Vampires Suck (2010) Movie Script
What would you do to save someone you love?
For Edward, I would stop at nothing.
What is he doing?
- Edward!!!
Edward? Where?
Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!
Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!
No, Jacob's the best!
[SPF 500 Sunscreen Lotion
Prevents vampire from bursting into flames.]
[True Blood 40]
He's exposing himself!
No!
Edward!!!
Let me start from the beginning.
I used to live with my mom in Phoenix.
Now she is always on the road, since she started doing some pro golfer.
So I came here to the foggy town of Sporks, Washington.
Population, 3120.
Holy Shit!
Make that 3119.
Anyway, I came here to live with my dad, Frank.
He's the chief of police.
I havent seen you in a while, your hair is longer.
I err, I grow it out.
I guess it's hard for me to accept my girls growing up.
I mean look at the size of those tits
- Dad!
[Bite Me Mix, I Hate Life Mix]
[Loathe Ya Mix, Teen Angst Mix]
[The Club: Tonight Only. Vampire Weekend]
There's something strange about this town.
[Family Dentist. Brighter Bites. 1810]
Couldnt put my finger on it.
[Will work for blood]
-[Hissing]
I, used to stay here almost every winter, but it's been years.
I, I kept your room the same as since you left me.
Great!
- Remember your hamster, Herman?
Buddy must have missed a couple feedings
Do you still play with your doll?
- Uh, I dont think so.
What's that?
It's been lonely since your mom left.
Well, come downstairs. Some people are excited to see you.
Who wants a batsy? Good girl~
Dad, I'm a teenager.
- Right
I guess I better watch out some of the steps then.
Frank didnt get me, I was'nt his little girl anymore.
Hey, you remember Bobby right?
- Yeah. You're looking good.
Good? I'm in a wheelchair, I can not feel anything below my waist.
You know what's below the waist? My penis.
-I'm s-sorry.
- We're all glad you're here.
Especially your dad. He wouldnt shut up about ya.
Careful there Bob, or I got to roll you down the hill.
Oh boy, I'm not scared. Bring it on.
-Hahaha
Oh here we go. We're going somewhere.
Oh oh
-Err hi, I'm Jacob.
- Hi
We err, we used to play together. Play doctor?
Oh, right right. I, I remember now. I gave you a prostate exam.
So, are we gonna be at the same school?
- Oh I go to school on reservation.
It must be fun to drink and gamble all day.
Too bad we're not gonna be at school together.
It would be nice to know 1 person.
Got your welcome home present. What do you think?
Erm, to think that you're trying to buy my affection
with that piece of shit truck
to make up for all the years in which
you have neglected me as a father...
Told you she'd like it.
It's cool.
-I fixed the engine myself.
Thanks, Jacob.
-Go ahead, hop in.
Okay, see you got to pump the gas to start her up. Damn fleas!
Jacob, your.. foot ?
It's all this puberty, I've been feeling... different.
Excuse me, I gotta take a leak
It guess, my body is just going through some changes.
Cat!!!
[High School Sporksa, Home of the Bloodsuckers]
[Sad Misunderstood New Student With Crappy Old Truck Parking Only]
The first day of school, in the middle of the year being the new kid has never been easy!
Nice clothes, still shopping in the boys section
Give her a break, that's what i used to wear when i was still a virgin.
Where'd you get that haircut, Fantastic Lesbian?
[Kick me!]
Hey, new kid!
Hi, I'm Derek. . - Rebecca.
I'm the eyes and ears of this place. I can hook you up with whatever you need.
Cheat sheet, adult porno, harvested organ?
Er no, thanks.
Oh, I get it. You're one of those antisocial long suffering loner type.
Actually I'm more of the humorous type, kinda sarcastic all those insecurity with no great personality
yet every hot guys find me irresistable
You must be Becca? I'm Rick. . Damn girl, you seem really boring and frigid
You want to go to Prom with me?
You see? . - I'm Jennifer.
The future prom queen. I'm gonna pretend to be your bff
But if you touch Rick I'll cut you.
Who are they?
Oh, those are the Sullens, they're all like adopted by Doctor Carlton, so they're
not biologically related, but they're really, really close.
They moved here a few years ago, and they're like, super weird. It's a total mystery.
Their skin is ice cold, they feed on human flesh and they all sleep in coffins.
Maybe they're Canadians?
And, Who's that? - Sneki, Kitty, Nemanja ...
No, the douchebag in short
... He's really pale, with big hair and veal view.
Edward Sullen. . He's a real hotty.
But, evidently, no one here is worthy.
He wont even accept me as his facebook friend.
Favourite activity, searching for soul which has been cast into eternal damnation?
Ooh, you guys are having like an instant connection.
What are you talking about..
- Duh~, hardwick 101, you both are
Staring at each other in slow motion
which although cheesy and obvious, it underscores your respective yearnings.
Oh... right..
Beck, why not take the empty seat next to that mysterious boy
you're destined to have a fatalistic relationship, which that will
spawn 4 books and a movie franchise.
What, it smell..
-Like sourcrum
Lunch
I'm Becca. . - I'm Edward.
So, you're new to Sporks. . How do you like the weather?
I do not like cold and wet things.
So must certainly hate frappe.
I'm just trying to figure you out.
Alright class, turn to page 63 in your book.
[Vampire Diary]
This is biology. Why are we reading Vampire Diaries?
In the 80s, Coke's all the rage. In the 90s, grunge
Now is era of vampires. It's just super trendy!
That's uh, amazing.
Oh, Hi.
Why are'nt you wearing a shirt?
-I work part time at Abercrombie & Fish...
It's always the same with the questions,
Who are you? . Why are you doing this?
The carpet's dont match the drape, yeah...
That's hot.
I've got a serious case of the muchies,
I think you know what I need to eat.
Cheetos?
What about ...
- What?
The killing!
Oh, right! My wrong.
You know who we are dont you?
Yes! You look like B.E.P.
Oh, come on, not again? . Why does everyone always think
that we're the "Black Eyed Peas" . I mean her... I get it...
I get it...
She looks just like Fergie , . and he looks like Will.I.Am, but, Jesus christ!
They dont even have a white guy in their band.
He hit me! . - That's right.
Mixed martial arts, tae bo and yoga classes created this.
How do you like that, pink boy.
Help me, help me. - Coming elbow!
Son of a bitch! . - I am not afraid of you!
You should be!
Damn that overlook! . I'm quite a teenager love!
I could not stop thinking about Edward Sullen.
No mortal could have the strength to do that,
or posses such amazing dexterity.
He can't be human.
Meanwhile out town Bolero . was getting cozy with Nate, who is secretly
having a crush with Serena.
I'm sorry, but you're interrupting my narration. .
- Oh Shit, wrong show.
XOXO, gossip girl.
I heard about the accident. . Are you okay?
I'm... fine.
- I brought you this.
[Please, be a mother of my childrens!
Thanks Jacob. You're so sweet and thoughtful
Any girl would be lucky to have you
It's not me of course. . You're like my little baby brother.
I heard you're hanging out with Edward Sullen. Stay away from him.
It's just something really wrong with that guy.
I better go.
Hey sweetheart, there you are.
There was a killing today . Fisherman Scully, near the docks.
blood is drained from his body and multiple bites wound on his neck.
You know what that means? The Cardashian's in town.
I want you to have this.
- Mace?
You're my little girl, and there's a killer onthe loose.
I'm not gonna leave until I know you can protect yourself.
Now, I'm gonna come at you. I want you to mace me.
!?
- Honey, I'm trained for this.
Ow god damn it. It's so painful, it burns!
I'm sorry, Dad. . - No no, I'm proud of you.
You all right? . - Mace will only temporarily
stop the attackers. You have to hit a man where he breathes, Becca.
You got quite a kick there. . Good for you!
But still I'm coming at you. Rip off the mustache.
But you love your mustache.
- If anything happens to you.
I could not live with myself . Do it! Do it!
You're Ready to go.
Am I dreaming? . - Right, you're dreaming.
So, you're not really here . - Exactly. Back to sleep.
Becca, you're sleep walking.
You're sleep walking!
Just your breathing, is the greatest gift you can give me.
I started to wonder, maybe I wasnt dreaming afterall.
I had to figure out..
Is Edward Sullen a human, or something different entirely.
Oh snap, he left his business card.
[Edward Sullen Vampire Extraordinare
"Once You Go Bat, You Never Go Back!']
Good Morning, Sporks High School
Tickets are now on sale for the prom
And after school today dont forget the blood
drive
generously sponsored by the Sullen family.
Come to the prom! Prom is here!
Here get your flyer for prom
Check it out, we finally got a theme. It's gonna be awesome.
The theme is Vampires... - We just came out with it randomly.
Cool, huh?
It gonna be like the Festival of St. Salvatore like they have in Italy every year,
that celebrate the killing of vampires
They gonna rent out a whole courtyard and
it will be as if we were in the 15th century.
It will be super fun, a lot of red capes, a lot of blood and drinking.
Are you in?
-I dont know. Proms not really my thing.
Well it's my thing! I mean,really Becca what is with you?
Prom is like the pivotal moment in any girl's life and
I have only
been dreaming of being Prom queen
since I was a sperm in my Dad's boxer!
We need to talk.
Your skin is really white, you dress fashionably
and you're obscene from sex. I know what you are!
Say it, outloud. Say it.
"Jonas Brothers ".
- That's right!
Wait, what? No, I'm a vampire. Duh..
It was my next guess
- Then ask yourself
the most obvious question. What do we like to eat?
Vampire cereals?
You need to see what I really look like
This is why we dont show ourselves in the summer
People would know we're different.
-Oh yeah, shining..
-Nah, it's just my body.
You dont get it, I'm a killer!
-Are you texting?
- Yeah, Jennifer!
[OMG-EDWARD IS SO YUMMY!]
[Text to: Jennifer]
I am one of the most dangerous predators.
I want to eat you.
-That's cool.
Most guys are into that.
My family ... We are not like other vampires.
We can control our thirst. To hunt only animals and the real housewives in Atlanta.
But I dont know if I can control myself around you.
Look...
I, I dont like to play games. So ...
I'm just gonna lay all my cards on the table. I really, like you.
I dig that eurotrash heroin chic look. You're totally happening.
I want to be with you.
- I can read everyone's mind..
but not yours. You'll have to tell me exactly what you thinking.
You're pretty so you dont have to be smart.
- Will you like to go Prom with me?
-Yes
-That's awesome
The three things I was absolutely positive about. First,
Edward is a vampire. Second, American Idol is much better with Ellen
and third, the next time I saw Edward, I was gonna hump the shit out of him.
-Boo.
Oh. Oh god, you scared me.
-There is something that I wanted to try.
-Me too, I love roleplaying.
Thats, ehm, that's not what I meant.
Dont move.
Kiss me already. I know it'll be okay.
That was amazing~ I never got to first base before.
No, let's go all the way.
Ring, ring.
I might not be able to resist the urges... to kill you.
-I dont mind.
- What?
Oh.. Oh yeah, I like it rough.
Stay away from me. No, please please, dont come any closer.
This is for your own safety. I'm trying to protect you.
If this is gonna work, we got to take thing slowly
I guess that's ok, eventhough my teenage hormon are raging and I want
to have sex with you. I feel conflicted about
losing my virginity. I know that you'd never have sex with me
because you're a vampires ...
so, it's really are the ultimate pubescent girl's fantasy
-That was incredibly insightful
- Huh, I read it on Stephanie Meyers Twitter page
I promise, as long as you're with me, . you will never get hurt.
Starting now.
Oh, shit! I think we all know whatever kill Fisherman Sculley was no animal.
Look at those traces. This can only mean one thing.
Immigrants. Damn bordercrossers. They come here and take
all the shity job us lazy Americans dont want, and now
they kill our fishermen too.
-Yea.. Frank, I think you're missing the big picture.
That is a big picture.
It is my eighteenth birthday.
And.. the sullens are throwing me a party.
This is home.
Hey.. there is no reason to be nervous.
I am different than you. They might not accept me.
It's like the time with my ex-boyfriend, Sean, invited me to
grandmama's house to celebrate Kwanza.
I want you to meet my family.
- You must be Becca.
I'm Edward's mom, Eden. We've heard so much about you.
Fingerfood?
That's Alex and Rosalyn.
I just know we're gonna be great great friends.
- This is Iris.
-I hope we will be.
- No, she already knows that it will happen.
Some of us have special powers. Iris has visions of the future.
-I'm not on my period
- You will be. It's coming early this month.
Relax, Becca. We're just like any normal American family
Except of course we have no soul and
we walk the earth trying to satisfy
unquenchable thirst for blood.
-I'm Jeremiah.
-He's new to the family.
He's still trying to control his hunger for human.
Look, I dont want to cause any problems. Maybe I should go.
- But you have to open your presents.
Papercut.
You're bleeding.
Yea, really bad. I hit an artery.
Look at your nose.
Yeah I knew I shouldnt have party last night
with Lindsay Lohan.
Every time I bring a girl, you guys try to eat her!
-It's unfair!
- Come on!
Someone here ordered Chinese food?
Quick, they'll be hungry again in half an hour.
What happened back there could never happen again.
I now know as long as I'm around you, you'll never be safe.
That's why I want you to bite me...
and turn me into a vampire.
-No.
- I keep aging and you stay the same.
I'm 18 now. I'm practically a cougar.
I just..
I could'nt live with myself. If I turn you into a vampire.
You're always sexy and healthy and super good looking with tons of free times
and money to travel the world. It's a lot like being George Clooney.
Seriously, the only thing that keeps aging is... your ass.
It's very wrinkly all the time.
You'll never see me again.
Just.. promise me that you won't do anything reckless.
Okay, I promise that I wont date Chris Brown.
Farewell.
Edward.. Edward...
Edward!
So, you're just gonna leave me alone in the wood,
in an areas full of vampire who wanna eat me.
Looks like Edward left us a treat.
Great! Exactly what I was talking about.
Take that!
-I came here to help, you bitch!
- Sorry!
There's no where else to run. Your beloved Edward is not here to save you.
Come on, Jack. Where's the bro codes? Huh?
You know you dont try to eat someone's girlfriend
right after they break up with them?
Kardashians.
Let's go!
I'm gonna have to suck the venom out of you.
Know it, that this will be tough for me
because the taste of your blood could send me into a frenzy
But on the other hand...
- Just do it already!
Okay, Edward, I think you got all the venom out. You can stop now.
And just like that, Edward was gone.
I just.. could'nt get over him. Why did he had to leave me?
[He's not that into You]
[The Girls Guide To: Surviving A Vampire Love Affair]
[Confessions of a batshit : Love Crazed Teen-age girl]
Time pass but my yearning for Edward never subsided
Everyone reminded me of him.
I could'nt get Edward out of my mind.
No matter where I looked,
No matter where I saw,
without Edward, my life is over.. I felt like dying.
And every night I had nightmares that would make me scream
really really loud.
Becca, Becca, Becca
You're so upset. Let me check your level.
Oh, It's not good. You got more worse than the secret life of American teenagers.
You know Honey, I'm not real good at the whole parenting thing,
but I do know that breakups are hard.
especially when you're dumped by someone as handsome and hunky as Edward.
That boy can really fill up a pair of pants.
I mean "Oouuh Look at that~ Look at that~"
Now let's face it, honey, you're no looker, and you twitch a lot
it's kind of irritating.
That's for sure the best piece of ass you'll ever got.
That's my girl.
Oh, Your friend Jennifer keeps calling..
You should hangout with her.
Probably cheer you up. I want you to say good night to your new mommy.
Good Night, Beka, I love you..
I Love you~
She really does.
Well, we're gonna get busy. Good night, sweetheart.
I dont get it. Why would anyone want to do a vampire? Lame~
-Yeah, so lame.
- That one's totally gonna flop.
[The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn]
I cant believe they got married and have a vampire baby.
Owhh, thanks for the spoilers alert dumb shit!
It's too bad Edward dumped you and now you dont have a date for the prom.
Cause that dress would look great on you.
But you dont need a dress. Because Edward left you behind in the forest like bearshit.
So I'm gonna wear it instead! And everyone gonna be like, super-jealous.
Can you just die!?
- No, but you can.
Well, this is me. Where are you parked?
Uhh, over there.
Ouh, right next to those mean and scary biker dudes?
See you at school tomorrow!
Hey baby! Come over here and you can sit on my bike.
Becca, those guys are dangerous. Walk away.
Oh, shit. Those guys are dangerous.
- Told ya.
Wether it was real, or imagine, I knew
that the more I put myself in danger,
the more contact I would have with Edward.
This is your brake, and this is your throttle.
Jacob, There's a.. there's something different about you. I don't know what is!
I've been meaning to tell you.
I'm a mannoberger.
Are you, telling me..
- That's right. I've had my barmitzvah.
Mussletolf!
-So you think...
- I er.. say again. Could'nt hear you.
Yea right, erm..
- What?
Maybe if you stop revving the bike whenever
I'm about to ask something really important, you could hear me.
Great, sorry.
- Thank you.
Becca, I wanted to ask you..
Oh, come on!
Becca would you wanna date with me?
- Sorry, but I feel yelled at, Jacob.
I think I'll just, take her for a spin.
Just one thing first.
You just cut the brakelines.
Becca, stop. You're going to hurt yourselves.
Put down the guitar and stop singing like Taylor Swift.
If this is what it takes to be with you Edward. So be it!
Becca, don't drink that milk. You know you're lactose intolerant.
This is for you, Edward.
Sorry. But I did try to warn you.
Are you trying to get yourself killed?!
You're bleeding. Here!
Your body is so.. furry!?
Are.. Are those tits?
- Yea, several of them actually.
I'll better get you some help.
That was fast.
You are so scrumptous.
No!
Be happy it was me that found you.. and not Rachel.
Why? What happened to Rachel?
She was.. recasted.
She wants to torture you, for what you did to Jack. At least I will eat you fast.
Jacob, run!
-That's it? A Chiuahua?
- Oh yea, I guess so.
-This whole transformation thing is new to me.
- You can't stop me.
-You're no werewolf.
- That's why we always travel in a pack.
-Please~
- Get 'em, girls!
Sign this!
Now, let's get you home.
Why can't Carrie and Big just be together?
There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you.
You look like shit.
-What do you want?
Look, we're all sorry we tried to drink Becca's blood,
even Jermiah. But something terrible has happened to her.
Becca who? I am totally over her.
I've moved on, I'm done with normal chicks.
I've finally found someone as freaky as me.
-Too freaky?
- Edward, I had a vision
Becca was driving a motorcycle..
She tried to kill herself.
I fear Becca maybe dead.
No.. I gotta find out!
How do you feel?
I bet it's Edward, isn't it?
Here.
[ Rebound Guy : Herbal Tea ]
Why did you just take off your shirt?
The contract says I have to,
every 10 minute of screen time.
Look, Edward left you,
but I would never.. do that.
I wanna take it out of the friends zone.
I really like you Becca.
I like you too, when I'm with you...
-I just feel so safe and secure.
-Thanks.
I suppose I always felt with Edward which is all so
passion, lust, complete forbidden fruit stuff.
-I mean with him it's all about my Va-jay-jay
- Okay, yeah.
Do you mind getting that?
- Hello!
-Officer Crane!?
-No, he's not here right now
- Where is he?
It's very important that I speak with him.
" Becca, At the Fisherman Sculley's Funeral.
Roast is in the oven-- weed is in the top drawer! -Love,Dad "
-He's at the funeral
-Oh God, no!
Yea, and supposedly the body was so mangled
that the undertaker had to use ..
crazy glue to stick the hand back on and
put marbles where the eyes once were.
Hello? Hello?
-It's true! Becca's dead!
- Edward, I'm so sorry!
I can't live without her.
Goodbye, Iris. I'm going to kill myself.
I just had another vision about Becca.
Becca's fine, you don't have to kill yourself anymore.
Shit!
What's the matter, Becca?
Still no date for the prom?
Loser!
Here! Have a drink, bitch!
Becca, get in the car. Now!
-What wrong?
- Edward thinks you're dead.
Why would he think that?
Beats me. He won't live without you
and he wants to die.
He's such a romantic.
Becca, don't go. You belong with me.
I need to know who's it gonna be?
Me or him?
I'm not gonna for an answer. I'm not gonna let go.
-You tell me, once and for all.
- Alright! Jacob, I'll tell you
-I choose..
- Cat!
Edward going to the Volturri to have them kill him.
I saw it, I had a vision.
I had a vision. . - What do you talking about?
-What are you talking about? Who are the Volturri
- They're the evil bloodsucker..
who only care about themselves and
their own mirror vision of the world.
-They're kind of like "Fox News ".
- Oh my God!
Edward's going to expose himself in the sun
and the Volturri are going to kill him!
They cannot allow human to know vampires are among them.
-It could destroy us. - Okay, where is this going to happen?
At the prom. The Volturri never miss a good Salvadore festival.
This all the way in Italy. Say what you want about them,
but they do know how to party
Welcome Sporks High students to the two thousand and ten prom.
And don't forget the main event coming up shortly.
The crowning, of your prom king and queen!
And if you havent had the chance to vote yet,
dont worry there's still time.
Just to be sure!
Becca, you're the only one that can stop Edward.
You have to show him..
-You're still alive.
- I'll do whatever it takes.
So..
what would you do to save someone you love?
For Edward, I would stop at nothing.
Well, you already saw this part,
so let's get to what happens next.
No!
Shit!
Edward, it.. it's not sunny anymore.
It's.. twlight.
Hey, new moon.
Eclipse!?
Look at me, everyone! This is me, in all my glory.
Oh, lucky penny!
You're alive?
We have to go now!
I'm so sorry. I promise you that I will never leave you again!
-The Zolturri are standing right behind me? Arent they?
- Yep.
-Don't worry Becca..
- Not talking smack now, are we?
-Stop it.
-Stop it.
-You're killing him.
-You're killing him.
-And we haven't even have sex yet.
-And we haven't even have sex yet..
Really? Even?
-Dad!
- There you are.
I was worried about my little girl. There's still a killer on the loose.
But I can see you're dancing with your friends.
So everything's alright.
Dad, no! You have to know the truth.
All the killings was done by vampires.
Edward's one also. And Bobby is a werewolf.
-I understand..
- Thank God.
the theme of the prom!
-No, Dad..
- Enjoy, okay.
Good bye, oh wait..
Thanks for everything ...
Too Close. Separate, arms length apart.
Too Close.. seperate. Arms length apart!
Too Close! Seperate! Arms length apart!
Tell cheese!~
Tell cheese!~
What.. the hell?
"Dear Edward, I'm going to kill you! Have a great Summer!
-Love Always, Daro"
Where's Becca?!
Surrender, now~ Or Salvator will snap the neck like a Slim Jim.
You must pay for exposing yourself.
Tell you what I'm going to do, Ed?
I won't kill you, but.. Becca has to become a vampire.
-Cool?~
-Not cool!
-No way! Never!
- Alright~ Pull Edward's head off then..
rip his body part and set him on fire.
- No! no.. no! I mean, Yes! I meant yes!
Of course, she would love to become a vampire
she practically brings it up all the time. Right, honey?
-I guess so
- Then, bite her now! Bite!
Listen up people! May I have your attention!
And now the moment you've all been waiting for..
and this year Sporks High prom king and prom queen is..
Jennifer, and Rick!
Congratulations!
Hold on. It seems you two received over 69 000 votes..
in a class that have only 300.
I'm afraid you're disqualified.
You! Asswipe! My life is over!
As your principal, I will nominate
a new prom king and queen.
-Us?..
-Yes, because you two examplifies what's best..
about this whole prom. I mean you really look like
a couple of mean, evil bloodsucking vampire
Oh my God! We won!
Do it! Bite me now!
I don't want to wait a second longer.
I'll only turn you into a vampire..
on one condition..
Marry me.
Yes.
[ Insert Fangs Here ]
-How you feel?
- Perfect!
-It's what I've always imagined.
- I Love You, Bek..
Team Jacob! Bitch!
For Edward, I would stop at nothing.
What is he doing?
- Edward!!!
Edward? Where?
Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!
Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!
No, Jacob's the best!
[SPF 500 Sunscreen Lotion
Prevents vampire from bursting into flames.]
[True Blood 40]
He's exposing himself!
No!
Edward!!!
Let me start from the beginning.
I used to live with my mom in Phoenix.
Now she is always on the road, since she started doing some pro golfer.
So I came here to the foggy town of Sporks, Washington.
Population, 3120.
Holy Shit!
Make that 3119.
Anyway, I came here to live with my dad, Frank.
He's the chief of police.
I havent seen you in a while, your hair is longer.
I err, I grow it out.
I guess it's hard for me to accept my girls growing up.
I mean look at the size of those tits
- Dad!
[Bite Me Mix, I Hate Life Mix]
[Loathe Ya Mix, Teen Angst Mix]
[The Club: Tonight Only. Vampire Weekend]
There's something strange about this town.
[Family Dentist. Brighter Bites. 1810]
Couldnt put my finger on it.
[Will work for blood]
-[Hissing]
I, used to stay here almost every winter, but it's been years.
I, I kept your room the same as since you left me.
Great!
- Remember your hamster, Herman?
Buddy must have missed a couple feedings
Do you still play with your doll?
- Uh, I dont think so.
What's that?
It's been lonely since your mom left.
Well, come downstairs. Some people are excited to see you.
Who wants a batsy? Good girl~
Dad, I'm a teenager.
- Right
I guess I better watch out some of the steps then.
Frank didnt get me, I was'nt his little girl anymore.
Hey, you remember Bobby right?
- Yeah. You're looking good.
Good? I'm in a wheelchair, I can not feel anything below my waist.
You know what's below the waist? My penis.
-I'm s-sorry.
- We're all glad you're here.
Especially your dad. He wouldnt shut up about ya.
Careful there Bob, or I got to roll you down the hill.
Oh boy, I'm not scared. Bring it on.
-Hahaha
Oh here we go. We're going somewhere.
Oh oh
-Err hi, I'm Jacob.
- Hi
We err, we used to play together. Play doctor?
Oh, right right. I, I remember now. I gave you a prostate exam.
So, are we gonna be at the same school?
- Oh I go to school on reservation.
It must be fun to drink and gamble all day.
Too bad we're not gonna be at school together.
It would be nice to know 1 person.
Got your welcome home present. What do you think?
Erm, to think that you're trying to buy my affection
with that piece of shit truck
to make up for all the years in which
you have neglected me as a father...
Told you she'd like it.
It's cool.
-I fixed the engine myself.
Thanks, Jacob.
-Go ahead, hop in.
Okay, see you got to pump the gas to start her up. Damn fleas!
Jacob, your.. foot ?
It's all this puberty, I've been feeling... different.
Excuse me, I gotta take a leak
It guess, my body is just going through some changes.
Cat!!!
[High School Sporksa, Home of the Bloodsuckers]
[Sad Misunderstood New Student With Crappy Old Truck Parking Only]
The first day of school, in the middle of the year being the new kid has never been easy!
Nice clothes, still shopping in the boys section
Give her a break, that's what i used to wear when i was still a virgin.
Where'd you get that haircut, Fantastic Lesbian?
[Kick me!]
Hey, new kid!
Hi, I'm Derek. . - Rebecca.
I'm the eyes and ears of this place. I can hook you up with whatever you need.
Cheat sheet, adult porno, harvested organ?
Er no, thanks.
Oh, I get it. You're one of those antisocial long suffering loner type.
Actually I'm more of the humorous type, kinda sarcastic all those insecurity with no great personality
yet every hot guys find me irresistable
You must be Becca? I'm Rick. . Damn girl, you seem really boring and frigid
You want to go to Prom with me?
You see? . - I'm Jennifer.
The future prom queen. I'm gonna pretend to be your bff
But if you touch Rick I'll cut you.
Who are they?
Oh, those are the Sullens, they're all like adopted by Doctor Carlton, so they're
not biologically related, but they're really, really close.
They moved here a few years ago, and they're like, super weird. It's a total mystery.
Their skin is ice cold, they feed on human flesh and they all sleep in coffins.
Maybe they're Canadians?
And, Who's that? - Sneki, Kitty, Nemanja ...
No, the douchebag in short
... He's really pale, with big hair and veal view.
Edward Sullen. . He's a real hotty.
But, evidently, no one here is worthy.
He wont even accept me as his facebook friend.
Favourite activity, searching for soul which has been cast into eternal damnation?
Ooh, you guys are having like an instant connection.
What are you talking about..
- Duh~, hardwick 101, you both are
Staring at each other in slow motion
which although cheesy and obvious, it underscores your respective yearnings.
Oh... right..
Beck, why not take the empty seat next to that mysterious boy
you're destined to have a fatalistic relationship, which that will
spawn 4 books and a movie franchise.
What, it smell..
-Like sourcrum
Lunch
I'm Becca. . - I'm Edward.
So, you're new to Sporks. . How do you like the weather?
I do not like cold and wet things.
So must certainly hate frappe.
I'm just trying to figure you out.
Alright class, turn to page 63 in your book.
[Vampire Diary]
This is biology. Why are we reading Vampire Diaries?
In the 80s, Coke's all the rage. In the 90s, grunge
Now is era of vampires. It's just super trendy!
That's uh, amazing.
Oh, Hi.
Why are'nt you wearing a shirt?
-I work part time at Abercrombie & Fish...
It's always the same with the questions,
Who are you? . Why are you doing this?
The carpet's dont match the drape, yeah...
That's hot.
I've got a serious case of the muchies,
I think you know what I need to eat.
Cheetos?
What about ...
- What?
The killing!
Oh, right! My wrong.
You know who we are dont you?
Yes! You look like B.E.P.
Oh, come on, not again? . Why does everyone always think
that we're the "Black Eyed Peas" . I mean her... I get it...
I get it...
She looks just like Fergie , . and he looks like Will.I.Am, but, Jesus christ!
They dont even have a white guy in their band.
He hit me! . - That's right.
Mixed martial arts, tae bo and yoga classes created this.
How do you like that, pink boy.
Help me, help me. - Coming elbow!
Son of a bitch! . - I am not afraid of you!
You should be!
Damn that overlook! . I'm quite a teenager love!
I could not stop thinking about Edward Sullen.
No mortal could have the strength to do that,
or posses such amazing dexterity.
He can't be human.
Meanwhile out town Bolero . was getting cozy with Nate, who is secretly
having a crush with Serena.
I'm sorry, but you're interrupting my narration. .
- Oh Shit, wrong show.
XOXO, gossip girl.
I heard about the accident. . Are you okay?
I'm... fine.
- I brought you this.
[Please, be a mother of my childrens!
Thanks Jacob. You're so sweet and thoughtful
Any girl would be lucky to have you
It's not me of course. . You're like my little baby brother.
I heard you're hanging out with Edward Sullen. Stay away from him.
It's just something really wrong with that guy.
I better go.
Hey sweetheart, there you are.
There was a killing today . Fisherman Scully, near the docks.
blood is drained from his body and multiple bites wound on his neck.
You know what that means? The Cardashian's in town.
I want you to have this.
- Mace?
You're my little girl, and there's a killer onthe loose.
I'm not gonna leave until I know you can protect yourself.
Now, I'm gonna come at you. I want you to mace me.
!?
- Honey, I'm trained for this.
Ow god damn it. It's so painful, it burns!
I'm sorry, Dad. . - No no, I'm proud of you.
You all right? . - Mace will only temporarily
stop the attackers. You have to hit a man where he breathes, Becca.
You got quite a kick there. . Good for you!
But still I'm coming at you. Rip off the mustache.
But you love your mustache.
- If anything happens to you.
I could not live with myself . Do it! Do it!
You're Ready to go.
Am I dreaming? . - Right, you're dreaming.
So, you're not really here . - Exactly. Back to sleep.
Becca, you're sleep walking.
You're sleep walking!
Just your breathing, is the greatest gift you can give me.
I started to wonder, maybe I wasnt dreaming afterall.
I had to figure out..
Is Edward Sullen a human, or something different entirely.
Oh snap, he left his business card.
[Edward Sullen Vampire Extraordinare
"Once You Go Bat, You Never Go Back!']
Good Morning, Sporks High School
Tickets are now on sale for the prom
And after school today dont forget the blood
drive
generously sponsored by the Sullen family.
Come to the prom! Prom is here!
Here get your flyer for prom
Check it out, we finally got a theme. It's gonna be awesome.
The theme is Vampires... - We just came out with it randomly.
Cool, huh?
It gonna be like the Festival of St. Salvatore like they have in Italy every year,
that celebrate the killing of vampires
They gonna rent out a whole courtyard and
it will be as if we were in the 15th century.
It will be super fun, a lot of red capes, a lot of blood and drinking.
Are you in?
-I dont know. Proms not really my thing.
Well it's my thing! I mean,really Becca what is with you?
Prom is like the pivotal moment in any girl's life and
I have only
been dreaming of being Prom queen
since I was a sperm in my Dad's boxer!
We need to talk.
Your skin is really white, you dress fashionably
and you're obscene from sex. I know what you are!
Say it, outloud. Say it.
"Jonas Brothers ".
- That's right!
Wait, what? No, I'm a vampire. Duh..
It was my next guess
- Then ask yourself
the most obvious question. What do we like to eat?
Vampire cereals?
You need to see what I really look like
This is why we dont show ourselves in the summer
People would know we're different.
-Oh yeah, shining..
-Nah, it's just my body.
You dont get it, I'm a killer!
-Are you texting?
- Yeah, Jennifer!
[OMG-EDWARD IS SO YUMMY!]
[Text to: Jennifer]
I am one of the most dangerous predators.
I want to eat you.
-That's cool.
Most guys are into that.
My family ... We are not like other vampires.
We can control our thirst. To hunt only animals and the real housewives in Atlanta.
But I dont know if I can control myself around you.
Look...
I, I dont like to play games. So ...
I'm just gonna lay all my cards on the table. I really, like you.
I dig that eurotrash heroin chic look. You're totally happening.
I want to be with you.
- I can read everyone's mind..
but not yours. You'll have to tell me exactly what you thinking.
You're pretty so you dont have to be smart.
- Will you like to go Prom with me?
-Yes
-That's awesome
The three things I was absolutely positive about. First,
Edward is a vampire. Second, American Idol is much better with Ellen
and third, the next time I saw Edward, I was gonna hump the shit out of him.
-Boo.
Oh. Oh god, you scared me.
-There is something that I wanted to try.
-Me too, I love roleplaying.
Thats, ehm, that's not what I meant.
Dont move.
Kiss me already. I know it'll be okay.
That was amazing~ I never got to first base before.
No, let's go all the way.
Ring, ring.
I might not be able to resist the urges... to kill you.
-I dont mind.
- What?
Oh.. Oh yeah, I like it rough.
Stay away from me. No, please please, dont come any closer.
This is for your own safety. I'm trying to protect you.
If this is gonna work, we got to take thing slowly
I guess that's ok, eventhough my teenage hormon are raging and I want
to have sex with you. I feel conflicted about
losing my virginity. I know that you'd never have sex with me
because you're a vampires ...
so, it's really are the ultimate pubescent girl's fantasy
-That was incredibly insightful
- Huh, I read it on Stephanie Meyers Twitter page
I promise, as long as you're with me, . you will never get hurt.
Starting now.
Oh, shit! I think we all know whatever kill Fisherman Sculley was no animal.
Look at those traces. This can only mean one thing.
Immigrants. Damn bordercrossers. They come here and take
all the shity job us lazy Americans dont want, and now
they kill our fishermen too.
-Yea.. Frank, I think you're missing the big picture.
That is a big picture.
It is my eighteenth birthday.
And.. the sullens are throwing me a party.
This is home.
Hey.. there is no reason to be nervous.
I am different than you. They might not accept me.
It's like the time with my ex-boyfriend, Sean, invited me to
grandmama's house to celebrate Kwanza.
I want you to meet my family.
- You must be Becca.
I'm Edward's mom, Eden. We've heard so much about you.
Fingerfood?
That's Alex and Rosalyn.
I just know we're gonna be great great friends.
- This is Iris.
-I hope we will be.
- No, she already knows that it will happen.
Some of us have special powers. Iris has visions of the future.
-I'm not on my period
- You will be. It's coming early this month.
Relax, Becca. We're just like any normal American family
Except of course we have no soul and
we walk the earth trying to satisfy
unquenchable thirst for blood.
-I'm Jeremiah.
-He's new to the family.
He's still trying to control his hunger for human.
Look, I dont want to cause any problems. Maybe I should go.
- But you have to open your presents.
Papercut.
You're bleeding.
Yea, really bad. I hit an artery.
Look at your nose.
Yeah I knew I shouldnt have party last night
with Lindsay Lohan.
Every time I bring a girl, you guys try to eat her!
-It's unfair!
- Come on!
Someone here ordered Chinese food?
Quick, they'll be hungry again in half an hour.
What happened back there could never happen again.
I now know as long as I'm around you, you'll never be safe.
That's why I want you to bite me...
and turn me into a vampire.
-No.
- I keep aging and you stay the same.
I'm 18 now. I'm practically a cougar.
I just..
I could'nt live with myself. If I turn you into a vampire.
You're always sexy and healthy and super good looking with tons of free times
and money to travel the world. It's a lot like being George Clooney.
Seriously, the only thing that keeps aging is... your ass.
It's very wrinkly all the time.
You'll never see me again.
Just.. promise me that you won't do anything reckless.
Okay, I promise that I wont date Chris Brown.
Farewell.
Edward.. Edward...
Edward!
So, you're just gonna leave me alone in the wood,
in an areas full of vampire who wanna eat me.
Looks like Edward left us a treat.
Great! Exactly what I was talking about.
Take that!
-I came here to help, you bitch!
- Sorry!
There's no where else to run. Your beloved Edward is not here to save you.
Come on, Jack. Where's the bro codes? Huh?
You know you dont try to eat someone's girlfriend
right after they break up with them?
Kardashians.
Let's go!
I'm gonna have to suck the venom out of you.
Know it, that this will be tough for me
because the taste of your blood could send me into a frenzy
But on the other hand...
- Just do it already!
Okay, Edward, I think you got all the venom out. You can stop now.
And just like that, Edward was gone.
I just.. could'nt get over him. Why did he had to leave me?
[He's not that into You]
[The Girls Guide To: Surviving A Vampire Love Affair]
[Confessions of a batshit : Love Crazed Teen-age girl]
Time pass but my yearning for Edward never subsided
Everyone reminded me of him.
I could'nt get Edward out of my mind.
No matter where I looked,
No matter where I saw,
without Edward, my life is over.. I felt like dying.
And every night I had nightmares that would make me scream
really really loud.
Becca, Becca, Becca
You're so upset. Let me check your level.
Oh, It's not good. You got more worse than the secret life of American teenagers.
You know Honey, I'm not real good at the whole parenting thing,
but I do know that breakups are hard.
especially when you're dumped by someone as handsome and hunky as Edward.
That boy can really fill up a pair of pants.
I mean "Oouuh Look at that~ Look at that~"
Now let's face it, honey, you're no looker, and you twitch a lot
it's kind of irritating.
That's for sure the best piece of ass you'll ever got.
That's my girl.
Oh, Your friend Jennifer keeps calling..
You should hangout with her.
Probably cheer you up. I want you to say good night to your new mommy.
Good Night, Beka, I love you..
I Love you~
She really does.
Well, we're gonna get busy. Good night, sweetheart.
I dont get it. Why would anyone want to do a vampire? Lame~
-Yeah, so lame.
- That one's totally gonna flop.
[The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn]
I cant believe they got married and have a vampire baby.
Owhh, thanks for the spoilers alert dumb shit!
It's too bad Edward dumped you and now you dont have a date for the prom.
Cause that dress would look great on you.
But you dont need a dress. Because Edward left you behind in the forest like bearshit.
So I'm gonna wear it instead! And everyone gonna be like, super-jealous.
Can you just die!?
- No, but you can.
Well, this is me. Where are you parked?
Uhh, over there.
Ouh, right next to those mean and scary biker dudes?
See you at school tomorrow!
Hey baby! Come over here and you can sit on my bike.
Becca, those guys are dangerous. Walk away.
Oh, shit. Those guys are dangerous.
- Told ya.
Wether it was real, or imagine, I knew
that the more I put myself in danger,
the more contact I would have with Edward.
This is your brake, and this is your throttle.
Jacob, There's a.. there's something different about you. I don't know what is!
I've been meaning to tell you.
I'm a mannoberger.
Are you, telling me..
- That's right. I've had my barmitzvah.
Mussletolf!
-So you think...
- I er.. say again. Could'nt hear you.
Yea right, erm..
- What?
Maybe if you stop revving the bike whenever
I'm about to ask something really important, you could hear me.
Great, sorry.
- Thank you.
Becca, I wanted to ask you..
Oh, come on!
Becca would you wanna date with me?
- Sorry, but I feel yelled at, Jacob.
I think I'll just, take her for a spin.
Just one thing first.
You just cut the brakelines.
Becca, stop. You're going to hurt yourselves.
Put down the guitar and stop singing like Taylor Swift.
If this is what it takes to be with you Edward. So be it!
Becca, don't drink that milk. You know you're lactose intolerant.
This is for you, Edward.
Sorry. But I did try to warn you.
Are you trying to get yourself killed?!
You're bleeding. Here!
Your body is so.. furry!?
Are.. Are those tits?
- Yea, several of them actually.
I'll better get you some help.
That was fast.
You are so scrumptous.
No!
Be happy it was me that found you.. and not Rachel.
Why? What happened to Rachel?
She was.. recasted.
She wants to torture you, for what you did to Jack. At least I will eat you fast.
Jacob, run!
-That's it? A Chiuahua?
- Oh yea, I guess so.
-This whole transformation thing is new to me.
- You can't stop me.
-You're no werewolf.
- That's why we always travel in a pack.
-Please~
- Get 'em, girls!
Sign this!
Now, let's get you home.
Why can't Carrie and Big just be together?
There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you.
You look like shit.
-What do you want?
Look, we're all sorry we tried to drink Becca's blood,
even Jermiah. But something terrible has happened to her.
Becca who? I am totally over her.
I've moved on, I'm done with normal chicks.
I've finally found someone as freaky as me.
-Too freaky?
- Edward, I had a vision
Becca was driving a motorcycle..
She tried to kill herself.
I fear Becca maybe dead.
No.. I gotta find out!
How do you feel?
I bet it's Edward, isn't it?
Here.
[ Rebound Guy : Herbal Tea ]
Why did you just take off your shirt?
The contract says I have to,
every 10 minute of screen time.
Look, Edward left you,
but I would never.. do that.
I wanna take it out of the friends zone.
I really like you Becca.
I like you too, when I'm with you...
-I just feel so safe and secure.
-Thanks.
I suppose I always felt with Edward which is all so
passion, lust, complete forbidden fruit stuff.
-I mean with him it's all about my Va-jay-jay
- Okay, yeah.
Do you mind getting that?
- Hello!
-Officer Crane!?
-No, he's not here right now
- Where is he?
It's very important that I speak with him.
" Becca, At the Fisherman Sculley's Funeral.
Roast is in the oven-- weed is in the top drawer! -Love,Dad "
-He's at the funeral
-Oh God, no!
Yea, and supposedly the body was so mangled
that the undertaker had to use ..
crazy glue to stick the hand back on and
put marbles where the eyes once were.
Hello? Hello?
-It's true! Becca's dead!
- Edward, I'm so sorry!
I can't live without her.
Goodbye, Iris. I'm going to kill myself.
I just had another vision about Becca.
Becca's fine, you don't have to kill yourself anymore.
Shit!
What's the matter, Becca?
Still no date for the prom?
Loser!
Here! Have a drink, bitch!
Becca, get in the car. Now!
-What wrong?
- Edward thinks you're dead.
Why would he think that?
Beats me. He won't live without you
and he wants to die.
He's such a romantic.
Becca, don't go. You belong with me.
I need to know who's it gonna be?
Me or him?
I'm not gonna for an answer. I'm not gonna let go.
-You tell me, once and for all.
- Alright! Jacob, I'll tell you
-I choose..
- Cat!
Edward going to the Volturri to have them kill him.
I saw it, I had a vision.
I had a vision. . - What do you talking about?
-What are you talking about? Who are the Volturri
- They're the evil bloodsucker..
who only care about themselves and
their own mirror vision of the world.
-They're kind of like "Fox News ".
- Oh my God!
Edward's going to expose himself in the sun
and the Volturri are going to kill him!
They cannot allow human to know vampires are among them.
-It could destroy us. - Okay, where is this going to happen?
At the prom. The Volturri never miss a good Salvadore festival.
This all the way in Italy. Say what you want about them,
but they do know how to party
Welcome Sporks High students to the two thousand and ten prom.
And don't forget the main event coming up shortly.
The crowning, of your prom king and queen!
And if you havent had the chance to vote yet,
dont worry there's still time.
Just to be sure!
Becca, you're the only one that can stop Edward.
You have to show him..
-You're still alive.
- I'll do whatever it takes.
So..
what would you do to save someone you love?
For Edward, I would stop at nothing.
Well, you already saw this part,
so let's get to what happens next.
No!
Shit!
Edward, it.. it's not sunny anymore.
It's.. twlight.
Hey, new moon.
Eclipse!?
Look at me, everyone! This is me, in all my glory.
Oh, lucky penny!
You're alive?
We have to go now!
I'm so sorry. I promise you that I will never leave you again!
-The Zolturri are standing right behind me? Arent they?
- Yep.
-Don't worry Becca..
- Not talking smack now, are we?
-Stop it.
-Stop it.
-You're killing him.
-You're killing him.
-And we haven't even have sex yet.
-And we haven't even have sex yet..
Really? Even?
-Dad!
- There you are.
I was worried about my little girl. There's still a killer on the loose.
But I can see you're dancing with your friends.
So everything's alright.
Dad, no! You have to know the truth.
All the killings was done by vampires.
Edward's one also. And Bobby is a werewolf.
-I understand..
- Thank God.
the theme of the prom!
-No, Dad..
- Enjoy, okay.
Good bye, oh wait..
Thanks for everything ...
Too Close. Separate, arms length apart.
Too Close.. seperate. Arms length apart!
Too Close! Seperate! Arms length apart!
Tell cheese!~
Tell cheese!~
What.. the hell?
"Dear Edward, I'm going to kill you! Have a great Summer!
-Love Always, Daro"
Where's Becca?!
Surrender, now~ Or Salvator will snap the neck like a Slim Jim.
You must pay for exposing yourself.
Tell you what I'm going to do, Ed?
I won't kill you, but.. Becca has to become a vampire.
-Cool?~
-Not cool!
-No way! Never!
- Alright~ Pull Edward's head off then..
rip his body part and set him on fire.
- No! no.. no! I mean, Yes! I meant yes!
Of course, she would love to become a vampire
she practically brings it up all the time. Right, honey?
-I guess so
- Then, bite her now! Bite!
Listen up people! May I have your attention!
And now the moment you've all been waiting for..
and this year Sporks High prom king and prom queen is..
Jennifer, and Rick!
Congratulations!
Hold on. It seems you two received over 69 000 votes..
in a class that have only 300.
I'm afraid you're disqualified.
You! Asswipe! My life is over!
As your principal, I will nominate
a new prom king and queen.
-Us?..
-Yes, because you two examplifies what's best..
about this whole prom. I mean you really look like
a couple of mean, evil bloodsucking vampire
Oh my God! We won!
Do it! Bite me now!
I don't want to wait a second longer.
I'll only turn you into a vampire..
on one condition..
Marry me.
Yes.
[ Insert Fangs Here ]
-How you feel?
- Perfect!
-It's what I've always imagined.
- I Love You, Bek..
Team Jacob! Bitch!