Vice Versa (1988) Movie Script
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Morning, Angela.
- Morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Charlie, let's go!
- Is Dad coming tonight, Mom?
- I left a message on his machine.
- Call him again. Sometimes he forgets.
- See you, Cliff.
- See you.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye.
Sam, I have to get budget approval
for this South China Seas thing.
That means we have
to go over your wish list.
Not now. I'm looking at furs at 10. I've
got menswear people in from Atlanta.
Where were you this morning?
I woke up and you'd gone.
I told you I had my exercise class.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Morning, Sam.
- Hi, Sam.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Yo, Marshall.
I hear he's taking Sam
on this Far East junket.
She's a fashion buyer.
She's a logical choice.
So the fact that he's boffing her
has nothing to do with it?
- I said she's a logical choice.
- Oh, cute. Cute.
Confirm lunch with Davidson.
He's from L.A. Better make it sushi.
I'm going to my kid's concert.
You gotta have me out of here by 5.
Good morning.
Unbelievable.
Sorry.
- See you later.
- Bye. Yeah.
- Charlie.
- Hi, Dad.
Charlie, what can I say?
You can't believe the problems I had.
When I get back from my trip,
you're staying with me?
- Yeah.
- When Mom's on vacation?
Charlie, I'm gonna make
it up to you. I swear.
That's okay, Dad.
We've played better.
I guess I'll just have
to buy the album.
Hi. Come on, Charlie. If we're
gonna get a pizza, we gotta move it.
Let's go, Charlie.
My friends, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome, Mr. Seymour, Miss Crespi,
to Thailand.
We hope you love our country...
...and buy so many things
to take back to America.
- Cheers.
- Cheers. Thank you.
Mr. Turk, long time. Long time.
If this business doesn't kill me, the
stairs will. I hope the climb's won'th it.
- Same old Mr. Turk.
- Right.
- You look good.
- Yeah, a regular movie star.
What do you got for me?
Always business first, huh, Mr. Turk?
- What's with Imelda?
- Nothing. Old Lady. Superstitious.
- It's real gold.
- Yes.
Very rare. From Tibet.
The lamas believe in reincarnation.
They use it in religious ceremonies
to change the house of spirit.
Don't try to up the ante with that tourist
bullshit, Kwo. Five grand.
Five thousand dollars?
Pure gold! Precious stone!
I think in America you get $ 100,000.
You know how many payoffs
I gotta make to get this to America?
Thais come down harder on art lovers
like me than they do on dope dealers.
Five grand. Take it or leave it.
What did you say?
I tell him this one's fragile,
so take great care.
Hey, I want this to go
with the rest of the samples. $ 1.50.
I bought all the guy had.
The store puts a lampshade on this...
...retails for, what, 75, 80?
Nothing like a 600-percent markup
to put a smile on your face.
- These will be on our flight tomorrow?
- Yes. Government deal.
- No problem with customs.
- Okay, I'd like this to go too, please.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Excuse me. Incredibly sorry.
Where did they come from? They
werert there when I went to the phone.
You've been gone
for a half an hour, Marshall.
I swear to God, that's it for work.
How are the drinks?
Look at you. You're lethal, right?
Can we have a couple more of these?
I have plans for tonight.
Tonight, we'll experience the wonder
of Marshall Seymour in the Orient.
I promise.
If you don't, I'm gonna show
everyone this at work.
- No, you're not. I don't think so.
- I think so.
I don't think you will. No.
- Why don't I take one of the two of you.
- Great.
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
That's great.
- Where you from, New York?
- England.
Fernando in Milan will flip
when he sees these.
They're woven, not printed, so he can
design a range of V & A exclusives...
...and we can make them up
in Bangkok.
Sorry I'm late, Mr. Avery. I've been
busy putting everything together.
- One of your happy snaps, Marshall?
- Give me that, Floyd.
- May I see?
- Sure.
Just a rare moment of leisure, sir.
We had to eat!
If you ever go, sir,
I recommend the Drunken Fish.
As long as the trip wasrt
entirely pleasurable.
Since you left...
...there have been strong doubts about
your South China Seas promotion.
I can imagine.
At the moment, there is a complete
uniformity of approach...
...to marketing in this city.
Our competition is selling the same
merchandise we are in the same way.
This Eastern concept is exotic,
provocative, exciting.
- Passion.
- As I've said before...
...we have to make sure our marketing
strategy is more aggressive...
...more imaginative
than the other guys'.
With this in mind...
...I think you'll see we've made
very exciting acquisitions on our trip.
Let me show you this little sucker.
I'm estimating a profit
of six to 700 percent.
That's why I bought 5000 of them.
You bought how many?
Could I speak to Mr. Seymour, please?
Mr. Marshall Seymour.
Yes, of course I'll hold.
You are unbelievable.
I know people who'd pay a fortune
for this and you send it to Chicago.
Couldrt you find a mule
coming to New York?
What did you expect? An ad in the
Bangkok Post: "Smugglers Wanted"?
It was sloppy to use a civilian.
Mr. Seymour...
...Lillian Brookmeyer. I believe we were
on the same flight from Bangkok.
And there seems to have been
a terrible mix-up.
I seem to have this darling
blue and white ginger jar...
...and I wonder if you have
something of mine.
Don't ask me how it happened. It's
fortunate I'll be in Chicago tomorrow...
Monday would be fine. Yes.
At your office? Look forward to it.
- Look forward to Chicago in December?
- Come on, it's in the U.S.
- Monday, it's ours. No problem.
- You think so?
Credit me with some intelligence.
On what basis?
Major, major, major dork.
Attention K-Mart shoppers:
This offer cannot be repeated.
Dooley, who you got?
I got Blackhawks and Whalers,
Van Halen at the Civic, and Malice.
- Can you get tickets for Wang Chung?
- Sure.
- Get me two for Malice.
- Two? Who you taking? Lori?
I don't go out with boys.
Will your dad let you go?
I'll get him to take me.
He owes me one.
I can hear you people
in the parking lot. Dooley, get out!
Out! You're not scalping tickets
in my classroom.
Sit down! Take off that headset
and give me that filthy magazine.
Go, Charlie!
Yes, yes! Come on, come on!
Go, go, go, Charlie!
Come on, touchdown!
All right! All right!
You're really sparking them, Charlie.
All right, touchdown!
Hi, guys.
- Come on.
- Let's go. We can afford them now.
- Over here! Over here!
- Get the ball!
- I got them!
- Run! Run!
- Quick, throw it!
- I'm open. Open.
- Who's that?
- My dad.
- I'm sorry about that, Marshall.
- No, come on, it was a good pass.
It was never my game, you know?
I used to row.
No, I meant the sweater.
It looks like it's expensive.
I get a good deal at the store.
You want one? I could get you one.
Charlie, get your stuff together.
- See you.
- See you later, Charlie.
This is the hotel we're staying in
if there's any kind of problem.
He eats Nerds for breakfast,
not croissants.
Help him with homework.
He has exams.
You have to see his homeroom teacher
Tuesday afternoon.
Tuesday afternoon? Oh, my God!
I've got to meet with our ad agency.
Cancel it. It won't kill you
to be a parent for a week.
Christ.
Charlie? No, Charlie. Please.
Charlie, no way.
I got a clause in my lease.
Okay, old buddy,
you unload your arsenal...
- Hey, you got a tree!
- Yeah.
Sure. Of course I got you a tree.
Well, Sam got it for you.
Look at the pine needles.
Goddamn it! I told her.
I told her there'd be pine needles
all over the rug.
I'm gonna check my messages.
Hi, Mo.
Did you have a nice ride?
Were you okay in there?
Look, this is my dad's den.
I'm gonna sleep on the bed.
And you're gonna sleep in here.
We won't tell my dad you're staying.
There's probably a clause in his lease.
Why can't you take me to school?
George Ferriera takes his kid to school
on his way to work.
- I go in the opposite direction.
- You don't know Dale.
- He's a real asshole.
- Charlie!
Language, in front of Sam.
Pasquale.
- Is he a real asshole?
- Major.
A little Grey Poupon.
Thank you.
I can't take you to school, but I'll
do anything else you want. Deal?
Can we see Malice at the Riviera?
Is that an Agatha Christie movie?
It's a heavy-duty rock band.
I'll get us both a ticket.
- No way. You have tests.
- Music is my life, Dad!
- You had a deal.
- Oh, come on. He has tests this week.
You can't expect me to take him to one
of those drugged-out rock shows.
- Where'd he go?
- He's upset.
- What's he got to be upset about?
- Just lighten up, okay?
Charlie.
What are you doing?
- Mo has escaped.
- Who's Mo?
My frog.
Damn it.
- Pasquale, we have a problem.
- The linguine is not al dente?
My frog! My frog!
- It's a rat!
- It's not a rat! It's my frog!
- It's not the linguine.
- Mo, where are you?
Jesus Christ.
What is this, a rummage sale?
Charlie.
I can't believe you're
this messy at your mom's.
You stay with me a few days,
all hell breaks loose. Look at this.
Charlie!
In the future, eat in the kitchen!
There's granola all over the rug.
Make sure you take that damn frog
back to school.
If I do, they'll dissect him.
That's what a frog is for.
This isn't a wildlife refuge.
People are always trying to save
whales and baby seals and stuff.
- What's wrong with saving a frog?
- He's not staying here.
If we're not wanted here,
we can go stay with Eric.
Oh, really? I guess at Eric's house
there's a frog in every room.
Look, I just can't believe what you did
last night, that's all.
I can't ever go back to that restaurant
after your friend went table-hopping.
- Stop dumping on me, Dad!
- I'm not dumping on you.
I've been up since 6,
and I have a very tough day ahead.
I have a tough day ahead too.
You're going to school,
for God's sake.
School is games, fun and goofing off.
It's the best time of your life.
You mean it gets worse?
Wait till you have to work.
You'll find out how much worse.
- I told you to leave that alone.
- You don't take tests at work.
I bet people don't push you around,
calling you "shrimp" and "microbe."
You know, I wish I could
change places with you.
Yeah? Well, I wish I could too.
Dad!
Charlie! Charlie!
Dad?
Daddy!
Charlie!
Daddy!
You look just like me.
I think I am you...
...Dad.
And you're me.
Holy shit!
Dad?
Dad?
- What's happening, Dad?
- Son of a bitch!
I'm scared.
Don't cry, Charlie. It's a dream.
We're having a dream.
The same dream?
We woke up a half an hour ago!
If we're dreaming,
you won't feel this.
There must be a perfectly
logical explanation for this.
Maybe this happened
all over America.
Invasion of the Body Switchers.
Your mother lets you watch
too much television.
It's some kind of hallucination.
I shouldn't have taken all that Valium.
Hey, this is neat.
It can happen.
People do have nervous breakdowns.
Yeah.
Right.
That was Dale's father.
He's picking you up in 20 minutes.
Oh, my God, this is for real.
It was this.
You were holding it. You said...
I know what I said.
I said I wish we could change places.
Somebody must have thought it was
a pretty good idea, because we have.
So you better get dressed, because
you're going to school in 20 minutes.
Don't be crazy. I can't go to school.
It'd look pretty weird if I go to school.
I must weigh 200 pounds.
A hundred and seventy-six.
Give me that! Give it back!
Give that to me! Give that back!
- Nope!
- Give it back!
You can ride with Dale.
You can look at Mrs. Luttrell.
And you can take my tests.
I'll get straight A's. Awesome!
We are not leaving this apartment.
Try and remember,
I am still your father.
Try and remember,
I'm bigger than you now.
Oh, my God! My report! I was
supposed to get it to Avery today.
Call Marcie. Tell her I'm sick.
You're sick.
- Hey, that's my wallet.
- You'll need some lunch money.
- Look at all this plastic!
- Don't even think it.
It's been a long while
since you went to school, Dad.
- What do you mean?
- It's not like Happy Days anymore.
All I'm saying is...
...be careful out there.
- Hi, how you doing?
- I've known better days, George.
- Excuse me?
- I mean, Mr. Ferriera.
Raccoon turd.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, Charlie.
Was Maggot Mouth
giving you a bad time?
He's a depressing indictment
of our educational system.
Oh, you mean he's like a moron?
- So how's it with your dad?
- Why do you ask?
You said you didn't think staying
there would be much fun.
My father is a wonderful person.
People don't realize that he's
under enormous pressure.
Hey, if you guys are interfacing,
that's cool.
- Who are you, anyway?
- You're getting weird, Charlie.
Well, I gotta go.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
I have a problem. Could you tell me
where I'm supposed to go?
You suppose your amnesia is induced
by piping heavy-metal music...
...into your brain cells?
I asked a perfectly
straightforward question.
I'd appreciate
a straightforward answer.
Keep the change.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Hi.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Good morning.
Morning, Mr. Seymour.
Careful! Get back! Get back!
- Yo, Marshall.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Hi. I mean, yo.
Boy, did Braverman luck out.
That's his newest temp.
You ever seen such an available
mouth? I bet it's nice in there.
Be a good place to set up camp.
- Tom Sawyer's swimming hole, eh?
- Yeah.
Is my office down here?
It's where it always was,
unless you know something we don't.
Thanks.
- Sneakers.
- I know. He's losing it.
Elliot Webb was like that
right before his breakdown.
Week after that, he was in a window
wearing the new Balenciaga ball gown.
Morning, Marshall.
- Marcie?
- Yes?
Good morning, Marcie.
I trust you had a pleasant weekend.
Are you all right?
Don't I look all right?
In four years, you've never asked me
about my weekend.
Sorry.
I kept your appointments light
so you could finish your report.
It's finished!
I got it right here!
Good.
If you want me,
I'll be in my office. Okay?
Great.
Good. I need some envelopes...
...and some pencils.
Some pens.
Look, Mo.
Downtown.
It's a big city.
A Jacuzzi for you.
Cool out, pal.
It must have been hot in there, huh?
I was just exercising.
Chair aerobics?
- Yes?
- I need to make a phone call.
You're in the middle of a test.
I finished.
Sit down!
Well, do you have a newspaper?
- Sam!
- I can't have lunch today.
There's too much to catch up on.
Great to see you.
Which is a shame,
because we need to talk.
Is there a problem?
Basically, I just don't know
whether working together...
...and having a relationship
is feasible.
I don't know what "feasible" means.
Nor do I anymore.
That's just the point.
I'll do anything you want, Sam.
Marshall, it's not what I want.
It's what we want as a unit...
...if we are still a unit.
When we get together tomorrow night,
I think we have to be open...
...and candid and re-evaluate
this whole situation.
Okay?
Okay.
Bye.
This is Marshall. Can't come
to the phone. Leave a message.
Oh, my God! He's out!
Hey, kid, I gotta use the phone.
And I need to speak to my secretary.
Do you mind?
Mr. Seymour's office.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Marcie, thank God!
Who is this?
It's me, Charlie.
Hi, Charlie. Your daddy's told
me so much about you.
- Never mind that. Did my dad show up?
- Sure.
I don't believe it.
How could he do this to me?
Let me speak to him.
He just stepped out to lunch.
If he behaves a little silly today,
it's probably the jet lag.
So don't make any appointments,
and keep Avery off his back.
That was Marshall's kid. The little prick
sounds just like his father.
I don't suppose you have
any Grey Poupon?
What?
Hey, watch it, Dale.
We're sorry about that.
I didn't mean to.
Hey, the assholes
are taking over the world, man.
Consolation. The Dool has delivered.
What's in there, drugs?
Your concert tickets.
I want cash tomorrow.
Checks will only be accepted when
accompanied by two major credit cards.
- Mrs. Brookmeyer to see you.
- Who?
You made the appointment
yourself on Friday.
Did I?
Come on.
Mr. Seymour, good of you
to find the time.
How you doing?
I wrote a savage letter to the airline
president. I urge you to do the same.
Sure.
I imagine your store will put
a handsome markup on that.
I guess.
So...
...do you have my little objet d'art?
I'm sorry. I don't know
what you're talking about.
Mr. Seymour, when we spoke
on the phone Friday...
...you knew exactly
what I was talking about.
Well, a lot's happened since Friday.
Oh, really?
Really.
I see. Maybe since Friday
you realized what you got.
Maybe you had it valued
and think you can make a few bucks.
- Is that what you're trying to pull?
- You have to talk to my dad.
I didn't fly in from New York
to be jerked around.
And you and your dad
better think about this.
Because let me
tell you something, buster...
...you're dealing with a major
ball-breaker here.
Wow! A ball-breaker.
- I need to make a call.
- There's a pay phone in the cafeteria.
There's a line a mile long,
and this is an emergency.
Yeah, my name is Seymour.
My account number is 4126.
I need a limo at Hemingway
Junior High, ASAP.
Right.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Where are you going, Marshall?
- Nowhere.
- What's with you today?
- Nothing.
You've been acting weird all day.
Go home. Take a pill.
Okay.
Look, we're not going to a funeral.
Peel rubber, pal.
Good afternoon, Mr. Seymour.
Hi.
Coleman, sir.
- That thing is intense.
- State of the art, sir.
- How much does it cost?
- A little under $ 7000.
That's more than a Datsun.
- Pretty hot lick.
- I know.
I play the drums.
Go for it.
Nice fill, Mr. Seymour.
Wait.
- He famous?
- He will be. I'm gonna kill him!
- I know why Marshall's acting so weird.
- It's obvious.
Marshall's out on a limb
over this South China Seas deal.
- No, he's just sucking up to Avery.
- Lf this thing takes a nosedive...
...he'll be lucky to run
the hardware department.
Yeah, in the South China Seas.
Oh, that's right.
- Have you been on the fourth floor?
- No, sir.
Apparently, Marshall is in the music
department playing the drums.
- Don't stop now, we're really wailing!
- It's Mr. Avery, Mr. Seymour.
What's going on?! This is
Vigar & Avery, not a nightclub.
Chill out. I was...
He's a customer.
You're a vice president
of this company, not a salesman.
- Salesperson, Mr. Avery.
- Person.
All those years of hard work
and my career is down the crapper.
- Did you pick out a Christmas present?
- Sylvia!
Stratford! Charles was just saying
at dinner last night...
...we don't see enough of Stratford.
- Was he?
I was at the club Thursday,
but you were in Bermuda.
We're in town for at least a month.
Call us.
- Wrap what he wants and deliver it.
- This will do fine.
Nice jamming with you.
Well done, Marshall. I never
would have recognized the boy.
And you know how much money
his mother spends here.
Business is war, gentlemen.
Gentlepersons.
Without sales, we might as well raise
the white flag and surrender...
...to the forces of Neiman Marcus.
Marshall didn't forget that.
Learn.
Hi, Dad.
What did you do to my nose?
What?
What?
I wish we could change back again.
- Nothing.
- Dad, this is heavy.
- What if we're stuck like this?
- Oh, my God.
I'll have to go through puberty again.
What's gonna happen to you?
You're 6' 2" with the brain
of an 11-year-old.
Maybe the ball-buster
had something to do with it?
- What?
- This lady brought your jar back.
- She said you had something of hers.
- The lady who called me Friday.
- Of course. It belongs to her.
- She was really mad.
- She wanted to bust your balls.
- There's not much to bust, kid.
You'll have to go back to work
tomorrow. She's our only link.
- Yeah?
- Charlie, is that you?
- Oh, my God, it's your mother.
- Well, talk to her. You're me.
Hello? Charlie, you there?
Yo, Mom. How's it going?
Not too good. Cliff forgot
to fasten the mosquito net last night.
- How are things with you and your dad?
- Different.
Anyway, this is an expensive call.
You still my Charlie Bear?
- Oh, come on, tell Mommy.
- I'm still your Charlie Bear. Good night.
I hate it when she pulls
that Charlie Bear stuff.
She gets back this weekend.
If we don't resolve this...
...I'll have to live with her again.
This is the woman I couldn't live with
as a husband.
And now I'm gonna be her son.
It's a Freudian nightmare.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Yo.
- Good morning, Marshall.
- Yo. Yo.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Hi, Sam.
The Jingle Bell Moose, Marshall.
We've been getting complaints.
- What's the problem?
- What's the problem?
Wow! It said what I said.
It's supposed to do that.
You squeeze the antler.
Some talk gibberish. A woman
in Kenilwon'th, hers swore in Polish.
Can I keep this one?
- Well, yeah, sure. It's your call.
- Fine. Run with it, babe.
I think they're trying to pass the buck,
Marshall. Or in this case, the moose.
Moose.
How are we today?
Fine.
Oh, Marcie, if that lady
who came here yesterday calls back...
...I need to talk to her, okay?
- Okay.
Your kid's school called to confirm
an appointment with his teacher.
Right. Anything else?
The janitor left a note to say
there's a frog in your bathroom.
Oh, no. I forgot!
We need some flies or insects!
He must be starving!
Come on, come on.
I won't be able to do the science fair!
Give it back! Give it back!
Come on. Please.
- Come on, guys.
- What's going on here?
- They've got my project.
- Great odds.
It takes three of you
to harass this child.
- Go screw yourself, ass-wipe.
- Oh, a prospective English major.
Now, give the young lady her project
and we'll forget all about this.
Hey, hey, come on.
Give her her stuff back.
Oh, man!
- Oh, yeah! All right!
- You got his ass good.
Name in the top, right-hand corner.
Let's try to make it legible, Corey.
Melissa, this does not require
a discussion from you.
Pencils down, people, test is over.
Available in calfskin or alligator,
combination lock...
...built-in digital timepiece and
a rather unique anti-personnel device.
For your type of skin, I would
recommend our facial scrub.
It's clinically formulated,
allergy-tested...
As an extra, we offer
a concealed compartment...
...to contain a poisonous gas
of your choice.
Could I interest you
in an eye-contour gel?
It works wonders.
Yeah!
- We have to talk.
- Wait.
I'm about to beat
my all-time personal best.
- You know what this is?
- I'm not a salesman, sir.
- I'm an executive vice president.
- Yo, Marshall.
Marshall.
It's the moose again. Now we've got
two consumer groups on our backs.
I say we tough it out.
What, you'll recall those mooses?
Moose.
The plural for moose is "moose."
- What, you're gonna say "gooses"?
- "Geese." You're saying it's "meese"?
- I don't know what it is...
- Guys, could we can the semantics?
I played with my moose
for 20 minutes and it broke.
- So?
- So...
...it's not fair.
Kid takes it home and it breaks.
We've sold 100,000 of the suckers.
Are you telling me
we just call them all in?
Do it!
Handguns are in Sporting Goods, sir.
What are you doing here?
What's going on?
How did she get to become
a track coach?
She makes me sick.
Man, you just don't know.
She is so fat, man.
Freeze!
Calhoun, High School Patrol.
Nice try, kid.
Okay, spread! Up against the wall.
You too, tuna breath.
- Look, I only took a drag.
- Did I say you could talk...
...punk?
Word on the street is you barf bags are
giving seventh-grade kids a hard time.
- Hey, we were just smoking, man.
- I know what's going down!
You don't wanna draw any heat,
you'll get off their case.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's cool.
Hey, butt-heads, come here.
I'm gonna be back in half an hour...
...and those bowls
had better be gleaming.
- Hi, Dad.
- What are you doing here?
You never said you had
to see my teacher.
You never told me
you had hockey practice!
Mr. Seymour.
Hi.
I'm Jane Luttrell.
- Yes, I know.
- I'm happy we have this chance to talk.
I have to be honest,
I'm concerned about Charlie.
- I'm sure you'll agree, he's an enigma.
- A what?
A puzzle. Well, I've already graded
yesterday's test papers.
- How did he do?
- Exceptionally well.
Which only confirms
what I have suspected all along.
He's working far below his potential.
He's too easily distracted.
He lacks focus. He lacks...
...concentration.
I'm trying to tell you,
your son is a dreamer.
- All he thinks about is music.
- He likes music. And you know what?
Maybe one day he'll be a big star.
And you'll ask him to come back
and give prizes...
...and maybe he won't
because you dumped on him!
I'm the last person
to discourage outside interests.
I just wish I could have his attention
in my classroom.
Well, maybe he finds your classes
totally boring.
Well, it might be something else.
Mr. Seymour...
...this is a little embarrassing.
Charlie may be getting to that age.
Well, frankly,
I think he has a crush on me.
No way!
What do you girls think
you're doing? Move it!
Get over here! How many times do
I have to tell you not to bury the puck?
Move it! Move it!
You guys are terrible!
I'm gonna send you back
to your mothers! You can't skate!
Can someone tell me
what's going on here?!
Am I in the wrong place? Are these
the auditions for the Ice Capades?
In the locker room, in the classroom,
you guys may be buddies!
Out here, all I want to see is hate!
The city pays this man
to shape young minds?
You two, out!
Doug, Charlie, you're in.
- Do you mind if I sit out this one?
- Do I what?
- Acid stomach.
- Get out there!
Move it, Seymour! Hustle, buddy!
What are you waiting for?
Oh, no!
Dad!
What a spaz!
Hope I didn't put in
too much vermouth.
You really have
the worst of this deal, Dad.
It's funny, I don't remember 11
being this tough.
1964.
I played second base in Little League.
The Beatles were on the radio.
- I saw my first James Bond film.
- James Bond was alive then?
I'm not all that old.
I got married very young.
Your mother and I
were still in college.
We were a crazy couple of kids.
Are you sorry?
Of course not.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have had you.
I'll get it, Dad.
Hi, I'm Debbie.
I'm your babysitter.
I forgot. I arranged a sitter
because I was seeing Sam tonight.
- I'll go.
- Out of the question.
She's worried about your unit, Dad!
If you stand her up tonight,
she may never, ever talk to you again.
Ever.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi.
- I don't wanna go to Antoine's tonight.
- Fine.
Because I know what will happen
if we do.
We'll have a wonderful meal.
I'll drink way too much wine...
...and we'll end up in bed together.
No, we won't.
I'm serious, Marshall.
We need to talk.
Wouldrt you rather go to a concert?
Did you get ahold of tickets
to Mahler's Second?
No, it's not Mahler.
These guys are radical!
We want everybody...
...to get their fists in the air!
Let me hear you!
I guess you felt bad about
not letting Charlie go to the concert.
So you did the next best thing.
You went to all this trouble
just to get him an autograph.
That's really sweet, Marshall.
"To Charlie: Party till you puke.
Love, Malice."
I think Charlie being around is having
a very positive effect on you, Marshall.
I mean, tonight you completely
disarmed me.
You showed me a person
I really wanna be with.
I want to be with you tonight.
There's some magazines over there.
We could watch MTV.
I think I've heard enough music
for one evening.
Besides...
...we don't wanna wake Charlie up.
Why?
I have to leave early.
I've got exercise class in the morning.
I feel sick.
Charlie.
I thought you were still asleep.
I'm too nauseous to sleep.
I don't think he has a temperature.
Why don't you get him a drink of water.
Look what your Dad got for you.
- He took you to this?
- Yeah.
And you know something...
...it was the most fun date
I've ever had with him.
- You mean, you don't usually have fun?
- Sure.
It's just that your dad works so hard,
and sometimes he's not always there.
- But you do like him?
- I wouldn't be here if I didn't.
I don't just mean tonight. I mean
the big picture, the whole ball of wax.
- Tap water okay?
- No, it isn't!
There's Evian in the icebox.
He really likes you, Sam.
Not always good at saying...
...but he loves you.
You think so?
I know so.
You are really special, Charlie.
Here's your Evian.
- I think I should go.
- What do you think, Charlie?
Absolutely. The forecast says snow.
The roads might get dangerous.
You need your sleep.
You have a tough day tomorrow.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
He's fine.
Good night, my favorite men.
Take care of each other.
Good night.
- Your first kiss, huh?
- I didn't mean to, Dad.
I mean, I wasrt...
- She did it!
- It's okay.
She obviously likes me.
Now that you're me.
What a night.
Taxi!
Okay, here we go.
He's an angel of a man, but I'm telling
you, he has absolutely no taste.
I tried to talk him out of it.
Turquoise drapes with a beige carpet.
Beige, criminal.
- Mr. Marshall Seymour, please.
- You just missed him.
Why, that is so wicked of him.
Lillian Brookmeyer,
his interior decorator.
Could you be a dear
and let us in for a moment?
We're only here to measure up.
Do you know where
Professor Kerschner is?
- Downstairs, in the basement.
- All right, thanks.
Come on.
Professor Kerschner?
- Yes.
- Marshall Seymour.
Marshall Seymour.
It's not here.
I'm not surprised.
You threaten the guy...
...he gets freaked
and puts it somewhere safe.
- What are you doing?
- Cleaning up.
No use tipping him off
that we were here.
How considerate.
At home, you never lift a finger.
To the lamas, this symbolizes
the body's impermanence.
They view it as one of the many houses
inabited by the spirit...
...in its ceaseless journey
of reincarnation.
- Can I ask a question, professor?
- But of course.
Oh, wait a second,
I have something for you.
Did the lamas believe that the spirit
could change places without dying?
It's called transmogrification.
There are such beliefs...
...but they're all in the area
of superstition rather than science.
- That's what you think.
- What my dad means...
...is that we should keep
an open mind.
- Can I keep this, please?
- No way!
- He can't. We'll never see it again.
- Sit down!
There is a man
that I'd love to show it to.
He was a lama
before the Chinese invasion.
- Where is he?
- Can we see him?
I'll try to arrange it.
May I keep it?
Dad, did you see my tape deck?
I thought I left it in there.
Cleaning lady must have been here.
She doesn't usually do this good.
You drink a lot, huh, Dad?
Only under stress. I think the last
three days come under that category.
Maybe this guru guy will deliver.
I mean, he is a genuine lama.
He is an ex-lama. He's probably
one of those spaced-out weirdoes...
...who sell you coloring books at the
airports and tell you life is a tulip.
And can you believe our future
depends on this flake?
Answer the door.
Go see who it is.
What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- The store said you were sick.
I called the school,
they said Charlie's sick.
You werert supposed to be back
until Saturday.
Mosquitoes are one thing, but when
Hurricane Claire was coming...
...I said, "Cliff, it's time to go home."
Oh, shit! What are you doing here?
Is that how you greet your mother?
He's drinking.
Marshall, he is drinking!
You're home now, Charlie.
You'll be in your own room tonight
with all your own things.
I'm in the tub. Do you mind?
Don't be mad at me, Charlie.
I'm not mad at you.
Mom knows this is not your fault.
Mom knows your father turned you
into a foul-mouthed alcoholic.
This is Marshall. I can't come to the
phone. Please leave a message. Bye.
Marshall, it's imperative that we resolve
this South China Seas situation.
I don't care if you're still sick.
The meeting's at 10.
Oh, boy.
- What does he look like?
- All the little bastards look alike.
I don't know.
Let's hope he's not sick today.
Look at this.
That looks very familiar.
- You got everything?
- Yeah.
I'm making your
favorite supper tonight.
- Rack of lamb?
- Tuna fish casserole.
I can't wait.
Arert you forgetting something?
- See you later, Charlie Bear.
- Yeah, bye.
- Yes.
- Tell me, quick. Tell me.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Don't kill the shit.
- I'll get him.
- He's on your side.
- Christ!
- He's on your side!
- Quick! Now what am I supposed to...?
What are you doing in a limo?
I don't believe it.
Someone beat us to it.
Look out!
Avery's pissed.
He's called a big meeting.
Avery's called a big meeting?
We're dead.
Not yet, Dad.
Microphone
and micro radio transmitter...
...enabling control to monitor the
agent in the field's ongoing situation.
Invaluable in drug busts, for example.
How does the agent get his orders?
This is a very popular method,
young man.
An antenna concealed
in the arm of this eyeglass frame...
...works in combination
with this miniature earpiece.
It'll work.
Shall I charge this to your account,
Mr. Seymour?
- Yes.
- Fine.
- I wish that shit had gone to school.
- Take it easy.
- Maybe he's in the bathroom.
- All this time?
Maybe he ate Mexican last night.
Get in there. Do something!
Hello? Hello?
Are you receiving me? Over.
This is Alpha One. Alpha One.
Dad, are you receiving me? Over.
Oh, my God, it works.
- Yeah. Are you receiving me?
- Pretty good. Say something else.
- Am I loud enough?
- Great! That's it!
Marshall?
Are you okay?
I called last night,
but I only got your machine.
Robyn came back.
She took Charlie home.
Well, we better go.
They're waiting for us.
- Okay.
- The backstabbers have Avery...
...ready to pull the plug, trash the
concept, cancel our orders, everything.
You're the one who'll have
to turn this thing around, Marshall.
- Life's too short for this crap.
- You go on in.
I'll be in in a minute.
I know you've given a lot
of commitment and energy to this idea.
But you are asking the company
to invest a total of... How much, Brad?
- Yes, but that's over three years.
- That's over three years.
We've been offered favorable
interest rates from Hong Kong.
And we've been offered very favorable
interest rates from King Kong.
- Hong Kong!
- I mean, from Hong Kong.
Maybe. But what is the most
we have ever expended before...
...for a single promotional concept?
"The Best of Britain Week."
- Now, that made money.
- 1.2 million.
"Best of Britain Week."
That made money.
We would've made more
if we thought bigger.
Would've made more
if we'd thought bigger.
- This concept is far more imaginative.
- This concept is far more imaginative.
We're taking in textiles,
ceramics, sportswear...
...travel, rugs.
It's the size of this thing
that make me nervous, sir.
Yes. If the people of Bedford Park
find the Orient too exotic...
...we'll end up with a warehouse...
...full of kimonos and ginger jars.
- Asshole!
- Don't say that!
- I don't know.
There won't be room in the warehouse,
Larry. It'll be full of recalled moose?
- What's this?
- Yeah, you never told me about this!
- There wasrt time. Okay?
- Wasrt time for what?
- To tell you about it, sir.
- Tell me what?
Our purchase-with-purchase
Jingle Bell Moose, sir.
A few of them were defective
and Marshall recalled 100,000.
Were you deranged?
Kids were getting ripped off. It just
seemed like the right thing to do.
- Don't make a sound.
- There's no need for physical violence.
- Don't make a sound.
- I won't. I'm not a moron.
Would I feel easier
if this high-flying China Seas concept...
...were in the hands of someone
less impulsive?
Would you like me
to clarify the question?
Well, see...
...I don't know how you feel.
I only know that the man you're
looking at cares a lot about this job.
He works real hard at it.
He works on weekends,
he works at nights.
Sometimes he doesn't even
get enough time to see his kid...
...people he cares about.
Now you say if his idea doesn't work,
he's gonna get fired?
Well, that sucks!
That's treating him
like some kind of yin-yang.
Well, if it's a yin-yang you want
for this job...
...you got three much better guys
to choose from.
Dad?
Dad!
Now, I don't want you to get upset,
and I don't want you to panic.
- The thing is, I've been kidnapped.
- What do you mean, kidnapped?!
- Where are you? Who did it?
- Stop that.
What did I just ask you not to do?
Now, listen carefully and just make
a note of everything this person says.
- Now, listen up.
- Have you done this before?
I need the skull.
- Mister...
- Seymour.
- Seymour. It's not here.
- It's not here?
I told you I wished
to show it to someone.
Look, you don't know
how really intense this is.
Not to worry,
I have his address here.
Somewhere.
Address, address, address...
Come closer, young man.
I need the skull, sir.
I'm totally desperate.
Come. Sit down.
Sorry.
Look, if you're so desperate for money,
let me make you an offer.
I have a little set aside:
Savings, bonds, T-bills.
In your piggy bank?
For God's sake, will you stop
treating me like a child.
The skull made me a child.
It has magical powers.
I am not me, and my father is not him.
My father is me, and I am my father.
Yes, yes. And we are the world.
Turkey or chicken salad?
Okay.
So how do I know you were
in the Oriental Palace in Bangkok?
You took a Polaroid of me
and my girlfriend.
You were wearing a cheap linen suit
with soy sauce on the lapel.
Hey, get off the line, you pervert!
It's me! I just made it.
All right. Okay. Now...
...here's what you do.
There's been some very weird stuff
he's been telling me you should know.
We should talk.
Talk? You wanna talk now?
He says he's a father.
Horny little bastard.
Dad!
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Wait! Where's my dad?
- I got it!
- Are you sure?
Dad! Dad, are you okay?
Did you look? Did you check?
Put me down! They're going
to the train station. We gotta go!
Let's go! I saw their tickets.
New York, 3:00, track 12.
- Taxi!
- Forget it. We've only got 12 minutes.
- Officer! This old lady's being mugged!
- Where?
- Up on the platform.
- Thanks, kid.
- We can't!
- Charlie, we have no choice.
- I can't drive it.
- I can.
You better wear it, Dad.
Dad!
Dad!
I'm telling you, the kid says
it has magical powers.
I believe it.
It's going to make us rich.
What the hell was that?
Heading west on Harrison in pursuit
of a midget on one of our bikes.
The same kind of trains here, okay?
Don't worry about it.
Did you hear what the man said?
- Look, "To all trains." What did I say?
- We're not gonna make it.
Hang on!
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Where you going, Dad? Wrong way!
Turn it, Dad! They're there!
Calhoun, Chicago Vice!
Way to go!
All right!
Dad, you're a totally intense dude.
Thank you, Charlie.
That's the nicest thing
you ever said to me.
I couldn't. I feel sick.
- Lf we'd have been caught...
- We werert.
We'd be looking at 25 years.
Life.
Oh, boy. With this,
we can afford to go legit.
Just as well,
your nerves are shot to shit.
My whole digestive system.
- It's me who's been taking all the risks.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, sorry.
- Excuse me.
Dad, knock.
Think you got a rough deal
traveling around the East?
Don't tell me
you don't have girls there.
You'd trade all that for a New York
winter on 34th Street?
New York? I wish!
Sorry.
I tried to warn you.
Come on, let's go. Let's go!
Run! Go!
It happens to the best of families.
Don't worry about it.
Dad, what are we gonna do?
If we tell them the truth,
we end up in straitjackets.
We don't. We take the rap.
I have a great lawyer.
Your defense is "executive burnout."
Please, don't cry. Here.
No.
What about those people?
Those people that kidnapped you?
Think about it.
Oh, yeah.
I guess they got theirs.
Cliff!
Hi, Marshall.
You're lucky I was home
when they called the house.
Listen, your mom
doesn't know anything about this.
I told her I'd pick you up after school,
we went to see a movie.
- Thanks, Cliff.
- Thanks, Cliff.
Yeah, well...
...I don't wanna give her
any more grief.
Marshall, come here.
Marshall, I don't know
what to say to you.
Pull it together.
I know you don't get a chance
to see much of your kid...
...but I think today
maybe you overcompensated.
- Yes, Cliff.
- Yes, Cliff.
Anyway, you're free to go
on your own recognizance.
I know the captain.
He knocked the counts down to seven.
- Thanks a lot, Cliff.
- Thanks a lot, Cliff.
Yeah. Let's go home.
Oh, you better take that.
Sam!
I got your message, Marshall.
What happened to you?
Where have you been?
I had to do some stuff.
What happened at the meeting
after I left?
Well, I'll have to tell you, it was a little
tense in there for about 30 seconds.
Finally, Avery says:
"Unless the yin-yangs
have objections...
...I think we should let Marshall
run with this sucker."
Does that mean I still have a job?
That's great, Sam.
Let's celebrate.
No! There's something you
gotta do for me, Sam.
Take me over to Charlie's real quick.
- Why?
- I got a Christmas present for him.
You and Charlie have gotten
much closer, haven't you?
We need each other.
Marshall, you do know
I'm going home for Christmas.
Do you want to come?
The apartment's gonna
seem pretty lonely.
- Especially with Charlie gone.
- Yeah, it's real lonely.
I've been thinking about that.
I don't think it's right
for a man of his...
This age to be on his own.
Great. We can leave a day early.
No, I didn't mean...
I wasrt just talking
about the holidays.
I was thinking about all the time.
I mean...
Well, like...
Will you marry me?
Merry Christmas.
Okay, here's what we do.
The lama said when we wish,
we both have to be touching it.
- That's why it worked the first time.
- Right.
Get undressed, Dad.
You'll rip my pajamas.
Hit the lights.
Charlie, you okay?
It worked.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, Dad. All right.
What movie did you take him to?
Get some sleep.
What am I gonna do with that thing?
When you get back to Thailand,
you can find out who it belongs to.
Avery gave you a "go."
He wants you and Sam back there
after New Year's.
Awesome.
I want Mo to know
he'll always be welcome at my place.
And we'll be seeing
a lot more of you, right?
Yeah.
Boy, it sure feels good
to be 11 again.
And you must be glad to be...
How old are you, Dad?
Younger than I used to be, kid.
It's good to see you, Sam.
Did you tell him?
- Tell him what?
- That I said "yes."
Yes to what?
You can't have forgotten.
It was Just 20 minutes ago.
You proposed to me.
And you said "yes."
Sure, I told him.
He's almost as thrilled
about it as I am.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Morning, Angela.
- Morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- Charlie, let's go!
- Is Dad coming tonight, Mom?
- I left a message on his machine.
- Call him again. Sometimes he forgets.
- See you, Cliff.
- See you.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye.
Sam, I have to get budget approval
for this South China Seas thing.
That means we have
to go over your wish list.
Not now. I'm looking at furs at 10. I've
got menswear people in from Atlanta.
Where were you this morning?
I woke up and you'd gone.
I told you I had my exercise class.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Morning, Sam.
- Hi, Sam.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Yo, Marshall.
I hear he's taking Sam
on this Far East junket.
She's a fashion buyer.
She's a logical choice.
So the fact that he's boffing her
has nothing to do with it?
- I said she's a logical choice.
- Oh, cute. Cute.
Confirm lunch with Davidson.
He's from L.A. Better make it sushi.
I'm going to my kid's concert.
You gotta have me out of here by 5.
Good morning.
Unbelievable.
Sorry.
- See you later.
- Bye. Yeah.
- Charlie.
- Hi, Dad.
Charlie, what can I say?
You can't believe the problems I had.
When I get back from my trip,
you're staying with me?
- Yeah.
- When Mom's on vacation?
Charlie, I'm gonna make
it up to you. I swear.
That's okay, Dad.
We've played better.
I guess I'll just have
to buy the album.
Hi. Come on, Charlie. If we're
gonna get a pizza, we gotta move it.
Let's go, Charlie.
My friends, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome, Mr. Seymour, Miss Crespi,
to Thailand.
We hope you love our country...
...and buy so many things
to take back to America.
- Cheers.
- Cheers. Thank you.
Mr. Turk, long time. Long time.
If this business doesn't kill me, the
stairs will. I hope the climb's won'th it.
- Same old Mr. Turk.
- Right.
- You look good.
- Yeah, a regular movie star.
What do you got for me?
Always business first, huh, Mr. Turk?
- What's with Imelda?
- Nothing. Old Lady. Superstitious.
- It's real gold.
- Yes.
Very rare. From Tibet.
The lamas believe in reincarnation.
They use it in religious ceremonies
to change the house of spirit.
Don't try to up the ante with that tourist
bullshit, Kwo. Five grand.
Five thousand dollars?
Pure gold! Precious stone!
I think in America you get $ 100,000.
You know how many payoffs
I gotta make to get this to America?
Thais come down harder on art lovers
like me than they do on dope dealers.
Five grand. Take it or leave it.
What did you say?
I tell him this one's fragile,
so take great care.
Hey, I want this to go
with the rest of the samples. $ 1.50.
I bought all the guy had.
The store puts a lampshade on this...
...retails for, what, 75, 80?
Nothing like a 600-percent markup
to put a smile on your face.
- These will be on our flight tomorrow?
- Yes. Government deal.
- No problem with customs.
- Okay, I'd like this to go too, please.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Excuse me. Incredibly sorry.
Where did they come from? They
werert there when I went to the phone.
You've been gone
for a half an hour, Marshall.
I swear to God, that's it for work.
How are the drinks?
Look at you. You're lethal, right?
Can we have a couple more of these?
I have plans for tonight.
Tonight, we'll experience the wonder
of Marshall Seymour in the Orient.
I promise.
If you don't, I'm gonna show
everyone this at work.
- No, you're not. I don't think so.
- I think so.
I don't think you will. No.
- Why don't I take one of the two of you.
- Great.
- Thanks.
- My pleasure.
That's great.
- Where you from, New York?
- England.
Fernando in Milan will flip
when he sees these.
They're woven, not printed, so he can
design a range of V & A exclusives...
...and we can make them up
in Bangkok.
Sorry I'm late, Mr. Avery. I've been
busy putting everything together.
- One of your happy snaps, Marshall?
- Give me that, Floyd.
- May I see?
- Sure.
Just a rare moment of leisure, sir.
We had to eat!
If you ever go, sir,
I recommend the Drunken Fish.
As long as the trip wasrt
entirely pleasurable.
Since you left...
...there have been strong doubts about
your South China Seas promotion.
I can imagine.
At the moment, there is a complete
uniformity of approach...
...to marketing in this city.
Our competition is selling the same
merchandise we are in the same way.
This Eastern concept is exotic,
provocative, exciting.
- Passion.
- As I've said before...
...we have to make sure our marketing
strategy is more aggressive...
...more imaginative
than the other guys'.
With this in mind...
...I think you'll see we've made
very exciting acquisitions on our trip.
Let me show you this little sucker.
I'm estimating a profit
of six to 700 percent.
That's why I bought 5000 of them.
You bought how many?
Could I speak to Mr. Seymour, please?
Mr. Marshall Seymour.
Yes, of course I'll hold.
You are unbelievable.
I know people who'd pay a fortune
for this and you send it to Chicago.
Couldrt you find a mule
coming to New York?
What did you expect? An ad in the
Bangkok Post: "Smugglers Wanted"?
It was sloppy to use a civilian.
Mr. Seymour...
...Lillian Brookmeyer. I believe we were
on the same flight from Bangkok.
And there seems to have been
a terrible mix-up.
I seem to have this darling
blue and white ginger jar...
...and I wonder if you have
something of mine.
Don't ask me how it happened. It's
fortunate I'll be in Chicago tomorrow...
Monday would be fine. Yes.
At your office? Look forward to it.
- Look forward to Chicago in December?
- Come on, it's in the U.S.
- Monday, it's ours. No problem.
- You think so?
Credit me with some intelligence.
On what basis?
Major, major, major dork.
Attention K-Mart shoppers:
This offer cannot be repeated.
Dooley, who you got?
I got Blackhawks and Whalers,
Van Halen at the Civic, and Malice.
- Can you get tickets for Wang Chung?
- Sure.
- Get me two for Malice.
- Two? Who you taking? Lori?
I don't go out with boys.
Will your dad let you go?
I'll get him to take me.
He owes me one.
I can hear you people
in the parking lot. Dooley, get out!
Out! You're not scalping tickets
in my classroom.
Sit down! Take off that headset
and give me that filthy magazine.
Go, Charlie!
Yes, yes! Come on, come on!
Go, go, go, Charlie!
Come on, touchdown!
All right! All right!
You're really sparking them, Charlie.
All right, touchdown!
Hi, guys.
- Come on.
- Let's go. We can afford them now.
- Over here! Over here!
- Get the ball!
- I got them!
- Run! Run!
- Quick, throw it!
- I'm open. Open.
- Who's that?
- My dad.
- I'm sorry about that, Marshall.
- No, come on, it was a good pass.
It was never my game, you know?
I used to row.
No, I meant the sweater.
It looks like it's expensive.
I get a good deal at the store.
You want one? I could get you one.
Charlie, get your stuff together.
- See you.
- See you later, Charlie.
This is the hotel we're staying in
if there's any kind of problem.
He eats Nerds for breakfast,
not croissants.
Help him with homework.
He has exams.
You have to see his homeroom teacher
Tuesday afternoon.
Tuesday afternoon? Oh, my God!
I've got to meet with our ad agency.
Cancel it. It won't kill you
to be a parent for a week.
Christ.
Charlie? No, Charlie. Please.
Charlie, no way.
I got a clause in my lease.
Okay, old buddy,
you unload your arsenal...
- Hey, you got a tree!
- Yeah.
Sure. Of course I got you a tree.
Well, Sam got it for you.
Look at the pine needles.
Goddamn it! I told her.
I told her there'd be pine needles
all over the rug.
I'm gonna check my messages.
Hi, Mo.
Did you have a nice ride?
Were you okay in there?
Look, this is my dad's den.
I'm gonna sleep on the bed.
And you're gonna sleep in here.
We won't tell my dad you're staying.
There's probably a clause in his lease.
Why can't you take me to school?
George Ferriera takes his kid to school
on his way to work.
- I go in the opposite direction.
- You don't know Dale.
- He's a real asshole.
- Charlie!
Language, in front of Sam.
Pasquale.
- Is he a real asshole?
- Major.
A little Grey Poupon.
Thank you.
I can't take you to school, but I'll
do anything else you want. Deal?
Can we see Malice at the Riviera?
Is that an Agatha Christie movie?
It's a heavy-duty rock band.
I'll get us both a ticket.
- No way. You have tests.
- Music is my life, Dad!
- You had a deal.
- Oh, come on. He has tests this week.
You can't expect me to take him to one
of those drugged-out rock shows.
- Where'd he go?
- He's upset.
- What's he got to be upset about?
- Just lighten up, okay?
Charlie.
What are you doing?
- Mo has escaped.
- Who's Mo?
My frog.
Damn it.
- Pasquale, we have a problem.
- The linguine is not al dente?
My frog! My frog!
- It's a rat!
- It's not a rat! It's my frog!
- It's not the linguine.
- Mo, where are you?
Jesus Christ.
What is this, a rummage sale?
Charlie.
I can't believe you're
this messy at your mom's.
You stay with me a few days,
all hell breaks loose. Look at this.
Charlie!
In the future, eat in the kitchen!
There's granola all over the rug.
Make sure you take that damn frog
back to school.
If I do, they'll dissect him.
That's what a frog is for.
This isn't a wildlife refuge.
People are always trying to save
whales and baby seals and stuff.
- What's wrong with saving a frog?
- He's not staying here.
If we're not wanted here,
we can go stay with Eric.
Oh, really? I guess at Eric's house
there's a frog in every room.
Look, I just can't believe what you did
last night, that's all.
I can't ever go back to that restaurant
after your friend went table-hopping.
- Stop dumping on me, Dad!
- I'm not dumping on you.
I've been up since 6,
and I have a very tough day ahead.
I have a tough day ahead too.
You're going to school,
for God's sake.
School is games, fun and goofing off.
It's the best time of your life.
You mean it gets worse?
Wait till you have to work.
You'll find out how much worse.
- I told you to leave that alone.
- You don't take tests at work.
I bet people don't push you around,
calling you "shrimp" and "microbe."
You know, I wish I could
change places with you.
Yeah? Well, I wish I could too.
Dad!
Charlie! Charlie!
Dad?
Daddy!
Charlie!
Daddy!
You look just like me.
I think I am you...
...Dad.
And you're me.
Holy shit!
Dad?
Dad?
- What's happening, Dad?
- Son of a bitch!
I'm scared.
Don't cry, Charlie. It's a dream.
We're having a dream.
The same dream?
We woke up a half an hour ago!
If we're dreaming,
you won't feel this.
There must be a perfectly
logical explanation for this.
Maybe this happened
all over America.
Invasion of the Body Switchers.
Your mother lets you watch
too much television.
It's some kind of hallucination.
I shouldn't have taken all that Valium.
Hey, this is neat.
It can happen.
People do have nervous breakdowns.
Yeah.
Right.
That was Dale's father.
He's picking you up in 20 minutes.
Oh, my God, this is for real.
It was this.
You were holding it. You said...
I know what I said.
I said I wish we could change places.
Somebody must have thought it was
a pretty good idea, because we have.
So you better get dressed, because
you're going to school in 20 minutes.
Don't be crazy. I can't go to school.
It'd look pretty weird if I go to school.
I must weigh 200 pounds.
A hundred and seventy-six.
Give me that! Give it back!
Give that to me! Give that back!
- Nope!
- Give it back!
You can ride with Dale.
You can look at Mrs. Luttrell.
And you can take my tests.
I'll get straight A's. Awesome!
We are not leaving this apartment.
Try and remember,
I am still your father.
Try and remember,
I'm bigger than you now.
Oh, my God! My report! I was
supposed to get it to Avery today.
Call Marcie. Tell her I'm sick.
You're sick.
- Hey, that's my wallet.
- You'll need some lunch money.
- Look at all this plastic!
- Don't even think it.
It's been a long while
since you went to school, Dad.
- What do you mean?
- It's not like Happy Days anymore.
All I'm saying is...
...be careful out there.
- Hi, how you doing?
- I've known better days, George.
- Excuse me?
- I mean, Mr. Ferriera.
Raccoon turd.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, Charlie.
Was Maggot Mouth
giving you a bad time?
He's a depressing indictment
of our educational system.
Oh, you mean he's like a moron?
- So how's it with your dad?
- Why do you ask?
You said you didn't think staying
there would be much fun.
My father is a wonderful person.
People don't realize that he's
under enormous pressure.
Hey, if you guys are interfacing,
that's cool.
- Who are you, anyway?
- You're getting weird, Charlie.
Well, I gotta go.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
I have a problem. Could you tell me
where I'm supposed to go?
You suppose your amnesia is induced
by piping heavy-metal music...
...into your brain cells?
I asked a perfectly
straightforward question.
I'd appreciate
a straightforward answer.
Keep the change.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Hi.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Good morning.
Morning, Mr. Seymour.
Careful! Get back! Get back!
- Yo, Marshall.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Hi. I mean, yo.
Boy, did Braverman luck out.
That's his newest temp.
You ever seen such an available
mouth? I bet it's nice in there.
Be a good place to set up camp.
- Tom Sawyer's swimming hole, eh?
- Yeah.
Is my office down here?
It's where it always was,
unless you know something we don't.
Thanks.
- Sneakers.
- I know. He's losing it.
Elliot Webb was like that
right before his breakdown.
Week after that, he was in a window
wearing the new Balenciaga ball gown.
Morning, Marshall.
- Marcie?
- Yes?
Good morning, Marcie.
I trust you had a pleasant weekend.
Are you all right?
Don't I look all right?
In four years, you've never asked me
about my weekend.
Sorry.
I kept your appointments light
so you could finish your report.
It's finished!
I got it right here!
Good.
If you want me,
I'll be in my office. Okay?
Great.
Good. I need some envelopes...
...and some pencils.
Some pens.
Look, Mo.
Downtown.
It's a big city.
A Jacuzzi for you.
Cool out, pal.
It must have been hot in there, huh?
I was just exercising.
Chair aerobics?
- Yes?
- I need to make a phone call.
You're in the middle of a test.
I finished.
Sit down!
Well, do you have a newspaper?
- Sam!
- I can't have lunch today.
There's too much to catch up on.
Great to see you.
Which is a shame,
because we need to talk.
Is there a problem?
Basically, I just don't know
whether working together...
...and having a relationship
is feasible.
I don't know what "feasible" means.
Nor do I anymore.
That's just the point.
I'll do anything you want, Sam.
Marshall, it's not what I want.
It's what we want as a unit...
...if we are still a unit.
When we get together tomorrow night,
I think we have to be open...
...and candid and re-evaluate
this whole situation.
Okay?
Okay.
Bye.
This is Marshall. Can't come
to the phone. Leave a message.
Oh, my God! He's out!
Hey, kid, I gotta use the phone.
And I need to speak to my secretary.
Do you mind?
Mr. Seymour's office.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Marcie, thank God!
Who is this?
It's me, Charlie.
Hi, Charlie. Your daddy's told
me so much about you.
- Never mind that. Did my dad show up?
- Sure.
I don't believe it.
How could he do this to me?
Let me speak to him.
He just stepped out to lunch.
If he behaves a little silly today,
it's probably the jet lag.
So don't make any appointments,
and keep Avery off his back.
That was Marshall's kid. The little prick
sounds just like his father.
I don't suppose you have
any Grey Poupon?
What?
Hey, watch it, Dale.
We're sorry about that.
I didn't mean to.
Hey, the assholes
are taking over the world, man.
Consolation. The Dool has delivered.
What's in there, drugs?
Your concert tickets.
I want cash tomorrow.
Checks will only be accepted when
accompanied by two major credit cards.
- Mrs. Brookmeyer to see you.
- Who?
You made the appointment
yourself on Friday.
Did I?
Come on.
Mr. Seymour, good of you
to find the time.
How you doing?
I wrote a savage letter to the airline
president. I urge you to do the same.
Sure.
I imagine your store will put
a handsome markup on that.
I guess.
So...
...do you have my little objet d'art?
I'm sorry. I don't know
what you're talking about.
Mr. Seymour, when we spoke
on the phone Friday...
...you knew exactly
what I was talking about.
Well, a lot's happened since Friday.
Oh, really?
Really.
I see. Maybe since Friday
you realized what you got.
Maybe you had it valued
and think you can make a few bucks.
- Is that what you're trying to pull?
- You have to talk to my dad.
I didn't fly in from New York
to be jerked around.
And you and your dad
better think about this.
Because let me
tell you something, buster...
...you're dealing with a major
ball-breaker here.
Wow! A ball-breaker.
- I need to make a call.
- There's a pay phone in the cafeteria.
There's a line a mile long,
and this is an emergency.
Yeah, my name is Seymour.
My account number is 4126.
I need a limo at Hemingway
Junior High, ASAP.
Right.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Where are you going, Marshall?
- Nowhere.
- What's with you today?
- Nothing.
You've been acting weird all day.
Go home. Take a pill.
Okay.
Look, we're not going to a funeral.
Peel rubber, pal.
Good afternoon, Mr. Seymour.
Hi.
Coleman, sir.
- That thing is intense.
- State of the art, sir.
- How much does it cost?
- A little under $ 7000.
That's more than a Datsun.
- Pretty hot lick.
- I know.
I play the drums.
Go for it.
Nice fill, Mr. Seymour.
Wait.
- He famous?
- He will be. I'm gonna kill him!
- I know why Marshall's acting so weird.
- It's obvious.
Marshall's out on a limb
over this South China Seas deal.
- No, he's just sucking up to Avery.
- Lf this thing takes a nosedive...
...he'll be lucky to run
the hardware department.
Yeah, in the South China Seas.
Oh, that's right.
- Have you been on the fourth floor?
- No, sir.
Apparently, Marshall is in the music
department playing the drums.
- Don't stop now, we're really wailing!
- It's Mr. Avery, Mr. Seymour.
What's going on?! This is
Vigar & Avery, not a nightclub.
Chill out. I was...
He's a customer.
You're a vice president
of this company, not a salesman.
- Salesperson, Mr. Avery.
- Person.
All those years of hard work
and my career is down the crapper.
- Did you pick out a Christmas present?
- Sylvia!
Stratford! Charles was just saying
at dinner last night...
...we don't see enough of Stratford.
- Was he?
I was at the club Thursday,
but you were in Bermuda.
We're in town for at least a month.
Call us.
- Wrap what he wants and deliver it.
- This will do fine.
Nice jamming with you.
Well done, Marshall. I never
would have recognized the boy.
And you know how much money
his mother spends here.
Business is war, gentlemen.
Gentlepersons.
Without sales, we might as well raise
the white flag and surrender...
...to the forces of Neiman Marcus.
Marshall didn't forget that.
Learn.
Hi, Dad.
What did you do to my nose?
What?
What?
I wish we could change back again.
- Nothing.
- Dad, this is heavy.
- What if we're stuck like this?
- Oh, my God.
I'll have to go through puberty again.
What's gonna happen to you?
You're 6' 2" with the brain
of an 11-year-old.
Maybe the ball-buster
had something to do with it?
- What?
- This lady brought your jar back.
- She said you had something of hers.
- The lady who called me Friday.
- Of course. It belongs to her.
- She was really mad.
- She wanted to bust your balls.
- There's not much to bust, kid.
You'll have to go back to work
tomorrow. She's our only link.
- Yeah?
- Charlie, is that you?
- Oh, my God, it's your mother.
- Well, talk to her. You're me.
Hello? Charlie, you there?
Yo, Mom. How's it going?
Not too good. Cliff forgot
to fasten the mosquito net last night.
- How are things with you and your dad?
- Different.
Anyway, this is an expensive call.
You still my Charlie Bear?
- Oh, come on, tell Mommy.
- I'm still your Charlie Bear. Good night.
I hate it when she pulls
that Charlie Bear stuff.
She gets back this weekend.
If we don't resolve this...
...I'll have to live with her again.
This is the woman I couldn't live with
as a husband.
And now I'm gonna be her son.
It's a Freudian nightmare.
- Good morning, Mr. Seymour.
- Yo.
- Good morning, Marshall.
- Yo. Yo.
- Yo, Marshall.
- Hi, Sam.
The Jingle Bell Moose, Marshall.
We've been getting complaints.
- What's the problem?
- What's the problem?
Wow! It said what I said.
It's supposed to do that.
You squeeze the antler.
Some talk gibberish. A woman
in Kenilwon'th, hers swore in Polish.
Can I keep this one?
- Well, yeah, sure. It's your call.
- Fine. Run with it, babe.
I think they're trying to pass the buck,
Marshall. Or in this case, the moose.
Moose.
How are we today?
Fine.
Oh, Marcie, if that lady
who came here yesterday calls back...
...I need to talk to her, okay?
- Okay.
Your kid's school called to confirm
an appointment with his teacher.
Right. Anything else?
The janitor left a note to say
there's a frog in your bathroom.
Oh, no. I forgot!
We need some flies or insects!
He must be starving!
Come on, come on.
I won't be able to do the science fair!
Give it back! Give it back!
Come on. Please.
- Come on, guys.
- What's going on here?
- They've got my project.
- Great odds.
It takes three of you
to harass this child.
- Go screw yourself, ass-wipe.
- Oh, a prospective English major.
Now, give the young lady her project
and we'll forget all about this.
Hey, hey, come on.
Give her her stuff back.
Oh, man!
- Oh, yeah! All right!
- You got his ass good.
Name in the top, right-hand corner.
Let's try to make it legible, Corey.
Melissa, this does not require
a discussion from you.
Pencils down, people, test is over.
Available in calfskin or alligator,
combination lock...
...built-in digital timepiece and
a rather unique anti-personnel device.
For your type of skin, I would
recommend our facial scrub.
It's clinically formulated,
allergy-tested...
As an extra, we offer
a concealed compartment...
...to contain a poisonous gas
of your choice.
Could I interest you
in an eye-contour gel?
It works wonders.
Yeah!
- We have to talk.
- Wait.
I'm about to beat
my all-time personal best.
- You know what this is?
- I'm not a salesman, sir.
- I'm an executive vice president.
- Yo, Marshall.
Marshall.
It's the moose again. Now we've got
two consumer groups on our backs.
I say we tough it out.
What, you'll recall those mooses?
Moose.
The plural for moose is "moose."
- What, you're gonna say "gooses"?
- "Geese." You're saying it's "meese"?
- I don't know what it is...
- Guys, could we can the semantics?
I played with my moose
for 20 minutes and it broke.
- So?
- So...
...it's not fair.
Kid takes it home and it breaks.
We've sold 100,000 of the suckers.
Are you telling me
we just call them all in?
Do it!
Handguns are in Sporting Goods, sir.
What are you doing here?
What's going on?
How did she get to become
a track coach?
She makes me sick.
Man, you just don't know.
She is so fat, man.
Freeze!
Calhoun, High School Patrol.
Nice try, kid.
Okay, spread! Up against the wall.
You too, tuna breath.
- Look, I only took a drag.
- Did I say you could talk...
...punk?
Word on the street is you barf bags are
giving seventh-grade kids a hard time.
- Hey, we were just smoking, man.
- I know what's going down!
You don't wanna draw any heat,
you'll get off their case.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's cool.
Hey, butt-heads, come here.
I'm gonna be back in half an hour...
...and those bowls
had better be gleaming.
- Hi, Dad.
- What are you doing here?
You never said you had
to see my teacher.
You never told me
you had hockey practice!
Mr. Seymour.
Hi.
I'm Jane Luttrell.
- Yes, I know.
- I'm happy we have this chance to talk.
I have to be honest,
I'm concerned about Charlie.
- I'm sure you'll agree, he's an enigma.
- A what?
A puzzle. Well, I've already graded
yesterday's test papers.
- How did he do?
- Exceptionally well.
Which only confirms
what I have suspected all along.
He's working far below his potential.
He's too easily distracted.
He lacks focus. He lacks...
...concentration.
I'm trying to tell you,
your son is a dreamer.
- All he thinks about is music.
- He likes music. And you know what?
Maybe one day he'll be a big star.
And you'll ask him to come back
and give prizes...
...and maybe he won't
because you dumped on him!
I'm the last person
to discourage outside interests.
I just wish I could have his attention
in my classroom.
Well, maybe he finds your classes
totally boring.
Well, it might be something else.
Mr. Seymour...
...this is a little embarrassing.
Charlie may be getting to that age.
Well, frankly,
I think he has a crush on me.
No way!
What do you girls think
you're doing? Move it!
Get over here! How many times do
I have to tell you not to bury the puck?
Move it! Move it!
You guys are terrible!
I'm gonna send you back
to your mothers! You can't skate!
Can someone tell me
what's going on here?!
Am I in the wrong place? Are these
the auditions for the Ice Capades?
In the locker room, in the classroom,
you guys may be buddies!
Out here, all I want to see is hate!
The city pays this man
to shape young minds?
You two, out!
Doug, Charlie, you're in.
- Do you mind if I sit out this one?
- Do I what?
- Acid stomach.
- Get out there!
Move it, Seymour! Hustle, buddy!
What are you waiting for?
Oh, no!
Dad!
What a spaz!
Hope I didn't put in
too much vermouth.
You really have
the worst of this deal, Dad.
It's funny, I don't remember 11
being this tough.
1964.
I played second base in Little League.
The Beatles were on the radio.
- I saw my first James Bond film.
- James Bond was alive then?
I'm not all that old.
I got married very young.
Your mother and I
were still in college.
We were a crazy couple of kids.
Are you sorry?
Of course not.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have had you.
I'll get it, Dad.
Hi, I'm Debbie.
I'm your babysitter.
I forgot. I arranged a sitter
because I was seeing Sam tonight.
- I'll go.
- Out of the question.
She's worried about your unit, Dad!
If you stand her up tonight,
she may never, ever talk to you again.
Ever.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi.
- I don't wanna go to Antoine's tonight.
- Fine.
Because I know what will happen
if we do.
We'll have a wonderful meal.
I'll drink way too much wine...
...and we'll end up in bed together.
No, we won't.
I'm serious, Marshall.
We need to talk.
Wouldrt you rather go to a concert?
Did you get ahold of tickets
to Mahler's Second?
No, it's not Mahler.
These guys are radical!
We want everybody...
...to get their fists in the air!
Let me hear you!
I guess you felt bad about
not letting Charlie go to the concert.
So you did the next best thing.
You went to all this trouble
just to get him an autograph.
That's really sweet, Marshall.
"To Charlie: Party till you puke.
Love, Malice."
I think Charlie being around is having
a very positive effect on you, Marshall.
I mean, tonight you completely
disarmed me.
You showed me a person
I really wanna be with.
I want to be with you tonight.
There's some magazines over there.
We could watch MTV.
I think I've heard enough music
for one evening.
Besides...
...we don't wanna wake Charlie up.
Why?
I have to leave early.
I've got exercise class in the morning.
I feel sick.
Charlie.
I thought you were still asleep.
I'm too nauseous to sleep.
I don't think he has a temperature.
Why don't you get him a drink of water.
Look what your Dad got for you.
- He took you to this?
- Yeah.
And you know something...
...it was the most fun date
I've ever had with him.
- You mean, you don't usually have fun?
- Sure.
It's just that your dad works so hard,
and sometimes he's not always there.
- But you do like him?
- I wouldn't be here if I didn't.
I don't just mean tonight. I mean
the big picture, the whole ball of wax.
- Tap water okay?
- No, it isn't!
There's Evian in the icebox.
He really likes you, Sam.
Not always good at saying...
...but he loves you.
You think so?
I know so.
You are really special, Charlie.
Here's your Evian.
- I think I should go.
- What do you think, Charlie?
Absolutely. The forecast says snow.
The roads might get dangerous.
You need your sleep.
You have a tough day tomorrow.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
He's fine.
Good night, my favorite men.
Take care of each other.
Good night.
- Your first kiss, huh?
- I didn't mean to, Dad.
I mean, I wasrt...
- She did it!
- It's okay.
She obviously likes me.
Now that you're me.
What a night.
Taxi!
Okay, here we go.
He's an angel of a man, but I'm telling
you, he has absolutely no taste.
I tried to talk him out of it.
Turquoise drapes with a beige carpet.
Beige, criminal.
- Mr. Marshall Seymour, please.
- You just missed him.
Why, that is so wicked of him.
Lillian Brookmeyer,
his interior decorator.
Could you be a dear
and let us in for a moment?
We're only here to measure up.
Do you know where
Professor Kerschner is?
- Downstairs, in the basement.
- All right, thanks.
Come on.
Professor Kerschner?
- Yes.
- Marshall Seymour.
Marshall Seymour.
It's not here.
I'm not surprised.
You threaten the guy...
...he gets freaked
and puts it somewhere safe.
- What are you doing?
- Cleaning up.
No use tipping him off
that we were here.
How considerate.
At home, you never lift a finger.
To the lamas, this symbolizes
the body's impermanence.
They view it as one of the many houses
inabited by the spirit...
...in its ceaseless journey
of reincarnation.
- Can I ask a question, professor?
- But of course.
Oh, wait a second,
I have something for you.
Did the lamas believe that the spirit
could change places without dying?
It's called transmogrification.
There are such beliefs...
...but they're all in the area
of superstition rather than science.
- That's what you think.
- What my dad means...
...is that we should keep
an open mind.
- Can I keep this, please?
- No way!
- He can't. We'll never see it again.
- Sit down!
There is a man
that I'd love to show it to.
He was a lama
before the Chinese invasion.
- Where is he?
- Can we see him?
I'll try to arrange it.
May I keep it?
Dad, did you see my tape deck?
I thought I left it in there.
Cleaning lady must have been here.
She doesn't usually do this good.
You drink a lot, huh, Dad?
Only under stress. I think the last
three days come under that category.
Maybe this guru guy will deliver.
I mean, he is a genuine lama.
He is an ex-lama. He's probably
one of those spaced-out weirdoes...
...who sell you coloring books at the
airports and tell you life is a tulip.
And can you believe our future
depends on this flake?
Answer the door.
Go see who it is.
What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- The store said you were sick.
I called the school,
they said Charlie's sick.
You werert supposed to be back
until Saturday.
Mosquitoes are one thing, but when
Hurricane Claire was coming...
...I said, "Cliff, it's time to go home."
Oh, shit! What are you doing here?
Is that how you greet your mother?
He's drinking.
Marshall, he is drinking!
You're home now, Charlie.
You'll be in your own room tonight
with all your own things.
I'm in the tub. Do you mind?
Don't be mad at me, Charlie.
I'm not mad at you.
Mom knows this is not your fault.
Mom knows your father turned you
into a foul-mouthed alcoholic.
This is Marshall. I can't come to the
phone. Please leave a message. Bye.
Marshall, it's imperative that we resolve
this South China Seas situation.
I don't care if you're still sick.
The meeting's at 10.
Oh, boy.
- What does he look like?
- All the little bastards look alike.
I don't know.
Let's hope he's not sick today.
Look at this.
That looks very familiar.
- You got everything?
- Yeah.
I'm making your
favorite supper tonight.
- Rack of lamb?
- Tuna fish casserole.
I can't wait.
Arert you forgetting something?
- See you later, Charlie Bear.
- Yeah, bye.
- Yes.
- Tell me, quick. Tell me.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Don't kill the shit.
- I'll get him.
- He's on your side.
- Christ!
- He's on your side!
- Quick! Now what am I supposed to...?
What are you doing in a limo?
I don't believe it.
Someone beat us to it.
Look out!
Avery's pissed.
He's called a big meeting.
Avery's called a big meeting?
We're dead.
Not yet, Dad.
Microphone
and micro radio transmitter...
...enabling control to monitor the
agent in the field's ongoing situation.
Invaluable in drug busts, for example.
How does the agent get his orders?
This is a very popular method,
young man.
An antenna concealed
in the arm of this eyeglass frame...
...works in combination
with this miniature earpiece.
It'll work.
Shall I charge this to your account,
Mr. Seymour?
- Yes.
- Fine.
- I wish that shit had gone to school.
- Take it easy.
- Maybe he's in the bathroom.
- All this time?
Maybe he ate Mexican last night.
Get in there. Do something!
Hello? Hello?
Are you receiving me? Over.
This is Alpha One. Alpha One.
Dad, are you receiving me? Over.
Oh, my God, it works.
- Yeah. Are you receiving me?
- Pretty good. Say something else.
- Am I loud enough?
- Great! That's it!
Marshall?
Are you okay?
I called last night,
but I only got your machine.
Robyn came back.
She took Charlie home.
Well, we better go.
They're waiting for us.
- Okay.
- The backstabbers have Avery...
...ready to pull the plug, trash the
concept, cancel our orders, everything.
You're the one who'll have
to turn this thing around, Marshall.
- Life's too short for this crap.
- You go on in.
I'll be in in a minute.
I know you've given a lot
of commitment and energy to this idea.
But you are asking the company
to invest a total of... How much, Brad?
- Yes, but that's over three years.
- That's over three years.
We've been offered favorable
interest rates from Hong Kong.
And we've been offered very favorable
interest rates from King Kong.
- Hong Kong!
- I mean, from Hong Kong.
Maybe. But what is the most
we have ever expended before...
...for a single promotional concept?
"The Best of Britain Week."
- Now, that made money.
- 1.2 million.
"Best of Britain Week."
That made money.
We would've made more
if we thought bigger.
Would've made more
if we'd thought bigger.
- This concept is far more imaginative.
- This concept is far more imaginative.
We're taking in textiles,
ceramics, sportswear...
...travel, rugs.
It's the size of this thing
that make me nervous, sir.
Yes. If the people of Bedford Park
find the Orient too exotic...
...we'll end up with a warehouse...
...full of kimonos and ginger jars.
- Asshole!
- Don't say that!
- I don't know.
There won't be room in the warehouse,
Larry. It'll be full of recalled moose?
- What's this?
- Yeah, you never told me about this!
- There wasrt time. Okay?
- Wasrt time for what?
- To tell you about it, sir.
- Tell me what?
Our purchase-with-purchase
Jingle Bell Moose, sir.
A few of them were defective
and Marshall recalled 100,000.
Were you deranged?
Kids were getting ripped off. It just
seemed like the right thing to do.
- Don't make a sound.
- There's no need for physical violence.
- Don't make a sound.
- I won't. I'm not a moron.
Would I feel easier
if this high-flying China Seas concept...
...were in the hands of someone
less impulsive?
Would you like me
to clarify the question?
Well, see...
...I don't know how you feel.
I only know that the man you're
looking at cares a lot about this job.
He works real hard at it.
He works on weekends,
he works at nights.
Sometimes he doesn't even
get enough time to see his kid...
...people he cares about.
Now you say if his idea doesn't work,
he's gonna get fired?
Well, that sucks!
That's treating him
like some kind of yin-yang.
Well, if it's a yin-yang you want
for this job...
...you got three much better guys
to choose from.
Dad?
Dad!
Now, I don't want you to get upset,
and I don't want you to panic.
- The thing is, I've been kidnapped.
- What do you mean, kidnapped?!
- Where are you? Who did it?
- Stop that.
What did I just ask you not to do?
Now, listen carefully and just make
a note of everything this person says.
- Now, listen up.
- Have you done this before?
I need the skull.
- Mister...
- Seymour.
- Seymour. It's not here.
- It's not here?
I told you I wished
to show it to someone.
Look, you don't know
how really intense this is.
Not to worry,
I have his address here.
Somewhere.
Address, address, address...
Come closer, young man.
I need the skull, sir.
I'm totally desperate.
Come. Sit down.
Sorry.
Look, if you're so desperate for money,
let me make you an offer.
I have a little set aside:
Savings, bonds, T-bills.
In your piggy bank?
For God's sake, will you stop
treating me like a child.
The skull made me a child.
It has magical powers.
I am not me, and my father is not him.
My father is me, and I am my father.
Yes, yes. And we are the world.
Turkey or chicken salad?
Okay.
So how do I know you were
in the Oriental Palace in Bangkok?
You took a Polaroid of me
and my girlfriend.
You were wearing a cheap linen suit
with soy sauce on the lapel.
Hey, get off the line, you pervert!
It's me! I just made it.
All right. Okay. Now...
...here's what you do.
There's been some very weird stuff
he's been telling me you should know.
We should talk.
Talk? You wanna talk now?
He says he's a father.
Horny little bastard.
Dad!
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Wait! Where's my dad?
- I got it!
- Are you sure?
Dad! Dad, are you okay?
Did you look? Did you check?
Put me down! They're going
to the train station. We gotta go!
Let's go! I saw their tickets.
New York, 3:00, track 12.
- Taxi!
- Forget it. We've only got 12 minutes.
- Officer! This old lady's being mugged!
- Where?
- Up on the platform.
- Thanks, kid.
- We can't!
- Charlie, we have no choice.
- I can't drive it.
- I can.
You better wear it, Dad.
Dad!
Dad!
I'm telling you, the kid says
it has magical powers.
I believe it.
It's going to make us rich.
What the hell was that?
Heading west on Harrison in pursuit
of a midget on one of our bikes.
The same kind of trains here, okay?
Don't worry about it.
Did you hear what the man said?
- Look, "To all trains." What did I say?
- We're not gonna make it.
Hang on!
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Where you going, Dad? Wrong way!
Turn it, Dad! They're there!
Calhoun, Chicago Vice!
Way to go!
All right!
Dad, you're a totally intense dude.
Thank you, Charlie.
That's the nicest thing
you ever said to me.
I couldn't. I feel sick.
- Lf we'd have been caught...
- We werert.
We'd be looking at 25 years.
Life.
Oh, boy. With this,
we can afford to go legit.
Just as well,
your nerves are shot to shit.
My whole digestive system.
- It's me who's been taking all the risks.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, sorry.
- Excuse me.
Dad, knock.
Think you got a rough deal
traveling around the East?
Don't tell me
you don't have girls there.
You'd trade all that for a New York
winter on 34th Street?
New York? I wish!
Sorry.
I tried to warn you.
Come on, let's go. Let's go!
Run! Go!
It happens to the best of families.
Don't worry about it.
Dad, what are we gonna do?
If we tell them the truth,
we end up in straitjackets.
We don't. We take the rap.
I have a great lawyer.
Your defense is "executive burnout."
Please, don't cry. Here.
No.
What about those people?
Those people that kidnapped you?
Think about it.
Oh, yeah.
I guess they got theirs.
Cliff!
Hi, Marshall.
You're lucky I was home
when they called the house.
Listen, your mom
doesn't know anything about this.
I told her I'd pick you up after school,
we went to see a movie.
- Thanks, Cliff.
- Thanks, Cliff.
Yeah, well...
...I don't wanna give her
any more grief.
Marshall, come here.
Marshall, I don't know
what to say to you.
Pull it together.
I know you don't get a chance
to see much of your kid...
...but I think today
maybe you overcompensated.
- Yes, Cliff.
- Yes, Cliff.
Anyway, you're free to go
on your own recognizance.
I know the captain.
He knocked the counts down to seven.
- Thanks a lot, Cliff.
- Thanks a lot, Cliff.
Yeah. Let's go home.
Oh, you better take that.
Sam!
I got your message, Marshall.
What happened to you?
Where have you been?
I had to do some stuff.
What happened at the meeting
after I left?
Well, I'll have to tell you, it was a little
tense in there for about 30 seconds.
Finally, Avery says:
"Unless the yin-yangs
have objections...
...I think we should let Marshall
run with this sucker."
Does that mean I still have a job?
That's great, Sam.
Let's celebrate.
No! There's something you
gotta do for me, Sam.
Take me over to Charlie's real quick.
- Why?
- I got a Christmas present for him.
You and Charlie have gotten
much closer, haven't you?
We need each other.
Marshall, you do know
I'm going home for Christmas.
Do you want to come?
The apartment's gonna
seem pretty lonely.
- Especially with Charlie gone.
- Yeah, it's real lonely.
I've been thinking about that.
I don't think it's right
for a man of his...
This age to be on his own.
Great. We can leave a day early.
No, I didn't mean...
I wasrt just talking
about the holidays.
I was thinking about all the time.
I mean...
Well, like...
Will you marry me?
Merry Christmas.
Okay, here's what we do.
The lama said when we wish,
we both have to be touching it.
- That's why it worked the first time.
- Right.
Get undressed, Dad.
You'll rip my pajamas.
Hit the lights.
Charlie, you okay?
It worked.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, Dad. All right.
What movie did you take him to?
Get some sleep.
What am I gonna do with that thing?
When you get back to Thailand,
you can find out who it belongs to.
Avery gave you a "go."
He wants you and Sam back there
after New Year's.
Awesome.
I want Mo to know
he'll always be welcome at my place.
And we'll be seeing
a lot more of you, right?
Yeah.
Boy, it sure feels good
to be 11 again.
And you must be glad to be...
How old are you, Dad?
Younger than I used to be, kid.
It's good to see you, Sam.
Did you tell him?
- Tell him what?
- That I said "yes."
Yes to what?
You can't have forgotten.
It was Just 20 minutes ago.
You proposed to me.
And you said "yes."
Sure, I told him.
He's almost as thrilled
about it as I am.