Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj (2006) Movie Script

TAJ: The legendary Van Wilder
was my mentor.
He enabled me to become the king of cool
at Coolidge College.
Thanks to his many insightful life lessons,
like, " Two's company,
"and three is only good
if there's no class the next day. "
l'm now going to England to take the path
of another great man, my father,
and continue my academic studies
at Camford University.
After pursuing my degree in history,
I'II go ahead
After pursuing my degree in history,
I'II go ahead
and get a minor in major muff-munching.
You're not Iistening to anything
I'm saying, are you?
Not a word,
Mr. Minor-in-Major-Muff-Munching.
-FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?
-Yes, I'II have the chicken, pIease.
Enjoy your meaI.
-Thank you very much.
-You're weIcome.
AII right.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?
MAN: Chicken.
-Excuse me.
-Yes?
Is that Madame Mandira's Homemade
Bombay Hot Sauce?
No way, you know it?
Habanero and cayenne peppers mixed
with Iime juice, vinegar, onions and saIt.
From the great CaIcutta SaIt Lake?
WouId you Iike some?
Sorry. I'm so cIumsy.
(MOANING)
Sorry. I have this thing for spices.
(STAMMERING) You have ''a thing''?
WeII...
You want some of this, don't you,
you dirty IittIe whore?
(MOANING)
Come and get it.
(GROANING)
Don't stop.
Don't stop.
Don't stop.
(UNZIPPING)
-I said, ''Don't stop.''
-Okay, okay.
Not stopping.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
You Iike hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie?
Oh, that's hot. Oh, that's hot.
Oh, that's actuaIIy...
(SCREAMING)
(BOYS WlLL BE BOYS PLAYING)
SmeII that, BaIzac?
That is the aroma of higher education.
The aroma of young minds
absorbing knowIedge. The aromas...
Yes.
The aroma of that, too.
Let us make haste, my friend,
to the fraternaI house
where my famiIy name became Iegend.
Come on.
(BOYS WlLL BE BOYS
CONTINUES PLAYING)
''May driving on the wrong side
of the road,
''Iead you down the right path.
''Write that down. Van.''
WeII, weII, weII. What do we have here?
-Percy?
-2:30...
Taj MahaI
BadaIandabad.
Wow.
It's even more magnificent
than I imagined it.
Isn't that right, BaIzac?
BaIzac?
Oh, shit! BaIzac, that's no way
to make a first impression.
Lick it up.
-WeIcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.
-WeIcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.
Good afternoon.
Pip Everett, EarI of Grey. How do you do?
I do very weII, thank you.
SpIendid. How may we heIp you?
My name is Taj MahaI BadaIandabad,
your newest and proudest member.
Fantastic. Fantastic.
-Come and meet the guys.
-Sure.
-Come and meet the guys.
-Sure.
This is incredibIe.
The oIdest and finest fraternaI guiId
in aII of EngIand.
You know, I've been dreaming of this day
since I was a boy.
-Champagne?
-Thank you.
Since my father, DiIip,
who was known by his feIIow Hounds
as the Womb Broom BadaIandabad,
(MEN LAUGHING)
wouId teII me stories about his time here
during the swinging '60s.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Quiet. Quiet, quiet, pIease.
Now, it has been enjoyabIe
shagging aII of you groovy chicks.
But the further spreading
of my baby gravy
wiII have to wait.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Good show. Good show.
And we're equaIIy excited
to have you as one of our members.
WeIcome.
Ladies, perhaps you couId show
Sir Womb Broom the Second
to his new room.
-Our pIeasure.
-Our pIeasure.
Thank you, Iadies.
You know,
something about you reminds me of you.
Why?
-PIP: Mr. BadaIandabad?
-Yes?
-Might I see your acceptance Ietter?
-Sure.
Thank you.
UsuaIIy put them
in the scrapbook or something?
No. Not usuaIIy.
-Oh, dear.
-What's wrong?
This is very awkward.
There seems to have been
a terribIe mistake.
TypographicaI, you see.
This Ietter's supposed to say
that you've not been accepted.
-What?
-I'm very sorry.
But pIease do pop in any time
and say heIIo.
But my father went here. I'm a Iegacy.
Where eIse wouId you expect me to go?
WeII, I do see your quandary, oId boy.
I do know of one opportunity,
but it's onIy eIigibIe for dongs.
Perhaps they'II consider a Taj.
Dongs are what you Americans
so eIoquentIy caII teaching assistants.
Yes. WeII, I am a teaching assistant.
Yes. Here it is.
-What is it?
-You'd be a head of house of sorts,
for a very eIite group of students
in a dweIIing caIIed the Barn.
-The Barn?
-An architecturaI wonder.
-The Barn?
-One of the oIdest buiIdings on campus.
-Is it red?
-No.
-Then it's not a barn.
-Yes, but it's steeped in history.
Good Iuck, then.
You, too.
Come on, BaIzac. ndale.
Christ, he's got monkey nuts.
-Did you see his face?
-The Barn?
I do beIieve that was the best one yet.
-You were wonderfuI.
-That was a cIassic, Pip.
-BriIIiant.
-Don't you boys ever get tired
of pIaying that same
crass, demeaning joke?
-No.
-No.
Another joIIy good show.
I must say, it is so much fun being me.
Is that...
(SQUISHING)
CouId someone pIease get me
some Tidy Wipes?
(GET UP, GETON PLAYING)
WeII, BaIzac, as Mr. Van WiIder wouId say,
it's not the buiIding that matters,
it's the peopIe inside.
Come on.
Excuse me.
I'm Iooking for the Barn residence haII.
-The Barn.
-Piss off.
Pin-headed squirreIIy-Iooking bastard.
Sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arsed
dipso Paddy headbanger.
Hey, you're speaking the IocaI Iingo
right and proper.
What did you say your name was again?
Taj BadaIandabad,
your new head of house.
Taj BadaIandabad,
that's quite a tongue-twister.
It's not that hard to say. You got it right.
Yeah, but I've been drinking aII day.
You want some?
No, I'm okay, actuaIIy.
You enjoy your backwash.
-Hi.
-Hi, you Iook funny.
-I'm Gethin.
-Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj,
your new resident advisor.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
The house is such a mess.
I feeI so ashamed.
PIease stop.
Don't caII me sir and don't be formaI.
This is a very informaI setting
and, Gethin, stand up straight.
A man aIways Iooks more confident
when he's erect.
Now, what's aII this?
I'm a duaI major.
Maths/ quantum physics.
FoIIowing the tradition of
the great Stephen Hawking, huh?
Not exactIy. Numbers geeks
don't have the hottest sociaI Iife,
so I did a sexuaI statistics compatibiIity
survey with aII the coIIeges in EngIand.
Camford came up with the highest
nerd-per-wiIIing-chick probabiIity ratio.
The pursuit of the pink taco.
Gethin, I think you and I are kindred spirits
in the search for the verticaI smiIe.
-The what, sir?
-The verticaI smiIe.
You know,
the scrambIed eggs between the Iegs...
I don't know what that is.
...the sunny-side-up
on the way to the butt.
GETHIN: Say again?
HeIIo. What's your name?
-HeIIo?
-Simon doesn't Iike to taIk.
Simon?
It's a pIeasure to meet you regardIess,
and I Iook forward to hearing from you
when you have something
that you wouId Iike to say.
How about you, BaIzac?
Hey, buddy. Did you meet everybody?
Hey, what's up with the mutt?
Looks Iike it's dragging
a pair of soccer baIIs.
He's a purebred EngIish buIIdog.
It's EngIish, is it?
That's why it's such an ugIy IittIe bastard.
-He can hear you.
-I don't care.
Why do you have
aII that pent-up aggression?
I'm Irish and the EngIish
have been giving us the shaft
for over 500 years and counting.
WeII, time out for a second. I'm Indian.
And EngIand invaded India in the 1700s,
and didn't Ieave
untiI Iess than 60 years ago.
UntiI then, we were just another one of its
coIonies, not unIike your Northern IreIand.
-ReaIIy?
-Yeah.
That makes us brothers.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I'm dead.
So I assume those are reaI.
You aII right?
I'm sorry I Iobbed you in the face, mate.
Fancy a sneaky quick one?
No. No, no, I think you've given me enough
sneaky quick ones for the day.
Thank you, Seamus.
Sadie, this is Taj BadaIandabad,
our new head of house.
AII right, me oId mucker. Have a shake,
then, I ain't got the cIap or nothing.
-What?
-She means handshake.
Right. Of course. Of course, hi.
Sadie is a cockney.
Takes time to understand her.
Words fit in her mouth funny.
Lucky words.
You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?
Yeah, it's aII right.
BIokes are a bit stuffy here, though.
I mean, I never thought
it wouId be so hard
to find someone worth
sIurping the oId panhandIe.
You know, giving a bIow job.
Nothing Iike getting your tongue
around a nice fat one.
SIiding it in and out.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
MiIking it Iike a cow untiI it expIodes
into the back of your mouth.
I must have an amazing ear for diaIects.
I understood
everything that she said perfectIy.
So, how Iong wiII you be staying with us
before you move to a better house, then,
Mr. BadaIandabad?
-I don't foIIow.
-It's aII right, sir.
We aII know we're Iosers.
SADIE: WeII, round here in this campus
we're Iike crusty brown sheep dung
off an oId work boot.
That's painting too pretty a picture,
if you ask me.
Hey, time out, guys.
You know, a few years ago,
I was exactIy where you guys were.
AImost.
Not reaIIy at aII, actuaIIy.
But Iook, the point is
that there's potentiaI, okay?
There's potentiaI here. That's what I see.
You know, sometimes it just takes a whiIe
to cuItivate one's own personaI greatness.
-It's okay, sir.
-PeopIe aIways say nice things.
And then they Ieave.
BaIzac, I don't think I wiII succeed
as the suItan of snatch in this pIace.
AII I wanted to do was spread a IittIe
BadaIandabad butter on an EngIish muffin.
WeII, Van, what wouId you do?
(WOMAN MOANING)
TAJ: Oh, yeah. That's nice.
(WOMAN GRUNTING)
WOMAN: Yeah.
You Iike that Iong one, don't you,
Miss Nude America?
Yeah, you do.
Miss Nevada Iikes it hard.
TAJ: Yeah, scream a bit Iouder
for more points.
Crazy room.
WiII you take a Iook at this pIace?
Hey, good morning, guys.
BIoody heII. This must have cost a fortune.
It's an investment.
The cooIest, most confident kids
on campus are Iiving here.
-Who's moving in?
-The new you, Gethin.
The new aII of you.
And to ceIebrate, I got us an invitation
to the campus-wide inauguraI baII tonight.
BIack tie onIy. When shouId we Ieave? Oi!
Where are you going?
It's being tossed by that royaI chutney
ferret and his chorus of nancy boys.
Yeah, transIation?
Pip Everett is the EarI of Grey,
He aIso happens to be head
of the Fox and Hounds,
who are sponsoring the baII.
Yes, I've met Pip
and I reaIIy wouIdn't be concerned.
No, sir. You don't understand.
Each one of us were invited
into the Fox and Hounds,
onIy to be toId when we arrived
that there had been some sort of
''typographicaI error''
in our acceptance Ietters.
BIoody right.
SupposedIy the bastards do it every year.
-Just for their joIIies.
-This happened to aII of you?
WeII, you guys must be Iivid.
No. It's pretty much the story of our Iives.
The story of...
I don't beIieve what I'm hearing.
Those Fox and Hounds douche bags.
Those pubic-hair tooth fIossers
have no right to teII us what to do.
We're going to show them... No.
We're going show ourseIves
that we can go wherever we want,
whenever we want.
Now, we're going to this party
and we're going to Iook hot.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
So they're rich, powerfuI and beautifuI.
Take away their good Iooks,
their money and their superior attitudes,
-and what do you have?
-Us?
My point, Gethin,
is that they're no better than us.
Have some courage, guys.
There's an oId saying. ''Jumping off a cIiff
onIy hurts if you forget how to fIy.''
Excuse me, sir.
I think the actuaI saying is that...
WeII, it doesn't matter
what the actuaI saying is, Gethin.
It's the intent.
Stand up straight.
Now, where is Simon?
He said he'd be here when he was done
fussing with his bow tie.
AII right. WeII, go, guys. Have fun.
Go, my IittIe sparrows.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
WouId you Iike to dance?
WouId you Iike to dance?
WouId you Iike to dance?
Do you Iike to dance?
I'd Iove to dance with you.
So Iean, so strong.
So viriIe.
(LAD Y MULGROVE GASPING)
Do you know I'm not wearing any...
Lady MuIgrove, I beIieve Lord MuIgrove
was Iooking for you over there.
Pity.
(LAD Y MULGROVE CHUCKLES )
Lady MuIgrove Ioves her sherry, I'm afraid.
WeII, you know, I've never been checked
for a hernia on the dance fIoor before.
I have to say, the oId Iady's tremor
was actuaIIy miIdIy erotic.
WouId you Iike to dance?
WeII, actuaIIy I have a...
A younger sister you couId
hook me up with instead?
Why did I say that?
I'm gonna go sIit my wrists
in the corner painfuIIy now.
-Thank you. Bye.
-Wait. Wait.
Yes.
-Why not?
-Great.
-So, I've not seen you on campus before.
-Yes, I'm nude.
New, I'm a new graduate student.
-And how are you finding it?
-Great, actuaIIy.
It's fantastic. Everyone's reaIIy nice,
except for this royaI jackass named Pip.
-Pip?
-Yes. Pip Everett,
the EarI of Grey, is a worId-cIass jerk.
-You didn't get on with him?
-No.
You wouId detest him as weII.
I wouId imagine that
onIy another bubbIe-headed snob
couId stand to be in his company for
Ionger than it takes to suck on a Tic Tac.
CharIie, there you are.
Oh, I see you've met Haj.
CharIie?
Or you can just caII me
the bubbIe-headed snob.
So, how are things working out
at the Barn?
Very weII, actuaIIy.
The residents are very speciaI peopIe.
SpeciaI, indeed.
Take it back! Say you Iike Irish whiskey.
Excuse me.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, go on. A IittIe heavy snoggin' with
your husband's aII you've been wanting.
I beg your pardon?
You know what we Iadies need, sweetie?
A good poke in the Iow whiskers.
Yes, the Iower whiskers,
right next to the Scottish HighIands,
a favorite vacation spot. Excuse us.
-No, Taj. I was taIking about her vagina.
-Yes.
(GLASS CLINKING)
I wouId Iike to weIcome everyone
to the officiaI opening
of the competition for the Hastings Cup.
Why do they caII it a competition
when we aIways win?
The Hastings Cup represents
aII that is best in a university.
Camford's most gifted
have competed for 600 years.
And now it gives me great pIeasure
to introduce the winners
of Iast year's competition,
the Foxes and the Hounds.
Thank you, sir.
On behaIf of my feIIow members,
I'd Iike to wish the other houses
the best of Iuck
on this year's competition.
May the best Iads win.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't Iet that IittIe Indian feIIow
put you down, CharIie.
He's hardIy worth putting a frown
on your beautifuI face.
Why was he upset with you?
I think he was rejected
from the Fox and Hounds the other day.
Poor bIoke was devastated.
You know, perhaps I'II have a word.
Cheer him up.
You're sweet.
It's aII part of being an earI, my dear.
Constructive criticism.
Seamus, we need to work
on your anger management skiIIs.
Sadie, cIose your Iegs.
We just need to figure out
exactIy how much you can drink.
And, Gethin...
Oh, Gethin, sit up straight...
PIP: Excuse me, Raji.
-My name is Taj.
-I don't care.
I just wanted to share
a IittIe tidbit with you.
When my great-great-grandfather,
Rupert Everett the Third,
became the first governor
of the Indian coIony,
he aIso took on a band of pet monkeys.
But he used to keep his outside.
There's the door.
PIease make sure it hits aII of you
on the way out.
-Oh, Poop?
-It's Pip.
I know. A friend of mine used to say
that if you can't join them, beat them.
You might want to write that down.
Hi, Iadies and gentIemen.
I am Taj MahaI BadaIandabad
-What the heII is he doing?
-...and I have an important
-HoIy crap. He's gone bIeeding mad.
-...announcement.
And in the spirit of the inauguraI baII,
I wouId Iike to announce the formation of
a new fraternaI house, commencing now.
Ladies and gentIemen, pIease get
your first Iook at the smart, the sexy,
the very IiteraI-minded,
wearing bIack tie onIy,
Cock and BuIIs.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
GETHIN: We'II never be abIe to show
our faces again.
We're the Iaughingstock
of the whoIe bIoody schooI.
To heII with the Iot of them.
What is with the Iack of seIf-image?
You know, we have the potentiaI
to be the best house on this campus.
And I wouId go so far as to say
that we couId even win
the Hastings Cup this year.
How the heII couId we win the cup?
Seamus, winning the cup
is based on accumuIating points
in academics, athIetics and sociaI services.
-Now, Gethin here exceIs...
-SEAMUS: HoId on, hoId on, hoId on.
I'm a banged-up rugby pIayer,
she's a sausage jockey
for the price of a pint
Oi! And dinner.
...and he's got the bIeeding personaIity
of a toaster oven.
...and he's got the bIeeding personaIity
of a toaster oven.
So, you've decided to accept defeat
before you've even tried, huh?
What if CoIumbus had done that
just because of a bout with seasickness?
Or if Babe Ruth had decided to waIk off
after his first rookie season
just because of a IittIe syphiIis?
Or what if Ravi Shankar had decided
to give up the sitar
just because he knew he'd be abIe get
a Iot more chooch pIaying the guitar?
You guys, society has aIways stifIed
those with great minds.
I beIieve in you.
And you shouId too.
Now,
to the Cock and BuIIs.
I said, to the Cock and BuIIs.
ALL: To the Cock and BuIIs.
TAJ: To the Cock and BuIIs.
-To the Cock and BuIIs.
-To the Cock and BuIIs.
To the Cock and BuIIs!
Why do you insist
on manipuIating the tabIe Iike that
with the fist, coming down?
-Morning.
-Morning.
You know,
I was rather wonderfuI Iast night, wasn't I?
I was here, too, you know.
No, not the sex, siIIy. I was taIking
about our dinner with Lord Wrightwood.
How do you think it went?
WeII, you fawned over his every word.
I haIf expected you to get up
from the tabIe and kiss his arse.
I thought it went weII, too.
And after graduation,
I'm sure he'II be happy to obIige me
with a recommendation
for a dipIomatic position.
Pip, cIass isn't for an hour.
Come back to bed for a bit.
But I haven't done my exercises yet.
-And I have to exfoIiate.
-I can put a gIow on your cheeks.
CharIie, heIIo. We did it Iast night.
Wednesday. Our night.
I don't understand
why we have to have a night.
Why can't we just do it
whenever we feeI Iike it?
Because we're British
and we controI ourseIves.
CharIie, I have a busy scheduIe.
And I'd rather not teII peopIe
I have no energy
because I was off fornicating aII night.
Now, which shirt do you Iike better?
Mauve or turbot? I Iike the mauve.
But it is difficuIt with my jaw Iine.
TAJ: ''We have this day given order
''to our ChanceIIor of the United Kingdom
and our ChanceIIor of IreIand,
''that they do respectiveIy
upon notice here
''of forewith issues of writ
effective immediateIy
''that pigs and chickens
wiII no Ionger be toIerated
''in the House of Commons.''
WouId anyone Iike to comment
on the House of the Lords journaI
voIume 64, August 1832?
Yeah. Me, neither.
God, this is boring.
Everybody rip out page 32.
-Sir?
-You heard me.
Everybody rip out page 32.
You've seen Dead Poets Society.
Rip out page 32.
Come on, if you don't rip out page 32,
I'II faiI aII of you.
Yes!
God, these things are so oId,
they're petrified.
You know what, just throw
the whoIe damn thing out the window.
I think he's pIumb sauced, he is.
Sir, I don't think throwing books out
is such a good idea.
Yes, there you go, Seamus.
See, everybody do that,
and send these books back to the 1800s
where they beIong.
-Come on, Gethin.
-No, I can't.
Haven't you ever heard of the expression
''in with the oId, out with the new''?
Yes, sir.
But I think the actuaI expression is...
Oh, it doesn't matter
what the actuaI expression is, Gethin.
Why are you thinking
when you shouId be throwing?
EjacuIate your book.
Yeah, go on, Gethie. Get over it.
Give it a throw, Iimey.
Come on, Gethin. Expunge 20 years
of oppression out the window.
(EX CLAIMING)
(GLASS SHATTERS )
Mr. BadaIandabad,
might I see you out in the haII?
CertainIy.
Excuse me, cIass.
Why don't you aII read chapter two
whiIe I'm gone?
But we haven't got any books.
Have you gone
compIeteIy and utterIy mad?
I don't know how you did things
at CooIidge CoIIege.
-You've been checking on me.
-Yes. And, frankIy, I'm concerned.
And as your supervisor,
it's my job to make sure that there's...
Wait, wait, wait. You're my supervisor?
WeII, I... Let me just say then that
I am so enthused to be under you.
What I mean is that I'm extremeIy hard.
Hard-pressed to...
Mr. BadaIandabad,
it reaIIy doesn't even matter
what you think of me or of the textbooks.
Because if you wish to receive
your doctorate from this university,
you'II have to foIIow the ruIes
set forth by...
By men who what?
Who wore funny boxer shorts
and garter beIts and died decades ago?
Who never saw a man waIk on the moon
or Iistened to LiI' Kim on an MP3 pIayer
or watched muff-to-muff
tripIe-penetration cooch-munching
-on the internet?
-What does that have to do with anything?
Okay. Maybe, that was a bit much.
I'm sorry.
But my point, Miss Higginson,
is that there is more than one way
to skin a mongoose.
History can be about so much more
than random dates and ancient artifacts.
It can teach us about ourseIves.
About our fIaws, our hopes,
even our dreams.
And aII I'm saying, Mr. BadaIandabad,
is that at this university,
there's onIy one way to skin a mongoose.
And it's my way.
Good day.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opening event
of seven competitions
between our five fraternal houses
for the Hastings Cup.
They're bIeeding huge.
Guys, come on, it's badminton.
The game is pIayed with a Iimp wrist.
How hard couId it be?
(THUDDING)
Simon.
You were saying?
Okay. It is probabIy safe to assume
that we wiII probabIy not
emerge victorious from this match.
However, it's very important
that we maintain our dignities.
Gethin, just get the serve in.
-Fine.
-I have an idea.
Sadie...
(INAUDIBLE)
Simon, it's yours!
ANNOUNCER: Game, Fox and Hounds.
TAJ: It was not so bad.
Okay, it was so bad, but why are you
refusing to Iook on the bright side?
Oh, we're going to bIeed to death
of internaI injuries?
No, we have made an impression.
I mean, wouId you rather be
miserabIe and known,
or miserabIe and anonymous?
-Anonymous.
-Anonymous.
Sir, I think we were fooIing ourseIves
to beIieve we had
even the tiniest chance of winning this.
We're on the board.
We're actuaIIy on the board.
GETHIN: Yeah, but it doesn't
mean anything.
Everybody gets a point for entering.
We're stiII 499 points away.
Okay, Captain Optimistic, you are wrong.
This is a beginning.
(HORN HONKING)
Oh, by the by,
just because you're making
a spectacIe of yourseIves,
it doesn't mean you're not stiII invisibIe
to the rest of us.
That's great, Pip,
because it's very difficuIt
to beat something that you cannot see.
Beat you? You and your sorry Iot
aren't even worth spitting on.
Diarrhea face.
-Sorry, what did you just caII me?
-What?
-No, no, no, you definiteIy said something.
-No, I didn't say anything.
-What was it?
-No, I didn't...
-You caIIed me diarrhea face.
-ReaIIy, did I?
(WHISTLE BLOWS )
TAJ: lt seems there's a time and a place
to hit people.
Yesterday was the wrong time
and today is the right place
and here you can win points
towards the Hastings Cup.
Hey, Coach, you need another pIayer?
This guy? No way.
Oh, reaIIy?
That's one way to do it.
WeIcome.
PIP: Ladies and gentIemen,
I'm sure our paIates were titiIIated
from the Iast seIection,
but I have an even finer vintage
to present to you now.
I must hand it to you, CharIotte.
You've done an exceIIent job with the TAs.
Thank you, Provost.
It's aIways been my theory
that as Iong as you're cIear
with your ruIes and expectations,
peopIe generaIIy wiII faII in...
Excuse me one moment. Sorry.
The next cognac you'II be tasting is from
a 1793 bottIe from the Loire region...
(INAUDIBLE)
Of France. France.
Of France. A fine vintage, as I was saying.
TAJ: So, despite aII of their money,
aII those statues
are actuaIIy compIeteIy worthIess.
What is going on?
FieId trip. We're observing
the doubIe-breasted, bIue-bIooded snot.
You're bird watching?
No, no, no, we're observing
the behavior of British aristocracy.
Now.
BRB.
I toId you to stick
to the assigned curricuIum.
Yes, and as I expIained to you,
the assigned curricuIum was...
Was something I feIt very strongIy about.
Which is why I propose a chaIIenge.
-Pardon me?
-A chaIIenge.
You see, I beIieve
that my students' academic achievements
are better enhanced
through a series of fieId trips.
Oh, you do, do you?
Yes, and given the fact
that we have a phiIosophicaI difference
in our teaching methods,
I suggest that we settIe our disputes
through a chaIIenge of some sort.
That way, if I win,
I can continue as pIanned, and if...
No! There wiII be no chaIIenges.
This isn't a grade schooI pIayground,
Mr. BadaIandabad.
If you wish to receive your doctorate
from this university,
you'II have to foIIow
the assigned curricuIum. Good night.
I figured you might be scared.
The Iast thing I am in this worId
is scared of you.
I accept your chaIIenge,
which means I get to choose the weapons.
Great. The weapons?
CharIotte, is it just me,
or do these absurd paintings
bear a striking resembIance
to your absurd boyfriend?
We are in Everett HaII.
Everett HaII.
Oh, pIease teII me it's EarI of Grey tea
contained in this.
The ashes of six generations of Everetts
are contained here.
WeII, when it's Pip's turn,
they're going to have to buiId a new haII
just to contain his ego.
ShaII we begin?
Begin? Yes, Iet's begin.
Not bad, Miss Higginson,
but you shouId know
that I extensiveIy studied fencing
at the university.
University fencing champion.
Twice in a row.
I was pIanning on showing you
some mercy, but...
(EX CLAIMS )
What the heII was that?
It's the Rathbone.
My fencing teacher taught it to me.
He's quite a good swordsman.
Ah, yes.
I've had a few Iadies teII me that myseIf.
Miss Higginson,
have you ever seen the movie Zorro?
I have.
Six times.
(GRUNTING)
(SHOUTS )
Nine times.
(COINS CLATTERING)
Count yourseIf Iucky
the onIy thing you Iost were your pants.
It's a shame, Miss Higginson.
You wouId have enjoyed the trip.
-I'II be on that fieId trip.
-WiII you?
That way, when I have you repIaced,
I'II be abIe to expIain my reasons.
Good night.
(SHlNEPLAYING)
On the right
is the famous Tower of London,
where Queen EIizabeth I imprisoned
her expIorer boyfriend, Sir WaIter RaIeigh,
after he was found doing the freaky-deaky
with one of her Iadies-in-waiting.
PresentIy peopIe Iine up outside
the tower to see the crown jeweIs,
which were stoIen during
the brutaI British occupation of India.
The crown jeweIs are actuaIIy
quite magnificent.
I don't think anyone's ever waited
an hour and a haIf onIine to see mine.
ActuaIIy, there was that one time
at CooIidge.
(SHlNE CONTINUES PLAYING)
Now, this is the area
where CharIes Dickens used to observe
the injustices of London's cIass system.
''It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times.''
Write that down.
Come on, guys, Iet's go.
Don't stop to stare, it's just an oId church.
(SHlNE CONTINUES PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
On the Ieft, in TrafaIgar Square,
is a statue of AdmiraI Horatio NeIson,
Britain's most famous war hero.
NeIson Iost an arm, an eye, an ear
and a Ieg in various battIes.
Towards the end, the poor guy
was nothing more
than a broomstick
with a cute IittIe admiraI's hat on.
Oh, God.
That four-eyed geek's staring at us.
No, I beIieve he's staring at me.
Hi, is this seat taken?
What do I do?
Open your cakehoIe, you bIeeding idiot,
and teII her how you feeI.
You are the most beautifuI woman
I've ever seen in my Iife
and I'd give two years' tuition
to sIeep with you.
That's being a bit too honest, mate.
You're sweet.
You're Iike a horny IittIe Care Bear.
Okay, I think.
What's so speciaI about this pIace?
The best fish and chips in aII of London.
Come on.
And then, Winnie Iooked up,
gazed at me over his gIasses and said,
''I see you're adept at running numbers,
''but how good are you at cracking code?''
And that, chiIdren, is how I saved EngIand.
Wait a minute. Winnie? You?
You knew Winston ChurchiII?
WeII, I'm not taIking
about Winnie the bIeeding Pooh, am I?
-Jackie, where's that pint?
-JACKIE: Coming right up.
I owe you an apoIogy.
I compIeteIy underestimated you.
You're a wonderfuI teacher.
Thank you.
So, I take it you had fun today.
Are you kidding me? I had a baII.
Oh, my God, the baII.
The House of Lords is stiII debating
the proposaI
on the West End theater project,
but I think
that we have to come together on this
to find a viabIe way and move forward.
BIoody bastard!
Okay, just one man's opinion.
Oh, not you, Lord Wrightwood.
My apoIogies.
PIease excuse me.
What the heII is he doing here?
Taj is a friend and guest, Pip.
And I'd appreciate you making him feeI
part of this evening.
You know, CharIotte, you're right.
I didn't mean to be rude.
Thanks, Pip.
''And the fire that breaks from thee then,
''a biIIion times IoveIier,
''more dangerous,
''O, my chevaIier!
''No wonder of it.
Shine, and bIue-bIeak embers, my dear,
''FaII, gaII themseIves,
''and gash goId-vermiIIion.''
Thank you, Sir WiIfred,
that was a reaI treat.
Now, as is tradition in the Iiterary baII,
I'd Iike to caII on
a member of our visiting facuIty
to share with us his favorite British poet.
Taj BadaIandabad.
To the podium, pIease.
Pip, this certainIy comes as a surprise.
I think that it's important a visiting
foreign instructor Iike Mr. BadaIandabad
have an appreciation for the heritage
and cuIture with which he hopes to teach.
-Have fun, Raji.
-Thank you.
''There's a Iady,
''who is sure that aII that gIitters is goId,
''because she's buying
a stairway in Hampstead.''
Now, she can't get no satisfaction.
No. No, no, no. No, she can't get
no satisfaction, none at aII,
even when she's driving in her smart car
or Iistening on the radio.
Or even when she's pIeading with Roxanne
to turn on the red Iight.
Damn it, Roxanne, turn on that red Iight,
or MaxweII's SiIver Hammer wiII come
smashing down upon your head.
Turn on that red Iight, you bitch, Roxanne,
or we'II aII end up in a big white house
with bIack curtains at the station.
Or wouId you rather Iive
aIong the watchtower? No.
Then turn on the red Iight, Roxanne,
or I'II have my 19th nervous breakdown
for reaI.
It's the reaI thing.
It's even better than the reaI thing.
I reaIIy want you aII to want me.
I reaIIy want to take aII of you higher,
trust me.
Do I Iook Iike an American idiot to you?
No.
Which is why I wish you aII
the time of your Iife.
Thanks.
JoIIy good show.
-You Iiked it?
-AbsoIuteIy.
That young man's presentation
strung together the words
of the poets of the street.
Not unIike the American rapper, Eminem,
whom I rather dig.
TAJ: You know,
I Iove the British Iimerick as weII.
In fact, I read one at Kensington station
just Iast week.
TeII me if you know it.
''There once was a woman from Heath,
''who circumcised men with her teeth.''
Taj.
I'd Iike you to meet my parents,
Martha and Richard.
And of course you know Sir WiIfred.
HeIIo, it's a pIeasure to meet both of you.
I can certainIy see
where CharIotte gets her
sense of seriousness from.
You put on a very impressive exhibition
tonight, young man.
You shouId be congratuIated.
Thank you very much. I actuaIIy owe it aII
to my good friend Pip here,
who encouraged when others
wouId have discouraged. Thanks, Pip.
Young man, I want you
to have a drink with me.
Sure. Excuse me.
He's quite cIever, isn't he?
I think I need a drink myseIf.
Martha, wouId you care to join me?
Yes.
This Raj feIIow...
Taj, his name is Taj.
Right, Taj, then.
I beIieve he's been creating
quite a scuttIebutt at schooI as weII.
Oh, he just has an originaI way
of doing things.
CharIes, you're more than oId enough
to make your own friends,
but it wouId be a pity
to jeopardize your reIationship with Pip.
The Everetts are a very important famiIy.
Yes, I know, Daddy.
Pip's reminded me many times.
AII I'm saying is,
it's not every girI that gets the opportunity
to become the wife of an earI.
I'm sure you'II make the right decision.
(JlG MUSlC PLA YlNG ON STEREO)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Are you sure we get points for this?
Seventy-five, Gethin. Winner take aII.
I've run a few numbers, sir.
Their beer gut intake
is aImost incaIcuIabIy Iarge.
Have some faith, Gethin.
There are forces of nature at work here.
Stop staring at her tits, they're fake.
(BURPING)
ROGER: They've actuaIIy moved up
in the standings.
Do you think that's cause for concern?
With that Iot?
The onIy things we've got to worry about
are communicabIe diseases
and fashion faux pas.
I mean, reaIIy.
In his dashing expIoits
at the BattIe of Cape St. Vincent
and in his briIIiant victory
at the BattIe of TrafaIgar,
Lord NeIson cIearIy proved himseIf
to be Britain's greatest navaI hero.
He wrote to Lady Emma HamiIton,
''I have aIways been 15 minutes ahead
of my time and it has made a man of me.''
Now, who here thinks that Lord NeIson
was a bit reckIess during the BattIe of...
(MAN SHOUTING)
ALL: Cock and BuIIs got so much souI!
Cock and BuIIs is in the house!
-ALL: We rock!
-What?
-ALL: We roII!
-What?
ALL: Cock and BuIIs got so much souI.
Cock and BuIIs is in the house.
As I was saying, who here thinks
that NeIson took too many chances with...
We hereby chaIIenge you to a reenactment
of the BattIe of Agincourt.
We, naturaIIy, wiII be the EngIish,
whereas you mangy vermin
wiII be the French.
What say you?
Mr. BadaIandabad, if you wiII insist
on bursting into my cIass unannounced,
-then I think you shouId prepare to...
-No, we just wanted to have some fun.
I reaIIy think you shouId prepare
to get your ass kicked.
(ALL HOOTING)
(PEOPLE EX CLAIMING)
Wait. Don't shoot.
You big, strapping bIokes
wouIdn't heIp me find my gun
under this muck, wouId you?
Oh, Iook, here it is.
So Iong, misfit.
Penny, I just bought these.
Sorry, Lexie, finger must have sIipped.
Hey!
(SCREAMS )
(TAJ SHOUTING)
You know, I'm sorry
about Pip's behavior Iast night.
He doesn't mean anything by it.
He just doesn't know any better.
Either that or he does know better
and he just doesn't care.
No, Taj, you don't understand.
Pip comes from a very important famiIy,
one of the most powerfuI in EngIand
and sometimes
you just have to overIook the...
Do you know what?
I sound just Iike my father.
-Sorry.
-It's aII right.
Look, aside from forgiving
aII of Pip's awfuI fauIts,
what exactIy wouId you Iike to do
for the rest of your Iife?
Oh, you'd Iaugh.
No, I won't.
It's absurd, reaIIy.
I'd be one of the worId's
foremost archeoIogists,
traveIing the worId
in search of ancient antiquities.
That sounds fascinating.
It's not that easy.
My parents have
certain expectations of me
and archeoIogy
certainIy isn't one of them.
As my mother says,
''The future wife of an earI doesn't get
on her hands and knees.''
Not with her rings on, anyway.
How about you?
What eIse wouId you Iike to do
with your Iife?
I want to be right here.
The university is aII the better
for having you,
-and your students absoIuteIy Iove you.
-No, I don't mean the university.
I mean, just be here.
What I'm trying to say is that I feeI...
I feeI...
(GROANING)
My baIIs.
What the...
It feIt Iike we were in a heated battIe,
didn't it?
Pip.
What in God's name have you been doing?
We've been reenacting
the BattIe of Agincourt. It was fantastic.
You did what?
I can't taIk now. I'II caII you Iater.
Hey, wait up.
They've been spending
an awfuI Iot of time together.
You don't suppose that she and he are...
Oh, God, no. Not my CharIie.
No, I'm afraid the poor oId dear
has a soft spot
for that curry-breathing cretin
and his band of mutants,
micks and whores.
You aIways see the best in peopIe.
You know what they say.
Lords have mercy.
WeIcome everyone
to the Mastermind ChaIIenge.
The team that wins the chaIIenge
gets 50 points towards the Hastings Cup.
PIease wait untiI the question
has been compIeted.
Percy stoIe the answers.
But don't make it too obvious.
Question number one.
PIease finish the foIIowing ChurchiII quote.
''Let it roII. Let it roII on fuII fIood...''
That wouId be...
''...inexorabIe, irresistibIe, benignant,
to broader Iands and better days.''
Point, Cock and BuIIs.
How many members of the BeatIes
have been knighted by the Queen?
-I think that wouId be...
-OnIy one, Sir PauI McCartney.
Point, Cock and BuIIs.
Never mind, make it obvious.
Who is the inventor of the device
known as the microscope?
Anton van Leeuwenhoek.
Point, Cock and BuIIs.
Who is the captain of the Iast EngIish team
to win the WorId Cup?
-Bobby Moore.
-Point, Cock and BuIIs.
In what Shakespearean pIays
do ghosts appear?
Julius Caesar, Richard lll,
Hamlet and Macbeth.
In what year
was the Suez CanaI inaugurated?
Point, Cock and BuIIs.
-What was the name of the isIand where...
-The GaIpagos IsIands.
-What is the scientific name for...
-Sodium chIoride.
-What is the...
-The fIux capacitor.
WouId you say something? Just anything.
-How many of the...
-Fifteen.
-Seventeen.
-Point, Cock and BuIIs.
-What, in bioIogy...
-A gerbiI.
-Which...
-Gonorrhea.
-Who...
-WiIIiam Shatner.
NicoIae Ceausescu.
-TeII me...
-George Lazenby.
Point, Cock and BuIIs.
-Large dog.
-Point, Cock and BuIIs.
-Modus operandi.
-Point, Cock and BuIIs.
You know, this guy is very good.
The BattIe of TrafaIgar.
Pocket rocket. Fats Domino.
More commonIy known as diarrhea.
Point, Cock and BuIIs.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(WHA Tl GO TO SCHOOL FOR
PLAYING)
The Cock and BuIIs win
the Mastermind ChaIIenge.
''In a stunning upset
on the rugby fieId yesterday,
''the Cock and BuIIs
defeated Hampshire House
(ALL CHEERING)
''to win the match
in finaI seconds of the game,
''thanks to a steIIar athIetic performance
by Seamus O'TooIe.''
Don't worry, Iadies, I stiII have
another steIIar athIetic performance,
or two, stiII Ieft in me.
I have just met
the most spectacuIar bIoke.
He didn't Iook at my tits once.
Maybe he's a trouser piIot.
What if he don't fancy gaIs?
Bet you a fiver he wishes you had a cock.
Oh, piss off, bush miII.
Taji, I'm nervous.
You know, I Iike this bIoke.
He's cIassy, the kind of guy
who'd be going out with a proper Iady.
I just don't think it'II work
between me and him.
Sadie, if you think that this is a guy
who's worth getting to know,
then by aII means, get to know him.
Money and position make no difference
when it comes to matters of the heart.
Do you guys reaIIy beIieve that?
-AbsoIuteIy.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
Pip, the Cock and BuIIs did very weII
on the rugby fieId the other day.
If they win the dog show on Saturday,
we couId be in reaI troubIe.
Roger,
sometimes the AImighty,
in his infinite wisdom,
Iikes to give a sIiver of hope
to the downtrodden and underpriviIeged
to make up for their inferior haircuts
and the fact they have to winter
and summer in the same pIace.
The Cock and BuIIs are entering
a mongreI beast
and we're entering
Chauncey AvaIon Renaissance,
a direct bIoodIine to the Iegendary
Zurich von EdeIweiss.
You're right. We can't Iose.
No, we can't.
ParticuIarIy since I've prepared
some extra insurance.
-Ding dong.
-Ding dong.
My ancestors did not create
the Hastings Cup
so that rejects Iike the Cock and BuIIs
couId make a mockery out of it.
Bon apptit, BaIzac,
and bon voyage, Iosers.
Maxirod.
EnIargen, Manhammer?
Where did you get this stuff?
Oh, I accidentaIIy took it
from my father's traveIing kit.
But it says Pip Everett, Jr.
on the prescriptions.
-A typo.
-On aII three bottIes.
Look, shut up.
(BARKS )
How many times have I toId you
never to take food from strangers?
Lads, tomorrow's dog show wiII go down
as one for the ages.
To victory tomorrow
and the Hastings Cup.
Hey, Chauncey.
-PIP: Cheers.
-Here you go.
Sorry, buddy.
(DOGS BARKING)
MAN: Chauncey!
Bravo!
Bravo, Chauncey.
How're you doing, buddy, huh?
You ready to go? You doing aII right?
Yeah? You ready to kick some taiI?
Yeah, I think you are.
Good Iuck today.
Oh, thank you. Have a good show.
Oh, we shaII. I'm Iooking forward
to some stiff competition out there.
I'm sure you are, Poop.
Pip.
Honest mistake, diarrhea face.
What? What did I just say?
What did I just say, buddy?
Bijou Caronta and his dachshund, Fritz.
Strong jaw Iine, extended chest,
good firm buttocks.
Reminds me of a young Susan Sarandon.
Taj BadIa...
(STAMMERING)
Showtime.
BadaIandabad.
And his buIIdog, BaIzac.
PIP: That's strange.
Doesn't seem to be working.
Maybe the piIIs went bad.
WeII, they worked fine Iast Saturday.
My father happened to mention.
JUDGE: My God, this animaI is magnificent.
It was a piece of cake.
Oh, I reaIIy hope it isn't too ''hard-on'' you.
Pip Everett, the EarI of Grey,
and his Great Dane, Chauncey.
(DOGGlE STYLEPLAYING)
(DOGS BARKING)
Chauncey! HaIt!
Chauncey!
Chauncey!
(YELPING)
PIP: Chauncey.
Chauncey!
(PEOPLE GROANING)
Come.
Chauncey, come.
Chauncey.
Chauncey!
-What are you doing?
-Trust me.
Chauncey, I said come!
(CHAUNCEY HOWLING)
CouId someone pIease get her
a Tidy Wipe?
You know what, I'm done here,
Iadies and gentIemen.
Thank you for coming.
I didn't mean that as...
Thank you.
It's been a pIeasure.
How dare that Third-WorId, cow-Ioving
sociaI reject humiIiate me?
And how couId CharIie be
so endIessIy amused by him?
Your sister. Your sister, carrying on
with that repugnant troII friend of his.
The worId's gone mad, I teII you.
Our very way of Iife is being threatened,
and I, for one, wiII not aIIow it to continue.
Pip, perhaps we couId find a better usage
for your sword.
AIexandra, you're quite sure your sister
isn't joining the Cock and BuIIs party.
Yes, PeneIope ran to Mum and Dad's
for the night.
And you and PeneIope
are an identicaI match?
WeII, one of us has a birthmark.
WouId you Iike to see it?
If the rabbIe insist on being crushed
into obIivion, so be it.
AIexandra, I'm going to need your heIp.
(CHAUNCEY WHINING)
Chauncey, do shut up.
The piIIs wiII wear off soon enough.
AIexandra, why are you just sitting there?
I thought you said you wanted to pIay
with my sword.
Oh, right, yeah.
(CRAZYBlTCH PLAYING)
(SHOUTING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Let's party!
(WHOOPING)
TAJ: Everybody's attention, pIease.
Attention, pIease. Can I have...
(MUSIC STOPS )
I'd Iike to thank everyone
for coming tonight.
Thanks to BaIzac's performance,
the Cock and BuIIs are now onIy 20 points
behind the Fox and the Hounds,
which means whoever wins the next event
wiII win the Hastings Cup.
So now, Iet's just get inebriated.
(NUTHlN'BUTA DAWG PLAYING)
What's up, Gethin?
Where is BaIzac, anyway?
I think he is otherwise engaged.
(BARKING)
-Taji.
-Sadie, how was your date?
Taji, you were right.
He was the perfect gentIeman.
We had tea and then a candIeIit dinner
and then a beautifuI carriage ride.
-That's wonderfuI.
-Then we got scrambIed,
he yanked off me scanties
and we shagged aII night on the tiIes.
-AII right.
-Let's party.
Sir, there's a probIem with Simon.
Excuse me. What?
TAJ: Simon?
I have...
I have a probIem.
Oh, my God, he's taIking.
WeII, Simon, whatever your probIem is,
we're your friends, you can teII us.
WeII, you see,
it's to do with the size of my piddIer.
Your...
WeII, you know, it's an understood fact
that a man's piddIer is...
Appears smaIIer to himseIf
than it is in reaI Iife.
WeII, you see, that's what I'm afraid of.
'Cause according to me
it has some 1 1 inches.
Come again? FigurativeIy.
You see, the probIem is
that every time I get aroused,
aII the bIood rushes from my head
to my...head.
And I can't taIk.
But do you think it's gonna be...
(ALL SCREAM)
-It's...
-It's...
-Yes.
-Yes, I think you'II be fine.
It works.
I'm sorry to interrupt you boys
tossing off your taIIy-whackers,
but, Taji, there's a beautifuI young Iady
waiting for you outside.
I'm surprised you don't get out more.
-HeIIo.
-CHARLOTTE: SmiIe.
Sorry, I just had to have a picture
of the wickedest party of the year.
WeII, then, why don't you come on in,
grab a drink?
Wait. I have a surprise for you first.
Let's take a waIk in the woods.
A surprise in the woods?
WeII, can you give me a second?
Let me go repack my waIIet reaI quick.
Come on.
(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)
TAJ: Amazing.
Fantastic.
The Persephone comet hasn't been seen
in the EngIish skies since...
-NapoIeon was defeated at WaterIoo.
-Yes.
Come on.
-I have one more surprise for you.
-Yeah?
Is this one scenery, too?
No more scenery.
(A KlCKlN THE MOUTH PLAYING)
Come on. Hey. It's a party.
Hey, dude, what are you Iooking at?
Hi.
Seamus was just teIIing me a story
about you. A very Iong one.
(GIGGLING)
PeneIope?
I thought you were gone for the weekend.
Yes. I was,
but I just couIdn't stop thinking of you.
-You couIdn't?
-No.
That's fantastic.
-Take me, Gavin.
-Gethin.
Whatever.
Wow. You seem so different.
Have you aIways had that birth mark
on your neck?
It matches this one.
-Any more dumb questions?
-No, I'm good.
Good.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Just take off your cIothes.
Okay.
(GASPS )
(THUDDING)
(ROCKMUSlC PLA YlNG ON STEREO)
(SCREAMING)
Nice.
(GRUNTS )
Take your bIoody hands off me.
You whiskey-swiIIing Irish bIockhead.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
No. DiIip, Kami and AIita.
We are the BadaIandabads.
We have come to surprise our son,
Taj MahaI.
He's upstairs.
If you'II excuse me, I think I'm in Iove.
(TAJ MOANING)
(BOTH IMITATE ROARING)
(IMITATE MEOWING)
TAJ: Yes.
Excuse me.
Bad doggie.
(IMITATES BARKING)
Oops.
Oops.
I'm ready for you,
my IittIe Yorkshire pudding.
-Surprise!
-Surprise!
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Go! Go! Oh, my God.
(SHOUTING)
CHARLOTTE: I don't care.
So...have a nice fIight?
I warn you, Provost.
Prepare to be appaIIed
beyond your imagination.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
-Good Lord!
-Disgusting, isn't it, Provost?
-Coming through.
-GIRL: Hi, gorgeous.
Provost?
Provost?
Right this way, Provost.
Are you okay?
(EX CLAIMS )
Provost, he has knocked that woman out
with his schIong.
(PUNKMUSlC PLA YlNG ON STEREO)
Arey, don't worry, beta.
They wiII get over it.
It's not Iike your famiIy
has never seen you naked before.
Okay, maybe not quite as hairy...
-Dad.
-But stiII.
So, is there someone speciaI,
or were you just...
No! Yes!
No, I mean... Yes, there was somebody.
ReaIIy?
And how schIong...Iong
have you been seeing her?
WeII, tonight was actuaIIy
our first night together.
And aIready in your bedroom.
Shabaash, beta. My son is a hound doggie!
A chip off the oId BadaIandabads.
You got the oId Camford
chick-a-day caIendar, huh, beta?
-Beta?
-Something Iike that.
PeneIope?
My IittIe vixen, I'm ready.
Honey bunny? I'm ready.
PeneIope, I'm not quite sure
how this works.
Do I get discipIined now?
-PROVOST: AbsoIuteIy.
-Are you enjoying the party, sir?
You know, beta, I envy you.
You are just Iike I was.
A chip off the oId BadaIandabads.
Attending the big bad bone dance,
morning, noon and night.
The pink taco stand
deIivering 24 hours a day,
free of charge.
(EX CLAIMING)
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad, Iisten.
No dishum.
-No dishum.
-No.
I am not a chip off the oId BadaIandabad
and I'm not a hound doggie. I'm sorry.
I tried to Iive up to your Iegacy.
I reaIIy did.
But I'm afraid I disappointed you.
You see, I reaIIy have faIIen for someone,
and it's just one girI.
Just one girI?
Just one.
I see.
So, this one girI is feeIing the same
as you are?
I beIieve so.
WeII, I guess we are not aII cut out
to be hound doggies.
You're not disappointed?
How can I be disappointed? You're my son.
It is watching you
come into your own as a man
that makes me feeI so proud of you, beta.
Come, give your father a big squashy.
Thanks.
-No, no, Dad, I need another hug.
-Oh, beta.
-Oh, beta, I Iove you.
-It's okay.
Beta, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, my beta.
Beta, I can't breathe.
(GROANING) Oh, I Iove you, too. I Iove you.
My testicIes!
Bye.
Sorry, did I ruin a moment?
What the heII are you doing here?
Provost and I made some
interesting discoveries this evening.
StoIen copies of next week's history test
in your students' rooms.
My students wouId never cheat.
Yes. WeII, you can teII your story
to the discipIinary committee
first thing in the morning.
You know, it's funny
how things work out, isn't it?
I suggest you start packing, Paki.
Restraint, my boy. Restraint.
-He's mine.
-Dad!
Camford University is the greatest
institution of higher Iearning in the worId.
We take transgressions most seriousIy.
So it is I must inform you
that you're aII expeIIed.
I stoIe the exam.
-GETHIN: Sir, that's ridicuIous.
-Quiet, Gethin, this is how it must be.
I don't know the first thing
about EngIish history,
so how couId I have expected my students
to pass an exam.
I admit it was a weak moment.
But it was my weak moment, not theirs.
WeII, you understand that this wouId
mean your immediate expuIsion.
Yes.
I onIy ask that you not penaIize
my students for something
for which I'm cIearIy to bIame.
They aII have to be expeIIed.
They've aIready seen the exam.
I don't see why the entire house
shouId be penaIized
for Mr. Ba...
(STAMMERING)
ALL: BadaIandabad!
-Thank you.
-Oh, yes.
WeII, for his transgressions.
We'II give them an oraI exam.
If they pass, they're back in.
If not, weII, they're out.
PIP: Fine.
But meanwhiIe, Mr. BadaIandabad,
we accept your expuIsion.
Wait. CharIotte, Iet me expIain.
I've heard more than enough, thank you.
I cannot beIieve we bought in
to aII of your nonsense.
But...
Those kids idoIized you. I admired you.
But the joke's on aII of us, isn't it?
Because you're nothing but a cheat.
Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody, okay?
-If you wouId just Iet me expIain...
-No.
The road to heII is paved
with good intentions, isn't it?
Good day, Mr. BadaIandabad.
(AFTERMA TH PLAYING)
MAN: We aII know why we're here.
Let's begin.
(WOMAN GROANlNG)
Come on, baby. Come on.
Daddy's Ieaving soon.
Oh, you wanna give it to me, don't you?
Come on.
I'm trying a different tactic here, baby.
I'm trying to be nice to you.
You don't Iike it nice, do you,
you IittIe whore?
-Hey, guys. How did it go?
-WOMAN: Oh, baby.
WeII, Iook, the important thing
is that you tried, aII right? It...
WeII, Iook, the important thing
is that you tried, aII right? It...
You passed?
-Oh, you passed.
-Yeah!
(ALL YELLING)
What's wrong, Gethin?
Oh, weII, this is aII thanks to you, sir.
And as soon as you Ieave tomorrow,
we're going to get sIaughtered
in the Hastings Cup.
Oh, pIease, Gethin.
That's absoIuteIy ridicuIous.
This is aII thanks to you guys.
You know, I had a feeIing
that you guys wouId pass,
so I prepared some Iibations.
Now, you guys were outcasts
when you got here,
and you showed those priviIeged
snotbags that you were their better.
And because of your hard work,
Camford, one of the finest institutions
in the worId, is now yours.
And it's time you get out there,
and kick some Fox and Hounds ass,
and win the Hastings Cup.
-To the Cock and BuIIs.
-To the Cock and BuIIs.
Oh, come on, this again.
-To the Cock and BuIIs!
-To the Cock and BuIIs!
(BELLS TOLLING)
Taj MahaI, beta, cheer up a IittIe.
You wiII find another schooI
which wiII make you happy.
Dad, I'm reaIIy, reaIIy sorry
that I disappointed you.
I just wanted to foIIow in
your Iegendary footsteps.
Did I not teII you about your stories,
DiIip, huh?
TeII him.
Taj, I may have toId you
a sIight stretching of the truth.
I'm afraid I was never a member
of the Foxes and Hounds.
What?
But aII those stories?
Wait. The ones about being the
suItan of snatch are true, though, right?
That wouId be a fine thing.
He's Iucky to even find it.
More Iike the suItan of spIat.
One must admit, it can be somewhat
difficuIt to Iocate at times.
Hang on. Hang on.
Why were you not in
the Foxes and Hounds?
I thought I was accepted.
But when I arrived,
there had been some sort of mistake.
A typographicaI error, they said.
You're kidding.
It's okay, beta.
Maybe this university is not the pIace
for us BadaIandabads.
Come. Let's go home.
Can you guys pIease give me
a few minutes aIone?
Haan, beta. Of course. Chalo.
We wiII wait outside.
Guess I won't be needing
that goIf cart, Van.
-How fast does that goIf cart go?
-What are you doing here?
There's no time. I'II expIain on the way.
Welcome everybody to
the final competition for the Hastings Cup.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Now, only two teams
have accrued enough points
to compete in the final event.
The Fox and Hounds,
and the Cock and Bulls.
Fox and Hounds, who will represent you?
I wiII.
Cock and Bulls, who will represent you?
I wiII.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
What are you doing here?
You've been expeIIed.
I'm afraid Mr. Everett's correct.
OnIy current students are...
Provost Cunningham, I think
you'II find a reinstatement is in order.
-CharIie, have you Iost your senses?
-Quite the opposite.
If you Iook cIoseIy at this photo,
you'II see that a woman
is hoIding the stoIen exam papers.
Which means it couIdn't have been Taj.
He was just heIping his friends.
Don't just stand there, young man.
You've got a competition to compete in.
Cheers.
ALL: Cock and BuIIs!
En garde.
Point, Fox and Hounds.
-Okay, he is good.
-You're not concentrating.
Every time, he attacks from his Ieft
and exposes his chest,
that's when you attack.
HeIIo. I'm trying.
But his Iightning-fast bIows
make it a IittIe bit difficuIt.
-Oh, our first fight.
-Just go.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
PROVOST: Point, Cock and BuIIs.
-That was great. Got any more advice?
-Yeah.
Note taken.
You know, I think
I'm finaIIy starting to scare him.
(CROWD GASPS )
Somebody has some anger issues.
Let's settIe this Iike my ancestors did,
shaII we?
-You want to expIoit me economicaIIy?
-No.
-First bIood.
-First bIood?
Come on, Paki, it's your chance to stick it
to the British aristocracy.
Pip, stop it.
Pip, I hate to pry,
but do you think
your sword obsession is over...
Overcompensation for your shortcomings!
VioIence doesn't soIve anything, bitch.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
I'm sorry!
No, I'm not.
Gethin.
Thank you.
Oh, shit.
I don't think you get it, Raji.
We don't want you here.
If we weren't here, who wouId tend to
your fossiI gardens and serve you tea
whiIe you pretend to be important,
you goron?
I'm sure I'd survive, Raji.
Can't say the same about you.
You are pompous,
you're racist, you're sexist
and dress Iike a dance instructor
on a cruise ship.
Looks Iike it's curtains for you, Raji.
Good idea, Pip.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Up and over.
Oh, my God. Pip, that was fantastic.
How did you do that?
WeII, I work out, I train.
You got to eat right...
This is becoming rather tiresome.
(WHISPERS ) Go for the Rathbone.
The Rathbone. Very impressive.
But bad news. I taught it to her.
Time to meet your ancestors, Haji.
Oh, yeah?
Perhaps you'd Iike to meet yours.
No!
Father!
(PEOPLE EX CLAIMING)
And the name is Taj.
PROVOST: Point and match, Mr. Ba...
(STAMMERING)
ALL: BadaIandabad!
Somebody pIease get me a Tidy Wipe.
CongratuIations, young man.
CongratuIations.
Ladies and gentIemen,
Ladies and gentIemen,
I give you this year's winners,
the Cock and BuIIs,
winners of this year's Hastings Cup.
Hooray!
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
My father donates miIIions of pounds
to this university.
Consider repercussions
of what you're about to do.
-TeII him.
-AII right. AII right.
Pip stoIe the exam papers
and he got me to put them in their rooms.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
WeII, perhaps you shouId consider the
repercussions of what you've done, Pip.
Yes, he's right. You're expeIIed.
Good, I couIdn't stand that IittIe snotbag.
Sammy!
Sammy!
Lord Wrightwood?
Yes.
(STUTTERING) Pip Everett. EarI of Grey.
Mr. Everett, I am... I didn't recognize you.
Oh, that's nothing. No.
I just wanted to say,
I received your Ietter of commendation,
and wanted to say thank you
for everything.
Yes. About that,
it seems there has been a mistake.
-Mistake?
-TypographicaI, I'm afraid.
It was meant to say that
you had not got the position.
Sorry, oId boy.
(STAMMERING) TypographicaI.
What he's trying to say is piss off, Pip.
No, okay. Yeah, okay. Sure. Quite.
Oh, okay.
Are you sure typographicaI was...
CIear enough. Thank you. Great.
Beta, beta, beta, beta, beta.
I've never been more proud of you
than I am at this moment.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, your son is
the biggest hound doggie on campus.
My son, a hound doggie?
It's practicaIIy raining
women's undergarments
when he waIks down the street.
I aIways knew it that my son
wouId foIIow in my footsteps
in the pursuit of the pink taco.
Being a hound doggie
is in the BadaIandabad genes.
WeII, it may be in his genes, dear,
but I certainIy never found anything
speciaI, when I Iooked in yours.
Are you saying that I'm firing bIanks?
I have fathered three chiIdren.
So, what? If our mattress
couId have gotten pregnant,
you wouId have fathered six.
I am warning you, woman.
I am shaking in my sari.
I don't need this aggravation.
Thanks for deaIing with my dad.
-They don't Iive here, do they?
-Oh, no, no. MiIwaukee.
My pIeasure, then.
You know, CharIotte,
you shouId know I'm not a rich guy.
I don't own a house or anything.
I'm not an earI.
In fact, the onIy titIe I hoId
is to an '86 Toyota CoroIIa.
Oh, come now, Mr. BadaIandabad.
You're forgetting
what an exceIIent swordsman you are.
HardIy, I aImost died up there.
I mean I got a coupIe of good...
-Were you caIIing me a hound doggie?
-Maybe.
WeII.
(SHlNEPLAYING)
I can fence much better than you, though.
-Oh, reaIIy?
-Yes.
-Let's go.
-You want a rematch?
Let's go, yes.