Ugly Dachshund, The (1966) Movie Script

[Fanfare plays]
[Up-tempo music plays]
[Rooster crows]
7-8-9, uh... 7-8-9...
Fran, I'm calling the doctor.
Everything all right?
FRAN: Yes, dear,
but we'd better hurry.
Yeah, all right, honey,
just remain calm.
DR. PRUITT: Hello?
- Hello? Yeah, Doc...
- Hello? Who's calling?
Hang on just one second.
DR. PRUITT:
Hello? Hello? Who is this?
Doc, it's Mark Garrison.
- I hate to wake you up but...
- Is she feeling any pain?
Yeah, it's starting. She thinks
it'll be pretty soon now.
DR. PRUITT: I think
you'd better get over here.
We're on our way, Doc.
Thanks.
DR. PRUITT: Bye, Mark.
Hey, honey,
I got Doc Pruitt.
I'm gonna bring the car
around front.
FRAN: All right, dear.
Morning, Mr. Garrison.
You're up pretty...
[Engine revs, tires squeal]
...early.
[Tires squeal]
Take it easy, now...
steady.
I'll get the door for you,
Mr. Garrison.
No, I got it.
So this is the morning,
huh, Mrs. Garrison?
Don't worry about a thing,
Mrs. Garrison.
Just let me know when
you want to hike your order.
[Tires squealing]
You're not worried,
are you, honey?
No, but I wish
we were there.
Yeah...
[Engine revs]
Only a couple minutes
more now, honey.
[Siren wails]
Oh, boy.
That's just great.
Mark, we can't stop now.
Yeah...
The hospital!
[Siren wails]
Well, now,
that's what I call service.
[Tires squeal]
Okay, on the ball!
We got a special delivery.
All right, let's get going!
Come on, go get a stretcher.
Well, how do you like that?
[Engine revs]
Be careful, sweetheart.
All right, what's the big i...
Oh, Officer,
I can't thank you enough.
We never would have made it
in time without you.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Officer.
Oh, Dr. Pruitt!
Now, now, everything's
going to be all right.
Don't worry. I'll take her.
[Door closes]
- A dog?
- [Whistles]
Well, yeah. Yeah.
I thought you knew, Officer.
You see, this is the first time
my wife's had pups.
I mean, the dog has had pups,
and I... she gets...
[Both laugh]
- Well, how do you like that?
- Yeah, yeah.
[Laughter continues]
Boy, wait till the boys hear
about this one.
[Laughing]
A dog. [Laughs]
I certainly appreciate
everything you've done, Officer.
My wife was pretty nervous.
You know how women get
at a time like this.
Yeah, don't they always?
Yeah. Couldn't see it myself...
coming to the hospital and all.
Way I remember it,
dogs were, uh...
they had their puppies
at home in a...
in a basket or a closet.
Yeah, mine had hers
in a bureau drawer...
right in my shirts.
- Is that a fact? [Chuckles]
- Yeah.
How about that?
Thanks for your trouble,
Officer.
No trouble at all.
Now, just a minute here, now.
Let's see what we got here.
We got 60 in a 35...
- Now, wait a minute, I don't...
...crossing a center line...
- I followed it around, honest.
...running a boulevard stop...
I did stop! I did, I did!
No, sir, you only slowed down.
We got doing 50 miles an hour
in a hospital zone.
Well, I'm sure I wasn't doing
any more than, uh, 40.
- 40?
- Yeah.
Okay.
40 miles per hour
in a 25-mile zone.
Do you have
a driver's license, sir?
- Oh...
- [Laughs]
- Left it home.
- Yeah.
It's understandable
in an emergency like this.
By golly, a fellow
gets up in the morning,
puts the first clothes on he can
find, never checks his pockets.
- [Laughs] Happens every time.
- Mm-hmm.
No operator's license.
This your car, sir?
Well, of course it's my car.
What's your name, sir?
Mark Garrison.
Your address?
336 North Bowling Green Drive.
- Your business address?
- The same.
I work at home.
I'm an artist.
Engine number?
Engine number?!
Now, why in the world
would I know the engine number?
Okay, it's your car.
I'll take your word for it.
- [Chuckles]
- [Sarcastically] Thanks.
Sign here, please.
[Laughs]
You forget something, maybe?
"No... parking."
I'd move the car,
Mr. Garrison. [Laughs]
FRAN: Oh, wonderful, Doctor!
Mark! Mark, we made it
just in time!
Danke had a puppy.
Oh, that's great, honey.
That's just great.
[Motorcycle engine
turns over]
FRAN: Bye!
Oh, wasn't he sweet?
You know, Mark,
policemen must have
a benevolent fund or something.
Couldn't we give a donation?
I'm giving, honey.
Believe me, I'm giving.
Mrs. Garrison? Two more...
I think that'll be all.
Mark, three puppies...
I can't wait to see them!
I'll be in as soon
as I move the car.
- When can we take them home?
- Tomorrow.
That'll give the pups a chance
to get a good start.
All right.
- Hey, Doc?
- Hmm?
Those three puppies...
all females, right?
Yeah, right.
My luck's holding.
[Car door closes]
[Engine turns over]
Gertrude.
Gertrude Van Dankelein.
[Clicks tongue] Ugh.
Martha Van Dankelein...
You call me, honey?
Oh, no, I'm just trying to think
of names for the puppies.
What's the hurry?
They have to be registered
so they can get their papers.
You can't begin
to get them in shows
until you get their papers.
And you laughed
when Jim Carstairs
enrolled his son at Yale
the day after he was born.
Winifred Van Dankelein...
Erma...
- [Yawns]
- Matilde.
[Sighs] It's been
a long day, honey.
I mean, a very long day.
Hildagarde, Dagmar,
Ermentrude.
Good night, love.
Huh? Oh, good night, honey.
[Sighs]
Mark... what do you think
of these...
Freda, Esmerelda, Ludmila?
Fran...
Daphne, Dora, Diana?
Frances...
Yes, dear.
Isolda, Alberta, Brunhilda?
Heidi? Clotilde? Wilhelmina?
Don't question it, Doc.
I want to get
some sleep tonight.
Huh? Get... oh, yeah,
I get it. [Laughs]
Are the pups ready?
Yeah, I'll get them for you
in a minute.
There's one thing
I've got to do first.
- All right, no hurry.
- [Laughing]
Clotilde... oh, my, my.
[Barking, yipping]
Quiet, quiet.
Yeah...
Okay, girl.
Great Dane, huh?
Uh-huh.
[Muffled grunting]
Easy now, easy now, fella.
Easy now.
Easy now, little fella.
Easy now. I got you.
I've got you.
That's my idea
of a real dog.
Ah, the greatest.
And Duchess there
is the best Dane
I've ever owned.
- She's yours, huh?
- Uh-huh, she sure is.
Just between
the two of us, Doc,
I'd give my back teeth
to have a dog like that.
Okay, all right, all right.
- [Yipping]
- All right, don't get excited.
I'm getting to you.
Okay, all right,
take it easy, take it easy.
Yeah. All right.
All right.
All right, come on, now.
Come on, come on.
What's the matter
with this one?
Oh, nothing yet, nothing yet.
[Chuckles]
Looks like he's not hungry.
Oh, he's hungry, all right.
He's just not taking
to the formula, that's all.
All right, come on.
Why don't you put him
back with his mother?
No, no, that wouldn't work.
Why not?
Well, it's a case of too much
litter and too little milk.
Duchess just picked him out
and pushed him away.
Pushed him away?
Her own pup?
Well, they do that sometimes.
It's funny, the tricks
nature plays, huh?
[Chuckles]
Now, you take that dachsie
of yours, Danke.
- Oh, she's got too much milk.
- Yeah.
Why, she could feed
her three pups and...
Say...
- Uh, oh, no, no, Doc.
- Oh, well, now...
just so the dachsie
could wet-nurse him?
Mnh-mnh, not interested, sorry.
Oh, no, wait,
don't get me wrong, now.
I'm not trying to sell him.
I'd be glad to give him away
just to keep him alive.
No, no, absolutely not, Doc.
Mnh-mnh.
Well, I guess you're right.
No place for a Great Dane
with a family that likes
dachsies, anyway, huh?
Here, see what
you can do with him.
- Well, d...
- I'll go get your pups.
- [Barking softly]
- Oh, well, okay.
One drop at a time.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Well, now, wait, wait.
Hold on, there, fella.
Hold on, there.
Come here, come here.
Here.
Hey, come on,
take some of this, now.
Come on, now, get it down.
That's one.
[Horn honking]
Oh, Mark, I thought
you'd never get here!
Fran, wait just a minute.
Oh, Danke, I bet you're glad
to be home again, huh?
Look, Fran, there's something
I have to tell you.
Oh, my three little darlings...
- [Barking softly]
- Danke!
- Mark, she had another puppy.
- [Chuckles]
- Well, yes, sort of.
- Why didn't Doc Pruitt call us?
Uh, well, he...
honey, this dog here...
Oh, isn't she funny-looking?
She's a he.
What do you mean,
funny-looking?
- Well, different...
- Well, yeah, it's different.
But, well, I guess it's because
he was born later, huh?
Mark, it's getting too chilly
for the puppies out here.
Why don't you bring them in?
I'll warm some milk for Danke.
Fran, honey,
I have to tell you this...
You know, Mark, you really ought
to be nicer to Danke now.
- Why?
- For having a boy puppy.
He's what you always wanted,
isn't he?
Yeah... he sure is.
Come on in, fella.
Dinner's ready.
Rover...
Prince...
Butch! Come here, Butch!
Come here, fella!
[Dogs barking softly]
Hi, how are things
in the nursery?
Fine.
Good, good.
Mark, do you think
that puppy's all right?
Which one?
The male.
Something seems wrong to me.
Well, what's the matter
with him?
Haven't you noticed
his head and his feet
are all out of proportion?
Mark, he is positively ugly.
Well, I... I wouldn't say
that he was ugly.
Well, I suppose he'll change
when he grows up.
Oh, yeah, yeah, he...
he'll change, dear,
he certainly will.
Hey, what do you think
it should be?
What do I think
what should be?
His name.
We gotta have a name for him.
Oh, I don't know.
You pick it. I've run dry.
Yeah, okay. How about, um...
But, Mark, nothing like, um,
Sport or Butch or Rover.
I mean, that dog has
champion bloodlines.
Well, it should be a name
with some kind of... dignity.
How about Brutus?
[Laughing] Brutus?
Yeah, that has dignity
and nobility to it.
Brutus.
I mean, it has a... a... uh,
solidity and strength about it.
It's, uh... Brutus.
You know?
I like that.
Well, it's up to you, dear,
but, frankly,
it doesn't sound much
like a dachshund to me.
Oh, no, no, it doesn't
sound like a, uh...
Sounds like a champion,
though.
[Telephone rings]
- Hello?
- DR. PRUITT: Hello, Mark.
Oh, hello, Doc.
- How are the dachsies?
- Well, they're just fine, Doc.
- And the Dane?
- Yeah, no, he's great, too.
No feeding problems at all.
No, no, no objections.
How's Mrs. Garrison taking it?
As a matter of fact,
I haven't told her yet, Doc.
- She's not blind.
- Well, I know she's not blind.
He must be getting
pretty big by now.
I figure I've still got
a couple of days.
They're not even out
of the basket yet, Doc,
I want to give her
a chance to like it, you know?
FRAN: Mark!
Um... uh, uh, uh,
the preliminary sketches
I'm working on right now,
Mr. Dayton,
and I should have them
by the end of the week.
Thank you.
I'll see you then. Bye.
Am I interrupting you?
Uh, no, no, dear,
Nothing important.
Harry Dayton
is a little nervous
about that cover
I'm doing for his magazine.
Oh, is this it?
Uh, well, that's one
of my ideas, yeah.
Why, those are
the dachsies, huh?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, that's sweet.
But, uh,
what is that big thing
they're staring at
so adoringly?
Well, that... that's a, uh...
I haven't decided yet,
actually.
It's... it's a larger
animal of some kind,
you know, for contrast.
Oh, yeah, that's...
that's a good idea.
You know, a... a Great Dane
might be effective.
- You really think so?
- Mm-hmm...
but you should be using Danke
and the puppies for models.
[Chuckling] They're a little
too small for that yet, dear.
[Chuckling]
Well, you haven't noticed
how fast they're growing.
Come on, girls.
[Barking]
Well, how about that?
They're out of the basket.
[Whining]
And Brutus...
Well, will you look
at him, huh?
Hey, look at the way he's...
...he's growing.
- [Fran chuckles]
- Kind of like a weed, huh?
Or like a Great Dane.
Now, just hang on a minute...
Just hold on there, now,
for a minute, Fran.
I can explain everything.
Like you've been explaining
for the last couple of weeks?
"There's nothing wrong.
He's not different.
It's just that
he was born later."
- I didn't say that. You did.
- Well, what do you say now?
You still gonna tell me
that's a dachshund?
I didn't say that, Fran.
Not once did I say
that was a dachshund.
No, no.
You were sneaky about it.
You took advantage of me, Mark.
I never thought you could be
that deceitful and sneaky.
Oh, now, come on.
You could have
come out like a man
and told me you were gonna
bring that dog home
instead of hiding it,
smuggling it in
with the puppies, Mark.
Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!
Okay, okay!
I'm sneaky, but...
Mark, I really never thought
that you could do something...
that... sneaky!
Well, If you'll give me
just a minute, I'll tell you.
- I don't believe you.
- You haven't heard me yet!
Well, I'm never gonna
believe you again.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Well, for goodness sakes.
I'll fix it.
- Fran... Fran, if I hadn't...
- [Brutus yipping]
- Come here, little fella.
- [Whines]
If I hadn't brought
this poor little puppy home,
he would have starved.
- Starved?
- That's right.
Came from a big litter,
couldn't get enough to eat,
and... and, Fran,
his own mother pushed him away.
- No!
- That's right.
Oh, poor Brutus.
Oh...
When Danke had her pups, well,
she had too much milk, so, uh,
Dr. Pruitt asked
if she couldn't wet-nurse him
till he was weaned, that's all.
I tell you, I... I just didn't
have the heart to refuse,
I really didn't, and I'm sure
you wouldn't have, either.
Oh, of course not.
Oh, poor Brutus,
I'm sorry for all
the nasty things I said.
Then you agree
I did the right thing, hmm?
Oh, Mark, don't you think
I have any heart at all?
I'm sorry, darling,
I should have known.
Then we can keep him, huh?
Certainly not.
He's been weaned.
He and Doc Pruitt will get along
just fine now, sweet baby.
Come on, Danke!
[Claps]
- Come on, girls.
- [Barking]
He's a fine little fella, Doc.
Hope you find a good home
for him, huh?
- Hey, Doc?
- Hmm?
His name's Brutus.
Brutus.
Yeah.
[Engine turns over]
- Mark?
- Uh-huh?
Here's your lunch.
Oh, okay, just, uh,
set her down there.
- How's it going?
- Terrible, terrible...
haven't had a decent idea
all morning.
Working, working away...
nothing happening.
Four weeks
and you're still angry, hmm?
Angry about what?
Brutus.
That is ridiculous!
You see? You see?
You are angry.
Fran, I'm not a child, you know.
I mean, when I say I'm not
angry, I'm not angry.
You forgot the cream.
Do you know how you have been
acting lately, hmm?
So cold and distant.
You hardly ever talk to me,
you never smile.
[Sighs] That bad, huh?
[Chuckling] Worse.
- I am a heel.
- Mmm...
I apologize.
And I don't have any more
problems about dogs.
Mmm...
- Okay?
- Okay.
- [Whining]
- Mmm... mmm...
To make it official, we are
gonna spruce up tonight.
We're gonna go out on the town,
we're gonna see a show,
gonna have dinner,
put our glad rags on.
Well, I, uh,
I have a class tonight.
Mmm, a class in what?
In grooming.
Are you kidding?
You look beautiful.
Uh, for dachshunds.
Dachshunds?!
Well, we could
celebrate tomorrow.
You know, tomorrow
is your birthday.
That's really something
to celeb...
You're angry again,
right? Huh?
No.
No, I'm not angry.
See, I'm smiling.
Okay, tomorrow it is.
But right now, why don't you
get out of here,
let me eat my lunch,
and get some work done, hmm?
[Barking, whining]
[Barks]
[Whining, barking]
Fran, I brought the car
around front!
[Fran humming
"Happy Birthday"]
Hey, what's going on?
It's darn near 6: 15.
A birthday calls
for champagne.
That's very nice of you, dear,
but we don't have time.
They won't hold our table
past 7:00.
Oh, we have plenty of time...
all evening...
because we're staying home.
We're what?
I thought we'd have
a private party of our own.
Yeah, but, honey,
what about the reservations?
And I got tickets
for the Philharmonic.
Oh, Mark, it'll be
so much nicer here...
just us, so cozy.
Oh... [Chuckling]
On second thought,
that's not a very bad idea.
[Chuckling] I thought
you might say that.
To you, my dear.
Besides, we couldn't
possibly celebrate
without the dachsies.
- [Coughing]
- Oh, Mark!
Mark, are you all right?
Without the what?!
Well, Danke and the girls.
After all, Mark,
it is a family affair,
and they are family.
They're dogs, honey!
- Mark, you know what I mean.
- No, I don't.
- Look, it's my birthday, right?
- Right.
That makes me
king for the day, right?
Means I can do whatever
I want to do, right?!
- Right.
- All right!
I don't want to do anything
with the dachsies.
Oh, Mark, now, I planned
such a wonderful evening.
Don't spoil it.
You come over here, Mark,
and you sit down.
You just relax, and...
and you drink your champagne.
I'll be right back.
Come on, girl.
Hurry, now.
[Whines]
Come on. [Chuckles]
Hurry!
- That's it!
- [Whining]
[Barking, yipping]
Come on, Danke.
You're holding up the party.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Mark
Happy birthday to you
- Mmm.
- All right, girls.
- [Growling softly]
- Come on, now, line up. Go on.
Will you blow out your candle?
Mmm.
There, now your wish
will come true.
Now you can open
your presents.
[Whining]
Here, this one's
from Wilhelmina.
Wilhelmina, well...
I wonder what could be
in this necktie box.
[Fran chuckles]
Well, imagine that...
a necktie.
She picked it out herself.
Well, uh,
my favorite colors.
Goes with anything,
doesn't it?
Uh, and this is from Heidi.
From Heidi.
[Whining, growling continue]
A soup spoon?
It's a pipe.
Oh.
Here we go.
It's the latest kind.
Yeah... you should have
told Heidi...
I stopped smoking
two months ago.
Oh, I... I forgot.
Well, uh, this is from Chloe.
From Chloe, mm-hmm.
Well, let's see
what we have here.
Just what I always wanted...
a box.
Well, open it!
["Oh, Where, Oh, Where
Has My Little Dog Gone?" plays]
Oh, that's the wrong tune.
Uh, the one in the store
played "The Blue Danube."
Well...
this is from Danke.
From Danke? Well...
You like it?
I have no idea.
Well, don't you know
what that is?
Should I?
Well, Danke didn't know
what to buy you,
so she took her favorite bone
and had it bronzed.
Well, Mark, you could use it
for a paperweight.
A bronzed bone?
Well, don't you think
that's a cute idea?
Fran...
there comes a time
in every man's life
when he has got to
stand up and be counted,
and my time is right now.
Mark, if you're gonna count,
count to ten.
I'm only gonna
say this once, Fran.
I have had it
with those walking wieners!
[Growling softly]
I have had it!
I was willing
to put up with Danke.
"Danke this, Danke that.
Danke wins a two-cent
piece of ribbon."
You'd think it was
a Nobel Prize.
But I refuse to go through
the same routine
with those pups.
I refuse to...
I refuse to let them
run my life.
I will not have it
anymore, Fran.
Keep them out of my way,
or they're really gonna
wind up sausages.
[Whining]
And thank you
for a very happy birthday.
Now, just one minute!
Just one minute,
Mark Garrison!
[Barking]
You are the most selfish,
thoughtless, inconsiderate...
I'm selfish?!
...ungrateful man
I have ever met!
That is the most ridiculous
accusation that...
Will you get your whatever-it-ls
off my bed?
I want to relax!
That just happens to be
my birthday present to you,
and you can just
move it yourself!
Well, thank you very much...
for... for...
What in...
Brutus!
Fella...
What...
He... look at your hands!
Man, have you grown!
Good...
Oh, boy.
I, um...
[Whining]
...don't know how
you put up with me.
I'm so blind.
FRAN: And selfish!
MARK: That's right, yes.
FRAN: And nasty!
Mm-hmm.
And mean.
And I just know
I'm gonna hate myself.
[Whining]
[Growling]
Come on, Danke,
we'll try on your sweater.
Oh, Brutus, now,
you know better than that.
Go back where you belong.
Go on. Go on.
- [Growling]
- [Yipping]
Danke, come!
Come on.
That's my girl.
Try on your sweater.
Yes, let's see
if it fits, huh?
You'll be the prettiest
girl on the whole block.
- Fran!
- Hmm?
Burp a baby for me, will you?
What?
Burp a baby.
I need it for a sketch.
Are the hands
this way or that way?
I don't know.
I don't know, Mark.
Well, here,
show me with Danke.
- Oh, Mark, come on.
- No, it'll just take a minute.
Stand up, here.
Stand up. Pat her.
There, that's the way.
- [Danke burps]
- Gesundheit.
- [Laughs]
- Yeah, that... that's, uh...
Hey, come out
and pose for me, would you?
- It'll just take a second.
- Oh, Mark, come on!
- I have to finish that sweater.
- Just come out to the studio.
[Indistinct conversation]
[Barking]
[Barking]
[Barking, growling softly]
[Barks]
[Keys plinking]
[Keys plinking]
[Keys playing]
[Growling continues]
[Notes playing]
[Whines]
[Keys plinking]
[Muffled barking]
Oh, Brutus!
Mark, look what he's done.
Now, wait a minute...
how do you know he did it?
You're not gonna blame it
on those little angels, Mark.
Just look at them.
You can tell they had
nothing to do with it.
One dog couldn't possibly
have done all of this.
No, not normally one dog...
Besides, there's no real
harm done, honey.
It's just a little yarn,
that's all.
Just relax, now.
I can pick it all up...
if I can find where it begins.
Mark!
Uh, Look out!
Mark, don't move!
Aah!
Mark! Aah!
[Sighs]
[Sarcastically]
Just... a little yarn.
[Chuckles]
- FRAN: One, two, three, smile!
- [Brutus barking]
Oh, that is beautiful.
Hold still.
Hold still, Brutus.
Ready? One, two...
- [Barking]
- What happened, you silly, huh?
Watch out. Watch out.
Oh, watch out.
- Come on, Danke, you look silly.
- All right, all right.
Chloe, stay, stay.
You're gonna slip. Watch it.
Everybody, smile.
- Ready? Now...
- Get over here.
- Take a break, huh?
- One...
- Wait a minute. Okay.
...two...
- Take it easy.
- [Barking]
Oh, Brutus!
Mark, will you look
what he's done?
Yeah, well, he just wants
to play with them.
Oh, he always wants
to play with them.
He won't leave them alone
for a minute.
Do you think he really
believes he's their brother?
- Well, I hope not.
- [Doorbell rings]
Would you get that, honey?
I want to finish this roll.
Mmm, yeah, yeah.
[Barking continues]
Come on, girls, come on.
Come on.
Morning.
Well, good morning,
Mr. Garrison.
You remember me.
Um... oh, oh, yeah.
$ 110 worth, in fact.
Yeah, you sure piled them up
that morning, didn't you?
Yeah, I certainly did.
- You know something?
- What?
So far, nobody
in the department yet
has written that many
violations in one day.
- Is that a fact?
- I hold a record.
I'm certainly happy
I could help you out there.
Is there something I can do
for you, Officer, uh...
- Carmody.
- Carmody.
- But it's, uh, Sergeant now.
- Sergeant?
I'm not just on
highway patrol anymore.
- No?
- I'm on special detail.
- Uh-huh.
- Now, have you noticed
any suspicious-looking
characters around here lately?
Have you had any problems
at night?
Uh, no, no. Why?
Well, there's been a lot
of petty theft going on
in this neighborhood.
It looks like
it's the work of one man.
We call him
the "cat burglar."
[Laughing]
You're supposed to say,
"Who in the world would
want to steal a cat?"
- I am?
- Well, everybody does.
Oh!
Oh, well, I guess my sense of
humor's not what it should be.
[Chuckles] But anyway,
this fellow sneaks in,
grabs the first thing
he can lay his hands on,
and sneaks right out again.
So you keep your eyes
wide open.
Oh, I certainly will,
yes, yes.
Uh, thank you for the warning,
Offic... uh, Sergeant.
And it's been nice
talking to you.
Yeah, it's been nice, uh...
it's good to see you.
Give my regards to the missus.
Yes, yes.
And the family.
Arf! [Laughing]
- [Engine turns over]
- "And the family." Ha!
[Barking]
Come on, now, Chloe,
up you go.
Come on,
that's my girl, yes.
Everybody, look at me now.
- [Whining]
- Don't move, Brutus,
or you'll distract them.
Who was that, dear?
It was the police.
They're looking for
a cat burglar.
[Chuckling]
Isn't that silly?
Who'd steal a cat?
Hey...
You know who that was
out there?
Do you remember the cop
on the motorcycle
that escorted us
to the hospital?
Oh, that nice patrolman...
Finnegan.
Yeah... no, no, Carmody,
and he's a sergeant now.
Made sergeant on my money.
[Chuckles]
Every time I think about
that morning, I...
Brutus, no!
- [Dachshunds barking]
- Oh, no...
Hey, what are you
hitting me for?!
It took me 15 minutes
to get them in that pose.
Now look what he's done.
Well, honey, it... it's
just an old wheelbarrow.
Well, then you clean it up.
Come on, Danke,
we'll go make lunch.
Come on, baby. Oh.
That's my girl.
[Barks]
Hey, Fran! Look at this!
He's learned to...
learned to fetch already!
Oh, marvelous,
just marvelous.
Good boy.
Let me have it now.
Let go of it, let go.
- [Growling]
- Let go, Brutus.
Let go.
Let... let go of the wheel.
[Growling continues]
Brutus, let go of the wheel.
Let go...
Aah! Aah! Aaah!
[Whines]
Well, now, maybe you could
stand a few improvements.
What happened?
Nothing. I just sat down
in the lily pond, that's all.
I'm gonna change clothes.
Honestly, Mark, you're getting
to be as clumsy as Brutus.
[Barking]
[Barking]
[Barking continues]
[Barking continues]
[Barking]
[Barking]
[Barking continues]
[Barking continues]
FRAN: Mark!
[Gasps]
Oh!
Well! Now are you
satisfied, hmm?
Mark, are you satisfied?
Or are you gonna try and blame
this on the dachsies, too?
- Why not? We always do.
- Fran...
Of course, the fact that
the little innocent things
are nowhere in sight
shouldn't make any difference.
They must be responsible.
They always are.
And poor, poor
persecuted Brutus is blameless.
Of course, the fact that
he has paint all over him
and paintings stuck
on his feet
is merely
circumstantial evidence.
- That doesn't prove anything.
- Fran, will you shut up?
Oh, I'm sorry...
Fran, I...
I'm very sorry.
That's all right, Mark.
I excuse your rudeness
on the grounds that you are
justifiably overwrought.
You needn't apologize.
But if you ever say "shut up"
to me again, Mark Garrison,
neither I nor the girls
will ever speak to you again.
Oh, boy.
[Barking]
Oh... boy.
$20 to scrape studio floor,
$23 to replace
two broken windows.
[Barking]
$ 12 to repair easel.
What should I put down
for one month's work ruined?
Fran, it was my work,
and it was my studio.
All right, Mark.
Last week, it cost me $ 18
to repair my couch slipcovers
and $92 to replace
my mother's broken vase.
Fran, Brutus is still
a puppy at heart.
I know that, Mark.
That is what worries me.
His career is just beginning.
- Well...
- Now, Mark...
that dog is too destructive.
- He has got to go.
- [Barking continues]
No, he isn't!
For... shut up!
The puppy, shut up.
Uh, Brutus. Uh...
Look, Fran...
- [Barking continues]
- Brutus, will you be quiet?!
You hear me, Brutus?
Be quiet!
Oh, don't waste your breath,
Mark.
He's as stubborn as you are.
Well, I'll... put him
out in the garage.
What did I do
with that flashlight?
Come on! [Clapping]
Come on, come on!
Yes! Oh, here's my girls.
All right, everybody
on the end of the bed.
Come on, it's time
to go to sleep. Go on.
Go on, at the end of the bed.
Oh, now, don't be silly.
Come on.
There you are.
Oh, stop it, girls.
No, girls, don't do that.
Oh, just calm down, now.
- [Barking continues]
- Brutus, no!
Aah! Ooh!
[Dogs barking]
Oh!
- Oh!
- Come here, Brutus.
Come here. Come here, now.
Honey, are you okay?
One new bed... $200!
All right, I... I give up.
He goes back to Doc
first thing in the morning.
Come on, Brutus.
Oh!
[Barking]
Oh!
- [Crickets chirping]
- Wait a minute, now.
Hold it, Brutus.
Why couldn't you have been
good for something?
Anything?
Now, go on in there, fella.
Lie down.
[Whimpers]
This'll give you plenty of air.
[Whimpering, whining]
Be quiet.
[Barking]
Hush!
[Whining]
Hush up, Brutus!
[Doorknob rattles]
Oh, great,
beautiful, beautiful.
[Sighs]
[Grunting]
The end of a perfect day.
[Brakes squeal]
[Engine turns off]
[Parking brake clicking]
[Shoes creaking]
[Creaking continues]
[Growls softly]
- [Creaking continues]
- [Whining softly]
[Creaking continues]
[Door creaking]
[Growling]
[Barking]
Easy, boy.
Easy, boy. Shh!
- [Growling]
- Shh! Lie down.
- [Barking]
- Nice doggy. Nice doggy.
You have the wrong man,
the wrong man.
- I'm a policeman. Shh!
- [Growling]
- Aaah!
- [Barking]
Aah, hold it.
Hold it right there.
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it.
[Barking]
[Growling]
Puppy, puppy, puppy.
Puppy, puppy, puppy.
- [Barking]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh.
Nice doggy.
[Growling]
Oh!
[Panting]
[Barking]
[Grunts] Oh!
[Barking]
[Grunting]
- Aah! [Panting]
- [Barking]
Get away!
[Barking]
Mark, don't fight it.
[Sighs]
CARMOD Y: Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison!
Get away! Go on!
Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison!
Wake up!
It's me... Sergeant Carmody!
Go on! Get away!
Go on, get away!
Mr. Garrison!
MAN ON POLICE RADIO:
Calling Sergeant Carmody,
Car 23.
Calling Sergeant Carmody,
Car 23, Signal 15...
investigate disturbance
on Bowling Green Drive...
dog barking.
Repeat...
investigate disturbance
on Bowling Green Drive...
dog barking.
That is all.
[Panting]
[Door opens]
I wish that paper would show up
just once on time!
[Barking]
Brutus!
[Hoarsely] Mr. Gar...
Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison.
Up here!
Sergeant Carmody.
What are you doing up there?
[Grunts] Your dog chased me.
What are you doing up there?
[Grunts] Your dog chased me.
Hush! Come here.
What?
- Dog won't let me down.
- I can't understand you.
[Exhales sharply]
I... I... I can't talk.
Hey, you haven't been
up there all night, have you?
Yeah.
What in the world for?
Your dog chased me.
Oh, you mean Brutus chased...
How about that?
Now, look, would you take him
away and let me down?
Hey, you know, I bet he...
I bet he thought
you were the cat burglar.
- Fran!
- No. Wait. Would you please...
No, no, just a minute,
Sergeant.
I want to prove something
to my wife first. Fran!
Mark, what's wrong?
Hey, come here a minute.
I want to show you something.
Will you just let me down?
Uh, Fran, you remember
Sergeant Carmody.
He escorted us
to the hospital.
Lady, will you talk to him?
Will you please talk to him?
Well, I don't know
what this is all about.
I wanted you to see Brutus.
He chased him up that tree.
What do you think of that?
What do you think I think, Mark?
That's a police officer.
Now, how would Brutus
know the difference?
It's just a prowler to him.
He could've been that burglar
they're chasing around town.
He defended us!
He protected our property!
All right, Mark, but still...
Don't you see how important
he is to us, how valuable?
If we keep him around here, no
burglar would come within miles.
All right, Mark,
you've made your point.
We can discuss it later.
In the meantime,
will you please let the officer
down from the tree?
- [Laughs]
- Yeah, okay.
Just wanted you to see,
that's all.
Oh, uh, come on down,
Sergeant.
Dog... the dog.
Oh.
Good boy, Brutus. Good boy.
Go on back to the house now.
Go on. Go on.
Okay, Sergeant, it's safe now.
[Panting]
Here, let me help.
Whoa.
[Breathing heavily]
I don't need any help.
Oh, well, let me give you
a hand to the car.
No, no, no, do...
don't bother, Mr. Garrison.
- Would you like some breakfast?
- I'm not hungry.
- How about a cup of coffee?
- I'm not thirsty.
Want an aspirin,
glass of water?
Look, all I want to do
is get out of here.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Uh, drop in again anytime,
Sergeant.
Yeah. [Breathing heavily]
So long now.
[Grunts]
[Panting]
This is
Sergeant Carmody in...
[Clicking]
- This is Sergeant...
- [Clicking]
Sergeant Carmody in Car...
[Clicking]
[Breathing heavily]
[Engine sputtering]
[Breathing heavily]
[Barking]
[Horn buzzes]
[Whimpers]
[Buzzing continues]
[Whimpering] No, no, no.
[Whimpers]
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Japanese]
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, Mr. Toyama.
Good morning, Mrs. Garrison.
Um, well, you're early.
I wasn't expecting you
until later.
- There is much to be done.
- Oh.
I bring Kenji...
newly imported,
number-one nephew.
Oh, uh, would you mind
starting in the back?
We haven't
finished breakfast yet.
As you wish.
[Barking]
Dogs?
Uh, they're very friendly.
Well, they won't bother you.
- [Barking continues]
- Quiet, girls!
- Who was that?
- Toyama.
So early?
[lmitating Toyama]
Ah, there is much to be done.
[Normal voice] He's got to
get the decorations
and the food and the tables
set up by 6:00.
What is this Oriental bacchanal
costing us, anyway?
Mark, we haven't entertained
in six months.
We owe everybody.
Yes, I did make
my hair appointment.
Yes, I did pick my dress up
at the cleaners.
That evasive answer means
it's costing a bundle, right?
Wrong. We're getting
a package deal...
food, decorations, everything
for one reasonable price.
Yes, I ordered the guest towels
for the bathroom.
No, I did not speak to Mark
first thing this morning.
Sure you did. I said,
"Did you sleep well?"
And you said,
"Make your own breakfast."
About Brutus.
Mark, you've got to
get rid of that dog.
Now, wait just a minute, Fran.
Now, let's not start that again.
Brutus is my dog,
and I am...
I mean for today, Mark,
so he won't be underfoot.
I mean, it's difficult enough
to prepare a lawn party
for 60 people without that
4-legged demolition squad
running around
in the middle of it.
Demolition squad?
Now, what about that, uh,
wrecking crew of yours, huh?
Mark Garrison,
how can you compare
those dear, sweet,
little angels
with that big, clumsy ox?
Okay.
All right, Fran, I'll, uh...
take him for a walk,
all right?
You'll do no such thing.
I need you here to help me.
Just tie him up.
What am I gonna do, Fran?
I thought Toyama's
taking care of everything.
Well, Mark, you know something
always goes wrong
at the last minute, and I want
you here just in case.
In case of what, for example?
KENJI: Rion! Rion!
In case of that, for example.
[Shouting in Japanese]
Aah! Rion!
- [Speaking Japanese]
- Rion?
Mark, look!
Brutus!
- Brutus!
- Brutus, Brutus, come here.
Come here, fella. Come on.
Mr. Toyama, are you all right?
Take away rion!
That's not a lion!
That's a dog.
You call that dog?
[Brutus barking]
Mr. Toy... Mr. Toyama!
Well,
you can't just lie there.
Only way to fool wild beast.
- [Barks]
- Oh, Brutus, boy.
Oh, Mark,
will you take him away
and tie him up somewhere?
Oh, for Pete's sake,
he wasn't gonna hurt anybody.
Rook out... rion!
[Gasps]
[Speaking Japanese]
[Mid-tempo
accordion music plays]
[Indistinct conversations]
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Japanese]
How is everything,
Mr. Toyama?
Nobody eat kombu.
Kombu?
Stuffed seaweed.
Oh, well, uh, I'm...
I'm sure everybody will.
Well, good evening,
Mrs. Garrison.
Oh, hello, Dr. Pruitt.
Well, I've been waiting
for a chance
to pay my respects
to the hostess.
Nice of you to ask me.
Oh, you don't think we'd
forget the family vet, do you?
Well, I'd hope not.
How are the dogs?
Oh, just adorable,
especially Chloe.
You know, I think she's got
the makings of a champion.
Well, there's the man
who could tell you for sure.
And so I said to her,
"Madam, I'm judging your dogs,
not you."
[Laughter]
Uh, Mel Chadwick?
He's an expert on dachsies.
Or didn't you know?
Well, I did know
that he was judging
the Fairview Dog Show
next month.
Ah. Chloe is entered,
I suppose.
Oh, Dr. Pruitt, you don't think
that I arranged this whole party
just to get
on his good side, do you?
Oh, no, no, no,
never entered my mind.
[Chuckles] Well, I did.
[Laughs]
It's wicked of me, huh?
No, no, not a bit.
Why don't you bring Chloe
out here and show her to him?
Oh, no, I couldn't.
But you will.
Of course I will.
Will you excuse me?
Yeah, I will...
and good luck.
[Laughing] Oh, my.
Kombu?
Eh, kombu?
Well, I don't think, uh...
Come on, Chloe. Come on.
You girls stay. Stay.
Stay.
[Indistinct conversations]
All right, Chloe, you go.
Go on.
Of course, so few of us have
the ability to...
- Recognize such a...
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
...quality.
Chloe, bad girl.
What did you do?
Hey, I thought we agreed to keep
the animal life out of here.
Oh, well, it was
an accident, dear.
She just kind of got out.
Oh, uh, would you put those
chairs over there,
and could you get me two more
for the hors d'oeuvre table?
Oh, that's a cute... yes.
Well, well, well,
what have we here?
Your dog, Mrs. Garrison?
Yes. This is Chloe.
A fine-looking animal.
Uh, may I?
Oh, of course.
[Slow accordion music plays]
Better sit down, Harry.
Remember New Year's Eve.
Nobody'll let me forget.
Good back line.
Ear set... good.
Fine head.
You intend to show her?
Well, I... I was
thinking about it,
if you think
she's good enough.
There's one way to find out.
Why don't you put her in
the Fairview show next month?
Chloe! Chloe!
No, no, no,
Mrs. Garrison, let her go.
Dachsies love
to be around people.
Oh, but I know some people
who don't love to be
around dachsies.
Oh, nonsense!
[Whimpers]
[Shouting in Japanese]
Uh, my sentiments exactly,
Mr. Toyama.
Dog not berong here.
That's right.
You hear that, Chloe?
Now, go on. Beat it.
[Speaking Japanese]
Hi, Mark.
Well, hello, Doc.
How are you?
Hey, it looks like your wife
has her wish...
a real champion.
Uh-huh. A real pain sometimes,
I'll tell you that.
- Go on, Chloe. Beat it. Go on.
- [Barks]
Well, of course, I can see
where your sympathies lie.
How is Brutus?
He's getting along just great.
Would you like to see him?
I sure would.
Brutus deserves something
out of this party.
- Come on.
- All right.
[Laughter,
indistinct conversations]
[Gate opens, closes]
[Laughs] Yes, sir, Mark,
he is beautiful.
Of course, I could see that
when he was a pup.
The best Dane I ever bred,
I think.
Yeah.
And is your wife getting
used to having him around now?
Doc, let's say
she's adjusted to it.
The dachshunds
are her pets...
especially
that little ol' Chloe.
She's really got the bug.
She's not gonna be happy
till she wins a blue ribbon.
Well, what about you?
Did you ever think of trying
for one yourself?
A... you mean with Brutus?
He's a fine dog.
Oh, Doc, that's what
he's gonna stay, too...
[Chuckling]
just plain doggy.
I don't want any spoiled
and pampered show horse
on my hands.
Chloe?
Chloe?
Mark, what are you doing here?
Oh, just showing Brutus
to Dr. Pruitt.
Is Chloe still
wandering around?
I thought you were gonna put the
little wiener back in the house.
Oh, she's not doing any harm.
You know, she probably found
someplace to hide
where she could watch the fun.
You know, we should be getting
back to the guests, huh?
Okay. Let's go, Doc.
See you later, boy.
MARK: So long, Brutus.
- [Gate closes]
- [Growls softly]
[Barking]
[Growls]
[Barking]
[Dogs barking]
- Excuse me.
- Mark?
- What?
- Where are you going?
Oh, I'm just wondering
what was bothering Brutus.
There's nothing wrong
with Brutus.
Now, he's perfectly
all right,
and will you please pay
attention to our guests?
[Barking]
[Squeaking]
[Up-tempo
accordion music plays]
[Barking softly]
Mr. Chadwick, I don't believe
you've met my husband.
- Hello.
- Oh, Chloe's father.
How do you do,
Mr. Garrison?
MAVIS: Eat something, Harry.
"Eat something, Harry."
Nobody ever says,
"Drink something, Harry."
[Sighs]
Ah, you cute, little rascal.
Mavis!
Mavis, come here.
I want to show you something.
Come on, I want to show you
the cutest thing.
There's a tiny, little dog
in there eating a bone.
Harry.
No, honest.
You can see for yourself.
Just look in the pagoda.
- [Barks]
- Aaaah!
- Aaaah!
- What's that?
[Indistinct shouting]
Rion!
Rion!
Rion!
Rion?!
- Lion?
- Oh, it can't be. He's tied up.
Rion!
Rion! Rion!
Where is he?
Where is he?
[Speaking Japanese]
Aaah!
[Barking]
- Aaah!
- Brutus!
[Speaking Japanese]
- [Barks]
- Aaah!
Brutus! Come here!
Brutus!
- Oh!
- Aaaah!
Oh, Mark! Oh!
[Brutus continues barking]
Oh, don't stand there!
Do something!
Stop him!
Brutus! Come here, Brutus!
Come here!
Brutus!
Brutus!
Excuse... me.
[Continues barking]
Aaah! Aaah!
[Grunts]
Aaah!
- Aaah! Aaah!
- Aaah!
Oh, Mark!
[Kenji shouting in Japanese]
[Shouting continues]
Aaaah!
Aaah!
Whoa, boy! Whoa, boy!
Whoa!
- Brutus, stop!
- Oh, stop him!
Aaaah!
Brutus!
[Barking continues]
What a dog.
[Indistinct shouting]
What's the matter
with you, Garrison?
Can't you control your dog?
Well... Brutus!
- Hold it!
- Aaah!
Come on, stop!
Brutus, come here!
- Mark!
- I'm trying!
Brutus?!
Here, boy! Here, boy!
Mr. Chadwick!
Mr. Chadwick,
just grab my hand!
Mrs. Ga...
Ugh! Aaah!
[Women screaming]
[Plays off-key]
Fran!
- Fran, you okay, honey?
- [Coughing]
Oh... Mark!
Now, here we go.
Ugh! Mark!
Fran, I... I really am
sorry about this.
I...
- Mark!
- I really am, honey.
- Mark!
- Fran?
- Mark!
- Fran!
[Whimpers]
I wish you hadn't
done that, Brutus.
[Growls softly]
[Telephone ringing]
Oh, Brutus...
Knock it off, will you?!
Stay!
Now, knock it off, Brutus.
That goes for all of you.
[Barking]
[Continues barking]
Who was that?
Where?
On the telephone.
Toyama.
Oh.
When is he coming to clean up?
He isn't.
- Oh.
- Neither is Kenji.
In fact, the entire
Japanese-American community
has declared our house
a disaster area.
[Chuckles]
Well, when is he coming
for his junk?
It is now our junk.
What?
$325 worth
of Japanese lanterns,
broken hibachis,
and papier-mch pagodas.
That, in addition to what
we'll undoubtedly have to pay
for ruined clothes,
medication,
and the shattered nerves of all
our ex-friends and neighbors.
Yeah, okay.
The telephone
has not stopped ringing.
Mel Chadwick is on the verge
of pneumonia,
Jane Felton
had a nervous breakdown,
and the drugstore
has run out of vaporizers.
Yeah, okay. All right.
- Mark.
- [Dogs whimpering]
Mark, I think you should know
that I called Dr. Pruitt
this morning.
To tell him what?
To tell him that you will be
returning Brutus this afternoon.
Returning Brutus?!
My mind is made up.
That dog turned vicious.
- He goes or else.
- Or else what?
Listen here,
he was absolutely blameless
for what happened
last night, Fran!
Oh-ho-ho, blameless?!
Brutus is a kind, lovable,
intelligent animal!
- [Barking]
- Ah, shut up, you idiot.
[Whimpering]
Now, listen, Fran,
let's sit down and calmly
and coolly discuss this thing!
[Barking]
[Growls softly, barking]
[Vehicle approaching]
[Whirring]
Ah, good morning, Brutus.
Up kind of early, ain't you?
Oh, now,
did you make this mess?
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
[Grunts]
[Panting]
You shouldn't eat this stuff.
It ain't good for you.
Looks like
it was quite a party.
[Grunting]
[Barking]
Hey, what did you do...
Iose a bone in there
or something?
Come on, get down. There's
nothing for you in there.
Attaboy.
[Whimpering]
[Grunts, chuckles]
[Barking]
[Whirring]
[Barking]
Sorry, pal.
Whatever it is you wanted
is gone now.
[Growling]
[Barking]
Come on!
This is no time for games.
Hey, what's...
what's the matter with you?
It's me... Eddie.
Say...
What's the matter...
you sick or something?
Knock it off.
Mr. Garrison!
Take it easy, now, will you?
Mr. Garrison!
- Eddie, what's wrong?
- Call off your dog.
- He's gone crazy or something!
- Brutus, get back.
- Mark!
- Please, ma'am, do something!
- Mark!
- All I did was empty the trash.
- What's the matter?
- Brutus attacked Eddie.
Attacked Eddie?
Come here, Brutus!
- He went loony!
- Do something!
Brutus, what's the matter
with you, huh?
- What's the matter?
- What is it, Mark?
Look, Mr. Garrison,
you're nice people,
but I don't have to take this.
- That's enough.
- I'm very sorry, Eddie.
I'm sure there must be
some reason for it.
[Eddie grunts]
[Chloe whimpers]
Brutus, come here.
- Mark, do you hear something?
- What's the matter, boy?
Where's Chloe?
Eddie, did you see Chloe?
No, ma'am, I didn't.
- FRAN: Chloe? Chloe?
- [Chloe whimpers]
Hey, you don't suppose...
Hey, hold Brutus, Eddie.
Hold him.
Mark, be careful.
- Mark!
- Aaah!
- Mark!
- [Muffled shouting]
Mark, be careful!
- Aaah!
- [Thud]
Mark!
Is she in there, Mark?
I don't know.
- Oh, poor Chloe.
- EDDIE: [Laughs] Look at her.
She's okay.
[Laughs]
She's all right, Fran.
Oh, look at her!
Oh, my poor baby!
Hey, you know something...
I'll bet you that's why Brutus
wouldn't let me in the truck.
He knew that little pooch
was in there.
It kind of looks that way,
doesn't it?
Poor Brutus.
I bet your silly father
forgot to give you breakfast.
Come on, I'll give you
a couple of eggs.
Oh, boy.
Oh, excuse me.
Okay, take five.
Ahh.
Come on, girls.
Come on. [Smooches]
Come on. Come on.
Ooh, ooh, there's
my beautiful Chloe, yes.
Yes, what's the matter...
you want your picture painted,
too, huh?
Is that what it is?
Oh, will you get off,
you big...
Fran,
he just wants his share.
Come here, Brutus.
Come, boy.
Come here. Ah, whoa!
Mark, he has got to learn
that he is not a lapdog.
Now, we're not gonna have
any peace in this house
till he realizes
he is not a dachshund.
Well, I don't think
that he thinks that... that...
You know, Fran,
you could be right.
[Panting]
Go on, girls. Go on.
Go on. Go on.
Scatter. Scatter.
What have you got there?
It's the dog book.
I'm gonna show Brutus
who he is.
Oh, Mark!
Well, it's our fault.
We never told him.
You pay attention
to this, Brutus.
This is important.
Brutus, now, you look here.
Look... this is a dachshund.
See that?
They're dachshunds.
You're not a dachshund,
and you never will be.
No, no, no.
Dachshund... pooey.
Oh, really? Now, let's not
get so carried away.
Play along with this
a minute, will you?
Now, stick with me, Brutus.
Stay with me, boy, huh?
Now...
Ahh...
Now, here's what you are,
Brutus...
- [Whimpers]
...a Great Dane.
A Great Dane.
Dachshunds... no.
Danes... yes.
You are a Great Dane.
Look at that.
You see that?
That's all there was to it.
He just had to be shown.
How about that?
You know, he took one look
at that picture, one look,
and I could tell that he...
Uh, Mark...
[Whimpers]
MARK: . . That he still thinks
he's a dachshund.
[Laughs] Aw.
"Dachshund... phooey.
Great Dane... yes."
[Laughs] Poor Mark.
Aw.
[Barking]
Heel, boy.
Brutus, heel!
Look, fella, when I tell you
to heel, you heel.
Heel.
[Laughs]
Well, who's leading who?
Hi, Doc.
- Hi, Brutus.
- Heel, Brutus. Heel.
Hey, what's
the diagnosis on Chloe?
Chloe has a rash.
A rash. Well, well, well.
Your wife was sure
it was scarlet fever,
but it's just
a minor skin irritation.
No problem.
Yeah, that dog show's
got her tied up in knots.
I hope she's gonna make it
through the next six days.
Hope I do.
All right, Brutus... stay.
How about that, huh?
Want a drink, Doc?
Uh, no, thank you.
No, thank you.
Brutus, let me
have a look at you.
I tell you...
you're absolutely marvelous.
You've kept him
in fine shape, Mark.
Trying to teach him obedience
is keeping me in shape.
Fine lines,
nice, square head...
He's grown up
just the way I figured.
Make a fine show dog.
Oh, come on, Doc.
No, no, I mean it.
I'd like to work with him
if you let me.
No, no, no.
Teach him ring manners,
stance, huh?
No, one in the family's enough.
In fact, it's too much.
All I want him to do is learn
how to walk around on this leash
without jerking my arm
out of the socket.
Hey, stick around a minute,
will you?
I want you to see
if I'm doing anything wrong.
Okay.
All right, Brutus... heel.
How about that, huh?
[Laughing]
FRAN: Doc! Uh, Doc Pruitt!
Oh, Doc Pruitt, do you think
I could take Chloe for a walk?
Why, of course.
Well, you know,
that irritation...
I was wondering...
it could be an allergy.
Maybe it's something
around here.
I assure you, Mrs. Garrison,
it's nothing serious.
Heel now. Heel.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, sit down.
Now, come on, Brutus, sit.
Mark... what in the world
are you doing?
Well, I'm training him.
[Chuckles]
Sit down. Sit down.
[Laughing] Oh, really?
What do you mean,
"Oh, really?"
Well, it's just
that Brutus is...
well, really, uh...
Fran, you know, when you say
"really" in that tone of voice,
you usually really mean
something by it.
Oh, Mark,
don't be so sensitive.
It's just that Brutus
is a sweet, clumsy ox,
and I don't think you should
expect too much from him,
that's all.
Come on, Chloe.
Heel.
I'll be seeing you.
Doc...
You got a deal.
Get him ready for that show.
Oh, hold on, Mark.
Now, that show
is only six days away.
Now, wait a minute...
it was your idea, you know.
You said he was good enough.
Yeah, I know, but, uh...
What about that blue ribbon
you've been talking about?
No, no, no.
It's impossible, impossible.
Then you'll do it?
Of course I will.
All right.
Now, one thing, Doc...
don't tell my wife, hmm?
Mark, under these conditions,
I wouldn't tell anybody.
I wouldn't even tell
my mother.
Have a good night's sleep,
Brutus.
Brutus, all right, Brutus,
you understand?
Wait. Wait a minute.
All right, now...
Now, remember, you hold
the leash in one hand.
Yeah.
The important thing is that
you are in control of the dog.
Right.
Now, let's try it now.
Nice and easy, huh?
Okay. Brutus, heel.
Hold him. Hold him.
Hold him. Hold him now.
Nice and easy, huh?
Mark, if you...
Keep control of the dog
at all times.
You can do it.
[No audio]
Stay.
Well, what do you think, Doc?
[Sighs] I don't know.
I don't know.
He's not consistent.
There should be a proud look
to him, a Dane look.
Sometimes he's fine, and then
he seems to lose his character.
Well, that's the old dachsie
influence.
He still thinks
he's one of them.
Oh?
And so all we've got to do now
is to figure out a way
to persuade him
that he's a Great Dane.
That's right, Doc.
That's right.
By tomorrow.
[Indistinct conversations]
[Dogs barking]
[Barking]
Keep him still,
will you, Mark?
Yeah, okay, Doc.
Hey, are you sure
Fran's not gonna come in here?
No.
The dachsies are benched
clear over
the other side
of the building.
Yes, okay.
[Whimpers]
[Barking]
Come on, boy. Come on.
Hold still, will you?
Doggone it.
Now, just relax, boy.
They're dogs,
just like you are.
Well, now, let's see.
Let's see.
Now, you're as ready
as you ever will be, Brutus.
- Doc, down. Quick.
- Huh? What?
- Down!
- What? What's the matter?
It's Fran.
Well, what's she doing
over here?
- I don't know, but...
- She belongs with the hounds.
FRAN: Oh, thank you.
[Barks]
[Whimpers]
Boy, that was close.
[Chuckles] Well, you won't
be able to duck her for long.
Just long enough to win
that blue ribbon, Doc...
that's all I want.
MAN ON P. A: Great Danes
to the ring, please.
Great Danes to the ring.
Well, here's your chance.
- Yeah, thanks, Doc.
- Good luck.
Thank you.
Head up, boy.
Oh, here they come.
Any last words of advice, Doc?
Nope. You're on your own.
Good luck.
[Mumbles]
Hi.
[Whimpers]
Mark.
Walk your dogs, please.
Heel.
Oh, excuse me.
Nice dog.
Oh.
Look, sweetie-kins,
those are Great Danes.
Oh.
Up! Up! Up! Up!
Up! Up! Up!
Oh.
[Laughter]
Up, Brutus, up. Stand up.
Come on, fella, stand up.
Just a minute!
Hold everything!
That dog sick or just tired?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
It's, uh...
it's stage fright.
- Stage fright?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- Hey, what happened to him?
- I don't know.
Must've got the idea
he was a dachsie again.
JUDGE:
Stack your dogs, please.
Head up, boy. Head up.
Mark. Mark.
[Laughter]
There's no sense hanging around.
I might as well go home now.
No, no.
You've got to stick it out.
Hey, look at him.
Doc?
DR. PRUITT: Well...
Now, that's what I call
a Great Dane.
Make a deal with you.
What's that?
Won't have you thrown out if
you tell me how you managed it.
- Managed what?
- Switching dogs.
Swit... well, I didn't!
Expect me to believe
that's the same dog?
Well, it's... little hard
for me to believe myself.
- [Chuckles]
- [Groans]
Now, don't worry, Mark.
You're doing fine.
Hey, Doc, this is making me
a nervous wreck.
What got into Brutus, anyway?
Well, he just got a look
at that other Dane over there...
that female.
She's waiting to be judged
for best of breed.
You mean just because
he saw her, he...
Dogs are just like people.
Takes a female to make
a fella want to show off.
Yeah.
Well, he's sure showing off now,
isn't he, Doc?
JUDGE: All right, that's it.
You...
...and you.
What?
Walk your dogs again,
both of you.
Oh. Yes, sir.
Heel, Brutus.
Run your dog!
Well, of all the...
Really, uh...
I'm so sorry. It slipped.
That's enough.
[Applause]
- That's enough!
- Yes, sir.
You sure had me fooled
the first time around.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Fine dog.
- Just wait over there.
- Okay.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Good girl. Good girl.
Whoa, that's my boy!
I knew it.
It was yours all the way.
Thank you, Doc.
He's such a good dog.
- I'm proud of you, yes.
- How about that?
Listen, take over
for me, will you?
Here, hang on to Brutus
for me.
Huh? Why?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna find Fran and wave
this under her cute little nose,
- That's where I'm going.
- No, no, you can't leave now.
Why not? I won, didn't I?
Only for male Danes, yeah.
Now he's got to be judged
against this female
for the best of breed,
then there's working class...
I've got what I want.
Here, take over for me.
Uh, Mark! I c...
You, uh... hold that,
will you, please?
Thanks very much.
[Indistinct conversations]
Hey, Fran.
Mark, you did come.
- You bet your life I...
- Ooh. [Chuckles]
I wouldn't miss this
for anything.
Oh, don't rub it in.
What?
Well, you saw... second place,
after all I went through.
After all I put you through.
Hey, I really am sorry, Fran.
I really am.
No, Mark, I am...
about everything.
Why don't we go home?
I don't like
public confessions, huh?
Yeah.
Let's go home.
What's that?
What's what?
Mark,
are you hiding something?
Well, it's a, uh...
I picked it up in there.
Mark, that's a blue ribbon.
They're very valuable.
You can't just go around
picking up blue ribbons.
- Now, you put it back.
- Fran...
MAN ON P. A:
Working class...
best of winners
to the ring, please.
Best of winners.
Hey, you don't
suppose that...
Come on.
- Mark!
- No, come on.
Mark? Mark?
Why are you carrying... Mark?
Brutus?
Surprised?
Oh-ho-ho.
Best of breed.
Onward and upward, Doc.
Mark, you never told me!
I'm sorry, honey,
it was childish of me,
When you didn't win, I didn't
have the heart to tell you.
Oh, you sweet, wonderful boob,
I love you.
[Barks]
Will you be quiet
and watch your brother?
Ta-da!
[Laughs] You know, Mark...
it's too bad Brutus didn't
do better in the working group.
Look, third place
was just fine.
We got a matched set from
the bottom right to the top.
How does it look, huh?
Oh, that's perfect.
Mark, where's the other
blue ribbon?
Oh, I gave it to Doc Pruitt.
Boy, did he deserve it.
Honey, I'm sorry it was such
a disappointing day for you.
Oh, don't be silly, Mark.
At least it's ending
better than it began, huh?
I'll make a deal with you.
- You will? What?
- Mm-hmm. No more dog shows.
No more dog shows.
No, okay,
no more blue ribbons.
No more blue ribbons.
I'll work. You keep house.
Mmm.
Okay, all we'll raise are...
ordinary, everyday dogs.
Among other things, hmm?
[Chuckles]
[Whimpering]
Brutus... be quiet, will you?
Mark, he's dreaming.
Yeah...
about that bewitching female
in the spotted coat,
I'll bet you.
Do you think that's why
he really won, Mark, huh?
You think the female
made the difference?
Honey...
females always make
the difference.
[Barks]