War on Everyone (2016) Movie Script
1
I've always wondered if you hit a mime,
does he make a sound?
Well, now you know.
I lost my teeth.
What is he saying?
I don't know, something about "teesh"?
Oh, he lost his teeth.
Terry.
Hey! You sons of bitches
ain't going anywhere!
I saw the whole damn thing.
I'm calling the police.
We are the police.
"All oppression creates a state of war."
Simone de Beauvoir.
No, it's Pierre-Joseph Proudhon,
the father of anarchism.
It's not Simone de Beauvoir,
the feminist existentialist.
- I bet you 50 bucks.
- I'll take that bet.
- Hey, Uncle Terry.
- How's it hanging, Csar?
Little early in the day, Terry.
- It's midnight in Tokyo.
- Mmm.
- Hey, Uncle Terry.
- Hey, Lil' Bob.
Where's my Xbox?
How the fuck should I know?
Oh, you know what? It's up my ass.
Do you wanna go see it?
It's in the den.
I hit your car, Bob.
- Again?
- Yeah.
Is it bad?
We should take my car.
You had a nice swim, honey?
My eyes hurt.
I told you, Bob.
You put too much chlorine in that pool.
No, no, no. I followed
those instructions to a T.
He's been up to something.
- No, I haven't.
- "No, I haven't."
All little innocent Little Lord fucking
Fauntleroy over here.
- Stop it.
- I've been itching all weekend.
I'm trying to digest over here.
When was the last time you had sex?
Thursday.
And when did you start itching?
Saturday, in late afternoon,
early evening.
It's thrush.
What's thrush?
- I wore a condom.
- It don't matter.
- What do I do about it?
- You go to a drugstore.
They'll give you some cream
or something. You'll be fine.
What's thrush, Pop?
Thrush is a small
to medium-sized songbird.
Now, get the fuck out of here.
Can you guys not discuss his genital
complaints while I'm trying to eat?
Is that too much to ask for?
This looks like dick and balls now.
- See you later, Dolores.
- See you later, Terry.
He's fucking broke it, Mom.
No! Oh, you know what?
- It is broken.
- Mom!
Don't litter, man.
You're gonna make me look bad in front
of all of my fucking white neighbours.
Let's go fuck some scumbags.
What are they doing now?
Looking at the exhibits. What the fuck
do you think they're doing?
- This is a waste of time.
- No, it's not.
What do you think the Webb brothers
are doing in a fucking balloon museum?
You think they're researching
the history of aeronautics? No.
Look at this guy point.
You're not fooling anybody, buddy.
You think they're gonna heist the place?
Well, it's popular with the yokels,
but I reckon it's just a meet.
- Oh. Hold it right there. Yeah.
- Here? Here? Right here?
The light is perfect.
- Like this?
- Yeah, that's really nice.
That's Jim Harris and his fucking yo-yo.
Thought he was inside.
He broke out of Riker's Island
two months ago.
Who's the other guy with the kid?
No idea. What kind of bum
brings his kid to a meet, though?
- Eyes here. Eyes here.
- I don't even see you.
Why am I looking there?
There we go.
- Oh.
- Look.
Yo-yos were once, um,
- outlawed in Damascus.
- Huh!
It was believed that
they were causing a drought.
Look at all those fucking assholes working.
Suckers!
Welcome back, boys!
How did we enjoy our sabbatical?
It was very pleasant,
it was very relaxing.
I masturbated a lot.
"Enforced sabbatical", I should have said.
What's a "sabbatical"?
Okay.
So Laurel and Hardy here, huh?
Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
Siegfried and Roy, Sacco and Vanzetti,
Abelard and Hlose.
Is this a quiz?
No, it's not a quiz.
This is your last chance.
OK?
This is it.
There'll be no more suspensions from duty.
That's great!
You will be out on your asses next time.
Oh, that's not great.
You'd be out on your asses already, frankly,
if the powers that be could prove
some of the rumours I've been hearing.
Yeah, but you know what they say
about rumours, though.
Rumours are the mothers of invention.
No, necessity's the mother of invention.
What are rumours, then?
- Rumours are...
- Silencio!
Assaulting a fellow officer,
that's one thing.
Bribery and corruption charges
against you and that's it,
that's goodnight, Irene.
We were provoked, man.
- Bob was provoked!
- Same thing.
Look, fellas.
I agree with you about the race issue. OK?
I'm married to a chink myself,
for Christ's sake.
I got chink kids.
Look at their faces.
- Wow.
- Those are good-looking boys.
I know how you felt, Bob, believe me.
But still, that's no excuse
for assaulting a fellow officer.
Doesn't matter what they say.
He called me a wetback!
He knows damn well I was born here!
He's a big, fat, racist pig is what he is!
Yes! He's a big, fat, racist pig. Granted.
No argument there, guys.
But look around.
This is the police department.
We're surrounded by big, fat, racist pigs.
So work with me here, OK?
Now, what have we learned here?
Don't assault a fellow officer,
even if... even if he is a racist pig.
Yes. And?
- Something about rumours.
- Rumours.
No.
Chinese kids?
- No.
- Oh, oh, oh.
Bribery and corruption.
Yes, bribery and corruption!
What about bribery and corruption?
Oh, there's a part two.
Uh...
Don't get involved with it?
Don't get involved with it
in any way, shape or form.
Bribery and corruption, bad!
Excellent!
Progress has been made!
Exeunt stage left.
Hey, who's that asshole
used to pal around with Harris?
Negro gentleman,
got pinched for the toasters.
Reggie Hayes.
Reggie Hayes.
He, uh, changed it, though, didn't he?
Changed his name.
Joined the Nation of Islam. Reggie X.
Reggie X!
Fuckin'...
Who's this?
- Glen Campbell.
- Great song.
Masterpiece.
Do you see him?
Probably skulking somewhere.
That's what these criminal types do.
Skulk.
Oh, there he is.
Reggie!
As salaam alaikum.
Doesn't seem very pleased
to see us, Terry.
What's the craic, lads?
You know how to read, don't you,
you Mick bastard?
Or would that be too much to ask?
I'm actually dyslexic. All right?
And I find that statement
to be highly discriminatory.
Are you an actor?
Because they all
seem to be dyslexic nowadays.
It used to be called stupidity.
You know these fucking pricks, do you?
You shouldn't have done that.
Well, what's he gonna do? Tell his momma?
God!
What the fuck? I ain't done shit!
Oh, what's that, Terry?
It sure ain't origami, Bob.
You gotta be kidding me.
I suspect it may well be what the authorities
would call a controlled substance.
No!
Mmm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
That is most definitely
a controlled substance.
And you say you found this
on the defendant's person, Detective?
- Is that correct?
- It was hidden in his anus, Your Honour.
Oh, you dirty motherfucker!
You dirty motherfucker!
You're a dealer now, Reggie.
You two are fucked up.
You still running around
with Jimmy Harris?
Not since back in the day,
before the motherfucker moved up a gear.
I guess some people's ambitions
go beyond selling toasters, you know?
OK, you know what? You don't even
know the whole level I'm on.
These were designer
fucking stolen toasters, man.
Yes, yes! This big fucking shit, man.
Philippe Starck, Moschino.
- Fancy shit?
- Yeah, fancy fucking shit.
- Okay.
- Yeah, Moschino shit, man.
Moschino don't make fucking toasters!
But you're friends with him, right?
We knew each other, we're acquaintances.
Oh, OK. Well, have you heard that this
acquaintance of yours is back in town?
- I heard.
- You did? OK.
So, we've been surveilling
the Webb brothers.
Do you know about the Webb brothers?
- Everybody knows the Webb brothers.
- OK. Good, good, good.
Progress already. We're making progress.
OK, so, they're up to something.
You know, like something nefarious.
I mean, so our informants tell us.
And where would we be
without our informants, Terry?
- Fucking nowhere.
- Fucking no where's right, dude!
Fucking nowhere, dude!
So Jimmy Harris and the Webbs
are, you know, hooked up.
Ergo...
- Ergo...
- Ergo what, motherfucker?
- Ergo.
- Ergo what? What the fuck is that?
They're planning a fucking robbery.
Bingo!
Keep it down. Keep it down...
And we're gonna fuck 'em up
and you're gonna help us.
What the fuck?
Shit!
Cops.
Oh, shit! Hey, we are the cops!
Motherfuckers!
For a second, I forgot!
You see how I got all like, "Fuck!"
I know, but I was there, too.
I was like, "Where, where?"
If I don't help you, what, are you gonna
bust me for possession?
Educated man, Terry! This is...
Fuck! This is good coke.
There's a shitload more
where that came from.
Where did you guys get this?
We fucked over a mime.
They're off and running!
Oh, Your Lordship.
She's a three-year-old.
Lovely little filly.
What's she like in the saddle?
I haven't ridden her yet. She's, uh...
She's a little...
Excuse me. One of my trainers.
Do keep me informed of any further
development, won't you?
Of course.
You know, I hate champagne.
Why do I drink it, then?
One of those unresolved mysteries of life.
How's my crew? Or, how are my crew?
Whichever is grammatically correct.
Well, sir,
the Webbs, um, are just checked in.
Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the other thing?
The other thing.
As you can guess, I imagine,
Reynard wants more money.
Of course he does.
- What do you want me to do about him?
- Well...
I want you to pay him.
We'll get the money back.
I'm afraid I'll end up in jail first.
Oh, Russell.
Jail's not too bad.
You know what the worst thing about jail is?
No, Your Lordship, I do not.
The violent anal sex.
But do you know what the best thing
about jail is, Russell?
The violent anal sex?
You know, you're pretty quick
for an American.
Jimmy used to go out with this dancer,
Jacqueline Hollis.
Rumour is he's shacked up with her.
You have an address?
No, but I do know she works
at the, uh, this club, Knockouts. Yeah.
Of course, that means you two will
actually have to do, you know,
"Police work".
Now, don't be getting obstreperous
with me, motherfucker.
I'll knock your ass into Indochina.
Here we go.
What the fuck is that?
Cocksucking Cowboys.
Bollocks are still sore
and I didn't do anything to you.
Well, the world's full of injustice, pal.
Call Amnesty International
if you wanna do something about it.
Salud.
- Ah.
- Ah!
I thought you guys didn't drink.
- How do you mean?
- Muslims.
I'm a Five Percenter.
Mmm, OK.
Do you know what the fuck that means?
I know what that means.
Do you know this other douchebag?
What am I, Huggy Bear now?
Huggy Bear.
Mmm.
Those fellas in the car
with the white stripe.
Who took these? A fucking epileptic?
No, Robert Mapplethorpe over here.
A little something was wrong with the, uh...
With the thing?
Yeah, with the thing.
Oh, yeah, the thing can be tricky.
Hey, motherfucker,
I could bust you right now for...
Hey! I got multiple sclerosis, OK?
It helps to relieve the symptoms.
You're dyslexic
and you have multiple sclerosis?
Mmm.
Yeah, I've had a lot
of hard luck in my life.
You can't even spell sclerosis.
S-C-L-E...
Oh, fuck.
Look, I don't know.
Hey, it's Reynard. Clifford Reynard.
I used to steal cars with him.
I mean, I think he's a driver now.
Well, he's a fucking prick, anyways.
Hey.
I claim my prize.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
The flexibility.
You should have seen her when she was 15.
You guys looking for me?
Well, if you're the manager
of this shithole, then yes, we are.
I'm Detective Bolao. Detective Monroe.
You are...
Russell Birdwell.
What's the problem?
We're looking for the address of
one of your dancers. Jacqueline Hollis?
Jackie Hollis?
Jackie Hollis, whatever.
She doesn't work for me any more,
she quit.
Yeah, I didn't ask you
if she's currently employed here.
I asked you for her address.
She in some kind of trouble?
Just give us her fucking address.
You guys are adorable.
Where are you guys from? What precinct?
We're from hell, baby.
You know, the, uh, guy that discovered
Uranus wanted to call it George.
This is the planet George.
Come on, Harris.
Oh!
- What?
- Oh, hey, darling.
Tell Jimmy Harry wants to see him.
- Harry who?
- Harry fucking Krishna!
Get away from the door, ma'am.
Get away from the door.
Hey, it's Manny Pacquiao!
Leave him alone.
He's a Quaker.
Does he have any guns
stashed away anywhere?
No, I told you, he's a Quaker.
He abhors violence.
- He what?
- What?
He abhors violence.
- He abhors!
- Fucking pigs, man!
Hey!
That's not very nice.
Hey, Jackie, can you put on some, uh,
coffee for Mr Harris here?
- And you should probably have one.
- You want some doughnuts, too? Fuckers.
Nice underwear, Jimmy.
Ooh! Widescreen.
Cool beans.
You got any Glen Campbell?
Who?
You never heard of Glen Campbell?
What's gonna happen to him?
To Glen Campbell?
To Jimmy.
Guess they'll ship him back to Riker's
with another nickel on his sentence.
There's nothing you can do for him?
Are you trying to bribe us, ma'am?
No.
Damn it!
These fucking law-abiding citizens.
Well, how much?
How much you have in the house?
Five. Two. Two Gs.
How much you got in the fucking house?
Five.
Great! We'll take it.
And then he's free to walk?
If it's within his capabilities.
And I'm taking that widescreen as well.
You want something?
No, I don't want anything.
So, Jimmy-boy, why are you in town?
You wouldn't happen to be planning
a little caper, now, would you?
Do you have an Xbox, by any chance?
I can't concentrate. What the fuck?
They were there first.
This is a Soderbergh movie.
It requires focus.
What's a Soderbergh?
Steven Soderbergh
is a Jewish-American auteur.
He's Swedish.
He's in jail now in Florida
on a morals charge.
Jennifer Lopez is in this movie.
Takes her blouse off,
but you can't really see her titties.
Why can't you see her titties?
Because she's a serious fucking actor,
that's why.
She's not gonna get her cupcakes out
for a fool like you.
- Csar, go get it.
- Go get it, you.
He told you to get it! Mom!
Stop whining and answer the door, OK?
Why do you always pick on me?
Because you're the youngest
and most vulnerable, I guess.
That quote is Simone de Beauvoir.
If I could only find the damn thing.
Mmm, 50 bucks coming my way.
Don't pay her, Pop.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
This jackass says you wanted to see him.
Don't call Reggie a jackass, that's rude.
And factually inaccurate.
He's more like a pathetic simpleton.
Sit down, Reggie.
So you found Jimmy?
In body, if not in spirit.
Hey, I'm sorry for Terry
making fun of your religion.
I apologise on his behalf.
Jennifer Lopez is in this.
She takes her blouse off
but you can't really see her titties.
I know!
No, stop, Your Lordship!
Stop!
Your father!
I don't give a damn about my father.
Some cops showed up at the club tonight.
Some bullshit about one of my dancers.
Ex-dancer.
Do you think it has anything
to do with us?
Maybe, maybe not.
Want me to get in touch with the Webbs,
tell them to cancel the gig?
No.
It's probably just a coincidence, but...
Get hold of the girl.
See what their story is.
Give them a warning, if necessary.
So where's this grand finale
you've been promising me, Russell?
Chill out, maestro.
It's on its way.
A million dollars.
Any questions, gentlemen?
I'm not sure whether that's supreme
self-confidence or idiocy.
But whatever.
Russell?
Do you ever think that you're God
and everything else is just an illusion?
No.
I love cheerleaders.
Is this part of your act?
I'm a majorette, moron.
I love majorettes, too.
I ain't prejudiced.
What do you want?
Brought you a new TV.
Oh.
You have a conscience after all, huh?
Do you want it or not?
I am a lineman for the county...
Weirdo.
You're the weirdo.
You're the weirdo.
Who's this asshole?
Ex-boyfriend.
Looks like a douchebag.
He was a really intelligent guy.
He wrote a well-regarded monograph
on Andr Breton.
And he had a nice dick.
And who's this?
Ex-boyfriend.
Oh, he had a nice dick, too.
What is this about?
I don't know.
Loneliness?
It's kinda creepy.
It's like something bad's gonna happen
but there's nothing she can do about it.
Yeah.
So where did Jimmy-boy say he was going?
Kenosha.
Kenosha, Wisconsin.
- Kenosha, Wisconsin?
- Mmm-hmm.
Yeah? Right.
He ain't left town.
What makes you so sure?
ESP, darling.
Let's just leave it at that.
So why'd you become a cop?
Your heart doesn't exactly
seem to be in it.
I guess I always wanted to pervert
the course of justice.
Plus you can shoot people for no reason.
Nobody can do a goddamn thing about it.
Any sign of Reynard?
No, he's still in there.
What's going on in the big wide world?
Two hundred people died
in an earthquake in Peru.
Who gives a fuck?
Peruvians?
Oof.
That looks nasty.
Are you his wife, ma'am?
Why'd you stick him, ma'am?
Ma'am! Why did you stick him?
Ma'am, that's getting to sound
just a little bit monotonous now.
Ma'am...
Can we play a little game?
Can we play a little game
of Shut The Fuck Up?
Ma'am, did you do those paintings?
He's gone.
So is he.
Yeah, but did you know that
Joseph Conrad and Vincent van Gogh
both tried to kill themselves
by shooting themselves in the heart?
And both missed.
No, it's true.
No, I'm not making this shit up!
Fuck you!
Crime-scene pricks are on their way.
She says his name is Danny.
Say anything about Reynard?
- Planning a heist or something?
- No, I can barely get a word out of her.
She's still bawling her fucking eyes out.
Shut up!
What are we gonna do about the kid?
I mean, what can we do?
Out.
- Fuck!
- That was out.
Give me a second, sisters.
I'll play.
It's good.
What happened to your nose, sweetheart?
A Chihuahua bit me.
So what's up?
Clifford Reynard shuffled off
this mortal coil.
So what?
So the Webb brothers
are gonna need a new driver.
And soon, probably.
So if you hear of anything...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with the whole
cop-slash-informant dialectic.
Fucking mishit.
You did not mean that!
Pure luck.
Oh, come on!
No need for a fucking jihad here!
Can't take him anywhere.
My mom died young.
She was an alcoholic.
What about your dad?
I never knew him.
How about you?
He's dead.
How?
Suicide-murder.
Suicide-murder?
Was that, like, some pact thing?
Like he killed your mom
and then offed himself?
No, my mom lives in Tennessee.
So it was another woman?
- Mmm, no.
- Another man?
Yeah.
But not... He wasn't gay or anything.
Well, I don't, I don't get it.
He was a security guard
but he always wanted to be a SWAT guy.
- Why?
- He never made it.
- Why? I don't know.
- They're fucking assholes.
Well, so was he.
So one night, he goes into a bar
and he gets to drinking
and he gets more and more depressed
and he pulls out his gun
and he blows his brains out.
Unfortunately, there's this guy
sitting next to him.
And the bullet goes through my dad's head
and hits this other guy in his head...
...and kills him.
- No.
- Yeah.
So the inquest found that
technically, it was a suicide-murder.
Although
if my dad was dead before the bullet hit
this other guy in his head,
was that actually murder?
Philosophically speaking?
That's a very interesting question, actually.
I'll ask Bob, he'll know.
Let me know what he says.
There's no plot in these things any more.
Just straight in there.
No preamble, no nothing.
Oh, yeah. Take it!
Where's the romance?
Starts and ends with the script.
You ain't got a good script...
...you ain't got shit.
You guys think you're tough?
You guys think you're so tough, huh?
You think I can't do it?
Oh, God, it's real. It's going off.
Playboy Mansion.
- Hey!
- Stop!
Whatever it is,
it's happening at the mosque downtown,
1:00 pm tomorrow. Don't ask me what.
Who's doing the driving?
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
How the fuck should I know?
One thing that I forgot
to tell you guys is...
Sha-bam!
How do I look?
Mmm-hmm. Suits you.
Stupid feckin' cops.
You're soaked.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Did you have a bad dream?
Go back to sleep, babe.
Hmm.
Yeah, perfecto.
- You know what they say about vertigo?
- Mmm.
The vertigo is not the fear of falling
but the fear of wanting to fall.
Aloha, ladies.
I don't think this is right, man.
They're not gonna knock over
a fucking mosque.
They'll have ISIS on their asses.
Or al-Qaida.
Hey, is it al-Qaida or al-Qaeda?
You say al-Qaeda, I'll say al-Qaida.
- I say al-Qaida, you say al-Qaeda.
- Al-Qaeda.
- Al-Qaeda.
- Al-Qaida.
What are you doing?
We're loitering with intent.
What the fuck does it look like
we're doing?
Fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- Hey! Hey!
You might wanna be a little careful or
you'll wind up another dead schizophrenic,
you know what I'm saying?
And that bike is way too small for you.
Hey, you don't think Reggie would...
Oh, fuck!
Should've gone to Wisconsin
and fucked some sheep, Jimmy-boy.
You know him?
Yeah.
James Harris. He's been on the run
these last couple of months.
Apparently, he's a Quaker.
A Quaker?
I thought they abhor violence.
Was it a good shoot or a bad shoot?
Well...
...that's what we would call
a "contentious issue".
Fuck me.
Again, really?
It's like every fucking week.
- At least these guys are white.
- Yeah!
- Yeah. Gotta look at the bright side.
- Yeah.
- What happened to the driver?
- He got away.
Oh. Was he a Latin, Caucasian
or Negro gentleman?
African American, yes.
Got away with the money, too.
Close to a mil.
Wait a second.
How'd you know the driver was missing?
Wild guess.
- That's a wild guess?
- Wild guess, yeah.
We never said missing.
Nobody ever said missing.
He just said,
"What happened to the driver?"
- He just asked.
- I was just curious.
Reynard gets shanked so he can't drive,
he's dead.
So Jimmy Harris asks his old pal Reggie
to be the driver.
And Reggie, the double-crossing bastard,
decoys us and skedaddles with the money.
Whose money?
Our money.
Patronising fuck.
Ah...
Well, well, well.
Allah be praised.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking someone has just made
a very big mistake.
So you heard about Jimmy Harris.
I just lit a candle for him.
That's a very good idea.
He's gonna need all the help he can get.
He wasn't so bad.
He always treated me okay.
He was a Quaker.
They didn't have to kill him.
He would've tried to kill them,
if he had the chance.
Quaker or not.
Tell me about Russell Birdwell.
What's there to tell?
He runs a strip joint.
It's not like he's Diaghilev
with the Ballets Russes.
Come on.
He wanted to know
why you were looking for me.
I told him you weren't looking for me,
you were looking for Jimmy.
That wasn't good enough
for Mr Birdwell, was it?
He's a wacko.
I had a run-in with him before.
What about?
He tried to get me to do a porno.
I told him to get lost.
He got nasty.
He got nasty?
Okay, mami, I got three dollars!
Birdwell!
- Nobody move!
- Move!
Snake!
Oh, fuck!
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Move!
You're a shit shot, Birdwell.
No one cares about innocent bystanders.
Why do you keep moving, man?
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck!
Bob, were you hit?
It's just a cramp. A bad one.
Go, go.
I'm just gonna breathe.
Come on, little piggy.
Come on!
You see this ring?
My mom gave me this ring.
Ah.
It's a nice ring. You know what it's for?
It's for beating the shit
out of scumbags like you.
Why don't we just throw him off the roof?
- Huh?
- I'm kidding. I'm...
It was a bad joke.
Hey, you wanna go grab a burrito?
I can't, it's date night.
Oh.
A million dollars?
It's a nice, round number.
That's my favourite round number.
We don't need a million dollars to retire.
No?
Not if you're gonna get killed
going after it.
Oh, I can handle myself, baby girl.
Don't you worry your pretty little head
about that.
- Fuck you.
- And besides,
- fortune favours the bold.
- You know where that's from?
- Greek mythology.
- Oh.
A guy named Turnus said it
just before another guy
named Aeneas
popped a cap in his ass.
It's just like my mother said.
You're too damn smart
for your own damn good.
One second.
Hey, assfuck!
Did you shit in this?
Whoa, there, pilgrim.
This is lush.
Yeah, it's all right.
Don't be getting any ideas, though.
This is just till this bullshit
with Birdwell blows over.
How can you afford this place?
Overtime.
Where's Reggie?
Why the fuck would I tell you?
Well, we know that Reggie was
the driver for the racetrack heist.
Where is he?
You're making me repeat meself now.
Why the fuck would I...
All right, don't fucking hit me!
I'm an only child.
He got away with the money.
How much?
Million bucks.
- Fuck me.
- Yep.
A million?
- How much do I get if I...
- Rat out your friend?
Yeah.
- 50.
- 200.
- 50.
- 175.
- 50.
- 100.
All right, 50.
Where is he?
You're not gonna believe this, lads.
Fucking Iceland.
Well, they have something
called the Blue Lagoon here.
It's a hotspot.
It's outdoors.
It's probably full of sweaty Europeans
with bad teeth,
fucking each other.
You'd be swimming around in jizz.
European jizz.
It was one of the first movies
I ever saw, actually.
European Jizz?
- The Blue Lagoon.
- Oh, right.
Either that or Doc Savage: Man of Bronze.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, Bob.
Yeah.
What's the plan for finding Reggie?
It's gonna be tough tracking him down
without anything to go on.
Isn't it?
Well, he's black.
How many fucking black people
do you think there are in Iceland?
We just stand around here
and keep our eyes open.
That's not much of a plan, Bob.
You don't think we should try...
There he is.
I'm a black belt in jiu jitsu,
motherfuckers!
You don't put up much of a fight, do you?
Fucking Stephen Hawking
could knock you out.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Well, you kinda have to be.
I guess I should count myself lucky you didn't
put me in a fucking chokehold or some shit.
Shut up, shut up.
So, Iceland. What the fuck?
- I wasn't thinking straight.
- No shit.
I panicked, okay?
You would too if you saw
everyone around you getting popped.
That shit was stone-cold murder, man.
Jimmy and the guys
were giving themselves up.
Oh, don't look at me.
I fucking hate murder.
- Don't I, Terry?
- He hates murder.
Oh, I hate murder!
It really upsets me.
But more importantly, where's the loot?
Stashed it.
How much you want?
- All of it.
- Obviously.
- Fuck you!
- No, fuck you, glass-jaw boy.
You're gonna hand over
that million bucks or...
- A million bucks?
- Yeah, a million bucks.
I don't have a fucking million bucks,
are you crazy?
You fucking cheapskate! You walked away
with a million fucking dollars!
It wasn't all mine!
I had to give it to the cat who planned
the whole thing, then I got my cut.
Oh, now you're bullshitting us.
Either the Webb brothers planned it
or Jimmy Harris planned it
and they're all fucking dead.
Jimmy and the Webb brothers
were tapped out.
That's why they took the gig
in the first place.
The whole thing was planned
by this money guy,
a British dude named James Mangan.
Mmm.
Never heard of him. Where can we find him?
I don't know where he lives.
He's this mysterious character.
I know he's got
some legit businesses, but...
Look, I'll tell you guys everything I know
but you gotta give me a little leeway here.
How much do you have?
- We'll take a hundred.
- Fuck you.
It's hard but it's fair.
It is pretty fair, yeah.
Fine.
Mmm.
How are you finding the place?
Not exactly the best place to blend in
but upside is I think I'm falling in love.
Baby, where have you been?
You guys want a drink?
I got some pretty good whisky.
I'm good.
I'll try a little bit
of that whisky, Kimberly.
So how long have you known Reggie?
- We're old pals.
- And you're here on holiday?
No, just a quick in and out.
- You're together?
- Yes, we are.
No, Kimberly, we are not together.
I'm a heterosexual man.
He's also a heterosexual man.
Well, good for you, honey.
You know, you should go
to the Blue Lagoon.
It's very refreshing.
I'm sure it is.
I go there a lot.
I'm sure you do.
I hope you choke on it.
So Reggie is gay, huh?
If Kimberly has a dick,
which I'm assuming she does,
then that would make Reggie gay, yes.
Possibly bisexual.
Well, what if Kimberly doesn't have...
Like, if she's already...
- Post-op?
- Yeah.
That's a good question.
That would make Kimberly a woman,
which would make Reggie straight.
- Would it?
- With an asterisk.
- But if Reggie is gay...
- Mmm-hmm?
...do you think
Reggie and Pdraic, they...
What the fuck is that,
the international symbol for sodomy?
You know exactly what this is.
You know, I don't think you're allowed
to do that in here.
In fact, I don't think you're allowed
to do that anywhere.
I've just realised
what you remind me of, Russell.
A bloody Cyclops.
I don't know what that means
and you know I don't.
You never read the Odyssey
at school, Russell?
You do surprise me.
I read it in the original Greek
when I was travelling through
the Peloponnese with my father.
I lost my fucking eye!
Calm down.
You still have one good one.
I'm gonna fuck over
those fucking assholes...
No, you're not.
You're not gonna fuck over anyone.
They're still policemen, after all.
I don't wanna get into some kinda fucking
contretemps with you, Your Lordship,
especially not in my condition.
But I do believe
you're being overly cautious.
Do you know who the greatest criminal
that ever lived is?
- No, I don't know.
- No, you don't.
Because if you did,
he wouldn't be the greatest criminal
that ever fucking lived, now,
would he? Hmm?
Fuck, man, that's just the crack talking.
But to put your mind at ease,
I shall have a word with them.
Give them a little reducer,
as we say in good old England.
Yeah?
What if it doesn't take?
Eat your grapes, Russell.
Eat your grapes.
You shot his fucking nuts off.
You shoot a guy in the cojones,
Bob, that shitbird's going down.
Who makes these things, anyway?
They're kinda racist.
Looks like Reggie.
Hey!
Where the hell have you two been?
Following up on a tip-off.
To where, fucking Iceland?
- No, we were in Iceland!
- Yeah.
Bob, that shit's not funny any more.
Not that it was funny to begin with,
so I don't even know why I said that.
Anyway, during your unexplained absence,
I received a very serious
allegation of assault.
This Russell Birdwell character.
- Fuck him!
- No, Terry!
Fuck you!
How many times do I have to tell you?
His lawyer is threatening to have you
arraigned on attempted murder charges.
Murder charges? He was shooting at us,
for Christ's sake!
I gave him a couple of slaps.
- Oh.
- That's it. Fucking pussy.
Well, he claims
you failed to identify yourselves
as police officers,
which is why he fled the scene.
Those are what we call
mitigating circumstances.
The fact that you knocked out
one of his eyes
while beating him to a pulp,
those are not what we call
mitigating circumstances. Capisce?
I told you, Birdwell's part
of an ongoing investigation.
We're gonna get it cleared up in two days.
Well, you'd better,
cos this shit's not going away.
Meanwhile, I had to release the prick,
- pending further investigation.
- Oh, fuck me!
And I have had the hard word
from the powers that be.
So, do me a favour, fellas,
slowly, slowly catchee monkey. You got it?
Got it.
Hey, shorty.
Where can we find James Mangan?
Get the hell off this property!
Get off this property!
Get off this property!
What are you doing?
Oh, no, no, no!
Get back here, you little bastard!
Help!
He only comes up on weekends
to look over his horses.
He lives... He lives in town.
- Where in town?
- I don't know.
I don't know!
I swear to God!
I swear...
Give me back my fucking wig.
Give me back my fucking wig!
- Put the wig on, put the wig on.
- Sorry, man, I didn't...
I didn't mean to upset you like that, man.
You destroy!
No, it's fine, it's fine.
You destroy!
No, it's great. Oh, my God. It looks...
No! No!
You take it!
Jesus Christ, kid.
With all that time in hand, you'd think
you'd do a better job than this.
It's "homeless", not "homles."
You started with the letters too big here,
then you had to scrunch them up
at the end.
It's bad presentation.
That's why you're broke.
It's a lazy piece of work.
Come on. Leave him alone.
Thank you.
Getting soft in your old age?
You need a hug?
There's no Glen Campbell.
Unbelievable.
Put on some Elvis,
I'm sure they got some Elvis.
You know he died on the can?
Him and Judy Garland.
- What were they doing on...
- Not at the same time.
Oh.
What?
Hey, kid!
- Get off me!
- No, no, I'm not gonna hurt you!
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Gotcha.
Is my mom in jail?
Yeah, for killing your dad.
She's not at the beach.
What?
Are you gonna arrest me, too?
No, why would we?
Are you, like, a little gangster?
You look like you're in a band.
Why did she kill him?
Why did your mom kill your dad?
It's all right, man. We're the good guys.
- Yeah, we're the good guys.
- You can talk to us.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we gotta call Social Services.
- Social Services?
- Yeah.
Might as well sell him
to the fucking Philippines.
What, you wanna adopt a "homles" kid?
- No!
- Yeah, I can do that.
- No!
- I'm not putting him back on the street.
Do you think it's easy
looking after a kid?
I got two of 'em and it's not easy,
let me tell you.
I mean, yeah, okay, I love 'em
but I gotta feed them 24 hours a day.
Those little fat fucks... It's hard work.
So you're saying I'm not up to it?
Yes. That's what I'm saying.
Just give me a chance, man.
Just give me a chance, okay?
No.
- What in the hell, Terry?
- I'm working on a case, babe,
and Danny here is the star witness.
Kinda like in that movie, you know?
With that kid who died.
No, what movie? What kid who died?
Ah, I can't remember.
Your memory's shot to hell with
all that liquor, you know that, right?
Yes, I do know that.
It's one of the few things in life
I have to be thankful for.
You can just throw your stuff
in one of the spare rooms if you want.
There's a good kid.
- Had anything to eat?
- Yes, ma'am.
Okay, well, get cleaned up.
I'll bring you in some towels.
Dolores got you hooked
on her feminist crap, huh?
Hey, can you be a feminist
and still wear hotpants?
Yes, you can.
Whoo!
Don't be such a misogynist.
Huh?
And don't change the subject.
How long is he supposed
to be staying here?
I don't know, how long are you
supposed to be staying here?
That's not fair. I was in trouble.
Well, so is he, babe.
We're just your ordinary,
everyday nuclear family.
Hey!
Members only.
What the fuck does that say?
It says you're a member.
Damn right it does, baby.
I want another shot!
Yo, whoa! Watch out, man!
Jimmy, can you grab me a drink?
Hey, I think John's coming tonight!
- Yeah! Whoo!
- What?
Oh, my gosh, I thought
you broke up with him.
Excuse me!
Where will I find James Mangan?
What? How should I know?
I mean, where does he live?
Allow me to reiterate. How should I know?
Well, he owns this joint, don't he?
Yeah, so? That don't mean
I know where he lives.
Well, how often does he come in?
Every now and again.
You gonna order a drink or what?
Yeah, I'm gonna order a drink.
I want a Bloody Mary.
The bloodier the better.
You got it.
Are you fucking serious?
I'm sorry, you can't come
in here looking like that.
- For fuck's sake.
- You can't come in here wearing...
See the fucking man over there?
He's a fucking policeman,
he'll kick the shit out of you.
- Fine, go. Go!
- See?
Fuck you, Jeeves.
Hey, hey!
I'd say Iceland paid off handsomely, huh?
No, there's only 10 grand in here.
We agreed 50.
Reggie had to pay off
a bigshot named James Mangan.
James Mangan?
- You know him?
- Yeah, yeah.
I sold him some merchandise
a while back. You see him at the fights.
- He manages a couple of welterweights.
- Yeah.
He owns the restaurant in this hotel.
Really?
Must be loaded.
Yeah. You wanna see
the rest of your money?
Fucking here we go.
All right. Just hang out here and
if you see him, just give me a call.
Okay.
Still, though, happy days.
You're not really happy.
It's just a chemical secretion
in your brain.
Hey.
It's me, honey.
It's only me.
It's just a dream.
Okay?
It's only a dream.
What the fuck is that?
It's a large Chinese plastic cat.
What the fuck does it look like?
It's supposed to bring good luck.
Or maybe not.
Ah!
Is that it?
Is that all you got?
You're gonna have to do
a lot better than that, boys.
It can get a lot worse, faggot.
Believe me.
Oh, it can, huh, can it?
It can get a lot worse, huh?
Well, what are you gonna do?
Huh?
You gonna cut me?
You gonna abuse me?
You gonna rape me?
Huh?
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, boys.
There ain't nothing you can do to me
that ain't already been done.
So go ahead.
Do your worst.
What do you want us to do?
I don't think the boys will be too keen
on killing a cop.
Boss.
Boss!
Hey.
Son of a bitch.
Well, you should see the other guy.
He's totally unscathed.
Babe, come on.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay.
It looks much worse than it is.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
No, no, no, don't cry. I'm okay.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Kiss my bloody lips.
It's gotta be Mangan, right?
Obviously someone we've upset.
That could be anybody.
You look like Adam Ant.
Remember him?
Fuck you, hippie.
Aren't you supposed to be
scoping out the Brit?
Hmm. They threw me out when I skinned up.
He's still in there, though.
Probably having
a nice little entre for himself.
Nice piece of salmon.
- Mangan, any distinguishing features?
- Uh...
Yeah, he's sitting with a bunch of Japs.
Can't miss him.
James! James.
Right here. There you are.
He's right there.
Hey!
How are things, man?
Well, this is awkward.
You're not gonna introduce us to your guy?
This is Mr Okuyama.
And Mr Murakawa.
They are business associates of mine.
This is Miss Ito, their interpreter.
Mr Bolao
and Mr Monroe.
They're policemen.
Why is this so formal, huh?
I'm Bob, this is Terry.
Pleased to meet you.
- See, that was easier. See?
- Is that lobster? Mind if I...
That was much easier.
Oh, I love lobster.
What have you got there, Bob?
I think it's veal. Yum-yum!
Would you care for some wine, perhaps?
No, we can't drink while we're on duty
because that would be illegal.
Is everything all right, sir?
Yes, it's fine. I'd like the bill, please.
- Oh, that's fantastic.
- That's good. Hey, Bob.
Did I ever tell you about that time
I puked Indian food through my nose?
- No!
- Gentlemen,
is this a social visit or do you have
a particular reason for embarrassing me?
We're not trying to embarrass you.
Are we, Terry?
- Why would we?
- We just came here to say that
we know everything about you
and we're onto you.
You don't know the first thing about me.
Oh, story time, okay.
- I am a legitimate businessman...
- Hmm.
...and if you think you can play
any of your dirty little tricks on me,
I think you'll find yourselves
sadly mistaken.
Hmm.
No, I don't think you understand,
you limey fucking dipshit.
See, we don't live in your world.
You live in ours.
You know that 800 grand?
Eight hundred thousand fucking dollars?
See, that's ours.
That's not yours.
You have until tonight to hand it over.
And if you don't hand it over,
you're gonna be fucked.
So make sure to give us a call, okay?
You got that?
How's that lobster, Terry?
Pretty tasty.
You want some dessert or...
No, no, I gotta watch the waistline here.
We should do this again sometime.
It was fun.
I look forward to it.
You've been delightful company.
Terry, that was sarcasm.
The lowest form of wit, Bob.
Sayonara.
Sayonara.
The goodbye! The goodbye.
- So Mangan got his sharks involved, huh?
- I have to say,
I'm disappointed.
I feel like you've let me down.
Aw!
You can't carry out
that level of harassment
and think you can get away with it.
If the guy was an Arab, yeah.
But this is a Brit we're talking about.
Guy's a lord, apparently.
He's got a fucking OBE or something.
OBE? What the fuck is that?
Order of the British Empire.
Those fucking titles don't mean shit.
They don't mean shit to us, Bob,
but the Brits swear by 'em.
- I'm a prince.
- This, it just ain't right.
It ain't right.
Not to mention, having cars
blown up outside your house.
And you looking like you just got
the shit kicked out of you.
Just a little domestic abuse.
And that wasn't even my car,
that was a four-by-four.
People don't like 'em,
they're gas-guzzlers.
Probably some Greenpeace
motherfucker torched it.
- Evil.
- They're assholes.
I know.
- Are you done?
- Yes.
Okay.
I'm gonna need your guns, too.
You think I care?
I don't even like this gun.
And clear out your desks.
There's nothing in my desk.
There is that one triple-murder case
from a couple years back.
Oh, yeah.
- I wonder who did that?
- We may never know.
- Hey, Bob.
- Yeah?
I'm telling you this as a friend.
He's gonna get you killed.
You know that, don't you?
Well, with all due respect,
you were never a friend of mine.
You were more a glorified
fucking acquaintance.
I'm staying with Terry and his girlfriend.
They got this really cool place.
That's good.
It'll only be till you get out.
Terry says you got a good chance
of getting off at the trial.
Then we can live together again.
With your husband's record, ma'am,
if we put that together
with some other shit,
like history of spousal abuse
or something...
That's not why I killed him.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's not fair.
No, it's not.
Life's a marked deck, kid.
Don't you ever forget it.
I hate jellyfish.
I wonder how in the hell it got out here?
Maybe it fell from a spaceship.
Is it true they can sting you
even when they're dead?
No, I think when they're dead,
they're dead.
They're immortal, though.
What?
Jellyfish, they're immortal.
Bob told me.
Just because Bob says something
doesn't mean it's true.
Yeah, it does.
That's my greatest fear, actually.
Death by jellyfish.
Your greatest fear
is death by jellyfish? Okay.
It's not funny.
Random death by jellyfish.
This guy I knew, he caught a jellyfish,
put it in a jar,
went out drinking,
got home... Listen to this.
Got home and reached for what
he thought was a glass of water...
What do you think happened? He's dead.
Well, I'm glad you guys
find the idea so amusing.
Come on, you deadbeats.
Let's go get some frijoles!
- No, wait, I can't...
- Come on!
No, I can't run in these!
Come on!
'"I am real!' said Alice,
and began to cry.
'"You won't make yourself a bit realer
by crying, ' Tweedledee remarked:
""There's nothing to cry about.""
We'll finish this off tomorrow.
Daddy, what happens when you die?
Nothing. When you're dead, you're dead.
But isn't Mommy in heaven, Daddy?
No, she's not, darling.
What did I say?
It's just darkness forever.
Now, run along and play.
I have to speak to your Uncle Russell.
Growing up so quickly.
So what are we gonna do
about those two pricks?
They were fired today.
They are no longer
serving police officers.
They are civilians.
The fuck does that mean?
It's over?
No, it's not over, Russell.
Now we're going to kill them.
You almost broke my fucking cock!
Can you break a cock?
Well, I mean, the fucking tendons.
You snapped the fucking tendons.
Well, I gotta take a break.
Ruminate.
Consider options.
I'm gonna miss it, though, you know?
- Like, I liked the structure.
- The structure?
Maybe it's a good thing
that we got out, you know?
Things were just getting
a little too close to home
and, you know, when those things
start to happen...
Yeah. I'm not sure how much longer
you could've gotten away with it.
Especially with Terry.
Terry.
Hey, toro!
That's pretty fucking funny, huh?
Yeah, it's funny.
Yeah, you go, toro.
That's pretty good, huh?
When you got beat up last night,
did that have anything to do with me?
Of course not. Why would it?
I know why she did it.
Who?
My mom.
I know why she stabbed my dad.
She found out what he'd done.
Well, what had he done?
Danny, what had he done?
He took me out to this place,
somewhere outside the city.
There were these people there.
They did things.
You know.
They filmed it as well.
Hmm.
And do you know the names of these people?
Yeah, I know their names.
Do you know why you're here, sir?
Go fuck yourself.
It's because I hate informers.
They have no honour.
They have no code.
Go fuck yourself.
This is the Lafayette sword.
From the Revolutionary War.
Yes, there was a revolution
in the United States.
It's hard to believe, I know.
I stole it from a Masonic Lodge
in Illinois.
Have you heard of the writer
Yukio Mishima?
No, of course you haven't, you're Irish.
I was forgetting.
Anyway, in 1970,
Mishima attempted a coup
on his native Japan.
The coup failed
and Mishima committed seppuku,
or ritual disembowelment, if you prefer.
The second-in-command
was supposed to behead him
at the culmination of the ritual but the poor
chap was so bloody nervous that he missed.
Mishima's bloody head was hanging off him,
quite literally.
Another chap had to step in
to finish him off.
Let's hope I don't miss, eh?
Fucking Brits.
You never know when to shut up.
Poor kid.
Yeah.
I've never killed anybody before.
Well, neither have I.
You know what they say.
Always be open to new experiences.
I'll do this on my own.
You don't have to get involved.
How come you always look out for me, Bob?
Because you're a good friend of mine.
I've got your money.
You should be in bed.
Where's Lonesome Luke?
What?
I think he's gone to kill
a whole bunch of people.
You know that in Somalia
only men have gravestones?
Walt Whitman was buried without his brain.
Descartes was buried
without his right hand.
So you never wonder
who created this whole shebang?
No.
It's like
where does the universe begin
and where does it end?
And if you can't tell me that,
you can't tell me God doesn't exist.
But then again, Pythagoras believed
that after you're dead,
your soul goes into a fucking green bean.
So what do I know?
Oh, I love this car!
She's fucking indestructible.
Like I always say, Bob,
if it ain't broke, break it.
Detectives, good to see you again.
You like Westerns, right?
I don't have your $800,000.
I was never going to give it to you.
I thought I'd state that up front
in the interest of full disclosure.
You're not, uh, so tough now, huh?
Without your motherfucking badge?
Hey, listen, man,
I know we don't see eye-to-eye, but...
Fuck you! Fuck you!
I'm fine.
I must say, you're taking
this turn of events rather well.
We haven't come here for the money.
- We don't care about the money any more.
- Oh.
This is about Danny Reynard.
Danny Reynard.
Hmm.
I can't quite place the name.
You know, one day,
these students were taking
a philosophy exam.
And at the start, the tutor
grabs a chair, puts it on a desk
and says, "For your last test,
"prove this chair exists."
So everyone's scribbling away,
except one guy.
He writes two words, gets up,
hands his paper to the tutor,
leaves the class.
Tutor looks at it
and on it, it says,
"What chair?"
Well, that's certainly very...
Fuck!
Fuck!
Bob?
Bob?
I love bulletproof vests.
Let's go fuck these scumbags.
I killed your snitch.
I chopped his fucking head off!
Wait.
Don't...
I knew your last words would be shit.
All right.
All right, you made your point.
How much is this gonna cost me?
It's gonna cost you your life.
Nice line.
Well, that's a damn shame.
I kinda liked the guy,
in a funny sort of way.
His hair was receding quite a bit.
His teeth are all fucked up.
What are you doing?
Well, we gotta give him a decent burial.
What are we, savages?
Thought you were, like, keeping him
as a souvenir or something.
So that story about
the philosophy exam and the chair.
What does that actually mean?
It's not supposed to mean anything.
It's like a Zen koan.
Just ponder on it.
Just ponder on it?
Yeah. I fucked it up, though.
I was supposed to say,
"Prove the chair doesn't exist."
Ah!
So it doesn't exist, huh?
Man, that was some cold shit.
Wait, you going in?
So what's next, man?
I'm gonna live slow,
die old and leave an ugly-looking corpse.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Something sedate.
You think you're capable of being sedate?
Well, Bob, it's like
the Buddha once said...
You're quoting fucking Buddha now?
Do not dwell in the past,
do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind
on the present moment.
I love this song.
Great song.
Masterpiece.
I've always wondered if you hit a mime,
does he make a sound?
Well, now you know.
I lost my teeth.
What is he saying?
I don't know, something about "teesh"?
Oh, he lost his teeth.
Terry.
Hey! You sons of bitches
ain't going anywhere!
I saw the whole damn thing.
I'm calling the police.
We are the police.
"All oppression creates a state of war."
Simone de Beauvoir.
No, it's Pierre-Joseph Proudhon,
the father of anarchism.
It's not Simone de Beauvoir,
the feminist existentialist.
- I bet you 50 bucks.
- I'll take that bet.
- Hey, Uncle Terry.
- How's it hanging, Csar?
Little early in the day, Terry.
- It's midnight in Tokyo.
- Mmm.
- Hey, Uncle Terry.
- Hey, Lil' Bob.
Where's my Xbox?
How the fuck should I know?
Oh, you know what? It's up my ass.
Do you wanna go see it?
It's in the den.
I hit your car, Bob.
- Again?
- Yeah.
Is it bad?
We should take my car.
You had a nice swim, honey?
My eyes hurt.
I told you, Bob.
You put too much chlorine in that pool.
No, no, no. I followed
those instructions to a T.
He's been up to something.
- No, I haven't.
- "No, I haven't."
All little innocent Little Lord fucking
Fauntleroy over here.
- Stop it.
- I've been itching all weekend.
I'm trying to digest over here.
When was the last time you had sex?
Thursday.
And when did you start itching?
Saturday, in late afternoon,
early evening.
It's thrush.
What's thrush?
- I wore a condom.
- It don't matter.
- What do I do about it?
- You go to a drugstore.
They'll give you some cream
or something. You'll be fine.
What's thrush, Pop?
Thrush is a small
to medium-sized songbird.
Now, get the fuck out of here.
Can you guys not discuss his genital
complaints while I'm trying to eat?
Is that too much to ask for?
This looks like dick and balls now.
- See you later, Dolores.
- See you later, Terry.
He's fucking broke it, Mom.
No! Oh, you know what?
- It is broken.
- Mom!
Don't litter, man.
You're gonna make me look bad in front
of all of my fucking white neighbours.
Let's go fuck some scumbags.
What are they doing now?
Looking at the exhibits. What the fuck
do you think they're doing?
- This is a waste of time.
- No, it's not.
What do you think the Webb brothers
are doing in a fucking balloon museum?
You think they're researching
the history of aeronautics? No.
Look at this guy point.
You're not fooling anybody, buddy.
You think they're gonna heist the place?
Well, it's popular with the yokels,
but I reckon it's just a meet.
- Oh. Hold it right there. Yeah.
- Here? Here? Right here?
The light is perfect.
- Like this?
- Yeah, that's really nice.
That's Jim Harris and his fucking yo-yo.
Thought he was inside.
He broke out of Riker's Island
two months ago.
Who's the other guy with the kid?
No idea. What kind of bum
brings his kid to a meet, though?
- Eyes here. Eyes here.
- I don't even see you.
Why am I looking there?
There we go.
- Oh.
- Look.
Yo-yos were once, um,
- outlawed in Damascus.
- Huh!
It was believed that
they were causing a drought.
Look at all those fucking assholes working.
Suckers!
Welcome back, boys!
How did we enjoy our sabbatical?
It was very pleasant,
it was very relaxing.
I masturbated a lot.
"Enforced sabbatical", I should have said.
What's a "sabbatical"?
Okay.
So Laurel and Hardy here, huh?
Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
Siegfried and Roy, Sacco and Vanzetti,
Abelard and Hlose.
Is this a quiz?
No, it's not a quiz.
This is your last chance.
OK?
This is it.
There'll be no more suspensions from duty.
That's great!
You will be out on your asses next time.
Oh, that's not great.
You'd be out on your asses already, frankly,
if the powers that be could prove
some of the rumours I've been hearing.
Yeah, but you know what they say
about rumours, though.
Rumours are the mothers of invention.
No, necessity's the mother of invention.
What are rumours, then?
- Rumours are...
- Silencio!
Assaulting a fellow officer,
that's one thing.
Bribery and corruption charges
against you and that's it,
that's goodnight, Irene.
We were provoked, man.
- Bob was provoked!
- Same thing.
Look, fellas.
I agree with you about the race issue. OK?
I'm married to a chink myself,
for Christ's sake.
I got chink kids.
Look at their faces.
- Wow.
- Those are good-looking boys.
I know how you felt, Bob, believe me.
But still, that's no excuse
for assaulting a fellow officer.
Doesn't matter what they say.
He called me a wetback!
He knows damn well I was born here!
He's a big, fat, racist pig is what he is!
Yes! He's a big, fat, racist pig. Granted.
No argument there, guys.
But look around.
This is the police department.
We're surrounded by big, fat, racist pigs.
So work with me here, OK?
Now, what have we learned here?
Don't assault a fellow officer,
even if... even if he is a racist pig.
Yes. And?
- Something about rumours.
- Rumours.
No.
Chinese kids?
- No.
- Oh, oh, oh.
Bribery and corruption.
Yes, bribery and corruption!
What about bribery and corruption?
Oh, there's a part two.
Uh...
Don't get involved with it?
Don't get involved with it
in any way, shape or form.
Bribery and corruption, bad!
Excellent!
Progress has been made!
Exeunt stage left.
Hey, who's that asshole
used to pal around with Harris?
Negro gentleman,
got pinched for the toasters.
Reggie Hayes.
Reggie Hayes.
He, uh, changed it, though, didn't he?
Changed his name.
Joined the Nation of Islam. Reggie X.
Reggie X!
Fuckin'...
Who's this?
- Glen Campbell.
- Great song.
Masterpiece.
Do you see him?
Probably skulking somewhere.
That's what these criminal types do.
Skulk.
Oh, there he is.
Reggie!
As salaam alaikum.
Doesn't seem very pleased
to see us, Terry.
What's the craic, lads?
You know how to read, don't you,
you Mick bastard?
Or would that be too much to ask?
I'm actually dyslexic. All right?
And I find that statement
to be highly discriminatory.
Are you an actor?
Because they all
seem to be dyslexic nowadays.
It used to be called stupidity.
You know these fucking pricks, do you?
You shouldn't have done that.
Well, what's he gonna do? Tell his momma?
God!
What the fuck? I ain't done shit!
Oh, what's that, Terry?
It sure ain't origami, Bob.
You gotta be kidding me.
I suspect it may well be what the authorities
would call a controlled substance.
No!
Mmm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
That is most definitely
a controlled substance.
And you say you found this
on the defendant's person, Detective?
- Is that correct?
- It was hidden in his anus, Your Honour.
Oh, you dirty motherfucker!
You dirty motherfucker!
You're a dealer now, Reggie.
You two are fucked up.
You still running around
with Jimmy Harris?
Not since back in the day,
before the motherfucker moved up a gear.
I guess some people's ambitions
go beyond selling toasters, you know?
OK, you know what? You don't even
know the whole level I'm on.
These were designer
fucking stolen toasters, man.
Yes, yes! This big fucking shit, man.
Philippe Starck, Moschino.
- Fancy shit?
- Yeah, fancy fucking shit.
- Okay.
- Yeah, Moschino shit, man.
Moschino don't make fucking toasters!
But you're friends with him, right?
We knew each other, we're acquaintances.
Oh, OK. Well, have you heard that this
acquaintance of yours is back in town?
- I heard.
- You did? OK.
So, we've been surveilling
the Webb brothers.
Do you know about the Webb brothers?
- Everybody knows the Webb brothers.
- OK. Good, good, good.
Progress already. We're making progress.
OK, so, they're up to something.
You know, like something nefarious.
I mean, so our informants tell us.
And where would we be
without our informants, Terry?
- Fucking nowhere.
- Fucking no where's right, dude!
Fucking nowhere, dude!
So Jimmy Harris and the Webbs
are, you know, hooked up.
Ergo...
- Ergo...
- Ergo what, motherfucker?
- Ergo.
- Ergo what? What the fuck is that?
They're planning a fucking robbery.
Bingo!
Keep it down. Keep it down...
And we're gonna fuck 'em up
and you're gonna help us.
What the fuck?
Shit!
Cops.
Oh, shit! Hey, we are the cops!
Motherfuckers!
For a second, I forgot!
You see how I got all like, "Fuck!"
I know, but I was there, too.
I was like, "Where, where?"
If I don't help you, what, are you gonna
bust me for possession?
Educated man, Terry! This is...
Fuck! This is good coke.
There's a shitload more
where that came from.
Where did you guys get this?
We fucked over a mime.
They're off and running!
Oh, Your Lordship.
She's a three-year-old.
Lovely little filly.
What's she like in the saddle?
I haven't ridden her yet. She's, uh...
She's a little...
Excuse me. One of my trainers.
Do keep me informed of any further
development, won't you?
Of course.
You know, I hate champagne.
Why do I drink it, then?
One of those unresolved mysteries of life.
How's my crew? Or, how are my crew?
Whichever is grammatically correct.
Well, sir,
the Webbs, um, are just checked in.
Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And the other thing?
The other thing.
As you can guess, I imagine,
Reynard wants more money.
Of course he does.
- What do you want me to do about him?
- Well...
I want you to pay him.
We'll get the money back.
I'm afraid I'll end up in jail first.
Oh, Russell.
Jail's not too bad.
You know what the worst thing about jail is?
No, Your Lordship, I do not.
The violent anal sex.
But do you know what the best thing
about jail is, Russell?
The violent anal sex?
You know, you're pretty quick
for an American.
Jimmy used to go out with this dancer,
Jacqueline Hollis.
Rumour is he's shacked up with her.
You have an address?
No, but I do know she works
at the, uh, this club, Knockouts. Yeah.
Of course, that means you two will
actually have to do, you know,
"Police work".
Now, don't be getting obstreperous
with me, motherfucker.
I'll knock your ass into Indochina.
Here we go.
What the fuck is that?
Cocksucking Cowboys.
Bollocks are still sore
and I didn't do anything to you.
Well, the world's full of injustice, pal.
Call Amnesty International
if you wanna do something about it.
Salud.
- Ah.
- Ah!
I thought you guys didn't drink.
- How do you mean?
- Muslims.
I'm a Five Percenter.
Mmm, OK.
Do you know what the fuck that means?
I know what that means.
Do you know this other douchebag?
What am I, Huggy Bear now?
Huggy Bear.
Mmm.
Those fellas in the car
with the white stripe.
Who took these? A fucking epileptic?
No, Robert Mapplethorpe over here.
A little something was wrong with the, uh...
With the thing?
Yeah, with the thing.
Oh, yeah, the thing can be tricky.
Hey, motherfucker,
I could bust you right now for...
Hey! I got multiple sclerosis, OK?
It helps to relieve the symptoms.
You're dyslexic
and you have multiple sclerosis?
Mmm.
Yeah, I've had a lot
of hard luck in my life.
You can't even spell sclerosis.
S-C-L-E...
Oh, fuck.
Look, I don't know.
Hey, it's Reynard. Clifford Reynard.
I used to steal cars with him.
I mean, I think he's a driver now.
Well, he's a fucking prick, anyways.
Hey.
I claim my prize.
Thank you.
That's amazing.
The flexibility.
You should have seen her when she was 15.
You guys looking for me?
Well, if you're the manager
of this shithole, then yes, we are.
I'm Detective Bolao. Detective Monroe.
You are...
Russell Birdwell.
What's the problem?
We're looking for the address of
one of your dancers. Jacqueline Hollis?
Jackie Hollis?
Jackie Hollis, whatever.
She doesn't work for me any more,
she quit.
Yeah, I didn't ask you
if she's currently employed here.
I asked you for her address.
She in some kind of trouble?
Just give us her fucking address.
You guys are adorable.
Where are you guys from? What precinct?
We're from hell, baby.
You know, the, uh, guy that discovered
Uranus wanted to call it George.
This is the planet George.
Come on, Harris.
Oh!
- What?
- Oh, hey, darling.
Tell Jimmy Harry wants to see him.
- Harry who?
- Harry fucking Krishna!
Get away from the door, ma'am.
Get away from the door.
Hey, it's Manny Pacquiao!
Leave him alone.
He's a Quaker.
Does he have any guns
stashed away anywhere?
No, I told you, he's a Quaker.
He abhors violence.
- He what?
- What?
He abhors violence.
- He abhors!
- Fucking pigs, man!
Hey!
That's not very nice.
Hey, Jackie, can you put on some, uh,
coffee for Mr Harris here?
- And you should probably have one.
- You want some doughnuts, too? Fuckers.
Nice underwear, Jimmy.
Ooh! Widescreen.
Cool beans.
You got any Glen Campbell?
Who?
You never heard of Glen Campbell?
What's gonna happen to him?
To Glen Campbell?
To Jimmy.
Guess they'll ship him back to Riker's
with another nickel on his sentence.
There's nothing you can do for him?
Are you trying to bribe us, ma'am?
No.
Damn it!
These fucking law-abiding citizens.
Well, how much?
How much you have in the house?
Five. Two. Two Gs.
How much you got in the fucking house?
Five.
Great! We'll take it.
And then he's free to walk?
If it's within his capabilities.
And I'm taking that widescreen as well.
You want something?
No, I don't want anything.
So, Jimmy-boy, why are you in town?
You wouldn't happen to be planning
a little caper, now, would you?
Do you have an Xbox, by any chance?
I can't concentrate. What the fuck?
They were there first.
This is a Soderbergh movie.
It requires focus.
What's a Soderbergh?
Steven Soderbergh
is a Jewish-American auteur.
He's Swedish.
He's in jail now in Florida
on a morals charge.
Jennifer Lopez is in this movie.
Takes her blouse off,
but you can't really see her titties.
Why can't you see her titties?
Because she's a serious fucking actor,
that's why.
She's not gonna get her cupcakes out
for a fool like you.
- Csar, go get it.
- Go get it, you.
He told you to get it! Mom!
Stop whining and answer the door, OK?
Why do you always pick on me?
Because you're the youngest
and most vulnerable, I guess.
That quote is Simone de Beauvoir.
If I could only find the damn thing.
Mmm, 50 bucks coming my way.
Don't pay her, Pop.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
This jackass says you wanted to see him.
Don't call Reggie a jackass, that's rude.
And factually inaccurate.
He's more like a pathetic simpleton.
Sit down, Reggie.
So you found Jimmy?
In body, if not in spirit.
Hey, I'm sorry for Terry
making fun of your religion.
I apologise on his behalf.
Jennifer Lopez is in this.
She takes her blouse off
but you can't really see her titties.
I know!
No, stop, Your Lordship!
Stop!
Your father!
I don't give a damn about my father.
Some cops showed up at the club tonight.
Some bullshit about one of my dancers.
Ex-dancer.
Do you think it has anything
to do with us?
Maybe, maybe not.
Want me to get in touch with the Webbs,
tell them to cancel the gig?
No.
It's probably just a coincidence, but...
Get hold of the girl.
See what their story is.
Give them a warning, if necessary.
So where's this grand finale
you've been promising me, Russell?
Chill out, maestro.
It's on its way.
A million dollars.
Any questions, gentlemen?
I'm not sure whether that's supreme
self-confidence or idiocy.
But whatever.
Russell?
Do you ever think that you're God
and everything else is just an illusion?
No.
I love cheerleaders.
Is this part of your act?
I'm a majorette, moron.
I love majorettes, too.
I ain't prejudiced.
What do you want?
Brought you a new TV.
Oh.
You have a conscience after all, huh?
Do you want it or not?
I am a lineman for the county...
Weirdo.
You're the weirdo.
You're the weirdo.
Who's this asshole?
Ex-boyfriend.
Looks like a douchebag.
He was a really intelligent guy.
He wrote a well-regarded monograph
on Andr Breton.
And he had a nice dick.
And who's this?
Ex-boyfriend.
Oh, he had a nice dick, too.
What is this about?
I don't know.
Loneliness?
It's kinda creepy.
It's like something bad's gonna happen
but there's nothing she can do about it.
Yeah.
So where did Jimmy-boy say he was going?
Kenosha.
Kenosha, Wisconsin.
- Kenosha, Wisconsin?
- Mmm-hmm.
Yeah? Right.
He ain't left town.
What makes you so sure?
ESP, darling.
Let's just leave it at that.
So why'd you become a cop?
Your heart doesn't exactly
seem to be in it.
I guess I always wanted to pervert
the course of justice.
Plus you can shoot people for no reason.
Nobody can do a goddamn thing about it.
Any sign of Reynard?
No, he's still in there.
What's going on in the big wide world?
Two hundred people died
in an earthquake in Peru.
Who gives a fuck?
Peruvians?
Oof.
That looks nasty.
Are you his wife, ma'am?
Why'd you stick him, ma'am?
Ma'am! Why did you stick him?
Ma'am, that's getting to sound
just a little bit monotonous now.
Ma'am...
Can we play a little game?
Can we play a little game
of Shut The Fuck Up?
Ma'am, did you do those paintings?
He's gone.
So is he.
Yeah, but did you know that
Joseph Conrad and Vincent van Gogh
both tried to kill themselves
by shooting themselves in the heart?
And both missed.
No, it's true.
No, I'm not making this shit up!
Fuck you!
Crime-scene pricks are on their way.
She says his name is Danny.
Say anything about Reynard?
- Planning a heist or something?
- No, I can barely get a word out of her.
She's still bawling her fucking eyes out.
Shut up!
What are we gonna do about the kid?
I mean, what can we do?
Out.
- Fuck!
- That was out.
Give me a second, sisters.
I'll play.
It's good.
What happened to your nose, sweetheart?
A Chihuahua bit me.
So what's up?
Clifford Reynard shuffled off
this mortal coil.
So what?
So the Webb brothers
are gonna need a new driver.
And soon, probably.
So if you hear of anything...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with the whole
cop-slash-informant dialectic.
Fucking mishit.
You did not mean that!
Pure luck.
Oh, come on!
No need for a fucking jihad here!
Can't take him anywhere.
My mom died young.
She was an alcoholic.
What about your dad?
I never knew him.
How about you?
He's dead.
How?
Suicide-murder.
Suicide-murder?
Was that, like, some pact thing?
Like he killed your mom
and then offed himself?
No, my mom lives in Tennessee.
So it was another woman?
- Mmm, no.
- Another man?
Yeah.
But not... He wasn't gay or anything.
Well, I don't, I don't get it.
He was a security guard
but he always wanted to be a SWAT guy.
- Why?
- He never made it.
- Why? I don't know.
- They're fucking assholes.
Well, so was he.
So one night, he goes into a bar
and he gets to drinking
and he gets more and more depressed
and he pulls out his gun
and he blows his brains out.
Unfortunately, there's this guy
sitting next to him.
And the bullet goes through my dad's head
and hits this other guy in his head...
...and kills him.
- No.
- Yeah.
So the inquest found that
technically, it was a suicide-murder.
Although
if my dad was dead before the bullet hit
this other guy in his head,
was that actually murder?
Philosophically speaking?
That's a very interesting question, actually.
I'll ask Bob, he'll know.
Let me know what he says.
There's no plot in these things any more.
Just straight in there.
No preamble, no nothing.
Oh, yeah. Take it!
Where's the romance?
Starts and ends with the script.
You ain't got a good script...
...you ain't got shit.
You guys think you're tough?
You guys think you're so tough, huh?
You think I can't do it?
Oh, God, it's real. It's going off.
Playboy Mansion.
- Hey!
- Stop!
Whatever it is,
it's happening at the mosque downtown,
1:00 pm tomorrow. Don't ask me what.
Who's doing the driving?
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
How the fuck should I know?
One thing that I forgot
to tell you guys is...
Sha-bam!
How do I look?
Mmm-hmm. Suits you.
Stupid feckin' cops.
You're soaked.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Did you have a bad dream?
Go back to sleep, babe.
Hmm.
Yeah, perfecto.
- You know what they say about vertigo?
- Mmm.
The vertigo is not the fear of falling
but the fear of wanting to fall.
Aloha, ladies.
I don't think this is right, man.
They're not gonna knock over
a fucking mosque.
They'll have ISIS on their asses.
Or al-Qaida.
Hey, is it al-Qaida or al-Qaeda?
You say al-Qaeda, I'll say al-Qaida.
- I say al-Qaida, you say al-Qaeda.
- Al-Qaeda.
- Al-Qaeda.
- Al-Qaida.
What are you doing?
We're loitering with intent.
What the fuck does it look like
we're doing?
Fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
- You fuck off.
- Hey! Hey!
You might wanna be a little careful or
you'll wind up another dead schizophrenic,
you know what I'm saying?
And that bike is way too small for you.
Hey, you don't think Reggie would...
Oh, fuck!
Should've gone to Wisconsin
and fucked some sheep, Jimmy-boy.
You know him?
Yeah.
James Harris. He's been on the run
these last couple of months.
Apparently, he's a Quaker.
A Quaker?
I thought they abhor violence.
Was it a good shoot or a bad shoot?
Well...
...that's what we would call
a "contentious issue".
Fuck me.
Again, really?
It's like every fucking week.
- At least these guys are white.
- Yeah!
- Yeah. Gotta look at the bright side.
- Yeah.
- What happened to the driver?
- He got away.
Oh. Was he a Latin, Caucasian
or Negro gentleman?
African American, yes.
Got away with the money, too.
Close to a mil.
Wait a second.
How'd you know the driver was missing?
Wild guess.
- That's a wild guess?
- Wild guess, yeah.
We never said missing.
Nobody ever said missing.
He just said,
"What happened to the driver?"
- He just asked.
- I was just curious.
Reynard gets shanked so he can't drive,
he's dead.
So Jimmy Harris asks his old pal Reggie
to be the driver.
And Reggie, the double-crossing bastard,
decoys us and skedaddles with the money.
Whose money?
Our money.
Patronising fuck.
Ah...
Well, well, well.
Allah be praised.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking someone has just made
a very big mistake.
So you heard about Jimmy Harris.
I just lit a candle for him.
That's a very good idea.
He's gonna need all the help he can get.
He wasn't so bad.
He always treated me okay.
He was a Quaker.
They didn't have to kill him.
He would've tried to kill them,
if he had the chance.
Quaker or not.
Tell me about Russell Birdwell.
What's there to tell?
He runs a strip joint.
It's not like he's Diaghilev
with the Ballets Russes.
Come on.
He wanted to know
why you were looking for me.
I told him you weren't looking for me,
you were looking for Jimmy.
That wasn't good enough
for Mr Birdwell, was it?
He's a wacko.
I had a run-in with him before.
What about?
He tried to get me to do a porno.
I told him to get lost.
He got nasty.
He got nasty?
Okay, mami, I got three dollars!
Birdwell!
- Nobody move!
- Move!
Snake!
Oh, fuck!
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Move!
You're a shit shot, Birdwell.
No one cares about innocent bystanders.
Why do you keep moving, man?
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck!
Bob, were you hit?
It's just a cramp. A bad one.
Go, go.
I'm just gonna breathe.
Come on, little piggy.
Come on!
You see this ring?
My mom gave me this ring.
Ah.
It's a nice ring. You know what it's for?
It's for beating the shit
out of scumbags like you.
Why don't we just throw him off the roof?
- Huh?
- I'm kidding. I'm...
It was a bad joke.
Hey, you wanna go grab a burrito?
I can't, it's date night.
Oh.
A million dollars?
It's a nice, round number.
That's my favourite round number.
We don't need a million dollars to retire.
No?
Not if you're gonna get killed
going after it.
Oh, I can handle myself, baby girl.
Don't you worry your pretty little head
about that.
- Fuck you.
- And besides,
- fortune favours the bold.
- You know where that's from?
- Greek mythology.
- Oh.
A guy named Turnus said it
just before another guy
named Aeneas
popped a cap in his ass.
It's just like my mother said.
You're too damn smart
for your own damn good.
One second.
Hey, assfuck!
Did you shit in this?
Whoa, there, pilgrim.
This is lush.
Yeah, it's all right.
Don't be getting any ideas, though.
This is just till this bullshit
with Birdwell blows over.
How can you afford this place?
Overtime.
Where's Reggie?
Why the fuck would I tell you?
Well, we know that Reggie was
the driver for the racetrack heist.
Where is he?
You're making me repeat meself now.
Why the fuck would I...
All right, don't fucking hit me!
I'm an only child.
He got away with the money.
How much?
Million bucks.
- Fuck me.
- Yep.
A million?
- How much do I get if I...
- Rat out your friend?
Yeah.
- 50.
- 200.
- 50.
- 175.
- 50.
- 100.
All right, 50.
Where is he?
You're not gonna believe this, lads.
Fucking Iceland.
Well, they have something
called the Blue Lagoon here.
It's a hotspot.
It's outdoors.
It's probably full of sweaty Europeans
with bad teeth,
fucking each other.
You'd be swimming around in jizz.
European jizz.
It was one of the first movies
I ever saw, actually.
European Jizz?
- The Blue Lagoon.
- Oh, right.
Either that or Doc Savage: Man of Bronze.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, Bob.
Yeah.
What's the plan for finding Reggie?
It's gonna be tough tracking him down
without anything to go on.
Isn't it?
Well, he's black.
How many fucking black people
do you think there are in Iceland?
We just stand around here
and keep our eyes open.
That's not much of a plan, Bob.
You don't think we should try...
There he is.
I'm a black belt in jiu jitsu,
motherfuckers!
You don't put up much of a fight, do you?
Fucking Stephen Hawking
could knock you out.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Well, you kinda have to be.
I guess I should count myself lucky you didn't
put me in a fucking chokehold or some shit.
Shut up, shut up.
So, Iceland. What the fuck?
- I wasn't thinking straight.
- No shit.
I panicked, okay?
You would too if you saw
everyone around you getting popped.
That shit was stone-cold murder, man.
Jimmy and the guys
were giving themselves up.
Oh, don't look at me.
I fucking hate murder.
- Don't I, Terry?
- He hates murder.
Oh, I hate murder!
It really upsets me.
But more importantly, where's the loot?
Stashed it.
How much you want?
- All of it.
- Obviously.
- Fuck you!
- No, fuck you, glass-jaw boy.
You're gonna hand over
that million bucks or...
- A million bucks?
- Yeah, a million bucks.
I don't have a fucking million bucks,
are you crazy?
You fucking cheapskate! You walked away
with a million fucking dollars!
It wasn't all mine!
I had to give it to the cat who planned
the whole thing, then I got my cut.
Oh, now you're bullshitting us.
Either the Webb brothers planned it
or Jimmy Harris planned it
and they're all fucking dead.
Jimmy and the Webb brothers
were tapped out.
That's why they took the gig
in the first place.
The whole thing was planned
by this money guy,
a British dude named James Mangan.
Mmm.
Never heard of him. Where can we find him?
I don't know where he lives.
He's this mysterious character.
I know he's got
some legit businesses, but...
Look, I'll tell you guys everything I know
but you gotta give me a little leeway here.
How much do you have?
- We'll take a hundred.
- Fuck you.
It's hard but it's fair.
It is pretty fair, yeah.
Fine.
Mmm.
How are you finding the place?
Not exactly the best place to blend in
but upside is I think I'm falling in love.
Baby, where have you been?
You guys want a drink?
I got some pretty good whisky.
I'm good.
I'll try a little bit
of that whisky, Kimberly.
So how long have you known Reggie?
- We're old pals.
- And you're here on holiday?
No, just a quick in and out.
- You're together?
- Yes, we are.
No, Kimberly, we are not together.
I'm a heterosexual man.
He's also a heterosexual man.
Well, good for you, honey.
You know, you should go
to the Blue Lagoon.
It's very refreshing.
I'm sure it is.
I go there a lot.
I'm sure you do.
I hope you choke on it.
So Reggie is gay, huh?
If Kimberly has a dick,
which I'm assuming she does,
then that would make Reggie gay, yes.
Possibly bisexual.
Well, what if Kimberly doesn't have...
Like, if she's already...
- Post-op?
- Yeah.
That's a good question.
That would make Kimberly a woman,
which would make Reggie straight.
- Would it?
- With an asterisk.
- But if Reggie is gay...
- Mmm-hmm?
...do you think
Reggie and Pdraic, they...
What the fuck is that,
the international symbol for sodomy?
You know exactly what this is.
You know, I don't think you're allowed
to do that in here.
In fact, I don't think you're allowed
to do that anywhere.
I've just realised
what you remind me of, Russell.
A bloody Cyclops.
I don't know what that means
and you know I don't.
You never read the Odyssey
at school, Russell?
You do surprise me.
I read it in the original Greek
when I was travelling through
the Peloponnese with my father.
I lost my fucking eye!
Calm down.
You still have one good one.
I'm gonna fuck over
those fucking assholes...
No, you're not.
You're not gonna fuck over anyone.
They're still policemen, after all.
I don't wanna get into some kinda fucking
contretemps with you, Your Lordship,
especially not in my condition.
But I do believe
you're being overly cautious.
Do you know who the greatest criminal
that ever lived is?
- No, I don't know.
- No, you don't.
Because if you did,
he wouldn't be the greatest criminal
that ever fucking lived, now,
would he? Hmm?
Fuck, man, that's just the crack talking.
But to put your mind at ease,
I shall have a word with them.
Give them a little reducer,
as we say in good old England.
Yeah?
What if it doesn't take?
Eat your grapes, Russell.
Eat your grapes.
You shot his fucking nuts off.
You shoot a guy in the cojones,
Bob, that shitbird's going down.
Who makes these things, anyway?
They're kinda racist.
Looks like Reggie.
Hey!
Where the hell have you two been?
Following up on a tip-off.
To where, fucking Iceland?
- No, we were in Iceland!
- Yeah.
Bob, that shit's not funny any more.
Not that it was funny to begin with,
so I don't even know why I said that.
Anyway, during your unexplained absence,
I received a very serious
allegation of assault.
This Russell Birdwell character.
- Fuck him!
- No, Terry!
Fuck you!
How many times do I have to tell you?
His lawyer is threatening to have you
arraigned on attempted murder charges.
Murder charges? He was shooting at us,
for Christ's sake!
I gave him a couple of slaps.
- Oh.
- That's it. Fucking pussy.
Well, he claims
you failed to identify yourselves
as police officers,
which is why he fled the scene.
Those are what we call
mitigating circumstances.
The fact that you knocked out
one of his eyes
while beating him to a pulp,
those are not what we call
mitigating circumstances. Capisce?
I told you, Birdwell's part
of an ongoing investigation.
We're gonna get it cleared up in two days.
Well, you'd better,
cos this shit's not going away.
Meanwhile, I had to release the prick,
- pending further investigation.
- Oh, fuck me!
And I have had the hard word
from the powers that be.
So, do me a favour, fellas,
slowly, slowly catchee monkey. You got it?
Got it.
Hey, shorty.
Where can we find James Mangan?
Get the hell off this property!
Get off this property!
Get off this property!
What are you doing?
Oh, no, no, no!
Get back here, you little bastard!
Help!
He only comes up on weekends
to look over his horses.
He lives... He lives in town.
- Where in town?
- I don't know.
I don't know!
I swear to God!
I swear...
Give me back my fucking wig.
Give me back my fucking wig!
- Put the wig on, put the wig on.
- Sorry, man, I didn't...
I didn't mean to upset you like that, man.
You destroy!
No, it's fine, it's fine.
You destroy!
No, it's great. Oh, my God. It looks...
No! No!
You take it!
Jesus Christ, kid.
With all that time in hand, you'd think
you'd do a better job than this.
It's "homeless", not "homles."
You started with the letters too big here,
then you had to scrunch them up
at the end.
It's bad presentation.
That's why you're broke.
It's a lazy piece of work.
Come on. Leave him alone.
Thank you.
Getting soft in your old age?
You need a hug?
There's no Glen Campbell.
Unbelievable.
Put on some Elvis,
I'm sure they got some Elvis.
You know he died on the can?
Him and Judy Garland.
- What were they doing on...
- Not at the same time.
Oh.
What?
Hey, kid!
- Get off me!
- No, no, I'm not gonna hurt you!
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Gotcha.
Is my mom in jail?
Yeah, for killing your dad.
She's not at the beach.
What?
Are you gonna arrest me, too?
No, why would we?
Are you, like, a little gangster?
You look like you're in a band.
Why did she kill him?
Why did your mom kill your dad?
It's all right, man. We're the good guys.
- Yeah, we're the good guys.
- You can talk to us.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we gotta call Social Services.
- Social Services?
- Yeah.
Might as well sell him
to the fucking Philippines.
What, you wanna adopt a "homles" kid?
- No!
- Yeah, I can do that.
- No!
- I'm not putting him back on the street.
Do you think it's easy
looking after a kid?
I got two of 'em and it's not easy,
let me tell you.
I mean, yeah, okay, I love 'em
but I gotta feed them 24 hours a day.
Those little fat fucks... It's hard work.
So you're saying I'm not up to it?
Yes. That's what I'm saying.
Just give me a chance, man.
Just give me a chance, okay?
No.
- What in the hell, Terry?
- I'm working on a case, babe,
and Danny here is the star witness.
Kinda like in that movie, you know?
With that kid who died.
No, what movie? What kid who died?
Ah, I can't remember.
Your memory's shot to hell with
all that liquor, you know that, right?
Yes, I do know that.
It's one of the few things in life
I have to be thankful for.
You can just throw your stuff
in one of the spare rooms if you want.
There's a good kid.
- Had anything to eat?
- Yes, ma'am.
Okay, well, get cleaned up.
I'll bring you in some towels.
Dolores got you hooked
on her feminist crap, huh?
Hey, can you be a feminist
and still wear hotpants?
Yes, you can.
Whoo!
Don't be such a misogynist.
Huh?
And don't change the subject.
How long is he supposed
to be staying here?
I don't know, how long are you
supposed to be staying here?
That's not fair. I was in trouble.
Well, so is he, babe.
We're just your ordinary,
everyday nuclear family.
Hey!
Members only.
What the fuck does that say?
It says you're a member.
Damn right it does, baby.
I want another shot!
Yo, whoa! Watch out, man!
Jimmy, can you grab me a drink?
Hey, I think John's coming tonight!
- Yeah! Whoo!
- What?
Oh, my gosh, I thought
you broke up with him.
Excuse me!
Where will I find James Mangan?
What? How should I know?
I mean, where does he live?
Allow me to reiterate. How should I know?
Well, he owns this joint, don't he?
Yeah, so? That don't mean
I know where he lives.
Well, how often does he come in?
Every now and again.
You gonna order a drink or what?
Yeah, I'm gonna order a drink.
I want a Bloody Mary.
The bloodier the better.
You got it.
Are you fucking serious?
I'm sorry, you can't come
in here looking like that.
- For fuck's sake.
- You can't come in here wearing...
See the fucking man over there?
He's a fucking policeman,
he'll kick the shit out of you.
- Fine, go. Go!
- See?
Fuck you, Jeeves.
Hey, hey!
I'd say Iceland paid off handsomely, huh?
No, there's only 10 grand in here.
We agreed 50.
Reggie had to pay off
a bigshot named James Mangan.
James Mangan?
- You know him?
- Yeah, yeah.
I sold him some merchandise
a while back. You see him at the fights.
- He manages a couple of welterweights.
- Yeah.
He owns the restaurant in this hotel.
Really?
Must be loaded.
Yeah. You wanna see
the rest of your money?
Fucking here we go.
All right. Just hang out here and
if you see him, just give me a call.
Okay.
Still, though, happy days.
You're not really happy.
It's just a chemical secretion
in your brain.
Hey.
It's me, honey.
It's only me.
It's just a dream.
Okay?
It's only a dream.
What the fuck is that?
It's a large Chinese plastic cat.
What the fuck does it look like?
It's supposed to bring good luck.
Or maybe not.
Ah!
Is that it?
Is that all you got?
You're gonna have to do
a lot better than that, boys.
It can get a lot worse, faggot.
Believe me.
Oh, it can, huh, can it?
It can get a lot worse, huh?
Well, what are you gonna do?
Huh?
You gonna cut me?
You gonna abuse me?
You gonna rape me?
Huh?
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, boys.
There ain't nothing you can do to me
that ain't already been done.
So go ahead.
Do your worst.
What do you want us to do?
I don't think the boys will be too keen
on killing a cop.
Boss.
Boss!
Hey.
Son of a bitch.
Well, you should see the other guy.
He's totally unscathed.
Babe, come on.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay.
It looks much worse than it is.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
No, no, no, don't cry. I'm okay.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Kiss my bloody lips.
It's gotta be Mangan, right?
Obviously someone we've upset.
That could be anybody.
You look like Adam Ant.
Remember him?
Fuck you, hippie.
Aren't you supposed to be
scoping out the Brit?
Hmm. They threw me out when I skinned up.
He's still in there, though.
Probably having
a nice little entre for himself.
Nice piece of salmon.
- Mangan, any distinguishing features?
- Uh...
Yeah, he's sitting with a bunch of Japs.
Can't miss him.
James! James.
Right here. There you are.
He's right there.
Hey!
How are things, man?
Well, this is awkward.
You're not gonna introduce us to your guy?
This is Mr Okuyama.
And Mr Murakawa.
They are business associates of mine.
This is Miss Ito, their interpreter.
Mr Bolao
and Mr Monroe.
They're policemen.
Why is this so formal, huh?
I'm Bob, this is Terry.
Pleased to meet you.
- See, that was easier. See?
- Is that lobster? Mind if I...
That was much easier.
Oh, I love lobster.
What have you got there, Bob?
I think it's veal. Yum-yum!
Would you care for some wine, perhaps?
No, we can't drink while we're on duty
because that would be illegal.
Is everything all right, sir?
Yes, it's fine. I'd like the bill, please.
- Oh, that's fantastic.
- That's good. Hey, Bob.
Did I ever tell you about that time
I puked Indian food through my nose?
- No!
- Gentlemen,
is this a social visit or do you have
a particular reason for embarrassing me?
We're not trying to embarrass you.
Are we, Terry?
- Why would we?
- We just came here to say that
we know everything about you
and we're onto you.
You don't know the first thing about me.
Oh, story time, okay.
- I am a legitimate businessman...
- Hmm.
...and if you think you can play
any of your dirty little tricks on me,
I think you'll find yourselves
sadly mistaken.
Hmm.
No, I don't think you understand,
you limey fucking dipshit.
See, we don't live in your world.
You live in ours.
You know that 800 grand?
Eight hundred thousand fucking dollars?
See, that's ours.
That's not yours.
You have until tonight to hand it over.
And if you don't hand it over,
you're gonna be fucked.
So make sure to give us a call, okay?
You got that?
How's that lobster, Terry?
Pretty tasty.
You want some dessert or...
No, no, I gotta watch the waistline here.
We should do this again sometime.
It was fun.
I look forward to it.
You've been delightful company.
Terry, that was sarcasm.
The lowest form of wit, Bob.
Sayonara.
Sayonara.
The goodbye! The goodbye.
- So Mangan got his sharks involved, huh?
- I have to say,
I'm disappointed.
I feel like you've let me down.
Aw!
You can't carry out
that level of harassment
and think you can get away with it.
If the guy was an Arab, yeah.
But this is a Brit we're talking about.
Guy's a lord, apparently.
He's got a fucking OBE or something.
OBE? What the fuck is that?
Order of the British Empire.
Those fucking titles don't mean shit.
They don't mean shit to us, Bob,
but the Brits swear by 'em.
- I'm a prince.
- This, it just ain't right.
It ain't right.
Not to mention, having cars
blown up outside your house.
And you looking like you just got
the shit kicked out of you.
Just a little domestic abuse.
And that wasn't even my car,
that was a four-by-four.
People don't like 'em,
they're gas-guzzlers.
Probably some Greenpeace
motherfucker torched it.
- Evil.
- They're assholes.
I know.
- Are you done?
- Yes.
Okay.
I'm gonna need your guns, too.
You think I care?
I don't even like this gun.
And clear out your desks.
There's nothing in my desk.
There is that one triple-murder case
from a couple years back.
Oh, yeah.
- I wonder who did that?
- We may never know.
- Hey, Bob.
- Yeah?
I'm telling you this as a friend.
He's gonna get you killed.
You know that, don't you?
Well, with all due respect,
you were never a friend of mine.
You were more a glorified
fucking acquaintance.
I'm staying with Terry and his girlfriend.
They got this really cool place.
That's good.
It'll only be till you get out.
Terry says you got a good chance
of getting off at the trial.
Then we can live together again.
With your husband's record, ma'am,
if we put that together
with some other shit,
like history of spousal abuse
or something...
That's not why I killed him.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
It's not fair.
No, it's not.
Life's a marked deck, kid.
Don't you ever forget it.
I hate jellyfish.
I wonder how in the hell it got out here?
Maybe it fell from a spaceship.
Is it true they can sting you
even when they're dead?
No, I think when they're dead,
they're dead.
They're immortal, though.
What?
Jellyfish, they're immortal.
Bob told me.
Just because Bob says something
doesn't mean it's true.
Yeah, it does.
That's my greatest fear, actually.
Death by jellyfish.
Your greatest fear
is death by jellyfish? Okay.
It's not funny.
Random death by jellyfish.
This guy I knew, he caught a jellyfish,
put it in a jar,
went out drinking,
got home... Listen to this.
Got home and reached for what
he thought was a glass of water...
What do you think happened? He's dead.
Well, I'm glad you guys
find the idea so amusing.
Come on, you deadbeats.
Let's go get some frijoles!
- No, wait, I can't...
- Come on!
No, I can't run in these!
Come on!
'"I am real!' said Alice,
and began to cry.
'"You won't make yourself a bit realer
by crying, ' Tweedledee remarked:
""There's nothing to cry about.""
We'll finish this off tomorrow.
Daddy, what happens when you die?
Nothing. When you're dead, you're dead.
But isn't Mommy in heaven, Daddy?
No, she's not, darling.
What did I say?
It's just darkness forever.
Now, run along and play.
I have to speak to your Uncle Russell.
Growing up so quickly.
So what are we gonna do
about those two pricks?
They were fired today.
They are no longer
serving police officers.
They are civilians.
The fuck does that mean?
It's over?
No, it's not over, Russell.
Now we're going to kill them.
You almost broke my fucking cock!
Can you break a cock?
Well, I mean, the fucking tendons.
You snapped the fucking tendons.
Well, I gotta take a break.
Ruminate.
Consider options.
I'm gonna miss it, though, you know?
- Like, I liked the structure.
- The structure?
Maybe it's a good thing
that we got out, you know?
Things were just getting
a little too close to home
and, you know, when those things
start to happen...
Yeah. I'm not sure how much longer
you could've gotten away with it.
Especially with Terry.
Terry.
Hey, toro!
That's pretty fucking funny, huh?
Yeah, it's funny.
Yeah, you go, toro.
That's pretty good, huh?
When you got beat up last night,
did that have anything to do with me?
Of course not. Why would it?
I know why she did it.
Who?
My mom.
I know why she stabbed my dad.
She found out what he'd done.
Well, what had he done?
Danny, what had he done?
He took me out to this place,
somewhere outside the city.
There were these people there.
They did things.
You know.
They filmed it as well.
Hmm.
And do you know the names of these people?
Yeah, I know their names.
Do you know why you're here, sir?
Go fuck yourself.
It's because I hate informers.
They have no honour.
They have no code.
Go fuck yourself.
This is the Lafayette sword.
From the Revolutionary War.
Yes, there was a revolution
in the United States.
It's hard to believe, I know.
I stole it from a Masonic Lodge
in Illinois.
Have you heard of the writer
Yukio Mishima?
No, of course you haven't, you're Irish.
I was forgetting.
Anyway, in 1970,
Mishima attempted a coup
on his native Japan.
The coup failed
and Mishima committed seppuku,
or ritual disembowelment, if you prefer.
The second-in-command
was supposed to behead him
at the culmination of the ritual but the poor
chap was so bloody nervous that he missed.
Mishima's bloody head was hanging off him,
quite literally.
Another chap had to step in
to finish him off.
Let's hope I don't miss, eh?
Fucking Brits.
You never know when to shut up.
Poor kid.
Yeah.
I've never killed anybody before.
Well, neither have I.
You know what they say.
Always be open to new experiences.
I'll do this on my own.
You don't have to get involved.
How come you always look out for me, Bob?
Because you're a good friend of mine.
I've got your money.
You should be in bed.
Where's Lonesome Luke?
What?
I think he's gone to kill
a whole bunch of people.
You know that in Somalia
only men have gravestones?
Walt Whitman was buried without his brain.
Descartes was buried
without his right hand.
So you never wonder
who created this whole shebang?
No.
It's like
where does the universe begin
and where does it end?
And if you can't tell me that,
you can't tell me God doesn't exist.
But then again, Pythagoras believed
that after you're dead,
your soul goes into a fucking green bean.
So what do I know?
Oh, I love this car!
She's fucking indestructible.
Like I always say, Bob,
if it ain't broke, break it.
Detectives, good to see you again.
You like Westerns, right?
I don't have your $800,000.
I was never going to give it to you.
I thought I'd state that up front
in the interest of full disclosure.
You're not, uh, so tough now, huh?
Without your motherfucking badge?
Hey, listen, man,
I know we don't see eye-to-eye, but...
Fuck you! Fuck you!
I'm fine.
I must say, you're taking
this turn of events rather well.
We haven't come here for the money.
- We don't care about the money any more.
- Oh.
This is about Danny Reynard.
Danny Reynard.
Hmm.
I can't quite place the name.
You know, one day,
these students were taking
a philosophy exam.
And at the start, the tutor
grabs a chair, puts it on a desk
and says, "For your last test,
"prove this chair exists."
So everyone's scribbling away,
except one guy.
He writes two words, gets up,
hands his paper to the tutor,
leaves the class.
Tutor looks at it
and on it, it says,
"What chair?"
Well, that's certainly very...
Fuck!
Fuck!
Bob?
Bob?
I love bulletproof vests.
Let's go fuck these scumbags.
I killed your snitch.
I chopped his fucking head off!
Wait.
Don't...
I knew your last words would be shit.
All right.
All right, you made your point.
How much is this gonna cost me?
It's gonna cost you your life.
Nice line.
Well, that's a damn shame.
I kinda liked the guy,
in a funny sort of way.
His hair was receding quite a bit.
His teeth are all fucked up.
What are you doing?
Well, we gotta give him a decent burial.
What are we, savages?
Thought you were, like, keeping him
as a souvenir or something.
So that story about
the philosophy exam and the chair.
What does that actually mean?
It's not supposed to mean anything.
It's like a Zen koan.
Just ponder on it.
Just ponder on it?
Yeah. I fucked it up, though.
I was supposed to say,
"Prove the chair doesn't exist."
Ah!
So it doesn't exist, huh?
Man, that was some cold shit.
Wait, you going in?
So what's next, man?
I'm gonna live slow,
die old and leave an ugly-looking corpse.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Something sedate.
You think you're capable of being sedate?
Well, Bob, it's like
the Buddha once said...
You're quoting fucking Buddha now?
Do not dwell in the past,
do not dream of the future.
Concentrate the mind
on the present moment.
I love this song.
Great song.
Masterpiece.