Twenty Million People (2013) Movie Script

["Nowhere Day" by David Mosey]
["Nowhere Day" by David Mosey]
There was a ripple in the tide
I was the tide
man watching away
I warned Olympic swimmers
You can't outswim
sneaker waves
There was a
breaker in the sand
I was the brakeman
put in charge
I warned Olympic runners
You can't outrun
shooting stars
And when there
is a nowhere day
I'll wrap my arms
around the hours
- [Voiceover] Ryan! Ryan!
- [Voiceover] Cindy! Over here!
- [Voiceover] I'm not leaving.
I decided not to move to London.
- [Voiceover] I didn't think
you were ever coming back.
- [Voiceover] I had to, Ryan.
- [Voiceover] When
that psychic told me
that I would meet the one,
it was your face that
popped in my head.
- But she said it was
your ex-girlfriend.
- What do psychics know anyway?
- Nothing.
Psychics are so
wrong, all the time.
- I've always loved you.
From the moment I met you.
Gotta shut the world down
And breakdown so I can
see what's left of me
Time for me to be alone
Where I feel home
- Okay, thank you all for
coming to the first film
night at The Warehouse.
I promise they won't all
be romantic comedies.
- [Voiceover] Gay!
- Yes, it was gay,
especially when the guy
kissed the girl at the end,
that was gay.
There's a dictionary
behind you, by the way.
- I thought it was very good.
- Did you cry?
- Well, my eyes may have-
- You cried at the
"Future Perfect."
- I'm not afraid to let
a piece of art move me.
- What about you Laura, were
you moved by that piece of art?
- Uh, well, I don't cry
as easily as Edward,
but I thought it was good.
- Yeah, I didn't really dig it.
- But you chose it.
- Yeah, I thought since
it was a low-budget deal
it wouldn't be so cliche
at the end, you know?
- Hi, can I get a
vanilla skim latte?
- Yeah, sure.
That's my thing with
romantic comedies though,
they end where they
should begin, you know?
They're in the
street, making out.
"I've loved you my whole life."
"Oh, me too, Ryan."
Then what?
Where do they go?
Does Ryan have
indigestion and he's like,
"Hey, this has
been a great moment
"but my stomach hurts, can
we go get some Immodium AD?"
It just leads to the usual steps
of a relationship, you know?
They're in love,
everything's great,
and then they get used to
each other, sex is a chore,
they're eating the same
three meals every week
and then two years
later they break up.
Then it's all over Facebook,
they have to take themselves
off Facebook because
it's too painful
to look at pictures
of each other
but then they get back
on Facebook 'cause
it's the only way
you can meet anybody
new these days
'cause nobody asks for a phone
number, it's all Facebook,
and you can just repeat
the cycle with someone new.
Thank you for coming,
sorry if I'm, uh-
- No, thank you.
It was a great film.
- I mean, don't get me
wrong, I liked the movie.
But it's just the fun part
of the story, you know?
What happens afterwards?
- You are a cynical
son of a bitch.
- I'm a realist.
- [Edward] What if
it lasts forever?
- Then they're incredibly
lucky and weird.
- It'll happen for
you one day, Brian.
Then you'll think differently.
- Yeah not everybody
is you dickheads.
- I really want to get my
poetry in front of people.
- I did a web series last year
but it wasn't on the internet.
You have to know about it.
- Is that how it
happened for you guys?
Making out on the street
like the "Future Perfect?"
- Great film, man,
great freaking film.
- I thought so too.
- What was the last film
you liked that much, Jason,
was it "Happy Feet,"
"Happy Feet 2?"
- Yeah, those are good
movies, the "Happy Feets."
And, um, we still
have customers,
this is drinking on the job.
- Yes, it is but how
else do you expect me
to get through this job?
- [laughs] Are you kidding?
In this economy, there
are 25 Mexicans out there
who'd risk their lives
to have your job.
- Well, bring them in here,
I need to practice
my Spanish anyway.
- I'm gonna let
this slide one time,
because it's movie night.
- Thank you so much, Jason.
- No, don't drink the beer.
- I thought you were
letting it slide.
- Up till now, obviously.
Stop drinking.
- Well, I don't know, what
would the Mexicans do?
- The Mexicans
wouldn't be drinking.
- We must know
different Mexicans.
- [laughs] That's racist.
Edward, would you
like to finish this?
- Thank you Jason, yes.
- Jason, hey.
- Hey!
- Thanks for the invite.
- Ashley, this is Brian,
one of my baristas,
and Edward and Laura,
two of our best regulars.
- So you're the guy
who chose the film?
- I thought it would
be less cliche.
- No, it was okay.
A little cheesy at the end.
"Oh, Cindy, it's
always been you!"
Shoot me in the face, right?
- Thank you, you're a genius.
How are you friends with Jason?
- [Voiceover] Excuse me,
your internet connection,
I think it's fucked up.
- All right, one second.
We close in 20 minutes,
then you can have a beer.
- I appreciate it.
- You're a brat.
- No seriously, you're
friends with Jason?
- Oh, Jason's great.
- You're not like,
dating or anything?
- Oh god no, no, no.
- See, that's why
I was confused.
- No, I mean, we went
to college together.
I just moved here to
Jersey City from Brooklyn
and he's showing me around.
- Oh, well, welcome to
beautiful downtown Jersey City.
- Yeah, thank you.
- I think we're
gonna take off, dude.
- Nice film, Brian.
- Yeah, well, the
fat guy was funny.
- They always are.
- You know, you're like the
funny fat guy of our group here.
- That is rude.
- Well you're fat and funny.
- I am not funny.
Come on, dear,
I've been insulted.
- We'll have to show you around.
There's a lot more cool stuff
than just this coffee shop.
- Yeah, I'll stalk
you on Facebook.
- Yeah, there's
also one cool bar.
- One?
Is it a dirty strip club?
- Yes, male strippers though.
- Funny fat guys?
- Yes, exactly.
So what do you, what's
your profession?
- Profession?
I don't even have a job.
- Well, I had to
steal this beer.
- I stole this dress.
- Really?
- Yeah, from a child.
- Uh, I work at a
coffee shop, so.
- I'm a comedian and actor.
- Yeah, I'm a filmmaker.
- Oh, that's why the
impeccable taste in films.
- [Brian] I thought
it would be better!
- No, it was okay, I'm
just fucking with you.
- It wasn't bad.
You wanna hear my
theories on relationships?
- You know I knew there was a
reason why I came out tonight.
- So you have this
initial high, right?
You're in love.
That lasts a few weeks.
["Mythomania" by Cryptacize]
Late at night
When I'm awake
And everyone has gone to sleep
I hear a noise
From far away
It's like nothing
I've ever heard
I asked my brother
What is that sound
That keeps me from sleeping
He said every
time we turn around
Every time we turn around
- [Laura] That's what I'm
saying, things were different
in her generation, people
didn't go to therapy.
- Hey Liz, what are you up to?
- Just re-reading Leviticus.
- Friday night, man.
- I know, I'm such a loser.
Well I had a date
but it ended early.
- Oh, you didn't like him?
- I feel like he just
wanted to sleep with me.
He just kept
staring at my boobs.
I told him I was a
Christian and he thought
I was joking, so.
- Back to Leviticus.
- You know?
I mean, where is my
real life Jesus Christ?
- Probably in the Middle East.
- Yeah, right? [laughs]
- Water.
[faucet running]
- Two people come
together to decide to be
a certain thing.
They say, okay, here's who we
are, here's what we like to do
and if one of them
strays too far from that-
- It's break up city.
- [Brian] Exactly.
- Yeah, I'm just
over the whole thing.
You know my psychic
says when I'm 30,
I'm gonna meet the
man of my dreams.
- I'm sorry, your psychic,
like in that movie?
You're joking, right?
- Yeah, I'm kidding.
Well, I'm kind of kidding.
Ehh, I do have a psychic.
- You have a psychic?
Like people have a therapist
you have a psychic?
- Well no, they're
cheaper and just as valid.
- You're insane.
That's something I found
out about you just now,
you're an insane person.
That's good, let's
get it all out now.
- You pay to talk to
someone, just like therapy.
You've never been?
- No.
- Five years in New York City
and you've never
been to a psychic?
- Absolutely not.
- Oh, we're going.
- No way.
- Yeah, I'm gonna
take you to one.
- I don't want to go.
- Yes, what are you scared of?
- I'm scared that they're
gonna give me a ring
and say you need
to go on a quest
and put this ring in a volcano
or else the world is gonna end.
- You are a dork.
- I'm not a dork
- [Ashley] You are a big fat
dork.
- I'm not fat.
- You know what I fucking hate?
Weddings.
- Me too.
- The horrible DJ,
- [Brian] Yes.
- [Ashley] The old
people laughing
at the crazy kids dancing.
- Yes, if I ever
get married, no DJ.
Maybe a jazz band.
- Oh, my first wedding is
gonna have a grunge cover band.
- What about the
next couple weddings?
- Oh, I figure by that time
it's just off to the courthouse.
- Of course.
See, Ed and Laura say I'm
pessimistic and I'm selfish,
but I don't want to get
married and have kids.
You know why?
- Because you're immature?
- Yes, 'cause I'm immature.
Also because I don't
want to be in my 40's
and have every other
weekend taken up.
[Ashley laughs]
You like that one, don't you?
You can use that in your act.
- Oh, I'm not a total
asshole on stage.
- Fair enough.
- Sorry.
- Your roommate's
nuts, you know that?
- Yep.
Nuts for Jesus.
- I can't wait 'till
we get our own place.
- I miss my nieces so much.
- Yeah.
- I think I want
to move back home.
- Really?
- Yeah, well, I mean.
Wow, I just said that, huh?
- Yeah, you did.
- Well, I mean, I'm
just thinking about it.
- What would that mean for us?
- Well, I don't know.
I mean, you don't want to
move to St. Louis, right?
- Yeah, no, I cannot do that.
- Well, I guess that's why
we need to talk about it.
- So how definite is this?
- It's not definite.
I mean there's this.
- This meaning me.
Well I don't want
to lose you, Laura.
- I don't want to lose you
either, Edward, that's-
- But you want to
leave New York?
- I want to be with my family.
I need that right now.
- And not this.
- I didn't say that.
- Well, marry me, I don't know.
- Yeah, see, those are the
kinds of words that are gonna
come back to haunt us.
- I just asked you to marry me.
- No you didn't.
You just said, "Well, I
don't know, marry me."
- The point was the
"marry me" part.
- It wasn't even in
the form of a question.
I mean, I don't think
we're strong enough.
- We can be stronger.
- I don't think we can.
Do you?
- I guess not.
Fuck, are we breaking up?
- This really sucks, I
wasn't trying to do this-
- Don't do it.
- Well, I don't know
what to do, you-
- It's just, like,
out of nowhere.
[rock music]
I'll be waiting
[laughing]
- So, you gonna see her tonight?
- We're gonna see
each other whenever.
- When do you want to see her?
- She's not looking for a
relationship either, man.
- Ooh, you found someone
as cold and cynical as you?
- Yes, exactly.
- You found your soulmate.
- I found someone
who also doesn't
believe in stupid shit
like soulmates, yeah.
- That's good.
- How can anyone believe
in a soulmate, it's stupid.
'Cause you only have
the people you meet
to choose from, right?
So, say you live
in a small town.
You got like, that guy or
that guy to choose from.
How can that be a soulmate?
And in the greater New
York City area there's
20 million people which
gives us 50 soulmates each,
which negates the whole concept.
- Yeah.
Could I get a refill?
- Yeah, sure.
- Oh, I don't wanna
make a big thing but
Laura and I may have
broken up last night.
- What?
- Yeah, it's not definite.
- What the fuck?
I never would have said that
whole thing about soulmates-
- Yeah, this is why I don't
want to make a big thing.
She's just thinking
about moving back home
to be with her family.
- Are you kidding me?
Ed, that's crazy.
- You know, I get it, family.
- You get it?
Are you not filled
with emotion right now?
I mean, you can let it out.
- Yeah, yeah but you
know, it's not definite.
- Well, where did you leave it?
- She had to go to work.
[phone vibrating]
- That's where you left
it, she went to work?
- We don't have to
talk about it all day.
Let's just go grab that coffee.
Oh, is that your soulmate?
- Yeah, she fucking
loves me, dude.
Sorry.
Turn the channel
black one more
I swore I saw
someone I met before
I shook hands with
that lady on the train
She was laughing in despair
I made it clear I did not care
I did my best to
turn the other way
But she caught me off guard
She called out my name
She stepped toward
me and told me son,
I know you know
about the chosen ones
I can tell it by the
look that's in your eyes
Even though I know I had
I sure as hell couldn't
let her know that
'Cause then I'd
have to finally
Decide
So I told myself she was crazy
So I could live my life
Though I know
that it's not wrong
It doesn't make it right
I would open up if
I could make it up
I would welcome death if
I could know what's next
- So, you just gently
roll it between your thumb
and forefinger and you
hold it up to your ear.
And if it sounds crackly, that
means that it's probably dry
and not good.
It should be moist
enough that there's
just a little squeeze in it.
Oh, and if it smells sweet,
that means it's good.
And sometimes it
can smell, like,
sour and that means that
it's probably moldy.
- [Brian] Wow.
And where do they manufacture
girls like you who know this?
- The fucking awesome factory.
- So is this a good cigar?
- I don't know.
How much do you want to spend?
- Well, he's my brother
but it's his third kid,
so the price has to go down
exponentially, I think.
- Yeah, I think so.
By this point you probably
should just by him a cigarette
or something.
- All right, sit down.
- Why?
- Sit down with it.
- You think I look funny
with a cigar in my mouth.
- No, I think you look
sexy with that cigar-
- Oh, well in that case.
- [Brian] Let me
see you work it.
Yeah!
All right, now like
you're a real tough guy.
You're the head of a very
dangerous crime family.
- Yeah, I'm a real tough guy,
head of a very
dangerous crime family.
Yeah, you walk in here,
asking me a favor?
Why shouldn't I just rip
your kneecaps from your legs,
you dirty son of a bitch?
- [Brian] Yes!
That's good.
You're going to Hollywood, kid,
you're gonna be a big star.
- Yeah, there was one
time I believed that.
- [Brian] So, should
we buy this cigar?
- Yeah, I think we
kind of have to now.
Thank you.
- [Brian] Thanks.
- You have a gigantic head.
- You have a gigantic head.
- You have a gigantic head.
- So how are the tips here?
I don't know if I
trust Jersey people.
- Well, it's not Manhattan
money, but I can walk here.
- The coffee tastes like poop.
- Why did you get
coffee at a bar?
- Um, I'm an addict, a junkie.
I had to give the
kitchen guy a hand job.
- Hey, don't joke, I have
friends who are addicts.
- I have friends
who give hand jobs.
- I said don't joke.
- Hey, I used to do drugs too.
- Oh really?
I never thought you'd be
cool enough to do drugs.
- Oh yeah, all the classics.
- I don't want to get involved
with anyone who does drugs.
- So are we getting involved?
- I said I don't
want to get involved.
- Right, yeah, me neither.
- Yeah, are we really even
talking about this right now?
- We don't have to.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
- You know, that's the
most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me.
- But you are working
at my watering hole now,
so if we stop
talking to each other
one of us is gonna have to go.
- Well, they're putting me
up on their open mic tonight
so I'm like a fixture here.
- Hey, I've been a fixture here.
I kept them in business in 2008.
I haven't taken a
day off in a month.
- From drinking?
- Why are we even
talking about this?
We're gonna last at
least a few more weeks.
- Oh, that's optimistic.
- Plus, you might get fired.
- Why?
- That table's waving at you.
- Excuse me.
- For those of you in
the back, I am standing.
[laughter]
I'm 4'9" on my license.
For some reason really, really
tall guys really dig me.
Which isn't so bad, I have
most of the conversation
to their crotch.
[laughter]
And that is not a
bad thing, ladies.
But last night it did
have its downfall.
I went out on a date
and he was very tall, very sexy.
And the waiter brought
us to our table
and brought him
the wine list and
brought me a placemat
and a box of crayons.
[laughter]
Yeah.
For appetizers we
ordered coconut shrimp
and it ended in an Amber Alert.
[laughter]
Next thing I know Chris Hanson
came in and arrested my date.
[laughter]
- Hey.
You work at The Warehouse.
- Vanilla skim latte.
- Always on the clock.
- I am a workaholic.
- [laughs] Clearly.
I'm Nicole.
- Brian.
That's funny, we see each
other every morning and-
- Are you a comedian?
- No, no, I'm a filmmaker.
- Oh cool.
I'm friends with Marisa,
she's the one with the-
- She's the slutty one.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- Well that's what
her act was about.
- Yeah, she's really funny.
Who are you here to see?
- Ashley, the girl who goes on-
- Oh yeah, the single girl
who goes on all the bad dates.
- Yeah, the single girl.
- Guess she's not so
single after all, huh?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Yeah, right.
Well, see you in the morning.
- Yeah, see you in the morning.
- You brat, I told
you not to come!
- Hey, you were really funny.
- I just need to get
over that hump, you know?
A rebound girl.
- You tired of
rebound jerking off?
- Sounds like an extreme sport.
- Yeah, right, with
bumpers on the walls.
- I haven't had sex with anyone
but Laura in over two years.
I don't remember how you
get girls to sleep with you.
- Ashley, can you get us a
roofies and Coke from the bar?
- Actually, I'm gonna go home.
- Not into date rape humor?
- I just had a weird set,
I want to do some
writing tomorrow.
- Okay, so I'll call you.
- Yeah, I'm gonna be pretty
busy tomorrow though.
- Okay, so I'll call
you the day after.
- Okay, or-
- Or totally not the day after.
- Or I'll call you.
- Okay.
Whichever.
- All right, bye.
- Uh, can I have a kiss, or?
- See you guys.
- Was that just weird?
- Yep.
- You wanna get drunker?
- Yep.
- Okay.
[beep]
- [Voiceover] Hey, it's me.
Did you know that near
my house is a place
that serves beer
and has video games?
Yeah, well, I'd like
to challenge you to a
"Ms. Pac-Man off."
I was thinking maybe
you could "Pac me off"
and I'll "Ms. Pan-Man you off."
[laughs]
Anyway, um,
give me a call back,
I work tomorrow
but then I have the next
couple days off after that.
And, uh, love to hang out.
All right, later.
- I like how it's
not clingy, you know?
I mean, we haven't even
talked in a couple days.
- Is that why you keep
checking your phone?
- Well, I left her a message.
And sent her some
texts and an email
and it's her turn to
contact me, that's all.
- Yeah, I got it, okay.
- Yeah, how are you
holding up, man?
How about you?
- I'm good.
I'm doing better every day.
Thinking about starting
to do T'ai Chi.
- T'ai Chi would be great.
- Yeah, I think it
would be really helpful.
- We should both
start doing T'ai Chi.
- T'ai Chi would be
so awesome right now.
- No, man, that's why I came
here, I haven't seen her.
- I don't know what to tell you.
She was a no-call,
no-show today.
- That's the transient nature
of this whole thing, isn't it?
Easy come, easy go.
- Sorry, what whole thing?
- This, everything, life.
- You all right, man?
- Uh, he just got out
of a relationship.
- Oh shit, sorry.
Yeah, whiskey and porn.
That's how you get
through this, trust me.
- Well I got the
whiskey part down.
- It's whiskey and porn.
That's very, very important.
You need both to
get through this.
- That's actually
pretty brilliant.
- I guess that's my
life now, isn't it?
- I think it has to be.
- Yeah, you know, you're
gonna want to start out
with your average
gangbangs and deep throats
out of the San Fernando Valley.
Eventually you're gonna
want to step it up.
RIght now I'm watching lesbian
yoga videos from France.
I've been single six months.
- That's impressive.
Whiskey and porn.
- Yeah, whiskey and porn.
- Hey Ashley, it's Brian.
You might remember me
from such nights as
"the awesome one we
had last weekend"
or "the time we had sex
eight times in 24 hours."
Anyway, give me a call,
love to see what's going on.
- Sorry, dude.
- That's it?
She just disappears?
Quits her job and
doesn't call me back?
- That's how the ball bounces.
- Not on me, the ball doesn't
bounce on me like that.
I decide where the balls bounce.
- Men have been trying
to bounce their own balls
since the beginning of time.
The physics do not work.
- I don't get it,
everything was going fine.
- You said she didn't want
a relationship, right?
- Yeah, okay, have the decency
to say goodbye at least.
I don't want a
relationship either.
- Maybe she had, like, an
emergency or something.
- Yeah, emergency sex with
some guy with a real job.
- Don't think like that, man.
- What am I supposed to do?
- I wish I could help.
I'm gonna go home
and look at porn.
You wanna come?
- Tempting,
I'm good, thank you.
- You wanted her to be your
girlfriend, didn't you?
- That's not the point.
- Sorry brother.
- What are you so happy about?
It's not gonna work out.
She might just
disappear one day.
- She's not gonna disappear.
- Oh please, help
yourself to a Pinot Noir.
- Did you even watch the movie?
I went through a lot to get her.
- Yeah, it seemed a little
hokey, I'll be honest.
- Well life's a
little hokey, Brian.
You know, you're one of
those guys, you're so clever,
you're always criticizing
everything, trying to be funny.
And that's why you're
sleeping alone tonight
and I'm having sex with her.
- Sup dude.
- Hey Cindy, from the movie.
- I actually have cramps
tonight, Ryan, so-
- There you go,
real life, cramps.
- Yeah, so?
She's still my
girlfriend, you know.
Maybe I'll just get a blow job.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- Whichever, doesn't matter.
- Can we just go to bed?
- Sure honey.
- That's my bedroom.
Fictional assholes.
Fictional assholes.
Jason, hey.
- Brian, you're not on
the schedule today, right?
- No, right.
Listen, have you seen Ashley?
- What do you mean?
- She disappeared,
have you talked to her?
- Not since movie night.
Why, did you hook up
with her or something?
- Yeah, sure, but
now she's gone.
- I didn't say you
could date her.
- No, that's done, that
conversation has expired.
- What if I was trying
to hook up with her?
- Nobody cares what you
think about me dating Ashley
because she's a missing person
now and you don't matter.
- Well, that's rude.
I am a human being,
not just your boss.
- I'm sorry, I'm stressed out.
- If you would have
talked to me sooner
I could've warned you.
She's a man eater.
- Well, that wouldn't have
stopped me, I'm a woman eater.
And not just in a vaginal way.
- You didn't stand a chance.
You should have talked
to me first, bro.
I'm the Wizard of Oz of women.
- Yeah, and the Elmer
Fudd of metaphors.
Can you check and see if
she's on your Facebook?
She may have unfriended me.
- Maybe she moved
back to Brooklyn.
You want me to check or what?
- Brooklyn.
That's the other side
of the fucking universe.
- Well, other side of
Manhattan, actually.
There's only six miles
between you two, you know.
- Yeah, geographically.
- Fucking Brooklyn.
- Fucking Brooklyn, man.
I'm from the sun
Where did you come from
Waited all those years, baby,
Just to see
Summer in Paris
But she died last spring
Venus in fur
Such a travesty
She choked herself in leather
'Cause she couldn't breathe
- What is it with
this neighborhood?
All the guys have ironic
mustaches and bow ties.
I feel like I'm on
the set of "Bonanza."
- Yeah, but the girls
are smoking hot.
Staring at the ceiling
Till it's back in bed
Spend 11 hours
wondering what she said
I'm from the sun
Where did you come from
I'm from the sun
Where did you come from
- I think we need to
start with a comedy angle.
- Excuse me, do you like comedy?
- Really?
Shouldn't you be
in Times Square.
- That didn't work.
- We need an activity.
We're standing around
like counselors
at a weird adult day camp.
- Hey, sorry!
My frisbee.
Hey, my buddy and I are
new to the neighborhood.
Do you know where
the cool coffee shops
or bars are or anything?
- Sorry dude, really stoned.
- Oh, that's cool.
Hey, do you happen to know a
girl named Ashley Williams.
[laughing]
- Totally, man.
- Yeah, definitely.
- You do?
- Yeah.
But the question
is, man, do you?
Do you?
- Thanks man.
Good stuff, really, keep it up.
Probably have PhD's.
- Should we split up
and look for clues?
Fuck, where did we park
the Mystery Machine?
- Yeah, it's good to see you
got your sense of humor back.
Woah, woah, woah.
She has this weird
thing with psychics.
- Just like in the
"Future Perfect."
It's your own romantic comedy.
- Yeah, just don't start
crying or anything.
- We should go in.
- Goddammit Ashley.
So you're Dina?
- It's Russian.
[thud]
Watch your step.
[chewing]
[chewing]
You are looking for something.
- Yes, we are.
- You.
You are searching for something.
For the answer.
- Is that whiskey?
- Is herbal tea from Russia.
- It looks like whiskey.
- It is not whiskey.
- Can I have some?
- I am not allowed to sell
beverages, health department,
you know.
- Can I smell it?
- My tea is irrelevant.
The answer is inside of you.
- How do you know he's
not seeking something?
- We all seek something.
- That's true.
- Do you know
where his thing is?
- Sure, it's inside of him.
- So it's just
generally inside us.
- Maybe.
- What are you seeking?
- We are not here for me.
- I'm looking for a
girl named Ashley.
- I know.
- You didn't know that.
- I told you that.
- You didn't say Ashley.
- I didn't have to.
- Do you know where she is?
- What do I look like, a wizard?
- Do wizards really exist?
- Maybe.
- Let's get back
on topic, Brian.
- They might.
- Do you know any wizards?
- Not personally, no.
- So what is it that I'm
seeking in here specifically?
- The key to finding Ash-ney.
- Ashley.
That does kind of make sense.
- Yeah, it does, actually, yeah.
- You want receipt?
- Uh, yeah, that'd be great.
- Wait here.
- Tax write-off.
Whiskey.
[laughter]
- There's a tall drink of
water here in the front row.
What's your name?
- [Voiceover] Robert.
- Robert, how tall are you?
- [Voiceover] 6'4".
- 6'4"? Come on up here!
Everyone, give Robert
a round of applause,
let's get him up here.
[applause]
And are you single or married?
- I'm single.
- Boxers or briefs.
[laughter]
Where are you from?
- Seattle.
- Do you like long
walks on the beach?
[laughter]
And that's my life, folks,
in a nut sack, so to speak.
Everyone give Robert
a round of applause.
He did a great job.
[applause]
- She might not
be on Facebook but
she's gonna be doing
comedy somewhere and
that's gotta be advertised
on Facebook so I just need to
friend a bunch of
comedians, I think.
- Actually, I think
maybe you should
just give up and move on.
- What, seriously?
- You know, it's been a while.
And she's gone, I'm sorry
if you can't accept it.
- Ed, I can accept it, I
just want an explanation.
- The explanation is
inherent, I think.
- Why are you being an asshole?
- I'm not being an asshole.
I'm just saying, you've
never done this to girls?
- Just disappear?
- Yeah, just kind of fade away,
not have the balls to
actually break up with them?
- [Brian] I mean, maybe-
- Look, it's like a boomerang.
Or it's like that
movie, "Boomerang."
- It is like the movie
"Boomerang," thank you.
Everything is happening
exactly like in "Boomerang."
- The scars of Brian
McGehee do not heal quickly.
You can trust me on
this 'cause I'm friends
with some of those girls.
- Where's all this coming from?
- There's a certain level
of reality you need to face.
You're not in college
anymore, it's not a game.
- Yeah, I know it's not a
game, that's my whole point.
- I think you just
need to deal with it.
- Like you're dealing
with Laura leaving you?
- I don't know.
- Because you're not.
- I am dealing with it.
- You're not really letting
it out though, are you?
- Okay, I don't even
know where you came from.
- Few years ago,
I was in a band.
First year all we did was make
fun of all the other bands
out there.
"Oh look at them, they
sound like Blink 182.
"Oh, look at that guy
with his little tassels
"on his red leather pants.
"What a bunch of
dick suckers," right?
- Yeah, sure.
- Then after a year we stopped
playing, we fizzled out.
Turns out, guys, we
were the dick suckers.
Sometimes late at night
I wake up in a cold sweat
and I go and look in the
bathroom mirror and I go,
"What happened?
"That was my moment,
that was my shot.
"We had the talent,
we had a van."
We were afraid to put
ourself out there.
We were afraid to make
ourself vulnerable.
We were scared that some group
of judgmental dick suckers
was gonna see us one night and
go, "Those guys suck dick."
- True, true.
- Yeah.
- My point is, you gotta be
willing to say how you feel.
And make it stupid.
Don't ever be
afraid to be stupid.
- Okay, well I-
- I got a customer.
- Keep going, make it stupid.
- Okay.
Um, I have a bag
of her stuff still.
- Yeah, yeah, that's stupid.
- It's just sitting
there in my room.
I don't know what to do with it.
It's just like, you know,
some shoes, her sweater,
some papers.
- [Brian] Yeah.
- You know and it, it
like has her smell on it.
I tried to, I tried
to cover it up,
I tried to get rid of it.
I sprayed Axe Body Spray on it.
- That means you
went to the store and
bought Axe Body Spray.
Keep going.
- Yeah, pretty stupid.
- [Brian] Yeah, that's okay.
- I do feel better.
- [Brian] Yeah?
- Yeah, that's-
- [Brian] You feel better?
- Yeah, wow, okay.
- All right, let's
get outta here.
- Okay.
["Blue Tears" by Cryptacize]
Stolen all my energy
A hive without a honeybee
Now I'll never find a way
Yellow fever burns my face
Maybe it will never break
This could be my final day
These blue tears
run down my cheek
Fill my mouth, I cannot speak
Run, run, run down my cheek
- If it's any consolation, I
always thought she was uptight.
- You thought Laura was uptight?
- Oh I see, because
I'm a Christian
I can't think anyone's uptight.
- No, no, no but it's
great to hear something
bad about her.
- I'll mail the stuff.
So you don't have to
look at it anymore.
- Thanks.
- Her bed is still here,
the new roommate's
gonna take it.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, if you wanna
have one last look at it.
- Kinda weird but okay.
- [Ryan] You're
in love with her.
- Oh, that might
be a strong word.
I think you're being
a little dramatic.
- Yeah, you're right I'm sorry.
I would hate to interrupt
your perfectly normal evening
jibber-jabbering about love.
But you know what we can do?
Why don't we just sit
down and continue to enjoy
that movie that you keep
watching over and over
and over again, which is the
only film you've made in what,
two years?
I can't wait to see how it ends.
- You are like the meanest
imaginary friend I could ever-
- [Ryan] I'm a straight shooter.
- Straight shoot
you in the face.
- Shoot you in the face.
- I don't know, maybe you
have some good memories on it.
- Yeah, maybe.
- I live on the other side
of this wall, remember?
- Oh right, sorry.
- Don't be embarrassed.
I should be embarrassed.
- Why?
- I used to wake up
and play with myself
while you were doing it.
- Wow.
- See?
- Yeah no, that's
fine, that's okay.
- I imagined it was me instead.
I want to kiss you right now
but I'm really conflicted
because I'm dedicated
to Jesus and everything.
- I can't compete with Jesus.
- Nobody can.
- Why don't we
forget about Jesus?
- I could never
forget about Jesus.
- We're in a pickle.
I think this is why the
Protestants branched off
in the first place.
- Edward.
- Yep.
- You want to fuck me on
your ex-girlfriend's bed?
- Yep.
- So you broke up with him?
- I need a husband, okay,
I'm not fucking around here.
[rock music]
[rock music]
- Hi, have you been helped yet?
- Nope.
Just a coffee to go.
- Sorry about that, I'll
get that for you right now.
- Fucking men.
[rock music]
[rock music]
[rock music]
[rock music]
[rock music]
- He asks me if he
can have a drum solo.
I'm thinking to myself, this
guy thinks he's John Bonham
or something, I don't know.
Nobody's had a successful
drum solo in at least 30 years
in my opinion.
All I'm trying to do
is make a good record.
- Ashley.
Hey, Ashley.
- [Ashley] Hi, Brian.
- Hi, yeah, I
thought that was you.
- Didn't even see you.
- Yeah I saw you walking and I
was just in the neighborhood.
- Yeah, what are you
doing in Brooklyn?
- Oh some friends of mine are
having a really cool party.
- Cool party.
- Yeah, well, really cool.
- Really cool.
Oh, this is Eric.
- [Brian] Hey.
- Sup bro.
- Right, um...
- Well, it was good to see you.
- Really?
- What?
- I mean that's it?
It was good to see you?
- Well, it's kind of awkward.
- Am I making this awkward?
- Oh god, no, no.
- I feel like I am.
- No.
- Hey dude, my bust if
I'm making this awkward.
- No, no, it's fine, I was just,
I was walking, I saw you...
- Awkward, okay,
listen we gotta bounce,
we got dinner reso's so it
was really nice to meet you.
Guess we'll see you
around the hood.
Sorry if I'm like, argh!
You know what I'm saying, man?
Oh hey.
Uh-huh, hell yeah,
order up the apps.
- I'll call you, okay?
- I don't care.
- Well there you go.
- Well there you go.
- If you need parking, it's
right on over there, okay?
- [Woman] Okay.
- So just come with me.
Great example you're
setting, Brian.
- I think I need a
prescription for marijuana.
I have really bad hangovers.
[woman laughs]
- This is Stephanie.
You're going to be
training her today.
- Sorry for my appearance,
I turned on my shower
and Maker's Mark came out.
- Oh, it's okay, I'm in
college so I'm used to it.
- Okay, so, he'll
give you the tour
and then we'll
talk about coffee?
- Oh yeah, I just gotta
put my hair up real quick.
- And no flirting, okay?
This is a professional
environment.
- Oh come on, you flirt
with me every day.
- Yeah right, no I don't.
- Okay, so I'm
ready for the tour.
- Okay.
Wait, I just need to
put my hair up too.
Um, so, tables, chairs, windows,
and there's a
coffee shop inside.
You good?
- You're very funny.
- I actually might
throw up but maybe not.
I'll be right back.
[crash]
- You know, you're
gonna regret it.
- Oh good, I was hoping the
character from the movie
had a place to brush his teeth.
- You're in love with Ashley.
Taking advantage of
the new girl at work
is not gonna make
you feel any better.
- Oh no, see, that's what
happens in your world.
I realize I'm only
in love with Ashley.
In my world, I get really drunk
and I go down on that girl
out there and I love
every minute of it.
- Whatever you say, dude.
- Ashley left me.
She left the entire
state of New Jersey.
What does it matter what I want?
- Well, if you're not
gonna do anything about it,
then it doesn't matter.
- Yeah, exactly.
'Cause in real life you
don't convince girls
to love you back so
you deal with it.
Suck it up.
- Wow.
I'm glad I don't actually exist,
it sounds like a real drag.
- It is.
- How do I look?
- Fine.
- You gonna throw up?
'Cause if you are,
I'm gonna leave.
- Yeah, I am.
[door closes]
- So, tomorrow there's a
farmers' market in the park
and then my friends are
having a house warming party
so I thought we
could go to that.
Or maybe we could go see
a movie or something,
or we could just hang out here.
Are we gonna smoke any pot or
are we just gonna go to sleep?
Whatever you want to do,
I am super easy going,
you're gonna find out.
I'm from a small town
in upstate New York.
What kind of food do you like?
I love hot dogs,
especially when they're
super loaded, fully loaded!
[dramatic music]
- Turns out she's a total freak.
- That's great, congratulations.
- I feel so dirty.
- Oh come on, you love it.
- Yeah, I do love it,
that's what I'm saying.
It's just been a
rough couple weeks.
Laura moving out of state,
I sleep with her crazy
Christian roommate.
You know, besides
clearly going to hell,
I have the ideal
break up situation.
- That's true, you
are going to hell.
I should probably get to work.
- You all right?
- Um, not really.
- You wanna grab a beer later?
- Actually, I should
probably be alone right now.
You were right.
It is like that
movie, "Boomerang."
Good morning.
- Asshole.
- Is that the new girl?
- Yep.
- You guys used to
date or something?
- Uh, yeah, I dated her
last Thursday night.
- So she's single?
- I'll see you later, man.
- All right.
- All right.
- Brian, can you
come here for a sec.
- She said she was 21.
- What?
- I'm just kidding.
What's up, playa?
- Sit down.
- Okay.
- You've been working
here a long time.
And the customers like
you and I like you and
you're a good guy.
- Great intro to...
- And it's very hard but I'm
going to have to let you go.
- You're gonna have to let
me go from working here?
- I'm very sorry to
have to do this, Brian.
- Because of the new girl?
- What does she have
to do with anything?
- Nothing, that's
what I'm asking.
- Look, Brian,
you've worked here a long time,
you spend most of your
time on the phone,
you drink on the
job, you seem bored.
- Yeah, of course I'm bored.
- Your attitude is
just not up to par.
- It's a coffee shop, Jason.
I have a coffee shop attitude.
- Maybe and I'm taking
things to another level
and I don't think you fit
with what I have planned.
- Okay.
I'll stop being on my phone.
- It's not just about the phone.
- Oh my god, I am
being fired from a job
I'm way too good for.
- You're ridiculous, Brian.
- I'm not the ridiculous one.
- See, this is what I
was hoping to avoid.
- What, you think I'm
gonna get all mad and crazy
because you're firing me from
this stupid bullshit job?
This is a paycheck to me,
Jason, I don't care about it.
- Then why would I not fire you?
- Because you're a tool.
Because you should
be somewhere in Ohio
managing a fucking Applebee's.
Because this is your
life, here, making lattes
for rich assholes and
one day I'm gonna laugh
at this stupid little job I had.
- Okay, man, whatever you say.
- Yeah, it is whatever I say.
Because it's my life and this
was just a stepping stone.
- Well I'm glad we were lucky
enough to fit into the story
of your life, we're so honored.
- Yeah, you should be honored.
- We are, thank you.
- You're fucking welcome.
Stupid, fire me, what
a stupid thing to do.
[lock clicks]
- You're not even giving me
a chance to explain myself.
- [Ashley] It
doesn't matter, Eric.
You want to be with a bunch
of people, that's fine.
- Well, what do you want?
- I'm not 22 anymore.
- We can try not
to see other people
- If we have to try, doesn't
that seem doomed for failure?
- So you don't want to
see me at all anymore
just because we're
not exclusive?
- I gave up a lot
just to come out here
and I don't even know
where this is going.
- Yeah, but we've been
together for like two years.
I know you better than anybody.
- No, we've been together
a year and a half
and everything else
has been shitty.
[lighter clicks]
- Yeah but we have
to let it evolve.
Maybe we can get back
to where we used to be.
It's not easy for
us, we're artists.
I'm trying to be
a rock star, Ash,
what do you want me to do?
- I can't hang on anymore.
- But you know we can't
stay away from each other.
- We haven't really
tried, you know?
- You went all the way
to fucking New Jersey.
- You know, I just think
we need to separate.
- Yeah, but we won't.
- We need to try.
- You know that's
not gonna happen.
- We need to.
I just, I just want to be alone.
- Fine.
I gotta go to work anyway.
- Okay.
I don't know, I guess I'll
see you sometime in the future
or something..
- So does this mean you're
not gonna answer my texts
if I get bored at
the bar tonight?
- No, Eric, I'm not
gonna answer your texts.
- Okay.
Cool.
Till next time then.
[slow clapping]
- That took a lot of balls.
- I need a drink.
- Way ahead of you.
- Why did I think this
time would be different?
- I told you, he's not the one
you're supposed to be with.
- But I have a
real love for him.
- No one says, "I
have a love for you."
Those aren't the words
people say to each other.
I have a love for
a lot of dudes.
That's doesn't mean I'm gonna
put up with their bullshit.
- Well here's to
being alone again.
Except for imaginary friends
from mediocre movies.
- Cheers, bitch.
So, million dollar question.
What about Jersey City?
- I left Jersey City.
- And Brian?
- Just another boy who doesn't
want to be in a relationship.
- You never really
talked about it though.
- That's all we
ever talked about,
how no relationship can
last more than two years.
- [Cindy] You were only
together two weeks.
- Well, what's the difference?
He's not serious about anything.
- Maybe he's ready
for something more.
- Yeah right, not everybody
is like Mr. Perfect over here.
- That's true.
- He said he didn't
care on the street.
I'm not gonna go
chasing after him.
He should be chasing after me.
- Maybe he was.
["Mythomania" by Cryptacize]
Late at night
When I'm awake
And everyone has gone asleep
I hear a noise
From far away
- When I woke up
the next morning,
there was no one to give that
congratulatory high-five to,
so I gave it to myself.
Which I regretted
immediately afterward
because then I had to
explain why I was clapping.
I was like, uh,
"You remember that scene
from 'Independence Day'
"where Bill Pullman
gives that speech?
It just snuck up on me I just
[laughs] had to clap it out."
[laughter]
You guys are doing great so
far, we got a couple more.
Our next one up, oh,
he's a first timer.
This is Brian, Mc, Kee
Hee, Brian Mc-kee-hee.
- McGehee, it's a tough one.
Hi.
I have decided recently that
I don't believe in soulmates.
I am a soulmatheist,
I believe in watching,
I believe in people who
like the same movies as you,
but not a soulmate.
My friends say that I'm
too pessimistic and selfish
to get married and have kids.
Well, maybe they're right, but I
just don't want to be in my 40's
and have every other
weekend taken up.
People with divorced parents
get that joke faster I think.
But the joke's on them, 'cause
their parents are divorced.
Just a couple more.
- [Voiceover] Last call, Brian.
- It's 1:30, last
call's not till 1:45.
- Yeah, there's no one
else here, man, last call.
- That's bullshit.
Stupid fucking Jersey bar.
- All right man, you
know what, we're closed.
This one's on me.
- Woah, woah.
- Get out of here, Brian.
- Chill out, man, chill out.
It's a bar, I need to drink.
- Yeah, time's up, man, go home.
- Yeah, normally bars
stay open till two, man.
I don't know if you
know that or not but,
you're kind of weak.
This is kind of a weak bar
and you're a weak bartender,
I've always thought that.
- Get home safe, Brian.
You big ol' dick sucker.
[slow rock music]
[slow rock music]
- Where's Cindy?
- We broke up.
- I knew it.
- No, I'm just kidding.
We're not real people
so you're an idiot.
- I'm not okay, man, I'm fucking
hungover and miserable and
I don't know, it's not
just Ashley, I mean,
we weren't even really
together, you know?
- You've seen too much
of the other side,
now you can't go back.
- I was happy with
my life before.
- Look at this playground.
All these families and
kids, everything's terrific.
- [Brian] Yeah.
- It's beautiful.
- It's true.
I mean, look at them,
the kids are in heaven,
the parents are totally
alive and happy.
They have it right, man, not me.
- You're welcome for
making you realize that.
I'm feeling a little
underappreciated here.
- Okay, but so what?
Ashley's more cynical than I am.
Not to mention the fact
that she moved to Brooklyn
and is with some guy
and she unfriended me
on fucking Facebook.
- You haven't really
tried, have you?
- To what, win her back?
- No, that's so cliche.
- Then what?
- To tell her how you feel.
You finally believe in something
enough to chase it down.
To put yourself out there.
- Yeah, that's easy
for you to say,
you live in a romantic comedy.
- Yeah, and I get
the girl at the end
and everybody watches it
anyway because, you know what,
in real life most of the
time it doesn't work out
so it's fun to see when it does.
But this, this is real.
You feel that burning
emotion, that fear,
your heart's beating fast,
your hands are shaking.
You don't say anything clever,
you just say, "I
like you, a lot."
And no matter what
happens at least you know
you lived your life
in that moment.
[ambulance siren]
- Yeah, you might be right.
- Why would I be here
if I wasn't right?
- I should probably
stop watching
children in the playground.
- Yeah, you're looking a
little creepy right now.
[mellow rock]
[mellow rock]
- Hey Brian.
- Hey man.
- I don't have
your paycheck yet.
- I'm not here for a paycheck.
- What can I do for you?
- I just want to
say that I'm sorry.
And you were right.
My attitude was shitty
and I think I just,
I worked here a long time
and I was bitter and jaded
'cause, you know,
I'm not really doing
what I wanna do in life.
I took it out on you and
I was a dick.
- You weren't a dick, Brian.
- I was acting like one.
You know, maybe my
time here was up and,
you know, I get that.
- Thanks, man, that's
cool of you to say.
- I'm better than that.
- I know you are.
- I just want you to know that.
- Of course.
I wouldn't be friends
with you if you weren't.
- Cool.
So if I need to put you
down as a reference, I can-
- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
Can I grab an espresso?
- Don't push it, asshole.
Come on inside.
- Jason, some girl left
her phone here last night?
- She leaves her phone
here twice a week,
that forgetful scamp.
- I got it, thanks Stephanie.
- Stephanie, hey, wait, um.
Listen, I'm sorry if
what happened between us
caused you any-
- It's fine, Brian.
- Good.
I am sorry though.
- I just don't know why
you would sleep with me
if you didn't want
to be my boyfriend.
- Seriously?
- I guess you taught
me an important lesson.
- Look, in my world, I'm
not an asshole, okay?
I'm just a guy trying
to figure it out.
- But you took advantage of me.
- Yes, in reality.
But not in the alternate reality
in which I choose to live.
- There's only one
reality, Brian.
- I'm starting to realize that.
So, in reality I was an asshole.
And I'm sorry.
- That's fine.
At least you got fired.
- There you go.
- Okay, well then, I'll
see you around then.
- Okay.
I'm actually going
to get a coffee, so.
- Oh.
- So we'll say
goodbye again later.
- Regular coffee?
- Espresso.
Double actually, if it's okay.
Did they train you
on the machine yet?
[keys rattle]
[door closes]
- You want to feel the energy
going through your arms,
up from the ground,
out into the world.
- That's great, man.
- Yeah, I mean, whiskey and
porn got me through initially,
but you know, I had to move on.
- Have you talked
to Laura at all?
- No, like not at all.
Which is sort of
romantic, in a weird way.
Like, no Facebook, no emails,
it's the way it
should be, you know?
I hope she's doing
well and everything but
I've gotta live my life.
- So you're not Googling her or?
- Oh, I'm Googling the
shit out of her, yeah,
just not every single day now.
- That's good to hear.
- Yeah the T'ai
Chi really helps.
- There's a coffee shop
in TriBeCa that's hiring.
Closer to being a filmmaker,
De Niro probably comes in
for espresso.
- What about Ashley?
You still Googling her?
- I think I'm gonna
text her today.
Maybe she'll answer this time.
- Really?
- Yeah, I wanna talk to
her face to face though.
- Why don't you call her.
- Yeah right, I'm
gonna call her.
I haven't called
anyone since 2005.
- I think you should call her.
- Really?
Do people like that?
- Yeah, calling is the
new talking face to face.
- Okay, yeah, I'll call her.
- What are you gonna say?
- I'm gonna say that I like her.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, I think
that's all I can say.
- [Edward] I like you.
- Yeah.
- Brilliant, simple.
- You know.
I mean she can do whatever she
wants with that information,
probably nothing but
at least I will say,
"I like you."
- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
- All right, get up here.
- Yep, let me join you.
- Let's do some T'ai Chi.
- I'm gonna Chi
all over the place.
- Chi on your face.
- Chi all over your butthole.
- That is very Zen.
- All right, I'm calling
her, don't listen.
- I'm gonna hear
what you're saying.
- You're making
me self-conscious.
- I'm not listening.
- Thank you.
- What?
I can't hear!
- I wasn't prepared
to leave a message.
- Call her back.
- She let it go to voicemail,
she'll think I'm psycho.
- You called and
didn't leave a message?
That's psycho too.
- Like I'm on the window ledge?
One last phone call?
I'm psycho no matter what.
That's it, I'm never
calling anyone again.
Why'd you do that to me?
I'm gonna text her.
- Don't text him, just show up.
- This is real life,
people just don't show up.
What if he has a girlfriend
at the coffee shop?
- At least you took a chance.
- I'm texting him.
- Don't text him.
- Ugh, you're so fucking-
Fine.
I hope you get fat.
- "Hey Ashley, love to meet
up sometime if it's cool."
- That sounds fine, send it.
- It sounds creepy though.
Just out of nowhere.
How about, "Hey
Ashley, how are you?
"I was just thinking about you."
- Ooh, that's creepy.
- It has to have an
exclamation point, you know?
Everything you text has to
have an exclamation point
or it sounds sarcastic.
- "How are you?!"
- "Fun, casual text!"
- "Life is great!"
- "I'm not miserable!"
- "No one you love
is ever gonna die!"
- Yeah, that's good,
I'll send that.
[Edward laughs]
- Oh my god, how did he take it?
- Very poorly, very
embarrassing for him.
- I bet.
- But then he came
back and apologized.
And he apologized
to the new girl too.
- Why did he apologize to her?
- Oh, 'cause he slept with her.
- Okay.
- Yeah, sorry.
- No, I mean, I don't expect-
- Then I slept with her too.
- Jason, you cad.
- What can I say?
- Can't you get in trouble?
Won't you lose your job
if she tells the owner?
- She won't.
We're kind of dating now.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
I'm completely in love with her.
- That's great, congratulations.
- Yeah, it's on the down
low, though, very exciting.
- Great.
- We just had sex
in the bathroom.
- And that's where we stop.
- Just like five minutes ago.
- Yep, wrapping it up.
I got to go.
- [Jason] Really?
- Yeah, I gotta
make a phone call.
- You know, he was hung
up on you pretty hard.
- Yeah?
- Definitely.
You kind of crushed him.
- Okay, "Wondering
what you're up to.
"Would love to grab coffee."
- Sounds good.
- And then we hit send.
- Just do it.
- I am sending it right-
Wait.
- Just do it.
- "Hey, I'm in Jersey City.
"Would love to meet up."
- No, that's weird, why would
you say you're in Jersey City?
- No, she's in Jersey City.
That's from her, just now.
- She just texted you?
- Yeah, she's here.
Huh.
Should I wait a couple
minutes so it's not like
I'm standing here with
the phone in my hand?
- Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, probably.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay now.
- Yes, now.
["There's One Last
Thing" by David Mosey]
We could have stopped
this from happening
It's a little late for that,
sweetheart, don't you think
Don't you think
But there are things
I meant to clear
Things I should have
said to those I hold dear
- Hi, how are you?
- Good, good.
- Good.
- You're in Jersey.
- Yeah, it's weird.
- Yeah, it is.
- [Ashley] Well
it's not that weird.
- [Brian] No, I guess not.
- I mean all you
did was talk about
how you didn't want to
be in a relationship.
- Yeah, at least I
wasn't already in one.
- I wasn't.
- I don't even
know, are you still?
- I just needed to
figure things out.
- I guess we should
have talked about it.
- Yeah, that would
have been smart.
- Yeah, it would have been.
- How was I supposed
to take you seriously
when you were always just-
- I don't, I just,
I don't know, I guess
I wasn't ready to show
how I was feeling.
That might sound stupid.
- I mean, I didn't
know if you liked me
or if you were just having fun.
- No.
Yes, I liked you,
that's what I'm saying.
I still like you,
Ashley, I like you.
A lot.
That's the shaky thing
my hands are doing,
so I think I'm on the right
track with saying that.
Heart's beating
fast and everything.
- I like you a lot too.
- And it really sucked
when you disappeared.
- I know, I'm sorry.
I just didn't want
to drag you through
all my baggage and shit.
- Where is it now?
Are you still seeing
this guy at all?
- No, it's over.
But I'm gonna stay in Brooklyn
because I have a place there
and I gave this one up and-
- Yeah, sure.
- But um, it's not too far away.
- I don't know, over all
those tall buildings there.
- You don't have to
go over the buildings,
you can go under
them now by train.
- Oh right, right, right.
- Yeah.
Well, this has been good.
- Yes, it has.
Um, do you want to get
something to eat or?
- Yeah.
Are you hungry?
- Not really.
- Me neither.
- I wasn't gonna be
able to live with myself
if I didn't do that.
- You can do that, I mean,
we've already had sex
like a million times.
- I know but you never know
if the door is back open
or if it's been shut and you
have to go get the key and-
- Nobody knows what
you're talking about.
- No, not at all.
So do you want to
take a walk, or?
- Yeah, yeah, let's
just take a walk.
- Okay.
- [Ashley] I guess I could eat.
- [Brian] Yeah, me too.
My stomach kind of
hurts right now.
- [Ashley] Do you have to poop?
- [Brian] No, but I
appreciate you checking.
A little inappropriate.
- [Ashley] That's a little much,
just go home at that point.
- [Brian] Right?
I just wanted to
know what disaster
Could make a face
of such beauty frown
Even under sunglasses
So I asked her
what is that you read
She said it's nothing
I shouldn't be
reading the paper
Especially not in wintertime
It's depressing
enough as it is
Without Tuesday's headlines
["Tuesday Happens All
The Time" by David Mosey]
["Tuesday Happens All
The Time" by David Mosey]
["Tuesday Happens All
The Time" by David Mosey]
Julie you didn't
have to get married
We just got to know each other
And Tuesday
happens all the time
Julie why did you
have to get married
I know I don't
look like your father
But Tuesday
happens all the time
But Tuesday
happens all the time
I bought us coffee
Even though we needed a drink
And I told her all about
the planets they found
And how elephants
have funerals
And all the
important things I know
She said that's something
Do you have any good records
I said I have
lots of Phil Spector
She said I love him
Let's get some wine
I'm coming over
I'm coming over
I'm coming over
I'm coming over
Julie, you didn't
have to get married
We just got to
know each other