Two 4 One (2014) Movie Script

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So where am I going?
Ah, king size.
Your problem is
you've only got five inches.
Uh-huh.
Which is actually not a problem.
It just means
that your mattress
is not considered defective
as per
the manufacturer's warranty.
Well, when does it
become a problem?
When you've got, uh,
eight to ten inches.
Oh.
Yeah, you know, four or five
is considered normal.
It's a little
disappointing, I guess,
but it's normal.
Well, what do I do?
It's too mushy.
Well, um...
do you mind if I say something
a little personal?
No.
I think if you stick
to the middle of the bed,
you'll find
it's a lot more firm.
How do you know where I sleep?
Trade secret.
Ladies tend to cling
to the edge,
whereas gentlemen
prefer to lie in the middle.
What other secrets do you know?
I know that, uh, your sag
is pretty significant
on this side.
But, uh...
as I said, if you just
stick to the middle,
you'll find things are...
a lot firmer.
We're just moving a little fast.
There's something that I...
No. Mm-mm.
No, there's something
that I need to tell you.
Can't it wait?
No, it really can't wait.
I don't care if you're married.
Oh, God, no, I'm not married.
Then shut up and fuck me,
Mr. Ten Inches.
Oh... Whoa!
Okay...
Listen...
Hey, buddy, you live here?
You know Melanie?
I think she's in 103?
Nope, no Melanie here.
Yeah, hi, hello.
Um, my name is Adam Bachman.
We've actually spoken before.
But, um...
I'm just,
I'm ready now, so, uh...
Yeah, I would like to schedule
an initial consultation, please.
Yes?
Oh, thank God you answered!
Adam?
It... It's Miriam.
How did you get this number?
Adam, I need you to come over.
I wouldn't ask you if this
wasn't important, okay?
This is a matter of life
or death.
Whose life?
Adam...
"always," right?
You said,
"I'll always be there for you."
You're unbelievable.
That was, uh, before you...
What does commitment
mean to you, Adam?
Commitment?
What part of non-monogamy
involves commitment?
Polyamory.
Okay, whatever.
Can you come over?
I have nobody else.
Thank God you're here.
Thank you, thank you, Adam.
Thank you so much.
Hey, thanks for dressing up.
Oh, God.
I am so fucked right now.
Oh...
I'm running out of time, and...
and I don't know what to do.
What's the emergency?
Come on.
Don't make me drink alone.
Just get to
the fucking point, Miriam.
Okay.
You're pregnant?
No, I wish.
I'm... I'm ovulating.
Oh, ovulating.
Yeah, but I'm trying to...
But Adam, you're
the only one I trust, right?
And you said
that I could call you
no matter what.
No, okay, what about your wife?
Yeah, we didn't end up, um,
getting married in the end.
But look.
Okay, this arrived today,
and I've been
planning for months,
and then suddenly it's here,
and I'm freaking out, so...
Wait, when did
you guys break up?
We didn't.
What, so you're just
going to be, like, what,
non-monogamous friggin' parents?
Polyamorous, Adam.
Okay, it says
"Use this within 24 hours,"
but I think it should be faster,
like, in the first
couple of hours.
And this whole kit
cost 800 bucks,
and if I don't use it today,
then this stuff
is pretty much garbage,
and so I have to use it today,
so I'm kind of fucked right now,
you know, I'm fucked!
Did you get this online?
It's from the Donor
Home Delivery system.
Like "Donor", like souvlaki?
No, no.
No, like sperm, come on.
Okay, wait,
so you're still with Julia?
Correct.
Well, then, why isn't she here
helping you?
Because she left for
a cruise this morning, Adam.
Without you?
She went with her mom.
Two weeks.
But she knows what
you're up to, right?
Yeah... ish.
"Ish"?
Well, I'm working up to it.
Working up to what?
To telling her.
She doesn't exactly like kids.
I mean, she finds them
chaotic and messy
and monosyllabic.
But they're not, right?
They're so adorable,
their little cute little bums
and those little toes
and these adorable...
Miriam!
You... can't have a baby.
Adam...
this is intense for me, okay?
I mean, that biological clock,
that's real,
and I thought it was
some sort of patriarchal plot,
but it's not.
I just...
I need a new life, Adam.
You can't fix
your fucked-up life
by having a baby.
Okay, just stay there.
Just make some lunch
or something,
and I'm going
to go into the bedroom
and just do this, okay?
I just need moral support.
No, you need morals.
Hey!
Wow, that has
some torque to it, hey?
Thought it was too small.
Yeah, well, size doesn't matter.
Oop!
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No! Ah, it's too much!
Oh, oops!
Oh, you're so lucky
there's nothing left in this.
This looks cute.
You look cute.
Very handsome.
You seeing anybody these days?
I'm not having
that conversation with you.
Nobody since me?
Wow.
That's two years, Adam.
That's a long time.
Jesus, Miriam.
You know, you picked
a hell of way to reconnect.
You know, you shouldn't
leave candles unattended.
Can you help me?
Can you get the stuff in there?
Please?
Thank you.
So I guess I'll...
go make that sandwich.
Um...
Customer Service had some advice
on how to increase my chances.
All right.
Are you warmed up yet?
No wait, wait.
I'm having too much fun.
Hold on.
Who's first?
Two years.
You were not built
for celibacy, cowboy.
I'm, uh, not about quantity.
All right.
I guess it's like riding a bike.
Nice.
A high-strung bike.
All right, you've
made your point.
Hey, maybe I should
do a headstand.
Give me the phone,
I'm going to call
Customer Service.
You know, they said that, um,
there was a test done on rats,
and that rats that
are sexually aroused
have more chances
of getting pregnant
than a rat that isn't.
Somebody jerks off rats
for a living?
Stop.
Okay.
Hey!
Hey, Leeland.
It's Miriam.
Hi!
Yeah, okay,
well, it's in there.
Mm-hm, and I'm just wondering
about headstands.
Okay, old wives' tale.
Got it.
Okay, thank you.
Hey, what's that?
That's my engineering ring.
I just took it out.
I think I'm ready.
Yeah, me too.
Uh, hey, Geoff, It's Adam.
Listen, I just got a flat tire,
so I'm... I'm...
I can't make it in today.
Okay, my friend.
I hope you're not thinking
of jumping ship.
Ship?
Adam, there's
a bright future for you
here at Mattress King.
You're part
of the Mattress King family.
I hope you realize that.
Okay, uh, I do.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
There is no bright future
for anyone
at minimum wage, Geoff.
Bye.
All right.
Good luck!
Adam?
Tell me about
this five-year gap.
You've had no experience
in the industry
since graduating?
Shortly after
I hit the job market,
there was a family emergency.
Interesting.
It was pretty all-consuming,
and I didn't want to start
building my career
until I could
focus on it completely.
Especially
since I started school
a bit late.
And you're sure
we've never met before, eh?
Yup.
Uh, tell me about references.
I have great references.
Um, they're not
from the most dynamic employers,
uh, but I graduated
top of my class,
and I won the Governor's Medal.
Huh.
Well...
you'll have to settle
for an intern salary
during the probationary period.
That's fine.
All right.
Welcome aboard.
Glasses?
What? Amazing!
Oh...
And another big day tomorrow.
You're telling me.
Julia's coming home tomorrow.
What?
I guess I'm sleeping
at my place tonight.
Ya think?
But I'm gonna tell her.
Like, I'm ready.
Yeah, and my couch will be ready
for you to sleep on
when she boots you out.
Your couch, come on...
Hey, Adam!
Adam, come join us!
We need one more
to make it even!
Go on.
Hey, Elsbeth,
I've got your order.
Your box of Chardonnay
and your bottle of whiskey.
Oh... Oh, thanks.
I'll just tuck it here.
And I will see you tomorrow.
For your appointment.
You will?
What appointment?
I'm going to take you
to see your doctors.
You are?
Yeah.
And don't worry,
I'm gonna be there early
just like last time.
Oh, don't go to any bother.
No, it's no bother
at all, Elsbeth, okay?
We'll see you tomorrow.
And Meals on Wheels
is coming later on.
They're going to bring you
chicken tonight,
so that'll go nicely
with the Chardonnay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Good morning.
I'm Dr. Sharp,
the consulting physician.
Sit, please.
Okay...
Now, I see you're here
for an S.R.S. referral.
Well...
phalloplasty.
That's a big step, Adam, hmm?
I've been saving up for years.
Um, you know, Adam,
there's no need for you
to pay for this procedure.
MSP will cover it.
Yeah, for five people a year.
True.
Are you in a rush?
It's at least 20,000
for the surgery,
and then don't forget,
you'll be responsible
for any travel costs incurred.
Yeah, I'm not waiting 10 years.
How long have you been
on testosterone?
Four years.
Do you know, very few guys
in your situation
go through with bottom surgery.
You look like a man...
now.
Isn't that enough?
I need to feel complete.
All right, then.
Um, I recommend
the plastic surgeon in Montreal,
Dr. Marchand.
Yeah, he's my first choice.
Let's get this ball rolling.
Did you get
the preliminary tests done?
The blood work?
Oh, yeah, here.
Okay, so you take
a look at this.
It'll give you a sense
of your options
in terms of cost
and functionality
just while I check over
your chart, okay?
Your blood tests must
have gotten mixed up
with somebody else's.
This says you're pregnant.
I'll just sort it out
at reception.
Hold on a minute, all right?
Thanks.
Miriam.
Who's first?
So sorry to keep
you waiting, Adam.
The mistake isn't from our end,
so it must be the lab's,
and I'm sorry to say
I'll have to do the tests again.
But I'll put a rush on...
Are you all right?
I'm so sorry about the delay.
No, you just might not...
You're shaking.
Sit down.
Come on.
What's going on?
You might not need to
do the tests again.
I have a...
a confession.
Oh...
You mean the pregnan...
Really?
Well, that's got to be a first.
Look, I can explain.
No, no, no.
No, there's no need.
Your private life
is your business.
No, it was an accident.
Yeah, it usually is.
No, I...
Okay, I have been kind of AWOL
on the testosterone.
But my shitty job
doesn't have benefits,
and so I thought that, you know,
maybe if I went
a couple of months on
and a couple months off...
I could save money,
and, um...
I just... I was helping a friend.
This was...
It was not meant for me.
You know, the old
toilet-seat-pregnancy-myth
isn't so far-fetched.
Those little guys are potent.
I just... I just turned 40.
How is this possible?
Well, um,
I guess you're just
hyper-fertile.
And making medical history.
I'm sorry, that's not funny.
Well, you've got some
decisions to make now, Adam.
Hey!
Surprise.
I got you a single-single.
I missed you.
What, are you stalking me now?
Yeah.
I thought maybe
we could go have
some breakfast together
or something.
How are you feeling, anyway?
I'm fine.
Did you take the test?
No. I was
waiting for you.
I thought that maybe
we could stop
at the pharmacy before,
or on the way home...
This is insane, Miriam.
How are you going to
raise a child
by yourself?
Well, I'm not going to
raise it by myself, silly.
And besides,
I have a very successful
and lucrative business.
Flexible hours
and child-friendly,
so no problemo!
Exactly!
You know, sometimes I really
question your judgment.
What is it going to be,
every day take-your-child-
to-work-day
at Liquor is Quicker?
Hey...
What happened in there?
Did the doctor say something?
Yeah, I can't do this.
Adam, you're bound
to get cold feet,
I get it.
But you know what,
this child is going to be fine
in our hands.
"Our hands?"
There's no us, Miriam.
There can't be an us.
Of course there's an us.
Come on.
Yeah, what gave you
that impression?
Well, you just spent
two weeks in my bed, Adam...
Okay, you know what,
if you wanted there to be an us,
then you actually
had to talk to me about it,
you know, maybe
consult me on this before you...
Okay, stop it.
Stop it!
You are creating a hostile
womb environment right now.
You need to help me.
You know what,
don't tell me what I need to do!
Holy fuck, Melanie, this is...
Sorry, sorry!
Oh, sorry.
That just slipped out.
Oh, really?
Come on, I've done pretty well.
I haven't called you
Melanie once
since you transitioned, okay?
So ease up.
Honestly, Adam,
that's who you were
in my heart for so long.
And...
I kind of miss the old times!
I don't miss the old times!
I hated the old times!
Well, I'm old times!
So that means you hate me.
I am finally happy.
Really?
Oh, screw you, Miriam!
I want out of your life,
and I want out of your bed!
Adam, wait!
Adam, I said I was sorry.
Look, this has nothing to do
with your transition.
I'm thrilled that
you're finally happy
in your own skin,
but if you ask me...
I didn't ask you.
Okay, but if you ask me,
you were happier before!
You have no idea, do you?
You have no idea
what I went through.
So, tell me!
I have!
Tell me again!
35 years, Miriam.
I spent 35 years
feeling trapped.
It's not exactly easy
to go through
gender reassignment,
while you're going bankrupt,
and then
have your girlfriend dump you
because she doesn't like men!
Don't like men?
What would give you that idea?
That makes no sense.
You dumped me
because you're a lesbian,
and you don't do guys!
As soon as I said
I was transitioning,
it was game over.
No, no, that's you.
You dumped me.
I didn't leave you!
What?
Yeah, you left me.
You don't even remember.
Are you fucking crazy, Miriam?
I know what you did.
You left me
because you didn't want to be
polyamorous anymore.
No.
Yes! Yes,
that was the story.
Yes, I remember!
I was there!
Yes!
God...
No.
And stop following me!
Hey!
The good daughter returns.
How was it?
Oh...
I've got a few more decades
of Karma banked.
Did you miss me?
Terribly.
Aw.
Tell me everything.
How was it?
Did you see any icebergs,
did you see any whales, or...?
Mm, yes, no,
and, um, Mom says hi.
Aw, hi to Mom.
Hey, I was thinking
we could get Thai food tonight
because I didn't
have time to cook.
I've been working really hard.
Uh, sure.
Uh, can we do the one
near my office?
I've got to get
some stuff done tonight.
Okay.
I got this.
All right.
Yeah?
Good morning.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
Fire Marshal,
checking exits and alarms.
Uh, it's just through
the back bedroom window.
Uh, actually it's back here?
I'm sure it is,
but where's Melanie?
What?
I'm looking for
Melanie Turcotte.
Been looking a long time.
Okay, you know what?
Who the fuck are you?
I'm a bailiff.
Bailiff?
You're a douche
who's just been hanging
around my building.
Hey!
Miss Melanie Turcotte
owes a lot of money.
It's my job to find her.
She doesn't live here.
So get the fuck out of my house.
House?
Are you kidding me?
Hey, seriously.
What are you doing
with your life?
Here, just take this, all right?
Look, I'm just trying
to do my job.
Where's she hiding?
Melanie hasn't lived here
for a very long time,
so why don't you just
get the fuck out!
Did you just slap me?
Ow! Fuck!
Asshole!
Take my card
in case you see her.
Ou habitez-vous?
"Ou habitez-vous?"
Moi, j'habite Montral.
"Moi, j'habite ..."
Victoria.
Je vous pr sente mon mari.
"Je vous prsente..."
ma fils.
Come in.
Entrez!
Qu'est qu'on mange-
Bonjour, ma sweet.
Hey.
What's for dinner?
Qu'est-ce que c'est
pour le diner?
Fish tacos with papaya salad.
Nummy.
I don't know
how you're still single
with all that lovely cooking.
It's nothing elaborate.
I'm on a budget.
Are you going out
later this evening?
No.
It's our night.
I never go out on our night.
Oh, yeah, except for
the last two Fridays.
But that's okay,
that's okay.
Were you on a date?
What have you done?
Is it broken?
Oh, no, it's a tiny
little scratch.
I had a tiny accident at work.
With a mattress?
I was being clumsy.
Let me see.
- Please. You're over-reacting...
- You might need stitches.
- Let me pull the band-aid off!
- No, don't touch it!
And now you're
getting into fights.
Your father always wanted a son.
Ton pere toujours dsir...
un fils.
You want some wine?
Uh, no, I'm feeling
a little... off.
I worry about you, sweetie.
Ma chrie.
What's with all the French?
Alzheimer's.
You have Alzheimer's?
No, and I'm not going to.
Learning a new language
is the best way to exercise
your neuroplasticity.
Uh, Mom...
there's something
I want to talk to you about.
Oh yeah?
So, I, um...
I saw Miriam.
Oh, please tell me
you're not getting back together
with her.
No.
No, of course not.
No. God, no.
I was just helping her.
Helping her with what?
You don't even want to know
what she's up to.
I'm sure I wouldn't.
You know, I lived through
all that '70s
sexual revolution business.
Ton pere?
Don't get me started.
It was bullshit then,
and it's bullshit today.
Okay, um...
You won't believe
this, but, uh...
Miriam wants to have a baby.
Are you...
Some women
should have to get a license
before they get pregnant.
Yeah, did you get a license?
That has got nothing
to do with it.
I knew what I was doing.
Regardez.
Voil!
Le proof est dans le pudding.
Right. Perfect.
Hey, hey, qu'est-ce que
c'est se passe, huh?
Um...
This has been a long time.
I got a new job...
at an engineering firm.
As an engineer?
Intern.
That calls for a drink.
I can't keep ducking
Canada Student Loan forever.
But it's a good job.
Good salary,
and some benefits.
And I made the call.
I booked an appointment
with the bankruptcy trustee
for Monday at 9:00.
The new me.
And if you run into
friends from school?
I don't think
that's going to happen.
I switched my focus.
To what?
Seismic retrofitting?
Ooh...
That's definitely
going to happen.
The big one.
Morning, babe.
Good morning.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Check these colours out.
"Banana-fibre-yellow."
That keeps you regular.
Look how warm that is.
Isn't that beautiful?
And very gender-neutral,
which I like.
We're not talking
about this again.
But you know what?
Tick-tock, tick-tock,
tick-tock, tick-tock.
I like my life the way it is.
Okay, but I'm 40, Julia, so...
Right?
Babies are not my thing.
They're loud and expensive.
All the more reason
for you to have a kid.
I mean, you can
afford it, right,
you can afford the summer camps,
and the private schools,
all the fun stuff.
Miriam, I should not
be anyone's mom,
and...
What's that?
And what?
Nothing.
Are you going to drink this?
No.
Okay...
Okay.
Hey. This is Adam.
Leave me a message.
Hey, Adam.
It's me!
Adam, I've been calling you
all day.
Where are you?
I don't want to take this test
by myself.
I want you to be here.
You know? Together.
You should be here.
Adam?
Just pick up the phone!
I mean, where are you?
Pick up.
Pick up!
Look, I don't want to take...
Hey, Adam.
Hey.
Good morning.
Welcome.
Brian, this is
the new guy, Adam.
Hey.
Hey.
This is Brian.
You're going to be
interning under him,
basically shadowing him
for the first couple of days,
and then we'll throw
some real work at you, okay.
All right, make him feel
like one of the guys.
Get him a hat.
Right.
Wow, old-school.
Uh, yeah, I restored it myself.
The engine and everything?
Every nut, every bolt.
Duncan, come meet the new guy.
Hey, what up?
Hey.
How's it going?
You look familiar.
I get that a lot.
Okay, whatever.
Where's your hat, you a-hole?
Ah, for fuck...
Yeah, my wife won't let me
go near one of those bikes.
Women, right?
What if you just tell the truth?
Meaning what?
Tell them, the guys at work.
You gonna keep it
a secret forever?
Mom, are you crazy?
Have you met
any engineers lately?
They're not exactly
the most progressive bunch.
Besides, I like being
one of the guys.
Give people more credit.
20 years ago,
they'd have drawn
and quartered me
by frosh week.
No, you've got to
live in the now.
You're living
in the past, sweetheart.
I'm trying to keep
a low profile, okay?
I just want to keep my job.
Any news from Miriam?
Nothing.
Is she...
I don't know.
All this,
it's really about Miriam,
isn't it?
This? What, this?
This... this becoming
the breadwinner.
Le gagner de pain.
This is about me
becoming the person
that I've always been,
that I finally am.
Oh...
I just...
I just want to protect you.
Did you like being a mother?
What kind of question is that?
In case you haven't noticed,
I am still a mother.
I mean, when I was little,
did you...
I don't know, did you enjoy it?
That's a crazy question.
There is... nothing better.
Nothing.
And you were a holy terror.
I think that you would be
a great parent.
A great father.
I gotta pee.
Again?
I don't know, maybe I should
just go over there and see him.
You know, instead of
calling him all the time.
Face-to-face always
makes an impression.
Yeah. You're right.
For the baby.
That is adorable.
Thank you.
Well, I guess I don't
have to get you to cough.
Can you scootch your bottom
down a bit, please, for me?
Right down, right down, please,
to the end.
Okay, okay.
That's it.
I just want a referral.
Do we really have to do this?
Well, before I refer you,
I just have to know
how far along you are.
I know exactly
how far along I am.
Well, sometimes
you think you know.
Comfy?
No.
So, were you ever planning
on getting the hysterectomy?
Yeah, it was on my to-do list.
Good.
You know, it's just surgery.
A little inconvenient.
And this isn't?
Whoa!
Okay, that's good.
That's enough.
Well, appears everything
is working down there.
Just give me the damn referral.
Give me your phone,
give me your phone!
No, no, sweetie,
not right now, okay?
Hold onto the stroller...
Babe!
Yup?
You home?
Yeah, I'm coming!
Good news!
Babe!
What are you doing?
I'll be right there!
What's up?
Let's celebrate!
Ooh, careful, careful, careful.
What are we celebrating?
As soon as discovery was done,
they offered to settle.
Big settlement.
Wow, good for you.
I nailed it.
Okay, well, don't nail me.
And why not?
Well, because...
Because.
You look great.
Oh...
Did you stop eating wheat again?
Yup, yes, I have
stopped eating wheat.
You look all youthful and glowy.
And I'm not actually
drinking right now.
Well, there's
no wheat in champagne.
No, I'm on a cleanse.
Aw, come on.
Boring.
Yeah, super boring, huh?
Adam!
What...
Mom...
What? What is it?
What's happened?
Sit down.
I have news.
I know. I know.
Je sais.
No, you can't
possibly know this.
If you and Miriam are
destined to be together,
then, bon, c'est la vie.
It's none of my business.
I will stand by you,
no matter what.
Oh, God.
This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to say.
Oh, Adam.
I know Miriam's a handful,
but she's not the Antichrist.
Mom, I'm pregnant.
Are we playing a game?
You're the teenage daughter,
and I'm the mother?
You know, that was the one thing
I never had to worry about
when you were in high school.
Mom, no, really!
I really am pregnant.
It happened
when Miriam was inseminating.
I don't know.
She got sperm from a donor,
and then...
I was supposed to be
helping her,
and I don't know,
I guess I just helped too much.
You know, we were
fooling around,
and we were
sharing... things.
And I didn't think about it
because I have been on hormones,
and I haven't had a period
for three years, okay?
So it's not exactly
a possibility...
Wait. Back up.
Back up.
What do you mean,
sharing... things?
I know, it's not safe, but...
we were sharing toys.
Toys? Like Lego?
Yeah, Mom,
we built a Lego castle...
No, sex toys.
Like...
Oh!
Oh, okay, okay.
No, now I get it.
No, I'm down with this.
You think I don't have
a girl's best friend?
I have several.
What? Mom!
Okay, yeah, I get it.
So you and Miriam
were using the same...
Sperm.
Yeah, Mom.
You're pregnant.
You're having a baby?
And-and Miriam, is she?
I don't know.
Possibly.
She hasn't taken the test yet.
I had given up hope
on ever becoming a grandmother.
What? No, no.
Whoa, Mom!
Mom...
I can't go through with this.
Oh, no, Adam.
No drinking, it's
bad for the baby.
There's no baby!
I'm trying to be a man,
and I was doing
a pretty good job of it until...
this.
You're going to love
being a parent.
Yeah, "parent"
is the operative word,
because...
I can't be a... mother.
Grand-maman.
Ooh, I love the way that sounds.
Oh, that's much better
than "Granny"
or "Gram"
or "Grammy."
Grand-Maman, it's so dignified.
And what is the kid
supposed to call me?
She can call you Dad.
What do I do
when Dad starts to...
I mean, that's
one hell of a beer gut.
Go to a convent
like when I was a girl.
Mom, I have a beard!
So do the nuns.
Oh, God, how will I go to work?
Work from home.
Use Skype.
And, and...
I will babysit everyday.
I promise.
It's just not in the cards.
Men don't have babies.
But...
but... it's a miracle.
I just want it over
as soon as possible.
And Miriam cannot know.
But...
what about Grand-maman?
Mom, I am sorry, but...
I'll get you
a grandchild, I promise.
Just...
not like this.
Hey, Adam.
A bunch of us are heading
over to the Fog Horn
for some beers.
You coming?
Uh, okay.
I got a couple of things
to finish up here,
but it shouldn't take me long.
Yeah, okay, just
don't crap out on us
like you did last week, okay?
Okay.
All work and no play...
Yeah.
That is you out of my life.
Hey, Adam.
Good work
on that proposal this week.
I'm impressed.
- Thanks.
- All right.
The boys have gone for a pint.
You should come.
- All right.
- Okay.
Fuck!
It's still 2-0.
Still?
Nice fruit beer, Bri.
It's a craft beer, idiot.
It's pink, dude.
What's in that, cherries?
It's apricot.
Yeah, exactly.
See this? Stout.
Real man's beer.
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
Cheers.
So, what do you got on
tonight, Adam?
Um...
Doesn't look like
you're married.
You got a girlfriend?
Uh, well...
Maybe?
The wicked world of women.
Yeah.
Is it just ending
or is it just starting?
Actually it ended
a couple of years ago,
but then it recently
started again.
Couldn't take no for an answer.
Yeah, it's kind of complicated.
You still into her?
Yeah.
I mean, it's just...
it's just complicated.
Nah, women,
they don't have to
be complicated, okay?
It's simple.
They're either with you
or they're against you.
What's so complicated?
Uh, well...
She's pregnant.
Hey!
- Whoa!
- Oh.
That's great.
Nice work.
Boys can swim!
Well done.
Listen, I'm gonna
get us another round.
No fruit beer for this guy.
I sense the, uh,
complications run deeper.
God, you can't even imagine.
You, uh, you doing
the right thing?
Is she keeping it?
Oh, yeah, yeah, she wants it.
She's... It's...
So you planned it, then.
Well...
she planned it?
A-ha, yeah, that is tricky.
Yeah.
Adam, you're up.
Don't even try to win.
Here we go.
Miriam?
Hey.
You're 100% stalking me!
I'm not wearing any underwear.
What?
I'm not wearing any underwear!
Great, take out a billboard.
Hold this.
What?
Okay, give me your hand.
Oh, God, what are you doing?
I need your help with this.
Okay.
Give it.
I need two minutes.
For what? Oh, God!
Two minutes
to tell you I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry
I put you through hell.
I'm sorry that I've been
a real drama queen.
You don't deserve any of this.
All right, that'll do it.
What?
Okay.
And I'm sorry...
I'm sorry that I asked you
to help me get pregnant,
and I never told you the truth.
So, what,
the whole turkey baster party
was your way of trying
to get back together with me?
Basically.
How very romantic, Mir.
Adam, I don't care
if you're a man or a woman,
or somewhere in between.
I just care about you.
All I can see
is what's inside you.
And what about polyamory?
No, I want to commit to you.
Just you
and our family.
How much longer does this take?
50 seconds!
I want it all.
All the chaos and the messiness.
I want the banal
and the beautiful.
I want the family vacations
and the training wheels...
It's push-bikes.
What?
Nobody uses
training wheels anymore.
It's all about push-bikes.
Okay, then that's what I want.
I want the push-bikes, Adam.
Still nothing.
10 seconds left!
Hey...
you and I both know
that we should be together.
Oh, it's two lines.
What is two lines?
What's two lines?
It means
that we're having a baby.
Congratulations, Miriam!
Wow.
Bonjour!
Mom.
Oh, sweetie,
how are you feeling?
Yeah, I-I can't...
I-I'm a friggin'
hormonal roller coaster.
Okay, okay, I think it's time to
make the appointment.
Sweetie?
How does anybody do this?
I feel psychotic.
Yeah, I remember.
Sort of, vaguely.
But women do it
all the time, you know,
every minute of every day.
What?
Not like this, they don't.
Yeah, well,
not quite like this, no.
Oh, my gosh, these are cute.
Oh, yes, they are.
Right?
Oh, and we need
one of these, for sure.
Locally made.
Oh, nice!
Okay, so I want to make sure
this registry has only organic
and natural toys.
Nothing plastic, right?
Not a problem.
We carry the finest
wooden toys here
with non-toxic paint.
Fair trade.
Great.
Okay, here we go.
Mm-hm...
Mm-hm.
Is there another name
I can put on the registry?
No.
There's no father.
Mm-hm.
Okay,
and when would you like this
to go live on the website?
We recommend six weeks
before any shower.
You've got lots of time.
Right, I'm hoping to get it up
as soon as possible,
just 'cause
I want to have my baby shower,
like, next month, so...
Your own shower?
Yeah.
You really should wait
till your last trimester
before having any shower.
Well, my friends
aren't that organized, so...
Just go.
All right.
Okay, that was the easy part.
But tomorrow,
I have a 1:00, 1:30,
and a 4:45.
Okay, yeah.
Perfect.
See you then.
Hi there.
Good morning.
Yes, we're here an 8:00 a.m.
appointment for Melanie.
Right. Okay.
Take a seat.
Thank you.
Thanks, Mom.
For what?
Being here.
Melanie? Room 2.
Melanie?
Is it that way?
Hello.
I'm Dr. Beck.
Hi.
I'm not sure how
I can help you, um...
Melanie?
Oh, uh...
Um... it's me.
It's...
I go by Adam.
Adam.
Okay.
Adam.
Any luck?
Couldn't find anything.
Let me try.
You can jump down.
We can get you in
relatively quickly,
end of the week if you want,
but, sadly, this
won't be covered
by the Medical Services Plan.
- What?
- Why?
There's no code in the software
that matches your gender
to this procedure,
no loophole that I can find,
and all your current
legal documentation
says you're a man.
I called the Health Authority,
and they weren't at all helpful.
Seems pretty cut and dry.
Men don't get pregnant,
according to them.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Well, fine.
Fair enough.
How much?
Well, again,
it's technically
an elective procedure,
like cosmetic surgery,
so the price is somewhat higher.
It's up to $2,700.
What?
Jesus, that's more
than we paid for the sperm!
Sorry, you paid for...
It was artificial insemination.
Not for me, for my girlfriend.
Not me. I'm not
his girlfriend.
I'm his mother.
Okay, thank you!
They're all long stories
in this office.
Do you take credit cards?
Absolutely.
I don't have a credit card.
I have a credit card.
Well, we're not using it.
What about a payment plan?
I'm sure you'll...
pull something together.
Hmm?
But Adam, you need
to act quickly.
At this facility,
we only do the procedure
in the first seven weeks.
Well, so, um,
how long do I have?
One week.
Two at the extreme outside.
Beyond that, the red tape
would be prohibitive.
Especially
in, uh, your condition.
Let me take an advance
out on my credit card.
You pay me back when you can.
It'll be really fast
'cause you have a job now.
Yeah, but the trustee
takes out a huge chunk
each month.
Okay, well, then,
you have two options.
Either take my help,
or go live God-knows-where
for the next six months.
Look, you know I have
some cash saved up.
Oh, no, no, that's not right.
That's for your operation.
Ce n'est pas...
right.
Well...
Look, I've been thinking.
You have to tell Miriam.
Uh, no...
She's kind of like the father.
Mom!
No, no, no, no, no,
it was her plan.
Yeah, so says the feminist.
That's got nothing
to do with it.
If Miriam is pregnant,
these children are siblings.
They're almost like twins.
They're not even children.
They're just potential.
You're not being fair.
Don't talk to me about fair.
Hi, Fran.
Miriam.
Adam's not here, I'm afraid.
Yeah, I was actually
hoping to talk to you.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Come in?
Tea.
I just... I want to
make things right, Fran.
Okay.
Okay.
So, I know that
I've behaved badly,
and I just want you to know
that things are going to be
different from now on.
Is this a rehearsal?
'Cause, you know,
it's really not me
that you should be telling.
Just... One, uh...
Would you like a glass of wine?
No.
- Okay, so this is happening?
- Yeah.
- The baby?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So, keep rehearsing.
You're doing very well,
by the way.
Okay, um...
I behaved badly,
and I want you to know
that things are going
to be different from now on.
I want your blessing.
My... My...
Aren't you the man.
Did you bring a ring, too?
I have something for you.
Wait right there.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Just one second!
Mm-hm.
Ah, here we are.
Here we go.
Wow!
Oh, um...
Wow, that's...
Wow.
Well, you never know.
You might have a girl.
Right.
Oh!
What?
Nothing, it's just
like a weird, like a...
What?
Oh, all right, all right...
Oh, God!
- I'm calling an ambulance.
- No, no, no, no!
Call Adam!
All right, I'm calling Adam.
Breathe.
Oh, God, Fran!
Okay, just breathe, okay?
It's like I'm being
punished, Adam.
Maybe I should start praying.
I always try everything once.
You don't even
believe in God, Miriam.
I believed in us,
and look where that got me.
Go! Go!
Adam...
Adam, sit down.
Just-just... No, just...
Uh, you can see her now.
Sorry.
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Miriam, are you okay?
Oh, my God, babe, what happened?
I'm so sorry, Julia.
I'm sorry.
It's okay,
I just want to know
you're gonna be all right.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Okay.
So, what happened to you?
What?
She had a miscarriage.
Okay...
What the fuck is going on?
Julia, you don't recognize me?
No, I don't.
And you're the father?
Wow, you really don't
recognize me,
do you?
Holy shit.
Yeah.
Wow. Melanie?
It's Adam now.
You, um...
Uh...
That was fast.
So...
how did you get pregnant?
Why don't I give you guys
some, uh, privacy.
Yeah.
Thanks, Mom.
For what?
For being here.
If you're willing
to go to this extreme,
then obviously
it's something you really want.
Yeah, but what do I do now?
You'll find a way.
Jeez...
What are you going to do now?
I don't know.
You stay at the house
as long as you need.
Hey.
I made your favourite breakfast.
No.
Come on, Miriam,
it's a nice day.
No.
What do you say, after you eat,
we'll go out for
a walk or something?
No.
No, Adam, it's too soon.
You know the sooner
you start moving around,
the sooner you'll
start to feel better.
I don't want to feel better.
I failed this child, Adam.
You know, this is my fault.
It was my responsibility,
and I created a hostile
womb environment.
No kid could survive in that.
Well, we'll just try again.
No.
We'll wait till you're ready
and then try again.
No, I can't
go through that again.
I don't want to lose
another baby.
You were right.
I wasn't supposed
to be a mother.
This is just the proof.
Hey...
I think you should have a child.
You do, huh?
Mm-hm.
Do you think I should
have a child with you?
Yeah.
Yeah?
You know, whenever you're ready.
Right.
So, when do you think
you'll be ready?
I don't know, I mean,
maybe we can adopt
or something, but...
right now,
I just need more time.
Uh...
think eight months
might be enough time?
I don't know.
I mean, eight months,
nine months, ten months.
No, it's eight months.
God...
Why is that funny to you?
It's...
I like seeing you happy, though.
Yeah?
Yeah, this looks good on you.
To Friday Rye-Day!
There you go.
There it is.
There it is, right there.
Soda water?
Adam, what the hell, man?
Your beer's getting warm.
Yeah, I'm just not really
drinking right now.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me
your girlfriend's got you
on one of these fucking
no carb bullshit things.
No, no.
Carbs are fine.
I just, um,
I'm just not, uh, drinking.
Oh, if you're on the wagon,
you know, we're behind you.
Ah, yeah. Thanks.
Um, no, uh...
Listen, there's something
I need to tell you guys.
Sorry, um...
Okay, so I used to be Melanie.
Uh...
Right, I was born Melanie,
and then, uh,
four years ago, I switched.
And now, now I'm Adam.
So there you go.
I'm, uh, transgendered.
So...
that's like...
bisexual or...
whatever?
Shut up, you moron.
What?
Google it.
Just stop acting
like such a fool.
I don't know!
No, no, no, it's good.
Um, I... no, I like women.
I've always, always liked women.
Okay. Cool.
Uh, and I should say...
Oh, God, one more thing...
Aw, don't tell
me you're a vegan.
Yup, that's it...
No, not a vegan.
Actually, we went
to school together.
What, like grade school?
Mm, nope.
University.
Naw.
No, no, no, man.
I would've remembered that.
Do you remember...
Melanie?
Well, yeah, I remember Melan...
Fuck!
Did I hit on you?
Fuck.
Yeah, yeah, shut up.
Fuck you guys.
I remembered you.
What?
How?
Well, U-VAN is my alma mater.
I'm on the board
of governors there.
I was the guy
to hand out the medal that year.
Convocation.
So you always...
you always knew?
Well, there's only so many girls
in the engineering department.
And even fewer win
the Governor's Medal.
I guess so.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Whoa, breakaway, breakaway!
Yeah, go!
Go! Skate!
Yeah!
Nice.
Told you guys.
We had this.
Who else knows?
Just my mom.
And everyone at work.
Are you insane?
I thought you wanted
to keep this job.
Come on, Mir,
you've got to
give people more credit.
Me?
What has gotten into you?
Okay.
Adam, come on,
you can't do this.
Do what?
This.
Come on, I mean,
it's taken you this long
to become a man.
You can't be pregnant.
I just hope you still
want to be with me
even without a baby.
Hey.
We're having a baby.
There's no discussion.
I cannot ask you to do that.
It's not fair.
You're not asking me.
I am telling you.
Really?
Really.
Wow.