Vir Das: Landing (2022) Movie Script

["I'm In Mumbai Waiting For A Miracle"
playing]
[audience cheering]
[male announcer] New York City,
all the way from Mumbai,
please welcome Vir Das.
[audience cheering]
-Thank you. Thank you very much.
-[music fading]
Relax. Thank you.
That was aggressive.
-Uh
-[audience laughing]
I was already terrified
-before I came out.
-[audience laughing]
I am doing stand-up comedy in 2022.
-Anything could happen tonight.
-[audience laughing]
I could be arrested, assaulted,
stabbed, slapped.
-Even worse, discussed on Reddit.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
I don't know how your evening goes.
Maybe you get home,
digitally alter photographs
of yourself to prove
that you had a real-life experience
on a platform designed
to give you depression and anxiety
by trading your data for dopamine,
in a world in which your news is fake
but your comic books are real,
and the only thing we can really
be certain about tonight
is some billionaire CEO with, like,
baller money and virgin energy
will put his little rocket inside
a supermodel or space, or both.
-Welcome to the show, guys.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
Tonight, New York City,
I'd love to take you home.
-Do you wanna go home with me, yeah?
-[audience cheering]
[Vir] Lovely!
Your home! I might not be allowed
back into mine.
-Um
-[audience laughing]
I just wanna see who
I am working with this evening.
You guys look like a good bunch.
I see, uh, I see Indian people.
[audience laughing]
I see people who are sleeping
with Indian people.
[audience laughing, cheering]
I see random White people who thought
Vir Das was German.
-I see you guys as well.
-[audience laughing, cheering]
Didn't look at the poster.
Home is whatever feels safe
because we live in an unsafe world.
-Can we agree on that?
-[audience] Yes!
I just got back from London, England.
Unsafe!
[audience laughing]
Central London, in my hotel, a block away,
the middle of the afternoon,
an 82-year-old couple,
out for an afternoon walk,
murder in broad daylight.
Yeah!
-The guy they killed was so young. Right?
-[audience laughing]
The old guy stabbed him
while the old lady tried to rob him.
Because old British ladies don't normally,
like, kill people.
They let other people do it
and give them knighthoods.
-Um
-[audience laughing, applauding]
They do the robbing, right?
It's it's not stolen wealth.
-It's "Commonwealth," right?
-[audience laughing]
-Is this too soon? [laughs]
-[audience laughing]
I am sorry! I don't care.
The only queen I like
has "Yas" before her title.
-[audience laughing, cheering]
-I like Yas Queens.
Do you think anyone said that?
They all gather around.
She's like, "William"
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
-"You must unite the family."
-[audience laughing]
-"Make up with your brother."
-[audience laughing]
-And he's like, "Yas, Queen!"
-[audience laughing, applauding]
[Vir] I don't know, man.
When you come to New York,
every saying about your city
is partially true.
[audience laughing]
And they're like,
"You don't fuck with New York!"
"Nobody can shut down New York!"
Very powerful!
-And then it rains for three minutes.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-And you guys give up on life.
-[audience laughing]
And not even real rain.
This weak-ass North American rain.
-Right, this
-[audience laughing]
this purposeless mist
that just hangs around your face
like multiple alcoholics
-having an animated conversation.
-[audience laughing]
Listen, I come from Mumbai.
There is monsoon in Mumbai, right?
-[audience cheering]
-It is--
-That's God's orgasm right there.
-[audience laughing]
And in Mumbai, they come on your face
-for three months a year.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
Mumbai rain is so strong,
it causes loss of hearing.
Did you know that?
-You ever seen Indian people do this shit?
-[audience laughing]
-It's trauma, you racist!
-[audience laughing]
People told me New York City
was unsafe. I disagree.
-I've driven through the rest of America.
-[audience laughing]
You drive through
these lovely woods and forests.
Basically, the setting of every
true crime documentary
-you have ever watched in your life.
-[audience laughing]
America is just miles and miles
-where you can bury bodies.
-[audience laughing]
-Interrupted by cities that supply them.
-[audience laughing]
Mumbai, one of the safest cities
in the world. Do you know why?
No place to bury a body in Mumbai.
-That's why.
-[audience laughing]
You can bury a body
ten feet underground in Mumbai.
The next morning, there will be laundry
-hanging from that body.
-[audience laughing]
That body will be an extra
in a Bollywood movie.
Because in Mumbai,
-death is no excuse for unemployment.
-[audience laughing]
What I like though,
is you have a nice sense of community
in small towns.
Right? Like a college kid
goes missing into the forest.
In five minutes, all the people
in town come together,
hold hands and go
into the forest to look for that kid.
-In five minutes, "Angela!"
-[audience laughing]
"This way. Angela!" [laughs]
Yo! You could not pay me enough money
-to go into a forest with White people.
-[audience laughing]
-That's how cults get started.
-[audience laughing]
Ten White people
and a vulnerable Brown man in wildlife.
I will be declared your leader.
-I promise you.
-[audience laughing]
Like like if you came to me
and you're like,
"Vir, there's a college kid missing
in the forest."
Do you know what I would do immediately?
I would call my cousins
back home in India.
'Cause now there's a vacancy
in that college.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Guys
One man's death is another man's degree.
-This is all I am saying.
-[audience laughing]
Says something about your society though
that an act of violence
is an anomaly worth documenting
-instead of the norm.
-[audience laughing]
You know, White people are in danger,
people get proactive.
-They send cameras into a forest.
-[audience laughing]
Black people and Brown people
are in danger,
we just hold up our cell phones
-and film that shit.
-[audience laughing]
All Black and Brown true crime
documentaries are shaky,
-handheld footage at best.
-[audience laughing]
Because there is no sense
of mystery, right?
In White true crime,
the killer's never found.
In Black or Brown true crime,
the killer's on camera, in uniform.
-[audience] Oh! [cheering, applauding]
-Guys! Guys!
I'm just here to eat some beef
and then I leave tomorrow, all right?
-Relax.
-[audience laughing]
I think the only country
that has it together is Russia.
-[audience laughing]
-They're just like,
-"Life is short. We party."
-[audience laughing]
The most badass Russian I met this year,
I went to the KGB museum in Prague.
If you haven't been, you must go.
It's not a museum.
It's a ten-foot by ten-foot basement
-with a racist Russian man inside.
-[audience laughing]
Opening of the door, very powerful.
He comes out from behind a curtain.
He's like, "Hello!"
-[audience laughing]
-"Welcome to museum of KGB."
-[audience laughing]
-Like the name was a secret.
I was in, immediately.
-I was like, "You had me at 'K'."
-[audience laughing]
I was converted. For two weeks,
I followed my wife around the house,
-naked, just going, "KGB."
-[audience laughing]
-As some of you will do later tonight.
-[audience laughing]
-Your wife, not mine. [inhales]
-[audience laughing]
The high point of this store
is the propaganda.
He's like, "All right.
Everybody, come close. I tell you secret."
"In World War Two,
Hitler have 3,000 tons of Nazi Gold."
"At the end of the war,
they only find 150 tons of Nazi Gold."
"Nobody know where rest of gold go.
But many years later, America is most
-powerful country in the world."
-[audience laughing]
And I was like,
"I underpaid for this talk."
[audience laughing]
It was a beautiful ironic moment, right?
To stand there as an Indian and pretend
to disapprove of undeclared gold.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Oh
You think Nazi Gold is a conspiracy?
You haven't heard of Auntie Gold,
-have you?
-[audience laughing]
Every single Indian woman here tonight
has a bank locker
-her husband knows nothing about
-[audience laughing]
with gold that Indiana Jones
-couldn't fucking find.
-[audience laughing]
You will find Christ's chalice
before you find Manju's necklace,
all right?
[audience laughing, cheering]
But home is where you feel safe.
Can we agree?
-[audience cheering]
-This is something I think about.
On an Air India flight
from Newark to Mumbai
on the 27th of November 2021,
I am going home.
A younger Air India air hostess
who is about 65
-[audience laughing]
-comes up to me
and offers me a glass of gin.
I refuse the gin. She says,
-"Mr. Das, just drink the damn gin!"
-[audience laughing]
The reason she insists, we both feel
that when I land in Mumbai,
I am going to be arrested
and taken to prison.
Now, I had prepared in my own way
to go to prison.
I have stopped shaving,
begun doing push-ups.
[audience laughing]
The reason that I am in trouble.
I have recently done a video
about my country at the Kennedy Center
-called the "Two Indias" video. [inhales]
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-You say that now!
-[audience laughing]
The video is about the duality
in my nation and the need for us
to unite in the light.
It has caused
a lot of duality in my nation.
-[audience laughing]
-And many people have united
-in being pissed off at me.
-[audience laughing]
I have been the number one trend
in the country for three weeks,
had seven criminal complaints
filed against me,
being charged with sedition
and defaming India on foreign soil.
I was called a terrorist
on three different news channels
-on the primetime news.
-[audience cheering]
That is an interesting conversation
with your mother that evening.
-[audience laughing]
-Just watching the news like,
"Remember how you said how you don't know
how to describe what I do for a living?"
[audience laughing, applauding]
The headlines had,
"Vir Das is a terrorist."
And I just remember thinking,
"This is so insulting
to actual terrorists."
[audience laughing]
Can you imagine how terrorists feel?
-They're like, "Bro, this guy?"
-[audience laughing]
"We choreograph acts of violence
ten years in advance,
but now we have to do spoken word
-performance apparently."
-[audience laughing]
New York, I never got any feedback
from any terrorist groups.
-I promise you.
-[audience laughing]
I never got a phone call,
"Hey, Vir, ISIS, huge fans."
-"Love your work."
-[audience laughing, applauding]
"Vir, where are you doing
your next comedy special?"
-[audience laughing]
-"No, we know you tried Netflix,
-but we'd like you to try ISIS."
-[audience laughing]
"Vir, I don't know if you know this
but ISIS has way more subscribers
-than Netflix."
-[audience laughing, applauding]
Which is true. They do.
-Much better family-sharing plan.
-[audience laughing]
And really, ISIS and Netflix
just want the same thing,
-which is for you to blow up.
-[audience laughing]
I was on the news here too.
I was on CNN and I was like,
"When did they start doing the news?"
-[audience laughing]
-I
-[audience applauding]
-was on the BBC. Home page!
Big headline that said,
"Comedian polarizes the nation."
-[audience laughing]
-Do you know how badly
you have to fuck up before the British say
that you divided India?
[audience laughing, cheering]
Certain parties back home began lobbying
for my citizenship to be revoked
on the grounds
that I am not a pure Indian.
I have been polluted by Western thought.
Be very careful of people
who celebrate purity.
And that's not even history.
-That's just basic Harry Potter.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
They start a hashtag,
they're like, "Vir Das is a slave!"
"Western slave!"
Which would be offensive to me
except my last name is Das.
[audience laughing]
I'll translate. Don't worry, non-Indians.
Don't worry. I got you.
Like, so Das literally means "slave,"
but my first name is Vir,
-so apparently, I am a brave slave.
-[audience laughing]
Which-- Isn't that all slaves, really?
-[audience laughing]
-Have you ever met a nonchalant slave?
"Yeah, I'm a slave.
It's pretty chilled out. Yeah, you know"
"Mostly work from home.
Their home. Hashtag, blessed."
[audience laughing, applauding]
While it offends me, they are not wrong.
I was raised abroad.
Partially, so I have always felt
kind of stuck, right?
I am too Indian for the West
but too Western for India.
-Does that make sense to anybody?
-[audience cheering]
That's easy applause.
I'll break it down, all right?
Like, okay, check it out.
I am not so Indian
that I would study to be a doctor.
-Mm-mm.
-[audience laughing]
No! But, like, I am Indian enough
where I would never use a White doctor.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Sorry.
It's just
I would let an Indian engineer treat me
before a White doctor.
I don't need curative medicine.
-I need cheap efficient solutions now!
-[audience laughing]
I don't need probiotics for gut health.
I need a belt that burps me
every five minutes.
-Yo, fucker, let's go.
-[audience laughing]
All right, okay.
I have my eye on Western policy,
so I believe that the abortion ruling
in America is a travesty.
-Anything under 29--
-[audience laughing]
-[shushes] Shut up. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
Anything under 29 weeks,
I believe is a woman's body
and her choice alone.
-I believe that, all right?
-[audience applauding]
-But I am also Indian!
-[audience laughing]
So, I believe that anything
over seven years,
a parent should be able to take a slipper
-and murder their child.
-[audience laughing, cheering]
-I believe in long-game abortion.
-[audience laughing]
And I look forward to your vote.
[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-And long-game discipline.
When I was 17, my best friend and I
crashed his father's car.
His father kicked his own son
in the balls.
-[audience laughing]
-He disciplined two generations
-that evening, guys.
-[audience laughing]
My best friend has a son now.
His son's first words were,
-"I am sorry, Papa."
-[audience laughing]
Like, I perform in America,
so I worry about being shot in America.
I think you need gun control
-legislation immediately.
-[audience applauding]
-But I am also Indian.
-[audience laughing]
So, I wanna be friends with at least
that one guy who has a gun.
[audience laughing, applauding]
-In case, shit goes down. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
I can call Punjab and be like,
-"Manjeet, I need you."
-[audience laughing]
And I am not insinuating
that all Punjabi people have guns. Relax.
Some of them have blades and swords.
Much quicker.
-[audience laughing]
-Human beings are just fruit
-with feelings.
-[audience laughing]
Like I learned English first,
so my English is stronger than my Hindi,
but I believe that Hindi
is a stronger language than English.
There are beautiful words in Hindi
that English doesn't have the power
to express as a language.
-[audience laughing]
-Beautiful words like--
-[clicks tongue]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
That's a Hindi word.
Non-Indians,
have you heard us do that shit, yeah?
-[audience laughing]
-It means about 40 different things.
Come on, everybody do it with me.
Come on.
-I am happy. [clicks tongue]
-[audience clicking tongues, laughing]
-I am sad. [clicks tongue]
-[audience clicking tongues, laughing]
-Fuck you! [clicks tongue]
-[audience clicking tongues, laughing]
-Fuck me! [clicks tongue]
-[audience laughing]
White people can't make that noise.
You need years of humidity
and cynicism to happen.
[audience laughing]
Give White people, like, ten more years
of climate change and Donald Trump,
they'll all be walking around like
[clicks tongue] "Goddammit!"
[audience laughing]
But, like, I am not so confident
in English
-that I would have sex in English.
-[audience laughing]
-I have sex in Hindi.
-[audience laughing]
Because English sex is very confident,
right?
-It's like, "Yeah, girl!"
-[audience laughing]
"I'm about to clap those cheeks, girl!"
-"Shit!"
-[audience laughing]
-"We about to smash AF, girl!"
-[audience laughing]
I don't have sex like that.
When I have sex, I'm like
[in Hindi] "Thank you so much.
May God always bless you."
[audience laughing, cheering]
"May you never forget me."
[in English] Non-Indians,
that is the only joke
I will not translate for you this evening.
-[audience laughing]
-Purely for my self-esteem.
A campaign has circulated
among school children
who are making my video viral.
The campaign says,
"If you ever get a chance
to speak to a crowd abroad,
be a Swami Vivekananda, not a Vir Das."
-With a picture of both of us together.
-[audience laughing]
This is a lot of pressure, New York City.
-Can we agree?
-[audience cheering]
-To compare comedians to spiritual gurus.
-[audience laughing]
-Nobody does the reverse.
-[audience laughing]
I have never read a review
in the newspaper entertainment section,
"Dalai Lama, not as funny
as we thought he was gonna be."
-[audience laughing]
-"Jesus Christ, better magician
-than comedian."
-[audience laughing]
"Moses keeps repeating
the same ten jokes."
-"Get new material, Moses!"
-[audience laughing, applauding]
"Mohammed, loved the book,
hated the cartoon."
[audience laughing, groaning]
Yeah, let's talk about death threats.
-Uh-- [laughs]
-[audience laughing, cheering]
We get so many.
My family is instructed
to turn their phones off
because we get tens of thousands
of death threats.
And I don't say that to manufacture
sympathy or bravado.
I am nobody's victim, nobody's hero.
All right? Indians are very pass
-about death threats anyway.
-[audience laughing]
Like, you threaten an American's family,
they feel triggered.
[audience laughing]
Indians, you can literally look at us
and, guys, I'll translate now.
You can look at an Indian
and be like
-[in Hindi] "I will
-[audience laughing]
-kill your father and drink his blood."
-[audience laughing]
[in English] Translation, "I will kill
your father and drink his blood."
[audience laughing]
You can say that to an Indian person
out loud and we'll be like, "Okay!"
[audience laughing, applauding]
Try.
But not on Tuesday, huh?
-It's non-veg, technically, so
-[audience laughing]
I also get 1.8 million social media
followers across platforms in 72 hours
-between the age of 18 and 25.
-[audience cheering]
I'm sitting on the youngest,
largest, most progressive
dumb fuckest audience
I have ever had in my life!
[audience laughing]
Are you here tonight?
Eighteen to 25, make some noise.
[audience cheering, applauding]
-You dumb bastards, why?
-[audience laughing]
-Don't get me wrong. I love your money
-[audience laughing]
but you make me feel like
the creepy uncle at the disco, you know?
-[audience laughing]
-They don't even know.
They're like, "What's a disco, bro?
Is it a back problem?"
-It's not a back problem!
-[audience laughing]
It's a room where your parents
dry humped each other.
-[audience laughing]
-They all join in.
They're like, "We're with you, Vir."
"This is a movement."
And I'm like, "No, it's not!"
Your other hand is eating noodles
that your mom made.
-This is not a movement.
-[audience laughing]
We're just trying to plug
into virtue together
by behaving like animals on social media.
Because it's turning us into that.
You ever seen a lion roar?
[imitates lion roaring]
Instantly, what happens?
The rest of the pack is like
[imitates lion roaring]
-That's a retweet!
-[audience laughing]
-You've ever seen wildebeest charging?
-[audience laughing]
They don't know what the fuck
they're charging at,
who they're following,
they're still charging.
-That's a hashtag.
-[audience laughing]
You ever seen two birds talk
to each other? [imitates bird noise]
One takes off [imitates bird noise]
another one lands.
Same sound, different movements.
That's a TikTok.
-[audience laughing]
-Maybe to them it sounds cooler, right?
Like you and me, we hear--
[imitates bird noise]
-[audience laughing]
-Maybe in bird language, it sounds like
Someday you leave this world behind
[imitating bird noises]
So, live a life
[imitating bird noises]
-[audience cheering]
-You will remember
I love that song.
Every time it plays
in my mind an influencer dies.
[audience laughing]
Here's why I think your generation
might save the world.
-You have zero emotional retention.
-[audience laughing, cheering]
You must articulate every experience,
mid-experience and receive validation
for the experience
before you have completed the experience.
[audience laughing, applauding]
But what that means
is you are not emotionally repressed.
You don't carry, you know,
baggage around.
You just express yourself.
You feel something new in your body,
you're like,
"I think I identify as a woman."
You're not repressed.
You get on the internet.
You're like,
"I think I identify as a woman."
-[exhales sharply]
-[audience laughing]
That's how old I am. That's the sound
I think the internet makes.
[audience laughing]
Somebody across the world is like,
"Hey, man, I identify as a woman too."
"Here's what you need to do.
Step one, two, three."
-[exhales sharply]
-[audience laughing]
That's a privilege and a skill.
Don't ever take that for granted.
We had nobody
for these conversations, right?
-All we had were Indian parents.
-[audience laughing]
If I walked into my parent's room like,
"Good morning, Mommy, Daddy."
-[audience laughing]
-"I think"
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
-"I identify as a woman."
-[audience laughing]
-"Okay!"
-[audience laughing]
"Could you identify as a woman
who does well on her exams?"
-"How about that shit, huh?"
-[audience laughing, applauding]
"She would be very welcome in this house."
"A woman who gets into Harvard,
we care about admission,
-not transition."
-[audience laughing]
And I don't care
about your transition either.
It is the prerogative of every generation
to shatter your social constructs
through conversation.
For you, that's gender.
So, go ahead, shatter it.
We might wind up someplace cool.
I hope you enjoy this fluidity as much
as your parents enjoyed infidelity.
[audience laughing]
-Oh, now we're uncomfortable, huh?
-[audience laughing]
You don't need to have a gender,
but Mom and Dad still need
-to have principles apparently, huh?
-[audience laughing]
Your parents were shackled by marriage,
so they created a divorce industry.
Your grandparents were shackled by race.
That's what they broke down.
Those barriers.
We don't have to talk about it.
We can pretend like your grandmother goes
to Jamaica every summer for the seafood.
[audience laughing]
-Guys, grow up!
-[audience laughing]
Your grandparents
were 20 years old in the 60s.
Your grandmom and grandad
have been to one orgy minimum.
-[audience laughing]
-They didn't call it that.
They called it, like, tambola night
or some shit like that, all right?
The communist party
or some shit like that.
[audience laughing, applauding]
For my generation, it was sexuality.
Our parents couldn't have
that conversation with us.
When I was 13, my mom came to me
like a detective who had solved a mystery.
-[audience laughing]
-She's like, "Vir,
-you don't have a girlfriend."
-[audience laughing]
-"Women will not talk to you."
-[audience laughing]
"If you're gay, tell me now.
We'll take you to a doctor and fix you."
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Mom, I'm not a gay.
I'm just a loser."
[audience laughing, applauding]
Those two are the opposite
of each other, right?
'Cause gay men are winners.
They are always levelling up.
My friend, Shashank. Here's how we dress,
here's how he dresses.
Here's what we eat, here's what--
-He dreams better than us.
-[audience laughing]
He sleeps with a smile on his face
every night. Just-- Hmm!
[audience laughing]
He wakes up, I am like, "Shashank,
what the fuck are you dreaming about?"
-He's like, "Sorbet."
-[audience laughing]
"Sorbet?"
"Even your dreams are lactose-free
and upper-middle-class, man."
[audience laughing, applauding]
I
I have never dreamt of sorbet.
I have dreamt of one Toblerone
chocolate my entire life.
[audience laughing]
And in my dream, I didn't get to eat
the fucking chocolate.
-[audience laughing ]
-It's still wound up inside me.
-[audience] Oh! [laughing, cheering]
-But, you know
-That joke gets that reaction every time.
-[audience laughing]
I'm not sure why though. I don't know
if it's because the joke is a twist
or because of the texture
of the Toblerone.
[audience laughing]
'Cause, you know it would
take a while, right?
'Cause you're putting a triangle
inside a circle. You know what I mean?
-These are my dreams.
-[audience laughing]
And this is how I want to use my platform.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
But, um
You know, I was curious
about my sexuality as well.
So, when I was 13, I made out with a boy.
I tried it.
-You know, and in
-[audience cheering]
-[clears throat]
-[audience laughing]
And in five minutes,
we knew it wasn't for us.
It didn't feel wrong,
but it didn't feel right for us.
-Make sense?
-[audience] Yes!
Never talk about it.
Most people in my generation don't
because we studied Science
in Delhi Public School!
[audience cheering, applauding]
So, we were always taught that,
"All experiments must be success."
[audience laughing, applauding]
So, from my perspective,
I am not straight.
-I failed the homosexuality entrance exam.
-[audience laughing]
-I ace my SATs, fail my GAYs.
-[audience laughing]
But my first kiss was a straight boy.
-Yeah. So, ladies, I empathize.
-[audience laughing]
[gags]
We sign up for different things, right?
You sign up for kissing.
We sign up for exploring, you know?
[audience laughing]
It's like the inside of my mouth
was the Earth and he believed it was flat.
[audience laughing]
I was like, "Hey, man,
do you wanna go round a little bit?"
He's like, "No, I will keep going in
the same direction till I find the end."
[audience laughing]
Look how uncomfortable the room
is right now by the way.
I am sorry, America.
Am I punching down on straight men?
[audience laughing]
These are the rules of comedy
that you have set in the West, right?
Always make fun of people
who have more privilege than you do.
That is called a punch up.
Never make fun of people
who have less privilege than you.
That is called a punch down!
-Have you heard of this, yeah?
-[audience laughing]
What a bullshit Western construct
-this is!
-[audience laughing]
Because in the West,
your privilege is consistent.
Indian privilege is very volatile.
Up and down, like a feather.
Fluttering on the wind.
One moment you are Forrest Gump,
next moment you are Laal Singh Chaddha.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Up and down, up and down, up and down!
Plus, honestly, I feel like in the West,
most of you are calling out
your own privilege before
other people call out your privilege
so that you can go back to quietly
-enjoying your privilege.
-[audience laughing]
Some of you look confused.
The White people are like, "He knows!"
[audience laughing]
The minute you add nuance
to the privilege conversation,
it falls apart. Like, okay, you tell me.
Could I, a Brown man from India,
could I make fun of Ivanka Trump?
-Is that a punch up? Yeah?
-[audience cheering]
Allowed? Let's add layers.
What if Ivanka Trump has a baby
with a Syrian Muslim refugee?
-[crowd groaning, gasping]
-It could happen. Love is love.
[audience laughing]
-Could I make fun of the baby?
-[indistinct chatter]
-You weak bastards!
-[audience laughing]
Guys, come on. Muslim refugee
Trump baby is hilarious, guys.
-[audience laughing]
-Guys, just
-Think about this baby.
-[audience laughing, cheering]
Inzamam-ul-Trump.
Think about him, all right?
[audience laughing, applauding]
I don't know why he is two feet tall.
All right. It's none of my business.
Think about this fucking baby.
He owns 75 buildings in Manhattan
but has no homeland. Come on!
[audience laughing]
I know, I know.
Uncomfortable, uncomfortable.
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs] I'll pull back. Um
Vladimir Putin. Could I make fun
of Vladimir Putin?
-Punch up?
-[audience cheering]
Let's add layers.
What if Vladimir Putin had alopecia?
[audience laughing]
Oh!
You thought Jada
was the only bald dictator?
[audience laughing, applauding]
He's just sad, sitting in the Kremlin,
-rubbing his head.
-[audience laughing]
-Nothing grows in Russia.
-[audience laughing]
Please don't cancel me. I apologize.
Please! I don't wanna get cancelled.
It would really interfere
with my incarceration.
[audience laughing]
This is the big Western comic complaint.
I was with an American comic.
He was like,
"Vir, Cancel Culture is insane!"
"The other day a mob came after me!
A mob! On Twitter!"
[audience laughing, applauding]
-[smacks lips] Okay.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
It's like telling the freshly castrated
that your balls itch.
-[audience laughing]
-The most annoying article
that I ever read in the West is,
"Why doesn't Indian comedy content
push the envelope?"
[laughs sarcastically] Really, bitch?
Because we looked inside the envelope!
[audience laughing]
There are court cases inside the envelope.
There is a court date
on the top of the envelope.
-Um--
-[audience laughing]
So, we make safe content, right?
When we're in India, we make safe movies
where India always defeats Pakistan.
-[audience laughing]
-Doesn't matter at what!
Battle, cricket, inhaling, Uno!
We always win.
[audience laughing]
-And we love these movies, yes?
-[audience cheering]
And then when we're abroad,
we make safe family content.
Aww, look at this sitcom
about this South Asian family.
Look how they get on with their neighbors.
Do you know what they do at night?
They watch Bollywood movies
about shooting their neighbors.
[audience laughing]
Aww, but they are so conservative.
Yeah! They live abroad.
-That's where conservative India lives.
-[audience laughing]
Abroad.
If you want your Indian children
to be virgins at 25,
you raise them in New Jersey,
not New Delhi.
[audience laughing, applauding]
[inaudibly] Sorry!
I know it hurt, but it's true.
Am I wrong?
-[audience] No!
-Any people raised
by Indian parents abroad?
Come on, second generations.
Let me see you. Come on.
Indian parents here.
I say this to you with respect.
Your parent's version of India
does not exist.
-It's archaic, it's gone!
-[audience cheering]
Also, your pop culture portrayal
-of India doesn't exist.
-[audience laughing]
This India where we all walk around like
-[mumbles]
-[audience laughing]
Do we talk like that back home?
-[audience] No!
-No,
-Indians talk like that here! [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
You know what that shit is?
That's an American accent.
-[audience laughing]
-Come home!
-[in Hindi] Come on!
-[audience laughing]
[in English] Come home and witness
modern India in all of our chaos
but our infinitely larger beauty.
-Come home.
-[audience cheering]
And if you are not going to come home,
never lecture us from abroad
about what it means to be Indian.
-In the words of every Mumbaikar I know
-[audience cheering]
[in Hindi] "Come and dare to battle me
or else, fuck off!"
[audience cheering]
[in English] I'll translate. Don't worry.
It's not as good in English.
-I'm just going to be honest.
-[audience laughing]
Because you heard the response
in Hindi, right?
-It was like-- You know?
-[audience laughing]
But in English,
it literally translates into like,
"Get on the field
-or shove something up your ass."
-[audience laughing]
It's not as good.
-It's also a very specific life choice.
-[audience laughing]
I
I don't know
what kind of situation you are in
[audience laughing]
-but the only two choices you have
-[audience laughing]
I don't even know what kind
of field this is,
-you know?
-[audience laughing]
Is it like a battlefield?
You know, like two guys are like,
"All right, lads?"
-[audience laughing]
-"It's time
to fight for our country, and our land."
"So, we're gonna get on that field
and if it's a battle
they are looking for, well, fuck it,
-it's a battle they're gonna get."
-[audience laughing]
"Are you with me?"
-"No, I'm all right."
-[audience laughing]
"I'm just gonna shove a wee
something up my ass."
[audience laughing, applauding]
I don't know.
Ooh, Like an-- Like an athletic field,
like two marathon runners,
you know, they're like,
"Okay, we have trained
-for these moments our entire lives."
-[audience laughing]
"We are going to get on this field
and we are going
to win a gold medal for Nigeria."
-[audience laughing]
-"Are you with me?"
[clicks tongue]
"Okay, I am very tired now!"
[audience laughing]
"I am going to shove something up my ass."
[audience laughing]
Or like a-- Like a farming American field.
Like, you know,
two farmers are like, "Well, Jim"
[audience laughing]
"I see a lot of corn."
"Might be time to get on that field
and cut her down."
[audience laughing, cheering]
-"No, Paul!"
-[audience laughing]
"I'm just going to cut the wood
and shove it up my ass."
[audience laughing, applauding]
-"Excuse me, why is this taking so long?"
-[audience laughing]
"Well, we just improvised
-a bit right now."
-[audience laughing]
-"We got to find an end."
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-"He is right, you know."
-[audience laughing]
-"You can't move on without an end."
-[audience laughing]
-"Jesus Christ, all right, look, um"
-[audience laughing]
"I'm just going to count down
from three to one."
-"We're just going to move the fuck on."
-[audience laughing]
"All right, Jim?"
[audience laughing, cheering]
-"All right, Paul."
-[audience laughing]
"Yeah, that is okay with me."
-[audience laughing]
-"All right."
[audience laughing]
-"Da."
-[audience laughing]
-"Who the fuck are you?"
-[audience laughing]
-"KGB!"
-[audience laughing, cheering]
-Uh.
-[audience cheers, applauds]
[Vir] Oh.
-I'll get us back in the show, um.
-[audience laughing]
Speaking of failed anal, any parents here?
[audience laughing]
-It's a transition.
-[audience laughing]
You know, it's your job to tell them lies.
Make them believe in miracles.
Fucking God, Tooth Fairy, tax refunds.
That comes from you.
[audience laughing]
Like do you remember
the day you went out into the real world
-and discovered your parents are morons?
-[audience laughing]
-I was six.
-[audience laughs, applauds]
My father and I, we were on the balcony
looking up at the stars,
and I was like,
"Papa, what are the stars?"
My father, without missing a beat,
he's like, "Vir, there is a bright light
up in heaven."
"That light used to blind human beings."
"So, God took a black chart paper
and put it between heaven and Earth."
[audience laughing, applauding]
"Then God took a pencil
and punctured holes in the chart paper."
-[audience laughing]
-"That became heaven's light."
-And I was like, "My daddy is awesome."
-[audience laughing]
And I took that information
and went to real school.
[audience laughing]
And I discovered,
no, my dad is on drugs apparently.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I was all passive-aggressive
with my teacher for no reason.
My teacher's like,
"A star is a burning mass of hydrogen."
I'm like, "This bitch doesn't know
about the chart paper!"
[audience laughing, applauding]
She is like, "Your father's wrong."
I am like, "Get my dad's name
out of your fucking mouth!"
-[imitates slapping sound]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
Relax. Relax, babe.
I would never slap a teacher.
Their salaries do that.
[audience groaning, applauding]
Do you remember
touching another human being's body
but you hadn't seen
so much porn and Instagram
that their body felt like a miracle?
Like the first time
I took a girl's shirt off,
-I was 16 years old and I believed
-[audience laughing]
that if I push this breast in,
the other one would become bigger.
[audience laughing, applauding]
[chuckles] Don't judge me.
She felt the same way about my balls.
All right, she was like,
"If I squeeze him,
-he'll go to the neighbor's house."
-[audience laughing]
This is geopolitics.
That's all it is, right?
-[audience laughing]
-Apply pressure to the smaller community.
Grow the larger community
and cause migration.
-That's all it is. Yeah! Yeah!
-[audience laughing, applauding]
We hunt for miracles,
and I submit to you that they still exist.
Hear me out for a second,
New York, New Jersey.
-Um.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
This
This microphone is a miracle.
Hear me out.
A microphone was invented 144 years ago.
It has changed the world
more than any man alive.
A microphone started World War Two.
A microphone liberated Black people.
A microphone oppressed Jewish people.
There are parts of the world
where this enables
big people to talk about small things.
In my part of the world,
this enables small people to talk
about big things.
The reason I am always in trouble
[audience laughing]
is because I discovered
the power of this microphone
when I was eight years old.
Tonight, New York City,
I'd love to tell you that story.
-Would you like to hear that story?
-[audience cheering, applauding]
I went to a fucked up boarding school
-where a lot of strange shit happened.
-[audience laughing]
Violence is an integral part
of the Indian schooling system.
-Indians, have we been beaten?
-[audience] Yes!
-With equipment?
-[audience] Yes!
With cricket bats-- Commonwealth Games
of child abuse. Really.
[audience laughing]
I was once beaten
with a table tennis racquet for two hours.
[audience laughing]
Do you know the level of skill
and precision you need?
[audience laughing]
Even the victim is like,
"This is impressive. Carry on. Please."
[audience laughing]
"Just use the dotted side.
I enjoy the exfoliation."
[audience laughing]
We're beaten so much in school,
we don't remember anything from school.
All Indians just remember
one useless equation
and turns out it's a metaphor
for our entire lives.
For some reason,
every Indian here tonight remembers
-that a plus b whole square
-[audience cheering, applauding]
Ready? Yeah?
-Deep breath.
-[audience laughing]
-[audience] Is equal to--
-Not yet! [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-[shivers]
-Having, like, a mathematical monsoon.
-[audience laughing]
-Wait for me, man.
-[audience laughing]
All right, here we go.
A plus b whole square is equal to
-A square plus b square
-[audience] A square plus b square
-plus 2ab.
-plus 2ab.
-Why do we remember this shit?
-[audience laughing]
But there are three types
of people in the world.
-Those who know about the 2ab.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Those who forgot about the 2ab.
-[audience laughing]
-And guys who think the 2ab is magic.
-[audience laughing]
And we made the third guy--
I can't even-- I am not--
[audience cheering, applauding]
What happens to you in school
will stay with you your entire lives?
-[audience] Yes.
-Sexually?
-[audience laughing]
-You bailed on me. I am disappointed.
-Can I do a sex story now? Yeah?
-[audience cheering]
So, check this out. I was hooking up
with this girl, all right?
[audience laughing]
And, like, I was like, "What do you like?"
And she was like, "Vir, choke me."
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-And I was like, "No!"
[audience laughing]
And she's like, "It's my fetish.
I want you to choke me."
-And I was like, "No means no!"
-[audience laughing]
And she's like,
"Ooh, what are you? Sensitive?"
-And I was like, "No, I am famous!"
-[audience laughing]
And she's like, "I give you consent.
Choke me." So, I was like, "Fine."
So, three weeks later,
after lawyers had drawn up, like,
non-disclosure agreements,
-stamp paper notary.
-[audience laughing]
And she's like, "Now is your moment."
And I went like [mumbles]
-[audience laughing]
-Scary for the choker also.
She's like, "Come on, be a man!"
[chuckles] I was like, "Fine!"
-[audience laughing]
-"You like that, Mrs. Patel?"
[audience laughing, applauding]
She was like,
"Who the fuck is Mrs. Patel?"
I am like, "That's my Maths teacher
from class nine."
[audience laughing, applauding]
She's like, "Is this sexual for you?"
I was like, "No, it's mostly justice.
But you do you, madam."
[audience laughing, applauding]
I was once beaten by a prefect two weeks
in a row with a hockey stick.
I don't wanna say his name.
I don't want legal trouble.
It was Mohit Singhal and
[audience laughing, applauding]
There was a debate happening in school.
This boy was ten years older than I was.
I remember he went up on stage
and began his debate with a joke.
The joke was this.
"Good evening, everyone."
"You're walking in the jungle
and you meet a lion."
"What time is it?"
-[grunts] "Time to run."
-[audience laughing]
I still can't tell you
why I raised my hand.
-[audience laughing]
-I went up on stage to ask him a question.
I remember holding onto this microphone
and feeling something
I'd never felt before. Strength.
You know, I couldn't sit
but suddenly I could stand.
Looking at this boy
who was ten years older than I was,
and seeing something
I had never seen before. Fear.
-[audience laughing]
-And letting it fill me up.
I mean, call it courage,
call it what you like. Right?
And somehow being able to be like,
"I just want to tell you"
[audience laughing]
"Mohit Singhal,
that if you are walking in the jungle
and you meet a lion, it's not time to run,
it's time to die, bitch."
-Now
-[audience laughing]
the school laughed! My God, they laughed.
And I learnt the most
important lesson of my life
that words have meaning.
Words cause and defeat violence.
Words are memorable.
I was on cloud nine as I walked
to dinner that evening.
And something came out of a bush
and pulled me into that bush.
-And it was Mohit Singhal.
-[audience laughing]
-And he said, "What time is it?"
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-And I said, "Time to die." [chuckles]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
He beat me for two more hours,
but he couldn't beat
the smile off my face.
I remember just lying on the floor,
bleeding uncontrollably,
just laughing because I was like,
"Oh, shit, I deserve this."
-[audience laughing]
-"But this is funny."
"I can see jokes from here.
I think I like it here."
I belong on the floor.
The floor is my home.
And this is freedom. I swear to God.
It is! It is freedom that I think about,
that I obsess about
on an Air India flight
-[audience laughing]
-from Newark to Mumbai.
[audience cheering]
An Air India air hostess
offers me a glass of gin.
I refuse. She says,
"Mr. Das, come with me."
Takes me to the front of the plane.
In the silence of a sleeping aircraft,
this old lady puts her arms around me
and I start to cry.
And she just comforts me like a pro.
Like this happens every day on Air India.
[audience laughing]
Possibly after people try
the non-veg meal.
[audience laughing, applauding]
And she is like,
"I saw the video. I loved it."
"Now, whatever happens,
you stand up straight, son!"
"I know exactly
what you are going through."
And I say, "Auntie, with all due respect"
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] "I am not sure you do."
And she says, "Don't be silly.
Don't you and me have the same job?"
"We're both just expected
to serve angry uncles."
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering, applauding]
Sometimes all you need in life
is an Air India auntie, you know?
-[audience laughing]
-And I-- Look, I'm not arrogant, New York.
I know why the uncles are angry.
I get it. Right?
They love their country.
I would never judge anybody for that.
Do you love your country? Yeah?
-[audience cheering]
-Well, most of them love their country.
-The rest are nationalists but
-[audience laughing]
-We'll unpack it.
-[man] Whoo!
In every country in the world
there are patriots
and there are nationalists.
Patriots love their country
and just do things about it.
Nationalists love themselves
and the cult of themselves
and they use their country
to advertise it.
It's just narcissism with a flag.
Don't ever let anyone tell you
how to love your own country.
-[inhales sharply]
-[audience cheering, applauding]
Now, that feels like information
that you will soon speak at a party
and pass off as your own.
-[audience laughing]
-It is fine but if you ever are in danger,
and people start beating you
and they are like,
"Where the fuck did you
learn this nonsense?"
I need you to remember that
my name is Aziz Ansari. All right?
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding, cheering]
-Or Hasan Minhaj.
-[audience laughing, cheering]
-Same passport.
-[audience laughing]
We arrive in Mumbai drunk on gin.
Well done, Auntie.
There are 200 paparazzi
waiting for us at the airport.
I am no way even near that kind of famous.
They follow us
across the airport in silence.
They wait outside our house
for ten days in silence.
It is just silent.
After ten days, I call my lawyers
and I am like, "Are we okay?"
And they are like,
"Yeah, we are rich, bitch."
-And I am like, "Not you! Am I okay?"
-[audience laughing, applauding]
They are like,
"Vir, these are police cases."
"The police will decide
whether to convert them
into charge sheets or not."
It takes 35 very long days.
In seven different
police stations in India,
in seven different cities,
the police are shown my video.
One by one they all say,
"This is not a problem."
"We agree with this man.
We are not going to take action."
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-I
And it's actually kind of breath-taking
if you think about it.
Comedians aren't brave.
The police! Now, that is punching up!
[audience applauding, cheering]
On the night that I was called
a terrorist in my home country,
I was nominated for an Emmy Award.
-[inhales] I was [chuckles]
-[audience cheering, applauding]
I was in New York for the Emmys
for a show called Vir Das: For India
-for which I already had a legal case.
-[audience laughing]
By the time I walked the red carpet,
I had seven more.
-[audience laughing]
-So, I just had to fake it, right?
I was on the red carpet
and they were like,
"Vir, how does it feel
to be in America right now?"
And I'm like, "It's good to be
outside of India. I am not gonna lie."
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-It's good to be traveling.
"Do you feel like people
are excited for you back home?"
-"Well, they are not calm."
-[audience laughing]
"What are you gonna say if you win?"
-"'Help!' I don't know!"
-[audience laughing]
I just remember feeling
an intense sense of shame.
"God, please don't let me win.
It will really piss them off. Please!"
"Don't let me win.
It will really piss them off."
And then I didn't win
and it just pissed me off.
-[audience laughing]
-I lost to this big French show
and there were all these gorgeous
French men walking around
and they had heard what happened to me.
And they came over and were like,
"We heard what happened to you."
-"It must be very stressful."
-[audience laughing]
"Listen, many of us are going
to have sex later tonight."
-[audience laughing]
-"You are
You're a beautiful man. You can join.
We will relieve your stress."
[audience laughing]
And I was like, "You're having an orgy
to celebrate your Emmy?"
And he's like, "No,
it's Monday, so" [mumbles]
[audience laughing]
I am like, "You know, sir,
I appreciate the offer,
but like, if I get caught,
that's a very bad headline
for me right now."
[audience laughing]
"Vir Das ostracized and sodomized
by two different countries."
-[audience laughing]
-Two very different penal codes.
[audience laughing, applauding]
He is like, "No, I understand,
but if you don't want to,
then there is a field next door.
You" [chuckles]
[audience laughing, applauding]
Every time I get nominated for an award,
some shit goes down.
Ten years ago, I was nominated
for a Filmfare Award.
-[audience cheering]
-Your ironic response is appropriate.
[audience laughing]
Filmfare Awards, guys,
are a very big deal.
-They are like our Oscar Awards.
-[audience laughing]
Except the Oscars
are way more expensive to buy.
-[audience laughing]
-I'd never been before.
So, Filmfare sent me a pass
that sticks to the inside of your car.
The pass says V-V-V-VIP.
Full form, VVVVIP!!
[audience laughing]
I'd never been, so I stuck the pass
on the outside of my windscreen.
-[audience laughing]
-I am on the Western Express Highway.
Out of the corner of my eye,
I see a V-V-V-VIP pass go vvvvip
-[audience laughing]
-stick to an auto rickshaw and fuck off.
This is what I mean
about Indian privilege. Very volatile.
[audience laughing]
I, meanwhile, am stuck outside
the gates of Filmcity trying to convince
the security guard that
I am an actor in movies. [chuckles]
And I swear to God, verbatim,
he looks at me and he's like,
"If you are an actor in movies,
I am an actor in movies."
[audience laughing, applauding]
So, now, I spend another hour
trying to convince the security guard
-that he could be an actor in movies.
-[audience laughing]
And he's like, "No, sir,
if I can be an actor in movies,
-you can be an actor in movies."
-[audience laughing]
And he's like, "What?"
And I am like, "What?"
-And I go inside. I am a Jedi.
-[audience laughing]
As I get to the Filmfare Awards,
they tell me that my producer, Aamir Khan,
has boycotted these awards.
Has not submitted any footage of mine
to play for when they announce
my nomination.
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah!
Americans, you will not know
who these actors are,
but they are very, very talented.
Deserve their nominations.
The lights get dim.
They are like, "And now,
the nominee for the best supporting actor
at the Manikchand Pan Pasand"
[audience laughing, applauding]
"travel partner, Expedia,
hair partner, Sunsilk,
makeup partner, L'Oral,
partner-partner, Shaadi.com,
herpes partner, Durex Filmfare Awards
for Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara,
Farhan Akhtar."
And a beautiful 20-second clip
of that man acting plays on two screens.
For Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara,
Abhay Deol.
And a beautiful 20-second clip
of that man acting plays on two screens.
-And for Delhi Belly, Vir Das.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-And a passport photograph!
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-A still photo for 20 seconds.
-[audience laughing]
[chuckling] In silence!
Twenty seconds of silence in a live show
is excruciating, you fucking
[audience laughing]
-[mouthing]
-[audience laughing]
-[mouthing]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
[audience laughing, applauding]
-It looked like I had died.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
This was my in-memoriam moment of silence.
Everybody got all sad and shit.
They stood up. They were like,
"Oh, my God, he died so young."
-[audience laughing]
-"Who is he?"
Then they put the camera on me.
I didn't know what to do.
So, I mourned myself.
I am like, "Dead, dead, dead."
[audience laughing, applauding]
He is not dead yet. He is gonna
kill himself tonight. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
And I-- I thought about it that night.
I thought about it the night of the Emmys.
[clears throat] Look.
I would not wish
feeling like you have let
your country down on my worst enemy.
I wouldn't. And I-- [hesitates]
I was clear that day and I am clear
standing before you right now.
If I have ever created a world in which
I don't get to touch a microphone,
I have zero interest in that world.
I just remember standing like--
I was at this fancy hotel called
The Beekman in New York and every floor--
It was hollow on the inside
and it overlooked the lobby
and I just remember standing
on my floor just thinking,
"Oh, I fucked it up. I"
"They are never gonna let me--
I should jump."
"You know,
I'm in this fancy Emmy outfit--"
"They can send me off
in the outfit. It's perfect."
[audience laughing]
But then I remembered that my wife
is sleeping in the other room
-and that's an awkward checkout.
-[audience laughing]
-From the hotel.
-[audience laughing]
And life.
Plus, this is a hotel in New York City.
If I just land in the lobby
[imitates crash]
I'll scare the shit out of three countries
minimum, right? [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckling] Some British person is like,
"All right, yeah, do you have Netflix?"
[imitates crash]
"I am sorry. There is a dead Indian
in the lobby here."
[audience laughing]
"What's going on? Do they want
independence again? What's up?"
[audience laughing, applauding]
Two American girls are at the bar.
Just like, "Angela,
he doesn't deserve you."
-[audience laughing]
-"You should leave him."
[imitates crash]
"But life is short, you know."
[audience laughing, applauding]
"Go in the woods. It'll be fine."
[chuckles]
Some kid is on Instagram in the lobby.
Suddenly [imitates crash]
Boop.
Someday you leave this world behind
-[grunts]
-[audience laughing]
[Vir] So, live a life
You can remember
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles]
But I am like, "No,
I am not going in the darkness."
"If I go, I'll go in sunlight like a man."
So, I just smoke cigarettes,
look to God's chart paper and [inhales]
[audience laughing]
At midnight, my management
from India calls.
Every producer, director,
movie studio, venue,
sponsor, client, canceled on me.
And I was like, "I get it, but I
I have mouths to f"
They are like, "Vir, nobody will work
with you right now."
"You have a social media following.
So maybe"
-"So, I am an influencer?"
-[audience laughing]
-"Fuck sunlight! Let's jump right now."
-[audience laughing, applauding]
So, I did the one thing
that every artist does
when they realize their career's over.
-[inhales] Drugs.
-[audience laughing]
I got high as balls. I smoked weed.
And when I did, I remembered
why I don't smoke weed.
[audience laughing]
It's because weed doesn't relax me.
It just makes me erect and afraid.
-[audience laughing]
-Which is my least favorite kind of erect.
-[audience laughing]
-And my favorite kind of afraid but
[audience laughing]
This is a weird combination, right?
This is why-- Horny and scared.
This is why I don't do drugs
at music festivals. Right, like
[audience laughing]
I don't wanna be at a Coldplay
concert like, "Look at the stars!"
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[vocalizing]
[chuckling] So now,
I can't even commit suicide
because all I keep thinking about is,
what if I jump, land on it and don't die?
-[audience laughing]
-Bro
Even if I do die,
this is a horrible obituary.
"Vir Das was found naked,
dead, alone, afraid
in a large hotel lobby in New York
with a medium-sized hard-on."
[audience laughing]
"He was a stand-up till the end."
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding, cheering]
After two months, my family is allowed
to turn our phones on again.
They explode. It's not hatred. It's love.
Millions and millions of messages
of kindness from across the world.
-It is direct messages.
-[audience laughing]
And then all your tickets sell out
in five minutes.
[audience cheering, applauding]
And everyone from Bollywood calls
and now wants to
-[audience laughing]
-And everywhere you go,
people meet you with love,
and warmth, and kindness,
and you meet them
with suspicion and resentment.
-[audience laughing]
-You do because you are like,
"Where the fuck were you
when I needed you?"
"When my world was burning,
when my family was under fire,
where the fuck was your voice?
I thought you didn't exist!"
And then you grow up
a little bit. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
-You stop feeling sorry for yourself.
And you realize that
hate is yelled but love is felt.
It is unfair to expect people
to yell love.
You should just be grateful
that they feel it in the first place
and then trust that it will always
outlast the hate.
And that's not even history.
That's just basic Harry Potter.
[audience laughing]
But if you are ever
at the receiving end of hate,
or feel like your nation is lost in it,
from my family to you,
I just want you to know that
love is always playing right underneath.
You just can't hear it in the darkness.
You got to hang out till sunlight
and you'll hear it.
It's soft but it's not weak.
I promise you.
The problem is,
they just both play at the same time.
It's almost like
we come from two [inhales]
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding, cheering]
-I don't repeat jokes.
-[audience laughing]
And then what? You are supposed
to go back to doing this again
like nothing ever happened, but it did.
I mourned my whole career.
I never thought I'd see you again.
So, now, you and me,
back in the same room together.
This is an unplanned blessing
that I could not be more
grateful for in my heart.
-[audience cheering]
-[hesitates]
But it's It's different.
I have nothing left to lose.
I have no one left to impress.
I will never be mainstream
or cool again. I am finished.
But I am free.
It's like for the longest time you and me,
we just co-existed, right? A plus b!
[audience laughing, applauding]
And then some shit happened
and somebody whole squared us.
-[audience laughing]
-And now I feel like b square
and all I wanna do
is make you feel like a square.
And whatever happens next,
the sound of your laughter, that's 2ab.
-We can make magic together.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
I will never defame India
on foreign soil ever again.
So now, I just carry Indian soil
with me wherever I go.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Tonight, you are watching the performance
from a comedian from Mumbai
on the actual sands of Juhu Beach
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-that I travel with.
Every single time I made fun
of my country tonight,
I made sure
I was standing on Indian soil.
-[audience laughing]
-I timed every word to my feet.
Don't believe me?
Watch my special again!
[audience laughing]
This is an awkward conversation
with customs by the way.
They are just like, "Sir, why are you
traveling with a suitcase full of sand?"
-I am like, "Patriotism!"
-[audience laughing]
There aren't even that many airlines that
will let you check in a bag full of sand.
-But there is one!
-[audience cheering, applauding]
I don't care where I go from here,
I take Mumbai sand with me.
And we are flying Air India,
ladies and gentlemen.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-And if you have ever flown Emirates,
you know what a goddamn
compromise that is.
-[audience laughing]
-Have you flown Emirates here?
-[audience cheering]
-[mumbles]
-Maybe not you guys but still, you know.
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles] I am sorry.
-[audience applauding]
Just getting emotional.
I had to bring it back. I am sorry.
-I am sure you will, someday.
-[audience laughing, cheering]
-Just work hard.
-[audience laughing]
-Or sleep with these guys.
-[audience laughing]
[audience cheering, applauding]
This is my final story for the evening.
It is a very privileged story.
But I will endear myself to you
through the course of this story.
-Are we ready? Yeah?
-[audience cheering]
So, I was flying first-class
on Emirates, guys.
-And, uh
-[audience laughing]
That first-class seat is tremendous.
Have you seen it? Yeah?
-You walk by it on your way to
-[audience laughing]
Airhostess is one of the most
beautiful women I have ever seen.
She comes up. She is like,
"Mr. Das, there's a shower."
Would you like to shower
an hour before landing
or two hours before landing?"
And I was so taken with her beauty.
I thought she meant with her.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I was like, "Madam, this is the number
one airline in the world."
[audience laughing]
"UNESCO voted number one
airline in the world."
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
Then you go to first class.
There's a bathroom in first class!
It's the size of an apartment!
Your apartment. But still, you know
[audience laughing, applauding]
They give you one towel.
You get naked. I start to
This is not how I shower.
I am sorry. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
All Indians don't shower
in Bollywood movies.
That's not how this works.
No, I just get the soap, right?
And I am jhaaging up and
-[audience laughing]
-What the fuck?
[audience laughing]
What do you say in New York
if you don't say "jhaaging up"?
-What's the word?
-[woman] Lather?
Lather? Lather, madam? Lather?
-With respect-- [spits] All right?
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-I am very sorry. I don't mean to
-[audience cheering, applauding]
But I just-- Lather has super, like
"My name is Sandeep
but call me Sandy" energy, you know?
-[audience laughing]
-Now, there's a green light.
I don't see the light go red
because I am a back showerer.
I don't shower like this.
I shower like that. I like it this way.
-[audience laughing]
-Really? Just me? Nobody else?
Yeah? Madam? Yeah? Madam?
There you go.
I don't like hot liquid
splashing in my face.
I like it trickling down my ass.
-Madam? Madam?
-[audience laughing, applauding]
It's because [chuckles] when I
Very sorry. When I was growing up,
I didn't have a shower, I had a bucket.
-[audience laughing]
-Bucket had a hot tap and a cold tap.
You had to mix the temperature yourself.
To get the temperature right,
you had to be a thermal
engineer slash psychic.
[audience laughs, applauds]
It was always 40 degrees too warm.
So, what did we do?
Safety position. Take a mug.
Put it on our back.
Let it trickle down our back and cool down
before it cradled our testicles.
This is science!
[audience laughing]
You only get ten minutes of water.
This lady didn't tell me that shit.
When I am at my peak form,
the light goes red and the water goes out.
[audience laughing]
I look like I have been molested
by a cloud at this point.
[audience laughing]
So now I come out of the shower
to the sink
with my own personal marshmallow.
[chuckles]
And I am just doing like a bird bath
type of a situation.
-[audience laughing]
-But, like, I am not tall enough
to just lower my junk into the sink
and give it a casual wash, right?
So, now I have to take palmfuls
and splash them up into dark places.
-[audience laughing]
-But the entire bathroom is flooded.
It is soaking.
And I will not be the Indian man
[audience laughing]
-who fucked up the bathroom.
-[audience laughing]
So, now I am naked on all fours
with my one towel
mopping the Emirate's
first-class bathroom.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Mopping it clean!
Why? For my country!
-[audience cheering]
-You call me a traitor?
-I am a janitor is what I am!
-[audience cheer, applauding]
You call me a slave?
I am also a sweeper.
-[audience cheering]
-I did such a good job.
At the end of it she asked me
to do the other bathroom.
-[audience laughing]
-She is like, "Mr. Das, you are a mess."
"You are so good on the floor."
I am like, "Ma'am, I like it here."
-[audience laughing]
-"I can see jokes from here."
"I belong on the floor.
The floor is home."
My name is Vir Das.
It was an honor performing
for you tonight.
[audience cheers, applauds]
["Shine" playing]
Shine down a light on me
And take me in your arms
And never let me go
Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned
Everything will be alright
If you let it go
Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned
Everything will be alright
If you let it go
Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned
Everything will be alright
If you let it go
Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned
Everything will be alright
If you let it go
-Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned
-Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned
Everything will be alright
If you let it go
["Shine" concluding]
["I'm In Mumbai Waiting For A Miracle"
playing]
["I'm In Mumbai, Waiting For A Miracle"
concluding]