Violet Tendencies (2010) Movie Script
Riley.
Hedda, that outfit looks amazing.
Well, they loved it at city hall!
Yes, it's always impressive when
a priest wears knock off Pucci.
What would you expect?
Vatican drag?
No, but what'd the groom think?
Why do you think they're
shipping her off to Vermont?
Exactly.
Riley!
Hey guys, this is
my other half, Riley.
We've read all about you
on Markus' blog.
Oh, how's the rash?
Yeah! Has it cleared it up yet?
Markus claims to have
writer's block
but all he does is
blog, blog, biog!
I didn't know you had
writer's block!
That's because he hasn't
blogged about it.
I'm just a little stuck
on my new novel.
Oh, what's it about?
It's about a gay couple
having a biological child.
So it's horror?
If we had kids, could you imagine
what we would be doing right now?
Carpooling?
You blogged about my rash?
Sorry, honey.
Baby.
Hey Zeus.
Do you take change?
You cheap little bitch.
Sodomites, this is about me
for once!
First I want to thank manhunt.net
for sponsoring
my wedding reception.
Welcome!
You know, my relatives wanted me
to have a traditional ceremony.
Hello?!
You are my family!
You've been with me
through it all:
Fat, thin. A horrible addiction
to very expensive handbags.
But now I've got Michael!
Where's Michael?
Where is my man?
Give me back my man!
Oh there you are!
Many of you are thinking you're
not gonna see me again after today.
That I'm gonna disappear like
all the fag hags of your youth.
Well, you're rig ht
Finally I found a man who loves
me and my pussy.
I said he loves my pussy!
And he's gonna tear it apart
behind that picket fence!
We love you Audrey!
Oh, I love you too
You know I lasted as long as I
could with my boys.
Longer than any fag hag
ever has.
Well...
Any except Violet.
Toss the bouquet already!
The bouquet is yours Violet,
if I had one.
He's working at the
salon tonight.
But you're still together?
Of course.
Darian's perfect.
I actually think, I'm falling
in love with...
Apparently Dan's cock is so huge -
that the only way to fit it
in your mouth -
is to suck it while it's still soft.
Is that Beer Can Dan?
Yeah.
What about Darian?
Oh, Darian and Luke
have an understanding.
Uh oh, cock-block.
Deflected!
Luke may have more experience...
But his opponent is tenacious
It's battle of the bottoms.
And the biggest loser
comes out on top!
Hey beautiful!
Hey Zeus, you beast!
Look at ya.
Oh, I love it when you tease me!
So, I hear you and Luke
are joining forces.
Yes. God I love that guy.
He gave me his whole email list
he's getting sponsors
Oh, your benefit is going to be
off the hook.
New ink?
Yeah, check it out.
Ten years HIV positive,
still kicking.
You don't have to brand
yourself.
I just want everyone to know
there is life after:
Well, I'll be with you
in sickness
and in health, count on it.
I love you.
Paparazzi!
Next Magazine
No more pictures!
You'll ruin their reputation.
I implore you, no photos!
Really, no more pictures.
I gotta go!
See ya'!
Alright, we better go too.
Have a goodnight.
Hey, you too!
Dude!
What's with the skirt?
Violet?
Hey, I'm almost done.
I'm waiting behind the shrub.
Ok.
She's my roommate.
Yeah, you know man
that's a little weird actually.
Is she watching us?
She's harmless.
Fag hags, Jesus!
Hey!
More respect.
She's the last one.
Welcome to Frisky Friends
where singles unite!
You have 3 new Frisky Friends!
Salome, you sound just like
my mother.
Mather and I enjoy lung
country drives...
Message deleted.
Next message.
Hi Salome, I'm looking
for a committed,
lung term relationship with...
Message deleted. Next message.
It's mailman.
I'm dying ta get in a hut
session before we meet.
Mn Mailman.
It's Salome.
Got a delivery for me?
Another very big package.
What are you wearing?
Just two drops of
Chanel Number 5.
Still off today?
You wanna chill?
Let's go to Coney Island
and ride the Cyclone.
Yeah, let's do that.
So, how was Audrey's reception?
She was so happy.
I wish you could have been
there to see her face.
That's the one drawback to
owning my own business.
Not much free time.
I have my own business.
I think there is a little more
leeway with roving sex parties.
I'm branching out.
Can I use your salon for my
Lazy Tops and Power Bottoms
party?
My host bailed after the police
raid you know...
What?
You got hickeys again.
Oh, don't!
Who were you with last night?
Clearly an amateur:
Wait, let me get this right.
You watched two people
commit to one another;
Hooked up with some random and
then came crawling into bed with me?
I took a shower first.
Come on D!
I got cock-matized
So, why'd you come over?
Because I wanted
to sleep with you.
But you had sex
with somebody else.
It's not the same thing.
You know that.
You are as bad as I am.
Was.
We met at a glory hole.
I know where we met.
I can't do this anymore.
Wait a second...
You can't do this anymore?
Darian, we have an
understanding.
Well, I asked for a new
understanding.
If you can't give me that
I can't do this anymore.
Darian, come on.
You know that I...
You know I...
You know the impalas?
In Africa?
Did you know they have like
twenty sexual partners at a go?
And what's amazing is that not
one impala gets upset or angry
or says they can't
do it anymore.
You're right!
I'm gonna take a shower
When I'm out, I wanna find you gone,
my keys on the table
and I don't want you
coming around here anymore.
It's over!
But I love you.
Hi, do you have a minute
for future today?
Hi sir do you have a minute
for the future today?
Sorry, nope.
I'm not breeding.
Are you my mailman?
Cute socks!
Salome?
That's you.
My gay husband would kill
for those calves!
Please.
We're in public.
Oh honey its New York-
Everything happens
on the street.
So, Chinese is okay, rig ht?
I can't do it.
I once had the worse gas
off a plate of mu shu pork.
I get it, where should we go?
No, I can't do this.
I'm gonna take a pass.
You're gonna pass?
I know I lied on Frisky Friends
but I came clean
I mean, I gave you
my real stats.
Salome
I know this sounds clich but
It's not you...
It's me.
Really.
These were for you.
But I have experience.
I have walked the catwalks
in Paris, Milan,
London!
In nothing but pasties.
Here, see?
My collection is designer clothing.
They were designer pasties.
Bradleigh, please I need press,
help me!
Please.
For the passion we shared
when we were boys?
Larice, are you threatening me?
Yes.
So, you've seen the line sheet.
Bradleigh's new collection
was inspired by
the latest dinosaur discovered
down in Argentina.
Perfect! Let me know when you
want to come for the pull.
Okay.
Oh no, not again!
What is wrong with me, Riley?
Why do you keep saying that?
Nothing!
It's not you, it's him.
You are surrounded by men
who love you.
Love?
I deserve someone to love me
and my pussy
Like Audrey.
Do you hear me?
Um, I hear you.
Donna I would, if I could.
I've got tools.
Not now, Donna.
Still got my hymen.
What you need, Violet,
is the male version of you.
A fag stag.
A metrosexual?
No, no no no no
A metrosexual will only throw
you off the scent
What is it Salome?
I'm going to lunch.
Actually, not lunch.
I'm being taken out
for high-end water:
Can Violet cover reception?
One sec..
A fag stag is special.
He hangs out with gays because
he enjoys their energy and their
attention just like you do.
Does that sort of person
really exist?
I don't think so.
Can I have a carrot?
Nevermind.
I probably shouldn't.
My fuck buddy broke up with me.
Oh, no!
Really glad I never officially
moved in
because then I'm not officially
kicked out rig ht?
Sweetheart what happened?
Suddenly after three months
Darian is not a slut anymore.
What does he want?
Monogamy?
Sounds like something
I need lasered off.
I know.
Oh my gosh, Luke.
I think it might be time for us...
Please, don't say it.
Grow up.
I can hear that
from anyone but you.
But, maybe it's time.
I don't see what the problem is?
So I play around what's that
got to do with Darian?
But, you know I would
give my heart
A lung, and what's left
of my liver
to have a chance
with a man like Darian.
I mean, do you know
how lucky you are?
Can I tell you
what happened to me?
I met a frisky friend
for lunch today.
And he can't put up with me
for two minutes
I mean, leaves me on the street,
can you believe it?
I'm not even worth
a lousy lunch.
Which frisky friend?
What's his name
and where does he live?
Why, what are you going to do?
Beat him up.
Not only a mailman,
but a Gemini.
Have you known me
to stoop that low?
A Gemini!
Yeah, you dodged a bullet
on that one.
And he was probably bi-polar:
All Geminis are bi-polar:
Hi baby!
Good to see you.
Look at that ass in those jeans.
- Thank you.
- Scorching!
I have spammed my whole list.
Every last queen is going
to be at that benefit.
What about our queen mother?
Of course! I've already
poached some
last season Bradleigh
for the silent auction.
There is nothing I wouldn't do
to keep HIV stigma-free!
You should throw her on stage
to revive her high school tap routine.
I do a mean Shim-Sham-Shimmy.
Oh really?
Let's see those moves baby.
Oh, no one wants to see my moves,
when we can ogle yours.
Oh, that's not fail:
No, it's not fair at all!
Okay...
next time I get dumped
in the real world
it's going to be
by someone hot like Zeus,
Not some bi-polar mailman.
Tell it, girl.
Why, oh why, can't I find
a straight man?
Why can't I?
Why don't you try
a straight bar?
Who'll go with me?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying!
Okay, you don't need
to go anywhere
We will find you a fag stag.
Riley's convinced
that I'll find a straight man
masquerading around
the gay world.
Actually, a fag stag
is urban legend.
Okay, well you have about an hour
to find this mythical unicorn
before mama goes home
for phone sex.
She is not lying.
You know maybe Frisky Friends
is not the best way
to meet a man.
It's a numbers game Markus
It's a numbers game
I'm just saying no more Geminis.
How about the internet?
I talk better that I type baby!
Uh Oh, here comes
the fuck me voice
Look out!
Oh that feels so good
I love it on the right side
of my...
Tuna juice!
Enough about your gash wound.
Thank you.
Stop calling my pussy
a gash wound!
- Okay.
- Hey guys
He?! What's going on?
- Hello Goddess!
- Hey sweetie.
- So good to see you.
- You too.
You guys have fun tonight.
Thank you.
Remember when
Peter and Derek were
looking for a surrogate
for their gayby?
You know they asked Violet,
rig ht?
I'm like, HELLO!!
Entrance only,
and still they pleaded.
I'm like find another womb!
How hard can it be?
Seriously half the world
has one!
Who did they find?
Derek's sister:
I understand
it's someone else's egg
She's just a surrogate but...
Don't you think it can catch
I don't know, incest by osmosis?
That's beautiful.
What a beautiful gift of love
from Derek's sister.
It's not as if Derek
could fall pregnant.
Well, he's been trying
for years.
Markus' new novel, actually,
is about a man who gives birth.
Well it's about how life would
be different if men could give birth.
Well, I'll tell you.
Abortion clinics
on every corner!
Oh, hold on!
Here comes the coat hanger again.
I'm sorry, your balls are
in the way.
That's not funny!
That's not funny at all!
Your color is fantastic.
Who does it?
I was Done by Darian.
Who hasn't been?
Darian...
Yeah
Are you still going to
donate your coupon
for the silent auction
Zeus is doing?
Of course.
I also got couple of things
for you.
Stop by the salon alright?
I will.
How about the hottie
right over there?
YOU are SO mean to me.
Wait, who's that?
Riley says that's my fag stag.
Unicorn
Sweet, thanks!
Cheers!
Drinks on me.
Oh my God.
Salome.
OH MY GOD!
Are you dead?
What happened to you?
You look...Amazing.
Feed me!
Promise me you won't tell anyone
you found me behind a dumpster:
Okay?
Alright.
I am really worried.
When I don't eat,
I get sleepy, okay?
Salome, you're naturally thin.
If I was you, I'd only be eating
And fucking.
Violet, let me tell you something:
Fucking is overrated.
Guys line up around the block
to fuck me.
It is really tiresome.
There is a guy right here in
this diner that wants to fuck me.
Who?
Black guy, Oscar Giovanni
scarf, biceps.
He's behind you.
He doesn't know that he
should know
that l know he's cruising me,
you know?
Wait.
He's actually cruising you.
Oh my god!
Just play aloof.
Violet!
Stop with the straw.
You lost him.
And you're gonna keep losing them
until you get off your racket.
My racket?
Your racket is what's stopping you.
Well, I don't look like you.
It's not just your looks.
There is someone for everyone.
I believe that.
Thanks.
Let me ask you something.
Where were you earlier?
Out with the boys.
Okay.
Do you know that story
in the news about
the family of peacocks that took
in the orphan elephant?
Oh, yes.
And then the elephant ran around
thinking it was a peacock?
So sweet.
It's not sweet.
It's ridiculous.
Picture it!
Violet, you are not a peacock!
You are an...
Have you ever thought maybe
your gay friends
just don't wanna share you?
No.
They wanna keep you wrapped up
in their own little world
away from men who want women.
That's a horrible thing to say.
Do you wanna get married
and have kids?
No.
See?
The gays have totally
warped your mind.
They do refuse to go
to straight bars.
And they are always insulting
my pussy.
But no, my friends want
what I want.
Okay.
Okay what?
You're not willing
to be coachable.
I am!
I am coachable.
Then I can help.
God...
I ate so much.
I'm just gonna hit
the ladies' room.
I might be a minute...
or two.
Just pick a number:
10,000 words a day.
I wish...
it's just that... you know
their baby is born
and I've lost the plot
Maybe male mothers
eat their young.
Thanks, that's very helpful.
Baby!
Gays don't breed.
It's what separates us
from the animals.
We should invest in valuable
real estate instead.
Let's do that...
How about that rooftop
at Audrey's reception?
How about...
this valuable real estate, ha?
Right here...
It's looking a bit neglected.
Seriously...
we're not breeders.
We don't have to worry about
the rest of the planet.
Global warming, recycling...
Oh, I would hate to recycle!
So why not write about that?
Because I'm writing
a fantasy, Riley.
Your husband is an idealist.
Doll, I love you...
but I'm not your husband.
It's their word.
It could be our word.
Pear puree?
What's this?
Just research...
okaY---
I've got an idea...
I wanna take you out
tomorrow night for some solid food.
Cheer you up.
I love you.
I love my husband!
I love you
I love my husband!
I love you
Ah... husband
Just found this
at the flea market!
What do you think?
Cute, ha?
You can drape it
you can belt it,
you can crimp it!
You can knock it off in China
for 50 cents a pop.
Precisely.
Make that happen.
Remind me to give this splendor
to Donna when she gets back.
Oh hey!
Drinks tonight?
Markus has writers' group.
I have a dinner date tonight
and I don't plan
on coming home after:
Not another frisky friend?
Why do you say it like that
"another frisky friend"?
What, do you want me
all to yourself? Or what?!?
Wow!
It's about a "day of beauty" coupon
for a silent auction I'm doing
I just gave it to you.
Okay, thanks
I actually wanted to speak with
Darian about another matter'...
I already told you
Darian is with a client.
Hey yo!
Darian, hey!
Am I invisible?
Yeah, to me.
Darian listen, is now a bad time?
Now is good.
Okay, thanks so much
for this coupon
Can we speak in private?
Since when do you care
about private?
Okay.
Well D
I wanna invite you to
a nice dinner or...
something romantic
of your choice.
Um.. why?
Well, you know that story
in the book
with Noah and ...animals and
Wait, wait, wait.. Noah's Ark?
And a bird brought Noah a twig
which meant everything
is gonna be okay.
So, you're here as...
as a twig?
I'm here to show you
just how much
I want everything to be okay for us.
Wow! Luke... thank you...
for that rare glimpse of sincerity.
And thank you for stopping by...
But this is...
The rest of your stuff..
from my apartment.
Don't... don't cry
You know you like that one...
aah come on!
Goad buy!
Put it on there now..
no, on top of it, ok?
Put it on there.
Little person.
Um... this is Joey.
Say hi Joey
Hey!
Ashley's sitter called in sick...
Ashley?
My mentor from writers group
And how often does
Ashley's sitter call in sick?
Oh... um.. just Fridays...
sometimes Wednesdays.
You couldn't tell me?
You know, sometimes
you're not that easy
to talk to about certain things.
Not that easy to talk to...
Ashley's just running late..
She'll be here any minute.
Markus I just want
what's best for us.
You know, to move up,
get ahead, own some property.
You know this gig
can help us save.
Ashley set me up baby sitting
for others too.
Yeah, she's done wonders
for your writing..
I'm really good with kids, okay?
Just look at Joey...
Isn't he adorable?
Just look at him.
Oh, Joey...baby
Welcome to the
Lazy Tops, Power Bottoms party.
Show me your dick.
I've just got to make sure
you're not the police.
Here's a bag for your clothes.
Welcome to the Lazy Tops,
Power Bottoms party.
$40 please.
I'm on the list
Okay, what are you doing here?
I came to fuck my brains out.
Um.. in front of all these people?
With all these people.
Okay, what the hell is going on here?
You're deliberately trying to hurt me?
Take it easy, Luke...
Haven't you heard about
the impalas in Africa?
Hey sweetie!
Hi!
Frisky friend 265, Mike.
Hey!
Donnie and I worked together
as flight attendants
Air hostesses!
Oh, yes.
In the unlikely event
of a water landing,
you're all gonna die!
That's nice!
Thank you
I'll be back to get your orders
in a bit.
Okay.
Air hostess, ha?
Oh, my ticket out of Idaho.
I got some buddies out West...
That's beautiful country.
Uh, beautiful yeah, but...
all anyone wants for you
is the same old stuff...
you know, get married,
have kids.
I want something different,
you know.
Yeah, I hear you.
Yeah?
Yeah, we're an island
of misfits.
I actually moved here
to be around
more open-minded women.
You still in the friendly skies?
No, I had to give it up.
Oh, after 9/11?
Oh, no!
I just kept ballooning up
on the plane food
No way.
Oh, yes way. I mean Donnie...
Donnie used to have
a 29 inch waist
I mean, I lost most
of what I put on,
I mean, except for my fupa...
but I'm fine with it.
Umm, with what?
Fupa.
Fat Upper Pussy Area.
But... it's a little fupa,
a happy fupa.
I would hate to see
an angry one.
Oh yeah we can't have that.
Uh, what would you recommend?
The chicken cutlet here
is excellent.
But I would stay away from
cheese tonight if I were you.
Why is that?
Clogs up your anal cavity.
I did not know that.
Oh, except for goat cheese.
You know there is some enzyme
that makes it okay.
This isn't good dinner
conversation, is it?
No, no, no... be yourself.
Um.. I hear zucchini
is great for down there.
Most veggies are...
okra is the best.
I'm all about anal health.
Oh, me too.
It's just good manners.
So, are you kids ready?
Yes.
I'll have the chicken fried
steak, please.
Chicken fried steak, you sir?
- Just a burger:
- Burger:
No cheese!
Oh, that's work,
I've gotta take this.
Okay.
Oh, sweetie he is fine!
I don't know why
you're bothering with dinner:
You're right put in that order;
pronto!
I will honey, I will.
That was the best sex
of my life.
You're so high energy.
You want games?
I'll out-slut you in a second.
Hey, round two at my place?
This time, I'll do all the work.
What are you doing home?
You're supposed to be gone all night.
Well, you're cleaning? It's Friday.
Aren't you supposed to be
bringing queers together?
Well,
It smells like poppers in here
Where did you have your party?
The police raided
our last location, so...
so?
No!
You got home before I could...
Is that shit on my bedspread?
That's not shit.
That is shit!
No, that is definitely not shit.
It's biss.
Biss?
Butt piss.
Oh God! That is so gross Luke,
oh my god!
I'm sorry! Somebody must
have gone
overboard with enemas.
I'm... I'm doing laundry now
Listen I was gonna tell you
but I thought maybe...
You thought maybe I would object
to a gay sex party in my bedroom?
That doesn't turn you on?
No, it does not turn me on.
That's the problem.
I'm not one of you.
Salome was rig ht
I've just become way too enmeshed
in your world.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna wash everything...
It's OKAY because I'm
emancipating myself from this...
Is that biss on the table cloth?
It's not my biss.
I don't care whose biss it is!
And he just left a twenty.
Cheap fucker!
He walked out on you?
Just like that?
Were you being outrageous?
I may have been a little outrageous.
This is more than cosmetic
you know that, rig ht?
Make-up can clear blemishes
and stuff...
but not even top of the line
L'Oreal can fix a fucked-up face.
And what we have here
is a fucked-up face.
What are you saying?
I'm saying surgery.
You need to go under knife
and kill the fag hag inside.
Yes, okay.
She's gone.
Just snip her out.
She's dead.
Great.
So what are you doing Thursday?
Going outwith... friends.
It's our ritual.
It's your racket.
Are you coachable?
Yes, I'm coachable.
What's happening?
Well, a promoter friend of mine
is launching a new weekly party
Thursdays at Fine Feline.
Want to be my plus-one?
You want me to be your plus-one?
I celebrate diversity, you know that.
Plus I owe you one.
Salome, wow, I'm...
I'm very flattered.
I'm gonna have a table
with bottle service and everything.
Did you know Markus was running
a nursery out of our apartment?
Maybe.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why is nobody talking to me?
It's all on the blog.
And I'm not going to be able
to go out Thursday.
Why not?
Because you're a cock-blocker.
No, Riley.
It's because I'm never gonna
get what I want
if I keep repeating the same
patterns of behavior.
In other words... cock-blocker:
What should I wear on Thursday?
Uh.. okay let me see...
Let the pussy out of the bag...
Dress code: the cattier, the better.
Are you wearing
a fucking cat suit?
Thank you very much.
Hey Violet!
Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Hey stop!
Where are you going so fast?
Home.
Isn't this the outfit you wore
to the fetish ball...2007?
Good memory.
Yeah, well I always notice you.
Oh, you might be the only one.
Careful!
Do you ever just feel
like you don't belong anywhere?
Hello.
Why do you think
I was so big into heroin.
You're clean now, right?
Yes, two yea rs.
Damn.
Look... Violet...
Before I came here,
before you ever knew me,
no one wanted a thing
to do with me.
I swear, not anyone.
Well, now we have all these
friends and they...
They love us.
They shower us
with all this attention
Yeah, I mean,
that doesn't hurt either:
Well, attention doesn't sleep
with you at night...
well, not with me.
Come here
It's alright.
Sorry.
No, it's not you. It's just...
I'm positive, you know.
It's just kissing.
Some people won't even
share the same spoon.
Some people are stupid.
Ah, I'm stupid.
Why am I kissing a gay boy?
God!
I'm retired.
Retired?
I want to be wanted, Zeus.
It's not fair to me, okay?
This fruit fly is finished.
You have one new frisky friend.
Hi! Salome...
My dad owns the general store
of the Idaho town where I grew up
He expected me ta take it aver,
but I came ta New York
ta became an architect.
I'm Vern and Pd love
to hear your story.
Vern?
Violet!
Hey, are you home?
No.
Can we talk?
No.
Are you on that phone line again?
No!
I need love.
Me too.
I miss Darian.
You try too hard,
women don't do that.
I am just being myself.
Exactly.
Stop it.
Now just close your eyes
and simply ask the universe.
The benevolent universe will
always manifest what you need.
That's not true.
If I fall from a ten-story building,
am I gonna manifest wings?
No. But you can manifest a truckload
of mattresses on the street below.
You watch too many cartoons.
What?
It could happen.
Gerald?
Salome.
How are you gorgeous?
Can I get you a non-fat soy latte?
Yes... what a coincidence.
See Violet, I was just manifesting
a non-fat soy latte.
Fine Feline was major; huh?
So major.
Well, Violet didn't like it.
Not major:
Oh, cat-woman.
Go on Gerald...
Don't forget 16 splendas
and a stir-stick, thanks.
Voila.
Notice my lack of effort?
The lesson here is that the universe
would never tell you to put on
a pleather catsuit...
so don't try so hard next time, ok?
Oh, I'm not going back
to Fine Feline again.
You promised you were coachable.
I'm gonna coach myself.
You can't coach yourself!
You'll never manifest a man
that way.
There's more then one way
to skin a cat.
That's funny... not true.
But funny.
Yeah, when we meet, I'll take
you an a tour of lust gems.
I'm very sentimental when it
comes ta architecture.
I adore sentimental men, Vern.
We'll start with the Roxy.
The Roxy! You've been?
Spanish inspired interior,
the soaring columns,
it's rococo style rotunda
The Roxy had a rococo rotunda?
I really wish I could have seen it.
Oh my gosh,
I used to go all the time.
Haw?
It was demolished in 1961.
The gay club?
No!
The Roxy was a movie palace
Where the Rockettes began.
The high-kicking, showgirl Rockettes?
Originally they were
the Roxy-ettes.
Oh, the Roxy.
You know there's a famous
Life Magazine shot
of Gloria Swanson standing
on the rubble
in a red baa
as they tare it dawn.
Gloria Swanson in a red boa?
I have manifested a fag stag.
You manifested a fag.
Gloria Steinem never wore a boa.
Gloria Swanson.
Vern is straight!
Bradleigh, do straight men
know who Gloria Swanson is?
Norma Desmond?
Only if they're gay.
Come on!
Only gays obsess over faded,
deluded, once beautiful women.
We can relate.
See!
Climax Magazine is here.
Marjorie Max.
Violet, skedaddle.
Gentlemen.
Marjorie!
Right this way.
The inspiration for this season is
punk, Pocahontas and prehistoric.
Clever: I see we're into alliteration.
This frill must be the prehistoric.
Pterodactyl in heat?
More or less.
Ah, fur. You have no qualms about
killing these cute little critters?
Bradleigh says fur comes from trees.
Fir trees.
Look at me, pretending to care.
I just don't see how it
fits in to my story.
I've seen you in Climax before.
I modeled for the magazine
once, yes.
Oh don't remind me,
long time ago.
It was a matinee idol story?
Yeah.
This mug once was very lucrative.
And perfect for the "Daddy"
in this fall's editorial shot
by Stephen Miser!
Stephen Miser? Oh be still
my beating heart.
What's the story?
I love Daddy!
But I'm not old enough
to be a Daddy.
Tell you what.
You be Climax magazine's Daddy
and I'll give Bradleigh's
prehistoric line some
p-p-p-placement.
Get ready for your close up,
Norma.
Do you have a minute
for the children?
You have got to be kidding me!
Excuse me sir; do you have
a minute for the children?
Baby I'm home.
Jim had a hysterectomy.
Hey Violet is not coming
to your reading,
I think she's boycotting us.
I can't believe I had
to give him a hysterectomy.
It's changed everything.
What?
Jim, in my novel.
Sorry for Jim.
How was your day, honey?
Oh great.
Bradleigh says you can join for
our trip to Taipei in November.
What trip?
Remember Bradleigh won
Designer of the Year in Taiwan?
Right. But, you know in November
I'll be in edits.
Baby, you can bring
your computer to Taipei.
Come on, it's
all-expense paid travel.
It'll advance my career:
A chance to forget babies
and hysterectomies.
Oh my God, don't remind me.
It's so sad!
So, are you in?
Could we maybe swing by
Polynesia on the way to Taipei?
You know, Ashley showed me
this great new site.
There's not much red tape,
they make it so much easier.
What site?
Adoptakanakababy.com
Baby let's just check it out.
No strings.
It might break up the monotony
of our lives.
The monotony of our lives?
Yeah. You know, maybe that's why
Violet is boycotting us.
Change is good.
Come on baby, relax.
Feels nice?
Yeah, come on.
That smell, is that?
Baby oil.
Isn't it wonderful?
Polynesia is on the way
to Taiwan, right?
No...
If you suck cock, hang up now.
If you think you might enjoy
sucking cock in the future,
hang up now.
Vern?
Hello, Vern?
I'm not gay-
But you go to gay bars, right?
Why in the world would
I do that?
Oh, well I had to ask.
So, what are you into?
What do you mean?
I mean, what are you
passionate about?
Web', what I do
Architecture.
I'm especially fascinated
with columns.
Columns?
Wanna talk about
thick, rock hard shafts?
What about them?
How about putting them up
my chimney pot, Mn Architect. Yeah?
Then stucco my flying buttress
to the wall!
Uh, Salome,
I'm just a normal guy.
I can do normal.
I want to be up front
and let you know
I'm looking for
a simple kind of woman.
That's me, I'm a simple girl.
From Idaho.
My face is rural too!
I have an ample bosom and a...
well, my whole body
is kind of ample.
I really wanna meet you
and get frisky but
if you're expecting some,
I don't know,
thin-hipped bitch who's gonna...
I'm nut!
You're not?
Nu, I want a keeper, Salome.
Me, too.
And it's Violet.
I lied.
Well, we all fib an Frisky Friends.
So what's your real name?
I mean, I know it's not Vern.
Nu, it is Vern.
Oh, well you have
a nickname or anything?
My parents call me Chippy.
So, Vern, what did you fib about?
I don't know exactly
but I probably did fib
Now that I know your name, Violet,
do you stiff wanna meet?
Bethesda fountain.
Same time?
10 am and I'll be wearing red.
Red hot.
Can't wait!
You did lie.
Oh I can't take it this!
Hello?
Vern you are a liar!
I can't take this!
No, no I can't!
I can't!
Help! Help!
Please!
No, I just can't!
Get away from me you lunatic!
Everyone's a fucking freak.
I just can't deal with this anymore.
Violet, is that you?
What are you doing down there?
Did you loose a contact
or something?
Vern?
You must be Daddy.
Riley.
Hi, I'm Jenny.
Matt's mom.
He looks like a complete angel,
doesn't he?
Don't be fooled.
He's an absolutely
unmanageable child.
So was I.
You have kids?
I'm gay.
No, no kids.
Alright if you worked
a Stephen Miser set,
You know I don't wanna hear anyone,
I don't wanna see anyone
Unless it's through my lens.
Child. Love your Daddy, hmm?
Mn Miser; I'm
Poof!
Matt?
No! I wanna stay with Riley.
Hey it's ok buddy, your mom and I,
we're gonna make plans. I promise.
Gotta go. C'mon hun.
Sweetie!
The UN is the first
international building in the US.
I suppose that concludes our tour:
I loved it.
Should we go for drinks?
Why in the world would I
want to do that
When I can be with you alone.
Do you go drinking a lot?
I wouldn't say that.
I may have partied a little
in my youth.
But that is behind me.
You're so beautiful.
Your place or mine?
You don't want to go home together
on our first date?
No! umm no!
Of course not.
I'm totally teasing.
Funny lady.
Come on. Let me walk you home.
Oh, baby you're home.
I'm almost ready.
So.
I checked out
adoptakanakababy.com.
You did?
And?
And I didn't see anything
about refunds or exchanges.
I also never imagined
in my entire gay life
that the topic of children
would ever come up.
Neither did I. But I guess
secretly I hoped that it would.
What is that?
Markus
I love you
I want you to have everything
you want.
Even if it's not what you want?
How will I know if we don't
get a chance to practice?
Oh my god.
You got me a Toy Pomeranian?
You wanted a Toy Pomeranian
since you were ten.
Well, that or a Chihuahua...
and you know how I feel about rats.
You've been reading my blog.
Oh, Thank you.
I thought you were an ex-Mormon?
I left the church,
but I haven't been excommunicated.
Stick with me kid.
Wait a minute.
If you're not a Mormon,
why can't you enjoy
a glass of wine with me?
I don't like it.
You told me you've
never had a drink.
I haven't.
How do you know
you don't like it?
Do I need to sleep with a man
to know I don't like it?
You know them?
Ah, co-workers.
Actually they are pretty great.
Umm...we could go out with them
sometime, if you wanted to.
Where would we go?
We could go to a gay ban
I think that'd be too much
anthropology for this architect.
I told you I'm not very social.
Where do you go for fun?
To sleep.
I prefer to have my fun early.
I'm a big fan
of column-watching.
Column-watching?
Yeah.
Tomorrow I'll be up before 5
to catch them at sunrise.
Holy fuck!
Sunrise?
Yeah, sunrise is my favorite
time of day.
Well, if you want to catch the worm.
Or if you wanna see
Corinthian columns come to life.
So, you just uh...
sit there and stare?
It's a form of meditation for me.
We all have our own way
of getting centered
in this crazy city and that's mine.
Absolutely sweetie.
I mean whatever it takes.
You must think I'm freak.
- Most people think I'm a freak.
- Most people think I'm a freak.
No!
No, actually I don't.
And I think columns are magnificent.
Do you want to watch them with me?
You might have to sleep over
if you did.
Check!
Oh, okay.
Have my babies, have my babies
What?
Just making sure the condom
is still on.
Of course it is.
Have my babies, have my babies!
Move to Idaho
and have Chippy's babies.
Look.
Look now
Are you sleeping through this?
No, just resting my eyes.
Watch as the sun dances across
the granite at each new moment.
Watch.
Look, magic.
Hey! Guess what?
You got a dog.
How'd you know?
Women know.
I also know that you were
never going to get a dog.
You have to bend over and pick
up the poop. Remember?
Baby makes Markus happy
so I've changed.
You called a dog Baby?
You are such a lesbian.
Markus named him
but thank you Donna.
How's the hymen?
You know my hymen -
hanging in there.
Come over tonight, meet Baby.
Oh, I can't.
Dinner with Vern.
Pre-game before Zeus' benefit
at Vlada?
Oh, that's Friday night.
Oh shit!
I have plans with Vern Friday night.
Vern, Vern, Vern.
Bring Vern.
Uhm
I don't think he's gonna
want to go.
We're all dying to meet him.
The timing is just not right.
I'm just not comfortable having him
know about my past.
What's wrong with your past?
Oh, please don't take it personal.
You know the truth is
I don't even know if Vern's my type.
So you'd rather be with him
than with us for a cause
you've always supported?
Don't worry, I'll stop by.
You act like it's such a burden.
I said I'll stop by,
so leave it alone.
Dating is stressful enough without
this extra pressure from you,
and texts from Luke.
And these super pokes from friends
on Facebook I don't even know!
Love,
Vern
It's tough being popular.
I'm gonna name my first born Daisy.
It's that time of the month, huh?
- I hate when men do that.
- Why do men always say that?
Wow.
The billionaire that got away
used to send me pink daisies.
Letting him get away
is the biggest regret of my life.
Not because we had anything
in common, we didn't.
But it was this game he loved
called Snooker:
What's that?
I don't really know.
And your point is?
My point is...
I never bothered to learn Snooker...
and now he's on a yacht in
the Maldives with someone who did.
Was the sex good?
Standard missionary.
Vern, too.
Really vanilla.
I mean just...
we don't have that much
in common, either:
Violet...
this guy sends you flowers.
He actually likes you.
He does, he likes me.
So he's got possibility.
And compatibility is not possibility.
All you've got to do now...
is fake interest
in what interests him.
And then after that he's yours
to mold any old way you want.
Am I right Donna?
What the fuck do you want?
You should want this.
He's boring.
Do you want to be loved,
or do you want to be entertained?
I want to be entertained?
No, no, no!!
What happened to my
vegan wedding?
Yeah, okay...
Yes, fine I stole
your stanky ass strap-on!
In a roundabout way, Donna
is supporting what I'm saying.
I doubt that.
And... what are you saying?
Compatibility is not possibility.
Violet...
learn the Snooker.
You watching me?
Maybe...
How are things going
at the salon?
Ahh...drama.
Had to fire my receptionist.
She was a bitch.
Yeah.
Shall we...
call a truce to the dueling sluts?
Maybe.
You're here!!
Oh my god! Did you see
the silent auction?
No!
I made Markus put money
on Liza Minelli's g-string.
And I'm winning!
You guys are bombed.
Open bar. Hello!
What can we get you to drink?
No, nothing I can't be drunk
when I see Vern
Oh, sorry I missed your reading.
Oh, that's okay.
Violet turned down a free drink?
I know, she's... not herself.
I told you.
Thank you so much for all
your support and encouragement.
Just wait, I mention you
in my speech.
To think you used to let
people assume
you were just some dumb stripper:
Cha-ching!
I have found it's best not to
challenge people's assumptions.
Who said a go-go boy
can't be the hero?
I know...
Hey you gonna join us
on Thursday at Gym Bar?
I won't.
In fact tonight...
is sort of my cameo appearance.
Retirement?
What's that about?
Come on. It sounds like you're
running away from home to me.
I'm doing what's best for me.
Are you sure about this?
You wanna talk about it?
I'd love to...
but it's the pumpkin hour:
Congratulations.
6:30?
You can't leave.
You're gonna miss my speech.
No, you can't leave.
Come on... stay and then...
Afterwards you can
come back to my place...
we'll bake cookies, watch Beaches.
I have Kylie Karaoke.
I love Kylie Karaoke!
Well, then say yes.
I'm terrified of rejection.
Oh, you have never been rejected!
In your life.
You have no idea.
And Zeus said you're working
on an anti-violence benefit next.
And one for the Trevor Project
after that.
I'm impressed.
Thanks.
Yeah, Zeus is really insistent
we reach out to
straight people too, which is...
kind of intimidating
since I don't know any.
Except for Violet, but yeah...
always Violet.
This sounds like a great opportunity.
Who knows there might be
hope for you yet.
What do you mean hope for me?
Just hope... you break out
of your limited gay world.
Oh, that's rich coming
from a hairdresser:
Hair-stylist.
Whatever:
Still not much hope for you.
Can you please stop with the games?
You started the games.
Well, I'm through.
You want to keep playing,
play with someone else.
I often do.
Max, I just want you to know
that you are this close to having me.
Luke, I'm really sorry
but I can't talk now.
He is on the clock.
Oh, for Heaven sake!
Zeus
kiss me.
Luke, I am flattered.
Don't be.
Just take me home and ravage me.
Ah Zeus, I've got issues.
Yes, you do.
You got issues too.
Are we gonna be alone forever?
It depends on your definition
of alone, doesn't it?
How long have you been
in the city now?
About 4 yea rs.
4 years and I have never once
seen you with a boyfriend.
Nope.
You never come
to my sex parties either:
You know I have poz events.
They're not my thing.
So what gets you going, big boy?
It's way off your radar:
I wonder if you'd even treat me
the same if you knew.
Two boys, one plunger:
Ewww, no.
Bartender; can I get a drink?
One second.
What happened to Violet?
She just bolted out of here.
What's going on with your BFF?
My BFF is MIA.
She is umm...
She's dating somebody.
What?
Wh...who?
Who's she dating?
Unicorn?
The mythical Unicorn!
Shhhh!
I'm not ready to come out yet.
Oh!
Oh you are fascinating.
Well so what? I mean
my roommate is gay.
Does he have HIV?
No.
But what if he did?
Well then I'd be concerned
for your health and safety.
See, this is why we need
to make HIV stigma-free.
Why shouldn't HIV have a stigma?
I mean it is preventable.
What about 70's high-rises
and pre-fabricated homes,
they have a stigma, right?
Okay, but we're talking about people.
People, not buildings.
What is wrong with you?
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated.
I've been after these Biedermeier
chairs on e-bay all day.
Oh, well...
If you're outbid, there'll be others.
You're a patient man.
It's not everyday you find matching
Beidermeier chairs on e-bay.
Where would they fit in
your apartment?
I'm shipping them back
to my folks with all the rest.
Oh, you're moving back?
Eventually.
Idaho's not really
column country, I'm afraid.
Bonneville is one of the fastest
growing counties in the country.
So there is plenty of work, and
I'll be renovating the homestead.
You'd love my folks.
Would you ever consider moving back?
I kinda moved away on purpose.
Me, too.
But I look around at my friends
and co-workers and...
they don't mean much.
I think what really matters is...
who matters.
Vern,
teach me about the Snooker
I mean the Beidermeier.
Why do you love it so?
Beidermeier is an
unpretentious classic.
Devoid of...
unnecessary embellishment.
You can keep taking things off,
you know.
Not to change the subject,
but have you had cheese today?
I don't think so.
I took this tantric class
on the sacred spot massage.
Would you let me...
help you release
some of that e-bay tension?
Babe, you could show Le Corbusier
the golden ratio in a Frank Gehry.
Now, just relax and trust me.
Ooops, sorry!
My bad.
Who's that?
Oh never mind, just relax.
I got 8 inches for you.
You want my 8 inches?
What, you gonna fuck me twice?
Most men hold their tension
in the pelvic floor
which is why the sacred spot
massage is so important.
I mean it really makes you
more peaceful.
That's why you don't see the gays
marching off to war.
Who's that?
Shhhh.
Okay, here we go.
That's so wild.
It's good, ha?
Chippy likes it wild.
Wild is good.
Hey, I can see you're busy,
but can I borrow a condom.
Take this blindfold off.
Violet, you can't live like this.
I got to get you out of here now.
Come on you can stay with me.
Okay, I'll pack.
Let's just go.
Now.
OkaY
Help?
Oh!
Ashley adopted in Namibia.
How was that experience?
Better than giving birth,
Actually I'm not so sure,
Africa can be notoriously difficult.
Joey, play nice!
So what are you writing
these days?
No more fiction, no.
Now I write daily blogs
about my children.
Children?
Number two is on the way.
Darling, today blogs begin
at conception.
Mommy I gotta go.
Not now.
Oh she's so cranky when
she's teething.
I had to go to the doctor to get
some Xanax just to get through it.
It's your other daddy!
He'?-
Hey Matt.
How are you doing?
Where is my big boy?
Come here!
Oh, you okay?
We're fine.
I'm Markus.
Oh Markus, I'm Jenny.
This is Riley's boyfriend,
I mean partner:
I never know what to say.
We never know either.
Husband, actually.
Markus is my husband.
Husband, husband, husband
I want these personally
delivered to 77 7th Avenue
My boyfriend bought it for me.
No.
What?
What's so goddamned funny?
Well, I'm not laughing with you.
What have you manifested?
He's in your office.
Donna!
Boss?
I finally found the inspiration
for my fall line:
Bedouin tents.
Yeah?
I understand they're
mildew-resistant.
Is it that hideous?
It's just... not you, is all.
Well,
Vern likes me this way
I'm gonna pretend like
I didn't hear that.
I know what you're thinking.
Yeah, probably.
What if I wanna get married
and move far, far away?
What?
Audrey did it.
And I can only assume
she's very happy.
You're not Audrey.
I turned 40 this year; Riley. 40!
I'm like the oldest living fag hag.
Vern...
Vern might be my last chance
to settle down.
Settle just about sums it up.
You are not a woman.
You do not know the pressures...
I know you!
So?
So you've never covered up.
You've never ignored your friends.
And you told me to kill you dead
if you ever; ever changed fora man.
You told me to kill you if ever;
ever you changed for a man.
How have 1...?
Sure it's just the dog
being housebroken?
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
You wanna be an asshole?
I'm the asshole?
Get over there.
Yes, you're the asshole.
Oh fuck you.
Fuck you!
Yeah, roll the parachute up.
Should we check with Vern?
You know I'm wearing the dress,
but I also got the balls.
Oh that's fine with me because...
You wanna go check with Baby?
Oh, you're on my hair!
Oww!
No biting!
Ouch!
Oww!
You hit me.
Bradleigh wants the camera.
Okay.. that was fucking hot.
It'd be an honor to model
for your ad campaign, Bradleigh.
It's Brad-LAY
Oh, Brad-LAY, sorry.
That Marc Jacobs ad
was shot in Maine.
Ocean was so icy my junk
just nearly shriveled right up!
You're new to the city
I take it?
Just got in last Friday.
We're gonna take a quick photo.
Hi, I'm Violet.
Oh, hi I'm Cyd.
But call me J-Flame...
everybody does.
J-Flame?
I just realized I don't have
anything that will fit you.
Oh, everything fits me.
I'm sample size.
True.
You got a great look.
I could use the color
in my ad campaign...
or sprawled on my chinchilla rug.
So lamentably the truth is you're
just too swishy
to model for Bradleigh.
Swishy?
Swi-SHAY.
But modeling only has to do
with how I look.
Who told you that?
What?
Go do an email blast.
When you told me last night
you loved me...
Did you mean it?
Where the hell have you been?
I haven't seen you in like a week.
I have huge news.
What the hell are you wearing?
Vern took me shopping.
Okay. Was he the Vern?
Yes, but you know
after your rude interruption
we spent the most amazing
week together:
And I'm not gonna say anything else
because I don't wanna jinx it.
Hello naked boy in my house.
I'm Andre.
I'm going to go grab
another cup of coffee.
Anybody else want?
No, thanks.
He won't leave.
You might soon be in the market
for a new roommate.
What do you mean?
You're not leaving.
Things are moving kinda quickly.
I haven't even met Vern.
I think that's why
they are going so great.
I also happen to know that you're
keeping him from Markus and Riley.
How can you be nesting with someone
who doesn't even know
your best friends?
How could he possibly know you?
What's your huge news?
I found your fag stag.
Fine as fine can be...
and honey, he is into you.
I know him?
Yes!
Who?
When am I meeting Vern?
You're not.
Okay, are you ashamed
of your friends?
Or you ashamed of yourself, huh?
I could live here.
Oh boy.
Oh, Saturday afternoon is great.
Oh, I don't know.
What about you?
I'd really like to go to Central Park.
We could stroll through the rambles...
picnic at Cherry Hill...
gaze at the Dakota?
Mmm hmm...
I prefer to wait for the light.
There's no traffic.
There's no traffic!
It's one of the ways
I practice patience.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
What are you gonna do with me?
Practice patience.
Lot of men checking you out.
Oh, hi Violet!
Women, too.
Are you famous?
Look. Gargoyle!
What in the world
is going on here?
I totally forgot
that this lawn is a...
boy-hive.
Vern, I am afraid that
something is about to go down
and I need to tell you.
What is it?
You can tell me anything.
Remember my roommate?
I was blindfolded at the time.
He's just the tip of... you know
all my life I've been a fruit fly.
What?
Fag hag?
Queen mother?
Every last man in my life is gay.
We'll get through this.
Vernon, run!
No, wait!
What is going on here?
This is an intervention.
Just give me a minute.
No, please.
We want him to stay.
Who are you people?
We're her friends
More than friends.
In a totally not sexual way, but...
This is us at our first pride,
remember that?
You've always been unconditional...
and we support you no matter
who you choose to love.
But your heterosexuality is
hurting us in the following ways:
Since you met Vern,
it feels like you're
becoming someone who's not Violet.
How dare you say
I'm not good for Violet.
Honestly, it's not about you.
It's about hen
Vern, no.
Wait!
I haven't even read mine yet.
We just wanna be part of your life.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Free hugs!
Free hugs!
Free hug.
Oh, frisky... great...
What?!?
You know surrogates
are really hard to come by.
Yes, and expensive.
The best deal is this agency in India.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You give them 20 grand, fly down
there with the egg and the sperm
9 months later fly back
and pick up your newborn.
Can't they just Fed-Ex the baby back?
Well, Riley and I were thinking
about going the Polynesian route.
You know Peter and I are gonna
do that for our next one.
You two should really look into it.
You might get a two-for-one special.
Oh yeah.
Are you okay, sweetie?
Are you okay?
What's going on?
You alright?
Just breathe.
Like Lamaze breathing...
like that.
Maybe we should have
heard them out.
Why?
We have each other now.
My friends aren't placeholders.
I'm not sure I like your friends.
You're gonna have to give them
another shot.
Seems like you don't like them
much either:
Well, you're wrong.
I love them.
Remember what you said?
They are who matters...
to me.
Well, that's a shame
because I thought
I'd be the one that mattered to you.
Well of course you do.
I've got a proposal for you.
These are the renovations
to my homestead in Idaho.
Outside Idaho Falls.
I hired a contractor and
I wanted you to see the plans
to see if you approved.
It's a Victorian...
lots of acreage, fresh ail:
Aren't your parents still there?
It's 5000 square feet...
and my folks...
my folks would adore you.
Look... here's my dad.
I'm sure I'd love them.
I just don't know if this
is the life for Violet.
And I got plane tickets,
for the end of November:
You got plane tickets?
You didn't ask me.
Will you go?
Well, I'm going to Taiwan
with Bradleigh in November:
I'm sure they'll let you off work.
It's only couple of weeks
and if they don't...
I make enough for two.
I'd like the facade to stay original
you know how sentimental
I am about architecture
but the interior needs
to be totally gutted.
You have this whole thing
worked out, don't you?
They're just plans.
They can change.
What about my life here?
We'd start a whole new life.
Why in the world
would I want to do that?
Idaho?
You're kidding?
There's like one decent gay bar
in Idaho.
What are you saying Violet?
You're scaring me.
And it's in Pocatello!
I'm not a simple girl.
I'm a complex, subversive woman
and I can't pretend anymore
that I'm not.
Vern, I have totally
misrepresented myself.
Stop. What did I do?
What did I say?
Nothing.
Sweet Vern, I'm so sorry.
It's not you... it's me.
I love you.
What did you just say?
I said I love you.
What's my name?
I am so in love with you.
OkaY
I think you need to go.
But I love you.
Yeah.
You gotta go.
Hello ?
I'm sorry I couldn't tell you
before, but I love you.
Do you hear me?
Me tau.
And I know sucking
every last cock in the city
is not the best way to show you
but I am madly
in love with you Darian.
It's Dad.
What?
Luke, this is your father.
Oh my god, wrong number.
You have 473 new Frisky Friends.
I love you.
I feel like I'm stuck in
A Small World.
Hostage on a boat with all
those little Dutch kids singing.
Okay.
I hate this ride.
Then let's get off it for a while.
There are other rides, you know.
I know Riley...
I know.
We don't have to keep going
round and round on the same old one.
No, no we don't.
We can have it all
Now if you'd just get out
of the playpen...
So, what do you really think
about Vern?
I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
That's not saying a whole lot.
Oh my gosh,
did you hear what happened
last night between Riley and Markus?
No.
I got the craziest text.
What now?
We'll just wait and look at it
on the blog,
but you know same old, same old.
How long have those two
been together?
I don't know, like 50 years.
Yesterday was a disaster
on all counts.
Hey, do you ever just think
of just like,
I don't know quitting everything and
going back to school or something?
School?
What would we study?
You mean like choose a major?
Yeah, choose a major:
I'm still undecided.
Me too.
Pull out all the stops.
I want the works.
You got it.
I'm working Luke's sex party tonight
and this weekend
is my debutante ball
where I will be formally
reintroduced into gay society.
You're coming rig ht?
Absolutely.
How is Luke?
He's fine.
He drunk dialed his dad.
Sounds right.
He meant to drunk dial you.
If only he wasn't so stubborn,
so sarcastic.
Luke has his problems.
He's so infuriating.
And yet...
he's the only person
I want to wake up with.
I do not understand why two people
who have so much in common
just wanna pick each other
apart all the time.
You're gonna end up
two bitter old queens
and lord knows
we have enough of those.
Does this necklace
make me look fat?
Oh, come on.
I've missed you.
I missed you too.
Does it make me look fat though?
- No.
- Okay, good.
I need to see your penis.
I love this job.
Uncut.
Like a little calamari.
Thanks.
Penis please.
Grower?
Bottom.
Hey sweetie.
Thanks
Hey babe.
Go on in.
Don't you need to see my dick?
I'm pretty sure
you're not the police.
Don't you want to?
Go in.
She's not getting it bro.
Violet, I told him you'd be here.
I'm setting you up.
Hello!?
Fag stag.
But you... sexy dance for men.
You love Bette Midler,
your favorite movie is Beaches.
Oh my god...
You're making me blush.
I don't think I've blushed before.
Alright you guys.
Take it into the back,
I will take over from here.
Hey there.
40 dollars and your dick please.
What the fuck?
Eww
They got breeders back there.
I only threw up a little bit Luke.
Guys I'm just bringing
queers together:
Yeah, queers.
Split me like a wishbone!
Okay, that's...
that's pretty queen
That's our Violet.
Excuse me, do you have a minute
for the children?
How you doing?
You don't have my keys anymore but...
I still have yours.
Darian, I love you.
I do, I love you.
Luke...
What?
It's not gonna suck itself.
Maybe this time around we
shouldn't begin with a blow job.
Hey there.
I knew you were coming.
Actually, I'm here to see Violet.
These aren't for me?
No.
Violet, you have a visitor:
Sorry for the mix up.
You understand.
Hey, how you doing sweetie?
Good!
These are for you.
Thank you very much.
I thought I'd pop in and
surprise invite you to lunch.
I'm going to lunch
with Riley and Markus.
Couples counseling.
Oh, okay.
Wanna have dinner?
Sure, great.
Maybe we can all get together
and do something after?
Yes, and you'll be
at my deb. ball, yeah?
With bells on.
Just bells, right?
Right.
Okay well... give the boys
a hug from me.
I will, I'll call you later.
Yeah.
Please do.
I'll go to lunch with him.
You don't eat.
I could learn.
Where did you find him?
Gay sex club.
Don't be ridiculous.
How is that possible?
Well...
I'd tell you, but Salome...
I just don't think you're coachable.
Come on, I gotta piss.
Guys!
How is it going?
Good.
They're in love
and I'm here with my baby.
Waaa!
A very colicky baby.
Still sleeping in the playpen?
My life is an open blog.
I'm sorry, he just needed
a little fluff.
Thank you for the poppers.
Hey, hey...debutante!
It's been ages.
It has. I'm thrilled to be back.
Ah! I can't believe he wants me.
Violet, modesty
has never suited you.
That's true and I love it.
I love that you guys are finally
slobbering over my man.
I've already installed a nanny-cam
in your bedroom.
It's the best sex I've ever had.
Oh my goodness. And it's not
just the sex, we have this spark.
Well, it's not just the sex.
Darian, what have you done
with Luke?
I don't know.
But he's trying to steamroll me
into monogamy.
No I am not!
So Violet how does it feel
to be back?
Feels so good to be home.
And if and when you two
get your bundle of joy
you better make me
the fairy godmother:
Honey, you already are.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Donna, what are you doing here?
Slumming.
Hey, its Next Magazine.
My Deb ball!
Zeus, get over here.
Paparazzi, no photos.
I beseech you, no photos!
Hedda, that outfit looks amazing.
Well, they loved it at city hall!
Yes, it's always impressive when
a priest wears knock off Pucci.
What would you expect?
Vatican drag?
No, but what'd the groom think?
Why do you think they're
shipping her off to Vermont?
Exactly.
Riley!
Hey guys, this is
my other half, Riley.
We've read all about you
on Markus' blog.
Oh, how's the rash?
Yeah! Has it cleared it up yet?
Markus claims to have
writer's block
but all he does is
blog, blog, biog!
I didn't know you had
writer's block!
That's because he hasn't
blogged about it.
I'm just a little stuck
on my new novel.
Oh, what's it about?
It's about a gay couple
having a biological child.
So it's horror?
If we had kids, could you imagine
what we would be doing right now?
Carpooling?
You blogged about my rash?
Sorry, honey.
Baby.
Hey Zeus.
Do you take change?
You cheap little bitch.
Sodomites, this is about me
for once!
First I want to thank manhunt.net
for sponsoring
my wedding reception.
Welcome!
You know, my relatives wanted me
to have a traditional ceremony.
Hello?!
You are my family!
You've been with me
through it all:
Fat, thin. A horrible addiction
to very expensive handbags.
But now I've got Michael!
Where's Michael?
Where is my man?
Give me back my man!
Oh there you are!
Many of you are thinking you're
not gonna see me again after today.
That I'm gonna disappear like
all the fag hags of your youth.
Well, you're rig ht
Finally I found a man who loves
me and my pussy.
I said he loves my pussy!
And he's gonna tear it apart
behind that picket fence!
We love you Audrey!
Oh, I love you too
You know I lasted as long as I
could with my boys.
Longer than any fag hag
ever has.
Well...
Any except Violet.
Toss the bouquet already!
The bouquet is yours Violet,
if I had one.
He's working at the
salon tonight.
But you're still together?
Of course.
Darian's perfect.
I actually think, I'm falling
in love with...
Apparently Dan's cock is so huge -
that the only way to fit it
in your mouth -
is to suck it while it's still soft.
Is that Beer Can Dan?
Yeah.
What about Darian?
Oh, Darian and Luke
have an understanding.
Uh oh, cock-block.
Deflected!
Luke may have more experience...
But his opponent is tenacious
It's battle of the bottoms.
And the biggest loser
comes out on top!
Hey beautiful!
Hey Zeus, you beast!
Look at ya.
Oh, I love it when you tease me!
So, I hear you and Luke
are joining forces.
Yes. God I love that guy.
He gave me his whole email list
he's getting sponsors
Oh, your benefit is going to be
off the hook.
New ink?
Yeah, check it out.
Ten years HIV positive,
still kicking.
You don't have to brand
yourself.
I just want everyone to know
there is life after:
Well, I'll be with you
in sickness
and in health, count on it.
I love you.
Paparazzi!
Next Magazine
No more pictures!
You'll ruin their reputation.
I implore you, no photos!
Really, no more pictures.
I gotta go!
See ya'!
Alright, we better go too.
Have a goodnight.
Hey, you too!
Dude!
What's with the skirt?
Violet?
Hey, I'm almost done.
I'm waiting behind the shrub.
Ok.
She's my roommate.
Yeah, you know man
that's a little weird actually.
Is she watching us?
She's harmless.
Fag hags, Jesus!
Hey!
More respect.
She's the last one.
Welcome to Frisky Friends
where singles unite!
You have 3 new Frisky Friends!
Salome, you sound just like
my mother.
Mather and I enjoy lung
country drives...
Message deleted.
Next message.
Hi Salome, I'm looking
for a committed,
lung term relationship with...
Message deleted. Next message.
It's mailman.
I'm dying ta get in a hut
session before we meet.
Mn Mailman.
It's Salome.
Got a delivery for me?
Another very big package.
What are you wearing?
Just two drops of
Chanel Number 5.
Still off today?
You wanna chill?
Let's go to Coney Island
and ride the Cyclone.
Yeah, let's do that.
So, how was Audrey's reception?
She was so happy.
I wish you could have been
there to see her face.
That's the one drawback to
owning my own business.
Not much free time.
I have my own business.
I think there is a little more
leeway with roving sex parties.
I'm branching out.
Can I use your salon for my
Lazy Tops and Power Bottoms
party?
My host bailed after the police
raid you know...
What?
You got hickeys again.
Oh, don't!
Who were you with last night?
Clearly an amateur:
Wait, let me get this right.
You watched two people
commit to one another;
Hooked up with some random and
then came crawling into bed with me?
I took a shower first.
Come on D!
I got cock-matized
So, why'd you come over?
Because I wanted
to sleep with you.
But you had sex
with somebody else.
It's not the same thing.
You know that.
You are as bad as I am.
Was.
We met at a glory hole.
I know where we met.
I can't do this anymore.
Wait a second...
You can't do this anymore?
Darian, we have an
understanding.
Well, I asked for a new
understanding.
If you can't give me that
I can't do this anymore.
Darian, come on.
You know that I...
You know I...
You know the impalas?
In Africa?
Did you know they have like
twenty sexual partners at a go?
And what's amazing is that not
one impala gets upset or angry
or says they can't
do it anymore.
You're right!
I'm gonna take a shower
When I'm out, I wanna find you gone,
my keys on the table
and I don't want you
coming around here anymore.
It's over!
But I love you.
Hi, do you have a minute
for future today?
Hi sir do you have a minute
for the future today?
Sorry, nope.
I'm not breeding.
Are you my mailman?
Cute socks!
Salome?
That's you.
My gay husband would kill
for those calves!
Please.
We're in public.
Oh honey its New York-
Everything happens
on the street.
So, Chinese is okay, rig ht?
I can't do it.
I once had the worse gas
off a plate of mu shu pork.
I get it, where should we go?
No, I can't do this.
I'm gonna take a pass.
You're gonna pass?
I know I lied on Frisky Friends
but I came clean
I mean, I gave you
my real stats.
Salome
I know this sounds clich but
It's not you...
It's me.
Really.
These were for you.
But I have experience.
I have walked the catwalks
in Paris, Milan,
London!
In nothing but pasties.
Here, see?
My collection is designer clothing.
They were designer pasties.
Bradleigh, please I need press,
help me!
Please.
For the passion we shared
when we were boys?
Larice, are you threatening me?
Yes.
So, you've seen the line sheet.
Bradleigh's new collection
was inspired by
the latest dinosaur discovered
down in Argentina.
Perfect! Let me know when you
want to come for the pull.
Okay.
Oh no, not again!
What is wrong with me, Riley?
Why do you keep saying that?
Nothing!
It's not you, it's him.
You are surrounded by men
who love you.
Love?
I deserve someone to love me
and my pussy
Like Audrey.
Do you hear me?
Um, I hear you.
Donna I would, if I could.
I've got tools.
Not now, Donna.
Still got my hymen.
What you need, Violet,
is the male version of you.
A fag stag.
A metrosexual?
No, no no no no
A metrosexual will only throw
you off the scent
What is it Salome?
I'm going to lunch.
Actually, not lunch.
I'm being taken out
for high-end water:
Can Violet cover reception?
One sec..
A fag stag is special.
He hangs out with gays because
he enjoys their energy and their
attention just like you do.
Does that sort of person
really exist?
I don't think so.
Can I have a carrot?
Nevermind.
I probably shouldn't.
My fuck buddy broke up with me.
Oh, no!
Really glad I never officially
moved in
because then I'm not officially
kicked out rig ht?
Sweetheart what happened?
Suddenly after three months
Darian is not a slut anymore.
What does he want?
Monogamy?
Sounds like something
I need lasered off.
I know.
Oh my gosh, Luke.
I think it might be time for us...
Please, don't say it.
Grow up.
I can hear that
from anyone but you.
But, maybe it's time.
I don't see what the problem is?
So I play around what's that
got to do with Darian?
But, you know I would
give my heart
A lung, and what's left
of my liver
to have a chance
with a man like Darian.
I mean, do you know
how lucky you are?
Can I tell you
what happened to me?
I met a frisky friend
for lunch today.
And he can't put up with me
for two minutes
I mean, leaves me on the street,
can you believe it?
I'm not even worth
a lousy lunch.
Which frisky friend?
What's his name
and where does he live?
Why, what are you going to do?
Beat him up.
Not only a mailman,
but a Gemini.
Have you known me
to stoop that low?
A Gemini!
Yeah, you dodged a bullet
on that one.
And he was probably bi-polar:
All Geminis are bi-polar:
Hi baby!
Good to see you.
Look at that ass in those jeans.
- Thank you.
- Scorching!
I have spammed my whole list.
Every last queen is going
to be at that benefit.
What about our queen mother?
Of course! I've already
poached some
last season Bradleigh
for the silent auction.
There is nothing I wouldn't do
to keep HIV stigma-free!
You should throw her on stage
to revive her high school tap routine.
I do a mean Shim-Sham-Shimmy.
Oh really?
Let's see those moves baby.
Oh, no one wants to see my moves,
when we can ogle yours.
Oh, that's not fail:
No, it's not fair at all!
Okay...
next time I get dumped
in the real world
it's going to be
by someone hot like Zeus,
Not some bi-polar mailman.
Tell it, girl.
Why, oh why, can't I find
a straight man?
Why can't I?
Why don't you try
a straight bar?
Who'll go with me?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying!
Okay, you don't need
to go anywhere
We will find you a fag stag.
Riley's convinced
that I'll find a straight man
masquerading around
the gay world.
Actually, a fag stag
is urban legend.
Okay, well you have about an hour
to find this mythical unicorn
before mama goes home
for phone sex.
She is not lying.
You know maybe Frisky Friends
is not the best way
to meet a man.
It's a numbers game Markus
It's a numbers game
I'm just saying no more Geminis.
How about the internet?
I talk better that I type baby!
Uh Oh, here comes
the fuck me voice
Look out!
Oh that feels so good
I love it on the right side
of my...
Tuna juice!
Enough about your gash wound.
Thank you.
Stop calling my pussy
a gash wound!
- Okay.
- Hey guys
He?! What's going on?
- Hello Goddess!
- Hey sweetie.
- So good to see you.
- You too.
You guys have fun tonight.
Thank you.
Remember when
Peter and Derek were
looking for a surrogate
for their gayby?
You know they asked Violet,
rig ht?
I'm like, HELLO!!
Entrance only,
and still they pleaded.
I'm like find another womb!
How hard can it be?
Seriously half the world
has one!
Who did they find?
Derek's sister:
I understand
it's someone else's egg
She's just a surrogate but...
Don't you think it can catch
I don't know, incest by osmosis?
That's beautiful.
What a beautiful gift of love
from Derek's sister.
It's not as if Derek
could fall pregnant.
Well, he's been trying
for years.
Markus' new novel, actually,
is about a man who gives birth.
Well it's about how life would
be different if men could give birth.
Well, I'll tell you.
Abortion clinics
on every corner!
Oh, hold on!
Here comes the coat hanger again.
I'm sorry, your balls are
in the way.
That's not funny!
That's not funny at all!
Your color is fantastic.
Who does it?
I was Done by Darian.
Who hasn't been?
Darian...
Yeah
Are you still going to
donate your coupon
for the silent auction
Zeus is doing?
Of course.
I also got couple of things
for you.
Stop by the salon alright?
I will.
How about the hottie
right over there?
YOU are SO mean to me.
Wait, who's that?
Riley says that's my fag stag.
Unicorn
Sweet, thanks!
Cheers!
Drinks on me.
Oh my God.
Salome.
OH MY GOD!
Are you dead?
What happened to you?
You look...Amazing.
Feed me!
Promise me you won't tell anyone
you found me behind a dumpster:
Okay?
Alright.
I am really worried.
When I don't eat,
I get sleepy, okay?
Salome, you're naturally thin.
If I was you, I'd only be eating
And fucking.
Violet, let me tell you something:
Fucking is overrated.
Guys line up around the block
to fuck me.
It is really tiresome.
There is a guy right here in
this diner that wants to fuck me.
Who?
Black guy, Oscar Giovanni
scarf, biceps.
He's behind you.
He doesn't know that he
should know
that l know he's cruising me,
you know?
Wait.
He's actually cruising you.
Oh my god!
Just play aloof.
Violet!
Stop with the straw.
You lost him.
And you're gonna keep losing them
until you get off your racket.
My racket?
Your racket is what's stopping you.
Well, I don't look like you.
It's not just your looks.
There is someone for everyone.
I believe that.
Thanks.
Let me ask you something.
Where were you earlier?
Out with the boys.
Okay.
Do you know that story
in the news about
the family of peacocks that took
in the orphan elephant?
Oh, yes.
And then the elephant ran around
thinking it was a peacock?
So sweet.
It's not sweet.
It's ridiculous.
Picture it!
Violet, you are not a peacock!
You are an...
Have you ever thought maybe
your gay friends
just don't wanna share you?
No.
They wanna keep you wrapped up
in their own little world
away from men who want women.
That's a horrible thing to say.
Do you wanna get married
and have kids?
No.
See?
The gays have totally
warped your mind.
They do refuse to go
to straight bars.
And they are always insulting
my pussy.
But no, my friends want
what I want.
Okay.
Okay what?
You're not willing
to be coachable.
I am!
I am coachable.
Then I can help.
God...
I ate so much.
I'm just gonna hit
the ladies' room.
I might be a minute...
or two.
Just pick a number:
10,000 words a day.
I wish...
it's just that... you know
their baby is born
and I've lost the plot
Maybe male mothers
eat their young.
Thanks, that's very helpful.
Baby!
Gays don't breed.
It's what separates us
from the animals.
We should invest in valuable
real estate instead.
Let's do that...
How about that rooftop
at Audrey's reception?
How about...
this valuable real estate, ha?
Right here...
It's looking a bit neglected.
Seriously...
we're not breeders.
We don't have to worry about
the rest of the planet.
Global warming, recycling...
Oh, I would hate to recycle!
So why not write about that?
Because I'm writing
a fantasy, Riley.
Your husband is an idealist.
Doll, I love you...
but I'm not your husband.
It's their word.
It could be our word.
Pear puree?
What's this?
Just research...
okaY---
I've got an idea...
I wanna take you out
tomorrow night for some solid food.
Cheer you up.
I love you.
I love my husband!
I love you
I love my husband!
I love you
Ah... husband
Just found this
at the flea market!
What do you think?
Cute, ha?
You can drape it
you can belt it,
you can crimp it!
You can knock it off in China
for 50 cents a pop.
Precisely.
Make that happen.
Remind me to give this splendor
to Donna when she gets back.
Oh hey!
Drinks tonight?
Markus has writers' group.
I have a dinner date tonight
and I don't plan
on coming home after:
Not another frisky friend?
Why do you say it like that
"another frisky friend"?
What, do you want me
all to yourself? Or what?!?
Wow!
It's about a "day of beauty" coupon
for a silent auction I'm doing
I just gave it to you.
Okay, thanks
I actually wanted to speak with
Darian about another matter'...
I already told you
Darian is with a client.
Hey yo!
Darian, hey!
Am I invisible?
Yeah, to me.
Darian listen, is now a bad time?
Now is good.
Okay, thanks so much
for this coupon
Can we speak in private?
Since when do you care
about private?
Okay.
Well D
I wanna invite you to
a nice dinner or...
something romantic
of your choice.
Um.. why?
Well, you know that story
in the book
with Noah and ...animals and
Wait, wait, wait.. Noah's Ark?
And a bird brought Noah a twig
which meant everything
is gonna be okay.
So, you're here as...
as a twig?
I'm here to show you
just how much
I want everything to be okay for us.
Wow! Luke... thank you...
for that rare glimpse of sincerity.
And thank you for stopping by...
But this is...
The rest of your stuff..
from my apartment.
Don't... don't cry
You know you like that one...
aah come on!
Goad buy!
Put it on there now..
no, on top of it, ok?
Put it on there.
Little person.
Um... this is Joey.
Say hi Joey
Hey!
Ashley's sitter called in sick...
Ashley?
My mentor from writers group
And how often does
Ashley's sitter call in sick?
Oh... um.. just Fridays...
sometimes Wednesdays.
You couldn't tell me?
You know, sometimes
you're not that easy
to talk to about certain things.
Not that easy to talk to...
Ashley's just running late..
She'll be here any minute.
Markus I just want
what's best for us.
You know, to move up,
get ahead, own some property.
You know this gig
can help us save.
Ashley set me up baby sitting
for others too.
Yeah, she's done wonders
for your writing..
I'm really good with kids, okay?
Just look at Joey...
Isn't he adorable?
Just look at him.
Oh, Joey...baby
Welcome to the
Lazy Tops, Power Bottoms party.
Show me your dick.
I've just got to make sure
you're not the police.
Here's a bag for your clothes.
Welcome to the Lazy Tops,
Power Bottoms party.
$40 please.
I'm on the list
Okay, what are you doing here?
I came to fuck my brains out.
Um.. in front of all these people?
With all these people.
Okay, what the hell is going on here?
You're deliberately trying to hurt me?
Take it easy, Luke...
Haven't you heard about
the impalas in Africa?
Hey sweetie!
Hi!
Frisky friend 265, Mike.
Hey!
Donnie and I worked together
as flight attendants
Air hostesses!
Oh, yes.
In the unlikely event
of a water landing,
you're all gonna die!
That's nice!
Thank you
I'll be back to get your orders
in a bit.
Okay.
Air hostess, ha?
Oh, my ticket out of Idaho.
I got some buddies out West...
That's beautiful country.
Uh, beautiful yeah, but...
all anyone wants for you
is the same old stuff...
you know, get married,
have kids.
I want something different,
you know.
Yeah, I hear you.
Yeah?
Yeah, we're an island
of misfits.
I actually moved here
to be around
more open-minded women.
You still in the friendly skies?
No, I had to give it up.
Oh, after 9/11?
Oh, no!
I just kept ballooning up
on the plane food
No way.
Oh, yes way. I mean Donnie...
Donnie used to have
a 29 inch waist
I mean, I lost most
of what I put on,
I mean, except for my fupa...
but I'm fine with it.
Umm, with what?
Fupa.
Fat Upper Pussy Area.
But... it's a little fupa,
a happy fupa.
I would hate to see
an angry one.
Oh yeah we can't have that.
Uh, what would you recommend?
The chicken cutlet here
is excellent.
But I would stay away from
cheese tonight if I were you.
Why is that?
Clogs up your anal cavity.
I did not know that.
Oh, except for goat cheese.
You know there is some enzyme
that makes it okay.
This isn't good dinner
conversation, is it?
No, no, no... be yourself.
Um.. I hear zucchini
is great for down there.
Most veggies are...
okra is the best.
I'm all about anal health.
Oh, me too.
It's just good manners.
So, are you kids ready?
Yes.
I'll have the chicken fried
steak, please.
Chicken fried steak, you sir?
- Just a burger:
- Burger:
No cheese!
Oh, that's work,
I've gotta take this.
Okay.
Oh, sweetie he is fine!
I don't know why
you're bothering with dinner:
You're right put in that order;
pronto!
I will honey, I will.
That was the best sex
of my life.
You're so high energy.
You want games?
I'll out-slut you in a second.
Hey, round two at my place?
This time, I'll do all the work.
What are you doing home?
You're supposed to be gone all night.
Well, you're cleaning? It's Friday.
Aren't you supposed to be
bringing queers together?
Well,
It smells like poppers in here
Where did you have your party?
The police raided
our last location, so...
so?
No!
You got home before I could...
Is that shit on my bedspread?
That's not shit.
That is shit!
No, that is definitely not shit.
It's biss.
Biss?
Butt piss.
Oh God! That is so gross Luke,
oh my god!
I'm sorry! Somebody must
have gone
overboard with enemas.
I'm... I'm doing laundry now
Listen I was gonna tell you
but I thought maybe...
You thought maybe I would object
to a gay sex party in my bedroom?
That doesn't turn you on?
No, it does not turn me on.
That's the problem.
I'm not one of you.
Salome was rig ht
I've just become way too enmeshed
in your world.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna wash everything...
It's OKAY because I'm
emancipating myself from this...
Is that biss on the table cloth?
It's not my biss.
I don't care whose biss it is!
And he just left a twenty.
Cheap fucker!
He walked out on you?
Just like that?
Were you being outrageous?
I may have been a little outrageous.
This is more than cosmetic
you know that, rig ht?
Make-up can clear blemishes
and stuff...
but not even top of the line
L'Oreal can fix a fucked-up face.
And what we have here
is a fucked-up face.
What are you saying?
I'm saying surgery.
You need to go under knife
and kill the fag hag inside.
Yes, okay.
She's gone.
Just snip her out.
She's dead.
Great.
So what are you doing Thursday?
Going outwith... friends.
It's our ritual.
It's your racket.
Are you coachable?
Yes, I'm coachable.
What's happening?
Well, a promoter friend of mine
is launching a new weekly party
Thursdays at Fine Feline.
Want to be my plus-one?
You want me to be your plus-one?
I celebrate diversity, you know that.
Plus I owe you one.
Salome, wow, I'm...
I'm very flattered.
I'm gonna have a table
with bottle service and everything.
Did you know Markus was running
a nursery out of our apartment?
Maybe.
Why didn't you tell me?
Why is nobody talking to me?
It's all on the blog.
And I'm not going to be able
to go out Thursday.
Why not?
Because you're a cock-blocker.
No, Riley.
It's because I'm never gonna
get what I want
if I keep repeating the same
patterns of behavior.
In other words... cock-blocker:
What should I wear on Thursday?
Uh.. okay let me see...
Let the pussy out of the bag...
Dress code: the cattier, the better.
Are you wearing
a fucking cat suit?
Thank you very much.
Hey Violet!
Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Hey stop!
Where are you going so fast?
Home.
Isn't this the outfit you wore
to the fetish ball...2007?
Good memory.
Yeah, well I always notice you.
Oh, you might be the only one.
Careful!
Do you ever just feel
like you don't belong anywhere?
Hello.
Why do you think
I was so big into heroin.
You're clean now, right?
Yes, two yea rs.
Damn.
Look... Violet...
Before I came here,
before you ever knew me,
no one wanted a thing
to do with me.
I swear, not anyone.
Well, now we have all these
friends and they...
They love us.
They shower us
with all this attention
Yeah, I mean,
that doesn't hurt either:
Well, attention doesn't sleep
with you at night...
well, not with me.
Come here
It's alright.
Sorry.
No, it's not you. It's just...
I'm positive, you know.
It's just kissing.
Some people won't even
share the same spoon.
Some people are stupid.
Ah, I'm stupid.
Why am I kissing a gay boy?
God!
I'm retired.
Retired?
I want to be wanted, Zeus.
It's not fair to me, okay?
This fruit fly is finished.
You have one new frisky friend.
Hi! Salome...
My dad owns the general store
of the Idaho town where I grew up
He expected me ta take it aver,
but I came ta New York
ta became an architect.
I'm Vern and Pd love
to hear your story.
Vern?
Violet!
Hey, are you home?
No.
Can we talk?
No.
Are you on that phone line again?
No!
I need love.
Me too.
I miss Darian.
You try too hard,
women don't do that.
I am just being myself.
Exactly.
Stop it.
Now just close your eyes
and simply ask the universe.
The benevolent universe will
always manifest what you need.
That's not true.
If I fall from a ten-story building,
am I gonna manifest wings?
No. But you can manifest a truckload
of mattresses on the street below.
You watch too many cartoons.
What?
It could happen.
Gerald?
Salome.
How are you gorgeous?
Can I get you a non-fat soy latte?
Yes... what a coincidence.
See Violet, I was just manifesting
a non-fat soy latte.
Fine Feline was major; huh?
So major.
Well, Violet didn't like it.
Not major:
Oh, cat-woman.
Go on Gerald...
Don't forget 16 splendas
and a stir-stick, thanks.
Voila.
Notice my lack of effort?
The lesson here is that the universe
would never tell you to put on
a pleather catsuit...
so don't try so hard next time, ok?
Oh, I'm not going back
to Fine Feline again.
You promised you were coachable.
I'm gonna coach myself.
You can't coach yourself!
You'll never manifest a man
that way.
There's more then one way
to skin a cat.
That's funny... not true.
But funny.
Yeah, when we meet, I'll take
you an a tour of lust gems.
I'm very sentimental when it
comes ta architecture.
I adore sentimental men, Vern.
We'll start with the Roxy.
The Roxy! You've been?
Spanish inspired interior,
the soaring columns,
it's rococo style rotunda
The Roxy had a rococo rotunda?
I really wish I could have seen it.
Oh my gosh,
I used to go all the time.
Haw?
It was demolished in 1961.
The gay club?
No!
The Roxy was a movie palace
Where the Rockettes began.
The high-kicking, showgirl Rockettes?
Originally they were
the Roxy-ettes.
Oh, the Roxy.
You know there's a famous
Life Magazine shot
of Gloria Swanson standing
on the rubble
in a red baa
as they tare it dawn.
Gloria Swanson in a red boa?
I have manifested a fag stag.
You manifested a fag.
Gloria Steinem never wore a boa.
Gloria Swanson.
Vern is straight!
Bradleigh, do straight men
know who Gloria Swanson is?
Norma Desmond?
Only if they're gay.
Come on!
Only gays obsess over faded,
deluded, once beautiful women.
We can relate.
See!
Climax Magazine is here.
Marjorie Max.
Violet, skedaddle.
Gentlemen.
Marjorie!
Right this way.
The inspiration for this season is
punk, Pocahontas and prehistoric.
Clever: I see we're into alliteration.
This frill must be the prehistoric.
Pterodactyl in heat?
More or less.
Ah, fur. You have no qualms about
killing these cute little critters?
Bradleigh says fur comes from trees.
Fir trees.
Look at me, pretending to care.
I just don't see how it
fits in to my story.
I've seen you in Climax before.
I modeled for the magazine
once, yes.
Oh don't remind me,
long time ago.
It was a matinee idol story?
Yeah.
This mug once was very lucrative.
And perfect for the "Daddy"
in this fall's editorial shot
by Stephen Miser!
Stephen Miser? Oh be still
my beating heart.
What's the story?
I love Daddy!
But I'm not old enough
to be a Daddy.
Tell you what.
You be Climax magazine's Daddy
and I'll give Bradleigh's
prehistoric line some
p-p-p-placement.
Get ready for your close up,
Norma.
Do you have a minute
for the children?
You have got to be kidding me!
Excuse me sir; do you have
a minute for the children?
Baby I'm home.
Jim had a hysterectomy.
Hey Violet is not coming
to your reading,
I think she's boycotting us.
I can't believe I had
to give him a hysterectomy.
It's changed everything.
What?
Jim, in my novel.
Sorry for Jim.
How was your day, honey?
Oh great.
Bradleigh says you can join for
our trip to Taipei in November.
What trip?
Remember Bradleigh won
Designer of the Year in Taiwan?
Right. But, you know in November
I'll be in edits.
Baby, you can bring
your computer to Taipei.
Come on, it's
all-expense paid travel.
It'll advance my career:
A chance to forget babies
and hysterectomies.
Oh my God, don't remind me.
It's so sad!
So, are you in?
Could we maybe swing by
Polynesia on the way to Taipei?
You know, Ashley showed me
this great new site.
There's not much red tape,
they make it so much easier.
What site?
Adoptakanakababy.com
Baby let's just check it out.
No strings.
It might break up the monotony
of our lives.
The monotony of our lives?
Yeah. You know, maybe that's why
Violet is boycotting us.
Change is good.
Come on baby, relax.
Feels nice?
Yeah, come on.
That smell, is that?
Baby oil.
Isn't it wonderful?
Polynesia is on the way
to Taiwan, right?
No...
If you suck cock, hang up now.
If you think you might enjoy
sucking cock in the future,
hang up now.
Vern?
Hello, Vern?
I'm not gay-
But you go to gay bars, right?
Why in the world would
I do that?
Oh, well I had to ask.
So, what are you into?
What do you mean?
I mean, what are you
passionate about?
Web', what I do
Architecture.
I'm especially fascinated
with columns.
Columns?
Wanna talk about
thick, rock hard shafts?
What about them?
How about putting them up
my chimney pot, Mn Architect. Yeah?
Then stucco my flying buttress
to the wall!
Uh, Salome,
I'm just a normal guy.
I can do normal.
I want to be up front
and let you know
I'm looking for
a simple kind of woman.
That's me, I'm a simple girl.
From Idaho.
My face is rural too!
I have an ample bosom and a...
well, my whole body
is kind of ample.
I really wanna meet you
and get frisky but
if you're expecting some,
I don't know,
thin-hipped bitch who's gonna...
I'm nut!
You're not?
Nu, I want a keeper, Salome.
Me, too.
And it's Violet.
I lied.
Well, we all fib an Frisky Friends.
So what's your real name?
I mean, I know it's not Vern.
Nu, it is Vern.
Oh, well you have
a nickname or anything?
My parents call me Chippy.
So, Vern, what did you fib about?
I don't know exactly
but I probably did fib
Now that I know your name, Violet,
do you stiff wanna meet?
Bethesda fountain.
Same time?
10 am and I'll be wearing red.
Red hot.
Can't wait!
You did lie.
Oh I can't take it this!
Hello?
Vern you are a liar!
I can't take this!
No, no I can't!
I can't!
Help! Help!
Please!
No, I just can't!
Get away from me you lunatic!
Everyone's a fucking freak.
I just can't deal with this anymore.
Violet, is that you?
What are you doing down there?
Did you loose a contact
or something?
Vern?
You must be Daddy.
Riley.
Hi, I'm Jenny.
Matt's mom.
He looks like a complete angel,
doesn't he?
Don't be fooled.
He's an absolutely
unmanageable child.
So was I.
You have kids?
I'm gay.
No, no kids.
Alright if you worked
a Stephen Miser set,
You know I don't wanna hear anyone,
I don't wanna see anyone
Unless it's through my lens.
Child. Love your Daddy, hmm?
Mn Miser; I'm
Poof!
Matt?
No! I wanna stay with Riley.
Hey it's ok buddy, your mom and I,
we're gonna make plans. I promise.
Gotta go. C'mon hun.
Sweetie!
The UN is the first
international building in the US.
I suppose that concludes our tour:
I loved it.
Should we go for drinks?
Why in the world would I
want to do that
When I can be with you alone.
Do you go drinking a lot?
I wouldn't say that.
I may have partied a little
in my youth.
But that is behind me.
You're so beautiful.
Your place or mine?
You don't want to go home together
on our first date?
No! umm no!
Of course not.
I'm totally teasing.
Funny lady.
Come on. Let me walk you home.
Oh, baby you're home.
I'm almost ready.
So.
I checked out
adoptakanakababy.com.
You did?
And?
And I didn't see anything
about refunds or exchanges.
I also never imagined
in my entire gay life
that the topic of children
would ever come up.
Neither did I. But I guess
secretly I hoped that it would.
What is that?
Markus
I love you
I want you to have everything
you want.
Even if it's not what you want?
How will I know if we don't
get a chance to practice?
Oh my god.
You got me a Toy Pomeranian?
You wanted a Toy Pomeranian
since you were ten.
Well, that or a Chihuahua...
and you know how I feel about rats.
You've been reading my blog.
Oh, Thank you.
I thought you were an ex-Mormon?
I left the church,
but I haven't been excommunicated.
Stick with me kid.
Wait a minute.
If you're not a Mormon,
why can't you enjoy
a glass of wine with me?
I don't like it.
You told me you've
never had a drink.
I haven't.
How do you know
you don't like it?
Do I need to sleep with a man
to know I don't like it?
You know them?
Ah, co-workers.
Actually they are pretty great.
Umm...we could go out with them
sometime, if you wanted to.
Where would we go?
We could go to a gay ban
I think that'd be too much
anthropology for this architect.
I told you I'm not very social.
Where do you go for fun?
To sleep.
I prefer to have my fun early.
I'm a big fan
of column-watching.
Column-watching?
Yeah.
Tomorrow I'll be up before 5
to catch them at sunrise.
Holy fuck!
Sunrise?
Yeah, sunrise is my favorite
time of day.
Well, if you want to catch the worm.
Or if you wanna see
Corinthian columns come to life.
So, you just uh...
sit there and stare?
It's a form of meditation for me.
We all have our own way
of getting centered
in this crazy city and that's mine.
Absolutely sweetie.
I mean whatever it takes.
You must think I'm freak.
- Most people think I'm a freak.
- Most people think I'm a freak.
No!
No, actually I don't.
And I think columns are magnificent.
Do you want to watch them with me?
You might have to sleep over
if you did.
Check!
Oh, okay.
Have my babies, have my babies
What?
Just making sure the condom
is still on.
Of course it is.
Have my babies, have my babies!
Move to Idaho
and have Chippy's babies.
Look.
Look now
Are you sleeping through this?
No, just resting my eyes.
Watch as the sun dances across
the granite at each new moment.
Watch.
Look, magic.
Hey! Guess what?
You got a dog.
How'd you know?
Women know.
I also know that you were
never going to get a dog.
You have to bend over and pick
up the poop. Remember?
Baby makes Markus happy
so I've changed.
You called a dog Baby?
You are such a lesbian.
Markus named him
but thank you Donna.
How's the hymen?
You know my hymen -
hanging in there.
Come over tonight, meet Baby.
Oh, I can't.
Dinner with Vern.
Pre-game before Zeus' benefit
at Vlada?
Oh, that's Friday night.
Oh shit!
I have plans with Vern Friday night.
Vern, Vern, Vern.
Bring Vern.
Uhm
I don't think he's gonna
want to go.
We're all dying to meet him.
The timing is just not right.
I'm just not comfortable having him
know about my past.
What's wrong with your past?
Oh, please don't take it personal.
You know the truth is
I don't even know if Vern's my type.
So you'd rather be with him
than with us for a cause
you've always supported?
Don't worry, I'll stop by.
You act like it's such a burden.
I said I'll stop by,
so leave it alone.
Dating is stressful enough without
this extra pressure from you,
and texts from Luke.
And these super pokes from friends
on Facebook I don't even know!
Love,
Vern
It's tough being popular.
I'm gonna name my first born Daisy.
It's that time of the month, huh?
- I hate when men do that.
- Why do men always say that?
Wow.
The billionaire that got away
used to send me pink daisies.
Letting him get away
is the biggest regret of my life.
Not because we had anything
in common, we didn't.
But it was this game he loved
called Snooker:
What's that?
I don't really know.
And your point is?
My point is...
I never bothered to learn Snooker...
and now he's on a yacht in
the Maldives with someone who did.
Was the sex good?
Standard missionary.
Vern, too.
Really vanilla.
I mean just...
we don't have that much
in common, either:
Violet...
this guy sends you flowers.
He actually likes you.
He does, he likes me.
So he's got possibility.
And compatibility is not possibility.
All you've got to do now...
is fake interest
in what interests him.
And then after that he's yours
to mold any old way you want.
Am I right Donna?
What the fuck do you want?
You should want this.
He's boring.
Do you want to be loved,
or do you want to be entertained?
I want to be entertained?
No, no, no!!
What happened to my
vegan wedding?
Yeah, okay...
Yes, fine I stole
your stanky ass strap-on!
In a roundabout way, Donna
is supporting what I'm saying.
I doubt that.
And... what are you saying?
Compatibility is not possibility.
Violet...
learn the Snooker.
You watching me?
Maybe...
How are things going
at the salon?
Ahh...drama.
Had to fire my receptionist.
She was a bitch.
Yeah.
Shall we...
call a truce to the dueling sluts?
Maybe.
You're here!!
Oh my god! Did you see
the silent auction?
No!
I made Markus put money
on Liza Minelli's g-string.
And I'm winning!
You guys are bombed.
Open bar. Hello!
What can we get you to drink?
No, nothing I can't be drunk
when I see Vern
Oh, sorry I missed your reading.
Oh, that's okay.
Violet turned down a free drink?
I know, she's... not herself.
I told you.
Thank you so much for all
your support and encouragement.
Just wait, I mention you
in my speech.
To think you used to let
people assume
you were just some dumb stripper:
Cha-ching!
I have found it's best not to
challenge people's assumptions.
Who said a go-go boy
can't be the hero?
I know...
Hey you gonna join us
on Thursday at Gym Bar?
I won't.
In fact tonight...
is sort of my cameo appearance.
Retirement?
What's that about?
Come on. It sounds like you're
running away from home to me.
I'm doing what's best for me.
Are you sure about this?
You wanna talk about it?
I'd love to...
but it's the pumpkin hour:
Congratulations.
6:30?
You can't leave.
You're gonna miss my speech.
No, you can't leave.
Come on... stay and then...
Afterwards you can
come back to my place...
we'll bake cookies, watch Beaches.
I have Kylie Karaoke.
I love Kylie Karaoke!
Well, then say yes.
I'm terrified of rejection.
Oh, you have never been rejected!
In your life.
You have no idea.
And Zeus said you're working
on an anti-violence benefit next.
And one for the Trevor Project
after that.
I'm impressed.
Thanks.
Yeah, Zeus is really insistent
we reach out to
straight people too, which is...
kind of intimidating
since I don't know any.
Except for Violet, but yeah...
always Violet.
This sounds like a great opportunity.
Who knows there might be
hope for you yet.
What do you mean hope for me?
Just hope... you break out
of your limited gay world.
Oh, that's rich coming
from a hairdresser:
Hair-stylist.
Whatever:
Still not much hope for you.
Can you please stop with the games?
You started the games.
Well, I'm through.
You want to keep playing,
play with someone else.
I often do.
Max, I just want you to know
that you are this close to having me.
Luke, I'm really sorry
but I can't talk now.
He is on the clock.
Oh, for Heaven sake!
Zeus
kiss me.
Luke, I am flattered.
Don't be.
Just take me home and ravage me.
Ah Zeus, I've got issues.
Yes, you do.
You got issues too.
Are we gonna be alone forever?
It depends on your definition
of alone, doesn't it?
How long have you been
in the city now?
About 4 yea rs.
4 years and I have never once
seen you with a boyfriend.
Nope.
You never come
to my sex parties either:
You know I have poz events.
They're not my thing.
So what gets you going, big boy?
It's way off your radar:
I wonder if you'd even treat me
the same if you knew.
Two boys, one plunger:
Ewww, no.
Bartender; can I get a drink?
One second.
What happened to Violet?
She just bolted out of here.
What's going on with your BFF?
My BFF is MIA.
She is umm...
She's dating somebody.
What?
Wh...who?
Who's she dating?
Unicorn?
The mythical Unicorn!
Shhhh!
I'm not ready to come out yet.
Oh!
Oh you are fascinating.
Well so what? I mean
my roommate is gay.
Does he have HIV?
No.
But what if he did?
Well then I'd be concerned
for your health and safety.
See, this is why we need
to make HIV stigma-free.
Why shouldn't HIV have a stigma?
I mean it is preventable.
What about 70's high-rises
and pre-fabricated homes,
they have a stigma, right?
Okay, but we're talking about people.
People, not buildings.
What is wrong with you?
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated.
I've been after these Biedermeier
chairs on e-bay all day.
Oh, well...
If you're outbid, there'll be others.
You're a patient man.
It's not everyday you find matching
Beidermeier chairs on e-bay.
Where would they fit in
your apartment?
I'm shipping them back
to my folks with all the rest.
Oh, you're moving back?
Eventually.
Idaho's not really
column country, I'm afraid.
Bonneville is one of the fastest
growing counties in the country.
So there is plenty of work, and
I'll be renovating the homestead.
You'd love my folks.
Would you ever consider moving back?
I kinda moved away on purpose.
Me, too.
But I look around at my friends
and co-workers and...
they don't mean much.
I think what really matters is...
who matters.
Vern,
teach me about the Snooker
I mean the Beidermeier.
Why do you love it so?
Beidermeier is an
unpretentious classic.
Devoid of...
unnecessary embellishment.
You can keep taking things off,
you know.
Not to change the subject,
but have you had cheese today?
I don't think so.
I took this tantric class
on the sacred spot massage.
Would you let me...
help you release
some of that e-bay tension?
Babe, you could show Le Corbusier
the golden ratio in a Frank Gehry.
Now, just relax and trust me.
Ooops, sorry!
My bad.
Who's that?
Oh never mind, just relax.
I got 8 inches for you.
You want my 8 inches?
What, you gonna fuck me twice?
Most men hold their tension
in the pelvic floor
which is why the sacred spot
massage is so important.
I mean it really makes you
more peaceful.
That's why you don't see the gays
marching off to war.
Who's that?
Shhhh.
Okay, here we go.
That's so wild.
It's good, ha?
Chippy likes it wild.
Wild is good.
Hey, I can see you're busy,
but can I borrow a condom.
Take this blindfold off.
Violet, you can't live like this.
I got to get you out of here now.
Come on you can stay with me.
Okay, I'll pack.
Let's just go.
Now.
OkaY
Help?
Oh!
Ashley adopted in Namibia.
How was that experience?
Better than giving birth,
Actually I'm not so sure,
Africa can be notoriously difficult.
Joey, play nice!
So what are you writing
these days?
No more fiction, no.
Now I write daily blogs
about my children.
Children?
Number two is on the way.
Darling, today blogs begin
at conception.
Mommy I gotta go.
Not now.
Oh she's so cranky when
she's teething.
I had to go to the doctor to get
some Xanax just to get through it.
It's your other daddy!
He'?-
Hey Matt.
How are you doing?
Where is my big boy?
Come here!
Oh, you okay?
We're fine.
I'm Markus.
Oh Markus, I'm Jenny.
This is Riley's boyfriend,
I mean partner:
I never know what to say.
We never know either.
Husband, actually.
Markus is my husband.
Husband, husband, husband
I want these personally
delivered to 77 7th Avenue
My boyfriend bought it for me.
No.
What?
What's so goddamned funny?
Well, I'm not laughing with you.
What have you manifested?
He's in your office.
Donna!
Boss?
I finally found the inspiration
for my fall line:
Bedouin tents.
Yeah?
I understand they're
mildew-resistant.
Is it that hideous?
It's just... not you, is all.
Well,
Vern likes me this way
I'm gonna pretend like
I didn't hear that.
I know what you're thinking.
Yeah, probably.
What if I wanna get married
and move far, far away?
What?
Audrey did it.
And I can only assume
she's very happy.
You're not Audrey.
I turned 40 this year; Riley. 40!
I'm like the oldest living fag hag.
Vern...
Vern might be my last chance
to settle down.
Settle just about sums it up.
You are not a woman.
You do not know the pressures...
I know you!
So?
So you've never covered up.
You've never ignored your friends.
And you told me to kill you dead
if you ever; ever changed fora man.
You told me to kill you if ever;
ever you changed for a man.
How have 1...?
Sure it's just the dog
being housebroken?
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
You wanna be an asshole?
I'm the asshole?
Get over there.
Yes, you're the asshole.
Oh fuck you.
Fuck you!
Yeah, roll the parachute up.
Should we check with Vern?
You know I'm wearing the dress,
but I also got the balls.
Oh that's fine with me because...
You wanna go check with Baby?
Oh, you're on my hair!
Oww!
No biting!
Ouch!
Oww!
You hit me.
Bradleigh wants the camera.
Okay.. that was fucking hot.
It'd be an honor to model
for your ad campaign, Bradleigh.
It's Brad-LAY
Oh, Brad-LAY, sorry.
That Marc Jacobs ad
was shot in Maine.
Ocean was so icy my junk
just nearly shriveled right up!
You're new to the city
I take it?
Just got in last Friday.
We're gonna take a quick photo.
Hi, I'm Violet.
Oh, hi I'm Cyd.
But call me J-Flame...
everybody does.
J-Flame?
I just realized I don't have
anything that will fit you.
Oh, everything fits me.
I'm sample size.
True.
You got a great look.
I could use the color
in my ad campaign...
or sprawled on my chinchilla rug.
So lamentably the truth is you're
just too swishy
to model for Bradleigh.
Swishy?
Swi-SHAY.
But modeling only has to do
with how I look.
Who told you that?
What?
Go do an email blast.
When you told me last night
you loved me...
Did you mean it?
Where the hell have you been?
I haven't seen you in like a week.
I have huge news.
What the hell are you wearing?
Vern took me shopping.
Okay. Was he the Vern?
Yes, but you know
after your rude interruption
we spent the most amazing
week together:
And I'm not gonna say anything else
because I don't wanna jinx it.
Hello naked boy in my house.
I'm Andre.
I'm going to go grab
another cup of coffee.
Anybody else want?
No, thanks.
He won't leave.
You might soon be in the market
for a new roommate.
What do you mean?
You're not leaving.
Things are moving kinda quickly.
I haven't even met Vern.
I think that's why
they are going so great.
I also happen to know that you're
keeping him from Markus and Riley.
How can you be nesting with someone
who doesn't even know
your best friends?
How could he possibly know you?
What's your huge news?
I found your fag stag.
Fine as fine can be...
and honey, he is into you.
I know him?
Yes!
Who?
When am I meeting Vern?
You're not.
Okay, are you ashamed
of your friends?
Or you ashamed of yourself, huh?
I could live here.
Oh boy.
Oh, Saturday afternoon is great.
Oh, I don't know.
What about you?
I'd really like to go to Central Park.
We could stroll through the rambles...
picnic at Cherry Hill...
gaze at the Dakota?
Mmm hmm...
I prefer to wait for the light.
There's no traffic.
There's no traffic!
It's one of the ways
I practice patience.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
What are you gonna do with me?
Practice patience.
Lot of men checking you out.
Oh, hi Violet!
Women, too.
Are you famous?
Look. Gargoyle!
What in the world
is going on here?
I totally forgot
that this lawn is a...
boy-hive.
Vern, I am afraid that
something is about to go down
and I need to tell you.
What is it?
You can tell me anything.
Remember my roommate?
I was blindfolded at the time.
He's just the tip of... you know
all my life I've been a fruit fly.
What?
Fag hag?
Queen mother?
Every last man in my life is gay.
We'll get through this.
Vernon, run!
No, wait!
What is going on here?
This is an intervention.
Just give me a minute.
No, please.
We want him to stay.
Who are you people?
We're her friends
More than friends.
In a totally not sexual way, but...
This is us at our first pride,
remember that?
You've always been unconditional...
and we support you no matter
who you choose to love.
But your heterosexuality is
hurting us in the following ways:
Since you met Vern,
it feels like you're
becoming someone who's not Violet.
How dare you say
I'm not good for Violet.
Honestly, it's not about you.
It's about hen
Vern, no.
Wait!
I haven't even read mine yet.
We just wanna be part of your life.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Free hugs!
Free hugs!
Free hug.
Oh, frisky... great...
What?!?
You know surrogates
are really hard to come by.
Yes, and expensive.
The best deal is this agency in India.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You give them 20 grand, fly down
there with the egg and the sperm
9 months later fly back
and pick up your newborn.
Can't they just Fed-Ex the baby back?
Well, Riley and I were thinking
about going the Polynesian route.
You know Peter and I are gonna
do that for our next one.
You two should really look into it.
You might get a two-for-one special.
Oh yeah.
Are you okay, sweetie?
Are you okay?
What's going on?
You alright?
Just breathe.
Like Lamaze breathing...
like that.
Maybe we should have
heard them out.
Why?
We have each other now.
My friends aren't placeholders.
I'm not sure I like your friends.
You're gonna have to give them
another shot.
Seems like you don't like them
much either:
Well, you're wrong.
I love them.
Remember what you said?
They are who matters...
to me.
Well, that's a shame
because I thought
I'd be the one that mattered to you.
Well of course you do.
I've got a proposal for you.
These are the renovations
to my homestead in Idaho.
Outside Idaho Falls.
I hired a contractor and
I wanted you to see the plans
to see if you approved.
It's a Victorian...
lots of acreage, fresh ail:
Aren't your parents still there?
It's 5000 square feet...
and my folks...
my folks would adore you.
Look... here's my dad.
I'm sure I'd love them.
I just don't know if this
is the life for Violet.
And I got plane tickets,
for the end of November:
You got plane tickets?
You didn't ask me.
Will you go?
Well, I'm going to Taiwan
with Bradleigh in November:
I'm sure they'll let you off work.
It's only couple of weeks
and if they don't...
I make enough for two.
I'd like the facade to stay original
you know how sentimental
I am about architecture
but the interior needs
to be totally gutted.
You have this whole thing
worked out, don't you?
They're just plans.
They can change.
What about my life here?
We'd start a whole new life.
Why in the world
would I want to do that?
Idaho?
You're kidding?
There's like one decent gay bar
in Idaho.
What are you saying Violet?
You're scaring me.
And it's in Pocatello!
I'm not a simple girl.
I'm a complex, subversive woman
and I can't pretend anymore
that I'm not.
Vern, I have totally
misrepresented myself.
Stop. What did I do?
What did I say?
Nothing.
Sweet Vern, I'm so sorry.
It's not you... it's me.
I love you.
What did you just say?
I said I love you.
What's my name?
I am so in love with you.
OkaY
I think you need to go.
But I love you.
Yeah.
You gotta go.
Hello ?
I'm sorry I couldn't tell you
before, but I love you.
Do you hear me?
Me tau.
And I know sucking
every last cock in the city
is not the best way to show you
but I am madly
in love with you Darian.
It's Dad.
What?
Luke, this is your father.
Oh my god, wrong number.
You have 473 new Frisky Friends.
I love you.
I feel like I'm stuck in
A Small World.
Hostage on a boat with all
those little Dutch kids singing.
Okay.
I hate this ride.
Then let's get off it for a while.
There are other rides, you know.
I know Riley...
I know.
We don't have to keep going
round and round on the same old one.
No, no we don't.
We can have it all
Now if you'd just get out
of the playpen...
So, what do you really think
about Vern?
I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
That's not saying a whole lot.
Oh my gosh,
did you hear what happened
last night between Riley and Markus?
No.
I got the craziest text.
What now?
We'll just wait and look at it
on the blog,
but you know same old, same old.
How long have those two
been together?
I don't know, like 50 years.
Yesterday was a disaster
on all counts.
Hey, do you ever just think
of just like,
I don't know quitting everything and
going back to school or something?
School?
What would we study?
You mean like choose a major?
Yeah, choose a major:
I'm still undecided.
Me too.
Pull out all the stops.
I want the works.
You got it.
I'm working Luke's sex party tonight
and this weekend
is my debutante ball
where I will be formally
reintroduced into gay society.
You're coming rig ht?
Absolutely.
How is Luke?
He's fine.
He drunk dialed his dad.
Sounds right.
He meant to drunk dial you.
If only he wasn't so stubborn,
so sarcastic.
Luke has his problems.
He's so infuriating.
And yet...
he's the only person
I want to wake up with.
I do not understand why two people
who have so much in common
just wanna pick each other
apart all the time.
You're gonna end up
two bitter old queens
and lord knows
we have enough of those.
Does this necklace
make me look fat?
Oh, come on.
I've missed you.
I missed you too.
Does it make me look fat though?
- No.
- Okay, good.
I need to see your penis.
I love this job.
Uncut.
Like a little calamari.
Thanks.
Penis please.
Grower?
Bottom.
Hey sweetie.
Thanks
Hey babe.
Go on in.
Don't you need to see my dick?
I'm pretty sure
you're not the police.
Don't you want to?
Go in.
She's not getting it bro.
Violet, I told him you'd be here.
I'm setting you up.
Hello!?
Fag stag.
But you... sexy dance for men.
You love Bette Midler,
your favorite movie is Beaches.
Oh my god...
You're making me blush.
I don't think I've blushed before.
Alright you guys.
Take it into the back,
I will take over from here.
Hey there.
40 dollars and your dick please.
What the fuck?
Eww
They got breeders back there.
I only threw up a little bit Luke.
Guys I'm just bringing
queers together:
Yeah, queers.
Split me like a wishbone!
Okay, that's...
that's pretty queen
That's our Violet.
Excuse me, do you have a minute
for the children?
How you doing?
You don't have my keys anymore but...
I still have yours.
Darian, I love you.
I do, I love you.
Luke...
What?
It's not gonna suck itself.
Maybe this time around we
shouldn't begin with a blow job.
Hey there.
I knew you were coming.
Actually, I'm here to see Violet.
These aren't for me?
No.
Violet, you have a visitor:
Sorry for the mix up.
You understand.
Hey, how you doing sweetie?
Good!
These are for you.
Thank you very much.
I thought I'd pop in and
surprise invite you to lunch.
I'm going to lunch
with Riley and Markus.
Couples counseling.
Oh, okay.
Wanna have dinner?
Sure, great.
Maybe we can all get together
and do something after?
Yes, and you'll be
at my deb. ball, yeah?
With bells on.
Just bells, right?
Right.
Okay well... give the boys
a hug from me.
I will, I'll call you later.
Yeah.
Please do.
I'll go to lunch with him.
You don't eat.
I could learn.
Where did you find him?
Gay sex club.
Don't be ridiculous.
How is that possible?
Well...
I'd tell you, but Salome...
I just don't think you're coachable.
Come on, I gotta piss.
Guys!
How is it going?
Good.
They're in love
and I'm here with my baby.
Waaa!
A very colicky baby.
Still sleeping in the playpen?
My life is an open blog.
I'm sorry, he just needed
a little fluff.
Thank you for the poppers.
Hey, hey...debutante!
It's been ages.
It has. I'm thrilled to be back.
Ah! I can't believe he wants me.
Violet, modesty
has never suited you.
That's true and I love it.
I love that you guys are finally
slobbering over my man.
I've already installed a nanny-cam
in your bedroom.
It's the best sex I've ever had.
Oh my goodness. And it's not
just the sex, we have this spark.
Well, it's not just the sex.
Darian, what have you done
with Luke?
I don't know.
But he's trying to steamroll me
into monogamy.
No I am not!
So Violet how does it feel
to be back?
Feels so good to be home.
And if and when you two
get your bundle of joy
you better make me
the fairy godmother:
Honey, you already are.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Donna, what are you doing here?
Slumming.
Hey, its Next Magazine.
My Deb ball!
Zeus, get over here.
Paparazzi, no photos.
I beseech you, no photos!