Valhalla (1986) Movie Script

Listen...
The wind tells a story,
one that took place a long time ago -
- when Yggdrasil, the Tree of Life,
stood in the centre of the world.
In Asgard,
land of the gods of the Vikings.
Here lived the one-eyed Odin,
king of the gods -
- and the mighty Thor,
god of thunder.
From all over Asgard, the gods
would gather here, in Valhalla -
- the greatest castle of all.
Here they received the worship
of mortal men -
- which gives strength
and life to gods.
From Valhalla,
Odin surveyed the three worlds -
- and from here,
he sent out his ravens.
To gather news from faraway lands.
Beyond the land of Utgard -
- home of the race of trolls
whom men called giants -
- the lords of darkness and chaos...
Beyond Utgard was Midgard,
land of humankind.
Home of proud Vikings
and industrious farmers.
From time to time,
the gods went to Midgard -
- to visit their human worshippers.
Tjalfe, come inside!
There's a storm coming.
You'll get soaked, you silly boy!
Shoo!
Roskva! Come back, both of you,
or I'll send your father after you.
Greetings, good people.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Loki, the magnificent.
This gentleman is Thor, the god
of thunder, the roisterous...
That'll do.
We're staying here tonight.
- We haven't much food to offer...
- Don't worry.
- I'll kill one of my goats.
- We could make a...
But isn't that unfair
on the poor goat?
Don't worry. He's used to it.
Are you really the mighty Thor?
Yes.
Why are you sulking, Roskva?
He can't just kill the goat like that.
Of course he can.
He's a god. He protects us
from sorcery and giants.
He is a mighty warrior.
He is strong.
Take this, and that, you monster!
And now, the final blow!
So you give up, huh?
Victory is mine!
Tjalfe, the mighty cow slayer.
You wait and see.
Children, come in here.
The meat is tender.
Remember:
Eat as much as you like -
- but don't break the bones.
Throw them onto the skin afterwards.
Tomorrow, when I spin
my hammer above them -
- the skin and bones
will come to life again.
Here's a great story.
Once I was out fishing,
I caught a gigantic fish.
Unfortunately, it got away.
But it wasn't my fault.
Me and Hymer the giant
went out on the vast sea -
- that surrounds the world
to catch the Midgard Serpent.
For hook I used an anchor,
and as bait an ox head.
...just when I was about to land it.
Hymer, that big, fat coward.
The Midgard Serpent
got away, of course.
I should have known better
than to go fishing with a giant.
Bunch of sissies, giants...
Tell me, Tjalfe,
don't you like bone marrow?
I love it!
- Why don't you have a taste, then?
- Thor said...
There are so many bones.
Who is going to notice just one?
But perhaps you are afraid?
- Thunder.
- And tears forming.
What's this?
Get out here immediately! Now!
Look at that.
Which one of you did it?
- Er... I think it was me.
- You? Come here!
- But he said that...
- Come now, Thor.
- Boys will be boys.
- Nonsense!
Let's say that as punishment for
harming the goat, he'll come with us -
- and be your servant.
He looks like a strong lad.
- Well, I don't know...
- Good. That's settled then.
Today is your lucky day, young man.
It is a rare privilege to become
servant to the god of thunder.
Congratulations, my dear friends.
What an opportunity for a young man.
Servant to the thunder god...
- Will he be all right?
- Of course he will. He's tough.
What an honour!
You must be so proud of him.
He is to live in Asgard
with the mighty god of thunder.
Now, let's have some breakfast.
- Where are you going, Tjalfe?
- To Asgard, to be Thor's servant.
- Will you get to fly in the wagon?
- I suppose so.
- But aren't you afraid?
- At least I won't have to chop wood.
I get to see the world and go on
adventures and fish for serpents.
- Can I come too, Tjalfe?
- No, it's not for kids.
Run along now.
Thor only wants men...
Roskva...
I'll be leaving soon,
so I just wanted to say...
- It ought to be around here.
- What?
The rainbow, young man.
Ah, there it is.
Come along, Tjalfe.
Pretty, isn't it?
Now, come along, boy.
- It won't break, will it?
- Of course not!
- I built it myself.
- Of course.
And so Roskva and Tjalfe
came to Asgard.
Asgard, the land of wonders.
The land of the gods.
To Yggdrasil, the Tree of Life.
To Valhalla.
And to Bilskirnir, Thor's home.
Tjalfe! Roskva!
Come and help me with the children.
Adventure...
Tjalfe, hurry up.
She's waiting for us.
Tjalfe! Roskva!
Work, work, work.
Why do we have to do everything?
Thor is always out rumbling and
having fun, and Loki is never here.
Well, you know Loki.
For the last time: Get me out
of here, you little, miserable...
Pull me up immediately, or it's
straight back to the giants for you!
Quark, my little friend...
Please help Uncle Loki out of here.
Good boy.
Damned brat! You're disgusting.
An embarrassment to your family!
Help! Can anyone hear me?
Help!
They're crying because
they're teething, right, Sif?
I don't remember when I was teething,
but I'll bet it hurts a lot.
Sif, he's wet again.
Hello, everybody.
Sif.
- Having fun, boy?
- Well, I...
What a day.
Tjalfe!
Some mead.
Come to Daddy.
Thanks, son.
I might take you out
hunting trolls one day.
Roskva, Thor said
he might take me hunting.
Sif, they're crying.
So I hear.
They are teething. You know that.
- Can't you do something?
- Yes, my love.
There.
Let's eat.
- Hello, my dear friends.
- Loki... In time for dinner, as usual.
- What is that?
- I Don't know. He followed me home.
I met some extraordinary people.
- Trolls and giants, I suppose.
- I leaned some amazing tricks.
- It's pure magic.
- Magic?
- Have you been at Utgardsloki's?
- I simply must show you this.
- Loki, control your little friend.
- Yes, yes. Now...
I take an apple, a few rose leaves,
and abracadabra...
A beautiful, bright,
beguiling, breathtaking...
...bat?
You little brat! Go stand in the corner
where you can't do any harm.
If you're so good at magic,
then make him disappear.
Unfortunately,
the spells don't last, Thor.
What's he doing now?
- There, there...
- Oh, children will be children.
- Loki, who is he?
- His name is Quark, I think.
I needed a bat for the next trick
anyway. You'll love this.
- From now on...
- Please!
No more trouble!
Roskva, Tjalfe. Gather round.
This is really exciting.
We need two pebbles
and the eyelash of a serpent.
Mix them all together. A little water,
and a sprinkling of mistletoe.
Loki! The little beast
is torturing my children!
- How long is that brat staying?
- Until he's learned some manners.
Well, I can't wait for that.
We're leaving now. Goodbye!
That does it!
Let me have that little monster.
Calm down, Thor.
Sif will be back.
Sif will be livid. If you want to
make thunder, go outside.
I'll clean up in here.
Off you go.
Dear me, what a mess.
Poor things. I wish I could help,
but I have things to do.
I'll be in my room.
Out!
- What's he doing here?
- Never mind him. We're busy.
I could sure use some breakfast.
Where is everything?
Never mind.
I didn't need that plate anyway.
Good morning, dear children.
You're up early.
What? Oh, no!
I noticed you hadn't quite finished.
But I'm sure you will.
- You made the mess!
- You clean it up.
You seem to forget something.
I'm the god, you're the servants.
- Now, start sweeping!
- No!
- You'll do as I say.
- You can't tell us what to do.
- This isn't your house.
- We'll see about that.
Him again? Just wait
until Thor hears about this.
He won't listen to us.
Odin!
King of the gods.
- What about him?
- Well, he's king of the gods.
He should be able to help us
if only we could get to him.
King of the gods?
We'll just get into more trouble.
- We had better wait for Thor.
- You wait then. I'm leaving.
Long way down, isn't it?
We have to wait for Thor.
We don't even know this Odin.
He definitely won't listen to you.
You're just a little girl.
What are you doing?
Escaping.
We don't care, do we?
- Out of the shadows they came.
- Look! Maybe they know the way.
At you service we are.
Definitely.
- Well, do you know the way?
- Are you looking for Odin?
We want to ask him
to do us a favour.
- Strange creatures from beyond.
- The boundaries of time.
Of time.
No. I think you've got it wrong.
We want to...
The king watches over his men.
The head is in trouble
if he beats One-Eye.
- We just want to speak to...
- Come along then.
Come along.
Come, Quark.
I hope they take us to Odin.
That head is really creepy.
Why hasn't it got a body?
Boo! Boo!
Stupid that was.
Didn't move.
I beg your pardon.
We have a small problem,
and I was hoping you could help.
We've been terribly mistreated,
and we've come a long way...
- Hey, I'm talking to you!
- What are you worms doing here?
Odin wants to be left alone.
Get out of here, or I'll...
How did you get past me?
Nobody is allowed to disturb Odin!
Will you get outta here...
You little... I'll get you.
Silence!
Look what I've done.
Rolf, you may leave.
How dare you disturb the king
of the gods? Speak, child.
Well, sir...
Like I was saying -
- we're being terribly mistreated
by some people... er, gods, I mean.
My brother and I, and Quark here,
we did everything we were told to.
I don't mind working,
and I like Thor and Sif.
But Loki never helps...
Get away from the board, you little
worm. Leave that piece alone.
What are you two worms doing here
in the sacred hall of the gods?
I'm dizzy!
Well, what happened?
They kicked us out.
You could have helped.
Of course. Then I would
have been kicked out too.
I told you Odin wouldn't listen
to you and that little creep.
Why are you always so mean to him?
- I'm hungry.
- Serves you right.
- I'm cold.
- Tough.
- I can't wait to get home.
- Well, they won't be glad to see him.
- Why do you always pick on him?
- Because everything is his fault.
- That does it. Goodbye.
- Good riddance.
Oh, Quark!
Good day, young man.
Greetings, human.
Only you will see clearly
when the red one falls.
- And the thunder stills.
- And creation crumbles.
- Rumbles.
- Crumbles.
Just trust your eyes.
And hold on to your belief, human.
All beings need one another,
need each other.
Someone needs you.
Needs you!
Roskva, I've been thinking.
I mean...
We could stay here. Why not?
We could build a tree house and
live in the woods. Follow me, kids!
Hooray for Quark!
You know what, Quark?
You're all right.
So there you are.
You two are coming home, now!
No, not you.
You've caused enough trouble.
That does it!
He's going back to the giants!
- No, you can't do that.
- Why not?
- Because I...
- Go on.
Well, the giants... Utgardsloki,
you know... We had a few drinks -
- and I bet I could teach him
to behave... Quark, I mean.
And now I'm stuck with him.
- I'm taking him back.
- Yes. Do that.
And you're coming with us.
- Utgard.
- Land of giants.
- Giants, beware!
- Thunder approaches!
- To Utgardsloki!
- Cheers!
Cheers!
Bottoms up!
Think I'm an airstrip, do you?
Cheers, you ugly creep!
Here comes dessert.
Remember Quark?
I call dibs on the offal.
Oh, little Quark...
That little monster.
I'd sure like to see
Thor and his friends now.
I'll bet they have their hands full.
Has it occurred to you
that they might send him back?
Well, if it isn't Thor and his friends.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm called Skrymer,
and your cave is my glove.
What brings you to... Ouch!
- I believe this is yours.
- Not for long.
That little monster is going
back to where he belongs.
To Utgardsloki, I presume?
Right. And when I see him...
You and Utgardsloki don't seem
to be the best of buddies.
Well, I must go.
Good luck.
They fell for it.
They're bringing Quark back.
Now for some magic.
You'll receive our visitors.
Open up!
What a surprise.
My friend Thor.
What brings you here?
This.
Put your nose out of joint, did he?
He's all yours now. Goodbye.
You want to fight, do you?
The same old Thor.
We thought we'd seen
the last of you in these parts.
Rumour has is -
- that you're having trouble
with your new little friend.
I guess it's partly my fault.
Anyone can see that Thor doesn't
have the spark of his brighter days.
Given the size of the problem...
Let's not quarrel over
such a small matter.
Let's have a series of contests.
Whoever wins is relieved
of the little rat.
Or are you afraid of losing?
Afraid? You're talking to
the great god of thunder!
I can handle any giant.
Excuse me,
may I propose an eating contest?
For the gods... Loki!
And for the giants... Logi!
He who reaches the string first, wins.
My dear trolls and giants,
may the best stomach...
Begin.
Loki, Loki, Loki...!
Not bad.
What about you, young lady?
No, not me.
I'm not good at anything.
- And you, young man?
- Oh no, I...
Come on. You're not afraid
of a little contest, are you?
Well, yes and no. I...
A race, yes.
A race.
And I've decided
who should oppose you.
On your marks... Ready...
Get set...
Go!
He's so stupid.
I've already won.
Enough is enough.
Now it's my turn.
Sure, sure it is.
If you are my equal -
- you can empty my horn
in one draught.
Sure I can!
Fair is fair, old friend.
I'll give you another try.
See if you can lift
my cat off the floor.
- My patience is running out!
- Come on, humour me.
Stop!
Yes, we don't want any harm
to come to you, old friend.
That's just like you.
To stop when I was winning!
Enough!
I've had enough of your games.
I'm not leaving until one of you
meets me in a wrestling match.
Oops...
- I need to talk to you.
- What? Later.
Fight me, Thor.
What? An old woman?
- You must be joking.
- Elli is my mother, Thor.
- She is stronger than you think.
- I don't fight old women.
How about a dance, my dear lady?
Good day, young man.
- Remember. Only you...
...will see clearly.
- Someone needs you.
- Trust your eyes.
Thor!
Thor, the old woman...
She is... Thor!
Aren't you gonna do something?
Take this! And that,
you monster! And that!
Can't you see?
He's dying!
His face...
No! It's not true.
No.
He's only sleeping.
Thor! Wake up!
Gods can't die.
Only you will see clearly
when the red one falls -
- and the thunder stills.
I must believe, I must believe.
What happened?
She's a tough old lady.
What are you looking at?
All right, so she won.
What of it?
What is going on?
Shut up!
Well, my friend.
You can't win them all.
So Quark stays with you. Right?
Come on, let's party. Music!
Come on, let's all party!
Victory is ours
victory is ours
the gods are pitiful, the gods
are pitiful, the gods are pitiful
you're staying with us
you're staying with us forever
Here you go.
- Remarkable old woman.
- Yes, very puzzling.
- I think they've been having us on.
- I tried to tell you, Loki.
- Be quiet. I'm thinking.
- It was magic.
I'm quite sure they used magic.
- I'm sorry I lost, boy.
- But you didn't lose.
- I saw it in the mirror.
- Interesting.
It wasn't a cat at all.
It was the Midgard Serpent.
And you didn't lose either, Loki.
Look at the trough. It's burnt.
- The old woman beat me, though.
- Of course!
Thor, she was Age.
Nobody can fight that. Not even you.
I'll show those scoundrels!
Just a moment. We don't want
any more broken bones, do we?
- I will handle this.
- You?
Yes, me.
Now, listen closely...
Children, go play.
And then...
This will do.
Good morning, my dear friends.
What a beautiful day.
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
- Too bad you have to keep Quark.
- Oh, we'll survive.
- Won't we, Thor?
- We sure will, Loki.
Have a safe journey.
Come back soon.
And by the way, my friends -
- I wasn't my usual
honest self with you.
Those contests...
- Simple magic.
- Simple.
Things aren't always
what they seem, are they?
Like this little creature here.
Unfortunately, the spell doesn't last.
- What have you done to him?
- Absolutely nothing.
The real Quark is...
I locked him up, but as long as we
got through the gates without him...
- It's a chicken.
- I know that, dummy.
You got me, you old goat.
I'll keep the little brat.
There is so much to tell.
That place was simply filthy.
They're so ugly and cunning,
they even had me fooled.
But once I realised
what was going on -
- well, I duped them.
By the way, what's for dinner?
- Boy...
- Yes, Thor?
- For you.
- For me?
A real sword!
Thank you.
Remember, son. A true warrior
knows when not to use it.