Van Wilder: Freshman Year (2009) Movie Script
There is one graduate here today
that has won every single honor
and award this school gives out.
That graduate,
our friend, is Van Wilder!
Standing here today,
I cannot help but wish I could stay
in high school forever.
I mean, there are
so many warm mammories...
Memories I have of this place.
But, you see, change, like life,
has a way of sneaking up on us.
When we least expect it, yeah.
Sure, the timing may seem
very, very bad,
but yet it feels good, so good,
to be graduating
with some of the sharpest minds
and swiftly darting tongues
that this school has to offer.
Listen to me ramble.
I am really giving you a mouthful.
But before I'm finished,
it is my extreme pleasure
to recognize someone who has aced
her oral exams,
who has always been head of the class,
graduating summa cum
laude. Our very own valedictorian.
Congratulations, graduates!
-Congratulations, Son.
-Thanks.
Now, let's get out of here.
The sooner we get to Amsterdam,
the sooner we won't be able
to remember it.
Yeah.
-You're not going to Amsterdam.
-I can't.
Sheik Mohammad is building
an island outside of Dubai.
And I'm gonna help him
import a million tons of sand.
It's a huge opportunity, Van.
Come on. You're gonna have
a great time without me.
Exploring nether regions
in the Netherlands
is not a bad way to spend
your summer before college.
I still don't know why I can't
just skip college and come work for you.
I mean, I know the business,
we could hang out...
Van, every Wilder man
has graduated from Coolidge.
It's tradition. And tradition
is something you just don't break.
I gotta run. Hey, have a great time,
do everything I wouldn't do,
and remember,
-''Banging, broke or blitzed...''
-''A Wilder never quits.''
Write that down.
Well, well. Look who just arrived.
Van, do you have
to go back to the college?
Come back to Amsterdam with us.
Dulia, Babette, I'm sorry, ladies,
but I must.
I've been waiting 30 years for this.
It's a little small, but I can work with it.
Van Wilder. I'm your new roommate.
All right. Farley.
Smoke?
Man, am I glad
we are roommates, man!
This place is a pimper's paradise.
I'm gonna make
some of my special brownies.
My God!
We've been invaded by Supercuts!
-Lieutenant Dirk Arnold, ROTC.
-Corporal Benedict, ROTC.
Van Wilder, WTF?
The Honorable Dean Charles Reardon
requests your presence immediately.
But I just put my slippers on.
Van Wilder, sir, as you ordered.
Return to your squad.
Well, well, Mr. Wilder.
Nice of you to join us.
Colonel Charles Reardon,
Dean, Coolidge College.
How's it hanging, Chuck?
You see these fine young men, Wilder?
These are Reardon's Raiders.
They've won every ROTC war game
for the past three years.
They're my pride and joy.
Good doggies.
I especially like your Chihuahua.
Lady Liberty is a purebred
Italian greyhound.
Actually, I was talking about that guy.
Arnold!
Secure Lady Liberty.
Let's you and me take a little ride, son.
Stay.
-Good dog.
-Get the lead out, Wilder!
You know, I went to school here
with your father.
He acted like he owned the place,
just 'cause his family's name
was on that building over there.
You know what that name
means to me?
About as much as titties on a mule, son.
I run this outfit now.
And while you're here,
you'll follow Reardon's Rules.
No drinking, no fornicating,
and no partying, period.
Or you'll be the first Wilder
who fails to graduate from Coolidge.
Now, do you follow me?
Yes, sir! You prefer your mules titless!
Let's get one thing straight, son.
I may not be able to kick you out of here
'cause of your daddy and his dough.
But you screw with me,
and I'll make it so you'll pray to leave.
Out.
I'm glad we had this talk.
Means there won't be
any problems in the future.
Party tonight, party tonight.
Party tonight, party tonight, thank you.
You smell that, Farley?
That's the smell of opportunity.
The smell of thousands of new girls.
The... Hello.
Van Wilder, Chairman
of Freshman Relations, self-appointed.
This is my partner, Farley Marley.
-Jah Rastafari.
-He's from Jamaica.
-Right.
-We're having a little
room-warming soiree tonight.
Nothing big, just a few hundred friends,
foam machine, nitrous, frappuccinos.
We would love it if you ladies came.
-A party?
-You're joking, right?
No!
It's okay.
Wow. This is embarrassing.
I can't believe nobody showed up.
Well, it's about time.
Party?
So, Yu Dum Fok! You came all the way
here from China.
Yes. Village I grow up in boring as shit.
No party. I dream of beer bong,
bimbos, and boob on my butt.
So, I work in sweatshop,
save money, come here.
Cannot even afford room,
have to sleep in janitor closet.
That's one of the most beautiful things
I've ever heard, Yu Dum Fok.
No offense to your ancestors,
but maybe we'll just call you Yu, Yu.
Van, how come no hot,
young, American cat?
Coolidge is number one party school!
Girls used to have hair?
I hate to break it to you, Yu,
but I don't think
that's the case anymore.
No party?
No beer bong?
-No boob on butt?
-No.
I go to janitor closet now.
Drink ''breach.''
Forget the ''breach.''
Boys, it's toga time.
Friends, Romans, grunting women,
lend me your beers.
Welcome.
Nice jugs.
They contain the sacred blood
of the lamb.
Do you wish to be purified?
We here for boob on butt.
Actually, I think we're lost.
Come with me. My sisters
will take care of your friends.
I'm not sure if you're aware,
but in the past few years
Coolidge has become a more
religious and conservative campus
than it used to be.
I'd better take these.
Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash.
At Coolidge, we're dry.
You know, science has made
incredible advancements
in personal lubrication.
You won't be needing these, either.
Orgasms are the deviI's heroin.
Just once, and you're hooked.
''O daughters of Jerusalem,
do not awaken love until it is ready.''
-Amen.
-Amen.
Song of Solomon, 8:4.
Let she who is without sin
grasp the first bone.
Wilder, 69.
Perhaps you and your friends
should look into a different school.
We have enough sinners here.
You wouldn't happen to have
their phone numbers, would you?
You have a very impure spirit.
There's a dark, wretched hole
waiting for you.
Okay, but you have to buy me
a drink first.
I think that can be arranged.
Now I know what a tampon feels like.
This is a complete fuckery,
you know, man.
No poom poom, no ganja.
Vampires for Jesus,
throwing blood on us?
-I can't take four years of this bullshit.
-We drink ''breach,'' get sent home.
Hey! No one's drinking ''breach!''
And no one's going home.
So what did you have in mind?
We shake things up a bit.
Why don't we just buy some?
Where's the fun in that?
This almost as good as boob on butt.
Say hello to my little friend.
Sorry.
Don't forget to floss.
Hi, Dirk. How's that big gun of yours?
-Hey, honeybear.
-Hey, honeybear!
Kaitlin. So nice you could make it.
We missed you in Bible study again.
-Hymnal?
-Whoa!
Nice arm, Jezebel.
-I believe this is yours.
-Thanks.
Van Wilder, hopeless romantic.
-Kaitlin Hayes.
-My girlfriend.
Well, it's nice to see there are
some Christians
who still do charity work.
Come on, Kaitlin, let's go.
Yeah, before all the good seats
are taken!
No, thanks. I brought my own.
Thank you.
Today, I wanna talk about
something that's all over this school,
and it isn't pencils, no.
And it isn't books. But it's sin.
S-I-N. Sin.
You know, it seems like they'll let just
about anybody in school these days.
Except Jesus.
And, you know, I took the time
to check Jesus' transcripts,
and I find out that Jesus has
a perfect GPA.
Yeah, that stands
for God Point Average.
Amen, amen.
-Amen.
-Amen.
But what is the number one sin
on campus today?
Quite plainly, it's sex.
-Sex.
-S-E-X.
-Sex.
-Sex.
Even as we're speaking,
the sinning is beginning. Amen!
-Amen.
-Amen.
Amen, sisters.
-Gentlemen, the Lord is...
-Hallelujah, sister!
...about to work in very...
-Hallelujah!
...mysterious ways.
-Hallelujah!
That's right, sisters.
I want you to feel the Lord inside you.
Because fornication, copulation
and the king of all sins, masturbation,
is happening all around us,
even at this very moment.
-Amen!
-Amen!
But we've got a secret because
we've got Jesus on our side.
Can I get an amen?
-Amen!
-Amen!
Amen, sisters!
Yes, they're feeling it right now!
They got the power of the Lord
deep down inside them.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Hallelujah, sister, hallelujah.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-I want each of you out there to pray.
-Amen.
Pray that you might be
feeling what they're feeling.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Yes, they're talking to the big guy.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Oh, the sisters are feeling
mighty good right now.
-Amen, sisters!
-Amen!
It's time for some tits and mass.
-Amen!
-Amen!
-Amen!
-Amen!
Amen, sisters!
That's what I'm talking about!
-Amen!
-Amen!
You might as well open up
your pearly gates, dear Lord.
'Cause these sisters are coming!
These sisters are coming!
These sisters are coming!
-Amen!
-Amen!
You know what these are?
You know what these are?
Yes, sir.
And I think experimentation
is healthy for any marriage.
You listen to me, funny man.
I can't prove it, but I know it was you.
And you can rest assured,
I will get to the bottom of this.
In this case, Chuck,
may I recommend some Vaseline.
You know, nowadays,
the Dean has much more influence
over a student's curriculum.
And I have got something special
in store for you.
Something to build character.
Something to make you a man.
-Left, left, left, left, left, left...
-Left, left, left, left, left, left...
I'm gonna take a stab in the dark
and say
that none of you signed up
for this, either.
Well, if they think
that we came to college
to waste our time playing soldier
to some slack-jawed, pituitary-pumping,
testosterone-tweaking Neanderthal,
then they...
Are 100% correct.
Attention! Straight line! Eyes forward!
I'm Corporal Hayes.
I will be your drill instructor.
It's my job to guide you
through your ROTC physical training,
which is required to graduate
from this institution.
Are there any questions?
Yes, soldier.
Do you, by chance, drill in private?
Well, Mr. Wilder, if you'd like,
I'm sure I can arrange for us to spend
a little one-on-one time together.
This a new experience for you?
Yeah.
I usually go electric.
Helps get those hard-to-reach spots.
Hilarious. I've met guys like you before.
The only person you care about
is yourself.
-Something funny?
-Yeah.
I just can't wait to prove you wrong.
We'll see.
Oh, and by the way, you missed a spot.
Enjoy.
I'm sorry. I ordered mine well-done.
I have better food in sweatshop.
Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu.
-What? I had the munchies.
-Well, look what we have here.
I haven't seen this many turds
since I won
that campus hot-dog eating contest.
Yeah, I haven't seen this many pansies
since I was picking flowers yesterday.
Remember, I was making
that arrangement, and the...
So how's the chow, ladies?
I give the presentation three stars,
I really do,
but the pseudo meat, it's a little dry.
-There you go. All better.
-Yum, yum, yum.
You know, I heard they were looking
for a few good men,
but I guess they'll take
whatever they can get.
-Hey, Dirk.
-Kaitlin! Hey, honeybear, hi!
What are you boys up to?
Well, we were just congratulating
these fine young soldiers here
on their first day of duty.
You know me, Lieutenant Friendly.
Lieutenant Friendly here even
volunteered to switch meals with me.
Oh, what a nice guy.
Yum, yum. That is so good.
How's yours, Dirk?
Oh, God.
Well, how was it?
Always leading by example.
-So, are we still going to the game?
-Oh, I...
You bet we are!
What game?
-There's a football game this weekend.
-Really?
These losers haven't won
a game in years.
Come on, it's not about winning
or losing.
It's about supporting your school.
You know what? You are so right, babe.
School spirit.
Okay, well I'm gonna get back to class.
Okay. Bye.
All right, guess what, queerbait?
You're officially on my bad side.
The team's a joke, but the concessions
will probably buy me a new Humvee.
Right.
I take bigger hits than these guys
for breakfast.
No, it's not the team's fault.
-You guys, come on!
-They've got no inspiration.
It looks like the cheerleaders are
asking for a little divine intervention.
I'll be right back.
Where you going, man?
To fix this.
I have never seen
such a sorry display in all my life.
I mean, where's the fire?
Where is the intensity?
And for God's sake,
where are the tight ends?
Your team needs you out there.
Okay, being a cheerleader isn't
about pigtails and pompoms.
It's about standing by your team,
even when they suck.
Especially when they suck.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Now, do you think you can do that?
-Yes.
-Yes.
Do you think you can give it
the old college try?
-Yes.
-Yes.
Do you think maybe, just maybe,
you can help those guys score?
-Yes!
-Yes!
That's what I'm talking about.
But first, we're gonna have
to make a few cuts.
Who knew our cheerleaders were hot?
Who knew our cheerleaders
were women?
Hey, guys.
The girls have done their part.
Now it's your turn.
Oh, and they said
that if you win this thing,
they're throwing you a victory party.
Victory party, guys. All right, let's go.
One, two, three...
-Coolidge!
-Coolidge!
Come on! I know you can do it, now.
I tell you,
I don't know whose idea it was,
but these cheerleaders are grinding it
harder than Juan Valdez.
What the...
Sweet Jesus!
Now, that's what I'm talking about!
Watch your head!
Guys, give me a ride.
Hey!
-School spirit?
-No, thanks.
How about a beer?
In a bottle.
I shouldn't be here.
Hey, wait up!
I'll walk you back to your dorm.
I'm sorry. I just... I can't afford to do
anything that might jeopardize
-getting into officer-training school.
-Understandable.
I must seem
like such a Goody Two-shoes.
No.
I was gonna say prude.
You know, you should read
The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
He say, ''All great warfare
is based on deception.
''Offer the enemy bait to lure him.
''Feign disorder and crush him.''
Or her.
He also says we cannot enter alliances
until we know the designs
of our neighbors. Good night.
You're not even going to let me
escort you to your room?
Now, what kind of a prude
would that make me?
Hey, where'd you come from?
Broke out of your little cage, huh?
What the hell?
Oh, my God.
You're my new best friend.
Here's to you.
Colossus.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Hi! Great party.
Don't thank me. Thank tequila.
What's up?
Found your pants.
Van, I took your advice about shaving
my excess body hair, and it worked.
She said I'd get laid tonight.
-What's her major?
-Pre-law.
-Get it in writing.
-Hey, Van.
Hey, guys, guys, guys,
I will get to all of you later, I promise.
Wow!
Hey, big man on campus.
-A blessing and a curse.
-Van! Van, I need your help.
-Calm down, Yu.
-I meet girl in class, ''berry'' sexy.
-Calm down, Yu.
-I meet girl in class, ''berry'' sexy.
So I say she beautiful.
She say, ''Get lost!''
So I say she smart. She say, ''Get lost!''
So I say, ''I know Van Wilder,''
and she say, ''Where your room?''
Things heating up,
but first I give her Connie ring ass.
-Connie who?
-Connie ring ass!
-Ring ass?
-Ring ass!
-Cunnilingus!
-Oh, right!
So next thing, she cry, she run out!
Show me what you did.
Jesus, man! You're lucky you didn't
send her to the fucking hospital.
Where did you learn that?
-Sex ''crass.''
-What sex ''crass''?
Now, sex is achieved when
a male's sin stick is in, on,
or in the same room as
a female's hell hole.
Now, no matter what the woman says,
the act of procreation should only last
for a few seconds.
And remember, if it feels good,
you're doing it wrong.
Professor Downs!
There's an emergency phone call.
-Your wife was in an accident.
-Tell her I'll call her later.
-And she totaled your Mustang.
-That bitch!
-Class, turn to pages 20 to 22 and...
-Hello.
Wake up!
My name is Professor Wilder.
I have BA, an MA and a PhD.
And I received a BJ from a double-D.
These are my teaching assistants.
Welcome to Sex 101.
This is hot.
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
This is not.
-No!
-No!
Hand?
Bad!
We call this maneuver ''flanking.''
Who can name this position?
-Yu.
-Glass Bottom Boat!
And this one.
Analingus!
-And that one.
-Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy.
Spraying Mantis.
Horny Dancer. Superman.
The Gizzard of Oz!
That's my favorite.
-Ladies.
-Hello, hands, meet the glans.
-And?
-Don't be daft, work the shaft.
-Guys.
-Don't be a twit, rub that clit.
You're learning!
Now, remember,
always practice safe sex.
But clean up after yourselves.
Condoms are like newspapers.
They may be filled
with important stuff now,
but you don't want them lying around
tomorrow morning.
Write that down.
Miss Hayes.
I'll let it slide this time,
but if you plan on being teacher's pet
-you really should stay after class.
-Class?
You're kidding, right?
Nothing from that soft-core seminar
would actually work in real life.
Okay, I give you tongue if you like.
The point is you put on
a disgusting display of vulgar anatomy,
crude stereotypes and dirty limericks.
Which you took copious notes on.
This is all a game to you.
It's a lot of smooth talk, and then it's
wham, bam, thank you, Van.
Well, my father taught me,
if it's something worth doing,
it's worth doing right.
Well, my father taught me
that the best things in life
are worth waiting for.
-Wait.
-Catch you later, teach.
Van! Van! Okay, thank you, thank you.
-I'm Yu.
-I'm Dongmei.
You know, I am not sure what it is,
but there is something in the air tonight.
Something called...
Love, girl.
See, that's what the reggae music
is all about.
Love and...
Shrimp?
Look at those.
Flamethrowers! Use the flamethrowers!
Permission to come inside, sir?
Kaitlin, you look like a...
Tramp!
That's what I feel like sometimes.
I mean, I know she has a boyfriend,
but it's like...
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be boring you with all this.
Here. I have a little surprise for us.
Sweet and sour.
Ready, aim, fire!
Kaitlin, what's gotten into you?
Let's just say I learned
a few things in class today.
Kaitlin, I need my energy.
I have to pass
that obstacle course in the morning.
I'll give you an obstacle.
Don't.
I am so glad you weren't busy tonight.
Go ahead.
God.
Put some of Professor Van's
methods to the test last night?
You wish. What about you?
I figured you'd be in Wilder Hall
sucking beers with Susie Sorority.
Travel books.
I always had you pegged
as more of a Soldier of Fortune girl.
Traveling's one of the reasons
why I wanna be in the military.
To see the world.
You know, there are vacations
that don't involve machine guns.
Oh, right.
Spring break in Mexico,
winters in the Caribbean.
You probably spent summer
in Amsterdam.
I think it's important to familiarize
oneself with international tongues.
-Life's just one big party, isn't it?
-Why shouldn't it be?
Last time I checked,
we only go around once, right?
Unless you believe in reincarnation.
In that case, I wanna come back
as a ThighMaster.
What?
Hey! Wait up!
You know, you could be
a great leader if you just learned
how to follow orders first.
Not a big fan
of authority figures, actually.
-Someone has father issues.
-That makes two of us.
-Excuse me?
-Come on.
The whole military routine,
the tough exterior.
You don't know anything
about my father or me.
-You just see a uniform and...
-You just see a name on a building.
Well, why don't you surprise me?
All right. First of all,
I've never even been in Wilder Hall.
And secondly,
for someone who's so big on rules,
here it is.
''Student undergarments should be
as modest
''and unrevealing as possible.''
-So?
-So my sixth sense is telling me...
-You're a thong girl.
-What? No, I'm not.
-My sixth sense does not lie.
-Well, it does this time.
And in the future,
you might want to keep it,
and the rest of your senses to yourself.
Some things are private, Private.
Corporal, I think it's time we take things
to the next level.
I have waited so long
to hear you say that.
-What?
-Nothing, I...
Eve! Jesus, you almost scared
the courage out of me.
Hey, Dirk, I was just wondering
if you could help me.
-With what?
-I need to talk to God.
So go talk to him. I'm busy.
I need to feel him inside of me.
Don't you wanna help me find God?
-Listen. I don't know what you're on...
-Just fuck me!
Get away from me, devil woman!
-Dirk!
-Faster!
You get back here!
Yes, I bought you toilet paper.
No, it's not quilted. Golly!
I won't ask if you don't tell?
What the... Hey, put me down!
Is this where you bring all the boys?
Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian.
You like cracking your jokes,
throwing your little parties,
sticking your tongue
in other people's property?
Can someone get this guy a Tic Tac?
Well, I got news for you, Mr. Cool Guy,
Mr. Rock 'n' Roll, Mr. Hot Crotch!
Your party-boy bullshit
has no place here at Coolidge.
And you're about to find out
the hard way.
I wanna watch!
This should teach you
not to mess with my girl.
Hold him!
Come on, Wilder. Drink up!
Had enough?
You wouldn't happen to have
a pale ale on tap, would you?
Screw it.
How your face feel?
Like a punching bag.
Maybe you should find another girl.
No, it's not just the girl, Farley.
Dirk and Reardon and all the rest
of those Cro-Magnon crotch diggers
need to learn they can't run
this place like Guantanamo U.
Oh, man! Who's been feeding
that dog corn again?
Farley, get some gloves.
All right, girls!
This is covert ops! I want it by the book!
Now camo up! Let's go!
-Sir, yes, sir!
-Sir, yes, sir!
-Jesus, it smells.
-Come on! Faster! Move! Yeah!
Put it on!
Mother of God!
Sir, he's right. It smells like...
What do you want it
to smell like? Roses?
Put it on!
All right, troops, one mile left.
Double time! Let's go!
-What happened to your face?
-I ran into a tool.
Oh, Dirk!
Not now, honeybear,
we're in the middle of covert ops!
-What's that smell?
-That smell?
-Yeah.
-It's the smell of war!
Well, it smells like crap.
-Is that corn?
-Back to base showers now!
Ran into a tool, huh?
-Wilder is dead!
-Dirk, what are you doing here?
-It's against the rules.
-I don't care about the rules.
-Now you sound like Van.
-No. No, no, no.
Don't you dare say that name to me!
I don't even wanna...
I don't even wanna hear that name!
-Dirk, calm down.
-You're forbidden to see him again.
Excuse me?
You can't tell me who to see.
Oh, you heard me, Corporal.
I don't want you to see him.
You don't talk to him. Period!
Or what? You'll beat him up again?
He's not one of us, Kaitlin!
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Well, then, I don't wanna be one of us,
either. Get out, Dirk!
Wait, what? You can't break up with me.
We have cuddle-wuddle time
at 2100 hours.
Cuddle your gun.
Oh, and you can keep
Major McHuggles!
Where are the others?
Just you and me today, soldier.
Figured you need
a little one-on-one training.
You have 10 minutes to run the course.
Let's see if you can keep up.
Care to make it interesting?
If I win, you have to let me take you out.
Nothing sexual,
just a tour around campus.
And if you don't?
I'll do latrine duty for a month.
-You're on.
-Great. When do I start?
You already have.
You're running out of time!
I can't. I don't have any...
Come on. You have 10 seconds.
Ten, nine, eight...
Hey, Wilder!
Do you want this, or what?
I knew you had it in you.
Piece of cake.
Let me know if you find my right testicle.
Come on, milk dud.
I'll buy you an ice cream.
Mother!
All right.
Look at 'em, Lieutenant.
Morons, listening to their retard rock.
Horn dogs, tongue-dancing,
like cousins in a closet.
You see what's happening down there,
don't you?
Chaos, anarchy, ironic T-shirts.
I'm losing control, damn it,
and I refuse to let that happen.
Do you know who's behind it, sir?
I know who's behind it, all right.
It's that same rooster that's been
sniffing around your hen house.
Looks like somebody
needs another beating!
Forget it.
Beating him up is like beating off.
It might feel good doing it,
but in the end,
we're just standing there
with our dicks in our hands.
-No. We need something more.
-I could...
Beat up his roommate, sir.
God damn it, boy. You stupid?
Wait a minute.
Isn't his roommate that pothead?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Lieutenant, I have got an idea.
Milady, your chariot awaits.
-How did you get this?
-Chuck lent it to me.
We go way back.
Thanks.
This is incredible.
You said you always
wanted to see the world.
I thought we'd start with the tropics.
Oh, I almost forgot,
the most important part.
-What is it?
-It's my own concoction.
-I call it the amputated leg.
-Why?
'Cause if you have more
than one, you're flat on your ass.
Christ! Look at this place.
It's like a homo's paradise.
-You want a cosmo?
-Put that down! Put it down!
Get over here! Stupid ass.
You have the stuff?
You have no idea
where I had to hide this.
Put it over there in that plant thingy.
Technically, that's a variegated ficus.
It really...
Yes, hello. I'd like to report
the possession
of some illegal narcotics.
I can't believe I'm doing this,
blowing off my homework,
drinking and riding
in a stolen vehicle, no less.
God bless America.
You know, what you've done here,
it's pretty great.
Well, Farley's the one
who scooped out the pineapple.
Shut up. I mean here, this, Coolidge.
I don't know. People seem happier.
That's because
they're thinking for themselves.
They don't have some father figure
telling them what to do.
Oh, back to the father issues.
You know a little bit about mine.
-What about yours?
-Well, let's see.
My father's a sergeant.
His father was a sergeant.
He always wanted a son
who was an officer.
Guess I'm just trying to get it half right.
Yeah, but the real question is,
is this what makes you happy?
Family makes me happy. Tradition.
Tradition is something that keeps
greeting-card companies in business.
I think at some point you gotta say,
''I'm gonna do what I wanna do, Dad.
''So quit busting my balls.''
Yeah, I'll be sure to mention that when
I have dinner with him this weekend.
You might wanna leave out
the balls part.
We should have a toast.
-To Coolidge.
-To you.
To us.
Shall I take you home?
Actually, there's something
that I've heard about
that I've been dying to see.
My God, it's huge.
Well, Farley and I both live here.
Yu uses the hot tub.
I think this is the bigger than some of
the military housing I grew up in.
I think it's a lot like me.
Simple yet elegant. Coarse but refined,
and it could definitely use a woman's
touch.
I've always wanted to do that.
The amputated leg strikes again.
-Are your roommates around?
-I sent them to the movies.
-So they'll be back soon.
-I sent them to all the movies.
That's good.
With Dirk, I always felt like someone
was gonna break down the door.
Don't move!
Search the place.
Are you in some kind of trouble?
Either that, or the library has seriously
changed its overdue-book policy.
We got an anonymous tip
that there are some illegal narcotics
being hidden in the plant thingy.
There's nothing in the bag.
It's empty, sir.
False alarm.
You kids have a nice evening.
Oh, and don't forget to wrap it up.
What just happened?
What wrong with Colossus?
Damn, yo, that dog is mad blazed.
He must've eaten a whole pound.
Hey, don't be lookin' at me, man.
I keep my stuff right here.
Hydroponic.
You know,
messing with me is one thing,
but nobody screws my pooch.
It's Dirk. It's gotta be.
He's trying to get even with me
for breaking up with him.
You two broke up?
Sorry to hear that.
I just can't believe he'd go this far.
I don't think he did.
I think old Dirky boy's playing
Vanna to someone else's Sajak.
And now it's our turn to spin the wheel.
What do you mean, he wasn't arrested?
We didn't find any drugs.
Officer, can you tell me why,
at such a fine institute
of higher learning,
I'm surrounded by idiots?
-It's time for your massage, sir.
-Send them in.
Get out. You're incompetent.
One? I usually have two girls.
Me no disappoint.
Holy Schwarzkopf.
Oh, yeah.
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!
Hello. Is this Mrs. Reardon?
Big, strong Gl.
You know, you Charlie ain't so bad.
Shame we had to beat you in 'Nam.
-You want happy ending?
-Does an Arab shit in the sand?
-What's this?
-Not polite to watch, only to feel.
Why your soldier not stand at attention?
It will, it will.
Very good.
This is something you'll like very much!
I cannot wait very much.
Yeah.
Your soldier stand at attention now.
-You likey, likey?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-You ready for mouth massage?
-Bring it on.
Here it come.
Easy there, easy there.
-Feel good?
-Watch it.
Watch Huck and Buck, there.
No touching.
That feels good.
That is so hot.
Charles!
So dirty.
I promise I will never make you
do anything like that ever again.
Given the events of this afternoon,
there is only one thing
in the world that I want.
-A rabies shot, sir?
-No, God damn it!
I want Wilder.
He's turned my wife against me,
my school against me,
he even turned my dog against me.
Wish we could just kick him out!
There's gotta be some way
I could just force him to leave.
Oh, I would love to see the look
on his dad's face
when he finds out his son is expelled.
I would love to see the look
on Kaitlin's dad's face
when he realizes
that his daughter's new boyfriend
isn't joining the Army.
Will you shut the hell...
-Whose dad?
-Kaitlin's.
Lieutenant! I've got it.
We are gonna finish Wilder.
-And your former squeeze, too.
-Yes, sir!
In order to do that,
I have a very important mission for you.
I need you to find me some skanks.
Well, I'm sorry Kaitlin,
but it's your turn for guard duty.
No more special treatment.
Nothing personal, Corporal.
Just be there.
It's set. You think you can get
your friends to go along?
They'll do whatever I tell them to do.
Awesome.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, Satan!
What? What are you doing? Don't stop!
Out of ammo.
Hand me your gun!
Ten-hut!
I taught him that.
What's wrong?
It's Dirk.
He knew I was going to dinner tonight
with my father,
and he deliberately
scheduled me for guard duty.
So don't go.
Van, guard duty isn't something
you can just shrug off.
If you miss it, or screw up,
it can ruin your career. It's serious.
Which is exactly how the boys
and I will treat it.
-You're gonna do it?
-Hey, I know it's not toilets,
but I think I can handle it.
What, don't you trust me?
I trust you.
But we have dates tonight! Hot ones!
Irving, trust me.
That sucking action is not realistic,
no matter what it says on the box.
I mean real dates this time, Van!
Hot ones.
-Human females?
-Hot ones.
Tell you what. They can come along.
Yes! Up, up, down, down, left,
right, left, right, B, A, start!
Now, what exactly are we guarding?
You will not get inside
Colonel Reardon's Humvee.
You do not touch the Humvee.
You do not look at the Humvee.
Then how are we supposed
to guard them?
You do not look at the Humvee!
Now,
this guard duty better come out
smooth as a bran muffin shit,
or somebody's gonna have their ass
handed to 'em.
Any questions?
Will you be the one
doing the ass handling?
Don't worry, Wilder. Yours is coming.
I am really starting to like that guy.
-So, how's college?
-It's great.
I'm taking a lot of interesting courses.
Military history, psychology...
You know, Dirk called me the other day.
Said you had broken up with him.
Yeah, well,
I met somebody else.
He a military man?
He respects the military.
Ladies.
Irving! You invited the ''dick'' girls?
This is a bad idea.
Van, don't be such a dork.
Howdy, heathen.
Well, honey, with school and Dirk,
and everything that's been
going on around here,
I just wanna know one thing. Are you...
-Yes, Dad. I'm happy.
-That's great.
But are you still on track
for officer training school?
Listen, guys.
Maybe we should slow down
just a little bit.
I am Mars, god of war!
Who amongst you shall engage
in body shots?
Hey, soldier! Wanna fuck?
No. Thank you.
I do anal.
Corporal Hayes.
As you were, as you were.
I was on the other side
of the restaurant. I didn't see you.
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
The pleasure's all mine, Sergeant.
I didn't realize Miss Hayes
came from such good stock.
Well, hopefully she will climb
a bit higher up the ladder than I did, sir.
I have no doubt, Sergeant.
Kaitlin is officer material all the way.
Her record is flawless.
Say, you're about done here.
I was just heading back to the base.
Would you like a tour? You could see
your daughter's unit in action.
I don't think that's such a good idea.
-I'd love to, sir.
-Dad!
I'm really proud of you. Love to see it.
Come on. Show off for your old man.
Let's go.
-Please?
-Okay.
-You're gonna enjoy this.
-Thank you, sir.
Oh, you know what? I forgot my purse,
so I'll meet you outside, okay?
-All right.
-Okay.
You know what I wanna do to you?
Leave me alone permanently?
Hey, watch that! Hey, stop... Hey!
No means no.
Come on, Van. Pick up.
Miss Hayes.
Shall we?
You're about to be very proud
about what you'll see.
What in God's name...
Kaitlin, this is your unit?
For the last time, no!
Van?
You must be Kaitlin's father.
Corporal Hayes, I thought you were
a better leader than this.
I thought you were officer material.
Do you understand
what the consequences of this will be?
-Colonel Reardon, I...
-She will accept
any punishment you deem fit, sir.
Wait. I can explain.
Kaitlin, let me explain.
-That a boy, Dirk.
-My pleasure, sir.
Let's go, Kaitlin.
Now.
You're disgusting.
Call me.
You realize it's my duty
to make a report of this.
Gonna put a pretty big stain
on her pretty little record.
But it's about time you learn there are
some people you don't fuck with.
What do you want from me?
Isn't it obvious?
I want you gone, out, quit.
Running home to Daddy
with your tail between your legs.
What if I say no?
Well, then I guess Miss Hayes'
military career will be coming
to a rather premature and ignoble end.
Tell you what.
Having some people over
for dinner tomorrow night
to discuss our annual war games.
Why don't you give me
your decision then?
Good seeing you.
A Wilder never quits.
So I said, ''I've got some
affirmative action for you.
''I can affirm that your dumbass kid
won't be getting
''any action at my school.''
Yo!
Cap'n Crunch!
I've made my decision.
I've decided we should settle this,
once and for all.
Like men. No more sneaking,
no more backstabbing.
Let's just get it all right out in the open.
I'm sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.
You've got a problem with my father,
a problem with my name,
and that's too bad.
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit around and let you
and your little peons
flush this school down the toilet
and hurt the people I care about,
because, even though you dragged her
into this,
this has never really been
about Kaitlin, who,
on her worst day, will be a better officer
than you ever were.
That girI's got bigger balls than you, me,
and my freakish dog combined.
I have had enough
of these little games, Wilder.
Get out.
Games?
You wanna play games?
How about
one of your precious little war games?
Loser leaves Coolidge. For good.
What do you think about that?
I think you're in
for an old-fashioned ass-kicking, son.
If I was your son, I'd kick my own ass.
I'm sorry.
You're finished, Wilder. Finished.
Miss Hayes,
in light of Mr. Wilder's behavior
I am going to remove
last night's incident from your record,
and I am giving you
my official recommendation
for officer training school.
Thank you, sir.
But I'm afraid I'll have to decline.
The officer training school
only accepts those who have
received the most honorable training.
Your name on my recommendation
would render me ineligible.
In other words, sir, go fuck yourself!
Kaitlin!
Kaitlin.
I blew it, Dad. I'm so sorry.
-He's right.
-What?
Kaitlin, I wanted you to be a soldier.
I still do.
But if getting there means having
to march in a line that's crooked,
then it ain't worth a damn.
You don't join the Army to follow.
You join it to lead.
And the only way to lead
is to do what's right.
That's my girl.
None of this is gonna work.
We need a man who actually knows
what the hell he's doing.
How about a woman?
Kaitlin, I swear to God,
I never touched her.
Okay? It was man rape.
Save it. I only wanna know one thing.
Are you ready to enter an alliance,
neighbor?
It seems he is.
Okay, enough of the soft stuff.
Reardon's got us outnumbered
five to one,
so there's no way
we can take him head on.
We're gonna fight him
on our own terms.
What do we do?
We do the only thing you guys
know how to do. We have fun.
Anyone who loses an armband
will be considered captured.
Whoever captures
the other team's general wins.
Reardon's Raiders, who's your general?
Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir!
Your team will wear the yellow bands.
Team Maverick, who's your general?
That would be me.
How's it hanging, Chuck? You miss me?
Hey.
Your team will wear the orange bands.
The game begins
when you hear the siren.
I hope you're prepared, gentlemen.
Someone's going home today.
All right, let's listen up.
First squad, take the left flank,
past the lake. Second squad, right flank.
Third squad, head on.
And our recon team,
well, let's just say
they have a head start.
Lieutenant Arnold will stay with me.
Corporal Benedict,
you'll guard the Humvee.
All right, men, there's the siren.
Now, let's get these bastards!
-Raiders!
-Raiders!
Colonel, we got recon
on the radio for you.
Recon, report. Can you see their base?
-I have a visual, sir.
-What's going on?
-Shots, sir.
-Jesus Christ, they're firing at us?
No, sir. Jell-O shots.
I repeat, Jell-O shots.
They've got the blast!
-They've got explosives?
-No, sir.
The Jell-O shots with a blueberry blast.
It's my favorite, sir.
What the hell's he talking about?
Sounds like they're having a goddamn...
Party!
So, where did all this sand come from?
Thank Sheik Mohammad.
Who?
-How we doing?
-We're up.
Give Reardon the feed.
Recon report.
Sir. Something's happening
with the monitor.
Testing, testing, check, check, hello.
I'm sorry, they can't come
to the phone right now.
Would you like to leave a message?
How the hell did you eliminate my men?
Chuck, "eliminate" is such an ugly word.
Van Wilder rules!
You tell first squad to move in.
And have Benedict on standby
with my Humvee.
Corporal Benedict!
Yes, sir!
Stand by for deployment.
Yes, sir.
You heard him!
Stand by for deployment!
That way!
Hey, guys!
Come skinny-dipping!
What the hell?
I seen this in a porno once.
-Have you seen this before?
-Don't be scared.
Jump in, baby.
Wait for me!
First squad, report! Report, damn it!
Sorry about your troops, Chuck,
but they decided to make love,
not war.
Son of a bitch.
Gotta conga.
Hello!
-Sir, we found their general.
-I hooked myself into a sand trap.
Well, don't just stand there,
capture him, you jackass!
Grab him!
Give me the armband, General.
I told you it was a sand trap.
Ladies.
I still got it.
Well, did they get him?
Not exactly.
-Permission to get angry, sir.
-Denied.
Denied!
Wet your whistle?
Where the hell is third squad?
They should've been there by now.
Hey, Chuck! I just wanna let you know,
third squad took a little detour.
God damn you, Wilder!
Well, what are you doing
just standing there?
Why don't you pussies get out there
and get me Van Wilder?
-Go!
-Get out there! Move! Move!
I can't feel my hair anymore, man.
That means it's working.
I wouldn't go any farther if I were you.
Yeah, who's gonna stop us? You?
Exactly.
Is that all you've got?
-I'll go after them, sir.
-No!
Get me Corporal Benedict.
We'll take the Humvee
and run right over 'em.
You're a genius.
Corporal Benedict.
Corporal Benedict!
Dirk, have I ever told you
I love you, man?
We all love you. Yeah!
-What?
-It's so soft, sir.
Have you felt the helmets?
Rub your helmet with me, it's so soft.
You fucking fruitcake!
-What was that?
-Don't ask, don't tell.
Okay, Chuck. We got your boys.
Why don't you and little Dirky
surrender and join the party?
Never. Surrender? Surrender?
I'd rather see my uncle naked again.
It was an accident.
If you want me, Wilder,
you have to come and get me.
-Shall we?
-Let's.
Get out there and stop them! Now! Go!
He's a little pissant!
Let me go with you.
Sorry, Dad, but this is one fight
I need to finish on my own.
-Go get him.
-Let's do it.
There's the base!
Kaitlin.
I knew you'd come back for me.
What do you say? I go high, you go low?
No. This asshole's all mine. Go.
-You sure?
-Yep, I got it.
Come to papa, honeybear.
You got nothin'.
-I could do this all day.
-That'd be a first.
Your hair smells really nice.
What is that, Essence of Traitor?
-Not so fast.
-Chuck.
Get up.
Hot stuff.
You smell good.
Wish you fought this hard
in the bedroom.
See, this is why women will never
make it in the military.
You got nothing between your legs.
Shit!
Yeah? Well, that makes two of us,
honeybear.
Nice BB gun.
I got one just like it at home.
Maybe not.
Let me tell you what's wrong
with you Wilders.
You think you can change the world
just because people like you.
Well, here's a tip, son,
people are like cockroaches.
You crush a few, the rest will scatter.
-I'm sorry, what? I was texting.
-Funny.
-I'm sorry, what? I was texting.
-Funny.
But the last laugh is mine.
God damn dog!
Like I said, nobody screws my pooch.
Sit!
Good boy.
Orange team wins!
Wilder, this isn't over.
And if you think I'm quitting,
you are screwed in the head.
Hey! Listen up! I am doubling security!
And I am rewriting the rule book!
I'm gonna make the old Coolidge
look like Candy Land!
And you can't stop me.
No. But he can.
Thomas, what the hell are you doing?
You can't side with him.
-He's not one of us.
-You made your bed, soldier.
Now you're gonna have
to sleep in it. Officer!
-Get him out of here.
-Hey, I'm not going anywhere.
Remember who stamps your paycheck.
-Are you resisting arrest?
-You're damned right I am!
Thank you.
This is for putting up with your bullshit.
And this
is for denying my kid's admission.
How affirmative is that action, bitch?
Corporal, those were about some of the
most outrageous tactics I've ever seen.
I'll be sure to note that
in my recommendation
for officer training school.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe I'll engage in a body shot.
I'm proud of you, Son.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Van, I'd like you to meet
Stephen Walker, my head of security.
Mr. Wilder, I'm hereby tendering
my resignation for this assignment.
Very good.
It's been the utmost pleasure
working with you, sir.
-Yeah.
-Great work, Steve.
I'll see you back
at the office, all right? Good.
-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah!
-So, what do you think?
-About what?
Oh, I think you've proven yourself here.
Wanna come to work with me?
Actually, I've been giving it
a lot of thought,
and I've decided to stay in school.
A smart man once told me that tradition
is something you just don't break.
Write that down.
Let's go.
-So, you wanna get out of here?
-And miss the party?
Trust me.
There'll be more.
Wait, where's that batti boy, Dirk?
Sir, I don't mean to alarm you,
but something's about to come up.
What do you mean, something's about...
-Stand down, Corporal!
-I can't.
Stand...
Remember when I said the best things
in life are worth waiting for?
-Yeah.
-I think I've waited long enough.
Van!
Van, what are you doing? Put that away.
You're insane. Not here.
Now, all this stuff
you've heard about Coolidge
not wanting to party
is a lot of doggy dung.
-Stand down.
-I can't.
I'm flanking your ass.
Do you have any poison?
-You're tearing it.
-Oh, my God.
I'm gonna need stitches.
With some testosterone-pumping,
pituitary-fucking Neanderthal,
well, then, they are 100...
Fuck me.
Fuck, that scared me!
-Let's fuck!
-That's weird. Okay.
Take her shirt off, grab the boob.
Cut!
It's a challenge to...
Now, I'm not saying
this is gonna be easy.
Some of us may fall,
so that all of us may ball.
Oh, easy there, easy.
Those are big, old colonel balls, honey.
This a new experience for you?
Yeah. I usually use my old balls.
Big old, colonel,
big, round, colonel balls.
Hey, when I'm off camera,
I'm just gonna show 'em my old balls!
You gotta admit, though,
this is kind of romantic.
Hey, watch those teeth.
Or take 'em out before you do anything.
Who's my big, bad boy?
-I'm your big, bad boy.
-There you go.
Oh, God. I haven't been this
uncomfortable since Catholic school.
''Feel good, yeah?'' Feels good.
That's how you'd say it,
but I say ''feels good.''
You know my spot, Lieutenant.
Holy shit! That thing pops!
College is a team.
It lives, eats, drinks, and if you're lucky,
humps, as a team.
I love the smell of gasoline
in the morning.
Yummy, yum, yeah.
You wanna go back to my house
and eat some yogurt
and watch Mean Girls?
Yeah, Mean Girls is all right,
but the guy in it sucks.
I think he's dreamy.
He scheduled me for guard duty.
What?
So, you wanna go back
to my house, grab a bottle of shiraz
-and maybe flip on The Hills?
-No. I hate those bitches.
He knew I was going to dinner
tonight with...
I think Brody Jenner's your competition
for Jaw Line of the Year.
I just... I'm gonna jerk off right here.
Pull it out,
and just jerk off right in front of you.
Is that okay?
You lick my dick 'cause you like taste.
Turn around, turn around.
You motherfucker, asshole dick-licker!
I've got 13 Going on 30.
I've seen it. I'll watch it again.
-Ruffalo's bomb.
-Yeah, he's awesome in that.
You asshole dick-licker!
Could be like this. You and me always.
What do you say, once we get loose,
we find a little pup tent
and fuck for a week?
Robert Levy's not paying me
enough to show my penis.
-Is that sweat?
-No, that's pre-cum.
You gotta eat dirt
before you drink champagne.
Sometimes you have got to stand up
as a man
before you can lie down with a woman.
You gotta get your guard on
before your hard-on.
Nothing? You know... Hold on a second.
Wait. Hold on.
What do you tell a woman
with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
Hand me your gun.
I can't quit you.
that has won every single honor
and award this school gives out.
That graduate,
our friend, is Van Wilder!
Standing here today,
I cannot help but wish I could stay
in high school forever.
I mean, there are
so many warm mammories...
Memories I have of this place.
But, you see, change, like life,
has a way of sneaking up on us.
When we least expect it, yeah.
Sure, the timing may seem
very, very bad,
but yet it feels good, so good,
to be graduating
with some of the sharpest minds
and swiftly darting tongues
that this school has to offer.
Listen to me ramble.
I am really giving you a mouthful.
But before I'm finished,
it is my extreme pleasure
to recognize someone who has aced
her oral exams,
who has always been head of the class,
graduating summa cum
laude. Our very own valedictorian.
Congratulations, graduates!
-Congratulations, Son.
-Thanks.
Now, let's get out of here.
The sooner we get to Amsterdam,
the sooner we won't be able
to remember it.
Yeah.
-You're not going to Amsterdam.
-I can't.
Sheik Mohammad is building
an island outside of Dubai.
And I'm gonna help him
import a million tons of sand.
It's a huge opportunity, Van.
Come on. You're gonna have
a great time without me.
Exploring nether regions
in the Netherlands
is not a bad way to spend
your summer before college.
I still don't know why I can't
just skip college and come work for you.
I mean, I know the business,
we could hang out...
Van, every Wilder man
has graduated from Coolidge.
It's tradition. And tradition
is something you just don't break.
I gotta run. Hey, have a great time,
do everything I wouldn't do,
and remember,
-''Banging, broke or blitzed...''
-''A Wilder never quits.''
Write that down.
Well, well. Look who just arrived.
Van, do you have
to go back to the college?
Come back to Amsterdam with us.
Dulia, Babette, I'm sorry, ladies,
but I must.
I've been waiting 30 years for this.
It's a little small, but I can work with it.
Van Wilder. I'm your new roommate.
All right. Farley.
Smoke?
Man, am I glad
we are roommates, man!
This place is a pimper's paradise.
I'm gonna make
some of my special brownies.
My God!
We've been invaded by Supercuts!
-Lieutenant Dirk Arnold, ROTC.
-Corporal Benedict, ROTC.
Van Wilder, WTF?
The Honorable Dean Charles Reardon
requests your presence immediately.
But I just put my slippers on.
Van Wilder, sir, as you ordered.
Return to your squad.
Well, well, Mr. Wilder.
Nice of you to join us.
Colonel Charles Reardon,
Dean, Coolidge College.
How's it hanging, Chuck?
You see these fine young men, Wilder?
These are Reardon's Raiders.
They've won every ROTC war game
for the past three years.
They're my pride and joy.
Good doggies.
I especially like your Chihuahua.
Lady Liberty is a purebred
Italian greyhound.
Actually, I was talking about that guy.
Arnold!
Secure Lady Liberty.
Let's you and me take a little ride, son.
Stay.
-Good dog.
-Get the lead out, Wilder!
You know, I went to school here
with your father.
He acted like he owned the place,
just 'cause his family's name
was on that building over there.
You know what that name
means to me?
About as much as titties on a mule, son.
I run this outfit now.
And while you're here,
you'll follow Reardon's Rules.
No drinking, no fornicating,
and no partying, period.
Or you'll be the first Wilder
who fails to graduate from Coolidge.
Now, do you follow me?
Yes, sir! You prefer your mules titless!
Let's get one thing straight, son.
I may not be able to kick you out of here
'cause of your daddy and his dough.
But you screw with me,
and I'll make it so you'll pray to leave.
Out.
I'm glad we had this talk.
Means there won't be
any problems in the future.
Party tonight, party tonight.
Party tonight, party tonight, thank you.
You smell that, Farley?
That's the smell of opportunity.
The smell of thousands of new girls.
The... Hello.
Van Wilder, Chairman
of Freshman Relations, self-appointed.
This is my partner, Farley Marley.
-Jah Rastafari.
-He's from Jamaica.
-Right.
-We're having a little
room-warming soiree tonight.
Nothing big, just a few hundred friends,
foam machine, nitrous, frappuccinos.
We would love it if you ladies came.
-A party?
-You're joking, right?
No!
It's okay.
Wow. This is embarrassing.
I can't believe nobody showed up.
Well, it's about time.
Party?
So, Yu Dum Fok! You came all the way
here from China.
Yes. Village I grow up in boring as shit.
No party. I dream of beer bong,
bimbos, and boob on my butt.
So, I work in sweatshop,
save money, come here.
Cannot even afford room,
have to sleep in janitor closet.
That's one of the most beautiful things
I've ever heard, Yu Dum Fok.
No offense to your ancestors,
but maybe we'll just call you Yu, Yu.
Van, how come no hot,
young, American cat?
Coolidge is number one party school!
Girls used to have hair?
I hate to break it to you, Yu,
but I don't think
that's the case anymore.
No party?
No beer bong?
-No boob on butt?
-No.
I go to janitor closet now.
Drink ''breach.''
Forget the ''breach.''
Boys, it's toga time.
Friends, Romans, grunting women,
lend me your beers.
Welcome.
Nice jugs.
They contain the sacred blood
of the lamb.
Do you wish to be purified?
We here for boob on butt.
Actually, I think we're lost.
Come with me. My sisters
will take care of your friends.
I'm not sure if you're aware,
but in the past few years
Coolidge has become a more
religious and conservative campus
than it used to be.
I'd better take these.
Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash.
At Coolidge, we're dry.
You know, science has made
incredible advancements
in personal lubrication.
You won't be needing these, either.
Orgasms are the deviI's heroin.
Just once, and you're hooked.
''O daughters of Jerusalem,
do not awaken love until it is ready.''
-Amen.
-Amen.
Song of Solomon, 8:4.
Let she who is without sin
grasp the first bone.
Wilder, 69.
Perhaps you and your friends
should look into a different school.
We have enough sinners here.
You wouldn't happen to have
their phone numbers, would you?
You have a very impure spirit.
There's a dark, wretched hole
waiting for you.
Okay, but you have to buy me
a drink first.
I think that can be arranged.
Now I know what a tampon feels like.
This is a complete fuckery,
you know, man.
No poom poom, no ganja.
Vampires for Jesus,
throwing blood on us?
-I can't take four years of this bullshit.
-We drink ''breach,'' get sent home.
Hey! No one's drinking ''breach!''
And no one's going home.
So what did you have in mind?
We shake things up a bit.
Why don't we just buy some?
Where's the fun in that?
This almost as good as boob on butt.
Say hello to my little friend.
Sorry.
Don't forget to floss.
Hi, Dirk. How's that big gun of yours?
-Hey, honeybear.
-Hey, honeybear!
Kaitlin. So nice you could make it.
We missed you in Bible study again.
-Hymnal?
-Whoa!
Nice arm, Jezebel.
-I believe this is yours.
-Thanks.
Van Wilder, hopeless romantic.
-Kaitlin Hayes.
-My girlfriend.
Well, it's nice to see there are
some Christians
who still do charity work.
Come on, Kaitlin, let's go.
Yeah, before all the good seats
are taken!
No, thanks. I brought my own.
Thank you.
Today, I wanna talk about
something that's all over this school,
and it isn't pencils, no.
And it isn't books. But it's sin.
S-I-N. Sin.
You know, it seems like they'll let just
about anybody in school these days.
Except Jesus.
And, you know, I took the time
to check Jesus' transcripts,
and I find out that Jesus has
a perfect GPA.
Yeah, that stands
for God Point Average.
Amen, amen.
-Amen.
-Amen.
But what is the number one sin
on campus today?
Quite plainly, it's sex.
-Sex.
-S-E-X.
-Sex.
-Sex.
Even as we're speaking,
the sinning is beginning. Amen!
-Amen.
-Amen.
Amen, sisters.
-Gentlemen, the Lord is...
-Hallelujah, sister!
...about to work in very...
-Hallelujah!
...mysterious ways.
-Hallelujah!
That's right, sisters.
I want you to feel the Lord inside you.
Because fornication, copulation
and the king of all sins, masturbation,
is happening all around us,
even at this very moment.
-Amen!
-Amen!
But we've got a secret because
we've got Jesus on our side.
Can I get an amen?
-Amen!
-Amen!
Amen, sisters!
Yes, they're feeling it right now!
They got the power of the Lord
deep down inside them.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Hallelujah, sister, hallelujah.
-Hallelujah!
-Hallelujah!
-I want each of you out there to pray.
-Amen.
Pray that you might be
feeling what they're feeling.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Yes, they're talking to the big guy.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Oh, the sisters are feeling
mighty good right now.
-Amen, sisters!
-Amen!
It's time for some tits and mass.
-Amen!
-Amen!
-Amen!
-Amen!
Amen, sisters!
That's what I'm talking about!
-Amen!
-Amen!
You might as well open up
your pearly gates, dear Lord.
'Cause these sisters are coming!
These sisters are coming!
These sisters are coming!
-Amen!
-Amen!
You know what these are?
You know what these are?
Yes, sir.
And I think experimentation
is healthy for any marriage.
You listen to me, funny man.
I can't prove it, but I know it was you.
And you can rest assured,
I will get to the bottom of this.
In this case, Chuck,
may I recommend some Vaseline.
You know, nowadays,
the Dean has much more influence
over a student's curriculum.
And I have got something special
in store for you.
Something to build character.
Something to make you a man.
-Left, left, left, left, left, left...
-Left, left, left, left, left, left...
I'm gonna take a stab in the dark
and say
that none of you signed up
for this, either.
Well, if they think
that we came to college
to waste our time playing soldier
to some slack-jawed, pituitary-pumping,
testosterone-tweaking Neanderthal,
then they...
Are 100% correct.
Attention! Straight line! Eyes forward!
I'm Corporal Hayes.
I will be your drill instructor.
It's my job to guide you
through your ROTC physical training,
which is required to graduate
from this institution.
Are there any questions?
Yes, soldier.
Do you, by chance, drill in private?
Well, Mr. Wilder, if you'd like,
I'm sure I can arrange for us to spend
a little one-on-one time together.
This a new experience for you?
Yeah.
I usually go electric.
Helps get those hard-to-reach spots.
Hilarious. I've met guys like you before.
The only person you care about
is yourself.
-Something funny?
-Yeah.
I just can't wait to prove you wrong.
We'll see.
Oh, and by the way, you missed a spot.
Enjoy.
I'm sorry. I ordered mine well-done.
I have better food in sweatshop.
Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu.
-What? I had the munchies.
-Well, look what we have here.
I haven't seen this many turds
since I won
that campus hot-dog eating contest.
Yeah, I haven't seen this many pansies
since I was picking flowers yesterday.
Remember, I was making
that arrangement, and the...
So how's the chow, ladies?
I give the presentation three stars,
I really do,
but the pseudo meat, it's a little dry.
-There you go. All better.
-Yum, yum, yum.
You know, I heard they were looking
for a few good men,
but I guess they'll take
whatever they can get.
-Hey, Dirk.
-Kaitlin! Hey, honeybear, hi!
What are you boys up to?
Well, we were just congratulating
these fine young soldiers here
on their first day of duty.
You know me, Lieutenant Friendly.
Lieutenant Friendly here even
volunteered to switch meals with me.
Oh, what a nice guy.
Yum, yum. That is so good.
How's yours, Dirk?
Oh, God.
Well, how was it?
Always leading by example.
-So, are we still going to the game?
-Oh, I...
You bet we are!
What game?
-There's a football game this weekend.
-Really?
These losers haven't won
a game in years.
Come on, it's not about winning
or losing.
It's about supporting your school.
You know what? You are so right, babe.
School spirit.
Okay, well I'm gonna get back to class.
Okay. Bye.
All right, guess what, queerbait?
You're officially on my bad side.
The team's a joke, but the concessions
will probably buy me a new Humvee.
Right.
I take bigger hits than these guys
for breakfast.
No, it's not the team's fault.
-You guys, come on!
-They've got no inspiration.
It looks like the cheerleaders are
asking for a little divine intervention.
I'll be right back.
Where you going, man?
To fix this.
I have never seen
such a sorry display in all my life.
I mean, where's the fire?
Where is the intensity?
And for God's sake,
where are the tight ends?
Your team needs you out there.
Okay, being a cheerleader isn't
about pigtails and pompoms.
It's about standing by your team,
even when they suck.
Especially when they suck.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Now, do you think you can do that?
-Yes.
-Yes.
Do you think you can give it
the old college try?
-Yes.
-Yes.
Do you think maybe, just maybe,
you can help those guys score?
-Yes!
-Yes!
That's what I'm talking about.
But first, we're gonna have
to make a few cuts.
Who knew our cheerleaders were hot?
Who knew our cheerleaders
were women?
Hey, guys.
The girls have done their part.
Now it's your turn.
Oh, and they said
that if you win this thing,
they're throwing you a victory party.
Victory party, guys. All right, let's go.
One, two, three...
-Coolidge!
-Coolidge!
Come on! I know you can do it, now.
I tell you,
I don't know whose idea it was,
but these cheerleaders are grinding it
harder than Juan Valdez.
What the...
Sweet Jesus!
Now, that's what I'm talking about!
Watch your head!
Guys, give me a ride.
Hey!
-School spirit?
-No, thanks.
How about a beer?
In a bottle.
I shouldn't be here.
Hey, wait up!
I'll walk you back to your dorm.
I'm sorry. I just... I can't afford to do
anything that might jeopardize
-getting into officer-training school.
-Understandable.
I must seem
like such a Goody Two-shoes.
No.
I was gonna say prude.
You know, you should read
The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
He say, ''All great warfare
is based on deception.
''Offer the enemy bait to lure him.
''Feign disorder and crush him.''
Or her.
He also says we cannot enter alliances
until we know the designs
of our neighbors. Good night.
You're not even going to let me
escort you to your room?
Now, what kind of a prude
would that make me?
Hey, where'd you come from?
Broke out of your little cage, huh?
What the hell?
Oh, my God.
You're my new best friend.
Here's to you.
Colossus.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Hi! Great party.
Don't thank me. Thank tequila.
What's up?
Found your pants.
Van, I took your advice about shaving
my excess body hair, and it worked.
She said I'd get laid tonight.
-What's her major?
-Pre-law.
-Get it in writing.
-Hey, Van.
Hey, guys, guys, guys,
I will get to all of you later, I promise.
Wow!
Hey, big man on campus.
-A blessing and a curse.
-Van! Van, I need your help.
-Calm down, Yu.
-I meet girl in class, ''berry'' sexy.
-Calm down, Yu.
-I meet girl in class, ''berry'' sexy.
So I say she beautiful.
She say, ''Get lost!''
So I say she smart. She say, ''Get lost!''
So I say, ''I know Van Wilder,''
and she say, ''Where your room?''
Things heating up,
but first I give her Connie ring ass.
-Connie who?
-Connie ring ass!
-Ring ass?
-Ring ass!
-Cunnilingus!
-Oh, right!
So next thing, she cry, she run out!
Show me what you did.
Jesus, man! You're lucky you didn't
send her to the fucking hospital.
Where did you learn that?
-Sex ''crass.''
-What sex ''crass''?
Now, sex is achieved when
a male's sin stick is in, on,
or in the same room as
a female's hell hole.
Now, no matter what the woman says,
the act of procreation should only last
for a few seconds.
And remember, if it feels good,
you're doing it wrong.
Professor Downs!
There's an emergency phone call.
-Your wife was in an accident.
-Tell her I'll call her later.
-And she totaled your Mustang.
-That bitch!
-Class, turn to pages 20 to 22 and...
-Hello.
Wake up!
My name is Professor Wilder.
I have BA, an MA and a PhD.
And I received a BJ from a double-D.
These are my teaching assistants.
Welcome to Sex 101.
This is hot.
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
This is not.
-No!
-No!
Hand?
Bad!
We call this maneuver ''flanking.''
Who can name this position?
-Yu.
-Glass Bottom Boat!
And this one.
Analingus!
-And that one.
-Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy.
Spraying Mantis.
Horny Dancer. Superman.
The Gizzard of Oz!
That's my favorite.
-Ladies.
-Hello, hands, meet the glans.
-And?
-Don't be daft, work the shaft.
-Guys.
-Don't be a twit, rub that clit.
You're learning!
Now, remember,
always practice safe sex.
But clean up after yourselves.
Condoms are like newspapers.
They may be filled
with important stuff now,
but you don't want them lying around
tomorrow morning.
Write that down.
Miss Hayes.
I'll let it slide this time,
but if you plan on being teacher's pet
-you really should stay after class.
-Class?
You're kidding, right?
Nothing from that soft-core seminar
would actually work in real life.
Okay, I give you tongue if you like.
The point is you put on
a disgusting display of vulgar anatomy,
crude stereotypes and dirty limericks.
Which you took copious notes on.
This is all a game to you.
It's a lot of smooth talk, and then it's
wham, bam, thank you, Van.
Well, my father taught me,
if it's something worth doing,
it's worth doing right.
Well, my father taught me
that the best things in life
are worth waiting for.
-Wait.
-Catch you later, teach.
Van! Van! Okay, thank you, thank you.
-I'm Yu.
-I'm Dongmei.
You know, I am not sure what it is,
but there is something in the air tonight.
Something called...
Love, girl.
See, that's what the reggae music
is all about.
Love and...
Shrimp?
Look at those.
Flamethrowers! Use the flamethrowers!
Permission to come inside, sir?
Kaitlin, you look like a...
Tramp!
That's what I feel like sometimes.
I mean, I know she has a boyfriend,
but it's like...
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be boring you with all this.
Here. I have a little surprise for us.
Sweet and sour.
Ready, aim, fire!
Kaitlin, what's gotten into you?
Let's just say I learned
a few things in class today.
Kaitlin, I need my energy.
I have to pass
that obstacle course in the morning.
I'll give you an obstacle.
Don't.
I am so glad you weren't busy tonight.
Go ahead.
God.
Put some of Professor Van's
methods to the test last night?
You wish. What about you?
I figured you'd be in Wilder Hall
sucking beers with Susie Sorority.
Travel books.
I always had you pegged
as more of a Soldier of Fortune girl.
Traveling's one of the reasons
why I wanna be in the military.
To see the world.
You know, there are vacations
that don't involve machine guns.
Oh, right.
Spring break in Mexico,
winters in the Caribbean.
You probably spent summer
in Amsterdam.
I think it's important to familiarize
oneself with international tongues.
-Life's just one big party, isn't it?
-Why shouldn't it be?
Last time I checked,
we only go around once, right?
Unless you believe in reincarnation.
In that case, I wanna come back
as a ThighMaster.
What?
Hey! Wait up!
You know, you could be
a great leader if you just learned
how to follow orders first.
Not a big fan
of authority figures, actually.
-Someone has father issues.
-That makes two of us.
-Excuse me?
-Come on.
The whole military routine,
the tough exterior.
You don't know anything
about my father or me.
-You just see a uniform and...
-You just see a name on a building.
Well, why don't you surprise me?
All right. First of all,
I've never even been in Wilder Hall.
And secondly,
for someone who's so big on rules,
here it is.
''Student undergarments should be
as modest
''and unrevealing as possible.''
-So?
-So my sixth sense is telling me...
-You're a thong girl.
-What? No, I'm not.
-My sixth sense does not lie.
-Well, it does this time.
And in the future,
you might want to keep it,
and the rest of your senses to yourself.
Some things are private, Private.
Corporal, I think it's time we take things
to the next level.
I have waited so long
to hear you say that.
-What?
-Nothing, I...
Eve! Jesus, you almost scared
the courage out of me.
Hey, Dirk, I was just wondering
if you could help me.
-With what?
-I need to talk to God.
So go talk to him. I'm busy.
I need to feel him inside of me.
Don't you wanna help me find God?
-Listen. I don't know what you're on...
-Just fuck me!
Get away from me, devil woman!
-Dirk!
-Faster!
You get back here!
Yes, I bought you toilet paper.
No, it's not quilted. Golly!
I won't ask if you don't tell?
What the... Hey, put me down!
Is this where you bring all the boys?
Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian.
You like cracking your jokes,
throwing your little parties,
sticking your tongue
in other people's property?
Can someone get this guy a Tic Tac?
Well, I got news for you, Mr. Cool Guy,
Mr. Rock 'n' Roll, Mr. Hot Crotch!
Your party-boy bullshit
has no place here at Coolidge.
And you're about to find out
the hard way.
I wanna watch!
This should teach you
not to mess with my girl.
Hold him!
Come on, Wilder. Drink up!
Had enough?
You wouldn't happen to have
a pale ale on tap, would you?
Screw it.
How your face feel?
Like a punching bag.
Maybe you should find another girl.
No, it's not just the girl, Farley.
Dirk and Reardon and all the rest
of those Cro-Magnon crotch diggers
need to learn they can't run
this place like Guantanamo U.
Oh, man! Who's been feeding
that dog corn again?
Farley, get some gloves.
All right, girls!
This is covert ops! I want it by the book!
Now camo up! Let's go!
-Sir, yes, sir!
-Sir, yes, sir!
-Jesus, it smells.
-Come on! Faster! Move! Yeah!
Put it on!
Mother of God!
Sir, he's right. It smells like...
What do you want it
to smell like? Roses?
Put it on!
All right, troops, one mile left.
Double time! Let's go!
-What happened to your face?
-I ran into a tool.
Oh, Dirk!
Not now, honeybear,
we're in the middle of covert ops!
-What's that smell?
-That smell?
-Yeah.
-It's the smell of war!
Well, it smells like crap.
-Is that corn?
-Back to base showers now!
Ran into a tool, huh?
-Wilder is dead!
-Dirk, what are you doing here?
-It's against the rules.
-I don't care about the rules.
-Now you sound like Van.
-No. No, no, no.
Don't you dare say that name to me!
I don't even wanna...
I don't even wanna hear that name!
-Dirk, calm down.
-You're forbidden to see him again.
Excuse me?
You can't tell me who to see.
Oh, you heard me, Corporal.
I don't want you to see him.
You don't talk to him. Period!
Or what? You'll beat him up again?
He's not one of us, Kaitlin!
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Well, then, I don't wanna be one of us,
either. Get out, Dirk!
Wait, what? You can't break up with me.
We have cuddle-wuddle time
at 2100 hours.
Cuddle your gun.
Oh, and you can keep
Major McHuggles!
Where are the others?
Just you and me today, soldier.
Figured you need
a little one-on-one training.
You have 10 minutes to run the course.
Let's see if you can keep up.
Care to make it interesting?
If I win, you have to let me take you out.
Nothing sexual,
just a tour around campus.
And if you don't?
I'll do latrine duty for a month.
-You're on.
-Great. When do I start?
You already have.
You're running out of time!
I can't. I don't have any...
Come on. You have 10 seconds.
Ten, nine, eight...
Hey, Wilder!
Do you want this, or what?
I knew you had it in you.
Piece of cake.
Let me know if you find my right testicle.
Come on, milk dud.
I'll buy you an ice cream.
Mother!
All right.
Look at 'em, Lieutenant.
Morons, listening to their retard rock.
Horn dogs, tongue-dancing,
like cousins in a closet.
You see what's happening down there,
don't you?
Chaos, anarchy, ironic T-shirts.
I'm losing control, damn it,
and I refuse to let that happen.
Do you know who's behind it, sir?
I know who's behind it, all right.
It's that same rooster that's been
sniffing around your hen house.
Looks like somebody
needs another beating!
Forget it.
Beating him up is like beating off.
It might feel good doing it,
but in the end,
we're just standing there
with our dicks in our hands.
-No. We need something more.
-I could...
Beat up his roommate, sir.
God damn it, boy. You stupid?
Wait a minute.
Isn't his roommate that pothead?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Lieutenant, I have got an idea.
Milady, your chariot awaits.
-How did you get this?
-Chuck lent it to me.
We go way back.
Thanks.
This is incredible.
You said you always
wanted to see the world.
I thought we'd start with the tropics.
Oh, I almost forgot,
the most important part.
-What is it?
-It's my own concoction.
-I call it the amputated leg.
-Why?
'Cause if you have more
than one, you're flat on your ass.
Christ! Look at this place.
It's like a homo's paradise.
-You want a cosmo?
-Put that down! Put it down!
Get over here! Stupid ass.
You have the stuff?
You have no idea
where I had to hide this.
Put it over there in that plant thingy.
Technically, that's a variegated ficus.
It really...
Yes, hello. I'd like to report
the possession
of some illegal narcotics.
I can't believe I'm doing this,
blowing off my homework,
drinking and riding
in a stolen vehicle, no less.
God bless America.
You know, what you've done here,
it's pretty great.
Well, Farley's the one
who scooped out the pineapple.
Shut up. I mean here, this, Coolidge.
I don't know. People seem happier.
That's because
they're thinking for themselves.
They don't have some father figure
telling them what to do.
Oh, back to the father issues.
You know a little bit about mine.
-What about yours?
-Well, let's see.
My father's a sergeant.
His father was a sergeant.
He always wanted a son
who was an officer.
Guess I'm just trying to get it half right.
Yeah, but the real question is,
is this what makes you happy?
Family makes me happy. Tradition.
Tradition is something that keeps
greeting-card companies in business.
I think at some point you gotta say,
''I'm gonna do what I wanna do, Dad.
''So quit busting my balls.''
Yeah, I'll be sure to mention that when
I have dinner with him this weekend.
You might wanna leave out
the balls part.
We should have a toast.
-To Coolidge.
-To you.
To us.
Shall I take you home?
Actually, there's something
that I've heard about
that I've been dying to see.
My God, it's huge.
Well, Farley and I both live here.
Yu uses the hot tub.
I think this is the bigger than some of
the military housing I grew up in.
I think it's a lot like me.
Simple yet elegant. Coarse but refined,
and it could definitely use a woman's
touch.
I've always wanted to do that.
The amputated leg strikes again.
-Are your roommates around?
-I sent them to the movies.
-So they'll be back soon.
-I sent them to all the movies.
That's good.
With Dirk, I always felt like someone
was gonna break down the door.
Don't move!
Search the place.
Are you in some kind of trouble?
Either that, or the library has seriously
changed its overdue-book policy.
We got an anonymous tip
that there are some illegal narcotics
being hidden in the plant thingy.
There's nothing in the bag.
It's empty, sir.
False alarm.
You kids have a nice evening.
Oh, and don't forget to wrap it up.
What just happened?
What wrong with Colossus?
Damn, yo, that dog is mad blazed.
He must've eaten a whole pound.
Hey, don't be lookin' at me, man.
I keep my stuff right here.
Hydroponic.
You know,
messing with me is one thing,
but nobody screws my pooch.
It's Dirk. It's gotta be.
He's trying to get even with me
for breaking up with him.
You two broke up?
Sorry to hear that.
I just can't believe he'd go this far.
I don't think he did.
I think old Dirky boy's playing
Vanna to someone else's Sajak.
And now it's our turn to spin the wheel.
What do you mean, he wasn't arrested?
We didn't find any drugs.
Officer, can you tell me why,
at such a fine institute
of higher learning,
I'm surrounded by idiots?
-It's time for your massage, sir.
-Send them in.
Get out. You're incompetent.
One? I usually have two girls.
Me no disappoint.
Holy Schwarzkopf.
Oh, yeah.
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!
Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!
Hello. Is this Mrs. Reardon?
Big, strong Gl.
You know, you Charlie ain't so bad.
Shame we had to beat you in 'Nam.
-You want happy ending?
-Does an Arab shit in the sand?
-What's this?
-Not polite to watch, only to feel.
Why your soldier not stand at attention?
It will, it will.
Very good.
This is something you'll like very much!
I cannot wait very much.
Yeah.
Your soldier stand at attention now.
-You likey, likey?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-You ready for mouth massage?
-Bring it on.
Here it come.
Easy there, easy there.
-Feel good?
-Watch it.
Watch Huck and Buck, there.
No touching.
That feels good.
That is so hot.
Charles!
So dirty.
I promise I will never make you
do anything like that ever again.
Given the events of this afternoon,
there is only one thing
in the world that I want.
-A rabies shot, sir?
-No, God damn it!
I want Wilder.
He's turned my wife against me,
my school against me,
he even turned my dog against me.
Wish we could just kick him out!
There's gotta be some way
I could just force him to leave.
Oh, I would love to see the look
on his dad's face
when he finds out his son is expelled.
I would love to see the look
on Kaitlin's dad's face
when he realizes
that his daughter's new boyfriend
isn't joining the Army.
Will you shut the hell...
-Whose dad?
-Kaitlin's.
Lieutenant! I've got it.
We are gonna finish Wilder.
-And your former squeeze, too.
-Yes, sir!
In order to do that,
I have a very important mission for you.
I need you to find me some skanks.
Well, I'm sorry Kaitlin,
but it's your turn for guard duty.
No more special treatment.
Nothing personal, Corporal.
Just be there.
It's set. You think you can get
your friends to go along?
They'll do whatever I tell them to do.
Awesome.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, Satan!
What? What are you doing? Don't stop!
Out of ammo.
Hand me your gun!
Ten-hut!
I taught him that.
What's wrong?
It's Dirk.
He knew I was going to dinner tonight
with my father,
and he deliberately
scheduled me for guard duty.
So don't go.
Van, guard duty isn't something
you can just shrug off.
If you miss it, or screw up,
it can ruin your career. It's serious.
Which is exactly how the boys
and I will treat it.
-You're gonna do it?
-Hey, I know it's not toilets,
but I think I can handle it.
What, don't you trust me?
I trust you.
But we have dates tonight! Hot ones!
Irving, trust me.
That sucking action is not realistic,
no matter what it says on the box.
I mean real dates this time, Van!
Hot ones.
-Human females?
-Hot ones.
Tell you what. They can come along.
Yes! Up, up, down, down, left,
right, left, right, B, A, start!
Now, what exactly are we guarding?
You will not get inside
Colonel Reardon's Humvee.
You do not touch the Humvee.
You do not look at the Humvee.
Then how are we supposed
to guard them?
You do not look at the Humvee!
Now,
this guard duty better come out
smooth as a bran muffin shit,
or somebody's gonna have their ass
handed to 'em.
Any questions?
Will you be the one
doing the ass handling?
Don't worry, Wilder. Yours is coming.
I am really starting to like that guy.
-So, how's college?
-It's great.
I'm taking a lot of interesting courses.
Military history, psychology...
You know, Dirk called me the other day.
Said you had broken up with him.
Yeah, well,
I met somebody else.
He a military man?
He respects the military.
Ladies.
Irving! You invited the ''dick'' girls?
This is a bad idea.
Van, don't be such a dork.
Howdy, heathen.
Well, honey, with school and Dirk,
and everything that's been
going on around here,
I just wanna know one thing. Are you...
-Yes, Dad. I'm happy.
-That's great.
But are you still on track
for officer training school?
Listen, guys.
Maybe we should slow down
just a little bit.
I am Mars, god of war!
Who amongst you shall engage
in body shots?
Hey, soldier! Wanna fuck?
No. Thank you.
I do anal.
Corporal Hayes.
As you were, as you were.
I was on the other side
of the restaurant. I didn't see you.
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
The pleasure's all mine, Sergeant.
I didn't realize Miss Hayes
came from such good stock.
Well, hopefully she will climb
a bit higher up the ladder than I did, sir.
I have no doubt, Sergeant.
Kaitlin is officer material all the way.
Her record is flawless.
Say, you're about done here.
I was just heading back to the base.
Would you like a tour? You could see
your daughter's unit in action.
I don't think that's such a good idea.
-I'd love to, sir.
-Dad!
I'm really proud of you. Love to see it.
Come on. Show off for your old man.
Let's go.
-Please?
-Okay.
-You're gonna enjoy this.
-Thank you, sir.
Oh, you know what? I forgot my purse,
so I'll meet you outside, okay?
-All right.
-Okay.
You know what I wanna do to you?
Leave me alone permanently?
Hey, watch that! Hey, stop... Hey!
No means no.
Come on, Van. Pick up.
Miss Hayes.
Shall we?
You're about to be very proud
about what you'll see.
What in God's name...
Kaitlin, this is your unit?
For the last time, no!
Van?
You must be Kaitlin's father.
Corporal Hayes, I thought you were
a better leader than this.
I thought you were officer material.
Do you understand
what the consequences of this will be?
-Colonel Reardon, I...
-She will accept
any punishment you deem fit, sir.
Wait. I can explain.
Kaitlin, let me explain.
-That a boy, Dirk.
-My pleasure, sir.
Let's go, Kaitlin.
Now.
You're disgusting.
Call me.
You realize it's my duty
to make a report of this.
Gonna put a pretty big stain
on her pretty little record.
But it's about time you learn there are
some people you don't fuck with.
What do you want from me?
Isn't it obvious?
I want you gone, out, quit.
Running home to Daddy
with your tail between your legs.
What if I say no?
Well, then I guess Miss Hayes'
military career will be coming
to a rather premature and ignoble end.
Tell you what.
Having some people over
for dinner tomorrow night
to discuss our annual war games.
Why don't you give me
your decision then?
Good seeing you.
A Wilder never quits.
So I said, ''I've got some
affirmative action for you.
''I can affirm that your dumbass kid
won't be getting
''any action at my school.''
Yo!
Cap'n Crunch!
I've made my decision.
I've decided we should settle this,
once and for all.
Like men. No more sneaking,
no more backstabbing.
Let's just get it all right out in the open.
I'm sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.
You've got a problem with my father,
a problem with my name,
and that's too bad.
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit around and let you
and your little peons
flush this school down the toilet
and hurt the people I care about,
because, even though you dragged her
into this,
this has never really been
about Kaitlin, who,
on her worst day, will be a better officer
than you ever were.
That girI's got bigger balls than you, me,
and my freakish dog combined.
I have had enough
of these little games, Wilder.
Get out.
Games?
You wanna play games?
How about
one of your precious little war games?
Loser leaves Coolidge. For good.
What do you think about that?
I think you're in
for an old-fashioned ass-kicking, son.
If I was your son, I'd kick my own ass.
I'm sorry.
You're finished, Wilder. Finished.
Miss Hayes,
in light of Mr. Wilder's behavior
I am going to remove
last night's incident from your record,
and I am giving you
my official recommendation
for officer training school.
Thank you, sir.
But I'm afraid I'll have to decline.
The officer training school
only accepts those who have
received the most honorable training.
Your name on my recommendation
would render me ineligible.
In other words, sir, go fuck yourself!
Kaitlin!
Kaitlin.
I blew it, Dad. I'm so sorry.
-He's right.
-What?
Kaitlin, I wanted you to be a soldier.
I still do.
But if getting there means having
to march in a line that's crooked,
then it ain't worth a damn.
You don't join the Army to follow.
You join it to lead.
And the only way to lead
is to do what's right.
That's my girl.
None of this is gonna work.
We need a man who actually knows
what the hell he's doing.
How about a woman?
Kaitlin, I swear to God,
I never touched her.
Okay? It was man rape.
Save it. I only wanna know one thing.
Are you ready to enter an alliance,
neighbor?
It seems he is.
Okay, enough of the soft stuff.
Reardon's got us outnumbered
five to one,
so there's no way
we can take him head on.
We're gonna fight him
on our own terms.
What do we do?
We do the only thing you guys
know how to do. We have fun.
Anyone who loses an armband
will be considered captured.
Whoever captures
the other team's general wins.
Reardon's Raiders, who's your general?
Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir!
Your team will wear the yellow bands.
Team Maverick, who's your general?
That would be me.
How's it hanging, Chuck? You miss me?
Hey.
Your team will wear the orange bands.
The game begins
when you hear the siren.
I hope you're prepared, gentlemen.
Someone's going home today.
All right, let's listen up.
First squad, take the left flank,
past the lake. Second squad, right flank.
Third squad, head on.
And our recon team,
well, let's just say
they have a head start.
Lieutenant Arnold will stay with me.
Corporal Benedict,
you'll guard the Humvee.
All right, men, there's the siren.
Now, let's get these bastards!
-Raiders!
-Raiders!
Colonel, we got recon
on the radio for you.
Recon, report. Can you see their base?
-I have a visual, sir.
-What's going on?
-Shots, sir.
-Jesus Christ, they're firing at us?
No, sir. Jell-O shots.
I repeat, Jell-O shots.
They've got the blast!
-They've got explosives?
-No, sir.
The Jell-O shots with a blueberry blast.
It's my favorite, sir.
What the hell's he talking about?
Sounds like they're having a goddamn...
Party!
So, where did all this sand come from?
Thank Sheik Mohammad.
Who?
-How we doing?
-We're up.
Give Reardon the feed.
Recon report.
Sir. Something's happening
with the monitor.
Testing, testing, check, check, hello.
I'm sorry, they can't come
to the phone right now.
Would you like to leave a message?
How the hell did you eliminate my men?
Chuck, "eliminate" is such an ugly word.
Van Wilder rules!
You tell first squad to move in.
And have Benedict on standby
with my Humvee.
Corporal Benedict!
Yes, sir!
Stand by for deployment.
Yes, sir.
You heard him!
Stand by for deployment!
That way!
Hey, guys!
Come skinny-dipping!
What the hell?
I seen this in a porno once.
-Have you seen this before?
-Don't be scared.
Jump in, baby.
Wait for me!
First squad, report! Report, damn it!
Sorry about your troops, Chuck,
but they decided to make love,
not war.
Son of a bitch.
Gotta conga.
Hello!
-Sir, we found their general.
-I hooked myself into a sand trap.
Well, don't just stand there,
capture him, you jackass!
Grab him!
Give me the armband, General.
I told you it was a sand trap.
Ladies.
I still got it.
Well, did they get him?
Not exactly.
-Permission to get angry, sir.
-Denied.
Denied!
Wet your whistle?
Where the hell is third squad?
They should've been there by now.
Hey, Chuck! I just wanna let you know,
third squad took a little detour.
God damn you, Wilder!
Well, what are you doing
just standing there?
Why don't you pussies get out there
and get me Van Wilder?
-Go!
-Get out there! Move! Move!
I can't feel my hair anymore, man.
That means it's working.
I wouldn't go any farther if I were you.
Yeah, who's gonna stop us? You?
Exactly.
Is that all you've got?
-I'll go after them, sir.
-No!
Get me Corporal Benedict.
We'll take the Humvee
and run right over 'em.
You're a genius.
Corporal Benedict.
Corporal Benedict!
Dirk, have I ever told you
I love you, man?
We all love you. Yeah!
-What?
-It's so soft, sir.
Have you felt the helmets?
Rub your helmet with me, it's so soft.
You fucking fruitcake!
-What was that?
-Don't ask, don't tell.
Okay, Chuck. We got your boys.
Why don't you and little Dirky
surrender and join the party?
Never. Surrender? Surrender?
I'd rather see my uncle naked again.
It was an accident.
If you want me, Wilder,
you have to come and get me.
-Shall we?
-Let's.
Get out there and stop them! Now! Go!
He's a little pissant!
Let me go with you.
Sorry, Dad, but this is one fight
I need to finish on my own.
-Go get him.
-Let's do it.
There's the base!
Kaitlin.
I knew you'd come back for me.
What do you say? I go high, you go low?
No. This asshole's all mine. Go.
-You sure?
-Yep, I got it.
Come to papa, honeybear.
You got nothin'.
-I could do this all day.
-That'd be a first.
Your hair smells really nice.
What is that, Essence of Traitor?
-Not so fast.
-Chuck.
Get up.
Hot stuff.
You smell good.
Wish you fought this hard
in the bedroom.
See, this is why women will never
make it in the military.
You got nothing between your legs.
Shit!
Yeah? Well, that makes two of us,
honeybear.
Nice BB gun.
I got one just like it at home.
Maybe not.
Let me tell you what's wrong
with you Wilders.
You think you can change the world
just because people like you.
Well, here's a tip, son,
people are like cockroaches.
You crush a few, the rest will scatter.
-I'm sorry, what? I was texting.
-Funny.
-I'm sorry, what? I was texting.
-Funny.
But the last laugh is mine.
God damn dog!
Like I said, nobody screws my pooch.
Sit!
Good boy.
Orange team wins!
Wilder, this isn't over.
And if you think I'm quitting,
you are screwed in the head.
Hey! Listen up! I am doubling security!
And I am rewriting the rule book!
I'm gonna make the old Coolidge
look like Candy Land!
And you can't stop me.
No. But he can.
Thomas, what the hell are you doing?
You can't side with him.
-He's not one of us.
-You made your bed, soldier.
Now you're gonna have
to sleep in it. Officer!
-Get him out of here.
-Hey, I'm not going anywhere.
Remember who stamps your paycheck.
-Are you resisting arrest?
-You're damned right I am!
Thank you.
This is for putting up with your bullshit.
And this
is for denying my kid's admission.
How affirmative is that action, bitch?
Corporal, those were about some of the
most outrageous tactics I've ever seen.
I'll be sure to note that
in my recommendation
for officer training school.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe I'll engage in a body shot.
I'm proud of you, Son.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Van, I'd like you to meet
Stephen Walker, my head of security.
Mr. Wilder, I'm hereby tendering
my resignation for this assignment.
Very good.
It's been the utmost pleasure
working with you, sir.
-Yeah.
-Great work, Steve.
I'll see you back
at the office, all right? Good.
-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah!
-So, what do you think?
-About what?
Oh, I think you've proven yourself here.
Wanna come to work with me?
Actually, I've been giving it
a lot of thought,
and I've decided to stay in school.
A smart man once told me that tradition
is something you just don't break.
Write that down.
Let's go.
-So, you wanna get out of here?
-And miss the party?
Trust me.
There'll be more.
Wait, where's that batti boy, Dirk?
Sir, I don't mean to alarm you,
but something's about to come up.
What do you mean, something's about...
-Stand down, Corporal!
-I can't.
Stand...
Remember when I said the best things
in life are worth waiting for?
-Yeah.
-I think I've waited long enough.
Van!
Van, what are you doing? Put that away.
You're insane. Not here.
Now, all this stuff
you've heard about Coolidge
not wanting to party
is a lot of doggy dung.
-Stand down.
-I can't.
I'm flanking your ass.
Do you have any poison?
-You're tearing it.
-Oh, my God.
I'm gonna need stitches.
With some testosterone-pumping,
pituitary-fucking Neanderthal,
well, then, they are 100...
Fuck me.
Fuck, that scared me!
-Let's fuck!
-That's weird. Okay.
Take her shirt off, grab the boob.
Cut!
It's a challenge to...
Now, I'm not saying
this is gonna be easy.
Some of us may fall,
so that all of us may ball.
Oh, easy there, easy.
Those are big, old colonel balls, honey.
This a new experience for you?
Yeah. I usually use my old balls.
Big old, colonel,
big, round, colonel balls.
Hey, when I'm off camera,
I'm just gonna show 'em my old balls!
You gotta admit, though,
this is kind of romantic.
Hey, watch those teeth.
Or take 'em out before you do anything.
Who's my big, bad boy?
-I'm your big, bad boy.
-There you go.
Oh, God. I haven't been this
uncomfortable since Catholic school.
''Feel good, yeah?'' Feels good.
That's how you'd say it,
but I say ''feels good.''
You know my spot, Lieutenant.
Holy shit! That thing pops!
College is a team.
It lives, eats, drinks, and if you're lucky,
humps, as a team.
I love the smell of gasoline
in the morning.
Yummy, yum, yeah.
You wanna go back to my house
and eat some yogurt
and watch Mean Girls?
Yeah, Mean Girls is all right,
but the guy in it sucks.
I think he's dreamy.
He scheduled me for guard duty.
What?
So, you wanna go back
to my house, grab a bottle of shiraz
-and maybe flip on The Hills?
-No. I hate those bitches.
He knew I was going to dinner
tonight with...
I think Brody Jenner's your competition
for Jaw Line of the Year.
I just... I'm gonna jerk off right here.
Pull it out,
and just jerk off right in front of you.
Is that okay?
You lick my dick 'cause you like taste.
Turn around, turn around.
You motherfucker, asshole dick-licker!
I've got 13 Going on 30.
I've seen it. I'll watch it again.
-Ruffalo's bomb.
-Yeah, he's awesome in that.
You asshole dick-licker!
Could be like this. You and me always.
What do you say, once we get loose,
we find a little pup tent
and fuck for a week?
Robert Levy's not paying me
enough to show my penis.
-Is that sweat?
-No, that's pre-cum.
You gotta eat dirt
before you drink champagne.
Sometimes you have got to stand up
as a man
before you can lie down with a woman.
You gotta get your guard on
before your hard-on.
Nothing? You know... Hold on a second.
Wait. Hold on.
What do you tell a woman
with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
Hand me your gun.
I can't quit you.