Uncommon Law (2015) Movie Script
1
[BRENDAN] Much Ado About
Ditching blog entry 108.
I'm starting to think that
the dating pool has run dry.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Oh hell, I don't love myself
And I like you even less, oh well
I guess it's just as well
Now go on and save yourself
I had some feelings
darling, now I think I'm dead
You keep that brand new car
and the thoughts in your head
Just like my time with
you, me and all my friends
Were wasted
Give me some help help help
I need your help help help
I want help help help
I need your help
Shut up
I don't love no one
And maybe I left my body
And my skin's just warm
There is no reason
darling for another breath
Throw out those useless
words or keep them in your head
Just like your point of
view, me and all my friends
Are wasted
Somebody help help help
I need your help help help
I want help help help
I need your help
I had some feelings
darling now I think I'm dead
You keep the brand new car
and the thoughts in your head
Just like my time with
you, me and all my friends
Were wasted
I need your help
Help help help
Help help help
Help help help
I need your help
So what's up girl, you come here often?
That depends.
Give me both your lines, and
I'll pick the one I like best.
Huh?
Nobody who genuinely wants to know
if you're a regular asks
if you come here often.
So you've obviously got lines
ready for both yes and no.
Let's hear 'em.
Oh, um, I should...
You're not gonna get into
any panties with that one!
Alright, say I do come here often.
Nah, that's not true,
I'd recognize that ass anywhere.
Yeah, see, I'm sitting.
In a stool.
With a back.
So you don't improvise
well but my ass thanks you.
Does that mean...
Oh hold on Casanova.
Let's hear the other line first.
Ask me again.
You come here often?
Nope.
You want to?
Pardon?
You want to come often?
Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work.
Ah trust me, it works.
And we're not referring
to the same it, are we?
So what do you say, you
wanna get out of here?
Wow, jumping right to it.
Oh come on, I saw you
checkin' out the guns.
You know you want to
see the whole package.
Yeah, has anyone ever told you
you're good at reading people?
- Nope.
- I can't see why not.
I don't read much.
Oh, right.
I mean, what good did reading ever do?
You don't get to the top
burying your nose in a book.
Nah you gotta work for it.
That's why I'm in the gym
two hours a day every day.
You want to be the best,
you gotta look the best.
Okay, um.
This goes back to are you
gonna believe what you see,
or what I tell you?
Okay, I'm really sorry.
This is mostly just to
go bail out my friend.
Maybe...
Nah.
I mean shit, if Shakespeare
would've done a little P90X,
maybe he wouldn't have been so gay.
We gotta get out of here!
What happened to you?
Who's this douche dick?
My husband.
You want me to get rid of him for you?
Melissa, we've gotta go, now!
Why, what happened?
They found us, I don't
know how, but they found us!
What the hell's he talking about?
You don't mean, they?
Yes! I think I killed one of... they!
What?
I just, I blacked out again.
And when I came to...
I didn't mean to do it,
you've gotta believe me!
I really didn't!
We gotta run.
There's no telling how much
more time we have until,
they, find us.
Okay, okay, look, we gotta go.
But seriously, work on that line!
(LAUGHING)
Okay Brendan, what the hell was that?
It was a number four to the neck.
On the run from a secret
government agency out to kill us.
No, that's a four to the thigh!
A four to the neck is a
winning lottery ticket.
No no no, four to the neck,
secret government agency.
Neck, kill, you know?
It's to the thigh
because we're on the run.
Oh right.
Well then, why is the
lottery ticket to the neck?
Up to our necks in money.
(GROANS) Tomorrow we're
going over the codes again.
And I liked this shirt too.
I dunno, I think I'd go
crazy working in a cubicle.
I know delivering pizzas
isn't all that glamorous,
but still.
It's not that bad.
I mean, I spend most of
my day fixing computers
or doing basic things nobody over
the age of 40 can figure out.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Like what?
Oh you know, like when you...
Oh God he's here.
- Who?
- No, don't look!
He mustn't see me!
What is it, an ex?
Worse, my sworn enemy.
Lady Selyse of the Whispering Woods.
Sir Meryn of Villafont.
I see you've brought your toady with you.
Nuh-uh, I'm not his toady.
Shut up Kevin.
What brings you to this tavern?
Your land ends two leagues south of here.
I have found a new prince!
One who does not fear
your tyrannical reign!
Wait, fear his what?
He looks like no prince that I know.
Yes, he looks more like a princess!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Right, look, I think
it's probably a good idea...
Whoa, what the?
- Oh no.
- What?
Larpers.
I don't understand.
You know D&D?
It's like that, but with
an added dose of crazy.
(CHANTING IN LATIN)
Ah!
You can't do that,
that's a level seven spell.
So?
You don't have the points for that!
I defeated Bolgar
the Horrible last week.
(SCREAMING) Run!
Where were we?
Oh, right, tech support.
Yesterday, my boss called me in,
because he didn't know how to
get rid of the little paperclip guy.
Insane, right?
Yeah.
Help me.
Help me.
Oh, by the stars, what is that I see?
See what?
I do doth declare, a
dragon descends upon us!
Oh, a dragon, is it of
the red or blue flight?
Blue?
Oh, Balerion has
followed me from his lair.
Fear not, I shall vanquish the fiend!
Weep for me should I perish.
Are you okay?
I will never call you a nerd again.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Oh, no.
Okay Drunkles, I think you've had enough.
I can do it.
Present for you.
Don't drink.
You don't know what you're missing.
Well darn.
I was expecting her to say
something enlightening.
So, why don't you drink?
I don't do anything
that poisons my body.
Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, it's all garbage.
I can respect that.
Oh hey no, to each his own.
I'm not gonna judge ya for it.
See that's the thing a lot
of people don't understand.
It's not about telling people that...
[WAITRESS] Here's your burger.
Murderer!
You murder innocent animals you beast!
How do you sleep at night!
Sorry.
Sometimes I just lose it when I see
people eating the flesh
of living creatures.
Yeah, that's totally normal.
Well I think it's commendable
that you don't eat meat.
Yeah, I mean, I think if
more people thought like you,
the world would be a better place.
Absolutely.
- Meat is murder, right?
- Exactly.
If cannibalism is illegal,
why isn't a steak?
That is a totally reasonable comparison.
Don't you agree Melissa?
Yes, Brendan, completely reasonable.
It is such a relief to
find like-minded individuals.
What do you say we
teach the next carnivore
who comes in here a real lesson?
I can see how that is
in no way a bad idea.
What's up guys?
Cody, grab a seat man.
You are gonna love what
Melissa's date has to say.
Oh yeah sure thing,
I just stopped by to get
a bite before I went home.
Oh hey, can I get a burger, rare?
Just chop it off the cow and
throw it on the bun. (LAUGHS)
That's for all the bovine Americans
who can't protect themselves! (LAUGHS)
I'll call ya.
Hey!
I hate you guys.
[BRENDAN NARRATION]
Another date tonight.
As usual, I've got Melissa on standby.
I can't believe you two are
still pullin' this shit man.
What, it's flawless.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, mostly flawless.
You two been doin' this
shit since high school.
And?
And that was 10 years ago.
You ever thought
about just tellin' girls
that you don't want to date them?
It's what they always say to me.
Sure, but you'd be surprised
how often that doesn't work.
Dude, you're takin' this shit too far.
We're not taking it too far.
You go to each other's dates.
Do you know how weird that is?
Only first dates.
That doesn't make it any better.
The dating scene is miserable Zabrina,
I'll take any advantage I can get.
So right.
I went on a date with a guy last week,
and he left because he said I
talked about myself too much.
I mean he's an accountant
and kind of boring,
so I wanted to talk about
something interesting.
You're not helping, Keri.
Look, I don't see what the big deal is.
You pretend to be married.
Not all the time.
- Often enough.
- What's wrong with that?
Aside from the obvious?
It's confusing as hell!
What's so confusing about it?
Aside from the obvious?
It took me three months to
realize you guys weren't married.
See?
Poor Wade can't handle that shit, man.
Lots of people pretend to be married.
Yeah pretend maybe,
but they don't make a lifestyle out of it.
We're not making it a lifestyle.
You're shopping for a ring
for a guy you're not even married to.
So?
It's bad enough you have rings
without buying them for each other.
Alright that was my fault.
I did the schizo wife bit last week,
got a little carried away, I
threw it into someone's soup.
- Maybe that was a sign.
- Sign of what?
That you're losing your damn mind!
If it's a sign, I
think you should take it.
I mean I always listen to
what my horoscope says.
Like this one time I went to New York
because my horoscope said that big things
were gonna happen to me, to meet an agent.
And when they wouldn't see me
I grabbed a street performer's mic
and started singing as loud as I could.
Did they let you in?
No.
But the restraining
order's only temporary,
so I think I'll try again next year.
I don't know what to do with that.
If you guys have such a hard
time trying to find someone,
why don't you just find each other?
Are you kidding?
We've got a good thing going,
I'm not gonna screw that up by dating her.
Oh please.
Do you know how much ass you've missed
because girls figured you were taken?
And you didn't think
to tell them I wasn't?
Are you kidding?
I've gotta get laid too, shit.
Well see I'm doing a community service.
No, community service would
be helping Wade get some.
The last three girls I've asked out
have all been lesbians.
Hey is that a new line?
Or has my gay-dar just sprung a leak?
But why the blog?
I mean isn't it weird that you're telling
the whole world about your little schemes?
It's not the whole world.
20,000 people.
(COUGHS)
20,000?
That's like Rhode Island.
No Wade, it isn't.
Nah, it's fun, and people like it.
I've sent out feelers to a few publishers,
gonna try and make a book out of it.
And you're okay with that?
Why not, it's funny.
You don't think about
what it makes you look like?
You should never worry about
what people think about you.
Because then you'll spend
every hour of every day
wondering if people like you or not,
and then you'll have to go to therapy,
then you'll spend years trying to
break down those barriers until finally
your therapist says he doesn't
wanna talk to you anymore.
How much is this?
Uh, don't worry about it.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey nerd girl.
Hey yourself doughboy.
Did you fix the sink?
Uh yeah, next time don't pour
a whole thing of pancake
batter down there.
Well if you fixed the disposal
it wouldn't be a problem.
We don't have a disposal.
Yes we do, it's the
switch next to the toaster.
That's to the light over the sink.
There is no light over the sink.
Yes there is, there
just isn't a bulb in it.
Oh.
Well then you should put a bulb in it.
Well then you couldn't pretend
that we have an eerily silent disposal.
Okay.
Do we need milk?
Uh, yeah.
And pick up some more cookie dough.
I just made cookies.
Yeah, but Cody and Wade ate them all.
Alright.
Oh and uh, don't forget,
I've got dinner with that girl
from the deli tonight at eight.
Oh, need me there?
Yeah.
Alrighty, see you in a bit.
Alright, bye.
- What?
- What?
I knew from the moment I met you
that you were the one.
There was something in your eyes.
Or your smile! (LAUGHS)
Or your soul!
Oh, maybe that was it.
I saw it in your soul.
My soul, really.
Yes.
When I met you the other day,
there was no doubt about it.
We're gonna be married!
Married?
Yes!
I mean I'm sure of it.
And our first child will be a boy.
You have like this strong
manly quality about you.
So I know it'll be a boy.
And we'll call him Logan.
Logan is such a strong name.
What in the blue hell is going on here?
Melissa, how did you find me?
You penciled your little
whore date into your calendar.
Excuse me!
Brendy, what is going on here?
Brendy?
Only I call him Brendy.
I can explain.
Can you start by explaining
where your wedding ring is?
Wedding ring!
Well, I, see, well really...
I can't believe you would do this to me,
you selfish two-timing man bitch!
When were you gonna
tell me you were married?
Soon.
Well how soon?
Before we were married?
Yes definitely before next week.
Ow!
So, what are we having?
Well she ordered the shrimp pasta.
Damn, I knew I didn't like her.
I feel like chicken.
Well I got the chicken.
Trade?
Trade.
- (LAUGHS)
- Really?
I mean the wine was a bit much.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
(VIDEO GAME GUNSHOTS)
Who's winning?
It's co-op.
Who's winning?
We're on the same team.
Who's winning!
Cody!
But every know and then, you know,
Brendan does manage to shoot something.
It's not my fault I have a job.
Hey, I've got a job.
Yeah, what's that?
Schoolin' your ass.
Ha, nice!
Oh shit!
Catch that, I haven't
gone through that stuff yet.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Expecting something?
Well Melissa is.
She submitted an article
to some science journal.
It's been unbearable waiting to hear back.
Uh, this looks official.
Who's it from?
The state.
Told you to pay your taxes.
It's addressed to
Brendan and Melissa Walker?
Huh?
It's got a seal and everything.
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Walker
on your recent... marriage?
Dude, did you guys get married?
No.
State Department would like to inform you
that your marriage certificate
is now on file with the county,
we wish you all the best in
your common law marriage?
That's not like an
actual marriage, is it?
It's kind of like playing house?
I'm not sure.
Common law marriage.
Is that kind of like gay marriage
except for straight people?
No, it's real.
Common law marriage is when two people
have been living together
for a long ass time
and they act like
they're husband and wife.
How do you know anything...
Look just because my dad
forced me to go to law school
does not mean I slept through it.
That can't be right.
We don't act like we're married.
Dude, are you serious?
Yes.
I mean we joke around but,
we don't act like husband and wife.
Alright, well show me your wedding ring.
- What?
- Your ring, let's see it.
Okay, but you know it's not real.
Well how many people out
there think that it is?
Maybe one or two.
Dude, did you not think there were
gonna be questions when
you buy yourself a ring
and started wearing it around?
I didn't buy myself a ring.
Oh, don't tell me.
She bought it for me.
Holy shit!
You're really married!
Melissa is not gonna
be happy about this.
Dude Melissa's not the one
you should be worried about.
What?
Who are you texting right now?
Now, the whole process of turning coal
into a diamond doesn't happen overnight.
It takes thousands and thousands of years
of heat and pressure to occur.
What if Superman did it?
Superman has laser
eyes, that'd be cheating.
Well, what if the Hulk was in a sauna?
Are you serious?
Do you know what kind of damage the Hulk
could create in an
enclosed space like that?
You're married?
I'll be right back.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Did you hear that?
Who do you think it is?
Is it that guy?
Zabrina, what are you doing?
It's not fair.
I was supposed to be your maid of honor.
Now I'm just a maid.
I have no honor, Melissa.
Who did you talk to?
Cody called me.
I can't believe you
got married without me!
I'm not married!
Okay, I'm married, but
I didn't get married!
To Brendan?
Yes, no!
This is all one big mistake.
A mistake is wearing two
different colored socks.
I don't know what this is.
Well, join the club.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was hoping I wouldn't have to.
Look, we're gonna talk to Cody's dad today
and see if we can get out of this.
Okay.
But are you sure this is what you want?
'Course I'm sure,
why wouldn't I be sure?
It's just that I know
how you feel about him.
Isn't this what you wanted?
Yes, but not like this.
But this is perfect.
All we have to do is just slip in
a few hints here and there,
or wear something sexy
around the apartment.
Zabrina.
Or walk around naked, even better!
I am not going to walk around naked.
Why not?
You're allowed to.
He's your husband.
He's my husband, but to
him, I'm just a friend.
Wait, aren't you supposed
to be at work right now?
Are you kidding?
I was out of the door the
minute Cody called me.
And you're not worried
about being fired?
No, not with the photos I
have of my boss and her intern.
Z...
What, I mean,
other than having that
image burned in my brain,
it's the best thing that
ever happened to me.
What did I say?
I don't know how you two managed it,
but this is the real deal.
You're husband and wife.
This cannot be happening!
We weren't even in Vegas!
Or drunk.
It's not that bad.
Common law marriage has
all the same benefits.
And besides, you can have a
ceremony for friends and family.
We're not engaged!
Not anymore, no.
We never were engaged.
Are you sure?
I'm fairly certain I'd remember.
Look, how do we get out of this?
You could have a divorce,
just like any other marriage.
Divorce, no, no no no.
I can't get divorced before I turn 30.
You can wait a few years.
My mom's gonna kill me.
She's gonna string me
up and flay me alive.
I thought your mom liked me.
That's why she's going to kill me.
You met my brother-in-law,
I cannot get divorced before my sister.
Here, take that.
Is this a pardon?
No it's Cody's rent check.
Don't give it to him until
he gets you out of this.
You're asking us to put
our lives in Cody's hands?
I mean no offense, but...
He's a complete screw up, maybe.
But if he thinks I'm cuttin' him off,
he'll get off his ass.
Do you think he can handle it?
The boy may be lazy,
but he can handle just about
anything if he sets his mind to it.
It'll be okay, he'll help us out.
I don't doubt his
friendship, just his drive.
Can't you hack his
Warcraft account until we...
Until...
Brendan why is there rice
on the living room floor?
Um.
Because it's your wedding!
Surprise!
Oh!
Hey.
People throw grains of rice, not bags.
Yeah, that's be a bitch to clean up.
We're considerate.
Funny, not the word I was thinking.
(LAUGHING) Alright you two.
There'll be plenty of time for
you love birds to bicker later.
Right now we've got to do this up proper.
- We're not...
- Wade, hold his ass down.
Can't have you hurtin' yourself.
Besides, you'll thank us later.
Or maybe now.
(ELECTRIC DANCE MUSIC)
Now, Brendan, it occurred to us
that you got married without
having a bachelor party.
I never got married.
Technicality.
We aim to remedy the hell
out of that situation.
Woo, yeah!
Guys, this really isn't necessar....
On the other hand I know
how much it means to you.
Yeah, I thought you might.
You're cute.
I uh, thank you?
Shame you're taken though.
Oh no, I'm actually not.
They all say that.
Okay, married or not,
you can't keep her.
Aw, pretty please?
And you might wanna see some
ID before that bra comes off.
- (LAUGHING)
- That's pretty funny, huh?
Brendan getting molested? Oh yeah.
Well, that's not all.
It's a two for one deal.
Yeah.
Cooped up in that school
with those kids all day?
- You need this.
- Yeah! (LAUGHING)
And so do I.
Oh no, not you again.
Oh, look who it is.
Turner and douche, still
runnin' from the feds?
Shouldn't you be mixing up
a roofie-colada about now?
Yeah, I got your
roofie-colada right here.
So how do you take it, shaken or stirred?
Strained through a rusty colander.
Oh come on baby,
I know you're ready for the whole package.
I'd rather return it for a gift card.
Yeah whatever, I know
you're a science teacher.
You ready for your anatomy lesson?
Alright alright that's
enough debauchery, let's go.
Aw, but I've been good all year.
Buh-bye.
Aw, can we bring the girl back?
[CODY] No.
Aw, but I've never met a stripper
who didn't have cigarette burns.
[MELISSA] Down boy.
[CODY] Oh wait wait, I've
got a sack full of pennies.
No, they charge by the hour.
(VIOLIN PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)
Evidently there's a
violinist behind our couch.
(MELISSA SNICKERING)
Oh, sorry.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We are gathered here today
to celebrate the death of Brendan Walker
and Melissa Clark's ability to get laid.
Woo!
Does anyone object?
- Yes.
- Yes!
No? Fantastic!
- Brendan, do you?
- No.
- Melissa, do you?
- No.
That's awesome.
I know pronounce you guys man and wife.
Get you some.
Yeah, no.
Come on man, back in caveman days,
you club her over the
head and you're married.
A smooch isn't too much to ask for.
I am not going to kiss him.
Melissa, everyone's watching.
That's kind of the point.
I gotta do everything around here.
There, you two are married.
And Z and I are I think
cousins or something,
I dunno how that works.
Yeah, so are we done?
Done? No way.
You still have the reception.
And the dancing.
Cake!
And the sex.
Oh is the girl coming back?
Yeah, I don't think you're
gonna have time for that.
And why is that?
Because you're on the clock.
What's that?
Your rent check.
I don't live here.
No, you live in a much nicer apartment.
With much higher rent.
With rent that's paid by your father.
And we just so happen to be
in possession of that rent check.
But...
Yeah, you'll get it after
you finalize our divorce.
Congratulations, you just
got your first clients.
Better get to work on that,
it's almost the first of the month.
In the meantime, I need to get to work.
Whoever wants pizza, follow me.
(PLAYFUL VIOLIN MUSIC)
But I like pizza too.
(SAD VIOLIN MUSIC)
Oh, shut up.
She just bailed on you?
Not only did she leave me
with an apartment I can't afford,
but she still owes me two months rent.
Ouch.
Anything you can do about it?
I do know where her boyfriend lives,
so if all else fails, I
can run her down in my car.
Vehicular manslaughter?
I know, I'm going soft.
So uh, any word on your article?
No.
Four to six weeks, my ass.
At this point I'm just waiting
for the rejection letter.
Oh, you can't think of it like that.
I mean, as a singer, I
always deal with rejection.
You just have to keep trying.
Thanks Carrie.
Yeah even if they tell you
they never want to see you again.
Well I submitted through the mail, so...
Even if they cut you off in the
middle of your song right
before your big finish.
Well, that doesn't really apply in my...
Just tell them to
stick it if they tell you
that you're a no-talent hack and
you should move to Antarctica
so that nobody has to hear you again.
So.
Keri?
How was your audition today?
Oh.
I mean it took them five minutes
to call security this time,
so I think I'm wearing them down.
(SIGHS) This is messed up man.
I mean, this changes everything.
It doesn't change anything, Wade.
I mean, we're supposed
to be wingmen together.
If we're both wingmen,
who's getting laid?
You know, the wingman.
Dude, I don't think you
know how that works at all.
Besides, Melissa's always been my wingman.
Not anymore.
Your wife's not gonna
help you cheat on her.
And it wouldn't be cheating,
because we're not together.
But you're married.
Only technically.
Technically's good
enough. I won the pool.
What pool?
You know, for how long
until you guys got together.
You guys were taking bets on
if Melissa and I would hook up?
- No, of course.
- Good.
We were betting on when.
(WADE LAUGHING)
We're going Brendan, see you at home.
Alright, see ya.
Bye, see you guys later!
Oh my God!
Are you alright?
- Here.
- I'm fine.
Ouch.
Um, look, I've got some
bandages in my car.
If you want I could fix that up for you.
No, it's alright.
If I bleed to death from a small scratch
I shouldn't be allowed
to survive and procreate.
Melissa Clark, right?
Yes, have we met?
Jake Russell?
We went to high school together.
You sat in front of me in AP physics.
Oh, hi!
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I would've spent my time
in that class with my head in a book.
Oh I remember.
It was always nice when you looked up.
Oh my God, I said that out loud, didn't I?
You did.
I didn't realize I was catch
a glimpse material back then.
Uh, yeah!
Look this might be a
little out of the blue,
but would you like to
get something to eat?
I actually just ate.
Oh, right.
Well, how 'bout a drink then?
I probably shouldn't.
You're married, right?
No!
Yes, no, I...
Kind of?
Kind of?
You know how someone marries a friend
in order to get him a visa?
Oh yeah.
Well it's nothing like
that, but it's close.
You haven't changed a bit.
Well, it was good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
(LAUGHING)
Look, since you won't
let me get you a drink,
at least let me patch you up.
I don't want you to remember me
as the guy who left you with a bloody arm.
I suppose you could do that.
I mean it was your fault after all.
Oh, entirely.
(MELISSA LAUGHS)
[MRS. WALKER] I can't believe you
didn't tell me you got married.
[BRENDAN] Yes mom, I should've told you.
I had to find out on Facebook.
On Facebook!
I'm sorry!
Cody changed my relationship status.
I'll kill him later.
That's not the point.
I should have been your first call.
Well, my first call was to Cody's dad.
- To Cody's...
- Because he's a lawyer, mom.
I didn't want this.
It just sort of happened.
Oh God.
What?
She's pregnant isn't she?
What, no!
Brendan how many times have
I told you to use a condom?
Ugh, no mom.
Just no.
- I'm serious.
- So am I.
I did not sleep with Melissa.
Well good, she's a nice girl,
and doesn't deserve to get
knocked up because you're careless.
I agree.
Thank you for the vote of confidence.
I just worry, that's all.
I know.
But Melissa's not pregnant.
We're not really married.
And the 17 girls I have knocked up
all think my name is Eduardo.
So I think I'm pretty safe there.
Honey you don't even
look like an Eduardo.
That's why I have the fake
mustache and bag of cocaine.
Just as long as you're
aware. I love you.
I love you too mom.
We need to take him in
for a little snip snip,
what do you say?
(DOG WHINES)
God I hate the internet.
(KNOCKING)
Why?
(KNOCKING)
Hey man, I've got some good news, and...
You've been smothered to death, great.
(BRENDAN GROANING)
What?
(BRENDAN GROANING)
What?
Ow!
What was that for!
Facebook.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Anyway, good news?
Oh yeah, turns out, the
sanctity of marriage is dead.
That might be the most depressing
good news I've heard all day.
No seriously, do you realize how many
people are getting divorced these days?
It's kind of ridiculous.
So you can do it?
Dude a blind goat with a
broken typewriter can do it.
But can you do it?
Piece of cake.
But there is something you guys
can do to make my job easier.
Yeah, what's that?
One of you needs to move out.
What?
It'll be easier to
prove you aren't married
if you aren't living together.
Serious?
See if you're still living together,
then they might shoot
it down on the grounds
that you're still white-washing her fence.
Oh come on man, we never...
Yeah I know, but tell it to the jury.
If there is a jury.
I haven't gotten that far yet.
I've been living with Melissa
since we graduated high school.
It was just assumed that
we'd always be roommates.
Can't even a remember a
time not living with her.
I'm sorry dude but, if
you want this divorce,
something's gotta change.
Yeah, right.
Can I have food now?
No.
Melissa!
(SQUEALING IN HAPPINESS)
(LAUGHING)
(SHOUTING IN HAPPINESS)
Well someone's in a good mood.
I did it, I did it!
Ugh!
Well congratulations on your... sex?
No!
My article got accepted.
Oh, oh that is awesome!
I know!
Now finally I'll have something published
I can force my students to read.
I thought you said you hated it
when your professors made you do that.
Yeah, but they were old and stuffy.
I'm young and hip.
And, you have boobs.
So did Dr. Baumgartner,
but mine haven't been
around since World War II.
So what does your dad have to say?
I haven't talked to him yet.
I figure since we're married,
you get first dibs on the juicy tidbits.
Oh, yeah I guess that makes sense.
So, did Cody find anything out?
Yeah.
Uh, he said he can handle it.
Okay, good.
There's just...
Well there's one little problem.
What's that?
Us living together.
What?
He says it's going to
be hard to prove that
we're not in a relationship if
we're still living together.
We can't be roommates?
Well I don't know, maybe.
But I mean with Cody lawyering it up?
We can't be roommates.
Well if you want to keep the apartment,
I can try and find a new place.
No, no, no no, it's fine.
I'll move out.
Zabrina needs a roommate, I
can stay with her if necessary.
Great.
Everything works out then.
Is this what you want?
What?
Me moving out.
It's not what I want, but...
But this is how you want
to handle the situation.
Look Cody's not really
an expert or anything, so...
I know, but, if you want
me to stay, I'll stay.
Well, this is just like our best option
if we wanna get out of this marriage.
Okay, I'll go see if Zabrina
wants me to move in with her.
Why don't you just call her?
I should go.
Well, don't forget your
letter, you're gonna wanna...
(WISTFUL GUITAR MUSIC)
I watched the cars go by
And I can't help my wandering mind
I have to wonder if you might be
Riding by the driver's side
And it's a sign and a hopeful thought
But I don't think that you forgot
About how much I loved
just driving you around
But you insisted on your leaving
Which to me was not appealing
Although I know you
only live in the next town
And if only you lived with me
Then I think that you could see
Just how perfect our
lives together would be
If only I could give you more
Although I'm not fully sure
What exactly I was
lacking from the start
If only I could understand
Why I felt our two piece band
Was consisting of a banjo and a harp
Why it was was consisting
of a banjo and a harp
I wish could turn
back this humid weather
And maybe bring us back together
Back when we were freezing
walking through the park
With my arm over your shoulder
It couldn't have been any colder
But I can feel the warmth
exuding from your heart
Yes those were better times
I had a lighter heart and a clearer mind
When broken glass couldn't harm my feet
And everything felt so complete
But things have changed and so have you
And now I'm treading without boots
You'd be surprised how much
the hollow heart pollutes
Your love was like the heavy rain
And when it all poured
out it finally felt the same
'Cause I never thought these showers
could ever come to an end
But I never knew that you'd affect me
I never knew that you'd select me
I never knew how much
the hollow heart could ache
What do you say, pick you up at 8?
Well that's the last of the big stuff.
And that should be
the last of the boxes.
Oh, what's in this?
Science books.
What, carved out of stone?
Just the geology ones.
What's in this?
Paperbacks.
I have a lot of paperbacks.
You know, we'll take the truck over,
and muscles here can start unloading.
No respect.
Well I guess that's everything.
Yeah.
Oh um.
You know it's just not gonna be
the same around here without you.
It's not gonna be the
same anywhere without you.
You remember how we first met?
Yeah, freshman year of
high school, spirit week.
What was it, future day?
Uh, decade day.
I just picked the 2040s.
Oh right, everybody was dressed up like
a greaser or a hippie and you were
walking around like you were the Tin Man.
I just thought the guy on
the Santa Monica Pier
was ahead of his time.
And you made the same
bad joke back then too.
You forgot to dress up,
and you came in and had to
borrow my silver hair paint
and join the robot revolution.
Yep.
Took forever to get that out.
Small price to pay for
a keen fashion sense.
Did you ever give that back?
Oh I didn't tell you that part?
I don't think so.
Did you lose it?
Not quite.
I was too afraid to talk to you again.
Why?
Thought you were cute.
Really?
Yep.
I spent two weeks avoiding you
until you caught me in the
cafeteria and we got to talking.
I didn't give it back to you
because I was too embarrassed.
Wow.
I'm glad Cody broke his arm. (LAUGHING)
What?
Cody broke his arm skateboarding,
so he didn't show up that day.
I was scanning the room for
a familiar face, saw you.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
(PHONE BUZZING)
You should get that.
Sorry, I uh...
Don't get emotional on me now.
It's not that, I just...
I should go.
I mean they're moving all my stuff,
lord knows where it's going to end up.
I mean, I'll talk to you later.
You uh.
Hi mom.
Yeah can I call you back?
To new beginnings.
New beginnings.
So you're starting over as an alcoholic?
Just for tonight.
Thought the bottle looked low.
It's actually bottle number two.
I suppose it's been one of those weeks.
One of those weeks
implies a sense of normalcy.
This was not the week from hell,
this was the week from the resort
that Satan decides to go to when
he feels hell's getting a little soft.
I guess that's fair enough.
But no more.
Tomorrow's a new day.
No more letters telling
me that I'm married,
no more having to move all
my stuff out of my apartment
because some idiot made a clerical error.
No more wine.
Starting tomorrow.
Hey, I got a call from
a literary agent today.
He's read the blog,
and he wants to meet with me
about a possible book deal for...
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONE BUZZING)
Oh!
Either this is payback,
or you take reconnecting literally.
Jake, hi.
Hey.
Uh, if you're just gonna lay there,
I feel like I should buy you dinner first.
Unless you're still trying to
figure out if you're married?
Oh, no, no, this was
a big misunderstanding.
I'm so sorry.
It's alright.
I'm training for Rugby season,
so the contact is good.
Really?
Well, no, but it's manlier than saying
I've gotten a little
soft around the edges.
Nothing wrong about admitting
you've put on a few pounds.
Oh, so you're saying
I've gotten a little fat?
Just around the edges.
Then it must be true.
Especially if you confused
me for part of the track.
Hey, in my defense,
you are wearing black.
Oh, and that is the one
characteristic of a track.
It's an easy mistake to make.
Good, I'm glad you see things my way.
Oh yeah absolutely,
nothing but turquoise and fuschia for me.
That'll make you stand out.
Unless you're at a drag show,
in which case you'd fit right in.
Perfect, that's where
I was going tonight.
Really?
No. (LAUGHS)
Unless you happen to know of a good one.
That's open on a Sunday, not likely.
Well darn.
But, do you, um...
do you have any plans tonight?
Wait, do I what?
Are you doing anything tonight?
I'm asking you on a date.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome?
Was that a yes?
I'm not really sure.
I've had a really rough week.
Look I'm not looking to
run the bulls or anything.
How 'bout you just come over to my place
and we'll watch a movie or something?
Yeah, yeah, that would be nice.
But if running the bulls is
your idea of a go-to date,
I don't see this working out.
Well that's probably a good thing.
You know bulls are so hard
to come by these days.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Seriously?
Ah man, fair game, your shoes are on.
It's nice to know
we're still in college.
Hey the rules never die.
Why are you here?
Oh I got some papers for you.
That was fast.
Are you kidding me?
Getting a divorce around here
is easier than seeing tits at Mardi Gras.
Now sign that shit so I can get paid.
Well?
I just feel like I'm signing
away more than a marriage.
Relax.
If I was bargaining your soul,
you'd be signing in blood.
That's not what I meant.
Yeah I know, but this
doesn't change anything.
You're still friends,
you're still gonna spend
way too much time together.
Everything'll go back to how it was.
Yeah, maybe.
Come on, what's gonna change?
Oh, he is cute.
It's funny, I barely
remember him from high school.
Change.
Yeah, sometimes people do.
No your clothes, change them.
What, why?
Too girl next door.
Didn't he date Fiona Abrams?
[MELISSA] Maybe, I don't remember.
Yeah, yeah he did.
She got the lead in the
musical junior year.
And senior year.
And I played a broom.
Do you know how hard it
is to be taken seriously
when you have the word
broom on your resume?
Wait, I know you are not still using
high school plays on your resume.
Oh, no, of course not.
Good.
I said it was a national tour.
[MELISSA] Keri!
You know they can check that, right?
Well at least I'm not
blackmailing my boss.
That's because my boss is a...
Bitch do you even know
how to dress for a date?
What?
Walk back in that room and put on
a cute top and some jeans
or I will dress you myself.
But that's what I always wear.
Exactly.
So dress like yourself and
stop trying so damn hard.
Alright, alright.
You two make being a
friend a full-time job.
(SIGHS)
Come on, man.
You have to come out with us tonight.
I don't know.
After the week I've had...
You deserve to go to the club and find
an incredibly hot chick and
bang the shit out of her.
I was going to say sleep, actually.
You can do that afterwards.
See, there is no downside to this.
Gonorrhea, there, downside.
Nobody gets gonorrhea these days,
that was like the 1800s.
Yeah I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Besides I've got the interview tomorrow.
Whatever, look, you're coming.
Why are you so intent
on me getting laid?
'Cause, I want to get laid.
And there is no chance of that happening
if I have to babysit Wade all night.
It's not that bad.
Look.
He's trying to pick up the
girl in the corner booth.
What, she's cute.
She's with her dad, man.
Well, she at least looks legal.
Not the point, the man has no game.
I can't be saddled with him
all night if I want to get any.
I don't know.
I was going to go celebrate with Melissa,
but she's got plans.
Plans?
I didn't ask.
I heard Sabrina giggling
in the background though.
Well that's never good.
All right, well, if the girls
are gonna have their fun,
then we need to have ours.
Okay fine, I'll go,
just lemme take care of
this one last delivery and
then I'll meet you guys there.
Good.
I see that went well.
Yeah, apparently, that's her dad.
Oh, that wasn't obvious?
Thought she had older friends.
Still, interrupting dinner?
Not the best way to
make a good impression.
Well, go get cleaned up buddy.
We got some getting laid to do.
Yeah!
Uh-uh, no, yeah.
You see what I gotta deal with, man?
Gosh. (SIGHS)
Wish I could say I got
into psychiatry because of
some deep-rooted desire
to help people, but no.
I just kind of fell into it.
How do you fall into
something like that?
Wandered into the wrong class,
thought it was cool, decided to stay.
So you do what you do because
you have a terrible sense of direction.
More or less, yeah.
Well, to each his own.
Well how 'bout you?
How did you get into teaching?
I like rocks.
Uh, okay. (LAUGHS)
As a kid I was fascinated with rocks.
I'd dig 'em up, break 'em open,
look at all the cool bits inside.
My dad thought I was a little slow
until I started asking him questions
about where it all came from,
and he didn't have any answers
beyond shit just clumps up.
Sounds scientific.
I know, right?
So he took me to the library,
and instead of getting
Babysitter Club books,
I was reading about geology.
And this is at a time
when For Dummies books
were meant for people who didn't
know a computer from an Etch-A-Sketch,
so I was reading books from
the Truman Administration.
Wow, and you understood all that?
Not really.
I read all the books,
I thought they were
the coolest thing ever,
but I had no idea what
any of the words meant.
So my dad started reading them with me.
As far as father daughter activities go,
it was a bit unusual,
but it was what we had.
And the teaching part?
Wanted to share my interest.
I figured high school
students love the fine art
of breaking stuff up and
poking what's inside.
(LAUGHS) Also noble.
It's just another form of therapy.
What?
Just really glad I ran
into you the other day.
(WHISTLES)
Hey, how much do I owe you?
Um, nothin'.
On the house.
Okay.
Hmm.
Stop me if you've heard
this one before, all right?
All right, so anyway, I
come back to the pool,
I says, it is my foot!
(LAUGHING)
I swear to God, true story,
that actually happened.
Thank God you're here.
Why, what's wrong?
Wade! It's worse than I thought.
Alright, now, everybody, one tap,
two taps, three taps,
oh behave! (LAUGHING)
Now keep your eyes on the deck.
That's not your card,
that's not your card.
That's not your card!
Oh yeah, looks like he's
sinking faster than the Titanic.
For the love of God man, look at him!
Your card, it's not even here.
At all.
Card tricks?
He's playing card tricks!
Well it seems to be working!
See, your card is right here!
[WOMAN] Oh my God, how'd you do that?
This is a travesty, man.
Why, because you
didn't think of it first?
Yes!
I thought card tricks were for
creepy old men on the subway.
This?
This destroys everything
I knew about the game.
Oh, you knew a lot about game, did you?
I could've written a book.
But this?
This is an abomination.
There is nothing cool about it.
I think you've overestimated
the power of cool.
No, because that
would imply I was wrong,
and I don't like that.
Well, good luck figuring that out.
I'm getting a drink.
Hey, what can I get'cha?
Tequila.
Married life that good, huh?
Plaid skirt, tiny bra?
Oh, um, sorry, I didn't recognize you.
With clothes on?
Well, that and no one's
holding me down and cheering.
It was less a bachelor party
and more eighth grade with boobs.
Well that'll give me a
frightening image next time I work.
Eh, that's what I'm here for.
I think you owe me a drink for that.
Fair enough.
One more?
- I'm Brendan.
- Tiffany.
(GROANS)
So how exactly did Cody find you?
You look like you have much
better taste than that.
We went to law school together.
Really?
You look surprised.
Well it's just that you
were a naughty school girl,
not naughty paralegal.
Not yet.
I'm still job hunting.
So, what are you doing at a bar?
Shouldn't you be honeymooning somewhere?
I'm not really married.
Yeah, you said that.
Meant it.
But the state disagrees,
so I've got a nice little
piece of paper that says I am.
So who's the girl?
Best friend.
Did you two ever...
Ever?
You know, hook up.
No.
She was my wingman.
I don't see her here tonight.
Yeah well, other plans.
And you?
And me?
What are your plans?
Everything okay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just expected you to be more excited.
No.
I'm fine.
Wait, wait.
I uh, I can't do this.
Looks like you can.
No, I mean, I can.
I don't want to.
I think I'm in love with my wife.
Alright, goggles on.
Alrighty, get crackin'.
Melissa.
- Goggles!
- What?
Did I just walk in on a felony?
We're saving that for the final.
Oh good.
So, how are you?
Heard you had a good night last night.
What?
I talked to Cody.
Oh goodie.
Yep, and he told me you
went home with Boobs McGee.
Yeah, about that.
No it's okay, really.
It's not like I can call
it cheating or anything.
Oh, nothing happened.
Sure it didn't.
It's okay, really.
I actually met a guy,
if you can believe it.
Yeah, I uh, I can.
Jake Russell, the nicest guy.
He went to high school with us.
You don't say.
It's really nice to have
something normal for a change.
I don't even think I'm gonna
need you to bail me out of this one.
Are you sure?
'Cause I'd be more than
happy to get you out.
We can go over the codes now...
Don't worry about me.
I'm gonna give this one a chance.
Is now really the best time for that?
I mean, you're still married.
Do you really want a guy who would
take advantage of a married woman?
We're not really married,
Brendan, you know that.
Oh, I should probably get back in there.
Today would be a really
bad day for a mishap.
Yeah, well, no, it would.
Well hey, when's your meeting?
I'm heading there now.
Don't tell me you came
here for a pep talk.
No!
I'm all good.
On pep.
Are you alright?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I'll uh, I'll catch you later.
[MAN] And they're all true?
Yeah.
For better or worse,
that's been my love life
over the last decade.
Tell me about this
friend of yours, Melissa?
Uh, yeah.
What do you want to know?
Well, how did all this start?
Homecoming, in high school.
I was with this transfer student
who had been there all of a week.
Hardly knew her, but she was cute.
She spent two hours going on about
how much prettier she was
than everyone else there.
Melissa saw how miserable I was,
and stormed over pretending
to be my knocked up ex.
Got slapped twice, but it was so worth it.
Wait a minute, you knocked her up?
No, God no.
Why not, she ugly?
No, far from it.
Well then, why not?
Well because I decided a long time ago
that I wasn't gonna risk
losing my best friend.
(LAUGHING)
What?
Son, that's the biggest load
of horseshit I heard all day,
and I met with a senator.
Oh come on.
Look, I like you.
I think your stories are
gonna make a great book.
But when a guy with your dating history
says he's afraid of risk?
Just doesn't fit.
At this point the only risk is
you're waiting to long to make your move.
Alright, let's talk business.
We'll set you up with someone
in legal to draw up the contracts.
We'll find a copy editor for you,
and we need to talk about cover materials.
Um, I'm sorry.
I need to go.
No, no, come on!
Suck it, nerd boy!
How's this possible,
you've never even played this game before.
Some of us don't need
practice to frag like a pro.
Brendan, you would not
believe what just happened.
Girls can be gamers too.
Women's lib, bitch.
Doesn't mean you can still beat me.
You know I'm king, tell her.
Tell her!
I'm in love with Melissa.
Goddamn it!
Really?
Yes really.
I'll have you know I was the
only one that stood by you,
said it wasn't gonna happen.
You disappoint me, sir.
Ow!
(BRENDON LAUGHS)
Oh!
That's for taking your
sweet time figuring it out.
Well how was I supposed to know?
How were you...
Are you completely stupid?
Sometimes, yes.
Over 10 years!
All you had to do was say something,
make one move, and you would've had her!
Come on, that's not true.
Yes it is.
I would've known.
You didn't want to know,
you just wanted a friend to be there
for you and help you get laid.
You saw what you wanted to see.
Well, now maybe I wanna
see somethin' different.
- Now?
- Yes.
After she's already moved out,
after she found a decent guy?
I admit, my timing is less than perfect.
Understatement, meet Brendan.
I'm serious.
I love her.
(ZABRINA SIGHS)
You know I'm your friend, right?
Yes?
Then know it comes from
my heart when I tell you
that if you hurt her,
I'll kill you.
Gotcha.
They won't find your body.
Won't need to.
Looks like I'm gonna need
another roommate, again.
I just need a little
more time to figure out
how I'm going to tell her.
I tried, but it didn't go so well.
Okay.
Well just have her hold
off on signing the papers.
The papers?
The divorce papers.
Oh right, yeah, those papers, yeah okay.
- Cody?
- Yes?
Has she signed the papers?
No, you know me, I'm too
lazy to be on top of that.
(BOTH LAUGH)
But hypothetically
speaking, what if she did?
Why would you do that?
Well because up until two minutes ago,
that's what you wanted!
And I also kind of want my rent check.
Okay.
This is not a problem.
Just don't file them.
You haven't filed them yet, have you?
- No.
- Good.
She was gonna do that.
What?
She took them with her,
said she was gonna drop them off
on her way home from school.
Oh, fantastic.
You got time, if you leave
now, you'd be able to make it.
Thanks.
Where is that, exactly?
(BELL RINGING)
I got it.
Doin' it.
Well, I wondered when I'd see you again.
You.
Hello Brendy.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I work here, silly.
Friend of yours?
Is this your latest harlot?
We had a date, one date.
Why only one date, I mean,
she is cute enough for at least two.
Yeah but her cute's got
nothin' on her crazies.
Oh, sure, call me crazy just because
you weren't ready for a commitment.
You were talking
marriage on our first date!
So were you!
Yes, but not to you.
No, no, not to me!
When you went and threw
away everything we had,
I went home, drew myself a
nice long hot bubble bath,
poured myself a glass of wine,
and then saw a link on my
newsfeed to a certain blog,
maybe you've heard of it?
Much Ado About Ditching?
Imagine my surprise when I realized
that the latest post was about me.
Me!
Uh oh.
You were never really married.
No, not in the strictest sense.
As it turns out,
I was in just the position
to help you out with that.
Wait, you did this?
Yeah.
If you're gonna go around
telling everyone you're married,
I figured somewhere deep down inside,
it's what you really want.
Shit.
The crazy bitch has a point.
Thank you.
Did Melissa file the papers yet?
Who?
My wife.
Oh, her.
Yeah, she has, actually.
Well can you un-file them?
No, sorry.
It's a little bit late for that.
Wait how is it too late?
She still needs a court
date with the judge.
Not if you're lucky
enough to know someone
who can get you in right away.
Especially when the whole thing
was just a big mistake to begin with.
Dammit.
She was with a really cute guy, too.
Where is she?
Hmm.
Well?
Court house is just
down the street, man.
(SQUEAKING NOISES)
I wouldn't do that.
Because the police are
about to get tipped off
about two suspicious young gentlemen
and a little hussy with
a really bad boob job.
Touch that phone and
it's going up your ass.
Right.
(SCREAMING)
You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
You broke my nail!
Cody, rent check.
Where are we even going?
Hey, it's Rumpledouchek...
- How did he get here?
- I don't know.
So, your honor, this is
really just a big mistake.
Stop.
- Brendan.
- What is the meaning of this?
There's been a mistake.
Yes, this young lady
was just explaining that.
No, not that.
I mean, well, yes that was a mistake,
but it's a mistake that should've
happened a long time ago.
Wait, aren't you the pizza guy?
Yeah, hey, Brendan, nice to meet you.
Didn't we have senior english together?
Yes, Jake, we did.
Not really the point right now.
Brendan what are you doing here,
I'm taking care of it.
I don't want you to take care of it.
You don't?
No, I'm an idiot.
I don't know why it's taken a
fake marriage for me to see it
but I can't spend the rest
of my life without you.
I'm sure Jake's a nice guy
and all, but this is me.
You know me better than anyone else.
And with the exception of about
one minorly important thing,
shit this sounded so
much better in my head.
You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
And I'm sorry it took me
so long to realize it.
I love you Melissa.
Will you stay married to me?
Was the knee too much?
Nah.
You had me at, "I'm an idiot." (LAUGHS)
Yes, you had me there too.
Hey uh, your honor.
You know as their lawyer,
I would like to request that
the proceedings be thrown out.
Yes, I gathered that.
Oh cool, so we're good here?
Almost.
Bailiff, take this young man into custody.
What, why?
I promised your father
that I'd be hard on you
the first time you
appeared in my courtroom.
Since I've only briefly been
blessed by your appearance,
I'm low on options.
Yeah but you need grounds for that, huh?
Improper attire.
Yeah, fair enough.
As for you two,
would you like me to hold onto
this paperwork for a later date?
I think we'll be okay.
(UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC)
I took the good and took the bad
And everything that's in between
I saw silver linin' in
even my darkest dreams
But I did it all alone
Never know that I was incomplete
And you never knew you'd
be the better half of me
You pick me up
Lay me down
I will never, no I'll
never leave you baby
It's not where I end or you begin
No no baby
It's where we blend
Trace my mouth and learn it well
For the day I'm gone again
Keep my name on your tongue
Like yours is on my skin
Gonna lay my burdens down
And trade them in for steady hands
Studyin' one or more by the river band
All I need
I shall not want
All I need
I shall not want
I will never, no I'll
never leave you baby
It's not where I end or you begin
No no baby
It's where we blend
Let another year go by
Watchin' as the seasons go
We'll stay young and pure
while the world grows old
And I will kiss you when you wake
At night I'll kiss your heavy eyes
And I will keep you safe
from the world outside
I'll pick you up
And lay you down
I'll pick you up
And lay you down
I will never, no I'll
never leave you baby
It's not where I end or you begin
No no baby
It's where we blend
[BRENDAN] Much Ado About
Ditching blog entry 108.
I'm starting to think that
the dating pool has run dry.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Oh hell, I don't love myself
And I like you even less, oh well
I guess it's just as well
Now go on and save yourself
I had some feelings
darling, now I think I'm dead
You keep that brand new car
and the thoughts in your head
Just like my time with
you, me and all my friends
Were wasted
Give me some help help help
I need your help help help
I want help help help
I need your help
Shut up
I don't love no one
And maybe I left my body
And my skin's just warm
There is no reason
darling for another breath
Throw out those useless
words or keep them in your head
Just like your point of
view, me and all my friends
Are wasted
Somebody help help help
I need your help help help
I want help help help
I need your help
I had some feelings
darling now I think I'm dead
You keep the brand new car
and the thoughts in your head
Just like my time with
you, me and all my friends
Were wasted
I need your help
Help help help
Help help help
Help help help
I need your help
So what's up girl, you come here often?
That depends.
Give me both your lines, and
I'll pick the one I like best.
Huh?
Nobody who genuinely wants to know
if you're a regular asks
if you come here often.
So you've obviously got lines
ready for both yes and no.
Let's hear 'em.
Oh, um, I should...
You're not gonna get into
any panties with that one!
Alright, say I do come here often.
Nah, that's not true,
I'd recognize that ass anywhere.
Yeah, see, I'm sitting.
In a stool.
With a back.
So you don't improvise
well but my ass thanks you.
Does that mean...
Oh hold on Casanova.
Let's hear the other line first.
Ask me again.
You come here often?
Nope.
You want to?
Pardon?
You want to come often?
Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work.
Ah trust me, it works.
And we're not referring
to the same it, are we?
So what do you say, you
wanna get out of here?
Wow, jumping right to it.
Oh come on, I saw you
checkin' out the guns.
You know you want to
see the whole package.
Yeah, has anyone ever told you
you're good at reading people?
- Nope.
- I can't see why not.
I don't read much.
Oh, right.
I mean, what good did reading ever do?
You don't get to the top
burying your nose in a book.
Nah you gotta work for it.
That's why I'm in the gym
two hours a day every day.
You want to be the best,
you gotta look the best.
Okay, um.
This goes back to are you
gonna believe what you see,
or what I tell you?
Okay, I'm really sorry.
This is mostly just to
go bail out my friend.
Maybe...
Nah.
I mean shit, if Shakespeare
would've done a little P90X,
maybe he wouldn't have been so gay.
We gotta get out of here!
What happened to you?
Who's this douche dick?
My husband.
You want me to get rid of him for you?
Melissa, we've gotta go, now!
Why, what happened?
They found us, I don't
know how, but they found us!
What the hell's he talking about?
You don't mean, they?
Yes! I think I killed one of... they!
What?
I just, I blacked out again.
And when I came to...
I didn't mean to do it,
you've gotta believe me!
I really didn't!
We gotta run.
There's no telling how much
more time we have until,
they, find us.
Okay, okay, look, we gotta go.
But seriously, work on that line!
(LAUGHING)
Okay Brendan, what the hell was that?
It was a number four to the neck.
On the run from a secret
government agency out to kill us.
No, that's a four to the thigh!
A four to the neck is a
winning lottery ticket.
No no no, four to the neck,
secret government agency.
Neck, kill, you know?
It's to the thigh
because we're on the run.
Oh right.
Well then, why is the
lottery ticket to the neck?
Up to our necks in money.
(GROANS) Tomorrow we're
going over the codes again.
And I liked this shirt too.
I dunno, I think I'd go
crazy working in a cubicle.
I know delivering pizzas
isn't all that glamorous,
but still.
It's not that bad.
I mean, I spend most of
my day fixing computers
or doing basic things nobody over
the age of 40 can figure out.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Like what?
Oh you know, like when you...
Oh God he's here.
- Who?
- No, don't look!
He mustn't see me!
What is it, an ex?
Worse, my sworn enemy.
Lady Selyse of the Whispering Woods.
Sir Meryn of Villafont.
I see you've brought your toady with you.
Nuh-uh, I'm not his toady.
Shut up Kevin.
What brings you to this tavern?
Your land ends two leagues south of here.
I have found a new prince!
One who does not fear
your tyrannical reign!
Wait, fear his what?
He looks like no prince that I know.
Yes, he looks more like a princess!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Right, look, I think
it's probably a good idea...
Whoa, what the?
- Oh no.
- What?
Larpers.
I don't understand.
You know D&D?
It's like that, but with
an added dose of crazy.
(CHANTING IN LATIN)
Ah!
You can't do that,
that's a level seven spell.
So?
You don't have the points for that!
I defeated Bolgar
the Horrible last week.
(SCREAMING) Run!
Where were we?
Oh, right, tech support.
Yesterday, my boss called me in,
because he didn't know how to
get rid of the little paperclip guy.
Insane, right?
Yeah.
Help me.
Help me.
Oh, by the stars, what is that I see?
See what?
I do doth declare, a
dragon descends upon us!
Oh, a dragon, is it of
the red or blue flight?
Blue?
Oh, Balerion has
followed me from his lair.
Fear not, I shall vanquish the fiend!
Weep for me should I perish.
Are you okay?
I will never call you a nerd again.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
Oh, no.
Okay Drunkles, I think you've had enough.
I can do it.
Present for you.
Don't drink.
You don't know what you're missing.
Well darn.
I was expecting her to say
something enlightening.
So, why don't you drink?
I don't do anything
that poisons my body.
Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, it's all garbage.
I can respect that.
Oh hey no, to each his own.
I'm not gonna judge ya for it.
See that's the thing a lot
of people don't understand.
It's not about telling people that...
[WAITRESS] Here's your burger.
Murderer!
You murder innocent animals you beast!
How do you sleep at night!
Sorry.
Sometimes I just lose it when I see
people eating the flesh
of living creatures.
Yeah, that's totally normal.
Well I think it's commendable
that you don't eat meat.
Yeah, I mean, I think if
more people thought like you,
the world would be a better place.
Absolutely.
- Meat is murder, right?
- Exactly.
If cannibalism is illegal,
why isn't a steak?
That is a totally reasonable comparison.
Don't you agree Melissa?
Yes, Brendan, completely reasonable.
It is such a relief to
find like-minded individuals.
What do you say we
teach the next carnivore
who comes in here a real lesson?
I can see how that is
in no way a bad idea.
What's up guys?
Cody, grab a seat man.
You are gonna love what
Melissa's date has to say.
Oh yeah sure thing,
I just stopped by to get
a bite before I went home.
Oh hey, can I get a burger, rare?
Just chop it off the cow and
throw it on the bun. (LAUGHS)
That's for all the bovine Americans
who can't protect themselves! (LAUGHS)
I'll call ya.
Hey!
I hate you guys.
[BRENDAN NARRATION]
Another date tonight.
As usual, I've got Melissa on standby.
I can't believe you two are
still pullin' this shit man.
What, it's flawless.
(LAUGHING)
Okay, mostly flawless.
You two been doin' this
shit since high school.
And?
And that was 10 years ago.
You ever thought
about just tellin' girls
that you don't want to date them?
It's what they always say to me.
Sure, but you'd be surprised
how often that doesn't work.
Dude, you're takin' this shit too far.
We're not taking it too far.
You go to each other's dates.
Do you know how weird that is?
Only first dates.
That doesn't make it any better.
The dating scene is miserable Zabrina,
I'll take any advantage I can get.
So right.
I went on a date with a guy last week,
and he left because he said I
talked about myself too much.
I mean he's an accountant
and kind of boring,
so I wanted to talk about
something interesting.
You're not helping, Keri.
Look, I don't see what the big deal is.
You pretend to be married.
Not all the time.
- Often enough.
- What's wrong with that?
Aside from the obvious?
It's confusing as hell!
What's so confusing about it?
Aside from the obvious?
It took me three months to
realize you guys weren't married.
See?
Poor Wade can't handle that shit, man.
Lots of people pretend to be married.
Yeah pretend maybe,
but they don't make a lifestyle out of it.
We're not making it a lifestyle.
You're shopping for a ring
for a guy you're not even married to.
So?
It's bad enough you have rings
without buying them for each other.
Alright that was my fault.
I did the schizo wife bit last week,
got a little carried away, I
threw it into someone's soup.
- Maybe that was a sign.
- Sign of what?
That you're losing your damn mind!
If it's a sign, I
think you should take it.
I mean I always listen to
what my horoscope says.
Like this one time I went to New York
because my horoscope said that big things
were gonna happen to me, to meet an agent.
And when they wouldn't see me
I grabbed a street performer's mic
and started singing as loud as I could.
Did they let you in?
No.
But the restraining
order's only temporary,
so I think I'll try again next year.
I don't know what to do with that.
If you guys have such a hard
time trying to find someone,
why don't you just find each other?
Are you kidding?
We've got a good thing going,
I'm not gonna screw that up by dating her.
Oh please.
Do you know how much ass you've missed
because girls figured you were taken?
And you didn't think
to tell them I wasn't?
Are you kidding?
I've gotta get laid too, shit.
Well see I'm doing a community service.
No, community service would
be helping Wade get some.
The last three girls I've asked out
have all been lesbians.
Hey is that a new line?
Or has my gay-dar just sprung a leak?
But why the blog?
I mean isn't it weird that you're telling
the whole world about your little schemes?
It's not the whole world.
20,000 people.
(COUGHS)
20,000?
That's like Rhode Island.
No Wade, it isn't.
Nah, it's fun, and people like it.
I've sent out feelers to a few publishers,
gonna try and make a book out of it.
And you're okay with that?
Why not, it's funny.
You don't think about
what it makes you look like?
You should never worry about
what people think about you.
Because then you'll spend
every hour of every day
wondering if people like you or not,
and then you'll have to go to therapy,
then you'll spend years trying to
break down those barriers until finally
your therapist says he doesn't
wanna talk to you anymore.
How much is this?
Uh, don't worry about it.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey nerd girl.
Hey yourself doughboy.
Did you fix the sink?
Uh yeah, next time don't pour
a whole thing of pancake
batter down there.
Well if you fixed the disposal
it wouldn't be a problem.
We don't have a disposal.
Yes we do, it's the
switch next to the toaster.
That's to the light over the sink.
There is no light over the sink.
Yes there is, there
just isn't a bulb in it.
Oh.
Well then you should put a bulb in it.
Well then you couldn't pretend
that we have an eerily silent disposal.
Okay.
Do we need milk?
Uh, yeah.
And pick up some more cookie dough.
I just made cookies.
Yeah, but Cody and Wade ate them all.
Alright.
Oh and uh, don't forget,
I've got dinner with that girl
from the deli tonight at eight.
Oh, need me there?
Yeah.
Alrighty, see you in a bit.
Alright, bye.
- What?
- What?
I knew from the moment I met you
that you were the one.
There was something in your eyes.
Or your smile! (LAUGHS)
Or your soul!
Oh, maybe that was it.
I saw it in your soul.
My soul, really.
Yes.
When I met you the other day,
there was no doubt about it.
We're gonna be married!
Married?
Yes!
I mean I'm sure of it.
And our first child will be a boy.
You have like this strong
manly quality about you.
So I know it'll be a boy.
And we'll call him Logan.
Logan is such a strong name.
What in the blue hell is going on here?
Melissa, how did you find me?
You penciled your little
whore date into your calendar.
Excuse me!
Brendy, what is going on here?
Brendy?
Only I call him Brendy.
I can explain.
Can you start by explaining
where your wedding ring is?
Wedding ring!
Well, I, see, well really...
I can't believe you would do this to me,
you selfish two-timing man bitch!
When were you gonna
tell me you were married?
Soon.
Well how soon?
Before we were married?
Yes definitely before next week.
Ow!
So, what are we having?
Well she ordered the shrimp pasta.
Damn, I knew I didn't like her.
I feel like chicken.
Well I got the chicken.
Trade?
Trade.
- (LAUGHS)
- Really?
I mean the wine was a bit much.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
(VIDEO GAME GUNSHOTS)
Who's winning?
It's co-op.
Who's winning?
We're on the same team.
Who's winning!
Cody!
But every know and then, you know,
Brendan does manage to shoot something.
It's not my fault I have a job.
Hey, I've got a job.
Yeah, what's that?
Schoolin' your ass.
Ha, nice!
Oh shit!
Catch that, I haven't
gone through that stuff yet.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Expecting something?
Well Melissa is.
She submitted an article
to some science journal.
It's been unbearable waiting to hear back.
Uh, this looks official.
Who's it from?
The state.
Told you to pay your taxes.
It's addressed to
Brendan and Melissa Walker?
Huh?
It's got a seal and everything.
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Walker
on your recent... marriage?
Dude, did you guys get married?
No.
State Department would like to inform you
that your marriage certificate
is now on file with the county,
we wish you all the best in
your common law marriage?
That's not like an
actual marriage, is it?
It's kind of like playing house?
I'm not sure.
Common law marriage.
Is that kind of like gay marriage
except for straight people?
No, it's real.
Common law marriage is when two people
have been living together
for a long ass time
and they act like
they're husband and wife.
How do you know anything...
Look just because my dad
forced me to go to law school
does not mean I slept through it.
That can't be right.
We don't act like we're married.
Dude, are you serious?
Yes.
I mean we joke around but,
we don't act like husband and wife.
Alright, well show me your wedding ring.
- What?
- Your ring, let's see it.
Okay, but you know it's not real.
Well how many people out
there think that it is?
Maybe one or two.
Dude, did you not think there were
gonna be questions when
you buy yourself a ring
and started wearing it around?
I didn't buy myself a ring.
Oh, don't tell me.
She bought it for me.
Holy shit!
You're really married!
Melissa is not gonna
be happy about this.
Dude Melissa's not the one
you should be worried about.
What?
Who are you texting right now?
Now, the whole process of turning coal
into a diamond doesn't happen overnight.
It takes thousands and thousands of years
of heat and pressure to occur.
What if Superman did it?
Superman has laser
eyes, that'd be cheating.
Well, what if the Hulk was in a sauna?
Are you serious?
Do you know what kind of damage the Hulk
could create in an
enclosed space like that?
You're married?
I'll be right back.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Did you hear that?
Who do you think it is?
Is it that guy?
Zabrina, what are you doing?
It's not fair.
I was supposed to be your maid of honor.
Now I'm just a maid.
I have no honor, Melissa.
Who did you talk to?
Cody called me.
I can't believe you
got married without me!
I'm not married!
Okay, I'm married, but
I didn't get married!
To Brendan?
Yes, no!
This is all one big mistake.
A mistake is wearing two
different colored socks.
I don't know what this is.
Well, join the club.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was hoping I wouldn't have to.
Look, we're gonna talk to Cody's dad today
and see if we can get out of this.
Okay.
But are you sure this is what you want?
'Course I'm sure,
why wouldn't I be sure?
It's just that I know
how you feel about him.
Isn't this what you wanted?
Yes, but not like this.
But this is perfect.
All we have to do is just slip in
a few hints here and there,
or wear something sexy
around the apartment.
Zabrina.
Or walk around naked, even better!
I am not going to walk around naked.
Why not?
You're allowed to.
He's your husband.
He's my husband, but to
him, I'm just a friend.
Wait, aren't you supposed
to be at work right now?
Are you kidding?
I was out of the door the
minute Cody called me.
And you're not worried
about being fired?
No, not with the photos I
have of my boss and her intern.
Z...
What, I mean,
other than having that
image burned in my brain,
it's the best thing that
ever happened to me.
What did I say?
I don't know how you two managed it,
but this is the real deal.
You're husband and wife.
This cannot be happening!
We weren't even in Vegas!
Or drunk.
It's not that bad.
Common law marriage has
all the same benefits.
And besides, you can have a
ceremony for friends and family.
We're not engaged!
Not anymore, no.
We never were engaged.
Are you sure?
I'm fairly certain I'd remember.
Look, how do we get out of this?
You could have a divorce,
just like any other marriage.
Divorce, no, no no no.
I can't get divorced before I turn 30.
You can wait a few years.
My mom's gonna kill me.
She's gonna string me
up and flay me alive.
I thought your mom liked me.
That's why she's going to kill me.
You met my brother-in-law,
I cannot get divorced before my sister.
Here, take that.
Is this a pardon?
No it's Cody's rent check.
Don't give it to him until
he gets you out of this.
You're asking us to put
our lives in Cody's hands?
I mean no offense, but...
He's a complete screw up, maybe.
But if he thinks I'm cuttin' him off,
he'll get off his ass.
Do you think he can handle it?
The boy may be lazy,
but he can handle just about
anything if he sets his mind to it.
It'll be okay, he'll help us out.
I don't doubt his
friendship, just his drive.
Can't you hack his
Warcraft account until we...
Until...
Brendan why is there rice
on the living room floor?
Um.
Because it's your wedding!
Surprise!
Oh!
Hey.
People throw grains of rice, not bags.
Yeah, that's be a bitch to clean up.
We're considerate.
Funny, not the word I was thinking.
(LAUGHING) Alright you two.
There'll be plenty of time for
you love birds to bicker later.
Right now we've got to do this up proper.
- We're not...
- Wade, hold his ass down.
Can't have you hurtin' yourself.
Besides, you'll thank us later.
Or maybe now.
(ELECTRIC DANCE MUSIC)
Now, Brendan, it occurred to us
that you got married without
having a bachelor party.
I never got married.
Technicality.
We aim to remedy the hell
out of that situation.
Woo, yeah!
Guys, this really isn't necessar....
On the other hand I know
how much it means to you.
Yeah, I thought you might.
You're cute.
I uh, thank you?
Shame you're taken though.
Oh no, I'm actually not.
They all say that.
Okay, married or not,
you can't keep her.
Aw, pretty please?
And you might wanna see some
ID before that bra comes off.
- (LAUGHING)
- That's pretty funny, huh?
Brendan getting molested? Oh yeah.
Well, that's not all.
It's a two for one deal.
Yeah.
Cooped up in that school
with those kids all day?
- You need this.
- Yeah! (LAUGHING)
And so do I.
Oh no, not you again.
Oh, look who it is.
Turner and douche, still
runnin' from the feds?
Shouldn't you be mixing up
a roofie-colada about now?
Yeah, I got your
roofie-colada right here.
So how do you take it, shaken or stirred?
Strained through a rusty colander.
Oh come on baby,
I know you're ready for the whole package.
I'd rather return it for a gift card.
Yeah whatever, I know
you're a science teacher.
You ready for your anatomy lesson?
Alright alright that's
enough debauchery, let's go.
Aw, but I've been good all year.
Buh-bye.
Aw, can we bring the girl back?
[CODY] No.
Aw, but I've never met a stripper
who didn't have cigarette burns.
[MELISSA] Down boy.
[CODY] Oh wait wait, I've
got a sack full of pennies.
No, they charge by the hour.
(VIOLIN PLAYING BRIDAL CHORUS)
Evidently there's a
violinist behind our couch.
(MELISSA SNICKERING)
Oh, sorry.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We are gathered here today
to celebrate the death of Brendan Walker
and Melissa Clark's ability to get laid.
Woo!
Does anyone object?
- Yes.
- Yes!
No? Fantastic!
- Brendan, do you?
- No.
- Melissa, do you?
- No.
That's awesome.
I know pronounce you guys man and wife.
Get you some.
Yeah, no.
Come on man, back in caveman days,
you club her over the
head and you're married.
A smooch isn't too much to ask for.
I am not going to kiss him.
Melissa, everyone's watching.
That's kind of the point.
I gotta do everything around here.
There, you two are married.
And Z and I are I think
cousins or something,
I dunno how that works.
Yeah, so are we done?
Done? No way.
You still have the reception.
And the dancing.
Cake!
And the sex.
Oh is the girl coming back?
Yeah, I don't think you're
gonna have time for that.
And why is that?
Because you're on the clock.
What's that?
Your rent check.
I don't live here.
No, you live in a much nicer apartment.
With much higher rent.
With rent that's paid by your father.
And we just so happen to be
in possession of that rent check.
But...
Yeah, you'll get it after
you finalize our divorce.
Congratulations, you just
got your first clients.
Better get to work on that,
it's almost the first of the month.
In the meantime, I need to get to work.
Whoever wants pizza, follow me.
(PLAYFUL VIOLIN MUSIC)
But I like pizza too.
(SAD VIOLIN MUSIC)
Oh, shut up.
She just bailed on you?
Not only did she leave me
with an apartment I can't afford,
but she still owes me two months rent.
Ouch.
Anything you can do about it?
I do know where her boyfriend lives,
so if all else fails, I
can run her down in my car.
Vehicular manslaughter?
I know, I'm going soft.
So uh, any word on your article?
No.
Four to six weeks, my ass.
At this point I'm just waiting
for the rejection letter.
Oh, you can't think of it like that.
I mean, as a singer, I
always deal with rejection.
You just have to keep trying.
Thanks Carrie.
Yeah even if they tell you
they never want to see you again.
Well I submitted through the mail, so...
Even if they cut you off in the
middle of your song right
before your big finish.
Well, that doesn't really apply in my...
Just tell them to
stick it if they tell you
that you're a no-talent hack and
you should move to Antarctica
so that nobody has to hear you again.
So.
Keri?
How was your audition today?
Oh.
I mean it took them five minutes
to call security this time,
so I think I'm wearing them down.
(SIGHS) This is messed up man.
I mean, this changes everything.
It doesn't change anything, Wade.
I mean, we're supposed
to be wingmen together.
If we're both wingmen,
who's getting laid?
You know, the wingman.
Dude, I don't think you
know how that works at all.
Besides, Melissa's always been my wingman.
Not anymore.
Your wife's not gonna
help you cheat on her.
And it wouldn't be cheating,
because we're not together.
But you're married.
Only technically.
Technically's good
enough. I won the pool.
What pool?
You know, for how long
until you guys got together.
You guys were taking bets on
if Melissa and I would hook up?
- No, of course.
- Good.
We were betting on when.
(WADE LAUGHING)
We're going Brendan, see you at home.
Alright, see ya.
Bye, see you guys later!
Oh my God!
Are you alright?
- Here.
- I'm fine.
Ouch.
Um, look, I've got some
bandages in my car.
If you want I could fix that up for you.
No, it's alright.
If I bleed to death from a small scratch
I shouldn't be allowed
to survive and procreate.
Melissa Clark, right?
Yes, have we met?
Jake Russell?
We went to high school together.
You sat in front of me in AP physics.
Oh, hi!
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I would've spent my time
in that class with my head in a book.
Oh I remember.
It was always nice when you looked up.
Oh my God, I said that out loud, didn't I?
You did.
I didn't realize I was catch
a glimpse material back then.
Uh, yeah!
Look this might be a
little out of the blue,
but would you like to
get something to eat?
I actually just ate.
Oh, right.
Well, how 'bout a drink then?
I probably shouldn't.
You're married, right?
No!
Yes, no, I...
Kind of?
Kind of?
You know how someone marries a friend
in order to get him a visa?
Oh yeah.
Well it's nothing like
that, but it's close.
You haven't changed a bit.
Well, it was good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
(LAUGHING)
Look, since you won't
let me get you a drink,
at least let me patch you up.
I don't want you to remember me
as the guy who left you with a bloody arm.
I suppose you could do that.
I mean it was your fault after all.
Oh, entirely.
(MELISSA LAUGHS)
[MRS. WALKER] I can't believe you
didn't tell me you got married.
[BRENDAN] Yes mom, I should've told you.
I had to find out on Facebook.
On Facebook!
I'm sorry!
Cody changed my relationship status.
I'll kill him later.
That's not the point.
I should have been your first call.
Well, my first call was to Cody's dad.
- To Cody's...
- Because he's a lawyer, mom.
I didn't want this.
It just sort of happened.
Oh God.
What?
She's pregnant isn't she?
What, no!
Brendan how many times have
I told you to use a condom?
Ugh, no mom.
Just no.
- I'm serious.
- So am I.
I did not sleep with Melissa.
Well good, she's a nice girl,
and doesn't deserve to get
knocked up because you're careless.
I agree.
Thank you for the vote of confidence.
I just worry, that's all.
I know.
But Melissa's not pregnant.
We're not really married.
And the 17 girls I have knocked up
all think my name is Eduardo.
So I think I'm pretty safe there.
Honey you don't even
look like an Eduardo.
That's why I have the fake
mustache and bag of cocaine.
Just as long as you're
aware. I love you.
I love you too mom.
We need to take him in
for a little snip snip,
what do you say?
(DOG WHINES)
God I hate the internet.
(KNOCKING)
Why?
(KNOCKING)
Hey man, I've got some good news, and...
You've been smothered to death, great.
(BRENDAN GROANING)
What?
(BRENDAN GROANING)
What?
Ow!
What was that for!
Facebook.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Anyway, good news?
Oh yeah, turns out, the
sanctity of marriage is dead.
That might be the most depressing
good news I've heard all day.
No seriously, do you realize how many
people are getting divorced these days?
It's kind of ridiculous.
So you can do it?
Dude a blind goat with a
broken typewriter can do it.
But can you do it?
Piece of cake.
But there is something you guys
can do to make my job easier.
Yeah, what's that?
One of you needs to move out.
What?
It'll be easier to
prove you aren't married
if you aren't living together.
Serious?
See if you're still living together,
then they might shoot
it down on the grounds
that you're still white-washing her fence.
Oh come on man, we never...
Yeah I know, but tell it to the jury.
If there is a jury.
I haven't gotten that far yet.
I've been living with Melissa
since we graduated high school.
It was just assumed that
we'd always be roommates.
Can't even a remember a
time not living with her.
I'm sorry dude but, if
you want this divorce,
something's gotta change.
Yeah, right.
Can I have food now?
No.
Melissa!
(SQUEALING IN HAPPINESS)
(LAUGHING)
(SHOUTING IN HAPPINESS)
Well someone's in a good mood.
I did it, I did it!
Ugh!
Well congratulations on your... sex?
No!
My article got accepted.
Oh, oh that is awesome!
I know!
Now finally I'll have something published
I can force my students to read.
I thought you said you hated it
when your professors made you do that.
Yeah, but they were old and stuffy.
I'm young and hip.
And, you have boobs.
So did Dr. Baumgartner,
but mine haven't been
around since World War II.
So what does your dad have to say?
I haven't talked to him yet.
I figure since we're married,
you get first dibs on the juicy tidbits.
Oh, yeah I guess that makes sense.
So, did Cody find anything out?
Yeah.
Uh, he said he can handle it.
Okay, good.
There's just...
Well there's one little problem.
What's that?
Us living together.
What?
He says it's going to
be hard to prove that
we're not in a relationship if
we're still living together.
We can't be roommates?
Well I don't know, maybe.
But I mean with Cody lawyering it up?
We can't be roommates.
Well if you want to keep the apartment,
I can try and find a new place.
No, no, no no, it's fine.
I'll move out.
Zabrina needs a roommate, I
can stay with her if necessary.
Great.
Everything works out then.
Is this what you want?
What?
Me moving out.
It's not what I want, but...
But this is how you want
to handle the situation.
Look Cody's not really
an expert or anything, so...
I know, but, if you want
me to stay, I'll stay.
Well, this is just like our best option
if we wanna get out of this marriage.
Okay, I'll go see if Zabrina
wants me to move in with her.
Why don't you just call her?
I should go.
Well, don't forget your
letter, you're gonna wanna...
(WISTFUL GUITAR MUSIC)
I watched the cars go by
And I can't help my wandering mind
I have to wonder if you might be
Riding by the driver's side
And it's a sign and a hopeful thought
But I don't think that you forgot
About how much I loved
just driving you around
But you insisted on your leaving
Which to me was not appealing
Although I know you
only live in the next town
And if only you lived with me
Then I think that you could see
Just how perfect our
lives together would be
If only I could give you more
Although I'm not fully sure
What exactly I was
lacking from the start
If only I could understand
Why I felt our two piece band
Was consisting of a banjo and a harp
Why it was was consisting
of a banjo and a harp
I wish could turn
back this humid weather
And maybe bring us back together
Back when we were freezing
walking through the park
With my arm over your shoulder
It couldn't have been any colder
But I can feel the warmth
exuding from your heart
Yes those were better times
I had a lighter heart and a clearer mind
When broken glass couldn't harm my feet
And everything felt so complete
But things have changed and so have you
And now I'm treading without boots
You'd be surprised how much
the hollow heart pollutes
Your love was like the heavy rain
And when it all poured
out it finally felt the same
'Cause I never thought these showers
could ever come to an end
But I never knew that you'd affect me
I never knew that you'd select me
I never knew how much
the hollow heart could ache
What do you say, pick you up at 8?
Well that's the last of the big stuff.
And that should be
the last of the boxes.
Oh, what's in this?
Science books.
What, carved out of stone?
Just the geology ones.
What's in this?
Paperbacks.
I have a lot of paperbacks.
You know, we'll take the truck over,
and muscles here can start unloading.
No respect.
Well I guess that's everything.
Yeah.
Oh um.
You know it's just not gonna be
the same around here without you.
It's not gonna be the
same anywhere without you.
You remember how we first met?
Yeah, freshman year of
high school, spirit week.
What was it, future day?
Uh, decade day.
I just picked the 2040s.
Oh right, everybody was dressed up like
a greaser or a hippie and you were
walking around like you were the Tin Man.
I just thought the guy on
the Santa Monica Pier
was ahead of his time.
And you made the same
bad joke back then too.
You forgot to dress up,
and you came in and had to
borrow my silver hair paint
and join the robot revolution.
Yep.
Took forever to get that out.
Small price to pay for
a keen fashion sense.
Did you ever give that back?
Oh I didn't tell you that part?
I don't think so.
Did you lose it?
Not quite.
I was too afraid to talk to you again.
Why?
Thought you were cute.
Really?
Yep.
I spent two weeks avoiding you
until you caught me in the
cafeteria and we got to talking.
I didn't give it back to you
because I was too embarrassed.
Wow.
I'm glad Cody broke his arm. (LAUGHING)
What?
Cody broke his arm skateboarding,
so he didn't show up that day.
I was scanning the room for
a familiar face, saw you.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
(PHONE BUZZING)
You should get that.
Sorry, I uh...
Don't get emotional on me now.
It's not that, I just...
I should go.
I mean they're moving all my stuff,
lord knows where it's going to end up.
I mean, I'll talk to you later.
You uh.
Hi mom.
Yeah can I call you back?
To new beginnings.
New beginnings.
So you're starting over as an alcoholic?
Just for tonight.
Thought the bottle looked low.
It's actually bottle number two.
I suppose it's been one of those weeks.
One of those weeks
implies a sense of normalcy.
This was not the week from hell,
this was the week from the resort
that Satan decides to go to when
he feels hell's getting a little soft.
I guess that's fair enough.
But no more.
Tomorrow's a new day.
No more letters telling
me that I'm married,
no more having to move all
my stuff out of my apartment
because some idiot made a clerical error.
No more wine.
Starting tomorrow.
Hey, I got a call from
a literary agent today.
He's read the blog,
and he wants to meet with me
about a possible book deal for...
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONE BUZZING)
Oh!
Either this is payback,
or you take reconnecting literally.
Jake, hi.
Hey.
Uh, if you're just gonna lay there,
I feel like I should buy you dinner first.
Unless you're still trying to
figure out if you're married?
Oh, no, no, this was
a big misunderstanding.
I'm so sorry.
It's alright.
I'm training for Rugby season,
so the contact is good.
Really?
Well, no, but it's manlier than saying
I've gotten a little
soft around the edges.
Nothing wrong about admitting
you've put on a few pounds.
Oh, so you're saying
I've gotten a little fat?
Just around the edges.
Then it must be true.
Especially if you confused
me for part of the track.
Hey, in my defense,
you are wearing black.
Oh, and that is the one
characteristic of a track.
It's an easy mistake to make.
Good, I'm glad you see things my way.
Oh yeah absolutely,
nothing but turquoise and fuschia for me.
That'll make you stand out.
Unless you're at a drag show,
in which case you'd fit right in.
Perfect, that's where
I was going tonight.
Really?
No. (LAUGHS)
Unless you happen to know of a good one.
That's open on a Sunday, not likely.
Well darn.
But, do you, um...
do you have any plans tonight?
Wait, do I what?
Are you doing anything tonight?
I'm asking you on a date.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome?
Was that a yes?
I'm not really sure.
I've had a really rough week.
Look I'm not looking to
run the bulls or anything.
How 'bout you just come over to my place
and we'll watch a movie or something?
Yeah, yeah, that would be nice.
But if running the bulls is
your idea of a go-to date,
I don't see this working out.
Well that's probably a good thing.
You know bulls are so hard
to come by these days.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Seriously?
Ah man, fair game, your shoes are on.
It's nice to know
we're still in college.
Hey the rules never die.
Why are you here?
Oh I got some papers for you.
That was fast.
Are you kidding me?
Getting a divorce around here
is easier than seeing tits at Mardi Gras.
Now sign that shit so I can get paid.
Well?
I just feel like I'm signing
away more than a marriage.
Relax.
If I was bargaining your soul,
you'd be signing in blood.
That's not what I meant.
Yeah I know, but this
doesn't change anything.
You're still friends,
you're still gonna spend
way too much time together.
Everything'll go back to how it was.
Yeah, maybe.
Come on, what's gonna change?
Oh, he is cute.
It's funny, I barely
remember him from high school.
Change.
Yeah, sometimes people do.
No your clothes, change them.
What, why?
Too girl next door.
Didn't he date Fiona Abrams?
[MELISSA] Maybe, I don't remember.
Yeah, yeah he did.
She got the lead in the
musical junior year.
And senior year.
And I played a broom.
Do you know how hard it
is to be taken seriously
when you have the word
broom on your resume?
Wait, I know you are not still using
high school plays on your resume.
Oh, no, of course not.
Good.
I said it was a national tour.
[MELISSA] Keri!
You know they can check that, right?
Well at least I'm not
blackmailing my boss.
That's because my boss is a...
Bitch do you even know
how to dress for a date?
What?
Walk back in that room and put on
a cute top and some jeans
or I will dress you myself.
But that's what I always wear.
Exactly.
So dress like yourself and
stop trying so damn hard.
Alright, alright.
You two make being a
friend a full-time job.
(SIGHS)
Come on, man.
You have to come out with us tonight.
I don't know.
After the week I've had...
You deserve to go to the club and find
an incredibly hot chick and
bang the shit out of her.
I was going to say sleep, actually.
You can do that afterwards.
See, there is no downside to this.
Gonorrhea, there, downside.
Nobody gets gonorrhea these days,
that was like the 1800s.
Yeah I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Besides I've got the interview tomorrow.
Whatever, look, you're coming.
Why are you so intent
on me getting laid?
'Cause, I want to get laid.
And there is no chance of that happening
if I have to babysit Wade all night.
It's not that bad.
Look.
He's trying to pick up the
girl in the corner booth.
What, she's cute.
She's with her dad, man.
Well, she at least looks legal.
Not the point, the man has no game.
I can't be saddled with him
all night if I want to get any.
I don't know.
I was going to go celebrate with Melissa,
but she's got plans.
Plans?
I didn't ask.
I heard Sabrina giggling
in the background though.
Well that's never good.
All right, well, if the girls
are gonna have their fun,
then we need to have ours.
Okay fine, I'll go,
just lemme take care of
this one last delivery and
then I'll meet you guys there.
Good.
I see that went well.
Yeah, apparently, that's her dad.
Oh, that wasn't obvious?
Thought she had older friends.
Still, interrupting dinner?
Not the best way to
make a good impression.
Well, go get cleaned up buddy.
We got some getting laid to do.
Yeah!
Uh-uh, no, yeah.
You see what I gotta deal with, man?
Gosh. (SIGHS)
Wish I could say I got
into psychiatry because of
some deep-rooted desire
to help people, but no.
I just kind of fell into it.
How do you fall into
something like that?
Wandered into the wrong class,
thought it was cool, decided to stay.
So you do what you do because
you have a terrible sense of direction.
More or less, yeah.
Well, to each his own.
Well how 'bout you?
How did you get into teaching?
I like rocks.
Uh, okay. (LAUGHS)
As a kid I was fascinated with rocks.
I'd dig 'em up, break 'em open,
look at all the cool bits inside.
My dad thought I was a little slow
until I started asking him questions
about where it all came from,
and he didn't have any answers
beyond shit just clumps up.
Sounds scientific.
I know, right?
So he took me to the library,
and instead of getting
Babysitter Club books,
I was reading about geology.
And this is at a time
when For Dummies books
were meant for people who didn't
know a computer from an Etch-A-Sketch,
so I was reading books from
the Truman Administration.
Wow, and you understood all that?
Not really.
I read all the books,
I thought they were
the coolest thing ever,
but I had no idea what
any of the words meant.
So my dad started reading them with me.
As far as father daughter activities go,
it was a bit unusual,
but it was what we had.
And the teaching part?
Wanted to share my interest.
I figured high school
students love the fine art
of breaking stuff up and
poking what's inside.
(LAUGHS) Also noble.
It's just another form of therapy.
What?
Just really glad I ran
into you the other day.
(WHISTLES)
Hey, how much do I owe you?
Um, nothin'.
On the house.
Okay.
Hmm.
Stop me if you've heard
this one before, all right?
All right, so anyway, I
come back to the pool,
I says, it is my foot!
(LAUGHING)
I swear to God, true story,
that actually happened.
Thank God you're here.
Why, what's wrong?
Wade! It's worse than I thought.
Alright, now, everybody, one tap,
two taps, three taps,
oh behave! (LAUGHING)
Now keep your eyes on the deck.
That's not your card,
that's not your card.
That's not your card!
Oh yeah, looks like he's
sinking faster than the Titanic.
For the love of God man, look at him!
Your card, it's not even here.
At all.
Card tricks?
He's playing card tricks!
Well it seems to be working!
See, your card is right here!
[WOMAN] Oh my God, how'd you do that?
This is a travesty, man.
Why, because you
didn't think of it first?
Yes!
I thought card tricks were for
creepy old men on the subway.
This?
This destroys everything
I knew about the game.
Oh, you knew a lot about game, did you?
I could've written a book.
But this?
This is an abomination.
There is nothing cool about it.
I think you've overestimated
the power of cool.
No, because that
would imply I was wrong,
and I don't like that.
Well, good luck figuring that out.
I'm getting a drink.
Hey, what can I get'cha?
Tequila.
Married life that good, huh?
Plaid skirt, tiny bra?
Oh, um, sorry, I didn't recognize you.
With clothes on?
Well, that and no one's
holding me down and cheering.
It was less a bachelor party
and more eighth grade with boobs.
Well that'll give me a
frightening image next time I work.
Eh, that's what I'm here for.
I think you owe me a drink for that.
Fair enough.
One more?
- I'm Brendan.
- Tiffany.
(GROANS)
So how exactly did Cody find you?
You look like you have much
better taste than that.
We went to law school together.
Really?
You look surprised.
Well it's just that you
were a naughty school girl,
not naughty paralegal.
Not yet.
I'm still job hunting.
So, what are you doing at a bar?
Shouldn't you be honeymooning somewhere?
I'm not really married.
Yeah, you said that.
Meant it.
But the state disagrees,
so I've got a nice little
piece of paper that says I am.
So who's the girl?
Best friend.
Did you two ever...
Ever?
You know, hook up.
No.
She was my wingman.
I don't see her here tonight.
Yeah well, other plans.
And you?
And me?
What are your plans?
Everything okay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just expected you to be more excited.
No.
I'm fine.
Wait, wait.
I uh, I can't do this.
Looks like you can.
No, I mean, I can.
I don't want to.
I think I'm in love with my wife.
Alright, goggles on.
Alrighty, get crackin'.
Melissa.
- Goggles!
- What?
Did I just walk in on a felony?
We're saving that for the final.
Oh good.
So, how are you?
Heard you had a good night last night.
What?
I talked to Cody.
Oh goodie.
Yep, and he told me you
went home with Boobs McGee.
Yeah, about that.
No it's okay, really.
It's not like I can call
it cheating or anything.
Oh, nothing happened.
Sure it didn't.
It's okay, really.
I actually met a guy,
if you can believe it.
Yeah, I uh, I can.
Jake Russell, the nicest guy.
He went to high school with us.
You don't say.
It's really nice to have
something normal for a change.
I don't even think I'm gonna
need you to bail me out of this one.
Are you sure?
'Cause I'd be more than
happy to get you out.
We can go over the codes now...
Don't worry about me.
I'm gonna give this one a chance.
Is now really the best time for that?
I mean, you're still married.
Do you really want a guy who would
take advantage of a married woman?
We're not really married,
Brendan, you know that.
Oh, I should probably get back in there.
Today would be a really
bad day for a mishap.
Yeah, well, no, it would.
Well hey, when's your meeting?
I'm heading there now.
Don't tell me you came
here for a pep talk.
No!
I'm all good.
On pep.
Are you alright?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I'll uh, I'll catch you later.
[MAN] And they're all true?
Yeah.
For better or worse,
that's been my love life
over the last decade.
Tell me about this
friend of yours, Melissa?
Uh, yeah.
What do you want to know?
Well, how did all this start?
Homecoming, in high school.
I was with this transfer student
who had been there all of a week.
Hardly knew her, but she was cute.
She spent two hours going on about
how much prettier she was
than everyone else there.
Melissa saw how miserable I was,
and stormed over pretending
to be my knocked up ex.
Got slapped twice, but it was so worth it.
Wait a minute, you knocked her up?
No, God no.
Why not, she ugly?
No, far from it.
Well then, why not?
Well because I decided a long time ago
that I wasn't gonna risk
losing my best friend.
(LAUGHING)
What?
Son, that's the biggest load
of horseshit I heard all day,
and I met with a senator.
Oh come on.
Look, I like you.
I think your stories are
gonna make a great book.
But when a guy with your dating history
says he's afraid of risk?
Just doesn't fit.
At this point the only risk is
you're waiting to long to make your move.
Alright, let's talk business.
We'll set you up with someone
in legal to draw up the contracts.
We'll find a copy editor for you,
and we need to talk about cover materials.
Um, I'm sorry.
I need to go.
No, no, come on!
Suck it, nerd boy!
How's this possible,
you've never even played this game before.
Some of us don't need
practice to frag like a pro.
Brendan, you would not
believe what just happened.
Girls can be gamers too.
Women's lib, bitch.
Doesn't mean you can still beat me.
You know I'm king, tell her.
Tell her!
I'm in love with Melissa.
Goddamn it!
Really?
Yes really.
I'll have you know I was the
only one that stood by you,
said it wasn't gonna happen.
You disappoint me, sir.
Ow!
(BRENDON LAUGHS)
Oh!
That's for taking your
sweet time figuring it out.
Well how was I supposed to know?
How were you...
Are you completely stupid?
Sometimes, yes.
Over 10 years!
All you had to do was say something,
make one move, and you would've had her!
Come on, that's not true.
Yes it is.
I would've known.
You didn't want to know,
you just wanted a friend to be there
for you and help you get laid.
You saw what you wanted to see.
Well, now maybe I wanna
see somethin' different.
- Now?
- Yes.
After she's already moved out,
after she found a decent guy?
I admit, my timing is less than perfect.
Understatement, meet Brendan.
I'm serious.
I love her.
(ZABRINA SIGHS)
You know I'm your friend, right?
Yes?
Then know it comes from
my heart when I tell you
that if you hurt her,
I'll kill you.
Gotcha.
They won't find your body.
Won't need to.
Looks like I'm gonna need
another roommate, again.
I just need a little
more time to figure out
how I'm going to tell her.
I tried, but it didn't go so well.
Okay.
Well just have her hold
off on signing the papers.
The papers?
The divorce papers.
Oh right, yeah, those papers, yeah okay.
- Cody?
- Yes?
Has she signed the papers?
No, you know me, I'm too
lazy to be on top of that.
(BOTH LAUGH)
But hypothetically
speaking, what if she did?
Why would you do that?
Well because up until two minutes ago,
that's what you wanted!
And I also kind of want my rent check.
Okay.
This is not a problem.
Just don't file them.
You haven't filed them yet, have you?
- No.
- Good.
She was gonna do that.
What?
She took them with her,
said she was gonna drop them off
on her way home from school.
Oh, fantastic.
You got time, if you leave
now, you'd be able to make it.
Thanks.
Where is that, exactly?
(BELL RINGING)
I got it.
Doin' it.
Well, I wondered when I'd see you again.
You.
Hello Brendy.
What are you doing here?
Uh, I work here, silly.
Friend of yours?
Is this your latest harlot?
We had a date, one date.
Why only one date, I mean,
she is cute enough for at least two.
Yeah but her cute's got
nothin' on her crazies.
Oh, sure, call me crazy just because
you weren't ready for a commitment.
You were talking
marriage on our first date!
So were you!
Yes, but not to you.
No, no, not to me!
When you went and threw
away everything we had,
I went home, drew myself a
nice long hot bubble bath,
poured myself a glass of wine,
and then saw a link on my
newsfeed to a certain blog,
maybe you've heard of it?
Much Ado About Ditching?
Imagine my surprise when I realized
that the latest post was about me.
Me!
Uh oh.
You were never really married.
No, not in the strictest sense.
As it turns out,
I was in just the position
to help you out with that.
Wait, you did this?
Yeah.
If you're gonna go around
telling everyone you're married,
I figured somewhere deep down inside,
it's what you really want.
Shit.
The crazy bitch has a point.
Thank you.
Did Melissa file the papers yet?
Who?
My wife.
Oh, her.
Yeah, she has, actually.
Well can you un-file them?
No, sorry.
It's a little bit late for that.
Wait how is it too late?
She still needs a court
date with the judge.
Not if you're lucky
enough to know someone
who can get you in right away.
Especially when the whole thing
was just a big mistake to begin with.
Dammit.
She was with a really cute guy, too.
Where is she?
Hmm.
Well?
Court house is just
down the street, man.
(SQUEAKING NOISES)
I wouldn't do that.
Because the police are
about to get tipped off
about two suspicious young gentlemen
and a little hussy with
a really bad boob job.
Touch that phone and
it's going up your ass.
Right.
(SCREAMING)
You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
You broke my nail!
Cody, rent check.
Where are we even going?
Hey, it's Rumpledouchek...
- How did he get here?
- I don't know.
So, your honor, this is
really just a big mistake.
Stop.
- Brendan.
- What is the meaning of this?
There's been a mistake.
Yes, this young lady
was just explaining that.
No, not that.
I mean, well, yes that was a mistake,
but it's a mistake that should've
happened a long time ago.
Wait, aren't you the pizza guy?
Yeah, hey, Brendan, nice to meet you.
Didn't we have senior english together?
Yes, Jake, we did.
Not really the point right now.
Brendan what are you doing here,
I'm taking care of it.
I don't want you to take care of it.
You don't?
No, I'm an idiot.
I don't know why it's taken a
fake marriage for me to see it
but I can't spend the rest
of my life without you.
I'm sure Jake's a nice guy
and all, but this is me.
You know me better than anyone else.
And with the exception of about
one minorly important thing,
shit this sounded so
much better in my head.
You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
And I'm sorry it took me
so long to realize it.
I love you Melissa.
Will you stay married to me?
Was the knee too much?
Nah.
You had me at, "I'm an idiot." (LAUGHS)
Yes, you had me there too.
Hey uh, your honor.
You know as their lawyer,
I would like to request that
the proceedings be thrown out.
Yes, I gathered that.
Oh cool, so we're good here?
Almost.
Bailiff, take this young man into custody.
What, why?
I promised your father
that I'd be hard on you
the first time you
appeared in my courtroom.
Since I've only briefly been
blessed by your appearance,
I'm low on options.
Yeah but you need grounds for that, huh?
Improper attire.
Yeah, fair enough.
As for you two,
would you like me to hold onto
this paperwork for a later date?
I think we'll be okay.
(UPBEAT GUITAR MUSIC)
I took the good and took the bad
And everything that's in between
I saw silver linin' in
even my darkest dreams
But I did it all alone
Never know that I was incomplete
And you never knew you'd
be the better half of me
You pick me up
Lay me down
I will never, no I'll
never leave you baby
It's not where I end or you begin
No no baby
It's where we blend
Trace my mouth and learn it well
For the day I'm gone again
Keep my name on your tongue
Like yours is on my skin
Gonna lay my burdens down
And trade them in for steady hands
Studyin' one or more by the river band
All I need
I shall not want
All I need
I shall not want
I will never, no I'll
never leave you baby
It's not where I end or you begin
No no baby
It's where we blend
Let another year go by
Watchin' as the seasons go
We'll stay young and pure
while the world grows old
And I will kiss you when you wake
At night I'll kiss your heavy eyes
And I will keep you safe
from the world outside
I'll pick you up
And lay you down
I'll pick you up
And lay you down
I will never, no I'll
never leave you baby
It's not where I end or you begin
No no baby
It's where we blend