Unfaithfully Yours (1984) Movie Script
#[Classical]
# [ Continues ]
- # [Ends ]
- [Applause ]
[ Woman ]
Bravo!
[Man Narrating]
My name is Claude Eastman.
As you've probably guessed,
I'm a symphony conductor.
You may have heard of me.
I didn't always possess this uniform.
For 20-oddyears, I ate,
drank and dreamt music.
I became a-- well,
what the hell, I'll say it--
great conductor and,
simultaneously, a lonely man.
I wanted more.
- Love, probably.
- Bravo!
Be careful what you wish.
You just might get it.
I met her on tour, in Venice.
She was acting in a film.
We fell in love and married
almost immediately.
She made me young.
She gave me life.
It was--
It was great while it lasted.
But tonight, it will all
cease to exist for me.
Because tonight,
I'm going to... kill her.
My problem began four days ago.
I had just returned
from a concert in England.
[ Woman On P.A. ]
Now arriving at gate 73.
There he is. Claude!.
Hi! Oh, mm!
- [ Giggles ]
- Oh! God.
Oh, I don't believe it. You look more
beautiful on Thursday than you did on Sunday.
I think youre
improving with age.
Why dont you ever say things
like that to me, Norman?.
- Because she's nine years old.
- Oh.
- Hello, Claude.
- Oh, hi, Carla. How are you?.
- I'm just wonderful.
- Did you think of me often?.
Every night, as soon
as the girls left, I'd--
- Claude Eastman returns
to his homeland in triumph."
- Hello, Norman. How are you?.
- "Fine, thank you. Very well." That's Norman.
- This is wonderful.
Sold out Albert Hall.
Listen to this.
A master of late romantic
repertoire."
[ Speaking Italian ]
Bene, bene. I want to get the luggage
before somebody steals it.
- All right.
- Give me the ticket.
- Thank you.
- That's it.
Get copies made of the London reviews.
Make sure that Paul sees this.
- This is very, very important.
- Norman and that machine are joined at the lip.
- I know.
- Listen, this is gonna help the BBC interview.
Interview?.
Oh, my dear, I was supposed to do the Time
interview with jerzy for the movie.
- When?.
- Now. Carla, come with me. I have to call.
I've missed it.
- Don't worry about it.
He'll think it's very Italian.
- Yes.
He'll kill me. Come on.
She is cute.
They're all cute the first year.
- Aha.
- What?.
- Your eyelid fluttered.
- Fluttered?.
You're doing too much.
You're wearing yourself thin.
- And you're losing all perspective.
- [ Scoffs ]
- This marriage to Daniella--
- Oh, Norman. Not again.
- Look, maybe we're overbooking you.
- Well, you're not!
Well, two concerts a week.
Scoring Daniella's movie.
- [ Sighs ]
- You marry a very beautiful woman--
[ Simultaneously]
A very much younger--
Very much younger.
Half your age.
- And I'm being kind.
- So, what are you saying?.
I'm saying it's affecting you.
You go out of town
for three days...
and you're this jealous?.
jealous?.
jealous of what?.
It's none of my business,
but having me hire a private eye...
to watch your wife while youre out
of town is not my idea of complete trust.
What are you talking about?.
Private eye?.
- Private eye. A detective.
- What detective?.
Giuseppe told me you wanted to hire a
detective to watch Daniella while you were gone.
- This was my instructions.
- Giuseppe?.
- Yes.
- My Giuseppe?. This Giuseppe here?.
- Of course!
- [ Italian ]
Hire a private eye?.
What--
Oh! That's not what I said.
I told him to tell you to keep an eye
on Daniella while I was gone.
Take her to a movie. Take her to dinner.
Make sure she wasn't lonely.
- Keep an eye on her!
- He told me to hire a private eye.
- Didn't I tell you that couldn't be right?.
- Oh. That was--
- I told you it couldn't be right. He doesn't
know what I'm talking about.
- You see this?.
An eye. Keep an eye" on her.
- We had this discussion, didn't we, Giuseppe?.
- Okay. An eye.
I said, "Detective?'"
You said, Yes. '"
An eye. Keep an eye on her.
Occhio. Occhio.
- [ Italian Continues ]
- [ Italian ]
I said, A detective??' You said yes.
You don't know what a detective is.
[ Yelling In Italian ]
What does
a detective" mean?.
- [ Italian ]
- Why dont you carry a dictionary then?.
- Hold it!
- [ Italian ]
- Si, si, si.
- Forget it.
- Forget it?. Does Daniella
know anything about this?.
- Of course not.
I'm not gonna tell her. The private eye
won't tell her. He's a private eye.
- Make sure that Dan--
- What's the matter?.
Oh. [ Scoffs ]
just a typical booking
misunderstanding.
- How was your call?. Was jerzy mad?.
-jerzy was very angry with me.
- What's going on here, dear?.
- Unimportant. I don't even remember.
[Horns Honking]
All right. I'll park the car
and then I'll bring out the luggage.
Eh? Signora.
Whoops!
- Mr. Eastman. Nice to have you back.
- Thanks, Eddie.
- Come sta?
- Bene.
- Broken again?.
- Yeah. Now they're wiring it for sound.
- Oh, good. We can get mugged in stereo now.
- [Laughing] Modern technology.
- Yeah.
- Could have hired 10 doormen
for what this thing cost.
- Well, at least we don't have
to tip the machine at Christmas.
- Right.
- [ Laughs ]
- Funny guy.
When I met the queen, I didn't know
whether to kneel, bow or curtsy.
- What did you do?.
- Ah.
I knelt, Your Majesty.
- [ Daniella ] You did not!
- Marrone!
Oh, I'm unhappy. I've done nothing but cook
and eat since you've been gone.
- I gained three pounds.
- Three pounds!
How disgusting! Where are they?.
I want to eat every--
- No, no, no, no, no, no. [ Laughing ]
- Now I've got you.
I'm going to eat
every one, individually.
- What's that?.
- What?. Oh!
Norman said to put it
where you wouldn't miss it.
You have rehearsal
with Max at 9:.00 a.m.
Don't be late, huh?.
The two of you look so handsome.
Oh, take it down.
I don't want to see it.
- Why not?.
- Because!
That man is keeping us apart.
Wha-- [ Sighs ]
What do you mean?.
I love Max, but tomorrow morning I want
to be in a warm bed with you...
not in a... cold rehearsal studio
with him.
The maestro and his young protg.
Hmm. [ Scoffs ] Daniella.
You know what I said about
you improving with age?.
- Do you think that's true of me?.
- Of cou--
[ Stuttering ]
I mean, do you-- Are you--
No. Are you gonna miss--
um... [ Chuckles ] younger men?.
- The truth?.
- No!
- What a question.
- [ Scoffs ]
Younger men are like
fast food restaurant, you know?.
- It's quick, but not all that good.
- Oh, well.
- [ Chuckles ]
- But with you, it's like dining...
at the most wonderful,
expensive restaurant in the world.
- [ Snorts ]
- Of course, the service may be a little slow.
Yeah, but--
[ Shouts ]
# [ Classical:
Violin, Piano ]
# [ Humming ]
Great.
- That's great!
- Well, it was all right.
[ Laughs ]
Come on. It's great.
Lovely. Really.
Listen, what about here?.
Do you want that a little--
a little broader?.
- # [ Singing ]
- A little more rallentando here,
'cause it needs the time.
And just keep this steady,
because I want to lay this in more.
- Very strict. Okay.
- Yeah.
- # [ Humming ] Okay.
- We did it that way in Vienna
last spring. It works well.
Claude, you have rehearsal in half an hour.
And Giuseppe's here for your haircut.
- Oh, okay.
- By the way, congratulations.
- What?
- Your child bride. She's, uh-- She's outrageous.
- What, you met her already?.
- What?.
- You met her already?
- No. No, I didn't meet her.
I, uh--
I saw one of her movies, in Venice.
- About, uh, two weeks ago.
- Terrific!
Yeah. She's--
She's real nice.
[ Chuckles ] Coming from you, Max,
I feel I've done something right at last.
- Well, you have.
- Well, I'll rehearse with the orchestra
this morning.
- I'll see you this afternoon.
- Okay.
Okay.
[Door Closes ]
- [Assistant]2:00, Steve Weintraub, pianist.
- Right.
- 2:45, violinist Leonard Bragg.
- Hold it. Hold it.
- 3:.00, Norman--
- One week from tonight,
we find out about China.
Norman, I told you, I don't want to
even consider China right now--
- Giuseppe, you're gonna make a hole back there.
- [ Italian ]
What, are you shrugging Off a continent?.
There's 800 million people there.
- I know.
- If they hate you, 200 million
people come by accident.
They're looking for a restaurant.
Isaac Stern didn't want to go.
What happened?. Academy Award.
- Claude, the programs
are being printed next week.
- What?.
Somebody said you're substituting
another piece for the Mozart.
- I haven't made a decision yet.
- Go with Rossini or Verdi.
- Giuseppe, cut the hair.
- The printer's ready to kill me.
- I know.
- Help him out, will you?. Look at him.
We have to have something to put on there.
All we have is the name of the concert hall.
Then the programs are blank. We'll give
the audience a pen. They can fill in their own.
- How about that charity luncheon next week?.
- No! No, no.
- I've already said no.
- This is wrong here. Here. just a minute.
Change the hotel in Chicago.
The room service closes after 9:.00.
Nice place in Mexico City.
Giuseppe, do me a favor, will you?
When you're through, call my office.
I want to get a little clip, okay?.
I work for Claude.
There's a barber downstairs.
Even the president's barber
cuts other people's hair.
- Girls, girls.
- All right, Claude, you can try now.
- Looks good, Claude.
- Yeah?.
- Come va? Bene?
- # [ Humming ]
- Great. Thanks, Giuseppe.
- Si, si.
- Claude--
- No, Bill. Really. Okay?.
# [ Orchestra: Classical]
I've got something here
for Norman Robbins.
- His secretary said he'd be here.
- Okay. Leave it.
- Uh-uh. My hands to his.
- Sign the register.
- # [ Continues ]
- Is that Leonard Bernstein's signature?.
Uh-uh. Larry Bernstein.
Piccolo player.
What are you talking about?.
What news?.
Well, I think there's something here...
that Mr. Eastman
should take a look at.
Really? There is?. What?.
Oh, give me a hint!
I'm not at liberty to divulge
information to non-principals.
- I understand. What is it?.
- Let's just say it's pretty heavy.
- You've gotta be kidding!
- In my business,
that's the last thing we kid about.
Uh, the envelope is sealed.
I'm sure it is. I wasn't even looking
at the envelope. I was looking at the light.
[ Hissing ]
Okay. Thank you. Very good.
Give your rsums to the janitor.
He'll know what to do with them.
[ Laughing ]
Excuse me, Virginia.
Can I borrow Max a moment?.
- Max, can I-- Do you mind?.
- I'll call you later.
[ Chuckles, Mumbles ] Max, I think you must
walk around in a constant state of heat.
- It's a good thing you don't play the cello.
- The woman is an animal.
Yeah. She's also married
to one of our patron saints.
I mean, don't get
your fingerprints on her.
- You're so virtuous in your old age.
- I'm not!
- Did you ever notice the legs on her?.
And what about the mouth?.
- No.
- Claude, the mouth.
- No, never.
- Mm. The breasts.
- Those are... terrific!
- [ Max Laughing ]
- Claude. It's cold weather coat.
Okay. Thank you, Mama.
- See you later, Norman.
- Wait a second.
- Can I walk with you for a second?.
- Yeah, sure.
- Gotta buy a gift for Daniella.
- I thought you were having lunch with her.
- She canceled.
She's doing some looping for a film.
- All right. Well, let's go.
- Okay.
- Uh, we'll talk later.
Nice to meet you.
- [Bell Dinging]
- [ Laughing ] That's nice.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- How about these?.
Well.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- [ Imitating Daniella ] Hi.
- [ Chuckles ]
- What do you think?.
- Oh. Is it for you?.
- Yes.
- You promised me!
- Don't lie to me.
- No, it's for my wife, actually.
- I'm a little too delicate for these.
- [ Laughing ]
Uh, how about a nice
Halloween gift?.
- These gold pumpkins are cute.
- Oh, yeah.
When did Halloween become
gift-oriented?. Isn't it just chocolate?.
No, that's nice, Norman. Come on.
You could get Carla one of these.
- They're very pretty.
- Carla has every single thing in this store.
She lives here. She gets mail here.
Her parents stay here at Thanksgiving.
- [ Laughing ]
- Really. Come on.
- What's the hurry?
- Please. I'm just nervous.
This is where she puts it all together.
You know what I'm saying.
I don't mind flying. I don't have to watch
the plane being built.
- Come on. Please.
- I'll take it.
[Siren Wailing]
Think that salesgirl was comin' on
to you a little bit.
Oh, yeah, you think so?.
[ Chuckles ]
- She was nice.
- Do you ever think about
screwing around anymore?.
Me?. No, not now.
Never.
Well, I mean, dont you ever fantasize
if a beautiful girl comes in to audition...
or a waitress with a great ass
brings you a cup of coffee?.
Well, I must admit, I always
enjoy a great... cup of coffee.
[ Chuckles ]
But no, I mean--
Daniella, that's it.
I'm a happily married man, Norman.
- You know?.
- Think Daniella ever thinks
about screwing around?.
Daniella?. No, never.
If she sees a good-looking
younger man, she might--
What do you mean, good-looking
younger man"?. I'm not in the grave! God.
All right, all right. Forget
"good-looking younger man."
- But hypothetically, what if
she was having an affair?.
- Not Daniella. No, no.
Forget Daniella. But say hypothetically
you're married to a beautiful young woman.
- And she's having an affair.
- Not Daniella.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not Daniella. Daniella's out.
This is a new woman.
Hypothetical. She's having an affair.
- Would you want to know?.
- Norman, are you trying to tell me something?.
Because the hair on the back
of my neck's starting to creep.
Listen, I'm sorry I ever used Daniella.
The woman's nuts about you.
She's crazy. I've never seen
a woman so much in love.
It's just a question. I was at a party,
they asked this question.
You're married to a beautiful woman, she's
having an affair-- would you want to know??'
Boy, this is-- [ Scoffs ]
This is really charming, Norman. I--
I'm-- Hypothetically, no, because,
if-if she was, then I'd want to know who...
and when and where, and-- oh.
- No, I wouldn't. Would you want to know?.
- No, no, no.
I think there are things in life
that are better left unknown.
- What's that?.
- What?.
- You just dropped this.
Did you mean to drop this?.
- I dropped nothing.
You just dropped this envelope in here.
Did you mean to drop it?.
I dropped-- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, this, yes.
What?. Oh, it's a report.
- I threw it away. It's nothing.
- What report?.
The mix-up with Giuseppe. The investigator.
This is his report. I threw it away.
- That's it?.
- Yeah. Yeah, no. No! No, no, no, no.
- Norman. Come on!
- You said you didn't want to know.
- That was hypothetically!
- You said you didn't want to know. Oh, come on.
- Come on.
- Come on. Don't. What are you doing?.
- What do you think I'm doing?.
- You're not gonna read that?.
No, I'm not gonna read it. If l was the sort
of person who'd read that report...
I'd be the sort of person who'd have my wife
followed by a detective in the first place.
You're an amazing man.
That's wonderful!
That's wonderful! Oh.
Come on. I'll give you a ride.
- No, I'm gonna walk. I need the exercise.
- Come on!
No, Daniella's spaghetti
is accumulating around my knees.
- [ Laughs ] Hey. That's an inspiration.
- It is!
- I've never seen anybody do that.
That's wonderful.
- [ Scoffs ]
- Bye. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Uh-- Yeah.
- Oh, Mr. Eastman!
- Oh! Hi, how are you?. Nice to see you.
[ Laughing ]
Dont you dare.
What if people would see us?
[ Giggles ]
[ Giggling Continues ]
- [ Ends ]
- [Electronic Beeping]
[ Softly] Carla, I feel so guilty about
the other night, I don't know what to do.
Well, you can't tell Claude
what happened. He'll go crazy.
- But it's not fair to Claude!
- Mrs. Robbins, do you mind?.
- I've got a film to finish. Thank you.
- Okay.
- I'm-- I'm leaving.
- Have a nice day, now. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I haven't done any shopping in three hours,
and I wouldn't want to hurt the economy.
What is that?.
A laughing apple?.
[ Chuckles ]
No. It's a little solid-gold pumpkin...
that Norman doesn't know
he bought for me-- it's for Halloween.
- Mrs. Robbins, please!
- I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
- And listen, don't forget.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, go.
-just go.
- Could we get one down?. It's only four lines.
Uh, yes. Shh. I'm here.
All laughing, happy!
Claude? Darling, are you home?
[ Banging All Keys, Then Playing ]
- Hi!
- Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Oh, you weren't interrupting. I was--
I was just, uh, working on the score.
- You want to hear some of it?.
- Oh, yes. Sure.
- Oh.
- Are you okay?
Mm. I feel wonderful.
Okay. Well, I'll, um--
I'll play it from where you come in through the
door, where the theme begins. There you are.
#[Piano]
- [ Whispers ] My God.
- Then you run to him. High strings.
#[Higher]
Now the rest of the strings.
Horn.
# [ Imitating Horn ]
- #[Continues ]
- That'll be your close-up.
And so on.
- Wonderful!
- No, you're wonderful.
- That's why.
- Wonderful! Mm.
How did the looping go?.
All right?.
Mm, fine. No problem.
Except I'm all laughed out.
Oh. Well, for somebody
who's all laughed out...
I think a little present
should be forthcoming.
Ohh!
- A-- A pumpkin pin?.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's beautiful. It's so delicate. I--
- Um, uh--
- [ Chuckles ] What?.
- I will wear it for, um--
- Halloween.
- Halloween."
- Yeah, I can take it back if you don't want it.
- No, no, no, no, no! I love it.
- You like it?.
- I love it.
- [ Clears Throat ]
- [ Speaking Italian ]
- [ Italian ]
Hey, Giuseppe,
stop reading my trash.
- I don't read. I look.
- Well, don't look.
You tell me always, look, in case
you throw out some piece music.
Well, look, but don't look.
[ Laughs, Speaks Italian ]
Ah! [ Italian ]
Now I go, but I don't go.
I walk, but I don't walk.
- I cook, but I don't cook.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Hey, where are you going?
- Wait a minute.
Where are you going?.
I'm going to have a little nap
before dinner. Will you come with me?.
No, I've got some work to do.
You go ahead. Okay?. Sleep well.
- Mm. All right.
- Okay.
The sleep of the innocent, huh?.
[ Chuckles ]
- Why do you say that?.
- Say what?.
- The sleep of the innocent."
- Uh, my mama used to say that
when I was a child.
Oh.
# [ Humming
La Donna Mobile" ]
- Where's the trash?. [ Clears Throat ]
- In the squeeze machine.
In the compactor?.
[ Italian ]
- [ Compactor Turns Off]
- [ Italian ]
#[Radio: La Donna Mobile'"
Continues ]
- What you got in here?.
- [ Italian ]
There.
Uh, you look for any special garbage?.
- Eggshells?.
- No.
- Coffee grounds?.
- No.
- Banana peels?.
- No.
[ Puffs ]
- [Phone Line Ringing]
- Yeah.
- Oh! Hi, Norman. Working late?.
- Yeah, I had a million things to do.
- How'd you know I was here?.
- Oh, I just took a chance.
# [Tenor,
"La Donna Mobile"]
The report, Norman. The report.
I can't read the name of the detective.
You went back to get the report?. Claude,
look. You told me you weren't interested.
I-- I'm not. [ Scoffs ]
- [ Chuckling ] I'm not!
- [Dishes Clattering]
But, uh-- You know, a lot of people make
an absolute killing in celebrity garbage.
[ Clears Throat ]
Well, Mr. Keller...
the only assistance I need
is for you to give me...
any other copies of the report,
so that I can destroy them...
as I did the one
you gave Mr. Robbins.
- You destroyed the report?.
- Yes. Oh, yes.
Y-You did read it?.
I don't know what sort of people
you're used to dealing with here...
but I-I do not have...
a suspicious bone in my body.
You don't know about the man
leaving your apartment at 1 :30?.
A man left my apartment at 1 :30?.
What's so unusual about that?.
1:30 in the morning?.
Maybe it was a repairman.
I mean, uh--
God! Uh, things break
at night, don't they?.
- Mr. Eastman, let me be honest with you.
- No. [ Sighs ]
In my business, the only thing that
gets broken in the middle of the night...
are the hearts of older men like us.
It's downright tragic.
We fall for these beautiful, young things...
and we try to believe
they're in love with us...
when every morning, our shaving mirror
yells, They can't be."
If l could just have the other reports,
it'd be fine.
Oh. Oh.
[ Clearing Throat ]
Very wise.
I only wish I'd been so wise.
- [Opening Drawer]
- You know, Mr. Eastman,
if l had it to do over again...
I wouldn't try to find out anything.
I'd just be grateful for whatever
she was willing to give me.
A year. A week.
An hour--
Oh! Here we are.
Actually, there was not much need
at all to hire me in the first place...
what with that fancy surveillance system
you have in your building.
Anybody steps into the hallway,
it automatically turns on the videotape.
Wait a minute. Are you saying there's
a tape of a man leaving my apartment?.
Sure! I got it all here.
The coming in, and the going out.
Dont you worry, Mr. Eastman.
I'll erase the tape,
and you destroy the report...
and as far as the two of us
are concerned, it never happened.
Well, that's really very reassuring.
Thank you very much.
I certainly hope that youre continuing
that Haydn series next season.
Yes, we are. Yes.
It was very successful.
- That makes me very happy.
- Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Um, was there--
Is there an outstanding account at all?.
No, no, no!
Mr. Robbins took care of everything.
- That includes the-- the tape.
- Oh, including the tape.
Yes. Good. Well,
we're all settled then. Fine.
Thanks very much.
Good-bye.
Whenever youre ready, Mr. Eastman.
[Secretaries Chattering]
- You knew.
- Uh-huh.
[ Sighs ]
I knew it. That's nothing!
That's Giuseppe.
That's the man who works for me.
No, no, no. That was at 8:30.
Look at the printout.
Any movement in the hallway
starts the tape machine automatically.
- There he is.
- [Sighs, Groans ]
I can't see who it is.
Is that all you have?
Hold on a minute there.
Now, just wait a minute.
It's not my equipment that screwed up.
Your building's tape machine--
- God!
- Right there!
- What, there?. Wh-What?.
- Let me punch in.
[ Clicking]
What?.
Well, at least you know it's a guy
who wears argyle socks.
Who wears argyle socks?.
You seemed very preoccupied.
What?.
[ Chuckles ] I said you seemed very--
Oh, my God.
- What?.
- Don't look. There's a woman--
Don't look! Don't--
Wait. There's a woman
at the bar in blue.
I've never seen a body like that.
Look very carefully. Now. Quickly. Quickly.
Oh, geez. Oh, my goodness.
- Look at the body--
- [ Chuckles ]
- I had no idea you had such a roving eye.
- I don't have a roving eye.
If a woman like that walks into your
field of vision, you look at her-- come on.
I 'm not a saint, Claude.
- [ Mumbles ]
- What are you doing?.
- I dropped my fork.
- No, you didn't. You held it
over and threw it down there.
- Where are you going?. Where are you going?
- I'm just getting the fork.
- [Norman ] Don't. Don't!
- Where's Mr. Eastman?.
Uh, he's under the table for a moment.
Claude, the waiter's here.
Shall I serve it down here,
or are you coming up?.
Thank you, number six.
Number seven, please.
#[French Horn ]
- Guess who.
- Oh! [ Sighs ]
- Hello, Daniella.
- How did you know it was me?.
Oregano.
You've been cooking again.
[ Sniffing ]
I know I was supposed to wait for you, but
do you mind if l go home and take a nap?.
Oh! [ Chuckles ]
- Another sleep of the innocent?.
- [ Chuckles ]
Go ahead. We're running late with auditions.
I'll phone you in an hour.
N-No! Don't phone.
I mean, don't phone. I'm tired.
- I'm taking the phone off the hook.
- Right.
You've been taking
a lot of naps recently.
Mm. In Italy, we do it
all the time after lunch.
I'm sure you do.
[ Laughs ] I'm sure you do.
- I love my pumpkin, Claude.
- [ Sighs ]
- Thank you.
- #[French Horn Continues ]
God--
[ Sighs ]
Thank you, number seven.
Number eight, please.
- Happy, darlin'?.
- Oh! Hi. Desperately, of course.
Hi, janet. Bill.
- Hey, listen. Don't be late tonight.
- Tonight?. Why?.
I get to meet Daniella tonight. You're
comin' to my old man's restaurant, right?.
Oh, no. I forgot. I made a date
with Norman and Carla tonight.
- I-I better cancel.
- Bring 'em.
- That's four of us.
- No, no. It's all right. Bring 'em.
- You're still paying?.
- Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay. Great.
- What are you doing this afternoon?.
- I got a matinee.
- You're performing this afternoon?.
- I got a matinee.
- # [ Continues ]
- Oh! A matinee.
Mm-hmm.
I'll see you later.
I gotta get to the hotel.
Claude?.
What do you think?.
I think he should be castrated.
- Claude. I don't think he's that bad.
- Oh?.
[ Grunting, Mumbling ]
Claude. Are you okay?.
- What?.
- Are you all right?.
- Yeah!
- Good.
- Chilly out, huh?.
- Brutal.
- It's a... closet.
- [ Knocking ]
Yes. Big one. [ Panting ]
What--
What brings you over?.
- What?.
- What brings you over here?.
[ Claude ]
Ah-- I've wanted to--
I've wanted to talk to you about that--
You know, bar 34 in the first movement.
- The tempo.
- You want to broaden it.
I think we should push straight through.
I'm-- I-- Let's do it. I'm takin' a shower.
I got the water running in there.
- No, I don't hear the water.
- It's a relatively quiet shower.
- Yeah?.
- Be right back!
[Max And Woman Whispering]
[Door Banging]
[Banging]
- Slut!
- [ Gasps ]
I thought you were my wife.
Sorry.
She said she was going home
and take a nap, so--
[ Elevator Dinging]
That's real strange.
I wonder if he heard us.
He knows. I know he knows.
[Dinging]
1 009 Park Avenue. Quick.
[Horns Honking]
# [ Humming ]
# [Daniella Singing
La Donna Mobile'"]
# [ Continues ]
# [ Continues ]
- Daniella?.
- Oh. Sweetheart?.
[Laughing]
Yeah. How was your "nap"?
[ Echoing ]
Oh, wonderful. I can't tell you.
A few hours on my back
and I'm a new woman.
God... damn it!
What was that?. Claude?.
- Nothing. Ow. Shit.
- What?
Nothing. Nothing! Listen.
I think there's something we should talk
about right now. [ Gasping ]
- What's wrong?. You sound so angry.
- Well, I am angry.
I am angry.
I'm angrier than I've-- Oh.
- Than I've ever been before.
- Ooh.
- It's not because I broke our lunch date, is it?.
- No, it's not.
- It's becau--
- Why?. [ Grunts ]
- Hmm?.
- It's beca--
It's-- Aah!
[ Groaning ]
- You put your tongue in my ear.
- [ Chuckles ] So?.
Ah, so, who taught you that?.
You've never done that before.
Of course I've done that before.
Are you trying to tell me that I wouldn't
know when a tongue is in my ea--
- No. No.
- Come on. Ohh!
I don't feel like it.
[ Grunts ]
- It feels to me like you feel like it.
- I don't.
I'm very-- I'm very...
angry with you, and--
and I want to ask you something.
- What?.
- [ Pants, Groans ]
- Ask me anything.
- I-- Oh, my God.
- What do you want to ask me?.
- Oh, God.
[ Both Sighing, Groaning ]
Oh, Norman!
- Norman?.
- Yeah.
Norman?.
Dont you mean Max, Daniella?.
No, it wasn't Max. Don't you remember, we have
to have dinner with Norman and Carla tonight?.
- [ Gasps ] Oh, we're late. Quickly!
- What?.
Oh. I have to dry
my hair and dress.
# [ "Chattanooga Choo Choo"
In Hungarian ]
- Claude, you married the Madonna!
- Daniella, this is Max.
- I've heard so much about you,
I feel I already know you.
- [ Chuckling ] Max!
Well, I feel the same. I've heard you
on the record, of course, many times.
But I'm told you're
better in the flesh, you know?.
Oh, well. You know, Claude thinks
I'm too much of a showman, you know.
He says I don't concentrate
on my technique.
Listen, tonight,
in your honor, if l play...
I am giving all my attention
to my fingering.
# [ Hungarian, You Make
Me Feel So Young" ]
- Hi. Hi.
- Mm!
- Hi, Carla.
- How's the show, Norman?.
The show is very, very good. This is like
being trapped in an airport in Budapest.
I've got to make a quick call
before we eat. Max!
- The phone is where?.
- Right outside the men's room, Norman.
Good design.
just like American restaurants.
You know, my father's been beggin' for you
to come back and say hello.
He's right here in the kitchen.
You want to come?.
We'll be, uh--
be right back, okay?.
Right back.
What was that?
Claude came to Max's hotel room
today while I was there.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- Did he see you?.
- No, but I think he heard me.
That is why he's been
acting so strange!
I bet you he found out that you and Max
used our apartment when he was out of town.
If l would have known what you two were
going to do, I never would have let you in.
Well, we didn't know what
we were gonna do either.
Anyway, don't worry about it.
Max is handling it right now.
He's gonna tell him everything, and
I'm sure Claude will understand perfectly.
You know what's goin' on, dont you?.
- What do you think?.
- Claude, I owe you an explanation.
- Oh, is that all you owe me?.
- Come on, will ya?.
You were no stranger to married women
before you and Daniella got together.
- Don't put me into the category--
- Yeah, but they werent married to friends!
I know. Due to extenuating circumstances.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
The only thing extenuating is your pecker,
which arises automatically...
in the presence of
the nearest female flesh!
- I don't blame you for being upset.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm glad you're so understanding.
- I didn't start it.
Are you trying to tell me
she started it?.
It isn't important who started it.
It just happened.
- Excuse me.
- I'm not apologizing for it.
Well, what are you
apologizing for?.
- I was apologizing for using your apartment.
- Oh, let me get this straight.
You're not apologizing for the affair,
just for using our... apartment!
- Keep your voice down, will you?.
- Oh, I'll be calm.
You want us to come to the hotel
in the middle of the night?.
- End up in The Enquirer, right?.
- Yeah. Anywhere.
Right, Claude?. Right.
Would you calm down?.
- All right, what are you--
- Look, this is nothing serious!
- Nothing serious?.
- No, I'm gonna see her a few
more times, and that'll be it.
- Take your hands off!.Jesus!
- Hey. [ Chuckling ]
If it hadn't been me,
it would have been somebody else.
[ Chuckling ]
Papa Stein's pride and joy,
Max Stein!
- [Cheering, Applauding]
- Max.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Claude Eastman!
Do you think we could get him to join me
in a serenade to his lovely new bride, Daniella?.
That's not what he just told me
in the kitchen! Give me a fiddle.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the greatest conductor in the world,
and the worst fiddler in the club...
Mr. Claude Eastman.
- [ Shouts In Hungarian ]
- # [ Orchestra ]
# [ Gypsy]
[ Gasping ]
This is insane, Claude.
Huh?. I know youre angry with me.
- Cant we talk about it?.
- There's nothing left to talk about.
In Italy, when this kind of thing happens,
we show our emotions.
In New York, we sulk.
No! No, no, no, no, no,
Claude.
I won't let you ignore me like this.
Hit me, huh?. Come on.
Hit me. Hit me.
Beat me. Do anything,
but let's get it over with.
No! No, no. No, listen.
- I know it was a stupid thing to do.
- Hmm.
But when I let Max in, I didn't think
things would go so far.
- What did you think?.
- I don't know!
I thought he came to play...
gin rummy.
You don't even know how
to play gin rummy.
That's why I went to bed.
[ Sighs ]
You went to bed because you don't
know how to play gin rummy?.
- No! No. I went to bed because
it was 1 :00 in the morning.
- Oh.
I was tired. I fell asleep.
You did it while you were asleep?.
[ Grunts ]
That's what I'm trying
to tell you, Claude.
- I had no control over what happened.
- Aah!
Believe me, he was "een and out" so fast
I didn't know what was going on.
"Een and out"?.
"Een and out"?.
Well, that's what happened!
I'm sorry.
I mean, uh--
I shouldn't have been so generous!
Generosity?. Godda--
Is that what you call it in Italy?.
Yes, that's what we call it.
What do you call it in-- in New York?.
[ Sputtering ]
In New York, we ca--
We call it shameful.
We call it disgusting,
immoral and unforgivable!
Ed, have you seen my wife?.
Did she come out?.
She just went around the corner.
You should have seen him. He's like
a different man. I don't know.
[ Carla ] He's like every other man.
Give him time to cool off.
Go to a movie for a couple of hours,
come home, make love to him.
He'll be fine.
Look, I've gotta go now. Give me
a little laugh before I hang up.
- A laugh?.
-just a little laugh.
[ Forced Chuckle ]
That's funny.
- Come on, Daniella. You can do it.
- I can't laugh!
- Yes, you can.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- Come on.
-[Laughing Hysterically]
[ Laughing Continues ]
[Horns Honking]
[Horn Honks ]
[Movie Soundtrack:
Woman Speaking Italian ]
[ Man Speaking Italian ]
- [ Grunts ]
- Hey!
Sorry.
Uh, excuse me.
[ Italian Continues ]
- [ Woman Gasps ]
- Oh! Sorry.
Excuse me. Ooh!
Oh.
[ Groans ]
[Movie: Bell Tolls ]
[ Bell Tolls ]
- You whore!
- [ Screaming ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
[People Chattering]
- Anything else to sign?.
- Nope.
He's all yours.
- What are you doing?.
- What?.
You walk out of an audition.
You missed a photo session.
You missed a meeting
with Columbia Records.
- You don't even wanna know
why I was arrested?.
- Talk to a doctor.
- Don't! Daniella is cheating on me.
- [ Gagging ]
I wouldn't even know about it
if you hadn't hired a private eye!
[ Screams ]
You bit me, you--
Stop it! Stop it! Police! Police!
[ Groaning ]
Police!
[ Screaming ]
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay.
- So you found Keller.
- Uh-huh.
What are you gonna do?.
I've done some time,
and I've given it a lot of thought.
- I know what has to be done.
- Two hours isn't time."
You spend two hours in that tank!
- I am going to do nothing.
- Nothing?.
Yeah.
Dont you understand?.
That cheating, conniving woman has given
me more happiness than I've ever known.
Who is it?. just initials.
Give me one--
- Norman! It's not important.
- Give me one initial.
For me, it does not exist.
That's an admirable quality.
I don't think I have that quality.
You don't.
[ Sighs ] I'm a middle-aged man
married to a child.
I should be grateful for
anytime she's willing to give me.
A year, a week, an hour.
If youd be good enough
to give me a lift uptown...
I'd like to spend some time
alone with my wife.
That's a good idea. Patch things up.
Clear your mind of those filthy images.
- Norman!
- No, no. I know. You know.
[ Growling ]
Oink! Oink!
- Oink! Oink!
- [ Screams ]
- Oh. Oh.
- How do you like him, huh?.
Ahh! Ahh!
Isn't it wonderful?.
I got a few masks for us for Halloween.
You-- Great.
So... are we still mad
at each other?.
Us mad at each other?.
Aw, come on.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I'm sorry I woke you up.
No. No. I was-- I was resting.
just working on the score.
Oh, I-- I thought it was finished.
I just made a few changes
in the love scene.
Where've you been?.
I was mad, so I went
to the cinema to cool off.
Would you believe, a maniac attacked
two people in the theater?.
Oh, this town is full of weird people.
[ Claude ] Giuseppe, I have a friend,
a very close friend, who has this problem.
- Norman.
- No, one of the men in the orchestra.
- You don't know him.
- I see.
- My friend is married to
a beautiful young woman.
- Eh?. Fortunato.
- And he's very much in love,
- Hmm.
- passionately in love.
- Hmm.
But one day recently, uh,
he found out that she was...
uh--
cheating.
- Indescrezione.
- [ Speaking Italian ]
- I agree.
- [ Italian Continues ]
- Absolutely.
- [ Shouting In Italian ] Mmm!
I agree.
Now, if-- If you were he,
what would you do about it?.
Well, if, uh, if he love her...
then he got to treat her
with kindness.
- Hmm.
- Sincerit.
- Understanding?.
- Ah, si, si.
Come here, my darling.
Vieni qui. Vieni qui, carina.
"Oh, bella, bella. Perfetto.
[ Kissing ]
Carina. Bellis--
Oh, accomadati.
Lie down. Lie down. Ohh.
Bella bambini. '"
[ Kisses ]
[ Speaking Italian Angrily]
[ Yelling In Italian ]
- Capito?
- Oh, capito.
And any man
who would do less...
is less than a man.
I'll tell him. Hmm.
[Celia]
What about this one?
This one?
[Yelling] This one?
Yeah, you can erase it.
What about this one?.
This one! What about this tape?.
- Robbins.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
# [ Humming ]
That's that Claude Eastman job.
You can erase that.
Wait a minute. You gotta listen
to this. Let me hit the speakers.
# [ Orchestra: Dramatic ]
Hold it! Freeze frame!
# [ Continues ]
Major screw-up.
- [Phone Ringing]
- I'll get it. You get the elevator.
- Yeah.
- Uh, Mr. Eastman?. jess Keller.
Boy, am I glad I caught you.
- You know the guy on the tape?.
- Yeah, I know. Max Stein.
- The violinist?.
- Yes.
Max Stein,
the fornicating fiddle player.
Listen, if youre as much a fan
of his as I think you are...
you'd better catch
his performance tonight.
It's going to be his last.
- [Crowd Applauding]
- [ Claude Narrating]
And so I look at that face...
and wonder, "Can I destroy something
so perfect, so beautiful?'"
- [ Man In Crowd] Bravo!
- But as Giuseppe said...
Any man who does less
is less than a man. '"
Bravo!
[ Cheering ]
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
jess Keller to see Mr. Eastman.
It's very important.
- After the concert.
- Please, it's urgent! He knows me!
- After the concert.
- That may be too late!
- I'm sorry, sir. After the concert.
- I know. After the concert.
# [ Orchestra Tuning Up ]
[Applause ]
# [ Tuning ]
# [ Strings Begin ]
# [ Volume Increasing]
# [ Tempo Slows ]
# [ Orchestra, Violin Continue ]
# [ Echoing]
Well, you were splendid tonight, Max.
Absolutely wonderful.
That's exceedingly generous of you.
I couldn't have done it without you.
- I know.
- [ Chuckles ]
Max, I've been thinking
about the other night.
I realize I've been behaving
rather foolishly.
Byway of apology, I'd like to invite you to
join Daniella and me at the Tea Room tonight.
Terrific. I'd love it.
#[Violin, Orchestra Continue ]
Testing.
[ Claude's Voice ]
Testing.
Claude, old boy,
I want to tell you a story...
that will kill you and Daniella.
- Claude, old boy--
- [knocking]
Come.
Daniella, my... dear, sweet wife.
Hi. I wanted to tell you
how moved I was by your concert.
You-- You were magnificent.
It was for you.
It was my apology.
What?.
Do you mean that, Claude?.
I've been acting like a bloody fool.
That's all over now.
I've invited Max to join us
at the Tea Room...
as a token of my good faith.
Hmm.
- I don't deserve you.
- Well--
By the way, those wonderful
Halloween masks you bought--
do you have them with you?.
Hmm. Of course.
They're in the car. Why?.
We've been invited
to a Halloween party afterwards.
[People Chattering, Laughing]
[Max ] The doctor says to the lady,
We got good news and bad news. '"
What's the bad news??' Your husband
has to undergo immediate surgery."
What's the good news??' He says,
I think we can save the violin."
[ Raucous Laugh ]
[Both Laughing]
- Ahh.
- Your wifes a great audience.
- No kidding. What a sense of humor.
- It's the Italian in her.
They love to laugh.
I mean, you only have to do this,
and laughs just--
[ Screaming ]
Pour some more champagne.
Loosen the trollop's tongue.
Everything else is very, very loose.
Why shouldnt that be loose too?
Oh, my God!
No, Max! Please stop!
Don't do that!
I cannot take it anymore.
Max, why don't you regale us with that tale
about those Armenian twins?.
- Tell us.
- Zelda and Mimi?.
Zelda and Mimi.
- This'll kill you.
- [Daniella Screams ]
[Daniella ]
You're crazy.
[ Guffawing ]
[ Slurred ]
Good evening.
[ Both Laughing ]
- Max, right in here.
- Oh!
[ Hysterical Laughing ]
Max. For you.
- Oh.
- Mr. Pig. Le cochon.
- Look at that pig!
- The swine.
Darling, for you--
La donna misteriosa.
Oh, la donna misteriosa.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Oh! I didn't understand a word of that.
And, of course, for me,
most appropriately...
the filthy old man.
Let me see it.
[ Screams ]
- That looks like you.
- Oh, it is me. It is me, yes.
My darling, let's stop off
at the apartment.
I want you to wear
that black dress of yours.
[Muffled Laughter]
Good evening.
[ Laughing ]
- Eddie. Happy Halloween.
- Mr. Eastman.
- Eddie, happy Halloween.
- Yes.
Under this monstrosity lurks
Mr. Max Stein.
Ta-da!
He has been known to look better.
But he can look much worse.
[ Giggling ]
# [ Humming ]
- Darling! [ Whistles ]
- Yes.
- Is this the one?.
- Perfect.
Hmm!
Don't be too long
changing, darling.
We dont want to be
late for the party, do we?.
Ah, Max. More champagne?.
- All right.
- Good. Let's go to the kitchen.
Ahh. Max.
- What?. Hey.
- Mm-hmm.
- To a memorable evening, buddy.
- I'll drink to that.
Mmm. Very good.
Max, old boy, I hope youll excuse me.
I have a few things to tend to.
Well, you go right ahead...
but I'm gonna stay right here.
- You know, I should have
had a bite at the Tea Room.
- Yes?.
But it's all right 'cause
I'll stay here, I'll raid the icebox.
[ Daniella Screaming ]
Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop!
Stop!
[ Screaming ]
[ Triumphant Laugh ]
- Daniella, where are you?.
- I'm still dressing.
Well, hurry up, darling.
I'll be waiting for you in the lobby.
[ Max On Tape] Don't go back
on your word! I won't let you!
I'm gonna kill you and Claude!
- I'm gonna kill you!
- Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop! Stop!
[ Max On Tape ] Don't try and get away.
No way, Daniella. No way!
[ Daniella On Tape ]
Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop!
- [ Max On Tape ] I'm gonna kill you!
- Police?.
- [ Daniella Screaming On Tape ]
- [Eddie ] This is an emergency.
[Max On Tape ]
I'm gonna kill you and Claude!
[Diabolical Laughing]
- Yeah, someone's getting killed!
- [ Screams ]
Hurry!
1 009 Park!
No! No, I--
No, Max! Max!
Give me--
No, don't!
No, spare me!
[ Grunts ] Max, don't kill me!
Oh, Max! Max, listen!
- You've gone mad, Max!
-Jesus!
[ Grunting ]
Max!
How could you?.
- Daniella?.
- What have you done?.
- Daniella?. Daniella?.
- What have you done?.
Daniella! No!
- [ Claude ] Yes.
- No!
- Yes.
- Daniella!
- I thought you were our friend, Max.
- Daniella!
Having been found guilty
by a jury of your peers...
it is the sentence of this court
that you be taken from this chamber...
and thence to a place of execution.
Execution?. I didn't do it.
Where you shall be hanged
by the neck until dead.
I'm innocent! I'm innocent!
- [ Gavel Rapping]
- Claude!
Claude, I beg of you!
Please stop this!
Tell them I didn't do it!
Tell them I'm innocent!
[ Evil Cackling Continues ]
#[Orchestra: Dramatic]
Ah!
[Cackling]
[ Cackling Continues ]
[ Cackling ]
[ Cackling ]
# [Fast Tempo ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [Audience Applauding, Cheering]
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
[ Woman ]
Bravo!
Ah, Max. Max, you were
extraordinary tonight.
- I mean, really wonderful.
- I know.
I thought I gave a certain amount
of help in the last movement.
- No more than any other conductor, Claude.
- I know. Please. Max.
Listen, uh...
I-I-- Listen, I'm--
I know I behaved
a little strangely the other night.
I've been thinking about it, you know?.
Byway of an apology, I'd like you to join
Daniella and me at the Tea Room tonight.
- Oh, you would?.
- Yeah. Fifteen minutes, okay?.
- We'll make it some other night.
- Some other night?. No!
It has to be tonight! Hi, Sidney.
Thank you. It was beautifully played.
It has to be tonight!
It has to be tonight.
What's the big deal about tonight?.
I-I-I--
I made reservations.
- Well, you cancel them.
- I've never canceled a reservation
in my entire life!
- I, uh-- Listen!
- Great.
Thankyou, jack. I have never
canceled reservations in my life.
Claude Eastman does
not cancel reservations.
- This would be the first time.
My reputation would be shot!
- Would you relax?.
- [ Voice Breaking ] I'm relaxed.
-just relax.
- I'll be there in 20 minutes.
I'm not staying long.
- Thank you!
What do you mean,
you're not staying long?.
You cant just have a few drinks and pop off.
Daniella will be humiliated.
I will be mortified.
You-- Please.
- Okay.
- Okay?.
-just let me slip out of my clothes, okay?.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you wear tails because A":
you look great in tails...
and B": we might be going somewhere
where we have to wear tails, okay?.
Yeah. Tails.
Tails?. Tails.
[ Stammers ]
Because, honestly, I-I-I--
Lots of places in this city will not
let you in without tails.
That's true. Believe me.
It's becoming obsessive, eh?
Tails, tails.
[ Grunts ]
Ow.
[ Frustrated Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
Ow.
[ Strained Exhaling, Grunting ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Sighs, Panting ]
[ Sighs ]
God.
[ Loud Crashing ]
[ Exhales ]
Ah.
Testing--
Testing.
- Claude, old boy, I want to tell you a story--
- [knocking]
[ Gasps ]
just a minute!
just a minute. Come in!
Wh-What are you doing
in the office?.
- What?.
- What are you doing in the office?
- Business. just picking up on business.
- Oh.
Are we-- Are we talking
to each other now?.
- Of course. Of course. Didn't Max tell you?.
- No. What?
Well, it's all forgotten, and, uh,
the three of us are getting together...
at the Tea Room later.
Well, about 1 5 minutes.
Now, really.
Dont you think we
should be alone tonight?.
Alone?. Oh, no, no!
- We have to be with Max tonight.
- Why?.
Be-- Aw, come on.
Because, um, we've been invited
to a Halloween party later on.
- Who's giving it?.
- Friends. Don't ask questions.
Friends. Close friends.
Have you got those wonderful
Halloween masks that you bought?.
- No. No.
- What?.
I didn't think youd be in this mood
to celebrate Halloween.
Oh, come on. Don't be silly.
It's my favorite holiday. You think
I'm gonna miss all that candy?.
Hey, kids! Hey, kids.
Uh, I'll give you--
I've give you $50 for the masks.
- These masks?.
- Are you kidding?.
- No!
- Of course not.
- Let's see the money.
- Fifty dollars for the three masks.
- I'm not kidding. Here. Hey, hey.
- Oh, my God!
- Terrific. Thank you. Have a nice Halloween.
- You too!
- Okay. Come on.
- I can't believe you gave
$50 for those cheap masks.
It's the thought that counts.
One life, and it's all over. Enjoy it while--
[Man On Radio ] The ambassador is sure
that the president would talk to the FB.I....
but added that the president
knows nothing about the incident.
West German Chancellor Helmut kohl
today ended his Moscow visit--
- How long will it be before
Mr. Eastman comes down?.
- Pardon?.
- Mr. Eastman. When will
he be coming through?.
- He goes out the other exit.
Too many people usually waiting around,
waiting for autographs.
He likes to avoid that.
Are you kidding?.
A toast.
Two beautiful, young people.
May you never grow old.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Claude's Voice ] Testing.
- [ Claude On Tape ] Claude, old boy--
- [ Choking ]
[ With Taped Voice ]
I wanted to tell you a story!
- Were you just talking to me?.
- I just had a frog in my throat.
Oh.
I wanted you to tell us the story
about the two Armenian girls...
the twins.
- [ Coughing]
- The Armenian twins?.
Zelda and Mimi.
To the best of my knowledge, I've never
met Armenian twins in my life.
Max! The, um--
The Armenian twins!
Oh, no. You-- You told me about
these two girls that you met...
and they-- they-- Armenian girls!
Armenian girls.
That night I spent with the two Argentinean
girls in the boarding school in Buenos Aires.
Right! Right. Tell Daniella.
- Tell her!
- [ Chuckling ]
This'll kill ya!
[Both Laughing]
What are we doing here?.
Oh, uh, I want you to put on
that black dress you have.
It'll look great
with the white mask.
- What's wrong with this one?.
- Do it!
All right!
I can't find the black dress.
- Put on anything!
- I thought you wanted the black one.
Black, green, scarlet, pink!
It doesn't matter!
Where are the sleeping pills?.
We never had any. Why would
you want sleeping pills now?
Uh, n-never mind.
What happens if you take
a lot of tranquilizers?.
You go to sleep, I guess.
- [Shouts] Are you under tension?
- No! No!
More champagne, Max?.
Max?.
Oh, there. Good.
- You don't mind, do you?. I'm still hungry here.
- No, no. Go ahead.
Eat anything you like. I'll just open
another bottle of champagne.
No. Thanks, Claude.
I've had enough now. Okay?.
What-- Come on. Have some champagne.
I can open another bottle.
- I'm not thirsty.
- You're kidding!
- I'm not thirsty.
- Don't be--
You're not thirsty?. My mouth is as dry
as the bottom of a parrot's cage.
Drink with me.
Have a glass. just one glass.
- These are good.
- Orange juice, okay?.
- Freshly squeezed.
- No.
- Okay. Plenty of juices. Apricot. Cranberry.
- I don't like it.
It's heavy on calories. You don't want it.
Keep away from that.
Pineapple. No, it's too acidy,
with the peppers.
A glass of milk.
A nice glass of raw milk?.
- Mm-mmm.
- Uh, water?. We've got plenty of water.
Pellegrino, Vichy, Perrier, Evian?.
Olive oil?. Please!
- You've got a Coke?.
- What?.
just give me a Coke, all right?.
A Coke?.
- You know what a Coke--
- A Coke! Coca-Cola!
I'll join you in a Coke.
join you in a Coke. Uh--
You don't even have any Coke.
- I-- I've got Coke.
- Hey, Claude.
- I've got Coke!
- Hey, don't-don't-- don't go to any trouble.
- It's no trouble.
- It's not a big deal.
- I want a Coke!
- Forget it.
Forget it?. Are you kidding?.
I want a Coke! You got me going now.
- You hit the button.
There's a refrigerator upstairs.
- Forget it.
- No, we have a refrigerator
swarming with Coke upstairs.
- You're out of your mind.
What kind of a household
doesn't have any Coke?.
We're out of Coke!
I mean, this may go--
This may go down in Italy,
but in America, it's unpardonable.
I'm sorry. I took the last one.
- What?
- Mmm.
- Claude!
- Give me that.
We have a thirsty guest.
[Max]
So it was dreadful.
Well, he didn't bother to review
the Mozart, he won't bother with this.
[ Quiet Grunting ]
No. Because I went
through this last year with him.
- I don't-- I do not want to do it.
- [ Mock Coughing ]
- Are you all right?.
- Yes, just coughing.
Don't bring him here.
just-- Okay.
Promise me that, all right?.
[ Gasps ]
Shit.
Sunday, 4:00 at Juilliard.
Okay. You've got it.
I don't care.
I'll see you then. Bye.
[ Panting ]
- [ Clinks ]
- Cheers.
I'll just go and hurry Daniella up.
[ Groans ]
- [ Max On Tape ] Oh, what a night that was.
- Oh!
[ Max ] This'll kill you!
[ Daniella ]
Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop!
- [ Screams ]
- Zelda and Mimi.
I'm not gonna tell that story
in front of your wife.
Oh, what a night that was.
This'll kill you!
[Voices Overlapping ]
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
Daniella, where are you?.
- I'll be down in a minute.
- Oh, okay. Well, hurry up.
We're in the kitchen.
Uh, I mean, we're-- we're in the lobby.
We'll meet you in the lobby.
[ Chuckles ]
[Loud Clattering]
[Thunder Rumbling]
[Thunder Continues ]
Ow!
[ Groans ]
Uh--
[ Man On Tape ]
Your usual table is ready, Mr. Eastman.
[ Man #2 ]
More coffee, Mr. Eastman?.
[ Max ] I never met
Armenian twins in my life.
Max! Oh.
- [ Man #1 ] More coffee, Mrs. Eastman?.
- [ Man #3 ] Pass the salt.
[ Man #4 ] Claude, it's so good
to see you. Check, please.
[ Grunting ]
Eddie, where's my husband?.
He hasn't come through here.
- He just called me from the lobby.
- I haven't seen him.
- What's going on up there?.
- Up where?.
There!
[ Claude ]
Oh, stop it.
- Stop it, Max.
- Has Mr. Eastman come in yet?.
- What?.
- Aw, shit!
- What?.
- Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?.
- Uh, Mrs. Eastman!
- [ Slurring Words ] Don't kill me, Max.
- Uh, Mrs. Eastman!
- [ Slurring Words ] Don't kill me, Max.
Help!
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.
- Saw him coming out of your apartment.
- [ Speaking Italian ]
- He believed that Max and I--
- Oh!
Claude,
you believed that?.
Hello, Daniella.
Oh. Ow.
And you--
[ Angry Sigh ]
Is everything all right,
Mrs. Eastman?
Ah, signora.
[Speaking Italian ]
- No!
- [ Italian Continues ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
Does this mean you don't go
to the Halloween party?.
This means we're not
going to go anywhere anymore!
[Speaking Italian ]
You're still living-- You're alive!
That means he only killed Max.
- Claude didn't kill anybody. What you say?.
- Max is living?.
- Max is alive!
- What are you doing here?.
Some crazy detective
called Norman.
- What's going on upstairs?.
What's happening in there?.
- What's going on upstairs?.
- Whatever it is is your fault.
- My fault?.
A little mistake?.
God!
- [Max] Hey, Claude?
- Hello?. Hello?.
Claude.
You're not gonna tell Norman
about this, are you?.
No, no. Some people
can't handle that sort of information.
[ Crashing ]
My wife, uh--
I don't know what the hell youre talking
about! Let me tell you something.
If they taught English on Ellis Island,
this never would have happened!
- You don't speak English!
- Norman, your father doesn't speak English!
- You leave my father out of this!
- [ Shouts In Italian ]
- You didn't kill anybody?.
- No.
Leave my father out of this.
Don't bring my family into this.
- It was a misunderstanding.
- Oh!
- Circumcisional--
- [Arguing Continues ]
Eh, circumstantial
evidence...
was conspiring against you.
I didn't do anything!
I know, but it-- it--
[ Arguing Continues ]
No, no, no, no, no!
No, I--
I-- I-- You have
every right to be angry...
but I did what I did because
the thought of you with another man...
was driving me nuts!
- That was your fault, not mine!
- Dan--
I curse you,
and I curse your shoes!
Well, if you believe in that stuff,
I curse your crotch!
I admit I behaved badly.
- Badly?.
- Yeah.
- You didn't believe in me.
- I--
[ All Yelling ]
- Shut up. Shut up.
- We were cursing each other!
You remember when you wanted me
to give you that trim?.
- I don't want a trim from you!
- Okay.
- Oh, my God Almighty!
- [ Yelling In Italian ]
[ Voice Breaking ]
A Kennedy gave me this tie. Oh, my God!
Taxi!
Daniel--
Okay.
Daniella, I don't blame you
for not wanting to talk to me.
Any man in your position
would do the same.
In my position.
Uh, our position.
- So, where-- where was I?.
- Behaving badly?.
Right. You were
behaving badly. Thank you.
Me?. Me?. No. You.
- Right. Not me, you.
- You!
You. Hmm. Yeah.
All--All right.
The truth is, Daniella, I don't think
I'm ever gonna change, you know?.
From being a jealous man.
So, uh, just maybe...
uh, you'd be better off
without me.
[ Scoffs ]
Aren't you gonna stop me?.
Listen...
I may be jealous...
but I'm... really very sick.
Oh.
[ Sighs ]
I guess we're... not going
to the Halloween party.
No, and they're not
very good friends anyway.
We can go if you want to.
I'm fine, really.
They're nice people.
Very nice people.
Have a cup of coffee.
I'll be very nice.
[ Muttering, Indistinct ]
# [Man, Singing]
# [ Continues ]
# [ Continues ]
# [Fades ]
# [ Continues ]
- # [Ends ]
- [Applause ]
[ Woman ]
Bravo!
[Man Narrating]
My name is Claude Eastman.
As you've probably guessed,
I'm a symphony conductor.
You may have heard of me.
I didn't always possess this uniform.
For 20-oddyears, I ate,
drank and dreamt music.
I became a-- well,
what the hell, I'll say it--
great conductor and,
simultaneously, a lonely man.
I wanted more.
- Love, probably.
- Bravo!
Be careful what you wish.
You just might get it.
I met her on tour, in Venice.
She was acting in a film.
We fell in love and married
almost immediately.
She made me young.
She gave me life.
It was--
It was great while it lasted.
But tonight, it will all
cease to exist for me.
Because tonight,
I'm going to... kill her.
My problem began four days ago.
I had just returned
from a concert in England.
[ Woman On P.A. ]
Now arriving at gate 73.
There he is. Claude!.
Hi! Oh, mm!
- [ Giggles ]
- Oh! God.
Oh, I don't believe it. You look more
beautiful on Thursday than you did on Sunday.
I think youre
improving with age.
Why dont you ever say things
like that to me, Norman?.
- Because she's nine years old.
- Oh.
- Hello, Claude.
- Oh, hi, Carla. How are you?.
- I'm just wonderful.
- Did you think of me often?.
Every night, as soon
as the girls left, I'd--
- Claude Eastman returns
to his homeland in triumph."
- Hello, Norman. How are you?.
- "Fine, thank you. Very well." That's Norman.
- This is wonderful.
Sold out Albert Hall.
Listen to this.
A master of late romantic
repertoire."
[ Speaking Italian ]
Bene, bene. I want to get the luggage
before somebody steals it.
- All right.
- Give me the ticket.
- Thank you.
- That's it.
Get copies made of the London reviews.
Make sure that Paul sees this.
- This is very, very important.
- Norman and that machine are joined at the lip.
- I know.
- Listen, this is gonna help the BBC interview.
Interview?.
Oh, my dear, I was supposed to do the Time
interview with jerzy for the movie.
- When?.
- Now. Carla, come with me. I have to call.
I've missed it.
- Don't worry about it.
He'll think it's very Italian.
- Yes.
He'll kill me. Come on.
She is cute.
They're all cute the first year.
- Aha.
- What?.
- Your eyelid fluttered.
- Fluttered?.
You're doing too much.
You're wearing yourself thin.
- And you're losing all perspective.
- [ Scoffs ]
- This marriage to Daniella--
- Oh, Norman. Not again.
- Look, maybe we're overbooking you.
- Well, you're not!
Well, two concerts a week.
Scoring Daniella's movie.
- [ Sighs ]
- You marry a very beautiful woman--
[ Simultaneously]
A very much younger--
Very much younger.
Half your age.
- And I'm being kind.
- So, what are you saying?.
I'm saying it's affecting you.
You go out of town
for three days...
and you're this jealous?.
jealous?.
jealous of what?.
It's none of my business,
but having me hire a private eye...
to watch your wife while youre out
of town is not my idea of complete trust.
What are you talking about?.
Private eye?.
- Private eye. A detective.
- What detective?.
Giuseppe told me you wanted to hire a
detective to watch Daniella while you were gone.
- This was my instructions.
- Giuseppe?.
- Yes.
- My Giuseppe?. This Giuseppe here?.
- Of course!
- [ Italian ]
Hire a private eye?.
What--
Oh! That's not what I said.
I told him to tell you to keep an eye
on Daniella while I was gone.
Take her to a movie. Take her to dinner.
Make sure she wasn't lonely.
- Keep an eye on her!
- He told me to hire a private eye.
- Didn't I tell you that couldn't be right?.
- Oh. That was--
- I told you it couldn't be right. He doesn't
know what I'm talking about.
- You see this?.
An eye. Keep an eye" on her.
- We had this discussion, didn't we, Giuseppe?.
- Okay. An eye.
I said, "Detective?'"
You said, Yes. '"
An eye. Keep an eye on her.
Occhio. Occhio.
- [ Italian Continues ]
- [ Italian ]
I said, A detective??' You said yes.
You don't know what a detective is.
[ Yelling In Italian ]
What does
a detective" mean?.
- [ Italian ]
- Why dont you carry a dictionary then?.
- Hold it!
- [ Italian ]
- Si, si, si.
- Forget it.
- Forget it?. Does Daniella
know anything about this?.
- Of course not.
I'm not gonna tell her. The private eye
won't tell her. He's a private eye.
- Make sure that Dan--
- What's the matter?.
Oh. [ Scoffs ]
just a typical booking
misunderstanding.
- How was your call?. Was jerzy mad?.
-jerzy was very angry with me.
- What's going on here, dear?.
- Unimportant. I don't even remember.
[Horns Honking]
All right. I'll park the car
and then I'll bring out the luggage.
Eh? Signora.
Whoops!
- Mr. Eastman. Nice to have you back.
- Thanks, Eddie.
- Come sta?
- Bene.
- Broken again?.
- Yeah. Now they're wiring it for sound.
- Oh, good. We can get mugged in stereo now.
- [Laughing] Modern technology.
- Yeah.
- Could have hired 10 doormen
for what this thing cost.
- Well, at least we don't have
to tip the machine at Christmas.
- Right.
- [ Laughs ]
- Funny guy.
When I met the queen, I didn't know
whether to kneel, bow or curtsy.
- What did you do?.
- Ah.
I knelt, Your Majesty.
- [ Daniella ] You did not!
- Marrone!
Oh, I'm unhappy. I've done nothing but cook
and eat since you've been gone.
- I gained three pounds.
- Three pounds!
How disgusting! Where are they?.
I want to eat every--
- No, no, no, no, no, no. [ Laughing ]
- Now I've got you.
I'm going to eat
every one, individually.
- What's that?.
- What?. Oh!
Norman said to put it
where you wouldn't miss it.
You have rehearsal
with Max at 9:.00 a.m.
Don't be late, huh?.
The two of you look so handsome.
Oh, take it down.
I don't want to see it.
- Why not?.
- Because!
That man is keeping us apart.
Wha-- [ Sighs ]
What do you mean?.
I love Max, but tomorrow morning I want
to be in a warm bed with you...
not in a... cold rehearsal studio
with him.
The maestro and his young protg.
Hmm. [ Scoffs ] Daniella.
You know what I said about
you improving with age?.
- Do you think that's true of me?.
- Of cou--
[ Stuttering ]
I mean, do you-- Are you--
No. Are you gonna miss--
um... [ Chuckles ] younger men?.
- The truth?.
- No!
- What a question.
- [ Scoffs ]
Younger men are like
fast food restaurant, you know?.
- It's quick, but not all that good.
- Oh, well.
- [ Chuckles ]
- But with you, it's like dining...
at the most wonderful,
expensive restaurant in the world.
- [ Snorts ]
- Of course, the service may be a little slow.
Yeah, but--
[ Shouts ]
# [ Classical:
Violin, Piano ]
# [ Humming ]
Great.
- That's great!
- Well, it was all right.
[ Laughs ]
Come on. It's great.
Lovely. Really.
Listen, what about here?.
Do you want that a little--
a little broader?.
- # [ Singing ]
- A little more rallentando here,
'cause it needs the time.
And just keep this steady,
because I want to lay this in more.
- Very strict. Okay.
- Yeah.
- # [ Humming ] Okay.
- We did it that way in Vienna
last spring. It works well.
Claude, you have rehearsal in half an hour.
And Giuseppe's here for your haircut.
- Oh, okay.
- By the way, congratulations.
- What?
- Your child bride. She's, uh-- She's outrageous.
- What, you met her already?.
- What?.
- You met her already?
- No. No, I didn't meet her.
I, uh--
I saw one of her movies, in Venice.
- About, uh, two weeks ago.
- Terrific!
Yeah. She's--
She's real nice.
[ Chuckles ] Coming from you, Max,
I feel I've done something right at last.
- Well, you have.
- Well, I'll rehearse with the orchestra
this morning.
- I'll see you this afternoon.
- Okay.
Okay.
[Door Closes ]
- [Assistant]2:00, Steve Weintraub, pianist.
- Right.
- 2:45, violinist Leonard Bragg.
- Hold it. Hold it.
- 3:.00, Norman--
- One week from tonight,
we find out about China.
Norman, I told you, I don't want to
even consider China right now--
- Giuseppe, you're gonna make a hole back there.
- [ Italian ]
What, are you shrugging Off a continent?.
There's 800 million people there.
- I know.
- If they hate you, 200 million
people come by accident.
They're looking for a restaurant.
Isaac Stern didn't want to go.
What happened?. Academy Award.
- Claude, the programs
are being printed next week.
- What?.
Somebody said you're substituting
another piece for the Mozart.
- I haven't made a decision yet.
- Go with Rossini or Verdi.
- Giuseppe, cut the hair.
- The printer's ready to kill me.
- I know.
- Help him out, will you?. Look at him.
We have to have something to put on there.
All we have is the name of the concert hall.
Then the programs are blank. We'll give
the audience a pen. They can fill in their own.
- How about that charity luncheon next week?.
- No! No, no.
- I've already said no.
- This is wrong here. Here. just a minute.
Change the hotel in Chicago.
The room service closes after 9:.00.
Nice place in Mexico City.
Giuseppe, do me a favor, will you?
When you're through, call my office.
I want to get a little clip, okay?.
I work for Claude.
There's a barber downstairs.
Even the president's barber
cuts other people's hair.
- Girls, girls.
- All right, Claude, you can try now.
- Looks good, Claude.
- Yeah?.
- Come va? Bene?
- # [ Humming ]
- Great. Thanks, Giuseppe.
- Si, si.
- Claude--
- No, Bill. Really. Okay?.
# [ Orchestra: Classical]
I've got something here
for Norman Robbins.
- His secretary said he'd be here.
- Okay. Leave it.
- Uh-uh. My hands to his.
- Sign the register.
- # [ Continues ]
- Is that Leonard Bernstein's signature?.
Uh-uh. Larry Bernstein.
Piccolo player.
What are you talking about?.
What news?.
Well, I think there's something here...
that Mr. Eastman
should take a look at.
Really? There is?. What?.
Oh, give me a hint!
I'm not at liberty to divulge
information to non-principals.
- I understand. What is it?.
- Let's just say it's pretty heavy.
- You've gotta be kidding!
- In my business,
that's the last thing we kid about.
Uh, the envelope is sealed.
I'm sure it is. I wasn't even looking
at the envelope. I was looking at the light.
[ Hissing ]
Okay. Thank you. Very good.
Give your rsums to the janitor.
He'll know what to do with them.
[ Laughing ]
Excuse me, Virginia.
Can I borrow Max a moment?.
- Max, can I-- Do you mind?.
- I'll call you later.
[ Chuckles, Mumbles ] Max, I think you must
walk around in a constant state of heat.
- It's a good thing you don't play the cello.
- The woman is an animal.
Yeah. She's also married
to one of our patron saints.
I mean, don't get
your fingerprints on her.
- You're so virtuous in your old age.
- I'm not!
- Did you ever notice the legs on her?.
And what about the mouth?.
- No.
- Claude, the mouth.
- No, never.
- Mm. The breasts.
- Those are... terrific!
- [ Max Laughing ]
- Claude. It's cold weather coat.
Okay. Thank you, Mama.
- See you later, Norman.
- Wait a second.
- Can I walk with you for a second?.
- Yeah, sure.
- Gotta buy a gift for Daniella.
- I thought you were having lunch with her.
- She canceled.
She's doing some looping for a film.
- All right. Well, let's go.
- Okay.
- Uh, we'll talk later.
Nice to meet you.
- [Bell Dinging]
- [ Laughing ] That's nice.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- How about these?.
Well.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- [ Imitating Daniella ] Hi.
- [ Chuckles ]
- What do you think?.
- Oh. Is it for you?.
- Yes.
- You promised me!
- Don't lie to me.
- No, it's for my wife, actually.
- I'm a little too delicate for these.
- [ Laughing ]
Uh, how about a nice
Halloween gift?.
- These gold pumpkins are cute.
- Oh, yeah.
When did Halloween become
gift-oriented?. Isn't it just chocolate?.
No, that's nice, Norman. Come on.
You could get Carla one of these.
- They're very pretty.
- Carla has every single thing in this store.
She lives here. She gets mail here.
Her parents stay here at Thanksgiving.
- [ Laughing ]
- Really. Come on.
- What's the hurry?
- Please. I'm just nervous.
This is where she puts it all together.
You know what I'm saying.
I don't mind flying. I don't have to watch
the plane being built.
- Come on. Please.
- I'll take it.
[Siren Wailing]
Think that salesgirl was comin' on
to you a little bit.
Oh, yeah, you think so?.
[ Chuckles ]
- She was nice.
- Do you ever think about
screwing around anymore?.
Me?. No, not now.
Never.
Well, I mean, dont you ever fantasize
if a beautiful girl comes in to audition...
or a waitress with a great ass
brings you a cup of coffee?.
Well, I must admit, I always
enjoy a great... cup of coffee.
[ Chuckles ]
But no, I mean--
Daniella, that's it.
I'm a happily married man, Norman.
- You know?.
- Think Daniella ever thinks
about screwing around?.
Daniella?. No, never.
If she sees a good-looking
younger man, she might--
What do you mean, good-looking
younger man"?. I'm not in the grave! God.
All right, all right. Forget
"good-looking younger man."
- But hypothetically, what if
she was having an affair?.
- Not Daniella. No, no.
Forget Daniella. But say hypothetically
you're married to a beautiful young woman.
- And she's having an affair.
- Not Daniella.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not Daniella. Daniella's out.
This is a new woman.
Hypothetical. She's having an affair.
- Would you want to know?.
- Norman, are you trying to tell me something?.
Because the hair on the back
of my neck's starting to creep.
Listen, I'm sorry I ever used Daniella.
The woman's nuts about you.
She's crazy. I've never seen
a woman so much in love.
It's just a question. I was at a party,
they asked this question.
You're married to a beautiful woman, she's
having an affair-- would you want to know??'
Boy, this is-- [ Scoffs ]
This is really charming, Norman. I--
I'm-- Hypothetically, no, because,
if-if she was, then I'd want to know who...
and when and where, and-- oh.
- No, I wouldn't. Would you want to know?.
- No, no, no.
I think there are things in life
that are better left unknown.
- What's that?.
- What?.
- You just dropped this.
Did you mean to drop this?.
- I dropped nothing.
You just dropped this envelope in here.
Did you mean to drop it?.
I dropped-- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, this, yes.
What?. Oh, it's a report.
- I threw it away. It's nothing.
- What report?.
The mix-up with Giuseppe. The investigator.
This is his report. I threw it away.
- That's it?.
- Yeah. Yeah, no. No! No, no, no, no.
- Norman. Come on!
- You said you didn't want to know.
- That was hypothetically!
- You said you didn't want to know. Oh, come on.
- Come on.
- Come on. Don't. What are you doing?.
- What do you think I'm doing?.
- You're not gonna read that?.
No, I'm not gonna read it. If l was the sort
of person who'd read that report...
I'd be the sort of person who'd have my wife
followed by a detective in the first place.
You're an amazing man.
That's wonderful!
That's wonderful! Oh.
Come on. I'll give you a ride.
- No, I'm gonna walk. I need the exercise.
- Come on!
No, Daniella's spaghetti
is accumulating around my knees.
- [ Laughs ] Hey. That's an inspiration.
- It is!
- I've never seen anybody do that.
That's wonderful.
- [ Scoffs ]
- Bye. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Uh-- Yeah.
- Oh, Mr. Eastman!
- Oh! Hi, how are you?. Nice to see you.
[ Laughing ]
Dont you dare.
What if people would see us?
[ Giggles ]
[ Giggling Continues ]
- [ Ends ]
- [Electronic Beeping]
[ Softly] Carla, I feel so guilty about
the other night, I don't know what to do.
Well, you can't tell Claude
what happened. He'll go crazy.
- But it's not fair to Claude!
- Mrs. Robbins, do you mind?.
- I've got a film to finish. Thank you.
- Okay.
- I'm-- I'm leaving.
- Have a nice day, now. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
I haven't done any shopping in three hours,
and I wouldn't want to hurt the economy.
What is that?.
A laughing apple?.
[ Chuckles ]
No. It's a little solid-gold pumpkin...
that Norman doesn't know
he bought for me-- it's for Halloween.
- Mrs. Robbins, please!
- I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.
- And listen, don't forget.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, go.
-just go.
- Could we get one down?. It's only four lines.
Uh, yes. Shh. I'm here.
All laughing, happy!
Claude? Darling, are you home?
[ Banging All Keys, Then Playing ]
- Hi!
- Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Oh, you weren't interrupting. I was--
I was just, uh, working on the score.
- You want to hear some of it?.
- Oh, yes. Sure.
- Oh.
- Are you okay?
Mm. I feel wonderful.
Okay. Well, I'll, um--
I'll play it from where you come in through the
door, where the theme begins. There you are.
#[Piano]
- [ Whispers ] My God.
- Then you run to him. High strings.
#[Higher]
Now the rest of the strings.
Horn.
# [ Imitating Horn ]
- #[Continues ]
- That'll be your close-up.
And so on.
- Wonderful!
- No, you're wonderful.
- That's why.
- Wonderful! Mm.
How did the looping go?.
All right?.
Mm, fine. No problem.
Except I'm all laughed out.
Oh. Well, for somebody
who's all laughed out...
I think a little present
should be forthcoming.
Ohh!
- A-- A pumpkin pin?.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's beautiful. It's so delicate. I--
- Um, uh--
- [ Chuckles ] What?.
- I will wear it for, um--
- Halloween.
- Halloween."
- Yeah, I can take it back if you don't want it.
- No, no, no, no, no! I love it.
- You like it?.
- I love it.
- [ Clears Throat ]
- [ Speaking Italian ]
- [ Italian ]
Hey, Giuseppe,
stop reading my trash.
- I don't read. I look.
- Well, don't look.
You tell me always, look, in case
you throw out some piece music.
Well, look, but don't look.
[ Laughs, Speaks Italian ]
Ah! [ Italian ]
Now I go, but I don't go.
I walk, but I don't walk.
- I cook, but I don't cook.
- [ Chuckles ]
- Hey, where are you going?
- Wait a minute.
Where are you going?.
I'm going to have a little nap
before dinner. Will you come with me?.
No, I've got some work to do.
You go ahead. Okay?. Sleep well.
- Mm. All right.
- Okay.
The sleep of the innocent, huh?.
[ Chuckles ]
- Why do you say that?.
- Say what?.
- The sleep of the innocent."
- Uh, my mama used to say that
when I was a child.
Oh.
# [ Humming
La Donna Mobile" ]
- Where's the trash?. [ Clears Throat ]
- In the squeeze machine.
In the compactor?.
[ Italian ]
- [ Compactor Turns Off]
- [ Italian ]
#[Radio: La Donna Mobile'"
Continues ]
- What you got in here?.
- [ Italian ]
There.
Uh, you look for any special garbage?.
- Eggshells?.
- No.
- Coffee grounds?.
- No.
- Banana peels?.
- No.
[ Puffs ]
- [Phone Line Ringing]
- Yeah.
- Oh! Hi, Norman. Working late?.
- Yeah, I had a million things to do.
- How'd you know I was here?.
- Oh, I just took a chance.
# [Tenor,
"La Donna Mobile"]
The report, Norman. The report.
I can't read the name of the detective.
You went back to get the report?. Claude,
look. You told me you weren't interested.
I-- I'm not. [ Scoffs ]
- [ Chuckling ] I'm not!
- [Dishes Clattering]
But, uh-- You know, a lot of people make
an absolute killing in celebrity garbage.
[ Clears Throat ]
Well, Mr. Keller...
the only assistance I need
is for you to give me...
any other copies of the report,
so that I can destroy them...
as I did the one
you gave Mr. Robbins.
- You destroyed the report?.
- Yes. Oh, yes.
Y-You did read it?.
I don't know what sort of people
you're used to dealing with here...
but I-I do not have...
a suspicious bone in my body.
You don't know about the man
leaving your apartment at 1 :30?.
A man left my apartment at 1 :30?.
What's so unusual about that?.
1:30 in the morning?.
Maybe it was a repairman.
I mean, uh--
God! Uh, things break
at night, don't they?.
- Mr. Eastman, let me be honest with you.
- No. [ Sighs ]
In my business, the only thing that
gets broken in the middle of the night...
are the hearts of older men like us.
It's downright tragic.
We fall for these beautiful, young things...
and we try to believe
they're in love with us...
when every morning, our shaving mirror
yells, They can't be."
If l could just have the other reports,
it'd be fine.
Oh. Oh.
[ Clearing Throat ]
Very wise.
I only wish I'd been so wise.
- [Opening Drawer]
- You know, Mr. Eastman,
if l had it to do over again...
I wouldn't try to find out anything.
I'd just be grateful for whatever
she was willing to give me.
A year. A week.
An hour--
Oh! Here we are.
Actually, there was not much need
at all to hire me in the first place...
what with that fancy surveillance system
you have in your building.
Anybody steps into the hallway,
it automatically turns on the videotape.
Wait a minute. Are you saying there's
a tape of a man leaving my apartment?.
Sure! I got it all here.
The coming in, and the going out.
Dont you worry, Mr. Eastman.
I'll erase the tape,
and you destroy the report...
and as far as the two of us
are concerned, it never happened.
Well, that's really very reassuring.
Thank you very much.
I certainly hope that youre continuing
that Haydn series next season.
Yes, we are. Yes.
It was very successful.
- That makes me very happy.
- Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Um, was there--
Is there an outstanding account at all?.
No, no, no!
Mr. Robbins took care of everything.
- That includes the-- the tape.
- Oh, including the tape.
Yes. Good. Well,
we're all settled then. Fine.
Thanks very much.
Good-bye.
Whenever youre ready, Mr. Eastman.
[Secretaries Chattering]
- You knew.
- Uh-huh.
[ Sighs ]
I knew it. That's nothing!
That's Giuseppe.
That's the man who works for me.
No, no, no. That was at 8:30.
Look at the printout.
Any movement in the hallway
starts the tape machine automatically.
- There he is.
- [Sighs, Groans ]
I can't see who it is.
Is that all you have?
Hold on a minute there.
Now, just wait a minute.
It's not my equipment that screwed up.
Your building's tape machine--
- God!
- Right there!
- What, there?. Wh-What?.
- Let me punch in.
[ Clicking]
What?.
Well, at least you know it's a guy
who wears argyle socks.
Who wears argyle socks?.
You seemed very preoccupied.
What?.
[ Chuckles ] I said you seemed very--
Oh, my God.
- What?.
- Don't look. There's a woman--
Don't look! Don't--
Wait. There's a woman
at the bar in blue.
I've never seen a body like that.
Look very carefully. Now. Quickly. Quickly.
Oh, geez. Oh, my goodness.
- Look at the body--
- [ Chuckles ]
- I had no idea you had such a roving eye.
- I don't have a roving eye.
If a woman like that walks into your
field of vision, you look at her-- come on.
I 'm not a saint, Claude.
- [ Mumbles ]
- What are you doing?.
- I dropped my fork.
- No, you didn't. You held it
over and threw it down there.
- Where are you going?. Where are you going?
- I'm just getting the fork.
- [Norman ] Don't. Don't!
- Where's Mr. Eastman?.
Uh, he's under the table for a moment.
Claude, the waiter's here.
Shall I serve it down here,
or are you coming up?.
Thank you, number six.
Number seven, please.
#[French Horn ]
- Guess who.
- Oh! [ Sighs ]
- Hello, Daniella.
- How did you know it was me?.
Oregano.
You've been cooking again.
[ Sniffing ]
I know I was supposed to wait for you, but
do you mind if l go home and take a nap?.
Oh! [ Chuckles ]
- Another sleep of the innocent?.
- [ Chuckles ]
Go ahead. We're running late with auditions.
I'll phone you in an hour.
N-No! Don't phone.
I mean, don't phone. I'm tired.
- I'm taking the phone off the hook.
- Right.
You've been taking
a lot of naps recently.
Mm. In Italy, we do it
all the time after lunch.
I'm sure you do.
[ Laughs ] I'm sure you do.
- I love my pumpkin, Claude.
- [ Sighs ]
- Thank you.
- #[French Horn Continues ]
God--
[ Sighs ]
Thank you, number seven.
Number eight, please.
- Happy, darlin'?.
- Oh! Hi. Desperately, of course.
Hi, janet. Bill.
- Hey, listen. Don't be late tonight.
- Tonight?. Why?.
I get to meet Daniella tonight. You're
comin' to my old man's restaurant, right?.
Oh, no. I forgot. I made a date
with Norman and Carla tonight.
- I-I better cancel.
- Bring 'em.
- That's four of us.
- No, no. It's all right. Bring 'em.
- You're still paying?.
- Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay. Great.
- What are you doing this afternoon?.
- I got a matinee.
- You're performing this afternoon?.
- I got a matinee.
- # [ Continues ]
- Oh! A matinee.
Mm-hmm.
I'll see you later.
I gotta get to the hotel.
Claude?.
What do you think?.
I think he should be castrated.
- Claude. I don't think he's that bad.
- Oh?.
[ Grunting, Mumbling ]
Claude. Are you okay?.
- What?.
- Are you all right?.
- Yeah!
- Good.
- Chilly out, huh?.
- Brutal.
- It's a... closet.
- [ Knocking ]
Yes. Big one. [ Panting ]
What--
What brings you over?.
- What?.
- What brings you over here?.
[ Claude ]
Ah-- I've wanted to--
I've wanted to talk to you about that--
You know, bar 34 in the first movement.
- The tempo.
- You want to broaden it.
I think we should push straight through.
I'm-- I-- Let's do it. I'm takin' a shower.
I got the water running in there.
- No, I don't hear the water.
- It's a relatively quiet shower.
- Yeah?.
- Be right back!
[Max And Woman Whispering]
[Door Banging]
[Banging]
- Slut!
- [ Gasps ]
I thought you were my wife.
Sorry.
She said she was going home
and take a nap, so--
[ Elevator Dinging]
That's real strange.
I wonder if he heard us.
He knows. I know he knows.
[Dinging]
1 009 Park Avenue. Quick.
[Horns Honking]
# [ Humming ]
# [Daniella Singing
La Donna Mobile'"]
# [ Continues ]
# [ Continues ]
- Daniella?.
- Oh. Sweetheart?.
[Laughing]
Yeah. How was your "nap"?
[ Echoing ]
Oh, wonderful. I can't tell you.
A few hours on my back
and I'm a new woman.
God... damn it!
What was that?. Claude?.
- Nothing. Ow. Shit.
- What?
Nothing. Nothing! Listen.
I think there's something we should talk
about right now. [ Gasping ]
- What's wrong?. You sound so angry.
- Well, I am angry.
I am angry.
I'm angrier than I've-- Oh.
- Than I've ever been before.
- Ooh.
- It's not because I broke our lunch date, is it?.
- No, it's not.
- It's becau--
- Why?. [ Grunts ]
- Hmm?.
- It's beca--
It's-- Aah!
[ Groaning ]
- You put your tongue in my ear.
- [ Chuckles ] So?.
Ah, so, who taught you that?.
You've never done that before.
Of course I've done that before.
Are you trying to tell me that I wouldn't
know when a tongue is in my ea--
- No. No.
- Come on. Ohh!
I don't feel like it.
[ Grunts ]
- It feels to me like you feel like it.
- I don't.
I'm very-- I'm very...
angry with you, and--
and I want to ask you something.
- What?.
- [ Pants, Groans ]
- Ask me anything.
- I-- Oh, my God.
- What do you want to ask me?.
- Oh, God.
[ Both Sighing, Groaning ]
Oh, Norman!
- Norman?.
- Yeah.
Norman?.
Dont you mean Max, Daniella?.
No, it wasn't Max. Don't you remember, we have
to have dinner with Norman and Carla tonight?.
- [ Gasps ] Oh, we're late. Quickly!
- What?.
Oh. I have to dry
my hair and dress.
# [ "Chattanooga Choo Choo"
In Hungarian ]
- Claude, you married the Madonna!
- Daniella, this is Max.
- I've heard so much about you,
I feel I already know you.
- [ Chuckling ] Max!
Well, I feel the same. I've heard you
on the record, of course, many times.
But I'm told you're
better in the flesh, you know?.
Oh, well. You know, Claude thinks
I'm too much of a showman, you know.
He says I don't concentrate
on my technique.
Listen, tonight,
in your honor, if l play...
I am giving all my attention
to my fingering.
# [ Hungarian, You Make
Me Feel So Young" ]
- Hi. Hi.
- Mm!
- Hi, Carla.
- How's the show, Norman?.
The show is very, very good. This is like
being trapped in an airport in Budapest.
I've got to make a quick call
before we eat. Max!
- The phone is where?.
- Right outside the men's room, Norman.
Good design.
just like American restaurants.
You know, my father's been beggin' for you
to come back and say hello.
He's right here in the kitchen.
You want to come?.
We'll be, uh--
be right back, okay?.
Right back.
What was that?
Claude came to Max's hotel room
today while I was there.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- Did he see you?.
- No, but I think he heard me.
That is why he's been
acting so strange!
I bet you he found out that you and Max
used our apartment when he was out of town.
If l would have known what you two were
going to do, I never would have let you in.
Well, we didn't know what
we were gonna do either.
Anyway, don't worry about it.
Max is handling it right now.
He's gonna tell him everything, and
I'm sure Claude will understand perfectly.
You know what's goin' on, dont you?.
- What do you think?.
- Claude, I owe you an explanation.
- Oh, is that all you owe me?.
- Come on, will ya?.
You were no stranger to married women
before you and Daniella got together.
- Don't put me into the category--
- Yeah, but they werent married to friends!
I know. Due to extenuating circumstances.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
The only thing extenuating is your pecker,
which arises automatically...
in the presence of
the nearest female flesh!
- I don't blame you for being upset.
- Oh, thank you.
- I'm glad you're so understanding.
- I didn't start it.
Are you trying to tell me
she started it?.
It isn't important who started it.
It just happened.
- Excuse me.
- I'm not apologizing for it.
Well, what are you
apologizing for?.
- I was apologizing for using your apartment.
- Oh, let me get this straight.
You're not apologizing for the affair,
just for using our... apartment!
- Keep your voice down, will you?.
- Oh, I'll be calm.
You want us to come to the hotel
in the middle of the night?.
- End up in The Enquirer, right?.
- Yeah. Anywhere.
Right, Claude?. Right.
Would you calm down?.
- All right, what are you--
- Look, this is nothing serious!
- Nothing serious?.
- No, I'm gonna see her a few
more times, and that'll be it.
- Take your hands off!.Jesus!
- Hey. [ Chuckling ]
If it hadn't been me,
it would have been somebody else.
[ Chuckling ]
Papa Stein's pride and joy,
Max Stein!
- [Cheering, Applauding]
- Max.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Claude Eastman!
Do you think we could get him to join me
in a serenade to his lovely new bride, Daniella?.
That's not what he just told me
in the kitchen! Give me a fiddle.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the greatest conductor in the world,
and the worst fiddler in the club...
Mr. Claude Eastman.
- [ Shouts In Hungarian ]
- # [ Orchestra ]
# [ Gypsy]
[ Gasping ]
This is insane, Claude.
Huh?. I know youre angry with me.
- Cant we talk about it?.
- There's nothing left to talk about.
In Italy, when this kind of thing happens,
we show our emotions.
In New York, we sulk.
No! No, no, no, no, no,
Claude.
I won't let you ignore me like this.
Hit me, huh?. Come on.
Hit me. Hit me.
Beat me. Do anything,
but let's get it over with.
No! No, no. No, listen.
- I know it was a stupid thing to do.
- Hmm.
But when I let Max in, I didn't think
things would go so far.
- What did you think?.
- I don't know!
I thought he came to play...
gin rummy.
You don't even know how
to play gin rummy.
That's why I went to bed.
[ Sighs ]
You went to bed because you don't
know how to play gin rummy?.
- No! No. I went to bed because
it was 1 :00 in the morning.
- Oh.
I was tired. I fell asleep.
You did it while you were asleep?.
[ Grunts ]
That's what I'm trying
to tell you, Claude.
- I had no control over what happened.
- Aah!
Believe me, he was "een and out" so fast
I didn't know what was going on.
"Een and out"?.
"Een and out"?.
Well, that's what happened!
I'm sorry.
I mean, uh--
I shouldn't have been so generous!
Generosity?. Godda--
Is that what you call it in Italy?.
Yes, that's what we call it.
What do you call it in-- in New York?.
[ Sputtering ]
In New York, we ca--
We call it shameful.
We call it disgusting,
immoral and unforgivable!
Ed, have you seen my wife?.
Did she come out?.
She just went around the corner.
You should have seen him. He's like
a different man. I don't know.
[ Carla ] He's like every other man.
Give him time to cool off.
Go to a movie for a couple of hours,
come home, make love to him.
He'll be fine.
Look, I've gotta go now. Give me
a little laugh before I hang up.
- A laugh?.
-just a little laugh.
[ Forced Chuckle ]
That's funny.
- Come on, Daniella. You can do it.
- I can't laugh!
- Yes, you can.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha.
- Come on.
-[Laughing Hysterically]
[ Laughing Continues ]
[Horns Honking]
[Horn Honks ]
[Movie Soundtrack:
Woman Speaking Italian ]
[ Man Speaking Italian ]
- [ Grunts ]
- Hey!
Sorry.
Uh, excuse me.
[ Italian Continues ]
- [ Woman Gasps ]
- Oh! Sorry.
Excuse me. Ooh!
Oh.
[ Groans ]
[Movie: Bell Tolls ]
[ Bell Tolls ]
- You whore!
- [ Screaming ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
[People Chattering]
- Anything else to sign?.
- Nope.
He's all yours.
- What are you doing?.
- What?.
You walk out of an audition.
You missed a photo session.
You missed a meeting
with Columbia Records.
- You don't even wanna know
why I was arrested?.
- Talk to a doctor.
- Don't! Daniella is cheating on me.
- [ Gagging ]
I wouldn't even know about it
if you hadn't hired a private eye!
[ Screams ]
You bit me, you--
Stop it! Stop it! Police! Police!
[ Groaning ]
Police!
[ Screaming ]
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay.
- So you found Keller.
- Uh-huh.
What are you gonna do?.
I've done some time,
and I've given it a lot of thought.
- I know what has to be done.
- Two hours isn't time."
You spend two hours in that tank!
- I am going to do nothing.
- Nothing?.
Yeah.
Dont you understand?.
That cheating, conniving woman has given
me more happiness than I've ever known.
Who is it?. just initials.
Give me one--
- Norman! It's not important.
- Give me one initial.
For me, it does not exist.
That's an admirable quality.
I don't think I have that quality.
You don't.
[ Sighs ] I'm a middle-aged man
married to a child.
I should be grateful for
anytime she's willing to give me.
A year, a week, an hour.
If youd be good enough
to give me a lift uptown...
I'd like to spend some time
alone with my wife.
That's a good idea. Patch things up.
Clear your mind of those filthy images.
- Norman!
- No, no. I know. You know.
[ Growling ]
Oink! Oink!
- Oink! Oink!
- [ Screams ]
- Oh. Oh.
- How do you like him, huh?.
Ahh! Ahh!
Isn't it wonderful?.
I got a few masks for us for Halloween.
You-- Great.
So... are we still mad
at each other?.
Us mad at each other?.
Aw, come on.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I'm sorry I woke you up.
No. No. I was-- I was resting.
just working on the score.
Oh, I-- I thought it was finished.
I just made a few changes
in the love scene.
Where've you been?.
I was mad, so I went
to the cinema to cool off.
Would you believe, a maniac attacked
two people in the theater?.
Oh, this town is full of weird people.
[ Claude ] Giuseppe, I have a friend,
a very close friend, who has this problem.
- Norman.
- No, one of the men in the orchestra.
- You don't know him.
- I see.
- My friend is married to
a beautiful young woman.
- Eh?. Fortunato.
- And he's very much in love,
- Hmm.
- passionately in love.
- Hmm.
But one day recently, uh,
he found out that she was...
uh--
cheating.
- Indescrezione.
- [ Speaking Italian ]
- I agree.
- [ Italian Continues ]
- Absolutely.
- [ Shouting In Italian ] Mmm!
I agree.
Now, if-- If you were he,
what would you do about it?.
Well, if, uh, if he love her...
then he got to treat her
with kindness.
- Hmm.
- Sincerit.
- Understanding?.
- Ah, si, si.
Come here, my darling.
Vieni qui. Vieni qui, carina.
"Oh, bella, bella. Perfetto.
[ Kissing ]
Carina. Bellis--
Oh, accomadati.
Lie down. Lie down. Ohh.
Bella bambini. '"
[ Kisses ]
[ Speaking Italian Angrily]
[ Yelling In Italian ]
- Capito?
- Oh, capito.
And any man
who would do less...
is less than a man.
I'll tell him. Hmm.
[Celia]
What about this one?
This one?
[Yelling] This one?
Yeah, you can erase it.
What about this one?.
This one! What about this tape?.
- Robbins.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
# [ Humming ]
That's that Claude Eastman job.
You can erase that.
Wait a minute. You gotta listen
to this. Let me hit the speakers.
# [ Orchestra: Dramatic ]
Hold it! Freeze frame!
# [ Continues ]
Major screw-up.
- [Phone Ringing]
- I'll get it. You get the elevator.
- Yeah.
- Uh, Mr. Eastman?. jess Keller.
Boy, am I glad I caught you.
- You know the guy on the tape?.
- Yeah, I know. Max Stein.
- The violinist?.
- Yes.
Max Stein,
the fornicating fiddle player.
Listen, if youre as much a fan
of his as I think you are...
you'd better catch
his performance tonight.
It's going to be his last.
- [Crowd Applauding]
- [ Claude Narrating]
And so I look at that face...
and wonder, "Can I destroy something
so perfect, so beautiful?'"
- [ Man In Crowd] Bravo!
- But as Giuseppe said...
Any man who does less
is less than a man. '"
Bravo!
[ Cheering ]
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
jess Keller to see Mr. Eastman.
It's very important.
- After the concert.
- Please, it's urgent! He knows me!
- After the concert.
- That may be too late!
- I'm sorry, sir. After the concert.
- I know. After the concert.
# [ Orchestra Tuning Up ]
[Applause ]
# [ Tuning ]
# [ Strings Begin ]
# [ Volume Increasing]
# [ Tempo Slows ]
# [ Orchestra, Violin Continue ]
# [ Echoing]
Well, you were splendid tonight, Max.
Absolutely wonderful.
That's exceedingly generous of you.
I couldn't have done it without you.
- I know.
- [ Chuckles ]
Max, I've been thinking
about the other night.
I realize I've been behaving
rather foolishly.
Byway of apology, I'd like to invite you to
join Daniella and me at the Tea Room tonight.
Terrific. I'd love it.
#[Violin, Orchestra Continue ]
Testing.
[ Claude's Voice ]
Testing.
Claude, old boy,
I want to tell you a story...
that will kill you and Daniella.
- Claude, old boy--
- [knocking]
Come.
Daniella, my... dear, sweet wife.
Hi. I wanted to tell you
how moved I was by your concert.
You-- You were magnificent.
It was for you.
It was my apology.
What?.
Do you mean that, Claude?.
I've been acting like a bloody fool.
That's all over now.
I've invited Max to join us
at the Tea Room...
as a token of my good faith.
Hmm.
- I don't deserve you.
- Well--
By the way, those wonderful
Halloween masks you bought--
do you have them with you?.
Hmm. Of course.
They're in the car. Why?.
We've been invited
to a Halloween party afterwards.
[People Chattering, Laughing]
[Max ] The doctor says to the lady,
We got good news and bad news. '"
What's the bad news??' Your husband
has to undergo immediate surgery."
What's the good news??' He says,
I think we can save the violin."
[ Raucous Laugh ]
[Both Laughing]
- Ahh.
- Your wifes a great audience.
- No kidding. What a sense of humor.
- It's the Italian in her.
They love to laugh.
I mean, you only have to do this,
and laughs just--
[ Screaming ]
Pour some more champagne.
Loosen the trollop's tongue.
Everything else is very, very loose.
Why shouldnt that be loose too?
Oh, my God!
No, Max! Please stop!
Don't do that!
I cannot take it anymore.
Max, why don't you regale us with that tale
about those Armenian twins?.
- Tell us.
- Zelda and Mimi?.
Zelda and Mimi.
- This'll kill you.
- [Daniella Screams ]
[Daniella ]
You're crazy.
[ Guffawing ]
[ Slurred ]
Good evening.
[ Both Laughing ]
- Max, right in here.
- Oh!
[ Hysterical Laughing ]
Max. For you.
- Oh.
- Mr. Pig. Le cochon.
- Look at that pig!
- The swine.
Darling, for you--
La donna misteriosa.
Oh, la donna misteriosa.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Oh! I didn't understand a word of that.
And, of course, for me,
most appropriately...
the filthy old man.
Let me see it.
[ Screams ]
- That looks like you.
- Oh, it is me. It is me, yes.
My darling, let's stop off
at the apartment.
I want you to wear
that black dress of yours.
[Muffled Laughter]
Good evening.
[ Laughing ]
- Eddie. Happy Halloween.
- Mr. Eastman.
- Eddie, happy Halloween.
- Yes.
Under this monstrosity lurks
Mr. Max Stein.
Ta-da!
He has been known to look better.
But he can look much worse.
[ Giggling ]
# [ Humming ]
- Darling! [ Whistles ]
- Yes.
- Is this the one?.
- Perfect.
Hmm!
Don't be too long
changing, darling.
We dont want to be
late for the party, do we?.
Ah, Max. More champagne?.
- All right.
- Good. Let's go to the kitchen.
Ahh. Max.
- What?. Hey.
- Mm-hmm.
- To a memorable evening, buddy.
- I'll drink to that.
Mmm. Very good.
Max, old boy, I hope youll excuse me.
I have a few things to tend to.
Well, you go right ahead...
but I'm gonna stay right here.
- You know, I should have
had a bite at the Tea Room.
- Yes?.
But it's all right 'cause
I'll stay here, I'll raid the icebox.
[ Daniella Screaming ]
Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop!
Stop!
[ Screaming ]
[ Triumphant Laugh ]
- Daniella, where are you?.
- I'm still dressing.
Well, hurry up, darling.
I'll be waiting for you in the lobby.
[ Max On Tape] Don't go back
on your word! I won't let you!
I'm gonna kill you and Claude!
- I'm gonna kill you!
- Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop! Stop!
[ Max On Tape ] Don't try and get away.
No way, Daniella. No way!
[ Daniella On Tape ]
Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop!
- [ Max On Tape ] I'm gonna kill you!
- Police?.
- [ Daniella Screaming On Tape ]
- [Eddie ] This is an emergency.
[Max On Tape ]
I'm gonna kill you and Claude!
[Diabolical Laughing]
- Yeah, someone's getting killed!
- [ Screams ]
Hurry!
1 009 Park!
No! No, I--
No, Max! Max!
Give me--
No, don't!
No, spare me!
[ Grunts ] Max, don't kill me!
Oh, Max! Max, listen!
- You've gone mad, Max!
-Jesus!
[ Grunting ]
Max!
How could you?.
- Daniella?.
- What have you done?.
- Daniella?. Daniella?.
- What have you done?.
Daniella! No!
- [ Claude ] Yes.
- No!
- Yes.
- Daniella!
- I thought you were our friend, Max.
- Daniella!
Having been found guilty
by a jury of your peers...
it is the sentence of this court
that you be taken from this chamber...
and thence to a place of execution.
Execution?. I didn't do it.
Where you shall be hanged
by the neck until dead.
I'm innocent! I'm innocent!
- [ Gavel Rapping]
- Claude!
Claude, I beg of you!
Please stop this!
Tell them I didn't do it!
Tell them I'm innocent!
[ Evil Cackling Continues ]
#[Orchestra: Dramatic]
Ah!
[Cackling]
[ Cackling Continues ]
[ Cackling ]
[ Cackling ]
# [Fast Tempo ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [Audience Applauding, Cheering]
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
[ Woman ]
Bravo!
Ah, Max. Max, you were
extraordinary tonight.
- I mean, really wonderful.
- I know.
I thought I gave a certain amount
of help in the last movement.
- No more than any other conductor, Claude.
- I know. Please. Max.
Listen, uh...
I-I-- Listen, I'm--
I know I behaved
a little strangely the other night.
I've been thinking about it, you know?.
Byway of an apology, I'd like you to join
Daniella and me at the Tea Room tonight.
- Oh, you would?.
- Yeah. Fifteen minutes, okay?.
- We'll make it some other night.
- Some other night?. No!
It has to be tonight! Hi, Sidney.
Thank you. It was beautifully played.
It has to be tonight!
It has to be tonight.
What's the big deal about tonight?.
I-I-I--
I made reservations.
- Well, you cancel them.
- I've never canceled a reservation
in my entire life!
- I, uh-- Listen!
- Great.
Thankyou, jack. I have never
canceled reservations in my life.
Claude Eastman does
not cancel reservations.
- This would be the first time.
My reputation would be shot!
- Would you relax?.
- [ Voice Breaking ] I'm relaxed.
-just relax.
- I'll be there in 20 minutes.
I'm not staying long.
- Thank you!
What do you mean,
you're not staying long?.
You cant just have a few drinks and pop off.
Daniella will be humiliated.
I will be mortified.
You-- Please.
- Okay.
- Okay?.
-just let me slip out of my clothes, okay?.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you wear tails because A":
you look great in tails...
and B": we might be going somewhere
where we have to wear tails, okay?.
Yeah. Tails.
Tails?. Tails.
[ Stammers ]
Because, honestly, I-I-I--
Lots of places in this city will not
let you in without tails.
That's true. Believe me.
It's becoming obsessive, eh?
Tails, tails.
[ Grunts ]
Ow.
[ Frustrated Grunts ]
[ Gasps ]
Ow.
[ Strained Exhaling, Grunting ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Sighs, Panting ]
[ Sighs ]
God.
[ Loud Crashing ]
[ Exhales ]
Ah.
Testing--
Testing.
- Claude, old boy, I want to tell you a story--
- [knocking]
[ Gasps ]
just a minute!
just a minute. Come in!
Wh-What are you doing
in the office?.
- What?.
- What are you doing in the office?
- Business. just picking up on business.
- Oh.
Are we-- Are we talking
to each other now?.
- Of course. Of course. Didn't Max tell you?.
- No. What?
Well, it's all forgotten, and, uh,
the three of us are getting together...
at the Tea Room later.
Well, about 1 5 minutes.
Now, really.
Dont you think we
should be alone tonight?.
Alone?. Oh, no, no!
- We have to be with Max tonight.
- Why?.
Be-- Aw, come on.
Because, um, we've been invited
to a Halloween party later on.
- Who's giving it?.
- Friends. Don't ask questions.
Friends. Close friends.
Have you got those wonderful
Halloween masks that you bought?.
- No. No.
- What?.
I didn't think youd be in this mood
to celebrate Halloween.
Oh, come on. Don't be silly.
It's my favorite holiday. You think
I'm gonna miss all that candy?.
Hey, kids! Hey, kids.
Uh, I'll give you--
I've give you $50 for the masks.
- These masks?.
- Are you kidding?.
- No!
- Of course not.
- Let's see the money.
- Fifty dollars for the three masks.
- I'm not kidding. Here. Hey, hey.
- Oh, my God!
- Terrific. Thank you. Have a nice Halloween.
- You too!
- Okay. Come on.
- I can't believe you gave
$50 for those cheap masks.
It's the thought that counts.
One life, and it's all over. Enjoy it while--
[Man On Radio ] The ambassador is sure
that the president would talk to the FB.I....
but added that the president
knows nothing about the incident.
West German Chancellor Helmut kohl
today ended his Moscow visit--
- How long will it be before
Mr. Eastman comes down?.
- Pardon?.
- Mr. Eastman. When will
he be coming through?.
- He goes out the other exit.
Too many people usually waiting around,
waiting for autographs.
He likes to avoid that.
Are you kidding?.
A toast.
Two beautiful, young people.
May you never grow old.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Claude's Voice ] Testing.
- [ Claude On Tape ] Claude, old boy--
- [ Choking ]
[ With Taped Voice ]
I wanted to tell you a story!
- Were you just talking to me?.
- I just had a frog in my throat.
Oh.
I wanted you to tell us the story
about the two Armenian girls...
the twins.
- [ Coughing]
- The Armenian twins?.
Zelda and Mimi.
To the best of my knowledge, I've never
met Armenian twins in my life.
Max! The, um--
The Armenian twins!
Oh, no. You-- You told me about
these two girls that you met...
and they-- they-- Armenian girls!
Armenian girls.
That night I spent with the two Argentinean
girls in the boarding school in Buenos Aires.
Right! Right. Tell Daniella.
- Tell her!
- [ Chuckling ]
This'll kill ya!
[Both Laughing]
What are we doing here?.
Oh, uh, I want you to put on
that black dress you have.
It'll look great
with the white mask.
- What's wrong with this one?.
- Do it!
All right!
I can't find the black dress.
- Put on anything!
- I thought you wanted the black one.
Black, green, scarlet, pink!
It doesn't matter!
Where are the sleeping pills?.
We never had any. Why would
you want sleeping pills now?
Uh, n-never mind.
What happens if you take
a lot of tranquilizers?.
You go to sleep, I guess.
- [Shouts] Are you under tension?
- No! No!
More champagne, Max?.
Max?.
Oh, there. Good.
- You don't mind, do you?. I'm still hungry here.
- No, no. Go ahead.
Eat anything you like. I'll just open
another bottle of champagne.
No. Thanks, Claude.
I've had enough now. Okay?.
What-- Come on. Have some champagne.
I can open another bottle.
- I'm not thirsty.
- You're kidding!
- I'm not thirsty.
- Don't be--
You're not thirsty?. My mouth is as dry
as the bottom of a parrot's cage.
Drink with me.
Have a glass. just one glass.
- These are good.
- Orange juice, okay?.
- Freshly squeezed.
- No.
- Okay. Plenty of juices. Apricot. Cranberry.
- I don't like it.
It's heavy on calories. You don't want it.
Keep away from that.
Pineapple. No, it's too acidy,
with the peppers.
A glass of milk.
A nice glass of raw milk?.
- Mm-mmm.
- Uh, water?. We've got plenty of water.
Pellegrino, Vichy, Perrier, Evian?.
Olive oil?. Please!
- You've got a Coke?.
- What?.
just give me a Coke, all right?.
A Coke?.
- You know what a Coke--
- A Coke! Coca-Cola!
I'll join you in a Coke.
join you in a Coke. Uh--
You don't even have any Coke.
- I-- I've got Coke.
- Hey, Claude.
- I've got Coke!
- Hey, don't-don't-- don't go to any trouble.
- It's no trouble.
- It's not a big deal.
- I want a Coke!
- Forget it.
Forget it?. Are you kidding?.
I want a Coke! You got me going now.
- You hit the button.
There's a refrigerator upstairs.
- Forget it.
- No, we have a refrigerator
swarming with Coke upstairs.
- You're out of your mind.
What kind of a household
doesn't have any Coke?.
We're out of Coke!
I mean, this may go--
This may go down in Italy,
but in America, it's unpardonable.
I'm sorry. I took the last one.
- What?
- Mmm.
- Claude!
- Give me that.
We have a thirsty guest.
[Max]
So it was dreadful.
Well, he didn't bother to review
the Mozart, he won't bother with this.
[ Quiet Grunting ]
No. Because I went
through this last year with him.
- I don't-- I do not want to do it.
- [ Mock Coughing ]
- Are you all right?.
- Yes, just coughing.
Don't bring him here.
just-- Okay.
Promise me that, all right?.
[ Gasps ]
Shit.
Sunday, 4:00 at Juilliard.
Okay. You've got it.
I don't care.
I'll see you then. Bye.
[ Panting ]
- [ Clinks ]
- Cheers.
I'll just go and hurry Daniella up.
[ Groans ]
- [ Max On Tape ] Oh, what a night that was.
- Oh!
[ Max ] This'll kill you!
[ Daniella ]
Oh, my God! No, Max! Please stop!
- [ Screams ]
- Zelda and Mimi.
I'm not gonna tell that story
in front of your wife.
Oh, what a night that was.
This'll kill you!
[Voices Overlapping ]
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
Daniella, where are you?.
- I'll be down in a minute.
- Oh, okay. Well, hurry up.
We're in the kitchen.
Uh, I mean, we're-- we're in the lobby.
We'll meet you in the lobby.
[ Chuckles ]
[Loud Clattering]
[Thunder Rumbling]
[Thunder Continues ]
Ow!
[ Groans ]
Uh--
[ Man On Tape ]
Your usual table is ready, Mr. Eastman.
[ Man #2 ]
More coffee, Mr. Eastman?.
[ Max ] I never met
Armenian twins in my life.
Max! Oh.
- [ Man #1 ] More coffee, Mrs. Eastman?.
- [ Man #3 ] Pass the salt.
[ Man #4 ] Claude, it's so good
to see you. Check, please.
[ Grunting ]
Eddie, where's my husband?.
He hasn't come through here.
- He just called me from the lobby.
- I haven't seen him.
- What's going on up there?.
- Up where?.
There!
[ Claude ]
Oh, stop it.
- Stop it, Max.
- Has Mr. Eastman come in yet?.
- What?.
- Aw, shit!
- What?.
- Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?.
- Uh, Mrs. Eastman!
- [ Slurring Words ] Don't kill me, Max.
- Uh, Mrs. Eastman!
- [ Slurring Words ] Don't kill me, Max.
Help!
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.
- Saw him coming out of your apartment.
- [ Speaking Italian ]
- He believed that Max and I--
- Oh!
Claude,
you believed that?.
Hello, Daniella.
Oh. Ow.
And you--
[ Angry Sigh ]
Is everything all right,
Mrs. Eastman?
Ah, signora.
[Speaking Italian ]
- No!
- [ Italian Continues ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
Does this mean you don't go
to the Halloween party?.
This means we're not
going to go anywhere anymore!
[Speaking Italian ]
You're still living-- You're alive!
That means he only killed Max.
- Claude didn't kill anybody. What you say?.
- Max is living?.
- Max is alive!
- What are you doing here?.
Some crazy detective
called Norman.
- What's going on upstairs?.
What's happening in there?.
- What's going on upstairs?.
- Whatever it is is your fault.
- My fault?.
A little mistake?.
God!
- [Max] Hey, Claude?
- Hello?. Hello?.
Claude.
You're not gonna tell Norman
about this, are you?.
No, no. Some people
can't handle that sort of information.
[ Crashing ]
My wife, uh--
I don't know what the hell youre talking
about! Let me tell you something.
If they taught English on Ellis Island,
this never would have happened!
- You don't speak English!
- Norman, your father doesn't speak English!
- You leave my father out of this!
- [ Shouts In Italian ]
- You didn't kill anybody?.
- No.
Leave my father out of this.
Don't bring my family into this.
- It was a misunderstanding.
- Oh!
- Circumcisional--
- [Arguing Continues ]
Eh, circumstantial
evidence...
was conspiring against you.
I didn't do anything!
I know, but it-- it--
[ Arguing Continues ]
No, no, no, no, no!
No, I--
I-- I-- You have
every right to be angry...
but I did what I did because
the thought of you with another man...
was driving me nuts!
- That was your fault, not mine!
- Dan--
I curse you,
and I curse your shoes!
Well, if you believe in that stuff,
I curse your crotch!
I admit I behaved badly.
- Badly?.
- Yeah.
- You didn't believe in me.
- I--
[ All Yelling ]
- Shut up. Shut up.
- We were cursing each other!
You remember when you wanted me
to give you that trim?.
- I don't want a trim from you!
- Okay.
- Oh, my God Almighty!
- [ Yelling In Italian ]
[ Voice Breaking ]
A Kennedy gave me this tie. Oh, my God!
Taxi!
Daniel--
Okay.
Daniella, I don't blame you
for not wanting to talk to me.
Any man in your position
would do the same.
In my position.
Uh, our position.
- So, where-- where was I?.
- Behaving badly?.
Right. You were
behaving badly. Thank you.
Me?. Me?. No. You.
- Right. Not me, you.
- You!
You. Hmm. Yeah.
All--All right.
The truth is, Daniella, I don't think
I'm ever gonna change, you know?.
From being a jealous man.
So, uh, just maybe...
uh, you'd be better off
without me.
[ Scoffs ]
Aren't you gonna stop me?.
Listen...
I may be jealous...
but I'm... really very sick.
Oh.
[ Sighs ]
I guess we're... not going
to the Halloween party.
No, and they're not
very good friends anyway.
We can go if you want to.
I'm fine, really.
They're nice people.
Very nice people.
Have a cup of coffee.
I'll be very nice.
[ Muttering, Indistinct ]
# [Man, Singing]
# [ Continues ]
# [ Continues ]
# [Fades ]