Walking and Talking (1996) Movie Script
What is that sound
Where is it coming from
All around
What are you running from
Something
you don't understand
Something
you cannot command
That's how I know
That she's got a new spell
Yeah, that's how I know
That she's got a new spell
What's going down
Who's moved this rope
from around me
Where has it gone
I fear this night
will drown me
So I lie awake all night
'Cause I can't sleep
with something I can't fight
And she's got a new spell
Yeah, that's how I know
That she's got a new spell
The laws of gravity
are very, very strict
And you're just bending them
for your own benefit
- [Girl #1]
Looks like a disgusting animal.
- [Girl #2] Ah.
[Girl #1]
Look, there's the nose and those
two round things are the ears.
- You guys!
- And that's the hair.
Yeah. Let me... Oh, God,
that's a big condom.
He has a big penis.
- [Page Turning]
- Ah!
She's getting ready
to strip.
- Mmm. Where's his head?
- I don't know.
- [Page Turning]
- Here's something. Eeew!
Eeew!
- What kind of underwear is that?
- I think it's sick.
Ugh. He's grabbing
her boobs. That's disgusting.
Sorry. Hi.
- Hi. I ordered for you.
- Oh, great.
[Man]
How you doin'?
You want some coffee?
- Yes. Please.
- Excuse me.
I had wanted some coffee.
Sure thing.
Something's wrong
with Big Jeans.
She looks waxy and snotty,
and she threw up and wouldn't eat.
Oh, but that's a cat,
you know. Cats throw up
hair balls all the time.
I know, but I made
an appointment at the vet's
this morning anyway.
- So will you come?
- Oh, God. I can't. I've
got that client at 9:00.
- That's okay.
- I'll split it with you.
- Good.
- No home fries today?
- No, thanks.
- You sure?
Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks.
All right.
- Don't even smile at him.
It gives him hope.
- Sorry.
- But he's not that bad today.
- Oh.
- She's a fat thing, isn't she?
- [Chuckles]
She should be put on a diet.
It's unhealthy for a cat
to be that fat.
I know, but, you know.
Life is short. She likes to eat.
[Sighs]
I'm gonna take some blood.
Then we'll know more.
We'll get the results
in a couple of days.
Could you hold her, please?
Okay.
Look at me, kitty.
You look at me.
You little cat.
She's always tellin' me
I smell bad.
Ten seconds after I take
a shower, she tells me I stink!
I can't help it if I stink
even when I'm clean.
It just proves
it's not my fault.
Why do you think
she's always hurting your feelings?
I don't know.
I don't think she likes me.
She's your wife.
Let's assume she likes you.
- But a lot of husbands and wives
don't like each other.
- That's true.
I got this little voice
tellin' me she's mad at me,
but I don't know why.
A little voice?
- What little voice?
- The voice of the devil.
I see him too.
What... What... What does
the devil look like?
Like in the cartoons.
Little and red and mean.
You know what?
I'm really proud of myself.
You know why?
I never let myself be alone.
I always think I need to be
with somebody, but I don't.
I mean, right after Carrie
I immediately met Debbie; right
after Debbie I was with you.
And then I had that demented
relationship with that girl
in my group.
It's not funny.
I been talking on the phone
lately with this woman
I met in California.
She's a bellhop.
I know. She likes me.
I mean, I can tell
she really likes me.
But, uh, I just
want to be her friend.
That's it, you know?
I'm not gonna let it evolve
into anything more.
It's not what I need
right now.
Good. I think, you know, it'll
be really good for you to be
by yourself for a while.
I have to hurry. I have
my Alzheimer's meeting
in a half an hour.
All right. So, um, what
are you gonna do tonight?
I rented some videos.
Probably just gonna watch them.
- You?
- Nothing. Probably rent also.
"Big-breasted Babes"?
Ha-ha. Very funny.
- I don't have any cash. I need...
Can I have some money?
- Oh, my God, Andrew.
Thank you.
Oh, honey.
This is so ugly.
- Isn't it?
- Yes. This is your most gross yet!
Jesus. You designed this?
- This lived in your mind.
- Shoot me.
[Laughs]
God, I love this one.
Oh. Um, um, Rick called.
Rick?
- Said you never called him back.
- Yeah, I know. I just...
- What?
- Ah, I don't really like hangin'
out with that guy anymore.
I mean, he still does
bong hits in the bathroom.
Yeah, but, honey, don't you
think you should at least try
to keep up your friendships?
I mean, you know, you might
get sick of me one day,
- and you're gonna have
no friends left.
- That will never happen.
How about this one, Amelia?
Bugs that latch
onto people's flesh and
make their insides explode.
- Sure.
- You don't like
those kind of movies?
I love 'em
if they're well done.
- How's your job goin'?
- Good.
Good. I'm doing, uh,
most of the editing now.
And I hired a couple
of new people.
- You're a writer, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- How's it goin' for you?
- Badly.
I'm startin' to think
I should learn how to operate
a forklift or something.
- Here, I'll rent this.
- It's a great choice.
Let's see here.
555-6972.
- Good memory.
- Yeah. What do you say
we go out sometime?
Maybe see a movie.
Um. I'm so busy.
Um. You know.
All right.
All right. I hear ya.
- Uh, take care.
- Okay, I'll see you.
Shit.
[Urinating]
[Laughs]
- Here.
- Whoa.
I got it.
Here.
- How... seductive.
- [Chuckles]
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
I, uh...
Will you marry me?
[Gasps, Laughs]
Jesus Christ!
I don't believe...
- I don't believe it.
- I, um... I designed it.
And th-then they made it
for me at work.
- The... Um. You can
have the stone reset, though.
- R-Really?
- Yeah.
- [Laughs]
Oh, God. It's so beautiful.
It's beautiful. It's so beautiful.
- Y-You haven't answered me.
- Oh, God! God!
I would love
to be your wife.
Oh, my God.
How am I gonna tell Amelia?
Well, I've been doing
a lot of thinking lately,
and I've decided...
that I think I want to,
um, end therapy.
Why?
- Tell me.
- Well, I... I don't know.
I just feel like it's time.
You know, I...
I feel like I want to go at it
alone for a while.
I mean, here I am,
completely single,
and I'm not so depressed
about it.
And it's hard with Laura
being so grotesquely in love,
but I'm still okay.
And it's been forever
since I've been obsessed with anyone.
So I think I'm doin'
a lot better in that area.
How are things with Andrew?
Great. I mean I...
I never thought that
we could be friends.
And now I'm
totally over him.
Mmm.
Well, why don't we pick
a time to stop, and then
work towards that?
Okay.
I was thinking a month.
One more month?
Okay.
- Hey, the video store guy
asked me out again.
- He did?
I said no.
He's really ugly.
Oh, Freddie de Salvo and
Andy Frumpkin were ugly,
and that didn't stop ya.
- Hey. I was 13. I was ugly.
- Honey, you were never ugly.
You were hairy.
[Laughs]
Oh, I think you should do it.
Maybe he's nice.
Maybe he isn't, but
at least if he's ugly
you'll have the upper hand.
- I mean there's no risk.
- That's sick.
- You guys pity me.
- [Together] Nah.
[Laughs]
Oh, my God, what's that?
It's so fake looking!
It looks like a Barbie ring,
Frank.
It's... It's, uh...
It's not fake. Frank gave it to me.
- Oh, I know. I mean, it's one of
your jokes, right? From work.
- Uh-uh.
- We're engaged.
- Yeah.
We're gonna get married.
Whoa. Ha!
You're engaged?
Wow! That is...
That's unbelievable!
That's great news.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
I thought that i-it was
one of your jokes from work.
No! No, it's,
uh, okay.
Hey. We could have it
at the lake house.
I mean, I'll ask my mom.
- But wouldn't that be great?
- That would be perfect.
I think this would be
a really bad time to stop.
Well, Amelia, I'm sorry
to say this, but I...
I think it's too late. I...
I've already filled your slot.
- You filled my slot?
- Yes.
And...
I think you wanting to go it
alone was a positive step.
Shall we stick to that?
- Hi.
- Hi. How're you doin'?
I'm doin' all right.
How are you doin'?
- What are you up to?
- Not much.
Well, I get off in a little
while. Can I talk you
into Freak Show Seven?
There's a late show.
[Groans]
[Movie:
Continuous Screaming]
You know, we could've
left the movie if it
was makin' you sick.
I couldn't stop watching it.
It was so gross.
Yeah, it was a good one.
Look at this.
I once... I once
put makeup like this
on my little brother.
Made it look like his
cheeks were falling off,
and he was scared shitless.
He was just in the bathroom,
like, crying, looking into...
in the mirror,
begging me
to take it off.
- That was pretty funny.
- That's fucked up.
[Laughs]
You think?
I was young.
How's your stomach?
- Not great.
- Mmm. Maybe this'll help.
It probably would
if I could stop thinking
about that talking forehead.
- Oh, man.
- I hear you.
My best friend's
getting married.
It's probably
what's making me sick.
Mmm.
[Sighs]
Mmm. How's that?
Good.
Better.
Thanks.
Good. I actually
feel inspired to do some writing.
- Oh!
- I... If I feel it...
If I feel inspired,
- I should try to do some work.
- Okay.
- It's kinda late anyway.
- Yeah.
- All right. Well, thanks.
- Yeah. Uh...
It was fun.
Yeah, it was.
I'll call you.
Okay. All right.
Bye.
Good night.
Hi. It's me.
Anyone? Anyone?
Anyone? Are you guys
there?
What, are you screening?
Pick up.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This sponge that I'm washing
dishes with is unbelievable.
It... Oh, my God.
It smells like a hot dog.
It's disgusting.
And I can't stop smelling it.
[Sniffs]
Are you gonna pick up?
Okay. All right, then.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- Don't you have work?
- Not today. I'm going to a meeting.
- Which? Overeaters?
- Alzheimer's.
Oh. How is your dad?
Not so good.
You know, you go to your
Coping With Alzheimer's meetings
more than you see your dad.
I'm gonna see him
next week. Maybe you'd
like to come with me?
- Queens?
- Yeah.
I've been talking to that
woman in California...
on the phone a lot lately.
You know, the one
I told you about?
Yeah. So?
We, uh,
talk on the phone...
for long... long...
long... long...
periods of time.
- Oh, God. Ohh.
- And...
Don't tell me this.
She talks and you jerk off.
And the other way around.
You should hear the noise she makes.
- I don't wanna hear this.
- [Phone Ringing]
Classifieds. I don't know.
Could you hold, please?
- We never did that.
- We didn't have to.
- We lived in the same city.
- I thought you said you weren't
gonna get involved with anyone.
I'm not involved.
We talk on the phone. That's it.
I live in New York.
She lives in California.
- What's her name?
- Virginia.
I'm probably never gonna
call her again anyway.
- So it's sort of a moot point.
- Oh, that's nice.
You've had phone sex
with this girl, and you're
never gonna call her again.
You're an asshole.
Don't call me
an asshole.
- Well, does she know
how you feel?
- What?
That that's it.
Oh. I don't know.
I've been thinking
about my son a lot lately.
- I didn't know you had a son.
- Yes, you did.
Remember you suggested
I send him a card
a couple of months ago?
- Oh. Right. God.
- Well, so...
I called him,
and I headed out there.
But as soon as I sat down
on the bus, I knew it
would be a mistake.
You know how I knew?
Because right there, on that
shiny pole that you hang onto,
was a little red devil,
smiling right at me
and laughin' at me.
The devil. And... And
that would be the same
devil you mentioned before?
Then I looked out,
and he was on the tip of my shoe.
She was coming on to me
so strong.
And I didn't really
feel anything.
But then she...
She started to touch me.
I felt aroused. Still, I-I didn't
want it to go any further.
I mean, she thought I did, because...
Well, I mean, she could see.
It was so fucked up.
I never should have called her,
but I feel weird not wanting
to go out with some girl.
You know, I feel like
there's something wrong with me
if I don't want any sex.
You know what I'm saying?
Y-You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm a bad therapist.
Do you hear me? I am a bad therapist.
- Who am I gonna bring
to your wedding?
- I am making these people worse.
- [Dog Barking]
- Everyone in your family's
gonna wonder...
why I don't have a boyfriend;
your brother thinks I'm a lesbian.
You slept with my brother.
How could he think you're a lesbian?
Come on. Do you really care
what my brother thinks? Do you?
Hmm. No.
I have a crush
on one of my patients.
What?
What do you mean?
I mean...
This is not funny.
- I mean a crush, like I
want to fuck one of them.
- [Inhales]
Oh, my God.
You mean my shrink
could want to fuck me?
- Hello, this isn't about
you. This is about me.
- You're right.
We did some tests,
and the news is not good.
Big Jeans has cancer.
It looks like it started
in the lungs and, uh,
spread to the brain.
Now, some people
may not opt for this,
but you could do
a series of chemotherapy
and radiation treatments.
It's very expensive.
It may work. It may not work.
She's 14.
She's not young.
She's had a...
a happy life.
Maybe the best thing
would be to put her down.
- Okay.
- No, I mean down. I mean...
I-I mean
put her to sleep.
I...
I can't do that.
I mean, maybe the treatments
will work.
It's gonna be
expensive, Amelia.
- You're cold.
- I am... All right,
I'll split it with you.
Okay?
- That looks familiar.
- Well, she's lending it to me.
- She's got a date.
- A date?
It's not a date.
- It's the ugly guy.
- [Laura Laughs]
Well, if it's the ugly guy,
then why are you wearin'the sexy top?
- That is such a good point.
- Fuck you both.
Okay, I have no clothes,
and he's taking me to some
weirdo convention.
- Lookit, honey. See the pigs?
- Mm-hmm.
- I designed them for you.
- I'm touched. Listen, Frank.
Did you call the guys
that you said you were gonna invite?
- No.
- Why not?
- What do you mean, why not?
- I mean, why not?
Why didn't you do it?
'Cause I didn't.
I'll do it. Shut up about it.
- I'm not gonna shut up
about it. Look at all...
- You guys fight? Cool.
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
Oh, my God. That's the monster
from Basket Case.
It's incredible.
I-I got a book at home,
tells how that was made.
It's... Mmm.
- You're being a very good sport.
- Thanks.
So what's your, um,
screenplay about?
It's based on the life
of Colette.
Wow. Are you kidding?
No. Why?
Nothing. I just...
You know.
I thought you'd be writing
about people stabbing each other
or something. Right?
These people
make great stuff.
This is... I mean,
you got to, you know,
sort of have a...
a certain frame of mind
to appreciate it,
but I think that, you know,
doctors who operate
on the human body,
they think it's beautiful,
and it's...
It's the same with, you know,
people who make this stuff.
It's... I... I think
there's something...
really poetic
about it all, : It's art.
Something even, you know,
erotic about it.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- She's cute.
- What's up, fellas?
- Hi.
I heard what you said
Your words will live forever
in my head
- [Continues]
- [Sneezes]
- [Exhales]
Do you have a cat?
- Yeah. Are you allergic?
- Yeah, extremely.
- She's over there.
Oh. She doesn't
look too good.
She, um... She had her first
chemotherapy appointment today.
- She's, uh... She has cancer.
- [Chuckles]
Really? Is that...
Uh, do cats get cancer?
[Laughs]
I'm sorry. I know
that's not funny. It just...
[Laughs]
No. I'm...
No. Go ahead. Laugh.
She's... dying, that's all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll stop.
My old girlfriend had
three cats, and I was
really nice to all of them.
How long were you
with your old girlfriend?
Three years.
Lived together
for two of them.
You ever live
with anyone?
No. I... Which, I...
I guess is a good thing,
'cause then I never
had to move out from anyone.
Or vice versa.
[Exhales]
[Laughs]
What are you looking at?
You're really pretty.
Thanks.
I... I mean you
look like...
like you really
need to hear it.
- Gee.
- I know. That's okay.
That's not a bad thing
to want.
Um, Bill.
I'm not...
I'm not sure if I...
[Phone Ringing]
[Water Running]
[Answering Machine Beeps]
[Laura] Hi, it's me.
I guess you're still out with...
What is his name, anyway?
You always just call him the ugly guy.
God, I can't believe
you're still out with him.
Does this mean he'll give you
free video rentals?
Call me. Bye.
[Beep]
[Rewind Button Clicks]
[Sneezes]
What about flippin' in
the old diaphragm, huh?
Okay.
- What?
- What is that?
- I... I don't know.
- You've never seen it before?
- Nope. Uh-uh.
- Never?
God, you should see a doctor.
- Yeah, I will.
- You will? It looks weird.
- Yeah, I know.
- Good.
- Wanna play a round?
- Yeah. I just said I did.
- Aw. I'm gonna whup your ass.
I'm gonna whup your ass!
- [Laughing]
- You're down a hundred points.
- I'm not down a hundred points.
You lie.
I'm not kidding you.
I didn't... I didn't care
at all about his looks.
I mean, I totally
forgot them.
He has beautiful skin.
I don't know.
He kissed great.
- Mmm. What do you think?
[Laughs]
- I think that one is you.
- This is so hot.
- It's you. Let's get
if off immediately.
That saleswoman,
she really got my taste.
- Oh, before I forget...
- Yes?
- I got your shirt I borrowed.
- Oh, cool.
- Thank you very much. It worked.
- Did you wash that?
Um, yeah. But I
didn't... I didn't really
get to iron it though.
Amelia, it's supposed
to be dry-cleaned.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I wreck it?
No. I mean, yeah. But
don't worry about it.
[Laughs]
Okay. Come on.
Tell me. What was it
like in the morning?
Well, you know, uh,
we didn't really have a morning.
I mean, he's a writer,
and, uh, he's really dedicated.
I think... I think he
wanted to work. So it
ended sort of abruptly.
That doesn't necessarily
mean anything.
Really?
I feel terrible.
No. I'm t-totally serious.
Come on. He had a nice body?
You know that first stage
of having sex with someone...
when they could just touch you
and you...
Okay. I don't need
to hear any more.
Why, honey?
Is there a problem?
[Laughs]
Not at all. It's just,
uh, you know, it's not like
the first time or anything.
It's a little routine.
- All right, what do you think?
- Um...
- I think that one's fine.
- Fine? Why would I want
to look fine?
- I don't want to look fine.
- I'm sorry. You're right.
[Sighs]
I'm farting.
- I thought so.
- Yeah.
What are you reading?
Obsessive-compulsive Behavior...
in Children Who Are
Sexually Molested.
- Ooh. Sorry.
You come here all the time.
- Yeah.
- I'm Peter.
- I'm Laura.
Nice to finally
meet you, Laura.
- You too.
- So, um, are you, uh, an actress?
- Not even close. Why?
- Oh. I... I'm an actor.
- Oh.
- And I guess everybody I know is
either an actor or a model. So.
I'm actually a therapist.
Well, I'm actually studying
to be a therapist.
- I'm almost finished school.
- Well, my actor-model friends
all go see therapists, so...
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
You bite your nails.
That's sort of charming.
Yeah, and... and my toenails.
But I guess that would be
considered less charming.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I have to go.
- Can I have my check, please?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm not usually
this obnoxious.
But I... I'm in this play
for a couple of weekends,
and maybe you could
check it out.
- Good.
- Cool.
- Bye. See ya.
- Okay.
Look at his legs.
Look how they walk.
There's somethin'
wrong with you.
Will you just peek in
and give me some kind of,
you know, description?
Like, just tell me
what it looks like he's feeling?
What are you feeling?
- I feel like an idiot.
- Mmm. That's very interesting.
Why hasn't he called me,
Andrew? I mean, Jesus, look at him.
I thought for once
I could relax.
- I couldn't see his face.
- You didn't try.
- I did. I tried. I looked.
- Oh, my God.
What? Where
you goin'?
Oh, my God. Okay, let's go
in the coffee shop.
- No, I don't wanna.
- Please, Andrew. Please!
- No.
- I just want him to see me
with you. Please?
If you wanna talk to him,
go talk to him. I'm not
gonna play into this.
He's an asshole.
He should have called you.
- I'm goin' home.
- Why are you going home?
- I'm expecting a phone call.
- From who?
Virginia? I thought
you said you weren't
gonna talk to her again.
Yeah, I know, but I... Anyways,
I want to watch these videos.
- You should rent them from him!
- Yeah, so.
More porno?
You know, it's
an addiction, okay?
Do you understand the word
"addiction"? I don't feel
good about it, and you...
- Andrew. I don't think
it's hurting anyone. Okay?
- You don't?
- No.
- I mean, I know that, but...
it's nice of you
to say it.
You're sweet. In fact,
you're too sweet for him. Let's go.
Okay, but since you
have your arm around me,
I don't see why...
- we just can't walk
in for one second.
- Forget it. Forget it.
- Andrew, wait.
- No. I put my arm around you
because I felt like it!
Not to make some... some putz
who doesn't even have
the nerve to call you jealous!
Good-bye.
[Blowing Bubbles]
Come on.
- Hi. How we doin'?
- [Frank] Good.
Um, Ellen, I'm gonna have
the, uh, Caesar salad, and...
- Laura, what are you gonna have?
- I'll just have a slice of lemon
for my soda. Thanks.
- Sure.
- Why do you have to
do that all the time?
It's like you're... It's
like you're somebody out
of a TV show or something.
- What?
- Be so chummy with the waitress.
- I don't know. It's gross.
- I wasn't so chummy
with the waitress.
I called her by her name.
I call you by your name.
Do you think that's gross?
It's not the same thing.
You want everybody to like you.
You think I give a shit
if Ellen likes me?
- Yeah, I do.
- Why do you have to be
so controlling?
I mean, are you trying to control
the way I talk now?
- You think I'm controlling?
- [Scoffs]
[Blowing Bubbles]
[Urinating]
[Sighs]
God, I hate fighting.
We weren't really fighting.
[Phone Rings]
Okay, but I hate
whatever it was we were doing.
[Toilet Flushing]
[Answering Machine
Beeps]
- Listen to what I'm listening to.
- [Slow Love Song]
Music to slit
your wrists by.
[Sighs]
He still hasn't called me.
- [Continues]
- You think I intimidated
him or something?
Think he's too insecure
to call?
- Why do I still think of you
- Okay. Bye.
- Mmm.
- Hon. [Laughs]
- Mm-hmm.
- I thought you were gonna, uh,
do some of your jewelry
designs when we got home.
I was, but I'd rather do this.
Uh... Do you think maybe
we could change the order
of things once in a while?
I mean, it's just like, you know,
every time we have sex, we kiss.
A-And then you touch my tits
and then you... you kiss them.
And... And then I touch your dick
and then you touch me.
And, um, you know,
either one of us goes
down on the other one.
And then we fuck. You know,
it's not... I-It's not like
I don't like it or something.
It's just... You know.
Gets a little predictable.
You know? D-Do you
know what I mean?
You never used to screen
your calls.
You were probably
having routine sex.
[Continues]
Well, I didn't mean
for us to go to sleep.
Good night.
How do you know
What I feel
[Disguised Voice]
Hel... Hello?
Yes. Do you... Do you carry all
of Stanley Kubrick's films?
You do. And, uh, what time
do you close, please?
Thank you.
[Groans]
- Who's this?
- Ah, it's just my parents
92 years ago.
[Pop]
I wonder if I'll ever know
what it's like to not
break up with someone.
[Phone Rings]
Who's this?
[Chuckles]
Hello?
Hi! How are you?
- It's long distance.
- Oh.
Uh...
Nothin'.
[Laughs]
Just sittin' here.
You?
Yeah.
Look, I... I've got a friend over
right now, so I can't...
Hello? Hello?
That's weird.
- Was that her?
- Yeah.
Was she...
- Then? Was she...
- [Laughs]
No, she wasn't.
Thank God.
[Laughs]
Andrew?
Can I ask you something?
Mm-hmm.
Okay. I know...
you and I never
really talked about it...
I mean, not really.
But... what went wrong
with us?
I mean, did I do something
horrendous to, like, turn you off?
No. I...
[Exhales]
Why are you doing this?
Is this because of
the video store guy?
Come on. I can take it.
What was it?
Amelia, this is not
what you need right now.
How do you know
what I need right now?
- Because I'm your friend, that's how.
- Then answer me.
Y... You made me
too important.
But you were important
to me. I mean...
But too important, you know?
Like...
Like I was everything.
You weren't everything,
Andrew.
I know. But you had this way
of making me feel like that.
Great.
That's great.
You know, I'm gonna leave,
'cause I don't even...
I don't even know...
I don't even know how to do this!
- So I'm gonna go, okay? Bye.
- Amelia, wait.
- No.
- It's not like that. Just...
- Would you wait?
- Now you can call back Virginia.
Saved by
The interstate
New York
Is 3,000 miles away
And I'm not looking forward
to following through
But it's better than always
running back into you
I've closed my eyes
and my bank account
Bill! Bill, wait.
Take off
I don't believe this.
Well, I mean, what's wrong
with having an expectation?
I fucked the guy!
He should call me.
Right? There's nothing
wrong with that rule.
And now I can't even rent
any fucking videotapes,
which is all I liked to do
in the first place.
And Laura and Frank make me
sick! It's like they're
glued to each other!
I mean, they eat the same things.
Then they'll go on diets together.
I mean, I think they're
beginning to look alike. Like...
Like people and their dogs.
And I have only one
fucking session left with you!
Amelia,
you seem angry at me.
Look. If you and I went out,
we had a nice time,
we made love for hours,
and then you didn't call me,
it would be strange, right?
Interesting example you used.
You and I.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, you've been married
since you were like... 19.
You have no idea
what it's like out there.
Amelia. I hate to say this.
But I think you're
in some sort of denial.
The kindest thing you could do
is to put this guy to sleep.
- What are you resisting?
- "What am I resisting."
I guess I'm resisting the execution
of our cat. Is that so weird?
And listen, don't talk to me
like I'm one of your patients.
I'm your best friend.
That's your best friend?
- Shit, I forgot to make
my hair appointment.
- What, for your wedding?
- I'm gonna do your hair.
- No, I want someone
sort of special to do it.
I mean... I'm sorry.
I want somebody, you know,
to do something with this hair.
You know
how much I hate it.
So listen, are we
still planning to go to
Pennsylvania this weekend?
I think you guys should
come up, you know,
at least once before
the wedding, just to plan stuff.
- Yeah. Definitely.
- Okay. I'll talk to you later, then.
- Hi, Bill.
- Hi. How you doin'?
Um, fine.
Um, I was wondering...
do you have...
uh, Jaws in stock?
Yeah, I think so.
Haven't seen you around.
Where you been? You
haven't rented lately.
I've been... busy.
Yeah, we have Jaws
in stock. I'll go get it.
Here you go.
Uh, phone number?
555-6972.
Mmm.
Thanks.
See ya.
"Rented lately"?
Are you crazy? I had sex
with you two weeks ago,
and now you're asking me
why I haven't rented lately?
I don't know. I... I...
I didn't know what to say.
How about... How about,
"Why haven't you called me?"
How about that?
I was busy, okay?
Fine.
- Amelia, wait.
- Forget it.
No, wait. We'll finish this.
All right? 'Cause it's
not what you think.
Oh, no, it's never what I think.
I mean, that's what gets me
into these messes. Okay, what?
What is it? What is it?
I'm listening. What's the reason?
I know you... I know
you think I'm ugly.
- What?
- I know you referred to me
as "the ugly guy."
And I don't...
I don't need friends
who talk about me that way.
Okay? That's
why I didn't call you.
- I never... I don't know
why you think that.
- You got a message...
on your machine
when you were in the bathroom.
Some girl
was talkin' about me.
That's how I know.
- What message?
- I don't know. I erased it.
Can I go now?
Do you forgive me?
Laura. Are you there?
It's me. Pick up.
Look, I really need to talk
to you. Did you leave
a message on my machine...
about Bill being ugly?
Laura! Shit.
[Door Closes]
[Peter]
God, she could've given me
a hug or something.
- What're you talking about?
She's not your girl.
- So?
- She hurt me very, very bad.
- Badly.
Whatever, man!
You're so insensitive.
I'm sick of all your crap.
You're no friend to me.
You're an enemy.
Leave!
Begone!
This guy directing the play
is such an idiot.
He's a total putz.
He's really just a spoiled actor
who thinks he can direct.
And someone gave him the money.
I swear I don't know who.
And voila! He's
directing a play.
I said I'd do it,
just 'cause I need to work.
- Right?
- Right.
But what I really
want to do is write
and direct my own stuff.
- I'm sorry. I'm boring you.
- No. No!
I thought the play was good.
This is interesting to me.
I don't... I don't normally
hear this kind of stuff.
- Where are you from?
- New York.
What do you do
in your spare time?
I... Stuff.
- You got brothers or sisters?
- Why are you interviewing me?
'Cause I haven't shut up,
and I feel bad.
Oh, no. Don't. Oh.
- You put clear nail polish
on. That looks pretty.
- They... Th-Thank you.
- Peter. Unbelievable!
- Hey!
- You were so great!
- Peter, I gotta go. Bye.
- Stay! You sure you can't stay?
- Thanks. No. Yeah.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.
Is she here? I... I know
you guys screen your calls,
but I... I thought I would try...
She's not here. I thought
she was with you, and then...
I... I heard your message.
- Okay. Well, will you
tell her I came by?
- Yeah, I...
Are you okay?
You... Do you want to come in
and... and talk or something?
- I don't want to bug you.
- You're not buggin' me.
I... I'm just tryin'
to fold my laundry. Come on in.
Wow. What are these?
Ah, just some stuff
I've been workin' on.
They're beautiful.
- Are you stoned?
- Yeah. You want some?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's pretty strong.
[Laughs]
I know you think
I'm some kind of hack or something.
No, I don't. I just...
I've never... I've never
seen your stuff before.
I mean that... that you liked.
You know?
Yeah, well, I've been
trying to work on it more lately.
But, uh, I don't know
what to do. I...
I just started
getting back into it.
And they offered me
this new line at work,
designing a series of...
men's leisure rings.
[Laughs]
Yuck.
- What are those?
- Exactly.
Oh, man.
Now, that is just the...
teeniest, tiniest,
most adorable thing
I have ever seen.
She wears an eight.
[Giggles]
- What are you doing?
- What?
- You smelled your armpit.
- It comforts me.
- What?
- Try it. Hi.
- Stop! Hi, Ma.
- Andrew.
- Darling, am I late?
- Ma, this is Amelia.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Yes, hello, Amelia.
How do I look, Andrew?
I... I tried to pull myself together.
- You look good.
- I have an interview across town.
- What interview?
- I'm gonna take a job.
Part-time, maybe,
if I can get day care.
- Hey, Danny.
- Hi, Andrew!
- Look who's here.
- Hey, pretty girl!
- Have you missed your uncle?
- Danny, this is Amelia.
You don't know her.
- I don't know her?
- No.
- You're gonna tell me
I don't know this girl?
- You know me.
And, Danny, Andrew's
gonna take you for that
haircut we talked about.
- Okay. I'm ready.
- All right.
You know what I
just thought of?
It'll be a great idea
for the birthday party.
We should have cold cuts.
Corned beef.
It's been forever
since I've had juicy corned beef.
That sounds delicious.
That's a good idea.
You know, when Andrew was
a little boy, he used to hate to
get his hair cut. Didn't you?
But do you remember
what we did after your haircut?
I'd take you to the dump.
It was your favorite place to go.
We'd climb on top
of this huge mountain of stuff.
There were seagulls
flying all around. It stank!
But once we found a bicycle
there. Remember that?
- You know what I just thought of?
- [Amelia] What?
I think cold cuts
at the party would be great.
It's been ages since I've
had a juicy corned beef.
Sounds delicious.
It's a good idea.
- [Machine Beeps]
- I don't know what I'm doing
in this line.
I have like $32
in my account.
I thought you were gonna move
paintings for that rich guy.
I am.
That's next week.
What do you think? Could I
borrow a couple of bucks just
to get me through some bills?
- Sure. How much?
- Mmm. Couple hundred.
You know, your dad is
not as bad as I pictured.
No, he's great.
It's my mom who's pathetic.
Why? She
seemed nice.
You met her for five minutes
and you think you know her
better than I do?
Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- You were rude.
It's none of your business.
You asked me
to come with you.
Thanks.
- I can pay you next week.
- Good. I'll need it.
Where you goin'?
I'm goin' home.
Where you goin'?
I was, uh... I was gonna go
to the phone company, pay my bill.
Okay. So I'll
see you later.
Wait a minute!
You're gonna pay your
phone bill with the money
I just gave you?
Yeah.
Are you crazy?
Give me back my money.
- Why? You lent it to me.
- Give it back to me, Andrew.
You are so low! You think
I'm gonna pay for you to have
phone sex with that girl?
- They're gonna cut off
my service if I don't...
- Give it back.
Give it back!
[Soft Love Song]
I can't believe that
you would say that on my machine.
- [Continues]
- What were you thinking?
Well, you didn't
even like the guy,
so I... I guess I was
thinking that he wouldn't
be in your apartment.
I do like him.
And now he doesn't
want to see me again.
I'm sorry I hurt his feelings.
I really am. I...
I mean, it didn't
really seem like he was
right for you anyway.
[Snickers]
Oh, well, now he isn't.
I'm sorry.
Do we really have to
listen to this vagina music
all the way there?
- Yes!
- Yes!
- This is amazing!
It's so beautiful.
- It's so beautiful.
This is where I thought
you could do it, maybe.
Yes. Definitely. This is perfect.
I love these two trees.
- Isn't it beautiful?
Yeah.
- It's beautiful!
No. I think it has to be
over here, you know.
I mean, if it's over here,
everyone's gonna have a much
better view, right?
Looking out onto the lake?
Yeah.
After the ceremony they're gonna
feel like havin' a drink,
and we can set the drinks up
right over there.
Oh, and the path.
They're gonna have a direct
path right to the tent.
And while they'll be in the tent
they can eat, drink, mingle.
Whatever. Go home.
Well, if they feel like
goin' home, then...
they'll be
right by their cars.
- [Chuckles]
- And what will they be feeling
as they're driving home?
- [Raspberry]
- No, she's right.
- Right. Okay.
- Right? I mean,
we're having it here.
- Why wouldn't we have it
facing the lake?
- I think so too.
- No. Absolutely.
- Of course. It's amazing.
Look, it's beautiful here.
- It's beautiful...
- Oh, my God, the light on your face.
- I mean, we have to pick a spot.
- What about... You know,
the dress will be kind of cool.
- Excuse me?
- [Both Chattering At Once]
Ladies? Excuse me.
Do I have a say
in all this?
- No.
- No.
- Are you goin' to the lake?
- Yeah. Aren't you comin'?
No, I can't. I'm being
evaluated on Monday.
- I have to be more prepared
for my sessions.
- Won't be the same without ya.
- Thank you.
- Have fun.
Andrew's a crack-up.
Didn't you guys go out for a while?
Yeah. Like,
eight months ago.
So what happened?
How come it didn't work out?
- Wanna know what happened?
I think I know what happened.
- What?
It didn't work out
because I bought him
this pair of black pants.
- [Laughing]
What does that mean?
- Well, um...
We were seeing each other
for, like, a month,
and it was Christmastime,
and he didn't have any money.
As usual. And, uh,
he saw this pair of pants...
that he really wanted,
that he somehow thought would
improve his life, : I don't know.
So what happened?
So he was hinting and hinting,
and so I finally went out
and bought him these pants.
- And I... I hid them in a box
under my bed.
- [Laughs]
I was really nervous.
'Cause, you know,
I didn't know... I didn't know
if he was gonna get me anything.
I didn't know if our...
our relationship...
- was in the present-giving
stage or not.
- Mmm.
But I... I figured, fuck it,
you know.
It's nice to be giving.
It's nice to give him something.
So I will.
But, um, we never made it
to Christmas, 'cause a week
after I bought him these pants,
he started acting all panicky
and distant.
And then he said that he thought
we should cool it.
What?
What's the matter?
Mmm?
Have you... Have you
gotten that checked?
Did you see a doctor?
No. I forgot.
How could you forget?
You know, it could be
cancerous or something.
I forgot, okay?
I'll... I'll see somebody next week.
No, you won't. You always
say you're gonna do things
and then you never do them.
Laura, I don't always
say anything. I...
God!
Who do you think you are?
Do you think I have no feelings?
No, I know you have feelings.
I just don't want you to die
from a birthmark.
Yeah? Well, it's...
It's my birthmark.
All right? It's my body.
- You know, this isn't even
about the birthmark, is it?
- It is.
It is. That's all...
That's all it's about.
Are you sure?
I'm sorry.
- [Screams]
- What? What! What! What!
- What is it?
- God, I don't know.
- Jesus Christ!
- I'm sorry.
You know, you've got me
walking on eggshells!
I can't even kiss you...
without thinking that
I'm doin' something wrong,
and then you scream like that!
Is that what you mean by
spicing up our sex life?
- I didn't scream.
- Yes, you did scream.
Okay, I screamed. But it
wasn't in disgust. Come on,
come back. Honey, come on.
Frank?
What happened?
He's moving out.
He's going to stay at a friend's.
What friend?
Fuck if I know.
He has no friends.
Uh, I can't believe
this is happening.
Honey, is this
because of that patient
that you're attracted to?
Wha... No!
I'm just a total
fucking mess.
Where... Where were you
the other night when I came by?
Frank... Frank thought
you were with me.
I know.
I was with a guy.
You know him.
He's the guy...
He's the guy... waiter
from the restaurant, that place.
You were with the waiter
who flirts with you?
- It wasn't like that.
- [Scoffs]
He was nice and he was
funny and he was an actor.
He was a bad actor.
He was a real bad actor.
Not that I know about
that kind of thing,
but he seemed like
a really bad actor to me, anyway.
- [Laughing]
- Are you serious?
Well, I really don't
need you judging me.
I knew you
wouldn't understand.
You think getting married
is the be-all and end-all
to life, and it's not.
I don't understand, Laura.
I...
You have some great guy
at home mooning over
your fucking socks,
and you're out sleeping
with some stupid actor?
Who said I was
sleeping with anybody?
I went to a play!
Forget it. Okay?
Just forget I ever said
anything. Just forget it.
- Bye-bye.
- Don't.
- Forget it.
- [Phone Rings]
- Hello?
- [Man] How you doin', baby?
- You wanna get fucked, don't you?
- Hello?
Bend over. Bend over.
I'm comin' over there.
Oh, man, you're so hot.
Oh, I know you're hot!
Oh, oh...
Laura. Laura, I just got
an obscene phone call.
- So hang up.
- I did. I'm creeped.
[Phone Rings]
[Sighs]
[Ringing Continues]
- What, pervert?
- [Heavy Breathing]
- Are you there?
- I want you to take those
clothes off. I'm comin' over.
- Oh, I really want...
- Who is this?
Oh, come on, I'm comin'!
[Moaning]
[Slams Receiver]
[Line Ringing]
- Hello?
- Andrew, it's me.
- Are you back?
- No, I'm in the country.
Listen, I'm really scared.
- I just got two obscene
phone calls, and...
- So? Come on.
- I didn't think they had 'em
in the country!
- Of course they do!
- What if he comes here?
- Aw, c'mon! He's not gonna do that.
Listen, it's only an hour
on the train. Please.
- I hope he calls back.
- I don't.
What do you mean?
That's what I came here for.
I hate those sickos.
They're the lowliest,
slimiest... Hello, cookies!
Mmm. Papa likes.
I mean, it's one thing
to be sexually deviant,
but to hide behind the phone
like that, hey.
- [Phone Rings]
- Okay.
- C'mon. Hold that.
- Okay. Sound mean.
[Spitting]
- Hello?
- [Click]
- He hung up.
- Ah, good!
- Let's star 69 him.
- Yeah. [Laughs]
Oh, boy!
You got a rotary phone.
[Laughs]
Okay. First of all, you licked
my goddamn ears too much.
- Oh, shit! I thought
you liked that!
- [Clearing Throat]
No. It was wet, it was nasty
and it wasn't sexy at all.
- And I didn't like it.
- [Laughing] Oh, God!
- Yeah.
- How humiliating.
- See? I told you.
- You wanna know what you did
that drove me crazy?
- In a good way?
- [Laughs] Yeah, you wish.
You used to stick your finger
in my belly button.
Why would you do that, man?
God, it was so annoying. It even hurt.
[Laughing]
- I never did that.
- Yes, you did.
You're thinking
of somebody else.
I'm sorry!
I am!
- I'm serious... That's my...
- Ohh!
- Shh!
- You shush. This is my house.
[Laughing Loudly]
Ohhh?
Your house?
Okay.
Tell me something
you liked. Hmm?
That's more embarrassing.
- Exactly.
- Okay.
I liked the way
that you kissed like me.
You kissed good.
- I did?
- Yeah.
Don't you think we kissed good?
- Yeah. [Giggles]
- Huh!
- Let's go swimming! Yes, yes!
- Oh, swimming.
Oh, oh, swimming. Aaah!
- [Amelia Laughing]
- Hello.
[Andrew]
Swimmin'! Whoo!
[Whooping]
Aah. Ouch!
- Ohh!
- It's cold. It's cold!
- Hey! Hey!
- [Laughing]
- Oh, it's cold!
- Agh!
Ooh, it feels great.
[Panting]
Aaah.
- It's cold.
- Oh, look at the moon.
- Oh.
- [Howls]
- [Howls]
- Oh, so many stars.
We don't have any stars
in New York. We should
be able to see stars.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Sometimes.
[Blowing Bubbles]
- So did your phone
ever get cut off?
- No.
I got that, uh, paid.
So... taken care of.
[People Conversing Quietly]
[Continues]
[Amelia]
What's goin'on?
What happened?
- [Woman]
I've seen this cat.
- Oh, my God!
[Man]
It's probably her cat.
[Woman]
It must be her cat.
[Sobbing]
Big Jeans! Oh, God.
I'm sorry. He fell...
He fell out of the window.
I know, I know.
Somebody call 911. Betsy?
- What happened?
- He fell. He fell out
of the window, and it's over.
[Kind Woman]
To be honest with you,
Bobo was my best friend.
- I mean, I'm not kidding.
For 18 years.
- Mmm. They listen.
- They do.
- Sweet little angels.
Never let you down.
Always there for you.
Never asking for
anything for themselves.
[Laura, Frank On Machine]
Hi, we're not here.
So leave a message. Bye.
- I thought of her more as a person.
- Ah.
Never should have let her
go out on the windowsill.
You let her go out
on the windowsill?
- She liked it.
- Of course she did.
I don't want you to worry,
because we are not gonna leave...
until you feel better.
That's okay, really. I don't
think I'm gonna be feeling
better for quite some time.
- We won't budge.
- I'm free for the rest
of the afternoon, so...
Actually, you know...
[Sighs]
I... I'm feeling better. Isn't that...
Isn't that odd?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I haven't
called you back.
- Can I talk to you?
- W... Yeah. Yeah.
Of course you can.
Come in. Sure.
Sit down.
- Is that my shirt?
- Oh. Yeah. Here.
Is this the way you return
things you borrow? I mean,
do you do this on purpose...
to get me mad or something?
Dry-clean it.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's not... No.
Um, Laura. Big Jeans, uh...
Big Jeans is dead.
She jumped out the window.
What?
God. Why didn't you
call me?
I did. I just...
I didn't want to leave it
on your machine.
It's all my fault, you know.
I... I let her out on the windowsill.
And, uh...
And the chemo, radiation
must've made her weak.
I mean, you were right.
I never should have
put her through that.
Don't be crazy.
She fell.
Besides, you said
she was getting better.
She wasn't.
She wasn't.
You don't know. I mean,
you hardly ever saw her.
[Sighs]
I have a life, Amelia.
I have a life.
I know you have a life.
What was I supposed to do?
Just not move out, so you and I
could live with our cat...
for the rest of our lives?
Jesus, things change.
I had her cremated.
I have a lot
of work to do.
I know. Hey.
I'm so sorry about Big Jeans.
I really am.
- Thanks.
- I have a problem.
I need your help.
The girl from California...
she's here.
- So? So what?
What am I gonna do?
- Actually, I've worked that out.
You see, I'm supposed
to meet her downstairs
for lunch in 15 minutes.
I was thinking you could come
with me, you know, and I could
introduce you as my girlfriend.
You know, like we got back
together or something.
The actual details of that
aren't as important as...
Andrew, there is no way I'm
gonna do that to that girl. Why
don't you tell her the truth?
[Scoffs]
I can't. I can't.
She wants...
She wants to stay with me.
She thinks, like, we're gonna
have a relationship or something.
Gee, I wonder why
she thought that.
Look. Are you gonna
help me or not?
- Not! I'm staying right here.
- Please, please.
Come on, Amelia.
It's not that big a deal. She's nice.
I don't wanna hurt her feelings.
I just feel like...
You should have thought
of that before, Andrew. Good luck.
[No Audible Dialogue]
I wanna talk to you about something.
I really feel bad about this.
I never really
saw any devils.
I'm sorry.
You can fire me if you want to.
Why did you tell me
you saw devils if you didn't?
Because my problems are stupid,
and I... I know I gotta
be really crazy...
to come and see you for free,
so I made the stuff up
about the devils.
I figured that's what a real
wacko would say. Right?
- Hi.
- Hi.
[Sighs]
[Sighs]
- This is crazy.
- Yeah.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too.
[Chuckles]
I got something for you.
You do? Now?
Yeah.
Oh, Frank, I don't
deserve a present.
No, no. You deserve it.
It's kind of personal.
I think you'll like it.
Open it up.
What is this?
[Snickering]
Is this your mole?
This is your mole.
You gave me
your fucking mole.
I had it removed
and biopsied.
And, uh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- Are you relieved?
- So you gave it to me in a box?
Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
It's funny. I thought
you'd like it. It's a joke.
No, it's not a joke.
It's the most passive-aggressive
thing you've ever done.
Oh, come on.
You don't think that's funny?
No, I don't think it's funny, Frank!
I think it's disgusting.
I thought we were here
to try and talk.
Okay. Fine.
Give me back my mole.
- Oh, now you want it back?
- Yeah. I want it back.
- You want your mole back?
- Yes, give me back my mole!
Gladly.
- So, how are you?
- I'm good.
I'm real good.
Bill, I feel really bad
about what happened.
I liked you. I wanted
to see you again.
Well, you know.
It worked out for the best.
I got back together
with my old girlfriend.
Oh.
- That's good.
- Yeah. We're gonna go watch
dwarf bowling tonight.
Her father
got us tickets.
- Dwarfs bowling?
- No. It's like, uh...
No. People bowl
with dwarfs.
Like, they pick 'em up and
use 'em as bowling balls. It's great.
- That's sick.
- No, no, no. The dwarfs like it.
I've seen it before.
My girlfriend's really into it.
You checkin' these out?
Yeah.
Hey. You're early.
- I got you something.
- What?
You wouldn't believe
the humiliation I had to
withstand to rent them.
- I got them from Bill.
- You saw Bill?
- Yeah.
- I've seen these.
- Fuck you.
- I'll see 'em again! They're good.
So tell me what happened
with Virginia.
It was awful. I didn't
even remember what she
really looked like.
Not that she was ugly
or anything. Just...
You know, not
what I was picturing.
What were you picturing?
I don't know.
Nothing.
Nobody, I guess.
I told her the truth,
though. I told her that
an in-person relationship...
was more than I could
handle right now.
Which isn't really the truth,
but she bought it.
[Chuckles]
God, she must have been pissed.
As she was leaving,
I said, "I'll call you. "
Oh, my God.
I am such an asshole.
I'm gonna write her a letter.
I feel really bad.
Hey... Mmm.
- Andrew.
- Hmm?
I still have
the black pants.
What black pants?
The black pants.
The black pants I bought you
that made you panic
and break up with me.
God.
What are you
talking about?
- [Laughing]
- I asked for these? They don't fit!
I'm getting fat.
When did you buy these?
If they fit back then,
they should fit now.
[Spanish Accent]
You like? Very, very macho, no?
- [Laughing]
- I think so.
[Grunting]
[Knock At Door]
- Who is it?
- [Laura] Help.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
She just kept spraying
and curling, spraying, curling,
spraying, curling,
spraying...
And your makeup.
I know. I look
like a drag queen.
Did you really
pay for this thing?
No, you only pay if they do it
at your wedding. Ow!
God, what did you tell them
you wanted to look like?
Like BabyJane!
What do you think I told them? Ow.
So, I guess you guys
made up.
[Groans]
I tried.
He gave me his... Ow.
Mole.
In a box.
Oh, well, clearly you're not
gonna get married then.
Yeah, wouldn't you
be thrilled.
What?
Nothing.
You think I don't want
you to get married?
You know what?
Brush your hair yourself.
- What just happened?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Well, I do.
What's your problem?
My problem? My problem,
Laura, is that you're different. Okay?
How?
We used to talk
about things!
You used to need me,
for Christ's sake.
When something happens
to me now, good or bad, I tell you.
When something good or bad
happens to you, you tell Frank.
It feels unfair.
Amelia. I need you.
Not in the same way.
Okay.
You're right.
You're right. I don't call you
ten times a day like I used to.
And I don't tell you every
single thing that happens to me
because I do have Frank.
But does that make me
a bad friend because
I don't need you...
when you want me
to need you?
- Fine.
- Aah!
You know, when I do call you,
it's not enough?
And if I do see you,
that's not enough. Nothing
is ever enough for you!
It's like when Frank and I
got engaged,
you decided that I don't
care about you anymore,
and that is just not true.
I didn't decide anything.
What did I do wrong?
I know you're busy.
I know that you're having
problems with Frank.
I do. I know that.
But you're so wrapped up
in what's happening to you,
that you don't even know
what I'm going through.
Stop for a second and think
of what it's like for me!
That's all I want.
Okay.
What is it like
for you?
Hard.
Sad.
I miss you.
What's it like
for you?
It's lonely.
- I'm really lonely.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I love you.
Oh, God.
I love you.
- I slept with Andrew.
- You what?
It was fun.
[Pop]
- Hi.
- Hey, how's it hangin'?
Uh, good.
Is Frank here?
Oh, I've been traveling
lf these are tears
Let them fall
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
- Ahh.
- [Everyone Laughs]
What did you wish for?
I wished for a few more
healthy years.
You know, I might get it.
It's hereditary.
Yes, you might.
I've sworn off porno,
and I'm going crazy.
- So watch some.
- No. Don't want to.
I'll be right back.
How are ya?
You having fun?
I can't remember who I'm talking to
in the middle of my sentence.
[Laughs]
I can't remember people
in my own family.
- Do you remember me?
- You're my son.
Yeah, I'm your son.
[Chuckles, Sniffles]
[Sighs]
Do you want something
to drink? I was gonna
go get something...
No. No. No, thanks.
You know, it's nice.
Everyone came to my party.
Look at
Aunt Cynthia's dress.
What do you think
she was thinking?
Looks like the same dress...
she wore to your mother's
college graduation 40 years ago.
That I remember.
Is it?
Really?
That's an old dress.
[Andrew]
I like the flowers.
The flowers are especially nice.
Sixteen more hours.
Do you want a turn?
- This is nice.
- Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
Oh, my God.
Aah!
Sure and pure
- [Continues]
- Is Andrew here?
Yeah. You should see him.
He's wearing a suit. I think
he got it from his Bar Mitzvah.
[Sighs]
What's gonna happen
with you guys?
I don't know.
I'm not sure I want it
to go anywhere.
You know.
It is Andrew.
- You were obsessed with Andrew.
- I was.
- Right. You were.
- Turn around.
[Exhales]
Have you seen Frank?
Is he alone?
No, he had some, um,
very weird guy with him.
Oh, Rick.
Good. Good.
Come here.
[Exhales]
- Must I paint you a picture
- Wow.
= About the way that I feel
- You don't look fine.
- I don't?
- No, you look beautiful.
My love for you
is strong, girl
- You know my love for you is real
- Are you ready?
- I'm wearing a shower curtain.
- I won't tell anyone.
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
[Country Pop]
As I wait for sleep
to drag me under
In the evening gloom
I sit and wonder
Words I should have said
to you
The things I always
meant to do
The bad dreams
all came true
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
When I think of how
we were together
You know we couldn't
be like that forever
Beneath the seven
sisters stars
The night we let it
go too far
I slept out in the car
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
I remember skipping
'round the porch
Till it grew cold
I remember feelin'
like I was
Eight years old
Somersaults
across the lawn
Singin; dancin'
Up till dawn
Every now and then
we'd have a row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood
Where is it coming from
All around
What are you running from
Something
you don't understand
Something
you cannot command
That's how I know
That she's got a new spell
Yeah, that's how I know
That she's got a new spell
What's going down
Who's moved this rope
from around me
Where has it gone
I fear this night
will drown me
So I lie awake all night
'Cause I can't sleep
with something I can't fight
And she's got a new spell
Yeah, that's how I know
That she's got a new spell
The laws of gravity
are very, very strict
And you're just bending them
for your own benefit
- [Girl #1]
Looks like a disgusting animal.
- [Girl #2] Ah.
[Girl #1]
Look, there's the nose and those
two round things are the ears.
- You guys!
- And that's the hair.
Yeah. Let me... Oh, God,
that's a big condom.
He has a big penis.
- [Page Turning]
- Ah!
She's getting ready
to strip.
- Mmm. Where's his head?
- I don't know.
- [Page Turning]
- Here's something. Eeew!
Eeew!
- What kind of underwear is that?
- I think it's sick.
Ugh. He's grabbing
her boobs. That's disgusting.
Sorry. Hi.
- Hi. I ordered for you.
- Oh, great.
[Man]
How you doin'?
You want some coffee?
- Yes. Please.
- Excuse me.
I had wanted some coffee.
Sure thing.
Something's wrong
with Big Jeans.
She looks waxy and snotty,
and she threw up and wouldn't eat.
Oh, but that's a cat,
you know. Cats throw up
hair balls all the time.
I know, but I made
an appointment at the vet's
this morning anyway.
- So will you come?
- Oh, God. I can't. I've
got that client at 9:00.
- That's okay.
- I'll split it with you.
- Good.
- No home fries today?
- No, thanks.
- You sure?
Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks.
All right.
- Don't even smile at him.
It gives him hope.
- Sorry.
- But he's not that bad today.
- Oh.
- She's a fat thing, isn't she?
- [Chuckles]
She should be put on a diet.
It's unhealthy for a cat
to be that fat.
I know, but, you know.
Life is short. She likes to eat.
[Sighs]
I'm gonna take some blood.
Then we'll know more.
We'll get the results
in a couple of days.
Could you hold her, please?
Okay.
Look at me, kitty.
You look at me.
You little cat.
She's always tellin' me
I smell bad.
Ten seconds after I take
a shower, she tells me I stink!
I can't help it if I stink
even when I'm clean.
It just proves
it's not my fault.
Why do you think
she's always hurting your feelings?
I don't know.
I don't think she likes me.
She's your wife.
Let's assume she likes you.
- But a lot of husbands and wives
don't like each other.
- That's true.
I got this little voice
tellin' me she's mad at me,
but I don't know why.
A little voice?
- What little voice?
- The voice of the devil.
I see him too.
What... What... What does
the devil look like?
Like in the cartoons.
Little and red and mean.
You know what?
I'm really proud of myself.
You know why?
I never let myself be alone.
I always think I need to be
with somebody, but I don't.
I mean, right after Carrie
I immediately met Debbie; right
after Debbie I was with you.
And then I had that demented
relationship with that girl
in my group.
It's not funny.
I been talking on the phone
lately with this woman
I met in California.
She's a bellhop.
I know. She likes me.
I mean, I can tell
she really likes me.
But, uh, I just
want to be her friend.
That's it, you know?
I'm not gonna let it evolve
into anything more.
It's not what I need
right now.
Good. I think, you know, it'll
be really good for you to be
by yourself for a while.
I have to hurry. I have
my Alzheimer's meeting
in a half an hour.
All right. So, um, what
are you gonna do tonight?
I rented some videos.
Probably just gonna watch them.
- You?
- Nothing. Probably rent also.
"Big-breasted Babes"?
Ha-ha. Very funny.
- I don't have any cash. I need...
Can I have some money?
- Oh, my God, Andrew.
Thank you.
Oh, honey.
This is so ugly.
- Isn't it?
- Yes. This is your most gross yet!
Jesus. You designed this?
- This lived in your mind.
- Shoot me.
[Laughs]
God, I love this one.
Oh. Um, um, Rick called.
Rick?
- Said you never called him back.
- Yeah, I know. I just...
- What?
- Ah, I don't really like hangin'
out with that guy anymore.
I mean, he still does
bong hits in the bathroom.
Yeah, but, honey, don't you
think you should at least try
to keep up your friendships?
I mean, you know, you might
get sick of me one day,
- and you're gonna have
no friends left.
- That will never happen.
How about this one, Amelia?
Bugs that latch
onto people's flesh and
make their insides explode.
- Sure.
- You don't like
those kind of movies?
I love 'em
if they're well done.
- How's your job goin'?
- Good.
Good. I'm doing, uh,
most of the editing now.
And I hired a couple
of new people.
- You're a writer, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- How's it goin' for you?
- Badly.
I'm startin' to think
I should learn how to operate
a forklift or something.
- Here, I'll rent this.
- It's a great choice.
Let's see here.
555-6972.
- Good memory.
- Yeah. What do you say
we go out sometime?
Maybe see a movie.
Um. I'm so busy.
Um. You know.
All right.
All right. I hear ya.
- Uh, take care.
- Okay, I'll see you.
Shit.
[Urinating]
[Laughs]
- Here.
- Whoa.
I got it.
Here.
- How... seductive.
- [Chuckles]
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
I, uh...
Will you marry me?
[Gasps, Laughs]
Jesus Christ!
I don't believe...
- I don't believe it.
- I, um... I designed it.
And th-then they made it
for me at work.
- The... Um. You can
have the stone reset, though.
- R-Really?
- Yeah.
- [Laughs]
Oh, God. It's so beautiful.
It's beautiful. It's so beautiful.
- Y-You haven't answered me.
- Oh, God! God!
I would love
to be your wife.
Oh, my God.
How am I gonna tell Amelia?
Well, I've been doing
a lot of thinking lately,
and I've decided...
that I think I want to,
um, end therapy.
Why?
- Tell me.
- Well, I... I don't know.
I just feel like it's time.
You know, I...
I feel like I want to go at it
alone for a while.
I mean, here I am,
completely single,
and I'm not so depressed
about it.
And it's hard with Laura
being so grotesquely in love,
but I'm still okay.
And it's been forever
since I've been obsessed with anyone.
So I think I'm doin'
a lot better in that area.
How are things with Andrew?
Great. I mean I...
I never thought that
we could be friends.
And now I'm
totally over him.
Mmm.
Well, why don't we pick
a time to stop, and then
work towards that?
Okay.
I was thinking a month.
One more month?
Okay.
- Hey, the video store guy
asked me out again.
- He did?
I said no.
He's really ugly.
Oh, Freddie de Salvo and
Andy Frumpkin were ugly,
and that didn't stop ya.
- Hey. I was 13. I was ugly.
- Honey, you were never ugly.
You were hairy.
[Laughs]
Oh, I think you should do it.
Maybe he's nice.
Maybe he isn't, but
at least if he's ugly
you'll have the upper hand.
- I mean there's no risk.
- That's sick.
- You guys pity me.
- [Together] Nah.
[Laughs]
Oh, my God, what's that?
It's so fake looking!
It looks like a Barbie ring,
Frank.
It's... It's, uh...
It's not fake. Frank gave it to me.
- Oh, I know. I mean, it's one of
your jokes, right? From work.
- Uh-uh.
- We're engaged.
- Yeah.
We're gonna get married.
Whoa. Ha!
You're engaged?
Wow! That is...
That's unbelievable!
That's great news.
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
I thought that i-it was
one of your jokes from work.
No! No, it's,
uh, okay.
Hey. We could have it
at the lake house.
I mean, I'll ask my mom.
- But wouldn't that be great?
- That would be perfect.
I think this would be
a really bad time to stop.
Well, Amelia, I'm sorry
to say this, but I...
I think it's too late. I...
I've already filled your slot.
- You filled my slot?
- Yes.
And...
I think you wanting to go it
alone was a positive step.
Shall we stick to that?
- Hi.
- Hi. How're you doin'?
I'm doin' all right.
How are you doin'?
- What are you up to?
- Not much.
Well, I get off in a little
while. Can I talk you
into Freak Show Seven?
There's a late show.
[Groans]
[Movie:
Continuous Screaming]
You know, we could've
left the movie if it
was makin' you sick.
I couldn't stop watching it.
It was so gross.
Yeah, it was a good one.
Look at this.
I once... I once
put makeup like this
on my little brother.
Made it look like his
cheeks were falling off,
and he was scared shitless.
He was just in the bathroom,
like, crying, looking into...
in the mirror,
begging me
to take it off.
- That was pretty funny.
- That's fucked up.
[Laughs]
You think?
I was young.
How's your stomach?
- Not great.
- Mmm. Maybe this'll help.
It probably would
if I could stop thinking
about that talking forehead.
- Oh, man.
- I hear you.
My best friend's
getting married.
It's probably
what's making me sick.
Mmm.
[Sighs]
Mmm. How's that?
Good.
Better.
Thanks.
Good. I actually
feel inspired to do some writing.
- Oh!
- I... If I feel it...
If I feel inspired,
- I should try to do some work.
- Okay.
- It's kinda late anyway.
- Yeah.
- All right. Well, thanks.
- Yeah. Uh...
It was fun.
Yeah, it was.
I'll call you.
Okay. All right.
Bye.
Good night.
Hi. It's me.
Anyone? Anyone?
Anyone? Are you guys
there?
What, are you screening?
Pick up.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This sponge that I'm washing
dishes with is unbelievable.
It... Oh, my God.
It smells like a hot dog.
It's disgusting.
And I can't stop smelling it.
[Sniffs]
Are you gonna pick up?
Okay. All right, then.
Okay. Bye-bye.
- Don't you have work?
- Not today. I'm going to a meeting.
- Which? Overeaters?
- Alzheimer's.
Oh. How is your dad?
Not so good.
You know, you go to your
Coping With Alzheimer's meetings
more than you see your dad.
I'm gonna see him
next week. Maybe you'd
like to come with me?
- Queens?
- Yeah.
I've been talking to that
woman in California...
on the phone a lot lately.
You know, the one
I told you about?
Yeah. So?
We, uh,
talk on the phone...
for long... long...
long... long...
periods of time.
- Oh, God. Ohh.
- And...
Don't tell me this.
She talks and you jerk off.
And the other way around.
You should hear the noise she makes.
- I don't wanna hear this.
- [Phone Ringing]
Classifieds. I don't know.
Could you hold, please?
- We never did that.
- We didn't have to.
- We lived in the same city.
- I thought you said you weren't
gonna get involved with anyone.
I'm not involved.
We talk on the phone. That's it.
I live in New York.
She lives in California.
- What's her name?
- Virginia.
I'm probably never gonna
call her again anyway.
- So it's sort of a moot point.
- Oh, that's nice.
You've had phone sex
with this girl, and you're
never gonna call her again.
You're an asshole.
Don't call me
an asshole.
- Well, does she know
how you feel?
- What?
That that's it.
Oh. I don't know.
I've been thinking
about my son a lot lately.
- I didn't know you had a son.
- Yes, you did.
Remember you suggested
I send him a card
a couple of months ago?
- Oh. Right. God.
- Well, so...
I called him,
and I headed out there.
But as soon as I sat down
on the bus, I knew it
would be a mistake.
You know how I knew?
Because right there, on that
shiny pole that you hang onto,
was a little red devil,
smiling right at me
and laughin' at me.
The devil. And... And
that would be the same
devil you mentioned before?
Then I looked out,
and he was on the tip of my shoe.
She was coming on to me
so strong.
And I didn't really
feel anything.
But then she...
She started to touch me.
I felt aroused. Still, I-I didn't
want it to go any further.
I mean, she thought I did, because...
Well, I mean, she could see.
It was so fucked up.
I never should have called her,
but I feel weird not wanting
to go out with some girl.
You know, I feel like
there's something wrong with me
if I don't want any sex.
You know what I'm saying?
Y-You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm a bad therapist.
Do you hear me? I am a bad therapist.
- Who am I gonna bring
to your wedding?
- I am making these people worse.
- [Dog Barking]
- Everyone in your family's
gonna wonder...
why I don't have a boyfriend;
your brother thinks I'm a lesbian.
You slept with my brother.
How could he think you're a lesbian?
Come on. Do you really care
what my brother thinks? Do you?
Hmm. No.
I have a crush
on one of my patients.
What?
What do you mean?
I mean...
This is not funny.
- I mean a crush, like I
want to fuck one of them.
- [Inhales]
Oh, my God.
You mean my shrink
could want to fuck me?
- Hello, this isn't about
you. This is about me.
- You're right.
We did some tests,
and the news is not good.
Big Jeans has cancer.
It looks like it started
in the lungs and, uh,
spread to the brain.
Now, some people
may not opt for this,
but you could do
a series of chemotherapy
and radiation treatments.
It's very expensive.
It may work. It may not work.
She's 14.
She's not young.
She's had a...
a happy life.
Maybe the best thing
would be to put her down.
- Okay.
- No, I mean down. I mean...
I-I mean
put her to sleep.
I...
I can't do that.
I mean, maybe the treatments
will work.
It's gonna be
expensive, Amelia.
- You're cold.
- I am... All right,
I'll split it with you.
Okay?
- That looks familiar.
- Well, she's lending it to me.
- She's got a date.
- A date?
It's not a date.
- It's the ugly guy.
- [Laura Laughs]
Well, if it's the ugly guy,
then why are you wearin'the sexy top?
- That is such a good point.
- Fuck you both.
Okay, I have no clothes,
and he's taking me to some
weirdo convention.
- Lookit, honey. See the pigs?
- Mm-hmm.
- I designed them for you.
- I'm touched. Listen, Frank.
Did you call the guys
that you said you were gonna invite?
- No.
- Why not?
- What do you mean, why not?
- I mean, why not?
Why didn't you do it?
'Cause I didn't.
I'll do it. Shut up about it.
- I'm not gonna shut up
about it. Look at all...
- You guys fight? Cool.
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
Oh, my God. That's the monster
from Basket Case.
It's incredible.
I-I got a book at home,
tells how that was made.
It's... Mmm.
- You're being a very good sport.
- Thanks.
So what's your, um,
screenplay about?
It's based on the life
of Colette.
Wow. Are you kidding?
No. Why?
Nothing. I just...
You know.
I thought you'd be writing
about people stabbing each other
or something. Right?
These people
make great stuff.
This is... I mean,
you got to, you know,
sort of have a...
a certain frame of mind
to appreciate it,
but I think that, you know,
doctors who operate
on the human body,
they think it's beautiful,
and it's...
It's the same with, you know,
people who make this stuff.
It's... I... I think
there's something...
really poetic
about it all, : It's art.
Something even, you know,
erotic about it.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- She's cute.
- What's up, fellas?
- Hi.
I heard what you said
Your words will live forever
in my head
- [Continues]
- [Sneezes]
- [Exhales]
Do you have a cat?
- Yeah. Are you allergic?
- Yeah, extremely.
- She's over there.
Oh. She doesn't
look too good.
She, um... She had her first
chemotherapy appointment today.
- She's, uh... She has cancer.
- [Chuckles]
Really? Is that...
Uh, do cats get cancer?
[Laughs]
I'm sorry. I know
that's not funny. It just...
[Laughs]
No. I'm...
No. Go ahead. Laugh.
She's... dying, that's all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll stop.
My old girlfriend had
three cats, and I was
really nice to all of them.
How long were you
with your old girlfriend?
Three years.
Lived together
for two of them.
You ever live
with anyone?
No. I... Which, I...
I guess is a good thing,
'cause then I never
had to move out from anyone.
Or vice versa.
[Exhales]
[Laughs]
What are you looking at?
You're really pretty.
Thanks.
I... I mean you
look like...
like you really
need to hear it.
- Gee.
- I know. That's okay.
That's not a bad thing
to want.
Um, Bill.
I'm not...
I'm not sure if I...
[Phone Ringing]
[Water Running]
[Answering Machine Beeps]
[Laura] Hi, it's me.
I guess you're still out with...
What is his name, anyway?
You always just call him the ugly guy.
God, I can't believe
you're still out with him.
Does this mean he'll give you
free video rentals?
Call me. Bye.
[Beep]
[Rewind Button Clicks]
[Sneezes]
What about flippin' in
the old diaphragm, huh?
Okay.
- What?
- What is that?
- I... I don't know.
- You've never seen it before?
- Nope. Uh-uh.
- Never?
God, you should see a doctor.
- Yeah, I will.
- You will? It looks weird.
- Yeah, I know.
- Good.
- Wanna play a round?
- Yeah. I just said I did.
- Aw. I'm gonna whup your ass.
I'm gonna whup your ass!
- [Laughing]
- You're down a hundred points.
- I'm not down a hundred points.
You lie.
I'm not kidding you.
I didn't... I didn't care
at all about his looks.
I mean, I totally
forgot them.
He has beautiful skin.
I don't know.
He kissed great.
- Mmm. What do you think?
[Laughs]
- I think that one is you.
- This is so hot.
- It's you. Let's get
if off immediately.
That saleswoman,
she really got my taste.
- Oh, before I forget...
- Yes?
- I got your shirt I borrowed.
- Oh, cool.
- Thank you very much. It worked.
- Did you wash that?
Um, yeah. But I
didn't... I didn't really
get to iron it though.
Amelia, it's supposed
to be dry-cleaned.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I wreck it?
No. I mean, yeah. But
don't worry about it.
[Laughs]
Okay. Come on.
Tell me. What was it
like in the morning?
Well, you know, uh,
we didn't really have a morning.
I mean, he's a writer,
and, uh, he's really dedicated.
I think... I think he
wanted to work. So it
ended sort of abruptly.
That doesn't necessarily
mean anything.
Really?
I feel terrible.
No. I'm t-totally serious.
Come on. He had a nice body?
You know that first stage
of having sex with someone...
when they could just touch you
and you...
Okay. I don't need
to hear any more.
Why, honey?
Is there a problem?
[Laughs]
Not at all. It's just,
uh, you know, it's not like
the first time or anything.
It's a little routine.
- All right, what do you think?
- Um...
- I think that one's fine.
- Fine? Why would I want
to look fine?
- I don't want to look fine.
- I'm sorry. You're right.
[Sighs]
I'm farting.
- I thought so.
- Yeah.
What are you reading?
Obsessive-compulsive Behavior...
in Children Who Are
Sexually Molested.
- Ooh. Sorry.
You come here all the time.
- Yeah.
- I'm Peter.
- I'm Laura.
Nice to finally
meet you, Laura.
- You too.
- So, um, are you, uh, an actress?
- Not even close. Why?
- Oh. I... I'm an actor.
- Oh.
- And I guess everybody I know is
either an actor or a model. So.
I'm actually a therapist.
Well, I'm actually studying
to be a therapist.
- I'm almost finished school.
- Well, my actor-model friends
all go see therapists, so...
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
You bite your nails.
That's sort of charming.
Yeah, and... and my toenails.
But I guess that would be
considered less charming.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I have to go.
- Can I have my check, please?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm not usually
this obnoxious.
But I... I'm in this play
for a couple of weekends,
and maybe you could
check it out.
- Good.
- Cool.
- Bye. See ya.
- Okay.
Look at his legs.
Look how they walk.
There's somethin'
wrong with you.
Will you just peek in
and give me some kind of,
you know, description?
Like, just tell me
what it looks like he's feeling?
What are you feeling?
- I feel like an idiot.
- Mmm. That's very interesting.
Why hasn't he called me,
Andrew? I mean, Jesus, look at him.
I thought for once
I could relax.
- I couldn't see his face.
- You didn't try.
- I did. I tried. I looked.
- Oh, my God.
What? Where
you goin'?
Oh, my God. Okay, let's go
in the coffee shop.
- No, I don't wanna.
- Please, Andrew. Please!
- No.
- I just want him to see me
with you. Please?
If you wanna talk to him,
go talk to him. I'm not
gonna play into this.
He's an asshole.
He should have called you.
- I'm goin' home.
- Why are you going home?
- I'm expecting a phone call.
- From who?
Virginia? I thought
you said you weren't
gonna talk to her again.
Yeah, I know, but I... Anyways,
I want to watch these videos.
- You should rent them from him!
- Yeah, so.
More porno?
You know, it's
an addiction, okay?
Do you understand the word
"addiction"? I don't feel
good about it, and you...
- Andrew. I don't think
it's hurting anyone. Okay?
- You don't?
- No.
- I mean, I know that, but...
it's nice of you
to say it.
You're sweet. In fact,
you're too sweet for him. Let's go.
Okay, but since you
have your arm around me,
I don't see why...
- we just can't walk
in for one second.
- Forget it. Forget it.
- Andrew, wait.
- No. I put my arm around you
because I felt like it!
Not to make some... some putz
who doesn't even have
the nerve to call you jealous!
Good-bye.
[Blowing Bubbles]
Come on.
- Hi. How we doin'?
- [Frank] Good.
Um, Ellen, I'm gonna have
the, uh, Caesar salad, and...
- Laura, what are you gonna have?
- I'll just have a slice of lemon
for my soda. Thanks.
- Sure.
- Why do you have to
do that all the time?
It's like you're... It's
like you're somebody out
of a TV show or something.
- What?
- Be so chummy with the waitress.
- I don't know. It's gross.
- I wasn't so chummy
with the waitress.
I called her by her name.
I call you by your name.
Do you think that's gross?
It's not the same thing.
You want everybody to like you.
You think I give a shit
if Ellen likes me?
- Yeah, I do.
- Why do you have to be
so controlling?
I mean, are you trying to control
the way I talk now?
- You think I'm controlling?
- [Scoffs]
[Blowing Bubbles]
[Urinating]
[Sighs]
God, I hate fighting.
We weren't really fighting.
[Phone Rings]
Okay, but I hate
whatever it was we were doing.
[Toilet Flushing]
[Answering Machine
Beeps]
- Listen to what I'm listening to.
- [Slow Love Song]
Music to slit
your wrists by.
[Sighs]
He still hasn't called me.
- [Continues]
- You think I intimidated
him or something?
Think he's too insecure
to call?
- Why do I still think of you
- Okay. Bye.
- Mmm.
- Hon. [Laughs]
- Mm-hmm.
- I thought you were gonna, uh,
do some of your jewelry
designs when we got home.
I was, but I'd rather do this.
Uh... Do you think maybe
we could change the order
of things once in a while?
I mean, it's just like, you know,
every time we have sex, we kiss.
A-And then you touch my tits
and then you... you kiss them.
And... And then I touch your dick
and then you touch me.
And, um, you know,
either one of us goes
down on the other one.
And then we fuck. You know,
it's not... I-It's not like
I don't like it or something.
It's just... You know.
Gets a little predictable.
You know? D-Do you
know what I mean?
You never used to screen
your calls.
You were probably
having routine sex.
[Continues]
Well, I didn't mean
for us to go to sleep.
Good night.
How do you know
What I feel
[Disguised Voice]
Hel... Hello?
Yes. Do you... Do you carry all
of Stanley Kubrick's films?
You do. And, uh, what time
do you close, please?
Thank you.
[Groans]
- Who's this?
- Ah, it's just my parents
92 years ago.
[Pop]
I wonder if I'll ever know
what it's like to not
break up with someone.
[Phone Rings]
Who's this?
[Chuckles]
Hello?
Hi! How are you?
- It's long distance.
- Oh.
Uh...
Nothin'.
[Laughs]
Just sittin' here.
You?
Yeah.
Look, I... I've got a friend over
right now, so I can't...
Hello? Hello?
That's weird.
- Was that her?
- Yeah.
Was she...
- Then? Was she...
- [Laughs]
No, she wasn't.
Thank God.
[Laughs]
Andrew?
Can I ask you something?
Mm-hmm.
Okay. I know...
you and I never
really talked about it...
I mean, not really.
But... what went wrong
with us?
I mean, did I do something
horrendous to, like, turn you off?
No. I...
[Exhales]
Why are you doing this?
Is this because of
the video store guy?
Come on. I can take it.
What was it?
Amelia, this is not
what you need right now.
How do you know
what I need right now?
- Because I'm your friend, that's how.
- Then answer me.
Y... You made me
too important.
But you were important
to me. I mean...
But too important, you know?
Like...
Like I was everything.
You weren't everything,
Andrew.
I know. But you had this way
of making me feel like that.
Great.
That's great.
You know, I'm gonna leave,
'cause I don't even...
I don't even know...
I don't even know how to do this!
- So I'm gonna go, okay? Bye.
- Amelia, wait.
- No.
- It's not like that. Just...
- Would you wait?
- Now you can call back Virginia.
Saved by
The interstate
New York
Is 3,000 miles away
And I'm not looking forward
to following through
But it's better than always
running back into you
I've closed my eyes
and my bank account
Bill! Bill, wait.
Take off
I don't believe this.
Well, I mean, what's wrong
with having an expectation?
I fucked the guy!
He should call me.
Right? There's nothing
wrong with that rule.
And now I can't even rent
any fucking videotapes,
which is all I liked to do
in the first place.
And Laura and Frank make me
sick! It's like they're
glued to each other!
I mean, they eat the same things.
Then they'll go on diets together.
I mean, I think they're
beginning to look alike. Like...
Like people and their dogs.
And I have only one
fucking session left with you!
Amelia,
you seem angry at me.
Look. If you and I went out,
we had a nice time,
we made love for hours,
and then you didn't call me,
it would be strange, right?
Interesting example you used.
You and I.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, you've been married
since you were like... 19.
You have no idea
what it's like out there.
Amelia. I hate to say this.
But I think you're
in some sort of denial.
The kindest thing you could do
is to put this guy to sleep.
- What are you resisting?
- "What am I resisting."
I guess I'm resisting the execution
of our cat. Is that so weird?
And listen, don't talk to me
like I'm one of your patients.
I'm your best friend.
That's your best friend?
- Shit, I forgot to make
my hair appointment.
- What, for your wedding?
- I'm gonna do your hair.
- No, I want someone
sort of special to do it.
I mean... I'm sorry.
I want somebody, you know,
to do something with this hair.
You know
how much I hate it.
So listen, are we
still planning to go to
Pennsylvania this weekend?
I think you guys should
come up, you know,
at least once before
the wedding, just to plan stuff.
- Yeah. Definitely.
- Okay. I'll talk to you later, then.
- Hi, Bill.
- Hi. How you doin'?
Um, fine.
Um, I was wondering...
do you have...
uh, Jaws in stock?
Yeah, I think so.
Haven't seen you around.
Where you been? You
haven't rented lately.
I've been... busy.
Yeah, we have Jaws
in stock. I'll go get it.
Here you go.
Uh, phone number?
555-6972.
Mmm.
Thanks.
See ya.
"Rented lately"?
Are you crazy? I had sex
with you two weeks ago,
and now you're asking me
why I haven't rented lately?
I don't know. I... I...
I didn't know what to say.
How about... How about,
"Why haven't you called me?"
How about that?
I was busy, okay?
Fine.
- Amelia, wait.
- Forget it.
No, wait. We'll finish this.
All right? 'Cause it's
not what you think.
Oh, no, it's never what I think.
I mean, that's what gets me
into these messes. Okay, what?
What is it? What is it?
I'm listening. What's the reason?
I know you... I know
you think I'm ugly.
- What?
- I know you referred to me
as "the ugly guy."
And I don't...
I don't need friends
who talk about me that way.
Okay? That's
why I didn't call you.
- I never... I don't know
why you think that.
- You got a message...
on your machine
when you were in the bathroom.
Some girl
was talkin' about me.
That's how I know.
- What message?
- I don't know. I erased it.
Can I go now?
Do you forgive me?
Laura. Are you there?
It's me. Pick up.
Look, I really need to talk
to you. Did you leave
a message on my machine...
about Bill being ugly?
Laura! Shit.
[Door Closes]
[Peter]
God, she could've given me
a hug or something.
- What're you talking about?
She's not your girl.
- So?
- She hurt me very, very bad.
- Badly.
Whatever, man!
You're so insensitive.
I'm sick of all your crap.
You're no friend to me.
You're an enemy.
Leave!
Begone!
This guy directing the play
is such an idiot.
He's a total putz.
He's really just a spoiled actor
who thinks he can direct.
And someone gave him the money.
I swear I don't know who.
And voila! He's
directing a play.
I said I'd do it,
just 'cause I need to work.
- Right?
- Right.
But what I really
want to do is write
and direct my own stuff.
- I'm sorry. I'm boring you.
- No. No!
I thought the play was good.
This is interesting to me.
I don't... I don't normally
hear this kind of stuff.
- Where are you from?
- New York.
What do you do
in your spare time?
I... Stuff.
- You got brothers or sisters?
- Why are you interviewing me?
'Cause I haven't shut up,
and I feel bad.
Oh, no. Don't. Oh.
- You put clear nail polish
on. That looks pretty.
- They... Th-Thank you.
- Peter. Unbelievable!
- Hey!
- You were so great!
- Peter, I gotta go. Bye.
- Stay! You sure you can't stay?
- Thanks. No. Yeah.
- Hi, Frank.
- Hi.
Is she here? I... I know
you guys screen your calls,
but I... I thought I would try...
She's not here. I thought
she was with you, and then...
I... I heard your message.
- Okay. Well, will you
tell her I came by?
- Yeah, I...
Are you okay?
You... Do you want to come in
and... and talk or something?
- I don't want to bug you.
- You're not buggin' me.
I... I'm just tryin'
to fold my laundry. Come on in.
Wow. What are these?
Ah, just some stuff
I've been workin' on.
They're beautiful.
- Are you stoned?
- Yeah. You want some?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's pretty strong.
[Laughs]
I know you think
I'm some kind of hack or something.
No, I don't. I just...
I've never... I've never
seen your stuff before.
I mean that... that you liked.
You know?
Yeah, well, I've been
trying to work on it more lately.
But, uh, I don't know
what to do. I...
I just started
getting back into it.
And they offered me
this new line at work,
designing a series of...
men's leisure rings.
[Laughs]
Yuck.
- What are those?
- Exactly.
Oh, man.
Now, that is just the...
teeniest, tiniest,
most adorable thing
I have ever seen.
She wears an eight.
[Giggles]
- What are you doing?
- What?
- You smelled your armpit.
- It comforts me.
- What?
- Try it. Hi.
- Stop! Hi, Ma.
- Andrew.
- Darling, am I late?
- Ma, this is Amelia.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Yes, hello, Amelia.
How do I look, Andrew?
I... I tried to pull myself together.
- You look good.
- I have an interview across town.
- What interview?
- I'm gonna take a job.
Part-time, maybe,
if I can get day care.
- Hey, Danny.
- Hi, Andrew!
- Look who's here.
- Hey, pretty girl!
- Have you missed your uncle?
- Danny, this is Amelia.
You don't know her.
- I don't know her?
- No.
- You're gonna tell me
I don't know this girl?
- You know me.
And, Danny, Andrew's
gonna take you for that
haircut we talked about.
- Okay. I'm ready.
- All right.
You know what I
just thought of?
It'll be a great idea
for the birthday party.
We should have cold cuts.
Corned beef.
It's been forever
since I've had juicy corned beef.
That sounds delicious.
That's a good idea.
You know, when Andrew was
a little boy, he used to hate to
get his hair cut. Didn't you?
But do you remember
what we did after your haircut?
I'd take you to the dump.
It was your favorite place to go.
We'd climb on top
of this huge mountain of stuff.
There were seagulls
flying all around. It stank!
But once we found a bicycle
there. Remember that?
- You know what I just thought of?
- [Amelia] What?
I think cold cuts
at the party would be great.
It's been ages since I've
had a juicy corned beef.
Sounds delicious.
It's a good idea.
- [Machine Beeps]
- I don't know what I'm doing
in this line.
I have like $32
in my account.
I thought you were gonna move
paintings for that rich guy.
I am.
That's next week.
What do you think? Could I
borrow a couple of bucks just
to get me through some bills?
- Sure. How much?
- Mmm. Couple hundred.
You know, your dad is
not as bad as I pictured.
No, he's great.
It's my mom who's pathetic.
Why? She
seemed nice.
You met her for five minutes
and you think you know her
better than I do?
Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
- You were rude.
It's none of your business.
You asked me
to come with you.
Thanks.
- I can pay you next week.
- Good. I'll need it.
Where you goin'?
I'm goin' home.
Where you goin'?
I was, uh... I was gonna go
to the phone company, pay my bill.
Okay. So I'll
see you later.
Wait a minute!
You're gonna pay your
phone bill with the money
I just gave you?
Yeah.
Are you crazy?
Give me back my money.
- Why? You lent it to me.
- Give it back to me, Andrew.
You are so low! You think
I'm gonna pay for you to have
phone sex with that girl?
- They're gonna cut off
my service if I don't...
- Give it back.
Give it back!
[Soft Love Song]
I can't believe that
you would say that on my machine.
- [Continues]
- What were you thinking?
Well, you didn't
even like the guy,
so I... I guess I was
thinking that he wouldn't
be in your apartment.
I do like him.
And now he doesn't
want to see me again.
I'm sorry I hurt his feelings.
I really am. I...
I mean, it didn't
really seem like he was
right for you anyway.
[Snickers]
Oh, well, now he isn't.
I'm sorry.
Do we really have to
listen to this vagina music
all the way there?
- Yes!
- Yes!
- This is amazing!
It's so beautiful.
- It's so beautiful.
This is where I thought
you could do it, maybe.
Yes. Definitely. This is perfect.
I love these two trees.
- Isn't it beautiful?
Yeah.
- It's beautiful!
No. I think it has to be
over here, you know.
I mean, if it's over here,
everyone's gonna have a much
better view, right?
Looking out onto the lake?
Yeah.
After the ceremony they're gonna
feel like havin' a drink,
and we can set the drinks up
right over there.
Oh, and the path.
They're gonna have a direct
path right to the tent.
And while they'll be in the tent
they can eat, drink, mingle.
Whatever. Go home.
Well, if they feel like
goin' home, then...
they'll be
right by their cars.
- [Chuckles]
- And what will they be feeling
as they're driving home?
- [Raspberry]
- No, she's right.
- Right. Okay.
- Right? I mean,
we're having it here.
- Why wouldn't we have it
facing the lake?
- I think so too.
- No. Absolutely.
- Of course. It's amazing.
Look, it's beautiful here.
- It's beautiful...
- Oh, my God, the light on your face.
- I mean, we have to pick a spot.
- What about... You know,
the dress will be kind of cool.
- Excuse me?
- [Both Chattering At Once]
Ladies? Excuse me.
Do I have a say
in all this?
- No.
- No.
- Are you goin' to the lake?
- Yeah. Aren't you comin'?
No, I can't. I'm being
evaluated on Monday.
- I have to be more prepared
for my sessions.
- Won't be the same without ya.
- Thank you.
- Have fun.
Andrew's a crack-up.
Didn't you guys go out for a while?
Yeah. Like,
eight months ago.
So what happened?
How come it didn't work out?
- Wanna know what happened?
I think I know what happened.
- What?
It didn't work out
because I bought him
this pair of black pants.
- [Laughing]
What does that mean?
- Well, um...
We were seeing each other
for, like, a month,
and it was Christmastime,
and he didn't have any money.
As usual. And, uh,
he saw this pair of pants...
that he really wanted,
that he somehow thought would
improve his life, : I don't know.
So what happened?
So he was hinting and hinting,
and so I finally went out
and bought him these pants.
- And I... I hid them in a box
under my bed.
- [Laughs]
I was really nervous.
'Cause, you know,
I didn't know... I didn't know
if he was gonna get me anything.
I didn't know if our...
our relationship...
- was in the present-giving
stage or not.
- Mmm.
But I... I figured, fuck it,
you know.
It's nice to be giving.
It's nice to give him something.
So I will.
But, um, we never made it
to Christmas, 'cause a week
after I bought him these pants,
he started acting all panicky
and distant.
And then he said that he thought
we should cool it.
What?
What's the matter?
Mmm?
Have you... Have you
gotten that checked?
Did you see a doctor?
No. I forgot.
How could you forget?
You know, it could be
cancerous or something.
I forgot, okay?
I'll... I'll see somebody next week.
No, you won't. You always
say you're gonna do things
and then you never do them.
Laura, I don't always
say anything. I...
God!
Who do you think you are?
Do you think I have no feelings?
No, I know you have feelings.
I just don't want you to die
from a birthmark.
Yeah? Well, it's...
It's my birthmark.
All right? It's my body.
- You know, this isn't even
about the birthmark, is it?
- It is.
It is. That's all...
That's all it's about.
Are you sure?
I'm sorry.
- [Screams]
- What? What! What! What!
- What is it?
- God, I don't know.
- Jesus Christ!
- I'm sorry.
You know, you've got me
walking on eggshells!
I can't even kiss you...
without thinking that
I'm doin' something wrong,
and then you scream like that!
Is that what you mean by
spicing up our sex life?
- I didn't scream.
- Yes, you did scream.
Okay, I screamed. But it
wasn't in disgust. Come on,
come back. Honey, come on.
Frank?
What happened?
He's moving out.
He's going to stay at a friend's.
What friend?
Fuck if I know.
He has no friends.
Uh, I can't believe
this is happening.
Honey, is this
because of that patient
that you're attracted to?
Wha... No!
I'm just a total
fucking mess.
Where... Where were you
the other night when I came by?
Frank... Frank thought
you were with me.
I know.
I was with a guy.
You know him.
He's the guy...
He's the guy... waiter
from the restaurant, that place.
You were with the waiter
who flirts with you?
- It wasn't like that.
- [Scoffs]
He was nice and he was
funny and he was an actor.
He was a bad actor.
He was a real bad actor.
Not that I know about
that kind of thing,
but he seemed like
a really bad actor to me, anyway.
- [Laughing]
- Are you serious?
Well, I really don't
need you judging me.
I knew you
wouldn't understand.
You think getting married
is the be-all and end-all
to life, and it's not.
I don't understand, Laura.
I...
You have some great guy
at home mooning over
your fucking socks,
and you're out sleeping
with some stupid actor?
Who said I was
sleeping with anybody?
I went to a play!
Forget it. Okay?
Just forget I ever said
anything. Just forget it.
- Bye-bye.
- Don't.
- Forget it.
- [Phone Rings]
- Hello?
- [Man] How you doin', baby?
- You wanna get fucked, don't you?
- Hello?
Bend over. Bend over.
I'm comin' over there.
Oh, man, you're so hot.
Oh, I know you're hot!
Oh, oh...
Laura. Laura, I just got
an obscene phone call.
- So hang up.
- I did. I'm creeped.
[Phone Rings]
[Sighs]
[Ringing Continues]
- What, pervert?
- [Heavy Breathing]
- Are you there?
- I want you to take those
clothes off. I'm comin' over.
- Oh, I really want...
- Who is this?
Oh, come on, I'm comin'!
[Moaning]
[Slams Receiver]
[Line Ringing]
- Hello?
- Andrew, it's me.
- Are you back?
- No, I'm in the country.
Listen, I'm really scared.
- I just got two obscene
phone calls, and...
- So? Come on.
- I didn't think they had 'em
in the country!
- Of course they do!
- What if he comes here?
- Aw, c'mon! He's not gonna do that.
Listen, it's only an hour
on the train. Please.
- I hope he calls back.
- I don't.
What do you mean?
That's what I came here for.
I hate those sickos.
They're the lowliest,
slimiest... Hello, cookies!
Mmm. Papa likes.
I mean, it's one thing
to be sexually deviant,
but to hide behind the phone
like that, hey.
- [Phone Rings]
- Okay.
- C'mon. Hold that.
- Okay. Sound mean.
[Spitting]
- Hello?
- [Click]
- He hung up.
- Ah, good!
- Let's star 69 him.
- Yeah. [Laughs]
Oh, boy!
You got a rotary phone.
[Laughs]
Okay. First of all, you licked
my goddamn ears too much.
- Oh, shit! I thought
you liked that!
- [Clearing Throat]
No. It was wet, it was nasty
and it wasn't sexy at all.
- And I didn't like it.
- [Laughing] Oh, God!
- Yeah.
- How humiliating.
- See? I told you.
- You wanna know what you did
that drove me crazy?
- In a good way?
- [Laughs] Yeah, you wish.
You used to stick your finger
in my belly button.
Why would you do that, man?
God, it was so annoying. It even hurt.
[Laughing]
- I never did that.
- Yes, you did.
You're thinking
of somebody else.
I'm sorry!
I am!
- I'm serious... That's my...
- Ohh!
- Shh!
- You shush. This is my house.
[Laughing Loudly]
Ohhh?
Your house?
Okay.
Tell me something
you liked. Hmm?
That's more embarrassing.
- Exactly.
- Okay.
I liked the way
that you kissed like me.
You kissed good.
- I did?
- Yeah.
Don't you think we kissed good?
- Yeah. [Giggles]
- Huh!
- Let's go swimming! Yes, yes!
- Oh, swimming.
Oh, oh, swimming. Aaah!
- [Amelia Laughing]
- Hello.
[Andrew]
Swimmin'! Whoo!
[Whooping]
Aah. Ouch!
- Ohh!
- It's cold. It's cold!
- Hey! Hey!
- [Laughing]
- Oh, it's cold!
- Agh!
Ooh, it feels great.
[Panting]
Aaah.
- It's cold.
- Oh, look at the moon.
- Oh.
- [Howls]
- [Howls]
- Oh, so many stars.
We don't have any stars
in New York. We should
be able to see stars.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Sometimes.
[Blowing Bubbles]
- So did your phone
ever get cut off?
- No.
I got that, uh, paid.
So... taken care of.
[People Conversing Quietly]
[Continues]
[Amelia]
What's goin'on?
What happened?
- [Woman]
I've seen this cat.
- Oh, my God!
[Man]
It's probably her cat.
[Woman]
It must be her cat.
[Sobbing]
Big Jeans! Oh, God.
I'm sorry. He fell...
He fell out of the window.
I know, I know.
Somebody call 911. Betsy?
- What happened?
- He fell. He fell out
of the window, and it's over.
[Kind Woman]
To be honest with you,
Bobo was my best friend.
- I mean, I'm not kidding.
For 18 years.
- Mmm. They listen.
- They do.
- Sweet little angels.
Never let you down.
Always there for you.
Never asking for
anything for themselves.
[Laura, Frank On Machine]
Hi, we're not here.
So leave a message. Bye.
- I thought of her more as a person.
- Ah.
Never should have let her
go out on the windowsill.
You let her go out
on the windowsill?
- She liked it.
- Of course she did.
I don't want you to worry,
because we are not gonna leave...
until you feel better.
That's okay, really. I don't
think I'm gonna be feeling
better for quite some time.
- We won't budge.
- I'm free for the rest
of the afternoon, so...
Actually, you know...
[Sighs]
I... I'm feeling better. Isn't that...
Isn't that odd?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry I haven't
called you back.
- Can I talk to you?
- W... Yeah. Yeah.
Of course you can.
Come in. Sure.
Sit down.
- Is that my shirt?
- Oh. Yeah. Here.
Is this the way you return
things you borrow? I mean,
do you do this on purpose...
to get me mad or something?
Dry-clean it.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's not... No.
Um, Laura. Big Jeans, uh...
Big Jeans is dead.
She jumped out the window.
What?
God. Why didn't you
call me?
I did. I just...
I didn't want to leave it
on your machine.
It's all my fault, you know.
I... I let her out on the windowsill.
And, uh...
And the chemo, radiation
must've made her weak.
I mean, you were right.
I never should have
put her through that.
Don't be crazy.
She fell.
Besides, you said
she was getting better.
She wasn't.
She wasn't.
You don't know. I mean,
you hardly ever saw her.
[Sighs]
I have a life, Amelia.
I have a life.
I know you have a life.
What was I supposed to do?
Just not move out, so you and I
could live with our cat...
for the rest of our lives?
Jesus, things change.
I had her cremated.
I have a lot
of work to do.
I know. Hey.
I'm so sorry about Big Jeans.
I really am.
- Thanks.
- I have a problem.
I need your help.
The girl from California...
she's here.
- So? So what?
What am I gonna do?
- Actually, I've worked that out.
You see, I'm supposed
to meet her downstairs
for lunch in 15 minutes.
I was thinking you could come
with me, you know, and I could
introduce you as my girlfriend.
You know, like we got back
together or something.
The actual details of that
aren't as important as...
Andrew, there is no way I'm
gonna do that to that girl. Why
don't you tell her the truth?
[Scoffs]
I can't. I can't.
She wants...
She wants to stay with me.
She thinks, like, we're gonna
have a relationship or something.
Gee, I wonder why
she thought that.
Look. Are you gonna
help me or not?
- Not! I'm staying right here.
- Please, please.
Come on, Amelia.
It's not that big a deal. She's nice.
I don't wanna hurt her feelings.
I just feel like...
You should have thought
of that before, Andrew. Good luck.
[No Audible Dialogue]
I wanna talk to you about something.
I really feel bad about this.
I never really
saw any devils.
I'm sorry.
You can fire me if you want to.
Why did you tell me
you saw devils if you didn't?
Because my problems are stupid,
and I... I know I gotta
be really crazy...
to come and see you for free,
so I made the stuff up
about the devils.
I figured that's what a real
wacko would say. Right?
- Hi.
- Hi.
[Sighs]
[Sighs]
- This is crazy.
- Yeah.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too.
[Chuckles]
I got something for you.
You do? Now?
Yeah.
Oh, Frank, I don't
deserve a present.
No, no. You deserve it.
It's kind of personal.
I think you'll like it.
Open it up.
What is this?
[Snickering]
Is this your mole?
This is your mole.
You gave me
your fucking mole.
I had it removed
and biopsied.
And, uh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- Are you relieved?
- So you gave it to me in a box?
Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
It's funny. I thought
you'd like it. It's a joke.
No, it's not a joke.
It's the most passive-aggressive
thing you've ever done.
Oh, come on.
You don't think that's funny?
No, I don't think it's funny, Frank!
I think it's disgusting.
I thought we were here
to try and talk.
Okay. Fine.
Give me back my mole.
- Oh, now you want it back?
- Yeah. I want it back.
- You want your mole back?
- Yes, give me back my mole!
Gladly.
- So, how are you?
- I'm good.
I'm real good.
Bill, I feel really bad
about what happened.
I liked you. I wanted
to see you again.
Well, you know.
It worked out for the best.
I got back together
with my old girlfriend.
Oh.
- That's good.
- Yeah. We're gonna go watch
dwarf bowling tonight.
Her father
got us tickets.
- Dwarfs bowling?
- No. It's like, uh...
No. People bowl
with dwarfs.
Like, they pick 'em up and
use 'em as bowling balls. It's great.
- That's sick.
- No, no, no. The dwarfs like it.
I've seen it before.
My girlfriend's really into it.
You checkin' these out?
Yeah.
Hey. You're early.
- I got you something.
- What?
You wouldn't believe
the humiliation I had to
withstand to rent them.
- I got them from Bill.
- You saw Bill?
- Yeah.
- I've seen these.
- Fuck you.
- I'll see 'em again! They're good.
So tell me what happened
with Virginia.
It was awful. I didn't
even remember what she
really looked like.
Not that she was ugly
or anything. Just...
You know, not
what I was picturing.
What were you picturing?
I don't know.
Nothing.
Nobody, I guess.
I told her the truth,
though. I told her that
an in-person relationship...
was more than I could
handle right now.
Which isn't really the truth,
but she bought it.
[Chuckles]
God, she must have been pissed.
As she was leaving,
I said, "I'll call you. "
Oh, my God.
I am such an asshole.
I'm gonna write her a letter.
I feel really bad.
Hey... Mmm.
- Andrew.
- Hmm?
I still have
the black pants.
What black pants?
The black pants.
The black pants I bought you
that made you panic
and break up with me.
God.
What are you
talking about?
- [Laughing]
- I asked for these? They don't fit!
I'm getting fat.
When did you buy these?
If they fit back then,
they should fit now.
[Spanish Accent]
You like? Very, very macho, no?
- [Laughing]
- I think so.
[Grunting]
[Knock At Door]
- Who is it?
- [Laura] Help.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
She just kept spraying
and curling, spraying, curling,
spraying, curling,
spraying...
And your makeup.
I know. I look
like a drag queen.
Did you really
pay for this thing?
No, you only pay if they do it
at your wedding. Ow!
God, what did you tell them
you wanted to look like?
Like BabyJane!
What do you think I told them? Ow.
So, I guess you guys
made up.
[Groans]
I tried.
He gave me his... Ow.
Mole.
In a box.
Oh, well, clearly you're not
gonna get married then.
Yeah, wouldn't you
be thrilled.
What?
Nothing.
You think I don't want
you to get married?
You know what?
Brush your hair yourself.
- What just happened?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Well, I do.
What's your problem?
My problem? My problem,
Laura, is that you're different. Okay?
How?
We used to talk
about things!
You used to need me,
for Christ's sake.
When something happens
to me now, good or bad, I tell you.
When something good or bad
happens to you, you tell Frank.
It feels unfair.
Amelia. I need you.
Not in the same way.
Okay.
You're right.
You're right. I don't call you
ten times a day like I used to.
And I don't tell you every
single thing that happens to me
because I do have Frank.
But does that make me
a bad friend because
I don't need you...
when you want me
to need you?
- Fine.
- Aah!
You know, when I do call you,
it's not enough?
And if I do see you,
that's not enough. Nothing
is ever enough for you!
It's like when Frank and I
got engaged,
you decided that I don't
care about you anymore,
and that is just not true.
I didn't decide anything.
What did I do wrong?
I know you're busy.
I know that you're having
problems with Frank.
I do. I know that.
But you're so wrapped up
in what's happening to you,
that you don't even know
what I'm going through.
Stop for a second and think
of what it's like for me!
That's all I want.
Okay.
What is it like
for you?
Hard.
Sad.
I miss you.
What's it like
for you?
It's lonely.
- I'm really lonely.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I love you.
Oh, God.
I love you.
- I slept with Andrew.
- You what?
It was fun.
[Pop]
- Hi.
- Hey, how's it hangin'?
Uh, good.
Is Frank here?
Oh, I've been traveling
lf these are tears
Let them fall
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
- Ahh.
- [Everyone Laughs]
What did you wish for?
I wished for a few more
healthy years.
You know, I might get it.
It's hereditary.
Yes, you might.
I've sworn off porno,
and I'm going crazy.
- So watch some.
- No. Don't want to.
I'll be right back.
How are ya?
You having fun?
I can't remember who I'm talking to
in the middle of my sentence.
[Laughs]
I can't remember people
in my own family.
- Do you remember me?
- You're my son.
Yeah, I'm your son.
[Chuckles, Sniffles]
[Sighs]
Do you want something
to drink? I was gonna
go get something...
No. No. No, thanks.
You know, it's nice.
Everyone came to my party.
Look at
Aunt Cynthia's dress.
What do you think
she was thinking?
Looks like the same dress...
she wore to your mother's
college graduation 40 years ago.
That I remember.
Is it?
Really?
That's an old dress.
[Andrew]
I like the flowers.
The flowers are especially nice.
Sixteen more hours.
Do you want a turn?
- This is nice.
- Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
Oh, my God.
Aah!
Sure and pure
- [Continues]
- Is Andrew here?
Yeah. You should see him.
He's wearing a suit. I think
he got it from his Bar Mitzvah.
[Sighs]
What's gonna happen
with you guys?
I don't know.
I'm not sure I want it
to go anywhere.
You know.
It is Andrew.
- You were obsessed with Andrew.
- I was.
- Right. You were.
- Turn around.
[Exhales]
Have you seen Frank?
Is he alone?
No, he had some, um,
very weird guy with him.
Oh, Rick.
Good. Good.
Come here.
[Exhales]
- Must I paint you a picture
- Wow.
= About the way that I feel
- You don't look fine.
- I don't?
- No, you look beautiful.
My love for you
is strong, girl
- You know my love for you is real
- Are you ready?
- I'm wearing a shower curtain.
- I won't tell anyone.
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
- You know my love for you
is strong, girl
- Love is strong
- You know my love for you is real
- Love is real
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
[Country Pop]
As I wait for sleep
to drag me under
In the evening gloom
I sit and wonder
Words I should have said
to you
The things I always
meant to do
The bad dreams
all came true
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
When I think of how
we were together
You know we couldn't
be like that forever
Beneath the seven
sisters stars
The night we let it
go too far
I slept out in the car
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
I remember skipping
'round the porch
Till it grew cold
I remember feelin'
like I was
Eight years old
Somersaults
across the lawn
Singin; dancin'
Up till dawn
Every now and then
we'd have a row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood
Things are pretty quiet
'round here now
You woke up my neighborhood
Night after night
we would row
You woke up my neighborhood