Vive la France (2013) Movie Script
French. Only French.
I not feel good.
Calm.
Do like me.
Think other things.
Watch film.
What is it?
A film about a plane.
It's interesting.
Very interesting.
- Your meal, sir.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
just entered French airspace.
It's time.
Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately
an air traffic controllers' strike
has shut down the Paris airports.
We have to land in Figari
in Corsica.
What the hell?
- What now?
- Move!
- Go!
- You're sure?
Why not Tripoli while you're at it?
We head back to France
and the bullshit starts!
The meal was foul too!
Shame on you!
- My fork!
- What?
I lose my fork.
I go alone.
Why not land in Nice?
Nice is closed for a summit.
It has to be Corsica.
We're starting our descent.
Yes, sir?
I need the toilet.
Too late.
Thank you for the cutlery.
All of you, sit down now!
Fasten your seatbelts
and clam up!
You can't treat us like this!
When the world was created,
God decided to invent
the most beautiful country of all
and put all
of the world's wonders in it.
He called that country...
France.
But so that other countries
wouldn't feel deprived,
God decided to fill it with
the French.
But first let me explain
how we got here.
It all began in Taboulistan,
a tiny Central Asian country
stuck between Afghanistan,
Kirghizstan
and Tajikistan.
And it all began exactly
in a small village called
Kachtebrul.
This is me. Feruz.
And that's Muzafar.
We're half-brothers.
Muzafar is the son
our dad had with his cousin.
The lady with the moustache.
Every morning
with our women, we do
the famous traditional dance
of Taboulistan,
the Tawa!
The dance of joy!
Our land is called Taboulistan
because our greatest pride
is to have invented 1,000 years ago
the original recipe
for tabbouleh!
A skillful blend of grain,
parsley
and tomatoes.
In spite of what people think,
the Lebanese didn't invent it.
Those dogs just stole the recipe!
And, since then,
the world has forgotten we exist.
The UN has never recognized us.
And that bothers
our Great Leader, Hadadad
Wassupbro...
Idiots!
...democratically elected
for 36 years.
Losers!
Not one minister had managed
to get our land noticed
until the day when...
Jafaraz Wassupbro,
son of our Leader,
had a revolutionizing idea!
Terrorism...
as advertising!
His plan was to attack
the world's most popular monument...
The Eiffel Tower!
- Feruz, watch the goats!
- Why me?
And it was that day,
as Muzafar and I were chatting...
- I should've drowned you at birth!
- Calm down, you old goat.
Old goat?
...saw the start of the adventure
that led us to France.
Greetings.
Little Leader!
Little Leader Wassupbro!
Calm down. Gently!
We were first sent
to a training camp.
And, to get to know our new enemy...
France!
...we started by learning
French!
These are
the 10 most frequently used words.
Repeat.
Hello.
How you?
Basterd!
Bisch.
Arzhole.
Fock.
Bommer.
Shite.
Goobye.
We also studied
all the cultural differences.
France is a land
where men are deprived of the right
to hit women.
In France,
slapping women not allowed.
But what happens if they speak?
You listen.
Not possible!
You can't treat people like that!
To infiltrate the country,
we changed our identity.
Your French passports.
For you...
Jafaraz gave us new names.
I became...
Michel!
And Muzafar became...
Yannick!
For me,
for the mission,
I've chosen to use
typically French name.
Michel Ouellebec.
Don't like Michel.
Michel no good?
Alin Ouellebec.
My name?
Better!
Faster!
Louder!
Faster!
And that's how we became
soldiers in the RTT...
Revolutionary Terrorists
of Taboulistan!
...ready to crash
the plane of revenge
into the Eiffel Tower in Paris!
After 9 months in training,
we were the chosen ones!
I'm proud to award you
the Tabouli medal of bravery.
And now...
you just have to do it for real.
For real?
We do it with remote-control plane...
That mean we die?
I not want die!
I not understand.
You say to us
we heroes of the nation.
Not mutton kebab.
Brothers, with this mission,
you're going to become martyrs!
You go to paradise!
It's wild up there.
Eternal life in pleasure garden...
With welcome gift...
You know, I'm not that keen
on dying...
Shut up.
I not want to die.
What's the welcome gift?
Usually, the basic package
is 70 virgins
with all-you-can-eat buffet.
Pretty interesting...
You think so?
You bet.
You can't be sure they're virgins.
True.
No good in bed,
no good for tabbouleh.
I prefer 70 mature women.
- 70 mature women.
- I can't.
But we die.
Good deal is when we all happy.
All right...
Mature women and a bonus gift.
Electric razor
for travel.
It's electric...
He say
it going to be wild.
All-you-can-eat buffet...
With drinks?
Of course.
Coke, lemonade...
Oaziz?
And after a month traveling
to get to Dushanbe,
Ashgabat,
Kabul
and finally Istanbul,
we ended up on this plane
that was bound
for Paris in France.
Or rather Figari
in Corsica.
If you're not among the first
to disembark,
you wait forever.
Police look to us.
Passports won't work. Turn back.
Calm!
Do like me. Act innocent.
It's not me.
Welcome to Corsica.
What we do now?
We do Plan B.
What's Plan B?
We plane now!
It will be ok.
We go Paris.
Sure. Put your bags in the trunk.
Thank you!
- Where he going?
- Thief!
Crook!
Is it far now?
Very hard.
I not find Corsica on map.
Sun there.
We go there.
Hello, merchant.
What's this?
We look way to Paris.
What am I? A tour guide?
French not very nice.
This isn't France!
This is Corsica!
Don't understand.
For Paris, turn round
and walk north.
When you see dickheads, you're there!
Thank you.
What a way to treat people!
Have a seat.
Just ignore my brother.
Female scum!
Calm.
Something to eat?
Yes, madam merchant.
We very hungry...
Sausage, sheep's cheese, dessert?
No, tabbouleh.
Sorry,
this isn't a Lebanese restaurant.
Tabbouleh not from Lebanon,
from Taboulistan.
Where?
What?
Napoleon! Bonaparte! Attack!
Feruz!
Let go!
What you do?
Not my fault.
No time for that now.
Come!
I'll waste you!
Anyone here?
Village idiot!
You as hardheaded as horny goat!
Why?
What did Alin say?
He say not hit woman.
If not, big problem!
Next time you hear woman speak,
imagine it man,
that it's same. Ok?
Not understand.
Feruz...
For me?
France...
Elegance...
Fashion...
Pockets...
Hello, monsieur, I'd like...
some mustard!
Paris chic...
Good night, Michel.
Good night, Yannick.
Tomorrow... Paris!
Ange, what is this?
You said it was empty!
I don't know.
The neighbor said so.
We waste them?
No, grab them!
Get in!
We can use them.
Read this.
Do it or you'll end up
with your heads on a flag too!
To the camera!
Hello, I'm Franois Pinete.
Hello.
I'm Christian Pinete.
We shall be
freed in return
for the release of...
...our brothers, Jean-Luc Domenico,
Paoli de Cinneci...
Dinini.
Doum!
Stop crying.
They're nothing like the brothers.
The moustaches are fooling you.
Sorry to insist
but they have Alsatian accents.
Let me see.
Nothing like them!
Who the hell are you, guys?
Michel Platini.
Yannick Noah.
I'm not fucking stupid!
Who are you?
- Who?
- Not shoot!
We terrorists too. We hate French.
Usually, we do terror,
not opposite.
Not shoot!
Terrorists!
Shut up.
Shut up!
What's your mission?
Suicide attack on French imperialism!
Suicide bombers?
No!
Suicide bombers!
I told you to keep quiet,
you wimpy goat!
Doum, come here!
- Let's waste them.
- Cut it out.
They're not the owners!
They're refugees.
Maybe from Kosovo or Monaco.
Help them.
We've decided to help you.
For real?
Yes.
Solidarity.
Thank you!
Taboulistan thank you.
Sun there. We go there.
This first time I see the sea.
It's interesting.
Feruz...
Fire!
Sir...
Sir, can you hear me?
Are you ok?
Here, this should help.
Michel...
Wake up, Michel!
Wake up!
Here, take this.
Are we in paradise?
This is hell!
Away, demon!
It's all right.
This not West as Alin described.
This horrible.
We must go back home.
No, we continue mission.
You lose Eiffel Tower!
Sun there, we go there!
What now?
I hurt everywhere.
Is all your fault.
I hungry, I thirsty and I tired!
Move it.
Always move it.
No, I hurt! I stay here!
Fine, you stay here alone.
I carry on.
Taboulistan counting on us.
Sick of taking care of you!
Drive straight, feel sick.
What piss me off more?
You or France?
Stop complain.
You need me.
We two inseparable.
Like goatherd and nanny goat...
Women and moustaches...
Children and hand grenades...
Love and sheep...
France is beautiful!
Yeah...
Refuse collectors on strike!
Get out now.
That way.
Fire!
What this?
It's war! Run!
Feruz!
You really laid into them!
What a gang of losers!
We demolished them!
Women hit men here!
They crazy in this country!
Let's grab a pastis.
The place is full of sex bombs.
Bombs?
Packed with bombs!
We go with them.
We can buy explosive.
Lot of terrorists here...
Tony, how's it going?
They bring us to a prostitutes' bar.
Look at skirt
on edge of bush.
This not good.
No, not good.
Tony, pastis all round.
- Thirsty work.
- Thirsty.
Is there war on in France?
In France?
This isn't France, dipstick!
This is Marseilles!
It's not France?
No, we're different.
We have it all.
Sun, sea... and buddies!
Buddies all around you!
It's hot here.
Grab your weapons!
We're the Marseilles guys!
And we're going to win!
Looking to die?
What's that Paris soccer shirt?
Want a beating, bud?
Fuck the hell off!
Motherfuckers!
Why everyone say "motherfucker"?
What it mean?
It's like "hi" or "hello".
Motherfucker.
- Motherfucker.
- What?
Hey, fuckwad, you dissing us?
No, no dissing.
Go home to mommy, children.
Children? You fuck off home!
We massacre Parisians here!
I want to massacre Parisians too!
Shut your mouth!
Marseilles rules!
Fuck Paris!
Where are we?
We in hospital.
They look after you good.
Medicine champions!
But you sleep three days.
You must eat.
Come on, this good.
It yogurt.
Gentlemen...
I have some good news.
We removed your kidney
with no trouble.
Kidney?
It was his nose...
His nose?
Nose.
- Christelle...
- Doctor?
His file.
- What's "kidney"?
- Nothing.
Shit!
What happened here?
I wasn't on intake.
It's a kidney...
A kidney?
- I was off.
- Off?
Yes, I was off!
You weren't. You say that every time!
Cut it out!
I'm sorry, we made a mistake.
We took a kidney
instead of mending your nose.
You sick!
Calm down, ok!
You can live with one kidney.
I only have one testicle
and I manage fine.
Yes!
My kidney...
Give it back.
Good luck.
Technically,
it's no longer yours.
- It is!
- No.
It's in Paris,
to save an old lady.
Give kidney!
Without documents
or medical insurance,
good luck getting it back!
If it's not done within 72 hours,
your kidney
is better flambed with mushrooms!
You're making fun now!
Filthy charlatan!
You joke, he no kidney!
I'm just trying to help.
If that's your attitude, I'm gone.
My kidney!
Go milk billy goats!
I want my kidney!
And go munch grass
with your two nannies!
My kidney!
I want my kidney!
My kidney.
Hello.
Sorry but I'm shocked
by what I just heard.
I'm Marianne Bouvier.
It's outrageous.
I'm with "In Depth". Heard of it?
Probably not.
I'm reporting on hospitals
and I'd really like to help you.
Not the Mother Teresa act again!
- What?
- Enough.
I'll be right back.
Come on, Feruz, let's go.
Hurry.
We can't miss out on this.
I can't do it, Marianne.
I have a shoot
up in northern France.
With the unemployed.
If we tell their story,
it'll help them.
If you want to spend your time
fighting for the weak, be my guest.
The camera,
the van keys.
See you in Paris.
Sure, go ahead, piss off.
You waste of space!
Where are you going?
Female scum!
Don't worry,
I'm not with Immigration.
I'll get your kidney back.
We not need kidney!
I want my kidney...
You'll get 70 of them in paradise.
I ready to die
but only with all my parts!
No one's going to die.
We'll get it back.
I'll drive you to Paris if I have to.
- Paris?
- Eiffel Tower!
You can take us Paris?
Of course.
My car's right outside. Follow me.
A woman with a car?
The French are crazy.
We follow her. It's easier.
Bad idea coming here.
- Want a ride to Paris?
- Yes.
Then trust me.
You haven't seen
the good side of France yet.
It's a just and humane land,
full of understanding people...
- Hello, ma'am.
- Miss.
Number 44.
I'm listening.
There's been a terrible
medical error.
His kidney was removed by mistake
and he'd like it back
before it's transplanted.
I want my kidney!
SMM.
Serious Medical Malpractice.
You have to file a complaint
with the public prosecutor,
adding the victim's medical file
obtained
from the doctor in question,
and a letter
justifying the complaint,
why you want the kidney back.
After that,
you'll need to launch civil action
and submit your complaint
for compensation...
But...
The compensation office
closes at 4 PM,
in other words in 5 minutes.
Tomorrow is a holiday,
they'll take Friday off,
then the weekend
and a strike on Monday.
Go on Tuesday morning.
Early as they're very busy
and pretty slow.
It should take 4 or 5 years
to settle.
All right.
Goodbye.
No way!
We want a guarantee
he'll get it back!
Or what?
I want my kidney now!
Give me my kidney
or you give your kidney to me,
old nanny goat!
Calm down!
Security!
What?
Give me your kidney too!
Give me break, I did nothing to you.
Calm down!
They're the victims!
It's a scandal,
taking kidneys from people!
They have documents?
- No.
- Undocumented then?
Right, they're off
to the holding center.
The what?
A resort without a pool or turista.
- Only foreigners.
- Please!
My kidney...
Stand up!
You're crazy! He's in pain!
Sure.
We know all these gypsy tricks
with their fake chairs and limbs.
- Where is the center?
- Up north.
In Toulouse.
Don't worry!
I'll get you out, I promise.
I won't let you down!
Right, Mario and Luigi,
we can't verify your identities
so you'll be deported
to your home country.
That's it, it's all over.
My kidney's gone for good!
Screw your kidney!
We've brought shame on our land.
We'll be executed,
we won't go to paradise!
You understand me?
Absolutely. We speak French.
Good, that'll save time.
What country then?
Taboulistan.
Seriously? Does it exist?
I never heard of it.
Between Afghanistan,
Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
Give me an in-stan to type it!
You're not even on Google Maps.
The only result
is a Lebanese restaurant up the road.
We not Lebanese!
There's no extradition treaty
so we'll ship you off fast.
Here we go...
A flight for Baghdad
tomorrow morning.
Baghdad?
But we not Arabs, we Tabouls.
No beard, only moustache.
Same difference.
- Not same!
- 3,000 km away!
A hike will do you good.
You can call your tribe
just over there.
Welcome to Club Med.
Baghdad?
What become us in Baghdad?
Alin? It's Yannick Noah.
Five days without news!
I very angry,
you filthy trashcan hound!
Now I hear what? You still alive?
I even more angrier!
It not our fault.
Plane not go to Paris.
Police arrest us
and send us back.
Shut up!
I swear on my life of mine,
if you come back here
and Eiffel Tower standing,
I unleash hell on an old gentleman
I go to fetch from your village...
Yes, Dada!
Say hi, Dada.
Hi.
Hi, Dada!
I bring him to get air,
he was too pale.
Very kind, Alin.
Take walk, Dada.
Turn right!
If you hesitate,
Dada not always miss bullets.
Get it?
I count on you.
Goodbye, Alain.
Take it, for you.
- What's that?
- Money.
We not go Baghdad.
Put that away.
Who do you think I am?
We have ethics here in France.
Ethics?
What's ethics?
No idea.
Then again...
there may be another way...
All right...
It's Croc-Croc's birthday
and Fragada
brings him his present.
Come here.
You too.
You're good, you devils.
It's party time.
You're having fun.
Start dancing.
Do it or you're off to Baghdad!
Dance!
I can't dance in this!
Come on, Fragada!
Stop talking and dance.
Not like that!
Make it more sensual!
Rub against each other.
- This is good, huh?
- No.
You're so soft...
And you...
You smell of strawberries.
It's disgusting.
No, it's not disgusting,
it's natural.
Good evening.
It's so hot this evening,
don't you think?
Officer...
I'm ok, I have air-con.
Great...
Croc-Croc doesn't like your present.
You went to so much trouble...
So spank him.
This is weird.
You're weird. Do it!
- I don't want spank him.
- Spank!
Come on, we're losing the rhythm!
Spank!
Show naughty Croc-Croc!
- You want spank?
- That's good!
I spank, you want that?
No, it's too confused.
Confused, he said!
But you're the one who...
This what you want? Spank?
This is fantastic.
Carry on, I'll get Tornado.
Stop!
Come on!
Hurry!
Fetch your superior now
so I can explain!
If they're not examined by a doctor
in 10 minutes,
it's a tragedy for them
and the job line for you!
Get it?
Madam, I'll be frank with you,
totally frank...
I don't give a shit.
I really don't give a shit.
Not even one little turd!
See you, weather girl!
Who's going to punish
naughty Croc-Croc and Fragada?
Tornado!
The bastards...
I don't believe it!
Where the hell are they?
You'd rather work all night then!
You can't do this to me!
The hell I can't!
Screw this...
It's Bernard.
Two of them got away.
Let me get changed and I'm on my way.
There!
Great...
Shit!
Marianne Bouvier?
What are you doing there?
Marianne Bouvier! Help us!
Climb out!
No, too fast!
Come on, jump!
It kill us!
Hold on!
Look at that asshole!
- What the fuck?
- Brake!
You're fucking crazy!
You forgot my trash again.
You nearly killed us for that?!
C'mon, I worked the distance out.
If it was up to me,
you'd never drive again.
Thanks to you, the planet's dying!
I do my bit.
I sort my trash. So do yours.
It's recyclable.
Crazy bitch...
We did it!
- We did it?
- Yes!
What's with the outfits?
It's complicated.
Why were you on the gate?
I live nearby. I ran out of sugar.
You live near prison?
No, dummy, I was coming to get you.
I had to get you out.
Thank you.
What called?
Marianne Bouvier!
And now we go Paris!
An unusual escape
from the holding center.
Two Pakistani illegals
managed to get away
dressed as a rabbit
and a centipede.
The communiqu doesn't say
if the officers were drunk.
The two fugitives are believed to be
somewhere near Toulouse.
And now, back to the music.
Good morning.
Time for some music
with Charles Trenet...
Good morning.
Sweet France
Dear land of my childhood
Lulled by tender, carefree days
I've kept you in my heart
My village
Look!
Lts steeple, its peaceful homes
Where children of my age
Shared those happy times
Yes, I love you!
And I give you this poem...
This is it?
We in Paris now? That Notre-Dame?
No, not yet.
We're stopping in St Cirq-Lapopie
in Dordogne.
Marianne, we must go Paris!
Chill, Ninja Turtle!
You're wanted.
So we're avoiding freeways and tolls.
We have to be more discreet, ok?
- We wanted?
- Yes, we wanted.
You'll get noticed,
looking like terrorists
in Care Bear suits!
We not terrorists!
Not terrorists, no!
Why flags everywhere?
It's Bastille Day.
The national holiday
to celebrate the Revolution.
They cut off the king's head.
You cut head off your Great Leader?
Celebrate a cut head every year?
It's a bit weird.
We mainly celebrate
the values born that day.
Liberty, equality and fraternity.
I have right of way!
Learn to drive, bitch!
Come here and say that!
Come on!
Yeah, fuck off!
Go home to mommy, loser!
- Move!
- Sorry...
Asshole!
I think I begin understand...
Here, woman is like man.
I told you.
What?
Pretty village.
Very interesting.
My aunt has a house here.
No one will bother us.
And I'm starving. Aren't you?
Yes, eat!
Look how handsome they are
now they're clean!
Marianne,
you found them
at the Gay Pride parade?
Very classy!
Here's to me!
Mind out.
Truffle omelet,
escargots with parsley, foie gras
and gizzard salad.
Thanks, Nanette!
This will cheer you up
after all your troubles.
- Female scum!
- Enjoy it. Dig in.
Try with cutlery!
Forget it.
It's good.
Without the shell,
they're even better.
Better without shell.
Use cutlery!
Like this!
Listen up, people,
this wine is pure nectar.
God may have created water,
but man made St Emilion.
You're in for a treat.
Stand up, everyone.
To the mailman,
his moped
and the jerks waiting for him!
Cheers!
In the eyes!
Glass in the eyes?
Look into the other person's eyes
or it's bad luck
and you'll go to hell.
No, I go paradise.
In the eyes!
I feel overcome
by powerful feeling of harmony...
As if someone put in glass
concentrated happiness...
More!
Let's get serious now.
Nanette's sausage and bean hotpot!
With cutlery.
Well?
Very good.
- Isn't it?
- Very, very good.
In the eyes!
Is it good?
Very good.
Don't give them any more drink...
Long live grape juice!
France best cooking in world!
Just a second, Moustache Man,
this isn't France.
It's not France yet?
When's France?
This is the Southwest.
Yes, it's different.
Here we have fun, we live...
- We have big hearts.
- And huge balls!
We have Cantal,
Brie and goat's cheese.
Poor Dada.
Thank you.
Best eating in all my life.
Thank you, Marianne, but now
we must go Paris.
Not just yet.
After the feast, we fight the flab.
Fight who?
This game is weird.
Marianne, what we do here?
- We must leave!
- Just a minute.
You can't refuse.
Go eat stones!
Run!
To the left!
He's one of us
He's soiled his shirt
like the rest of us
Muzafar, rugby's new man
Despite his tiny organ
Pin dick!
Marianne!
Marianne, enough!
Stop now!
Enough. I want to go Paris.
One last drink and we'll go.
Do you know Armagnac?
Don't know it.
There's nothing stronger.
Waiter! Three Armagnacs.
Wait. In the eyes!
Again!
It's...
- It's interesting.
- Yes.
- Even so...
- It's not very strong.
No, it's not strong.
That's Bastille Day!
- France...
- Fashion...
You look like a chicken.
I want to eat you.
Look at me.
A photo!
Come dance!
No, I not know how dance this.
I prefer watch you.
Feruz...
I must tell you...
I must tell you something too.
I love you, Muzafar.
I going to give you little kiss!
Don't touch, that's bad!
What you want to say?
Feruz...
I love you too.
We show them what dance is!
It's the Tawa!
That much?
I thought that was the date!
I'll teach you
another great French tradition.
The dine and dash.
What is?
Well...
First you drink...
Then you take your things...
And then... you run!
Marianne!
Hey, you!
That's Bastille Day!
We did it!
We lose him!
Where we go?
What you do?
A midnight dip!
Come on in!
I already do sport today.
Come on!
I not know how swim.
Come on...
It's not deep.
It's interesting.
I have one last French specialty
to show you...
You have?
What is it?
It's called a "mnage trois".
I'm too tired to manage anything.
Three managers work faster.
Many hands make light work.
That's true.
Room service.
Uncle found us a car.
They may be looking for my van.
I'll just say goodbye.
Ok, you lovebirds?
Get moving!
Feruz, wake up.
We must go Paris. Dress!
Good morning.
Not good morning!
We must finish job.
- Can't we stay a while?
- No!
Why not?
It's nice here.
I know.
What you do?
Call now. She not here.
Not with her phone!
Hello?
You wet goat!
Who is it?
I didn't mean you.
It's Yannick.
We soon arrive in Paris.
Why you not in Paris yet?
It very complicated here.
We not even know
if we in France.
But we find very kind woman.
You think you there
to go to dancing party?
Hang up, she come back!
For explosives,
metro La Courneuve
10 sharp tomorrow.
10 sharp, La Courneuve.
You explode Tower at 13 hours.
13 hours the Tower.
Or Dada no longer
miss bullets.
No, not Dada.
I count on you.
- Don't do...
- Repeat please.
Hang up!
Stop!
Ready?
What's wrong?
5 hours with you
is going to be fun.
Let's go.
These will help.
Perfect.
White line!
Shit! The cops!
- You not stop!
- Or we charter Baghdad!
Ok, I know!
Drive!
Turn right!
Do something!
Calm down! Are they there?
Yes! No! I don't know!
Broken.
Uncle won't be pleased...
Lost. We never arrive in Paris.
All because of her!
Stop shouting Marianne.
She try help us.
We should never have trusted woman.
Drop the Middle Ages attitude!
Female scum.
They find us?
They armed? They kill us?
No, they're hunters.
They only shoot birds, not people.
Hello, gentlemen.
We wanted to take a short cut
but we got lost.
Do you know if anyone could help us?
Nothing.
It's nothing.
Ok...
Thank you very much.
Savages!
I didn't understand a word.
I think he called Cazenave
to ask if garage open.
He say garage open and come
in 20 minutes with tow truck.
Are you making progress
on the attack?
Yes, Dad. A minor hitch
but nothing serious.
I hope not.
Stop!
I need to pee.
Come on.
Come here!
Yes, Dad?
Remember your brothers
Maruf and Ouloukbek?
No, Dad. I never knew them.
Exactly.
That's because they disappointed me.
So don't disappoint me too.
Get lost now!
Get lost!
Hermet, pack the bags.
- Your bags?
- Our bags!
We're taking a trip.
You can't count on anyone.
Here you are.
This is it.
Welcome to Paris.
Paris!
We'll go to the hospital
first thing tomorrow.
Don't worry, we'll make it.
Make yourselves at home.
I'm going to...
a short break... because...
It's so...
Stop!
What you do?
Come.
But...
We are the RTT.
You now.
Go on, give me hate!
We claim responsibility...
We claim responsibility
for attack on Eiffel Tower
on July 16th at 13 hours!
What you do?
What you do? Come back!
What is it, Feruz?
I not really understand
what we do here.
Yesterday, I have incredible day.
It's true.
I not want paradise up there now.
I want to live down here.
And live in shame?
For betraying your country,
your village
and your family?
We have no choice.
We must finish mission.
What mission? His plan sucks.
Plan A, Plan B...
Exploding people
by exploding yourself.
That's shame.
All for a leader we put up with
for 36 years now!
I want no more leader!
Cut off his head!
I want
to eat snails,
drink grapes.
I not want explode myself.
I want to have blast!
You let Marianne influence you.
Remember what they did.
You like losing kidney?
No.
And Fragada...
Was that blast?
No way.
So?
I feel more alive here
in one day than in rest of my life.
Coward!
I finish mission alone.
Martyr...
Shame on you, Feruz.
Shame on you.
Muzafar...
Yannick?
Kevin. Move your ass!
Climb on.
Don't take forever.
You don't look like a Yannick.
I am. Yannick Noah.
I'll see how it's going.
Sit here.
I'll come and fetch you.
Ok.
Here you go.
What do you fancy?
Kevin! Set the table!
Just a sec, Mom, I'm working!
Hungry? You like veal olives?
I don't know.
If you're hungry or you like that?
I don't know.
What d'you need?
Explosives.
Man, you're making my day!
You lucky fucker,
I'm doing an offer on Semtex.
The terrorist explosive.
10 of these
will down the Eiffel Tower.
I want 10!
10? Treating yourself?
No problem.
You won't regret it.
This stuff sells like hot cakes.
It's wild.
Need it gift-wrapped?
No, it's for me.
Ready-to-wear?
Respect, man.
Martyr.
Take a look at this...
The suicide bomber vest.
Fully adjustable.
Fucking awesome on you!
I like you
so I'll throw in for free
the cell to start the show.
Very kind.
That way you'll come back.
Stop feeling yourselves and come eat!
I'm not feeling myself!
Check this out.
Let me show you this before you go.
What is it?
This is Chouki.
I'll show you.
We've been looking for you.
Why did you leave the hospital?
I don't know.
We have your kidney.
We can operate now.
For real?
Thank you, madam.
You are good person.
A thousand thanks.
Health and prosperity.
She found my kidney!
I put his bomb belt on him.
Get it nice and tight
or it won't work.
Just a minute, Mom!
What a drag...
You explode squirrel?
Yeah, I have plenty more.
I'm sure he'll come back.
There's something you don't know...
And I can't tell you.
It's ok, I realized.
You're a couple.
You're gay, right?
It's obvious.
You weren't comfortable last night.
You have to find him
and tell him he's screwing up.
What matters is
living here with you.
That's why you came to France.
To be free.
You're so right.
But the truth is...
You see...
Let's go, Mr. Ayayaz.
When you're ready,
you press "call".
And he's off to hamster heaven.
Ready?
One...
Two...
Hold on, using the wrong phone
would be a bummer.
Is this the one I gave you earlier?
I think it's the other.
No, this one...
One...
Two. No, this one.
This is the one. It's this one.
One... two... three...
Hamster hash!
What a blast!
I'll drive you back.
This 'hood can be dangerous.
Come on then.
Relax. It's going to be ok.
Excuse me, sir...
- Is that my kidney?
- Yes, it is.
Don't worry, it'll all go well.
No time for operation today.
I have important thing to do.
I come back later.
Thank you. Goodbye.
What are you doing?
He's out of his mind!
Go after him! He can't leave
with his kidney!
Come on!
What's going on?
I go find Muzafar.
Operation later.
Are you crazy?
Don't worry, I have kidney!
- No!
- Yes!
- You can't do this!
- I hold onto it now.
Come on!
- Move, I'm trying to work!
- Give me a break!
- It's green for me!
- Shut your mouth!
Drive! Hurry!
- Where to?
- Eiffel Tower.
That won't be possible.
Traffic's heavy there
and you're my last fare.
I can leave you
at Porte de Bagnolet...
Why things so complicated in France?
He's crazy. This isn't Fr...
I know, this isn't France.
Exactly, it's Paris.
The world's most beautiful city.
A good job France has Paris
to give all the county bumpkins
dreams.
Porte de Bagnolet is miles away.
It's where I'm heading.
You're a cab, you go where we say!
Dumb bitch!
Ok, we have no choice.
What this?
Daddy!
Hi daddy!
What's wrong?
Don't worry, we'll find him.
Come!
Thank God!
I couldn't, Feruz...
I couldn't.
It doesn't matter.
I can't kill children.
I won't kill grown-ups either.
I won't be happy in paradise
if I kill people.
So I throw bomb
in big river over there.
Shame on us, Feruz.
Jafaraz will cut off our heads
with rusty knife
on village square!
What if...
we didn't go back?
What if we stayed here?
But Dada...
What about Dada?
Jafaraz said
he unleash hell on him.
He's old.
Yes, he's old.
He's very old.
Hey, you lovebirds...
Get a hotel room.
The hospital now?
Look...
I found my kidney!
- Come on.
- Let's go.
Wait...
Can we look at tower first?
We'll come back. It's not going away.
You never know.
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Why it called Eiffel Tower?
The architect's name
was Gustave Eiffel.
He made some crazy stuff!
Look at those two!
He look like...
Little Leader Wassupbro!
- What they do?
- You!
Look at bag!
- They bring bomb!
- What's going on?
Traitors!
- Terrorists!
- Call police. They have bomb!
They have bomb!
Go on, Muzafar!
Like in rugby!
Long live Taboulistan!
- Damn...
- What do now?
I one kidney short.
Best I take risk.
No, my fault we here!
Stop arguing. Today,
I take care of us.
Run, Feruz!
Out of way!
Go away!
Run!
What he do?
Shit...
There you go.
That's how my adventure in France
came to an end.
Poor little Feruz.
A terrorist attack narrowly avoided
at the Eiffel Tower.
Luckily, everyone spoke
about my heroic deed.
Even Guillaume Auda.
Marianne was very professional
in her first live report
despite her emotion.
Thanks to the sacrifice
of two undocumented immigrants,
France still has her greatest symbol.
Feruz Ayayaz, a goatherd
aged 35 from Taboulistan,
a cheerful man
fond of dancing and goats...
The news even reached them at home.
But just where is Taboulistan?
It's a small land in Central Asia
between Afghanistan,
Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
Our genius was finally recognized
by the whole world.
...proud of inventing
tabbouleh over 1,000 years ago.
And so Taboulistan became
the 194th member of the UN.
The Great Leader was delighted.
And for the last time
because the next day,
with the Revolution,
they cut off his head!
Kachetebrul found fortune at last
by becoming the country's
top tourist destination!
Dada was very happy.
400 euros. My son!
Jafaraz tried
to flee the country but...
he had a slight mishap
on his way to Switzerland.
But France was the country
that paid me the greatest tribute.
I even had the honor
of being received
at the home of the great leader
of all the French.
Who is in fact a woman.
The French really are crazy!
That hurts.
Muzafar gave a speech
and said lots of beautiful things.
Why did you do it?
Goddam desert dune dickwad!
You will stay
forever in my heart.
If ever I have children,
I'll call them all Feruz.
Even the girls!
In Taboulistan, when someone die,
people have party.
So, for Feruz,
traditional dance,
the Tawa!
As for me, my friends,
don't worry, everything's fine.
Since I saved hundreds of lives
I was sent straight
to paradise!
Where I haven't seen
a single virgin or a mature woman.
Nor any terrorists either.
However, the all-you-can-eat buffet
is awesome!
Lemonade, Coke, Oaziz...
It's interesting.
What?
We said not hit woman!
I not feel good.
Calm.
Do like me.
Think other things.
Watch film.
What is it?
A film about a plane.
It's interesting.
Very interesting.
- Your meal, sir.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
just entered French airspace.
It's time.
Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately
an air traffic controllers' strike
has shut down the Paris airports.
We have to land in Figari
in Corsica.
What the hell?
- What now?
- Move!
- Go!
- You're sure?
Why not Tripoli while you're at it?
We head back to France
and the bullshit starts!
The meal was foul too!
Shame on you!
- My fork!
- What?
I lose my fork.
I go alone.
Why not land in Nice?
Nice is closed for a summit.
It has to be Corsica.
We're starting our descent.
Yes, sir?
I need the toilet.
Too late.
Thank you for the cutlery.
All of you, sit down now!
Fasten your seatbelts
and clam up!
You can't treat us like this!
When the world was created,
God decided to invent
the most beautiful country of all
and put all
of the world's wonders in it.
He called that country...
France.
But so that other countries
wouldn't feel deprived,
God decided to fill it with
the French.
But first let me explain
how we got here.
It all began in Taboulistan,
a tiny Central Asian country
stuck between Afghanistan,
Kirghizstan
and Tajikistan.
And it all began exactly
in a small village called
Kachtebrul.
This is me. Feruz.
And that's Muzafar.
We're half-brothers.
Muzafar is the son
our dad had with his cousin.
The lady with the moustache.
Every morning
with our women, we do
the famous traditional dance
of Taboulistan,
the Tawa!
The dance of joy!
Our land is called Taboulistan
because our greatest pride
is to have invented 1,000 years ago
the original recipe
for tabbouleh!
A skillful blend of grain,
parsley
and tomatoes.
In spite of what people think,
the Lebanese didn't invent it.
Those dogs just stole the recipe!
And, since then,
the world has forgotten we exist.
The UN has never recognized us.
And that bothers
our Great Leader, Hadadad
Wassupbro...
Idiots!
...democratically elected
for 36 years.
Losers!
Not one minister had managed
to get our land noticed
until the day when...
Jafaraz Wassupbro,
son of our Leader,
had a revolutionizing idea!
Terrorism...
as advertising!
His plan was to attack
the world's most popular monument...
The Eiffel Tower!
- Feruz, watch the goats!
- Why me?
And it was that day,
as Muzafar and I were chatting...
- I should've drowned you at birth!
- Calm down, you old goat.
Old goat?
...saw the start of the adventure
that led us to France.
Greetings.
Little Leader!
Little Leader Wassupbro!
Calm down. Gently!
We were first sent
to a training camp.
And, to get to know our new enemy...
France!
...we started by learning
French!
These are
the 10 most frequently used words.
Repeat.
Hello.
How you?
Basterd!
Bisch.
Arzhole.
Fock.
Bommer.
Shite.
Goobye.
We also studied
all the cultural differences.
France is a land
where men are deprived of the right
to hit women.
In France,
slapping women not allowed.
But what happens if they speak?
You listen.
Not possible!
You can't treat people like that!
To infiltrate the country,
we changed our identity.
Your French passports.
For you...
Jafaraz gave us new names.
I became...
Michel!
And Muzafar became...
Yannick!
For me,
for the mission,
I've chosen to use
typically French name.
Michel Ouellebec.
Don't like Michel.
Michel no good?
Alin Ouellebec.
My name?
Better!
Faster!
Louder!
Faster!
And that's how we became
soldiers in the RTT...
Revolutionary Terrorists
of Taboulistan!
...ready to crash
the plane of revenge
into the Eiffel Tower in Paris!
After 9 months in training,
we were the chosen ones!
I'm proud to award you
the Tabouli medal of bravery.
And now...
you just have to do it for real.
For real?
We do it with remote-control plane...
That mean we die?
I not want die!
I not understand.
You say to us
we heroes of the nation.
Not mutton kebab.
Brothers, with this mission,
you're going to become martyrs!
You go to paradise!
It's wild up there.
Eternal life in pleasure garden...
With welcome gift...
You know, I'm not that keen
on dying...
Shut up.
I not want to die.
What's the welcome gift?
Usually, the basic package
is 70 virgins
with all-you-can-eat buffet.
Pretty interesting...
You think so?
You bet.
You can't be sure they're virgins.
True.
No good in bed,
no good for tabbouleh.
I prefer 70 mature women.
- 70 mature women.
- I can't.
But we die.
Good deal is when we all happy.
All right...
Mature women and a bonus gift.
Electric razor
for travel.
It's electric...
He say
it going to be wild.
All-you-can-eat buffet...
With drinks?
Of course.
Coke, lemonade...
Oaziz?
And after a month traveling
to get to Dushanbe,
Ashgabat,
Kabul
and finally Istanbul,
we ended up on this plane
that was bound
for Paris in France.
Or rather Figari
in Corsica.
If you're not among the first
to disembark,
you wait forever.
Police look to us.
Passports won't work. Turn back.
Calm!
Do like me. Act innocent.
It's not me.
Welcome to Corsica.
What we do now?
We do Plan B.
What's Plan B?
We plane now!
It will be ok.
We go Paris.
Sure. Put your bags in the trunk.
Thank you!
- Where he going?
- Thief!
Crook!
Is it far now?
Very hard.
I not find Corsica on map.
Sun there.
We go there.
Hello, merchant.
What's this?
We look way to Paris.
What am I? A tour guide?
French not very nice.
This isn't France!
This is Corsica!
Don't understand.
For Paris, turn round
and walk north.
When you see dickheads, you're there!
Thank you.
What a way to treat people!
Have a seat.
Just ignore my brother.
Female scum!
Calm.
Something to eat?
Yes, madam merchant.
We very hungry...
Sausage, sheep's cheese, dessert?
No, tabbouleh.
Sorry,
this isn't a Lebanese restaurant.
Tabbouleh not from Lebanon,
from Taboulistan.
Where?
What?
Napoleon! Bonaparte! Attack!
Feruz!
Let go!
What you do?
Not my fault.
No time for that now.
Come!
I'll waste you!
Anyone here?
Village idiot!
You as hardheaded as horny goat!
Why?
What did Alin say?
He say not hit woman.
If not, big problem!
Next time you hear woman speak,
imagine it man,
that it's same. Ok?
Not understand.
Feruz...
For me?
France...
Elegance...
Fashion...
Pockets...
Hello, monsieur, I'd like...
some mustard!
Paris chic...
Good night, Michel.
Good night, Yannick.
Tomorrow... Paris!
Ange, what is this?
You said it was empty!
I don't know.
The neighbor said so.
We waste them?
No, grab them!
Get in!
We can use them.
Read this.
Do it or you'll end up
with your heads on a flag too!
To the camera!
Hello, I'm Franois Pinete.
Hello.
I'm Christian Pinete.
We shall be
freed in return
for the release of...
...our brothers, Jean-Luc Domenico,
Paoli de Cinneci...
Dinini.
Doum!
Stop crying.
They're nothing like the brothers.
The moustaches are fooling you.
Sorry to insist
but they have Alsatian accents.
Let me see.
Nothing like them!
Who the hell are you, guys?
Michel Platini.
Yannick Noah.
I'm not fucking stupid!
Who are you?
- Who?
- Not shoot!
We terrorists too. We hate French.
Usually, we do terror,
not opposite.
Not shoot!
Terrorists!
Shut up.
Shut up!
What's your mission?
Suicide attack on French imperialism!
Suicide bombers?
No!
Suicide bombers!
I told you to keep quiet,
you wimpy goat!
Doum, come here!
- Let's waste them.
- Cut it out.
They're not the owners!
They're refugees.
Maybe from Kosovo or Monaco.
Help them.
We've decided to help you.
For real?
Yes.
Solidarity.
Thank you!
Taboulistan thank you.
Sun there. We go there.
This first time I see the sea.
It's interesting.
Feruz...
Fire!
Sir...
Sir, can you hear me?
Are you ok?
Here, this should help.
Michel...
Wake up, Michel!
Wake up!
Here, take this.
Are we in paradise?
This is hell!
Away, demon!
It's all right.
This not West as Alin described.
This horrible.
We must go back home.
No, we continue mission.
You lose Eiffel Tower!
Sun there, we go there!
What now?
I hurt everywhere.
Is all your fault.
I hungry, I thirsty and I tired!
Move it.
Always move it.
No, I hurt! I stay here!
Fine, you stay here alone.
I carry on.
Taboulistan counting on us.
Sick of taking care of you!
Drive straight, feel sick.
What piss me off more?
You or France?
Stop complain.
You need me.
We two inseparable.
Like goatherd and nanny goat...
Women and moustaches...
Children and hand grenades...
Love and sheep...
France is beautiful!
Yeah...
Refuse collectors on strike!
Get out now.
That way.
Fire!
What this?
It's war! Run!
Feruz!
You really laid into them!
What a gang of losers!
We demolished them!
Women hit men here!
They crazy in this country!
Let's grab a pastis.
The place is full of sex bombs.
Bombs?
Packed with bombs!
We go with them.
We can buy explosive.
Lot of terrorists here...
Tony, how's it going?
They bring us to a prostitutes' bar.
Look at skirt
on edge of bush.
This not good.
No, not good.
Tony, pastis all round.
- Thirsty work.
- Thirsty.
Is there war on in France?
In France?
This isn't France, dipstick!
This is Marseilles!
It's not France?
No, we're different.
We have it all.
Sun, sea... and buddies!
Buddies all around you!
It's hot here.
Grab your weapons!
We're the Marseilles guys!
And we're going to win!
Looking to die?
What's that Paris soccer shirt?
Want a beating, bud?
Fuck the hell off!
Motherfuckers!
Why everyone say "motherfucker"?
What it mean?
It's like "hi" or "hello".
Motherfucker.
- Motherfucker.
- What?
Hey, fuckwad, you dissing us?
No, no dissing.
Go home to mommy, children.
Children? You fuck off home!
We massacre Parisians here!
I want to massacre Parisians too!
Shut your mouth!
Marseilles rules!
Fuck Paris!
Where are we?
We in hospital.
They look after you good.
Medicine champions!
But you sleep three days.
You must eat.
Come on, this good.
It yogurt.
Gentlemen...
I have some good news.
We removed your kidney
with no trouble.
Kidney?
It was his nose...
His nose?
Nose.
- Christelle...
- Doctor?
His file.
- What's "kidney"?
- Nothing.
Shit!
What happened here?
I wasn't on intake.
It's a kidney...
A kidney?
- I was off.
- Off?
Yes, I was off!
You weren't. You say that every time!
Cut it out!
I'm sorry, we made a mistake.
We took a kidney
instead of mending your nose.
You sick!
Calm down, ok!
You can live with one kidney.
I only have one testicle
and I manage fine.
Yes!
My kidney...
Give it back.
Good luck.
Technically,
it's no longer yours.
- It is!
- No.
It's in Paris,
to save an old lady.
Give kidney!
Without documents
or medical insurance,
good luck getting it back!
If it's not done within 72 hours,
your kidney
is better flambed with mushrooms!
You're making fun now!
Filthy charlatan!
You joke, he no kidney!
I'm just trying to help.
If that's your attitude, I'm gone.
My kidney!
Go milk billy goats!
I want my kidney!
And go munch grass
with your two nannies!
My kidney!
I want my kidney!
My kidney.
Hello.
Sorry but I'm shocked
by what I just heard.
I'm Marianne Bouvier.
It's outrageous.
I'm with "In Depth". Heard of it?
Probably not.
I'm reporting on hospitals
and I'd really like to help you.
Not the Mother Teresa act again!
- What?
- Enough.
I'll be right back.
Come on, Feruz, let's go.
Hurry.
We can't miss out on this.
I can't do it, Marianne.
I have a shoot
up in northern France.
With the unemployed.
If we tell their story,
it'll help them.
If you want to spend your time
fighting for the weak, be my guest.
The camera,
the van keys.
See you in Paris.
Sure, go ahead, piss off.
You waste of space!
Where are you going?
Female scum!
Don't worry,
I'm not with Immigration.
I'll get your kidney back.
We not need kidney!
I want my kidney...
You'll get 70 of them in paradise.
I ready to die
but only with all my parts!
No one's going to die.
We'll get it back.
I'll drive you to Paris if I have to.
- Paris?
- Eiffel Tower!
You can take us Paris?
Of course.
My car's right outside. Follow me.
A woman with a car?
The French are crazy.
We follow her. It's easier.
Bad idea coming here.
- Want a ride to Paris?
- Yes.
Then trust me.
You haven't seen
the good side of France yet.
It's a just and humane land,
full of understanding people...
- Hello, ma'am.
- Miss.
Number 44.
I'm listening.
There's been a terrible
medical error.
His kidney was removed by mistake
and he'd like it back
before it's transplanted.
I want my kidney!
SMM.
Serious Medical Malpractice.
You have to file a complaint
with the public prosecutor,
adding the victim's medical file
obtained
from the doctor in question,
and a letter
justifying the complaint,
why you want the kidney back.
After that,
you'll need to launch civil action
and submit your complaint
for compensation...
But...
The compensation office
closes at 4 PM,
in other words in 5 minutes.
Tomorrow is a holiday,
they'll take Friday off,
then the weekend
and a strike on Monday.
Go on Tuesday morning.
Early as they're very busy
and pretty slow.
It should take 4 or 5 years
to settle.
All right.
Goodbye.
No way!
We want a guarantee
he'll get it back!
Or what?
I want my kidney now!
Give me my kidney
or you give your kidney to me,
old nanny goat!
Calm down!
Security!
What?
Give me your kidney too!
Give me break, I did nothing to you.
Calm down!
They're the victims!
It's a scandal,
taking kidneys from people!
They have documents?
- No.
- Undocumented then?
Right, they're off
to the holding center.
The what?
A resort without a pool or turista.
- Only foreigners.
- Please!
My kidney...
Stand up!
You're crazy! He's in pain!
Sure.
We know all these gypsy tricks
with their fake chairs and limbs.
- Where is the center?
- Up north.
In Toulouse.
Don't worry!
I'll get you out, I promise.
I won't let you down!
Right, Mario and Luigi,
we can't verify your identities
so you'll be deported
to your home country.
That's it, it's all over.
My kidney's gone for good!
Screw your kidney!
We've brought shame on our land.
We'll be executed,
we won't go to paradise!
You understand me?
Absolutely. We speak French.
Good, that'll save time.
What country then?
Taboulistan.
Seriously? Does it exist?
I never heard of it.
Between Afghanistan,
Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
Give me an in-stan to type it!
You're not even on Google Maps.
The only result
is a Lebanese restaurant up the road.
We not Lebanese!
There's no extradition treaty
so we'll ship you off fast.
Here we go...
A flight for Baghdad
tomorrow morning.
Baghdad?
But we not Arabs, we Tabouls.
No beard, only moustache.
Same difference.
- Not same!
- 3,000 km away!
A hike will do you good.
You can call your tribe
just over there.
Welcome to Club Med.
Baghdad?
What become us in Baghdad?
Alin? It's Yannick Noah.
Five days without news!
I very angry,
you filthy trashcan hound!
Now I hear what? You still alive?
I even more angrier!
It not our fault.
Plane not go to Paris.
Police arrest us
and send us back.
Shut up!
I swear on my life of mine,
if you come back here
and Eiffel Tower standing,
I unleash hell on an old gentleman
I go to fetch from your village...
Yes, Dada!
Say hi, Dada.
Hi.
Hi, Dada!
I bring him to get air,
he was too pale.
Very kind, Alin.
Take walk, Dada.
Turn right!
If you hesitate,
Dada not always miss bullets.
Get it?
I count on you.
Goodbye, Alain.
Take it, for you.
- What's that?
- Money.
We not go Baghdad.
Put that away.
Who do you think I am?
We have ethics here in France.
Ethics?
What's ethics?
No idea.
Then again...
there may be another way...
All right...
It's Croc-Croc's birthday
and Fragada
brings him his present.
Come here.
You too.
You're good, you devils.
It's party time.
You're having fun.
Start dancing.
Do it or you're off to Baghdad!
Dance!
I can't dance in this!
Come on, Fragada!
Stop talking and dance.
Not like that!
Make it more sensual!
Rub against each other.
- This is good, huh?
- No.
You're so soft...
And you...
You smell of strawberries.
It's disgusting.
No, it's not disgusting,
it's natural.
Good evening.
It's so hot this evening,
don't you think?
Officer...
I'm ok, I have air-con.
Great...
Croc-Croc doesn't like your present.
You went to so much trouble...
So spank him.
This is weird.
You're weird. Do it!
- I don't want spank him.
- Spank!
Come on, we're losing the rhythm!
Spank!
Show naughty Croc-Croc!
- You want spank?
- That's good!
I spank, you want that?
No, it's too confused.
Confused, he said!
But you're the one who...
This what you want? Spank?
This is fantastic.
Carry on, I'll get Tornado.
Stop!
Come on!
Hurry!
Fetch your superior now
so I can explain!
If they're not examined by a doctor
in 10 minutes,
it's a tragedy for them
and the job line for you!
Get it?
Madam, I'll be frank with you,
totally frank...
I don't give a shit.
I really don't give a shit.
Not even one little turd!
See you, weather girl!
Who's going to punish
naughty Croc-Croc and Fragada?
Tornado!
The bastards...
I don't believe it!
Where the hell are they?
You'd rather work all night then!
You can't do this to me!
The hell I can't!
Screw this...
It's Bernard.
Two of them got away.
Let me get changed and I'm on my way.
There!
Great...
Shit!
Marianne Bouvier?
What are you doing there?
Marianne Bouvier! Help us!
Climb out!
No, too fast!
Come on, jump!
It kill us!
Hold on!
Look at that asshole!
- What the fuck?
- Brake!
You're fucking crazy!
You forgot my trash again.
You nearly killed us for that?!
C'mon, I worked the distance out.
If it was up to me,
you'd never drive again.
Thanks to you, the planet's dying!
I do my bit.
I sort my trash. So do yours.
It's recyclable.
Crazy bitch...
We did it!
- We did it?
- Yes!
What's with the outfits?
It's complicated.
Why were you on the gate?
I live nearby. I ran out of sugar.
You live near prison?
No, dummy, I was coming to get you.
I had to get you out.
Thank you.
What called?
Marianne Bouvier!
And now we go Paris!
An unusual escape
from the holding center.
Two Pakistani illegals
managed to get away
dressed as a rabbit
and a centipede.
The communiqu doesn't say
if the officers were drunk.
The two fugitives are believed to be
somewhere near Toulouse.
And now, back to the music.
Good morning.
Time for some music
with Charles Trenet...
Good morning.
Sweet France
Dear land of my childhood
Lulled by tender, carefree days
I've kept you in my heart
My village
Look!
Lts steeple, its peaceful homes
Where children of my age
Shared those happy times
Yes, I love you!
And I give you this poem...
This is it?
We in Paris now? That Notre-Dame?
No, not yet.
We're stopping in St Cirq-Lapopie
in Dordogne.
Marianne, we must go Paris!
Chill, Ninja Turtle!
You're wanted.
So we're avoiding freeways and tolls.
We have to be more discreet, ok?
- We wanted?
- Yes, we wanted.
You'll get noticed,
looking like terrorists
in Care Bear suits!
We not terrorists!
Not terrorists, no!
Why flags everywhere?
It's Bastille Day.
The national holiday
to celebrate the Revolution.
They cut off the king's head.
You cut head off your Great Leader?
Celebrate a cut head every year?
It's a bit weird.
We mainly celebrate
the values born that day.
Liberty, equality and fraternity.
I have right of way!
Learn to drive, bitch!
Come here and say that!
Come on!
Yeah, fuck off!
Go home to mommy, loser!
- Move!
- Sorry...
Asshole!
I think I begin understand...
Here, woman is like man.
I told you.
What?
Pretty village.
Very interesting.
My aunt has a house here.
No one will bother us.
And I'm starving. Aren't you?
Yes, eat!
Look how handsome they are
now they're clean!
Marianne,
you found them
at the Gay Pride parade?
Very classy!
Here's to me!
Mind out.
Truffle omelet,
escargots with parsley, foie gras
and gizzard salad.
Thanks, Nanette!
This will cheer you up
after all your troubles.
- Female scum!
- Enjoy it. Dig in.
Try with cutlery!
Forget it.
It's good.
Without the shell,
they're even better.
Better without shell.
Use cutlery!
Like this!
Listen up, people,
this wine is pure nectar.
God may have created water,
but man made St Emilion.
You're in for a treat.
Stand up, everyone.
To the mailman,
his moped
and the jerks waiting for him!
Cheers!
In the eyes!
Glass in the eyes?
Look into the other person's eyes
or it's bad luck
and you'll go to hell.
No, I go paradise.
In the eyes!
I feel overcome
by powerful feeling of harmony...
As if someone put in glass
concentrated happiness...
More!
Let's get serious now.
Nanette's sausage and bean hotpot!
With cutlery.
Well?
Very good.
- Isn't it?
- Very, very good.
In the eyes!
Is it good?
Very good.
Don't give them any more drink...
Long live grape juice!
France best cooking in world!
Just a second, Moustache Man,
this isn't France.
It's not France yet?
When's France?
This is the Southwest.
Yes, it's different.
Here we have fun, we live...
- We have big hearts.
- And huge balls!
We have Cantal,
Brie and goat's cheese.
Poor Dada.
Thank you.
Best eating in all my life.
Thank you, Marianne, but now
we must go Paris.
Not just yet.
After the feast, we fight the flab.
Fight who?
This game is weird.
Marianne, what we do here?
- We must leave!
- Just a minute.
You can't refuse.
Go eat stones!
Run!
To the left!
He's one of us
He's soiled his shirt
like the rest of us
Muzafar, rugby's new man
Despite his tiny organ
Pin dick!
Marianne!
Marianne, enough!
Stop now!
Enough. I want to go Paris.
One last drink and we'll go.
Do you know Armagnac?
Don't know it.
There's nothing stronger.
Waiter! Three Armagnacs.
Wait. In the eyes!
Again!
It's...
- It's interesting.
- Yes.
- Even so...
- It's not very strong.
No, it's not strong.
That's Bastille Day!
- France...
- Fashion...
You look like a chicken.
I want to eat you.
Look at me.
A photo!
Come dance!
No, I not know how dance this.
I prefer watch you.
Feruz...
I must tell you...
I must tell you something too.
I love you, Muzafar.
I going to give you little kiss!
Don't touch, that's bad!
What you want to say?
Feruz...
I love you too.
We show them what dance is!
It's the Tawa!
That much?
I thought that was the date!
I'll teach you
another great French tradition.
The dine and dash.
What is?
Well...
First you drink...
Then you take your things...
And then... you run!
Marianne!
Hey, you!
That's Bastille Day!
We did it!
We lose him!
Where we go?
What you do?
A midnight dip!
Come on in!
I already do sport today.
Come on!
I not know how swim.
Come on...
It's not deep.
It's interesting.
I have one last French specialty
to show you...
You have?
What is it?
It's called a "mnage trois".
I'm too tired to manage anything.
Three managers work faster.
Many hands make light work.
That's true.
Room service.
Uncle found us a car.
They may be looking for my van.
I'll just say goodbye.
Ok, you lovebirds?
Get moving!
Feruz, wake up.
We must go Paris. Dress!
Good morning.
Not good morning!
We must finish job.
- Can't we stay a while?
- No!
Why not?
It's nice here.
I know.
What you do?
Call now. She not here.
Not with her phone!
Hello?
You wet goat!
Who is it?
I didn't mean you.
It's Yannick.
We soon arrive in Paris.
Why you not in Paris yet?
It very complicated here.
We not even know
if we in France.
But we find very kind woman.
You think you there
to go to dancing party?
Hang up, she come back!
For explosives,
metro La Courneuve
10 sharp tomorrow.
10 sharp, La Courneuve.
You explode Tower at 13 hours.
13 hours the Tower.
Or Dada no longer
miss bullets.
No, not Dada.
I count on you.
- Don't do...
- Repeat please.
Hang up!
Stop!
Ready?
What's wrong?
5 hours with you
is going to be fun.
Let's go.
These will help.
Perfect.
White line!
Shit! The cops!
- You not stop!
- Or we charter Baghdad!
Ok, I know!
Drive!
Turn right!
Do something!
Calm down! Are they there?
Yes! No! I don't know!
Broken.
Uncle won't be pleased...
Lost. We never arrive in Paris.
All because of her!
Stop shouting Marianne.
She try help us.
We should never have trusted woman.
Drop the Middle Ages attitude!
Female scum.
They find us?
They armed? They kill us?
No, they're hunters.
They only shoot birds, not people.
Hello, gentlemen.
We wanted to take a short cut
but we got lost.
Do you know if anyone could help us?
Nothing.
It's nothing.
Ok...
Thank you very much.
Savages!
I didn't understand a word.
I think he called Cazenave
to ask if garage open.
He say garage open and come
in 20 minutes with tow truck.
Are you making progress
on the attack?
Yes, Dad. A minor hitch
but nothing serious.
I hope not.
Stop!
I need to pee.
Come on.
Come here!
Yes, Dad?
Remember your brothers
Maruf and Ouloukbek?
No, Dad. I never knew them.
Exactly.
That's because they disappointed me.
So don't disappoint me too.
Get lost now!
Get lost!
Hermet, pack the bags.
- Your bags?
- Our bags!
We're taking a trip.
You can't count on anyone.
Here you are.
This is it.
Welcome to Paris.
Paris!
We'll go to the hospital
first thing tomorrow.
Don't worry, we'll make it.
Make yourselves at home.
I'm going to...
a short break... because...
It's so...
Stop!
What you do?
Come.
But...
We are the RTT.
You now.
Go on, give me hate!
We claim responsibility...
We claim responsibility
for attack on Eiffel Tower
on July 16th at 13 hours!
What you do?
What you do? Come back!
What is it, Feruz?
I not really understand
what we do here.
Yesterday, I have incredible day.
It's true.
I not want paradise up there now.
I want to live down here.
And live in shame?
For betraying your country,
your village
and your family?
We have no choice.
We must finish mission.
What mission? His plan sucks.
Plan A, Plan B...
Exploding people
by exploding yourself.
That's shame.
All for a leader we put up with
for 36 years now!
I want no more leader!
Cut off his head!
I want
to eat snails,
drink grapes.
I not want explode myself.
I want to have blast!
You let Marianne influence you.
Remember what they did.
You like losing kidney?
No.
And Fragada...
Was that blast?
No way.
So?
I feel more alive here
in one day than in rest of my life.
Coward!
I finish mission alone.
Martyr...
Shame on you, Feruz.
Shame on you.
Muzafar...
Yannick?
Kevin. Move your ass!
Climb on.
Don't take forever.
You don't look like a Yannick.
I am. Yannick Noah.
I'll see how it's going.
Sit here.
I'll come and fetch you.
Ok.
Here you go.
What do you fancy?
Kevin! Set the table!
Just a sec, Mom, I'm working!
Hungry? You like veal olives?
I don't know.
If you're hungry or you like that?
I don't know.
What d'you need?
Explosives.
Man, you're making my day!
You lucky fucker,
I'm doing an offer on Semtex.
The terrorist explosive.
10 of these
will down the Eiffel Tower.
I want 10!
10? Treating yourself?
No problem.
You won't regret it.
This stuff sells like hot cakes.
It's wild.
Need it gift-wrapped?
No, it's for me.
Ready-to-wear?
Respect, man.
Martyr.
Take a look at this...
The suicide bomber vest.
Fully adjustable.
Fucking awesome on you!
I like you
so I'll throw in for free
the cell to start the show.
Very kind.
That way you'll come back.
Stop feeling yourselves and come eat!
I'm not feeling myself!
Check this out.
Let me show you this before you go.
What is it?
This is Chouki.
I'll show you.
We've been looking for you.
Why did you leave the hospital?
I don't know.
We have your kidney.
We can operate now.
For real?
Thank you, madam.
You are good person.
A thousand thanks.
Health and prosperity.
She found my kidney!
I put his bomb belt on him.
Get it nice and tight
or it won't work.
Just a minute, Mom!
What a drag...
You explode squirrel?
Yeah, I have plenty more.
I'm sure he'll come back.
There's something you don't know...
And I can't tell you.
It's ok, I realized.
You're a couple.
You're gay, right?
It's obvious.
You weren't comfortable last night.
You have to find him
and tell him he's screwing up.
What matters is
living here with you.
That's why you came to France.
To be free.
You're so right.
But the truth is...
You see...
Let's go, Mr. Ayayaz.
When you're ready,
you press "call".
And he's off to hamster heaven.
Ready?
One...
Two...
Hold on, using the wrong phone
would be a bummer.
Is this the one I gave you earlier?
I think it's the other.
No, this one...
One...
Two. No, this one.
This is the one. It's this one.
One... two... three...
Hamster hash!
What a blast!
I'll drive you back.
This 'hood can be dangerous.
Come on then.
Relax. It's going to be ok.
Excuse me, sir...
- Is that my kidney?
- Yes, it is.
Don't worry, it'll all go well.
No time for operation today.
I have important thing to do.
I come back later.
Thank you. Goodbye.
What are you doing?
He's out of his mind!
Go after him! He can't leave
with his kidney!
Come on!
What's going on?
I go find Muzafar.
Operation later.
Are you crazy?
Don't worry, I have kidney!
- No!
- Yes!
- You can't do this!
- I hold onto it now.
Come on!
- Move, I'm trying to work!
- Give me a break!
- It's green for me!
- Shut your mouth!
Drive! Hurry!
- Where to?
- Eiffel Tower.
That won't be possible.
Traffic's heavy there
and you're my last fare.
I can leave you
at Porte de Bagnolet...
Why things so complicated in France?
He's crazy. This isn't Fr...
I know, this isn't France.
Exactly, it's Paris.
The world's most beautiful city.
A good job France has Paris
to give all the county bumpkins
dreams.
Porte de Bagnolet is miles away.
It's where I'm heading.
You're a cab, you go where we say!
Dumb bitch!
Ok, we have no choice.
What this?
Daddy!
Hi daddy!
What's wrong?
Don't worry, we'll find him.
Come!
Thank God!
I couldn't, Feruz...
I couldn't.
It doesn't matter.
I can't kill children.
I won't kill grown-ups either.
I won't be happy in paradise
if I kill people.
So I throw bomb
in big river over there.
Shame on us, Feruz.
Jafaraz will cut off our heads
with rusty knife
on village square!
What if...
we didn't go back?
What if we stayed here?
But Dada...
What about Dada?
Jafaraz said
he unleash hell on him.
He's old.
Yes, he's old.
He's very old.
Hey, you lovebirds...
Get a hotel room.
The hospital now?
Look...
I found my kidney!
- Come on.
- Let's go.
Wait...
Can we look at tower first?
We'll come back. It's not going away.
You never know.
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Why it called Eiffel Tower?
The architect's name
was Gustave Eiffel.
He made some crazy stuff!
Look at those two!
He look like...
Little Leader Wassupbro!
- What they do?
- You!
Look at bag!
- They bring bomb!
- What's going on?
Traitors!
- Terrorists!
- Call police. They have bomb!
They have bomb!
Go on, Muzafar!
Like in rugby!
Long live Taboulistan!
- Damn...
- What do now?
I one kidney short.
Best I take risk.
No, my fault we here!
Stop arguing. Today,
I take care of us.
Run, Feruz!
Out of way!
Go away!
Run!
What he do?
Shit...
There you go.
That's how my adventure in France
came to an end.
Poor little Feruz.
A terrorist attack narrowly avoided
at the Eiffel Tower.
Luckily, everyone spoke
about my heroic deed.
Even Guillaume Auda.
Marianne was very professional
in her first live report
despite her emotion.
Thanks to the sacrifice
of two undocumented immigrants,
France still has her greatest symbol.
Feruz Ayayaz, a goatherd
aged 35 from Taboulistan,
a cheerful man
fond of dancing and goats...
The news even reached them at home.
But just where is Taboulistan?
It's a small land in Central Asia
between Afghanistan,
Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
Our genius was finally recognized
by the whole world.
...proud of inventing
tabbouleh over 1,000 years ago.
And so Taboulistan became
the 194th member of the UN.
The Great Leader was delighted.
And for the last time
because the next day,
with the Revolution,
they cut off his head!
Kachetebrul found fortune at last
by becoming the country's
top tourist destination!
Dada was very happy.
400 euros. My son!
Jafaraz tried
to flee the country but...
he had a slight mishap
on his way to Switzerland.
But France was the country
that paid me the greatest tribute.
I even had the honor
of being received
at the home of the great leader
of all the French.
Who is in fact a woman.
The French really are crazy!
That hurts.
Muzafar gave a speech
and said lots of beautiful things.
Why did you do it?
Goddam desert dune dickwad!
You will stay
forever in my heart.
If ever I have children,
I'll call them all Feruz.
Even the girls!
In Taboulistan, when someone die,
people have party.
So, for Feruz,
traditional dance,
the Tawa!
As for me, my friends,
don't worry, everything's fine.
Since I saved hundreds of lives
I was sent straight
to paradise!
Where I haven't seen
a single virgin or a mature woman.
Nor any terrorists either.
However, the all-you-can-eat buffet
is awesome!
Lemonade, Coke, Oaziz...
It's interesting.
What?
We said not hit woman!