laughing at you. You just...
You just reminded me of my mom.
"Wally, what're you doing?"
Ugh, she's the worst. You're fantastic.
Um, a podcast is kinda like a...
It's like a radio show
that's not on the radio.
It's on... It's on the Internet.
Does that make sense?
Uh-huh.
Yeah. That's also like my mom.
It makes this sound more
confusing, doesn't it?
Uh, it sounds like this.
Listen... Now you listen to me.
I just came in my pants.
That's my McConaughey,
prematurely ejaculating.
I pissed my pants.
So you can actually say those
things without any repercussion?
Yeah, the audience likes
it, real and raunchy.
So I try to keep it real and raunchy.
And real raunchy.
You know the freedoms
your generation enjoys...
- Hmm.
- Oh, I tell you...
Libertines the lot of you.
Can I just tell you something?
This is gonna sound really weird but...
I've never had tea like this.
It's blowing my mind.
I feel like I've never
had tea in my life.
Um, I'm like popping my cherry.
I'm not even a tea person.
I believe we're all tea people.
There's a trick to it.
You see, you soak the leaves
in brandy before steeping.
Of course.
You can't lose with booze.
"Well, always do sober
what you'd do drunk.
"It will teach you to
keep your mouth shut. "
Okay, okay. Now, this one, I know. Uh...
Hemingway said that.
Yes, he did.
He said it to me.
You knew Ernest Hemingway?
Well, we met on the waters of Normandy.
You were there for D-Day?
No, I was there before D-Day.
I was there when it was
called Operation Neptune.
Holy... Hold on.
You were on the beach?
No, no. I was on a boat as was Ernie.
Ernie?
Ernie was deemed "precious
cargo" by the powers that be,
so he was prohibited from
joining the incursion.
They ordered Hemingway to stay
on the boat? Are you kidding?
Yes, they did.
Which vexed Mr. Hemingway,
to say the least.
You know how he loved
to hunt the big game.
Yeah.
Big and the deadly. Well, there was
nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi.
Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife.
Nazi bitches. Of course.
And so, prohibited from
joining the incursion,
Hemingway went to the
galley in search of alcohol.
And the only one to
oblige him, of course,
was a 16-year-old
potato peeler on KP duty.
Oh, my God!
Holy shit, no kidding.
Yes, so I proffered for
Hemingway a bottle of Wiser.
And I'll never forget what he did next.
There was a smile crawled
across the man's face.
It was so slow as if
it were a caterpillar.
Then he turned to me and slapped
me on the back and he said,
"You are a kitchen witch
of only good fortune. "
Kitchen witch?
God.
So we drank Wiser and when the
reports came back of how many...
boys had fallen at Omaha.
That's when he said to me,
"Only do sober what you'd do drunk.
"It will teach you to
keep your mouth shut. "
Oh, God, that's... That's nuts, man!
It's incredible.
Well, actually, if you look
to the right of the fireplace,
you'll see the incredible aspect.
This is the bottle?
Holy shit!
This is the coolest
thing I've ever seen.
Well, it's just an old bottle.
But if you combine it with a story,
then it becomes, if I may say so,
a powerful talisman,
a doorway to another time and place.
Perhaps, a drawbridge to history.
Yeah.
So fucking cool.
What's this?
Ah!
I see, you have an eye for the
unfamiliar and the curiosity of a cat.
That should take you very far.
That is the baculum of a walrus.
The Alaskans call it an oosik.
Oosik.
Oh! So it's like a...
Like a walrus spine?
No. It's more like a walrus cock.
Shut up!
I am a dirty boy, aren't I?
This is a walrus dick?
No, no. That's the baculum.
That's the bones found in the
penis of most placental mammals
excluding man, of course.
Ah, that's not fair.
You know,
it is in aid of sexual intercourse.
It maintains the stiffness of the
animal during coital penetration.
Hey, if you got something
like this between your legs,
you don't need any help
with coital penetration.
Jesus Christ!
You are a rapscallion of the
highest order, Mr. Bryton.
- Can I get my hands on it?
- Yes, of course.
Wow!
No, what? This is crazy.
You'd be right to admire the walrus.
It is probably God's most noble creature
far more evolved than
any man I've ever known.
Present company included.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I appreciate that.
So where did you buy something
like this? A head shop?
Well, I became acquainted with a walrus
when I was lost at sea.
Shut the front door!
You were lost at sea?
Yes.
Who are you, Rudyard fucking Kipling?
In 1959,
I was back on a boat.
Around the Gulf of Anadyr
which is the southern coast of Siberia.
In Chukchi Peninsula.
Perhaps, the best years of my life.
My culinary capabilities
in small, sea-faring vessels
earned me my passport to the world.
As a matter of fact,
it was my magic with a halibut
that landed me the chef's position
on the Anastasia
as we traversed into
Soviet waters exploring.
Wait. So this is like... What
is this, like, Cold War stuff?
No, no, no.
We were in search of
the Siberian Great White.
The Great White Shark?
No way.
Yes. And the Russians
called the hungry god
"The Whale Eater. "
Oh!
It's reported to be 25 feet in length,
with some 3 tons on him.
What?
Holy shit! Did you find him?
No, no. No, no. We only found...
Death off the Chukchi Peninsula.
In the inky heart of night,
the Anastasia collided with an iceberg.
I watched a ship disappear in minutes
into the black Russian sea.
Then I heard the screams
of the crew silenced
in the Siberian brine.
So what happened after the boat sank?
I was alone.
"Alone, alone, all alone,
on a white wide sea!
"And never a saint took
pity on my soul in agony. "
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.
Well remembered, Mr. Bryton.
- Hmm.
- Well remembered.
But you know, when
the screaming stopped,
I thought I was alone until something
very swift and frightening moved by me.
"The many men, so beautiful!
"And they all dead did lie
"And a thousand, thousand
slimy things lived on
"And so did I."
God! How scared were you?
Oh!
I don't mind admitting I was terrified.
I know you've probably been scared
a few times in your life, Mr. Bryton.
But I'd wager to say you've
never known true terror.
I became intimately familiar
with terror that night, as I swam.
I kicked at the water and stroked for
I know not where. It was so pitch black.
So I swam deeper and
deeper into the ebony void
and I prayed that whatever brushed by me
was now feasting upon the
expedition crew instead.
Sweet whistling Christ!
I awoke on the shores
of a very small island,
regurgitating sea water,
and discombobulated beyond belief.
And then as I stood to my feet,
I saw the sweetest sight
my orbs have ever taken in.
I saw my savior.
I saw a walrus.
A walrus?
A walrus saved your life?
- Yes.
- - What?
This curious fellow loomed over me,
with tusks as tall as
Scylla and Charibdys.
But it was...
It was as gentle as a milking cow
and it took me into its
blubbery body to keep me warm,
as if I were a newborn chick, you see.
Unbelievable!
Yes.
And though I couldn't
know what he was called
by his marine brethren,
I named him after the only
authority figure I'd ever known,
I ever trusted in my entire life.
The janitor at a boys'
home I had attended
whose name was Mr. Tuskegee.
So I called my companion, Mr. Tusk.
Mr. Tusk? That's cute.
Cute.
Well,
cute is for Chinese babies, Mr. Bryton.
But my walrus companion was beautiful.
I have never known such
a fulfilling friendship
with anyone, human or otherwise.
And for six glorious months,
I was at utter peace
and I knew the only bliss
this wretched life has ever afforded me.
What did you...
What'd you...
What'd you...
There, there.
It'll be all right.
It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk.
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
Ha!
Why... Why're you stopping?
I don't want you to
go to Canada tomorrow.
Okay, I won't go to
Canada! Just finish...
Oh, you're so full of
shit, your eyes are brown.
I know. I know, I'm full of shit.
I'm bad. So spank me.
Spank me right there...
- Nope. I'm not gonna do it.
- What?
All right.
Seriously? No, no.
- It's gonna get on you, then.
- No! No!
You don't even deserve a selfie.
Why not? Come on. We talked about this.
I'm gonna take a quick
Cana-deuce tomorrow.
I'll be back in the morning.
Hmm?
Making fun of this kid on
the podcast is one thing,
but to go over there to his house...
It's... It's horrible, okay?
This just feels gamey.
Gamey?
Ally, the kid reached out to me! Okay?
He turned down Oprah fucking
Winfrey to talk to me.
Me!
Come on, this is huge for the show.
I don't wanna do it. I
don't wanna make of him.
But, it's for the show.
It's for the podcast.
You know you're a real fucking asshole.
And this, this does
not work for you at all.
Doing your dopey comedy
sketches is bad enough.
...But to exploit him to his face...
It's vicious.
- The Wallace I fell in...
- No, that's vicious.
To do what you did, that's vicious.
That's mean, that's exploitative.
To take a little taste and walk away.
- Are you
serious? - Mmm-hmm.
The Wallace I fell in love
with would not do that.
The Wallace I fell in love with
would never say this stupid-ass shit.
The Wallace you fell in love with
was an un-funny little dick-hole
who used to make bad Star Wars puns
and couldn't pay his bills.
I... I'm sorry but I kinda
prefer the new Wallace.
New Wallace made 100 grand
in ads alone last year.
That's before the T-shirt
sales and all the live shows.
So...
AMC is coming to see the new
Wallace's showcase next week.
Why do you think that is?
'Cause of agents?
'Cause he played the
clubs every fucking night
like ol' unfunny Wallace used to?
No. It's 'cause he's a
juggernaut of a podcast,
hosted by new Wallace.
Old Wallace!
Old Wallace was a fucking loser
who never popped a piss in our window
to throw it out.
Old Wallace had me.
Oh!
- He'd like to have you again.
- So take me with you.
If I bring you, you know this.
Teddy gets weird and jealous
and then the show sucks.
You know, he's got this
thing. Like if you're around,
I'm not as funny as I usually am
'cause you're a distraction.
Blah, blah, blah. I don't know.
I can't figure out what's
going on in that kid's head.
All I know is that if it were up to me,
of course, I would bring you.
Old Wallace wouldn't give
a shit, he'd just take me.
He'd just take me anyway.
Ah, well!
Old Wallace also used to wear
a fucking stethoscope on stage.
Oh, speaking of...
We saw my first stand-up
set on the show today.
Whoo! It was fucking brutal.
It was even worse than I remembered.
It's really embarrassing, actually.
Teddy was dying. Little shit.
News flash. Cringe humor
attack shit is lame.
Sorry, I didn't hear what you're
saying. I just love that accent.
It's lame, this cringe humor...
- Love your accent.
- I don't talk like that!
I don't talk like that!
...Listen, 'stache!
That's the worst Latino accent
I have ever heard in my life.
That's the worst Latino
accent I've ever heard...
Can you... Can you just turn
down the funny right now, stache.
The podcast's not on.
- I know.
- It's just me and you.
I'm trying to be lovey-dovey.
You're fucking it up.
Fuck, it's... Because I have
a raging hard-on!
I wanna be lovey-dovey
too. I love lovey-dovey.
But we can be lovey-dovey on
the phone when I'm in Canada.
You know what we can't
do on the phone? Fuck.
Why don't we that right now? Come on.
See? Come on.
New Wallace is kinda funny.
Yeah, he can be kinda funny.
I just... I miss old Wallace.
I miss you. I miss the
real you. Is he in there?
- Ugh!
- You know, that geeky kid.
- Who even thanked me on stage.
- Geeky?
Yeah, geeky.
I miss the guy who told me, he
loved me the first time we had sex.
The guy who gets baked and
cries watching Winnie the Pooh.
You're so sweet. Such a softy.
Nothing soft about me now.
Yeah, I know and it sucks.
- Relax.
- Okay.
What?
Well...
Look who's back.
I must say you scared
the bejesus out of me.
Oh, what kind of nurse am I?
Here you go, here's your cup.
Wet your whistle, my dry little thistle.
What...
Wha...
- What happened?
- Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my dear boy.
Well, you passed out
right in front of me.
Yeah.
So tired.
I mean, one moment, I'm waxing lyrically
about my many ocean voyages,
and the next thing I know,
you fell out of your
chair and collapsed.
I didn't know what it
was until I looked down,
and I saw this rather
intimidating spider
crawling down your pant leg.
Spider?
Yes, a brown recluse.
A rather toxic little insect.
These woods are full of them.
Yeah, some of them are poisonous.
Hmm.
Oh, shit! A spider bit me?
Yes, well, I'm so sorry.
Where's my phone?
- Phone?
- Mmm-hmm.
I got to make a call.
Well, I'm afraid the doctor
stepped on it and broke it.
I'm afraid it lies in pieces.
Mmm. There was a doctor here?
Yes, Doctor Moseeay.
He lives just up the
road around 8 miles.
- Moseeay?
- Yeah.
- Kind of a funny name.
- Yeah.
He was here within a
half an hour of your...
Incident.
I forget your name.
My name? Howard Howe.
Mmm, Howard, I can't feel my legs.
Well, that would be the spinal
injection you see. They...
The Recluse sank her fangs into you
and filled you with so
much poison that your...
Your ankle was the size
of an elephant's leg.
Oh, shit.
What kind of an elephant?
A very fat one.
Mmm-hmm.
- Shit!
- Yeah.
So, with the venom
traveling to your heart
it forced the doctor, to save your life,
to take, as we say... Drastic measures.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Holy shit!
There's no leg there.
Doesn't appear to be.
Just let it out, dear
boy. Let it all out.
My leg is off.
Oh, my God.
Nature can be very
red in tooth and claw.
What?
Tennyson.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Why am I still here? Why
aren't I in the hospital?
Well, hospitals...
Carry diseases.
So, Dr. Moseeay thought
it would be best if you...
Well, just stay here since
the room is sanitized all day.
It would be best if you recuperate here.
It doesn't make any sense.
Spider. The spider bit you.
All right, I wanna walk to this guy.
Where's the doctor? I wanna talk to him.
Well, uh... The doctor's
making his rounds.
Rounds? What rounds? We're
in the middle of nowhere!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we're not.
No, we're not, Mr. Bryton.
I've been to the middle of
nowhere. And it is a ghastly place.
I don't want to hear
your fucking stories.
What the fuck is this?
...Why are you laughing?
You're funny.
Well, that's a belt to keep you from
falling out of your chair, you see.
Why?
The belt is to keep you from falling
over until the spinal wears off...
Spinal wears off and you get full
control of your faculties again.
That is, most of your faculties.
I... I need a phone.
I gotta call my family.
Doctor Moseeay removed all
the phones from the house.
He didn't want you disturbed.
What the fuck?
So, I'll talk to him
and I can ask him if you
can call home after supper.
I gotta call.
So it would be best if you take a nap.
You're heavily, heavily tranquilized.
I got to tell my family.
I gotta use a phone...
I gotta talk to a doctor.
- Moseeay, Dr. Moseeay.
- I wanna talk to him.
Well, you can't. You
see, he is on his rounds.
You give me a phone.
Don't have a phone.
The doctor removed them all.
That's... Insane.
Possibly so, but it's true.
We sup at 6:00 sharp.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
All right, wait.
I am...
...truly sorry for your loss.
You're not eating?
I can't move my arms.
Well...
That would be the morphine.
It is capital for the leg pain,
and perhaps the only thing
keeps you from howling in agony.
But it does tend to
leave one a bit sleepy.
I'm not sleepy.
At all.
- I'm immobilized.
- Hmm.
Well...
You know...
I was thinking...
The melancholy
of losing a limb
must be akin to
mourning a close friend that you
too often took for granted.
Hmm...
There was no spider, was there?
Yes, there was. A brown recluse.
Colloquially called the hobo spider.
Ah, that's interesting.
And you saw it?
Yeah.
You saw the spider?
I... I just wish that I had
spied the little creature
before it so viciously attacked you.
What'd it look like?
The Arachnid Assailant?
- Yeah.
- Well...
A typical spider...
A legion of legs, you know, etc,
etc. It was very small though.
So small you might
even call it Itsy Bitsy.
The Itsy, Bitsy Spider
went up the water spout
Holy shit...
Down came the rain
and washed the spider out
Let me out of this
chair, you fucking psycho!
Let me out! Let me out,
you old fucking nutbag!
Help! Somebody help!
Now, shall we dispense
with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton?
Perhaps it would be best, in
this, our burgeoning relationship,
to reveal our hearts
with absolute candor.
See, for some time now
I've been constructing
a very realistic walrus suit.
What?
And I believe with just a few minor
modifications it will fit you perfectly.
Jesus. What the fuck, man?
But,
whilst in the walrus
suit you must be a walrus.
There will be no sound of a human voice.
You must communicate
everything you do
as a walrus.
Do you understand?
Please... Please...
No, no, no.
Be not vexed or heavy
of heart, Mr. Bryton.
We two are embarking on an expedition
not unlike that of the doomed Anastasia.
Their mistake was they look
for the monsters out there.
They shouldn't have left the dock.
The beast has always lied within.
Why?
Why are you doing this?
Why?
Why?
To solve a riddle older than the Sphinx.
To answer the question
which has plagued us
since we first crawled from this Earth
and stood erect in the sun.
Is man, indeed,
a walrus at heart?
Help!
I almost told him, before he left.
Sometimes I forget,
that my life is...
An intricate, delicate web of lies.
And I feel so normal...
So banal.
It feels so amazing to be boring.
And faithful.
And sinless.
I even forget what we're doing to him.
Till I remember what he does to me...
With all those empty women.
And it... Crushes me.
And I hate him.
I hate him.
But I hate myself so much more
for letting any man do this to me.
I'm happy my dad's
not alive to see this.
To see his only little girl
put her life on hold for
some cheating fucking asshole.
And I just wanna fucking die.
But every time he destroys me, you...
You bring me back.
You make me feel beautiful again.
Cherished...
You give me my humanity.
Even though we're stripping it down
every time we're doing this, I...
Honestly...
I don't know how to live without you.
So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes!
Next week, Wanderin' Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip
up to the Great White
North to meet with a star.
I will be staying at home. Per usual.
Doing what, Teddy?
Why don't you film it?
Let's have a real laugh after that tape.
I... I will be taking your
significant other to the Getty
because in her words,
"You don't get art. "
I get art too. Why do you
keep saying that? I get art.
I get it when it's got my face on it.
It's all over the wall. Look at
it. Look at all this. This is art.
Do you think this is art?
It's like a me-seum.
It's not wrong... All over
the walls of this, uh...
Studio.
We sort of created a man
cave/masturbation chamber,
uh, to while away the hours in.
I got to say, I've never jerked
off in here, which is surprising,
'cause I jerk off all the time.
I don't believe you.
Okay, you're right to not to believe me.
Teddy, you are my fucking hero.
You're taking my
girlfriend to the Getty.
Ally and Teddy go to the Getty.
- Aw. - It's adorable.
It's like a children's book.
Yeah. Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
And this is Wallace
Bryton reminding you to...
Join ze Not-See Party!
Clear! Nice!
That was amazing!
I don't know where you
were going with that video
but I'm glad you did
it. It was embarrassing,
but shit, that was fucking funny.
All fucking hail the Not-See Party!
Yeah, everyone except Ally.
Ah... Dude, she just
wants to go with you.
I know. I know!
Teddy, why are you always
defending her? It's so weird.
And I know she wants to come. But
you know, her whole thing is like,
"Wally, why do you have
to do such mean comedy?"
That doesn't even sound like her.
I can't have her around if I'm
gonna get real with this kid.
And I got to get real with
him. This is way too important.
I can't be me if she is there.
I also can't get road-head
if she's there either.
You're a fucking numbskull
to cheat on someone that hot.
Teddy, it has nothing to do with
how hot she is. I know she's hot.
But there's some top shelf
ass out there who listen to us.
I'm not kidding.
Plus you haven't seen these other girls.
I mean don't short change them, okay?
These fan girls, they may be pasty
and a little chunky, but they're...
- They're really sexual. - You
bring shame to the Not-See Party.
I know Ally's hot.
It doesn't take away
from how hot she is.
I'm not married to her. I
know I sound shitty right now.
I can see you judging me.
You going to Ally's now?
Fuck, yeah, I'm going over there now.
I wanna try to break one
off before I fly tomorrow.
So I can get all quiet
and peaceful in the plane,
and I don't cause any
disturbances at the airport.
- It... It's like my Xanax.
- Mmm.
I got to get the white out and
I go to bed, like a little baby.
Fuck.
He hasn't called me in three days.
I have this pain in my stomach. I...
I'm worried.
Ally. Ally, you got to help me.
I swear to God I'm not joking, okay?
I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.
This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something!
He's fucking nuts!
You gotta please come!
Please! Please! Please!
I don't know where he is.
But I'm somewhere in
his weird fucking house.
I'm like two hours from Winnipeg.
I'm so fucking scared.
I'm so scared I'm not
gonna see you again.
I'm sorry I was such an asshole.
I'm so sorry.
He cut off my fucking leg, Ally.
Okay? Please. Okay.
Okay, just get here, okay?
Call the cops.
Ally... Ally, I don't
wanna die in Canada.
I don't wanna die at all.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Okay.
Oh, Teddy, pick up.
I... honestly...
I don't know how to live without you.
So go brush your teeth and
come back to bed, because...
I don't want to sit
here crying all night.
Teddy, it's me! I swear to
God this is no fucking joke.
I'm being held captive.
I'm not kidding, I'm being held captive
by some crazy motherfucker.
He cut off my fucking leg!
Listen to me, you gotta call the cops.
I'm, like... I'm, like,
two hours north of Winnipeg.
I'm somewhere... I'm somewhere
in, like, bumfuck Manitoba.
This guy's name is Howard
Howe, okay? It's Howard Howe.
You gotta call the cops.
Call the cops.
I don't know exactly what happened.
I'm scared shitless, man.
I think he wants to
turn me into, like, a...
What the fuck was that?
Your life as you knew
it is over, Mr. Bryton.
So if you wish to continue living,
you will be a walrus, or
you'll be nothing at all.
This'll fucking help.
Ally. Ally, you've got to help me.
I swear to God I'm not joking, okay?
I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.
This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something.
Teddy.
Ted.
Hey.
Wake up. Wallace. It's Wallace.
- What?
- He's in trouble.
He's in trouble.
What?
Oh, my God, he called you too.
Oh, my God.
Check it.
Well, someone's looking for Wallace!
It must be nice to know that
somebody cares about you that much.
Just what I felt on the
island with Mr. Tusk.
He was the only living thing that
ever had my best interests at heart.
As a child, I was not cared
for so much as I was...
Filed away, like a document.
A document fed into a shredding machine
and fueled by the blood of the innocent.
You see, I am a Duplessis Orphan.
Now, Maurice Duplessis was the
Premier of Quebec in those days.
He was the head of
the Conservative Party
and with strong ties
to the Catholic Church.
As a matter of fact,
it was in collusion with
these charlatans of the Lord
that Duplessis brought upon
Quebec La Grande Noirceur...
"The Great Darkness. "
As a boy of 10,
my mother and father
took me to Montreal.
I had never seen anything
so beautiful and bright
and big and wonderful in my life.
But...
When night falls in Montreal,
the monsters come out to play.
We were walking to dinner, and were
accosted by brigands in a back alley.
My father was stabbed several
times with the mugger's knife.
And my mother's throat was
slashed, as if she were cattle.
I was placed in an abandoned
boys' home in Quebec.
Boys whose lives had been destroyed.
Provinces were responsible
financially for all of the orphanages.
The government was responsible
for the mental institutions.
So Duplessis and the Church, they came
up with a scheme to obtain more money
by reclassifying the orphanages
as mental health-care facilities.
And when nobody raised
their voice in protest,
why, they just shut down the orphanages
and sent all the children,
including me, to insane asylums.
And so for the next five years,
I was beaten,
I was tortured,
I was raped.
I have had things in my mouth that
no human being should ever taste.
They never thought of me as a
person. They just thought to use me.
And use me they did.
Priests, politicians...
All pederasts.
Even the nurses and
nuns and night watchmen.
All of them witches,
all there to satisfy
their most base physical
and financial desires...
Through the rectum and lips of a child.
So with no one to answer
to for their horrid crimes,
these devils ran amuck
with my innocence.
But at age 15, I escaped Canada.
I went to the United States, got
on a boat, and never looked back.
Until now.
Yes...
Man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton.
Better to be a walrus.
Yes, Officer,
it's B-R-Y-T-O-N...
We know he rented a car, but we
don't know exactly where from,
so as soon as we land in Winnipeg,
we're just gonna go to every
rental desk at the airport
and see if anyone recognizes him.
Tell 'em if can't find the agency,
we can find the car
using its GPS system.
Recent pictures? Yes, there are some
recent pictures up on the website.
- It's NotSeeParty. com...
- Spell it, spell it!
Hello? Hello?
They fucking hung up.
"The sun was shining on the sea
"Shining with all his might
"He did his very best to make
"The billows smooth and bright
"And this was odd, because it was
"The middle of the night. "
Oh, now, now, Mr. Tusk. There,
there, there, I understand.
It's so very hard to be...
...the elephant of the deep blue sea.
...Stop, stop. Stop it.
Stop it. Walruses never cry!
Oh, I've missed you, Mr. Tusk.
How I've missed our merry
times together on Ponder Rock.
I've regretted every day my
return to this wretched...
Civilization.
This anxious, silly world,
with all the banality
of a breakfast cereal.
The worst of man has long been
fetid with greed and indifference.
The best of man
has long been lobotomized
by reality television.
I never should have left the wilderness.
I never should have left you.
This writhing nest of
two-legged bipeds...
Wallace!
Each devouring the other to stay alive.
And I betrayed you for what?
Man's world?
An immoral cesspool,
boded with the wayward
and the destitute...
Howard Howe.
You gotta call the cops. Call the cops.
I don't know exactly what happened.
I'm scared shitless, man.
- I think he wants to turn
me into, like, a... Like, a...
- That's it?
- It just ends.
Are you sure he is
not pulling your legs?
Getting up to some good
old American monkeyshines?
That doesn't sound like monkeyshines.
But you say you do
these comedy podcasts.
Could this just be
for grins and giggles?
We do... We do a podcast.
But he wouldn't take something
this far. He's not that kind of guy.
Okay, now stick with me here.
I don't mean to be indelicate,
but could there be some
sort of sexual angle?
A romantic entanglement?
An affair or something?
No. He's not that kind of guy.
Okay. Well, I did some checking,
and we don't have a Howard
Howe anywhere in Manitoba.
Shit!
With regard to your friend,
I asked Border Patrol
if they got a report of
him leaving the country yet.
They say he come into
Winnipeg, and that's it.
Don't you two worry.
I'm gonna issue a
Missing Persons on him,
same as they do in the States.
Thank you.
But I'll tell you, that leg bit...
It sure puts the BM
in the PM's coffee, eh?
That is something.
It's creepy, right?
No, no, it's something.
I had a fella come in here
from Quebec two days ago,
asking about any legless
bodies that might've turned up.
Used to be a cop.
Said he is hunting some
kinda serial killer.
I told him, "Canada doesn't
have any serial killers.
"Unless you count the pothead
"who took out all the Cap'n Crunch
last night at the Eh-2-Zed. "
Anyway...
He gave me his number and he left it.
I'll take it.
Ahoy, matey!
You know, it occurs to me...
...that if you are to
fulfill your destiny...
If you are to be a true walrus...
Well, Mr. Tusk...
A walrus must learn to swim.
Whoa, good!
Now, that's it. Show
me how the fishies swim.
Swim. Now, come on.
Come on, damn you. Swim!
Yes, come on. Swim!
I am Guy Lapointe. That is my name.
Guy Lapointe.
And I spend 20 years as the inspector
of the Surete du Quebec.
And but for the last
10 years of my life,
I have been hunting an animal
who is doing the masquerade as the man.
I have been hunting this Howard Howe.
Howard Howe,
this elusive, uh...
Devil made of the flesh,
this serial killer
who makes the bringing
of the blood and terror
to the true north.
I...
Am very dedicated man
and I have sacrificed my life...
Too many marriages,
any chance at happiness,
and very likely, some may say, my, uh...
sanity.
All in the pursuit of
this butcher of the men.
And because of this...
The solace of the sleep
most of the time eludes me.
But last night, after you call me,
I sleep like the breast-fed baby.
And I wake up this
morning, in the morning,
and I know that, in my
bones, my quarry is close.
And he is so close
that I can almost smell his shit.
Pardon my French.
Who has the Blue Skies with fries?
- Oh, that would be me.
- There you go.
How about the Gimli Slider, no onions?
That would also be me.
And a Mon-Sewer Maurice Milkshake.
That would also be me.
Okay, here are some napkins.
You're gonna need those.
All right. Have a nice flight.
Thank you so much.
Now, I'll tell you something.
They don't have these
back home, you know.
You throw a rock in Quebec City,
and it'll land in a Chez Ashton. But...
Not a single goddamn Gimli Slider.
And that, in my opinion,
is the only failure of the
mighty people of Quebec.
How many people has he killed?
Twenty-three.
And if your friend has been abducted
by the same monster that I am hunting,
it is probably going
to be 24 pretty soon.
His MO is always the same.
A month after the disappearance,
we find pieces of the skinned body.
And the legs are always
amputated at the knees.
Arms are always fused to the body,
like a kind of a crucified T-Rex.
You know, like that.
That's what it looks like.
And always the mouth and the
teeth have been disturbed.
How?
Mmm.
With a very thick, um...
Ah!
What was I saying?
How have they been disturbed?
In every case, the tongues
have been ripped out.
Jesus!
Oh, yes.
It is one fuck of a bummer to
look at, I can tell you that.
Were any of them...
Sexually...
Oh, no, no. He doesn't
touch them like that.
He butchers them.
Amputates limbs, cuts out tongues.
But he don't do nothing
sexy with them, you know.
Never.
The boys on the force nicknamed
this killer "The First Wife,"
because the first wife
doesn't let you talk,
she doesn't let you go anywhere,
and she does not fuck you.
See it's...
And she don't fuck you.
It's... It's funnier if you've
been married a few times.
Maybe we should be
talking to someone else.
Mmm...
I think that that's a very good idea
for you to go and talk to someone else,
Mr. Big Bear Riding a Bulldozer.
Or maybe you could just
ferme your fucking bouche
for one second
and listen to Guy Lapointe.
Hmm?
- Let me tell a story.
- Okay.
I believe that two...
Can you come closer?
Can you come closer?
Closer, you... Can you
come... Can you come closer?
I believe that two years back,
I met this son of a bitch.
Ah, well!
Good afternoon to you,
sir. I am Guy Lapointe.
Surete du Quebec.
Oh! Did you come here about the spider?
Hmm?
I called the police two days ago
because there's a big ol'
spider in my potty hole.
Your "potty hole"?
The shitter!
...Oh, I see.
So you have some sort of creepy
crawler thing in your toilet box?
Yes, he's a big ol' brown recluse.
- Yeah. They call it the hobo spider.
- Oh.
And it's mean. I called the police.
And the lady on the phone said to me,
"Oh, we'll send somebody
out in a few days. "
Well, I have to regret...
Regretfully inform you
that I'm not the man.
I'm not that man who was sent by the
lady who said she was sending someone.
I'm not him.
You're not gonna shoot the spider?
As an inspector of the
Surete du Quebec, er...
I'm actually not authorized
to discharge a weapon...
- ... at a bug.
- Oh.
One of the downsides of the job.
But I come today because
I'm investigating...
Well, a disappearance.
- Oh?
- Yes, sir.
The hockey player, Gregory
Gumtree, from Quebec City.
A lot of people have heard of him.
I have even heard of him once or
twice before all of this happened.
So, many people have heard of him.
Have you heard of him perhaps?
- No.
- No.
No. Well, last month,
he was drafted by the New Nordiques.
Oh, well... Piss on the New Nordiques!
Give me back my old Nordiques.
I...
Do you know something, sir,
I truly respect your, er, passion
for the game of the hockey.
Huh?
So anyway, this hockey
player, Gregory Gumtree...
I guess he'd seen some
sort of advertisement
in a bar bathroom that said,
"We can give you a place to live
"in a living situation
that's not far from here. "
But somewhere between
here and Quebec City,
the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...
- Well, he went missing.
- Oh.
And so I stopped by to see
if maybe you might have heard
or seen something that was
a little out of the ordinary
the other night on that
Monday... Monday night.
Oh, no, not Monday night,
because I'm down at the rink.
I'm down at the ice rink Monday
nights, with the little mites.
Oh, do you coach the hockey mites?
No, no, I'm not the coach. No, no, I'm
just the coach's helper monkey, you know.
On Monday nights, I come
and I pick up the sticks,
and I bring the little ones
water, you know, during the drills,
- and all
that. - Uh-huh.
And then on Monday nights
we go out for poutine.
Have you ever been to
Poutine-ee Weeny, on Rue de Jour?
Poutine really does not agree with me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- My innards...
It creates such a, er...
Poutine gives me just the worst shits.
I'm sorry to be so crass
about it and everything.
By the way, you know, I
didn't even get your name.
Bartholomew Moseeay.
You sure you don't have time
to come in and kill a spider?
You know, I would... I swear
to you that I would help
- in any way that I could...
- Yeah.
I would help, but I'm really
just a lowly homicide detective
and I'm really not paid enough to, er...
To deal with the savage
animals, you know.
You know what I think, Mr. Lapointe?
I think that the real savage animals
are the human beings.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day, sir.
Thank you very much.
In all of the Canada,
there is no record...
Of a man named Bartholomew Moseeay.
There is no local rink,
there is no hockey mites.
And I would also assume that
there is no Poutine-ee Weeny.
But ever since that day,
I've stopped making the
assumptions, you know.
The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...
He was probably in that house, you know.
And I was standing on the porch,
assuming that I was talking
to some harmless simpleton
who spoke funny.
But, um...
But one month later,
we find what is left
of the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.
His torso was blocking up a
sewer pipe outside of Gatineau.
So...
The man-child, Bartholomew Moseeay...
Or Howard Howe, went poof!
Poof! Disappear.
He disappeared.
Do you want to know what my theory is?
The theory that got me excused
from the Surete du Quebec?
Please.
All of the victims
have holes in the mouth.
He cuts off the legs,
he sews the arms...
But he puts something in their
mouths that we don't get to see.
Some of the cops were
saying that the holes
are from the meat hooks,
you know, if they...
They hang up the body, while you use
to rip it up, the flesh and all that.
You know what I mean?
I beg to differ.
- Well, what do you say?
- Ah, well...
The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree,
the boy that I failed to save.
Just like all the rest,
he had missing legs,
missing tongue, missing teeth,
the hole in the roof of the mouth.
But the medical examiner,
he found something...
Inside the hole of his mouth.
It was a tiny piece of the victim's
own tibia bone. No bigger than this.
So why would a piece of his
leg bone be in his mouth?
Oh, I don't know.
So I go to see this mama of the
hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.
And I say to her, "You are the mama
"and you know the
things about the child.
"You feel things that no
police or nobody can feel.
"So, how do you think
your boy was killed?"
And the mama, she's...
She is crying, you know.
And now it is as if she is
like my own mama, you know.
And then the mama, she say to me...
She say to me...
"This man is making a monster.
"This man is making a monster. "
Mr. Tusk...
Why do you blubber so?
Are you really mourning
your loss of humanity?
I don't understand.
Who in the hell would want to be human?
God almighty!
In all my travels,
I've only ever known a
human to be an ocean of shit.
And my vessel lifts...
And is leaking.
I am so very tired, Mr. Tusk.
Battered by a life of cruel fate...
And poor decisions.
And the terrible consequences of both.
The water is wide
And I dare not cross over
Nor have I wings...
Wings to fly
Build me a boat
That can carry two
And both shall row
My love and I
Oh.
You must be terribly hungry by now.
That is a mackerel.
Bon appetit, Monsieur Tusk.
Yes...
Now go to the fish, Mr. Tusk.
Take the mackerel.
Feed.
So this is nice and very
roomy for an economy.
I should have rented
this model, I knew it.
- Did you pre-pay for
the gasoline? - Uh, yeah.
- So where do we go first?
- Now, where?
Where is for wolf.
We look for the which.
As in, which one of you knows
this missing podcaster the best.
I do.
- You do.
- Yeah.
Okay, so on the phone message, it said he
was driving for, like, two hours or something.
So you know him best, you know
what he likes to do when he drives,
because nobody does nothing in a car.
Does he smoke the cigarettes,
does he chew the tobaccos
or toothpicks, does he drink the coffee?
Does he have some other
thing? I don't know.
Me, for example, all I do...
I cannot start the car without
having the double-double
with eight sugars and
just a dash of cream.
So what we really need to do
is discern this podcaster's
ritual while he is driving.
He likes big, goofy
convenience store drinks.
Oh, my God! It's Mr. Mustache.
- Colleen! Hurry up!
- I'm coming.
Oh, my God, what?
No way! It's Mr. Mustache.
"Mr. Mustache"?
No, it's not the room I'm interested
in as much as you, Mr. Howe.
Yeah, tonight would be... That would
be amazing, sir. Yes. Thank you.
All right, where am I going?
Bifrost? Sounds erotic.
Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.
Excuse me, hey!
How's everything over at Degrassi, huh?
You kids still getting
knocked up and shot at?
...What?
Degrassi!
Never mind. Uh, how far
is Bifrost from here?
Bifrost? Shit! That's far.
Yeah, it's about two hours from here.
Oh, God bless you, generous angels.
Yeah, the kids here at
the convenience store
are telling me that it's
about two hours away.
I hate American guys.
You sure that's not gonna be
too late for you, Mr. Howe?
Okay, awesome. Yeah.
What's your address?
Hang on one second, sir. Hang on.
Hey, hey, hey!
Can you get off those for
one second and give me a pen?
Sorry, sir.
Thank you. God bless you.
You guys have pads here, in Canada?
Anything to write on, or
you just write in the air?
Hashtag thanks.
Hey, I'm just gonna go
ahead and write on ya.
Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe. Yeah.
Great. Got it.
And I'm gonna leave right now, so
I'll see you in about two hours.
Good. Okay, bye now.
How much do I owe you?
That's me? That's my mustache?
"Yep! I'm American. How are
things over at Degrassi High?"
"Do you ladies know where
Bifrost is? Uh, duh!"
You guys suck.
So this pad of paper that he
borrowed to write down the address,
I would like for you to give
it to me, please, if you would.
Give him the pad.
You give him the pad.
Give him the pad!
One of you must give me the pad now.
I thank you very much.
Do you have a pencil?
Thank you very much.
You see that?
Wow...
That's amazing.
They did it in The Big Lebowski.
Do you know, that's exactly where
I learned it from. Isn't that weird?
Okay.
Yeah. Isn't this soothing to the soul?
You know, if I close my eyes,
I can almost imagine
me back on Ponder Rock,
I knew peace in this
twisted, hateful world.
I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk.
This is just a poor facsimile
of that magical enclave
where we first became good friends.
Remember?
Until that...
Terrible day.
Man feeds on the meat
and sinew of the helpless.
Until we are all...
...alone.
We survive at all costs.
Only to butcher again.
And again.
Until we ourselves are
at last butchered in turn.
You were not prepared for
me last time, Mr. Tusk.
You were not ready for the fight.
This time it will be different.
Because I have hardened you...
Just to show you...
How cruel man can be.
And if I truly brought
out the walrus in you...
...this time, you just might prevail.
Less than a kilometer
from Mile Marker 9...
- Yeah, the plates match.
- I'm going...
No, no, he's not there. I
promise you he's not there.
But he is close.
So...
We are about to find your friend.
And the dangerous man who took him.
These are guns.
I don't want one.
You don't want a gun?
You take 'em.
What... What kind of American are you?
The kind that has
never used a gun before.
Take the fuckin' gun!
Yes, take the fuckin' gun, please.
I'll take the big one.
Yeah.
Some years back, I was rescued
from the island of Ponder Rock
a mere hour after I had
butchered my sweet savior walrus
in order to live.
I've marked this
occasion for 15 years now
by allowing my flippered friend
the fighting chance he never had.
So...
You will fight me, Mr. Walrus!
Or you will die!
Wallace!
Wallace!
- Wallace!
- Wallace!
So just as I had to
kill you on the rock,
you have a terrible choice to make here.
You have to kill me if you want to live.
And if you live,
you will be as a walrus
that you almost are.
So...
Either you go full walrus...
...Or this!
Oh, what the fuck?
- Wallace! Wallace!
- Wallace!
- Wallace!
- Wallace!
You have lasted longer than the rest.
You'd kill me if you could.
You want to.
Your survival instincts have kicked in.
But so have mine!
Where is it coming from?
- Behind the wall!
- Wallace!
- He's behind the wall!
- Wallace!
- Ally, there's give.
- Stand back!
It is accomplished.
You are my...
Mr. Tusk.
Wallace...
No!
Wallace!
No! No!
No, don't murder him.
Please. Leave him alone.
Stop!
Wallace!
We're here.
It's Ally.
And Teddy.
The treat.
You don't have to hide from us, Wallace.
Wallace!
I can't even remember the last time you
cried while watching Winnie the Pooh.
So I don't cry, I mean, big deal!
I'm also a lot older, remember?
Crying's kind of for babies.
I remember when my grandma died and...
My grandpa was destroyed.
He had tears streaming down his face,
he was holding her picture,
and I was so worried.
I used to say...
What's that?
Don't cry.
And he would say, "No, Juanita. "
"It's good to cry.
"It separates us from the animals.
"It shows you have a soul. "
I love you, Wallace.
Don't ever forget that.
It's all right.
Come on.
Welcome to Smodcast. I'm Kevin Smith.
- I'm Scott Mosier.
- Oh, shit!
All right, so here's the third act.
He then goes and puts on his suit,
you know, made of human skins.
And so you realize
he's done this before.
- Like, I'm not the first lodger
and shit like that. Gotcha.
So he's in it, you're in yours,
and you guys have to have one of
them walrus fights, like on the beach.
Where you slam each other, going...
And we started saying, "Is
man indeed a walrus at heart?"
You ultimately get him and...
But then what has to happen at the end
is that once he makes that switch...
- Yeah.
- ... he can't go back.
Like the clinic for the criminally
insane or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you see, you know,
like, his buddy...
He's got something
wrapped in a newspaper
- and you don't know
what's going on. Yes.
It's a fish. Oh, that's awesome.
And it is... It's like
another walrus enclave.
A better version of where he was.
- Because he realized they can't
reverse the process. No, they can't.
He's gone. Even in his
head, he's gone full walrus.
You're right.
And he throws him the
fish, and then, fuckin'...
The walrus-man scurries over
to it all gross and shit,
and starts biting at it on the ground.
They play, like, some sad piano music.
Roll credits as we pull
back in this overhead,
watching him fuckin' eating
this fish off the ground.
And there's a song that's just like...
Being tender in your heart!
- Is that a real song?
- No!
Like, we need a hashtag for this.
The conversation needs to grow.
Two hashtags.
Walrus yes, walrus no.
Oh, for people who don't want it? Yeah.
Your vote is crucial.
You just had to have the second slider.
You just had to have the second slider.
fucking piss my pants.
Hey, if you wanna watch this video,
please go to our
website NotSeeParty. com.
N-O-T...
S-E-E...
And not "Nazi" with a "Z".
That'd be like cross-dressing
Adolf Eichmann-Liza
Minnelli impersonator.
If I... If I die of
laughter during this segment,
I don't want you to feel bad.
I want you all to
know that I died happy,
because this video is the greatest
thing that's ever happened to me.
It's up to like 30 something million.
Here we... Here we go.
Shit!
I'm gonna talk to this
kid about everything.
I wanna know... I wanna
know what he masturbates to,
I wanna know if he kept the
leg. Did he keep the leg?
I gotta say though, man. I've
watched this video enough.
I'm starting to feel bad for the kid.
I'm not laughed out yet
but I'm feeling bad for him.
Feeling bad? The kid's got
tons of hits 'cause he's famous.
Right? I mean what more do you
want? He's got more hits than I do.
I'm kinda in a weird way, jealous.
I don't need both legs. What
am I? I'm not running marathons.
So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes.
Next week, Wanderin' Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip
up to the Great White
North to meet with a star.
My only hope is that
he doesn't cry too much.
Join us next week
while Wallace sits down
with the one-legged wonder,
the master of self-mutilation
of Internet humiliation,
the Kill Bill Kid.
Which is about all you can do
if you're the Kill Bill Kid.
You just sit your one-legged ass down,
- forever.
- Aw.
Oh, it's too easy. It was right there!
- You're going to hell, man. - They're
like plums, like low-hanging plums.
I had to grab it.
Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
And this is Wallace
Bryton reminding you to...
Join ze Not-See Party!
Welcome to Canada.
Oh!
Hey, there.
Hey there, yourself, fellow
facial hair aficionado.
Yeah, not as good as you. My God!
- Yeah, years back. Now it's...
- Los Angeles.
A man torn betwixt Devils and Kings.
Oh! Hockey.
You're damn right, hockey.
Hmm. I don't really follow hockey.
Okay.
Hands off the counter, please.
Really?
Yeah, really. Thank you.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
When you're visiting the
Great White North of Canada,
you got your Cana-Do's and
you got your Cana-Don'ts.
Top shelf, right there. Number one.
Don't go tell any Canadian
you don't follow hockey.
Of course!
I should've known that.
It makes 'em sad, right?
A Canadian doesn't get sad.
Sadness was made by the USA.
Oh, come on. What does that mean?
Take off, it's true.
Right there on our flag.
It's right there when you look at it.
When you see past
that sacred Maple Leaf,
you know what you see?
A white wall.
You see that in America,
you may be red, white and blue.
But in Canada, you're red,
white but never blue, eh?
Ever.
Got you. That's actually...
You know, I've never thought
of it that way before.
I always think of
Canadians as just nice.
Well, that right there
is another Cana-Don't.
We're not nice, we're
optimistic. There is a difference.
- Right.
- And we're tolerant.
- Hmm.
- And we're hung like moose.
Oh!
That's great.
Back to business, then.
What're you doing in Manitoba?
Um, I'm recording a podcast.
So what I do is, I, uh...
I travel around and I interview
weird or interesting people
and I describe it to my best friend
who does not see it first-hand
since he won't fly anywhere.
It's called The Not-See Party.
Whoa, whoa! Nazi Party?
Oh, no. It's
spelled N-O-T-S-E-E,
not the other... Hatey one.
You know, that Hitler.
You don't say Hitler in an airport.
All right.
What the fuck is this?
Hey!
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Hey, fucker. Are you ready for this?
Fucking Kill Bill Kid
fucking killed himself, sir!
With his own fucking sword!
Can you believe that shit?
I'm not fucking kidding you.
He couldn't hold out for two more days,
the selfish little
peg-legged piece of shit.
I'm so pissed off right now. I
gotta find a flight back tonight.
But I'm thinking I don't wanna
come all the way back with nothing.
We need a show this week, so...
I'm in fucking Winnipeg
in a bar called, uh...
Bar "H."
I don't know what the fuck
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna...
Try to find some other Canadian
weirdo up here I can talk to, but...
I gotta be honest, man.
There is nothing weird about Canada.
It is painfully boring up here.
But shit! $550 for a
fucking plane ticket.
Selfish little prick.
I know it's fucked up to say, but...
God damn it! It was killing me.
All right.
Signing off from the Great White North.
Coo loo coo coo, coo coo coo
Coo loo coo coo
Oh, shit. Beep.
Hey, man, where is your bathroom?
Hello, I am an old man
who has enjoyed a long
and storied life at sea.
I am a proud Canadian who
has traveled a peculiar path
lo these many years.
And after eons of oceanic adventure,
I find myself a landlubber,
with Manitoba as my final port.
I know I do not wish to
spend my remaining years alone
in a giant house.
Not when I have such stories to share.
No, it's not the room I'm interested in
as much as you, Mr. Howe.
Yeah, tonight would be...
That'd be amazing, sir. Yes, thank you.
All right, where am I going?
Bifrost? Sounds erotic.
Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.
Excuse me, hey!
Uh, how far is Bifrost from here?
Bifrost? Shit! That's far.
Yeah, it's about two hours from here.
Yeah, the kids here at
the convenience store
are telling me that it's
"aboot" two hours away.
I hate American guys.
Yeah, what's your address?
So to this end, I'm
offering a room for rent
in my stately woodland home.
This arrangement will be free of charge,
providing you perform the
simple household chores
I can no longer tend to
from the confines of
this cursed wheelchair.
But though I may be old, I have lived.
And I will tell you all
about my many adventures,
in vivid detail.
Please feel free to call
me at the number below.
Respectfully, Howard Howe.
All right. This better
be fucking worth it.
You have arrived at your destination.
Hello? Hello?
Hello! Up here, please.
Hello?
Good evening!
Mr. Howe?
Well actually, it's Howard.
Mr. Howard, hey!
You know, when people first
become entangled with my name,
it's much like a French bedroom farce.
Now, Mr. Howe would be appropriate,
but I prefer the intimacy of Howard.
Howard.
Now that we have that
unpleasantness out of the way,
may I welcome you to
Pippy Hill, my home.
Oh, yes. It's great.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Pleasure. Pleasure.
Could I interest you in some tea?
You can. But first, uh...
Can I use your bathroom?
Smashing.
Phew!
Hoo-ah!
Oh, Jesus!
Whoo!
Well, did everything come out all right?
Oh, yeah. Great.
Thank you.
You're welcome, there's your tea.
All right. Thank you.
You know, my second wife...
I presume my last...
Used to say, bless her heart.
"Rather saint than sin,
Better out than in. "
She was referring to gas,
of course! Her own, mind you.
That's great.
This... Thank you.
You bet.
God damn, this is good.
So did you find the
water closet satisfactory?
Oh, yes. Thank you so much.
That was great!
I was holding it in for half the ride.
It's a little embarrassing but, um...
I was kinda spooked to get out of
the car in the middle of nowhere.
...You know.
I must say
your phone call intrigued me.
Well, I'm telling you,
your handbill intrigued me.
Did I understand you
correctly on the phone
when you said you weren't
looking for a living arrangement?
Mmm-mmm.
No, I live in Los Angeles.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
City of Angels.
Well, I've never seen any myself.
More the opposite, really.
My grandma, Mimsy, used to tell us,
"You needn't go very far to
find hell in a hand basket. "
I like that. I like Mimsy.
Oh, my grandma... My
grandma used to say...
She'd say, "Hell is your children. "
Chain smoker, "Hell is your
children. " She was the worst.
How droll.
She must've been an interesting woman.
Oh, now, she was flatulent.
Oh, let me tell you, it was cra...
I've never seen anything like
it or smelled anything like it.
She would hang stuff on her
walls, too. Just like you.
My life lines these walls, Mr. Bryton.
And though I cannot boast of legs,
that are functioning...
That keep me ambulatory.
I still thank the Lord for
leaving me with a memory,
a living memory of my many adventures.
Yeah, those adventures are
what I'm here about, Mr. Howe.
You said that on the phone
that you were much more
interested in me personally
than you were the room.
Yes, because I saw this.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
And you have no idea, I'm up
here in this frozen shithole.
I think my trip is a bust.
And I feel like I just stumbled
into a goldmine, with this thing.
And you talk about sharing
stories. That's what I do.
I'm a storyteller by trade.
Oh, I see. You're a... You're a writer?
Well, mmm-mmm.
I'm a podcaster.
What on earth is that?
Oh...
I'm sorry. I'm not
laughing at you. You just...
You just reminded me of my mom.
"Wally, what're you doing?"
Ugh, she's the worst. You're fantastic.
Um, a podcast is kinda like a...
It's like a radio show
that's not on the radio.
It's on... It's on the Internet.
Does that make sense?
Uh-huh.
Yeah. That's also like my mom.
It makes this sound more
confusing, doesn't it?
Uh, it sounds like this.
Listen... Now you listen to me.
I just came in my pants.
That's my McConaughey,
prematurely ejaculating.
I pissed my pants.
So you can actually say those
things without any repercussion?
Yeah, the audience likes
it, real and raunchy.
So I try to keep it real and raunchy.
And real raunchy.
You know the freedoms
your generation enjoys...
- Hmm.
- Oh, I tell you...
Libertines the lot of you.
Can I just tell you something?
This is gonna sound really weird but...
I've never had tea like this.
It's blowing my mind.
I feel like I've never
had tea in my life.
Um, I'm like popping my cherry.
I'm not even a tea person.
I believe we're all tea people.
There's a trick to it.
You see, you soak the leaves
in brandy before steeping.
Of course.
You can't lose with booze.
"Well, always do sober
what you'd do drunk.
"It will teach you to
keep your mouth shut. "
Okay, okay. Now, this one, I know. Uh...
Hemingway said that.
Yes, he did.
He said it to me.
You knew Ernest Hemingway?
Well, we met on the waters of Normandy.
You were there for D-Day?
No, I was there before D-Day.
I was there when it was
called Operation Neptune.
Holy... Hold on.
You were on the beach?
No, no. I was on a boat as was Ernie.
Ernie?
Ernie was deemed "precious
cargo" by the powers that be,
so he was prohibited from
joining the incursion.
They ordered Hemingway to stay
on the boat? Are you kidding?
Yes, they did.
Which vexed Mr. Hemingway,
to say the least.
You know how he loved
to hunt the big game.
Yeah.
Big and the deadly. Well, there was
nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi.
Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife.
Nazi bitches. Of course.
And so, prohibited from
joining the incursion,
Hemingway went to the
galley in search of alcohol.
And the only one to
oblige him, of course,
was a 16-year-old
potato peeler on KP duty.
Oh, my God!
Holy shit, no kidding.
Yes, so I proffered for
Hemingway a bottle of Wiser.
And I'll never forget what he did next.
There was a smile crawled
across the man's face.
It was so slow as if
it were a caterpillar.
Then he turned to me and slapped
me on the back and he said,
"You are a kitchen witch
of only good fortune. "
Kitchen witch?
God.
So we drank Wiser and when the
reports came back of how many...
boys had fallen at Omaha.
That's when he said to me,
"Only do sober what you'd do drunk.
"It will teach you to
keep your mouth shut. "
Oh, God, that's... That's nuts, man!
It's incredible.
Well, actually, if you look
to the right of the fireplace,
you'll see the incredible aspect.
This is the bottle?
Holy shit!
This is the coolest
thing I've ever seen.
Well, it's just an old bottle.
But if you combine it with a story,
then it becomes, if I may say so,
a powerful talisman,
a doorway to another time and place.
Perhaps, a drawbridge to history.
Yeah.
So fucking cool.
What's this?
Ah!
I see, you have an eye for the
unfamiliar and the curiosity of a cat.
That should take you very far.
That is the baculum of a walrus.
The Alaskans call it an oosik.
Oosik.
Oh! So it's like a...
Like a walrus spine?
No. It's more like a walrus cock.
Shut up!
I am a dirty boy, aren't I?
This is a walrus dick?
No, no. That's the baculum.
That's the bones found in the
penis of most placental mammals
excluding man, of course.
Ah, that's not fair.
You know,
it is in aid of sexual intercourse.
It maintains the stiffness of the
animal during coital penetration.
Hey, if you got something
like this between your legs,
you don't need any help
with coital penetration.
Jesus Christ!
You are a rapscallion of the
highest order, Mr. Bryton.
- Can I get my hands on it?
- Yes, of course.
Wow!
No, what? This is crazy.
You'd be right to admire the walrus.
It is probably God's most noble creature
far more evolved than
any man I've ever known.
Present company included.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I appreciate that.
So where did you buy something
like this? A head shop?
Well, I became acquainted with a walrus
when I was lost at sea.
Shut the front door!
You were lost at sea?
Yes.
Who are you, Rudyard fucking Kipling?
In 1959,
I was back on a boat.
Around the Gulf of Anadyr
which is the southern coast of Siberia.
In Chukchi Peninsula.
Perhaps, the best years of my life.
My culinary capabilities
in small, sea-faring vessels
earned me my passport to the world.
As a matter of fact,
it was my magic with a halibut
that landed me the chef's position
on the Anastasia
as we traversed into
Soviet waters exploring.
Wait. So this is like... What
is this, like, Cold War stuff?
No, no, no.
We were in search of
the Siberian Great White.
The Great White Shark?
No way.
Yes. And the Russians
called the hungry god
"The Whale Eater. "
Oh!
It's reported to be 25 feet in length,
with some 3 tons on him.
What?
Holy shit! Did you find him?
No, no. No, no. We only found...
Death off the Chukchi Peninsula.
In the inky heart of night,
the Anastasia collided with an iceberg.
I watched a ship disappear in minutes
into the black Russian sea.
Then I heard the screams
of the crew silenced
in the Siberian brine.
So what happened after the boat sank?
I was alone.
"Alone, alone, all alone,
on a white wide sea!
"And never a saint took
pity on my soul in agony. "
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.
Well remembered, Mr. Bryton.
- Hmm.
- Well remembered.
But you know, when
the screaming stopped,
I thought I was alone until something
very swift and frightening moved by me.
"The many men, so beautiful!
"And they all dead did lie
"And a thousand, thousand
slimy things lived on
"And so did I."
God! How scared were you?
Oh!
I don't mind admitting I was terrified.
I know you've probably been scared
a few times in your life, Mr. Bryton.
But I'd wager to say you've
never known true terror.
I became intimately familiar
with terror that night, as I swam.
I kicked at the water and stroked for
I know not where. It was so pitch black.
So I swam deeper and
deeper into the ebony void
and I prayed that whatever brushed by me
was now feasting upon the
expedition crew instead.
Sweet whistling Christ!
I awoke on the shores
of a very small island,
regurgitating sea water,
and discombobulated beyond belief.
And then as I stood to my feet,
I saw the sweetest sight
my orbs have ever taken in.
I saw my savior.
I saw a walrus.
A walrus?
A walrus saved your life?
- Yes.
- - What?
This curious fellow loomed over me,
with tusks as tall as
Scylla and Charibdys.
But it was...
It was as gentle as a milking cow
and it took me into its
blubbery body to keep me warm,
as if I were a newborn chick, you see.
Unbelievable!
Yes.
And though I couldn't
know what he was called
by his marine brethren,
I named him after the only
authority figure I'd ever known,
I ever trusted in my entire life.
The janitor at a boys'
home I had attended
whose name was Mr. Tuskegee.
So I called my companion, Mr. Tusk.
Mr. Tusk? That's cute.
Cute.
Well,
cute is for Chinese babies, Mr. Bryton.
But my walrus companion was beautiful.
I have never known such
a fulfilling friendship
with anyone, human or otherwise.
And for six glorious months,
I was at utter peace
and I knew the only bliss
this wretched life has ever afforded me.
What did you...
What'd you...
What'd you...
There, there.
It'll be all right.
It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk.
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
Ha!
Why... Why're you stopping?
I don't want you to
go to Canada tomorrow.
Okay, I won't go to
Canada! Just finish...
Oh, you're so full of
shit, your eyes are brown.
I know. I know, I'm full of shit.
I'm bad. So spank me.
Spank me right there...
- Nope. I'm not gonna do it.
- What?
All right.
Seriously? No, no.
- It's gonna get on you, then.
- No! No!
You don't even deserve a selfie.
Why not? Come on. We talked about this.
I'm gonna take a quick
Cana-deuce tomorrow.
I'll be back in the morning.
Hmm?
Making fun of this kid on
the podcast is one thing,
but to go over there to his house...
It's... It's horrible, okay?
This just feels gamey.
Gamey?
Ally, the kid reached out to me! Okay?
He turned down Oprah fucking
Winfrey to talk to me.
Me!
Come on, this is huge for the show.
I don't wanna do it. I
don't wanna make of him.
But, it's for the show.
It's for the podcast.
You know you're a real fucking asshole.
And this, this does
not work for you at all.
Doing your dopey comedy
sketches is bad enough.
...But to exploit him to his face...
It's vicious.
- The Wallace I fell in...
- No, that's vicious.
To do what you did, that's vicious.
That's mean, that's exploitative.
To take a little taste and walk away.
- Are you
serious? - Mmm-hmm.
The Wallace I fell in love
with would not do that.
The Wallace I fell in love with
would never say this stupid-ass shit.
The Wallace you fell in love with
was an un-funny little dick-hole
who used to make bad Star Wars puns
and couldn't pay his bills.
I... I'm sorry but I kinda
prefer the new Wallace.
New Wallace made 100 grand
in ads alone last year.
That's before the T-shirt
sales and all the live shows.
So...
AMC is coming to see the new
Wallace's showcase next week.
Why do you think that is?
'Cause of agents?
'Cause he played the
clubs every fucking night
like ol' unfunny Wallace used to?
No. It's 'cause he's a
juggernaut of a podcast,
hosted by new Wallace.
Old Wallace!
Old Wallace was a fucking loser
who never popped a piss in our window
to throw it out.
Old Wallace had me.
Oh!
- He'd like to have you again.
- So take me with you.
If I bring you, you know this.
Teddy gets weird and jealous
and then the show sucks.
You know, he's got this
thing. Like if you're around,
I'm not as funny as I usually am
'cause you're a distraction.
Blah, blah, blah. I don't know.
I can't figure out what's
going on in that kid's head.
All I know is that if it were up to me,
of course, I would bring you.
Old Wallace wouldn't give
a shit, he'd just take me.
He'd just take me anyway.
Ah, well!
Old Wallace also used to wear
a fucking stethoscope on stage.
Oh, speaking of...
We saw my first stand-up
set on the show today.
Whoo! It was fucking brutal.
It was even worse than I remembered.
It's really embarrassing, actually.
Teddy was dying. Little shit.
News flash. Cringe humor
attack shit is lame.
Sorry, I didn't hear what you're
saying. I just love that accent.
It's lame, this cringe humor...
- Love your accent.
- I don't talk like that!
I don't talk like that!
...Listen, 'stache!
That's the worst Latino accent
I have ever heard in my life.
That's the worst Latino
accent I've ever heard...
Can you... Can you just turn
down the funny right now, stache.
The podcast's not on.
- I know.
- It's just me and you.
I'm trying to be lovey-dovey.
You're fucking it up.
Fuck, it's... Because I have
a raging hard-on!
I wanna be lovey-dovey
too. I love lovey-dovey.
But we can be lovey-dovey on
the phone when I'm in Canada.
You know what we can't
do on the phone? Fuck.
Why don't we that right now? Come on.
See? Come on.
New Wallace is kinda funny.
Yeah, he can be kinda funny.
I just... I miss old Wallace.
I miss you. I miss the
real you. Is he in there?
- Ugh!
- You know, that geeky kid.
- Who even thanked me on stage.
- Geeky?
Yeah, geeky.
I miss the guy who told me, he
loved me the first time we had sex.
The guy who gets baked and
cries watching Winnie the Pooh.
You're so sweet. Such a softy.
Nothing soft about me now.
Yeah, I know and it sucks.
- Relax.
- Okay.
What?
Well...
Look who's back.
I must say you scared
the bejesus out of me.
Oh, what kind of nurse am I?
Here you go, here's your cup.
Wet your whistle, my dry little thistle.
What...
Wha...
- What happened?
- Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my dear boy.
Well, you passed out
right in front of me.
Yeah.
So tired.
I mean, one moment, I'm waxing lyrically
about my many ocean voyages,
and the next thing I know,
you fell out of your
chair and collapsed.
I didn't know what it
was until I looked down,
and I saw this rather
intimidating spider
crawling down your pant leg.
Spider?
Yes, a brown recluse.
A rather toxic little insect.
These woods are full of them.
Yeah, some of them are poisonous.
Hmm.
Oh, shit! A spider bit me?
Yes, well, I'm so sorry.
Where's my phone?
- Phone?
- Mmm-hmm.
I got to make a call.
Well, I'm afraid the doctor
stepped on it and broke it.
I'm afraid it lies in pieces.
Mmm. There was a doctor here?
Yes, Doctor Moseeay.
He lives just up the
road around 8 miles.
- Moseeay?
- Yeah.
- Kind of a funny name.
- Yeah.
He was here within a
half an hour of your...
Incident.
I forget your name.
My name? Howard Howe.
Mmm, Howard, I can't feel my legs.
Well, that would be the spinal
injection you see. They...
The Recluse sank her fangs into you
and filled you with so
much poison that your...
Your ankle was the size
of an elephant's leg.
Oh, shit.
What kind of an elephant?
A very fat one.
Mmm-hmm.
- Shit!
- Yeah.
So, with the venom
traveling to your heart
it forced the doctor, to save your life,
to take, as we say... Drastic measures.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Holy shit!
There's no leg there.
Doesn't appear to be.
Just let it out, dear
boy. Let it all out.
My leg is off.
Oh, my God.
Nature can be very
red in tooth and claw.
What?
Tennyson.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Why am I still here? Why
aren't I in the hospital?
Well, hospitals...
Carry diseases.
So, Dr. Moseeay thought
it would be best if you...
Well, just stay here since
the room is sanitized all day.
It would be best if you recuperate here.
It doesn't make any sense.
Spider. The spider bit you.
All right, I wanna walk to this guy.
Where's the doctor? I wanna talk to him.
Well, uh... The doctor's
making his rounds.
Rounds? What rounds? We're
in the middle of nowhere!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we're not.
No, we're not, Mr. Bryton.
I've been to the middle of
nowhere. And it is a ghastly place.
I don't want to hear
your fucking stories.
What the fuck is this?
...Why are you laughing?
You're funny.
Well, that's a belt to keep you from
falling out of your chair, you see.
Why?
The belt is to keep you from falling
over until the spinal wears off...
Spinal wears off and you get full
control of your faculties again.
That is, most of your faculties.
I... I need a phone.
I gotta call my family.
Doctor Moseeay removed all
the phones from the house.
He didn't want you disturbed.
What the fuck?
So, I'll talk to him
and I can ask him if you
can call home after supper.
I gotta call.
So it would be best if you take a nap.
You're heavily, heavily tranquilized.
I got to tell my family.
I gotta use a phone...
I gotta talk to a doctor.
- Moseeay, Dr. Moseeay.
- I wanna talk to him.
Well, you can't. You
see, he is on his rounds.
You give me a phone.
Don't have a phone.
The doctor removed them all.
That's... Insane.
Possibly so, but it's true.
We sup at 6:00 sharp.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
All right, wait.
I am...
...truly sorry for your loss.
You're not eating?
I can't move my arms.
Well...
That would be the morphine.
It is capital for the leg pain,
and perhaps the only thing
keeps you from howling in agony.
But it does tend to
leave one a bit sleepy.
I'm not sleepy.
At all.
- I'm immobilized.
- Hmm.
Well...
You know...
I was thinking...
The melancholy
of losing a limb
must be akin to
mourning a close friend that you
too often took for granted.
Hmm...
There was no spider, was there?
Yes, there was. A brown recluse.
Colloquially called the hobo spider.
Ah, that's interesting.
And you saw it?
Yeah.
You saw the spider?
I... I just wish that I had
spied the little creature
before it so viciously attacked you.
What'd it look like?
The Arachnid Assailant?
- Yeah.
- Well...
A typical spider...
A legion of legs, you know, etc,
etc. It was very small though.
So small you might
even call it Itsy Bitsy.
The Itsy, Bitsy Spider
went up the water spout
Holy shit...
Down came the rain
and washed the spider out
Let me out of this
chair, you fucking psycho!
Let me out! Let me out,
you old fucking nutbag!
Help! Somebody help!
Now, shall we dispense
with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton?
Perhaps it would be best, in
this, our burgeoning relationship,
to reveal our hearts
with absolute candor.
See, for some time now
I've been constructing
a very realistic walrus suit.
What?
And I believe with just a few minor
modifications it will fit you perfectly.
Jesus. What the fuck, man?
But,
whilst in the walrus
suit you must be a walrus.
There will be no sound of a human voice.
You must communicate
everything you do
as a walrus.
Do you understand?
Please... Please...
No, no, no.
Be not vexed or heavy
of heart, Mr. Bryton.
We two are embarking on an expedition
not unlike that of the doomed Anastasia.
Their mistake was they look
for the monsters out there.
They shouldn't have left the dock.
The beast has always lied within.
Why?
Why are you doing this?
Why?
Why?
To solve a riddle older than the Sphinx.
To answer the question
which has plagued us
since we first crawled from this Earth
and stood erect in the sun.
Is man, indeed,
a walrus at heart?
Help!
I almost told him, before he left.
Sometimes I forget,
that my life is...
An intricate, delicate web of lies.
And I feel so normal...
So banal.
It feels so amazing to be boring.
And faithful.
And sinless.
I even forget what we're doing to him.
Till I remember what he does to me...
With all those empty women.
And it... Crushes me.
And I hate him.
I hate him.
But I hate myself so much more
for letting any man do this to me.
I'm happy my dad's
not alive to see this.
To see his only little girl
put her life on hold for
some cheating fucking asshole.
And I just wanna fucking die.
But every time he destroys me, you...
You bring me back.
You make me feel beautiful again.
Cherished...
You give me my humanity.
Even though we're stripping it down
every time we're doing this, I...
Honestly...
I don't know how to live without you.
So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes!
Next week, Wanderin' Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip
up to the Great White
North to meet with a star.
I will be staying at home. Per usual.
Doing what, Teddy?
Why don't you film it?
Let's have a real laugh after that tape.
I... I will be taking your
significant other to the Getty
because in her words,
"You don't get art. "
I get art too. Why do you
keep saying that? I get art.
I get it when it's got my face on it.
It's all over the wall. Look at
it. Look at all this. This is art.
Do you think this is art?
It's like a me-seum.
It's not wrong... All over
the walls of this, uh...
Studio.
We sort of created a man
cave/masturbation chamber,
uh, to while away the hours in.
I got to say, I've never jerked
off in here, which is surprising,
'cause I jerk off all the time.
I don't believe you.
Okay, you're right to not to believe me.
Teddy, you are my fucking hero.
You're taking my
girlfriend to the Getty.
Ally and Teddy go to the Getty.
- Aw. - It's adorable.
It's like a children's book.
Yeah. Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
And this is Wallace
Bryton reminding you to...
Join ze Not-See Party!
Clear! Nice!
That was amazing!
I don't know where you
were going with that video
but I'm glad you did
it. It was embarrassing,
but shit, that was fucking funny.
All fucking hail the Not-See Party!
Yeah, everyone except Ally.
Ah... Dude, she just
wants to go with you.
I know. I know!
Teddy, why are you always
defending her? It's so weird.
And I know she wants to come. But
you know, her whole thing is like,
"Wally, why do you have
to do such mean comedy?"
That doesn't even sound like her.
I can't have her around if I'm
gonna get real with this kid.
And I got to get real with
him. This is way too important.
I can't be me if she is there.
I also can't get road-head
if she's there either.
You're a fucking numbskull
to cheat on someone that hot.
Teddy, it has nothing to do with
how hot she is. I know she's hot.
But there's some top shelf
ass out there who listen to us.
I'm not kidding.
Plus you haven't seen these other girls.
I mean don't short change them, okay?
These fan girls, they may be pasty
and a little chunky, but they're...
- They're really sexual. - You
bring shame to the Not-See Party.
I know Ally's hot.
It doesn't take away
from how hot she is.
I'm not married to her. I
know I sound shitty right now.
I can see you judging me.
You going to Ally's now?
Fuck, yeah, I'm going over there now.
I wanna try to break one
off before I fly tomorrow.
So I can get all quiet
and peaceful in the plane,
and I don't cause any
disturbances at the airport.
- It... It's like my Xanax.
- Mmm.
I got to get the white out and
I go to bed, like a little baby.
Fuck.
He hasn't called me in three days.
I have this pain in my stomach. I...
I'm worried.
Ally. Ally, you got to help me.
I swear to God I'm not joking, okay?
I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.
This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something!
He's fucking nuts!
You gotta please come!
Please! Please! Please!
I don't know where he is.
But I'm somewhere in
his weird fucking house.
I'm like two hours from Winnipeg.
I'm so fucking scared.
I'm so scared I'm not
gonna see you again.
I'm sorry I was such an asshole.
I'm so sorry.
He cut off my fucking leg, Ally.
Okay? Please. Okay.
Okay, just get here, okay?
Call the cops.
Ally... Ally, I don't
wanna die in Canada.
I don't wanna die at all.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Okay.
Oh, Teddy, pick up.
I... honestly...
I don't know how to live without you.
So go brush your teeth and
come back to bed, because...
I don't want to sit
here crying all night.
Teddy, it's me! I swear to
God this is no fucking joke.
I'm being held captive.
I'm not kidding, I'm being held captive
by some crazy motherfucker.
He cut off my fucking leg!
Listen to me, you gotta call the cops.
I'm, like... I'm, like,
two hours north of Winnipeg.
I'm somewhere... I'm somewhere
in, like, bumfuck Manitoba.
This guy's name is Howard
Howe, okay? It's Howard Howe.
You gotta call the cops.
Call the cops.
I don't know exactly what happened.
I'm scared shitless, man.
I think he wants to
turn me into, like, a...
What the fuck was that?
Your life as you knew
it is over, Mr. Bryton.
So if you wish to continue living,
you will be a walrus, or
you'll be nothing at all.
This'll fucking help.
Ally. Ally, you've got to help me.
I swear to God I'm not joking, okay?
I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.
This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something.
Teddy.
Ted.
Hey.
Wake up. Wallace. It's Wallace.
- What?
- He's in trouble.
He's in trouble.
What?
Oh, my God, he called you too.
Oh, my God.
Check it.
Well, someone's looking for Wallace!
It must be nice to know that
somebody cares about you that much.
Just what I felt on the
island with Mr. Tusk.
He was the only living thing that
ever had my best interests at heart.
As a child, I was not cared
for so much as I was...
Filed away, like a document.
A document fed into a shredding machine
and fueled by the blood of the innocent.
You see, I am a Duplessis Orphan.
Now, Maurice Duplessis was the
Premier of Quebec in those days.
He was the head of
the Conservative Party
and with strong ties
to the Catholic Church.
As a matter of fact,
it was in collusion with
these charlatans of the Lord
that Duplessis brought upon
Quebec La Grande Noirceur...
"The Great Darkness. "
As a boy of 10,
my mother and father
took me to Montreal.
I had never seen anything
so beautiful and bright
and big and wonderful in my life.
But...
When night falls in Montreal,
the monsters come out to play.
We were walking to dinner, and were
accosted by brigands in a back alley.
My father was stabbed several
times with the mugger's knife.
And my mother's throat was
slashed, as if she were cattle.
I was placed in an abandoned
boys' home in Quebec.
Boys whose lives had been destroyed.
Provinces were responsible
financially for all of the orphanages.
The government was responsible
for the mental institutions.
So Duplessis and the Church, they came
up with a scheme to obtain more money
by reclassifying the orphanages
as mental health-care facilities.
And when nobody raised
their voice in protest,
why, they just shut down the orphanages
and sent all the children,
including me, to insane asylums.
And so for the next five years,
I was beaten,
I was tortured,
I was raped.
I have had things in my mouth that
no human being should ever taste.
They never thought of me as a
person. They just thought to use me.
And use me they did.
Priests, politicians...
All pederasts.
Even the nurses and
nuns and night watchmen.
All of them witches,
all there to satisfy
their most base physical
and financial desires...
Through the rectum and lips of a child.
So with no one to answer
to for their horrid crimes,
these devils ran amuck
with my innocence.
But at age 15, I escaped Canada.
I went to the United States, got
on a boat, and never looked back.
Until now.
Yes...
Man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton.
Better to be a walrus.
Yes, Officer,
it's B-R-Y-T-O-N...
We know he rented a car, but we
don't know exactly where from,
so as soon as we land in Winnipeg,
we're just gonna go to every
rental desk at the airport
and see if anyone recognizes him.
Tell 'em if can't find the agency,
we can find the car
using its GPS system.
Recent pictures? Yes, there are some
recent pictures up on the website.
- It's NotSeeParty. com...
- Spell it, spell it!
Hello? Hello?
They fucking hung up.
"The sun was shining on the sea
"Shining with all his might
"He did his very best to make
"The billows smooth and bright
"And this was odd, because it was
"The middle of the night. "
Oh, now, now, Mr. Tusk. There,
there, there, I understand.
It's so very hard to be...
...the elephant of the deep blue sea.
...Stop, stop. Stop it.
Stop it. Walruses never cry!
Oh, I've missed you, Mr. Tusk.
How I've missed our merry
times together on Ponder Rock.
I've regretted every day my
return to this wretched...
Civilization.
This anxious, silly world,
with all the banality
of a breakfast cereal.
The worst of man has long been
fetid with greed and indifference.
The best of man
has long been lobotomized
by reality television.
I never should have left the wilderness.
I never should have left you.
This writhing nest of
two-legged bipeds...
Wallace!
Each devouring the other to stay alive.
And I betrayed you for what?
Man's world?
An immoral cesspool,
boded with the wayward
and the destitute...
Howard Howe.
You gotta call the cops. Call the cops.
I don't know exactly what happened.
I'm scared shitless, man.
- I think he wants to turn
me into, like, a... Like, a...
- That's it?
- It just ends.
Are you sure he is
not pulling your legs?
Getting up to some good
old American monkeyshines?
That doesn't sound like monkeyshines.
But you say you do
these comedy podcasts.
Could this just be
for grins and giggles?
We do... We do a podcast.
But he wouldn't take something
this far. He's not that kind of guy.
Okay, now stick with me here.
I don't mean to be indelicate,
but could there be some
sort of sexual angle?
A romantic entanglement?
An affair or something?
No. He's not that kind of guy.
Okay. Well, I did some checking,
and we don't have a Howard
Howe anywhere in Manitoba.
Shit!
With regard to your friend,
I asked Border Patrol
if they got a report of
him leaving the country yet.
They say he come into
Winnipeg, and that's it.
Don't you two worry.
I'm gonna issue a
Missing Persons on him,
same as they do in the States.
Thank you.
But I'll tell you, that leg bit...
It sure puts the BM
in the PM's coffee, eh?
That is something.
It's creepy, right?
No, no, it's something.
I had a fella come in here
from Quebec two days ago,
asking about any legless
bodies that might've turned up.
Used to be a cop.
Said he is hunting some
kinda serial killer.
I told him, "Canada doesn't
have any serial killers.
"Unless you count the pothead
"who took out all the Cap'n Crunch
last night at the Eh-2-Zed. "
Anyway...
He gave me his number and he left it.
I'll take it.
Ahoy, matey!
You know, it occurs to me...
...that if you are to
fulfill your destiny...
If you are to be a true walrus...
Well, Mr. Tusk...
A walrus must learn to swim.
Whoa, good!
Now, that's it. Show
me how the fishies swim.
Swim. Now, come on.
Come on, damn you. Swim!
Yes, come on. Swim!
I am Guy Lapointe. That is my name.
Guy Lapointe.
And I spend 20 years as the inspector
of the Surete du Quebec.
And but for the last
10 years of my life,
I have been hunting an animal
who is doing the masquerade as the man.
I have been hunting this Howard Howe.
Howard Howe,
this elusive, uh...
Devil made of the flesh,
this serial killer
who makes the bringing
of the blood and terror
to the true north.
I...
Am very dedicated man
and I have sacrificed my life...
Too many marriages,
any chance at happiness,
and very likely, some may say, my, uh...
sanity.
All in the pursuit of
this butcher of the men.
And because of this...
The solace of the sleep
most of the time eludes me.
But last night, after you call me,
I sleep like the breast-fed baby.
And I wake up this
morning, in the morning,
and I know that, in my
bones, my quarry is close.
And he is so close
that I can almost smell his shit.
Pardon my French.
Who has the Blue Skies with fries?
- Oh, that would be me.
- There you go.
How about the Gimli Slider, no onions?
That would also be me.
And a Mon-Sewer Maurice Milkshake.
That would also be me.
Okay, here are some napkins.
You're gonna need those.
All right. Have a nice flight.
Thank you so much.
Now, I'll tell you something.
They don't have these
back home, you know.
You throw a rock in Quebec City,
and it'll land in a Chez Ashton. But...
Not a single goddamn Gimli Slider.
And that, in my opinion,
is the only failure of the
mighty people of Quebec.
How many people has he killed?
Twenty-three.
And if your friend has been abducted
by the same monster that I am hunting,
it is probably going
to be 24 pretty soon.
His MO is always the same.
A month after the disappearance,
we find pieces of the skinned body.
And the legs are always
amputated at the knees.
Arms are always fused to the body,
like a kind of a crucified T-Rex.
You know, like that.
That's what it looks like.
And always the mouth and the
teeth have been disturbed.
How?
Mmm.
With a very thick, um...
Ah!
What was I saying?
How have they been disturbed?
In every case, the tongues
have been ripped out.
Jesus!
Oh, yes.
It is one fuck of a bummer to
look at, I can tell you that.
Were any of them...
Sexually...
Oh, no, no. He doesn't
touch them like that.
He butchers them.
Amputates limbs, cuts out tongues.
But he don't do nothing
sexy with them, you know.
Never.
The boys on the force nicknamed
this killer "The First Wife,"
because the first wife
doesn't let you talk,
she doesn't let you go anywhere,
and she does not fuck you.
See it's...
And she don't fuck you.
It's... It's funnier if you've
been married a few times.
Maybe we should be
talking to someone else.
Mmm...
I think that that's a very good idea
for you to go and talk to someone else,
Mr. Big Bear Riding a Bulldozer.
Or maybe you could just
ferme your fucking bouche
for one second
and listen to Guy Lapointe.
Hmm?
- Let me tell a story.
- Okay.
I believe that two...
Can you come closer?
Can you come closer?
Closer, you... Can you
come... Can you come closer?
I believe that two years back,
I met this son of a bitch.
Ah, well!
Good afternoon to you,
sir. I am Guy Lapointe.
Surete du Quebec.
Oh! Did you come here about the spider?
Hmm?
I called the police two days ago
because there's a big ol'
spider in my potty hole.
Your "potty hole"?
The shitter!
...Oh, I see.
So you have some sort of creepy
crawler thing in your toilet box?
Yes, he's a big ol' brown recluse.
- Yeah. They call it the hobo spider.
- Oh.
And it's mean. I called the police.
And the lady on the phone said to me,
"Oh, we'll send somebody
out in a few days. "
Well, I have to regret...
Regretfully inform you
that I'm not the man.
I'm not that man who was sent by the
lady who said she was sending someone.
I'm not him.
You're not gonna shoot the spider?
As an inspector of the
Surete du Quebec, er...
I'm actually not authorized
to discharge a weapon...
- ... at a bug.
- Oh.
One of the downsides of the job.
But I come today because
I'm investigating...
Well, a disappearance.
- Oh?
- Yes, sir.
The hockey player, Gregory
Gumtree, from Quebec City.
A lot of people have heard of him.
I have even heard of him once or
twice before all of this happened.
So, many people have heard of him.
Have you heard of him perhaps?
- No.
- No.
No. Well, last month,
he was drafted by the New Nordiques.
Oh, well... Piss on the New Nordiques!
Give me back my old Nordiques.
I...
Do you know something, sir,
I truly respect your, er, passion
for the game of the hockey.
Huh?
So anyway, this hockey
player, Gregory Gumtree...
I guess he'd seen some
sort of advertisement
in a bar bathroom that said,
"We can give you a place to live
"in a living situation
that's not far from here. "
But somewhere between
here and Quebec City,
the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...
- Well, he went missing.
- Oh.
And so I stopped by to see
if maybe you might have heard
or seen something that was
a little out of the ordinary
the other night on that
Monday... Monday night.
Oh, no, not Monday night,
because I'm down at the rink.
I'm down at the ice rink Monday
nights, with the little mites.
Oh, do you coach the hockey mites?
No, no, I'm not the coach. No, no, I'm
just the coach's helper monkey, you know.
On Monday nights, I come
and I pick up the sticks,
and I bring the little ones
water, you know, during the drills,
- and all
that. - Uh-huh.
And then on Monday nights
we go out for poutine.
Have you ever been to
Poutine-ee Weeny, on Rue de Jour?
Poutine really does not agree with me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- My innards...
It creates such a, er...
Poutine gives me just the worst shits.
I'm sorry to be so crass
about it and everything.
By the way, you know, I
didn't even get your name.
Bartholomew Moseeay.
You sure you don't have time
to come in and kill a spider?
You know, I would... I swear
to you that I would help
- in any way that I could...
- Yeah.
I would help, but I'm really
just a lowly homicide detective
and I'm really not paid enough to, er...
To deal with the savage
animals, you know.
You know what I think, Mr. Lapointe?
I think that the real savage animals
are the human beings.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day, sir.
Thank you very much.
In all of the Canada,
there is no record...
Of a man named Bartholomew Moseeay.
There is no local rink,
there is no hockey mites.
And I would also assume that
there is no Poutine-ee Weeny.
But ever since that day,
I've stopped making the
assumptions, you know.
The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...
He was probably in that house, you know.
And I was standing on the porch,
assuming that I was talking
to some harmless simpleton
who spoke funny.
But, um...
But one month later,
we find what is left
of the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.
His torso was blocking up a
sewer pipe outside of Gatineau.
So...
The man-child, Bartholomew Moseeay...
Or Howard Howe, went poof!
Poof! Disappear.
He disappeared.
Do you want to know what my theory is?
The theory that got me excused
from the Surete du Quebec?
Please.
All of the victims
have holes in the mouth.
He cuts off the legs,
he sews the arms...
But he puts something in their
mouths that we don't get to see.
Some of the cops were
saying that the holes
are from the meat hooks,
you know, if they...
They hang up the body, while you use
to rip it up, the flesh and all that.
You know what I mean?
I beg to differ.
- Well, what do you say?
- Ah, well...
The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree,
the boy that I failed to save.
Just like all the rest,
he had missing legs,
missing tongue, missing teeth,
the hole in the roof of the mouth.
But the medical examiner,
he found something...
Inside the hole of his mouth.
It was a tiny piece of the victim's
own tibia bone. No bigger than this.
So why would a piece of his
leg bone be in his mouth?
Oh, I don't know.
So I go to see this mama of the
hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.
And I say to her, "You are the mama
"and you know the
things about the child.
"You feel things that no
police or nobody can feel.
"So, how do you think
your boy was killed?"
And the mama, she's...
She is crying, you know.
And now it is as if she is
like my own mama, you know.
And then the mama, she say to me...
She say to me...
"This man is making a monster.
"This man is making a monster. "
Mr. Tusk...
Why do you blubber so?
Are you really mourning
your loss of humanity?
I don't understand.
Who in the hell would want to be human?
God almighty!
In all my travels,
I've only ever known a
human to be an ocean of shit.
And my vessel lifts...
And is leaking.
I am so very tired, Mr. Tusk.
Battered by a life of cruel fate...
And poor decisions.
And the terrible consequences of both.
The water is wide
And I dare not cross over
Nor have I wings...
Wings to fly
Build me a boat
That can carry two
And both shall row
My love and I
Oh.
You must be terribly hungry by now.
That is a mackerel.
Bon appetit, Monsieur Tusk.
Yes...
Now go to the fish, Mr. Tusk.
Take the mackerel.
Feed.
So this is nice and very
roomy for an economy.
I should have rented
this model, I knew it.
- Did you pre-pay for
the gasoline? - Uh, yeah.
- So where do we go first?
- Now, where?
Where is for wolf.
We look for the which.
As in, which one of you knows
this missing podcaster the best.
I do.
- You do.
- Yeah.
Okay, so on the phone message, it said he
was driving for, like, two hours or something.
So you know him best, you know
what he likes to do when he drives,
because nobody does nothing in a car.
Does he smoke the cigarettes,
does he chew the tobaccos
or toothpicks, does he drink the coffee?
Does he have some other
thing? I don't know.
Me, for example, all I do...
I cannot start the car without
having the double-double
with eight sugars and
just a dash of cream.
So what we really need to do
is discern this podcaster's
ritual while he is driving.
He likes big, goofy
convenience store drinks.
Oh, my God! It's Mr. Mustache.
- Colleen! Hurry up!
- I'm coming.
Oh, my God, what?
No way! It's Mr. Mustache.
"Mr. Mustache"?
No, it's not the room I'm interested
in as much as you, Mr. Howe.
Yeah, tonight would be... That would
be amazing, sir. Yes. Thank you.
All right, where am I going?
Bifrost? Sounds erotic.
Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.
Excuse me, hey!
How's everything over at Degrassi, huh?
You kids still getting
knocked up and shot at?
...What?
Degrassi!
Never mind. Uh, how far
is Bifrost from here?
Bifrost? Shit! That's far.
Yeah, it's about two hours from here.
Oh, God bless you, generous angels.
Yeah, the kids here at
the convenience store
are telling me that it's
about two hours away.
I hate American guys.
You sure that's not gonna be
too late for you, Mr. Howe?
Okay, awesome. Yeah.
What's your address?
Hang on one second, sir. Hang on.
Hey, hey, hey!
Can you get off those for
one second and give me a pen?
Sorry, sir.
Thank you. God bless you.
You guys have pads here, in Canada?
Anything to write on, or
you just write in the air?
Hashtag thanks.
Hey, I'm just gonna go
ahead and write on ya.
Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe. Yeah.
Great. Got it.
And I'm gonna leave right now, so
I'll see you in about two hours.
Good. Okay, bye now.
How much do I owe you?
That's me? That's my mustache?
"Yep! I'm American. How are
things over at Degrassi High?"
"Do you ladies know where
Bifrost is? Uh, duh!"
You guys suck.
So this pad of paper that he
borrowed to write down the address,
I would like for you to give
it to me, please, if you would.
Give him the pad.
You give him the pad.
Give him the pad!
One of you must give me the pad now.
I thank you very much.
Do you have a pencil?
Thank you very much.
You see that?
Wow...
That's amazing.
They did it in The Big Lebowski.
Do you know, that's exactly where
I learned it from. Isn't that weird?
Okay.
Yeah. Isn't this soothing to the soul?
You know, if I close my eyes,
I can almost imagine
me back on Ponder Rock,
I knew peace in this
twisted, hateful world.
I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk.
This is just a poor facsimile
of that magical enclave
where we first became good friends.
Remember?
Until that...
Terrible day.
Man feeds on the meat
and sinew of the helpless.
Until we are all...
...alone.
We survive at all costs.
Only to butcher again.
And again.
Until we ourselves are
at last butchered in turn.
You were not prepared for
me last time, Mr. Tusk.
You were not ready for the fight.
This time it will be different.
Because I have hardened you...
Just to show you...
How cruel man can be.
And if I truly brought
out the walrus in you...
...this time, you just might prevail.
Less than a kilometer
from Mile Marker 9...
- Yeah, the plates match.
- I'm going...
No, no, he's not there. I
promise you he's not there.
But he is close.
So...
We are about to find your friend.
And the dangerous man who took him.
These are guns.
I don't want one.
You don't want a gun?
You take 'em.
What... What kind of American are you?
The kind that has
never used a gun before.
Take the fuckin' gun!
Yes, take the fuckin' gun, please.
I'll take the big one.
Yeah.
Some years back, I was rescued
from the island of Ponder Rock
a mere hour after I had
butchered my sweet savior walrus
in order to live.
I've marked this
occasion for 15 years now
by allowing my flippered friend
the fighting chance he never had.
So...
You will fight me, Mr. Walrus!
Or you will die!
Wallace!
Wallace!
- Wallace!
- Wallace!
So just as I had to
kill you on the rock,
you have a terrible choice to make here.
You have to kill me if you want to live.
And if you live,
you will be as a walrus
that you almost are.
So...
Either you go full walrus...
...Or this!
Oh, what the fuck?
- Wallace! Wallace!
- Wallace!
- Wallace!
- Wallace!
You have lasted longer than the rest.
You'd kill me if you could.
You want to.
Your survival instincts have kicked in.
But so have mine!
Where is it coming from?
- Behind the wall!
- Wallace!
- He's behind the wall!
- Wallace!
- Ally, there's give.
- Stand back!
It is accomplished.
You are my...
Mr. Tusk.
Wallace...
No!
Wallace!
No! No!
No, don't murder him.
Please. Leave him alone.
Stop!
Wallace!
We're here.
It's Ally.
And Teddy.
The treat.
You don't have to hide from us, Wallace.
Wallace!
I can't even remember the last time you
cried while watching Winnie the Pooh.
So I don't cry, I mean, big deal!
I'm also a lot older, remember?
Crying's kind of for babies.
I remember when my grandma died and...
My grandpa was destroyed.
He had tears streaming down his face,
he was holding her picture,
and I was so worried.
I used to say...
What's that?
Don't cry.
And he would say, "No, Juanita. "
"It's good to cry.
"It separates us from the animals.
"It shows you have a soul. "
I love you, Wallace.
Don't ever forget that.
It's all right.
Come on.
Welcome to Smodcast. I'm Kevin Smith.
- I'm Scott Mosier.
- Oh, shit!
All right, so here's the third act.
He then goes and puts on his suit,
you know, made of human skins.
And so you realize
he's done this before.
- Like, I'm not the first lodger
and shit like that. Gotcha.
So he's in it, you're in yours,
and you guys have to have one of
them walrus fights, like on the beach.
Where you slam each other, going...
And we started saying, "Is
man indeed a walrus at heart?"
You ultimately get him and...
But then what has to happen at the end
is that once he makes that switch...
- Yeah.
- ... he can't go back.
Like the clinic for the criminally
insane or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you see, you know,
like, his buddy...
He's got something
wrapped in a newspaper
- and you don't know
what's going on. Yes.
It's a fish. Oh, that's awesome.
And it is... It's like
another walrus enclave.
A better version of where he was.
- Because he realized they can't
reverse the process. No, they can't.
He's gone. Even in his
head, he's gone full walrus.
You're right.
And he throws him the
fish, and then, fuckin'...
The walrus-man scurries over
to it all gross and shit,
and starts biting at it on the ground.
They play, like, some sad piano music.
Roll credits as we pull
back in this overhead,
watching him fuckin' eating
this fish off the ground.
And there's a song that's just like...
Being tender in your heart!
- Is that a real song?
- No!
Like, we need a hashtag for this.
The conversation needs to grow.
Two hashtags.
Walrus yes, walrus no.
Oh, for people who don't want it? Yeah.
Your vote is crucial.
You just had to have the second slider.
You just had to have the second slider.