War of the Buttons (1994) Movie Script
(Woman) In Ireland,
I grew up in a tiny village by the sea.
It was here that my best friend, a boy,
was fighting with another boy,
who lived in the next village.
Sounds silly,
but they were always fighting.
Typical boys.
Come on!
Wait, wait, wait for me.
Fellas, hang on!
- (All) Father!
- (Bike bell)
(All talk at once)
Only 1 0p, Father.
(Priest) Get out of it.
(Boy) Let`s try the wharf.
- Morning, Father.
- Marie.
Come on!
Wanna buy some tickets for the draw?
It`s for the hospital in Skibb. The master,
he says you never know the moment.
That`s true enough,
but you`re too late, son,
the Carrickdowse boys
have beaten you to it.
The Carrick boys,
what are you buying off them for,
when your own kids are stuck with them?
We`re loaded up with tickets, son,
you can ask so much of a man
and no more.
Isn`t that the god`s truth?
We`ve more tickets than fish. (Laughs)
Jonjo, they won`t have reached him yet.
- Jonjo!
- We`ll catch him at the bridge.
Thanks for nothing, you mean scabs!
Hoy!
Wait till I talk to your father.
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo!
Jonjo, wait up!
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo, wait up!
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo!
- (Beeps horn)
- Jonjo!
- (All talk at once)
Buy some tickets?
Hey, you lot!
- Beat it!
- Get back to Carrick.
You know what that line stands for.
Keep on your own side
and leave our postman alone.
Rubbish, he`s nobody`s postman.
He belongs to everyone.
He`s ours till he leaves Ballydowse.
Yeah, this half of the bridge is ours.
When he`s on your side, you have him,
till then, keep your hands off.
- Yeah, keep your stinkin` hands off.
- What did you say?
Keep your stinkin` hands off.
Whose stinkin` hands?
- Oi!
- Ahh! Leave me alone.
- l`ll tell Fergus, Fergus`ll kill you.
- Fergus isn`t here, is he, you little wanker.
(Shouting)
Help!
Help me!
Get Fergus!
Fergus! Fergus!
Fergus, the Carricks, on the bridge.
They`ve got Little Con.
You wanna go in, eh?
You wanna go for a swim?
No! Help me! Help!
Someone! No! Help!
Help!
And what was that about my hands?
Nothing, nothing!
- (All shouting)
- Here, cut that out.
- Help!
- Hey!
- (Whistles)
- Geronimo.
You lucky little maggot.
Now clear off, tosspot,
run off home to Mammy.
(All laugh and jeer)
(Marie) Too late.
(Fergus) Yeah.
Great!
(Little Con) Con?
(Big Con) What?
(Little Con) What does tosspot mean?
(Big Con) I don`t know. Come on.
Here... Right here.
I know what a pot is.
We all know what a pot is,
and toss.
It`s not the words,
it`s what they mean together that counts.
Come in.
Please, sir, how many swearwords
do you know?
- What makes you think I know any?
- You`re grown-up.
Me daddy knows hundreds.
Well, then,
you best put your problem to him.
(Girl) Hey! Watch it.
Who cares what it means?
It`s how bad it is that matters.
If it`s really bad, we`ve got to
come up with something worse.
- Sir doesn`t even know what it means.
- You never said it to him, did you?
I never said it, not to his face.
- (Bike bell)
- (Priest) Out of the way, boys.
Good work, Little Con.
Gerard.
Do you like lollipops?
See the church?
Go tell the priest... (Whispers)
(Bell)
Now we`ll see
how bad the bloody word is.
(Quietly) Tosspot, tosspot,
tosspot, tosspot.
(Master) Pitiful. Pitiful effort.
(Whispers) Hey, Tim, any sign yet?
Not yet.
(Master) I hope the moment never arrives
for any of you.
Oi! Come back here!
- They`re off!
- (All) They`re off!
Hey! Get back to your seats!
- (Cheering)
- Get back to your seats now!
Oh!
(Priest) l`ll see your mother, you little lout.
On your way now!
On your way!
Seats, seats,
come on, come on, move it!
(All talking among themselves)
Got the paint?
- Lime green or electric blue?
- Forget the green, keep the blue.
- And l`ve got a torch.
- Great. What`s the time?
It`s 9:15.
Hey, fellas, wait for me.
(Panting)
I`ve been feeding the calves,
l`m puffed out.
Keep it down.
Big Con is still to come.
Here he is now.
What`s he doing here?
This is a guerrilla operation,
it`s no place for kids.
Wasn`t it me
that was held over the water?
- He`s got a point.
- It was the only way we could get out.
We said we`d take the master his eggs.
- I thought your dad was on the boats.
- His mum keeps chickens.
- Is it herring they`re after?
- Hake.
- Shut up, the pair of you.
- l`m discussing his daddy`s catch.
You wanna talk fishin`,
get yourselves out.
We`ve a war on here,
concentrate.
OK. Only the bridge is in the open,
we clear it as quick as we can.
After that, we cut through the woods.
I`m not going through any woods!
These trousers are brand-new.
Then get off home to your mammy.
- Says who?
- I do. I`m leading this expedition.
Why you?
We haven`t had a vote yet.
- OK, all in favour of me, say aye.
- (All) Aye.
- (Dog barking)
- (Whispers) Take your shoes off.
(Dogs barking)
(Whispers) Come on.
(Door opens)
He`s coming.
Little Con, get out there, quick.
I can`t. I`m scared.
What`s there to be scared about?
You`re only a little kid with eggs. Go on!
So, it`s you, is it,
makin` all them dogs bark?
- Oh!
- (Eggs smash)
Are you all right? Hey?
Come over here
and we`ll have a look at you.
Come in, we`ll fix you up.
My brother...
They`ve got him.
He`s a prisoner of war.
- Thanks a bundle for bringing him.
- (Door slams)
- Who have you got there?
- I dunno.
- What`s his name?
- I don`t know, I can`t get a word out of him.
- Are you dumb, is it?
- Michael...
you`ve the bedside manner
of a bullock.
The poor little boy`s in shock.
Can`t you see that?
Yelling and bawling at him like that.
I wasn`t yelling and bawling at him.
I was enquiring.
God help us if you ever start,
the whole town`ll be tortured.
We have to find out
where he comes from,
walking around in the night with his eggs.
His father`ll be shouting
and roarin` round lookin` for him.
Give him time, the little boy`s had
a nasty shock, haven`t you, darlin`?
- l`ll get him something to buck him up.
- Michael, he`s only a child.
(Michael) I was taking whiskey
with me mother`s milk.
(Mother) Aye, and look at
the state of you now.
(Michael) Here you go.
He`s drinkin` whiskey in Geronimo`s house,
with himself and Gorilla at the table.
- Great!
- Great?
He`ll keep them busy.
Give us the paint.
Boffin, you come too,
l`ll need you for the spelling.
The rest of you, cover us.
Hold this, Boffin.
Are you sure, Fergus?
It`s a church. It`s a mortal sin.
Like I say, this is war.
(Laughs) A kid and a half this,
no mistake.
(Mother) How are you feeling, son?
I smashed me eggs.
It`s his eggs he`s fretting over.
Is that all it is?
Sure we`ve bushels of eggs.
Jerome, go out the back
and fill his box with eggs.
- What?
- Do as your mammy says.
- l`m not waiting on him.
- He`s busy, he`s doing his lessons, mister.
Busy? Well, you can give him a hand.
Eggs! Now, the pair of yous
and don`t argue.
- (Door bangs)
- Try makin` a bit more noise.
One for the road?
S.
S.
(Car approaching)
- (Hoots)
- (Whistles)
A car. Quick.
Finished.
Boffin, come on.
(Dogs barking)
Thanks. Good night.
(Michael) And mind them eggs now.
Yes.
(Loudly) In the merry month of May
From me home I started
Left the girls of Tuam
Nearly broken-hearted
Salute me father dear
Kiss me darlin` mother
Drank a pint of beer
Me grief and tears to smother...
My brother, he`s drunk as a skunk.
(All laugh)
To banish ghosts and goblins
(All) A brand-new pair of brogues
Rattled over the bogs
Frightened all the dogs
On the rocky road to Dublin
One, two, three, four, five
Hunt the hare
And turn her down the rocky road
And all the way to Dublin
Whacks fer al de da
In the merry month of May
From my home I started
Left the girls of Tuam
Nearly broken-hearted
Salute me father dear
Kiss me darlin` mother
Drank a pint of beer
My grief and tears to smother
Off to reap the corn
Leave where I was born...
(Church bell)
Hold it.
What`s happening?
Can you see any Carricks?
(Fergus) No, but they`ll be there.
Give us a look.
Hey, lads, I think I feel a bit woozy.
- Bad luck.
- (They laugh)
- Oh!
- Take cover!
That`s right, hide why don`t you?
Don`t show your ugly mugs,
the shock would sink our boat.
- What`s your problem, tosspot?
- We haven`t got a problem.
Have you finished scrubbing the paint
- from the old chapel board?
- (All laugh)
Scrubbin`? What would yous know about
scrubbin`, you dirty bunch of knackers?
(All laugh)
Does yer mammy still wash her knickers
in the kitchen sink?
She doesn`t have a kitchen sink.
Come on up to Carrickdowse,
we`ll lend you a bath.
A bath? Does it have
your rubber ducky in it, Gorilla?
(Laughter)
Does your mammy still powder your bum,
ya big girl`s blouse?
- (All laugh)
- You wait!
- Gorilla`s got a boulder.
- He hasn`t got the guts.
- Yeah?
- Oh!
(All cheer)
Get us out of here, quick.
(All shouting and jeering)
(Makes clucking noises)
Tomorrow, after school,
at Murphy`s Dunes.
You die. D`you hear?
The whole flamin` lot of you.
(Jeering, clucking sounds)
Chicken! Chickens!
Sir`s coming.
Sir, those are our toilets.
Is that so?
(Running water)
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,
who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?
(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,
who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?
(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,
who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?
(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(All cheer)
- Is that it?
- Is that the best you can do?
Where`s your mates?
I thought you came for a fight.
Maybe their mammies
wouldn`t let them out.
Who rattled your cage, Gorilla?
What`s up,
haven`t you had your bananas yet?
Well, chew on these
and shut your face.
Big boy now, eh?
You weren`t so full of lip on the bridge.
- Ah, belt up, monkey.
- Belt up?
Wait till I get down there,
l`ll flatten you!
Watch it, it`s a trap.
- You`re full of crap, apehead.
- Get back up your tree, Gorilla.
- Monkey, monkey, monkey.
- (Monkey noises)
I`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!
- Gorilla, get back! D`you hear me?
- l`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!
I`ll kill you!
Come on!
(Gorilla) l`ll tear your heads off.
Wait till I catch you, you`ll die!
- Now!
- Argh!
Come on!
- Charge!
- (Shouting)
Come on, get outta here.
Come on, get back, get up the hill.
What do we do about Gorilla?
- l`ll kill you!
- Leave him.
That`ll teach him
to obey my flamin` orders.
Up against the tree, lads.
(All laugh and jeer)
Don`t hurt me, don`t hurt me!
Stand back!
Give us your knife, Tich.
What are you gonna do?
Don`t hurt me, l`ll tell me dad.
(All laugh)
Well, now, me brave bullyboy,
what shall we cut off first?
- His ears.
- His tongue.
- His nose, cut off his nose.
- (All laugh)
I think wee Con
should have the right to choose.
His willy, cut off his willy.
(All laugh)
I`ll tell the priest.
Not without a tongue, you won`t.
What does it matter, bullyboy, eh,
ears, nose, tongue,
if a fella keeps his pride?
And you, my fine brave boy,
have nothing to be proud about at all.
(All cheer)
Now tell your daddy and the priest,
and tell your mate Geronimo,
tell them all what they`ll get if they mess
with the boys from Ballydowse.
(All cheer)
You haven`t seen the last of us.
(All laugh)
(Whispers)
Little Con, come here.
Hold out your hands.
Trophies from the Battle of Murphy`s Dunes.
(All cheer)
In the merry month of May
From my home I started
Left the girls of Tuam
nearly broken-hearted
Salute me father dear
Kissed me darlin` mother
Drank a pint of beer
Me grief and tears to smother...
Secondly, you need to be a citizen
of the country in question.
Thirdly, you must have reached
the ripe old age of 1 8, God help us,
and fourthly, your name
must be on the electoral roll.
Tonight they`ve challenged.
Jonjo brought a note.
Haven`t they had enough?
We`ll give them more.
Tell the others.
- Fergus?
- Sir?
We`re discussing democracy,
the civilised running of a civilised state.
Do you wish to take part or are
other considerations more pressing?
- Yes, sir. No, sir.
- l`m grateful.
Now, four points necessary
to qualify to vote - name them.
They concern citizenship, me bucko.
Freedom!
A condition you`re favourite to lose tonight
if you don`t at least take a plunge.
Not tonight, sir. Another night, eh?
Other nights don`t fit the bill. Have a go,
man. Where`s your fighting spirit?
Geography, sir,
you`ve got to know your geography.
Does one no harm, Pat,
to know your place in the world,
but that won`t get you a vote.
- You`ve got to belong to the country?
- Which country?
- lreland, sir, you`ve got to be lrish.
- Right on one.
Now, what else?
(Whispers) If he`s kept in, we`ve had it.
Number two, could you have a vote,
for instance?
(Whispers) Cos you`ve still
got no hairs on your bum.
- (All snigger)
- What`s that, Boffin?
Me, sir?
You`ve something to offer?
(Laughter)
Connor, stay in after school.
- No, sir!
- You too, Fergus, don`t argue.
- Sir, it was me.
- And you too. You live in a free country.
Men died to make it so and by God,
l`ll see you appreciate the fact.
- ldiots, we`re three light now.
- Do you think we should not go?
And let them think we`ve chickened out?
We`ve got to go. (Sighs)
(Church bell)
(Fergus) Come on, we`ll catch up with them.
Where are you going?
It`s your brother.
- Look at the state of him.
- Oh!
- What`s up with you?
- There was loads of them, all big fellas.
Where were you?
I knew I should never have come.
- Where are the others?
- I don`t know. I`m going home.
- (Wails)
- Tell Mam you fell over, OK?
And stop your yelling.
- What in hell happened to you?
- There were hundreds of `em.
- They were too strong.
- You`re joking, they`re Carricks!
- Yeah, they beat the stuffing out of us.
- Quit whingeing.
- What`s Tich done?
- Dead leg.
Leave him here, we`ll pick him up
on the way back. Come on.
Back?
Are you fit or not?
Yeah, but...
Riley?
I think...
Then come on.
- Give up, you pillock.
- Surrender.
Come and get me.
Gonna have to come down sometime.
Gonna have to pee sometime
and I know where l`ll be aiming.
Fergus!
Fergus!
Fergus is coming!
Brendan, Chick, keep him up there,
the rest of you take cover.
Look out, Fergus, they`re...
Oh!
Sorry.
(Both grunt)
Get him.
Give us a hand, will you?
(All) Fergus!
Don`t worry, l`ll be all right.
Scram!
I`ve got his neck.
- Bring him to that tree, lads.
- Yeah, you maggot!
Don`t hurt me, don`t torture me,
l`ll tell me daddy.
Cut me mickey off, would you?
Yeah!
- That`s enough.
- He did it to me.
OK, then,
Iet`s give this fella
a pig with the same snout.
(All) Yeah!
(All) Yeah!
(All) Yeah!
- (All) Yeah!
- Go on.
- Push off!
- Get back to Ballydowse.
Run off home to Mammy, tosspot!
And your daddy,
if you ever find out who he is.
Shut your mouth!
Lay off.
And where the hell
have you been, huh?
Out gallivantin`
while l`m doin` your chores.
Now, I warned you, boy,
l`ll have you sent...
Leave him eat.
You can talk about gallivantin`.
I`m workin`, sellin` horses,
to buy the crust
that he`s shovin` into his lazy gob.
It`s real hard work at those horse fairs.
Liftin` pints is fierce tirin`.
You do a deal and you drink on it,
that`s the way.
If it was up to you,
we`d be all eatin` hay, huh?
Where were you anyway,
you little bastard?
Now look what you`ve done,
you`ve ripped his bloody jacket!
It wasn`t stitched properly.
It was properly stitched
until you grabbed him, you big ape!
- Don`t you shout at me!
- Now look what you`ve done!
Shut up!
I`ve got no buttons or nothing nowhere.
No laces, no belt,
so quit yelling, the pair of you.
All my buttons are off
and my tie`s ripped to shreds.
And you`re not made of money,
so give me a good whipping
and get it over with.
Who did this to you?
You tell me or else.
If I told you, l`d only get the same,
so get it over with.
Go easy on him, that`ll do no good.
Tell him we`ll send him to school naked,
that`ll teach him.
(Fergus groans)
(Groaning continues)
(Laughs)
You`re a fool, Fergus, do you know that?
And mainly to yourself.
Yes, sir.
(Laughs)
- You`re asking for it, boyo.
- I can`t help myself, sir.
Something funny inside my head,
it won`t go.
- (Master) Have you now?
- Not a brain, that`s for sure.
You shut your face!
(Bell)
Maybe later we`ll all share the joke.
Right, playtime.
Out with the lot of you.
- You too, Fergus.
- Me, sir, aren`t I kept in?
Correct.
Wasn`t that serious enough, sir?
- What?
- Laughing, sir, to be kept in?
- Do you want to be kept in?
- No, sir.
Then keep your mouth shut.
What is it now?
- I have to know something, sir.
- What do you wanna know?
What`s serious and what`s not,
what`ll have me in trouble? It`s important.
It`s me daddy,
he says he`ll have me sent away.
Away?
- Where to?
- Just away.
He says he can get an order
or something.
Well, he can`t. Only a court.
If you`d stop foolin` about,
do something constructive...
- I can fish, catch rabbits and hares.
- Fergus...
you might be a big wee fella
in Murphy`s Dunes,
but round here, l`m the boss.
Here, I like to be respected, OK?
Just give me a bit of effort and l`ll speak up
for you if ever ``away`` is on the cards.
Yes, sir.
By the way, what was the joke back there?
I could do with a laugh.
I messed up my clothes a bit
last night, sir,
and my mammy said
she`d send me to school bare-arsed.
I find that prospect more horrifying
than amusing.
Yes, sir.
It`s just given me a funny idea.
Here. Run for it, run for it!
- What`s up with him?
- He`s done his thumb.
- The Carricks?
- Sort of.
- It was those buttons you gave him.
- Shut up, will you?
He hid them on top of the toilet, slipped,
and the whole lot came down on him.
Don`t worry, Little Con, wait till you see
what l`ve got for them next. (Laughs)
Jonjo!
Oh, no sign of peace talks yet?
Change of venue, somewhere
we can give them a real surprise.
What`s up? Too many dead bodies
piled up at Murphy`s Dunes?
- Any sign?
- No. Only Tim,
he`s trapped up there in the stones.
Fergus and the rest have chickened out.
Chickened out?
OK, surround the stones,
but keep a good lookout for the rest.
Here we are again, Tim, boy.
On your own, are you?
Coming down this time or do we drag you?
Ha! You couldn`t drag a baby
from its cradle.
Brendan, Chick, have every stitch off him.
- The rest of you...charge!
- (All) Charge!
(All shouting)
(Horn)
(All cheer)
Aargh!
(All shouting)
Charge!
Stand your ground, stand your ground!
Come back, come back, stand and fight.
Go on, lads, get `em! Go on, lads!
Hee-ah!
(Distant shouting)
Get out of me way!
(All shouting)
- We`ll get you back.
- (All) Yeah!
Now!
(Cheering)
(Cheering)
Yes!
- Ahh!
- Run!
(Groans of pain)
Oh! Oh!
- Oh!
- Shut up, will you?
I`m scratched and stung all over.
I knew I shouldn`t never have come.
Quit whingeing.
We licked `em, didn`t we?
Yeah, with girls.
And what`s wrong with girls?
Nothing.
Just like to have known, that`s all.
Prancing around stark naked`s bad enough,
having women laughing at you?
What`s up?
Ashamed of what you`ve got?
It`s a free country, l`m not fighting starkers
again, you can forget it.
Yeah, and l`m not losing no more buttons.
Some of us have got decent clothes,
even if you haven`t.
So you won`t fight, is that it?
It`s not our fault, Fergie.
Yeah, it`s our parents, they`ll kill us.
Kill us?
What`s a few buttons off to you lot, eh?
What`s your shirts destroyed to you?
Nothing.
I`m the one that`s getting sent away.
You can go to hell, the lot of you.
(Door bangs)
(Crying)
Fergus?
- Fergus, what`s wrong?
- Go away.
Go away, leave me alone.
(Master) Poblacht...
- (Master continues speaking Gaelic)
- (Whispers) Oi!
(Master speaks Gaelic)
Gimme that paper, Riley.
- Paper, sir?
- Yes, in the lrish...
(Speaks Gaelic)
Paper in your hand.
Did you not know it was there?
We learn something every day.
Sit down.
Fergus, did you write this?
Sir, I did.
Come up here.
Read it out.
- Sir?
- Read it aloud.
- To find the money...
- (Translates in Gaelic)
..to buy buttons, shoelaces,
ties and belts...
(Master translates in Gaelic)
-..everybody must...
- (ln Gaelic)
..pay a tax of one pound a week.
(Master translates in Gaelic)
Now...
Everybody, in best writing,
one hundred times in your native tongue.
(All sigh)
(All shouting)
Just bugger off, the lot of you.
What`s up with you?
One pound a week, that`s what.
Where am I gonna get a pound from?
Where are we all?
We`re all in the same boat.
- A republic, yeah.
- We`re all not equal.
Some has money and some don`t,
and I don`t.
I got none.
- Me neither.
- I get a bit on Saturdays.
OK.
Stand over there,
all those who have money.
Those who don`t,
join Little Con in the jacks.
Why should the poor
stand in the toilets?
Just because we`re broke, it`s not fair.
This isn`t equality,
it`s shaming those that have nothing.
All right, then, swap over.
Those who can pay, stand in there.
You`re jokin`. I`m not paying good money
to stand in the toilets. Forget it.
He`s right. We can`t all be equal
if some pay and some don`t.
- Exactly.
- We`re all equal if no one pays.
- (All) Yeah.
- No.
- Only when everybody pays the same.
- (All) Yeah.
Boffin, what`s equality?
Having identical privileges, rights and
status in the eyes of society and the law.
Like the Amish in America...
OK!
Forget what you`ve got in your pockets now,
that doesn`t count.
We don`t use it for the war,
it`s for our own things.
I have nothing anyway.
Me neither, but we`ve got to find ways
to make money.
Money for all of us to buy buttons
and things for the war.
Boffin, is that equality?
- Yeah, that`s equality.
- (All) Yeah.
And all the stuff, when we get it,
where we gonna keep it?
In our HQ.
- What`s an HQ?
- (Bell)
(All laugh)
Ready?
Watch your backs.
- Where will I put this?
- On the roof.
And make sure there`s no leaks.
- l`m off on my rounds now, good luck.
- Good luck.
How many buckets?
Two and a bit.
Two buckets, that`s two pounds,
and a bit, 20p.
That`s 2.20.
- Good luck.
- See you.
Where`s he going?
(Mooing)
- How many have you got?
- We can`t find none.
What do you mean?
There was loads when I passed here
this morning.
That was this morning.
What do you think they`re eating - celery?
You have to be up at the crack of dawn
to beat them lot.
Then get up.
Fergus`ll want some tomorrow, or else.
- Fox!
- A fox?
They`re worth a fortune.
A fox! A fox!
Fergus can go to hell.
Aren`t I up at the crack already,
milking our cows?
It`s Sunday tomorrow.
Tell that to the flippin` cows!
I can`t find them on my own.
Fergus, Fergus,
the boys are after a fox.
Get after it quick.
See where it goes to ground.
(All shouting)
Here, I got him here!
Right, we`ll smoke him out.
Boffin, get some dry grass.
Pat, Con, get a long stick.
- Little Con, bark.
- What?
Bark like a dog. You too, Tich,
down the hole.
(Both bark)
Boys, out the way.
Down, Boffin, quick.
- Yeah!
- Keep on poking back, keep on poking.
- Come on, Pat!
- Go on!
I can feel it moving.
- (All) Yeah!
- Go on, Pat!
Take it out!
It`s here.
- Ahh!
- (All cheer)
- (Thud)
- (All stop cheering)
It`s OK, it`s dead.
It`s a male.
Dammit.
Only half the price.
Pigs.
You pigs.
He was beautiful
and you killed him for money.
They`re killers, they all are.
They kill for the fun of it.
Yeah, like you did, all of you.
Fishy!
What happened?
Geronimo, he said
I looked too pleased with myself.
Who was supposed to be with him?
Where were you, Riley?
There wasn`t any mushrooms.
The cattle had eaten them all.
You did good, Fishy. Thanks.
- (Backfire)
- (She gasps)
Sorry, Marie.
The devil himselfs in me motor.
I`d be better off driving
the entire contraption into the sea.
It`s OK, Mr Riley. No harm done.
If we have a table here
we can all get round,
- for war councils and that.
- (All) Yeah.
Where will we get a table?
We`ll make it -
planks, a few bricks, easy.
Yeah, and an old tablecloth on it,
it`ll look great.
What`ll we sit on?
- Our bums. What do you think?
- (Laughter)
What we need is bits and pieces,
to make the place feel like a real HQ.
We`ve an old clock in the shed.
Doesn`t go, but it`ll look good.
We got a picture of Mummy and Daddy
when they got married.
- No, we don`t!
- Yes, we do, above...
We don`t want that.
This is our place, no adults.
- (All) Yeah.
- Right, a place for the treasure.
Didn`t I tell you our Marie was great?
(All cheer)
Right, nobody touch anything
till Boffin`s made a list.
- An inventory.
- That.
- (Laughter)
- Let`s have a look first.
No!
Riley, you don`t touch, you don`t see.
You did nothing for it,
so you get nothing from it.
How much did he cost us?
2.50 easy.
- Right, lads, take him outside.
- What?
Come back when you`ve earned your bit.
This isn`t a democracy.
This isn`t a republic.
- Get lost!
- Go home, Riley.
Clear off.
The whole lot of you can go to hell.
- Long live the King.
- lt`s a queen nowadays, you moron.
Then God save the Queen.
Balls to Ballydowse.
(All shout and jeer)
- What`s he done?
- Nothing, that`s just the point.
Yeah, except he let Fishy get bashed
by the Carricks.
Aye, but don`t worry, Fishy,
we`ll get `em back, won`t we?
(All) Yeah!
(Shouting)
Take aim.
(All shouting)
Fire!
Take aim.
Fire.
Aargh!
Fall back! Fall back.
Take aim.
Fire.
(Screaming)
Hold it, wait.
They`re surrendering.
Don`t you believe it.
What`s your game?
Truce.
We`ve a casualty here.
It`s a trap.
It must be.
Shut up.
OK, bring him out.
- A truce?
- A truce.
See what your flamin` catapults did.
One of you monkeys fired a stone.
- lt`s maybe broken its leg.
- You broke it, you mean.
- We don`t fire at rabbits.
- Only at you mockheads.
- We`ll make him a splint.
- Do you know how?
I did it on a pup once.
He`s young, he`s got a good chance.
Be great if you could.
- Cut me a twig.
- Billy.
- Wanna use my laces?
- No, yours are leather, mine`s string.
Riley? What are you doing here?
I thought Fergus kicked you out.
No, it`s OK, he let me back in.
I was in the fight, but I hurt my leg.
He sent me back to get it looked at.
- Looked at?
- Yeah, l`m injured.
OK. Sit down,
l`ll have a look at it for you.
Now, where does it hurt?
Me ankle.
It`s great being here on our own,
isn`t it, Marie?
- Go on, get out, Riley.
- Why, what`s wrong?
You`re not injured, you`re just a big kid.
Big kid?
And what`s Fergus and the rest, eh?
Playing house like a pack of girls.
Get out of my sight, you`re pathetic.
- You`ll look pathetic when I tell the master.
- You wouldn`t dare.
We`ll see.
Get out!
OK, what now?
What`s the time?
It`s ten past eight.
It`s a bit late.
We ought to be getting back.
Right, lads, back off,
but keep your guard up,
we don`t trust this lot an inch.
What was that? Was it us
waving the white flag, surrendering?
It was a truce, muttonhead.
Watch `em.
A truce? You`re all talk. What`s up,
scared of another hammering?
Funny, I can`t remember the first one.
(All laugh)
Yeah, and how about your da?
Maybe you`re scared he`ll give you one
when I send you home in shreds.
What was that?
Right, we`ll sort this out once and for all.
Saturday,
and this time to the bloody death.
- (Both spit)
- (All) Yeah!
The great battle of Kinsale had been
a disaster for the huge Spanish army,
who`d come to help the lrish in their fight
against their common enemy.
Elizabeth.
(Laughter)
The O`Driscolls,
the great clan of these parts,
had lent their castles to these Spanish,
in exchange
for fresh cannon and ammunition.
Buttons.
- Buttons.
- Did you say something, Riley?
I said buttons, sir.
That`s all.
With regard to what?
Nothing, sir.
Then button it,
or l`ll button it for you, OK?
Sir.
And now, to their horror,
the O`Driscolls realised
that their defeated allies
were bent on handing the castles over
to the enemy,
as part of their grubby terms of surrender.
- The O`Driscolls would have none of this...
- (Kids) Yeah!
..and led by the chief of the clan,
they set about retrieving their homes
and their honour.
So Bunduff, their main castle
was besieged,
- and the Spaniards thrown out.
- (Cheering)
But...the victorious O`Driscolls joy
was short-lived,
and l`ll tell you about that next week.
(All) Oh, sir!
(Master) Have a good weekend.
Maybe they won`t come.
They`ll come.
They`re here, the Ballys are here.
- Where are they?
- (All murmuring)
Quiet!
(Buttons jingling, rattling)
(All cheer)
Would you look at that.
He`s got himself a horse.
You can give up now
and we`ll let you home,
if you shout Ballydowse is the best
and will be to the end of the world.
(All cheer)
You`re all blather.
Come up here and get us if you dare,
- and we`ll show you who`s best.
- (All) Yeah!
All right, then, to the death!
Prepare for attack. Just keep them
down there, we`re relying on you.
For England and St George?
(Tuts) Shut up, will you.
Are you ready, me buckos?
(All cheer)
For Ballydowse and lreland.
- Charge!
- (Whinnies)
(Shouting)
Fire!
Fire!
(All shouting)
Charge!
Come on, get `em!
Charge!
(Shouting)
Fire at will!
Empty the buckets.
Hold them off the stairs.
(Horse whinnying)
(Shouting, screaming)
(Cries of pain)
Get into `em! Get into `em!
Come on, boys, get `em!
Aargh!
Aargh!
Get back out there!
You`ll never get me, Fergie!
Gorilla!
Get him, Tich.
(Whinnying)
Aargh!
(Battle cry
Come on, Boffin boy.
Aargh!
Fergus, help me!
Go on, go on, go on!
Go on, lads, get into `em! Come on!
Aargh!
Get out of it!
Geronimo!
Give us your knife, Pat.
They`ve got Geronimo! Geronimo!
- Bally forever!
- Get out of it!
(Jeering and shouting)
(Jeering)
(Cheering)
(Cheering)
(All cheer)
(Cheering)
Yeah!
(Jeering)
(Bus driver) Carrickdowse.
Wait a minute.
- Bye.
- Thank you very much.
- How are you, Mick, how`s it going?
- Cyril!
Shift yourself.
Shift yourself.
- Are you well?
- Not bad, not bad.
Where are you off to?
I`m off to town.
Hi, Geronimo.
It`s Jerome to you.
I`m in to pick up the hoover,
blew up last week. Yourself?
I`m going in to pay for the new tractor.
Mortgaged up to the hairs on me head,
God help me,
but she`s worth it, every penny.
Bang up to date.
(Cheering)
Quiet, everyone.
Boffin will make the opening speech.
(Cheering)
Now our battle`s won and oh, what fun
to see the Carricks on the run,
on Murphy`s Dunes, Gleniff as well,
and Bunduff too, it`s true to tell,
we sent them packing, back to hell.
(Cheering)
So, here`s to Fergus and Marie,
Fat Pat, Fishy, Tim and me,
Tich and Peter, Cons big and small,
and all who answer to Bally`s call.
So get around and we`ll rejoice
and sing of victory in one loud voice,
and of time`s to come, we`ll recall,
with the help of these trophies
on the wall,
the boys of Bally, hear us all.
(All cheer)
Right, a toast!
To the siege of Bunduff Castle.
(All cheer)
Where we made the Carricks
paddle in their own shite.
- Hey, language! We`re not like them.
- (All cheer)
One, two, three.
Come on, Marie.
Go on, Marie.
(Cheering)
Go on, Marie, go!
Where are you going?
I`ll be ten minutes, Dad.
I`m checking the oil.
Kids nowadays, huh?
Technological geniuses.
He`s a great mechanic,
brilliant with his hands.
Isn`t that a Carrick boy
that just jumped on?
Eh?
(Penny whistles playing, cheering)
Yee-ha!
Go on. Go on, show us how to dance!
(Vehicle approaches)
Quiet!
- lt`s only a tractor.
- lt`s somebody ploughing.
- On a Sunday?
- In the woods?
- It is a tractor.
- Whose is it?
Can`t see. It`s blue.
Who`s got a blue tractor?
Flamin` heck - Riley!
- What?
- His dad bought a new one yesterday.
Showed it to me daddy,
proud as punch.
What colour was it?
Blue, and Riley`s riding on the back of it.
(Yelling)
(Yells)
Beats your horse, eh, Fergus?
Beats your flamin` horse!
(All yell in alarm)
Aargh!
(Screams)
(Coughs)
(Metallic thud)
He made me do it.
He made me give him the keys.
My dad`s new tractor!
The tractor!
What am I gonna do?
(Roars)
I`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!
Get up!
Look at it.
You`ve destroyed our house!
We worked for it, built it ourselves,
and you made us run.
Helped a Carrick and made us run.
They`ll laugh at us
until the end of the world.
Stick a needle in his eyes.
Make him eat horse crap.
Burn him!
Burn the traitor`s feet.
(All) Yeah!
Take off your clothes.
Please...
Take `em off!
All of them!
You betrayed us,
betrayed us all.
Please!
Please don`t torture me.
We won`t touch you.
Burn them.
Now get off home.
We`ll let your daddy do the hurting.
(Mooing)
Come out, come out, the lot of you!
Come out!
Come out,
the lot of yous!
Don`t be shy.
Come out and see
what your brave boys have done.
All of `em.
Hooligans!
Animals!
Drunk!
They stripped him,
and tortured him,
and wrecked my new tractor!
I`m telling yous all now,
l`m warning yous,
expect a letter,
legal proceedings are underway,
and I intend to sue
every last one of you,
for every penny you`ve got.
Didn`t I tell you it was that boy, Fergus?
He`s the bloody ringleader.
And it`s always the poor parents
who have to suffer.
Keep your heads up, lads.
Remember, we won the war, didn`t we?
(All) Yeah.
What do you think they`ll do to us?
- Who cares?
- Maybe he hasn`t told them.
He`d have to,
he didn`t have any clothes on.
(All laugh)
What do we do now?
Little Con, you go first with Tich.
- You`re only kids, they won`t blame you.
- l`m not going.
We`ll all go together,
get it over with. OK, Fergus?
No, they`ll send me away.
After what he`ll have said we`ve done,
I won`t stand a chance.
We didn`t do anything.
Do you think they`ll believe that?
(Tim) He`s right. Come on, Marie.
- But where will you go?
- Somewhere where they won`t find me.
- Good luck.
- l`ll be OK.
(All) Bye, Fergus.
Little Con... you lead us in.
Me?
(Shouts of pain)
Had a good hiding, has he?
- What does it look like?
- I should bloody hope so!
Deserves to be put away, if you ask me.
Who`s asking you?
What about your kids, huh? Running around
like animals, tearing up good clothes?
Typical Ballydowse,
always a bunch of maniacs.
Maniacs! Maniacs, is it, huh?
Whose little bastard did I see climbing
into me tractor and leading my kid astray?
Don`t call my kid a bastard.
OK, then, a shite.
How does that suit you? Shite!
I`ll tear your tongue out, you runt!
The whole lot o` yous!
Don`t make me laugh. I could lick you
when I was a kid and I can lick you now.
For God sake, fellas, calm down.
It`s this kid Fergus`s fault.
Didn`t he start the whole bloody thing?
Right.
Let`s go and find him, then,
before he has
the whole place destroyed.
It`s your kid we`re talking about.
He`s out there running wild.
So is this horse.
He`s drowned in sweat.
I`ll be lucky to fight the chill away from it,
and it cost me a bloody fortune.
To hell with the horse.
What about your son?
It`s late, he`s on his own,
what are you gonna do about it?
That`s where you`ve got it wrong,
teacher.
He`s no son of mine.
Ask her whose he is.
It doesn`t matter whose brat he is,
he`s gotta be found and stopped,
before he kills someone stone-dead.
Don`t be so melodramatic, he`s a kid.
If you do get him, you hammer him
and shove him off somewhere,
where he`ll do no more harm
to neither man nor beast.
Sergeant...
have you seen my young fella?
Fergus, come out!
Come out now!
Fergus!
Come out now.
Fergus?
Fergus?
All mended now, pal.
What are you doing?
I saw the smoke.
I`m on the run too.
- They think I stole the tractor.
- I thought Riley gave you the keys.
- He told them I made him do it.
- And they believed him.
Typical.
Do you want some?
Sorry about the house.
Forget it.
It was a great idea, the tractor,
better than a horse.
Recognise him?
He healed a treat.
(Geronimo) That`s good.
Why did we do it?
- What?
- Why did we fight?
For the hell of it. What else is there?
Let`s go back and face them.
We can take them on together.
I can`t.
They`ll send me away for certain.
I`ll stick up for you.
What I did was worse than you.
They haven`t got a clue.
I`ll tell `em.
(Bugle)
That`s your Tim.
(Bugle)
It`s the police,
they must`ve followed you here.
They`ve come to take me away.
Thanks a bundle.
Fergus! No, Fergus!
Fergus, come back. Fergus!
(Man over megaphone) Stay where you are.
Stay exactly where you are.
(Panting)
There they are!
(Master) Mother of God!
(Gasps)
(Tim) Geronimo!
Stay where you are.
Stay exactly where you are.
Don`t endanger yourself.
Stay put.
Get that chopper outta here,
it`ll blow them off.
Michael, Michael,
get away from there.
(Gasps)
Fergus!
Fergus!
Help me!
Hold on!
- Let go.
- I can`t.
Let go, l`ve got you.
(Grunts)
It`s all right, you`re safe now.
I`ve got you, OK?
Yeah.
(Both) Aargh!
(Cheering)
(Whistling)
(Whistling)
It`s not too bad.
There`s even a space for your pictures.
Look, it won`t be too long till
I sort out this mess and get you outta here.
Just don`t do anything stupid.
I`m counting on you.
- Yes, sir.
- Don`t just say it, do it.
By the way...
Marie asked me to give you this.
Right, l`m off.
In you go. Take the bed next to him
and find yourself an empty locker.
All right, Fergus?
- What are you here for?
- Same as you, nothing.
Hey!
You think you`re a couple of hard men?
Well, if needs be, l`m a hard man.
Understand?
What have you got there?
None of your business.
So, they didn`t believe you, eh?
Believe what?
That Riley took the tractor.
Oh, I dunno, I never told `em.
- You never told `em. Why not?
- What?
And let that little rat get all the credit?
You must be joking.
Geronimo, you know what you are,
don`t you?
No, what`s that?
A tosspot, a real tosspot.
(Laughs)
Right!
(Both laugh)
(Laughter)
(Laughs)
(Screams)
(Both laugh)
(Woman) And so ended
the war of the buttons.
And what of these brave boys?
Well, one became my husband,
and the other is our oldest friend,
but I`m not gonna tell you
which is which.
I grew up in a tiny village by the sea.
It was here that my best friend, a boy,
was fighting with another boy,
who lived in the next village.
Sounds silly,
but they were always fighting.
Typical boys.
Come on!
Wait, wait, wait for me.
Fellas, hang on!
- (All) Father!
- (Bike bell)
(All talk at once)
Only 1 0p, Father.
(Priest) Get out of it.
(Boy) Let`s try the wharf.
- Morning, Father.
- Marie.
Come on!
Wanna buy some tickets for the draw?
It`s for the hospital in Skibb. The master,
he says you never know the moment.
That`s true enough,
but you`re too late, son,
the Carrickdowse boys
have beaten you to it.
The Carrick boys,
what are you buying off them for,
when your own kids are stuck with them?
We`re loaded up with tickets, son,
you can ask so much of a man
and no more.
Isn`t that the god`s truth?
We`ve more tickets than fish. (Laughs)
Jonjo, they won`t have reached him yet.
- Jonjo!
- We`ll catch him at the bridge.
Thanks for nothing, you mean scabs!
Hoy!
Wait till I talk to your father.
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo!
Jonjo, wait up!
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo, wait up!
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo!
- Jonjo!
- (Beeps horn)
- Jonjo!
- (All talk at once)
Buy some tickets?
Hey, you lot!
- Beat it!
- Get back to Carrick.
You know what that line stands for.
Keep on your own side
and leave our postman alone.
Rubbish, he`s nobody`s postman.
He belongs to everyone.
He`s ours till he leaves Ballydowse.
Yeah, this half of the bridge is ours.
When he`s on your side, you have him,
till then, keep your hands off.
- Yeah, keep your stinkin` hands off.
- What did you say?
Keep your stinkin` hands off.
Whose stinkin` hands?
- Oi!
- Ahh! Leave me alone.
- l`ll tell Fergus, Fergus`ll kill you.
- Fergus isn`t here, is he, you little wanker.
(Shouting)
Help!
Help me!
Get Fergus!
Fergus! Fergus!
Fergus, the Carricks, on the bridge.
They`ve got Little Con.
You wanna go in, eh?
You wanna go for a swim?
No! Help me! Help!
Someone! No! Help!
Help!
And what was that about my hands?
Nothing, nothing!
- (All shouting)
- Here, cut that out.
- Help!
- Hey!
- (Whistles)
- Geronimo.
You lucky little maggot.
Now clear off, tosspot,
run off home to Mammy.
(All laugh and jeer)
(Marie) Too late.
(Fergus) Yeah.
Great!
(Little Con) Con?
(Big Con) What?
(Little Con) What does tosspot mean?
(Big Con) I don`t know. Come on.
Here... Right here.
I know what a pot is.
We all know what a pot is,
and toss.
It`s not the words,
it`s what they mean together that counts.
Come in.
Please, sir, how many swearwords
do you know?
- What makes you think I know any?
- You`re grown-up.
Me daddy knows hundreds.
Well, then,
you best put your problem to him.
(Girl) Hey! Watch it.
Who cares what it means?
It`s how bad it is that matters.
If it`s really bad, we`ve got to
come up with something worse.
- Sir doesn`t even know what it means.
- You never said it to him, did you?
I never said it, not to his face.
- (Bike bell)
- (Priest) Out of the way, boys.
Good work, Little Con.
Gerard.
Do you like lollipops?
See the church?
Go tell the priest... (Whispers)
(Bell)
Now we`ll see
how bad the bloody word is.
(Quietly) Tosspot, tosspot,
tosspot, tosspot.
(Master) Pitiful. Pitiful effort.
(Whispers) Hey, Tim, any sign yet?
Not yet.
(Master) I hope the moment never arrives
for any of you.
Oi! Come back here!
- They`re off!
- (All) They`re off!
Hey! Get back to your seats!
- (Cheering)
- Get back to your seats now!
Oh!
(Priest) l`ll see your mother, you little lout.
On your way now!
On your way!
Seats, seats,
come on, come on, move it!
(All talking among themselves)
Got the paint?
- Lime green or electric blue?
- Forget the green, keep the blue.
- And l`ve got a torch.
- Great. What`s the time?
It`s 9:15.
Hey, fellas, wait for me.
(Panting)
I`ve been feeding the calves,
l`m puffed out.
Keep it down.
Big Con is still to come.
Here he is now.
What`s he doing here?
This is a guerrilla operation,
it`s no place for kids.
Wasn`t it me
that was held over the water?
- He`s got a point.
- It was the only way we could get out.
We said we`d take the master his eggs.
- I thought your dad was on the boats.
- His mum keeps chickens.
- Is it herring they`re after?
- Hake.
- Shut up, the pair of you.
- l`m discussing his daddy`s catch.
You wanna talk fishin`,
get yourselves out.
We`ve a war on here,
concentrate.
OK. Only the bridge is in the open,
we clear it as quick as we can.
After that, we cut through the woods.
I`m not going through any woods!
These trousers are brand-new.
Then get off home to your mammy.
- Says who?
- I do. I`m leading this expedition.
Why you?
We haven`t had a vote yet.
- OK, all in favour of me, say aye.
- (All) Aye.
- (Dog barking)
- (Whispers) Take your shoes off.
(Dogs barking)
(Whispers) Come on.
(Door opens)
He`s coming.
Little Con, get out there, quick.
I can`t. I`m scared.
What`s there to be scared about?
You`re only a little kid with eggs. Go on!
So, it`s you, is it,
makin` all them dogs bark?
- Oh!
- (Eggs smash)
Are you all right? Hey?
Come over here
and we`ll have a look at you.
Come in, we`ll fix you up.
My brother...
They`ve got him.
He`s a prisoner of war.
- Thanks a bundle for bringing him.
- (Door slams)
- Who have you got there?
- I dunno.
- What`s his name?
- I don`t know, I can`t get a word out of him.
- Are you dumb, is it?
- Michael...
you`ve the bedside manner
of a bullock.
The poor little boy`s in shock.
Can`t you see that?
Yelling and bawling at him like that.
I wasn`t yelling and bawling at him.
I was enquiring.
God help us if you ever start,
the whole town`ll be tortured.
We have to find out
where he comes from,
walking around in the night with his eggs.
His father`ll be shouting
and roarin` round lookin` for him.
Give him time, the little boy`s had
a nasty shock, haven`t you, darlin`?
- l`ll get him something to buck him up.
- Michael, he`s only a child.
(Michael) I was taking whiskey
with me mother`s milk.
(Mother) Aye, and look at
the state of you now.
(Michael) Here you go.
He`s drinkin` whiskey in Geronimo`s house,
with himself and Gorilla at the table.
- Great!
- Great?
He`ll keep them busy.
Give us the paint.
Boffin, you come too,
l`ll need you for the spelling.
The rest of you, cover us.
Hold this, Boffin.
Are you sure, Fergus?
It`s a church. It`s a mortal sin.
Like I say, this is war.
(Laughs) A kid and a half this,
no mistake.
(Mother) How are you feeling, son?
I smashed me eggs.
It`s his eggs he`s fretting over.
Is that all it is?
Sure we`ve bushels of eggs.
Jerome, go out the back
and fill his box with eggs.
- What?
- Do as your mammy says.
- l`m not waiting on him.
- He`s busy, he`s doing his lessons, mister.
Busy? Well, you can give him a hand.
Eggs! Now, the pair of yous
and don`t argue.
- (Door bangs)
- Try makin` a bit more noise.
One for the road?
S.
S.
(Car approaching)
- (Hoots)
- (Whistles)
A car. Quick.
Finished.
Boffin, come on.
(Dogs barking)
Thanks. Good night.
(Michael) And mind them eggs now.
Yes.
(Loudly) In the merry month of May
From me home I started
Left the girls of Tuam
Nearly broken-hearted
Salute me father dear
Kiss me darlin` mother
Drank a pint of beer
Me grief and tears to smother...
My brother, he`s drunk as a skunk.
(All laugh)
To banish ghosts and goblins
(All) A brand-new pair of brogues
Rattled over the bogs
Frightened all the dogs
On the rocky road to Dublin
One, two, three, four, five
Hunt the hare
And turn her down the rocky road
And all the way to Dublin
Whacks fer al de da
In the merry month of May
From my home I started
Left the girls of Tuam
Nearly broken-hearted
Salute me father dear
Kiss me darlin` mother
Drank a pint of beer
My grief and tears to smother
Off to reap the corn
Leave where I was born...
(Church bell)
Hold it.
What`s happening?
Can you see any Carricks?
(Fergus) No, but they`ll be there.
Give us a look.
Hey, lads, I think I feel a bit woozy.
- Bad luck.
- (They laugh)
- Oh!
- Take cover!
That`s right, hide why don`t you?
Don`t show your ugly mugs,
the shock would sink our boat.
- What`s your problem, tosspot?
- We haven`t got a problem.
Have you finished scrubbing the paint
- from the old chapel board?
- (All laugh)
Scrubbin`? What would yous know about
scrubbin`, you dirty bunch of knackers?
(All laugh)
Does yer mammy still wash her knickers
in the kitchen sink?
She doesn`t have a kitchen sink.
Come on up to Carrickdowse,
we`ll lend you a bath.
A bath? Does it have
your rubber ducky in it, Gorilla?
(Laughter)
Does your mammy still powder your bum,
ya big girl`s blouse?
- (All laugh)
- You wait!
- Gorilla`s got a boulder.
- He hasn`t got the guts.
- Yeah?
- Oh!
(All cheer)
Get us out of here, quick.
(All shouting and jeering)
(Makes clucking noises)
Tomorrow, after school,
at Murphy`s Dunes.
You die. D`you hear?
The whole flamin` lot of you.
(Jeering, clucking sounds)
Chicken! Chickens!
Sir`s coming.
Sir, those are our toilets.
Is that so?
(Running water)
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,
who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?
(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,
who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?
(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(Gorilla) Two, four, five, six,
who`s the boys that`s got `em licked?
(All) Carricks, Carricks, Carricks!
(Gorilla) Two, four, six, eight,
who`s the pillocks that we hate?
(All) Ballys, Ballys, Ballys!
(All cheer)
- Is that it?
- Is that the best you can do?
Where`s your mates?
I thought you came for a fight.
Maybe their mammies
wouldn`t let them out.
Who rattled your cage, Gorilla?
What`s up,
haven`t you had your bananas yet?
Well, chew on these
and shut your face.
Big boy now, eh?
You weren`t so full of lip on the bridge.
- Ah, belt up, monkey.
- Belt up?
Wait till I get down there,
l`ll flatten you!
Watch it, it`s a trap.
- You`re full of crap, apehead.
- Get back up your tree, Gorilla.
- Monkey, monkey, monkey.
- (Monkey noises)
I`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!
- Gorilla, get back! D`you hear me?
- l`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!
I`ll kill you!
Come on!
(Gorilla) l`ll tear your heads off.
Wait till I catch you, you`ll die!
- Now!
- Argh!
Come on!
- Charge!
- (Shouting)
Come on, get outta here.
Come on, get back, get up the hill.
What do we do about Gorilla?
- l`ll kill you!
- Leave him.
That`ll teach him
to obey my flamin` orders.
Up against the tree, lads.
(All laugh and jeer)
Don`t hurt me, don`t hurt me!
Stand back!
Give us your knife, Tich.
What are you gonna do?
Don`t hurt me, l`ll tell me dad.
(All laugh)
Well, now, me brave bullyboy,
what shall we cut off first?
- His ears.
- His tongue.
- His nose, cut off his nose.
- (All laugh)
I think wee Con
should have the right to choose.
His willy, cut off his willy.
(All laugh)
I`ll tell the priest.
Not without a tongue, you won`t.
What does it matter, bullyboy, eh,
ears, nose, tongue,
if a fella keeps his pride?
And you, my fine brave boy,
have nothing to be proud about at all.
(All cheer)
Now tell your daddy and the priest,
and tell your mate Geronimo,
tell them all what they`ll get if they mess
with the boys from Ballydowse.
(All cheer)
You haven`t seen the last of us.
(All laugh)
(Whispers)
Little Con, come here.
Hold out your hands.
Trophies from the Battle of Murphy`s Dunes.
(All cheer)
In the merry month of May
From my home I started
Left the girls of Tuam
nearly broken-hearted
Salute me father dear
Kissed me darlin` mother
Drank a pint of beer
Me grief and tears to smother...
Secondly, you need to be a citizen
of the country in question.
Thirdly, you must have reached
the ripe old age of 1 8, God help us,
and fourthly, your name
must be on the electoral roll.
Tonight they`ve challenged.
Jonjo brought a note.
Haven`t they had enough?
We`ll give them more.
Tell the others.
- Fergus?
- Sir?
We`re discussing democracy,
the civilised running of a civilised state.
Do you wish to take part or are
other considerations more pressing?
- Yes, sir. No, sir.
- l`m grateful.
Now, four points necessary
to qualify to vote - name them.
They concern citizenship, me bucko.
Freedom!
A condition you`re favourite to lose tonight
if you don`t at least take a plunge.
Not tonight, sir. Another night, eh?
Other nights don`t fit the bill. Have a go,
man. Where`s your fighting spirit?
Geography, sir,
you`ve got to know your geography.
Does one no harm, Pat,
to know your place in the world,
but that won`t get you a vote.
- You`ve got to belong to the country?
- Which country?
- lreland, sir, you`ve got to be lrish.
- Right on one.
Now, what else?
(Whispers) If he`s kept in, we`ve had it.
Number two, could you have a vote,
for instance?
(Whispers) Cos you`ve still
got no hairs on your bum.
- (All snigger)
- What`s that, Boffin?
Me, sir?
You`ve something to offer?
(Laughter)
Connor, stay in after school.
- No, sir!
- You too, Fergus, don`t argue.
- Sir, it was me.
- And you too. You live in a free country.
Men died to make it so and by God,
l`ll see you appreciate the fact.
- ldiots, we`re three light now.
- Do you think we should not go?
And let them think we`ve chickened out?
We`ve got to go. (Sighs)
(Church bell)
(Fergus) Come on, we`ll catch up with them.
Where are you going?
It`s your brother.
- Look at the state of him.
- Oh!
- What`s up with you?
- There was loads of them, all big fellas.
Where were you?
I knew I should never have come.
- Where are the others?
- I don`t know. I`m going home.
- (Wails)
- Tell Mam you fell over, OK?
And stop your yelling.
- What in hell happened to you?
- There were hundreds of `em.
- They were too strong.
- You`re joking, they`re Carricks!
- Yeah, they beat the stuffing out of us.
- Quit whingeing.
- What`s Tich done?
- Dead leg.
Leave him here, we`ll pick him up
on the way back. Come on.
Back?
Are you fit or not?
Yeah, but...
Riley?
I think...
Then come on.
- Give up, you pillock.
- Surrender.
Come and get me.
Gonna have to come down sometime.
Gonna have to pee sometime
and I know where l`ll be aiming.
Fergus!
Fergus!
Fergus is coming!
Brendan, Chick, keep him up there,
the rest of you take cover.
Look out, Fergus, they`re...
Oh!
Sorry.
(Both grunt)
Get him.
Give us a hand, will you?
(All) Fergus!
Don`t worry, l`ll be all right.
Scram!
I`ve got his neck.
- Bring him to that tree, lads.
- Yeah, you maggot!
Don`t hurt me, don`t torture me,
l`ll tell me daddy.
Cut me mickey off, would you?
Yeah!
- That`s enough.
- He did it to me.
OK, then,
Iet`s give this fella
a pig with the same snout.
(All) Yeah!
(All) Yeah!
(All) Yeah!
- (All) Yeah!
- Go on.
- Push off!
- Get back to Ballydowse.
Run off home to Mammy, tosspot!
And your daddy,
if you ever find out who he is.
Shut your mouth!
Lay off.
And where the hell
have you been, huh?
Out gallivantin`
while l`m doin` your chores.
Now, I warned you, boy,
l`ll have you sent...
Leave him eat.
You can talk about gallivantin`.
I`m workin`, sellin` horses,
to buy the crust
that he`s shovin` into his lazy gob.
It`s real hard work at those horse fairs.
Liftin` pints is fierce tirin`.
You do a deal and you drink on it,
that`s the way.
If it was up to you,
we`d be all eatin` hay, huh?
Where were you anyway,
you little bastard?
Now look what you`ve done,
you`ve ripped his bloody jacket!
It wasn`t stitched properly.
It was properly stitched
until you grabbed him, you big ape!
- Don`t you shout at me!
- Now look what you`ve done!
Shut up!
I`ve got no buttons or nothing nowhere.
No laces, no belt,
so quit yelling, the pair of you.
All my buttons are off
and my tie`s ripped to shreds.
And you`re not made of money,
so give me a good whipping
and get it over with.
Who did this to you?
You tell me or else.
If I told you, l`d only get the same,
so get it over with.
Go easy on him, that`ll do no good.
Tell him we`ll send him to school naked,
that`ll teach him.
(Fergus groans)
(Groaning continues)
(Laughs)
You`re a fool, Fergus, do you know that?
And mainly to yourself.
Yes, sir.
(Laughs)
- You`re asking for it, boyo.
- I can`t help myself, sir.
Something funny inside my head,
it won`t go.
- (Master) Have you now?
- Not a brain, that`s for sure.
You shut your face!
(Bell)
Maybe later we`ll all share the joke.
Right, playtime.
Out with the lot of you.
- You too, Fergus.
- Me, sir, aren`t I kept in?
Correct.
Wasn`t that serious enough, sir?
- What?
- Laughing, sir, to be kept in?
- Do you want to be kept in?
- No, sir.
Then keep your mouth shut.
What is it now?
- I have to know something, sir.
- What do you wanna know?
What`s serious and what`s not,
what`ll have me in trouble? It`s important.
It`s me daddy,
he says he`ll have me sent away.
Away?
- Where to?
- Just away.
He says he can get an order
or something.
Well, he can`t. Only a court.
If you`d stop foolin` about,
do something constructive...
- I can fish, catch rabbits and hares.
- Fergus...
you might be a big wee fella
in Murphy`s Dunes,
but round here, l`m the boss.
Here, I like to be respected, OK?
Just give me a bit of effort and l`ll speak up
for you if ever ``away`` is on the cards.
Yes, sir.
By the way, what was the joke back there?
I could do with a laugh.
I messed up my clothes a bit
last night, sir,
and my mammy said
she`d send me to school bare-arsed.
I find that prospect more horrifying
than amusing.
Yes, sir.
It`s just given me a funny idea.
Here. Run for it, run for it!
- What`s up with him?
- He`s done his thumb.
- The Carricks?
- Sort of.
- It was those buttons you gave him.
- Shut up, will you?
He hid them on top of the toilet, slipped,
and the whole lot came down on him.
Don`t worry, Little Con, wait till you see
what l`ve got for them next. (Laughs)
Jonjo!
Oh, no sign of peace talks yet?
Change of venue, somewhere
we can give them a real surprise.
What`s up? Too many dead bodies
piled up at Murphy`s Dunes?
- Any sign?
- No. Only Tim,
he`s trapped up there in the stones.
Fergus and the rest have chickened out.
Chickened out?
OK, surround the stones,
but keep a good lookout for the rest.
Here we are again, Tim, boy.
On your own, are you?
Coming down this time or do we drag you?
Ha! You couldn`t drag a baby
from its cradle.
Brendan, Chick, have every stitch off him.
- The rest of you...charge!
- (All) Charge!
(All shouting)
(Horn)
(All cheer)
Aargh!
(All shouting)
Charge!
Stand your ground, stand your ground!
Come back, come back, stand and fight.
Go on, lads, get `em! Go on, lads!
Hee-ah!
(Distant shouting)
Get out of me way!
(All shouting)
- We`ll get you back.
- (All) Yeah!
Now!
(Cheering)
(Cheering)
Yes!
- Ahh!
- Run!
(Groans of pain)
Oh! Oh!
- Oh!
- Shut up, will you?
I`m scratched and stung all over.
I knew I shouldn`t never have come.
Quit whingeing.
We licked `em, didn`t we?
Yeah, with girls.
And what`s wrong with girls?
Nothing.
Just like to have known, that`s all.
Prancing around stark naked`s bad enough,
having women laughing at you?
What`s up?
Ashamed of what you`ve got?
It`s a free country, l`m not fighting starkers
again, you can forget it.
Yeah, and l`m not losing no more buttons.
Some of us have got decent clothes,
even if you haven`t.
So you won`t fight, is that it?
It`s not our fault, Fergie.
Yeah, it`s our parents, they`ll kill us.
Kill us?
What`s a few buttons off to you lot, eh?
What`s your shirts destroyed to you?
Nothing.
I`m the one that`s getting sent away.
You can go to hell, the lot of you.
(Door bangs)
(Crying)
Fergus?
- Fergus, what`s wrong?
- Go away.
Go away, leave me alone.
(Master) Poblacht...
- (Master continues speaking Gaelic)
- (Whispers) Oi!
(Master speaks Gaelic)
Gimme that paper, Riley.
- Paper, sir?
- Yes, in the lrish...
(Speaks Gaelic)
Paper in your hand.
Did you not know it was there?
We learn something every day.
Sit down.
Fergus, did you write this?
Sir, I did.
Come up here.
Read it out.
- Sir?
- Read it aloud.
- To find the money...
- (Translates in Gaelic)
..to buy buttons, shoelaces,
ties and belts...
(Master translates in Gaelic)
-..everybody must...
- (ln Gaelic)
..pay a tax of one pound a week.
(Master translates in Gaelic)
Now...
Everybody, in best writing,
one hundred times in your native tongue.
(All sigh)
(All shouting)
Just bugger off, the lot of you.
What`s up with you?
One pound a week, that`s what.
Where am I gonna get a pound from?
Where are we all?
We`re all in the same boat.
- A republic, yeah.
- We`re all not equal.
Some has money and some don`t,
and I don`t.
I got none.
- Me neither.
- I get a bit on Saturdays.
OK.
Stand over there,
all those who have money.
Those who don`t,
join Little Con in the jacks.
Why should the poor
stand in the toilets?
Just because we`re broke, it`s not fair.
This isn`t equality,
it`s shaming those that have nothing.
All right, then, swap over.
Those who can pay, stand in there.
You`re jokin`. I`m not paying good money
to stand in the toilets. Forget it.
He`s right. We can`t all be equal
if some pay and some don`t.
- Exactly.
- We`re all equal if no one pays.
- (All) Yeah.
- No.
- Only when everybody pays the same.
- (All) Yeah.
Boffin, what`s equality?
Having identical privileges, rights and
status in the eyes of society and the law.
Like the Amish in America...
OK!
Forget what you`ve got in your pockets now,
that doesn`t count.
We don`t use it for the war,
it`s for our own things.
I have nothing anyway.
Me neither, but we`ve got to find ways
to make money.
Money for all of us to buy buttons
and things for the war.
Boffin, is that equality?
- Yeah, that`s equality.
- (All) Yeah.
And all the stuff, when we get it,
where we gonna keep it?
In our HQ.
- What`s an HQ?
- (Bell)
(All laugh)
Ready?
Watch your backs.
- Where will I put this?
- On the roof.
And make sure there`s no leaks.
- l`m off on my rounds now, good luck.
- Good luck.
How many buckets?
Two and a bit.
Two buckets, that`s two pounds,
and a bit, 20p.
That`s 2.20.
- Good luck.
- See you.
Where`s he going?
(Mooing)
- How many have you got?
- We can`t find none.
What do you mean?
There was loads when I passed here
this morning.
That was this morning.
What do you think they`re eating - celery?
You have to be up at the crack of dawn
to beat them lot.
Then get up.
Fergus`ll want some tomorrow, or else.
- Fox!
- A fox?
They`re worth a fortune.
A fox! A fox!
Fergus can go to hell.
Aren`t I up at the crack already,
milking our cows?
It`s Sunday tomorrow.
Tell that to the flippin` cows!
I can`t find them on my own.
Fergus, Fergus,
the boys are after a fox.
Get after it quick.
See where it goes to ground.
(All shouting)
Here, I got him here!
Right, we`ll smoke him out.
Boffin, get some dry grass.
Pat, Con, get a long stick.
- Little Con, bark.
- What?
Bark like a dog. You too, Tich,
down the hole.
(Both bark)
Boys, out the way.
Down, Boffin, quick.
- Yeah!
- Keep on poking back, keep on poking.
- Come on, Pat!
- Go on!
I can feel it moving.
- (All) Yeah!
- Go on, Pat!
Take it out!
It`s here.
- Ahh!
- (All cheer)
- (Thud)
- (All stop cheering)
It`s OK, it`s dead.
It`s a male.
Dammit.
Only half the price.
Pigs.
You pigs.
He was beautiful
and you killed him for money.
They`re killers, they all are.
They kill for the fun of it.
Yeah, like you did, all of you.
Fishy!
What happened?
Geronimo, he said
I looked too pleased with myself.
Who was supposed to be with him?
Where were you, Riley?
There wasn`t any mushrooms.
The cattle had eaten them all.
You did good, Fishy. Thanks.
- (Backfire)
- (She gasps)
Sorry, Marie.
The devil himselfs in me motor.
I`d be better off driving
the entire contraption into the sea.
It`s OK, Mr Riley. No harm done.
If we have a table here
we can all get round,
- for war councils and that.
- (All) Yeah.
Where will we get a table?
We`ll make it -
planks, a few bricks, easy.
Yeah, and an old tablecloth on it,
it`ll look great.
What`ll we sit on?
- Our bums. What do you think?
- (Laughter)
What we need is bits and pieces,
to make the place feel like a real HQ.
We`ve an old clock in the shed.
Doesn`t go, but it`ll look good.
We got a picture of Mummy and Daddy
when they got married.
- No, we don`t!
- Yes, we do, above...
We don`t want that.
This is our place, no adults.
- (All) Yeah.
- Right, a place for the treasure.
Didn`t I tell you our Marie was great?
(All cheer)
Right, nobody touch anything
till Boffin`s made a list.
- An inventory.
- That.
- (Laughter)
- Let`s have a look first.
No!
Riley, you don`t touch, you don`t see.
You did nothing for it,
so you get nothing from it.
How much did he cost us?
2.50 easy.
- Right, lads, take him outside.
- What?
Come back when you`ve earned your bit.
This isn`t a democracy.
This isn`t a republic.
- Get lost!
- Go home, Riley.
Clear off.
The whole lot of you can go to hell.
- Long live the King.
- lt`s a queen nowadays, you moron.
Then God save the Queen.
Balls to Ballydowse.
(All shout and jeer)
- What`s he done?
- Nothing, that`s just the point.
Yeah, except he let Fishy get bashed
by the Carricks.
Aye, but don`t worry, Fishy,
we`ll get `em back, won`t we?
(All) Yeah!
(Shouting)
Take aim.
(All shouting)
Fire!
Take aim.
Fire.
Aargh!
Fall back! Fall back.
Take aim.
Fire.
(Screaming)
Hold it, wait.
They`re surrendering.
Don`t you believe it.
What`s your game?
Truce.
We`ve a casualty here.
It`s a trap.
It must be.
Shut up.
OK, bring him out.
- A truce?
- A truce.
See what your flamin` catapults did.
One of you monkeys fired a stone.
- lt`s maybe broken its leg.
- You broke it, you mean.
- We don`t fire at rabbits.
- Only at you mockheads.
- We`ll make him a splint.
- Do you know how?
I did it on a pup once.
He`s young, he`s got a good chance.
Be great if you could.
- Cut me a twig.
- Billy.
- Wanna use my laces?
- No, yours are leather, mine`s string.
Riley? What are you doing here?
I thought Fergus kicked you out.
No, it`s OK, he let me back in.
I was in the fight, but I hurt my leg.
He sent me back to get it looked at.
- Looked at?
- Yeah, l`m injured.
OK. Sit down,
l`ll have a look at it for you.
Now, where does it hurt?
Me ankle.
It`s great being here on our own,
isn`t it, Marie?
- Go on, get out, Riley.
- Why, what`s wrong?
You`re not injured, you`re just a big kid.
Big kid?
And what`s Fergus and the rest, eh?
Playing house like a pack of girls.
Get out of my sight, you`re pathetic.
- You`ll look pathetic when I tell the master.
- You wouldn`t dare.
We`ll see.
Get out!
OK, what now?
What`s the time?
It`s ten past eight.
It`s a bit late.
We ought to be getting back.
Right, lads, back off,
but keep your guard up,
we don`t trust this lot an inch.
What was that? Was it us
waving the white flag, surrendering?
It was a truce, muttonhead.
Watch `em.
A truce? You`re all talk. What`s up,
scared of another hammering?
Funny, I can`t remember the first one.
(All laugh)
Yeah, and how about your da?
Maybe you`re scared he`ll give you one
when I send you home in shreds.
What was that?
Right, we`ll sort this out once and for all.
Saturday,
and this time to the bloody death.
- (Both spit)
- (All) Yeah!
The great battle of Kinsale had been
a disaster for the huge Spanish army,
who`d come to help the lrish in their fight
against their common enemy.
Elizabeth.
(Laughter)
The O`Driscolls,
the great clan of these parts,
had lent their castles to these Spanish,
in exchange
for fresh cannon and ammunition.
Buttons.
- Buttons.
- Did you say something, Riley?
I said buttons, sir.
That`s all.
With regard to what?
Nothing, sir.
Then button it,
or l`ll button it for you, OK?
Sir.
And now, to their horror,
the O`Driscolls realised
that their defeated allies
were bent on handing the castles over
to the enemy,
as part of their grubby terms of surrender.
- The O`Driscolls would have none of this...
- (Kids) Yeah!
..and led by the chief of the clan,
they set about retrieving their homes
and their honour.
So Bunduff, their main castle
was besieged,
- and the Spaniards thrown out.
- (Cheering)
But...the victorious O`Driscolls joy
was short-lived,
and l`ll tell you about that next week.
(All) Oh, sir!
(Master) Have a good weekend.
Maybe they won`t come.
They`ll come.
They`re here, the Ballys are here.
- Where are they?
- (All murmuring)
Quiet!
(Buttons jingling, rattling)
(All cheer)
Would you look at that.
He`s got himself a horse.
You can give up now
and we`ll let you home,
if you shout Ballydowse is the best
and will be to the end of the world.
(All cheer)
You`re all blather.
Come up here and get us if you dare,
- and we`ll show you who`s best.
- (All) Yeah!
All right, then, to the death!
Prepare for attack. Just keep them
down there, we`re relying on you.
For England and St George?
(Tuts) Shut up, will you.
Are you ready, me buckos?
(All cheer)
For Ballydowse and lreland.
- Charge!
- (Whinnies)
(Shouting)
Fire!
Fire!
(All shouting)
Charge!
Come on, get `em!
Charge!
(Shouting)
Fire at will!
Empty the buckets.
Hold them off the stairs.
(Horse whinnying)
(Shouting, screaming)
(Cries of pain)
Get into `em! Get into `em!
Come on, boys, get `em!
Aargh!
Aargh!
Get back out there!
You`ll never get me, Fergie!
Gorilla!
Get him, Tich.
(Whinnying)
Aargh!
(Battle cry
Come on, Boffin boy.
Aargh!
Fergus, help me!
Go on, go on, go on!
Go on, lads, get into `em! Come on!
Aargh!
Get out of it!
Geronimo!
Give us your knife, Pat.
They`ve got Geronimo! Geronimo!
- Bally forever!
- Get out of it!
(Jeering and shouting)
(Jeering)
(Cheering)
(Cheering)
(All cheer)
(Cheering)
Yeah!
(Jeering)
(Bus driver) Carrickdowse.
Wait a minute.
- Bye.
- Thank you very much.
- How are you, Mick, how`s it going?
- Cyril!
Shift yourself.
Shift yourself.
- Are you well?
- Not bad, not bad.
Where are you off to?
I`m off to town.
Hi, Geronimo.
It`s Jerome to you.
I`m in to pick up the hoover,
blew up last week. Yourself?
I`m going in to pay for the new tractor.
Mortgaged up to the hairs on me head,
God help me,
but she`s worth it, every penny.
Bang up to date.
(Cheering)
Quiet, everyone.
Boffin will make the opening speech.
(Cheering)
Now our battle`s won and oh, what fun
to see the Carricks on the run,
on Murphy`s Dunes, Gleniff as well,
and Bunduff too, it`s true to tell,
we sent them packing, back to hell.
(Cheering)
So, here`s to Fergus and Marie,
Fat Pat, Fishy, Tim and me,
Tich and Peter, Cons big and small,
and all who answer to Bally`s call.
So get around and we`ll rejoice
and sing of victory in one loud voice,
and of time`s to come, we`ll recall,
with the help of these trophies
on the wall,
the boys of Bally, hear us all.
(All cheer)
Right, a toast!
To the siege of Bunduff Castle.
(All cheer)
Where we made the Carricks
paddle in their own shite.
- Hey, language! We`re not like them.
- (All cheer)
One, two, three.
Come on, Marie.
Go on, Marie.
(Cheering)
Go on, Marie, go!
Where are you going?
I`ll be ten minutes, Dad.
I`m checking the oil.
Kids nowadays, huh?
Technological geniuses.
He`s a great mechanic,
brilliant with his hands.
Isn`t that a Carrick boy
that just jumped on?
Eh?
(Penny whistles playing, cheering)
Yee-ha!
Go on. Go on, show us how to dance!
(Vehicle approaches)
Quiet!
- lt`s only a tractor.
- lt`s somebody ploughing.
- On a Sunday?
- In the woods?
- It is a tractor.
- Whose is it?
Can`t see. It`s blue.
Who`s got a blue tractor?
Flamin` heck - Riley!
- What?
- His dad bought a new one yesterday.
Showed it to me daddy,
proud as punch.
What colour was it?
Blue, and Riley`s riding on the back of it.
(Yelling)
(Yells)
Beats your horse, eh, Fergus?
Beats your flamin` horse!
(All yell in alarm)
Aargh!
(Screams)
(Coughs)
(Metallic thud)
He made me do it.
He made me give him the keys.
My dad`s new tractor!
The tractor!
What am I gonna do?
(Roars)
I`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!
Get up!
Look at it.
You`ve destroyed our house!
We worked for it, built it ourselves,
and you made us run.
Helped a Carrick and made us run.
They`ll laugh at us
until the end of the world.
Stick a needle in his eyes.
Make him eat horse crap.
Burn him!
Burn the traitor`s feet.
(All) Yeah!
Take off your clothes.
Please...
Take `em off!
All of them!
You betrayed us,
betrayed us all.
Please!
Please don`t torture me.
We won`t touch you.
Burn them.
Now get off home.
We`ll let your daddy do the hurting.
(Mooing)
Come out, come out, the lot of you!
Come out!
Come out,
the lot of yous!
Don`t be shy.
Come out and see
what your brave boys have done.
All of `em.
Hooligans!
Animals!
Drunk!
They stripped him,
and tortured him,
and wrecked my new tractor!
I`m telling yous all now,
l`m warning yous,
expect a letter,
legal proceedings are underway,
and I intend to sue
every last one of you,
for every penny you`ve got.
Didn`t I tell you it was that boy, Fergus?
He`s the bloody ringleader.
And it`s always the poor parents
who have to suffer.
Keep your heads up, lads.
Remember, we won the war, didn`t we?
(All) Yeah.
What do you think they`ll do to us?
- Who cares?
- Maybe he hasn`t told them.
He`d have to,
he didn`t have any clothes on.
(All laugh)
What do we do now?
Little Con, you go first with Tich.
- You`re only kids, they won`t blame you.
- l`m not going.
We`ll all go together,
get it over with. OK, Fergus?
No, they`ll send me away.
After what he`ll have said we`ve done,
I won`t stand a chance.
We didn`t do anything.
Do you think they`ll believe that?
(Tim) He`s right. Come on, Marie.
- But where will you go?
- Somewhere where they won`t find me.
- Good luck.
- l`ll be OK.
(All) Bye, Fergus.
Little Con... you lead us in.
Me?
(Shouts of pain)
Had a good hiding, has he?
- What does it look like?
- I should bloody hope so!
Deserves to be put away, if you ask me.
Who`s asking you?
What about your kids, huh? Running around
like animals, tearing up good clothes?
Typical Ballydowse,
always a bunch of maniacs.
Maniacs! Maniacs, is it, huh?
Whose little bastard did I see climbing
into me tractor and leading my kid astray?
Don`t call my kid a bastard.
OK, then, a shite.
How does that suit you? Shite!
I`ll tear your tongue out, you runt!
The whole lot o` yous!
Don`t make me laugh. I could lick you
when I was a kid and I can lick you now.
For God sake, fellas, calm down.
It`s this kid Fergus`s fault.
Didn`t he start the whole bloody thing?
Right.
Let`s go and find him, then,
before he has
the whole place destroyed.
It`s your kid we`re talking about.
He`s out there running wild.
So is this horse.
He`s drowned in sweat.
I`ll be lucky to fight the chill away from it,
and it cost me a bloody fortune.
To hell with the horse.
What about your son?
It`s late, he`s on his own,
what are you gonna do about it?
That`s where you`ve got it wrong,
teacher.
He`s no son of mine.
Ask her whose he is.
It doesn`t matter whose brat he is,
he`s gotta be found and stopped,
before he kills someone stone-dead.
Don`t be so melodramatic, he`s a kid.
If you do get him, you hammer him
and shove him off somewhere,
where he`ll do no more harm
to neither man nor beast.
Sergeant...
have you seen my young fella?
Fergus, come out!
Come out now!
Fergus!
Come out now.
Fergus?
Fergus?
All mended now, pal.
What are you doing?
I saw the smoke.
I`m on the run too.
- They think I stole the tractor.
- I thought Riley gave you the keys.
- He told them I made him do it.
- And they believed him.
Typical.
Do you want some?
Sorry about the house.
Forget it.
It was a great idea, the tractor,
better than a horse.
Recognise him?
He healed a treat.
(Geronimo) That`s good.
Why did we do it?
- What?
- Why did we fight?
For the hell of it. What else is there?
Let`s go back and face them.
We can take them on together.
I can`t.
They`ll send me away for certain.
I`ll stick up for you.
What I did was worse than you.
They haven`t got a clue.
I`ll tell `em.
(Bugle)
That`s your Tim.
(Bugle)
It`s the police,
they must`ve followed you here.
They`ve come to take me away.
Thanks a bundle.
Fergus! No, Fergus!
Fergus, come back. Fergus!
(Man over megaphone) Stay where you are.
Stay exactly where you are.
(Panting)
There they are!
(Master) Mother of God!
(Gasps)
(Tim) Geronimo!
Stay where you are.
Stay exactly where you are.
Don`t endanger yourself.
Stay put.
Get that chopper outta here,
it`ll blow them off.
Michael, Michael,
get away from there.
(Gasps)
Fergus!
Fergus!
Help me!
Hold on!
- Let go.
- I can`t.
Let go, l`ve got you.
(Grunts)
It`s all right, you`re safe now.
I`ve got you, OK?
Yeah.
(Both) Aargh!
(Cheering)
(Whistling)
(Whistling)
It`s not too bad.
There`s even a space for your pictures.
Look, it won`t be too long till
I sort out this mess and get you outta here.
Just don`t do anything stupid.
I`m counting on you.
- Yes, sir.
- Don`t just say it, do it.
By the way...
Marie asked me to give you this.
Right, l`m off.
In you go. Take the bed next to him
and find yourself an empty locker.
All right, Fergus?
- What are you here for?
- Same as you, nothing.
Hey!
You think you`re a couple of hard men?
Well, if needs be, l`m a hard man.
Understand?
What have you got there?
None of your business.
So, they didn`t believe you, eh?
Believe what?
That Riley took the tractor.
Oh, I dunno, I never told `em.
- You never told `em. Why not?
- What?
And let that little rat get all the credit?
You must be joking.
Geronimo, you know what you are,
don`t you?
No, what`s that?
A tosspot, a real tosspot.
(Laughs)
Right!
(Both laugh)
(Laughter)
(Laughs)
(Screams)
(Both laugh)
(Woman) And so ended
the war of the buttons.
And what of these brave boys?
Well, one became my husband,
and the other is our oldest friend,
but I`m not gonna tell you
which is which.